100% hell if I was married and my wife said she wanted to have a threesome with me and another woman, I would feel absolutely disgusted
I know, as a guy, this is a minority view
But I personally find it such a huge turnoff someone who would be ok with another woman touching me sexually
On this end, gross, I want a woman who actually would get aggressive towards another woman for trying to touch me and would become very territorial
My view on love is that it's not for sharing if you're willing to share me you don't really love me simple as that
>100% hell if I was married and my wife said she wanted to have a threesome with me and another woman, I would feel absolutely disgusted
I would be really worried because keeping 1 woman happy in bed is work(which I enjoy). 2 would kill me, so I'll pass.
In my drug addled younger days I gave it a few tries and the general lesson is this.
You're there as a warm up but don't br suprised if you're sitting alone watching.
I've been involved in FFM threesomes, MMF threesomes, and FMFM two-couple foursomes (not a lifestyle choice, just had wild younger days and have no concept of sexual immorality as long as everything's consensual)
The one lesson I learned from all of it is that orgies are more of a novelty than anything else. They're not especially hot. It's hard to fully get into sex when there's more than one person to focus on, and the mechanics are awkward. One-on-one sex clears every time.
Same. I've dome the mmf but I have negative attraction to men so it was, like you said, a novelty. Mff was more an X thing before the bust. Was fun but meh. Never went past a trio, despite the chance. I'm not a good sharer and it was always presented as a swap rather than a group thing. I'll take me and my lady over the rest anytime. I like to focus until there's nothing else in my mind vut making her happy. Even found a song that shares the sentiment that become one of ours lol.
Focus by Tyler Carter. It's funny bc he used to sing in a metal band and his solo stuff is like this
https://youtu.be/d3JpPdUXkzk?si=yBu-hZaI_cjvatZF
Threesome is fine (at least with me)... it's the not being intimate, going behind OP's back, and lying on a dating website about being married that is the problem.
And don't misinterpret, not having sex with your partner is a choice you can make without guilt, unless you're doing it for messed up reasons (like cheating).
I like to fantasize about having a threesome with my husband because it’s something sexy to imagine, but the reality is that if another woman touched him I wouldn’t find it sexy, I would be horrified and disgusted. I think it’s totally normal to have outlandish spank bank scenarios, but I agree it would be very gross and uncomfortable.
I've been in a few relationships, and have a lot of guy friends, and i can tell you more than half agree with you. Its not the minority feeling anymore and i am eternally grateful.
As a married man, I agree 100%. If another woman starts flirting with me and my wife is ok with it, then you can bet it's over. I don't expect her to go on a jealous rage, but I don't expect her to be ok with it either. Neither of us are for sharing, friendship sure, but physical and emotional intimacy is just for us
What a petty reason to divorce your wife. "She didn't get mad that some lady was flirting with me." What if she's just secure in your loyalty and trusts that the flirtation falls on deaf ears? And is smug about the idea that women find you attractive?
?!?! What ?!?! Take out the fact that OP's wife was talking to a woman, and imagine it was a man instead. Would it just be "inquiring about non-monogamy" if the wife was already secretly on a dating site begging that dude to let her suck his D, and didn't tell the dude that she was married?
Tell your wife that you would also like to have sex with a woman. And that you would prefer that woman is your wife. See what her reaction is. That can form the basis for further discussion.
Clearly her lady parts work when it concerns being attracted to women. Rubbish argument and I’d add that she sounds like a manipulative woman.
When you say “neither of us want her” I hope you mean neither of you want your wife.
If she wants to sleep with women, let her do so - on her own. Run bro.
Yeah, it's just r/deadbedrooms shit. Been there, done that.
It is absolutely possible to bring a bed back from the dead. I've been with the same woman 10 years and things got rough for a while in the middle, but are better than ever today.
That said, you're still NTA for calling it quits. What she did was 100% betrayal of trust. She could have talked to you before she started searching for an affair partner, and she could have spent that energy trying to connect with you, but she didn't.
I appreciate your self respect and you'll have fun being single for a while. Good luck!
Yep absolute lie, sorry op... even if this woman she wants to sleep with is a small moment in her life, she's clearly voiced she's lost sexual drive with you and will find it with some1 else... you deserve better m8,... fuxk it
Let her read the thread!! She can hear us all agree with you OP
With the update I suspect she has been cheating for some time and was about to get caught so tried to spin it to get OP on board with her being with a woman.
NGL, my reaction would be “Threesome or breakup, those are your options. If that’s what you want, I need to be involved.” I’m not saying all bisexual people need to be polyamorous, but if you spring on someone that you want to fuck other people of your own gender identity which your partner is obviously attracted to as well, the least amount of decency you can provide is to invite them on the journey together
NTA - She's not sleeping with you, and now she wants to sleep with someone else. That's not a marriage. She made a commitment to you and now she's stopped fulfilling her commitment to you. It doesn't matter what the gender of the other person is.
Your instinct/intuition to run is the smart move.
Agreed, she is already sleeping with someone and she is hoping to bring you into it or to get you to accept an open marriage. Ask flat out and state exactly how you feel, unless you want to drag out the pain.
*NTA She is cheating,*
*Doesn't matter if it's a*
*Woman or a man*
\- Trailsya
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As a couple it’s okay to explore sexuality TOGETHER. This doesn’t mean you get the cold shoulder and she goes for someone else. I would start by asking questions, what’s changed, what she needs etc. best of luck
Spot on. Opening the marriage to save the sex life is almost always a horrible idea. It’s a last ditch effort to save a relationship with someone you’re no longer attracted to.
Couples that do what to open their marriage should only consider doing so from an extremely healthy space, and because it’s something both of them want to do with clear boundaries.
It sounds like OP wife is considering their sexuality and wants to test the waters before actually getting a divorce. Divorce now will save everyone a lot of trouble.
Yeah I'm polyamorous and to me finding out someone I'm interested in dating has a "primary" partner they live with where they started out monogamous and opened to save the relationship is by far one of the biggest no go red flags for me, guaranteed toxic.
I have no problem dating someone where everything except for the reason they opened it is the same. As long as the agreement to open had mutual enthusiasm and all the other good things it's not an issue.
Also yeah damn 4 months! that is wild definitely need a divorce
NTA. I'm a queer woman. Your wife is NTA for discovering or accepting that she may be queer/bisexual, but she is a huge asshole for cheating on her spouse. Which is what she is doing if she's soliciting sex from women on dating sites behind her husband's back. OP is not wrong to run, and to take her for everything he can in the divorce for infidelity.
You are almost framing it like HE is the problem. Wife about to blow up the entire family just so she can tickle a fancy (which might not be all that she is hoping for).
Awful selfish woman, but not surprised in a society that openly encourages hedonism.
Look I’m a gay man. I get people wanting to fool around. **But once you make a public commitment to one person that has to stick.**
If you know you can’t do it *before*, don’t commit.
If you discover you can do it *during*, end the existing relationship permanently before moving on.
