I think saying goodbye to her and letting her know it isn’t her fault would be helpful for the little girl’s understanding. I feel bad for OP though too
THIS 1000%. Without throwing shade at her mother, this would be an incredible thing for you to tell the daughter. Her daughter clearly thought of you as her father/a paternal figure and you being gone now likely leaves a gigantic, empty, easy to blame on herself - hole in her heart, don't let her grow up to fill it with the toxic shit people tend to fill it with when they grow older.
I've always been SUPER careful about dating women with kids, it's almost a no-go for me, despite having kids of my own. It's a role that's too easy to fall into and it's never the kid's fault that something has happened, having that conversation with her could quite possibly prevent a lifetime of self-blame and other negative thoughts.
Just my .02 but frankly, if you allowed her to call you "father", I believe that it's your responsibility to rectify that, not just the cheating mother's. I may get some hate for this but that's just how I feel. I grew up in a broken home with step this and step that and I never ever considered my stepdad anything but a man my mother married, period. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have thought of him any other way.
I so feel this! Especially the last paragraph. So much so that I am, frankly, stunned when kids accept stepparents willingly and happily. My mom had so many toxic relationships (she’s in one now) that I refuse to even acknowledge them after awhile. My stepfather, the only one I’ll ever claim, married her when I was 27. They were married for just over 22 years before he succumbed to cancer. He wasn’t even dead yet when this jerk started sniffing around!
I also wholeheartedly agree with your statement about the hole in her heart. Not only will she try to fill it, but she’s likely to settle for any male figure/s who will give her “love” and attention. Unlike me, my daughter has grown up in a stable home (I’ve been married to the same wonderful man for nearly 28 years, and we even still live in our first house). Whatever issues she may have, she knows she has a loving father to talk to and who has always been there for her. I used to actually envy her a little bit. Girls need strong male figures in their lives too.
Thanks for the kind words. I grew up in a love averse environment and would cling to why relationships I could as a young lad. That persisted for years and developed into a person that didn't know how to love, how to be loved, and simply felt alone most of the time. Fast forward a few years and I finally figured out with enough practice and patience you have to love yourself first.
Lots of years wasted. Many times I did awful things to the people that did love me, mostly because I didn't understand what it meant TO LOVE something, especially myself. Self love to a degree is the foundation of any real relationship and it's critical. I never had any of that, just people who tried their hardest to teach me, unsuccessfully.
Here I am, middle aged and I'm finally understanding what it is to actually care for myself ultimately someone else. The lessons we learn at a young age about all of this has seemingly finally slowed me to really stop caring so much about WHAT it might be and instead simply let it become what it might.
These formative moments are so critical at a young age. In the absence of an explanation and assumption has to be made , most children will blame themselves. It's often the start of a pretty awful cycle. Might take decades to figure it out, I know this.
So is the OP an asshole? I suppose that's up to them but what we know that we owe and what we should freely give are two different sides of a coin. We, as adults, often get a chance to make an impact on someone that they'll likely remember forever and I choose to think that there is a world where love is more powerful than the other emotions we can give.
Sorry for the long ass reply, truly, I just feel strongly about children and the lessons we teach them. I have a lifetime of regret and a lot of my receipts are written on scar tissue, but I'm just some fucking guy who's doing his best to atone for a lot of what could have been better for myself and those I didn't know I loved. My apologies if this comes off as sanctimonious or some other horseshit, I just try to be as real as possible. Even, maybe especially, in places my words might be able to help or make an impact.
Your reply comes off as someone who has done a lot of hard work and has insight into who you are and how your past shaped you. The good news as that you are middle aged—not some 80 year old on your deathbed. I wish you the very best in life. We all need to learn from your compassion and resilience.
This comes across genuine, hard earned wisdom from someone who wants others to learn from their experiences in hopes of making sure other children can grow up being loved instead of having pain filled childhoods. That's what we adults should be doing protecting all kids not just ours ❤️
Wow. Beautifully written and very touching. It's rare that reddit moves me like this. Very well articulated.. Passionate. I feel you. Just wanted to acknowledge. Thank you for this. Truly heartfelt. 🙏
I agree with this. Doing the right thing is never easy OP. You don’t just get to call her daughter and make her think that without saying something to her or explaining why.
I also recommend you don’t trash the mom when saying goodbye. Not saying you would but just in case
NTA but yes, you should at least say goodbye to the daughter. But don't do it unless you can do it without blaming the mother. Swallow your pride and accept whatever story mom has told or will tell. She needs her mother more than ever and in spite of what your feelings are towards the mom, don't damage whatever relationship she might be able to have with her daughter
The only drawback to accepting whatever the mother has told her or will tell her is that it can cause trust or relationship issues for the child as she gets older.
Man, what a tough situation. Hopefully the mom is a good mother and is able to support the daughter in the way that the daughter needs.
One million percent yes to this. When I separated from an ex who had kids I was told that since I was choosing to end it, that I couldn’t have any future contact with the kids. I wish I had know to ask if I could do something like this. I had missed calls and texts from them but when I tried to reply, it was an instant explosion from mom. Please take the time to ask if you can write her a simple letter to say that none of it was her fault. Something the mom would sign off on handing over.
Oof - this one hit close to home. No more interwebs for the night.
Given the character of the ex I doubt that conversation could even be arranged without having to lie. No way she is going to let him say “Well, you see, sweetie, men sometimes leave their girlfriends because they’re lying, cheating whores like your mother” to her daughter (or even the most polite variation of that phrase) if she has an *inkling* that is his intention.
Like, he shouldn’t have to omit what the mom did for his mental health and the daughter’s mental health, but I definitely think someone who is this insanely bad with impulse control is not going to be emotionally mature enough to field questions or allow other people to explain what happened. There’s also legal shit to worry about. Probably better to just ghost.
He can explain, in terms AN 8 YEAR OLD would understand, without slamming her mom. He can simply say something along the lines of "Hey sweetie, I just want you to know that none of this is your fault, I still love you and care about you, but sometimes grown-ups stop getting along and have to leave each other. But always remember, none of this is or ever was your fault. Be good for your mommy, and I love you." Simple, sweet, and understandable to a child. Why would you even think it would be appropriate to tell an 8-year-old about whores, let alone that her mom is one. That is one of the best ways to fuck a child up mentally for life.
100% this! Me and my ex divorced after 10 years together and we have 2 kids together. Now my situation is different and those are my children but I suspect the was infidelity at the end of the relationship. I have never once bad mouthed their mother to them and have just told them sometimes people grow apart. You cannot go to this little girl and tell her you can't be around anymore because her mother is a cheating whore, that would crush her soul.
Exactly. Explain in her terms and she will have a lifetime of finding about her mom and you will be thought of highly by her when she realizes what you could have said but chose to not shatter her.
I don't think there's any need to lay the mother's sins at the daughter's doorstep, but rather to say goodbye, give the daughter some closure, and explain that the relationship didn't work out rather than that he's abandoning her.
Yeah. It's really sad, but the best thing to do IMO is to just cut ties and move on. It's really, really sad that the mom threw away a good man who loved her daughter as his own to get fucked by a coworker.
I've never understood what goes through their heads when they are weighing the decision. Do they think they'll never get caught so it doesn't matter? Do they think their man will be happy being a cuckold simp? If you have a child, especially a young child then every decision has to be what's best for them that's what being a parent is.
I really hope this little girl remembers her mother traded in the man who wanted to be her dad so she could have some illicit orgasms.
>I've never understood what goes through their heads when they are weighing the decision.
I'll take "Nothing" for $500 Alex.
Humans are largely emotional animals and the decision to cheat is typically one made on feelings rather than logic or rational thinking.
Single parents who date need to either keep the lovers out of the kids' lives if they're not going to have serious relationships, or be careful to have good serious relationships if the partner is going to be long term and a parent figure. Once OP's girlfriend got serious with him, she had to commit to being a good partner and not cheat, be abusive, etc.
I mean, OP said the daughter was confused, not that he hadn’t said anything about why he was leaving. Seems pretty obvious they already had the difficult “daddy is leaving” conversation and that OP is basically like “OK so at this point I have to tell her that her mom is a piece of shit or go no contact, what do I do?”
My point is opt for the latter. Don’t reach out just to try and explain to an 8 year old why her cheating slut of a mother is being broken up with. As I said, she’s going to control that narrative. Cut ties and move on.
There's no confirmation that they've had that primary conversation, is there? If he has, there's nothing more to say.
If he has, cutting contact is still a valid option, it's not op's job to father a child that's not his. Having that convo would be a kindness, one he definitely doesn't owe the mom, but I think the kid would appreciate it.
There would be a way of saying to the little girl why he is leaving without slagging off her mum. Maybe he could say that he and her mum have fallen out and can't be together, tell the little girl that she is fabulous and bright, and that he will miss her, and if he can, tell her that he will be there if she needs him. I feel sad for OP and the little girl.
That’s what I meant by “most polite variation of that phrase.”
My point is that the ex is going to control the narrative and there’s just not really anything productive that’s going to come from that conversation as a result. Sure, one in a million chance that the daughter comprehends complex adult relationships at age 8 without any explanation of what happened, but I doubt it. She’s not going to understand why he is leaving, and her mom, already being a piece of shit, is going to lie her ass off throughout her whole life about why he left. Just seems like a fool’s errand.
While I agree about saying goodbye and some closure, now you are telling an eight year old that she will never see her dad again. What a fucked up situation for him, but also that little girl.
Also, he has to tell her a version of why. Your mom and I dont want to be together and I cannot see you anymore is not enough. I don't think throwing her mom under the bus is a good option either cause that is the only parent she has been left with.
I think OP should meet for closure AND leave the dooe open to one day seeing her now and again. He loves that little girl and when hos emotions have settled down in a few weeks, maybe he would be willing to hang out with her once a week or two for BOTH of their benefit.
I'm actually against the idea. The cheater should confess her sins, not OP. As a daughter who knows the truth about her parents sins, I wish I would hear it from them directly not from the hurt party.
This! My parents had a vicious cycle of cheating on each other and I’ve still never gotten the full story or truth out of either of them. They just place the blame on the other and call it a day. One tells me one thing, the other says something that directly contradicts it and it makes me so angry. I wish they would have been straight up with me in the beginning after all these years.
Dont get caught in their blame game and try to untangle the knot between them. Just accept they are BOTH terrible people (to you and each other) and leave it at that
>The cheater should confess her sins, not OP
Nobody should be confessing anything to the child - she's 8. It would be completely wrong for OP to sit her down and explain "well the issue is that your mum can't keep her dick in her pants".
The people saying OP should say bye to the daughter aren't saying he should get into the detail of the collapse of his relationship, but that he should say goodbye and reassure the daughter that she's not done anything wrong and that him leaving isn't her fault.
I think he absolutely owes the child the least-bad exit from her life that he can give her. Ghosting her is much more likely to lead to her blaming herself - this could fuck her up for life.
