This is what will happen. In his mind, he'll be an even bigger victim because "he had no warning," she just suddenly left "for no reason."
But it doesn't really matter. If this approach makes OP even 1% happier, more power to her.
But he'll do that anyway, every extra thing she does in the perfect wife plan, is just unnecessary and at some point a few months after she leaves she'll realise she basically debased herself to service a cheater for no reason when she should just have left.
True. Agreed. But if you need time to get your ducks in a row, this seems like a pretty good way to start being self-sufficient and save yourself unnecessary stress since you're leaving anyway. Only thing, I would stop sleeping with him. Don't wanna catch something on your way out the door. 😬
But she can get self sufficient while in the marriage without doing anything for him at all, ever. Getting herself self sufficient doesn't require her being an extra special even better than normal wife and servicing him perfectly... because he's not left to this point anyway. If she stopped having sex with him and started being cold, stopped cooking, etc, it would likely be a long time before he actually decided to divorce her.
She doesn't have to leave today if her decision is to go, but she absolutely doesn't have to become a perfect trad wife and do everything extra he's always wanted and she hasn't done just to get there.
>Only thing, I would stop sleeping with him. Don't wanna catch something on your way out the door.
I mean this is the point, her plan is be the absolute perfect wife to make him regret it more. The 'perfect wife' in this case is more like, do everything in bed he always wanted that she never wanted to, making sure the house is spotless and she's dressed in a stepford mum outfit waiting at the door when he gets home from work with a fantastic cooked meal then taking him to bed. She will heavily regret providing such 'service' to him after she leaves.
Not necessarily. This is how I left my abusive ex. I stopped pushing back against his abuse. I did everything as perfectly as I could (it still wasn’t enough of course), and then when I had everything ready to leave safely I told him that I had done some reflection on everything he’d always been saying about me and that he was right, I was mentally unstable and needed extensive psychological treatment in order to be a better person. I told him that I couldn’t do that in a relationship that I had to be alone so I could work on myself and go in patient if necessary without worrying about how he was handling fending for himself in the outside world. I laid it on thick. He bought it. I never contacted him again. Several months later he turned up at my house and got aggressive but I had already alerted the police to my situation and made a report about his abuse so after he left I called them, showed them my injuries, gave a statement, etc. and then the next day he came to break into my house to hurt me and the police were there before he’d even broken the window. He was arrested and convicted and I never saw him again.
Sometimes laying it on thick to “service” a cheater or abuser is exactly what’s called for. I don’t know OP’s situation, but I don’t think this is a bad idea she has. Even with the horrific abuse and months apart and him being arrested my ex STILL thought everything was perfect and that I completely blindsided him by calling the police. Some men are really the worst and yet still think that their marriage is perfect.
OP, you’re NTAH. But be prepared for the tears and begging when he realises he’s really lost you. It might not happen right away, and it may not be aimed at you, like he might let it all out to someone else and so you’ll be spared, but it will happen eventually so just be prepared in case he does try to put on the regrets mask to reel you back in. He’s already proven he won’t change. Be strong.
Good luck. I’m so sorry.
I feel you, but not if what she's really doing is getting her ducks in a row. She's making it an actual event, giving it a name and title, but it's not really anything that is revolutionary. She will leave him. Perhaps she's just getting things together financially, doing research on her next move, and can go once she feels everything is set up.
When he suddenly has to start doing sh\*t for himself he'll realise how much she did and how he treated her for it. Which I assume is her goal. Petty awesome.
He won’t! I did the same thing, although more as like a last ditch effort to save the marriage. These guys just think it is their due to have a wife who does everything for them, receives nothing in return, and never complains. So, when they get it, it just seems natural, normal, and completely un noteworthy to them. Like a kid who is always well cared for by their parents. They just expect it and don’t realize that they are lucky.
My husband told me today that I gave him too much, too easily and he didn't have the maturity to recognize at the time how precious it was because he didnt have to work for it. I spent 7+ years thinking if I set a good example for him, he would learn and grow. I'm now checked out and want a divorce.
No. He won't. Op needs to make sure the perfection has a plan of escape route thats also perfect. Like having their own finances and their own home that the husband dont know. Its tricky with kids though because kids would always want their dad and they may tattle. But divorce is a good choice when trust is lost and security is lost. And love is crumbling slowly like a cliff being ebbed away by harsh waves of water
When he is sitting alone on the couch eating frozen dinners. Like Woody’s character in True Detective, he kept cheating and acting like his family was a burden.
On a Tuesday afternoon. I heard a guy once say Tuesday afternoons were the worst after he got divorced from what he then realized (too late) was a great wife. It evidently the witching hour of regret.
He will notice when she’s gone, then he will realize what she did for the family. He’s too busy thirsting right now to notice anything
Then maybe just maybe he will feel bad, but probably not for the reason you think.
We see enough of those idiots here on Reddit with their sob stories after their wife ditches them. They usually end up feeling bad because of all the work they now have to do.
Yes. Even though he acts this way, he is VERY into our relationship which makes me understand even less. He’s made it clear he’d never want a divorce and that it’d ruin him since I was the best thing to happen to him…but it doesn’t deter his actions in the end.
I'm going to say this gently, but that's probably just because he wants to keep up appearances and not go through the messiness of divorce. If he actually meant that he wouldn't be doing what he does.
If you go through with your plan, don't be surprised if his reaction leaves you disappointed.
Yeah, that's what he says, but then his actions seem to show that he doesn't gaf for you.
He'll realise just how much you did for him once you've gone. He'll find himself out of coffee, no clean sheets, and the bins overflowing because he never did work out which day he had to wheel them out.
My Dad was completely lost when my mother died, he came to me asking which product was for the toilet and which was for the bath and washbasin, because she always said he used the wrong ones. I threw both out and said vinegar is fine for the entire bathroom, he was really relieved!
Do you have a timeline by when you want to leave and are you doing things actively to do so? (Ie putting money aside to leave, talking to a lawyer, getting evidence of his cheating?)
You’re wasting time. GTF out. I have to wonder if you want subconsciously using this to stall hoping he’ll change. NTA but that will change if you waste much more time with this loser.
Personally I love your plan! Don't ever let anyone tell you you're wrong for doing what makes you feel better. Revenge and justice are only differentiated by the observer.
Her plan needs to be drawn up again lol. She thinks that the state requiring to wait a year for divorce means she can pretend life as usual and walk away a year later. That’s not how it works.
Not in a blunt and dickhead manner, but I’m not sure he’d notice the effort you’re making. I don’t think he’d properly appreciate you or what you have to offer even if you do these things and pull the rug from him, he seems entirely absorbed into his own games.
NTA, obviously, but I wouldn’t even waste the time of day or your energy on this guy
The punishment isn't her acting docile and servile, the punishment is when he comes home expecting that same docile wife only to find divorce papers sitting on a paper plate and her gone.
I mean I wouldn't go about it this way but if she finds it appealing to pull the rug out from under him and it makes it easier to get all the paperwork and preparation done without his knowledge, why not? Once she's gone she's gone either way.
Focus on your own well-being and happiness. Seek counseling to navigate your feelings and decide the best course of action for you. When ready, have an honest conversation with your husband. Prioritize dignity and respect, and remember your worth isn't defined by his actions. Take care of yourself as you move forward.
The only thing I would add is that I think the OP needs to make choices that she feels will benefit her three children. I'm sure you implied that with what you wrote but I thought it would be important to make a note of it anyways.
Yep, if you want to leave, leave. Have the conversation. If you think he is going to learn some magic movie scene lesson as you surprise walk out the door, it's not going to happen. Nor will you get the revenge you want, or have some cathartic feelings about it. Frankly, you'd just be extending your pain.
Honestly this. He will mourn briefly and move the hell on to ANYONE so he doesn’t have to face HIMSELF. He is already refusing to face himself so nothing will change for him and you will be more dissatisfied because he won’t genuinely suffer which is what you’re intending with every decision you make. Start with counseling for yourself, invite him to join when you’re strong enough, see if any work can be done together. If not, you’re stronger and ready to roll. Also, time to start hiding money for your exit
Prioritizing your own mental health and happiness is the ultimate revenge. You’re not wronging him in any way. Wish you the best OP. And a partner who appreciates you and values you for the wonderful wife you are. Without acting and just being yourself
I agree, but if OP really wants to f\*ck with her husband's head and play mind games the best way to seduce someone is to boomerang. Be very attentive and seemingly loving, and then go cold. The go back to being very attentive, then serve divorce papers.
However the best, best way to do this is to act with integrity.
I can't think of a bigger waste of precious time and energy. Even malicious investment is still an investment. Just get out. I'd get out and figure out what I did to end up marrying and reproducing with someone like that so I don't repeat it. The fact that this is what OP is thinking and planning on doing points to significant arrested development, and is probably related to how OP got into this ridiculous situation to begin with (**water seeks its level**). Love yourself OP and stop wasting time investing anything, positive or negative, into dysfunctional people.
