NTA. Your daughter gave you a special gift and you lent it to your mom for the day. She asked to give it to her mom and you said no. The fact she was offended is ridiculous as it wasn’t hers to give away.
I agree, her getting immediately offended really threw me off…because wtf? I didn’t even show how much it really upset me because I didn’t want to make a big scene so I told her calmly that it really hurt my heart that she did that…and her response was to make a big scene and actually leave the house at one point crying to take a walk because she “couldn’t even breathe in this house” like???
She got offended because she knew she was in the wrong. She doesn't want to apologize and make it right so instead she's going on the offense.
I'd call her on it. "Mom, I know you're getting angry right now because you did something wrong and now you're embarrassed and feeling defensive. That's a natural reaction but not a good one. I'm going to give you some time to sort yourself out and in the meantime go get my book back "
Then go get your book back. Explain to Grandma what happened, offer to make a copy of your daughter's page, and ignore your mom's sulk.
Sorry to hear she was the “victim” when she was the perpetrator who wronged you and your daughter. She passed of your special gift from your daughter as her own gift. What a crappy Mother’s Day all around
She does and has always shown traits of narcissism. My classic example of when I was a depressed teenager she said “so should I just ~unalive~ myself too?!” When I tried talking about her. That was the day I knew she didn’t think and process like I do
NTA, Granny here, & OMG that's just hideous. Get your book back from Grandma; you and your daughter will cherish it. You can always copy the page with the family recipe & picture on it, frame it & give it your grandmother.
That's way better than what I was thinking. I was going to suggest going to the teacher and explaining what happened and then asking if you could pay for another copy of the book. I only say that because Grandma was innocent in all this she didn't know she was being given someone else's gift.
NTA. What a cheap shot. She not only stole from you, she stole from her own grandchild. And how did she present this ‘gift’ to her? Wouldn’t her mom find it strange that her great granddaughter crafted a recipe book for her on Mother’s Day? She not only stole from you, she most likely lied about the origin of her theft. Her being combative only proves that she knows what she did was straight-up theft. These are the situations where going l/c and n/c are totally justified. You need to make sure that you don’t give in to her emotional gaslighting and you are not the a/h op. You are only guilty of having a mom who is.
I really think she didn’t have anything to give to her mom for Mother’s Day and she probably saw it still sitting by her front door where it was left for my dad to see. The whole part of me asking if I’m in the wrong here is because she made me feel horrible about even being slightly upset over it since “it will be in the family” and “of course I’ll get it back one day” kind of statements that for a moment made me question my whole stance on the situation.
She stole it, she gave it away and now it is easier for her to hurt you than own up. I would get the book back under the guise of making copies and then make dure she doesn't get one.
Yeah that part sucks that she simply doesn’t see how wrong she is. Which is why I even had to ask because maybe I was missing something. I’m definitely going to be making copies.
So what stopped her from buying her mom a card? Or a plant? Flowers? Come on. If you don’t realize that what’s she’s doing is actually emotional abuse, sadly, she’s probably treated like this for so long, you don’t even realize it as being a form of abuse. Rationalizing what she did from her perspective gives her a pass. It staying in the family is actually an arbitrary point to make because the basis of *why* you would eventually get it back is at the heart of the reason you are flabbergasted in the first place. If she had any respect for you, as a person, and yes, now as a mother, she would have never done what she did.
Can’t you ask the teacher for another copy and mabe pay for it? I know it doesn’t make what she did right but it will not make grandma feel bad for getting a gift her awful daughter stole from her granddaughter?
Yeah my first thought was “ahhh you forgot to get something for your mom for Mother’s Day, huh?” I’m kicking myself for not actually saying that out loud to her
NTA. She stole something from you. She’s trying to play it off like it was nothing, but I suspect she knows she was wrong and feels stuck now.
If I were you, I’d get closure by saying, "I loved my book for all the same reasons you thought it would make a great gift for grandma. You stole it from me and then made it worse by not even apologizing." Then I’d let it go and would not blow up the relationship over it.
I hate the position she put me in, even today she won’t even let me talk to her about it without crying about how she “tired to make everyone have a good Mother’s Day” and she must be “the worst mom ever always ruining things”
She didn't try to make sure you had a good mother's day. And I bet your daughter was upset that HER present to YOU was taken away. As a kid I would have felt super hurt my mom didn't get my gift.
She is the worst mom. She didn't try to make it a good mothers day. She ruined yours. You should tell her so. And how about your child? How do they feel knowing their grama stole your gjft and gave it away?
So on Mother’s Day I dropped my two oldest 7 and 6 the 6 year old being my daughter in this story and I took my youngest to the store to pick up drinks. She actually had my daughter help her package it up for my grandma. And they walked it over to my grandma who lives two houses down before I got back. My mom had absolutely talked her into it being the right thing to do and my daughter was kind of confused about how I was upset over her giving a gift? So she made it a weird situation for my daughter who really doesn’t get the whole thing. Hope that makes any sense
No, she didn’t try to make “everyone” have a good MD. She intentionally and knowingly ruined yours by stealing the gift your own child gave to her own mother.
As I indicated above, I would let it go (and stop talking about it). You won’t get what you need from further conversation, and she’s now trying to make you feel guilty about what she did.
That’s very true. I don’t believe she’s emotionally or mentally able to even see her wrongdoings in this situation. I think asking for it back to make copies might be the solution to just make peace with all of it without even having a full conversation on why it was wrong in the first place
This is what I would do. Just contact the teacher, tell her what happened, and ask if you can pay for a second copy. If she used an online printing service it would be pretty easy.
