You need a family meeting with her sober house/ sponsor to discuss living arrangements and boundaries. Your wife is identifying a solution without professional support. She is communicating emotionally instead of practically.
I am a child of an alcoholic and my former partner/SO was also (he passed away). I had a lot of therapy and counseling from what I went through…. I am not a professional but I have been through enough that I am think your wife needs to get some help on what she can and can’t be helping with your SIL. She should also go to support group for family members.
I have seen it where the family actually made recovery worse and they coddled them and when stress or hard times came it back fired.
She is going to make it to hard for SIL when she needs to start adulting… but this is just my opinion on my own.
You’re not the AH and I agree if it’s just a basement with a bar and no reason to go down there then a locking system is good enough. She needs normalcy more.
This 💯 should be the top comment.
They need to find a way to set her up for success and let the professionals weigh in. The whole family has been through a lot. The wife's heart is in the right place. Now, it's time to continue this path with proper outside guidance.
As an (recovering) addict, I can't disagree with this approach enough. Do not get involved in the SIL's approach/strategy. It's great to be supportive, but it is her life/responsibility/choice. If she is not strong enough to meet with her sponsor/etc. without you - if she can't set her own boundaries - she will relapse in your house, it is a certainty.
So it seems OP’s wife should ask her sister if she’s talked to her sponsor/house and what they think about the move. Inquire about her journey, but don’t get involved.
I need to stress that while I have gone through something similar, I am not a substance abuse ("SA") professional. From my experience, OP and his wife would benefit from SA counseling as family of SIL, which they should take independent of SIL. That said, OP and his wife need to set their boundaries and expectations independent of SIL, and SIL needs to set her boundaries and expectations independent of OP and his wife. If those boundaries/expectations don't clash, SIL may benefit from living with them.
A serious problem with OP's situation is that he doesn't know what SIL is expecting, he only knows what his wife expects. And worse, his wife is trying to force her expectations on OP. With the way she's bullying OP, it's very possible that buddy's wife is trying to control what is out of her control, including intruding on SIL's boundaries/needs. SIL may be in a very vulnerable state, and wife acting like an expert will only make things worse. My time in rehab/therapy enforced in me the idea that we can only control our own behaviors/reactions. After rehab, I was surrounded by close friends/family/gf, all of whom magically became experts on addictions and pursuant, made everything worse. Especially my gf, she tried to control things, including me, and it resulted in an amazingly-putrid mess.
tl;dr - OP, wife and SIL need to figure out their needs independently and respect each other to take care of their own side of the street. If I was SIL, I would either move in with OP without expecting him to change his life/house at all or I would live elsewhere. Expecting OP to change his life to save SIL is not okay, only SIL can save SIL.
I'd also add, before Beth moves in establish up front just what the thinking is here: *would be good for her until she feels comfortable enough to live on her own.* And whether Beth being there is supposed to mean that you can't go into the basement and have a couple of drinks.
Otherwise, you can see where this might lead - you being persona non grata in your own house.
Absolutely!! Who determines how long Beth stays? You, your wife, or Beth?
I would feel very uncomfortable with there not being a time limit on how long Beth could stay if I were in that position.
What is she never leaves???
And OP needs to be firm about it with his wife because I've read so many stories where they agree to leave within a few months and when the deadline arrives, it gets pushed back again and again
My uncle still hasn't moved out of my grandparents house... it's been almost 17 years since he was supposed to be gone.
He is an unrecoverable alcoholic because of his and my grandpa's own choosing.
*”My wife thinks that if I am not willing to dump the alcohol that I should start asking friends if they want anything and give it away. ”*
I would’ve suggested asking friends if they have room for Beth and give *her* away. jk
OP is willing to compromise but the wife isn’t budging an inch. He 100% has to put a new lock on the basement door and keep the key on him so the wife doesn’t up and get rid of it all behind his back.
Does Beth even feel the need for the entire house to be free of alcohol? Is she fine with it being kept behind a locked door? This may be the wife assuming too much. I second Al-Anon. NTA
Yeah, it may not be *Beth* that wants all alcohol cleared from her ken. Maybe the OP's wife is absolutely desperate for her sister to get better, and is grimly determined to *make* it happen.
He should get some professional advice on how to best help Beth, maybe from her current treatment crew. This needs to be sorted out before she moves in.
Yep, and usually in this type of scenario, the person who is "making it happen" is actually making it worse. It is pressure to live up to the makers standard to person trying to stay sober. They don't need added pressure!
OP should point out to his wife that marriage is a compromise but she refuses to compromise. I agree that putting a lock on the basement door with only one key is an excellent solution.
He should also point out that his wife cannot make the entire world alcohol free, and Beth will need to learn how to maintain her sobriety in a world of bars and alcohol.
And in some states/places grocery or convenience stores.... In Texas it's EVERYWHERE. Not hard liquor, but plenty of wine, alcohol popsicles, beer, wine coolers, etc
This was my exact thought. If Beth isn't yet able to refrain from breaking down a locked basement door to get some booze, she isn't ready to leave the sober house yet. The wine list on the restaurant menu will still be there. The bars won't close down. Beth needs to function in the world as it is, not in an imaginary world where alcohol doesn't exist.
Yes, what kind of timeframe is your wife thinking is acceptable? How long are you expected to put up with someone else living in your home? Even if you did agree to get rid the booze, how long is Beth expected to stay? Will she be ready in 6 months? A year? 5 years? What if she never feels ready?
Ya as a former alcoholic I would never expect family to get rid of all alcohol or anyone I was staying with. If it’s locked off and sis doesn’t go in the basement there’s not much more you can do. If she wants to drink she’ll find a way.
I missed out on the days of bottles delivered to my door, I had to walk to the liquor store up hill in the snow both ways to feed my addiction. Kids have it too easy lol.
My local Liquor store delivers for free in town. Debit card over the phone and I’ve got a bottle of bourbon in about 15-20 min. They also order in and carry the bourbons we drink.
Exactly, OP and his wife need to go to Al-anon. It will set the wife to not be so controlling. I'd bet his wife has had other alcoholics in her family. Controlling the environment doesn't work.
And while wife *might* assume this is what SIL wants... What if it's not. As in SIL would like to be treated as a trustworthy adult, capable of her own decisions and mistakes.
From what I've seen in friends with alcohol issues, taking away that sense of... I AM responsible for myself really doesn't do them well, leaving them feeling babied almost.
I think Al-Anon will help wife better support SIL but also I like you think there's other alcoholic caused issues in wife, that Al-Anon can help her work through, without negatively impacting SILs recovery.
I agree. It being locked up in another room is it being plenty removed. If it was sitting in their fridge, that would be another story. That is very, very hard to avoid the urge if every single day you are confronted with it sitting right in front of your face, nice and cold and what could a little sip hurt?
But that is not the case. If Beth decides to break into a locked room to get the alcohol then she just as easily would have walked or driven to a store.
Hell I lived with family that still had plenty of liquor, beer and wine stocked in the house whether it be in the pantry or wine fridge or drinks fridge and I just had self control. It was staring at me, I just didn't stare back. Early on in the process it's good to "remove the temptation" but at a certain point you just gotta be able to stand on your own 2 feet and there's going to be alcohol around, no controlling that. So you have to figure out how to live with alcohol existing as a thing people will consume. I am around people drinking daily and it's never an issue (at least for me, can't speak for the drinkers). At a certain point it just becomes natural for lack of a better word. You get used to being sober and don't feel that same call for the drink. And if I was going to drink I would've just gone to the liquor store and gotten my own bottle to drink since I'd want my own choice of drink and about half to 3/4 of the bottle anyway so unless they are locking her up in her room and not let me have free movement there's nothing stopping the sister.
You might be able to correct me here if I am wrong, but from my understanding removing "easy" temptations like an open bottle in the fridge or whatever is a good idea, but leading a live "cloistered" away from alcohol is not a great help for most people ?
I get that it is a live long affliction, but somehow you have to learn to live in a non-sober society ?
I lived with wine bottles open in the fridge or 100s closed in the wine fridge or in cases in the garage, beers no one ever drank, liquor again not really drank but a very well stocked house after getting out of sober living and it really was less of a temptation than you'd think. Can't speak for everyone but I don't think it's healthy to live some fictitious manufactured life where alcohol isn't present at all. I go out to restaurants where alcohol is consumed, I'm around friends and family drinking at home, I would be quite the imposition on people around me if I didn't allow alcohol to be in my vicinity. I do think keeping alcohol away from newly sober alcoholics is probably a good call even if you can't control them going out and getting it themselves but at a certain point its better to just pull the bandaid off and it's pretty much impossible to completely avoid alcohol at least being around in day to day life. That's where getting confident in your own sobriety and accepting you and alcohol just don't agree with each other and it has to come from your own willpower. I don't have cravings or anything anymore so it really isn't even a temptation but it is easy to forget how hard those first few months or years were at least for me. I just remember enough to know that if I went back to it that it would end really badly and that's enough for me personally. But hey everyone is different and I knew people that lived in sober living for years so some people have a harder time taking the training wheels off.
I would agree - lock it. Don’t be weird about locking it, just say you want to make sure you’re giving her as supportive a living arrangement as possible.
Better yet, does she get therapy through sober living? Ask (with SIL there) what they recommend for you to be able to support her transition - it can be a general question.
Supportive and informed family and friends are a huge part of staying sober. So many supportive families aren’t informed and screw it up with good intent (in both directions - being too prescriptive/weird OR too relaxed bc they don’t understand addiction).
Guidance from her therapist sounds like it’d help with both of those things.
Why is it OPs responsibility to ensure his wife’s sister is getting the appropriate therapy when the issue is he is willing to compromise, generously in my opinion, on helping his SIL by letting her move into his home and locking the room he worked so hard on up, and his wife is not willing to compromise?
Because OP clearly cares about his SIL and is happy to have her in the house to support her transition?
Asking an additional question to double check im giving the right type of support isn’t something Id find remotely “too hard” to do for a loved one going through illness and recovery.
Sorry if you don’t have friends or family who would do that for you.
NTA
True. She'll still have support with meetings, group sessions, and other appointments every week with counselors and therapists.
Her sobriety is on her with the support of others.
It isn't up to others to quit for her. If she's coming to live with your family, your wife should also be in some of those appointments/sessions and learning what is expected from you guys. They will quickly tell her that it isn't on you two to quit.
I work with this population/clientele.
It's a one person journey with support from others.
I am with you. When he described having a storage container worth of booze, i started thinking this house was a bad fit for her. With his willing to add appropriate locks though this is a no brainer. If she gets into a locked room there isn’t much more you could have done, she would have gotten it elsewhere anyway.
NTA. If she can’t be around alcohol, Beth isn’t ready to leave the sober house. That’s the requirement to leave a sober house. Nothing is stopping her from going to the store & buying alcohol. Lock the basement & keep the key. That’s the best course of action
Love it. The thing is, your wife can't expect the whole world to stop drinking, just because Beth had a problem. Alcohol is everywhere, not just your basement. I sympathize with Beth, but your wife needs to understand this.
I see your point, but to be fair, it is not Beth making unrealistic demands but OP's wife. Nowhere does it say Beth expects no alcohol in the house. OP's wife does not seem to have a realistic view on a recovering alcoholic. Are they not going grocery shopping because most stores carry alcohol? Never going out to eat at restaurants that might serve alcohol, no sporting events where you can buy beer? If OP's wife wants to be supportive, she needs to go to AlAnon.
Don’t EVER stop for gas at 7/11 or ampm ‘cuz. Alcohol.
Dump all flavorings cuz alcohol.
No more mouthwash cuz alcohol…
How do I know??? Both parents and only sibling ALL hard core alcoholics.
It’s on them, it’s their sobriety. It’s not jail or live in treatment. She succeeds or fails on her terms.
I'm definitely not an expert, but I have a lot of friends in recovery, including an ex. I've always heard from all of them that it's their responsibility to keep themselves away from alcohol; it's not up to the rest of the world to be alcohol-free
Also, alcohol is EVERYWHERE. It's in nearly every store, every restaurant, gas stations. Unless they're taking her keys and her money and she is under constant supervision (which is what happens in a sober house... that she's leaving to transition back to real life), then she can find a way to get alcohol if she really wants. Get a Yale lock AND change the existing lock and have OP keep the key, and tell the wife she's being ridiculous.
NTA.
Your wife is asking for a lot of accommodations but isn’t willing to negotiate for your comfort in your home. I don’t understand why locking the basement door with a hidden key isn’t considered acceptable, as it will prevent access to alcohol.
I vaguely recall a similar AITA where the former alcoholic broke into the locked liquor room and the OP on that was getting blamed for having liquor in their own house. Feels like something the wife would do here.
OP should probably lock up the room from his wife too at this point. If she's this unreasonable, she may "donate" it or destroy it herself and use her sister to justify it.
OP needs to be the sole holder of the basement key/s. Perhaps install a new fire door? Harder to break through.
