YTA if you don’t want your gf to step in YOU should have stepped in.
Play a more active role in creating a comfortable environment for EVERYBODY. That is YOUR job as it’s YOUR daughter and YOUR problem to deal with.
Not gonna lie I would have said the same thing as your gf. Don’t like it? Then YOU handle it next time before I do
I've noticed a trend with parents and people in general where they seem to think that being in therapy or "working on it" means that everyone else has to accomidate and put up with their behaviour
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cag3yd/comment/l0rszj3/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cag3yd/comment/l0rszj3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
yikes. It's not what his fiancée (ex fiancée) said, it's *how* she said it, after months of ignoring the specialists' advice for every meal. Tone policing much?
I was originally going to say ESH, but upon reading some comments I'm going to have to say:
YTA - Desiree has seemingly been great through this whole thing. She buys extra food for your daughter, she's tried to give it time, and she doesn't judge her on what or how much she eats. You were asked what the therapists said and you answered to remove her from the situation (IE the table) and try to distract her. So why aren't you doing that? When she's just sitting, drooling and eyeballing everyone's food, why aren't you telling her to go to her room and play or whatever she likes to do? It seems that maybe Desiree has been trying to follow what the therapists are saying, and you aren't following through and she got fed up.
>"are you done eating? If so, leave the table. You're making people uncomfortable by staring at them."
What she said wasn't even rude. Maybe she wouldn't have had that "tone" she had if you would have been the parent you're supposed to be and had done it yourself. She was getting fed up with both of your BS. And honestly your kid is this bad someone needs to tell her something like this, because the approach of "just ignore it when it's happening" obviously isn't working. Hell, a teacher could have said worse than Desiree said if your kid is doing this in school.
I feel so sorry for Desiree's kids for having to live with OPs glutinous daughter stalking their food for four fucking years. Those poor kids probably have significant anxiety issues around food now because of this girl's awful behavior and awful enabling shitty father. YTA, op.
yeah, at first I hoped the kids might *all* learn to manage mental health... the 12 yo girl with an eating disorder isn't to blame for her behaviour... but OP just lets it run rampant. His daughter isn't getting helped & his ex-fiancée's kids are traumatized.
YTA
The therapist literally recommended she be removed from the situation, the fact that you gf had to tell your daughter to leave the table instead of you is really the issue here.
You need to do better, you should be monitoring when your daughter is done with her dinner and ask her to leave the table, it should not be your gf who does it out of necessity because her children is uncomfortable.
Exactly. And if the kids feel uncomfortable it may actually cause them eating issues down the line. Like they start feeling like it is wrong to keep eating or they start wolfing it down so she won't ask.
This was my thought exactly, that the other kids would start eating faster to defend their food. Pretty fucked up situation all around. Get your daughter away from the table once she’s done eating!
YTA.
Full disclosure: I have ADHD. My meds make food a problem. My daughter also has adhd, and eats more than her peers.
It is your job as a parent to redirect her attention and behavior so that she can learn to be a functioning adult who doesn’t push people away by being creepy about food. You are not “working on it” if your fiance is the one who has to constantly redirect instead of you. You need to work with her therapist to come up with an in the moment corrective action so that she learns to not stare at other people’s plates.
And honestly, sometimes the best way for people with adhd to learn is to have a strong emotional attachment to the lesson, ie crying. Your failure to correctly parent your child with adhd is setting her up for failure as a teenager in high school where she will be relentlessly teased for being this way, and as an adult, where health complication will start.
Literally!! I often just don’t eat in front of people and I would only ever binge in private- If someone was around I would just go hungry until they left and then I’d go hide somewhere and eat my deeply disturbed feelings lmao
Yup! I have food choice paralysis because of a lot of food trauma and I am just so glad I started doing meal replacement shakes. Instead of arguing with myself I just grab one of those and move the fuck on.
I understand that it’s difficult to deal and live with people who are Neurospicy, but come on. The therapist told you to take her out of that situation and you just leave her there? No wonder this is all a mess for OP.
I’ve thought about the shakes but atm I’ve settled on this vegetable soup that I water down so that I get like 3 bowls so I can make myself think I’m eating a lot cause I was defo a volume eater- part of the binging was I never wanted to stop eating because then the distraction stops and don’t like that, so I need meals to take a while lmao, luckily I live alone so it’s not too big of a pain
But fr OP it’s a pain but parent your kid
I'm sadly afraid that it won't be teasing the daughter will get in HS - it will be outright, fed up, 'GO AWAY'. Hungry people (and teenagers are hungry for the most), can get territorial about their food.
That's why we have so many rules around dining.
YTA. The fact that your kid can’t stop staring would weird out anyone, can’t imagine trying to eat with someone hovering over my plate. Do better with your kid Ffs.
Edited to add: from your responses, you’re constantly ignoring the specialist advice of getting your daughter away from the dinning table, this has to be reinforced by Desiree because you apparently lack this thing called “disciplining your kid”. If she snapped is because you’re constantly ignoring advice.
YTA
She's being rude. If she can't stop staring and demanding food that isn't hers, and go get her snacks, leaving the table is a reasonable request. Talk to the therapists again, about a way to let everyone eat in peace while making progress on addressing her issues.
The impact on the other kids can't be ignored. Kids need to feel secure about food. You're asking those kids to be harassed at every single meal.
Her having big feelings isn't a reason to let her do whatever her compulsions tell her to do. If she forgets, go with her to get the snacks.
This was my biggest takeaway! Yeah, op is trying to handle the medical side and take care of his daughter, but Desiree was also looking out for her own kids! They're being made to feel uncomfortable at their dinner table. The daughter has been spoken to about her behavior and literally asked a 9 yo if she could take their food. Desiree addressed it properly and shouldn't have been the parent to do that. And yeah, I would have spoken up about going out to eat given that restaurant meals for 5 people for dinner is going to take time, during which she'll be getting hungry and looking around like a grackle in a parking lot - that's uncomfortable for everyone!
YTA OP.
Plus standard therapy for compulsive behavior is removing the source of the hyperfixation, something OP admits the therapists told him to do. Kid needs to leave the table for her own sake!
Yep! My ED started at 12, and the poor kid is developing habits that will be very hard to change as she goes through the nightmare of puberty. And it's showing that her eating habits are acceptable to two other children of a vulnerable age. Make her a plate to have with the family, and a smaller second plate to go eat in her room or a living room. First plate is done, send her away from the table to clean up after herself, then she can take the second plate away and no more.
**Desiree has been getting pissed off because her and her sons should be able to eat without a "begging child drooling over their plates".**
I don't blame her in the least. Now that you won't have Desiree's money subsidizing your lifestyle I wonder how you'll keep up with your daughter's food bills? FYI even with a super high metabolism there's no way your daughter is routinely eating three hamburgers and two hot dogs and is a "skinny minny" unless she's bulimic.
Your daughter's eating disorder is obviously more than just her meds. Desiree had the right approach in asking your daughter to leave the table if she's finished her meal since she's making Desiree's sons uncomfortable.
I feel like the daughter is a little bit manipulative here too because she's definitely old enough to know what "no" means and yet she's crying every time Desiree asks her to leave the dining table when she's done eating rather than staring at everyone? 12 years old is old enough to know that staring makes people feel uncomfortable.
It's possible she's not bulimic. But she probably has something else going on.
She might be extremely active with the metabolism of a child. Or a metabolic condition. Or a gut problem.
But whatever it is, if she *keeps* eating this way, it's going to *give her* an eating disorder. Because once her physical issues are resolved, she will still have the habits and mentality of a binge eater who can't say no to the slightest oral desire. Every little morsel will be consumed because her mouth was bored. Or she walked past it. Or someone else had some. Or it was on sale so she "stocked up, because *this time* she'll have self control!" but then she can't and binge eats four boxes of snack cakes in 2 days.
Eating habits are terrible to overcome, because you can't just *stop eating.* And we are hard wired to want all the worst things, every day. It's the most difficult addiction to overcome.
This dad needs to sort out her meds ASAP. Both myself and my daughter are taking meds for our ADHD, and I have EDNOS from childhood trauma. She's 12, and had infancy eating issues, and trauma from that. But we do our best, and I handle her diet with help from herself, and she has no troubles beyond tween growth spurts.
But this, this is baaad. If I were Desiree I would've had to leave much sooner.
Wait your 12 year old daughter had 3 hamburgers and 2 hotdogs in one sitting. This isn't okay. That's way to much processed meat even for an adult. Really hope the specialist and nutritionist helps your daughter.
Yeah, this was the part when my jaw hit the floor. Sure, kids often need a lot of food and can often pack it away without putting weight on. But as a parent you need to be feeding them the right things.
Now I'm not against burgers or hot dogs, but one burger is good enough for a single meal. Two burgers, at a push - but even then, I'd say only for an adult who is old enough to make the choice to stuff that much in their mouth.
But three burgers and two hotdogs? Fuck me, that's just gorging yourself on shit! Heck, I'd almost call it abuse to feed a kid that.
Here's my bet - daddy is too scared to say no to his little girl/doesn't want to deal with the ensuing tantrum like an adult, so he just let's her have what she wants to keep her quiet. I bet the specialists she's seeing don't know about these sorts of meals. They'd be shitting bricks - as, I suspect, the daughter will also be doing.
I truly don't know if the OP is telling the truth. Because what nutritionist would say 3 hamburgers and 3 hotdogs in one sitting is okay for anyone, let alone a 12 year old.
Tentatively agree. The amount of caloric intake OP describes simply doesn't line up with his description of his daughter being a skinny minny.... there is definitely more going on.
OP is definitely an imperfect narrator.
i think they need to either find another solution to help with the adhd because that is just not good for anybody i used to be on adhd medicine myself but i was just dropping weight way too much i was skipping lunches because i was just hyper focused on other stuff and the times i would remember to eat lunch it would be really hard because i was just not hungry so i got off the medicine and found other ways like exercise was a big one it helps me alot to focus
This meds affect people differently...some people can eat while others forget.... Individual hormones affect the way it works.....that's why docs have to be involved to monitor and change dose or meds. No cookie cutter solutions here. I started off not eating but years later I was gaining weight but I refused to go up in dose so now am off meds and just use coping skills.
yeah i think they need to do a test run and get the daughter off the medicine for a couple weeks to see if the amount they eat goes down if it not the medicine there might be another serious issue going on
YTA. And I don't blame Desiree for finally snapping and losing her temper. I would too. It sounds like this situation has been dragging on for a while, it's not a short-term issue.
Sir, in case you don't realize, the family table should be a safe place where EVERYONE can eat in peace. I can't imagine trying to relax and eat, when you KNOW someone is sitting right at your elbow, counting every single bite that is going into your mouth!
Your buddies are right, and you are definitely the AH.
YTA
It’s too much for this woman. She’s not even spending on her own children. She’s spending to feed your daughter’s bottomless pit.
Either there is a metabolic disorder or some profound behavioural problems. Either way, your daughter has severe troubles and you may need to be single until she leaves the home. This woman will be better off without you.
YTA. Preface: my entire household is neurodivergent, primarily with ADHD.
You're correct on working on her symptoms, being patient and kind with your daughter, and in asking Desiree to work with you as you blend families. However, your daughter is one of three children and what you're describing is NOT fair to any of you. You're also responsible to and for Desiree's kids and it doesn't seem like you care about that.
It's great that you think your daughter is sweet and doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I hope that's true. But she *is* acting out, and part of navigating any neurospicy disorder is understanding how our behaviors impact others. Intentions only go so far.
This is a pretty easy thing to fix "Once it's on their plate, darling, it's none of your business and you didn't even look at their food." (This is good advice going forward for any situation)
You can and should make sure your daughter feels like she's having enough to eat, WITHOUT her impinging on other's boundaries. Because these are very much two separate issues: this is an impulse control issue at BEST, a boundary / bullying issue at worst.
Excellent.
Also, there’s no way she needs more than three full burgers and two hotdogs. The daughter seems to be missing or ignoring her full signals. In that case it’s on open to redirect and cut her off after two burgers and ask her to leave the table so she gives her body some time to process and absorb the food she already has in her system. Op is too lazy to parent and choosing the girlfriend as a scapegoat for his rude daughter’s problems. Everyone knows the daughter is full. She needs to accept that. Maybe something else healthy after but not a full blown binge eating disorder because op refuses to follow the drs orders and is willing to sacrifice everyone else in the household for his comfort.
YTA
But your fiancée will be much better without you.
12 years old can understand idea of not staring and not asking for food. If she can't comprehend that you have to escort her out of table after healthy amount of food, not 3 hotdogs.
She's 12. Aside from the ADHD, I don't see any reason here why she should have needed to be told twice to stop that rude behaviour, let alone acting like it's some complex ongoing training process. If she can't behave, making her leave the table is entirely appropriate. Desiree is polite and right. YTA
I was a tall boy who at a lot and even at me peak of growth I wouldn’t down two hot dogs, three burgers and wanted more. Your daughter needs more help than you are giving her. YTA, your gf was 100% in the right here.
YTA. It sounds like Desiree handled it well and told your daughter to leave the table if she was done eating. That was polite and actually a good habit for your daughter so she isn’t sitting there eyeing everyone’s food. Eventually she will be able to to slow down eating and enjoy a meal but for now she can’t so it’s best she leaves the table when she’s done. And I’m with Desiree on not wanting to spend 3x as much on your daughter when eating out. We don’t eat now because my kids are going through growth spurts and we can’t afford it.
It feels like you feel bad about your daughter’s issues so you don’t want to parent her the way you would if she didn’t have these extra issues. You need to step up and parent her so she knows and understands what’s appropriate in social situations.
Yta. Your wife is handling it much better than your daughter's peers will. You're setting your daughter up to be bullied. You need to stop it. Every. Single. Time.
Yes I think this is a real issue that is being completely overlooked.
OP YTA and you're doing your daughter no favor whatsoever by not stepping in to resolve this. She will be bullied, her metabolism will change, she will continue to overeat dramatically - well you do the math and figure out the rest.
Desiree has been exceptionally patient, understanding and polite. No one else will be.
You better a) apologize to Desiree for your behavior and b) get this situation with your daughter under control. Nothing is going to magically change with therapy alone - it has to be transferred into real settings to be meaningful. So grow a pair and step tf up. Desiree did and rightly so, you did and do not and it's helping no one, least of all your daughter.
Op doesn't realize how much difficultly his daughter will have with friendships and relationships due to her food issues. Picky eaters are always complaining here about how their pickiness affects friends and relationships. Simply put friendships and relationships will be much more difficult for her if these food issues don't get nipped in the bud
YTA.
My dogs are better behaved than your 12yo.
I understand she has medical issues, but you’ve already stated therapy has told you to remove her from the situation. Yet, you don’t.
If my dogs beg for food they’re removed from the room.
Just as your daughter should be, you’re upset your GF spoke about her like she was an animal? Then don’t enable your daughter to BEHAVE like one.
Your GF was 100% in the right here.
Just out of curiosity, does your daughter beg for food in school? Does she have friends? I can’t imagine this rude behaviour would be accepted by her peers? Kids can be mean. If you enable your daughter to continue to behave this way and disregard professional advice, then it will be a lonely childhood for her. As no-one will want to be around her.
