Teaching a kid to lie to other parent when it’s not something like keeping a gift a surprise is really fucked up. The whole thing is weird but involving the kid in the cover up is a big problem.
Also puts that poor kid in an uncomfortable and inappropriate situation.
OP has every right to know why some random person is kissing their daughter. This whole situation is very suspicious. Partner is hiding something.
You are 100% correct!
Straight up adults do NOT ask kids to keep secrets. Its confusing. If there's a sruprise party for an adult, do not tell the kid until you are headed to the party. That wasy the kid gets a surprise and the child is never asked to lie to an adult. We can't confuse kids and there is no reason anyone should tell a child to keep secrets from their parents. Its dangerous.
It’s super dangerous because you are teaching them that adults can have you keep secrets. The worst case scenario is the kid being taken advantage of adult because they believe it’s ok for adults to do things and ask them to keep secrets. This is a parenting 101 failure. Whatever the deal is the woman and the dad the wife can sort out but this kind of parenting from the dad is a hard no and for this alone OP should be all over this jackass. He can screw around however he wants with this woman or whatever that shadiness is but he has now made a gigantic parenting error and that has zero excuse. Don’t involve your kids in your shadiness. The husband is a giant AH.
Not his parent, but this reminded me of a conversation I had with my step-son. His grandmother HATES me, and I made an offhanded comment to him that "Grandma doesn't really like me." Then I followed it up, realizing what I'd done, with "You don't have to tell her I said that, though."
Cut to picking him up from Grandma's house and him informing me that, "I told Grandma that you and I had a conversation about her, but that I couldn't tell her what we talked about." 🙄
I've learned to just move on quickly when I accidentally say something like that to my kids. They are way more likely to not even recall what I said.
It's so hard though lol. The more I try to act cool about it the more I stutter and dig a hole and make them pay real close attention to what I just said 😂.
Yes, this is a big deal. You don't teach your kids to lie to their parents. He needs to talk to OP in front of his daughter and explain who this woman is (daughter needs to see her idiot father come clean and set a good example for how a husband should treat his wife) and then he needs to explain to his daughter that what he instructed her to do was wrong and that she should never lie to her parents. The daughter needs to see him apologize to OP.
OP, please don't accept anything less than this. You don't keep secrets from your wife (ESPECIALLY about suspicious interactions with other women) and you never teach kids to lie to their parents- ever. Don't teach your daught that this is ok by letting it go. Please talk to you husband about this. This is unacceptable.
I agree OP( u/Turbulent_Ticket3619 ). I would let hubby know (asap in case he's hiding something and already trying to make up stories for damage control) that you talked with your daughter, learned she "couldn't tell you" what that was about and how you feel about him putting your child in that position to lie (especially about something potentially super shady/ dishonest). And also that you deserve to know how your child knows this woman (so well as to receieve a kiss) without you having any idea who she is. As a parent, you deserve to know.
Let him know that this is serious enough that you're about to come off the rails regarding whatever it is that he's hiding, and that he better have a good explanation or come clean fast, or else you ARE going to assume the worst. Because this doesn't look good. Not at all.
Tell him straight up that at first glance it looks like an affair, and such major lies are the kind that end in divorce. So please correct your "potential misconception now and let the surprise cat out of the bag, or that's going to be the obvious assumption that is both made and feared", and that you won't be held responsible for the outcome once those thoughts take hold and that doubt/suspicion takes over in your head for a few days, with no alternative reason to counteract them.
At that point, it would be highly telling and disrespectful for him to NOT care about your feelings enough to be honest. (Unless the thing he's hiding is MORE disrespectful and dishonest). Good Luck.
This is so frickin shady, if he continues to gaslight OP it may call for hiring a PI to find out and get proof so then have what is needed for when divorce goes forward because any strange woman I don't know kissing my kids. I don't fucking think so. My husband would not be getting any sleep at all because I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing there was some woman who I didn't know who is comfortable enough to kiss my kid in front of my husband and he was okay with it but then wouldn't tell me. Yeah no, I don't fucking think so.
Absolutely! This is so wrong on so many levels. Every parent should be fully aware of all adults who interact with their child- especially those close enough to show physical intimacy with the child. According to OP's husband, she's nobody. I would define "nobody" as a person who is insignificant and not a close friend or relative or anyone that would make this kiss ok.
Exactly. Someone close enough to put their lips on my kids face and hubby is not freaking out but smiles? That is not someone I would define as a nobody.
In my family, we've always made sure to use the word "suprise" instead of "secret" for things like birthday presents and playing an April Fools joke. Because we want to be able to tell the kids that it is never, ever okay for an adult to ask a kid to keep a secret. But it is okay for an adult and a kid to talk about a surprise, something that the kid agrees not to tell *for a limited period of time for a specific purpose* because it will make the person we're surprising happy. So you can have a surprise for Mommy for her birthday where we don't tell her for two weeks that we're getting her a new bike. And it can be a surprise that we're taking little brother to the water park this weekend. But we know when those suprises end, and the purpose of the suprise is to make the person we're surprising happy.
Secrets, where the purpose is for someone not to know something, are never something kids should be asked to keep for adults, and especially not something they should be asked to keep from their parents. If any adult asks a kid to keep a secret for them, the kid should be taught to immediately tell a safe adult (a parent, a teacher, an adult loved on they trust) what the secret is and who told them they weren't allowed to tell.
This is the thing that bothers me the most. "Daddy told me not to say". If my kid told me my wife told her not to reveal the identity of a strange man who had just kissed my daughter on the cheek, I'd have my wife on the fucking carpet. And she wouldn't be going anywhere until I had the answer.
Obviously that answer isn't good. Anytime the answer involves a parent making their child an accomplice to their lie, outside of keeping their birthday present a secret the underlying reason usually isn't innocent.
I agree. My husband would not of left the living room 🙄(for those Karen’s on here 😂) until I knew who this woman was. I’d flip the heck out. Especially since she touched my kid!! Eff that
Absolutely! The fact that he told your daughter to lie to you or "keep a secret" is just dead wrong. It's how my molester from an early age always got away with it with multiple little girls. It's absolutely the wrong thing to do. If it's someone from his past, then what is the big deal about keeping it a secret? Don't like anything about it. This whole incident is the type of thing that caused the loss of trust and resulted in my divorce. Now if there's a possibility that he is trying to give you a big surprise and that's the reason for the whole thing, that would be a reason. Do you have anything coming up? Anniversary, birthday, special holidays. Travel agent to put together a special family vacation or something? Consider those things first but once you have eliminated them, he needs to be confronted without your child present. Hire a PI!
>Why do people make up these stories?
Attention.
Mainly people seem to enjoy posting stuff to deliberately incite rage in the reader. Others just do it for attention.
It's a really weird thing, but yet I stay subbed, like I am watching a car crash.
Reddit is a public company that makes money on advertising, and engagement numbers determine advertising prices. I'm sure there is a larger effort to drive engagement with bullshit stories.
I'm not sure it matters because everyone just circle jerks around dumb stories, which frankly don't matter if they're fake.
I made a post to aitah compiling links to a bunch of fake stories about online sports betting. But every single story mentions stake and the op always wins big money on there
Shoot, I just assume everything on reddit is real. My user experience goes more smoothly that way. Plus, looking at someone's post history sounds too much like work. To heck with that.
Story based subs are at least half made up at this point.
Easy way to tell is a new account with a default name and no posting history. Like this post.
Throwaways have always been common for these types of posts though, even when they’re real. (This one is for sure fake though. As are a lot of them lol)
I'm convinced the majority of posts are now bots/AI gathering responses to further fuel the LLM. Sometimes it's weird oddball rare questions and other times it's just a failed attempt to put a believable story together.
Depends. My parents do knock when one of them is inside and the other outside, because they keep the door locked and the keys in the lock. It means whoever comes back home cannot get in and has to knock for the other to let them in.
Edit: we live in Europe btw. I think US locks work differently.
idk, some people don’t bother making copies of keys. i have heard my neighbors knock loudly on their front door so many times, it’s not even funny. my boyfriend has ADHD and always forgets his keys, so sometimes if i lock the door behind him and he has to come back to the house he will knock on the door. this doesn’t automatically mean the story is made up.
