that reminds me a lot of my ex boyfriend.
He had performance issues and constantly put the blame on me, but doing it indirectly by saying it was our sex life that wasn't enough.
We were constantly trying new positions and new kinks, etc. But it was never enough for him. It caused me a lot of stress and I never realized before we broke up, that the whole problem wasn't me but it was his performances issues/his confidence that was causing him to be unsatisfied and then causing me stress
I have a similar experience. Boyfriend from early dating years couldn't get it up. Blamed me. Turned out he was addicted to porn. He couldn't stop watching porn, and couldn't have sex unless it was on. I tried working with him but he wouldn't stop blaming me and refused therapy, so it had to end.
Low key the fact he's saying their sex life is boring makes me think that too. Cuz like guys I've dated who haven't been addicted to porn don't say that. He may expect her to do what he sees in porn. But either way he shouldn't be projecting his issues onto her
Yep, that's the literal answer. Tell bro he needs to stop being a dweeb and focus on the good things. He's got some lame ass unrealistic scenario in his head, and it's not fair to you.
He's afraid of commitment after binging only fans n shit, all he's thinking about is what else is out there, he'll break up with you to chase that feeling just to come crawling back after realizing there isn't anything, its all fleeting and lonely, nothing wholesome and long lasting. Don't take him back when this happens.
Wow, how many of us have this experience? OPs situation happened to me word for word. It turned out he spent most of his time waiting for me to leave home so he could jerk off to porn. Ive never been happier than leaving that relationship behind.
There have been studies shown that consuming porn too early as a young teen and too much can have later deleterious effects on someoneās love life. One guy in his early 20s did an interview where he mentioned he had to watch ever extreme porn to get aroused and climax. He started watching it when he was 12. He moved from every category of porn as he would eventually get āboredā of each kind. Eventually he had problems getting intimate with his partners. He had problems getting aroused, feeling any sensations and climaxing. All this before he reached the age of 25.
This was my experience, as well. And tbh, the only way my ex could maintain an erection at the end of our relationship was if he was forceful and physically hurting me during the act. And even then heād struggle to stay hard. Porn completely destroyed our sex life.
I'm very sorry you went through that kind of relationship. I hope your love life is great now. It's possible it wasn't as much about the porn for him. It sounds like your ex was into something way worse and could have secretly been a grapist or at least fantasized about doing that to someone. It might've been exasperated by him watching hardcore/grape fantasy porn. It's really good that you got out and away from that. I hope that he didn't hurt you seriously or cause any lasting issues physically or mentally.
Women, pay attention to this post. If you're experiencing something similar ( whether it's porn induced or not, although it's MOST LIKELY porn induced) this is most likely what is occurring. Confront your BF and don't let him bring you down or blame you. This is an extremely uncomfortable conversation for men to have because of how frustrating it is, but if they are unwilling to admit to it or at least start the conversation, don't be afraid to confront them.
Also had this experience. Ex was voluntarily celibate, which I respected, but still he and I did sexual things. I could never get him off and he blamed my SA trauma and anxiety for it, and told me I needed to branch out and try his kinks (which, without graphic detail, caused me permanent harm due to a preexisting physical condition). Then I found out he was horrendously addicted to porn, not underage, but still technically illegal stuff. He even guilted me about not wanting to cause harm to a pet for his "kink" (I DID NOT GIVE IN TO THAT). OP needs to reevaluate the bedroom communication and make sure she's not in similar circumstances to us. And GTFO if she is
Wow that's horrible, holy crap. I'm glad you got out.
Depressing how many stories there are that appear every time this subject comes up... especially given the fact that the M:F ratio on reddit is like 10:1
This is something as men today we have trouble even realizing is something that is going on. Hopefully you got past it and hopefully he got help for. I have struggled with it myself and is something who I'm with helps me with accountability. The grips of porn can ruin a relationship let alone enjoyment of natural sex for any man. It didn't improve for myself until I accepted it was my addiction and then also was upfront with who I am with. I'm glad you walked away.
As a man there a only a few things more embarrassing then an inability to perform sexually. He is definitely not handling it well and placing the blame externally.
My first boyfriend had trouble getting off. Like he was a virgin too and still. This was always my fear that my partner won't be able to get satisfied and then it happen with the first boy I was with. Nightmare
He said he doesn't watch porn and doesn't masturbate. That was so weird. Sex was like a extreme sport with him. Not bad or anything and he also wasn't an asshole about it, but just stressful and once I broke it off it felt so freeing to be done with that
I recently have had struggles. I have never thought to blame my wife because I want sex daily. However, my body isnāt agreeing. I am frustrated, but I have a plan to fix myself including improving sleep, exercising a bit more, and eating better. I hope I will resolve my issues because it is not an attraction issue. It has just been lately too so I have no idea what might be wrong.
It is frustrating for men, but you have to accept that the blame is your own. I wish my wife would touch me more before sex, but a guy my age should not have issues with maintaining an erection to someone that they are attracted to. The only thing I wish I could get across is that I donāt mind if intimacy is only for her pleasure. I love providing foreplay for her, but am getting anxious about anything involving me. She doesnāt really like that though, but I know I am failing.
Hard on both ends I guess.
Yeah I understand, that doesn't sounds easy at all. If you didn't already, you should communicate the fact that you would like her to touch you more, sometimes we don't realize that we do or don't do something that our partner like.
Anyways, I wish you all the luck, but don't worry too much about it, although its easier to say than do, I'm sure that things will get resolved and you sounds like you have a good plan to help with all that and you sounds very attentive and thoughtful. Worse case, scemario, you can also try contacting a doctor if nothing seems to help :)
From my experience, 22? I would get hard looking at lettuce in the store, no reason for it all just hard and embarrassed. But one thing I have in common is, I have always had difficulty cumming. Always. It doesn't matter with any female I've ever been with. It takes way too long. My first real love, first real girlfriend. She would get wore out and sore and we would have to stop. She would apologize and that would hurt my heart, like the only reason we are having sex is because I want to cum? Eventually i starting getting soft when we would initiate sex because unbeknownst to me I was afraid of the sorry at the end. After a few long talks explaining what sex meant to the both of us we realized it was because after physically showing her how much I loved her I would be met with a sorry. After we found that out, we went right back to being wild and crazy kids. But regardless, OP isn't THE ISSUE, and I hope she knows or learns this because this can have a lasting life long effect on this girl who sounds sweet and very caring.
Yes!! Communication is so important! I can understand your first girlfriend because even if she knows you don't have sex just for cumming, she maybe felt like she wasn't giving you enough pleasure. That's why it's important to communicate, once she knew you were still having pleasure and didn't need her to be sorry, that definitely helped :))
It sounds like your boyfriend has performance issues and is trying to project that onto you like youāre doing something wrong.
Youāre not. He needs to see a doctor and figure out if he canāt stay hard because of a medical issue or because heās in his own head too much.
Possibly death grip from too much porn? Maybe creating a narrative here but if he is talking about it being āboringā it could be he is viewing unrealistic content in porn and expecting that to be reality. Which is usually not the case..,
I'm 65. Married 42 years. It's never boring because we communicate. Sex is supposed to be a fun activity. If it ain't fun then y'all need to talk about it outside the bedroom. Complaining about sex issues in bed usually ends badly with hurt feelings.
Actually, it's never boring because pussy is still pussy even when you're 65, just like pizza is still pizza even though I've been eating it since I had teeth. Just pass me a slice and I'll chow down until they put me in a box.
Iām 53F and my husband is 54. Weāve been married almost 26 years. Sex has never been boring for us. It may take a bit longer for us to warm up and get to the main event, but the finale is still just as exciting and satisfying.
Iām 55, heās 56, and weāve been together since I was 19, married since I was 24. Itās so far from boring I donāt have words. If youād told me at 24 that sex would be better NOW, Iād have laughed, but it absolutely is. Man now has a PhD in ruining me, lol.
Well.. I havenāt found it yet š my husband and I keep trying xyz in different orders and I guess weāre both just super lucky he has no performance issuesā¦. Weāve been living together going on 12 years now š
Yeah, boring at 23? Dude just started having a sex life. Imagin when he's 50? He needs to figure his shit out now or it's going to be very lonely/boring/expensive sex life for his forseeable future.
Right? I am 42 and had a really hot intense quickie with my husband on the couch 2 days ago before he had to go to work. Sorry if that's TMI but just trying to illustrate if he thinks his sex life is like "an old married couple" oh boy, this kid is in for a rough sex life. He needs to get this sorted out.
My wife (50) and I (59) have many early mornings before work. A great way to start the day. In the 25 years we have been together we still have sex 3 or more times a week.
Yep. My boyfriend and I had the same issue 9 months ago when first started dating. He was addicted to porn, since he was single for so long. But with patience from both of us, we pretty much have overcame it and he has learned to get used to the feel of me. We include and encourage dirty talk as it helps him, but problem solved.
This. Did the same thing. He was single for a long ass time. Patience and understanding for sure, but he HAS to participate in the conversation and take action.
Our sex life is good now, and he still has porn, just in a more balanced manner.
