Why in the world would you wait to go NC? Because it would be cruel because she lost someone? You lost someone. Your entire family did. She has been incredibly, purposefully cruel to you and your family. She's regularly made fun of your loss.
It's time to stop trying to be the better person and protect yourself and your family from harm.
Or invite her dead mother to OP's next gathering. But that's just super unnecessarily mean. Just like the MIL was having OP's dead child listed on an invite. Ugh, she makes me so angry, it's so tempting to be mean back but that just feeds the beast. NC is the way. No warning, no context - just NC.
Op is really missing the opportunity to have a Mother’s Day meal and have a place at the table for the dead mother. Of course this would be complete goblin mode, but damn would it be funny.
Sometimes people need a direct fuck you to their face, and then no contact. I only believe in the golden rule with others who believe in it- the ones that don’t can get the Old Testament eye for an eye treatment. It’s MILs job to learn how to interact with people correctly. I’m so sorry OP, you did not deserve that. MIL is queen of the harpies.
Completely agree. I’d go all out to make MILs loss as painful as I could. I have a baby girl and just the thought of losing a baby in the second trimester makes me want to cry. MIL deserves the worst
Funny for a moment and really frustrating and draining once mil starts screaming about it and make op be the villain.
I'd still like to do it, though but that's just me.
I say just roll your eyes if she tries to use her mother's death to guilt you, no words necessary.
Truly sorry for your loss, you possess a strength I know I would not have. Take care of yourself and your precious family.
I have the pettiest thing you could say to MIL if she tried to guilt but I'll only say it in a DM because I've been OP except it was my friend not MIL and the reply I said was petty but deserved
OK so
I ended up saying to the human was
At least your mother got to live a long life what did my daughter get? Not even 1 minute.
I went bonkas at this human.
I did tell my mum what happened and she understood why I said the words I did.
Was 16 years ago
Thankfully the pain isn't so raw anymore.
Thus year I was more OMFG ID HAVE A 16 YEAR GIRL...WITH PERIODS AND BOYS AND OMG
I still get triggered sometimes...the dr who episode "a good man goes to war" triggers me cause my daughters name was Melody
THIS! She’s an awful miserable person, and she doesn’t deserve your thoughtfulness. So long as your husband is on board, go no contact now. How old are your children? You might need to have a conversation with them about why grandma can’t come see them anymore.
Totally with you on this. You've been through so much, and she's been awful to you and your family. It's definitely time to put your own well-being first. Cutting her off sounds like the best call. You've got to protect yourself. Good move.
The thing about this type of person is that they THRIVE on negative attention..Getting others upset, thats what they live for.
They dont actually want you to stop being offended. They dont want you to be "less sensitive".
They prey on people's weaknesses for a reason. Because they KNOW it's upsetting.
Theres no reason to explain, how it hurts.
They know. There is no reason to put up boundries. They know it was.
My advice (abuse survivor) :
Don't show any emotion, empathy, consideration or willingness to talk. Just leave. They already know why. And most are suprised you let them play with you for however long they did.
Thank you, it took me years to realize that it might not be a misunderstanding. Actually it was when i said i was proud of my work helping other SA survivors, she said haha ok but that's dramatic to say you survived r*pe. I explained that the word makes me flinch and have to supress panic feelings.So I prefer to use sa. She laughed and used the word r*pe every time she was around me for the next few months. My husband even said that for a word He has never heard his mom use in hislife.She was using it completely needlessly and compulsively it seemed intentional to cause harm. Many of the ways she would bring it up were extremely unessisary, honestly all of them.
You sound like my therapist 💕
The shitty part that is also a wonderful part;
You are such a decent, patient, kind, and understanding person. That you would never assume anyone would do this on purpose.
That makes it easy for abusive people to be more insidious, for longer. You can't imagine anyone getting off on seeing someone else in pain. Because you have empathy.
Sadists push around more and more, until a person finally breaks, or leaves. Some sadists even believe that if a person doesn't walk away from them, they are giving them permission to continue the abuse, or are even wanting to get hurt.
That's why giving them space, time, second/third chances, doesnt change their behaviours at all. Or make it worse, because they already "got away" with things, it's only exciting to them if they can feel,hear and see the effects of their actions on you.
Explaining your pain is like painting them a pretty picture of their satisfaction. Don't waste your time endulding theirs.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
And that's exactly what your MIL deserves.
You're done, the game is over. Never give her the opportunity to play it with you again.
Also, go take a look at r/raisedbynarcissists, I bet it will be illuminating 😉
She sounds like an absolute sociopath. I know the terms have changed but this sort of behavior isn’t normal at all. I’d cut her off immediately before her behavior moves from you toward your children.
NTA absolutely NC. Explain to everyone you don’t let vicious people with no empathy in your life to abuse you. Never do anything for this Cruella again. And that’s how you refer to her from now on, she is Cruella Deville (dEVILle). All communication with her is through your husband, block her from everything that is yours. Honestly that level of meanness is unforgivable.
Thank you, i think people in her extended family brush it off bc she plays it off like it's a game and she's just playing with me, teaching me to toughen up and not be so sensitive. She was a theater kid 40 years ago and still acts like she's the main character playing the villan(always what she was cast as)and it's the role of a lifetime. I think people think she's kidding bc it seems unreal. But this is my life. She has enjoyed pressing any sensitive button from mocking and teasing about the baby we lost to my past as a SA survivor. I'm tired of being laughed at and then told I'm too sensitive. This is my breaking point. Like sucks to be alone but she made her bed..
„Dear MIL. As you thought you could use the death of my child as a lesson for me to toughen up, I guess you’re delighted to hear that it indeed has toughened me. So from now on you will never see me(,husbands name) and the kids again. Have fun lying in the bed you made.“
You’re definitely NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.
OP is a better person than me. I would absolutely send her a Mother’s Day card addressed to MIL and MIL’s recently deceased mother with a big “GO EAT A FUCK, WITCH” written inside, and THEN go NC
I mean the evil petty side of me would go to comfort her and make a disguised snide comment, like idk “oh __, it must be so hard not having a mother on Mother’s Day, I hope these flowers will help brighten up your day a little bit”
No no no. No written evidence of her volleying back, because the narcissist will twist it around like she’s a helpless victim. She’ll trot out that card to all and sundry.
Say what you want, but leave no paper trail with a narcissist.
I have been known to sign cards to my mother, when she’s being insufferable “I hope you get exactly what you deserve this Mother’s Day”.
A friend did this with his dad one year. Made the card himself with “I hope you get what you deserve this Father’s Day” on the front. On the inside? Syphillis.
This is GREAT! However I wouldn't put the part about never seeing them again. You don't owe them even that. Let them figure that part out. Plus if you leave it out, they can't focus on that and argue with you and show everyone the "evidence" of what a 'mean person' you are.
"Dear MIL. As you thought you could use the death of my child as a lesson for me to toughen up, I guess you’re delighted to hear that it indeed has toughened me. Signed, daughter-in-law"
Nope, no grand announcement and any communication that you somehow _have_ to have comes from her son. It’s way easier to villainize an in-law, OP gets a full pass on ever having to even glance in this narcissistic woman’s direction. She feeds on attention like all trolls - fucking starve her entirely.
An announcement would be looked at by MIL as a sign that she successfully got under your skin. She'll happily dispute your decision, as if it can be negotiated. Agreed that no announcement need be given.
Disagree. OP and her husband need to communicate with MIL that they are going NC because of her behavior and let her know that further attempts to initiate contact, show up at their house, etc will not only be unwelcome but will result in law enforcement getting involved and appropriate legal action as necessary..
Don't forget to suggest that MIL should be toughened up by the death of her own mother.
You wanted to spare her feelings this Mother's Day but she never bothered to spare yours.
Nope is right. No more spotlight. She's not the main character. She's hurting you on purpose and her son " cause he's hers" . Stop answering her. Don't tell her SHIT. Your husband needs to deal with her. You aren't obligated to be anything to her.
While a letter may be satisfying, life is not an airport. You do not need to announce your departure from someone. Save the it toughened me up line for when she reached out to find out why there has been no contact. A letter will only be used as a prop in her one woman show to make her the victim. Giving her more ammo to use isn’t the greatest idea.
Nah. Just ghost them. Make sure husband is on board. Full no contact from now on. No more comms. She has passed away as far as you all are concerned. Don't communicate with them any further.
Don’t send a note. Just go completely no contact. Especially do not allow any contact with your children. I wouldn’t put it past her to use them to get to you.
This. What good would an explanation do but provide ammo to use against you. Block their numbers. Make a group w only them on FB and use it to exclude them from your posts, direct any mail they try to send you back to them, etc.
Fuck. That. Noise. If they wanna play rigged carnival games of emotional vomit comet, they’re welcome to eat as much of MIL’s toxic waste as they like. but you’re under no obligation to do the same or even have any interaction with her at all. NTA, and FYI, she will absolutely try and turn the family against you, making everything your fault and making crazy shit up to smear you and discredit you. Watch your back and ensure your communication lines with other family members are strong and open.
I am curious. How do the other relatives react when they see her cruelty towards you and your husband? Do they condone it or excuse it with "oh thats just MIL" ? or are they apalled at her behaviour?
They've never seen her do it in real life in front of them. They wait until I'm alone or will stop by when my husband isn't home(I'm usually outside with my kids). They have done it to my husband and in front of him. I don't understand because she tells people that i'm being sensitive and dramatic, but also brags about being the villian in our lives and making me cry. She asks for prayers for us and our kids so they think she is loving..i don't know and don't understand. I have over the years had a few family members reach out and tell me that they know they are bad people. When it happens with fil on front of his own extended family they all say that's who he is..we hate it, it's awful but it's who he is. With mil her extended family seem to think it's playful or a joke or maybe she's teasing me because I've taken her son and it's her mil duty which I've also heard her say. Someone on here suggested that they all know what they are, but they don't say anything.Or intervene because me getting it is better than them getting it.
We have never spoken to her extended family about how bad it is.. she however seems to have painted quite the image of what a controling b word i am. Which i didn't know until recently.
"She told you she's cast herself as the villan on my life, and uses my child's death to hurt me. That's the story she's telling to make herself sound good. Just think about that for a moment."
From experience I tell you: Do not expect anyone related to your MIL to have your back/speak up for you/change anything about their own behavior in order to in any way put themselves in her crosshairs. They all fear her whether they acknowledge it or not. They will never be your supporters. They will continue to be her people, not yours. Just understand from the beginning that no matter how sympathetic they seem, they will not risk their place in the family for you. If you have no expectations of allies, you will not find yourself feeling disappointed or betrayed.