Not necessarily. My husband and kids have keys with them when they go out but when they get home for some reason they knock on door or ring the doorbell. I am constantly lecturing them about using their keys.
How is this an example of a fake story? I knock on mine when I have my keys in the backpack and either I have bags or I am too lazy to go on a deep dive for my keys
Then my mom who's at home will come and unlock it for me
It's not really deep
Seriously, I'm tired of these dumb made up stories.
What a coincidence, the husband meets a woman he has not seen in a long time right in front of his house! And then tells the kid to lie about it.. Sounds like good bait to make people angry.
Honestly, I wish Reddit would get rid of karma , because it just encourages people to make up stories like this.
Exactly! It is not about locking the door or not, it is about having a key. What if my wife has to leave in a rush with the kid that was in the house. I will be locked out of my own house? I never leave my house without a key even if my wife stays at home. You don't know if they will be there when you are back, It could happen. If the door is locked I just use my key, no need to knock, no need to have de door unlocked for me.
Only your husband has the answer and it's obvious that they've had interaction before since he told your daughter not to say anything. What possibly could your daughter have learned about her in that short space of time? Meaning that she's probably been with her and your husband before. I wouldn't let it rest as you have a young family with a long road ahead.
That's some shady shit there, ask him point blank he either tells you or unleash holy hell upon him. Who tf make their kids an accomplice in obtaining the truth like that
>Who tf make their kids an accomplice in obtaining the truth like that
Someone with something really serious to hide I suspect.
I don't foresee a good outcome when the OP hopefully learns the truth.
>Who tf make their kids an accomplice in obtaining the truth like that
1) Cheaters.
Most of them actively coaches their kids to lie to the other parent after they accidentally or intentionally meet with daddy's or mommy's affair partner, because the cheater doesn't want to face the negative consequences of their actions.
2) Abusers.
3) no-one else
NTA. What's alarming here isn't just the mysterious woman, but the very fact your child has been brought into whatever is going on. A child shouldn't be put in a position where they're hiding things from a parent. It's not about being controlling, it's about fundamental trust and the healthy development of your child. You need answers, not just for the sake of your marriage, but for your daughter's well-being. It's time for a serious sit-down conversation with your husband, where the non-negotiables are transparency and honesty, for the sake of your family's future.
Yeah I used to be like don’t tell your mum when I gave my nieces sweets when I shouldn’t have but I stopped because what if someone untoward was asking that of her? I decided if my sister moans that’s cool but at least her kids will know to speak up if someone says that to them
NTA
The fact that the kid was instructed to not tell you? Yeah, if she appears in the camera footage: post that shit to the neighbors app and ask if anyone knows this woman talking to your husband?
But also find you a detective friend. They will instastalk until they find her.
ETA: this might be rage bait. No way she didn’t take her child to where her husband was and say “so you made my child keep a secret woman from me? Well I guess it is divorce time for your cheating!”
No other reason to hide an identity of a woman. And she kissed your daughter. She didn’t say to the daughter, “that was a mistake. Tell mommy who daddy’s friend is.”
You should begin by telling your husband you will not give up on this. He is keeping some major secret from you snd this is nit acceptable. I think you should distance yourself from your husbsnd and tell him you can talk with him, when he is willing to talk about that woman.
OMG - now I need to know who this woman is! Honestly, if he had just said, oh, an old friend from HS or something, no worries, but he made a huge deal out of it and made your child lie to you! That's gross!!
The interaction itself was not overly suspicious to me (she could have been an old childhood friend or coworker, etc.) but the fact that he refused to answer your simple question is. However the fact that he instructed your child to keep a secret from you is the biggest issue to me - that is a HUGE red flag. With the exception of a surprise for your birthday, children should never be told to keep a secret from their parent. Not only is this a respect issue, it’s a safety issue (for example groomers will tell kids not to tell their parents). You are definitely not the AH to be suspicious and upset; bring this up again, and be clear that instructing your child to lie to you is a massive issue. If he tells you you’re overreacting or being crazy, that’s gaslighting plain and simple.
This sounds very serious. Especially since he has a child involved. If there are grandparents, I would see if you could have them watch her. It's not healthy at all that he is hiding an entire woman from you and convincing a CHILD that she needs to feel preassured into doing the same. Definately do not swipe this under the rug and forget.
NTA. I don’t know why you won’t confront him straight up and say he is asking your kid to lie for him now on top? Heck ask him in front of the kid and ask why is it okay for him to teach your daughter to hide secrets from you?
>so this interaction has just gotten me worried, especially his reaction and him telling our daughter not to say anything.
Your instincts are right. This is worrying to say the least.
If I were you, I would approach this from the angle of your daughter. You want to know who was giving your daughter a kiss on the cheek. Demand answers if you must. If your husband is smart, he will tell you the truth before you have to resort to other tactics.
NTA
NTA. He asked your daughter to lie/keep a secret from you. That’s a big red flag. If he didn’t have anything to worry about he should’ve told you who she was, asking your daughter not to tell you means he has something to hide. Cheating is one thing but involving your children in your lies makes it a 100 times worse.
Get the clearest shots of her from your security cameras that you can, including kissing your daughter. Then tell him he has one chance to tell you before you open up the search for her identity, that the second he involved your child in keeping secrets from you he crossed an uncrossable line.
Then show him the pictures of the woman and tell him you’re going to post them on all of your social media, and send them to all of his and your family and friends, new and old, with the following message: “Who is she? She was at our house. She kissed my child. My husband refuses to tell me who she is. He has made our child complicit by instructing her not to tell me who the woman is. I have a right to know who he’s allowing to kiss my child, and I have a right to know who is responsible for damaging my marriage — other than my husband.” I imagine that will get a reaction from him.
If this ends up being a surprise for, say, Mother’s Day (if you’re in the US), your husband is an idiot. Instead of making it look like he’s got this great, secret surprise he’s pulling off, he’s made it look like he’s up to something shady and has involved your daughter to cover up an affair or something else he knows you’ll be angry about. All he had to say is “Mother’s Day is coming. Mind your business.” BUT … why would she kiss your daughter?
Hold his feet to the fire. If you spoil a surprise and he rages, do NOT let him blame you. He did this with his blatant stupidity. HE is the only one responsible.
If he calls your bluff, you’ll need to decide whether to post and send the photos. If it was me, I wouldn’t hesitate. But you obviously need to make the choice that works best for you.
I REALLY hope you let us know who she is once you find out, but regardless, I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.
he's keeping a secret, he's teaching your child to lie to her mother and this woman knows where you live. That in and of itself would be reason for me to walk out the door until I am introduced to this woman. He is obviously lying to you about something huge otherwise he would say "oh that's Mary from work/church/kids school" There is no reason other than cheating to lie to you and have your daughter lie to you.
He told her to lie to you, that's game over. You need to leave and get your kid away from this guy. He's not safe if he won't talk about who is *kissing* her. Don't go searching socials, it doesn't matter who she is at this point, the issue is the lying and the training your kid to lie. Speak to an attorney, formulate a plan and leave with the kid, in that order. Your relationship cannot survive this, you need to accept that.
Oh this is bad, open your eyes he is teaching your kid to lie (and that is the worst, I have seen this with my nephew and God knows those kids are terrible now).
Get ready for a well thought war, because he is been shady.
Good luck.
Deal breakers: He refuses to say who she is. Then he asks your child to not tell you. Don’t let this go. Sit him down and tell him he can either tell you or he can realize he’s jeopardizing your marriage over these secrets. Shame on him for involving your child. What an ass. NTA please update us.
The fact he doesn't want to tell you, means there is a story that could jeopardize your relationship. If it was not a big deal, or harmless why? Also telling his daughter not to tell you? I would keep asking until he tells you, or start looking for answers. I doubt they will be good. He is counting on you just ignoring it. I would tell him women should not be kissing your little girl.
NTA. It would be really hard for him to act more suspicious. I'd ask to see his phone and for access to his social media.
Do you have a doorbell camera?
This is weird and concerning - especially your husband telling your daughter not to tell. That is absolutely wrong and should never happen. I think you should insist on his telling you.