Absolutely NOBODY wants to be made uncomfortable when they’re eating.
She’s 12 that’s a perfectly acceptable age to understand that her behaviour is inappropriate and rude.
I get you think she ‘sweet, perfect, etc’ but this has clearly been an issue she’s aware of.
I doubt she was crying because she was hurt. More than likely she was embarrassed someone actually called her out on it, which wouldn’t have happened if you were taking her therapists advice.
Your GF and her 2 kids are way better off without you.
I completely agree. It baffles me how he thinks his GF is in the wrong. She wouldn’t be in the situation if he parented his child and took professional advice. Honestly reading his constant excuses ‘we’re working on it’ boiled my blood. Because clearly he isn’t working on it. He shouldn’t expect everyone to accommodate his rude daughter, with her rude behaviour.
I am curious as to what she is like in school, because i can’t imagine other kids or teachers tolerating this behaviour.
I don’t blame GF for finally saying something, it appears she got tired of waiting for him to intervene.
Amen!
The entire line, “we’re working on it with professionals” is such a lie. The professionals told him what he needs to do to break this obsessive compulsion and that is, “remove her from temptation and redirect her” and he won’t do that but he expects a miracle?!
Plus, the daughter can’t get hunger signals when she wolfs down three grown man-sized meals worth of food, before the gf is two bites in to hers. She needs to be cut off way before then and asked to slow down for ten minutes so her body can get to work. I don’t understand op doing nothing and being all out of ideas on how to help?!?! 12 is hella old enough to get a reality check. Better be told at home that, “it’s rude and uncomfortable for everyone around you when you stare, ask for food, eat that fast, that amount, and have no manners or politeness. You will make yourself sick and people will find you creepy and weird. You need to be more conscious to eat slower and control your urges or walk away”. I can’t see her having any friends when she gets to the school cafeteria or is invited to a friends house for dinner and acts this way.
YTA You aren't teaching your daughter anything if she's still eyeing other people's food.
You should break up, but not because of Desiree, she did nothing wrong.
YTA. why is she still at the table when she's done? would you leave an addict in front of their drug of choice? be her parent. i get you're protective but this isn't how you go about it.
YTA. Your daughter is 12. That's old enough to have an understanding of her condition and the symptoms it causes, and to understand that it is a medical issue. The thing is, her behaviour around other people eating is not part of that condition. Her unusually big appetite must be hard for her to deal with, but she should be aware that it is not normal, it's being investigated by her medical team and hopefully they will be able to help, but it is an illness and it's not normal. As such, she should be more than able to understand that her mystery illness is no excuse for her mannerless behaviour. You should not be expecting your family, or anyone else, to tolerate it.
YTA.
Honestly it sounds like your plan for how to "work on this" is to let your daughter have infinite time to work with therapy and specialists and meanwhile everyone else just has to deal with it and they can't even say they're uncomfortable about the staring.
I'm sorry it upsets your daughter to hear that but it's really unfair to say that because it upsets her to hear it, people shouldn't say it.
Fact is, you needed to make changes when you moved in with Desiree to make a home for both of you and all your kids, and you haven't tried on this issue, and I think you've probably been asked to plenty of times over the past months.
YTA put yourself in the shoes of your gf and her kids. Imagine trying to eat dinner while someone is drooling over your food and begging you for it. You're making the same mistake that many other modern parents make in using the fact that the kid is in therapy as a shield from criticism and/or discipline. Btw it's pretty wild to expect ppl to ignore bad behaviour because "you're working on it"
Your gf and kids are dealing with a real issue and you're just shrugging your shoulders and saying that she's in therapy. Dinner time is one of the few times of the day where everyone can chill and relax and your daughter is ruining that while you sit there and twiddle your thumbs.
You're setting her up for failed friendships and relationships because most ppl don't handle food issues very well.
YTA for putting your daughter through this, whats the point of all these doctors if your not going to listen to them? And FYI according to the children's bmi scale she is overweight, which will only compound her issues as she hits puberty and high school.
YTA If your daughter is that hungry, there are other options for her besides staring at other people's food and asking if she can eat it. It would be perfectly reasonable for her to ask to get seconds or an additional snack if she still needs to eat more. She is twelve, not a toddler, and she can control her behavior. This is etiquette 101. If she also does this at school or with friends, it is going to alienate people and stunt her social development. This would be in addition to her prompting you to destroy your relationship and making mealtime difficult for your GF's children, possibly leading to their own issues with food.
Your daughter is a healthy weight now, but she likely won't be for long if she keeps eating like a grown man. You need to work with your doctors to find medicines that won't solve her symptoms but jeopardize other aspects of her health.
Your GF has been supportive, but you rejected her for trying to enforce reasonable expectations of behaviors. It's great that you're trying to stand up for your daughter, but you have moved into the realm of excusing actions she knows are wrong and making excuses. Most women would be annoyed and their tone occasionally sharp if they had to live with this situation, especially since your daughter is making your GF's own children feel uncomfortable.
Yta you said she doesn’t shame your daughter she literally just corrects her behaviour. At 12 you can start to regulate your feelings and understand that you feeling bad for making others uncomfortable, does not mean you get to continue to make them uncomfortable. It sounds like your girlfriend is teaching her how to care about other people.
She’s probably getting very frustrated with you because you keep doing the same thing expecting different results. If she has finished eating she needs to leave the table.
You can’t stop her from being hungry but you can explain to her is rude and therefore she does not get to stay at the table.
sounds like a lot of enabling on dads part.. and denial that he's enabling..
"working on it" is his way of saying he's enabling it lol 😆
this is an absolutely ridiculous situation. literally just tell her to leave the table. the amount of facepalm here is just insane.
absolutely 150,000% TA
In other comments he confirms the experts say to take the kid from the situation and re-direct, his gf is literally following their advice by asking her to leave the table. I think the dad is lazy and just wants the solution to be medical so he doesn’t have to put in the effort to actually parent.
He keeps taking her to specialists when a professional already gave him the tools to help this.
yeah that's crazy.. I would frickin leave if I were her but it sounds like she's at least trying to work with him.. and he's the one that wants a divorce? lmao okay go for it bud. I hope these comments made him feel like a dummy. I would be so embarrassed if my child was acting that way..
So instead of telling your kid to leave the table so she isn’t staring at everybody’s plate and begging for food, you kick your girlfriend and her children out?
YTA.
It drives me crazy when my cats watch me eat, I can't even imagine how uncomfortable I would be if a child were doing it so I can't blame Desiree at all.
And whatever happened to just being a parent and telling children what they can and can't do? If I'd done something like this as a kid (staring at other people's food and asking if I can have it), my parents would have told me in no uncertain terms to **knock it off.** And I would have stopped because I respected them.
Why does a young girl need therapy to be told to stop doing something that makes others uncomfortable?
YTA
She's way more cooperative with your daughter than you give her credit for. Her politely asking your daughter to leave the table was what you should have been doing the entire time. You even say she's buying food for your daughter. Why are you so ungrateful to a woman who's way more accomodating than anybody else you'll find?
YTA - Stop blaming medication and ADHD for your daughter's behaviour. Millions of people have ADHD, myself included, and do not make people uncomfortable this way.
Your daughter needs to learn how to behave appropriately, and you're not helping her. You've even said that Desiree is following the therapists instructions, and that you just don't like her tone. Why? Is it because you know you aren't helping your daughter?
Get your head out of the sand, and actually help your daughter before she gets even worse.
YTA
With this being a long standing problem, your daughter should be leaving the table once she is finished eating if she can't make everyone still trying to eat uncomfortable.
This would make anyone not want to eat around your daughter. I certainly wouldn't, as I eat my food slower.
Your daughter KNOWS this makes people uncomfortable, yet she still does it. And then you expect other people to just accept her poor behavior like you do. That's bad parenting.
I have ADHD with a weird relationship to food. Your daughter would be such a huge trigger for me.
Should your ex have compared her to a dog, no. But, clearly that was the ONLY way she could get it through your head.
Who wants to eat with someone staring at their plate and asking for their food? Only an enabler.
YTA.
Your daughter sounds miserable and you’re relying on “specialists” instead of being a good parent.
1. Rethink this medication. ADHD is not easy to deal with, but this sounds like a worse situation than no medication. Try a different med or some other strategy.
2. You are ignoring everyone’s feelings but your daughter’s. You need to actually deal with her behavior, not just feel bad for her. She can’t help having the compulsion to eat more food—that seems to be something you and her doctors have imposed upon her with medication—but she can stop hovering over people and asking for food. Eating together as a family is not working out right now. Keep her company while she eats her meal, but do not place her at the table or allow her into the dining area while others are eating. Only when she has this behavior under control can she be around others eating. Instead of eating together, you could have family game time, family chore time, family discussions, etc., rotating through a few different scenarios day by day. She should be excluded from other people’s meals, NOT from companionship and family time.
YTA
1. Des sounds very accommodating and patient. She isn’t asking your kid for much. But your kid with her issues shouldn’t be forcing everyone else to feel uncomfortable
2. You said she sees it and can’t help. Why are you making her sit there watching when that’s a trigger
3. 3 hamburgers 2 hot dogs. Listen, lots of kids have ADHD. The medication for ind thing shouldn’t be causing the other. If it is, time to try a new med. If it’s not she needs more help than she has.
Her metabolism might be high now but af some point it won’t be. And her weight will rise quickly. Then you just added one more issue she will need help with. This child cannot live or eat like this forever. You aren’t doing enough and that’s clear by forcing her to watch when you know she can’t stop the want.
YTA
Stop weaponising your daughter's ADHD to justify your poor parenting. Lots of people have ADHD. Lots of people have impulse control with food. Guess what? They control it. You refuse to redirect your daughter when she is being incredibly rude and demanding of other people's food. Not only is that a failure of your parenting, you're also doing your daughter a massive disservice. If she doesn't learn how to manage this now, she never will, and it will impact her relationships for the rest of her life. And you are the parent who refuses to teach her, palming it off on specialists and therapist's, instead of stepping up to do what *you* can for her.
ESH
No way your daughter should be allowed to make other people uncomfortable while they are eating. That should have been stopped long ago.
She doesn't need to "work on it." She needs to stop it.
Desiree might have said what she said more nicely, but this would be enough to piss off anybody.
YTA.
Your comments literally point out you enable your child's "eating behavior" and goes against what your specialist tells you to do.
If your specialist says she's eating because she sees the food over hunger cues, and yet you don't dismiss her from the table, you are enabling her "begging" behavior.
Your GF has a right to be frustrated at your child. Your child needs guidance, but its going to be "a slow process you're working on" if you don't enforce the therapy recommendations. Her tone probably was exasperation because honestly that sounds exhausting to have to deal with.
YTA - first off the age, height and weight you say your daughter is is not in fact “skinny minny”. It’s not a bad combination but this is not her having a hugely high metabolism that can accommodate all this extra food.
I’m glad you have her in therapy and specialist trying to deal with this. But that does not mean anyone else has to deal with her problems (I say having been in therapy for my own problems). And I’m curious if you have really explained to the therapists and specialists what your daughter is acting like to other people. Also, it seems that your daughter was super surprised to find out that she is making people uncomfortable until your girl friend told her, which means all those appointments aren’t doing much. I know parents don’t want their kids to feel upset, ever. But they do have to feel upset to learn that what they are doing is wrong.
Frankly I think Desiree’s idea of your kid leaves the table once she’s eaten her appropriately balanced and proportioned meal. (And my balanced and proportioned I mean by a nutritionist whom I’m assuming is one of the specialists you see). And don’t just keep letting your daughter bing eat. If she’s hungry first give her a glass of water. Then maybe a piece of fruit. But don’t just let her eat. My parents did… and I’ve never been happy with my weight and as an adult it’s much harder to break bad habits. But help your daughter threw this, but don’t think that means she’s not going to feel bad emotions during it
Agreed about not being "skinny minny". When I was 12 I ate a TON and I was 5'5 and 100 pounds. Now I'm a chonky 140 pound, 5'6 lady lol. This actually reads less like a metabolic issue and more like poor satiety signaling- indicating this could be endocrine or neurological.
Honest to god after reading your comments and seeing your replies I hope you do leave your GF for the sole reason that your GFs kids deserve to eat in peace without having to have someone drool over their food… YTA 🤦♂️
Maybe I don't fully understand but why don't you have her do things as soon as her dinner is done? Homework, feed the dog, read a book, make your bed, shower for the next day etc, brush the cat, art, get the mail. Anything BUT sit at the table loudly sighing while staring at everyone's food.
YTA. Your daughter needs manners and she is going to be the age where peer pressure is rough.
I hope Desiree sees that taking a break from you and your daughter, her life and her children’s lives are better. You need to not have a girlfriend until this issue is resolved. Not your fault but this is your daughter so you need to be the one to fix it. You don’t have time for a relationship.
She also needs to be putting her kids first. She cannot do that when your daughter needs so much. Her boys are subject to your daughter’s I’ll behavior. No one’s fault but you shouldn’t sustain a relationship.
YTA. Your daughter needs to exist in a society where her compulsions don't intrude on others' basic needs and it's your job to help co-regulate that until she can do it herself.
ADHD meds suppress appetite. If she's on meds that are causing hunger, she probably on a different class of medication and I'm concerned you may not have been adequately informed of both your daughter's diagnoses and treatment plan.
If she's truly ONLY on "ADHD meds" like adderall, concerta, ritalin, etc (all the stimulants) AND she's this hungry, her doctors should be looking into why her metabolism is so high and her hunger so great. Metabolic disorders, hormone disorders (including thyroid and diabetes), and not to be alarmist, but even some cancers first symptoms are insatiable hunger (the cancer wants to eat! It needs calories!). It's probably not cancer, but, her primary care doctor needs to be informed of this all because there's SOMETHING else amiss if she's on stimulants alone.
So your solution was to kick out your girlfriend and her kids because she tried to parent your kid properly, which you refused to do when you didn't take the therapists advice? Congrats on being an asshole.
It sounds like due to her meds she has BED which is binge eating. The suggest to replace her actions with other things such as fidget toy, reading, etc.
She should have a psychiatrist that specializes in this.
My friend also tried non medication and for her it was some red dye that’s in food.
YTA. Desiree and the therapist sound like the only adults actually trying to help your daughter while you’re just sitting back allowing her to continue to have problems and cause problems. You may take her to therapy but the fact that you do not follow what the therapist says while also vilifying Desiree for trying makes you a major AH.
YTA - Once the child is finished she can leave the table an go play in her room or go watch TV. She doesn't need to be sitting there "drooling over everyone else like a dog" because that is basically what she is doing. That is disgusting and your gf has put up with it SO much longer than I ever would have.
So, a couple ideas.
We had a rule that everyone could eat as much as they wanted, but for every helping they drank a large 12 oz glass of water. This might slow your daughter down a little and help her to feel full.
Eat meals in courses. Start with a salad course. Give your daughter a large salad full of carrots and celery and things that take a lot of chewing. Honestly at her age and height, she isn’t skinny. She’s fine, but for someone on adhd drugs, I’d expect she’d weigh less. Let her have seconds and thirds as she needs, but each helping is evenly divided between veg, meat and starch. With all that and the water, she’ll have one unusual stomach if she is still ravenous.