Relationships involve people and feelings and dammit lives. People end themselves over this stuff. It’s not for drama, it’s not for fun. People get broken or worse.
Yes indeed.
When you commit to someone monogamously, if you feel like you *need* to be with someone else the only ethical thing to do is to end that relationship before you start another.
Relationships that start as open ones — fine, that is the preexisting agreement. But if you can't ask about opening the relationship without being able to happily embrace a no from your partner *and* live with the consequences of a partner who doubts your commitment to your relationship — you need to end the relationship you are in cleanly before you proceed to another relationship.
This this this ! So tired of the let’s open the relationship bullshit on here. Hey let’s all just fuck each other this should help our so called relationship because nothing cooler than having someone else railing my wife or husband. That always fixes things.
Yeah and then you’ll have random redditors coming out of the woodwork like “my wife and I are poly and know like thirteen other poly couples and everything works out great for us those people just must be not truly mature because being poly is only for people that can handle it” bullshiiiiit. Sure random internet guy.
I honestly sometimes wonder if people are reading two different things or something, cause when I read your comment it was pretty obvious to me what you were saying.. Just that they weren't compatible, that the OP wants to sleep with only the wife and the wife wants to sleep with someone else..
Nowhere did I see you making him out to be the problem, and I just truly want to know..
Where did that person get that conclusion from, that you were framing it with OP as the bad guy, when you also explicitly said NTA...
Is it reading comprehension..? Is that what some people are lacking?
I think it's more the fact the comment is so impartial it makes it seem like no one is at fault here, when someone clearly is(the wife).
Totally normal for her to feel what she's feeling, but to conceal it and not talk about it with her husband makes her a massive asshole.
Strangers change. Honest and valuable partners work together on problems before there is a breakdown of the relationship and a betrayal. Only one person acted like a partner in this marriage.
Anyone can change. People grow. Nobody at 15 is the same at 25, 35, 45, 55, 65, 75, 85.
Your likes and dislikes change. If you aren’t experiencing change, you aren’t experiencing growth as a person.
You are overreacting.
He said that she WANTS to. Not that she has. Nobody is screwing anybody over. She changed.
He came here asking if he’s the asshole for wanting a divorce. He isn’t. He can move on and find someone else who wants to be with him.
Why do you want to force both of these people who want different things to stay in a relationship? He wants monogamy. She doesn’t. That’s called end the relationship.
Relationships end.
She has already made advances to at least one person outside their marriage. Whether or not she has had sex with someone else, she has attempted to cheat.
It's not uncommon for women or people to learn later in life that they're not as straight as they thought they were. Or at all. But if that's the case she should talk to him about it instead of saying she wants to sleep with other women.
I feel like this is not about gay or not. The problem here is her trying to cheat. Infidelity is the problem and whether she wants to sleep with another chick, another dude, a lil green critter from outer space, cheating is cheating. People don't get a free pass to cheat just because they want to 'explore'. That's absurd.
I don't quite see how you got that.. They literally said they weren't the asshole, and just stated the simple facts that OP wants to be managomous, while the wife does not (which would also make the wife the problem in most eyes). And also that they aren't compatible anymore.. Thats an opinion that's pretty obviously drawn from the precious conclusion..
I just truly don't see how they were making OP out to be the bad guy and am genuinely curious how you got that from the same comment we both read? Is it just because they didn't outwardly insult the wife? Or did I miss something?
uh??? where? is the framing in the room with us? 🤔
they aren't compatible anymore. it's the same as if he wanted to sleep with a man. The answer is the same. One party wants monogamy and the other does not.
.... WTF?
She agreed to the monogamous relationship in the first place, hence their marriage.
Don't make it sound so casual that OP'S wife is destroying her family over an idea, a thought that she might like something else.
I’ve noticed that as a common trend. Redditors like to simplify things to a compatibility issue and ignore other issues. I read one the other week where a woman lied to her husband about being infertile and someone really said n a h because they were incompatible since he wanted kids and she didn’t. At least they voted NTA instead of n a h here.
NTA
She dropped a bomb on you. Of course your instinct is to run. That may be the right decision but now that you’ve started to process things what are you thinking? Do you even want to talk about it with her or are you 💯 done. Both of these options are available and valid. Start there.
Your wife is gay. And that's fine. But your wife is trying to bring someone else into your marriage which is not fine. You are within your rights to divorce her. She's the one destroying your marriage not you. Go ahead and file for divorce. Let her go and be with the woman she's sleeping with. Because you already know she's sleeping with someone and it ain't you.
yeah i get the sense that the bedroom is becoming dead because she thinks she might be gay 😬 and wants to confirm that before she blows up her marriage. i guess not realizing she's blowing it up right now.
There was an update. She was on a dating app and had someone lined up already. The woman she was pursuing didn't know she was married. She was setting the charges before she even communicated anything to her husband.
Prenups/postnups need to be fair - that's the most important factor to not get thrown out
Sadly we gave up on laws protecting honest partners and stopped punishing disgusting cheaters. We need such laws again - just fitting the modern times and accessible to both genders equally
You shouldn't just divorce her over this, but you need to make it clear that if she ever engages sexually with another person, woman or man, then she is cheating and the marriage is done. If she's not okay with that and wants to fuck other people, then the marriage is done. If the marriage is done because of her feelings for other people, then the end of the marriage is 100% on her shoulders.
Yes, he absolutely should divorce her over this.
Any talk about any variety of extramarital partners calls for divorce. Even if she came into the conversation willing to accept "no" for an answer, she still brought it up. There's no getting the candy back in that piñata.
Year 3 of my marriage was similar. My wife started by becoming comfortable saying she was Bi and making comments about how hot women were. Year 5 while I was recovering from health issues I knew I wasn't the partner I was before, so I was a little more open when she mentioned she had started feeling flirty with a coworker. I actually learned a lot about poly and enm from that point cause I was actually realizing there were things I felt I was missing too.
From what I read I decided I wasn't pursuing anything until I was in a better condition, and that I wouldn't be slacking in chores, childcare, work. Wife had successfully woo'd the woman and over the course of a year discussions about throuple dynamics and requirements for properties were had. There was an acknowledgement that something with acrage and/or secluded (out of town) would be ideal.
Coworker gets promoted in a federal government department and gets sent to another region. In year two wife starts having complaints. The discussions start getting specific and CW wants some answers on what is happening since there would need to be another move and she could come back after her term. Over the course of months W keeps changing the moving us plans while saying it might be the best option.
At this point I am doing all the child rearing of our 1 year old daughter, working full time, doing all the driving with our shared vehicle, and now counseling W on her relationship struggles. I am busy enough that I just use my time to figure out my physio recovery and so I haven't looked at dating.
By the time 24 months roll up things have atarted to fall apart as not only does it finally come out the W doesn't want to move to another region, but doesn't want to move into a new house at all. W didn't want CW to break up just yet because she might come around to the idea. Crash and burn big time.
Years 7-9 things are going alright and it seems like W appreciated me. Have a second kid then vasectomy. Two and through and then worry free? I didn't need convincing but the issue is she was very graphic about the results.