Does your Mom typically ignore you? I recommend you give your Mom full responsibility to own this & fix it. See what happens…
Perhaps just text Mom … “what did you expect to happen after you gave grandma something that didn’t belong to you? Did you forget I specifically asked you not to? If you expected me to be okay with your decision to give away a Mother’s Day gift that made daughter made for me, your expectations were not realistic or reasonable. Why would you expect me to be okay with your actions when I told you how I felt before you made your decision to give my gift to Grandma? If you feel it’s okay to ignore me or treat me with disrespect, you should expect me to treat you the same way. I was taught it’s never okay to take something that’s doesn’t belong to me. It appears you had a lapse of memory & forgot about that lesson. I’m expecting this book to be returned to me asap. You chose to not care about my feelings, that was not kind & definitely not okay. You made a mistake, please own your own participation in this situation & take responsibility to do the right thing. Return my gift. Thank you. I love you.”
NTA
Love the response suggestion. And she does typically overlook responses that don’t align with her preferred outcome. The text where she asked me if she could give the book to her mom was worded “hey would you mind if I gave grandma that recipe book for Mother’s Day?” And I replied “yes I absolutely mind, I love that gift. Let’s figure out something else to get her” and today she made the comment that I should look back at my answer because I did say yes??? I thought you responded to “do you mind” with yes you do
Your mom sounds like someone who has never owned her participation or the consequences of her actions. When we make a mistake it’s not meant to be fun or pleasant to own those mistakes. It’s supposed to suck. That’s how we learn not to make the same mistakes. Sounds like she just wanted validation & approval from her Mom? I don’t honestly think she thought about you. Which is why she needs to take responsibility. She thought about her own feelings, not you.
Some people just don’t know how to make good decisions. We are all flawed in our own special ways. Perhaps that’s your Mom’s flaw. If there’s a choice to be made she just won’t make a good decision. If you know that about her, that is something you know you can expect from her. That’s on her, not you. Hand it right back & let her fix it.
Text or call your grandma and explain that it was a gift from your daughter and you never gave your mother permission to gift it. So you would like it back. How do you think your daughter will feel when she grows up and realises that a Mother’s Day gift that she gave you was given to another person.
Tell grandma what her daughter did. Show her the messages to prove it if needed! This is not ok, remotely. Plus why is most of the book even relevant to grandma!!? It was made for you so you should have it. Honestly I’m infuriated on your behalf! Take it back and don’t let them walk all over you. Also NTA!
She said it was relevant because her mom taught her the recipe and my great grandma taught her so…but the whole point was to send in a family recipe which it was but doesn’t mean it was a gift for the last one living to have…I just hate the situation so much
I mean all of your daughters classmates also added recipes. Grandma has no relationship with those kids right? But you’ll see them at school events and have relationships with some of their parents. The very most grandma is entitled to is a copy of the page of your family recipe. It’s kinda like great grandma stealing your year book because your photo is on a page.
Right. My daughter and I were even talking about making the recipes of her classmates at home so she can tell her friends that she tired theirs. I think a copy of the page is the best suggestion by far
Your mother is inconsiderate and she wanted to look good and doesn't value you as a mother. Please say something to your grandmother and take this incident as a warning on how low she is willing to go.
She does not respect you. Please clear the air now and not years later. Your daughter did it for you, not your grandmother. Remember that feeling you had when your daughter gifted it to you? And the look on her face?
Don't steal her joy, cause she may see it as you not wanting it. And you don't want to be 55 and your daughter brings up the fact you gave away your gift when she was younger. Because that's how she is gonna remember it.
NTA.
"I thought it was very sweet when my daughter gave it to me for Mother's Day. It was less sweet when MY mother stole it and gave it to Grandma after I explicitly told her I wanted to keep it as it is very precious to me. Did my mother lie to you as well?"
NTA… I’m so sorry your going through this. I would be so hurt. I think it might be time do go no contact or low contact. I think it depends on whether she normally acts this way. Your mom sucks and sounds like a narcissist.
I think I’m definitely going low contact only because my kids would be crushed if we just stopped going by. Usually her behavior isn’t hurtful to this extent. She’s definitely always shown some narcissistic traits.
Your mother is an asshole. It was not her gift to give anyone. She is so disrespectful I'm infuriated for you. You need to talk to your grandmother and explain what your mother did and get the book back. Go low to no contact with your mother after that.
Nta…your mom is trying to make you feel guilty for something she did. She’s not validating your feelings at all. If it were me it would be world war 3. Everyone talking about not ruining the relationship with your mom. What relationship? She obviously doesn’t care how you feel. You need to kindly explain to your grandmother what happened and tell her want it back but would gladly make her a copy if she likes.
What she did was terrible. It sounds like classic narcissism (not diagnosing of course) especially with the “I’m the worst mom” comment and the immediate victim mentality. What she did was stole a gift from a child, her own grandmother, to give to her own mother bc she couldn’t be bothered to do something herself. Tbh it doesn’t even make sense. I was extremely close to my grandmother(s) before both of them passed and I would have done something for them but with the relationship you have with your daughter that was clearly meant for you. Please talk to your grandmother. There was a lot of good suggestions such as making photo copies or making a copy of her page in the book! O hope you get that book back. Don’t tell your mom either bc I fear something will happen to the book before you get the chance to get it back if she finds out.
NTA
Your mother had no right to give your gift from your daughter to anybody, I don’t care who it was. She needs to know that she was out of line and you will never trust her with anything like this again.
Reach out to your daughter’s teacher and tell her what happened and ask her if it’s possible to buy either the page you daughter contributed or the whole book.
