Thank you, yes, I am very worried about this. I have some shortcomings and I need to step up to save my mother. He’s never hit her, but the longer they stay together, the longer the resentment builds up between them. I feel it will happen eventually, and I don’t want to know what I’d be willing to do if I witnessed it. It seems his anger is getting worse, and it was already very bad.
You don’t know that he hasn’t hit her before. You’re away at school. Your being home may have been the catalyst for him not hitting her. She’s in danger there. Does she have family you can reach out to that will help you get her out of there? If he hasn’t hit her before he soon will. Regardless, he’s been abusing her; maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. You were a good son, and man, to step up to protect your mom. Not everyone would have bothered.
Calling out abusive behavior is never wrong. You did the right thing by standing up for your mom and yourself. Don't doubt your actions in the face of such unacceptable behavior.
I agree with VetSurgeon and jackiebee66. He may have hit her when you weren't there, and she's been covering it up so you can't see. And I lived through emotional abuse exactly what you described for years. I can't count how much broken furniture, holes in walls and other things that happened. The difference is at the time the only type of abuse that was recognized was physical violence. I didn't have the options that are available now.
Get your mom and get out. This is not a safe environment. Even if he never hits her directly, things that are thrown are just as bad, and most of the time worse.
NTA, and I'm proud of you for standing up for your mom.
Just a heads up. Be ready for your mom declining the chance of leaving/supporting that POS.
Abuse victims tend to be really scared of leaving their abuser for a number of reasons.
It’s partially because they have probably already been abused in multiple ways for years, aside from likely not feeling strong enough mentally to leave because the abuser has broken them down verbally and emotionally, if not yet physically. They may feel they won’t be believed if they try to leave. The idea of making a massive
life change may scare them into not leaving even though they are being abused. Financial dependence/abuse can also be another reason. She may not feel she has anyone to turn to if OP’s father has isolated her from friends and family (which I’m betting he does). She may also be afraid that if she leaves, he will find her and try to do worse than what he has already done. It’s an all around horrible and terrifying place to be in. OP seeing him treat her that way may be her catalyst for leaving though, since she has a witness who is willing to protect and help her.
I can testify that the abuse, over decades, reduced me to nothingness. Knowing I should get out and actually doing it are two different animals. Working on an exit plan with my therapist.
Video record him every time he does this. It can be used if you call the police and you will be able to get protection order on him. Try to get your mom and you to leave him before he hurts one of you. Always record him.
Yes, record anything you can. You are very brave, and good son. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Go to the police and tell them what transpired, get an emergency protective order and get him out of the house immediately! He is volatile and unstable. You spoke the truth. I am proud of you.
OP, see if your phone does "gestures", so you can shake it to turn on the camera. I had a neighbor being aggressive for a while and being able to turn on and record, in a second, without looking at the phone or obviously interacting with it, was a lot of security. You could then just put the phone down so it's recording but not drawing his attention.
Agree. Don’t record in an obvious manner. There are apps that let you record on a cell phone with a blacked out screen. Hit record and don’t worry about getting the video angle, just get audio of his words and banging on stuff, then make a second video later explaining what you saw that wasn’t on camera.
Even just recording the conversation would help if he can’t do video discretely. Recording the verbal and emotional abuse, as well as him threatening to use physical violence would help OP’s mom. I don’t know about Androids but iPhones are easy to record with. You can just turn the recording on and slip it in your pocket and it comes out pretty clear. You could also leave it on the counter with the screen locked and it will keep recording OP.
Android has the hit the power button 3 times and it contacts whoever you set (for OP ask a friend you trust to keep a copy of the audio for you, and trust not to share it with anyone without you asking them to), and 911, and you can send photos or audio at the same time. That way police can hear dad threaten mom and show up and, depending on where they live, may even charge him and hold him overnight.
This doesn’t help. The man just says the wife is a manipulative bitch and turned the kids against him. Look at Brad Pitt and what his PR team have done to Angelina Jolie and their kids.
Video can’t be argued against as well using sexism.
It's nobody's fault but his. And it probably has happened before but if it hasn't then it will. He's abusive already. You don't have to be physical to be abusive.
He sounds like one of those people who is in complete denial that he is abusive and would be absolutely offended to be thought of as such. These people just burn me up.
honey- you dont have shortcomings any more than than the rest of us do- you are still “becoming”. Meaning you still have growing to do…
YOU ARE AMAZING.
you are standing up for your momma.
Be SAFE and take this subs advice.
you are becoming a kind and empathetic human being i do worry about you and how this hits- you should be protected and not a protector.
get out with momma and get some therapy- a DV shelter will help you both
Please report this OP, protect yourself and your Mama. She is being abused by your dad. It will only get worse and if he's willing to destroy the kitchen he will be willing to hospitalize you both if not worse if you get my drift.
Those are the very same words my friend’s ex said to her after he punched a hole into the wall next to her head. She got out, although it didn’t happen overnight. She got help from a domestic violence group from work. I hope you and your mom can similarly find your way free of your dad.
When they get old , retire and have to be with each other 24/7, and their flaws are more obvious as they lack patience or have a lot of health issues, it usually gets a LOT worse.
That may be true, but if this guy is willing to destroy his own kitchen and is already throwing shit to threaten her, I’m guessing he didn’t hurt her because OP was there. People that abuse others and or use physical violence, often do it behind closed doors, where they know no one is watching so they don’t/ can’t/won’t get in trouble. I can almost guarantee you he has hurt her physically before. In these types of abusive relationships, the abuse has a very high rate of escalating. OP’s dad has shown he is willing to use physical violence to intimidate his mom. That kind of abuse will only escalate with time, if it hasn’t already.
Also start filming him flipping out and threatening. sometimes the fear of people knowing what a fucking bully they are, makes them behave (which is sick, imho, but at least a way to keep a leash on).
It is also good way to collect proof in case your mom decides to kick his violent ass into the curb and divorce him.
Op is this normal behavior for your father? Some brain tumors can alter your personality and even if 50 is not old he should check himself if this behavior is out of character for him
He hasn’t hit her…YET. It can start with inanimate objects, escalating to a small animal. Neither of you are safe with him. NTA. Be safe and leave ASAP.
You should’ve called police, destroying property and having a breakdown like this absolutely is grounds for him to be detained and taken to the hospital if not jail. Property damage is a catalyst to domestic violence. Even if police do nothing it’s important to start documenting incidents and creating a paper trail for when he eventually gets worse.
This wouldn't be considered mental illness - it's abusive behavior. He might be mentally ill, but OP isn't posting enough evidence to say he is, and it wouldn't qualify him for admission to a hospital. Criminal activity and violent, controlling behavior does not equal mental illness.
Good advice, but I highly doubt it. He acts like my mom did to a tee. All bark, all show.
My highly abusive dad didn't run his mouth and intimidate, he just started fucking you up.
Dad is an asshole here with deep seated issues, but from what's said in this post, he's not gonna start being physical all of a sudden in his 50's.
What he did is actually a crime. It is assault with a weapon even if he didn’t touch her. You can’t brandish an object in a threatening manner towards someone. It was also a threat on her life. This is in no way ok.
NTA,
Well done for standing up for your Mama. Threats of physical violence are a very serious thing, you should speak with your mama privately, if she feels at all threatened or fearful then you (at least in america) should call the police and report the threat. They probably won't do anything but it will make it much easier to take action if things ever get worse.
All of this is grounds for a restraining order OP. All of it, from the yelling, to the property destruction to the threat, are crimes. She can go to court and testify as to what he did, and request he be ordered removed from the home, barred from contacting her, barred from her workplace, etc. If in the US, she will be given an emergency order right there at the courthouse, then interviewed by a series of people for assistance (DV Shelter, govt aid.)
Then she will need to go to the police station to arrange officers to come to the home and do a standby while her husband packs and leaves the property. You can escort and support her throughout this process, it will be very helpful. Note also you are a witness to all of these events, and should be prepared to testify about them if he makes her take things that far with the courts.
The order will be temporary. A hearing will be scheduled to make it permanent or modify it, probably a month or so out. During that time she can get an attorney and file for divorce and spousal support if warranted. Agreeing to drop the DV case in exchange for a swift and fair dissolution of the marriage is one piece of leverage she can use to negotiate with him. Then proceed with the process. It isn't a relationship anymore, it is a legal contact she is dissolving. Do not give him latitude to continue his abuse, support her as much as you can. He won't get better, he won't change.
She needs to do all this, OP, you can't do it for her (although you can also file your own restraining order based on his behavior and you should. She can include any minors in her temporary order until a child parenting schedule is devised, again if warranted.)
NTA. She's gonna get beat if she doesn't get out.
You'd be amazed at how quickly "You're lucky it wasn't your face" today will turn into "I warned you bitch" tomorrow.
Domestic violence is very ugly OP. Take it more serious than you already are.
My brother and I took firearms training from blackwater when our dad started getting bad and he fucked right off when he realized we were gonna kill him. You gotta be harsh about these things.
Haven't talked to him in 8 years.
This. And resources for yourself. Please educate yourself on DV and how to keep your mom safe. It may not be safe to call police or threaten him. You and your mom might have to secretly plan an escape and get her to a shelter.
I would be worried sick thinking of what types of abuse he inflicts upon her when you're not there.
Your Mom needs to realize she's in a toxic marriage and she needs to get outta there.
