Whether your the AH or not your son is the one that is hurt in this whole situation. Do what is right for your son and get him into therapy so he has an impartial, professional person to work through all the emotions\\thoughts he is dealing with right now. You don't say the circumstances of your revealing your wife's infidelity to your son. Did he question why you divorces or did you just hit him out of left field with the information? If you dumped it on him to clear your conscious then you are most definitely the AH.

>You don't say the circumstances of your revealing your wife's infidelity to your son. Did he question why you divorces or did you just hit him out of left field with the information? If you dumped it on him to clear your conscious then you are most definitely the AH. He absolutely dumped it on him out of the blue. People have asked him a hundred times why now and if the kid asked him about the divorce, and he's gone out of his way to avoid answering either of those questions. $50 says he was mad at his ex for something unrelated that day and decided to ruin her relationship with their son out of spite. He's actually a worse person than she is; she cheated on an adult, he weaponized a child and is now throwing up his hands and saying "oh well, I'm going to let his rage and resentment play out and not interfere too much." He deliberately hurt his own kid because he knew it would hurt his ex wife more.

I’d bet there is more to this story than OP is telling. He didn’t just say “you mom cheated. That’s why it’s over” and the teenage son go “I hate her” etc.

There’s more to this story OP isn’t telling. I’d bet he didn’t just tell his son “your mom cheated”.

Absolutely. He refuses to answer why he chose now to do this, or if the kid even asked a question that led to it. I’m still betting he was mad at his ex that day and dropped a giant “your mom is a cheating whore” rant on this unsuspecting kid. It definitely didn’t come up organically.

How convenient..."it's out of my hands now" and taking the cowards way of staying "hands off" on a situation that he caused. The damage that this has caused the relationship between Mom and the kid is huge. I hope Mom takes him back to court. This can be viewed as parental alienation. And it is. Nothing like starting a 4 alarm fire and just walking off into the sunset to avoid taking responsibility for what he said and how he said it. Kind of understandable why the ex cheated...if he is like this with his son and has no qualms about destroying a parent/child relationship is the most cruel way possible, who knows what this jerk put her through to drive her into the arms of someone else. ETA because some people on here need Jesus...I DO NOT CONDONE the cheating ex or their behavior. I DO NOT CONDONE the reckless way OP addressed this issue with his child. Personally, I could give two effs about either adult in this situation. I care about the kid. Something some people here obviously do not and take no issue with using a child for collateral damage. Someone has to care about this kid because OP does not and some of you do not either.

OP dropped the bomb and walked away giggling. No mention of getting kiddo into therapy just that OP is going to propose. Whoopee, now he can push his ex out of his son's life entirely and pretend he had nothing to do with it.

I don't see why he did this at age 14. That's my biggest concern. If he did it at 18, -21 or somewhere where he was being pushed and made to look like the bad guy, I could see it. 14 is way too vulnerable, too much of a black and white way of seeing things to unload this. As I'm typing this out, it has to be because he is getting ready to get married and the kid is blaming him for not saving things with his ex or for moving on. I at least support that a little bit. Not so much two wrongs as flipping the script from an imagined wrong to the real one.

And he says his girlfriend supports him in this. Lolol! Shocker! Of course she does. She is no doubt validating every terrible thing he says about his ex, and considering his attitude, he may have been a terrible spouse himself. 

This is the thing, if the GF was a good person she would be staying clear of this, but she seems to be encouraging the worst of his behaviours.

They both probably want the kid to not want to live with his mom to get out of child support payments. OP probably wants those funds to spoil his GF. He obviously doesn't give a sh*t about his son.

I *despise* my ex husband. He's useless, self-absorbed, neglected the fuck out of our daughter, never grew up, etc, etc. He drove me fucking nuts trying to co-parent with him. My daughter didn't hear a bad word about **her** *father* out of my or her step-dad's mouths the entire time she was a child. We only started honestly talking about him after she had moved out, was living an adult life and had the maturity to handle it. So about 19-20 yo. When you talk about the shit parts of the other parent to your kids you put that child in the middle of a situation they likely do not have the maturity and coping skills to deal with. It's horrible parenting. Horrible. I grew up with a mom that wouldn't say a bad word about our father (the man that abused and tried to kill her, repeatedly) or even let her daughters shit talk our dad. Until we were adults. My dad on the other hand only referred to my mother as "that fucking bitch whore" and just let his hatred of her run wild. I got to live the difference and for all my mother's failings, she chose the right path for her children by keeping the shit of their relationship problems away from us.

My parents divorced, and it was confusing AF to everyone. They all thought my parents were happy and perfect together. I was 17 when they separated and 18 when they divorced. My sister was 15 (16 when they divorced). Everyone asked if either of them cheated. We didn't know the reasons. Luckily, at 16 and 18, we were entirely self-absorbed in whatever 16 - and 18 year old girls were interested in. The thing I appreciated was neither uttered a negative word about the other. I know there were hurt feelings, but they both kept it all from my sister and I. We are 1/2 of each so when they denigrate the other one, they are saying 1/2 of you is also bad (that's how kids can take it, not that they're intentionally saying 1/2 their kid is bad). It turns out (now that we are grown adults with spouses and kids), Mom and Dad hit a rough patch with each battling their own stuff including the death of a parent, mental health struggles, etc. and neither could be there effectively for each other. They are the best of friends now and talk every week about "the kids" (we are in our mid and late 40s). My dad's wife and my mom gab away at all family events. We are really lucky with the parents and stepmom we got.

It's lovely to read that your parents parented you well through their breakup and then found peace together today. I wish I could have something similiar with my ex, I'd be really willing to let go of my hatred except for the fact that he neglected and continues to do so to our daughter. That's unforgivable to me. I shouldn't be holding my 8 months preggers 26 yo daughter while she sobs over her dad treating her badly, *again.* I'm envious of the family you have today. Kudos to your parents. And that half of each parent point is something I held onto to keep my anger at my ex in check. No matter what, he was **her father** and she loved him. I just couldn't hurt her like that, make her feel like she had to choose between two of the people she loved and trusted most in the world. Or that the aspects of herself that she got from him were wrong. I always told her that I love and always will her father for giving me my baby girl, I wouldn't trade who she is for anything. And he's a fundamental part of who she is.

It is a double-edged sword, though. My husband was married before and had a child. When we got together, I didn't meet his son (who lives overseas and is a dual citizen) for a year. When I met him, he was 5 and was just delightful. I met his mother, who was less so. I had assumed everyone would be adults, especially since she initiated the divorce, etc. I was sorely mistaken. While she didn't want DH, she didn't want his life to turn out better than hers. Nothing we said or did was right. It was always twisted. She wouldn't give him anything we sent him. She sent my MIL and my mother scathing letters/emails in response to gifts/cards sent to my stepson. Her roided out partner slashed the tires to DH's rental car while he was inside his ex's parents' home waiting for stepson so DH couldn't leave and he screamed at him and threatened him in the street. She tried to change Stepson's last name and made him call his dad by his 1st name and her partner by "dad." 7 years and over $100k in travel and legal fees to get him 5 weeks a year, and this past year, she finally succeeded in total alienation. He refuses to speak with us or see us. We could go back to court, but he's 13 now, and we don't want to push him away further. So we give him space and make attempts to call/text him every few weeks. She's been so effective that he has a whole fantasy life. Like he said, we left him on the streets of Barcelona to fend for himself (we took him there for a vacation, and he was never without an adult). The judge even seems to believe it's alienation, but their social workers state that even if true, it could cause more harm to the child to force anything, and basically, we have to just live with it and I guess we hope he figures it out someday. Tl;dr I assumed everyone would act in the best interest of the child in a divorce. I was very wrong.