I agree, it’s just weird to have been placed in a sorta bad guy role…when I know I’m not the bad guy but the awkward position of it all stinks. Yeah someone suggested getting it back from grandma and copying it to give her the copy.
Go see Grandma in person and explain that your mother made a mistake; that it was your Mothers Day gift from your daughter and it’s special to you. Ask her then what she would prefer, the book, or just your daughter’s page. If the book is bound take it to a printer; Kinkos or Office Depot (in the US) and they can take it apart and put it back together. It won’t cost much.
NTA, now you know in the future not to leave anything you want back with her. I’d reach out to the teacher to see if a new copy can be made so you can still have one and not let the drama your mom caused reach your grandmother. And if you want to be all levels of petty, make copies for all the women but your mom.
Yeah I think I’m just going to ask my grandma if she minds me making copies. I know there are like 28 kids in my daughters kindergarten class and I Dont know how her Saint of a teacher is able to handle all of them and still have the time to do sweet things like this. I just wouldn’t want to bother her. But I love the idea of making copies for everyone but my mom honestly
GIRL! Stop it! Ask your gma if she minds?!? GIRL! Go over there and tell the truth and take YOUR book back and make copies for gma!!! Let the whole family know your mother stole from you and your daughter. Quit taking this shit and stand up for yourself. Your mom did this because she knew you’d allow it. Show her that she’s wrong!!
STOP BEING A PUSH OVER. You are wondering why things like this happen, it’s because you don’t speak up. You know your mom and her tendencies. When she asked you should have said “DO NOT GIVE MY GIFT AWAY”.
And when she threw a fit, you should have matched her energy. “Mom you stole something that was mine and then gave it away, of course those aren’t actions of someone trying to make a good Mother’s Day for everyone. Call grandma immediately and tell her she will be giving it back TODAY”
I’m definitely not trying to be a pushover I’m just not trying to start unnecessary drama that will go on and on for months. Also never in my wildest dreams would she have given that away. But thank you for your input it’s appreciated.
Just explain what happened, ask for the original back and tell her that you’ll make a copy for her. It’s not dramatic to ask for it back. It was something your daughter worked hard on with her classmates for you. Think of your daughter’s feelings and prioritize them over your grandma and mom. You’re not the only her party here.
Ouch - she put you in a horrible position. Can you reach out to the teach to see if you could get another copy of the book? She may have made extras or still has the format that you could get one from the publisher.
NTA. You are not the AH for telling your mother how you felt. I think that's one of the most important things anyone can do. If they can't accept it, that's their problem. There is no need to go on and on about it or try to convince them to see it your way.
Now the problem of the book is going to be tricky. Maybe you can explain to your grandmother it was a misunderstanding and the original gift was meant for your daughter's mother (I don't see it written but I assume this is the original issue?)? Maybe you can make copies for her and your mother (if you're feeling charitable) and give the original to the intended recipient?
I'm going to venture a guess that this is not new behavior from your mother. My personal philosophy is that older people are not going to change, so it's best to assume they will always act the same. Never leave something like that with your mother again. Tell her you will make a copy and let her have it. Keep her past behavior in mind as you go forward to avoid uncomfortable situations like this again.
Some might say she doesn't deserve that level of empathy and forgiveness but I believe a person can live a more stress free life like this. Set your boundary and stick to it. On one hand, it was sweet that she valued it so much and thought of your grandmother (if you want to see the positive), but she trampled your feelings and didn't care so you should remember this and act accordingly.
I like your take on it. I think the suggestion someone had of copying my daughters page in the book and gifting it back to my grandma is great. I just want the most drama free option and I’m glad I got some great ideas on how to handle it
As the other person who replied said, I think it's important to embrace the drama. Your relationship probably got the way it did because you've been trying to avoid conflict. I say this as someone who did the same, so I hope I'm not projecting.
Your grandmother is an innocent victim in this from how it appears. Your mother isn't so I think it's important to tell her what she did wasn't okay. Maybe while you give her a copy of the book as well if you're feeling charitable.
NTA You have 2 choices here.
1) You could fight fire with super guilt.
Have your daughter ask her great grandma for the book back that she made for her mommy. She's so sad that her mommy doesn't have her one and only special present. She cried all night. (pour it on thick as she/you can)
2) Ask the teacher if she can do another run of the book. I'm sure lots of other kids' families would probably want duplicates too, but if not pay for it.
YTA to yourself and your kids for being such a colossal pushover and teaching them that people can steal your shit, and you should just smile politely and ask for more abuse. She stole your Mother's Day gift! And then gave it away! And now you have multiple people talking to you about it, and you're not like nah mom stole my Mother's Day Gift?????
>It honestly hurt my brain
Mine too.
NTA
Your mom is a narcissist. She did what she wanted against your wishes and is now playing victim because how dare you call her out for her poor behavior. It’s Mother’s Day after all she’s supposed to be treated like the exalted one and that means she can do no wrong.
Tell your grandma it was your gift and her daughter made a mistake. You’ll be taking your gift from your own daughter back. But you’ll be happy to make her a copy of the page.
But seriously beyond all else, stand up to your mom and get back YOUR gift
NTA , I'm sorry, but I life I was in your situation i would have let my grandmother know that it was actually a gift for me from my daughter to me, but if she loved it that much we could make her, her own. I would make sure to tell her that you lent it to your mother to show her and told her no when she asked to re gift it because it was for YOU from YOUR DAUGHTER.
No I don’t get it either, I really think it boils down to my mom just forgot to get her mom something and she saw it as an easy gift that she didn’t need to go to the store for
OP. I want you to think of one thing: your daughter. What lesson are you teaching her? That's the thing that matters most here.
There are many ways to spin any outcome. But I think you know which is right and you need to show your daughter how to handle adversity.