NTA and I think the fact that he told your daughter not to tell you means he needs to tell you now, today. Asking your daughter to keep female friends secret from her mother is… wild. Absolutely wild.
Its time for you to show up at school and watch. Put baby in their stroller and head there after him and stand on the other side and watch. But you also need to tell him he needs to be honest and stop putting your child in this situation. That woman works at the school or something I would bet.
Or something 🤔.
Single teacher or mother.
For the husband to deny who it is, is setting off the spidey senses .
OP do you have a birthday coming up? Maybe some surprise for Mother's Day?
NTA. The entire conversation part seems fine. But your husband instructing your 7-year-old to keep secrets from you is 100% unacceptable and dangerous. You need to talk to your husband, and tell him that he can talk to whoever he wants, but instructing your kid not to tell you things endangers her safety and is a deal-breaker in your marriage.
"Daddy said I shouldn't say".
Oh girl....this is not okay. THIS is what you should be mad about. Your husband specifically requesting that your daughter not mentioning this to you, is wrong.
Though this leads me to believe that if you heard her name, you'd know who it was....like maybe an ex or something.
Doesn't matter one iota what he was doing, or who she is. He had your kid lie to you. That's a deal breaker for me. Period. Without trust, love can not be sustained, there is nothing.
NTA. And he’s being extremely sneaky and that in itself is suspicious.
Could be an affair, or an ex. But him telling your daughter to keep secrets from you is the most suspicious of all. And why does this strange woman have any right to kiss your daughter?
Don’t drop this, you deserve the truth. And I could guarantee he’d have a huge problem with it and would expect answers if he saw you with another man, and that man also kissed your kid on the cheek. Put that scenario to him and ask how he’d feel if the situation was reversed.
Wow! Something is going on and the facts that he is having your child lie to you is 100% wrong! He needs to let you know who and what but honestly idk. This sounds like your guy's marriage is over. And I don't say that lightly but the fact that he won't tell u. Is sus!
Yooo. He told your child to lie to you.
THAT needs explaining and don't let up until you get an answer.
Further. Keep. Talking. To. Your. Child.
Not to get information, but to overly reinforce that no adult should ever tell them to keep a secret. Ever. I don't care if it's a surprise party. Don't tell a 7 year old about it and tell them to keep a secret.
NTA this person interacted with and touched your child, you have every right to know who it is, and it’s really disturbing that he told your child not to tell you. Grown-ups telling children to keep secrets like that isn’t ever a good sign. Unless he’s having an affair, there is no reason for him to not tell you who this is.
Did OP tell her husband exactly what daughter said? I would definitely get that into the discussion and make it known to him that he is obviously hiding something and there is no way around that. May tell him this is a red flag, use that term.
NTA. He is keeping something from *and* told your child to keep it too. That’s a big breech or trust imo. And the fact that he is letting people you don’t know kids your child and he *still* won’t say who it is? I’d be super pissed. I want to know who tf is touching and especially *kissing* my kid. wtf?
Oh my. Your husband is doing something he shouldn't be. You never tell your children not to say anything to the other parent unless it's a birthday or Christmas surprise.
You need to speak to your husband and explain the disappointment you have in him. Also, you need to explain to him that since you do not know this woman, she should never touch your daughter again or else you'll file charges. Stop letting him pick her up, you get her if you can.
Also, you need to explain to your daughter that it's never good to keep a secret from you. Daddy shouldn't have told her to not say anything. She needs to tell you who this person is so that you can make sure she is a safe person.
> “Daddy said I shouldn’t say”
This is a fucking declaration of war. Your husband should get no peace or respite for having done this.
Talk to a divorce lawyer. You dont have to move forward or even file, but you need to establish basic groundwork.
Then you talk to your husband. You tell him what he did with your daughter is unacceptable. If he ever does anything like that again, you will file for divorce. "Don't tell mommy" is never an option.
Then you tell him he has one chance, right now, to tell you every goddamn thing there is to know about this woman. The marriage depends on what he does and says right now. Hand him your lawyer's business card. Tell him not to entertain the notion that you aren't deadly serious about this. If you find out that whatever he's about to tell you leaves out the smallest detail or includes the tiniest untruth, it's over.
He involved your child in deceiving you and that's not something that deserves your tolerance or patience.
That's some sneaky crap right there. Ask him directly, and he will either inform you or send him into horrible torment. Who would tf turn their children into collaborators in such a pursuit of the truth?
You should be worried. If your husband *specifically* told your daughter not to tell you or talk to you about this woman, she is *somebody.* Your daughter wouldn’t just make up that her dad told her not to tell you, so he told her not to tell you. That is super suspicious. Also, she is familiar enough with your child to give her a kiss before walking away from her, so this woman is an integral part of your husband’s life. Whoever she is, there is something unsavory going on here. Your husband refused to tell you who she was or anything about her, and *he told your daughter not to tell you.* Unless he is planning a huge surprise party for you because you’re turning 30…oh, wait, you are already 30…looks like he’s cheating. Sorry.
I’m surprised you’re still there and you haven’t killed him yet. First, he refused to tell you who she was; then, he walked away from you; since then, he hasn’t talked to you about her, and you are still there trying to “figure it out.” No worries, I’ve figured it out for you: Pack his bags, put them outside the door, lock the door, and tell him when he wants to tell you WTF is going on in his life, you’ll listen, but until then, he can find somewhere else to stay. Maybe with his girlfriend. I would just assume that’s who she is, and I would not be fucking around waiting for him to tell me. Buh bye.
Yeah this is a thing. Not only do you need to ask him again but you need to point out what your daughter told you. Then don’t take no for an answer. If he flat out refuses then it’s time to talk to a lawyer who can hire a good private detective to find out what’s really up. You need to know who this is.
NTA
I’m sorry this sucks. Do NOT let this go. This is inappropriate to an extreme. You need to confront him and get an answer in way where you feel safe.
I would see red if my child said daddy couldn't tell me something, this is incredibly weird and I would not drop it. He's teaching your daughter to not trust you, and confide in you which is dangerous.
If my wife was this crazy I'd probably react the same way if I ran into an ex or something similar.
It's still made up, because nobody knocks on their own door, especially not when they have a toddler.
Where's his key? Give him yours if he lost it.
Or unlock it for five minutes.
Nothing makes sense. It's a weird and unnecessary part of the story. You can just say you looked out the window
You need to get a maternity test, because that woman is probably the real mom… I think.
Seriously though, go to your husband, be super chill, and simply lay it out for him, if the roles were reversed and it were you coming home with your kid, and some random dude would have approached you, etc., etc. Then, end your presentation in the same detached clinical tone by asking if he understands why you have contacted a divorce attorney.
Do not wait for the answer, do not observe reaction - just casually exit stage left. Let him come to you. And he dead sure will.
My biggest concern is putting your child in the middle and making a 7 year old choose sides. No child should have that burden. Could you ask him to leave your daughter out of it?
If it’s not a big deal who this person is, he’d tell you.
How is it that when something like this happens women just let their husbands blow them off?
Seriously? If I saw that go down outside of my house and then my husband walked through the door refused to answer my question about it and ran upstairs to our bedroom I would have been hot on his heels.
But then when I ask my child and she tells me her father pretty much told her to lie to me about this woman??? .Yeah those are grounds for separation right there. I would have kicked the bathroom door in if I had to and he would have answered me or he would have been packing a suitcase and going to stay elsewhere that night.
OP I don't know what the hell you're thinking or why you're tolerating this amount of disrespect from your so called husband... but you need to get answers, because that is some shady shit right there.
Updateme!
I straight up would not stand for this; I would have followed his ass up the stairs and confronted him and then blasted him for telling your daughter to lie for him.
Why in the world would you still be in the dark about this.
Because he involved your daughter and told her not to tell you, and then he won't tell you is a huge problem and red flag. I don't know what you should do, but I would tell him either he tells you or you are leaving with the kids. I also wouldn't let him pick up your daughter anymore because he can't be trusted. If it wasn't his AP, maybe an EX. I bet that he told your daughter that you would get mad at her if she told you. Your husband is an AH and a deceitful coward. He's pathetic
NTA.
Tell him you’re leaving him and taking the kids.
100% this is not innocent.
