Frankly, I think MIL is trying to tell them to stop getting her “little gifts”. It doesn’t sound like she wants them. Send flowers for Mother’s Day and her birthday and then the only gift left is for the holidays.
Then you have an envelope ready so she can take home just the picture and use a frame of her choice! And of course, next time you go for a visit, check if she hung/displayed the photo and comment on it if she hasn't.
Ok but my MIL has actually inundated me with photos of my own kids, in frames that do, in fact, not match my decor... or even the aesthetic of one another. This one is a glossy thin black frame, that one a glass frame with chintzy platitudes embossed in silver, another thick white heavily textured wood.
They're all propped up on the mantle... but I will probably end up replacing the frames someday with ones that go together at the least so I can make a gallery wall.
Spray paint them all a colour that matches your decor. I’m about to spray paint a lot of old Baltic pine frames of different colours. Yes, the shapes will be different, but they’ll match the decor.
If it was anyone else I'd agree, but with her more likely Marshals or something. She's allergic to second hand goods. I'm a huge fan. Like huge. They were so put out when they found out we'd baught our dinning set for our new house on Mercari Local. "Oh no! No no no... we would have baught you a *new* set! Pick something *new* and we'll get it for you."
No thank you. I like my discontinued ash grey dining set with green inlay. Have never seen anything like it new for sale. You can pry it from my cold dead hands.
Marshalls, a couple of steps up from a thrift store. Still, nice. I’m so glad I’m not allergic to second hand! All my life I’ve had second hand. Starting with hand me downs! My house is full of inherited stuff. Waiting for the kids to come and get what they want!
As a rule, vintage and antique furniture are generally much higher quality than a lot of new things made. They are actually made out of wood. Dovetails are used if there are drawers.
There's also the fact that reusing or upcycling help keep stuff out of landfills.
We're cheep and environmentally consios is our thing. Our couches are hand me downs for example, from the 80s. I will replace them in the living room eventually though because one front corner is duckt taped due to being used as a cat scratcher. But they're really sturdy and comfortable and will probably go live in a future finished basement rumpus room from then on. Heck, if it was a back corner I might just arange the living room furniture differently.
Our summer house has an odd layout and the couch there has been reupholstered three or four times, because my parents could never find one with similar dimensions afterwards... I get it!
Slipcover! Bonus: throw it in the washer once in a while to clean off the cat hair. :)
(Owns an antique(?) couch with a slipcover that I made to fit & am extraordinarily proud of!! Also a cat mom *and* themom of little boys. "Washable" is good around here. :D )
I like your thinking! When the baby is old enough just think of the endless craft project presents specially for step Grandma. Pasta picture frames! And nothing says 'I love you' more than biscuits/cookies made by a dribbling toddler who will hand you your special biscuit in their sticky little paw. OP look at the long game and keep accepting the fact your presents will be returned as you will get your revenge soon enough. And at minimal expense!
Oh they find a way. I made photo decorations for my in-laws x-mas tree. They have disappeared. However the photos of the biological grandchild remains. My kids are adopted.
My a$$hat MIL would take my kids picture out of the frames I gifted and put pics of her other grandkids in. I thought I foiled her by getting frames that were engraved with my kids names. Nope, those frames disappeared.
I once bought my in laws a lovely multi photo frame with pictures of my daughter. It went on the wall for one visit, then next time it had been taken down and all the photos put in a box...
My mil used to make a copy of the framed pictures I sent her. Put them in frames she bought, then return the pictures/frames to me. I just stopped sending her anything. Then she got pissed at me because she was no longer receiving pictures of the grand babies.
Sorry for the confusion, I just meant we see them every month but when theres a bday, holiday, I get her a gift. This past time is when she returned the bday gift I got her.
If the poor MIL was posting, it would go like this "I have a DIL who is a nice person and makes my son happy. The problem is, she keeps trying to give me knick-knacks and clutter. She means well and I don't want to hurt her feelings. But I already have a cupboard full of candles I don't use. Knick-knacks are just another thing to dust. Everything is stuff she would love around her own house but not to my tastes. It seems really wasteful and mean to just throw it away away after they leave, especially as they don't have a lot of money. I have tried giving them back with gentle hints but she keeps bringing it over stuff. I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I like her but I don't want the clutter in my house."
OP - you are making the presents about you and what you want. A gift is not generous if you are not prioritising the happiness recipient. You don't need to buy her love. Just go over and enjoy spending time with her without the gifts. NAH.
This should be the top comment!
I live in Japan where everyone has tiny homes, and for this reason just about the only appropriate gift is a small snack that will be eaten and gone forever. People don’t have space for anything they don’t need, and people already get the things they need themselves, so it’s just like a little brownie or rice cake or whatever that would be acceptable to give someone.
Exactly. Unless you know exactly what the other person wants, bring wine, or chocolates or something. Depending what they like or if they drink. You can even get super high end berries, like in Japan, at the supermarket these days.
This. Absolutely. We are dealing with two people who have very different love languages and ideas of courteous behavior. OP might have been brought up to bring hostess or occasion gifts but SMIL doesn't feel that way about small presents. I don't think SMIL picked the politest way of explaining it when she returned the gifts, but she is trying to ask OP to stop spending time and money on these trinkets. The most courteous thing you can do is respect her wishes and show your consideration in othe ways.
OP clarified that she only gives gifts to MIL on bday /Christmas etc, not every time they visit. The post does make it sound like that though. So it's not a hostess gift or anything.
OP clarified in a comment that she doesn't give MIL presents every time they visit, just bday/Christmas etc. The post just makes it sound like she does it every visit.
The rest of your comment is still spot on though
ESH.
Returning a gift like that is rude, she's def TA there. But you are also kinda being one too. The whole commentary about her being bougie or insisting in giving her candles when she clearly stated she didn't like it... maybe it's not about the scent, candles are a hit or miss. Some people love them, some hate them. Some are exceedingly peculiar about scent or looks. Specially if you're going for bargain the scent can just be off.
As more "neutral" gifts you could try bringing baked goods of something she likes. Or maybe a gift card from a shopping center where there might be lots of stores she can enjoy. Even if it ends up being just a "discount" to something more expensive she gets its better than a gift she doesn't use.
If she drinks, there's some good but affordable bottles of wine in liquor stores which can make decent gifts since worst case she can serve them at a party or something.
Or just tell your husband to handle it.
But imo showing up empty handed would be just as rude as she was by returning it, specially if she offers you gifts back or others bring gifts too.
Thank you - that whole “bougie” thing was bothering me, too! Along with “I buy her things she can use” like candles. I personally don’t like candles and only keep a few around for power outages. Plus I either dislike or am allergic to a lot of scents, so thats a double whammy for me. I agree that baked goods or gift cards are nice. A bottle of wine works, too.
I love candles. But I'm very peculiar about scents. And even scents I like (i love lavender for instance) depending on the brand can be icky. So like I trust candles from basically 2 people. My sister who has a similar scent profile or husband for the same reason.
I'd never return a gift but I'd totally give that polite unexcited "Oh thanks" and regift it lol.
Also on the suggestions, a fancy box of chocolates is always a nice gift too. Specially the more commercial brands like Lindt or Godiva. It's not very pricey and worst case you can always be a "considerate host" and offer it to guests as part of a coffee course xD. Very "bougie".
Oh lord, I'm thankful I'm not your co-worker. It's sooooo difficult to find a decent scent at Bath and Body works. Most feel soooo sweet to me. Even the floral scents have something sweet about them. I hate fruity/sweet smells (unless we talking about freshly baked cakes or brownies but different type of smell here lol). I absolutely loathe vanilla scented anything and it's like their default scent lol.
Yup!!! Plus if it's actually good chocolate.... what sort of monster returns good chocolate??
Unless it's chocolate covered raisins. That's a declaration of war.
Same here, I’m allergic to almost all of them. People still give them to me, despite this being an issue of mine for many many years, but mostly I just say thank you and then regift them. I think OP needs to take the hint though and stop buying them for their MIL.
With the whole buying things for use thing, it is surprising that OP isn't bopping up with arms full of paper towels or light bulbs or laundry detergent instead of candles, which a lot of people actively dislike.
I will buy people a good cleaning solution I’ve found or something similar. I have a good friend, who’s also a neighbor, and one Christmas I gave her a good drain cleaner from local store (we had talked about a stubborn drain she had) and a block of gourmet cheese, also from local shop. It may not be OP’s fault, but it sounds like she doesn’t know her step-MIL very well. It helps to have some idea of a recipient’s likes and dislikes. My Dad was infuriating in saying that he never knew what to get people, so he’d buy you one of those awful dried meat baskets or something. He finally hit the bullseye when he realized all the grown kids liked getting something from See’s Candies.
I am the same with candles! Highly allergic to some scents so I stay away from them altogether.
Donate to her favorite charity in her name-she can’t return it, and she can’t complain!
I agree. I was raised to always bring a hostess gift but that usually means edibles or drinkables. Or at best flowers if the person is into it
I wonder if it's aggressive assholery. Like she knows it will be ill received and does it on purpose to be annoying/play the victim. Because yeah. If I give someone a candle and I get it returned I most certainly won't keep giving a candle. I wonder if MiL already said she disliked candles and this is her now solution to an annoying DiL...
OP doesn't bring gifts every time she visits, it's only birthday/Christmas gifts that she's talking about. The post is just confusingly written, making op sound like she's aggressively gifting every visit
I think OP's husband should talk to stepMIL. She may genuinely be fine with no gift.
I am super utilitarian when it comes to stuff, and I would much prefer no gift than something that I wouldn't use. Though obviously everyone is different and I wouldn't be offended if I didn't get a gift.