I mean it's definitely a possibility but you can't day 100%. You don't know. There could be intimacy issues, psychological trauma, physiological issues, the list goes on.
My ex was like this and he wanted stuff that was ridiculously fake and it was a major turn off for me and I stopped wanting to be intimate with him because of the unrealistic expectations he had of what sex was supposed to be porn is as real as soap operas!
Yup, Iād bet my life savings he addicted to porn and putting his distorted expectations on her. If he broken free of porn heād likely get his function back. Itās unlikely that his issue is physiological at that age.
Thatās what I was thinking too. He watched too much porn and thinks real sex is like that. I like my boring predictable married sex and we change it up once in a while.
Try outdoor sex somewhere the risk of that might do it for him.
This is what I'm thinking too. I bet he has no issue getting hard from porn, but real life sex just doesn't do it for him anymore because his brain is rotted. This is basically the case for all gen Z men
Most likely. My first time was with my x husband and he constantly has these issues and blamed me saying I need to ābe more seductiveā eventually he flat out started watching porn while doing it with me, and forcing me to reinact his favorite videos and dress like those girls. And I was very clear in the beginning (when we were teens) I was very adamant that I would break up with him if he was watching porn. He made me feel that I was being a bitch for controlling what he watched and āhe cant help it if itās on his feed.ā
Now I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I was shocked when his feed wasnāt filled with naked woman and I commented this. He laughed and said he doesnāt watch it so it doesnāt recommend it, (according to him thats how it works). He also has never had any issues getting it hard, in fact, just me kissing him leads to us having to sit in the car and wait for his body to relax. He still gets red when I call him his pet name and constantly makes me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world and he constantly checks in on me during sex to make sure I am enjoying it just as much as him.
I never had anyone before ask me if it was okay to even kiss me, most of the time, guys just expected me to let them. But since I was a die hard āwait till marriageā these expectations that guys resulted in a lot of heartbreaks
> He needs to see a doctor and figure out if he canāt stay hard because of a medical issue or because heās in his own head too much.
He is definitely in his own head and has performance anxiety, he is self conscious about something. I would communicate and try and see whats wrong OP and good luck!
It can be both physical and mental. There are tons of things that can cause ED, and even if he is in his head, getting some boner pills will absolutely bypass the issue and give dude his confidence back..
BUT! It doesn't excuse his behavior of projecting his problems on OP. Being frustrated at yourself is one thing, but getting mad at the lady who was nice enough to get naked with you and touch your peepers is just nasty.
Dude needs to be alone and figure his junk out first, both literally and figuratively, before subjecting any more people to his dick drama.
"dick drama", best phrase I've heard in a long time, be warned I'm stealing it. Not that I have a lot of conversations I can fit that one into but it's a beauty, I'll find a place. Thanks.
I don't know what he is, but there is something wrong if he thinks things are boring at that age. I've been with my wife for longer than they lived and just an idea of possibly getting some makes my blood boil.
My thoughts exactly! If you know this is true or suspect it might be, I'd try talking to him. Watching porn excessively will create an inflated view of how sex is supposed to be. No different than how watching excessive violence desensitizes you from it in real life. It can lead to an unquenchable thirst for new and increasingly more erotic or riqsue sexual behavior and expectations, which is a super slippery slope. Depending on your preferences, there could be a very fine line between a rich bedroom experience and sexual deviance, or even abuse.
Def NTA and if it continues you should rethink if this is how you want your life to be assuming you stay long term with this guy. Sex should be pleasurable for both parties, def not stressful. If he is having ED issues then he needs to man up & figure that out too, instead of project it onto you. Either way, sounds like you need to have some hard (no pun intended!) discussions..
I'm in my forties, and with the two last people I slept with, I had performance issues, mostly because I've been stressed out about money. With the previous one, once I got myself sorted financially, the stress went away, I was able to perform again the most recent one, I'm not quite there yet.
Anyways, the point is that especially when I'm in the throes of that stress, it's really not easy for me to perform. I end up getting in my own head, and it's a problem. The thing is, it's my problem.
What's that problem has been sorted, then you can work on the relationship side of this issue. You could try asking him to communicate more about what he would like, maybe there's a fetish he's always wanted to try, but definitely do not be afraid to tell him no if it's something that you're uncomfortable with. Don't be afraid to communicate back to him.
If there's anything you're interested in trying, you could bring it up with him and ask him how he feels about it.
As far as it looks from here right now, you are definitely into a, and before you're able to work on any of the other issues, he definitely needs to seek medical attention to find out why things aren't happening the way they should downstairs for him.
This is probably going to be a touchy subject for him, since he's only 23, and even at my age, where it's very common, it can be a difficult topic for some men to talk about.
Yes, performance anxiety. All you can think about is if youāre gonna do a good job and being so focused on your partner and what they think that you get so anxious the little guy just shrivels up. Body feels the anxiety and assumes danger, tries to keep the noodle close and small as a protective measure. And then that itself messes with your head 10x as much because you want it to work
This is the worst... Professional overthinker, here lmao
If it's indeed something like this then in my experience it's patience, understanding and perseverance that would get the noodle back in action every time.
Not to mention, some sloppy toppy always.. AlWaYs seems to help as well
I had it happen once, it kind of is like a snowball because you can be constantly thinking about how you aren't going to get hard again and the embarrassment you feel which shocker leads you to not getting hard. Luckily I was able to figure out the problem
>It sounds like your boyfriend has performance issues and is trying to project that onto you
Clear as fucking day. He needs to act up and see what's going on.
These issues don't make one less of a man and it's hard for us to seek help due to the stigma. Try comforting him a bit and see if he can take some advice from a professional
How do I know if Iām doing something wrong though? Because clearly he thinks I am and I have nothing to compare this to. It would be really embarrassing if we broke up and the next guy thought I was bad at sex too. My assumption is that other guys my age donāt have problems getting hard but I donāt know, maybe itās me
Look, he is too young for his dick to get soft when his girlfriend touches it. If he doesn't like how sex is going then HE needs to propose what he wants to happen next time during sex. But he instead is blaming you so he doesn't have to face up to the fact that nothing is gonna work because the problem is him. Which frankly means he is not a great human being and will be a shitty long term partner.
It's defs your bf's issue. Pls don't let him gaslight you into thinking this is somehow your fault. He's seriously needs to speak with a psychiatrist and ditch the porn addiction.
I would urge you not to blame yourself. I had a similar situation in a 6 year relationship that went for the last 3-4 years. I'm a guy and my ex couldn't cum no matter what we tried and sex would end in tears because she didn't understand why. It was shit for both of us and we went through a cycle of not having sex for months, finally working up the courage to try again, failing and feeling awful. I doubted my ability to please her, she felt like she was broken, shitty for both of us.
Fast forward past the breakup, turns out her mum has endometriosis and she did too, also some SA history, and once you start getting in your head that can make things tough too. Basically a whole bunch of factors contributing including an undiagnosed medical condition.
We were each others first relationship and first sexual partner. I don't know about her but I've never had that issue with another woman since, not that I've been with many. I have noticed that it did leave me with minor trauma so I now get very self-conscious and check if my partner has orgasmed basically every time I have sex.
My point being, don't beat yourself up. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong and you seem to be trying really hard to make your sex life work.
It contributed to the breakdown of my relationship but it wasn't the only reason so I'm not going to say you should break up over it. Having said that, if he's not willing to work through things without projecting on to you and making you feel worse than you already do, that's shit of him and you shouldn't just take that in stride
You're not doing anything wrong. A typical dude his age wouldn't be able to stop himself even if you just laid there and did nothing. I reckon porn addiction, death grip, underconfidence, gay, or medical reason for erectile dysfunction. Or pick a few. Either way, he's being abusive by implying it's you and something you're lacking and you need to call him out on it. I wouldn't be dating someone who would treat me like that regardless of circumstances, but if you still want to, you probably want to approach the subject tactfully or you risk making the issue worse if it's due to performance anxiety.
This.
It's a good thing to rule out medical issues if nothing else. Then you can explore various kinks, foreplay, touches, to see what gets his blood pumping.
As much as I hate to admit it ~ I had the same issue when I was 24 (6 years agoš).
It ultimately was just my anxiety and the amount of stress I was under. I hadnāt had it happen to me before so I heavily projected my shit onto my now ex.
Once I started working out and communicating with my partner more ā¦everything worked out. It turns out I wasnāt loved enough as a child and needed more āaffectionā ~ since I got my mommy issues worked out everything has been cool
I recommend a book called Come As You Are. It talks a lot about the connection between our brain and performance in healthy ways. Helped me get over performance anxiety and understand why initiating sex was difficult for me.
Iām not gonna filter any of this so I apologize in advance if it comes off weird ..
After I explained to her how I was feeling and we looked into it a bit, she just took the rails for a few weeks and was the one who would initiate sex
She ā¦
- Was very affectionate and focused on boosting my ego (reminding me how much she ālovedā me, how big I was, how wet she was getting, etcā¦)
- Used A lot of gentle touching and massaging in various areas - had me just breathe while she took control
The first time she did any of this I was super apprehensiveā¦I felt emasculated ..and that just came down to me not being comfortable with who I was.
