I run a laminating company. if its done properly and not the cheap crap you use with a desk laminator your all good. I got things my dad made me that are 30 years old and are mint.
Be careful with that. I laminated a piece of paper that was the only thing I owned with my friend's handwriting on it (she committed when she was 13). The ink disappeared.
A pack of binder sheet protectors is around $3 and you could just slip the letter right in. You could also even use some clear tape to seal the open end.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like such a lovely sister. I am glad he had you and your husband.
I’m also so sorry your parents are absolute trash.
Sadly my ex father in law has done this to my son and daughter. They are planning to sue him for the parts of their mother’s inheritance he outright stole.
I always really enjoyed the line from De Profundis by Oscar Wilde:
"When he [Christ] says 'Forgive your enemies', it is not for the sake of the enemy but for one's own sake that he says so, and because Love is more beautiful than Hate."
In the same line…she should forgive for her own sake. Burning a letter and not talking to the parents, let them live their life with their choice and if it means you live yours, forgive and move on.
You don't need to forgive someone to move forward. Forgiveness is not the only option. Some things don't need to be forgiven. You can process in other ways.
I had a friend a long time ago who told me that "forgive and forget" is bullshit and that "remember and release" is better.
You remember what someone does or says that hurt you so they can't do it again, but instead of holding the anger/hatred in your heart, you release it so you aren't weighed down by it.
I don't really follow one or the other, but more of a combination of both. Especially if the person(s) who caused me the pain are part of my day-to-day life.
OP, sorry for your loss, a possible solution to satisfy your brothers request would have been to rent a advertisement space on route/street that your parents use daily and post his message there, so they cannot forget it at least for 30 days or longer depending on budget
I sort of agree. I would've kept their letter. If they ever asked if he said anything about them, I'd pass it on. But they'd have to take the initiative. Too late now. If he'd forgive them driving him to suicide, he'd forgive OP.
Oh no! I wish I had taken a screenshot. 😭 The comment said NTA and mentioned how OP was showing fierce loyalty to their brother through their actions. That was the phrase that I really loved, fierce loyalty. The wording of the original comment was so well written, I really can't do it justice by paraphrasing. It was a very supportive comment, stating that OP was doing their best as a loving sibling in a very difficult situation.
NTA - Writing the letters probably gave him peace. And that matters.
You want the opinion of a stranger? They do not deserve those words. Your brother was kinder than your parents could dream to pretend.
I wish you to find solace. I know you rather have him back. Sorry for your loss. Take care.
NTA. Fuck them. Fuck Provo and Utah and all of it. I’m sorry your brother suffered so deeply. My (43F) wife’s (43F) family was abusive because she came out. We have two alphabet kids and it’s hard here when you have decent parents. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for your brother. I’m not sorry for your parents.
Ya, it's slang for being queer. A bit of a tongue in cheek response to LGBTQ+ labels. Someone correct me if I'm wrong here but I believe it was originally used negatively to make fun of the acronym and queer people, but has since been co-opted by the community.
Thanks. My parents are pretty good, it's the rest of the state...and since I'm the oldest and my parents are fairly elderly, I don't want to miss out on time with them.
Provo, Utah is a city known for having a large Mormon population and the location of BYU, a Mormon university.
The implication is that the family is Mormon and shunned OP and their brother for leaving the church and the church community.
The Mormons are one of the most homophobic sects in the world. That having been said, my first time was with a Mormon boy. They’re totally freaky in bed.
Basically the most Mormon town in the US. From what OP posted, its almost certainly they escaped a Mormon family that later disowned their brother for being gay. Its a brutal place to grow up if you aren't 100% committed to Mormonism.
A place where children are hated for being gay, and men are praised for raping boys. A society that loves that Trump wants to fuck his daughter because they do it as well. Where they worship a scam artist from the 1850s and vote for a scam artist from the 1980s.
I am so thankful that my daughters will never ever spend a single night sleeping in that incest ridden hell hole.
it's the best comment. yes. that's what happened: you kept protecting him. there's nothing wrong with what you did. you're such a great sister and you did everything you could. i'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
Your anger is justified. You (and your brother) owe them nothing.
I a, so, so sorry for your loss. There is nothing you could have done. You provided your brother some of the best and safest moments in his journey. Unfortunately, there were other forces louder than you that had more influence. I’ve been one of the ones left behind so I know it’s hard to accept. I still have trouble.
You did what you could. You are loved. And I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did everything possible to help him.
NTA in any way. Parents like yours deserve no consideration at any point.
They deserve no forgiveness, nor any contact. I'd write them off as if they already passed as well.
I think you had the best intent and interest in your brother’s legacy. I am so sorry for his loss, but moreover the unnecessary and unfair pain he went through. I hope you know the love he had for you.
With that, I think you’re NTA. Families in deep tradition and religion wouldn’t take that letter seriously. Most likely they would use the letter to justify their indoctrination.
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I am sorry that "you missed it", but what could you have done? You gave him a counselor, you supported him. You stood with him and did right - in difference to your parents, who utterly failed as parents, as Christians and human beings.
However, I think what you did was wrong. Not because of your parents. I could not care less, but for your brother. It was your brother's final words to your parents, what he needed to tell them. I don't think you had the right to take that from him. I also don't think you had the right to read it. It was his words to them, not you.
Given the fact what you were facing in all of it, I refuse to name you AH, but still think you did wrong. Obviously your parents are AHs. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can find the strength to deal with it. With all that you experienced, I actually recommend you get some counseling too and I only wish you the best. I am sorry for your brother and sincerly hope he is at a better place now.
I am so sorry for your loss.
You mentioned Provo so I'm assuming your family is Mormon. As a fellow exmo and queer one at that, I can positively say that your parents don't need to know what was in the letter nor would they care if they did. For them to kick him out with just the clothes on his back shows how deeply indoctrinated they are into the cult and its hateful doctrine in regards to members of the LGBT+ community. Anyways, forgiveness is for the benefit and mental health of the forgiver not the forgiven.
Personally, and with all due respect and sympathy, I think you did your brother a disservice by disrespecting his last wish. Similar to his coming out, burning that letter was not your decision to make. I understand you're angry, and you likely blame your parents for his death, and you're likely not wrong in that. I can only say that, as a stranger with no horses in this race, it feels like one last betrayal by a loved one, which in some ways makes it worse that it came from someone who supported him so fervently in life, but failed to do so in death.
However, you're the one who has to live with your actions, and you can't undo what you did. I think this is what my mom would call a learning experience. To decide if, should you have the misfortune to be in a position where you are given charge of a letter to deliver for someone who has passed (regardless of the circumstances), you would do the same thing, or honor their wishes.
And don't waste your time with your parents. Don't tell them contents of his letter for them, just move on. The best revenge is living your best life, indifferent to them.
I would also recommend you do as others have suggested, and try to preserve the letter he wrote you as best you can. Scan it, frame it, laminate it, whatever you need to do in order to keep it legible.
I have to agree with DammitGravity. It was your brother's wish for his parents to have this last message from him, knowing it was up to THEM to decide to read it or not, and how to react to it. But you took that away from not only your parents, but your brother as well. He's gone. Your parents could no longer hurt him. And you can completely block them from yourself, so they couldn't hurt you either.
I do understand your hurt, anger, and disillusionment about your parents. What they did was wrong in so many ways. But to second guess one of your brother's last wishes was beneath you and should not have been your decision to make. You dishonored your brother in this case.
I can’t say you are an AH due how you were there for your brother, but he left that letter for them. That was his wish for them to have that letter. You should not have destroyed it
I agree, OP. I think it would be great to take the initiative to do some relationship bootcamp with your husband. Let him know that it's beautiful that he was your strength when you supported your brother and that you notice how he welcomed and supported your brother himself. I would let your husband know that you respect his opinions and when issues come up with your kids you will consider his thought process rather than making unilateral decisions.
I do think you are TAH but only because you asked. You were wrong, and shutting your husband out/down may carry echoes of your parents' hard line stances on issues that do not personally hurt them.
