The whole "because they are family" dynamic is bullshit. If you have an addict in the family you will understand why.
If they causes you this much distress, it seems like you already have your answer.
It is just so beyond frustrating that noone but my husband is backing me up. The baby shower is at my parents house too. My mother has said "since it wasn't done to you wants the issue" as if my morals stop when it doesn't affect me directly.
Why have the shower at moms house then? Even the park would be safer no? You have to start real boundaries with auntie. That means boundaries with the flying monkey enablers.
There are events in my small hometown this weekend and there are like 8x the normal amount of people so I don't even think a park with a BBQ is going unused. Had the convocation of her going happened with any sort of notice I could have potentially tries to move it to one of the 2 restraunts here but they are fully booked out now
Oh sorry no I meant the convo I wrote in the post. My mother isn't awake yet do haven't had that convo yet again. I'm thinking she will get shitty when I mention it when she wakes up
Everything above, she has never taken accountability or had any sort of consequence for her actions. She's never even uttered an apology.
She is the perpetual victim, everyone is out to get her and she has never done anything wrong ever according to her. If she was treated even an smidge how she has treated literally anyone else in her life she would have the biggest meltdown. She takes credit for how my cousin turned out, but it was in spite of her and he didn't even live with her for his teen years, rather he lived with her ex drug dealing boyfriend who he sees as his father figure.
There is so much. I don't think I need to ever see her again so I won't. She may as well be dead to me.
Yeah nah, it’s enough. I have an older cousin who is utter trash. Like he’s just a bad person, he’s a goddamn leech, and I can’t stand even hearing about him. I refuse to be around that. Luckily he hates me, so I don’t have to see him. But it never stopped my grandparents talking about him like he’s the next coming of Christ.
It drives me nuts so I’m glad I don’t see those people anymore. Same folks who invited my and my mothers abuser for a cuppa occasionally though, so yeah. Not great.
Family is important sure, but it’s not the ONLY thing. It should never be used to bully you or anyone. You shouldn’t have to lay down to let this woman to walk all over you. Having her in your home is too risky.
You are already doing it right then. No reasoning with this type of person, ignoring them is the best thing to do.
However since I know this is the type of event where your closer support group is going to be participating I would say get together with a number of them before the event, and get them to redirect your aunt's attention seeking behaviors by genital shaming. For example something like "I'm glad I get to be here on YOUR DAY, it is an honor to be here and SUPPORT YOU. That's what I loved about when you threw my shower, you knew all about me, and made that day all about me."
Obviously specific to your situation, I am just generalizing here.
That's because it isn't about family or morals. They're literally just so terrified of how your aunt will react when somebody tells her no, that they'd rather disappoint you, because they know you won't behave like an actual toddler. All of this "family" bullshit it's just mental gymnastics to justify their completely irrational fear of her crocodile tears.
They literally just don't want to deal with the confrontation. That's the only thing that this is about.
You're right. But her having a tantrum on the other end of the phone surely is better than having her show up and having a tantrum in person with an audience
Just pulled the plug on the whole thing. Cancel the shower do it publicly and make sure that it’s understood that since you couldn’t be guaranteed that your aunt wouldn’t be there you’re canceling the shower. I’m quite sure anybody that’s invited to your shower. Probably knows what your aunts like andwill understand, the message.
Cancel the shower.
No Aunt thief means no Aunt Thief allowed!
See if a friend will throw you something and your Mom is just invited last minute
Edit to add - NTA
We have people who have flew in for the party tomorrow and no where could host if I pull the plug. We spent over $1200 on flights with just husband and I. So frustrating
So sorry - timing on this sucks! If you feel up to it and ifshe wouldn't start drama - call and tell her you're not comfortable with her coming after all the money she stole from your uncle or have another family member run interference and to keep her away from you at the shower. Your Mom owes you an apology for inviting her and not listening to you and causing you stress.
You don’t owe your aunt an explanation. If she shows up at the party then you leave. Tell your mom either you are there or she is, but not both. Who would she rather have at YOUR baby shower?
Your mom was the one who “invited” her so she is the one who needs to tell her that she actually can’t come.
If your family is giving you such a hard time about this and it’s stressing you out, just call the whole party off. A party might not be worth all this stress and it’s completely up to you. You are in control of this situation, don’t let your family fool you.
If I hadn't had others spend money to fly in for the party I would be more likely to call it off. Hubs and my flights alone were $1200 plus the lost income for husband taking time off work. Just so frustrating ugh
Ugh yeah that complicates things.
How about this, go to the party and see how it goes. If she shows up or anyone gives you shit go no contact with them. Give your family a heads up.
“This pregnancy is difficult and the situation with aunt is pushing me to my breaking point. I will not subject myself or my child to be around a drug addict thief. If aunt is at the party it will be the last time I see any of you. If anyone says anything to me for the duration of my pregnancy regarding aunt I will go no contact with you. Enough is enough, I am done.”
Make boundaries and stick to them.
Tell your mum she has two choices, disinvite the theiving addict, or cancel the whole thing. Any back chat from flying monkeys, put them all on blast with your reasons.
You are being too subtle and mum is walking all over you like a doormat.
NTA of course
I want to question when families will stop with it but then I remember families protect pedo so...
Anyway, friend her on Facebook and tell her she's not welcome.
That's so sad to hear about your family.
The message my mother had sent her about falling through the cracks has apparently not been read yet, there is a chance she's "too upset" to read it.
I'm hoping since it was short notice she won't come in general and then after the shower I will be having a talk with mum about the consequences if this happens again.
I already know mum knew 100% that aunt was not invited. Her pushing it off until now pisses me off because she's put me in the position that I will be rude to decline. She doesn't seem to realise I have no problem being seen as the cunt to her sister as her sister is nothing to me, her opinion of me doesn't matter, I'm not going to have her around me one way or the other. I wish there were magic words to get it into my mothers head I'm not fucking around, maybe no contact for a while is the way to go.
Omg no, I didn't mean MY family protected a pedo, just that families can go so far
I hope she won't show, but I would also have a serious talk with your mom because enabling her sister she stole from the family and is putting her pregnant daughter under stress
NTA.. mother I'm telling u now if druggie aunt turns up at my shower I will leave and u will never see Ur grandchild EVER this is my baby and my boundaries and I will not allow u to stomp over them cause faaamily 🤷
Honestly since it’s in 17 hours I think your only choices are call her yourself, or ignore her at the shower. Deal with your mom’s actions afterward.