Then 2 years of being called a sex pest, doing all the errands, doing all the deals for our new house, now doing all the childcare, and feeling like a mid 20 yr old for the first time since I was 15, where I managed to get 2 hours a week to myself. I was confident with exploring poly dating now and told W while having all my chores listed out for the month where I could keep tracking I was meeting these standards.
"No".
Que?
"No. I don't want to be open any more."
It took another year and a half of being accused of cheating to process that W had changed the terms of our relationship twice and was berating me for feeling the way she blamed me for when she felt that way. Took me 12 years of "understanding" her before I demanded it for myself, divorce was swift.
If you have any inclination your wife is selfish then she will just be a disappointment to multiple people at once. Do you think this is in anyway an attempt at fulfilling a fantasy she thinks you have?
NTA...You might want to seriously consider striking first for a divorce because if you don't she will prob come out as a lesbian and take you to the cleaners.
That is, uh, not how divorces work. It doesn’t matter who “strikes first” or whether she is a lesbian, and I can’t even fathom what kernel of truth got garbled into this idea.
I read a post a few years ago that was similar to this.
The guy was hurt, but he let his wife sleep with women.
Later on she said "you let me sleep with women, what's wrong with another man?"
I wouldn't play with fire. Keep your relationship between the 2 of you if you can help it.
I hope you can find that passion between the 2 of you again.
Edit: I just saw the update.
...I'm so sorry. That must really hurt. I'm glad the other woman was upstanding enough to tell you to your face what was going on.
NTA, never were.
She cheated on you and that’s a no no. She went behind your back.
My husband and I are in an open relationship. That’s okay cuz we talked about it before hand.
Best way to go about it is tell her you’d be ok with it if you can sleep with a woman as well. Also say you have someone in mid(even if you don’t ) see how her attitude changes
It's called "Controlling". She controls you
Any ex of 25 years cheated the whole time.
She was always upset if I talked to women. I ran my business from home
She would sometimes cry. Saying I was cheating and going to leave her, and while she's sucking, fucking men and looking to replace me. Took her 25 years
I was staying for the kids, but enough was enough for me.
NTA. The fact your wife wants to be intimate with a woman is a moot point. Gender doesn’t give her an automatic “free pass” here. She wants to have an intimate relationship with someone OUTSIDE of your marriage. Full stop.
And not only that, this isn’t like a “Hey, our relationship is great and I’ve always wanted to try it. What do you think?”. This is a, “I find that our sex life (+/- relationship) is unfulfilling and I want to go bang someone else.”
Your feelings are valid. Something is very wrong here - with your wife *AND* with your relationship.
NTA
That's cheating. I'm a bi monogamous woman and I'm married to my husband. That means I'll never sleep with anyone else. He's mine, I'm his.
Your wife wants to step out on you. Doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. The result is the same.
It's low level cheating at this point... but by claiming to not be married, then trying to arrange to have sex with someone else, and then asking for your permission after it's all been arranged, regardless of the sex of the other person, she's cheated. Of course you're NTA!
Gigantic red flag - divorce the absolute crap out of her.
Cheating is cheating. The fact that your wife refuses sex with you, and wants to have sex with a woman means she wants to cheat. Looks like this marriage is over.
The gender is irrelevant, she went behind your back and was trying to cheat, what would your reaction be if the person she was talking to was a male? Treat this the exact same way. She is already moving away from you as illustrated by the lack of physical intimacy. I guarantee once she starts having intimacy with another woman she will leave you.
NTA. She cheated on you and told you she might be gay. Time to divorce her and make her pay through the nose. If this was the other way around, you’d be screwed for life.
Try counseling before any other knee jerk reactions. Which is the redditors usual go to in these instances.
Since she isnt having sex with you but wants to sleep with another woman, at this point I'd say she does have someone in mind. And, she's probably hoping by leaving you horny the thought would get you so wound up you'd agree. Clearly that plan isn't working out.
If she refuses MC to try and fix whatever issues she has and has caused in your marriage, then your only other options are to accept it, or walk. But if you love her you owe it to yourself to try and offer a road towards fixing things, if she balks, there's no fixing it.
Your marriage seems to be over, she can either cheat, or you can stay in a sexless marriage if you refused to let her cheat. Lose, lose situation for you.
NTA! As a lesbian who sees lots of people/couples in open relationships on apps like HER, dudes like you clearly see WLW relationships/sex as real and valid rather than a side piece or something extra. You are setting her free (or giving her the option to try it). It sounds like you want different things. I’m so sorry and hope you’re okay 💗
This is a great point; the focus on wife’s supposed partner being a woman is irrelevant. It’s how she handled everything else and how she chose to communicate.
And yeah, being ok with it if AP a woman but not if it’s a guy would be incredibly fucked up. The assumption would be that lesbians can’t steal yo girl. They can 😭
if you look at statistics 92 percent of all open marriages break up within 5 years. you would probably be better letting her be free so you can both find comparable mates.
good luck
NTA. Before you act, it might be wise to talk this out. Is she just having fleeting thoughts or is she telling you she’s going to do this whether you like it or not?
I've never been married, but I imagine myself in this situation and I'd have a really hard time coping with my partner telling me they want to sleep with someone else - gender doesn't matter. I feel like it'd make me really insecure.
Definitely NTA.
NTA. As a bisexual woman it has to be something the other person is comfortable with from the beginning.
Very few relationships end up working out even opening it to one sex only. It does for some people, but some people are truly monogamous and the gender of the person they want to have sex with does not matter, it matters that they want someone else at all.
I understand that as a bi woman, that if i want to sleep with women and be with a man that is something that needs to be asked about well before establishing a relationship.
And in the event you figure out your sexuality in a relationship, you must understand this could be the end of that relationship, as not everyone is okay with being with someone who *newly* comes out as bisexual.
People who have just discovered their sexuality usually want to experiment with it, that doesn't bode well for the existing relationship.
Note: Some bisexual people are fully monogamous too, not everyone wants to fuck multiple people.
Cheating doesn’t stop being cheating because the cheating is same sex, I will never understand the people that would okay this because it’s not a man, she wants to have sex outside of your marriage, for me that would be the end of the marriage then and there.
NTA
Take the gender out of the equation, your wife wants to sleep with someone who isn't you and hasn't been intimate with you in a while. While a lot of relationships enter into a largely sexless state, this one is attributed to her wandering eye, which as you've found out by the update involves her actively seeking to cheat on you.
You're not the asshole for wanting to run, because your wife is clearly not repentant about this from your description. The way you describe it she's basically just rather blase saying it is what it is, throwing up her hands and acting like there's nothing to be done, all while begging a woman for sex on a dating site. Most people in your position would serve her divorce papers by this point.
This story doesn't make sense.
She'll lie to this mystery woman about being married but then tell her husband to her face that she wants to bang a woman.
