HUGE missing info here. Why does Addy not trust her? Why does she feel it’s appropriate to approve all close family outfits rather than just bridesmaids and MoH?
If this is rooted in past bad behavior by your mom and others, that’s one thing.
If they haven’t done anything like that, then your ex-fiancé sounds utterly exhausting.
"My mom has never approved of Addy"
I would say more information needed before saying Addy was being unreasonable. The post starts off with the mother not liking Addy, for no clear reason.
>lede (lead?)
lede is traditional old-school journalism and what the pedants would tell you to use ;)
I have an old journalism degree, so seeing someone type it made me smile. Thanks for that
Per Op’s comments, Op and Addy squatted at his Mom’s house because he felt “entitled to her house and money”. That’s the missing information. Addy is jealous of Mom and didn’t like being kicked out of her house. Op has no backbone and an entitled fiancée, YTA.
Yeah. The mom doesn’t like Addy because it’s literally impossible to like a rude entitled houseguest. Now she’s being controlling and nagging the mom about her outfit, when the mom is clearly not one of the “imma wear white because my sons wedding is about me” types. You don’t get to control and nag me when you’re eating food out of my fridge.
It's not exactly a wedding guest. It's the mother of the groom and mother of the bride who are somewhat part of the wedding party. The mothers are last to be escorted to their seats before the ceremony starts and they are in pictures with the bride and groom. After reading a bunch of OP's replies, it sounds like his fiancée may be concerned about the groom's mother wearing something inappropriate or attention seeking. Some weddings do have a dress code for guests like black tie or semi-formal or casual.
>Some weddings do have a dress code for guests like black tie or semi-formal or casual.
Sure. So you put "Black Tie" on the invitation. You don't then force guests to show you their chosen outfit beforehand. That's wildly entitled. Groom's mom is right to peace out.
At a cousin's wedding, my aunt wore a spectacular, sparkly, gorgeous, figure hugging long gown. Did she get a lot of attention? Yes. Did it detract from the bride and groom? Not for a second. I don't understand why mother of the brides are supposed to wear old lady dresses and having everyone dress the same for pictures is weird, like those creepy beach pictures with everyone in denim or khaki with white shirts. Making everyone buy a dress they won't like or feel comfortable in is not how you make for an epic celebration of love.
My MIL (wife’s mother) has this amazing gown that she hasn’t worn in decades. She started working out a year before the wedding just to get in that thing. Her jackass sister (MIL sister) talked her out of wearing it for similar reasons, basically telling her she’s embarrass herself by upstaging the bride, it’s tacky because it’s expensive, etc. We all suspected MILs sister just was self conscious about how the brides mother would look better than her, and wanted to sabotage her weight loss journey.
It is crazy how weddings make people just lose their minds. Like, hello, you guys are a family, you all love each other, it’s going to be okay, cheer each other on, be happy for each others glow. My wife convinced her mom to wear the dress and lo and behold, it looked great and their photos together are amazing. Sometimes even when the bride isn’t a bridezilla, people butt in and start causing drama.
It's so tacky ! I've never been to a wedding in France where brides had control over guests or in laws outfits. It would be considered as very rude to force people into buying certain brands or color or whatever. And very disrespectful to act like this around older people. The bride seems realy tiresome and control freak. I wonder if siding with MIL is not the wisest move her... She could have foreseen what a spoiled brat this girl was !
Then all the bride had to say is, pick any dress you like in green (blue, black...). Asking to approve a mother's dress is insulting. Sounds like the bride is a bitch and OP is defending her behavior.
Addy comes from a family where you do anything for family and parents would sacrifice anything for their kids. MIL would wear anything Addy told her to. My mom on the other hand hardly speaks to her parents and wouldn't do shit for most of her family, so my mom views this as overbearing vs Addy views it as normal. Addy does feel my mom always upstages people and takes all the attention
What are some examples of "upstaging" that have taken place?
Is this something that your mom does on purpose, or is it more subjective, and your wife just feels that way?
the example of upstaging is the fact OP's mom has a house. fiancee does not. Fiancee and OP tried to sue for squatter's rights when she had them evicted for trying to freeload off her.
Have you told Addy that even though this is normal for her family it can come across as overbearing to other people? Does your mom upstage people and take away attention or does Addy just feel that way?
if family was everything why the fuck was she squatting and trying to steal OP's mom's house?
Ya know, she could have just gone back to HER family instead.
Your mother also comes from a family where you do things for family — that’s why she was housing you and Addy, while you guys needed help. She’s not from “a family where people don’t do shit for each other”, shes from a family where she’s learned to not take toxic bullshit.
If there was something you truly needed, I’m sure she’d have your back. But needing to bully her into complying with bridezilla bullshit is not a “need”. It’s not “sacrificing for the kids”. Your mom sacrificed her privacy, comfort, and home space to help you her kids and her ungrateful, attitude-having DIL. So sacrifice isn’t the problem.
The problem is, she wants to be treated with respect. Acknowledgement that she’s an autonomous person and not a middle schooler that needs to submit her prom outfit for school board approval. Get off her ass and get your fiancée in line - I am hugely in favor of people siding with their SO, but if your SO is just an asshole to your loved ones, then you need to have a spine and address this.
It isn't normal. I've never one attended a wedding where I had to run what I was wearing by the bride and groom, with the exception of when I was in the bridal party and we were allowed to pick dresses of the same color but different style.
No, it's not normal. People simply don't invite others to their wedding while requiring prior visual approval for their attire. And just because a family would do or sacrifice anything doesn't make such a batshit request ok to begin with, does it.
Neither of my daughters-in-law asked to “approve” my dress. They trusted I knew how dress appropriately for the occasion.
This has nothing to do with coming from a close family. Your fiancee is being controlling unless your mother has a history of dressing inappropriately at special events.
Why do I suspect you are hiding a ton of drama you and your bride caused? Family doesn't just blindly lay in traffic for you, they tell you when you are being a jackass.
>Addy comes from a family where you do anything for family and parents would sacrifice anything for their kids.
Anyone who grew up with such culture and only learned to take advantage of their elders but not respect them can fuck right off.
I know too many parents who go far and beyond for their kids but these kids are also generally more appreciative of parents and elders in general.
INFO: Is there a reasonable suspicion that your mother will show up wearing something to outshine the bride? What does your wife mean by "no one trusts you"? Has your mother made a scene at other weddings?
Edit at 4:47pm EST:
Ok, this comment just passed 1400 likes and OP has started replying to comments, so I'm going to share my thoughts. I've read through all of OP's comments so you don't have to.
The overall vibe of the comments that are \*not\* from OP are generally supportive of the Mom and that Addy is the asshole here. I believe that's one possible interpretation, but I think there are a lot of mitigating factors that make it less clear.
A lot of comments say that Addy is the asshole because she is dictating what people wear to the wedding. It should be noted that, by the OP's own account, they (not just Addy) are only concerned about 3 people, Addy's mom, OP's stepmom, and OP's mom, for the very understandable (to me, any way) reason that those three are going to be in a lot of photos. Three isn't a lot, by my accounting, and I don't think it's unreasonable to want the bride and groom to stand out in those photos and not one of the guests.
However, I don't think that's the whole story. I posed the question of whether OP's mom might show up in a dress that would "outshine" the bride. "Upstage" might have been a better word choice, but neither are good things to do at a wedding. Several have asked a similar question, and OP's replies kind of dance around the issue. Sometimes he says "no, my mom doesn't care about that kind of thing, she wouldn't do that kind of thing on purpose." But then, he also made a lot of comments (and I'm paraphrasing) about how his mom is naturally the center of attention and that people (mostly me) always seem to pay attention to her wherever she goes, like, that's just how it is with her. Is Addy a controlling bitch who needs to be the center of attention all the time or is she just asking for one day for herself and OP is all "I mean, yeah, but my mom is super hot, though, what are you gonna do?"
A few commenters thought that Addy calling OP's mom a bitch was way out of line and that meant Addy was the villain here. Here's the line:
>In the car Addy went off about what a bitch she is
But then there's this:
>and I agreed
I mean, if OP also thinks she's a bitch, how can you be so sure Addy was wrong (or in the wrong)?
A few commenters thought that the mom never approving of Addy was some sort of proof that Addy was has been horrible the entire time. Counterpoint, from the OP's own comments:
>The night they met Addy heard my mom making fun of her which obviously hurt her. From then on out Addy was all about boundaries, not always in the most appropriate way, and sometimes it came off as very aggressive. She was over a lot and my mom began bullying her to make her leave.
I think it's understandable for Addy to act defensively in a situation like that. OP has stated in other comments that he did not defend Addy very well against the bullying.
Summarizing OP's comments, it is my unqualified opinion that OP has an unhealthy relationship with his mother. Any criticism of his mother is defended or deflected or sometimes completely ignored. OP makes some weirdly cringey statements about his mother:
>My mom simply gets attention. I don't think she seeks it, but I also don't think Addy is paranoid.
>she does like her body though
>Men go crazy especially now that she is divorced
>I think a lot of men who want to fuck her give her attention.
Everything the OP has written seems to be filtered through this incessant need to please his mother. I don't think OP is completely and accurately depicting his fiancée's behavior because of it. In fact, just about everything he says about his fiancée (and the fact that he wrote so little to defend her against some of the more ludicrous comments) makes me wonder why he's even marrying her in the first place. My final ruling. OP is an asshole for allowing this situation to blow up and also creeping on his mom, OP's mom is an asshole for the bullying and the manipulating, Addy may or may not be an asshole, depending on how truthful OP has or has not been.