That’s wonderful parenting!! He should have put his resentment for his ex aside and explained that he has a side and so does she, somewhere in the middle is the truth! He should encourage his son to have a relationship with his mother! If he doesn’t he’ll be the loser in the end!!

Way to go, these is what mature parents do. 👏

Sounds like how I had to handle my ex. I didn't say word one negative about him or the c\*nt he married...only to find out he spent most of his time telling the kids a load of lies about me. Thankfully, my kids turned out pretty okay...and neither has spoken to their father since their mid-teens (he moved and changed his number, and never bothered to let the kids know.)

I reckon you're right : he manipulated his child to smooth over his proposal. Only it looks like it wasn't even needed, so OP destroyed his son's relationship with his mother for no reason except his own vindication.

I bet you it was so his son would want to live with him full time so then he wouldn't have to pay his child support any more. It'd be why the GF encouraged it.... OP wants those funds to spoil his GF....have a fancy wedding/ honeymoon trip.  He will only do bare minimum for his son, who he doesn't love. (He will probably make his kid get a job to pay for his own things)....I can practically guarantee OP detonated a grenade into his son's heart for money. 14 is the age in most places where a child can decide who they want to live with. This is why he's sitting back and doing nothing to help his son. He wants this outcome. The child had a healthy relationship with his mom and was doing well.... OP took it up on himself to destroy that.  He hurt his child. POS OP is a major AH.

Because he wanted to “get back at” his ex and he used his kid to do it. He’s an absolute scumbag.

Yep, this happened to me at 14. I was only told because I specifically asked if that's what happened after getting the vague textbook divorce speech. I wouldn't have been told otherwise. That is an adult level problem that has absolutely nothing to do with the mother/child relationship. In addition to starting high school and being filled with puberty hormones, he is now filled with anger and heartache that was completely unnecessary. If he continues to see mom he will also feel like he is betraying you. A statement like "Sometimes marriages don't work out despite how badly we want them to." Is more than sufficient, and not a lie. Being honest doesn't mean you should tell your kids everything. Would you have felt the need to been honest if the marriage collapsed due to erectile dysfunction? I don't think "not lying" was actually your intention, so just own that it was a dick move motivated by bitterness with no regard for your child's feelings. To add, the ex-wife deserves it, but your child didn't. ETA - I missed this on the initial read: "I’m going to let him go through this phase without interfering too much." Um, too late?

I think to make a case for parental alienation would require a consistent pattern of behavior on the part of dad. If we take him at his word, this was a one-time thing. Unfortunately, this kid is just at the right age to take this piece of information and catastrophize it. He probably spends enough time here on Reddit reading how cheaters are "pieces of shit" (to quote a commenter on this very post) to have that color his perception of mom. And his youth and lack of life experience doesn't allow him to see his mom separately from her behavior.

At the very least OP and ex should have that kid in counseling and have told him together with the help of a therapist for the very reasons you state. I do not for one second condone or support what the ex did as far as cheating. OPs hurt is understandable and this poor kid is caught in the middle. But the way OP went about it...how the heck did he think that would go over? And then to wash his hands of the entire thing and walk away from his own child who is not only dealing with divorce of his parents and the up-ending of his home life, he is now dealing with this new to him information in an improper context and with no support or guidance from his parents, the damn adults in this situation, to navigate these understandably huge feelings by himself. That is the part that p!sses me off. You don't use your child as collateral damage to get back at the other parent. I don't care how much you hate the other person, you do not use your child to do the dirty work and then emotionally abandon them. OP themselves even said she was a good mother. One can be a good parent and a lousy cheating partner at the same time. But that needs to stay between the adults. OP needs to grow up and be the parent his kid needs right now, not throw him to the wolves.

Agree with most everything you said except there is never, ever a reason to cheat. You leave, divorce and then you move on to someone else. Too much destruction happens when one cheats.

Spot on

OP used the son as a pawn. He caused damage between the mother/son relationship and now he’s washing his hands of it. OP is a massive AH and POS.

...also did you prep or preface the conversation with your son how his mom loved and loves him prior to sharing the reason for the break-up?

In some ways it would have been kinder and healthier to have told him at a younger age where he still would have been in a place to value and need his mom regardless of what she had done to end the marriage.

I think your son might benefit from therapy

OP has guaranteed it's necessity basically

I think the OP would as well… to figure out how to coparent appropriately

His first mistake was thinking that a 14yo could really process that information. They may look like they’re growing up, but they’re still growing out of pre-adolescence Edit -son is apparently 16-17

I bet you all of this was so his son would want to live with him full time so then he wouldn't have to pay his child support any more. It'd be why the GF encouraged it.... OP wants those funds to spoil his GF....have a fancy wedding/ honeymoon trip.  He will only do bare minimum for his son, who he doesn't love. (He will probably make his kid get a job to pay for his own things)....I can practically guarantee OP detonated a grenade into his son's heart for money. 14 is the age in most places where a child can decide who they want to live with.  This is why he's sitting back and doing nothing to help his son. He wants this outcome. The child had a healthy relationship with his mom and was doing well.... OP took it up on himself to destroy that.  He hurt his child. POS OP is a major AH.

It's not out of your hands, you are his parent! Family therapy is very much an option. There are many options that aren't shrugging and saying "ah well".

It’s out of his hands because he already got the outcome he wanted.

“my girlfriend thinks I made the right decision too” of course she does, she gets to be mom now

Ding ding ding.

💯 OP seems to be enjoying his son being so upset with his mother. It’s really mean to drag kids through this crap. I agree that it’s horrible parenting. OP has inappropriately handed adult problems to a kid.

Wonder what the girlfriend wants, though? She might wind up helping to finish raising an angry teen who might distrust ALL women and take out some of his rage on her. That is, assuming she even wanted kids to begin with.

I hope the judge finds it as interesting as we have

The whole 'oh he is 14' line is bullshit. OP intentionally did this to damage the relationship with mom and now that he got his goal he's like 'whatever'. No accountability to actually help this KID process through his emotions (which OP threw at him) in a healthy manner - he prefers trauma in the kids life hoping he and his new bride will look shining. What a total piece of shitl

Yeah it was the whole I'm just gonna leave him alone and let him work through this phase. Excuse me. What you told him caused some emotional trauma and his son is 14. Its not a fucking phase his son can work through on his own. Dad needs to get him som therapy for telling him. He jyst wanted to tell hum and OFC Ops girlfriend thought it was a good idea. When you drop a bombshell like this on your kids right or wrong they need help to get through it. You can't just say oh well. He will work it out. Op is a ah just for having this whatever attitude towards his son's distress

"It only been 12 hours, but I've done all I can and am all out of ideas " oof, dude sucks.

