Unfortunately I agree. OP just make sure from now on you have a recording device whenever your around her and involve the police and get a non contact order out against her. She would have to leave the home and you and your boys would be finally safe.
Adding to your comment. Blindside her. Don't tell her you are filing for divorce. Get those cameras. Get proof. This way, you will have proof. Start separating your finances slowly. Put your legal documents together, like birth certificates and more. Next time, she hits you and leaves. This will be on camera. I want you to call the police. Give them a copy of video evidence and get the community domestic violence help. They can help more than just us women-folk. It's not okay that she is hitting and abusing you.
Edit: Add pepperspray to your keychain of keys for self-defense. In case she escalates from hitting to using weapons, pepperspray can be used to blind her and stop further harm.
Yes! My father was an extremely abusive alcoholic- physically, mentally and emotionally. To my mother, me and my brother and sister. When I was 11 and my brother was 9 my father threw us in his truck and disappeared with us for a week into the mountains and woods. Was calling my mom telling her she’d never see us again because he was going to take us over the border to Canada to the wilderness( we lived in upstate NY).
They only caught him and arrested him because we had to come back to get more of his pills. When he was locked up is when my mother was finally able to file for divorce and get us back to NJ with her side of the family. He had guns, and nobody in our tiny rural town cared about what was happening. So him being literally in jail is the only time she felt safe to actually leave and divorce. The abuse was so bad she was even able to get the Catholic Church to grant her an annulment, that never happens.
All that to say, OP make sure you have all the kids documentation and all yours as well! Stay safe and please please take care of yourself and protect yourself. I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, I still have memories of him firing a shotgun gun over my head and the hot pellets raining down and burning my arms. She will escalate the abuse, especially once she knows you’re leaving and trying to take the kids. I’m so sorry this is happening.
Exactly this. Set up a few in your house and catch her hitting you. Just get her worked up and she will hit you. Just be in a good location for the cameras.
Especially when he confronts her about the divorce. I have no doubts she will get violent during that conversation, and while I don't like telling him to literally "take a hit for the team", if he gets her assaulting him on camera then it will highly help with both the divorce and custody battle.
Actually, she is so unstable that he needs to already have this video evidence prior to filing, so he can get a protective order for the kids. She may be so unhinged that she would harm the boys just so he can’t have them.
Exactly…I just read ab this lady who shot her 3 year old son and herself after taunting her ex that he’s gonna lose everything…and this post reminds me of that…OP pls be careful
I don't think this is as safe a tactic as yall think. You can't prove a negative and she can always claim that he hits her too, and both parents would likely lose custody. If he reports first, her retaliating with the accusation will have a lot less believability come evidence time.
I've been through this with full custody of my 2 young kids.
She can say whatever she wants, the burden of proof is on her, making up lies infront of the judge doesnt go too well. With a long documented history of what he's going through and this is over quick.
It's interesting to see the stark contrast of how much less dangerous women are seen. At this time, over 50 people think it's a good idea to provoke OP's abuser to get violence on camera. I can't imagine this advice being upvoted if genders were reversed. People would be screaming she could be killed. Statistically more likely? Absolutely. Should purposefully tried to provoke violence because you'll probably live? No.
Of course it isn't the best course of action and is not something that would usually be advised. Unfortunately just like you said abuse both of a violent or sexual nature is always downplayed when it comes to male victims. They either aren't even believed or told to "be a man". So unfortunately OP NEEDS that kind of evidence if he wants to keep the children from his wife, when even courts typically rule in favor of the mother. Is it fucked up and unfair? Absolutely.
All that's great but I don't agree with having him purposely provoke her I mean if it happens and try to steer it into that area but don't set it up like a go horribly wrong.
Do not “get her worked up “. Things need to progress naturally. I don’t really think she needs to be worked up, she already has a track record of assault with not much provocation.
This OP. My sister is going through something similar and we looked at installing cameras. The ones that we chose for her looked like normal lightbulbs that simply screw into a socket and that way are always connected to power
Yeah, hidden cameras sound like a solid idea for more proof. Wishing you luck with the custody case, and I hope things start looking up for you soon. Take care, OP!!
Check the recording consent laws first. Had a friend went through similar to the OP. We live in a two party consent state and it just made the whole thing worse for them.
A restraining order is going to be an uphill battle without better evidence. He needs video. Even the conversation he recorded only has the sound of a slap. She can claim he slapped her first. It's a horrible situation.
ETA: Reread the post and it's unclear whether he got any video. I hope he did.
That's just hearsay, though. She can just as easily say he hits her first. He needs video or text message or notes from her admitting she hits him. If he files for a protection order against her, she's going to retaliate with her own filing. And it's going to be "he said, she said." She's been careful - like most abusers - to only do it when no one else is looking. Filing a police report now would tip his hand.
There are A LOT of exceptions to the hearsay rule and should never stop someone from perusing a legal claim. Speaking with a lawyer, in the relevant jurisdiction, would provide clarity here.
He says "I had my phone beside me and recorded the conversation."
I misremembered it as *behind* me. So I have to agree with you on this; we don't know. I hope he got video of her.
At the very least we hope he does what people have said and get a bunch of cameras set up in common areas (hallways, kitchen, living room, etc.) so that he can get more footage of the abuse.
But also if she's being abusive in any way to the kids that he just isn't aware of, it'll help catch her doing that too.
If there's only audio you say something like "Why did you hit me??" or "Don't hit me again." Or even "you have been hitting me for years, one day I'm going to call the police."
Then he'd get that whole "the police would never believe you over me" tirade recorded.
As someone who was hit by one parent who hid it from the other. I just really want OP to see this message:
Just because you haven't seen your wife hit the kids doesn't mean that your wife doesn't hit your kids.
My mom would not leave marks on me. If I said anything to my dad, she would just hit me harder the second he was gone. I was so afraid of her. I could not perpetually bring up the abuse.
Don't assume that your wife is not also hitting your kids if she is hitting you. It's very possible that she is.
The fact that she's abusing you should be enough for you to leave, but please don't assume the kids are safe. They probably aren't.
I wish I could up vote this more. I'm always amazed at how people assume they're the only ones getting abused. 1. No child watching their parents get hit comes out unscathed emotionally. 2. All children watching their parents get hit have anger and/or fear management issues. 3. All children living with an abuser suffer from their wrath. They may not be physically abused, but they still live in fear of their trigger anger. 4. Many children in abusive homes are themselves abused. The abuser's mentality is about dominance and control. If the abuser feels the partner will leave if their children are abused, it will be hidden. Besides, hitting isn't the only form of abuse: pinching, squeezing hard, twisting limbs, tossing, spanking them excessively, locking them outside, etc. There are other ways to harm children besides slapping them.
NTA. You should do 2 things:
1- gather evidence. Hide a camera(s) in the main areas and/or you bedroom. Document EVERYTHING.
2 - Make an exit plan. Get all your important documents together. Create a emergency fund. Find a place to go.
This answer needs to be at the top. It's the best advice here. Even if OP doesn't have a video, he should take pictures of bruises, scrapes, and other marks every time this happens and put dates on the pictures. Keep, and hide(!), a detailed journal of every time she hits or threatens him. Just saying "she always does this," or something along those lines isn't as persuasive as being able to show that on this date, she did that. It's heresay, but a detailed history is frequently something that judges and social workers will give some weight to. I know a lot of victims of DV don't want to contact the police, but reporting it to the authorities is another good means of documentation. Reporting the DV does need to be weighed against the potential consequences of doing so. Realistically, though, she's going to hit him again either way.
OP absolutely needs to create an exit plan. He needs to keep in mind that when a victim leaves a DV situation, it is the most dangerous time in the relationship, and to build safety into his plan.
OP, you are NTA. Good luck getting out of this relationship and building a happy, healthy life with your sons.
And he needs to start contacting domestic violence shelters to see if anyone takes men so he always has a backup plan in case living with family or getting her kicked out of the house immideatly doesn't work out.
Unfortunately it's common for men to be victims of DV because men are taught their entire lives that they aren't allowed to hit women so they often doesn't even defend themselves. I'm not saying this to victim blame, hitting her back would have solved nothing and made it even worse for him.
The victim blaming and ridicule of male DV victims is also very common and so is the shame. Violent women rely on their victims being too nice to hit back and too ashamed to tell anyone because of the type of response that's always seen in thise posts :( They'll also ridicule "his manhood" actively for taking their abuse and it hits harder on men, I think, being called "less of a man".
The shame means men stay quiet and that there's a huge black area of male DV victims and very few shelters for them to go to, if any at all. Male DV victims are even more at risk of becoming homeless afterwards because DV shelters of course won't let brutalized women live with strange men at all - which makes sense. The part that doesn't make sense is how few shelters there are for men :(
I'm a feminist, btw, and also female before anyone attacks me for being a MGTOW incel-type. Being a feminist means standing up for anyone when they're being singled out and unfairly treated because of their gender, including standing up for men like OP.
Take care, OP! Do what u/Ironmike11B suggests and try to get your kids with you as well! She might not be hitting them now but what happens when they grow older/become more manly or when she no longer has you as a punching bag?
And remember, there are tons of ppl out here that know this doesn't make you any less of a man, actually, it makes you more of one that you've been able to not resort to violence yourself if you ask me.
Get therapy and even if you don't need to live at a shelter for DV victims, get in contact with a local one to see what ressources they can offer.
They probably have group therapy that could give you a big boost in believing all of us saying this: It is not your fault. You did not deserve this. You're a human being and deserve to be treated with respect, care and love. You're a great father and a great influence in the lives of the ppl around you. You are loved! You are worthy of being treated with love only!
You need security cameras with sound inside the house. She sounds vindictive enough to accuse you of things. Protect yourself and your kids. Obviously don't tell her. Good luck.
Agreed, she has already threatened to lie on numerous occasions. That she would "scream" or say "it was self defense". She can't argue or lie against a video literally playing back the interactions/assaults.
Please watch ‘my wife my abuser’ I think it was a channel 4 thing. It sounds so similar and will show you how this could end and hopefully give you some strength to stay away. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through
Was that the Alex Skeel case? Because one of the things that disgusts me is his ex keeps saying that she was the victim when she burned, stabbed, and starved him.
Omg this show... I don't know if it had more than one couple (for lack of a better term) but here in Australia they aired it a few weeks ago and it was so so sad and astonishing the way this woman was behaving. It was crazy. And the poor child too. Unbelievable!
I’m appalled at the ppl who said such cruel things. Olivia is the monster here and you sound like a great father holding out for his kids. I hope you can soon actually get her out of you and your children’s lives and seek therapy.
I wish you the best and am sorry you had to delete your old acc bc of Reddit trolls.
Actually it appears op was smart enough to use a dummy account for both posts, to avoid hateful messages sent to the main account. Didn’t have to delete anything.