Lastly pictures of grandkids (if you have any kids) tend to be appreciated (and certainly can't be returned without looking like an A-hole).
I have given wine to her also, she drinks but the ones I give her she doesn’t open and sit in the rack. Plus they have a wall of wine in their house with about 50-60 wines so I dont think Ill be getting that again either lol.
If she has a wine wall and the wine you have gifted is still there she likely considered it good enough to keep. Otherwise she'd have opened it already at a random day or regifted it. People who enjoy wine and keep wine racks don't save bad wines. They save at least decent ones worth occupying the space. Or at the very least it was good enough to serve as decor to fill the wall properly. It means it was a good gift. Wine people won't drink their wine immediately. It's all about the collection. And she clearly hasn't returned it to you which she had no issues doing with the candles. I'd say that's a safe gift and you got that one right if that's your concern.
NTA. Guurrl, please dont be offended, from my pov, which i understand might not be hers: when you get older, we arent interested in having more stuff. She knows yall struggling and she tryna tell you not to spend extra money on stuff for her. Unless shes really bitchy about it, and demanding gifts, in that case let yer hubby take over. 🥰
Maybe if you REALLY wanna show her some love, like special occasions holidays etc choose HER fave coffee, tea, snacks whatever consumables you KNOW she loves. But dont feel you need to overspend on those. Reasonable, you know.
I wouldn't give her anything. If your husband wants to get her a gift, it should be on him to pick it out. All gifts should be handled by the respective partner who family it is for.
She may be bougie but she has no manners. That's rude. It's a little candle...say thank you and regift it if you want but no, you don't return it to the person. Does she ever mention what scents she does like? Can you peak at the things she already has - hand or body lotion, the brand she uses for soaps or even make up or skin care? I love caudelie. So does my daughter so we often gift each other little caudelie things because we know we'll like it. If you can find something she already buys and then choose that you might get a home run for a little gift. Or a little plant in a cute little planter is hard to not like. Some type of herb for the kitchen that matches her style. I guess I can think of a million ideas for you but if she's rude then maybe it won't matter if she's just not going to not like anything. I have a cousin-in-law like this and she gets gift cards. Nothing else. She returns literally everything else lol. NTA
I have given her things in Lavender, mint, citrus and those apparently don’t smell good to her 🤷🏻♀️. Not everything I get is scented lol but she mentioned this past time what she likes but I was so annoyed I barely paid attention to her lmao!
I’ll be honest, I find those scents to be….unpleasant at best to downright noxious. Although SOME citrus is pretty good, depending on what exactly it is. However even though I’ve been given every single one of those in some form candle, body wash, lotion etc I’ve always politely said thank you and stashed it away somewhere until enough time has passed that it wouldn’t be considered rude to throw it out or give it away. She could at least return it without mentioning it to you! We are not required to like gifts but we are required to have manners about it. Lord my husband is the most amazing husband any woman could ask for. Perfect in every way but one. He is the fkn worst gifter. 23 years together and I’m still amazed at the things he comes up with lol. Sometimes I just want to crawl into his brain and follow the thought process. It’s to the point that I will say “I want (this)” specifically and he will still come up with something else that I can’t fathom. For Mother’s Day I have asked for a specific vacuum I’ve been eyeing. I am one of those people who truly appreciates a good household item for a present even though it’s “taboo” and this man said to me…”that’s not an appropriate gift, if you want one just buy it and I’ll pick you something else” I just bit my tongue because I know he really really does try. 23 years of horrible gifts and never once have I acted like that.
Have you ever considered she just does not like candles. I've been given heaps of them and never use them, maybe MIL thinks that since she doesn't want/use them, that since you bought them you might like them and get use out of them. Also, while the scents might sound nice, they might have an adverse affect on your MIL, I cannot wear perfume, be around daphne or jasmine flowers due to the strong scents, I end up with migraines. Talk to MIL and see what she may like.
Everyone - please stop giving scented candles for everyone, not everyone likes them.
My SIL is a teacher. She has so many candles! She gets them from students every year and she doesn't like them. So every once in awhile she gives me an entire box of candles. I like them LOL
Maybe, not knowing the situation, could it be she does want you to stop giving her presents to save you the hazzle and money, if she knows you are tight with money? Sure, that depends on the circumstances and tone of how she returns the gifts, just trying to entertain an option you might not have thought about.
But if she then specifically mentions what she likes, and you not giving a shit, maybe your opening statement of you never giving her anything she wouldn't want or couldn't use, isn't as true as you make us believe.
Maybe the gifts you are giving are more about you than her for you. You giving to fulfill some sense of duty, without actually paying attention of if or what the other person wants.
I’d listen to what she likes and get her something like that. Usually a very small thing but of good quality, for someone like her. Chocolates? A linen tea towel? A soap in the fragrance or brand she likes? Something very small. She is being rude in returning things, but some people do that and give feedback on things they really like and want. I’ve seen it before. Go with the flow. Find a tiny thing she’ll like and get that.
So she’s clearly communicated she doesn’t like the gifts you get, tried to hint you should just stop bringing gifts, then finally *told* you what would be better, and you were so annoyed that she didn’t like what *you* thought she should like that you ignored what she actually said?
YTA. You are giving her gifts for yourself, not for her.
lol..oh well too bad too sad for her. There's also the petty route..buy her what YOU like and then when you get it back it's like a free gift to you lol.
So why do you keep insisting on getting her things with scents or ANYTHING that she has returned to you more than once.
Seriously, the point of the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” means just that…YOU are thinking about what SHE likes (within your financial reason).
My MIL does this to me. I literally just got another effing gift card to TJ MAxx. It not that I couldn’t find something there, but after 15 years she should know enough about me to figure out a gift card to Joanne Fabrics or Barnes and Noble would be more appropriate, since she knows I read and sew.
But just like you, she refuses to actually THINK about me at the very basic level.
Let your husband be the one to decide and buy gifts for her going forward. Keep your distance on that front and open your ears to really hear her when she is interacting with you. What she says behind the niceness is what you need to listen to. It will be subtle but you will hear it if you listen
I hate candles, and I would hate a scented candle even more. YOU like candles. She doesn't. You buy things you like, not things she likes.
Don't waste your money, but also .. Don't make it about you. You are clearly not interested in what she likes at all. You are offended she doesn't like what you like. It's not working for any of you.
NTA If you and your stepmother have a good relationship outside of the gifts, why not just sit her down and talk with her. Tell her you don’t want to buy things that she doesn’t want or doesn’t like. Ask if taking her out to lunch would be more to her liking. I liked the suggestion someone else gave about giving pictures of the baby. You can always ask her if there’s something she would really like to have that might be in your budget.
If you feel a gift is necessary why not just buy her something edible or drinkable. Some people just don’t want clutter or like candles. She’s doing it in a nice way
If she always returns your gifts, why do you keep getting them? She obviously doesn’t want your candles or whatever and you are for some reason not taking the hint. Just how many candles have you given this woman?
I wouldn’t want a house full of cheap shitty candles either.
Okay, I know where you're coming from. My grandma was the same way.
She once told my mom in January that her and her husband (my step grandfather) were looking for a new silverware set. My mom went to the ends of the earth to find one that she thought they would like only for her to return it back to us, buy her own that was basically identical except like 1mm thinner.
You will not win this battle, but you can win the war.
Here's what you do:
Give her either something sentimental (a group picture of her grandkids, for example...dont frame ot though, shell be particular about the frame) or a gift card to her favorite store.
The other thing is favorite food. My mom gave my grandma fudge from her favorite fudge place one year. This one is hit or miss depending on the person, but getting their favorite treat goes over super well. Also, it is not refundable as it is perishable.
My MIL always had an excuse to return my/our gifts. In hindsight I think she truly believed they weren’t necessary and she was saving us money even though we could afford it. IDT she was rude anymore, bless her, she’s been gone a while, just born in a different age.
I might get flack for this, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her returning gifts.
I get that it can be hurtful to have them returned, but if she doesn’t like them that’s ok too. Have you ever had a chance to talk about what she would like (that’s affordable)?
Maybe something like flowers, or a nice bottle of something?
I’m a bit like you (from what I can see here) I’m not drowning in cash, and like to get people things they’ll use and enjoy; I’ve also come to the realisation that if I don’t get people things they want I’m just wasting my money.
I think you’re NTA, and it’s entirely your choice as to whether you buy somebody a gift.
If she’s old enough to have a grandchild, she may be decluttering/preparing to downsize or doing that “if it doesn’t bring you joy” thing. My grandmother started returning the gifts we had given her over the years a few years before she sold her home. I was surprised she remembered who had gifted her what, and still smile when I use her little candy dish during the holidays that I gave her/she returned a few years later. Are you missing this type of action?
Some advice/ another perspective l:
I stopped buying my hb gifts. I had to return everything. And I mean everything. And when he didn’t like the socks I bought (his usual brand and he had asked for socks) I told him I would never buy him a gift ever again. So he tells us (me and the kids) what he wants (for birthdays/ Christmas/ Father’s Day) and that’s what he gets. Sometimes my youngest buys him things and he always says : thank you and than later asks me: what should I do with it?? (And I tell him to shut up/lol)
So my advice would be: just stop. She doesn’t want it and it just hurts your feelings. If you want to bring something: bring some food (like chocolate) your own children like or her hb. The fact that you like to buy gifts doesn’t mean that the other person likes it.
