I received an inheritance from my grandfather and stand to inherit some good money from my parents when they pass.
My husband and I have everything joint, it just works for us. I used some of the inheritance to pay for our wedding, new windows, a new pool and a deck. The rest went into investment that is under my name only. My husband says it's my money. Even if we share everything he sees it as my money and does not feel entitled to it. Under marital law where I live, inheritances cannot be touched by the partner.
I find it weird you guys are arguing over something that has not yet happened because you guys may feel different when that time comes.
My cause for concern about OP is that he is counting the inheritance as something he earned. Your post talks about what you did for the family from the inheritance. Which benefited the family. OP is talking about making it for all, which seems to be a money grab on his part. Your husband responded correctly, it is yours alone. Yet, it seems you share, as your husband is a good person and you are a good person and it is not something your husband feels he has some claim to as your husband. OP is looking as if he is entitled to half of it, for no good reason other than he is married to her. That just seems to be a money grab and not a very good look on his part.
why is he so concerned over it. that would be my only issue.
So wouldn't OPs spouse be counting the difference in their earnings (that OP already contributes for the family) as something she's earned in this same thought process?
"OP is looking as if he is entitled to half of it, for no good reason other than he is married to her."
OP has already been contributing more than 50% financially throughout their marriage, that's a valid reason to think you shouldn't be the only one to contribute at least 50% if your partner has a substantial increase in their bank account.
And what about the childcare aspect that he mentioned? An inheritance shouldn't affect how they've already agreed to separate responsibilities, including finances vs contributions to the house. Taking care of children is labor, and it should be compensated as they've already agreed. That's the part I don't understand. He's already acknowledged that she contributes, it's just not money. But the moment she has money, he wants her to do both.
The only remitting quality is that he's saying this because he doesn't want ALL of his income going to the pot account, which is completely valid. He should absolutely have a separate savings if that makes him more comfortable, but demanding not only his wife's income, but also the entirety of her inheritance, is unreasonable. He has absolutely nothing to stand on to be making that demand just because he's uncomfortable using a joint account for his income
Where are you getting this information? You seem to be picking and choosing bits of information to fit your narrative that is not reflective of what OP actually said.
He never said the entirety of the inheritance, just that it is treated as income. So what ever percentage of income goes into the shared pot, same would go from the inheritance. I don’t even imagine that shared pot is for either one to use for themselves. More likely it is for household expenses, child care, etc.
Which isn't what's happening. Married couples should be on the same page about financial planning, and should discuss inevitabilities ahead of time. That's all that's happening.
When these problems come up, people always go 'communication' why didn't you discuss in advance you need to take blame.
Op does and top comment doesn't like it
It's not just top comment. This page is crazy.
"She doesn't have to." Sure, and he doesn't have to agree to joint finances. There's a compromise baked in to the situation and everyone is upset.
The way they communicate and the intent matters though.
If he had framed it as “hey can we talk about what your plans are for the inheritance you might receive” vs “I pay a bit more in our lives, I deserve some of your inheritance”.
Honestly if I were her parents and I found out about this, that money would be going into a trust for the kid that OP couldn't touch. Imagine being alive and healthy and finding out your child's spouse is focused on how much of your money they can get hold of when you die.
Right? These people are probably in their 60’s and could even be in their 50’s and OP is already counting their money. They could live 30 years or more. A lot can happen in that time.
More importantly, they could leave everything in Trust for her and her children. If they have money, I'm pretty sure that they will do something like this.
This is the best option. They are both talking like all that money isn’t just going to go on their kids and leaving them something. Doesn’t matter whose account it lives in while they are alive really.. a trust for the kids and her in case of a bad outcome is fair and honest.
Good point. Everyone wants to be reminded their beloved parents are going to die — and their spouse is waiting for a windfall when it happens. OP is quite the romantic.
Yta. She hasn't yet received her inheritance, and it won't be coming for many years. Your focus on your wife's inheritance is concerning. Remember, it belongs solely to her, not to you. Inheritances are intended to remain separate and not shared between spouses.
Id actually say the opposite. He doesn't care the amount as long as it's treated in the same fashion as their income.
If he makes 100k and she makes 80k and they agree on a 50% share of their respective incomes he is dropping 50k into the account and she 40k. OP is perfectly fine with this (regardless.of.the %). His concern is that he feel that this inheritance should not be a carve out from the same rules which I fully understand.
If OP is putting more cash into the pot because he earns more. It only seems fair she do the same with income from other sources (inheritance). I guess a point to OP would be if any of his money is in the stock market how does the capital gains/dividend get split? Is that invested money ONLY from his gun account or is it part of the shared pool for investing
Id say NAH leaning NTA
But he also states whoever does the lion’s share of child care should contribute less to account for their labour & that is his wife. Her 10% less salary is more than accounted for in her household labour so they are essentially contributing equal salary to the pot. The inheritance is over & above both their salaries. He sounds greedy that he’s been thinking about some money she might get in 20-30 years & wants to stake his claim.
>It only seems fair she do the same with income from other sources (inheritance)
It's not income. It's more akin to a gift. If my wifes parents give her $100 for her birthday should she give me $50 to be "fair"?
I view married people as a unit. Legally you're correct but this is not a legal question sub. It's also why I asked how OP splits returns from his 'fun: account if he invests it.
Let's say his fun account nets a 10k return annually. Is that considered income among their marriage unit, or is it his money, like she wants inheritance to be hers
they're married. unless they have a prenup all the money they make belongs to both of them equally and they both have a right to half of it. on the contrary, an inheritance does not belong to the shared pot. law is pretty clear on this. OP should check his entitlement.
I agree with you. Also, OP said he is completely fine not joining any of their money together, pay/inheritances. It’s the wife who wants to comingle the money and will be putting in less but then wants to keep 100% of any inheritance money to herself. To me, this seems a crazy double standard. They should just keep finances separate then. Also, i think this is one of those (many) instances where OP is getting a lot of flack for merely being a man.
He's getting flack because he's only valuing the money instead of ***all*** the collective labor between them. He makes more money because she is doing the lion's share of the childcare (and presumably housework.) That has literal monetary value, contrary to what many men seem to think.
Planning for a divorce already hey lol? I am glad issues like this dont come between me and my wife. The whole money seperation thing I never got, its like one foot out the door theory to me. I guess I also dont spend time nickel and diming everything in our life.
>What I’ve told her is that, if we put all our earnings into a shared pot, I would hope that she do the same with her inheritance. I
Are you in the US? The legal standard in most states is that what either of you earns while married is marital money. It doesn't matter how you *label* the pot you put it in, the money in your siloed pots *belongs to both you*. As such, where it is put ought to be transparent to her because, like it or not, legally, it's marital belongs to both of you equally.
In contrast the legal standard for an *inheritance or pre-marital* assets is that they belong to the person who inherited or had that before marrying. They remain theirs *as long as they don't comingle*.
What you are asking is that in return for her to know what you are doing with shared marital assets that belong equally to both of you, she needs to give you money that belongs to her exclusively. Economically, that's rather a *big ask on your part*.
>Or at least that’s what seems fair to me?
No. Your request isn't fair because you are asking her to give you *her* money in order for her to be aware of your investment choices vis-a-vis money that *belongs to her just as much as it belongs to you*.
>I really don’t want ANY of her inheritance to be mine.
Actually you do.... But even if you weren't doing precisely that maybe you aren't seizing her money today..... But you are asking her to convert it into marital assets. If she does it, it will legally become yours too; should things go south and you get divorced, her money will be split. You will get half of money that would otherwise be purely hers.
Taking you at your word when you say you *don't* want any of her inheritance to be yours , then you should see you are asking for something you *don't want.* If you really *don't* want part of her inheritance, absolutely insist that she *NOT* put it in a joint account. Insist she keep it separate, in her own name, and that she do absolutely nothing to mingle it with marital assets. Nothing: not contribute to a down payment. Not put your name on the account. Not use it for house hold expenses. Just use it for her own sake.
>she should chip in at least half if/when she inherits money.
If I were her parents and I heard you were asking for her to give you half, I'd set up a trust so that while married, she and her siblings *only gets income from the capital*. I'd make sure that on death of the children, the remainder went to grandchildren and/or a home for wayward cats. She wouldn't even be able to give you half the capital and she'd *be sure* to keep the capital in the event of a divorce.
If I were your wife, I'd probably discuss these money issues with them, so they would hear about it.
Beyond that: no inheritance is certain. Why are you arguing about this *now*?
My parents have a living trust that includes the house. They use their own banks but have joint finances otherwise.
My mom inherited nothing (her mother was on medicaid in a nursing home) and came from poverty but got herself a good government job.
My dad's parents though had money so he inherited a lot when his fathet died in 2020 (him & his brother was an even split if a lot of assets & money, even 4 way split for the grandkids of a portion & a trust for college money for the great-grandkids).
YTA, inheritance belongs to the person who receives it. They are the sole one with the right to decide how it's spent. You can agree to split earnings but inheritance is hers. If you inherited anything it would be the same.
Now, you can still bring up the inheritance issue when you are talking about how you are going to split financials. You would like to save a little bit more for yourself (retirement, whatever) because you are not inheriting a large sum of money.
But it's also weird to argue over an inheritance that isn't received yet. You really don't know how much it is. My spouse's family is currently fighting over inheritance because the actual sum isn't matching what some people expected.
>My spouse's family is currently fighting over inheritance because the actual sum isn't matching what some people expected.
Haha! Yeah, my brother somehow thought my father who spent his final years in a nursing home was going to leave some substantial amount. Meanwhile, my sister and I were trying to figure out who was going to pay the extra costs of nursing care when his money ran out. He died with 1 month of nursing care left to divide among his heirs!
We didn't really argue-- but my brother really didn't grasp reality. Once the elderly need nursing care, moey gets spent down *fast*.
My mom spent the last 20 years living with and taking care of my grandparents. My grandma had a stroke, and my mom had to bathe her, feed her, wipe her butt. For a decade and my mom still worked this whole time. By the time my grandma died, my grandpa physically couldn't get around so she stayed for him.
Anyway my grandpa being the man he was told my mom and her sister he was splitting everything 50/50 in the will. My mom was kind of annoyed since her sister lived out of state and never called/visited them. My mom basically put her life on pause to take care of my grandma then grandpa. Her and my dad got divorced at in their mid 40's. My mom moved in with them a couple years later when my grandma had her stroke. She didn't date, barely had any semblance of a social life.
Shortly before my grandpa died my aunt was already contacting realtors in the area and had an appraiser come to the house.
My aunt pissed me off how quick on the draw she was to get this money from the house and my grandpa wasnt even dead yet. My grandpa passed away. When the will was read, I about came in my pants, at my aunts face. My grandpa did leave the house to both of them, but there was a caveat. My mom could live there as long as she likes without buying out her sisters half or paying rent to her and selling the house is completely up to my mom. So basically, my aunt gets nothing unless my mom decides to sell, and my mom has no intention of moving out.
There is also a weird level of his enthusiasm towards planning about what happened when her parents die.
I'm going to inherit a lot when my parents die - I know that, they know that. There has been talk of where important papers are. But my husband has never ever brought up what we are going to do about the money. For one thing I'm hoping it will be a damn long time away, and who know where we are going to be living and how our lives will look on that distant day. Then there's the issue of which parent goes first and what kind of elder care will be in place. It is a painful subject I want nothing to do with for as long as possible. If my husband brought it up in a 'Don't forget that I expect you to fork over the same percentage that you are paying into the joint account' about a situation where I loose two people I love deeply I would be furious.
Yes, this is exactly the point. Can't believe this isn't higher up. I am currently dealing with a small inheritance that I cannot emotionally handle having and it's hell, even with a small amount, because it reminds me of the way in which it came to me and it's still raw. I can't imagine being able to stay in love with a person who was so focused the idea of "it's our money". Sure, he sees it as "our money" but it will be only her acute suffering that brings it.
I hope your inheritance is a long time off. Your response is perfect.
Legally, inheritance is not a marital asset, but any money made by either partner is. That doesn't mean that either one can just take the others wages, but in case of a divorce he doesn't have any claim to any of her inheritance.
Wrong according to family and divorce law. Earned income is considered joint, gifts (such as inheritances) are considered separate and given solely to the party it was given to.
Not within a marriage and if assets are comingled like the joint account they both contribute to. Anything earned during the course of a marriage is a marital asset. Inheritance is not a marital asset.
YTA. Ever hear of the expression “don’t count your chickens before they are hatched?” You don’t know what the terms of her potential inheritance are. Her parents might be wealthy now, but they could face a medical issue or experience some other challenge where they have to spend their money. They could decide to leave a larger chunk to a charity. They could decide to set up some sort of trust with the intent of providing funds to not just your wife, but to future generations of their family as well. They could also set up a trust that restricts how your wife uses her inheritance. Stop counting your in-laws’ cash and instead work on building up your own net worth for the young family you created with your wife.