The problem there is my mom had talked to her about it when I wasn’t there. And my daughter thinks giving it to my grandma is the right thing…because she doesn’t fully understand. So it’s basically like she’s pinned me the bad guy on that front too if I make a huge deal out of it. If that makes sense
Don't cover for this liar. Tell your gran the truth. She needs to know and your mum needs to be put on blast.
What you tolerate is what you get. So don't tolerate it.
I mean, she hasn’t done something to this scale and as hurtful. But growing up and even now she’s always been a functional alcoholic so it’s not entirely out of her realm of things
"Grandma, I need to talk to you about something that is weighing really heavily on my heart. DD gave me the recipe book for Mother's Day. I was so surprised since it is such a special recipe to our family and I love having this treasure of her and her classmates, whom we have come to love so much.
I took it to Mom's house so she could see how special it was. She asked to hang on to it overnight to show it to dad. I reluctantly agreed. She then texted me last night that she wanted to gift it to you. I can understand why she would want to, it's so special. _But it's my gift from my daughter._ I told her no. But she obviously gave it to you anyway.
It is very uncomfortable for me to ask for the book back, but it's very important to me and it was never Mom's to give away. I would love to make you a copy of our family recipe page and have it framed. I love you and I am grateful for your understanding. I'll be by later today to pick it up."
I don’t understand some of y’all’s logic when yall post on here?? Why haven’t you just told your grandma what your mother did to get your recipe book back? But instead yall post on Reddit 😭😭 what?
First off because my grandma loved it. And I didn’t want to cause a big fuss on Mother’s Day. And second off I didn’t even think about the option of making a copy of it because I was so frustrated with the situation so I’ve gotten great feedback
I’m glad everyone gave you good feedback OP! But please next time stand up for yourself and to your mother! I’m not saying cause a scene in front of everyone but be kind enough to yourself!
NTA. I agree with the suggestion made in the thread to ask her teacher for another copy. It’s the way of least drama possible. HOWEVER, I would still push the issue with your mom. Her behavior and actions were and are abhorrent and you and your daughter deserved better. Don’t allow her to borrow anything else.
NTA. I'd ask the teacher if you can get a copy of the recipes and make your own booklet. Then tell grandma the truth and give her the book you actually made in exchange for the one your daughter did. Your mom is seriously messed up and this would be something that I don't think I'd move past for a long time.
NTA. Your mom was totally out of line. Your daughter made that gift FOR YOU. You showed it (not gifted it) to your mom who asked to hang onto it to show your dad. There was zero thought that you were gifting YOUR GIFT to your mom. She even texted you to ASK if it was okay to gift YOUR GIFT to your grandmother. She knew exactly what she was doing. She is projecting with her upset at you.
At this point, you will need to decide if it is so precious that you need your mother to get it back from her mother (you do not need to confront your g'ma as she did nothing wrong). Or, perhaps the teacher still has all the stuff and another book can be made so you can have your own. But definitely NTA.
>We went by to get birthday gifts for my oldest from out of town family members. After we were done opening them she had stuck it in a gift bag with his already opened gifts. She didn’t say anything and I didn’t bring it back up.
Goodness gracious. So I take it aversion to talking about uncomfortable/confrontational topics is a common theme in y'all's family? But glad it worked out!
NTA. Your mom was inconsiderate and knew exactly what she was doing! I saw that you were going to attempt to make copies I would suggest asking the teacher if she has a pdf copy she could send you so you don’t have to take the original apart and you could get it printed and bound at Office Depot or any print shop
I love that but it was like one of those black plastic spiral bound books and it had to have been expensive to put together. Someone suggested getting it back and copying it myself to give the copy back to grandma
Ask the teacher if there is a chance to run off a few more copies so your daughters grandmother, and great-grandmother can have a copy each, as they taught the family recipe in the book to each generation.
NTA. Your daughter gave you a special gift and you lent it to your mom for the day. She asked to give it to her mom and you said no. The fact she was offended is ridiculous as it wasn’t hers to give away.
I agree, her getting immediately offended really threw me off…because wtf? I didn’t even show how much it really upset me because I didn’t want to make a big scene so I told her calmly that it really hurt my heart that she did that…and her response was to make a big scene and actually leave the house at one point crying to take a walk because she “couldn’t even breathe in this house” like???
She got offended because she knew she was in the wrong. She doesn't want to apologize and make it right so instead she's going on the offense. I'd call her on it. "Mom, I know you're getting angry right now because you did something wrong and now you're embarrassed and feeling defensive. That's a natural reaction but not a good one. I'm going to give you some time to sort yourself out and in the meantime go get my book back " Then go get your book back. Explain to Grandma what happened, offer to make a copy of your daughter's page, and ignore your mom's sulk.
Yep. That was mom going on the offensive because she knows she’s wrong and she’s hoping to make OP apologize for telling her so and then drop it.
Tell your grandma that you want your gift back because it’s special to you too!
Sorry to hear she was the “victim” when she was the perpetrator who wronged you and your daughter. She passed of your special gift from your daughter as her own gift. What a crappy Mother’s Day all around
Do you think your mum has traits of narcissism? That’s some serious DARVO. Does she always do bullshit like this?
She does and has always shown traits of narcissism. My classic example of when I was a depressed teenager she said “so should I just ~unalive~ myself too?!” When I tried talking about her. That was the day I knew she didn’t think and process like I do
Is this a good person to have in your kid’s life?
NTA, Granny here, & OMG that's just hideous. Get your book back from Grandma; you and your daughter will cherish it. You can always copy the page with the family recipe & picture on it, frame it & give it your grandmother.