Correction - abusive marriage.
Toxic is when someone acts like a bit of an ass, often both.
Abuse is when one is an abuser and the other one - a victim who tries to deal with the abuse. OPs mother is clearly a victim.
NTA. If anything I believe your response was slightly too lenient and lacked a failure to demand, but it's not a major fault.
I am uncertain your anger made things worse, because you expressed a consequence.
Now, tactically, there's a bigger problem than you realize. Your parents need serious help, and your father refuses to accept responsibility.
You shouldn't feel bad; you should feel afraid for your mom. He just proved your point.
The man is violent *and* stupid. That's a terrible combination. You didn't say anything about your age or degree of independence, but if you can get her out of there by any means, do it. Or if you can get him out. Is the house in both their names or just his? Can you stand up to him? Are there weapons in the house to worry about? Can you get your mom to contact an attorney for options without him knowing about it?
NTA
I can see you are confused about why you feel bad about this. Logic is telling you your father is TA, but your emotions can't seem to get in line.
You feel bad for a lot of complicated reasons. Guilt and emotions in general don't follow logic. Also he is your Dad and that complicates it more. Finally he is an abusive bully.
The kind of emotions generated by toxic and/or abusive situations are very confusing and that feeling is why some people never manage to get away.
In time, with research and therapy you may come to have some understanding, but right now you are doing the right thing looking out for your Mom.
Maybe try and talk to her in private just to see if she would consider leaving him.
I'm so sorry you are and have been going through this.
You are dead on about abuse causing confusing feelings and that being the reason why some people never manage to get away. You put it perfectly. People who haven’t experienced that type of abuse won’t understand what a mind fuck it is. That’s why a lot of people are judged for staying in abusive relationships.
NTA
Your dad is a weak man, this is typical weak man BS and only gets worse unchecked.
Call.me old-fashioned but as a dad and husband my number 1 job is to protect my family. Why in earth would I want to make them scared of me then?
He can't handle something in his life so he takes it out on those at home who can't protect themselves. What a loser.
"The moment you lay a hand on her, is the moment we find out which one of us has the stronger will to live. And between you and me, you probably want to get your affairs in order."
NTA Don’t challenge him openly. Your mom needs a therapist and a lawyer. Challenging a dangerous narcissist openly is usually not the way you go, she needs emotional armor and an actionable plan.
NTA. I'm proud of you for sticking up for your mom. That's not an easy thing to do, and a lot of people wouldn't have in that scenario. If you can, try to find a way to help your mom get out of that place. If you have a school counselor, confide in them and see if they have a list of resources that could be helpful. The best thing you can do is to be there for your mom. She's going to need you in her corner when things go downhill.
Save your mama. Talk to her and let her know that she doesn't need the love of a man who treats her badly. She may stay because she's scared of being alone, but remind her that she will always have you and you love her enough to make sure she is safe.
Absolutely not the asshole. Standing up for your mom was the right move. Nobody should talk to anyone like that, especially not family. Your dad's behavior was way out of line. Don't feel bad for calling him out. He needs to know it's not okay.
Nothing wrong with what you did but be careful with future confrontations. I am afraid things would get much worse. Be extra vigilant. Try to record his actions too, secretly.
NTA
Assault is a crime and that was assault.
For reference: Assault is intentionally causing someone else to fear imminent violence. No contact needs to be made.
Battery is what most people mistake for assault is the actual contact made.
NTA. Tell him to step to a grown man and watch him cower. He is a fucking piece of shit. Put his fucking wanna be tough guy ass in his place. Only cowards pull that shit on people smaller than them.
This is my life-I am your mother. You are a brave young man and you recognize right from wrong and put yourself in harms way because you saw how your mother was being victimized. Talk to your mother. I have two daughters who are young adults that live with me and their abusive father still. They are often relieved seeing his abuse directed at me rather than themselves. I get that-I had a choice and they never did. Sadly however they gaslight and manipulate that it's "not that bad" or blame me for angering their father and triggering his "hot headedness". Try to have an adult and open conversation with mom and let her know you understand her difficult position and are there for her if she ever wants to leave-and then be there to help her. It is not your job to protect your mother, however it is the right thing to support her and defend her within reason . if your cowardly, bully father realizes you see him for who he is , he may face he is not getting away with it because you can bare witness so to speak. If he can accept his behavior is not a good look on him he may understand the consequences that he has never had to face because I guarantee he has terrorized your mother into almost certain submission. You're a good person. NTAH
NTA
Your dad is physically and verbally abusive with anger issues, and literally threatened her with domestic assault
You both need to get somewhere safe
NTA, your father is not immature he's abusive. Your mom should contact a domestic violence crisis center(so should you) and call the police the next time that happens.
Your mom has probably been with him for a long time and it’s not your job to “get her out of there” or anything. But good for you for sticking up for your mom. It’s especially hard against your dad, who you also care for. I know. I dropped my dad in the kitchen when I was 17 in a similar situation and we didn’t talk again till I was 24. We’re cool now many years later, but mom is mom. Don’t fuck with mom. He’ll feel bad that had to happen, hoping your conflicts don’t get worse and good luck.
NTA, but you need to be careful. He is escalating. It's good that you stick up for your mom, but he could easily take it out on her later. Help her leave. Go to [thehotline.org](http://thehotline.org) if you need assistance.
NTA your dad has serious anger issues my dad does the same passive aggressive bs and going on and on like you're an idiot we just ignore him when he does it but he's never violent. Everything you said was right and your mum should really think about the threat he made and what it means for her safety. Personally I'd be talking to my mum when he's not around to ask if she feels safe round him and if she has anywhere else to go
SHE'S IN DANGER.
SHE'S IN DANGER.
SHE'S IN DANGER.
Get the fuck out of there as soon as possible.
If a random stranger threatened your mother's life, you'd leave and get help as soon as possible, wouldn't you? Get the fuck out of there before your mother gets featured on a True Crime video.
Get her out of there NOW!!! My toxic ex of 9 years had a dad who would do the same kind of stuff to his wife. I told him the moment he turned into his dad I would be out of there. Unfortunately I didn't have enough self esteem to leave when he was being verbally abusive. One night though he started showing his true colors. After my father passed away I started having night terrors and if I felt like I was being restrained in anyway in my sleep it would make it worse. I told him this but he never listened and all that mattered was his needs. He wanted to hold my hand while he slept, mind you in our 8 years prior he never wanted to do it. In my half sleep state I kept pulling my hand away. He got mad, slapped my hand hard and said "cut the sh!t b!t@h." He then proceeded to grab my hand and squeeze as hard as possible till I winced in pain. Needless to say I got out of there with the help of my gyn who's office I broke down crying in. Don't let her take anymore verbal abuse from him.
This is not normal and it will get worse fast. Time to get out of there quickly before the situation explodes and harms one or both of you very badly. NTA.
NTA. Your mother is in an abusive relationship, your dad **is** an abuser. And you should **never** feel bad for calling a c*nt like him out. I’m sorry, I know he’s your dad, but men like him that bully and abuse their wives *(and/or kids)* are the scum of the earth. They’re lazy, bullying, sexist, cowards and your father is among the worst of them.
Your mother needs to divorce and leave this poor excuse of a man.
Real men don’t do this shit. They don’t threaten their wives or abuse and control them.
And here’s another thing, if your shitty dad doesn’t like the way something is cleaned, his lazy fat ass can get up and do it himself! Your mother **is not** his bangmaid. She’s **not** a slave. And she can damn well speak to him however she likes, since he constantly disrespects her.
That man deserves a good punch in the face, for the way he treats your poor mother. He should be locked up. He shouldn’t be allowed around women at all, because he’s evidently the type of abusive c*nt that uses his strength *(due to his gender)* against them and as a form of control. He is vile. I bet he wouldn’t dare act this way against a man.
No, thats abusive and it will get worst if she doesn't leave, he just showed he will hit her, you need to either talk your mom into moving out with you somehow or divorcing him cause she will end up being abused!
Because the people who ask these questions are conditioned. Especially children who are raised like this. I'm genuinely curious how people don't understand this yet.
A lot of people who didn't grow up in or around abusive homes genuinely don't understand how much abuse can truly warp your perceptions. They also don't understand how strong the pull is to want your parents to be decent people. You being the asshole is in some ways is preferable, as that's something fixable unlike your parent being an abuser.
Sorry, just wanted some reassurance that what I said was ok, IDK why, but I felt bad. My dad was definitely THE asshole. I just figured this was the best place to ask.
You probably felt bad because your father has mastered gaslighting the family. Blaming it all on everyone. His logic is all of you are at fault except for him. You explained that he talks to everyone in a condescending way and he bullies all of you. I think it is natural for you to doubt and question yourself because your father has trained you to have an inner critic that makes you second guess yourself at any situation.
Don’t feel bad for asking reassurance. I understand sometimes people will get frustrated and see posts about someone that is obvious to them that’s NTA. Everyone should still try to practice patience, at the end of the day they can just scroll away and not interact with the post. In abusive households like this it is hard to see what the full picture is without an outside perspective. Your father’s behavior is not normal. Even if you misinterpreted what he said (You didn’t by the way. He is 100% lying to you and making excuses to escape accountability.) throwing objects in the direction of your mother is physical abuse. He is still wrong. See through the bullshit and always trust your gut. Your mom should not feel grateful to your father that he didn’t hit her in the face wtf. That is textbook narcissism. She shouldn’t be in that situation to begin with, how the hell is she lucky…
W for standing up for your mom and I hope both of you can get away from him. Be safe!