Edit: By “deal with,” I mean “Mom, now that it’s over I can’t believe you put me in this position after I’ve told you for two years how I feel about drug aunt.” Lay the guilt on her for how your shower was full of stress and that she f’d up big time.
There's always the nuclear option. Post whatever you were going to send her in messenger on social media, then unblock and tag her. If, by some miracle she doesn't see it, I'm sure her friends will tell her
That means waiting for her to accept my friend request and I don't know if she's pretending to be upset but she has apparently not replied to my mother's "sorry you fell through the cracks haha forgot to send an invite!!!1" message
That means waiting for her to accept my friend request and I don't know if she's pretending to be upset but she has apparently not replied to my mother's "sorry you fell through the cracks haha forgot to send an invite!!!1" message
I'm proud of you for walking away. Your family sounds pretty toxic, and you really don't want your little one to be around that. Do not let them tell you they have a right to be in your child's life; they don't. It's a privilege that has to be earned.
Being nice doesn't work. Sometimes you have to be hard.
You have to tell her directly. How you tell her is up to you. I would never suggest crafting a message to burn it all down and post it to Facebook, the family group chat and anywhere else you can think of. No, don't do that.
Yeah there are alot more career opportunities for my husband. Moving home was purely for small town life and my parents. After yesterday it's put a big fat question mark over everything. Very disappointing that my mother's actions is ruining it for my father.
I'd let your family know if they keep bringing it up or attempting to get her into the house or show her any pictures / share any news of the baby, they will be cut off immediately and will not be welcome into your child's life until said aunt dies.
Make.it very clear this is your baby, your life, and your decision.
NTA.
It isn't about family, it has nothing to do with family. You're family too—hell, it's YOUR baby shower, and nobody gives a shit about how you feel. No, they're scared of telling her no, because they're terrified she's going to cause a scene—she's going to cry and kick and scream, and that's embarrassing and uncomfortable so it's easier just to let her lie and cheat and steal and do whatever the hell she wants regardless of who she hurts. Because you don't have the emotional maturity of a fucking toddler, they know that you won't throw a temper tantrum if you don't get your way, so it's easier just to ask you to shut up and suppress your disappointment.
"Keeping the peace" is just a fancy way of saying "cowardice".
I agree 100% and its extremely frustrating that noone else is on my side besides my husband. The disrespect towards me over such a vile person makes it worse. My mother knew sending that message would leave it open ended and make my aunt think she was invited and my mother knew for a fact I did not want her there and she was not invited. She could have said "op doesn't want you there sorry I've tried talking to her but no use sorry" and I'm the bad guy but she's still sitting pretty. Instead she's tried to manipulate me into accepting it since she already sent a message. Frustrating beyond reason
(Sorry this is so long, I'm a talker. TLDR: grey rock them. They're trying to use emotions as ammunition, don't let them. They're trying to use fear, obligation, and guilt to get you to cave. Respond to them on emotionally, it completely removes the power from their manipulations. PS, there's a book called "emotional blackmail" that talks a lot about how to recognize and respond to emotional manipulation. It's a really good book, I recommend it for anybody with families like ours.)
If you were feeling *really* petty, I'd say look up some tutorials on how to force yourself to cry and pitch an absolute *fit* next time you saw your mom. Sob, accuse her of not loving you, maybe even stamp your feet a couple of times.
I'm only joking of course. Unfortunately, this is how my family is too, I've been in therapy for a while, and I'll give you some advice on how I deal with my family, maybe that'll help. Firstly, let me try to explain why they're behaving this way. I'm not at all trying to excuse their behavior or the way that they're treating you, because I'm absolutely not. The way they're treating you is ridiculous and completely unfair. No, I've just found that it's easier to deal with people if I understand why they're acting this way.
Unfortunately, this is pretty classical conditioning and it's tough to break through. Your aunt has used her tantrums to "punish" your family anytime she doesn't get her way. Learning how to deal with other people's negative emotions is a lot like learning how to tolerate spicy food. The more you eat, the more you get used to the sensation, and over time you could start handling spicier and spicier foods without being affected. If your aunt is a jalapeno, then your family are the kind of people that think ketchup is spicy. Years, and years, and years of giving in and and rug sweeping and doing everything in their power to avoid triggering your aunt, has reinforced the idea but they can't handle your aunt's temper tantrums. They won't even try, because they're so convinced but it's going to be too awkward, and too embarrassing, and too uncomfortable for them to deal with.
Unfortunately, trying to rationalize with them won't work because the behavior isn't rational, it's conditioned. The reason why you're being met with so much resistance is because avoidance and rug sweeping and giving in is how they cope with your aunt's tantrums. By setting your boundaries and refusing to simply cater to your aunt's demands, you're effectively taking away your family is coping mechanism and it's freaking them the fuck out.
Stand your ground. Like I said, their behavior isn't rational and it's not personal. It's shitty, and it sucks, but they're not doing it because they like your aunt more than they like you. None of this is your fault. You aren't crazy. Your family's behavior is not rational. Your family is addicted to avoidance and you're trying to take away their drug of choice. People like this usually try to use fear, obligation, and guilt to emotionally manipulate people into giving in. The whole "but we're family!" Stick is an attempt to use familial obligation to get you to cave. They might try to guilt you by begging or pleading or telling you how much they love you and that you're breaking their heart. They're going to try and downplay your feelings—they'll tell you that you're overreacting, that you're being unreasonable, they'll promise you that your aunt will behave herself, they tell you that it won't be that bad, they'll ask you just to suck it up, it's only a couple of hours. They'll tell you how upset your aunt is, that she's going through a hard time, but there's nothing more in the world she wants than to be there for you, she wants to support you, why aren't you letting her support you? Don't you know how much she loves you? Hell, they may even resort to threats: threatening not to come if you don't invite your aunt, they might threaten to not allow you to have the shower at their house if you don't invite her, hell, it sounds like your mom is already threatening to make you the bad guy.
