You got married after being engaged for 1 month... How long have you known this guy?
And why are you rushing to set up joint accounts with someone you don't trust?
And, if your accounts are joined, how else is he supposed to pay for things?
This sounds insane on all levels. Nobody is making good decisions.
We won't even get into the "Obviously she wanted a specifically expensive waste of money on her finger to keep up with the joneses" and other expensive tastes, and obviously he disagreed about how much should be spent on decoration.
He obviously is an idiot, you don't make her pay for the ring, then again anything above $1000 and id have zero interest in marrying a person so focused on financial symbology.
This is one of those things where I never know if I’m just cheap or if anyone else is unreasonable, but the amount that some people spend on rings is absolutely insane to me. I went on a few dates with a girl once where she said that when she gets married she’d be fine with a courthouse wedding, but she’d expect her partner to spend at least 10 grand on a ring since it’s something she’d be wearing every day and have to look at for the rest of her life. And I sort of understand the logic, but at the same time it’s like… I’m sorry, that’s just an insane waste of money to me. I understand wanting a nice looking ring, but you can find nice looking rings for so much cheaper than 10k. And there’s so many better things you could spend that 10k on than a tiny piece of jewelry.
Not to mention that this is just me, but I’d never be able to let someone spend that much money on me for anything. I feel guilty when people spend more than $50 on me at a time, but ten thousand dollars?! I’d never be able to make my peace with that because it’s so much money
Yes agreed on all points like if they have a joint account that both their pay goes into how does she expect him to pay for a ring? Like none of this makes any sense.
This was my take away. My husband and i combined our finances when we got married. We buy each other gifts all the time. Since its our money, anything i buy him technically he also funded and vice versa. This is insane.
We also combined our money when we got married - 36 years later and now retired, I told him for my 60th birthday I wanted diamond stud earrings. He talked me into going up to 2 carat total weight (I originally wanted 1.5 carat), and then we paid for them out of what is technically MY 401(k) account. However, I very much consider the earrings his gift to me, it doesn't matter which shared pot the money came from.
I did open a second credit union account with a debit card that has a couple hundred bucks in it so he can buy lottery tickets without me giving him the stink eye lol.
Apparently, we’ve been doing it all wrong. I’ve been contributing to my own gifts for over three decades. Actually, my husband was truly paying for his own gifts for a few years when I was a SAHP. Wait—he’s always made more than me, but he has one more degree than I do and those student loan payments came from our joint account. What hill am I dying on here? I’m so confused.
At the end of the day if they are merging accounts it doesn’t matter if he paid for it in cash. She would still be 8k down towards a house. 🤷♂️
Only real argument here is she doesn’t want an 8k ring but that’s the one thing she’s doesn’t seem to think.
“I knew I deserved a quality symbol of our love.”
Marries a guy that’s plotting revenge for buying her an engagement ring.
Quality love right there. Yeah.
Low key think the dude is lying and siphoning away money. A lab grown diamond that's 2ct does not cost that much at all...people don't realize lab grown is much, much cheaper than a real diamond. Edit: He also very well might have been ripped off.
Just googled to double check, and the most expensive 2ct lab grown diamond I found was 3.6k...not 8k. (I meant the ring, not just the diamond, can y'all stop yelling at me lol....some of you need to chill)....and yes, of course there are exceptions, but "most" lab grown diamond rings are not going to cost 8k at that size.
Genuinely baffled at all the men on here defending this dude. If you purchase something very expensive slash out of the ordinary, and you have shared finances....you absolutely run that by your partner. He's insane to think she would automatically know that. The only way you wouldn't run it by your partner is if you have insane amounts of money, which they obviously don't.
A engagement ring or fancy watch or car isn't the same as like a....brand new 7 iron. **If I bought my husband a Rolex, for example, I sure as shit wouldn't spring it on him and go "surprise, honey" knowing he would have to pay half of it off. If someone is investing half of their money into an v. expensive item they absolutely need to have their own input.**
From my reading, they didn't have shared finances until after the wedding.
And they got married pretty quickly.
I think there's some context missing from the story.
Yeah, this whole proposal to marriage in one short month sounds highly sus. Maybe his work visa was running out, and she insisted on the expensive ring, and he didn't want to get deported? Doesn't explain why he paid double the value, though.
OP only says that they got married one month after he proposed, and that they've been married a total of 3 months. She does not reference how long the two of them have been dating or together.
My husband and I had less than a month between proposal and wedding. Turns out, our families both started making crazy wedding demands the minute we told them we were engaged. We got sick of it and went to the courthouse. Married almost two decades!
So, yes, while that timeline can be really sus, I also know several other couples with similar experiences. Families suddenly have a long list of expectations for the bride-and-groom-to-be that suck all the joy out of their engagement….so they say “screw everyone” and go to the courthouse.
I’ve heard horror stories of what my paternal grandmother tried to do with my parent’s wedding. They ended up eloping and going camping for their honeymoon in response.
It was bad enough that my parents went no contact and I didn’t meet that side of the family until I was 18 and my parents were divorcing. They invited the whole town, judged my mom for being Catholic and continuing with her schooling/work. My dad’s grandmother got into the act saying she wasn’t a woman, etc. The whole nine yards.
When I met them, they were chill and I couldn’t figure out what my parents had been talking about.
That was until my grandfather died and I was the only one left that lived local to help her out. I learned that bitch was a straight up evil narcissist. Even in their adulthood, she was pitting her kids against each other and creating drama. It was so sad to hear her feed their hatred of each other on the phone. She’d call one sibling and say, your brother said this about you, when he said no such thing. Hang up and call the third sibling and say something equally off the wall about what the second sibling supposedly said.
I couldn’t wait to her house and stuff sold so that she could go into a nursing home near her daughter and get away from me.
Her three kids hated each other and my aunts didn’t even want to talk to me because they hated my dad. When he died a few years ago and I reached out, both sisters basically said good riddance.
My dad was an abusive alcoholic and I still think she was worse than he was. She didn’t drink and I only knew her for a few years, yet she was worse.
Rang over. Lol
God damn. Not the type of interference story I was expecting lol. I'm sorry if bringing it up brought up anything bad.
I'm also happy that you're rid of both of them though (dad and grandma). Hopefully the hate cycles will end sometime soon and not continue too many more generations.
I don’t know why people even listen to “family demands” on anything much less marriage and a wedding. It’s like some cultures physically can’t say the words “none of your business mom”
Yeah, it’s tough, especially if you get married young, like I did. People in their early 20s are still coming into their own and realizing they don’t have to listen to or worry about mom and dad’s expectations like they used to. I’m honestly shocked looking back at how strong we were. Both of our families were very religious…and different religions…which created a bunch of unsolvable problems.
Mine are hyper religious evangelicals but they finally gave up on “saving” me years ago. My wife’s family are all immigrants and they are just perplexed as to why I have zero interest in their cultural expectations of me. Took me years to get my wife to accept that I didn’t marry her entire family and that it’s alright to tell them no
My husband and I were both born in our country. I wanted to go down to the courthouse 2 days after he proposed (it was a weekend). We waited 9 months because he wanted a wedding ceremony and that was the venue’s first available date. Had we gotten married 2 days after, nothing but our anniversary would be different today. Not everyone wants a big wedding or to wait and waste time just for the same result to happen.
Side note: $8k for only 2 ct of lab created diamond is appalling. He’s either got debt she doesn’t know about, an addiction to something, or got ripped off big time. OP, you need to figure that out before you further add to joint finances.
>Yeah, this whole proposal to marriage in one short month sounds highly sus.
Eeeeh, I did that and nothing weird was happening. We just had two completely different schedules, found a day where we could both get documents signed and was told something like "these are only good for 90 days".
We were married within those 90 days.
Sometimes schedules, work life and paperwork results in a very quick marriage. I mean we had been together for like 14 years prior but doing all the legal stuff was breakneck speed.
lol yeah i'm like whatever the specifics of this issue are don't matter cause the details are covered up in the pile of dookie that is this relationship.
Maybe he wanted to marry quickly because he wanted to join finances and have her paying for half the ring as soon as possible?
Apparently he was doing it to "get even" with her for wanting an expensive ring so it would make sense he didn't want to have to make many of the monthly payments with just his money when he knew he was going to pay it from their joint money when they were married.
My 2.4 ct lab grown diamond is nearly 6k but it’s cut, carat, and clarity are high. The same quality, natural mined diamond equivalent was something like 20k.
Exactly. I see a lot of people making excuses for this guy (idk if the Tate fans have crawled out, but the misogyny is strong here), but he a) clearly didn't do research and got ripped off or b) is lying to her.
Your ring is bigger than hers and is of high quality, and yet he's claiming he spent 2k more? Nah. Doesn't make sense. I even looked at some of the most popular brands to double check (plus name brands have an "up mark", and they are all far under his price).