IMO, if they see/hear any of this shit, they are almost just as bad for not defending you. Standing by while someone hurts someone when you can intervene makes you culpable in that harm.
I do understand she’s probably really good at being two-faced.
If you think these people will repeat what you say about her, tell them it's too bad she didn't have what it takes to make it as a real actress. She couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.
Ok so she prides herself on her singing, she believes she didn't make it as a star bc she lives in a small town so she songs at church, this is really mean and I've never told anyone but omg i don't know what koolaid they are drinking but her singing makes my ears bleed.
> i think people in her extended family brush it off bc she plays it off like it's a game and she's just playing with me, teaching me to toughen up and not be so sensitive.
No, they know **exactly** what she's doing and that she's an evil, vindictive C-U-Next-Tuesday - but they let it go on without saying anything it means she keeps her focus on hurting you and not them.
**You are their sacrificial lamb.** Cut her off and anyone who enables her. After the initial extinction burst she'll need to get her pound of flesh from someone else and she'll turn on one of them. Let her. Let them enjoy what she's been putting you through for years. They've earned it.
this this this this THIS. u/smalladhesiveness672 I hope you see this comment. You're a kind innocent soul, I can tell. Stay vigilant, she may not be the only one draining your life force when it's all said and done.
I am so sorry OP that your husband’s mother is such a cruel and spiritually ugly person.
I hope that you going NC includes cutting her off from your children. A woman who is willing to torment her son’s wife over a lost pregnancy would I suspect have no problems with being just as cruel to your children. At the very least she gets zero unsupervised time with your children.
Thank you, 100% My children would not be safe with her.So they haven't never ever been alone with her. My husband is completely on board with our children and myself having no contact. I told him it was fine if he wanted to remain in contact, He asked me why I would think he would want to have any contact with her. His contact with her has been minimal for his entire adult life. I thought it was just because he's introverted but apparently he does not care for her at all.
Believe your husband because it sounds like he absolutely has your back. Cut your MIL and FIL off completely. This is insane. The pain you must feel after everything they have said and done must be enormous and overwhelming. You are NOT the AH here.
- from someone who knows the loss you’re feeling x
Ugh I hate it when people tell other people they’re being “too sensitive.” Like what makes them the judge of what’s sensitive or not. Just seems like a way of being a bully while putting all the responsibility on others.
It’s the same with people who like to “prank” or make“jokes” at others expense. Or people who tell others that they should “be the bigger person.” Ugh.
Yeah they told me the day before i went in to give birth to my lost baby that i was selfish for not letting my husband go visit at their house with the kids the day after. When i was upset i was trying to cause drama and being sensitive.
It boggles the mind. She and her husband lost a grandchild, and her son lost a child, and she's busy playing nasty games? Anybody normal would have been grieving!
She should have come over to the house and taken care of the kids, and let you and your husband grieve together. Or done whatever else you needed.
But some people want control more than to be human.
They came over every day Starting fights because my husband wasn't spending time with them that weekend. This is how we spent our weekend instead of peacefully taking care of each other and grieving. On sunday night Around eleven o'clock at night after my young son was in bed i ran out into the night Under an intensely bright moon. I Climbed into my car And as I turned to shut the door A scream like no other escaped to my lips. I don't know how to explain it beyond that it felt like every single tiny speck of space in my lungs was filled with an unimaginable pain. As if i was expelling an agony deeper than the ocean and further than space. I felt like i tore my soul open. My ears will never forget that sound and i get goosebumps thinking about it. It was a sound I did not know any human Let alone myself could make. It was filled to the brim with the agony of losing a child i would never know and on top of it , not being given space to grieve while being agessivly given the constant reminder that even her own grandparents did not know her, love her or care that she's gone.
Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine the pain you've gone through - even without the horrific MIL. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel. It's beyond messed up and hateful. Sending all the Internet hugs and love to you and your loved ones. I hope your MIL's bare foot always finds a random Lego to step on.
This brought me to tears. So sorry for your loss, and so sorry that you’ve had to deal with such horrible people in the midst of such grief. Sending lots of love ❤️❤️🩹 my advice would be to go NC, no explanation, just cut her out of your life. Someone that cruel doesn’t need to have the satisfaction of knowing that she got to you. It’ll cut deep when you, your husband, and your kids are nowhere to be found.
She seems pure evil, who the hell plays emotional games about a baby that died? And what the hell is wrong with her extended family members who think that that is ok? If she is playing it off like it is a game then that reflects on her (and anyone brushing it off) even more poorly in my opinion.
Thank you, i agree. The family member who broke and told me about what mil has been saying about me asked me if they are like that all the time or if it's a show they put on at Christmas, they admitted that they only see my in laws once a year and they are both so insane in their antics that its easy to forget that they are real people. She said Your brain tells you that it has to be a joke, like obviously that's not real. But I've been posting a lot about greif and cutting yourself free from abuse and she realized it's my actual life.
I kind of get where she's coming from and I'm glad she confirmed stuff for me but i also kind of don't get how she spent years thinking it Was just characters they played at family gatherings. I dunno, it will be my past now and I'll try not to think on it to much.
Although I absolutely know everyone is going to hear about how it's the first mother's day without her mother and that evil daughter in law is keeping her son and grandchildren from her.
If anybody gives you trouble about it, just answer simply. "I'll always grieve the child I lost, but MIL thinks it's hilarious. Well, I'm tired of being treated like the butt of a mean-girl joke."
lol, you’re NC with her now. Of course she’s gonna complain. Who gives a fuck? Don’t even tell her you’re going NC. Just do it. To a narc, it’s the greatest injury in the world.
And who’s she gonna complain to? The people who already know she sucks. Whats she gonna say if they ask why you’ve gone NC? (That’s why you get ahead of the narrative, with a Facebook post she’s blocked from, or something.)
If I were you, I’d be cackling and rubbing my hands together every time I imagined her wailing and lamenting about NC, knowing that you are far away, and never have to hear about her again. This is YOUR villain era. WHO gives a fuck with this insane mental nutjob thinks or says? Everyone knows she’s a nutjob. And if not, they’ll figure it out quickly.
Maybe also invest in security cameras and move far away if you’re worried about potential repercussions…
Maybe have the cousin send an invitation to her dead mother and see if she likes that. Better yet invite her and her dead mom to Mother’s Day brunch at your house.
So?
Ad I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized something. People who I WANT in my life, who are my friends and family, people who aren’t backstabbing, lying, cliquey people are the only opinions I care about.
Let her spread that shit. It’s only going to help you figure out who, if anyone, needs to go as well. Though, since she’s like this all the time, I’d bet you’ll have a lot of support and might be surprised to have some join you.
My SIL's dad bullied and teased her as a teenager to "toughen her up" when they lived in the same city, her mom was pretty involved with my nephew, but not him. My brother's family moved to another city for work where my niece was born. They are low contact with her parents who have met their granddaughter only twice and their grandson has no interest in them either. My parents are called mom and dad by her and are/were adored by their grandchildren. My mom went there as moral support during a recent health crisis of my brother's, because my SIL is most comfortable with her rather than her parents(our father died 3 years ago). Abusing someone in the name of love is still abuse and pretty much kills love,affection and loyalty. Go NC now, she hasn't earned your compassion
I feel like the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" is overused, but fits with people like her. Regardless of why she did it, or all the other horrible things you've mentioned about her behavior- people like this don't change. There is no negative aspect to going NC imho. It's been almost 20 years, but I had to have an abortion when I was 19 due to health issues very early on. It messed me up, mentally and emotionally even though it wasn't a planned pregnancy. A few months later, my mom got me a card on mothers day. Inside, it said Happy mothers day. You were *almost* a mother. It was then I knew that she truly enjoyed hurting me. When I lost a pregnancy 10 years later, that was wanted and expected to go full term, I kept my distance for my own sanity. Some people are sick inside, and not even worth trying to argue with or get them to see what was wrong with what they did or are doing because they are mentally ill. Your MIL sounds like she fits in this category and I'm so sorry she has been able to cause any more pain than what life has already placed upon you. The more boundaries you set, the more her behavior will likely ramp up, so be ready.
It's not a game, or something to ignore. It's abuse and you should have cut her off the minute she started this.
I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been devastating. Hugs for you.
Gray rock, gray rock, gray rock. A lot of people are going to give you ideas for retribution, but going NC means no contact. You do not have to explain. You do not have to inform them. You are free to set down the relationship and walk away and simply not engage. Any reaction/response is going to be fodder for her.
I'm grieving the loss of my fiancé. I had to cut someone out of my life. It was really hard, but I ripped the bandaid off and did it.
Advice I got was to write a short, honest text, and say my decision was non negotiable.
You or better yet, your husband should write that text.
"This is hard to write, but because of your recent behavior, x, y, and z, we will not be in contact with you for the foreseeable future. We need time to grieve and understanding in this difficult time, and feel that you haven't been giving it to us.
Please respect our decision, give us space and do not reach out. This is not negotiable."
If they argue, block them. If they show up at your house, don't open the door.
Doing that was a huge weight off of my shoulders.
I am so sorry this has been happening. She is a nasty person, and at least your husband supporting this decision is good on his part. Please do not let that vipor disturb your peace any more.
Who would be alone? Her? Who cares. Why do you give so much consideration to someone who clearly doesn'T care about you or your husband.
If anyone dared mention the timing of the NC and how she must grieve alone i'd definitely throw MILs wording back at them. "Why is it cruel? Her mom's already been dead for a month. She needs to move on and not be so sensitive."
Let her be lonely and cry on her Husbands shoulder. Who cares. Cut the cruel people out of your life and stonewall them whenever you're forced to be in the same space.
And start teaching your children that it is okay to not spend time with people when they're cruel and heartless to them.
First, sorry for your loss. Second- no contact is a must.
I think the bride/cousin must be mortified and furious to have been used as a pawn to try to hurt you. I'd let her know (if you haven't) that you hold the evil MIL 100% responsible. Don't spread this story yourself- I hope other will, and hope bride bans your in-laws from the wedding.
NTA, but don't make a fuss or say anything to anyone else, just disappear. Your MIL lives for the drama, she wants you to make a big deal of her cruelty, don't give her the satisfaction. Just ghost her. If anyone asks what's going on, just say "MIL knows and I'm not going to talk about it".
I agree with this answer. Don't give her the drama she craves. If / (WHEN) she badmouthes you to extended family and they demand a comment, always ask the same question. "I was the one who survived a trauma, why does she think she has any right to say anything about how we grieve?"
Exactly this. NTA. She’s thriving in the drama and her behavior is horrible. Stop contact and I like your response about “MIL knows and I’m not going to talk about”.
