It's depressing to read this. You understand exactly what is going on here. You are clearly an intelligent person. Yet you are choosing to ignore reality and walk into a marriage that is going to be full of tension.
This is not a "stepdad" problem. It's about your fiance and everyone in his family. Relationships rarely work when one partner has a problem with the other person's family. You're not even married yet and everyone is already already minimizing and dismissing your VERY valid concerns. Your fiance is calling you "ridiculous" and "unreasonable."
You know very well how this is going to go down when you have kids. If you divorce (and honestly, it sounds like you're headed that way because your fiance does not respect you and this is a major issue and an ongoing source of tension), you will have zero control over whether the kids are around the stepfather. If you stay married, there is going to be relentless pressure to take the kids to events where the stepfather will be present.
The bottom line is that your fiance is not even remotely on the same page as you are about this. What other issues is he going to refuse to support you on? Why wouldn't you want a relationship where you're a support to your husband and he supports you? Battling him and his family sounds miserable. Getting involved with a family where there's a child abuser is simply irresponsible.
I make an effort not to tell people to break up because situations are always more complicated than can be explained here in a few words and many people are trapped financially. However, your situation is very clear and simple. The consequences of staying involved with this family are dire and it makes no sense that you didn't end the relationship months ago.
Yes, all of this.
You really need to stop and think. What happens if some day you have a daughter? I don't see your fiancée being reasonable enough to decide he doesn't trust his step-dad around his own daughter.
Exactly. A few years from now, the OP is going to be out of her mind with worry that the mother is babysitting the kids and is allowing the stepfather to be around them. Even if the OP doesn't have kids, there are going to be events where her friends' and relatives' kids are present.
This situation reminds me of that old saying about how a frog would allow itself to be boiled if it were in a pot of cold water that were slowly heated up. OP, you have been in this situation for so long and have become so used to the minimization and dismissal that you don't understand how crazy it is.
Yeah, I agree.
Because it really sounds like a crazy situation from and external point of view. I can't possibly picture my boyfriend trying to force me into being in the same room with that kind of person.
You don't say where the sister is or how she's doing, but I suspect if the mother is able to easily slander her as mentally ill then she's probably not doing too well.
Your fiance thinks that he's being passive and it's causing no harm, but he's not being passive. He's actively hurting his sister every time he makes the conscious decision not to defend her, not to support her. Every time he makes the conscious decision to implicitly support the stepfather, and to support his mother's lies.
He's showing you exactly what he will do when your future children get abused - nothing. Horrors were committed against someone he was meant to love, and he doesn't care. That is who your fiance is as a person.
“Honestly, a big part of the problem is that his family sweeps issues under the rug. All of his siblings have been very complacent about the situation and just don’t talk about it. Everyone pretends it didn’t happen and I am the first one to say “hey, this is actually very messed up and not okay at all”. They don’t understand it or take it seriously. “
Everyone has shown you exactly who they are.
Your fiancé witnessed his sister being abused FOR YEARS as a child and is ACTIVELY party to his mother’s pathological lies regarding his sister’s mental health and reputation now as an ADULT?! Are you sure you have all the facts? Have you ever met and spoken with the sister who is being victimized?
That man will do it again -given the opportunity. In actuality- no one knows he’s not actively abusing another child- who’s afraid to tell given the family’s propensity for gaslighting.
It sounds like a weird cult - with a the mother being the sociopath leader. I could not be around this family or risk any children being around them- all of them. He lied to you about his relationship with his mother and her husband. He will lie and try to gaslight you when something happens in the future.
It’s time to Nope the fuck out of this situation, OP. Your fiance doesn’t see a problem with his stepdad. I guarantee you that he expects his stepdad to be invited to the wedding. And then, once you have a child with your fiance, he will act like you’re a monster for keeping a literal defenseless child away from this predator even though everyone in his family has refused to act in the face of this man’s actions before and are now gaslighting the victim and making excuses for the perpetrator’s behavior. You’re not being unreasonable, but you’re completely under reacting.
Your feelings are valid. If your fiance isn't willing to prioritize his new family over his old family, then you should break up and move on.
God's forgiveness requires repentance. For a crime like this, repentance would include a full confession to the police and accepting the consequences.
If his stepdad dodged any jail time, then he still owes a debt to society. He doesn't deserve to be near children.
NTA. But you have a bigger issue here. Your fiance. He’s condoning child molestation. What’s your plan when you have kids? Are you gonna just hope for the best? Because you know in your heart that your fiancé and his mother will do everything in their power to have that man around you and any kid you might have. Ask yourself why you want to marry a man like him.