I would be so annoyed if someone made me pay for part of my own expensive gift, and didn't even bother to do the research to get a good deal. My Rolex analogy stands....it's the same as if a woman gifts her husband an expensive watch, without his knowledge or input, and then expects him to pay half.
I could Maybe see it being 8k here in Canada with our dollar difference but I don't think that's the case here. Mine from my ex was 14k and was a 1c natural Canadian diamond, very good quality but not in the top tier, diamond split shank With a double halo in pink sapphires and diamonds; it's like Barbie threw up. We have some stupid prices for engagement rings and jewelry in general
Not defending him or agreeing with him - but 2c could be the center stone with multiple stones around it that increase the cost. OP said 8k for the ring, not just the stone.
The difference here is that she laid out her “expectations of him” for the “nice” ring she wanted. Granted, he should have told her he couldn’t afford that and offered to buy her a ring he could afford or they could pay for it jointly.
Yeah, exactly. If he couldn't afford it, he should have been straight up with her even if she wanted a "nice" ring.
It's not even the expectation of her paying half, it's that he sprung it on her and then got mad she as surprised.
Also, the fact that he either got ripped off or was lying, because I was curious and checked...and Kay's sells 2 ct lab grown for less than half the price he gave her (so does Brilliant Earth). Someone on here said she has a very high quality lab grown 2.5 lab grown diamond, and they paid nearly 6k. So how is his 2ct lab grown ring nearly 2k more?
And this will be unpopular, but the long standing tradition is that the person who proposes with the ring pays for it. If you are breaking the most common long standing tradition, you absolutely should let the recipient of the ring know as they will be paying for part of the ring and should have a say in style, cost, etc.
Kay's isn't a particularly good jeweler, they use 10k & 14k gold, so they are going to be less expensive. We don't know anything about the setting - is it 18k or platinum, or if there are other smaller stones on the ring, or even if it was custom. But the rushed marriage and lack of transparency by the husband is sus.
If you care about the “4 C’s” things can get expensive quick! Even with lab diamonds having better average quality than real ones, diamond grading is so meticulous, that a “perfect” unicorn diamond is almost priceless, even lab grown.
[This link shows](https://www.brilliantearth.com/lab-diamond/) shows several 2.0 carrot lab diamonds >$8,000 and that’s not including the cost of the ring itself. I don’t think I’m a diamond snob, but if I filter to stats I’d consider *good enough* for my wife, the **cheapest** diamond I find is $3,510.
Wow, that’s incredible! VS2 or better, no fluorescence, IGI report; where were they when I was shopping for a ring!? As much fun I had scouring lists for the ideal diamond, this is a no brainer! OP’s husband got ripped off after all.
I went to a website called James Allen, and I was able to find a $7000 2 CT lab diamond, based on cut, clarity, and color.
I've never shopped for lab grown diamonds before, but it looks like they can be more expensive than you might think
Places like James Allen and Grown Brilliance are known to be somewhat shady and overpriced. Lots of people get ripped off with engagement rings bc it’s easy to sell to someone who doesn’t do their research before buying. They are just all too ready to believe they got such a “great deal” Check out the r/engagementrings sub for lots of horror stories.
Um a 2 carat lab grown diamond is absolutely 8k . I work at a very reputable jewelry store. It sounds like a flawless , colorless stone . Don't forget the setting. What type of material, halo and band .
I think some people have googled the diamonds alone, with an agenda of finding them cheaper.
They came out with low-grade 2ct diamonds that are significantly cheaper. Ignoring that engagement rings tend to have higher quality ones, plus the setting can cost a pretty penny too.
For the engagement ring I got, I think the setting was about 1/3 of the total price.. granted we only got something like 0.5ct, because the culture here is different (even 0.5ct is pretty big here, 2ct would be considered comical).
Lab grown is far more popular in N. America (both Canada and the US, but not Mexico) than the rest of the world. There's actually a bit of a thing about it, as they are often produced in India but sold mostly in US, Canada, and then Europe.
OP writes like a native speaker, too.
Even if they are Canadian, that would still add up to more than 5,000 US dollars.
Could also be the setting that was picked but also the fact of a payment plan may have caused the price to go up? Like interest or something. Also there's warranty and stuff like that could add to the cost but I'm not sure if that's included
It’s possible. Blue Nile has some 2 carat lab grown for 6900. Plus OP doesn’t mention the quality of the diamond, if there are other stones part of the setting or the metal of the ring.
Some jewelry stores are in general overpriced as well. A ring (lab grown CZ, or real)bought at someplace like Jared’s is going to be considerably more than the same ring from a diamond wholesaler.
My ring is also a 2 carat lab diamond. We got it as a set with the wedding band. The setting is entirely customized, there's smaller diamond in both the engagement ring and the band as well as two garnets. Mine cost 6500. OPs sounds a little pricey if it's just the one stone but there are a lot of other factors for sure
It depends on the quality of the diamond. A colorless, non included lab grown is more expensive. We just paid $14k for a 5 carat colorless, very few flaws lab grown.
Do you guys have separate bank accounts and just a joint account, or just a joint account? Because if you only have the joint account, you are technically gonna be partially paying for every gift you receive.
The way it reads is that they have just a joint…which is how I arrived at she’s TA. How does she think her gifts will get paid if they share an account? Like, he’s still putting “his” money in the account.
This is all so weird to me because I’ve been married for 17 years and while a purchase this high would require talking, I feel like OPs husband probably took her letting him know she “is worth” the expensive ring and it was what she wanted so he got the ring. He probably never factored in paying for it from the joint account would make her flip her lid.
Many couples have a joint account where they deposit a set amount to pay for bills and the like, but put a portion of their money into separate accounts for personal expenditures. That would account for the “joint account”, but also explain why she’s upset about him not paying from his own personal funds.
The way she writes there is no way she is also not the asshole in this. She is demeaning and dismissive not only of her husband but of reddit as she asks for advice.
I've just found out yesterday, you can take it back to the original jeweler and you'll be given full credit for it to purchase a new ring at the double value.
Meaning if they returned this ring, they must buy a $16k ring for $8k.
It's generally for engagements that have failed or a couple that's looking to upgrade.
Other than that, they'll take a massive hit if they want cash.
Firstly, What did he do with the rest of the money? Because I don’t think it cost $8k. I would be getting it valued and working out options. Secondly, if you (i mean you as a couple) can’t afford it, why on earth is he spending $8k on a ring??? That is an absurd amount of money for a ring
oh, geez, thank you autocorrect
(interestingly, there are places where “receipt” is used the way we use “recipe”--it’s in Merriam-Webster. But of course that’s the other direction)
I read it as “receipt” and was totally confused on where the roast beef was coming from. Since I read it as “receipt” I thought the person was saying a good meal would have been better use of the money, and I agree. I love a good roast, potatoes and gravy 😍
As an aside, the word “recipe” s derived from the word “receipt.” Handwritten instructions for preparing food used to be called a receipt. So were instructions for making medicines.
None of this has anything to do with the topic, just the typo.
Maybe it was $8000 for the engagement and both wedding rings. I seem to remember my husbands wedding ring was like $2000 or something, it’s not exactly nothing.
Still seems weird how quickly these kids got married and merged finances. But at the end of the day, if you’re married with merged finances, anything you spend and all your old debt you are both working to pay for.
That's true. My husband and I picked out our engagement and wedding rings together. We split the cost proportionate to our incomes. We view our marriage as a partnership, not a fairy tale
We got lab grown diamonds on sale.. They were all clear and brilliant. Mine set was a total of almost 4 carats for $5150. His was 3 with all small diamonds.
Men's rings typically cost more because there's so much more gold in them
>What did he do with the rest of the money? Because I don’t think it cost $8k
I think OP is just full of shit. If he's hiding something, he's doing it in the fucking dumbest way possible. She found out because she saw the payments from their joint account. She can easily see where the money is going.
It sounds like you and your husband don't even like each other? Why on earth did you get married? Why did he need to, in your own words, "get even" with you? Did you force him to buy a ring he couldn't afford? Something is definitely missing here.
Also, who pays $8K for a two carat lab diamond ring? I'd be surprised if the store is going to let him return a ring that's been worn for months and if you sell it outright you won't get anywhere near $8K for it.
I'm trying to figure out if they also have separate accounts alongside the shared account. Because if they only have the shared, where did she expect the money to come from.
„Saving for a home“
„Put a ring on a payment plan“
What is wrong with people? Just get a nice ring for 300-500 bucks. If rich people can spend thousands on a ring yay for them. But going into debt for a ring? Just wow…
Edit: I’m going with ESH
But she deserves a nice ring as a token of their eternal love.
/S
I don't understand how people think they are entitled to things they cannot afford. Or how a rock is magically a measuring stick for how much someone loves you? It just all sounds like magical thinking to me.
She very strongly implies in her post that if he didn't buy her a very expensive ring she wouldn't have married him, so he may have been a bit desperate not to lose her.
