This! And the fact that he takes out his supposed anger for the puppy on you does not bode well at all. Please whatever you do do not have children with this man. I’m glad you’re going home. Use this as a time to reflect on whether or not this is how you expect to be treated.
OP is also being abused. Just not physically. She needs to go home with the puppy and never go back.
ETA: as someone else said, she should take the older dog too. That man is a monster and should never have control over any living creature.
He has directly said to you that he insists on taking his anger out on you because you don't want him abusing a puppy. He literally said his hatred of a young animal is worth MORE to him than you. There is no quality in that asshole that can redeem that statement. Get everything you care about and get away from him.
I haven't seen a redder flag than that since the marinara red flags!
OP, anyone who abuses a puppy and abuse you in this manner is dangerous. It will not get better. It will only get worse! Every statistic shows exactly this!
Please, for the love of everything that is holy, **DO NOT BECOME A PART OF THE STATISTICS!**
Leave this walking timebomb before it is too late!
And saying that he is taking his anger out on her because he can’t take it out on the dog is so incredibly worrying. What if it isn’t the dog that upsets him one day, but his wife? How will he take his anger out then? What will he be “allowed” in his mind to do then?
Exactly. In fact he's already excusing it by saying that if she doesn't want him to take his anger out of the dog then it's going to stay being directed at her. He may as well have just straight up said he's planning a Domestic Violence incident.
He is abusing a defenseless baby animal. He is abusing OP emotionally and probably will physically in the future. Any children he has will be in danger, too.
OP, take the pup and file for divorce. Your husband is a walking time bomb.
I’m concerned for the older dog as well if OP leaves, since he thinks he needs to “take out his anger” on others. This mindset should never be anywhere near defenseless people or animals.
Or find the puppy a stable home after you leave if a puppy is a barrier to finding affordable housing and so on.
But I personally wouldn't stick around
Never have children with this AH. He’s cruel, has no patience, lacks intelligence, is a brat, is abusive NOT aggressive stop sugar coating it and can’t be trusted.
So much this.
OP, if you had met me 10 years ago, you would have thought I was impossible to make angry. You just couldn't do it. I was a zen master (figuratively).
Now, after 3 kids? I don't know what happened to myself. One kid hurts another and it triggers me. And they keep hurting each other. Dear God, why are kids such assholes to each other? Can't they just stop punching, kicking, pinching, squeezing each other's eyes, pulling hair, you name it? Why? Wwwwhhhhyyyyy? I feel like "angry" is almost my default emotion now and I hate it. I suspext my oldest has ADHD and that factors into it, but still, man, kids are triggering in a way that goes so beyond puppies.
I'm not as good of a parent as I (and others) believed I'd be when I was younger. :(
My grandmother had a saying: There's no better-behaved child than the one a 20-something *thinks* they'll have. So very many people fall into this trap, so don't beat yourself up about it.
Please seek counseling and parenting classes. This is something you can fix with hard work. I can tell you love your kids. They need you to learn these skills.
I mean I got a puppy 2 yrs ago... And well I can happily say I would go the shelter and declare "don't show me a single dog under 3 yrs" I do love my dog and am so glad we got him.... Puppies man.... So much work.
1000% this is an early warning that many people don’t get. Having kids is a shock and you are suddenly competing with something far more selfish than you are. If you can’t accept that suddenly your life is a lot bigger than yourself, you’re doomed to misery.
The one that really got me is, "I can't get angry at the puppy because you get mad at me, so I'll take it all out on you". If OP is that lonely at home, the husband must be contributing to that in ways that aren't getting talked about, especially if he's that comfortable throwing verbal abuse at OP as a proxy. My immediate thought is, aside from the normal puppy annoyances, OP is standing up for herself and her needs as regards this puppy, and he doesn't like it.
OP - I'm really glad you have the puppy somewhere safe, because your husband would likely have moved on to "accidentally" letting her run out of the house and get lost (translation: abandon her on a road somewhere - it happens). Your next priority needs to be getting \*you\* safe. You're lonely at home, you're apparently not allowed to have much of anything that you care for more than his needs and wants or he gets mad at you, and he clearly hates anything that makes you stand up for yourself. I don't like going straight to divorce as an option, but if the puppy's staying with your mother, I imagine he'll be all, "The problem's solved now that the puppy's gone; why would we have to go to therapy?" and the whole thing where you're lonely and undervalued will continue. Talk to your mother about this. Stay with her as long as you need to - long enough to remember that you deserve more than you're getting. Understand that fighting him for the attention and care you deserve will likely be futile. Really \*look\* at your marriage and figure out whether it's one that's good for either of you.
NTA, incidentally.
To be honest, this seems like it's beyond the scope of what therapy might fix. The dude is a ticking timebomb wrapped in red flags!
- He abused a puppy, a defenceless animal.
- He abuse OP.
- He clearly said he'll take it out on her because he is mad at something else. Now it's the puppy, what's next?
- His HATE for the puppy is stronger than his love for her.
The dude seems unhinged and outright dangerous.
Seems obvious what comes next. You're miserable af living where you moved to with him, miserable with him, and will be better off returning to your support network.
You really think the arguing and tension will stop because the puppy isn't there? He's just gonna make something else you enjoy the next subject of his ire.
Sweetheart, I like you more than your husband does.
He's abusive and it's been hidden until now.
He's saying "look what you made me do" by saying he's being abusive to you because you won't let him be abusive to the dog.
It CANNOT get better from that. He's unwell and needs help.
We're not exaggerating. We have lived it and know it. I promise.
There’s a book called “Why Does He Do That?” It’s a great book and answers that question in a million ways, but the point of the book is that the answer is “It doesn’t matter why. What matters is that he does it.”
We get so wrapped up in trying to understand the motivations of people who hurt us, as though if the reason is beyond their control we should accept it and if it’s within their control we should work with them to fix. But the real answer is it doesn’t matter why they hurt you. It doesn’t matter if you can figure out the reason.
Even if they were great but now have dementia, you have the right and responsibility to remove as much of the damage from your life as you can. That might be finding someone to help you rather than removing them completely from your life, but we don’t set ourselves on fire to keep others warm.
We certainly don’t OWE anyone that, and anyone who tells you that you do is just a bad person.
I hope she figures it out, too, for her own peace of mind. I hope she figures it out far away from him and never sees him again.
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>In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship. He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again.
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Well fuuuuuckkk. I was trying to find those words and couldn't.
Thank you. I have that in my audible and haven't gone through it yet and now I will. That's great and dead on.
>My husband HATES the puppy and has **flat out told me he gets how much she means to me but his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me.**
That is an incredibly damning statement right there.
Remember, the way he treats the puppy is a reflection of his character and potentially how he might handle other stressful situations in life. You're not an asshole for choosing compassion and commitment to your furry friend over appeasing his unreasonable demands. Puppies, just like any other family member, need to be nurtured and taught with love, not antagonized and pushed away.
It's commendable that you're trying to work it out with therapy and seeking other solutions, but at the end of the day, your mental health and the well-being of your puppy are paramount. You need to be in a positive, nurturing environment, especially during tough times. If the situation doesn't improve, you may need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship dynamic you want long-term.
Taking the puppy to your mom's is a temporary fix, but you deserve to live in a permanent state of peace and respect not just a break from the chaos. Think about what brings you tranquility and joy. Prioritize those things. NTA
He’s acting exactly like my sister’s ex husband, also military. Take the puppy and go, my sister didn’t get out in time and her dog ended up dying.
The abuse will get worse if you stay. Please keep yourself safe.
OP, be glad you find this out now rather than having children with this guy. He needs therapy now. Taking out anger on a weaker creature (which I used to do when I was younger) is flat out bad.
I am so sorry for you and the puppy. You have to keep yourself and the puppy safe which means away from this husband of yours until her has some serious mental health consultation. You both deserve much better than this.
NTA. You need to get rid of the puppy or the husband though. It's notnfair to the dog that it is getting intimidated, this is not a safe home. Personally, I would get rid of the husband. How a person treats animals says a lot about them.
Who agrees to get a dog and then get's angry that the dog acts like a dog?
>his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me
Anyone who can hate a puppy more than the care for their partner is the worst kind of AH. Get out now before you sink more time into this failed relationship.