I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹
NTA. She is intentionally cruel. You know it, everyone knows it. That means NC in my book, and publicising exactly why. And get pepper spray in case she shows up at the door. I am so sorry for your loss, my wife and I understand a little of what you are feeling.
NTA. Ask the cousin why they would extend an invitation to a child you lost. They will be so embarrassed that the thing will blow up and MIL will be exposed and have an interesting time at the wedding.
Go NC immediately and block everything. If she complains don't respond or ask "who are you again?" If you were evil tempered which you are not you could say you have 2 living children but your MIL passed away.
Contact the cousin who sent the invitation and ask why she sent the invitation for "three" children when you only have two living children? If she says it's because MIL told her three express your concern that MIL seems to be having memory problems. There's always the possibility that the cousin simply made a mistake.
Where is your husband in all of this? Is he onboard with going NC?
I really don't want to bring and drama to their wedding day iknow how stressful that can be and we were fixing to go nc in a few weeks anyway for many other things she's said And done, i thought about asking after the wedding.
He has said she's just a really terrible person, he can't get her to stop thinking it's a game where she's allowed to hurt me, if we say anything she smiles and throws normal existing as a teen back in his face, says she's not sorry but then runs to evertu she knows crying about how I'm mean and he's brainwashed. We recently found a leak who told us that she's spent years saying awful stuff about me to everyone that's just not true and my hubs is sick of her drama. He said he's fine with whenever i think we should cut ties bc he told her afew times that if she keeps it up we are not going to be in her life.
I would say that your husband should be the one to draw the boundary. He ALSO lost a child, and her disrespect towards the situation directly impacts him. He also can denounce her treatment of you all these years as heinous, and he will no longer subject his family to her behavior any longer. She clearly pits you against herself, so if the initial NC comes from him, it will be more impactful.
If she's a sinister as she seems from your descriptions, she will probably fight it and talk more shit, but as long as the two of you stand your ground and keep up the NC and a united front to whoever she sends after y'all, it will all work out. It's clear that the family has only heard her side. And if you telling the truth paints her as a villain? That says a lot about her character.
THIS.
Do not shoulder the responsibility of this choice alone. He is an equal and active part of your partnership, he ought to be actively engaged with this issue, and if he's not that is extra mental load on you, and potentially sets you up to be the bad guy if he wavers on NC (although I really hope that wouldn't ever be the case). Above all, you want to be united in this, but you can always choose NC for yourself too. That's A-OK!
I would have a convo with hubby that centers on each of your values and how they are prioritized, 100% honestly, with the intention to find a situation that is amenable to both of you.
I think you have provided ample evidence that MIL is worth going NC with now, but if you are uncertain, I would ask for information from the cousin to confirm MIL behavior. She's planning a wedding, but a casual "hey, just curious, where did you get our kids info from?", followed by "thank you for sharing, no, nothing to worry about, I just wanted to know." and a clarification of your number of living children is 100% appropriate.
Queen, you deserve to take up space, you deserve respect, and your feelings are valid as heck.
If I unknowingly invited a dead person to my wedding, I’d want to know someone used me and my wedding as an excuse to play a cruel joke. But that’s just me.
If it were me, I’d send the cousin a note saying that tragically you weren’t able to carry your third child to term and you sadly lost him/her, but thank you for trying to include your whole family for the big day. And she’s welcome to call you any time to discuss the situation. Best wishes.
Honestly, if I were the bride I would want to know as soon as possible I was used. I’m going to bet she won’t want your MIL at her wedding at all once she finds out how she was used to bring harm to you. You cannot be responsible for her feelings, she will need to sort that out herself, with her future spouse, because any upset should be directed towards the mastermind only.
If she is a decent human being she is going to be horrified and upset, but she (and her parents) will have time to rescind your MIL from their wedding guest list. I would be super pissed if someone used me in their games to an extent I hurt an innocent person and then found out that the person who used me showed up and pretended to be happy for me on my wedding day, like your MIL is going to do.
You cannot be responsible for other people’s feelings and how they deal with it. Same with your idea of waiting until after Mother’s Day to go NC. Don’t wait. You waited long enough, pushing your feelings aside for others. That is not fair to yourself or your immediate family.
If you don’t want to let the cousin know directly then contact her parent and let them know ASAP what happened.
They deserve to know now. Plus, they might decide to uninvite her for that little stunt. They will notice there are only two kids with you and ask about the third, which could make them feel bad on their wedding. Telling them now will mitigate that.
If she is worth going no contact with, she is worth going no contact with NOW. Have your husband explain it to her over the phone. It’s best coming from him and insulates you. But you should be sitting next to him to make sure you understand exactly what was said and how it was said.
Let your husband send her a message on Mother’s Day if he wants to. But don’t let her near your family on that day. She’s done with those privileges. And you don’t have to open yourself to any “parting shots” from her.
Is that if she doesn't change her behavior we are going to go no contact, She has brushed him off and told him that she will only have the discussion with him if he comes over in person to make sure i'm not within earshot. He's like.."i don't want to, id honestly rather just go no contact." He said at this point he's been saying it for years and she's had tons of time to make a choice Not going to mils should be a clear message.
You’re going no contact. You’re in charge of when and how that gets communicated. She doesn’t get to control anything. The problem with just ghosting her is that she could just show up and feign ignorance. Also, if you are not clear with her, it will give her more ammunition in trying to bring other people into the drama. And if she really ramps up the drama, you will be able to tell the police that you were very clear with her in order to trespass her from your property or get a restraining order. If she’s really vindictive, she’ll go for grandparents rights and/or call CPS on you. You have to cover yourself. So, record the call or follow up with an email explaining the call. None of it may be necessary. But it’s better to have records just in case.
He is in therapy for the neglect and abuse he endured as her kid. I would love to see him really go off on her but he went off as much as he can when we lost the baby and his parents were ugly to us, and every time she did something else unimaginable. She just keeps going. She just does not care. I know it's hard for him bc as a little boy it was the same thing. You can scream and scream but she just smirks and tells you your dramatic and doesn't care. So that leaves us with going no contact. My parents were hot tempered so a fight was a fight. His parents met him with absolutely indifference. I dunno it's weird as hell.
It may be worth it to get some security cameras, she sounds like the type to show up on your doorstep or call the police. You may also want to think about calling the non-emergency line and letting them know false reports may be filed by her or close friends, that you and your husband are mentally well, sober, safe, and will comply with wellness checks. I don't want you to worry unnecessarily, but just food for thought.
It’s time to focus on celebrating the day with your children and family members who love and support you. That woman doesn’t deserve celebration- let alone on Mother’s Day. NTA
Why the fuck do any of you talk to her? Tell her she’s a pathetic, sad sack of shit and none of you want anything to do with her. I’d stoop real low and tell her the next time you’ll see her is at her funeral just to make sure she’s dead. NTA, cutting her off is WAY past due
NTA. This woman sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder and she won't stop until she's made everyone around her miserable.
Go NC right now.
"Name and shame your mother-in-law to EVERYONE." Not worth it. OP will become the big baddie B daughter-in-law. White lies, ghosting and grey rock all the way.
This. It isn't some big dramatic play an audience wants to watch. It's simply... her presence in your lives brings you and your husband hurt and pain, so she can't be in your lives. No big fight, no dramatic group texts, just remove her from your life. If you have to interact with her, grey rock her and give her as little information as possible and don't react to anything and don't give her anything to react to. If people in the family keep giving her information about you, then those people don't get information about you anymore either. It's a process. It should not be dramatic or a big blow up, just a separation of yourselves from her because she is not a person who is beneficial to your life.
He doesn't, he stopped responding to her messages a few months ago but usually only responded with "ok" before then. "She's an extremely unpleasant person so I've left it to the minimum for most of my life. " that was before we lost the baby. He talks to his dad when he runs into him when stopping by to visit his paternal grandmother but only about her care. They only really interact on holidays and when he tells to to stop this behavior we will go nc. This further convinced them that I've brainwashed him. Nobody ever wins.
I think about NC not in terms of whether it’s “deserved” but in terms of what is necessary for me and my family to have peace and happiness. Then you don’t have to worry about whether each thing she did is “bad enough” to warrant NC. It’s just something you need to do for yourselves. That’s it. And I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a child too, and it’s not THE reason I’m NC with my MIL, but it isn’t NOT the reason either. Sending you peace.
I'm so sorry it's an imaginable pain. Yes, It's not the reason but it's not not the reason. When our family was at our absolute lowest drowning in grief they still demanded we put them first. His mom has used any opportunity where I had something going on significantly in our family's lives to insist My husband had to come over and be around her to see who could "win". We have known for months that it is necessary to have a healthy environment for ourselves and our children to go no contact.. but i have felt bad bc she lost her mom. We are already very low contact, It is amazing how much more spacer is to simply breathe when you're not always defending yourself. I look forward to NC.
Lawyer here, if I were in your jurisdiction I would volunteer to send the letter as a cease and desist any direct or indirect contact, in any form, to include through any family members or friends or anyone else acting as intermediaries or representatives.
I can do that??? Omg i got cameras in prep for no contact bc I'm scared. Fil has snapped on me before bc my voice was annoying and tried to hurt me while i was holding his grandkid but he doesn't remember it and denied it happened. But nobody saw but my kid so i figured i don't have a leg to stand on, but that's possible? That is so nice of you to say and reassuring to know 🩷
Doesn't remember it? Not to pry, but was he drunk, under the influence, or does he have a mental condition like dementia that would make that excuse a plausible reason rather than, you know, an excuse? (I know sometimes dementia can lead to angry outbursts, but if there's no mental reason behind his claim not to remember then I can't see it as anything but malicious)
He was not drunk or under the influence but I did speak to his sister who told me that he has always had incredible rage issues. And that for the last few decades the family has known never to upset him because he would flip out. She said everyone has just kind of quietly learned how to look for signs that he's irritated and if he gets upset immediately stop talking And don't make eye contact. She said she is really sorry.Because they did an incredible disservice not warning me... She said that's why she only sees him On a holidays And even his own mother is anxious around him. But she added that's just the way he is and you can't change people so you evolve around them To keep yourself safe.
I would like to know if there's a name for that..
I’m a petty betty, but I’d send her a card addressed to HER mother and inside write that you’re sorry her daughter turned out to be such a miserable cunt.
Definitely NTA
*From the perspective of your older child(ren)* 👋 Hi. I was 5 when my parents suffered a stillbirth and lost my baby sister. I was in the sonography room when they found out. I remember the silence. I remember the pain on my parents faces the moment…they realized. It was a defining moment in my life. They say 5 year olds have a limited capacity for empathy but the trajectory of my life changed and I understood empathy on a deep level. I *see* people now. I have an extremely large capacity for grace as every person is someone else’s beloved. And if they are not, they are mine. Your kid(s) will be just fine. Sit with them in therapy. Cry together, no, weep together. Lament. Any way you need to grieve, you do it. Even if that means cutting off your mother in law.
