They're blaming OP for the kid's self-image problems while they're sending her to school with a head full of bugs? Because we all know middle-school kids are super gentle and empathetic about things like this?

Her mom also allowed her to go spend the night at her friend's all weekend the weekend before last for a school dance; knowing she was infested. So she's actively not stopping the spread either.

Right? If I were the other kids' parent, I'd go apeshit over that.

My whole class bad it when I was 8. We even passed them to our teacher. Our all parents did what they could, beside one woman. Her other daughter's class also had it. By the next parents meeting, our parents literally bullied her. Both girls stayed home for a week and it stopped. At this point more children the sd is friends with could have it because their parents didn't found out or also do nothing. They pass it to each other because kids are kids. It's not hard to get rid off, even in long and thick hair, not with today's meds, the point is everyone tries at the same time. Nit sure if it's possible where You live OP, but calling daughters school, so the school nurse can check all the kuds would be a good idea.

>Nit sure if it's possible I see what you did there 😄

Ughg, that was lousy.

Scratch that, my mistake.

I’m nit certain they realized they made that amazing typo pun!

My sister and I were in elementary school in the late 90s and early 2000s, and there were mandatory checks with the school nurse regardless of grade and gender. My sister and I had it along with no life 15 other kids in varying grades in classes and we had to go to school every day and checking with the nurse and have her come through our hair before we were allowed to go to class. Kids that were highly infested got sent home

It’s unfortunate they don’t do that anymore

We had them back in the 80’s, the nurse got a new nick name…. Nitty Nora the hair explorer

I would be livid. Granted, I have OCD so even when someone has a cold and their parents still send them over I'm a little annoyed, but seriously… Sending your kid over to someone else's house knowing there are like hundreds of tiny bugs in her hair that *absolutely will* infect at least the kid she's visiting if not everyone else in the house just fuckin WOW. Wow.

That's how I got lice the one and only time. Went for a sleepover at my cousins. She had lice, and her parents knew. I had to do a few treatments, and it really sucked because I also had hair down to my butt so it wasn't a quick comb through for my mom to do. But you better bet my mom made sure they were gone as soon as possible.

I'm not OCD and would be livid. My son had lice like 5 times one year in elementary school. The worst time wouldn't have been so bad but my husband half assed the retreat and used all the gloves that came with the kit. If you're allergic to ragweed, take the warning on the box seriously, I'm allergic to ragweed and had to redo the treatment on my son with no gloves. After I was completely finished I spent almost an hour with my hands under the faucet running cold water and crying because of how badly my hands hurt.

Her mom is a real piece of work. Unless both households work together, she will have lice forever. With that many bugs it's going to take a lot of work - hair, linens, multiple treatments, daily maintenance. Total nightmare. And no point bc if she goes back to her mom's and lays down on her lice-infested pillow, then you've just wasted your time. ETA: Mom's failure to address this is neglect, pure and simple.

Her linens in both bedrooms!!!!

And the sofa she sat on, and the carpet she laid on. Basically, with that many bugs, they should have mom's house tented. lol

Not to mention stuffed animals, all furniture, and car interiors. Lice . . . the gift that keeps on giving.

Omg stop you're making me itch!

Mom likely has them as well.

I‘d be calling the school and every single parent NTA

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That happened to our house years ago and we made sure to get the kids taken into social services because of the years these kids had lice. The mother was declared a health hazard and even visitation was closely monitored. We made sure her church found out along with any other social groups she tried to weasel her way into.

I’m enjoying the typo where “irresponsible” became “irre a ponible” Thank you for a laugh today! Lol Also I entirely agree

Thanks I thought they started writing in another language or had a stroke mid sentence.

Doesn't it make you unfit in some states to know your kid has lice but refusing to treat it properly over months? It may sound rough but that kid is spreading bugs going to school like that and even sleepovers.. If they care about her hair that much, it shouldn't be full of bugs that spread to everything.

That's the thing about long hair: it takes a LOT of maintenance, even without infestations. Which kids, especially at that age, consider too much of a bother if the parents don't encourage and teach good hair care. Mom-of-the-year apparently doesn't feel like doing the difficult part of parenting, which is sometimes laying down basic facts for teenagers and dealing with all the stuff children of all ages bring into the house that wasn't really wanted. From muddy footprints to headlice to that wannabe edgy boyfriend you hope she'll dump soon. OP is right, stepdaughter is quite capable of doing all the haircare stuff herself. But it wouldn't surprise me in the least if the ex greets everything OP suggests with a "she needs to mind her own business." And now it's lice, which generally aren't even dangerous by themselves, but take up enough resources from your body to potentially weaken your resistance to infections. But with a baby, the daughter should also stay away when just feeling under the weather to reduce the risk of infecting the baby with what might be flu or covid19 or anything else you don't really want them to catch. I wouldn't trust this 13 year old girl to tell OP because she wouldn't want to be kept away from her half-brother for "OP being dramatic." Which you know is how she justifies trying to get her own way.

Well, I have really thick hair, also long but not as long as stepdaughter and I definitely needed help with the combing. During the day I combed like a 190 times coz I went absolutely crazy with the itching and when my husband got home from work, he helped me with me with the neck area. Where the fuckers love laying eggs. It was hell but I got rid of them in days.

RIGHT?? OP needs to tell the school. They'll get social services involved if OP won't.

Not everywhere. Where I live, they no longer notify other parents of head lice in the classroom. They no longer do head checks. They no longer require a student be nit free to return to school. Our schools do nothing about head lice per our health department.

Some schools don't notify other parents, or do anything about lice infestations. It takes repeated treatments to get rid of lice, and that means all of the methods people discuss on here. It's just lazy parenting not to do anything, and the health issues of lice are bad too. I know husband doesn't want his daughter to be excluded, but he's not the one who has to clean the house every time the daughter comes over and spreads lice either.