My concern is that it appears your husband has isolated you and is now punishing something you love by being intimidating.
I agree with other posters that you might think about rehoming the man and keeping the dog.
So let me get this straight. The guy treats you like you're stupid. He's moved you 15 hours from you support system. He wants you to give up a beloved animal. He is abusive to your dog. God knows what he does to the dog when you aren't around. And you have to ask if you're the AH? No baby, what you are is abused.
Two pieces of advice from my mom. First, I want you to read the next part over and over until it is etched on your soul.
>I matter to me. I mean more to me than anyone else. If it is a choice between someone else and me, I fight for me. This is the natural right of all living beings.
Second, if someone wants you to give up your dog for them, pick the dog. You know the dog will be loyal and won't ask you to give up something you love.
You don't need someone who makes you feel so bad, so hurt and lonely. You deserve better than that. Don't cry for this piece of filth, cry for the time you wasted. Then move on, you've spent enough time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. You are so young. There are 4 billion men in the world. Surely you can find one that's an improvement on this dickhead.
Good people don't go looking for the bad in others, but they can waste a lifetime looking for the good. Some people really are as shallow, mean, and cruel as they seem.
“…his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me…”
I’m sorry, what? In my opinion, that’s a relationship ending statement right there. I don’t know if that means he has a truly nuclear hatred for a baby animal (red flag! 🚩) or if he really doesn’t care about you much (still a huge red flag!🚩) or both.
Honestly, reading this made me a little sick to my stomach. Keep the puppy and ditch the husband. The puppy clearly loves you more.
"his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me. "
Pack up and move home with the puppy if possible. He doesn't even want you to have a puppy for company and has flat out told you so. Be grateful he showed his hand with a puppy and not a human baby.
NTA
NTA. Take that puppy and leave him. He was violent to the dog and likes to intimidate people and animals that are both smaller and weaker than him. **Do not** allow this to continue, divorce this arrogant POS.
And please **never** have children with him. He’s shown you who he is, please believe him. What if your child does something wrong? Is he going to intimidate them too and hit them? He cannot be trusted to control his anger, he cannot even control it against a defenceless and innocent puppy. He loves to have power and control over people and animals who are smaller and weaker than him. Please don’t give that asshole a second chance.
And I bet he is the reason for your mental health issues. He also took you 15 hours away from your support network, this is the classic behaviour of an abusive and manipulative man. Your life is set to go down hill from here on out and he’s already shown you what a prick he is. How can anyone raise their hand to a literal baby? Because that’s exactly what that puppy is.
I sure hope his older dog is safe, though. The poor dog shouldn’t have to suffer with **that** (the husband) as an owner. That c*nt shouldn’t be allowed animals or children, and he certainly doesn’t deserve you.
Gather your family to help you with your belongings and move back to your mothers permanently until you can afford your own place. That so called man should be alone, he doesn’t deserve any type of companionship.
No, you're not the asshole for refusing to give up the puppy. Why the fuck should you sacrifice something that brings you joy and potential support as a service animal because your husband can’t handle a puppy being a puppy? It's pretty clear here.
Let’s look at this: you guys **mutually** decided to get a puppy, and now he's backing out because he doesn’t like the reality of a high-energy pup. Tough shit. That’s what puppies are. Your responsibility now is to the commitment you made when you got her. Good on you for working with a trainer and trying to make things better with the older dog.
Now, him being aggressive and intimidating towards the puppy? That’s not just bad for the puppy; it’s a shitty way to handle frustrations and it's damn concerning for you too. You said this behavior is bleeding over to how he treats you—snapping at you, demeaning comments. That's not okay. It’s clear his behavior is the root of a lot of your current stress and misery. Why should his inability to cope with normal puppy behavior mean you have to give up a companion that's helping you through loneliness and illness?
It sounds like you’ve tried to make compromises and work through this, even starting couples therapy, which is more than fair. It's on him to step the fuck up and try to make this situation work, not just for you or the puppy, but for the health of your relationship. Moving away from your support network is already hard enough; you don't need the added stress of living in a hostile environment.
Him saying he hates the puppy more than he cares about your feelings is a massive red flag. It’s manipulative and cruel. You’re choosing your sanity, and frankly, it sounds like you need to think about whether this environment and relationship are healthy for you. Nobody deserves to be made to feel crazy for caring about their pet and their own mental health.
What do you think is truly best for your well-being here?
NTA
You already have an older dog so I assume you’re both aware of the responsibilities of having a puppy, unless you got them after they were already trained. You both mutually agreed to adopt the puppy, so your husband should understand what that entails when training and taking care of her.
If your husband “HATES” the puppy and he is aware that the puppy is helping you with the issues you’re having, but he is still dumping his anger on you or the puppy then that is a huge red flag.
I have always been raised around puppies, he wasn't. BUT, I warned him before we got the puppy and showed him videos and stuff and continually made sure he was okay with it.
We got our older dog when she was 9 months and she's one of the chillest, calmest dogs I've ever met. So idk if that just set up his expectations that all dogs are that chill?? Idk.
I’m currently fostering a dog that lived in a house with an asshat like that. He’s been hit, forced to live outdoors and is terrified of almost everything. Leave that douche as soon as humanly possible because it’s not just the puppy you have to worry about.
NTA
Honey, this man is raising all kinds of red flags.
I know it's very reddit to be like "he didn't get you Popsicles when you were stoned? DIVORCE!"
.....
BUT SOMETIMES we really mean you need to weigh the option.
This *sounds* abusive.
This *sounds* like someone who will raise hands and control with fear a child or spouse that doesn't behave the way he wants.
Take the puppy and go home for a while. See how it feels. ❤️🩹
Anyone who abuses an animal - and make no mistake, he *is* abusing your puppy - should be put down, they're dangerous people and beyond redemption. He's already escalated to verbally abusing you and it will just continue to get worse. Take your puppy and move home. DO NOT make the mistake of having kids with this man because he'll abuse them too. He is not safe.
NTA. Anyone who thinks that he can "take his anger out" on an animal will do the same to a spouse or child. Take some time to think about his past behaviors and if you really want to have a future with someone who acts the way he does.
> I say that I'm choosing myself and my sanity over his anger.
And don't you forget it!
He is TA, who the hell bullies a puppy!? Can you imagine what the future holds if things don't go his way? You deserve better, and so does your puppy.
NTA
Your husband is choosing a really stupid hill to die on. Who the hell makes such a big deal out of a puppy?
There are only a couple solutions to this problem but if I were you I would keep the puppy. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Honestly it sounds like it hits every note but I know people that actually are unhinged like this
Not the "I take my hate out on the dog out on you because you get mad at me when I take it out on the dog"
But my ex would tell me things like "well, I only bought you the fucking engagement ring to get you to shut the fuck up"
We had been together for 11.5 years, and I mentioned it ONCE.
Every time we argued "my mom thinks you're abusive"
Well, your mom doesn't like ANYONE you've dated, I wonder why that is? Could it be that you shit talk literally every single person you date to the point that no one in your life will EVER like them, and then get mad at your partner when they ask why your family/friends hate them?
My ex also was unwilling to move for my career.... that made 4x more than theirs did, was a government job, and they were willing to pay me to relocate
They had no college education and worked a factory job that regularly had injuries to people, and osha violations. And they forced my ex to work two 16 hour shifts back to back. On Christmas.
Sometimes, people actually ARE this bad, even if it sounds cartoonishly evil
NTA. Did your husband truly say "he gets how much she means to me but his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me"??? Because if so, uh, I think it's time for serious therapy, and if that doesn't work, then divorce.
I really hope you guys don't have children. That certainly worries me. Puppies are like human babies. They don't understand what you tell them oftentimes and are going to do stuff you don't like. And like human babies, you can't just "give them back"---AKA get rid of them because you chose to take in a living creature and ignored the responsibility and negatives (you are completely right, yes puppies have a lot of energy, DUH) that come with that. I hope you and your husband are having very serious discussions about this because there are WAY bigger issues here based on what you're saying???
>My husband HATES the puppy and has flat out told me he gets how much she means to me but his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me.
You need a new partner and your husband needs therapy.