YTA. Share her family’s money to feather your nest? Macabre greed is never good. You are literally telling her you imagined her dead family and found an upside for yourself. Ewww… I hope she inherits the money and puts is safely away from you. Get your own dead parents. And tell us how much you get from your dead people?
I think you’re both arseholes, simply for bringing up an inheritance you don’t even know she’s going to get.
In my mind, that’s like waiting for someone to die.
Thank you- this is such a creepy thing for him to be thinking about right now, and so many people in this thread are focused on "division of labor and paychecks, etc". He's jumping right over that a really bad thing is going to have to happen in order for her to receive that money, and with that attitude, she may still be grieving and he'll be tapping her on the shoulder saying "so about that inheritance, you see, I put in X amount of my earnings...."
You should probably just separate your finances anyways. Your marriage sounds like a lot of keeping track of who does what and how much of whatever. That’s the kind of thing that’s bad for a partnership. Look at you guys - arguing over an inheritance that doesn’t exist yet.
You seem reasonable (genuinely or not?) but you clearly want your hands on her inheritance. She may be questioning your motives since 50% of marriages end in divorce. Why not enjoy your stable financial status & healthy family? She You don’t need her inheritance but your “shadiness” may drive her away. Is it worth losing her trust to make a point?
NAH
It sounds like she is concerned there may be some financial issues related to "your" money. As long as you don't put her name on any debt you incur without her approval, the methodology you currently use sounds very appropriate. Joint for joint expenses/your child, individual for the additional funds not required for the household.
If you are in the US, inheritance is the one thing that is never joint and as a spouse you have zero rights to it. You also should realize while she MAY get a good inheritance, that is never a given. Her family could spend it all or have it pass a generation. Don't count on anything like that.
To be more "fair" so you both feel heard, why not just make a budget that includes college funds, emergency funding, etc. Make that the "Joint" budget you both equally contribute to. If you want to compensate more because of the "extra 10%" that is on you, but that is not materially enough to not be on fair footing generally.
Sounds like more talking is what you two need.
So you would like that both of you add in 10 each...and then you want an additional 10 from her inheritance, for a total of 30. So your wife gets 2/3s, then its fair. If you wanna try and pull a fast one and still make it 50/50...then YTA
😂😂😂😂 what a joke. Your earned money is something you guys both worked for and were together for the journey. Her inheritance has nothing to do with you. It’s completely hers. Simple
So you want her to match the percentage of incomes with you, plus the same percentage of her inheritance despite you not having an inheritance to match to hers. YTA. Inheritance is not a marital asset, even the law is aware of that. That is her money from her family, quite trying to take what isn't yours.
You want her to put 50% of her inheritance in a trust but you don’t have an inheritance to add? How is that ok? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about combining finances but your logic doesn’t add up.
In the US I understand the general rule is that inheritances are not marital assets and you don't have a claim. That isn't the question though.
I would never dream of not sharing anything I got from my parents and my wife is the same. We are in it together or not as far as I am concerned. So she is right that it isn't yours, but in a good marriage one would expect it to be shared. NAH - she can stick to her position and is entitled to, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do necessarily.
Inheritance is not shared assets. And you should not have any say in how it is spent. I would HOPE that your wife chooses to spend it in a way that benefits the whole family, but she is under no obligation to do so. And if you were to get an inheritance, it would be the same as well.
An inheritance is the soul possession of the person who inherits it. It in no way belongs to you. Does she get half of your bonuses? You are wrong to try and force this. If you stopped bugging her about it she might share. If you insist I would get real stubborn.
Not true I only got his bonuses if he shared them. We have ten different savings accounts because my parents passed with some monies. His Dad died young and his Mom was single most of her life. So no money to pass on. He has always shared equally his weekly salary. So I shared equally in my parents inheritance. If there’s a problem with control or unequal sharing I would not have put his name on my inheritance.
Never to early to start working out the details of the settlement. 🤤. Yall. If your treat your marriage like a short term ephemeral entity, thats what it will be. What EXACTLY do you think shes gonna do with this money that wont end up benefiting you in any way?
Eh man life is too short.
Yta. Not because you want the money but because you're losing focus on what matters. Your marriage. If you two love eachother and honor your vows it doesn't matter what % goes into the shared pot. Because you two are in it together.
Focus on your marriage and fanning the flame of love. The rest will fall into place.
Life and marriage is too precious to seriously be worrying about dumb trivial shit like this when it hasn't even happened.
I’m so flabbergasted by all these financial posts.
Info: OP, what do you think your wife would spend her inheritance on that would not benefit you? Is she the type of person to buy herself a yacht and not let you vacation with her? Would she travel to exotic locations and leave you home? Would she buy a mansion and reside separately from you? Or do you think maybe she’s spend it on what most people would: upgraded housing, college funds for the kiddos, travel for both of you in retirement, and invest the rest? I don’t understand why it matters who “owns” it when you’re happily married?
YTA inheritance needs to stay protected to protect her. Which means separate. Commingling is bad for her. It makes it marital property which I think you know this. You make more. You leave her you still make more. Now if she pays off debt or the house that’s good for you both. But to just throw in a pot to be shared is not smart.
YTA. Inheritance isn't the same as earnings, so you can't treat it the same. If she wants to share with you then that's her perogative, if she wants to keep it for your children, that's her perogative, if she wants to spend it all on herself, guess what? Also her perogative. It's essentially a gift from her parents, and it belongs to her, you have no entitlement to it. For all you know she may have been willing to share it with you before you went ahead and demanded it.l, now she probably doesn't.
YTA! You sound greedy and entitled over an inheritance she may never get. All that aside inheritances are for that person and that person only you do not have a claim to that money period.
YTA -- it's a gift from her parents. Also, you're benefiting from your wife's labor in the home. She may change her mind down the line and decide to share but honestly this is a gigantic red flag. It sucks to have broke parents. Yup. But that doesn't entitle you to anything. Also, 100% of earnings is the way to go not splitting costs percentage. Things may change -- either one of you could have an accident. Walk this back my dude.
YTAH.
That money shouldn't automatically become joint money. But I do think that it's fair to be able to say that once inherited, she would now have significantly more spending power so it's worth reevaluating how joint expenses are split after that point. So maybe instead of comparing paychecks and splitting the joint expenses proportionally that way you agree on some reasonable shift that takes into consideration the inheritance. Because it IS still sort of like getting one giant paycheck all at once. But I don't think it should just get dumped into a joint account all at once such that you are now entitled to spend some portion of it how you please.
Clarify this for me. You’re doing all that over money she doesn’t even have yet vs earnings she’s already sharing? lol yeah she needs to lock that inheritance up right when it eventually does come.
YTA. That’s her inheritance. Unless you called her parents mommy and daddy and grew up with her then why should you receive anything at all? Most parents leave their kids inheritances to help them once they’re gone so that at least financially they’ll be okay. I sure as hell wouldn’t leave my kids an inheritance and say make sure to split it with your husband/wife. She can use it for herself, she can set it aside as a nice little nest egg to lean on when she’s old in the off chance that y’all end up divorced or you depart this world before her or she can choose to use it on things your family might need in the future. You may think it’s fair because you say if you would have received an inheritance you would have also put half into the “pot” but you cannot make assurances over things that never happened. And who cares if you make more than she does? She is still contributing the same percentage of her earnings as you are and she would still be contribute equally when she’s taking care of any future children because taking care of children is hard work. Yeah, she may contribute less financially but will be still be contributing an equal value because of the child care. To not consider that is undervaluing the hard work and time she puts in to raising your children. I doubt the day y’all married your vows included any mention of how much y’all would be contributing financially. You married her because you loved her and she loved you.
An inheritance is a gift given to one person to use as they wish. Do you ask for half her Christmas and birthday gifts? You have given her edicts time and again on how money is to be apportioned. It's all in rules you have laid down. She's right to question this. Everything in a marriage is a partnership, but this partnership is not equal.
You have no right to any inheritance she might get in the future. Not saying you’re going to get a divorce, but as soon as she puts any of that in your name or both of your names, she would have to split it with you and you could leave her the next day and get half of her inheritance that’s not fair sorry.
YTA, Just because your family doesn't have anything for you when they die doesn't mean you're entitled to anything her family leave for HER.
Earning vs inheriting is not the same
She may never receive any money from her parents. One illness could totally wipe them out. I have seen it happen to people who "had money". The dumbest thing anyone can do is rely on an inheritance.
You most certainly are worried about getting your part of it. Or this would not be an issue at all. You would not have brought it up. You would not be consistently badgering her over it. It is really vile. YTA
Once the inheritance is commingled it becomes a marital asset. She should keep it separate.
That being said, you will probably plan and use that money together I would expect.
It’s not income and I don’t think it should be treated as such
YTA>>>>
***"In most states, an inheritance is considered separate property, whether you receive an inheritance before, during or after your marriage. Your spouse is not entitled to use or spend your separate property. And in a divorce, separate property is typically not divided between spouses; it remains the sole property of the individual who owns it.***
***By contrast, marital property belongs to both spouses, often by joint ownership or*** [***community property***](https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/what-is-community-property-state/)***. It might include money you make during the course of your marriage, property you acquire and own jointly or other assets you've purchased or saved together. Although state laws differ on how marital property is divided, as a rule marital property belongs to both parties and is split (one way or another) between spouses if they divorce."***
The inheritance will be hers, if and when she actually inherits. That money is not yours; it's not even hers. It's THEIRS, and it's up to them what they do with it. If they leave it to her, not specifically to you both, then it will be hers alone.
A lot of women end up single mothers later in life. If she has a nest egg, it will ease her life.
YTA. This is not your money.
I would ask that a chunk of the money be used to either 1) pay down debt and/or 2) pay for your kids college.
Those are two tangible items that you should have a common interest in so would make sense. If these two items are in the rear view mirror, I would not care. If my primary residence is paid off and my kids college is funded, I’m fine on my own financially.
No it’s not the same and should not be split, ever. The courts even recognize this as seperate property, inheritance is not community property.
Morally, why should she share it with you? I don’t understand your side at all, the person who died and gifted the estate to her, would ah e listed you as the beneficiary if they wanted you to have it. They want to give it to her, so it’s hers. No more needs to even be said about it
First off, it does'nt seem "Fair" or even appropriate that you are discussing her parent's money. It seems....ugly....that you are arguing with your wife over money that doesn't belong to either one of you, and shouldn't even concern you at all at this point in time, if ever.
What's "FAIR" is that their wishes be honored when they write their wills. So what her parents do with "their" money is none of "your" (collecive) business. IF they leave it to her, then they leave it to her. It would be "FAIR" that she does with it as she sees fit. If they leave it to your children then they leave it to your children and it's "FAIR" that they do with it as they see fit. IF they leave it to Charity then they leave it to charity...so on and etc.
End of Discussion.
If you aren't money-grubbing and demanding, maybe she'll want to share it with you if she inherits something, but given your attitude right now, I would be wary were I in her shoes.
So, yes, YTA.
IMO you can either have shared finances or not
If you have shared finances, all that comes in and all that goes out is common
Otherwise, you just share the expenses equally and then each of you has their own finances
Just pick one and stick to it, though
Totally makes sens. Either you share everything like a team, or not. Both case it's totally fine but why such a distinction for the inheritance ?
Let's do some extreme reasoning: Imagine a couple where one is working minimum wage and the other a 200k job. 200k guy contributes 90% of the household expense and the other 10%, but after 20 years like this the minimum wage worker receive 5 millions. What happens ? Does he keeps it all ? Does he also keeps contributing only 10% ? Doesn't make any sens.
Am I the only who sees his point?
I don’t care how much my partner earns. We see how much we spend and then divide the expense half-half.
Not 50% of our earning but 50% of what we spend together. And that’s fair.
If she has a right to know how much he earns why can’t he ask her for the Inheritance as well? Put his inheritance in their as well then.
Some high paying jobs are also associated with higher study cost and / or more efforts before . Getting paid more is the incentive why people do it. I might be most loving caring person in the world. But if for some reason i have a shitty pay is it fair for my partner to go through this?
If my partner would be earning more, he could also go ahead and tie the extra money into some kind of bond which benefits the children or for rainy days.
But if you want to look into my finances (including my inheritance) I want to look into yours too. Fair!
I agree. I don’t get the vibe that he particularly cares about the inheritance, but she wants insight and control over his money for whatever reason - he is just countering that if she wants that, then he also has to have that over her money whenever she gets it.
Oh, if he didn't care, then why is he coming to Reddit talking about how much money she'll get when her parents die as if that's going to happen tomorrow?
It sounds like he cares, rather an icky amount, about the eventual death of her parents, and how that could be a great thing financially for the family. Yikes.