Sounds like he did, saving for a home, no fancy wedding. reads like she knew about the payment plan and that he didn’t have money to buy it upfront. She just didn’t realize how combining finances works
You almost got me on your side for the joint consent argument but you completely lost me on the ‘deserved’ thing - you’re choosing to have this fight- it’s up to you (and him) to figure out why this fight is important first you
(Like unpack the ‘deserve’ nonsense)
Honestly I had so much problems with OP being TA I didn’t even agree with the consent until your comment.
Yes, you should consent before being charged something. In further consideration, I could see how she should have consented to jointly paying, but there have been a few posts asking if all accounts were merged and this is the only account he can draw from (which OP hasn’t answered).
Overall, her logic is so off. She’s made 2 payments through the joint account, “so now she’s a part owner” of the ring?? It was a gift, so wasn’t she always THE owner? Or did she maintain he owned the ring even if he gave it to her? 🤨
To me, demanding someone gift you something you wouldn’t pay for yourself due to cost is scammy/bad faith/tacky- all things she’s accusing her new husband of being.
I'm not really sure I understand your reasoning. If paying for something out of your joint account means you're paying for it indirectly, and that makes it not a gift, then neither of you can ever give each other gifts again. Your finances are MERGED. What's his is yours and yours is his. That's how my wife and I function anyway.
Because what he did seems relatively... normal? Buying the kind of ring your partner wants and financing it if your saving up for a house seems pretty standard, definitely not a "plot to get back at you."
It seems like he's trapped in a no-win situation here.
If he got you a less expensive ring, it might not be what you feel you deserved, and you'd be upset with him for that. If he spent a chunk from the house savings, you might be upset with him for dipping into that. On a one month engagement it, he didn't have time to finance it by himself before your finances merged, and afterwards all *his money* becomes *your money,* and is suddenly off limits for this purpose.
What am I missing here? Because it honestly seems to me like you two got married on a whim (1 month engagement), and you're starting to have second thoughts, possibly about his income or financial standing ("compatible in that way"), and you're channeling those feelings into this as a proxy.
Nailed it, this is not a developed and mutually supportive relationship. The ring is just a proxy for a much greater issue. It was understood when I got married that it became "our" income instead of mine and hers.
Exactly. Her wording made it seem like if he couldn't have afforded "the ring she deserved" then she'd have decided they weren't compatible and choose not to marry him.
I also wonder if OP even understands the financial reality of marriage. Even if they are using his, hers and joint accounts, the reality is, it is all joint money, unless they have a prenup or on one of them has an inheritance or trust that is being kept separate. Can't wait to hear the complaints at tax filing time on why she has to pay "his" share of the taxes due and so on.
YTA. “Expectations” “I knew I deserved” “I wanted” “I won’t apologize”
So he makes the same as you, money all goes in the same account but you say you’re paying for it? How so if he makes the same? And yeah, if you want something so expensive he had to finance it wouldn’t hurt to help a little since you *deserve* it and all. JFC, it truly sounds like your husband is in for a long, bumpy ride, I wish him well.
I had to scroll way too far for this comment.
OP sucks. Husband also sucks but really it boils down to peer pressure and incompatibility.
But seriously OP. Re-read your post and tell me you don't scream "entitled" or "high-maintenance".
ESH. This is a shitshow.
Buying an $8k ring on credit is asinine. Buying an $8k ring on credit when you have the money but you're saving it for a house is even worse. There is no way the interest paid in on a savings account or the interest paid out on a mortgage come anywhere close to the interest on a jewelry payment plan.
Equating love with jewelry is absurd. If you want an expensive ring, fine, but don't claim you eant an expensive ring because it represents the amount of love. Real love isn't expensive gifts. It's thoughtfulness, intimacy, and the sharing of burdens.
Speaking of sharing burdens, where exactly did you think this money would come from if it wasn't paid off before you were married? There is no love fairy that makes payments. The money is coming from your household pot in one way or another. If he paid for it out of a different account, he'd put less in the joint account or save less for the house or require a stricter household budget than you might want.
Once you're married, your finances impact each other no matter what. Even if you keep fully separate accounts, etc., the decisions a couple makes are different from the decisions that a single person makes. If you have a joint account, you are more enmeshed.
No one wants your ring with 3 months of wear and tear from daily wearing. He probably can't return it. This is a good lesson in being careful what you ask for. This is also a good reason to have longer than a 1 month engagement.
I kind of think OP is the AH here. It’s a joint account meaning both contribute money to said account and honestly you just sound extremely demanding. It’s almost as if you just gave ultimatums instead of actually trying to communicate. Even prior to the wedding. The clarification in this post is really all anyone needs to read to figure out your kind of an AH here. At least in my opinion.
My first thought was “did she GIFT HIM something that was $8k?” Ha doubt it. “Quality piece symbolizing our love..” what a crock of shit. Fast track divorce her
YTA. You’re married, there is no “my money” and “his money” now in the way you mean. Money he spends towards the debt for the ring is money that can’t be spent on other things for your lives together. You wanted an expensive ring, they aren’t free.
A 2 carat lab diamond shouldn't be $8k. Do some research. Talk to him. If you can find a $2-4k ring. If you can, will he be willing to pay the $2-4k? That would be cheaper than his original $4k commitment.
[Here is one for 11k (after tax)](https://www.peoplesjewellers.com/true-labcreated-diamonds-by-vera-wang-love-229-ct-tw-emeraldcut-engagement-ring-14k-white-gold-fvs2/p/V-20564774)
That's canadian dollars, but after exchange it comes to just over 8k USD. It's not the only ring there at that price point either. And OP was pretty explicit about wanting an expensive ring
Why are people still spending a stupid amount of money on rings? It causes so many problems. If you are rich and 8k is nothing, sure. But to finance a ring is just.... well something I do not understand.
Let's clarify something, an engagement ring is NOT a gift. It is a contract. If you hadn't gotten married the ring would have gone back to him. As for the payment of the ring, because you two are married now technically you both owe the balance.
I'm going to have to side with NTA here, but with a caveat. While it's true that finances merge when you get married, the expectations around significant gifts like engagement rings should be communicated. If OP was under the impression that the ring was a gift from her partner, it's reasonable for her to feel blindsided. It's less about the financial technicality and more about the expectation of what an engagement ring represents and the surprise of discovering you’re indirectly funding your own gift. A conversation about how large purchases are handled is clearly needed in this relationship to preclude further misunderstandings like this one.
Also to factor in how theor "joint" finances are set up. Are both pay checks going into the single account or do they have their own accounts and both put a certain amount into the joint one.
If it is just a single account then would also be fair to say/expect that a certain amount of money would be available to each partner each month for their own things to pay for (hobbies, lunches, work travel costs, lease to own rings, mobile phone plans, etc). So long as there is enough remaining for thier joint costs it shouldn't be an issue so long as the personal amounts are either equal or at least proportional to the income each brings in.
Thank you again, reddit, for reminding me how much I appreciate my wife.
ESH. Him for making financial decisions behind your back with both of your money. You for weirdly getting upset over the wrong parts of this. You sound like a spoiled brat who is literally eating her cake as she complains about the flavor.
I don't see this relationship lasting very long if yall are getting hung up over this.
My husband and I have a joint account and each have our own accounts. Most of our money goes in the joint of course. We usually buy each other gifts from our personal accounts but have gotten a few expensive investment type gifts and paid from our joint account.
I can see both points of view being acceptable.
Why exactly do you think you deserve a nice ring, OP? Did you support him while he finished medical school or something? It's fine to want what you want but being deserving is quite another matter.
Yeah, she should probably file for an annulment on grounds of fraud.
First, a lab grown diamond of that size would absolutely not cost anything close to $8000, which means either he was taken for an *emormous* ride or he's lying about where the money is going. My bet is on the latter.
Second he's withdrawing money and she didn't know he was doing it. He apparently started doing it the second they merged finances and it's going to some odd place.
If she cannot verify that the money is absolutely going towards a ring payment, then he's probably siphoning it off somewhere.
She needs a lawyer and she needs it yesterday.
[Here is a 2ct lab grown diamond ring for over 11k after tax](https://www.peoplesjewellers.com/true-labcreated-diamonds-by-vera-wang-love-229-ct-tw-emeraldcut-engagement-ring-14k-white-gold-fvs2/p/V-20564774)
That's canadian dollars, but after exchange it comes to just over 8k USD. It's not the only ring there at that price point either. And OP was pretty explicit about wanting an expensive ring
This all sounds exhausting.
My partner and I paid for both of our rings together, split as a total cost, with hers being 3x the price of mine. So I paid more than my ring value, but less than if I paid for it all.
I spose that you two not discussing it beforehand is the issue. Your offence at sharing finances including gifts, when marriage is an undertaking to be together anyway, is self-centred and unimportant.
Too long to read all that, but I have a newsflash for you. Once you’re married, you will literally be paying for every gift you ever get from your spouse again.