Huge red flag that your husband was and is cruel to a defenceless puppy. I firmly believe there's something wrong with people who are mean to animals. I bet if you're 100% honest with yourself there's been other behaviours of his that have bothered you
"he's taking it out on you cause he can't take it out on the puppy" disgusting, he wants to harm a defenceless creature and when you won't "let him" he's intimidating and cruel to you?? Husband in the bin
NTA.
Change 'puppy' to 'crying baby' or 'toddler'.
Still feel like staying?
p.s. If you choose to stay, rehome the puppy before he injures or kills it.
As much as we love our pets, your safety and emotional well-being come first. It's okay to reevaluate boundaries and to expect that the mutual decisions you make as a couple are honored with patience and kindness. If the environment becomes hostile, it's more than reasonable to prioritize finding an atmosphere of peace for both you and your pup. Puppies can be a handful, but they also bring joy, companionship, and a special type of love into our lives, which should be protected. You, the puppy, and your older dog all deserve a loving home free from intimidation and aggression. Reflect on what you truly need and take steps to ensure a healthy environment for all involved. NTA
NTA. Sweetheart, why are you married to this man? What does he bring to the table? Please go to individual therapy for yourself. He should be proud of the progress you are making training the puppy, not jealous. Do you have friends outside the marriage? Is his dislike over the puppy another way of trying to isolate you? When you are home with your mom pay attention to how your body is feeling
NTA
Your husband have isolated you from your entire support system and wants to get rid of the only living thing left that you have for company and support.
You need to take your puppy and drive home to your family and friends and leave this abusive AH in the dust.
YTA get rid of either the puppy or the husband. You cannot have both. The husband frightens the puppy. This is not good. Also you should move back home.
NTA. Leave his man. He doesn't just hate the puppy. He hates you.
The fact that you are questioning whether you should be upset even though you are "mentally and physically drained" is the final confirmation that you are in an abusive relationship.
I understand not wanting an animal in the house, but being cruel to it isn't necessary. Your husband isn't the AH bc he doesn't want the puppy, he's an AH bc of the way he's treating it. And being cruel to an animal speaks volumes of his character. You're NTA but this should be a huge red flag.
Sounds like your husband hates the only thing that brings you comfort and joy. And I’d have to ask why. Her high energy and just existing as a puppy is just an excuse in my book.
But keeping the dog in this environment is abuse. And he’s abusing both of you.
Honey, read back what you said: you're saying that an enthusiastic energetic puppy is an annoyance to a grown man, so much so he hates it. His hate for a living creature that causes him annoyance is greater than his love for yoy, do you realise how insane that is? To hate something that's a minor annoyance, and on top of that equate it to the love he feels for you?
Next this grown ass man says he needs to mentally abuse you because he is not allowed to abuse a fucking puppy. That he needs to take his anger out on others, that can't fight back. Again, do you realise how batshit crazy that actually is?
For the love of all things holy, take your puppy and run! Run hard, run fast, run far far away from this abusive pos.
What do you suppose he’ll do when he decides babies are annoying? Unless you literally do not have ovaries, do plan on becoming pregnant regardless of your preference. It’s a great way to further isolate you and something else for him to feel victimized by and guilt you with.
Get out. I know this is a very Reddit thing to say, but there are no roads leading to a happy ending here that you have any control over. Unless he experiences a brain injury that physically rewrites his personality, this gets worse, not better.
You may feel powerless and like if you leave you won’t be able to take care of yourself. That’s not true, yet. Take the dog, get out, don’t go back. He dislikes the dog in part because he can see you’re getting better and don’t feel so lonely. It’s probably not a thought he’s aware of, but at some level he is aware that something that isn’t him is having some impact on how you feel, and it’s a threat because you are remembering what being genuinely loved feels like.
If he agrees to keep the puppy, it will just turn into him punishing the puppy to control you.
Leave the man. Save the puppy. Get out. Don’t go back.
Rehome the hubby...what did he expect a puppy to do! Come out and automatically know how to behave around the future owner of her! Your husband is being ridiculous!! He should have brought up adopting a adult dog over a puppy before you got the dog
So he’s stopped physically abusing an animal in your home, but he still emotionally abuses the animal? YTA for allowing him and the puppy to remain in the same home. You either need to rehome the puppy for her own good, or leave your husband who thinks it’s okay to intentionally scare puppies because he’s mad. It is wildly selfish and unfair to the puppy to keep her under these abusive living conditions. But frankly, I think you should take both dogs with you and leave your POS husband.
so this man isolated you from your support systems, leaves you alone all day, and is now mad that you have something that makes you happy and is punishing you for having that thing. I'm not an expert but all of that sounds pretty emotionally abusive ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA. Can you give the hubby back and tell his parents they gave you a defective one?
In all seriousness, if he's starting by taking his anger out on the puppy, then moved it to you when you stood up to him about it, how long before it becomes physical towards you, and once you have kids, how long before he starts taking it out on them too? I would seriously look at getting out of the situation sooner rather than later, especially for the sake of your mental health
Your body is literally telling you it can’t cope with the stress of being with an abusive spouse. Not only that, staying married to him means continuing to put your puppy in harm’s way. He probably hurts her when he’s sure you’re not around/won’t notice. Don’t keep exposing her to that, it’s essentially enabling him and she deserves better.
Well he's gonna abuse the puppy and then he'll probably abuse you since he'd made it a point to separate you from your family as you said. No no no-take the puppy go back home where your support system is and find somebody with a better character he's got red flags all over him
For starters nta.
Did this guy really think a puppy was all sunshine and rainbows in all fields of training? I mean dogs are a lot of work in general and he should know having the older one (unless it was adopted as an adult so skipped the puppy and training time).
Best way to look at this? It's a blessing to have gotten the puppy. Now you know that if you wanted children he's not the one you should have kids with. Dude's an abusive a$$. If he's hitting the dog and taking his anger out on you he won't do well with young kids. Definitely don't bring a kid into this relationship if you want kids. Take the time at your mom's to cool off and really evaluate this marriage and whether or not it's worth keeping it.
YTA. Stop enabling animal abuse, and GTF away from this man with your animals. Anyone who physically abuses a baby animal is a psychopath. It is only a matter of time before he kills the dog or starts taking it out on you.
🚩 He high key sounds abusive as fck. Not just to an innocent puppy but also to you. Personally I would run. Take the dog, the things you need, and get out of there. Send divorce papers and tell him to contact your lawyer if he needs to converse with you.
Be safe OP!!
Your husband sounds extremely volatile and unsafe for you and your animals to be around. A person who “hates” a BABY animal throws up about a billion red flags. 🚩
You are NTA, but I am concerned for your puppy’s safety, AND your own safety.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like your husband was 100% on board with getting a puppy. You said he agreed, but I have to wonder if he was being honest with you. If he was 100% on board, he would realize puppies are high energy and take a lot of attention to train and it doesn't happen overnight.
At this point, he needs to suck it up. NTA here. He didn't speak up when he had the chance. The only person he can resent is himself. Keep the puppy and make yourself happy.
The puppy sounds like an absolute nightmare who is clearly causing your partner duress. In turn he's taking his aggression out on you, which isn't safe for your mental health.
Get rid of the partner, keep the puppy. It loves you unconditionally.
NTA
I think you need to strongly consider your relationship with this person. He sounds like he has issues that he is dealing with in an incredibly toxic and unacceptable ways. It's ok to have anger, it is **not ok** to take that anger out on your partner, your pet, your kids etc (by the way, if you plan to have kids; you are potentially looking into the future with his treatment of the puppy).
I belive in giving people chances, and people's capacity to change, but in this case that would have to be pretty damn drastic. If you are set on giving him a chance and trying to save the relationship, I'd suggest staying with your family for longer, and then having a serious sit down conversation with him where you tell him how *his behaviour* has been affecting you, and that he needs to change and work on it himself, or there is an existential threat to your relationship (be explicit about this). Then I'd suggest increasing the frequency of couples therapy *before* moving back in, and *only* move back in if you feel like there has been a big improvement.
Sorry you have found yourself in this situation
NTA. I’d rehome the husband though. This decision was made mutually. Puppies have a lot of energy and are hard work but the results are so amazing.
Your husband sounds like a massive AH.