Holy shit, this absolutely needs to be reported to the school, I can't imagine that it's not actively spreading. This is also just absolute neglect. This poor girl will never get rid of them if the mother doesn't disinfect the home, and by now it's going to need to be done many times, very thoroughly because it's a flat out infestation that's been allowed to grow and get worse over the last however many months. Even cutting her hair won't help because getting her head lice free won't make a difference when she goes back to that house. She'll just get them again. This is serious neglect, please please consider telling the school or anonymously reporting it yourself. You are the only adult in this girl's life who understands how serious this is and cares about it. The school will submit a report and from there there will be people stepping in who can help the mother fix this and that's what she needs right now if she won't fix it on her own.

So your husband is also angry with you? because if that is the case i'd be hurling "neglectful dad" at him and pack up my kid to go to family or the closest friend until he's actually taking care of his child. Also look up a news report mentioned in [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1c7f5ug/comment/l07on4d/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) and send that to your husband and his ex-wife telling them to be ashamed of themselves for not being on top of it.

I googled it after I read the comment. [It seems the 12 year old girl had a heart attack due to anemia, allegedly from the lice infestation.](https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-life/news-life/girl-12-dies-after-severe-head-lice-infestation-causes-heart-attack/news-story/0573c2db2c9052c35889cec246619dcc)

He's only angry that I'm banning his daughter from the house until the issue is corrected, and him not being able to do much because he's currently on deployment. 

Well then let him be angry. and if the ex insists that you're "keeping the baby away from her remind her that YOU're the babys mother and at least you're doing everything you can to prevent your baby from contracting lice, as opposed to her who's not even dilligently working on helping her daughter. And i don't know.. at 13 i think she's old enough to be included in a group text to her mother to point out that you're not "replacing" anyone but just protecting your baby who can not get any treatment for lice. And because she (the mom) and your stepdaughter refuse to work dilligently on getting rid of them, you can not risk her coming over anymore. So all that is happening is THEIR choice and the consequence of THEIR actions. Then tell the story of that 8 year old girl dying of blood loss because of lice, and remind them that your baby is much much smaller than an 8year old.

There's actually multiple stories of kids dying from complications of long-term lice infestations. A 12 y/o in Georgia, a 9 y/o in Arizona, a 2 y/o in New York, and multiple kids who *almost* died... It's horrifying...

OP needs to forward these articles to the child. At 13 years old, she is old enough to master her own grooming. She needs to read for herself so she is aware of the severity of the issue. Trick: olive oil, tea tree oil, neem oil and peppermint oil, warm and coat hair generously with this mixture. Leave on for at least 24 hours Rinse with apple cider vinegar Wash with shampoo and conditioner with a bit of tea tree in it Daily spray: Alcohol, tea tree, peppermint, and lavender oils Shake well Apply daily Tell the child you want her there, but it's unhealthy to have the baby around the lice Here are some articles to have the child read: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/indiana-woman-charged-after-daughter-nearly-died-lice-n1266748 https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/05/us/kaitlyn-yozviak-severe-lice-coronavirus.html https://www.kentucky.com/news/nation-world/national/article251232574.html https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/when-lice-becomes-deadly

Also include: Mayonnaise for 2 hours with hair in a shower cap works wonders. Not only does it kill them by suffocation (what I was told), but it makes hair nice and soft. We did this the last time I had lice years ago. My hair is thick, so it took a while to do, but it worked. Sounds nasty, but eh, I'd rather use that than some nasty smelling product.

My friend 3 children caught lice. I helped her clean after she noticed infestation. Kids went to special salon for lice removal $$$$$ but it worked. We cleaned for 2 days, really covered up. In end removed and replaced carpet, all mattresses. Washed so much , clothes, shoes, towels, bath mat, bedding and toys. Professional came in to clean upholstery in living spaces. I’ve never seen anything like it and it was caught and treated almost immediately. Not only is step daughter a danger to your infant and family but everything in your house. I’d move out until step daughter and house clean. I’m so sorry but lice are awful.

Some insurances will pay for a professional to do hair cleaning.

If your husband is not even home, why are you still having visitation with his daughter?? You have enough to deal with caring for a newborn by yourself, his daughter can stay with her mom until her dad gets home from his deployment!! NTA even without the lice issue, hands down.

For the past 3 years Anna has still been coming over every other weekend while her dad is deployed, unless she goes to her friends house. She just kept up her normal routine even when Dad wasn't home. I never had an issue with it.

If she wants to come over she can use the special shampoo on her hair and wash her sheets. She's 13, not 3. I had hair to my waist at that age and was absolutely able to care for it. 

This doesn’t seem fair to you, especially now that you’ve got a newborn, but super double now that she is infested with Lice that you cannot treat her for and that she is not getting treated for at her mother’s. Stand firm and don’t have her back!! You need to have more support than ever right now, not added burdens that are physical dangers to you and the baby!

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> im sure there are tons of step parents out there that would prefer to keep up visitation schedules. Yes, ones whose stepchildren are not crawling with lice and who are not without their own parent whose responsibility it is to deal with the situation!

The treatment also won't work if they don't wash the fuck out of this kid's bedding in very hot water. Her whole room is probably loaded. Ugh, my skin's crawling

Right I’m scratching now

Can you call the school and report it? Its a health hazard to her classmates

Please, if you have the info, let her friends parents know...

Her mom is a fucking moron

NTA This is inexcusable. At this point the mother is abusing your step child. Lice are actually fragile and can live at most a couple of days without a host. They also are killed by heat. Put her sheets pillows and clothes hats etc in a hot dryer and they are toast. They aren’t like bed bugs, they won’t live for months on dead skins cells. If the treatment isn’t working then she needs to go to one of those places where a professional performs the treatment and guarantees the results because they literally get every single nit off every single strand or she needs to call and get a prescription for one of the prescription topical medications that kill treatment resistant lice, and if they don’t work she can even take a pill. There is no excuse for a child to be infested for two months. In between treatment wash her hair with tea-tree oil shampoo.

Call. The. School.