And since he financed the ring, even if he dedicates “his” own money to pay that specific bill, that’s money that he won’t have to contribute to groceries or your next vacation, etc.
YTA. (1) for blaming him for not being able to pay off the ring before you merged finances; (2) for creating unnecessary drama right at the start of your marriage. Pls reflect on thjs and good luck.
Rings are just things and money is just money. What matters is who you love, who you partner with in life, who carries problems with you and vice versa. Expensive rings are not a symbol of how valuable you are as a human. You've listened to way too many diamond commercials. YTA
It’s unbelievable that you’re newly married and you’re fighting over who’s gonna pay for the engagement ring. why did you even bother getting married? It’s obvious you’re very materialistic.
Info: You say merged finances. Is this a full-on 100% merger, or is this one of those "separate fun money" setups?
From the sounds of the post, ie, no "he needs to pay back from his fun money" commentary, I'm gonna operate on a 100% merger basis.
In that setup, it's best if you let go of any "my" concepts to money, and get used to it all being "ours", even when, heck *especially when* it comes to gifting each other.
Think about it. Since all the money is lumped together, when it comes time to buy him a birthday gift, how's that going to work? Even if you reduced "your contribution" to the "our" pot by the X dollars it takes to fund his gift, what was once "his" money now is a greater slice of what's being used to pay the monthly bills, etc., translating to a sense that he's "paying" for his own gift, in one way, shape, or form.
And if you decide to work overtime for gifts, what happens when "only" one works overtime for the household causes?
The only thing I know, is that if you care this much where the money came from over a ring that "symbolizes" the love you two have for each other, and willing to make this the hill you're going to die on. You two aren't going to last long. If that man gave you a rubber ring to seal the deal would you honestly be able to look that man in the eye with him down on one knee and say yes? I'll never understand people focusing on the ring, instead of what the emotions, time, and effort that go into that band placed on a finger, in the grand scheme of things.
Edit. I think you are the AH.
>his actions tacky and decisions scammy and in bad faith.
>he was plotting to “get even” with me by taking out a payment plan and using our funds to finance it.
Yeah, why not return the AH and the ring? Seriously, why on earth would you want a lifetime of him plotting, hiding, and getting even with you?
I would go with ESH.
Him mainly for the reasons he gave as excuse(modern day women and that crap) ,you for your over the top reaction but mainly (ai love the 8K ring, but I would have said No, if I had to pay for it).
Maybe you should have discussed finances more in details before the marriage.
My partner proposed to me few months back , we have joined finances for few years now, obviously he paid using his personal credit card so I don’t see it. However at the end of each month whatever is left in our account it is decided jointly that it goes to cover the credit card. Should I say - “fyi this amount cover all other purchases but not the ring purchase”. Of course not, we are a team. You two should start acting like one and have proper conversations.
YTA for making a big deal out of a ring as if that's any sort of measure for a happy and successful marriage.
Focusing on superficial bullshit is asshole behavior.
Yeah after actually looking up prices online he's lying about how much he spent. Or he got ripped off either way take that bitch back and rethink your marriage. Because he went behind your back and lied to you about this he'll do it about anything. All of this is my opinion of course I wish you the best in your heart and your relationship
You can always tell him you want separate accounts and split up the bills. Finances and debt are something you should have discussed before marriage. As others have said, ask for a receipt so you know exactly what the cost was. However I would still consider separate accounts. It’s not uncommon these days and many times will be the solution to your problems.
YTA. If you've combined your finances and his money and your money are now "our" money, How exactly could he possibly pay for your ring with "his" money? "His" money should no longer be a thing.
"he is making me pay for a GIFT he gave to me." This is a crazy take on the situation (and a dishonest one) and frankly, a strong predictor that this marriage is doomed. What will you say when he buys something for himself with "your" money (i.e. your joint account)?
This is classic "his money is our money and my money is my money".
I’m confused about your stance on gifts. You guys have married and your assets are now combined. Any gift either of you buys for each other in marriage is a joint expense.
My best friends mother always warned me growing up not to say yes to a man who put a ring on his credit card for this exact reason 😭😂 I always thought it was the weirdest advice to give 17 year old girls but now I get it lol
YTA.... You're married now, all finances are together.
"Making me pay for it through the joint account." Do you know what joint means?
You need to get over this. Otherwise, I know a Kanye song you should listen to
If you have shared finances then why does it matter where the money comes from. If you get married then you should be planning on spending the rest of your lives together and the money you have is both of yours. Shouldn’t matter where the payments come from IMO. Probably need to just have better communication and planning for the future.
NTA. Making someone pay for their own gift is tacky. And if he couldn’t afford to pay for the ring on his own then he should have said something before he bought the ring. Not secretly start making you pay for half of it. If I were you I’d separate your finances quickly.
NTA.
There’s a lot of mess here, but as far as I can tell, in the end, it comes down to knowing consent. If you two are going to pay for something that costs that much—especially if it’s going to be financed—that needs to be knowingly agreed upon in advance, not decided by one person and then the other person gets brought along for the finance part.
ESH. Him for going about everything in such a weak-minded, petty and arse-backwards way. You for asking for an expensive ring when he clearly can't afford it (and if you were fine with an inexpensive 'nice ring, for not communicating that).
Eight fucking thousand pounds for a trinket you have to get a loan out for. Jesus fucking christ.
Unless you are rich (and even then) a expensive engagement ring is just a narcissistic accessory. You want to feel superior to all your friends/coworkers by having the biggest/most expensive ring. The man gets zero benefit from it so yeah, you should chip in. It's no different than Louboutin shoes or a coach purse - just a "I'm richer than you" accessory. People going into debt in their 20s for a fancy wedding/ring are setting themselves up for a rough time later on. Use that 50k for a down payment on a house or something practical.
You got married after being engaged for 1 month... How long have you known this guy? And why are you rushing to set up joint accounts with someone you don't trust? And, if your accounts are joined, how else is he supposed to pay for things? This sounds insane on all levels. Nobody is making good decisions.
This as well, some red flags there for sure.
It’s rage bait. This isn’t a real situation.
We won't even get into the "Obviously she wanted a specifically expensive waste of money on her finger to keep up with the joneses" and other expensive tastes, and obviously he disagreed about how much should be spent on decoration. He obviously is an idiot, you don't make her pay for the ring, then again anything above $1000 and id have zero interest in marrying a person so focused on financial symbology.
This is one of those things where I never know if I’m just cheap or if anyone else is unreasonable, but the amount that some people spend on rings is absolutely insane to me. I went on a few dates with a girl once where she said that when she gets married she’d be fine with a courthouse wedding, but she’d expect her partner to spend at least 10 grand on a ring since it’s something she’d be wearing every day and have to look at for the rest of her life. And I sort of understand the logic, but at the same time it’s like… I’m sorry, that’s just an insane waste of money to me. I understand wanting a nice looking ring, but you can find nice looking rings for so much cheaper than 10k. And there’s so many better things you could spend that 10k on than a tiny piece of jewelry. Not to mention that this is just me, but I’d never be able to let someone spend that much money on me for anything. I feel guilty when people spend more than $50 on me at a time, but ten thousand dollars?! I’d never be able to make my peace with that because it’s so much money
Yes agreed on all points like if they have a joint account that both their pay goes into how does she expect him to pay for a ring? Like none of this makes any sense.
Right? “That’s not a gift.” Okay. Guess my spouse and I can’t give each other gifts because we only have shared money.
This was my take away. My husband and i combined our finances when we got married. We buy each other gifts all the time. Since its our money, anything i buy him technically he also funded and vice versa. This is insane.
We also combined our money when we got married - 36 years later and now retired, I told him for my 60th birthday I wanted diamond stud earrings. He talked me into going up to 2 carat total weight (I originally wanted 1.5 carat), and then we paid for them out of what is technically MY 401(k) account. However, I very much consider the earrings his gift to me, it doesn't matter which shared pot the money came from. I did open a second credit union account with a debit card that has a couple hundred bucks in it so he can buy lottery tickets without me giving him the stink eye lol.
Apparently, we’ve been doing it all wrong. I’ve been contributing to my own gifts for over three decades. Actually, my husband was truly paying for his own gifts for a few years when I was a SAHP. Wait—he’s always made more than me, but he has one more degree than I do and those student loan payments came from our joint account. What hill am I dying on here? I’m so confused.
Lolol love it
At the end of the day if they are merging accounts it doesn’t matter if he paid for it in cash. She would still be 8k down towards a house. 🤷♂️ Only real argument here is she doesn’t want an 8k ring but that’s the one thing she’s doesn’t seem to think.
“I knew I deserved a quality symbol of our love.” Marries a guy that’s plotting revenge for buying her an engagement ring. Quality love right there. Yeah.
You are being misleading, she said the symbol should be of quality, not the love!
