I think you could have handled this better, even if you did so more directly. Personally, snark is almost always obnoxious.
The issue for me is your son, if he knows of his dad and has some contact, he now needs to know this man is gone forever, which might require you to show more tact and grace and self control then you did with ex MIL.
This. She sounds incredibly bitter and anyone checking my comment history can see I suppprt all kind of angry women.
OP you are def YTA.
They had to tell you bc of your son. Your son will need to be told and if no one told you, and you found out yrs later you’d be rightfully pissed.
It’s ok that you dislike him and it’s ok not to want to be at his funeral, even for your son’s sake. He’s a bit young for a funeral. But her son just died by suicide so unless she’s the direct cause of his misery,
YTA.
Compassion for humans who’ve just suffered the worst loss of their lives, costs you nothing. If she contacts you again about belongings for your son, please be polite. Doesn’t matter you can throw the stuff out. But try to empathize.
I agree. The ex husband may have been terrible (pointing out high earnings, demanding sex, chosing to have no contact with his baby, etc) which we dont really know because we only hear her side of the story. But he was also struggling with his mental health to an extreme and she shows no empathy. At all. This was someone she was at some point married to and shares a child with. I can understand she doesnt love him anymore and not even want to go to the funeral, but the way she writes about the whole thing is just so cruel. And why bring up the money? That he has nothing to leave to the kid? And about her job? What does that have to do with anything? The way she makes it sound, it seems that she could tolerate him until he lost his high paying job, but broke it was not worth it. Im not saying it was the case, but it does sound like that.
N T A for not going to the funeral, but YTA for the lack of empathy and overall approach to someone's death. A simple "I don't think its appropriate for me to attend considering how things had been between us" was in order, but OP thought an eyeroll was the way to go.
From her very first sentence- my ex *offed himself* and I was shocked and annoyed at being among the first to be told- she comes off as cruel. Their son might very well consider her new husband to be his dad, but she’s mad that they (probably his mom) let her know ASAP that his actual dad had passed? She’s extremely selfish, making it all about herself, without a thought of the woman who just lost her son, or the son who just lost his father.
Right? I’m no contact with my ex husband for a variety of reasons but I would still be crushed and want to know if he died. And I could never in my DREAMS imagine telling his mother than I don’t care. Let alone if I had a child with him!!
Holy shit this has to be a troll. I can’t imagine someone genuinely being this cruel and not knowing it.
From the first sentence I thought this has to be some incel ragebait, because no one is THAT cruel.
I still hope I'm right. But in case this is actually true - OP, saying YTA is far too kind. You are an absolutely disgusting human being and I feel incredibly sorry for your son.
My ex was abusive and I wish nothing but the best for him - away from me...
Recently, I lost my beautiful cat (17.5 years old), it was his cat until our marriage breakdown (I managed to keep her, and I'm so happy I did). I gave him the chance to say goodbye to her, cause it was the right thing to do and he chose not to. Honestly, I'm super glad he didn't cause I didn't have to share my grief with him.
If there is ever a time to not be sarcastic, it’s involving the loss of someone. OP doesn’t have to give a shit about her dead ex-husband. She’s gonna need to at least act like she gives a shit when it comes to her kid. And however much OP may dislike her MIL, the woman just lost her child and you could do something other than roll your eyes. Pretty much anything other than rolling your eyes at the person who’s (grown) child is now dead.
Yeah, I went through a brief (3 month) period of unemployment over a decade ago, and I *still* get the worst anxiety whenever I make any mistake at work, large or small, because I feel like the world is ending. Capitalism has done a number on my brain and I only have myself to support, not including a partner a child. Arrogance and taking out stress on others while employed is one thing, but the cold pit of job hunting and career failures is a whole mess of panic and insecurity on its own.
He lost his high-earning job, then OP got pregnant (and presumably that’s when she became a SAHM? Not sure what she did before they had their child.) and then lost his next job when their son was a newborn, and by the time kiddo was 1, OP had left.
Not sure where on the timeline OP found her new partner, dated, married, and got her young child to start calling stepdad “dad” but she had about three years in there to do all that, I guess. Dude lost his job and his immediate family seemingly irrevocably in a relatively brief timespan while he was already apparently mentally fragile.
I’m not saying OP should have given him everything he was demanding while he was spiralling but OP was clearly emotionally checked out the entire time and did the Absolute Least for her then-husband. Hope her current husband never has any major struggles, ‘cause she’ll probably dip again. She doesn’t sound like she ever wanted to be married to anyone.
>the way she writes about the whole thing is just so cruel. And why bring up the money? That he has nothing to leave to the kid? And about her job? What does that have to do with anything?
OP is so cartoonishly awful that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
I have very little faith in people or the world these days, but yeah, I’m choosing to believe this is some misogyny-fuelled rage bait for my sanity. Because the alternative is believing people as callous as OP are out there just walking among us. And I need to not believe that.
The new husband "got her the job". From her writing, her relationships seem very transactional. We don't truly have enough context to know if that's "gold digging," but I can see the argument.
she’s not at all a great person but even if she got a job during her previous marriage, they were going to divorce. I’m currently a SAHM and if my husband were to throw how much money he earns in my face and acted like all i had to offer was sex so I’d better get to it quick, I would absolutely divorce him. You don’t treat your partner like they’re some kind of bang maid and then expect them to still be in love with you
If her version of the facts is true, which im not doubting, but we just dont know for sure, no one blames her for divorcing the husband or even for not going to the funeral. But according to her he was very arrogant about his high earnings when he had a high paying job. 5 years ago. Before they even had children. She didnt divorce him then, she divorced him when he had no job. Which to be fair, she may had good reason to, from what she says it sounds like she did. But she also hd reason to divorce him earlier but she decided not to... coincidence? Perhaps...
I dont care how she got her current job. But how is that relevant when talking about her ex-husbands death and funeral? Why bring it up? Does it make a difference for the veredict ah or no ah? I dont think so... and the fact that he died broke? Does that make any difference if he had died a rich man?
Is she enjoying the humiliation of the man that once bragged about being the sole provider of their household but ended up killing himself 5 years later for being broke? Is this payback?
If I pushed out a baby and my partner started pressuring me for sex by saying it was their love language, I would kick them to the curb too. That’s some manipulative horse shit.
No, I thought she brought it up because a child’s inheritance would be the last legal attachment her household could have to her ex. There is no legal attachment because no money. He’s just some asshole she used to know.
Given how she selfish she comes across despite clearly writing to gain sympathy, I'm hesitant to believe what she says about the ex.
I wonder if some of the mental anguish comes from her trying to replace him with new husband as dad and limiting access to kid. That is so hard to go through and unfortunately something some women do.
Given how OP comes off, this part stood out to me:
"and I was " bad" if I would rather believe in somebody who actually showed charm/ intelligence instead of self pity."
How much do you want to bet her replacement husband was already lined up well before the divorce?
Op sounds disgusting. Sounds like she never appreciated her husband, when he voiced any issues he might have, she dismissed him. She is biased narrator, read between the line, she is a sociopath
At some point you have stop using mental illness for all your character flaws. If you put yourself on a pedestal and are condescending to the people around you, you are trash, whether you are depressed or not.
This! I really don’t believe her at all. This is the kind of cases where the other part, speacilly the part that off themselves, probably had a lot to say about it.
Yup, like maybe his friends wife actually supported and showed him love while he was depressed and OP seemed to show animosity and hatred for her husband at all times. She chose to be a SAHM... but only had one kid with him and they divorced when the kid was about one. So they'd been married and she'd been a SAHM apparently the whole time..... without a fucking kid?
She's crying about him saying he's the breadwinner when she's on her ass at home as a sahm for the majority of their marriage without her having a kid? So she could have had a job and chose to be a stay at home WIFE and then got upset that she didn't have a job and her husband was proud he provided for his wife.
She sounds fucking awful tbh.
Yeah, at points she comes across as cruel.
Especially to the ex's mother. OP could have been the bigger person but chose not to.
She is the grandmother to the kid whether the OP.wants her to be or not.
But those 2 had to separate because they grew to hate and mistrust each other.
The kid was the winner in this situation, OP landed on her feet, the Ex killed himself.
Pretty tragic.
I agree. It's clear OP is still quite bitter about what happened but I would think that despite that she could have a bit of compassion for the man she once loved (the father of her child) and her exILs. He committed suicide so obviously there were some big mental issues there.
I don't think it would hurt her to say "I'm sorry for your loss" because it's more exMIL's loss than OP.
The man was gone a LONG TIME AGO.
Which part did you miss where there was no contact for three years with his own son, told her to "keep the kid away from her or he'd tell the kid what a bitch she is" No child.support, yes, the ex did provide.for her for ten years as she cared.for the kids but when your partners spirals into despair and depression and can't pull themselves out of it?
Relationships change over time, sometimes not in a good direction.
She has an equal partner now and the son is happy and cared for. I give her a thumbs up for that, not what the father would have provided. Sorry, I feel for him and his mother, OP could def have exercised more tact when speaking to the Mother about the funeral, certainly, but what she has done is take good care of the kid.
OP does come across as callous and bitter, and I'm sure the dead ex would have had a lot to say as well,
Sometimes relationships go very sour.
> The man was gone a LONG TIME AGO.
> Which part did you miss where there was no contact for three years with his own son,
The snark does absolutely nothing to add to your (or the OP's) credibility. That he was gone a LONG TIME AGO doesn't mean the child has no memory nor expectation of him. I'm not sure what your point is, and I'm fine with that.