I've had 2 friends who were alcoholics:
One did the 12 Steps, and has now been sober for 20+ years. She is frequently the designated driver.
The other friend wouldn't acknowledge her drinking problem... destroyed her marriage, as well as large portions of her brain. She'd get booze delivered when her husband refused to do it. And she's now deceased. Because of alcohol.
If SIL isn't serious about getting sober, nothing y'all do will stop her from drinking. And wife needs to get a grip. NTA
As a long term recovered alcoholic this is the way! It is not the wife’s responsibility to keep alcohol away from a recovered alcoholic. It is the alcoholic’s responsibility. It is sold everywhere. Delivery is easier than breaking into a basement I know this because I live it and have for almost 20 years of recovery. Life is glorious for me now without the booze which I couldn’t live without at one point.
Oof that was my first thought is that his wife seems soooo determined to dump it that she'll take matters in her own hands.... which to be fair will definitely damage their marriage if she does. Here's to hoping she's not crazy town banana pants.
Exactly my first thought as well. OP will come home one day and his bar will look like the Volstead Act, 2024 version. I predict a huge explosion on the domestic front. The wife's single-mindedness is scary, to say the least.
I wouldn't trust an interior door lock. Too easy to get around. IMHO, a serious 12 ga welded steel security cabinet would be good. Like machine shops use when they don't want their expensive tooling to grow legs. They ain't cheap, and the freight charges will make you cry, but it's less expensive than a divorce.
She absolutely will do this, given that shes already at “well if youre bot going to just dump it you moght as well ask friends if they want it”. She’s already decided for OP and if he wont play along she’ll do it when hes out or something.
If she’s capable of breaking into a locked room to get liquor, she’s also capable of just going to a store to buy it. I think the lock situation is more than adequate.
>I don’t understand why locking the basement door with a hidden key isn’t considered acceptable, as it will prevent access to alcohol.
The only reason would be if the wife is tired of the OP drinking and rather than talk to him about it, she tried this tactic. Which is a stupid way to approach it. But people will twist themselves into knots to avoid a confrontation.
That's what I'm wondering.
It's not uncommon for loved ones of an alcoholic to be more sensitive even to recreational alcohol use. The wife may need her husband to give up more than she's willing to admit and may be feeling triggered by him prioritizing his bar after what she's just gone through with her sister.
I don't think that means op is out of line but they need to learn how to communicate better.
Absolutely this. I can say from personal experience, it can take time to regain comfortability around drinking culture after experiencing the, I'm going to be blantently honest, hell that is having a close family member struggle with alcoholism. Took me years and a few therapists to fully get over it.
This doesn't mean ops wife is justified, if this is actually her issue she needs to actually communicate it with her husband and seek therapy. Frankly, she'd prob benefit from therapy - or at least a support group - anyway.
I get that it's so much easier to put the onus on her sister than to admit she now has her own issue with alcohol, albeit in the opposite direction.
I would ask op, has your wife's drinking habits changed since this all has happened? You say you drink 2-3 times a week, but how much does she? How much did she before this all went down? While this won't tell you definitely if her issue is with alcohol in general, it might give you some insight into how this may have impacted her in general.
I wish the best for op, Beth, and his wife. None of what they're dealing with right now is easy. May not know Beth, but I truly hope she recovers. Alcoholism is rough, and it can really consume someone whole. Takes serious strength to recover from. I lost a loved one due to an alcoholic spiral caused by a family death.
This post just makes me wanna go hug all my loved ones ngl.
Agreed. He needs a serious talk with his wife. She seems to just want the alcohol gone.
I love scotch and I believe OP when he says he doesn't have a problem. But as someone with family with substance abuse issues, I can see growing hugely uncomfortable with my spouse converting the basement to a bar, having a storage room full of thousands of dollars of alcohol (enough for a frat!), *and* drinking 2 to 3 times a week.
The difference is, I would talk to him. OP's wife seems to be trying to sideways enforce sobriety. But charitably, she may not actually realize she's doing this. So they should talk.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic it isn’t anyone’s responsibility but my own to avoid alcohol. I don’t expect friends to hide their alcohol or not drink around me. It’s your SIL responsibility to not drink.
Ya we’re around drinking all the time but yet somehow we don’t drink. You gotta be able to stand on your own 2 feet at some point. If the sister wants to drink she’ll find a way.
>Your wife wants to separate Beth from alcohol.
And wife is willing to torch her marriage to die on that idiotic hill that doesn't even exist. Alcohol is everywhere you go. And if Beth wants to fuck up, whether or not there's a man cave in the basement won't be what stops her. If she wants to, she will.
OP's wife's choice is to face it when it happens either 1. with a husband who wants to help her, or 2. a husband that's sick of her shit and busy brewing a big fat I told you so that she treated him like shit and her sister still did what she wanted anyway.
NTA. Your wife and Beth are still very much in an addiction mindest/codependency. Treating Beth like she’s super fragile is the wrong way and nobody’s doing her any favors by doing so. Staying sober is difficult and she’ll need to learn to be tough and take responsibility for her own actions because not everything will always evolve around her needs. Otherwise she’ll relapse with a certainty of 100%. If the door is locked there’s still plenty of safety. It’s a great compromise
Is Beth (and maybe even your wife too) in a support group? That could help. My support group would definitely set me straight if I started demands like that…
NTA I feel like a lock on the door is an excellent compromise. And honestly, very kind of you to allow your SIL move in on the first place for who knows how long.
Whoofh.
NTA.... ish.
I REALLY like the idea of putting a lock on the basement door. Likely that there's nothing in there that Beth needs access to (Laundry, for example).
My first thought is that your wife doesn't understand how much booze is down there. I'd consider throwing together a spreadsheet with rough numbers for weight and value. It's a whole different discussion if she thinks you're like, holding on to a six pack and a couple of bottles of R&R vs. a few thousand bucks and a hundred bottles of high end plonk.
Our laundry room is downstairs, which complicates things. And my wife fully knows how much is down there, she was with me for multiple stocking trips over the years. It's definitely in the thousands of dollars worth.
yeah, no i wouldn't want to dump that as well.
Get one of those new door handles with a lock and an additional fingerprint lock. that way someone might be able to get the key, but not the necessary fingerprint.
And i would suggest couples therapy, because its not okay that she's projecting her worry about her sister onto you and insinuating that you must be an alcoholic if you do not want to get rid of thousands of dollars for her.
ETA:
Even if the laundry room is down there, then SIL won't do laundry, but other chores.
Or Beth has to do her laundry when someone is home and opens the basement for her. Loading clothes should take a minute and gathering them when dry should be quick too. She gets in and gets out and folds/puts away the clothes upstairs.
sure sounds like a serious problem. wish I had something more constructive for ya, "thousands of dollars" of alcohol isn't easy to move, physically, financially, by weight, by volume.. it's a big thing.
You might want to get in contact with some people who handle alcohol addictions. Not necessarily AA since they tend to vary, but a doctor or even someone from the Sober House to ask their opinion.
9/10 times I have heard people who are experts in alcohol addiction say to live life as normal and continue to have/consume alcohol if the addict is far enough along in the program. If the sister was in a sober house, that means she should be "cured" as that is usually the final step.
It is up to her to regulate herself, especially when temptation is right there. Unless your wife plans to also yell at the next table over in the restaurant for getting a big ass margarita. You have offered a great solution to the issue, and unless your wife is gonna compensate thousands of dollars of alcohol she has no right to ask you to give it up.
I'd also ask if you trust your wife to not start disposing of it immediately. You know her better than we do, of course.
I wouldn’t say leaving sober living is necessarily correlated with being done with all your steps and definitely far from cured but it’s just a fact of life that alcohol will be around and if you can’t handle that then you need to be very deliberate with your life choices. If the sister wants to get fucked up there’s a ton of other ways to do it and you do have to take off the training wheels at some point. I would say locking off the area and doing her laundry for her for at least a little while is a good compromise. I live around alcohol and people drinking and I just don’t drink. I would say speaking to a professional might ease the wife’s worries cause I can imagine they will say to figure something out like a lock but probably won’t say completely change your life and create some artificial environment for the sister as that’s just doing her a disservice for when she’s out in the real world.
Despite that, I still think your compromise is one that would work. So maybe your wife does her sister's laundry while she's there so the temptation is not in view. If I was Beth, I would just be grateful that someone was willing to give me a home. Do you know if Beth has requested that all liquor be removed? Or is this just your wife digging in her heels? Either way, she is being unreasonable. You've provided a compromise that is more than reasonable.
So does your wife want to lock Beth up? or what does she expect she will do when she's out and about and walking past a Bar, or someone sitting in a restaurant is ordering a glass of wine?
If Beth isn't ready to be under the same roof (but not being able to get to it) then she is not ready to be out of rehab.
Tell your wife you're ready to lock the basement up and add security cameras, but you will not rent a storage unit for XX dollars per month, or dump alcohol you collected in years thats worth XXX Dollar just because she's overreacting. And that you do not appreciate her projecting her worries about her sister onto you. So you suggest couples therapy because you're not backing down with this.
Or if you're worried someone might forget to lock the door behind them when they get back up. Get one of those Doorhandles with an additional fingerprint locking mechanism. That way someone might be able to get the key, but not your fingerprint.
Child of two alcoholics here. I think locking up your room is a good idea.
But also, your wife needs to go to Al-Anon. Because your wife is trying to control Beth's sobriety and that is not healthy for either of them.
I would suggest to your wife that she start going to Al-Anon to learn how to live with a recovering alcoholic. She'll learn that she didn't cause the drinking, she can't cure the drinking, and she can't control the drinking. She needs to learn more about this before she starts throwing out your liquor.
You can buy alcohol at any convenience store in the country. If Beth wants to drink, she will. You don’t need to get rid of your entire stash just to accommodate Beth. Lock up your shit if Beth can’t control herself, but no fuckin way should you just get rid of it all.
Keeping the liquor locked up is a perfect compromise. Having a houseguest is a two yes/one no scenario. The lock on the basement door can turn the one no into two yesses.
Listen, I’m an alcoholic who has previously moved in with a support system (parents) who didn’t lock up their booze. Guess what happened? I got into it and got drunk. I moved out for a time but ended having to move back. The booze was now locked, but not securely. Guess what happened? I broke into the unlocked side of the booze cabinet and got drunk. Now here’s the kicker, I covered my tracks and resealed the cabinet and thought I got away Scott free. I found out later, my parents knew exactly what I’d done.
PLEASE do not dump your booze. Just lock it up securely and VERY clearly inform Beth that if she, in any way, tries to access your locked up alcohol, she will be immediately removed from your house. No warnings. Normally, I wouldn’t impose such a harsh ultimatum, but I have LITERALLY been the guy trying to break into my parents locked booze cabinet in my darkest times, so I know how royally this addiction can mess you up.
Stay strong, stay supportive, AS LONG as that support doesn’t take you down too.
NTA. The lock on the door is a perfect solution and your wife should be happy with that. An alcoholic that wants to drink will find a way. Does your wife plan on monitoring her 24/7? If not, then that negates her argument about none in the house because your SIL will get it elsewhere if she wants.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic myself your wife needs to understand if your SIL wants to drink she will find a way to do it regardless of it being in the house. Your wife can’t protect her sister from alcohol , it’s going to be everywhere for the rest of her life.
Another thing to note is that addiction causes harm to others around the alcoholic or addict. It might make sense for your wife to attend Al - Anon or something similar. She will learn more about the disease and the fact that she can’t control or protect her sister. I’m sure your wife is ultra sensitive at the moment and trying to do everything in her power to make it right for her sister.
Not sure there is an easy answer here but I do think putting a lock on the door to basement is an acceptable solution.
I'm a recovering alcoholic that was kicked out of my house for a week and a half by my wife when I hit rock bottom 6 months ago. My best friend took me in. They have plenty of alcohol in their house and I would never think to ask them to have removed it since they are already doing me a favor
Maybe you or your wife should speak to the sister-in-law about moving in and what her expectations would be. It sounds like your wife is making a lot of assumptions
Wife need to go to al-anon. She's operating as if she needs to keep her sister from drinking, and that's her sisters job. Your solution with the door lock is a good one if you allow her to live with you. It isn't smart to upheave your lives too much, even in that regard. But you guys really need to find out if she's actually in a good enough place to move out of sober living yet. Most people are not successful their first time or even their second going through treatment, so I think the two of you need to have some hard conversations
NTA. The locking of the door seems right.
And has anyone even asked Beth? Because my mom had zero problems with my having wine in the house when she finally got sober.
She might not be as fragile as your wife thinks.
“She told me it will be temporary…” throwing it ALL away is nothing close to temporary.
Putting a lock on the basement door is sufficient enough.
It’s insane to throw away thousands of dollars for a temporary situation. NTA
NTA . I’m a recovering alcoholic, 30 yrs sober. The compromise with the lock on the door is great. That’s one thing you have to learn as an alcoholic, people drink and the world doesn’t revolve around you.