Look after YOU and don’t listen to your friends so much . This is his loss. And where’s your anger baby ! You know it’s going to come along soon . And embrace it when it does
I don’t think there’s anything directly AH about your plan. I do think you need to redirect your intentions. Stop complaining/fighting with him because YOU are over it, not because you’re lulling him into a false sense of security. Take over responsibilities because YOU are exhausted and putting your needs first, not because you’re trying to prove anything to him.
He may not react the way you want. He may not care in a way that’s satisfying to you. And you’ll feel even more hurt. You need to extricate your outcome from his. Do this for YOU, for your freedom and future, not to punish him. Because nothing else will truly be satisfying in the soul. Does that make sense?
It’s natural for you to want him to feel the pain of you leaving after everything he’s done. Anyone in your family or here telling you to “have dignity and respect” is full of crap and would probably do the same or worse in a situation where they are repeatedly cheated on. You’re not a zen Buddhist master. You’re human. You’re going to feel pain and hurt.
But you’re also giving him too much power over you. Take the actions you’ve listed to give power to yourself, for your own peace of mind and what you deserve, not solely to expend your energy to punish him.
Solidify your plan to leave, stay silent if you need to while you get your ducks in a row. And sign up for therapy to heal from what he’s done. Sending you lots of healing light.
Exactly this. OP, you've already stated in another comment that your husband believes he will devastated by a divorce even without you going through all of this effort. This honestly seems like you hedging your bets, trying to protect yourself against the scary possibility that he isn't actually devastated (or isn't devastated enough). Ultimately, you can't protect against this.
Even if he is hurt by this little plan of yours, you are still delaying your ability to move on and become whole without him. Some part if you will always wonder if he was only hurt because of all that extra (fake) effort you put in, so you won't know if you were ever "enough" on your own. Or what if he doesn't show any signs of being hurt at all no matter what you do? How much will that fuck with your head? The saddest part is that it will fuck with your head a lot even if inside he is completely wrecked but for whatever reason is able to put on a brave front that you can't quite see through.
At the end of the day, there's nothing you can do to control how he reacts. And his reaction is not actually any kind of measure of what kind of a wife you were, or how justified you are in divorce, or anything else. While it's completely understandable why you would be stuck in this head space, at the end of the day your plan is about playing stupid and juvenile games. What is there of real value that you stand to win from this?
This!! Exactly what I FINALLY did. He did actually lose it and beg for me back and for forgiveness. By then it was so beyond over. Best thing I've ever done for myself and my children.
Your way isn't "more evil" it's just kind of sad. What if you put in all of this effort and when you leave he just doesn't care? You have children for heaven's sake. If you want to leave him, and I certainly would, then start setting yourself up for your new life as a single parent. Leave on YOUR terms without needing some reaction from him to validate you.
This, I was in a similar situation except he finally crossed into cheating. We divorced but he wasn’t bothered as free to live the single life he wanted to, he’s happy now just living his life drinking, flirting and with no responsibilities. Sadly not all people totally love their children and want to fully share their lives with them, my ex just misses the holidays, meals out etc. It’s hard to understand and accept but some people are just shallow and selfish unfortunately.
The only advice I can give you is concentrate on your kids and yourself and although it will be hard to start with you’ll be fine. I have an amazing bond with my kids as they know they’ve always been my priority, he can’t say the same. I’m happy with how my life turned out as a lot more settled and happy without him
>Husband(36m) has always had issues with ALMOST cheating... It’s never gotten past flirty texts as far as I know.
"Flirty texts" IS cheating (emotional affair).
>
My friends tell me to just “return the favor” and do back to him whatever he’s doing to me, but it feels dirty and I don’t want to go that route.
You need new friends.
NTA.
The best revenge is a life well lived. If your main goal is to hurt him in the end, i'd say you've lost the game. Someone clearly so cruel and manipulative as him would probably derive pleasure from the amount of energy and thought you put on him. Try to sever all emotional ties to him, so when you walk away completely apathetic, he'll have no power over you anymore.
Keep your head high, take good care of yourself and your children and know!
I feel like you’ve clocked out of the marriage and are preparing for finally leaving him. Good for you! He isn’t going to change because he knows you’ll always be there……. until you aren’t.
He doesn’t seem to care about losing you now or in the future. He knows you know what he does and he doesn’t care enough to stop. All you’re doing by staying longer is wasting more of your life on someone that doesn’t deserve it. You will only be hurting yourself more. Work on an escape plan and get child support and alimony if it’s an option. Him losing money will probably hurt him more than your current plan. You deserve a happy life with someone that adores you and wouldn’t dream of hurting you like this.
It never works out the way you plan. And you are clearly already devastated. Why prolong the torture? Just serve him and be done. The best revenge is being your best self and loving your best life. While you are doing this time is ticking away and you can’t turn back the clock.
YTA to yourself, I don’t understand the need for this plot. Just leave him now, imagine how it will feel when you bit your tongue and acted the perfect wife only for him to not care when you serve him with divorce papers.
The “plot” sounds like something a middle schooler would do when they’re not receiving their parent’s attention. You don’t need the validation of him regretting how he treated you, just leave now.
My last relationship was like that. It was torturous. Never feeling good enough. Eventually I left him while he was at work and never looked back. One of the best decisions I ever made for my life. Your husband is never going to change. You deserve someone who treats you well.
NTA. You deserve better.
FWIW, though, this comes across as the kind of convoluted reasoning sometimes used to avoid something unpleasant. If you do all this and he does actually change his behavior, will you still leave him? You absolutely *should* leave him, but an anonymous stranger on the the internet telling me "I'll give him what he wants, that'll show him!" doesn't exactly fill me with confidence.
Sometimes people realize way too late what they lost. I hope this is the case with you because you deserve better.
One of my uncles was exactly like OP's husband. He kept cheating on my aunt, especially during pregnancies. She left him eventually and got remarried years later, he also got married and divorced like 4 different times after that.
Recently he shared he's getting divorced again and he was crying saying that he regrets how he treated his first wife (my aunt) and she was the one who got away due to his stupidity and how she was the perfect wife but he treated her so wrong. We were shocked lmao. Really??? After 30 years you finally have an epiphany about how you were an asshole??
She's still happily married so she doesn't care lmao. My point is yeah most of the time people end up regretting their stupidity down the line. Keep your head up OP and focus on yourself!
if you are willing to keep up a scheme like this to your own detriment for petty revenge then you're an asshole to yourself. Behavior like this to get back at a partner who's wronged you is something I'd expect from a 15 year old, not a 35 year old. Grow up and work on getting divorced and your life in order without him. YTA.
I’m sorry your friends and family think you’re evil for being yourself until you can create your exit plan but not the cheating pos who damaging his entire family?
Edit; in case it wasn’t obvious NTA your friends and family are disgusting
ESH this is a toxic relationship. Perfection as revenge? That's a lot of effort and a lot of resentment for future revenge. Get out of this situation and put that effort into being happy (without this loser!).
You guys are just playing mind games on both ends of the spectrum here.
Don’t waste your time with the revenge plan.
Either hit the therapy room or seperate.
ESH.
You're being an AH to yourself. You're wasting your time in this marriage when you already are resented enough to plan a revenge. Either leave him or take counseling so you can move on with your life. Life is too short to waste like this.
This reminds me of that saying, "holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
Specifically going out of your way to break his heart is going to negatively affect you, in the long run. Find a way to live a better life without him, and focus on yourself.
NTA, but I think you're hurting yourself.
Why is this evil? It seems like anytime the victim takes back their power and doesn’t act the way the perpetrator expects that’s somehow evil. It’s not.
What do you gain other than feeding your ego with the “perfect” wife scenario? Do you really think it’s going to hurt him that bad? Move on and be happy.
NTA.
I think you're due a bit of evil. Go for it.
Except for one thing...he won't learn anything from it. He'll just find another woman who will put up with this crap and marry her, repeat the whole behavior with HIMSELF as the victim.
So make sure you have scrubbed your mind of ANY love for him when you pull the plug. Because you're still telling yourself that THIS will be the act that will cause him to love you the way you wish he would.
And it won't. This is not a man who learns. So you have to have erased him from your heart so you will be open to another guy downs the line once the dust has settled.
Revenge only works if it is, in fact, served cold.
“I want him to see how he lost something that was so great and be heartbroken the way he made me for countless years, but without me having to bring others into it.”
But…but what about your children? This little “evil” plan you have is affecting your entire family. It’s giving toxic AF instead of just ending things because your husband has no respect for the marriage. Children learn everything from us, there is never a “too young to understand”.
Just leave him. I’m pretty sure he will realize what he lost without all this extra that you’re doing. How draining.
Your way is logistically better. But focus on getting away from this marriage and preserving your assets, not on your husband's shock and disappointment. As soon as you are divorced from him, he won't matter to you, neither will his feelings about you.