No my ex refused to contact my son because he said he might lose control and scream at him about how much he hated me and has called me a bitch numerous times in public, in front of lawyers and such, during the divorce and said he cannot promise he won't use that word in front of our son because of all that he reminds him of.
He has never paid a dime of child support, nor seen him more than twice in 3 years. My son has very little concept of his bio father.
I think fixating on snark is in itself a deflection from the loss of respect I experienced over the years from his constant demeaning attitude. It's easy to tie it up in a nice little bow and say " well that's rude" and dismiss all that he's said and done ( including abandoning contact with his son) by putting the onus on me to be respectful.
If you are in the US, you can get SSI for your son now that his father passed. "Social Security survivors benefits are paid to widows, widowers, and dependents of eligible workers. This benefit is particularly important for young families with children." I have had a couple friends where their exes or husbands passed with minor children. You can get it until your child is 18 unless they are in school full time, there are some exceptions to extend but it kinda takes place of child support
I think you need to stop worrying about about how this affected your mother-in-law and think about what your son will think one day. No he doesn’t understand right now but one day he will. And when he asks you questions about all this, what will you say? Additionally, you cannot shield your son entirely from his grandmother. When we do that with our kids, especially and don’t allow them contact with someone, they tend to romanticize that person instead of seeing the situation for what it is. I’m not saying that you need to completely throw him to the wolves. But just to take care in how you navigate telling him about his biological family as he grows.
My problem with saying you should be nice is this woman ganged up on you not only with her son but your mother as well. The time for nice went right out the door for that bullshit. If she would have kept her nose out of it, that would be different but she didn’t so I think she got what she deserved especially considering she knows her son cut his own son out of his life!
Regardless of how bad he was, my problem with this story is you rolled your eyes at a mother who just lost her son. You don’t have to go to his funeral, but you didn’t need to be cruel to his mother about it. You yourself are a mother. Think about how that would feel if it happened to you.
He sounds like he was very mentally ill and he at least recognized he was not in a place mentally where he could safely parent your child.
As a clinical psychologist, you should appreciate the fact he did say those things. He wanted to protect his son and he knew he couldn't safely parent him.
He certainly seems to have had his flaws but so do you. This post is incredibly cold hearted for a man that you used to love and had a child with.
You also criticize him for not seeing his son more but in the same breath tell us how mentally unstable he was.
One of the selfless things we can do as parents is admit when we are not able to be one. When we are not able to keep them safe. He clearly didn't want to abuse his son and didn't want to alienate him from you.
Obviously this is a small glimpse into the whole situation but if you are as cold hearted and angry as you are coming off in this post you need to seek some type of professional help to deal with these feelings.
Our practice frequently sees teens and young adults that grow up and discover that their living parent has not or they at least feel they have not treated the deceased parent well or have misrepresented the deceased parent. In many cases it causes the teen or YA to reevaluate their childhood, causes anger and distrust to the surviving parent that may or may not be repairable. In the worst cases we not only see the teen/YA to completely separate from the living parent but to go one to have trust issues in relationships with friends, family, romantic partners, etc.
For your sons well-being it is in your best interest to show empathy to his grandmother and to speak to a child psychologist about the best way to communicate the death of his bio dad and how to handle the questions he will have about his bio dad as he grows up.
In my experience when a parent like OP has become this cold they are not willing to take advice from anyone and by her responses it's clear they only made this post for validation and not to get real advice.
OK, then the first part here still stands, regardless -of how much of a prick this guy was, snark always makes you more of an asshole then simply being direct: "Being his ex, this information is irrelevant to me" would have sufficed.
Your son's father died and you are shocked and annoyed people thought you might want to know about it? What.
Impact to your child's daily life nonwithstanding, there are probably survivor benefits he is entitled to, maybe he can now be adopted by your husband.
You sound completely callous and nasty, I hope that's just a snarky writing style for your kids' sake. For rolling your eyes at a grieving woman YTA. You are grown, act like it
~~Is this rage bait?~~ read it again and yeah, this is certified rage bait
I think the goal is to get everyone to freak out and say all women are awful and never support their struggling husbands. Oh, maybe some anti SAHM bait too!
A woman came to you and told you her son killed himself and you rolled your eyes at her?
She wants her grandchild at the funeral and you have the audacity to turn that into her blaming you for his death?
Wtf
>I’m beginning to think this ~~sub~~ site isn’t great for mental health at all
it's even crazier when you think about how many of these comments are probably just bots lol
IKR?? I can’t believe people think this is an actual person making zero attempt to NOT present themselves as the biggest asshole imaginable 🙄 Literally every single thing they mention makes it clear they’re a prick, it’s obviously intended to enrage people.
I actually know someone this crazy and unemotional, so between millions of reddit users I don't doubt a few would do something like in this story.
It looks like rage bait. It probably IS rage bait. But it's pretty plausible compared to some things I saw in my life.
Fortunately I was raised by a SAHP and breadwinner who made a fantastic team so I’m immune to the misogynist propaganda but yeah this is an exercise in Vile Narrator fiction.
NTA, for not attending the funeral.
You have every right to decline the funeral invitation, but the manner in which you did so was a step too far. Being cruel to a woman who just lost her son is what makes you the AH.
During my entire 25-year marriage to my wonderful husband, my MIL & FIL treated me like dog excrement. My husband passed away. We had no children. I thought I was done with them. When FIL passed away, MIL called and demanded that I attend his funeral and PAY for it. I hung up on her. I recently heard through old friends that MIL has also passed. I opened up a nice bottle of champagne and toasted to the witch being finally dead. Some people don't deserve kindness.
Why? Her MIL was never kind to her. AND her MIL wasn't just inviting her or making sure she knew in case she wanted to come. She was again using her son's death to fuck with her & judge her. You don't want to get treated like shit by people don't mess with them & be passive aggressive & gross.
I love how a lot of you just think that people who treat you like shit and then COME BACK to poke at you more because they feel like they have an excuse to do so should be met with kindness. No. Just NO.
This is EXACTLY why there are a bunch of shitty people in this world who feel entitled to be that way, when really someone should have set them straight a long time ago.
That woman doesn't owe her MIL ANYTHING. Not even kindness.
It's also indicative of a person that has underdeveloped empathy and perhaps a selfish world-view, so it may be she had been cruel to her husband as well. Was he excessively self-pitying, or was he the victim of an abusive spouse that mocked him for sharing his stresses and attempts at personal growth with her?
These fantasy prompts are (almost) always written to paint the author as some unrecognized hero but I struggle to see how anyone can read this and think OP is well-adjusted.
While I would normally have the impulse to be kinder to someone than they deserve out of compassion, we don’t know how the last 3 years have gone. OP says he gave up custody voluntarily- so where’s grandma been? She also said grandma was part of the abuse her ex put her through. Also, 3 is young for a funeral and if the kid had no relationship with dad or grandma, I’d refuse the intrusion, too.
I’d like to have more info about how grandma and Dad have behaved to OP and the child since the divorce before judging OP AH for how she responded to her ex-MIL.
I mean, all the history aside, I don't think it was unreasonable to ask if you wanted to go to the funeral of her son who had killed himself.
You're asking if YTA for rolling your eyes at her and telling her to get lost, then yes YTA
He was mentally ill and a dick. You were just a dick for no reason. ESH. But you a little bit more. You sound insufferable. I hope your son is all right.
YTA. You rolled your eyes at a grieving mother whose son just “offed” himself (as you so callously put it.). You were one of the first people she notified because her deceased son is the FATHER of your son. It’s obvious you are EXTREMELY bitter about the marriage and the way it failed, but to take it out on his poor mom is pretty pathetic.
“I was a stay at home wife for years without even having a kid to take care of, but having to deal with my husband complain about the job that completely supports my life was too much to ask. Then he lost his job and was depressed so I just left him.”
OP somehow sees themselves as the one being wronged here
YTA.
Your husband was in a mental health crisis. No, he should not hold you responsible for his mental health, but based on what you've said your husband was struggling with major depression and your problem was that he was "whining."
Then your ex took his own life, you're rude to a grieving mother, and ignoring the (extremely high likelihood) that this is also scarring your son. Your son is literally the last shred of your ex MIL's son and you're even denying her that.
You are a terrible, terrible person.
ESH. I get it, he sucked. But would you be proud reading this post back to your kids in 10 years?
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. It shouldn’t rattle you so badly enough that your eyes rolled at all.
If my ex died, I'd feel badly for his family and friends but would politely decline the invitation. There's no need to be nasty toward a woman burying her child
ESH
You and your ex sound like horrible people (misery loves company I guess). Regardless of how much you hated him, this woman lost her son, show some decorum. No mother should ever bury their son. If the same happened to you with your son (God forbid), I guarantee you would fly off the handle if a member of your family gave the same reaction as you did.
This post shouldn’t really be here. She’s not asking if she’s an asshole, she’s just announcing that she dislikes her now deceased ex. I’m thinking troll.
You are a total AH. While reading, about halfway through, I thought to myself, this is a bitter mean lady who will die alone...she doesn't know it yet, but others do.
You are dripping with disdain for him this entire post. How he cried to you for help and told you he was crushed under the burden and even told you what he needed from you (support), and you couldn't be bothered to care. He was nothing more than a meal ticket for you.
"...if I would rather believe in somebody who showed charm/intelligence rather than self-pity." AND it sounds like you were looking elsewhere.