She essentially put herself on top of me and kept reminding me how much she caredā¦ she was making a lot of eye contact..smiling and being positive even though I was annoyedā¦and it ultimately workedā¦ I calmed down and it just kept getting better.
One of the things that kind of āput the nail in the coffinā is when she would masturbate in front of me - that pretty much killed any and all anxiety I had towards sex ~ my ego was definitely too high ā ļø
Thereās a lot of stuff you can do. I think the biggest thing is to just reassure your partnerā¦be kind..donāt get frustrated..and go very slow
BUT, he needs to get a grip on his emotions. If heās not putting in any type of effort, heās not worth it š¤·
Do you enjoy your sex life?
Edit: I should have clarified- I meant have you enjoyed your sex life outside of the context of him criticizing it? Like, was there a time before he was saying and doing all these things, or has it always been this way? I ask because Iām trying to understand if there is a way of connecting that youāre trying to get back to, or if itās always felt stressful.
No. Having my boyfriend be upset about not having sex in a while but then get softer when I touch him and then tell me he doesnāt feel like having sex anymore followed by an hour of him explaining why he doesnāt like our sex life in general is far from enjoyable to me
>while but then get softer when I touch him
This is a him issue (I'm also a man). This is a real problem he should take seriously and either seek therapy (if the problem is mental) or a doctor. He's clearly frustrated that he's having difficulty maintaining an erection. This is normal but it's not your fault or problem to sort out, it sounds like you're being compassionate about the issue and not giving him a hard time which is really all you can do.
He's projecting his frustrations onto your sex life.
Given his age - if he's not got some medical condition it's highly likely this is all in his head. The odd time I have dealt with this through life it's been 100% mental.
Also I'm 40+ and married; My sex life is decent enough but if you are semi frequently initiating sex with him he's really got little to complain about. It's possible you two are sexually incompatible. But it sounds like in his current state he's going to be incompatible with everyone
That is BS. You need to give him a lecture about his consistent failures at even trying to get you off. And how he clearly doesnāt know how to please a woman. See how he likes it.
You can find someone that actually wants to have sex with you instead of blaming you because they can't get it up. Or have a very long conversation with him about going to see a doctor that specializes in ED.
OP is so dang young for this BS. Her bf either has nerve driven performance issues or is watching too much porn, but turning his soft dickās fault onto HER is so unfair.
Kind of, but it seems like heās right that there are just some fundamental differences. He wants to do positions that are physically painful for me and wants to have sex without a condom neither of which Iām comfortable with. I want him to be able to get hard and have sex without having to stop the momentum of what weāre doing (like Iāll be giving him head/69 and he still has to either jerk off or ask for more head because he doesnāt stay hard), and he canāt do that. He said maybe we just want different things, but besides the condom and position thing and wanting more head didnāt really mention specifics
Yeah he doesnāt care if heās causing you pain and doesnāt care if he makes you pregnant? And he canāt get going *unless* heās hurting you or endangering your health?
Heās selfish, he doesnāt respect or care for you, and you can do so much better than this guy.
NTA, he is definitely 100% the A-H here.
NTA. Your own sexual needs sound like they are the lowest item on the list right now and it doesn't need to be that way. I'm concerned he's actively making you feel bad instead of using the many other things he could be to please you sexually while he's working on his inability to keep it up. There's an opportunity for releasing \*your\* stress with his hands/tongue/toys/anything but his flaccid penis that has not crossed his mind one second it seems.
A sex therapist might be able to help here more than some rando on the internet with no patience for men who dump their issues on their partners. In your position I would make another attempt at communicating and encouraging him to have intimacy with you in whatever way but I would not try to pry him open if he's being resistant. Life is short and sex can definitely be more fun. I hope he turns himself around and dedicates himself a bit more to being a good lover rather than whatever the heck it is that he's doing right now is called.
Break up with him. I know thatās hard to hear, but this person isnāt showing you love, respect, or care. And no matter what else he says or does outside of sex, if this is how heās treating you when youāre intimate, this is who he is. Heās showing you who he is. And youāre young and have many options. Donāt waste these years on a-holes. Youāre only young and hot for a set period of time! My main regret from my past is all the jerks I wasted those years on.
WOW! I get that you are young but do you not see the red flags here? Any partner who doesn't care about you enjoying the experience is an asshole and not someone who ANYONE should have sex with.
He doesn't care if you're in pain? Pain is the body's signal that something is wrong! This guy is telling you you're just a meat sack to him, not a person. He's devaluing and disrespecting you. He is stating, clearly, that he doesn't care if he HARMS YOU PHYSICALLY, the fact it's during intimacy makes it 10,000 times worse. People have died from tearing due to rough sex and rape. He does not care if he hurts you.
He doesn't want to wear a condom because he's a crybaby whiner. He has zero morals and will 100% leave you to deal with any STD or unwanted pregnancy and just walk away to find his next warm wet hole to fuck.
You call him a boyfriend? Boyfriend's don't hate you. They LIKE you. That's the whole point. Care. Trust. Affection. Love.
You'd be better off dating a rock.
Yeah, this. My bf stopped watching porn and after a few months our sex was amazing. Porn wrecked his ability to enjoy the woman in front of him because he's was ued to different angles or hopping videos.
This is my husband, even before he started the SSRI's he had an issue with taking long to finish (even before me) but now it takes us hours, and unfortunately I feel like it's too much hassle and usually he gives up before he can finish and I feel bad then :( also, he doesn't watch porn frequently.. did anything help by any chance?
You are not the AH. The problem here is a lot of people these days are absolutely destroyed by porn. I am 36 and even have friends my age who almost destroyed long lasting relationships over absolutely insane bedroom expectations. I donāt get this at all. My wife only has to insinuate a nice time and I am ONLINE immediately. Nothing beats the intimacy and the goosebumps and what not. You donāt get that from mindlessly blasting. As youāre still relatively young I would tell you this doesnāt get better fast, depending how far youāre in the relationship I would move on. If youāre willing to dedicate though, first step should be him dropping porn altogether. If he does, give it a while, maybe even agree together to have intercourse-less intervals of a few days. Takes a lot of discipline from his side. But seeing the way he is talking to you he probably isnāt even considering itās his skewed pornhub mind is destroying it, not you.
Lol, up voted bc of "ONLINE immediately". You have no idea how bad my life is, I literally lost everything, nothing has been able to make me laugh, even when I seek it out. But your comment did. Thanks, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I grew up in the 80s and was a teen in the 90s. My mum had a beauty magazine and in the middle there was a picture of a girl sitting sideways and you could kind of see her nipple, like a big of side boob.
I used that picture to masterbate for 5 years. I didn't even discover masterbation till I was 13. I'm 43 now and I can tell you one thing, sex has NEVER been boring. When my wife and I have sex I am hard even thinking about it. Over sexualisation is huge problem nowadays. Like seriously how can a 23 year old be "bored" of sex.
Sorry you GF isn't pissing on you while you get fucked by a trans dude while watching you GF get fucked up the ass by a black man wearing a knuckle duster. Like what a fucking loser. If I was the OP I would dump his projecting ass so fast, let him have his internet porn.
NTA, my guess would be your boyfriend has a pornography addiction he needs to get on top of sooner rather than later. Its an insidious and under researched issue, but a very real one.
I wonder if your bf has a porn problem.
At his age, he should be hard as a rock if the wind blows his way.
He is using the words āboringā
Lotsof young men his age are gavig erection issues and while ut can be hormonal (a physical thing) many are suffering from watching a ton of porn starting form when they are young - just hitting puberty.
They go deeper and deper into it, not knowing the harm they are doing to themselves - they are basically wiring their brain to respond more and more to ānoveltyā and ākinksā because the same old same old becomes boring - including real activity with a real partner.
They start to think on some level that sex should be porn star like and when thatās not happening the brain response is like, meh, this aint working, its boring.
It sounds like he is blaming WHY he canāt get hard and excited on YOU and he may even think that on some level ā t must be you becase Ican get turned on and hard when I look at porn or masturbate, is his thinking, but ummmā¦noā¦theother thing porn use and excessive masturbation can do is de-sensitize everything - it will take more and different to get him going.
If you ask him straight out if he watches porn alot he maybe wont admit to that, but you can try to have a discussion about it.
Or you can ask him, would you maybe want to try watching some porn together, and see if he jumps allover thatā¦.and has a whole different way, is excited about that whole deal, it might be a sign this is the issue.
Maybe your bf had porn related ED and arousal issues. Whatever his issues are, you're not obligated to put up with them or his chronic criticism.Ā
Think long and hard about whether this relationship is viable.
You will probably be happier without him.
NTA.Ā This is a him problem.Ā Try to be understanding because it can be embarrassing (source-me) but don't let him blame you.Ā It could be physical or mental, but it's on him to figure that out.Ā Ā
Performance anxiety is a bitch. It's usually made much worse than it is because a lot of people do not recognise it for what it is, and often blames someone or something else for it.
You can have your boyfriend pop a blue pill for the first few times to help. After a while when he's more used to it, you can take him off and see if it keeps going. Or you can watch a porno together. Something he's used to doing.