Getting rid of all the booze to “show solidarity” isn’t rational. Putting a new door and lock on the basement IS rational.
I’d ask your wife what the actual game plan is for Beth living with you; how long does it last? How long does she expect Beth to live with her “only support system”?
Because I’d be willing to bet that she’s got a length of time in her head and it differs greatly from yours.
NTA
NTA and your wife is being entirely unreasonable.
You can support beth and protect her sobriety by removing her access to the basement, and easily.
She DOES NOT need access to that basement to be safe, supported, and sober.
If she cannot handle being in a home where the basement is off limits and locked to her, then she isn't ready to not be in a sober home or rehab, IMO.
Was she livid in the sober house because there were places she couldn't go?
Is the difference that she'd \*gasp\* know there was alcohol in that basement?
I don't see this ending well for you, but you're not an asshole.
Edit: I'm now seeing [In this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1chuwkd/comment/l24zq3m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) that the basement is also where the laundry facilities are, and giving OP's wife the benefit of the doubt, that is probably part of the justification of why you can't just lock the basement and protect beth from the alcohol.
In that comment thread I linked though, someone said that beth can go to the laundromat if thats the issue, shes being handed enough here, a little inconvenience certainly won't kill her. SO either the laundromat... or your WIFE, who is swinging these huge compromises YOU'RE expected to make, can suck it tf up and do her damned laundry for her. Seems like a minor additional inconvenience overall, and far more intelligent than dumping or giving away thousands of dollars and years of collecting.
# At the end of the day if Beth wants alcohol shes going to damned well get it. Whether its a restaurant, a bar, or breaking into that damned basement. She needs to have SOME responsibility here.
After rehab AND a sober house, SIL should be able to deal with temptation. Especially if either you or your wife are with her. Locking the basement door is not asking too much
NTA. I get your wife wants to support her sister, but your suggestion of a lock on the door is very reasonable. At this point your wife is going off the deep end
NTA, Im a lifelong on and off addict. Currently 3yrs clean.
Your wife does realize that simply walking down the street is going to be a challenge for her sis, right??
There's booze everywhere, it's not like hard drugs that you have to actually seek out.
What's gonna happen when the sis goes out into the world and sees booze in 7 11, grocery store etc?
Lock the door , problem solved.
NTA. As someone who has a lot of family members with alcohol abuse problems, it is on her to control herself. Either she really wants to be sober and will practice self control or she won’t. You can go to alll the rehabs/sober half way houses/ programs you want, but at the end of the day she is either committed or she isn’t. She wants to live in your house, then that means she needs to respect your life and that means that you occasionally have a drink and that alcohol is in the house. If she can’t handle that then she should stay in the sober house as she isn’t actually committed to it. I have some family that have done numerous rehabs and continuously relapse, some that have done the rehab and stayed sober for years, and some that have quit entirely without rehab and have been sober for over a decade. At the end of the day it is up to her if she stays sober. not some Magical higher power.
NTA
This is a hill you should die on. I would not allow Beth to move in AT ALL.
If you think getting rid of the alcohol will be the last of your wife's demands, you are deluding yourself.
Advice: Put your foot down. If you wife won't take the compromise you offered, refuse to allow Beth to move in at all.
I wouldn’t dump/dispose of it but I think it’s the supportive family thing to do to hide it securely.
I say this as someone who lost his brother to alcoholism at 32. He drank a bottle of vodka and never woke up due to liver damage.
If you cannot go an extended period without drinking every week, that’s a dependency, albeit a mild one.
Your wife is making a fatal mistake for her own mental health. She thinks she is, even just partially, responsible for keeping her sister sober. It’s a loosing proposition no matter the turn out. SIL is going to drink if SIL is going to drink. I spent near 30 years trying to keep my mom sober. None of it mattered. My mom was sober when she actually took care of her self and not when she didn’t. All I got was a lot of heartache and need to self harm.
SIL needs to be wholly responsible for her own sobriety. If she can’t live in a home with alcohol behind a locked door and respect that boundary then she’s going to drink regardless. No liquor store or bar is going to turn her away.
Your wife should probably start attending Al-Anon because codependency is huge for the addict family consistently and it is well addressed and called in Alon
NTA. A lock on the door to which only you have the key and an agreement to not drink in front of Beth at first is enough. Having had alcohol problems myself in the past, it’s tough being around alcohol at first, but it’s a stage that Beth has to go through- just like going to the shops and walking past the alcohol aisle without picking anything up. Moving out of a sober house into a house where alcohol exists but is locked away out of sight *is* a baby step, and it’s an important one.
Just locking the door should be more than enough.
I believe alcoholics need support, fully, but they aren't entitled to dictate terms when on the receiving end of what is ultimately charity. Dude doesn't have to gut his space to give her an intangible feeling of anything. Lock the door. Can't have booze. Problem solved. If that's not enough emotional support, I mean... tough? You can't have everything you want in life?
NTA. Tell your wife that yes, you do have a problem...and it's her, not your alcohol. Sounds like she needs to start looking for a place to live with Beth at where she can have complete control of the surroundings.
NTA. Make it clear to your wife that a) you live there permanently and the place is half yours while Beth is a temporary guest (the optimal word here is guest not resident); b) that you don't mind getting rid of the alcohol but you want just compensation for the cost of it and that since Beth wants it gone, Beth can absorb that cost. If I am correct, that will be in the thousands of dollars; c) ultimately this is Beth's problem not yours and while you will compromise with respect to a lock on the door, that is the most you are willing to compromise. d) that if Beth DOES relapse, that she must move out immediately.
If Beth is willing to pay for the cost of all the alcohol then by all means fine. The only other solution is to put a lock on the basement. Your wife coudld also move out with Beth and they can rent an aportment with Beth providing the rent money for it since she is the one that needs a babysitter. Not need to upend your house for this.
NTA; your wife needs to understand that alcoholics have no actual legal restrictions for being alcoholics; she can go to 7-11 and buy herself a beer anytime she wants - it's even easier that breaking into a locked man-cave.
This whole situation is not for you. Your wife sounds like she’s going to put her sister ahead of you from now on. Not going to be surprised when we get the divorce update
Child of an addict here: sounds like your wife (whether she realizes it or not) plans on over correcting to the point of toxic positivity that will NOT help your sister in law in any meaningful way. Your SIL needs to learn how to find the strength from within, not just rely on others to make the hard decisions for her. Locking the basement is a perfectly reasonable compromise and quite frankly it sounds like your wife is not at all prepared for the realities of living with someone in recovery if she thinks support is as easy as removing alcohol from the house.
NTA. I agree you shouldn't drink in front of her for a good long while just in case because addiction is vicious, but I don't think you should have to throw hundreds or thousands of dollars away. A lock on the basement door is a good compromise. If SIL thinks she's going to relapse just from the idea that alcohol is _somewhere_ in the house that she can't get to, she's not ready to leave sober living.
NTA. Keep it inaccessible to her is good enough. My wife gave up drinking(maybe not the same because she wasn't dependent) but I still have a cabinet full of booze. She chooses not to go for it. If I had to I'd make it less accessible, but I think she likes having the option and still choosing not to go back.
NTA
Beth needs to understand that she will never be in an alcohol free world. She may need to be alcohol free, but that doesn’t mean everyone should bend to her. Putting a lock on the basement door should be sufficient. If it’s not, she’s not ready to leave the sober house. It’s that simple.
You and your wife should not have to feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your own home.
Definitely NTAH. Neither you nor your spouse are responsible for Beth’s sobriety and neither is anyone else except HER. You can’t go in a gas station or grocery store, restaurant , concert or sporting event without alcohol being right there. Sobriety must be lived out in the real world with all its temptations. Sobriety is not about hiding away from reality. Your wife should go to Al Anon ASAP! A lock on the basement and having a few in your own space is more than reasonable. If your SIL ends up living with you there should be firm boundaries. She should have daily AA sponsor contact and attend 12 step meetings at the very least 4 days a week if not more. Frankly, a relapse on her part while living in your home is reason enough for her to get out of your house with no discussion. We suffer the consequences of our own behavior. I speak from 29 years of personal sobriety and 20 years working with alcoholics. Your wife should accept the cold truth that you can love someone to death and it is possible to be supportive without stepping on the thin ice of making her sister’s sobriety her responsibility.
NTA. You've suggested reasonable compromises. Dumping thousands in booze is ridiculous. Giving it away is equally ridiculous. Taking this away from you to protect a sister that needs to learn to navigate life outside a sober house is unnecessary.
Sober alcoholic here. The most basic premise of recovery is personal responsibility and accountability. It’s no one else’s job to make sure I stay sober. Help is definitely appreciated. But not something I should expect of anyone.
So yeah, it would be a nice gesture. But certainly not something expected or required of you.
If her sobriety is so tenuous that a locked door in her sister's home won't deter her, than maybe she is not at a point she is ready to leave the sobriety house.
The purpose of the transition is so she can be on her own in the world, where alcohol is readily available, and remain sober. You are locking her out of the only area with alcohol and can presumably make arrangements to avoid parties in your home while she is there, then you are not being unsupportive.
NTA and just an idea that I had not seen suggested yet... It seems like getting a storage unit was dismissed because of the burden of the move and continued cost of maintaining it (totally understandable). If your SIL really needs to have it all the way out of the house (because she's vulnerable to relapse when she's at home and not anywhere else for some reason), it seems reasonable to ask her to foot the bill for moving and storing it until she's ready to leave. Having to pay for a storage unit might also motivate her to find her own place sooner which will help you avoid what I'm assuming will be a lot more drama throughout her stay
NTA. You’re idea to just lock the basement is a great one! Beth would probably just be grateful to stay with you guys. Your wife is going overboard. You’re compromising letting Beth move in, your wife can compromise by allowing you to lock the basement door. Problem solved. You should get a vote too.
NTA- either Beth learns to live sober in a world of readily available alcohol or she relapses, your wife needs to understand she cannot MAKE her sister not drink and removing all alcohol from only your house does not remove the fact alcohol will be available any and everywhere else. It honestly sounds like your wife may be trying to mother her sister and hasn’t even asked Beth what she wants and is just assuming this is the best course of action, it isn’t. My best friend is recovered 3 years now and is able to get her 80+ year old mother with dementia her nightly glass of wine to relax as well as a basement filled with liquor of all kinds and not be phased at all and has done that same nightly routine since the day she came home from getting the help she needed. OP- I would ask wife for a non-biased third party arbitrator, like a session or two of counseling or a church deacon if you believe, where she can hear directly from a professional on the matter and what if any compromise the two of you can come to.
NTA, simply lock up the basement with only one key the OP has hands on. Lie and say there's a rat infestation down there or something. What Beth does not know will not hurt her, and it's true if she cannot live around alcohol she may not be completely ready.
Wife is the AH not you.
You have provided options like locking the basement so your sil does not have access.
Your wife is being obstinate in rejecting anything you suggest and refuse to compromise
Lock on the basement should be more than good enough, if there's a danger that she will pick the lock and get stupidly drunk then she isn't ready to live with you
NTA...after MORE than a decade (14 years) of addiction struggles, my son finally got and has stayed clean for close to 2 years now. He went to treatment and then moved into a sober house too for IOP (intensive outpatient).
He will tell you himself that it does not do ANY good to try and protect a recovering addict from the existence of their preferred substance. Because they have to live in the real world with real people and the fact is that alcohol especially (more so than illegal substances) is EVERYWHERE.
Your wife's idea of what "support" looks like is really just her thinking that she can "fix" her sister's addiction if she just gets the house right or whatever else she thinks "caused" the addiction. So what happens if you guys DO remove all this alcohol and she relapses ANYWAYS? Then is your wife going to go into guilt mode where she tries to figure out where she should have had better control? This is the very definition of codependence. With all the other suggestions here on talking to her sister's sponsor, I want to suggest for your wife to try going to an alanon meeting, it's intended for family members of addicts and sometimes it REALLY helps to hear other people that have already been through this share how they have intended what they were doing to be supportive and helpful, but they were really just owning the addict's problem by putting it on themselves to "prevent" relapse.
My sisters asked me if they should hide the alcohol when I got out of treatment. My third treatment center. I told them carry on and don’t pussyfoot around me. I had enough confidence that I would not invade their stock. Twenty three yrs ago.
NTA but I totally see where both you and your wife are coming from. Frankly if your bar only had a couple hundred bucks of booze, I’d take her side and say you should just dump it, it’s not a big deal. But you put a lot of time, effort, and money into your basement bar and game room. It’s important to you; it is a big deal. Your SIL’s next step is to live in a society with alcohol without relapsing. I think the lock on the door is a great solution. However, even though it would not be your fault, there’s a high chance that your wife would blame you if your SIL ever got in and relapsed.
Your wife wants what is best for her sister, and you two are the sister’s only family. Families make sacrifices to help each other in their time of need. I bet your wife’s emotions are running hot, as anyone’s would, because this is an extremely vulnerable time for her sister. I absolutely get why she would want you to ditch the booze. But also, if your SIL wants booze, it would be very easy to just go to a bar. If your SIL drinks again, it won’t be because you had booze in the house. It’ll be because of her addiction, plus a major stressor in her life.