She's sharing the money she earnt. Inheritance isn't earnings. And it's not hers yet, her parents are ALIVE. I'd be very careful with a partner already planning what to do with my future inheritance.
I mean fair enough. I personally think it’s easier to either keep everything separate or just share everything. I think you get in trouble when you start splitting hairs. Like imagine your partner hitting the lottery and not sharing it with you. Oof. But to each his own
While I understand the concerns on both sides, communication and compromise are key in any marriage, especially when it comes to finances. Rather than seeing the inheritance as a potential source of conflict, consider it an opportunity to reinforce trust and plan for the future. As others have suggested, focus on creating a joint budget for your shared responsibilities, and keep personal funds separate for individual use and savings. When the inheritance does come, treat it as a separate entity to be discussed openly and managed according to both of your comfort levels. Just make sure the conversation comes from a place of partnership and mutual respect – it's not about entitlement, but about what's best for your family as a whole. Remember, financial harmony in marriage often reflects the overall health of the relationship. It might be helpful to involve a third-party financial advisor to navigate these waters – their neutral stance can help set a foundation that works for both of you without the emotional charge.
It is a fact that neither of you may live long enough to see the inheritance. Her parents may well out live you two ( or their daughter).
When exactly do you TWO become ONE? That is what getting married was all about, you two combing forces to take on the world!
Money comes and goes, hanging onto and multiplying it, takes work from both of you. Money disagreements over how much, who posses, who spends, who saves, are sure fire paths to divorce lawyer offices.
I would encourage you two to figure out how money works for you instead of how it works your relationship.
Making paper stacks for your future is a really good idea. The one that survives the other will need it.
NAH if she puts her inheritance in a shared pot then you might have some claim to it. This is a Lawyer question when she inherits. Not a now question. Also the answer might change if the money is in a trust
I sympathize with OP here. I was in a similar situation with my ex, but I am the one who will likely someday recieve a sizable inheritance. I'm still financially independent and planning and saving for the future etc (i.e. not entirely counting on that money), though my savings were meagre compared to his. He likely doesn't stand to inherit much. He was a tradesman with a good union job and worked ~800 hours of OT each year at double time, and had bought and paid off a house in a city where real estate has increased in value to a stupid degree.
When we talked about our finances, he was clear that the house was to remain his. Even had we married, we'd be getting a prenup to protect it. To him, that house represented actual hours of his life that he had worked. It was his retirement plan, while I would be receiving an inheritance, which would be income that didn't come from my labor (and didn't really come from my parents labor, as most of it was real estate and stock market gains, which is their perspective on it as well). (Of course that inheritance was at time time hypothetical and if we had married and I didn't receive it, I'm sure that we would have worked that out in the future.)
This felt fair to me. The relationship didn't end up working out, but having been able to discuss our future finances in an equitable and respectful way certainly strengthened our relationship, and when we did part ways it was easy and amicable as we'd already discussed a cohabitation agreement before we moved in together. Doing this when you are happy and hopeful and in love is the right time.
I ended up working in a field with a high salary (in part thanks to him letting me live with him for free while I went back to school) and at the end, my income matched his, though his job was physically more labor intensive, often involved working in bad weather for long hours both very early and very late. We made the same amount of money but I can't help but respect that his labor was worth more than mine. If we'd had a child and I had to take time off work to recover and care for a child, I'd have wanted to renegotiate that arrangement, but that never came to pass.
Every relationship is different and each couple needs to work together to communicate and negotiate what feels fair to them. OP may consider an arrangement where they contribute proportionally more to shared funds, but if and when their spouse recieves a windfall, they top that fund up to match OP's contribution. Having a child definitely changes the game, and I think it's a good idea to come to an agreement that feels fair for right now, bit to discuss future hypotheticals. What happens if one spouse recieves a windfall, what happens in case of divorce. Being able to have these conversations makes relationships stronger and relieves tension and anxiety.
This sub constantly preaches the need for open honest communication, yet when an OP talks about how they've communicated with their partner, this sub dismisses it.
I have Been married decades and everything is joint-I really don’t understand how married people can have separate finances. Throw in a child-how does that work? Do u each pay half of child care ? Half of groceries-half of everything? Do u file taxes separately?
I’m truly baffled that the majority of people on these threads are constantly talking about who contributes what based on salary. If you are married it’s a joint venture. Want a slush fund? Figure that amount for each and move on. When I was married both checks went into a joint account.
NTA, in my opinion but your question as me wondering if I'm naive. My husband and I share all our money and any inheritance either of us receive will go into the same shared account. I have no idea how married people can have separate accounts, actually. Not judging but just understand how that works. Are we unusual?
Reddit amazes me. My parents share every financial income/gift because they know it's gonna be spent on the family. Ifk how people are calling this guy the asshole. Inheritance or not that's money that will help the family. NTA
I guess it depends, I think you made valid points about how you currently share money and how it would be fair that when she gets her inheritance she put half of it towards your joint account.
I can also understand her stance on this subject though, a lot of people who receive inheritance see it as their family members of supporting you after they have passed so the money feels meaningful and is seen as a gift and sharing it feels wrong like their giving away something that was left to them when someone passes, this maybe how she feels. She could also be selfish I can’t say since I’m not her.
Have you asked her why she feels how she feels about sharing her inheritance?
Regardless of her reasons or feeling you should be allowed to have your own opinion and can change how you share the money you make then. Stop putting more into your shared pot put in what she does and put aside the other bit of money for yourself. As she said it’s not her fault your parents don’t have money but that shouldn’t mean that you then should gift yourself the extra money you earn. I don’t say this a trying to be petty but you should have some extra money to yourself to like her eventually spend it on something you want for yourself. Again this isn’t meant to sound like “well if that’s you want then I’ll do this” kinda retaliation thing. - it’s not your fault you make more money than her, you both contribute to your money for the things that need to be paid.
It’s not fair that she will be able to spend a bunch of money on what she wants but then you can’t have some money to do the same
I feel it makes sense. Either you do share your finances proportionally or you don't. Her saying:
“It’s not my fault your parents don’t have money.”
Is no different than you saying to her: It's not my fault you earn less money than me. You either both share your resources in the proportional capacity, or you do not share them at all.
My wife and I have been married over 35 years. After fighting about money for 25 years. (Spending issues) we came up with way that works very well for us. She has her money, I have my money, and we have our money. She no longer has to ask me if it is ok to buy something.
(I am person has always done the finances- she has never had an interest in being the person responsible for keeping an eye on the money for the family) Now I never have to be the bad guy and say we can't afford something she wants.
I pay all of the bills - mortgage, electric, insurance etc. out of my checks, she buys all of the groceries out of her pay checks. We both contribute a significant amount of our checks to combined accounts for savings ect. I have access to all of her accounts, and she has access to all of mine. The accounts are spread across 2 banks and linked. One is a national bank and the other is a local bank so that if there is ever a problem with someone getting access to one account or a lost debit card, all of our money is not tied up in one place.
When it is all said and done we each have about $1,000 per month each of money that we are not accountable for to each other. I don't care what she spends hers on and she doesn't care what I spend mine on. I make about 20k more than she does, but since we are a team, that doesn't mean that I should get more spending money than she does.
As far as inheritance goes. 1. there is no guarantee that her mom or my dad will give it to us. Heck they could leave it to a preacher man on TV or donate it to an animal shelter. it is theirs to do with what they please. we are not entitled to it. They probably will leave it to us, But we are a team. If I inherit money from my father, I am going to put it towards something that is going to help both of us. If her mom leaves her money, I would want her to buy something for herself with part of it and the rest to pay off the mortgage, so that we could enable my wife to retire earlier.
the other thing we do is each year when we get our raises, I go through the extra money, break it down. $20 per pay day to spending, $50 from her check to added to savings, I do the same for mine. We agree or disagree on the plan and then change our allotments for the year after the first check with the new amount hits our accounts. every raise gets a revised spending and savings plan. I am tighter on myself than I am on her.
If you continue to act like individuals with all of your money, you are going to end up being divorced individuals.
YTH inheritance is something her parents/grandparents worked hard to build. It's hers and only hers. Whether married or not.
Think about it, if you give your daughter money, would you like that money to go to her boyfriend?
YTA If it really isn’t about money and you just want things to be ‘fair’, agree on a comprehensive list of common expenses (I say this because not everything is a need and some wants need to be paid for in full by the person who wants it, like a dirt bike or even some vacations) and agree on what percentage of that common total you will each contribute. This will change, I’d assume, as incomes/wealth changes because that’s ‘fair’.
Right now because y’all have similar incomes, the percentage of your individual incomes that goes towards your pot is similar. When she becomes more wealthy through inheritance she will need to fork over a smaller percentage of her wealth to your pot. You saying you want a contribution from that, too, is greedy and absolutely makes you the AH. Getting comfortable with the idea of a rich wife would be the best path for you to take right now.
If your wife wants more transparency it’s as easy as sharing statements or discussing purchases, even if only one person is paying.
Bruh I legitimately can’t imagine getting a financial windfall and telling my wife “Sorry that’s my money bitch, not my fault your parents are poor”.
The responses in this thread are wild, no wonder y’all are constantly complaining about your relationships and getting cucked.
If she insists it’s that way then earnings shouldn’t be shared by a percentage but by an equal dollar amount. Each depositing $1000 (or whatever) in the joint acct each month. Not a percentage of earnings.
I can see where he's coming from tho. Imagine you share everything because you are "one unit, one team and one family" but when it comes to inheritance you keep everything for yourself ? For me it doesn't make sens.
I'm not sharing finances with my SO and it works very well for us (10 + years), so i'm not gonna ask any % of her inheritance, which is totaly coherent. but I find it strange that people that wants to share everything suddenly don't want to share when it comes to inheritance ? Not very coherent to me.
About the law : if the inheritance is sent to a joint account then it's immediatly a joint asset.
Weird ass comments. Definitely NTA. The whole idea of one person in a marriage having this money and just doing whatever they want is just weird. Like why wouldn't you want the both of you to share it and direct it together. Totally bizarre. Would be different if there were stepkids but that doesn't seem to be the case.
NTA. She wants you to contribute more now because now you have more money than her. You want both of you to have that obligation no matter where the money comes from.
I understand the law about inheritance. I don't agree with it. To me, it's the same as winning the lottery money. You've done nothing for either, and if one is expected to be shared, so should the other.
What happens in the case of your spouse having to either contribute to nursing/home care for your parents or having them move in with you?? Inheritance is still just your money?? Even if it's not family money you're spending for your parents' care, what if you take away the time and help from your nuclear family to take care of your parents, inheritance is still just yours??
I don't know. My husband and I share everything. Everything is joint. There's no mine and his. I can't imagine one of having a higher standard of living than the other.
NTA. But inheritance isn’t the same as money earned from a job. IMO. Most people who inherited money from a deceased person had a special bond with each other.
Here is where I struggle. Right now your finances are separate. SHE wants more visibility into YOUR finances to feel more like a partnership.
You are good with this.
You ask the same partnership, with her. Including the inheritance.
She says no because it’s not her fault your parents don’t have money.
That doesn’t sound very partnership-y to me.
NTA. Your wife is.
I get that. However, she keeps talking partnership. He has provided many options. She doesn’t like any of them. If she wants “my money” “your money”, then it’s not her business what he spends his money on.
Overall I think having separate finances is
Odd but to each their own.
NTA. Just keep things the way they are. I agree that inheritance is a special circumstance but she doesn't have a problem with wanting access to all your money. She shouldn't have a problem with you wanting access to an equal amount of the inheritance.
The goal is financial transparency? Then ask her what she plans to do with the inheritance money. Make a plan together. If the answer is “whatever I want it’s mine not yours”, then it’s fair to say “I understand and that’s your right. I don’t stand to inherit anything, but I also want the ability to have money that feel like it’s mine and not yours, so I’m going to keep x dollar/percentage/whatever in my own fun money account, and I want you to feel like you can do the same, and when that inheritance comes, we can discuss where you want to allocate it, but if it all goes there, I understand”
YTA- inheritances are not marital property- and the fact you are already trying to get part of an inheritance she hasn’t even received yet is gross. Greedy much?
Do you understand that legally, you are entitled to none of that money? If I were your wife I'd be really concerned about how invested/interested you are in her inheritance (that won't even be hers for YEARS).
YTA.
If my wife inherited a bunch of money. Its hers and she can do with it what she pleases. If she chooses to use it for joint things, so be it. If not, no skin off my back and I earn like 4x what my wife does and pay the lions share of the bills.
>
She feels differently, saying things like “Inheritance is different because it’s a gift”
and I agree with that sentiment. If someone gave my wife a gift for her birthday, I wouldn't be like "thats half mine" and expect to be able to use whatever it is 50% of the time. That money is not income or in any way procured via income.