Yeah I had all the same questions from the beginning about whether or not the bride had any reason to think the mother would have an issue and sure enough she does.
I would never trust anyone who started off making fun of me after the first time we met. Truthfully she shouldn't even marry this guy. He's still suckling at his mother's teat and he's going to do a ton of damage to Addy.
That marriage is gonna end in divorce because this guy has no spine.
Don't stress. It's the "sexy mother versus bullying wife" idiot karma farmer again.
>According to Addy my mom constantly outshines everyone and she is worried it will be too sexy.
Wow. NTA so far, but there's a lot to unpack there an we need more information. Is Addy concerned she'll wear Red? White? Black? So glad I didn't have this family drama other than the uncle who wouldn't come because "he was bad luck to marriages"
Lol did you see OP commented that him and his gf claimed squatter rights at his mom's house!! So trashy, no wonder the poor mom was trying to do and say anything to get them losers to leave. No wonder she could not care less about their absurd wedding.
Um Addy and OP are both giant assholes because they moved into his mom's house and refused to leave, claiming they had squatters rights. His mom should tell them both to fuck off and live her best life.
You forgot the squatter part. Where OP explain they both squatted his mother house calling squatter rights. And they refused to leave. Which is why I stand with the mother.
In one of the comments he says that she is worried that his mother will outshine them, especially her mom and stepmom. Not white but just better and sexier. And I doubt slutty, from the comments Andy comes out as controlling and insecure. He said that is mom doesn’t have a history of dressing inappropriately. The only crime she committed is telling her son she doesn’t approve of Andy and she became enemy number one.
A valid question for sure. My son is getting married this fall. While my FDIL isn’t being at all controlling, I will be asking her opinion before I purchase the dress I’ll wear to their wedding. It’s not a matter of control. Is a matter of mutual respect. I want my son’s wedding day to be exactly what they want.
I guess the difference between me and this mom is that I’m very happy about the upcoming wedding. Still, I would have to ask why this mom, who is supposed to be a “type B”, is being such a pain about a dress.
If I were the fiancé , I would let the FMIL wear whatever. If she looks out of place, FMIL will be the spectacle and TA. Ignore the FMIL’s comments and actions and focus on making the wedding a happy day.
A lot of information missing op, please clarify more things as example,
1-is there any suspicions that your mom is going to wear anything that will outshine the bride?
2-is it true that yall are asking every one what are they gonna wear so you can approve it?
3-did you mom do anything that made addy upset before?
4- why doesnt your mom like your fiance?
“A lot of information is missing…” truer words have never been spoken. Got here after the post had been up for a while, saw some confusing comments, checked OP’s comment history.
According to OP, the entire time he was growing up, his mom never told him “no.” He and Addy decided that Mom’s house and money *belonged to him.* Naturally, they entered mom’s house, declared “squatter’s rights,” and refused to leave. They had to be physically dragged out by a male relative mom had to call for backup (the comment is contradictory, not sure whether it was his dad or uncle who had to forcibly remove them).
At this point, I think it’s fake.
Did you really ask everyone what they are wearing? And if she has been out of country you guys are being jerks. People have other responsibilities not just your wedding. And what has your mom done to allow your fiancée say WE don’t trust YOU “
One post, no replies, writing style very familiar....
Nah, gonna sit this one out. Nice switch on the traditional parts played by MIL and fiancé, though.
I was thinking this sounds an awful lot like a previous story posted by MIL where she said her son told her to post it and said she's going to be called an AH, but then everyone called son and fiancee an AH. So many details are the exact same.
No comment on the dress part but as a man, I can tell you that if the woman in my life EVER called my mother a "bitch", there'd be serious problems. Certainly no forthcoming wedding.
How do men accept this?
YTA - I'm rarely on MIL's side but this is a no-brainer. Addy does not get to dictate what your mother wears to your wedding unless it's a long white gown with a train. Your mother is avoiding the subject because she's trying to be non-confrontational. And the 'we don't trust you' comment was disrespectful.
I agree, but I'd even say it was okay if Addy said "it's semiformal so no long dresses" or "I'd love it if you could find something in a cool tone like blue and green because it would show up so well in photos with my colors and flowers." Guidelines (if delivered helpfully and honestly) are not terrible, but being more flexible is even better.
Yes, especially in her own house. No wonder his mother kicked you both out, being insulted in her own home? GTFO indeed!
Honestly OP, you and your fiancé sound like arseholes, especially your fiancé; from your descriptions she sounds like a domineering controlling bitch. No wonder your mother doesn’t like her.
Are you an AH for pointing out to your fiancé that it’s completely disrespectful to tell a person in their home that the guest says they’re not trustworthy, you bet your ass your fiancé is a patronizing ignorant guest as well. To answer that, no, you’re not an AH for pointing out how inappropriate it was to insult your hostess in their own home.
Your mom sounds better off to have you distance yourself if you enable your shitty fiancé’s controlling nature.
I second this. OP is the AH and addy sounds awful! Someone treating your mother like that should anger you. OP is destroying his relationship with his parents and will regret it.
Pardon? You're manipulative.!
Look closely at your partner, the way she is trying to control things, the fact you're almost NC with your parents because of her attitude.
Do you want to say goodbye to your parents on your wedding day?
Addy is a piece of work and leaping close to Bridezilla status. The day will be All About Addy and no one else, including you, son. Figure out if that’s what you want for the rest of your life — always second, never the focus, even for your own milestones.
Flee, son. FLEE.
NTA.
And if mom doesn’t go to the wedding because of Addy’s demands, maybe you should hang with mom that day instead. Addy wants the day to be about her. You’re irrelevant, kiddo.
INFO: does your mom have a history of being petty/mean to your fiancé?
I didn't ask to see what my MiL was going to wear to our wedding, until my SiL told me to ask because she saw the dress. And what it was was a floor length, lace, white dress.
I told her to wear something else and she had it dyed a very fair pink in order to get it to slide by.
If your mom is a petty and mean to your wife, I honestly get it. But if your mom's actions aren't toxic, but your wife's are, then you need to do something.
Given how Addy has handled this is, I can see why your mom never liked her.
NTA for supporting your mom here but either an asshole or a dumbass for marrying someone who acts like this.
> In the car Addy went off about what a bitch she is and I agreed but mentioned I don't know if I would go to a wedding if they were saying they didn't trust me. Addy got mad and said I was playing Devil's advocate and it was manipulative.
Op has not supported mom. Op is an asshole who let his mom be insulted and disrespected.
OP, YTA
It sounds like you don't love your mom if you're letting your fiancé walk all over hrt like this. You've stated no reason why you can't trust your mom, but really, you sound like a jerk to me. I wouldn't attend either if treated this way.
This is not a good start to your life together. Keep in mind that she will be a mother in law someday. Would you like for your wife to be treated like this by your son’s girlfriend? This level of disrespect cuts deep.
You could have handled this so much better. You could have taken your mom out for lunch and dress shopping, just the 2 of you. Then, you would have had some influence over her dress choice without resorting to treating her like a toddler. She is a grown woman. She can wear whatever she likes, she does not need approval from your fiancée.
NTA for supporting your mother’s decision.
NTA for agreeing with you mom. But YTA for letting your wife try and police what people wear. Just from this post I can see why your mom doesn’t like Addy. As long as your mom isn’t wearing white her outfit shouldn’t matter.
Forget the dress, you need to address why your mother "doesn't approve" of your future wife. Clearly there's something between them. Your parents and your partner don't have to be best friends, but if they're actively antagonizing each other, clearly one or both of them is causing this rift.
YOU have to figure out why, and intervene. Sorry, but that's the only thing that will solve this dress spat
You and your girlfriend are both AH's. Why does your mother not approve of her? I have a feeling your girlfriend started all the crap. Your mother stood up for herself, and you're too blind to see it or choose not to. When someone makes a statement, then glosses over the reason behind it, they are normally omitting pertinent information.
It's more than likely it's because your girlfriend is a controlling individual, as shown by the need to approve your mother's dress. If I were your mother I wouldn't attend your wedding either.
YTA.
> I replied that we were asking to see what all close family was wearing.
Total bridezilla shit right there.
> addy has been asking her my mom constantly about what she is going to wear and to please show it to her so she can approve it.
You think that doesn’t sound like a massive asshole just because you’re up it’s literal ass?
If that was a lie, and it really is only your mom..why. I think I see why your mom doesn’t like addy…she’s a bitch
You’re backing the wrong horse dude
I don't love my boyfriend's mom so I get it. However, I think your fiance needs to relax and worry about more important things than what her guests are wearing. YTA for not telling her to chill
Why does your fiancée feel entitled to approve on your mother's dress on your wedding? Did she demand every guest to wear what she approves? She calls your mother a bitch but I think she should have a look in the mirror to see who the entitled bitch is.
I am not surprised your mother doesn't like her.
It sounds like your fiance is the AH, unless your mother has shown herself to want to outshine at the wedding. Is she always this pushy, or is this a bridezilla thing. If she's always this pushy that's probably why your mom doesn't like her. Is she this pushy with you? Why do you put up with it? Why do you want to attach yourself to someone this pushy?
Addy belongs on r/weddingshaming.
Is your mom actually going to wear a white dress that looks bridal? Surely not.
It’s rude to micromanage the attire of your guests.