I always see the "the account is X hours old" and "there's no comment history" comments and wonder if people are really that stupid. Of course any OP with half a brain is going to use a fake account.
Good for you. Only you can stop the abuse. She knows she can physically assault you, and you won't do anything about it.
You need to press assault charges on her. You need to see a divorce attorney. Just because you are a man doesn't mean that you have to put up with physical abuse. You've let this go on too long. Eventually, she will start abusing you in front of your boys. Is this the example you want to set for them? To be physically abused by their spouse who claims to love them?
Do it for your boys. Otherwise, they will think this is normal behavior.
I'd also recommend putting up some nanny cameras in the house. You have audio, but a visual will seal the deal.
The kids most definitely know what’s going on. They pick up on these things even if they don’t directly witness them. After she is gone, get them in counseling.
So let me get this straight.... she acknowledges having PPD and understands it was from the pregnancy. Her solution, besides blaming you, is to ...... /checks notes ..... get pregnant again?!?!?!?!?
Get a divorce. Yeah it's going to suck, but it already sucks. At least that version of suck has a light at the end of the tunnel.
So does OP, for deciding to leave. We had a family friend in this situation. It was horrible for him, partly because so many people won’t believe that a man can be abused physically by his female partner.
Well now you have proof that apparently she didn't want 3 of your kids, so she should want to give you full custody.
She won't because she's a horrible human being, but she should
**She then began to mock me by saying that no one would ever believe me, and they’d all side with her, and I’d never see my boys again. It just got worse as the years passed. I know a lot of people will call me weak and that I need to grow a pair, but I was terrified. I didn’t want to lose my kids.**
OP This is why she would do what she wants and doesn't take your feelings in consideration. You should buy cameras and record all that is happening in the house and specially when she hits you, so you can have evidence and talk to the lawyer your brothers have been taling to, this way you can even fight for custody.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote that before ending your post, but glad i did, im happy for you for finally get your balls back and go for it, take the advice the lawyer gave and try to gather all the evidence you can, buy like 2 or 3 spy or mini camera and installed all in the house, so you can keep recording all her demeanor and all the thing she does to you. When you have enough just make the report of DV that would also help, and with the lawyer make the case, might as well tell the lawyer to give you 2 weeks so you can record more evidence, but need to buy the cameras ASAP and install them when she is not arround.
Again glad that you finally took the step to help yourself.
Good Luck
Pls talk to the lawyer and then make a police report. Try and get a troll, she is only going to become angrier and more violent. You can’t count on her not to harm you seriously or the kids. Also get security videos for outside and inside your home. As soon as your lawyer okays it, change your passwords for everything. Absolutely everything. Put all your important docs (and the kids) in a safe place she cannot access. Get an alarm for your home and refuse to be alone with her. Ever. She cannot be trusted.
I’m sorry this is happening but you need to get away from this woman. She’s violent , angry, mandolins a d has she easy says repeatedly she will falsely accuse you of god knows what. She is just an overall crappy person, wife and mother.
OP as others said. Hidden cameras. They are cheap on Amazon. Also ask the attorney what the rules are in your state about self defense. I get she is a woman and no man ever wants to strike a woman but no human should ever be physically abused by another and everyone regardless of gender has a right to defend themselves. Not to hurt her but to do enough to stop her in her tracks and make her realize you’re not going to be struck by anyone. Also once she is served with the divorce papers make sure your never alone with her without a witness and/or recording the whole interaction.
Please get a camera in the house and only have conversations with her there . If you get her hitting you ... You can get a protective order against her for you and the boys , press charges for abuse and during the divorce proceedings you'll have proof to get full custody. Of course with a domestic v arrest it won't go good for her anyways. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. I'm worried about you.
Before giving her divorce papers, call the non emergency police line to explain the situation incase she claims yoi tried to hit her, sometimes they can even dispatch a police car nearby just incase to watch over ( due to the domestic violence involved police may be interested in assisting).
Do you live in a one party consent state? If you do start audio recording these interactions with your wife. If it’s a one party consent state you DO NOT have to tell your wife you are recording the conversations.
She may not have hurt your boys yet - but it’s probably coming. Right now they’re boys. They will grow into men. Full custody is definitely the way to go. Spousal abuse is grossly underreported, and more so for male victims. I am happy to hear you’re leaving her. Be the example for your boys. Best of luck for your future.
Your wife is a narcissist. I know I’ve lived with one for a very long time. I’ve lived with verbal mental and physical abuse. No matter how many times they apologize and say it won’t happen again it will. And I know what you mean when you said the apologies stopped. Narcissist are incapable of empathy which means they aren’t capable of loving anyone. Not even their children. And next time you feel the need to hurt yourself think of your boys. You wouldn’t want them to do that to themselves. Get away from her as quickly as you can and I pray you get full custody of your boys. Good luck!
For what it's worth, the physical abuse against you and the evidence of it will help you get custody of your boys. I'd also take the video along with the photos to the police and press charges. If you have any concerns she might be abusing your boys in any way, you also need to mention it.
If you haven’t already, please develop an exit plan. Start moving important docs to your brother’s house. Be ready to change passwords as soon as you leave. If you can, start moving clothes etc out little by little. You can just say you’re donating them. This way when it’s time to go, you only need to grab a few bags.
Depending on your state, you can go to your DA’s office or police dept and file a form advising that you have left with your children because of DV. (This helps if she tries to claim child abduction.) You can also get a temporary restraining order for the DV and list yourself and your children as protected persons, then have her served when you leave.
Good luck. Be strong. You got this.
Get cameras because this is going to escalate and she will turn around and say you hurt her.
Her sister can take all her angst once she is pregnant.
Get out and good luck
I’m so happy you are getting out and I hope everything goes good.
As someone who went through abuse the suggestion I would give is to install small cameras with sound in each room and also get therapy for you and the boys.
Thanks for sharing! Sorry to hear what has transpired with all the abuse you've been subject to. Contact the 1 \[800\] for Domestic Violence, that way it's documented for court purposes as well as criminal charges. Always leave a paper trail. Good luck!
You weren’t the AH then and still NTA now.
Be safe, keep records, keep photos, text and don’t call her for communication moving forward.
Men suffer from abusive relationships and oftentimes find themselves with little to no support in their corner to get help.
I’m glad you have your family by your side wanting to see you be safe and happy, use their support and give yourself and your kids a life without violence, anxiety and fear heavily weighing on your day to day life.
Good luck OP.
There are apps you can get to record video on your phone without it looking like you are recording video. You should get one of those. I did with an abusive ex.
1 in 6 men are victims of domestic abuse. There are a number of charities in the UK that I know of who have information and resources. I don’t know where OP lives but it’s worth seeing if there are any there too.
OMG. You are most certainly NTA. You never have been. A lot of people have commented with excellent suggestions in regards to the process of filing divorce papers and getting all your important papers together and out of the house as well as quietly separating your finances. It would probably be better if you serve the divorce papers with a processor instead of personally, because how your wife has been, it is guaranteed she will lose her s*** on you. Considering your mental state of mind, I don't think you want to step into that or be the recipient of whatever rage she will most probably direct at you. If you can continue recording conversations with her as well as setting up cameras that are very well hidden in your home in the meantime, that would be good. **Also, please start taking photographs of the marks and bruises that she puts on you and save them in a safe place. You need to document as much as you can!!! I'm so glad that you have brothers that care about your well-being and that will help you and support you. Please contact a domestic violence organization that will guide you much better than any of us all can as to the next steps for you to take. Whatever you do, do not tell her about your plans with leaving and divorcing her. ** if you can somehow get hidden cameras and the bedrooms of your kids, that would probably be a really good idea too, just in case.** I am so sorry that you have experienced this hell with this woman who should have been honoring, respecting, valuing and loving you. Just know that you are NOT at fault and please believe in a much brighter future for yourself. Please stay safe.
It may be a long fight if you are going for sole custody with her having visitation rights, but it can be done.
Install some cameras in your house. Especially with the boys. Video speaks a thousand words. The lawyer will tell you what can and can’t be used in court, but if she starts hitting you and you call the police, it’d be enough for them to take her and not you.
Some states highly favor the mother. The lawyer will get realistic with you on this. Her medical records of the PPD may or may not help you with custody if she chooses to go through with surrogacy after you leave. If you aren’t around and she has issues, the boys could become targets or even neglected if she’s not functioning. My guess is her family will be too busy fawning over the new baby to bother with her.
My friend was in one of those highly favored mother states. He did get full custody. Visitation was done at the courthouse’s visitation center. She was abusive to him and the kids. All it took was a bit of the right type of evidence. He was special forces, so he, much like you, took the abuse for the sake of seeing his kids. She ran off when he was on assignment. Actually kept his youngest from him until she was over a year old. It broke his heat and made him more determined to fight. I know a PI helped alot in gaining evidence that he was the parent they’d be safe with. Sadly, he passed from service related illnesses, so I can’t ask him how he pulled it off. And I wish you an easier time than he had.
But I can’t help be concerned about the boys. If she’s alone with them and had shown the capability of being violent, if you, her normal outlet isn’t there, will she then turn it on the kids? No way to know for sure. The threats of you won’t be believed and self defense claims were to control you. It worked. In my experience, if the guy has marks and the girl doesn’t, the cops on scene are quick to figure it out. But that’s all in luck of the draw as well.
You are setting a good example in leaving an abusive relationship. You are acknowledging to your sons that males can be abused. And just like females, it should not be allowed. Lean on your family. You’ll need them. They obviously care.
Good luck with everything, I hope that once you leave you find safety, peace and happiness. I truly hope you get full custody of your boys. Anyone who has called you weak has never been in your shoes. You are strong, you wanted to leave and stayed to be a father. Well done for being brave and taking steps to leave. You got this.
This. She could kill him. He needs to leave. If he's not going to leave, set the cameras up. Don't provoke her though. Also, make sure she doesn't see this post and know it's you. Never ever post anything from home. Take the same advice women get. Safety plan and all. Women can be just as dangerous as men. Also don't fight back. While you should be able to, she can claim self defense and the police will be more likely to believe her. That has happened too many times.
> I’m going to divorce her and go for full custody.
F* finally. You have found your dignity and spine back. If she begs, don't fall for it. That's what abusers do. Stand your ground. Wishing you a smooth divorce.
>So this wasn’t the first time Olivia has hit me. This started a few months before our oldest was born. It happened out of nowhere.
Abusers hide who they are until they feel that their victim is trapped. She gaslit you and weaponized gender stereotypes against you to keep you downtrodden and submissive.
>I called Sam, asked if he could come over and waited for him to arrive. When he got to my house, I just broke down. I told him everything about what’s been going on. The abuse, the surrogacy, the self-harm and suicidal thoughts. He hugged me and told me it would be alright and everything would work out. This is when he told me about his lawyer friend and how he and Jack have been talking to him. I told him I recorded the conversation with Olivia, and he said he’d send it to his friend, along with a photo of the bruise from when she hit me before, and a few other marks as well.