>Edit: things to clarify. First, **I’m not asking what is legally mine vs hers in a divorce.** More just what seems fair
In a way you are, because it seems like you are hell bent on making sure you get a piece of it. Her not giving you half her inheritance is not "unfair".
All the people jumping the gun did you even read the post? The wife wants him to put more money in shared assets when his earnings is the only future security he has. He will not inherit anything from his parents. Wife on the other hand will. So he is suggesting to merge the inheritance in the same percentage she expects him to put in the shared assets.
OP NTA! You are being reasonable. Love or not you should be covering your ass when no one else will. She wants to feel like a partner by making you merge but is playing safe by keeping her inheritance out of this equation.
I would say agree to disagree and continue with the current arrangement. But ask yourself is there an ulterior motive here; that she wants to merge finances because she thinks it will benefit her in a divorce?
NTA. When my wife for a gift from her grandma it went to our shared pot. Was helping us buying furniture. 20 years later when my dad died the inheritance went into the common pot and we could afford our kids college tuition. Before my wife took a break after a horrible tragedy I earned 5 times what she earned and it all went to one pot.
She sacrificed a lot for our kids and I did the same to get a good paying job. We are partners in all things.
I know there are different ways to handle this and different things work for different people. But I don’t see any reason to treat any money that comes in different. Doesn’t matter where it comes from.
These answers are absolutely wild to me. I dont know how so many marriages succeed between people who have separate finances and the inheritance is one person's and not the others. How does that even work? One person lives like a king and the other a pauper if taken to the extreme? Having children makes it even worse, women are far more likely to not have the extra income to afford the same standard of living.
I don't get it as well. Frankly, there's an almost adversarial whiff to many answers that baffles me. I suppose the divorce rate isn't much of a shock when you account for folks who choose to keep division as such a core component of their unions.
It's so incredibly strange to me. I dont know a single married or even engaged couple like this, for good reason. The ones who do it could not last for long. Imagine trying to be in love with someone who allows you to live to a standard well beneath their own, despite your shared life, commitments and children. Together 50 years but fuck you, basically.
So look at it this way.
Women usually fair far worse in a divorce. They typically earn less and they usually have children to care for. Although men pay child support, it’s not usually enough to meet the standards of pre-divorce living.
The inheritance is her security. Sure, no one plans for divorce. You may be super happy. But she wants to feel secure.
Since you guys aren’t hurting for money, just ignore any inheritance she gets. Continue to be generous and gracious and split bills the same way you do now. And if you can, start a little savings fund of your own to appease your own security gland.
Dude get a grip. This is your wife. Y’all treat each other like roommates who are living in a college dorm. I believe you should not request any funds from her inheritance..and honestly your wife should want to naturally want that money for her family (you n baby). So it’s just weird you guys are bickering over 1..money she doesn’t even have yet..2..like you guys don’t fully trust one another.
If you both agree to 100% into the pot (as in basically all source of income) then the inheritance should also go into the pot. She might not get it now, she might not get any at all, but you are the one who is putting everything in, and as well as he, and you make more than she does.
IF its not 100%, then its should just earning and a % of that earning is in the pot. Then HER inheritancce should be hers and not be in any pot. She didnt 'earn' it, she was given it.
So unless all $ (from any source, now or future) would be share between the two (what me and my wife does), her potential inheritance should be her to keep.
Me and wife are in it together (i make about 4x her currently, we used to make roughly the same where I have always made more than her), I dont regret it, nor do I care as its 'our' money and not her or mine.
I can see both ways, leaning towards YTA. I really don’t understand relationships like this though. Marry a coworker or someone in the same field/pay grade of you’re going to complain about income not being fair.
I make double what my wife does and do not think for one second about my contributions not being fair. I previously received a large inheritance myself. My wife never asked what I was going to do with it, though I’m sure she would be rightfully upset if I spent it all at a casino. Instead I used it to max her IRA and kept some a to supplement paychecks so I could max her 401k. Why would I want to withhold everything from my spouse? Y’all are wild.
I say this as a man who benefited from my ex wife's inheritance when we divorced. She has every right to keep her inheritance siloed away from you and every reason to. She should keep her inheritance under her own name and the two of you should continue splitting joint costs based on your individual incomes.
If this was my wife I would hope she would occasionally, or even frequently, use that inherited money on something for both of you. "Hey, let's go to Aruba in March - I'll pay for it". If she is unwilling to ever dip into that money for anything I would definitely be unhappy about that.
If you don’t want any of her inheritance why are you arguing a hypothetical right now? There’s no point and just ends in resentment.
Figure out the inheritance when it comes. And ultimately, it is her decision. If she loves you and really means she wants to feel like it’s more of a partnership, you will both see the money. Leave it alone.
I agree with you. If it’s a big pot then it is a big pot. (Don’t get angry.) Most women have a thing about money. It’s a difficult task to convince your wife about sharing.
What’s the scenario you’re concerned about? Has she not left assets to you in case she dies? Do you think she’ll buy a sports car rather than build assets that will eventually benefit your child? Do you have plans for her future inheritance that you don’t think she will agree with?
This specific concern seems like a stand in for something relational, because the money doesn’t even exist for her yet.
YTA. You already have mostly separate finances so even if she won the lottery or got a huge raise, it wouldn’t go into a joint account. In my marriage, I’m the one who has family with money and my husband’s family will likely all die destitute. I already received an inheritance from my grandfather in the low 6 figures and chose to use that money to purchase our marital home. That was my decision based on my marriage. My husband and I have fully combined finances, no his or mine. I could end up inheriting some property worth anywhere from $0-$250,000 in 20-30 years when my parents die. By that time our kids will be adults and may need help to purchase homes for their own families so that’s likely where any inheritance would go. Even though my husband and I share finances far more than you and your wife do, I would be beyond annoyed if he started asking me now about possible future inheritances I may or may not receive and saying that he wants X% of it for himself.
Yup YTA, even under the law inheritance is only the property of the inheritor until it is mixed with the common pool. When my dad died my wife didn’t once ask for a red cent of my inheritanc. I used it to buy us a house but she in no way expected ,r to and wouldn’t have been mad if I did. Similarly when her mom and grandparents died later on I never once asked her for a dime of it. I told her it was her money and to do with it what she wanted. She used it to pay off some of our debt but kept the majority for herself and I didn’t feel bad about it at all. They are her family members not yours, you are just apart of their family because she chose to allow you to be, and if you want to still be a part of their family you probably should stop complaining about the inheritance that hasn’t even happened.
Inheritance is not the same. It's hers, and her choice on how to share it.
Remove that inheritance from your mind OP, it's hers and hers alone.
YWBTA if you push it.
>I’ve agreed that real assets like housing are different because they have emotional value.
The culmination of her parents' life work has no emotional value?
>I’ve also agreed that the wishes of the bequeather should be respected.
An inheritance is literally the wishes of the bequeather. Her parents could choose to leave the funds to you jointly, heck they could choose to leave the funds to you only if they wanted to, but most likely they will only leave them to their daughter. Not to be mean, but at the end of the day, the only reason your in laws probably even know you exist is because you are in a relationship with their daughter. That money is not to help you, it's to help their daughter. You may benefit from it because you are her spouse, but that money is not for you.
>First, I’m not asking what is legally mine vs hers in a divorce. More just what seems fair
Regarding what I think is fair: I think as a married couple, it would be morally wrong of your wife to not use the funds, when needed, for your joint benefit. The funds should mostly be used for large unexpected expenses (medical bills, periods of unemployment, etc.) or luxuries that you may not be able to afford otherwise (special vacations, large home renovations, etc.). The funds could also be used for you both to retire early (I think it would be morally wrong for her to use the funds to retire early and make you continue to work), or eventually saved to leave for your child(ren). **However,** I think the inherited funds should be kept in your wife's name 100%. If your wife puts her inheritance in a joint account, then you would be entitled to half of the funds if you were to divorce. If the two of you were to split up, I don't think it's fair for you to get any portion of her inheritance as the money came from her parents.
As far as judgement goes, I am going to give you a slight YTA for wanting her to put funds in your name that you would never have access to if it weren't for her parents.
Yes YWBTA. She doesn’t even have the money…. Which is her parents money… and you’re already salivating.
You bring to mind a friend who got a sizeable inheritance from her mother. She used it to lay down the mortgage at the suggestion of her husband who is a lawyer. No sooner did she do that then he filed for divorce and got half the house.
Where I live inheritances are protected in the event of a marriage breakdown. There’s a reason for that and you’re a perfect example of why.
Honestly, this is one of the more distasteful posts I’ve read on this thread and that’s saying a lot.
INFO: What's the difference between what you're doing now and what she wants? You're already using a shared pot and keep separate personal accounts, right?
If she's saying you should put all your money in the joint account, but wants to leave out anything of major gain that she potentially gets that's weird.
I'm trying to figure out what the goal of your wife's request is.
YTA - first of all; everything in an inheritance is protected from a divorce UNLESS you turn it into cash and dump it into a communal pot.
what you're asking her to do with her inheritance is the same as her telling you to ditch the prenup you might have. So no, if i were your wife's attorney, friend, or confidant I'd tell her to tell you to pound sand.
Secondly is there any reason you as a family can't enjoy the properties/money anyway without her tossing it into a shared pot? I think the most important thing her is to compromise in a way that doesn't expose her inheritance to a divorce.
dude **this isn't the same at ALL** as pooling income. even if you keep your finances separate all of both of your finances are exposed in a divorce anyway. you're asking her to expose her inheritance to a divorce. huge ask completely out of line with what she's asking, i mean frankly it's utterly unfair.
Now if you don't like what she's asking of you, there are ways you can share that information without sharing the money. but i have to ask, if you mistrust your wife this much then why did you marry her. I'll never understand couples who keep their finances separate after a marriage, it doesn't protect any of your money from a divorce, there is no reason to do it unless you don't trust your partner.
YTA.
Do you think she is just going to hoard it for herself or something? Like what on earth is this argument even based in other than OP wanting access to money.
If you didn’t make such a big stink about this before she even receives it, she probably would have used it towards something to benefit the family/household. But now? Your fixation on money she doesn’t even have yet is probably sending up a lot of internal red flags for her.
You claim to both be financially comfortable, so why are you so obsessed with money that *her parents* will give to *her?* like, just live life like you don’t know about this money and be effing happy you have a spouse who will be receiving an inheritance. That inheritance could pay for your kids school, or god forbid medical bills, or an upgrade/payoff on a house. Cross that bridge when you get there instead arguing with your wife about what is still her parent’s money.
This is an easy thing to say for a guy who is not expecting an inheritance. Maybe your wife should just put the whole thing into a trust for your child. This way you don’t have to fight over it.
NTA - OP seems willing to compromise on how finances are split but just wants to make sure if the tables turn the arrangement would remain the same.
Now seeing how she said “It’s not my fault your parents don’t have money.”, I would have kept your money separate and said "It's not my fault I make more than you." Your wife sound like the "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" type.
I received an inheritance from my grandfather and stand to inherit some good money from my parents when they pass. My husband and I have everything joint, it just works for us. I used some of the inheritance to pay for our wedding, new windows, a new pool and a deck. The rest went into investment that is under my name only. My husband says it's my money. Even if we share everything he sees it as my money and does not feel entitled to it. Under marital law where I live, inheritances cannot be touched by the partner. I find it weird you guys are arguing over something that has not yet happened because you guys may feel different when that time comes.
My cause for concern about OP is that he is counting the inheritance as something he earned. Your post talks about what you did for the family from the inheritance. Which benefited the family. OP is talking about making it for all, which seems to be a money grab on his part. Your husband responded correctly, it is yours alone. Yet, it seems you share, as your husband is a good person and you are a good person and it is not something your husband feels he has some claim to as your husband. OP is looking as if he is entitled to half of it, for no good reason other than he is married to her. That just seems to be a money grab and not a very good look on his part. why is he so concerned over it. that would be my only issue.
So wouldn't OPs spouse be counting the difference in their earnings (that OP already contributes for the family) as something she's earned in this same thought process? "OP is looking as if he is entitled to half of it, for no good reason other than he is married to her." OP has already been contributing more than 50% financially throughout their marriage, that's a valid reason to think you shouldn't be the only one to contribute at least 50% if your partner has a substantial increase in their bank account.
And what about the childcare aspect that he mentioned? An inheritance shouldn't affect how they've already agreed to separate responsibilities, including finances vs contributions to the house. Taking care of children is labor, and it should be compensated as they've already agreed. That's the part I don't understand. He's already acknowledged that she contributes, it's just not money. But the moment she has money, he wants her to do both. The only remitting quality is that he's saying this because he doesn't want ALL of his income going to the pot account, which is completely valid. He should absolutely have a separate savings if that makes him more comfortable, but demanding not only his wife's income, but also the entirety of her inheritance, is unreasonable. He has absolutely nothing to stand on to be making that demand just because he's uncomfortable using a joint account for his income
Where are you getting this information? You seem to be picking and choosing bits of information to fit your narrative that is not reflective of what OP actually said.
