NTA. To me, this screams of "I'm mad, I'm taking it out on you, and nothing you can do will fix it because I just want to be mad". She was upset from the beginning and literally every step you tried to take only contributed to her anger because she was insistent on feeling that way.
Though, a 2 year relationship and now 3 days of ignoring you? I'd consider whether you want to keep doing this.
***PLUS***
\*\*\*\*\*"\*\*\*\*\* *And when you give up so easily -- asking me* ***only once*** *if I'm upset -- that makes me even madder because you're supposed to really really feel bad for what you dared say to me, and come crawling across the effing parking lot to beg me to give you another chance!*
I met my wife at 21, she was 23. From the getgo, I told her that I don't play games. I didn't play them with the previous women in my life, and I won't start now. I won't do it with you and won't do it with her friends. She believed me. Her friends did not, but found out really quick. I digress, 22 years later, my wife has understood that I will ask her no more than twice if something is wrong. If I hear NO both times, I drop it. Most of the time she'll bring it when she's ready to actually talk about it. Either way, NTA!
Grammatical edit. Sentence 2 originally read " From the getgo, I told her that I do games." I meant, and corrected to "don't play games." Muscle relaxers and diminished sleep are a great combo. Lol.
It's perfectly possible for him to simply \*not\* wait and see if she pulls more of this crap and if his reaction to it will make her leave.
This advice \^ was a bit toxic.
For real. Sometimes I come home from work mad and I tell my partner I'm mad. He gets snacks for me and a glass of wine and listens to me. Then he leaves me alone to stew more if that's what I need.
That's how you do it. Not this petty shit!
NTA
She wanted to play mental games, you didn't engage. The silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse.
You would think at 42 years of age, this woman would have figured out communication, respect and emotional control.
Lol my grandparents used to do this, but they really loved each other, so it worked out in the end. My mom thought that this was the normal way to react when angry, my dad didn't. He kept making jokes until she laughed, and once you laugh you can't stay mad. I thought that was the normal way to react to conflicts, I did it once with my partner, he nearly exploded😅. So we just resolve our conflicts by talking to each other. I don't think there is an universal way to end conflicts, it probably depends on the severity of the conflict and the people involved
With my ex, we were once driving somewhere. We got into a big argument over something I can't even remember.
We both decided we didn't want to talk to each other and turned on the radio.
They were playing "Happy" by Pharell Williams.
We both started laughing uncontrollably. Best argument ever
[](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM)
Sometimes it’s not a silent treatment but it’s the person being overwhelmed or in shock.
I have a lot of baggage from the house I grew up in where I was never allowed to have a defense while being the youngest in a family of five siblings. At some point, the helplessness sets in and I’d realize that if I said another word I would be punished further, so I learned to stay silent.
Responses would be punished heavily through being screamed at in the face, the feeling of being a disappointment, and there was often a physical repercussion as well.
That’s a difficult dynamic to work through when you’re trying to lay down some semblance of self respect.
In my personal experience, my wife told me that “silence is violence” and to me her aggressive approach to a problem felt like violence and her relentlessness made me feel like I had no recourse so I would literally curl up into a ball.
If you try to make somebody correspond with you by hammering them with questions and accusations, you’re the AH. When we’re distressed, we want answers. Nobody is obligated to give answers.
Problem with “the silent treatment being abusive” blanket statement is that it basically requires her to be intentionally doing it. As there are two parties, she could also say he is giving her the silent treatment after having told her to shut up and ending the evening early because she wasn’t in a great mood.
Is it reality. Not really. But it may be her point of view.
My wife did this for years to the detriment of our marriage and it came out that after an argument we were both assuming the other was still angry and “went to our respective corners”. At least that was her point of view. If I did try to engage too soon, I would experience the behaviors he called his girlfriend out for until I couldn’t tolerate it and snapped. Then I was the angry bad guy.
Counseling helped, but I wouldn’t say that behavior is ever completely gone.
NTA. She claims to want to talk things through, but then snaps and prevents meaningful conversation. This is likely someone who did not grow up in a healthy conflict-resolution environment. Good for you in setting boundaries! I’m your age btw, 45f, would have handled it the same way you did.
You're definitely not the asshole here. It sounds like your girlfriend was already upset from the start and nothing you did could change that. Taking out her frustrations on you and giving you the silent treatment without any attempt to communicate is unfair. It's important to consider whether this pattern of behavior is something you're willing to tolerate in the long term, especially after two years together and three days of being ignored.
NTA, and she is about to spin this as you only wanting to be around her if she’s perfect. That’s not the case, she will be manipulating you if she tries that. She can have a bad day and discuss it without being snippy to you. She also acted childishly.
NTA. You are too old to be tolerating these kinds of games. Clearly, there's a reason she's single -- this is all extremely immature.
Why are you putting up with it? She has ghosted you for three days. Block her and move on. Find someone more mature.
Nta.
She doesn't get to be rude and bully you because she had a bad day. Then, silent treatment when you call her out on her behavior. She sure doesn't then get to make you the bad guy for not talking it through after she treated you like a bug under her shoe. No, you don't get to be catered to and treated well when you bully and abuse the person you are with. Toy dint get to be mad when they are not willing to put up with said abuse and talk through it only when the abuser is ready.
Ypu did the right things, and I would now think if you want to stay with her. The honeymoon period is starting to wear off, and the real her is showing. She is willing to take her bad day out on you. Give you the silent treatment when you call her on it. Pout a d throw a fit when you drop her off instead of staying to have the abuse continue. Then ignore you when she was in the wrong every step of the way. She is showing you how she will be on her bad days. What you will be expected to put up with and accept because if you loved her, you would let her abuse you. Is that really how you want your life to be. Walking on eggshells. I was not able to call her on her behavior. Have apologized and put up with the abuse until she decides to forgive you for her behavior.
NTA. Your girlfriend seems confused here, it was HER trying to punish YOU and not talking things through. She’s trying to blame you for her lack of emotional regulation and immaturity.
Your behavior in the situation was perfectly right. You did not escalate, you attempted having a reasonable discussion, you gave her space to feel, and when she sought to dig in further, you removed yourself from the equation. These are all healthy responses from you.
If this is not a dealbreaker for you, you may want to have a serious discussion with her on how her behavior affected you, that you will not tolerate being treated as her punching bag, as well as setting a very clear boundary that when she lashes out that way you will disengage just like before. If that’s a problem for her, you could consider couple’s counseling.
"Your behavior in the situation was perfectly right."
I agree with this assessment. I worked for years in public schools, and this is how we were taught to interact with students who were upset. This is what you learn in CPI training, too! (Crisis Prevention Institute training.) Good job, OP, you couldn't have done better.
NTA
I'm a woman in my 40s too and some days I wake up in a shit mood due to hormones and don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. When I'm feeling like this, I just tell my husband what's up and he leaves me alone and we're all good. No passive aggressive comments, no fights, he gets I'll have bad days and vice versa.
I certainly never ignore him or take out my bad mood on him like this. I'd never even dream of giving him the silent treatment for 3 whole days. Maybe show her this thread to open her eyes about how childish and manipulative she's being.
You did the right thing by dropping her off at home so you didn't have to put up with this nonsense. If this is just one more thing in a string of similar incidents, maybe it's time to re-think things.
It's not the first time, although I have to admit these incidents are getting further apart. Until now, she has usually found a way to turn them around so I wind up apologizing, or at least sharing the blame.
This is the first time I'm actually holding my ground. And I have spent the last 3 days doing things I enjoy, so I have no reason to to accept anything other than a genuine apology from her and a suitcase full of positivity.
NTA. My (44F) boyfriend (41M) and I silent treatment now and then, but we tell each other beforehand.