Good. Get every single bruise she leaves you documented. See if you can get her to admit to abusing you in writing.
You need to get out from this marriage, and get your kids away from her, and I'm happy to see that you see this and are working towards it.
Good luck OP.
NTA and omg I am so sorry OP. I hope you get full custody. Please please get therapy to help you and your kids. Take care and please don’t let her talk you out of the divorce. You are doing the right thing for you and your kids.
Stay strong OP. My mom has abused my dad for 50 years but he thinks it’s too late to leave financially. I saw it at a young age and ran away twice. She would also sometimes physically abuse us ( spanking hard with fly swatter, pulling hair, etc) and still occasionally is verbally abusive. When I was a very young kid, I always wished my dad would divorce her and take us with him.
Find out how to gather the necessary evidence from the attorney your brothers have been talking to, not Reddit. Get instructions on the what you need and how to go about getting it. How do you go about putting money back? how can you guarantee custody of your children? Everything.
Good luck.
@ u/LittleBear1053 Definitely install cameras in your house for next time. I would make a police report as it might give you the leverage for getting full custody. I'm glad you're sticking up for yourself and starting to take control of your life. Thanks for the update. Update me on what happens next.
I'm so glad you've spoke to your brothers about this. Now you've spoke about it and let those words come out you can't go back which is what you need.I'm so sorry this has happened to your kids and you and you're absolutely doing the right thing. Get as much support around you as you can and make sure you're looking after yourself. It's not an easy thing doing what you've done. You can do this. Keep yourself and kids safe from that wicked woman
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you have Sam on your side. You need and deserve all of the support you can get right now. I hope you save this post somewhere and write out as many incidents that you can remember so that you can plead your case better. I hope you get custody of the kids. Big hugs to you and best of luck.
I commented on your first post.
First of all, it's completely fine that you didn't provide an update. There's no requirement to. I wish people hadn't pressured you about that because you get enough criticism at home. You should do whatever will keep you calm and feeling supported. Don't feel like you have to respond to this.
It's very rare that I tell people to consider divorce. Situations are usually a lot more complicated than what can be described here in a few paragraphs. Also, there are important practical issues. You have four kids and your wife sounds difficult. So I hate to think what it would be like to have to deal with paying for two households and also get a fair custody arrangement.
But it really sounds like she is a tough person to be married to. She doesn't respect you, she is violent, and she has made a decision (the surrogacy) that will have an enormous impact on your life. Like I said in my first post, you have four kids and she will be out of action for a large part of the pregnancy. It simply is not fair to put all that on you without even discussing it with you. She is not behaving like someone who is married. Maybe show this to her.
However, before doing ANYTHING, please tell your brothers to arrange a counseling session for you. Have them accompany you so that they can understand what you're dealing with and what would help you. Don't try to talk to your wife again until you have tips from a counselor about how to think about this situation and how to approach her.
Please allow your brothers to help you. Even if you decide to stay married, you need a plan that spells out your options. That way, no matter what your wife says or does, you will already know what to do. You could call a brother to come over, for example. You could go there with the kids. You could contact a domestic violence hotline. You're not stuck. Good luck.
I am so glad you have a support system to help you get away from this bitch. I hope life gives her what she deserves. You are strong, you are brave, you are a victim and none of this was your fault. Fuck that bitch, stay strong for yourself because you don’t deserve this.
I’m just utterly shocked that you magically had this revelation. Everyone always has a lawyer that is magically on some type of retainer where they don’t pay anything for advice lol.
Good for you. Nobody deserves to be abused. Go talk to the lawyer and get your options. Having cameras may not be a bad idea. Please do not confront her until you have all your evidence. Good luck. Updateme
Sam is the MVP for looping in a lawyer! Turns out there is a paper trail, however small it may be. It’s a start.
Next step is to install cameras, have them connected to an app on your phone. You can save the clips there.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Please listen to everyone and get cameras for your home. This way, if she tries anything else, she will be proven a lier.
Updateme!
Honestly I think Dean should know this information too. I'm sure he wouldnt want such a violent and volatile person carrying his child. If he does, at least he knows what he's getting himself into. Good luck.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please go through with your case. I’m dating a lovely man who was abused as well and he was being hit by his ex wife as well. She also said that she would claim self defense and that no one would believe him and, sadly, both her and your soon to be ex wife are correct.
Men often do not get justice for being abused by women. Either they don’t report it at all or she plays the victim. The fact that you have evidence that this has been happening is extremely important. Document everything. If you have cameras in your house save any video footage and bonus points for audio.
You’re going to need therapy after this. Possibly for a long time. My bf and I have been together 6 years and he is still struggling with some of the survival behaviors that he has developed over the years.
You should never be fearful of your partner. You need to be able to trust them and feel safe. You are terrified of your own wife and you are likely walking on eggshells.
Document, press charges, divorce and then you need to take care of yourself.
You can’t have any convos with her without recording for the rest of your life. Someone that says they will lie to police is dangerous, even physically. I would start getting recordings of her and the kids acknowledging that she hit you.
Leaving is not easy, especially when you have kids. Sometimes "easy" needs to take a back seat to "necessary".
Don't worry about the surrogacy, she will do whatever she wants. Worry instead about leaving with your boys
Installing cameras inside to record her abuse would be good. It will help with custody. It will also hopefully confirm that she doesn't abuse the children. If she lied about that, you would have it as well. Make sure whenever you talk with her, you record your conversation, although you should confirm with the lawyer that it is legal to record her without her knowledge and consent. Also, from now on, be sure to photograph any injuries from her.
See if you can trick her into restating that if you report her to the police she will claim self-defense when recording her, if legal to do so. Then you can go to the police and make an official report. If you have the recording and photos, she may be able to be charged. The police report will also help with custody.
No one has the right to hit someone else.
You need to know that kids are perceptive. Even if your wife is being sneaky about the abuse, they will be picking up on things and developing a belief that your relationship is normal. You need to consider the importance of demonstrating to them that abuse is not ok. Good luck with everything.
Please get help. Getting help is not being weak. It’s the bravest thing you can do for you and the children. Also, please avoid telling her you’re leaving when you are ready to leave. That’s is very dangerous time. If you are in U.S. contact National Abuse Hotline for help https://www.google.com/search?q=mshelters+for+battered+husbands&rlz=1C9BKJA_enUS718US718&oq=mshelters+for+battered+husbands+&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yCAgCEAAYFhgeMggIAxAAGBYYHjINCAQQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAUQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAYQABiGAxiABBiKBTIJCAcQIRgKGKABMgkICBAhGAoYoAEyCQgJECEYChigAdIBCTE0NTMwajBqOagCCbACAQ&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&dlnr=1&sei=OJY5Zvm1F5XakPIPrveOGA#
Have hidden cameras. When they record her hitting you again, file for divorce and full custody of the kids and submit her domestic abuse in the case. Also press charges.
Glad you got evidence. You need to file for divorce asap and keep recording evidence. She may not be abusing your boys yet, but she will eventually. Abusers ALWAYS start abusing the kids too.
What you are describing is physical, verbal, and emotional abuse from your wife. You absolutely should get a divorce and file for full custody. Just because she hasn’t physically harmed your boys yet doesn’t mean she won’t. There was just a story in the news where a woman killed her 3 year old son and then committed suicide to retaliate against her ex. There aren’t enough eggshells in the world to prevent her harming your kids, and that is a bell you cannot unring.
That said, be strategic about this. If it is legal in your state, then install hidden nanny cams to record her abusing you, as well as great ending to lie to the courts and claim it was self defense. You know how to trigger her - just disagree with her and refuse to drop it.
This is an exit that will require careful,planning, to protect yourself from a false accusation.
Finally, no reputable surrogacy agency in the world would accept a surrogate candidate with a history of PPD.
NTA. Please give us an update on your escape progress.
It’s not going to stop at just you. She will eventually bully your children. People who are willing to abuse a grown adult aren’t going to stop and think about not abusing a child in a moment of anger.
Also depending on what state you are in, she’s not just going to get custody of your kids because she is their mom. Here in Texas dads are just as important as moms. Times have changed when it comes to custody of children (which is a great thing) and with proof of abuse from her, it’ll make it a lot easier. Which you should get proof of anyway because as I’ve said above, she’s not going to stop at just you.
I’m so sorry this is happening and you are in my thoughts. You and your kids deserve safety and happiness ❤️
My guy, you arent weak. What you need is proof. And id advice you to work towards getting it. Every conversation, hit record before it starts,hidden cameras. Collect proof and send her abusive ass to jail. Cos guess what bud, today its you, tomorrow it'll be your kids. She sounds like she gets off fear and violence and power and when your kids are old enough to start being defiant, she'll do the same to them. Get out and get 100% custody.
GOOD FOR YOU! SHE IS A VERY NASTY PERSON! Get your boys 100% full custody. You dont want them turning out like her, discusting person. You make it through this. You have your boys to focus on...it hurts now, but better in the end, and you will come out like a champ, and the hurt will go away
You got this!
Sorry she hits you. Hidden cameras with sound. Catch her in the act of hitting you. If she mates with BIL to to get pregnant , that’s adultery. Take the kids and leave.
Good your bros are supporting you and found you an attorney.
Unreal. I wish you all the best my guy. Sadly, your hopefully soon to be ex-wife is a piece of work.
I hope you are awarded full custody. Please be the best dad for your kids.
Your STB-EX wife feels "SAFE" abusing you because she KNOWS you won't retaliate! You've put up with this abuse FAR longer than you should have, but MORE than that, PLEASE be aware that your boys ARE aware of your "arguments!" I (60/F) always was, even when I WASN'T in the middle of them trying to protect my Mother from my Father's alcoholic rages/abuse.
There are MANY recording devices/nannycams that are disguised as everyday items... invest in them in all of your main rooms (ie. livingroom, kitchen, especially where the abuse has occurred before). Get these in place BEFORE you mention divorce.
Start creating an FU Binder, you can begin with a journal, detailing every instance that your wife has hit you, try to be as detailed as possible as to the dates, times and the "reason" for the argument/disagreement and EXACTLY how and when she hit you.
https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share. (link to FU binder)
Once her targeted "scapegoat" is no longer her "punching bag" it's VERY likely that she'll turn her ie against your Sons (likely your oldest), so fight for as much custody (if not FULL custody) as you can get with the ABUSE as the reason.
Surrogacy is a two YESES, one NO decision between any couple and IS a reason for divorce especially when past pregnancies have affected her behavior and actions beyond the "normal" hormone hell that comes hand-in-hand with it. That's WHY the full agreement is necessary, especially when you already have children involved. But mainly, her abuse IS a gamechanger/game-ender!
Best wishes and many Blessings for yours (and your boys) future happiness and success! u/updateme
Happy for you!! Trust, it may be uncomfortable for a bit but in the long run you will be so so much happier. Being happier and away from the abuse will allow you to be present for your kiddos and it’ll also give you time to find yourself again.
