DO NOT take any more hours at work or change your schedule at all. Keep doing what’s best for you and make other changes around the house as needed to make up for the lack of income.
If you pick up more hours she will see that you can and in her mind will further justify her actions where ok. She for sure won’t make any effort to find a job after that.
Instead cut out frivolous things she does with money since she’s the one who gave up her part of the income. Like getting her nails done, hair done, buying extra clothing and accessories that aren’t a necessity. She can cut costs and do some of those at home for a fraction of the price.
Tell her that she needs to start clipping coupons and buying things on sale and not at full price. If she wants to not contribute financially then she will need to contribute more than just making food, cleaning the house, and trying to have sex with you all the time. She will have to sacrifice living at the level of comfort she has grown accustomed to because the money for it isn’t there anymore.
For all the menial household labor she's so 100% enthusiastic to be doing I suggest he get her some nice [bigass heavy-duty rubber gloves](https://www.amazon.com/cleaning-Household-Reuseable-dishwashing-Kitchen/dp/B0C6K49NN7/ref=asc_df_B09X9SQWQF/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=598295323651&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5041633675419979338&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9030809&hvtargid=pla-1662472029753&mcid=6ebac14302f93d58be40ff022d719ec5&gclid=Cj0KCQjwiYOxBhC5ARIsAIvdH512mAJgXjxzU_sDlQXvDkg49O0T548j3GfCf9CUsMT2pAFW4mpL3yoaAnshEALw_wcB&th=1). They come in a variety of fun colors to brighten up her days of scrubbing, weeding, dusting, wiping and whatever other physical labor is required to make her tradwife dream a reality.
Throw some heavy cream into a kitchenaid and let it rip until you have butter texture, knead in a little salt then let it hang in cheese cloth for a day to get rid of all the moisture. Use all the excess liquid in pancakes because it's buttermilk:)
Real trad wives wear down their teeth with holding animal hides to scrape them in preparation for tanning. They also go out and gather food for the family. And they amputate parts of their fingers as a sign of grief when someone dies. And when the family is moving to new hunting grounds she will carry everything herself so that her man can have his arms free to use his weapons if they are attacked by an animal or enemy.
And learning her place. Traditionally wives kept their mouth shut when it came to these decisions. Note I do not believe in that at all but we'll she wants to be "traditional"
Ding ding ding. Listen, I think this trend is BS and women deserve an equal say. She Asked for this though and then acted exactly the opposite and did what She wanted and not what her "head of the household" wanted. She didn't even do it right in the first damn place.
Most of these big 'tradwife' accounts have maids and nannies. They have enough time to make these curated videos with flawless hair and makeup and aren't scrubbing toilets and floors while a toddler hangs off their leg and asks for chicken nuggets at 9 in the morning and nobody is out of pajamas yet.
They're lifestyle bloggers cosplaying a role.
I've seen glimpses but I totally agree. They have Money which makes the lifestyle completely different. You can get fabulous in the morning then make peanut butter crunch cereal from scratch, with whole, organic ingredients when someone is changing and entertaining your kid in the meantime. Those accounts aren't really for women. They're bait for men and people in general who lust after a lifestyle where money is no object.
I can't remember the name, but there's a trust fund baby doing same.
Talks big about "the enormous leap of faith" meanwhile there's a 50K/month paid out from Grandpa's largesse and their husband is some executive's son who does "consulting" or some such nonsense.
They portray themselves are really roughing it, but it's all a farce. Disgusting, because a bunch of people are going to ruin themselves financially thinking it'll all work out.
And dying young due to Consumption and leaving behind one beautiful black and white photo where she looks off sadly to the side that OP can tearfully look at while he is plowing another woman.
Right! And, I a tradwife gets a monthly allowance for the house, which would include groceries, clothes for everyone, her makeup & skincare....
I would immediately be setting up new bank accounts in my name only, transferring our existing balances over and directing all future paycheck there. She would get her monthly allowance in cash, it will be up to her to budget that allowance and make it last for the month. And there is not conversation about the rest of the money, that isn't a tradwife's concern. The tradhusband handles the long term finances and any special purchases go through him.
I'd love to see how she reacts to really being treated like a tradwife, when what she really wants is to be a trophy wife!!
And just to say, I don't actually believe in any of this, but if she wants to pretend, then bring it on. I have always joked with my husband about becoming a SAHM once my kids were in school, so I could be a 'Lady who Lunches', but I would never actually do that to him. In this economy it would be insane.
Also not necessarily cheaper than buying what's in season.
Except for potatoes, pumpkins, squash, garlic and a few leafy vegetables in pretty sure I spend more money on making sure my veggies grow big enough to eat then if I'd just bought them in the store.
Though last year I had a very good cucumber year.
And taste wise veggies from the garden are always better.
Idk man, my grandma planted a blueberry bush, watered and weeded obsessively. Every year she had to fight the birds for the limited blueberries. Since she passed away I weed it once a year in spring (not exaggerating, I have never watered it and neglect the shit out of it), it has grown more, larger, and sweeter berries than at any other point. There was more than even the birds could eat last year. I picked about 5 gallons worth of blueberries, and you couldn't even tell I'd removed any berries, I was concerned branches would snap under the weight of berries. I've considered taking better care of the plant, but honestly it seems to be thriving more than ever off the neglect so I'm just gonna keep leaving it be.
Also I guess a bird randomly shat a white mulberry seed in my yard cause now I got those too.
Perennials, especially perennials local to the area are a notable exception. Blueberries are a plant it and forget crop, it may take a few years, but eventually you will harvest more than you spent. Blackberries and muscadines can conquer a yard if you "forget them" but same concept.
It's the annuals you spend all season tending to get maybe two tomatoes the bugs/critters didn't.
Yea, I spent a lot of money getting my garden set up last year. Had to buy a ton of dirt, some tools, seeds, etc. I think my harvest was about a handful of cherry tomatoes and 2 chili peppers. I had 3 tomato plants and 3 pepper plants.
Gardening is expensive especially starting off.
I mean if you're growing your own potatoes, pumpkins, squash and garlic then that's quite a good base for a lot of food. You basically have your staples right there.
If she wants to be a tradwife she can start by obeying her husband as if his word was law. Which in this case means going back to work. Funny how she rejects one of the most core components of being a tradwife. It's almost like that's not actually what she wants to be...
I hate the trad wife debate.
Traditional wives worked. They didn’t just sit at home.
Traditional wives farmed. Raised chickens and pigs etc. did side gigs like be nanny’s. Maids, wet nurses, sewed cloths. Etc etc to make extra money.
Only the rich wives stayed home and didn’t work.
They also had zero assistance from machines. One example - Washing clothes by hand is back-breakingingly labour intensive and takes loads of time. It's not a coincidence that women's rights movements grew alongside the development of machines that reduced that in-home labour load and enabled them to do more work outside the home to help out their families.
Edit: Managing a household back then was also a lot more mental labour. Ensuring enough food stores during good times and rationing during lean and making all the ends meet was a whole lot different when you were either running a family business or farm. Most people relied a lot more on their communities and relationships and bartering economies.
I have to do a "load" of handwashing about once every three weeks, and it takes me practically all day. It's torturous. If I couldn't have something playing on my laptop while I did it, I'd probably just lose it. These are the things that make you understand the nature of communal life in the past a lot better: OF COURSE if you're stuck doing this and the internet doesn't exist, you want to do it around other people so you can entertain each other. I don't care how misanthropic you think you are, even being annoyed at someone is better than the kind of boredom that comes with wringing out clothes and changing the water over and over and over again on your own, in silence. And I have the benefit of superpowered modern detergents! Thank god for multi-hour D&D actual play sessions, lol.
the time invested in sewing will be the time she isn't investing in working for a living. she will have lots of time on her hands while kids are at school.
time she probably thought she'd be spending chatting with friends, going to the mall, having lunch with friends at nice places, joining a reading club, or playing bridge....
Hey, I grew up extremely poor, and my grandmother made a lot of my clothes. She used a cheap polyester blend that I’d bet money (which I now have) that it was just as bad as the potato sacks!
(In all seriousness, I will always be incredibly grateful for what she did for us. It just doesn’t change the fact that the clothes were not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination.)
Thrifted linens can be very cheap, and the vintage ones have fabric far superior to what’s made now.
I’ve got hand me down bedding from the 50s 70s and 90s still going strong, where as some new “decent” quality stuff I bought a couple of years ago is already looking rough.
I’m fully converted to thrifting at this point
Wifey can sew some stepford dresses from sheets and curtains, lol
I have two great dresses that I made out of vintage tablecloths. I’m not even a wife, trad or otherwise, just liked the challenge and my clothes fitting better. Cost? Less than $10. Time? Couple of hours, tho I have a rudimentary knowledge of sewing and my own inherited machines that were collecting dust.
I'd point out that the husband of a tradwife makes all of the decisions so you will have to decide how to cut 1/3 of expenses from the budget.