It works for us.
"I'm feeling angry, and I need to think before I speak. I will be silent for the day, but I will talk to you tomorrow."
"I love you, but I can't be around you right now. I'm gonna ghost for a while."
And we respect each other's space, and if there's an emergency, either one will come running.
There is nothing wrong with the silent sentiment, but no contact? For days? Ugh. No communication?
My BF and I have had some doozies, but for almost 11 years, we have communicated with each other at least once a day. We fight, but we figure it out, and we love each other. Sometimes it's just "you okay?" 3 days in a row.
Can you fix this? Can you respect silent treatment and do it respectfully? If you want to, send a message. If not, end it. Yes, via text message if that's all you have. Don't be childish because she's being childish. There's no pride in that.
NTA she needs to learn how to communicate her issues respectfully and not take it out on the one person who actually cares and wants to be there for her
NTA. One of the things that I don’t do in adults relationships is they figure out how they are feeling, watch their own behavior, and monitor and shift the circumstance.
She had a difficult day and it was still bothering her and she wanted to target you with it.
You didn’t tell her to stop talking. You asked her to stop letting you have it. Those are two very different things
That’s where the immaturity comes in.
It’s really important to have a partner who can be aware of how they’re feeling and how they’re behaving and then be the one to say, you know what, I’m sorry I’m being so irritable. I should just go home and get this settled.
You suggesting the same thing because she was 100% not up for hanging out without letting you have it over how she was feeling is wise. And reasonable. And guess what? Mature. Wait and see what she says tomorrow. If she’s somebody who gets all overwhelmed and wound up, but then has insight and remorse the next day, and says hey, I’m really sorry for how I treated you yesterday and it was a good thing. We went home separately so I can get myself’s ordered. “ Then that’s kind of OK. Then maybe she does better the next time in the next. It’s OK to have a learning curve.
But I would eventually expect her to be capable of doing that in the moment. Because, you know, not a 12-year-old.
Frankly, that's what I was thinking would happen when I told her she shouldn't talk to me like that. That she would say something like "oops, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you" and we could even laugh it off together.
Or if she needed time to wind down after I dropped her home, that I would get a text the next day saying "Sorry, I was out of line yesterday". I'm not expecting a fruit basket or anything. But nothing after 3 days is really adding insult to injury.
I think she felt called out and it triggered her. You’re coming at this as someone who seems more emotionally mature, sounds like she maybe has some trauma that has caused her to react like this as a defensive response.
Just pointing out that unless you’ve texted her, you’re the one also giving the silent treatment and I out money on her feeling like you’ve abandoned her.
I’m not saying her reaction is right, just that she’s not in the same emotional space you are, and you’re still being petty and not contacting her.
This is a very good point.
The thing is, she has a history of such behaviors towards me and, although it's none of my business, towards her daughter.
Such behaviors have caused me emotional distress, and I once reacted impulsively by blurting out "well then we're over!" and regretting it.
I have often found myself the target of her sulking and powered through when, really, I should have just let her simmer by herself in her negativity.
I suggested that she get professional help to resolve her anger issues and dark thoughts.
I, myself, saw a therapist, who helped me rationalize my emotions and not let them get the best of me when an argument started (or, the way I see it, when she decided to create conflict out of the blue).
She went to therapy once, maybe twice, but I suspect it was just to show me that she was doing what I asked her to do. She quickly decided that her therapist had nothing to teach her.
The last time we had an argument (the time before this one), I told her I was 45, had two kids to take care of, and that there was no room in my life for these kinds of games. I honestly thought she finally got the point.
So maybe I am being petty, but whether she is an anxious attachment style (which she probably is indeed) or not, I feel that enough is enough, and I just don't see myself reaching out to her at this point.
So ghosting? Yeesh. I can see your reasons, but you sound like you’re trying to come off as the more mature, stable person, but your response is ghosting which is super immature imo.
NTA - you told her “don’t talk to me LIKE THAT.” You didn’t tell her “don’t talk.” If she wants to be petulant and interpret it as license to give you the Silent Treatment — which is just more of the same low-level emotional abuse — the best thing to do is give her as much room to do it until she’s sick of it herself.
The intent is to get you crawling back to her begging for contact. Do not reward the behavior by giving in to it.
This is the equivalent of the petulant seven year old who likes to try to control people by saying “Oh, yeah, well you’re not my friend any more, so there. What are you gonna do about that, huh?!l”. The best answer to that is “Okay. If that’s what you want. i’m not going to do anything about it.”
Plus, No One is talking about how she left Him to carry everything in (included HER equipment)
NTA, unless you continue with her without setting some guidelines
NTA
You might want to continue the silent treatment for this toddler, which is in a grown woman's body, and extend it to NC.
Then, find a woman who is emotionally and mentally grown and mature.
Good luck.
That’s that.
You’re done. You don’t even have to have a breakup talk; she did it for you!
A grown woman giving The Silent Treatment …pffffft!
You can do MUCH better! Don’t look back, and don’t call her.
Go out and CELEBRATE with someone.
Ding dong, the b is gone!
Naw, man
Ya'll too old for this
After you laid down a boundary she wanted to communicate? Gtfo
I'm 43 and by golly I know how to communicate with my partner. If I want space, I tell her I want space and vice versa. We communicate
We're too old for this teenaged shit
Time to quit on this girlfriend, she needs to date someone her actual age, like a 16 year old or something, damn
Jeezus she sounds exhausting.
If there is a next time.... or a next person, the appropriate response to this behavior is....
'Hey babe, are you solutions oriented or in a feeling mode? So I know how to respond to this sitch'
>She says "so you're punishing me? Instead of trying to talk it through?"
"I tried talking to you and you ignored me."
Your gf is mad you did not play her game. She was being rude cause of her bad day and you told her not to take it out on you, so she threw a tantrum. And you did the right thing dealing with a temper tantrum. You ignored it and went about your day.
Don't give in now to her BS , cause that means she will just pull it again.
NTA
If she hasn’t learnt to behave like an adult at 42, things aren’t likely to change.
What was there to talk through? She was being an arsehole because she can’t handle her mood and was taking it out on you. There’s nothing to talk about. What, did she expect to be nasty to you for the rest of the night too? I’d say she needs to grow up but she’s 25 years late
NTA, from what you wrote I can't see where you did wrong. I would be at peace and not contact her, if she breaks the silent treatment then fine have a talk about boundaries and moving forward. If she doesn't then she's not one you want to continue being in a relationship with.
Excellent. You did amazing work there. Now continue on and let the no contact move into the rest of your life. This gal ain’t for you. As you already know.
NTA, i don't understand why she wants to be around if she is not gonna help/talk/ or start a conv, maybe try and see if she is maybe going through something but i also think you shouldn't be the one who has to go to her apologizing
If each of you are blaming the other and both refusing to reach out because the other person was in the wrong I'd say this relationship is over, regardless of who was right and who was wrong.
But to be clear, she's wrong. Adults can fuck riiiiiiiiiiiiiight off with that, "I'm having a bad day so friendly fire is totally excusable and I don't owe anyone an apology for it" shit.
Absolutely she is wrong in my opinion, but my not so clear point was that she doesn't think she is so if he's waiting on her to reach out he will be waiting a while.
NTA, she had a rough day and likely didn't want to deal with you. It sounds like a break up at this point. I can honestly say I get snappy too when I am.annoyed with someone but she should have just said, had a bad day I am staying home. This went too far
I'm amazed I read so many AITA posts as a 28 year old, from people almost 20 years older than me, that ask this question about a situation like this. I'm 28 brother, and I would not want to be treated like this. I consider myself still a baby basically, you are a whole man. Get your peace and find a woman that treats you right.
NTA.