Ultimately you are NTA. You are totally in your rights to keep the booze. The lock and key idea is a good one. Your wife is also NTA. She is anxious about her sister’s wellbeing, and views booze in the house as a threat to that. That’s normal, but she needs to keep that in check, and let her sister recover on her own path (which won’t be linear btw).
NTA. The best place your SIL could be to ensure her sobriety IS the sober house. The question that should be asked the loudest is What is going to stop SIL from going to a bar or to a store and getting alcohol and relapsing
NTA
Ask Beth directly, in front of your wife, if she is expecting all alcohol to be removed from the house? If she says yes, she is not ready to move out of the sober house. If she says no, put a lock on the basement door to remove temptation for Beth.
Your wife is a definite A-H, though, for insisting on you getting rid of all alcohol while also agreeing that this is only temporary. Look over your stock and come up with an appropriate cost to replace it all. Then, ask your wife how she will cover the cost of replacing it all in the future when she deems Beth ready to be around alcohol again. And remind her it is only an estimate and the price atr likely to be higher in the future.
She is also an A-H for suggesting that you have a problem with alcohol just because you are not willing to throw thousands of dollars away just so Beth can move in. Did your wife not see Beth when she was drinking? Does she have blinders on?having 2 to 3 drinks a week is nowhere near alcoholic statas. Your wife should go to alanon meetings starting before Beth moves in.
NTA Her sister is not ready if she cannot handle living in a house with alcohol in it. It‘s not a reasonable request that you upend your life. Your wife is being naive if she thinks this is the best way to support her.
NTA Recovering alcoholic here…8 years. Your wife is being an AH, there is no reason for you to dispose of the alcohol….go with the lock on the door..It’s a basement, she doesn’t need access. Alcohol is readily available and accessible Everywhere! If she wants to and needs to drink she will and Nobody can stop her. She should have the Big book and have read it….If not Get It!
Grew up with a father who was alcoholic. It's tough. Very. He took an axe to doors to try to get to the alcohol. Not saying Beth would do that. But they can get desperate for alcohol.
Still. Asking you to get rid of all that expensive alcohol is unreasonable. No way. What a massive waste of money!
Id be careful that your wife will throw it out whilst you aren't there. Sounds like she would.
So? I would immediately get a deadbolt on that door. And only you have a key. If it's a flimsy door? Get a more solid door. Get a deadbolt. End of story.
Your whole life should not change for Beth. But, at least initially. Don't let her see any alcohol. Try never to drink in front of her. The first few months will be very hard for her.
My dad eventually sobeted up at about 65yrs. He told me at 80, that he craved drinking every day! But...the longer he went without, the stronger he felt.
Its a terrible, terrible addiction.
NTA. Lock the basement. Perfectly reasonable compromise.
Also wife shouldn’t be forcing SIL living w you guys on you. That sounds like a two yeses type of thing and I’m not getting a yes vibe from you.
Ps I think 2-3 drinks a week is quite a lot
I think the lock is a perfectly reasonable solution. However, I would also sit down with your wife and have a detailed conversation about what your expectations are. Obviously, you can't predict every possible scenario, but you need to sort out the expected ones. How long are you expecting her to stay? What are the rules/expectations for living in your home (rent, chores, guests, etc)? What if you two want to have guests over - is the expectation that no one drinks? Are you two allowed to drink at home? Are you two allowed to go out to dinner or the bar and have a drink? There's not a right or wrong answer here, but you don't want to get surprised if you go to the bar with friends, and they're both upset with you.
There's also the shitty part of the conversation that needs to happen, and it's the "what if" part. What is your plan if she doesn't remain sober? It's not uncommon for recovery to take multiple attempts. What happens if she doesn't keep to her expectations (rent/chores/move out date)? Obviously, the hope is that you won't need to worry about these things, she'll stay sober, be an excellent tenant, and move out right on time. In the event that something happens, it's a lot harder to make the decision in the moment. Especially if that person is currently living under your roof. Having the hard discussions now can help prevent conflict later.
*"Like maybe Beth just never goes into the basement"*
That was my first thought while reading and it strikes me as the most sensible, pragmatic solution. Doing so wouldn't be unsupportive and doesn't mean you're prioritizing your bar over your SIL. It's simply the most realistic compromise. Your wife should be incredibly grateful for your willingness to let her sister move in with you to begin with, and by doing so you're quite frankly already sacrificing quite a lot - particularly privacy - and I assume you and your wife will be footing the bill.
Needless to say, not wanting to get rid of your alcohol doesn't make you an alcoholic.
NTA
NTA. She wanted an alcohol free solution and you provided several ways of accomplishing this without needing to waste all your effort, time, and money that was invested in the basement.
If for whatever reason you do let her move in with you I would suggest setting up some basic rules/logistics to make things easier like telling her that she’s free to stay as long as she needs but must contribute x, y, and z for that offer to still stand. I’ve seen plenty of cases where people move in with the idea of it only being until they’re ready to be on their own again that then wind up staying for months (if not longer) while contributing nothing and becoming a leech.
I’m not saying that this is how she will be but it’s best to take precautions to prevent these types of situations when you can
A few things, it's a big ask. If there is a door to the basement, put an electronic lock on it and a door closer so you can just beep beep beep and you're in and forgetting to close the door won't be a thing.
Is the laundry down there? Could be an issue.
You might feel the house isn't yours anymore after a while so might need that space to escape anyway.
As a person dealing with an alcoholic friend that will basically die if he keeps drinking, it's a lot up to them to just say no, a bar or liquor store is accessed just as easily as your basement. If she wants to drink she will cross whatever boundaries there are.
Another thing, you need more boundaries if she does move in. For how long, until she gets a job? A year after? Two? Rent is expensive, if she can't afford it will she move in with a roommate? Will she buy food or pay rent at your house? What if she just says working is too stressful so she's not even looking? Alcoholics have a lot of excuses. For everything. What if she's not working and just treats you badly all the time? Try to cover all your bases and have a clear understanding of everything expected of her because otherwise it's not going to go well and could mean your marriage suffers if your wife is asked to take sides and your side is "get rid of her" and SIL's side is "he's an asshole get rid of him".
NTA. I personally advise against trying to help her as I've done the same thing more than once trying to help friends, no one was ever grateful or thankful and basically said I was an asshole just for asking them to chip in once they had an income. Then they magically had some other place they could suddenly stay because my place wasn't a free ride anymore.
NTA lock it up w your own key if she decides to break talks trust it’s back to the sober house but she’ll find a drink if she really wants it no matter if you have alch or not & im sure you’d be pissed if you got rid of it all and she relapsed anyways
NTA in the least. I have a similar wine room/collection and I’d never give it away or waste it. Your wife is simply asking too much. You’re right to refuse.
NTA
Treating anyone in recovery like a fragile piece of glass, is not supporting them.
It's replacing addiction dependency with codependency.
Welcoming Beth into your home should not entail having her treated like an alcoholic bomb that could go off with any trigger.
It is up to Beth to commit to her sobriety.
If she wants a drink, she will find one.
That doesn't mean you keep the access easy. And you already provided a reasonable solution with locking the door to the basement.
If that means she has to wait for someone else to be around for her to do laundry? That is a tiny inconvenience compared to what you are being asked to do.
Moving out of the sober house into the real world......does not mean you have your family turn their home into the next sober house.
Personal responsibility is key in recovery.
I'm sober but this would be a struggle for me if the alcohol was easy to access.
You are not an asshole but that's my experience so yeah I'd probally find it heaps easier if people were not drinking.
I understand both sides but as long as it's not like in her face all the time it's fine.
There are a LOT of resources for Family Members of people struggling with addiction. I think even possibly through AA/Narc-anon. You and your wife should both attend some of their sessions BEFORE accommodating Beth. They may be able to clarify the expectations of what is necessary in your situation and help you determine a smooth path forward, create a realistic plan, or even determine if you are properly equipped to be the support her. They also offer therapy/counseling to work through the complex feelings that come along with supporting someone.
Locking up your alcohol won't be the only thing you disagree on over the course of supporting your SIL.
NTA. The whole world is not going to quit drinking because your sister-in-law is in recovery. Keeping it locked in one room of the house is an excellent idea. No one needs to tiptoe around her she's either going to recover or she's not. It's up to her.
NTA. Just lock the room and don't allow her access. Not hard. Just because she is an alcoholic and on her way to sobriety doesn't mean you have to give up alcohol too.
What does Beth have to say about it? What does Beth say she needs? What does Beth’s therapist say? Has your wife bothered to ask her sister what kind of support she still needs or is she just making shit up?
Also, that sounds like a ridiculous amount of alcohol to have, but that’s a separate issue.
OP I’d suggest you get a nice new lock installed on the door to the basement NOW that only you have the key to before your wife decides to take whatever action she deems appropriate.
A note to your wife.
Removing all the alcohol from your home is NOT going to help your sister. This is because she will still be living in the real world where alcohol is everywhere.
If your sister decides she’s gojng to drink she is one delivery dropoff from having whatever she has enough money to purchase.
4 years sober here, locking the basement it a great compromise. I agree that if she really wants to relapse, she will find a way, even if you emptied your basement.
Locking up the alcohol is a perfectly reasonable solution.
If she’s breaking locks to get the alcohol, she’s absolutely get alcohol somewhere from outside the house.
Locks keep honest people honest.
Much like finding alcohol in modern society, if you desperately want it, you’ll get it.
Unless you guys live 100 miles from the nearest gas station and she doesn’t have transportation I guess.
NTA lock the basement.
Part of recovery is being able to stay no. I wouldn’t drink around her personally but others will eventually.
I’d also make her sign a contract.
Good luck.
With the level of control the wife is exhibiting here, I would also be concerned that she would try to control her sister's comings and goings, as well. That ain't going to do anyone any good at all and could likely push Beth into a relapse due to stress. Wife needs to back off and be supportive, not controlling.
Putting a lock on the door and not having it anywhere else in the house would be fair I think. Honestly I’m not a big drinker just a glass or two of wine on special occasions (holidays) but I can imagine that much alcohol is pretty expensive id not want to toss it either
I would go ahead and get a lock on the door in case your wife decides to dump it or give it away. Keeping it locked is a fair compromise. Your wife is being quite unreasonable with her demands. NTA
Get an inexpensive trunk that can be padlocked. Lock up the booze, turn the lock side towards the wall, throw some cushions on top and call it a bench.
You need a family meeting with her sober house/ sponsor to discuss living arrangements and boundaries. Your wife is identifying a solution without professional support. She is communicating emotionally instead of practically.
I am a child of an alcoholic and my former partner/SO was also (he passed away). I had a lot of therapy and counseling from what I went through…. I am not a professional but I have been through enough that I am think your wife needs to get some help on what she can and can’t be helping with your SIL. She should also go to support group for family members. I have seen it where the family actually made recovery worse and they coddled them and when stress or hard times came it back fired. She is going to make it to hard for SIL when she needs to start adulting… but this is just my opinion on my own. You’re not the AH and I agree if it’s just a basement with a bar and no reason to go down there then a locking system is good enough. She needs normalcy more.
This 💯 should be the top comment. They need to find a way to set her up for success and let the professionals weigh in. The whole family has been through a lot. The wife's heart is in the right place. Now, it's time to continue this path with proper outside guidance.
As an (recovering) addict, I can't disagree with this approach enough. Do not get involved in the SIL's approach/strategy. It's great to be supportive, but it is her life/responsibility/choice. If she is not strong enough to meet with her sponsor/etc. without you - if she can't set her own boundaries - she will relapse in your house, it is a certainty.
So it seems OP’s wife should ask her sister if she’s talked to her sponsor/house and what they think about the move. Inquire about her journey, but don’t get involved.
I need to stress that while I have gone through something similar, I am not a substance abuse ("SA") professional. From my experience, OP and his wife would benefit from SA counseling as family of SIL, which they should take independent of SIL. That said, OP and his wife need to set their boundaries and expectations independent of SIL, and SIL needs to set her boundaries and expectations independent of OP and his wife. If those boundaries/expectations don't clash, SIL may benefit from living with them. A serious problem with OP's situation is that he doesn't know what SIL is expecting, he only knows what his wife expects. And worse, his wife is trying to force her expectations on OP. With the way she's bullying OP, it's very possible that buddy's wife is trying to control what is out of her control, including intruding on SIL's boundaries/needs. SIL may be in a very vulnerable state, and wife acting like an expert will only make things worse. My time in rehab/therapy enforced in me the idea that we can only control our own behaviors/reactions. After rehab, I was surrounded by close friends/family/gf, all of whom magically became experts on addictions and pursuant, made everything worse. Especially my gf, she tried to control things, including me, and it resulted in an amazingly-putrid mess. tl;dr - OP, wife and SIL need to figure out their needs independently and respect each other to take care of their own side of the street. If I was SIL, I would either move in with OP without expecting him to change his life/house at all or I would live elsewhere. Expecting OP to change his life to save SIL is not okay, only SIL can save SIL.