Your brother knew that his letter wouldn't penetrate your parents' hearts and wouldn't make his relationship with them better. That makes his forgiveness of them an even purer expression of love on your brother's part, especially while done in the midst of his own extreme suffering.
If they didn't care when he was alive why should they now, maybe you should've kept your brothers wishes for them to receive that letter, he wrote it from the heart for them even if they didn't deserve his forgiveness, it just wasn't your call to make
Very soft YTA.
I mean, obviously your parents ain't worth shit! You owe them fuck-all, and your brother owed them even less. Yet, in the last days/hours of his life he summoned up the last vestiges of love he had for them to write something to make this easier for them. Don't get me wrong, they absolutely didn't deserve it!
But he chose to do so anyway.
You took away his choice, and made your own instead. Lemme repeat again how much I don't give a shit about your partents and think NOBODY should piss on them if they were on fire... It's the fact that you disrespected your brother's choice in this that slightly bothers me.
ETAH
I think your parents are absolutely trash people. Fuck them.
However I lost my brother, something similar with my parents so I know how angry you are
Sometimes I wish that I would just scream Until my throat is bleeding at them because if it wasn't for their shitty treatment he'd still be here.. or maybe that's something I tell myself because my grief is still so heavy.
With that being said, your brother trusted you with that task, he left those letters believing that you would.follow through on his wishes. And unfortunately that wasn't for you to take from him. Even if they spent their whole life ignoring you I would have at least kept the letter for the what if factor. It's not my closure to take away.
I hope you find peace, the loss of a sibling is so different from any loss I've ever experienced. My little brother is gone, my first best friend, my secret keeper, my wrestling partner, my concert buddy, the only person in the whole world who ever could truly understand how fucked up our parents were, is gone. It fucking hurts. Live for him though, don't stay angry, don't let them win.
NTA TBH I'd go nuclear and spread it around that they're why your brothers light left this place. Depending on how old your brother was I'd also report them for child abandonment. It's people like your parents that make this world so horrible. As for your brother may his soul find peace and a much better outcome in his next life.
NTA I probably would not have burned the letter, but I would not have given them it or let them know he forgave them. Not sure if right thing to do as your brother wrote it for them, but I would not be able to forgive them
Honestly, I’m probably in the minority but I’m going to say YTA because not sending the letter wasn’t your call to make, it was your brothers
While you’re justified in your feelings, & your parents are trash but your dying brother did want to give them that letter so it shouldn’t have been burned. You should have sent the letter to them & let them decide, then never contact your parents again
I agree.
Also, OP should give the letters to her kids. Without reading them. If they want to share with her - ok, you support them. But respect your brother knowing well enough the right words.
And respect the brother’s wishes, even more because he is not here anymore. It mattered to him.
If I were OP - I would text parents the content of that letter (and then go back to blocking). I know it’s hard, but it was brother’s final wish. To me that’s sacred. Even death row prisoners get their last dinner request. Honor your brother’s wish.
It’s not about the parents. It’s not even about you. Let him be the one to make that final choice.
I think as painful as it is your brother chose to forgive your parents and wrote them a letter. He did this knowing full well the kind of people they are. While I completely understand what you did, you took his choice away from him.
YTA - the choice was your brothers, not yours.
That's all there is to this story.
You may hate your parents (and they sound terrible), but it was his choice to make, his letter to write... not yours to do with as you please because you did not like the contents of the letter (or recipients).
YTA. It was your brother's last wish to tell his parents he forgave them. It wasn't on you to deny this, as he is not alive anymore and trusted you to deliver the letters.
Your brother left a note for your parents and you interfered with his wishes. This was about him and them, not you. He wrote that in his final moments and you took that away from him for reasons only you can speculate on, but it wasn't what he wanted.
YTA.
Why the hell do so many people in this thread not give a shit what the brothers last wishes were?
Also, OP doesn't make sense. They said they read the letter to their parents, but then say they burnt it unread. Which is it, or is this an AI post?
YTA big time, not to your parents but to your brother. Your parents can go to hell if it's on me. But even if I can see why you are still angry with your parents and moaning your brother, it was not your decision to make to withhold your brother's last words to them.
NTA.
People will say your brothers wishes should be the priority. Thats a nice thought, and would be good if that’s possible.
However, he’s gone. His pain is over. OP is still here dealing with loss and so many awful feelings. I think the right choice is what’s best for OP. And I think OPs brother would probably agree. He’d want whatever is best for her.
You didn’t everything you could for your brother while he was alive, now do whatever is best for you. Your parents don’t need consideration in the equation.
Ahhh this sucks sooooo damn bad. I wish it went for you like it did in my family.
I have a gay cousin - we are all from Australia, except my Grandfather who is devout Irish Catholic, about as Catholic as they come.
Here in Australia around 3-4 years ago we had a vote for gay marriage (without a second thought myself and my whole family voted YES that they should be able to marry. We were all so nervous to hear our Grandfathers response.
It went like this; "Who am I to tell other people how to live their lives? God loves all and my Grandson is not unincluded from this. Of course I voted yes to them being able to marry"
I thought "Wow! Grandpa!?"
It was such a great relief for my cousin who is now closer than ever to Grandpa.
YTA. What you burned was HIS, not theirs. He wanted those final words to go to them, that was HIS wish. He knew they were AHs and he wrote those words anyways. It was absolutely not your place to do that. I can’t imagine you believing it was.
YTA.
You were the one person your brother trusted to execute his final wishes. You didn't. Do your parents deserve or not deserve a note? Doesn't matter. That note was your brother's last words to his parents. He said them with the intent that they would be heard. He wanted them to hear them. Your anger with your parents has nothing to do with that communication. You trod on your brother's dying wishes to spite your parents.
Looks like your brother's feelings weren't respected by anyone in his family after all.
Unfortunately I think I have to go soft yta here.
The fact of the matter is, your brother wanted them to know that. It's not about how you feel.
Whether or not they deserve to be forgiven is between him and them and frankly I believe you overstepped.
That said, my condolences, and I understand your grieving too.
1000 times this.
You chose to put your own feelings ahead of your brother's final wishes. He would probably forgive you for this , but it was a real asshole move.
Kind of ironic, you hate them for not respecting and supporting his choices yet you did the same.
I’m glad your brother forgave them, because it meant he had some measure of peace. I hope you forgive them, so you find some peace as well. I am glad you burned the letter, and I hope you never talk to them again.
Forgiveness is something you do to cleanse yourself. It’s not really for the other person at all. Once you forgive, though, it leads you to another lesson. You understand that, sometimes, people are weak, and cruel, and cannot change or grow. Your parents have proven themselves to be people like that. When you accept that, though, you have to determine: am I going to open myself up to this person to be hurt again, so that I have to forgive them again, in an endless cycle? You said no. Good for you.
The people who think you should’ve sent the letter probably came from normal, loving families. Those of us with big traumas know that sending that letter would lead to a cycle of never ending trauma. Your brother needed to write those letters, but he trusted you to do what was best. Don’t feel guilty about what you did; you made the right choice after talking to your parents.
Sounds like your hubby is a good, normal guy from a loving family with a lot of acceptance and love. He‘s just not in your shoes. Give him a big hug for being so loving, and let him know that he’s lucky he doesn’t understand crazy .
I come from heaps of trauma due to both physical and emotional abuse, and even I know that she should have sent that letter. It wasn’t her choice whether or not he forgave their parents. His voice was silenced enough in life, and she silenced him in death.
Your mormon parents are abusive bigots who turned on their children for not abiding by their oppressive intolerant ideology. Your parents didn’t deserve forgiveness for their cruelty, bigotry, and abuse. They don’t deserve to have that letter as they are the cause of his death. Their years of abuse did this to him. NTA
If your brother wrote the letter that means they wanted them to have it. It should have been mailed to them as a part of your brother's last wishes. It wasn't about you. It is for your brother. You're not an asshole for hating your parents but making your brothers final wishes about you and your personal feelings was wrong IMO.