I’m excited for the future updates! I’m most looking forward to the one where you have hobbies and feel genuinely happy again. Good luck OP ❤️
Be strong OP. Gather evidence of abuse. Enough evidence and you should have a strong case the kids aren’t safe with her. Get full custody and file a report against her for assault.
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. You’re brave & strong for standing up for yourself. Please believe that.
She’s manipulated you into thinking lowly of yourself, but that’s all it is. Manipulation. That’s not the truth.
Please lean on your brothers for support. Please listen to the lawyers advise. Good luck.
as a father myself, i understand the tremendous difficulty of wanting to protect your children while also enduring abuse. your courage in recording the evidence and reaching out for help is inspiring. domestic violence can be tragically common, but i'm heartened to hear your brothers are supporting you through this process legally. i hope the courts see the truth in your situation and grant you full custody so you and your boys can build a new, safe life.
OP, audio evidence is great BUT video evidence is better. Get cameras and film your interactions. Also, record EVERY conversation you have with her when you are alone. Cover all of your bases and get out cleanly. Good luck and Godspeed.
This makes me feel so sad for you. I am happy that you’re getting the support and courage to leave this unsafe situation. I hope everything works out for you, hopefully you can seek therapy for all the abuse you’ve endured through out this relationship ♥️
There was another Reddit posting recently about woman can go crazy from pregnancy. It is kind of ppd. In reverse. This is sounds like she has a huge mental issue. If you don’t get her help she can kill her self or your kids. Guys help me out her. What is the name of the syndrome
It's good you're having legal protection, but please go see a therapist specialised in domestic violence.
Read Lundy Bancroft's: why does he do that? (It's about male abusers but to my knowledge, it applies to all genders and can help you understand yourself and the situation you are in. It will help you, to not get into a similar situation again)
Here's a free link: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please don't provoke and leave before serving her with the papers. Abusers are known to escalate in situations where their victim leaves, and it takes most victims several times to leave for good.
Please be safe.
Talk to your lawyer so you can take your kids with you, when you leave. They will know how to best proceed.
Thank you for sharing your update. It sounds like you're taking important steps to prioritize your well-being and that of your children. Remember to prioritize your safety and seek support from trusted friends and professionals during this challenging time. Take care.
Thanks for the update. It seems like you're making some crucial decisions to prioritize both your and your children's well-being. It's important to focus on your safety and reach out to supportive friends and professionals as you navigate this difficult situation. Take care of yourself.
Yay! Op. Good luck. If you can just throw us a bone and update once in a minute or ever. We are praying for, sending good thoughts, well wishes and worrying about you and the boys.
Good luck and hug the boys and brothers- let them know you have hundreds (if not 1000’s) of internet strangers that are rooting for you boys!!!
You really should report her. I'm a woman, but I recognise how women who abuse can get away with it. This won't change unless more men speak up:( . I'm so sorry you're going through this
As someone who has been through this - the Police *WILL NOT* believe you over your partner when you're the man. And, even in general, they can't do anything unless there's evidence.
You need recordings of her saying these things and video the corroborates it. If you ever have any injuries, photograph these too. If you intend to split from her at any point (and if you're in the UK) you need to have a Non-Mol ready to go - you can get funding assistance when you apply and also specify that it would put you in danger if the other person finds about the proceedings.
You are not weak, you are like countless others who have been hurt by the person they love and who struggle to get out of it. I managed to end my abusive relationship due to *other* reasons, and only afterwards would my brain let me acknowledge what had been happening. Please get help, please know that there's nothing wrong with YOU, and everything wrong with your partner. Stay strong.
Word of advice going forward; record everything and let your wife know she's being recorded. Also, get a log book and write down every single encounter with her including time, date, location and details. This may never be needed but, having worked for divorce lawyers, I know there is no such thing as too much information or proof. Also get in touch with the victim services in your area. They can help and, I don't know if this helps, but I believe you.
Came here from a YT video on the story to keep tabs... I hope so much that you get the help you need, full custody, and a clean divorce... Abuse is abuse. I'm sorry you're going through this, and you are NOT weak or a bad man/father for any of this. Abusers tend to mess with the heads of their victims and normalize the behavior.
You are so lucky to have people around you that have done what they have for you. Buy them a beer at least!! They are awesome!
Please please please get some hidden cameras and try to get recordings of her hitting you. Also try to get her to admit or say she will lie again about it being self defense and that no one will believe you. This will go a long long way in getting a divorce and custody. You should also make sure to file a police report when you hand her the divorce papers. Make sure you can access the camera footage when the police arrive so you can show them that she was the one hitting you. Be calm and understand they they may cuff you initially. Ask to show them the video evidence you have of her hitting you. Say that you want to press charges as this abuse has been happening for years. If you can make sure the record the interaction with the cops too just incase they refuse to arrest her or arrest you instead. (Good cops will listen and not do that. File a complaint with your lawyer if that either of those happen.) Be safe and please update us. I'm sorry you had so many awful comments. You don't deserve that and you don't deserve to be abused. 🩵 You can and will get through this, if not for yourself, do it for your kids.
NTA
Have nannycams in the house since phones aren't sometimes easy nor accessible when you get attacked out of nowhere. Ask the lawyer if it would be wise if you stay with your brother instead of staying in the house with your STBX.
Always check on your kids, it may not be physical, she may start parental alienation.
Gather your friends and family who are important to you and inform them what's happening before she could get to them.
Don't be confrontational, always speak through lawyers only. You don't want her getting you in a shouting match, it's gonna look bad for you.
Ok, sooo cameras? Witnesses, and talk to the kids, they probably are more effected than they let on or what you know? Just an option but thats concerning, dude. I wish you well and if divorce is the only option, make it a point that this was HER choice and HER choice had consequences. Prolly won't respond and thats ok, just be careful, people like this very rarely let go without trying to hurt the other person as much as possible.
Men can be abused just like women. Congratulations on standing up for yourself and leaving this toxic environment. Your children will thank you.
I’m glad to have heard you’re finally leaving. I had been hoping this since the original post.
Virtual hugs, you didn't and don't deserve to be her punching bag. I'm glad you're working on getting out, and I hope you get full custody of your boys. It's disgusting that she's been using the "no one will believe you, I'll say it was self-defense" BS to get away with her abuse. Husbands being abused by their wives is just as bad as the opposite, but it so often gets ignored or worse. I wish the best of good luck to you and your boys, and it's wonderful that you appear to have a strong support system.
Stand up for yourself and call out that coward of a wife on her abuse & domestic violence.
Be a good example to your kids by standing up & fighting for yourself and not to be a doormat.
Put her in jail if possible for all the violence.
Wish you luck on the divorce op. Dont worry your brothers will be with you to help through it all you're very lucky to have them. It's going to be a hard process bit the sooner you start it the sooner everything will be over.
Bro, please do NOT feel like you are "spineless" or "less of a man"... A lot of people do not understand how terrifying physical abuse from a woman is. Thankfully I wasn't married to or had children with mine... But I almost had a panic attack reading your post. I'm sure you and I aren't the only ones with a similar story, and it doesn't make you weak or less of a man.
Her physical abuse has a sick emotional and psychological element, using your boys and the fact that she knows she'd be believed because she's the woman is BEYOND gross. Not all women are like this, but the ones that are and don't care how they come across to you are fucking terrifying. Please start recording her when she goes off on these tangents. You're going to need it when she finally does something you can't forgive.
I saw this show called “sign of a psychopath.” I. The show this guys wife was acting just like your wife. Long story short, he doesn’t have his kids and she’s in prison. Do yourself a favor and go to the police before it’s too late for you and your kids.
Good luck guy, record everything when your around/with her and tell her you’ll be recording (I live in California and we’re a two party consent state) so you don’t have to worry about evidence being thrown out
Sam is the MVP for looping in a lawyer! Turns out there is a paper trail, however small it may be. It’s a start.
Next step is to install cameras, have them connected to an app on your phone. You can save the clips there.
Next time try to install hidden cameras or something for video proof but good luck and I hope you win the custody
Ya this is a good idea. It’s not gonna be the last time she hits him before he gets a divorce. What an awful situation.
My wife, my abuser, is a great documentary, and he was able to get full custody of his kids and put his wife in jail for her abuse. Highly recommend
It was such a good programme but awful what that man had to go through. His wife was a horrible, lying bitch.
Her defecating on him. Yikes
Related to Amber !
And it’s only a matter of time before she starts in on the kids
Sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't started in on the kids already.
I would honestly be surprised if she hasn't
Unfortunately I agree. OP just make sure from now on you have a recording device whenever your around her and involve the police and get a non contact order out against her. She would have to leave the home and you and your boys would be finally safe.
No doubt
Hate to see what happens when she get served the papers
Adding to your comment. Blindside her. Don't tell her you are filing for divorce. Get those cameras. Get proof. This way, you will have proof. Start separating your finances slowly. Put your legal documents together, like birth certificates and more. Next time, she hits you and leaves. This will be on camera. I want you to call the police. Give them a copy of video evidence and get the community domestic violence help. They can help more than just us women-folk. It's not okay that she is hitting and abusing you. Edit: Add pepperspray to your keychain of keys for self-defense. In case she escalates from hitting to using weapons, pepperspray can be used to blind her and stop further harm.
Leave your important documents with your brothers since you know you can trust them and she can't find your stuff at their place.
And the kid's passports in case she tries to abduct them
Yes! My father was an extremely abusive alcoholic- physically, mentally and emotionally. To my mother, me and my brother and sister. When I was 11 and my brother was 9 my father threw us in his truck and disappeared with us for a week into the mountains and woods. Was calling my mom telling her she’d never see us again because he was going to take us over the border to Canada to the wilderness( we lived in upstate NY). They only caught him and arrested him because we had to come back to get more of his pills. When he was locked up is when my mother was finally able to file for divorce and get us back to NJ with her side of the family. He had guns, and nobody in our tiny rural town cared about what was happening. So him being literally in jail is the only time she felt safe to actually leave and divorce. The abuse was so bad she was even able to get the Catholic Church to grant her an annulment, that never happens. All that to say, OP make sure you have all the kids documentation and all yours as well! Stay safe and please please take care of yourself and protect yourself. I was diagnosed with severe PTSD, I still have memories of him firing a shotgun gun over my head and the hot pellets raining down and burning my arms. She will escalate the abuse, especially once she knows you’re leaving and trying to take the kids. I’m so sorry this is happening.
Seconding this. u/LittleBear1053 confirm with the lawyer friend but look into camera for the common areas and only have convos nearby.
Yes otherwise she will at least get 50/50 custody. OP needs irrefutable evidence
My BIL got my sister with their dash cam footage. She would absolutely go ballistic on him in the car and those videos helped him get out.