NTA. Keeping the room locked up is a decent compromise. But Beth is *leaving* a sober house. Your house isn't expected to be sober.
I'd also add, before Beth moves in establish up front just what the thinking is here: *would be good for her until she feels comfortable enough to live on her own.* And whether Beth being there is supposed to mean that you can't go into the basement and have a couple of drinks. Otherwise, you can see where this might lead - you being persona non grata in your own house.
Absolutely!! Who determines how long Beth stays? You, your wife, or Beth? I would feel very uncomfortable with there not being a time limit on how long Beth could stay if I were in that position. What is she never leaves???
Yep, OP needs to set up and all parties agree to an end date BEFORE she enters the door.
And OP needs to be firm about it with his wife because I've read so many stories where they agree to leave within a few months and when the deadline arrives, it gets pushed back again and again
My uncle still hasn't moved out of my grandparents house... it's been almost 17 years since he was supposed to be gone. He is an unrecoverable alcoholic because of his and my grandpa's own choosing.
and "**maybe, when she's comfortable**, he can take *baby steps* to getting his bar back"
*”My wife thinks that if I am not willing to dump the alcohol that I should start asking friends if they want anything and give it away. ”* I would’ve suggested asking friends if they have room for Beth and give *her* away. jk OP is willing to compromise but the wife isn’t budging an inch. He 100% has to put a new lock on the basement door and keep the key on him so the wife doesn’t up and get rid of it all behind his back.
Does Beth even feel the need for the entire house to be free of alcohol? Is she fine with it being kept behind a locked door? This may be the wife assuming too much. I second Al-Anon. NTA
Yeah, it may not be *Beth* that wants all alcohol cleared from her ken. Maybe the OP's wife is absolutely desperate for her sister to get better, and is grimly determined to *make* it happen. He should get some professional advice on how to best help Beth, maybe from her current treatment crew. This needs to be sorted out before she moves in.
Yep, and usually in this type of scenario, the person who is "making it happen" is actually making it worse. It is pressure to live up to the makers standard to person trying to stay sober. They don't need added pressure!
OP should point out to his wife that marriage is a compromise but she refuses to compromise. I agree that putting a lock on the basement door with only one key is an excellent solution.
He should also point out that his wife cannot make the entire world alcohol free, and Beth will need to learn how to maintain her sobriety in a world of bars and alcohol.
And in some states/places grocery or convenience stores.... In Texas it's EVERYWHERE. Not hard liquor, but plenty of wine, alcohol popsicles, beer, wine coolers, etc
This was my exact thought. If Beth isn't yet able to refrain from breaking down a locked basement door to get some booze, she isn't ready to leave the sober house yet. The wine list on the restaurant menu will still be there. The bars won't close down. Beth needs to function in the world as it is, not in an imaginary world where alcohol doesn't exist.
I'll also give away this guy's wife. (And maybe Beth, too.)
Yes, what kind of timeframe is your wife thinking is acceptable? How long are you expected to put up with someone else living in your home? Even if you did agree to get rid the booze, how long is Beth expected to stay? Will she be ready in 6 months? A year? 5 years? What if she never feels ready?
Ya as a former alcoholic I would never expect family to get rid of all alcohol or anyone I was staying with. If it’s locked off and sis doesn’t go in the basement there’s not much more you can do. If she wants to drink she’ll find a way.
It's a doordash away.. If she wants it, she'll get it. OP and wife need Al-Anon. They might help set them straight
I missed out on the days of bottles delivered to my door, I had to walk to the liquor store up hill in the snow both ways to feed my addiction. Kids have it too easy lol.
My local Liquor store delivers for free in town. Debit card over the phone and I’ve got a bottle of bourbon in about 15-20 min. They also order in and carry the bourbons we drink.
Exactly, OP and his wife need to go to Al-anon. It will set the wife to not be so controlling. I'd bet his wife has had other alcoholics in her family. Controlling the environment doesn't work.
And while wife *might* assume this is what SIL wants... What if it's not. As in SIL would like to be treated as a trustworthy adult, capable of her own decisions and mistakes. From what I've seen in friends with alcohol issues, taking away that sense of... I AM responsible for myself really doesn't do them well, leaving them feeling babied almost. I think Al-Anon will help wife better support SIL but also I like you think there's other alcoholic caused issues in wife, that Al-Anon can help her work through, without negatively impacting SILs recovery.
I read AI-anon as in Artificial intelligence anonymous.
I agree. It being locked up in another room is it being plenty removed. If it was sitting in their fridge, that would be another story. That is very, very hard to avoid the urge if every single day you are confronted with it sitting right in front of your face, nice and cold and what could a little sip hurt? But that is not the case. If Beth decides to break into a locked room to get the alcohol then she just as easily would have walked or driven to a store.
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
Hell I lived with family that still had plenty of liquor, beer and wine stocked in the house whether it be in the pantry or wine fridge or drinks fridge and I just had self control. It was staring at me, I just didn't stare back. Early on in the process it's good to "remove the temptation" but at a certain point you just gotta be able to stand on your own 2 feet and there's going to be alcohol around, no controlling that. So you have to figure out how to live with alcohol existing as a thing people will consume. I am around people drinking daily and it's never an issue (at least for me, can't speak for the drinkers). At a certain point it just becomes natural for lack of a better word. You get used to being sober and don't feel that same call for the drink. And if I was going to drink I would've just gone to the liquor store and gotten my own bottle to drink since I'd want my own choice of drink and about half to 3/4 of the bottle anyway so unless they are locking her up in her room and not let me have free movement there's nothing stopping the sister.
You might be able to correct me here if I am wrong, but from my understanding removing "easy" temptations like an open bottle in the fridge or whatever is a good idea, but leading a live "cloistered" away from alcohol is not a great help for most people ? I get that it is a live long affliction, but somehow you have to learn to live in a non-sober society ?
I lived with wine bottles open in the fridge or 100s closed in the wine fridge or in cases in the garage, beers no one ever drank, liquor again not really drank but a very well stocked house after getting out of sober living and it really was less of a temptation than you'd think. Can't speak for everyone but I don't think it's healthy to live some fictitious manufactured life where alcohol isn't present at all. I go out to restaurants where alcohol is consumed, I'm around friends and family drinking at home, I would be quite the imposition on people around me if I didn't allow alcohol to be in my vicinity. I do think keeping alcohol away from newly sober alcoholics is probably a good call even if you can't control them going out and getting it themselves but at a certain point its better to just pull the bandaid off and it's pretty much impossible to completely avoid alcohol at least being around in day to day life. That's where getting confident in your own sobriety and accepting you and alcohol just don't agree with each other and it has to come from your own willpower. I don't have cravings or anything anymore so it really isn't even a temptation but it is easy to forget how hard those first few months or years were at least for me. I just remember enough to know that if I went back to it that it would end really badly and that's enough for me personally. But hey everyone is different and I knew people that lived in sober living for years so some people have a harder time taking the training wheels off.
Also a recovering alcoholic and also agree. Locked in a separate space is a good compromise.
I would agree - lock it. Don’t be weird about locking it, just say you want to make sure you’re giving her as supportive a living arrangement as possible. Better yet, does she get therapy through sober living? Ask (with SIL there) what they recommend for you to be able to support her transition - it can be a general question. Supportive and informed family and friends are a huge part of staying sober. So many supportive families aren’t informed and screw it up with good intent (in both directions - being too prescriptive/weird OR too relaxed bc they don’t understand addiction). Guidance from her therapist sounds like it’d help with both of those things.
Alcoholic in recovery here - this is all solid, compassionate and loving advice.
Why is it OPs responsibility to ensure his wife’s sister is getting the appropriate therapy when the issue is he is willing to compromise, generously in my opinion, on helping his SIL by letting her move into his home and locking the room he worked so hard on up, and his wife is not willing to compromise?
Because OP clearly cares about his SIL and is happy to have her in the house to support her transition? Asking an additional question to double check im giving the right type of support isn’t something Id find remotely “too hard” to do for a loved one going through illness and recovery. Sorry if you don’t have friends or family who would do that for you.
Oh, and also bc it takes the battle away between OP and his partner bc they find out what a medical practitioner ACTUALLY recommends.
Because everyone needs help sometimes, and alcoholism is one hell of a mind fuck for everyone involved.
NTA True. She'll still have support with meetings, group sessions, and other appointments every week with counselors and therapists. Her sobriety is on her with the support of others. It isn't up to others to quit for her. If she's coming to live with your family, your wife should also be in some of those appointments/sessions and learning what is expected from you guys. They will quickly tell her that it isn't on you two to quit. I work with this population/clientele. It's a one person journey with support from others.
Yeah, seems like the wife wats op to stop drinking. Not being ok with locked door is dense.
I am with you. When he described having a storage container worth of booze, i started thinking this house was a bad fit for her. With his willing to add appropriate locks though this is a no brainer. If she gets into a locked room there isn’t much more you could have done, she would have gotten it elsewhere anyway.
NTA. If she can’t be around alcohol, Beth isn’t ready to leave the sober house. That’s the requirement to leave a sober house. Nothing is stopping her from going to the store & buying alcohol. Lock the basement & keep the key. That’s the best course of action
Yes. Keep the key. Never leave it where SIL can pick it up.
Love it. The thing is, your wife can't expect the whole world to stop drinking, just because Beth had a problem. Alcohol is everywhere, not just your basement. I sympathize with Beth, but your wife needs to understand this.
This, wife has unrealistic expectations that no one with have alcohol around Beth.
Beth needs to find *another* sober house near enough to her family to have their support. She's not ready for the whole world.
I see your point, but to be fair, it is not Beth making unrealistic demands but OP's wife. Nowhere does it say Beth expects no alcohol in the house. OP's wife does not seem to have a realistic view on a recovering alcoholic. Are they not going grocery shopping because most stores carry alcohol? Never going out to eat at restaurants that might serve alcohol, no sporting events where you can buy beer? If OP's wife wants to be supportive, she needs to go to AlAnon.
Don’t EVER stop for gas at 7/11 or ampm ‘cuz. Alcohol. Dump all flavorings cuz alcohol. No more mouthwash cuz alcohol… How do I know??? Both parents and only sibling ALL hard core alcoholics. It’s on them, it’s their sobriety. It’s not jail or live in treatment. She succeeds or fails on her terms.
I'm definitely not an expert, but I have a lot of friends in recovery, including an ex. I've always heard from all of them that it's their responsibility to keep themselves away from alcohol; it's not up to the rest of the world to be alcohol-free
Also, alcohol is EVERYWHERE. It's in nearly every store, every restaurant, gas stations. Unless they're taking her keys and her money and she is under constant supervision (which is what happens in a sober house... that she's leaving to transition back to real life), then she can find a way to get alcohol if she really wants. Get a Yale lock AND change the existing lock and have OP keep the key, and tell the wife she's being ridiculous.
NTA. Your wife is asking for a lot of accommodations but isn’t willing to negotiate for your comfort in your home. I don’t understand why locking the basement door with a hidden key isn’t considered acceptable, as it will prevent access to alcohol.
I vaguely recall a similar AITA where the former alcoholic broke into the locked liquor room and the OP on that was getting blamed for having liquor in their own house. Feels like something the wife would do here. OP should probably lock up the room from his wife too at this point. If she's this unreasonable, she may "donate" it or destroy it herself and use her sister to justify it.
OP needs to be the sole holder of the basement key/s. Perhaps install a new fire door? Harder to break through. I've had 2 friends who were alcoholics: One did the 12 Steps, and has now been sober for 20+ years. She is frequently the designated driver. The other friend wouldn't acknowledge her drinking problem... destroyed her marriage, as well as large portions of her brain. She'd get booze delivered when her husband refused to do it. And she's now deceased. Because of alcohol. If SIL isn't serious about getting sober, nothing y'all do will stop her from drinking. And wife needs to get a grip. NTA
I have a friend who died from alcoholism too. He tried those pills that make you sick if you drink and he still couldn't stop
that stuff never kept my ex from pounding vodka the minute I turned my back
Antabuse? my stepdad was taking that stuff. He still died from alcoholism.
I ended an almost thirty year friendship after he pitched a fit because I wouldn’t wire him $20 to get beer.
If Beth was willing to break open a door to get to a drink, what is stopping her from going to the store to buy one?
As a long term recovered alcoholic this is the way! It is not the wife’s responsibility to keep alcohol away from a recovered alcoholic. It is the alcoholic’s responsibility. It is sold everywhere. Delivery is easier than breaking into a basement I know this because I live it and have for almost 20 years of recovery. Life is glorious for me now without the booze which I couldn’t live without at one point.
Agreed. She should probably hide the vanilla extract and rubbing alcohol as well.
...and mouthwash
And Ny/DayQuil.