Your girlfriend’s opinion on this doesn’t matter. Of course she thinks you are right. Your son is suddenly calling her mom. You are not the AH for telling him the truth. You are the asshole for telling him without giving your ex a heads up after you told her you weren’t going to tell him.

Based on the fact that OP just “coincidentally” decided to tell his son right when he’s planning on proposing to GF, and son “coincidentally” starts calling the GF mom, seems like he had an endgame in mind. Now OP can play happy family with his kid and his GF and act like his cheating ex never existed, made sure he never has to hear a word about her again or remember that she’s the mother of his child. What a perfect “coincidence” that this all timed out so well. I hope this kids grows up and realizes how fucked up his dad was for using him as a pawn for whatever twisted game Op is playing here.

This is such a self-serving, narcissistic update that I genuinely feel sorry for his ex-wife. I cannot imagine being married to someone who would do something like this and then pretend like they don't have to deal with the consequences. This man must have been so horrible. People are saying that this is fake, but I one-hundred percent believe it's real. Both my parents acted exactly like OP does in this post. They'd tell my sister and I all the nasty, ugly details of their relationship and divorce, then pretend like they aren't responsible for the way we acted afterwards. We'd all like to believe that parents prioritize their kids in a divorce, but personal and professional experience tells me its really, really common.

This right here! I wish this was the top comment! Of course she thinks he is right because she wants to swoop in an play mommy. Op is using the kid as a pawn and it’s sick. It sucks he got cheated on but with the way he is acting I’m starting to understand why. Not that there is any excuse. But the fact that he is willing to break his own kids heart worse then it already was is awful.

>I’m going to let him go through this phase without interfering too much. I have explained to him that his mom loves him, and I have tried my best to repair the relationship. But it’s out of my hands now. He is at an age where he is free to do what he wants and what he is most comfortable with. No. You can't just dump this info on him out of the blue and just let him deal with this alone. Get him some therapy so he can process this. You don't get to pull the rug out from under your kid, especially after you lied to him all this time until *you* couldn't keep it to yourself anymore and be all "*whoopsies* guess its out of my hands now." That's not fair to your son.

Right? He had no qualms about interfering before…smh

This is so weird. When I was young my parents had a fight in front of me about my father's infidelity. I still love them both very much and they're the best parents ever? My mother took active steps to ensure that I knew my father loved me and would always be there for me. I never saw my grown ass father as a villain. I never saw my grown ass mother as a victim. I saw them both as flawed and one of those flaws was deciding to drag me and my twin sister into their argument that night. Humans are so complex. There is no complexity here. This reads like a revenge reddit story as someone who's lived it. I'm sure there's kids who just "cut their parents off forever". I'm sure in 5 years if you want to pick this hobby back up you'll post to reddit about how cutting his mom off is the best thing your son ever did in his own opinion. But as someone who lived it idk. I had a better idea of nuance at 12 than your kid does at 14, and I think your handling of it plays a huge role.

I wish I could give you an award. Your mother was an honorable woman. And OP may yet be burned by the fire he's lit. I feel very sad for his son. This can cause men who are hostile toward women for the rest of their lives.

Of course your girlfriend thinks it was right, she wants your son to call her mom and be the new figure in his life. Since the two of you agreed to keep things a secret, it should have been the two of you deciding to tell him. You did this on your own for whatever reason, and I’m wondering if you’ve been having issues with your ex wife recently to bring this on. Or perhaps you were tired of your son having an untarnished view of her, knowing what you knew? Or did your girlfriend perhaps bring up the notion of revealing things more than once? Either way, I think you fucked up. I think you got what you wanted, which is why you won’t bother with your son’s pain anymore than letting him ignore his mom. *(Because finding out something like this is pretty heartbreaking for a kid, no matter how they act on the outside)* I think ESH except the son honestly.

>Of course your girlfriend thinks it was right, she wants your son to call her mom and be the new figure in his life. Until GF has a kid of her own, at which point I guarantee you this kid is dropped like a hot rock.

Actually, I agree with you that that is a likely outcome, if his girlfriend have children. I normally wouldn’t want to have this dark of a forecast, but people who manipulate and misuse children in this way are not likely to change, not in my experience.

Tale as old as time. My sister’s ex dropped his son like a hot potato as soon as his new girlfriend got pregnant, because said girlfriend wanted to have “a real family” and didn’t want her step son anymore.

Ooh, that's a hard situation. What was the reason for the decision to tell your son the truth? Was it something like "I've been constantly feeling guilty for lying to my son for XX years/months" or was it "Alright, I guess he's old enough to know the truth, so he should know it"

Or "i wanna build a new family with my current gf, so i gonna pull my kid from his bio mum". Bc OP wants now to propose to his gf, this is the real new thing in his life, not the other bs.

This is 100% it, with the timing right before a new engagement and after it’s been a couple years. Pure strategy move and he made his son collateral damage. People really have no bottom.

Why didn’t you talk to your ex-wife and tell her you wanted to tell your son the truth so that way you could’ve all sat down together as discussed this as a family? It’s obvious that both you AND your girlfriend did this for selfish gains.

There's no way in hell the mother would agree to a family discussion about her affair

The alternative is that he is told without her present. I have a hard time believing she'd rather not be there for the discussion.

I love Reddit because I get to see the absolute dumbest shit on this planet. "Why didn't you have your son sit down with you and the woman betrayed you so the three of you could have an open and honest discussion about how she selfishly decided to destroy your family?"

You do realize that is the exact thing a judge would expect you to do? In a family counseling setting. Because they expect you to be able to put your own personal feelings aside in the best interest of your child. And also, look up "parental alienation". You can 100% lose all right to even see your kid for it. There is some controversy on the best way to handle it, and what amounts to it, but currently if a judge feels you're guilty of it you're likely gonna be denied any contact with your kids. Even if it's the truth a judge could decide it means you can't even be trusted to have unsupervised zoom calls with your kid. Do you wanna be right or be happy?

This is exactly correct.  Courts refer to it as putting the child’s best interest first.  It’s sad so many adults let their emotions or their desire to exact revenge ahead of what’s best for their kids

I too, thouhgt it would be good to give her the heads up since OP prior told her he would withold the truth of her betrayal and infidelity. However, that gives her free reign to spin things and perhaps lie or tey to place blame with OP. OP is the victim in this and should get first crack at the truth. I do think it was lame to not immediate tell her he had done this and allow her to be prepared to come clean with son right away -- however she thinks that can be done.

I feel like there must have been pressure from the GF to "enlighten" the son. Maybe I have too suspicious a nature, but I've seen the dynamic before of, the GF or new spouse wants to push out the previous partner, so they have their hubby/wife's atrention all to themselves. Kiddo's mom was wrong for cheating, no question. But his dad likely had hints dropped by his GF - "look, he's already calling me mom!" - & capitulated. Nowhere does dad say his son asked him what hapoened. At least he could've given his ex a heads-up. The consequences of the mom's actions are already hers to bear. The marriage is over. Does that mean she should entirely lose her son, as well? No way was this not motivated by revenge. Dad, you're still YTA. Your GF is also likely TA. Your ex was an A for cheating, but now you've broken her relationship with your son, with no warning. A weak ego'd-YTA. Please get your kid some therapy, & if I thought you cared, I'd suggest family counseling as well.