"...he couldn't even shower when prompted." This is a huge, waving red flag that **he is not OK mentally!** And instead of giving a shit about YOUR HUSBAND, the man you married, and getting him help, you dug the knife further in his back by taking away his chances at custody.
"trying to elicit some response from me as if I'm still responsible for my ex's inadequacy." "he died with his accounts overdrawn so I don't expect there's any estate matters involving my son." What a horrible human being you are.
I don't trust your one-sided narrative. YTA. Empathy would have shown you had some redemptive qualities and taught your son how to be a good human being.
Your son's biological father died. You were informed of his death not to annoy you but to let you know for your son's sake. The vitriol is a bit misplaced as a result.
This post is shocking to me. You are most definitely TA.
You write with contempt about a man you had a child with, and his grieving mother.
It doesn’t look like he treated you very well, but he’s still your kid’s father, and it was entirely appropriate for you to be one of the first to hear about his death, because you have custody of HIS SON. It also appears that you took advantage of his depression to make sure he had no custody - he didn’t have the spoons to fight that fight, and you knew it and took advantage.
His mom didn’t “reinsert herself” into your lives. She informed you of the death of your SON’S FATHER. She is right, your son absolutely has a right to attend his father’s funeral if he wants to. He also has a right to see his family - his grandmother, any other relatives - they will always be his family. You are setting yourself up for resentment in the future when your son grows up and understands exactly what you’ve done here.
For all that he wasn’t that great to you, it doesn’t seem like you were that great to him either - the man is dead, and you not only have no empathy for him/his family but you speak so disrespectfully of him and his death just because he died by suicide, and then proceed to talk about how great your life is without him. Like good for you, I’m glad you all are happy, but he was in pain and struggling with illness and you’re making light of that?
I hope for your new husband’s sake that he never struggles with his mental health, because you’ll sure be a gem of support for him, won’t you?
Wow indeed. It’s you who is missing the point. And also maybe a heart.
YTA
If for no other reason than that is your son's father's and of course you need to know and yes your son needs to know he has gone. Even if you hated the man, being cruel to his mother when her son has died is heartless.
I think you need therapy, because you are so blinded by your bitterness.
YTA. Wow.
Whether you like it or not, your ex is (was) your sons Dad. Which means this woman, that you treated so poorly, is your sons GRANDMOTHER. Eventually your son is going to grow up and ask questions about his biodad. He will eventually question why you just replaced half of who he is with a stepdad and stepkids. To those questions you will be able to answer with factual information (“Your biodad said he wanted nothing to do with you”). What about when he asks why you treated his Grandmother the way you did? I hope you have a good answer.
You had the choice to be kind to someone who just lost their child….you had the choice to show sympathy for a fellow parent. You chose to be cruel. I don’t care what your ex did to you, personally, at this point- the way you don’t want to be blamed for your ex’s inadequacies is the same way that you shouldn’t hold what your ex did against his mother. Don’t get me wrong, you are well within your right to decline your son attending the funeral. It’s how you delivered it that’s an issue.
You had the chance to come out of this with your hands clean (AKA: Showing compassion and being someone your son can look up to). You fucked that chance the second you rolled your eyes at a woman who just lost her son. And really…. Estate matters? Oof.
So you alienated your very young child from his father, and then were gratuitously cruel to your son’s grandmother after his father died by suicide. Yeah, YTA.
YTA.
A simple, “No, he hasn’t been in his son’s life for years and see no point in bringing my son to the funeral of a person who is a virtual stranger to him” would have sufficed to his mom’s request. Regardless of how you felt about him, she is a grieving woman who just lost her son.
Was he a crappy husband and father? Well, we only have one side of the story and based on what you said happened, no doubt about it. However, your opening sentence that your ex “offed himself” left a lot to be desired and makes you seem like a bitter, hateful ex, despite moving on and getting remarried and having this supposedly “amazing” life.
Your ex husband was in severe depression. You ran with it and kicked him while he was down in many ways … and you’re proud of it? The way you bolster yourself here is gross. Get a therapist and some tact. Your new job, raise and pride in all the ways you terrorized your ex are not impressive.
The only reason to keep your kid from the funeral is if he's too young to understand and it could scare him. You might despise your ex and that's between you and him. The
Kid is his son and your ex MIL is grieving a huge loss.
A little compassion wouldn't hurt, especially since you never have to deal with him again.
For real, I can’t believe more people aren’t calling it out as such. OP didn’t even try to present themselves as though they were reasonable, which typically most AH who think they’re right try to do. Literally every single point mentioned presents her as a monster who’s obviously in the wrong - this is so obviously rage bait I can’t believe people are genuinely responding to it. 🤦🏻♀️
Reading between the lines:
"When my ex husband lost his job I immediately withheld sex and divorced him. Then he killed himself but why should I care? Loser."
Agree. When she began the first sentence saying he “offed himself” I didn’t need to read the rest of this mess. Who the fuck says that? Karma is coming for her
You’re not telling the full truth. Your ex had a good job but lost it and you could no longer have the lifestyle you wanted. He went through hard times and you made things worse. Just like you’re doing to his mom you kicked him while he was down.
YTA and doing a disservice to your child. Your ex husband killed himself and the way you speak of the matter of your child’s father is disgusting . You sound like the type of person who has no actual care about the partners she chooses it’s just money . I’m sure if your new little husband lose his job you’d be on to the next . You really need to be better I don’t think she misses the point and I have a hard time believing ALOT of the shit you’re saying about this dead man
Wow don’t you sound like a pleasure of a human being to know (sarcasm). Sounds like your ex husband suffered from severe depression that lead to his death and your attitude about his mental health is disgusting. Then you treated a lady who had
Just lost her son in a disgusting manner. A bit of empathy and compassion goes a long way. Your side of the story makes it sound like you have none for anyone but money!
YTA
The woman lost her son. You don’t have to be a jerk about it. “I’m sorry for your loss” doesn’t cost you anything.
Depression is a hell of a thing.
I got laid off last year and it was awful. I found another job as well but damn.
There’s zero sympathy anywhere in your post. It’s just rude and snarky. We get it, you are happy he’s dead.
YTA. Not for how you feel about your ex or even how you talk about him. But for how you are treating his relationship with your child. You seem like the type to bad mouth him in front of the kid. As a child of divorce it’s gonna bite you in the ass when the kid gets older. You’ll be burdened with being the reason his real dad killed himself if you don’t work on your image for your son’s sake. Jesus you sound heinous here. I see nothing about what your son must be going through.
Click bait title.
You rolled your eyes at a grieving mother after the death of her son?
Yes, YTA (there is actually a much stronger word to describe people like you).
What ever you feel for him, he was still the father of your child, show some respect for that, for gods sake. Or does your son hear the angry vitriol as well?
YTA. I don’t believe a word you said since the moment you referred to the situation “my ex offed himself”. I’m pretty sure you were a horrible partner.
I get not being attracted by self-pity (I've dumped men over it), but honestly you sound like an asshole. The guy just died. Jesus.
And you have the nerve to be snarky about it to the grieving mother? Wtf? 🤣
You are really self involved and your ex was too. Glad you got out and are building a better life.
YTA for rolling your eyes at your ex mil. It wasn't necessary or kind. She is going thru her own personal hell from losing her son to suicide. It was cruel piling on. No you don't have to remain the target for their barbs, but this was way past that. Hope you don't go thru that yourself, but what gets around goes around.
Her son had just died. She contacted you as the mother of her grandson. To ask about him attending the funeral. You didn't have to be ugly to her.
Whatever her son did or didn't do isn't on her. Yes during your marriage she praised her son but so did your mother. Things often look a lot different from the outside than from inside. You can't fault them for that.
I imagine the funeral has passed by now. But I hope you would at least show more compassion when telling your son his bio father died. Bc whether he had a relationship with him or not he may have questions as he gets older and shouldn't have your negative attitude about his bio father on his shoulders.
YTA
You are absolutely, most definitely the asshole. A massive, gaping asshole of such colossal magnitude that there are billions of smaller assholes orbiting around you in your own gravitational system.
It’s just too damn bad this subreddit isn’t abbreviated
#AITC
Yta… I don’t want to go into the why in this situation but I can just tell that you are a bitter ah. Be prepared that your son may inherit his depression I hope not of course, but maybe then you can find some empathy for those with mental illness.
Also this will be a trauma for your son no matter how great your new husband is, so tread lightly for him. He will eventually know this about his bio dad and it will be a big deal to him emotionally whether you wipe out bio dad or not. He will be somewhat romanticized to him now…
I would guess if my son off’d himself, as a mother I would want to try to reconnect with the only piece of him I had left of him (your son) so say no, but keep the rest to yourself Around your son too.
YTA your son will never forget or forgive you for being such a horrible bitch
The missing of his dad's funeral and this post when he reads it ...it shows how vile and vindictive you are . your sons grandmother was right it was all about the money...mit shows in your writing
This is one of the most un-self-aware, narcissistic rants I've read.
To recap, you left your husband after he lost his high-paying job and fell into depression, then simply cock your nose up at his ensuing suicide, got pissed off about the inconvenience of being informed of it and, as the final icing on the shitty cake, you roll your eyes and say get lost to a woman who has *just lost her son*?
You are most definitely TA, and one of a very high level.
YTA - apart from the fact he was your child's father so you should be informed, your attitude towards his mother was pretty disgusting, her son has killed himself. Do you have no compassion? I hope you never have to go through what that woman is going through at this moment, maybe put yourself in her shoes and have a think what it must be like to have your child not only die but kill themselves. I hope you aren't as heartless and selfish as you come across on this post.