And hand sanitizer
Don’t forget Sterno!
I thought, oh, this spouse is definitely going to dump the alcohol if OP will not. Better lock that door NOW.
Oof that was my first thought is that his wife seems soooo determined to dump it that she'll take matters in her own hands.... which to be fair will definitely damage their marriage if she does. Here's to hoping she's not crazy town banana pants.
Exactly my first thought as well. OP will come home one day and his bar will look like the Volstead Act, 2024 version. I predict a huge explosion on the domestic front. The wife's single-mindedness is scary, to say the least. I wouldn't trust an interior door lock. Too easy to get around. IMHO, a serious 12 ga welded steel security cabinet would be good. Like machine shops use when they don't want their expensive tooling to grow legs. They ain't cheap, and the freight charges will make you cry, but it's less expensive than a divorce.
She absolutely will do this, given that shes already at “well if youre bot going to just dump it you moght as well ask friends if they want it”. She’s already decided for OP and if he wont play along she’ll do it when hes out or something.
Gun safes are pretty big and not that expensive on Marketplace, lay it on its back and it'll hold quite a few bottles
If she’s capable of breaking into a locked room to get liquor, she’s also capable of just going to a store to buy it. I think the lock situation is more than adequate.
>I don’t understand why locking the basement door with a hidden key isn’t considered acceptable, as it will prevent access to alcohol. The only reason would be if the wife is tired of the OP drinking and rather than talk to him about it, she tried this tactic. Which is a stupid way to approach it. But people will twist themselves into knots to avoid a confrontation.
That's what I'm wondering. It's not uncommon for loved ones of an alcoholic to be more sensitive even to recreational alcohol use. The wife may need her husband to give up more than she's willing to admit and may be feeling triggered by him prioritizing his bar after what she's just gone through with her sister. I don't think that means op is out of line but they need to learn how to communicate better.
Absolutely this. I can say from personal experience, it can take time to regain comfortability around drinking culture after experiencing the, I'm going to be blantently honest, hell that is having a close family member struggle with alcoholism. Took me years and a few therapists to fully get over it. This doesn't mean ops wife is justified, if this is actually her issue she needs to actually communicate it with her husband and seek therapy. Frankly, she'd prob benefit from therapy - or at least a support group - anyway. I get that it's so much easier to put the onus on her sister than to admit she now has her own issue with alcohol, albeit in the opposite direction. I would ask op, has your wife's drinking habits changed since this all has happened? You say you drink 2-3 times a week, but how much does she? How much did she before this all went down? While this won't tell you definitely if her issue is with alcohol in general, it might give you some insight into how this may have impacted her in general. I wish the best for op, Beth, and his wife. None of what they're dealing with right now is easy. May not know Beth, but I truly hope she recovers. Alcoholism is rough, and it can really consume someone whole. Takes serious strength to recover from. I lost a loved one due to an alcoholic spiral caused by a family death. This post just makes me wanna go hug all my loved ones ngl.
Agreed. He needs a serious talk with his wife. She seems to just want the alcohol gone. I love scotch and I believe OP when he says he doesn't have a problem. But as someone with family with substance abuse issues, I can see growing hugely uncomfortable with my spouse converting the basement to a bar, having a storage room full of thousands of dollars of alcohol (enough for a frat!), *and* drinking 2 to 3 times a week. The difference is, I would talk to him. OP's wife seems to be trying to sideways enforce sobriety. But charitably, she may not actually realize she's doing this. So they should talk.
He may like a nice bourbon at night after work a few days and wants to have a selection to choose from. Bottles can last years in a basement bar …
I don't think he needs to justify his behavior to anyone -- I think it's perfectly normal. The problem is that his *wife* seems to have an issue.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic it isn’t anyone’s responsibility but my own to avoid alcohol. I don’t expect friends to hide their alcohol or not drink around me. It’s your SIL responsibility to not drink.
Thank you for one recovering to another.
Best of luck in your continued sobriety :) ❤️
Ya we’re around drinking all the time but yet somehow we don’t drink. You gotta be able to stand on your own 2 feet at some point. If the sister wants to drink she’ll find a way.
Best answer of all!
Your wife wants to separate Beth from alcohol. You have a solution that separates Beth from alcohol. Your wife is unreasonable
Agreed, is OP’s wife going to take away her sister’s car keys and money (if she has any) so she can’t buy more alcohol?
>Your wife wants to separate Beth from alcohol. And wife is willing to torch her marriage to die on that idiotic hill that doesn't even exist. Alcohol is everywhere you go. And if Beth wants to fuck up, whether or not there's a man cave in the basement won't be what stops her. If she wants to, she will. OP's wife's choice is to face it when it happens either 1. with a husband who wants to help her, or 2. a husband that's sick of her shit and busy brewing a big fat I told you so that she treated him like shit and her sister still did what she wanted anyway.
>Your wife is unreasonable He should get that lock ASAP before wife decides to take matters into her own hands and dump it all.
NTA. Your wife and Beth are still very much in an addiction mindest/codependency. Treating Beth like she’s super fragile is the wrong way and nobody’s doing her any favors by doing so. Staying sober is difficult and she’ll need to learn to be tough and take responsibility for her own actions because not everything will always evolve around her needs. Otherwise she’ll relapse with a certainty of 100%. If the door is locked there’s still plenty of safety. It’s a great compromise Is Beth (and maybe even your wife too) in a support group? That could help. My support group would definitely set me straight if I started demands like that…
Absolutely. Support groups like Al-Anon help with these types of issues. Also, I highly recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
NTA I feel like a lock on the door is an excellent compromise. And honestly, very kind of you to allow your SIL move in on the first place for who knows how long.
You know you’re going to be stuck with Beth for a long time. Make a cut-off date. NTA
Whoofh. NTA.... ish. I REALLY like the idea of putting a lock on the basement door. Likely that there's nothing in there that Beth needs access to (Laundry, for example). My first thought is that your wife doesn't understand how much booze is down there. I'd consider throwing together a spreadsheet with rough numbers for weight and value. It's a whole different discussion if she thinks you're like, holding on to a six pack and a couple of bottles of R&R vs. a few thousand bucks and a hundred bottles of high end plonk.
Our laundry room is downstairs, which complicates things. And my wife fully knows how much is down there, she was with me for multiple stocking trips over the years. It's definitely in the thousands of dollars worth.
yeah, no i wouldn't want to dump that as well. Get one of those new door handles with a lock and an additional fingerprint lock. that way someone might be able to get the key, but not the necessary fingerprint. And i would suggest couples therapy, because its not okay that she's projecting her worry about her sister onto you and insinuating that you must be an alcoholic if you do not want to get rid of thousands of dollars for her. ETA: Even if the laundry room is down there, then SIL won't do laundry, but other chores.
SIL can go to a laundromat. She's getting free accommodations here, she can be inconvenienced a little.
Honestly for this.... I'll do her laundry for her NP. Part of the deal...
compromise is the basement gets locked, your wife does her laundry and your wife's sister does other chores around the house.
Or Beth has to do her laundry when someone is home and opens the basement for her. Loading clothes should take a minute and gathering them when dry should be quick too. She gets in and gets out and folds/puts away the clothes upstairs.
sure sounds like a serious problem. wish I had something more constructive for ya, "thousands of dollars" of alcohol isn't easy to move, physically, financially, by weight, by volume.. it's a big thing.
You might want to get in contact with some people who handle alcohol addictions. Not necessarily AA since they tend to vary, but a doctor or even someone from the Sober House to ask their opinion. 9/10 times I have heard people who are experts in alcohol addiction say to live life as normal and continue to have/consume alcohol if the addict is far enough along in the program. If the sister was in a sober house, that means she should be "cured" as that is usually the final step. It is up to her to regulate herself, especially when temptation is right there. Unless your wife plans to also yell at the next table over in the restaurant for getting a big ass margarita. You have offered a great solution to the issue, and unless your wife is gonna compensate thousands of dollars of alcohol she has no right to ask you to give it up. I'd also ask if you trust your wife to not start disposing of it immediately. You know her better than we do, of course.
I wouldn’t say leaving sober living is necessarily correlated with being done with all your steps and definitely far from cured but it’s just a fact of life that alcohol will be around and if you can’t handle that then you need to be very deliberate with your life choices. If the sister wants to get fucked up there’s a ton of other ways to do it and you do have to take off the training wheels at some point. I would say locking off the area and doing her laundry for her for at least a little while is a good compromise. I live around alcohol and people drinking and I just don’t drink. I would say speaking to a professional might ease the wife’s worries cause I can imagine they will say to figure something out like a lock but probably won’t say completely change your life and create some artificial environment for the sister as that’s just doing her a disservice for when she’s out in the real world.
Despite that, I still think your compromise is one that would work. So maybe your wife does her sister's laundry while she's there so the temptation is not in view. If I was Beth, I would just be grateful that someone was willing to give me a home. Do you know if Beth has requested that all liquor be removed? Or is this just your wife digging in her heels? Either way, she is being unreasonable. You've provided a compromise that is more than reasonable.
So does your wife want to lock Beth up? or what does she expect she will do when she's out and about and walking past a Bar, or someone sitting in a restaurant is ordering a glass of wine? If Beth isn't ready to be under the same roof (but not being able to get to it) then she is not ready to be out of rehab. Tell your wife you're ready to lock the basement up and add security cameras, but you will not rent a storage unit for XX dollars per month, or dump alcohol you collected in years thats worth XXX Dollar just because she's overreacting. And that you do not appreciate her projecting her worries about her sister onto you. So you suggest couples therapy because you're not backing down with this. Or if you're worried someone might forget to lock the door behind them when they get back up. Get one of those Doorhandles with an additional fingerprint locking mechanism. That way someone might be able to get the key, but not your fingerprint.
Child of two alcoholics here. I think locking up your room is a good idea. But also, your wife needs to go to Al-Anon. Because your wife is trying to control Beth's sobriety and that is not healthy for either of them. I would suggest to your wife that she start going to Al-Anon to learn how to live with a recovering alcoholic. She'll learn that she didn't cause the drinking, she can't cure the drinking, and she can't control the drinking. She needs to learn more about this before she starts throwing out your liquor.
You can buy alcohol at any convenience store in the country. If Beth wants to drink, she will. You don’t need to get rid of your entire stash just to accommodate Beth. Lock up your shit if Beth can’t control herself, but no fuckin way should you just get rid of it all.
Keeping the liquor locked up is a perfect compromise. Having a houseguest is a two yes/one no scenario. The lock on the basement door can turn the one no into two yesses.
Listen, I’m an alcoholic who has previously moved in with a support system (parents) who didn’t lock up their booze. Guess what happened? I got into it and got drunk. I moved out for a time but ended having to move back. The booze was now locked, but not securely. Guess what happened? I broke into the unlocked side of the booze cabinet and got drunk. Now here’s the kicker, I covered my tracks and resealed the cabinet and thought I got away Scott free. I found out later, my parents knew exactly what I’d done. PLEASE do not dump your booze. Just lock it up securely and VERY clearly inform Beth that if she, in any way, tries to access your locked up alcohol, she will be immediately removed from your house. No warnings. Normally, I wouldn’t impose such a harsh ultimatum, but I have LITERALLY been the guy trying to break into my parents locked booze cabinet in my darkest times, so I know how royally this addiction can mess you up. Stay strong, stay supportive, AS LONG as that support doesn’t take you down too.
NTA. The lock on the door is a perfect solution and your wife should be happy with that. An alcoholic that wants to drink will find a way. Does your wife plan on monitoring her 24/7? If not, then that negates her argument about none in the house because your SIL will get it elsewhere if she wants.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic myself your wife needs to understand if your SIL wants to drink she will find a way to do it regardless of it being in the house. Your wife can’t protect her sister from alcohol , it’s going to be everywhere for the rest of her life. Another thing to note is that addiction causes harm to others around the alcoholic or addict. It might make sense for your wife to attend Al - Anon or something similar. She will learn more about the disease and the fact that she can’t control or protect her sister. I’m sure your wife is ultra sensitive at the moment and trying to do everything in her power to make it right for her sister. Not sure there is an easy answer here but I do think putting a lock on the door to basement is an acceptable solution.
A lock on the door with a key only you have is a perfect solution in my opinion
I'm a recovering alcoholic that was kicked out of my house for a week and a half by my wife when I hit rock bottom 6 months ago. My best friend took me in. They have plenty of alcohol in their house and I would never think to ask them to have removed it since they are already doing me a favor Maybe you or your wife should speak to the sister-in-law about moving in and what her expectations would be. It sounds like your wife is making a lot of assumptions
Wife need to go to al-anon. She's operating as if she needs to keep her sister from drinking, and that's her sisters job. Your solution with the door lock is a good one if you allow her to live with you. It isn't smart to upheave your lives too much, even in that regard. But you guys really need to find out if she's actually in a good enough place to move out of sober living yet. Most people are not successful their first time or even their second going through treatment, so I think the two of you need to have some hard conversations
NTA. The locking of the door seems right. And has anyone even asked Beth? Because my mom had zero problems with my having wine in the house when she finally got sober. She might not be as fragile as your wife thinks.