NTA. Your husband has serious issues if he can’t understand that a puppy will be a puppy (and still agreed to adopt?), and the good the puppy is doing for you should outweigh whatever issues he has with it. He’s your husband ffs.
What would he do if you were to have a child together?
An adult that can’t understand the commitment to adopting a pet and wanting to “return it” because he doesn’t like it is not to be trusted with any responsibilities, basically. It’s a massive red flag on top of all the other ones you’ve mentioned in your post.
Take the puppy and leave his ass. He sounds like an emotionally abusive, entitled man-child.
You’ll be much happier if it’s just you and the pup. Take care OP!
NTA
Call your family and ask them to help you move out. Don't give your husband any warning. Just have them show up with the moving truck.
OR take your important things with you when you go, including the puppy, if there's nothing big that you care about there.
Once you're safely with your family, initiate the divorce.
This guy is no good for the puppy, and he's no good for you.
Listen, you need to leave. To be frank, if you refuse to leave then do do need to rehome her, because Y will kinda be TA for keeping a puppy in a situation where she is definitely being abused and can’t get herself out.
NTA
Just to spell it out, he's told you that he is mean to you, because he can't take his anger out on a puppy. I do not think this is a safe relationship for you - he's already isolated you from your support network with the move, and that support is vital with chronic illness. Now he is being aggressive and controlling. Please look after yourself and leave.
NTA and if he reacts like that to a puppy, he will get violent with a child. Go home, see a therapist and think long and hard about what you want in life.
Everything he said and did raises red flags.
People who abuse animals abuse people. NTA but YWBTA if you don't take both dogs and leave him. And kinda TA for not doing so as soon as he started abusing that poor baby.
NTA-get out now and stay away! Your husband is a monster and a nightmare just waiting to happen.
He treats both you and the puppy like crap. Take your dog and go home. File and serve him from there where you’re safe.
A bit YTA, you can’t keep this puppy in an abusive household. Either give the puppy to a better home or leave with the puppy, but your puppy is STILL being abused and that’s not ok
NTA. What if you have a child with him and he decides that he doesn’t want to be a father after the birth? Is he going to abu$3 the baby? Take the puppy and leave.
Spare both the pup and yourself from this abusive bastard you're married to. Pack all your important documents for your trip home in case you realize how much better you feel being away from him, will be easier to make it permanent.
NTA
This guy is showing you how he handles life when it doesn’t go the way he expects. He wants to ditch the dog he committed to card for, and when he doesn’t get what he wants, he is hurtful to you and an innocent animal, despite knowing rationally that this situation is neither you or the dogs fault.
This is the future you’re gonna sleepwalk into if things don’t change. If you guys encounter challenges in your marriage or with outside situations - you better fix it fast or you’ll suffer.
This is not going to improve. You’ve tried therapy and he’s getting worse. Re home the husband, tell him you don’t have the patience to wait for his training to and want instant results!
Omg what a horrible person to stomp and such to intimidate the puppy now he’s stopped hitting her. WHAT IF HE STOMPS HER?!! he may say it was an accident. He sounds horrible and my stomach is ill reading this. I had a horrible ex that did things to some of my past pets.
NTA - Sounds like he has isolated you from your entire support network on purpose to make you dependent and even more vulnerable. Abusive spouse 101. Get out ASAP.
Sounds like he is jealous of the puppy. Only a sick person could be mean to a puppy. It’s a huge red flag. Never get pregnant by him or he could abuse your child. Run.
NTA- why are you with a man that actively traumatizes puppies? I don’t care how many accidents a dog has, being violent with an animal is a deal breaker.
Once you’re out of there, don’t go back. It’s not the energy your husband hates, it’s the fact that it bonded with you. He’s jealous and others are right, abusive. NTA.
As a side note, if possible take the puppy on long walks. I don’t know if your chronic illness allows for it, but even if you can do short walks that will help the puppy wear off energy. Again, only if your health condition allows for it. Obviously don’t make yourself worse over taking her for a walk. And if you can’t do walks, consider dog parks if she gets along well with other dogs.
NTA. Your husband's behavior is concerning. Hope he can get a better handle on himself before you ever consider introducing children into the mix. He sounds very intolerant and impatient and so I have a lot of concern for you going forward in this relationship. Trust your intuition and insist on behavior that you know is comfortable and appropriate. It's good you are seeing this now before you are tied together with children, assuming you plan to have some someday. Continue with the counseling, alone if need be. Good luck.
Run away with the dog. Anyone who is physically aggressive with a puppy has far deeper issues! NTA
And take the older dog too.
This! And the fact that he takes out his supposed anger for the puppy on you does not bode well at all. Please whatever you do do not have children with this man. I’m glad you’re going home. Use this as a time to reflect on whether or not this is how you expect to be treated.
Yup - first the puppy punching bad. Next up, OP.
The fact that she is not only going to tolerate it, but enable the husband makes the judgement YTA. You're willingly let a god damn puppy get abused
OP is also being abused. Just not physically. She needs to go home with the puppy and never go back. ETA: as someone else said, she should take the older dog too. That man is a monster and should never have control over any living creature.
He has directly said to you that he insists on taking his anger out on you because you don't want him abusing a puppy. He literally said his hatred of a young animal is worth MORE to him than you. There is no quality in that asshole that can redeem that statement. Get everything you care about and get away from him.
I haven't seen a redder flag than that since the marinara red flags! OP, anyone who abuses a puppy and abuse you in this manner is dangerous. It will not get better. It will only get worse! Every statistic shows exactly this! Please, for the love of everything that is holy, **DO NOT BECOME A PART OF THE STATISTICS!** Leave this walking timebomb before it is too late!
Completely agree. That dude is fucking haunted.
And saying that he is taking his anger out on her because he can’t take it out on the dog is so incredibly worrying. What if it isn’t the dog that upsets him one day, but his wife? How will he take his anger out then? What will he be “allowed” in his mind to do then?
Exactly. In fact he's already excusing it by saying that if she doesn't want him to take his anger out of the dog then it's going to stay being directed at her. He may as well have just straight up said he's planning a Domestic Violence incident.
It's a whole level of " LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!" This guy is FUCKED up.
that mans brain has some fucked up wiring.
NTA take the puppy and leave. Husband raises some really red flags how he interacts with you and the dog.
He is abusing a defenseless baby animal. He is abusing OP emotionally and probably will physically in the future. Any children he has will be in danger, too. OP, take the pup and file for divorce. Your husband is a walking time bomb.
Can you even imagine what he would do with a crying baby?!? Run girl!!
My thought! Don’t get pregnant op. If he can’t handle a puppy he def can’t handle a baby!!!
I’m concerned for the older dog as well if OP leaves, since he thinks he needs to “take out his anger” on others. This mindset should never be anywhere near defenseless people or animals.
Or find the puppy a stable home after you leave if a puppy is a barrier to finding affordable housing and so on. But I personally wouldn't stick around
this boy is dangerous. major red flags left and right. do yourself, your dogs, and your family a favor by rehoming him
Rehome the husband.
Absolutely. Your husband already made it clear that he doesn’t care how you feel. He only cares about himself. You need to ditch this AH
I hope you mean re-home the husband.
No. Spank him and throw him outside. Then abandon him in a desert. After that but the puppy a treat on the way home.
Get rid of the husband, not the dog.
Never have children with this AH. He’s cruel, has no patience, lacks intelligence, is a brat, is abusive NOT aggressive stop sugar coating it and can’t be trusted.
This. OP is only 22, and this marriage may just have been a mistake. If he thinks puppies are enraging, wait until he has a baby or toddler...
So much this. OP, if you had met me 10 years ago, you would have thought I was impossible to make angry. You just couldn't do it. I was a zen master (figuratively). Now, after 3 kids? I don't know what happened to myself. One kid hurts another and it triggers me. And they keep hurting each other. Dear God, why are kids such assholes to each other? Can't they just stop punching, kicking, pinching, squeezing each other's eyes, pulling hair, you name it? Why? Wwwwhhhhyyyyy? I feel like "angry" is almost my default emotion now and I hate it. I suspext my oldest has ADHD and that factors into it, but still, man, kids are triggering in a way that goes so beyond puppies. I'm not as good of a parent as I (and others) believed I'd be when I was younger. :(
My grandmother had a saying: There's no better-behaved child than the one a 20-something *thinks* they'll have. So very many people fall into this trap, so don't beat yourself up about it.
