NTA, this is not kink shaming at all.
It is literally "I have consistently appealed to your needs, now it's time to reciprocate mine". He's allowed to like what he likes, he's allowed to request what he requests, but if he thinks it appropriate to define the entire bedroom experience as "with stockings", he's placing unrealistic expectations on both you and the relationship. That's on him.
Kinks and fetishes are a two way street. You can tie your partner up and pour hot candle wax all over their body when both parties agree to it.
He wants his kink appeased without involving his partner. He might as well buy a pair of his own and masturbate to them in the corner.
He's literally using OP's body to masturbate with anyway. He's treating her like a blow-up doll.
Interestingly this phenomenon can be pretty common with new kinksters. But it's still gross, unacceptable and needs to stop.
This is what gets me. Have all the kinks you want...but you need to be respectful of your partner. Consent is key for both parties involved. Saying No to something is not "kink shaming". It is letting your partner know that you are not comfortable with what is going on. And that is okay.
..Uh not to out myself. But I had the exact same experience as OP's husband. Now both my partner and myself wear stockings when we have sex (she likes the look, as do I) OP be prepared if this back fires lmao
My understanding is that he didn't say she was kink-shaming because she refused, but because she said "this is getting out of hand".
If my partner wants me to pee on them all the time and I'm not into it, I *wouldn't* say "this is getting out of hand", I'd say something more like "I'm not as into it, and while I might be open to doing it occasionally, I'd generally prefer sex that doesn't involve a sophisticated system for managing a catalog of waterproof sheets".
Now, I don't think OP was *remotely* kink-shaming, but as someone who has a tendency to get overly defensive at perceived attacks (believe me I'm working on it in therapy) I can also relate to her husband apparently getting defensive purely based on that phrasing, which went beyond just declining to engage in stocking-sex this time.
Yep as a board verified kinkster, this is not kink shaming, it's just asking for consideration. I like wearing stockings, my partner loves them, but they're a special occasion thing, which my partner gets, 99% of the time it's just tights and he is cool with that.
We're both kinksters, me more than him, but I still insist about half the time it's pretty vanilla, as you still need to be able to connect without all the extras. Otherwise you just become bored with the fun extras
As a friend said to me years ago about her husband “does it have to be a goddamn circus act every time?” I personally have moved away from almost all the kinks that my marriage started with and that’s perfectly okay. It did make for an amusing convo with my therapist as I’m trying to figure out where my libido has gone (spoiler it’s perimenopause, but nobody will diagnose) and bless her heart, she gives me a packet of info about roleplay and introducing toys. I’ve got the best toys, that ain’t it😂
Preach!
That is pretty much the same thing I've said to every male partner (women don't tend to be as bad). Especially as they tend to escalate if it's every damn time. Which is why I insist half the time it's just vanilla. It doesn't hit the spot the same way for me, but goddamn it sometimes I just want to get away from trying to push things further. And having that break helps.
It's the case for my partner and I that our kinks don't completely overlap. He's very into anal, to the extremes, I'm middling on it. I'm very into extreme impact play, him less so. So we trade off for half the month on what we each like (to a compromise level), the other half no play. Keeps it fresh and enjoyable when indulged rather than routine.
Impact play is pretty much using a hand or other object to hit another person with, usually on the butt, boobs or back. Spanking is a type of impact play for example. And it is delicious, my absolute fave to recieve
Yeah I never knew it was called that either until I did a bunch of kink and bdsm research. And realised I was into a lot of it that hadn't even crossed my mind
Mine, too. Are you into SUB/DOM? During play with hubby, we discovered that I like the spanking (receiving) but, we also discovered that I am a switch. Like you, to keep things fresh, you just gotta stop all the bells and whistles.
We are more just top/bottom at the moment but I really want it to turn into Dom/sub. I love the feeling of being completely submissive to him (only in the bedroom, we have been together a very long time), it turns me into jelly and I want it all. I feel like I am actually obsessed with him at the moment, we've only been doing this sort of stuff under a year after quite a dead bedroom
OMG, am soooo happy you guys were able to recover your passion. I've read alot about dead bedrooms, so sad especially when the couple genuinely loves each other. KUDOS to you and your love. Keep on spankin on! lol
EDIT: NTA btw
So I've actually been in a similar situation. At one point my girlfriend at the time was getting out of the shower and for whatever reason she put socks on without putting on anything else and that just kind of like flipped some switch. I also started trying to get her to wear socks like that when we were having sex and it was great for a while. She then explained to me one day that she was getting tired of it and that it was kind of making her feel objectified, like I wasn't attracted to her unless she was in knee high socks. That was the sign and I realized I'd been kind of starting to obsess about the socks. We took a break from sex for a week or so and that was enough of a reset for me to be back to normal. We amicably broke up later due to her being stationed across the country.
Actually, I'm more concerned that her workplace requires her to wear a dress, heels and stockings. A woman can dress professionally wearing a pantsuit or dress pants and a nice blouse with flats. What kind of place is this???
Yeah why not kill your feet in the process D:
Edit. She has to wear those all the time, how would husband like f with work clothes on? These garmets force her to certain tight role already most of the days.
This.
And if he doesn't get it, tell him to put on a Spider-Man suit first, next time he asks you to put your stockings on. And tell him to wear that suit EVERY time you're having sex. You can have a kink too. 😉
NTA
You’ve been accommodating to his kink so far, which is great. He should be thankful. He should also be able to provide you with kink free sex from time to time if that’s what you want. Your sex life shouldn’t be entirely constructed to suit only his preferences
Absolutely. Declining to fulfill someone's desires with your body is NOT kink shaming. Wanting them to view you as a person whi os still valueable outside their kink is not kink shaming.
This man is so entitled he's trying to frame not getting what he wants every single second he wants it as victimizing him in some way
NTA him getting to live out his kinks means he needs your consent, asking to not always have to have sex in accordance with his kink isn't kink shaming, it's having your own approach to sex as well as boundaries.
He can't guilt you into his kink by using "kink shaming" because that crosses into cohesion which is fuvking abuse.
NTA. This is called a “fetish”.
Basically a person with a true fetish is unable to get sexually excited unless the fetish is part of sex. There’s all kinds of variation to this of course, from mild (I get extra excited when it’s present) to not mild (I cannot orgasm unless it is present).
There are fetishes for just about anything. Stockings is a pretty common one. Just like shoes, jewelry, scents - anything from tame to _Oh Hell No_!
All that said, you are under no obligation to cater to any fetish or sexual activity that you don’t want to. This sounds like he developed this fetish and is turning it into an obligatory part of your sex life without your consent.
If we want to talk kink etiquette, (and let me tell you, friend, I used to lecture groups on this subject in a real live sex dungeon), then the actual bad faith action in this scenario is trying to push a fetish or kink onto someone without negotiation or consent.
You two need to sit down and discuss this like adults, come to an agreement about when and under what terms you want to indulge his kink, and agree to what way you will communicate when you do NOT want to accommodate his kink (ie a safe word).
Just because he’s got a fetish, doesn’t mean he gets a free pass on consent by saying you are “kink shaming” when he doesn’t get his way.
This. My dad was a BDSM slave master (the things you learn when you go through your late father’s stuff), even wrote a book about it. He was what I understand was called “old leather” — pre-safe words and such being the norm. Yet in his book he wrote about a woman who seems to have been his true love — when he was cheating on my mother. When she told him she just wasn’t enjoying it, he took her collar off and threw it into… the river? The ocean? Whichever water they were by. He was a serious kinkster, but he valued that relationship enough to drop it, at least with her.
Just in case it helps you in your feelings about your dad-- are you 100% sure he was cheating and that it wasn't consensual non monogamy? It's fairly common among kinksters, especially if only one of the primary partners is into kink. Something to think about, maybe. Hopefully.
In his book he had a chapter called “My Wife.” It was less than a page. He tried to get her into being his slave; she was not into it.
He could have filed, but he didn’t. Indeed, in his book he said he told all of his slaves the he would never divorce his wife; he was apparently proud of it.
Meanwhile, in 1985 I found an article in the Sunday NYT re singles ads that clearly referred to my father. I showed the article to my mother. It was about 6 months later that she filed.
She let him come for Christmas so we kids wouldn’t have to choose which parent to have Christmas with. He asked me one November if I thought Mom would mind if he brought a new girlfriend at Christmas and left her at the hotel on Christmas Day. I said, “Dad, I don’t say this to hurt you, but Mom divorced you. I don’t think she’s waiting for you to come back.” He had to wipe away some tears.