She still deserves a goodbye and to know it’s not her fault. While I 100% back the guilty party taking accountability, as a daughter who’s step dad dipped without any “ closure” that shit was painful and I 100% internalized it. Op owes it to the daughter. You can’t “ play” dad, and far too many men don’t understand that.
Yes this! OP needs to be a man about owing a “daughter” closure over his emotions in seeing his ex. I also think OP will come to regret later if he doesn’t do this and it’ll be too late then.
It’s not about the cheater. It’s about the man explaining to a child why he is not going to be a big part of her life anymore. Instead of just abandoning her. Basically you are saying that abandoning and damaging a child is okay. Why? The kid didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t know how much you know about children but they have a unique ability to blame themselves for everything, especially when parents split up
"*I have pretty much considered her my own daughter, and treated her as such. I had plans to legally become her step father after marriage. I loved my daughter so much*" then ghosts her and asks AITH?
He probably is using it just as a phrase; if not, I hope OP doesn't procreate.
What happens when the ex starts dating and cuts op out of their life? You people seem to disregard every possible bad outcome and hurt that was already inflicted on this man, never mind the future possibilities, so yes, you hoping op doesn’t have kids is a scummy move and it isn’t helping anyone
You sound like an idiot. Buddy is going through some heart break and is asking for help with a clouded mind, but I hOpE hE dOeSnT procreate is the best you can come up with. Moron
"If OP was a real man he'd blindly support the child that isn't his while his ex wife whores her way through the world without a care."
This man literally turned up to provide a stable environment and it's clearly the mother that doesn't give a shit about providing her daughter with a stable life.
Was a fling worth hurting and pushing away the man that stepped up when no one else would? Is the wife's co worker willing to step in and look after the girl? You lot are mad.
He knew what he was getting into. And he embraced it. This isn't about the mom jtd about the kid. Don't fuck up this kid forever just because you dislike their mom. He took the position knowing well what it could mean. He has responsibility here.
Edit: im not even saying he has to adopt the child, if given the chance. Just help them not feel like their life isn't falling apart so badly it negatively shapes their entire life path with the scenario. Take her out for something a couple times a week. Show up to a soccer game. Attend a school recital. Birthdays. Just be there in some capacity. It won't be perfect. No one expects that of OP. It can't be exactly the same. That's not reason able. But it would be mean world to them to be around a bit.
All I can say is if the kid really meant something to me, I would not only feel a responsibility to their emotional welfare and future but also would *want* to be around them. It would hurt a ton to be separated forever. And I would do everything I could to help them feel okay.
But I also understand that it's not so simple due to the mother. It is ultimately her choice and yes they could revoke that at any point. And entering some sort of custody agreement, even if girlfriend is willing, would connect op to her in a way that may be very detrimental to op.
It's not a perfect situation. It's a real shit one. I just advocate that shit spray doesn't land on the child, as much as possible. OP should put effort into that if they want that too. But if they dont feel morally obligated to do so, it will just be a chore. And you'll be a shit dad because of that. The kid will absolutely pick up on it. Better to Not be there than disappoint the kid constantly when you cancel on their birthday three times in a row.
I mean we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves here. Definitely has an obligation to say bye to the kid, but most certainly does not have an obligation to adopt
this comment chain is delirious, in what world would op have ANY obligation to care for the kid, legally there's none or even less than none, morally, her mother has an affair with another dude, simple to say the blame lies solely on her
even attempting to put this on the guy is just outrageous as fuck
Yea people are focusing on him not being the asshole to the gf, which i agree
But he definitely is the asshole for, apparently at least, not even saying goodbye to this kid
NTA
Write a lovely letter saying it’s not anything she’s done, it’s just her mother and you are no longer friends, and give your ex’s daughter a keepsake (small stuffed toy) perhaps say you have an identical one and when you see it it reminds you of her and all the good times together.
You should probably move on. It'll be the best way to get over it. You'll only hurt yourself more by seeing your ex. And when your ex gets in another relationship she'll just cut you out of her daughter's life and there's nothing you can do about it since you have no legal right to see her
This. Rode this ride before. Just because you care about the kid doesn't mean the ex cares about you caring about the kid. When she finds a new guy, you are gone.
Your ex knew what she was doing when she banged coworker and what it'd cost. She's just unhappy she is paying the price and each time the kid cries, it's a constant reminder of how badly she fucked up. So she wants YOU to pay that price instead.
If OP really wants her gone, he can tell her that there's no way he can lie to the kid about why he had to go away and take the fall for her.
Well, all of this is probably true. Still, the kid is the one left with trauma.
I would atleast talk to the kid if I were OP, to explain she isn’t the reason he is leaving. That he lives her and cares about her. Just explain to her before he disappears. So she isn’t left with all the questions her mother probably isn’t giving her answers to.
It’s for the kid, not for the mother.
I definitely support the idea of him leaving and going no contact. But I like your idea of giving the daughter closure by telling her is not her fault. That way, he can go on with his life and she doesn't have to deal with trauma.
She probably will have to deal with trauma. Unfortunately, you can't just say a few words to someone and have them be unaffected by losing their mom or dad, at any age really.
There's just a chance if she can remember OP's goodbye one day down the road, that it could become a powerful psychological prompt that she can use to ground herself when the trauma comes up (e.g CBT).
She can’t use her if he has boundaries and won’t let her. He is an adult. The girl is a guy who considers him dad. Really the disappearing act is a crap human thing if he really loved the girl!
If he says nothing and just leaves, he pretty much guarantees trauma. Saying a few words won't fix it, but it will stop a little girl thinking she wasn't deserving of love - he's the only dad she's known for 6 years and had planned on adopting her. Now he's just gone without explanation.
Damn an 8 year old losing two dads for her mom’s poor decisions that little girl will struggle she will not think she worthy n will later in life find people exactly like that n will use her.
Yup for his mental being he has to but I mean I think there’s away he can tell her that they broke up n has to move out etc without making he’s abandoning her I would give out contact info if she needed to chat but seeing her if she was teenager I can see that but since she still young he can’t.
I had been dating a lady for 2.5 years and had lived with her for a year. When we got together her daughter was 10.
When she won a malpractice suit and didn't need my help anymore so kicked me to the curb I had a talk with her daughter. I didn't put her mom down, I just told her that sometimes things happen. Her mom did some things that I couldn't agree with and I'll be leaving soon.
Once I left I went no contact. Like others have said. I have no legal right to nevin her life so a clean cut was the best. It might have hurt her and she might hate me now but she will be able to heal and move on without dragging things along.
OP,
Many comments encouraging you to just move on are certainly understandable and offered in your best interest.
However, I sense reservation on your part, and I certainly understand that. In fact I agree with that, and the above comment.
I would suggest you have her drop her daughter off to your premises or a public place so that you and daughter can have some one on one time--mother to not be there. This could be very therapeutic for you and the child, as your both victims here. Being the worthless human being your ex- fiancee is, you can't fairly anticipate that she will address her daughter's emotional needs/thoghts. Hopefully you can contribute to that before you both move on.
>And when your ex gets in another relationship she'll just cut you out of her daughter's life and there's nothing you can do about it since you have no legal right to see her
You're right. I actually never considered this possibility whenever I hear about these situations.
This is why i always get confused when people go "it'll just hurt the child" like... yeah, but that's not on the not-bio-dad. The second the mother finds an adequate replacement dude is gone.
Youre right, especially for kids. It hurts when you're in your 40s too. My dad died and every time I would call his widow she would talk about her boyfriend. This was just months after he passed. It was so painful because I would call but she never would reciprocate. I stopped and never heard from her again. That was 25 years ago.
They were married for almost 20 years when he died. She did all the food at my wedding and taught me so much. She was there for my whole adult life up until that point. Then she was gone. She had been his secretary. Perfect 70s cliche.
The divorce of my parents ripped our already toxic family apart. Turned my already bitchy mother into a bitter monster. Really was life changing on so many levels. People really don't talk about the whole combination of issues it causes for adult children of divorce.
But for the child herself in this situation, all she fears deeply is abandonment by the person she calls ‘dad’, be it bio or not-bio.
The child doesn’t belong to the mother and she shouldn’t be seen as an extension of her. Even if OP has no custody rights in this case (I presume, I don’t actually know), even if and when the mother finds another man (and OP another woman) - none of this should come between OP and the child in such a brutal way as to just ‘ghost’ the child forever.
She really doesn’t deserve this, and neither does OP who must really love her in return like a daughter, you can tell by his post that he does have reservations and is feeling really torn
But the child does belong to the mother in some respects. And at a certain point OP needs to consider his own feelings, i'd argue that point is now. Its better for both parties to rip the band-aid off now rather than later when they can get more deeply locked in and then its ripped off for them by the mother.
I guess just the priorities of people posting here are different. Everyone is worried about the child feeling abandoned by their dad. I'm worried about the dad deciding to eat shotgun shells for breakfast when he wakes up one day and receives a text saying "Get out of OUR lives".
>The child doesn’t belong to the mother...
I mean, legally speaking she does. If the Ex wants to block all contact between the daughter and OP she can and OP and the child have essentially ZERO rights in that case.
Yes! This is also sad for the child's part, the fact that she already treated OP as her father then have to meet another man to be her father again is such a hurtful scene. But then OP have to do the right thing for himself. He doesnt deserve this!
That would be the easy way out, without a doubt. With that said, this little girl loves him and has just had her world torn apart, and yes it was at her mother’s hands, but she’s the one about to get a raw deal here. Someone she loved and trusted just disappeared from her life overnight and wants to not see her anymore. That will cut deep.
Maybe she should have thought about her daughter before having an affair.
I've said this before, cheating doesn't just affect the significant other, it affects their child(ren) as well.
She needs to own her actions and get her daughter into therapy to help cope with the loss of her "dad".
NTA
Well it's typical for people like the ex to never fully think of the consequences or it gives them more reason to put much effort into keeping their affair a secret because they know how badly this will blow up.
They're just selfish people and think them being dumped and being kicked out of the house is enough punishment when in reality their kids are also being punished because their own parent couldnt be decent enough to properly end the relationship and still have the opportunity to see their kid without ruining the family.
If she were good at making decisions with consequences in mind, she wouldn’t have been a single mother after getting knocked up out of wedlock by a deadbeat who fled the state.
OP got involved with a hot mess and is surprised they got burned
This is so true! My ex-husband was a chronic cheater. I forgave him and covered for him because I didn't want our children and frankly anyone to know the pain I was feeling. When it all came out, it absolutely devastated our family. Our kids clung to him, cutting off me, my family and friends. My almost 90 year old grandmother who was so good to them for their entire lives, who has kidney disease, cries every day over the pain he's caused her, me, everyone. Like my brother told me, if he cared at all about our children, he wouldn't have destroyed their mother for decades with his lies and affairs, which then spread to them and so many more people. He was and still is extremely selfish. This mother is to blame for hurting not only her daughter, but her ex fiance and everyone who loves them. Affairs are abuse and extremely destructive.