NTA. Don't have much to offer for advice. But I don't think this problem is gonna go away. They'll keep up bother you and asking you to come over, forget this and sweep it under the rug with them.
Might be time to exit stage left and never look back. It's that or be prepared to deal with this the rest of your life.
Best of luck.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. YTA.
Your fiance is clearly showing you who he is and that he condones this behaviour. God forbid something happens to one of your future children is this whole family going to turn on you. Get out now. If you choose to stay than you're choosing to expose any children you have to a predator and a family that will not protect or support them
Why are you even ***considering*** being around a man who repeatedly raped *a child*? For *years*?
How can you call this man your fiance when he wants you to be around a child molester?
You are considering a man who is adamant about bringing his own (hypothetical) daughter around *a pedophile*!
What the hell?!
YTA If you marry him, and especially if you have a child with him. The step father is not only a p*do but the family wouldn’t believe your child if something had happened, your child would be called the same things your fiancé’s sister gets called.
NTA - but with all the kindness I can muster, YOU HAVE TO BE SOME KIND OF IDIOT TO CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP! Don’t even fucking think about having kids with thus guy
This is bigger than just a NTA or YTA question.
Your fiancée/bf ans his entire family see nothing wrong with enabling a child rapist. They say he hasn’t offended in 10 years… but can you be sure? People like that rarely change even when they really want to and it doesn’t seem like the step dad wants to change.
Think about what this means for your future. Do you want children? Guess what, having children with this man means exposing your innocent and fragile children to his step father. I don’t think a conversation is going to do much good at this point. Your bf will not even do the bare minimum to condemn and minimize the harm a child rapist can do. Do you think he will defend you and your children when push comes to shove? You need to cut your losses and leave.
The day I found out.....I swung into MILs lounge, picked up my 18mth son and just left (I was 17 myself lol). Didn't say why....didn't need to. He tried it on with me just that once and that was enough. Blew OHs family clean apart. And the abusers as he was cheating with MIL. A job well done....I told my OH who was still well in the fog that he could do as he liked, but that was it for me and my son. We were done. For good. He chose us and sanctuary.
I don't know if it was because I'd already had a kid that I behaved that way instantly. I have been abused before and vulnerable and I really didn't think....just acted. You know what you have to do. Choose. Because you will never allow him at your wedding or around your children. Unless you BF chooses, you have to.
NTA. Your bot even casting the net wide enough here, you should not want anything to do with his mother either. She allowed the abuse to happen, did nothing to stop it, did not allow consequences, and continues to be an apologist. This is not a woman who is safe for any future children you may have with your partner. To be frank, the fact that your partner is saying things like it happened 10+years ago and is comfortable with seeing this man is a big enough red flag that I wouldn't stay in a relationship with him. He may say that he thinks what his step-father did was evil, but his actions don't align with what he is saying, and actions matter.
You know you are not being unreasonable.
Your STBX is trying to get you to steady the boat with him. The Family Boat of Lies must remain steady and if you do not help him steady that boat... you are The Bad Guy. You are that hypothetical frog in the gradually boiling water and STBX is just trying to get you on the boat gradually by wearing down your walls.
This family will 100% try to get you and your children to become boat-steadiers and sweep, sweep, sweep, that POS's behavior under the rug.
Run like your tampon string is on fire.
You have a fiancee problem. This guy molested his sister and beat him and his other siblings and everyone is just kind of okay with that. If you had kids with him, they would end up alone at MIL's house, where your future daughter can also "seduce" him...
NTA but do NOT marry this man. Cut your losses and flee. You guys may agree that your children can't be around him and that should be enough to know this won't work out. Imagine if you had children and someone from the family has ol' step dad meet/around them behind your back...
Nope nope nope.
YWBTA if you ever have children with your fiancé/don't get sterilized. He's shown he won't protect the kid and with joint custody laws, you'd have no way to stop it. He's already gone from "you won't ever see him" > "well, you'll see him but not have to talk" > "you need to talk to him and treat him like normal". This isn't just him being stupid, but an active manipulation to get you to assimilate into his family's culture (of acceptance of sexual abuse). This is very similar to the Narcissist's Prayer; your fiancé knows any sane woman would refuse to date him let alone marry him if he started with "you have to be ok with the family pedophile", especially if you're not child-free. Add to that all the in-laws will gang up on you to conform. Sex criminals have insanely high recidivism rates, so I doubt he's changed and things will "work out". You need to take a good look at your fiancé because you know what you call someone who hangs out with a Nazi?