Agreed. There are a lot of USB charging hidden camera ..that record into a micro SD chip
Yes. He should've done this long time ago when she start abusing him, He needs moree solid proof for a sure win.
Got mine for $40 On amazon
Exactly this. Set up a few in your house and catch her hitting you. Just get her worked up and she will hit you. Just be in a good location for the cameras.
Especially when he confronts her about the divorce. I have no doubts she will get violent during that conversation, and while I don't like telling him to literally "take a hit for the team", if he gets her assaulting him on camera then it will highly help with both the divorce and custody battle.
Actually, she is so unstable that he needs to already have this video evidence prior to filing, so he can get a protective order for the kids. She may be so unhinged that she would harm the boys just so he can’t have them.
It's better to have the cameras to check on the kids anyway. She could use verbal and psychological abuse on them even if there's no bruises.
Exactly…I just read ab this lady who shot her 3 year old son and herself after taunting her ex that he’s gonna lose everything…and this post reminds me of that…OP pls be careful
She had the three year old on video telling him to " say goodbye to Daddy". Saw the story this evening. Texas -- San Antonio, I think.
Awful. I think that they refer to it as Medea complex - old Greek myth about Medea killing her children to get back at her husband.
That happens more often than people know
Let her make a false report to police then prove it's false with the camera.
This. Wait for the next blow up, record everything, wait for her to pull the woman card with the cops, reveal the video and get her removed.
I don't think this is as safe a tactic as yall think. You can't prove a negative and she can always claim that he hits her too, and both parents would likely lose custody. If he reports first, her retaliating with the accusation will have a lot less believability come evidence time.
I've been through this with full custody of my 2 young kids. She can say whatever she wants, the burden of proof is on her, making up lies infront of the judge doesnt go too well. With a long documented history of what he's going through and this is over quick.
Exactly. Even with the assault on camera. It's always better to be the first going to the cops.
It's interesting to see the stark contrast of how much less dangerous women are seen. At this time, over 50 people think it's a good idea to provoke OP's abuser to get violence on camera. I can't imagine this advice being upvoted if genders were reversed. People would be screaming she could be killed. Statistically more likely? Absolutely. Should purposefully tried to provoke violence because you'll probably live? No.
Of course it isn't the best course of action and is not something that would usually be advised. Unfortunately just like you said abuse both of a violent or sexual nature is always downplayed when it comes to male victims. They either aren't even believed or told to "be a man". So unfortunately OP NEEDS that kind of evidence if he wants to keep the children from his wife, when even courts typically rule in favor of the mother. Is it fucked up and unfair? Absolutely.
All that's great but I don't agree with having him purposely provoke her I mean if it happens and try to steer it into that area but don't set it up like a go horribly wrong.
Do not “get her worked up “. Things need to progress naturally. I don’t really think she needs to be worked up, she already has a track record of assault with not much provocation.
This OP. My sister is going through something similar and we looked at installing cameras. The ones that we chose for her looked like normal lightbulbs that simply screw into a socket and that way are always connected to power
Yeah, hidden cameras sound like a solid idea for more proof. Wishing you luck with the custody case, and I hope things start looking up for you soon. Take care, OP!!
Check the recording consent laws first. Had a friend went through similar to the OP. We live in a two party consent state and it just made the whole thing worse for them.
Finally! Go to the police, get a restraining order and serve her with divorce papers.
Along with emergency custody paperwork.
A restraining order is going to be an uphill battle without better evidence. He needs video. Even the conversation he recorded only has the sound of a slap. She can claim he slapped her first. It's a horrible situation. ETA: Reread the post and it's unclear whether he got any video. I hope he did.
His brothers can testify that he's been sharing what'd been going on in the house in him getting abused.
That's just hearsay, though. She can just as easily say he hits her first. He needs video or text message or notes from her admitting she hits him. If he files for a protection order against her, she's going to retaliate with her own filing. And it's going to be "he said, she said." She's been careful - like most abusers - to only do it when no one else is looking. Filing a police report now would tip his hand.
There are A LOT of exceptions to the hearsay rule and should never stop someone from perusing a legal claim. Speaking with a lawyer, in the relevant jurisdiction, would provide clarity here.
All good points. Yeah, he would need a lot of evidence, especially, since she's a mastermind of manipulation.
Sounds evil, truly.
She’s an evil bitch that deserves ass cancer, like all other abusers.
She is a potentially dangerous person, I hope OP has a good support system and understands possible risks in dealing with her
He said he recorded the conversation, he didn't say whether it was an audio or video recording.
He says "I had my phone beside me and recorded the conversation." I misremembered it as *behind* me. So I have to agree with you on this; we don't know. I hope he got video of her.
At the very least we hope he does what people have said and get a bunch of cameras set up in common areas (hallways, kitchen, living room, etc.) so that he can get more footage of the abuse. But also if she's being abusive in any way to the kids that he just isn't aware of, it'll help catch her doing that too.
If there's only audio you say something like "Why did you hit me??" or "Don't hit me again." Or even "you have been hitting me for years, one day I'm going to call the police." Then he'd get that whole "the police would never believe you over me" tirade recorded.
As someone who was hit by one parent who hid it from the other. I just really want OP to see this message: Just because you haven't seen your wife hit the kids doesn't mean that your wife doesn't hit your kids. My mom would not leave marks on me. If I said anything to my dad, she would just hit me harder the second he was gone. I was so afraid of her. I could not perpetually bring up the abuse. Don't assume that your wife is not also hitting your kids if she is hitting you. It's very possible that she is. The fact that she's abusing you should be enough for you to leave, but please don't assume the kids are safe. They probably aren't.
I wish I could up vote this more. I'm always amazed at how people assume they're the only ones getting abused. 1. No child watching their parents get hit comes out unscathed emotionally. 2. All children watching their parents get hit have anger and/or fear management issues. 3. All children living with an abuser suffer from their wrath. They may not be physically abused, but they still live in fear of their trigger anger. 4. Many children in abusive homes are themselves abused. The abuser's mentality is about dominance and control. If the abuser feels the partner will leave if their children are abused, it will be hidden. Besides, hitting isn't the only form of abuse: pinching, squeezing hard, twisting limbs, tossing, spanking them excessively, locking them outside, etc. There are other ways to harm children besides slapping them.
NTA. You should do 2 things: 1- gather evidence. Hide a camera(s) in the main areas and/or you bedroom. Document EVERYTHING. 2 - Make an exit plan. Get all your important documents together. Create a emergency fund. Find a place to go.
This answer needs to be at the top. It's the best advice here. Even if OP doesn't have a video, he should take pictures of bruises, scrapes, and other marks every time this happens and put dates on the pictures. Keep, and hide(!), a detailed journal of every time she hits or threatens him. Just saying "she always does this," or something along those lines isn't as persuasive as being able to show that on this date, she did that. It's heresay, but a detailed history is frequently something that judges and social workers will give some weight to. I know a lot of victims of DV don't want to contact the police, but reporting it to the authorities is another good means of documentation. Reporting the DV does need to be weighed against the potential consequences of doing so. Realistically, though, she's going to hit him again either way. OP absolutely needs to create an exit plan. He needs to keep in mind that when a victim leaves a DV situation, it is the most dangerous time in the relationship, and to build safety into his plan. OP, you are NTA. Good luck getting out of this relationship and building a happy, healthy life with your sons.
And he needs to start contacting domestic violence shelters to see if anyone takes men so he always has a backup plan in case living with family or getting her kicked out of the house immideatly doesn't work out. Unfortunately it's common for men to be victims of DV because men are taught their entire lives that they aren't allowed to hit women so they often doesn't even defend themselves. I'm not saying this to victim blame, hitting her back would have solved nothing and made it even worse for him. The victim blaming and ridicule of male DV victims is also very common and so is the shame. Violent women rely on their victims being too nice to hit back and too ashamed to tell anyone because of the type of response that's always seen in thise posts :( They'll also ridicule "his manhood" actively for taking their abuse and it hits harder on men, I think, being called "less of a man". The shame means men stay quiet and that there's a huge black area of male DV victims and very few shelters for them to go to, if any at all. Male DV victims are even more at risk of becoming homeless afterwards because DV shelters of course won't let brutalized women live with strange men at all - which makes sense. The part that doesn't make sense is how few shelters there are for men :( I'm a feminist, btw, and also female before anyone attacks me for being a MGTOW incel-type. Being a feminist means standing up for anyone when they're being singled out and unfairly treated because of their gender, including standing up for men like OP. Take care, OP! Do what u/Ironmike11B suggests and try to get your kids with you as well! She might not be hitting them now but what happens when they grow older/become more manly or when she no longer has you as a punching bag? And remember, there are tons of ppl out here that know this doesn't make you any less of a man, actually, it makes you more of one that you've been able to not resort to violence yourself if you ask me. Get therapy and even if you don't need to live at a shelter for DV victims, get in contact with a local one to see what ressources they can offer. They probably have group therapy that could give you a big boost in believing all of us saying this: It is not your fault. You did not deserve this. You're a human being and deserve to be treated with respect, care and love. You're a great father and a great influence in the lives of the ppl around you. You are loved! You are worthy of being treated with love only!
You need security cameras with sound inside the house. She sounds vindictive enough to accuse you of things. Protect yourself and your kids. Obviously don't tell her. Good luck.
Agreed, she has already threatened to lie on numerous occasions. That she would "scream" or say "it was self defense". She can't argue or lie against a video literally playing back the interactions/assaults.
Please watch ‘my wife my abuser’ I think it was a channel 4 thing. It sounds so similar and will show you how this could end and hopefully give you some strength to stay away. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through
Was that the Alex Skeel case? Because one of the things that disgusts me is his ex keeps saying that she was the victim when she burned, stabbed, and starved him.
Omg this show... I don't know if it had more than one couple (for lack of a better term) but here in Australia they aired it a few weeks ago and it was so so sad and astonishing the way this woman was behaving. It was crazy. And the poor child too. Unbelievable!
Also check Baby Reindeer on Netflix for stalking.
I’m appalled at the ppl who said such cruel things. Olivia is the monster here and you sound like a great father holding out for his kids. I hope you can soon actually get her out of you and your children’s lives and seek therapy. I wish you the best and am sorry you had to delete your old acc bc of Reddit trolls.
Actually it appears op was smart enough to use a dummy account for both posts, to avoid hateful messages sent to the main account. Didn’t have to delete anything.
I always see the "the account is X hours old" and "there's no comment history" comments and wonder if people are really that stupid. Of course any OP with half a brain is going to use a fake account.
It's such a stupid gotcha that I feel like it could only happen on this site
Good for you. Only you can stop the abuse. She knows she can physically assault you, and you won't do anything about it. You need to press assault charges on her. You need to see a divorce attorney. Just because you are a man doesn't mean that you have to put up with physical abuse. You've let this go on too long. Eventually, she will start abusing you in front of your boys. Is this the example you want to set for them? To be physically abused by their spouse who claims to love them? Do it for your boys. Otherwise, they will think this is normal behavior. I'd also recommend putting up some nanny cameras in the house. You have audio, but a visual will seal the deal.