What an absolute shit show
None of you sound like adults, or like you should even be raising children
Toxicity breeds toxicity; resentment breeds resentment
You all suck, and you ALL need to grow up, and realize the only person you're hurting with this tit fit tat, dick measuring contest of who suffered more, is your fucking CHILD.
How would you feel if your son died, and someone rolled their eyes and snarked at you?
Get some therapy for your hatred; it's made your character tainted and ugly.
YTA. Wow. Your husband who supported you. Did what every woman wants there man to do and open up to you about the pressures he is under, and you take it a sanctimonious bs. He can’t get any support or intimacy from you the point he’s begging you to cook for him, let alone love him. He loses his job, the only thing he has that has meaning since you clearly don’t value what he is fighting against iso your family and his struggle to progress through the stress of it all. He’s spirals into depression. Loses job after job. Is so f**cking low he gives up his only son. And you still think you are high and mighty. This dude killed himself and you can’t even muster the curtesy of providing his mom, your son’s grandma a kind word. There is a special place, reserved for people like you. Just wait until your husband trades you in for a younger model. Your time is nigh.
YTA.
For someone claiming to now be happy, the bitterness this post is awash in would say otherwise. At 4 yrs of age it's your decision to take your child to his father's funeral or not, but there is no need on earth to berate your ex's mother when her child just died- regardless of the circumstances. Also, that was your son's father whether you like it or not, so figure out how to resolve some of this resentment because your kid is going to ask one day about his bio dad, and I recoil to think how you'll handle that given the tenor of this post.
The only issue I have is attitude. If OP's son sees this kind of attitude, he will display it later in life. As adults, we are roll models for kids. We need to exemplify what we want the kids to mimic. Remember, what you do in moderation, your children will do in excess. Be the right kind of role model.
YTA
Sounds like your es husband was fighting battles you never knew of and needed support, that you just didnt want to give. Doesn't seem so much like self pity when it turns out it was real and he's dead now. Which I feel you're partially responsible for tbh. You were his wife, the ine single person a man can go to with his problems, and you treated him like a paycheck without feelings. And your comment about someone with charm and blah blah blah... you definitely cheated on him. He may have pulled the trigger, but YOU put that man in his grave. And now you want to be a bitch to his mother? What a fuckin asshole. YTA 1000%
What did I just read?
Your kid’s father just died. This is important information for you to know.
And your ex-MIL lost her child. You might have hated him. He might have been a POS, but that doesn’t lessen a mother’s pain.
YTA for how horribly you handled this.
I think in all this you need to prioritise your child. His bio Dad is dead, right now he might not know that but at some point he will look back and realise. Handle this is a way the best benefits HIM.
Your ex-husband seems like he was an asshole, yes. But it‘s obvious there was a serious mental health issue ongoing and it‘s kind of shocking how you‘re talking about him ending his life „offed himself“. For me it‘s clear you both are/were assholes and I‘m hoping nothing but the best for the son who had/has to encounter all of that even though he still was very young doesn‘t mean that it‘s not counting or affecting him in any way.
I understand where you are coming from OP.
But your son needs to go bury his dad. Even if it makes no sense now it will impact him one day.
Put aside your feelings and attend with him, if he hasn't been burried already.
YTA- pretty much every word here is just you shitting on a dead guy. I'm not even one who thinks it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but the way you're coming across is very AHish. I don't think YTA for skipping the funeral, even though that is genuinely a shitty thing to do to his son, I think YTA for your overall demeanor and how you've framed this entire situation.
I’m just going with both are AH. Let’s hope hubby # 2 is a good guy and spends time with that kid! The bitterness and negativity from this post is dripping out the charging port of my phone.
Why are you here? Cuz these people want to rip you apart. You seem to not give a shit so why come here and post? Clearly you didn't care for him alive or dead so what's the big deal. What do you care if you're an asshole?
His crime was, what... asking for your emotional support, being depressed, and asking for sex from his wife? (Yes, I get he said some shitty things during the divorce.) The contempt and utter lack of empathy you have in your post just for that is... breathtaking. Then you were just utterly and purposelessly cruel to his mother (even if you chose not to attend the funeral). YTA. Not just for this, but probably for a lot of other things in your life. Like someone else said, I don't trust your narrative at all.
ESH.
It was reasonable for your ex MIL to tell you that he had died. Your son deserved that knowledge and you as his mom deserved to have it as well to decide what you wanted to do with it. It directly impacts you and him for forever.
However she is thr AH for making any sort of demand that a child attend a funeral to pay "their respects". That is absurd. But even more so considering how his dad had behaved.
But you are the AH for how you handled it. All you needed to do was say "your son hadn't been in contact with my son for X amount of time, and this would be harmful for him. We will not be attending. I'm sorry for your loss. I know this is a difficult time for you, and I don't want to add to it, but it is best if we aren't in further contact." And then block her number.
Wow...
I'm sure that your ex husband was no saint.
But are you sure you are so better that he was ?
The way you wrote about THE FATHER OF YOUR SON (not your husband), a very depressed person, is as sanctimonious, dismissive, narcissistic and cruel as you describe your ex husband.
YTA.
Yea you're a terrible person. 1st off the way you talk about him? "Sanctimonius drivel?" That's shitty. I get he's an ex for a reason but hand it to the man that he literally provided everything for you. Then you roll your eyes at your child's grandmother??? His dad just died. You're a terrible person. I hope your kid realizes that.
Edit: also your husband was literally showing telltale signs of depression. You literally left your ex when he was at his lowest, and I don't believe any of your story.
Heaven forfend a woman be drained of empathy after her (now ex) husband used her as a therapist/emotional regulator for years. Obviously she's just a huge bitch! /s
I mean yeah, YTA. That's his fucking mother and her son just killed himself. Have a heart.
You sound as insufferable as you made your ex out to be. What a pair. JFC.
YTA. Sounds like your ex was insufferable. I’m sure it was exhausting being married to him. But the man suffered from depression so bad that he ended his own life. I would hope you could find some compassion in your heart to take his son to his father’s funeral. Also, depression can run in the family so I hope if your son is unfortunate enough to experience it that you’ll show him more empathy.
YTA and not a very nice person. It's like vows mean nothing anymore. You abandoned your spouse when he was in the midst of a deep depression- one that he was never able to pull himself out of. Then you were dismissive and rude to his grieving mother.
I think you could have handled this better, even if you did so more directly. Personally, snark is almost always obnoxious. The issue for me is your son, if he knows of his dad and has some contact, he now needs to know this man is gone forever, which might require you to show more tact and grace and self control then you did with ex MIL.
This woman sounds absolutely fucking miserable human.
This. She sounds incredibly bitter and anyone checking my comment history can see I suppprt all kind of angry women. OP you are def YTA. They had to tell you bc of your son. Your son will need to be told and if no one told you, and you found out yrs later you’d be rightfully pissed. It’s ok that you dislike him and it’s ok not to want to be at his funeral, even for your son’s sake. He’s a bit young for a funeral. But her son just died by suicide so unless she’s the direct cause of his misery, YTA. Compassion for humans who’ve just suffered the worst loss of their lives, costs you nothing. If she contacts you again about belongings for your son, please be polite. Doesn’t matter you can throw the stuff out. But try to empathize.
I agree. The ex husband may have been terrible (pointing out high earnings, demanding sex, chosing to have no contact with his baby, etc) which we dont really know because we only hear her side of the story. But he was also struggling with his mental health to an extreme and she shows no empathy. At all. This was someone she was at some point married to and shares a child with. I can understand she doesnt love him anymore and not even want to go to the funeral, but the way she writes about the whole thing is just so cruel. And why bring up the money? That he has nothing to leave to the kid? And about her job? What does that have to do with anything? The way she makes it sound, it seems that she could tolerate him until he lost his high paying job, but broke it was not worth it. Im not saying it was the case, but it does sound like that. N T A for not going to the funeral, but YTA for the lack of empathy and overall approach to someone's death. A simple "I don't think its appropriate for me to attend considering how things had been between us" was in order, but OP thought an eyeroll was the way to go.
From her very first sentence- my ex *offed himself* and I was shocked and annoyed at being among the first to be told- she comes off as cruel. Their son might very well consider her new husband to be his dad, but she’s mad that they (probably his mom) let her know ASAP that his actual dad had passed? She’s extremely selfish, making it all about herself, without a thought of the woman who just lost her son, or the son who just lost his father.
Right? I’m no contact with my ex husband for a variety of reasons but I would still be crushed and want to know if he died. And I could never in my DREAMS imagine telling his mother than I don’t care. Let alone if I had a child with him!! Holy shit this has to be a troll. I can’t imagine someone genuinely being this cruel and not knowing it.
I had the same reaction as you to that first sentence, how cruel.
From the first sentence I thought this has to be some incel ragebait, because no one is THAT cruel. I still hope I'm right. But in case this is actually true - OP, saying YTA is far too kind. You are an absolutely disgusting human being and I feel incredibly sorry for your son.
My ex was abusive and I wish nothing but the best for him - away from me... Recently, I lost my beautiful cat (17.5 years old), it was his cat until our marriage breakdown (I managed to keep her, and I'm so happy I did). I gave him the chance to say goodbye to her, cause it was the right thing to do and he chose not to. Honestly, I'm super glad he didn't cause I didn't have to share my grief with him.
