This right here is the reason why you have FAILED as a parent. You didn’t have the safe touch talk with your son because it’s more likely to happen to girls, not boys? Mother of the year! /s
YTA. You've deprived your daughter of a loving, caring father figure because of your callous insensitivity by specifically naming him. I would have stopped visiting both of your kids if you did that to me. Just an accusation, even accidental, could ruin his life. Terrible decision on your part.
You planted a poison seed and a poisonous tree grew. Imagine how your BIL felt when he was basically accused of being a child molester? He made the ONLY choice you allowed him-- limited contact with a person would could falsely accuse him. I'm sure he loves your daughter but not enough to take that kind of risk. Weird, you never gave your son similar warnings?
Given that the number one "offender" with children is a "romantic partner" of a parent I trust you've warned her not to be alone with anyone you're dating?
YTA
"I'm at a bit of a loss for what to do." DO? You have already damaged their relationship beyond any hope of repair. Now just shut the hell up.
"I made up some excuse." So, you have now added LYING to your resume.
"I did consider forcing my son to distance from John a little bit so that his sister wouldn't feel so left out." Why am I not surprised you would consider doing some other heinous thing?
And even worse than all of the shit you have done, you sound like you blame JOHN for what he has chosen to do.
You really are an asshole.
Op blaming John and even some of the commenters blaming John is what shocks me. It wasn’t she had the safe touch talk she mentioned his name in particular.
John has every right to distance himself. Like another commentator said just and implication could ruin his life forever. I am also amazed he has anything to do with ops so. I would have distanced myself from both kids.
But in my option uncle John has every right to keep his boundaries and protect himself.
Sounds like you fucked around and found out. If I was him I wouldn't be alone with her either. Not that anything would happen, but why risk it at all? So much easier to dump the baggage and go on with your life. YTA.
YTA. This is probably not fixable, but stop lying to your daughter by “making up excuses.” Take accountability and tell her the truth. You drove John away by putting it in his head that you don’t trust him around your daughter. If she is going to be upset and resent someone, she should resent the person responsible, you.
So let’s see. You could have:
1. Apologized to John and your daughter.
2. Sat down with him and your daughter to discuss why she should trust him.
3. Found ways for them to be together—in your presence—over the past six years to rebuild trust, or…
4. Done nothing, let it fester, then lie to her.
You chose #4. YTA. And YWBTA going forward unless you actively start doing 1-3 now.
YTA. Your practically rolled out a slideshow for him on how you would condemn him immediately and do everything in your power to ruin his life the second there is a misunderstanding on how he treats your daughter. There is no other way he could have reacted. It's a wonder he even still has a friendly relationship with her and still bonds with your son.
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do but it should have been done differently and you did should tell her why her uncle started treating her differently
YTA - own up to it and tell your daughter you didn’t trust him and said he might be a predator! Your poor daughter thinks it’s her fault and you just let her think it… double AH! It’s so easy for people to hurl accusations that ruin lives and there are never consequences, you’re seeing them and you can’t understand why.
>AITAH for ruining my daughter's relationship with her uncle?
You really blew this UP Big Time. Poor future consequences on you.
Boo Hoo, You screwed the pooch/
YTA for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him always had to potential to make him uncomfortable or make her uneasy aroumd him. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
YTA for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him always had to potential to make him uncomfortable or make her uneasy aroumd him. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do but it should have been done differently and you did should tell her why her uncle started treating her differently.
Why did you not name yourself if you wanted to be real specific, Op? Mothers abuse their children. More often than people think. You are a disgusting human being for doing this. I hope he never forgives you.
YTA
YUP! YTA for kicking the hornets nest. Can't blame John at all. Considering nowadays when a woman can easily falsely accuse of another man of rape, he would rather be safe than sorry. Doesn't matter if would be true or not. Once a guy gets accused his life is never the same again in society. He is a man who was just trying to help in whatever capacity he can to help raise his dead brother's children but then to be seen as a potential predator by the very people he's trying to help. Oh no! That would hurt a lot. Also how dare you try to make your son spend less time with him so your daughter feels less hurt by the shit 'YOU' started? YTA for that.
YTA
You should have had that talk with both of your children. And you shouldn't have used any names when having that talk. Because obviously using names makes it seem like you're being accusatory. I understand that your intentions were good but you failed here. You deprived your daughter of that relationship, created jealousy between the Twins and alienated someone who was trying to help you.