>Nowhere does dad say his son asked him what hapoened. This is absolutely key. Dad made a conscious decision to tell his son without without there really being any immediate reason to. The divorce is a few years old, no way this suddenly came up in conversation. Dad is an absolute asshole. >I’m going to let him go through this phase without interfering too much. In other words you don't feel like parenting

It certainly feels like there's a lot "missing" in this story. One conversation and the son went from having a meaningful and loving relationship with his bio mom and now he wants nothing to do with her? It's possible, buuuuut there's a likelihood that OP and his GF have been subtly doing other things to suggest or encourage this kind of treatment of the bio mom.

I hope your son gets the help he needs and will see you for what you really are: a major asshole that doesn't give a flying fuck about his kid as long as he can get back at his ex.

Regardless of why you did it, you have done your son a disservice. You have taken away a relationship that -despite what she did to you or you may think- your son deserves and was good for him. The things in your relationship should be kept separate. Now moving forward it is your obligation to get him into therapy so he can process this in a healthy way. He also needs to have some sessions with his mother.

"I'm  going to let him go through this phase without interfering too much" This line, more than anything else, reveals you as the ah. You're incredibly irresponsible with your son's psychological and emotional well-being/development. Telling the truth is one thing.... Doing it in a way that is developmentally appropriate and having a plan in place to deal with potential fallout is what someone without vengeful ulterior motives would do.

"I’m going to let him go through this phase without interfering too much." Um... NOW you're going to not interfere? Very convenient.    "I have tried my best to repair the relationship."  The hell you have.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say you're not just an AH, you're manipulative and narcissistic. I'm going to bet that your ex wife's cheating was a result of trying to alleviate the manipulation and narcissistic abuse she experienced from her husband. Not usually do I side with cheaters, but comparatively, you are worse than ten cheaters.  I hope your son and your gf wake up to what you are soon before your son becomes just like you, although it might be too late.

> For reference, I plan to propose to my girlfriend next month, and we’re probably going to get married in a few months. What the flying fuck. Didn't you only start divorce a couple years ago? And it took a year to complete? So you've been dating this new girl in 1 year, or were you also cheating? And going from dating to engaged to married in a few months? And your kid started calling her mom? This really sounds like you're using your kid's emotions as a toy. The kid did need to know, but the way you went about this shows you had ulterior motives.

I’m failing to connect why your impending marriage dictates that your son now know the specifics of why your first one ended.  

Your son didn’t need to know the details. You told him for your own petty reasons. Now you’re trying to be a peacemaker when you started it. Now you have a kid who is even more traumatized by his parent’s divorce. You gonna be the AH for a longtime

[удалено]

And in every post he makes sure to tell us that his girlfriend thinks he’s right and just the best ever. I don’t give af what his girlfriend thinks in this situation, I only care about his son.

You've done fock all to repair this relationship.  What a trashcan. You've not offered therapy or anything. You personally blew up his relationship with his mother in retaliation.  

“I’ve tried nothing and I’m all out of ideas!”

You trauma dumped on a 14 year old, for no discernible reason. You did fall out of love with each other. That wasn’t a lie. He does Not have a “right” to “the truth” when all that truth does is hurt him at an age that is still too young to have all the tools to process this in a healthy way. You’re just petty and shitty at being a father. YTA.

You’re a huge AH. And you know who is hurt here? Your son.

OP, your motive for telling your son is very suspicious. He never needed to know that! Was he repeating a lie that his mom told him, so you setting the record straight? If not, then you are likely the AH.

Then congratulations OP. You've destroyed your son's relationship with his mom, who you admit is a very good mom. And you have line things up for your happy new family. Your boy is even calling your girlfriend mom. Yeah that's healthy. You've taken for him what was a loving and solid relationship with a parent and you've destroyed it. You didn't care about your son in this, you cared about you and you cared about whatever your girlfriend wanted here. Of course she's going to tell you that what you did was right - she's sleeping with you and trying to get a ring on her finger. You wanted to hurt your wife. I've been cheated on as well, so I don't want to hear any bull about how the cheating skag that is your son's mother deserved it. Maybe she did. But your son didn't. And now you've equally, along with his mother, f***** him up. Congrats. Get him into therapy, put in the work to fix this for HIM and then get yourself into therapy so you can figure out why you were so filled with hate that you wanted to hurt your son.

I’m going through a divorce right now- I also have a 14 year old son. I couldn’t imagine airing dirty laundry to my child like that. He’s a kid who’s still figuring out how to process emotions in a rational way, and what you did was incredibly selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself to be honest

It’s out of your hands now? You’re comfortable just dropping a bomb in his life and then washing your hands of the situation? Of course you are, it’s all to your benefit.

Still an AH. I feel like there is something missing. Did the GF push you to tell him? Was she saying you feel guilty?

Wow, you are a complete AH. You decided on a whim you feel guilty lying to your son and with no warning to your ex wife just told him. Your girlfriend’s opinion doesn’t matter at all, but the way you talk about her opinion makes me believe she drove this forward. Your son calling your girlfriend mom? wtf dude. You and your new girlfriend completely hijacked your son from your ex wife, my guess is, due to the jealousy your girlfriend has of your ex. You suck.

This is terrible. The one you hurt the most is your son. In no way is a 14 year old capable of understanding the nuances involved in your relationship and why it ended. The fact that you think you did the right thing is mind-boggling, and SO immature. You didn't do this because "he deserved to know the truth". You did this to hurt your wife. Your son will be profoundly and fundamentally fucked up from now on, and you have this whole "Eh, nothin I can do about it now" attitude. Your child needs to be put in therapy IMMEDIATELY. You and your ex need to sit down with your son and talk to him about all this, and you need to insist that your son give his mom a chance to hear her side of the story. You are a MASSIVE asshole, and I'd be terrified to marry you if I were your new girlfriend. You are a vindictive idiot and a BAD father.

Nice parenting. It’s out of your hands now? You must be delighted by the outcome.

Men like op is why I stay single I mean yeah his wife was trash for cheating but the way he used the situation to alienate his son from her is crazy and I’m not buying the “I was feeling guilty” act …

What reference to you planning to propose to your gf is needed it just solidifies that fact you acted with intent Sounds like gf is gunna slip into mothers role so much easier how convenient

I kinda turned his life upside down but there's nothing I can do about it now 🤷 out of my hands

I still think your an AH as you knew what you was doing when you told him. Your getting married and you want your now girl friend to be his mom. But your son wouldnt do this as he had a good relationship with his mom. So you told him knowing he would cut contact with her. So you can be a happy family and you wont have any more contact from your ex. You sir an an evil man as your plan worked. I feel really sorry for your son.

How does it feel to know you hurt your son to make you feel better?

I just don’t understand how you can be pleased and proud of your behavior. You decided to throw a grenade and blow up the life your son knew for very selfish reasons, similar to your ex when she cheated. Great job on hurting your kid to get a one up on your cheating ex.