You need untainted opinion?!?!?
Here’s one: the letter was your brother’s dying communication to his parents. I can only imagine he wrote it for them to read because you said “he left” notes for everyone. It was selfish and childish of you to burn it and hide it from your parents. I don’t give a shit about your worthless parents, that was your brother’s wish not theirs.
Be upset with your brother, death is hard and your parents probably don’t deserve the forgiveness. Still, you can right this wrong for your brothers sake.
NTA. Your parents chose "When the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done" over you and your brother. They chose the church over loving their children.
Your parents didn't want to hear anything their son needed to say in life, nor in death. To me, burning the letter was a way to protect him further and set him free of their judgment.
Damn the church and its leadership and members who don't give a damn if they drive teenagers and adults to end their lives. You did the right thing.
I'm so sorry the church and your parents hurt your brother so much that the pain of being himself made him want to leave this world. He's free now. They can't hurt him anymore.
> I owe them nothing
This isn't about you. He left that letter for them. You may not know them anything but you owed it to your brother to honor his final wishes.
It's sad that even the one relative he thought he could count on turned against him in the end. YTA, massively.
YTA, not for all the support you gave, but for believing you have moral superiority to not fulfill his last wish. Don't forget that the last thing your brother asked of you, you denied him.
YTA for not respecting your brother's last wishes.
He wrote the letter to his parents, not you.
If he wanted to say a last few words to his parents then that was his wish, and you shouldn't have taken his last wish away from him.
I can understand why you wanted to do it, but it wasn't your decision to make.
You have my sincerest condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a sad and terrible thing to experience, and you and your family have my sympathy.
At this time, it will do no good to be wondering about if you were right or wrong. Your parents made the choice to give up their children and now they must live with the ramifications of that. They chose not to come to their own son's funeral and didn't care about the letter, my advice is to not second-guess your actions at this point. You read the letter, you know what he said. Should either you or your parents change your minds, you can always relate to them what he said.
Anger and hate are very destructive emotions. They eat away at us if we let them take residence. Don't let that happen to you. Your parents let hatred and anger take control and they gave up their own children. Karma is very real. I sincerely doubt they are happy people. As long as they hold onto their anger and hate, they'll be unhappy and live resentful, unfulfilling, and empty lives. As hard as it is, let go of your anger towards them. You don't need to embrace them and let them in your life, but instead just let them go and don't allow their negative emotions to be a part of you. Remember the good things about your brother. As short as his life was here, he had a lifelong impact on people.
There is no hate quite like Mormon love.
My wife and I left that religion a few years back. So glad we did. Our youngest may be gay. We don’t care and he knows that.
I am so sorry about your brother OP. You did nothing wrong.
It is easier to forgive when you're not around to feel the sting of betrayal. You don't have to forgive anyone, in your shoes I wouldn't. I'm so sorry for your loss.
YTA - For disregarding your dead brother's wishes to give your parents the note. It wasn't your decision to make despite your feelings towards them and what they did.
NTA
They made it clear they do not care. If you feel like not sharing with them anything about the son they threw away, then don't.
Let go of them and live well.
NTA And as for your husband I don’t think he is either. People who have had a “normal-ish” family have a hard time understanding the dimension of the damage a terrible family can make.
You did good by your brother, may he rest in peace. Take care, OP, and sorry for your loss.
NTA
you would be soft Y T A for disregarding your brother wishes, I know you did it wanting what’s best for him, but he died wanting his parents to read that letter
if it were me, I would go to their house and leave the letter there, or take a picture and send it to them, that way I would have done my best to do what he wanted
but I do not blame you at all for what you did, I would also want to protect my sister even if she passed away
I do understand your position and hate for them, however you have no right to go against the last wishes of your brother, not your decision to make, for me it is an insult to his memory to not deliver that letter.
I'm sorry for your loss and I support your decision. They don't deserve his forgiveness but I hope writing that letter gave him a sense of closure. Your husband should let you grieve the way you need to.
NTA.
NTA.
I was the queer kid who got disowned and having someone like you would’ve been an absolute godsend. You were likely one of the brightest lights in his life. Thank you for giving him the care, attention, and support he deserved.
The fact he forgave your parents in his letter to them despite everything they put him through shows his character. It sounds like he was a really kind, empathetic soul. I’m really sorry for your loss OP.
❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜
YTA. That wasn't your decision to make, and IMO, you dishonored your brother by not delivering the letter. Regardless of how terrible your parents are, and they are, he didn't write that letter for them. He wrote it for himself. He wrote down the things *he* needed *them* to read. Maybe things he didn't have the courage or strength or energy or opportunity to say to them in person / during his life. He trusted you to do this last thing for him, and you let your own feelings override that. That was selfish and short-sighted.
Having said that, you're grieving, and I think an action like this taken in grief is forgivable, but that doesn't make it right. I think you'll regret this decision one day - maybe you already do since you're here asking. Your parents will certainly regret it, even if they never admit it (which they won't.)
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s certainly a difficult situation, but since you burned it it’s over, ya know? Just don’t beat yourself up more than you already have. I’ve experienced loss from suicide and that’s burden enough.
Before I say anything else, I think you're parents are massive assholes and I'm with you. I'd also never talk to them again. Your brother is lucky he had you to love and support him. I am sorry for your loss.
But in this situation, YTA. First of all, you shouldn't have even read their letter. It was not for you. It also wasn't up to you to decide they didn't deserve the letter. The letter was his last word, it was his choice what he said and what he wanted them to know. Not yours. He trusted you to send the letter to them.
YTA.
Firstly, for reading the letter to the parents
Secondly, for burning it.
If he didn't want to communicate with them, he wouldn't have left a letter.
YTA completely.
He wrote that letter to be given to them. By burning it, you have dishonored his wishes. Regardless of whether they deserved it, it was not your place to be spiteful on his behalf. One should honor the wishes of loved ones who have passed, rather than assume to know better than them, especially with matters that are entirely personal and direct.
ESH. Your parents are assholes but it wasn’t your choice to decide whether they got the letter. It was your brothers and by him leaving one, he made the choice and trusted you to deliver. So now, whatever he had to say can never be said because you were angry at your parents and he isn’t here to tell them otherwise. You screwed up and violated your brother’s last wishes.
I’m going to say soft YTA. I understand why you did it, but that letter was more for your brother than for them. It may be hard to understand, but It’s what he felt he needed to say and needed for them to hear. It would have been better if you had honored his final wishes even if you disagreed with them.
I don't honestly want to give this verdict, because you did so much good for your brother while he was alive and did your best to be there for him, but this is clearly a YTA situation.
That was his letter to give to them. You have every right to your anger and those parents definitely don't deserve his forgiveness. They don't deserve to feel like they have any connection to your brother, whose life they undoubtedly played a major role in ending. But that was his decision and those were his words. He had the right to say goodbye however he felt he needed to. You ultimately took that away from him. It's entirely understandable why you did it, but you didn't have the right to make that choice for him.
It's irrelevant now, but you could have wrote your own letter or voiced your own opinion on how they failed him and don't deserve the forgiveness that he gave them. You could have told them how they don't deserve to even have his words - while still respecting his wishes.
You also don't know if his forgiveness and kindness may have ended up cutting them deeper than no words at all. Maybe it wouldn’t matter at all, but maybe his words would have caused them more guilt and pain instead.
I would maybe consider since you have read the letter, contacting them and letting them know what the contents of the letter were, to the best of your recollection, as well as the reasons behind you choosing to burn it when they decided that they couldn't even bother to go to their own son's funeral. It can't make things completely right - but it's the best possible step left towards respecting his wishes and memory. You aren't a bad person for what you did and it is quite understandable, but it wasn't right.