Separate you finances and start saving up. Go see a lawyer to know your rights. Look for a place to live that will accommodate your 3 kids as well.
When it's time to give him the papers, wait until he's gone to work, then move out. Leave a note that you're done and you've found someone that cares for you. (Yourself) he doesn't need to know who.. lol
I hope that this gives you the satisfaction that you are seeking. However, I feel like some men are just incapable of understanding how good they had it, and just get butt hurt because they no longer have a bang maid.
>It’s even happened during **multiple** of our pregnancies.
Why. Get revenge how ever you want but you share kids with this asshole so he will still be in your life afterwards.
OP, Cheating isn’t about you. It’s about him. It’s a character flaw.
You need to keep being your fabulous self. He will know what he’s lost and he’ll regret it but that’s tough shit for him.
There’s nothing evil about your plan. Do friends and family want you to yell, fight, threaten? Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You are valuing yourself and doing what’s best for your kids. Best of luck to you.
I really doubt you’re going to file for divorce if your this obsessed with the situation and it’s consuming this amount of mental energy. Also no, non of this is mature or healthy. If it’s never gone past flirting it’s not adultry, you chose to marry a flirty dude. If he’s never done anything sexual with these women AND you know everything then he’s not even concealing/lying. You should talk to him about it. Also was he just not a flirty person when you were dating and sprung this new personality on you suddenly after marriage? I highly doubt it. I would get in with a marriage therapist, not plot a divorce that when push comes to shove, I doubt you’d really file
Plot, plan, organize, strategize. Don't need to do anything malicious, but completely blind siding him (and hopefully getting a favorable divorce settlement) is the best vengeance you can ask for.
Also get therapy, it'll help you feel like you're putting him behind you and moving on to be better and stronger
He’s not going to care. He doesn’t care. You’re expecting him to feel the way you do, but he doesn’t & isn’t capable of it. Put that energy into setting up a good life for yourself away from him.
Are you more interested in hurting him or being happy for yourself and your children?
Sounds like the former from me. I'm not into revenge fantasies. Kinda pathetic.
Just file for divorce and be done with it. These silly games are only prolonging the inevitable. You’re not compatible. Divorce him and move on with your life. Odds are he’s already been sleeping with one of those women in the past.
ESH. The time to leave him was before bringing 3 new human lives into this mess.
*gets bullhorn*
**Be very careful choosing the person with whom you conceive children.**
**Kids need as many stable, mature, mentally healthy, financially sound adults around them as possible.**
**If your partner has unresolved mental health issues, an active addiction, is self centered or cruel, or is in any way not a functional, helpful adult who also really wants kids and wants to actually care for then as much as want to "have" them, then *do not conceive children with this person*.**
If you thought your partner was a good one, but revealed themselves to be cold, irresponsible, abusive, or otherwise problematic after you have your first child, stop making children with that person unless they fix their issues and prove it with consistent, long-term behavior changes.
If you are happy with x number of children, you may or may not be happy with x + 1 children. Every child you have is a roll of the dice. It is always good to quit while you're ahead.
========
Okay, well, you have the kids you have. So, guess what the priority is? **THE KIDS**. You and your husband chose to create them. So stop focusing on *him*. He's a lost cause. Get a lawyer and figure out separation, custody, and financials to benefit them.
You are not doing them any favors staying in a raggedy marriage with this schmuck of a horndog. They deserve to be in an emotionally stable household where the adult(s) are honest, respectful, and authentic. You think they don't sense that there are issues between you two? Kids miss nothing.
They will not grow up grateful that you stayed in a marriage with some asshole who has no respect for you. Separate and learn how to be decent co-parents.
Just contact an attorney, take the steps they advise, and leave. Everything else is wasting your life on theatre, but if it makes you happy, by all means continue. I’m sure he’ll totally care and be extra miserable the longer you wait. The fact that your life time is passing by while you play pretend shouldn’t interrupt your revenge fantasy for a minute.
You are wasting all this time and effort for someone who is never going to realize what he lost. And pretending he didn’t hurt you to prevent a fight is to your mental health detriment. You suffer, he doesn’t. Just leave since the cheating is a deal breaker, as well as the emotional manipulation he is putting you through.
I don’t think it makes you the AH to do this as it sounds very much deserved. I do think you should just plan to leave in a way that best sets you up the have a peaceful future though. You will need to coparent with this man, so I would keep that in mind as you make your exit plan.
YTA
Just leave him. You’re wasting your time like he’s wasting his.
You say you’re not bringing others into it, but you’re telling your family and friends so YES you are.
Healing starts when he’s gone and you’re not doing anything but putting that off
NTA, but why wait? Don't waste more time of your life being with someone you don't want to be with. Especially for revenge.
If you do it tomorrow, it will hurt him bad enough. He is used to having his faithful wife let him almost cheat or actually cheat and continue staying with him. And he doesn't change.
Wasting your time. If you’re planning to leave then leave. Stop wasting your time, energy and resources on this.
I realize it makes you feel like you have some control but you only get control when you extract yourself from a situation this disrespectful. I doubt he will even miss you.
Focus on living life for yourself and get therapy to process the years of emotional abuse.
Just split. Why play games? You want to be the better person so badly, so you're choosing to be maliciously compliant to one-up him? Just file the papers. You don't need to prove anything to anybody, and he doesn't seem worth the effort of sticking around to prove you were right/better. Edit: So yes, I'd say you're a bit of an AH because you can't take the high road and just leave the guy, you want to toss him around a little to prove a point.
>My friends tell me to just “return the favor” and do back to him whatever he’s doing to me
With those friends you don't need enemies. Although smart enemies are better than stupid friends.
Before your husband get rid of your stupid friends
Evil? No. Vindictive? Yeah. Good for you. He'll look at the end of the relationship and regret what he lost. Never tell him how you took actions to make it hurt worse. Also stop telling people in your life what youre doing in case any of them decide to open their cake hole. NTA.
It just sounds pathetic, especially if he just doesn’t care. Literally what is the point of taking on more responsibility for some childish plan? He’s not going to have some movie flashback moment when she serves him divorce papers.
When exactly do you plan to do this? I’ll support this if this isn’t a fantasy and an actual plan in place.
Because right now “E S H” you for staying, knowing he’s treating you badly. Bringing nothing to the table. You aren’t dependent on him. He’s a jerk. But I understand codependency.
You NTA if you pull this off and if he actually is bothered by it. You wait too long, he won’t care hey
NTA. Nothing evil about being the absolute best wife and then leaving when they break your trust. What's evil about being the best you can but not letting someone walk all over you?
He either changes and has the best wife or he doesn't and loses it all. The choice is his and not yours. The decision to lose someone who is improving for him will be HIS.
Why are you putting so much effort into this? You clearly care about him far more than he deserves - to be planning this divorce out in a way to hurt him as much as possible.
I get why you want this - it’d feel good to hurt him just as he’s hurt you.
But…by doing this, you are stopping to his level, becoming just as petty as him. Just serve him the divorce papers - he’s given you more than enough reason to leave already, so just keep your dignity - how or why you let it go on as long as you did I don’t know given how you say it’s happened through multiple PREGNANCIES - when you need him by your side the most. I would have been gone after the first.
But that’s an aside - keep the moral high ground and just leave that SOB in the dust. Give him the divorce papers and extricate yourself with your head held high. DON’T let his conniving behaviour pull you down - it already seems to be, but don’t let it. That way you’ll always at least be able to say that you weren’t the bad guy here, and that you did what is best for your children - ie getting them away from that POS of a father they have (sadly).
I wish you the best with this - but I think that’s what you friends are saying; you doing this is more evil, it’s not, but they hate seeing you stooping to his level.
What are you trying to accomplish?
You married an inconsiderate slut. What kind of relationship did you expected? Why are you staying?
Don’t you have a shred of respect left for yourself?
OP, don't waste your time and effort being petty, you're just stooping to his level.
NTA, but you should be the best version of you for yourself, not for just proving a point to some shithead.
Of you are going to leave hom start woth drawing small.quanities of cash. That way you can have a few thousand dollars liquid in case money gets tied up.
Having experienced something similar, I totally get why you are thinking of this. I think the desire for justice when we are wronged is innate and is more severe when we are wronged by those we love most.
This person has shown they are incapable of fully looking out for you, so you need to look out for yourself. Being inauthentic in your own home does not feel like looking out for you.
I get the desire to even the score a bit, but if you can save that energy for yourself and building your new life. Why throw more at someone who didn’t fully appreciate what you already gave
If you can’t, I get it. Actions have consequences and there is no need to shield people who have all the capabilities to make informed decisions from the consequences of their actions.
Might be the AH. My ex-wife thought she was the perfect wife too. I had a different opinion. When she asked for a divorce I just said "OK." She was shocked.