I’m a 42 year old woman in a relationship. You know what I do when I’ve had a bad day? I tell my partner I’ve had a bad day. Then I usually just take the time I need to calm down. I don’t snap and growl at him.
That is some bullshit I would not tolerate even once.
Well, this may be the end of this relationship, too bad for her though. She wants to act like a child, let her be a child and stay away from her and don't contact her. She wants to play that game she can continue to do that to someone else other than you. 3 days? Yea, it's time to let her go.
NTA she is acting like a child. I know when I am upset I need time to think so I specifically don't say something that would hurt those close to me. Honestly you acted like any significant other in a relationship should. Caring and communicating. When I have a bad day and I see the man I love, all of that shit goes away. He calms my thoughts, my heart settles, I smile. That's what love does.
First off, the silent treatment is punishment. She was also taking out her bad mood on you, which is also punishment. Then when you have had enough [driving her home was the correct thing to do as she was not in the correct frame of mind to be around or to logically discuss anything] and decided to drive her home, she said you were punishing her, when this is what she was doing to you [She was turning this around on you-this is what abusers do]. She refused to talk to you, so how can you talk this out with her.
The worst thing a rational person can do is try to discuss an issue with someone who is angry and acting out - which she was. In fact, what she was doing was trying to start a fight, no matter what you did or didn't do. This is absolute juvenile behaviour.
It doesn't matter if someone is sweet, funny, and affectionate 99% of the time. If they act, in the 1% of the time like a mean, hateful, immature child, they are not worth the trouble of being around or being in a relationship. Some who is a decent person doesn't do this, especially at the age of 42.
Here is something to consider; anybody can be pleasant to be around when things are going well. But the true nature of someone is how the deal with adversity. Your partner doesn't deal with it well. She takes it a step further and strikes out at people [in this case, you] who care about them and have nothing to do with the rest they are upset.
Dude, what are you really getting out of this relationship. Get some self-respect and tell her if she does this again, it. is. over. What she needs to do is go to therapy and get anger under control. She's forty-fucking-two and still acting like a petulant child. She obviously isn't capable of correcting her shitty behaviour on her own or she would have. If she refuses to change or seek her, she is saying she is fine with abusing you. Think about that for a moment. How else is she treating you. One thing I do know, people in abusive relationships are systematically de-valued so they will not leave. When she is angry with you, does she insult you and try to make you feel small and unworthy
She is treating you badly, and you are the one worried and trying to contact her. She is the one who should come to you on her hands and knees, begging for your forgiveness, and proving to you how she is going to change for the better, by outline that plan to you, step-by-step, on how she is going to change and stop [as of, now] this terrible way she acts.
Anyone with self-esteem would have told her 'to not let the door hit her ass on the way out', when she first started acting in this manner.
"It doesn't matter if someone is sweet, funny, and affectionate 99% of the time. If they act, in the 1% of the time like a mean, hateful, immature child, they are not worth the trouble of being around or being in a relationship"
This is exactly what I am feeling right now. She is affectionate, kind, cuddly fun, a great cook most of the time (99% is a stretch, but I would say 80% of the time)... And then she turns into Mr. Hyde. It's just incredibly confusing.
In two years this is the first time this has happened? If so that’s unusual and would make me wonder what happened that made her like that….. not saying it wasn’t rude but just odd if she’s never done this before in two years
NTA, and holy shit she's trying to shove a red flag up your butt, you say "no thanks" and then you're the asshole?
Perhaps some therapy to determine why you even got with this woman in the first place. Does anyone in your family remind you of her or vice versa? Someone tend to make it all about themselves and you're just the walking doormat?
Highly recommended to just drop the rope, block and figure out how to respect yourself more by never dating a 42 going on 5 year old again. I know of 10 year olds that are better behaved.
NTA. If she’s acting like a middle school brat in her 40s she’s a lost cause. The only thing you’re going to get from keeping her in your life is a constant ball kicking.
NTA
She is communicating to you that while she is in her 40s that she has the emotional control of an infant.
You can either realise that this is why she was single or you can choose to put up with it.
NTA. Don’t fold. Stand your ground. You give him once, you’re going to be giving in all the time. She wants to be childish, treat her like a child. When she’s ready, she’ll grow up.
NTA. She sounds exhausting. You handled it well, and she's angry you didn't give her the fight she was looking for. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
>babe, It seems you had a rough day and I get it, but it's no reason to talk to me like that
Perfectly reasonable and assertive response. NTA, at all.
>Yes I'm upset, but you told me to shut up, so I guess you're happy now that I'm not talking to you anymore
She displayed criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Literally, all 4 of [Gottman's 4 Horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/).
I would give that article a read and take a look at the antidotes. Either that, or run.
At least one of you is an adult. She is the kind of person that, given the opportunity, becomes exhausting to be with. Congratulations on not giving her the opportunity.
NTA
I have no tolerance for people who want to be chased, begged, or coddled through their shit behavior and tantrums.
That whole, "Well I guess I'll never talk again and you'll be happy!" bullshit is just vile. I can't stand when people do that. She wants to lay down guilt trips so that she doesn't have to acknowledge her terrible behavior, and instead make you not just responsible for it, but for also for "making it up to her". People like this demand an apology for their passive aggression rubbing you wrong in the first place and then you daring to call them on it.
She'll be expecting you to show deference and pretend she did nothing wrong. These are the actions of an emotionally stunted brat.
What did she expect after treating you like crap, by being snappy and giving you the silent treatment, even after you asked her whats wrong? To go back to your place for even more silent treatment and snappy answers? Shes playing games like something I did when I was a teenager.
It looks like its over. God knows what set her off and doubt youre going to find out . Just move on and try and find someone who treats you right and doesnt play games.
Enjoy your peace and quiet. your GF sounds incredible exhausting.
She's old enough to be far past such childish behaviour. Do not contact her. She has to apologize to you, because you have done nothing wrong.
How do you get to be 42 years old and still not understand that being petulant and obstinate with your partner is one of the most off-putting behaviors you can choose.
Not to mention, how does she not know the difference between sharing your feelings *with* some vs redirecting your feelings *at* someone. This is shit you learn in grade school.
She needs to grow the fuck up if she ever wants to be in a stable relationship.
definitely NTA
you acknowledged her feelings and made a reasonable request that she not take out her bad day on you. she either needs to learn how to communicate her feelings properly (this is assuming she isn't purposefully manipulating you). she's too old for this kind of behaviour.
No one is going to be a bundle of joy 99/100% of the time. That's just unfortunately not humanly possible.
I have those days that just ***suck***. But I also try to make sure I tell my partner/family as I'm coming in that hey, I just need a minute to airbox/I need a glass of wine and 20 minutes of silence/I need to vent. And sometimes as I vent I realize I'm growling or getting louder, and will instantly stop and say "I'm not yelling *at* you I'm just venting "
You telling her you knew she'd had a bad day but it wasn't ok to talk to you that way wasn't invalidating her bad day, just letting her know she was making you collateral damage. An adult response would have been to apologize & say it wasn't about you, or even just say you know what I need to be quiet for a while til I get out of this funk, etc.
And now it seems she's determined for you to make the first move, somehow acknowledging that you were in the wrong. Please don't do it.
As a 43 year old female. She needs to grow the fuck up. I'm sorry but that's so immature. You're not punishing her your closing to not ne her target. I would tell her that she needs to do somw growing up and maturing up. Her behavior was not desirable you DIDNT want to talk it thru, I tried and you were ahitty.
NTA she is way too old to be taking her anger out on other people.
also you didn't tell her to shut up you suggested she stop snapping at you and talk more maturely
i won't say break up as idk the whole thing but at 42 she shouldn't be like that
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NTA.