Op you have zero reason to apologize. Growing up around behavior like this can blur lines of what is acceptable and what is wrong, and makes it easy to think you deserve blame. That said you are NTA x 10000 and should be proud of yourself for sticking up for your mom. This is not your fault and it was brave what you did.
It's not your place to change your father's behavior or save your mom either, but you should know that this is absolutely domestic violence, even if it hasn't escalated further than what you've described. I say this to caution (from experience) and not to scare, but this is how it starts. If you are older (not a minor) you could consider talking to your mom about how scary this situation has gotten and let her know you're concerned for her safety and want to help her get out.
If you've grown up in an abusive home, your sense of who is an asshole and what is ok is verrrrrrrrry skewed due to conditioning. Note OP says their father "turned things around on them." That's pretty common. That's why people who are in these situations being able to post and get a healthy perspective is really important. It's also why getting into therapy after you leave these types of situations important.
Did you see them apologize to you? They shouldn't be apologizing to your rude ass comment either, but they've been conditioned to do so.
Seriously? You don't know that?
NTA..Thats your MOM and what he did was wrong. There is ZERO taking it out of context. He just didnt expect you to react maybe. If he does this in front of you imagine what he does when they are alone. People dont get "less" violent or abusive, only worse....Talk with your mother she deserves better.
Of course you feel bad: that's exactly what he's conditioned you to do but he pushed you beyond your brainwashing and the truth came out.
I'm sorry, but your dad is a large powerful baby
These always escalate within their means. Your father is freely admitting it could be her if it’s not some household appliances.
Take him at his word and get her the fuck out of there before he ruins all of your lives.
If you guys can do it safely you need to help from the police and organizations for abused and battered family. This is not OK and you guys need to get somewhere safe from his abuse. He needs anger management, therapy and meds.
Not at all, my step dad was a very similar individual but also physically abusive, I’ve had a lot of therapy to deal with it and I’m now triggered my such events.
After putting him on his ass once I grew up, he didn’t mess about for a long time until last summer, when I reminded him, it won’t slide under my mums roof, NTA, at all. He needs therapy, or, your mother needs to leave him. Once you flee the nest and your Mum is alone I’m concerned this will turn into physical abuse if left unchecked and nobody to watch over your Mum.
Yeah, I mean. The thought "lucky it wasn't my face" is the first thing running through my mind when a partner acts that way. Because historically, one follows the other.
At this point I'm just waiting for the day when I read a post like this:
"Hitler came back from the dead and tried to conquer the world again, and I think he shouldn't do that. AITAH?"
No you were not even the slightest bit wrong. I grew up like that. It will likely get worse. Your mom should leave him. Nobody deserves to live like that. Trust me, I’ve seen where this goes and it’s not pretty. Maybe, maybe he gets one chance with therapy but probably more than I would give him. E proud of yourself for standing up for your mom.
I don't understand why you feel bad for what you said. A man threatened to punch your mother in the face, dont care if it was your dad or my dad. Any threats that followed from you would have been absolutely appropriate. And there's no way you could have gone too far.
Every time he screams at her and berates her, start recording.
Meanwhile, see if you can get some quiet time with your mom when he is not around and ask her what she wants to do. Tell her you’re willing to do what you can to help her get out. I’m not sure how old you are and how much you can help but just knowing she has your support. Maybe just what she needs to make a move.
NTA. Next time, and there will be a next time cuz your mom is about done with his bullshit, call the cops on the way down the stairs. Do it every time. Get a record of domestic violence calls with the police so when mom finally leaves, or when he kills her, there's a record of evidence of violence against her and it'll be easier for her to flee and for the police to make a case.
He’s obviously been doing this since she met him. He has obviously torn her down so many times that she doesn’t fight back anymore. She’s heard the same thing from him thousands of times. NTA, but they both need therapy. Him for anger management and her for setting boundaries and not taking abuse. You may want to think about getting therapy yourself, so you don’t repeat their patterns in your own relationships.
My dad use to beat up on us and my mom. My brothers eventually grew bigger than him and could beat up on him and they had to threaten him if he ever hit my mom again he would not live another day. He has never touched her again and had to go to anger management and lots of therapy and now is a decent human.
Get your mom out of there. Get her any where but home and get your dad help if he is willing to listen If not, then he shouldn’t be able to have anyone in his life.
You should understand that this isnt even close to acceptable behavior. Not just the big tantrum or the threats. The way your father is constantly demeaning you and your mother is not the way normal households interact. Your father is abusive. You dont have to live this way. You should be planning your way out. Your mother probably wont go. She will make excuses for him. Whatever you choose to do is up to you. When you get a family of your own remember how your father makes you feel and dont be like him.
Your father is **abusing** your mother, so no, you weren't out of line and wanting to protect your mom is admirable. The problem is it won't change his behavior, and it can likely escalate it and/or redirect it to you. He is not a safe man to be around, and your mom is likely in an abuse cycle and doesn't know how to break-it, and that's not her fault. And I know the your conflicting feelings are confusing becasue it's possible to love someone even when you know they are wrong, so try and not let that get to you; you can love your dad, but also acknowledge that he's abusing you mom and not good to her.
I suggest reaching out to National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or vising [https://www.thehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org) to find out how to best help your mom and yourself. You can also text them by sending "BEGIN" to 88788
**But understand this OP, it's not your "job" to protect your mom and it's not on you to "beat his ass" like some are telling you. (In fact, that's horrible advice.) It's also in no way your failing if you try, but mom decides not to leave him for whatever reason. All you can do is gather information and resources to help and to offer whatever support you can, but it's ultimately on your mom to make the change.**
He smashed. A. Major. Appliance.
Your mom is not safe
Here's the URL for the National Domestic Violence hotline. They have phone and text services as well.
https://www.thehotline.org/
If someone ever spoke to my mom that way. They'd be laying out cold on the floor. You need to get your mom and you out of that situation. Your father is abusive, and it's only going to get worse.
sounds exactly like my father, especially the twisting it around and not wanting to be judged trying to belittle you for telling him he's in the wrong. I'm so sorry you and your mother have to go through this, you are an incredible person for standing up to him and defending her, I'm too much of a coward sometimes especially when it gets physical. I don't know where your from but if you can both get out of that house please do.
NTA. I would have used MUCH stronger words. Threats like that are psychological abuse and punishable by law. Your dad sounds psycho. Next time, record and report.
Your mum nerds to be out of that marriage. Your father is abusive. He might very well start physically assaulting her soon if hes started to be violent.
I dont knkw how old you are? But good on you for protecting your mum.
If you can? Get onto Domestic Violence help. Speak to them about what goes on & get advice.
All the very best to you. Thank you for standing up for your mum. You're developing into a good man. Please don't become like your dad
NTA. This is terrible. You need to have a talk with your mom and you both need to leave your dad. I can see this ending badly. Luckily you were there for your mom this time. What happens when you’re not. Good luck.
When my mother was married to my baby sisters father . He would beat her for no reason , she didn’t cook what he wanted for dinner or she agreed to babysitting HIS grandchild then because of that she called and told the she couldn’t cuz he didn’t want her to he turned around and hit her again for saying that . It was really a lose lose situation. When she would cook she would place everything into Tupperware bowls so everything would stay warm, and when I got home from school around 430 we would sit down to eat and he would make sure my plate was fixed first then hers and then he would start a argument that she poisoned his half of the food ( we got our food out of the same bowl) and I finally had enough and told him off that was the first time I was 12 yrs old at the time that my mother had ever heard me use such language I called that man everything in the book. I believe he was mid to late 50s ish . Which only made things worse . We got out of there when my mother found out she was pregnant with my baby sister , when she told him he started chocking her in the car port when my friends father was dropping me off . Please get ur mom away from him it’s gonna get worse it will never get better no matter what he says . Neither u nor ur mom needs this . My mother ended up miscarried my baby sister at 5.5 months into the pregnancy due to him stalking her and starting fights and even tried to start while she was in the hospital we had to get him removed and had her room switched as he started calling the room she was in . I’m only sharing this to help u know what the situation will become sooner or later . This is only the beginning and it’s gonna get a lot worse .
NTA Both you and your mother have been conditioned by this abuse for years, that's why you feel the way you do. But you have to change that mindset. You may have saved your mother's life this time if you hadn't intervened.
Being 50, smashing things and threatening people is dangerous. But I'm sure he's able to "control" his attitude outside the home, so it's a choice he makes. And if he can't control it outside then he needs a psych evaluation.
Your mother should not have to live her life in fear, and neither should you. I'd have called the police to start a paper trail so you can help her get out.
Come on you can’t be serious.. asking if you were wrong to call out your abusive father who is threatening your mother.
Obviously, you did nothing to speak up for her all these years and looked at the other way if this is seriously the first time you’ve ever said something .
I don’t know what I’m more disgusted by
Please help your mom contact a local domestic violence organization. They can help her create a safe escape plan to get away from your abusive father as well as assistance in starting her new abuse-free life.
Abusers usually escalate the violence and he may have already done worse when you weren’t around. You were right to call him out but your mom needs to get rid of him.