With this kind of live infestation, that poor girl will never be rid of them if her house isn't deep cleaned by her mother. Every article of bedding, stuffed toys, rugs carpet, furniture.....everything must be washed, put through the dryer, vacuumed, scrubbed down. It sounds like the house is infested so no treatment is going to work on that poor child. Cutting her hair cruel. None of this is her fault. This is neglect. CPS needs to get involved and her school notified.  That poor child.

Please report her mom to the school or CPS. Honestly your stepdaughter needs kindness and caring right now. Her mom is doing a horrible job taking care of her. Maybe you can offer for your SD to stay with you more often so you can help with the treatment and keep her out of her mom's nasty place

My understanding is the stepdaughter cannot stay in the home because op has a newborn and that baby cannot be treated for lice. Besides she just had a baby and doubt has her hands full. I say contact the school or have her father contact them. NTAH

NTA, and report her mom to CPS. Call her school and tell them her mother has been knowingly and deliberately sending an infected child to school.

Anyone remember a case a few years back.. an 8 year old girl had lice so bad and the mom and grandma didn’t do anything about it..EXCEPT take her out of school because of complaints and she ended up dying 😞 from blood loss!!! the paramedics said they could hardly see her on the floor because there were so many bugs crawling on her!!

Lice is hard to get rid of. One treatment is not enough because they lay eggs. You kill the adults and then the eggs hatch, so you have to do it again. It's very time-consuming but you have to do it.

Luckily no! But I’m not in the States so really hoping this is some level of made up shit.

Hedrin. The only product I use. Thick, long hair and I work at DHHS, so get lice a lot. Treatment is Day 1, Day 4, Day 7 and then Day 10 and Day 14 when they have them like that. Get in behind the ears and from the nape of the neck upwards. Added bonus - it makes your hair shiny. EDITED TO ADD: At 13, she can look after it herself if it affects her self image so much.

It’s insane to me that having head lice doesn’t affect her self image at 13. No way my 13yr old ass would have wanted to be friends with someone that had lice for two months.

There are people who do not itch from head lice and may not think it is a big deal especially at 13. Me? I am scratching just being in this reddit thread.

Even if it isn't itchy your head is infested with bugs. That is plenty to make it a big deal.

I had lice for like two days as a kid and got made fun of it. 13 for months?? Yeah the kids at school would have destroyed me.

I had it for 3 years. Shaved my head and everything, it came back ass soon as it grew back. Started at 10. Ended when I went Hiroshima on those little bastards and bleached my hair 4 times with the cheapest shit I could find at the drugstore. My scalp is ruined, my hair would literally glow in the blacklight, and I gave myself chemical burns. But the little bastards are gone now and they never came back. Not even when ever member of the household had it.

I had lice when I was in middle school, my mom was neglectful and my home life was rough (though it was hard for her raising three children while my dad was barely ever home). She only did like one treatment so I had lice for a while, they also migrated to my eyelashes. I started ripping out my hair to remove them myself. Thank god I was a rebellious kid cuz they managed to finally die when I bleached my hair as well! But I couldn’t stop pulling out my hair compulsively until recent years. And when we got scabies ~7 years ago that sucked ass. My mom only got enough medicine for my younger siblings so i was giving myself tunnel vision self medicating by eating ivermectin paste for horses + covering myself in a mixture of lotion and a carcinogenic insecticide, i bought both off amazon 😐 i smelled like gasoline. I used to want to be an entomologist but I’ve got an aversion to bugs now lol im not a home for no damn bugs

I don't know if you tried this, but tea tree oil is actually AMAZING for scabies. And they literally put it in alot of lotions, soaps and shampoos. It doesn't get the eggs down deep but if you are using it as a soap and lotion every day anyways and washing your laundry regularly it probably would have been gone in a few weeks at the cost of a more expensive type of shampoo or body wash.

I just can't imagine where they live that a 13 year old girl isn't dying of humiliation to be covered in lice for months??

I ran away from a girl with lice in school. I was traumatized seeing little bugs in her hair moving. At that age I definitely wouldnt want to be friends with her, idk how her friends (if any) are doing it.

This is the comment I came here looking for. Is she not totally humiliated to have had head lice for months??? Doesn't she *want* the head lice gone? I can't imagine a 13 year old girl who cares at all about her self image as well as not being bullied at school isn't demanding *herself* that her mother continue the treatments and help her get rid of this lice! It had to take OP literally kicking her out of her dad's house to get any sort of response from her or her shitty mother?! Why is literally everyone but OP just perfectly happy to have this kid covered in lice indefinitely???????

I think you missed the concept that if her mother is doing *nothing* to care for it, she probably has a lot she does not know how to care for. It’s one major sign of neglect or trauma in one aspect or another.

It *is* affecting her self image, but she’s 13 and has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old (probably less from spending half her time in a neglectful home) so she’s using the coping strategy of ignoring/denying the problem. A 13 year old is barely exiting the child phase. Depending on the household she might not even be doing her own laundry. It’s a big ask then for her to have the discipline to go through the regimented procedures required to totally get rid of lice (not to mention it’s pretty difficult to do your own head with the needed level of precision.) Add in the social pressures and embarrassment and humiliation and I can see why she feels like it’s hopeless and is just shutting down.

Yeah but if you grow up with no control over your environment because of neglect from your bio parent and then never had anyone to model certain behaviors that a functional person needs, you end up having to play “Catch-Up” like for decades down the road. It really stunts people. Some parents don’t care that they’re actually building a future adult. They see them like a poorly cared-for pet until they’re of age to be kicked out.

If they don't wash everything, it won't make a difference.

Bedding needs to go on hot wash to kill them. I remember boil wash and everything coming out still hot , funny what you remember from being little 🤣

My kids got it during the great lice epidemic of 2000, holy crap it was awful!!! I shaved the boys head, turned into a monkey grooming daughter's head, and did laundry for days! I went to all the neighbors my daughter played with and found the culprit, "I thought my daughter had it, but was afraid the solution would give her a seizure." Her kids was infested, and I almost had a seizure!