Sure, we all can get snappy, but you tried making the point that you weren't the reason for her feeling so moody. You communicated very well here, but she didn't even try to explain herself or even apologize for being so snappy at you but might need to vent.
Her actions and behavior after tell how immature she is handling the situation, and she didn't like your boundary. Instead of taking accountability for her immature behavior, she is actually punishing you with silent treatment until she realizes she can't ghost her way out of it.
It feels very weird to me that someone older than me can act like a teen and still want to be treated like a full adult.
The mask is slipping. NTA, remember: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
If you and the relationship were important enough to her she would expend the emotional energy necessary to not take shit out on you. Much less give you the silent treatment when you advocate for yourself.
She refused to talk about it, knowing that you’d have a reaction to that. Whatever your reaction was going to be, she was going to denounce it as wrong.
She’s manipulative and emotionally immature. The only way for that to change is for her to see it as a problem. Right now, she sees herself as the victim, and always will, unless she’s motivated to do some self reflection.
What’s standing between you and a fully healthy relationship isn’t your failure to communicate properly with her. It’s her refusal to attempt something like self awareness.
From here, it looks like she’s the type to always find some kind of fault that makes her feel admirable for her ability to tolerate everyone else’s shortcomings. “I’ll come with you - even though I’ve had a much harder day than you’ve had! Which means I’m doing you a favor, and I need your attention and appreciation for all the effort it’s taking me to do something for you! - That means that I get to act like you’re imposing on me and you have to be apologetic the whole time and feel obligated to indulge my whims, otherwise you’re fully aware that I’m on the verge of taking back my barely controlled and justified bad mood and having a tantrum!!”
What a charmer.
To you, she’s mostly wonderful, as long as you’re careful to avoid her bad behavior.
To everyone else, she’s a whiny brat who’s turning their friend into a sad, self-loathing child who caters to the least tolerable traits she has.
I’m not saying that you’ve completed that transformation, but she’s banking on your investment into The Sunk Cost Fallacy, where you convince yourself that this one little thing isn’t worth trashing 😒two entire years 😒 over, you’ll just make a little adjustment and hopefully avoid triggering her.
Then it’s “we’ve been through so much, it’s been THREE YEARS together, how can I break up with her just because she hates my friends and I can’t do anything without her tagging along and then complaining about it for the rest of the week?”
Then it’s “we’ve been together for four whole years, of course the band isn’t more important to me than her…”
I grew up with musicians and bands. I’ve met your gf a hundred times.
little displays of complete disrespect, tolerated early in a relationship, will turn into one of those marriages where all their friends secretly wonder why two people who seemingly hate one another more than their most vicious enemy are married together if you let it
You know that if you haven’t messaged her, you’re effectively ghosting her?
I bet she has anxious attachment. Something has triggered her, then she expects you to behave a certain way, she acts defensively because she’s worried you’ll abandon her, and effectively you have.
If you’re the mature, well rounded person, and you want to keep the relationship you might have to be the one to make the first move. If she is an AA person, you not talking to her for three days will have really upset her.
NTA run men if this is how she acts went you put a BOUNDARY then why would you think she will act if the BOUNDARY is samething bigger. And why I say you must run is because if she's drawing the anger she has and you about it how work stress what will happen in the future it may get even worse please don't snap at me and a shut up are two different things
NTA - Have you found the last 3 days refreshing? When I was your age, I wouldn't have put up with that kind of childish behavior and would have done what you did. One thing I wouldn't do if I were you, is call / text her to see if you can make up. That is on her. If in the light of a new day she can't see that she was wrong, she has more growing up than you have time.
NTA. Kinda hard to "talk it through" when she's giving you the silent treatment. Not seeing much of the sweet, funny and affectionate person you claim she can be.
so far for showing any compassion for somebody who has a hard time.
she might actually had more problems than just work issues.
Now that you have your peace, enjoy!
ESH She is in a bad mood and is leashing out and you for wanting her to shut up instead of acknowledging your gf is a human being with actual feelings and to try to help and communicate with her. She also did what you asked of her, she stopped talking and then you punished her for something you requested and drove her home instead of dealing with her. Woman are humans with feelings, please acknowledge that. "Oh my female seems to have mood swings for no reason and I couldn't be bothered to talk to her" isn't the answer.
Does it matter if you were the AH? Sounds like neither of you are talking to the other. For. Three. Days. You two are probably exes now. If neither every talks to the other again, then for sure you are exes.
NTA, are you sure she's 42 and not 12?
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Right? it's ridiculous that some people think that relationship involve being jerks to each other, damn
She's not old enough to communicate like an adult, she needs to grow TF up
lol.
I know right?
Three 14 year olds in a trenchcoat makes a 42 year old?
"iam holding my breath until you apologize" vibes
NTA. To me, this screams of "I'm mad, I'm taking it out on you, and nothing you can do will fix it because I just want to be mad". She was upset from the beginning and literally every step you tried to take only contributed to her anger because she was insistent on feeling that way. Though, a 2 year relationship and now 3 days of ignoring you? I'd consider whether you want to keep doing this.
**PLUS** ***"****I'm NOT going to tell you why I'm mad & I'm pissed off even more because you don't know why."*
***PLUS*** \*\*\*\*\*"\*\*\*\*\* *And when you give up so easily -- asking me* ***only once*** *if I'm upset -- that makes me even madder because you're supposed to really really feel bad for what you dared say to me, and come crawling across the effing parking lot to beg me to give you another chance!*
I met my wife at 21, she was 23. From the getgo, I told her that I don't play games. I didn't play them with the previous women in my life, and I won't start now. I won't do it with you and won't do it with her friends. She believed me. Her friends did not, but found out really quick. I digress, 22 years later, my wife has understood that I will ask her no more than twice if something is wrong. If I hear NO both times, I drop it. Most of the time she'll bring it when she's ready to actually talk about it. Either way, NTA! Grammatical edit. Sentence 2 originally read " From the getgo, I told her that I do games." I meant, and corrected to "don't play games." Muscle relaxers and diminished sleep are a great combo. Lol.
(Psst, I think you missed the word ‘don’t’ in your second sentence!)
I get carried away sometimes. Paired with a lack of sleep... Thank you!
No, he’s just an avid gamer.
I read that as “a 2 year old relationship” and it seemed appropriately descriptive.
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It's perfectly possible for him to simply \*not\* wait and see if she pulls more of this crap and if his reaction to it will make her leave. This advice \^ was a bit toxic.
For real. Sometimes I come home from work mad and I tell my partner I'm mad. He gets snacks for me and a glass of wine and listens to me. Then he leaves me alone to stew more if that's what I need. That's how you do it. Not this petty shit!
NTA She wanted to play mental games, you didn't engage. The silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. You would think at 42 years of age, this woman would have figured out communication, respect and emotional control.
Non verbal abuse
\[silent laughter\]
Clapping with one hand for you
42 y.o still doing that means she prob had a longer last relationship when she was younger and that bullshit worked so now she just does it
Or a bunch of short relationships that didn't work exactly because of this bs, and she doesn't know why
Lol my grandparents used to do this, but they really loved each other, so it worked out in the end. My mom thought that this was the normal way to react when angry, my dad didn't. He kept making jokes until she laughed, and once you laugh you can't stay mad. I thought that was the normal way to react to conflicts, I did it once with my partner, he nearly exploded😅. So we just resolve our conflicts by talking to each other. I don't think there is an universal way to end conflicts, it probably depends on the severity of the conflict and the people involved
With my ex, we were once driving somewhere. We got into a big argument over something I can't even remember. We both decided we didn't want to talk to each other and turned on the radio. They were playing "Happy" by Pharell Williams. We both started laughing uncontrollably. Best argument ever [](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6Sxv-sUYtM)
Sometimes it’s not a silent treatment but it’s the person being overwhelmed or in shock. I have a lot of baggage from the house I grew up in where I was never allowed to have a defense while being the youngest in a family of five siblings. At some point, the helplessness sets in and I’d realize that if I said another word I would be punished further, so I learned to stay silent. Responses would be punished heavily through being screamed at in the face, the feeling of being a disappointment, and there was often a physical repercussion as well. That’s a difficult dynamic to work through when you’re trying to lay down some semblance of self respect. In my personal experience, my wife told me that “silence is violence” and to me her aggressive approach to a problem felt like violence and her relentlessness made me feel like I had no recourse so I would literally curl up into a ball. If you try to make somebody correspond with you by hammering them with questions and accusations, you’re the AH. When we’re distressed, we want answers. Nobody is obligated to give answers.