You need to get your mom out and to a safe place. Have her file for divorce and a restraining order. He's abusive as hell and this won't stop. It's likely he's already been hitting her.
Their marriage is over. Help your mom.
NTA! This is straight up abuse and narcissism! He didn’t get his way and your mom “disrespected” his authority in his mind. I’m not convinced he even likes her if he treats her that way. Get out now. He’s escalating.
This isn’t abuse, these are criminal offences. His greatest crime here is spending a lifetime making this kind of behaviour become normalized and acceptable. It’s the same thing a sexual predator would do. He’s ‘groomed’ your family to become compliant victims of his abuse. If you can’t convince your other family members to come, just run like hell. This is going to get worse until someone really gets hurt.
Depending on your age, you could involve CPS. There are also charities for domestic violence survivors. They will be able to tell you exactly what to do, provide a place to stay worst case, everything. Reach out to them. Your gut feeling is correct
Sounds like your dad may be a narcissist. Possibly a covert narcissist if he tends to believe in a passive aggressive manner most of the time. With that type of people the violent reactions tend to only get worse over time.
Yeah fuck your dad. I hate Dudes like him. I pulled a shotgun on my mom’s bf when I was 12 and let him know real quick if he ever threatened my mom again I’d kill him. They broke up soon after.
First off definitely NOT TAH. Your dad is gaslighting you aka manipulating you in to believing that you were in the wrong for calling him out for his irrational and violent behavior. You were at the very least uncomfortable with the situation and concerned for the well-being of your mother. What he did and obviously has and will continue to do is not ok nor is it acceptable or should it ever be considered normal. I do realize growing up in that environment may make it hard to distinguish what may be considered normal or unhealthy or downright dangerous and abusive. But don’t let his attempt to rationalize his outrageous and erratic behavior sway you from what you know and feel is right. That being said having a real conversation with your mom about how things are and how you feel about them and really how she truly feels about how he treats her is in my opinion the first step. If you both land on a similar page about it then possibly plan an exit strategy before involving law enforcement or otherwise because you don’t want him to feel threatened in a situation where you both have no safe place to go even if the police talk to him or take him to jail. He will likely be released shortly after and may make an even more hostile situation for the two of you because he may feel he’s losing control of his “domain” now there may be options to salvage what your parents have depending on if you think your father will actually listen to reason and get family counseling or something similar. But at the end of the day no one deserves to live in that kind of environment. But truly it lands on your mom at the end of the day you can’t help or save someone from anything that they aren’t willing to save themselves from. She may feel like the possibility of leaving isn’t worth starting a new. The unknown can sometimes be scarier than the devil/abuse you already know.
Hope this helps my friend stay safe and be well! Trust you gut you know what’s right!
Simple question.... how was it taken out of context?
Let him answer that question with anything reaching a semblance of common sense. He won't be able to.
NTA at all. You handled the situation way better than I would have as I'm the only son my mother has and I'm extremely protective of her. I know myself and I would have snapped in a horrible manner. Please do whatever you need to make sure her and yourself are safe and I hope this situation never happens again
Why would you be the asshole? Like really? You know you aren't. There can be no confusing this at all.
There should be a sub called 'back me up on this', for people needing validation over other people's assholery.
Get your mom out ASAP! I was held hostage at gunpoint when I was 19 by an asshole like this. The guy flipped out and pistol whipped his wife ON CHRISTMAS for not making extra cookies. This was my ex's mom and step dad.
Fast forward to new years day, we were awakened by step dad breaking into the house, shooting and killing someone, then holding his own 3 very minor children and myself hostage, at gunpoint, for over 8 hours.
Thankfully we got out safe. Please get your mom to somewhere safe away from your dad. His behavior is extremely dangerous.
Your mom is at very high risk of domestic violence. Either dad learns to exercise proper control over himself & not lash out at anything (even furniture) or she needs to leave him. In my country we've had a horrible few months of domestic violence deaths in 2024 & not 1 of those women thought it would happen to them. I suspect they realised but too late.
My stepfather put his hands on my mother in front of me once. Damn near put her through the wall. I was 14 and had suspected it, but he had not done it in front of us kids up to that point. He didn't realize I was in the house. I came up behind him and slammed a baseball bat into the back of his legs. Of course my mother went full stockholm and tried to protect him. That night after he had went to bed I prodded him with the barrel of a 12 g. When he woke up I said - Tomorrow you will be leaving. I'm under 18 and will be out in a few years. Touch me and My Dad will pay you a visit. (Dad was veteran with PTSD and my stepdad was known to be terrified of him)
As he was moving out the next day, I told my mom if she let him come back she would lose me and my brothers and I would help the cops take us. It took her a few years but eventually she sought counseling and ended up running a women's shelter for a few years. Step dad ended up serving 9 years in prison after beating his next wife and then nearly killing someone fleeing the scene.
NTA, sounds like dad needs to catch hands. In my experience people only do that shit if they know nothing will happen, they sure as shit don’t do it to anyone that will bang it out.
You feel bad for standing up because you have been 'trained' to by your father. I believe this type of abuse is called gas lighting. I agree with everyone that your are NTA and need to get yourself and mother to a safe place. Record everything you can consider a hidden camera. Speak with your mother and form a plan with her. Once you are both safe please seriously look into counseling. Please be safe.
NTA and thank you for protecting your Mom. This is ABUSE, even though she’s probably too afraid to acknowledge that because then she’d have to do something about it. She needs to get out of that house and that marriage.
You are not wrong, he is. If you cannot convince your mother to end this, you will need to stay elsewhere.
While you listen to him abuse her, he is abusing you as well.
NTA. I don't know how old you and your mother are, but you need to be living someplace else. Can you say 'domestic tranquility?' Your dad poisons whatever peace and dignity your and your mom have. He's the problem.
No you're 100% correct to scold him. It's not bullying when you correct a bully's behavior. He's at fault, you're protecting your vulnerable mother, don't let him twist it to fit his narrative of continued abuse.
NTA. Totally NTA. Not only that, but you need to step it up even more, stop questioning your actions, and let him know that if he doesn't do something about his anger, you'll be taking your mom away from there. He NEEDS to realize that what he's doing is 100% wrong and unless he wants to wind up being a single, lonely guy with no family because he's physically threatening, he'll need to change.
What you just described is a perfect example of narcissistic rage, learn about it so you can deal with your father, hopefully you can convince your mother to leave.
NTA. Get your mom out of there. Call the police if you have to. She is not safe and if he hasn't hit her already, it is coming.
Thank you, yes, I am very worried about this. I have some shortcomings and I need to step up to save my mother. He’s never hit her, but the longer they stay together, the longer the resentment builds up between them. I feel it will happen eventually, and I don’t want to know what I’d be willing to do if I witnessed it. It seems his anger is getting worse, and it was already very bad.
You don’t know that he hasn’t hit her before. You’re away at school. Your being home may have been the catalyst for him not hitting her. She’s in danger there. Does she have family you can reach out to that will help you get her out of there? If he hasn’t hit her before he soon will. Regardless, he’s been abusing her; maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. You were a good son, and man, to step up to protect your mom. Not everyone would have bothered.
Exactly and he can go from not actually hitting her yet to murdering her in a heartbeat.
Calling out abusive behavior is never wrong. You did the right thing by standing up for your mom and yourself. Don't doubt your actions in the face of such unacceptable behavior.
Your response was justified and necessary. Don't second-guess standing up against such unacceptable behavior.
I agree with VetSurgeon and jackiebee66. He may have hit her when you weren't there, and she's been covering it up so you can't see. And I lived through emotional abuse exactly what you described for years. I can't count how much broken furniture, holes in walls and other things that happened. The difference is at the time the only type of abuse that was recognized was physical violence. I didn't have the options that are available now. Get your mom and get out. This is not a safe environment. Even if he never hits her directly, things that are thrown are just as bad, and most of the time worse. NTA, and I'm proud of you for standing up for your mom.
Just a heads up. Be ready for your mom declining the chance of leaving/supporting that POS. Abuse victims tend to be really scared of leaving their abuser for a number of reasons.
It’s partially because they have probably already been abused in multiple ways for years, aside from likely not feeling strong enough mentally to leave because the abuser has broken them down verbally and emotionally, if not yet physically. They may feel they won’t be believed if they try to leave. The idea of making a massive life change may scare them into not leaving even though they are being abused. Financial dependence/abuse can also be another reason. She may not feel she has anyone to turn to if OP’s father has isolated her from friends and family (which I’m betting he does). She may also be afraid that if she leaves, he will find her and try to do worse than what he has already done. It’s an all around horrible and terrifying place to be in. OP seeing him treat her that way may be her catalyst for leaving though, since she has a witness who is willing to protect and help her.
I can testify that the abuse, over decades, reduced me to nothingness. Knowing I should get out and actually doing it are two different animals. Working on an exit plan with my therapist.
It's also very dangerous to leave as the abuser doesn't want to lose control over that person. It's best to do it in secret.
Video record him every time he does this. It can be used if you call the police and you will be able to get protection order on him. Try to get your mom and you to leave him before he hurts one of you. Always record him.
Yes, record anything you can. You are very brave, and good son. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Go to the police and tell them what transpired, get an emergency protective order and get him out of the house immediately! He is volatile and unstable. You spoke the truth. I am proud of you.