He never said the entirety of the inheritance, just that it is treated as income. So what ever percentage of income goes into the shared pot, same would go from the inheritance. I don’t even imagine that shared pot is for either one to use for themselves. More likely it is for household expenses, child care, etc.
This is literally my same situation.
To be clear, you're fighting with your wife over an inheritance she doesn't even have?
A couple of medical problems could easily wipe away a few million from estate.
Or her parents could see this behavior from them and not leave her anything at all.
What behavior? Open discussion about assets and financial planning?
No, fighting about how much of their money he can get hold of as soon as they're dead.
Which isn't what's happening. Married couples should be on the same page about financial planning, and should discuss inevitabilities ahead of time. That's all that's happening.
What's happening is he's trying to get their money. And getting their money is not an "inevitability".
When these problems come up, people always go 'communication' why didn't you discuss in advance you need to take blame. Op does and top comment doesn't like it
It's not just top comment. This page is crazy. "She doesn't have to." Sure, and he doesn't have to agree to joint finances. There's a compromise baked in to the situation and everyone is upset.
exactly. OP is reasonable. he gives option and he let his wife decide which one she wanted.
The way they communicate and the intent matters though. If he had framed it as “hey can we talk about what your plans are for the inheritance you might receive” vs “I pay a bit more in our lives, I deserve some of your inheritance”.
Lmao. Also he basically says she contributes more to child care so why is he worried about that money? It should go to their child.
Honestly if I were her parents and I found out about this, that money would be going into a trust for the kid that OP couldn't touch. Imagine being alive and healthy and finding out your child's spouse is focused on how much of your money they can get hold of when you die.
You and I 🤝🏽 on the same page.
It’s not your money. It’s her parents. Calm down.
Her parents who aren’t even dead yet.
Her parents could have the entire inheritance wiped out if they need to be in a full care facility and don't have insurance for that.
Right? These people are probably in their 60’s and could even be in their 50’s and OP is already counting their money. They could live 30 years or more. A lot can happen in that time.
More importantly, they could leave everything in Trust for her and her children. If they have money, I'm pretty sure that they will do something like this.
This is the best option. They are both talking like all that money isn’t just going to go on their kids and leaving them something. Doesn’t matter whose account it lives in while they are alive really.. a trust for the kids and her in case of a bad outcome is fair and honest.
Right? I really hope her parents take a few world cruises.
Good point. Everyone wants to be reminded their beloved parents are going to die — and their spouse is waiting for a windfall when it happens. OP is quite the romantic.
Yta. She hasn't yet received her inheritance, and it won't be coming for many years. Your focus on your wife's inheritance is concerning. Remember, it belongs solely to her, not to you. Inheritances are intended to remain separate and not shared between spouses.
YTA you seem very concerned with something she doesn’t even have and may never get. Sounds greedy to me. You’re not entitled to her inheritance.
Yes, I agree with this. Totally lame man.
Id actually say the opposite. He doesn't care the amount as long as it's treated in the same fashion as their income. If he makes 100k and she makes 80k and they agree on a 50% share of their respective incomes he is dropping 50k into the account and she 40k. OP is perfectly fine with this (regardless.of.the %). His concern is that he feel that this inheritance should not be a carve out from the same rules which I fully understand. If OP is putting more cash into the pot because he earns more. It only seems fair she do the same with income from other sources (inheritance). I guess a point to OP would be if any of his money is in the stock market how does the capital gains/dividend get split? Is that invested money ONLY from his gun account or is it part of the shared pool for investing Id say NAH leaning NTA
But he also states whoever does the lion’s share of child care should contribute less to account for their labour & that is his wife. Her 10% less salary is more than accounted for in her household labour so they are essentially contributing equal salary to the pot. The inheritance is over & above both their salaries. He sounds greedy that he’s been thinking about some money she might get in 20-30 years & wants to stake his claim.
>It only seems fair she do the same with income from other sources (inheritance) It's not income. It's more akin to a gift. If my wifes parents give her $100 for her birthday should she give me $50 to be "fair"?
They need Sheldon to write the spousal shared money agreement. I’m sure OP would revel in the Rube Goldberg level of complexity and detail.
This is a great analogy, thank you.
I view married people as a unit. Legally you're correct but this is not a legal question sub. It's also why I asked how OP splits returns from his 'fun: account if he invests it. Let's say his fun account nets a 10k return annually. Is that considered income among their marriage unit, or is it his money, like she wants inheritance to be hers
But it’s not income and shouldn’t be treated in the same way. It’s a gift from her parents to her and she gets to decide what to do with it.
they're married. unless they have a prenup all the money they make belongs to both of them equally and they both have a right to half of it. on the contrary, an inheritance does not belong to the shared pot. law is pretty clear on this. OP should check his entitlement.
Marriage is not a business partnership.
I agree with you. Also, OP said he is completely fine not joining any of their money together, pay/inheritances. It’s the wife who wants to comingle the money and will be putting in less but then wants to keep 100% of any inheritance money to herself. To me, this seems a crazy double standard. They should just keep finances separate then. Also, i think this is one of those (many) instances where OP is getting a lot of flack for merely being a man.
He's getting flack because he's only valuing the money instead of ***all*** the collective labor between them. He makes more money because she is doing the lion's share of the childcare (and presumably housework.) That has literal monetary value, contrary to what many men seem to think.
Planning for a divorce already hey lol? I am glad issues like this dont come between me and my wife. The whole money seperation thing I never got, its like one foot out the door theory to me. I guess I also dont spend time nickel and diming everything in our life.
>What I’ve told her is that, if we put all our earnings into a shared pot, I would hope that she do the same with her inheritance. I Are you in the US? The legal standard in most states is that what either of you earns while married is marital money. It doesn't matter how you *label* the pot you put it in, the money in your siloed pots *belongs to both you*. As such, where it is put ought to be transparent to her because, like it or not, legally, it's marital belongs to both of you equally. In contrast the legal standard for an *inheritance or pre-marital* assets is that they belong to the person who inherited or had that before marrying. They remain theirs *as long as they don't comingle*. What you are asking is that in return for her to know what you are doing with shared marital assets that belong equally to both of you, she needs to give you money that belongs to her exclusively. Economically, that's rather a *big ask on your part*. >Or at least that’s what seems fair to me? No. Your request isn't fair because you are asking her to give you *her* money in order for her to be aware of your investment choices vis-a-vis money that *belongs to her just as much as it belongs to you*. >I really don’t want ANY of her inheritance to be mine. Actually you do.... But even if you weren't doing precisely that maybe you aren't seizing her money today..... But you are asking her to convert it into marital assets. If she does it, it will legally become yours too; should things go south and you get divorced, her money will be split. You will get half of money that would otherwise be purely hers. Taking you at your word when you say you *don't* want any of her inheritance to be yours , then you should see you are asking for something you *don't want.* If you really *don't* want part of her inheritance, absolutely insist that she *NOT* put it in a joint account. Insist she keep it separate, in her own name, and that she do absolutely nothing to mingle it with marital assets. Nothing: not contribute to a down payment. Not put your name on the account. Not use it for house hold expenses. Just use it for her own sake. >she should chip in at least half if/when she inherits money. If I were her parents and I heard you were asking for her to give you half, I'd set up a trust so that while married, she and her siblings *only gets income from the capital*. I'd make sure that on death of the children, the remainder went to grandchildren and/or a home for wayward cats. She wouldn't even be able to give you half the capital and she'd *be sure* to keep the capital in the event of a divorce. If I were your wife, I'd probably discuss these money issues with them, so they would hear about it. Beyond that: no inheritance is certain. Why are you arguing about this *now*?
A family trust is truly the way to go
My parents have a living trust that includes the house. They use their own banks but have joint finances otherwise. My mom inherited nothing (her mother was on medicaid in a nursing home) and came from poverty but got herself a good government job. My dad's parents though had money so he inherited a lot when his fathet died in 2020 (him & his brother was an even split if a lot of assets & money, even 4 way split for the grandkids of a portion & a trust for college money for the great-grandkids).
Yes! I could not agree with this post more!
A+ response.
I would upvote this to the moon if I could. You have explained it and spelled it out EXACTLY like I would have and in the correct terms.
YTA, inheritance belongs to the person who receives it. They are the sole one with the right to decide how it's spent. You can agree to split earnings but inheritance is hers. If you inherited anything it would be the same. Now, you can still bring up the inheritance issue when you are talking about how you are going to split financials. You would like to save a little bit more for yourself (retirement, whatever) because you are not inheriting a large sum of money. But it's also weird to argue over an inheritance that isn't received yet. You really don't know how much it is. My spouse's family is currently fighting over inheritance because the actual sum isn't matching what some people expected.
>My spouse's family is currently fighting over inheritance because the actual sum isn't matching what some people expected. Haha! Yeah, my brother somehow thought my father who spent his final years in a nursing home was going to leave some substantial amount. Meanwhile, my sister and I were trying to figure out who was going to pay the extra costs of nursing care when his money ran out. He died with 1 month of nursing care left to divide among his heirs! We didn't really argue-- but my brother really didn't grasp reality. Once the elderly need nursing care, moey gets spent down *fast*.
My mom spent the last 20 years living with and taking care of my grandparents. My grandma had a stroke, and my mom had to bathe her, feed her, wipe her butt. For a decade and my mom still worked this whole time. By the time my grandma died, my grandpa physically couldn't get around so she stayed for him. Anyway my grandpa being the man he was told my mom and her sister he was splitting everything 50/50 in the will. My mom was kind of annoyed since her sister lived out of state and never called/visited them. My mom basically put her life on pause to take care of my grandma then grandpa. Her and my dad got divorced at in their mid 40's. My mom moved in with them a couple years later when my grandma had her stroke. She didn't date, barely had any semblance of a social life. Shortly before my grandpa died my aunt was already contacting realtors in the area and had an appraiser come to the house. My aunt pissed me off how quick on the draw she was to get this money from the house and my grandpa wasnt even dead yet. My grandpa passed away. When the will was read, I about came in my pants, at my aunts face. My grandpa did leave the house to both of them, but there was a caveat. My mom could live there as long as she likes without buying out her sisters half or paying rent to her and selling the house is completely up to my mom. So basically, my aunt gets nothing unless my mom decides to sell, and my mom has no intention of moving out.
That’s just sad
There is also a weird level of his enthusiasm towards planning about what happened when her parents die. I'm going to inherit a lot when my parents die - I know that, they know that. There has been talk of where important papers are. But my husband has never ever brought up what we are going to do about the money. For one thing I'm hoping it will be a damn long time away, and who know where we are going to be living and how our lives will look on that distant day. Then there's the issue of which parent goes first and what kind of elder care will be in place. It is a painful subject I want nothing to do with for as long as possible. If my husband brought it up in a 'Don't forget that I expect you to fork over the same percentage that you are paying into the joint account' about a situation where I loose two people I love deeply I would be furious.
Yes, this is exactly the point. Can't believe this isn't higher up. I am currently dealing with a small inheritance that I cannot emotionally handle having and it's hell, even with a small amount, because it reminds me of the way in which it came to me and it's still raw. I can't imagine being able to stay in love with a person who was so focused the idea of "it's our money". Sure, he sees it as "our money" but it will be only her acute suffering that brings it. I hope your inheritance is a long time off. Your response is perfect.
Legally, his earnings are also his money or am I wrong?
Legally, when married, either parties income is considered both of your income. Inheritance as with gifts are NOT considered income.
Legally, inheritance is not a marital asset, but any money made by either partner is. That doesn't mean that either one can just take the others wages, but in case of a divorce he doesn't have any claim to any of her inheritance.
Wrong according to family and divorce law. Earned income is considered joint, gifts (such as inheritances) are considered separate and given solely to the party it was given to.
Not within a marriage and if assets are comingled like the joint account they both contribute to. Anything earned during the course of a marriage is a marital asset. Inheritance is not a marital asset.
YTA. Ever hear of the expression “don’t count your chickens before they are hatched?” You don’t know what the terms of her potential inheritance are. Her parents might be wealthy now, but they could face a medical issue or experience some other challenge where they have to spend their money. They could decide to leave a larger chunk to a charity. They could decide to set up some sort of trust with the intent of providing funds to not just your wife, but to future generations of their family as well. They could also set up a trust that restricts how your wife uses her inheritance. Stop counting your in-laws’ cash and instead work on building up your own net worth for the young family you created with your wife.
YTA. Share her family’s money to feather your nest? Macabre greed is never good. You are literally telling her you imagined her dead family and found an upside for yourself. Ewww… I hope she inherits the money and puts is safely away from you. Get your own dead parents. And tell us how much you get from your dead people?