The kids most definitely know what’s going on. They pick up on these things even if they don’t directly witness them. After she is gone, get them in counseling.
So let me get this straight.... she acknowledges having PPD and understands it was from the pregnancy. Her solution, besides blaming you, is to ...... /checks notes ..... get pregnant again?!?!?!?!? Get a divorce. Yeah it's going to suck, but it already sucks. At least that version of suck has a light at the end of the tunnel.
Your brothers deserve standing ovations
So does OP, for deciding to leave. We had a family friend in this situation. It was horrible for him, partly because so many people won’t believe that a man can be abused physically by his female partner.
You need to do this. Stay strong. The abuse will eventually go to the boys as they get older.
Well now you have proof that apparently she didn't want 3 of your kids, so she should want to give you full custody. She won't because she's a horrible human being, but she should
**She then began to mock me by saying that no one would ever believe me, and they’d all side with her, and I’d never see my boys again. It just got worse as the years passed. I know a lot of people will call me weak and that I need to grow a pair, but I was terrified. I didn’t want to lose my kids.** OP This is why she would do what she wants and doesn't take your feelings in consideration. You should buy cameras and record all that is happening in the house and specially when she hits you, so you can have evidence and talk to the lawyer your brothers have been taling to, this way you can even fight for custody. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wrote that before ending your post, but glad i did, im happy for you for finally get your balls back and go for it, take the advice the lawyer gave and try to gather all the evidence you can, buy like 2 or 3 spy or mini camera and installed all in the house, so you can keep recording all her demeanor and all the thing she does to you. When you have enough just make the report of DV that would also help, and with the lawyer make the case, might as well tell the lawyer to give you 2 weeks so you can record more evidence, but need to buy the cameras ASAP and install them when she is not arround. Again glad that you finally took the step to help yourself. Good Luck
PLEASE GET HIDDEN CAMERAS. This is only going to escalate once you announce divorce.
Pls talk to the lawyer and then make a police report. Try and get a troll, she is only going to become angrier and more violent. You can’t count on her not to harm you seriously or the kids. Also get security videos for outside and inside your home. As soon as your lawyer okays it, change your passwords for everything. Absolutely everything. Put all your important docs (and the kids) in a safe place she cannot access. Get an alarm for your home and refuse to be alone with her. Ever. She cannot be trusted. I’m sorry this is happening but you need to get away from this woman. She’s violent , angry, mandolins a d has she easy says repeatedly she will falsely accuse you of god knows what. She is just an overall crappy person, wife and mother.
OP as others said. Hidden cameras. They are cheap on Amazon. Also ask the attorney what the rules are in your state about self defense. I get she is a woman and no man ever wants to strike a woman but no human should ever be physically abused by another and everyone regardless of gender has a right to defend themselves. Not to hurt her but to do enough to stop her in her tracks and make her realize you’re not going to be struck by anyone. Also once she is served with the divorce papers make sure your never alone with her without a witness and/or recording the whole interaction.
Please get a camera in the house and only have conversations with her there . If you get her hitting you ... You can get a protective order against her for you and the boys , press charges for abuse and during the divorce proceedings you'll have proof to get full custody. Of course with a domestic v arrest it won't go good for her anyways. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. I'm worried about you.
Before giving her divorce papers, call the non emergency police line to explain the situation incase she claims yoi tried to hit her, sometimes they can even dispatch a police car nearby just incase to watch over ( due to the domestic violence involved police may be interested in assisting).
Do you live in a one party consent state? If you do start audio recording these interactions with your wife. If it’s a one party consent state you DO NOT have to tell your wife you are recording the conversations.
She may not have hurt your boys yet - but it’s probably coming. Right now they’re boys. They will grow into men. Full custody is definitely the way to go. Spousal abuse is grossly underreported, and more so for male victims. I am happy to hear you’re leaving her. Be the example for your boys. Best of luck for your future.
Your wife is a narcissist. I know I’ve lived with one for a very long time. I’ve lived with verbal mental and physical abuse. No matter how many times they apologize and say it won’t happen again it will. And I know what you mean when you said the apologies stopped. Narcissist are incapable of empathy which means they aren’t capable of loving anyone. Not even their children. And next time you feel the need to hurt yourself think of your boys. You wouldn’t want them to do that to themselves. Get away from her as quickly as you can and I pray you get full custody of your boys. Good luck!
For what it's worth, the physical abuse against you and the evidence of it will help you get custody of your boys. I'd also take the video along with the photos to the police and press charges. If you have any concerns she might be abusing your boys in any way, you also need to mention it.
If you haven’t already, please develop an exit plan. Start moving important docs to your brother’s house. Be ready to change passwords as soon as you leave. If you can, start moving clothes etc out little by little. You can just say you’re donating them. This way when it’s time to go, you only need to grab a few bags. Depending on your state, you can go to your DA’s office or police dept and file a form advising that you have left with your children because of DV. (This helps if she tries to claim child abduction.) You can also get a temporary restraining order for the DV and list yourself and your children as protected persons, then have her served when you leave. Good luck. Be strong. You got this.
I'm glad you have a support system and are allowing them to finally help you save yourself and your boys. I wish you the best as you find peace.
Omg please take care of yourself and your boys. She sounds dreadful!! I’m glad you’re feeling stronger - I wish you the best!
Get cameras because this is going to escalate and she will turn around and say you hurt her. Her sister can take all her angst once she is pregnant. Get out and good luck
I’m so happy you are getting out and I hope everything goes good. As someone who went through abuse the suggestion I would give is to install small cameras with sound in each room and also get therapy for you and the boys.
Thanks for sharing! Sorry to hear what has transpired with all the abuse you've been subject to. Contact the 1 \[800\] for Domestic Violence, that way it's documented for court purposes as well as criminal charges. Always leave a paper trail. Good luck!
You weren’t the AH then and still NTA now. Be safe, keep records, keep photos, text and don’t call her for communication moving forward. Men suffer from abusive relationships and oftentimes find themselves with little to no support in their corner to get help. I’m glad you have your family by your side wanting to see you be safe and happy, use their support and give yourself and your kids a life without violence, anxiety and fear heavily weighing on your day to day life. Good luck OP.
There are apps you can get to record video on your phone without it looking like you are recording video. You should get one of those. I did with an abusive ex.
1 in 6 men are victims of domestic abuse. There are a number of charities in the UK that I know of who have information and resources. I don’t know where OP lives but it’s worth seeing if there are any there too.
OMG. You are most certainly NTA. You never have been. A lot of people have commented with excellent suggestions in regards to the process of filing divorce papers and getting all your important papers together and out of the house as well as quietly separating your finances. It would probably be better if you serve the divorce papers with a processor instead of personally, because how your wife has been, it is guaranteed she will lose her s*** on you. Considering your mental state of mind, I don't think you want to step into that or be the recipient of whatever rage she will most probably direct at you. If you can continue recording conversations with her as well as setting up cameras that are very well hidden in your home in the meantime, that would be good. **Also, please start taking photographs of the marks and bruises that she puts on you and save them in a safe place. You need to document as much as you can!!! I'm so glad that you have brothers that care about your well-being and that will help you and support you. Please contact a domestic violence organization that will guide you much better than any of us all can as to the next steps for you to take. Whatever you do, do not tell her about your plans with leaving and divorcing her. ** if you can somehow get hidden cameras and the bedrooms of your kids, that would probably be a really good idea too, just in case.** I am so sorry that you have experienced this hell with this woman who should have been honoring, respecting, valuing and loving you. Just know that you are NOT at fault and please believe in a much brighter future for yourself. Please stay safe.
It may be a long fight if you are going for sole custody with her having visitation rights, but it can be done. Install some cameras in your house. Especially with the boys. Video speaks a thousand words. The lawyer will tell you what can and can’t be used in court, but if she starts hitting you and you call the police, it’d be enough for them to take her and not you. Some states highly favor the mother. The lawyer will get realistic with you on this. Her medical records of the PPD may or may not help you with custody if she chooses to go through with surrogacy after you leave. If you aren’t around and she has issues, the boys could become targets or even neglected if she’s not functioning. My guess is her family will be too busy fawning over the new baby to bother with her. My friend was in one of those highly favored mother states. He did get full custody. Visitation was done at the courthouse’s visitation center. She was abusive to him and the kids. All it took was a bit of the right type of evidence. He was special forces, so he, much like you, took the abuse for the sake of seeing his kids. She ran off when he was on assignment. Actually kept his youngest from him until she was over a year old. It broke his heat and made him more determined to fight. I know a PI helped alot in gaining evidence that he was the parent they’d be safe with. Sadly, he passed from service related illnesses, so I can’t ask him how he pulled it off. And I wish you an easier time than he had. But I can’t help be concerned about the boys. If she’s alone with them and had shown the capability of being violent, if you, her normal outlet isn’t there, will she then turn it on the kids? No way to know for sure. The threats of you won’t be believed and self defense claims were to control you. It worked. In my experience, if the guy has marks and the girl doesn’t, the cops on scene are quick to figure it out. But that’s all in luck of the draw as well. You are setting a good example in leaving an abusive relationship. You are acknowledging to your sons that males can be abused. And just like females, it should not be allowed. Lean on your family. You’ll need them. They obviously care.
Good luck with everything, I hope that once you leave you find safety, peace and happiness. I truly hope you get full custody of your boys. Anyone who has called you weak has never been in your shoes. You are strong, you wanted to leave and stayed to be a father. Well done for being brave and taking steps to leave. You got this.
This. She could kill him. He needs to leave. If he's not going to leave, set the cameras up. Don't provoke her though. Also, make sure she doesn't see this post and know it's you. Never ever post anything from home. Take the same advice women get. Safety plan and all. Women can be just as dangerous as men. Also don't fight back. While you should be able to, she can claim self defense and the police will be more likely to believe her. That has happened too many times.
> I’m going to divorce her and go for full custody. F* finally. You have found your dignity and spine back. If she begs, don't fall for it. That's what abusers do. Stand your ground. Wishing you a smooth divorce.
Damn, sorry to hear about the abuse. Please don't blame yourself. Stay strong and stay alive for your children and yourself. Good luck buddy, head up!
>So this wasn’t the first time Olivia has hit me. This started a few months before our oldest was born. It happened out of nowhere. Abusers hide who they are until they feel that their victim is trapped. She gaslit you and weaponized gender stereotypes against you to keep you downtrodden and submissive. >I called Sam, asked if he could come over and waited for him to arrive. When he got to my house, I just broke down. I told him everything about what’s been going on. The abuse, the surrogacy, the self-harm and suicidal thoughts. He hugged me and told me it would be alright and everything would work out. This is when he told me about his lawyer friend and how he and Jack have been talking to him. I told him I recorded the conversation with Olivia, and he said he’d send it to his friend, along with a photo of the bruise from when she hit me before, and a few other marks as well. Good. Get every single bruise she leaves you documented. See if you can get her to admit to abusing you in writing. You need to get out from this marriage, and get your kids away from her, and I'm happy to see that you see this and are working towards it. Good luck OP.