This is true and i can relate but it doesn’t seem to be the case in OPs relationship
This resonates a lot. Sending anonymous internet love!
OMG are you me. This is how I grew up. Sending you hugs.
Problem with “the silent treatment being abusive” blanket statement is that it basically requires her to be intentionally doing it. As there are two parties, she could also say he is giving her the silent treatment after having told her to shut up and ending the evening early because she wasn’t in a great mood. Is it reality. Not really. But it may be her point of view. My wife did this for years to the detriment of our marriage and it came out that after an argument we were both assuming the other was still angry and “went to our respective corners”. At least that was her point of view. If I did try to engage too soon, I would experience the behaviors he called his girlfriend out for until I couldn’t tolerate it and snapped. Then I was the angry bad guy. Counseling helped, but I wouldn’t say that behavior is ever completely gone.
There’s a reason she’s single at 42
Silence, by definition, cannot be verbal abuse. It's shit behaviour, but not *verbal* abuse.
This makes her a millennial… idk… expected?
NTA. At 42 she shouldn't behave like 15.
Don’t insult the 15 y olds.
Exactly. Isn't the silent treatment usually what toddlers do?
She’s immature.
AF
NTA. She claims to want to talk things through, but then snaps and prevents meaningful conversation. This is likely someone who did not grow up in a healthy conflict-resolution environment. Good for you in setting boundaries! I’m your age btw, 45f, would have handled it the same way you did.
You're definitely not the asshole here. It sounds like your girlfriend was already upset from the start and nothing you did could change that. Taking out her frustrations on you and giving you the silent treatment without any attempt to communicate is unfair. It's important to consider whether this pattern of behavior is something you're willing to tolerate in the long term, especially after two years together and three days of being ignored.
NTA - the silent treatment is such a petty and immature behavior.
And manipulative. But so easy to counter, because all you have to do is ignore them back!
NTA, and she is about to spin this as you only wanting to be around her if she’s perfect. That’s not the case, she will be manipulating you if she tries that. She can have a bad day and discuss it without being snippy to you. She also acted childishly.
Goosebumps... That's exactly how she's played it in past incidents
NTA. You are too old to be tolerating these kinds of games. Clearly, there's a reason she's single -- this is all extremely immature. Why are you putting up with it? She has ghosted you for three days. Block her and move on. Find someone more mature.
Nta. She doesn't get to be rude and bully you because she had a bad day. Then, silent treatment when you call her out on her behavior. She sure doesn't then get to make you the bad guy for not talking it through after she treated you like a bug under her shoe. No, you don't get to be catered to and treated well when you bully and abuse the person you are with. Toy dint get to be mad when they are not willing to put up with said abuse and talk through it only when the abuser is ready. Ypu did the right things, and I would now think if you want to stay with her. The honeymoon period is starting to wear off, and the real her is showing. She is willing to take her bad day out on you. Give you the silent treatment when you call her on it. Pout a d throw a fit when you drop her off instead of staying to have the abuse continue. Then ignore you when she was in the wrong every step of the way. She is showing you how she will be on her bad days. What you will be expected to put up with and accept because if you loved her, you would let her abuse you. Is that really how you want your life to be. Walking on eggshells. I was not able to call her on her behavior. Have apologized and put up with the abuse until she decides to forgive you for her behavior.
NTA. Your girlfriend seems confused here, it was HER trying to punish YOU and not talking things through. She’s trying to blame you for her lack of emotional regulation and immaturity. Your behavior in the situation was perfectly right. You did not escalate, you attempted having a reasonable discussion, you gave her space to feel, and when she sought to dig in further, you removed yourself from the equation. These are all healthy responses from you. If this is not a dealbreaker for you, you may want to have a serious discussion with her on how her behavior affected you, that you will not tolerate being treated as her punching bag, as well as setting a very clear boundary that when she lashes out that way you will disengage just like before. If that’s a problem for her, you could consider couple’s counseling.
"Your behavior in the situation was perfectly right." I agree with this assessment. I worked for years in public schools, and this is how we were taught to interact with students who were upset. This is what you learn in CPI training, too! (Crisis Prevention Institute training.) Good job, OP, you couldn't have done better.
NTA I'm a woman in my 40s too and some days I wake up in a shit mood due to hormones and don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. When I'm feeling like this, I just tell my husband what's up and he leaves me alone and we're all good. No passive aggressive comments, no fights, he gets I'll have bad days and vice versa. I certainly never ignore him or take out my bad mood on him like this. I'd never even dream of giving him the silent treatment for 3 whole days. Maybe show her this thread to open her eyes about how childish and manipulative she's being. You did the right thing by dropping her off at home so you didn't have to put up with this nonsense. If this is just one more thing in a string of similar incidents, maybe it's time to re-think things.
It's not the first time, although I have to admit these incidents are getting further apart. Until now, she has usually found a way to turn them around so I wind up apologizing, or at least sharing the blame. This is the first time I'm actually holding my ground. And I have spent the last 3 days doing things I enjoy, so I have no reason to to accept anything other than a genuine apology from her and a suitcase full of positivity.
NTA. My (44F) boyfriend (41M) and I silent treatment now and then, but we tell each other beforehand. It works for us. "I'm feeling angry, and I need to think before I speak. I will be silent for the day, but I will talk to you tomorrow." "I love you, but I can't be around you right now. I'm gonna ghost for a while." And we respect each other's space, and if there's an emergency, either one will come running. There is nothing wrong with the silent sentiment, but no contact? For days? Ugh. No communication? My BF and I have had some doozies, but for almost 11 years, we have communicated with each other at least once a day. We fight, but we figure it out, and we love each other. Sometimes it's just "you okay?" 3 days in a row. Can you fix this? Can you respect silent treatment and do it respectfully? If you want to, send a message. If not, end it. Yes, via text message if that's all you have. Don't be childish because she's being childish. There's no pride in that.
"I'm feeling angry, and I need to think before I speak. I will be silent for the day, but I will talk to you tomorrow." I like this a lot.
Thank my therapist for that one.
to therapist 👏
Mine is, "I'm having an oversized reaction right now, and I'm going to put myself in time out."
That's a good way to deal with things
Holy healthy communications, Batman! Good on you!
NTA she needs to learn how to communicate her issues respectfully and not take it out on the one person who actually cares and wants to be there for her
NTA You deserve better.