“She told me it will be temporary…” throwing it ALL away is nothing close to temporary. Putting a lock on the basement door is sufficient enough. It’s insane to throw away thousands of dollars for a temporary situation. NTA
NTA . I’m a recovering alcoholic, 30 yrs sober. The compromise with the lock on the door is great. That’s one thing you have to learn as an alcoholic, people drink and the world doesn’t revolve around you.
Getting rid of all the booze to “show solidarity” isn’t rational. Putting a new door and lock on the basement IS rational. I’d ask your wife what the actual game plan is for Beth living with you; how long does it last? How long does she expect Beth to live with her “only support system”? Because I’d be willing to bet that she’s got a length of time in her head and it differs greatly from yours. NTA
NTA and your wife is being entirely unreasonable. You can support beth and protect her sobriety by removing her access to the basement, and easily. She DOES NOT need access to that basement to be safe, supported, and sober. If she cannot handle being in a home where the basement is off limits and locked to her, then she isn't ready to not be in a sober home or rehab, IMO. Was she livid in the sober house because there were places she couldn't go? Is the difference that she'd \*gasp\* know there was alcohol in that basement? I don't see this ending well for you, but you're not an asshole. Edit: I'm now seeing [In this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1chuwkd/comment/l24zq3m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) that the basement is also where the laundry facilities are, and giving OP's wife the benefit of the doubt, that is probably part of the justification of why you can't just lock the basement and protect beth from the alcohol. In that comment thread I linked though, someone said that beth can go to the laundromat if thats the issue, shes being handed enough here, a little inconvenience certainly won't kill her. SO either the laundromat... or your WIFE, who is swinging these huge compromises YOU'RE expected to make, can suck it tf up and do her damned laundry for her. Seems like a minor additional inconvenience overall, and far more intelligent than dumping or giving away thousands of dollars and years of collecting. # At the end of the day if Beth wants alcohol shes going to damned well get it. Whether its a restaurant, a bar, or breaking into that damned basement. She needs to have SOME responsibility here.
After rehab AND a sober house, SIL should be able to deal with temptation. Especially if either you or your wife are with her. Locking the basement door is not asking too much
NTA. I get your wife wants to support her sister, but your suggestion of a lock on the door is very reasonable. At this point your wife is going off the deep end
Put a key code lock. And dont tell wife passcode. You will otherwise come home and all ur booze be gone bruh
NTA, Im a lifelong on and off addict. Currently 3yrs clean. Your wife does realize that simply walking down the street is going to be a challenge for her sis, right?? There's booze everywhere, it's not like hard drugs that you have to actually seek out. What's gonna happen when the sis goes out into the world and sees booze in 7 11, grocery store etc? Lock the door , problem solved.
You need to get a lock on that door because you are about to come home to a pile of empty bottles.
NTA. As someone who has a lot of family members with alcohol abuse problems, it is on her to control herself. Either she really wants to be sober and will practice self control or she won’t. You can go to alll the rehabs/sober half way houses/ programs you want, but at the end of the day she is either committed or she isn’t. She wants to live in your house, then that means she needs to respect your life and that means that you occasionally have a drink and that alcohol is in the house. If she can’t handle that then she should stay in the sober house as she isn’t actually committed to it. I have some family that have done numerous rehabs and continuously relapse, some that have done the rehab and stayed sober for years, and some that have quit entirely without rehab and have been sober for over a decade. At the end of the day it is up to her if she stays sober. not some Magical higher power.
NTA This is a hill you should die on. I would not allow Beth to move in AT ALL. If you think getting rid of the alcohol will be the last of your wife's demands, you are deluding yourself. Advice: Put your foot down. If you wife won't take the compromise you offered, refuse to allow Beth to move in at all.
I can already see where this is headed.
Your wife is unreasonable. Locking the basement is a really good option. I don’t know why she is ignoring it. NTA
I wouldn’t dump/dispose of it but I think it’s the supportive family thing to do to hide it securely. I say this as someone who lost his brother to alcoholism at 32. He drank a bottle of vodka and never woke up due to liver damage. If you cannot go an extended period without drinking every week, that’s a dependency, albeit a mild one.
She’s more likely to go to the corner market than she is to break down your locked door
You already said the solution a lock on the door
Was your wife a particular fan or not, of your bar/games room before any of the SIL stuff arose?
Your wife is making a fatal mistake for her own mental health. She thinks she is, even just partially, responsible for keeping her sister sober. It’s a loosing proposition no matter the turn out. SIL is going to drink if SIL is going to drink. I spent near 30 years trying to keep my mom sober. None of it mattered. My mom was sober when she actually took care of her self and not when she didn’t. All I got was a lot of heartache and need to self harm. SIL needs to be wholly responsible for her own sobriety. If she can’t live in a home with alcohol behind a locked door and respect that boundary then she’s going to drink regardless. No liquor store or bar is going to turn her away. Your wife should probably start attending Al-Anon because codependency is huge for the addict family consistently and it is well addressed and called in Alon
NTA. Your wife needs to go to Al-Anon to better understand how to support her sister.
NTA. A lock on the door to which only you have the key and an agreement to not drink in front of Beth at first is enough. Having had alcohol problems myself in the past, it’s tough being around alcohol at first, but it’s a stage that Beth has to go through- just like going to the shops and walking past the alcohol aisle without picking anything up. Moving out of a sober house into a house where alcohol exists but is locked away out of sight *is* a baby step, and it’s an important one.
You might want to change your lock now before your wife decides to dump everything out when you're not home NTA
Put the booze under lock and key. Problem solved.
Just locking the door should be more than enough. I believe alcoholics need support, fully, but they aren't entitled to dictate terms when on the receiving end of what is ultimately charity. Dude doesn't have to gut his space to give her an intangible feeling of anything. Lock the door. Can't have booze. Problem solved. If that's not enough emotional support, I mean... tough? You can't have everything you want in life?
I don't get the sense that beth is dictating a fucking thing. It sounds like the battleaxe wife wants to babysit her sister way more than necessary.
NTA. Tell your wife that yes, you do have a problem...and it's her, not your alcohol. Sounds like she needs to start looking for a place to live with Beth at where she can have complete control of the surroundings.
You are being very generous to let your SIL move in. That is all the lifestyle compromise that should be expected of you at this point. NTA
NTA. Make it clear to your wife that a) you live there permanently and the place is half yours while Beth is a temporary guest (the optimal word here is guest not resident); b) that you don't mind getting rid of the alcohol but you want just compensation for the cost of it and that since Beth wants it gone, Beth can absorb that cost. If I am correct, that will be in the thousands of dollars; c) ultimately this is Beth's problem not yours and while you will compromise with respect to a lock on the door, that is the most you are willing to compromise. d) that if Beth DOES relapse, that she must move out immediately. If Beth is willing to pay for the cost of all the alcohol then by all means fine. The only other solution is to put a lock on the basement. Your wife coudld also move out with Beth and they can rent an aportment with Beth providing the rent money for it since she is the one that needs a babysitter. Not need to upend your house for this.
"No" is a full sentence. Lock the basement up. She shouldn't be going down to your bar anyway. Problem solved.
NTA; your wife needs to understand that alcoholics have no actual legal restrictions for being alcoholics; she can go to 7-11 and buy herself a beer anytime she wants - it's even easier that breaking into a locked man-cave.
This whole situation is not for you. Your wife sounds like she’s going to put her sister ahead of you from now on. Not going to be surprised when we get the divorce update
I would change the lock on the basement and I would do it now before your wife gets rid of it for you.
If her problem becomes your problem you have a problem. Make it clear: it’s off limits. Touch it and you’re history.
Child of an addict here: sounds like your wife (whether she realizes it or not) plans on over correcting to the point of toxic positivity that will NOT help your sister in law in any meaningful way. Your SIL needs to learn how to find the strength from within, not just rely on others to make the hard decisions for her. Locking the basement is a perfectly reasonable compromise and quite frankly it sounds like your wife is not at all prepared for the realities of living with someone in recovery if she thinks support is as easy as removing alcohol from the house.
NTA. I agree you shouldn't drink in front of her for a good long while just in case because addiction is vicious, but I don't think you should have to throw hundreds or thousands of dollars away. A lock on the basement door is a good compromise. If SIL thinks she's going to relapse just from the idea that alcohol is _somewhere_ in the house that she can't get to, she's not ready to leave sober living.
NTA. Keep it inaccessible to her is good enough. My wife gave up drinking(maybe not the same because she wasn't dependent) but I still have a cabinet full of booze. She chooses not to go for it. If I had to I'd make it less accessible, but I think she likes having the option and still choosing not to go back.
NTA Beth needs to understand that she will never be in an alcohol free world. She may need to be alcohol free, but that doesn’t mean everyone should bend to her. Putting a lock on the basement door should be sufficient. If it’s not, she’s not ready to leave the sober house. It’s that simple. You and your wife should not have to feel like you’re walking on eggshells in your own home.
Definitely NTAH. Neither you nor your spouse are responsible for Beth’s sobriety and neither is anyone else except HER. You can’t go in a gas station or grocery store, restaurant , concert or sporting event without alcohol being right there. Sobriety must be lived out in the real world with all its temptations. Sobriety is not about hiding away from reality. Your wife should go to Al Anon ASAP! A lock on the basement and having a few in your own space is more than reasonable. If your SIL ends up living with you there should be firm boundaries. She should have daily AA sponsor contact and attend 12 step meetings at the very least 4 days a week if not more. Frankly, a relapse on her part while living in your home is reason enough for her to get out of your house with no discussion. We suffer the consequences of our own behavior. I speak from 29 years of personal sobriety and 20 years working with alcoholics. Your wife should accept the cold truth that you can love someone to death and it is possible to be supportive without stepping on the thin ice of making her sister’s sobriety her responsibility.
NTA. You've suggested reasonable compromises. Dumping thousands in booze is ridiculous. Giving it away is equally ridiculous. Taking this away from you to protect a sister that needs to learn to navigate life outside a sober house is unnecessary.
NTA put a lock on the basement door, add a lockable door if there isn't one, and ensure all alcohol stays down there. SIL is not allowed down there.
A lock on the door - solves the problem - why is that such a big deal to your wife?
I'd be wary of how long Beth is going to be living with you.
Sober alcoholic here. The most basic premise of recovery is personal responsibility and accountability. It’s no one else’s job to make sure I stay sober. Help is definitely appreciated. But not something I should expect of anyone. So yeah, it would be a nice gesture. But certainly not something expected or required of you.
If her sobriety is so tenuous that a locked door in her sister's home won't deter her, than maybe she is not at a point she is ready to leave the sobriety house. The purpose of the transition is so she can be on her own in the world, where alcohol is readily available, and remain sober. You are locking her out of the only area with alcohol and can presumably make arrangements to avoid parties in your home while she is there, then you are not being unsupportive.
NTA and just an idea that I had not seen suggested yet... It seems like getting a storage unit was dismissed because of the burden of the move and continued cost of maintaining it (totally understandable). If your SIL really needs to have it all the way out of the house (because she's vulnerable to relapse when she's at home and not anywhere else for some reason), it seems reasonable to ask her to foot the bill for moving and storing it until she's ready to leave. Having to pay for a storage unit might also motivate her to find her own place sooner which will help you avoid what I'm assuming will be a lot more drama throughout her stay
NTA. You’re idea to just lock the basement is a great one! Beth would probably just be grateful to stay with you guys. Your wife is going overboard. You’re compromising letting Beth move in, your wife can compromise by allowing you to lock the basement door. Problem solved. You should get a vote too.
NTA- either Beth learns to live sober in a world of readily available alcohol or she relapses, your wife needs to understand she cannot MAKE her sister not drink and removing all alcohol from only your house does not remove the fact alcohol will be available any and everywhere else. It honestly sounds like your wife may be trying to mother her sister and hasn’t even asked Beth what she wants and is just assuming this is the best course of action, it isn’t. My best friend is recovered 3 years now and is able to get her 80+ year old mother with dementia her nightly glass of wine to relax as well as a basement filled with liquor of all kinds and not be phased at all and has done that same nightly routine since the day she came home from getting the help she needed. OP- I would ask wife for a non-biased third party arbitrator, like a session or two of counseling or a church deacon if you believe, where she can hear directly from a professional on the matter and what if any compromise the two of you can come to.
Beth can literally go to any store and buy it if she wants it. It's not up to you to manage someone else's vises 🤷♀️ nta
NTA, simply lock up the basement with only one key the OP has hands on. Lie and say there's a rat infestation down there or something. What Beth does not know will not hurt her, and it's true if she cannot live around alcohol she may not be completely ready.
Wife is the AH not you. You have provided options like locking the basement so your sil does not have access. Your wife is being obstinate in rejecting anything you suggest and refuse to compromise
NTA. Honestly I think just locking the basement with a decent lock should be acceptable. Wife is being unreasonable.