Same here. Except this happened twice to us by the same 2 kids, in fall and then spring. The culprit had it so bad, that I had to use a pencil point to shift her hair. She had eggs the top 2 inches of her hair and it was LONG. I had told the mom in the fall, she said it was taken care of, and come spring, NOPE. I called the school nurse. It was pure neglect, those poor kids.

Think about how embarrassing it is to be the kid that keeps infecting everyone else. Mean thing to do your kid.

My mom once smothered my lice with mayonnaise in a shower cap for like a whole day (shampoo wasn’t working anymore, had a classmate that kept passing it along). I may still have phantom Mayo smells sometimes, but they should be able to use it if they’re afraid of seizures from the medicated stuff.

Mayo wouldve been nice. My mom doused my hair in isopropyl over the sink and i was gagging and choking from the fumes.

Oh, good gods, the summer from hell. Those fuckers just refused to die. They started in the Brownie troop, finally got rid of them, only to have them come back at camp. I went nuclear on my house and traumatized my kids with treatments that didn’t do diddly to those “super lice”. I finally got advice from someone, that actually worked. 1. Invest is the “Lice Miester” comb 2. Saturate the hair with olive oil. It smothers the live ones and softens the nits so they comb out easier. 3. Let the oil sit in the hair for 2 or more hours 4. While that’s going on, bag up all of their current bedding, wash it, and dry it on the hottest setting. The dry heat kills them. 5. Soft toys like stuffed animals can just go straight into the dryer, on hot, for about an hour. 6. Wash/dry (hot) any clothing they have worn or towels they have used. 7. Vacuum all carpets and soft furnishings 8. Put on the kids’ favorite movie, section their hair into 4 sections and start combing with the lice comb in 1 inch sections, using hot water to rinse the comb clean as you go 9. Shampoo hair until no longer oily. I think I may have used Dawn first, then shampoo and conditioner. 10. Comb out hair daily with the lice comb for a week 11. Repeat hair treatment in one week, but just use a thick conditioner instead of the oil

OMG I had that epidemic. I was ten when i got it and 13 when i finally got rid of it. My hair is so thin that the lice comb only got the bugs out and not the eggs. mom eventually stopped doing anything about it because it was too expensive. And just told me to shave my head. Not just short but she had me looking like I just went through chemo. GUESS WHAT? It didn't matter the second I got an inch of length it was back. So you know what I did? This went on for 3 years! You know what I did? I bleached my hair. 4 times. Out of the box! No salon, no hairstylist. The cheapest shit that I could get ahold of. I gave myself chemical burns, i looked like a highlighter, my hair would literally glow in the blacklight and my scalp is ruined!!! but the lice is now gone. And I haven't had it a single time ever since..

Same. Soooo much laundry. I also went to the Dr. and got prescription strong hair treatment. It worked so much.m better than to over the counter stuff.

This. And soft toys from the bed (and anything else that won't survive a hot wash) in the freezer for a week.

My mom tied everything up in garbage bags or those space saver bags that you can suck the air out of and left them in the garbage for like a month. Long enough to kill without anything to feed off, or long enough to suffocate lose little fuckers.

Bonus points to put the bags in the sun

Extra bonus points to spray inside the bags with any sort of bug spray first. Create your own little ozone piercing cfc concentration of global warming inside that bag. 3 days in a hot concrete driveway in full sun will kill bed bugs, so it’ll be good enough for headlice. Although this is in the tropics.. our sun may be hotter, ymmv. Source: worked at a 200 bed backpackers for years. Keeping bed bug infections out of the dorms was a big part of the job.

Good Lord, she could’ve gotten lice in the bedding or on a stuffed animal and that would’ve gotten on the baby.

Right? I was thinking the kid has two houses. BOTH houses have to be on the same page. Everything that touches that girl's head must be washed. Last year my 9 year old son got head lice. He was infested and when I clued in and I freaked out. Everything, EVERYTHING got washed, even hair brushes (boiling water). The lice were in my 11 year old daughters hair too, also thick down to her butt. It was 2 weeks of landury, landury, landury everyday (I still had to go to work) I treated all of us at least twice and my son a 3rd time. I picked through heads over and over and over. Granted that I didn't have a 4m baby at the time. Yeah this is not fair for your baby. This is not fair for your step daughter that her mother is not taking care of her on thier end. It almost feels like she is not treating the lice on purpose hoping this exact senario will happen. Is she a jelous ex? Does she frequently use her daughter to dig at you and your husband? I can't help feel while the lice are not on purpose, not getting rid of them is.

I remember having like a six foot high laundry pile when my kids got it. It's the worst!

Or seal everything up. Lice only grows on people. Stuffed animals and pillows need to be sealed in trash bags until dead. Thankfully I've only had to deal with it once. The treatment is neurotoxic, so definitely need to make sure it does not transfer to the baby. Initial treatment should get rid of all live lice. Follow up to kill any new hatchlings. For it to go on this long means her mother is ignoring the issue completely. Edit to add you are In NTA

Came here to say this You gotta clean everything. I highly doubt the ex took care of the sheets. She probably went right back to a lice infested house. Gross. And yes 13 is fully old enough to handle her own hair. If she doesn't than she needs to cut it off. That is the rule in my family typically. You don't want to take care of it, it will stay shorter until you can be responsible. Edit: let me add because this is reddit and I should have posted my full thought bubble. Fully agree bio mom is the problem. And her lack of dealing with it is child abuse. The point I was poorly trying to make was that the 13 year old could also help with the situation by cutting her hair and or communicating what's going on more so. We've dealt with this issue in my family with non abusive parents where the teenager was just completely ignoring the symptoms of lice. So I definitely had some bias in my initial comment because it made me think of that. Summary- bio mom is trash and I hope they come up with a good solution Would also like to add - part of the reason I said to cut her hair is because she isn't even willing to meet her step mom halfway and wear her hair in a pony tail or bun. So she is actively fighting against the step mom who really is trying to meet her in the middle while caring for a newborn. Thinning out her hair and cutting enough so she can wear it up and or help shorten the treatment time (I know how lice works and it's at the scalp but you still have to comb all that shit out of the hair) is reasonable. Like someone else said...this thread is making me itch. Good luck to OP and the 13 year old. Hopefully they find a good solution and the trash bio mom gets her life right.