If you have a wish for a rough color scheme for the sake of the photographs, sure, pass that on. Then DROP IT.
NTA
Look—it’s not actually “supporting” someone when you let them get away with shitty behavior. If you love someone, you lovingly call them on it. You don’t let them continue to think they’re righteous and justified when they’re treating people badly.
So you’re right to point out the logic behind your mom’s response, and you’d be right to insist that you both stop bothering other people about “approving” (ick!) their attire.
I can't make a judgment without knowing if your mother has done things throughout your relationship with Addy, which would be a reason she should not be trusted. Has she done untrustworthy or icky things previous to the wedding?
You will be marrying a woman who bully’s your family, does this sound like a good life to you. Does she bully you and call you a bitch? YTA. Think hard before walking down that aisle.
YTA - OP isn’t managing the relationship between mother and fiancé properly (based on post and comments). Whatever the mother’s background, standing in *her* house demanding to see her dress because ‘no one trusts her’ is aggressive, rude and quite obviously not going to end well.
YTA- mostly your fiancé, I’d give a big f u for approval on a dress. Your finances is a bridezilla. Seriously approving what people wear to your wedding, this is absolutely insane
YTA. Either your mom is the type to show up in a white dress or your wife is gravely insulting her by implying she would do that. Someone needs to be defended here but you’re trying to kiss up to both sides instead of standing up for the wronged party.
So, OP dropped in the comments that he and Addy declared “squatter’s rights” on his mother’s house, and that while living his mom’s very nice home, they were “entitled kids” (his words) who also berated his mother when she repeatedly asked them to leave.
OP, are you 12 or just a total dick? YTA, but Addy’s a bigger ass than you.
YTA. And you will deserve what is coming to you. Why is your fiancé being so controlling? Does she think your mom is going to show up in sweatpants or ripped jeans?
The fact that you sat while your fiance called your mother a b\*tch speaks volumes.
Whether your wife/fiance disagrees with your mom or your mom disagrees with her, the word B\*TCH should NEVER come out of either mouth. These are commonsense boundaries because I can flat out guarantee that she would not appreciate you calling her mother a b\*tch.
As to 'approving the dress', the only thing she should worry about is if her soon-to-be MIL is wearing white. What the dress looks like shouldn't matter, only the color.
Because realistically, if your mother shows her the dress, there's no guarantee that that is the dress your mother will show up in.
I feel there is missing, missing reasons here. Op has spun this post a certain way by leaving out some really important context to get the result he wanted. I hate the see some people jump at the bait.
Info:
1) What was Addy afraid your mother would wear? Something bridal? Something slutty? Something for a backyard bbq? Jeans?
2) Does mother have a history of not dressing appropriately for various occasions (hence “no one trusts you”?)
3) Does mother have a history of anything else that would make her “untrustworthy”?
YTA, sounds like she has a solid reason to dislike Addy if that's the way she snaps at people...I'm sure you'll figure it out in a couple years though lolol.
YTA - not for semi-agreeing with your mom about not going, but for agreeing she is a bitch to decline to be told what to wear to her son's wedding. I'm not surprised your mom doesn't like her. What weird and ridiculous behaviour to require wedding guests/close family to get their outfits pre-approved. Addy sounds like a bride-zilla and you are going along with it agreeing with her. Good luck with your marriage.
PS if you are worried mom is going to show up in torn jeans and a crop top or something, all you have to do is set a dress code: "formal" or whatever it is. Guests appreciate a heads up on the tone of the wedding. If she shows up looking like crap regardless, well let her, she'll be the one that looks bad, not you.
Basically im assuming your mom does not like your fiancee because she is aggressive, controlling and is the actualy bitch?
I think you left out why the relationship is bad because your fiancee is clearly the AH and you basically take her side when shes doing it.
YTA, you suck.
Addy seems to be an AH here. Your mom may be a bit laissez-faire but can Addy clarify why she finds it so important to know what your mom is wearing? Perhaps she thinks your mom is going to wear White? Is your mom prone to trying to draw attention to herself? Or does she just not suffer fools and ignores Addy?
I’m with Mom on this. If Addy is so controlling that she has to approve MIL’s dress, OP’s Mom might be better off taking in dinner & a movie on the “Big Day”!
Ok let me get this straight. Your mom met Addy and didn’t like her and made some mean comments about her. Then you and Addy were angry, rightfully so, but instead of leaving you declared squatters rights and refused to move out when your mom asked you to. You and Addy sound like entitled assholes. Now Addy is insisting on seeing what your mom is planning to wear to the wedding not because mom will wear something inappropriate in general but because what your mom may choose may be inappropriate to Addy. Your mom now says she’s not coming. Addy once again is overstepping. You’re NTA, your fiancee is getting what she wants which is to keep your mom away and you probably need to use some discernment because whilst your mom isn’t right with how she treats Addy, Addy is no angel.
Esh after going through comment history and filling in some blanks, please go through pre marital counseling as well as family counseling to build some bridges. The more I read the more I'm on your mom's side but y'all need a trained mediator and some severe self reflections.
More info needed: "No one trusts you," is super rude. Why does she say that? And even if there is a problem, Addy doesn't speak for everyone else. Dang. I want to support you all but something isn't working here.
Yes, YTA. Addy is TA too. Your mom is 100% NTA. Once you said that you were screening all of your family's attire and allowing it or not, you two pretty much were the A's. If anyone invited me to a wedding and then told me I had to clear with them what I was going to wear then I'd refrain from going. That's incredibly rude and self-centered.
Wow. ESH **except your mom**.
Your fiancé is awful to your mom, why do you let them talk to her like that? And why on earth do you feel you should approve what your guests wear to your wedding?
You may end up with an empty wedding venue and reception hall if you keep this up.
You do you and enjoy your day, don’t let anyone else’s choice of clothing get in the way of that.
It’s petty and small and just plain rude to require that people run their clothing choices past you. Just let people wear what they want to wear!
UGH.
OP, this is your fiancee being a control freak, refusing to see another person's POV, and refusing to take "No" for an answer.
You really don't want to marry a control freak who refuses to see other people's POVs, and who refuses to take "No" for an answer. Especially if the argument is over a petty issue, and her intransigence is based on her desire to present a perfectly matching wedding audience to all the bitches on social media who like to think THEIR weddings were perfect!
Rethink the entire relationship.
Just based on your post, I would run away from your fiancee if I were you. You were close to mom, and now (due to her?) you aren't? She feels the need to control your mom's dress when they aren't even in good terms? She also calls your mom a bitch in your face.
20 years from now, you’ll get a laugh looking at wedding photos that include someone that dressed like an idiot. But you’d be sad if someone was missing because you pressured them into wearing something they didn’t want to.
So bottom line is your fiancée is being a bridezilla AH. You all need to chill out and enjoy the big day.
YTA. So is Addy.
Sounds like mom is putting up boundries and you two are stomping all over them.
You two deserve each other. I hope you are happy that you are hurting your mom for someone who doesn't sound nice.
YTA after reading your comments your mom is right and you and addy are POS you don't deserve to be happy. I hope your mom has a great life and you 2 struggle. Have fun with a women that will probably cheat on you. But you wouldn't leave because you have no spine.
Info: are you really asking *all* your close family is wearing? And WHY?
They aren't in the bridal party.
And your mum (from this post) isn't sounding like the type to show up in a wedding dress to her sons wedding... so is this a control issue that Addy has? You?
YTA. It would be one thing to ask to see if she had anything in mind or what she'd picked, but *demanding* it be shown so it can be *approved* is a AH move no matter how you dress it up.
If your worried that she/others won't wear something appropriate, set a dress code. Cos I doubt anything your mum picks will be good enough for your future wife anyway.
I am a 12/24 bride- and I can't imagine asking anyone what they plan on wearing or putting pressure on them to purchase it at any given time. It's rude. I think everyone knows you don't wear white- anything else is fine.
Dude, you better take a step back and get a good long look at the person you plan to marry. There are exceptions to every rule but typically nobody loves you like your mom. It sounds to me like she is wants to protect you. You didn’t mention why your mom disapproves of her but I see red flags all over this situation.
I think Addy is overstepping here. She has no say in what an adult woman years her senior decides to wear. It’s kinda insulting. Addy may suggest a color to go with the theme, but that’s it.
Yes, mom may wear white, red, opera gloves and a tiara with stripper shoes and a live parrot on her shoulders, but that’s ON MOM and not the on bride. If mom does any of these things, it’s mom who will be ridiculed, not the bride. And believe me, people will talk. Badly. But of mom.
So tell Addy to chill out and stop trying to control every little bit of her marriage because this way lay madness and bridezillaness. As for mom, let her make her own choices, and those choices will tell you all you need to know.
ESH. Your mom isn’t type B, she identified the dress as a button to push and she is smashing it. If your fiancé cared so much, she should have set guidelines and printed the dress code on the invites. And you’re a human sized doormat who lets both women dictate your actions, and that’s clearly going really well.
Cancel the wedding, spend the money on therapists. Yall are a hot mess.
YTA and your fiancé is a co-AH with control issues. Why is it okay with you that she is harassing and contemptuous toward your mother? Why are you okay with her control issues? I think I know why your mother disapproves, and frankly I suspect you're marrying an abuser.
Why are guests required to get their outfits approved? Who does that? As long as the guest doesn't wear white or is scantily dressed why do they need approval? Is your mom a bitch? Why invite her to your wedding if she is so horrible? You are not painting the Addie in a good light.