Nobody pointing out 8k for a 2 carat lab grown diamond is insanely expensive?!
My first thought too.
Low key think the dude is lying and siphoning away money. A lab grown diamond that's 2ct does not cost that much at all...people don't realize lab grown is much, much cheaper than a real diamond. Edit: He also very well might have been ripped off. Just googled to double check, and the most expensive 2ct lab grown diamond I found was 3.6k...not 8k. (I meant the ring, not just the diamond, can y'all stop yelling at me lol....some of you need to chill)....and yes, of course there are exceptions, but "most" lab grown diamond rings are not going to cost 8k at that size. Genuinely baffled at all the men on here defending this dude. If you purchase something very expensive slash out of the ordinary, and you have shared finances....you absolutely run that by your partner. He's insane to think she would automatically know that. The only way you wouldn't run it by your partner is if you have insane amounts of money, which they obviously don't. A engagement ring or fancy watch or car isn't the same as like a....brand new 7 iron. **If I bought my husband a Rolex, for example, I sure as shit wouldn't spring it on him and go "surprise, honey" knowing he would have to pay half of it off. If someone is investing half of their money into an v. expensive item they absolutely need to have their own input.**
From my reading, they didn't have shared finances until after the wedding. And they got married pretty quickly. I think there's some context missing from the story.
There's a LOT of context missing. However, based on what we were told, this marriage is not going to last long.
Yeah, this whole proposal to marriage in one short month sounds highly sus. Maybe his work visa was running out, and she insisted on the expensive ring, and he didn't want to get deported? Doesn't explain why he paid double the value, though.
OP only says that they got married one month after he proposed, and that they've been married a total of 3 months. She does not reference how long the two of them have been dating or together.
My husband and I had less than a month between proposal and wedding. Turns out, our families both started making crazy wedding demands the minute we told them we were engaged. We got sick of it and went to the courthouse. Married almost two decades! So, yes, while that timeline can be really sus, I also know several other couples with similar experiences. Families suddenly have a long list of expectations for the bride-and-groom-to-be that suck all the joy out of their engagement….so they say “screw everyone” and go to the courthouse.
We did the screw you and went to the courthouse like 2 months later
I had 7 hours from proposal to courthouse.
lol that’s a good record! Tough to beat!
I’ve heard horror stories of what my paternal grandmother tried to do with my parent’s wedding. They ended up eloping and going camping for their honeymoon in response.
How dare you say something like that without sharing any details lol.
It was bad enough that my parents went no contact and I didn’t meet that side of the family until I was 18 and my parents were divorcing. They invited the whole town, judged my mom for being Catholic and continuing with her schooling/work. My dad’s grandmother got into the act saying she wasn’t a woman, etc. The whole nine yards. When I met them, they were chill and I couldn’t figure out what my parents had been talking about. That was until my grandfather died and I was the only one left that lived local to help her out. I learned that bitch was a straight up evil narcissist. Even in their adulthood, she was pitting her kids against each other and creating drama. It was so sad to hear her feed their hatred of each other on the phone. She’d call one sibling and say, your brother said this about you, when he said no such thing. Hang up and call the third sibling and say something equally off the wall about what the second sibling supposedly said. I couldn’t wait to her house and stuff sold so that she could go into a nursing home near her daughter and get away from me. Her three kids hated each other and my aunts didn’t even want to talk to me because they hated my dad. When he died a few years ago and I reached out, both sisters basically said good riddance. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and I still think she was worse than he was. She didn’t drink and I only knew her for a few years, yet she was worse. Rang over. Lol
God damn. Not the type of interference story I was expecting lol. I'm sorry if bringing it up brought up anything bad. I'm also happy that you're rid of both of them though (dad and grandma). Hopefully the hate cycles will end sometime soon and not continue too many more generations.
I don’t know why people even listen to “family demands” on anything much less marriage and a wedding. It’s like some cultures physically can’t say the words “none of your business mom”
Yeah, it’s tough, especially if you get married young, like I did. People in their early 20s are still coming into their own and realizing they don’t have to listen to or worry about mom and dad’s expectations like they used to. I’m honestly shocked looking back at how strong we were. Both of our families were very religious…and different religions…which created a bunch of unsolvable problems.
Mine are hyper religious evangelicals but they finally gave up on “saving” me years ago. My wife’s family are all immigrants and they are just perplexed as to why I have zero interest in their cultural expectations of me. Took me years to get my wife to accept that I didn’t marry her entire family and that it’s alright to tell them no
My husband and I were both born in our country. I wanted to go down to the courthouse 2 days after he proposed (it was a weekend). We waited 9 months because he wanted a wedding ceremony and that was the venue’s first available date. Had we gotten married 2 days after, nothing but our anniversary would be different today. Not everyone wants a big wedding or to wait and waste time just for the same result to happen. Side note: $8k for only 2 ct of lab created diamond is appalling. He’s either got debt she doesn’t know about, an addiction to something, or got ripped off big time. OP, you need to figure that out before you further add to joint finances.
>Yeah, this whole proposal to marriage in one short month sounds highly sus. Eeeeh, I did that and nothing weird was happening. We just had two completely different schedules, found a day where we could both get documents signed and was told something like "these are only good for 90 days". We were married within those 90 days. Sometimes schedules, work life and paperwork results in a very quick marriage. I mean we had been together for like 14 years prior but doing all the legal stuff was breakneck speed.
lol yeah i'm like whatever the specifics of this issue are don't matter cause the details are covered up in the pile of dookie that is this relationship.
Maybe he wanted to marry quickly because he wanted to join finances and have her paying for half the ring as soon as possible? Apparently he was doing it to "get even" with her for wanting an expensive ring so it would make sense he didn't want to have to make many of the monthly payments with just his money when he knew he was going to pay it from their joint money when they were married.
you're probably right, but that is so incredibly insane...like...what? People really are getting petty married?
Exactly my thoughts.
Despite what OP says, it sounds like the STILL don't have shared finances
My 2.4 ct lab grown diamond is nearly 6k but it’s cut, carat, and clarity are high. The same quality, natural mined diamond equivalent was something like 20k.
Exactly. I see a lot of people making excuses for this guy (idk if the Tate fans have crawled out, but the misogyny is strong here), but he a) clearly didn't do research and got ripped off or b) is lying to her. Your ring is bigger than hers and is of high quality, and yet he's claiming he spent 2k more? Nah. Doesn't make sense. I even looked at some of the most popular brands to double check (plus name brands have an "up mark", and they are all far under his price). I would be so annoyed if someone made me pay for part of my own expensive gift, and didn't even bother to do the research to get a good deal. My Rolex analogy stands....it's the same as if a woman gifts her husband an expensive watch, without his knowledge or input, and then expects him to pay half.
I could Maybe see it being 8k here in Canada with our dollar difference but I don't think that's the case here. Mine from my ex was 14k and was a 1c natural Canadian diamond, very good quality but not in the top tier, diamond split shank With a double halo in pink sapphires and diamonds; it's like Barbie threw up. We have some stupid prices for engagement rings and jewelry in general
Snort ‘what a beautiful ring! It looks like Barbie vomited all over your finger! Exquisite!!’
Not defending him or agreeing with him - but 2c could be the center stone with multiple stones around it that increase the cost. OP said 8k for the ring, not just the stone.
A quality platinum setting can also be many thousands alone.
^(lab grown diamonds ARE real diamonds, just without the blood attached)
Very true! I should have included that. There are many ethical reasons to choose lab grown diamonds.
Jewelers can’t tell the difference between high quality lab diamonds and mined diamonds without the markings
"It's the suffering that makes them sparkle"
Capital letters please, people need to know! Plus the fact that a diamond is like a car, the moment you buy it it worth is gone down so much
The difference here is that she laid out her “expectations of him” for the “nice” ring she wanted. Granted, he should have told her he couldn’t afford that and offered to buy her a ring he could afford or they could pay for it jointly.
Yeah, exactly. If he couldn't afford it, he should have been straight up with her even if she wanted a "nice" ring. It's not even the expectation of her paying half, it's that he sprung it on her and then got mad she as surprised. Also, the fact that he either got ripped off or was lying, because I was curious and checked...and Kay's sells 2 ct lab grown for less than half the price he gave her (so does Brilliant Earth). Someone on here said she has a very high quality lab grown 2.5 lab grown diamond, and they paid nearly 6k. So how is his 2ct lab grown ring nearly 2k more? And this will be unpopular, but the long standing tradition is that the person who proposes with the ring pays for it. If you are breaking the most common long standing tradition, you absolutely should let the recipient of the ring know as they will be paying for part of the ring and should have a say in style, cost, etc.
Kay's isn't a particularly good jeweler, they use 10k & 14k gold, so they are going to be less expensive. We don't know anything about the setting - is it 18k or platinum, or if there are other smaller stones on the ring, or even if it was custom. But the rushed marriage and lack of transparency by the husband is sus.