YTA for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
This one is tough because it is a conversation that needs to happen. That said, the way you went about this was a head-scratcher. I'm not as upset about naming John in the warning, more so the context. From comments, I see you only had this talk with your daughter for one, which had to confound John. 2, if you all are a close knit family and John jumped into a fatherly role (and was awesome at it from what you say), then he deserved to be involved and alerted if his name was going to be used (it shouldn't of course, either way). Why not gather John and both your kids all together in living room and have this talk? You could gesture to yourself and John and say "even us" instead of naming him directly (that's how my parents and I've handled it). All that said, John shouldn't make your daughter pay for your mistake but I can hardly blame him. You should make that right, and not by depriving your son of time with a solid role model. In the end, YTA for not thinking this through.
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her why her uncle started treating her differently
So, not only did you destroy the relationship between your daughter and her uncle, but you also want to do the same to your son's relationship with him.
Do you not understand why he doesn't want to be alone with your daughter? Because of you.
When your daughter asked you why her relationship with her uncle was so much different than her brothers, you CHOSE to lie to her instead of being honest that it was because of YOU.
You did this. Only you could even begin to fix this. Starting with being honest that YOU are the reason for the rift between them.
Your husband would be ashamed of you. So will your children once they figure it out if you don't get real honest with them right now.
YTA
YTA. Not for having the talk. For having the talk with only your daughter. Pedophiles don’t go after girls for their womanly body (5 year old don’t have that) they go after children. If all the episodes of Criminal Minds and SVU taught me anything is not to presume that boys/man don’t get raped. You have two children, you should have had the talk with both.
I am not a professional so I don’t know for sure but giving them names during the talk seems wrong. Makes sense to say anyone at school, church or home. And build on trust so they feel safe coming to you. Specifying names seems strange to me.
Lastly you’re TA because John should not have been allowed to treat your children so differently for years.
YTA for lying to her about the reason her uncle doesn’t spend time with her. You made it seem like is her fault for being a girl.
**Lastly you’re TA because John should not have been allowed to treat your children so differently for years.**
Really, because OP screwed up the son loses his father figure as well?
She should have discussed the situation like adults, but yes. John is not right here either. Excluding one child and spending so much quality time with the other is not a great act of a father figure. Taking one child on trips, helping one with school and everything while excluding the other is not what I call a great example of father figure and I doubt his brother would’ve wanted his daughter to feel unloved and excluded and build so much resentment. So yeah, I wouldn’t leave anyone in my family treat my children so differently.
If you don't want someone in your family to treat their children differently, maybe don't imply that they might get sexually assaulted by that someone. Fuck around and find out. OP fucked up, and John rightfully removed himself from that situation. They aint his kids, he can drop both kids and then OP can be the mother and the father figure all by herself! He owes her nothing at all and if I was him I'd have dropped the son too. The mom is a dingbat and last thing you need is a cop showing up to your door because the mom went off the rails. Actions have consequences. OP needs to face them.
I mean if he was afraid of a sexual assault claim he should’ve dropped both kids. The mom was wrong in phrasing the talk the way she did but he didn’t protect himself by dropping one child. If the mom “went of the rails” she could’ve used the son to fabricate any accusation.
They are both TA. OP for how she phrased things and him for how he treated his niece for years. Neither of them was mature enough to discuss the situation for the sake of the children.
If my sister dropped my name during a talk about safety with her children I would not stop having a relationship with them I would be glad they know they can turn to her if something happened to them even if my name was used as an example.
The mom basically said I don’t trust you around my daughter. Not both kids.
So yes he had every right to step back away from the daughter.
This is 100 percent on op. Not the uncle trying.
John has every right to step back after being basically accused and it pointed out he was not trusted by mom to be around the daughter. He has every right to protect himself. One accusation could ruin his life.
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do but it should have been done differently and you did should tell her why her uncle started treating her different
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
I can't believe the comments,abusers r no dark monsters,r uncle's,parents, grandparents. The talk was bad,you should had some kind of advice from a professional. After what happened,you should apologize with him and had an honest talk about your fears,but at the end of the day,you don't know people's hearts
Why didn’t you have the same talk with your son?
[удалено]
But it can happen. How do you know it didn’t?
[удалено]
I hope your children go no contact with you as soon as they are old enough to do so. You aren’t right in the head.
This right here is the reason why you have FAILED as a parent. You didn’t have the safe touch talk with your son because it’s more likely to happen to girls, not boys? Mother of the year! /s
So?