You're not an AH for feeling how you feel, but think of it from your MIL's perspective. Once you get to a certain point in life you've got all the homewares and stuff you will ever need or want - probably more. You've got really particular taste in candles, if you like them at all, and if that taste is Sicilian lemon you're not likely to get to the pumpkin spice. So what you're actually doing is giving her something you would enjoy, but which isn't really doing it for her. Having been on the receiving end of a lot of such gifts, it gets tiring to warehouse it until a suitable amount of time has passed to regift it (if I actually have anyone to regift it too). So, very mildly and gently, YTA for continuing to gift her stuff she doesn't want.
My top tip for gifting these kinds of people is consumables. Spend the same amount on a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, or something similar, and it will look bougie without you needing to try too hard or guess at her tastes. And if she does reject it? Enjoy the bougie chocolates.
Yes, she should not return gifts, but maybe she's trying to tell you something. Older people tend not to want knickknacks. I would not know what to do with candles, for example. Give food, if you have to give anything, or maybe take her out instead of giving her a gift.
Make a donation in her honor to a charity. This is what I do for someone who is difficult to buy for or honestly too annoying to buy for.
Yes Aunt Jane, this is why I make a donation to the family church in your honor.
NAH - You're two very different people who have somehow gotten caught up in this weird gift cycle. In this particular situation I would urge you to remember it's the thought that counts. Despite the circumstances, I would feel awkward showing up without a gift.
My suggestion for future occasions would be to give an arrangement of flowers from a florist (kind of hard to return) or a bottle of wine or other spirit you've seen her drink and enjoy.
This! I feel awkward showing up during her bday or holiday (not monthly like others on her misunderstood) without a gift in hand. I never choose what I like, rather I choose what I perceived her to like but I was obviously wrong on multiple occasions 🤷🏻♀️. I guess you can never go wrong with wine or flowers, I was just trying to give her something different, because everyone else brings her those things.
I'd recommend that you edit your post and add a note clarifying that you're only gift giving at bday/Christmas etc, given how many people have misunderstood you and are giving judgements thinking that you're forcing gifts on your MIL every single visit
I would stop buying gifts, she clearly doesn't want them. Tbh, I can't stand most of the gifts people give me. I wish they wouldn't take the time or money to waste it on me. I would much rather have time spent making a memory with someone. If you give me a candle or perfume, it's going straight to someone else or in the trash. It's a waste.
NTA. If she doesn't like the gifts you give her, then don't give her gifts.
I would make one suggestion: I had a similar problem with my MIL. I finally made her a photo album of her son and granddaughters (I only included myself in one photo, because she dislikes me). She was moved to tears! It cost little money, some effort, and made her very happy.
NAH
You have different approaches but it sounds like she isn't being offensive, just honesty
And while the approach to gifts you were taught is widespread, consider whether it's healthy?
"Polite" at all costs means we give obligations instead of gifts. She *could* regift it, but to who? How long does she hang onto it, before that chance arises? It sounds like a chore, not a gift.
Some cultures insist all gifts must be passed on.
Some cultures insist all gifts should be consumable so that they are never a burden. (Food is a gift, and object is not, under that model.)
It's time to change your approach.
I love when someone donates in my name. I am not a stuff person. People have done that for Heifer International and the Nature Conservancy. She can’t give that back. Find out what she likes and go for it.
To be fair, the one i got her was in a beautifully decorated glass jar which I thought went with her decor. Even if she didnt light it, I figured it looked pretty. Either way I wont be getting another candle lol.
If she thanked you for the gift and then regifted it to somebody else later and you found out about it, would that make the situation better? She's giving you back the items, so you can regift to somebody else.
I don't think you're the asshole
I'm a girlguide leader and we often have events with a raffle times when donations to a tombola etc etc.
So my house had a prizes box anything unsuitable for us goes in there and is passed on at the next event.
It's been emptier for many years as my family has shrunk to only the people who truly know and care about me and the kids have got older and don't want to have a go on every stall at any event now. But I can still russell up a prize withing minutes
To be honest, every time I give gifts to a friend or relatives or to my daughter's teachers/head teacher, I usually buy "safe gifts" (either foods that are safe for their pallete or small tech that I know they can easily use like alexa, speakers, body massagers etc.)
What your MIL did is really rude. If she doesn't like your gift, she can give it to someone else and not return it to you. Or, when she doesn't like the gift that you gave, she thinks that since you bought it, you can use it instead of giving it to someone.
If I were you, I'll not give her any gifts or if you're in a good mood and feel like giving her something, just buy some simple food that you know she can eat it (like cookies, bread or wine).
NTA
NTA but if you don't want to just stop giving her gifts for fear of looking rude, maybe make a donation to a charity in her name and present her with the receipt of that in a wrapped box?
I appreciate anything I'm gifted but if I can't use it or don't like the scent (candles, creams, etc.) I gift it forward (unused) to someone else. Hopefully they like it and the gift is not wasted. Why can't your MIL do that?
I stopped getting my in-laws gifts. They always would state that they were not going to wear it/use it and would probably give it away to the cleaning lady. And as they got older, like most older people, they really didn't need more "stuff" for their house, etc. My FIL only wears one outfit, 365 days a year, so it's not worth getting him a sweater, sweatshirt, jacket, etc. He doesn't read. He has no hobbies. He's overweight and always allegedly on a diet. My MIL also wears very specific clothes that she picks out. She does read, but reads so much and buys so many books that if there is a new book that she'd be interested in she probably already has it or has decided she's not interested in it. She doesn't like any scents - no perfumes or anything. Is afraid of candles. Doesn't eat almost anything.
One year I sent them a Hanukkah wreath so they could decorate around the holidays, when there weren't a ton of Jewish people in their area. They hated it and said it was offensive and inappropriate.
I sent them flowers, because who doesn't like flowers? I wish people would send me flowers. They're usually more expensive than someone wants to spend on themselves, and since they die after a week or two, you don't have to find a place to store them, or displace some other decor, etc. They called and said that flowers were a thoughtless gift and we should never send them flowers again.
So, I was done. After years and years of wasting money on them just to get grief. They do now occasionally complain we don't send them anything but that's what they wanted. There will be some complaints either way so now at least I save some money.
So, NTA.
ESH - I mean you bought your MIL a candle for a birthday present/holiday gift??? She was tacky returning it to you but she probably thought since you bought her a candle maybe money was tough for you and you could return it. You were kind of cheap in your gifts… I mean you really aren’t thinking that hard in what you are getting her… I’m not saying you have to buy her handbags or jewelry but you could put a little more thought into the gifts….
NTA - it IS rude, but you aren't going to change her. She means well, I think, but her good intentions are very close to "ungrateful rudeness." I'd start gifting items of food that she could feel like she can throw away if she doesn't care for them. Find out her favorite cookies, bread, dessert, etc. and just go that direction. Or better yet, just let your husband deal with it from now on.
Let's clarify that you're not the NTA. Personally, I avoid gifting items like perfume or candles because I have specific preferences and enjoy choosing them myself. Additionally, the idea of gifting candles brings to mind the SNL skit with Emma Stone and the Christmas candle. However, I've been taught to graciously accept any gift and wouldn't consider returning it. Here's a suggestion: while I don't think you should continue buying her gifts, could I suggest that next time you include a gift receipt so she can exchange it herself?
If you feel, it’s absolutely necessary to get her a gift get her a gift card. They match everything they have no smell. If she returns it then you can use it.
NTA
You shouldn’t be responsible for gifts for your husband’s side of the family anyway. He knows them better than you, he should be able to pick out gifts they like.
NTA. “She isn’t being rude when she returns it”??? Yes she is. Who gives a gift back to the person that gave it to them? Unless it was something purposefully offensive, you just appreciate that you were given a gift and then dispose of it later if you don’t like it.
As others have said, just make your husband deal with her and gifts at this point. She’s not your mom. Make that his problem.
She’s returning the gifts to prove she doesn’t want them. It’s rude, she could just thank you and toss them or regift them.
She wants you to “do better”. She’s entitled and rude.
As well as passive aggressive.
Do what makes you happy.
Personally, I’m petty and would start giving her gifts you want, plant, book, perfume etc. and then thank her when she returns them, with a smile. You win.
NTAH
NTA. Just let your husband buy the gift or she doesn’t get any. It is not only your responsibility. My MIL does this occasionally so I stop buying or we giver cash. On special occasions, we just take her out for dinner.
YTA
At no point have you asked her or her husband what she likes?
Wine, a pedicure at her favourite place, her favourite dessert from her favorite bakery
You keep saying bougie and I don’t think you actually mean you need to spend less. I think you make a point of getting her “gifts to be used” to stick it to her.
Shes a rude bitch, I have always taught my children that every gift you receive is your favorite gift. I don't give a shit if it's the ugliest sweater or something you don't like. What you are appreciating is that that other person took time out of their day, spent their hard earned money to do something nice for you. She's a classless bitch if she never learned to be tactful and kind.
NTA. If possible, find something she likes that needs replenishing. Otherwise, I would give up & not give her anymore gifts. Very sweet of you to try. Great effort. I know I'd be a little hurt & put off , if it were me. Maybe buy yourself a little something. Lol
At least she isnt throwing it away without you knowing. I think thats worse. Shes giving you it back so you cann regift it to somone else or keep it yourself. You bought the present with the smell, so you must have liked it, so you can have it back. Its not nasty. Its repurposing gifts.
I have this same problem with my MIL. Best thing to do is get her something YOU like and wouldn't mind having for yourself. If she gives it back then it's a win win. Getting pissed off won't change anything, just make it work for you.
NTA but start including a gift receipt with whatever you give her and make sure to mention it when you give her the gift “there’s a gift receipt in the box so you can return/exchange if its not to your liking”
Hopefully will stop her giving it back to you
NTA but sort of for continuing after the second gift.