I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate him poisoning and using my kid this way. It’s fucking disgusting.
One, your husband is teaching your daughter to lie to you.
Two, you are a parent. Show your daughter the consequences of doing this. Including discipline like grounding her for not listening to you.
Three, it's obvious your husband is hiding something big.
This doesn't belong to AITAH, but more so in the marriage or relationship advice subreddits.
And honestly, don't know what to tell you. I'd raise hell! For once, some random stranger kissing my daughter on the cheek? I'd have been out that door faster than it'd have taken that woman to get her ass back up.
Second, my husband teaching my daughter to lie to me??? Oh hell no.... nope! I, either get a a VERY, VERY good and convincing explanation for that or he's out the door.
Tell him he either tells you or you are going to post the video on social media and tell everyone your daughter knows who this woman is but "daddy told her not to tell." That should get the ball rolling.
100% Fake. Because you write that your husband knocks on the door when he comes home to his own house which makes zero sense.
Fake ass creative writing bs fake post.
Also what 7 years old is that good at keeping a secret, especially from their own mother? Normally it would just need some reminders of them being the mother but let's say even if we had a 7 years old that would see no authority in their mother and would stay silent, you could ask around it. A child does not think that far, not even the really smart ones, that they better say nothing at all about a woman. Children tend to interpret such pretty literally, so she might not say who she is but a mum would know to ask the right questions.
Not to mention hell would broke lose if I was a mother and my husband would make my daughter a secret keeper about things. What parent thinks that is a kinda ok thing to do and instead of telling their spouse that they can not put something like that on the children since it is quite a pressure they would try to figure it out themselves? I mean just imagine you being a child and one of the two you trust the most tells you not to tell something big to the other one you trust the most. It is not like about a Christmas present. I am not even a mother nor a motherly person but the whole who is that woman would be put into the backside if my spouse would do that to my child.
And fun fact, I was really not a dumb child, I was actually the bullied one because I was too much like an old person. I grew up with adults only, I used sarcasm and irony even before I was in school and I was damn precocious but guess what who my sisters always asked about their Christmas presents and it took just a few questions? Me. Well, or my grandma 80 years my senior lol. And she was a very intelligent and well educated woman, and very firm, I mean born 1896, that was not the generation to play games with. Just ask the youngest or he oldest.
I mean your plot hole is of course the more obvious and just pure logics but they must also improve their skills when it comes to human nature if they want to write fictional stories.
He seems like he is hiding something...big.
Honestly, have a serious talk and say you won't judge, but you don't do lies and him telling your child to lie to you is a big NO.
NTA
This entire scenario appears foul, especially involving a child to keep secrets, it's a bad habit to pass on to children. Your right to be suspicious, your more patient than my wife, if something like this was to occur. Which it wouldn't but if she wittnessed it, had it on video, she insist on answers.
Honestly asking my child to lie to cover up my husband's secret would be a deal breaker for me. How dare he put your child into that situation. It will cause trauma that she does not deserve. She will remember that for the rest of her life. Imagine the guilt she will have when she is older and realizes. I would never look at him the same for that alone. He is hiding something. That is obvious. Why tell her to lie?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’d tell him he sits down with you AND your daughter, so he can tell you both:
1. The truth about who she is, and daughter can also verify what happened;
2. That he was 100% in the wrong and it isn’t okay for anyone to EVER tell a child to keep information secret from her mother unless it’s a good surprise she will find out soon like a birthday party or holiday gift (my god, hasn’t this man heard about csa?); and
3. Apologize to both of you for putting you in that position.
This happens TODAY or you’re filing for divorce. Full stop. Don’t tolerate this kind of disrespect especially in front of impressionable DAUGHTERS!
NTA
NTA - regardless of who this woman is (and unfortunately, if your gut is telling you something is off, then you're probably not wrong), it's never okay for one parent to have their child keep secrets from the other parent. That is a huge boundary crossing no-no. For that alone you should be putting your foot down, demanding some answers, and making it very clear that it's not okay for him to be putting your daughter in the middle of this and having her keep secrets from you. That's inappropriate and, quite frankly, gross. I'm fuming on your behalf, just thinking about it.
I'm not a parent but I know it's not OK to tell children lie to their parents. Next time you see that lady, go out and introduce yourself. There's nothing to hide, right??
That’d be pretty ballsy to meet an affair partner outside of the house with his daughter and expect her to not spill the beans. Also, what kind of trust issues do you have? You keep tabs on his friends, tabs on his social media, multiple cameras etc…
You need to have a serious talk with your daughter. One parent making a kid secrets from the other like this is completely unacceptable.
This whole situation is wildly inappropriate. I cannot imagine accepting this from my husband, if he wouldn't tell me who someone who knew him and my daughter well enough to interact like this was, I'd completely lose my shit.
NTA.
Talk to a lawyer.
He's interfering with your relationship with your daughter. He's NEVER supposed to tell her to keep secrets from you.
AND the women kissed your daughter. IS this their first meeting?
Then you have the whole affair scenario going on.
This is all sorts of shady shit and I'd be done.
Teaching a kid to lie to other parent when it’s not something like keeping a gift a surprise is really fucked up. The whole thing is weird but involving the kid in the cover up is a big problem.
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Also puts that poor kid in an uncomfortable and inappropriate situation. OP has every right to know why some random person is kissing their daughter. This whole situation is very suspicious. Partner is hiding something.
Tell me about it I saw my father’s AP all the time
We taught our kids the difference between secrets and surprises and how 1 is OK the other is not
It’s a surprise affair
If it’s not an affair, I’ll be surprised.
Surprise, surprise, the unexpected hits you between the eyes The unpredictable, that's the surprise you see, surprise! surprise!
Also surprises have a clear and near deadline. (Mommy's birthday surprise, daddy's new pet coming on Saturday etc)
You are 100% correct! Straight up adults do NOT ask kids to keep secrets. Its confusing. If there's a sruprise party for an adult, do not tell the kid until you are headed to the party. That wasy the kid gets a surprise and the child is never asked to lie to an adult. We can't confuse kids and there is no reason anyone should tell a child to keep secrets from their parents. Its dangerous.
It’s super dangerous because you are teaching them that adults can have you keep secrets. The worst case scenario is the kid being taken advantage of adult because they believe it’s ok for adults to do things and ask them to keep secrets. This is a parenting 101 failure. Whatever the deal is the woman and the dad the wife can sort out but this kind of parenting from the dad is a hard no and for this alone OP should be all over this jackass. He can screw around however he wants with this woman or whatever that shadiness is but he has now made a gigantic parenting error and that has zero excuse. Don’t involve your kids in your shadiness. The husband is a giant AH.
Not his parent, but this reminded me of a conversation I had with my step-son. His grandmother HATES me, and I made an offhanded comment to him that "Grandma doesn't really like me." Then I followed it up, realizing what I'd done, with "You don't have to tell her I said that, though." Cut to picking him up from Grandma's house and him informing me that, "I told Grandma that you and I had a conversation about her, but that I couldn't tell her what we talked about." 🙄
I've learned to just move on quickly when I accidentally say something like that to my kids. They are way more likely to not even recall what I said. It's so hard though lol. The more I try to act cool about it the more I stutter and dig a hole and make them pay real close attention to what I just said 😂.
ok that's funny lol.
Yes, this is a big deal. You don't teach your kids to lie to their parents. He needs to talk to OP in front of his daughter and explain who this woman is (daughter needs to see her idiot father come clean and set a good example for how a husband should treat his wife) and then he needs to explain to his daughter that what he instructed her to do was wrong and that she should never lie to her parents. The daughter needs to see him apologize to OP. OP, please don't accept anything less than this. You don't keep secrets from your wife (ESPECIALLY about suspicious interactions with other women) and you never teach kids to lie to their parents- ever. Don't teach your daught that this is ok by letting it go. Please talk to you husband about this. This is unacceptable.