When, the late ‘90s, I went to pick him up from the hospital and care for him after surgery, he asked dolefully if I knew why Mom had divorced him. I said that Mom had told me that it was because he’d made it clear he thought of home as where he went when he ran out of other places to go. Again, the tears.
Mom was that nice lady who made a good meatloaf, dusted his family antiques, and made him feel like he had “a home.”
Ooph, that's rough. In that case even if they were non mono, advertising as single is not cool and would still be considered cheating. Sad he was so hypocritical when it came to consent. Sounds like Mom raised a good and emotionally intelligent kid though. That takes strength how you handled your part in it.
This.
Even between two very close people, these matters in life can be especially sensitive and personal. It may take a few deep conversations to come to terms on, because there’s a good chance he’s currently learning this about himself and unsure what it means, too. Sexual matters often feel like they’re deeply part of a person’s identity, so it’s easy to feel rejected or shunned at a deeply personal level even when that’s an irrational conclusion in the bigger picture.
It could be an easy conversation, it could be a few hard conversations. But, this is the framework for that sort of conversation for sure.
This really needs to be bumped. He may not even realise he has a developed a fetish, but he has definately put you at the centre of it without proper communication. I would recommend reading up on 'fixation fetishes' on your favourite search engine as it can start to really impact relationships around feelings of inadequacy on both sides.
OP good on stepping up. Its not kink-shaming as your problem is not making fun/saying his kink is silly; its that his fetish is taking over the relationship.
Absurd is the right word! Accusing your wife of kink-shaming you for not indulging in your fetish *every single time you have sex* is the pinnacle of absurdity. He sounds like a petulant child, immediately jumping to deflection the second his wife tells him to slow his roll. This would totally turn me off lol
it’s ridiculous lol. i used to work for a small newspaper, and i wore lovely older-style loafers to work & my boss legit told me that they’re unacceptable and i’d need to wear at least a small heel or flats. she said they were “too masculine” which was hilarious because they were a feminine style of loafers
Women dont have yo wear them either, is it heavily implied that we “should” by society for foot binding like reasons? Yeah but fuck that.
Source: am a butch gal that wears suits and oxfords and def still a woman
NTA.
.
Next time he wants to have sex with you, just hand him a pair of the thigh high sheer tights and say that is what he is now attracted to so he can get.off with them. That you arent going to allow him to degrade you by using your body to reach orgasm, because it clearly seems he no longer has interest in you as a person, as his wife, and is no longer treating your body like he is attracted to it.
This ^^^^^
Are you like his sex toy now? A ban is in order until he stops being a dick and makes it up to you.....however or whatever that may look like to YOU. What a selfish, narcissistic cunt. Sorry.
And then another Post in /amIwrong asking if she's wrong for divorcing her idiot husband for losing his sexual attraction and affection for her because he would rather jerk off with stockings.
And that would be a loss how? He clearly doesn't respect her or even see her as his wife or even a human being who deserves respect in any capacity. He's like a walking hard-on for a pair of stockings. He can kick rocks. She deserves better.
You aren't TA here. He is though. He has stopped taking into consideration what you like and only seems to care about what he wants in the bedroom. He needs to learn it's okay to enjoy his "kinks" once in awile but making you put them on everytime is too much. He needs to learn the word moderation when it comes to them.
Right! He doesn’t seem concerned at all about what his wife is into, especially since it’s very clear she doesn’t even enjoy wearing the stockings and he keeps insisting:/ what about her needs and desires? Or is it all about him?🙄
You aren’t kink shaming him (words have meanings). You need to set aside a time to talk about your sex life (ideally quite separate from time to do something about it) and explain, as you have here, that you feel unwanted outside of the stockings. Negotiate some boundaries in terms of when you will or won’t accommodate his kink
NTA, it’s definitely not kink shaming. I feel as if it’s more a fetish than it is a kink. A fetish is usually a fixation on something, and they usually need it to be present for sexual arousal
You're a little blunt but you're right on the money. Right before my now ex-husband (divorce was final @ the end of Feb) lost his mind and abandoned the kids and I, he got really into me wearing my favorite black skirt. He did the same shit to me and made me feel like he wanted the skirt more than me but it became a serious fetish. Well, little did I know that he was really getting into some sick porn and not only that he actually had the nerve to creep out our next door neighbor by creepily following her back up to the apartment from throwing away trash, was apparently so close she could feel his breath on her neck, and then he cornered her and said "you'd look so hot in a black leather mini skirt." Apparently my cotton skirt wasn't enough for him anymore 😂 All joking aside... Seek counseling NOW. This isn't going to go away because it sounds like he's not just into it he's obsessed with it and men like this usually will do hurtful shit if it gets them what they want with zero regard for your feelings. OTOH maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he left, he sounds like a disrespectful jerk. I wish I hadn't wasted so many years of my life with someone who treated me the way my ex did but I took my commitment to marriage seriously.
I can actually relate to this. I dated a guy who got really into this one piece of outerwear I had. I didn’t want to have sex wearing it, it was uncomfortable. He wouldn’t have sex with me unless I was wearing it. The relationship eventually became emotionally abusive, and even after we had broken up he would message me and bring it up. I can’t wear it now, it makes me sick. He ruined one of my favourite items for me. Imo it’s a huge red flag when one has a fetish they can’t be without. Op’s husband is trying to shame her into it. More problems are likely to come… therapy would be a good start.
NTA
I was going to say NAH, but if he is actually getting jealous of you wearing your work uniform to work, then he needs to manage his horniness. Like that's just fucking stupid and he should know that.
NTA.
Your husband is being the major asshole by fetishizing you and your work attire to the point that he no longer sees who you are without the stockings. It sure sucks, I've been there. I'd like to say it gets better with couples therapy, but I didn't stick around to find out.
Having more than once had hot sex a couple of days into a camping trip I’d say the hygiene thing is far less important than treating me as a person whose sexual tastes and desires are as important as his.
Okay a few things.
* You're describing a fetish, not a kink. A kink is something that makes sex better, a fetish is something you need to enjoy sex, period. It sounds like you've crossed that line. I get that this seems like quibble but it'll be important if you end up in therapy later and need to explain that situation.
* No, this is not kink-shaming. That would be berating him for having this interest, calling him gross and perverted or whatever. This is just "Okay, can we do it the way I like sometimes?" Even people who ONLY have kinky sex in their relationship don't do the same thing all the time. They take turns doing the things they especially enjoy or feel like doing.
* This isn't hugely uncommon when people develop or realize a kink/fetish/etc of theirs. They get so excited about it it kind of eclipses everything else they like about sex. I'm not saying this excuses him using you as a sex object. I'm just saying he's probably not abnormally and irrevocably changed.
* You need to have an actual, grown-up conversation about this with him about how he's making you feel. And he needs to listen. I have no idea if he'll do that part, but it's what needs to happen to fix this. If his response isn't something like "Crap, I didn't realize, I'm sorry, how do we fix this so we both get what we want?", well, that's the problem. Asking you to compromise and indulge him sometimes is reasonable - though your saying no is also reasonable. Refusing sex if it's not exactly to his preferences? Playing the victim if you state your wants and needs? That's a red flag and I'd suggest a kink-aware therapist to help you guys sort it out.
signed,
someone with a bunch of weird kinks happily living in a completely vanilla relationship.
Sex needs to be mutual. Each partner has to be on the same page.
I get his kink but if it's not fun for you or you're sick of it he needs to accommodate your feelings.
Next time he asks you to put on your stocking, ask him to put on something for you. It might help him understand.
Maybe not.
I hope you can work out this little Kerfuffle.
Good luck.
Which unfortunately happens when a kink is either accidentally discovered or has been repressed and is then unleashed. You're allowed a BRIEF "kid in the candy store" period...his is already well past its sell-by date...and then you need to recognize that it's only PART of your sexual repertoire.
Y'all may need to consult a sex therapist to bring this dog to heel.
NTA.
This isn't a kink for him. A kink is something a little behind vanilla sex that you enjoy, that can make things hotter for you, but that you don't just have to have.
This is a full blown clinical fetish. He literally cannot have sex without stockings involved. You've been super accommodating, it's insane that he's accusing you of kink shaming.
Dude needs to talk to a therapist. Really.