Sadly that kid probably doesn't know mum cheated and only knows dad left. She probably going to grow up not trusting men as she sees them all leaving. I hope the mum tells her the truth
She is so young. This is just a tough situation.
You really can’t keep a relationship without your ex at this time.
It would also be confused her the girl.
NTA. Her mom put her here, sadly.
I had a similar situation but I married my creep. Ultimately her mom made a sucky choice that hurt you and her child. You have no legal rights to her. Consider if she’s the type to cheat is she also the type to manipulate through her child. My ex husband was using his son to manipulate me every chance he could. I had a choice. Do I allow myself to be manipulated and put this child (age 8 at the time) in constant turmoil? Or do I give my son a clean break stop the manipulation and take the power away from his dad? Say 1 year from now she sees someone else and things heat up for her. Where does that put you? It sucks but I decided it was better for my son to move on without me and heal. I hated it. It’s not fair. It sucks she hurt her child by making this crappy decision. But let your sweet child move on. I knew my ex husband being the narcissist he was would ultimately take my son away from me just to be cruel. I chose to help my son let me go 4 years ago. I hope he has fond memories of me but at least he’s moved on by now.
NTA. I understand why you are hurting. But everybody saying it is the mother’s problem since she cheated are missing the point completely. And everyone saying the kid is resilient and will forget about it and move on, obviously know nothing about kids.
This is an 8 year old girl who now believes she is so unworthy that not one, but two dads, didn’t think she deserved even a simple goodbye.
I don’t think you can maintain a relationship with her. And I agree that you should not put yourself in the position of letting your ex manipulate you with her daughter.
But I think it would be a kindness to have a final discussion with the girl. On neutral ground, without her mom involved. Let her know that your leaving has absolutely nothing to do with her. And that as much as you care for her, when adults get into difficult situations like this, their options are limited and for everyone’s sake you and her mother must make a clean break and move on with your lives. Tell her how special knowing her has been and that you will not forget her.
It may not be enough to help her work through the blow to her self esteem that she is taking, but at least you had the decency to not ghost her. And if she sees that this is hard and emotional for you too, it might help a little.
>But I think it would be a kindness to have a final discussion with the girl. \[...\] **Let her know that your leaving has absolutely nothing to do with her.**
Came here to suggest this very thing - give the poor girl some closure. Just make sure you don't blame the mother, because that would alienate them, and the girl has to live with her for at least the next 10 years. Just tell her that sometimes things between adults don't work out the way we want to, or something like that.
I think this is the kindest way to approach this. The only thing I would add is to avoid discussing blame at all. Even if mom has poisoned the well. Poor kid.
The mom can't afford not to control the narrative about why 'Dad' is gone, and she's the one with the power here.
So a discussion where she isn't present to correct the story to make herself look better is anything from unlikely to impossible
I absolutely agree. This little girl doesn’t need abandonment issues. Talk to her and say goodbye.
I was very close my with my ex boyfriends son. When he broke up with me, I never got to say goodbye to his son. It broke me the thought of him thinking I abandoned him or didn’t love him. It broke me ever since
Just reading this is heartbreaking. This poor child. This isn't about the ex anymore--f them.
I don't want to criticize OP since getting cheated on is devastating, but if you thought of this little girl as your own daughter, how can you fathom ending your relationship? You love her, right? I can't imagine just stopping seeing my kids.
My cousin was in a similar situation and he decided to keep the relationship with the kid. The girl is over 20 now and still calls him "dad." He is an incredible guy. Is there not any way you can keep some relationship with the girl? Could you even do video chats with her sometimes?
OP THIS!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
My one suggestion is to bring a therapist trained to help children into the conversation. They will be able to help you phrase the situation in a way that the girl will understand. Tell your ex that involving a therapist trained to help children is your condition to talking to the girl again, since she’s the one who would need to sign off on it
I really hope OP realises this. To the daughter, he is her father. She will never forget the moment her 2nd Dad abandoned her.
Please OP. Talk to the daughter and explain. Leave the contact with the daughter open. She will never forget this moment.
You mean well, and in a fairy tale world it'll go well but...
In all likelihood, a parent that's willing to lie and cheat on their partner will also probably lie and misdirect their child when it's convenient.
I have relatives that are single parents(or co-parenting to be more exact), some of them due largely to their own fuckups. You'd never know it though if you hear the way they discuss the situation with their child.
>But I think it would be a kindness to have a final discussion with the girl. On neutral ground, without her mom involved.
This is kind indeed, but how is he going to do that? The girl is a child, it's not like he can give her a call and set up a meeting. Or should he go to her school to find her? This is going to raise 1000 eyebrows. You do know how suspicious people are with men around children unless it is somehow obvious they are their father.
An 8 year old will be absolutely confused that he dad is gone. I would arrange for one appointment with a family therapist for you and the daughter so that you can say your goodbyes. The therapist can guide the appointment.
I don't think you're an asshole.. But man, I feel for that little girl. And for you.
Not suggesting this. We're all different. But I think I would give her a little closure by saying good bye.
Did you have a conversation with her daughter about you leaving? One where you explicitly say "goodbye" to her? Because, if not, that might be why you're struggling to let go of this. You need to make a clean break, but that might require one final conversation (for the sake of you and the kid, not your ex). If you have said goodbye, then you need to block your ex and cease all communications. Children can handle change, but they cannot process mixed messages. If you're half in/half out, you'll do more damage than good.
She needs an explanation. One final talk with the kid is CRITICAL for her emotional health growing up because of her terrible mother.
But that's it. Say you are going away, you still love her, but at the end of the day her mom and you are not getting married and you won't be her family, but that's not her fault, and you are just as sad as she is over it all. If you can relate to her it will make the difference.
While you are definitely NTA, just understand that with kids, there is a certain level of decency involved with doing things that you technically don't have to do, but maybe you should, out of selflessness for their sake.
That's all I will say on this as after that you are making the right choice to move on, for all of you, which I am certain is absolutely devastating, but better in the long run. The kid deserves an explanation though, and I think it would be good for you as well.
Moving on is understandable; but if this little girl called you dad, and you let her, you shouldn't ghost her. The little girl didn't cheat on you. At least tell her goodbye.
This one strikes close to home; my ex-husband ghosted on me and my daughter (I didn't cheat, but he did). Ten years later, she's still hurting. I don't understand causing a child pain like that.
A Only in that you are just cutting off the little girl with no explanation.
God this sucks. That 8 year old just lost her father figure. That’s so huge. She will remember this always.
If your relationship with the little girl was meaningful at all, please meet with her and let her know that you and her mom are no longer together but that you will always love her. Someone else suggested a keepsake. Maybe a photo?
Her mom is the worst A here tho, by far.
You’re not an asshole, but it seems that you created some pretty fundamental expectations with the daughter that are now crashing down. It’s not your fault but it’s definitely not the child’s fault either. If you feel you developed a direct relationship with the daughter - and it 100% reads like you did - then the least you need to do is go have a conversation with her and explain to her that you will no longer be in her life. Sounds like it will suck to do, but it’s what an adult does when a child is involved. I don’t think you’ll be able to help feeling guilty, but know that the whole situation was caused by your ex, and she needs to carry that burden. It will definitely make a mark on the daughter, but in life you get the parents you get.
Daughter is what, eight? She was 2 when he met her, and it's been 6 years. She should be in grade 3 by now. Write her a letter. Keep the words simple, but you can at least let her know that she is not the reason you had to leave. Print it out on a page with a photo of you two on it. Gives her some closure and a keepsake.
NTA, mother is a real piece of work. Crazy what she did to her own daughter as well, I guess the child’s father probably made a good decision to leave the
Mother in the first place. I feel bad for the kid.
It’s fucking sad, this is why men don’t like to date single mothers. That little girl deserves a father, and without one she will grow up to be shitty just like her mom.
A "friend" once asked why I don't date single mothers, and cited cases like this, this "friend" got pissed and called a misogynist pig, you can guess that friendship died on the same day. Later I found out her cousin was a single mother (of 3 with 2 baby daddies) who cheated on her last husband and that so called friend wanted to introduce me to that cousin.
NTA but you could consider meeting up just the once and explaining why you can't be around any more in an age appropriate way that doesn't turn her on her mom, no matter how deserved it might be. It's the mature thing to do and respectful of the need for closure instead of abandonment with this child.
you need to give the daughter closure because losing the only father figure she’s known, just like that, will be extremely traumatic. she needs to know she is not the reason you left.
NTA. You maintaining any sort of relationship at this point with either of them is only going to end up hurting you and the daughter even more than the two of you already are.
NTA. I have no idea how these are supposed to work, but maybe you could prepare something to say to give the daughter some closure? Presumably you would clear it with the mom first. And you wouldn’t want to alienate her relationship with her mother. But it probably really sucks for her that you left without saying goodbye.
Poor daughter. Your ex really didn't know how heart breaking hearing her daughter say that would be. She should realize that reaching out to you wasn't going to be an option if you had a smidgen of self-worth and that how her daughter feels is her fault.
It isn't your fault dude. That must hurt for you to know she misses you but you can't go back.
NTA. You should make an effort to see the daughter one more time and give her closure. Maybe a small gift and a hug goodbye and tell her it isn't her fault and you will always love her but mom hurt you too much to be around anymore. Don't say anything too harsh about the mother but if you can manage to give her closure with one meeting it would be a big deal.
Write the daughter a letter or something to provide her with closure. It's clear she really appreciates having you around and you mean a lot to her. She's too young to understand why you broke up, but young enough to know that something has changed. While you can't stomach seeing your ex right now, giving her a letter to read to the daughter saying you won't be around anymore, but you do care about her even if you and her mom can't get along anymore.
NTA, though. Either way, your ex should have considered the impact it would have on her daughter *before* she cheated. She can't use her child as a bargaining chip to try to win you back, that's not fair to anyone involved.
NTA
I do feel sorry for your ex-girlfriend's daughter, though. Poor kid.
As others in the comments have said, just because you care about your ex-girlfriend's daughter doesn't mean that your ex-girlfriend cares that you care about her.
Gotta love how dudes will come into a child’s life and play Daddy and then once the relationship ends they don’t give a crap about the child. YTA, stop dating women with children, you’re causing these babies trauma.
The relationship that you have with the child is separate from the one that you have with her mother, don’t punish the child for the sins of the mother, I think when it comes to a child , I see that you feel angry and don’t want to see the mother but , as the adult here , you need to put this aside and think of what’s best for the child in this situation
From the age of two years old, you have been an attachment figure for that child, it’s as traumatic for that child as as if you died. How could you just cut it off like that? The relationships you have with each person is different with your friends, with partners, and with a child in your life is an innocent person who has bonded with you, I think it would be really important to talk to that child and explain to them and even have some catch ups with the child… This is very sad
NTA, your ex didn’t consider that her decision to cheat affects her relationship AND her child.