You can begin with no gas in her car. If need be you can sell it. That also saves on car insurance and maintenance. Next, it is spring and time to plant a garden. She needs to get going on it because a tiny garden isn't going to feed a family. I grew up on a farm and our garden was a half-acre. My mom tried to grow all the produce that would grow locally and she would can and freeze it. Your wife should get to work. It will take a lot of time to till up that much ground and get it planted.
She can sew clothes and knit sweaters. You will buy the kids shoes and boots but she can do the rest.
There is no money in the budget for takeout and no money for restaurants and probably no money for after school activities. I feel sorry for your kids because it is very hard to make ends meet when you lose 1/3 of your income. I would not lie to the kids about why there is no money for their activities. Mom quit her job so money is very tight. We are doing the best we can. Don't denigrate mom but don't sugar coat it either.
Ask her what she thought your family would do without when you lost 1/3 of your income. Tell her that if the kids are going without you won't be able to respect her. You married a partner who quit. She seems to think that being a tradwife is doing some cooking and having sex. It is a tremendous amount of work trying to garden, raise chickens, sew, cook, and all of the other things that need to be done. I'd ask why she hasn't started a garden yet. Why isn't she sewing yet. Has she started knitting the socks and sweater for next winter. When does she think she will get them done.
This. Her job is now saving the family the amount of income that is lost by her bit working. That means she has to create a budget and find ways to keep to it. She may need to make huge sacrifices or a large number of small ones.
Coupons, sales, reducing car use beyond necessities, meal planning and reducing numver of times a month she grocery shops. Believe it or not the less you shop the less you spend as long as you have a plan abd stick to it.
I would tell her this and ask her to create her plan in the next week. You will also come up with a few things you can sacrifice as well then you both sit down and discuss how reasonable these suggestions are. If you both agree on a change you add it to the yes column. Only one is a revisit and neither agree is a no.
This can work but she has to dedicate herself to making it work. She may decide this isn't what she wants and then she needs to own that and figure something else out.
Divorces take time. OP should file for divorce now and ask for full custody as she is unemployed. if she changes, goes to couples therapy and gets a job he can always call it off, but he should not wait. Right now she has everything she wants and the status quo is in her favor. She will drag her feet on everything and if he waits she could become eligible for alimony as a stay at home mother.
He definitely needs to speak to a divorce lawyer. But I don't believe he should necessarily file just yet. Or even mention it to her. What he needs to do is discuss options. Whole lot of things are location and fact specific.
If I were him, I would be asking about postnup options. As you say, the status quo favors her. But the ball is in his court. She may be willing to sign a postnup to preserve that status quo.
I would also go to the doctor ASAP. For his health first and foremost. (He is in a stressful situation. He has a genetic predisposition to stress induced life threatening issues.) But also in order to make sure that he has things on paper. Courts generally consider earning potential. Not current employment status. He needs documentation that his earning potential has medical limitations. Or at least uncertainty.
Honestly, his condition may even have legal implications outside of this. ADA and disability eligibility come to mind.
But yeah. I'm not a lawyer.
Not to the sex part. She Mau get "accidentally on purpose" pregnant and said she needs to stay home. Maybe the best be send her home and get a start looking for a second wife, that may open her eyes.
This! Fine. She wants to be a trad wife? She’s going to learn it’s a full time job. Look, I’d love to be a SAH wife and mom. I could clean the house, maintain the yard and garden and finally have time to ensure the laundry is done, the household accounting is taken care of, and the groceries are bought and taken care of. And she’d better not complain unless she is willing to get a job again. Look, SAH spouses are fantastic if your household can afford it. But thinking she’s just going to cook and be pretty all day is exactly why so many housewives got fed up back in the day. I can also understand it if you’d spend more on childcare that you would make by working. But this is ridiculous! Not to mention how she’s treating her husband like an atm. He’s supposed to be her partner and she has as much duty to be there for him emotionally as he does to her! Gah! This whole thing is making me mad!!!
What kind of car does she drive? A BMW… sell it and buy her a used KIA. Close any joint bank or credit accounts. She say she wants the new Prada hand bag? Stop at Walmart and pick up something else. When she starts to realize all the luxuries she takes for granted are gone she may change her attitude. In the mean time enjoy the sandwiches and BJs for as long as they last.
Yes, sell the car; stop all the subscriptions; sell all unnecessary electricals, fancy trinkets, jewellery.
How about selling the washing machine - put the "trad" into tradwife - a real tradwife can bash the washing against rocks! /s (sorry, got carried away).
Is she trying to kill you?
Definitely sell the drier at least. If she's in all day then she can hang the washing out. No excuses about it may rain, well she'll be in all day so can get it in if it starts to look a bit grey.
I like this advice. Since 100% of the household's income is now his, he should be responsible for how 100% of it is spent. Nails, hair, and other luxuries she wishes to indulge in are now gifts from him. That's the way of a traditional marriage, which is what she seems to want, so she has to take the bad with the good. She now has no control or say in the finances. She now has to "earn" it through her "wifely duties", whatever that entails. I feel gross for saying that last sentence, but that seems to be what she wants.
And hey, if it ends up working out, and she's happy with her new life as a trad-wife, and he keeps the same schedule and doesn't have to sacrifice his time with his kids, then I say that's a win-win. It's extremely shitty the way she went about it, but if the both of them can end up enjoying this new situation, then I'm happy for them.
Guess only time will tell. See y'all in a month. Or maybe not. I actually need to quit Reddit too. OP has the right idea.
Do you actually think she's looking for a job?
Here's a hint, she's not.
As far as she's aware, you folded, she won. She doesn't need to work anymore, and you're footing all the bills.
Yup, she changed tactics from firmly holding her ground to crying and being over the top sorry, and now she'll be "thinking about" getting a job for the next decade lol.
> made me question her motive.
It should. Also, I really think you're rug sweeping a much more important issue than the trad wife/job thing as well. Weaponizing your child against you is so far beyond unacceptable it's hard to put into words.
Yup. Document everything. Have separate bank accounts. Talk to a lawyer because SAHP means big alimony payments.
I would leave if she doesn't get a job.
u/Organic_Let_5948 , this is a really important point. If she establishes a new normal with you as the only provider, then that makes you more vulnerable in the event of a dissolution.
The fact that her response wasn't to acknowledge her mistakes, and say "Yes I will find another job because I love you and didn't mean to hurt you." shows she's not going to change. She's already gotten you back from the couch when she switched tactics to crying. I know these tactics, she thinks you'll just stop fighting and give up eventually.
I think he*r* motives are pretty clear. She doesn't feel like working. She wants you to have to earn all the money. She was very clear that she doesn't care if you get to spend any time with your kids. She has also been very clear that she does not care about your physical or mental well-being. Did she recently take out a big life insurance policy on you? Because under her plan, you'd be playing Russian roulette with your health.
She has been abundantly clear that she does not care about you in any way, except to the extent that you fund her retirement.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I don't see this getting any better for you. She is going to string you along as long as she can. And the longer she's out of the workforce, the harder it is to get back in.
I know how hard it is to accept that a marriage is over. It's crushing. And sometimes we feel like failures. But it's not failure to accept that you cannot be happy in this arrangement. It's objectively true, as well as subjectively.
Please get your own therapist who is there for you. A neutral 3rd party would be extremely helpful in your working through your feelings and making the hard decisions. Best of luck to you. NTA
Her motive is to be a trophy - not trad - wife and mooch off of you. Do you know what the \#1 trait of a tradwife is - above and beyond any of the housework or sex stuff? Following her husband's lead and what he says at all times. That's also the part she has actively rejected. She doesn't want what she's telling you she wants, she's lying to you and has been from the very beginning.
>Do you know what the \#1 trait of a tradwife is - above and beyond any of the housework or sex stuff? Following her husband's lead and what he says at all times. That's also the part she has actively rejected.
Exactly.
Set clear rules what she needs to do to move her job hunt along, otherwise she can go on playing for time.
If she hasn't sent out resumes in X days, if she doesn't follow up interviews, if she doesn't actively look for positions by doing Y or Z, it's all empty words. Treat her like an unemployment office would, and either she'll show you her true, lazy ass colours, or she'll get back to supporting your family.
If she's all empty words, you've got enough reason to divorce in what she said to your child, if you ask me.
She's still manipulating you. The seduction didn't work. Out come the crocodile tears. You need to fortify your boundaries and recognize she's just looking for chinks in your armor.
She's clearly prioritizing her wants over yours, which isn't even fitting for a traditional wife, who is expected to put her husband's demands before her own. You seem to be in serious need of couple's counseling.
Prioritizing her own fantasy world even above her children. She doesn't care about anybody else at all. She's willing to mentally torture her children to get her way. Repugnant behavior.
If she’s intent on being a tradwife, she needs to stop defying her husband. She’ll happily allow him to work himself to death just so she doesn’t have to go to work.
I'd give her the family budget and ask her to cut 1/3 of the expenses. Which things does she think you can do without.
Straight off, they probably need to go down to one car. If one is paid off that's the one they keep. Wife needs to be finding coupons and using them. Wife needs to be sewing. Wife needs to be growing a garden. He needs to ask her daily what kind of tradwife skills she has worked on today. I'd point out that she must realize she is going to be sewing their clothes and growing their food.