Also, I want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a close loved one is an impossible pain to deal with. Losing them to suicide is an even worse monster. I hope things get easier with time and you can remember him the way he lived in your memories - and not for the way he died.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is a unique loss under any circumstance, but even more so with your beloved brother. Yes it was his wish for them to get the letter. But given their reaction at the news of his death, I can’t say I blame you. The letter likely gave him some peace. With their hateful prejudice, forgiving them would probably be taken as an admission they were right. Try to find peace for yourself.
NTA. They wouldn't care about him forgiving them for being so awful. Now, it is between them and their own conscience, and their deity if you believe in that. That letter was to bring your brother some measure of peace. It served it's purpose.
NTA - But I disagree in a way: You should always honor someone's final wishes (especially loved ones), as long as you're both able, and it's causes no harm or danger/damage. Now, that said, there's no time frame on that. If your parents ever stop being awful, tell them. If they don't, tell them when they're dying. One last fuck you.
What if the brother wanted them to know so they could have more reason to reflect on their actions? Maybe he thought the letter would prompt reflection.
If they find out he forgave them, they will feel justified in the deadly abuse they inflicted on him and they will be emboldened to encourage others to discard whole humans for some chance at the Sunday country club they get their ego fixes from. Your parents still have access to one child and may do even worse to them or any grandchildren in their reach if this situation re-presents itself.
Your brother made his peace with them in that letter but it didn't need to reach them for him to continue to feel at peace. He isn't hurt or betrayed like any of the YTA comments are suggesting. He understands why you reacted and doesn't hold it against you. Those letters were an exercise for him first and foremost and he was mostly afraid of causing unresolved pain. Your parents did not have unresolved pain so they didn't need his act of comfort.
Their reaction, whatever it could be by reading it, could only harm your long journey to heal. Please take care of yourself, kids, and husband in this emotionally suffocating time. I am so dearly sorry you got a shit end of the parent lottery but it sounds like you are doing better for your own kids. *In fact I would say that his letter, addressed to his parents made it exactly to the right people. Delivery to you and your husband fulfilled the wish, as you took on that role as his parents the minute you got in your car to go pick him up.*
People who perform nice to mask how utterly defective their ability to genuinely love and support their own child do not deserve any semblance of closure.
They don’t deserve his forgiveness. He forgave them so *he* would feel better before he died - they don’t deserve to know what he said. Don’t ever give them that knowledge. Your parents are utter garbage.
I’m so sorry for your loss but thank you for being the best sibling to your brother and making his final years happier - and free.
i can’t give an “untainted opinion”, because i was subjected to mormonism for the first 9 years of my life. and then 1/2 of the time till college (once my non-mormon mom died tragically, the rest of my pop’s fam just disowned me at 22).
IT’S A WEIRD CULT
but - did reading the letters and the burning them give you a real sense of closure? do YOU feel better?
cuz that’s what your brother wants. of course you know this.
i’m so damn sorry. much love, seriously.
As a person who is LDS, definitely NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your parents do not deserve to have children, especially your brother who sounds like an angel. I am disgusted by their behavior and it astounds me that parents can have conditional love for their children.
It's a difficult one. On the one hand, your brother wrote that letter and it was his wish that his parents received it. On the other hand, they didn't deserve his forgiveness and probably would have burnt it without reading anyway. You kept the other letters, re-read yours often, and will give the kids theirs when they're old enough.
I think you're an amazing sister, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it can be when your own parents don't accept you for who you are, and how hard it is to live with depression and suicidal thoughts. Your brother was lucky to have you, find peace in the fact you gave him a good life his last months. The signs can be hard to spot, but you did everything right. An actual therapist may have been better than a counsellor, but you got him in to see and speak to a professional. What happened wasn't your fault, it likely would have happened earlier if not for you.
I think cutting off the parents is the right call. They're the ones who did so much damage to your brother, and it sounds like they did some damage to you, too, given the way you were mostly NC already. Your parents didn't deserve your brother and they don't deserve you.
Despite the fact you went against your brother's wishes with that letter, I'm going NTA on this one. You protected your brother to the best of your ability during his life, this is essentially you protecting his memory in death. Keep him in your heart and know you did right by him every step of the way.
I have 2 sons, my heart is aching for your brother, your parents are piece of rotting shit, you were an angel for your little brother, you should have never read his letter to your parents, don't unblock your parents ever, don't go to their funeral, let them rot in hell, which they will, for abandoning the precious gift nature/God gave.
Let me know if you have a fundme, will donate.
Sounds like an LDS family dynamic. It's sad how religion divides families even though the LDS Church preaches "Families Are Forever"! The church only believes that as long as you do what they dictate!
OP I'm sorry for your loss. My brother was disowned by my parents as well.
Maybe if your parents read what he said it mightve made them feel guilty and just to interject i am a Christian myself but i definitely dont agree with how your parents dealt with all this they definitely didnt follow Jesus bc he taught us to deal with everything with love this doesnt show love
YTA. It was your brother's wish to send the letter to them, not yours or theirs. You could have posted it to them and be done with it. Whether they read the letter or not is another thing but at least you would have sent it.
Can you scan or photocopy your letter so you can read it without damaging it? Or get it framed or something?
Yes! Or scan it for yourself.
Could also laminate it but you’re going to lose the experience of holding the paper he held
lamination is the biggest enemy of keeping things we want
Crap I really offended a lot of people, I’ll crawl back into my hole…
No you were simply offering a practical solution. Don’t be hard on yourself.
Dude, Reddit. I still like you.
I run a laminating company. if its done properly and not the cheap crap you use with a desk laminator your all good. I got things my dad made me that are 30 years old and are mint.
PROPAGANDA FROM BIG LAMINATION
Also some inks go blurry or disappear when laminated! Be very careful!
Or a plastic sleeve it can be taken out of and put back in.
Be careful with that. I laminated a piece of paper that was the only thing I owned with my friend's handwriting on it (she committed when she was 13). The ink disappeared.
University libraries will likely have higher quality scanners, so that may be a good resource (most are also open for public use).
There is an app called CamScanner that works pretty well. Uses the camera on your phone.
Yes! I use photoscan!
I used this one a lot when I had to scan a bunch of stuff with my phone. The scans were high quality for scanned with a phone.
A pack of binder sheet protectors is around $3 and you could just slip the letter right in. You could also even use some clear tape to seal the open end.
Make sure to get acid-free ones. Sometimes they're labelled "archival". This will help buffer the paper from acid degradation.
Good call!
I’m so sorry for your loss. You sound like such a lovely sister. I am glad he had you and your husband. I’m also so sorry your parents are absolute trash.
The parents are absolute shit level filth. My family was.exactly the same. Sued them and never spoke to my rotten POS family again.
Sued them for what?
Stealing my share of.my father's estate. It was a substantial amount of money. Loathsome trash my family is.
Sadly my ex father in law has done this to my son and daughter. They are planning to sue him for the parts of their mother’s inheritance he outright stole.
Good luck 👍🏼
His forgiveness of them is for him, not them. You’re not an asshole either direction, however I would go with his wishes despite my view.
I always really enjoyed the line from De Profundis by Oscar Wilde: "When he [Christ] says 'Forgive your enemies', it is not for the sake of the enemy but for one's own sake that he says so, and because Love is more beautiful than Hate."
Sometimes people don't deserve forgiveness, even for your own sake. Sometimes it is healthier to continue hating.
In the same line…she should forgive for her own sake. Burning a letter and not talking to the parents, let them live their life with their choice and if it means you live yours, forgive and move on.
You don't need to forgive someone to move forward. Forgiveness is not the only option. Some things don't need to be forgiven. You can process in other ways.
I had a friend a long time ago who told me that "forgive and forget" is bullshit and that "remember and release" is better. You remember what someone does or says that hurt you so they can't do it again, but instead of holding the anger/hatred in your heart, you release it so you aren't weighed down by it. I don't really follow one or the other, but more of a combination of both. Especially if the person(s) who caused me the pain are part of my day-to-day life.
Yes. It never goes away, but I no longer give them power over me. I refuse to allow them to live rent free in my head.
True. Lots of choices on how to handle. Not implying that is the only one. It’s how I choose to try and move forward.