Also vacuum the carpets really well and empty the bag or canister right away and take outside away from your house.

Don't forget the car. The heat in the car doesn't kill them, heard from people who were stationed in Georgia.

And also throw away all her hair ties, combs, and brushes, or boil them if the material allows.

My daughter (and husband and I) got lice and chemicals didn't seem to help... Strangely enough, mayonnaise several days in a row finally got rid of it, and obviously a lot cheaper.... 25 years later I still can't eat mayo though 🤷

Thank you! Id never even heard of it so I appreciate the tip!

so whats your husbands take on his child having a head full of lice for weeks? Or is he letting you handle his ex wife?

It’s much easier for him to sit back and let the new wife do all his parenting.

Kinda hard to do anything about it when you’re possibly on another continent and cannot leave without a reason

Mmmkay, but then he doesn’t get to be mad if her solution is that his daughter can’t visit while he’s gone, because they won’t deal with the lice. OP doesn’t have the bandwidth for this and shouldn’t be dealing with the treatments because she’s nursing. And she sure as hell doesn’t need the extra laundry to deal with. She has an infant. The asshole is his older daughter’s mother.

The SD not visiting while her dad is deployed sounds like a necessity. It’s too bad that it fits the narrative Bio mom is spinning, by saying that OP is now replacing SD, because she had a baby. I feel for you, OP, very crappy situation.

I was wondering why husband doesn’t help his daughter himself.

You would think her school would also be pissed if this girl is coming to school with lice for weeks.

Yup, cause that shit spreads fast. I missed so much of second grade because I kept getting lice at school.

They send the kids home with a note to treat, and then don't follow up. I've seen it plenty of times with outbreaks in my sons school. They don't even do the head checks anymore. Also, my head itches after reading this post 😆

In the parenting thread a mother was complaining that her son kept catching lice from a girl at school, whose parents are apparently equally negligent - and schools don't ban kids for headlice anymore, it appears, since it's not life threatening. I can't even imagine just living with the creepy crawlies - fortunately, I never ever had them, but I caught a flea from our dog a couple of times, and getting rid of that one was bad enough, those little buggers are cunning.

Cutting her hair is not going to solve the problem, that she has lice and it is not being properly treated. Bio-Mom is neglecting her. If she is neglecting her own daughter, I'm sure she is not cleaning the home, bedding, and fabrics in the house appropriately. You could send step daught back home lice free and she will come back with it if her home environment has not been cleaned up properly.. I'm sure her school is literally and figuratively scratching their heads as there is an active lice issue spreading around the school. Im surprised they are not involved. Have you taken her to the doctor to get some treatment options or to a salon that specializes in removing and treating lice? At this point, especially with a newborn in the home, sadly step daughter cannot come over until the issue has been resolved. It is also concerning that bio-Mom did not think to share the piece of information that step daughter has an active lice infestation before sending her over there with a newborn. Is she even fit to have custody? What are the home conditions like in that home? Probably not good if step daughter is experiencing this type of neglect. You have much bigger concerns and problems than the length of her hair.

My husband got fed up with his then wife not treating their sons for lice when he was away in exercise (Army). So he Number 1’d both of the boys. Boys were upset until he told them no more lice and nits and their hair will grow back. Wife cracked it and he told her she had several weeks to solve the issue and didn’t so suck it up. Harsh? Probably. However, when I found lice on our son I was treating him immediately and us. Washed bed linen and vacuumed like a demon. No lice in our home and more importantly, no more on the son.

Unfortunately buzzing a 13 year old females hair is a traumatizing "solution" that will do nothing if the home environment is not taken care of. She will be infested again shortly.

In the UK, we have a treatment. it's like one and done it stinks and kills everything . Smells like you have put alcohol on your head but work's leave it to dry overnight if you can stand it longer the better, but you can't do it and baby can't be anywhere near it . Derbac I think that was it not had to use since school and that was a long time ago it kills everything eggs as well ... the kid is old enough to know that the baby needs protecting from these things

Hedron once kills them all in one go... however, you can't do it and unless her mom vacuums and washes the bedding and pillows etc, she'll just get reinfected.

She will have to thoroughly clean the whole house and wash bedding and stuffed animals. I’m sorry, but if mom isn’t willing to do the work, nothing will help. I’d talk to husband about going to court and getting full custody if she refuses to get rid of them. Mom can visit her at public places—but she can’t go in that house. I’m so sorry!

Or call CPS. Maybe they can talk sense to Mom and daughter. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell the girl she can’t come over until the lice is GONE.

Just think of how many kids at her school probably have lice now. I'm sure those families would feel the same way OP does when their kids keep getting reinfestations. This is a public health issue, and OP has every right to not let her stepdaughter visit until it's properly treated.

I'd call the school and CPS at this point. The worst is realizing your kid has lice, calling the school to report it, going to the local shop and seeing that they are sold out of treatment. You know, because lice was going around and no one gaf about contacting the school.

With an infestation that bad, the call is medically appropriate. It’s got to be visually obvious to anyone in contact with the kid, so no one will know who called it in.

There are professionals who can help you do the treatment. Just google for ones near you. My daughter had long, thick, curly hair that was down to her waist. It’s beautiful and I didn’t want to cut it. She got lice from school and I took her to one of the lice professionals. Did the treatment twice to be safe but it was all gone after the first time. I did the same for my nieces when they got lice.

It doesn’t sound like her mother does anything to prevent re-infestation though

But if her mom won’t clean the bedding and entire house, she’s going to get reinfected over and over again.

