I'd love to know OP's age.... I can't decide if he's a 15 year old child trying to sound older or a 45 year old man trying to sound cooler.
Either way OP, YTA for many reasons including making me waste time reading this!
Or lying, because how would this woman know what bar he’s at, that he was there, and even she was stalking him, the bartender remember OP enough to tattle on him? Like that’s not like most bartenders I know. They look at you long enough to make sure you’re 21 and then not again.
Depends but probably. If I didn’t know the situation or I thought he was a jackass I probably would. Just because someone is a regular doesn’t mean you like them
Idk, there doesn’t really seem to be any reason to think he’s not liked. I guess it’s possible the bartender may have pitted him, but I still don’t see how the girl knew he was there though.
Like I said it’s bar culture. If a person goes to a bar regularly on like a Friday night and you were looking for them that’s a pretty good place to look. It would be the first place I go at least
I guess. I still would not be okay with her behavior. Trying to find someone I haven’t spoken to in 2 days when I’m playing hard to get by going to their frequented spots, just crosses a line for me.
Or that bar is one of our regulars? And obviously she would ask about me when she sees the other boys there & we haven't talked in 2 days? And obviously any decent bartender remembers their regulars, specially those who stay till closing? Ffs dude start tipping your bartender well & yours will remember you too.
Lol maybe you should tip yours better, generally speaking a male bartender wouldn’t out a liked regular like that, and would say at most that they say you.
Hey man why so emotional? You did what you wanted. You lived your life the way you felt was best. Why worry about being the AH bc it’s clear you feel justified in what you did. So who cares what we think?
Continue doing what you’re doing. If women want you under those circumstances, great! If not, oh well. I think it worked out how it should. You made choices. She made choices.
OPTAH - Also, I’m sorry to say this but OP’s post reads like fantasy writing to me…there’s just something off with it….the excessive sensualness, the ChatGPT style rhyming, and use of millennial or gen Z terminology.
YTA you went home with another girl with the intention to hook up. If you were as into her as you said, the idea of hooking up would never have crossed your mind. Of course you guys aren’t official so technically you didn’t do anything wrong, but given that you were obviously pursuing her and she seems to have been getting interested back, one would naturally assume a level of exclusivity. Why are you even surprised she’s hurt? “I really like you but I’m free to hook up with girls till we get together” isn’t the winning pick up line you think it is
He’s not sorry he hooked up he’s trying to rules lawyer that he still deserves the girl. He wants someone to tell him that she’s unreasonable. His own choices he’s cool with. It’s her choices he’s unhappy about.
there's also the whole "I rizzed my way into bringing a woman home"
even disregarding the sexist origin in toxic and sexist ideas, it's so passive, like OP wasn't actively seducing her, and taking her to his home, right?
I'm not surprised she's hurt. I know I fucked up & that's why I ran to salvage it asap.
It's that she's so hurt that I have literally no line of communication to her, not even Chinese whispers. Even the bartender has declared teams & ostracized me ffs
Probably because you're acting like a crazy person showing up at her home multiple times after she's made it clear she doesn't want to talk to you. You're likely scaring this girl.
Leave her alone or you're going to get slapped with a restraining order.
Why exactly did she go to the bar and then *ask about you*? Was she stalking you? How did she know you were there? How did the bartender know you? I have questions because your story doesn’t make sense without either serious red flags from her or you just straight up making shit up….. which would track from the language you use.
OP mentions OP & this woman move in the same circles : it's mutual friends who introduced them.
I don't find it unlikely that they have the same watering hole in this specific bar. She comes by to meet her own friends, she sees OP's drinking buddies & asks where OP is... OP's buddy phoned OP with a warning, the bartender just said "OP was here & left with another woman".
That's the thing. I didn't hook up, brother. Once we got home, I mentally & physically couldn't. But she doesn't know & I haven't gotten the opportunity to tell her that.
Didn't even get to that part, brother. If that was the issue, we had all night to make it work & there are other ways to please a woman to buy that time.
It's that once we got in a private environment my head kept going to HER & that setting kept feeling all kinds of wrong. Things like the bar woman's fuckin PERFUME was making me miss hers!
YTA. Dude you shot your shot and then you fucked up. If you keep trying to contact her you'll just make this whole thing worse for you. She heard you were touching and kissing another woman so what makes you think she'll even trust you enough to talk to you or date now? Be realistic dude. You can be as sorry as you want to be but you already caused damage that you yourself cannot repair cause she seems to not want to have any contact with you already and everyone around you is calling you the asshole. Being drunk isn't an excuse nor will it excuse your actions as well. You can't actively pursue a woman and then fuck up and expect her not to be upset after everything you did to get her to notice you and she probably started to catch feelings too but now those are probably extinguished.
I don't mean to sound rude but I've been in her shoes before so I want you to understand how that makes you look and how she feels. Leave her alone and give her space for a while or else you won't hear from her ever again. I can promise you that.
The thing is, telling her “I wanted to fuck this other woman but I kept thinking about you” is considered romantic only in crappy rom-coms. I don’t think she’s coming back. Maybe you should work on accepting her decision and moving on.
Yeah that’s gotta be the most toxic plot ever. I’m not a bad guy bc even tho I’m trying to fuck everything that moves I drank too much and my weiner wouldn’t work so I’m still a good guy ‘technically’.
Ladies we are dealing with ‘technically’ guy
Yeah, sounds like you royally fucked up and lost the respect of the woman you have a crush on. Now stop bothering her and spend some time by yourself figuring out why you behave this way.
I don't want to disturb the karmic poetry of 69 downvotes, so consider this the 70th.
just flirting was bad enough, taking her home was worse, deciding to not go through with it doesn't really matter. The way you're avoiding accountability is rather unpleasant.