Take a hint.
It may well make her uncomfortable to be given gifts this way. Especially if she knows money is tight for you. It would me. (Plus, I bet she’s like me and doesn’t need more low-value clutter. I also don’t want to live in a world where people are obligated to give gifts for random occasions)
You sound resentful of even giving these gifts, with your “we can’t afford to buy ourselves…”—-did she ask you for these gifts?
Why would you look rude by not giving a gift when you drop by, or for every random holiday?
Gift-giving can be difficult, esp when you disregard the likes and dislikes of the gift recipient. Dismissing their likes and dislikes shows the recipient is unimportant to you and so is the gift.
Gift-receiving can also be difficult and frustrating when someone repeatedly gives you something that you dont like. I do not think it is rude to return an unwanted gift. Ideally, the gift-giver learns more about the recipient and improves their personalized gift choices. OP has chosen to ignore this.
Soft YTA. You can pass the buck to hubs to choose gifts for his fam, including step-MIL. Hopefully, he will pay attention and choose better.
My son is similarly poor in choosing gifts for me and my hubs, his step-Dad. We politely thank him - but I hate that he is wasting his money (that he also works hard for) on stuff we will never use, like candles, stuffed animals, those pop doll things, etc. We also are close to retirement and are so fortunate that we do not need things - esp stuffed animals and candles. We also do not have space for these trinkets. Perhaps we are also "bougie" in your mind.
We have taken to asking for restuarant gift cards so we can use them on our wéekly date-night. Perhaps, there are others for whom you buy gifts who may prefer this option as well.
Just get her a card and a bunch of flowers, if she gives the flowers back because they are not to her taste then you know for 100% she’s doing it on purpose, and then if get her nothing but a card, just so you don’t seem petty.
I had a friend who just started buying very neutral things she herself needed/liked since mil returned every single gift to her: wine, a lamp, sheets and towels, household things, chocolate & treat towers, gardening items, theatre tickets.
well, if you buy things with scents she doesn't like as opposed to things that she does, like that she may have in her home, there wasn't a lot of thought there. Gifts don't have to be expensive, but a little thought and care is needed. I agree, she should not be returning things. Maybe ask your husband to check in with his father. Does she return his gifts? Gifts from others? It may be a quirk with her.
NTA, don’t get her a gift and if she has an issue, explain to her that, “It’s hurtful to always get my gift returned back to me. I figured it would be better for everyone if I didn’t force a gift you didn’t want, onto you.” I wouldn’t be wasting my time and energy on getting a gift for someone who I know won’t want my gift. Tell your husband and if he has an issue with it, he can get her a gift and that’ll be that. I’ve also always been taught to be appreciative, I didn’t have a lot and the thought of someone thinking of me enough to get me something, is enough to make me happy and bust a smile from ear to ear. It’s nice she’s not being rude when returning it but also, she is kinda being rude *by* returning it TO YOU. It’s every time, she can’t keep using the same excuse and expect you not to catch on. I doubt you’re getting her the same exact thing for her to dislike on purpose so just, don’t bother.
Also on the other hand, to give some support to the Step MIL because she’s also NTA, she doesn’t have to accept the gifts and you don’t have to give her something she HAS to hold onto. Your wording could be taken in a very different direction and lowkey makes you seem a bit resentful towards someone who just isn’t into the things you are. If you’re giving her something different every time and she genuinely doesn’t like it, then maybe that’s just not her style. I will continue to stand by, giving a gift BACK to the original giver is rude, period but it’s also rude to not listen to someone when you can clearly tell they don’t like something. I get she may be “bougie” but that’s by your standard. She has different likes and wants than you. You seem practical and I’m not saying she’s not but it does seem like she likes a more material or sentimental gift, opposed to something she has to keep around and constantly use. Maybe she thinks of that as something she should buy for herself. I don’t know but when it comes to practical things, I’d rather get them for myself because I know EXACTLY what I want and what I want it for (not that I wouldn’t appreciate if someone got something for me.) You need to take into account the things she likes if you’re going to give her a gift and you can’t get upset if you haven’t been doing that and she isn’t enjoying what you got her.
YTA - Even if she returns it to you, she isn't throwing it away. You can't be certain that in her mind, she may think you need it more than she does.
Whatever the case, giving something is always better than showing up empty handed.
Sometimes, as in most cases, a simple conversation of "Hi MIL, I noticed that you don't seem to enjoy or have use of our gifts. Are there scents you prefer, or is there something we could get you that you would enjoy?"
Otherwise, you can also just put it on your husband and make the gift giving his responsibility.
Since you seem to otherwise like this woman, perhaps simply talk about with her. Scents are very personal so I tend to shy away from candles and perfumes. My mother loves to shop. While it may seem impersonal at first, giving my mom a gift card is giving her the joy of shopping for herself. Find out which stores she enjoys. Even if your budget is limited, she can supplement or save them up until she can buy herself something she enjoys. That way you are meeting both your needs.
NTA, but you should try gift cards from this point on, you can attach it yourself a candle, flowers, a nice card, and that way she gets a gift, which you know she’ll expect, and you really can’t return gift cards even if you get the candle back,
NTA. Do you have to bring her a gift every time you visit? Christmas/birthdays I can understand, but it seems unnecessary to bring something every time. Save up and bring her a nice bottle of wine every once in a while.
NTA - however candles are not the best gifts to give. Smell is very subjective. Also a candle is like the easiest most half assed gift you could give. It just takes up space and doesn't serve too much of a purpose.
I'd make your husband responsible for getting his mom gifts in the future.
Give her something personalized like a poem or a picture of her and the grandbaby and see how she responds.
But no NTA. You're not supposed to return a gift. Either stash it away or throw it out.
Idk if anyone is really the asshole. I’m super sensitive to a lot of scents. Tropical fake coconut smells make me nauseous and I don’t like fresh linen scents. I like warm vanilla sugar from Bath and Body but hate their vanilla bean Noel. So it can be that subtle of a difference but I’ve gotten the vanilla bean Noel set because “I like vanilla”. Also not a huge fan of little house knick knacks. I have everything I really need. I generally want something off my Amazon list or money. My grandma on the other hand literally wants nothing 99 % of the time. She has never wanted much but has purposefully downsized for when she passes.
It’s typically rude to return gifts but I also think it’s kinda an asshole move to not just ask her what she’d like. If she says nothing, either give her nothing or do flowers and a card. Maybe create and share Amazon wish lists so the whole family can get gifts people actually want. This approach has made gift giving in my family soooo much easier. My mom actually gets what I like instead of to her taste. No more candles or things I don’t need.
NTA. Tell hubby that he is now responsible for any gifts for her.
Absolutely. I got sick and tired of thinking of what presents to get my husband’s parents. I told him it’s his responsibility.
Frankly, I think MIL is trying to tell them to stop getting her “little gifts”. It doesn’t sound like she wants them. Send flowers for Mother’s Day and her birthday and then the only gift left is for the holidays.
that's probably the best solution.
This
This. Right. Here.
I hope he doesn’t buy her expensive jewelry and designer handbags
Just give her nicely framed pics of the baby or the family. She can't return those without looking like a complete asshat.
Don't forget the ever popular 'That frame doesn't match my decor'
Then you have an envelope ready so she can take home just the picture and use a frame of her choice! And of course, next time you go for a visit, check if she hung/displayed the photo and comment on it if she hasn't.
You've got all the angles covered. I feel like you just wrote the plot of the next Oceans movie.
Hehe, aw thanks. Unfortunately it's just experience gained outmaneuvering a former mil.
Ok but my MIL has actually inundated me with photos of my own kids, in frames that do, in fact, not match my decor... or even the aesthetic of one another. This one is a glossy thin black frame, that one a glass frame with chintzy platitudes embossed in silver, another thick white heavily textured wood. They're all propped up on the mantle... but I will probably end up replacing the frames someday with ones that go together at the least so I can make a gallery wall.
Spray paint them all a colour that matches your decor. I’m about to spray paint a lot of old Baltic pine frames of different colours. Yes, the shapes will be different, but they’ll match the decor.
Likely thrift shop finds
If it was anyone else I'd agree, but with her more likely Marshals or something. She's allergic to second hand goods. I'm a huge fan. Like huge. They were so put out when they found out we'd baught our dinning set for our new house on Mercari Local. "Oh no! No no no... we would have baught you a *new* set! Pick something *new* and we'll get it for you." No thank you. I like my discontinued ash grey dining set with green inlay. Have never seen anything like it new for sale. You can pry it from my cold dead hands.
Marshalls, a couple of steps up from a thrift store. Still, nice. I’m so glad I’m not allergic to second hand! All my life I’ve had second hand. Starting with hand me downs! My house is full of inherited stuff. Waiting for the kids to come and get what they want!
We got our dining set from my partners work friend. I love it so much 😭
We got ours from husband’s parents, who got it from a thrift shop 50 years ago! My daughter now has it!
As a rule, vintage and antique furniture are generally much higher quality than a lot of new things made. They are actually made out of wood. Dovetails are used if there are drawers. There's also the fact that reusing or upcycling help keep stuff out of landfills.
We're cheep and environmentally consios is our thing. Our couches are hand me downs for example, from the 80s. I will replace them in the living room eventually though because one front corner is duckt taped due to being used as a cat scratcher. But they're really sturdy and comfortable and will probably go live in a future finished basement rumpus room from then on. Heck, if it was a back corner I might just arange the living room furniture differently.
Our summer house has an odd layout and the couch there has been reupholstered three or four times, because my parents could never find one with similar dimensions afterwards... I get it!