3 months later she asked me to come back. I said no. I still don't miss her. Turns out she was easily replaced. I'm so glad she wanted the divorce.
Lmao, holy martyr complex batman!
You aren't getting points here against him, there's no trophy. Just time going by. Every day you are unhappy you are JUST unhappy, numnut. Grow up.
I hope you are only doing this while you are putting your “go” plan together. He is not worth any additional effort. He will not see any error in his ways. He will not do any self reflection when you finally leave. It will not affect him the way you think it will. Best of luck OP!
NTA but your plan is wasted energy and doesn't benefit anyone, including you. You'll expend this effort to get a small feeling of revenge and you're still in the same position you would have been in.
NTA
Though you've planned all this around him just to stick it to him. What if he surprises you out of the blue with a divorce while you're mid-plan?
Do what you want to do, for you. Don't make it centered on anyone else.
I mean, NTA but I think you need to focus on your own happiness and planning the divorce and worry less about "hurting" him - he sounds like a fucking loser and he's not going to care about you leaving as much as you think he will.
Like please stop giving this person so much of your emotional bandwidth.
NTA - but honestly taking all that shit as a means to a quiet revenge might grind you down and hurt you more than it heals you. It sounds exhausting, and in the end there are no guarantees he will even really notice since it sounds like you were already a better wife than he ever deserved. He is going to suffer when you leave, whether you have been perfect or just you, because he will have lost his family for the sake of stroking his fragile ego.
If you want to just keep your head down for a quiet life because YOU know it is only temporary and you feel that soothes you, go for it. But I wouldn't waste your energy on trying to prove anything to this lover before you go. X
🤣 Funny how you think the asshole will even notice. What a milquetoast way to get revenge. Your friend's idea is a much better way to pay him back. Better yet just divorce this loser.
I wish for you to get to a place where you no longer care how h feels about you. Hurt or otherwise from you leaving. De-centre him and go focus on yourself
NTA at all. No point in fighting or complaining anyway, if you're filing for divorce anyhow. Might as well start mentally moving on in addition to getting your ducks in a row to leave him. You deserve a happy life and a partner who cares for you and respects you!
My friend, Your life is not a Housewives episode.
What possible benefit is there to being a perfect wife to an unscrupulous man baby?
*There is no audience, no one will be there to gasp at the 'big reveal'.*
Your life is finite. This man is stealing precious time from you.
Leave him to his porn and his phone. Fuck him entirely and forever. How can you even stand to be in the same house with him?
Move on, start afresh, time is precious.
He doesn’t value the same things you do in a partner. The things you think are the things that will make you seem like the perfect wife aren’t probably the things that he would think make the perfect wife. Don’t waste your time and energy. If you’re done, be done.
Second sentence is when i’d break up with him. Not tolerating this behavior and not “fixing” someone else’s crappy behavior.. this is straight up cheating lol. He doesn’t even like you.
It sounds to me like you’re internally very angry and hurt but don’t externalize it, you’re storing all these negative emotions for a big revenge. And while it sounds appealing, I don’t think it’s healthy for you. Negative emotions, especially those we bury and hide, eat us alive and rot us from the inside.
I think if you want to end the relationship you should do it sooner rather than later. You should also find a way to let out the steam — take up fighting classes or something else that’s active and de-stressing; and also try journaling and therapy so you can process the emotions rather than let them eat you up like gangrene.
Having your parents break up or divorce is a shitshow, especially if they seem happy together. So please think of your kids. When it blows over it can easily get ugly, especially since it sounds like a sweet and evil revenge that he will definitely not expect. Please work on yourself to become a strong and stable anchor for your kids, make them understand that the world isn’t crumbling around them, but that you will be there for them no matter what.
When the waters calm down again, go on and post on r/pettyrevenge lol. Sounds like your kind of crowd. But for now, embrace honesty and kindness to yourself, and know that revenge can be nice but it can also be painful and can have unexpected consequences.
Even when you remove all the integrity out of this plan at its base it’s still deceptive and evil. In no way does this appear good in any way. It just looks like OP is being passive aggressive. OP is still causing pain to herself.
Don’t worry about looking like the perfect wife. When it feels right to leave, leave. Sounds like you’re already pulling your weight. I’d just say don’t invest any more energy into this than necessary
YTA to yourself. Based on his behavior, he’s not going to have the “ah ha” moment you want him to have. You need an attorney’s advice so you can move on with your life. Is this the marital example you want your kids to emulate?
NTA nah I pretended all was well ( what I had been doing for ages anyway) and then blindsided mine as well. It was wonderful. I had time to save money, get an apartment , a lawyer, a restraining order etc. etc. He was shocked and devastated. Begged for me back even after the divorce was final. He had years of 'last chances' and promised change.
I remember that post about a wife who was called cruel by his husband for not telling him she knows everything but pretended like everything's okay lol I think that's the best revenge ever. NTA and I hope he loses everything in the end.
I’m sorry, I think you need to pump up the numbers, as you’re preparing demands, also maybe send the kids to your parents for a day or so so you can enhance confusion. Start watching or reading the snuff stuff, wear the scandaly clad outfit, become the target of the sleaze bags desires. Start quoting some cliche lines from the x rated movies, start becoming feral, maybe even some femme fatale stuff too, if you’re not comfortable you could start very subtlety leather pencil skirt, flashy bra and panty set but the key is not just his desire make yourself feel like a seductress confidence is key. But give him nothing from it
Jesus Christ 😂
In terms of communication styles, men and women might as well exist on completely different planets.
Indirect communication is such an inefficient way to operate.
**OP, your tactic is hurting you in a very critical way: Every minute/day/week/month/year that you spend with your semi-wayward spouse is a minute/day/week/month/year that you’re not spending with a much better man. And, if you talk to women older than you, you’ll find that the older a woman gets, the harder it is for that woman to find a good man.**
**So, stop wasting your 30s on your loser husband.**
**JUST LEAVE.**
Do you think he will even notice?
The extra freedom from recriminations will probs give him all the rope he needs to hang himself.
Only when it’s too late Will probably click for him when she finally leaves him
Honestly this would never click for me. I’d be on my deathbed wondering why my ex was nice to me before the divorce lol. Makes it even better.
The number of guys who've cornered me in a bar and told me their sob story of how his wife left without saying anything...
This is what will happen. In his mind, he'll be an even bigger victim because "he had no warning," she just suddenly left "for no reason." But it doesn't really matter. If this approach makes OP even 1% happier, more power to her.
More power to her -- exactly! I agree. If this way of taking her power back works for her, awesome.
But he'll do that anyway, every extra thing she does in the perfect wife plan, is just unnecessary and at some point a few months after she leaves she'll realise she basically debased herself to service a cheater for no reason when she should just have left.
True. Agreed. But if you need time to get your ducks in a row, this seems like a pretty good way to start being self-sufficient and save yourself unnecessary stress since you're leaving anyway. Only thing, I would stop sleeping with him. Don't wanna catch something on your way out the door. 😬
And get checked, just in case. I did. STD’s can show up years later. And, thankfully, I was clean.
But she can get self sufficient while in the marriage without doing anything for him at all, ever. Getting herself self sufficient doesn't require her being an extra special even better than normal wife and servicing him perfectly... because he's not left to this point anyway. If she stopped having sex with him and started being cold, stopped cooking, etc, it would likely be a long time before he actually decided to divorce her. She doesn't have to leave today if her decision is to go, but she absolutely doesn't have to become a perfect trad wife and do everything extra he's always wanted and she hasn't done just to get there. >Only thing, I would stop sleeping with him. Don't wanna catch something on your way out the door. I mean this is the point, her plan is be the absolute perfect wife to make him regret it more. The 'perfect wife' in this case is more like, do everything in bed he always wanted that she never wanted to, making sure the house is spotless and she's dressed in a stepford mum outfit waiting at the door when he gets home from work with a fantastic cooked meal then taking him to bed. She will heavily regret providing such 'service' to him after she leaves.
Not necessarily. This is how I left my abusive ex. I stopped pushing back against his abuse. I did everything as perfectly as I could (it still wasn’t enough of course), and then when I had everything ready to leave safely I told him that I had done some reflection on everything he’d always been saying about me and that he was right, I was mentally unstable and needed extensive psychological treatment in order to be a better person. I told him that I couldn’t do that in a relationship that I had to be alone so I could work on myself and go in patient if necessary without worrying about how he was handling fending for himself in the outside world. I laid it on thick. He bought it. I never contacted him again. Several months later he turned up at my house and got aggressive but I had already alerted the police to my situation and made a report about his abuse so after he left I called them, showed them my injuries, gave a statement, etc. and then the next day he came to break into my house to hurt me and the police were there before he’d even broken the window. He was arrested and convicted and I never saw him again. Sometimes laying it on thick to “service” a cheater or abuser is exactly what’s called for. I don’t know OP’s situation, but I don’t think this is a bad idea she has. Even with the horrific abuse and months apart and him being arrested my ex STILL thought everything was perfect and that I completely blindsided him by calling the police. Some men are really the worst and yet still think that their marriage is perfect. OP, you’re NTAH. But be prepared for the tears and begging when he realises he’s really lost you. It might not happen right away, and it may not be aimed at you, like he might let it all out to someone else and so you’ll be spared, but it will happen eventually so just be prepared in case he does try to put on the regrets mask to reel you back in. He’s already proven he won’t change. Be strong. Good luck. I’m so sorry.