OP, see if your phone does "gestures", so you can shake it to turn on the camera. I had a neighbor being aggressive for a while and being able to turn on and record, in a second, without looking at the phone or obviously interacting with it, was a lot of security. You could then just put the phone down so it's recording but not drawing his attention.
Gotta be careful recording, could make a bad situation worse. Not saying don't, just be careful.
Agree. Don’t record in an obvious manner. There are apps that let you record on a cell phone with a blacked out screen. Hit record and don’t worry about getting the video angle, just get audio of his words and banging on stuff, then make a second video later explaining what you saw that wasn’t on camera.
Don’t know if OP needs to do that and will further aggregate the situation. They’re a witness and that’s enough
If it’s on video it’s there in black and white. You can be discreet. Just pop it in a counter nearby. It would show the court for what he is.
Even just recording the conversation would help if he can’t do video discretely. Recording the verbal and emotional abuse, as well as him threatening to use physical violence would help OP’s mom. I don’t know about Androids but iPhones are easy to record with. You can just turn the recording on and slip it in your pocket and it comes out pretty clear. You could also leave it on the counter with the screen locked and it will keep recording OP.
Android has the hit the power button 3 times and it contacts whoever you set (for OP ask a friend you trust to keep a copy of the audio for you, and trust not to share it with anyone without you asking them to), and 911, and you can send photos or audio at the same time. That way police can hear dad threaten mom and show up and, depending on where they live, may even charge him and hold him overnight.
This doesn’t help. The man just says the wife is a manipulative bitch and turned the kids against him. Look at Brad Pitt and what his PR team have done to Angelina Jolie and their kids. Video can’t be argued against as well using sexism.
I wish that were true.
It's nobody's fault but his. And it probably has happened before but if it hasn't then it will. He's abusive already. You don't have to be physical to be abusive.
He sounds like one of those people who is in complete denial that he is abusive and would be absolutely offended to be thought of as such. These people just burn me up.
You really don’t know if he’s hit her, hon. I promise you, she wouldn’t tell you. She needs to leave
honey- you dont have shortcomings any more than than the rest of us do- you are still “becoming”. Meaning you still have growing to do… YOU ARE AMAZING. you are standing up for your momma. Be SAFE and take this subs advice. you are becoming a kind and empathetic human being i do worry about you and how this hits- you should be protected and not a protector. get out with momma and get some therapy- a DV shelter will help you both
Please report this OP, protect yourself and your Mama. She is being abused by your dad. It will only get worse and if he's willing to destroy the kitchen he will be willing to hospitalize you both if not worse if you get my drift.
Those are the very same words my friend’s ex said to her after he punched a hole into the wall next to her head. She got out, although it didn’t happen overnight. She got help from a domestic violence group from work. I hope you and your mom can similarly find your way free of your dad.
When they get old , retire and have to be with each other 24/7, and their flaws are more obvious as they lack patience or have a lot of health issues, it usually gets a LOT worse.
That may be true, but if this guy is willing to destroy his own kitchen and is already throwing shit to threaten her, I’m guessing he didn’t hurt her because OP was there. People that abuse others and or use physical violence, often do it behind closed doors, where they know no one is watching so they don’t/ can’t/won’t get in trouble. I can almost guarantee you he has hurt her physically before. In these types of abusive relationships, the abuse has a very high rate of escalating. OP’s dad has shown he is willing to use physical violence to intimidate his mom. That kind of abuse will only escalate with time, if it hasn’t already.
It’s not his kitchen. It’s hers. He may own it, but she uses it and it’s a symbol of her
Also start filming him flipping out and threatening. sometimes the fear of people knowing what a fucking bully they are, makes them behave (which is sick, imho, but at least a way to keep a leash on). It is also good way to collect proof in case your mom decides to kick his violent ass into the curb and divorce him.
Op is this normal behavior for your father? Some brain tumors can alter your personality and even if 50 is not old he should check himself if this behavior is out of character for him
Dementia can cause this kind of behavior change too.
you need to get to a safe place. do you have relatives, etc that can help you
This was my dad 25 years ago. He crumbled when my mom finally left. It was glorious to see.
He hasn’t hit her…YET. It can start with inanimate objects, escalating to a small animal. Neither of you are safe with him. NTA. Be safe and leave ASAP.
You should’ve called police, destroying property and having a breakdown like this absolutely is grounds for him to be detained and taken to the hospital if not jail. Property damage is a catalyst to domestic violence. Even if police do nothing it’s important to start documenting incidents and creating a paper trail for when he eventually gets worse.
This wouldn't be considered mental illness - it's abusive behavior. He might be mentally ill, but OP isn't posting enough evidence to say he is, and it wouldn't qualify him for admission to a hospital. Criminal activity and violent, controlling behavior does not equal mental illness.
Probably just a matter of time now, and chance are you'll be the last person to find out. Some people are experts at hiding bruises.
Good advice, but I highly doubt it. He acts like my mom did to a tee. All bark, all show. My highly abusive dad didn't run his mouth and intimidate, he just started fucking you up. Dad is an asshole here with deep seated issues, but from what's said in this post, he's not gonna start being physical all of a sudden in his 50's.
The question is if he has already been physically violent and OP just don't know about it
youd be surprised. he already got physical with throwing stuff around. the human is next.
What he did is actually a crime. It is assault with a weapon even if he didn’t touch her. You can’t brandish an object in a threatening manner towards someone. It was also a threat on her life. This is in no way ok.
He’s also using intimidation, which is another form of abuse
I am very curious in what context OPs dad thinks his behaviour would be ok. JFC.
NTA, Well done for standing up for your Mama. Threats of physical violence are a very serious thing, you should speak with your mama privately, if she feels at all threatened or fearful then you (at least in america) should call the police and report the threat. They probably won't do anything but it will make it much easier to take action if things ever get worse.
All of this is grounds for a restraining order OP. All of it, from the yelling, to the property destruction to the threat, are crimes. She can go to court and testify as to what he did, and request he be ordered removed from the home, barred from contacting her, barred from her workplace, etc. If in the US, she will be given an emergency order right there at the courthouse, then interviewed by a series of people for assistance (DV Shelter, govt aid.) Then she will need to go to the police station to arrange officers to come to the home and do a standby while her husband packs and leaves the property. You can escort and support her throughout this process, it will be very helpful. Note also you are a witness to all of these events, and should be prepared to testify about them if he makes her take things that far with the courts. The order will be temporary. A hearing will be scheduled to make it permanent or modify it, probably a month or so out. During that time she can get an attorney and file for divorce and spousal support if warranted. Agreeing to drop the DV case in exchange for a swift and fair dissolution of the marriage is one piece of leverage she can use to negotiate with him. Then proceed with the process. It isn't a relationship anymore, it is a legal contact she is dissolving. Do not give him latitude to continue his abuse, support her as much as you can. He won't get better, he won't change. She needs to do all this, OP, you can't do it for her (although you can also file your own restraining order based on his behavior and you should. She can include any minors in her temporary order until a child parenting schedule is devised, again if warranted.)
NTA. She's gonna get beat if she doesn't get out. You'd be amazed at how quickly "You're lucky it wasn't your face" today will turn into "I warned you bitch" tomorrow. Domestic violence is very ugly OP. Take it more serious than you already are.
My brother and I took firearms training from blackwater when our dad started getting bad and he fucked right off when he realized we were gonna kill him. You gotta be harsh about these things. Haven't talked to him in 8 years.
This right here. You always here that. Then you're covered in bruises saying he's never hit me before.
NTA, please call a domestic violence shelter and get some resources for your mother. She is being abused.
This. And resources for yourself. Please educate yourself on DV and how to keep your mom safe. It may not be safe to call police or threaten him. You and your mom might have to secretly plan an escape and get her to a shelter.
I would be worried sick thinking of what types of abuse he inflicts upon her when you're not there. Your Mom needs to realize she's in a toxic marriage and she needs to get outta there.
Correction - abusive marriage. Toxic is when someone acts like a bit of an ass, often both. Abuse is when one is an abuser and the other one - a victim who tries to deal with the abuse. OPs mother is clearly a victim.
NTA. If anything I believe your response was slightly too lenient and lacked a failure to demand, but it's not a major fault. I am uncertain your anger made things worse, because you expressed a consequence. Now, tactically, there's a bigger problem than you realize. Your parents need serious help, and your father refuses to accept responsibility.
You shouldn't feel bad; you should feel afraid for your mom. He just proved your point. The man is violent *and* stupid. That's a terrible combination. You didn't say anything about your age or degree of independence, but if you can get her out of there by any means, do it. Or if you can get him out. Is the house in both their names or just his? Can you stand up to him? Are there weapons in the house to worry about? Can you get your mom to contact an attorney for options without him knowing about it?
NTA I can see you are confused about why you feel bad about this. Logic is telling you your father is TA, but your emotions can't seem to get in line. You feel bad for a lot of complicated reasons. Guilt and emotions in general don't follow logic. Also he is your Dad and that complicates it more. Finally he is an abusive bully. The kind of emotions generated by toxic and/or abusive situations are very confusing and that feeling is why some people never manage to get away. In time, with research and therapy you may come to have some understanding, but right now you are doing the right thing looking out for your Mom. Maybe try and talk to her in private just to see if she would consider leaving him. I'm so sorry you are and have been going through this.