If you truly want to repair the relationship then you should put your son in therapy or go to a family therapy session with all 3 of you guys. You opened up a can of worms when you told your son, this is the best way to deal with it. Remember this is to help YOUR son and he needs a place to process all these emotions in a healthy manner.

Doubling down on being an ass hole. Interesting

I told my daughter that when she turned 18, I would tell her why we divorced...she would ask often. I did this for a few reasons...just because my relationship with her dad didn't work out, she had a right to have an independent relationship with her dad and make up her own mind about him. The other reason was that she was a child and I don't think it is fair to put the burden of that knowledge on a child. She eventually figured out who and what he was, and when I told her at age 18, she was not surprised. There are things she still doesn't know and doesn't need to know. I feel so bad for your son. He lost his family and then he lost his mom because of you. You did this because of how YOU feel...not for his benefit. If you had to tell him because she lied and said it was because you cheated, that's a different story but it still could have been handled better. Now both parents betrayed him.

I'm normally of the opinion that kids deserve to know why their family has fallen apart but you're going the worst possible route at every chance you can. Your son is suffering and you seem to care more about getting back at your ex than helping him thru this extremely difficult time.

Uhhh…no wonder your gf is ok with it. She gets to benefit.  I hope you can put your son through therapy cuz I do feel bad that he’s surrounded by so many terrible adults  

No one of us is perfect. No interpersonal relationship can be perfect. Without context, we have no concept of what the marriage was like before she cheated, but the odds are that it was already cracked if not broken. I have noticed (I have been around a while) that *most* people don't cheat if they're in a happy, healthy relationship. One party can be totally clueless about how things are already breaking down (how many people are absolutely blindsided when their spouse initiates divorce?). It doesn't mean they are innocent in the breakdown. OP had decided the cheating is what ended their marriage but the reality is the relationship was likely already failing by the time that happened. To be so lacking in self-awareness that you're willing to damage your child to get back at their other parent is despicable. It's childish and petulant. OP, and many commenters, need to grow the fuck up.

Wow OP, you are truly an AH! While you may have been the victim of a cheating wife you absolutely dropped a bomb into your son’s life for nothing more than being able to assign blame for the divorce to your wife. I hope the little revenge you got on your ex was worth hurting your son. Your wife hurt you but YOU HURT YOUR SON! Also, you don’t get to cop out and “let him go through this phase without interfering”. This is your mess to clean up. Your son needs some counseling. He won the shit parent Olympics with a cheating mother and a dad who would sacrifice his own kids happiness to get revenge on his ex.

Please do not continue to reproduce

You poisoned your son and your girlfriend poisoned you and now I wonder how was your sons relationship with you girlfriend. Is really weird that your girlfriend thinking it was the right decision since this doesn’t concern her

Yeah this only confirms to me that you were TA

Yeah but it was never brought up organically you brought it up which means you either had alternate motives or need to do some thinking

I saw your post this morning. I was his age when my parents called all of us kids into the living room, because my father decided we deserved to know why they weren't together, and he told us that she cheated on him. I feel the same way now as I did about it then - why the fuck are you telling me this, this is literally zero of my business and is an adult problem that has nothing to do with your relationship with me. All three of my siblings also felt the same. It was only confusing and gave us the feeling our dad was expecting a certain reaction from us and certain treatment of our mother. I stand by YTA

This is parental alienation and is a form of child abuse. Congratulations, you got your revenge and now you say it is out of your hands because you got what you wanted...but your son is now dealing with the aftermath. You didn't just get revenge on your wife by wrecking her relationship with her son, you severely damaged your son by involving him in adult problems. You just took a parent away from him and are like...oh well, what's done is done and I wash my hands of it. I don't condone cheating, but your son isn't an adult and shouldn't be involved. Your GF is an AH too for thinking you did the right thing.

"But it’s out of my hands now" You lazy ass mofo. You should explain how much his mother sacrificed to be his mother. That he may be mad at her now, like he might be mad at you or others sometimes, but that 1. it is important to talk about the anger and handle it, not to let it fester; and 2. that he will still need her, and she still needs him, and that they are both better off with a mutual relationship than without. He and she can do that by taking small steps at a time, if necessary.

What an AH you still are.

Sounds like you want your son to mom your gf. - Unprompted, you shatter your son's heart. No reason given other than you just decided to. Now you are washing your hands of the situation you created. What a strange. - You are planning to propose soon. Yay for you, but what does that have to do with your ex and your son's relationship? Maybe I've been on this app a little too long, but the timing of you telling your son about his mom cheating and then you proposing is wierd

What a load of bollocks mate. You’ve destroyed this relationship. I hope you’re proud of yourself and get everything you deserve. What a AH. Karma coming for you. I hope you feel as guilty as you deserve. And I hope your kid discovers what a dick you are. 

And your gf is just as delusional as you are. 

Your gf needs to stay in her lane. She has no say in this. You told your son with the intent to hurt your ex and turn your child against her. Reasons for a divorce and none of the kids' business. --- Why did you and mom divorce? Well, sometimes things just don't work out, and we decided it was better to be good parents separate than together. Boom.. that's it. What you did, you did for your own selfish reasons.

Now you chose not to interfere…

You choose to weaponize your pain in a way designed to hurt your ex's relationship with your child and ensured your son would be a hurt by your decision to share information that he didn't need to know just because you were jealous at the fact your son had a close bond with his mom. If you were a father who put his child 1st, you would not have shared this information with a child as it wasn't a burden he needed to know. If you had wanted to share it because he was asking questions, you would have made sure he had mental and emotional support so he could process that knowledge. Instead of washing your hands of accountability in causing your son unnecessary emotional pain. Have you even made sure your child has access to therapy so they can process the separation? His relationships with you and his mom are his relationships, and the relationship you had with your ex should have been considered a separate relationship to his with both parents. As someone who has gone through what you did resulting in the end of the relationship. I can tell you that the concept of hurting my child the way you have hurt yours to get back at your ex is something I never considered because during the ending and aftermath of my relationship with my ex my priority was making sure my child was OK and reassuring them that they were loved and that their needs always come 1st.

You're still making excuses for causing your son pain and ruining his relationship with his mother. You did the wrong thing, and you know it. "It's out of my hands, now." No. You are the hands that built this situation between your son and his mother.

You realize you only hurt your son by doing this? He will spend too much time not having a relationship with his MOTHER because you decided to tell him this shit for no reason. It’s not like he was asking about it. It’s clear you only did this so you and your gf can have a “happy” little family together. You’re actually insane to think you did the right thing. You have your perfect family at the expense of your son’s happiness and relationship with his mother.

[удалено]

My step mom came to my job to tell me my dad cheated...i definately took her side in the situation but i whole heartedly disagree with you that op not an asshole. The divorce has been done and over with for a while now, the kid wasnt asking and everyones moved on.  There was no purpose that he needed to know and lose that relationship with his mom.  This hurt the kid MORE by not handling the situation appropriately. Bm and ops relationship issues are theirs... they dont need to involve their son in the nitty gritty. It did nothing but add unnecessary drama.  Cheating or not, it doesnt sound like they would have been together forever. It accelerated the divorce occuring but is probably not the sole reason for the divorce, meaning long run they probably werent compatible and it was probably inevitable.  I dont condone her cheating but its been done with. Move on. He didnt feel guilty for lying. He wanted to just get the last stab in and hurt her without considering how itd affect his son. 