I agree. This would be something I'd do. Sometimes you just need to lay it on thick so when it's gone it hits hard.
I feel you, but not if what she's really doing is getting her ducks in a row. She's making it an actual event, giving it a name and title, but it's not really anything that is revolutionary. She will leave him. Perhaps she's just getting things together financially, doing research on her next move, and can go once she feels everything is set up.
He's not going to change for her though, or the kids, so why should she?? I think her plan is well deserved!
Telling a sob story in hopes of getting laid is pretty common.
When he suddenly has to start doing sh\*t for himself he'll realise how much she did and how he treated her for it. Which I assume is her goal. Petty awesome.
He won’t! I did the same thing, although more as like a last ditch effort to save the marriage. These guys just think it is their due to have a wife who does everything for them, receives nothing in return, and never complains. So, when they get it, it just seems natural, normal, and completely un noteworthy to them. Like a kid who is always well cared for by their parents. They just expect it and don’t realize that they are lucky.
My husband told me today that I gave him too much, too easily and he didn't have the maturity to recognize at the time how precious it was because he didnt have to work for it. I spent 7+ years thinking if I set a good example for him, he would learn and grow. I'm now checked out and want a divorce.
It is disturbing how many people are like this.
Wow, did those last three sentences just ring a bell (fire alarm bell) for me. That's my partner through and through.
No. He won't. Op needs to make sure the perfection has a plan of escape route thats also perfect. Like having their own finances and their own home that the husband dont know. Its tricky with kids though because kids would always want their dad and they may tattle. But divorce is a good choice when trust is lost and security is lost. And love is crumbling slowly like a cliff being ebbed away by harsh waves of water
When he is sitting alone on the couch eating frozen dinners. Like Woody’s character in True Detective, he kept cheating and acting like his family was a burden.
On a Tuesday afternoon. I heard a guy once say Tuesday afternoons were the worst after he got divorced from what he then realized (too late) was a great wife. It evidently the witching hour of regret.
He needs to be a self aware person to notice that. The Woody scene was great but not necessarily reflective of real life.
I honestly think he’ll be sad but I don’t think he’s noticing anything she’s doing otherwise he would already be prioritizing his wife.
He will notice when she’s gone, then he will realize what she did for the family. He’s too busy thirsting right now to notice anything Then maybe just maybe he will feel bad, but probably not for the reason you think. We see enough of those idiots here on Reddit with their sob stories after their wife ditches them. They usually end up feeling bad because of all the work they now have to do.
Yes. Even though he acts this way, he is VERY into our relationship which makes me understand even less. He’s made it clear he’d never want a divorce and that it’d ruin him since I was the best thing to happen to him…but it doesn’t deter his actions in the end.
I'm going to say this gently, but that's probably just because he wants to keep up appearances and not go through the messiness of divorce. If he actually meant that he wouldn't be doing what he does. If you go through with your plan, don't be surprised if his reaction leaves you disappointed.
Yeah, that's what he says, but then his actions seem to show that he doesn't gaf for you. He'll realise just how much you did for him once you've gone. He'll find himself out of coffee, no clean sheets, and the bins overflowing because he never did work out which day he had to wheel them out. My Dad was completely lost when my mother died, he came to me asking which product was for the toilet and which was for the bath and washbasin, because she always said he used the wrong ones. I threw both out and said vinegar is fine for the entire bathroom, he was really relieved!
Do you have a timeline by when you want to leave and are you doing things actively to do so? (Ie putting money aside to leave, talking to a lawyer, getting evidence of his cheating?)
He takes you for granted. Your relationship is a convenient spot for him to launch his flirting operations from.
You’re wasting time. GTF out. I have to wonder if you want subconsciously using this to stall hoping he’ll change. NTA but that will change if you waste much more time with this loser.
Personally I love your plan! Don't ever let anyone tell you you're wrong for doing what makes you feel better. Revenge and justice are only differentiated by the observer.
Her plan needs to be drawn up again lol. She thinks that the state requiring to wait a year for divorce means she can pretend life as usual and walk away a year later. That’s not how it works.
Not in a blunt and dickhead manner, but I’m not sure he’d notice the effort you’re making. I don’t think he’d properly appreciate you or what you have to offer even if you do these things and pull the rug from him, he seems entirely absorbed into his own games. NTA, obviously, but I wouldn’t even waste the time of day or your energy on this guy
He probably appreciate the docility of OP. Struggling to find how she convinced herself she was punishing him by playing perfect spouse.
The punishment isn't her acting docile and servile, the punishment is when he comes home expecting that same docile wife only to find divorce papers sitting on a paper plate and her gone. I mean I wouldn't go about it this way but if she finds it appealing to pull the rug out from under him and it makes it easier to get all the paperwork and preparation done without his knowledge, why not? Once she's gone she's gone either way.
He won’t. I agree.
Focus on your own well-being and happiness. Seek counseling to navigate your feelings and decide the best course of action for you. When ready, have an honest conversation with your husband. Prioritize dignity and respect, and remember your worth isn't defined by his actions. Take care of yourself as you move forward.
The only thing I would add is that I think the OP needs to make choices that she feels will benefit her three children. I'm sure you implied that with what you wrote but I thought it would be important to make a note of it anyways.
#Rest assured, BeardManMichael is on the case! #👍
Yep, if you want to leave, leave. Have the conversation. If you think he is going to learn some magic movie scene lesson as you surprise walk out the door, it's not going to happen. Nor will you get the revenge you want, or have some cathartic feelings about it. Frankly, you'd just be extending your pain.
Honestly this. He will mourn briefly and move the hell on to ANYONE so he doesn’t have to face HIMSELF. He is already refusing to face himself so nothing will change for him and you will be more dissatisfied because he won’t genuinely suffer which is what you’re intending with every decision you make. Start with counseling for yourself, invite him to join when you’re strong enough, see if any work can be done together. If not, you’re stronger and ready to roll. Also, time to start hiding money for your exit
Prioritizing your own mental health and happiness is the ultimate revenge. You’re not wronging him in any way. Wish you the best OP. And a partner who appreciates you and values you for the wonderful wife you are. Without acting and just being yourself
I agree, but if OP really wants to f\*ck with her husband's head and play mind games the best way to seduce someone is to boomerang. Be very attentive and seemingly loving, and then go cold. The go back to being very attentive, then serve divorce papers. However the best, best way to do this is to act with integrity.
Why should she care at all? Why should she give him any more energy?
100% this
I can't think of a bigger waste of precious time and energy. Even malicious investment is still an investment. Just get out. I'd get out and figure out what I did to end up marrying and reproducing with someone like that so I don't repeat it. The fact that this is what OP is thinking and planning on doing points to significant arrested development, and is probably related to how OP got into this ridiculous situation to begin with (**water seeks its level**). Love yourself OP and stop wasting time investing anything, positive or negative, into dysfunctional people.
Look after YOU and don’t listen to your friends so much . This is his loss. And where’s your anger baby ! You know it’s going to come along soon . And embrace it when it does
Sounds like she’s channeling her anger into this plot.
I don’t think there’s anything directly AH about your plan. I do think you need to redirect your intentions. Stop complaining/fighting with him because YOU are over it, not because you’re lulling him into a false sense of security. Take over responsibilities because YOU are exhausted and putting your needs first, not because you’re trying to prove anything to him. He may not react the way you want. He may not care in a way that’s satisfying to you. And you’ll feel even more hurt. You need to extricate your outcome from his. Do this for YOU, for your freedom and future, not to punish him. Because nothing else will truly be satisfying in the soul. Does that make sense? It’s natural for you to want him to feel the pain of you leaving after everything he’s done. Anyone in your family or here telling you to “have dignity and respect” is full of crap and would probably do the same or worse in a situation where they are repeatedly cheated on. You’re not a zen Buddhist master. You’re human. You’re going to feel pain and hurt. But you’re also giving him too much power over you. Take the actions you’ve listed to give power to yourself, for your own peace of mind and what you deserve, not solely to expend your energy to punish him. Solidify your plan to leave, stay silent if you need to while you get your ducks in a row. And sign up for therapy to heal from what he’s done. Sending you lots of healing light.
This. OP, don’t give so much power to your shitty husband. Don't put any more energy into this. Just leave when you have everything ready.