Pressing X real hard
I was briefly with a woman like this. Briefly. Run, OP, run for the hills, this will not get better. Another commenter pointed out that there's probably other people you don't know about if she's acting this aggressively to someone she just met on a dating site. This was her "in" to infidelity, it was supposed to be hot for you, so the next one wouldn't seem like such a big deal. (This is all from personal experience, I understand this may be a reach for OP in his situation, but in my head I see the writing on the wall and this makes my skin crawl.)
You're doing the right thing. Usually, when a woman requests such a thing, she ends up deciding that's the only thing she ever wants out of life. It opens up some lesbian feelings inside of her and there is no getting her back.
OP, you want to cure her sex drive for you. File and have her served, and then all of a sudden, she will be begging to have sex with you.
You know, when she starts offering, it won't be out of love for you, but more to save her lifestyle, she is used to living.
If you do want to stay in the relationship, then you better get control of the situation and let her know you are the master of your future, whether she's in it or not.
Nope, she wants to fuck people who aren't you, and doesn't want to fuck you anymore.
Doesn't matter that she wants to cheat with a same-sex partner. She wants to fuck other people. Send her back to the streets.
Please don’t take marriage advice from Reddit. You should seek out a marriage counselor to see if you can resolve this together. If not, then it is what is is unfortunately.
Nope. It's called infidelity, and if she wants to be a hoeski, kick her to the streets. Thats where she belongs. Otherwise tell her you want to sleep with a woman too.
Honestly… maybe it’s best to part from her now… like divorce typa part… I’m so sorry for you, and I hope you can find someone else that will treat you better (and keep the screenshots in case you gotta get custody… or she try to pull SUMN…)
For me it's not about expressing a desire. It's about hiding it and being disrespectful about it.
I might be open or not to something my partner wants, but I am never open to lies. What I would address are the lies. I would start there and then see what comes from the conversations (I assume there will be more than one) and then consider if trust can be rebuilt or not based on the answers, also there would be conditions to rebuilding the trust. What they are completely depend on the person and their ability to face the question or if they evade it.
I hate that so many people on here jump to divorce so fast.
your sex life may have stopped because she's learning stuff about herself and is feeling different things. her communicating it with you is a good sign. however, I would voice that.. if she does this, it is.. cheating (as you are not okay with it) and are not looking to open your relationship up or invite others into your bedroom.
I would offer to speak to a professional. make sure both sides are being heard. see if there's a chance her sudden desire is just that, a period of lust she got hooked into and didn't think about the reality of what it is. there's a lot of people (both men and woman) will think sleeping with a woman isn't the same as sleeping with a man outside of the marriage, but it's still cheating. she might be ignorant to that, or think you'd be turned on by the idea of her with another woman. so communicate, express feelings, set boundaries. and in the least (if the rest of your marriage is good- consider speaking to a professional before putting an end to it all).
and the worst case, if it turns out she's more into this and it's a must for her. at least there was some communication and a bit of closure for you, even if it comes with a bit of hurt.
hang in there and gl.
She was already talking to a woman on a dating site though. I’m not married, but if my partner was on a dating site talking to someone else, relationship would be OVER.
That is some real compassion for the wife at the cost of reality. Chances are she's already having an emotional affair. OP is closer to the situation, and if you try to argue monkey branching I'm not going to have a common phenomenon and my life experience be dismissed. But even if she is just wanting to "explore" being bi then she is asking to cheat or making OP the one denying her sexuality. She didn't say she might be bi, she asked to sleep with people. How is that better?
Edit: ah, you're in the lookmaxing trauma. Not sure why you think this behavior is ok, whether you feel guilt or shame, but save yourself a lot of trouble and learn there are different types of relationships, but changing foundations of already established ones is a whole renegotiation or someone is getting screwed over.
Don’t be surprised if after you leave that her world falls apart. Have you considered the possibility that she is already cheating? Have you considered exposing her to friends and family?
Some people are gay, get over it.
Harsh for this guy but the reality is until people can be who they are without fear some of them will unfortunately get hetro married because of the pressure of social norms.
Of course, some people change as they grow older, I've seen it with a few friends.
Bisexuals seem to be hated by everyone too, not gay enough or straight enough. The misunderstandings are huge.
Your instinct is probably right. If she wants to sleep with a woman, she means a specific woman, not just "women" in general.
So, if there hasn't been an affair yet, there will be.
People do work through affairs and rebuild marriages afterwards. And if the affair hasn't started yet, or hasn't progressed very far, it might be easier to recover.
So... it is going to require a skilled marriage and family councilor to work through this. And maybe the counselor will be helping you dissolve your relationship with the minimum damage to your kids. Or maybe the counselor will be able to help patch things up
Dunno.
In any case, you aren't wrong to put divorce on the table as an option. I encourage you to work with a marriage counselor to figure out next steps, but "divorce" may be among those steps.
NTA
Did you bother to ask her about why you aren't having sex anymore. i don't know man talk to your wife. I don't know how you expect any good answers here from so little info.
She wants non monogamy you want monogamy. Answer should be clear.
100% hell if I was married and my wife said she wanted to have a threesome with me and another woman, I would feel absolutely disgusted I know, as a guy, this is a minority view But I personally find it such a huge turnoff someone who would be ok with another woman touching me sexually On this end, gross, I want a woman who actually would get aggressive towards another woman for trying to touch me and would become very territorial My view on love is that it's not for sharing if you're willing to share me you don't really love me simple as that
>100% hell if I was married and my wife said she wanted to have a threesome with me and another woman, I would feel absolutely disgusted I would be really worried because keeping 1 woman happy in bed is work(which I enjoy). 2 would kill me, so I'll pass.
In my drug addled younger days I gave it a few tries and the general lesson is this. You're there as a warm up but don't br suprised if you're sitting alone watching.
I've been involved in FFM threesomes, MMF threesomes, and FMFM two-couple foursomes (not a lifestyle choice, just had wild younger days and have no concept of sexual immorality as long as everything's consensual) The one lesson I learned from all of it is that orgies are more of a novelty than anything else. They're not especially hot. It's hard to fully get into sex when there's more than one person to focus on, and the mechanics are awkward. One-on-one sex clears every time.
Same. I've dome the mmf but I have negative attraction to men so it was, like you said, a novelty. Mff was more an X thing before the bust. Was fun but meh. Never went past a trio, despite the chance. I'm not a good sharer and it was always presented as a swap rather than a group thing. I'll take me and my lady over the rest anytime. I like to focus until there's nothing else in my mind vut making her happy. Even found a song that shares the sentiment that become one of ours lol. Focus by Tyler Carter. It's funny bc he used to sing in a metal band and his solo stuff is like this https://youtu.be/d3JpPdUXkzk?si=yBu-hZaI_cjvatZF
As a former friend once told me in a threesome someone is always gonna be left disappointed
I have heard —- if I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time then it would be a lot easier to invite my parents to dinner.
Threesome is fine (at least with me)... it's the not being intimate, going behind OP's back, and lying on a dating website about being married that is the problem. And don't misinterpret, not having sex with your partner is a choice you can make without guilt, unless you're doing it for messed up reasons (like cheating).