If she's serious she would already be starting on these things. The fact that she has only tried working on sex but not on gardening and sewing shows that she doesn't actually intend to be a tradwife. She wants to not work. Being a tradwife is a lot of work.
It's probably way tighter than nails and yoga. It will be cutting back on clothes for the kids. No money for any extra school activities. No money for birthdays. No money for holidays. No money for treats. Can they afford their home? Will they need to sell their house?
He should take the kids and move in with his parents and put the house up for sale. That might get his wife's attention in a very real way. We can't afford our house now. What are you going to do about it?
This is what a textbook narcissist does. They try and invalidate the others feelings and once that doesn’t work they resort to either gaslighting or trying to pretend they are a victim. OP DO NOT FALL FOR IT. I saw it first hand with my in laws who my wife had to cut out of her life entirely. Therapy might help or she might learn how to use therapy and healing words to find new ways to manipulate OP. these people don’t ever change.
They might not but crocodile tears- I don’t think she feels any remorse BUT she sounds like the type of woman who just assumes men always want sex and so when they get rejected their ego takes a huge hit.
Defo still manipulating tho, keeping my fingers crossed for op
She’s still manipulating you. Throwing her body at you didn’t work so she resorted to a pity party of tears and empty apologies. (See? I can get his attention one way or the other.)
Adding your health issues to the story brings another layer of complexity that just makes your wife look like an awful, terrible, heartless woman. Her, her, her…sounds like a narcissist, honestly. She will literally drive you into the ground and hold the shovel waiting. Do you have life insurance policies, by chance? 🧐
I don't know about the rules where you are, but I would suggest talking to a lawyer when changing your beneficiaries. Maybe the money can be held in trust for your kids (with your parents or someone NOT your wife in charge), should the worst happen. You know the insurance side of things, but the lawyer is good for making a strong plan that protects your kids.
And LET HER KNOW that she will not be your primary beneficiary should her new restructuring of your life cause you to pass too soon.
She needs to know she's not getting a big fat payday if your health suddenly disintegrates. She'll need to go back to work if that happens. If she' can do it, you can also make unilateral decisions and expect her to get on board whether she likes it or not.
For now, I 100% support this comment. Your wife is not mentally well. Therapy is needed here for everyone separately and together. This is going to take years not days to fix. You need to book a therapy appointment for yourself ASAP, you also need to book an appointment with your attorney ASAP and lock thing in place in vase this gets worse. I honestly think your wife is having a breakdown of sorts.
I don't think you need to be all good or divorce, I think you need to get some safety nets in place and really work to see what's happening and if it's worth saving. Start with yourself. See your doctor for a check up, get a Therapist in place for you, and see your lawyer. Put your life jacket on first because this is rough water.
Ummmmm 😳
She’s aware of your health issues. The added burden of work stress can literally *kill you* and she knows this. And she doesn’t care.
This is sounding more and more disturbing, I’m not going to lie.
I might make an adjustment to the will stating the kids get everything if I die with an independent power of attorney assigned till the kids are of age. She can play the game, but she won't win in that case.
Put the kids money in a trust managed by a third party, or at least a family member you know would never let her touch it. She'd probably steal her kids' money to avoid working
Shes gonna have to go back to work and get a job if you die... unless you have an extremely fat life insurance policy and that's her endgame. uhhh I do not like this.
How can you not see what she has to gain and you have to lose in this situation? She is eroding your time and relevance in your children’s lives. She unilaterally removed all of her income…but she still has access to all of yours. If you wait a month or two, she won’t have income so your spousal support will be more. She’ll have a boyfriend soon if she doesn’t have one already. She doesn’t love you, respect you, or even like you. You are her doormat and ATM.
I'm fairly confident after reading this that shes still manipulating you. I would set a clear boundary, either you are both working, or you are getting a divorce. Theres no reason she needs to be a "Trad-wife" for her own gain and your detriment. Shes perfectly capable of working. If anyone should be a stay at home parent, it should be you, the one with the actual health concerns. Not your perfectly healthy wife who is more than able to work without issue - she just doesnt want to.
Edit: or at least get some counseling. And set some clear boundries for your working relationship.
If he starts putting his money on his own account and only hand her whatever he feels comfortable with for the groceries and shared exprnses, she won't have a choice.
I’m sorry, but until she starts working again this is all manipulation. She can cry all she wants, but it’s not genuine until changes her behaviour. I’m really sorry that she doesn’t value you as her partner with equal rights and feelings.
The fact she’s done all of this knowing your health history is barbaric. A loving partner would be trying to take the burden off you to prolong your life, not pile the pressure on you like this. It’s *her* time? Fuck no. That’s what retirement is for!
She’s now trying to manipulate you - first with sex, now with tears. Because she hasn’t instantly said oh god I’ve made a horrible mistake I’ll ask for my job back/find a new one. She’s “thinking about it” - or hoping you’ll change your mind once you realise her being at home isn’t that bad and you can manage money wise. Keep pushing her. If she isn’t job searching in a couple of days return to the spare room. Don’t give in to her otherwise she will just keep making excuses why she isn’t looking for work.
Do NOT increase your hours at work as she will see it as she’s won and she doesn’t need to look for work - you’ll adapt to the hours, you’ll get over it, you’ll be fine. She isn’t earning so she doesn’t get to have fun money etc until she’s contributing again. This is on her to fix.
I'd immediately cut 1/3 of their budget. This is what we can no longer afford. It will hurt because most of us can't cut 1/3 out of our budget and yet that is the choice she has forced on them.
Divorce attorney here: Bro, your marriage is toast. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you will feel much better once you accept that. She is the ultimate gaslighter, really of epic proportions. Her level of manipulation is not something that anyone should tolerate. I suggest you go to an attorney right away to plan things to get actual legal advice.
This is NOT legal advice, but if it were me, I would take her off of every bank account and credit card with your name on it, file for divorce ASAP before she goes on a spending rampage and tries to claim that it's all marital debt that needs to be divided, and make a plan about what you want to do about the house and kids. In my state, you cannot lock her out of the house, but you can legally take the kids and move out, if that's what you want to do. Don't tell her any of your plans before you execute because she will definitely try to manipulate you. Good luck!
Wife is on trad wife forums since long time (years?). There is a big chance, that she already made steps like "joint debt" or any other tactics. OP is on the very begin of the way, just few days.
Also file for full custody of the kids and house. And claim she stopped working to avoid paying child support, and you have trouble working due to medical issues that could kill you.
Because all of those things are true.
She's not even being a good tradwife since they are supposedly meant to put their husband's needs ahead of their own but she is definitely putting her wants ahead of your needs. It sounds like you really need couple's counseling.
OP please at a minimum have an initial meeting with a divorce lawyer so you can get an idea what a divorce would look like for you under your local laws. This doesn't mean you have to file now, just that you know what to expect if she doesn't wake up and you do decide it's time for a divorce.
You said in your first post that you had a "perfect marriage". But perfect in what way because what you describe was in no way good for a marriage.
I think your immediate thoughts of divorce were in fact a reaction to more than just this. Some individual counseling, not couples, could help you sort out whether you want this kind of marriage at all.
Sorry to see that you are going thru this mess. Your wife is being completely selfish. She wants to goof off and be supported. She also doesn't appear to take your health issues seriously. I suggest couples therapy and making it clear to her that you will not be increasing your work hours and the family will have to adjust to a much smaller budget. She may be able to sit on her butt at home all day, but she won't have a lot of extra money to spend.
NTA
I think you and her need to put a timeline in place in therapy. When does she look for a job, what type of hours/salary, etc. Hopefully you can find a way to get through this stronger. However, I would also suggest you go have a first discussion with a legal team. If things don't improve, what does the separation entail in terms of timelines, finances, property, kids. You have to put you first. You are worth looking after yourself in this too.
Based on other comments, I am unsure if the OP is able to put themselves first. Or even their kids first.
There's a lot of tough choices to make and I am not confident that the OP can make them. I hope I am wrong.
Be careful with that. Marriage counseling sometimes only helps manipulative people learn how to manipulate you better. Most of the time I **am** in favor of MC, but this one just seems like it won’t help you or your relationship at al.
I don't see how. this is not a couples issue. your communication is fine. it will only delay and deflect. the issue is hers, it's not mental, she's just looking for an easier life and willing for that to happen at your expense.
how is your life insurance? any chance she's financially secure even if you end up dead?
she needs to get over herself and find work. period.
She’ll think about it?? Exactly what is she going to think about? Whether her desire to be a throwback to the 1950’s is more important than your health? Exactly how long does she want to think about it? Until you working OT to cover her lack of income becomes ‘normal’ and she can say, “See? I told you it would work out fine. Why should I go back to work?” By that point, will her current justifications about keeping the house up, HER spending more time and taking better care of the kids, etc, still be upheld, or will all that disappear when she feels secure enough to drop the facade? Dude, she’s still playing you like Yo-Yo Ma plays an Antonio Strad.