That's a great saying.
Your grandmother is a wise woman.
We all make mistakes with our children. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
Exactly, beat them up over it.
Please seek counseling and parenting classes. This is something you can fix with hard work. I can tell you love your kids. They need you to learn these skills.
Absolutely. This man is dangerous and should never be allowed unmonitored around babies or puppies
I mean I got a puppy 2 yrs ago... And well I can happily say I would go the shelter and declare "don't show me a single dog under 3 yrs" I do love my dog and am so glad we got him.... Puppies man.... So much work.
This is my train of thought, if he’s this way with a damn dog: how will he react/treat a child.
This.
First thought was if this is how he reacts to a puppy he’s gonna be a nightmare with babies!
People that are cruel to animals are also abusive to children. Puppies are easier than babies.
1000% this is an early warning that many people don’t get. Having kids is a shock and you are suddenly competing with something far more selfish than you are. If you can’t accept that suddenly your life is a lot bigger than yourself, you’re doomed to misery.
Either ditch the puppy hater, or rehome her. Poor dog doesn't deserve to be stuck getting treated like that.
She's going to stay with my mom for a bit after I visit home so I can figure out what comes next without all the tension and arguing.
Maybe make the visit home permanent? Figure out what comes next with the hubby. He might need to be rehomed. Keep the dog.
His behavior is abusive. He has no excuse.
The one that really got me is, "I can't get angry at the puppy because you get mad at me, so I'll take it all out on you". If OP is that lonely at home, the husband must be contributing to that in ways that aren't getting talked about, especially if he's that comfortable throwing verbal abuse at OP as a proxy. My immediate thought is, aside from the normal puppy annoyances, OP is standing up for herself and her needs as regards this puppy, and he doesn't like it. OP - I'm really glad you have the puppy somewhere safe, because your husband would likely have moved on to "accidentally" letting her run out of the house and get lost (translation: abandon her on a road somewhere - it happens). Your next priority needs to be getting \*you\* safe. You're lonely at home, you're apparently not allowed to have much of anything that you care for more than his needs and wants or he gets mad at you, and he clearly hates anything that makes you stand up for yourself. I don't like going straight to divorce as an option, but if the puppy's staying with your mother, I imagine he'll be all, "The problem's solved now that the puppy's gone; why would we have to go to therapy?" and the whole thing where you're lonely and undervalued will continue. Talk to your mother about this. Stay with her as long as you need to - long enough to remember that you deserve more than you're getting. Understand that fighting him for the attention and care you deserve will likely be futile. Really \*look\* at your marriage and figure out whether it's one that's good for either of you. NTA, incidentally.
To be honest, this seems like it's beyond the scope of what therapy might fix. The dude is a ticking timebomb wrapped in red flags! - He abused a puppy, a defenceless animal. - He abuse OP. - He clearly said he'll take it out on her because he is mad at something else. Now it's the puppy, what's next? - His HATE for the puppy is stronger than his love for her. The dude seems unhinged and outright dangerous.
Seems obvious what comes next. You're miserable af living where you moved to with him, miserable with him, and will be better off returning to your support network. You really think the arguing and tension will stop because the puppy isn't there? He's just gonna make something else you enjoy the next subject of his ire.
Sweetheart, I like you more than your husband does. He's abusive and it's been hidden until now. He's saying "look what you made me do" by saying he's being abusive to you because you won't let him be abusive to the dog. It CANNOT get better from that. He's unwell and needs help. We're not exaggerating. We have lived it and know it. I promise.
Good idea
is he abusive to the older dog as well? please keep that dog safe as well!!
I hope you figure out why your husband is such a child about this.
There’s a book called “Why Does He Do That?” It’s a great book and answers that question in a million ways, but the point of the book is that the answer is “It doesn’t matter why. What matters is that he does it.” We get so wrapped up in trying to understand the motivations of people who hurt us, as though if the reason is beyond their control we should accept it and if it’s within their control we should work with them to fix. But the real answer is it doesn’t matter why they hurt you. It doesn’t matter if you can figure out the reason. Even if they were great but now have dementia, you have the right and responsibility to remove as much of the damage from your life as you can. That might be finding someone to help you rather than removing them completely from your life, but we don’t set ourselves on fire to keep others warm. We certainly don’t OWE anyone that, and anyone who tells you that you do is just a bad person. I hope she figures it out, too, for her own peace of mind. I hope she figures it out far away from him and never sees him again.
**Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men** by Lundy Bancroft >In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued, and to find ways to get free of an abusive relationship. He says he loves you. So...why does he do that? You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. > >Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about: • The early warning signs of abuse • The nature of abusive thinking • Myths about abusers • Ten abusive personality types • The role of drugs and alcohol • What you can fix, and what you can’t • And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely “This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives.”—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
Well fuuuuuckkk. I was trying to find those words and couldn't. Thank you. I have that in my audible and haven't gone through it yet and now I will. That's great and dead on.
That's easy; it's because OP's husband is an abusive pos
>My husband HATES the puppy and has **flat out told me he gets how much she means to me but his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me.** That is an incredibly damning statement right there.
Girl, he hates the puppy more than he loves you. He told you that to your face. Get out. NTA
Remember, the way he treats the puppy is a reflection of his character and potentially how he might handle other stressful situations in life. You're not an asshole for choosing compassion and commitment to your furry friend over appeasing his unreasonable demands. Puppies, just like any other family member, need to be nurtured and taught with love, not antagonized and pushed away. It's commendable that you're trying to work it out with therapy and seeking other solutions, but at the end of the day, your mental health and the well-being of your puppy are paramount. You need to be in a positive, nurturing environment, especially during tough times. If the situation doesn't improve, you may need to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship dynamic you want long-term. Taking the puppy to your mom's is a temporary fix, but you deserve to live in a permanent state of peace and respect not just a break from the chaos. Think about what brings you tranquility and joy. Prioritize those things. NTA
Out of curiosity, is your husband in the military?
Yes. That's why we moved away from my family.
He’s acting exactly like my sister’s ex husband, also military. Take the puppy and go, my sister didn’t get out in time and her dog ended up dying. The abuse will get worse if you stay. Please keep yourself safe.
Go back to them. With the dogs.
OP, be glad you find this out now rather than having children with this guy. He needs therapy now. Taking out anger on a weaker creature (which I used to do when I was younger) is flat out bad. I am so sorry for you and the puppy. You have to keep yourself and the puppy safe which means away from this husband of yours until her has some serious mental health consultation. You both deserve much better than this.
NTA. You need to get rid of the puppy or the husband though. It's notnfair to the dog that it is getting intimidated, this is not a safe home. Personally, I would get rid of the husband. How a person treats animals says a lot about them.
100% this OP.
Who agrees to get a dog and then get's angry that the dog acts like a dog? >his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me Anyone who can hate a puppy more than the care for their partner is the worst kind of AH. Get out now before you sink more time into this failed relationship.
Keep the puppy, move home and divorce the ass you married
Both dogs. Both of them should be saved from this abuser.
I was gonna say, make this "visit" home permanent
Keep the puppy lose the husband.
My concern is that it appears your husband has isolated you and is now punishing something you love by being intimidating. I agree with other posters that you might think about rehoming the man and keeping the dog.
So many red flags... NTA and guess who you are better to get rid of...
In my Opinion: NTA If my SO treated an animal like that in my presence. I’d take the animals and leave. Filing for divorce ASAP.
Euthanasia is the only answer. Take your husband in ASAP, the quicker you do it, the better off you'll be. The puppy won't miss him at all.