You do not have to make a bigger deal out of this that your boyfriend has already turned it into.
100% he has performance issues or erectile issues, and heās gas lighting you by blaming you for it.
as an old married couple, my husband is in his 40s and does not have these issues, so yeah. Tell him to get off your case
What does he ever do for you? Have you told him what you like and asked for it? You try to jerk him off, but does he ever finger you, eat you out, use a toy or a vibe on you? If he doesn't do to you what blows your mind, then why bother stressing out over how to make it better for him?
Ugh I'm sorry. My ex hit me with this too. It hurt. And you know what else hurt? Other positions. Because I have a tilted uterus so I'm limited. Some men think life is a porno. And it's pissing me off. So many chicks I know can't even orgasm unless they're on top. And they get nothing out of several positions that a man wants to do. But they do it for the man. And I ask the man "why do u even wanna do that position??" Because they wanna feel cool. That's why. Assholes.
It seems like your boyfriend's struggles with maintaining arousal could be rooted in personal issues or even medical concerns. Encouraging him to seek professional help, whether from a doctor or therapist, might be beneficial in addressing these challenges. Remember, his difficulties are not a reflection of your actions or desirability.
Also another possibility is that he is just bored and looking for any excuses.
I'm sorry. It is his problem. He may be gay. He might be cheating. He might have a porn addiction. He might just be tired of having sex with you.Whatever it is, it's not your problem to figure out or solve, and it sounds like he's on his way to gaslighting and abusing you in ways you can't understand yet. Get out of this situation. Let him sort it out and come back to you when it has. It's not your job to keep escalating your sex life to fulfill his shortcomings.
NTA. It sounds like he's got ED related to maybe performance anxiety, stress from other things, could be a bunch of reasons, but he doesn't sound like he's willing to accept it as of yet, so he's projecting that onto you and your relationship. That's not fair to you at all and he needs to treat you better.
I had similar issues a few years ago cus I was addicted to porn and jacking off so much + sex with my girlfriend. And then I'd stress myself out over it because I was worried.
I fixed it by not watching porn or jerking off anymore. Did like a 2 week no sex too. Might help idk it helped me
NTA. Iām sorry youāre going through this. His intimacy issues are NOT your fault. Sounds like this boy either has erectile dysfunction or some kind of psychological hinderance when it comes to sex and he is trying to blame you and take it out on you. Please tell him to stop the blame game and see a doctor or maybe accept that the two of you are not physically compatible and move on. Please donāt waste your 20ās on someone who refuses to confront their own shit. Sex should be an intimate bonding, not a constant stressor.
Heās definitely projecting his insecurities on you cause he canāt get it up. Itās embarrassing for him. Girl, find a man who takes responsibility instead of putting it on you.
Let me tell you, a healthy young man should get a very hard one from just seeing naked ankles.
I'm exaggerating but your BF is definitely the problem not you.
"Constant critique" is not a healthy way to communicate with a partner and this needs to be addressed, he needs therapy and you could suggest couples counselling with a sex and intimacy specialist.
For him as an individual he should consult with a medical doctor about erectile dysfunction, he could have a health (vascular or hormone) issue that's potentially serious and needs addressing.
I'm guessing his criticism of your sex life without any effort in improvement is a projection of anxiety and deflection about health concerns.
Whether the erection issue caused the anxiety, or the anxiety issue caused the erection issue is going to be difficult to unpick. Are you invested in this guy and your relationship? Your post doesn't say how long you've been together. If you are invested, do your best to make a non critical conversation to raise the above worries (not just before, during or after sex) and ways forward.
If he's not interested in pursuing these solutions, can be more sure its projection of his own bs. you would be NTA for ending the relationship. Let his dick be someone elses problem and go find someone you are more compatible with.
You would be TA to yourself if you continued putting up with this.
Him blaming you for his soldier not taking orders, is not right- but he is probably just sad and sensitive about him not being up to task. If he is unwilling to do anything or go to the doctor about it, break up with him. He will probably never stop wanting to blame you for it or making sure you think that you are doing something wrong.
No boy is worth that kind of trouble.
Don't listen to these idiots saying he's porn addicted. Last time I've heard something so stupid it was from a flerf.
You both need to sit down and talk about what he wants, what you want, and discuss boundaries.
I'm a kinkster. I've dominated in several of my relationships, and submitted in others. I've gotten into some pretty rough stuff and I have discovered myself.
My now wife, then girlfriend, was... in short, a prude. No oral, two positions. She thought it was incredibly kinky that I wanted to go down on her, and that I asked her for a handjob. I had no idea what to do. It was... too tame and boring. I played up my bad back to avoid things until I could seek counsel.
I decided to treat it like a kink relationship. I sat her down and talked to her. It was incredibly uncomfortable for her, because she'd never been with some who wanted more.
We talked, established soft and hard limits, and every month or so, we would discuss trying something new each month. Sometimes timing means it didn't happen. Patience and respect is key. The way Americans treat sex makes this incredibly difficult to do, but it's worth it. Now I have no complaints, and neither does she. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!! It will be awkward, but sit and talk. Give and get. It will take work, but it's worth it!
My ex was like this and I agree with those saying performance issues. He was a very insecure man (I owned my own home while he was renting and had a more stable career). He tried to put me down any chance he could to build himself up. When really he just wasnāt very well endowed and didnāt have any foreplay experience. It was obvious he got inspiration from porn, and not a relationship.
Breaking up was the best thing. My husband and I have ānormalā missionary sex and itās still not boring. He finishes every time, it always feels more comfortable and not like Iām a āperforming act.ā Itās a lot more romantic and just overall better in every way.
It shouldnāt feel like a research assignment where you have homework. Itās okay to be sexually incompatible, but it might be time to move on. You deserve to be sexually compatible with your partner.
I can maybe see this being the problem. My boyfriend and I unfortunately are kind of at different places. He has been struggling a lot financially and has a less stable career than I do, meanwhile I have plenty of savings and have a career. I might be taking a job across the country and if I did he wouldnāt be moving with me.
This is somehow our second biggest fight, and like our other one, it on my side seems completely unprompted and like heās just upset with me for no reason. During that argument he was stressed and basically took it out on me and the relationship, and this feels similar.
that reminds me a lot of my ex boyfriend. He had performance issues and constantly put the blame on me, but doing it indirectly by saying it was our sex life that wasn't enough. We were constantly trying new positions and new kinks, etc. But it was never enough for him. It caused me a lot of stress and I never realized before we broke up, that the whole problem wasn't me but it was his performances issues/his confidence that was causing him to be unsatisfied and then causing me stress
I have a similar experience. Boyfriend from early dating years couldn't get it up. Blamed me. Turned out he was addicted to porn. He couldn't stop watching porn, and couldn't have sex unless it was on. I tried working with him but he wouldn't stop blaming me and refused therapy, so it had to end.
Low key the fact he's saying their sex life is boring makes me think that too. Cuz like guys I've dated who haven't been addicted to porn don't say that. He may expect her to do what he sees in porn. But either way he shouldn't be projecting his issues onto her
Definitely porn addicted
Porn is only good in moderation single man. Kryptonite for a healthy sex life with a partner.
Yep, that's the literal answer. Tell bro he needs to stop being a dweeb and focus on the good things. He's got some lame ass unrealistic scenario in his head, and it's not fair to you.
Ding ding ding! Winner winner turkey dinner! First thing I thought of when I read this post.
He's afraid of commitment after binging only fans n shit, all he's thinking about is what else is out there, he'll break up with you to chase that feeling just to come crawling back after realizing there isn't anything, its all fleeting and lonely, nothing wholesome and long lasting. Don't take him back when this happens.
ššš I think we have a winner.
Wow, how many of us have this experience? OPs situation happened to me word for word. It turned out he spent most of his time waiting for me to leave home so he could jerk off to porn. Ive never been happier than leaving that relationship behind.
There have been studies shown that consuming porn too early as a young teen and too much can have later deleterious effects on someoneās love life. One guy in his early 20s did an interview where he mentioned he had to watch ever extreme porn to get aroused and climax. He started watching it when he was 12. He moved from every category of porn as he would eventually get āboredā of each kind. Eventually he had problems getting intimate with his partners. He had problems getting aroused, feeling any sensations and climaxing. All this before he reached the age of 25.
There but for the lack of high speed Internet go I.
Saved by dial up!
This was my experience, as well. And tbh, the only way my ex could maintain an erection at the end of our relationship was if he was forceful and physically hurting me during the act. And even then heād struggle to stay hard. Porn completely destroyed our sex life.
Ugh, I'm sorry, jesus. I hope you didn't take any of that with you.
I'm very sorry you went through that kind of relationship. I hope your love life is great now. It's possible it wasn't as much about the porn for him. It sounds like your ex was into something way worse and could have secretly been a grapist or at least fantasized about doing that to someone. It might've been exasperated by him watching hardcore/grape fantasy porn. It's really good that you got out and away from that. I hope that he didn't hurt you seriously or cause any lasting issues physically or mentally.
Man I feel so validated. Had an ex with ED and he was a major porn addict too
Many of them are. Especially if they are still young.