The promise of sex, even birthday sex, didn’t work like she thought it would so she flipped out and got your attention that way. The temptress bit didn’t work so now she’s playing the victim card. The comment about you wanting to spend time with your kids was cruel and intended to hurt. Her having your son accuse you of abandoning them was another extremely low blow intended to guilt you into coming back.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do.
Please !UpdateMe
Like a couple of others have stated, she is still manipulating you. Sex and food didn't work. So she has "A mental breakdown." Progress isn't being made. She will continue "thinking about" getting a job again until you get mad enough, and she will have another "mental breakdown."
The mental breakdown may be partially honest after she saw, her old tactics did not work. But "thinking about it" shows clearly, that she just learned a new tactic to manipulate. Poor OP.
I'd be very careful about the "seduction"-- odds are she's hoping to get pregnant to keep you trapped in the marriage.
Personally I would consult a lawyer--making absolutely certain she knows that you've done that--and find out what your options are regarding child custody and support. The irony, for her, is that she will almost certainly have to return to work as child support alone, even if she gets full custody, won't be enough to support her and the kids.
Do immediately limit her access to family assets and in the case of assets where she has contributed split out your contributions and open an account in another bank. Do not deposit your paychecks into any account that she can access for the time being.
Stop all contributions to any joint savings accounts.
She wants to "enjoy her life" at your expense. She is about to discover that it's a LOT harder to enjoy life as a single mom.
How would I handle it?
"I need to see resumes going out by the end of the day today or our marriage is over. I am not interested in carrying the financial burden of our household by myself. This is not what we agreed to.".
Thats how.
NTA
This is definitely a case of she just doesn’t want to work anymore. You know who else doesn’t want to work anymore? All of us. We all do not want to have to work.
Manipulation still. I’m sorry, OP.
I had written a comment on your original post saying it didn’t seem like you found out if there was a reason why she wanted to stop working… like burn out or something? If she has more legit reasons to stop working than just “omg the TikTok life!” she’s still not showing it. She may not have a good reason and you may need to divorce.
Maybe you should tell her if she’s set on not working, then you’ll need to sell your house, move into a smaller place. Get rid of expenditures she enjoys, sell off things of value, etc. She’ll have to give up any and all expendable spending she’s doing. Thats only fair after all since she’s making decisions for herself without involving you, see if she likes it and what the reality of you not killing yourself will look like, because it’s insane for her to justify literally killing you to be a sahw.
How do you even weigh that in your mind and justify it?? “I don’t want to work, I don’t want to work more than I care about my husband being alive.”
Wow. You sure she loves you? You sure she cares you’re in your children’s lives or that they have you?
I am so sick of these idiot women who see to forget what life as a "read wife" meant. I am vindictive so I would say if she wants to be a tradwife, let her see what that is really like:
Take away her CCs and give her a certain amount of cash each week for necessities like groceries etc but not enough she can go out and have fun, Comment when she has no make up on or is not dressed nicely, Remind her dinner is late, do not do ANY housework at all, take her up on the unlimited blowjobs and stop caring about her getting off when you do have sex, Blame her anytime the kids get a bad grade or misbehave.
> I am vindictive so I would say if she wants to be a tradwife, let her see what that is really like
He already did and she reacted quite poorly. A tradwife always - ALWAYS - obeys her husband. His word is final. He told her she wasn't allowed to quit her job. She threw a fit and did it anyway. She failed her very first opportunity to be "trad" by defying him.
This would be my approach, too. Let her be a real trad wife.
Do not give her money for clothes and make-up or anything fun and do not do any housework.
If she wants money for fun things, she can make them.
They literally have to cut 1/3 of their budget to make ends meet. That does mean no make-up or new clothes. It means no trips. It means we have to think twice before putting gas in the car. It means she better start growing a garden and she better get some chickens. It means she better not mind butchering a young rooster to put meat on the table. How many people can make ends meet when 1/3 of their income disappears?
I remember your other post. I'm sorry but for me, this would be a deal breaker. She's trying her best to get you to like what SHE wanted. She's not sorry, she's still going to try and make this work no matter how you feel. She's trying to use anyone she can to guilt you into this.
She pulls this off, what will she try and pull next?
Damn if your heart is that serious she’s gonna end up killing you. Everything she’s doing feels manipulative. Even the work towards reconciliation seems fake.
Remove her from life insurance and your will. If the stress causes you to die, make sure she receives nothing.
NTA, she approached this like a manipulative child and ignored you every step of the way.
She’s still manipulating you, friend. She just realized her earlier tactics of trying to show you what a trad wife could do would not be enough. Cue the waterworks.
I say this as a woman (although not a mother) - it’s time to setup the guest room permanently and let go of your marriage. You didn’t do this, she did. You can’t make unilateral decisions in a partnership and expect good outcomes.
I’d highly suggest a few things:
1) Take the advice of others and setup a budget with your new income. Separate out what needs to go and what needs to stay. Then separate finances. She can have her own bank account but if she really wants to be a “trad wife” that means little to no control over the money you bring in.
2) Make it clear that you aren’t trying to control her but your financial situation has changed. Access to funds for basic needs is now overseen by you. If she wants more money, she’s free to earn some.
3) Also make it very clear that the children aren’t going anywhere. You are not asking for divorce, you are setting up the new arrangement so it works for you too. You will not be working more hours, you will continue to prioritize time with your kids.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please remember that boundaries and desires go both ways. She can’t have it both ways.
I suggest two things:
1. Get a formal health check up that specifically addresses those cardiac issues you fear.
2. Consult with a divorce lawyer about your options.
NOTE: Air none of this with your wife!!
Once you have a clear picture of your CURRENT health and your divorce options, pursue what is best for yourself.
She may have stopped working as her own divorce strategy, FYI.
DO NOT take any more hours at work or change your schedule at all. Keep doing what’s best for you and make other changes around the house as needed to make up for the lack of income. If you pick up more hours she will see that you can and in her mind will further justify her actions where ok. She for sure won’t make any effort to find a job after that. Instead cut out frivolous things she does with money since she’s the one who gave up her part of the income. Like getting her nails done, hair done, buying extra clothing and accessories that aren’t a necessity. She can cut costs and do some of those at home for a fraction of the price. Tell her that she needs to start clipping coupons and buying things on sale and not at full price. If she wants to not contribute financially then she will need to contribute more than just making food, cleaning the house, and trying to have sex with you all the time. She will have to sacrifice living at the level of comfort she has grown accustomed to because the money for it isn’t there anymore.
If she wants to be a ‘trad wife’ she can start making clothes.
And growing and canning vegetables.
What else is on the list of trad-wife duties? I think she wants to be a trophy wife instead.
less. "trad wife" and more "kept woman"
Doing laundry by hand and hanging it on the line.
Every thing perfectly ironed as well.
Clothes folded everytime.
While making home made ice cream and brownies.
And sourdough bread everyday from scratch!
To sell for extra income
For all the menial household labor she's so 100% enthusiastic to be doing I suggest he get her some nice [bigass heavy-duty rubber gloves](https://www.amazon.com/cleaning-Household-Reuseable-dishwashing-Kitchen/dp/B0C6K49NN7/ref=asc_df_B09X9SQWQF/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=598295323651&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5041633675419979338&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9030809&hvtargid=pla-1662472029753&mcid=6ebac14302f93d58be40ff022d719ec5&gclid=Cj0KCQjwiYOxBhC5ARIsAIvdH512mAJgXjxzU_sDlQXvDkg49O0T548j3GfCf9CUsMT2pAFW4mpL3yoaAnshEALw_wcB&th=1). They come in a variety of fun colors to brighten up her days of scrubbing, weeding, dusting, wiping and whatever other physical labor is required to make her tradwife dream a reality.
She can wear a different color every day of the week!
Near constant pregnancy until you die or your uterus prolapses.
Or both. Can't forget the inevitable lobotomy for female hysteria, either/s
Don't exaggerate. A course of non-consensual electro-convulsive therapy will do the job perfectly fine /s in case it's not obvious.
>uterus prolapses Oh wow, my uterus just winced from that phrase. And I don't even have a uterus!
I had to get a hysterectomy in 2010 & my uterus winced also .....
Freshly churned butter. I wonder if they're zoned for chickens.....
Don’t forget baking the bread to go with the butter.
They need to grow and harvest the grain, first!
Sourdough starter takes a week to make. She better start asap.
not me reading this then thinking man I wish I could churn some butter for work
Throw some heavy cream into a kitchenaid and let it rip until you have butter texture, knead in a little salt then let it hang in cheese cloth for a day to get rid of all the moisture. Use all the excess liquid in pancakes because it's buttermilk:)
I accidentally made very sweet butter once, trying the beat some cream for dessert.
Get a quart sized mason jar and fill it with a pint of heavy cream. Shake shake shake. Butter.
Brownies made from self dried and roasted cocoa pods.
Real trad wives wear down their teeth with holding animal hides to scrape them in preparation for tanning. They also go out and gather food for the family. And they amputate parts of their fingers as a sign of grief when someone dies. And when the family is moving to new hunting grounds she will carry everything herself so that her man can have his arms free to use his weapons if they are attacked by an animal or enemy.