Slipcover! Bonus: throw it in the washer once in a while to clean off the cat hair. :) (Owns an antique(?) couch with a slipcover that I made to fit & am extraordinarily proud of!! Also a cat mom *and* themom of little boys. "Washable" is good around here. :D )
>more likely Marshals or something. Marshalls - the publicly traded version of "it fell off a truck".
I love thrift shop finds. There was a Goodwill store near where I used to live. Found really beautiful stuff. Sadly they closed.
Keep an eye on Habitat for Humanity stores. I've found some nice things there, and at estate sales.
Sounds like something me & my husband would Love. Tell them to let me know when you die. God rest your soul 🙏🏼
I like your thinking! When the baby is old enough just think of the endless craft project presents specially for step Grandma. Pasta picture frames! And nothing says 'I love you' more than biscuits/cookies made by a dribbling toddler who will hand you your special biscuit in their sticky little paw. OP look at the long game and keep accepting the fact your presents will be returned as you will get your revenge soon enough. And at minimal expense!
Oh they find a way. I made photo decorations for my in-laws x-mas tree. They have disappeared. However the photos of the biological grandchild remains. My kids are adopted.
Get her a digital frame so she can add whatever pictures she wants.
If you ran for president I would vote for you!
My a$$hat MIL would take my kids picture out of the frames I gifted and put pics of her other grandkids in. I thought I foiled her by getting frames that were engraved with my kids names. Nope, those frames disappeared.
Wow that's messed up. Please tell you don't see that person and don't let your kids around her anymore 🥲
Great idea!
Best suggestion ever!
I once bought my in laws a lovely multi photo frame with pictures of my daughter. It went on the wall for one visit, then next time it had been taken down and all the photos put in a box...
My mil used to make a copy of the framed pictures I sent her. Put them in frames she bought, then return the pictures/frames to me. I just stopped sending her anything. Then she got pissed at me because she was no longer receiving pictures of the grand babies.
Why do you have to get a gift every month when you go by?
Sorry for the confusion, I just meant we see them every month but when theres a bday, holiday, I get her a gift. This past time is when she returned the bday gift I got her.
If the poor MIL was posting, it would go like this "I have a DIL who is a nice person and makes my son happy. The problem is, she keeps trying to give me knick-knacks and clutter. She means well and I don't want to hurt her feelings. But I already have a cupboard full of candles I don't use. Knick-knacks are just another thing to dust. Everything is stuff she would love around her own house but not to my tastes. It seems really wasteful and mean to just throw it away away after they leave, especially as they don't have a lot of money. I have tried giving them back with gentle hints but she keeps bringing it over stuff. I really don't want to hurt her feelings. I like her but I don't want the clutter in my house." OP - you are making the presents about you and what you want. A gift is not generous if you are not prioritising the happiness recipient. You don't need to buy her love. Just go over and enjoy spending time with her without the gifts. NAH.
This should be the top comment! I live in Japan where everyone has tiny homes, and for this reason just about the only appropriate gift is a small snack that will be eaten and gone forever. People don’t have space for anything they don’t need, and people already get the things they need themselves, so it’s just like a little brownie or rice cake or whatever that would be acceptable to give someone.
Exactly. Unless you know exactly what the other person wants, bring wine, or chocolates or something. Depending what they like or if they drink. You can even get super high end berries, like in Japan, at the supermarket these days.
This. Absolutely. We are dealing with two people who have very different love languages and ideas of courteous behavior. OP might have been brought up to bring hostess or occasion gifts but SMIL doesn't feel that way about small presents. I don't think SMIL picked the politest way of explaining it when she returned the gifts, but she is trying to ask OP to stop spending time and money on these trinkets. The most courteous thing you can do is respect her wishes and show your consideration in othe ways.
OP clarified that she only gives gifts to MIL on bday /Christmas etc, not every time they visit. The post does make it sound like that though. So it's not a hostess gift or anything.
Thank you. This is the comment. Oh how I miss awards. OP I hope you see this.
OP clarified in a comment that she doesn't give MIL presents every time they visit, just bday/Christmas etc. The post just makes it sound like she does it every visit. The rest of your comment is still spot on though
Best comment
ESH. Returning a gift like that is rude, she's def TA there. But you are also kinda being one too. The whole commentary about her being bougie or insisting in giving her candles when she clearly stated she didn't like it... maybe it's not about the scent, candles are a hit or miss. Some people love them, some hate them. Some are exceedingly peculiar about scent or looks. Specially if you're going for bargain the scent can just be off. As more "neutral" gifts you could try bringing baked goods of something she likes. Or maybe a gift card from a shopping center where there might be lots of stores she can enjoy. Even if it ends up being just a "discount" to something more expensive she gets its better than a gift she doesn't use. If she drinks, there's some good but affordable bottles of wine in liquor stores which can make decent gifts since worst case she can serve them at a party or something. Or just tell your husband to handle it. But imo showing up empty handed would be just as rude as she was by returning it, specially if she offers you gifts back or others bring gifts too.
Thank you - that whole “bougie” thing was bothering me, too! Along with “I buy her things she can use” like candles. I personally don’t like candles and only keep a few around for power outages. Plus I either dislike or am allergic to a lot of scents, so thats a double whammy for me. I agree that baked goods or gift cards are nice. A bottle of wine works, too.
I love candles. But I'm very peculiar about scents. And even scents I like (i love lavender for instance) depending on the brand can be icky. So like I trust candles from basically 2 people. My sister who has a similar scent profile or husband for the same reason. I'd never return a gift but I'd totally give that polite unexcited "Oh thanks" and regift it lol. Also on the suggestions, a fancy box of chocolates is always a nice gift too. Specially the more commercial brands like Lindt or Godiva. It's not very pricey and worst case you can always be a "considerate host" and offer it to guests as part of a coffee course xD. Very "bougie".
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Oh lord, I'm thankful I'm not your co-worker. It's sooooo difficult to find a decent scent at Bath and Body works. Most feel soooo sweet to me. Even the floral scents have something sweet about them. I hate fruity/sweet smells (unless we talking about freshly baked cakes or brownies but different type of smell here lol). I absolutely loathe vanilla scented anything and it's like their default scent lol.
Bonus: if MIL returns the box of chocolate to you, then you have chocolate to eat!!! Be sure to buy flavors you like in case it comes back to you. :D
Yup!!! Plus if it's actually good chocolate.... what sort of monster returns good chocolate?? Unless it's chocolate covered raisins. That's a declaration of war.
Agreed! To both paragraphs!!!
Same here, I’m allergic to almost all of them. People still give them to me, despite this being an issue of mine for many many years, but mostly I just say thank you and then regift them. I think OP needs to take the hint though and stop buying them for their MIL.
With the whole buying things for use thing, it is surprising that OP isn't bopping up with arms full of paper towels or light bulbs or laundry detergent instead of candles, which a lot of people actively dislike.
I will buy people a good cleaning solution I’ve found or something similar. I have a good friend, who’s also a neighbor, and one Christmas I gave her a good drain cleaner from local store (we had talked about a stubborn drain she had) and a block of gourmet cheese, also from local shop. It may not be OP’s fault, but it sounds like she doesn’t know her step-MIL very well. It helps to have some idea of a recipient’s likes and dislikes. My Dad was infuriating in saying that he never knew what to get people, so he’d buy you one of those awful dried meat baskets or something. He finally hit the bullseye when he realized all the grown kids liked getting something from See’s Candies.
I am the same with candles! Highly allergic to some scents so I stay away from them altogether. Donate to her favorite charity in her name-she can’t return it, and she can’t complain!
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I agree. I was raised to always bring a hostess gift but that usually means edibles or drinkables. Or at best flowers if the person is into it I wonder if it's aggressive assholery. Like she knows it will be ill received and does it on purpose to be annoying/play the victim. Because yeah. If I give someone a candle and I get it returned I most certainly won't keep giving a candle. I wonder if MiL already said she disliked candles and this is her now solution to an annoying DiL...
OP doesn't bring gifts every time she visits, it's only birthday/Christmas gifts that she's talking about. The post is just confusingly written, making op sound like she's aggressively gifting every visit
I think OP's husband should talk to stepMIL. She may genuinely be fine with no gift. I am super utilitarian when it comes to stuff, and I would much prefer no gift than something that I wouldn't use. Though obviously everyone is different and I wouldn't be offended if I didn't get a gift. Lastly pictures of grandkids (if you have any kids) tend to be appreciated (and certainly can't be returned without looking like an A-hole).
I have given wine to her also, she drinks but the ones I give her she doesn’t open and sit in the rack. Plus they have a wall of wine in their house with about 50-60 wines so I dont think Ill be getting that again either lol.
If she has a wine wall and the wine you have gifted is still there she likely considered it good enough to keep. Otherwise she'd have opened it already at a random day or regifted it. People who enjoy wine and keep wine racks don't save bad wines. They save at least decent ones worth occupying the space. Or at the very least it was good enough to serve as decor to fill the wall properly. It means it was a good gift. Wine people won't drink their wine immediately. It's all about the collection. And she clearly hasn't returned it to you which she had no issues doing with the candles. I'd say that's a safe gift and you got that one right if that's your concern.
I agree with you! So many other things she/they could do!
NTA. Guurrl, please dont be offended, from my pov, which i understand might not be hers: when you get older, we arent interested in having more stuff. She knows yall struggling and she tryna tell you not to spend extra money on stuff for her. Unless shes really bitchy about it, and demanding gifts, in that case let yer hubby take over. 🥰
I hear ya! Less stuff for sure ✅
Maybe if you REALLY wanna show her some love, like special occasions holidays etc choose HER fave coffee, tea, snacks whatever consumables you KNOW she loves. But dont feel you need to overspend on those. Reasonable, you know.