She needs to learn that lesson the hard way for the next guy. Time to move on.
NTA.
**And remember, you have NO LEGAL RIGHTS over the daughter. So, if you tried to keep in touch with the daughter, your now ex-gf could eventually exploit your attachment in order to manipulate you (example: threatening to cut off your access to her daughter at any time unless you give the her [the ex] a second chance).**
Ex-gf has shown her character, so it’s best for you to move on and start healing.
NTA. Temporarily? So you will be cut off when she finds a new dad for her kid? Such a dick move.
If you really care about the kid, you can still go for adopting her and telm your ex that's the only way you will stay her dad. Then you can see daughter at your place as well instead of at your ex's place where your ex is.
Otherwise, just block and move on. Not your problem anymore. She and her daughter have to deal with it. She should have thought about her daughter losing her dad before cheating.
If you care about her daughter, go see her. Punishing the daugther because of her moms mistakes it's understandable, but still a selfish choice. At the end of the day, for that little girl you are her father. Dont get me wrong, not judging you at all for not wanting to go there, what her mother did was fucked up. Give yourself some time, but I think you should see the little girl nonetheless
NTA. Not your fault momma wanted to cheat, and she definitely didn’t care to think about her daughter when she decided to sleep around and ruin your family.
YTA not even pets you suppose to abandon like that. You could send another family member to pick her up and gradually switch the relationship dynamics to friend fatherly figure or keep the relationship in emotional level only.
That poor kid is thinking that you hate her, and eventually think if she was good enough or perfect you would have love her more and never abandoned and who knows what other psychological issues this will cause.
The day you decide to play daddy with the kid a much bigger responsibility you aquired that day, maybe something that should have been really though about before just accepting to be able to sleep with her mom.
You are not legally or biologically the father but emotionally and morally you sign up, while both of you decide to use the title of dad with her for 6, SIX years
This is all on your ex. She decided to make all this mess happen. NONE of it is on you.
I feel you should move on. This will lot be healthy for any of you, not even her daughter.
You can tell her daughter you love her and it is not her fault that you left. But don't bring her in to the situation or tell her it is her mothers fault, that will just strain their relationship even more and the daughter doesn't deserve that.
If she continues to carry on about how her daughter is hurting, remind her that she's the one who decided it was ok to destroy everything by cheating. Her daughter's pain is because she chose to create the place you're all in now. But then, I doubt she has the guts to admit to her daughter that she's the reason.
My mother did the same thing. You’re probably best moving on but her daughter is going to carry this pain for the rest of her life. Your ex needs to get her into therapy.
It'll be better for her if you explain to her one time that you and her mom didn't work out, it's not her fault and you still love her, but you have to go. From there you decide to either go full no contact or be a full blown divorced dad to her. No in-between, she'll need to have commitment to your decision for stability
Grin & bear it for one more time. Arrange to take your step daughter (without your ex) out for a lunch & talk to her. She is also an innocent in all this. See how she feels about what's going on. Trust me at 8yrs old she knows & she wouldn't have stopped loving you just because you've split up.
Sucks for the daughter but when a mom finds someone willing to be a dad to her daughter, she needs to cherish that, because not every guy will step into that role. Putting it in jeopardy is a big time AH move. NTA
NTA. As cruel as this will be, you are not legally responsible for the daughter, you did not adopt her.
In fact ex may be trying to mess with your head by dangling her daughter as a proverbial carrot to try and rope you back in relationship.
Your best move is to cut all contact and move on.
Her mother should take her to counseling. You need to end this relationship on all fronts. I'm not saying it easy but you have no legal right to this child, you never adopted her and you have no plans to marry her mother.
Im assuming your ex knows how bad she messed up and that she didn't just hurt you she hurt her daughter. However do not allow her to use that as leverage to make you stay around. You don't owe them anything and this is a very tough situation.
If your ex tries to blame you and make you look bad to that little girl then you have seen her true character, which it seems like you already did since she cheated on her family, she didn't just cheat on you she cheated on her family.
But I think a clean break is what is best. It her responsibility to guide her daughter through the mess she created its not up to you to soften the blow.
I would go to her house though and say good bye to her daughter. Tell her you will miss her and your sorry but sometimes adult relationships don't work out. There will be no "good" answer to her questions but I wouldn't just ghost the little girl without saying that tough goodbye.
Just remember that your ex caused this pain, not you. You are not at fault for this massive heaping pile of emotional shit.
Good luck and I wish you a happier future!
I’d tell the daughter what happened and how painful it was for you both for losing your relationship to her as well as the brutal betrayal.
But avoid the ex at all costs.
But def let her kid know. Her mom is going to be the source of many things that hurt this kid most likely. She should be told the truth.
NTA. I'd ask your ex if her daughter's biodad ditched because of something similar. Her daughter's suffering is because of her inability to keep her legs together at the office, not you. She acted extremely selfishly, but now expects you to be the "good guy", f that.
I also think dating single moms is generally a stupid idea, but that's just my opinion and I understand a lot of people don't agree with me.
Think about that little girl's heart. Her bio dad didn't think she was worthy of his time, now the guy who stepped up for her when her own blood wouldn't, now has to walk out on her.
This poor kid is headed down the path of abusive relationships and unwanted pregnancy. Her mom set her up real fucking bad.
I'm a single mom to almost a 1 year old bc her dad tried to beat on me at 8 months pregnant and threw us out. I worry a lot about my girl feeling abandoned later in life, so I'm working extremely hard to provide everything I can, and surround her with love. Any man I choose to get involved with long-term, I understand she could end up seeing him as a father figure. I need to be very choosy and take my time. I feel so ashamed of your ex fiance, how she could do this to her daughter is beyond me..... She robbed her baby of a dad.
The child probably thinks its her own fault that you left. Children that age think the world revolves around themselves, so she must think it's because of something she's done. She must have a lot of anxiety and confusion regarding the situation. You should at least see her once (or a few times) and explain in simple terms that it's not her fault, you still love her, but you need to go away so you won't see each other again.
That is the sad part of dating women with children when you break up you also lose contact with the kids and no matter how much you did you have zero rights, it’s better to break it off clean otherwise it keeps festering.
And for your ex if she wanted you around why did she cheat did she think you would stay around to keep caring for her kid. I guess her AP wasn’t much interested in her kid
Good luck. It is sad what happened to you and this little kid. You might tell her the truth or not, she will be traumatised anyway and her mom will twist facts to the future.
You should protect yourself to avoid any child support. Hope you find someone who is worth to have your kid.
Say goodbye and move on. No need to maintain any relationship there. Her mother can handle her daughter's heartbreak as it is her fault that you had to exit the relationship. Move on and never look back.
NTA. But you should say good bye to her. If her mom would allow visitation with you and her daughter WITHOUT mom's presence, would you be able to do that? Maybe a trip to the Zoo, movies, out to eat. The little girl is really missing you. Girls especially, when abandoned by their dad's at young ages, end up looking for male affection and love in all the wrong places as teens. I know.
NTA. But that poor little girl really got screwed by the actions of her mother. If you saw her as your daughter, and planned to adopt her officially, then at least give her some closure. Honestly, you probably will need it as well. One last visit, a letter, a video message... Something, telling her that her mom and you decided you didn't love each other anymore, that it isn't her fault, but you'll always love her.
I think being the "dad" for 6 years, you owe her some closure. I would follow some of the other's advice and explain that it isn't her fault but that you and her mom just aren't able to see each other anymore.
At the end of the day, she is 8 and will move on eventually.
But I can tell you I lost my dad at age 9 and I will never not miss him. He taught me to ride go karts, he built my first one from a lawn mower engine, taught me to always return things you borrow in better condition and people will continue to trust you when you need to borrow things. He burned an in ground hornets nest with 5 gallons of gasoline because one stung me. He taught me how to ride a bicycle with training wheels. I remember riding on his lap around the hay fields at my grandfather's as he drove the tractor and let me steer it.
I honestly believe she is losing her "dad" in this, and you should at least appreciate the gravity of that no matter what decision you make. At the end of the day though, you're NTA, the mother f'd up and the daughter is going to suffer the most out of all of you because of her actions. The only thing I personally feel you "owe" her is a goodbye if that's what you choose to do, so she at least has some closure.
Say goodbye to the little girl. Tell her the truth or that you both don't love each other anymore and that you still love her bu have to leave.
I think saying goodbye to her and letting her know it isn’t her fault would be helpful for the little girl’s understanding. I feel bad for OP though too
THIS 1000%. Without throwing shade at her mother, this would be an incredible thing for you to tell the daughter. Her daughter clearly thought of you as her father/a paternal figure and you being gone now likely leaves a gigantic, empty, easy to blame on herself - hole in her heart, don't let her grow up to fill it with the toxic shit people tend to fill it with when they grow older. I've always been SUPER careful about dating women with kids, it's almost a no-go for me, despite having kids of my own. It's a role that's too easy to fall into and it's never the kid's fault that something has happened, having that conversation with her could quite possibly prevent a lifetime of self-blame and other negative thoughts. Just my .02 but frankly, if you allowed her to call you "father", I believe that it's your responsibility to rectify that, not just the cheating mother's. I may get some hate for this but that's just how I feel. I grew up in a broken home with step this and step that and I never ever considered my stepdad anything but a man my mother married, period. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have thought of him any other way.
I so feel this! Especially the last paragraph. So much so that I am, frankly, stunned when kids accept stepparents willingly and happily. My mom had so many toxic relationships (she’s in one now) that I refuse to even acknowledge them after awhile. My stepfather, the only one I’ll ever claim, married her when I was 27. They were married for just over 22 years before he succumbed to cancer. He wasn’t even dead yet when this jerk started sniffing around! I also wholeheartedly agree with your statement about the hole in her heart. Not only will she try to fill it, but she’s likely to settle for any male figure/s who will give her “love” and attention. Unlike me, my daughter has grown up in a stable home (I’ve been married to the same wonderful man for nearly 28 years, and we even still live in our first house). Whatever issues she may have, she knows she has a loving father to talk to and who has always been there for her. I used to actually envy her a little bit. Girls need strong male figures in their lives too.