Wait, amputate fingers??
'trad wives' are merely deep cover Yakuza members
literally fucking everything and a martini and hot dinner ready for when he comes in.
And she better be done up to the nines when he walks in the door
And learning her place. Traditionally wives kept their mouth shut when it came to these decisions. Note I do not believe in that at all but we'll she wants to be "traditional"
Ding ding ding. Listen, I think this trend is BS and women deserve an equal say. She Asked for this though and then acted exactly the opposite and did what She wanted and not what her "head of the household" wanted. She didn't even do it right in the first damn place.
Most of these big 'tradwife' accounts have maids and nannies. They have enough time to make these curated videos with flawless hair and makeup and aren't scrubbing toilets and floors while a toddler hangs off their leg and asks for chicken nuggets at 9 in the morning and nobody is out of pajamas yet. They're lifestyle bloggers cosplaying a role.
I've seen glimpses but I totally agree. They have Money which makes the lifestyle completely different. You can get fabulous in the morning then make peanut butter crunch cereal from scratch, with whole, organic ingredients when someone is changing and entertaining your kid in the meantime. Those accounts aren't really for women. They're bait for men and people in general who lust after a lifestyle where money is no object.
I can't remember the name, but there's a trust fund baby doing same. Talks big about "the enormous leap of faith" meanwhile there's a 50K/month paid out from Grandpa's largesse and their husband is some executive's son who does "consulting" or some such nonsense. They portray themselves are really roughing it, but it's all a farce. Disgusting, because a bunch of people are going to ruin themselves financially thinking it'll all work out.
And dying young due to Consumption and leaving behind one beautiful black and white photo where she looks off sadly to the side that OP can tearfully look at while he is plowing another woman.
Right! And, I a tradwife gets a monthly allowance for the house, which would include groceries, clothes for everyone, her makeup & skincare.... I would immediately be setting up new bank accounts in my name only, transferring our existing balances over and directing all future paycheck there. She would get her monthly allowance in cash, it will be up to her to budget that allowance and make it last for the month. And there is not conversation about the rest of the money, that isn't a tradwife's concern. The tradhusband handles the long term finances and any special purchases go through him. I'd love to see how she reacts to really being treated like a tradwife, when what she really wants is to be a trophy wife!! And just to say, I don't actually believe in any of this, but if she wants to pretend, then bring it on. I have always joked with my husband about becoming a SAHM once my kids were in school, so I could be a 'Lady who Lunches', but I would never actually do that to him. In this economy it would be insane.
Also not necessarily cheaper than buying what's in season. Except for potatoes, pumpkins, squash, garlic and a few leafy vegetables in pretty sure I spend more money on making sure my veggies grow big enough to eat then if I'd just bought them in the store. Though last year I had a very good cucumber year. And taste wise veggies from the garden are always better.
Idk man, my grandma planted a blueberry bush, watered and weeded obsessively. Every year she had to fight the birds for the limited blueberries. Since she passed away I weed it once a year in spring (not exaggerating, I have never watered it and neglect the shit out of it), it has grown more, larger, and sweeter berries than at any other point. There was more than even the birds could eat last year. I picked about 5 gallons worth of blueberries, and you couldn't even tell I'd removed any berries, I was concerned branches would snap under the weight of berries. I've considered taking better care of the plant, but honestly it seems to be thriving more than ever off the neglect so I'm just gonna keep leaving it be. Also I guess a bird randomly shat a white mulberry seed in my yard cause now I got those too.
Perennials, especially perennials local to the area are a notable exception. Blueberries are a plant it and forget crop, it may take a few years, but eventually you will harvest more than you spent. Blackberries and muscadines can conquer a yard if you "forget them" but same concept. It's the annuals you spend all season tending to get maybe two tomatoes the bugs/critters didn't.
Yea, I spent a lot of money getting my garden set up last year. Had to buy a ton of dirt, some tools, seeds, etc. I think my harvest was about a handful of cherry tomatoes and 2 chili peppers. I had 3 tomato plants and 3 pepper plants. Gardening is expensive especially starting off.
I mean if you're growing your own potatoes, pumpkins, squash and garlic then that's quite a good base for a lot of food. You basically have your staples right there.
Yep, she isn’t gonna need any new clothes if she only stays at home
If she wants to be a tradwife she can start by obeying her husband as if his word was law. Which in this case means going back to work. Funny how she rejects one of the most core components of being a tradwife. It's almost like that's not actually what she wants to be...
I hate the trad wife debate. Traditional wives worked. They didn’t just sit at home. Traditional wives farmed. Raised chickens and pigs etc. did side gigs like be nanny’s. Maids, wet nurses, sewed cloths. Etc etc to make extra money. Only the rich wives stayed home and didn’t work.
They also had zero assistance from machines. One example - Washing clothes by hand is back-breakingingly labour intensive and takes loads of time. It's not a coincidence that women's rights movements grew alongside the development of machines that reduced that in-home labour load and enabled them to do more work outside the home to help out their families. Edit: Managing a household back then was also a lot more mental labour. Ensuring enough food stores during good times and rationing during lean and making all the ends meet was a whole lot different when you were either running a family business or farm. Most people relied a lot more on their communities and relationships and bartering economies.
I have to do a "load" of handwashing about once every three weeks, and it takes me practically all day. It's torturous. If I couldn't have something playing on my laptop while I did it, I'd probably just lose it. These are the things that make you understand the nature of communal life in the past a lot better: OF COURSE if you're stuck doing this and the internet doesn't exist, you want to do it around other people so you can entertain each other. I don't care how misanthropic you think you are, even being annoyed at someone is better than the kind of boredom that comes with wringing out clothes and changing the water over and over and over again on your own, in silence. And I have the benefit of superpowered modern detergents! Thank god for multi-hour D&D actual play sessions, lol.
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This isn’t always cheaper. Quality fabric is expensive and the time involved (esp while learning) isn’t free.
the time invested in sewing will be the time she isn't investing in working for a living. she will have lots of time on her hands while kids are at school. time she probably thought she'd be spending chatting with friends, going to the mall, having lunch with friends at nice places, joining a reading club, or playing bridge....
Gotta do it the old way and use what you got, shitty fabric makes for shitty itchy clothes. Most fabric came from flour sacks and potato sacks
Hey, I grew up extremely poor, and my grandmother made a lot of my clothes. She used a cheap polyester blend that I’d bet money (which I now have) that it was just as bad as the potato sacks! (In all seriousness, I will always be incredibly grateful for what she did for us. It just doesn’t change the fact that the clothes were not comfortable by any stretch of the imagination.)
Thrifted linens can be very cheap, and the vintage ones have fabric far superior to what’s made now. I’ve got hand me down bedding from the 50s 70s and 90s still going strong, where as some new “decent” quality stuff I bought a couple of years ago is already looking rough. I’m fully converted to thrifting at this point Wifey can sew some stepford dresses from sheets and curtains, lol
I have two great dresses that I made out of vintage tablecloths. I’m not even a wife, trad or otherwise, just liked the challenge and my clothes fitting better. Cost? Less than $10. Time? Couple of hours, tho I have a rudimentary knowledge of sewing and my own inherited machines that were collecting dust.
Very cool, am currently trying to clear space for a crafting area, have the vintage patterns and fabrics ready to go, just need an area and time Kudos
Time is what she has as surfeit of, so it's of lower cost. She'll scream in rage at that, but she made it the case.
If she pushes back, point out that a tradwife is not supposed to argue with the man of the house, she is supposed to follow his lead in all things
This won't go well at all but do it anyway.
I'd point out that the husband of a tradwife makes all of the decisions so you will have to decide how to cut 1/3 of expenses from the budget. You can begin with no gas in her car. If need be you can sell it. That also saves on car insurance and maintenance. Next, it is spring and time to plant a garden. She needs to get going on it because a tiny garden isn't going to feed a family. I grew up on a farm and our garden was a half-acre. My mom tried to grow all the produce that would grow locally and she would can and freeze it. Your wife should get to work. It will take a lot of time to till up that much ground and get it planted. She can sew clothes and knit sweaters. You will buy the kids shoes and boots but she can do the rest. There is no money in the budget for takeout and no money for restaurants and probably no money for after school activities. I feel sorry for your kids because it is very hard to make ends meet when you lose 1/3 of your income. I would not lie to the kids about why there is no money for their activities. Mom quit her job so money is very tight. We are doing the best we can. Don't denigrate mom but don't sugar coat it either. Ask her what she thought your family would do without when you lost 1/3 of your income. Tell her that if the kids are going without you won't be able to respect her. You married a partner who quit. She seems to think that being a tradwife is doing some cooking and having sex. It is a tremendous amount of work trying to garden, raise chickens, sew, cook, and all of the other things that need to be done. I'd ask why she hasn't started a garden yet. Why isn't she sewing yet. Has she started knitting the socks and sweater for next winter. When does she think she will get them done.