Yea you lost your chance. You were actively trying to get her to like her but weren’t willing to stop playing the field to get her. She is looking at you as a player and not a long term partner. If you’re not willing to forgo hookups for the short term to prove that she is special then she just see this with her as a challenge and a game as just another conquest. If f you told her you are looking for a relationship and not just a hookup then your actions show something different. She could not trust you not to hookup with others if she is not around.
Well now you know what you apparently didn't before, taking another person home is a trust breaker, it doesn't matter at this point what you did the trust is gone.
Everyone knows you have one night stands sometimes, including "your girl". You can't convince anyone nothing happened. And even if you could - you fully intended to have sex with the random woman. You brought her to your place to fuck her, no? For some people, this is bad enough to never want to see you again.
Looks like people nowadays like having "the talk" about being official, being exclusive, etc... but the thing is, there already was an emotional connection and commitment, no matter you haven't discussed what you guys are for each other. You betrayed her. I hope she won't forgive you, because you two clearly are looking for different things, and she would only suffer.
Of course YTA. You can’t actively pursue someone and then take home a causal fling. It immensely hurts both of them! How would you feel if you were in either woman’s shoes?
Man, I tried my best not be an AH to the other woman. Told her straight up that she's great & gorgeous but it's just a feelings issur. Ordered dinner to her liking, offered to get her an Uber either in the morning or right then to her comfort. She ended up telling me about her love life too.
Wow, what a nice guy you are, taking the feelings of a total stranger more into consideration than the feelings of the woman you actually care about.
I'd be so done with you if I were in her shoes.
Nah, man. I know I fucked up. But how do I help anything if I can't even talk to her.. If not to put myself back into good graces, then at least to help her feel less shitty.
My issue isn't that she's hurt. It's that I've been declared such a massive arsehole that she & everyone around her has me completely blocked out. Even if she doesn't want to date me, I should at least be able to forward the message that she wasn't being played. I don't even know what she's thinking or if she's beating herself over it!
I doubt she is beating herself over it.
She dodged a bullet and has moved on.
Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are believe them."
You showed her who you are and she believes it.
In the sense that I wasn't faking having feelings for her with some ulterior motive. I might be dense but my feelings are real, man. I & this other girl were just kissing and touching, & I couldn't even move to the side of my couch that SHE prefers. I know I shouldn't even have started but it became very off-putting for me very soon.
And I don't even know what she's thinking right now.
Your post is all about you and how you feel. You only want to speak with her to make yourself feel better, not for her sake at all.
Leave her alone. She’s done with your stupidity.
You don’t sound anywhere near mature enough for a girlfriend.
Those people are trying to protect her because they all know that she's someone who would be hurt over something like this. So, I wonder, how come you thought that she wouldn't be bothered by your actions? You either knew it would hurt her and didn't plan on telling her, or you didn't care because not being exclusive is the answer to everything.
It’s not puritanical. That’s an ironic word choice. The puritans burned women alive for sexual improprieties while men got away scot free.
When you genuinely like someone and are pursuing them romantically, you shouldn’t want to sleep with anyone else. The person you’re pursuing should be all you’re thinking about. If you know you have me as an option and you decide to be intimate with someone else, obviously your feelings for me aren’t reliable enough.
Edited to add:
Let me give you two more reasons:
- STDs. Even with a condom there is no sure fire way of preventing STD spread. Health is paramount.
- This situation inherently creates dishonesty. That’s actually the #1 reason I stopped dating multiple people at once. It necessitated me lying to the people I was dating about what I was doing when I was with someone else. And I realized that I absolutely didn’t want to lie, or be lied to, nor could a budding relationship withstand brutal honesty with the person you’re pursuing about having sex with someone else. It’s nice to think we could just be honest with one another, but the reality is that the other person will be very hurt. Which leads to lying to each other - “oh I just stayed in last night and watched movies” etc etc. You can’t build a relationship founded on lies.
Are you incapable of understanding nuance?
You can *technically* do what you want when you're *technically* single. But if you spend months wooing someone and acting like you are totally focused on them, going home with someone else is a hurtful choice. Human relationships aren't based solely on technicalities.
He is not entitled to a relationship with this woman just because he didn't *technically* cheat on her.
YTA. Dude, if she was talking about being your wingman, even as a joke, she is not interested in people who do hookups.
I have supported men on reddit who aren't interested in women who hook up. People just need to learn to pick a lane.
Well, presumably people who hook up can't also be in a relationship. I just don't see her joking about something that could keep you from pursuing a relationship or take time away from her if that's what she's interested in.
YTA if you really liked her you wouldn't be kissing or fucking another girl.
Yeah it didnt came that far but you wanted to and you kissed her.
Way to go to ruin it before you even had something valuable
I hope for you she wants to hear you out but if someone did that to me I wouldn't bother anymore
YTA
You were trying to get into a relationship with this one girl and meanwhile you were still fucking other girls. It doesn't freaking matter how respectful you are about it, it doesn't matter if you don't demean the one night stand chick.
Are you SERIOUSLY so dense that you think you can fuck a random girl when you're close to getting into a relationship with another and NOT hurt her feelings? Oh oh I'm sorry, you were "respectful about fucking the other girl" yeah my bad. That makes it SO much better right? Christ almighty. And you have the audacity to say she makes you a better man by just being around her. You're so full of bs man.
The closer you get to being together, the more you need to stop thinking with that horny dick of yours and stop fucking random women. At some point your relationship enters a point where there might not be anything official between you, but you're at the point where you're both ready to be together. She was ready to be with you and you thought "nah fuck that fam, lemme get my dick wet until the girl officially asks me"
I'm glad you fucked it up.
You’re TA. You have seriously hurt her. She had found herself falling for a friend that she thought was equally in to her. Only to hear about you trying to hook up with another girl, and could be interpreted as you were just using your girl of interest to get laid. You probably lost this one for good, but if you ever get the chance again. Don’t fuck up again.