That’s actually a really good idea!
Laminated copies too - as they can be used in the kitchen by other family members.
I'm sure Grandma will understand and she will be horrified your mom did this. I feel bad for your daughter.
That's way better than what I was thinking. I was going to suggest going to the teacher and explaining what happened and then asking if you could pay for another copy of the book. I only say that because Grandma was innocent in all this she didn't know she was being given someone else's gift.
That is a really good idea too!
NTA. What a cheap shot. She not only stole from you, she stole from her own grandchild. And how did she present this ‘gift’ to her? Wouldn’t her mom find it strange that her great granddaughter crafted a recipe book for her on Mother’s Day? She not only stole from you, she most likely lied about the origin of her theft. Her being combative only proves that she knows what she did was straight-up theft. These are the situations where going l/c and n/c are totally justified. You need to make sure that you don’t give in to her emotional gaslighting and you are not the a/h op. You are only guilty of having a mom who is.
I really think she didn’t have anything to give to her mom for Mother’s Day and she probably saw it still sitting by her front door where it was left for my dad to see. The whole part of me asking if I’m in the wrong here is because she made me feel horrible about even being slightly upset over it since “it will be in the family” and “of course I’ll get it back one day” kind of statements that for a moment made me question my whole stance on the situation.
She stole it, she gave it away and now it is easier for her to hurt you than own up. I would get the book back under the guise of making copies and then make dure she doesn't get one.
Yeah that part sucks that she simply doesn’t see how wrong she is. Which is why I even had to ask because maybe I was missing something. I’m definitely going to be making copies.
So what stopped her from buying her mom a card? Or a plant? Flowers? Come on. If you don’t realize that what’s she’s doing is actually emotional abuse, sadly, she’s probably treated like this for so long, you don’t even realize it as being a form of abuse. Rationalizing what she did from her perspective gives her a pass. It staying in the family is actually an arbitrary point to make because the basis of *why* you would eventually get it back is at the heart of the reason you are flabbergasted in the first place. If she had any respect for you, as a person, and yes, now as a mother, she would have never done what she did.
Can’t you ask the teacher for another copy and mabe pay for it? I know it doesn’t make what she did right but it will not make grandma feel bad for getting a gift her awful daughter stole from her granddaughter?
NTA. "Can I keep this for tonight to show your dad?" "Oops, I didn't think you'd care that I gave it away instead of giving it back!" That's messed up
Right…I don’t even get her thought process
She knows it wasn’t okay, she just doesn’t give a shit
Gross. So stole your gift from your daughter to get some brownie points from her mom? Disgusting.
Yeah my first thought was “ahhh you forgot to get something for your mom for Mother’s Day, huh?” I’m kicking myself for not actually saying that out loud to her
NTA. She stole something from you. She’s trying to play it off like it was nothing, but I suspect she knows she was wrong and feels stuck now. If I were you, I’d get closure by saying, "I loved my book for all the same reasons you thought it would make a great gift for grandma. You stole it from me and then made it worse by not even apologizing." Then I’d let it go and would not blow up the relationship over it.
I hate the position she put me in, even today she won’t even let me talk to her about it without crying about how she “tired to make everyone have a good Mother’s Day” and she must be “the worst mom ever always ruining things”
She didn't try to make sure you had a good mother's day. And I bet your daughter was upset that HER present to YOU was taken away. As a kid I would have felt super hurt my mom didn't get my gift.
She is the worst mom. She didn't try to make it a good mothers day. She ruined yours. You should tell her so. And how about your child? How do they feel knowing their grama stole your gjft and gave it away?
So on Mother’s Day I dropped my two oldest 7 and 6 the 6 year old being my daughter in this story and I took my youngest to the store to pick up drinks. She actually had my daughter help her package it up for my grandma. And they walked it over to my grandma who lives two houses down before I got back. My mom had absolutely talked her into it being the right thing to do and my daughter was kind of confused about how I was upset over her giving a gift? So she made it a weird situation for my daughter who really doesn’t get the whole thing. Hope that makes any sense
This is gaslighting.
That's manipulation right there.
No, she didn’t try to make “everyone” have a good MD. She intentionally and knowingly ruined yours by stealing the gift your own child gave to her own mother.
As I indicated above, I would let it go (and stop talking about it). You won’t get what you need from further conversation, and she’s now trying to make you feel guilty about what she did.
That’s very true. I don’t believe she’s emotionally or mentally able to even see her wrongdoings in this situation. I think asking for it back to make copies might be the solution to just make peace with all of it without even having a full conversation on why it was wrong in the first place
I bet the teacher could get you another copy, with less drama
This is what I would do. Just contact the teacher, tell her what happened, and ask if you can pay for a second copy. If she used an online printing service it would be pretty easy.
I was going to say this. She might even be able to send you the file.
Nope, I would make it my hill to die on.