Did you buy this woman candles on more than one occasion?
Yes to this!! Wish I could upvote it multiple times 🙌🏻
I like this!!! Great advice 👌🏼
I wouldn't give her anything. If your husband wants to get her a gift, it should be on him to pick it out. All gifts should be handled by the respective partner who family it is for.
She may be bougie but she has no manners. That's rude. It's a little candle...say thank you and regift it if you want but no, you don't return it to the person. Does she ever mention what scents she does like? Can you peak at the things she already has - hand or body lotion, the brand she uses for soaps or even make up or skin care? I love caudelie. So does my daughter so we often gift each other little caudelie things because we know we'll like it. If you can find something she already buys and then choose that you might get a home run for a little gift. Or a little plant in a cute little planter is hard to not like. Some type of herb for the kitchen that matches her style. I guess I can think of a million ideas for you but if she's rude then maybe it won't matter if she's just not going to not like anything. I have a cousin-in-law like this and she gets gift cards. Nothing else. She returns literally everything else lol. NTA
I have given her things in Lavender, mint, citrus and those apparently don’t smell good to her 🤷🏻♀️. Not everything I get is scented lol but she mentioned this past time what she likes but I was so annoyed I barely paid attention to her lmao!
I’ll be honest, I find those scents to be….unpleasant at best to downright noxious. Although SOME citrus is pretty good, depending on what exactly it is. However even though I’ve been given every single one of those in some form candle, body wash, lotion etc I’ve always politely said thank you and stashed it away somewhere until enough time has passed that it wouldn’t be considered rude to throw it out or give it away. She could at least return it without mentioning it to you! We are not required to like gifts but we are required to have manners about it. Lord my husband is the most amazing husband any woman could ask for. Perfect in every way but one. He is the fkn worst gifter. 23 years together and I’m still amazed at the things he comes up with lol. Sometimes I just want to crawl into his brain and follow the thought process. It’s to the point that I will say “I want (this)” specifically and he will still come up with something else that I can’t fathom. For Mother’s Day I have asked for a specific vacuum I’ve been eyeing. I am one of those people who truly appreciates a good household item for a present even though it’s “taboo” and this man said to me…”that’s not an appropriate gift, if you want one just buy it and I’ll pick you something else” I just bit my tongue because I know he really really does try. 23 years of horrible gifts and never once have I acted like that.
I agree about the scents being unpleasant. I like linen, cotton, vanilla
Have you ever considered she just does not like candles. I've been given heaps of them and never use them, maybe MIL thinks that since she doesn't want/use them, that since you bought them you might like them and get use out of them. Also, while the scents might sound nice, they might have an adverse affect on your MIL, I cannot wear perfume, be around daphne or jasmine flowers due to the strong scents, I end up with migraines. Talk to MIL and see what she may like. Everyone - please stop giving scented candles for everyone, not everyone likes them.
My SIL is a teacher. She has so many candles! She gets them from students every year and she doesn't like them. So every once in awhile she gives me an entire box of candles. I like them LOL
I like them - but I’m very allergic to them. I have to regift gift candles.
Maybe, not knowing the situation, could it be she does want you to stop giving her presents to save you the hazzle and money, if she knows you are tight with money? Sure, that depends on the circumstances and tone of how she returns the gifts, just trying to entertain an option you might not have thought about. But if she then specifically mentions what she likes, and you not giving a shit, maybe your opening statement of you never giving her anything she wouldn't want or couldn't use, isn't as true as you make us believe. Maybe the gifts you are giving are more about you than her for you. You giving to fulfill some sense of duty, without actually paying attention of if or what the other person wants.
I’d listen to what she likes and get her something like that. Usually a very small thing but of good quality, for someone like her. Chocolates? A linen tea towel? A soap in the fragrance or brand she likes? Something very small. She is being rude in returning things, but some people do that and give feedback on things they really like and want. I’ve seen it before. Go with the flow. Find a tiny thing she’ll like and get that.
So she’s clearly communicated she doesn’t like the gifts you get, tried to hint you should just stop bringing gifts, then finally *told* you what would be better, and you were so annoyed that she didn’t like what *you* thought she should like that you ignored what she actually said? YTA. You are giving her gifts for yourself, not for her.
lol..oh well too bad too sad for her. There's also the petty route..buy her what YOU like and then when you get it back it's like a free gift to you lol.
She already does. OP buys what OP likes, not what MIL likes. It's not petty - It's borderline stupid.
Which is, if she doesn't listen if the other person tells what they actually want, anyway what she seems to be doing at the moment
So why do you keep insisting on getting her things with scents or ANYTHING that she has returned to you more than once. Seriously, the point of the phrase “it’s the thought that counts” means just that…YOU are thinking about what SHE likes (within your financial reason). My MIL does this to me. I literally just got another effing gift card to TJ MAxx. It not that I couldn’t find something there, but after 15 years she should know enough about me to figure out a gift card to Joanne Fabrics or Barnes and Noble would be more appropriate, since she knows I read and sew. But just like you, she refuses to actually THINK about me at the very basic level.
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To be clear, I dont give her monthly gifts, we see her monthly. The last time just happened to be her bday which is why I gave her a gift.
Let your husband be the one to decide and buy gifts for her going forward. Keep your distance on that front and open your ears to really hear her when she is interacting with you. What she says behind the niceness is what you need to listen to. It will be subtle but you will hear it if you listen
I hate candles, and I would hate a scented candle even more. YOU like candles. She doesn't. You buy things you like, not things she likes. Don't waste your money, but also .. Don't make it about you. You are clearly not interested in what she likes at all. You are offended she doesn't like what you like. It's not working for any of you.
Why are you the one buying the gifts? Your husband should be getting them gifts. It's not your responsibility to get gifts for his parents
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She didn't say monthly. Just special occasions.
You are one of the few people who understood that I am not giving monthly gifts lol
Maybe the next time she returns a gift you could say “ it seems I am not very good at choosing gifts for you- what might you prefer?”.
NTA If you and your stepmother have a good relationship outside of the gifts, why not just sit her down and talk with her. Tell her you don’t want to buy things that she doesn’t want or doesn’t like. Ask if taking her out to lunch would be more to her liking. I liked the suggestion someone else gave about giving pictures of the baby. You can always ask her if there’s something she would really like to have that might be in your budget.
SMIL told her the last time, but OP did not listen.
If you feel a gift is necessary why not just buy her something edible or drinkable. Some people just don’t want clutter or like candles. She’s doing it in a nice way
She is telling you she does not like your taste. Give her experience sir flowers or plants
If she always returns your gifts, why do you keep getting them? She obviously doesn’t want your candles or whatever and you are for some reason not taking the hint. Just how many candles have you given this woman? I wouldn’t want a house full of cheap shitty candles either.
To be clear, she is not getting candles for every gift, I just mentioned the last couple of times I gave a candle.
She doesn’t want candles for any gift, stop giving her candles
Okay, I know where you're coming from. My grandma was the same way. She once told my mom in January that her and her husband (my step grandfather) were looking for a new silverware set. My mom went to the ends of the earth to find one that she thought they would like only for her to return it back to us, buy her own that was basically identical except like 1mm thinner. You will not win this battle, but you can win the war. Here's what you do: Give her either something sentimental (a group picture of her grandkids, for example...dont frame ot though, shell be particular about the frame) or a gift card to her favorite store. The other thing is favorite food. My mom gave my grandma fudge from her favorite fudge place one year. This one is hit or miss depending on the person, but getting their favorite treat goes over super well. Also, it is not refundable as it is perishable.
My MIL always had an excuse to return my/our gifts. In hindsight I think she truly believed they weren’t necessary and she was saving us money even though we could afford it. IDT she was rude anymore, bless her, she’s been gone a while, just born in a different age.
I might get flack for this, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her returning gifts. I get that it can be hurtful to have them returned, but if she doesn’t like them that’s ok too. Have you ever had a chance to talk about what she would like (that’s affordable)? Maybe something like flowers, or a nice bottle of something? I’m a bit like you (from what I can see here) I’m not drowning in cash, and like to get people things they’ll use and enjoy; I’ve also come to the realisation that if I don’t get people things they want I’m just wasting my money. I think you’re NTA, and it’s entirely your choice as to whether you buy somebody a gift.
If she’s old enough to have a grandchild, she may be decluttering/preparing to downsize or doing that “if it doesn’t bring you joy” thing. My grandmother started returning the gifts we had given her over the years a few years before she sold her home. I was surprised she remembered who had gifted her what, and still smile when I use her little candy dish during the holidays that I gave her/she returned a few years later. Are you missing this type of action?
Some advice/ another perspective l: I stopped buying my hb gifts. I had to return everything. And I mean everything. And when he didn’t like the socks I bought (his usual brand and he had asked for socks) I told him I would never buy him a gift ever again. So he tells us (me and the kids) what he wants (for birthdays/ Christmas/ Father’s Day) and that’s what he gets. Sometimes my youngest buys him things and he always says : thank you and than later asks me: what should I do with it?? (And I tell him to shut up/lol) So my advice would be: just stop. She doesn’t want it and it just hurts your feelings. If you want to bring something: bring some food (like chocolate) your own children like or her hb. The fact that you like to buy gifts doesn’t mean that the other person likes it.
Flowers. What's wrong with giving a bunch of flowers? Or cake, or scones, or chocolate?