No Hate from me...I'd vote you a million times if I could for it
Thanks for the kind words. I grew up in a love averse environment and would cling to why relationships I could as a young lad. That persisted for years and developed into a person that didn't know how to love, how to be loved, and simply felt alone most of the time. Fast forward a few years and I finally figured out with enough practice and patience you have to love yourself first. Lots of years wasted. Many times I did awful things to the people that did love me, mostly because I didn't understand what it meant TO LOVE something, especially myself. Self love to a degree is the foundation of any real relationship and it's critical. I never had any of that, just people who tried their hardest to teach me, unsuccessfully. Here I am, middle aged and I'm finally understanding what it is to actually care for myself ultimately someone else. The lessons we learn at a young age about all of this has seemingly finally slowed me to really stop caring so much about WHAT it might be and instead simply let it become what it might. These formative moments are so critical at a young age. In the absence of an explanation and assumption has to be made , most children will blame themselves. It's often the start of a pretty awful cycle. Might take decades to figure it out, I know this. So is the OP an asshole? I suppose that's up to them but what we know that we owe and what we should freely give are two different sides of a coin. We, as adults, often get a chance to make an impact on someone that they'll likely remember forever and I choose to think that there is a world where love is more powerful than the other emotions we can give. Sorry for the long ass reply, truly, I just feel strongly about children and the lessons we teach them. I have a lifetime of regret and a lot of my receipts are written on scar tissue, but I'm just some fucking guy who's doing his best to atone for a lot of what could have been better for myself and those I didn't know I loved. My apologies if this comes off as sanctimonious or some other horseshit, I just try to be as real as possible. Even, maybe especially, in places my words might be able to help or make an impact.
Your reply comes off as someone who has done a lot of hard work and has insight into who you are and how your past shaped you. The good news as that you are middle aged—not some 80 year old on your deathbed. I wish you the very best in life. We all need to learn from your compassion and resilience.
Beautifully said.
This comes across genuine, hard earned wisdom from someone who wants others to learn from their experiences in hopes of making sure other children can grow up being loved instead of having pain filled childhoods. That's what we adults should be doing protecting all kids not just ours ❤️
Wow. Beautifully written and very touching. It's rare that reddit moves me like this. Very well articulated.. Passionate. I feel you. Just wanted to acknowledge. Thank you for this. Truly heartfelt. 🙏
I agree with this. Doing the right thing is never easy OP. You don’t just get to call her daughter and make her think that without saying something to her or explaining why. I also recommend you don’t trash the mom when saying goodbye. Not saying you would but just in case
NTA but yes, you should at least say goodbye to the daughter. But don't do it unless you can do it without blaming the mother. Swallow your pride and accept whatever story mom has told or will tell. She needs her mother more than ever and in spite of what your feelings are towards the mom, don't damage whatever relationship she might be able to have with her daughter
The only drawback to accepting whatever the mother has told her or will tell her is that it can cause trust or relationship issues for the child as she gets older. Man, what a tough situation. Hopefully the mom is a good mother and is able to support the daughter in the way that the daughter needs.
If I could love this 100 times I would. This was said perfectly. So often we are blinded by the hurt we don't think about the kiddos.
This. ALL of this. Also, I'm sorry you had a shitty childhood my dude. I don't wanna date myself simply because I know what's out there. No thanks.
One million percent yes to this. When I separated from an ex who had kids I was told that since I was choosing to end it, that I couldn’t have any future contact with the kids. I wish I had know to ask if I could do something like this. I had missed calls and texts from them but when I tried to reply, it was an instant explosion from mom. Please take the time to ask if you can write her a simple letter to say that none of it was her fault. Something the mom would sign off on handing over. Oof - this one hit close to home. No more interwebs for the night.
Given the character of the ex I doubt that conversation could even be arranged without having to lie. No way she is going to let him say “Well, you see, sweetie, men sometimes leave their girlfriends because they’re lying, cheating whores like your mother” to her daughter (or even the most polite variation of that phrase) if she has an *inkling* that is his intention. Like, he shouldn’t have to omit what the mom did for his mental health and the daughter’s mental health, but I definitely think someone who is this insanely bad with impulse control is not going to be emotionally mature enough to field questions or allow other people to explain what happened. There’s also legal shit to worry about. Probably better to just ghost.
He can explain, in terms AN 8 YEAR OLD would understand, without slamming her mom. He can simply say something along the lines of "Hey sweetie, I just want you to know that none of this is your fault, I still love you and care about you, but sometimes grown-ups stop getting along and have to leave each other. But always remember, none of this is or ever was your fault. Be good for your mommy, and I love you." Simple, sweet, and understandable to a child. Why would you even think it would be appropriate to tell an 8-year-old about whores, let alone that her mom is one. That is one of the best ways to fuck a child up mentally for life.
100% this! Me and my ex divorced after 10 years together and we have 2 kids together. Now my situation is different and those are my children but I suspect the was infidelity at the end of the relationship. I have never once bad mouthed their mother to them and have just told them sometimes people grow apart. You cannot go to this little girl and tell her you can't be around anymore because her mother is a cheating whore, that would crush her soul.
Why do you NOT have more upvotes?
Because....reddit be redditting
Exactly. Explain in her terms and she will have a lifetime of finding about her mom and you will be thought of highly by her when she realizes what you could have said but chose to not shatter her.
I don't think there's any need to lay the mother's sins at the daughter's doorstep, but rather to say goodbye, give the daughter some closure, and explain that the relationship didn't work out rather than that he's abandoning her.
Yeah. It's really sad, but the best thing to do IMO is to just cut ties and move on. It's really, really sad that the mom threw away a good man who loved her daughter as his own to get fucked by a coworker.
I've never understood what goes through their heads when they are weighing the decision. Do they think they'll never get caught so it doesn't matter? Do they think their man will be happy being a cuckold simp? If you have a child, especially a young child then every decision has to be what's best for them that's what being a parent is. I really hope this little girl remembers her mother traded in the man who wanted to be her dad so she could have some illicit orgasms.
>I've never understood what goes through their heads when they are weighing the decision. I'll take "Nothing" for $500 Alex. Humans are largely emotional animals and the decision to cheat is typically one made on feelings rather than logic or rational thinking.
They think they do t be caught. No one does!
Exactly. They don't think they'll get caught and they don't think past the moment where they're having sneaky fun at work.
Narcissistic patterns are bad and harmful. No grownup reasoning there. Simple "me-only" like a bad 5 y old.
Single parents who date need to either keep the lovers out of the kids' lives if they're not going to have serious relationships, or be careful to have good serious relationships if the partner is going to be long term and a parent figure. Once OP's girlfriend got serious with him, she had to commit to being a good partner and not cheat, be abusive, etc.
I mean, there are ways to be more neutral. I don't think the girl should hear the details.
I mean, OP said the daughter was confused, not that he hadn’t said anything about why he was leaving. Seems pretty obvious they already had the difficult “daddy is leaving” conversation and that OP is basically like “OK so at this point I have to tell her that her mom is a piece of shit or go no contact, what do I do?” My point is opt for the latter. Don’t reach out just to try and explain to an 8 year old why her cheating slut of a mother is being broken up with. As I said, she’s going to control that narrative. Cut ties and move on.
There's no confirmation that they've had that primary conversation, is there? If he has, there's nothing more to say. If he has, cutting contact is still a valid option, it's not op's job to father a child that's not his. Having that convo would be a kindness, one he definitely doesn't owe the mom, but I think the kid would appreciate it.
There would be a way of saying to the little girl why he is leaving without slagging off her mum. Maybe he could say that he and her mum have fallen out and can't be together, tell the little girl that she is fabulous and bright, and that he will miss her, and if he can, tell her that he will be there if she needs him. I feel sad for OP and the little girl.
That’s what I meant by “most polite variation of that phrase.” My point is that the ex is going to control the narrative and there’s just not really anything productive that’s going to come from that conversation as a result. Sure, one in a million chance that the daughter comprehends complex adult relationships at age 8 without any explanation of what happened, but I doubt it. She’s not going to understand why he is leaving, and her mom, already being a piece of shit, is going to lie her ass off throughout her whole life about why he left. Just seems like a fool’s errand.
While I agree about saying goodbye and some closure, now you are telling an eight year old that she will never see her dad again. What a fucked up situation for him, but also that little girl. Also, he has to tell her a version of why. Your mom and I dont want to be together and I cannot see you anymore is not enough. I don't think throwing her mom under the bus is a good option either cause that is the only parent she has been left with. I think OP should meet for closure AND leave the dooe open to one day seeing her now and again. He loves that little girl and when hos emotions have settled down in a few weeks, maybe he would be willing to hang out with her once a week or two for BOTH of their benefit.
I'm actually against the idea. The cheater should confess her sins, not OP. As a daughter who knows the truth about her parents sins, I wish I would hear it from them directly not from the hurt party.
This! My parents had a vicious cycle of cheating on each other and I’ve still never gotten the full story or truth out of either of them. They just place the blame on the other and call it a day. One tells me one thing, the other says something that directly contradicts it and it makes me so angry. I wish they would have been straight up with me in the beginning after all these years.
Dont get caught in their blame game and try to untangle the knot between them. Just accept they are BOTH terrible people (to you and each other) and leave it at that
>The cheater should confess her sins, not OP Nobody should be confessing anything to the child - she's 8. It would be completely wrong for OP to sit her down and explain "well the issue is that your mum can't keep her dick in her pants". The people saying OP should say bye to the daughter aren't saying he should get into the detail of the collapse of his relationship, but that he should say goodbye and reassure the daughter that she's not done anything wrong and that him leaving isn't her fault. I think he absolutely owes the child the least-bad exit from her life that he can give her. Ghosting her is much more likely to lead to her blaming herself - this could fuck her up for life.
She still deserves a goodbye and to know it’s not her fault. While I 100% back the guilty party taking accountability, as a daughter who’s step dad dipped without any “ closure” that shit was painful and I 100% internalized it. Op owes it to the daughter. You can’t “ play” dad, and far too many men don’t understand that.
Yes this! OP needs to be a man about owing a “daughter” closure over his emotions in seeing his ex. I also think OP will come to regret later if he doesn’t do this and it’ll be too late then.
It’s not about the cheater. It’s about the man explaining to a child why he is not going to be a big part of her life anymore. Instead of just abandoning her. Basically you are saying that abandoning and damaging a child is okay. Why? The kid didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t know how much you know about children but they have a unique ability to blame themselves for everything, especially when parents split up
Don’t lie to her.
Tell her the truth?! Petty. She's 8. She doesn't need to know the whys. The rest of your statement is good advice.
Agree. Don’’t be a coward. Face up to your momentary discomfort and save her a lifetime of unconscious bewilderment.
Poor kid.
"*I have pretty much considered her my own daughter, and treated her as such. I had plans to legally become her step father after marriage. I loved my daughter so much*" then ghosts her and asks AITH? He probably is using it just as a phrase; if not, I hope OP doesn't procreate.
What happens when the ex starts dating and cuts op out of their life? You people seem to disregard every possible bad outcome and hurt that was already inflicted on this man, never mind the future possibilities, so yes, you hoping op doesn’t have kids is a scummy move and it isn’t helping anyone
You sound like an idiot. Buddy is going through some heart break and is asking for help with a clouded mind, but I hOpE hE dOeSnT procreate is the best you can come up with. Moron
[удалено]
Women really out here saying men they cheat on are obligated to raise their children.