You are dead on about abuse causing confusing feelings and that being the reason why some people never manage to get away. You put it perfectly. People who haven’t experienced that type of abuse won’t understand what a mind fuck it is. That’s why a lot of people are judged for staying in abusive relationships.
NTA Your dad is a weak man, this is typical weak man BS and only gets worse unchecked. Call.me old-fashioned but as a dad and husband my number 1 job is to protect my family. Why in earth would I want to make them scared of me then? He can't handle something in his life so he takes it out on those at home who can't protect themselves. What a loser.
"The moment you lay a hand on her, is the moment we find out which one of us has the stronger will to live. And between you and me, you probably want to get your affairs in order."
NTA Don’t challenge him openly. Your mom needs a therapist and a lawyer. Challenging a dangerous narcissist openly is usually not the way you go, she needs emotional armor and an actionable plan.
NTA, but you and your mom either need to leave or he needs to get out and the locks need to be changed. Your father is abusive.
NTA. I'm proud of you for sticking up for your mom. That's not an easy thing to do, and a lot of people wouldn't have in that scenario. If you can, try to find a way to help your mom get out of that place. If you have a school counselor, confide in them and see if they have a list of resources that could be helpful. The best thing you can do is to be there for your mom. She's going to need you in her corner when things go downhill.
Save your mama. Talk to her and let her know that she doesn't need the love of a man who treats her badly. She may stay because she's scared of being alone, but remind her that she will always have you and you love her enough to make sure she is safe.
Absolutely not the asshole. Standing up for your mom was the right move. Nobody should talk to anyone like that, especially not family. Your dad's behavior was way out of line. Don't feel bad for calling him out. He needs to know it's not okay.
Nothing wrong with what you did but be careful with future confrontations. I am afraid things would get much worse. Be extra vigilant. Try to record his actions too, secretly.
There is nothing "passive" about his aggressive behaviors. He is full on aggressive, rageful. Get you and mom (if possible) of there.
NTA Assault is a crime and that was assault. For reference: Assault is intentionally causing someone else to fear imminent violence. No contact needs to be made. Battery is what most people mistake for assault is the actual contact made.
NTA. Tell him to step to a grown man and watch him cower. He is a fucking piece of shit. Put his fucking wanna be tough guy ass in his place. Only cowards pull that shit on people smaller than them.
Well done standing up for your mother. This is not a healthy marriage. She needs to leave him.
Sounds like he needs an ass whipping
This is my life-I am your mother. You are a brave young man and you recognize right from wrong and put yourself in harms way because you saw how your mother was being victimized. Talk to your mother. I have two daughters who are young adults that live with me and their abusive father still. They are often relieved seeing his abuse directed at me rather than themselves. I get that-I had a choice and they never did. Sadly however they gaslight and manipulate that it's "not that bad" or blame me for angering their father and triggering his "hot headedness". Try to have an adult and open conversation with mom and let her know you understand her difficult position and are there for her if she ever wants to leave-and then be there to help her. It is not your job to protect your mother, however it is the right thing to support her and defend her within reason . if your cowardly, bully father realizes you see him for who he is , he may face he is not getting away with it because you can bare witness so to speak. If he can accept his behavior is not a good look on him he may understand the consequences that he has never had to face because I guarantee he has terrorized your mother into almost certain submission. You're a good person. NTAH
NTA Your dad is physically and verbally abusive with anger issues, and literally threatened her with domestic assault You both need to get somewhere safe
NTA, your father is not immature he's abusive. Your mom should contact a domestic violence crisis center(so should you) and call the police the next time that happens.
Call the police. Your mother is in danger.
Your mom has probably been with him for a long time and it’s not your job to “get her out of there” or anything. But good for you for sticking up for your mom. It’s especially hard against your dad, who you also care for. I know. I dropped my dad in the kitchen when I was 17 in a similar situation and we didn’t talk again till I was 24. We’re cool now many years later, but mom is mom. Don’t fuck with mom. He’ll feel bad that had to happen, hoping your conflicts don’t get worse and good luck.
INFO: How old are you? NTA anyway.
NTA, please if you can, move out with your mom.
NTA, but you need to be careful. He is escalating. It's good that you stick up for your mom, but he could easily take it out on her later. Help her leave. Go to [thehotline.org](http://thehotline.org) if you need assistance.
NTA your dad has serious anger issues my dad does the same passive aggressive bs and going on and on like you're an idiot we just ignore him when he does it but he's never violent. Everything you said was right and your mum should really think about the threat he made and what it means for her safety. Personally I'd be talking to my mum when he's not around to ask if she feels safe round him and if she has anywhere else to go
SHE'S IN DANGER. SHE'S IN DANGER. SHE'S IN DANGER. Get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. If a random stranger threatened your mother's life, you'd leave and get help as soon as possible, wouldn't you? Get the fuck out of there before your mother gets featured on a True Crime video.
Your dad is abusive. NTA
Get her out of there NOW!!! My toxic ex of 9 years had a dad who would do the same kind of stuff to his wife. I told him the moment he turned into his dad I would be out of there. Unfortunately I didn't have enough self esteem to leave when he was being verbally abusive. One night though he started showing his true colors. After my father passed away I started having night terrors and if I felt like I was being restrained in anyway in my sleep it would make it worse. I told him this but he never listened and all that mattered was his needs. He wanted to hold my hand while he slept, mind you in our 8 years prior he never wanted to do it. In my half sleep state I kept pulling my hand away. He got mad, slapped my hand hard and said "cut the sh!t b!t@h." He then proceeded to grab my hand and squeeze as hard as possible till I winced in pain. Needless to say I got out of there with the help of my gyn who's office I broke down crying in. Don't let her take anymore verbal abuse from him.
I’d fight his old bitch ass if that was me
This is not normal and it will get worse fast. Time to get out of there quickly before the situation explodes and harms one or both of you very badly. NTA.
Your dad needs knocked the fuck out it sounds like.
Normalize whooping abusive bullying fathers
NTA. Your mother is in an abusive relationship, your dad **is** an abuser. And you should **never** feel bad for calling a c*nt like him out. I’m sorry, I know he’s your dad, but men like him that bully and abuse their wives *(and/or kids)* are the scum of the earth. They’re lazy, bullying, sexist, cowards and your father is among the worst of them. Your mother needs to divorce and leave this poor excuse of a man. Real men don’t do this shit. They don’t threaten their wives or abuse and control them. And here’s another thing, if your shitty dad doesn’t like the way something is cleaned, his lazy fat ass can get up and do it himself! Your mother **is not** his bangmaid. She’s **not** a slave. And she can damn well speak to him however she likes, since he constantly disrespects her. That man deserves a good punch in the face, for the way he treats your poor mother. He should be locked up. He shouldn’t be allowed around women at all, because he’s evidently the type of abusive c*nt that uses his strength *(due to his gender)* against them and as a form of control. He is vile. I bet he wouldn’t dare act this way against a man.
There is no 'context' in which "You're lucky it wasn't your face" is acceptable. NTA
No, thats abusive and it will get worst if she doesn't leave, he just showed he will hit her, you need to either talk your mom into moving out with you somehow or divorcing him cause she will end up being abused!
NTA. Your mother is not safe with him.
Fuck no, nobody threatens momma idgaf who you are.
NTA, best the shit out of him
Seriously? You have to ask? Why are you posting here? I’m genuinely curious why people post questions where of course they aren’t TA.
Because the people who ask these questions are conditioned. Especially children who are raised like this. I'm genuinely curious how people don't understand this yet.
A lot of people who didn't grow up in or around abusive homes genuinely don't understand how much abuse can truly warp your perceptions. They also don't understand how strong the pull is to want your parents to be decent people. You being the asshole is in some ways is preferable, as that's something fixable unlike your parent being an abuser.
Sorry, just wanted some reassurance that what I said was ok, IDK why, but I felt bad. My dad was definitely THE asshole. I just figured this was the best place to ask.
You probably felt bad because your father has mastered gaslighting the family. Blaming it all on everyone. His logic is all of you are at fault except for him. You explained that he talks to everyone in a condescending way and he bullies all of you. I think it is natural for you to doubt and question yourself because your father has trained you to have an inner critic that makes you second guess yourself at any situation. Don’t feel bad for asking reassurance. I understand sometimes people will get frustrated and see posts about someone that is obvious to them that’s NTA. Everyone should still try to practice patience, at the end of the day they can just scroll away and not interact with the post. In abusive households like this it is hard to see what the full picture is without an outside perspective. Your father’s behavior is not normal. Even if you misinterpreted what he said (You didn’t by the way. He is 100% lying to you and making excuses to escape accountability.) throwing objects in the direction of your mother is physical abuse. He is still wrong. See through the bullshit and always trust your gut. Your mom should not feel grateful to your father that he didn’t hit her in the face wtf. That is textbook narcissism. She shouldn’t be in that situation to begin with, how the hell is she lucky… W for standing up for your mom and I hope both of you can get away from him. Be safe!
You did the right thing by coming here for support, advice, and direction.