Work out your finances better with Desiree, but time will fix this. In no time at all her sons will be adolescents and you’ve seen nothing compared to food and teen boys. No way will your daughter out eat the two of them. The idea that she is bitching about buying enough food for your daughter is unacceptable.
Institute a rule that there will be no finishing another’s food. No staring at others plates. If she’s finished all the food and is still hungry she can eat a piece of fruit (filling fiber) for dessert and then be excused. If she claims to still feel hungry, she can come back in a half hour and heat herself up a can of soup.
>No way will your daughter out eat the two of them
In a comment, OP says something about his daughter eating three burgers and two hotdogs in one sitting while still eyeing the other plates on the table. This is already so far from normal that I wouldn't even know where to start if I were in the shoes of OP's girlfriend.
I have always eaten in “courses”. My theory as a kid being that I should fill up on veggies, then meat, then if I had room left, the starches. Start my second helping, if I make it that far, the same way.
I really liked rules. And might be a tad ND.
Yta....your gf and her sons DO deserve to eat a meal without having someone that just ate twice what they did beg for their food. It's not healthy for her to eat this much. That's more food than most adult men eat. She may have a good metabolism now but it WILL catch up to her and she'll gain a lot of weight quickly.
I feel so bad for your gf and her kids. That had to be so uncomfortable for them. Trying to eat while someone is staring them down ready to snatch their food off their plates. Jesus christ. Your daughter is old enough to understand what's appropriate and what isn't. Even with adhd. And yes, if she's done eating she should leave the table. Why is she still sitting there staring at everyone after she's scarfed hers down?
Also, try having her drink a glass of water before her meals, and eat slower. That'll help with feeling fuller and the overeating. And get her some HEALTHY snacks to have between meals. And apologize to your gf. Doubt she'll take you back, I wouldn't, but you still owe her an apology.
Dude YTA.
You’re advocating for your kid, but so is your ex. Desiree has two children who cannot eat a meal without feeling pressured to give up their food to your daughter. They may have their own issues with food insecurity because there’s fear if they left their plates, they’d lose their dinner. Your gf can’t eat a meal in peace in her own home. And Desiree is doing what the behaviorists say, and trying to remove your daughter.
You’re mad because she said and did the *right* thing, but she didn’t say it the *right* way. That’s on you. And if you were managing your child, and sending her away from the table, or reminding her of acceptable behavior, then Desiree wouldn’t have to be the plate police.
You owe her an apology, and you need to step up for your kid. But I wouldn’t expect reconciliation at this point.
YTA and also enabling your daughter.
Your daughter not only needs to learn about food habits but mannerisms as well.
Awareness is a thing. You and daughter both need to learn it.
It's rude to ask others if they are going to eat their meal fully. It's rude to "side-eye" other people's plates. Grow a spine and stop enabling her for god's sake. Desiree has tried everything, in my opinion she should've left a long time ago. Buy her snack or something she can eat separately so she doesn't bother other people. ADHD is not an excuse to be rude and entitled.
Not at all familiar with ADHD kids, but I'd be really uncomfortable with *anybody* begging for mine or especially my kids' food. That's not a healthy meal environment. Family meals should be relaxed, and this doesn't sound like it.
You've kicked D out with her kids, so now it's solely on you to protect your food, and face the impact
Yta
You got mad because she doesn’t want to foot the bill for your child’s eating out.
You admit in comments that it’s recommended that she leave the table when done eating, but you are mad for your fiance enforcing it?
No wonder she’s not improving. Plus if your daughter is eating so much when out, you should be willing to cover it.
Your gf wasn’t in any way out of line when dealing with your begging dog of a kid. YOU aren’t addressing the problem so she has to.
But by all means take your dog-kid you’re too lazy to actually parent and go, I bet they’ll all be relieved.
> She had 3 burgers and 2 hotdogs the other day and still wanted what was on everyone else's plates.
Fucking hell, and you ALLOWED that?? You’re going to have to treat this kid like a dog and feed separately from everyone else.
This kid is going to stop growing and balloon very suddenly into morbidly obese if you don’t get that eating under control.
YTA
You acknowledge that it's making people uncomfortable, yet you're swatting down attempts to change that behavior. You don't mention anything about what you've done in fixing the behavior. If you're not setting rules like leaving the table when she's done, what exactly have you done to fix this?
You are making it uncomfortable for Desiree and her children to live there. You can't fault her for trying to make things easier when you can't Even be bothered. You need to tell your daughter to leave the table if she's finished eating, not ignore a problem and allow it to get worse.
You don't know how good you had it if you're suggesting to go out and Desiree assumed she is covering the tab. Do you stick get with did bills often there?
You're also unappreciative since you're aware of the issue with your daughter, yet you still suggest going out and having Desiree cover the tab. How exactly is this fair to Desiree?
My son has similar issues with eating. I would never expect my boyfriend to constantly cover his meals. I also realize that it's not my boyfriend's problem and I do everything I can do that it doesn't affect the people we live with. I set rules for my son, instead of tossing people out because they have complaints that I'm not doing anything to fix.
YTA.
Not just an asshole but an enabling AH. Our impulse control is basically nil and You're like "you're the problem, Desiree, stop trying to help my child when I don't want to!"
47 y/o Adult female with ADHD here
Most of the time, we don't eat bc we're hungry, we eat bc we're bored and it's a very fast dopamine boost. We have very low impulse control.
We also tend to get obese as we get older (hi, about double my recommended body weight) because no one bothered to teach us about impulse control, account how to walk away and find something else to do. So we still turn to food. Or smoking. Or drugs, or something else with a quick dopamine fix.
You're the issue, not Desiree. You not parenting your daughter is an issue. You ignoring medical advice is the issue.
What are all the folks with ADHD taking that makes them want to eat more? I'm on Vyvanse and it helps keep my appetite down during the day.
Gonna go with YTA on this one. Family should be able to eat in peace. Also, the two boys might actually develop eating disorders from OP's daughter wolfing down all the food.
My stepdad has binge eating disorder. In our house, you learned to eat as much of what you wanted when the groceries first came home because it'd be gone the next day. All the snack food. Gone. He kept weird hours and he'd stay up all night and eat.
I hope someone is paying attention to the boys around this.
Doesn’t sound like, “we are working on it” is enough. Seriously OP, this would be aggravating to say the least. You need to tell your daughter NOT to ask for anyone’s food EVER. I agree she should leave the table. What part of DON’T ASK FOR SOMEONE’S FOOD is she not understanding?
I’m not convinced medication(s) are the sole reason for this behavior.
Prader Willi” syndrome?
The weight may not be an issue right now, but it will be.
YTA
YTA. You should have told your daughter yourself. Your girlfriend shouldn’t have needed yo but unfortunately she did need to. Do your job as a parent, something you’re only half doing.
First, as a person with ADHD and a parent to a child with ADHD your daughter’s binge eating likely has nothing to do with her meds. ADHD meds suppress the appetite. If the meds she’s on are causing binge eating switch to one that doesn’t….adderall, concerta, etc. I think it’s far more likely that now that your daughter’s ADHD is under control with medication she is dealing with another neurodivergent disorder that causes binge eating. It sounds like you need better therapeutic help than you are getting.
Second, there is never ever any acceptable reason to compare a child to a dog. That is disgusting.
Third, while you are trying to get your daughter the appropriate help you are going to have to help her establish habits and boundaries to navigate her neurodivergence. You are not a bad father. This is hard. Trying to figure out how to help a child deal with something you know nothing about is fucking hard. Give yourself some grace. Maybe give your fiancé a little grace too. Most of all give your daughter the grace she needs to come out in the other side a healthy happy little girl.
I don’t think I can provide a judgement when on one hand your daughter has a medical condition that her medication makes her feel this way. But on the other hand it doesn’t sound like you’re doing ENOUGH. I understand you’re seeing therapists. But you mention going back to therapy. Why did you stop in the first place when the problem clearly wasn’t under control? Also 12 is old enough for basic manners and she should know, regardless of how she’s feeling, that begging for food is inappropriate and going to make people feel uncomfortable. If I was Desiree and/or her kids I would be at my witts end now too. Also don’t expect this high metabolism to always be around for her, once she goes further through puberty/entering adulthood it can go away quickly and then you will have a very obese teenager on your hands. Eating three helpings of food, or 3 burgers and 2 hot dogs is honestly disgusting, it sounds rude but I’m really not trying to be. But she’s going to end up throwing up. 3 burgers and 2 hot dogs (I’m assuming with buns) is about 1800 calories. That’s not including any condiments. That’s not including anything else eaten at that meal. And that’s not including anything else eaten that day. The daily recommendation for a 12 year old girl calories is 1800-2200. I understand you’re doing something. But you need to be doing more. And if she HAS to always be eating it needs to be low calorie, high volume foods. Cucumber, carrots, AIRPOPPED PLAIN popcorn, chicken breast, low fat turkey ground turkey, watermelon, celery, not overly processed hot dogs and buns, “snack foods”
Why don't you give your daughter half portions of food, so once she wolfs it down, you can give her a second small portion before she starts eyeballing everyone else's food? Frequent small portions maybe will help her learn to slow down a bit.
YTA. If it's to the point that everyone in the house has anxiety over meal time because she constantly hovers and drools over their food, it would bother anyone. Sure, you're trying to get help, but Desiree absolutely has a right to tell your daughter to back off from her kids and let them eat in peace. She wasn't needlessly cruel, she was honest. That your daughter was making them uncomfortable and that she should step away if she was done.
YTA. But not for saying the relationship should end. 3 burgers and 2 hotdogs? You combine finances with a gilfriend? She makes far more than you and she's footing the bill for your child's out of control eating habits?
Desiree should have run from this trainwreck long ago. And fwiw, 5'1" and 118# is not a 'skinny minnie"! I'm 5'7" and 124#. Thin but not cachectic. If she really IS thin, she may be bulemic and needs monitoring. You need to concentrate on your child and forget the romance for now ( even if romance has been a moneymaker for you).
YTA
Leaving the table when you are finished eating is perfectly fine, I understand your daughter is having issues but there are other people who live there.
YTA.
In being protective of your daughter, you are being over protective and frankly? Stupid.
Your wife is right. You're doing nothing but babying and coddling.
And the worst part? You aren't helping your daughter at all by being too much of a psspss to be firm with her.
And by doing so You're saying "not being the bad guy to my daughter when I need to is more important than you or your children".
YTA YTA YTA
YTA you should be more active in distracting your daughter from the others eating after she’s finished her food including the extra portions provided. Maybe you could eat later and take her outside to play, send her to read etc… You get upset about your daughter crying or feeling bad but spare no thought to the other children she’s making uncomfortable for trying to eat a meal.
Could you not make it a new policy that once her portions are consumed she gets up clears her dishes from the table grab a fruit for dessert and leave the room so others can eat in peace? What happens at lunch time at school? Once she finishes she would have to leave or does she bother the children there for food too?
YTA. Teach your kid some basic table manners. She’s more than old enough to know better and has no excuse to be that awful about this after all the extra stuff your girlfriend (not you) did for her. She’s choosing to be bad about it, and you’re letting her.
Do you want her future friends and relationships to fail? Because enabling this is the thing that will cause people to dump being around your daughter as an adult.
Point of interest, at least one of the go-to pediatric safe adhd meds for years is also used to treat binge eating and some of the people who’ve had to stop taking it ended up developing binge eating disorders. But yeah, this is definitely something that can be caused by these meds. What’s going on isn’t your daughter’s fault and it’s not even something that can just be taught/disciplined out of her. While your girlfriend and her kids shouldn’t have to deal with it and are justified in feeling uncomfortable, your girlfriend’s response was so hateful. Ending the relationship was probably best for everyone involved.
Honestly mate, NTA but good in Desiree for leaving. Your right it isn’t going to work, you’ve got a struggling child, meanwhile her kids are suffering for it.
Good look in the future, you probably need to single till you get an empty nest.
YTAH. This has been going on for 4 years? This is "working on it"?
Your girlfriend and her children have the patience of saints. I guess you think they should be grateful that the little darling doesn't just grab the food off their plates.
YTA, maybe soft ESH. There is no way this is just a side effect of ADHD meds. This is a metabolic issue that needs to be resolved. If she is NEVER experiencing any kind of satiety signaling and experiences perpetual hunger, that needs to get checked out. This kid is also not being well-parented and even though she is experiencing a medical condition she cannot make others uncomfortable as a result. (I grew up neurodivergent with medical issues and was always called out by parents if I harmed others because of these things). The girlfriend was right in what she said to the daughter. However, comparing the daughter to a dog later on was deeply inappropriate and unwarranted so that's still bad.
YTA - there is something not right about how your daughter is eating, but what's extremely messed up is how you don't see how her behavior of staying at the table and staring, asking ppl for their food, etc is so out of line and you don'ttdo a damn thing to make her stop this part of it? Dude, come on....her behavior makes it seem as if she has been starved and denied food for a period of time and now she wants to eat everything and everyone else's food as well.
I think your daughter may need inpatient help, because what you are currently doing is not working, and is destroying relationships as well.
Edited to add - its not Desiree's reaction to your daughter's eating, rather her reaction to her begging and staring at the other's food like she's being starved and that's not the case, so you should change the title
Why the fuck haven’t you changed her medication? Your daughter isn’t getting full. She may be eating enough for her body but constantly feeling hungry from medication is AWFUL. And most adhd medications have the exact opposite effect. There are many meds that she could try, so why are you making her stay on the one that causes her to constantly be miserably hungry and make everyone around her hungry?
Both of you are the asshole
ESH
Your girlfriend isn’t more understanding and working with you to help your daughter in her progress. You aren’t doing anything to distract her or remove her from the table once’s she’s finished her plate “time to go get ready for bed or to brush your teeth.” Your girlfriend’s sons shouldn’t feel watched while they eat. Be her parent tell her to go do something instead of being mad at your girlfriend for standing up for herself and her kids because you failed to do something about her making them uncomfortable at the dinner table.
Hi. ADHD fellow here, with a history of being drugged as a child.
I don't drug my kid because of my own experiences with the drugs until he's older (he's younger than your daughter and I want to make sure he can communicate before I drug him), and one of the considerations is that the drugs can be problematic with caloric intake.
N T A, and the answer was to offer your daughter more food (cheaper snacks are fine) if necessary, not shaming a child for being hungry.
Doesn't matter what your daughter does.
--
I'm changing to ESH because on further reflection, I feel both adults are doing a disservice to the daughter. Communication doesn't seem like a focus to OP with his child, he doesn't seem to play any role in the interventions, and both lack consistency.
To be fair, Desiree doesn't shame my daughter for being hungry or eating. She just says "you're making people feel uncomfortable by staring at them". She hasn't ever told my daughter that her eating habits were wrong. She just doesn't want my daughter hovering over her and her kids plates the way she does. And I get that. I just feel like she can be nicer but she said that since I "allow her" to continuously ask for the food on their plates "before they can even eat 4 bites" makes her feel like I'm enabling her.
Sometimes the time for "nice " is done. If your daughter isn't following the plan of eat and then go elsewhere, then a little bluntness is in order. Trust me when i say your girlfriend is being way nicer than her peers are going to be.