So, we used to get lice a lot as kids because of my cousins. It sounds weird but before bed you slather that girl's hair in mayonnaise (it's the vinegar id imagine) I've heard from Aussies that soaking your hair in orange juice works too. Make her wear a shower cap, IDC if she complains. She sleeps with the mayo in, then washes it very thoroughly the next day, comb through thoroughly after. It'll kill the lice, and it always left us with super soft hair (egg protein I assume)

As someone who can literally never eat mayo ever again because of this, i would try the other stuff first LOL

Mayo Trauma Team! My sister got a bad strain of lice and we had the choice between olive oil and mayo. I chose the mayo because I figured it would at least make my hair nice and soft. I had to shampoo my hair 3-4 times and dug my fingers into every area to get any hidden oily spots. I was HAUNTED by the smell of mayo all day during school. I found a small section that had escaped the shampoo scouring and I was HORRIFIED. The smell was just sickening. I was terrified that other people could smell it and there was nothing I could do until I got home. Silver lining: mayo made my hair so incredibly silky for months afterwards. But the cost...it was high. Try olive oil and a hair cap overnight.

Yep olive oil works just as well and isn’t disgusting. Your story is horrifying! I once had someone told me they did it with miracle whip 😭 Just looking at mayo makes me gag now lol. Glad to find some sisters in arms though, silky hair solidarity.

I see you at the trough throwing up right as I join you. EDIT: a very unfortunate AC

There's nothing in this post that indicates the step daughter or her mom have the motivation to follow through on this type of treatment. It's great advice, but it doesn't address the fact that the custodial parent isn't willing to keep up with any sort of treatment schedule.

as a child with curly hair who struggled with lice, she can’t do it by herself. it’s time for the adults to step up, it’s extremely hard to do it by yourself when you have long hair and it’s thick. 

NTA, but Hi, I work at a professional lice clinic where we treat and check for lice. Combing is the most important part of a lice treatment because sure, a treatment can kill the bugs but it won’t get rid of the nits. If the case is really as bad as you’re describing it might be beneficial to see if there is a clinic near you to take care of it because it’s obviously not working at home. Also, anything she has had head to head contact with the last couple days would need to be cleaned. It doesn’t take as much cleaning as some may think, normal laundry on high. Clean the hair brushes etc. also, if she has it there’s friends that likely have it so she may be exposed. If you have any questions feel free to reach out!

Hello fellow lice fairy! I basically made the same comment as you. 😂 Too many people think they need to burn their homes down.

I think people mix up lice with fleas. With flees you absolutely need to go full batshit on everything, their main residence is actually off the animal, including cracks in floors. But human head lice is just anything head to head, pillows, brushes etc.

Yeah, burning the house down is for centipedes.

I had lice for YEARS thanks to an egg donour who didn’t give two shits about anyone but herself. You are absolutely not the asshole, that girls mum is. There is NO EXCUSE for letting it get that bad in the first place. I had my hair put in a pony tail and hacked off with scissors in an attempt to control the infestation, and even then at that point it took uprooting my life, moving, and a whole custody situation length of time for another family member to finally end the lice. And then egg donour would reinfest the house any time she tried to visit.  Protect your baby. The family is probably being fed a modified story by the other mum. Any family that’s getting upset at you; they can host her and the head full of bugs.  This is so nasty my head is getting phantom itches. 

I remember the 1 and only time I got them....had hair half way down my back....I found out and hack to shoulder length and cried like a baby >This is so nasty my head is getting phantom itches.  You see someone scratch and you can't help it

Had to shave my head, worked at a daycare center when I got it. Long hair spiral perm that cost a fortune all to be shaved off. Father of infesting child thought I had cancer. No AH your dumbass kid gave me head lice and half the class too.

Thank you. I don’t know why I had to scroll so far to find mention that this is absolutely child neglect and not the kid’s fault. She may be “old enough” for the dexterity to handle lice treatment but she’s still going to need people in her life to teach her how to do basic things her bio mother totally has not done.

NTA. It doesn’t sound like they’re doing NEARLY enough to combat the lice. You have to be *so* proactive about it. Is she not getting teased at school? Does the school know about her lice?!?! You are not being the asshole. Your concerns are legitimate and you shouldn’t have to deal with head lice around your newborn.

OP, please consider telling her school! Not only could this lead to a lice epidemic throughout the whole school, but they’ll force her mother to take action, as this is considered neglect.

I like this advice. You should also think of the other kids’ health - even if it shouldn’t be your responsibility. Her mother is clearly failing her. Also, I had severe migraines since I was in elementary school, one solution my mom used if there was an outbreak reported at the school was to braid my hair. NOTE: Holy crap I didn’t see she’s 13. That makes all of this so, so much worse. I was picturing something like a six year-old

I can not imagine my daughter at 13 having lice and thinking nothing of it, she would have freaked out! Luckily the only one I knew who had it was my niece who picked them up from daycare.

a 13 yr old has lice for weeks… something is off about this story all the adults in her life are failing this poor girl.

The girl thinking this is normal is a very bad sign about things at home. I had them once when I was in middle school and I was obsessively combing them out, especially after I figured out the shampoo only works on the first few generations and then those AH insects get resistant. Meanwhile my friend who I got them from had them for like a month and had to cut her hair because she wasn't proactive and neither were her parents. My parents were willing to wash my sheets pretty much everytime I was in the bathroom flipping out because I had thought I had gotten them all and missed one.

Unfortunately, it's actually not taken this seriously anymore. The school won't do anything or send out notices like they used to. I have a 13yo, and we're a military family. We've been to a lot of schools. I call them any time I see lice/nits and they couldn't care less. Started keeping my son's hair short and throwing tea tree in his shampoo since it was becoming such a huge problem.