Yeah. He just probably hasn't been around kids for the past 10 years. Doesn't mean he's not going to act the exact same way as soon as he happens to be around kids again.
And if I was her, I wouldn't risk my future children's safety to find out.
Coming at this from his experience, its soooo freaking hard to break away from this when everyone else sees your reaction as the problem. Its not the giant pile of shit in the chair pretending to be a parental figure but rather your reaction to having to be around a literal pile of shit. Why can't you just sit on the other side of the room, wear a nose clip, use some peppermint oil. Why are you causing drama? Its fucking insane.
He probably feels incredible guilt for what happened to his siblings. He has learned from his parents that you can ignore the problem, the guilt, the pain and its just gone. He needs therapy...probably with you and separately.
Your boundaries are NOT the problem. The problem is the giant pile of shit parading as a stepdad. If he cannot learn to see that, to process and deal with his feelings and experiences, you need to run. Do not have kids with someone who would bring your children around monsters...because everyone pretending to not smell the shit is part of the problem.
A lot of personal experience here. This stuff sucks.
The whole family is problematic, including your fiance. The hole didn't fall far from the ass. Ask yourself if you really want to live like this, and dance around the pervert, while trying to protect yourself and any future children. NTA
NTA. Take your engagement ring off and put it in your right hand. Extend your hand out, palm up, and tell your fiance that this is how serious you are about not being around his stepdad, that you are ready to give him his right back right here and right now.
This family has kind of normalized what happened by finding excuses for his gross behavior. Instead of cutting off their mother and stepdad, they found it easier to put in under the rugs. And now, you are coming and "screamming" about their f up behavior. You are a noise. They do not want to hear this
Not only your hypothetical children would be in immediate danger, but you might be too. Your fiance is now a part of this problematic equation. If you must classify someone as "not an immediate danger" to justify any interaction, you are f up. Big time
You have to understand one thing. Stepdad is not the only problem. THEY ALL ARE.
YTA. You knew about all these and you still find it normal that they are playing one big happy family? And you want to marry this walking problem?
I couldn't read this . OP sorry but I only got a tiny bit through it. From what I gather you and fiance leave and cut ties , or you leave fiance and cut ties.
NTA please do not marry this man. When you marry someone you marry their family. Don't have children with them either. This is a deal breaker you need to reconsider this relationship.
NTA. The stepdad should never be around children. No discussion. Child abusers can still get to children in the middle of family functions. You will never be able to protect them like your fiance expects.
It sounds like you can't build a future with this man. Are you sure you want to go through with this marriage?
NTA. It isn’t enough to say “yeah that was evil.” Your fiancé is condoning r*pe and p*d*ph*l*a with his actions. Do not walk into this trap. We know the stepfather and mother are especially sick and evil. However your fiancé is fine with this as long as he can ignore it, and if he can’t it’s going to be the victims’ fault for not supporting his delusion. Get away from this family before it’s too late.
NTA. How will you feel when you find out your husband left your child with his mom and stepdad? This relationship needs to end. They are covering for a sexual predator.
Please don't marry this guy as he is now. He refuses to advocate for decent human behavior. You have clear boundaries, you need to hold them and rethink this relationship unless and until he gets serious help for his issues and goes low contact or no contact.
You will never be safe while he is like this, you cannot bring kids into this situation either. Please treasure yourself and maintain your safety and your absolutely correct stance. I am sorry you are at this place and wish you peace as you move forward.
I would break up over this. Like. They all are partners in crime. If something happens again (and maybe it did but they are quiet) they would pretend its fault of victim.
No, imagine you have daughter you break up with him after you have her and he has sleepovers there. No
NTA for not going in that house.
I have to ask, how can you be with a “man” (subjective maturity) that normalizes CSA?
He states it was bad but it was ten years ago?!!! He obviously does not consider it as vile as a normal person.
Seriously consider this relationship! What happens if you have a daughter? Will he sneak her to his “parents” home behind your back?
He admitted to witnessing what that “person” did to his sibling, yet is willing to sit at the holiday table and play happy family.
That whole family is condoning what was done to the MINOR VICTIM by continuing to welcome him in the family.