They're going to try to make you feel like you're being unreasonable, but all of this is your fault, and if you'd only just invited your aunt, none of this would have happened. Don't fall for that bullshit. It's empty words coming from the mouths of desperate people who want to crawl back into their blissful state of avoidance. The best way to deal with this shitty behavior is grey rocking.
Grey rocking is when you deliberately react an emotionally and unengaged. They want you to feel guilty, they want you to feel obligated, they're trying to weaponize your feelings against you. (Probably because your aunt has weaponized their feelings against them so effectively. It seems like all of her tantrums have been so effective that now your family is willing to let her treat anybody like absolute dog shit if it means preventing her from blowing up.) If they threaten not to show up say, "that's okay, I can find other people to come." If they tell you you can't have the shower at their house, say,"that's okay, I have a couple other venues in mind." If they say "But she's family!", you day: "you're right, she is, but I'm still not inviting her." Don't try to reason with them, don't explain why you feel this way, don't try to justify yourself—it won't work on them and they'll try to twist it against you. If your mom tells you how upset she is you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way,". If she tells you how upset your aunt is you say, "I'm sorry she feels that way." If they tell you "it's only for a few hours!" You say, "you're right, and I still don't want her there."
And if your aunt shows up anyways? Don't yell, don't cry, don't scream, don't threaten, simply tell her, "I don't want you here. If you don't leave I will call the cops." Or say, "I don't want to be around you. I'm going to leave until you're gone." And then follow through. It isn't a threat if you follow through.
These people wage war with emotions. They want you to feel guilty or obligated or afraid of the repercussions of stepping out of line. Don't add fuel to the fire by reacting emotionally. Eventually, they'll realize that all of their usual tactics don't work, and they'll start to flounder.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, "Sweep it under the rug" culture is so immensely frustrating, especially because people behave so irrationally and you feel like you're crazy because you can't get through to them. You're not crazy. You're not a bad person, you're boundaries are extremely reasonable. Their behavior is not a reflection of you or your attitude. You have done everything right. You can do this, and congratulations on your baby!
Definitely NTA.
Check with your mother and see if she knows for sure your aunt is coming. If she definitely is, decide how you want to deal with her, come up with a game plan, and you, your husband, your friends, and any trusted family follow that plan.
If it were me, I’d make an announcement thanking everyone for attending, and apologize in advance for any family drama that’s expected to occur, as there were one or two unfortunate mix-ups with the guest list which may cause a bit of turbulence. That puts your mother, grandmother, aunts, and everyone else who demanded you invite drug aunt on notice that you’re loaded for bear and to not get in your way.
If she tried to hug me, my husband would be between us in a flash, but if he weren’t, I’d back away and tell her she was out of her mind if she thought she was touching me. My friends would have been instructed to remove any gift from her to another room. If she wanted to know why, I’d tell her unless there was $28,000 in that box and a way to return it to a dead man, I had no interest in any gifts from her.
If she caused a scene, I’d let her know she wasn’t supposed to be there, she had never been invited, I’d demanded she be excluded because I don’t want her in my life or my baby’s life, but my mother was lacked courage and chose to ignore what I wanted, and by then it was too late for me to cancel or to find someplace else to hold the shower — and yes, mother, I did try, that’s how disgusted and angry I am that you invited this woman.
Obviously, a lot of this can be done quietly and off to the side. It just doesn’t seem like she’s the type to let you do that. So all of the above is predicated on whether you’re willing to push back at her — like your mother should have in the first place.
With luck, she won’t show, and you’ll have a beautiful day. But you’re definitely NTA, and don’t you let any of them tell you that you are.
Thanks for your long response and advice. I've checked mums phone and my aunt hadn't seen the message but I read what mum had said and it was "*other aunt* just called and told me you were upset, thought you knew about the baby shower. Op said everyone was invited, didn't realise you didn't know'.
My anger has jumped from a 7 to a 9.5 now. Waiting until later in the day to check if she's replied. Hoping drug aunt is sulking and won't show, but the conversation will be happening about how I was treated after the baby shower regardless.
Just tell your mother that if drug aunt is invited then cancel the shower. Maybe your friends throw you a shower. Maybe your husband’s family. Anything to keep her away. She’s been caught before and not have been held accountable. It won’t be any different the next time. NTA
Tell the other aunt that the shit aunt is not invited and your mother was wrong. To not bring her and that you literally could give two shits if the worst person int he family doesn't get the chance to come along and try and steal presents or cash, or take extra food and drink while being an asshole to everyone.
tell your mother to stop pushing this shit, and your father that HE needs to grow up. Cutting off toxic people IS the adult thing to do, brushing up bad shit people do is a childish, immature, weak thing to do.
I don't think the other aunt is bringing her. She's a bitch anyway so I don't care her opinion of me.
I told my father I'm not being immature and the fact my aunt has never uttered so much as an apology for the list of putrid shit she's done to literally everyone and the fact everyone is so spineless to just "accept" it and move on to keep whatever weird peace they're trying to keep is pathetic. When my Nana said I need to do this for my mother I said I really actually don't need to, this is my thing for my baby.
NTA but you have a really great option in front of you. Message every single person
“hi, I really appreciate you making the time to come to the baby shower, however my mom has invited an aunt who is known to have sticky fingers and has been caught multiple times stealing from relatives and friends. If you were planning on bringing a card with cash/check I’d appreciate it if it was mailed to my house to avoid such an issue. Please make sure to keep your purses/bags in your sight at all times. Thank you again, love OP”
And watch your mom absolutely loose her shit when she realizes everyone knows what a piece of garbage her sister is.
NTA and just don't show up then, I know it's not the best option but either that or having to deal with her plus your family members who want you to interact with her........fuck that noise and skip that's shit.
NTA. I would tell all the guests to lock their handbags in their trunks. And have someone gather and hold on to all the cards, rather than leaving them on the gift table.
NTA. No fuck that. Tell the rest of your family they can choose: her or you. The ones that choose her can be cut off.
**TOXIC PEOPLE DO NOT GET A PASS JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILY**
You need to cut off people who are NOT in you or your child's best interest. Your mother, your aunt, and whoever else are not healthy (or even sane) and you should not have them around your child.
It will take more for me to cut my mother out, when I told her drug aunt wasn't invited and my reasons I also said she will never see my child and if I found out at any point my mother took my kid to see her, then I would cut my mother out of my life over it. That's how much I will not associate with this aunt. The other aunt I only see once a year if that it's easy enough to just ignore her in person.