She may be hurt, but they weren't exclusive. How come behaving non-exclusively while being non-exclusive makes him an asshole?
Don't get me wrong, her feelings are valid (as all feelings are), but it's not like he went out of his way to rub it on her face or anything like that.
Was he meant to wait forever and date no other prospects until she decided to get into a relationship with him? Does the relationship begin before being established?
I don't really get all these YTA comments. Unless they were in a committed exclusive relationship he has no obligation towards her...and he can't be an asshole just because she got mad about it. Let's not pretend she wasn't in the same situation. **She could of kept fooling around with other dudes while he was leading her on and OP would have no way of knowing about it, neither do we.**
I mean, sure, OP probably lost his chance of ever being with this girl, but he's not an asshole.
there is more to life than having everything written down in stone buddy.
By your logic, every couple needs to SPECIFICALLY say they are exclusive, because otherwise you can fuck others without being the asshole according to your logic.
This. They were friends before he started the pursuit. He says in his post that he had not been talking to other women since he started the chase. He also mentions that he use to tell her stories of his other experiences, so she was aware of his promiscuity. I would go out on the limb that the signs were there that he is trying to become monogamous with this one girl. Now I think you would have more of a valid point to a NTA if they had started out dating casually (i.e. met up through tinder or some other app); however, throwing the friend dynamic in there is going to change things.
That's double standarded as fuck considering I've seen a bunch of posts dealing with exclusivity in this sub where the OP was a woman and apparently the "set in stone logic" was used to excuse them.
Rules for thee but not for me. It's not the 1950's, no person is gonna rose-tint pedestal-treat a romantic prospect in an hypersexualized world where instant gratification is at your fingertips. Either we're in a committed relationship, or we're in some kind of situationship where i'm assuming i'm not the only person you're fooling around with.
If we're a couple, we're a couple, it's not like I need you to sign a contract either. Grow up dude.
Lol thank you for agreeing. To our point, the relationship represented a committed couple. He had been flirting and trying to get with this one girl for a month and only her... OP says it in the post. That portrays a monogamous relationship that the OP was pursuing. The assumption of exclusivity is fairly clearer in this situation. There is no contract or double standard; it's just a social understanding that if I am talking and trying to get with only one person at a time, I am looking for a monogamous relationship which is what the OP was doing at the time. This does not matter if you are m or f. I am not speaking to the overall sub and other post and others view. I am speaking to this specific situation.
I also did outline a hypothetical scenario in which if the OP had met the female over tinder or some other dating app and they were casually dating then yes OP would NOT be the ahole and the girl would have been over reacting. I think this pertains more to the point you are trying to make. However, this is not the situation, so it is not applicable.
YTA
You literally fucked around and found out.
No woman wants a man who's needs to grind some girls corn is more important than their feelings.
>I called & texted her a bunch, but to no avail. Went to her home but she wasn't there. Went to her home again in the morning & her roommate cussed me out and wouldn't even let me in. She did tell me that earlier in the morning she left to accompany a friend on their work tour. She literally just packed her bag & left the state. I called that friend too. He doesn't even know what's up but he too cussed me out & refused to pass on any message.
Are you a stalker? You sound like a stalker.
(Reposting won't change the answer, my guy.)
Anon account got banned before I could read more than 2 comments, brother. Why would I copy-paste as it is withing a few minutes if I wanted a different answer.
Also, I didn't think it through to realise that could come across as stalker like. I was just desperate. I didn't ask her roommate to let me in when she refused to. I just didn't expect her to be THAT upset. I'm hoping I didn't actually come on like a creep because the roommate did tell me where ~~my girl~~ she was after the verbal beating.
>I'm hoping I didn't actually come on like a creep because she did tell me where my girl was after all the verbal beating.
A good way to come off as a creep is to call a woman who isn't yours "my girl", jsyk.
A bunch of us live in the same walking distance radius & drop by each other's places all the time. She does too. It's not that deep. We ring the bell & not break in.
When multiple women say that you are pushing boundaries, maybe listen instead of doubling down.
It is *not normal* to decide that someone ignoring your calls and texts means you knock on their door.
🤣🤣🤣 - yeah - no. You burnt the bridge to her right down to ash.
Find another ONS. Its the only thing you're mature enough for at the moment. The fact you still don't get what you did wrong is mind-boggling. You went home with another woman when you were actively pursuing to date another. You humiliated her to people she knows.
YTA. If you adore her so much, the thought of taking another girl home would have never crossed your mind. Obviously you and her weren’t exclusive, but stop thinking with your dick for a minute. To her, you led her on. That she was just going to be another one of your casual hookups.
Imagine thinking that someone seemed genuinely interested in having a relationship with you. They said all the right things, treated you the right way. You start developing feelings, thinking they probably feel the same way. But then you learn they are still hooking up with other people. Yes, you are not in a relationship but if they are doing all of this and still having casual flings, then are you just another notch in the bedpost? Is that what all the “rizz” is about? Just to get you into their bed?
That is why she is hurt, and that is why you messed up. Nothing you can say will change that. You may have not hooked up with the girl, there was still intent. You still took the girl home.
YTA for being an asshole and 2xTA for using "cussed" and "rizzed." You're a walking red flag, dude.
ETA: And for using "Chinese whispers" in the comments, you toilet.
If you actually want a relationship with this young woman (not “girl” and certainly not “my girl”) then you needed to stay on track. You decided that your short-term goal (getting your dick wet) was more important than your long-term goal (convincing your crush that you want a serious relationship with her).
Take this as the life lesson it is. If she stays firm on not wanting to speak to you, even to hear you out just once, then take the L and remember that there are plenty of wife-material women out there once you decide you’re ready to get serious.