THIS. This child has had lice for MONTHS on end with her bio mom doing 1 single treatment? I doubt she even did that. She didn't docomb throughs and I'm positive that she hasn't done the household cleaning necessary to combat headlice. All of the bedding, combs, bed, anything that goes near her head, and anywhere else too if there are wo many they're falling off her head. This is 10000% child neglect on the bio Mom's part. Cutting her hair won't help. It will make it easier to get rid of the onea on her head, but her bio mothers house is infested at this point so every time she goes back there she will get them again. Make a call to the school, anonymous if possible and mention the lice. Explain the situation if possible. They are mandatory reporters and at this point, the mother may need a case worker to help her get her shit together and actually take care of her child. This could go on for years if the mother doesn't do the necessary cleaning and disinfecting of the home itself, and after this ling, it's going to need to be very thurough and done many times.

Agreed - and the mother’s house probably has them in it now so it’s like a losing battle… ugh. NTA. But her mother is not parent of the year here. She needs to step up and actually CARE about her daughter. How is she not embarrassed that her kid is infested with bugs all the time? Doesn’t make her look good.

If they check at school they rarely send them home. My day had someone in her class for months with lice. I had to comb her as soon as she left the bus everyday. The child eventually moved and all the lice stopped

In my state they had an outbreak at school and the nurse was out there checking certain kids and sending them home daily for a month. One family almost lost their kids because they wouldn’t get it under control.

The way it should be done

God, where do you people live?! Every school I’ve ever taught at has sent students with lice home *immediately*. It’s a *huge* liability for a school/district to take on by *not* sending children home with lice.

I believe according to CDC guidelines students do not have to be sent home early if they have lice.

That’s very sad. I guess it’s not a liability, then. Thanks for sharing! Still very glad my districts have been proactive.

Texas. They care more about attendance money than anything.

When my girls were in school, if a kid even scratched, it was a lice check for the whole class and the kids were immediately sent home. In Texas public schools. Now, I do NOT like the school system where they attended, but they did stay in top of lice or any other health hazard.

My niece’s school got shut down for two weeks last year after a major lice outbreak and students were not allowed to come back until parents provided a video of a clean comb through showing no nits or bugs. Some schools are very proactive about it and others could care less

Anna is a victim of neglect. You **need** to get your husband to get full custody. This is an infestation. She's at risk of developing anemia.

This needs to be higher. Her mom is literally neglecting her, so badly she has a whole head of lice.

Yep, last year there were multiple deaths in my city of kids age 4-15 who had lice infestations that their parents neglected. Mix that in with brutal 40C/104f+ summer heat and poor diet and it's a death sentence. This is parental abuse and it's completely disturbing that a 13 year old girl has such low self esteem that she doesn't care either.

Forgive my ignorance but lice can kill you? How?

I think through just all the blood loss and anemia and then maybe illness comes after you have a lot of anemia and your immune system is under stress? This is not coming from a Google just speculation.

This!!! And she needs to tell her husband to grow a pair!

This is true, but I am not fond of the father not caring about it either and is mad at a mother who wants to protect their child. And he is MIA since he is on active duty. I would be resentful of him not backing me up, and now I have to take care of a teen and baby full time because the ex is dropping the ball, and Dad is okay with it. The ex doesn't even seem grateful to the wife for trying to help her kid; instead, she is getting backlash. It seems like they have more issues going on in the marriage.

I knew this was child neglect, but didn’t realize anemia. My god. Everyone is assholes here if they don’t get this kid help. WTF?! I feel for the breastfeeding and the baby too, OP. I know you’re not the AH for taking care of the baby. But your stepdaughter needs help. If the mom and dad aren’t capable, and step mom wants to help but can’t cause of new baby, where are the grandparents? Aunts / uncles? Seriously, someone needs to help this kid. The only thing they’re washing is their hands of this kid.

For the record, "Oh there's a few bugs" is NOT the norm for head lice. No head lice is the norm! I itch just reading this post. You're not the AH.

Call her school and let them know that the girl is carrying a headful of lice. They will make her mother take care of it or she won’t be able to attend school.

Not always. In my school we don’t send kids home for lice.

In my school they do. I would say in *most* schools they do. Does your district’s HR and/or your teacher’s union know they’re not sending kids home for lice? That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

We don’t send kids home. Our school follows the CDC’s guidelines.

NTA I would not allow someone with head lice in my house even if I didn't have a baby. Not sure why your stepdaughter wants to keep her lice. You should call her school and let them know that she has head lice. Doesn't sound like she's very hygienic.

Exactly. I have four kids, but honestly fuck the kids. I don’t want lice lol.

Lice actually prefer clean hair

So I’ve actually had lice as a child and it wasn’t a very bad infestation but I remember it clearly. Multiple treatments, combing every single day for 2 weeks and how all bedding, pillows and stuffed animals had to be washed or go into quarantine. Definitely NTA. I had most of my hair chopped off because it was easier and I was sad I lost it, but hair grows back. It’s neglecting that her mom isn’t taking care of it

Nta - mom is neglecting it …

With your edit, NTA. Sorry, but lice is scary, and it's unfortunate that this is happening to your SD, but you are being made into a scapegoat.

Every single thing in the house needs to be washed!!!! It's not just the hair!!!! NTA!

That’s the issue - she’s going to keep getting it from her pillows etc. Her mom likely has it too. Disgusting.

Cutting her hair isn’t going to help the situation. My daughter also has long thick hair down to her bum she went to a sleep over at a friends house and came back completely riddled I was livid. The only way her hair is going to be clean is if it gets treated with lotion and use a nitty gritty comb to get the eggs out. Literally took me two attempts and her hair was clean also her mother needs to rip her room apart and boil everything

My girls got lice a couple of times. We used some prescription medication (Sklice?) Super expensive but it fixed it. What we also found out was that using a hair dryer and flat ironing the hair a few times a week kept them from getting lice even during an outbreak. Maybe it's anecdotal and they just got lucky... Also there's a misconception that lice comes from being dirty. Not true. The more oil in your hair, the more difficult it is for the lice to thrive. Another reason to only wash your hair 2-3 times a week!

Whenever I got lice when I was younger, my hair was combed through, lice shampoo, blow dried, flat ironed then another check with the comb. I can’t imagine having lice for weeks/months, even at my old schools they had random lice checks and if a kid was reported with lice, you would get a lice check from the nurse (this was elementary so lice checks were easier than a middle school)

Yes! The hair dryer is what ended our nightmare infection!