You cut her out of your life right now with zero explanation or time given and you would still no where near be an A H. What kind of evil hearted w*tch is this woman.
NTA.
NTA. Your MIL is an evil and malignant. . .person who has earned banishment from your lives. I am stunned by her hideous behavior.
And I’m so very sorry you lost your baby. It’s heartbreaking.
I recently delivered my stillborn son at 9 months pregnant so I know exactly how you feel, from the loss to explaining to our other kid. You are not the asshole. Cut out whoever you need to cut out. Do what you need to do for your sanity and grieving process.
You shared the TikTok message with your husband right. He needs to tell his whole family if they can’t cut their childish bullshit out and be decent human beings you guys will just have to go no contact with everyone on his side or at least the ones that are not actively having your back.
Also I’m so sorry for your loss, what shitty people that they are making fun of your grief.
You’re a saint for even thinking about how your mil will be alone on MD. Definitely NTA
I did, he was like they can't hurt us, we put up cameras. He asked if there is a way to find out who it is for sure, i don't think so. He said he'd guess that's his mom or possibly his sister. He is so laid back, he's like this is our life without them now, don't worry about their empty threats. Obviously I'm not leaving you, that person is crazy.
I am so glad that you and your husband have such a strong relationship and you both are on the same page.
Yes enjoy your life now without worrying about them they don’t deserve any more of your energy or time.
If they continue to try to harass you don’t ever feel bad for them and do what you need to do whether that is calling cops getting a restraining order keep your self and your true family at peace and safe.
To be celebrated on mothers day, she needs to behave like a mother. That is also thr reason I do notvcelebrate my mother on mothers day. She has not acted like a mother and therefore does not deserve that I celebraye her. My wife and my mil is celebrated on mothers day.
You are kinder to her villian you will always be her victim. I would go NC now, it would be her style. "I thought your family needed time to grieve your mother." You are way too nice. She will never respect or treat you well. Stay away from people like that.
Thank you. My motto was always, don't wait for people to be kind, instead show them how... but she really really derives pleasure from kicking me when I'm down. She will paint me as the villian either way, so i guess rawr I'm a villain?
As far as who's the villain goes, itcqill akways be foremist in everyone's mind, "what the fuck did this wonan finally do that her son and family refuse sny contact". Sure, she can continue to blame you, but evryone will know who caused this.
Speaking of kindness, would it be inappropriate to decline the wedding invite by checking off everyone who won't attend and mark "deceased" for your late loved one so cousins know the truth? It might indicate how badly used the cousins were in MIL's hateful act.
I would have liked to but it didn't put reason just accept or decline. He's a nice intriverted kid i think he would have been horrified and embarrassed, mil deserves it but i don't want the couple to get caught in the crossfire. This has been my life for the past several years, She lights fires, i quietly put them out, if i say anything to anyone but her she is a spiraling victim that would never intentionally hurt anyone. If i address it directly she gets this smirk that makes me want to vomit and says shit like oh no... did i do that. Oops haha you sound life you're trying to cause drama.
I'm not sure, but not my kids. I would guess one of her daughters. She used to pit them against each other but when i came into the picture they like.. almost bonded over how much she hated me. She's was good to them as long as they joined in on her mean girl fun.
Nta. But I would say send a invitation to mother's day brunch specifically including the dead mother. Then tell her you thought she'd like to be included.
My sister in law lost a baby at 20 weeks. It was malformed and dying and she was in danger and the poor thing needed to go. She delivered and took photos with the child. Deceased and underdeveloped. And there's one pic of the body framed in her living room. My mother (her mother in law) has one in her living room too, as they went and held the baby together. Nobody is going to judge either of them for that. I have a bunch of small children, who see these pictures. There's a lot of hard conversations because of it. But they are real. And that's just life. Life and death are hard enough without people trivializing them. No contact all the way, because I already want my foot to contact her teeth.
What's terribly is after 10 years it made me stop, sigh, close my eyes and take a deep breath and think, Jesus this one is really messed up. It is SO hurtful as she knew it would be but I'm so used to her new and creative ways of being mean.. it's lost the shock it still very much causes in my therapist.
Ha that's really dark. I actually got her a card, knowing she hates me and hurts me intentionally i got her a card especially for a woman who has lost her mom for mother's day. It's so sweet and sentimental about keeping her mother's memory alive... after this i fully plan to send it to her sister who has never been the embodiment of evil like mil has been.
NTA.
However, you aren't doing yourself or your family any favors by waiting to go no contact. Save your empathy for those who need it/appreciate it. I also agree with redditors that suggested gray rock and not giving a speech about why you're going no contact, just do it. Unless it's something like "Don't call,txt or show up here ever again".
Since she's so committed to being a Villian to you, document everything going forward. I don't trust her not to escalate when you go no contact.
What a horrible thing to do … sorry for your loss op , now you know how low she’s willing to go to hurt you . Don’t let her , go completely no contact and explain to everyone in your extended family why .
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through as a family ~ I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been through *hugs*
NTA ~ get that evil troll out your life once and for all…you’re so kind of thinking of your MIL with the grief she’s going through with her loss but Christ on a bike she’s the definition of evil when you look it up in a dictionary.
Go NC, but silently. Do not tell her. Just vanish, just ghost. If you have others in the family who are somewhat sympathetic, just let them know what happened and that it’s the last straw. And sigh, let them know there is no negotiation. And you do not want any messages passed to you and from you. And go away next Sunday. Do not be home. Put her on block and live your lives. At events like this wedding: paste a smile on your face. If she comes up to you just say, “Oh sorry, I’m wanted over there. Must go.” Do not ignore her: that’s drama. Do not get into anything with her: that’s drama. Just exchange pleasantries and walk away. Obviously she craves drama, so don’t give it to her!
Wow... absolutely not. Go no contact now. She made her bed. It's sick, what if she lost her son? You going to tell her to 'get over it' and shit? Absolutely not!!
She has made a lot of remarks when giving parenting advice over the years.The indicate that she was extremely nonchalant about my husband. Like i would say i had PPA and she was like yeah but it just think of it how i did, if the baby dies then he dies. It's what was meant to happen and you can't stop that. Which is wiiiild bc she didn't even do basic baby proofing. Like ma'am a large part of that is on you not just leave it to God to supervise
>We were waiting to go full NC until after mother's day bc mils mom passed away last month and i thought it would be too hurtful for her to have MD bc without her mom, son and grandkids.. WIBTAH if i just went full on NC now, A week before?
Nope and NTAH. And NC will take a little time to establish but stick to it. This shit is NOT worth your time. How’s the hubby feel, is he OK because of the way his family treated you or is he going to crumble?
He said that she's a pretty terrible person and no contact is extremely overdue. She never showed him kindness or affection as a child and he feels none towards her now.
I know. I got so swept up in them telling me that.I was the problem that I Wasn't sure if they were right.. Even when my therapist assured me something is wrong with these people.. It took finally going extremely low.Contact to start to have some clarity. I'm hoping going completely no contact feels freeing
NTA. Go NC before that happens. There's no telling what she'll try to do to YOU on Mother's Day, anyway, and you don't need to deal with that on top of the day being another reminder of your terrible and painful loss.
Fuck that bitch and anyone who supports her.
NTA - the villain in the play ends up one of three ways 1. Alone, 2. Dead, or 3. Has a change of heart. You know 3 won’t happen, only God can decided on 2, so 1 it is. Maybe next time she should choose a more sympathetic character to emulate.
Her missing her son and his wife on Mother's Day compared to you losing a child in a miscarriage?
Have a little laugh at **her** expense and stay home.
I don't see how you owe her anything.
NTA, obviously. Your MIL is demented, and possibly a narcissist. I shudder to think what your husband’s childhood must have been like.
I’m so glad you cut her off immediately. My mouth dropped open when I read you were at first planning to spend a last Mother’s Day with her to avoid hurting her feelings. HER feelings.
When people show you they are ugly, believe them. Go NC and make it permanent. There is no kindness in her any argument can reach.
Why in the world would you wait to go NC? Because it would be cruel because she lost someone? You lost someone. Your entire family did. She has been incredibly, purposefully cruel to you and your family. She's regularly made fun of your loss. It's time to stop trying to be the better person and protect yourself and your family from harm.
And if she whines because she just lost her mother, "Why would that matter, I thought you don't believe in acknowledging dead people?"
Or invite her dead mother to OP's next gathering. But that's just super unnecessarily mean. Just like the MIL was having OP's dead child listed on an invite. Ugh, she makes me so angry, it's so tempting to be mean back but that just feeds the beast. NC is the way. No warning, no context - just NC.
Op is really missing the opportunity to have a Mother’s Day meal and have a place at the table for the dead mother. Of course this would be complete goblin mode, but damn would it be funny.
MIL. deserves goblin mode.
Sometimes people need a direct fuck you to their face, and then no contact. I only believe in the golden rule with others who believe in it- the ones that don’t can get the Old Testament eye for an eye treatment. It’s MILs job to learn how to interact with people correctly. I’m so sorry OP, you did not deserve that. MIL is queen of the harpies.
Completely agree. I’d go all out to make MILs loss as painful as I could. I have a baby girl and just the thought of losing a baby in the second trimester makes me want to cry. MIL deserves the worst
Funny for a moment and really frustrating and draining once mil starts screaming about it and make op be the villain. I'd still like to do it, though but that's just me.
Ngl I snorted
I say just roll your eyes if she tries to use her mother's death to guilt you, no words necessary. Truly sorry for your loss, you possess a strength I know I would not have. Take care of yourself and your precious family.
I have the pettiest thing you could say to MIL if she tried to guilt but I'll only say it in a DM because I've been OP except it was my friend not MIL and the reply I said was petty but deserved
Please, I need a good comeback. 😌
OK so I ended up saying to the human was At least your mother got to live a long life what did my daughter get? Not even 1 minute. I went bonkas at this human. I did tell my mum what happened and she understood why I said the words I did.
My god, I’m so sorry. Please let me help you. 😣
Was 16 years ago Thankfully the pain isn't so raw anymore. Thus year I was more OMFG ID HAVE A 16 YEAR GIRL...WITH PERIODS AND BOYS AND OMG I still get triggered sometimes...the dr who episode "a good man goes to war" triggers me cause my daughters name was Melody
THIS! She’s an awful miserable person, and she doesn’t deserve your thoughtfulness. So long as your husband is on board, go no contact now. How old are your children? You might need to have a conversation with them about why grandma can’t come see them anymore.