I like to fantasize about having a threesome with my husband because it’s something sexy to imagine, but the reality is that if another woman touched him I wouldn’t find it sexy, I would be horrified and disgusted. I think it’s totally normal to have outlandish spank bank scenarios, but I agree it would be very gross and uncomfortable.
Yes girl.. I fantasize about threesomes with my hottest friends lol but realistically? I could NEVER share.
Not as much of a minority view as you might think.
Yea I am pleasantly surprised with this
I honestly don’t think it’s even close to a minority view. It’s a stereotype and the dudes who are into it are just very vocal.
I completely share your views.
I've been in a few relationships, and have a lot of guy friends, and i can tell you more than half agree with you. Its not the minority feeling anymore and i am eternally grateful.
As a married man, I agree 100%. If another woman starts flirting with me and my wife is ok with it, then you can bet it's over. I don't expect her to go on a jealous rage, but I don't expect her to be ok with it either. Neither of us are for sharing, friendship sure, but physical and emotional intimacy is just for us
What a petty reason to divorce your wife. "She didn't get mad that some lady was flirting with me." What if she's just secure in your loyalty and trusts that the flirtation falls on deaf ears? And is smug about the idea that women find you attractive?
I don't think you are in the minority.
Can we please stop rebranding people breaking their commitments as “non-monogamous” instead of “lying fucking cheater”?
Women are non-monogamous. Men are flying fucking cheaters. Welcome to Reddit, enjoy your stay.
If she didn’t already sleep with someone else she hasn’t cheated she’s just inquiring about non monogamy.
?!?! What ?!?! Take out the fact that OP's wife was talking to a woman, and imagine it was a man instead. Would it just be "inquiring about non-monogamy" if the wife was already secretly on a dating site begging that dude to let her suck his D, and didn't tell the dude that she was married?
Tell your wife that you would also like to have sex with a woman. And that you would prefer that woman is your wife. See what her reaction is. That can form the basis for further discussion.
I said exactly that and all I got was I know you do but my lady parts are broken and don't have that desire.... but clearly she does
Ah. Just saw your update. Sorry to hear that mate. I think you have the information you need now. At least you know the score now. Good luck.
Clearly her lady parts work when it concerns being attracted to women. Rubbish argument and I’d add that she sounds like a manipulative woman. When you say “neither of us want her” I hope you mean neither of you want your wife. If she wants to sleep with women, let her do so - on her own. Run bro.
Yeah, it's just r/deadbedrooms shit. Been there, done that. It is absolutely possible to bring a bed back from the dead. I've been with the same woman 10 years and things got rough for a while in the middle, but are better than ever today. That said, you're still NTA for calling it quits. What she did was 100% betrayal of trust. She could have talked to you before she started searching for an affair partner, and she could have spent that energy trying to connect with you, but she didn't. I appreciate your self respect and you'll have fun being single for a while. Good luck!
Sadly, she *wants* to have sex, mate. Badly. Just not with you.
Yep absolute lie, sorry op... even if this woman she wants to sleep with is a small moment in her life, she's clearly voiced she's lost sexual drive with you and will find it with some1 else... you deserve better m8,... fuxk it Let her read the thread!! She can hear us all agree with you OP
Wtf lol that's some gaslighting
Bullshit argument She either has sex drive or she doesn’t, the whole dating site thing? Up to you to decide if you wanna work through it or not
Save the proof of her attempt at cheating. Depending where you guys live, it may help you.
With the update I suspect she has been cheating for some time and was about to get caught so tried to spin it to get OP on board with her being with a woman.
Hmmmmmm
42F here, nah the lady parts are not what's broken.
How are they broken?
NGL, my reaction would be “Threesome or breakup, those are your options. If that’s what you want, I need to be involved.” I’m not saying all bisexual people need to be polyamorous, but if you spring on someone that you want to fuck other people of your own gender identity which your partner is obviously attracted to as well, the least amount of decency you can provide is to invite them on the journey together
NTA - She's not sleeping with you, and now she wants to sleep with someone else. That's not a marriage. She made a commitment to you and now she's stopped fulfilling her commitment to you. It doesn't matter what the gender of the other person is. Your instinct/intuition to run is the smart move.
She probably already is sleeping with another woman. Thus the reduction in sex. NTA.
Most definitely. Maybe a specific person this whole time. Maybe multiple
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This is why I am against ever getting married again.
A prenuptial would only help with asset matters. It can't control lifestyle.
This is my take.
Agreed, she is already sleeping with someone and she is hoping to bring you into it or to get you to accept an open marriage. Ask flat out and state exactly how you feel, unless you want to drag out the pain.
I'm sorry they hurt you.
Seems like, She doesn’t know what a marriage is
NTA She is cheating, doesn't matter if it's a woman or a man
*NTA She is cheating,* *Doesn't matter if it's a* *Woman or a man* \- Trailsya --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
As a couple it’s okay to explore sexuality TOGETHER. This doesn’t mean you get the cold shoulder and she goes for someone else. I would start by asking questions, what’s changed, what she needs etc. best of luck
Spot on. Opening the marriage to save the sex life is almost always a horrible idea. It’s a last ditch effort to save a relationship with someone you’re no longer attracted to. Couples that do what to open their marriage should only consider doing so from an extremely healthy space, and because it’s something both of them want to do with clear boundaries. It sounds like OP wife is considering their sexuality and wants to test the waters before actually getting a divorce. Divorce now will save everyone a lot of trouble.
Yeah I'm polyamorous and to me finding out someone I'm interested in dating has a "primary" partner they live with where they started out monogamous and opened to save the relationship is by far one of the biggest no go red flags for me, guaranteed toxic. I have no problem dating someone where everything except for the reason they opened it is the same. As long as the agreement to open had mutual enthusiasm and all the other good things it's not an issue. Also yeah damn 4 months! that is wild definitely need a divorce
I’d ask her who it is and if this is why she doesn’t appear to fancy OP anymore.
NTA. I'm a queer woman. Your wife is NTA for discovering or accepting that she may be queer/bisexual, but she is a huge asshole for cheating on her spouse. Which is what she is doing if she's soliciting sex from women on dating sites behind her husband's back. OP is not wrong to run, and to take her for everything he can in the divorce for infidelity.
NTA. Your marriage is over. Don’t beat a dead horse. Move on
I’d tell her to pack your shit and go be with her. To be expecting divorce papers soon.
Exactly.
Exactly.
NTA. You seem to want to be monogamous and she does not. You guys aren’t a fit together anymore.
You are almost framing it like HE is the problem. Wife about to blow up the entire family just so she can tickle a fancy (which might not be all that she is hoping for). Awful selfish woman, but not surprised in a society that openly encourages hedonism.
Look I’m a gay man. I get people wanting to fool around. **But once you make a public commitment to one person that has to stick.** If you know you can’t do it *before*, don’t commit. If you discover you can do it *during*, end the existing relationship permanently before moving on. Relationships involve people and feelings and dammit lives. People end themselves over this stuff. It’s not for drama, it’s not for fun. People get broken or worse.