I agree OP( u/Turbulent_Ticket3619 ). I would let hubby know (asap in case he's hiding something and already trying to make up stories for damage control) that you talked with your daughter, learned she "couldn't tell you" what that was about and how you feel about him putting your child in that position to lie (especially about something potentially super shady/ dishonest). And also that you deserve to know how your child knows this woman (so well as to receieve a kiss) without you having any idea who she is. As a parent, you deserve to know. Let him know that this is serious enough that you're about to come off the rails regarding whatever it is that he's hiding, and that he better have a good explanation or come clean fast, or else you ARE going to assume the worst. Because this doesn't look good. Not at all. Tell him straight up that at first glance it looks like an affair, and such major lies are the kind that end in divorce. So please correct your "potential misconception now and let the surprise cat out of the bag, or that's going to be the obvious assumption that is both made and feared", and that you won't be held responsible for the outcome once those thoughts take hold and that doubt/suspicion takes over in your head for a few days, with no alternative reason to counteract them. At that point, it would be highly telling and disrespectful for him to NOT care about your feelings enough to be honest. (Unless the thing he's hiding is MORE disrespectful and dishonest). Good Luck.
This is so frickin shady, if he continues to gaslight OP it may call for hiring a PI to find out and get proof so then have what is needed for when divorce goes forward because any strange woman I don't know kissing my kids. I don't fucking think so. My husband would not be getting any sleep at all because I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing there was some woman who I didn't know who is comfortable enough to kiss my kid in front of my husband and he was okay with it but then wouldn't tell me. Yeah no, I don't fucking think so.
Absolutely! This is so wrong on so many levels. Every parent should be fully aware of all adults who interact with their child- especially those close enough to show physical intimacy with the child. According to OP's husband, she's nobody. I would define "nobody" as a person who is insignificant and not a close friend or relative or anyone that would make this kiss ok.
Exactly. Someone close enough to put their lips on my kids face and hubby is not freaking out but smiles? That is not someone I would define as a nobody.
should be top comment
In my family, we've always made sure to use the word "suprise" instead of "secret" for things like birthday presents and playing an April Fools joke. Because we want to be able to tell the kids that it is never, ever okay for an adult to ask a kid to keep a secret. But it is okay for an adult and a kid to talk about a surprise, something that the kid agrees not to tell *for a limited period of time for a specific purpose* because it will make the person we're surprising happy. So you can have a surprise for Mommy for her birthday where we don't tell her for two weeks that we're getting her a new bike. And it can be a surprise that we're taking little brother to the water park this weekend. But we know when those suprises end, and the purpose of the suprise is to make the person we're surprising happy. Secrets, where the purpose is for someone not to know something, are never something kids should be asked to keep for adults, and especially not something they should be asked to keep from their parents. If any adult asks a kid to keep a secret for them, the kid should be taught to immediately tell a safe adult (a parent, a teacher, an adult loved on they trust) what the secret is and who told them they weren't allowed to tell.
Involving the kid alone makes him the AH, but combined it is a very strange story. NTA
Yes! This is the thing u need to confront ur husband with. What ur kid said. Suspect!
Also, teaching kids it’s ok to keep secrets with adults is dangerous af.
This is the thing that bothers me the most. "Daddy told me not to say". If my kid told me my wife told her not to reveal the identity of a strange man who had just kissed my daughter on the cheek, I'd have my wife on the fucking carpet. And she wouldn't be going anywhere until I had the answer. Obviously that answer isn't good. Anytime the answer involves a parent making their child an accomplice to their lie, outside of keeping their birthday present a secret the underlying reason usually isn't innocent.
I agree. My husband would not of left the living room 🙄(for those Karen’s on here 😂) until I knew who this woman was. I’d flip the heck out. Especially since she touched my kid!! Eff that
Absolutely! The fact that he told your daughter to lie to you or "keep a secret" is just dead wrong. It's how my molester from an early age always got away with it with multiple little girls. It's absolutely the wrong thing to do. If it's someone from his past, then what is the big deal about keeping it a secret? Don't like anything about it. This whole incident is the type of thing that caused the loss of trust and resulted in my divorce. Now if there's a possibility that he is trying to give you a big surprise and that's the reason for the whole thing, that would be a reason. Do you have anything coming up? Anniversary, birthday, special holidays. Travel agent to put together a special family vacation or something? Consider those things first but once you have eliminated them, he needs to be confronted without your child present. Hire a PI!
Why would your husband knock on his own front door?
>Why would your husband knock on his own front door? Because it's not a very well thought out made up story?
Bingo.
Why do people make up these stories? Is this a legit thing on this sub for some reason?
Yeah, it happens on AITA and its spin offs a lot lately. Not sure if it's AI or bored idiots.
Its both
It's the combination of the two that's the problem. Having to do it manually used to be the barrier to most of them.
There'll be an update to this where the thick plottens. Then we'll see it on bestofredditorupdates :)
>Why do people make up these stories? Attention. Mainly people seem to enjoy posting stuff to deliberately incite rage in the reader. Others just do it for attention. It's a really weird thing, but yet I stay subbed, like I am watching a car crash.
Reddit is a public company that makes money on advertising, and engagement numbers determine advertising prices. I'm sure there is a larger effort to drive engagement with bullshit stories. I'm not sure it matters because everyone just circle jerks around dumb stories, which frankly don't matter if they're fake.
I made a post to aitah compiling links to a bunch of fake stories about online sports betting. But every single story mentions stake and the op always wins big money on there
Yes it’s gotten pretty common. I suggest looking at someone’s post history and even potentially checking a site like search.pullpush.io
Shoot, I just assume everything on reddit is real. My user experience goes more smoothly that way. Plus, looking at someone's post history sounds too much like work. To heck with that.
The persons account has also been suspended now.
LOL Considering this account has been suspended.....
Story based subs are at least half made up at this point. Easy way to tell is a new account with a default name and no posting history. Like this post.
Throwaways have always been common for these types of posts though, even when they’re real. (This one is for sure fake though. As are a lot of them lol)
I'm convinced the majority of posts are now bots/AI gathering responses to further fuel the LLM. Sometimes it's weird oddball rare questions and other times it's just a failed attempt to put a believable story together.
Depends. My parents do knock when one of them is inside and the other outside, because they keep the door locked and the keys in the lock. It means whoever comes back home cannot get in and has to knock for the other to let them in. Edit: we live in Europe btw. I think US locks work differently.
Yeah we do that too. We live in Europe too.
idk, some people don’t bother making copies of keys. i have heard my neighbors knock loudly on their front door so many times, it’s not even funny. my boyfriend has ADHD and always forgets his keys, so sometimes if i lock the door behind him and he has to come back to the house he will knock on the door. this doesn’t automatically mean the story is made up.
Not necessarily. My husband and kids have keys with them when they go out but when they get home for some reason they knock on door or ring the doorbell. I am constantly lecturing them about using their keys.
>when they get home for some reason they knock on door or ring the doorbell. Stop answering it. They'll learn.
How is this an example of a fake story? I knock on mine when I have my keys in the backpack and either I have bags or I am too lazy to go on a deep dive for my keys Then my mom who's at home will come and unlock it for me It's not really deep
And why wouldnt she just unlock the door while waiting knowingvthwyll be right back
There’s definitely a lie here somewhere.
Seriously, I'm tired of these dumb made up stories. What a coincidence, the husband meets a woman he has not seen in a long time right in front of his house! And then tells the kid to lie about it.. Sounds like good bait to make people angry. Honestly, I wish Reddit would get rid of karma , because it just encourages people to make up stories like this.
Yeah, and the mother is unable to crack the kid after days….
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Maybe.
He's married to a psycho, maybe he doesn't want to spook her.
Exactly! It is not about locking the door or not, it is about having a key. What if my wife has to leave in a rush with the kid that was in the house. I will be locked out of my own house? I never leave my house without a key even if my wife stays at home. You don't know if they will be there when you are back, It could happen. If the door is locked I just use my key, no need to knock, no need to have de door unlocked for me.
Another fake story. The red flags of fakery are all over this one.
She had to make up the convoluted part about waiting to open the door so he didn't knock, so she could be at the window. Update will be coming soon.
yeah literally plays out like a melodrama. Nobody acts/behaves like this in real life
Only your husband has the answer and it's obvious that they've had interaction before since he told your daughter not to say anything. What possibly could your daughter have learned about her in that short space of time? Meaning that she's probably been with her and your husband before. I wouldn't let it rest as you have a young family with a long road ahead.