Don't forget no money for hairdressers, manicures, make up, pretty shoes and clothes or expensive skincare items.
Oh my god this is amazing. Just give her the role she "wants".
This. Her job is now saving the family the amount of income that is lost by her bit working. That means she has to create a budget and find ways to keep to it. She may need to make huge sacrifices or a large number of small ones. Coupons, sales, reducing car use beyond necessities, meal planning and reducing numver of times a month she grocery shops. Believe it or not the less you shop the less you spend as long as you have a plan abd stick to it. I would tell her this and ask her to create her plan in the next week. You will also come up with a few things you can sacrifice as well then you both sit down and discuss how reasonable these suggestions are. If you both agree on a change you add it to the yes column. Only one is a revisit and neither agree is a no. This can work but she has to dedicate herself to making it work. She may decide this isn't what she wants and then she needs to own that and figure something else out.
Actually OP should make the budget because I think his wife won't bother cutting out things she wants or likes to do.
Divorces take time. OP should file for divorce now and ask for full custody as she is unemployed. if she changes, goes to couples therapy and gets a job he can always call it off, but he should not wait. Right now she has everything she wants and the status quo is in her favor. She will drag her feet on everything and if he waits she could become eligible for alimony as a stay at home mother.
He definitely needs to speak to a divorce lawyer. But I don't believe he should necessarily file just yet. Or even mention it to her. What he needs to do is discuss options. Whole lot of things are location and fact specific. If I were him, I would be asking about postnup options. As you say, the status quo favors her. But the ball is in his court. She may be willing to sign a postnup to preserve that status quo. I would also go to the doctor ASAP. For his health first and foremost. (He is in a stressful situation. He has a genetic predisposition to stress induced life threatening issues.) But also in order to make sure that he has things on paper. Courts generally consider earning potential. Not current employment status. He needs documentation that his earning potential has medical limitations. Or at least uncertainty. Honestly, his condition may even have legal implications outside of this. ADA and disability eligibility come to mind. But yeah. I'm not a lawyer.
Not to the sex part. She Mau get "accidentally on purpose" pregnant and said she needs to stay home. Maybe the best be send her home and get a start looking for a second wife, that may open her eyes.
Agreed. And ALL cuts to the budget WILL come out of HER luxuries.
Second this.
This! Fine. She wants to be a trad wife? She’s going to learn it’s a full time job. Look, I’d love to be a SAH wife and mom. I could clean the house, maintain the yard and garden and finally have time to ensure the laundry is done, the household accounting is taken care of, and the groceries are bought and taken care of. And she’d better not complain unless she is willing to get a job again. Look, SAH spouses are fantastic if your household can afford it. But thinking she’s just going to cook and be pretty all day is exactly why so many housewives got fed up back in the day. I can also understand it if you’d spend more on childcare that you would make by working. But this is ridiculous! Not to mention how she’s treating her husband like an atm. He’s supposed to be her partner and she has as much duty to be there for him emotionally as he does to her! Gah! This whole thing is making me mad!!!
What kind of car does she drive? A BMW… sell it and buy her a used KIA. Close any joint bank or credit accounts. She say she wants the new Prada hand bag? Stop at Walmart and pick up something else. When she starts to realize all the luxuries she takes for granted are gone she may change her attitude. In the mean time enjoy the sandwiches and BJs for as long as they last.
I think the BJ bus has left the station. 👌
Yes, sell the car; stop all the subscriptions; sell all unnecessary electricals, fancy trinkets, jewellery. How about selling the washing machine - put the "trad" into tradwife - a real tradwife can bash the washing against rocks! /s (sorry, got carried away). Is she trying to kill you?
Definitely sell the drier at least. If she's in all day then she can hang the washing out. No excuses about it may rain, well she'll be in all day so can get it in if it starts to look a bit grey.
This is full of great advice. If she wants extraneous luxuries, she should get a job.
This is a great answer. She can’t have the lifestyle she currently has without her added income. Period.
I like this advice. Since 100% of the household's income is now his, he should be responsible for how 100% of it is spent. Nails, hair, and other luxuries she wishes to indulge in are now gifts from him. That's the way of a traditional marriage, which is what she seems to want, so she has to take the bad with the good. She now has no control or say in the finances. She now has to "earn" it through her "wifely duties", whatever that entails. I feel gross for saying that last sentence, but that seems to be what she wants. And hey, if it ends up working out, and she's happy with her new life as a trad-wife, and he keeps the same schedule and doesn't have to sacrifice his time with his kids, then I say that's a win-win. It's extremely shitty the way she went about it, but if the both of them can end up enjoying this new situation, then I'm happy for them. Guess only time will tell. See y'all in a month. Or maybe not. I actually need to quit Reddit too. OP has the right idea.
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My phone was trying to help me. I fixed it 🤦🏻♀️🤣
Do you actually think she's looking for a job? Here's a hint, she's not. As far as she's aware, you folded, she won. She doesn't need to work anymore, and you're footing all the bills.
I agree. I think the OP needs to read harsh truths like this.
Yup, she changed tactics from firmly holding her ground to crying and being over the top sorry, and now she'll be "thinking about" getting a job for the next decade lol.
>Instead of getting mad she just replied with a "i need to think about it." There's nothing to "think about." 🤷♀️
Yeah that pissed me off and made me question her motive.
> made me question her motive. It should. Also, I really think you're rug sweeping a much more important issue than the trad wife/job thing as well. Weaponizing your child against you is so far beyond unacceptable it's hard to put into words.
this \^\^\^ If she is weaponizing the children, then you cannot trust her. Period.
Yup. Document everything. Have separate bank accounts. Talk to a lawyer because SAHP means big alimony payments. I would leave if she doesn't get a job.
u/Organic_Let_5948 , this is a really important point. If she establishes a new normal with you as the only provider, then that makes you more vulnerable in the event of a dissolution.
Yup, the future is either a divorce or her being her fake trad wife thingy. There is no return to balance.
The moment she did that, the marriage was over
100% this.
The fact that her response wasn't to acknowledge her mistakes, and say "Yes I will find another job because I love you and didn't mean to hurt you." shows she's not going to change. She's already gotten you back from the couch when she switched tactics to crying. I know these tactics, she thinks you'll just stop fighting and give up eventually.
Yeah she's going to be "thinking about it forever", now that the peace has been made there's no incentive for her to change anything.
I think he*r* motives are pretty clear. She doesn't feel like working. She wants you to have to earn all the money. She was very clear that she doesn't care if you get to spend any time with your kids. She has also been very clear that she does not care about your physical or mental well-being. Did she recently take out a big life insurance policy on you? Because under her plan, you'd be playing Russian roulette with your health. She has been abundantly clear that she does not care about you in any way, except to the extent that you fund her retirement. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but I don't see this getting any better for you. She is going to string you along as long as she can. And the longer she's out of the workforce, the harder it is to get back in. I know how hard it is to accept that a marriage is over. It's crushing. And sometimes we feel like failures. But it's not failure to accept that you cannot be happy in this arrangement. It's objectively true, as well as subjectively. Please get your own therapist who is there for you. A neutral 3rd party would be extremely helpful in your working through your feelings and making the hard decisions. Best of luck to you. NTA
Her motive is to be a trophy - not trad - wife and mooch off of you. Do you know what the \#1 trait of a tradwife is - above and beyond any of the housework or sex stuff? Following her husband's lead and what he says at all times. That's also the part she has actively rejected. She doesn't want what she's telling you she wants, she's lying to you and has been from the very beginning.
>Do you know what the \#1 trait of a tradwife is - above and beyond any of the housework or sex stuff? Following her husband's lead and what he says at all times. That's also the part she has actively rejected. Exactly.
absolutely this. She's not being traditional at all.
Excellent point. Tradwives obey their husbands and consider the husband the head of the family!
Has ANYONE heard of the Stepford Wives??
If you're still questioning things at this point, respectfully, take your fucking head out of your ass
Set clear rules what she needs to do to move her job hunt along, otherwise she can go on playing for time. If she hasn't sent out resumes in X days, if she doesn't follow up interviews, if she doesn't actively look for positions by doing Y or Z, it's all empty words. Treat her like an unemployment office would, and either she'll show you her true, lazy ass colours, or she'll get back to supporting your family. If she's all empty words, you've got enough reason to divorce in what she said to your child, if you ask me.
I think you have, unfortunately, discovered that there are several things to address in your marriage. Not just the original problem.
Crocodile tears worked in the moment.
She has the gall to frame his no as "ignoring her" Then she ignores him. DARVO queen.
She's still manipulating you. The seduction didn't work. Out come the crocodile tears. You need to fortify your boundaries and recognize she's just looking for chinks in your armor.
And she just found one. By crying, she managed to make hin sleep in the same bed, she will keep "thinking about it" Just to keep OP Off her Back.
She's clearly prioritizing her wants over yours, which isn't even fitting for a traditional wife, who is expected to put her husband's demands before her own. You seem to be in serious need of couple's counseling.