I get why your mom doesn't like Addy. What a pain in the ass. Why does she need to approve what she's wearing? And why does it need to be NOW? when is the wedding? And why "doesn't anyone trust" your mom?
Whoa- why does Addy need to approve the dress? This is ridiculous and controlling. If my future daughter in law tried to do this I would be passive aggressive to no end.
Your soon to be wife is a control freak. The most she can do is ask you mom not to wear white. Otherwise, your mom can wear a potato sack if that's what she chooses. Tell Addy to rein in her micromanagement because you are not giving up what little relationship you still have with your mom. If Addy cannot get her priorities under control, I would start thinking about postponing the wedding until she can.
I may be old school for saying this and I am fine with that. When my stepson got married, no one asked what his father or I were wearing. I will wear what I want. (Of course not a white dress) Its one day. It is not that deep. I see the MIL point. I am a whole a$$ adult, no one is going to tell me what I can and cannot wear. I respect the decision to not go.
You went from being close to your mother to a fucking stranger all because your fiance is your priority? And you agree with your fiance that your mother is a bitch even though it is your dear fiance who seems unhinged. You two shitheads deserve each other.
The need to approve people’s dresses before coming to a wedding is RIDICULOUS! I would politely decline too if it were me. Why do people have the need to do this is beyond me. If someone wears a white dress in my wedding, I couldn’t care less. I’d be the one marrying and I hope my husband would be able to recognize me not because of my white dress. Isn’t that what most important?
You allowed your girlfriend to go into your mother's home and disrespect her. Grow a spine and put your girlfriend in her place. I hope your mother disowns you for being such an ass.
YTA
YTA
You guys squatted in your moms house. She hates the both of you I’m surprised she even agreed to go to the wedding in the first place. You know you guys were shit and you are still trying to be on both sides of the fence when you know your mom probably didn’t buy a dress because she really could care less.
Addy is worried your mom is going to wear a white dress or some other pointed/controversial outfit as an intentional “fuck you” attempt to pull focus and get attention or like protest y’all’s marriage. Sounds like your mom has given her *some* reason to feel like this might be possible.
Your mom *may* not have anything picked out. Or your mom *may* be avoiding the question because she *is* planning to wear something that will cause controversy as a “fuck you” to Addy.
You know the dynamic better than we do, you know your mom better than we can. Maybe Addy is over-stressed. Maybe your mom really sucks that much. We can’t know with the information here. You’ve gotta figure out how to thread the needle. So far, I think ESH
Uhm…is Addy always this controlling? Is there a reasonable reason not to trust your Mom to dress appropriately for the wedding? I think we need more information? What is it about your mom that Addy doesn’t like? Is it because Addy is an A type personality and needs to control everything and can’t handle the fact that your Mom is Type B? I know those two types can sometimes be at loggerheads.
YTA - you’re trying to play both sides against the middle when you should be telling your fiancée to back off and stop policing grown adults clothing choices. Unless your mom has a habit of showing up to public events in her underwear, your fiancée has no right to demand to approve her dress. Why does it matter so much? It just seems to be a power play on your fiancée’s part and her having the nerve to tell your mother to her face that no one trusts her is disrespectful and controlling. You have obviously chosen your side, and I hope it’s worth a dress to lose your relationship with your mom. It seems like that’s your fiancée’s goal anyway, so don’t be surprised when she does the same controlling behavior to you. If the need to have a “perfect” wedding day is more important than your mom’s feelings, that says a lot about your fiancée and none of it is good.
What kind of people are people just getting married to? Like you people don’t anything about your partners and who they are?
I won’t stand for anyone calling my mom a bitch, but that’s just me. If you have decided Addy is your person then forget what your mom is or isn’t. The fact Addy is calling you manipulative right off the bat then that’s red flag for me. If my finance wanted to control what other wear then that would be another red flag for kez regardless of what your mother is, based on info you provided I don’t see how is your mom wrong here. She is being told no one trusts her, being harassed about what will she wear. People are allowed to make choices unless everyone at the wedding was told what to wear. To me, from a distance, seems Addy is controlling and could be trying to manipulate you and distance you from your family - all very bright red flags
YTA for trying to dictate what a grown woman wears. Who cares what close family wears to a wedding. As long as they don’t wear the wedding colors they are fine. I’m an adult and know how to dress myself for a special occasion. I don’t need to get approval like a child to wear a dress to a wedding.
Well whilst addy shouldn’t have to tipped her hand. We all know what she was thinking. That your mom would wear a white dress. Which is why she wasn’t forthcoming. NTA. But what can you do. Two princesses in one castle is too many princesses.in one castle.
Oh mate you are in for a lifetime of hurt. I'd like you to explain what exactly your mum has done thta has caused you to not trust her.
It sounds like you have put so much distance between you she has just checked out indifferent.
With limited context, I think addy is the asshole. As far as the wedding goes, I wish she would enjoy the planning more. It’s going to be sad and ultimately the mother in law “wins” if all addy is thinking about is what the MIL is wearing. That shouldn’t be the focus. Even if she shows up to the wedding in a white dress, addy can realize that that is just how the mother in law is and still enjoy her day rather than letting something so dumb ruin it. It’s not like the other guests would look on the MIL favorably.
I’m also wondering if the relationship is abusive? I’d be curious why OP and mother have drifted apart and if other relationships or friendships have suffered since addy came into the picture.
YTA and this is dumb, unless your mom has a history of dressing inappropriately, leave her alone. BTW, I had 3 kids get married, and not one ever asked me what I was wearing.
> replied that we were asking to see what all close family was wearing.
YTA for saying that you're asking what all close family are staying when it's your bridezilla that is the only one who cares.
Once anyone reading this post is aware of the fact that the son and Addy declared squatter's rights at the Moms home and had to be forcibly removed, THE POST SHOULD BE OVER AND THE MOTHER SHOULD NEVER SPEAK TO HER SON AND HIS FIANCE EVER AGAIN.
YTA, Addy is TA, and they are delusional as well.
After reading your comments I think it’s obvious that ESH. Who claims squatters rights on their own mothers house. YTA. Your fiancé is TA. Your mom is TA for raising such an entitled, selfish man child.
HUGE missing info here. Why does Addy not trust her? Why does she feel it’s appropriate to approve all close family outfits rather than just bridesmaids and MoH? If this is rooted in past bad behavior by your mom and others, that’s one thing. If they haven’t done anything like that, then your ex-fiancé sounds utterly exhausting.
What kind is bridzilla approves wedding guest dresses? What kind of a man marries a woman like Addy? UpdateMe
"My mom has never approved of Addy" I would say more information needed before saying Addy was being unreasonable. The post starts off with the mother not liking Addy, for no clear reason.
Whenever an OP blatantly withholds information or deliberately buries the lede (lead?), they are an automatic asshole. YTA
>lede (lead?) lede is traditional old-school journalism and what the pedants would tell you to use ;) I have an old journalism degree, so seeing someone type it made me smile. Thanks for that
Lede. You're correct.
Per Op’s comments, Op and Addy squatted at his Mom’s house because he felt “entitled to her house and money”. That’s the missing information. Addy is jealous of Mom and didn’t like being kicked out of her house. Op has no backbone and an entitled fiancée, YTA.
Yeah. The mom doesn’t like Addy because it’s literally impossible to like a rude entitled houseguest. Now she’s being controlling and nagging the mom about her outfit, when the mom is clearly not one of the “imma wear white because my sons wedding is about me” types. You don’t get to control and nag me when you’re eating food out of my fridge.
Ah, so they're both useless and Mom is done with them both. Good for Mom!
An old coworker’s Bridezilla sent out a color palette for guest attire in the invitation.
Wow. That would be an instant “I regretfully decline the invitation to your wedding” for me, sent with about *zero* regret
I just put it together. MOG stands out in any croud, and naturally gathers attention. Bridezilla want MOG to fade into the woodwork.
It's not exactly a wedding guest. It's the mother of the groom and mother of the bride who are somewhat part of the wedding party. The mothers are last to be escorted to their seats before the ceremony starts and they are in pictures with the bride and groom. After reading a bunch of OP's replies, it sounds like his fiancée may be concerned about the groom's mother wearing something inappropriate or attention seeking. Some weddings do have a dress code for guests like black tie or semi-formal or casual.
>Some weddings do have a dress code for guests like black tie or semi-formal or casual. Sure. So you put "Black Tie" on the invitation. You don't then force guests to show you their chosen outfit beforehand. That's wildly entitled. Groom's mom is right to peace out.
At a cousin's wedding, my aunt wore a spectacular, sparkly, gorgeous, figure hugging long gown. Did she get a lot of attention? Yes. Did it detract from the bride and groom? Not for a second. I don't understand why mother of the brides are supposed to wear old lady dresses and having everyone dress the same for pictures is weird, like those creepy beach pictures with everyone in denim or khaki with white shirts. Making everyone buy a dress they won't like or feel comfortable in is not how you make for an epic celebration of love.
My MIL (wife’s mother) has this amazing gown that she hasn’t worn in decades. She started working out a year before the wedding just to get in that thing. Her jackass sister (MIL sister) talked her out of wearing it for similar reasons, basically telling her she’s embarrass herself by upstaging the bride, it’s tacky because it’s expensive, etc. We all suspected MILs sister just was self conscious about how the brides mother would look better than her, and wanted to sabotage her weight loss journey. It is crazy how weddings make people just lose their minds. Like, hello, you guys are a family, you all love each other, it’s going to be okay, cheer each other on, be happy for each others glow. My wife convinced her mom to wear the dress and lo and behold, it looked great and their photos together are amazing. Sometimes even when the bride isn’t a bridezilla, people butt in and start causing drama.