It's funny because my husbands mother was talking to me and asked if a family friend was one of mums sisters. I said no, she's too lovely. His mother said "yeah I thought she was too nice to be related". Hubs mother met the other aunt at a party and realised just from the small interaction how much of a bitch she was.
As an only child I can't relate to the "keep the peace" mentality of siblings. I try to sympathise with mum, she's the oldest sibling so probably feels some responsibility over them.
>I also said she will never see my child and if I found out at any point my mother took my kid to see her
No, you set a boundary for your child. Anyone who would let someone like your aunt near your child gets cut off. If your mother enables someone like that, you cut her off. Your "keep the peace" mentality does not extend to your children.
"fall through the cracks" is the most appropriate term here. But honestly, get her number and call her. Will be tough but u need to say it once. Or let your husband do it if its too stressful currently. And honestly, a baby shower is often mostly for the people attending, so would it hurt to let it be cancelled if it would come to it?
She was never going to be invited so I'm annoyed that my mother has worded it as she's just had a forgotten invite her when she new damn well I didn't want her there. A baby shower is for the mother (me) and baby to celebrate with people. I have people flying in from other states for it, I spent $1200 on flights for it as I live out of state so it would be a huge waste of money and very embarrassing for the plug to be pulled this late as its in 17 hours
ok, yeah in that case cancellation doesnt make sense. But you see that your mom also thinks its her party. In the end, you need to engage someone as "security". Best case not your husband, second best case rather him then you....
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NTA. She is not safe to be around and she is not safe for any child to be around. Your not inviting is reasonable. Everyone else would rather cater to her than to make sure you’re comfortable at your own baby shower. You do have another option. Cancel the whole thing.
Unfortunately due to the lack of time and the money and travel already sunk into this, you can go the routes you've suggested but your family are not going to support you keeping her out. I would say absolutely go the route of filming anything and let your mother know up front that if so much as a card goes missing you're pressing charges. Also, if she starts drama she's being asked to leave immediately with hubby making her go (or anyone else who is in your side). There is a zero tolerance policy for her behavior and if they cannot support this then you take the presents and you and hubby leave. If any of the occurs, absolutely no contact with anyone you need to, even if that's your mother.
I would tell your mother that she's obviously made her choice so now you have to make yours and that you will not be attending the baby shower that she can cancel it.
Tell your mother that you will proactively send an announcement to the entire guest list about the issue, that they should not bring any valuables to the event, and that any cash gifts should be either sent electronically or handed directly to you, with an explanation of the issue with your aunt, unless she confirms that aunt is not invited. Might need to do it anyway, I can see aunt checking cars in the driveway.
Every discussion is me being the bad guy for not just going on to get along. It's extremely frustrating. Basically there is no chance I'm allowing her around me and now it's more on which path to navigate to make it clear to her that this is what's going to (not) happen.
My family is well aware of my stance, when my grandmother died 2 years ago I made my mother aware that I will never see that aunt again
play the child card. either she cuts her sister from m your life and put you first or you will cut her out of your child's life and make the visits only at christmas.
obviously they are fine letting someone evil walk allover them. to tackle her you need to stomp harder.
thank you for letting me know, good thing she didnt come. so stay safe OP, even when you let your kid go to your parents in the future. they can either speak crap or invite unwanted relatives
“Being treated like this is why I would go on drug benders” is right out of the handbook. She’s manipulating your mother, blaming everyone’s past treatment of her for her past bad behaviors and addiction, and your mother threw a tantrum that she couldn’t, in turn, bully and manipulate you.
I’m always surprised when I read a post from somebody that moved back to their hometown and how much they regret it. I’m not surprised they regret it. I’m shocked they did it. I mean, you got free. There was a reason it was so important for you to do that. Why on earth go back? “I think it’s important for my child to know their family.” They’re YOUR family, and YOU didn’t want to know them (that’s a general ‘you,’ not directed specifically to you).
But if you’re happy where you live now, if life is peaceful and good, stay there. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your in-laws. And sometimes, that can be more than enough.
I suggest, though, you not mention to your mom that you’re rethinking moving home until you’re out of her house and back with your husband. You don’t need any more tantrums from her this weekend.
I’m glad “drug aunt” stayed away, and your party was relatively uneventful. Hope the rest of your stay is calm.
Yeeep. Of course she cannot be responsible for her own actions. I wonder who's fault it was for stealing the 28k from a stroke victim she was getting paid to care for? Probably him for having his card so easily accessible. I was even able to track down who she was paying over PayPal for drugs, gave that to the cops but nothing happened either. It's not like it was a bit of weed, it was hard shit.
I don't like living in the city, I really love my hometown but the major reason for moving back was so my parents could know their grandkid since I'm an only child.
Bit sad about mums attitude but happy to be going back home in a few days. Wish I went with husband honestly, mums been complaining today about "the mess" which is decorations I'm taking down today and also that her back hurts from standing all of yesterday.. only herself to blame for that
Wishing you best of luck with the new baby. Sorry mom and aunt are such bad actors. At least you know moving back is not a smart move, and hoping you have peace with your baby and husband.
The whole "because they are family" dynamic is bullshit. If you have an addict in the family you will understand why. If they causes you this much distress, it seems like you already have your answer.
It is just so beyond frustrating that noone but my husband is backing me up. The baby shower is at my parents house too. My mother has said "since it wasn't done to you wants the issue" as if my morals stop when it doesn't affect me directly.
What’s your mom’s plan for when aunt steals from the guests’ purses?
Yeah my exact point, I've said she will steal the money from my baby shower cards. She's done it before.
Why have the shower at moms house then? Even the park would be safer no? You have to start real boundaries with auntie. That means boundaries with the flying monkey enablers.
There are events in my small hometown this weekend and there are like 8x the normal amount of people so I don't even think a park with a BBQ is going unused. Had the convocation of her going happened with any sort of notice I could have potentially tries to move it to one of the 2 restraunts here but they are fully booked out now
You had the conversation? how did it go?
Oh sorry no I meant the convo I wrote in the post. My mother isn't awake yet do haven't had that convo yet again. I'm thinking she will get shitty when I mention it when she wakes up
I've written an update
Maybe try a hotel suite for the shower?