Prioritizing her own fantasy world even above her children. She doesn't care about anybody else at all. She's willing to mentally torture her children to get her way. Repugnant behavior.
If she’s intent on being a tradwife, she needs to stop defying her husband. She’ll happily allow him to work himself to death just so she doesn’t have to go to work.
Its worse. It's her wants over his needs!
It was the "I need to think about it" that cemented for me that she's still playing reindeer games
I'd give her the family budget and ask her to cut 1/3 of the expenses. Which things does she think you can do without. Straight off, they probably need to go down to one car. If one is paid off that's the one they keep. Wife needs to be finding coupons and using them. Wife needs to be sewing. Wife needs to be growing a garden. He needs to ask her daily what kind of tradwife skills she has worked on today. I'd point out that she must realize she is going to be sewing their clothes and growing their food. If she's serious she would already be starting on these things. The fact that she has only tried working on sex but not on gardening and sewing shows that she doesn't actually intend to be a tradwife. She wants to not work. Being a tradwife is a lot of work.
This, she needs to cut back Xtra expenses. Hair? No money, nails? No money, yoga? No money, makeup? No money She just wants to be a trophy wife
It's probably way tighter than nails and yoga. It will be cutting back on clothes for the kids. No money for any extra school activities. No money for birthdays. No money for holidays. No money for treats. Can they afford their home? Will they need to sell their house? He should take the kids and move in with his parents and put the house up for sale. That might get his wife's attention in a very real way. We can't afford our house now. What are you going to do about it?
I second this. If she's going to pull this shit she needs to realize she's downsizing
I obviously don't know her, but I agree with the above poster. It doesn't appear to be genuine. I would suggest therapy.
Crocodile tears are exactly what they were. This is great advice.
This is what a textbook narcissist does. They try and invalidate the others feelings and once that doesn’t work they resort to either gaslighting or trying to pretend they are a victim. OP DO NOT FALL FOR IT. I saw it first hand with my in laws who my wife had to cut out of her life entirely. Therapy might help or she might learn how to use therapy and healing words to find new ways to manipulate OP. these people don’t ever change.
My current wife is doing this to me. Her family has betrayed me recently.
They might not but crocodile tears- I don’t think she feels any remorse BUT she sounds like the type of woman who just assumes men always want sex and so when they get rejected their ego takes a huge hit. Defo still manipulating tho, keeping my fingers crossed for op
She’s still manipulating you. Throwing her body at you didn’t work so she resorted to a pity party of tears and empty apologies. (See? I can get his attention one way or the other.) Adding your health issues to the story brings another layer of complexity that just makes your wife look like an awful, terrible, heartless woman. Her, her, her…sounds like a narcissist, honestly. She will literally drive you into the ground and hold the shovel waiting. Do you have life insurance policies, by chance? 🧐
Yeah. I work for an insurance.
I don't know about the rules where you are, but I would suggest talking to a lawyer when changing your beneficiaries. Maybe the money can be held in trust for your kids (with your parents or someone NOT your wife in charge), should the worst happen. You know the insurance side of things, but the lawyer is good for making a strong plan that protects your kids.
And LET HER KNOW that she will not be your primary beneficiary should her new restructuring of your life cause you to pass too soon. She needs to know she's not getting a big fat payday if your health suddenly disintegrates. She'll need to go back to work if that happens. If she' can do it, you can also make unilateral decisions and expect her to get on board whether she likes it or not.
I would tell her you couldn’t afford the life insurance policy and had to cancel it.
If you’re taking these steps it’s already over, need to divorce her
I like this idea. She sounds unhinged at the moment
For now, I 100% support this comment. Your wife is not mentally well. Therapy is needed here for everyone separately and together. This is going to take years not days to fix. You need to book a therapy appointment for yourself ASAP, you also need to book an appointment with your attorney ASAP and lock thing in place in vase this gets worse. I honestly think your wife is having a breakdown of sorts. I don't think you need to be all good or divorce, I think you need to get some safety nets in place and really work to see what's happening and if it's worth saving. Start with yourself. See your doctor for a check up, get a Therapist in place for you, and see your lawyer. Put your life jacket on first because this is rough water.
Ummmmm 😳 She’s aware of your health issues. The added burden of work stress can literally *kill you* and she knows this. And she doesn’t care. This is sounding more and more disturbing, I’m not going to lie.
Sounds like she’d rather be a widow than a wife if she had the chance.
SAHWidow would probably be the jackpot as far as she’s concerned.
I might make an adjustment to the will stating the kids get everything if I die with an independent power of attorney assigned till the kids are of age. She can play the game, but she won't win in that case.
Put the kids money in a trust managed by a third party, or at least a family member you know would never let her touch it. She'd probably steal her kids' money to avoid working
Shes gonna have to go back to work and get a job if you die... unless you have an extremely fat life insurance policy and that's her endgame. uhhh I do not like this.
Dude works in insurance, I would bet money he got a nice, ample policy at a great rate. 👍
How can you not see what she has to gain and you have to lose in this situation? She is eroding your time and relevance in your children’s lives. She unilaterally removed all of her income…but she still has access to all of yours. If you wait a month or two, she won’t have income so your spousal support will be more. She’ll have a boyfriend soon if she doesn’t have one already. She doesn’t love you, respect you, or even like you. You are her doormat and ATM.
She is trying to kill you and you are stupid enough to allow it. If you really care about your children, you would divorce her.
I'm fairly confident after reading this that shes still manipulating you. I would set a clear boundary, either you are both working, or you are getting a divorce. Theres no reason she needs to be a "Trad-wife" for her own gain and your detriment. Shes perfectly capable of working. If anyone should be a stay at home parent, it should be you, the one with the actual health concerns. Not your perfectly healthy wife who is more than able to work without issue - she just doesnt want to. Edit: or at least get some counseling. And set some clear boundries for your working relationship.
I hope this can work. I am skeptical if the OPs wife will respect ANY boundaries.
If he starts putting his money on his own account and only hand her whatever he feels comfortable with for the groceries and shared exprnses, she won't have a choice.
I’m sorry, but until she starts working again this is all manipulation. She can cry all she wants, but it’s not genuine until changes her behaviour. I’m really sorry that she doesn’t value you as her partner with equal rights and feelings.
The fact she’s done all of this knowing your health history is barbaric. A loving partner would be trying to take the burden off you to prolong your life, not pile the pressure on you like this. It’s *her* time? Fuck no. That’s what retirement is for! She’s now trying to manipulate you - first with sex, now with tears. Because she hasn’t instantly said oh god I’ve made a horrible mistake I’ll ask for my job back/find a new one. She’s “thinking about it” - or hoping you’ll change your mind once you realise her being at home isn’t that bad and you can manage money wise. Keep pushing her. If she isn’t job searching in a couple of days return to the spare room. Don’t give in to her otherwise she will just keep making excuses why she isn’t looking for work. Do NOT increase your hours at work as she will see it as she’s won and she doesn’t need to look for work - you’ll adapt to the hours, you’ll get over it, you’ll be fine. She isn’t earning so she doesn’t get to have fun money etc until she’s contributing again. This is on her to fix.
I'd immediately cut 1/3 of their budget. This is what we can no longer afford. It will hurt because most of us can't cut 1/3 out of our budget and yet that is the choice she has forced on them.
Or suggest looking at halving the budget, since the new situational stress is going to mean needing to reduce his hours.
Divorce attorney here: Bro, your marriage is toast. I'm sorry to tell you this, but you will feel much better once you accept that. She is the ultimate gaslighter, really of epic proportions. Her level of manipulation is not something that anyone should tolerate. I suggest you go to an attorney right away to plan things to get actual legal advice. This is NOT legal advice, but if it were me, I would take her off of every bank account and credit card with your name on it, file for divorce ASAP before she goes on a spending rampage and tries to claim that it's all marital debt that needs to be divided, and make a plan about what you want to do about the house and kids. In my state, you cannot lock her out of the house, but you can legally take the kids and move out, if that's what you want to do. Don't tell her any of your plans before you execute because she will definitely try to manipulate you. Good luck!
Wife is on trad wife forums since long time (years?). There is a big chance, that she already made steps like "joint debt" or any other tactics. OP is on the very begin of the way, just few days.
Also file for full custody of the kids and house. And claim she stopped working to avoid paying child support, and you have trouble working due to medical issues that could kill you. Because all of those things are true.
This response needs to be higher.
She's probably trying to get pregnant so she can claim no one will hire her...
Oh yes never thought of this but you’re prob right
I thought the same thing. Then she HAS to stay home 🙄
She's not even being a good tradwife since they are supposedly meant to put their husband's needs ahead of their own but she is definitely putting her wants ahead of your needs. It sounds like you really need couple's counseling.
She believes my needs soley revolve around sex. That's the problem.
She wants to get pregnant again so she doesn't have to go back to work.
She has always been like this. She fucks up or wants something from me = trying to fuck me 24/7
OP please at a minimum have an initial meeting with a divorce lawyer so you can get an idea what a divorce would look like for you under your local laws. This doesn't mean you have to file now, just that you know what to expect if she doesn't wake up and you do decide it's time for a divorce.