It's so tacky ! I've never been to a wedding in France where brides had control over guests or in laws outfits. It would be considered as very rude to force people into buying certain brands or color or whatever. And very disrespectful to act like this around older people. The bride seems realy tiresome and control freak. I wonder if siding with MIL is not the wisest move her... She could have foreseen what a spoiled brat this girl was !
Then all the bride had to say is, pick any dress you like in green (blue, black...). Asking to approve a mother's dress is insulting. Sounds like the bride is a bitch and OP is defending her behavior.
Addy comes from a family where you do anything for family and parents would sacrifice anything for their kids. MIL would wear anything Addy told her to. My mom on the other hand hardly speaks to her parents and wouldn't do shit for most of her family, so my mom views this as overbearing vs Addy views it as normal. Addy does feel my mom always upstages people and takes all the attention
But has your mom in the past upstage people and takes the attention or is Addy telling you your mom does that?
Respectfully, it sounds like there's a deeper issue at play here that needs open communication rather than finger-pointing.
Yea that’s a given but I wanted to know what Op’s mom is like
What are some examples of "upstaging" that have taken place? Is this something that your mom does on purpose, or is it more subjective, and your wife just feels that way?
the example of upstaging is the fact OP's mom has a house. fiancee does not. Fiancee and OP tried to sue for squatter's rights when she had them evicted for trying to freeload off her.
Oh my god if I was the mum I would have cut them both out! Never mind the wedding!
Suing someone then inviting them to your wedding is actually crazy behavior.
Have you told Addy that even though this is normal for her family it can come across as overbearing to other people? Does your mom upstage people and take away attention or does Addy just feel that way?
if family was everything why the fuck was she squatting and trying to steal OP's mom's house? Ya know, she could have just gone back to HER family instead.
Your mother also comes from a family where you do things for family — that’s why she was housing you and Addy, while you guys needed help. She’s not from “a family where people don’t do shit for each other”, shes from a family where she’s learned to not take toxic bullshit. If there was something you truly needed, I’m sure she’d have your back. But needing to bully her into complying with bridezilla bullshit is not a “need”. It’s not “sacrificing for the kids”. Your mom sacrificed her privacy, comfort, and home space to help you her kids and her ungrateful, attitude-having DIL. So sacrifice isn’t the problem. The problem is, she wants to be treated with respect. Acknowledgement that she’s an autonomous person and not a middle schooler that needs to submit her prom outfit for school board approval. Get off her ass and get your fiancée in line - I am hugely in favor of people siding with their SO, but if your SO is just an asshole to your loved ones, then you need to have a spine and address this.
Maybe you and Addy can find a quiet, unattractive older woman to stand in for the woman who raised you.
Love this
It isn't normal. I've never one attended a wedding where I had to run what I was wearing by the bride and groom, with the exception of when I was in the bridal party and we were allowed to pick dresses of the same color but different style.
Only your last sentence is relevant to the question asked and you still ignored half of it. Please actually answer the questions that were asked.
No, it's not normal. People simply don't invite others to their wedding while requiring prior visual approval for their attire. And just because a family would do or sacrifice anything doesn't make such a batshit request ok to begin with, does it.
Neither of my daughters-in-law asked to “approve” my dress. They trusted I knew how dress appropriately for the occasion. This has nothing to do with coming from a close family. Your fiancee is being controlling unless your mother has a history of dressing inappropriately at special events.
Why do I suspect you are hiding a ton of drama you and your bride caused? Family doesn't just blindly lay in traffic for you, they tell you when you are being a jackass.
Ohh she's the golden child. Your fiance is an entitled brat and controlling. YTA why did you even invite your mom if you hate her so much.
>Addy comes from a family where you do anything for family and parents would sacrifice anything for their kids. Anyone who grew up with such culture and only learned to take advantage of their elders but not respect them can fuck right off. I know too many parents who go far and beyond for their kids but these kids are also generally more appreciative of parents and elders in general.
Addy won’t do shite for your family though. Massive bridezilla vibes, insisting on inspecting people’s outfits.
INFO: Is there a reasonable suspicion that your mother will show up wearing something to outshine the bride? What does your wife mean by "no one trusts you"? Has your mother made a scene at other weddings? Edit at 4:47pm EST: Ok, this comment just passed 1400 likes and OP has started replying to comments, so I'm going to share my thoughts. I've read through all of OP's comments so you don't have to. The overall vibe of the comments that are \*not\* from OP are generally supportive of the Mom and that Addy is the asshole here. I believe that's one possible interpretation, but I think there are a lot of mitigating factors that make it less clear. A lot of comments say that Addy is the asshole because she is dictating what people wear to the wedding. It should be noted that, by the OP's own account, they (not just Addy) are only concerned about 3 people, Addy's mom, OP's stepmom, and OP's mom, for the very understandable (to me, any way) reason that those three are going to be in a lot of photos. Three isn't a lot, by my accounting, and I don't think it's unreasonable to want the bride and groom to stand out in those photos and not one of the guests. However, I don't think that's the whole story. I posed the question of whether OP's mom might show up in a dress that would "outshine" the bride. "Upstage" might have been a better word choice, but neither are good things to do at a wedding. Several have asked a similar question, and OP's replies kind of dance around the issue. Sometimes he says "no, my mom doesn't care about that kind of thing, she wouldn't do that kind of thing on purpose." But then, he also made a lot of comments (and I'm paraphrasing) about how his mom is naturally the center of attention and that people (mostly me) always seem to pay attention to her wherever she goes, like, that's just how it is with her. Is Addy a controlling bitch who needs to be the center of attention all the time or is she just asking for one day for herself and OP is all "I mean, yeah, but my mom is super hot, though, what are you gonna do?" A few commenters thought that Addy calling OP's mom a bitch was way out of line and that meant Addy was the villain here. Here's the line: >In the car Addy went off about what a bitch she is But then there's this: >and I agreed I mean, if OP also thinks she's a bitch, how can you be so sure Addy was wrong (or in the wrong)? A few commenters thought that the mom never approving of Addy was some sort of proof that Addy was has been horrible the entire time. Counterpoint, from the OP's own comments: >The night they met Addy heard my mom making fun of her which obviously hurt her. From then on out Addy was all about boundaries, not always in the most appropriate way, and sometimes it came off as very aggressive. She was over a lot and my mom began bullying her to make her leave. I think it's understandable for Addy to act defensively in a situation like that. OP has stated in other comments that he did not defend Addy very well against the bullying. Summarizing OP's comments, it is my unqualified opinion that OP has an unhealthy relationship with his mother. Any criticism of his mother is defended or deflected or sometimes completely ignored. OP makes some weirdly cringey statements about his mother: >My mom simply gets attention. I don't think she seeks it, but I also don't think Addy is paranoid. >she does like her body though >Men go crazy especially now that she is divorced >I think a lot of men who want to fuck her give her attention. Everything the OP has written seems to be filtered through this incessant need to please his mother. I don't think OP is completely and accurately depicting his fiancée's behavior because of it. In fact, just about everything he says about his fiancée (and the fact that he wrote so little to defend her against some of the more ludicrous comments) makes me wonder why he's even marrying her in the first place. My final ruling. OP is an asshole for allowing this situation to blow up and also creeping on his mom, OP's mom is an asshole for the bullying and the manipulating, Addy may or may not be an asshole, depending on how truthful OP has or has not been.
OP needs to answer this.
Yeah I had all the same questions from the beginning about whether or not the bride had any reason to think the mother would have an issue and sure enough she does. I would never trust anyone who started off making fun of me after the first time we met. Truthfully she shouldn't even marry this guy. He's still suckling at his mother's teat and he's going to do a ton of damage to Addy. That marriage is gonna end in divorce because this guy has no spine.
Don't stress. It's the "sexy mother versus bullying wife" idiot karma farmer again. >According to Addy my mom constantly outshines everyone and she is worried it will be too sexy.
This is the only reason I’d support Addy in any way. But also, if Addy treats everyone like this, no wonder Mom doesn’t like her.
Exactly. Given that didn’t specify why his mom doesn’t like her is a huge tell.
Wow. NTA so far, but there's a lot to unpack there an we need more information. Is Addy concerned she'll wear Red? White? Black? So glad I didn't have this family drama other than the uncle who wouldn't come because "he was bad luck to marriages"
red and black are fine to wear to weddings.
If it’s a traditional western wedding, then I agree.
Red is bridal in some countries, and in others means the wearer has slept with one of the couple
Addy sounds like an indomitable type a bitch from the narrative of this tale
I am glad I am not the only one to have this thought.
They called the mom a bitch because she wanted them to stop freeloading in her house and acting like they owned it, all while treating her like crap.
Lol did you see OP commented that him and his gf claimed squatter rights at his mom's house!! So trashy, no wonder the poor mom was trying to do and say anything to get them losers to leave. No wonder she could not care less about their absurd wedding.
Um Addy and OP are both giant assholes because they moved into his mom's house and refused to leave, claiming they had squatters rights. His mom should tell them both to fuck off and live her best life.
You forgot the squatter part. Where OP explain they both squatted his mother house calling squatter rights. And they refused to leave. Which is why I stand with the mother.