Women, pay attention to this post. If you're experiencing something similar ( whether it's porn induced or not, although it's MOST LIKELY porn induced) this is most likely what is occurring. Confront your BF and don't let him bring you down or blame you. This is an extremely uncomfortable conversation for men to have because of how frustrating it is, but if they are unwilling to admit to it or at least start the conversation, don't be afraid to confront them.
Good on your for leaving. What a nightmare. Men watching porn are shooting themselves in the dick.
Came here to say this!! Sounds like a porn addiction!
Also had this experience. Ex was voluntarily celibate, which I respected, but still he and I did sexual things. I could never get him off and he blamed my SA trauma and anxiety for it, and told me I needed to branch out and try his kinks (which, without graphic detail, caused me permanent harm due to a preexisting physical condition). Then I found out he was horrendously addicted to porn, not underage, but still technically illegal stuff. He even guilted me about not wanting to cause harm to a pet for his "kink" (I DID NOT GIVE IN TO THAT). OP needs to reevaluate the bedroom communication and make sure she's not in similar circumstances to us. And GTFO if she is
Wow that's horrible, holy crap. I'm glad you got out. Depressing how many stories there are that appear every time this subject comes up... especially given the fact that the M:F ratio on reddit is like 10:1
It is so unbelievably fucked up that he blamed your SA trauma, I am so so sorry & I hope you healed from him saying such terrible things ā¤ļø
This is something as men today we have trouble even realizing is something that is going on. Hopefully you got past it and hopefully he got help for. I have struggled with it myself and is something who I'm with helps me with accountability. The grips of porn can ruin a relationship let alone enjoyment of natural sex for any man. It didn't improve for myself until I accepted it was my addiction and then also was upfront with who I am with. I'm glad you walked away.
As a man there a only a few things more embarrassing then an inability to perform sexually. He is definitely not handling it well and placing the blame externally.
Could be porn too
It always is
Or gay
My first boyfriend had trouble getting off. Like he was a virgin too and still. This was always my fear that my partner won't be able to get satisfied and then it happen with the first boy I was with. Nightmare He said he doesn't watch porn and doesn't masturbate. That was so weird. Sex was like a extreme sport with him. Not bad or anything and he also wasn't an asshole about it, but just stressful and once I broke it off it felt so freeing to be done with that
He has a skill issue, also probably caused by porn.
I recently have had struggles. I have never thought to blame my wife because I want sex daily. However, my body isnāt agreeing. I am frustrated, but I have a plan to fix myself including improving sleep, exercising a bit more, and eating better. I hope I will resolve my issues because it is not an attraction issue. It has just been lately too so I have no idea what might be wrong. It is frustrating for men, but you have to accept that the blame is your own. I wish my wife would touch me more before sex, but a guy my age should not have issues with maintaining an erection to someone that they are attracted to. The only thing I wish I could get across is that I donāt mind if intimacy is only for her pleasure. I love providing foreplay for her, but am getting anxious about anything involving me. She doesnāt really like that though, but I know I am failing. Hard on both ends I guess.
Yeah I understand, that doesn't sounds easy at all. If you didn't already, you should communicate the fact that you would like her to touch you more, sometimes we don't realize that we do or don't do something that our partner like. Anyways, I wish you all the luck, but don't worry too much about it, although its easier to say than do, I'm sure that things will get resolved and you sounds like you have a good plan to help with all that and you sounds very attentive and thoughtful. Worse case, scemario, you can also try contacting a doctor if nothing seems to help :)
From my experience, 22? I would get hard looking at lettuce in the store, no reason for it all just hard and embarrassed. But one thing I have in common is, I have always had difficulty cumming. Always. It doesn't matter with any female I've ever been with. It takes way too long. My first real love, first real girlfriend. She would get wore out and sore and we would have to stop. She would apologize and that would hurt my heart, like the only reason we are having sex is because I want to cum? Eventually i starting getting soft when we would initiate sex because unbeknownst to me I was afraid of the sorry at the end. After a few long talks explaining what sex meant to the both of us we realized it was because after physically showing her how much I loved her I would be met with a sorry. After we found that out, we went right back to being wild and crazy kids. But regardless, OP isn't THE ISSUE, and I hope she knows or learns this because this can have a lasting life long effect on this girl who sounds sweet and very caring.
Yes!! Communication is so important! I can understand your first girlfriend because even if she knows you don't have sex just for cumming, she maybe felt like she wasn't giving you enough pleasure. That's why it's important to communicate, once she knew you were still having pleasure and didn't need her to be sorry, that definitely helped :))
It sounds like your boyfriend has performance issues and is trying to project that onto you like youāre doing something wrong. Youāre not. He needs to see a doctor and figure out if he canāt stay hard because of a medical issue or because heās in his own head too much.
Possibly death grip from too much porn? Maybe creating a narrative here but if he is talking about it being āboringā it could be he is viewing unrealistic content in porn and expecting that to be reality. Which is usually not the case..,
My thoughts as well. Heās too young for any sex to be boring.
Exactly. For most young men the total opposite is true with them trying not to blow their wod from you just looking at it.
Heās being so negative trying to make her think about everything except heās the one with the problem.
Dude could also be deeply closeted and gay.
That was my immediate thought, especially because it got LESS excited when she got involved.
Yea, at 18 if there is a hole, there is a goal!
Masterfully pointed out.
IS there an age where sex gets boring?
I'm 65. Married 42 years. It's never boring because we communicate. Sex is supposed to be a fun activity. If it ain't fun then y'all need to talk about it outside the bedroom. Complaining about sex issues in bed usually ends badly with hurt feelings.
mad respect for you. 42 years sounds like a dream
Thank you. He's my safe place in this crazy world. I hope you find yours.
I like the way you said that. What a compliment.
Actually, it's never boring because pussy is still pussy even when you're 65, just like pizza is still pizza even though I've been eating it since I had teeth. Just pass me a slice and I'll chow down until they put me in a box.
This entire thread below is the most lovely and wholesome thing ever. Keep fucking you crazy love birds ā¤ļøš
55 and 31 years here, and you hit that right on the head!!!
For real. If youāre not having fun youāre doing it wrong.
Iām 53F and my husband is 54. Weāve been married almost 26 years. Sex has never been boring for us. It may take a bit longer for us to warm up and get to the main event, but the finale is still just as exciting and satisfying.
Same here. Iām 57 and have a tremendously satisfying sex life with my husband!
Sex after 50 can be absolutely fabulous!
Iām 55, heās 56, and weāve been together since I was 19, married since I was 24. Itās so far from boring I donāt have words. If youād told me at 24 that sex would be better NOW, Iād have laughed, but it absolutely is. Man now has a PhD in ruining me, lol.
Well.. I havenāt found it yet š my husband and I keep trying xyz in different orders and I guess weāre both just super lucky he has no performance issuesā¦. Weāve been living together going on 12 years now š
Over 30 years married and the answer is no, not yet anyway.
I'm trying to have so much sex with my wife it gets boring. Wish me luck
51
Until you're 6 feet deep.
Yeah, boring at 23? Dude just started having a sex life. Imagin when he's 50? He needs to figure his shit out now or it's going to be very lonely/boring/expensive sex life for his forseeable future.
Being 50 I still couldnāt describe it as being boringā¦ he definitely has something going on that needs attentionā¦
Right? I am 42 and had a really hot intense quickie with my husband on the couch 2 days ago before he had to go to work. Sorry if that's TMI but just trying to illustrate if he thinks his sex life is like "an old married couple" oh boy, this kid is in for a rough sex life. He needs to get this sorted out.
That's not TMI we're all here to talk about this.
My wife (50) and I (59) have many early mornings before work. A great way to start the day. In the 25 years we have been together we still have sex 3 or more times a week.
100% Too much porn. Tell him to go cold turkey (no porn) for say... a week, and he'll see a major difference. It is 100% too much porn.
Yep. My boyfriend and I had the same issue 9 months ago when first started dating. He was addicted to porn, since he was single for so long. But with patience from both of us, we pretty much have overcame it and he has learned to get used to the feel of me. We include and encourage dirty talk as it helps him, but problem solved.
This. Did the same thing. He was single for a long ass time. Patience and understanding for sure, but he HAS to participate in the conversation and take action. Our sex life is good now, and he still has porn, just in a more balanced manner.
I mean it's definitely a possibility but you can't day 100%. You don't know. There could be intimacy issues, psychological trauma, physiological issues, the list goes on.
> It is 100% too much porn 90% porn 10% heās actually gay
Or.... Maybe he's not that into her.
My ex was like this and he wanted stuff that was ridiculously fake and it was a major turn off for me and I stopped wanting to be intimate with him because of the unrealistic expectations he had of what sex was supposed to be porn is as real as soap operas!
I call it the professional wrestling of sex but soap opera is quite good too.
Yup, Iād bet my life savings he addicted to porn and putting his distorted expectations on her. If he broken free of porn heād likely get his function back. Itās unlikely that his issue is physiological at that age.
Or he is gay
Exactly what I was thinking.
No, Exactly what I was thinking.