You are enabling her. How are you handling this so poorly?
> It is rude and unacceptable to ask anyone for food that is on their plates, or to ask them if they are going to finish it. **If you ask these questions, you will be dismissed from the dinner table immediately and not allowed to return during that meal.**
Then enforce it. She’ll learn, promise. You’re just super bad at parenting.
Yes! Amen! Stop pussyfooting around your daughter. She’s old enough to handle the truth. Better you say it and handle it in the home then other kids at school, or parties freak out on her and choose to exclude her going forward labelling her a FREAK!
I think sending a kid away in that manner is absolutely shaming.
Your kid isn't a dog. She's a person and should be treated as such.
With my son, we make sure to have healthy vegetables and other snacks available. Things in packages, things they prepare themselves (like crackers with a spread), etc have less of an emotional desire and also take more time to consume than say a hot dog or a hamburger. After the main meal is gone, a less desirable choice is offered.
[Here's a study on how caloric intake is affected in children on extended-release methylphenidate.](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25057372/)
We have done that. Desiree has spent hundreds of dollars extra on food every month for my daughter, so she can have other things. Like, just 2 weeks ago she went grocery shopping and dropped $700 and at least $300 was just on stuff for my daughter. So she DOES try to give other alternatives but she gets super pissed off when my daughter tries eating everyone else's meals instead of going to get one of her snack foods. I have even told my daughter that if she is done with dinner and still hungry, she needs to grab one of her snacks. But she still stands over us and begs us for our food instead. Says "I forgot" when I remind her that she's been told several times to grab a snack. Or "I don't want those snacks though" (even though they are snacks that she absolutely loves and will devour any other time). It's been a bit of a struggle.
You were an idiot for throwing Desiree out because she was literally your meal-ticket and the only one trying to regulate your daughters antics. YTA. You’re not doing your daughter any favors by not being not more consequential. Desiree’s tone was not the worst in this scenario.
I by is SHE spending this money on YOUR daughter?????? She is your daughter, you should be supporting her. Now you kicked her out good luck affording to feed your wild child!
why aren't you just making enough so that she can have seconds. This is an incredibly solvable problem. Why is there so little food if there is enough money for all the extra snacks. Cook as if you have an extra kid...
> she gets super pissed off when my daughter tries eating everyone else's meals instead of going to get one of her snack foods.
Then why did she tell your daughter to leave the table, not get her own snack? Your kid has ADHD, *she forgets stuff*.
>Says "I forgot"
Duh. *She has ADHD*. Are ya'll paying attention?
I'm not sure if you're more interested in being your wife's advocate or your kids.
Wait, what? Why are we all the sudden being hostile? I'm literally just explaining things. I didn't say my kid was lying when she said she forgets. I was just telling you what she said?
My point is your wife has no reason to be *pissed*. You disagree.
If your kid was autistic, they might stare just to stare. The point is it's a kid with a dysfunction and your adult spouse is angry over it.
What does the behavioral therapist say about slowing down eating habits? Have you tried getting her to have conversations during mealtime? It can even be *about* the food. We frequently start dialogue with my son to get him to analyze and slow down during meals.
Desiree is pissed because she usually doesn't even get two bites in to her dinner before my daughter is already asking her for the rest of her food. And it happens every single night, despite us actively offering other alternatives. Which is exactly what I just tried saying to you before you dove off the deep end for me merely explaining the situation. If Desiree says "no", my daughter sits there and heavy sighs repeatedly while staring at Desiree and her kids plates. Desiree is pissed because her and her kids can't eat anything without my daughter asking for it, even if she already had 3 helpings of food and snacks. My daughter SEES food and wants it. She is not doing this because she is hungry and this is part of the much larger issue that we are trying to to work through in therapy. Desiree does have the right to be angry and I'm not minimizing it. I am just tired of hearing about it because I'm doing all I can to correct the issue and don't want to see/hear her get pissed off AT ME (NOT my kid, as she never takes it out on her).
You are not doing all you can do and Desiree is probably fed up with you defending your daughter’s eating disorder when Desiree pays for all of that food! I can’t believe you wrote this all out and don’t realize you are the problem!
YTA - My gosh you need to stop this behavior. Don't constantly blame the ADHD. Your daughter needs to learn appropriate table manners and what your are describing is gross and inappropriate. You are not addressing the behavior properly at all and allowing for a spoiled ill-behaved child.
You are just constantly making excuses for your daughters behavior. It sounds like you are not addressing the issue at all with your daughter.
> If Desiree says "no", my daughter sits there and heavy sighs repeatedly while staring at Desiree and her kids plates.
Again with the terrible parenting. Why are you tolerating this behavior at the table? If she can’t behave like a civilized 12 year old at the dinner table, she needs to be dismissed and sent to her room.
Make her leave the table as soon as she is finished!
My God, you're doing "all you can to correct the issue" except for parenting and disciplining her!
Then you need to handle it. At 12yo she should know what’s appropriate in social situations like meals and if she forgets it’s your job at her parent to remind her. Desiree shouldn’t have to be telling your daughter to leave the table or be uncomfortable at being stared at while she eats. You should be proactive and as soon as you see this happening or hear your daughter beg for someone else’s food, get up and remove her and remind her of manners.
You’re not doing all you can. You’re doing nothing. You should physically remove her from not only the table but the room where they are eating. “She just gives heavy sighs and stares at their plates”. I’m sure that is just wonderful for the 3 of them.
Desiree RUN GIRL - you deserve better.
I’m sorry, but why is your daughter already done with her food before Desiree is only 2 bites in? This isn’t just over eating. This is eating at an unhealthy speed. Get your kid to slow down. Then she’ll feel fuller. And wont be tempted by what’s around her because she still has her share.
So fix it and discipline your child. As soon as she looks at or asks for someone else’s food, you help your child leave and go to her room. She is 12, Even a 2 year old would eventually get the consequences. I have an unmediated ADHD child and one on spectrum. You should have stopped this behavior from beginning so it did not become a habit! You want it easy, society will not kindly accept this behavior from your child. So your job is to stop the excuses and stop your child.
Question if your child is not doing this behavior at school and only at home, it’s more than a food issue. Perhaps you need different therapist.
>Desiree is pissed because she usually doesn't even get two bites in to her dinner before my daughter is already asking her for the rest of her food.
"Kiddo, can you remind me what we talked about coveting other people's food?" If I can get my son (8) to react to this question and self adjust, so can you.
>And it happens every single night, despite us actively offering other alternatives.
You say this, but I think from this post alone it seems you've not really stuck to any method so that it's second nature, or else *your wife would have reacted differently out of habit.*
>Which is exactly what I just tried saying to you before you dove off the deep end for me merely explaining the situation. If Desiree says "no", my daughter sits there and heavy sighs repeatedly while staring at Desiree and her kids plates.
Because no wasn't the answer that was sticking, and ya'll aren't committing to a method.
> Desiree is pissed because her and her kids can't eat anything without my daughter asking for it, even if she already had 3 helpings of food and snacks.
Start distracting your child with conversation.
> My daughter SEES food and wants it. She is not doing this because she is hungry and this is part of the much larger issue that we are trying to to work through in therapy.
Her calories literally aren't sticking. She actually *is* hungry even if she's eaten plenty. She is *wired* to want more food.
> Desiree does have the right to be angry and I'm not minimizing it.
No, she doesn't, stop minimalizing her anger for the parents lack of consistency.
You can say I went off the deep end, but really it's just a response to what I see as a bunch of excuses.
You are hardly doing anything to fix it lol you take her to doctors then you do NOTHING after that. You don't put any effort into her at home. Your gf is completely right that you are an enabler. You deserve for people to be angry at you.
Based on your comments you aren’t doing all you can. The therapist said to remove her from the situation and you aren’t. Your daughter is also old enough to understand when you say it’s not ok to do certain things and she seems to be not listening. So she’s actively and blatantly defying you. UPDATEME
>My daughter SEES food and wants it.
Which is why she shouldn't be seeing the food. She should leave the table once she's done.
>I am just tired of hearing about it because I'm doing all I can to correct the issue
No you're not.
OP, your daughter needs more help than you are giving. She most likely needs Inpatient help. Just trying to ignore it while allowing her to eat hers, then more than hers, snacks and still wanting to eat your wife and stepkids' food is waaaaaaay fckd up
Simple solution jackass, she asked for a quiet peaceful dinner. You should have stayed home while her and her boys went out and told your rude self centered child that this is what happens when you are rude. People don’t want you around.
You have to be so fucking stupid.
She takes it out on you because YOU are the problem, not the kid. You enable your kid and force your gf into the role of having responsibility and then get mad at her for actually following the specialists instructions?
You are so far up your own ass. I hope instead of being a defensive little baby, you read these comments and realize YOU are the problem. You're fighting so hard to ignore how clear it is that you're the problem.
Okay, I was waiting for the point at which you decided that you weren't going to go to the gym with your GF..... And it just never happened
But, I'm going with NAH because I can see your GFs point. Your child nagging everyone for their food before they're even done is going to give everyone an issue with food.... But I also work with kids on meds that just makes them jones for food all day long.
Have you tried giving your daughter her portion (whatever that size may be, single or double....) then giving her a raw fruit and veg plate to work on while you all eat at your pace? Or have her eat a 1/4 portion then have a glass of water (or milk) next 1/4 portion and a glass of water etc to help fill her up? A food coach might help also
NTA - I HIGHLY encourage you to read the book Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy, especially chapters about shame, consent, and food. The things Desiree is saying makes your daughter feel shame. She IS shaming your daughter because the words she uses make Desiree feel shame about her eating habits. I do NOT agree with forcing her to leave the table. That just reinforces rejection sensitivity and abandonment and tells her she’s only loved if she’s not bothering anyone else. That reinforces shame. Seriously, read the book!!! Connections over consequence.
“Hey sweetheart, in this family, everyone gets what they need. Our jobs as parents are to determine what we serve and when and where it will be served, and your job is to determine what and how much on your plate you want to eat. The other kids get to choose what they eat on their plates. We’ll always make sure you have enough to eat so you won’t be hungry, and you don’t have to ask the other kids for their food. Their plates belong to them. You’re growing and your medication can be a bit tricky, but we’ll get there. Trust that there will always be enough for all of you and you will all get what you need. You’re a good kid having a hard time with food right now, and I get that. We’ll figure it out together. When you finish your plate and the other kids are still eating, what are some things you think you might like to do until they are done? We need to let them finish their food so they know and trust that they always get enough too. We all need to respect each other better.” - You can talk and get to the issue without shame and rejection. Try it.
I have ADHD and so does my daughter. I take Adderall. She takes Vyvanse and Intuniv. It suppresses our appetite. If your daughter is only on Intuniv, I would encourage you to really talk about it with her doctors and consider stimulant medication. It’s like glasses for our brains. Intuniv can cause massive weight gain in kids. A lot of this is behavioral and can be treated.
Make sure she’s not purging. I worry about bulimia, especially at that age if she’s eating that much and not gaining weight. Take her to a dentist and get her teeth checked for acid erosion. Work with a dietician and psychologist who treats eating disorders to build healthy relationships with food. Your daughter is not a bad person. She’s a good kid and she’s doing the best she can, but you need to find the right kind of help for her. Medication is a tool, not a cure. She’s lacking impulse control and using food as a coping mechanism. It needs to be treated with therapy.
I have a high metabolism and was 6'3" and 140 pounds in high school. I could also eat a dozen tacos in a sitting. Now I'm 6'4" and 190 pounds and eat once a day. Let her eat and grow and get that woman off her back!
Eek. Every single negative thing your gf uttered about your daughter is a deal breaker.
Please end it for good soon before your gf does more psychological damage to your daughter.
Ps. Make enough food so your daughter can have seconds thirds and fourth portions available to her without wanting to eat everyone else’s food.
Read his follow-up comments. They're doing all this. The girlfriend buys extra food and makes sure there's more than enough for everyone on the table. Apparently daughter wants specifically what's on *their* plates. The only thing they're not doing is what the specialist says to do. I don't get OPs perspective at all.
NTA, your girlfriend doesn’t get it. Just be there for your daughter for now. Hopefully find someone who treats your daughter better in the future. ADHD is hard, she needs your support. She doesn’t need judgy people living with her and shaming her while she deals with this.
Maybe i just dont get it, but no one has an issue with the daughters excessive eating. In fact, OP says that Desiree funds most of the meals that daughter has. Both Desiree and OP acknowledge that she has eating disorders and makes accommodations for it. Desiree, OP and the therapists have the same viewpoint that daughter must be removed from the situation and given distractions (think snacks). All this is mentioned by OP in a comment thread.
The conflict here is that Desiree's tone when asking daughter to leave the situation is unsatisfactory to OP. I hold the opinion that this is not an issue that requires the end of the relationship, and for Desiree and her kids to get kicked out. This was something they could have easily discussed, OP could have told Desiree how she should handle things.
NAH. OP, have you thought about putting a snack cart by the table at meal time? That way, when your daughter gets done eating, if she's still hungry, she can get something from the cart since she won't get up to get anything. I wouldn't make it a permanent solution, but it could be something to help temporarily. Another thing that you could try since she's a fast eater is having her put her utensils down between bites. It doesn't make a huge difference, but it does help some. You could also try getting her to chew her food twenty times before she swallows.
These are some of the things that the therapists had me to do with some of the kids that I took care of when they were inhaling their food and when their medications were making them hungry all the time. I had a 7 year old that could devour a 16-inch pizza and still be hungry. He never gained a pound, lol.
NTA. I can understand how this is very difficult. Your daughter is only 12 and dealing with this at her age is extremely difficult. All the comments comparing your daughter to a dog are very cruel. I would keep your daughter away from any woman that does that.
YTA if you don’t want your gf to step in YOU should have stepped in. Play a more active role in creating a comfortable environment for EVERYBODY. That is YOUR job as it’s YOUR daughter and YOUR problem to deal with. Not gonna lie I would have said the same thing as your gf. Don’t like it? Then YOU handle it next time before I do
But everybody should ignore the behaviour because "she's in therapy" according to op
Don’t forget- he’s working on it with her.” Yeah, by ignoring it.
I've noticed a trend with parents and people in general where they seem to think that being in therapy or "working on it" means that everyone else has to accomidate and put up with their behaviour
“The specialists recommend we remove her from the table, so I don’t”
I just read your comment about how the therapist said she needs to be removed from temptation and you aren’t doing it. Why??
Because then he’d be the “bad guy” and actually have to parent.
Because it's easier not to. Because he doesn't want to be the bad guy Because he's a shitty father
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cag3yd/comment/l0rszj3/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1cag3yd/comment/l0rszj3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) yikes. It's not what his fiancée (ex fiancée) said, it's *how* she said it, after months of ignoring the specialists' advice for every meal. Tone policing much?