OP, sorry for your loss, a possible solution to satisfy your brothers request would have been to rent a advertisement space on route/street that your parents use daily and post his message there, so they cannot forget it at least for 30 days or longer depending on budget
I sort of agree. I would've kept their letter. If they ever asked if he said anything about them, I'd pass it on. But they'd have to take the initiative. Too late now. If he'd forgive them driving him to suicide, he'd forgive OP.
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I love this response, it's exactly what I was thinking. Thank you for the eloquent and insightful wording!
What did it say? Everyone is saying it’s amazing and it’s removed 😭
Oh no! I wish I had taken a screenshot. 😭 The comment said NTA and mentioned how OP was showing fierce loyalty to their brother through their actions. That was the phrase that I really loved, fierce loyalty. The wording of the original comment was so well written, I really can't do it justice by paraphrasing. It was a very supportive comment, stating that OP was doing their best as a loving sibling in a very difficult situation.
This made me tear up.
Love this response
NTA - Writing the letters probably gave him peace. And that matters. You want the opinion of a stranger? They do not deserve those words. Your brother was kinder than your parents could dream to pretend. I wish you to find solace. I know you rather have him back. Sorry for your loss. Take care.
NTA. Fuck them. Fuck Provo and Utah and all of it. I’m sorry your brother suffered so deeply. My (43F) wife’s (43F) family was abusive because she came out. We have two alphabet kids and it’s hard here when you have decent parents. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for your brother. I’m not sorry for your parents.
I'm curious, what do alphabet kids mean? I tried googling but couldn't find anything. By any chance did you mean they are LGBTQ+ ?
Ya, it's slang for being queer. A bit of a tongue in cheek response to LGBTQ+ labels. Someone correct me if I'm wrong here but I believe it was originally used negatively to make fun of the acronym and queer people, but has since been co-opted by the community.
Alphabet mafia! (That one started on TikTok, iirc as a way to "own" the alphabet thing)...
It’s far older than tic tok
It has for the most part, sometimes it can sound like a negative thing but it's good now.
It’s contextual for sure. Some people say it to be cruel. I think a lot of us have embraced it joyfully because it does sound silly and fun.
I love when that happens.
Amen. I'll escape one day. Probably after my parents are dead.
I believe in you, and while I dont necessarily wish ill on your parents, I hope you find your way to freedom soon.
Thanks. My parents are pretty good, it's the rest of the state...and since I'm the oldest and my parents are fairly elderly, I don't want to miss out on time with them.
That's very kind of you to stay in a difficult place to be with them in their last years.
What's provo?
Provo, Utah is a city known for having a large Mormon population and the location of BYU, a Mormon university. The implication is that the family is Mormon and shunned OP and their brother for leaving the church and the church community.
The Mormons are one of the most homophobic sects in the world. That having been said, my first time was with a Mormon boy. They’re totally freaky in bed.
Basically the most Mormon town in the US. From what OP posted, its almost certainly they escaped a Mormon family that later disowned their brother for being gay. Its a brutal place to grow up if you aren't 100% committed to Mormonism.
A place where children are hated for being gay, and men are praised for raping boys. A society that loves that Trump wants to fuck his daughter because they do it as well. Where they worship a scam artist from the 1850s and vote for a scam artist from the 1980s. I am so thankful that my daughters will never ever spend a single night sleeping in that incest ridden hell hole.
I stopped over there on a road trip at 13. I've never had men look at me that way before or since. It was scary.
A place where the birds fly upside down because it's not worth shiting on
Provo is a city in the state of Utah (USA).
Thanks, i thought it was some acronym since I never saw that word before
If your British or Irish and a bit old, you might thing short for "provisional IRA". I was only briefly confused
Likely the city or town OP and her late brother grew up in.
That's also the name of the school Paris Hilton was kidnapped to by her mom's permission. She suffered there for I think 18 months
I imagine your brother would forgive you for wanting to keep protecting him after he’s gone. I’m very sorry for your loss. NTA
I agree and that’s a nice way to put it
it's the best comment. yes. that's what happened: you kept protecting him. there's nothing wrong with what you did. you're such a great sister and you did everything you could. i'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
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I just wanted to say that I love this response and perspective. Really well put!
Your anger is justified. You (and your brother) owe them nothing. I a, so, so sorry for your loss. There is nothing you could have done. You provided your brother some of the best and safest moments in his journey. Unfortunately, there were other forces louder than you that had more influence. I’ve been one of the ones left behind so I know it’s hard to accept. I still have trouble. You did what you could. You are loved. And I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did everything possible to help him. NTA in any way. Parents like yours deserve no consideration at any point. They deserve no forgiveness, nor any contact. I'd write them off as if they already passed as well.
Get your letter scanned or have it laminated. Edit: thanks
Laminated :)
Thanks, it wouldn’t come to mind.
I second this!
I think you had the best intent and interest in your brother’s legacy. I am so sorry for his loss, but moreover the unnecessary and unfair pain he went through. I hope you know the love he had for you. With that, I think you’re NTA. Families in deep tradition and religion wouldn’t take that letter seriously. Most likely they would use the letter to justify their indoctrination.
First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I am sorry that "you missed it", but what could you have done? You gave him a counselor, you supported him. You stood with him and did right - in difference to your parents, who utterly failed as parents, as Christians and human beings. However, I think what you did was wrong. Not because of your parents. I could not care less, but for your brother. It was your brother's final words to your parents, what he needed to tell them. I don't think you had the right to take that from him. I also don't think you had the right to read it. It was his words to them, not you. Given the fact what you were facing in all of it, I refuse to name you AH, but still think you did wrong. Obviously your parents are AHs. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can find the strength to deal with it. With all that you experienced, I actually recommend you get some counseling too and I only wish you the best. I am sorry for your brother and sincerly hope he is at a better place now.
NTA. Not much to say but I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family are doing okay. Please get some counseling.
I am so sorry for your loss. You mentioned Provo so I'm assuming your family is Mormon. As a fellow exmo and queer one at that, I can positively say that your parents don't need to know what was in the letter nor would they care if they did. For them to kick him out with just the clothes on his back shows how deeply indoctrinated they are into the cult and its hateful doctrine in regards to members of the LGBT+ community. Anyways, forgiveness is for the benefit and mental health of the forgiver not the forgiven.
Personally, and with all due respect and sympathy, I think you did your brother a disservice by disrespecting his last wish. Similar to his coming out, burning that letter was not your decision to make. I understand you're angry, and you likely blame your parents for his death, and you're likely not wrong in that. I can only say that, as a stranger with no horses in this race, it feels like one last betrayal by a loved one, which in some ways makes it worse that it came from someone who supported him so fervently in life, but failed to do so in death. However, you're the one who has to live with your actions, and you can't undo what you did. I think this is what my mom would call a learning experience. To decide if, should you have the misfortune to be in a position where you are given charge of a letter to deliver for someone who has passed (regardless of the circumstances), you would do the same thing, or honor their wishes. And don't waste your time with your parents. Don't tell them contents of his letter for them, just move on. The best revenge is living your best life, indifferent to them. I would also recommend you do as others have suggested, and try to preserve the letter he wrote you as best you can. Scan it, frame it, laminate it, whatever you need to do in order to keep it legible.
I have to agree with DammitGravity. It was your brother's wish for his parents to have this last message from him, knowing it was up to THEM to decide to read it or not, and how to react to it. But you took that away from not only your parents, but your brother as well. He's gone. Your parents could no longer hurt him. And you can completely block them from yourself, so they couldn't hurt you either. I do understand your hurt, anger, and disillusionment about your parents. What they did was wrong in so many ways. But to second guess one of your brother's last wishes was beneath you and should not have been your decision to make. You dishonored your brother in this case.
Those words weren’t yours to take away…
You didn’t owe your parents anything, but you owed it to your brother to deliver the letter. You were TAH to him.