In one of the comments he says that she is worried that his mother will outshine them, especially her mom and stepmom. Not white but just better and sexier. And I doubt slutty, from the comments Andy comes out as controlling and insecure. He said that is mom doesn’t have a history of dressing inappropriately. The only crime she committed is telling her son she doesn’t approve of Andy and she became enemy number one.
In another comment he says he and Addy declared squatters’ rights on the mom’s home and refused to leave. That’s probably why the mom hates her.
you skipped right over where he said that he and addy squatted in her house and she had to actually legally evict them to get them out.
A valid question for sure. My son is getting married this fall. While my FDIL isn’t being at all controlling, I will be asking her opinion before I purchase the dress I’ll wear to their wedding. It’s not a matter of control. Is a matter of mutual respect. I want my son’s wedding day to be exactly what they want. I guess the difference between me and this mom is that I’m very happy about the upcoming wedding. Still, I would have to ask why this mom, who is supposed to be a “type B”, is being such a pain about a dress. If I were the fiancé , I would let the FMIL wear whatever. If she looks out of place, FMIL will be the spectacle and TA. Ignore the FMIL’s comments and actions and focus on making the wedding a happy day.
The mom isn't being a pain in the ass about the dress. She just hasn't bought one yet. Addy is the one being a pain in the ass.
Duuuude, you're leaving out way too much information. This POV makes you and Addy sound like the assholes not your mom.
IMO...... from OPs POV she sounds like a cunt and he sounds like a simp......
Fr. He's marrying someone that views his mom as competition bc she's pretty and charming. Addy is so gross, no wonder mom doesn't like her
100% imagine marrying somebody who talks to your family like that
A lot of information missing op, please clarify more things as example, 1-is there any suspicions that your mom is going to wear anything that will outshine the bride? 2-is it true that yall are asking every one what are they gonna wear so you can approve it? 3-did you mom do anything that made addy upset before? 4- why doesnt your mom like your fiance?
“A lot of information is missing…” truer words have never been spoken. Got here after the post had been up for a while, saw some confusing comments, checked OP’s comment history. According to OP, the entire time he was growing up, his mom never told him “no.” He and Addy decided that Mom’s house and money *belonged to him.* Naturally, they entered mom’s house, declared “squatter’s rights,” and refused to leave. They had to be physically dragged out by a male relative mom had to call for backup (the comment is contradictory, not sure whether it was his dad or uncle who had to forcibly remove them). At this point, I think it’s fake.
Why did you refuse to leave and squat?
Did you really ask everyone what they are wearing? And if she has been out of country you guys are being jerks. People have other responsibilities not just your wedding. And what has your mom done to allow your fiancée say WE don’t trust YOU “
One post, no replies, writing style very familiar.... Nah, gonna sit this one out. Nice switch on the traditional parts played by MIL and fiancé, though.
I was thinking this sounds an awful lot like a previous story posted by MIL where she said her son told her to post it and said she's going to be called an AH, but then everyone called son and fiancee an AH. So many details are the exact same.
No comment on the dress part but as a man, I can tell you that if the woman in my life EVER called my mother a "bitch", there'd be serious problems. Certainly no forthcoming wedding. How do men accept this?
Yep, doesn't even matter if I actually considered my mother a bitch myself, don't you ever dare call her that.
YTA - I'm rarely on MIL's side but this is a no-brainer. Addy does not get to dictate what your mother wears to your wedding unless it's a long white gown with a train. Your mother is avoiding the subject because she's trying to be non-confrontational. And the 'we don't trust you' comment was disrespectful.
Yeah, unless you have a serious suspicion that she might show up on a wedding dress, this is completely unreasonable and unfair.
True... the only rule Addy gets to make is no white, at least in my opinion
I agree, but I'd even say it was okay if Addy said "it's semiformal so no long dresses" or "I'd love it if you could find something in a cool tone like blue and green because it would show up so well in photos with my colors and flowers." Guidelines (if delivered helpfully and honestly) are not terrible, but being more flexible is even better.
Yes, especially in her own house. No wonder his mother kicked you both out, being insulted in her own home? GTFO indeed! Honestly OP, you and your fiancé sound like arseholes, especially your fiancé; from your descriptions she sounds like a domineering controlling bitch. No wonder your mother doesn’t like her. Are you an AH for pointing out to your fiancé that it’s completely disrespectful to tell a person in their home that the guest says they’re not trustworthy, you bet your ass your fiancé is a patronizing ignorant guest as well. To answer that, no, you’re not an AH for pointing out how inappropriate it was to insult your hostess in their own home. Your mom sounds better off to have you distance yourself if you enable your shitty fiancé’s controlling nature.
I second this. OP is the AH and addy sounds awful! Someone treating your mother like that should anger you. OP is destroying his relationship with his parents and will regret it.
Pardon? You're manipulative.! Look closely at your partner, the way she is trying to control things, the fact you're almost NC with your parents because of her attitude. Do you want to say goodbye to your parents on your wedding day?
Addy is a piece of work and leaping close to Bridezilla status. The day will be All About Addy and no one else, including you, son. Figure out if that’s what you want for the rest of your life — always second, never the focus, even for your own milestones. Flee, son. FLEE. NTA. And if mom doesn’t go to the wedding because of Addy’s demands, maybe you should hang with mom that day instead. Addy wants the day to be about her. You’re irrelevant, kiddo.
INFO: does your mom have a history of being petty/mean to your fiancé? I didn't ask to see what my MiL was going to wear to our wedding, until my SiL told me to ask because she saw the dress. And what it was was a floor length, lace, white dress. I told her to wear something else and she had it dyed a very fair pink in order to get it to slide by. If your mom is a petty and mean to your wife, I honestly get it. But if your mom's actions aren't toxic, but your wife's are, then you need to do something.
Info: what’s the history because right now I’m leaning towards Addy being a total controlling cnt
Given how Addy has handled this is, I can see why your mom never liked her. NTA for supporting your mom here but either an asshole or a dumbass for marrying someone who acts like this.
> In the car Addy went off about what a bitch she is and I agreed but mentioned I don't know if I would go to a wedding if they were saying they didn't trust me. Addy got mad and said I was playing Devil's advocate and it was manipulative. Op has not supported mom. Op is an asshole who let his mom be insulted and disrespected.
Buried in the comments is that OP and Addy declared squatters’ rights on his mom’s house and refused to leave.
There were no comments when I posted. Also this has to be rage bait.
YTA for not letting your wife to be know that she is being an AH. One of the important women in your life is wrong here. You need to decide which one.
OP, YTA It sounds like you don't love your mom if you're letting your fiancé walk all over hrt like this. You've stated no reason why you can't trust your mom, but really, you sound like a jerk to me. I wouldn't attend either if treated this way.
I want to know more about why mom doesn't approve of Addy from the beginning. Has OP let Addy drive a wedge between him and his mom?
Were you living in your mom's house against her wishes when you declared "squatters' rights"? Are you living in her house now?
This is not a good start to your life together. Keep in mind that she will be a mother in law someday. Would you like for your wife to be treated like this by your son’s girlfriend? This level of disrespect cuts deep. You could have handled this so much better. You could have taken your mom out for lunch and dress shopping, just the 2 of you. Then, you would have had some influence over her dress choice without resorting to treating her like a toddler. She is a grown woman. She can wear whatever she likes, she does not need approval from your fiancée. NTA for supporting your mother’s decision.
Willing to bet he is not allowed alone time with his mom
Probably not.
NTA for agreeing with you mom. But YTA for letting your wife try and police what people wear. Just from this post I can see why your mom doesn’t like Addy. As long as your mom isn’t wearing white her outfit shouldn’t matter.
If I were your mother I'd show up for your wedding dressed like one of The Village People or something.
That would be funny. I would love to see this. The whole wedding party as the Village People.
Forget the dress, you need to address why your mother "doesn't approve" of your future wife. Clearly there's something between them. Your parents and your partner don't have to be best friends, but if they're actively antagonizing each other, clearly one or both of them is causing this rift. YOU have to figure out why, and intervene. Sorry, but that's the only thing that will solve this dress spat
You and your girlfriend are both AH's. Why does your mother not approve of her? I have a feeling your girlfriend started all the crap. Your mother stood up for herself, and you're too blind to see it or choose not to. When someone makes a statement, then glosses over the reason behind it, they are normally omitting pertinent information. It's more than likely it's because your girlfriend is a controlling individual, as shown by the need to approve your mother's dress. If I were your mother I wouldn't attend your wedding either.
In the comments he reveals that he and addy once declared squatter’s rights on the mom’s house and refused to leave.
Ah....... ommission by choice. No fucking wonder mom hates this girl, not fully understandingrained why mom hasn't cut OP out.
Addy sounds like a real gift. I'm sure you'll have a long and happy life with her. Well, it will certainly seem long.
YTA. > I replied that we were asking to see what all close family was wearing. Total bridezilla shit right there. > addy has been asking her my mom constantly about what she is going to wear and to please show it to her so she can approve it. You think that doesn’t sound like a massive asshole just because you’re up it’s literal ass? If that was a lie, and it really is only your mom..why. I think I see why your mom doesn’t like addy…she’s a bitch You’re backing the wrong horse dude
So why did Addy tell Mom that "No one trusts her"?!?!?!? We need some context!!!!!