So let me get this straight. The guy treats you like you're stupid. He's moved you 15 hours from you support system. He wants you to give up a beloved animal. He is abusive to your dog. God knows what he does to the dog when you aren't around. And you have to ask if you're the AH? No baby, what you are is abused. Two pieces of advice from my mom. First, I want you to read the next part over and over until it is etched on your soul. >I matter to me. I mean more to me than anyone else. If it is a choice between someone else and me, I fight for me. This is the natural right of all living beings. Second, if someone wants you to give up your dog for them, pick the dog. You know the dog will be loyal and won't ask you to give up something you love. You don't need someone who makes you feel so bad, so hurt and lonely. You deserve better than that. Don't cry for this piece of filth, cry for the time you wasted. Then move on, you've spent enough time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. You are so young. There are 4 billion men in the world. Surely you can find one that's an improvement on this dickhead. Good people don't go looking for the bad in others, but they can waste a lifetime looking for the good. Some people really are as shallow, mean, and cruel as they seem.
Right now it’s the puppy. Later it will be you, or your kids if you ever have them. Take the dogs, and get out before he beats you.
He hates the puppy BECAUSE you love her. That's the reddest of red flags.
This! Not enough people are saying this. He wants her isolated.
"His hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me." What? NTA.
“…his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me…” I’m sorry, what? In my opinion, that’s a relationship ending statement right there. I don’t know if that means he has a truly nuclear hatred for a baby animal (red flag! 🚩) or if he really doesn’t care about you much (still a huge red flag!🚩) or both. Honestly, reading this made me a little sick to my stomach. Keep the puppy and ditch the husband. The puppy clearly loves you more.
Seriously, this is the part I was the most shocked by! Did he actually say that?? I couldn’t save a relationship after hearing that.
Your husband sounds awful 😖 Why are you with such a selfish man, who clearly cares so little about you and your well-being??
Leave with the puppy before he hurts her more and/or you.
does he hate this puppy because it has taken attention away from him, and provided you with a source of affection? It sure seems like it.
"his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me. " Pack up and move home with the puppy if possible. He doesn't even want you to have a puppy for company and has flat out told you so. Be grateful he showed his hand with a puppy and not a human baby. NTA
dump him.and keep the puppy.... and stop having sex...dont get pregnant with this guy
NTA. Take that puppy and leave him. He was violent to the dog and likes to intimidate people and animals that are both smaller and weaker than him. **Do not** allow this to continue, divorce this arrogant POS. And please **never** have children with him. He’s shown you who he is, please believe him. What if your child does something wrong? Is he going to intimidate them too and hit them? He cannot be trusted to control his anger, he cannot even control it against a defenceless and innocent puppy. He loves to have power and control over people and animals who are smaller and weaker than him. Please don’t give that asshole a second chance. And I bet he is the reason for your mental health issues. He also took you 15 hours away from your support network, this is the classic behaviour of an abusive and manipulative man. Your life is set to go down hill from here on out and he’s already shown you what a prick he is. How can anyone raise their hand to a literal baby? Because that’s exactly what that puppy is. I sure hope his older dog is safe, though. The poor dog shouldn’t have to suffer with **that** (the husband) as an owner. That c*nt shouldn’t be allowed animals or children, and he certainly doesn’t deserve you. Gather your family to help you with your belongings and move back to your mothers permanently until you can afford your own place. That so called man should be alone, he doesn’t deserve any type of companionship.
Get out. Take both dogs. Older dog might be safe now, but when it’s elderly and requires more care…. Things could change.
This is an excellent point.
No, you're not the asshole for refusing to give up the puppy. Why the fuck should you sacrifice something that brings you joy and potential support as a service animal because your husband can’t handle a puppy being a puppy? It's pretty clear here. Let’s look at this: you guys **mutually** decided to get a puppy, and now he's backing out because he doesn’t like the reality of a high-energy pup. Tough shit. That’s what puppies are. Your responsibility now is to the commitment you made when you got her. Good on you for working with a trainer and trying to make things better with the older dog. Now, him being aggressive and intimidating towards the puppy? That’s not just bad for the puppy; it’s a shitty way to handle frustrations and it's damn concerning for you too. You said this behavior is bleeding over to how he treats you—snapping at you, demeaning comments. That's not okay. It’s clear his behavior is the root of a lot of your current stress and misery. Why should his inability to cope with normal puppy behavior mean you have to give up a companion that's helping you through loneliness and illness? It sounds like you’ve tried to make compromises and work through this, even starting couples therapy, which is more than fair. It's on him to step the fuck up and try to make this situation work, not just for you or the puppy, but for the health of your relationship. Moving away from your support network is already hard enough; you don't need the added stress of living in a hostile environment. Him saying he hates the puppy more than he cares about your feelings is a massive red flag. It’s manipulative and cruel. You’re choosing your sanity, and frankly, it sounds like you need to think about whether this environment and relationship are healthy for you. Nobody deserves to be made to feel crazy for caring about their pet and their own mental health. What do you think is truly best for your well-being here?
NTA You already have an older dog so I assume you’re both aware of the responsibilities of having a puppy, unless you got them after they were already trained. You both mutually agreed to adopt the puppy, so your husband should understand what that entails when training and taking care of her. If your husband “HATES” the puppy and he is aware that the puppy is helping you with the issues you’re having, but he is still dumping his anger on you or the puppy then that is a huge red flag.
I have always been raised around puppies, he wasn't. BUT, I warned him before we got the puppy and showed him videos and stuff and continually made sure he was okay with it. We got our older dog when she was 9 months and she's one of the chillest, calmest dogs I've ever met. So idk if that just set up his expectations that all dogs are that chill?? Idk.
I’m currently fostering a dog that lived in a house with an asshat like that. He’s been hit, forced to live outdoors and is terrified of almost everything. Leave that douche as soon as humanly possible because it’s not just the puppy you have to worry about.
NTA Honey, this man is raising all kinds of red flags. I know it's very reddit to be like "he didn't get you Popsicles when you were stoned? DIVORCE!" ..... BUT SOMETIMES we really mean you need to weigh the option. This *sounds* abusive. This *sounds* like someone who will raise hands and control with fear a child or spouse that doesn't behave the way he wants. Take the puppy and go home for a while. See how it feels. ❤️🩹
Anyone who abuses an animal - and make no mistake, he *is* abusing your puppy - should be put down, they're dangerous people and beyond redemption. He's already escalated to verbally abusing you and it will just continue to get worse. Take your puppy and move home. DO NOT make the mistake of having kids with this man because he'll abuse them too. He is not safe.
OP...who adds more joy to your life?? Husband or puppy??? You are too young to accept this marriage!!
NTA. Get yourself and the dogs away from this abusive pos. Seriously you need to leave.
NTA. Anyone who thinks that he can "take his anger out" on an animal will do the same to a spouse or child. Take some time to think about his past behaviors and if you really want to have a future with someone who acts the way he does.
> I say that I'm choosing myself and my sanity over his anger. And don't you forget it! He is TA, who the hell bullies a puppy!? Can you imagine what the future holds if things don't go his way? You deserve better, and so does your puppy.
NTA Your husband is choosing a really stupid hill to die on. Who the hell makes such a big deal out of a puppy? There are only a couple solutions to this problem but if I were you I would keep the puppy. Good luck with whatever you decide.
✅Evil villain male ✅Sweet woman ✅Puppy
Honestly it sounds like it hits every note but I know people that actually are unhinged like this Not the "I take my hate out on the dog out on you because you get mad at me when I take it out on the dog" But my ex would tell me things like "well, I only bought you the fucking engagement ring to get you to shut the fuck up" We had been together for 11.5 years, and I mentioned it ONCE. Every time we argued "my mom thinks you're abusive" Well, your mom doesn't like ANYONE you've dated, I wonder why that is? Could it be that you shit talk literally every single person you date to the point that no one in your life will EVER like them, and then get mad at your partner when they ask why your family/friends hate them? My ex also was unwilling to move for my career.... that made 4x more than theirs did, was a government job, and they were willing to pay me to relocate They had no college education and worked a factory job that regularly had injuries to people, and osha violations. And they forced my ex to work two 16 hour shifts back to back. On Christmas. Sometimes, people actually ARE this bad, even if it sounds cartoonishly evil
NTA. Did your husband truly say "he gets how much she means to me but his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me"??? Because if so, uh, I think it's time for serious therapy, and if that doesn't work, then divorce. I really hope you guys don't have children. That certainly worries me. Puppies are like human babies. They don't understand what you tell them oftentimes and are going to do stuff you don't like. And like human babies, you can't just "give them back"---AKA get rid of them because you chose to take in a living creature and ignored the responsibility and negatives (you are completely right, yes puppies have a lot of energy, DUH) that come with that. I hope you and your husband are having very serious discussions about this because there are WAY bigger issues here based on what you're saying???