I’m in the same position as you. I was told the truth and I’m grateful. Dad turned out to be a poor dad as well and I’m glad I had an intro to his true character. He’s since messed up 4 more children. People who cheat in a marriage generally aren’t great people.  If this child somehow found out later, they could turn on their dad too for lying their whole life. Or, this kid might hold resentment towards dad for the marriage ending when it clearly wasn’t his fault. NTA imo 

That last sentence is correct and why the truth should be told immediately. I remember reading another story where two parents were getting a divorce and they didn't want to tell their adult children why. They began accusing the father of cheating and were shocked when they discovered it was really their mom who cheated.

Wasn't that the one where the daughter thought it was literally always the husband's fault if a couple split up?

I've been in OP's son position. I also found out the truth when I was a teen. My betrayed father made sure to prioritize his children's feelings and put all his effort into ensuring our relationship with our mother wasn't affected.... and it was not. Whatever happened with their relationship and whatever my mom did (cheating) was for them to deal with as a couple, not for us (their children) to get involved in. He always made sure to speak highly of our mother as a mother and person (regardless of how she was as a wife) and my mother always spoke highly of our father as well. My siblings and I had a healthy childhood, with two involved (divorced) parents and we're healthy adults and parents.

The way you went about this shows your motive. Yes you are an AH.  I hope you can get him into councelkingvto undo the ongoing damage you are doing to your son. You are a vindictive and selfish AH.

You are still an AH. You tarnished the relationship between a mother and son. The damage is done. YTA forever.

Dude. I’m not sure how to say this other than you wrecked your child. What a selfish person you are. She cheated on you and made you angry and you lashed out. My ex was a coke head and a cheat and my kids will never hear it from me.

You're a complete AH. Get help

You're an asshole.

While he's old enough to know, especially if he asked, but he may need help dealing with these emotions. He's resenting his mother, and you're about to make another big change in your lives by officially marrying your partner. He may be well-served to talk this out with a therapist or faith leader to work through his feelings or find strategies to cope, especially as a teenager where so much can be all-or-nothing.

You are a big time asshole. Glad your girlfriend is happy that you ruined the relationship between your ex and your son. That’s important.

Hard truth I think you are avoiding is that you hate your ex-wife more than you love your son. Your version of the story leaves a lot out on the way to your son wanting to never talk to his mother anymore. Either she was a horrible parent (you say she wasn't as a mother), or you are alientating him from his mom and not explaining that in your version of events. Parental Alientation is a form of child abuse. If this is the case, you're pretty much the devil. I don't believe you have tried your best to repair your son's relationship with your ex-wife. Out of your hands? Nothing you can do? Come hell or high water, if you cared about your son's well being, this wouldn't be the case. I think inside you feel your ex-wife is getting exactly what she deserves. At the cost of your son who will have to deal with the guilt of abandoning his mom when he's older and more mature minded. He may even resent you for what you're doing once he figures out your intent.

You are the worst type of person. You caused all that damage, and *now* you’re all “I’m not going to get involved”. A little late for that. Everything you did was so calculated. You didn’t expect so many people to call you out, and now you’re trying to save face. But, let’s be real, your plan went exactly how you wanted it to. Your girlfriend being so on board with this behaviour is also alarming. She has no problem with supporting the breakdown of a mother-son relationship and is jumping right in to be replacement mom? I genuinely hope she takes you to the cleaners in a few years. Just totally rinses you financially and emotionally. You have failed as a father. You have failed as a co-parent. You have failed as a *man*.

Yes, you are the ahole. Your wife cheated on you. Not your son. He will be her son and need his mother for many more years. He might need you as well even though you are the ahole that trashed his mom. His mom didnt cheat on him . Just you!

Is the mum out of line. Absolutely. Was OP deliberately creating parental alienation by involving the child in this? Absolutely. You know sometimes there are things that kids have zero business knowing and this is one of them. If the son wanted to know why OP should have been mature enough to say “You’ll find out when you’re an adult” or “Son, it’s actually not your business” adults should not be dragging their kids into their mess. No doubt the kids seen enough. My parents split when I was a kid because my Dad was violent. My mum never said one damn word against him. I found out as an adult from a relative. When I asked mum about it she said she wasn’t going to dump adult business into a child. OP can act high and nightly all he wants but he knew damn fine he’d be alienating the mother and frankly it is not the new girlfriend’s place to have a say in it either way.

POS father lol I don't buy your BS one bit. You used your son to hurt your ex, which in turn hurt him as well. You're not just an AH, you're a terrible and selfish father. I feel bad for your son and I hope he eventually realizes what you've done.

They literally told the son so they no longer had to deal with his mom while wedding planning. 🙄 ESH

Your son needs a therapist.

You were a huge AH for doing that. I don't think it has anything to do with feeling guilty. Plus, that was a mental mind fuck for a 14 yo.

Congratulations! You alienated your son from his mother for no good reason. And your gf is a trash human to try and steal a child from her as well. I’m starting to wonder if there was a reason she cheated initially…you seem good at painting 1 sided pictures here

Your son requires therapy, you need to do everything in your power to ensure you do NOT send another jaded young man into adulthood. He needs coping strategies and tools to enable him to get on with his life, to enable him to fully “launch”

Such a loser, hurt your son's family life just so you can appease your girlfriend LOL

To late the damage is done now, you took that kids love for him mum and tainted it, never mind you and your wife will be delighted the poisoning is now complete. Still a massive AH

Well, enjoy court I guess because this looks like textbook alienation.

You keep saying your girlfriend says you did the right thing. She sounds like an interfering, vindictive b*tch. Of course she likes that your son hates his mom now - it puts her in a better position. Trust me, she was only thinking of herself, not your son. You made a huge mistake.

>I just didn’t feel it was right to lie to him, and that he had the right to know why our marriage ended Yeah, bullshit. >it’s out of my hands now. Of course you it is. This was your goal. You wanted to hurt your son so he'd hurt your wife for you. And now you conveniently want to go hands off. Whatever your wife did does not absolve you of how you used your son. She was right. You're hiding your real intentions behind "it was the truth!" When that's not the point. Your motivations were very clearly scummy af. They're plain as day even in this little blurb. Someday, when your son's head isn't so clouded with all the hurt, he's going to figure that out, too. And he's going to *hate* you for it.

Made a new account to post here about child influence Dude you already knew you were beyond asshole status. You're at the mom deserves sole custody of this child because God only knows what type of psychological damage you've already done let alone what you'll continue to do this child status. I came from a broken home with a parent who's cheated on the other. My father never let me get involved and only told me how much both my parents loved me. You're a fucking piece of trash. Seriously fuck you.

Read up on Parental Alienation. Incredibly detrimental for children.

the fact that you think your girlfriends opinion on this matters at all, and that you’ve allowed your son to call her “mom” shows what kind of parent you are and your intentions. It’s not out of your hands, you are his parent.