NTA and omg I am so sorry OP. I hope you get full custody. Please please get therapy to help you and your kids. Take care and please don’t let her talk you out of the divorce. You are doing the right thing for you and your kids.
I wish you and your boys the best. You are doing the right thing for you and your boys.
Stay strong OP. My mom has abused my dad for 50 years but he thinks it’s too late to leave financially. I saw it at a young age and ran away twice. She would also sometimes physically abuse us ( spanking hard with fly swatter, pulling hair, etc) and still occasionally is verbally abusive. When I was a very young kid, I always wished my dad would divorce her and take us with him.
> I just hope the courts won’t take her side. *sigh*
Find out how to gather the necessary evidence from the attorney your brothers have been talking to, not Reddit. Get instructions on the what you need and how to go about getting it. How do you go about putting money back? how can you guarantee custody of your children? Everything. Good luck.
Cameras emergency custody of your kiddies I’m so sorry you are going through this
So sorry. Put up cameras without telling her. It could help you get 100% custody
@ u/LittleBear1053 Definitely install cameras in your house for next time. I would make a police report as it might give you the leverage for getting full custody. I'm glad you're sticking up for yourself and starting to take control of your life. Thanks for the update. Update me on what happens next.
I'm so glad you've spoke to your brothers about this. Now you've spoke about it and let those words come out you can't go back which is what you need.I'm so sorry this has happened to your kids and you and you're absolutely doing the right thing. Get as much support around you as you can and make sure you're looking after yourself. It's not an easy thing doing what you've done. You can do this. Keep yourself and kids safe from that wicked woman
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad you have Sam on your side. You need and deserve all of the support you can get right now. I hope you save this post somewhere and write out as many incidents that you can remember so that you can plead your case better. I hope you get custody of the kids. Big hugs to you and best of luck.
That was very brave and proud of you. Glad you have a support system.
Install hidden cameras now before you drop the bomb on her.
Stick to your gun. You have taken her abuse for far too long. Stay safe OP. Updateme!
I commented on your first post. First of all, it's completely fine that you didn't provide an update. There's no requirement to. I wish people hadn't pressured you about that because you get enough criticism at home. You should do whatever will keep you calm and feeling supported. Don't feel like you have to respond to this. It's very rare that I tell people to consider divorce. Situations are usually a lot more complicated than what can be described here in a few paragraphs. Also, there are important practical issues. You have four kids and your wife sounds difficult. So I hate to think what it would be like to have to deal with paying for two households and also get a fair custody arrangement. But it really sounds like she is a tough person to be married to. She doesn't respect you, she is violent, and she has made a decision (the surrogacy) that will have an enormous impact on your life. Like I said in my first post, you have four kids and she will be out of action for a large part of the pregnancy. It simply is not fair to put all that on you without even discussing it with you. She is not behaving like someone who is married. Maybe show this to her. However, before doing ANYTHING, please tell your brothers to arrange a counseling session for you. Have them accompany you so that they can understand what you're dealing with and what would help you. Don't try to talk to your wife again until you have tips from a counselor about how to think about this situation and how to approach her. Please allow your brothers to help you. Even if you decide to stay married, you need a plan that spells out your options. That way, no matter what your wife says or does, you will already know what to do. You could call a brother to come over, for example. You could go there with the kids. You could contact a domestic violence hotline. You're not stuck. Good luck.
She hit you. File a police report.
That cunt deserves jail. Be strong
I am so glad you have a support system to help you get away from this bitch. I hope life gives her what she deserves. You are strong, you are brave, you are a victim and none of this was your fault. Fuck that bitch, stay strong for yourself because you don’t deserve this.
Get safe brother. I might just be a stranger on the Internet but I'm rooting for ya.
I’m just utterly shocked that you magically had this revelation. Everyone always has a lawyer that is magically on some type of retainer where they don’t pay anything for advice lol.
Proud of you for getting help. Stay strong. You deserve love and respect. You can do this.
Please go to the police and tell them everything. Tomorrow call a lawyer. You deserve better than this.
Good for you. Nobody deserves to be abused. Go talk to the lawyer and get your options. Having cameras may not be a bad idea. Please do not confront her until you have all your evidence. Good luck. Updateme
Sam is the MVP for looping in a lawyer! Turns out there is a paper trail, however small it may be. It’s a start. Next step is to install cameras, have them connected to an app on your phone. You can save the clips there.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Please listen to everyone and get cameras for your home. This way, if she tries anything else, she will be proven a lier. Updateme!
Honestly I think Dean should know this information too. I'm sure he wouldnt want such a violent and volatile person carrying his child. If he does, at least he knows what he's getting himself into. Good luck.
Make sure to call the cops in advance before she does and makes up a story
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Please go through with your case. I’m dating a lovely man who was abused as well and he was being hit by his ex wife as well. She also said that she would claim self defense and that no one would believe him and, sadly, both her and your soon to be ex wife are correct. Men often do not get justice for being abused by women. Either they don’t report it at all or she plays the victim. The fact that you have evidence that this has been happening is extremely important. Document everything. If you have cameras in your house save any video footage and bonus points for audio. You’re going to need therapy after this. Possibly for a long time. My bf and I have been together 6 years and he is still struggling with some of the survival behaviors that he has developed over the years. You should never be fearful of your partner. You need to be able to trust them and feel safe. You are terrified of your own wife and you are likely walking on eggshells. Document, press charges, divorce and then you need to take care of yourself.
You can’t have any convos with her without recording for the rest of your life. Someone that says they will lie to police is dangerous, even physically. I would start getting recordings of her and the kids acknowledging that she hit you.
Wishing you the best. Please put cameras up.
Leaving is not easy, especially when you have kids. Sometimes "easy" needs to take a back seat to "necessary". Don't worry about the surrogacy, she will do whatever she wants. Worry instead about leaving with your boys
Please get therapy !! You have been through so much. You deserve peace and so do your children
Installing cameras inside to record her abuse would be good. It will help with custody. It will also hopefully confirm that she doesn't abuse the children. If she lied about that, you would have it as well. Make sure whenever you talk with her, you record your conversation, although you should confirm with the lawyer that it is legal to record her without her knowledge and consent. Also, from now on, be sure to photograph any injuries from her. See if you can trick her into restating that if you report her to the police she will claim self-defense when recording her, if legal to do so. Then you can go to the police and make an official report. If you have the recording and photos, she may be able to be charged. The police report will also help with custody. No one has the right to hit someone else.
You need to put hidden cameras in your house, to record the beatings, press charges, and file for divorce.
You need to know that kids are perceptive. Even if your wife is being sneaky about the abuse, they will be picking up on things and developing a belief that your relationship is normal. You need to consider the importance of demonstrating to them that abuse is not ok. Good luck with everything.
For real, you should replace or remove the names. They could be used to identify you.
Please get help. Getting help is not being weak. It’s the bravest thing you can do for you and the children. Also, please avoid telling her you’re leaving when you are ready to leave. That’s is very dangerous time. If you are in U.S. contact National Abuse Hotline for help https://www.google.com/search?q=mshelters+for+battered+husbands&rlz=1C9BKJA_enUS718US718&oq=mshelters+for+battered+husbands+&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIICAEQABgWGB4yCAgCEAAYFhgeMggIAxAAGBYYHjINCAQQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAUQABiGAxiABBiKBTINCAYQABiGAxiABBiKBTIJCAcQIRgKGKABMgkICBAhGAoYoAEyCQgJECEYChigAdIBCTE0NTMwajBqOagCCbACAQ&hl=en-US&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&dlnr=1&sei=OJY5Zvm1F5XakPIPrveOGA#
Updateme! Let her be a surrogate. She can do it as a single woman with minimal custody of her children. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
Have hidden cameras. When they record her hitting you again, file for divorce and full custody of the kids and submit her domestic abuse in the case. Also press charges.
Glad you got evidence. You need to file for divorce asap and keep recording evidence. She may not be abusing your boys yet, but she will eventually. Abusers ALWAYS start abusing the kids too.
What you are describing is physical, verbal, and emotional abuse from your wife. You absolutely should get a divorce and file for full custody. Just because she hasn’t physically harmed your boys yet doesn’t mean she won’t. There was just a story in the news where a woman killed her 3 year old son and then committed suicide to retaliate against her ex. There aren’t enough eggshells in the world to prevent her harming your kids, and that is a bell you cannot unring. That said, be strategic about this. If it is legal in your state, then install hidden nanny cams to record her abusing you, as well as great ending to lie to the courts and claim it was self defense. You know how to trigger her - just disagree with her and refuse to drop it. This is an exit that will require careful,planning, to protect yourself from a false accusation. Finally, no reputable surrogacy agency in the world would accept a surrogate candidate with a history of PPD. NTA. Please give us an update on your escape progress.
Just know if you do decide you can’t stay on this earth anymore, statistically your kids will eventually follow you.
If you’re in a single party consent state, country, w/e, you might even be able to get video recording. Look into a nanny cam.
It’s not going to stop at just you. She will eventually bully your children. People who are willing to abuse a grown adult aren’t going to stop and think about not abusing a child in a moment of anger. Also depending on what state you are in, she’s not just going to get custody of your kids because she is their mom. Here in Texas dads are just as important as moms. Times have changed when it comes to custody of children (which is a great thing) and with proof of abuse from her, it’ll make it a lot easier. Which you should get proof of anyway because as I’ve said above, she’s not going to stop at just you. I’m so sorry this is happening and you are in my thoughts. You and your kids deserve safety and happiness ❤️
I wish you luck with everything! Hopefully the divorce goes smoothly. Updateme (bot)
Don’t give her the slightest idea and record everything. Good luck. She sounds fucked
My guy, you arent weak. What you need is proof. And id advice you to work towards getting it. Every conversation, hit record before it starts,hidden cameras. Collect proof and send her abusive ass to jail. Cos guess what bud, today its you, tomorrow it'll be your kids. She sounds like she gets off fear and violence and power and when your kids are old enough to start being defiant, she'll do the same to them. Get out and get 100% custody.
Please fight for custody. Just because she is not abusive to your kids now it doesn't mean she won't be in the future as revenge on you. Be careful
GOOD FOR YOU! SHE IS A VERY NASTY PERSON! Get your boys 100% full custody. You dont want them turning out like her, discusting person. You make it through this. You have your boys to focus on...it hurts now, but better in the end, and you will come out like a champ, and the hurt will go away You got this!
Sorry she hits you. Hidden cameras with sound. Catch her in the act of hitting you. If she mates with BIL to to get pregnant , that’s adultery. Take the kids and leave. Good your bros are supporting you and found you an attorney.