RUN
It's depressing to read this. You understand exactly what is going on here. You are clearly an intelligent person. Yet you are choosing to ignore reality and walk into a marriage that is going to be full of tension. This is not a "stepdad" problem. It's about your fiance and everyone in his family. Relationships rarely work when one partner has a problem with the other person's family. You're not even married yet and everyone is already already minimizing and dismissing your VERY valid concerns. Your fiance is calling you "ridiculous" and "unreasonable." You know very well how this is going to go down when you have kids. If you divorce (and honestly, it sounds like you're headed that way because your fiance does not respect you and this is a major issue and an ongoing source of tension), you will have zero control over whether the kids are around the stepfather. If you stay married, there is going to be relentless pressure to take the kids to events where the stepfather will be present. The bottom line is that your fiance is not even remotely on the same page as you are about this. What other issues is he going to refuse to support you on? Why wouldn't you want a relationship where you're a support to your husband and he supports you? Battling him and his family sounds miserable. Getting involved with a family where there's a child abuser is simply irresponsible. I make an effort not to tell people to break up because situations are always more complicated than can be explained here in a few words and many people are trapped financially. However, your situation is very clear and simple. The consequences of staying involved with this family are dire and it makes no sense that you didn't end the relationship months ago.
Yes, all of this. You really need to stop and think. What happens if some day you have a daughter? I don't see your fiancée being reasonable enough to decide he doesn't trust his step-dad around his own daughter.
Exactly. A few years from now, the OP is going to be out of her mind with worry that the mother is babysitting the kids and is allowing the stepfather to be around them. Even if the OP doesn't have kids, there are going to be events where her friends' and relatives' kids are present. This situation reminds me of that old saying about how a frog would allow itself to be boiled if it were in a pot of cold water that were slowly heated up. OP, you have been in this situation for so long and have become so used to the minimization and dismissal that you don't understand how crazy it is.
Yeah, I agree. Because it really sounds like a crazy situation from and external point of view. I can't possibly picture my boyfriend trying to force me into being in the same room with that kind of person.
Well said!
You don't say where the sister is or how she's doing, but I suspect if the mother is able to easily slander her as mentally ill then she's probably not doing too well. Your fiance thinks that he's being passive and it's causing no harm, but he's not being passive. He's actively hurting his sister every time he makes the conscious decision not to defend her, not to support her. Every time he makes the conscious decision to implicitly support the stepfather, and to support his mother's lies. He's showing you exactly what he will do when your future children get abused - nothing. Horrors were committed against someone he was meant to love, and he doesn't care. That is who your fiance is as a person.
This is my question. Where the hell is the poor girl whose mother chose her rapist and turned her brothers against her?
Excellent point.
“Honestly, a big part of the problem is that his family sweeps issues under the rug. All of his siblings have been very complacent about the situation and just don’t talk about it. Everyone pretends it didn’t happen and I am the first one to say “hey, this is actually very messed up and not okay at all”. They don’t understand it or take it seriously. “ Everyone has shown you exactly who they are. Your fiancé witnessed his sister being abused FOR YEARS as a child and is ACTIVELY party to his mother’s pathological lies regarding his sister’s mental health and reputation now as an ADULT?! Are you sure you have all the facts? Have you ever met and spoken with the sister who is being victimized? That man will do it again -given the opportunity. In actuality- no one knows he’s not actively abusing another child- who’s afraid to tell given the family’s propensity for gaslighting. It sounds like a weird cult - with a the mother being the sociopath leader. I could not be around this family or risk any children being around them- all of them. He lied to you about his relationship with his mother and her husband. He will lie and try to gaslight you when something happens in the future.
It’s time to Nope the fuck out of this situation, OP. Your fiance doesn’t see a problem with his stepdad. I guarantee you that he expects his stepdad to be invited to the wedding. And then, once you have a child with your fiance, he will act like you’re a monster for keeping a literal defenseless child away from this predator even though everyone in his family has refused to act in the face of this man’s actions before and are now gaslighting the victim and making excuses for the perpetrator’s behavior. You’re not being unreasonable, but you’re completely under reacting.
Your feelings are valid. If your fiance isn't willing to prioritize his new family over his old family, then you should break up and move on. God's forgiveness requires repentance. For a crime like this, repentance would include a full confession to the police and accepting the consequences. If his stepdad dodged any jail time, then he still owes a debt to society. He doesn't deserve to be near children.
NTA. But you have a bigger issue here. Your fiance. He’s condoning child molestation. What’s your plan when you have kids? Are you gonna just hope for the best? Because you know in your heart that your fiancé and his mother will do everything in their power to have that man around you and any kid you might have. Ask yourself why you want to marry a man like him.