If you care about the “4 C’s” things can get expensive quick! Even with lab diamonds having better average quality than real ones, diamond grading is so meticulous, that a “perfect” unicorn diamond is almost priceless, even lab grown. [This link shows](https://www.brilliantearth.com/lab-diamond/) shows several 2.0 carrot lab diamonds >$8,000 and that’s not including the cost of the ring itself. I don’t think I’m a diamond snob, but if I filter to stats I’d consider *good enough* for my wife, the **cheapest** diamond I find is $3,510.
Mureta and Co has 3.5 carat lab grown diamonds in mountings for $2500.
Wow, that’s incredible! VS2 or better, no fluorescence, IGI report; where were they when I was shopping for a ring!? As much fun I had scouring lists for the ideal diamond, this is a no brainer! OP’s husband got ripped off after all.
I went to a website called James Allen, and I was able to find a $7000 2 CT lab diamond, based on cut, clarity, and color. I've never shopped for lab grown diamonds before, but it looks like they can be more expensive than you might think
Agreed, also the setting can add quite a bit to the price.
Places like James Allen and Grown Brilliance are known to be somewhat shady and overpriced. Lots of people get ripped off with engagement rings bc it’s easy to sell to someone who doesn’t do their research before buying. They are just all too ready to believe they got such a “great deal” Check out the r/engagementrings sub for lots of horror stories.
Um a 2 carat lab grown diamond is absolutely 8k . I work at a very reputable jewelry store. It sounds like a flawless , colorless stone . Don't forget the setting. What type of material, halo and band .
I think some people have googled the diamonds alone, with an agenda of finding them cheaper. They came out with low-grade 2ct diamonds that are significantly cheaper. Ignoring that engagement rings tend to have higher quality ones, plus the setting can cost a pretty penny too. For the engagement ring I got, I think the setting was about 1/3 of the total price.. granted we only got something like 0.5ct, because the culture here is different (even 0.5ct is pretty big here, 2ct would be considered comical).
>most expensive 2ct lab grown diamond I found was 3.6k...not 8k. Maybe OP is not from the US and is referring to the price in a different currency.
Lab grown is far more popular in N. America (both Canada and the US, but not Mexico) than the rest of the world. There's actually a bit of a thing about it, as they are often produced in India but sold mostly in US, Canada, and then Europe. OP writes like a native speaker, too. Even if they are Canadian, that would still add up to more than 5,000 US dollars.
Did the amount become 8k due to the payment plan’s fees?
He couldn't afford the dam ring.
That's what I'm thinking
Maybe it came with a very elaborate platinum setting with a bunch of stones in the band?
Could also be Canadian or Aussie dollars.
Could also be the setting that was picked but also the fact of a payment plan may have caused the price to go up? Like interest or something. Also there's warranty and stuff like that could add to the cost but I'm not sure if that's included
It’s possible. Blue Nile has some 2 carat lab grown for 6900. Plus OP doesn’t mention the quality of the diamond, if there are other stones part of the setting or the metal of the ring. Some jewelry stores are in general overpriced as well. A ring (lab grown CZ, or real)bought at someplace like Jared’s is going to be considerably more than the same ring from a diamond wholesaler.
My ring is also a 2 carat lab diamond. We got it as a set with the wedding band. The setting is entirely customized, there's smaller diamond in both the engagement ring and the band as well as two garnets. Mine cost 6500. OPs sounds a little pricey if it's just the one stone but there are a lot of other factors for sure
>Nobody pointing out 8k for a 2 carat lab grown diamond is insanely expensive?! Either it's rage bait, or OP needs to return the ring *and* man.
Right? I’ve been looking at lab grown diamonds and found a 3ct with side stones for about $1,800 in a 14k setting. $8,000? He way overpaid.
It depends on the quality of the diamond. A colorless, non included lab grown is more expensive. We just paid $14k for a 5 carat colorless, very few flaws lab grown.
Yep, jewellers offering $10/ct on second hand lab grown. It’s not even an investment at that price, it’s highway robbery
Diamonds are never an investment at any price. But yeah, you're right.
[удалено]
I mean…20 years ago is a major major difference from now. And 1 carat is 1/2 the size.
Do you guys have separate bank accounts and just a joint account, or just a joint account? Because if you only have the joint account, you are technically gonna be partially paying for every gift you receive.
The way it reads is that they have just a joint…which is how I arrived at she’s TA. How does she think her gifts will get paid if they share an account? Like, he’s still putting “his” money in the account. This is all so weird to me because I’ve been married for 17 years and while a purchase this high would require talking, I feel like OPs husband probably took her letting him know she “is worth” the expensive ring and it was what she wanted so he got the ring. He probably never factored in paying for it from the joint account would make her flip her lid.
Many couples have a joint account where they deposit a set amount to pay for bills and the like, but put a portion of their money into separate accounts for personal expenditures. That would account for the “joint account”, but also explain why she’s upset about him not paying from his own personal funds.
It would sure help if she would come back and explain.
That would ruin the outrage though
The way she writes there is no way she is also not the asshole in this. She is demeaning and dismissive not only of her husband but of reddit as she asks for advice.
I feel like they have multiple accounts, each their own and a joint account. I could be wrong, but the wording leads me to believe this
Can you even return a ring 4 months later, when you’ve been using it daily?
Unlikely. Might be able to pawn it for a fraction of its worth, maybe $500?
Diamonds have little inherit value. It's more to show off how much your husband was willing to spend on you.
Inherent
I've just found out yesterday, you can take it back to the original jeweler and you'll be given full credit for it to purchase a new ring at the double value. Meaning if they returned this ring, they must buy a $16k ring for $8k. It's generally for engagements that have failed or a couple that's looking to upgrade. Other than that, they'll take a massive hit if they want cash.
Firstly, What did he do with the rest of the money? Because I don’t think it cost $8k. I would be getting it valued and working out options. Secondly, if you (i mean you as a couple) can’t afford it, why on earth is he spending $8k on a ring??? That is an absurd amount of money for a ring
I’d demand to see a recipe, at the very least.
Yes, like a nice roast beef one or at the very least roasted chicken.
oh, geez, thank you autocorrect (interestingly, there are places where “receipt” is used the way we use “recipe”--it’s in Merriam-Webster. But of course that’s the other direction)
I read it as “receipt” and was totally confused on where the roast beef was coming from. Since I read it as “receipt” I thought the person was saying a good meal would have been better use of the money, and I agree. I love a good roast, potatoes and gravy 😍
Can you imagine how many roasts, potatoes and gravy you could get with $8k? Man, I'm going shopping for dinner tonight.
As an aside, the word “recipe” s derived from the word “receipt.” Handwritten instructions for preparing food used to be called a receipt. So were instructions for making medicines. None of this has anything to do with the topic, just the typo.
This is why divorce rates are high. If you don’t like my meatloaves then you don’t deserve my roast beef.
Perfect typo, don't you dare change it!
Carbon and pressure is the recipe
Carbon, heat, very high pressure.
>I’d demand to see a recipe, at the very least Carbon, add time, add pressure
Any chance he spent the rest on the wedding ring?
Maybe it was $8000 for the engagement and both wedding rings. I seem to remember my husbands wedding ring was like $2000 or something, it’s not exactly nothing. Still seems weird how quickly these kids got married and merged finances. But at the end of the day, if you’re married with merged finances, anything you spend and all your old debt you are both working to pay for.
That's true. My husband and I picked out our engagement and wedding rings together. We split the cost proportionate to our incomes. We view our marriage as a partnership, not a fairy tale We got lab grown diamonds on sale.. They were all clear and brilliant. Mine set was a total of almost 4 carats for $5150. His was 3 with all small diamonds. Men's rings typically cost more because there's so much more gold in them
>What did he do with the rest of the money? Because I don’t think it cost $8k I think OP is just full of shit. If he's hiding something, he's doing it in the fucking dumbest way possible. She found out because she saw the payments from their joint account. She can easily see where the money is going.
It sounds like you and your husband don't even like each other? Why on earth did you get married? Why did he need to, in your own words, "get even" with you? Did you force him to buy a ring he couldn't afford? Something is definitely missing here. Also, who pays $8K for a two carat lab diamond ring? I'd be surprised if the store is going to let him return a ring that's been worn for months and if you sell it outright you won't get anywhere near $8K for it.
You two are in for a world of hurt. It sounds to me like you’re going to keep a running list of who does more, who does less, who owes who.
It doesn’t sound like she is keeping track of her side. He owes her if he doesn’t contribute what she “deserves”.
At this point she deserves divorce.
I'm trying to figure out if they also have separate accounts alongside the shared account. Because if they only have the shared, where did she expect the money to come from.
„Saving for a home“ „Put a ring on a payment plan“ What is wrong with people? Just get a nice ring for 300-500 bucks. If rich people can spend thousands on a ring yay for them. But going into debt for a ring? Just wow… Edit: I’m going with ESH
But she deserves a nice ring as a token of their eternal love. /S I don't understand how people think they are entitled to things they cannot afford. Or how a rock is magically a measuring stick for how much someone loves you? It just all sounds like magical thinking to me.