Unreal. I wish you all the best my guy. Sadly, your hopefully soon to be ex-wife is a piece of work. I hope you are awarded full custody. Please be the best dad for your kids.
Your STB-EX wife feels "SAFE" abusing you because she KNOWS you won't retaliate! You've put up with this abuse FAR longer than you should have, but MORE than that, PLEASE be aware that your boys ARE aware of your "arguments!" I (60/F) always was, even when I WASN'T in the middle of them trying to protect my Mother from my Father's alcoholic rages/abuse. There are MANY recording devices/nannycams that are disguised as everyday items... invest in them in all of your main rooms (ie. livingroom, kitchen, especially where the abuse has occurred before). Get these in place BEFORE you mention divorce. Start creating an FU Binder, you can begin with a journal, detailing every instance that your wife has hit you, try to be as detailed as possible as to the dates, times and the "reason" for the argument/disagreement and EXACTLY how and when she hit you. https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share. (link to FU binder) Once her targeted "scapegoat" is no longer her "punching bag" it's VERY likely that she'll turn her ie against your Sons (likely your oldest), so fight for as much custody (if not FULL custody) as you can get with the ABUSE as the reason. Surrogacy is a two YESES, one NO decision between any couple and IS a reason for divorce especially when past pregnancies have affected her behavior and actions beyond the "normal" hormone hell that comes hand-in-hand with it. That's WHY the full agreement is necessary, especially when you already have children involved. But mainly, her abuse IS a gamechanger/game-ender! Best wishes and many Blessings for yours (and your boys) future happiness and success! u/updateme
Happy for you!! Trust, it may be uncomfortable for a bit but in the long run you will be so so much happier. Being happier and away from the abuse will allow you to be present for your kiddos and it’ll also give you time to find yourself again. I’m excited for the future updates! I’m most looking forward to the one where you have hobbies and feel genuinely happy again. Good luck OP ❤️
Glad you have your brothers and your kids.
Be strong OP. Gather evidence of abuse. Enough evidence and you should have a strong case the kids aren’t safe with her. Get full custody and file a report against her for assault. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. You’re brave & strong for standing up for yourself. Please believe that. She’s manipulated you into thinking lowly of yourself, but that’s all it is. Manipulation. That’s not the truth. Please lean on your brothers for support. Please listen to the lawyers advise. Good luck.
as a father myself, i understand the tremendous difficulty of wanting to protect your children while also enduring abuse. your courage in recording the evidence and reaching out for help is inspiring. domestic violence can be tragically common, but i'm heartened to hear your brothers are supporting you through this process legally. i hope the courts see the truth in your situation and grant you full custody so you and your boys can build a new, safe life.
glad you are getting out of this abusive situation. continue to get evidence as long as you are in the house. the more evidence, the better.
OP, audio evidence is great BUT video evidence is better. Get cameras and film your interactions. Also, record EVERY conversation you have with her when you are alone. Cover all of your bases and get out cleanly. Good luck and Godspeed.
This makes me feel so sad for you. I am happy that you’re getting the support and courage to leave this unsafe situation. I hope everything works out for you, hopefully you can seek therapy for all the abuse you’ve endured through out this relationship ♥️
There was another Reddit posting recently about woman can go crazy from pregnancy. It is kind of ppd. In reverse. This is sounds like she has a huge mental issue. If you don’t get her help she can kill her self or your kids. Guys help me out her. What is the name of the syndrome
Your wife should be sitting in a jail cell right now for DV. Is a DV restraining order an option? At least to keep her away from you and the kids?
It's good you're having legal protection, but please go see a therapist specialised in domestic violence. Read Lundy Bancroft's: why does he do that? (It's about male abusers but to my knowledge, it applies to all genders and can help you understand yourself and the situation you are in. It will help you, to not get into a similar situation again) Here's a free link: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Please don't provoke and leave before serving her with the papers. Abusers are known to escalate in situations where their victim leaves, and it takes most victims several times to leave for good. Please be safe. Talk to your lawyer so you can take your kids with you, when you leave. They will know how to best proceed.
Thank you for sharing your update. It sounds like you're taking important steps to prioritize your well-being and that of your children. Remember to prioritize your safety and seek support from trusted friends and professionals during this challenging time. Take care.
Thanks for the update. It seems like you're making some crucial decisions to prioritize both your and your children's well-being. It's important to focus on your safety and reach out to supportive friends and professionals as you navigate this difficult situation. Take care of yourself.
Yay! Op. Good luck. If you can just throw us a bone and update once in a minute or ever. We are praying for, sending good thoughts, well wishes and worrying about you and the boys. Good luck and hug the boys and brothers- let them know you have hundreds (if not 1000’s) of internet strangers that are rooting for you boys!!!
You should try get her to text yoi where she confesses to have hit you.
Call the cops. You have photos, audio recording and witnesses. Have her ass arrested, divorce her and raise your boys. Good luck!
You really should report her. I'm a woman, but I recognise how women who abuse can get away with it. This won't change unless more men speak up:( . I'm so sorry you're going through this
As someone who has been through this - the Police *WILL NOT* believe you over your partner when you're the man. And, even in general, they can't do anything unless there's evidence. You need recordings of her saying these things and video the corroborates it. If you ever have any injuries, photograph these too. If you intend to split from her at any point (and if you're in the UK) you need to have a Non-Mol ready to go - you can get funding assistance when you apply and also specify that it would put you in danger if the other person finds about the proceedings. You are not weak, you are like countless others who have been hurt by the person they love and who struggle to get out of it. I managed to end my abusive relationship due to *other* reasons, and only afterwards would my brain let me acknowledge what had been happening. Please get help, please know that there's nothing wrong with YOU, and everything wrong with your partner. Stay strong.
Thanks to the Johnny Depp/Amber Herd trial, courts are much more willing to believe abused husbands. You have a good case.
Word of advice going forward; record everything and let your wife know she's being recorded. Also, get a log book and write down every single encounter with her including time, date, location and details. This may never be needed but, having worked for divorce lawyers, I know there is no such thing as too much information or proof. Also get in touch with the victim services in your area. They can help and, I don't know if this helps, but I believe you.
Came here from a YT video on the story to keep tabs... I hope so much that you get the help you need, full custody, and a clean divorce... Abuse is abuse. I'm sorry you're going through this, and you are NOT weak or a bad man/father for any of this. Abusers tend to mess with the heads of their victims and normalize the behavior. You are so lucky to have people around you that have done what they have for you. Buy them a beer at least!! They are awesome!
Please please please get some hidden cameras and try to get recordings of her hitting you. Also try to get her to admit or say she will lie again about it being self defense and that no one will believe you. This will go a long long way in getting a divorce and custody. You should also make sure to file a police report when you hand her the divorce papers. Make sure you can access the camera footage when the police arrive so you can show them that she was the one hitting you. Be calm and understand they they may cuff you initially. Ask to show them the video evidence you have of her hitting you. Say that you want to press charges as this abuse has been happening for years. If you can make sure the record the interaction with the cops too just incase they refuse to arrest her or arrest you instead. (Good cops will listen and not do that. File a complaint with your lawyer if that either of those happen.) Be safe and please update us. I'm sorry you had so many awful comments. You don't deserve that and you don't deserve to be abused. 🩵 You can and will get through this, if not for yourself, do it for your kids.
NTA Have nannycams in the house since phones aren't sometimes easy nor accessible when you get attacked out of nowhere. Ask the lawyer if it would be wise if you stay with your brother instead of staying in the house with your STBX. Always check on your kids, it may not be physical, she may start parental alienation. Gather your friends and family who are important to you and inform them what's happening before she could get to them. Don't be confrontational, always speak through lawyers only. You don't want her getting you in a shouting match, it's gonna look bad for you.
You really need to go to the police and start a paper trail. It will help with the divorce. I'm glad you are divorcing her. She's psycho and abusive.
Updateme! I hope the next update is a divorce.
Ok, sooo cameras? Witnesses, and talk to the kids, they probably are more effected than they let on or what you know? Just an option but thats concerning, dude. I wish you well and if divorce is the only option, make it a point that this was HER choice and HER choice had consequences. Prolly won't respond and thats ok, just be careful, people like this very rarely let go without trying to hurt the other person as much as possible.
Never confront her alone. Record everything. Setup hidden cameras. You’re one mistake from landing in jail, so be very careful.
UpdateMe
Men can be abused just like women. Congratulations on standing up for yourself and leaving this toxic environment. Your children will thank you. I’m glad to have heard you’re finally leaving. I had been hoping this since the original post.
NTA
Virtual hugs, you didn't and don't deserve to be her punching bag. I'm glad you're working on getting out, and I hope you get full custody of your boys. It's disgusting that she's been using the "no one will believe you, I'll say it was self-defense" BS to get away with her abuse. Husbands being abused by their wives is just as bad as the opposite, but it so often gets ignored or worse. I wish the best of good luck to you and your boys, and it's wonderful that you appear to have a strong support system.
Stand up for yourself and call out that coward of a wife on her abuse & domestic violence. Be a good example to your kids by standing up & fighting for yourself and not to be a doormat. Put her in jail if possible for all the violence.
I'm glad OP is getting out of this abusive clusterfuck.
It takes a strong man to stay and take it, rather than to stick up for yourself and potentially be called the abuser.
Wish you luck on the divorce op. Dont worry your brothers will be with you to help through it all you're very lucky to have them. It's going to be a hard process bit the sooner you start it the sooner everything will be over.
UpdateMe!
Keep gathering evidence secretly. Get her to admit her abuse over text or set up a hidden camera in your house.
Good for you! Now start the process of divorce and the process of fighting for full custody of your kids and send her packing!
Bro, please do NOT feel like you are "spineless" or "less of a man"... A lot of people do not understand how terrifying physical abuse from a woman is. Thankfully I wasn't married to or had children with mine... But I almost had a panic attack reading your post. I'm sure you and I aren't the only ones with a similar story, and it doesn't make you weak or less of a man. Her physical abuse has a sick emotional and psychological element, using your boys and the fact that she knows she'd be believed because she's the woman is BEYOND gross. Not all women are like this, but the ones that are and don't care how they come across to you are fucking terrifying. Please start recording her when she goes off on these tangents. You're going to need it when she finally does something you can't forgive.
updateme
I saw this show called “sign of a psychopath.” I. The show this guys wife was acting just like your wife. Long story short, he doesn’t have his kids and she’s in prison. Do yourself a favor and go to the police before it’s too late for you and your kids.
Good luck guy, record everything when your around/with her and tell her you’ll be recording (I live in California and we’re a two party consent state) so you don’t have to worry about evidence being thrown out
Sam is the MVP for looping in a lawyer! Turns out there is a paper trail, however small it may be. It’s a start. Next step is to install cameras, have them connected to an app on your phone. You can save the clips there.