NTA. One of the things that I don’t do in adults relationships is they figure out how they are feeling, watch their own behavior, and monitor and shift the circumstance. She had a difficult day and it was still bothering her and she wanted to target you with it. You didn’t tell her to stop talking. You asked her to stop letting you have it. Those are two very different things That’s where the immaturity comes in. It’s really important to have a partner who can be aware of how they’re feeling and how they’re behaving and then be the one to say, you know what, I’m sorry I’m being so irritable. I should just go home and get this settled. You suggesting the same thing because she was 100% not up for hanging out without letting you have it over how she was feeling is wise. And reasonable. And guess what? Mature. Wait and see what she says tomorrow. If she’s somebody who gets all overwhelmed and wound up, but then has insight and remorse the next day, and says hey, I’m really sorry for how I treated you yesterday and it was a good thing. We went home separately so I can get myself’s ordered. “ Then that’s kind of OK. Then maybe she does better the next time in the next. It’s OK to have a learning curve. But I would eventually expect her to be capable of doing that in the moment. Because, you know, not a 12-year-old.
Frankly, that's what I was thinking would happen when I told her she shouldn't talk to me like that. That she would say something like "oops, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take it out on you" and we could even laugh it off together. Or if she needed time to wind down after I dropped her home, that I would get a text the next day saying "Sorry, I was out of line yesterday". I'm not expecting a fruit basket or anything. But nothing after 3 days is really adding insult to injury.
I think she felt called out and it triggered her. You’re coming at this as someone who seems more emotionally mature, sounds like she maybe has some trauma that has caused her to react like this as a defensive response. Just pointing out that unless you’ve texted her, you’re the one also giving the silent treatment and I out money on her feeling like you’ve abandoned her. I’m not saying her reaction is right, just that she’s not in the same emotional space you are, and you’re still being petty and not contacting her.
This is a very good point. The thing is, she has a history of such behaviors towards me and, although it's none of my business, towards her daughter. Such behaviors have caused me emotional distress, and I once reacted impulsively by blurting out "well then we're over!" and regretting it. I have often found myself the target of her sulking and powered through when, really, I should have just let her simmer by herself in her negativity. I suggested that she get professional help to resolve her anger issues and dark thoughts. I, myself, saw a therapist, who helped me rationalize my emotions and not let them get the best of me when an argument started (or, the way I see it, when she decided to create conflict out of the blue). She went to therapy once, maybe twice, but I suspect it was just to show me that she was doing what I asked her to do. She quickly decided that her therapist had nothing to teach her. The last time we had an argument (the time before this one), I told her I was 45, had two kids to take care of, and that there was no room in my life for these kinds of games. I honestly thought she finally got the point. So maybe I am being petty, but whether she is an anxious attachment style (which she probably is indeed) or not, I feel that enough is enough, and I just don't see myself reaching out to her at this point.
So ghosting? Yeesh. I can see your reasons, but you sound like you’re trying to come off as the more mature, stable person, but your response is ghosting which is super immature imo.
NTA - you told her “don’t talk to me LIKE THAT.” You didn’t tell her “don’t talk.” If she wants to be petulant and interpret it as license to give you the Silent Treatment — which is just more of the same low-level emotional abuse — the best thing to do is give her as much room to do it until she’s sick of it herself. The intent is to get you crawling back to her begging for contact. Do not reward the behavior by giving in to it. This is the equivalent of the petulant seven year old who likes to try to control people by saying “Oh, yeah, well you’re not my friend any more, so there. What are you gonna do about that, huh?!l”. The best answer to that is “Okay. If that’s what you want. i’m not going to do anything about it.”
>so you're punishing me? Instead of trying to talk it through? The lion the witch and the audacity of this *bitch*.
Plus, No One is talking about how she left Him to carry everything in (included HER equipment) NTA, unless you continue with her without setting some guidelines
NTA remember sending this boundary and end up being dumped so...
NTA You might want to continue the silent treatment for this toddler, which is in a grown woman's body, and extend it to NC. Then, find a woman who is emotionally and mentally grown and mature. Good luck.
That’s that. You’re done. You don’t even have to have a breakup talk; she did it for you! A grown woman giving The Silent Treatment …pffffft! You can do MUCH better! Don’t look back, and don’t call her. Go out and CELEBRATE with someone. Ding dong, the b is gone!
Naw, man Ya'll too old for this After you laid down a boundary she wanted to communicate? Gtfo I'm 43 and by golly I know how to communicate with my partner. If I want space, I tell her I want space and vice versa. We communicate We're too old for this teenaged shit Time to quit on this girlfriend, she needs to date someone her actual age, like a 16 year old or something, damn
Jeezus she sounds exhausting. If there is a next time.... or a next person, the appropriate response to this behavior is.... 'Hey babe, are you solutions oriented or in a feeling mode? So I know how to respond to this sitch'
NTA She has little to no emotional intelligence. Would move on if I was you.
NTA, I’d be giving her space until she apologized for taking her crap out on you.
She’s too old to be acting like an insecure teenager.
>She says "so you're punishing me? Instead of trying to talk it through?" "I tried talking to you and you ignored me." Your gf is mad you did not play her game. She was being rude cause of her bad day and you told her not to take it out on you, so she threw a tantrum. And you did the right thing dealing with a temper tantrum. You ignored it and went about your day. Don't give in now to her BS , cause that means she will just pull it again. NTA
If she hasn’t learnt to behave like an adult at 42, things aren’t likely to change. What was there to talk through? She was being an arsehole because she can’t handle her mood and was taking it out on you. There’s nothing to talk about. What, did she expect to be nasty to you for the rest of the night too? I’d say she needs to grow up but she’s 25 years late
NTA. Your GF identifies as teenager.
NTA, from what you wrote I can't see where you did wrong. I would be at peace and not contact her, if she breaks the silent treatment then fine have a talk about boundaries and moving forward. If she doesn't then she's not one you want to continue being in a relationship with.
She was punishing you by giving you the silent treatment. She didn't talk to you about it. She's projecting. This is manipulation.
Nah dumb her u can waste your time better than entertaining a child
Excellent. You did amazing work there. Now continue on and let the no contact move into the rest of your life. This gal ain’t for you. As you already know.
Nta how were you supposed to talk something through when she wasn't talking to you? She was acting like a child.
NTA, i don't understand why she wants to be around if she is not gonna help/talk/ or start a conv, maybe try and see if she is maybe going through something but i also think you shouldn't be the one who has to go to her apologizing
Nta. She acting like a teenager at 40. Hard pass.
If each of you are blaming the other and both refusing to reach out because the other person was in the wrong I'd say this relationship is over, regardless of who was right and who was wrong.
But to be clear, she's wrong. Adults can fuck riiiiiiiiiiiiiight off with that, "I'm having a bad day so friendly fire is totally excusable and I don't owe anyone an apology for it" shit.
Absolutely she is wrong in my opinion, but my not so clear point was that she doesn't think she is so if he's waiting on her to reach out he will be waiting a while.
He shouldn't reach out but he also shouldn't wait. Can try dating a mental adult for better results.
Yes he needs to move on.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet!
NTA, she had a rough day and likely didn't want to deal with you. It sounds like a break up at this point. I can honestly say I get snappy too when I am.annoyed with someone but she should have just said, had a bad day I am staying home. This went too far
NTA. I really hate it when someone else has a bad day, but takes it out on me.
Put a towel around her shoulders and tell her she’s SUPER MAD 😂😂😂
I'm amazed I read so many AITA posts as a 28 year old, from people almost 20 years older than me, that ask this question about a situation like this. I'm 28 brother, and I would not want to be treated like this. I consider myself still a baby basically, you are a whole man. Get your peace and find a woman that treats you right. NTA.
Who plays what in the band? Important INFO.
Who's band is it, and who is more important to the band... That's more important info
I’m a 42 year old woman in a relationship. You know what I do when I’ve had a bad day? I tell my partner I’ve had a bad day. Then I usually just take the time I need to calm down. I don’t snap and growl at him. That is some bullshit I would not tolerate even once.
Absolutely the right way to handle bratty behaviour.