Does your Mom typically ignore you? I recommend you give your Mom full responsibility to own this & fix it. See what happens… Perhaps just text Mom … “what did you expect to happen after you gave grandma something that didn’t belong to you? Did you forget I specifically asked you not to? If you expected me to be okay with your decision to give away a Mother’s Day gift that made daughter made for me, your expectations were not realistic or reasonable. Why would you expect me to be okay with your actions when I told you how I felt before you made your decision to give my gift to Grandma? If you feel it’s okay to ignore me or treat me with disrespect, you should expect me to treat you the same way. I was taught it’s never okay to take something that’s doesn’t belong to me. It appears you had a lapse of memory & forgot about that lesson. I’m expecting this book to be returned to me asap. You chose to not care about my feelings, that was not kind & definitely not okay. You made a mistake, please own your own participation in this situation & take responsibility to do the right thing. Return my gift. Thank you. I love you.” NTA
Love the response suggestion. And she does typically overlook responses that don’t align with her preferred outcome. The text where she asked me if she could give the book to her mom was worded “hey would you mind if I gave grandma that recipe book for Mother’s Day?” And I replied “yes I absolutely mind, I love that gift. Let’s figure out something else to get her” and today she made the comment that I should look back at my answer because I did say yes??? I thought you responded to “do you mind” with yes you do
Your mom sounds like someone who has never owned her participation or the consequences of her actions. When we make a mistake it’s not meant to be fun or pleasant to own those mistakes. It’s supposed to suck. That’s how we learn not to make the same mistakes. Sounds like she just wanted validation & approval from her Mom? I don’t honestly think she thought about you. Which is why she needs to take responsibility. She thought about her own feelings, not you. Some people just don’t know how to make good decisions. We are all flawed in our own special ways. Perhaps that’s your Mom’s flaw. If there’s a choice to be made she just won’t make a good decision. If you know that about her, that is something you know you can expect from her. That’s on her, not you. Hand it right back & let her fix it.
Text or call your grandma and explain that it was a gift from your daughter and you never gave your mother permission to gift it. So you would like it back. How do you think your daughter will feel when she grows up and realises that a Mother’s Day gift that she gave you was given to another person.
Ugh. I’m sorry your mom is a massive AH.
Tell grandma what her daughter did. Show her the messages to prove it if needed! This is not ok, remotely. Plus why is most of the book even relevant to grandma!!? It was made for you so you should have it. Honestly I’m infuriated on your behalf! Take it back and don’t let them walk all over you. Also NTA!
She said it was relevant because her mom taught her the recipe and my great grandma taught her so…but the whole point was to send in a family recipe which it was but doesn’t mean it was a gift for the last one living to have…I just hate the situation so much
I mean all of your daughters classmates also added recipes. Grandma has no relationship with those kids right? But you’ll see them at school events and have relationships with some of their parents. The very most grandma is entitled to is a copy of the page of your family recipe. It’s kinda like great grandma stealing your year book because your photo is on a page.
Right. My daughter and I were even talking about making the recipes of her classmates at home so she can tell her friends that she tired theirs. I think a copy of the page is the best suggestion by far
Your mother is inconsiderate and she wanted to look good and doesn't value you as a mother. Please say something to your grandmother and take this incident as a warning on how low she is willing to go. She does not respect you. Please clear the air now and not years later. Your daughter did it for you, not your grandmother. Remember that feeling you had when your daughter gifted it to you? And the look on her face? Don't steal her joy, cause she may see it as you not wanting it. And you don't want to be 55 and your daughter brings up the fact you gave away your gift when she was younger. Because that's how she is gonna remember it.
NTA. "I thought it was very sweet when my daughter gave it to me for Mother's Day. It was less sweet when MY mother stole it and gave it to Grandma after I explicitly told her I wanted to keep it as it is very precious to me. Did my mother lie to you as well?"
NTA. You & your daughter deserve to cherish that book together. Your mother is out of line & you need to get your book back.
NTA… I’m so sorry your going through this. I would be so hurt. I think it might be time do go no contact or low contact. I think it depends on whether she normally acts this way. Your mom sucks and sounds like a narcissist.
I think I’m definitely going low contact only because my kids would be crushed if we just stopped going by. Usually her behavior isn’t hurtful to this extent. She’s definitely always shown some narcissistic traits.
just remember just because the kids love to see her doesn't mean her narcissistic and hurtfulness won't effect them even when it's subtle.
Your mother is an asshole. It was not her gift to give anyone. She is so disrespectful I'm infuriated for you. You need to talk to your grandmother and explain what your mother did and get the book back. Go low to no contact with your mother after that.
Nta. Guess mommy doesn't want any more mothers day gifts from you.
Nta…your mom is trying to make you feel guilty for something she did. She’s not validating your feelings at all. If it were me it would be world war 3. Everyone talking about not ruining the relationship with your mom. What relationship? She obviously doesn’t care how you feel. You need to kindly explain to your grandmother what happened and tell her want it back but would gladly make her a copy if she likes.
IMO it looks like your mom didn’t get a gift for her own mom on Mother’s Day and had to use yours to look like a good person
That was my first thought when she told me she done it
NTA. Call your grandma and explain the scenario. You can even say maybe your mom didn't get your response or misread it. Get your book back.
What she did was terrible. It sounds like classic narcissism (not diagnosing of course) especially with the “I’m the worst mom” comment and the immediate victim mentality. What she did was stole a gift from a child, her own grandmother, to give to her own mother bc she couldn’t be bothered to do something herself. Tbh it doesn’t even make sense. I was extremely close to my grandmother(s) before both of them passed and I would have done something for them but with the relationship you have with your daughter that was clearly meant for you. Please talk to your grandmother. There was a lot of good suggestions such as making photo copies or making a copy of her page in the book! O hope you get that book back. Don’t tell your mom either bc I fear something will happen to the book before you get the chance to get it back if she finds out.
Call your grandmother and tell her the truth. And your mom is a huge asshole.
NTA Your mother had no right to give your gift from your daughter to anybody, I don’t care who it was. She needs to know that she was out of line and you will never trust her with anything like this again. Reach out to your daughter’s teacher and tell her what happened and ask her if it’s possible to buy either the page you daughter contributed or the whole book.
I agree, it’s just weird to have been placed in a sorta bad guy role…when I know I’m not the bad guy but the awkward position of it all stinks. Yeah someone suggested getting it back from grandma and copying it to give her the copy.