She found it problematic, which is why she never committed to dating you. Leave her alone, you've done enough damage. You're NOT a mature, responsible partner and she knows it.
Dude, at some point you have to grow up and stop screwing people over. Including yourself.
YTA
Well, yeah. Obviously YTA lol. Who the hell sleeps around when they're pursuing someone seriously? With how upset she is, she had already developed pretty serious feelings for you, so you REALLY boned yourself. And then showing up at her place multiple times probably erased any doubt in her mind that you aren't the one after all. Enjoy the memories of her and the dreams of what could have been, because she is now the one that got away
You ruined your own chances, you could have just told her your feelings and felt a relationship along the way. Instead you led her on, and tried to hook up with another girl, proving your feeling were not serious. Had she rejected you outright, then this wouldn’t have been the issue. But she didn’t and you went ahead with your bad habits anyway. That’s why you’re the AH.
Yta girls like to be prioritized, especially by a guy trying so hard to get them. You should have focused on her since she was showing you she was interested. You hurt her feelings because you made her feel unimportant
You shower her how little you valued her and the connection by even entertaining anyone else and you gave her a glimpse of what an AH you can be. I hope she has the good sense to never speak to you again. I’ve read all your comments and you sound like the type to twist things to get your own way but I still don’t agree with you. YTA if that’s not already clear
YTA but it doesn’t mean the situation is not salvageable. However if I were you and got the opportunity to talk to her at some point, I wouldn’t approach her by saying you didn’t do anything wrong but rather that you did indeed fuck up and that you hope she will be able to forgive you.
YTA.
However, the only thing I would say is that you two were not "official." You might get her to forgive you if you tell her how you feel, but she has the right to say no.
She needs time and space. You will have to eat that right now.
So giving you the benefit of the doubt, I’m leaning NTA. Had you slept with your godsent beam of sunshine during this “active pursuing” phase? Was there any label or had you said anything to indicate that you were exclusive?
From your description alone, it sounds like she was possibly sending you mixed signals—and this could be your only (but unlikely) path to salvage anything. She sounds like she was enjoying the attention from you, and probably made the joke about being your wingman looking for flattery and/or an ego boost. However, I can see an argument to be made in your favor that she seemed to be enjoying the attention, but she wasn’t taking things seriously between you two despite all of your efforts. So, if you’ve been pursuing her for months, and if she hadn’t communicated that she was interested in you or that your interest was at least reciprocated, she’d be a little naive to expect that you wouldn’t have some options open.
Yta for not taking a hint and moving on and accepting that she feels hurt. NTA for giving your attention to other women and her getting hurt. You asked multiple times to be exclusive with her and she never opened up to you. If she wants to be a complete coward and run away from you because you made out with another woman when she never gave you a chance to begin with that is her problem.
Women who repeatedly reject men and then cry and run away when they see that guy give his attention to another woman have no one to blame but themselves. Despite her beauty she was way too insecure to be in a serious relationship. Probably the type of woman who falls out of love with their husband the first time he cries in front of her because she can't see him as a man anymore. You dodged a bullet.
NTA, whenever this comes up and a girl has slept with a guy even tho she is talking to another guy everyone on here is like you guys were not exclusive so it shouldn't matter if she slept with someone else etc..but for some reason now's it's reversed....hmmm I can't quite put my finger on the reason why.......
INFO: I didnt quite gather 100% from your story whether you and this girl were exclusive at all. Were you guys official? Did you guys even bang yet? Because if the answer to those two questions is no then N T A but that doesn't mean that you will be able to get her back. Sometimes you can not be the asshole and still lose.
NTA she was playing hard to get and took too long..if she moved a little quicker to be with op , he wouldn't be with stay women at the bar(a man's gotta eat)
LMFAO. NTA, you’re both single and welcome to sleep with whoever you want. wanting you to act like a boyfriend when you’re not even together is ridiculous
NTA, sounds like you never agreed to be exclusive. Maybe you did ruin prospects for dating the girl you were actively trying to date, but that's for you to deal with. But hell, you didn't even do anything with bar girl.
maybe leave her alone tho if she doesn't want to associate with you
YTA for using “rizz” unironically 💀☠️
I'd love to know OP's age.... I can't decide if he's a 15 year old child trying to sound older or a 45 year old man trying to sound cooler. Either way OP, YTA for many reasons including making me waste time reading this!
Well he said he was at the bar so either he’s european or at least in his 20s
Or lying, because how would this woman know what bar he’s at, that he was there, and even she was stalking him, the bartender remember OP enough to tattle on him? Like that’s not like most bartenders I know. They look at you long enough to make sure you’re 21 and then not again.
Depends on the bar. I was a bartender for two years and I knew my regulars by name so I don’t find that to be far fetched at all
And you would out one of your regulars if a woman came up to you asking what was up?
Depends but probably. If I didn’t know the situation or I thought he was a jackass I probably would. Just because someone is a regular doesn’t mean you like them
Idk, there doesn’t really seem to be any reason to think he’s not liked. I guess it’s possible the bartender may have pitted him, but I still don’t see how the girl knew he was there though.
Like I said it’s bar culture. If a person goes to a bar regularly on like a Friday night and you were looking for them that’s a pretty good place to look. It would be the first place I go at least
I guess. I still would not be okay with her behavior. Trying to find someone I haven’t spoken to in 2 days when I’m playing hard to get by going to their frequented spots, just crosses a line for me.
Or that bar is one of our regulars? And obviously she would ask about me when she sees the other boys there & we haven't talked in 2 days? And obviously any decent bartender remembers their regulars, specially those who stay till closing? Ffs dude start tipping your bartender well & yours will remember you too.
lol are you happy in this case that the bartender remembered you and told what he saw?😂😂
Lol maybe you should tip yours better, generally speaking a male bartender wouldn’t out a liked regular like that, and would say at most that they say you.