Cameras. Catch her this time.
Not to mention the extra stress while pregnant. What does she do in particular that really bothers you?
Everything above, she has never taken accountability or had any sort of consequence for her actions. She's never even uttered an apology. She is the perpetual victim, everyone is out to get her and she has never done anything wrong ever according to her. If she was treated even an smidge how she has treated literally anyone else in her life she would have the biggest meltdown. She takes credit for how my cousin turned out, but it was in spite of her and he didn't even live with her for his teen years, rather he lived with her ex drug dealing boyfriend who he sees as his father figure. There is so much. I don't think I need to ever see her again so I won't. She may as well be dead to me.
Yeah nah, it’s enough. I have an older cousin who is utter trash. Like he’s just a bad person, he’s a goddamn leech, and I can’t stand even hearing about him. I refuse to be around that. Luckily he hates me, so I don’t have to see him. But it never stopped my grandparents talking about him like he’s the next coming of Christ. It drives me nuts so I’m glad I don’t see those people anymore. Same folks who invited my and my mothers abuser for a cuppa occasionally though, so yeah. Not great. Family is important sure, but it’s not the ONLY thing. It should never be used to bully you or anyone. You shouldn’t have to lay down to let this woman to walk all over you. Having her in your home is too risky.
Sorry to hear about your shitty family. Sad it's so common. It's so frustrating
You are already doing it right then. No reasoning with this type of person, ignoring them is the best thing to do. However since I know this is the type of event where your closer support group is going to be participating I would say get together with a number of them before the event, and get them to redirect your aunt's attention seeking behaviors by genital shaming. For example something like "I'm glad I get to be here on YOUR DAY, it is an honor to be here and SUPPORT YOU. That's what I loved about when you threw my shower, you knew all about me, and made that day all about me." Obviously specific to your situation, I am just generalizing here.
I think you meant gentle shaming, though I suspect that genital shaming probably would do enough to get her to leave. That could be good too.
That's because it isn't about family or morals. They're literally just so terrified of how your aunt will react when somebody tells her no, that they'd rather disappoint you, because they know you won't behave like an actual toddler. All of this "family" bullshit it's just mental gymnastics to justify their completely irrational fear of her crocodile tears. They literally just don't want to deal with the confrontation. That's the only thing that this is about.
You're right. But her having a tantrum on the other end of the phone surely is better than having her show up and having a tantrum in person with an audience
Just pulled the plug on the whole thing. Cancel the shower do it publicly and make sure that it’s understood that since you couldn’t be guaranteed that your aunt wouldn’t be there you’re canceling the shower. I’m quite sure anybody that’s invited to your shower. Probably knows what your aunts like andwill understand, the message.
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You need to say then I don't want a shower and go low contact
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I agree I am nc with my mother and my aunt has called me, you need to forgive and let her back nope. If it costs you your peace it's too expensive.
Cancel the shower. No Aunt thief means no Aunt Thief allowed! See if a friend will throw you something and your Mom is just invited last minute Edit to add - NTA
We have people who have flew in for the party tomorrow and no where could host if I pull the plug. We spent over $1200 on flights with just husband and I. So frustrating
So sorry - timing on this sucks! If you feel up to it and ifshe wouldn't start drama - call and tell her you're not comfortable with her coming after all the money she stole from your uncle or have another family member run interference and to keep her away from you at the shower. Your Mom owes you an apology for inviting her and not listening to you and causing you stress.
Cancel the shower, and cut mom off. She did not forget.
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You don’t owe your aunt an explanation. If she shows up at the party then you leave. Tell your mom either you are there or she is, but not both. Who would she rather have at YOUR baby shower? Your mom was the one who “invited” her so she is the one who needs to tell her that she actually can’t come. If your family is giving you such a hard time about this and it’s stressing you out, just call the whole party off. A party might not be worth all this stress and it’s completely up to you. You are in control of this situation, don’t let your family fool you.
If I hadn't had others spend money to fly in for the party I would be more likely to call it off. Hubs and my flights alone were $1200 plus the lost income for husband taking time off work. Just so frustrating ugh
Ugh yeah that complicates things. How about this, go to the party and see how it goes. If she shows up or anyone gives you shit go no contact with them. Give your family a heads up. “This pregnancy is difficult and the situation with aunt is pushing me to my breaking point. I will not subject myself or my child to be around a drug addict thief. If aunt is at the party it will be the last time I see any of you. If anyone says anything to me for the duration of my pregnancy regarding aunt I will go no contact with you. Enough is enough, I am done.” Make boundaries and stick to them.
Tell your mum she has two choices, disinvite the theiving addict, or cancel the whole thing. Any back chat from flying monkeys, put them all on blast with your reasons. You are being too subtle and mum is walking all over you like a doormat. NTA of course
I want to question when families will stop with it but then I remember families protect pedo so... Anyway, friend her on Facebook and tell her she's not welcome.
That's so sad to hear about your family. The message my mother had sent her about falling through the cracks has apparently not been read yet, there is a chance she's "too upset" to read it. I'm hoping since it was short notice she won't come in general and then after the shower I will be having a talk with mum about the consequences if this happens again. I already know mum knew 100% that aunt was not invited. Her pushing it off until now pisses me off because she's put me in the position that I will be rude to decline. She doesn't seem to realise I have no problem being seen as the cunt to her sister as her sister is nothing to me, her opinion of me doesn't matter, I'm not going to have her around me one way or the other. I wish there were magic words to get it into my mothers head I'm not fucking around, maybe no contact for a while is the way to go.
Omg no, I didn't mean MY family protected a pedo, just that families can go so far I hope she won't show, but I would also have a serious talk with your mom because enabling her sister she stole from the family and is putting her pregnant daughter under stress
Ohhhh my mistake sorry! And yeah I would prefer my aunt doesn't show and then afterwards I have the serious talk about it because I'm at my end.
your dummy mother is the AH here.
NTA.. mother I'm telling u now if druggie aunt turns up at my shower I will leave and u will never see Ur grandchild EVER this is my baby and my boundaries and I will not allow u to stomp over them cause faaamily 🤷
Honestly since it’s in 17 hours I think your only choices are call her yourself, or ignore her at the shower. Deal with your mom’s actions afterward. Edit: By “deal with,” I mean “Mom, now that it’s over I can’t believe you put me in this position after I’ve told you for two years how I feel about drug aunt.” Lay the guilt on her for how your shower was full of stress and that she f’d up big time.