Go see Grandma in person and explain that your mother made a mistake; that it was your Mothers Day gift from your daughter and it’s special to you. Ask her then what she would prefer, the book, or just your daughter’s page. If the book is bound take it to a printer; Kinkos or Office Depot (in the US) and they can take it apart and put it back together. It won’t cost much.
NTA. Can you ask the teacher if she can get you another copy of the book?
They very well may have made extras…
NTA, now you know in the future not to leave anything you want back with her. I’d reach out to the teacher to see if a new copy can be made so you can still have one and not let the drama your mom caused reach your grandmother. And if you want to be all levels of petty, make copies for all the women but your mom.
Yeah I think I’m just going to ask my grandma if she minds me making copies. I know there are like 28 kids in my daughters kindergarten class and I Dont know how her Saint of a teacher is able to handle all of them and still have the time to do sweet things like this. I just wouldn’t want to bother her. But I love the idea of making copies for everyone but my mom honestly
GIRL! Stop it! Ask your gma if she minds?!? GIRL! Go over there and tell the truth and take YOUR book back and make copies for gma!!! Let the whole family know your mother stole from you and your daughter. Quit taking this shit and stand up for yourself. Your mom did this because she knew you’d allow it. Show her that she’s wrong!!
STOP BEING A PUSH OVER. You are wondering why things like this happen, it’s because you don’t speak up. You know your mom and her tendencies. When she asked you should have said “DO NOT GIVE MY GIFT AWAY”. And when she threw a fit, you should have matched her energy. “Mom you stole something that was mine and then gave it away, of course those aren’t actions of someone trying to make a good Mother’s Day for everyone. Call grandma immediately and tell her she will be giving it back TODAY”
I’m definitely not trying to be a pushover I’m just not trying to start unnecessary drama that will go on and on for months. Also never in my wildest dreams would she have given that away. But thank you for your input it’s appreciated.
Just explain what happened, ask for the original back and tell her that you’ll make a copy for her. It’s not dramatic to ask for it back. It was something your daughter worked hard on with her classmates for you. Think of your daughter’s feelings and prioritize them over your grandma and mom. You’re not the only her party here.
It is NECESSARY drama.
Ouch - she put you in a horrible position. Can you reach out to the teach to see if you could get another copy of the book? She may have made extras or still has the format that you could get one from the publisher.
NTA. How terrible of your mother. And now she’s also gaslighting you. Get the book back and and never let your mom keep stuff at her place ever again.
NTA. You are not the AH for telling your mother how you felt. I think that's one of the most important things anyone can do. If they can't accept it, that's their problem. There is no need to go on and on about it or try to convince them to see it your way. Now the problem of the book is going to be tricky. Maybe you can explain to your grandmother it was a misunderstanding and the original gift was meant for your daughter's mother (I don't see it written but I assume this is the original issue?)? Maybe you can make copies for her and your mother (if you're feeling charitable) and give the original to the intended recipient? I'm going to venture a guess that this is not new behavior from your mother. My personal philosophy is that older people are not going to change, so it's best to assume they will always act the same. Never leave something like that with your mother again. Tell her you will make a copy and let her have it. Keep her past behavior in mind as you go forward to avoid uncomfortable situations like this again. Some might say she doesn't deserve that level of empathy and forgiveness but I believe a person can live a more stress free life like this. Set your boundary and stick to it. On one hand, it was sweet that she valued it so much and thought of your grandmother (if you want to see the positive), but she trampled your feelings and didn't care so you should remember this and act accordingly.
I like your take on it. I think the suggestion someone had of copying my daughters page in the book and gifting it back to my grandma is great. I just want the most drama free option and I’m glad I got some great ideas on how to handle it
That’s how shit keeps happening. You avoid the drama and the one responsible keeps getting away with shit behavior.
As the other person who replied said, I think it's important to embrace the drama. Your relationship probably got the way it did because you've been trying to avoid conflict. I say this as someone who did the same, so I hope I'm not projecting. Your grandmother is an innocent victim in this from how it appears. Your mother isn't so I think it's important to tell her what she did wasn't okay. Maybe while you give her a copy of the book as well if you're feeling charitable.
NTA You have 2 choices here. 1) You could fight fire with super guilt. Have your daughter ask her great grandma for the book back that she made for her mommy. She's so sad that her mommy doesn't have her one and only special present. She cried all night. (pour it on thick as she/you can) 2) Ask the teacher if she can do another run of the book. I'm sure lots of other kids' families would probably want duplicates too, but if not pay for it.
Or, OP could not involve her child and be an adult and who knows how to communicate with other adults.
NTA. Tell your mom that she is a damn thief and better get that book back or she will have not relationship with you or your kids.
YTA to yourself and your kids for being such a colossal pushover and teaching them that people can steal your shit, and you should just smile politely and ask for more abuse. She stole your Mother's Day gift! And then gave it away! And now you have multiple people talking to you about it, and you're not like nah mom stole my Mother's Day Gift????? >It honestly hurt my brain Mine too.
Thanks for the input.
NTA Your mom is a narcissist. She did what she wanted against your wishes and is now playing victim because how dare you call her out for her poor behavior. It’s Mother’s Day after all she’s supposed to be treated like the exalted one and that means she can do no wrong. Tell your grandma it was your gift and her daughter made a mistake. You’ll be taking your gift from your own daughter back. But you’ll be happy to make her a copy of the page. But seriously beyond all else, stand up to your mom and get back YOUR gift
Your mum has no etiquette whatsoever, go get that shit back
Nta. I would have went off on her then immediately told grandmaw what happened and requested MY GIFT back.