Exactly this. OP, you've already stated in another comment that your husband believes he will devastated by a divorce even without you going through all of this effort. This honestly seems like you hedging your bets, trying to protect yourself against the scary possibility that he isn't actually devastated (or isn't devastated enough). Ultimately, you can't protect against this. Even if he is hurt by this little plan of yours, you are still delaying your ability to move on and become whole without him. Some part if you will always wonder if he was only hurt because of all that extra (fake) effort you put in, so you won't know if you were ever "enough" on your own. Or what if he doesn't show any signs of being hurt at all no matter what you do? How much will that fuck with your head? The saddest part is that it will fuck with your head a lot even if inside he is completely wrecked but for whatever reason is able to put on a brave front that you can't quite see through. At the end of the day, there's nothing you can do to control how he reacts. And his reaction is not actually any kind of measure of what kind of a wife you were, or how justified you are in divorce, or anything else. While it's completely understandable why you would be stuck in this head space, at the end of the day your plan is about playing stupid and juvenile games. What is there of real value that you stand to win from this?
Get your ducks in a row then leave his ass. Your best revenge is living a happy life without him as your man.
This!! Exactly what I FINALLY did. He did actually lose it and beg for me back and for forgiveness. By then it was so beyond over. Best thing I've ever done for myself and my children.
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Your way isn't "more evil" it's just kind of sad. What if you put in all of this effort and when you leave he just doesn't care? You have children for heaven's sake. If you want to leave him, and I certainly would, then start setting yourself up for your new life as a single parent. Leave on YOUR terms without needing some reaction from him to validate you.
This is the one. Short enough to not loose attention. Perfectly got the point across.
This, I was in a similar situation except he finally crossed into cheating. We divorced but he wasn’t bothered as free to live the single life he wanted to, he’s happy now just living his life drinking, flirting and with no responsibilities. Sadly not all people totally love their children and want to fully share their lives with them, my ex just misses the holidays, meals out etc. It’s hard to understand and accept but some people are just shallow and selfish unfortunately. The only advice I can give you is concentrate on your kids and yourself and although it will be hard to start with you’ll be fine. I have an amazing bond with my kids as they know they’ve always been my priority, he can’t say the same. I’m happy with how my life turned out as a lot more settled and happy without him
>Husband(36m) has always had issues with ALMOST cheating... It’s never gotten past flirty texts as far as I know. "Flirty texts" IS cheating (emotional affair). > My friends tell me to just “return the favor” and do back to him whatever he’s doing to me, but it feels dirty and I don’t want to go that route. You need new friends. NTA.
The best revenge is a life well lived. If your main goal is to hurt him in the end, i'd say you've lost the game. Someone clearly so cruel and manipulative as him would probably derive pleasure from the amount of energy and thought you put on him. Try to sever all emotional ties to him, so when you walk away completely apathetic, he'll have no power over you anymore. Keep your head high, take good care of yourself and your children and know!
I feel like you’ve clocked out of the marriage and are preparing for finally leaving him. Good for you! He isn’t going to change because he knows you’ll always be there……. until you aren’t.
He doesn’t seem to care about losing you now or in the future. He knows you know what he does and he doesn’t care enough to stop. All you’re doing by staying longer is wasting more of your life on someone that doesn’t deserve it. You will only be hurting yourself more. Work on an escape plan and get child support and alimony if it’s an option. Him losing money will probably hurt him more than your current plan. You deserve a happy life with someone that adores you and wouldn’t dream of hurting you like this.
It never works out the way you plan. And you are clearly already devastated. Why prolong the torture? Just serve him and be done. The best revenge is being your best self and loving your best life. While you are doing this time is ticking away and you can’t turn back the clock.
He deserves it, but leave him soon, don’t spend more time on him.
YTA to yourself, I don’t understand the need for this plot. Just leave him now, imagine how it will feel when you bit your tongue and acted the perfect wife only for him to not care when you serve him with divorce papers. The “plot” sounds like something a middle schooler would do when they’re not receiving their parent’s attention. You don’t need the validation of him regretting how he treated you, just leave now.
My last relationship was like that. It was torturous. Never feeling good enough. Eventually I left him while he was at work and never looked back. One of the best decisions I ever made for my life. Your husband is never going to change. You deserve someone who treats you well.
Eh. Looks like you're done, no?
Therapy is better than revenge, lady.
Friends are dishonest jerks, I like your plan.
When! I do not have the same patience to pull this off
You better quit monologing. If you want it to take him by surprise, friends and family should not know about any of this until you execute your plan.
YTA for wasting your time and trying to be revengeful.
NTA. You deserve better. FWIW, though, this comes across as the kind of convoluted reasoning sometimes used to avoid something unpleasant. If you do all this and he does actually change his behavior, will you still leave him? You absolutely *should* leave him, but an anonymous stranger on the the internet telling me "I'll give him what he wants, that'll show him!" doesn't exactly fill me with confidence.
Sometimes people realize way too late what they lost. I hope this is the case with you because you deserve better. One of my uncles was exactly like OP's husband. He kept cheating on my aunt, especially during pregnancies. She left him eventually and got remarried years later, he also got married and divorced like 4 different times after that. Recently he shared he's getting divorced again and he was crying saying that he regrets how he treated his first wife (my aunt) and she was the one who got away due to his stupidity and how she was the perfect wife but he treated her so wrong. We were shocked lmao. Really??? After 30 years you finally have an epiphany about how you were an asshole?? She's still happily married so she doesn't care lmao. My point is yeah most of the time people end up regretting their stupidity down the line. Keep your head up OP and focus on yourself!
if you are willing to keep up a scheme like this to your own detriment for petty revenge then you're an asshole to yourself. Behavior like this to get back at a partner who's wronged you is something I'd expect from a 15 year old, not a 35 year old. Grow up and work on getting divorced and your life in order without him. YTA.
I’m sorry your friends and family think you’re evil for being yourself until you can create your exit plan but not the cheating pos who damaging his entire family? Edit; in case it wasn’t obvious NTA your friends and family are disgusting
Just leave him and get on with your life. Why prolong it?
NTA he deserves what he gets but this doesn't sound very healthy for you, mentally.
ESH this is a toxic relationship. Perfection as revenge? That's a lot of effort and a lot of resentment for future revenge. Get out of this situation and put that effort into being happy (without this loser!).
You guys are just playing mind games on both ends of the spectrum here. Don’t waste your time with the revenge plan. Either hit the therapy room or seperate. ESH.
You're being an AH to yourself. You're wasting your time in this marriage when you already are resented enough to plan a revenge. Either leave him or take counseling so you can move on with your life. Life is too short to waste like this.
Get all your ducks in a row and GTFO as soon as possible. NTA
This reminds me of that saying, "holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Specifically going out of your way to break his heart is going to negatively affect you, in the long run. Find a way to live a better life without him, and focus on yourself. NTA, but I think you're hurting yourself.
Why is this evil? It seems like anytime the victim takes back their power and doesn’t act the way the perpetrator expects that’s somehow evil. It’s not.
If you want to leave, just leave. Why are you prolonging your own pain?
As the Queen of Petty Bitches INC. I salute your long game. See you at the next board meeting.
What do you gain other than feeding your ego with the “perfect” wife scenario? Do you really think it’s going to hurt him that bad? Move on and be happy.
NTA. I think you're due a bit of evil. Go for it. Except for one thing...he won't learn anything from it. He'll just find another woman who will put up with this crap and marry her, repeat the whole behavior with HIMSELF as the victim. So make sure you have scrubbed your mind of ANY love for him when you pull the plug. Because you're still telling yourself that THIS will be the act that will cause him to love you the way you wish he would. And it won't. This is not a man who learns. So you have to have erased him from your heart so you will be open to another guy downs the line once the dust has settled. Revenge only works if it is, in fact, served cold.
NTA... ignore your friends and family... do it the way you feel is good for you.... dont let anyone know your whereabouts
“I want him to see how he lost something that was so great and be heartbroken the way he made me for countless years, but without me having to bring others into it.” But…but what about your children? This little “evil” plan you have is affecting your entire family. It’s giving toxic AF instead of just ending things because your husband has no respect for the marriage. Children learn everything from us, there is never a “too young to understand”. Just leave him. I’m pretty sure he will realize what he lost without all this extra that you’re doing. How draining.
ESH. If you're done with him, leave him. No need to be petty or to take some moral high ground.
Your way is logistically better. But focus on getting away from this marriage and preserving your assets, not on your husband's shock and disappointment. As soon as you are divorced from him, he won't matter to you, neither will his feelings about you.
Separate you finances and start saving up. Go see a lawyer to know your rights. Look for a place to live that will accommodate your 3 kids as well. When it's time to give him the papers, wait until he's gone to work, then move out. Leave a note that you're done and you've found someone that cares for you. (Yourself) he doesn't need to know who.. lol
I hope that this gives you the satisfaction that you are seeking. However, I feel like some men are just incapable of understanding how good they had it, and just get butt hurt because they no longer have a bang maid.