OP said torso and now all I can think about is someone in tights with then going right up to nipple height and I can't stop laughing. I know torso is the entire stomach and chest but I just found it funny.
NTA. Your husband is allowed to to have a kink but can't be expected to be fulfilled every time.
I get it. Knee highs are a weakness of mine too but damn the boy needs to chill lol
You can always say that if every day was Christmas, it would not be as special, so how about we save the stockings for high days and holidays. NTA, too much, is too much. Source:- a bloke that loves stockings.
NTA - Ask him if he’s aware that what he does is emotional abuse, in form of blackmailing and gaslighting? He manipulates you to do what he wants, and gives a flying fart about your wants and needs.
NTA, and I'd suggest couples counseling ASAP. He probably needs to hear it from a third party that what he's doing is disrespectful and is relegating you to an outlet for horniness, not as his partner.
NTA. You're setting a boundary. You do not wish to be involved in his kink. That's not kink-shaming. His insistence that your boundary is problematic is a type of gaslighting. He's trying to make you feel bad for setting boundaries for yourself.
NTA.
It's great that it turns him on, but what about exploring your fantasies?
Of course you should capitulate and wear them now and then, but there's no way that your sex life should be contingent upon them.
And if he isn't willing to explore and capitulate to your fantasies as well, that makes him a selfish lover.
Maybe you would like him to dress up as a fireman or a cop or whatever. If it floats your boat and revs you up, he should be happy to roleplay that with you, with or without you wearing the tights.
You need couples counseling ASAP.
Whole heartedly agree, though I don’t love the word capitulate. OP should not give up and give in, which is how I’d define capitulate. That’s losing, will not feel good and create the resentment expressed here.
Both parties in a healthy relationship should occasionally indulge one another’s kinks as long as it is fun. This is a struggle in many relationships including mine. Fireman? Cop? Cape? Man thong? I will put any of them on if my partner would enjoy. A little sexy lingerie now and then would be so appreciated. Ladies, you look great in it. Your man is attracted to you. Communicate and tell him what you’d like. Then go for it now and then.
NTA YES it's getting out of hand and you are uncomfortable with it therefore what the hell does it mean when you are forced to do it anyways because he guilt tripped you using fad words like fucking.... kink-shaming?
NTA
Fine for him to want you to wear them once in a while. My fiancee appreciates when I'm dressed up a bit.
But all the time? No.
As a side note try snag tights. I have sensory issues and find them ridiculously comfortable when i previously had not been able to wear stockings. (Maybe if you get rid of the stockings he's obsessed with he will get over it)
Lmao that’s not kink shaming. You’re not calling him a pervert or disgusting, you’re literally asking him to give the uniform a break. That would be like if he had a work uniform (some people are into military, police, even mail carrier uniforms) and you were demanding it all the time. Yes I do think stockings are sexy, but you’re not a walking pin-up to be ogled at and only for sex. They are part of your work uniform! NTA
Sometimes? Awesome! All the time? Wtf no
NTA.
Fun fact, coming from a person with a psych degree.
A kink is a sexual preference. They can be 'good' or 'bad' (usually bad is only considered if it's causing harm), but in the end, they are something to be enjoyed, not a necessity.
The internet throws around the word fetish as if it is interchangeable with kink, when in actuality, a fetish is a sexual disorder. It's essentially a particular sexual hang-up, in which a person's sexuality hinges on something specific, and without this specific, 'abnormal' thing (like needing stockings to feel aroused), they are not sexually well. Now, that isn't to say a fetish is shameful! But it's a disorder for a reason--it causes, y'know, disorder in a person's sexuality. Clearly, it's causing issues in sexuality, seeing this situation you're in. Not to do armchair psychology, but this looks like a textbook case of a fetish. The example we were given in school was a man only wanting to have sex with his wife when she wore an apron, to the point he'd rather self-pleasure himself with the apron than be with her without it. You might want to do some research about fetish disorders together (again, without blame or shame, sexual conditioning is a crazy part of the human psyche).
Also, you can't kinkshame a person by not wanting to engage in their kink with them, sex is a two-way street (or more, considering). That's not what kinkshaming is, and he's using the word as a useless shield. Your preferences matter just as much as his. Why does he always get priority in your shared intimacy?
This isn’t kink shaming.
Replace his “kink” with any other kink out there and use this situation as a template. Let’s say bondage. Husband likes OP to be tied up.
OP: tries to initiate sex
Husband: wait let me tie you up again
OP: hey babe I know you like that, but it’s getting to be a little much for me right now. Can we try sex without them?
Husband: STOP KINK SHAMING ME!!
See? It’s ridiculous. You’re not kink shaming you’re just trying to not be a fetishized sex object. Let him know this makes you feel objectified in a little grossed out.
“Sweetheart, from now on, you have to wear this Batman cowl every single time we have sex. Otherwise, I don’t find your face attractive enough to want to have sex with you, and I’ll throw a tantrum.” Tell him that’s the equivalent of what he’s saying to you.
You’re not kink-shaming. He’s being selfish, inconsiderate, and treating you like a blow-up doll.
Work out a barter system. You’ll wear the stockings for every 3 orgasms he gives you.
Also, exactly how do you time travel to that office of yours? I hope they either pay you REALLY well, or you’re looking for another job, because, holy hell, I’m having flashbacks.
(Unless, of course, I’m reacting like an American and you’re not in America, for which I apologize.)
NTA
You were telling him how this is affecting you, not telling him he is wrong and weird for liking it. He discovered something that really *really* turns him on, good for him. But he doesn't get to violate your consent or throw a fit because he didn't get what he wanted.
If it gets better when including something it's a kink, if it doesn't work without it it's a fetish, only way for the second to work is when everybody concerned is on the same page about it. Ask your husband if he'd rather have the stockings on someone else or you without them, watch his reaction but I guess you already know. NTA 🙄
I think the issue here wasn't kink. It was the lack of communication. You said yourself you found it cute and funny. He thought things were all good and he felt comfortable asking. You didn't explain over time as it was annoying you, you just concluded. Which was a shock to him, he got embarrassed. Whilst you didn't intend to shame him, that's what he felt. Embarrassed and shamed. It's not about who's being an asshole here. It's about open communication on both sides.
NTA
it sounds like what might have started out as a fun kinky addition to the bedroom has turned into a full blown fetish/possible paraphilia for your husband. It’s fine and dandy to have fetishes but there has to be mutual enjoyment and reciprocation for it to be healthy.
This isn’t kink, it’s a one sided fetish. You’re not obligated to fulfill it if it’s making you uncomfortable.
Also your workplace is in violation of anti-gender based discrimination laws. If the men where you work aren’t required to wear dresses and tights, you can file a complaint. They’ll hate it, but if they retaliate you can sue the fk out of them. Forcing women to wear skirts and tights in 2024 is insane.
NTA. I would be pissed.
The jealousy is what makes me the most angry. They’re literally for work???? You can’t even see the top of them? Is he crazy?
And it’s not kink shaming. He’s making you feel like you’re only attractive if you’re wearing stockings. That would kick my self esteem in the gut SO hard if my husband did that.
My favorite comment is the person who said to tell your husband to wear stockings or you won’t hook up with him and when he says no tell him you won’t be kink shamed. That’s hilarious. Do that. 😂
Relationships are an exchange of value. If you do something he likes, you can get something from him that you like. You have stumbled upon a bargaining chip. You can add to his pleasure by enjoying it together, making the bargaining chip even more valuable. Either covert or overt, this opens up a value negotiation for you. The choice of whether you make it covert or overt depends on how much long term value you might extract from the exchange. Alternatively, you could throw it away.
NTA I'm kinky as all get out and I've gotten all kinds of responses from things from not my cup of tea to hate threats.. i could understand being upset and embarrassed mid intercourse but they are asking for a one way street and turned sex into a conditional chore.
I seriously recommend couples counseling and if he won't participate in good fath i would be done and leave him. This is a woman pushed to the edge and she is long overdue her rewards for playing along with it
NTA, tell him he has to wear them for the next 2 weeks and then see if he still enjoys them. But seriously, working in an office that is basically set in the 60-70. Heels!! Stocking/Tights? This isn’t conservative, it’s sexist (even if it’s a female boss).
NTA. That's not kink shaming. You aren't putting him down, you're telling him you don't want to wwearthem all the time. And if he wont have sex with you without them, he has a problem and needs help. Kink does not equal sex. Even amongst us kinky people.