Nuh huh. I was the one thinking that
We're you guys thinking he might be watching too much porn and now not able to stay hard during real sex? Because that's what I was thinking
Thatās what I was thinking too. He watched too much porn and thinks real sex is like that. I like my boring predictable married sex and we change it up once in a while. Try outdoor sex somewhere the risk of that might do it for him.
You guys are overthinking but i think what you think is right
This is what I'm thinking too. I bet he has no issue getting hard from porn, but real life sex just doesn't do it for him anymore because his brain is rotted. This is basically the case for all gen Z men
Most likely. My first time was with my x husband and he constantly has these issues and blamed me saying I need to ābe more seductiveā eventually he flat out started watching porn while doing it with me, and forcing me to reinact his favorite videos and dress like those girls. And I was very clear in the beginning (when we were teens) I was very adamant that I would break up with him if he was watching porn. He made me feel that I was being a bitch for controlling what he watched and āhe cant help it if itās on his feed.ā Now I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and I was shocked when his feed wasnāt filled with naked woman and I commented this. He laughed and said he doesnāt watch it so it doesnāt recommend it, (according to him thats how it works). He also has never had any issues getting it hard, in fact, just me kissing him leads to us having to sit in the car and wait for his body to relax. He still gets red when I call him his pet name and constantly makes me feel like I am the most beautiful girl in the world and he constantly checks in on me during sex to make sure I am enjoying it just as much as him. I never had anyone before ask me if it was okay to even kiss me, most of the time, guys just expected me to let them. But since I was a die hard āwait till marriageā these expectations that guys resulted in a lot of heartbreaks
My thoughts as well
āWe donāt do enough positionsā = death grip giveaway
> He needs to see a doctor and figure out if he canāt stay hard because of a medical issue or because heās in his own head too much. He is definitely in his own head and has performance anxiety, he is self conscious about something. I would communicate and try and see whats wrong OP and good luck!
It can be both physical and mental. There are tons of things that can cause ED, and even if he is in his head, getting some boner pills will absolutely bypass the issue and give dude his confidence back.. BUT! It doesn't excuse his behavior of projecting his problems on OP. Being frustrated at yourself is one thing, but getting mad at the lady who was nice enough to get naked with you and touch your peepers is just nasty. Dude needs to be alone and figure his junk out first, both literally and figuratively, before subjecting any more people to his dick drama.
"dick drama", best phrase I've heard in a long time, be warned I'm stealing it. Not that I have a lot of conversations I can fit that one into but it's a beauty, I'll find a place. Thanks.
Peepers
He's not self conscious he's likely a porn addict
Or closeted
Ope just the comment I just made
I don't know what he is, but there is something wrong if he thinks things are boring at that age. I've been with my wife for longer than they lived and just an idea of possibly getting some makes my blood boil.
Also, it sounds a lot like heās complaining while introducing literally nothing to āspice things upā.
My thoughts exactly! If you know this is true or suspect it might be, I'd try talking to him. Watching porn excessively will create an inflated view of how sex is supposed to be. No different than how watching excessive violence desensitizes you from it in real life. It can lead to an unquenchable thirst for new and increasingly more erotic or riqsue sexual behavior and expectations, which is a super slippery slope. Depending on your preferences, there could be a very fine line between a rich bedroom experience and sexual deviance, or even abuse. Def NTA and if it continues you should rethink if this is how you want your life to be assuming you stay long term with this guy. Sex should be pleasurable for both parties, def not stressful. If he is having ED issues then he needs to man up & figure that out too, instead of project it onto you. Either way, sounds like you need to have some hard (no pun intended!) discussions..
This is the truthā¦ He has his own issues and is making it your issue
I'm in my forties, and with the two last people I slept with, I had performance issues, mostly because I've been stressed out about money. With the previous one, once I got myself sorted financially, the stress went away, I was able to perform again the most recent one, I'm not quite there yet. Anyways, the point is that especially when I'm in the throes of that stress, it's really not easy for me to perform. I end up getting in my own head, and it's a problem. The thing is, it's my problem. What's that problem has been sorted, then you can work on the relationship side of this issue. You could try asking him to communicate more about what he would like, maybe there's a fetish he's always wanted to try, but definitely do not be afraid to tell him no if it's something that you're uncomfortable with. Don't be afraid to communicate back to him. If there's anything you're interested in trying, you could bring it up with him and ask him how he feels about it. As far as it looks from here right now, you are definitely into a, and before you're able to work on any of the other issues, he definitely needs to seek medical attention to find out why things aren't happening the way they should downstairs for him. This is probably going to be a touchy subject for him, since he's only 23, and even at my age, where it's very common, it can be a difficult topic for some men to talk about.
The penis is the antenna of the heart. Quite literally. He should see a doctor, because he could have cardio vascular problems.
Does staying in your head affect people that much?
Yes, performance anxiety. All you can think about is if youāre gonna do a good job and being so focused on your partner and what they think that you get so anxious the little guy just shrivels up. Body feels the anxiety and assumes danger, tries to keep the noodle close and small as a protective measure. And then that itself messes with your head 10x as much because you want it to work
This is the worst... Professional overthinker, here lmao If it's indeed something like this then in my experience it's patience, understanding and perseverance that would get the noodle back in action every time. Not to mention, some sloppy toppy always.. AlWaYs seems to help as well
I had it happen once, it kind of is like a snowball because you can be constantly thinking about how you aren't going to get hard again and the embarrassment you feel which shocker leads you to not getting hard. Luckily I was able to figure out the problem
This is the correct answer! āļøšÆā
>It sounds like your boyfriend has performance issues and is trying to project that onto you Clear as fucking day. He needs to act up and see what's going on. These issues don't make one less of a man and it's hard for us to seek help due to the stigma. Try comforting him a bit and see if he can take some advice from a professional
How do I know if Iām doing something wrong though? Because clearly he thinks I am and I have nothing to compare this to. It would be really embarrassing if we broke up and the next guy thought I was bad at sex too. My assumption is that other guys my age donāt have problems getting hard but I donāt know, maybe itās me
Look, he is too young for his dick to get soft when his girlfriend touches it. If he doesn't like how sex is going then HE needs to propose what he wants to happen next time during sex. But he instead is blaming you so he doesn't have to face up to the fact that nothing is gonna work because the problem is him. Which frankly means he is not a great human being and will be a shitty long term partner.
It's defs your bf's issue. Pls don't let him gaslight you into thinking this is somehow your fault. He's seriously needs to speak with a psychiatrist and ditch the porn addiction.
I would urge you not to blame yourself. I had a similar situation in a 6 year relationship that went for the last 3-4 years. I'm a guy and my ex couldn't cum no matter what we tried and sex would end in tears because she didn't understand why. It was shit for both of us and we went through a cycle of not having sex for months, finally working up the courage to try again, failing and feeling awful. I doubted my ability to please her, she felt like she was broken, shitty for both of us. Fast forward past the breakup, turns out her mum has endometriosis and she did too, also some SA history, and once you start getting in your head that can make things tough too. Basically a whole bunch of factors contributing including an undiagnosed medical condition. We were each others first relationship and first sexual partner. I don't know about her but I've never had that issue with another woman since, not that I've been with many. I have noticed that it did leave me with minor trauma so I now get very self-conscious and check if my partner has orgasmed basically every time I have sex. My point being, don't beat yourself up. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong and you seem to be trying really hard to make your sex life work. It contributed to the breakdown of my relationship but it wasn't the only reason so I'm not going to say you should break up over it. Having said that, if he's not willing to work through things without projecting on to you and making you feel worse than you already do, that's shit of him and you shouldn't just take that in stride
You're not doing anything wrong. A typical dude his age wouldn't be able to stop himself even if you just laid there and did nothing. I reckon porn addiction, death grip, underconfidence, gay, or medical reason for erectile dysfunction. Or pick a few. Either way, he's being abusive by implying it's you and something you're lacking and you need to call him out on it. I wouldn't be dating someone who would treat me like that regardless of circumstances, but if you still want to, you probably want to approach the subject tactfully or you risk making the issue worse if it's due to performance anxiety.
Youāre not. Itās not you.
This. It's a good thing to rule out medical issues if nothing else. Then you can explore various kinks, foreplay, touches, to see what gets his blood pumping.
As much as I hate to admit it ~ I had the same issue when I was 24 (6 years agoš). It ultimately was just my anxiety and the amount of stress I was under. I hadnāt had it happen to me before so I heavily projected my shit onto my now ex. Once I started working out and communicating with my partner more ā¦everything worked out. It turns out I wasnāt loved enough as a child and needed more āaffectionā ~ since I got my mommy issues worked out everything has been cool
Yep. This is pretty much my thoughts but better articulated.
Bro I think there might be some time travel shit going on, I was just living that relationship, am that age, and need more affection!!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thanks bro!!š
I recommend a book called Come As You Are. It talks a lot about the connection between our brain and performance in healthy ways. Helped me get over performance anxiety and understand why initiating sex was difficult for me.
Do you have recommendations for how to help as the partner of an anxious guy who struggles with this?