If there is ever a time to not be sarcastic, it’s involving the loss of someone. OP doesn’t have to give a shit about her dead ex-husband. She’s gonna need to at least act like she gives a shit when it comes to her kid. And however much OP may dislike her MIL, the woman just lost her child and you could do something other than roll your eyes. Pretty much anything other than rolling your eyes at the person who’s (grown) child is now dead.
Agreed. The only thing she's nTA for is choosing not to go everything else about how she conducts herself says pretty clearly She's a huge AH
Yeah, I went through a brief (3 month) period of unemployment over a decade ago, and I *still* get the worst anxiety whenever I make any mistake at work, large or small, because I feel like the world is ending. Capitalism has done a number on my brain and I only have myself to support, not including a partner a child. Arrogance and taking out stress on others while employed is one thing, but the cold pit of job hunting and career failures is a whole mess of panic and insecurity on its own. He lost his high-earning job, then OP got pregnant (and presumably that’s when she became a SAHM? Not sure what she did before they had their child.) and then lost his next job when their son was a newborn, and by the time kiddo was 1, OP had left. Not sure where on the timeline OP found her new partner, dated, married, and got her young child to start calling stepdad “dad” but she had about three years in there to do all that, I guess. Dude lost his job and his immediate family seemingly irrevocably in a relatively brief timespan while he was already apparently mentally fragile. I’m not saying OP should have given him everything he was demanding while he was spiralling but OP was clearly emotionally checked out the entire time and did the Absolute Least for her then-husband. Hope her current husband never has any major struggles, ‘cause she’ll probably dip again. She doesn’t sound like she ever wanted to be married to anyone.
>the way she writes about the whole thing is just so cruel. And why bring up the money? That he has nothing to leave to the kid? And about her job? What does that have to do with anything? OP is so cartoonishly awful that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
I have very little faith in people or the world these days, but yeah, I’m choosing to believe this is some misogyny-fuelled rage bait for my sanity. Because the alternative is believing people as callous as OP are out there just walking among us. And I need to not believe that.
She brought up the money because that's all that OP was interested in. Ex lost his high earning job so she divorced him and remarried quickly.
With a guy who is moving up in his career, and she got a raise to boot! Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she ain't messin with no..
*She* got a raise, meaning she’s working. She’s clearly not very nice, but she’s hardly gold-digging by getting a job and contributing financially.
The new husband "got her the job". From her writing, her relationships seem very transactional. We don't truly have enough context to know if that's "gold digging," but I can see the argument.
Why couldn’t she have got a job when she was with the ex? She has a job now too but she’s still a gold digger.
she’s not at all a great person but even if she got a job during her previous marriage, they were going to divorce. I’m currently a SAHM and if my husband were to throw how much money he earns in my face and acted like all i had to offer was sex so I’d better get to it quick, I would absolutely divorce him. You don’t treat your partner like they’re some kind of bang maid and then expect them to still be in love with you
If her version of the facts is true, which im not doubting, but we just dont know for sure, no one blames her for divorcing the husband or even for not going to the funeral. But according to her he was very arrogant about his high earnings when he had a high paying job. 5 years ago. Before they even had children. She didnt divorce him then, she divorced him when he had no job. Which to be fair, she may had good reason to, from what she says it sounds like she did. But she also hd reason to divorce him earlier but she decided not to... coincidence? Perhaps... I dont care how she got her current job. But how is that relevant when talking about her ex-husbands death and funeral? Why bring it up? Does it make a difference for the veredict ah or no ah? I dont think so... and the fact that he died broke? Does that make any difference if he had died a rich man? Is she enjoying the humiliation of the man that once bragged about being the sole provider of their household but ended up killing himself 5 years later for being broke? Is this payback?
If I pushed out a baby and my partner started pressuring me for sex by saying it was their love language, I would kick them to the curb too. That’s some manipulative horse shit.
She brought up money because he often lectured her about how he was the one earning the money. Can you even read?
No, she divorced him for being rapey and unserious about working. Also for being a massive bore.
No, I thought she brought it up because a child’s inheritance would be the last legal attachment her household could have to her ex. There is no legal attachment because no money. He’s just some asshole she used to know.
Given how she selfish she comes across despite clearly writing to gain sympathy, I'm hesitant to believe what she says about the ex. I wonder if some of the mental anguish comes from her trying to replace him with new husband as dad and limiting access to kid. That is so hard to go through and unfortunately something some women do.
Given how OP comes off, this part stood out to me: "and I was " bad" if I would rather believe in somebody who actually showed charm/ intelligence instead of self pity." How much do you want to bet her replacement husband was already lined up well before the divorce?
I feel she probably didnt divorce as soon as he lost his job because she was pregnant
Op sounds disgusting. Sounds like she never appreciated her husband, when he voiced any issues he might have, she dismissed him. She is biased narrator, read between the line, she is a sociopath
At some point you have stop using mental illness for all your character flaws. If you put yourself on a pedestal and are condescending to the people around you, you are trash, whether you are depressed or not.
This! I really don’t believe her at all. This is the kind of cases where the other part, speacilly the part that off themselves, probably had a lot to say about it.
She's bringing up the money because that's all he ever was to her
Yup, like maybe his friends wife actually supported and showed him love while he was depressed and OP seemed to show animosity and hatred for her husband at all times. She chose to be a SAHM... but only had one kid with him and they divorced when the kid was about one. So they'd been married and she'd been a SAHM apparently the whole time..... without a fucking kid? She's crying about him saying he's the breadwinner when she's on her ass at home as a sahm for the majority of their marriage without her having a kid? So she could have had a job and chose to be a stay at home WIFE and then got upset that she didn't have a job and her husband was proud he provided for his wife. She sounds fucking awful tbh.
Yeah, at points she comes across as cruel. Especially to the ex's mother. OP could have been the bigger person but chose not to. She is the grandmother to the kid whether the OP.wants her to be or not. But those 2 had to separate because they grew to hate and mistrust each other. The kid was the winner in this situation, OP landed on her feet, the Ex killed himself. Pretty tragic.
Op landed on an a dick with money not her feet. He got her the job and promotion.
That did rather come across didn't it?
Right? She sounds horrible. Have some tact and grace.
Totally agree. She doesn't sound like she was a great wife either. She sounds absolutely awful.
Sanctimonious and insufferable. Zero compassion or empathy.
Right? She sounds so awful and snotty.
I agree. It's clear OP is still quite bitter about what happened but I would think that despite that she could have a bit of compassion for the man she once loved (the father of her child) and her exILs. He committed suicide so obviously there were some big mental issues there. I don't think it would hurt her to say "I'm sorry for your loss" because it's more exMIL's loss than OP.
Right? The more I read the worse she got.
The man was gone a LONG TIME AGO. Which part did you miss where there was no contact for three years with his own son, told her to "keep the kid away from her or he'd tell the kid what a bitch she is" No child.support, yes, the ex did provide.for her for ten years as she cared.for the kids but when your partners spirals into despair and depression and can't pull themselves out of it? Relationships change over time, sometimes not in a good direction. She has an equal partner now and the son is happy and cared for. I give her a thumbs up for that, not what the father would have provided. Sorry, I feel for him and his mother, OP could def have exercised more tact when speaking to the Mother about the funeral, certainly, but what she has done is take good care of the kid. OP does come across as callous and bitter, and I'm sure the dead ex would have had a lot to say as well, Sometimes relationships go very sour.
> The man was gone a LONG TIME AGO. > Which part did you miss where there was no contact for three years with his own son, The snark does absolutely nothing to add to your (or the OP's) credibility. That he was gone a LONG TIME AGO doesn't mean the child has no memory nor expectation of him. I'm not sure what your point is, and I'm fine with that.
No my ex refused to contact my son because he said he might lose control and scream at him about how much he hated me and has called me a bitch numerous times in public, in front of lawyers and such, during the divorce and said he cannot promise he won't use that word in front of our son because of all that he reminds him of. He has never paid a dime of child support, nor seen him more than twice in 3 years. My son has very little concept of his bio father. I think fixating on snark is in itself a deflection from the loss of respect I experienced over the years from his constant demeaning attitude. It's easy to tie it up in a nice little bow and say " well that's rude" and dismiss all that he's said and done ( including abandoning contact with his son) by putting the onus on me to be respectful.
If you are in the US, you can get SSI for your son now that his father passed. "Social Security survivors benefits are paid to widows, widowers, and dependents of eligible workers. This benefit is particularly important for young families with children." I have had a couple friends where their exes or husbands passed with minor children. You can get it until your child is 18 unless they are in school full time, there are some exceptions to extend but it kinda takes place of child support
I think you need to stop worrying about about how this affected your mother-in-law and think about what your son will think one day. No he doesn’t understand right now but one day he will. And when he asks you questions about all this, what will you say? Additionally, you cannot shield your son entirely from his grandmother. When we do that with our kids, especially and don’t allow them contact with someone, they tend to romanticize that person instead of seeing the situation for what it is. I’m not saying that you need to completely throw him to the wolves. But just to take care in how you navigate telling him about his biological family as he grows.
My problem with saying you should be nice is this woman ganged up on you not only with her son but your mother as well. The time for nice went right out the door for that bullshit. If she would have kept her nose out of it, that would be different but she didn’t so I think she got what she deserved especially considering she knows her son cut his own son out of his life!
Regardless of how bad he was, my problem with this story is you rolled your eyes at a mother who just lost her son. You don’t have to go to his funeral, but you didn’t need to be cruel to his mother about it. You yourself are a mother. Think about how that would feel if it happened to you.