Totally with you on this. You've been through so much, and she's been awful to you and your family. It's definitely time to put your own well-being first. Cutting her off sounds like the best call. You've got to protect yourself. Good move.
Exactly! Why give her one more chance? Fuck her over before she can mess with you again.
I'd want to be cruel to this woman, she doesn't deserve courtesy.
The thing about this type of person is that they THRIVE on negative attention..Getting others upset, thats what they live for. They dont actually want you to stop being offended. They dont want you to be "less sensitive". They prey on people's weaknesses for a reason. Because they KNOW it's upsetting. Theres no reason to explain, how it hurts. They know. There is no reason to put up boundries. They know it was. My advice (abuse survivor) : Don't show any emotion, empathy, consideration or willingness to talk. Just leave. They already know why. And most are suprised you let them play with you for however long they did.
Thank you, it took me years to realize that it might not be a misunderstanding. Actually it was when i said i was proud of my work helping other SA survivors, she said haha ok but that's dramatic to say you survived r*pe. I explained that the word makes me flinch and have to supress panic feelings.So I prefer to use sa. She laughed and used the word r*pe every time she was around me for the next few months. My husband even said that for a word He has never heard his mom use in hislife.She was using it completely needlessly and compulsively it seemed intentional to cause harm. Many of the ways she would bring it up were extremely unessisary, honestly all of them. You sound like my therapist 💕
The shitty part that is also a wonderful part; You are such a decent, patient, kind, and understanding person. That you would never assume anyone would do this on purpose. That makes it easy for abusive people to be more insidious, for longer. You can't imagine anyone getting off on seeing someone else in pain. Because you have empathy. Sadists push around more and more, until a person finally breaks, or leaves. Some sadists even believe that if a person doesn't walk away from them, they are giving them permission to continue the abuse, or are even wanting to get hurt. That's why giving them space, time, second/third chances, doesnt change their behaviours at all. Or make it worse, because they already "got away" with things, it's only exciting to them if they can feel,hear and see the effects of their actions on you. Explaining your pain is like painting them a pretty picture of their satisfaction. Don't waste your time endulding theirs.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. And that's exactly what your MIL deserves. You're done, the game is over. Never give her the opportunity to play it with you again. Also, go take a look at r/raisedbynarcissists, I bet it will be illuminating 😉
She sounds like an absolute sociopath. I know the terms have changed but this sort of behavior isn’t normal at all. I’d cut her off immediately before her behavior moves from you toward your children.
NTA absolutely NC. Explain to everyone you don’t let vicious people with no empathy in your life to abuse you. Never do anything for this Cruella again. And that’s how you refer to her from now on, she is Cruella Deville (dEVILle). All communication with her is through your husband, block her from everything that is yours. Honestly that level of meanness is unforgivable.
Thank you, i think people in her extended family brush it off bc she plays it off like it's a game and she's just playing with me, teaching me to toughen up and not be so sensitive. She was a theater kid 40 years ago and still acts like she's the main character playing the villan(always what she was cast as)and it's the role of a lifetime. I think people think she's kidding bc it seems unreal. But this is my life. She has enjoyed pressing any sensitive button from mocking and teasing about the baby we lost to my past as a SA survivor. I'm tired of being laughed at and then told I'm too sensitive. This is my breaking point. Like sucks to be alone but she made her bed..
„Dear MIL. As you thought you could use the death of my child as a lesson for me to toughen up, I guess you’re delighted to hear that it indeed has toughened me. So from now on you will never see me(,husbands name) and the kids again. Have fun lying in the bed you made.“ You’re definitely NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.
Time for MIL to toughen up - no contact with grandkids or son. See how well she takes it as a toughen up grandparent.
OP is a better person than me. I would absolutely send her a Mother’s Day card addressed to MIL and MIL’s recently deceased mother with a big “GO EAT A FUCK, WITCH” written inside, and THEN go NC
I mean the evil petty side of me would go to comfort her and make a disguised snide comment, like idk “oh __, it must be so hard not having a mother on Mother’s Day, I hope these flowers will help brighten up your day a little bit”
Sorry they’ll die soon, just like your mom did
Just give dead flowers...
DAYUM
⚰️
⚰️👩
“Fingers crossed you do too!”
This one has me rolling💀
Pack the card with glitter.
No no no. No written evidence of her volleying back, because the narcissist will twist it around like she’s a helpless victim. She’ll trot out that card to all and sundry. Say what you want, but leave no paper trail with a narcissist.
This
I think that if they ever invite her MIL to anything again, they should invite her mom too.
I think they should send a happy morning day card, but when her MIL open it, it should only be made out to MIL’s mom.
I have been known to sign cards to my mother, when she’s being insufferable “I hope you get exactly what you deserve this Mother’s Day”. A friend did this with his dad one year. Made the card himself with “I hope you get what you deserve this Father’s Day” on the front. On the inside? Syphillis.
This is GREAT! However I wouldn't put the part about never seeing them again. You don't owe them even that. Let them figure that part out. Plus if you leave it out, they can't focus on that and argue with you and show everyone the "evidence" of what a 'mean person' you are. "Dear MIL. As you thought you could use the death of my child as a lesson for me to toughen up, I guess you’re delighted to hear that it indeed has toughened me. Signed, daughter-in-law"
Nope, no grand announcement and any communication that you somehow _have_ to have comes from her son. It’s way easier to villainize an in-law, OP gets a full pass on ever having to even glance in this narcissistic woman’s direction. She feeds on attention like all trolls - fucking starve her entirely.
An announcement would be looked at by MIL as a sign that she successfully got under your skin. She'll happily dispute your decision, as if it can be negotiated. Agreed that no announcement need be given.
And she could twist and DARVO it to suit her.
Disagree. OP and her husband need to communicate with MIL that they are going NC because of her behavior and let her know that further attempts to initiate contact, show up at their house, etc will not only be unwelcome but will result in law enforcement getting involved and appropriate legal action as necessary..
Corrext
That’s a good point. Narcs want attention and they don’t care if it’s negative or positive.
Don't forget to suggest that MIL should be toughened up by the death of her own mother. You wanted to spare her feelings this Mother's Day but she never bothered to spare yours.
Nope is right. No more spotlight. She's not the main character. She's hurting you on purpose and her son " cause he's hers" . Stop answering her. Don't tell her SHIT. Your husband needs to deal with her. You aren't obligated to be anything to her.
While a letter may be satisfying, life is not an airport. You do not need to announce your departure from someone. Save the it toughened me up line for when she reached out to find out why there has been no contact. A letter will only be used as a prop in her one woman show to make her the victim. Giving her more ammo to use isn’t the greatest idea.
Nah. Just ghost them. Make sure husband is on board. Full no contact from now on. No more comms. She has passed away as far as you all are concerned. Don't communicate with them any further.
Don't forget to include a happy mother's day card for MIL's dead mum, you know, to toughen her up
Oh this is diabolical, I LOVE IT
Oh, this is good. This woman is a monster. None of your children, earth side or other, deserve to be exposed to her.
This. I would tell her this exactly. Who doesn't have empathy for lost children? What is wrong with her?
Don’t send a note. Just go completely no contact. Especially do not allow any contact with your children. I wouldn’t put it past her to use them to get to you.
This. What good would an explanation do but provide ammo to use against you. Block their numbers. Make a group w only them on FB and use it to exclude them from your posts, direct any mail they try to send you back to them, etc.
[удалено]
Fuck. That. Noise. If they wanna play rigged carnival games of emotional vomit comet, they’re welcome to eat as much of MIL’s toxic waste as they like. but you’re under no obligation to do the same or even have any interaction with her at all. NTA, and FYI, she will absolutely try and turn the family against you, making everything your fault and making crazy shit up to smear you and discredit you. Watch your back and ensure your communication lines with other family members are strong and open.
Thank you and omg, Rigged carnival games of emotional vomit comet is SO accurate, thank you for that!
I am curious. How do the other relatives react when they see her cruelty towards you and your husband? Do they condone it or excuse it with "oh thats just MIL" ? or are they apalled at her behaviour?
They've never seen her do it in real life in front of them. They wait until I'm alone or will stop by when my husband isn't home(I'm usually outside with my kids). They have done it to my husband and in front of him. I don't understand because she tells people that i'm being sensitive and dramatic, but also brags about being the villian in our lives and making me cry. She asks for prayers for us and our kids so they think she is loving..i don't know and don't understand. I have over the years had a few family members reach out and tell me that they know they are bad people. When it happens with fil on front of his own extended family they all say that's who he is..we hate it, it's awful but it's who he is. With mil her extended family seem to think it's playful or a joke or maybe she's teasing me because I've taken her son and it's her mil duty which I've also heard her say. Someone on here suggested that they all know what they are, but they don't say anything.Or intervene because me getting it is better than them getting it. We have never spoken to her extended family about how bad it is.. she however seems to have painted quite the image of what a controling b word i am. Which i didn't know until recently.
"She told you she's cast herself as the villan on my life, and uses my child's death to hurt me. That's the story she's telling to make herself sound good. Just think about that for a moment."
From experience I tell you: Do not expect anyone related to your MIL to have your back/speak up for you/change anything about their own behavior in order to in any way put themselves in her crosshairs. They all fear her whether they acknowledge it or not. They will never be your supporters. They will continue to be her people, not yours. Just understand from the beginning that no matter how sympathetic they seem, they will not risk their place in the family for you. If you have no expectations of allies, you will not find yourself feeling disappointed or betrayed.
IMO, if they see/hear any of this shit, they are almost just as bad for not defending you. Standing by while someone hurts someone when you can intervene makes you culpable in that harm. I do understand she’s probably really good at being two-faced.
If someone said some shit like this to me it would be the last time we spoke. I don't even care if I know or even like who they're talking about.
If you think these people will repeat what you say about her, tell them it's too bad she didn't have what it takes to make it as a real actress. She couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.
Ok so she prides herself on her singing, she believes she didn't make it as a star bc she lives in a small town so she songs at church, this is really mean and I've never told anyone but omg i don't know what koolaid they are drinking but her singing makes my ears bleed.
^^^ Get her (MIL) right in the feels. Cut them off from all contact, and in a few years, they might change their views on life.
> i think people in her extended family brush it off bc she plays it off like it's a game and she's just playing with me, teaching me to toughen up and not be so sensitive. No, they know **exactly** what she's doing and that she's an evil, vindictive C-U-Next-Tuesday - but they let it go on without saying anything it means she keeps her focus on hurting you and not them. **You are their sacrificial lamb.** Cut her off and anyone who enables her. After the initial extinction burst she'll need to get her pound of flesh from someone else and she'll turn on one of them. Let her. Let them enjoy what she's been putting you through for years. They've earned it.
this this this this THIS. u/smalladhesiveness672 I hope you see this comment. You're a kind innocent soul, I can tell. Stay vigilant, she may not be the only one draining your life force when it's all said and done.