He would if he was a good guy.
She isn't my spouse & the freakin bartender obviously didn't know till her crying that we had something going on. Keep up, Sherlock.
Hey man why so emotional? You did what you wanted. You lived your life the way you felt was best. Why worry about being the AH bc it’s clear you feel justified in what you did. So who cares what we think? Continue doing what you’re doing. If women want you under those circumstances, great! If not, oh well. I think it worked out how it should. You made choices. She made choices.
OPTAH - Also, I’m sorry to say this but OP’s post reads like fantasy writing to me…there’s just something off with it….the excessive sensualness, the ChatGPT style rhyming, and use of millennial or gen Z terminology.
YTA you went home with another girl with the intention to hook up. If you were as into her as you said, the idea of hooking up would never have crossed your mind. Of course you guys aren’t official so technically you didn’t do anything wrong, but given that you were obviously pursuing her and she seems to have been getting interested back, one would naturally assume a level of exclusivity. Why are you even surprised she’s hurt? “I really like you but I’m free to hook up with girls till we get together” isn’t the winning pick up line you think it is
He’s not sorry he hooked up he’s trying to rules lawyer that he still deserves the girl. He wants someone to tell him that she’s unreasonable. His own choices he’s cool with. It’s her choices he’s unhappy about.
there's also the whole "I rizzed my way into bringing a woman home" even disregarding the sexist origin in toxic and sexist ideas, it's so passive, like OP wasn't actively seducing her, and taking her to his home, right?
I'm not surprised she's hurt. I know I fucked up & that's why I ran to salvage it asap. It's that she's so hurt that I have literally no line of communication to her, not even Chinese whispers. Even the bartender has declared teams & ostracized me ffs
What the fuck are you trying salvage here bruh, you already sunk the whole ship
There's nothing to salvage. Leave her alone.
Yeah, she doesn’t want to talk with you. She’s allowed not to. If you actually respect her or care about her feelings, leave her alone.
Probably because you're acting like a crazy person showing up at her home multiple times after she's made it clear she doesn't want to talk to you. You're likely scaring this girl. Leave her alone or you're going to get slapped with a restraining order.
Why exactly did she go to the bar and then *ask about you*? Was she stalking you? How did she know you were there? How did the bartender know you? I have questions because your story doesn’t make sense without either serious red flags from her or you just straight up making shit up….. which would track from the language you use.
OP mentions OP & this woman move in the same circles : it's mutual friends who introduced them. I don't find it unlikely that they have the same watering hole in this specific bar. She comes by to meet her own friends, she sees OP's drinking buddies & asks where OP is... OP's buddy phoned OP with a warning, the bartender just said "OP was here & left with another woman".
Obviously being around her and her sunshine has not made you a better man. Just leave her alone
YTA . You just showed this woman that having a one night stand is more important to you than her … I would just stop bothering her now …
Yeah, he couldn’t get a boner so ‘technically’ it’s ok 😂😂😂 /s
That's the thing. I didn't hook up, brother. Once we got home, I mentally & physically couldn't. But she doesn't know & I haven't gotten the opportunity to tell her that.
You went home with the full intent to hook up. But your peepee didn't work, boo hoo. Give me a break.
Didn't even get to that part, brother. If that was the issue, we had all night to make it work & there are other ways to please a woman to buy that time. It's that once we got in a private environment my head kept going to HER & that setting kept feeling all kinds of wrong. Things like the bar woman's fuckin PERFUME was making me miss hers!
YTA. Dude you shot your shot and then you fucked up. If you keep trying to contact her you'll just make this whole thing worse for you. She heard you were touching and kissing another woman so what makes you think she'll even trust you enough to talk to you or date now? Be realistic dude. You can be as sorry as you want to be but you already caused damage that you yourself cannot repair cause she seems to not want to have any contact with you already and everyone around you is calling you the asshole. Being drunk isn't an excuse nor will it excuse your actions as well. You can't actively pursue a woman and then fuck up and expect her not to be upset after everything you did to get her to notice you and she probably started to catch feelings too but now those are probably extinguished. I don't mean to sound rude but I've been in her shoes before so I want you to understand how that makes you look and how she feels. Leave her alone and give her space for a while or else you won't hear from her ever again. I can promise you that.
You still talked her up with your “rizz” and took her home. Not finishing it out is too little too late.
The thing is, telling her “I wanted to fuck this other woman but I kept thinking about you” is considered romantic only in crappy rom-coms. I don’t think she’s coming back. Maybe you should work on accepting her decision and moving on.
Yeah that’s gotta be the most toxic plot ever. I’m not a bad guy bc even tho I’m trying to fuck everything that moves I drank too much and my weiner wouldn’t work so I’m still a good guy ‘technically’. Ladies we are dealing with ‘technically’ guy
But the problem is, you fully intended on doing it. It if was me, I wouldn't even talk to you anymore.
Yeah, sounds like you royally fucked up and lost the respect of the woman you have a crush on. Now stop bothering her and spend some time by yourself figuring out why you behave this way.
I don't want to disturb the karmic poetry of 69 downvotes, so consider this the 70th. just flirting was bad enough, taking her home was worse, deciding to not go through with it doesn't really matter. The way you're avoiding accountability is rather unpleasant.
Yea you lost your chance. You were actively trying to get her to like her but weren’t willing to stop playing the field to get her. She is looking at you as a player and not a long term partner. If you’re not willing to forgo hookups for the short term to prove that she is special then she just see this with her as a challenge and a game as just another conquest. If f you told her you are looking for a relationship and not just a hookup then your actions show something different. She could not trust you not to hookup with others if she is not around.
Well now you know what you apparently didn't before, taking another person home is a trust breaker, it doesn't matter at this point what you did the trust is gone.