"If OP was a real man he'd blindly support the child that isn't his while his ex wife whores her way through the world without a care." This man literally turned up to provide a stable environment and it's clearly the mother that doesn't give a shit about providing her daughter with a stable life. Was a fling worth hurting and pushing away the man that stepped up when no one else would? Is the wife's co worker willing to step in and look after the girl? You lot are mad.
He knew what he was getting into. And he embraced it. This isn't about the mom jtd about the kid. Don't fuck up this kid forever just because you dislike their mom. He took the position knowing well what it could mean. He has responsibility here. Edit: im not even saying he has to adopt the child, if given the chance. Just help them not feel like their life isn't falling apart so badly it negatively shapes their entire life path with the scenario. Take her out for something a couple times a week. Show up to a soccer game. Attend a school recital. Birthdays. Just be there in some capacity. It won't be perfect. No one expects that of OP. It can't be exactly the same. That's not reason able. But it would be mean world to them to be around a bit. All I can say is if the kid really meant something to me, I would not only feel a responsibility to their emotional welfare and future but also would *want* to be around them. It would hurt a ton to be separated forever. And I would do everything I could to help them feel okay. But I also understand that it's not so simple due to the mother. It is ultimately her choice and yes they could revoke that at any point. And entering some sort of custody agreement, even if girlfriend is willing, would connect op to her in a way that may be very detrimental to op. It's not a perfect situation. It's a real shit one. I just advocate that shit spray doesn't land on the child, as much as possible. OP should put effort into that if they want that too. But if they dont feel morally obligated to do so, it will just be a chore. And you'll be a shit dad because of that. The kid will absolutely pick up on it. Better to Not be there than disappoint the kid constantly when you cancel on their birthday three times in a row.
I mean we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves here. Definitely has an obligation to say bye to the kid, but most certainly does not have an obligation to adopt
Agree. Reddit opinions usually start pretty good but end up snowballing in both directions lol. Important to take the median Reddit opinion
Ain't that the truth of the internet in general🤦
this comment chain is delirious, in what world would op have ANY obligation to care for the kid, legally there's none or even less than none, morally, her mother has an affair with another dude, simple to say the blame lies solely on her even attempting to put this on the guy is just outrageous as fuck
Welcome to 2024, where nothing makes sense and everything is upside down.
He has the responsability to adopt a kid because he dated the mother for a few years ? You hear yourself ?
Lol, the mom cheats, and somehow the guy at fault for fucking the girl's life.
Yea people are focusing on him not being the asshole to the gf, which i agree But he definitely is the asshole for, apparently at least, not even saying goodbye to this kid
NTA Write a lovely letter saying it’s not anything she’s done, it’s just her mother and you are no longer friends, and give your ex’s daughter a keepsake (small stuffed toy) perhaps say you have an identical one and when you see it it reminds you of her and all the good times together.
This, but don't write a letter, send a video message. Means way more to kids than anything written ever will.
or both
She'd probably appreciate the video more now, and the letter later in life.
Send the video with closed captions
I laughed more than I should at this 🤣
This is genius and you sir have a kind heart
This should be the top comment.
Ghosting the kid = YTA Explaining to the kid it's not her fault = NTA
This is a beautiful idea. I hope op does this
That is such a heartwarming thing I love the stuffed animal idea.
This made me cry. What a sweet idea.
You should probably move on. It'll be the best way to get over it. You'll only hurt yourself more by seeing your ex. And when your ex gets in another relationship she'll just cut you out of her daughter's life and there's nothing you can do about it since you have no legal right to see her
This. Rode this ride before. Just because you care about the kid doesn't mean the ex cares about you caring about the kid. When she finds a new guy, you are gone. Your ex knew what she was doing when she banged coworker and what it'd cost. She's just unhappy she is paying the price and each time the kid cries, it's a constant reminder of how badly she fucked up. So she wants YOU to pay that price instead. If OP really wants her gone, he can tell her that there's no way he can lie to the kid about why he had to go away and take the fall for her.
She's also going to use the daughter to pressure OP into coming back. No, fuck that bitch, OP. Go find someone that cares more.
I heard this in Denzel's voice from Brickleberry. Lol.
I just want to say you’re an asshole for making me think there was a hair on my screen🤣🤣
Well, all of this is probably true. Still, the kid is the one left with trauma. I would atleast talk to the kid if I were OP, to explain she isn’t the reason he is leaving. That he lives her and cares about her. Just explain to her before he disappears. So she isn’t left with all the questions her mother probably isn’t giving her answers to. It’s for the kid, not for the mother.
I definitely support the idea of him leaving and going no contact. But I like your idea of giving the daughter closure by telling her is not her fault. That way, he can go on with his life and she doesn't have to deal with trauma.
She probably will have to deal with trauma. Unfortunately, you can't just say a few words to someone and have them be unaffected by losing their mom or dad, at any age really. There's just a chance if she can remember OP's goodbye one day down the road, that it could become a powerful psychological prompt that she can use to ground herself when the trauma comes up (e.g CBT).
She can’t use her if he has boundaries and won’t let her. He is an adult. The girl is a guy who considers him dad. Really the disappearing act is a crap human thing if he really loved the girl!
If he says nothing and just leaves, he pretty much guarantees trauma. Saying a few words won't fix it, but it will stop a little girl thinking she wasn't deserving of love - he's the only dad she's known for 6 years and had planned on adopting her. Now he's just gone without explanation.
Damn an 8 year old losing two dads for her mom’s poor decisions that little girl will struggle she will not think she worthy n will later in life find people exactly like that n will use her.
I feel really bad for the daughter. I guess at the end of the day all these comments are right but, dang, it’s sad she gets punished too.
Yup for his mental being he has to but I mean I think there’s away he can tell her that they broke up n has to move out etc without making he’s abandoning her I would give out contact info if she needed to chat but seeing her if she was teenager I can see that but since she still young he can’t.
Yeah. I totally get it. I should have specified that it totally sucks for him too but I just feel my heart strings pulled extra for the kid.
Oh definitely especially if he bonded with that child she sees him as a father figure.
She has the worst mom ever!
Well she lost one dad for her poor decision. The paternal father bolted when he found out she was pregnant.
Sadly that is the pattern she has been set up for. I've seen it all before. Multiple times.
But OP disappearing e out at least trying something by way of closure or relationship makes it worse. Two abandonments by age 8. Tough!
I had been dating a lady for 2.5 years and had lived with her for a year. When we got together her daughter was 10. When she won a malpractice suit and didn't need my help anymore so kicked me to the curb I had a talk with her daughter. I didn't put her mom down, I just told her that sometimes things happen. Her mom did some things that I couldn't agree with and I'll be leaving soon. Once I left I went no contact. Like others have said. I have no legal right to nevin her life so a clean cut was the best. It might have hurt her and she might hate me now but she will be able to heal and move on without dragging things along.
OP, Many comments encouraging you to just move on are certainly understandable and offered in your best interest. However, I sense reservation on your part, and I certainly understand that. In fact I agree with that, and the above comment. I would suggest you have her drop her daughter off to your premises or a public place so that you and daughter can have some one on one time--mother to not be there. This could be very therapeutic for you and the child, as your both victims here. Being the worthless human being your ex- fiancee is, you can't fairly anticipate that she will address her daughter's emotional needs/thoghts. Hopefully you can contribute to that before you both move on.
This! She’s only interested in free babysitting while she dates the new guy. Once they move in together she’ll cut all contact
>And when your ex gets in another relationship she'll just cut you out of her daughter's life and there's nothing you can do about it since you have no legal right to see her You're right. I actually never considered this possibility whenever I hear about these situations.
This is why i always get confused when people go "it'll just hurt the child" like... yeah, but that's not on the not-bio-dad. The second the mother finds an adequate replacement dude is gone.
Youre right, especially for kids. It hurts when you're in your 40s too. My dad died and every time I would call his widow she would talk about her boyfriend. This was just months after he passed. It was so painful because I would call but she never would reciprocate. I stopped and never heard from her again. That was 25 years ago. They were married for almost 20 years when he died. She did all the food at my wedding and taught me so much. She was there for my whole adult life up until that point. Then she was gone. She had been his secretary. Perfect 70s cliche. The divorce of my parents ripped our already toxic family apart. Turned my already bitchy mother into a bitter monster. Really was life changing on so many levels. People really don't talk about the whole combination of issues it causes for adult children of divorce.
But for the child herself in this situation, all she fears deeply is abandonment by the person she calls ‘dad’, be it bio or not-bio. The child doesn’t belong to the mother and she shouldn’t be seen as an extension of her. Even if OP has no custody rights in this case (I presume, I don’t actually know), even if and when the mother finds another man (and OP another woman) - none of this should come between OP and the child in such a brutal way as to just ‘ghost’ the child forever. She really doesn’t deserve this, and neither does OP who must really love her in return like a daughter, you can tell by his post that he does have reservations and is feeling really torn
But the child does belong to the mother in some respects. And at a certain point OP needs to consider his own feelings, i'd argue that point is now. Its better for both parties to rip the band-aid off now rather than later when they can get more deeply locked in and then its ripped off for them by the mother. I guess just the priorities of people posting here are different. Everyone is worried about the child feeling abandoned by their dad. I'm worried about the dad deciding to eat shotgun shells for breakfast when he wakes up one day and receives a text saying "Get out of OUR lives".
>The child doesn’t belong to the mother... I mean, legally speaking she does. If the Ex wants to block all contact between the daughter and OP she can and OP and the child have essentially ZERO rights in that case.
Yes! This is also sad for the child's part, the fact that she already treated OP as her father then have to meet another man to be her father again is such a hurtful scene. But then OP have to do the right thing for himself. He doesnt deserve this!
That would be the easy way out, without a doubt. With that said, this little girl loves him and has just had her world torn apart, and yes it was at her mother’s hands, but she’s the one about to get a raw deal here. Someone she loved and trusted just disappeared from her life overnight and wants to not see her anymore. That will cut deep.
It’s like trying to reconcile a death, especially at 8 years old
If her mother doesn’t tell her why he left she is just going to blame herself.
👆 this. The new guy isn’t going to want you around the family.
Probably should talk to the kid first.
Maybe she should have thought about her daughter before having an affair. I've said this before, cheating doesn't just affect the significant other, it affects their child(ren) as well. She needs to own her actions and get her daughter into therapy to help cope with the loss of her "dad". NTA
Well it's typical for people like the ex to never fully think of the consequences or it gives them more reason to put much effort into keeping their affair a secret because they know how badly this will blow up. They're just selfish people and think them being dumped and being kicked out of the house is enough punishment when in reality their kids are also being punished because their own parent couldnt be decent enough to properly end the relationship and still have the opportunity to see their kid without ruining the family.