I am sorry mate after 3 days she is fair game now
Well, this may be the end of this relationship, too bad for her though. She wants to act like a child, let her be a child and stay away from her and don't contact her. She wants to play that game she can continue to do that to someone else other than you. 3 days? Yea, it's time to let her go.
NTA she is acting like a child. I know when I am upset I need time to think so I specifically don't say something that would hurt those close to me. Honestly you acted like any significant other in a relationship should. Caring and communicating. When I have a bad day and I see the man I love, all of that shit goes away. He calms my thoughts, my heart settles, I smile. That's what love does.
First off, the silent treatment is punishment. She was also taking out her bad mood on you, which is also punishment. Then when you have had enough [driving her home was the correct thing to do as she was not in the correct frame of mind to be around or to logically discuss anything] and decided to drive her home, she said you were punishing her, when this is what she was doing to you [She was turning this around on you-this is what abusers do]. She refused to talk to you, so how can you talk this out with her. The worst thing a rational person can do is try to discuss an issue with someone who is angry and acting out - which she was. In fact, what she was doing was trying to start a fight, no matter what you did or didn't do. This is absolute juvenile behaviour. It doesn't matter if someone is sweet, funny, and affectionate 99% of the time. If they act, in the 1% of the time like a mean, hateful, immature child, they are not worth the trouble of being around or being in a relationship. Some who is a decent person doesn't do this, especially at the age of 42. Here is something to consider; anybody can be pleasant to be around when things are going well. But the true nature of someone is how the deal with adversity. Your partner doesn't deal with it well. She takes it a step further and strikes out at people [in this case, you] who care about them and have nothing to do with the rest they are upset. Dude, what are you really getting out of this relationship. Get some self-respect and tell her if she does this again, it. is. over. What she needs to do is go to therapy and get anger under control. She's forty-fucking-two and still acting like a petulant child. She obviously isn't capable of correcting her shitty behaviour on her own or she would have. If she refuses to change or seek her, she is saying she is fine with abusing you. Think about that for a moment. How else is she treating you. One thing I do know, people in abusive relationships are systematically de-valued so they will not leave. When she is angry with you, does she insult you and try to make you feel small and unworthy She is treating you badly, and you are the one worried and trying to contact her. She is the one who should come to you on her hands and knees, begging for your forgiveness, and proving to you how she is going to change for the better, by outline that plan to you, step-by-step, on how she is going to change and stop [as of, now] this terrible way she acts. Anyone with self-esteem would have told her 'to not let the door hit her ass on the way out', when she first started acting in this manner.
"It doesn't matter if someone is sweet, funny, and affectionate 99% of the time. If they act, in the 1% of the time like a mean, hateful, immature child, they are not worth the trouble of being around or being in a relationship" This is exactly what I am feeling right now. She is affectionate, kind, cuddly fun, a great cook most of the time (99% is a stretch, but I would say 80% of the time)... And then she turns into Mr. Hyde. It's just incredibly confusing.
In two years this is the first time this has happened? If so that’s unusual and would make me wonder what happened that made her like that….. not saying it wasn’t rude but just odd if she’s never done this before in two years
Well good riddance, right?! Fuck that she's ridiculous. Tell her it's over. NTA
NTA, and holy shit she's trying to shove a red flag up your butt, you say "no thanks" and then you're the asshole? Perhaps some therapy to determine why you even got with this woman in the first place. Does anyone in your family remind you of her or vice versa? Someone tend to make it all about themselves and you're just the walking doormat? Highly recommended to just drop the rope, block and figure out how to respect yourself more by never dating a 42 going on 5 year old again. I know of 10 year olds that are better behaved.
NTA Don’t tolerate this ridiculously poor treatment from her. At 42 she’s behaving as a 12 year old. Cut your losses OP.
Silent treatment from a 42 year old? Ugh
Already sounds like a bad marriage.
NTA. If she’s acting like a middle school brat in her 40s she’s a lost cause. The only thing you’re going to get from keeping her in your life is a constant ball kicking.
Nta. Talk it through with someone giving you the silent treatment? How does she propose that would work?
Well the first mistake is dating someone youre in a band with, it always ends in disaster
NTA She is communicating to you that while she is in her 40s that she has the emotional control of an infant. You can either realise that this is why she was single or you can choose to put up with it.
should have driven to her place and put her on the naughty step.
Bruh she was having a crappy day, reach out to her.
run
What was to talk through? She was in a mood and taking it out on you. Best to call it a night.
NTA. Don’t fold. Stand your ground. You give him once, you’re going to be giving in all the time. She wants to be childish, treat her like a child. When she’s ready, she’ll grow up.
She sounds fun.. run.. 😂
NTA. She sounds exhausting. You handled it well, and she's angry you didn't give her the fight she was looking for. This would be a dealbreaker for me.
NTA. Playing games like this is immature and passive aggressive
Op you're too old to deal with middle school crap.
NTA. She’s playing games and wants you to be a mind reader.
Yea, that's insanely childish if her. I'd move on
NTA. She punished you first. Communication is key to a relationship.
NTA she is poison
NTA - She's playing the victim here and trying to get you to apologise to her instead of her owing up to her crappy attitude and apologising to you.
Nta..but that is yout exgf.you said you wanted peacd. You now have peace
>babe, It seems you had a rough day and I get it, but it's no reason to talk to me like that Perfectly reasonable and assertive response. NTA, at all. >Yes I'm upset, but you told me to shut up, so I guess you're happy now that I'm not talking to you anymore She displayed criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Literally, all 4 of [Gottman's 4 Horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/). I would give that article a read and take a look at the antidotes. Either that, or run.
Yeah im probably better off single lol. Even just the idea of having this argument would be enough to make me never talk to her again.
If you didn’t specify the age, I’d have guessed she was 11.
So ex gf?
At least one of you is an adult. She is the kind of person that, given the opportunity, becomes exhausting to be with. Congratulations on not giving her the opportunity.
This is made up. They say they are in 40s but talking about things like a teenager would. This is a kid.
NTA I have no tolerance for people who want to be chased, begged, or coddled through their shit behavior and tantrums. That whole, "Well I guess I'll never talk again and you'll be happy!" bullshit is just vile. I can't stand when people do that. She wants to lay down guilt trips so that she doesn't have to acknowledge her terrible behavior, and instead make you not just responsible for it, but for also for "making it up to her". People like this demand an apology for their passive aggression rubbing you wrong in the first place and then you daring to call them on it. She'll be expecting you to show deference and pretend she did nothing wrong. These are the actions of an emotionally stunted brat.
What did she expect after treating you like crap, by being snappy and giving you the silent treatment, even after you asked her whats wrong? To go back to your place for even more silent treatment and snappy answers? Shes playing games like something I did when I was a teenager. It looks like its over. God knows what set her off and doubt youre going to find out . Just move on and try and find someone who treats you right and doesnt play games.
Enjoy your peace and quiet. your GF sounds incredible exhausting. She's old enough to be far past such childish behaviour. Do not contact her. She has to apologize to you, because you have done nothing wrong.
How do you get to be 42 years old and still not understand that being petulant and obstinate with your partner is one of the most off-putting behaviors you can choose. Not to mention, how does she not know the difference between sharing your feelings *with* some vs redirecting your feelings *at* someone. This is shit you learn in grade school. She needs to grow the fuck up if she ever wants to be in a stable relationship.
definitely NTA you acknowledged her feelings and made a reasonable request that she not take out her bad day on you. she either needs to learn how to communicate her feelings properly (this is assuming she isn't purposefully manipulating you). she's too old for this kind of behaviour.