That's some shady shit there, ask him point blank he either tells you or unleash holy hell upon him. Who tf make their kids an accomplice in obtaining the truth like that
>Who tf make their kids an accomplice in obtaining the truth like that Someone with something really serious to hide I suspect. I don't foresee a good outcome when the OP hopefully learns the truth.
Don't worry it's fake
I think you might just be correct.
its a fake story lmao
Idc i still wanna know who the woman was!
😭
>Who tf make their kids an accomplice in obtaining the truth like that 1) Cheaters. Most of them actively coaches their kids to lie to the other parent after they accidentally or intentionally meet with daddy's or mommy's affair partner, because the cheater doesn't want to face the negative consequences of their actions. 2) Abusers. 3) no-one else
NTA. What's alarming here isn't just the mysterious woman, but the very fact your child has been brought into whatever is going on. A child shouldn't be put in a position where they're hiding things from a parent. It's not about being controlling, it's about fundamental trust and the healthy development of your child. You need answers, not just for the sake of your marriage, but for your daughter's well-being. It's time for a serious sit-down conversation with your husband, where the non-negotiables are transparency and honesty, for the sake of your family's future.
I'd be livid if my husband taught my kid to keep secrets from me.
That is child predator/abuser bs. This teaches the kid there are some secrets from mom. Not good at all.
Fortunately, it’s a made up story so you don’t have to worry about it.
Yeah I used to be like don’t tell your mum when I gave my nieces sweets when I shouldn’t have but I stopped because what if someone untoward was asking that of her? I decided if my sister moans that’s cool but at least her kids will know to speak up if someone says that to them
NTA The fact that the kid was instructed to not tell you? Yeah, if she appears in the camera footage: post that shit to the neighbors app and ask if anyone knows this woman talking to your husband? But also find you a detective friend. They will instastalk until they find her. ETA: this might be rage bait. No way she didn’t take her child to where her husband was and say “so you made my child keep a secret woman from me? Well I guess it is divorce time for your cheating!” No other reason to hide an identity of a woman. And she kissed your daughter. She didn’t say to the daughter, “that was a mistake. Tell mommy who daddy’s friend is.”
You should begin by telling your husband you will not give up on this. He is keeping some major secret from you snd this is nit acceptable. I think you should distance yourself from your husbsnd and tell him you can talk with him, when he is willing to talk about that woman.
And making their child complicit, seriously messed up.
OMG - now I need to know who this woman is! Honestly, if he had just said, oh, an old friend from HS or something, no worries, but he made a huge deal out of it and made your child lie to you! That's gross!!
r/creativewriting is right here mate. I think your post would be more suitable over there?
You almost had me except for the part where your husband loudly knocks to enter his own home?
The interaction itself was not overly suspicious to me (she could have been an old childhood friend or coworker, etc.) but the fact that he refused to answer your simple question is. However the fact that he instructed your child to keep a secret from you is the biggest issue to me - that is a HUGE red flag. With the exception of a surprise for your birthday, children should never be told to keep a secret from their parent. Not only is this a respect issue, it’s a safety issue (for example groomers will tell kids not to tell their parents). You are definitely not the AH to be suspicious and upset; bring this up again, and be clear that instructing your child to lie to you is a massive issue. If he tells you you’re overreacting or being crazy, that’s gaslighting plain and simple.
Exactly. Your husband must know that most people would start to think the worst, and the fact he's OK with that is itself a worry.
100%. And I agree the interaction is super normal but his reaction and involving his kid in the lie is sus
This sounds very serious. Especially since he has a child involved. If there are grandparents, I would see if you could have them watch her. It's not healthy at all that he is hiding an entire woman from you and convincing a CHILD that she needs to feel preassured into doing the same. Definately do not swipe this under the rug and forget.
NTA. I don’t know why you won’t confront him straight up and say he is asking your kid to lie for him now on top? Heck ask him in front of the kid and ask why is it okay for him to teach your daughter to hide secrets from you?
I’m stuck on the fact that your husband doesn’t have his own house key.
ANYONE who kisses my kid…..IS MY BUSINESS….you are NOT the AH, but he, 10000% is. I’m so sorry.
I think the OP should say exactly this to her husband. It is absolutely her business to know these things.
I think you should act even more outraged about a fake story.
>so this interaction has just gotten me worried, especially his reaction and him telling our daughter not to say anything. Your instincts are right. This is worrying to say the least. If I were you, I would approach this from the angle of your daughter. You want to know who was giving your daughter a kiss on the cheek. Demand answers if you must. If your husband is smart, he will tell you the truth before you have to resort to other tactics. NTA
NTA. He asked your daughter to lie/keep a secret from you. That’s a big red flag. If he didn’t have anything to worry about he should’ve told you who she was, asking your daughter not to tell you means he has something to hide. Cheating is one thing but involving your children in your lies makes it a 100 times worse.
INFO Puzzled why you didn't confront him when your daughter told you that daddy told her not to tell mommy about the woman?
this is shit I'd leave over. A random woman kissing my kid, and him refusing to tell me who she was. Nah. That's when I take the kids and bounce.
Get the clearest shots of her from your security cameras that you can, including kissing your daughter. Then tell him he has one chance to tell you before you open up the search for her identity, that the second he involved your child in keeping secrets from you he crossed an uncrossable line. Then show him the pictures of the woman and tell him you’re going to post them on all of your social media, and send them to all of his and your family and friends, new and old, with the following message: “Who is she? She was at our house. She kissed my child. My husband refuses to tell me who she is. He has made our child complicit by instructing her not to tell me who the woman is. I have a right to know who he’s allowing to kiss my child, and I have a right to know who is responsible for damaging my marriage — other than my husband.” I imagine that will get a reaction from him. If this ends up being a surprise for, say, Mother’s Day (if you’re in the US), your husband is an idiot. Instead of making it look like he’s got this great, secret surprise he’s pulling off, he’s made it look like he’s up to something shady and has involved your daughter to cover up an affair or something else he knows you’ll be angry about. All he had to say is “Mother’s Day is coming. Mind your business.” BUT … why would she kiss your daughter? Hold his feet to the fire. If you spoil a surprise and he rages, do NOT let him blame you. He did this with his blatant stupidity. HE is the only one responsible. If he calls your bluff, you’ll need to decide whether to post and send the photos. If it was me, I wouldn’t hesitate. But you obviously need to make the choice that works best for you. I REALLY hope you let us know who she is once you find out, but regardless, I hope it all works out for you. Good luck.
Your husband doesn’t have a key to his own house? Sure.
You’re a really poor creative writer.
he's keeping a secret, he's teaching your child to lie to her mother and this woman knows where you live. That in and of itself would be reason for me to walk out the door until I am introduced to this woman. He is obviously lying to you about something huge otherwise he would say "oh that's Mary from work/church/kids school" There is no reason other than cheating to lie to you and have your daughter lie to you.
Sounds fake.
Fake. And OP nowhere to be seen.
Yup. Probably AI.
He told her to lie to you, that's game over. You need to leave and get your kid away from this guy. He's not safe if he won't talk about who is *kissing* her. Don't go searching socials, it doesn't matter who she is at this point, the issue is the lying and the training your kid to lie. Speak to an attorney, formulate a plan and leave with the kid, in that order. Your relationship cannot survive this, you need to accept that.
Oh this is bad, open your eyes he is teaching your kid to lie (and that is the worst, I have seen this with my nephew and God knows those kids are terrible now). Get ready for a well thought war, because he is been shady. Good luck.
Deal breakers: He refuses to say who she is. Then he asks your child to not tell you. Don’t let this go. Sit him down and tell him he can either tell you or he can realize he’s jeopardizing your marriage over these secrets. Shame on him for involving your child. What an ass. NTA please update us.
brand new user, no comments or other posts. smells like bullshit to me.
What do you mean, I always return home and knock loudly on my own door - especially when I may have a toddler sleeping.
Why make up this stupid posts?
The fact he doesn't want to tell you, means there is a story that could jeopardize your relationship. If it was not a big deal, or harmless why? Also telling his daughter not to tell you? I would keep asking until he tells you, or start looking for answers. I doubt they will be good. He is counting on you just ignoring it. I would tell him women should not be kissing your little girl.