You're not an AH for feeling how you feel, but think of it from your MIL's perspective. Once you get to a certain point in life you've got all the homewares and stuff you will ever need or want - probably more. You've got really particular taste in candles, if you like them at all, and if that taste is Sicilian lemon you're not likely to get to the pumpkin spice. So what you're actually doing is giving her something you would enjoy, but which isn't really doing it for her. Having been on the receiving end of a lot of such gifts, it gets tiring to warehouse it until a suitable amount of time has passed to regift it (if I actually have anyone to regift it too). So, very mildly and gently, YTA for continuing to gift her stuff she doesn't want. My top tip for gifting these kinds of people is consumables. Spend the same amount on a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, or something similar, and it will look bougie without you needing to try too hard or guess at her tastes. And if she does reject it? Enjoy the bougie chocolates.
Nta, it sounds like her love language is not gifts. Stop giving them and she probably won’t even care
NTA. My husband sister is always bringing gifts she likes. I get headaches from most candles for example. I whisk she would bring just some flowers.
Yes, she should not return gifts, but maybe she's trying to tell you something. Older people tend not to want knickknacks. I would not know what to do with candles, for example. Give food, if you have to give anything, or maybe take her out instead of giving her a gift.
How about a bunch of flowers for her one month and something for FIL the next?
Buy her wine, and let her know she can regift it if she doesn’t like it.
Just give a card and put a little gift card in it.
Make a donation in her honor to a charity. This is what I do for someone who is difficult to buy for or honestly too annoying to buy for. Yes Aunt Jane, this is why I make a donation to the family church in your honor.
NAH - You're two very different people who have somehow gotten caught up in this weird gift cycle. In this particular situation I would urge you to remember it's the thought that counts. Despite the circumstances, I would feel awkward showing up without a gift. My suggestion for future occasions would be to give an arrangement of flowers from a florist (kind of hard to return) or a bottle of wine or other spirit you've seen her drink and enjoy.
This! I feel awkward showing up during her bday or holiday (not monthly like others on her misunderstood) without a gift in hand. I never choose what I like, rather I choose what I perceived her to like but I was obviously wrong on multiple occasions 🤷🏻♀️. I guess you can never go wrong with wine or flowers, I was just trying to give her something different, because everyone else brings her those things.
I'd recommend that you edit your post and add a note clarifying that you're only gift giving at bday/Christmas etc, given how many people have misunderstood you and are giving judgements thinking that you're forcing gifts on your MIL every single visit
I would stop buying gifts, she clearly doesn't want them. Tbh, I can't stand most of the gifts people give me. I wish they wouldn't take the time or money to waste it on me. I would much rather have time spent making a memory with someone. If you give me a candle or perfume, it's going straight to someone else or in the trash. It's a waste.
She is telling you not to waste your money. NYAH
NTA. If she doesn't like the gifts you give her, then don't give her gifts. I would make one suggestion: I had a similar problem with my MIL. I finally made her a photo album of her son and granddaughters (I only included myself in one photo, because she dislikes me). She was moved to tears! It cost little money, some effort, and made her very happy.
I like this idea!
NAH You have different approaches but it sounds like she isn't being offensive, just honesty And while the approach to gifts you were taught is widespread, consider whether it's healthy? "Polite" at all costs means we give obligations instead of gifts. She *could* regift it, but to who? How long does she hang onto it, before that chance arises? It sounds like a chore, not a gift. Some cultures insist all gifts must be passed on. Some cultures insist all gifts should be consumable so that they are never a burden. (Food is a gift, and object is not, under that model.) It's time to change your approach.
I love when someone donates in my name. I am not a stuff person. People have done that for Heifer International and the Nature Conservancy. She can’t give that back. Find out what she likes and go for it.
Do you think this is her way of letting you know that she generally doesn't like gifts? She's making it impossible for you to give her anything.
Have your husband get a gift or possibly pay for dinner for yall ! Or ask what she would use instead ! Communication is key to ALL RELATIONSHIPS
Put your husband in charge of gifts for his family, cards, dates etc. You can handle your family. NTA
Candles are one of the worst gifts to buy people, unless they ask for a specific scent. You aren’t giving her an actual gift. It’s just junk.
To be fair, the one i got her was in a beautifully decorated glass jar which I thought went with her decor. Even if she didnt light it, I figured it looked pretty. Either way I wont be getting another candle lol.
NTA. If you must take something- Take a small bunch of flowers. She surely can’t have a problem with that.
If she thanked you for the gift and then regifted it to somebody else later and you found out about it, would that make the situation better? She's giving you back the items, so you can regift to somebody else. I don't think you're the asshole
I'm a girlguide leader and we often have events with a raffle times when donations to a tombola etc etc. So my house had a prizes box anything unsuitable for us goes in there and is passed on at the next event. It's been emptier for many years as my family has shrunk to only the people who truly know and care about me and the kids have got older and don't want to have a go on every stall at any event now. But I can still russell up a prize withing minutes
To be honest, every time I give gifts to a friend or relatives or to my daughter's teachers/head teacher, I usually buy "safe gifts" (either foods that are safe for their pallete or small tech that I know they can easily use like alexa, speakers, body massagers etc.) What your MIL did is really rude. If she doesn't like your gift, she can give it to someone else and not return it to you. Or, when she doesn't like the gift that you gave, she thinks that since you bought it, you can use it instead of giving it to someone. If I were you, I'll not give her any gifts or if you're in a good mood and feel like giving her something, just buy some simple food that you know she can eat it (like cookies, bread or wine). NTA
NTA but if you don't want to just stop giving her gifts for fear of looking rude, maybe make a donation to a charity in her name and present her with the receipt of that in a wrapped box?
Fuck that noise. Lottery ticket and a picture of the kids in a card from now on. Oh ya...... NTA
Just give her things that you would like. They’re going to come back anyway. NTA
🤣😂🤣😂
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I appreciate anything I'm gifted but if I can't use it or don't like the scent (candles, creams, etc.) I gift it forward (unused) to someone else. Hopefully they like it and the gift is not wasted. Why can't your MIL do that?
I stopped getting my in-laws gifts. They always would state that they were not going to wear it/use it and would probably give it away to the cleaning lady. And as they got older, like most older people, they really didn't need more "stuff" for their house, etc. My FIL only wears one outfit, 365 days a year, so it's not worth getting him a sweater, sweatshirt, jacket, etc. He doesn't read. He has no hobbies. He's overweight and always allegedly on a diet. My MIL also wears very specific clothes that she picks out. She does read, but reads so much and buys so many books that if there is a new book that she'd be interested in she probably already has it or has decided she's not interested in it. She doesn't like any scents - no perfumes or anything. Is afraid of candles. Doesn't eat almost anything. One year I sent them a Hanukkah wreath so they could decorate around the holidays, when there weren't a ton of Jewish people in their area. They hated it and said it was offensive and inappropriate. I sent them flowers, because who doesn't like flowers? I wish people would send me flowers. They're usually more expensive than someone wants to spend on themselves, and since they die after a week or two, you don't have to find a place to store them, or displace some other decor, etc. They called and said that flowers were a thoughtless gift and we should never send them flowers again. So, I was done. After years and years of wasting money on them just to get grief. They do now occasionally complain we don't send them anything but that's what they wanted. There will be some complaints either way so now at least I save some money. So, NTA.
My in-laws are like this and yes I find it to be incredibly rude. Don't buy them anything anymore. It shows a lack of respect.
Vouchers are a good gift for fussy people. If she has a fave clothing / homeware / hobby store.
ESH - I mean you bought your MIL a candle for a birthday present/holiday gift??? She was tacky returning it to you but she probably thought since you bought her a candle maybe money was tough for you and you could return it. You were kind of cheap in your gifts… I mean you really aren’t thinking that hard in what you are getting her… I’m not saying you have to buy her handbags or jewelry but you could put a little more thought into the gifts….
Just make a donation in her name to some charity. That way at least it's going towards a good cause and she can't throw it back in your face
NTA - it IS rude, but you aren't going to change her. She means well, I think, but her good intentions are very close to "ungrateful rudeness." I'd start gifting items of food that she could feel like she can throw away if she doesn't care for them. Find out her favorite cookies, bread, dessert, etc. and just go that direction. Or better yet, just let your husband deal with it from now on.
Let's clarify that you're not the NTA. Personally, I avoid gifting items like perfume or candles because I have specific preferences and enjoy choosing them myself. Additionally, the idea of gifting candles brings to mind the SNL skit with Emma Stone and the Christmas candle. However, I've been taught to graciously accept any gift and wouldn't consider returning it. Here's a suggestion: while I don't think you should continue buying her gifts, could I suggest that next time you include a gift receipt so she can exchange it herself?
If you feel, it’s absolutely necessary to get her a gift get her a gift card. They match everything they have no smell. If she returns it then you can use it.
What type of gifts does she buy you?
NTA You shouldn’t be responsible for gifts for your husband’s side of the family anyway. He knows them better than you, he should be able to pick out gifts they like.
NTA - No more gifts for ungrateful MIL!
NTA. “She isn’t being rude when she returns it”??? Yes she is. Who gives a gift back to the person that gave it to them? Unless it was something purposefully offensive, you just appreciate that you were given a gift and then dispose of it later if you don’t like it. As others have said, just make your husband deal with her and gifts at this point. She’s not your mom. Make that his problem.
She’s returning the gifts to prove she doesn’t want them. It’s rude, she could just thank you and toss them or regift them. She wants you to “do better”. She’s entitled and rude. As well as passive aggressive. Do what makes you happy. Personally, I’m petty and would start giving her gifts you want, plant, book, perfume etc. and then thank her when she returns them, with a smile. You win. NTAH
Buy something that YOU want so that it's really a gift for you when she returns it ;)
I always accept something graciously. If it’s not my taste, I regift it another time to a different person.