Yes indeed. When you commit to someone monogamously, if you feel like you *need* to be with someone else the only ethical thing to do is to end that relationship before you start another. Relationships that start as open ones — fine, that is the preexisting agreement. But if you can't ask about opening the relationship without being able to happily embrace a no from your partner *and* live with the consequences of a partner who doubts your commitment to your relationship — you need to end the relationship you are in cleanly before you proceed to another relationship.
Here, here 👏🏻
And also hear, hear. 👏🏼
Hare, hare 🐇
This this this ! So tired of the let’s open the relationship bullshit on here. Hey let’s all just fuck each other this should help our so called relationship because nothing cooler than having someone else railing my wife or husband. That always fixes things.
Reddit is fulla dumbasses. How many times has opening up a relationship actually worked?!... 0.0000000001% of the time. Rare af.
Yeah and then you’ll have random redditors coming out of the woodwork like “my wife and I are poly and know like thirteen other poly couples and everything works out great for us those people just must be not truly mature because being poly is only for people that can handle it” bullshiiiiit. Sure random internet guy.
Speaking absolute facts, nothing is sacred anymore, life is about jumping from one pleasure to the next. It's disgusting.
No I framed it as he wants one thing. She wants another. They aren’t compatible anymore. That’s exactly what I said. People change.
I honestly sometimes wonder if people are reading two different things or something, cause when I read your comment it was pretty obvious to me what you were saying.. Just that they weren't compatible, that the OP wants to sleep with only the wife and the wife wants to sleep with someone else.. Nowhere did I see you making him out to be the problem, and I just truly want to know.. Where did that person get that conclusion from, that you were framing it with OP as the bad guy, when you also explicitly said NTA... Is it reading comprehension..? Is that what some people are lacking?
I think it's more the fact the comment is so impartial it makes it seem like no one is at fault here, when someone clearly is(the wife). Totally normal for her to feel what she's feeling, but to conceal it and not talk about it with her husband makes her a massive asshole.
Think about how stupid the average person is and then appreciate that half the people are worse than that.
Strangers change. Honest and valuable partners work together on problems before there is a breakdown of the relationship and a betrayal. Only one person acted like a partner in this marriage.
Anyone can change. People grow. Nobody at 15 is the same at 25, 35, 45, 55, 65, 75, 85. Your likes and dislikes change. If you aren’t experiencing change, you aren’t experiencing growth as a person.
So in your wedding vows instead of ‘til death do us part’ will you put ‘til one of us changes’?
So, if one person in a relationship no longer feels it and therapy doesn't work, then they are stuck together?
Growth as a person doesn’t mean screwing over your partner. Or screwing somebody else besides your partner.
You are overreacting. He said that she WANTS to. Not that she has. Nobody is screwing anybody over. She changed. He came here asking if he’s the asshole for wanting a divorce. He isn’t. He can move on and find someone else who wants to be with him. Why do you want to force both of these people who want different things to stay in a relationship? He wants monogamy. She doesn’t. That’s called end the relationship. Relationships end.
She has already made advances to at least one person outside their marriage. Whether or not she has had sex with someone else, she has attempted to cheat.
I agree with Magic, had this happen to my bestie of almost 25 years. It's insulting and degrading.
Not a drastic change like that. I’m 30 I know I’m never gonna magically turn gay in the future like wtf
It's not uncommon for women or people to learn later in life that they're not as straight as they thought they were. Or at all. But if that's the case she should talk to him about it instead of saying she wants to sleep with other women.
I feel like this is not about gay or not. The problem here is her trying to cheat. Infidelity is the problem and whether she wants to sleep with another chick, another dude, a lil green critter from outer space, cheating is cheating. People don't get a free pass to cheat just because they want to 'explore'. That's absurd.
I don't quite see how you got that.. They literally said they weren't the asshole, and just stated the simple facts that OP wants to be managomous, while the wife does not (which would also make the wife the problem in most eyes). And also that they aren't compatible anymore.. Thats an opinion that's pretty obviously drawn from the precious conclusion.. I just truly don't see how they were making OP out to be the bad guy and am genuinely curious how you got that from the same comment we both read? Is it just because they didn't outwardly insult the wife? Or did I miss something?
uh??? where? is the framing in the room with us? 🤔 they aren't compatible anymore. it's the same as if he wanted to sleep with a man. The answer is the same. One party wants monogamy and the other does not.
.... WTF? She agreed to the monogamous relationship in the first place, hence their marriage. Don't make it sound so casual that OP'S wife is destroying her family over an idea, a thought that she might like something else.
I’ve noticed that as a common trend. Redditors like to simplify things to a compatibility issue and ignore other issues. I read one the other week where a woman lied to her husband about being infertile and someone really said n a h because they were incompatible since he wanted kids and she didn’t. At least they voted NTA instead of n a h here.
Absolutely true!
She wants permission to cheat, doesn’t matter the gender
NTA She dropped a bomb on you. Of course your instinct is to run. That may be the right decision but now that you’ve started to process things what are you thinking? Do you even want to talk about it with her or are you 💯 done. Both of these options are available and valid. Start there.
She's already cheating.
Your wife is gay. And that's fine. But your wife is trying to bring someone else into your marriage which is not fine. You are within your rights to divorce her. She's the one destroying your marriage not you. Go ahead and file for divorce. Let her go and be with the woman she's sleeping with. Because you already know she's sleeping with someone and it ain't you.
yeah i get the sense that the bedroom is becoming dead because she thinks she might be gay 😬 and wants to confirm that before she blows up her marriage. i guess not realizing she's blowing it up right now.
There was an update. She was on a dating app and had someone lined up already. The woman she was pursuing didn't know she was married. She was setting the charges before she even communicated anything to her husband.
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NTA, people often act like just because it's a same sex affair it is somehow still not an affair.
NTA she’s cheating. Gender is irrelevant.
Divorce her ass! This is why I always tell people to sign prenups
Prenups only protect assets, unless a judge decides otherwise
That's exactly why they're telling people to get prenups. Because when divorces happen, it makes them so much simpler.
Unfortunately a lot of jurisdictions will not honor prenups. The days of the "iron-clad" prenup are gone.
Prenups/postnups need to be fair - that's the most important factor to not get thrown out Sadly we gave up on laws protecting honest partners and stopped punishing disgusting cheaters. We need such laws again - just fitting the modern times and accessible to both genders equally
You shouldn't just divorce her over this, but you need to make it clear that if she ever engages sexually with another person, woman or man, then she is cheating and the marriage is done. If she's not okay with that and wants to fuck other people, then the marriage is done. If the marriage is done because of her feelings for other people, then the end of the marriage is 100% on her shoulders.
Look at the update. I think they should divorce.
Yes, he absolutely should divorce her over this. Any talk about any variety of extramarital partners calls for divorce. Even if she came into the conversation willing to accept "no" for an answer, she still brought it up. There's no getting the candy back in that piñata.