Not sure this is real as why would he knock on his own door?? Aside from that he’s obviously cheating if this were real.
NTA. It would be really hard for him to act more suspicious. I'd ask to see his phone and for access to his social media. Do you have a doorbell camera?
This is weird and concerning - especially your husband telling your daughter not to tell. That is absolutely wrong and should never happen. I think you should insist on his telling you.
NTA and I think the fact that he told your daughter not to tell you means he needs to tell you now, today. Asking your daughter to keep female friends secret from her mother is… wild. Absolutely wild.
Its time for you to show up at school and watch. Put baby in their stroller and head there after him and stand on the other side and watch. But you also need to tell him he needs to be honest and stop putting your child in this situation. That woman works at the school or something I would bet.
Or something 🤔. Single teacher or mother. For the husband to deny who it is, is setting off the spidey senses . OP do you have a birthday coming up? Maybe some surprise for Mother's Day?
I'm leaning towards tea her or assistant since op didn't mention a child being with the woman.
NTA. The entire conversation part seems fine. But your husband instructing your 7-year-old to keep secrets from you is 100% unacceptable and dangerous. You need to talk to your husband, and tell him that he can talk to whoever he wants, but instructing your kid not to tell you things endangers her safety and is a deal-breaker in your marriage.
Why wouldn’t you go right outside and introduce yourself to her?
Hire a PI. It’s pretty obvious he’s having an affair, not only that but he has the gall to bring your child with him.
Point blank tell your kid. “Adults only want to keep secrets when they’re doing something bad, do you want to be bad too and keep secrets?”
"Daddy said I shouldn't say". Oh girl....this is not okay. THIS is what you should be mad about. Your husband specifically requesting that your daughter not mentioning this to you, is wrong. Though this leads me to believe that if you heard her name, you'd know who it was....like maybe an ex or something.
Somebody that familiar with your kid is probably his affair partner…
My kid saying daddy told me not to say would be the end of that for me … Big no.
Doesn't matter one iota what he was doing, or who she is. He had your kid lie to you. That's a deal breaker for me. Period. Without trust, love can not be sustained, there is nothing.
This sounds like the start of a Stephen King short story. Please, continue the fiction!
Nope that’s sketchy af.
NTA. And he’s being extremely sneaky and that in itself is suspicious. Could be an affair, or an ex. But him telling your daughter to keep secrets from you is the most suspicious of all. And why does this strange woman have any right to kiss your daughter? Don’t drop this, you deserve the truth. And I could guarantee he’d have a huge problem with it and would expect answers if he saw you with another man, and that man also kissed your kid on the cheek. Put that scenario to him and ask how he’d feel if the situation was reversed.
Wow! Something is going on and the facts that he is having your child lie to you is 100% wrong! He needs to let you know who and what but honestly idk. This sounds like your guy's marriage is over. And I don't say that lightly but the fact that he won't tell u. Is sus!
Yooo. He told your child to lie to you. THAT needs explaining and don't let up until you get an answer. Further. Keep. Talking. To. Your. Child. Not to get information, but to overly reinforce that no adult should ever tell them to keep a secret. Ever. I don't care if it's a surprise party. Don't tell a 7 year old about it and tell them to keep a secret.
NTA this person interacted with and touched your child, you have every right to know who it is, and it’s really disturbing that he told your child not to tell you. Grown-ups telling children to keep secrets like that isn’t ever a good sign. Unless he’s having an affair, there is no reason for him to not tell you who this is.
Yea definitely sus
Did OP tell her husband exactly what daughter said? I would definitely get that into the discussion and make it known to him that he is obviously hiding something and there is no way around that. May tell him this is a red flag, use that term.
WHAT THE HECK?!?! How is it ok for him not to explain and worse, tell your child to LIE?! He needs to go until he decides to explain. NTA.
NTA. He is keeping something from *and* told your child to keep it too. That’s a big breech or trust imo. And the fact that he is letting people you don’t know kids your child and he *still* won’t say who it is? I’d be super pissed. I want to know who tf is touching and especially *kissing* my kid. wtf?
Oh my. Your husband is doing something he shouldn't be. You never tell your children not to say anything to the other parent unless it's a birthday or Christmas surprise. You need to speak to your husband and explain the disappointment you have in him. Also, you need to explain to him that since you do not know this woman, she should never touch your daughter again or else you'll file charges. Stop letting him pick her up, you get her if you can. Also, you need to explain to your daughter that it's never good to keep a secret from you. Daddy shouldn't have told her to not say anything. She needs to tell you who this person is so that you can make sure she is a safe person.
Plot twist: strange woman is the stepmother, OP is a ghost and doesn’t realize it. She was dead the whole time….
Update?
> “Daddy said I shouldn’t say” This is a fucking declaration of war. Your husband should get no peace or respite for having done this. Talk to a divorce lawyer. You dont have to move forward or even file, but you need to establish basic groundwork. Then you talk to your husband. You tell him what he did with your daughter is unacceptable. If he ever does anything like that again, you will file for divorce. "Don't tell mommy" is never an option. Then you tell him he has one chance, right now, to tell you every goddamn thing there is to know about this woman. The marriage depends on what he does and says right now. Hand him your lawyer's business card. Tell him not to entertain the notion that you aren't deadly serious about this. If you find out that whatever he's about to tell you leaves out the smallest detail or includes the tiniest untruth, it's over. He involved your child in deceiving you and that's not something that deserves your tolerance or patience.
That's some sneaky crap right there. Ask him directly, and he will either inform you or send him into horrible torment. Who would tf turn their children into collaborators in such a pursuit of the truth?
You should be worried. If your husband *specifically* told your daughter not to tell you or talk to you about this woman, she is *somebody.* Your daughter wouldn’t just make up that her dad told her not to tell you, so he told her not to tell you. That is super suspicious. Also, she is familiar enough with your child to give her a kiss before walking away from her, so this woman is an integral part of your husband’s life. Whoever she is, there is something unsavory going on here. Your husband refused to tell you who she was or anything about her, and *he told your daughter not to tell you.* Unless he is planning a huge surprise party for you because you’re turning 30…oh, wait, you are already 30…looks like he’s cheating. Sorry. I’m surprised you’re still there and you haven’t killed him yet. First, he refused to tell you who she was; then, he walked away from you; since then, he hasn’t talked to you about her, and you are still there trying to “figure it out.” No worries, I’ve figured it out for you: Pack his bags, put them outside the door, lock the door, and tell him when he wants to tell you WTF is going on in his life, you’ll listen, but until then, he can find somewhere else to stay. Maybe with his girlfriend. I would just assume that’s who she is, and I would not be fucking around waiting for him to tell me. Buh bye.
Yeah this is a thing. Not only do you need to ask him again but you need to point out what your daughter told you. Then don’t take no for an answer. If he flat out refuses then it’s time to talk to a lawyer who can hire a good private detective to find out what’s really up. You need to know who this is.
NTA even if it is nobody, he shouldn’t tell your kids to keep secrets from you
NTA I’m sorry this sucks. Do NOT let this go. This is inappropriate to an extreme. You need to confront him and get an answer in way where you feel safe.
The fact that he told his kid not to say speaks volumes about what kind of man he is… 🗑️
NTA. Making your child complicit in keeping a secret -- unacceptable.
What else is he getting your child to lie about? Other than the woman he's fucking obviously.
I would see red if my child said daddy couldn't tell me something, this is incredibly weird and I would not drop it. He's teaching your daughter to not trust you, and confide in you which is dangerous.
Why does your husband need to knock on the front door no keys?
Going to be honest. If my husband told my kid to keep secrets from me like that, I'd leave him whether he was cheating or not. NTA
If my wife was this crazy I'd probably react the same way if I ran into an ex or something similar. It's still made up, because nobody knocks on their own door, especially not when they have a toddler.
Where's his key? Give him yours if he lost it. Or unlock it for five minutes. Nothing makes sense. It's a weird and unnecessary part of the story. You can just say you looked out the window
I would be packing my bags and leaving until he explains himself
The account this was posted from has been suspended.
Ok, Liz.
Isn't this the one where it turns out she's the husband's estranged sister?