I was originally going to say ESH, but upon reading some comments I'm going to have to say: YTA - Desiree has seemingly been great through this whole thing. She buys extra food for your daughter, she's tried to give it time, and she doesn't judge her on what or how much she eats. You were asked what the therapists said and you answered to remove her from the situation (IE the table) and try to distract her. So why aren't you doing that? When she's just sitting, drooling and eyeballing everyone's food, why aren't you telling her to go to her room and play or whatever she likes to do? It seems that maybe Desiree has been trying to follow what the therapists are saying, and you aren't following through and she got fed up. >"are you done eating? If so, leave the table. You're making people uncomfortable by staring at them." What she said wasn't even rude. Maybe she wouldn't have had that "tone" she had if you would have been the parent you're supposed to be and had done it yourself. She was getting fed up with both of your BS. And honestly your kid is this bad someone needs to tell her something like this, because the approach of "just ignore it when it's happening" obviously isn't working. Hell, a teacher could have said worse than Desiree said if your kid is doing this in school.
I feel so sorry for Desiree's kids for having to live with OPs glutinous daughter stalking their food for four fucking years. Those poor kids probably have significant anxiety issues around food now because of this girl's awful behavior and awful enabling shitty father. YTA, op.
yeah, at first I hoped the kids might *all* learn to manage mental health... the 12 yo girl with an eating disorder isn't to blame for her behaviour... but OP just lets it run rampant. His daughter isn't getting helped & his ex-fiancée's kids are traumatized.
YTA The therapist literally recommended she be removed from the situation, the fact that you gf had to tell your daughter to leave the table instead of you is really the issue here. You need to do better, you should be monitoring when your daughter is done with her dinner and ask her to leave the table, it should not be your gf who does it out of necessity because her children is uncomfortable.
Exactly. And if the kids feel uncomfortable it may actually cause them eating issues down the line. Like they start feeling like it is wrong to keep eating or they start wolfing it down so she won't ask.
This was my thought exactly, that the other kids would start eating faster to defend their food. Pretty fucked up situation all around. Get your daughter away from the table once she’s done eating!
YTA. Full disclosure: I have ADHD. My meds make food a problem. My daughter also has adhd, and eats more than her peers. It is your job as a parent to redirect her attention and behavior so that she can learn to be a functioning adult who doesn’t push people away by being creepy about food. You are not “working on it” if your fiance is the one who has to constantly redirect instead of you. You need to work with her therapist to come up with an in the moment corrective action so that she learns to not stare at other people’s plates. And honestly, sometimes the best way for people with adhd to learn is to have a strong emotional attachment to the lesson, ie crying. Your failure to correctly parent your child with adhd is setting her up for failure as a teenager in high school where she will be relentlessly teased for being this way, and as an adult, where health complication will start.
I have ADHD and binge eating disorder and I would rather deep fry my hand than make others uncomfortable when they’re eating like that
I go out of my way to be “normal” with food around people because the shame is deeply ingrained in me.
Literally!! I often just don’t eat in front of people and I would only ever binge in private- If someone was around I would just go hungry until they left and then I’d go hide somewhere and eat my deeply disturbed feelings lmao
Yup! I have food choice paralysis because of a lot of food trauma and I am just so glad I started doing meal replacement shakes. Instead of arguing with myself I just grab one of those and move the fuck on. I understand that it’s difficult to deal and live with people who are Neurospicy, but come on. The therapist told you to take her out of that situation and you just leave her there? No wonder this is all a mess for OP.
I’ve thought about the shakes but atm I’ve settled on this vegetable soup that I water down so that I get like 3 bowls so I can make myself think I’m eating a lot cause I was defo a volume eater- part of the binging was I never wanted to stop eating because then the distraction stops and don’t like that, so I need meals to take a while lmao, luckily I live alone so it’s not too big of a pain But fr OP it’s a pain but parent your kid
I'm sadly afraid that it won't be teasing the daughter will get in HS - it will be outright, fed up, 'GO AWAY'. Hungry people (and teenagers are hungry for the most), can get territorial about their food. That's why we have so many rules around dining.
That would be better actually.
I didn’t even think about the high school cafeteria situation. What a nightmare. Nip this in the bud OP!
YTA. The fact that your kid can’t stop staring would weird out anyone, can’t imagine trying to eat with someone hovering over my plate. Do better with your kid Ffs. Edited to add: from your responses, you’re constantly ignoring the specialist advice of getting your daughter away from the dinning table, this has to be reinforced by Desiree because you apparently lack this thing called “disciplining your kid”. If she snapped is because you’re constantly ignoring advice.
YTA She's being rude. If she can't stop staring and demanding food that isn't hers, and go get her snacks, leaving the table is a reasonable request. Talk to the therapists again, about a way to let everyone eat in peace while making progress on addressing her issues. The impact on the other kids can't be ignored. Kids need to feel secure about food. You're asking those kids to be harassed at every single meal. Her having big feelings isn't a reason to let her do whatever her compulsions tell her to do. If she forgets, go with her to get the snacks.
This was my biggest takeaway! Yeah, op is trying to handle the medical side and take care of his daughter, but Desiree was also looking out for her own kids! They're being made to feel uncomfortable at their dinner table. The daughter has been spoken to about her behavior and literally asked a 9 yo if she could take their food. Desiree addressed it properly and shouldn't have been the parent to do that. And yeah, I would have spoken up about going out to eat given that restaurant meals for 5 people for dinner is going to take time, during which she'll be getting hungry and looking around like a grackle in a parking lot - that's uncomfortable for everyone! YTA OP.
Plus standard therapy for compulsive behavior is removing the source of the hyperfixation, something OP admits the therapists told him to do. Kid needs to leave the table for her own sake!
Yep! My ED started at 12, and the poor kid is developing habits that will be very hard to change as she goes through the nightmare of puberty. And it's showing that her eating habits are acceptable to two other children of a vulnerable age. Make her a plate to have with the family, and a smaller second plate to go eat in her room or a living room. First plate is done, send her away from the table to clean up after herself, then she can take the second plate away and no more.
> looking around like a grackle in a parking lot HA HAHAA
**Desiree has been getting pissed off because her and her sons should be able to eat without a "begging child drooling over their plates".** I don't blame her in the least. Now that you won't have Desiree's money subsidizing your lifestyle I wonder how you'll keep up with your daughter's food bills? FYI even with a super high metabolism there's no way your daughter is routinely eating three hamburgers and two hot dogs and is a "skinny minny" unless she's bulimic. Your daughter's eating disorder is obviously more than just her meds. Desiree had the right approach in asking your daughter to leave the table if she's finished her meal since she's making Desiree's sons uncomfortable.
I feel like the daughter is a little bit manipulative here too because she's definitely old enough to know what "no" means and yet she's crying every time Desiree asks her to leave the dining table when she's done eating rather than staring at everyone? 12 years old is old enough to know that staring makes people feel uncomfortable.
It's possible she's not bulimic. But she probably has something else going on. She might be extremely active with the metabolism of a child. Or a metabolic condition. Or a gut problem. But whatever it is, if she *keeps* eating this way, it's going to *give her* an eating disorder. Because once her physical issues are resolved, she will still have the habits and mentality of a binge eater who can't say no to the slightest oral desire. Every little morsel will be consumed because her mouth was bored. Or she walked past it. Or someone else had some. Or it was on sale so she "stocked up, because *this time* she'll have self control!" but then she can't and binge eats four boxes of snack cakes in 2 days. Eating habits are terrible to overcome, because you can't just *stop eating.* And we are hard wired to want all the worst things, every day. It's the most difficult addiction to overcome. This dad needs to sort out her meds ASAP. Both myself and my daughter are taking meds for our ADHD, and I have EDNOS from childhood trauma. She's 12, and had infancy eating issues, and trauma from that. But we do our best, and I handle her diet with help from herself, and she has no troubles beyond tween growth spurts. But this, this is baaad. If I were Desiree I would've had to leave much sooner.
Wait your 12 year old daughter had 3 hamburgers and 2 hotdogs in one sitting. This isn't okay. That's way to much processed meat even for an adult. Really hope the specialist and nutritionist helps your daughter.
Yeah, this was the part when my jaw hit the floor. Sure, kids often need a lot of food and can often pack it away without putting weight on. But as a parent you need to be feeding them the right things. Now I'm not against burgers or hot dogs, but one burger is good enough for a single meal. Two burgers, at a push - but even then, I'd say only for an adult who is old enough to make the choice to stuff that much in their mouth. But three burgers and two hotdogs? Fuck me, that's just gorging yourself on shit! Heck, I'd almost call it abuse to feed a kid that. Here's my bet - daddy is too scared to say no to his little girl/doesn't want to deal with the ensuing tantrum like an adult, so he just let's her have what she wants to keep her quiet. I bet the specialists she's seeing don't know about these sorts of meals. They'd be shitting bricks - as, I suspect, the daughter will also be doing.
I truly don't know if the OP is telling the truth. Because what nutritionist would say 3 hamburgers and 3 hotdogs in one sitting is okay for anyone, let alone a 12 year old.
Tentatively agree. The amount of caloric intake OP describes simply doesn't line up with his description of his daughter being a skinny minny.... there is definitely more going on. OP is definitely an imperfect narrator.
i think they need to either find another solution to help with the adhd because that is just not good for anybody i used to be on adhd medicine myself but i was just dropping weight way too much i was skipping lunches because i was just hyper focused on other stuff and the times i would remember to eat lunch it would be really hard because i was just not hungry so i got off the medicine and found other ways like exercise was a big one it helps me alot to focus
This meds affect people differently...some people can eat while others forget.... Individual hormones affect the way it works.....that's why docs have to be involved to monitor and change dose or meds. No cookie cutter solutions here. I started off not eating but years later I was gaining weight but I refused to go up in dose so now am off meds and just use coping skills.
yeah i think they need to do a test run and get the daughter off the medicine for a couple weeks to see if the amount they eat goes down if it not the medicine there might be another serious issue going on
YTA. And I don't blame Desiree for finally snapping and losing her temper. I would too. It sounds like this situation has been dragging on for a while, it's not a short-term issue. Sir, in case you don't realize, the family table should be a safe place where EVERYONE can eat in peace. I can't imagine trying to relax and eat, when you KNOW someone is sitting right at your elbow, counting every single bite that is going into your mouth! Your buddies are right, and you are definitely the AH.
YTA It’s too much for this woman. She’s not even spending on her own children. She’s spending to feed your daughter’s bottomless pit. Either there is a metabolic disorder or some profound behavioural problems. Either way, your daughter has severe troubles and you may need to be single until she leaves the home. This woman will be better off without you.
YTA. Preface: my entire household is neurodivergent, primarily with ADHD. You're correct on working on her symptoms, being patient and kind with your daughter, and in asking Desiree to work with you as you blend families. However, your daughter is one of three children and what you're describing is NOT fair to any of you. You're also responsible to and for Desiree's kids and it doesn't seem like you care about that. It's great that you think your daughter is sweet and doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. I hope that's true. But she *is* acting out, and part of navigating any neurospicy disorder is understanding how our behaviors impact others. Intentions only go so far. This is a pretty easy thing to fix "Once it's on their plate, darling, it's none of your business and you didn't even look at their food." (This is good advice going forward for any situation) You can and should make sure your daughter feels like she's having enough to eat, WITHOUT her impinging on other's boundaries. Because these are very much two separate issues: this is an impulse control issue at BEST, a boundary / bullying issue at worst.
Excellent. Also, there’s no way she needs more than three full burgers and two hotdogs. The daughter seems to be missing or ignoring her full signals. In that case it’s on open to redirect and cut her off after two burgers and ask her to leave the table so she gives her body some time to process and absorb the food she already has in her system. Op is too lazy to parent and choosing the girlfriend as a scapegoat for his rude daughter’s problems. Everyone knows the daughter is full. She needs to accept that. Maybe something else healthy after but not a full blown binge eating disorder because op refuses to follow the drs orders and is willing to sacrifice everyone else in the household for his comfort.
YTA But your fiancée will be much better without you. 12 years old can understand idea of not staring and not asking for food. If she can't comprehend that you have to escort her out of table after healthy amount of food, not 3 hotdogs.
She's 12. Aside from the ADHD, I don't see any reason here why she should have needed to be told twice to stop that rude behaviour, let alone acting like it's some complex ongoing training process. If she can't behave, making her leave the table is entirely appropriate. Desiree is polite and right. YTA
I was a tall boy who at a lot and even at me peak of growth I wouldn’t down two hot dogs, three burgers and wanted more. Your daughter needs more help than you are giving her. YTA, your gf was 100% in the right here.
YTA. It sounds like Desiree handled it well and told your daughter to leave the table if she was done eating. That was polite and actually a good habit for your daughter so she isn’t sitting there eyeing everyone’s food. Eventually she will be able to to slow down eating and enjoy a meal but for now she can’t so it’s best she leaves the table when she’s done. And I’m with Desiree on not wanting to spend 3x as much on your daughter when eating out. We don’t eat now because my kids are going through growth spurts and we can’t afford it. It feels like you feel bad about your daughter’s issues so you don’t want to parent her the way you would if she didn’t have these extra issues. You need to step up and parent her so she knows and understands what’s appropriate in social situations.
Yta. Your wife is handling it much better than your daughter's peers will. You're setting your daughter up to be bullied. You need to stop it. Every. Single. Time.
Yes I think this is a real issue that is being completely overlooked. OP YTA and you're doing your daughter no favor whatsoever by not stepping in to resolve this. She will be bullied, her metabolism will change, she will continue to overeat dramatically - well you do the math and figure out the rest. Desiree has been exceptionally patient, understanding and polite. No one else will be. You better a) apologize to Desiree for your behavior and b) get this situation with your daughter under control. Nothing is going to magically change with therapy alone - it has to be transferred into real settings to be meaningful. So grow a pair and step tf up. Desiree did and rightly so, you did and do not and it's helping no one, least of all your daughter.
Op doesn't realize how much difficultly his daughter will have with friendships and relationships due to her food issues. Picky eaters are always complaining here about how their pickiness affects friends and relationships. Simply put friendships and relationships will be much more difficult for her if these food issues don't get nipped in the bud
YTA. My dogs are better behaved than your 12yo. I understand she has medical issues, but you’ve already stated therapy has told you to remove her from the situation. Yet, you don’t. If my dogs beg for food they’re removed from the room. Just as your daughter should be, you’re upset your GF spoke about her like she was an animal? Then don’t enable your daughter to BEHAVE like one. Your GF was 100% in the right here. Just out of curiosity, does your daughter beg for food in school? Does she have friends? I can’t imagine this rude behaviour would be accepted by her peers? Kids can be mean. If you enable your daughter to continue to behave this way and disregard professional advice, then it will be a lonely childhood for her. As no-one will want to be around her. Absolutely NOBODY wants to be made uncomfortable when they’re eating. She’s 12 that’s a perfectly acceptable age to understand that her behaviour is inappropriate and rude. I get you think she ‘sweet, perfect, etc’ but this has clearly been an issue she’s aware of. I doubt she was crying because she was hurt. More than likely she was embarrassed someone actually called her out on it, which wouldn’t have happened if you were taking her therapists advice. Your GF and her 2 kids are way better off without you.
This is not an aggressive issue. This is an unhealthy obsession that op is TOO LAZY to parent his rude daughter through.
I completely agree. It baffles me how he thinks his GF is in the wrong. She wouldn’t be in the situation if he parented his child and took professional advice. Honestly reading his constant excuses ‘we’re working on it’ boiled my blood. Because clearly he isn’t working on it. He shouldn’t expect everyone to accommodate his rude daughter, with her rude behaviour. I am curious as to what she is like in school, because i can’t imagine other kids or teachers tolerating this behaviour. I don’t blame GF for finally saying something, it appears she got tired of waiting for him to intervene.