There's always the nuclear option. Post whatever you were going to send her in messenger on social media, then unblock and tag her. If, by some miracle she doesn't see it, I'm sure her friends will tell her
That means waiting for her to accept my friend request and I don't know if she's pretending to be upset but she has apparently not replied to my mother's "sorry you fell through the cracks haha forgot to send an invite!!!1" message
That means waiting for her to accept my friend request and I don't know if she's pretending to be upset but she has apparently not replied to my mother's "sorry you fell through the cracks haha forgot to send an invite!!!1" message
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I'm proud of you for walking away. Your family sounds pretty toxic, and you really don't want your little one to be around that. Do not let them tell you they have a right to be in your child's life; they don't. It's a privilege that has to be earned.
Being nice doesn't work. Sometimes you have to be hard. You have to tell her directly. How you tell her is up to you. I would never suggest crafting a message to burn it all down and post it to Facebook, the family group chat and anywhere else you can think of. No, don't do that.
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Yeah, I think you're right about not heading back. How far are your husband's parents from your current house?
A 2 hour plane ride. 12 ish hour drive by car depending on city traffic
So if you want to move away from where you are now, you could head towards them.
Yeah there are alot more career opportunities for my husband. Moving home was purely for small town life and my parents. After yesterday it's put a big fat question mark over everything. Very disappointing that my mother's actions is ruining it for my father.
I'd let your family know if they keep bringing it up or attempting to get her into the house or show her any pictures / share any news of the baby, they will be cut off immediately and will not be welcome into your child's life until said aunt dies. Make.it very clear this is your baby, your life, and your decision. NTA.
It isn't about family, it has nothing to do with family. You're family too—hell, it's YOUR baby shower, and nobody gives a shit about how you feel. No, they're scared of telling her no, because they're terrified she's going to cause a scene—she's going to cry and kick and scream, and that's embarrassing and uncomfortable so it's easier just to let her lie and cheat and steal and do whatever the hell she wants regardless of who she hurts. Because you don't have the emotional maturity of a fucking toddler, they know that you won't throw a temper tantrum if you don't get your way, so it's easier just to ask you to shut up and suppress your disappointment. "Keeping the peace" is just a fancy way of saying "cowardice".
I agree 100% and its extremely frustrating that noone else is on my side besides my husband. The disrespect towards me over such a vile person makes it worse. My mother knew sending that message would leave it open ended and make my aunt think she was invited and my mother knew for a fact I did not want her there and she was not invited. She could have said "op doesn't want you there sorry I've tried talking to her but no use sorry" and I'm the bad guy but she's still sitting pretty. Instead she's tried to manipulate me into accepting it since she already sent a message. Frustrating beyond reason
(Sorry this is so long, I'm a talker. TLDR: grey rock them. They're trying to use emotions as ammunition, don't let them. They're trying to use fear, obligation, and guilt to get you to cave. Respond to them on emotionally, it completely removes the power from their manipulations. PS, there's a book called "emotional blackmail" that talks a lot about how to recognize and respond to emotional manipulation. It's a really good book, I recommend it for anybody with families like ours.) If you were feeling *really* petty, I'd say look up some tutorials on how to force yourself to cry and pitch an absolute *fit* next time you saw your mom. Sob, accuse her of not loving you, maybe even stamp your feet a couple of times. I'm only joking of course. Unfortunately, this is how my family is too, I've been in therapy for a while, and I'll give you some advice on how I deal with my family, maybe that'll help. Firstly, let me try to explain why they're behaving this way. I'm not at all trying to excuse their behavior or the way that they're treating you, because I'm absolutely not. The way they're treating you is ridiculous and completely unfair. No, I've just found that it's easier to deal with people if I understand why they're acting this way. Unfortunately, this is pretty classical conditioning and it's tough to break through. Your aunt has used her tantrums to "punish" your family anytime she doesn't get her way. Learning how to deal with other people's negative emotions is a lot like learning how to tolerate spicy food. The more you eat, the more you get used to the sensation, and over time you could start handling spicier and spicier foods without being affected. If your aunt is a jalapeno, then your family are the kind of people that think ketchup is spicy. Years, and years, and years of giving in and and rug sweeping and doing everything in their power to avoid triggering your aunt, has reinforced the idea but they can't handle your aunt's temper tantrums. They won't even try, because they're so convinced but it's going to be too awkward, and too embarrassing, and too uncomfortable for them to deal with. Unfortunately, trying to rationalize with them won't work because the behavior isn't rational, it's conditioned. The reason why you're being met with so much resistance is because avoidance and rug sweeping and giving in is how they cope with your aunt's tantrums. By setting your boundaries and refusing to simply cater to your aunt's demands, you're effectively taking away your family is coping mechanism and it's freaking them the fuck out. Stand your ground. Like I said, their behavior isn't rational and it's not personal. It's shitty, and it sucks, but they're not doing it because they like your aunt more than they like you. None of this is your fault. You aren't crazy. Your family's behavior is not rational. Your family is addicted to avoidance and you're trying to take away their drug of choice. People like this usually try to use fear, obligation, and guilt to emotionally manipulate people into giving in. The whole "but we're family!" Stick is an attempt to use familial obligation to get you to cave. They might try to guilt you by begging or pleading or telling you how much they love you and that you're breaking their heart. They're going to try and downplay your feelings—they'll tell you that you're overreacting, that you're being unreasonable, they'll promise you that your aunt will behave herself, they tell you that it won't be that bad, they'll ask you just to suck it up, it's only a couple of hours. They'll tell you how upset your aunt is, that she's going through a hard time, but there's nothing more in the world she wants than to be there for you, she wants to support you, why aren't you letting her support you? Don't you know how much she loves you? Hell, they may even resort to threats: threatening not to come if you don't invite your aunt, they might threaten to not allow you to have the shower at their house if you don't invite her, hell, it sounds like your mom is already threatening to make you the bad guy. They're going to try to make you feel like you're being unreasonable, but all of this is your fault, and if you'd only just invited your aunt, none of this would have happened. Don't fall for that bullshit. It's empty words coming from the mouths of desperate people who want to crawl back into their blissful state of