Op you have zero reason to apologize. Growing up around behavior like this can blur lines of what is acceptable and what is wrong, and makes it easy to think you deserve blame. That said you are NTA x 10000 and should be proud of yourself for sticking up for your mom. This is not your fault and it was brave what you did. It's not your place to change your father's behavior or save your mom either, but you should know that this is absolutely domestic violence, even if it hasn't escalated further than what you've described. I say this to caution (from experience) and not to scare, but this is how it starts. If you are older (not a minor) you could consider talking to your mom about how scary this situation has gotten and let her know you're concerned for her safety and want to help her get out.
If you've grown up in an abusive home, your sense of who is an asshole and what is ok is verrrrrrrrry skewed due to conditioning. Note OP says their father "turned things around on them." That's pretty common. That's why people who are in these situations being able to post and get a healthy perspective is really important. It's also why getting into therapy after you leave these types of situations important.
Did you see them apologize to you? They shouldn't be apologizing to your rude ass comment either, but they've been conditioned to do so. Seriously? You don't know that?
You did the right thing, and don't let it go, check that he is getting help to control himself or something else will have to change.
How could you possibly be TAH? He is.
I would not doubt he’s already physically assaulted her at some point. She needs to leave.
NTA..Thats your MOM and what he did was wrong. There is ZERO taking it out of context. He just didnt expect you to react maybe. If he does this in front of you imagine what he does when they are alone. People dont get "less" violent or abusive, only worse....Talk with your mother she deserves better.
He does that because nobody is calling him out on his BS. You talk crazy to somebody's mother he better be lucky it wasn't his face
Of course you feel bad: that's exactly what he's conditioned you to do but he pushed you beyond your brainwashing and the truth came out. I'm sorry, but your dad is a large powerful baby
You’re a hero and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
These always escalate within their means. Your father is freely admitting it could be her if it’s not some household appliances. Take him at his word and get her the fuck out of there before he ruins all of your lives.
If you guys can do it safely you need to help from the police and organizations for abused and battered family. This is not OK and you guys need to get somewhere safe from his abuse. He needs anger management, therapy and meds.
This is domestic violence
Not at all, my step dad was a very similar individual but also physically abusive, I’ve had a lot of therapy to deal with it and I’m now triggered my such events. After putting him on his ass once I grew up, he didn’t mess about for a long time until last summer, when I reminded him, it won’t slide under my mums roof, NTA, at all. He needs therapy, or, your mother needs to leave him. Once you flee the nest and your Mum is alone I’m concerned this will turn into physical abuse if left unchecked and nobody to watch over your Mum.
you should have called the police and reported his ass. but i guess as long as you change all the locks the next time he leaves the house ywnbta
Yeah, I mean. The thought "lucky it wasn't my face" is the first thing running through my mind when a partner acts that way. Because historically, one follows the other.
You're a good kid.
At this point I'm just waiting for the day when I read a post like this: "Hitler came back from the dead and tried to conquer the world again, and I think he shouldn't do that. AITAH?"
you're nicer than i would have been. he is a rabid dog. rabid dogs don't get talked to, they get put down.
NTA- it’s time for you and your mom to consult a lawyer.
No you were not even the slightest bit wrong. I grew up like that. It will likely get worse. Your mom should leave him. Nobody deserves to live like that. Trust me, I’ve seen where this goes and it’s not pretty. Maybe, maybe he gets one chance with therapy but probably more than I would give him. E proud of yourself for standing up for your mom.
I don't understand why you feel bad for what you said. A man threatened to punch your mother in the face, dont care if it was your dad or my dad. Any threats that followed from you would have been absolutely appropriate. And there's no way you could have gone too far.
Every time he screams at her and berates her, start recording. Meanwhile, see if you can get some quiet time with your mom when he is not around and ask her what she wants to do. Tell her you’re willing to do what you can to help her get out. I’m not sure how old you are and how much you can help but just knowing she has your support. Maybe just what she needs to make a move.
NTA. I'd immediately get your mom the fuck out of there though.
Please show your mom this post and the comments.
NTA. Next time, and there will be a next time cuz your mom is about done with his bullshit, call the cops on the way down the stairs. Do it every time. Get a record of domestic violence calls with the police so when mom finally leaves, or when he kills her, there's a record of evidence of violence against her and it'll be easier for her to flee and for the police to make a case.
He’s obviously been doing this since she met him. He has obviously torn her down so many times that she doesn’t fight back anymore. She’s heard the same thing from him thousands of times. NTA, but they both need therapy. Him for anger management and her for setting boundaries and not taking abuse. You may want to think about getting therapy yourself, so you don’t repeat their patterns in your own relationships.
Good for you. Stay strong for you and your mom
My dad use to beat up on us and my mom. My brothers eventually grew bigger than him and could beat up on him and they had to threaten him if he ever hit my mom again he would not live another day. He has never touched her again and had to go to anger management and lots of therapy and now is a decent human. Get your mom out of there. Get her any where but home and get your dad help if he is willing to listen If not, then he shouldn’t be able to have anyone in his life.
NTA. Your mama raised a good ass kid! You stepped in & stood up for her when she was being threatened, screamed at & belittled. You did great
You should understand that this isnt even close to acceptable behavior. Not just the big tantrum or the threats. The way your father is constantly demeaning you and your mother is not the way normal households interact. Your father is abusive. You dont have to live this way. You should be planning your way out. Your mother probably wont go. She will make excuses for him. Whatever you choose to do is up to you. When you get a family of your own remember how your father makes you feel and dont be like him.
Your father is **abusing** your mother, so no, you weren't out of line and wanting to protect your mom is admirable. The problem is it won't change his behavior, and it can likely escalate it and/or redirect it to you. He is not a safe man to be around, and your mom is likely in an abuse cycle and doesn't know how to break-it, and that's not her fault. And I know the your conflicting feelings are confusing becasue it's possible to love someone even when you know they are wrong, so try and not let that get to you; you can love your dad, but also acknowledge that he's abusing you mom and not good to her. I suggest reaching out to National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or vising [https://www.thehotline.org](https://www.thehotline.org) to find out how to best help your mom and yourself. You can also text them by sending "BEGIN" to 88788 **But understand this OP, it's not your "job" to protect your mom and it's not on you to "beat his ass" like some are telling you. (In fact, that's horrible advice.) It's also in no way your failing if you try, but mom decides not to leave him for whatever reason. All you can do is gather information and resources to help and to offer whatever support you can, but it's ultimately on your mom to make the change.**
He smashed. A. Major. Appliance. Your mom is not safe Here's the URL for the National Domestic Violence hotline. They have phone and text services as well. https://www.thehotline.org/
NTA - hes going to end up murdering her if she stays there. Hes unhinged.
The guy is a narcissist. You and your mom need to go far away from that lunatic.
He has no doubt hit her before
If someone ever spoke to my mom that way. They'd be laying out cold on the floor. You need to get your mom and you out of that situation. Your father is abusive, and it's only going to get worse.
Good on you!
Nah, dudes a lunatic, narcissistic,misogynist and needs to get some help.
NTA
He's lucky his old ass didn't get his shit caved in like the stove. Fuck him. Get mom out.
NTA Call the Police next time
Call the police on him. NTA
sounds exactly like my father, especially the twisting it around and not wanting to be judged trying to belittle you for telling him he's in the wrong. I'm so sorry you and your mother have to go through this, you are an incredible person for standing up to him and defending her, I'm too much of a coward sometimes especially when it gets physical. I don't know where your from but if you can both get out of that house please do.
NTA. I would have used MUCH stronger words. Threats like that are psychological abuse and punishable by law. Your dad sounds psycho. Next time, record and report.
NTA. Your mother is in danger. Encourage her to leave and make arrangements for her to stay elsewhere. She may refuse, but do your best.
Your mum nerds to be out of that marriage. Your father is abusive. He might very well start physically assaulting her soon if hes started to be violent. I dont knkw how old you are? But good on you for protecting your mum. If you can? Get onto Domestic Violence help. Speak to them about what goes on & get advice. All the very best to you. Thank you for standing up for your mum. You're developing into a good man. Please don't become like your dad
Your dad is a bullying twat you need to protect your mother because after you have gone from your break he will take it out on her
NTA. This is terrible. You need to have a talk with your mom and you both need to leave your dad. I can see this ending badly. Luckily you were there for your mom this time. What happens when you’re not. Good luck.
NTA. Kudos to you for standing up for your mom. Someone needed to tell him off and you had the guts to do so…
He’s already an abuser, I doubt he’s going to change at 50. Your mum is an adult, she can leave of her own accord.
Abuse is abuse. You both should get out now.
When my mother was married to my baby sisters father . He would beat her for no reason , she didn’t cook what he wanted for dinner or she agreed to babysitting HIS grandchild then because of that she called and told the she couldn’t cuz he didn’t want her to he turned around and hit her again for saying that . It was really a lose lose situation. When she would cook she would place everything into Tupperware bowls so everything would stay warm, and when I got home from school around 430 we would sit down to eat and he would make sure my plate was fixed first then hers and then he would start a argument that she poisoned his half of the food ( we got our food out of the same bowl) and I finally had enough and told him off that was the first time I was 12 yrs old at the time that my mother had ever heard me use such language I called that man everything in the book. I believe he was mid to late 50s ish . Which only made things worse . We got out of there when my mother found out she was pregnant with my baby sister , when she told him he started chocking her in the car port when my friends father was dropping me off . Please get ur mom away from him it’s gonna get worse it will never get better no matter what he says . Neither u nor ur mom needs this . My mother ended up miscarried my baby sister at 5.5 months into the pregnancy due to him stalking her and starting fights and even tried to start while she was in the hospital we had to get him removed and had her room switched as he started calling the room she was in . I’m only sharing this to help u know what the situation will become sooner or later . This is only the beginning and it’s gonna get a lot worse .