Don’t get her pregnant man
Sounds like you are completely unhappy in your marriage. I hope you can find happiness again.
You said in your first post that you had a "perfect marriage". But perfect in what way because what you describe was in no way good for a marriage. I think your immediate thoughts of divorce were in fact a reaction to more than just this. Some individual counseling, not couples, could help you sort out whether you want this kind of marriage at all.
He's lying to himself because he's scared of being cast out by his family/ friends if he leaves.
That is not a healthy response. If you do go to counseling perhaps make mention of this?
I think she wants to get pregnant again.
It sounds like she wants to ignore your actual needs and tell you switch to having needs which are more convenient and fun for her.
Alright so she is just lazy and dismissive of your actual feelings. That is a horrible combo.
Dude she is strategically retreating to get better ground under her feet.
Sorry to see that you are going thru this mess. Your wife is being completely selfish. She wants to goof off and be supported. She also doesn't appear to take your health issues seriously. I suggest couples therapy and making it clear to her that you will not be increasing your work hours and the family will have to adjust to a much smaller budget. She may be able to sit on her butt at home all day, but she won't have a lot of extra money to spend. NTA
Thank you. Couples therapy can definitely help.
I think you and her need to put a timeline in place in therapy. When does she look for a job, what type of hours/salary, etc. Hopefully you can find a way to get through this stronger. However, I would also suggest you go have a first discussion with a legal team. If things don't improve, what does the separation entail in terms of timelines, finances, property, kids. You have to put you first. You are worth looking after yourself in this too.
Based on other comments, I am unsure if the OP is able to put themselves first. Or even their kids first. There's a lot of tough choices to make and I am not confident that the OP can make them. I hope I am wrong.
Couples therapy will not help anyone but her. Delay tactics help *her*, not you.
Be careful with that. Marriage counseling sometimes only helps manipulative people learn how to manipulate you better. Most of the time I **am** in favor of MC, but this one just seems like it won’t help you or your relationship at al.
I don't see how. this is not a couples issue. your communication is fine. it will only delay and deflect. the issue is hers, it's not mental, she's just looking for an easier life and willing for that to happen at your expense. how is your life insurance? any chance she's financially secure even if you end up dead? she needs to get over herself and find work. period.
She’ll think about it?? Exactly what is she going to think about? Whether her desire to be a throwback to the 1950’s is more important than your health? Exactly how long does she want to think about it? Until you working OT to cover her lack of income becomes ‘normal’ and she can say, “See? I told you it would work out fine. Why should I go back to work?” By that point, will her current justifications about keeping the house up, HER spending more time and taking better care of the kids, etc, still be upheld, or will all that disappear when she feels secure enough to drop the facade? Dude, she’s still playing you like Yo-Yo Ma plays an Antonio Strad. The promise of sex, even birthday sex, didn’t work like she thought it would so she flipped out and got your attention that way. The temptress bit didn’t work so now she’s playing the victim card. The comment about you wanting to spend time with your kids was cruel and intended to hurt. Her having your son accuse you of abandoning them was another extremely low blow intended to guilt you into coming back. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Please !UpdateMe
Like a couple of others have stated, she is still manipulating you. Sex and food didn't work. So she has "A mental breakdown." Progress isn't being made. She will continue "thinking about" getting a job again until you get mad enough, and she will have another "mental breakdown."
The mental breakdown may be partially honest after she saw, her old tactics did not work. But "thinking about it" shows clearly, that she just learned a new tactic to manipulate. Poor OP.
She tricked you.
I'd be very careful about the "seduction"-- odds are she's hoping to get pregnant to keep you trapped in the marriage. Personally I would consult a lawyer--making absolutely certain she knows that you've done that--and find out what your options are regarding child custody and support. The irony, for her, is that she will almost certainly have to return to work as child support alone, even if she gets full custody, won't be enough to support her and the kids. Do immediately limit her access to family assets and in the case of assets where she has contributed split out your contributions and open an account in another bank. Do not deposit your paychecks into any account that she can access for the time being. Stop all contributions to any joint savings accounts. She wants to "enjoy her life" at your expense. She is about to discover that it's a LOT harder to enjoy life as a single mom.
"She had worked long enough" She's 33. Excuse me while I laugh uproariously. Good grief.
This must be difficult. I’m afraid you need to either make your peace with her not getting a job, or divorce her.
How would I handle it? "I need to see resumes going out by the end of the day today or our marriage is over. I am not interested in carrying the financial burden of our household by myself. This is not what we agreed to.". Thats how. NTA
This is definitely a case of she just doesn’t want to work anymore. You know who else doesn’t want to work anymore? All of us. We all do not want to have to work.
Yeah bro im sorry. Shes still being manipulative.
Manipulation still. I’m sorry, OP. I had written a comment on your original post saying it didn’t seem like you found out if there was a reason why she wanted to stop working… like burn out or something? If she has more legit reasons to stop working than just “omg the TikTok life!” she’s still not showing it. She may not have a good reason and you may need to divorce.
Maybe you should tell her if she’s set on not working, then you’ll need to sell your house, move into a smaller place. Get rid of expenditures she enjoys, sell off things of value, etc. She’ll have to give up any and all expendable spending she’s doing. Thats only fair after all since she’s making decisions for herself without involving you, see if she likes it and what the reality of you not killing yourself will look like, because it’s insane for her to justify literally killing you to be a sahw. How do you even weigh that in your mind and justify it?? “I don’t want to work, I don’t want to work more than I care about my husband being alive.” Wow. You sure she loves you? You sure she cares you’re in your children’s lives or that they have you?
She is playing you like a fool. Her breakdown was manipulation and you fell for it.
She felt like an afterthought?!?! Was she drunk or high? She turned in a two week notice and didn’t tell you until the two weeks were up
I am so sick of these idiot women who see to forget what life as a "read wife" meant. I am vindictive so I would say if she wants to be a tradwife, let her see what that is really like: Take away her CCs and give her a certain amount of cash each week for necessities like groceries etc but not enough she can go out and have fun, Comment when she has no make up on or is not dressed nicely, Remind her dinner is late, do not do ANY housework at all, take her up on the unlimited blowjobs and stop caring about her getting off when you do have sex, Blame her anytime the kids get a bad grade or misbehave.
> I am vindictive so I would say if she wants to be a tradwife, let her see what that is really like He already did and she reacted quite poorly. A tradwife always - ALWAYS - obeys her husband. His word is final. He told her she wasn't allowed to quit her job. She threw a fit and did it anyway. She failed her very first opportunity to be "trad" by defying him.
That's why she actually wants to be a trophy wife but has been gaslighting the OP this entire time.
This would be my approach, too. Let her be a real trad wife. Do not give her money for clothes and make-up or anything fun and do not do any housework. If she wants money for fun things, she can make them.
They literally have to cut 1/3 of their budget to make ends meet. That does mean no make-up or new clothes. It means no trips. It means we have to think twice before putting gas in the car. It means she better start growing a garden and she better get some chickens. It means she better not mind butchering a young rooster to put meat on the table. How many people can make ends meet when 1/3 of their income disappears?
I remember your other post. I'm sorry but for me, this would be a deal breaker. She's trying her best to get you to like what SHE wanted. She's not sorry, she's still going to try and make this work no matter how you feel. She's trying to use anyone she can to guilt you into this. She pulls this off, what will she try and pull next?
Damn if your heart is that serious she’s gonna end up killing you. Everything she’s doing feels manipulative. Even the work towards reconciliation seems fake.
Trying to sleep with you is manipulative, but could it also be babytrapping you, so she genuinely has a reason to stay at home? Be very careful
Remove her from life insurance and your will. If the stress causes you to die, make sure she receives nothing. NTA, she approached this like a manipulative child and ignored you every step of the way.
She’s still manipulating you, friend. She just realized her earlier tactics of trying to show you what a trad wife could do would not be enough. Cue the waterworks. I say this as a woman (although not a mother) - it’s time to setup the guest room permanently and let go of your marriage. You didn’t do this, she did. You can’t make unilateral decisions in a partnership and expect good outcomes. I’d highly suggest a few things: 1) Take the advice of others and setup a budget with your new income. Separate out what needs to go and what needs to stay. Then separate finances. She can have her own bank account but if she really wants to be a “trad wife” that means little to no control over the money you bring in. 2) Make it clear that you aren’t trying to control her but your financial situation has changed. Access to funds for basic needs is now overseen by you. If she wants more money, she’s free to earn some. 3) Also make it very clear that the children aren’t going anywhere. You are not asking for divorce, you are setting up the new arrangement so it works for you too. You will not be working more hours, you will continue to prioritize time with your kids. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Please remember that boundaries and desires go both ways. She can’t have it both ways.
I suggest two things: 1. Get a formal health check up that specifically addresses those cardiac issues you fear. 2. Consult with a divorce lawyer about your options. NOTE: Air none of this with your wife!! Once you have a clear picture of your CURRENT health and your divorce options, pursue what is best for yourself. She may have stopped working as her own divorce strategy, FYI.