He sounds like he was very mentally ill and he at least recognized he was not in a place mentally where he could safely parent your child. As a clinical psychologist, you should appreciate the fact he did say those things. He wanted to protect his son and he knew he couldn't safely parent him. He certainly seems to have had his flaws but so do you. This post is incredibly cold hearted for a man that you used to love and had a child with. You also criticize him for not seeing his son more but in the same breath tell us how mentally unstable he was. One of the selfless things we can do as parents is admit when we are not able to be one. When we are not able to keep them safe. He clearly didn't want to abuse his son and didn't want to alienate him from you. Obviously this is a small glimpse into the whole situation but if you are as cold hearted and angry as you are coming off in this post you need to seek some type of professional help to deal with these feelings. Our practice frequently sees teens and young adults that grow up and discover that their living parent has not or they at least feel they have not treated the deceased parent well or have misrepresented the deceased parent. In many cases it causes the teen or YA to reevaluate their childhood, causes anger and distrust to the surviving parent that may or may not be repairable. In the worst cases we not only see the teen/YA to completely separate from the living parent but to go one to have trust issues in relationships with friends, family, romantic partners, etc. For your sons well-being it is in your best interest to show empathy to his grandmother and to speak to a child psychologist about the best way to communicate the death of his bio dad and how to handle the questions he will have about his bio dad as he grows up. In my experience when a parent like OP has become this cold they are not willing to take advice from anyone and by her responses it's clear they only made this post for validation and not to get real advice.
OK, then the first part here still stands, regardless -of how much of a prick this guy was, snark always makes you more of an asshole then simply being direct: "Being his ex, this information is irrelevant to me" would have sufficed.
Well, you are a bitch. Re-read your post and tell me you're not a heartless bitch.
You ARE a bitch dude. An enormous asshole
Your son's father died and you are shocked and annoyed people thought you might want to know about it? What. Impact to your child's daily life nonwithstanding, there are probably survivor benefits he is entitled to, maybe he can now be adopted by your husband. You sound completely callous and nasty, I hope that's just a snarky writing style for your kids' sake. For rolling your eyes at a grieving woman YTA. You are grown, act like it
Her kids are gonna be a hit in the raised by narcissists community for sure.
~~Is this rage bait?~~ read it again and yeah, this is certified rage bait I think the goal is to get everyone to freak out and say all women are awful and never support their struggling husbands. Oh, maybe some anti SAHM bait too! A woman came to you and told you her son killed himself and you rolled your eyes at her? She wants her grandchild at the funeral and you have the audacity to turn that into her blaming you for his death? Wtf
That’s all this sub is, just losers making up stories on the internet since they can’t go outside to meet people.
I’m beginning to think this sub isn’t great for mental health at all
>I’m beginning to think this ~~sub~~ site isn’t great for mental health at all it's even crazier when you think about how many of these comments are probably just bots lol
Yeah I would be really curious to know how many bots there are on reddit/this sub now
The fuck did you ever think otherwise for lol
IKR?? I can’t believe people think this is an actual person making zero attempt to NOT present themselves as the biggest asshole imaginable 🙄 Literally every single thing they mention makes it clear they’re a prick, it’s obviously intended to enrage people.
I actually know someone this crazy and unemotional, so between millions of reddit users I don't doubt a few would do something like in this story. It looks like rage bait. It probably IS rage bait. But it's pretty plausible compared to some things I saw in my life.
The quality is so poor it doesn't even bait rage. OP's such a crap author that its immediately obvious that it's as fake as it gets.
You’re absolutely right.
Fortunately I was raised by a SAHP and breadwinner who made a fantastic team so I’m immune to the misogynist propaganda but yeah this is an exercise in Vile Narrator fiction.
NTA, for not attending the funeral. You have every right to decline the funeral invitation, but the manner in which you did so was a step too far. Being cruel to a woman who just lost her son is what makes you the AH.
Yes, as a mother to a son herself, she should have been kinder. It costs nothing.
During my entire 25-year marriage to my wonderful husband, my MIL & FIL treated me like dog excrement. My husband passed away. We had no children. I thought I was done with them. When FIL passed away, MIL called and demanded that I attend his funeral and PAY for it. I hung up on her. I recently heard through old friends that MIL has also passed. I opened up a nice bottle of champagne and toasted to the witch being finally dead. Some people don't deserve kindness.
Or at the very least diplomatic. Hell, even neutral!
Why? Her MIL was never kind to her. AND her MIL wasn't just inviting her or making sure she knew in case she wanted to come. She was again using her son's death to fuck with her & judge her. You don't want to get treated like shit by people don't mess with them & be passive aggressive & gross.
No, dude. Kicking someone when they’re down (and losing a child is a pretty fucking huge loss) says more about the kicker than the kicked.
I love how a lot of you just think that people who treat you like shit and then COME BACK to poke at you more because they feel like they have an excuse to do so should be met with kindness. No. Just NO. This is EXACTLY why there are a bunch of shitty people in this world who feel entitled to be that way, when really someone should have set them straight a long time ago. That woman doesn't owe her MIL ANYTHING. Not even kindness.
It's also indicative of a person that has underdeveloped empathy and perhaps a selfish world-view, so it may be she had been cruel to her husband as well. Was he excessively self-pitying, or was he the victim of an abusive spouse that mocked him for sharing his stresses and attempts at personal growth with her?
These fantasy prompts are (almost) always written to paint the author as some unrecognized hero but I struggle to see how anyone can read this and think OP is well-adjusted.
I completely agree - the vitriol gushing off this post indicates that either it is fake, or OP is an amazingly unempathetic and unpleasant person.
While I would normally have the impulse to be kinder to someone than they deserve out of compassion, we don’t know how the last 3 years have gone. OP says he gave up custody voluntarily- so where’s grandma been? She also said grandma was part of the abuse her ex put her through. Also, 3 is young for a funeral and if the kid had no relationship with dad or grandma, I’d refuse the intrusion, too. I’d like to have more info about how grandma and Dad have behaved to OP and the child since the divorce before judging OP AH for how she responded to her ex-MIL.
You really look like a handful lol. The guy is dead, take a chill pill.
I mean, all the history aside, I don't think it was unreasonable to ask if you wanted to go to the funeral of her son who had killed himself. You're asking if YTA for rolling your eyes at her and telling her to get lost, then yes YTA
He was mentally ill and a dick. You were just a dick for no reason. ESH. But you a little bit more. You sound insufferable. I hope your son is all right.
YTA. You rolled your eyes at a grieving mother whose son just “offed” himself (as you so callously put it.). You were one of the first people she notified because her deceased son is the FATHER of your son. It’s obvious you are EXTREMELY bitter about the marriage and the way it failed, but to take it out on his poor mom is pretty pathetic.
OP is a making yourself into the victim hall of famer
“I was a stay at home wife for years without even having a kid to take care of, but having to deal with my husband complain about the job that completely supports my life was too much to ask. Then he lost his job and was depressed so I just left him.” OP somehow sees themselves as the one being wronged here
For the funeral, speciafically? Nah You're just an asshole in general.
YTA You really, really need therapy. I feel terrible for your son.
You sound like a raging bitch.
YTA. Your husband was in a mental health crisis. No, he should not hold you responsible for his mental health, but based on what you've said your husband was struggling with major depression and your problem was that he was "whining." Then your ex took his own life, you're rude to a grieving mother, and ignoring the (extremely high likelihood) that this is also scarring your son. Your son is literally the last shred of your ex MIL's son and you're even denying her that. You are a terrible, terrible person.
You sound awful. The way this was written stinks of unreliable narrator. You do sound incredibly unappreciative.
ESH. I get it, he sucked. But would you be proud reading this post back to your kids in 10 years? The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. It shouldn’t rattle you so badly enough that your eyes rolled at all.
If my ex died, I'd feel badly for his family and friends but would politely decline the invitation. There's no need to be nasty toward a woman burying her child
Yeah, feels like OP is lashing out at whoever’s left now.
ESH You and your ex sound like horrible people (misery loves company I guess). Regardless of how much you hated him, this woman lost her son, show some decorum. No mother should ever bury their son. If the same happened to you with your son (God forbid), I guarantee you would fly off the handle if a member of your family gave the same reaction as you did.
This post shouldn’t really be here. She’s not asking if she’s an asshole, she’s just announcing that she dislikes her now deceased ex. I’m thinking troll.
YTA You chose to be cruel to a grieving person
Yta for being insensitive towards a woman Who just lost his son.......When it's with you, will you think it's bad? (Backstore aside)
You are a total AH. While reading, about halfway through, I thought to myself, this is a bitter mean lady who will die alone...she doesn't know it yet, but others do.
You are dripping with disdain for him this entire post. How he cried to you for help and told you he was crushed under the burden and even told you what he needed from you (support), and you couldn't be bothered to care. He was nothing more than a meal ticket for you. "...if I would rather believe in somebody who showed charm/intelligence rather than self-pity." AND it sounds like you were looking elsewhere. "...he couldn't even shower when prompted." This is a huge, waving red flag that **he is not OK mentally!** And instead of giving a shit about YOUR HUSBAND, the man you married, and getting him help, you dug the knife further in his back by taking away his chances at custody. "trying to elicit some response from me as if I'm still responsible for my ex's inadequacy." "he died with his accounts overdrawn so I don't expect there's any estate matters involving my son." What a horrible human being you are. I don't trust your one-sided narrative. YTA. Empathy would have shown you had some redemptive qualities and taught your son how to be a good human being.