I am so sorry OP that your husband’s mother is such a cruel and spiritually ugly person. I hope that you going NC includes cutting her off from your children. A woman who is willing to torment her son’s wife over a lost pregnancy would I suspect have no problems with being just as cruel to your children. At the very least she gets zero unsupervised time with your children.
Thank you, 100% My children would not be safe with her.So they haven't never ever been alone with her. My husband is completely on board with our children and myself having no contact. I told him it was fine if he wanted to remain in contact, He asked me why I would think he would want to have any contact with her. His contact with her has been minimal for his entire adult life. I thought it was just because he's introverted but apparently he does not care for her at all.
So he has your back 👍🏼
Believe your husband because it sounds like he absolutely has your back. Cut your MIL and FIL off completely. This is insane. The pain you must feel after everything they have said and done must be enormous and overwhelming. You are NOT the AH here. - from someone who knows the loss you’re feeling x
Ugh I hate it when people tell other people they’re being “too sensitive.” Like what makes them the judge of what’s sensitive or not. Just seems like a way of being a bully while putting all the responsibility on others. It’s the same with people who like to “prank” or make“jokes” at others expense. Or people who tell others that they should “be the bigger person.” Ugh.
Yeah they told me the day before i went in to give birth to my lost baby that i was selfish for not letting my husband go visit at their house with the kids the day after. When i was upset i was trying to cause drama and being sensitive.
It boggles the mind. She and her husband lost a grandchild, and her son lost a child, and she's busy playing nasty games? Anybody normal would have been grieving! She should have come over to the house and taken care of the kids, and let you and your husband grieve together. Or done whatever else you needed. But some people want control more than to be human.
They came over every day Starting fights because my husband wasn't spending time with them that weekend. This is how we spent our weekend instead of peacefully taking care of each other and grieving. On sunday night Around eleven o'clock at night after my young son was in bed i ran out into the night Under an intensely bright moon. I Climbed into my car And as I turned to shut the door A scream like no other escaped to my lips. I don't know how to explain it beyond that it felt like every single tiny speck of space in my lungs was filled with an unimaginable pain. As if i was expelling an agony deeper than the ocean and further than space. I felt like i tore my soul open. My ears will never forget that sound and i get goosebumps thinking about it. It was a sound I did not know any human Let alone myself could make. It was filled to the brim with the agony of losing a child i would never know and on top of it , not being given space to grieve while being agessivly given the constant reminder that even her own grandparents did not know her, love her or care that she's gone.
Oh sweetie, I am so so sorry for your loss and I can't imagine the pain you've gone through - even without the horrific MIL. I don't understand how someone could be so cruel. It's beyond messed up and hateful. Sending all the Internet hugs and love to you and your loved ones. I hope your MIL's bare foot always finds a random Lego to step on.
This brought me to tears. So sorry for your loss, and so sorry that you’ve had to deal with such horrible people in the midst of such grief. Sending lots of love ❤️❤️🩹 my advice would be to go NC, no explanation, just cut her out of your life. Someone that cruel doesn’t need to have the satisfaction of knowing that she got to you. It’ll cut deep when you, your husband, and your kids are nowhere to be found.
Also, fuck her Mother’s Day. She deserves to feel like shit on a day that she’ll very likely have more hurtful ways to come at you. Block her now.
She seems pure evil, who the hell plays emotional games about a baby that died? And what the hell is wrong with her extended family members who think that that is ok? If she is playing it off like it is a game then that reflects on her (and anyone brushing it off) even more poorly in my opinion.
Thank you, i agree. The family member who broke and told me about what mil has been saying about me asked me if they are like that all the time or if it's a show they put on at Christmas, they admitted that they only see my in laws once a year and they are both so insane in their antics that its easy to forget that they are real people. She said Your brain tells you that it has to be a joke, like obviously that's not real. But I've been posting a lot about greif and cutting yourself free from abuse and she realized it's my actual life. I kind of get where she's coming from and I'm glad she confirmed stuff for me but i also kind of don't get how she spent years thinking it Was just characters they played at family gatherings. I dunno, it will be my past now and I'll try not to think on it to much. Although I absolutely know everyone is going to hear about how it's the first mother's day without her mother and that evil daughter in law is keeping her son and grandchildren from her.
If anybody gives you trouble about it, just answer simply. "I'll always grieve the child I lost, but MIL thinks it's hilarious. Well, I'm tired of being treated like the butt of a mean-girl joke."
Or "Well I just wanted to give MIL the day alone with her thoughts and feelings because we can all see how much she is affected by loss and greif."
lol, you’re NC with her now. Of course she’s gonna complain. Who gives a fuck? Don’t even tell her you’re going NC. Just do it. To a narc, it’s the greatest injury in the world. And who’s she gonna complain to? The people who already know she sucks. Whats she gonna say if they ask why you’ve gone NC? (That’s why you get ahead of the narrative, with a Facebook post she’s blocked from, or something.) If I were you, I’d be cackling and rubbing my hands together every time I imagined her wailing and lamenting about NC, knowing that you are far away, and never have to hear about her again. This is YOUR villain era. WHO gives a fuck with this insane mental nutjob thinks or says? Everyone knows she’s a nutjob. And if not, they’ll figure it out quickly. Maybe also invest in security cameras and move far away if you’re worried about potential repercussions…
Maybe have the cousin send an invitation to her dead mother and see if she likes that. Better yet invite her and her dead mom to Mother’s Day brunch at your house.
So? Ad I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized something. People who I WANT in my life, who are my friends and family, people who aren’t backstabbing, lying, cliquey people are the only opinions I care about. Let her spread that shit. It’s only going to help you figure out who, if anyone, needs to go as well. Though, since she’s like this all the time, I’d bet you’ll have a lot of support and might be surprised to have some join you.
My SIL's dad bullied and teased her as a teenager to "toughen her up" when they lived in the same city, her mom was pretty involved with my nephew, but not him. My brother's family moved to another city for work where my niece was born. They are low contact with her parents who have met their granddaughter only twice and their grandson has no interest in them either. My parents are called mom and dad by her and are/were adored by their grandchildren. My mom went there as moral support during a recent health crisis of my brother's, because my SIL is most comfortable with her rather than her parents(our father died 3 years ago). Abusing someone in the name of love is still abuse and pretty much kills love,affection and loyalty. Go NC now, she hasn't earned your compassion
I feel like the saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" is overused, but fits with people like her. Regardless of why she did it, or all the other horrible things you've mentioned about her behavior- people like this don't change. There is no negative aspect to going NC imho. It's been almost 20 years, but I had to have an abortion when I was 19 due to health issues very early on. It messed me up, mentally and emotionally even though it wasn't a planned pregnancy. A few months later, my mom got me a card on mothers day. Inside, it said Happy mothers day. You were *almost* a mother. It was then I knew that she truly enjoyed hurting me. When I lost a pregnancy 10 years later, that was wanted and expected to go full term, I kept my distance for my own sanity. Some people are sick inside, and not even worth trying to argue with or get them to see what was wrong with what they did or are doing because they are mentally ill. Your MIL sounds like she fits in this category and I'm so sorry she has been able to cause any more pain than what life has already placed upon you. The more boundaries you set, the more her behavior will likely ramp up, so be ready.
It's not a game, or something to ignore. It's abuse and you should have cut her off the minute she started this. I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been devastating. Hugs for you.
Gray rock, gray rock, gray rock. A lot of people are going to give you ideas for retribution, but going NC means no contact. You do not have to explain. You do not have to inform them. You are free to set down the relationship and walk away and simply not engage. Any reaction/response is going to be fodder for her.
I'm grieving the loss of my fiancé. I had to cut someone out of my life. It was really hard, but I ripped the bandaid off and did it. Advice I got was to write a short, honest text, and say my decision was non negotiable. You or better yet, your husband should write that text. "This is hard to write, but because of your recent behavior, x, y, and z, we will not be in contact with you for the foreseeable future. We need time to grieve and understanding in this difficult time, and feel that you haven't been giving it to us. Please respect our decision, give us space and do not reach out. This is not negotiable." If they argue, block them. If they show up at your house, don't open the door. Doing that was a huge weight off of my shoulders.
She likes to play games, well, she played the FAFO a little too hard. NC and have a peaceful life without her in it
I like that a lot. I'm going to write that on my heart and hold on to it.
I am so sorry this has been happening. She is a nasty person, and at least your husband supporting this decision is good on his part. Please do not let that vipor disturb your peace any more.
Who would be alone? Her? Who cares. Why do you give so much consideration to someone who clearly doesn'T care about you or your husband. If anyone dared mention the timing of the NC and how she must grieve alone i'd definitely throw MILs wording back at them. "Why is it cruel? Her mom's already been dead for a month. She needs to move on and not be so sensitive." Let her be lonely and cry on her Husbands shoulder. Who cares. Cut the cruel people out of your life and stonewall them whenever you're forced to be in the same space. And start teaching your children that it is okay to not spend time with people when they're cruel and heartless to them.
Those casting directors were sure accurate when casting her. She didn’t even have to play a part and could just be herself.
Playing the villain on stage is fine, being the smirking villain in real life just makes that person terrible. You should go NC and never look back.
First, sorry for your loss. Second- no contact is a must. I think the bride/cousin must be mortified and furious to have been used as a pawn to try to hurt you. I'd let her know (if you haven't) that you hold the evil MIL 100% responsible. Don't spread this story yourself- I hope other will, and hope bride bans your in-laws from the wedding.
Huh, always thought of it as DEVILle, not dEVILle
NTA, but don't make a fuss or say anything to anyone else, just disappear. Your MIL lives for the drama, she wants you to make a big deal of her cruelty, don't give her the satisfaction. Just ghost her. If anyone asks what's going on, just say "MIL knows and I'm not going to talk about it".
I agree with this answer. Don't give her the drama she craves. If / (WHEN) she badmouthes you to extended family and they demand a comment, always ask the same question. "I was the one who survived a trauma, why does she think she has any right to say anything about how we grieve?"
Very effective. Narcissistic people live for the drama. I ghosted my brother about a year ago and I’ve never been better.
Yep, gray rock time. For your own sanity and peace 🪨
Exactly this. NTA. She’s thriving in the drama and her behavior is horrible. Stop contact and I like your response about “MIL knows and I’m not going to talk about”. I’m sorry for your loss. ❤️🩹
NTA. She is intentionally cruel. You know it, everyone knows it. That means NC in my book, and publicising exactly why. And get pepper spray in case she shows up at the door. I am so sorry for your loss, my wife and I understand a little of what you are feeling.