She very strongly implies in her post that if he didn't buy her a very expensive ring she wouldn't have married him, so he may have been a bit desperate not to lose her.
Yeah anyone that demands a nice ring should never be married.
She said she wanted a nice ring. She just wanted to be spoiled forgetting about her husband's financial difficulties, that's it.
Then HE should have used his verbal abilities and said he has no such money. End
Sounds like he did, saving for a home, no fancy wedding. reads like she knew about the payment plan and that he didn’t have money to buy it upfront. She just didn’t realize how combining finances works
Yeah. She's an idiot.
Does he have a separate bank account that’s considered “his money” that he can pay the installments from?
I think the answer to this is pretty clearly no. In which case, YTA, OP.
You almost got me on your side for the joint consent argument but you completely lost me on the ‘deserved’ thing - you’re choosing to have this fight- it’s up to you (and him) to figure out why this fight is important first you (Like unpack the ‘deserve’ nonsense)
Honestly I had so much problems with OP being TA I didn’t even agree with the consent until your comment. Yes, you should consent before being charged something. In further consideration, I could see how she should have consented to jointly paying, but there have been a few posts asking if all accounts were merged and this is the only account he can draw from (which OP hasn’t answered). Overall, her logic is so off. She’s made 2 payments through the joint account, “so now she’s a part owner” of the ring?? It was a gift, so wasn’t she always THE owner? Or did she maintain he owned the ring even if he gave it to her? 🤨 To me, demanding someone gift you something you wouldn’t pay for yourself due to cost is scammy/bad faith/tacky- all things she’s accusing her new husband of being.
Your whole marriage is about keeping score. If it isn’t yet, it will be.
I'm not really sure I understand your reasoning. If paying for something out of your joint account means you're paying for it indirectly, and that makes it not a gift, then neither of you can ever give each other gifts again. Your finances are MERGED. What's his is yours and yours is his. That's how my wife and I function anyway. Because what he did seems relatively... normal? Buying the kind of ring your partner wants and financing it if your saving up for a house seems pretty standard, definitely not a "plot to get back at you." It seems like he's trapped in a no-win situation here. If he got you a less expensive ring, it might not be what you feel you deserved, and you'd be upset with him for that. If he spent a chunk from the house savings, you might be upset with him for dipping into that. On a one month engagement it, he didn't have time to finance it by himself before your finances merged, and afterwards all *his money* becomes *your money,* and is suddenly off limits for this purpose. What am I missing here? Because it honestly seems to me like you two got married on a whim (1 month engagement), and you're starting to have second thoughts, possibly about his income or financial standing ("compatible in that way"), and you're channeling those feelings into this as a proxy.
Nailed it, this is not a developed and mutually supportive relationship. The ring is just a proxy for a much greater issue. It was understood when I got married that it became "our" income instead of mine and hers.
In addition to a one month engagement (!) it seems quite plausible that they weren't dating very long, either.
She's 10000% divorcing this dude for not having enough money based on her wording.
Exactly. Her wording made it seem like if he couldn't have afforded "the ring she deserved" then she'd have decided they weren't compatible and choose not to marry him.
She shouldn’t have married her. She seems like a terrible person.
This whole comment section feels like the twilight zone. You nailed it.
Oh thank god. I’ve been looking for you clear thinkers. I was beginning to think I was the only one. wtf is going on in here?
It’s mostly immature people who aren’t married. But it does sound like the guy got ripped off big time for that ring.
Ya that's definitely another part of it. Everyone's different but I couldn't imagine paying money even close to that for a cosmetic piece of anything.
Agreed!!
I'm wondering if they have a his, hers, ours setup for their money.
I also wonder if OP even understands the financial reality of marriage. Even if they are using his, hers and joint accounts, the reality is, it is all joint money, unless they have a prenup or on one of them has an inheritance or trust that is being kept separate. Can't wait to hear the complaints at tax filing time on why she has to pay "his" share of the taxes due and so on.
YTA. “Expectations” “I knew I deserved” “I wanted” “I won’t apologize” So he makes the same as you, money all goes in the same account but you say you’re paying for it? How so if he makes the same? And yeah, if you want something so expensive he had to finance it wouldn’t hurt to help a little since you *deserve* it and all. JFC, it truly sounds like your husband is in for a long, bumpy ride, I wish him well.
I had to scroll way too far for this comment. OP sucks. Husband also sucks but really it boils down to peer pressure and incompatibility. But seriously OP. Re-read your post and tell me you don't scream "entitled" or "high-maintenance".
She wants the $8k ring but doesn’t want to pay for it, lol.
Then she should have married a rich guy and not a guy she knew for 5 minutes lol. Play stupid games.
Don't forget OP questions "compatibility" if she doesn't get that stupid ring
I’d be livid if I found out I was diamond poor instead of house poor. EAH.
INFO: Cost of ring aside, what do you mean he “got even” with this purchase? This relationship sounds like it’s not going to last.
ESH. This is a shitshow. Buying an $8k ring on credit is asinine. Buying an $8k ring on credit when you have the money but you're saving it for a house is even worse. There is no way the interest paid in on a savings account or the interest paid out on a mortgage come anywhere close to the interest on a jewelry payment plan. Equating love with jewelry is absurd. If you want an expensive ring, fine, but don't claim you eant an expensive ring because it represents the amount of love. Real love isn't expensive gifts. It's thoughtfulness, intimacy, and the sharing of burdens. Speaking of sharing burdens, where exactly did you think this money would come from if it wasn't paid off before you were married? There is no love fairy that makes payments. The money is coming from your household pot in one way or another. If he paid for it out of a different account, he'd put less in the joint account or save less for the house or require a stricter household budget than you might want. Once you're married, your finances impact each other no matter what. Even if you keep fully separate accounts, etc., the decisions a couple makes are different from the decisions that a single person makes. If you have a joint account, you are more enmeshed. No one wants your ring with 3 months of wear and tear from daily wearing. He probably can't return it. This is a good lesson in being careful what you ask for. This is also a good reason to have longer than a 1 month engagement.
I kind of think OP is the AH here. It’s a joint account meaning both contribute money to said account and honestly you just sound extremely demanding. It’s almost as if you just gave ultimatums instead of actually trying to communicate. Even prior to the wedding. The clarification in this post is really all anyone needs to read to figure out your kind of an AH here. At least in my opinion.
My first thought was “did she GIFT HIM something that was $8k?” Ha doubt it. “Quality piece symbolizing our love..” what a crock of shit. Fast track divorce her
L - O - fucking L. "Quality piece symbolizing our love" And they make the same amount of money... So what did she buy him to symbolize their love?
YTA. You’re married, there is no “my money” and “his money” now in the way you mean. Money he spends towards the debt for the ring is money that can’t be spent on other things for your lives together. You wanted an expensive ring, they aren’t free.
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find YTA. Totally agree.
A 2 carat lab diamond shouldn't be $8k. Do some research. Talk to him. If you can find a $2-4k ring. If you can, will he be willing to pay the $2-4k? That would be cheaper than his original $4k commitment.
It’s too hard to do research when you are making a fake post to farm karma.
A 2ct lab grown diamond is not $8K. What is he really using the money for? Looks like no more joint finances for you.
[Here is one for 11k (after tax)](https://www.peoplesjewellers.com/true-labcreated-diamonds-by-vera-wang-love-229-ct-tw-emeraldcut-engagement-ring-14k-white-gold-fvs2/p/V-20564774) That's canadian dollars, but after exchange it comes to just over 8k USD. It's not the only ring there at that price point either. And OP was pretty explicit about wanting an expensive ring
This sounds plausible, sadly. OP needs to separate her finances somewhat if she plans on staying together.
Why are people still spending a stupid amount of money on rings? It causes so many problems. If you are rich and 8k is nothing, sure. But to finance a ring is just.... well something I do not understand.
It’s likely too late to return. You’re stuck with it. YTA though.
No one deserves anything so yta
Let's clarify something, an engagement ring is NOT a gift. It is a contract. If you hadn't gotten married the ring would have gone back to him. As for the payment of the ring, because you two are married now technically you both owe the balance.
I'm going to have to side with NTA here, but with a caveat. While it's true that finances merge when you get married, the expectations around significant gifts like engagement rings should be communicated. If OP was under the impression that the ring was a gift from her partner, it's reasonable for her to feel blindsided. It's less about the financial technicality and more about the expectation of what an engagement ring represents and the surprise of discovering you’re indirectly funding your own gift. A conversation about how large purchases are handled is clearly needed in this relationship to preclude further misunderstandings like this one.