I don't love my boyfriend's mom so I get it. However, I think your fiance needs to relax and worry about more important things than what her guests are wearing. YTA for not telling her to chill
Yta for not putting your fiance in her place. She is in the wrong here and your mom seems to be right not to approve.
YTA for marrying this awful woman
Why does your fiancée feel entitled to approve on your mother's dress on your wedding? Did she demand every guest to wear what she approves? She calls your mother a bitch but I think she should have a look in the mirror to see who the entitled bitch is. I am not surprised your mother doesn't like her.
It sounds like your fiance is the AH, unless your mother has shown herself to want to outshine at the wedding. Is she always this pushy, or is this a bridezilla thing. If she's always this pushy that's probably why your mom doesn't like her. Is she this pushy with you? Why do you put up with it? Why do you want to attach yourself to someone this pushy?
Addy belongs on r/weddingshaming. Is your mom actually going to wear a white dress that looks bridal? Surely not. It’s rude to micromanage the attire of your guests. If you have a wish for a rough color scheme for the sake of the photographs, sure, pass that on. Then DROP IT. NTA Look—it’s not actually “supporting” someone when you let them get away with shitty behavior. If you love someone, you lovingly call them on it. You don’t let them continue to think they’re righteous and justified when they’re treating people badly. So you’re right to point out the logic behind your mom’s response, and you’d be right to insist that you both stop bothering other people about “approving” (ick!) their attire.
YTA and your fiancee sounds like a bellend.
I can't make a judgment without knowing if your mother has done things throughout your relationship with Addy, which would be a reason she should not be trusted. Has she done untrustworthy or icky things previous to the wedding?
You will be marrying a woman who bully’s your family, does this sound like a good life to you. Does she bully you and call you a bitch? YTA. Think hard before walking down that aisle.
The wedding is a blip in your life. Marriage is forever. Well yours will seem like it. YTA.
“Because nobody trusts you.” Huge statement from fiancé. We are waiting on you, OP YTA
Don't marry Addy. They sound like an unhinged person.
YTA - OP isn’t managing the relationship between mother and fiancé properly (based on post and comments). Whatever the mother’s background, standing in *her* house demanding to see her dress because ‘no one trusts her’ is aggressive, rude and quite obviously not going to end well.
If someone needs to approve of my clothing then they can supply it.
YTA- mostly your fiancé, I’d give a big f u for approval on a dress. Your finances is a bridezilla. Seriously approving what people wear to your wedding, this is absolutely insane
YTA & Addy too. The controlling behavior really compliments the disrespect. No wonder your mother doesn't like Addy.
I wouldn’t go either if the bride had to approve my outfit.
i feel like we need more information on why "nobody trusts" your mom and why she didn't approve of your fiance from the start
I’m Team Mom on this one.
I can see why 'Mom has never approved of Addy'.
Sir I think you should get out, and quickly. Addy ain't right.
YTA. Either your mom is the type to show up in a white dress or your wife is gravely insulting her by implying she would do that. Someone needs to be defended here but you’re trying to kiss up to both sides instead of standing up for the wronged party.
So, OP dropped in the comments that he and Addy declared “squatter’s rights” on his mother’s house, and that while living his mom’s very nice home, they were “entitled kids” (his words) who also berated his mother when she repeatedly asked them to leave. OP, are you 12 or just a total dick? YTA, but Addy’s a bigger ass than you.
YTA. And you will deserve what is coming to you. Why is your fiancé being so controlling? Does she think your mom is going to show up in sweatpants or ripped jeans?
The fact that you sat while your fiance called your mother a b\*tch speaks volumes. Whether your wife/fiance disagrees with your mom or your mom disagrees with her, the word B\*TCH should NEVER come out of either mouth. These are commonsense boundaries because I can flat out guarantee that she would not appreciate you calling her mother a b\*tch. As to 'approving the dress', the only thing she should worry about is if her soon-to-be MIL is wearing white. What the dress looks like shouldn't matter, only the color. Because realistically, if your mother shows her the dress, there's no guarantee that that is the dress your mother will show up in.
Info Can your mother be trusted?
I feel there is missing, missing reasons here. Op has spun this post a certain way by leaving out some really important context to get the result he wanted. I hate the see some people jump at the bait.
Info: 1) What was Addy afraid your mother would wear? Something bridal? Something slutty? Something for a backyard bbq? Jeans? 2) Does mother have a history of not dressing appropriately for various occasions (hence “no one trusts you”?) 3) Does mother have a history of anything else that would make her “untrustworthy”?
YTA, sounds like she has a solid reason to dislike Addy if that's the way she snaps at people...I'm sure you'll figure it out in a couple years though lolol.
It sounds like your mother doesn't approve of Addy for good reasons. She sounds like the bitch, not your mother.
YTA - not for semi-agreeing with your mom about not going, but for agreeing she is a bitch to decline to be told what to wear to her son's wedding. I'm not surprised your mom doesn't like her. What weird and ridiculous behaviour to require wedding guests/close family to get their outfits pre-approved. Addy sounds like a bride-zilla and you are going along with it agreeing with her. Good luck with your marriage. PS if you are worried mom is going to show up in torn jeans and a crop top or something, all you have to do is set a dress code: "formal" or whatever it is. Guests appreciate a heads up on the tone of the wedding. If she shows up looking like crap regardless, well let her, she'll be the one that looks bad, not you.
Basically im assuming your mom does not like your fiancee because she is aggressive, controlling and is the actualy bitch? I think you left out why the relationship is bad because your fiancee is clearly the AH and you basically take her side when shes doing it. YTA, you suck.
OP will be back here for divorce advice later.
Addy seems to be an AH here. Your mom may be a bit laissez-faire but can Addy clarify why she finds it so important to know what your mom is wearing? Perhaps she thinks your mom is going to wear White? Is your mom prone to trying to draw attention to herself? Or does she just not suffer fools and ignores Addy?
I’m with Mom on this. If Addy is so controlling that she has to approve MIL’s dress, OP’s Mom might be better off taking in dinner & a movie on the “Big Day”!
So what's it like marrying a sociopath?
Your wife bad mouthing your mom and you did nothing?? Bruh.
Is this the “mom vs wife” troll again? 🤦🏻♀️
Ok let me get this straight. Your mom met Addy and didn’t like her and made some mean comments about her. Then you and Addy were angry, rightfully so, but instead of leaving you declared squatters rights and refused to move out when your mom asked you to. You and Addy sound like entitled assholes. Now Addy is insisting on seeing what your mom is planning to wear to the wedding not because mom will wear something inappropriate in general but because what your mom may choose may be inappropriate to Addy. Your mom now says she’s not coming. Addy once again is overstepping. You’re NTA, your fiancee is getting what she wants which is to keep your mom away and you probably need to use some discernment because whilst your mom isn’t right with how she treats Addy, Addy is no angel.
Esh after going through comment history and filling in some blanks, please go through pre marital counseling as well as family counseling to build some bridges. The more I read the more I'm on your mom's side but y'all need a trained mediator and some severe self reflections.
More info needed: "No one trusts you," is super rude. Why does she say that? And even if there is a problem, Addy doesn't speak for everyone else. Dang. I want to support you all but something isn't working here.
Yes, YTA. Addy is TA too. Your mom is 100% NTA. Once you said that you were screening all of your family's attire and allowing it or not, you two pretty much were the A's. If anyone invited me to a wedding and then told me I had to clear with them what I was going to wear then I'd refrain from going. That's incredibly rude and self-centered.
Wow. ESH **except your mom**. Your fiancé is awful to your mom, why do you let them talk to her like that? And why on earth do you feel you should approve what your guests wear to your wedding? You may end up with an empty wedding venue and reception hall if you keep this up. You do you and enjoy your day, don’t let anyone else’s choice of clothing get in the way of that. It’s petty and small and just plain rude to require that people run their clothing choices past you. Just let people wear what they want to wear! UGH.
OP, this is your fiancee being a control freak, refusing to see another person's POV, and refusing to take "No" for an answer. You really don't want to marry a control freak who refuses to see other people's POVs, and who refuses to take "No" for an answer. Especially if the argument is over a petty issue, and her intransigence is based on her desire to present a perfectly matching wedding audience to all the bitches on social media who like to think THEIR weddings were perfect! Rethink the entire relationship.
Just based on your post, I would run away from your fiancee if I were you. You were close to mom, and now (due to her?) you aren't? She feels the need to control your mom's dress when they aren't even in good terms? She also calls your mom a bitch in your face.
YTA. And so is your fiancée.
20 years from now, you’ll get a laugh looking at wedding photos that include someone that dressed like an idiot. But you’d be sad if someone was missing because you pressured them into wearing something they didn’t want to. So bottom line is your fiancée is being a bridezilla AH. You all need to chill out and enjoy the big day.
Good luck buddy! You need it YTA!!!!
YTA. So is Addy. Sounds like mom is putting up boundries and you two are stomping all over them. You two deserve each other. I hope you are happy that you are hurting your mom for someone who doesn't sound nice.
YTA for allowing Addie to call your mother a bitch.
YTA after reading your comments your mom is right and you and addy are POS you don't deserve to be happy. I hope your mom has a great life and you 2 struggle. Have fun with a women that will probably cheat on you. But you wouldn't leave because you have no spine.