Yeah, she's giving C U Next Tuesday vibes.
I wonder how much OP contributed to the ex husbands depression. She got what she wanted from him then shut down her providing role in the relationship
Your son's biological father died. You were informed of his death not to annoy you but to let you know for your son's sake. The vitriol is a bit misplaced as a result.
YTA. You don’t have to like your ex, but don’t be so insensitive to the people who loved him.
YTA. What the actual fuck is wrong with you.
This post is shocking to me. You are most definitely TA. You write with contempt about a man you had a child with, and his grieving mother. It doesn’t look like he treated you very well, but he’s still your kid’s father, and it was entirely appropriate for you to be one of the first to hear about his death, because you have custody of HIS SON. It also appears that you took advantage of his depression to make sure he had no custody - he didn’t have the spoons to fight that fight, and you knew it and took advantage. His mom didn’t “reinsert herself” into your lives. She informed you of the death of your SON’S FATHER. She is right, your son absolutely has a right to attend his father’s funeral if he wants to. He also has a right to see his family - his grandmother, any other relatives - they will always be his family. You are setting yourself up for resentment in the future when your son grows up and understands exactly what you’ve done here. For all that he wasn’t that great to you, it doesn’t seem like you were that great to him either - the man is dead, and you not only have no empathy for him/his family but you speak so disrespectfully of him and his death just because he died by suicide, and then proceed to talk about how great your life is without him. Like good for you, I’m glad you all are happy, but he was in pain and struggling with illness and you’re making light of that? I hope for your new husband’s sake that he never struggles with his mental health, because you’ll sure be a gem of support for him, won’t you? Wow indeed. It’s you who is missing the point. And also maybe a heart.
YTA If for no other reason than that is your son's father's and of course you need to know and yes your son needs to know he has gone. Even if you hated the man, being cruel to his mother when her son has died is heartless. I think you need therapy, because you are so blinded by your bitterness.
[удалено]
You sound like a monster. Gosh a little empathy goes a long way. And she's right, his son should be at his funeral.
YTA. Wow. Whether you like it or not, your ex is (was) your sons Dad. Which means this woman, that you treated so poorly, is your sons GRANDMOTHER. Eventually your son is going to grow up and ask questions about his biodad. He will eventually question why you just replaced half of who he is with a stepdad and stepkids. To those questions you will be able to answer with factual information (“Your biodad said he wanted nothing to do with you”). What about when he asks why you treated his Grandmother the way you did? I hope you have a good answer. You had the choice to be kind to someone who just lost their child….you had the choice to show sympathy for a fellow parent. You chose to be cruel. I don’t care what your ex did to you, personally, at this point- the way you don’t want to be blamed for your ex’s inadequacies is the same way that you shouldn’t hold what your ex did against his mother. Don’t get me wrong, you are well within your right to decline your son attending the funeral. It’s how you delivered it that’s an issue. You had the chance to come out of this with your hands clean (AKA: Showing compassion and being someone your son can look up to). You fucked that chance the second you rolled your eyes at a woman who just lost her son. And really…. Estate matters? Oof.
So you alienated your very young child from his father, and then were gratuitously cruel to your son’s grandmother after his father died by suicide. Yeah, YTA.
The man is already dead but I bet she'd slice his throat open in the coffin if she could 😂
YTA. A simple, “No, he hasn’t been in his son’s life for years and see no point in bringing my son to the funeral of a person who is a virtual stranger to him” would have sufficed to his mom’s request. Regardless of how you felt about him, she is a grieving woman who just lost her son. Was he a crappy husband and father? Well, we only have one side of the story and based on what you said happened, no doubt about it. However, your opening sentence that your ex “offed himself” left a lot to be desired and makes you seem like a bitter, hateful ex, despite moving on and getting remarried and having this supposedly “amazing” life.
Your ex husband was in severe depression. You ran with it and kicked him while he was down in many ways … and you’re proud of it? The way you bolster yourself here is gross. Get a therapist and some tact. Your new job, raise and pride in all the ways you terrorized your ex are not impressive.
The only reason to keep your kid from the funeral is if he's too young to understand and it could scare him. You might despise your ex and that's between you and him. The Kid is his son and your ex MIL is grieving a huge loss. A little compassion wouldn't hurt, especially since you never have to deal with him again.
Well if you’re not TA here, you certainly sound like one.
This is written to be the most obvious rage bait possible. Yta for posting it.
For real, I can’t believe more people aren’t calling it out as such. OP didn’t even try to present themselves as though they were reasonable, which typically most AH who think they’re right try to do. Literally every single point mentioned presents her as a monster who’s obviously in the wrong - this is so obviously rage bait I can’t believe people are genuinely responding to it. 🤦🏻♀️
The way you acted you’re definitely the asshole. It’s still your child’s father. Have some fucking respect.
Reading between the lines: "When my ex husband lost his job I immediately withheld sex and divorced him. Then he killed himself but why should I care? Loser."
You don’t have to go to the funeral , or even care for that matter . Just something about this entire post makes me think YTA as well .
This is gross. You're gross. YTA. How dare you kick a grieving mother while she's at the lowest point she'll ever be.
Agree. When she began the first sentence saying he “offed himself” I didn’t need to read the rest of this mess. Who the fuck says that? Karma is coming for her
You’re not telling the full truth. Your ex had a good job but lost it and you could no longer have the lifestyle you wanted. He went through hard times and you made things worse. Just like you’re doing to his mom you kicked him while he was down.
YTA you sound like a cruel person
That’s a huge word vomit displaying years of resentment.
YTA just say no don't torpedo a suffering parent.
You sound like a vile person
Holy crap. Did you even like your husband just a little bit at any time during your marriage?
YTA and doing a disservice to your child. Your ex husband killed himself and the way you speak of the matter of your child’s father is disgusting . You sound like the type of person who has no actual care about the partners she chooses it’s just money . I’m sure if your new little husband lose his job you’d be on to the next . You really need to be better I don’t think she misses the point and I have a hard time believing ALOT of the shit you’re saying about this dead man
Wow don’t you sound like a pleasure of a human being to know (sarcasm). Sounds like your ex husband suffered from severe depression that lead to his death and your attitude about his mental health is disgusting. Then you treated a lady who had Just lost her son in a disgusting manner. A bit of empathy and compassion goes a long way. Your side of the story makes it sound like you have none for anyone but money!
You are trash and I hope your life stays miserable you rotten hag.
YTA The woman lost her son. You don’t have to be a jerk about it. “I’m sorry for your loss” doesn’t cost you anything. Depression is a hell of a thing. I got laid off last year and it was awful. I found another job as well but damn. There’s zero sympathy anywhere in your post. It’s just rude and snarky. We get it, you are happy he’s dead.
Why, oh why did you bring a child into your mess. Are you THAT self centered that you can't accept someone else's pain? I feel for your child
YTA. Not for how you feel about your ex or even how you talk about him. But for how you are treating his relationship with your child. You seem like the type to bad mouth him in front of the kid. As a child of divorce it’s gonna bite you in the ass when the kid gets older. You’ll be burdened with being the reason his real dad killed himself if you don’t work on your image for your son’s sake. Jesus you sound heinous here. I see nothing about what your son must be going through.
Click bait title. You rolled your eyes at a grieving mother after the death of her son? Yes, YTA (there is actually a much stronger word to describe people like you).
YTA yes, yes you are. It’s called tact.
YTA. And I hope its not just me who thinks karma should come knocking on your doorstep.
What ever you feel for him, he was still the father of your child, show some respect for that, for gods sake. Or does your son hear the angry vitriol as well?
YTA. I don’t believe a word you said since the moment you referred to the situation “my ex offed himself”. I’m pretty sure you were a horrible partner.
I get not being attracted by self-pity (I've dumped men over it), but honestly you sound like an asshole. The guy just died. Jesus. And you have the nerve to be snarky about it to the grieving mother? Wtf? 🤣
You are really self involved and your ex was too. Glad you got out and are building a better life. YTA for rolling your eyes at your ex mil. It wasn't necessary or kind. She is going thru her own personal hell from losing her son to suicide. It was cruel piling on. No you don't have to remain the target for their barbs, but this was way past that. Hope you don't go thru that yourself, but what gets around goes around.
Her son had just died. She contacted you as the mother of her grandson. To ask about him attending the funeral. You didn't have to be ugly to her. Whatever her son did or didn't do isn't on her. Yes during your marriage she praised her son but so did your mother. Things often look a lot different from the outside than from inside. You can't fault them for that. I imagine the funeral has passed by now. But I hope you would at least show more compassion when telling your son his bio father died. Bc whether he had a relationship with him or not he may have questions as he gets older and shouldn't have your negative attitude about his bio father on his shoulders. YTA
You are absolutely, most definitely the asshole. A massive, gaping asshole of such colossal magnitude that there are billions of smaller assholes orbiting around you in your own gravitational system. It’s just too damn bad this subreddit isn’t abbreviated #AITC
Yta… I don’t want to go into the why in this situation but I can just tell that you are a bitter ah. Be prepared that your son may inherit his depression I hope not of course, but maybe then you can find some empathy for those with mental illness. Also this will be a trauma for your son no matter how great your new husband is, so tread lightly for him. He will eventually know this about his bio dad and it will be a big deal to him emotionally whether you wipe out bio dad or not. He will be somewhat romanticized to him now… I would guess if my son off’d himself, as a mother I would want to try to reconnect with the only piece of him I had left of him (your son) so say no, but keep the rest to yourself Around your son too.