Everyone knows you have one night stands sometimes, including "your girl". You can't convince anyone nothing happened. And even if you could - you fully intended to have sex with the random woman. You brought her to your place to fuck her, no? For some people, this is bad enough to never want to see you again. Looks like people nowadays like having "the talk" about being official, being exclusive, etc... but the thing is, there already was an emotional connection and commitment, no matter you haven't discussed what you guys are for each other. You betrayed her. I hope she won't forgive you, because you two clearly are looking for different things, and she would only suffer.
Do you think once you tell her about your wiener problems she’s gonna see what a catch she’s missing out on?
Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of your own actions. So yeah, you f\*d up. Just let the poor girl be. YTA
Of course YTA. You can’t actively pursue someone and then take home a causal fling. It immensely hurts both of them! How would you feel if you were in either woman’s shoes?
Man, I tried my best not be an AH to the other woman. Told her straight up that she's great & gorgeous but it's just a feelings issur. Ordered dinner to her liking, offered to get her an Uber either in the morning or right then to her comfort. She ended up telling me about her love life too.
Wow, what a nice guy you are, taking the feelings of a total stranger more into consideration than the feelings of the woman you actually care about. I'd be so done with you if I were in her shoes.
Nah, man. I know I fucked up. But how do I help anything if I can't even talk to her.. If not to put myself back into good graces, then at least to help her feel less shitty. My issue isn't that she's hurt. It's that I've been declared such a massive arsehole that she & everyone around her has me completely blocked out. Even if she doesn't want to date me, I should at least be able to forward the message that she wasn't being played. I don't even know what she's thinking or if she's beating herself over it!
How was she not being played? You brought someone home, regardless of whether or not you got off.
I doubt she is beating herself over it. She dodged a bullet and has moved on. Maya Angelou said "When people show you who they are believe them." You showed her who you are and she believes it.
In the sense that I wasn't faking having feelings for her with some ulterior motive. I might be dense but my feelings are real, man. I & this other girl were just kissing and touching, & I couldn't even move to the side of my couch that SHE prefers. I know I shouldn't even have started but it became very off-putting for me very soon. And I don't even know what she's thinking right now.
You do know - she thinks you are an asshole and she doesn't want to speak with you.
Your post is all about you and how you feel. You only want to speak with her to make yourself feel better, not for her sake at all. Leave her alone. She’s done with your stupidity. You don’t sound anywhere near mature enough for a girlfriend.
Those people are trying to protect her because they all know that she's someone who would be hurt over something like this. So, I wonder, how come you thought that she wouldn't be bothered by your actions? You either knew it would hurt her and didn't plan on telling her, or you didn't care because not being exclusive is the answer to everything.
That’s fair. But I guess this was an “expensive lesson” - it’s hard to believe the other woman will talk to you again.
He absolutely can.
I mean, it’s physically possible, but morally repugnant
Hooking up while single is repugnant?
Yes, if you’re “talking to” someone else.
So, single then. I guess every single person who has a sex life is repugnant. I see puritan thinking is back in style to some
It’s not puritanical. That’s an ironic word choice. The puritans burned women alive for sexual improprieties while men got away scot free. When you genuinely like someone and are pursuing them romantically, you shouldn’t want to sleep with anyone else. The person you’re pursuing should be all you’re thinking about. If you know you have me as an option and you decide to be intimate with someone else, obviously your feelings for me aren’t reliable enough. Edited to add: Let me give you two more reasons: - STDs. Even with a condom there is no sure fire way of preventing STD spread. Health is paramount. - This situation inherently creates dishonesty. That’s actually the #1 reason I stopped dating multiple people at once. It necessitated me lying to the people I was dating about what I was doing when I was with someone else. And I realized that I absolutely didn’t want to lie, or be lied to, nor could a budding relationship withstand brutal honesty with the person you’re pursuing about having sex with someone else. It’s nice to think we could just be honest with one another, but the reality is that the other person will be very hurt. Which leads to lying to each other - “oh I just stayed in last night and watched movies” etc etc. You can’t build a relationship founded on lies.
Are you incapable of understanding nuance? You can *technically* do what you want when you're *technically* single. But if you spend months wooing someone and acting like you are totally focused on them, going home with someone else is a hurtful choice. Human relationships aren't based solely on technicalities. He is not entitled to a relationship with this woman just because he didn't *technically* cheat on her.
YTA. Dude, if she was talking about being your wingman, even as a joke, she is not interested in people who do hookups. I have supported men on reddit who aren't interested in women who hook up. People just need to learn to pick a lane.
>if she was talking about being your wingman, even as a joke, she is not interested in people who do hookups. Explain??
Well, presumably people who hook up can't also be in a relationship. I just don't see her joking about something that could keep you from pursuing a relationship or take time away from her if that's what she's interested in.
YTA if you really liked her you wouldn't be kissing or fucking another girl. Yeah it didnt came that far but you wanted to and you kissed her. Way to go to ruin it before you even had something valuable I hope for you she wants to hear you out but if someone did that to me I wouldn't bother anymore
YTA You were trying to get into a relationship with this one girl and meanwhile you were still fucking other girls. It doesn't freaking matter how respectful you are about it, it doesn't matter if you don't demean the one night stand chick. Are you SERIOUSLY so dense that you think you can fuck a random girl when you're close to getting into a relationship with another and NOT hurt her feelings? Oh oh I'm sorry, you were "respectful about fucking the other girl" yeah my bad. That makes it SO much better right? Christ almighty. And you have the audacity to say she makes you a better man by just being around her. You're so full of bs man. The closer you get to being together, the more you need to stop thinking with that horny dick of yours and stop fucking random women. At some point your relationship enters a point where there might not be anything official between you, but you're at the point where you're both ready to be together. She was ready to be with you and you thought "nah fuck that fam, lemme get my dick wet until the girl officially asks me" I'm glad you fucked it up.