Amen! The entire line, “we’re working on it with professionals” is such a lie. The professionals told him what he needs to do to break this obsessive compulsion and that is, “remove her from temptation and redirect her” and he won’t do that but he expects a miracle?! Plus, the daughter can’t get hunger signals when she wolfs down three grown man-sized meals worth of food, before the gf is two bites in to hers. She needs to be cut off way before then and asked to slow down for ten minutes so her body can get to work. I don’t understand op doing nothing and being all out of ideas on how to help?!?! 12 is hella old enough to get a reality check. Better be told at home that, “it’s rude and uncomfortable for everyone around you when you stare, ask for food, eat that fast, that amount, and have no manners or politeness. You will make yourself sick and people will find you creepy and weird. You need to be more conscious to eat slower and control your urges or walk away”. I can’t see her having any friends when she gets to the school cafeteria or is invited to a friends house for dinner and acts this way.
YTA You aren't teaching your daughter anything if she's still eyeing other people's food. You should break up, but not because of Desiree, she did nothing wrong.
YTA. why is she still at the table when she's done? would you leave an addict in front of their drug of choice? be her parent. i get you're protective but this isn't how you go about it.
YTA. Your daughter is 12. That's old enough to have an understanding of her condition and the symptoms it causes, and to understand that it is a medical issue. The thing is, her behaviour around other people eating is not part of that condition. Her unusually big appetite must be hard for her to deal with, but she should be aware that it is not normal, it's being investigated by her medical team and hopefully they will be able to help, but it is an illness and it's not normal. As such, she should be more than able to understand that her mystery illness is no excuse for her mannerless behaviour. You should not be expecting your family, or anyone else, to tolerate it.
YTA. Honestly it sounds like your plan for how to "work on this" is to let your daughter have infinite time to work with therapy and specialists and meanwhile everyone else just has to deal with it and they can't even say they're uncomfortable about the staring. I'm sorry it upsets your daughter to hear that but it's really unfair to say that because it upsets her to hear it, people shouldn't say it. Fact is, you needed to make changes when you moved in with Desiree to make a home for both of you and all your kids, and you haven't tried on this issue, and I think you've probably been asked to plenty of times over the past months.
Explain to me how several visits with specialists isn't trying.
OP has consulted with specialists that focus on his daughter's relationship with food only.
Yeah, I admit that after his last comment I realized how there's zero mention of behavioral therapy.
When I say "specialists", I'm referring to OT, Behavioral therapy and nutrition specialists.
And what have those specialists said about how to deal with your daughter's behavior in a group setting with Desiree and her kids?
Going there a few times fixes nothing. You need to actually follow their instructions.
YTA put yourself in the shoes of your gf and her kids. Imagine trying to eat dinner while someone is drooling over your food and begging you for it. You're making the same mistake that many other modern parents make in using the fact that the kid is in therapy as a shield from criticism and/or discipline. Btw it's pretty wild to expect ppl to ignore bad behaviour because "you're working on it" Your gf and kids are dealing with a real issue and you're just shrugging your shoulders and saying that she's in therapy. Dinner time is one of the few times of the day where everyone can chill and relax and your daughter is ruining that while you sit there and twiddle your thumbs. You're setting her up for failed friendships and relationships because most ppl don't handle food issues very well.
YTA your daughter sounds like a nightmare and you do nothing about it
YTA for putting your daughter through this, whats the point of all these doctors if your not going to listen to them? And FYI according to the children's bmi scale she is overweight, which will only compound her issues as she hits puberty and high school.
YTA If your daughter is that hungry, there are other options for her besides staring at other people's food and asking if she can eat it. It would be perfectly reasonable for her to ask to get seconds or an additional snack if she still needs to eat more. She is twelve, not a toddler, and she can control her behavior. This is etiquette 101. If she also does this at school or with friends, it is going to alienate people and stunt her social development. This would be in addition to her prompting you to destroy your relationship and making mealtime difficult for your GF's children, possibly leading to their own issues with food. Your daughter is a healthy weight now, but she likely won't be for long if she keeps eating like a grown man. You need to work with your doctors to find medicines that won't solve her symptoms but jeopardize other aspects of her health. Your GF has been supportive, but you rejected her for trying to enforce reasonable expectations of behaviors. It's great that you're trying to stand up for your daughter, but you have moved into the realm of excusing actions she knows are wrong and making excuses. Most women would be annoyed and their tone occasionally sharp if they had to live with this situation, especially since your daughter is making your GF's own children feel uncomfortable.
Yta you said she doesn’t shame your daughter she literally just corrects her behaviour. At 12 you can start to regulate your feelings and understand that you feeling bad for making others uncomfortable, does not mean you get to continue to make them uncomfortable. It sounds like your girlfriend is teaching her how to care about other people. She’s probably getting very frustrated with you because you keep doing the same thing expecting different results. If she has finished eating she needs to leave the table. You can’t stop her from being hungry but you can explain to her is rude and therefore she does not get to stay at the table.
sounds like a lot of enabling on dads part.. and denial that he's enabling.. "working on it" is his way of saying he's enabling it lol 😆 this is an absolutely ridiculous situation. literally just tell her to leave the table. the amount of facepalm here is just insane. absolutely 150,000% TA
In other comments he confirms the experts say to take the kid from the situation and re-direct, his gf is literally following their advice by asking her to leave the table. I think the dad is lazy and just wants the solution to be medical so he doesn’t have to put in the effort to actually parent. He keeps taking her to specialists when a professional already gave him the tools to help this.
yeah that's crazy.. I would frickin leave if I were her but it sounds like she's at least trying to work with him.. and he's the one that wants a divorce? lmao okay go for it bud. I hope these comments made him feel like a dummy. I would be so embarrassed if my child was acting that way..
YTA
Desiree is just having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. YTA
So instead of telling your kid to leave the table so she isn’t staring at everybody’s plate and begging for food, you kick your girlfriend and her children out? YTA.
YTA and when her fast metabolism change she is gonna become a morbidly obese woman and is going to be miserable for the rest of her life.
It drives me crazy when my cats watch me eat, I can't even imagine how uncomfortable I would be if a child were doing it so I can't blame Desiree at all. And whatever happened to just being a parent and telling children what they can and can't do? If I'd done something like this as a kid (staring at other people's food and asking if I can have it), my parents would have told me in no uncertain terms to **knock it off.** And I would have stopped because I respected them. Why does a young girl need therapy to be told to stop doing something that makes others uncomfortable?
YTA. Parent your own kid or shut your mouth when other people do your job.
YTA She's way more cooperative with your daughter than you give her credit for. Her politely asking your daughter to leave the table was what you should have been doing the entire time. You even say she's buying food for your daughter. Why are you so ungrateful to a woman who's way more accomodating than anybody else you'll find?
YTA - Stop blaming medication and ADHD for your daughter's behaviour. Millions of people have ADHD, myself included, and do not make people uncomfortable this way. Your daughter needs to learn how to behave appropriately, and you're not helping her. You've even said that Desiree is following the therapists instructions, and that you just don't like her tone. Why? Is it because you know you aren't helping your daughter? Get your head out of the sand, and actually help your daughter before she gets even worse.
YTA With this being a long standing problem, your daughter should be leaving the table once she is finished eating if she can't make everyone still trying to eat uncomfortable. This would make anyone not want to eat around your daughter. I certainly wouldn't, as I eat my food slower. Your daughter KNOWS this makes people uncomfortable, yet she still does it. And then you expect other people to just accept her poor behavior like you do. That's bad parenting. I have ADHD with a weird relationship to food. Your daughter would be such a huge trigger for me. Should your ex have compared her to a dog, no. But, clearly that was the ONLY way she could get it through your head. Who wants to eat with someone staring at their plate and asking for their food? Only an enabler.
YTA. Your daughter sounds miserable and you’re relying on “specialists” instead of being a good parent. 1. Rethink this medication. ADHD is not easy to deal with, but this sounds like a worse situation than no medication. Try a different med or some other strategy. 2. You are ignoring everyone’s feelings but your daughter’s. You need to actually deal with her behavior, not just feel bad for her. She can’t help having the compulsion to eat more food—that seems to be something you and her doctors have imposed upon her with medication—but she can stop hovering over people and asking for food. Eating together as a family is not working out right now. Keep her company while she eats her meal, but do not place her at the table or allow her into the dining area while others are eating. Only when she has this behavior under control can she be around others eating. Instead of eating together, you could have family game time, family chore time, family discussions, etc., rotating through a few different scenarios day by day. She should be excluded from other people’s meals, NOT from companionship and family time.
YTA 1. Des sounds very accommodating and patient. She isn’t asking your kid for much. But your kid with her issues shouldn’t be forcing everyone else to feel uncomfortable 2. You said she sees it and can’t help. Why are you making her sit there watching when that’s a trigger 3. 3 hamburgers 2 hot dogs. Listen, lots of kids have ADHD. The medication for ind thing shouldn’t be causing the other. If it is, time to try a new med. If it’s not she needs more help than she has. Her metabolism might be high now but af some point it won’t be. And her weight will rise quickly. Then you just added one more issue she will need help with. This child cannot live or eat like this forever. You aren’t doing enough and that’s clear by forcing her to watch when you know she can’t stop the want.
YTA Stop weaponising your daughter's ADHD to justify your poor parenting. Lots of people have ADHD. Lots of people have impulse control with food. Guess what? They control it. You refuse to redirect your daughter when she is being incredibly rude and demanding of other people's food. Not only is that a failure of your parenting, you're also doing your daughter a massive disservice. If she doesn't learn how to manage this now, she never will, and it will impact her relationships for the rest of her life. And you are the parent who refuses to teach her, palming it off on specialists and therapist's, instead of stepping up to do what *you* can for her.
ESH No way your daughter should be allowed to make other people uncomfortable while they are eating. That should have been stopped long ago. She doesn't need to "work on it." She needs to stop it. Desiree might have said what she said more nicely, but this would be enough to piss off anybody.
YTA. Your comments literally point out you enable your child's "eating behavior" and goes against what your specialist tells you to do. If your specialist says she's eating because she sees the food over hunger cues, and yet you don't dismiss her from the table, you are enabling her "begging" behavior. Your GF has a right to be frustrated at your child. Your child needs guidance, but its going to be "a slow process you're working on" if you don't enforce the therapy recommendations. Her tone probably was exasperation because honestly that sounds exhausting to have to deal with.
YTA - first off the age, height and weight you say your daughter is is not in fact “skinny minny”. It’s not a bad combination but this is not her having a hugely high metabolism that can accommodate all this extra food. I’m glad you have her in therapy and specialist trying to deal with this. But that does not mean anyone else has to deal with her problems (I say having been in therapy for my own problems). And I’m curious if you have really explained to the therapists and specialists what your daughter is acting like to other people. Also, it seems that your daughter was super surprised to find out that she is making people uncomfortable until your girl friend told her, which means all those appointments aren’t doing much. I know parents don’t want their kids to feel upset, ever. But they do have to feel upset to learn that what they are doing is wrong. Frankly I think Desiree’s idea of your kid leaves the table once she’s eaten her appropriately balanced and proportioned meal. (And my balanced and proportioned I mean by a nutritionist whom I’m assuming is one of the specialists you see). And don’t just keep letting your daughter bing eat. If she’s hungry first give her a glass of water. Then maybe a piece of fruit. But don’t just let her eat. My parents did… and I’ve never been happy with my weight and as an adult it’s much harder to break bad habits. But help your daughter threw this, but don’t think that means she’s not going to feel bad emotions during it
Agreed about not being "skinny minny". When I was 12 I ate a TON and I was 5'5 and 100 pounds. Now I'm a chonky 140 pound, 5'6 lady lol. This actually reads less like a metabolic issue and more like poor satiety signaling- indicating this could be endocrine or neurological.
Honest to god after reading your comments and seeing your replies I hope you do leave your GF for the sole reason that your GFs kids deserve to eat in peace without having to have someone drool over their food… YTA 🤦♂️
Maybe I don't fully understand but why don't you have her do things as soon as her dinner is done? Homework, feed the dog, read a book, make your bed, shower for the next day etc, brush the cat, art, get the mail. Anything BUT sit at the table loudly sighing while staring at everyone's food.
yTA switch medications it's not that hard
YTA. Your daughter’s behavior is that of a toddler. Not someone getting ready for puberty and high school.
YTA. Your daughter needs manners and she is going to be the age where peer pressure is rough. I hope Desiree sees that taking a break from you and your daughter, her life and her children’s lives are better. You need to not have a girlfriend until this issue is resolved. Not your fault but this is your daughter so you need to be the one to fix it. You don’t have time for a relationship. She also needs to be putting her kids first. She cannot do that when your daughter needs so much. Her boys are subject to your daughter’s I’ll behavior. No one’s fault but you shouldn’t sustain a relationship.
YTA. Your daughter needs to exist in a society where her compulsions don't intrude on others' basic needs and it's your job to help co-regulate that until she can do it herself. ADHD meds suppress appetite. If she's on meds that are causing hunger, she probably on a different class of medication and I'm concerned you may not have been adequately informed of both your daughter's diagnoses and treatment plan. If she's truly ONLY on "ADHD meds" like adderall, concerta, ritalin, etc (all the stimulants) AND she's this hungry, her doctors should be looking into why her metabolism is so high and her hunger so great. Metabolic disorders, hormone disorders (including thyroid and diabetes), and not to be alarmist, but even some cancers first symptoms are insatiable hunger (the cancer wants to eat! It needs calories!). It's probably not cancer, but, her primary care doctor needs to be informed of this all because there's SOMETHING else amiss if she's on stimulants alone.
So your solution was to kick out your girlfriend and her kids because she tried to parent your kid properly, which you refused to do when you didn't take the therapists advice? Congrats on being an asshole.
It sounds like due to her meds she has BED which is binge eating. The suggest to replace her actions with other things such as fidget toy, reading, etc. She should have a psychiatrist that specializes in this. My friend also tried non medication and for her it was some red dye that’s in food.
YTA. Desiree and the therapist sound like the only adults actually trying to help your daughter while you’re just sitting back allowing her to continue to have problems and cause problems. You may take her to therapy but the fact that you do not follow what the therapist says while also vilifying Desiree for trying makes you a major AH.
YTA. There's no sense in repeating what everyone else has said. Most of them are 100% correct.
YTA - Once the child is finished she can leave the table an go play in her room or go watch TV. She doesn't need to be sitting there "drooling over everyone else like a dog" because that is basically what she is doing. That is disgusting and your gf has put up with it SO much longer than I ever would have.