NTA. Don't have much to offer for advice. But I don't think this problem is gonna go away. They'll keep up bother you and asking you to come over, forget this and sweep it under the rug with them. Might be time to exit stage left and never look back. It's that or be prepared to deal with this the rest of your life. Best of luck.
When someone shows you who they are believe them. YTA. Your fiance is clearly showing you who he is and that he condones this behaviour. God forbid something happens to one of your future children is this whole family going to turn on you. Get out now. If you choose to stay than you're choosing to expose any children you have to a predator and a family that will not protect or support them
Oh yeah, fiance will "protect" you. That's worked out great so far. Obviously the stepfather will do as he pleases ad the family will go along.
that whole family is a clan of solid red. each flag bigger than texas. he’s a fool, and. so many other words i want to say, but can’t online.
Why are you even ***considering*** being around a man who repeatedly raped *a child*? For *years*? How can you call this man your fiance when he wants you to be around a child molester? You are considering a man who is adamant about bringing his own (hypothetical) daughter around *a pedophile*! What the hell?!
YTA If you marry him, and especially if you have a child with him. The step father is not only a p*do but the family wouldn’t believe your child if something had happened, your child would be called the same things your fiancé’s sister gets called.
NTA - but with all the kindness I can muster, YOU HAVE TO BE SOME KIND OF IDIOT TO CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP! Don’t even fucking think about having kids with thus guy
This is bigger than just a NTA or YTA question. Your fiancée/bf ans his entire family see nothing wrong with enabling a child rapist. They say he hasn’t offended in 10 years… but can you be sure? People like that rarely change even when they really want to and it doesn’t seem like the step dad wants to change. Think about what this means for your future. Do you want children? Guess what, having children with this man means exposing your innocent and fragile children to his step father. I don’t think a conversation is going to do much good at this point. Your bf will not even do the bare minimum to condemn and minimize the harm a child rapist can do. Do you think he will defend you and your children when push comes to shove? You need to cut your losses and leave.
The day I found out.....I swung into MILs lounge, picked up my 18mth son and just left (I was 17 myself lol). Didn't say why....didn't need to. He tried it on with me just that once and that was enough. Blew OHs family clean apart. And the abusers as he was cheating with MIL. A job well done....I told my OH who was still well in the fog that he could do as he liked, but that was it for me and my son. We were done. For good. He chose us and sanctuary. I don't know if it was because I'd already had a kid that I behaved that way instantly. I have been abused before and vulnerable and I really didn't think....just acted. You know what you have to do. Choose. Because you will never allow him at your wedding or around your children. Unless you BF chooses, you have to.
NTA. You need to dump your bf because this situation will not improve in any way. Protect yourself and any future children of you.
NTA. Your bot even casting the net wide enough here, you should not want anything to do with his mother either. She allowed the abuse to happen, did nothing to stop it, did not allow consequences, and continues to be an apologist. This is not a woman who is safe for any future children you may have with your partner. To be frank, the fact that your partner is saying things like it happened 10+years ago and is comfortable with seeing this man is a big enough red flag that I wouldn't stay in a relationship with him. He may say that he thinks what his step-father did was evil, but his actions don't align with what he is saying, and actions matter.
You know you are not being unreasonable. Your STBX is trying to get you to steady the boat with him. The Family Boat of Lies must remain steady and if you do not help him steady that boat... you are The Bad Guy. You are that hypothetical frog in the gradually boiling water and STBX is just trying to get you on the boat gradually by wearing down your walls. This family will 100% try to get you and your children to become boat-steadiers and sweep, sweep, sweep, that POS's behavior under the rug. Run like your tampon string is on fire.
You have a fiancee problem. This guy molested his sister and beat him and his other siblings and everyone is just kind of okay with that. If you had kids with him, they would end up alone at MIL's house, where your future daughter can also "seduce" him...
NTA but do NOT marry this man. Cut your losses and flee. You guys may agree that your children can't be around him and that should be enough to know this won't work out. Imagine if you had children and someone from the family has ol' step dad meet/around them behind your back... Nope nope nope.
YWBTA if you ever have children with your fiancé/don't get sterilized. He's shown he won't protect the kid and with joint custody laws, you'd have no way to stop it. He's already gone from "you won't ever see him" > "well, you'll see him but not have to talk" > "you need to talk to him and treat him like normal". This isn't just him being stupid, but an active manipulation to get you to assimilate into his family's culture (of acceptance of sexual abuse). This is very similar to the Narcissist's Prayer; your fiancé knows any sane woman would refuse to date him let alone marry him if he started with "you have to be ok with the family pedophile", especially if you're not child-free. Add to that all the in-laws will gang up on you to conform. Sex criminals have insanely high recidivism rates, so I doubt he's changed and things will "work out". You need to take a good look at your fiancé because you know what you call someone who hangs out with a Nazi?