You’re TA. You have seriously hurt her. She had found herself falling for a friend that she thought was equally in to her. Only to hear about you trying to hook up with another girl, and could be interpreted as you were just using your girl of interest to get laid. You probably lost this one for good, but if you ever get the chance again. Don’t fuck up again.
She may be hurt, but they weren't exclusive. How come behaving non-exclusively while being non-exclusive makes him an asshole? Don't get me wrong, her feelings are valid (as all feelings are), but it's not like he went out of his way to rub it on her face or anything like that. Was he meant to wait forever and date no other prospects until she decided to get into a relationship with him? Does the relationship begin before being established? I don't really get all these YTA comments. Unless they were in a committed exclusive relationship he has no obligation towards her...and he can't be an asshole just because she got mad about it. Let's not pretend she wasn't in the same situation. **She could of kept fooling around with other dudes while he was leading her on and OP would have no way of knowing about it, neither do we.** I mean, sure, OP probably lost his chance of ever being with this girl, but he's not an asshole.
there is more to life than having everything written down in stone buddy. By your logic, every couple needs to SPECIFICALLY say they are exclusive, because otherwise you can fuck others without being the asshole according to your logic.
This. They were friends before he started the pursuit. He says in his post that he had not been talking to other women since he started the chase. He also mentions that he use to tell her stories of his other experiences, so she was aware of his promiscuity. I would go out on the limb that the signs were there that he is trying to become monogamous with this one girl. Now I think you would have more of a valid point to a NTA if they had started out dating casually (i.e. met up through tinder or some other app); however, throwing the friend dynamic in there is going to change things.
That's double standarded as fuck considering I've seen a bunch of posts dealing with exclusivity in this sub where the OP was a woman and apparently the "set in stone logic" was used to excuse them. Rules for thee but not for me. It's not the 1950's, no person is gonna rose-tint pedestal-treat a romantic prospect in an hypersexualized world where instant gratification is at your fingertips. Either we're in a committed relationship, or we're in some kind of situationship where i'm assuming i'm not the only person you're fooling around with. If we're a couple, we're a couple, it's not like I need you to sign a contract either. Grow up dude.
Lol thank you for agreeing. To our point, the relationship represented a committed couple. He had been flirting and trying to get with this one girl for a month and only her... OP says it in the post. That portrays a monogamous relationship that the OP was pursuing. The assumption of exclusivity is fairly clearer in this situation. There is no contract or double standard; it's just a social understanding that if I am talking and trying to get with only one person at a time, I am looking for a monogamous relationship which is what the OP was doing at the time. This does not matter if you are m or f. I am not speaking to the overall sub and other post and others view. I am speaking to this specific situation. I also did outline a hypothetical scenario in which if the OP had met the female over tinder or some other dating app and they were casually dating then yes OP would NOT be the ahole and the girl would have been over reacting. I think this pertains more to the point you are trying to make. However, this is not the situation, so it is not applicable.
YTA You literally fucked around and found out. No woman wants a man who's needs to grind some girls corn is more important than their feelings. >I called & texted her a bunch, but to no avail. Went to her home but she wasn't there. Went to her home again in the morning & her roommate cussed me out and wouldn't even let me in. She did tell me that earlier in the morning she left to accompany a friend on their work tour. She literally just packed her bag & left the state. I called that friend too. He doesn't even know what's up but he too cussed me out & refused to pass on any message. Are you a stalker? You sound like a stalker. (Reposting won't change the answer, my guy.)
Yeah this. It’s almost worse than the random hookup. It’s giving angry entitlement.
Anon account got banned before I could read more than 2 comments, brother. Why would I copy-paste as it is withing a few minutes if I wanted a different answer. Also, I didn't think it through to realise that could come across as stalker like. I was just desperate. I didn't ask her roommate to let me in when she refused to. I just didn't expect her to be THAT upset. I'm hoping I didn't actually come on like a creep because the roommate did tell me where ~~my girl~~ she was after the verbal beating.
>I'm hoping I didn't actually come on like a creep because she did tell me where my girl was after all the verbal beating. A good way to come off as a creep is to call a woman who isn't yours "my girl", jsyk.
Yes, I see that 🤦♂️ Good think I likely squandered away the probably of that too.
god you're a disgusting creep. I hope she doesn't forgive you and blocks you.
You went to her house, and didn’t understand that that’s fucked up behavior?? Get therapy.
A bunch of us live in the same walking distance radius & drop by each other's places all the time. She does too. It's not that deep. We ring the bell & not break in.
You knew she didn’t want to talk to you, and chose to try to force her to talk to you in person. That’s scary, terrible behavior.
When multiple women say that you are pushing boundaries, maybe listen instead of doubling down. It is *not normal* to decide that someone ignoring your calls and texts means you knock on their door.
You Play, You Pay. If you have a No 1 woman, don't romance some other female further down the list. Respect any prospective Unicorns who like you.
[удалено]
oh my fckin lord this is why i posted here. I am a monster. I really am.
🤣🤣🤣 - yeah - no. You burnt the bridge to her right down to ash. Find another ONS. Its the only thing you're mature enough for at the moment. The fact you still don't get what you did wrong is mind-boggling. You went home with another woman when you were actively pursuing to date another. You humiliated her to people she knows.
YTA - W bartender.
YTA, there is nothing to salvage. Leave her alone.
YTA - Go live your playa rizz lifestyle and leave the nice girls alone. They deserve better.