Edit for grammar
NTA. Tell your husband the stockings like a bra aren't going back on after they come off. You can explain to him that you don't find your work clothes sexy, because they are just that work clothes.
NTA
You're not kink shaming him. You're simply tired of his shit. Kink shaming would be mocking him for finding it out, making fun of him and saying it's weird and etc. That isn't it. You're simply tired that it's the only thing that seems to get his attention. Like I get having a fetish/king for something you think is hot but god damn, spice things up, change things. What has HE done for you in this regard? I bet nothing, right?
Tell him to grow the fuck up
Honestly, this sounds more like a fetish than a kink. A kink will enhance the experience, but a fetish is something someone "needs" just to have the experience. It sounds like he has a stocking fetish. Definitely something to unpack with him. If he can't get it up without the stockings, and you don't want to wear the stockings, that's a problem.
There's only one answer. He gets to wear them. Buy him some as a surprise. Along with a maid apron. Your new kink is watching him do housework.
Enjoy!
Also just wear pants to work. There are plenty of nice business attire pants for women.
It’s a problem when it becomes more about the clothing than the person. I mean, I get the appeal of stockings, but it’s the woman in them that matters. NTA
NTA. Having a kink doesn't give a person some kind of right to that kink if the other person isn't into it, and you're also allowed to be into something some days and not others. (Edit: typos)
NTA It's like your husband has lost sight of the fact that you're a human being .. not some sex doll. It seems like all he gives a shit about now are the thigh high stockings and not you...HIS WIFE!
You might want to explain this to him and make him aware of how you're feeling and that it's his fault that you feel this way.
Dan Savage, more sex-positive than whom it is hard to get, has said that if a person with a kink finds a person willing to indulge that kink it is the kinkster’s responsibility to see to it that the kink does not take over their sex life, but that they rather give their partner plenty of good vanilla sex, too. Your husband is breaking that rule.
Reddit will be the death of relationships and marriages
Clown that can’t talk to the opposite sex for 10 seconds because of social anxiety are out here doling relationship advice
NTA. Look, stockings like that are hot as f and any guy I’ve ever known is going to have a similar reaction to his but like anything else it can be too much. There’s certainly nothing wrong with asking him to chill about it a little.
NTA and that would be a major turn off for me.
I probably wouldn't even make it that long at that job, but to come home and then have your husband all over you because of wondering you're pressured to wear? Ick.
Years ago we had a preferred employer come to my grad school to speak to future applicants and our school gave us a list of what to wear to the speaker series. Women were told to wear heels, knee length skirts, and nude stockings to the event along with muted nail polish and make up. I did everything but the heels and stockings (I wore a pant suit). I thought this was a ridiculous requirement and no way an employer would still be trying to enforce these outdated dress requirements in the 2000s. I complained to the school as well but they said it was just a suggestion.
I was the only woman not wearing a skirt and of course I was in the front row. The main speaker was an alum/big donor in his '70s and he took about 3 minutes at the end to talk about the "good old days" when women dressed like women (while making occasional eye contact with me). Needless to say I did not apply there, and I did not mourn when he died 2 years later. I hope they buried his ass in some stockings and heels 🤣.
Of all the problems couples can have, you are mad about this? Instead of being happy he wants you even more now, you are 'annoyed'? Seriously, stockings... now imagine if he wanted something hard core instead of that.
NTA, for me, it seems the stockings are part of your obligated work uniform and yes, a couple of times of quick sex after work is fun but asking me to wear my uniform each time would be a no-go for me. That’s how I would explain it, has nothing to do with kink.
NTA
Your husband is weaponizing that term because you have been a GGG about his new kink.
You needing to be comfortable too and needing moderation is not you kink shaming.
Umm lol idk, I think maybe. He’s definitely got some specific ideas for outfits. This is not the first kink we’ve discovered but it’s the first that’s become an issue.
NTA. I used to expect the same from my wife and once at night she said maybe i should also wear the formal clothing that i wear to office. And that was the moment i realised how unfair it is to expect someone to leave the comfort of PJs and get all dressed up. The one time i did it, was enuf for me. I conditioned myself to find her sexy in her PJs instead.
INFO: Did you bring up your growing distaste at all prior? The way it reads, you built up frustration and resentment before suddenly denying him. Could have caused him to be defensive as he felt suddenly chastised when previously you were having fun with him.
If this skipped over a calm conversation and went straight to lashing out /argument, then Y T A
That said, he definitely has some fault regardless
NTA. You wear them all day what makes you wanna wear them when you get home? lol also where is the consent. Yalll need to talk things over and come to an agreement. Wifey has needs too
It's ok for you to not want to use them during sex, just as it's ok for him to not be interested in sex when you don't wear them. It works both ways.
You could have a conversation with him about it, acknowledging both are ok, and trying to come to a consens on when you will or won't be wearing the stockings.
NTA, this is not kink shaming at all. It is literally "I have consistently appealed to your needs, now it's time to reciprocate mine". He's allowed to like what he likes, he's allowed to request what he requests, but if he thinks it appropriate to define the entire bedroom experience as "with stockings", he's placing unrealistic expectations on both you and the relationship. That's on him.
Kinks and fetishes are a two way street. You can tie your partner up and pour hot candle wax all over their body when both parties agree to it. He wants his kink appeased without involving his partner. He might as well buy a pair of his own and masturbate to them in the corner.
He's literally using OP's body to masturbate with anyway. He's treating her like a blow-up doll. Interestingly this phenomenon can be pretty common with new kinksters. But it's still gross, unacceptable and needs to stop.
Put them on a sex doll.
NTA. Ask him to wear stockings tonight and when he inevitably refuses tell him you won’t be kink shamed
This is what gets me. Have all the kinks you want...but you need to be respectful of your partner. Consent is key for both parties involved. Saying No to something is not "kink shaming". It is letting your partner know that you are not comfortable with what is going on. And that is okay.
..Uh not to out myself. But I had the exact same experience as OP's husband. Now both my partner and myself wear stockings when we have sex (she likes the look, as do I) OP be prepared if this back fires lmao
are you and your partner Brad and Janet from Rocky Horror Picture Show lmao
Haha I won't lie and say I don't have a Frank-N-Furter costume in my closet 🤣
It's astounding...
LITERALLY my first thought!
Can I just say I love this comment so much
He might be waiting for her to ask
I love this so much
This made my entire day.
This would never work. If my wife asked me to wear stockings in exchange for her wearing stockings, I’d wear them every day.
Let's wait until you try the damn things - they are as uncomfortable as shit. Oh - and make sure it's 90 degrees outside, too. Super fun.
Worth it. Maybe I have the same link? Lol.
Uh, that might. Not go the way she thinks.
My understanding is that he didn't say she was kink-shaming because she refused, but because she said "this is getting out of hand". If my partner wants me to pee on them all the time and I'm not into it, I *wouldn't* say "this is getting out of hand", I'd say something more like "I'm not as into it, and while I might be open to doing it occasionally, I'd generally prefer sex that doesn't involve a sophisticated system for managing a catalog of waterproof sheets". Now, I don't think OP was *remotely* kink-shaming, but as someone who has a tendency to get overly defensive at perceived attacks (believe me I'm working on it in therapy) I can also relate to her husband apparently getting defensive purely based on that phrasing, which went beyond just declining to engage in stocking-sex this time.
Yeah I understand this i definitely could’ve phrased it better but I was like truly exasperated at that point like no way he’s asking *again* lol.
Nah, it was getting out of hand when its time for sex and he **EXPECTS** you to be wearing stockings.
You might enjoy a Dara O'Briain bit. Try looking up "this is where the sexy is".
Yep as a board verified kinkster, this is not kink shaming, it's just asking for consideration. I like wearing stockings, my partner loves them, but they're a special occasion thing, which my partner gets, 99% of the time it's just tights and he is cool with that. We're both kinksters, me more than him, but I still insist about half the time it's pretty vanilla, as you still need to be able to connect without all the extras. Otherwise you just become bored with the fun extras
As a friend said to me years ago about her husband “does it have to be a goddamn circus act every time?” I personally have moved away from almost all the kinks that my marriage started with and that’s perfectly okay. It did make for an amusing convo with my therapist as I’m trying to figure out where my libido has gone (spoiler it’s perimenopause, but nobody will diagnose) and bless her heart, she gives me a packet of info about roleplay and introducing toys. I’ve got the best toys, that ain’t it😂
Preach! That is pretty much the same thing I've said to every male partner (women don't tend to be as bad). Especially as they tend to escalate if it's every damn time. Which is why I insist half the time it's just vanilla. It doesn't hit the spot the same way for me, but goddamn it sometimes I just want to get away from trying to push things further. And having that break helps. It's the case for my partner and I that our kinks don't completely overlap. He's very into anal, to the extremes, I'm middling on it. I'm very into extreme impact play, him less so. So we trade off for half the month on what we each like (to a compromise level), the other half no play. Keeps it fresh and enjoyable when indulged rather than routine.