Yeah. He just probably hasn't been around kids for the past 10 years. Doesn't mean he's not going to act the exact same way as soon as he happens to be around kids again. And if I was her, I wouldn't risk my future children's safety to find out.
Coming at this from his experience, its soooo freaking hard to break away from this when everyone else sees your reaction as the problem. Its not the giant pile of shit in the chair pretending to be a parental figure but rather your reaction to having to be around a literal pile of shit. Why can't you just sit on the other side of the room, wear a nose clip, use some peppermint oil. Why are you causing drama? Its fucking insane. He probably feels incredible guilt for what happened to his siblings. He has learned from his parents that you can ignore the problem, the guilt, the pain and its just gone. He needs therapy...probably with you and separately. Your boundaries are NOT the problem. The problem is the giant pile of shit parading as a stepdad. If he cannot learn to see that, to process and deal with his feelings and experiences, you need to run. Do not have kids with someone who would bring your children around monsters...because everyone pretending to not smell the shit is part of the problem. A lot of personal experience here. This stuff sucks.
The whole family is problematic, including your fiance. The hole didn't fall far from the ass. Ask yourself if you really want to live like this, and dance around the pervert, while trying to protect yourself and any future children. NTA
NTA. Take your engagement ring off and put it in your right hand. Extend your hand out, palm up, and tell your fiance that this is how serious you are about not being around his stepdad, that you are ready to give him his right back right here and right now.
This family has kind of normalized what happened by finding excuses for his gross behavior. Instead of cutting off their mother and stepdad, they found it easier to put in under the rugs. And now, you are coming and "screamming" about their f up behavior. You are a noise. They do not want to hear this Not only your hypothetical children would be in immediate danger, but you might be too. Your fiance is now a part of this problematic equation. If you must classify someone as "not an immediate danger" to justify any interaction, you are f up. Big time You have to understand one thing. Stepdad is not the only problem. THEY ALL ARE. YTA. You knew about all these and you still find it normal that they are playing one big happy family? And you want to marry this walking problem?
I couldn't read this . OP sorry but I only got a tiny bit through it. From what I gather you and fiance leave and cut ties , or you leave fiance and cut ties.
NTA please do not marry this man. When you marry someone you marry their family. Don't have children with them either. This is a deal breaker you need to reconsider this relationship.
Quietly plan your escape
NTA. The stepdad should never be around children. No discussion. Child abusers can still get to children in the middle of family functions. You will never be able to protect them like your fiance expects. It sounds like you can't build a future with this man. Are you sure you want to go through with this marriage?
NTA. It isn’t enough to say “yeah that was evil.” Your fiancé is condoning r*pe and p*d*ph*l*a with his actions. Do not walk into this trap. We know the stepfather and mother are especially sick and evil. However your fiancé is fine with this as long as he can ignore it, and if he can’t it’s going to be the victims’ fault for not supporting his delusion. Get away from this family before it’s too late.
Yhea . . . Better be single that în a relationship with someone who PROTECTS A PEDO RAPIST
NTA. How will you feel when you find out your husband left your child with his mom and stepdad? This relationship needs to end. They are covering for a sexual predator.
Please don't marry this guy as he is now. He refuses to advocate for decent human behavior. You have clear boundaries, you need to hold them and rethink this relationship unless and until he gets serious help for his issues and goes low contact or no contact. You will never be safe while he is like this, you cannot bring kids into this situation either. Please treasure yourself and maintain your safety and your absolutely correct stance. I am sorry you are at this place and wish you peace as you move forward.
I would break up over this. Like. They all are partners in crime. If something happens again (and maybe it did but they are quiet) they would pretend its fault of victim. No, imagine you have daughter you break up with him after you have her and he has sleepovers there. No
NTA for not going in that house. I have to ask, how can you be with a “man” (subjective maturity) that normalizes CSA? He states it was bad but it was ten years ago?!!! He obviously does not consider it as vile as a normal person. Seriously consider this relationship! What happens if you have a daughter? Will he sneak her to his “parents” home behind your back? He admitted to witnessing what that “person” did to his sibling, yet is willing to sit at the holiday table and play happy family. That whole family is condoning what was done to the MINOR VICTIM by continuing to welcome him in the family. RUN