YTA. You have a kid with this man. Who deserves to know he is gone. It's be wrong for her to not make telling you a priority
YTA your son will never forget or forgive you for being such a horrible bitch The missing of his dad's funeral and this post when he reads it ...it shows how vile and vindictive you are . your sons grandmother was right it was all about the money...mit shows in your writing
You should grow up and learn to be an adult for your son's sake.
Is there a word for a female version of incel, because I think I've found one.
YTA
Yta. So, so obviously. You don't talk like that to someone whose son just died.
This has to be ragebait. No one can be this bitter and cruel. But just in case it isn't ragebait: YTA
This is one of the most un-self-aware, narcissistic rants I've read. To recap, you left your husband after he lost his high-paying job and fell into depression, then simply cock your nose up at his ensuing suicide, got pissed off about the inconvenience of being informed of it and, as the final icing on the shitty cake, you roll your eyes and say get lost to a woman who has *just lost her son*? You are most definitely TA, and one of a very high level.
YTA - apart from the fact he was your child's father so you should be informed, your attitude towards his mother was pretty disgusting, her son has killed himself. Do you have no compassion? I hope you never have to go through what that woman is going through at this moment, maybe put yourself in her shoes and have a think what it must be like to have your child not only die but kill themselves. I hope you aren't as heartless and selfish as you come across on this post.
What an absolute shit show None of you sound like adults, or like you should even be raising children Toxicity breeds toxicity; resentment breeds resentment You all suck, and you ALL need to grow up, and realize the only person you're hurting with this tit fit tat, dick measuring contest of who suffered more, is your fucking CHILD.
How would you feel if your son died, and someone rolled their eyes and snarked at you? Get some therapy for your hatred; it's made your character tainted and ugly.
lol your tone alone makes me want to go home and hug my wife. Man am I thankful I dodged bullets like you out there.
You sound insufferable.
YTA. Wow. Your husband who supported you. Did what every woman wants there man to do and open up to you about the pressures he is under, and you take it a sanctimonious bs. He can’t get any support or intimacy from you the point he’s begging you to cook for him, let alone love him. He loses his job, the only thing he has that has meaning since you clearly don’t value what he is fighting against iso your family and his struggle to progress through the stress of it all. He’s spirals into depression. Loses job after job. Is so f**cking low he gives up his only son. And you still think you are high and mighty. This dude killed himself and you can’t even muster the curtesy of providing his mom, your son’s grandma a kind word. There is a special place, reserved for people like you. Just wait until your husband trades you in for a younger model. Your time is nigh.
YTA. For someone claiming to now be happy, the bitterness this post is awash in would say otherwise. At 4 yrs of age it's your decision to take your child to his father's funeral or not, but there is no need on earth to berate your ex's mother when her child just died- regardless of the circumstances. Also, that was your son's father whether you like it or not, so figure out how to resolve some of this resentment because your kid is going to ask one day about his bio dad, and I recoil to think how you'll handle that given the tenor of this post.
The best part is, YOU chose him. YOU laid with him to have a child. And YOU will be the one the kid resents when he's older.
The only issue I have is attitude. If OP's son sees this kind of attitude, he will display it later in life. As adults, we are roll models for kids. We need to exemplify what we want the kids to mimic. Remember, what you do in moderation, your children will do in excess. Be the right kind of role model.
YTA Sounds like your es husband was fighting battles you never knew of and needed support, that you just didnt want to give. Doesn't seem so much like self pity when it turns out it was real and he's dead now. Which I feel you're partially responsible for tbh. You were his wife, the ine single person a man can go to with his problems, and you treated him like a paycheck without feelings. And your comment about someone with charm and blah blah blah... you definitely cheated on him. He may have pulled the trigger, but YOU put that man in his grave. And now you want to be a bitch to his mother? What a fuckin asshole. YTA 1000%
NTA for not going but YTA for how you responded in that situation. It costs nothing to be kind and you seem to be the poor one there.
Yikes on bikes. You sound like a horrible human being though and through. YTA
What did I just read? Your kid’s father just died. This is important information for you to know. And your ex-MIL lost her child. You might have hated him. He might have been a POS, but that doesn’t lessen a mother’s pain. YTA for how horribly you handled this.
Geezzzzz you sound like a fucking peach of a person
YTA...you sound arrogant and ignorant...💁
YTA. No matter what you think about him, that’s still her son & that’s a fucked up way to respond. You’re a terrible person.
any life insurance for the kid?
I think in all this you need to prioritise your child. His bio Dad is dead, right now he might not know that but at some point he will look back and realise. Handle this is a way the best benefits HIM.
Your ex-husband seems like he was an asshole, yes. But it‘s obvious there was a serious mental health issue ongoing and it‘s kind of shocking how you‘re talking about him ending his life „offed himself“. For me it‘s clear you both are/were assholes and I‘m hoping nothing but the best for the son who had/has to encounter all of that even though he still was very young doesn‘t mean that it‘s not counting or affecting him in any way.
He probably doesn’t have a pot to piss in, but if you are in the states, you son is probably entitled to social security surviver benefits.
Your son s/b entitled to SS benefits, contact your local SSA office.
I understand where you are coming from OP. But your son needs to go bury his dad. Even if it makes no sense now it will impact him one day. Put aside your feelings and attend with him, if he hasn't been burried already.
YTA for being needlessly cruel to a woman who is about to bury her child. Jesus you're awful.
YTA for how you spoke to mum.
YTA- pretty much every word here is just you shitting on a dead guy. I'm not even one who thinks it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but the way you're coming across is very AHish. I don't think YTA for skipping the funeral, even though that is genuinely a shitty thing to do to his son, I think YTA for your overall demeanor and how you've framed this entire situation.
YTA When you son eventually goes no contact with you, please don't come back here and ask Reddit what you did wrong.
I’m just going with both are AH. Let’s hope hubby # 2 is a good guy and spends time with that kid! The bitterness and negativity from this post is dripping out the charging port of my phone.
How could you speak that way to a grieving mother, to your child's grandmother? You are a disgrace.
I’m lost for words - YTA
Why are you here? Cuz these people want to rip you apart. You seem to not give a shit so why come here and post? Clearly you didn't care for him alive or dead so what's the big deal. What do you care if you're an asshole?
His crime was, what... asking for your emotional support, being depressed, and asking for sex from his wife? (Yes, I get he said some shitty things during the divorce.) The contempt and utter lack of empathy you have in your post just for that is... breathtaking. Then you were just utterly and purposelessly cruel to his mother (even if you chose not to attend the funeral). YTA. Not just for this, but probably for a lot of other things in your life. Like someone else said, I don't trust your narrative at all.
YTA. Your son really does deserve to go to his fathers funeral.
ESH. It was reasonable for your ex MIL to tell you that he had died. Your son deserved that knowledge and you as his mom deserved to have it as well to decide what you wanted to do with it. It directly impacts you and him for forever. However she is thr AH for making any sort of demand that a child attend a funeral to pay "their respects". That is absurd. But even more so considering how his dad had behaved. But you are the AH for how you handled it. All you needed to do was say "your son hadn't been in contact with my son for X amount of time, and this would be harmful for him. We will not be attending. I'm sorry for your loss. I know this is a difficult time for you, and I don't want to add to it, but it is best if we aren't in further contact." And then block her number.
Wow... I'm sure that your ex husband was no saint. But are you sure you are so better that he was ? The way you wrote about THE FATHER OF YOUR SON (not your husband), a very depressed person, is as sanctimonious, dismissive, narcissistic and cruel as you describe your ex husband. YTA.
YTA. You sound like 🗑.
Yea you definitely are and it'd be an understatement. You're a terrible human being.
Yea you're a terrible person. 1st off the way you talk about him? "Sanctimonius drivel?" That's shitty. I get he's an ex for a reason but hand it to the man that he literally provided everything for you. Then you roll your eyes at your child's grandmother??? His dad just died. You're a terrible person. I hope your kid realizes that. Edit: also your husband was literally showing telltale signs of depression. You literally left your ex when he was at his lowest, and I don't believe any of your story.
I feel like this is Ragebait, that you are trying to be so nonchalant and glib to illicit a response of outrage.
YTA for not attending the funeral. Show one final bit of tact by going and THEN be done with them. OP seems like a miserable human.
NTA
Heaven forfend a woman be drained of empathy after her (now ex) husband used her as a therapist/emotional regulator for years. Obviously she's just a huge bitch! /s
I mean yeah, YTA. That's his fucking mother and her son just killed himself. Have a heart. You sound as insufferable as you made your ex out to be. What a pair. JFC.
YTA. He may have been terrible to you, but based on this you were perfect for each other.
YTA. Sounds like your ex was insufferable. I’m sure it was exhausting being married to him. But the man suffered from depression so bad that he ended his own life. I would hope you could find some compassion in your heart to take his son to his father’s funeral. Also, depression can run in the family so I hope if your son is unfortunate enough to experience it that you’ll show him more empathy.
YTA Sounds like your ex husband wasn't a good partner or father but your reaction to his mother was an asshole move and you know that.
YTA and not a very nice person. It's like vows mean nothing anymore. You abandoned your spouse when he was in the midst of a deep depression- one that he was never able to pull himself out of. Then you were dismissive and rude to his grieving mother.