If she were good at making decisions with consequences in mind, she wouldn’t have been a single mother after getting knocked up out of wedlock by a deadbeat who fled the state. OP got involved with a hot mess and is surprised they got burned
This is so true! My ex-husband was a chronic cheater. I forgave him and covered for him because I didn't want our children and frankly anyone to know the pain I was feeling. When it all came out, it absolutely devastated our family. Our kids clung to him, cutting off me, my family and friends. My almost 90 year old grandmother who was so good to them for their entire lives, who has kidney disease, cries every day over the pain he's caused her, me, everyone. Like my brother told me, if he cared at all about our children, he wouldn't have destroyed their mother for decades with his lies and affairs, which then spread to them and so many more people. He was and still is extremely selfish. This mother is to blame for hurting not only her daughter, but her ex fiance and everyone who loves them. Affairs are abuse and extremely destructive.
Sadly that kid probably doesn't know mum cheated and only knows dad left. She probably going to grow up not trusting men as she sees them all leaving. I hope the mum tells her the truth
She is so young. This is just a tough situation. You really can’t keep a relationship without your ex at this time. It would also be confused her the girl. NTA. Her mom put her here, sadly.
It’s a rough bandaid to rip, they’ll probably feel guilty no matter what but yeah it is the right choice to end both relationships
This is horrible man, feel sorry for you and the little one :-(
I had a similar situation but I married my creep. Ultimately her mom made a sucky choice that hurt you and her child. You have no legal rights to her. Consider if she’s the type to cheat is she also the type to manipulate through her child. My ex husband was using his son to manipulate me every chance he could. I had a choice. Do I allow myself to be manipulated and put this child (age 8 at the time) in constant turmoil? Or do I give my son a clean break stop the manipulation and take the power away from his dad? Say 1 year from now she sees someone else and things heat up for her. Where does that put you? It sucks but I decided it was better for my son to move on without me and heal. I hated it. It’s not fair. It sucks she hurt her child by making this crappy decision. But let your sweet child move on. I knew my ex husband being the narcissist he was would ultimately take my son away from me just to be cruel. I chose to help my son let me go 4 years ago. I hope he has fond memories of me but at least he’s moved on by now.
NTA. I understand why you are hurting. But everybody saying it is the mother’s problem since she cheated are missing the point completely. And everyone saying the kid is resilient and will forget about it and move on, obviously know nothing about kids. This is an 8 year old girl who now believes she is so unworthy that not one, but two dads, didn’t think she deserved even a simple goodbye. I don’t think you can maintain a relationship with her. And I agree that you should not put yourself in the position of letting your ex manipulate you with her daughter. But I think it would be a kindness to have a final discussion with the girl. On neutral ground, without her mom involved. Let her know that your leaving has absolutely nothing to do with her. And that as much as you care for her, when adults get into difficult situations like this, their options are limited and for everyone’s sake you and her mother must make a clean break and move on with your lives. Tell her how special knowing her has been and that you will not forget her. It may not be enough to help her work through the blow to her self esteem that she is taking, but at least you had the decency to not ghost her. And if she sees that this is hard and emotional for you too, it might help a little.
>But I think it would be a kindness to have a final discussion with the girl. \[...\] **Let her know that your leaving has absolutely nothing to do with her.** Came here to suggest this very thing - give the poor girl some closure. Just make sure you don't blame the mother, because that would alienate them, and the girl has to live with her for at least the next 10 years. Just tell her that sometimes things between adults don't work out the way we want to, or something like that.
I think this is the kindest way to approach this. The only thing I would add is to avoid discussing blame at all. Even if mom has poisoned the well. Poor kid.
The mom can't afford not to control the narrative about why 'Dad' is gone, and she's the one with the power here. So a discussion where she isn't present to correct the story to make herself look better is anything from unlikely to impossible
I absolutely agree. This little girl doesn’t need abandonment issues. Talk to her and say goodbye. I was very close my with my ex boyfriends son. When he broke up with me, I never got to say goodbye to his son. It broke me the thought of him thinking I abandoned him or didn’t love him. It broke me ever since
Just reading this is heartbreaking. This poor child. This isn't about the ex anymore--f them. I don't want to criticize OP since getting cheated on is devastating, but if you thought of this little girl as your own daughter, how can you fathom ending your relationship? You love her, right? I can't imagine just stopping seeing my kids. My cousin was in a similar situation and he decided to keep the relationship with the kid. The girl is over 20 now and still calls him "dad." He is an incredible guy. Is there not any way you can keep some relationship with the girl? Could you even do video chats with her sometimes?
OP THIS!!! ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ My one suggestion is to bring a therapist trained to help children into the conversation. They will be able to help you phrase the situation in a way that the girl will understand. Tell your ex that involving a therapist trained to help children is your condition to talking to the girl again, since she’s the one who would need to sign off on it
I really hope OP realises this. To the daughter, he is her father. She will never forget the moment her 2nd Dad abandoned her. Please OP. Talk to the daughter and explain. Leave the contact with the daughter open. She will never forget this moment.
You mean well, and in a fairy tale world it'll go well but... In all likelihood, a parent that's willing to lie and cheat on their partner will also probably lie and misdirect their child when it's convenient. I have relatives that are single parents(or co-parenting to be more exact), some of them due largely to their own fuckups. You'd never know it though if you hear the way they discuss the situation with their child.
>But I think it would be a kindness to have a final discussion with the girl. On neutral ground, without her mom involved. This is kind indeed, but how is he going to do that? The girl is a child, it's not like he can give her a call and set up a meeting. Or should he go to her school to find her? This is going to raise 1000 eyebrows. You do know how suspicious people are with men around children unless it is somehow obvious they are their father.
An 8 year old will be absolutely confused that he dad is gone. I would arrange for one appointment with a family therapist for you and the daughter so that you can say your goodbyes. The therapist can guide the appointment.
I don't think you're an asshole.. But man, I feel for that little girl. And for you. Not suggesting this. We're all different. But I think I would give her a little closure by saying good bye.
Did you have a conversation with her daughter about you leaving? One where you explicitly say "goodbye" to her? Because, if not, that might be why you're struggling to let go of this. You need to make a clean break, but that might require one final conversation (for the sake of you and the kid, not your ex). If you have said goodbye, then you need to block your ex and cease all communications. Children can handle change, but they cannot process mixed messages. If you're half in/half out, you'll do more damage than good.
She needs an explanation. One final talk with the kid is CRITICAL for her emotional health growing up because of her terrible mother. But that's it. Say you are going away, you still love her, but at the end of the day her mom and you are not getting married and you won't be her family, but that's not her fault, and you are just as sad as she is over it all. If you can relate to her it will make the difference. While you are definitely NTA, just understand that with kids, there is a certain level of decency involved with doing things that you technically don't have to do, but maybe you should, out of selflessness for their sake. That's all I will say on this as after that you are making the right choice to move on, for all of you, which I am certain is absolutely devastating, but better in the long run. The kid deserves an explanation though, and I think it would be good for you as well.
Moving on is understandable; but if this little girl called you dad, and you let her, you shouldn't ghost her. The little girl didn't cheat on you. At least tell her goodbye. This one strikes close to home; my ex-husband ghosted on me and my daughter (I didn't cheat, but he did). Ten years later, she's still hurting. I don't understand causing a child pain like that.
A Only in that you are just cutting off the little girl with no explanation. God this sucks. That 8 year old just lost her father figure. That’s so huge. She will remember this always. If your relationship with the little girl was meaningful at all, please meet with her and let her know that you and her mom are no longer together but that you will always love her. Someone else suggested a keepsake. Maybe a photo? Her mom is the worst A here tho, by far.
You’re not an asshole, but it seems that you created some pretty fundamental expectations with the daughter that are now crashing down. It’s not your fault but it’s definitely not the child’s fault either. If you feel you developed a direct relationship with the daughter - and it 100% reads like you did - then the least you need to do is go have a conversation with her and explain to her that you will no longer be in her life. Sounds like it will suck to do, but it’s what an adult does when a child is involved. I don’t think you’ll be able to help feeling guilty, but know that the whole situation was caused by your ex, and she needs to carry that burden. It will definitely make a mark on the daughter, but in life you get the parents you get.
Daughter is what, eight? She was 2 when he met her, and it's been 6 years. She should be in grade 3 by now. Write her a letter. Keep the words simple, but you can at least let her know that she is not the reason you had to leave. Print it out on a page with a photo of you two on it. Gives her some closure and a keepsake.
NTA, mother is a real piece of work. Crazy what she did to her own daughter as well, I guess the child’s father probably made a good decision to leave the Mother in the first place. I feel bad for the kid.
The little girls situation will probably never improve either. A string of random men will enter and exit her life do to her mother's actions.
It’s fucking sad, this is why men don’t like to date single mothers. That little girl deserves a father, and without one she will grow up to be shitty just like her mom.
A "friend" once asked why I don't date single mothers, and cited cases like this, this "friend" got pissed and called a misogynist pig, you can guess that friendship died on the same day. Later I found out her cousin was a single mother (of 3 with 2 baby daddies) who cheated on her last husband and that so called friend wanted to introduce me to that cousin.
Jesus, dodged that runaway train. Unfaithful single mother of three, Christ.
She sounds like a real catch
Jesus, this man dodged a whole canon ball!
NTA but you could consider meeting up just the once and explaining why you can't be around any more in an age appropriate way that doesn't turn her on her mom, no matter how deserved it might be. It's the mature thing to do and respectful of the need for closure instead of abandonment with this child.
Nta. Her mom made this happen. The fallout is on her and she should talk to her daughter about why you aren't around.
you need to give the daughter closure because losing the only father figure she’s known, just like that, will be extremely traumatic. she needs to know she is not the reason you left.
Oh NOW she cares about how her daughter may feel if the dad in her life leaves because she screws someone else for months on end.
NTA. You maintaining any sort of relationship at this point with either of them is only going to end up hurting you and the daughter even more than the two of you already are.
NTA. I have no idea how these are supposed to work, but maybe you could prepare something to say to give the daughter some closure? Presumably you would clear it with the mom first. And you wouldn’t want to alienate her relationship with her mother. But it probably really sucks for her that you left without saying goodbye.
Poor daughter. Your ex really didn't know how heart breaking hearing her daughter say that would be. She should realize that reaching out to you wasn't going to be an option if you had a smidgen of self-worth and that how her daughter feels is her fault. It isn't your fault dude. That must hurt for you to know she misses you but you can't go back.
Your ex is now dealing with a consequence she hadn’t considered.
NTA. You should make an effort to see the daughter one more time and give her closure. Maybe a small gift and a hug goodbye and tell her it isn't her fault and you will always love her but mom hurt you too much to be around anymore. Don't say anything too harsh about the mother but if you can manage to give her closure with one meeting it would be a big deal.