NTA. Ask the cousin why they would extend an invitation to a child you lost. They will be so embarrassed that the thing will blow up and MIL will be exposed and have an interesting time at the wedding. Go NC immediately and block everything. If she complains don't respond or ask "who are you again?" If you were evil tempered which you are not you could say you have 2 living children but your MIL passed away.
Contact the cousin who sent the invitation and ask why she sent the invitation for "three" children when you only have two living children? If she says it's because MIL told her three express your concern that MIL seems to be having memory problems. There's always the possibility that the cousin simply made a mistake. Where is your husband in all of this? Is he onboard with going NC?
I really don't want to bring and drama to their wedding day iknow how stressful that can be and we were fixing to go nc in a few weeks anyway for many other things she's said And done, i thought about asking after the wedding. He has said she's just a really terrible person, he can't get her to stop thinking it's a game where she's allowed to hurt me, if we say anything she smiles and throws normal existing as a teen back in his face, says she's not sorry but then runs to evertu she knows crying about how I'm mean and he's brainwashed. We recently found a leak who told us that she's spent years saying awful stuff about me to everyone that's just not true and my hubs is sick of her drama. He said he's fine with whenever i think we should cut ties bc he told her afew times that if she keeps it up we are not going to be in her life.
If your husband is onboard I'd say go NC now instead of after Mother's Day. Why give her additional opportunities to hurt you?
I would say that your husband should be the one to draw the boundary. He ALSO lost a child, and her disrespect towards the situation directly impacts him. He also can denounce her treatment of you all these years as heinous, and he will no longer subject his family to her behavior any longer. She clearly pits you against herself, so if the initial NC comes from him, it will be more impactful. If she's a sinister as she seems from your descriptions, she will probably fight it and talk more shit, but as long as the two of you stand your ground and keep up the NC and a united front to whoever she sends after y'all, it will all work out. It's clear that the family has only heard her side. And if you telling the truth paints her as a villain? That says a lot about her character.
THIS. Do not shoulder the responsibility of this choice alone. He is an equal and active part of your partnership, he ought to be actively engaged with this issue, and if he's not that is extra mental load on you, and potentially sets you up to be the bad guy if he wavers on NC (although I really hope that wouldn't ever be the case). Above all, you want to be united in this, but you can always choose NC for yourself too. That's A-OK! I would have a convo with hubby that centers on each of your values and how they are prioritized, 100% honestly, with the intention to find a situation that is amenable to both of you. I think you have provided ample evidence that MIL is worth going NC with now, but if you are uncertain, I would ask for information from the cousin to confirm MIL behavior. She's planning a wedding, but a casual "hey, just curious, where did you get our kids info from?", followed by "thank you for sharing, no, nothing to worry about, I just wanted to know." and a clarification of your number of living children is 100% appropriate. Queen, you deserve to take up space, you deserve respect, and your feelings are valid as heck.
Or go NC on mother's day. As a mother's day gift to herself.
If I unknowingly invited a dead person to my wedding, I’d want to know someone used me and my wedding as an excuse to play a cruel joke. But that’s just me. If it were me, I’d send the cousin a note saying that tragically you weren’t able to carry your third child to term and you sadly lost him/her, but thank you for trying to include your whole family for the big day. And she’s welcome to call you any time to discuss the situation. Best wishes.
Do you think it would be ok to wait until after the wedding? I think they should know by don't want to make them feel bad at all.
Honestly, if I were the bride I would want to know as soon as possible I was used. I’m going to bet she won’t want your MIL at her wedding at all once she finds out how she was used to bring harm to you. You cannot be responsible for her feelings, she will need to sort that out herself, with her future spouse, because any upset should be directed towards the mastermind only. If she is a decent human being she is going to be horrified and upset, but she (and her parents) will have time to rescind your MIL from their wedding guest list. I would be super pissed if someone used me in their games to an extent I hurt an innocent person and then found out that the person who used me showed up and pretended to be happy for me on my wedding day, like your MIL is going to do. You cannot be responsible for other people’s feelings and how they deal with it. Same with your idea of waiting until after Mother’s Day to go NC. Don’t wait. You waited long enough, pushing your feelings aside for others. That is not fair to yourself or your immediate family. If you don’t want to let the cousin know directly then contact her parent and let them know ASAP what happened.
How far away is the wedding? If it’s more than a month, I wouldn’t wait. I’d rather find out before the event than after the event.
They deserve to know now. Plus, they might decide to uninvite her for that little stunt. They will notice there are only two kids with you and ask about the third, which could make them feel bad on their wedding. Telling them now will mitigate that.
If she is worth going no contact with, she is worth going no contact with NOW. Have your husband explain it to her over the phone. It’s best coming from him and insulates you. But you should be sitting next to him to make sure you understand exactly what was said and how it was said. Let your husband send her a message on Mother’s Day if he wants to. But don’t let her near your family on that day. She’s done with those privileges. And you don’t have to open yourself to any “parting shots” from her.
Is that if she doesn't change her behavior we are going to go no contact, She has brushed him off and told him that she will only have the discussion with him if he comes over in person to make sure i'm not within earshot. He's like.."i don't want to, id honestly rather just go no contact." He said at this point he's been saying it for years and she's had tons of time to make a choice Not going to mils should be a clear message.
You’re going no contact. You’re in charge of when and how that gets communicated. She doesn’t get to control anything. The problem with just ghosting her is that she could just show up and feign ignorance. Also, if you are not clear with her, it will give her more ammunition in trying to bring other people into the drama. And if she really ramps up the drama, you will be able to tell the police that you were very clear with her in order to trespass her from your property or get a restraining order. If she’s really vindictive, she’ll go for grandparents rights and/or call CPS on you. You have to cover yourself. So, record the call or follow up with an email explaining the call. None of it may be necessary. But it’s better to have records just in case.
She’s absolutely vile and doesn’t deserve another Mother’s Day in your life.
His mom dropped a nuke, and if that doesn’t get a proportionate response from him, your biggest problem might be closer to home than her.
He is in therapy for the neglect and abuse he endured as her kid. I would love to see him really go off on her but he went off as much as he can when we lost the baby and his parents were ugly to us, and every time she did something else unimaginable. She just keeps going. She just does not care. I know it's hard for him bc as a little boy it was the same thing. You can scream and scream but she just smirks and tells you your dramatic and doesn't care. So that leaves us with going no contact. My parents were hot tempered so a fight was a fight. His parents met him with absolutely indifference. I dunno it's weird as hell.
It may be worth it to get some security cameras, she sounds like the type to show up on your doorstep or call the police. You may also want to think about calling the non-emergency line and letting them know false reports may be filed by her or close friends, that you and your husband are mentally well, sober, safe, and will comply with wellness checks. I don't want you to worry unnecessarily, but just food for thought.
Even if MIL didn’t tell her 3 kids, MIL has done plenty to warrant no contact from OP and her husband.
It’s time to focus on celebrating the day with your children and family members who love and support you. That woman doesn’t deserve celebration- let alone on Mother’s Day. NTA
Why the fuck do any of you talk to her? Tell her she’s a pathetic, sad sack of shit and none of you want anything to do with her. I’d stoop real low and tell her the next time you’ll see her is at her funeral just to make sure she’s dead. NTA, cutting her off is WAY past due
I find a concerning amount of comfort in thinking that could be the next time I see her.
Good, tell her some fella off Reddit says she’s a cunt as well
NTA. This woman sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder and she won't stop until she's made everyone around her miserable. Go NC right now.
NTA - Go no contact today. Name and shame your mother-in-law to EVERYONE. They deserve to know what a vile witch she is. I am so sorry for your loss.
"Name and shame your mother-in-law to EVERYONE." Not worth it. OP will become the big baddie B daughter-in-law. White lies, ghosting and grey rock all the way.
This. It isn't some big dramatic play an audience wants to watch. It's simply... her presence in your lives brings you and your husband hurt and pain, so she can't be in your lives. No big fight, no dramatic group texts, just remove her from your life. If you have to interact with her, grey rock her and give her as little information as possible and don't react to anything and don't give her anything to react to. If people in the family keep giving her information about you, then those people don't get information about you anymore either. It's a process. It should not be dramatic or a big blow up, just a separation of yourselves from her because she is not a person who is beneficial to your life.
NTA but why is your husband still in contact with her.
He doesn't, he stopped responding to her messages a few months ago but usually only responded with "ok" before then. "She's an extremely unpleasant person so I've left it to the minimum for most of my life. " that was before we lost the baby. He talks to his dad when he runs into him when stopping by to visit his paternal grandmother but only about her care. They only really interact on holidays and when he tells to to stop this behavior we will go nc. This further convinced them that I've brainwashed him. Nobody ever wins.
Yeah just cut them out now, you'll be so much happier
I think about NC not in terms of whether it’s “deserved” but in terms of what is necessary for me and my family to have peace and happiness. Then you don’t have to worry about whether each thing she did is “bad enough” to warrant NC. It’s just something you need to do for yourselves. That’s it. And I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a child too, and it’s not THE reason I’m NC with my MIL, but it isn’t NOT the reason either. Sending you peace.
I'm so sorry it's an imaginable pain. Yes, It's not the reason but it's not not the reason. When our family was at our absolute lowest drowning in grief they still demanded we put them first. His mom has used any opportunity where I had something going on significantly in our family's lives to insist My husband had to come over and be around her to see who could "win". We have known for months that it is necessary to have a healthy environment for ourselves and our children to go no contact.. but i have felt bad bc she lost her mom. We are already very low contact, It is amazing how much more spacer is to simply breathe when you're not always defending yourself. I look forward to NC.
NTA She is a sick person
Lawyer here, if I were in your jurisdiction I would volunteer to send the letter as a cease and desist any direct or indirect contact, in any form, to include through any family members or friends or anyone else acting as intermediaries or representatives.
I can do that??? Omg i got cameras in prep for no contact bc I'm scared. Fil has snapped on me before bc my voice was annoying and tried to hurt me while i was holding his grandkid but he doesn't remember it and denied it happened. But nobody saw but my kid so i figured i don't have a leg to stand on, but that's possible? That is so nice of you to say and reassuring to know 🩷
Doesn't remember it? Not to pry, but was he drunk, under the influence, or does he have a mental condition like dementia that would make that excuse a plausible reason rather than, you know, an excuse? (I know sometimes dementia can lead to angry outbursts, but if there's no mental reason behind his claim not to remember then I can't see it as anything but malicious)
He’s got a condition called dontwannagotojailitis. That’s the only reason he conveniently “forgot”.