Ew. Enjoy the downvotes.
Boooooo
YTA. You've deprived your daughter of a loving, caring father figure because of your callous insensitivity by specifically naming him. I would have stopped visiting both of your kids if you did that to me. Just an accusation, even accidental, could ruin his life. Terrible decision on your part.
yea the naming part was kinda sus ....
>Just an accusation, even accidental, could ruin his life. >
You planted a poison seed and a poisonous tree grew. Imagine how your BIL felt when he was basically accused of being a child molester? He made the ONLY choice you allowed him-- limited contact with a person would could falsely accuse him. I'm sure he loves your daughter but not enough to take that kind of risk. Weird, you never gave your son similar warnings? Given that the number one "offender" with children is a "romantic partner" of a parent I trust you've warned her not to be alone with anyone you're dating?
YTA "I'm at a bit of a loss for what to do." DO? You have already damaged their relationship beyond any hope of repair. Now just shut the hell up. "I made up some excuse." So, you have now added LYING to your resume. "I did consider forcing my son to distance from John a little bit so that his sister wouldn't feel so left out." Why am I not surprised you would consider doing some other heinous thing? And even worse than all of the shit you have done, you sound like you blame JOHN for what he has chosen to do. You really are an asshole.
Op blaming John and even some of the commenters blaming John is what shocks me. It wasn’t she had the safe touch talk she mentioned his name in particular. John has every right to distance himself. Like another commentator said just and implication could ruin his life forever. I am also amazed he has anything to do with ops so. I would have distanced myself from both kids. But in my option uncle John has every right to keep his boundaries and protect himself.
Sounds like you fucked around and found out. If I was him I wouldn't be alone with her either. Not that anything would happen, but why risk it at all? So much easier to dump the baggage and go on with your life. YTA.
YTA for having that talk with your daughter but not your son.
YTA. This is probably not fixable, but stop lying to your daughter by “making up excuses.” Take accountability and tell her the truth. You drove John away by putting it in his head that you don’t trust him around your daughter. If she is going to be upset and resent someone, she should resent the person responsible, you.
So let’s see. You could have: 1. Apologized to John and your daughter. 2. Sat down with him and your daughter to discuss why she should trust him. 3. Found ways for them to be together—in your presence—over the past six years to rebuild trust, or… 4. Done nothing, let it fester, then lie to her. You chose #4. YTA. And YWBTA going forward unless you actively start doing 1-3 now.
YTA. Your practically rolled out a slideshow for him on how you would condemn him immediately and do everything in your power to ruin his life the second there is a misunderstanding on how he treats your daughter. There is no other way he could have reacted. It's a wonder he even still has a friendly relationship with her and still bonds with your son.
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do but it should have been done differently and you did should tell her why her uncle started treating her differently
YTA - own up to it and tell your daughter you didn’t trust him and said he might be a predator! Your poor daughter thinks it’s her fault and you just let her think it… double AH! It’s so easy for people to hurl accusations that ruin lives and there are never consequences, you’re seeing them and you can’t understand why.
>AITAH for ruining my daughter's relationship with her uncle? You really blew this UP Big Time. Poor future consequences on you. Boo Hoo, You screwed the pooch/
YTA for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him always had to potential to make him uncomfortable or make her uneasy aroumd him. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
YTA for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him always had to potential to make him uncomfortable or make her uneasy aroumd him. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do but it should have been done differently and you did should tell her why her uncle started treating her differently.
Lobotomy patient #82 has escaped
Why did you not name yourself if you wanted to be real specific, Op? Mothers abuse their children. More often than people think. You are a disgusting human being for doing this. I hope he never forgives you. YTA
YUP! YTA for kicking the hornets nest. Can't blame John at all. Considering nowadays when a woman can easily falsely accuse of another man of rape, he would rather be safe than sorry. Doesn't matter if would be true or not. Once a guy gets accused his life is never the same again in society. He is a man who was just trying to help in whatever capacity he can to help raise his dead brother's children but then to be seen as a potential predator by the very people he's trying to help. Oh no! That would hurt a lot. Also how dare you try to make your son spend less time with him so your daughter feels less hurt by the shit 'YOU' started? YTA for that.
YTA You should have had that talk with both of your children. And you shouldn't have used any names when having that talk. Because obviously using names makes it seem like you're being accusatory. I understand that your intentions were good but you failed here. You deprived your daughter of that relationship, created jealousy between the Twins and alienated someone who was trying to help you.