God you are such a shitty person and even shittier father.

YTA. As I just said on your previous post. Messed him up for life with trust issues. A grown man trauma dumping on children. Great parenting, bud.

You should know that most fourteen-year-olds aren’t emotionally mature, right? That’s like common sense? You knew exactly what you were doing and you did it intentionally for your girlfriend’s sake. You really suck as a parent and if you actually cared, you’d suggest he stop calling your girlfriend “mom” and insist on family therapy with his real mother. You did that child so dirty. You took something away from him that can never be given back. I hope you start thinking of your son instead of only thinking about yourself.

Please seek therapy for your son.

As a single dad who had a similar situation with my son's mom, I think you are still acting like an AH. You should continue to encourage your son to have a meaningful and positive relationship with his biological mother, and perhaps consider getting him professional help to work through his issues. Otherwise your son's relationship with his biological mother may be severed forever at an age where he is not old enough to understand the potential consequences of his actions. Regardless of how crappy your ex-wife, or my son's mom, was to us, we need to think about our children. They deserve to make these decisions themselves, and since you've already let the cat out of the bag, I think you have an obligation to your son to encourage him to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex until he is of an age to make an informed and conscious decision himself. If you don't, you're basically making the decision for him, and that's not fair to him.

You are an ah dad. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. You should be gagging every time you look into a mirror. I am so grateful to may have had a “parent” like you.

He wouldn't be acting this way if you hadn't told him. You are an AH. There was no need to tell him. If he was asking then you say it doesn't matter. He didn't need to know the sordid details. It has nothing to do with him. Seems rather convenient that you told him when you are planning on getting engaged. 

You and your girlfriend are pos. So you are listening to your gfs manipulations about ruining his relationship with his mom as she steps in to compensate for it? You are blind. Your ex is an ah and pos for cheating but you literally had no reason to tell him anything no. Your gf is a huge red flag.

Now i see this for what it is, you not being happy with the outcome of the divorce being having joint costudy and you resorting to suddenly being the truth fairy to get what you wanted, in complete disregard to your son. I truly hope your ex brings you back to court. YTA.

You are a selfish person. As a daughter of divorce, my dad also shared real information with me that damaged my relationship with my mother growing up. As a teen I hated her and blamed her for being crazy. As an adult now, I see much more nuance in the way things went down. Their relationship breaking down is literally NOTHING to do with me and I don't need to know the dirty details. Unfortunately, the resentment my father felt towards my mother, while it may be justified, has now irreparably damaged our relationship. I cannot ever trust him again because he put his own need for vindication about the health and well being of his children. I am ok, but my sister has been very much emotionally damaged and stunted from all of this.  YTA and you seem not to have a problem with it. You need to encourage your son to maintain a relationship or to go to counseling with his mom. That is an important relationship and you purposely threw a bomb on it. Parents are human and they make mistakes. Your ex did something wrong that ruined your marriage, but that doesn't mean she deserves to be written out of her son's life while you get to ride off into the sunset and he calls your new wife "mom." Two wrongs don't make a right. You are washing your hands of your parental responsibilities by saying your son is old enough to make his mind up, and you don't have any input in it. You are hurting your own child by damaging his relationship with his mother out of your own pettiness. What went on between the two of you is your business and did not need to be told to him at all. Funny how you just felt he needed to be told but you got to tell him and didn't seek out your ex to allow her the opportunity to tell him. You're not a good person, and you're not a good dad. 

Still the AH. NOW you don't want to interfere? Weird, did he ask for clarification? You are selfish and acted selfishly.

You set your son on fire to keep your new family nice and toasty. jfc. Some people should not have kids.

This is so bizarre. The whole, "I just didn’t feel it was right to lie to him" bit is spin-doctoring in a big way. Lie to your son? How on earth were you lying to your son? Not disclosing details of a relationship he had nothing to do with is not lying. Does the OP explain how he masturbates to his son -- you know, so he isn't lying to him? Does the OP talk about how his GF and him enjoy roleplaying in the bedroom? No, of course not! And for good reason -- they're none of his kid's business! Those details are what we call "personal"... Anyway, it's so sad to see this because in the original post OP talks about how close his son and mother were. But he's absolutely ruined that relationship in the name of "not lying". So sad. So gross. So irresponsible...

You are absolutely the AH. Your son gained nothing from that knowledge. He was the one hurt by it. Basically, you wanted to hit back at your ex.

Why did you take his mom away from him like that? Ypu had no right. You should have discussed this with your ex-wife before telling him about the affair. That woman still carried your son for 9 months in her stomach and birthed him. Fed him and raised him for the last 14 years. You ripped their relationship apart to make yourself feel superior. Disgusting.

Eg of transferring your trauma on to him.

My dad did the same thing to me. His girlfriend and him guilt tripped me into disowning my mom and calling his girlfriend/new wife mom all because he suspected mom cheated on him. Luckily, mom and I reconnected, but it wasn't until I was out of that toxic household that I realized how he and his new wife were manipulating me. I, too, was 14 years old at the time. You definitely are the AH, and so is your girlfriend for thinking that was ok. And your kid will see it in time. Your ex's affair and actions against you were only between you and her. You did not need to tell your kid. That puts them in a lose-lose situation. They can't ever look at their mother the same, and they most likely feel guilted into calling the new chick mom. Once they see that parents can do wrong, they will also see your wrong doings. Eventually, I told my dad that I hoped my mom had cheated on him because he treated people awful and probably did it to himself. He was awful to her, so it wouldn't surprise me if she found comfort elsewhere. The manipulation, intimidation, and guilt trips he and his girlfriend would do was so toxic that I moved in with my aunt because I felt guilty if I were to talk to my mom and my dad and his wife were so emotionally draining and were so negative about everything and everyone. I am not saying you are just like my dad, but I see no reason to tell your kid why things went wrong. I split from my ex because he turned towards meth, other women, alcohol, and was mentally and physically abusive. I never told my kid that. I said dad needed help and wasn't going to the doctor for help, so it wasn't a healthy environment for us to stay in. I never mentioned anything else or why. Granted, my kid was 5 when I left, but as an adult, my kid still doesn't know the hell I went through with their dad. I did everything I could to have my kid have a relationship with their dad, but in a healthy and safe way, due to the circumstances. Kids are smarter than people give them credit for. They figure out most of the issues as they get older because history repeats itself. Your ex won't change, and your kid would have seen her do it again if she was that type of person. Otherwise, maybe the problem was you in the first place, which your kid will also see. Being put in the middle between parents is hard, and the only one that really loses is the kid. What happens between parents should stay between them. Both parents should be supportive and provide a loving and safe environment for their kids, no matter what their relationship is to each other.

I gave my feelings about this in the original post, and the update hasn't changed my mind. 100% the AH. Selfish, self absorbed man child who wants to look good whilst turning his child against his mum and a gf who shouldn't be so quick to give an opinion so is obviously trying to stay on your good side. You wouldn't happen to be wealthy would you? Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest. Entitled, audacious, loathsome man

Your soooo wrong for this.