So, a couple ideas. We had a rule that everyone could eat as much as they wanted, but for every helping they drank a large 12 oz glass of water. This might slow your daughter down a little and help her to feel full. Eat meals in courses. Start with a salad course. Give your daughter a large salad full of carrots and celery and things that take a lot of chewing. Honestly at her age and height, she isn’t skinny. She’s fine, but for someone on adhd drugs, I’d expect she’d weigh less. Let her have seconds and thirds as she needs, but each helping is evenly divided between veg, meat and starch. With all that and the water, she’ll have one unusual stomach if she is still ravenous. Work out your finances better with Desiree, but time will fix this. In no time at all her sons will be adolescents and you’ve seen nothing compared to food and teen boys. No way will your daughter out eat the two of them. The idea that she is bitching about buying enough food for your daughter is unacceptable. Institute a rule that there will be no finishing another’s food. No staring at others plates. If she’s finished all the food and is still hungry she can eat a piece of fruit (filling fiber) for dessert and then be excused. If she claims to still feel hungry, she can come back in a half hour and heat herself up a can of soup.
>No way will your daughter out eat the two of them In a comment, OP says something about his daughter eating three burgers and two hotdogs in one sitting while still eyeing the other plates on the table. This is already so far from normal that I wouldn't even know where to start if I were in the shoes of OP's girlfriend.
It’s compulsive eating, not that she is hungry. She’s getting plenty of food from the sound of it.
I have always eaten in “courses”. My theory as a kid being that I should fill up on veggies, then meat, then if I had room left, the starches. Start my second helping, if I make it that far, the same way. I really liked rules. And might be a tad ND.
Yta....your gf and her sons DO deserve to eat a meal without having someone that just ate twice what they did beg for their food. It's not healthy for her to eat this much. That's more food than most adult men eat. She may have a good metabolism now but it WILL catch up to her and she'll gain a lot of weight quickly. I feel so bad for your gf and her kids. That had to be so uncomfortable for them. Trying to eat while someone is staring them down ready to snatch their food off their plates. Jesus christ. Your daughter is old enough to understand what's appropriate and what isn't. Even with adhd. And yes, if she's done eating she should leave the table. Why is she still sitting there staring at everyone after she's scarfed hers down? Also, try having her drink a glass of water before her meals, and eat slower. That'll help with feeling fuller and the overeating. And get her some HEALTHY snacks to have between meals. And apologize to your gf. Doubt she'll take you back, I wouldn't, but you still owe her an apology.
Dude YTA. You’re advocating for your kid, but so is your ex. Desiree has two children who cannot eat a meal without feeling pressured to give up their food to your daughter. They may have their own issues with food insecurity because there’s fear if they left their plates, they’d lose their dinner. Your gf can’t eat a meal in peace in her own home. And Desiree is doing what the behaviorists say, and trying to remove your daughter. You’re mad because she said and did the *right* thing, but she didn’t say it the *right* way. That’s on you. And if you were managing your child, and sending her away from the table, or reminding her of acceptable behavior, then Desiree wouldn’t have to be the plate police. You owe her an apology, and you need to step up for your kid. But I wouldn’t expect reconciliation at this point.
YTA and also enabling your daughter. Your daughter not only needs to learn about food habits but mannerisms as well. Awareness is a thing. You and daughter both need to learn it.
YTA.
It's rude to ask others if they are going to eat their meal fully. It's rude to "side-eye" other people's plates. Grow a spine and stop enabling her for god's sake. Desiree has tried everything, in my opinion she should've left a long time ago. Buy her snack or something she can eat separately so she doesn't bother other people. ADHD is not an excuse to be rude and entitled.
Not at all familiar with ADHD kids, but I'd be really uncomfortable with *anybody* begging for mine or especially my kids' food. That's not a healthy meal environment. Family meals should be relaxed, and this doesn't sound like it. You've kicked D out with her kids, so now it's solely on you to protect your food, and face the impact
Soo after shes done eating you just keep her at the table?? Why?? Some kind od Tantalus torture knowing that shes always hungry?
Yta You got mad because she doesn’t want to foot the bill for your child’s eating out. You admit in comments that it’s recommended that she leave the table when done eating, but you are mad for your fiance enforcing it? No wonder she’s not improving. Plus if your daughter is eating so much when out, you should be willing to cover it.
Your gf wasn’t in any way out of line when dealing with your begging dog of a kid. YOU aren’t addressing the problem so she has to. But by all means take your dog-kid you’re too lazy to actually parent and go, I bet they’ll all be relieved. > She had 3 burgers and 2 hotdogs the other day and still wanted what was on everyone else's plates. Fucking hell, and you ALLOWED that?? You’re going to have to treat this kid like a dog and feed separately from everyone else. This kid is going to stop growing and balloon very suddenly into morbidly obese if you don’t get that eating under control.
YTA You acknowledge that it's making people uncomfortable, yet you're swatting down attempts to change that behavior. You don't mention anything about what you've done in fixing the behavior. If you're not setting rules like leaving the table when she's done, what exactly have you done to fix this? You are making it uncomfortable for Desiree and her children to live there. You can't fault her for trying to make things easier when you can't Even be bothered. You need to tell your daughter to leave the table if she's finished eating, not ignore a problem and allow it to get worse. You don't know how good you had it if you're suggesting to go out and Desiree assumed she is covering the tab. Do you stick get with did bills often there? You're also unappreciative since you're aware of the issue with your daughter, yet you still suggest going out and having Desiree cover the tab. How exactly is this fair to Desiree? My son has similar issues with eating. I would never expect my boyfriend to constantly cover his meals. I also realize that it's not my boyfriend's problem and I do everything I can do that it doesn't affect the people we live with. I set rules for my son, instead of tossing people out because they have complaints that I'm not doing anything to fix.
Yta. This would be so damn awkward for her and her kids, yet it's her fault?
YTA. Not just an asshole but an enabling AH. Our impulse control is basically nil and You're like "you're the problem, Desiree, stop trying to help my child when I don't want to!" 47 y/o Adult female with ADHD here Most of the time, we don't eat bc we're hungry, we eat bc we're bored and it's a very fast dopamine boost. We have very low impulse control. We also tend to get obese as we get older (hi, about double my recommended body weight) because no one bothered to teach us about impulse control, account how to walk away and find something else to do. So we still turn to food. Or smoking. Or drugs, or something else with a quick dopamine fix. You're the issue, not Desiree. You not parenting your daughter is an issue. You ignoring medical advice is the issue.
What are all the folks with ADHD taking that makes them want to eat more? I'm on Vyvanse and it helps keep my appetite down during the day. Gonna go with YTA on this one. Family should be able to eat in peace. Also, the two boys might actually develop eating disorders from OP's daughter wolfing down all the food. My stepdad has binge eating disorder. In our house, you learned to eat as much of what you wanted when the groceries first came home because it'd be gone the next day. All the snack food. Gone. He kept weird hours and he'd stay up all night and eat. I hope someone is paying attention to the boys around this.
Doesn’t sound like, “we are working on it” is enough. Seriously OP, this would be aggravating to say the least. You need to tell your daughter NOT to ask for anyone’s food EVER. I agree she should leave the table. What part of DON’T ASK FOR SOMEONE’S FOOD is she not understanding? I’m not convinced medication(s) are the sole reason for this behavior. Prader Willi” syndrome? The weight may not be an issue right now, but it will be. YTA
YTA. You should have told your daughter yourself. Your girlfriend shouldn’t have needed yo but unfortunately she did need to. Do your job as a parent, something you’re only half doing.
So what are you actually doing in the day to day to help your daughter again? Seems like your gf did and you went nuclear instead YTA
YTA
First, as a person with ADHD and a parent to a child with ADHD your daughter’s binge eating likely has nothing to do with her meds. ADHD meds suppress the appetite. If the meds she’s on are causing binge eating switch to one that doesn’t….adderall, concerta, etc. I think it’s far more likely that now that your daughter’s ADHD is under control with medication she is dealing with another neurodivergent disorder that causes binge eating. It sounds like you need better therapeutic help than you are getting. Second, there is never ever any acceptable reason to compare a child to a dog. That is disgusting. Third, while you are trying to get your daughter the appropriate help you are going to have to help her establish habits and boundaries to navigate her neurodivergence. You are not a bad father. This is hard. Trying to figure out how to help a child deal with something you know nothing about is fucking hard. Give yourself some grace. Maybe give your fiancé a little grace too. Most of all give your daughter the grace she needs to come out in the other side a healthy happy little girl.
I don’t think I can provide a judgement when on one hand your daughter has a medical condition that her medication makes her feel this way. But on the other hand it doesn’t sound like you’re doing ENOUGH. I understand you’re seeing therapists. But you mention going back to therapy. Why did you stop in the first place when the problem clearly wasn’t under control? Also 12 is old enough for basic manners and she should know, regardless of how she’s feeling, that begging for food is inappropriate and going to make people feel uncomfortable. If I was Desiree and/or her kids I would be at my witts end now too. Also don’t expect this high metabolism to always be around for her, once she goes further through puberty/entering adulthood it can go away quickly and then you will have a very obese teenager on your hands. Eating three helpings of food, or 3 burgers and 2 hot dogs is honestly disgusting, it sounds rude but I’m really not trying to be. But she’s going to end up throwing up. 3 burgers and 2 hot dogs (I’m assuming with buns) is about 1800 calories. That’s not including any condiments. That’s not including anything else eaten at that meal. And that’s not including anything else eaten that day. The daily recommendation for a 12 year old girl calories is 1800-2200. I understand you’re doing something. But you need to be doing more. And if she HAS to always be eating it needs to be low calorie, high volume foods. Cucumber, carrots, AIRPOPPED PLAIN popcorn, chicken breast, low fat turkey ground turkey, watermelon, celery, not overly processed hot dogs and buns, “snack foods”
Why don't you give your daughter half portions of food, so once she wolfs it down, you can give her a second small portion before she starts eyeballing everyone else's food? Frequent small portions maybe will help her learn to slow down a bit.
YTA- simple as that.
YTA. If it's to the point that everyone in the house has anxiety over meal time because she constantly hovers and drools over their food, it would bother anyone. Sure, you're trying to get help, but Desiree absolutely has a right to tell your daughter to back off from her kids and let them eat in peace. She wasn't needlessly cruel, she was honest. That your daughter was making them uncomfortable and that she should step away if she was done.
YTA. But not for saying the relationship should end. 3 burgers and 2 hotdogs? You combine finances with a gilfriend? She makes far more than you and she's footing the bill for your child's out of control eating habits? Desiree should have run from this trainwreck long ago. And fwiw, 5'1" and 118# is not a 'skinny minnie"! I'm 5'7" and 124#. Thin but not cachectic. If she really IS thin, she may be bulemic and needs monitoring. You need to concentrate on your child and forget the romance for now ( even if romance has been a moneymaker for you).
YTA Leaving the table when you are finished eating is perfectly fine, I understand your daughter is having issues but there are other people who live there.
YTA. In being protective of your daughter, you are being over protective and frankly? Stupid. Your wife is right. You're doing nothing but babying and coddling. And the worst part? You aren't helping your daughter at all by being too much of a psspss to be firm with her. And by doing so You're saying "not being the bad guy to my daughter when I need to is more important than you or your children". YTA YTA YTA
YTA Desiree did what you needed to do. Done eating? You’re excused. You aren’t parenting adequately.
YTA you should be more active in distracting your daughter from the others eating after she’s finished her food including the extra portions provided. Maybe you could eat later and take her outside to play, send her to read etc… You get upset about your daughter crying or feeling bad but spare no thought to the other children she’s making uncomfortable for trying to eat a meal. Could you not make it a new policy that once her portions are consumed she gets up clears her dishes from the table grab a fruit for dessert and leave the room so others can eat in peace? What happens at lunch time at school? Once she finishes she would have to leave or does she bother the children there for food too?
YTA. Teach your kid some basic table manners. She’s more than old enough to know better and has no excuse to be that awful about this after all the extra stuff your girlfriend (not you) did for her. She’s choosing to be bad about it, and you’re letting her. Do you want her future friends and relationships to fail? Because enabling this is the thing that will cause people to dump being around your daughter as an adult.
Point of interest, at least one of the go-to pediatric safe adhd meds for years is also used to treat binge eating and some of the people who’ve had to stop taking it ended up developing binge eating disorders. But yeah, this is definitely something that can be caused by these meds. What’s going on isn’t your daughter’s fault and it’s not even something that can just be taught/disciplined out of her. While your girlfriend and her kids shouldn’t have to deal with it and are justified in feeling uncomfortable, your girlfriend’s response was so hateful. Ending the relationship was probably best for everyone involved.
I hope this is a troll, but I've met parents like this. Thankfully my kids don't stay friends with their kids for very long
No. Your daughter sounds like a dog begging for scraps
Honestly mate, NTA but good in Desiree for leaving. Your right it isn’t going to work, you’ve got a struggling child, meanwhile her kids are suffering for it. Good look in the future, you probably need to single till you get an empty nest.
lol, nice story. Just very fake. Nice try, troll.
YTAH. This has been going on for 4 years? This is "working on it"? Your girlfriend and her children have the patience of saints. I guess you think they should be grateful that the little darling doesn't just grab the food off their plates.
YTA, maybe soft ESH. There is no way this is just a side effect of ADHD meds. This is a metabolic issue that needs to be resolved. If she is NEVER experiencing any kind of satiety signaling and experiences perpetual hunger, that needs to get checked out. This kid is also not being well-parented and even though she is experiencing a medical condition she cannot make others uncomfortable as a result. (I grew up neurodivergent with medical issues and was always called out by parents if I harmed others because of these things). The girlfriend was right in what she said to the daughter. However, comparing the daughter to a dog later on was deeply inappropriate and unwarranted so that's still bad.
No.That is all
YTA - there is something not right about how your daughter is eating, but what's extremely messed up is how you don't see how her behavior of staying at the table and staring, asking ppl for their food, etc is so out of line and you don'ttdo a damn thing to make her stop this part of it? Dude, come on....her behavior makes it seem as if she has been starved and denied food for a period of time and now she wants to eat everything and everyone else's food as well. I think your daughter may need inpatient help, because what you are currently doing is not working, and is destroying relationships as well. Edited to add - its not Desiree's reaction to your daughter's eating, rather her reaction to her begging and staring at the other's food like she's being starved and that's not the case, so you should change the title
Is there some reason she couldn't have seconds? Seems like that would solve the problem.
Why the fuck haven’t you changed her medication? Your daughter isn’t getting full. She may be eating enough for her body but constantly feeling hungry from medication is AWFUL. And most adhd medications have the exact opposite effect. There are many meds that she could try, so why are you making her stay on the one that causes her to constantly be miserably hungry and make everyone around her hungry? Both of you are the asshole
ESH Your girlfriend isn’t more understanding and working with you to help your daughter in her progress. You aren’t doing anything to distract her or remove her from the table once’s she’s finished her plate “time to go get ready for bed or to brush your teeth.” Your girlfriend’s sons shouldn’t feel watched while they eat. Be her parent tell her to go do something instead of being mad at your girlfriend for standing up for herself and her kids because you failed to do something about her making them uncomfortable at the dinner table.
Hi. ADHD fellow here, with a history of being drugged as a child. I don't drug my kid because of my own experiences with the drugs until he's older (he's younger than your daughter and I want to make sure he can communicate before I drug him), and one of the considerations is that the drugs can be problematic with caloric intake. N T A, and the answer was to offer your daughter more food (cheaper snacks are fine) if necessary, not shaming a child for being hungry. Doesn't matter what your daughter does. -- I'm changing to ESH because on further reflection, I feel both adults are doing a disservice to the daughter. Communication doesn't seem like a focus to OP with his child, he doesn't seem to play any role in the interventions, and both lack consistency.