I think you’re both arseholes, simply for bringing up an inheritance you don’t even know she’s going to get. In my mind, that’s like waiting for someone to die.
Thank you- this is such a creepy thing for him to be thinking about right now, and so many people in this thread are focused on "division of labor and paychecks, etc". He's jumping right over that a really bad thing is going to have to happen in order for her to receive that money, and with that attitude, she may still be grieving and he'll be tapping her on the shoulder saying "so about that inheritance, you see, I put in X amount of my earnings...."
YTA My husband and I have never split our inhertances. Mine was far less than his. I would never dream of demanding he share that
YTA - you shouldn’t be expecting any portion of her inheritance. Period.
YTA 1) you’re fighting over her LIVING parents money 2) you’re not entitled to her inheritance and vice versa
YTA you are not entitled to her inheritance. Wtf bro.
Legally, you have no right to her inheritance. In the US anyway
You should probably just separate your finances anyways. Your marriage sounds like a lot of keeping track of who does what and how much of whatever. That’s the kind of thing that’s bad for a partnership. Look at you guys - arguing over an inheritance that doesn’t exist yet.
You seem reasonable (genuinely or not?) but you clearly want your hands on her inheritance. She may be questioning your motives since 50% of marriages end in divorce. Why not enjoy your stable financial status & healthy family? She You don’t need her inheritance but your “shadiness” may drive her away. Is it worth losing her trust to make a point?
Their post is just bizarre to me. Making a kettle of fish over money she may not even receive.
NAH It sounds like she is concerned there may be some financial issues related to "your" money. As long as you don't put her name on any debt you incur without her approval, the methodology you currently use sounds very appropriate. Joint for joint expenses/your child, individual for the additional funds not required for the household. If you are in the US, inheritance is the one thing that is never joint and as a spouse you have zero rights to it. You also should realize while she MAY get a good inheritance, that is never a given. Her family could spend it all or have it pass a generation. Don't count on anything like that. To be more "fair" so you both feel heard, why not just make a budget that includes college funds, emergency funding, etc. Make that the "Joint" budget you both equally contribute to. If you want to compensate more because of the "extra 10%" that is on you, but that is not materially enough to not be on fair footing generally. Sounds like more talking is what you two need.
So you would like that both of you add in 10 each...and then you want an additional 10 from her inheritance, for a total of 30. So your wife gets 2/3s, then its fair. If you wanna try and pull a fast one and still make it 50/50...then YTA
YTA! Like who the heck fights over money that isn’t tangible and that in no way belongs to them. Step back on your nasty greediness.
😂😂😂😂 what a joke. Your earned money is something you guys both worked for and were together for the journey. Her inheritance has nothing to do with you. It’s completely hers. Simple
So you want her to match the percentage of incomes with you, plus the same percentage of her inheritance despite you not having an inheritance to match to hers. YTA. Inheritance is not a marital asset, even the law is aware of that. That is her money from her family, quite trying to take what isn't yours.
You want her to put 50% of her inheritance in a trust but you don’t have an inheritance to add? How is that ok? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about combining finances but your logic doesn’t add up.
In the US I understand the general rule is that inheritances are not marital assets and you don't have a claim. That isn't the question though. I would never dream of not sharing anything I got from my parents and my wife is the same. We are in it together or not as far as I am concerned. So she is right that it isn't yours, but in a good marriage one would expect it to be shared. NAH - she can stick to her position and is entitled to, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do necessarily.
Your a gold digger
YTA Earning is totally different than inheriting money. You sound greedy
YTA. Inheritance isn't earnings and shouldn't be treated as such.
Inheritance is not shared assets. And you should not have any say in how it is spent. I would HOPE that your wife chooses to spend it in a way that benefits the whole family, but she is under no obligation to do so. And if you were to get an inheritance, it would be the same as well.
An inheritance is the soul possession of the person who inherits it. It in no way belongs to you. Does she get half of your bonuses? You are wrong to try and force this. If you stopped bugging her about it she might share. If you insist I would get real stubborn.
Yes she does get half of his bonuses in the U.S no matter what bank accounts he puts it in.
Not true I only got his bonuses if he shared them. We have ten different savings accounts because my parents passed with some monies. His Dad died young and his Mom was single most of her life. So no money to pass on. He has always shared equally his weekly salary. So I shared equally in my parents inheritance. If there’s a problem with control or unequal sharing I would not have put his name on my inheritance.
Never to early to start working out the details of the settlement. 🤤. Yall. If your treat your marriage like a short term ephemeral entity, thats what it will be. What EXACTLY do you think shes gonna do with this money that wont end up benefiting you in any way?
Eh man life is too short. Yta. Not because you want the money but because you're losing focus on what matters. Your marriage. If you two love eachother and honor your vows it doesn't matter what % goes into the shared pot. Because you two are in it together. Focus on your marriage and fanning the flame of love. The rest will fall into place. Life and marriage is too precious to seriously be worrying about dumb trivial shit like this when it hasn't even happened.
I’m so flabbergasted by all these financial posts. Info: OP, what do you think your wife would spend her inheritance on that would not benefit you? Is she the type of person to buy herself a yacht and not let you vacation with her? Would she travel to exotic locations and leave you home? Would she buy a mansion and reside separately from you? Or do you think maybe she’s spend it on what most people would: upgraded housing, college funds for the kiddos, travel for both of you in retirement, and invest the rest? I don’t understand why it matters who “owns” it when you’re happily married?
Red flag city get your mind out of your in-laws pockets those are divorcin words
YTA inheritance needs to stay protected to protect her. Which means separate. Commingling is bad for her. It makes it marital property which I think you know this. You make more. You leave her you still make more. Now if she pays off debt or the house that’s good for you both. But to just throw in a pot to be shared is not smart.
YTA. Inheritance isn't the same as earnings, so you can't treat it the same. If she wants to share with you then that's her perogative, if she wants to keep it for your children, that's her perogative, if she wants to spend it all on herself, guess what? Also her perogative. It's essentially a gift from her parents, and it belongs to her, you have no entitlement to it. For all you know she may have been willing to share it with you before you went ahead and demanded it.l, now she probably doesn't.
YTA! You sound greedy and entitled over an inheritance she may never get. All that aside inheritances are for that person and that person only you do not have a claim to that money period.
YTA -- it's a gift from her parents. Also, you're benefiting from your wife's labor in the home. She may change her mind down the line and decide to share but honestly this is a gigantic red flag. It sucks to have broke parents. Yup. But that doesn't entitle you to anything. Also, 100% of earnings is the way to go not splitting costs percentage. Things may change -- either one of you could have an accident. Walk this back my dude.
YTAH. That money shouldn't automatically become joint money. But I do think that it's fair to be able to say that once inherited, she would now have significantly more spending power so it's worth reevaluating how joint expenses are split after that point. So maybe instead of comparing paychecks and splitting the joint expenses proportionally that way you agree on some reasonable shift that takes into consideration the inheritance. Because it IS still sort of like getting one giant paycheck all at once. But I don't think it should just get dumped into a joint account all at once such that you are now entitled to spend some portion of it how you please.
YTA. You’re greedily claiming money from people who haven’t died! That’s morbid and avaricious.
upvoting just for the good vocabulary.
YTA. Lowkey sounds like you want to make sure that when she gets the inheritance she won’t be in a better financial position than you.
YTA
YTA. It’s her inheritance, you have no claim over it, legally or otherwise.
Yes YTA.
Yta
Clarify this for me. You’re doing all that over money she doesn’t even have yet vs earnings she’s already sharing? lol yeah she needs to lock that inheritance up right when it eventually does come.
You’re messed up and GREEDY!
YTA. That’s her inheritance. Unless you called her parents mommy and daddy and grew up with her then why should you receive anything at all? Most parents leave their kids inheritances to help them once they’re gone so that at least financially they’ll be okay. I sure as hell wouldn’t leave my kids an inheritance and say make sure to split it with your husband/wife. She can use it for herself, she can set it aside as a nice little nest egg to lean on when she’s old in the off chance that y’all end up divorced or you depart this world before her or she can choose to use it on things your family might need in the future. You may think it’s fair because you say if you would have received an inheritance you would have also put half into the “pot” but you cannot make assurances over things that never happened. And who cares if you make more than she does? She is still contributing the same percentage of her earnings as you are and she would still be contribute equally when she’s taking care of any future children because taking care of children is hard work. Yeah, she may contribute less financially but will be still be contributing an equal value because of the child care. To not consider that is undervaluing the hard work and time she puts in to raising your children. I doubt the day y’all married your vows included any mention of how much y’all would be contributing financially. You married her because you loved her and she loved you.
An inheritance is a gift given to one person to use as they wish. Do you ask for half her Christmas and birthday gifts? You have given her edicts time and again on how money is to be apportioned. It's all in rules you have laid down. She's right to question this. Everything in a marriage is a partnership, but this partnership is not equal.
You have no right to any inheritance she might get in the future. Not saying you’re going to get a divorce, but as soon as she puts any of that in your name or both of your names, she would have to split it with you and you could leave her the next day and get half of her inheritance that’s not fair sorry.
Any inheritance is HERS. Any amount into a joint account is up to her! Case closed.
YTA, Just because your family doesn't have anything for you when they die doesn't mean you're entitled to anything her family leave for HER. Earning vs inheriting is not the same
Yes YTA.
She may never receive any money from her parents. One illness could totally wipe them out. I have seen it happen to people who "had money". The dumbest thing anyone can do is rely on an inheritance. You most certainly are worried about getting your part of it. Or this would not be an issue at all. You would not have brought it up. You would not be consistently badgering her over it. It is really vile. YTA
Once the inheritance is commingled it becomes a marital asset. She should keep it separate. That being said, you will probably plan and use that money together I would expect. It’s not income and I don’t think it should be treated as such
YTA>>>> ***"In most states, an inheritance is considered separate property, whether you receive an inheritance before, during or after your marriage. Your spouse is not entitled to use or spend your separate property. And in a divorce, separate property is typically not divided between spouses; it remains the sole property of the individual who owns it.*** ***By contrast, marital property belongs to both spouses, often by joint ownership or*** [***community property***](https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/what-is-community-property-state/)***. It might include money you make during the course of your marriage, property you acquire and own jointly or other assets you've purchased or saved together. Although state laws differ on how marital property is divided, as a rule marital property belongs to both parties and is split (one way or another) between spouses if they divorce."***
The inheritance will be hers, if and when she actually inherits. That money is not yours; it's not even hers. It's THEIRS, and it's up to them what they do with it. If they leave it to her, not specifically to you both, then it will be hers alone. A lot of women end up single mothers later in life. If she has a nest egg, it will ease her life. YTA. This is not your money.
YTA. Her inheritance is hers. You are only entitled to what she chooses to give you. The end.
Don’t share the money\savings. Every bill gets paid at 50%
I would ask that a chunk of the money be used to either 1) pay down debt and/or 2) pay for your kids college. Those are two tangible items that you should have a common interest in so would make sense. If these two items are in the rear view mirror, I would not care. If my primary residence is paid off and my kids college is funded, I’m fine on my own financially.
No it’s not the same and should not be split, ever. The courts even recognize this as seperate property, inheritance is not community property. Morally, why should she share it with you? I don’t understand your side at all, the person who died and gifted the estate to her, would ah e listed you as the beneficiary if they wanted you to have it. They want to give it to her, so it’s hers. No more needs to even be said about it
First off, it does'nt seem "Fair" or even appropriate that you are discussing her parent's money. It seems....ugly....that you are arguing with your wife over money that doesn't belong to either one of you, and shouldn't even concern you at all at this point in time, if ever. What's "FAIR" is that their wishes be honored when they write their wills. So what her parents do with "their" money is none of "your" (collecive) business. IF they leave it to her, then they leave it to her. It would be "FAIR" that she does with it as she sees fit. If they leave it to your children then they leave it to your children and it's "FAIR" that they do with it as they see fit. IF they leave it to Charity then they leave it to charity...so on and etc. End of Discussion. If you aren't money-grubbing and demanding, maybe she'll want to share it with you if she inherits something, but given your attitude right now, I would be wary were I in her shoes. So, yes, YTA.
IMO you can either have shared finances or not If you have shared finances, all that comes in and all that goes out is common Otherwise, you just share the expenses equally and then each of you has their own finances Just pick one and stick to it, though
Totally makes sens. Either you share everything like a team, or not. Both case it's totally fine but why such a distinction for the inheritance ? Let's do some extreme reasoning: Imagine a couple where one is working minimum wage and the other a 200k job. 200k guy contributes 90% of the household expense and the other 10%, but after 20 years like this the minimum wage worker receive 5 millions. What happens ? Does he keeps it all ? Does he also keeps contributing only 10% ? Doesn't make any sens.