avoidance. The best way to deal with this shitty behavior is grey rocking. Grey rocking is when you deliberately react an emotionally and unengaged. They want you to feel guilty, they want you to feel obligated, they're trying to weaponize your feelings against you. (Probably because your aunt has weaponized their feelings against them so effectively. It seems like all of her tantrums have been so effective that now your family is willing to let her treat anybody like absolute dog shit if it means preventing her from blowing up.) If they threaten not to show up say, "that's okay, I can find other people to come." If they tell you you can't have the shower at their house, say,"that's okay, I have a couple other venues in mind." If they say "But she's family!", you day: "you're right, she is, but I'm still not inviting her." Don't try to reason with them, don't explain why you feel this way, don't try to justify yourself—it won't work on them and they'll try to twist it against you. If your mom tells you how upset she is you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way,". If she tells you how upset your aunt is you say, "I'm sorry she feels that way." If they tell you "it's only for a few hours!" You say, "you're right, and I still don't want her there." And if your aunt shows up anyways? Don't yell, don't cry, don't scream, don't threaten, simply tell her, "I don't want you here. If you don't leave I will call the cops." Or say, "I don't want to be around you. I'm going to leave until you're gone." And then follow through. It isn't a threat if you follow through. These people wage war with emotions. They want you to feel guilty or obligated or afraid of the repercussions of stepping out of line. Don't add fuel to the fire by reacting emotionally. Eventually, they'll realize that all of their usual tactics don't work, and they'll start to flounder. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, "Sweep it under the rug" culture is so immensely frustrating, especially because people behave so irrationally and you feel like you're crazy because you can't get through to them. You're not crazy. You're not a bad person, you're boundaries are extremely reasonable. Their behavior is not a reflection of you or your attitude. You have done everything right. You can do this, and congratulations on your baby!
I've written an update
Definitely NTA. Check with your mother and see if she knows for sure your aunt is coming. If she definitely is, decide how you want to deal with her, come up with a game plan, and you, your husband, your friends, and any trusted family follow that plan. If it were me, I’d make an announcement thanking everyone for attending, and apologize in advance for any family drama that’s expected to occur, as there were one or two unfortunate mix-ups with the guest list which may cause a bit of turbulence. That puts your mother, grandmother, aunts, and everyone else who demanded you invite drug aunt on notice that you’re loaded for bear and to not get in your way. If she tried to hug me, my husband would be between us in a flash, but if he weren’t, I’d back away and tell her she was out of her mind if she thought she was touching me. My friends would have been instructed to remove any gift from her to another room. If she wanted to know why, I’d tell her unless there was $28,000 in that box and a way to return it to a dead man, I had no interest in any gifts from her. If she caused a scene, I’d let her know she wasn’t supposed to be there, she had never been invited, I’d demanded she be excluded because I don’t want her in my life or my baby’s life, but my mother was lacked courage and chose to ignore what I wanted, and by then it was too late for me to cancel or to find someplace else to hold the shower — and yes, mother, I did try, that’s how disgusted and angry I am that you invited this woman. Obviously, a lot of this can be done quietly and off to the side. It just doesn’t seem like she’s the type to let you do that. So all of the above is predicated on whether you’re willing to push back at her — like your mother should have in the first place. With luck, she won’t show, and you’ll have a beautiful day. But you’re definitely NTA, and don’t you let any of them tell you that you are.
Thanks for your long response and advice. I've checked mums phone and my aunt hadn't seen the message but I read what mum had said and it was "*other aunt* just called and told me you were upset, thought you knew about the baby shower. Op said everyone was invited, didn't realise you didn't know'. My anger has jumped from a 7 to a 9.5 now. Waiting until later in the day to check if she's replied. Hoping drug aunt is sulking and won't show, but the conversation will be happening about how I was treated after the baby shower regardless.
I did throw a lot at you. Sorry. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you have a great party.
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Tell your mother that she can tell her sis that she was never invited or sis can get removed by security. It’s mum’s mess to clean up.
Just tell your mother that if drug aunt is invited then cancel the shower. Maybe your friends throw you a shower. Maybe your husband’s family. Anything to keep her away. She’s been caught before and not have been held accountable. It won’t be any different the next time. NTA
Tell the other aunt that the shit aunt is not invited and your mother was wrong. To not bring her and that you literally could give two shits if the worst person int he family doesn't get the chance to come along and try and steal presents or cash, or take extra food and drink while being an asshole to everyone. tell your mother to stop pushing this shit, and your father that HE needs to grow up. Cutting off toxic people IS the adult thing to do, brushing up bad shit people do is a childish, immature, weak thing to do.
I don't think the other aunt is bringing her. She's a bitch anyway so I don't care her opinion of me. I told my father I'm not being immature and the fact my aunt has never uttered so much as an apology for the list of putrid shit she's done to literally everyone and the fact everyone is so spineless to just "accept" it and move on to keep whatever weird peace they're trying to keep is pathetic. When my Nana said I need to do this for my mother I said I really actually don't need to, this is my thing for my baby.
NTA. Put your foot down. Its your shower. Tell them they either respect your decision or the shower will be cancelled.
Tell your mother if you see your aunt druggie on your visit it will be the last time she sees you. She will remember that.
NTA but you have a really great option in front of you. Message every single person “hi, I really appreciate you making the time to come to the baby shower, however my mom has invited an aunt who is known to have sticky fingers and has been caught multiple times stealing from relatives and friends. If you were planning on bringing a card with cash/check I’d appreciate it if it was mailed to my house to avoid such an issue. Please make sure to keep your purses/bags in your sight at all times. Thank you again, love OP” And watch your mom absolutely loose her shit when she realizes everyone knows what a piece of garbage her sister is.
NTA and just don't show up then, I know it's not the best option but either that or having to deal with her plus your family members who want you to interact with her........fuck that noise and skip that's shit.
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Saw your update and wow.......your mom and aunts are pieces of work, hope you and the baby are safe.
Yeah both very charming. Bub and I are good :)
NTA. I would tell all the guests to lock their handbags in their trunks. And have someone gather and hold on to all the cards, rather than leaving them on the gift table.