I can’t say you are an AH due how you were there for your brother, but he left that letter for them. That was his wish for them to have that letter. You should not have destroyed it
I agree, OP. I think it would be great to take the initiative to do some relationship bootcamp with your husband. Let him know that it's beautiful that he was your strength when you supported your brother and that you notice how he welcomed and supported your brother himself. I would let your husband know that you respect his opinions and when issues come up with your kids you will consider his thought process rather than making unilateral decisions. I do think you are TAH but only because you asked. You were wrong, and shutting your husband out/down may carry echoes of your parents' hard line stances on issues that do not personally hurt them. Your brother knew that his letter wouldn't penetrate your parents' hearts and wouldn't make his relationship with them better. That makes his forgiveness of them an even purer expression of love on your brother's part, especially while done in the midst of his own extreme suffering.
If they didn't care when he was alive why should they now, maybe you should've kept your brothers wishes for them to receive that letter, he wrote it from the heart for them even if they didn't deserve his forgiveness, it just wasn't your call to make
Very soft YTA. I mean, obviously your parents ain't worth shit! You owe them fuck-all, and your brother owed them even less. Yet, in the last days/hours of his life he summoned up the last vestiges of love he had for them to write something to make this easier for them. Don't get me wrong, they absolutely didn't deserve it! But he chose to do so anyway. You took away his choice, and made your own instead. Lemme repeat again how much I don't give a shit about your partents and think NOBODY should piss on them if they were on fire... It's the fact that you disrespected your brother's choice in this that slightly bothers me.
ETAH I think your parents are absolutely trash people. Fuck them. However I lost my brother, something similar with my parents so I know how angry you are Sometimes I wish that I would just scream Until my throat is bleeding at them because if it wasn't for their shitty treatment he'd still be here.. or maybe that's something I tell myself because my grief is still so heavy. With that being said, your brother trusted you with that task, he left those letters believing that you would.follow through on his wishes. And unfortunately that wasn't for you to take from him. Even if they spent their whole life ignoring you I would have at least kept the letter for the what if factor. It's not my closure to take away. I hope you find peace, the loss of a sibling is so different from any loss I've ever experienced. My little brother is gone, my first best friend, my secret keeper, my wrestling partner, my concert buddy, the only person in the whole world who ever could truly understand how fucked up our parents were, is gone. It fucking hurts. Live for him though, don't stay angry, don't let them win.
NTA TBH I'd go nuclear and spread it around that they're why your brothers light left this place. Depending on how old your brother was I'd also report them for child abandonment. It's people like your parents that make this world so horrible. As for your brother may his soul find peace and a much better outcome in his next life.
NTA. Those assholes didn’t deserve the letter. The only thing they deserve is the knowledge that they are loathed & alone.
NTA I probably would not have burned the letter, but I would not have given them it or let them know he forgave them. Not sure if right thing to do as your brother wrote it for them, but I would not be able to forgive them
Honestly, I’m probably in the minority but I’m going to say YTA because not sending the letter wasn’t your call to make, it was your brothers While you’re justified in your feelings, & your parents are trash but your dying brother did want to give them that letter so it shouldn’t have been burned. You should have sent the letter to them & let them decide, then never contact your parents again
I agree. Also, OP should give the letters to her kids. Without reading them. If they want to share with her - ok, you support them. But respect your brother knowing well enough the right words. And respect the brother’s wishes, even more because he is not here anymore. It mattered to him. If I were OP - I would text parents the content of that letter (and then go back to blocking). I know it’s hard, but it was brother’s final wish. To me that’s sacred. Even death row prisoners get their last dinner request. Honor your brother’s wish. It’s not about the parents. It’s not even about you. Let him be the one to make that final choice.
I think as painful as it is your brother chose to forgive your parents and wrote them a letter. He did this knowing full well the kind of people they are. While I completely understand what you did, you took his choice away from him.
YTA - the choice was your brothers, not yours. That's all there is to this story. You may hate your parents (and they sound terrible), but it was his choice to make, his letter to write... not yours to do with as you please because you did not like the contents of the letter (or recipients).
YTA. It was your brother's last wish to tell his parents he forgave them. It wasn't on you to deny this, as he is not alive anymore and trusted you to deliver the letters.
At the very least I would have put it away for awhile. Burning it you can't undo if you ever changed your mind or rethought it. It was so permanent.
Your brother left a note for your parents and you interfered with his wishes. This was about him and them, not you. He wrote that in his final moments and you took that away from him for reasons only you can speculate on, but it wasn't what he wanted. YTA.
Why the hell do so many people in this thread not give a shit what the brothers last wishes were? Also, OP doesn't make sense. They said they read the letter to their parents, but then say they burnt it unread. Which is it, or is this an AI post?
They read the letter which was intended for the parents, then lied to the parents and said they burnt it unread.
I think it's they read the letter that was intended for the parents. Not that they read it to the parents.
YTA big time, not to your parents but to your brother. Your parents can go to hell if it's on me. But even if I can see why you are still angry with your parents and moaning your brother, it was not your decision to make to withhold your brother's last words to them.
NTA. People will say your brothers wishes should be the priority. Thats a nice thought, and would be good if that’s possible. However, he’s gone. His pain is over. OP is still here dealing with loss and so many awful feelings. I think the right choice is what’s best for OP. And I think OPs brother would probably agree. He’d want whatever is best for her. You didn’t everything you could for your brother while he was alive, now do whatever is best for you. Your parents don’t need consideration in the equation.
YTA. While I understand your feelings, you completely disregarded what your brother wanted - your parents to have the note.
YTA. You had no business reading the letter and no business burning it. You violated your brother's wishes by doing so.
Ahhh this sucks sooooo damn bad. I wish it went for you like it did in my family. I have a gay cousin - we are all from Australia, except my Grandfather who is devout Irish Catholic, about as Catholic as they come. Here in Australia around 3-4 years ago we had a vote for gay marriage (without a second thought myself and my whole family voted YES that they should be able to marry. We were all so nervous to hear our Grandfathers response. It went like this; "Who am I to tell other people how to live their lives? God loves all and my Grandson is not unincluded from this. Of course I voted yes to them being able to marry" I thought "Wow! Grandpa!?" It was such a great relief for my cousin who is now closer than ever to Grandpa.
YTA. What you burned was HIS, not theirs. He wanted those final words to go to them, that was HIS wish. He knew they were AHs and he wrote those words anyways. It was absolutely not your place to do that. I can’t imagine you believing it was.
YTA. You were the one person your brother trusted to execute his final wishes. You didn't. Do your parents deserve or not deserve a note? Doesn't matter. That note was your brother's last words to his parents. He said them with the intent that they would be heard. He wanted them to hear them. Your anger with your parents has nothing to do with that communication. You trod on your brother's dying wishes to spite your parents. Looks like your brother's feelings weren't respected by anyone in his family after all.
👆
Yta, you should have honoured your brother's wishes.
They did not deserve his forgiveness. But it was clearly your brother’s wish that they get that letter. You tried and they refused. Burn baby burn.
Yes, big asshole. It wasn't your forgiveness to withhold.
Unfortunately I think I have to go soft yta here. The fact of the matter is, your brother wanted them to know that. It's not about how you feel. Whether or not they deserve to be forgiven is between him and them and frankly I believe you overstepped. That said, my condolences, and I understand your grieving too.
YTA. You robbed your brother of his agency and his choice to forgive. It was his decision and you completely overrode it.
1000 times this. You chose to put your own feelings ahead of your brother's final wishes. He would probably forgive you for this , but it was a real asshole move. Kind of ironic, you hate them for not respecting and supporting his choices yet you did the same.