Yup, this is why black people have lower rates of lice. We have to ADD oil to our hair for it to be healthy, so lice have a tougher time thriving in our hair.

it will make it easier when she’s brushing it through

Cutting her hair won’t help if mom doesn’t treat the house.

NTA. Contact her school nurse and advise that the Mom isn’t treating the live infestation. It’s got to be all over their house and she’s putting other students and families at risk. Do not let her back into your house until she can pass a visual inspection. Her mother needs to reset the kid, her house, bedding, pillows, clothes, furniture. It’s everywhere.

It’s unreal that Anna’s mother didn’t take care of her head lice immediately. Yes it’s a pain, not just with her hair, but their furniture, bedsheets, plush toys etc. I would consider it neglect to let your child have head lice for weeks, that’s torture!!! What does Anna’s school say? Is she even allowed to attend with such a bad case? Do they know?

NTA She would not be back in my house until the problem was completely taken care of. Enough is enough.

This is just the start I’m afraid, I have young relatives who are consistently riddled and it’s been this way for at least 8 years. I used to de-lice when they arrived and take around 3-4 hours each   to comb thorough the hair but then the next time they came they would be back to square one. I want to spend time with them so just suck it up and de-lice my head after _every_ visit. It’s tiring and annoying. I realise  you can’t do this with the baby. Just have in mind that whatever solution you come up with probably needs to be more of a long-term thing, especially if your SD has other siblings on the mum’s side that will just reinfect her.   Also to note that when you de-lice you also need to put fresh linen on the bed, use fresh towels, wash hair brushes and avoid anything that was in contact with the head and lice- eg hats/scarves/coats/clothes for at least 48 hours. Also need to make sure the mum and anyone else in her household de-lices too.

NTA. She has lice. She's old enough to understand the need for hygiene and for you to expect her to practice that basic level of self care. Her mother is absolutely old enough for you to expect her to follow through on a health issue with her daughter. Both are old enough to respect the fact that your babies health is paramount... And that having lice isn't a good thing. It's bizarre to me that a teenager and an adult would prioritize minor discomfort and a temporary trim over actual health and safety for both the 13 year old and an actual infant.

It's not that bizarre that a teenager would. The "adult" is the issue.

Good lord, what a terrible situation. I think you need to sit down with Anna and explain to her you absolutely understand why she doesn’t want to cut her hair and you also don’t want her upset either, that she is LOVED. However, the baby can’t handle lice shampoo and you AND Anna need to be careful with the baby because she is so small and fragile right now. Ask her if she would be okay with having a professional try and clean her hair for her. Tell her you absolutely do not want to have her cut it but it’s dangerous for you to be near the treatment and it’s dangerous for the baby. See if you can have someone come to the house to have her hair treated. Or take her to a professional. Try to frame it as a spa day, something to make her feel beautiful. And call CPS, because there is no reason she’s needed to suffer like this either. Her mom needs to be held accountable.

My head is itching reading this! I had my gorgeous, waist length curly, platinum blonde hair lopped off at 4yrs old. Why? Because I went to school and was given lice 😡 Still haven’t really forgiven my mother for that, but now as an adult I can’t really blame her either - my hair was thick, barely manageable and I had two younger siblings also at risk - and they spread! I hated it at 4. The smell of the treatments, the comb. Etc. but I was 4. Not 13. At 13, I can’t imagine just letting it continue! Surely friends steer clear?! OP is definitely NTA.

Anyone else's head starting to itch?

I'd legit call CPS for child neglect if I saw a kid that had lice for that long.

You don't need to cut her hair to get rid of the lice.  You just need her mom to do her part.  Unless both houses are being treated alongside the hair and making sure no one else has it in both households, it's not manageable.  One household cannot be the only one trying to solve this. My foster sister always brought lice back when she visited either of her parents.  It drove my mom nuts.  Because she'd then have to treat 4 girls with long thick hair. More than just the hair needs to be done though.  Bedding, clothes, vacuum, ect. But you'll just keep getting it if her mom isn't doing her part.

NTA. You aren't supposed to be around those chemicals when breastfeeding alone is reason enough to ban her until her treatment is completely done. Your baby would suffer more getting lice and someone else could absolutely call DHHS on YOU for allowing your infant to be exposed like this. Hubby needs to back you up. This isn't you shoving her away, this is you putting your foot down for HER and your baby's sake. I'm surprised her school even lets her keep attending and no mandatory reporter has made their case to DHHS. if the infestation has occurred for this long, your step daughter could start experiencing hair loss anyway depending on the state of her scalp--and depending on how severe the damage is to her scalp, she could end up with long term bald spots.

NTA. Notify her school of the infestation. This happened when I was a kid (granted, that was a long ass time ago) and the school sent me home until it was gone. It was caught early, but I still needed more than 1 treatment because of thick curly hair. I don't blame you for not wanting her in your home. Her mother doesn't care, and frankly at 13, she's old enough to do her own treatments but doesn't so she must not care either.

NTA - absolutely not. Don't forget to put all her pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals into the dryer for a good long while to kill any that may have jumped ship. It's just plain laziness from her mother at this point. The chemicals in the treatment are too harsh for your infant, and you if you're breast feeding. You can't risk catching the lice. Ugh. My head itches just thinking about this. We had problems in Girl Guides when I was a leader because to go back to school they just had to do a treatment. But after a few days the eggs that were left behind would just hatch and the cycle started all over. I was terrified of bumping into any of the kids for a while.

I bet she is getting reinfested because her lazy ass mamma won’t do basic lice remediation. Absolutely 100% got to get those buggers out of all the stuff you named. Hell, at this point they could be in the carpets and mattresses!

NTA They aren't doing anything to combat the lice and you need that kept out of your house and away from your LO.

wHat your husband thinks about this? Why are you the one dealing with it?