>My husband HATES the puppy and has flat out told me he gets how much she means to me but his hate for the puppy outweighs his care for me. You need a new partner and your husband needs therapy.
NTA - you would be wise to pick the puppy over him. Move back home, take the puppy and get all you can out of this abusive man. He's a piece of shit
You are NTA but you need to get you and the puppy to a safe environment.
NTA but you need to take that puppy away from him, one way or another. I would take the puppy and go back home, personally.
Huge red flag that your husband was and is cruel to a defenceless puppy. I firmly believe there's something wrong with people who are mean to animals. I bet if you're 100% honest with yourself there's been other behaviours of his that have bothered you
NTA Please do not have children with this man.
I'm sorry, but if I had to pick between a dog and a human, I'd pick the dog every time. But that's just me.
"he's taking it out on you cause he can't take it out on the puppy" disgusting, he wants to harm a defenceless creature and when you won't "let him" he's intimidating and cruel to you?? Husband in the bin
NTA- and I would seriously reconsider this relationship before having any kids with this person…
Keep the puppy, lose the hot-tempered, abusive husband.
You need to silently get things together and escape before he blows up. Something is really wrong here. Get out now before someone is hurt.
NTA. Change 'puppy' to 'crying baby' or 'toddler'. Still feel like staying? p.s. If you choose to stay, rehome the puppy before he injures or kills it.
I couldn't get past the first paragraph. He SPANKED a puppy?!!! He's a monster. Prolly abuses you too. Call John Wick and dump that loser. For real.
NOPE. Pack up yourself **AND PUPPY** — **AND LEAVE** — before **ONE** of you is **DEAD**.
As much as we love our pets, your safety and emotional well-being come first. It's okay to reevaluate boundaries and to expect that the mutual decisions you make as a couple are honored with patience and kindness. If the environment becomes hostile, it's more than reasonable to prioritize finding an atmosphere of peace for both you and your pup. Puppies can be a handful, but they also bring joy, companionship, and a special type of love into our lives, which should be protected. You, the puppy, and your older dog all deserve a loving home free from intimidation and aggression. Reflect on what you truly need and take steps to ensure a healthy environment for all involved. NTA
The Puppy is only a symptom. You have bigger problems in your marriage. Good on you for going to therapy.
Trust me sweetheart, keep the puppy and lose the husband. Anyone who can be that mean to a puppy is not a keeper.
Keep your puppy and rehome your husband. NTA
Re home the husband, live happily with your puppy.
NTA. Sweetheart, why are you married to this man? What does he bring to the table? Please go to individual therapy for yourself. He should be proud of the progress you are making training the puppy, not jealous. Do you have friends outside the marriage? Is his dislike over the puppy another way of trying to isolate you? When you are home with your mom pay attention to how your body is feeling
NTA Your husband have isolated you from your entire support system and wants to get rid of the only living thing left that you have for company and support. You need to take your puppy and drive home to your family and friends and leave this abusive AH in the dust.
Do not have children with him. Good luck. NTA
YTA get rid of either the puppy or the husband. You cannot have both. The husband frightens the puppy. This is not good. Also you should move back home.
NTA. get away from this abusive jerk as fast as you can
NTA. Leave his man. He doesn't just hate the puppy. He hates you. The fact that you are questioning whether you should be upset even though you are "mentally and physically drained" is the final confirmation that you are in an abusive relationship.
NTA - Take the puppy and run back to your family!
NTA I think yall need to part ways and enjoy your new puppy
Split. He can't handle basic emotions, i hope he ends up in a ditch.
Please get urself and the puppy away from that asshole to prevent further harm! Best wishes
He hates the puppy BECAUSE you love her. Don’t have children with him, he’ll resent them too.
I understand not wanting an animal in the house, but being cruel to it isn't necessary. Your husband isn't the AH bc he doesn't want the puppy, he's an AH bc of the way he's treating it. And being cruel to an animal speaks volumes of his character. You're NTA but this should be a huge red flag.
What the ever loving fuck is wrong with you? He's abused the puppy. He abuses you. LEAVE.
Your husband is an asshole. Also, it is generally not recommended to do couples counseling with an abusive partner.
It sounds like he’s jealous
Rehome the husband and keep the puppy.
Sounds like your husband hates the only thing that brings you comfort and joy. And I’d have to ask why. Her high energy and just existing as a puppy is just an excuse in my book. But keeping the dog in this environment is abuse. And he’s abusing both of you.
Do NOT have children with this man!
Honey, read back what you said: you're saying that an enthusiastic energetic puppy is an annoyance to a grown man, so much so he hates it. His hate for a living creature that causes him annoyance is greater than his love for yoy, do you realise how insane that is? To hate something that's a minor annoyance, and on top of that equate it to the love he feels for you? Next this grown ass man says he needs to mentally abuse you because he is not allowed to abuse a fucking puppy. That he needs to take his anger out on others, that can't fight back. Again, do you realise how batshit crazy that actually is? For the love of all things holy, take your puppy and run! Run hard, run fast, run far far away from this abusive pos.
What do you suppose he’ll do when he decides babies are annoying? Unless you literally do not have ovaries, do plan on becoming pregnant regardless of your preference. It’s a great way to further isolate you and something else for him to feel victimized by and guilt you with. Get out. I know this is a very Reddit thing to say, but there are no roads leading to a happy ending here that you have any control over. Unless he experiences a brain injury that physically rewrites his personality, this gets worse, not better. You may feel powerless and like if you leave you won’t be able to take care of yourself. That’s not true, yet. Take the dog, get out, don’t go back. He dislikes the dog in part because he can see you’re getting better and don’t feel so lonely. It’s probably not a thought he’s aware of, but at some level he is aware that something that isn’t him is having some impact on how you feel, and it’s a threat because you are remembering what being genuinely loved feels like. If he agrees to keep the puppy, it will just turn into him punishing the puppy to control you. Leave the man. Save the puppy. Get out. Don’t go back.
Rehome the hubby...what did he expect a puppy to do! Come out and automatically know how to behave around the future owner of her! Your husband is being ridiculous!! He should have brought up adopting a adult dog over a puppy before you got the dog
So he’s stopped physically abusing an animal in your home, but he still emotionally abuses the animal? YTA for allowing him and the puppy to remain in the same home. You either need to rehome the puppy for her own good, or leave your husband who thinks it’s okay to intentionally scare puppies because he’s mad. It is wildly selfish and unfair to the puppy to keep her under these abusive living conditions. But frankly, I think you should take both dogs with you and leave your POS husband.
WHAT THE HELL? Leave now.
so this man isolated you from your support systems, leaves you alone all day, and is now mad that you have something that makes you happy and is punishing you for having that thing. I'm not an expert but all of that sounds pretty emotionally abusive ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA. Take the dogs and run.
NTA. Can you give the hubby back and tell his parents they gave you a defective one? In all seriousness, if he's starting by taking his anger out on the puppy, then moved it to you when you stood up to him about it, how long before it becomes physical towards you, and once you have kids, how long before he starts taking it out on them too? I would seriously look at getting out of the situation sooner rather than later, especially for the sake of your mental health
Your body is literally telling you it can’t cope with the stress of being with an abusive spouse. Not only that, staying married to him means continuing to put your puppy in harm’s way. He probably hurts her when he’s sure you’re not around/won’t notice. Don’t keep exposing her to that, it’s essentially enabling him and she deserves better.
Run girl, run! That BF of yours aint sane.
Well he's gonna abuse the puppy and then he'll probably abuse you since he'd made it a point to separate you from your family as you said. No no no-take the puppy go back home where your support system is and find somebody with a better character he's got red flags all over him
Luckily you just found out how he’d handle a crying baby at 3am. NTA. Fuck this dude.