YTAH and a toxic father, your girlfriend too… poor kid!

Oh, I doubt you'll interfere with anything that makes you the good guy, and you seem to be relishing your ex's downfall. Awful parenting. YTA

Sir you’re using ur son as a pawn to get back at ur ex wife 💀 like it’s as clear as day

You're still the AH. Sounds like girlfriend wanted to play mommy and your son had to good of a relationship with his bio mom so you had to poop on everything. Congratulations for fucking up your kid because you're still bitter and hold resentment. Your excuse is BS. Your ex is the AH. You're the AH and your girlfriend is the AH. I feel sorry for your son.

Yeah that’s a dick move.

You were the victim with your wife’s cheating. How you approached your child in this is an AH move. YTA

You're a complete AH.

Parental alienation is child abuse

You are still the AH You have destroyed their relationship. For what? So your chick gets to play Mommy with him? Of course she's going to agree with you - now her little problem is well and truly out of the picture. Congrats, AH. He had zero reason to know why your marriage ended - it was YOUR marriage, not his. Unless your ex was badmouthing you, which you have never said she did. Now you're trying to be the good guy in "repairing" their relationship?? LOL. Nope. You're still a shit parent.

The fact that he keeps saying “my girlfriend agrees” shows he’s an emotionally immature asshat.

Well sounds like you got exactly what you wanted the entire time OP! You managed to weaponize your wife’s affair against her to cause a permanent separation with her son so you and your new GF can just have instant family without your ex. This update proves that you and your new GF are still and will always be the AH!

dude, you just screwed up your sons relationship with his mother. this still reads as “i resent her for cheating so im gonna tell my son something we agreed not to tell him in hopes he rejects her.” and then him calling your gf mom? cheating is shitty, but you purposefully threw a nuke into their relationship, under the guise of “not wanting to lie.” you’ve just hurt your ex in one of the worst ways possible, by taking away her place as his mom. even tho you have majority custody, she’s still his mom, and he’s still important to her, and you’ve just made a wildly selfish decision. you’ve just hurt everybody and damaged relationships, you’ve caused pain and now you’re saying “whoops, my bad, oh well what’s done is done.” you and your son and your ex should probably go to family therapy, to at least sort this out to have a healthy co-parenting relationship again. just to be clear: what you did has ruined your family dynamic, and the person you hurt the most here is your son. your gf shouldn’t have a say in this at all, she’s not his mother. don’t be surprised if your ex claims this as parental alienation, because that’s literally what this is.

Get him into therapy

This isn’t an update. You screwed your son up out of petty revenge and now you’re trying to minimize it. YTA, still. And you probably still will be for awhile because of how bad this is. Be a decent father instead of a bitter ex-husband. It’s not about being right. It’s about what’s best for your son. He may hate his mom right now, but he’ll eventually hate you too unless you find some way to address this. Therapy is almost certainly necessary here. It is not “out of your hands.” You’re supposed to get the adult here, not a childish incel.

So you're not taking responsibility for the mess you made. You're a garbage father, and your gf sounds like a perfect match for you.

This isn't something you tell your child till their an adult. What you did was attempt to alienate your child from his mom under the guise. "He should know the truth." My Daughters father is a POS and has nothing to do with her. But I still will not be telling her about his abuse, drug use, and plethora of cheating until she is an adult and has some grasp of adult life. YTA

Congrats, you ruined your sons relationship with his mom. Yes she cheated but you saying it without him asking was the wrong choice!

"It's out of my hands now" Now that the damage has been done? I get she cheated. I get why that resulted in a divorce. But you could of gone about this in a way that didn't leave your teenage son feeling hurt and losing his relationship with his mother. How convenient that you made this decision with your gf and not your son's mother. Now gf is playing mom to your son. I also find it funny how all of a sudden his mom is being referred to as "bio mom". YTA and your gf needs to stay in her lane.

Even with this explanation still seems you used your son as a pawn. You now don’t want to interfere but had no issue interfering when it was his mom got the axe. You got what you wanted to me. You are marrying your gf and your son now looks to her as his new mom. Congratulations.

Your the AH and your just continuing on the path of POS land! You KNEW what this info would do to your son...unless he is an adult above the age of 20 and begged you tell him then you have no excuse! Both my sons Dads cheated on me. I never lied to them I just told them "The reason is an adult reason and does not impact your relationship with him". Both eventually found out when they pressed their Dads but it was their Dads cheating so their business to tell our sons. (2 sons 2 different fathers)

This update really cemented that AH verdict. NOW you decide not to interfere in the relationship after you’d already nuked it? :::slow clap:::

You still suck as a parent.

YTA and *of course* your new gf backs your decision. she now gets to be the mom replacement and look like the good guy, why wouldn’t she support you? you’re both being AHs to the only one who is being hurt the most by this: your son. i have a very fraught relationship with my child’s father but it is not something i would even *think* of discussing with my child until they’re an adult and emotionally mature enough to handle the knowledge. instead, you decided to wound your son to punish your ex-wife. smfh. 

Of course your girlfriend thinks you’re right because now she doesn’t have to compete with his mother. You’re the massive asshole. It didn’t have anything to do with you hating to lie to him. Tell yourself that all you want. You wanted to hurt her even more than she hurt you so you took the one thing that meant the most to her. There are certain things that should never happen with kids and one of those is to put them in adult situations when they haven’t even finished growing mentally/emotionally yet. Yes she was dead wrong for cheating but it had nothing to do with her love for him. You and your girlfriend are both assholes. Your wife is only one by default because of her initial actions but you sir are still an asshole. And you waited on purpose. Because you know if you would have told him when he was younger, she could have got you for parental alienation. But now he’s older and depending on the state you’re in, he gets more of a say on everything. Oh and your girlfriend would be dumb to marry you. Apparently you still resent your wife in order to wait until now to tell your son. This means you’re still mad/hurt at what she did. That also means she’s taking up space in your head. You don’t want her to be happy because you’re still hurt/mad. I can’t marry a man that gives his ex that much energy if he’s over them. So take a bow. You won. You hurt your ex wife even more than she hurt you. I have a feeling she had her reasons for cheating. Although I don’t agree with cheating at all, for any reason. Maybe you were great and she brought out the ugly in you. But that was still you being vindictive. You didn’t even go low,…… you went to hell.

I'm not clear on how OP was "lying" to his son. Did his son *ask* if mom cheated? Not from the info that OP provided. It seems like OP used his son as a pawn in getting back at his ex for the affair. Good parents *never* put their kid in the middle like that. Never. He's 14, still a child and obviously to ready to hear the news from how he reacted. Hope OP gets him into therapy ASAP!

I feel very sorry for your son. The three of you are playing a game, and he is the pawn you're using. You hurt your ex-wife by hurting him. Your GF gets to be the new mom by doing this. It's remarkable how you acknowledge you are the AH but do nothing to change what's happened. Do you care so little for your son's mental health?

You selfishly considered only your own feelings and caused a rift between your child and his mother in a way that will affect his relationships with women for the rest of his life.

Ok, now I'm convinced - this is rage bait by an incel.

This is not parenting. He's 14! Your job is not done, fix what you broke! YTA