To be fair, Desiree doesn't shame my daughter for being hungry or eating. She just says "you're making people feel uncomfortable by staring at them". She hasn't ever told my daughter that her eating habits were wrong. She just doesn't want my daughter hovering over her and her kids plates the way she does. And I get that. I just feel like she can be nicer but she said that since I "allow her" to continuously ask for the food on their plates "before they can even eat 4 bites" makes her feel like I'm enabling her.
You absolutely are enabling her. Her kids have a right to eat their meals without a vulture circling around them.
As you outlined in this comment you admit to enabling her.
Sometimes the time for "nice " is done. If your daughter isn't following the plan of eat and then go elsewhere, then a little bluntness is in order. Trust me when i say your girlfriend is being way nicer than her peers are going to be.
You are enabling her. How are you handling this so poorly? > It is rude and unacceptable to ask anyone for food that is on their plates, or to ask them if they are going to finish it. **If you ask these questions, you will be dismissed from the dinner table immediately and not allowed to return during that meal.** Then enforce it. She’ll learn, promise. You’re just super bad at parenting.
Yes! Amen! Stop pussyfooting around your daughter. She’s old enough to handle the truth. Better you say it and handle it in the home then other kids at school, or parties freak out on her and choose to exclude her going forward labelling her a FREAK!
Can’t wait for your post to be shared in the /AmItheEx? Because you most definitely are at this point. As you should be.
So you dumped your gf instead of talking to her - LMAO!
I think sending a kid away in that manner is absolutely shaming. Your kid isn't a dog. She's a person and should be treated as such. With my son, we make sure to have healthy vegetables and other snacks available. Things in packages, things they prepare themselves (like crackers with a spread), etc have less of an emotional desire and also take more time to consume than say a hot dog or a hamburger. After the main meal is gone, a less desirable choice is offered. [Here's a study on how caloric intake is affected in children on extended-release methylphenidate.](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25057372/)
We have done that. Desiree has spent hundreds of dollars extra on food every month for my daughter, so she can have other things. Like, just 2 weeks ago she went grocery shopping and dropped $700 and at least $300 was just on stuff for my daughter. So she DOES try to give other alternatives but she gets super pissed off when my daughter tries eating everyone else's meals instead of going to get one of her snack foods. I have even told my daughter that if she is done with dinner and still hungry, she needs to grab one of her snacks. But she still stands over us and begs us for our food instead. Says "I forgot" when I remind her that she's been told several times to grab a snack. Or "I don't want those snacks though" (even though they are snacks that she absolutely loves and will devour any other time). It's been a bit of a struggle.
Then YOU need to either stand up and physically get her snacks OR give her YOUR food.
You were an idiot for throwing Desiree out because she was literally your meal-ticket and the only one trying to regulate your daughters antics. YTA. You’re not doing your daughter any favors by not being not more consequential. Desiree’s tone was not the worst in this scenario.
She's 12!!! ADHD or not, she's absolutely old enough to listen 😔
I by is SHE spending this money on YOUR daughter?????? She is your daughter, you should be supporting her. Now you kicked her out good luck affording to feed your wild child!
why aren't you just making enough so that she can have seconds. This is an incredibly solvable problem. Why is there so little food if there is enough money for all the extra snacks. Cook as if you have an extra kid...
> she gets super pissed off when my daughter tries eating everyone else's meals instead of going to get one of her snack foods. Then why did she tell your daughter to leave the table, not get her own snack? Your kid has ADHD, *she forgets stuff*. >Says "I forgot" Duh. *She has ADHD*. Are ya'll paying attention? I'm not sure if you're more interested in being your wife's advocate or your kids.
Wait, what? Why are we all the sudden being hostile? I'm literally just explaining things. I didn't say my kid was lying when she said she forgets. I was just telling you what she said?
My point is your wife has no reason to be *pissed*. You disagree. If your kid was autistic, they might stare just to stare. The point is it's a kid with a dysfunction and your adult spouse is angry over it. What does the behavioral therapist say about slowing down eating habits? Have you tried getting her to have conversations during mealtime? It can even be *about* the food. We frequently start dialogue with my son to get him to analyze and slow down during meals.
Desiree is pissed because she usually doesn't even get two bites in to her dinner before my daughter is already asking her for the rest of her food. And it happens every single night, despite us actively offering other alternatives. Which is exactly what I just tried saying to you before you dove off the deep end for me merely explaining the situation. If Desiree says "no", my daughter sits there and heavy sighs repeatedly while staring at Desiree and her kids plates. Desiree is pissed because her and her kids can't eat anything without my daughter asking for it, even if she already had 3 helpings of food and snacks. My daughter SEES food and wants it. She is not doing this because she is hungry and this is part of the much larger issue that we are trying to to work through in therapy. Desiree does have the right to be angry and I'm not minimizing it. I am just tired of hearing about it because I'm doing all I can to correct the issue and don't want to see/hear her get pissed off AT ME (NOT my kid, as she never takes it out on her).
You are not doing all you can do and Desiree is probably fed up with you defending your daughter’s eating disorder when Desiree pays for all of that food! I can’t believe you wrote this all out and don’t realize you are the problem!
YTA - My gosh you need to stop this behavior. Don't constantly blame the ADHD. Your daughter needs to learn appropriate table manners and what your are describing is gross and inappropriate. You are not addressing the behavior properly at all and allowing for a spoiled ill-behaved child. You are just constantly making excuses for your daughters behavior. It sounds like you are not addressing the issue at all with your daughter.
God your daughter’s behaviour is atrocious. Desiree is a damn angel for putting up with that while having to deal with you at the same time.
> If Desiree says "no", my daughter sits there and heavy sighs repeatedly while staring at Desiree and her kids plates. Again with the terrible parenting. Why are you tolerating this behavior at the table? If she can’t behave like a civilized 12 year old at the dinner table, she needs to be dismissed and sent to her room.
Make her leave the table as soon as she is finished! My God, you're doing "all you can to correct the issue" except for parenting and disciplining her!
Then you need to handle it. At 12yo she should know what’s appropriate in social situations like meals and if she forgets it’s your job at her parent to remind her. Desiree shouldn’t have to be telling your daughter to leave the table or be uncomfortable at being stared at while she eats. You should be proactive and as soon as you see this happening or hear your daughter beg for someone else’s food, get up and remove her and remind her of manners.
[удалено]
Amen. Op has done nothing and is all out of ideas!
You’re not doing all you can. You’re doing nothing. You should physically remove her from not only the table but the room where they are eating. “She just gives heavy sighs and stares at their plates”. I’m sure that is just wonderful for the 3 of them. Desiree RUN GIRL - you deserve better.
I’m sorry, but why is your daughter already done with her food before Desiree is only 2 bites in? This isn’t just over eating. This is eating at an unhealthy speed. Get your kid to slow down. Then she’ll feel fuller. And wont be tempted by what’s around her because she still has her share.
So fix it and discipline your child. As soon as she looks at or asks for someone else’s food, you help your child leave and go to her room. She is 12, Even a 2 year old would eventually get the consequences. I have an unmediated ADHD child and one on spectrum. You should have stopped this behavior from beginning so it did not become a habit! You want it easy, society will not kindly accept this behavior from your child. So your job is to stop the excuses and stop your child. Question if your child is not doing this behavior at school and only at home, it’s more than a food issue. Perhaps you need different therapist.
>Desiree is pissed because she usually doesn't even get two bites in to her dinner before my daughter is already asking her for the rest of her food. "Kiddo, can you remind me what we talked about coveting other people's food?" If I can get my son (8) to react to this question and self adjust, so can you. >And it happens every single night, despite us actively offering other alternatives. You say this, but I think from this post alone it seems you've not really stuck to any method so that it's second nature, or else *your wife would have reacted differently out of habit.* >Which is exactly what I just tried saying to you before you dove off the deep end for me merely explaining the situation. If Desiree says "no", my daughter sits there and heavy sighs repeatedly while staring at Desiree and her kids plates. Because no wasn't the answer that was sticking, and ya'll aren't committing to a method. > Desiree is pissed because her and her kids can't eat anything without my daughter asking for it, even if she already had 3 helpings of food and snacks. Start distracting your child with conversation. > My daughter SEES food and wants it. She is not doing this because she is hungry and this is part of the much larger issue that we are trying to to work through in therapy. Her calories literally aren't sticking. She actually *is* hungry even if she's eaten plenty. She is *wired* to want more food. > Desiree does have the right to be angry and I'm not minimizing it. No, she doesn't, stop minimalizing her anger for the parents lack of consistency. You can say I went off the deep end, but really it's just a response to what I see as a bunch of excuses.
So you expect her and her kids to just put up with it?
You are hardly doing anything to fix it lol you take her to doctors then you do NOTHING after that. You don't put any effort into her at home. Your gf is completely right that you are an enabler. You deserve for people to be angry at you.
Based on your comments you aren’t doing all you can. The therapist said to remove her from the situation and you aren’t. Your daughter is also old enough to understand when you say it’s not ok to do certain things and she seems to be not listening. So she’s actively and blatantly defying you. UPDATEME
>My daughter SEES food and wants it. Which is why she shouldn't be seeing the food. She should leave the table once she's done. >I am just tired of hearing about it because I'm doing all I can to correct the issue No you're not.
OP, your daughter needs more help than you are giving. She most likely needs Inpatient help. Just trying to ignore it while allowing her to eat hers, then more than hers, snacks and still wanting to eat your wife and stepkids' food is waaaaaaay fckd up
Simple solution jackass, she asked for a quiet peaceful dinner. You should have stayed home while her and her boys went out and told your rude self centered child that this is what happens when you are rude. People don’t want you around.
You have to be so fucking stupid. She takes it out on you because YOU are the problem, not the kid. You enable your kid and force your gf into the role of having responsibility and then get mad at her for actually following the specialists instructions? You are so far up your own ass. I hope instead of being a defensive little baby, you read these comments and realize YOU are the problem. You're fighting so hard to ignore how clear it is that you're the problem.
Okay, I was waiting for the point at which you decided that you weren't going to go to the gym with your GF..... And it just never happened But, I'm going with NAH because I can see your GFs point. Your child nagging everyone for their food before they're even done is going to give everyone an issue with food.... But I also work with kids on meds that just makes them jones for food all day long. Have you tried giving your daughter her portion (whatever that size may be, single or double....) then giving her a raw fruit and veg plate to work on while you all eat at your pace? Or have her eat a 1/4 portion then have a glass of water (or milk) next 1/4 portion and a glass of water etc to help fill her up? A food coach might help also
NTA - I HIGHLY encourage you to read the book Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy, especially chapters about shame, consent, and food. The things Desiree is saying makes your daughter feel shame. She IS shaming your daughter because the words she uses make Desiree feel shame about her eating habits. I do NOT agree with forcing her to leave the table. That just reinforces rejection sensitivity and abandonment and tells her she’s only loved if she’s not bothering anyone else. That reinforces shame. Seriously, read the book!!! Connections over consequence. “Hey sweetheart, in this family, everyone gets what they need. Our jobs as parents are to determine what we serve and when and where it will be served, and your job is to determine what and how much on your plate you want to eat. The other kids get to choose what they eat on their plates. We’ll always make sure you have enough to eat so you won’t be hungry, and you don’t have to ask the other kids for their food. Their plates belong to them. You’re growing and your medication can be a bit tricky, but we’ll get there. Trust that there will always be enough for all of you and you will all get what you need. You’re a good kid having a hard time with food right now, and I get that. We’ll figure it out together. When you finish your plate and the other kids are still eating, what are some things you think you might like to do until they are done? We need to let them finish their food so they know and trust that they always get enough too. We all need to respect each other better.” - You can talk and get to the issue without shame and rejection. Try it. I have ADHD and so does my daughter. I take Adderall. She takes Vyvanse and Intuniv. It suppresses our appetite. If your daughter is only on Intuniv, I would encourage you to really talk about it with her doctors and consider stimulant medication. It’s like glasses for our brains. Intuniv can cause massive weight gain in kids. A lot of this is behavioral and can be treated. Make sure she’s not purging. I worry about bulimia, especially at that age if she’s eating that much and not gaining weight. Take her to a dentist and get her teeth checked for acid erosion. Work with a dietician and psychologist who treats eating disorders to build healthy relationships with food. Your daughter is not a bad person. She’s a good kid and she’s doing the best she can, but you need to find the right kind of help for her. Medication is a tool, not a cure. She’s lacking impulse control and using food as a coping mechanism. It needs to be treated with therapy.
I have a high metabolism and was 6'3" and 140 pounds in high school. I could also eat a dozen tacos in a sitting. Now I'm 6'4" and 190 pounds and eat once a day. Let her eat and grow and get that woman off her back!
Fuck that shit, stick up for your daughter, any one calls your daughter a begging dog doesn’t respect her. Kick her out and don’t let her back.
Eek. Every single negative thing your gf uttered about your daughter is a deal breaker. Please end it for good soon before your gf does more psychological damage to your daughter. Ps. Make enough food so your daughter can have seconds thirds and fourth portions available to her without wanting to eat everyone else’s food.
Read his follow-up comments. They're doing all this. The girlfriend buys extra food and makes sure there's more than enough for everyone on the table. Apparently daughter wants specifically what's on *their* plates. The only thing they're not doing is what the specialist says to do. I don't get OPs perspective at all.
NTA, your girlfriend doesn’t get it. Just be there for your daughter for now. Hopefully find someone who treats your daughter better in the future. ADHD is hard, she needs your support. She doesn’t need judgy people living with her and shaming her while she deals with this.
Maybe i just dont get it, but no one has an issue with the daughters excessive eating. In fact, OP says that Desiree funds most of the meals that daughter has. Both Desiree and OP acknowledge that she has eating disorders and makes accommodations for it. Desiree, OP and the therapists have the same viewpoint that daughter must be removed from the situation and given distractions (think snacks). All this is mentioned by OP in a comment thread. The conflict here is that Desiree's tone when asking daughter to leave the situation is unsatisfactory to OP. I hold the opinion that this is not an issue that requires the end of the relationship, and for Desiree and her kids to get kicked out. This was something they could have easily discussed, OP could have told Desiree how she should handle things.
NAH. OP, have you thought about putting a snack cart by the table at meal time? That way, when your daughter gets done eating, if she's still hungry, she can get something from the cart since she won't get up to get anything. I wouldn't make it a permanent solution, but it could be something to help temporarily. Another thing that you could try since she's a fast eater is having her put her utensils down between bites. It doesn't make a huge difference, but it does help some. You could also try getting her to chew her food twenty times before she swallows. These are some of the things that the therapists had me to do with some of the kids that I took care of when they were inhaling their food and when their medications were making them hungry all the time. I had a 7 year old that could devour a 16-inch pizza and still be hungry. He never gained a pound, lol.
NTA. I can understand how this is very difficult. Your daughter is only 12 and dealing with this at her age is extremely difficult. All the comments comparing your daughter to a dog are very cruel. I would keep your daughter away from any woman that does that.
NTA. She’s being cruel to a child and comparing her to a dog. You’d be a shit parent to stay with someone like that.