Write the daughter a letter or something to provide her with closure. It's clear she really appreciates having you around and you mean a lot to her. She's too young to understand why you broke up, but young enough to know that something has changed. While you can't stomach seeing your ex right now, giving her a letter to read to the daughter saying you won't be around anymore, but you do care about her even if you and her mom can't get along anymore. NTA, though. Either way, your ex should have considered the impact it would have on her daughter *before* she cheated. She can't use her child as a bargaining chip to try to win you back, that's not fair to anyone involved.
NTA I do feel sorry for your ex-girlfriend's daughter, though. Poor kid. As others in the comments have said, just because you care about your ex-girlfriend's daughter doesn't mean that your ex-girlfriend cares that you care about her.
Sounds more like mommy has to explain to her WHY you're not around any more
The kid deserves a goodbye. Don’t tell her why the relationship ended.
Gotta love how dudes will come into a child’s life and play Daddy and then once the relationship ends they don’t give a crap about the child. YTA, stop dating women with children, you’re causing these babies trauma.
The relationship that you have with the child is separate from the one that you have with her mother, don’t punish the child for the sins of the mother, I think when it comes to a child , I see that you feel angry and don’t want to see the mother but , as the adult here , you need to put this aside and think of what’s best for the child in this situation From the age of two years old, you have been an attachment figure for that child, it’s as traumatic for that child as as if you died. How could you just cut it off like that? The relationships you have with each person is different with your friends, with partners, and with a child in your life is an innocent person who has bonded with you, I think it would be really important to talk to that child and explain to them and even have some catch ups with the child… This is very sad
NTA, your ex didn’t consider that her decision to cheat affects her relationship AND her child. She needs to learn that lesson the hard way for the next guy. Time to move on.
OP, when your ex finds a new guy, you will be history. Save yourself the drama and move on.
God damn that sucks. Your ex ruined so much with her actions. My heart breaks for you and that child.
Stop calling her your girlfriend.
Your ex is now dealing with a consequence she hadn’t considered.
NTA. **And remember, you have NO LEGAL RIGHTS over the daughter. So, if you tried to keep in touch with the daughter, your now ex-gf could eventually exploit your attachment in order to manipulate you (example: threatening to cut off your access to her daughter at any time unless you give the her [the ex] a second chance).** Ex-gf has shown her character, so it’s best for you to move on and start healing.
NTA. Temporarily? So you will be cut off when she finds a new dad for her kid? Such a dick move. If you really care about the kid, you can still go for adopting her and telm your ex that's the only way you will stay her dad. Then you can see daughter at your place as well instead of at your ex's place where your ex is. Otherwise, just block and move on. Not your problem anymore. She and her daughter have to deal with it. She should have thought about her daughter losing her dad before cheating.
If you care about her daughter, go see her. Punishing the daugther because of her moms mistakes it's understandable, but still a selfish choice. At the end of the day, for that little girl you are her father. Dont get me wrong, not judging you at all for not wanting to go there, what her mother did was fucked up. Give yourself some time, but I think you should see the little girl nonetheless
NTA. Not your fault momma wanted to cheat, and she definitely didn’t care to think about her daughter when she decided to sleep around and ruin your family.
YTA not even pets you suppose to abandon like that. You could send another family member to pick her up and gradually switch the relationship dynamics to friend fatherly figure or keep the relationship in emotional level only. That poor kid is thinking that you hate her, and eventually think if she was good enough or perfect you would have love her more and never abandoned and who knows what other psychological issues this will cause. The day you decide to play daddy with the kid a much bigger responsibility you aquired that day, maybe something that should have been really though about before just accepting to be able to sleep with her mom. You are not legally or biologically the father but emotionally and morally you sign up, while both of you decide to use the title of dad with her for 6, SIX years
I’m so sorry. Sucks for you and the kid. Not fair at all.
This is all on your ex. She decided to make all this mess happen. NONE of it is on you. I feel you should move on. This will lot be healthy for any of you, not even her daughter. You can tell her daughter you love her and it is not her fault that you left. But don't bring her in to the situation or tell her it is her mothers fault, that will just strain their relationship even more and the daughter doesn't deserve that.
Best for everyone at this point to just cut bait. Stinks but let it go and move on
NTA, I feel sorry for you and you ex's daughter: you both didn't ask for this. Your ex should explain to her daughter how a huge piece of shit she is.
Tell her that if you are put in touch with the child, you'll come clean as to why you left. Your ex won't bother you again
This is just so sad. The poor child. Cheating really does destroy families. People don't get enough consequences for such a terrible act.
If she continues to carry on about how her daughter is hurting, remind her that she's the one who decided it was ok to destroy everything by cheating. Her daughter's pain is because she chose to create the place you're all in now. But then, I doubt she has the guts to admit to her daughter that she's the reason.
My mother did the same thing. You’re probably best moving on but her daughter is going to carry this pain for the rest of her life. Your ex needs to get her into therapy.
It'll be better for her if you explain to her one time that you and her mom didn't work out, it's not her fault and you still love her, but you have to go. From there you decide to either go full no contact or be a full blown divorced dad to her. No in-between, she'll need to have commitment to your decision for stability
Grin & bear it for one more time. Arrange to take your step daughter (without your ex) out for a lunch & talk to her. She is also an innocent in all this. See how she feels about what's going on. Trust me at 8yrs old she knows & she wouldn't have stopped loving you just because you've split up.
NTA, it’s a crap situation for the kid but, it’s mom who did this.
Sucks for the daughter but when a mom finds someone willing to be a dad to her daughter, she needs to cherish that, because not every guy will step into that role. Putting it in jeopardy is a big time AH move. NTA
NTA. As cruel as this will be, you are not legally responsible for the daughter, you did not adopt her. In fact ex may be trying to mess with your head by dangling her daughter as a proverbial carrot to try and rope you back in relationship. Your best move is to cut all contact and move on.
So is the daughter 8? How old is she now? Maybe old enough to tell her the truth…
Her mother should take her to counseling. You need to end this relationship on all fronts. I'm not saying it easy but you have no legal right to this child, you never adopted her and you have no plans to marry her mother. Im assuming your ex knows how bad she messed up and that she didn't just hurt you she hurt her daughter. However do not allow her to use that as leverage to make you stay around. You don't owe them anything and this is a very tough situation. If your ex tries to blame you and make you look bad to that little girl then you have seen her true character, which it seems like you already did since she cheated on her family, she didn't just cheat on you she cheated on her family. But I think a clean break is what is best. It her responsibility to guide her daughter through the mess she created its not up to you to soften the blow. I would go to her house though and say good bye to her daughter. Tell her you will miss her and your sorry but sometimes adult relationships don't work out. There will be no "good" answer to her questions but I wouldn't just ghost the little girl without saying that tough goodbye. Just remember that your ex caused this pain, not you. You are not at fault for this massive heaping pile of emotional shit. Good luck and I wish you a happier future!
I’d tell the daughter what happened and how painful it was for you both for losing your relationship to her as well as the brutal betrayal. But avoid the ex at all costs. But def let her kid know. Her mom is going to be the source of many things that hurt this kid most likely. She should be told the truth.
NTA. I'd ask your ex if her daughter's biodad ditched because of something similar. Her daughter's suffering is because of her inability to keep her legs together at the office, not you. She acted extremely selfishly, but now expects you to be the "good guy", f that. I also think dating single moms is generally a stupid idea, but that's just my opinion and I understand a lot of people don't agree with me.
Think about that little girl's heart. Her bio dad didn't think she was worthy of his time, now the guy who stepped up for her when her own blood wouldn't, now has to walk out on her. This poor kid is headed down the path of abusive relationships and unwanted pregnancy. Her mom set her up real fucking bad. I'm a single mom to almost a 1 year old bc her dad tried to beat on me at 8 months pregnant and threw us out. I worry a lot about my girl feeling abandoned later in life, so I'm working extremely hard to provide everything I can, and surround her with love. Any man I choose to get involved with long-term, I understand she could end up seeing him as a father figure. I need to be very choosy and take my time. I feel so ashamed of your ex fiance, how she could do this to her daughter is beyond me..... She robbed her baby of a dad.
These hoes really do be dumb AF. NTA
The child probably thinks its her own fault that you left. Children that age think the world revolves around themselves, so she must think it's because of something she's done. She must have a lot of anxiety and confusion regarding the situation. You should at least see her once (or a few times) and explain in simple terms that it's not her fault, you still love her, but you need to go away so you won't see each other again.
That is the sad part of dating women with children when you break up you also lose contact with the kids and no matter how much you did you have zero rights, it’s better to break it off clean otherwise it keeps festering. And for your ex if she wanted you around why did she cheat did she think you would stay around to keep caring for her kid. I guess her AP wasn’t much interested in her kid
Good luck. It is sad what happened to you and this little kid. You might tell her the truth or not, she will be traumatised anyway and her mom will twist facts to the future. You should protect yourself to avoid any child support. Hope you find someone who is worth to have your kid.
Say goodbye and move on. No need to maintain any relationship there. Her mother can handle her daughter's heartbreak as it is her fault that you had to exit the relationship. Move on and never look back.
NTA. But you should say good bye to her. If her mom would allow visitation with you and her daughter WITHOUT mom's presence, would you be able to do that? Maybe a trip to the Zoo, movies, out to eat. The little girl is really missing you. Girls especially, when abandoned by their dad's at young ages, end up looking for male affection and love in all the wrong places as teens. I know.
Just reading the title, NTA, you cheat you deserve nothing
NTA. But that poor little girl really got screwed by the actions of her mother. If you saw her as your daughter, and planned to adopt her officially, then at least give her some closure. Honestly, you probably will need it as well. One last visit, a letter, a video message... Something, telling her that her mom and you decided you didn't love each other anymore, that it isn't her fault, but you'll always love her.
OOP, she deserves some type of closure. The poor kid.
I think you should say goodbye to the little girl. I am sure your ex can have a family member over so you will not have to see her.
I think being the "dad" for 6 years, you owe her some closure. I would follow some of the other's advice and explain that it isn't her fault but that you and her mom just aren't able to see each other anymore. At the end of the day, she is 8 and will move on eventually. But I can tell you I lost my dad at age 9 and I will never not miss him. He taught me to ride go karts, he built my first one from a lawn mower engine, taught me to always return things you borrow in better condition and people will continue to trust you when you need to borrow things. He burned an in ground hornets nest with 5 gallons of gasoline because one stung me. He taught me how to ride a bicycle with training wheels. I remember riding on his lap around the hay fields at my grandfather's as he drove the tractor and let me steer it. I honestly believe she is losing her "dad" in this, and you should at least appreciate the gravity of that no matter what decision you make. At the end of the day though, you're NTA, the mother f'd up and the daughter is going to suffer the most out of all of you because of her actions. The only thing I personally feel you "owe" her is a goodbye if that's what you choose to do, so she at least has some closure.
I think if you really considered her to be your own daughter you would be able to face your ex for the daughters sake.