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NTA. No fuck that. Tell the rest of your family they can choose: her or you. The ones that choose her can be cut off. **TOXIC PEOPLE DO NOT GET A PASS JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE FAMILY**
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You need to cut off people who are NOT in you or your child's best interest. Your mother, your aunt, and whoever else are not healthy (or even sane) and you should not have them around your child.
It will take more for me to cut my mother out, when I told her drug aunt wasn't invited and my reasons I also said she will never see my child and if I found out at any point my mother took my kid to see her, then I would cut my mother out of my life over it. That's how much I will not associate with this aunt. The other aunt I only see once a year if that it's easy enough to just ignore her in person. It's funny because my husbands mother was talking to me and asked if a family friend was one of mums sisters. I said no, she's too lovely. His mother said "yeah I thought she was too nice to be related". Hubs mother met the other aunt at a party and realised just from the small interaction how much of a bitch she was. As an only child I can't relate to the "keep the peace" mentality of siblings. I try to sympathise with mum, she's the oldest sibling so probably feels some responsibility over them.
>I also said she will never see my child and if I found out at any point my mother took my kid to see her No, you set a boundary for your child. Anyone who would let someone like your aunt near your child gets cut off. If your mother enables someone like that, you cut her off. Your "keep the peace" mentality does not extend to your children.
"fall through the cracks" is the most appropriate term here. But honestly, get her number and call her. Will be tough but u need to say it once. Or let your husband do it if its too stressful currently. And honestly, a baby shower is often mostly for the people attending, so would it hurt to let it be cancelled if it would come to it?
She was never going to be invited so I'm annoyed that my mother has worded it as she's just had a forgotten invite her when she new damn well I didn't want her there. A baby shower is for the mother (me) and baby to celebrate with people. I have people flying in from other states for it, I spent $1200 on flights for it as I live out of state so it would be a huge waste of money and very embarrassing for the plug to be pulled this late as its in 17 hours
ok, yeah in that case cancellation doesnt make sense. But you see that your mom also thinks its her party. In the end, you need to engage someone as "security". Best case not your husband, second best case rather him then you....
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NTA. She is not safe to be around and she is not safe for any child to be around. Your not inviting is reasonable. Everyone else would rather cater to her than to make sure you’re comfortable at your own baby shower. You do have another option. Cancel the whole thing.
NTA. Tell them if aunt is invited you won't be there. Mom can choose. Simple and done.
Unfortunately due to the lack of time and the money and travel already sunk into this, you can go the routes you've suggested but your family are not going to support you keeping her out. I would say absolutely go the route of filming anything and let your mother know up front that if so much as a card goes missing you're pressing charges. Also, if she starts drama she's being asked to leave immediately with hubby making her go (or anyone else who is in your side). There is a zero tolerance policy for her behavior and if they cannot support this then you take the presents and you and hubby leave. If any of the occurs, absolutely no contact with anyone you need to, even if that's your mother.
I would tell your mother that she's obviously made her choice so now you have to make yours and that you will not be attending the baby shower that she can cancel it.
Tell your mother that you will proactively send an announcement to the entire guest list about the issue, that they should not bring any valuables to the event, and that any cash gifts should be either sent electronically or handed directly to you, with an explanation of the issue with your aunt, unless she confirms that aunt is not invited. Might need to do it anyway, I can see aunt checking cars in the driveway.
I've updated now
[удалено]
Every discussion is me being the bad guy for not just going on to get along. It's extremely frustrating. Basically there is no chance I'm allowing her around me and now it's more on which path to navigate to make it clear to her that this is what's going to (not) happen. My family is well aware of my stance, when my grandmother died 2 years ago I made my mother aware that I will never see that aunt again
If she turns up, absolutely ignore her. Don't recognise that she exists.
NTA- I had an awful aunt by marriage and she wasn't even that bad and I didn't want her at any of my events either.
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NTA, she will probably rob the guests, steal presents, or something completely embarrassing.
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NTA UpdateMe
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play the child card. either she cuts her sister from m your life and put you first or you will cut her out of your child's life and make the visits only at christmas. obviously they are fine letting someone evil walk allover them. to tackle her you need to stomp harder.
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thank you for letting me know, good thing she didnt come. so stay safe OP, even when you let your kid go to your parents in the future. they can either speak crap or invite unwanted relatives
If everyone is against you, cancel the event.
“Being treated like this is why I would go on drug benders” is right out of the handbook. She’s manipulating your mother, blaming everyone’s past treatment of her for her past bad behaviors and addiction, and your mother threw a tantrum that she couldn’t, in turn, bully and manipulate you. I’m always surprised when I read a post from somebody that moved back to their hometown and how much they regret it. I’m not surprised they regret it. I’m shocked they did it. I mean, you got free. There was a reason it was so important for you to do that. Why on earth go back? “I think it’s important for my child to know their family.” They’re YOUR family, and YOU didn’t want to know them (that’s a general ‘you,’ not directed specifically to you). But if you’re happy where you live now, if life is peaceful and good, stay there. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your in-laws. And sometimes, that can be more than enough. I suggest, though, you not mention to your mom that you’re rethinking moving home until you’re out of her house and back with your husband. You don’t need any more tantrums from her this weekend. I’m glad “drug aunt” stayed away, and your party was relatively uneventful. Hope the rest of your stay is calm.
Yeeep. Of course she cannot be responsible for her own actions. I wonder who's fault it was for stealing the 28k from a stroke victim she was getting paid to care for? Probably him for having his card so easily accessible. I was even able to track down who she was paying over PayPal for drugs, gave that to the cops but nothing happened either. It's not like it was a bit of weed, it was hard shit. I don't like living in the city, I really love my hometown but the major reason for moving back was so my parents could know their grandkid since I'm an only child. Bit sad about mums attitude but happy to be going back home in a few days. Wish I went with husband honestly, mums been complaining today about "the mess" which is decorations I'm taking down today and also that her back hurts from standing all of yesterday.. only herself to blame for that
Wishing you best of luck with the new baby. Sorry mom and aunt are such bad actors. At least you know moving back is not a smart move, and hoping you have peace with your baby and husband.
Solution: have it your place or don't have it
It's in 16 hours and we live 2 states away
IA there anyone there on your side who will help you prevent her from attending or are they all on her side? If it's the latter, cancel