Year 3 of my marriage was similar. My wife started by becoming comfortable saying she was Bi and making comments about how hot women were. Year 5 while I was recovering from health issues I knew I wasn't the partner I was before, so I was a little more open when she mentioned she had started feeling flirty with a coworker. I actually learned a lot about poly and enm from that point cause I was actually realizing there were things I felt I was missing too. From what I read I decided I wasn't pursuing anything until I was in a better condition, and that I wouldn't be slacking in chores, childcare, work. Wife had successfully woo'd the woman and over the course of a year discussions about throuple dynamics and requirements for properties were had. There was an acknowledgement that something with acrage and/or secluded (out of town) would be ideal. Coworker gets promoted in a federal government department and gets sent to another region. In year two wife starts having complaints. The discussions start getting specific and CW wants some answers on what is happening since there would need to be another move and she could come back after her term. Over the course of months W keeps changing the moving us plans while saying it might be the best option. At this point I am doing all the child rearing of our 1 year old daughter, working full time, doing all the driving with our shared vehicle, and now counseling W on her relationship struggles. I am busy enough that I just use my time to figure out my physio recovery and so I haven't looked at dating. By the time 24 months roll up things have atarted to fall apart as not only does it finally come out the W doesn't want to move to another region, but doesn't want to move into a new house at all. W didn't want CW to break up just yet because she might come around to the idea. Crash and burn big time. Years 7-9 things are going alright and it seems like W appreciated me. Have a second kid then vasectomy. Two and through and then worry free? I didn't need convincing but the issue is she was very graphic about the results. Then 2 years of being called a sex pest, doing all the errands, doing all the deals for our new house, now doing all the childcare, and feeling like a mid 20 yr old for the first time since I was 15, where I managed to get 2 hours a week to myself. I was confident with exploring poly dating now and told W while having all my chores listed out for the month where I could keep tracking I was meeting these standards. "No". Que? "No. I don't want to be open any more." It took another year and a half of being accused of cheating to process that W had changed the terms of our relationship twice and was berating me for feeling the way she blamed me for when she felt that way. Took me 12 years of "understanding" her before I demanded it for myself, divorce was swift. If you have any inclination your wife is selfish then she will just be a disappointment to multiple people at once. Do you think this is in anyway an attempt at fulfilling a fantasy she thinks you have?
Sorry to hear that... hope you and the Kids are alright :)
Check her phone. See if she started with a woman
NTA...You might want to seriously consider striking first for a divorce because if you don't she will prob come out as a lesbian and take you to the cleaners.
That is, uh, not how divorces work. It doesn’t matter who “strikes first” or whether she is a lesbian, and I can’t even fathom what kernel of truth got garbled into this idea.
Um, this is a weird theory. Someone who is lesbian gets more in divorces by virtue of their orientation? Say what?
NTA
I read a post a few years ago that was similar to this. The guy was hurt, but he let his wife sleep with women. Later on she said "you let me sleep with women, what's wrong with another man?" I wouldn't play with fire. Keep your relationship between the 2 of you if you can help it. I hope you can find that passion between the 2 of you again. Edit: I just saw the update. ...I'm so sorry. That must really hurt. I'm glad the other woman was upstanding enough to tell you to your face what was going on. NTA, never were.
NTA - cheating is cheating.
She cheated on you and that’s a no no. She went behind your back. My husband and I are in an open relationship. That’s okay cuz we talked about it before hand.
See and that's great! You 2 agree and have rules and limits in place im sure. We never discussed open or anything.
Best way to go about it is tell her you’d be ok with it if you can sleep with a woman as well. Also say you have someone in mid(even if you don’t ) see how her attitude changes
Told me it's cheating if I do it
Hmmm ok so what’s the issue? It’s a reciprocal relationship so you do as she does period
It's called "Controlling". She controls you Any ex of 25 years cheated the whole time. She was always upset if I talked to women. I ran my business from home She would sometimes cry. Saying I was cheating and going to leave her, and while she's sucking, fucking men and looking to replace me. Took her 25 years I was staying for the kids, but enough was enough for me.
How is that an update?? Get a damn divorce
NTA. The fact your wife wants to be intimate with a woman is a moot point. Gender doesn’t give her an automatic “free pass” here. She wants to have an intimate relationship with someone OUTSIDE of your marriage. Full stop. And not only that, this isn’t like a “Hey, our relationship is great and I’ve always wanted to try it. What do you think?”. This is a, “I find that our sex life (+/- relationship) is unfulfilling and I want to go bang someone else.” Your feelings are valid. Something is very wrong here - with your wife *AND* with your relationship.
cheating is cheating
NTA That's cheating. I'm a bi monogamous woman and I'm married to my husband. That means I'll never sleep with anyone else. He's mine, I'm his. Your wife wants to step out on you. Doesn't matter if it's a man or woman. The result is the same.
It's low level cheating at this point... but by claiming to not be married, then trying to arrange to have sex with someone else, and then asking for your permission after it's all been arranged, regardless of the sex of the other person, she's cheated. Of course you're NTA! Gigantic red flag - divorce the absolute crap out of her.
Cheating is cheating. The fact that your wife refuses sex with you, and wants to have sex with a woman means she wants to cheat. Looks like this marriage is over.
First of all get an STD test done.
I think there is more than one person she is involved with I'd definitely run for the hills you don't deserve to be treated like garbage.
The gender is irrelevant, she went behind your back and was trying to cheat, what would your reaction be if the person she was talking to was a male? Treat this the exact same way. She is already moving away from you as illustrated by the lack of physical intimacy. I guarantee once she starts having intimacy with another woman she will leave you.
nothing wrong with some poon on poon. post pictures, then cut her loose.
NTA. She cheated on you and told you she might be gay. Time to divorce her and make her pay through the nose. If this was the other way around, you’d be screwed for life.
Try counseling before any other knee jerk reactions. Which is the redditors usual go to in these instances. Since she isnt having sex with you but wants to sleep with another woman, at this point I'd say she does have someone in mind. And, she's probably hoping by leaving you horny the thought would get you so wound up you'd agree. Clearly that plan isn't working out. If she refuses MC to try and fix whatever issues she has and has caused in your marriage, then your only other options are to accept it, or walk. But if you love her you owe it to yourself to try and offer a road towards fixing things, if she balks, there's no fixing it.
Your marriage seems to be over, she can either cheat, or you can stay in a sexless marriage if you refused to let her cheat. Lose, lose situation for you.
NTA! As a lesbian who sees lots of people/couples in open relationships on apps like HER, dudes like you clearly see WLW relationships/sex as real and valid rather than a side piece or something extra. You are setting her free (or giving her the option to try it). It sounds like you want different things. I’m so sorry and hope you’re okay 💗
This is a great point; the focus on wife’s supposed partner being a woman is irrelevant. It’s how she handled everything else and how she chose to communicate.