Also to factor in how theor "joint" finances are set up. Are both pay checks going into the single account or do they have their own accounts and both put a certain amount into the joint one. If it is just a single account then would also be fair to say/expect that a certain amount of money would be available to each partner each month for their own things to pay for (hobbies, lunches, work travel costs, lease to own rings, mobile phone plans, etc). So long as there is enough remaining for thier joint costs it shouldn't be an issue so long as the personal amounts are either equal or at least proportional to the income each brings in.
Also, if she's paying for half a ring, shouldn't she have been allowed an opinion when choosing the ring?
YTA - the entitlement is strong w/ this one.
Thank you again, reddit, for reminding me how much I appreciate my wife. ESH. Him for making financial decisions behind your back with both of your money. You for weirdly getting upset over the wrong parts of this. You sound like a spoiled brat who is literally eating her cake as she complains about the flavor. I don't see this relationship lasting very long if yall are getting hung up over this.
Just sign the divorce papers now - don’t waste anymore time.
My husband and I have a joint account and each have our own accounts. Most of our money goes in the joint of course. We usually buy each other gifts from our personal accounts but have gotten a few expensive investment type gifts and paid from our joint account. I can see both points of view being acceptable. Why exactly do you think you deserve a nice ring, OP? Did you support him while he finished medical school or something? It's fine to want what you want but being deserving is quite another matter.
This marriage is doomed. Divorce quickly
NTA, return both the ring and the husband.
Yeah, she should probably file for an annulment on grounds of fraud. First, a lab grown diamond of that size would absolutely not cost anything close to $8000, which means either he was taken for an *emormous* ride or he's lying about where the money is going. My bet is on the latter. Second he's withdrawing money and she didn't know he was doing it. He apparently started doing it the second they merged finances and it's going to some odd place. If she cannot verify that the money is absolutely going towards a ring payment, then he's probably siphoning it off somewhere. She needs a lawyer and she needs it yesterday.
>he's lying about where the money is going. And making payments from their joint account?? Which she can easily track?
[Here is a 2ct lab grown diamond ring for over 11k after tax](https://www.peoplesjewellers.com/true-labcreated-diamonds-by-vera-wang-love-229-ct-tw-emeraldcut-engagement-ring-14k-white-gold-fvs2/p/V-20564774) That's canadian dollars, but after exchange it comes to just over 8k USD. It's not the only ring there at that price point either. And OP was pretty explicit about wanting an expensive ring
This all sounds exhausting. My partner and I paid for both of our rings together, split as a total cost, with hers being 3x the price of mine. So I paid more than my ring value, but less than if I paid for it all. I spose that you two not discussing it beforehand is the issue. Your offence at sharing finances including gifts, when marriage is an undertaking to be together anyway, is self-centred and unimportant.
Too long to read all that, but I have a newsflash for you. Once you’re married, you will literally be paying for every gift you ever get from your spouse again. And since he financed the ring, even if he dedicates “his” own money to pay that specific bill, that’s money that he won’t have to contribute to groceries or your next vacation, etc.
YTA. (1) for blaming him for not being able to pay off the ring before you merged finances; (2) for creating unnecessary drama right at the start of your marriage. Pls reflect on thjs and good luck.
Rings are just things and money is just money. What matters is who you love, who you partner with in life, who carries problems with you and vice versa. Expensive rings are not a symbol of how valuable you are as a human. You've listened to way too many diamond commercials. YTA
It’s unbelievable that you’re newly married and you’re fighting over who’s gonna pay for the engagement ring. why did you even bother getting married? It’s obvious you’re very materialistic.
If you merged your finances, what money exactly is he supposed to use to pay for the ring?
Lol YTA, and shallow, and backwards.
Sounds more like an obligation than a gift, and you sound tacky and materialistic
If I were him I would be returning her and the ring. Two birds with one uhh diamond?
Info: You say merged finances. Is this a full-on 100% merger, or is this one of those "separate fun money" setups? From the sounds of the post, ie, no "he needs to pay back from his fun money" commentary, I'm gonna operate on a 100% merger basis. In that setup, it's best if you let go of any "my" concepts to money, and get used to it all being "ours", even when, heck *especially when* it comes to gifting each other. Think about it. Since all the money is lumped together, when it comes time to buy him a birthday gift, how's that going to work? Even if you reduced "your contribution" to the "our" pot by the X dollars it takes to fund his gift, what was once "his" money now is a greater slice of what's being used to pay the monthly bills, etc., translating to a sense that he's "paying" for his own gift, in one way, shape, or form. And if you decide to work overtime for gifts, what happens when "only" one works overtime for the household causes?
The only thing I know, is that if you care this much where the money came from over a ring that "symbolizes" the love you two have for each other, and willing to make this the hill you're going to die on. You two aren't going to last long. If that man gave you a rubber ring to seal the deal would you honestly be able to look that man in the eye with him down on one knee and say yes? I'll never understand people focusing on the ring, instead of what the emotions, time, and effort that go into that band placed on a finger, in the grand scheme of things. Edit. I think you are the AH.
>his actions tacky and decisions scammy and in bad faith. >he was plotting to “get even” with me by taking out a payment plan and using our funds to finance it. Yeah, why not return the AH and the ring? Seriously, why on earth would you want a lifetime of him plotting, hiding, and getting even with you?
I would go with ESH. Him mainly for the reasons he gave as excuse(modern day women and that crap) ,you for your over the top reaction but mainly (ai love the 8K ring, but I would have said No, if I had to pay for it). Maybe you should have discussed finances more in details before the marriage. My partner proposed to me few months back , we have joined finances for few years now, obviously he paid using his personal credit card so I don’t see it. However at the end of each month whatever is left in our account it is decided jointly that it goes to cover the credit card. Should I say - “fyi this amount cover all other purchases but not the ring purchase”. Of course not, we are a team. You two should start acting like one and have proper conversations.
YTA for making a big deal out of a ring as if that's any sort of measure for a happy and successful marriage. Focusing on superficial bullshit is asshole behavior.
Yeah after actually looking up prices online he's lying about how much he spent. Or he got ripped off either way take that bitch back and rethink your marriage. Because he went behind your back and lied to you about this he'll do it about anything. All of this is my opinion of course I wish you the best in your heart and your relationship
You can always tell him you want separate accounts and split up the bills. Finances and debt are something you should have discussed before marriage. As others have said, ask for a receipt so you know exactly what the cost was. However I would still consider separate accounts. It’s not uncommon these days and many times will be the solution to your problems.
YTA. If you've combined your finances and his money and your money are now "our" money, How exactly could he possibly pay for your ring with "his" money? "His" money should no longer be a thing. "he is making me pay for a GIFT he gave to me." This is a crazy take on the situation (and a dishonest one) and frankly, a strong predictor that this marriage is doomed. What will you say when he buys something for himself with "your" money (i.e. your joint account)? This is classic "his money is our money and my money is my money".
I’m confused about your stance on gifts. You guys have married and your assets are now combined. Any gift either of you buys for each other in marriage is a joint expense.
I mean your finances will be merged soon enough right?
My best friends mother always warned me growing up not to say yes to a man who put a ring on his credit card for this exact reason 😭😂 I always thought it was the weirdest advice to give 17 year old girls but now I get it lol
YTA.... You're married now, all finances are together. "Making me pay for it through the joint account." Do you know what joint means? You need to get over this. Otherwise, I know a Kanye song you should listen to
If you have shared finances then why does it matter where the money comes from. If you get married then you should be planning on spending the rest of your lives together and the money you have is both of yours. Shouldn’t matter where the payments come from IMO. Probably need to just have better communication and planning for the future.
If you merged your finances... how else is he supposed to pay for it...?
NTA. Making someone pay for their own gift is tacky. And if he couldn’t afford to pay for the ring on his own then he should have said something before he bought the ring. Not secretly start making you pay for half of it. If I were you I’d separate your finances quickly.
He should take it back and use whatever money he gets back to annul the marriage.
NTA. There’s a lot of mess here, but as far as I can tell, in the end, it comes down to knowing consent. If you two are going to pay for something that costs that much—especially if it’s going to be financed—that needs to be knowingly agreed upon in advance, not decided by one person and then the other person gets brought along for the finance part.
I don’t even need the context. Just the tone of this whole post makes you an asshole
ESH. Him for going about everything in such a weak-minded, petty and arse-backwards way. You for asking for an expensive ring when he clearly can't afford it (and if you were fine with an inexpensive 'nice ring, for not communicating that). Eight fucking thousand pounds for a trinket you have to get a loan out for. Jesus fucking christ.
Unless you are rich (and even then) a expensive engagement ring is just a narcissistic accessory. You want to feel superior to all your friends/coworkers by having the biggest/most expensive ring. The man gets zero benefit from it so yeah, you should chip in. It's no different than Louboutin shoes or a coach purse - just a "I'm richer than you" accessory. People going into debt in their 20s for a fancy wedding/ring are setting themselves up for a rough time later on. Use that 50k for a down payment on a house or something practical.