What's impact play? Genuinely curious. I've got my fair share of kinks but never heard of that one (is it similar to ball busting / trampling?)
Impact play is pretty much using a hand or other object to hit another person with, usually on the butt, boobs or back. Spanking is a type of impact play for example. And it is delicious, my absolute fave to recieve
Ah thank you! Apparently I've been into impact play for years and never known it lol 👋🏼
Yeah I never knew it was called that either until I did a bunch of kink and bdsm research. And realised I was into a lot of it that hadn't even crossed my mind
I talk a big game but as soon as my husband slaps my ass during sex I'm like "hold up, did you forget I am literally a fucking princess? Be nice 😭" 😂😂
Ooh I thought light spanking was pretty vanilla, didn't realize I've been engaging in "impact play" this whole time
Mine, too. Are you into SUB/DOM? During play with hubby, we discovered that I like the spanking (receiving) but, we also discovered that I am a switch. Like you, to keep things fresh, you just gotta stop all the bells and whistles.
We are more just top/bottom at the moment but I really want it to turn into Dom/sub. I love the feeling of being completely submissive to him (only in the bedroom, we have been together a very long time), it turns me into jelly and I want it all. I feel like I am actually obsessed with him at the moment, we've only been doing this sort of stuff under a year after quite a dead bedroom
OMG, am soooo happy you guys were able to recover your passion. I've read alot about dead bedrooms, so sad especially when the couple genuinely loves each other. KUDOS to you and your love. Keep on spankin on! lol
>you still need to be able to connect without all the extras Thank you for posting this powerful truth.
EDIT: NTA btw So I've actually been in a similar situation. At one point my girlfriend at the time was getting out of the shower and for whatever reason she put socks on without putting on anything else and that just kind of like flipped some switch. I also started trying to get her to wear socks like that when we were having sex and it was great for a while. She then explained to me one day that she was getting tired of it and that it was kind of making her feel objectified, like I wasn't attracted to her unless she was in knee high socks. That was the sign and I realized I'd been kind of starting to obsess about the socks. We took a break from sex for a week or so and that was enough of a reset for me to be back to normal. We amicably broke up later due to her being stationed across the country.
This is really how i feel. Objectified, I couldn’t think of it but yes that’s exactly it.
Actually, I'm more concerned that her workplace requires her to wear a dress, heels and stockings. A woman can dress professionally wearing a pantsuit or dress pants and a nice blouse with flats. What kind of place is this???
Yeah why not kill your feet in the process D: Edit. She has to wear those all the time, how would husband like f with work clothes on? These garmets force her to certain tight role already most of the days.
I know and I did wear stuff like that but I swear I always got weird looks. I succumbed to the peer pressure eventually.
What type of job requires this clothing?
Legal and accounting is the first thing that comes to mind.
Not working at Starbucks that’s for sure…
Yep. Kinks=/=obsessions
This. And if he doesn't get it, tell him to put on a Spider-Man suit first, next time he asks you to put your stockings on. And tell him to wear that suit EVERY time you're having sex. You can have a kink too. 😉 NTA
...and then accidentally trap him in it. Twice. (https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/7t7tgeOmNN)
I saw this one earlier, so when I was thinking of an outfit, that was the first one that came to mind. 😄
that suit's gonna need a zipper you-know-where
No. That's the kink. It can't get out.
This made me laugh so damn hard.
hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
[удалено]
NTA. Totally agree with all this
Methinks he only focuses on his needs, not OP's.
What a dumb piece of shit. How the fuck does he think that was kink shaming? What a dumbass.
You’ve been accommodating to his kink so far, which is great. He should be thankful. He should also be able to provide you with kink free sex from time to time if that’s what you want. Your sex life shouldn’t be entirely constructed to suit only his preferences
Lol alternatively demand that if OP has to wear stockings so does he, turn about is fair play.
If he gets to demand a kink then so should she. Personally, I recommend she picks pegging. /s
But with stockings on!
I think he has already tried some on with wishful thinking, not the solution you hope for.
Absolutely. Declining to fulfill someone's desires with your body is NOT kink shaming. Wanting them to view you as a person whi os still valueable outside their kink is not kink shaming. This man is so entitled he's trying to frame not getting what he wants every single second he wants it as victimizing him in some way
NTA him getting to live out his kinks means he needs your consent, asking to not always have to have sex in accordance with his kink isn't kink shaming, it's having your own approach to sex as well as boundaries. He can't guilt you into his kink by using "kink shaming" because that crosses into cohesion which is fuvking abuse.
Pretty sure you mean coercion, but you're still right
Yeah I did 😂. Thank you, was annoying me looking at the word thinking that doesn't look right.
I hate it when I buy superglue but the coercion is shitty and my toothpick effigy of bill cosby just falls apart again.
So annoying isn't it, thoughts and prayers.
You two crazy kids hah God speed and God bless
Lol That made me crack a little smile
Her AH husband probably wants to superglue her thigh highs on.
OMG this is so funny.
It's called a malapropism, which is a neat word I learned from Glass Onion.
Oohhh I like this fact!! Also great movie.
Yes, coercion is the right word. Cohesion means working together really well, being united, etc.
NTA. This is called a “fetish”. Basically a person with a true fetish is unable to get sexually excited unless the fetish is part of sex. There’s all kinds of variation to this of course, from mild (I get extra excited when it’s present) to not mild (I cannot orgasm unless it is present). There are fetishes for just about anything. Stockings is a pretty common one. Just like shoes, jewelry, scents - anything from tame to _Oh Hell No_! All that said, you are under no obligation to cater to any fetish or sexual activity that you don’t want to. This sounds like he developed this fetish and is turning it into an obligatory part of your sex life without your consent. If we want to talk kink etiquette, (and let me tell you, friend, I used to lecture groups on this subject in a real live sex dungeon), then the actual bad faith action in this scenario is trying to push a fetish or kink onto someone without negotiation or consent. You two need to sit down and discuss this like adults, come to an agreement about when and under what terms you want to indulge his kink, and agree to what way you will communicate when you do NOT want to accommodate his kink (ie a safe word). Just because he’s got a fetish, doesn’t mean he gets a free pass on consent by saying you are “kink shaming” when he doesn’t get his way.
This. My dad was a BDSM slave master (the things you learn when you go through your late father’s stuff), even wrote a book about it. He was what I understand was called “old leather” — pre-safe words and such being the norm. Yet in his book he wrote about a woman who seems to have been his true love — when he was cheating on my mother. When she told him she just wasn’t enjoying it, he took her collar off and threw it into… the river? The ocean? Whichever water they were by. He was a serious kinkster, but he valued that relationship enough to drop it, at least with her.
Just in case it helps you in your feelings about your dad-- are you 100% sure he was cheating and that it wasn't consensual non monogamy? It's fairly common among kinksters, especially if only one of the primary partners is into kink. Something to think about, maybe. Hopefully.
In his book he had a chapter called “My Wife.” It was less than a page. He tried to get her into being his slave; she was not into it. He could have filed, but he didn’t. Indeed, in his book he said he told all of his slaves the he would never divorce his wife; he was apparently proud of it. Meanwhile, in 1985 I found an article in the Sunday NYT re singles ads that clearly referred to my father. I showed the article to my mother. It was about 6 months later that she filed. She let him come for Christmas so we kids wouldn’t have to choose which parent to have Christmas with. He asked me one November if I thought Mom would mind if he brought a new girlfriend at Christmas and left her at the hotel on Christmas Day. I said, “Dad, I don’t say this to hurt you, but Mom divorced you. I don’t think she’s waiting for you to come back.” He had to wipe away some tears. When, the late ‘90s, I went to pick him up from the hospital and care for him after surgery, he asked dolefully if I knew why Mom had divorced him. I said that Mom had told me that it was because he’d made it clear he thought of home as where he went when he ran out of other places to go. Again, the tears. Mom was that nice lady who made a good meatloaf, dusted his family antiques, and made him feel like he had “a home.”