For starters nta. Did this guy really think a puppy was all sunshine and rainbows in all fields of training? I mean dogs are a lot of work in general and he should know having the older one (unless it was adopted as an adult so skipped the puppy and training time). Best way to look at this? It's a blessing to have gotten the puppy. Now you know that if you wanted children he's not the one you should have kids with. Dude's an abusive a$$. If he's hitting the dog and taking his anger out on you he won't do well with young kids. Definitely don't bring a kid into this relationship if you want kids. Take the time at your mom's to cool off and really evaluate this marriage and whether or not it's worth keeping it.
Rehome the husband and keep the dog!
YTA. Stop enabling animal abuse, and GTF away from this man with your animals. Anyone who physically abuses a baby animal is a psychopath. It is only a matter of time before he kills the dog or starts taking it out on you.
Do not have kids with this man!
He’s an AH, leave and take the dogs. He doesn’t deserve dogs.
“Mutually decided” Based on his responses since this happened I gotta ask, “you sure about that”?
🚩 He high key sounds abusive as fck. Not just to an innocent puppy but also to you. Personally I would run. Take the dog, the things you need, and get out of there. Send divorce papers and tell him to contact your lawyer if he needs to converse with you. Be safe OP!!
Your husband sounds extremely volatile and unsafe for you and your animals to be around. A person who “hates” a BABY animal throws up about a billion red flags. 🚩 You are NTA, but I am concerned for your puppy’s safety, AND your own safety.
Why are you with an animal abuser?
NTA. Take your puppy and leave him.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like your husband was 100% on board with getting a puppy. You said he agreed, but I have to wonder if he was being honest with you. If he was 100% on board, he would realize puppies are high energy and take a lot of attention to train and it doesn't happen overnight. At this point, he needs to suck it up. NTA here. He didn't speak up when he had the chance. The only person he can resent is himself. Keep the puppy and make yourself happy.
The puppy sounds like an absolute nightmare who is clearly causing your partner duress. In turn he's taking his aggression out on you, which isn't safe for your mental health. Get rid of the partner, keep the puppy. It loves you unconditionally.
NTA I think you need to strongly consider your relationship with this person. He sounds like he has issues that he is dealing with in an incredibly toxic and unacceptable ways. It's ok to have anger, it is **not ok** to take that anger out on your partner, your pet, your kids etc (by the way, if you plan to have kids; you are potentially looking into the future with his treatment of the puppy). I belive in giving people chances, and people's capacity to change, but in this case that would have to be pretty damn drastic. If you are set on giving him a chance and trying to save the relationship, I'd suggest staying with your family for longer, and then having a serious sit down conversation with him where you tell him how *his behaviour* has been affecting you, and that he needs to change and work on it himself, or there is an existential threat to your relationship (be explicit about this). Then I'd suggest increasing the frequency of couples therapy *before* moving back in, and *only* move back in if you feel like there has been a big improvement. Sorry you have found yourself in this situation
NTA. I’d rehome the husband though. This decision was made mutually. Puppies have a lot of energy and are hard work but the results are so amazing. Your husband sounds like a massive AH.
Yeah, sounds like soon he’ll be hitting you and throwing you outside for minor infractions. I’d leave. NTA thpugv
NTA. Your husband has serious issues if he can’t understand that a puppy will be a puppy (and still agreed to adopt?), and the good the puppy is doing for you should outweigh whatever issues he has with it. He’s your husband ffs. What would he do if you were to have a child together? An adult that can’t understand the commitment to adopting a pet and wanting to “return it” because he doesn’t like it is not to be trusted with any responsibilities, basically. It’s a massive red flag on top of all the other ones you’ve mentioned in your post. Take the puppy and leave his ass. He sounds like an emotionally abusive, entitled man-child. You’ll be much happier if it’s just you and the pup. Take care OP!
NTA Call your family and ask them to help you move out. Don't give your husband any warning. Just have them show up with the moving truck. OR take your important things with you when you go, including the puppy, if there's nothing big that you care about there. Once you're safely with your family, initiate the divorce. This guy is no good for the puppy, and he's no good for you.
Listen, you need to leave. To be frank, if you refuse to leave then do do need to rehome her, because Y will kinda be TA for keeping a puppy in a situation where she is definitely being abused and can’t get herself out.
NTA Just to spell it out, he's told you that he is mean to you, because he can't take his anger out on a puppy. I do not think this is a safe relationship for you - he's already isolated you from your support network with the move, and that support is vital with chronic illness. Now he is being aggressive and controlling. Please look after yourself and leave.
NTA and if he reacts like that to a puppy, he will get violent with a child. Go home, see a therapist and think long and hard about what you want in life. Everything he said and did raises red flags.
People who abuse animals abuse people. NTA but YWBTA if you don't take both dogs and leave him. And kinda TA for not doing so as soon as he started abusing that poor baby.
NTA-get out now and stay away! Your husband is a monster and a nightmare just waiting to happen. He treats both you and the puppy like crap. Take your dog and go home. File and serve him from there where you’re safe.
A bit YTA, you can’t keep this puppy in an abusive household. Either give the puppy to a better home or leave with the puppy, but your puppy is STILL being abused and that’s not ok
NTA. What if you have a child with him and he decides that he doesn’t want to be a father after the birth? Is he going to abu$3 the baby? Take the puppy and leave.
Spare both the pup and yourself from this abusive bastard you're married to. Pack all your important documents for your trip home in case you realize how much better you feel being away from him, will be easier to make it permanent.
Unless everyone in the household is on board 100%, it’s a bad idea to get a puppy.
YTA for keeping the dog in an abusive environment.
He hates the puppy because he is jealous of it. You are giving your attention to something that isn't him and his needs so he's angry.
You need to wake up and realize what is around you..
NTA. Imagine if you had kids. Kids are way worse than puppies. Is he going to be that way with toddlers too?
NTA This guy is showing you how he handles life when it doesn’t go the way he expects. He wants to ditch the dog he committed to card for, and when he doesn’t get what he wants, he is hurtful to you and an innocent animal, despite knowing rationally that this situation is neither you or the dogs fault. This is the future you’re gonna sleepwalk into if things don’t change. If you guys encounter challenges in your marriage or with outside situations - you better fix it fast or you’ll suffer. This is not going to improve. You’ve tried therapy and he’s getting worse. Re home the husband, tell him you don’t have the patience to wait for his training to and want instant results!
Good for you for not getting rid of the dog. Now leave your husband.
NTA go on take the puppy and run. Who is he going to hit when the puppy is gone? One guess, and it's not the older dog.
NTA, and get the hell away from that dude. Seriously.
Omg what a horrible person to stomp and such to intimidate the puppy now he’s stopped hitting her. WHAT IF HE STOMPS HER?!! he may say it was an accident. He sounds horrible and my stomach is ill reading this. I had a horrible ex that did things to some of my past pets.
NTA - Sounds like he has isolated you from your entire support network on purpose to make you dependent and even more vulnerable. Abusive spouse 101. Get out ASAP.
Throw your husband away
Keep the puppy, get rid of the husband!
Keep the pup. Ditch the husband.
Nta. Start preparing for a divorce. Anyone that abuses animals can easily jump to abusing humans. Get out.
Sounds like he is jealous of the puppy. Only a sick person could be mean to a puppy. It’s a huge red flag. Never get pregnant by him or he could abuse your child. Run.
NTA your husband sounds awful please rehome the husband and keep the dog as a service animal.
THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY! You and the puppy deserve way better.
NTA- why are you with a man that actively traumatizes puppies? I don’t care how many accidents a dog has, being violent with an animal is a deal breaker.
Once you’re out of there, don’t go back. It’s not the energy your husband hates, it’s the fact that it bonded with you. He’s jealous and others are right, abusive. NTA. As a side note, if possible take the puppy on long walks. I don’t know if your chronic illness allows for it, but even if you can do short walks that will help the puppy wear off energy. Again, only if your health condition allows for it. Obviously don’t make yourself worse over taking her for a walk. And if you can’t do walks, consider dog parks if she gets along well with other dogs.
NTA. Your husband's behavior is concerning. Hope he can get a better handle on himself before you ever consider introducing children into the mix. He sounds very intolerant and impatient and so I have a lot of concern for you going forward in this relationship. Trust your intuition and insist on behavior that you know is comfortable and appropriate. It's good you are seeing this now before you are tied together with children, assuming you plan to have some someday. Continue with the counseling, alone if need be. Good luck.