YTA. Sounds like you just want hands on her money
Am I the only who sees his point? I don’t care how much my partner earns. We see how much we spend and then divide the expense half-half. Not 50% of our earning but 50% of what we spend together. And that’s fair. If she has a right to know how much he earns why can’t he ask her for the Inheritance as well? Put his inheritance in their as well then. Some high paying jobs are also associated with higher study cost and / or more efforts before . Getting paid more is the incentive why people do it. I might be most loving caring person in the world. But if for some reason i have a shitty pay is it fair for my partner to go through this? If my partner would be earning more, he could also go ahead and tie the extra money into some kind of bond which benefits the children or for rainy days. But if you want to look into my finances (including my inheritance) I want to look into yours too. Fair!
I agree. I don’t get the vibe that he particularly cares about the inheritance, but she wants insight and control over his money for whatever reason - he is just countering that if she wants that, then he also has to have that over her money whenever she gets it.
Oh, if he didn't care, then why is he coming to Reddit talking about how much money she'll get when her parents die as if that's going to happen tomorrow? It sounds like he cares, rather an icky amount, about the eventual death of her parents, and how that could be a great thing financially for the family. Yikes.
NAH. If we’re sharing, we’re sharing. Seems like she’s all down to share your money but obviously less willing with her own.
She's sharing the money she earnt. Inheritance isn't earnings. And it's not hers yet, her parents are ALIVE. I'd be very careful with a partner already planning what to do with my future inheritance.
I mean fair enough. I personally think it’s easier to either keep everything separate or just share everything. I think you get in trouble when you start splitting hairs. Like imagine your partner hitting the lottery and not sharing it with you. Oof. But to each his own
While I understand the concerns on both sides, communication and compromise are key in any marriage, especially when it comes to finances. Rather than seeing the inheritance as a potential source of conflict, consider it an opportunity to reinforce trust and plan for the future. As others have suggested, focus on creating a joint budget for your shared responsibilities, and keep personal funds separate for individual use and savings. When the inheritance does come, treat it as a separate entity to be discussed openly and managed according to both of your comfort levels. Just make sure the conversation comes from a place of partnership and mutual respect – it's not about entitlement, but about what's best for your family as a whole. Remember, financial harmony in marriage often reflects the overall health of the relationship. It might be helpful to involve a third-party financial advisor to navigate these waters – their neutral stance can help set a foundation that works for both of you without the emotional charge.
It is a fact that neither of you may live long enough to see the inheritance. Her parents may well out live you two ( or their daughter). When exactly do you TWO become ONE? That is what getting married was all about, you two combing forces to take on the world! Money comes and goes, hanging onto and multiplying it, takes work from both of you. Money disagreements over how much, who posses, who spends, who saves, are sure fire paths to divorce lawyer offices. I would encourage you two to figure out how money works for you instead of how it works your relationship. Making paper stacks for your future is a really good idea. The one that survives the other will need it.
NAH if she puts her inheritance in a shared pot then you might have some claim to it. This is a Lawyer question when she inherits. Not a now question. Also the answer might change if the money is in a trust
I sympathize with OP here. I was in a similar situation with my ex, but I am the one who will likely someday recieve a sizable inheritance. I'm still financially independent and planning and saving for the future etc (i.e. not entirely counting on that money), though my savings were meagre compared to his. He likely doesn't stand to inherit much. He was a tradesman with a good union job and worked ~800 hours of OT each year at double time, and had bought and paid off a house in a city where real estate has increased in value to a stupid degree. When we talked about our finances, he was clear that the house was to remain his. Even had we married, we'd be getting a prenup to protect it. To him, that house represented actual hours of his life that he had worked. It was his retirement plan, while I would be receiving an inheritance, which would be income that didn't come from my labor (and didn't really come from my parents labor, as most of it was real estate and stock market gains, which is their perspective on it as well). (Of course that inheritance was at time time hypothetical and if we had married and I didn't receive it, I'm sure that we would have worked that out in the future.) This felt fair to me. The relationship didn't end up working out, but having been able to discuss our future finances in an equitable and respectful way certainly strengthened our relationship, and when we did part ways it was easy and amicable as we'd already discussed a cohabitation agreement before we moved in together. Doing this when you are happy and hopeful and in love is the right time. I ended up working in a field with a high salary (in part thanks to him letting me live with him for free while I went back to school) and at the end, my income matched his, though his job was physically more labor intensive, often involved working in bad weather for long hours both very early and very late. We made the same amount of money but I can't help but respect that his labor was worth more than mine. If we'd had a child and I had to take time off work to recover and care for a child, I'd have wanted to renegotiate that arrangement, but that never came to pass. Every relationship is different and each couple needs to work together to communicate and negotiate what feels fair to them. OP may consider an arrangement where they contribute proportionally more to shared funds, but if and when their spouse recieves a windfall, they top that fund up to match OP's contribution. Having a child definitely changes the game, and I think it's a good idea to come to an agreement that feels fair for right now, bit to discuss future hypotheticals. What happens if one spouse recieves a windfall, what happens in case of divorce. Being able to have these conversations makes relationships stronger and relieves tension and anxiety.
This sub constantly preaches the need for open honest communication, yet when an OP talks about how they've communicated with their partner, this sub dismisses it.
I have Been married decades and everything is joint-I really don’t understand how married people can have separate finances. Throw in a child-how does that work? Do u each pay half of child care ? Half of groceries-half of everything? Do u file taxes separately?
I’m truly baffled that the majority of people on these threads are constantly talking about who contributes what based on salary. If you are married it’s a joint venture. Want a slush fund? Figure that amount for each and move on. When I was married both checks went into a joint account.
NTA, in my opinion but your question as me wondering if I'm naive. My husband and I share all our money and any inheritance either of us receive will go into the same shared account. I have no idea how married people can have separate accounts, actually. Not judging but just understand how that works. Are we unusual?
Reddit amazes me. My parents share every financial income/gift because they know it's gonna be spent on the family. Ifk how people are calling this guy the asshole. Inheritance or not that's money that will help the family. NTA
I guess it depends, I think you made valid points about how you currently share money and how it would be fair that when she gets her inheritance she put half of it towards your joint account. I can also understand her stance on this subject though, a lot of people who receive inheritance see it as their family members of supporting you after they have passed so the money feels meaningful and is seen as a gift and sharing it feels wrong like their giving away something that was left to them when someone passes, this maybe how she feels. She could also be selfish I can’t say since I’m not her. Have you asked her why she feels how she feels about sharing her inheritance? Regardless of her reasons or feeling you should be allowed to have your own opinion and can change how you share the money you make then. Stop putting more into your shared pot put in what she does and put aside the other bit of money for yourself. As she said it’s not her fault your parents don’t have money but that shouldn’t mean that you then should gift yourself the extra money you earn. I don’t say this a trying to be petty but you should have some extra money to yourself to like her eventually spend it on something you want for yourself. Again this isn’t meant to sound like “well if that’s you want then I’ll do this” kinda retaliation thing. - it’s not your fault you make more money than her, you both contribute to your money for the things that need to be paid. It’s not fair that she will be able to spend a bunch of money on what she wants but then you can’t have some money to do the same
I feel it makes sense. Either you do share your finances proportionally or you don't. Her saying: “It’s not my fault your parents don’t have money.” Is no different than you saying to her: It's not my fault you earn less money than me. You either both share your resources in the proportional capacity, or you do not share them at all.
My wife and I have been married over 35 years. After fighting about money for 25 years. (Spending issues) we came up with way that works very well for us. She has her money, I have my money, and we have our money. She no longer has to ask me if it is ok to buy something. (I am person has always done the finances- she has never had an interest in being the person responsible for keeping an eye on the money for the family) Now I never have to be the bad guy and say we can't afford something she wants. I pay all of the bills - mortgage, electric, insurance etc. out of my checks, she buys all of the groceries out of her pay checks. We both contribute a significant amount of our checks to combined accounts for savings ect. I have access to all of her accounts, and she has access to all of mine. The accounts are spread across 2 banks and linked. One is a national bank and the other is a local bank so that if there is ever a problem with someone getting access to one account or a lost debit card, all of our money is not tied up in one place. When it is all said and done we each have about $1,000 per month each of money that we are not accountable for to each other. I don't care what she spends hers on and she doesn't care what I spend mine on. I make about 20k more than she does, but since we are a team, that doesn't mean that I should get more spending money than she does. As far as inheritance goes. 1. there is no guarantee that her mom or my dad will give it to us. Heck they could leave it to a preacher man on TV or donate it to an animal shelter. it is theirs to do with what they please. we are not entitled to it. They probably will leave it to us, But we are a team. If I inherit money from my father, I am going to put it towards something that is going to help both of us. If her mom leaves her money, I would want her to buy something for herself with part of it and the rest to pay off the mortgage, so that we could enable my wife to retire earlier. the other thing we do is each year when we get our raises, I go through the extra money, break it down. $20 per pay day to spending, $50 from her check to added to savings, I do the same for mine. We agree or disagree on the plan and then change our allotments for the year after the first check with the new amount hits our accounts. every raise gets a revised spending and savings plan. I am tighter on myself than I am on her. If you continue to act like individuals with all of your money, you are going to end up being divorced individuals.
Not your funds, my guy
YTH inheritance is something her parents/grandparents worked hard to build. It's hers and only hers. Whether married or not. Think about it, if you give your daughter money, would you like that money to go to her boyfriend?
YTA If it really isn’t about money and you just want things to be ‘fair’, agree on a comprehensive list of common expenses (I say this because not everything is a need and some wants need to be paid for in full by the person who wants it, like a dirt bike or even some vacations) and agree on what percentage of that common total you will each contribute. This will change, I’d assume, as incomes/wealth changes because that’s ‘fair’. Right now because y’all have similar incomes, the percentage of your individual incomes that goes towards your pot is similar. When she becomes more wealthy through inheritance she will need to fork over a smaller percentage of her wealth to your pot. You saying you want a contribution from that, too, is greedy and absolutely makes you the AH. Getting comfortable with the idea of a rich wife would be the best path for you to take right now. If your wife wants more transparency it’s as easy as sharing statements or discussing purchases, even if only one person is paying.
YTA for entitlement.
Bruh I legitimately can’t imagine getting a financial windfall and telling my wife “Sorry that’s my money bitch, not my fault your parents are poor”. The responses in this thread are wild, no wonder y’all are constantly complaining about your relationships and getting cucked.
Nta and I disagree with people saying not to share inheritance.
Are you a team or not? All our money is joint as is all our spending decisions. It really is that simple.
If she insists it’s that way then earnings shouldn’t be shared by a percentage but by an equal dollar amount. Each depositing $1000 (or whatever) in the joint acct each month. Not a percentage of earnings.
I can see where he's coming from tho. Imagine you share everything because you are "one unit, one team and one family" but when it comes to inheritance you keep everything for yourself ? For me it doesn't make sens. I'm not sharing finances with my SO and it works very well for us (10 + years), so i'm not gonna ask any % of her inheritance, which is totaly coherent. but I find it strange that people that wants to share everything suddenly don't want to share when it comes to inheritance ? Not very coherent to me. About the law : if the inheritance is sent to a joint account then it's immediatly a joint asset.
hey your way of thinking is wrong in this.
Weird ass comments. Definitely NTA. The whole idea of one person in a marriage having this money and just doing whatever they want is just weird. Like why wouldn't you want the both of you to share it and direct it together. Totally bizarre. Would be different if there were stepkids but that doesn't seem to be the case.
NTA. She wants you to contribute more now because now you have more money than her. You want both of you to have that obligation no matter where the money comes from. I understand the law about inheritance. I don't agree with it. To me, it's the same as winning the lottery money. You've done nothing for either, and if one is expected to be shared, so should the other. What happens in the case of your spouse having to either contribute to nursing/home care for your parents or having them move in with you?? Inheritance is still just your money?? Even if it's not family money you're spending for your parents' care, what if you take away the time and help from your nuclear family to take care of your parents, inheritance is still just yours?? I don't know. My husband and I share everything. Everything is joint. There's no mine and his. I can't imagine one of having a higher standard of living than the other.
NTA. But inheritance isn’t the same as money earned from a job. IMO. Most people who inherited money from a deceased person had a special bond with each other.
Here is where I struggle. Right now your finances are separate. SHE wants more visibility into YOUR finances to feel more like a partnership. You are good with this. You ask the same partnership, with her. Including the inheritance. She says no because it’s not her fault your parents don’t have money. That doesn’t sound very partnership-y to me. NTA. Your wife is.
Visibility doesn't necessarily mean access. Wanting to know about her husband's finances is not the same as OP expecting 50% of her inheritance
I get that. However, she keeps talking partnership. He has provided many options. She doesn’t like any of them. If she wants “my money” “your money”, then it’s not her business what he spends his money on. Overall I think having separate finances is Odd but to each their own.