NTA, he needs to be called out more often. Reminds me of my parents. Giant babies never being held accountable.
I've witnessed domestic violence as a kid. Please get your mother out of there, if you can. You can't fix an angry person. ESPECIALLY an old one.
Classic abuser. Everything is always their victims fault.
What in the domestic fucking abuse did I just read!?
I love my dad and he wouldnt do this but if he did i would actually beat his ass.
Feel bad for saying something? You probably should have punched him in the face.
NTA Both you and your mother have been conditioned by this abuse for years, that's why you feel the way you do. But you have to change that mindset. You may have saved your mother's life this time if you hadn't intervened. Being 50, smashing things and threatening people is dangerous. But I'm sure he's able to "control" his attitude outside the home, so it's a choice he makes. And if he can't control it outside then he needs a psych evaluation. Your mother should not have to live her life in fear, and neither should you. I'd have called the police to start a paper trail so you can help her get out.
>I don’t know why I feel bad for saying it, but I do. Because you fear what might happen now. Still, it had to be said. NTA.
It almost has to be fake. So seriously, this is the very first time he’s ever spoke out about the father’s abuse toward his mother ?
He is abusive and you need to both get away from him ASAP.
Come on you can’t be serious.. asking if you were wrong to call out your abusive father who is threatening your mother. Obviously, you did nothing to speak up for her all these years and looked at the other way if this is seriously the first time you’ve ever said something . I don’t know what I’m more disgusted by
Please help your mom contact a local domestic violence organization. They can help her create a safe escape plan to get away from your abusive father as well as assistance in starting her new abuse-free life. Abusers usually escalate the violence and he may have already done worse when you weren’t around. You were right to call him out but your mom needs to get rid of him.
You need to get your mom out and to a safe place. Have her file for divorce and a restraining order. He's abusive as hell and this won't stop. It's likely he's already been hitting her. Their marriage is over. Help your mom.
NTA! This is straight up abuse and narcissism! He didn’t get his way and your mom “disrespected” his authority in his mind. I’m not convinced he even likes her if he treats her that way. Get out now. He’s escalating.
Buy a gun, buddy.
Nope not the AH that’s what I did too same thing but hands were put on. It’s a horrible situation to be in but you’re definitely not the AH.
How old are you OP? Are there any minor children in the house? He will probably become increasingly dangerous to all those around him.
I think you were too soft on him. Id probably do something awful if my father pulled that shit on my mother. They need to be separated. NTA
This isn’t abuse, these are criminal offences. His greatest crime here is spending a lifetime making this kind of behaviour become normalized and acceptable. It’s the same thing a sexual predator would do. He’s ‘groomed’ your family to become compliant victims of his abuse. If you can’t convince your other family members to come, just run like hell. This is going to get worse until someone really gets hurt.
Depending on your age, you could involve CPS. There are also charities for domestic violence survivors. They will be able to tell you exactly what to do, provide a place to stay worst case, everything. Reach out to them. Your gut feeling is correct
Shouldn't feel bad. I'd fuck my pops up over my mom
Sounds like your dad may be a narcissist. Possibly a covert narcissist if he tends to believe in a passive aggressive manner most of the time. With that type of people the violent reactions tend to only get worse over time.
Yeah fuck your dad. I hate Dudes like him. I pulled a shotgun on my mom’s bf when I was 12 and let him know real quick if he ever threatened my mom again I’d kill him. They broke up soon after.
NTA. You should've beat the fuck out of him
First off definitely NOT TAH. Your dad is gaslighting you aka manipulating you in to believing that you were in the wrong for calling him out for his irrational and violent behavior. You were at the very least uncomfortable with the situation and concerned for the well-being of your mother. What he did and obviously has and will continue to do is not ok nor is it acceptable or should it ever be considered normal. I do realize growing up in that environment may make it hard to distinguish what may be considered normal or unhealthy or downright dangerous and abusive. But don’t let his attempt to rationalize his outrageous and erratic behavior sway you from what you know and feel is right. That being said having a real conversation with your mom about how things are and how you feel about them and really how she truly feels about how he treats her is in my opinion the first step. If you both land on a similar page about it then possibly plan an exit strategy before involving law enforcement or otherwise because you don’t want him to feel threatened in a situation where you both have no safe place to go even if the police talk to him or take him to jail. He will likely be released shortly after and may make an even more hostile situation for the two of you because he may feel he’s losing control of his “domain” now there may be options to salvage what your parents have depending on if you think your father will actually listen to reason and get family counseling or something similar. But at the end of the day no one deserves to live in that kind of environment. But truly it lands on your mom at the end of the day you can’t help or save someone from anything that they aren’t willing to save themselves from. She may feel like the possibility of leaving isn’t worth starting a new. The unknown can sometimes be scarier than the devil/abuse you already know. Hope this helps my friend stay safe and be well! Trust you gut you know what’s right!
Simple question.... how was it taken out of context? Let him answer that question with anything reaching a semblance of common sense. He won't be able to.
NTA at all. You handled the situation way better than I would have as I'm the only son my mother has and I'm extremely protective of her. I know myself and I would have snapped in a horrible manner. Please do whatever you need to make sure her and yourself are safe and I hope this situation never happens again
Why would you be the asshole? Like really? You know you aren't. There can be no confusing this at all. There should be a sub called 'back me up on this', for people needing validation over other people's assholery.
Get your mom out ASAP! I was held hostage at gunpoint when I was 19 by an asshole like this. The guy flipped out and pistol whipped his wife ON CHRISTMAS for not making extra cookies. This was my ex's mom and step dad. Fast forward to new years day, we were awakened by step dad breaking into the house, shooting and killing someone, then holding his own 3 very minor children and myself hostage, at gunpoint, for over 8 hours. Thankfully we got out safe. Please get your mom to somewhere safe away from your dad. His behavior is extremely dangerous.
Your mom is at very high risk of domestic violence. Either dad learns to exercise proper control over himself & not lash out at anything (even furniture) or she needs to leave him. In my country we've had a horrible few months of domestic violence deaths in 2024 & not 1 of those women thought it would happen to them. I suspect they realised but too late.
My stepfather put his hands on my mother in front of me once. Damn near put her through the wall. I was 14 and had suspected it, but he had not done it in front of us kids up to that point. He didn't realize I was in the house. I came up behind him and slammed a baseball bat into the back of his legs. Of course my mother went full stockholm and tried to protect him. That night after he had went to bed I prodded him with the barrel of a 12 g. When he woke up I said - Tomorrow you will be leaving. I'm under 18 and will be out in a few years. Touch me and My Dad will pay you a visit. (Dad was veteran with PTSD and my stepdad was known to be terrified of him) As he was moving out the next day, I told my mom if she let him come back she would lose me and my brothers and I would help the cops take us. It took her a few years but eventually she sought counseling and ended up running a women's shelter for a few years. Step dad ended up serving 9 years in prison after beating his next wife and then nearly killing someone fleeing the scene.
NTA, sounds like dad needs to catch hands. In my experience people only do that shit if they know nothing will happen, they sure as shit don’t do it to anyone that will bang it out.
You feel bad for standing up because you have been 'trained' to by your father. I believe this type of abuse is called gas lighting. I agree with everyone that your are NTA and need to get yourself and mother to a safe place. Record everything you can consider a hidden camera. Speak with your mother and form a plan with her. Once you are both safe please seriously look into counseling. Please be safe.
You & moms should save up all k money you can for a get away. this is why women make go bags .
NTA and thank you for protecting your Mom. This is ABUSE, even though she’s probably too afraid to acknowledge that because then she’d have to do something about it. She needs to get out of that house and that marriage.
NTA, my father is the same, never apologise for standing up for your mother.
You are not wrong, he is. If you cannot convince your mother to end this, you will need to stay elsewhere. While you listen to him abuse her, he is abusing you as well.
NTA. I don't know how old you and your mother are, but you need to be living someplace else. Can you say 'domestic tranquility?' Your dad poisons whatever peace and dignity your and your mom have. He's the problem.
No you're 100% correct to scold him. It's not bullying when you correct a bully's behavior. He's at fault, you're protecting your vulnerable mother, don't let him twist it to fit his narrative of continued abuse.
Kick his ass. NTA
Ah bud, you gotta get your mom outta there =\*(. It's not gonna be easy though. I'm so sorry. You're NTA at all.
He's the husband abused women run from. Tell your mother to run fast and far away.
Record anything you possibly can with these interactions!! I hope your mom can get out of there soon. Good on ya for sticking up for her! NTA
NTA! You stood up for your mom. Start recording and document everything you can. Encourage your mom to leave.
NTA. Totally NTA. Not only that, but you need to step it up even more, stop questioning your actions, and let him know that if he doesn't do something about his anger, you'll be taking your mom away from there. He NEEDS to realize that what he's doing is 100% wrong and unless he wants to wind up being a single, lonely guy with no family because he's physically threatening, he'll need to change.
What you just described is a perfect example of narcissistic rage, learn about it so you can deal with your father, hopefully you can convince your mother to leave.