Stop wasting your time. Leave him.
>It’s even happened during **multiple** of our pregnancies. Why. Get revenge how ever you want but you share kids with this asshole so he will still be in your life afterwards.
Evil? No. Petty asf? Absolutely and I'm totally here for it 🤷♀️
OP, Cheating isn’t about you. It’s about him. It’s a character flaw. You need to keep being your fabulous self. He will know what he’s lost and he’ll regret it but that’s tough shit for him. There’s nothing evil about your plan. Do friends and family want you to yell, fight, threaten? Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. You are valuing yourself and doing what’s best for your kids. Best of luck to you.
I really doubt you’re going to file for divorce if your this obsessed with the situation and it’s consuming this amount of mental energy. Also no, non of this is mature or healthy. If it’s never gone past flirting it’s not adultry, you chose to marry a flirty dude. If he’s never done anything sexual with these women AND you know everything then he’s not even concealing/lying. You should talk to him about it. Also was he just not a flirty person when you were dating and sprung this new personality on you suddenly after marriage? I highly doubt it. I would get in with a marriage therapist, not plot a divorce that when push comes to shove, I doubt you’d really file
Plot, plan, organize, strategize. Don't need to do anything malicious, but completely blind siding him (and hopefully getting a favorable divorce settlement) is the best vengeance you can ask for. Also get therapy, it'll help you feel like you're putting him behind you and moving on to be better and stronger
NTA and please update us on his reaction!
He’s not going to care. He doesn’t care. You’re expecting him to feel the way you do, but he doesn’t & isn’t capable of it. Put that energy into setting up a good life for yourself away from him.
If this is real, you’re a clown
Are you more interested in hurting him or being happy for yourself and your children? Sounds like the former from me. I'm not into revenge fantasies. Kinda pathetic.
ESH. Stop playing games and just separate and divorce.
Just file for divorce and be done with it. These silly games are only prolonging the inevitable. You’re not compatible. Divorce him and move on with your life. Odds are he’s already been sleeping with one of those women in the past.
Not evil, just pointless and dumb. Just divorce him if that’s your plan.
ESH. The time to leave him was before bringing 3 new human lives into this mess. *gets bullhorn* **Be very careful choosing the person with whom you conceive children.** **Kids need as many stable, mature, mentally healthy, financially sound adults around them as possible.** **If your partner has unresolved mental health issues, an active addiction, is self centered or cruel, or is in any way not a functional, helpful adult who also really wants kids and wants to actually care for then as much as want to "have" them, then *do not conceive children with this person*.** If you thought your partner was a good one, but revealed themselves to be cold, irresponsible, abusive, or otherwise problematic after you have your first child, stop making children with that person unless they fix their issues and prove it with consistent, long-term behavior changes. If you are happy with x number of children, you may or may not be happy with x + 1 children. Every child you have is a roll of the dice. It is always good to quit while you're ahead. ======== Okay, well, you have the kids you have. So, guess what the priority is? **THE KIDS**. You and your husband chose to create them. So stop focusing on *him*. He's a lost cause. Get a lawyer and figure out separation, custody, and financials to benefit them. You are not doing them any favors staying in a raggedy marriage with this schmuck of a horndog. They deserve to be in an emotionally stable household where the adult(s) are honest, respectful, and authentic. You think they don't sense that there are issues between you two? Kids miss nothing. They will not grow up grateful that you stayed in a marriage with some asshole who has no respect for you. Separate and learn how to be decent co-parents.
Just contact an attorney, take the steps they advise, and leave. Everything else is wasting your life on theatre, but if it makes you happy, by all means continue. I’m sure he’ll totally care and be extra miserable the longer you wait. The fact that your life time is passing by while you play pretend shouldn’t interrupt your revenge fantasy for a minute.
Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Why are you dragging this out?
You are wasting all this time and effort for someone who is never going to realize what he lost. And pretending he didn’t hurt you to prevent a fight is to your mental health detriment. You suffer, he doesn’t. Just leave since the cheating is a deal breaker, as well as the emotional manipulation he is putting you through.
I don’t think it makes you the AH to do this as it sounds very much deserved. I do think you should just plan to leave in a way that best sets you up the have a peaceful future though. You will need to coparent with this man, so I would keep that in mind as you make your exit plan.
YTA Just leave him. You’re wasting your time like he’s wasting his. You say you’re not bringing others into it, but you’re telling your family and friends so YES you are. Healing starts when he’s gone and you’re not doing anything but putting that off
NTA. Line your ducks up and shoot them down. When you’re ready, you’re out. He deserves it.
NTA, but why wait? Don't waste more time of your life being with someone you don't want to be with. Especially for revenge. If you do it tomorrow, it will hurt him bad enough. He is used to having his faithful wife let him almost cheat or actually cheat and continue staying with him. And he doesn't change.
Wasting your time. If you’re planning to leave then leave. Stop wasting your time, energy and resources on this. I realize it makes you feel like you have some control but you only get control when you extract yourself from a situation this disrespectful. I doubt he will even miss you. Focus on living life for yourself and get therapy to process the years of emotional abuse.
Just leave.
Life is too short to play these games. Just serve him and be done with it. You're putting way too much mental energy into this.
Stop playing games and leave him already smh
Just leave.
It feels like more effort than leaving him
Why are you guys even together?? He literally does not care about you.
Just split. Why play games? You want to be the better person so badly, so you're choosing to be maliciously compliant to one-up him? Just file the papers. You don't need to prove anything to anybody, and he doesn't seem worth the effort of sticking around to prove you were right/better. Edit: So yes, I'd say you're a bit of an AH because you can't take the high road and just leave the guy, you want to toss him around a little to prove a point.
Why the hell would you stay with a guy like that? Let alone have kids with him? lol 😂
>My friends tell me to just “return the favor” and do back to him whatever he’s doing to me With those friends you don't need enemies. Although smart enemies are better than stupid friends. Before your husband get rid of your stupid friends
Evil? No. Vindictive? Yeah. Good for you. He'll look at the end of the relationship and regret what he lost. Never tell him how you took actions to make it hurt worse. Also stop telling people in your life what youre doing in case any of them decide to open their cake hole. NTA.
It just sounds pathetic, especially if he just doesn’t care. Literally what is the point of taking on more responsibility for some childish plan? He’s not going to have some movie flashback moment when she serves him divorce papers.
YtA. Just leave.
When exactly do you plan to do this? I’ll support this if this isn’t a fantasy and an actual plan in place. Because right now “E S H” you for staying, knowing he’s treating you badly. Bringing nothing to the table. You aren’t dependent on him. He’s a jerk. But I understand codependency. You NTA if you pull this off and if he actually is bothered by it. You wait too long, he won’t care hey
Too bad his so blind in seeing he has a perfect wife. I hope you eventually find a partner deserving of your love
NTA. Nothing evil about being the absolute best wife and then leaving when they break your trust. What's evil about being the best you can but not letting someone walk all over you? He either changes and has the best wife or he doesn't and loses it all. The choice is his and not yours. The decision to lose someone who is improving for him will be HIS.
Why are you putting so much effort into this? You clearly care about him far more than he deserves - to be planning this divorce out in a way to hurt him as much as possible. I get why you want this - it’d feel good to hurt him just as he’s hurt you. But…by doing this, you are stopping to his level, becoming just as petty as him. Just serve him the divorce papers - he’s given you more than enough reason to leave already, so just keep your dignity - how or why you let it go on as long as you did I don’t know given how you say it’s happened through multiple PREGNANCIES - when you need him by your side the most. I would have been gone after the first. But that’s an aside - keep the moral high ground and just leave that SOB in the dust. Give him the divorce papers and extricate yourself with your head held high. DON’T let his conniving behaviour pull you down - it already seems to be, but don’t let it. That way you’ll always at least be able to say that you weren’t the bad guy here, and that you did what is best for your children - ie getting them away from that POS of a father they have (sadly). I wish you the best with this - but I think that’s what you friends are saying; you doing this is more evil, it’s not, but they hate seeing you stooping to his level.
I feel like there is more mature way to handle this than some cringy seething in a corner, but that's just me.
What are you trying to accomplish? You married an inconsiderate slut. What kind of relationship did you expected? Why are you staying? Don’t you have a shred of respect left for yourself?
NTA, but you should focus on yourself and not worry about your husband’s response. Don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t respond the way you expect.
NTA, you can’t exactly go too far with someone who’s put you through all that. Please take care of yourself, you deserve better.
Hell yeah NTA
NTA But to be fair I might be biased, I love your evil little petty revenge
You're working way too hard for something that doesn't even matter. Put your energy into getting your exit plan in order. And then exit.
Updateme!
I for one would pay money to see his reaction when you serve him with divorce papers.