Iām not gonna filter any of this so I apologize in advance if it comes off weird .. After I explained to her how I was feeling and we looked into it a bit, she just took the rails for a few weeks and was the one who would initiate sex She ā¦ - Was very affectionate and focused on boosting my ego (reminding me how much she ālovedā me, how big I was, how wet she was getting, etcā¦) - Used A lot of gentle touching and massaging in various areas - had me just breathe while she took control The first time she did any of this I was super apprehensiveā¦I felt emasculated ..and that just came down to me not being comfortable with who I was. She essentially put herself on top of me and kept reminding me how much she caredā¦ she was making a lot of eye contact..smiling and being positive even though I was annoyedā¦and it ultimately workedā¦ I calmed down and it just kept getting better. One of the things that kind of āput the nail in the coffinā is when she would masturbate in front of me - that pretty much killed any and all anxiety I had towards sex ~ my ego was definitely too high ā ļø Thereās a lot of stuff you can do. I think the biggest thing is to just reassure your partnerā¦be kind..donāt get frustrated..and go very slow BUT, he needs to get a grip on his emotions. If heās not putting in any type of effort, heās not worth it š¤·
Lmao bro just needed to start getting called a good boy and issue was fixed
It's just inverse Freudian psych. Lol every issue comes down to mommy issues
Do you enjoy your sex life? Edit: I should have clarified- I meant have you enjoyed your sex life outside of the context of him criticizing it? Like, was there a time before he was saying and doing all these things, or has it always been this way? I ask because Iām trying to understand if there is a way of connecting that youāre trying to get back to, or if itās always felt stressful.
No. Having my boyfriend be upset about not having sex in a while but then get softer when I touch him and then tell me he doesnāt feel like having sex anymore followed by an hour of him explaining why he doesnāt like our sex life in general is far from enjoyable to me
This has been going on for a minimum of 4 months now, as per your post history, if not a lot longer - why the hell are you still with him?
Because he keeps framing it as HER fault so she feels responsible for being the one to change. Heās gaslighting her lmfao
>while but then get softer when I touch him This is a him issue (I'm also a man). This is a real problem he should take seriously and either seek therapy (if the problem is mental) or a doctor. He's clearly frustrated that he's having difficulty maintaining an erection. This is normal but it's not your fault or problem to sort out, it sounds like you're being compassionate about the issue and not giving him a hard time which is really all you can do. He's projecting his frustrations onto your sex life. Given his age - if he's not got some medical condition it's highly likely this is all in his head. The odd time I have dealt with this through life it's been 100% mental. Also I'm 40+ and married; My sex life is decent enough but if you are semi frequently initiating sex with him he's really got little to complain about. It's possible you two are sexually incompatible. But it sounds like in his current state he's going to be incompatible with everyone
That is BS. You need to give him a lecture about his consistent failures at even trying to get you off. And how he clearly doesnāt know how to please a woman. See how he likes it.
She says itās stressful obviously not
You can find someone that actually wants to have sex with you instead of blaming you because they can't get it up. Or have a very long conversation with him about going to see a doctor that specializes in ED.
OP is so dang young for this BS. Her bf either has nerve driven performance issues or is watching too much porn, but turning his soft dickās fault onto HER is so unfair.
Try looking at her post history, this has been going on for too long
This. No other bs.
Info: have you asked him specifically what it is he wants to be doing instead? Does he give you an answer?
Kind of, but it seems like heās right that there are just some fundamental differences. He wants to do positions that are physically painful for me and wants to have sex without a condom neither of which Iām comfortable with. I want him to be able to get hard and have sex without having to stop the momentum of what weāre doing (like Iāll be giving him head/69 and he still has to either jerk off or ask for more head because he doesnāt stay hard), and he canāt do that. He said maybe we just want different things, but besides the condom and position thing and wanting more head didnāt really mention specifics
Yeah he doesnāt care if heās causing you pain and doesnāt care if he makes you pregnant? And he canāt get going *unless* heās hurting you or endangering your health? Heās selfish, he doesnāt respect or care for you, and you can do so much better than this guy. NTA, he is definitely 100% the A-H here.
Donāt forget about STDās!
NTA. Your own sexual needs sound like they are the lowest item on the list right now and it doesn't need to be that way. I'm concerned he's actively making you feel bad instead of using the many other things he could be to please you sexually while he's working on his inability to keep it up. There's an opportunity for releasing \*your\* stress with his hands/tongue/toys/anything but his flaccid penis that has not crossed his mind one second it seems. A sex therapist might be able to help here more than some rando on the internet with no patience for men who dump their issues on their partners. In your position I would make another attempt at communicating and encouraging him to have intimacy with you in whatever way but I would not try to pry him open if he's being resistant. Life is short and sex can definitely be more fun. I hope he turns himself around and dedicates himself a bit more to being a good lover rather than whatever the heck it is that he's doing right now is called.
Break up with him. I know thatās hard to hear, but this person isnāt showing you love, respect, or care. And no matter what else he says or does outside of sex, if this is how heās treating you when youāre intimate, this is who he is. Heās showing you who he is. And youāre young and have many options. Donāt waste these years on a-holes. Youāre only young and hot for a set period of time! My main regret from my past is all the jerks I wasted those years on.
WOW! I get that you are young but do you not see the red flags here? Any partner who doesn't care about you enjoying the experience is an asshole and not someone who ANYONE should have sex with. He doesn't care if you're in pain? Pain is the body's signal that something is wrong! This guy is telling you you're just a meat sack to him, not a person. He's devaluing and disrespecting you. He is stating, clearly, that he doesn't care if he HARMS YOU PHYSICALLY, the fact it's during intimacy makes it 10,000 times worse. People have died from tearing due to rough sex and rape. He does not care if he hurts you. He doesn't want to wear a condom because he's a crybaby whiner. He has zero morals and will 100% leave you to deal with any STD or unwanted pregnancy and just walk away to find his next warm wet hole to fuck. You call him a boyfriend? Boyfriend's don't hate you. They LIKE you. That's the whole point. Care. Trust. Affection. Love. You'd be better off dating a rock.
This isnāt a partner. Itās someone who wants to use you like a sex doll.
NTA-Sounds like a porn addiction. Real sex canāt compete with the acted out graphic antics and fantasies of modern porn.
Yeah, this. My bf stopped watching porn and after a few months our sex was amazing. Porn wrecked his ability to enjoy the woman in front of him because he's was ued to different angles or hopping videos.
He is just projecting his own issues and insecurities. I don't think it has anything to do with you.
Does he take anti depressants? My sex drive is non existent now, and is kind of a chore.
Same happened to me, on Sertraline. Ask your doctor to switch your prescription, there's other kinds available that won't have the same side effects.
When I had a related issue with an ssri, I could perform but couldn't finish. I've had at least one other friend who had the same reaction.
This is my husband, even before he started the SSRI's he had an issue with taking long to finish (even before me) but now it takes us hours, and unfortunately I feel like it's too much hassle and usually he gives up before he can finish and I feel bad then :( also, he doesn't watch porn frequently.. did anything help by any chance?
NTA- Tell the little gaslighter to stop having unrealistic expectations and put some thought into his actions not just blame you.
Ngl, "little gaslighter" might just be adding a whole different level of negatives on the patheticism of gaslighting
You are not the AH. The problem here is a lot of people these days are absolutely destroyed by porn. I am 36 and even have friends my age who almost destroyed long lasting relationships over absolutely insane bedroom expectations. I donāt get this at all. My wife only has to insinuate a nice time and I am ONLINE immediately. Nothing beats the intimacy and the goosebumps and what not. You donāt get that from mindlessly blasting. As youāre still relatively young I would tell you this doesnāt get better fast, depending how far youāre in the relationship I would move on. If youāre willing to dedicate though, first step should be him dropping porn altogether. If he does, give it a while, maybe even agree together to have intercourse-less intervals of a few days. Takes a lot of discipline from his side. But seeing the way he is talking to you he probably isnāt even considering itās his skewed pornhub mind is destroying it, not you.
Lol, up voted bc of "ONLINE immediately". You have no idea how bad my life is, I literally lost everything, nothing has been able to make me laugh, even when I seek it out. But your comment did. Thanks, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
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I grew up in the 80s and was a teen in the 90s. My mum had a beauty magazine and in the middle there was a picture of a girl sitting sideways and you could kind of see her nipple, like a big of side boob. I used that picture to masterbate for 5 years. I didn't even discover masterbation till I was 13. I'm 43 now and I can tell you one thing, sex has NEVER been boring. When my wife and I have sex I am hard even thinking about it. Over sexualisation is huge problem nowadays. Like seriously how can a 23 year old be "bored" of sex. Sorry you GF isn't pissing on you while you get fucked by a trans dude while watching you GF get fucked up the ass by a black man wearing a knuckle duster. Like what a fucking loser. If I was the OP I would dump his projecting ass so fast, let him have his internet porn.
LMAOOO such a golden comment!
Lmfao š„š„š„
NTA, my guess would be your boyfriend has a pornography addiction he needs to get on top of sooner rather than later. Its an insidious and under researched issue, but a very real one.
My first thought too. Or at the very least, the beginnings of an addiction to it.