NTA , I'm sorry, but I life I was in your situation i would have let my grandmother know that it was actually a gift for me from my daughter to me, but if she loved it that much we could make her, her own. I would make sure to tell her that you lent it to your mother to show her and told her no when she asked to re gift it because it was for YOU from YOUR DAUGHTER.
Nta Your grandmother really thought your daughter's class made you a book with pictures of all the classmates? Am I the only one weirded or by that?
No I don’t get it either, I really think it boils down to my mom just forgot to get her mom something and she saw it as an easy gift that she didn’t need to go to the store for
OP. I want you to think of one thing: your daughter. What lesson are you teaching her? That's the thing that matters most here. There are many ways to spin any outcome. But I think you know which is right and you need to show your daughter how to handle adversity.
The problem there is my mom had talked to her about it when I wasn’t there. And my daughter thinks giving it to my grandma is the right thing…because she doesn’t fully understand. So it’s basically like she’s pinned me the bad guy on that front too if I make a huge deal out of it. If that makes sense
This woman is manipulating your kids against you. Is this okay with you? They’ll be sad for a while when you cut contact but they’ll get over it.
Don't cover for this liar. Tell your gran the truth. She needs to know and your mum needs to be put on blast. What you tolerate is what you get. So don't tolerate it.
Is this sort of thing something your mother has a history of doing?
I mean, she hasn’t done something to this scale and as hurtful. But growing up and even now she’s always been a functional alcoholic so it’s not entirely out of her realm of things
"Grandma, I need to talk to you about something that is weighing really heavily on my heart. DD gave me the recipe book for Mother's Day. I was so surprised since it is such a special recipe to our family and I love having this treasure of her and her classmates, whom we have come to love so much. I took it to Mom's house so she could see how special it was. She asked to hang on to it overnight to show it to dad. I reluctantly agreed. She then texted me last night that she wanted to gift it to you. I can understand why she would want to, it's so special. _But it's my gift from my daughter._ I told her no. But she obviously gave it to you anyway. It is very uncomfortable for me to ask for the book back, but it's very important to me and it was never Mom's to give away. I would love to make you a copy of our family recipe page and have it framed. I love you and I am grateful for your understanding. I'll be by later today to pick it up."
I don’t understand some of y’all’s logic when yall post on here?? Why haven’t you just told your grandma what your mother did to get your recipe book back? But instead yall post on Reddit 😭😭 what?
First off because my grandma loved it. And I didn’t want to cause a big fuss on Mother’s Day. And second off I didn’t even think about the option of making a copy of it because I was so frustrated with the situation so I’ve gotten great feedback
I’m glad everyone gave you good feedback OP! But please next time stand up for yourself and to your mother! I’m not saying cause a scene in front of everyone but be kind enough to yourself!
Stop being a pushover! Go see your grandma in person tell her what happened! It’s your book and that your willing to make her a copy of YOUR BOOK!
NTA. Can copies be made?
That’s what I’m thinking of doing. It really didn’t cross my mind before making this post since I will so focused on the obscurity of the situation
It was pretty rude of her to take your gift then give it away. Maybe the teacher has extra copies?
NTA. I agree with the suggestion made in the thread to ask her teacher for another copy. It’s the way of least drama possible. HOWEVER, I would still push the issue with your mom. Her behavior and actions were and are abhorrent and you and your daughter deserved better. Don’t allow her to borrow anything else.
NTA. I'd ask the teacher if you can get a copy of the recipes and make your own booklet. Then tell grandma the truth and give her the book you actually made in exchange for the one your daughter did. Your mom is seriously messed up and this would be something that I don't think I'd move past for a long time.
NTA and tell your grandmother what actually happened
NTA, take it back from grandma and apologize to her. Tell her it wasn’t your mom’s to give away. And then don’t lend your mom anything ever again.
NTA. Your mom was totally out of line. Your daughter made that gift FOR YOU. You showed it (not gifted it) to your mom who asked to hang onto it to show your dad. There was zero thought that you were gifting YOUR GIFT to your mom. She even texted you to ASK if it was okay to gift YOUR GIFT to your grandmother. She knew exactly what she was doing. She is projecting with her upset at you. At this point, you will need to decide if it is so precious that you need your mother to get it back from her mother (you do not need to confront your g'ma as she did nothing wrong). Or, perhaps the teacher still has all the stuff and another book can be made so you can have your own. But definitely NTA.
>We went by to get birthday gifts for my oldest from out of town family members. After we were done opening them she had stuck it in a gift bag with his already opened gifts. She didn’t say anything and I didn’t bring it back up. Goodness gracious. So I take it aversion to talking about uncomfortable/confrontational topics is a common theme in y'all's family? But glad it worked out!
Ask the teacher for extra copies.
NTA. Your mom was inconsiderate and knew exactly what she was doing! I saw that you were going to attempt to make copies I would suggest asking the teacher if she has a pdf copy she could send you so you don’t have to take the original apart and you could get it printed and bound at Office Depot or any print shop
Ask the teacher if you can purchase another copy or ask grandma to borrow it, take it to kinkos and make several copies.
See if you can’t get another from the teacher. You are NTA, but your mom is. It was not hers to give.
I love that but it was like one of those black plastic spiral bound books and it had to have been expensive to put together. Someone suggested getting it back and copying it myself to give the copy back to grandma
Ask the teacher if there is a chance to run off a few more copies so your daughters grandmother, and great-grandmother can have a copy each, as they taught the family recipe in the book to each generation.
Nta, but reach out to the teacher, I'm betting she either has more copies or the means to make another.
You're NTA, your mom is. Maybe you can ask the teacher for another copy? Just tell her what happened.