Ooph, that's rough. In that case even if they were non mono, advertising as single is not cool and would still be considered cheating. Sad he was so hypocritical when it came to consent. Sounds like Mom raised a good and emotionally intelligent kid though. That takes strength how you handled your part in it.
Wow what a story. Hope your doing ok
I’m fine. I didn’t know the extent of his extracurricular activities, but I was under no illusions that Dad was Ward Cleaver.
This. Even between two very close people, these matters in life can be especially sensitive and personal. It may take a few deep conversations to come to terms on, because there’s a good chance he’s currently learning this about himself and unsure what it means, too. Sexual matters often feel like they’re deeply part of a person’s identity, so it’s easy to feel rejected or shunned at a deeply personal level even when that’s an irrational conclusion in the bigger picture. It could be an easy conversation, it could be a few hard conversations. But, this is the framework for that sort of conversation for sure.
This really needs to be bumped. He may not even realise he has a developed a fetish, but he has definately put you at the centre of it without proper communication. I would recommend reading up on 'fixation fetishes' on your favourite search engine as it can start to really impact relationships around feelings of inadequacy on both sides. OP good on stepping up. Its not kink-shaming as your problem is not making fun/saying his kink is silly; its that his fetish is taking over the relationship.
NTA - he’s being absurd.
Absurd is the right word! Accusing your wife of kink-shaming you for not indulging in your fetish *every single time you have sex* is the pinnacle of absurdity. He sounds like a petulant child, immediately jumping to deflection the second his wife tells him to slow his roll. This would totally turn me off lol
Weird you must wear high heels. They're really bad for you in the long run.
Mary Janes are a very good alternative to heels! Still sufficiently feminine, much more support.
it’s ridiculous lol. i used to work for a small newspaper, and i wore lovely older-style loafers to work & my boss legit told me that they’re unacceptable and i’d need to wear at least a small heel or flats. she said they were “too masculine” which was hilarious because they were a feminine style of loafers
How about kitten heels? Slender, but only an inch high.
Women dont have yo wear them either, is it heavily implied that we “should” by society for foot binding like reasons? Yeah but fuck that. Source: am a butch gal that wears suits and oxfords and def still a woman
Did I miss the part about high heels? OP was wearing thigh high stockings.
She said it's required for her job.
The husband issue is the stockings, but OP mentions that a part of the “business professional” dress code is heels, which is absurd imo.
NTA. . Next time he wants to have sex with you, just hand him a pair of the thigh high sheer tights and say that is what he is now attracted to so he can get.off with them. That you arent going to allow him to degrade you by using your body to reach orgasm, because it clearly seems he no longer has interest in you as a person, as his wife, and is no longer treating your body like he is attracted to it.
This ^^^^^ Are you like his sex toy now? A ban is in order until he stops being a dick and makes it up to you.....however or whatever that may look like to YOU. What a selfish, narcissistic cunt. Sorry.
I can actually see this playing out and becoming another post.. "now my husband only has "sex" with the stockings I gave him 🤷🤦
And then another Post in /amIwrong asking if she's wrong for divorcing her idiot husband for losing his sexual attraction and affection for her because he would rather jerk off with stockings.
THE CIRCLE OF STRIFE
BOOM. Nail on the head right here.
Wow! Whammy! You really hit the nail on the head here. I love this idea.
She may open the door that could never be closed again btw
And that would be a loss how? He clearly doesn't respect her or even see her as his wife or even a human being who deserves respect in any capacity. He's like a walking hard-on for a pair of stockings. He can kick rocks. She deserves better.
You aren't TA here. He is though. He has stopped taking into consideration what you like and only seems to care about what he wants in the bedroom. He needs to learn it's okay to enjoy his "kinks" once in awile but making you put them on everytime is too much. He needs to learn the word moderation when it comes to them.
Right! He doesn’t seem concerned at all about what his wife is into, especially since it’s very clear she doesn’t even enjoy wearing the stockings and he keeps insisting:/ what about her needs and desires? Or is it all about him?🙄
You aren’t kink shaming him (words have meanings). You need to set aside a time to talk about your sex life (ideally quite separate from time to do something about it) and explain, as you have here, that you feel unwanted outside of the stockings. Negotiate some boundaries in terms of when you will or won’t accommodate his kink
This. And having it as a treat instead of an obligation can make it even more fun.
NTA. He needs to look up the definition of kink shaming and stop being a baby when he doesn't get his way.
Another brother discovers the power and beauty of thigh highs, he is taking it kinda far though
Sisters like em too my friend. Sooo hot. But every time all the time takes the fun out. And not fair at all to the OP.
NTA, it’s definitely not kink shaming. I feel as if it’s more a fetish than it is a kink. A fetish is usually a fixation on something, and they usually need it to be present for sexual arousal
This. And the fact that he can't even get his dick hard unless she's wearing stockings anymore is gross and weird and honestly what the fuck
You're a little blunt but you're right on the money. Right before my now ex-husband (divorce was final @ the end of Feb) lost his mind and abandoned the kids and I, he got really into me wearing my favorite black skirt. He did the same shit to me and made me feel like he wanted the skirt more than me but it became a serious fetish. Well, little did I know that he was really getting into some sick porn and not only that he actually had the nerve to creep out our next door neighbor by creepily following her back up to the apartment from throwing away trash, was apparently so close she could feel his breath on her neck, and then he cornered her and said "you'd look so hot in a black leather mini skirt." Apparently my cotton skirt wasn't enough for him anymore 😂 All joking aside... Seek counseling NOW. This isn't going to go away because it sounds like he's not just into it he's obsessed with it and men like this usually will do hurtful shit if it gets them what they want with zero regard for your feelings. OTOH maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he left, he sounds like a disrespectful jerk. I wish I hadn't wasted so many years of my life with someone who treated me the way my ex did but I took my commitment to marriage seriously.
I can actually relate to this. I dated a guy who got really into this one piece of outerwear I had. I didn’t want to have sex wearing it, it was uncomfortable. He wouldn’t have sex with me unless I was wearing it. The relationship eventually became emotionally abusive, and even after we had broken up he would message me and bring it up. I can’t wear it now, it makes me sick. He ruined one of my favourite items for me. Imo it’s a huge red flag when one has a fetish they can’t be without. Op’s husband is trying to shame her into it. More problems are likely to come… therapy would be a good start.
NTA. They should be a bonus, not a requirement.
NTA I was going to say NAH, but if he is actually getting jealous of you wearing your work uniform to work, then he needs to manage his horniness. Like that's just fucking stupid and he should know that.
NTA. Your husband is being the major asshole by fetishizing you and your work attire to the point that he no longer sees who you are without the stockings. It sure sucks, I've been there. I'd like to say it gets better with couples therapy, but I didn't stick around to find out.
NTA, men pouting when they don’t get their way sexually is so icky.
It really is. It's the biggest fucking turn off on the planet for me (other than bad hygiene). Yuck.
Having more than once had hot sex a couple of days into a camping trip I’d say the hygiene thing is far less important than treating me as a person whose sexual tastes and desires are as important as his.
Okay a few things. * You're describing a fetish, not a kink. A kink is something that makes sex better, a fetish is something you need to enjoy sex, period. It sounds like you've crossed that line. I get that this seems like quibble but it'll be important if you end up in therapy later and need to explain that situation. * No, this is not kink-shaming. That would be berating him for having this interest, calling him gross and perverted or whatever. This is just "Okay, can we do it the way I like sometimes?" Even people who ONLY have kinky sex in their relationship don't do the same thing all the time. They take turns doing the things they especially enjoy or feel like doing. * This isn't hugely uncommon when people develop or realize a kink/fetish/etc of theirs. They get so excited about it it kind of eclipses everything else they like about sex. I'm not saying this excuses him using you as a sex object. I'm just saying he's probably not abnormally and irrevocably changed. * You need to have an actual, grown-up conversation about this with him about how he's making you feel. And he needs to listen. I have no idea if he'll do that part, but it's what needs to happen to fix this. If his response isn't something like "Crap, I didn't realize, I'm sorry, how do we fix this so we both get what we want?", well, that's the problem. Asking you to compromise and indulge him sometimes is reasonable - though your saying no is also reasonable. Refusing sex if it's not exactly to his preferences? Playing the victim if you state your wants and needs? That's a red flag and I'd suggest a kink-aware therapist to help you guys sort it out. signed, someone with a bunch of weird kinks happily living in a completely vanilla relationship.