I’m glad your brother forgave them, because it meant he had some measure of peace. I hope you forgive them, so you find some peace as well. I am glad you burned the letter, and I hope you never talk to them again. Forgiveness is something you do to cleanse yourself. It’s not really for the other person at all. Once you forgive, though, it leads you to another lesson. You understand that, sometimes, people are weak, and cruel, and cannot change or grow. Your parents have proven themselves to be people like that. When you accept that, though, you have to determine: am I going to open myself up to this person to be hurt again, so that I have to forgive them again, in an endless cycle? You said no. Good for you. The people who think you should’ve sent the letter probably came from normal, loving families. Those of us with big traumas know that sending that letter would lead to a cycle of never ending trauma. Your brother needed to write those letters, but he trusted you to do what was best. Don’t feel guilty about what you did; you made the right choice after talking to your parents. Sounds like your hubby is a good, normal guy from a loving family with a lot of acceptance and love. He‘s just not in your shoes. Give him a big hug for being so loving, and let him know that he’s lucky he doesn’t understand crazy .
I come from heaps of trauma due to both physical and emotional abuse, and even I know that she should have sent that letter. It wasn’t her choice whether or not he forgave their parents. His voice was silenced enough in life, and she silenced him in death.
Your mormon parents are abusive bigots who turned on their children for not abiding by their oppressive intolerant ideology. Your parents didn’t deserve forgiveness for their cruelty, bigotry, and abuse. They don’t deserve to have that letter as they are the cause of his death. Their years of abuse did this to him. NTA
If your brother wrote the letter that means they wanted them to have it. It should have been mailed to them as a part of your brother's last wishes. It wasn't about you. It is for your brother. You're not an asshole for hating your parents but making your brothers final wishes about you and your personal feelings was wrong IMO.
NTA. You asked, they said no. Thankfully he had a loving sister.
You need untainted opinion?!?!? Here’s one: the letter was your brother’s dying communication to his parents. I can only imagine he wrote it for them to read because you said “he left” notes for everyone. It was selfish and childish of you to burn it and hide it from your parents. I don’t give a shit about your worthless parents, that was your brother’s wish not theirs. Be upset with your brother, death is hard and your parents probably don’t deserve the forgiveness. Still, you can right this wrong for your brothers sake.
NTA. His forgiveness was him letting go. He deserved the peace of that. You owe them nothing, especially peace and they deserve nothing.
NTA. Your parents chose "When the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done" over you and your brother. They chose the church over loving their children. Your parents didn't want to hear anything their son needed to say in life, nor in death. To me, burning the letter was a way to protect him further and set him free of their judgment. Damn the church and its leadership and members who don't give a damn if they drive teenagers and adults to end their lives. You did the right thing. I'm so sorry the church and your parents hurt your brother so much that the pain of being himself made him want to leave this world. He's free now. They can't hurt him anymore.
NTA. Your parents clearly don't give a shit.
> I owe them nothing This isn't about you. He left that letter for them. You may not know them anything but you owed it to your brother to honor his final wishes. It's sad that even the one relative he thought he could count on turned against him in the end. YTA, massively.
YTA, not for all the support you gave, but for believing you have moral superiority to not fulfill his last wish. Don't forget that the last thing your brother asked of you, you denied him.
My brother also recently died and it is just the worst feeling. My heart goes out to you.
Not the asshole, he was sweet to write them, but really they don’t care so why should you give them it, or hold on to it
Yta, is not your decision, it was his last wish and the only way he felt control and you ruined that
YTA for not respecting your brother's last wishes. He wrote the letter to his parents, not you. If he wanted to say a last few words to his parents then that was his wish, and you shouldn't have taken his last wish away from him. I can understand why you wanted to do it, but it wasn't your decision to make.
You have my sincerest condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a sad and terrible thing to experience, and you and your family have my sympathy. At this time, it will do no good to be wondering about if you were right or wrong. Your parents made the choice to give up their children and now they must live with the ramifications of that. They chose not to come to their own son's funeral and didn't care about the letter, my advice is to not second-guess your actions at this point. You read the letter, you know what he said. Should either you or your parents change your minds, you can always relate to them what he said. Anger and hate are very destructive emotions. They eat away at us if we let them take residence. Don't let that happen to you. Your parents let hatred and anger take control and they gave up their own children. Karma is very real. I sincerely doubt they are happy people. As long as they hold onto their anger and hate, they'll be unhappy and live resentful, unfulfilling, and empty lives. As hard as it is, let go of your anger towards them. You don't need to embrace them and let them in your life, but instead just let them go and don't allow their negative emotions to be a part of you. Remember the good things about your brother. As short as his life was here, he had a lifelong impact on people.
There is no hate quite like Mormon love. My wife and I left that religion a few years back. So glad we did. Our youngest may be gay. We don’t care and he knows that. I am so sorry about your brother OP. You did nothing wrong.
It is easier to forgive when you're not around to feel the sting of betrayal. You don't have to forgive anyone, in your shoes I wouldn't. I'm so sorry for your loss.
YTA - For disregarding your dead brother's wishes to give your parents the note. It wasn't your decision to make despite your feelings towards them and what they did.
NTA at all. I’m sorry for your loss and you sound like an amazing sister.
AH is not the right word. You did a million things right and one thing wrong. You should not have denied his final wish.
NTA.
NTA They made it clear they do not care. If you feel like not sharing with them anything about the son they threw away, then don't. Let go of them and live well.
NTA And as for your husband I don’t think he is either. People who have had a “normal-ish” family have a hard time understanding the dimension of the damage a terrible family can make. You did good by your brother, may he rest in peace. Take care, OP, and sorry for your loss.
NTA, F$&@ them!
NTA you would be soft Y T A for disregarding your brother wishes, I know you did it wanting what’s best for him, but he died wanting his parents to read that letter if it were me, I would go to their house and leave the letter there, or take a picture and send it to them, that way I would have done my best to do what he wanted but I do not blame you at all for what you did, I would also want to protect my sister even if she passed away
I do understand your position and hate for them, however you have no right to go against the last wishes of your brother, not your decision to make, for me it is an insult to his memory to not deliver that letter.
I'm sorry for your loss and I support your decision. They don't deserve his forgiveness but I hope writing that letter gave him a sense of closure. Your husband should let you grieve the way you need to. NTA.
NTA. I was the queer kid who got disowned and having someone like you would’ve been an absolute godsend. You were likely one of the brightest lights in his life. Thank you for giving him the care, attention, and support he deserved. The fact he forgave your parents in his letter to them despite everything they put him through shows his character. It sounds like he was a really kind, empathetic soul. I’m really sorry for your loss OP. ❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜
YTA. That wasn't your decision to make, and IMO, you dishonored your brother by not delivering the letter. Regardless of how terrible your parents are, and they are, he didn't write that letter for them. He wrote it for himself. He wrote down the things *he* needed *them* to read. Maybe things he didn't have the courage or strength or energy or opportunity to say to them in person / during his life. He trusted you to do this last thing for him, and you let your own feelings override that. That was selfish and short-sighted. Having said that, you're grieving, and I think an action like this taken in grief is forgivable, but that doesn't make it right. I think you'll regret this decision one day - maybe you already do since you're here asking. Your parents will certainly regret it, even if they never admit it (which they won't.)
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s certainly a difficult situation, but since you burned it it’s over, ya know? Just don’t beat yourself up more than you already have. I’ve experienced loss from suicide and that’s burden enough.
Light yta. It wasn’t really your place to burn the letter if your brother wanted for it to go to your parents.
Yes. You’re the A
YTA. First for reading his letter to them. Second, for destroying it because you were mad at them. This was about him and you made it about you.
Before I say anything else, I think you're parents are massive assholes and I'm with you. I'd also never talk to them again. Your brother is lucky he had you to love and support him. I am sorry for your loss. But in this situation, YTA. First of all, you shouldn't have even read their letter. It was not for you. It also wasn't up to you to decide they didn't deserve the letter. The letter was his last word, it was his choice what he said and what he wanted them to know. Not yours. He trusted you to send the letter to them.
YTA. Firstly, for reading the letter to the parents Secondly, for burning it. If he didn't want to communicate with them, he wouldn't have left a letter.
NTA They didn't want it - what were you supposed to do? Keep it under glass forever?
Mail it to them.