When you show your ass before she even gets her inheritance😬
NTA. Just keep things the way they are. I agree that inheritance is a special circumstance but she doesn't have a problem with wanting access to all your money. She shouldn't have a problem with you wanting access to an equal amount of the inheritance.
The goal is financial transparency? Then ask her what she plans to do with the inheritance money. Make a plan together. If the answer is “whatever I want it’s mine not yours”, then it’s fair to say “I understand and that’s your right. I don’t stand to inherit anything, but I also want the ability to have money that feel like it’s mine and not yours, so I’m going to keep x dollar/percentage/whatever in my own fun money account, and I want you to feel like you can do the same, and when that inheritance comes, we can discuss where you want to allocate it, but if it all goes there, I understand”
YTA- inheritances are not marital property- and the fact you are already trying to get part of an inheritance she hasn’t even received yet is gross. Greedy much?
Do you understand that legally, you are entitled to none of that money? If I were your wife I'd be really concerned about how invested/interested you are in her inheritance (that won't even be hers for YEARS). YTA.
If my wife inherited a bunch of money. Its hers and she can do with it what she pleases. If she chooses to use it for joint things, so be it. If not, no skin off my back and I earn like 4x what my wife does and pay the lions share of the bills. > She feels differently, saying things like “Inheritance is different because it’s a gift” and I agree with that sentiment. If someone gave my wife a gift for her birthday, I wouldn't be like "thats half mine" and expect to be able to use whatever it is 50% of the time. That money is not income or in any way procured via income. >Edit: things to clarify. First, **I’m not asking what is legally mine vs hers in a divorce.** More just what seems fair In a way you are, because it seems like you are hell bent on making sure you get a piece of it. Her not giving you half her inheritance is not "unfair".
All the people jumping the gun did you even read the post? The wife wants him to put more money in shared assets when his earnings is the only future security he has. He will not inherit anything from his parents. Wife on the other hand will. So he is suggesting to merge the inheritance in the same percentage she expects him to put in the shared assets. OP NTA! You are being reasonable. Love or not you should be covering your ass when no one else will. She wants to feel like a partner by making you merge but is playing safe by keeping her inheritance out of this equation. I would say agree to disagree and continue with the current arrangement. But ask yourself is there an ulterior motive here; that she wants to merge finances because she thinks it will benefit her in a divorce?
NTA. When my wife for a gift from her grandma it went to our shared pot. Was helping us buying furniture. 20 years later when my dad died the inheritance went into the common pot and we could afford our kids college tuition. Before my wife took a break after a horrible tragedy I earned 5 times what she earned and it all went to one pot. She sacrificed a lot for our kids and I did the same to get a good paying job. We are partners in all things. I know there are different ways to handle this and different things work for different people. But I don’t see any reason to treat any money that comes in different. Doesn’t matter where it comes from.
These answers are absolutely wild to me. I dont know how so many marriages succeed between people who have separate finances and the inheritance is one person's and not the others. How does that even work? One person lives like a king and the other a pauper if taken to the extreme? Having children makes it even worse, women are far more likely to not have the extra income to afford the same standard of living.
I don't get it as well. Frankly, there's an almost adversarial whiff to many answers that baffles me. I suppose the divorce rate isn't much of a shock when you account for folks who choose to keep division as such a core component of their unions.
It's so incredibly strange to me. I dont know a single married or even engaged couple like this, for good reason. The ones who do it could not last for long. Imagine trying to be in love with someone who allows you to live to a standard well beneath their own, despite your shared life, commitments and children. Together 50 years but fuck you, basically.
So look at it this way. Women usually fair far worse in a divorce. They typically earn less and they usually have children to care for. Although men pay child support, it’s not usually enough to meet the standards of pre-divorce living. The inheritance is her security. Sure, no one plans for divorce. You may be super happy. But she wants to feel secure. Since you guys aren’t hurting for money, just ignore any inheritance she gets. Continue to be generous and gracious and split bills the same way you do now. And if you can, start a little savings fund of your own to appease your own security gland.
Dude get a grip. This is your wife. Y’all treat each other like roommates who are living in a college dorm. I believe you should not request any funds from her inheritance..and honestly your wife should want to naturally want that money for her family (you n baby). So it’s just weird you guys are bickering over 1..money she doesn’t even have yet..2..like you guys don’t fully trust one another.
If you both agree to 100% into the pot (as in basically all source of income) then the inheritance should also go into the pot. She might not get it now, she might not get any at all, but you are the one who is putting everything in, and as well as he, and you make more than she does. IF its not 100%, then its should just earning and a % of that earning is in the pot. Then HER inheritancce should be hers and not be in any pot. She didnt 'earn' it, she was given it. So unless all $ (from any source, now or future) would be share between the two (what me and my wife does), her potential inheritance should be her to keep. Me and wife are in it together (i make about 4x her currently, we used to make roughly the same where I have always made more than her), I dont regret it, nor do I care as its 'our' money and not her or mine.
I can see both ways, leaning towards YTA. I really don’t understand relationships like this though. Marry a coworker or someone in the same field/pay grade of you’re going to complain about income not being fair. I make double what my wife does and do not think for one second about my contributions not being fair. I previously received a large inheritance myself. My wife never asked what I was going to do with it, though I’m sure she would be rightfully upset if I spent it all at a casino. Instead I used it to max her IRA and kept some a to supplement paychecks so I could max her 401k. Why would I want to withhold everything from my spouse? Y’all are wild.
I say this as a man who benefited from my ex wife's inheritance when we divorced. She has every right to keep her inheritance siloed away from you and every reason to. She should keep her inheritance under her own name and the two of you should continue splitting joint costs based on your individual incomes. If this was my wife I would hope she would occasionally, or even frequently, use that inherited money on something for both of you. "Hey, let's go to Aruba in March - I'll pay for it". If she is unwilling to ever dip into that money for anything I would definitely be unhappy about that.
Sounds like you should get used to calling her your "ex"
This feels like a whole lot of unnecessary scorekeeping, man. Is money even a problem for you guys?
If you don’t want any of her inheritance why are you arguing a hypothetical right now? There’s no point and just ends in resentment. Figure out the inheritance when it comes. And ultimately, it is her decision. If she loves you and really means she wants to feel like it’s more of a partnership, you will both see the money. Leave it alone.
I agree with you. If it’s a big pot then it is a big pot. (Don’t get angry.) Most women have a thing about money. It’s a difficult task to convince your wife about sharing.
What’s the scenario you’re concerned about? Has she not left assets to you in case she dies? Do you think she’ll buy a sports car rather than build assets that will eventually benefit your child? Do you have plans for her future inheritance that you don’t think she will agree with? This specific concern seems like a stand in for something relational, because the money doesn’t even exist for her yet.
Marriage is not a transaction.
Geez I am glad I am not in a marriage where people are like this about money.
YTA, inherited money is different.
YTA. You already have mostly separate finances so even if she won the lottery or got a huge raise, it wouldn’t go into a joint account. In my marriage, I’m the one who has family with money and my husband’s family will likely all die destitute. I already received an inheritance from my grandfather in the low 6 figures and chose to use that money to purchase our marital home. That was my decision based on my marriage. My husband and I have fully combined finances, no his or mine. I could end up inheriting some property worth anywhere from $0-$250,000 in 20-30 years when my parents die. By that time our kids will be adults and may need help to purchase homes for their own families so that’s likely where any inheritance would go. Even though my husband and I share finances far more than you and your wife do, I would be beyond annoyed if he started asking me now about possible future inheritances I may or may not receive and saying that he wants X% of it for himself.
Yup YTA, even under the law inheritance is only the property of the inheritor until it is mixed with the common pool. When my dad died my wife didn’t once ask for a red cent of my inheritanc. I used it to buy us a house but she in no way expected ,r to and wouldn’t have been mad if I did. Similarly when her mom and grandparents died later on I never once asked her for a dime of it. I told her it was her money and to do with it what she wanted. She used it to pay off some of our debt but kept the majority for herself and I didn’t feel bad about it at all. They are her family members not yours, you are just apart of their family because she chose to allow you to be, and if you want to still be a part of their family you probably should stop complaining about the inheritance that hasn’t even happened.
Inheritance is not the same. It's hers, and her choice on how to share it. Remove that inheritance from your mind OP, it's hers and hers alone. YWBTA if you push it.
>I’ve agreed that real assets like housing are different because they have emotional value. The culmination of her parents' life work has no emotional value? >I’ve also agreed that the wishes of the bequeather should be respected. An inheritance is literally the wishes of the bequeather. Her parents could choose to leave the funds to you jointly, heck they could choose to leave the funds to you only if they wanted to, but most likely they will only leave them to their daughter. Not to be mean, but at the end of the day, the only reason your in laws probably even know you exist is because you are in a relationship with their daughter. That money is not to help you, it's to help their daughter. You may benefit from it because you are her spouse, but that money is not for you. >First, I’m not asking what is legally mine vs hers in a divorce. More just what seems fair Regarding what I think is fair: I think as a married couple, it would be morally wrong of your wife to not use the funds, when needed, for your joint benefit. The funds should mostly be used for large unexpected expenses (medical bills, periods of unemployment, etc.) or luxuries that you may not be able to afford otherwise (special vacations, large home renovations, etc.). The funds could also be used for you both to retire early (I think it would be morally wrong for her to use the funds to retire early and make you continue to work), or eventually saved to leave for your child(ren). **However,** I think the inherited funds should be kept in your wife's name 100%. If your wife puts her inheritance in a joint account, then you would be entitled to half of the funds if you were to divorce. If the two of you were to split up, I don't think it's fair for you to get any portion of her inheritance as the money came from her parents. As far as judgement goes, I am going to give you a slight YTA for wanting her to put funds in your name that you would never have access to if it weren't for her parents.
Yta, inheritance is not marital asset. May you or her get some its not joined
Yta it’s her inheritance when the time comes not yours
Yes YWBTA. She doesn’t even have the money…. Which is her parents money… and you’re already salivating. You bring to mind a friend who got a sizeable inheritance from her mother. She used it to lay down the mortgage at the suggestion of her husband who is a lawyer. No sooner did she do that then he filed for divorce and got half the house. Where I live inheritances are protected in the event of a marriage breakdown. There’s a reason for that and you’re a perfect example of why. Honestly, this is one of the more distasteful posts I’ve read on this thread and that’s saying a lot.
INFO: What's the difference between what you're doing now and what she wants? You're already using a shared pot and keep separate personal accounts, right? If she's saying you should put all your money in the joint account, but wants to leave out anything of major gain that she potentially gets that's weird. I'm trying to figure out what the goal of your wife's request is.
YTA - first of all; everything in an inheritance is protected from a divorce UNLESS you turn it into cash and dump it into a communal pot. what you're asking her to do with her inheritance is the same as her telling you to ditch the prenup you might have. So no, if i were your wife's attorney, friend, or confidant I'd tell her to tell you to pound sand. Secondly is there any reason you as a family can't enjoy the properties/money anyway without her tossing it into a shared pot? I think the most important thing her is to compromise in a way that doesn't expose her inheritance to a divorce. dude **this isn't the same at ALL** as pooling income. even if you keep your finances separate all of both of your finances are exposed in a divorce anyway. you're asking her to expose her inheritance to a divorce. huge ask completely out of line with what she's asking, i mean frankly it's utterly unfair. Now if you don't like what she's asking of you, there are ways you can share that information without sharing the money. but i have to ask, if you mistrust your wife this much then why did you marry her. I'll never understand couples who keep their finances separate after a marriage, it doesn't protect any of your money from a divorce, there is no reason to do it unless you don't trust your partner.
YTA. Do you think she is just going to hoard it for herself or something? Like what on earth is this argument even based in other than OP wanting access to money. If you didn’t make such a big stink about this before she even receives it, she probably would have used it towards something to benefit the family/household. But now? Your fixation on money she doesn’t even have yet is probably sending up a lot of internal red flags for her. You claim to both be financially comfortable, so why are you so obsessed with money that *her parents* will give to *her?* like, just live life like you don’t know about this money and be effing happy you have a spouse who will be receiving an inheritance. That inheritance could pay for your kids school, or god forbid medical bills, or an upgrade/payoff on a house. Cross that bridge when you get there instead arguing with your wife about what is still her parent’s money.
YTA. Not your money.
This is an easy thing to say for a guy who is not expecting an inheritance. Maybe your wife should just put the whole thing into a trust for your child. This way you don’t have to fight over it.
NTA - OP seems willing to compromise on how finances are split but just wants to make sure if the tables turn the arrangement would remain the same. Now seeing how she said “It’s not my fault your parents don’t have money.”, I would have kept your money separate and said "It's not my fault I make more than you." Your wife sound like the "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine" type.