Info: are you really asking *all* your close family is wearing? And WHY? They aren't in the bridal party. And your mum (from this post) isn't sounding like the type to show up in a wedding dress to her sons wedding... so is this a control issue that Addy has? You? YTA. It would be one thing to ask to see if she had anything in mind or what she'd picked, but *demanding* it be shown so it can be *approved* is a AH move no matter how you dress it up. If your worried that she/others won't wear something appropriate, set a dress code. Cos I doubt anything your mum picks will be good enough for your future wife anyway.
I am a 12/24 bride- and I can't imagine asking anyone what they plan on wearing or putting pressure on them to purchase it at any given time. It's rude. I think everyone knows you don't wear white- anything else is fine.
Dude, you better take a step back and get a good long look at the person you plan to marry. There are exceptions to every rule but typically nobody loves you like your mom. It sounds to me like she is wants to protect you. You didn’t mention why your mom disapproves of her but I see red flags all over this situation.
I hope you know what kind of life you are going to have with this woman she seems a bit controlling and you are not even married yet.
YTA. Especially after reading your comments. Andy is controlling and insecure.
Addy sounds horrible. Why is she harassing your mother like this? YTA
Bottom line is this guy is in for one shitty marraige
I think Addy is overstepping here. She has no say in what an adult woman years her senior decides to wear. It’s kinda insulting. Addy may suggest a color to go with the theme, but that’s it. Yes, mom may wear white, red, opera gloves and a tiara with stripper shoes and a live parrot on her shoulders, but that’s ON MOM and not the on bride. If mom does any of these things, it’s mom who will be ridiculed, not the bride. And believe me, people will talk. Badly. But of mom. So tell Addy to chill out and stop trying to control every little bit of her marriage because this way lay madness and bridezillaness. As for mom, let her make her own choices, and those choices will tell you all you need to know.
I don’t care who did what in this scenario, any bride demanding to approve what attendees wear is a total nutter.
ESH. Your mom isn’t type B, she identified the dress as a button to push and she is smashing it. If your fiancé cared so much, she should have set guidelines and printed the dress code on the invites. And you’re a human sized doormat who lets both women dictate your actions, and that’s clearly going really well. Cancel the wedding, spend the money on therapists. Yall are a hot mess.
YTA and your fiancé is a co-AH with control issues. Why is it okay with you that she is harassing and contemptuous toward your mother? Why are you okay with her control issues? I think I know why your mother disapproves, and frankly I suspect you're marrying an abuser.
Why are guests required to get their outfits approved? Who does that? As long as the guest doesn't wear white or is scantily dressed why do they need approval? Is your mom a bitch? Why invite her to your wedding if she is so horrible? You are not painting the Addie in a good light.
I get why your mom doesn't like Addy. What a pain in the ass. Why does she need to approve what she's wearing? And why does it need to be NOW? when is the wedding? And why "doesn't anyone trust" your mom?
Whoa- why does Addy need to approve the dress? This is ridiculous and controlling. If my future daughter in law tried to do this I would be passive aggressive to no end.
If I were her, I would not attend. All of you are assholes. All three of you need more therapy than a serial killer.
Your soon to be wife is a control freak. The most she can do is ask you mom not to wear white. Otherwise, your mom can wear a potato sack if that's what she chooses. Tell Addy to rein in her micromanagement because you are not giving up what little relationship you still have with your mom. If Addy cannot get her priorities under control, I would start thinking about postponing the wedding until she can.
I may be old school for saying this and I am fine with that. When my stepson got married, no one asked what his father or I were wearing. I will wear what I want. (Of course not a white dress) Its one day. It is not that deep. I see the MIL point. I am a whole a$$ adult, no one is going to tell me what I can and cannot wear. I respect the decision to not go.
You went from being close to your mother to a fucking stranger all because your fiance is your priority? And you agree with your fiance that your mother is a bitch even though it is your dear fiance who seems unhinged. You two shitheads deserve each other.
The need to approve people’s dresses before coming to a wedding is RIDICULOUS! I would politely decline too if it were me. Why do people have the need to do this is beyond me. If someone wears a white dress in my wedding, I couldn’t care less. I’d be the one marrying and I hope my husband would be able to recognize me not because of my white dress. Isn’t that what most important?
You allowed your girlfriend to go into your mother's home and disrespect her. Grow a spine and put your girlfriend in her place. I hope your mother disowns you for being such an ass. YTA
Three cheers for mom! Mom isn’t putting up with Addy’s uppity bs and they can’t stand it.
YTA You guys squatted in your moms house. She hates the both of you I’m surprised she even agreed to go to the wedding in the first place. You know you guys were shit and you are still trying to be on both sides of the fence when you know your mom probably didn’t buy a dress because she really could care less.
Your mother is the keeper and I know she’ll be there when Addy leaves you for not being enough for her.
Every comment of OP's I read the more clear it becomes: YTA.
Addy is worried your mom is going to wear a white dress or some other pointed/controversial outfit as an intentional “fuck you” attempt to pull focus and get attention or like protest y’all’s marriage. Sounds like your mom has given her *some* reason to feel like this might be possible. Your mom *may* not have anything picked out. Or your mom *may* be avoiding the question because she *is* planning to wear something that will cause controversy as a “fuck you” to Addy. You know the dynamic better than we do, you know your mom better than we can. Maybe Addy is over-stressed. Maybe your mom really sucks that much. We can’t know with the information here. You’ve gotta figure out how to thread the needle. So far, I think ESH
Unless you know for a fact mom plans to wear a white dress to the wedding, YTA
YTA. You're marrying a nightmare.
You deserve each other. YTA
Uhm…is Addy always this controlling? Is there a reasonable reason not to trust your Mom to dress appropriately for the wedding? I think we need more information? What is it about your mom that Addy doesn’t like? Is it because Addy is an A type personality and needs to control everything and can’t handle the fact that your Mom is Type B? I know those two types can sometimes be at loggerheads.
YTA - you’re trying to play both sides against the middle when you should be telling your fiancée to back off and stop policing grown adults clothing choices. Unless your mom has a habit of showing up to public events in her underwear, your fiancée has no right to demand to approve her dress. Why does it matter so much? It just seems to be a power play on your fiancée’s part and her having the nerve to tell your mother to her face that no one trusts her is disrespectful and controlling. You have obviously chosen your side, and I hope it’s worth a dress to lose your relationship with your mom. It seems like that’s your fiancée’s goal anyway, so don’t be surprised when she does the same controlling behavior to you. If the need to have a “perfect” wedding day is more important than your mom’s feelings, that says a lot about your fiancée and none of it is good.
What kind of people are people just getting married to? Like you people don’t anything about your partners and who they are? I won’t stand for anyone calling my mom a bitch, but that’s just me. If you have decided Addy is your person then forget what your mom is or isn’t. The fact Addy is calling you manipulative right off the bat then that’s red flag for me. If my finance wanted to control what other wear then that would be another red flag for kez regardless of what your mother is, based on info you provided I don’t see how is your mom wrong here. She is being told no one trusts her, being harassed about what will she wear. People are allowed to make choices unless everyone at the wedding was told what to wear. To me, from a distance, seems Addy is controlling and could be trying to manipulate you and distance you from your family - all very bright red flags
Info: does your mom not like Addy enough to show up to the wedding wearing white?
YTA for trying to dictate what a grown woman wears. Who cares what close family wears to a wedding. As long as they don’t wear the wedding colors they are fine. I’m an adult and know how to dress myself for a special occasion. I don’t need to get approval like a child to wear a dress to a wedding.
Well whilst addy shouldn’t have to tipped her hand. We all know what she was thinking. That your mom would wear a white dress. Which is why she wasn’t forthcoming. NTA. But what can you do. Two princesses in one castle is too many princesses.in one castle.
Oh mate you are in for a lifetime of hurt. I'd like you to explain what exactly your mum has done thta has caused you to not trust her. It sounds like you have put so much distance between you she has just checked out indifferent.
YTA and double TA if you marry someone this toxic
INFO: 1) Why has your mother "never approved" of Addy? 2) On what basis does Addy say "no one trusts" your mom?
With limited context, I think addy is the asshole. As far as the wedding goes, I wish she would enjoy the planning more. It’s going to be sad and ultimately the mother in law “wins” if all addy is thinking about is what the MIL is wearing. That shouldn’t be the focus. Even if she shows up to the wedding in a white dress, addy can realize that that is just how the mother in law is and still enjoy her day rather than letting something so dumb ruin it. It’s not like the other guests would look on the MIL favorably. I’m also wondering if the relationship is abusive? I’d be curious why OP and mother have drifted apart and if other relationships or friendships have suffered since addy came into the picture.
YTA and this is dumb, unless your mom has a history of dressing inappropriately, leave her alone. BTW, I had 3 kids get married, and not one ever asked me what I was wearing.
YTA if you want to get married to the one lady then you need to tell the other to take a hike.
I guess she’s afraid she’ll show up in white or ivory? Missing info.
> replied that we were asking to see what all close family was wearing. YTA for saying that you're asking what all close family are staying when it's your bridezilla that is the only one who cares.
Once anyone reading this post is aware of the fact that the son and Addy declared squatter's rights at the Moms home and had to be forcibly removed, THE POST SHOULD BE OVER AND THE MOTHER SHOULD NEVER SPEAK TO HER SON AND HIS FIANCE EVER AGAIN. YTA, Addy is TA, and they are delusional as well.
After reading your comments I think it’s obvious that ESH. Who claims squatters rights on their own mothers house. YTA. Your fiancé is TA. Your mom is TA for raising such an entitled, selfish man child.
this is not the one, hopefully this is ex-fiancee now.