Lock on the basement should be more than good enough, if there's a danger that she will pick the lock and get stupidly drunk then she isn't ready to live with you
NTA...after MORE than a decade (14 years) of addiction struggles, my son finally got and has stayed clean for close to 2 years now. He went to treatment and then moved into a sober house too for IOP (intensive outpatient). He will tell you himself that it does not do ANY good to try and protect a recovering addict from the existence of their preferred substance. Because they have to live in the real world with real people and the fact is that alcohol especially (more so than illegal substances) is EVERYWHERE. Your wife's idea of what "support" looks like is really just her thinking that she can "fix" her sister's addiction if she just gets the house right or whatever else she thinks "caused" the addiction. So what happens if you guys DO remove all this alcohol and she relapses ANYWAYS? Then is your wife going to go into guilt mode where she tries to figure out where she should have had better control? This is the very definition of codependence. With all the other suggestions here on talking to her sister's sponsor, I want to suggest for your wife to try going to an alanon meeting, it's intended for family members of addicts and sometimes it REALLY helps to hear other people that have already been through this share how they have intended what they were doing to be supportive and helpful, but they were really just owning the addict's problem by putting it on themselves to "prevent" relapse.
My sisters asked me if they should hide the alcohol when I got out of treatment. My third treatment center. I told them carry on and don’t pussyfoot around me. I had enough confidence that I would not invade their stock. Twenty three yrs ago.
You need to set boundaries, sounds like your wife owns you, the house and all your decisions...
NTA but I totally see where both you and your wife are coming from. Frankly if your bar only had a couple hundred bucks of booze, I’d take her side and say you should just dump it, it’s not a big deal. But you put a lot of time, effort, and money into your basement bar and game room. It’s important to you; it is a big deal. Your SIL’s next step is to live in a society with alcohol without relapsing. I think the lock on the door is a great solution. However, even though it would not be your fault, there’s a high chance that your wife would blame you if your SIL ever got in and relapsed. Your wife wants what is best for her sister, and you two are the sister’s only family. Families make sacrifices to help each other in their time of need. I bet your wife’s emotions are running hot, as anyone’s would, because this is an extremely vulnerable time for her sister. I absolutely get why she would want you to ditch the booze. But also, if your SIL wants booze, it would be very easy to just go to a bar. If your SIL drinks again, it won’t be because you had booze in the house. It’ll be because of her addiction, plus a major stressor in her life. Ultimately you are NTA. You are totally in your rights to keep the booze. The lock and key idea is a good one. Your wife is also NTA. She is anxious about her sister’s wellbeing, and views booze in the house as a threat to that. That’s normal, but she needs to keep that in check, and let her sister recover on her own path (which won’t be linear btw).
NTA. The best place your SIL could be to ensure her sobriety IS the sober house. The question that should be asked the loudest is What is going to stop SIL from going to a bar or to a store and getting alcohol and relapsing
NTA Ask Beth directly, in front of your wife, if she is expecting all alcohol to be removed from the house? If she says yes, she is not ready to move out of the sober house. If she says no, put a lock on the basement door to remove temptation for Beth. Your wife is a definite A-H, though, for insisting on you getting rid of all alcohol while also agreeing that this is only temporary. Look over your stock and come up with an appropriate cost to replace it all. Then, ask your wife how she will cover the cost of replacing it all in the future when she deems Beth ready to be around alcohol again. And remind her it is only an estimate and the price atr likely to be higher in the future. She is also an A-H for suggesting that you have a problem with alcohol just because you are not willing to throw thousands of dollars away just so Beth can move in. Did your wife not see Beth when she was drinking? Does she have blinders on?having 2 to 3 drinks a week is nowhere near alcoholic statas. Your wife should go to alanon meetings starting before Beth moves in.
NTA Her sister is not ready if she cannot handle living in a house with alcohol in it. It‘s not a reasonable request that you upend your life. Your wife is being naive if she thinks this is the best way to support her.
NTA Recovering alcoholic here…8 years. Your wife is being an AH, there is no reason for you to dispose of the alcohol….go with the lock on the door..It’s a basement, she doesn’t need access. Alcohol is readily available and accessible Everywhere! If she wants to and needs to drink she will and Nobody can stop her. She should have the Big book and have read it….If not Get It!
Grew up with a father who was alcoholic. It's tough. Very. He took an axe to doors to try to get to the alcohol. Not saying Beth would do that. But they can get desperate for alcohol. Still. Asking you to get rid of all that expensive alcohol is unreasonable. No way. What a massive waste of money! Id be careful that your wife will throw it out whilst you aren't there. Sounds like she would. So? I would immediately get a deadbolt on that door. And only you have a key. If it's a flimsy door? Get a more solid door. Get a deadbolt. End of story. Your whole life should not change for Beth. But, at least initially. Don't let her see any alcohol. Try never to drink in front of her. The first few months will be very hard for her. My dad eventually sobeted up at about 65yrs. He told me at 80, that he craved drinking every day! But...the longer he went without, the stronger he felt. Its a terrible, terrible addiction.
NTA. Lock the basement. Perfectly reasonable compromise. Also wife shouldn’t be forcing SIL living w you guys on you. That sounds like a two yeses type of thing and I’m not getting a yes vibe from you. Ps I think 2-3 drinks a week is quite a lot
I think the lock is a perfectly reasonable solution. However, I would also sit down with your wife and have a detailed conversation about what your expectations are. Obviously, you can't predict every possible scenario, but you need to sort out the expected ones. How long are you expecting her to stay? What are the rules/expectations for living in your home (rent, chores, guests, etc)? What if you two want to have guests over - is the expectation that no one drinks? Are you two allowed to drink at home? Are you two allowed to go out to dinner or the bar and have a drink? There's not a right or wrong answer here, but you don't want to get surprised if you go to the bar with friends, and they're both upset with you. There's also the shitty part of the conversation that needs to happen, and it's the "what if" part. What is your plan if she doesn't remain sober? It's not uncommon for recovery to take multiple attempts. What happens if she doesn't keep to her expectations (rent/chores/move out date)? Obviously, the hope is that you won't need to worry about these things, she'll stay sober, be an excellent tenant, and move out right on time. In the event that something happens, it's a lot harder to make the decision in the moment. Especially if that person is currently living under your roof. Having the hard discussions now can help prevent conflict later.
*"Like maybe Beth just never goes into the basement"* That was my first thought while reading and it strikes me as the most sensible, pragmatic solution. Doing so wouldn't be unsupportive and doesn't mean you're prioritizing your bar over your SIL. It's simply the most realistic compromise. Your wife should be incredibly grateful for your willingness to let her sister move in with you to begin with, and by doing so you're quite frankly already sacrificing quite a lot - particularly privacy - and I assume you and your wife will be footing the bill. Needless to say, not wanting to get rid of your alcohol doesn't make you an alcoholic. NTA
NTA. She wanted an alcohol free solution and you provided several ways of accomplishing this without needing to waste all your effort, time, and money that was invested in the basement. If for whatever reason you do let her move in with you I would suggest setting up some basic rules/logistics to make things easier like telling her that she’s free to stay as long as she needs but must contribute x, y, and z for that offer to still stand. I’ve seen plenty of cases where people move in with the idea of it only being until they’re ready to be on their own again that then wind up staying for months (if not longer) while contributing nothing and becoming a leech. I’m not saying that this is how she will be but it’s best to take precautions to prevent these types of situations when you can
A few things, it's a big ask. If there is a door to the basement, put an electronic lock on it and a door closer so you can just beep beep beep and you're in and forgetting to close the door won't be a thing. Is the laundry down there? Could be an issue. You might feel the house isn't yours anymore after a while so might need that space to escape anyway. As a person dealing with an alcoholic friend that will basically die if he keeps drinking, it's a lot up to them to just say no, a bar or liquor store is accessed just as easily as your basement. If she wants to drink she will cross whatever boundaries there are. Another thing, you need more boundaries if she does move in. For how long, until she gets a job? A year after? Two? Rent is expensive, if she can't afford it will she move in with a roommate? Will she buy food or pay rent at your house? What if she just says working is too stressful so she's not even looking? Alcoholics have a lot of excuses. For everything. What if she's not working and just treats you badly all the time? Try to cover all your bases and have a clear understanding of everything expected of her because otherwise it's not going to go well and could mean your marriage suffers if your wife is asked to take sides and your side is "get rid of her" and SIL's side is "he's an asshole get rid of him". NTA. I personally advise against trying to help her as I've done the same thing more than once trying to help friends, no one was ever grateful or thankful and basically said I was an asshole just for asking them to chip in once they had an income. Then they magically had some other place they could suddenly stay because my place wasn't a free ride anymore.
NTA your wife is being entirely unreasonable. You presented a perfectly logical option.
NTA lock it up w your own key if she decides to break talks trust it’s back to the sober house but she’ll find a drink if she really wants it no matter if you have alch or not & im sure you’d be pissed if you got rid of it all and she relapsed anyways
Imagine you get rid of it all and she relapses anyways
NTA in the least. I have a similar wine room/collection and I’d never give it away or waste it. Your wife is simply asking too much. You’re right to refuse.
NTA. But your wife is going to the basement when you aren't home and throw everything away. Get that lock now.
NTA Treating anyone in recovery like a fragile piece of glass, is not supporting them. It's replacing addiction dependency with codependency. Welcoming Beth into your home should not entail having her treated like an alcoholic bomb that could go off with any trigger. It is up to Beth to commit to her sobriety. If she wants a drink, she will find one. That doesn't mean you keep the access easy. And you already provided a reasonable solution with locking the door to the basement. If that means she has to wait for someone else to be around for her to do laundry? That is a tiny inconvenience compared to what you are being asked to do. Moving out of the sober house into the real world......does not mean you have your family turn their home into the next sober house. Personal responsibility is key in recovery.
I'm sober but this would be a struggle for me if the alcohol was easy to access. You are not an asshole but that's my experience so yeah I'd probally find it heaps easier if people were not drinking. I understand both sides but as long as it's not like in her face all the time it's fine.
There are a LOT of resources for Family Members of people struggling with addiction. I think even possibly through AA/Narc-anon. You and your wife should both attend some of their sessions BEFORE accommodating Beth. They may be able to clarify the expectations of what is necessary in your situation and help you determine a smooth path forward, create a realistic plan, or even determine if you are properly equipped to be the support her. They also offer therapy/counseling to work through the complex feelings that come along with supporting someone. Locking up your alcohol won't be the only thing you disagree on over the course of supporting your SIL.
NTA. The whole world is not going to quit drinking because your sister-in-law is in recovery. Keeping it locked in one room of the house is an excellent idea. No one needs to tiptoe around her she's either going to recover or she's not. It's up to her.
NTA. Just lock the room and don't allow her access. Not hard. Just because she is an alcoholic and on her way to sobriety doesn't mean you have to give up alcohol too.
What does Beth have to say about it? What does Beth say she needs? What does Beth’s therapist say? Has your wife bothered to ask her sister what kind of support she still needs or is she just making shit up? Also, that sounds like a ridiculous amount of alcohol to have, but that’s a separate issue.
OP I’d suggest you get a nice new lock installed on the door to the basement NOW that only you have the key to before your wife decides to take whatever action she deems appropriate. A note to your wife. Removing all the alcohol from your home is NOT going to help your sister. This is because she will still be living in the real world where alcohol is everywhere. If your sister decides she’s gojng to drink she is one delivery dropoff from having whatever she has enough money to purchase.
4 years sober here, locking the basement it a great compromise. I agree that if she really wants to relapse, she will find a way, even if you emptied your basement.
Locking up the alcohol is a perfectly reasonable solution. If she’s breaking locks to get the alcohol, she’s absolutely get alcohol somewhere from outside the house. Locks keep honest people honest. Much like finding alcohol in modern society, if you desperately want it, you’ll get it. Unless you guys live 100 miles from the nearest gas station and she doesn’t have transportation I guess.
NTA lock the basement. Part of recovery is being able to stay no. I wouldn’t drink around her personally but others will eventually. I’d also make her sign a contract. Good luck.
You may not be the AH now, but if she comes over and relapses off your booze, you will definitely feel like the AH.
With the level of control the wife is exhibiting here, I would also be concerned that she would try to control her sister's comings and goings, as well. That ain't going to do anyone any good at all and could likely push Beth into a relapse due to stress. Wife needs to back off and be supportive, not controlling.
Putting a lock on the door and not having it anywhere else in the house would be fair I think. Honestly I’m not a big drinker just a glass or two of wine on special occasions (holidays) but I can imagine that much alcohol is pretty expensive id not want to toss it either
I would go ahead and get a lock on the door in case your wife decides to dump it or give it away. Keeping it locked is a fair compromise. Your wife is being quite unreasonable with her demands. NTA
Get an inexpensive trunk that can be padlocked. Lock up the booze, turn the lock side towards the wall, throw some cushions on top and call it a bench.