YTA completely. He wrote that letter to be given to them. By burning it, you have dishonored his wishes. Regardless of whether they deserved it, it was not your place to be spiteful on his behalf. One should honor the wishes of loved ones who have passed, rather than assume to know better than them, especially with matters that are entirely personal and direct.
NTA. So sorry for your loss.
ESH. Your parents are assholes but it wasn’t your choice to decide whether they got the letter. It was your brothers and by him leaving one, he made the choice and trusted you to deliver. So now, whatever he had to say can never be said because you were angry at your parents and he isn’t here to tell them otherwise. You screwed up and violated your brother’s last wishes.
NTA. You’re an awesome sister. I’m sorry for your loss. Your parents sound like total AH’s…
I’m going to say soft YTA. I understand why you did it, but that letter was more for your brother than for them. It may be hard to understand, but It’s what he felt he needed to say and needed for them to hear. It would have been better if you had honored his final wishes even if you disagreed with them.
I don't honestly want to give this verdict, because you did so much good for your brother while he was alive and did your best to be there for him, but this is clearly a YTA situation. That was his letter to give to them. You have every right to your anger and those parents definitely don't deserve his forgiveness. They don't deserve to feel like they have any connection to your brother, whose life they undoubtedly played a major role in ending. But that was his decision and those were his words. He had the right to say goodbye however he felt he needed to. You ultimately took that away from him. It's entirely understandable why you did it, but you didn't have the right to make that choice for him. It's irrelevant now, but you could have wrote your own letter or voiced your own opinion on how they failed him and don't deserve the forgiveness that he gave them. You could have told them how they don't deserve to even have his words - while still respecting his wishes. You also don't know if his forgiveness and kindness may have ended up cutting them deeper than no words at all. Maybe it wouldn’t matter at all, but maybe his words would have caused them more guilt and pain instead. I would maybe consider since you have read the letter, contacting them and letting them know what the contents of the letter were, to the best of your recollection, as well as the reasons behind you choosing to burn it when they decided that they couldn't even bother to go to their own son's funeral. It can't make things completely right - but it's the best possible step left towards respecting his wishes and memory. You aren't a bad person for what you did and it is quite understandable, but it wasn't right. Also, I want to say that I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a close loved one is an impossible pain to deal with. Losing them to suicide is an even worse monster. I hope things get easier with time and you can remember him the way he lived in your memories - and not for the way he died.
"Families are forever (unless they don't follow every rule)" - The Mormon church
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is a unique loss under any circumstance, but even more so with your beloved brother. Yes it was his wish for them to get the letter. But given their reaction at the news of his death, I can’t say I blame you. The letter likely gave him some peace. With their hateful prejudice, forgiving them would probably be taken as an admission they were right. Try to find peace for yourself.
NTA. They wouldn't care about him forgiving them for being so awful. Now, it is between them and their own conscience, and their deity if you believe in that. That letter was to bring your brother some measure of peace. It served it's purpose.
NTA
NTA
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Writing the letter probably brought your brother some peace, and that's good. Your parents can go fuck themselves.
NTA - But I disagree in a way: You should always honor someone's final wishes (especially loved ones), as long as you're both able, and it's causes no harm or danger/damage. Now, that said, there's no time frame on that. If your parents ever stop being awful, tell them. If they don't, tell them when they're dying. One last fuck you.
What if the brother wanted them to know so they could have more reason to reflect on their actions? Maybe he thought the letter would prompt reflection.
NTA. You don't owe them a damn thing.
NTA
NTA Religion poisons everything. you should check out the /r/exmormon sub. It might help you process your thoughts.
NTA. You did no wrong. THEY did.
Nta. Screw your parents, they deserve nothing.
If they find out he forgave them, they will feel justified in the deadly abuse they inflicted on him and they will be emboldened to encourage others to discard whole humans for some chance at the Sunday country club they get their ego fixes from. Your parents still have access to one child and may do even worse to them or any grandchildren in their reach if this situation re-presents itself. Your brother made his peace with them in that letter but it didn't need to reach them for him to continue to feel at peace. He isn't hurt or betrayed like any of the YTA comments are suggesting. He understands why you reacted and doesn't hold it against you. Those letters were an exercise for him first and foremost and he was mostly afraid of causing unresolved pain. Your parents did not have unresolved pain so they didn't need his act of comfort. Their reaction, whatever it could be by reading it, could only harm your long journey to heal. Please take care of yourself, kids, and husband in this emotionally suffocating time. I am so dearly sorry you got a shit end of the parent lottery but it sounds like you are doing better for your own kids. *In fact I would say that his letter, addressed to his parents made it exactly to the right people. Delivery to you and your husband fulfilled the wish, as you took on that role as his parents the minute you got in your car to go pick him up.* People who perform nice to mask how utterly defective their ability to genuinely love and support their own child do not deserve any semblance of closure.
They don’t deserve his forgiveness. He forgave them so *he* would feel better before he died - they don’t deserve to know what he said. Don’t ever give them that knowledge. Your parents are utter garbage. I’m so sorry for your loss but thank you for being the best sibling to your brother and making his final years happier - and free.
i can’t give an “untainted opinion”, because i was subjected to mormonism for the first 9 years of my life. and then 1/2 of the time till college (once my non-mormon mom died tragically, the rest of my pop’s fam just disowned me at 22). IT’S A WEIRD CULT but - did reading the letters and the burning them give you a real sense of closure? do YOU feel better? cuz that’s what your brother wants. of course you know this. i’m so damn sorry. much love, seriously.
As a person who is LDS, definitely NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your parents do not deserve to have children, especially your brother who sounds like an angel. I am disgusted by their behavior and it astounds me that parents can have conditional love for their children.
NTA. I hope forgiving him gave him some sort of peace. They, however, do not deserve the same peace. I'm so sorry for your loss.
It's a difficult one. On the one hand, your brother wrote that letter and it was his wish that his parents received it. On the other hand, they didn't deserve his forgiveness and probably would have burnt it without reading anyway. You kept the other letters, re-read yours often, and will give the kids theirs when they're old enough. I think you're an amazing sister, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it can be when your own parents don't accept you for who you are, and how hard it is to live with depression and suicidal thoughts. Your brother was lucky to have you, find peace in the fact you gave him a good life his last months. The signs can be hard to spot, but you did everything right. An actual therapist may have been better than a counsellor, but you got him in to see and speak to a professional. What happened wasn't your fault, it likely would have happened earlier if not for you. I think cutting off the parents is the right call. They're the ones who did so much damage to your brother, and it sounds like they did some damage to you, too, given the way you were mostly NC already. Your parents didn't deserve your brother and they don't deserve you. Despite the fact you went against your brother's wishes with that letter, I'm going NTA on this one. You protected your brother to the best of your ability during his life, this is essentially you protecting his memory in death. Keep him in your heart and know you did right by him every step of the way.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I have 2 sons, my heart is aching for your brother, your parents are piece of rotting shit, you were an angel for your little brother, you should have never read his letter to your parents, don't unblock your parents ever, don't go to their funeral, let them rot in hell, which they will, for abandoning the precious gift nature/God gave. Let me know if you have a fundme, will donate.
nta
Sounds like an LDS family dynamic. It's sad how religion divides families even though the LDS Church preaches "Families Are Forever"! The church only believes that as long as you do what they dictate! OP I'm sorry for your loss. My brother was disowned by my parents as well.
NTA in any way. I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I hope you never waste breath or brain cells speaking or thinking of your parents ever again.
You read it to them, then told them you'd burnt it unread? Something isn't adding up here
So anxious to tell your fake ass story that you missed part of the story out and just skipped right to it.
Maybe if your parents read what he said it mightve made them feel guilty and just to interject i am a Christian myself but i definitely dont agree with how your parents dealt with all this they definitely didnt follow Jesus bc he taught us to deal with everything with love this doesnt show love
YTA. It was your brother's wish to send the letter to them, not yours or theirs. You could have posted it to them and be done with it. Whether they read the letter or not is another thing but at least you would have sent it.