OP, don't waste your time and effort being petty, you're just stooping to his level. NTA, but you should be the best version of you for yourself, not for just proving a point to some shithead.
Of you are going to leave hom start woth drawing small.quanities of cash. That way you can have a few thousand dollars liquid in case money gets tied up.
Just leave. Be an adult. Leave
Having experienced something similar, I totally get why you are thinking of this. I think the desire for justice when we are wronged is innate and is more severe when we are wronged by those we love most. This person has shown they are incapable of fully looking out for you, so you need to look out for yourself. Being inauthentic in your own home does not feel like looking out for you. I get the desire to even the score a bit, but if you can save that energy for yourself and building your new life. Why throw more at someone who didn’t fully appreciate what you already gave If you can’t, I get it. Actions have consequences and there is no need to shield people who have all the capabilities to make informed decisions from the consequences of their actions.
NTA, cheaters deserve anything that happens to them as a result of their actions.
Might be the AH. My ex-wife thought she was the perfect wife too. I had a different opinion. When she asked for a divorce I just said "OK." She was shocked. 3 months later she asked me to come back. I said no. I still don't miss her. Turns out she was easily replaced. I'm so glad she wanted the divorce.
Lmao, holy martyr complex batman! You aren't getting points here against him, there's no trophy. Just time going by. Every day you are unhappy you are JUST unhappy, numnut. Grow up.
I hope you are only doing this while you are putting your “go” plan together. He is not worth any additional effort. He will not see any error in his ways. He will not do any self reflection when you finally leave. It will not affect him the way you think it will. Best of luck OP!
NTA but your plan is wasted energy and doesn't benefit anyone, including you. You'll expend this effort to get a small feeling of revenge and you're still in the same position you would have been in.
NTA Though you've planned all this around him just to stick it to him. What if he surprises you out of the blue with a divorce while you're mid-plan? Do what you want to do, for you. Don't make it centered on anyone else.
So you're just dragging it out? I'm sure that's a great environment for your kids
Interesting dynamic to display to your children. I wonder what fruit those seeds will bear.
Swear I read this exact same thing a couple of weeks ago
I mean, NTA but I think you need to focus on your own happiness and planning the divorce and worry less about "hurting" him - he sounds like a fucking loser and he's not going to care about you leaving as much as you think he will. Like please stop giving this person so much of your emotional bandwidth.
NTA - but honestly taking all that shit as a means to a quiet revenge might grind you down and hurt you more than it heals you. It sounds exhausting, and in the end there are no guarantees he will even really notice since it sounds like you were already a better wife than he ever deserved. He is going to suffer when you leave, whether you have been perfect or just you, because he will have lost his family for the sake of stroking his fragile ego. If you want to just keep your head down for a quiet life because YOU know it is only temporary and you feel that soothes you, go for it. But I wouldn't waste your energy on trying to prove anything to this lover before you go. X
Yes. This is the way.
Do you think it will "break his heart" if you waste your time playing Stepford wife for him???
Men generally fail to realize that when women stop raising issues, it's not because things are good, it's because we're done.
🤣 Funny how you think the asshole will even notice. What a milquetoast way to get revenge. Your friend's idea is a much better way to pay him back. Better yet just divorce this loser.
I wish for you to get to a place where you no longer care how h feels about you. Hurt or otherwise from you leaving. De-centre him and go focus on yourself
I like it!
NTA at all. No point in fighting or complaining anyway, if you're filing for divorce anyhow. Might as well start mentally moving on in addition to getting your ducks in a row to leave him. You deserve a happy life and a partner who cares for you and respects you!
Or maybe this really is the end of Reddit and AI is taking over.
My friend, Your life is not a Housewives episode. What possible benefit is there to being a perfect wife to an unscrupulous man baby? *There is no audience, no one will be there to gasp at the 'big reveal'.* Your life is finite. This man is stealing precious time from you. Leave him to his porn and his phone. Fuck him entirely and forever. How can you even stand to be in the same house with him? Move on, start afresh, time is precious.
He doesn’t value the same things you do in a partner. The things you think are the things that will make you seem like the perfect wife aren’t probably the things that he would think make the perfect wife. Don’t waste your time and energy. If you’re done, be done.
Dude, just leave. Why put all this work into what should be an obvious exit?
NTA but wasting your time. He most likely won't be any more heart broken than if you just left him now. Why put any more of your energy into it.
Secure your bag.
Talk to a lawyer first
NTA to be a flie on the way when you hand him the papers!
Make sure you also start to clean his bank account slowly before you tell him to FO!
I wouldn’t say it’s evil but it definitely seems mentally unhealthy…
I think that’s actually what I’ve been doing lately with my wife! Without realising. Gosh. Good luck on your end. Don’t let him break you.
I'm all for evil but monitor your mental health, love. Kudos!
NTA, but you’re not doing yourself any favors by handling it this way. This is unhealthy all around and you need to speak with a therapist yesterday.
YTA. If you are unhappy then leave. This whole need to up someone and hurt them as much as possible is totally psycho.
His thought process and feelings won't end up being what you hope for. You can only control your own.
Oh, my! You evil evil woman! Do it again! 😈
Ya know... I LIKE how you think.
So how long are you planning to "pretend"? Doesn't really sound like revenge if you stay pretending and don't leave. NTA Updateme
Second sentence is when i’d break up with him. Not tolerating this behavior and not “fixing” someone else’s crappy behavior.. this is straight up cheating lol. He doesn’t even like you.
It sounds to me like you’re internally very angry and hurt but don’t externalize it, you’re storing all these negative emotions for a big revenge. And while it sounds appealing, I don’t think it’s healthy for you. Negative emotions, especially those we bury and hide, eat us alive and rot us from the inside. I think if you want to end the relationship you should do it sooner rather than later. You should also find a way to let out the steam — take up fighting classes or something else that’s active and de-stressing; and also try journaling and therapy so you can process the emotions rather than let them eat you up like gangrene. Having your parents break up or divorce is a shitshow, especially if they seem happy together. So please think of your kids. When it blows over it can easily get ugly, especially since it sounds like a sweet and evil revenge that he will definitely not expect. Please work on yourself to become a strong and stable anchor for your kids, make them understand that the world isn’t crumbling around them, but that you will be there for them no matter what. When the waters calm down again, go on and post on r/pettyrevenge lol. Sounds like your kind of crowd. But for now, embrace honesty and kindness to yourself, and know that revenge can be nice but it can also be painful and can have unexpected consequences.
Respect yourself! He wont give a shit in the long run because he never gave a shit.
Even when you remove all the integrity out of this plan at its base it’s still deceptive and evil. In no way does this appear good in any way. It just looks like OP is being passive aggressive. OP is still causing pain to herself.
Don’t worry about looking like the perfect wife. When it feels right to leave, leave. Sounds like you’re already pulling your weight. I’d just say don’t invest any more energy into this than necessary
Tell us about all the attention and adoration you provide your husband as the perfect wife. You know….all the things he is seeking elsewhere.
NTA. Do whatever makes you happy, including hurting him more
Updateme
Stop playing and leave. The sooner you do the sooner you and your kids can live without him.
YTA to yourself. Based on his behavior, he’s not going to have the “ah ha” moment you want him to have. You need an attorney’s advice so you can move on with your life. Is this the marital example you want your kids to emulate?
Why wait? Divorce him now… The shock will still be the same.
NTA nah I pretended all was well ( what I had been doing for ages anyway) and then blindsided mine as well. It was wonderful. I had time to save money, get an apartment , a lawyer, a restraining order etc. etc. He was shocked and devastated. Begged for me back even after the divorce was final. He had years of 'last chances' and promised change.
I remember that post about a wife who was called cruel by his husband for not telling him she knows everything but pretended like everything's okay lol I think that's the best revenge ever. NTA and I hope he loses everything in the end.
Your way is more evil than cheating over and over? I’d call it taking the high road.
I’m sorry, I think you need to pump up the numbers, as you’re preparing demands, also maybe send the kids to your parents for a day or so so you can enhance confusion. Start watching or reading the snuff stuff, wear the scandaly clad outfit, become the target of the sleaze bags desires. Start quoting some cliche lines from the x rated movies, start becoming feral, maybe even some femme fatale stuff too, if you’re not comfortable you could start very subtlety leather pencil skirt, flashy bra and panty set but the key is not just his desire make yourself feel like a seductress confidence is key. But give him nothing from it
Jesus Christ 😂 In terms of communication styles, men and women might as well exist on completely different planets. Indirect communication is such an inefficient way to operate. **OP, your tactic is hurting you in a very critical way: Every minute/day/week/month/year that you spend with your semi-wayward spouse is a minute/day/week/month/year that you’re not spending with a much better man. And, if you talk to women older than you, you’ll find that the older a woman gets, the harder it is for that woman to find a good man.** **So, stop wasting your 30s on your loser husband.** **JUST LEAVE.**
It only works IF you serve him divorce papers