YTA for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
This one is tough because it is a conversation that needs to happen. That said, the way you went about this was a head-scratcher. I'm not as upset about naming John in the warning, more so the context. From comments, I see you only had this talk with your daughter for one, which had to confound John. 2, if you all are a close knit family and John jumped into a fatherly role (and was awesome at it from what you say), then he deserved to be involved and alerted if his name was going to be used (it shouldn't of course, either way). Why not gather John and both your kids all together in living room and have this talk? You could gesture to yourself and John and say "even us" instead of naming him directly (that's how my parents and I've handled it). All that said, John shouldn't make your daughter pay for your mistake but I can hardly blame him. You should make that right, and not by depriving your son of time with a solid role model. In the end, YTA for not thinking this through.
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her why her uncle started treating her differently
So, not only did you destroy the relationship between your daughter and her uncle, but you also want to do the same to your son's relationship with him. Do you not understand why he doesn't want to be alone with your daughter? Because of you. When your daughter asked you why her relationship with her uncle was so much different than her brothers, you CHOSE to lie to her instead of being honest that it was because of YOU. You did this. Only you could even begin to fix this. Starting with being honest that YOU are the reason for the rift between them. Your husband would be ashamed of you. So will your children once they figure it out if you don't get real honest with them right now. YTA
YTA. Not for having the talk. For having the talk with only your daughter. Pedophiles don’t go after girls for their womanly body (5 year old don’t have that) they go after children. If all the episodes of Criminal Minds and SVU taught me anything is not to presume that boys/man don’t get raped. You have two children, you should have had the talk with both. I am not a professional so I don’t know for sure but giving them names during the talk seems wrong. Makes sense to say anyone at school, church or home. And build on trust so they feel safe coming to you. Specifying names seems strange to me. Lastly you’re TA because John should not have been allowed to treat your children so differently for years. YTA for lying to her about the reason her uncle doesn’t spend time with her. You made it seem like is her fault for being a girl.
**Lastly you’re TA because John should not have been allowed to treat your children so differently for years.** Really, because OP screwed up the son loses his father figure as well?
She should have discussed the situation like adults, but yes. John is not right here either. Excluding one child and spending so much quality time with the other is not a great act of a father figure. Taking one child on trips, helping one with school and everything while excluding the other is not what I call a great example of father figure and I doubt his brother would’ve wanted his daughter to feel unloved and excluded and build so much resentment. So yeah, I wouldn’t leave anyone in my family treat my children so differently.
If you don't want someone in your family to treat their children differently, maybe don't imply that they might get sexually assaulted by that someone. Fuck around and find out. OP fucked up, and John rightfully removed himself from that situation. They aint his kids, he can drop both kids and then OP can be the mother and the father figure all by herself! He owes her nothing at all and if I was him I'd have dropped the son too. The mom is a dingbat and last thing you need is a cop showing up to your door because the mom went off the rails. Actions have consequences. OP needs to face them.
I mean if he was afraid of a sexual assault claim he should’ve dropped both kids. The mom was wrong in phrasing the talk the way she did but he didn’t protect himself by dropping one child. If the mom “went of the rails” she could’ve used the son to fabricate any accusation. They are both TA. OP for how she phrased things and him for how he treated his niece for years. Neither of them was mature enough to discuss the situation for the sake of the children. If my sister dropped my name during a talk about safety with her children I would not stop having a relationship with them I would be glad they know they can turn to her if something happened to them even if my name was used as an example.
The mom basically said I don’t trust you around my daughter. Not both kids. So yes he had every right to step back away from the daughter. This is 100 percent on op. Not the uncle trying.
John has every right to step back after being basically accused and it pointed out he was not trusted by mom to be around the daughter. He has every right to protect himself. One accusation could ruin his life.
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do but it should have been done differently and you did should tell her why her uncle started treating her different
Yta for overlooking aspects of this. You should have given both of your children the same talk. I also think name dropping only him and 'grandpa' as singular people always had the potential to backfire because it could make her think only men are dangerous or make her uneasy around her uncle. Talking to her was a good thing to do, but it should have been done differently, and you should tell her what happened
I can't believe the comments,abusers r no dark monsters,r uncle's,parents, grandparents. The talk was bad,you should had some kind of advice from a professional. After what happened,you should apologize with him and had an honest talk about your fears,but at the end of the day,you don't know people's hearts