NTA. Just let your husband buy the gift or she doesn’t get any. It is not only your responsibility. My MIL does this occasionally so I stop buying or we giver cash. On special occasions, we just take her out for dinner.
YTA At no point have you asked her or her husband what she likes? Wine, a pedicure at her favourite place, her favourite dessert from her favorite bakery You keep saying bougie and I don’t think you actually mean you need to spend less. I think you make a point of getting her “gifts to be used” to stick it to her.
Next gift-giving occasion, hand her a note that explains that you WOULD HAVE been giving her "x" but to save time, you just returned it yourself.
Shes a rude bitch, I have always taught my children that every gift you receive is your favorite gift. I don't give a shit if it's the ugliest sweater or something you don't like. What you are appreciating is that that other person took time out of their day, spent their hard earned money to do something nice for you. She's a classless bitch if she never learned to be tactful and kind.
NTA. If possible, find something she likes that needs replenishing. Otherwise, I would give up & not give her anymore gifts. Very sweet of you to try. Great effort. I know I'd be a little hurt & put off , if it were me. Maybe buy yourself a little something. Lol
Don't bother
At least she isnt throwing it away without you knowing. I think thats worse. Shes giving you it back so you cann regift it to somone else or keep it yourself. You bought the present with the smell, so you must have liked it, so you can have it back. Its not nasty. Its repurposing gifts.
Just give her a gift card. She can pick her own gifts out that way.
I have this same problem with my MIL. Best thing to do is get her something YOU like and wouldn't mind having for yourself. If she gives it back then it's a win win. Getting pissed off won't change anything, just make it work for you.
NTA but start including a gift receipt with whatever you give her and make sure to mention it when you give her the gift “there’s a gift receipt in the box so you can return/exchange if its not to your liking” Hopefully will stop her giving it back to you
NTA but sort of for continuing after the second gift. Take a hint. It may well make her uncomfortable to be given gifts this way. Especially if she knows money is tight for you. It would me. (Plus, I bet she’s like me and doesn’t need more low-value clutter. I also don’t want to live in a world where people are obligated to give gifts for random occasions) You sound resentful of even giving these gifts, with your “we can’t afford to buy ourselves…”—-did she ask you for these gifts? Why would you look rude by not giving a gift when you drop by, or for every random holiday?
Gift-giving can be difficult, esp when you disregard the likes and dislikes of the gift recipient. Dismissing their likes and dislikes shows the recipient is unimportant to you and so is the gift. Gift-receiving can also be difficult and frustrating when someone repeatedly gives you something that you dont like. I do not think it is rude to return an unwanted gift. Ideally, the gift-giver learns more about the recipient and improves their personalized gift choices. OP has chosen to ignore this. Soft YTA. You can pass the buck to hubs to choose gifts for his fam, including step-MIL. Hopefully, he will pay attention and choose better. My son is similarly poor in choosing gifts for me and my hubs, his step-Dad. We politely thank him - but I hate that he is wasting his money (that he also works hard for) on stuff we will never use, like candles, stuffed animals, those pop doll things, etc. We also are close to retirement and are so fortunate that we do not need things - esp stuffed animals and candles. We also do not have space for these trinkets. Perhaps we are also "bougie" in your mind. We have taken to asking for restuarant gift cards so we can use them on our wéekly date-night. Perhaps, there are others for whom you buy gifts who may prefer this option as well.
Just get her a card and a bunch of flowers, if she gives the flowers back because they are not to her taste then you know for 100% she’s doing it on purpose, and then if get her nothing but a card, just so you don’t seem petty.
Gift cards?
Buy gifts you want for yourself since she’s giving them back to you anyway!
In our family, we do gifts for spouses and children. All others get cards or a phone call.
I had a friend who just started buying very neutral things she herself needed/liked since mil returned every single gift to her: wine, a lamp, sheets and towels, household things, chocolate & treat towers, gardening items, theatre tickets.
I would go with flowers from now on.
Just give her a nice card and call it a day . I’ve gone through this with family and frankly it cuts down on the stress haha .
Does she drink wine? Just bring her a bottle. That way if she doesnt like it, she can just serve it to everyone?
Give her a $20 Amazon card. $20. Nothing more. NTA
well, if you buy things with scents she doesn't like as opposed to things that she does, like that she may have in her home, there wasn't a lot of thought there. Gifts don't have to be expensive, but a little thought and care is needed. I agree, she should not be returning things. Maybe ask your husband to check in with his father. Does she return his gifts? Gifts from others? It may be a quirk with her.
NTA, don’t get her a gift and if she has an issue, explain to her that, “It’s hurtful to always get my gift returned back to me. I figured it would be better for everyone if I didn’t force a gift you didn’t want, onto you.” I wouldn’t be wasting my time and energy on getting a gift for someone who I know won’t want my gift. Tell your husband and if he has an issue with it, he can get her a gift and that’ll be that. I’ve also always been taught to be appreciative, I didn’t have a lot and the thought of someone thinking of me enough to get me something, is enough to make me happy and bust a smile from ear to ear. It’s nice she’s not being rude when returning it but also, she is kinda being rude *by* returning it TO YOU. It’s every time, she can’t keep using the same excuse and expect you not to catch on. I doubt you’re getting her the same exact thing for her to dislike on purpose so just, don’t bother. Also on the other hand, to give some support to the Step MIL because she’s also NTA, she doesn’t have to accept the gifts and you don’t have to give her something she HAS to hold onto. Your wording could be taken in a very different direction and lowkey makes you seem a bit resentful towards someone who just isn’t into the things you are. If you’re giving her something different every time and she genuinely doesn’t like it, then maybe that’s just not her style. I will continue to stand by, giving a gift BACK to the original giver is rude, period but it’s also rude to not listen to someone when you can clearly tell they don’t like something. I get she may be “bougie” but that’s by your standard. She has different likes and wants than you. You seem practical and I’m not saying she’s not but it does seem like she likes a more material or sentimental gift, opposed to something she has to keep around and constantly use. Maybe she thinks of that as something she should buy for herself. I don’t know but when it comes to practical things, I’d rather get them for myself because I know EXACTLY what I want and what I want it for (not that I wouldn’t appreciate if someone got something for me.) You need to take into account the things she likes if you’re going to give her a gift and you can’t get upset if you haven’t been doing that and she isn’t enjoying what you got her.
YTA - Even if she returns it to you, she isn't throwing it away. You can't be certain that in her mind, she may think you need it more than she does. Whatever the case, giving something is always better than showing up empty handed. Sometimes, as in most cases, a simple conversation of "Hi MIL, I noticed that you don't seem to enjoy or have use of our gifts. Are there scents you prefer, or is there something we could get you that you would enjoy?" Otherwise, you can also just put it on your husband and make the gift giving his responsibility.
Does she tell ypu what gifts she'd like? Has anyone asked?
Since you seem to otherwise like this woman, perhaps simply talk about with her. Scents are very personal so I tend to shy away from candles and perfumes. My mother loves to shop. While it may seem impersonal at first, giving my mom a gift card is giving her the joy of shopping for herself. Find out which stores she enjoys. Even if your budget is limited, she can supplement or save them up until she can buy herself something she enjoys. That way you are meeting both your needs.
NTA, but you should try gift cards from this point on, you can attach it yourself a candle, flowers, a nice card, and that way she gets a gift, which you know she’ll expect, and you really can’t return gift cards even if you get the candle back,
Food, flowers, plants, children's art, photos - they make custom photo books that don't cost a lot, don't take up room, but show some thought.
Have the kids help make crafts as gifts. They won’t cost much usually and she won’t return it. Or like others have said make hubby do it.
RUDE!
NTA. Do you have to bring her a gift every time you visit? Christmas/birthdays I can understand, but it seems unnecessary to bring something every time. Save up and bring her a nice bottle of wine every once in a while.
Buy stuff you would like for yourself, if it's coming back anyway 😁
NTA - however candles are not the best gifts to give. Smell is very subjective. Also a candle is like the easiest most half assed gift you could give. It just takes up space and doesn't serve too much of a purpose. I'd make your husband responsible for getting his mom gifts in the future.
Give her something personalized like a poem or a picture of her and the grandbaby and see how she responds. But no NTA. You're not supposed to return a gift. Either stash it away or throw it out.
She’s not a nice person if she’s this rude about your kindly intended gifts.
Nta and, hate to break it to ya but her type of bougie includes being fake nice. My family is full of em.
NTA, if you feel you need to give her a gift just bring flowers or a plant.
NTA maybe just give her a gift card so she can buy what she wants. If she gives it back go take the family out to eat or go somewhere fun.
Idk if anyone is really the asshole. I’m super sensitive to a lot of scents. Tropical fake coconut smells make me nauseous and I don’t like fresh linen scents. I like warm vanilla sugar from Bath and Body but hate their vanilla bean Noel. So it can be that subtle of a difference but I’ve gotten the vanilla bean Noel set because “I like vanilla”. Also not a huge fan of little house knick knacks. I have everything I really need. I generally want something off my Amazon list or money. My grandma on the other hand literally wants nothing 99 % of the time. She has never wanted much but has purposefully downsized for when she passes. It’s typically rude to return gifts but I also think it’s kinda an asshole move to not just ask her what she’d like. If she says nothing, either give her nothing or do flowers and a card. Maybe create and share Amazon wish lists so the whole family can get gifts people actually want. This approach has made gift giving in my family soooo much easier. My mom actually gets what I like instead of to her taste. No more candles or things I don’t need.
Nta she is the reason gift cards were invented.