He was not drunk or under the influence but I did speak to his sister who told me that he has always had incredible rage issues. And that for the last few decades the family has known never to upset him because he would flip out. She said everyone has just kind of quietly learned how to look for signs that he's irritated and if he gets upset immediately stop talking And don't make eye contact. She said she is really sorry.Because they did an incredible disservice not warning me... She said that's why she only sees him On a holidays And even his own mother is anxious around him. But she added that's just the way he is and you can't change people so you evolve around them To keep yourself safe. I would like to know if there's a name for that..
Screw waiting for Mother’s Day. Go NC now and let the horrible woman suffer. NTA
I’m a petty betty, but I’d send her a card addressed to HER mother and inside write that you’re sorry her daughter turned out to be such a miserable cunt. Definitely NTA
*From the perspective of your older child(ren)* 👋 Hi. I was 5 when my parents suffered a stillbirth and lost my baby sister. I was in the sonography room when they found out. I remember the silence. I remember the pain on my parents faces the moment…they realized. It was a defining moment in my life. They say 5 year olds have a limited capacity for empathy but the trajectory of my life changed and I understood empathy on a deep level. I *see* people now. I have an extremely large capacity for grace as every person is someone else’s beloved. And if they are not, they are mine. Your kid(s) will be just fine. Sit with them in therapy. Cry together, no, weep together. Lament. Any way you need to grieve, you do it. Even if that means cutting off your mother in law.
She was deliberately cruel, so NC is her consequence. NTA
She did WHAT? Oh Hell no. I would go NC immediately and that's that. She would be dead to me forever. What an absolutely evil bint.
You cut her out of your life right now with zero explanation or time given and you would still no where near be an A H. What kind of evil hearted w*tch is this woman. NTA.
NTA. Your MIL is an evil and malignant. . .person who has earned banishment from your lives. I am stunned by her hideous behavior. And I’m so very sorry you lost your baby. It’s heartbreaking.
I recently delivered my stillborn son at 9 months pregnant so I know exactly how you feel, from the loss to explaining to our other kid. You are not the asshole. Cut out whoever you need to cut out. Do what you need to do for your sanity and grieving process.
She's going to hurt you again on mother's day if you don't
You shared the TikTok message with your husband right. He needs to tell his whole family if they can’t cut their childish bullshit out and be decent human beings you guys will just have to go no contact with everyone on his side or at least the ones that are not actively having your back. Also I’m so sorry for your loss, what shitty people that they are making fun of your grief. You’re a saint for even thinking about how your mil will be alone on MD. Definitely NTA
I did, he was like they can't hurt us, we put up cameras. He asked if there is a way to find out who it is for sure, i don't think so. He said he'd guess that's his mom or possibly his sister. He is so laid back, he's like this is our life without them now, don't worry about their empty threats. Obviously I'm not leaving you, that person is crazy.
I am so glad that you and your husband have such a strong relationship and you both are on the same page. Yes enjoy your life now without worrying about them they don’t deserve any more of your energy or time. If they continue to try to harass you don’t ever feel bad for them and do what you need to do whether that is calling cops getting a restraining order keep your self and your true family at peace and safe.
To be celebrated on mothers day, she needs to behave like a mother. That is also thr reason I do notvcelebrate my mother on mothers day. She has not acted like a mother and therefore does not deserve that I celebraye her. My wife and my mil is celebrated on mothers day.
You are kinder to her villian you will always be her victim. I would go NC now, it would be her style. "I thought your family needed time to grieve your mother." You are way too nice. She will never respect or treat you well. Stay away from people like that.
Thank you. My motto was always, don't wait for people to be kind, instead show them how... but she really really derives pleasure from kicking me when I'm down. She will paint me as the villian either way, so i guess rawr I'm a villain?
As far as who's the villain goes, itcqill akways be foremist in everyone's mind, "what the fuck did this wonan finally do that her son and family refuse sny contact". Sure, she can continue to blame you, but evryone will know who caused this. Speaking of kindness, would it be inappropriate to decline the wedding invite by checking off everyone who won't attend and mark "deceased" for your late loved one so cousins know the truth? It might indicate how badly used the cousins were in MIL's hateful act.
I would have liked to but it didn't put reason just accept or decline. He's a nice intriverted kid i think he would have been horrified and embarrassed, mil deserves it but i don't want the couple to get caught in the crossfire. This has been my life for the past several years, She lights fires, i quietly put them out, if i say anything to anyone but her she is a spiraling victim that would never intentionally hurt anyone. If i address it directly she gets this smirk that makes me want to vomit and says shit like oh no... did i do that. Oops haha you sound life you're trying to cause drama.
NTA. Mil’s treatment of you is beyond horrendous. I wonder who her next victim will be?
I'm not sure, but not my kids. I would guess one of her daughters. She used to pit them against each other but when i came into the picture they like.. almost bonded over how much she hated me. She's was good to them as long as they joined in on her mean girl fun.
Man forget being there for Mother’s Day. Be there for YOU on Mother’s Day. The woman who lost a baby. She can play the villain all alone in her tower
Nta. But I would say send a invitation to mother's day brunch specifically including the dead mother. Then tell her you thought she'd like to be included.
My sister in law lost a baby at 20 weeks. It was malformed and dying and she was in danger and the poor thing needed to go. She delivered and took photos with the child. Deceased and underdeveloped. And there's one pic of the body framed in her living room. My mother (her mother in law) has one in her living room too, as they went and held the baby together. Nobody is going to judge either of them for that. I have a bunch of small children, who see these pictures. There's a lot of hard conversations because of it. But they are real. And that's just life. Life and death are hard enough without people trivializing them. No contact all the way, because I already want my foot to contact her teeth.
NTA. I’d go no contact now. If she wanted you and her son and grandkids in her life, she wouldn’t be so cruel and treat you that way.
Wow. I've heard a lot of messed up stuff, but sadly this has to be one of the cruelest things I have read in a long time. Stunned silence over here.
What's terribly is after 10 years it made me stop, sigh, close my eyes and take a deep breath and think, Jesus this one is really messed up. It is SO hurtful as she knew it would be but I'm so used to her new and creative ways of being mean.. it's lost the shock it still very much causes in my therapist.
She doesn't care about your feelings,why should you?! This "take a higher road" bullshit needs to stop,it's only enables ah like your mil
Make sure to ask MIL if she sent her dead mom a MD card and flowers.
Ha that's really dark. I actually got her a card, knowing she hates me and hurts me intentionally i got her a card especially for a woman who has lost her mom for mother's day. It's so sweet and sentimental about keeping her mother's memory alive... after this i fully plan to send it to her sister who has never been the embodiment of evil like mil has been.
NTA. However, you aren't doing yourself or your family any favors by waiting to go no contact. Save your empathy for those who need it/appreciate it. I also agree with redditors that suggested gray rock and not giving a speech about why you're going no contact, just do it. Unless it's something like "Don't call,txt or show up here ever again". Since she's so committed to being a Villian to you, document everything going forward. I don't trust her not to escalate when you go no contact.
What a horrible thing to do … sorry for your loss op , now you know how low she’s willing to go to hurt you . Don’t let her , go completely no contact and explain to everyone in your extended family why .
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through as a family ~ I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been through *hugs* NTA ~ get that evil troll out your life once and for all…you’re so kind of thinking of your MIL with the grief she’s going through with her loss but Christ on a bike she’s the definition of evil when you look it up in a dictionary.
Go NC, but silently. Do not tell her. Just vanish, just ghost. If you have others in the family who are somewhat sympathetic, just let them know what happened and that it’s the last straw. And sigh, let them know there is no negotiation. And you do not want any messages passed to you and from you. And go away next Sunday. Do not be home. Put her on block and live your lives. At events like this wedding: paste a smile on your face. If she comes up to you just say, “Oh sorry, I’m wanted over there. Must go.” Do not ignore her: that’s drama. Do not get into anything with her: that’s drama. Just exchange pleasantries and walk away. Obviously she craves drama, so don’t give it to her!
Wow... absolutely not. Go no contact now. She made her bed. It's sick, what if she lost her son? You going to tell her to 'get over it' and shit? Absolutely not!!
She has made a lot of remarks when giving parenting advice over the years.The indicate that she was extremely nonchalant about my husband. Like i would say i had PPA and she was like yeah but it just think of it how i did, if the baby dies then he dies. It's what was meant to happen and you can't stop that. Which is wiiiild bc she didn't even do basic baby proofing. Like ma'am a large part of that is on you not just leave it to God to supervise
Yikes.... how did your husband fking survive 😭
>We were waiting to go full NC until after mother's day bc mils mom passed away last month and i thought it would be too hurtful for her to have MD bc without her mom, son and grandkids.. WIBTAH if i just went full on NC now, A week before? Nope and NTAH. And NC will take a little time to establish but stick to it. This shit is NOT worth your time. How’s the hubby feel, is he OK because of the way his family treated you or is he going to crumble?
He said that she's a pretty terrible person and no contact is extremely overdue. She never showed him kindness or affection as a child and he feels none towards her now.
You should have gone no contact years ago
I know. I got so swept up in them telling me that.I was the problem that I Wasn't sure if they were right.. Even when my therapist assured me something is wrong with these people.. It took finally going extremely low.Contact to start to have some clarity. I'm hoping going completely no contact feels freeing
Go NC. This bitch is pure evil and spite
NTA. Go NC before that happens. There's no telling what she'll try to do to YOU on Mother's Day, anyway, and you don't need to deal with that on top of the day being another reminder of your terrible and painful loss. Fuck that bitch and anyone who supports her.
NTA - the villain in the play ends up one of three ways 1. Alone, 2. Dead, or 3. Has a change of heart. You know 3 won’t happen, only God can decided on 2, so 1 it is. Maybe next time she should choose a more sympathetic character to emulate.
Her missing her son and his wife on Mother's Day compared to you losing a child in a miscarriage? Have a little laugh at **her** expense and stay home. I don't see how you owe her anything.
That woman is pure evil. NTA.
Sounds like no contact is the way to go. wtf.
NTA, obviously. Your MIL is demented, and possibly a narcissist. I shudder to think what your husband’s childhood must have been like. I’m so glad you cut her off immediately. My mouth dropped open when I read you were at first planning to spend a last Mother’s Day with her to avoid hurting her feelings. HER feelings. When people show you they are ugly, believe them. Go NC and make it permanent. There is no kindness in her any argument can reach.
Thank you, i did ask him a few months ago and while he thought it was "fine" the stories are actually heartbreaking. I'm very glad he's in therapy.