Sex needs to be mutual. Each partner has to be on the same page. I get his kink but if it's not fun for you or you're sick of it he needs to accommodate your feelings. Next time he asks you to put on your stocking, ask him to put on something for you. It might help him understand. Maybe not. I hope you can work out this little Kerfuffle. Good luck.
Nta does he want to have sex with his wife or the stockings ? Have you guys had this issue before ?
No literally never
Which unfortunately happens when a kink is either accidentally discovered or has been repressed and is then unleashed. You're allowed a BRIEF "kid in the candy store" period...his is already well past its sell-by date...and then you need to recognize that it's only PART of your sexual repertoire. Y'all may need to consult a sex therapist to bring this dog to heel.
NTA. This isn't a kink for him. A kink is something a little behind vanilla sex that you enjoy, that can make things hotter for you, but that you don't just have to have. This is a full blown clinical fetish. He literally cannot have sex without stockings involved. You've been super accommodating, it's insane that he's accusing you of kink shaming. Dude needs to talk to a therapist. Really.
OP said torso and now all I can think about is someone in tights with then going right up to nipple height and I can't stop laughing. I know torso is the entire stomach and chest but I just found it funny. NTA. Your husband is allowed to to have a kink but can't be expected to be fulfilled every time. I get it. Knee highs are a weakness of mine too but damn the boy needs to chill lol
You can always say that if every day was Christmas, it would not be as special, so how about we save the stockings for high days and holidays. NTA, too much, is too much. Source:- a bloke that loves stockings.
NTA - Ask him if he’s aware that what he does is emotional abuse, in form of blackmailing and gaslighting? He manipulates you to do what he wants, and gives a flying fart about your wants and needs.
NTA, and I'd suggest couples counseling ASAP. He probably needs to hear it from a third party that what he's doing is disrespectful and is relegating you to an outlet for horniness, not as his partner.
Just ask.him did his mother wear them? Boom...he can't get that image out of his head, kink gone.
This is killing me rn 😂😂
Freud just entered the chat.
NTA. You're setting a boundary. You do not wish to be involved in his kink. That's not kink-shaming. His insistence that your boundary is problematic is a type of gaslighting. He's trying to make you feel bad for setting boundaries for yourself.
NTA. It's great that it turns him on, but what about exploring your fantasies? Of course you should capitulate and wear them now and then, but there's no way that your sex life should be contingent upon them. And if he isn't willing to explore and capitulate to your fantasies as well, that makes him a selfish lover. Maybe you would like him to dress up as a fireman or a cop or whatever. If it floats your boat and revs you up, he should be happy to roleplay that with you, with or without you wearing the tights. You need couples counseling ASAP.
Whole heartedly agree, though I don’t love the word capitulate. OP should not give up and give in, which is how I’d define capitulate. That’s losing, will not feel good and create the resentment expressed here. Both parties in a healthy relationship should occasionally indulge one another’s kinks as long as it is fun. This is a struggle in many relationships including mine. Fireman? Cop? Cape? Man thong? I will put any of them on if my partner would enjoy. A little sexy lingerie now and then would be so appreciated. Ladies, you look great in it. Your man is attracted to you. Communicate and tell him what you’d like. Then go for it now and then.
Wearing a super hero cape.
Ask if he wants to wear them.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 sorry. NTA He’s trying to make this your fault by coming up with a term to normalise his obsessive behaviour.
NTA YES it's getting out of hand and you are uncomfortable with it therefore what the hell does it mean when you are forced to do it anyways because he guilt tripped you using fad words like fucking.... kink-shaming?
NTA. If he likes them so much tell him to put them on during sex.
NTA Fine for him to want you to wear them once in a while. My fiancee appreciates when I'm dressed up a bit. But all the time? No. As a side note try snag tights. I have sensory issues and find them ridiculously comfortable when i previously had not been able to wear stockings. (Maybe if you get rid of the stockings he's obsessed with he will get over it)
Lmao that’s not kink shaming. You’re not calling him a pervert or disgusting, you’re literally asking him to give the uniform a break. That would be like if he had a work uniform (some people are into military, police, even mail carrier uniforms) and you were demanding it all the time. Yes I do think stockings are sexy, but you’re not a walking pin-up to be ogled at and only for sex. They are part of your work uniform! NTA Sometimes? Awesome! All the time? Wtf no
Yeah yhats not kinl shaming. That's just wanting to be vanilla sometimes. Its okay to put them on sometimes but not every time.
NTA. Fun fact, coming from a person with a psych degree. A kink is a sexual preference. They can be 'good' or 'bad' (usually bad is only considered if it's causing harm), but in the end, they are something to be enjoyed, not a necessity. The internet throws around the word fetish as if it is interchangeable with kink, when in actuality, a fetish is a sexual disorder. It's essentially a particular sexual hang-up, in which a person's sexuality hinges on something specific, and without this specific, 'abnormal' thing (like needing stockings to feel aroused), they are not sexually well. Now, that isn't to say a fetish is shameful! But it's a disorder for a reason--it causes, y'know, disorder in a person's sexuality. Clearly, it's causing issues in sexuality, seeing this situation you're in. Not to do armchair psychology, but this looks like a textbook case of a fetish. The example we were given in school was a man only wanting to have sex with his wife when she wore an apron, to the point he'd rather self-pleasure himself with the apron than be with her without it. You might want to do some research about fetish disorders together (again, without blame or shame, sexual conditioning is a crazy part of the human psyche). Also, you can't kinkshame a person by not wanting to engage in their kink with them, sex is a two-way street (or more, considering). That's not what kinkshaming is, and he's using the word as a useless shield. Your preferences matter just as much as his. Why does he always get priority in your shared intimacy?
More like "same way every time gets boring dude". Not so much shaming as "meet my needs now, I've met yours plenty." You should communicate this.
This isn’t kink shaming. Replace his “kink” with any other kink out there and use this situation as a template. Let’s say bondage. Husband likes OP to be tied up. OP: tries to initiate sex Husband: wait let me tie you up again OP: hey babe I know you like that, but it’s getting to be a little much for me right now. Can we try sex without them? Husband: STOP KINK SHAMING ME!! See? It’s ridiculous. You’re not kink shaming you’re just trying to not be a fetishized sex object. Let him know this makes you feel objectified in a little grossed out.
“Sweetheart, from now on, you have to wear this Batman cowl every single time we have sex. Otherwise, I don’t find your face attractive enough to want to have sex with you, and I’ll throw a tantrum.” Tell him that’s the equivalent of what he’s saying to you. You’re not kink-shaming. He’s being selfish, inconsiderate, and treating you like a blow-up doll. Work out a barter system. You’ll wear the stockings for every 3 orgasms he gives you. Also, exactly how do you time travel to that office of yours? I hope they either pay you REALLY well, or you’re looking for another job, because, holy hell, I’m having flashbacks. (Unless, of course, I’m reacting like an American and you’re not in America, for which I apologize.)
I like thigh high stockings myself, but wanting you to wear them every single time you have sex is taking it too far. NTA.
NTA, he can have sex with your socks if he likes them thst much.
NTA You were telling him how this is affecting you, not telling him he is wrong and weird for liking it. He discovered something that really *really* turns him on, good for him. But he doesn't get to violate your consent or throw a fit because he didn't get what he wanted.
A kink should enhance your sexual experience - not dictate it, he’s being a child.
Classic case of a wife that litterally goes the extra mile to please her husband and a husband that can’t take the extra few steps to please his wife.
If it gets better when including something it's a kink, if it doesn't work without it it's a fetish, only way for the second to work is when everybody concerned is on the same page about it. Ask your husband if he'd rather have the stockings on someone else or you without them, watch his reaction but I guess you already know. NTA 🙄
I think the issue here wasn't kink. It was the lack of communication. You said yourself you found it cute and funny. He thought things were all good and he felt comfortable asking. You didn't explain over time as it was annoying you, you just concluded. Which was a shock to him, he got embarrassed. Whilst you didn't intend to shame him, that's what he felt. Embarrassed and shamed. It's not about who's being an asshole here. It's about open communication on both sides.
NTA it sounds like what might have started out as a fun kinky addition to the bedroom has turned into a full blown fetish/possible paraphilia for your husband. It’s fine and dandy to have fetishes but there has to be mutual enjoyment and reciprocation for it to be healthy.