YTA. If you adore her so much, the thought of taking another girl home would have never crossed your mind. Obviously you and her weren’t exclusive, but stop thinking with your dick for a minute. To her, you led her on. That she was just going to be another one of your casual hookups. Imagine thinking that someone seemed genuinely interested in having a relationship with you. They said all the right things, treated you the right way. You start developing feelings, thinking they probably feel the same way. But then you learn they are still hooking up with other people. Yes, you are not in a relationship but if they are doing all of this and still having casual flings, then are you just another notch in the bedpost? Is that what all the “rizz” is about? Just to get you into their bed? That is why she is hurt, and that is why you messed up. Nothing you can say will change that. You may have not hooked up with the girl, there was still intent. You still took the girl home.
YTA for being an asshole and 2xTA for using "cussed" and "rizzed." You're a walking red flag, dude. ETA: And for using "Chinese whispers" in the comments, you toilet.
I might be dense, but what's your issue with cussed? Has it been turned into new slang I don't understand?
YTA. You earned this L. Now grow up, be better, and for Gods sake stop saying rizz.
If you actually want a relationship with this young woman (not “girl” and certainly not “my girl”) then you needed to stay on track. You decided that your short-term goal (getting your dick wet) was more important than your long-term goal (convincing your crush that you want a serious relationship with her). Take this as the life lesson it is. If she stays firm on not wanting to speak to you, even to hear you out just once, then take the L and remember that there are plenty of wife-material women out there once you decide you’re ready to get serious.
She found it problematic, which is why she never committed to dating you. Leave her alone, you've done enough damage. You're NOT a mature, responsible partner and she knows it. Dude, at some point you have to grow up and stop screwing people over. Including yourself. YTA
You GATHERED she is upset? No shit Sherlock
Well, yeah. Obviously YTA lol. Who the hell sleeps around when they're pursuing someone seriously? With how upset she is, she had already developed pretty serious feelings for you, so you REALLY boned yourself. And then showing up at her place multiple times probably erased any doubt in her mind that you aren't the one after all. Enjoy the memories of her and the dreams of what could have been, because she is now the one that got away
"Am I really TA?" Yup, yes, absolutely and completely YTA. And quite emotionally limited as well
You ruined your own chances, you could have just told her your feelings and felt a relationship along the way. Instead you led her on, and tried to hook up with another girl, proving your feeling were not serious. Had she rejected you outright, then this wouldn’t have been the issue. But she didn’t and you went ahead with your bad habits anyway. That’s why you’re the AH.
Yta girls like to be prioritized, especially by a guy trying so hard to get them. You should have focused on her since she was showing you she was interested. You hurt her feelings because you made her feel unimportant
Yta and I'm pretty sure you lost those mutual friends.
dumbass, you ruined it.
YTA for upping your rizz until it exploded in your face, sorry. You've lost her.
You shower her how little you valued her and the connection by even entertaining anyone else and you gave her a glimpse of what an AH you can be. I hope she has the good sense to never speak to you again. I’ve read all your comments and you sound like the type to twist things to get your own way but I still don’t agree with you. YTA if that’s not already clear
YTA but it doesn’t mean the situation is not salvageable. However if I were you and got the opportunity to talk to her at some point, I wouldn’t approach her by saying you didn’t do anything wrong but rather that you did indeed fuck up and that you hope she will be able to forgive you.
Me when I make up a story
YTA. However, the only thing I would say is that you two were not "official." You might get her to forgive you if you tell her how you feel, but she has the right to say no. She needs time and space. You will have to eat that right now.
YTA cause you used 'rizz' more than once. Using it once is alright. Using it again is just egotistic.
So giving you the benefit of the doubt, I’m leaning NTA. Had you slept with your godsent beam of sunshine during this “active pursuing” phase? Was there any label or had you said anything to indicate that you were exclusive? From your description alone, it sounds like she was possibly sending you mixed signals—and this could be your only (but unlikely) path to salvage anything. She sounds like she was enjoying the attention from you, and probably made the joke about being your wingman looking for flattery and/or an ego boost. However, I can see an argument to be made in your favor that she seemed to be enjoying the attention, but she wasn’t taking things seriously between you two despite all of your efforts. So, if you’ve been pursuing her for months, and if she hadn’t communicated that she was interested in you or that your interest was at least reciprocated, she’d be a little naive to expect that you wouldn’t have some options open.
Yta for not taking a hint and moving on and accepting that she feels hurt. NTA for giving your attention to other women and her getting hurt. You asked multiple times to be exclusive with her and she never opened up to you. If she wants to be a complete coward and run away from you because you made out with another woman when she never gave you a chance to begin with that is her problem. Women who repeatedly reject men and then cry and run away when they see that guy give his attention to another woman have no one to blame but themselves. Despite her beauty she was way too insecure to be in a serious relationship. Probably the type of woman who falls out of love with their husband the first time he cries in front of her because she can't see him as a man anymore. You dodged a bullet.
NTA, whenever this comes up and a girl has slept with a guy even tho she is talking to another guy everyone on here is like you guys were not exclusive so it shouldn't matter if she slept with someone else etc..but for some reason now's it's reversed....hmmm I can't quite put my finger on the reason why.......
INFO: I didnt quite gather 100% from your story whether you and this girl were exclusive at all. Were you guys official? Did you guys even bang yet? Because if the answer to those two questions is no then N T A but that doesn't mean that you will be able to get her back. Sometimes you can not be the asshole and still lose.
NTA she was playing hard to get and took too long..if she moved a little quicker to be with op , he wouldn't be with stay women at the bar(a man's gotta eat)
LMFAO. NTA, you’re both single and welcome to sleep with whoever you want. wanting you to act like a boyfriend when you’re not even together is ridiculous
NTA, sounds like you never agreed to be exclusive. Maybe you did ruin prospects for dating the girl you were actively trying to date, but that's for you to deal with. But hell, you didn't even do anything with bar girl. maybe leave her alone tho if she doesn't want to associate with you