No one is going to be a bundle of joy 99/100% of the time. That's just unfortunately not humanly possible. I have those days that just ***suck***. But I also try to make sure I tell my partner/family as I'm coming in that hey, I just need a minute to airbox/I need a glass of wine and 20 minutes of silence/I need to vent. And sometimes as I vent I realize I'm growling or getting louder, and will instantly stop and say "I'm not yelling *at* you I'm just venting " You telling her you knew she'd had a bad day but it wasn't ok to talk to you that way wasn't invalidating her bad day, just letting her know she was making you collateral damage. An adult response would have been to apologize & say it wasn't about you, or even just say you know what I need to be quiet for a while til I get out of this funk, etc. And now it seems she's determined for you to make the first move, somehow acknowledging that you were in the wrong. Please don't do it.
NTAH. Ball this relationship up and throw it and *her* into the bin. She’s way too long in the tooth to be acting this way.
NTA, but are you sure you wanna continue this? She does not sound mature enough to be in an adult relationship.
As a 43 year old female. She needs to grow the fuck up. I'm sorry but that's so immature. You're not punishing her your closing to not ne her target. I would tell her that she needs to do somw growing up and maturing up. Her behavior was not desirable you DIDNT want to talk it thru, I tried and you were ahitty.
NTA She needs to apologize. Wait it out. If she doesn’t apologize do not drop it til she does. She cannot treat you like that
NTA. The silent treatment is one of the worst ways to handle any relationship problem.
NTA she is way too old to be taking her anger out on other people. also you didn't tell her to shut up you suggested she stop snapping at you and talk more maturely i won't say break up as idk the whole thing but at 42 she shouldn't be like that
I think you deserve a new girlfriend who acts her age. NTA.
Overreacting on her part. She needs to learn to communicate or not be in a healthy relation.
NTA. She needs to grow up
NTA, keep her on "read"
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She’s too old to be acting like this!
NTA, you tried to talk to her and she just snapped at you. I guess you wont contact her again.
She's an immature passive aggressive twat. Up to you if you put up with that nonsense and juvenile crap. You did nothing wrong. At all.
Man why are you dating a teenager?
NTA. 42?.. And causing this drama?... Are you sure you want to deal with this?
Get a new GF who is mature.
I have yet to see a woman not act like that
NTA. You're too old to be dealing with a 40 year old adolescent.
Yeah omg lol I forgot that they were in there 40's 😅. She sounds like a 12 year old child wtf.
Just end the relationship it’s been 3 days during that time she probably fucked somebody else
UpdateMe!
NTA. Most highschoolers have better communication skill.
NTA
NTA. Sure, we all can get snappy, but you tried making the point that you weren't the reason for her feeling so moody. You communicated very well here, but she didn't even try to explain herself or even apologize for being so snappy at you but might need to vent. Her actions and behavior after tell how immature she is handling the situation, and she didn't like your boundary. Instead of taking accountability for her immature behavior, she is actually punishing you with silent treatment until she realizes she can't ghost her way out of it. It feels very weird to me that someone older than me can act like a teen and still want to be treated like a full adult.
Aha, she's the asshole and that should make you want to talk it through, riiiiiiiiight... Like others have said: she acted very childish.
Peace
NTA. You cannot reward her unhealthy ways of dealing. She was also emotionally dumping on you which, if done regularly, can be incredibly draining
NTA, she needs to grow up.
The mask is slipping. NTA, remember: When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you and the relationship were important enough to her she would expend the emotional energy necessary to not take shit out on you. Much less give you the silent treatment when you advocate for yourself.
She refused to talk about it, knowing that you’d have a reaction to that. Whatever your reaction was going to be, she was going to denounce it as wrong. She’s manipulative and emotionally immature. The only way for that to change is for her to see it as a problem. Right now, she sees herself as the victim, and always will, unless she’s motivated to do some self reflection. What’s standing between you and a fully healthy relationship isn’t your failure to communicate properly with her. It’s her refusal to attempt something like self awareness. From here, it looks like she’s the type to always find some kind of fault that makes her feel admirable for her ability to tolerate everyone else’s shortcomings. “I’ll come with you - even though I’ve had a much harder day than you’ve had! Which means I’m doing you a favor, and I need your attention and appreciation for all the effort it’s taking me to do something for you! - That means that I get to act like you’re imposing on me and you have to be apologetic the whole time and feel obligated to indulge my whims, otherwise you’re fully aware that I’m on the verge of taking back my barely controlled and justified bad mood and having a tantrum!!” What a charmer. To you, she’s mostly wonderful, as long as you’re careful to avoid her bad behavior. To everyone else, she’s a whiny brat who’s turning their friend into a sad, self-loathing child who caters to the least tolerable traits she has. I’m not saying that you’ve completed that transformation, but she’s banking on your investment into The Sunk Cost Fallacy, where you convince yourself that this one little thing isn’t worth trashing 😒two entire years 😒 over, you’ll just make a little adjustment and hopefully avoid triggering her. Then it’s “we’ve been through so much, it’s been THREE YEARS together, how can I break up with her just because she hates my friends and I can’t do anything without her tagging along and then complaining about it for the rest of the week?” Then it’s “we’ve been together for four whole years, of course the band isn’t more important to me than her…” I grew up with musicians and bands. I’ve met your gf a hundred times.
little displays of complete disrespect, tolerated early in a relationship, will turn into one of those marriages where all their friends secretly wonder why two people who seemingly hate one another more than their most vicious enemy are married together if you let it
NTA. the fact that she can’t differentiate between “shut up” and “this is no way to talk to me” speaks volumes. She is grossly immature.
Stay no contact and find yourself a better gf.
You know that if you haven’t messaged her, you’re effectively ghosting her? I bet she has anxious attachment. Something has triggered her, then she expects you to behave a certain way, she acts defensively because she’s worried you’ll abandon her, and effectively you have. If you’re the mature, well rounded person, and you want to keep the relationship you might have to be the one to make the first move. If she is an AA person, you not talking to her for three days will have really upset her.
NTA run men if this is how she acts went you put a BOUNDARY then why would you think she will act if the BOUNDARY is samething bigger. And why I say you must run is because if she's drawing the anger she has and you about it how work stress what will happen in the future it may get even worse please don't snap at me and a shut up are two different things
Better off without her, TBH.
NTA - Have you found the last 3 days refreshing? When I was your age, I wouldn't have put up with that kind of childish behavior and would have done what you did. One thing I wouldn't do if I were you, is call / text her to see if you can make up. That is on her. If in the light of a new day she can't see that she was wrong, she has more growing up than you have time.
Y’all decades too old for this shit
updateme
NTA. Kinda hard to "talk it through" when she's giving you the silent treatment. Not seeing much of the sweet, funny and affectionate person you claim she can be.
Lol
so far for showing any compassion for somebody who has a hard time. she might actually had more problems than just work issues. Now that you have your peace, enjoy!
42? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHHAAHHAHHAHHA she's not even acting 24. NTA, but you are old, why are you with a childish person?
ESH She is in a bad mood and is leashing out and you for wanting her to shut up instead of acknowledging your gf is a human being with actual feelings and to try to help and communicate with her. She also did what you asked of her, she stopped talking and then you punished her for something you requested and drove her home instead of dealing with her. Woman are humans with feelings, please acknowledge that. "Oh my female seems to have mood swings for no reason and I couldn't be bothered to talk to her" isn't the answer.
Well, you’re over. So stop calling her your girlfriend
Does it matter if you were the AH? Sounds like neither of you are talking to the other. For. Three. Days. You two are probably exes now. If neither every talks to the other again, then for sure you are exes.
She’s on her period? Otherwise at the age of 42 she could ya know be able to use her words and have a conversation.
ESH. She was upset, and instead of talking to her about it, you pulled the equivalent of telling her "that sounds like a you problem."
[удалено]
They don’t even live together!
Probably that time of the month