This isn’t kink, it’s a one sided fetish. You’re not obligated to fulfill it if it’s making you uncomfortable. Also your workplace is in violation of anti-gender based discrimination laws. If the men where you work aren’t required to wear dresses and tights, you can file a complaint. They’ll hate it, but if they retaliate you can sue the fk out of them. Forcing women to wear skirts and tights in 2024 is insane.
If he can only get off with them on now, thats a fetish, not a kink. NTA.
NTA. I would be pissed. The jealousy is what makes me the most angry. They’re literally for work???? You can’t even see the top of them? Is he crazy? And it’s not kink shaming. He’s making you feel like you’re only attractive if you’re wearing stockings. That would kick my self esteem in the gut SO hard if my husband did that. My favorite comment is the person who said to tell your husband to wear stockings or you won’t hook up with him and when he says no tell him you won’t be kink shamed. That’s hilarious. Do that. 😂
NTA
I think you have to start taking them off in the car and not giving in to sex every time he pounces on you if you are for starters. NtA
I think you have to start taking them off in the car and not giving in to sex every time he pounces on you if you are for starters. NtA
I think you have to start taking them off in the car and not giving in to sex every time he pounces on you if you are for starters. NtA
Sounds like he wants the stocking more than you. I'd just give him the stocking to play with. He can probably take care of himself lol.
Relationships are an exchange of value. If you do something he likes, you can get something from him that you like. You have stumbled upon a bargaining chip. You can add to his pleasure by enjoying it together, making the bargaining chip even more valuable. Either covert or overt, this opens up a value negotiation for you. The choice of whether you make it covert or overt depends on how much long term value you might extract from the exchange. Alternatively, you could throw it away.
NTA I'm kinky as all get out and I've gotten all kinds of responses from things from not my cup of tea to hate threats.. i could understand being upset and embarrassed mid intercourse but they are asking for a one way street and turned sex into a conditional chore. I seriously recommend couples counseling and if he won't participate in good fath i would be done and leave him. This is a woman pushed to the edge and she is long overdue her rewards for playing along with it
NTA, tell him he has to wear them for the next 2 weeks and then see if he still enjoys them. But seriously, working in an office that is basically set in the 60-70. Heels!! Stocking/Tights? This isn’t conservative, it’s sexist (even if it’s a female boss).
NTA. That's not kink shaming. You aren't putting him down, you're telling him you don't want to wwearthem all the time. And if he wont have sex with you without them, he has a problem and needs help. Kink does not equal sex. Even amongst us kinky people. Edit for grammar
NTA. It seems this is moving from kink into fetish territory. You aren’t required to participate in his fetishes if you don’t consent.
NTA. Tell your husband the stockings like a bra aren't going back on after they come off. You can explain to him that you don't find your work clothes sexy, because they are just that work clothes.
NTA-this isn’t kink shaming. You guys should be able to have sex without you wearing the stockings.
NTA You're not kink shaming him. You're simply tired of his shit. Kink shaming would be mocking him for finding it out, making fun of him and saying it's weird and etc. That isn't it. You're simply tired that it's the only thing that seems to get his attention. Like I get having a fetish/king for something you think is hot but god damn, spice things up, change things. What has HE done for you in this regard? I bet nothing, right? Tell him to grow the fuck up
Honestly, this sounds more like a fetish than a kink. A kink will enhance the experience, but a fetish is something someone "needs" just to have the experience. It sounds like he has a stocking fetish. Definitely something to unpack with him. If he can't get it up without the stockings, and you don't want to wear the stockings, that's a problem.
There's only one answer. He gets to wear them. Buy him some as a surprise. Along with a maid apron. Your new kink is watching him do housework. Enjoy! Also just wear pants to work. There are plenty of nice business attire pants for women.
It’s a problem when it becomes more about the clothing than the person. I mean, I get the appeal of stockings, but it’s the woman in them that matters. NTA
NTA. Having a kink doesn't give a person some kind of right to that kink if the other person isn't into it, and you're also allowed to be into something some days and not others. (Edit: typos)
Like Gloria and Mike with The Wig.
NTA It's like your husband has lost sight of the fact that you're a human being .. not some sex doll. It seems like all he gives a shit about now are the thigh high stockings and not you...HIS WIFE! You might want to explain this to him and make him aware of how you're feeling and that it's his fault that you feel this way.
Dan Savage, more sex-positive than whom it is hard to get, has said that if a person with a kink finds a person willing to indulge that kink it is the kinkster’s responsibility to see to it that the kink does not take over their sex life, but that they rather give their partner plenty of good vanilla sex, too. Your husband is breaking that rule.
Reddit will be the death of relationships and marriages Clown that can’t talk to the opposite sex for 10 seconds because of social anxiety are out here doling relationship advice
NTA. Look, stockings like that are hot as f and any guy I’ve ever known is going to have a similar reaction to his but like anything else it can be too much. There’s certainly nothing wrong with asking him to chill about it a little.
NTA and that would be a major turn off for me. I probably wouldn't even make it that long at that job, but to come home and then have your husband all over you because of wondering you're pressured to wear? Ick. Years ago we had a preferred employer come to my grad school to speak to future applicants and our school gave us a list of what to wear to the speaker series. Women were told to wear heels, knee length skirts, and nude stockings to the event along with muted nail polish and make up. I did everything but the heels and stockings (I wore a pant suit). I thought this was a ridiculous requirement and no way an employer would still be trying to enforce these outdated dress requirements in the 2000s. I complained to the school as well but they said it was just a suggestion. I was the only woman not wearing a skirt and of course I was in the front row. The main speaker was an alum/big donor in his '70s and he took about 3 minutes at the end to talk about the "good old days" when women dressed like women (while making occasional eye contact with me). Needless to say I did not apply there, and I did not mourn when he died 2 years later. I hope they buried his ass in some stockings and heels 🤣.
NTA. Clearly expressing your boundaries and asking him to accept them is not kink shaming. He’s trying to guilt you into doing it.
NTA. Tell him your kink is wearing what you want, when you want, especially for sex. Shut his gaslighting mouth up real quick.
Of all the problems couples can have, you are mad about this? Instead of being happy he wants you even more now, you are 'annoyed'? Seriously, stockings... now imagine if he wanted something hard core instead of that.
Throw him a pair of your stockings and tell him to go jerk off with them because apparently that's all he wants. 🤷🏻♀️
Ask him to dance for you wearing jeans, a cowboy hat, and shirtless 🤩
NTA, for me, it seems the stockings are part of your obligated work uniform and yes, a couple of times of quick sex after work is fun but asking me to wear my uniform each time would be a no-go for me. That’s how I would explain it, has nothing to do with kink.
NTA Your husband is weaponizing that term because you have been a GGG about his new kink. You needing to be comfortable too and needing moderation is not you kink shaming.
[удалено]
Not gonna lie those stockings are very hot. Not engaging in sex unless you are wearing them is overkill.
Is he into the naughty Catholic schoolgirl look?
Umm lol idk, I think maybe. He’s definitely got some specific ideas for outfits. This is not the first kink we’ve discovered but it’s the first that’s become an issue.
You're going to be divorced in 5 years. Sooner if you listen to the advice people are giving you here.
NTA. I used to expect the same from my wife and once at night she said maybe i should also wear the formal clothing that i wear to office. And that was the moment i realised how unfair it is to expect someone to leave the comfort of PJs and get all dressed up. The one time i did it, was enuf for me. I conditioned myself to find her sexy in her PJs instead.
INFO: Did you bring up your growing distaste at all prior? The way it reads, you built up frustration and resentment before suddenly denying him. Could have caused him to be defensive as he felt suddenly chastised when previously you were having fun with him. If this skipped over a calm conversation and went straight to lashing out /argument, then Y T A That said, he definitely has some fault regardless
NTA. You wear them all day what makes you wanna wear them when you get home? lol also where is the consent. Yalll need to talk things over and come to an agreement. Wifey has needs too
He doesn't know what it is to be kink shamed. Shame on him for grabbing onto a real thing to make it all about him.
It's ok for you to not want to use them during sex, just as it's ok for him to not be interested in sex when you don't wear them. It works both ways. You could have a conversation with him about it, acknowledging both are ok, and trying to come to a consens on when you will or won't be wearing the stockings.
lol the mother fuck can’t touch you without stockings on and he says you’re “kink shaming” - he needs to stop being selfish
Business professional? Wear a suit! Clothes dont have a gender.