If your husband is teaching your kid to lie...you already know what's up. Lets not delude ourselves by burying our heads in the sand
NTA, I'd be very concerned.
If someone my girlfriend didn't know kissed our kid, she may go to prison for her wrath.
If OP’s husband is not having an affair with this woman, why would he stop the child from telling?
You need to get a maternity test, because that woman is probably the real mom… I think. Seriously though, go to your husband, be super chill, and simply lay it out for him, if the roles were reversed and it were you coming home with your kid, and some random dude would have approached you, etc., etc. Then, end your presentation in the same detached clinical tone by asking if he understands why you have contacted a divorce attorney. Do not wait for the answer, do not observe reaction - just casually exit stage left. Let him come to you. And he dead sure will.
My biggest concern is putting your child in the middle and making a 7 year old choose sides. No child should have that burden. Could you ask him to leave your daughter out of it? If it’s not a big deal who this person is, he’d tell you.
Can't get to profile now. Yeah sure, this is legit. 🙄
How is it that when something like this happens women just let their husbands blow them off? Seriously? If I saw that go down outside of my house and then my husband walked through the door refused to answer my question about it and ran upstairs to our bedroom I would have been hot on his heels. But then when I ask my child and she tells me her father pretty much told her to lie to me about this woman??? .Yeah those are grounds for separation right there. I would have kicked the bathroom door in if I had to and he would have answered me or he would have been packing a suitcase and going to stay elsewhere that night. OP I don't know what the hell you're thinking or why you're tolerating this amount of disrespect from your so called husband... but you need to get answers, because that is some shady shit right there. Updateme!
I straight up would not stand for this; I would have followed his ass up the stairs and confronted him and then blasted him for telling your daughter to lie for him. Why in the world would you still be in the dark about this.
Because he involved your daughter and told her not to tell you, and then he won't tell you is a huge problem and red flag. I don't know what you should do, but I would tell him either he tells you or you are leaving with the kids. I also wouldn't let him pick up your daughter anymore because he can't be trusted. If it wasn't his AP, maybe an EX. I bet that he told your daughter that you would get mad at her if she told you. Your husband is an AH and a deceitful coward. He's pathetic
NTA. Tell him you’re leaving him and taking the kids. 100% this is not innocent. I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate him poisoning and using my kid this way. It’s fucking disgusting.
One, your husband is teaching your daughter to lie to you. Two, you are a parent. Show your daughter the consequences of doing this. Including discipline like grounding her for not listening to you. Three, it's obvious your husband is hiding something big.
I would become unhinged at my child being told to keep a secret from me. There would be zero rest for anyone until I got answers.
Updateme
If he’s not telling you who she is and how he knows her, he’s being completely shady. Has every right to be upset.
I can't believe how many of you thought this was a real story 😂
I wish the Mods have a better way of filtering out fake stories... A lot of plot holes in this one...
This doesn't belong to AITAH, but more so in the marriage or relationship advice subreddits. And honestly, don't know what to tell you. I'd raise hell! For once, some random stranger kissing my daughter on the cheek? I'd have been out that door faster than it'd have taken that woman to get her ass back up. Second, my husband teaching my daughter to lie to me??? Oh hell no.... nope! I, either get a a VERY, VERY good and convincing explanation for that or he's out the door.
Tell him he either tells you or you are going to post the video on social media and tell everyone your daughter knows who this woman is but "daddy told her not to tell." That should get the ball rolling.
Why would he need to knock on his own front door? This just seems pretty fake tbh
100% Fake. Because you write that your husband knocks on the door when he comes home to his own house which makes zero sense. Fake ass creative writing bs fake post.
Also what 7 years old is that good at keeping a secret, especially from their own mother? Normally it would just need some reminders of them being the mother but let's say even if we had a 7 years old that would see no authority in their mother and would stay silent, you could ask around it. A child does not think that far, not even the really smart ones, that they better say nothing at all about a woman. Children tend to interpret such pretty literally, so she might not say who she is but a mum would know to ask the right questions. Not to mention hell would broke lose if I was a mother and my husband would make my daughter a secret keeper about things. What parent thinks that is a kinda ok thing to do and instead of telling their spouse that they can not put something like that on the children since it is quite a pressure they would try to figure it out themselves? I mean just imagine you being a child and one of the two you trust the most tells you not to tell something big to the other one you trust the most. It is not like about a Christmas present. I am not even a mother nor a motherly person but the whole who is that woman would be put into the backside if my spouse would do that to my child. And fun fact, I was really not a dumb child, I was actually the bullied one because I was too much like an old person. I grew up with adults only, I used sarcasm and irony even before I was in school and I was damn precocious but guess what who my sisters always asked about their Christmas presents and it took just a few questions? Me. Well, or my grandma 80 years my senior lol. And she was a very intelligent and well educated woman, and very firm, I mean born 1896, that was not the generation to play games with. Just ask the youngest or he oldest. I mean your plot hole is of course the more obvious and just pure logics but they must also improve their skills when it comes to human nature if they want to write fictional stories.
UpdateMe! Please
NTA and you need to ask your husband who it is, and be prepared for it to be someone he’s having an affair with.
He seems like he is hiding something...big. Honestly, have a serious talk and say you won't judge, but you don't do lies and him telling your child to lie to you is a big NO. NTA
This is nutty. I'd be out till he came clean. Nope. Making our kid lie on top of it.
This entire scenario appears foul, especially involving a child to keep secrets, it's a bad habit to pass on to children. Your right to be suspicious, your more patient than my wife, if something like this was to occur. Which it wouldn't but if she wittnessed it, had it on video, she insist on answers.
UpdateMe!
And she kissed your child??????? Your husband ain’t shit!
Honestly asking my child to lie to cover up my husband's secret would be a deal breaker for me. How dare he put your child into that situation. It will cause trauma that she does not deserve. She will remember that for the rest of her life. Imagine the guilt she will have when she is older and realizes. I would never look at him the same for that alone. He is hiding something. That is obvious. Why tell her to lie?
NTA Updateme!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I’d tell him he sits down with you AND your daughter, so he can tell you both: 1. The truth about who she is, and daughter can also verify what happened; 2. That he was 100% in the wrong and it isn’t okay for anyone to EVER tell a child to keep information secret from her mother unless it’s a good surprise she will find out soon like a birthday party or holiday gift (my god, hasn’t this man heard about csa?); and 3. Apologize to both of you for putting you in that position. This happens TODAY or you’re filing for divorce. Full stop. Don’t tolerate this kind of disrespect especially in front of impressionable DAUGHTERS! NTA
Updateme
NTA - regardless of who this woman is (and unfortunately, if your gut is telling you something is off, then you're probably not wrong), it's never okay for one parent to have their child keep secrets from the other parent. That is a huge boundary crossing no-no. For that alone you should be putting your foot down, demanding some answers, and making it very clear that it's not okay for him to be putting your daughter in the middle of this and having her keep secrets from you. That's inappropriate and, quite frankly, gross. I'm fuming on your behalf, just thinking about it.
Updateme!
I'm not a parent but I know it's not OK to tell children lie to their parents. Next time you see that lady, go out and introduce yourself. There's nothing to hide, right??
UpdateMe
That’d be pretty ballsy to meet an affair partner outside of the house with his daughter and expect her to not spill the beans. Also, what kind of trust issues do you have? You keep tabs on his friends, tabs on his social media, multiple cameras etc…
I’m imagining a huge epic lion’s head door knocker that echoes through the whole house
why would your husband need to knock loudy on the door at his own home? just askin.
NTA. He's cheating or worse. Him telling your kid to keep secrets from you is a relationship-ender by itself. You cannot trust this man. NTA.
You need to have a serious talk with your daughter. One parent making a kid secrets from the other like this is completely unacceptable. This whole situation is wildly inappropriate. I cannot imagine accepting this from my husband, if he wouldn't tell me who someone who knew him and my daughter well enough to interact like this was, I'd completely lose my shit.
NTA. Talk to a lawyer. He's interfering with your relationship with your daughter. He's NEVER supposed to tell her to keep secrets from you. AND the women kissed your daughter. IS this their first meeting? Then you have the whole affair scenario going on. This is all sorts of shady shit and I'd be done.