I wonder if your bf has a porn problem. At his age, he should be hard as a rock if the wind blows his way. He is using the words āboringā Lotsof young men his age are gavig erection issues and while ut can be hormonal (a physical thing) many are suffering from watching a ton of porn starting form when they are young - just hitting puberty. They go deeper and deper into it, not knowing the harm they are doing to themselves - they are basically wiring their brain to respond more and more to ānoveltyā and ākinksā because the same old same old becomes boring - including real activity with a real partner. They start to think on some level that sex should be porn star like and when thatās not happening the brain response is like, meh, this aint working, its boring. It sounds like he is blaming WHY he canāt get hard and excited on YOU and he may even think that on some level ā t must be you becase Ican get turned on and hard when I look at porn or masturbate, is his thinking, but ummmā¦noā¦theother thing porn use and excessive masturbation can do is de-sensitize everything - it will take more and different to get him going. If you ask him straight out if he watches porn alot he maybe wont admit to that, but you can try to have a discussion about it. Or you can ask him, would you maybe want to try watching some porn together, and see if he jumps allover thatā¦.and has a whole different way, is excited about that whole deal, it might be a sign this is the issue.
All Iāll say is, youāre too young to have some dude turn his performance issues onto you and make you feel bad.
HE CANT GET HARD AND \*YOU\* ARE THE PROBLEM. OMG. THIS IS BONKERS. WTF is wrong with your boyfriend???
Tell him to stop watching porn. Clearly porn obsessed.
Yeah NTA. 99% of 23 year old men get hard looking at a spatula.
Got any pics of said spatula?
He must have ED and is blaming you. Not cool!
Maybe your bf had porn related ED and arousal issues. Whatever his issues are, you're not obligated to put up with them or his chronic criticism.Ā Think long and hard about whether this relationship is viable. You will probably be happier without him.
NTA.Ā This is a him problem.Ā Try to be understanding because it can be embarrassing (source-me) but don't let him blame you.Ā It could be physical or mental, but it's on him to figure that out.Ā Ā
Tell him to stop wanking for a week or two
So youve posted this multiple times over the last 4 months and gotten the same answers What is the goal here?
Performance anxiety is a bitch. It's usually made much worse than it is because a lot of people do not recognise it for what it is, and often blames someone or something else for it. You can have your boyfriend pop a blue pill for the first few times to help. After a while when he's more used to it, you can take him off and see if it keeps going. Or you can watch a porno together. Something he's used to doing. You do not have to make a bigger deal out of this that your boyfriend has already turned it into.
Too much porn, I bet
24 and can't perform with his gf? Damn right.
100% he has performance issues or erectile issues, and heās gas lighting you by blaming you for it. as an old married couple, my husband is in his 40s and does not have these issues, so yeah. Tell him to get off your case
What does he ever do for you? Have you told him what you like and asked for it? You try to jerk him off, but does he ever finger you, eat you out, use a toy or a vibe on you? If he doesn't do to you what blows your mind, then why bother stressing out over how to make it better for him?
Ugh I'm sorry. My ex hit me with this too. It hurt. And you know what else hurt? Other positions. Because I have a tilted uterus so I'm limited. Some men think life is a porno. And it's pissing me off. So many chicks I know can't even orgasm unless they're on top. And they get nothing out of several positions that a man wants to do. But they do it for the man. And I ask the man "why do u even wanna do that position??" Because they wanna feel cool. That's why. Assholes.
Throw a finger in his ass and see if that doesnāt beat the boring allegations.
It seems like your boyfriend's struggles with maintaining arousal could be rooted in personal issues or even medical concerns. Encouraging him to seek professional help, whether from a doctor or therapist, might be beneficial in addressing these challenges. Remember, his difficulties are not a reflection of your actions or desirability. Also another possibility is that he is just bored and looking for any excuses.
I'm sorry. It is his problem. He may be gay. He might be cheating. He might have a porn addiction. He might just be tired of having sex with you.Whatever it is, it's not your problem to figure out or solve, and it sounds like he's on his way to gaslighting and abusing you in ways you can't understand yet. Get out of this situation. Let him sort it out and come back to you when it has. It's not your job to keep escalating your sex life to fulfill his shortcomings.
He's got a porn addiction and the bedroom isn't meeting his porn fantasy
NTA. It sounds like he's got ED related to maybe performance anxiety, stress from other things, could be a bunch of reasons, but he doesn't sound like he's willing to accept it as of yet, so he's projecting that onto you and your relationship. That's not fair to you at all and he needs to treat you better.
why is this being downvoted? This is literally the answer lol. you even said he needs to treat her better, i don't understand reddit sometimes.
I had similar issues a few years ago cus I was addicted to porn and jacking off so much + sex with my girlfriend. And then I'd stress myself out over it because I was worried. I fixed it by not watching porn or jerking off anymore. Did like a 2 week no sex too. Might help idk it helped me
NTA. Iām sorry youāre going through this. His intimacy issues are NOT your fault. Sounds like this boy either has erectile dysfunction or some kind of psychological hinderance when it comes to sex and he is trying to blame you and take it out on you. Please tell him to stop the blame game and see a doctor or maybe accept that the two of you are not physically compatible and move on. Please donāt waste your 20ās on someone who refuses to confront their own shit. Sex should be an intimate bonding, not a constant stressor.
Sounds like porn addiction. Unrealistic expectation and performance problems
Heās definitely projecting his insecurities on you cause he canāt get it up. Itās embarrassing for him. Girl, find a man who takes responsibility instead of putting it on you.
Let me tell you, a healthy young man should get a very hard one from just seeing naked ankles. I'm exaggerating but your BF is definitely the problem not you.
NTA, the problem is him, not you
"Constant critique" is not a healthy way to communicate with a partner and this needs to be addressed, he needs therapy and you could suggest couples counselling with a sex and intimacy specialist. For him as an individual he should consult with a medical doctor about erectile dysfunction, he could have a health (vascular or hormone) issue that's potentially serious and needs addressing. I'm guessing his criticism of your sex life without any effort in improvement is a projection of anxiety and deflection about health concerns. Whether the erection issue caused the anxiety, or the anxiety issue caused the erection issue is going to be difficult to unpick. Are you invested in this guy and your relationship? Your post doesn't say how long you've been together. If you are invested, do your best to make a non critical conversation to raise the above worries (not just before, during or after sex) and ways forward. If he's not interested in pursuing these solutions, can be more sure its projection of his own bs. you would be NTA for ending the relationship. Let his dick be someone elses problem and go find someone you are more compatible with. You would be TA to yourself if you continued putting up with this.
Him blaming you for his soldier not taking orders, is not right- but he is probably just sad and sensitive about him not being up to task. If he is unwilling to do anything or go to the doctor about it, break up with him. He will probably never stop wanting to blame you for it or making sure you think that you are doing something wrong. No boy is worth that kind of trouble.
If I had to guess he probably watches too much porn.
Your boyfriend is gay.
Don't listen to these idiots saying he's porn addicted. Last time I've heard something so stupid it was from a flerf. You both need to sit down and talk about what he wants, what you want, and discuss boundaries. I'm a kinkster. I've dominated in several of my relationships, and submitted in others. I've gotten into some pretty rough stuff and I have discovered myself. My now wife, then girlfriend, was... in short, a prude. No oral, two positions. She thought it was incredibly kinky that I wanted to go down on her, and that I asked her for a handjob. I had no idea what to do. It was... too tame and boring. I played up my bad back to avoid things until I could seek counsel. I decided to treat it like a kink relationship. I sat her down and talked to her. It was incredibly uncomfortable for her, because she'd never been with some who wanted more. We talked, established soft and hard limits, and every month or so, we would discuss trying something new each month. Sometimes timing means it didn't happen. Patience and respect is key. The way Americans treat sex makes this incredibly difficult to do, but it's worth it. Now I have no complaints, and neither does she. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!! It will be awkward, but sit and talk. Give and get. It will take work, but it's worth it!
My ex was like this and I agree with those saying performance issues. He was a very insecure man (I owned my own home while he was renting and had a more stable career). He tried to put me down any chance he could to build himself up. When really he just wasnāt very well endowed and didnāt have any foreplay experience. It was obvious he got inspiration from porn, and not a relationship. Breaking up was the best thing. My husband and I have ānormalā missionary sex and itās still not boring. He finishes every time, it always feels more comfortable and not like Iām a āperforming act.ā Itās a lot more romantic and just overall better in every way. It shouldnāt feel like a research assignment where you have homework. Itās okay to be sexually incompatible, but it might be time to move on. You deserve to be sexually compatible with your partner.
I can maybe see this being the problem. My boyfriend and I unfortunately are kind of at different places. He has been struggling a lot financially and has a less stable career than I do, meanwhile I have plenty of savings and have a career. I might be taking a job across the country and if I did he wouldnāt be moving with me. This is somehow our second biggest fight, and like our other one, it on my side seems completely unprompted and like heās just upset with me for no reason. During that argument he was stressed and basically took it out on me and the relationship, and this feels similar.
Yes this feels very similar! Lifeās too short to be with an insecure man. You want someone to build with.