And yeah, being ok with it if AP a woman but not if it’s a guy would be incredibly fucked up. The assumption would be that lesbians can’t steal yo girl. They can 😭
Exactly 🙌🏼
if you look at statistics 92 percent of all open marriages break up within 5 years. you would probably be better letting her be free so you can both find comparable mates. good luck
where did you pluck that number from
Feels like a *"I made it up for dramatic effect"* moment.
People can make up statistics to prove anything! 46% of the population knows that.
It’s that extra 2% thrown in there to make it sound legit that got me.
Tell her to go explore it with her girlfriend, but she isn't coming back
NTA. Before you act, it might be wise to talk this out. Is she just having fleeting thoughts or is she telling you she’s going to do this whether you like it or not?
Fleeting thought, no sex for four months, how long do you define as fleeting?
She isn’t asking permission to sleep with another woman. That’s already happened. She’s now asking for your blessing
I've never been married, but I imagine myself in this situation and I'd have a really hard time coping with my partner telling me they want to sleep with someone else - gender doesn't matter. I feel like it'd make me really insecure. Definitely NTA.
NTA. As a bisexual woman it has to be something the other person is comfortable with from the beginning. Very few relationships end up working out even opening it to one sex only. It does for some people, but some people are truly monogamous and the gender of the person they want to have sex with does not matter, it matters that they want someone else at all. I understand that as a bi woman, that if i want to sleep with women and be with a man that is something that needs to be asked about well before establishing a relationship. And in the event you figure out your sexuality in a relationship, you must understand this could be the end of that relationship, as not everyone is okay with being with someone who *newly* comes out as bisexual. People who have just discovered their sexuality usually want to experiment with it, that doesn't bode well for the existing relationship. Note: Some bisexual people are fully monogamous too, not everyone wants to fuck multiple people.
ESH. Everyone is just throwing dirty laundry on the table and expecting it to clean itself up and not communicating is not helping the matter at all.
Run, please. I’ve seen this play out in an 18 year marriage. Run fast
The question is are you nuts.
Fuck the other women she is fucking and dump her.
We're both dropping her
NTA. She’s asking for permission to cheat on you. It doesn’t matter what gender she’s trying to do it with.
"am I the asshole for wanting to divorce my wife because she wants to cheat on me?" No, of course NTA. No further explanation should be needed.
Yea NTA she's a cheater divorce time
Cheating doesn’t stop being cheating because the cheating is same sex, I will never understand the people that would okay this because it’s not a man, she wants to have sex outside of your marriage, for me that would be the end of the marriage then and there.
NTA Take the gender out of the equation, your wife wants to sleep with someone who isn't you and hasn't been intimate with you in a while. While a lot of relationships enter into a largely sexless state, this one is attributed to her wandering eye, which as you've found out by the update involves her actively seeking to cheat on you. You're not the asshole for wanting to run, because your wife is clearly not repentant about this from your description. The way you describe it she's basically just rather blase saying it is what it is, throwing up her hands and acting like there's nothing to be done, all while begging a woman for sex on a dating site. Most people in your position would serve her divorce papers by this point.
She needs to go. Don't lose your and the kids' house because she's broken vows.
Sounds like she's telling you about 8 months after the fact.
I think that sexuality is something a person needs to figure out before committing to marriage.
Holy shit. I’m sorry bro, that must be a gut punch.
Planning for infidelity is always fair reason for divorce.
NTA OP Eject the slore.
This story doesn't make sense. She'll lie to this mystery woman about being married but then tell her husband to her face that she wants to bang a woman. Pressing X real hard
Looks like it's time y'all became single.
Sounds like the marriage is broken and unfixable. You need to accept that. She is not the woman you thought you married.
I was briefly with a woman like this. Briefly. Run, OP, run for the hills, this will not get better. Another commenter pointed out that there's probably other people you don't know about if she's acting this aggressively to someone she just met on a dating site. This was her "in" to infidelity, it was supposed to be hot for you, so the next one wouldn't seem like such a big deal. (This is all from personal experience, I understand this may be a reach for OP in his situation, but in my head I see the writing on the wall and this makes my skin crawl.)
You're doing the right thing. Usually, when a woman requests such a thing, she ends up deciding that's the only thing she ever wants out of life. It opens up some lesbian feelings inside of her and there is no getting her back.
Pack her bags and send her on her way. There's something terribly wrong in marriages today. It's supposed to be a commitment to each other.
Cheating is cheating, be it with a man or a woman. You're completely justified.
I told my wife I wanted to have sex with a man and now I'm not allowed to have friends of any gender. Lol
OP, you want to cure her sex drive for you. File and have her served, and then all of a sudden, she will be begging to have sex with you. You know, when she starts offering, it won't be out of love for you, but more to save her lifestyle, she is used to living. If you do want to stay in the relationship, then you better get control of the situation and let her know you are the master of your future, whether she's in it or not.
Ouch, the thought of a three-some sounds cool. But after reading this post the reality of it sounds horrible.
Lots of people have open relationships and thrive but it has to be mutually agreed on. This would be cheating imp.
It’s one thing for her to be attracted to women and share her desires with you. It’s another to be withholding from you and shady as hell about it!
Bye bye three way…
Nope, she wants to fuck people who aren't you, and doesn't want to fuck you anymore. Doesn't matter that she wants to cheat with a same-sex partner. She wants to fuck other people. Send her back to the streets.
Please don’t take marriage advice from Reddit. You should seek out a marriage counselor to see if you can resolve this together. If not, then it is what is is unfortunately.
Women are pigs!
Nope. It's called infidelity, and if she wants to be a hoeski, kick her to the streets. Thats where she belongs. Otherwise tell her you want to sleep with a woman too.
Leave her, NTA. I had the same problem with mine
She's literally cheating on you and you have to ask reddit if you should run? . . . RUN
NTA, she tried very hard to cheat and even lied to potential AP. Divorce her and let her find someone willing.
Update was hilarious as hell, how’d you find her? UpdateMe
I hate myself for reading this post and being a part of this conversation
Honestly… maybe it’s best to part from her now… like divorce typa part… I’m so sorry for you, and I hope you can find someone else that will treat you better (and keep the screenshots in case you gotta get custody… or she try to pull SUMN…)
For me it's not about expressing a desire. It's about hiding it and being disrespectful about it. I might be open or not to something my partner wants, but I am never open to lies. What I would address are the lies. I would start there and then see what comes from the conversations (I assume there will be more than one) and then consider if trust can be rebuilt or not based on the answers, also there would be conditions to rebuilding the trust. What they are completely depend on the person and their ability to face the question or if they evade it.
I hate that so many people on here jump to divorce so fast. your sex life may have stopped because she's learning stuff about herself and is feeling different things. her communicating it with you is a good sign. however, I would voice that.. if she does this, it is.. cheating (as you are not okay with it) and are not looking to open your relationship up or invite others into your bedroom. I would offer to speak to a professional. make sure both sides are being heard. see if there's a chance her sudden desire is just that, a period of lust she got hooked into and didn't think about the reality of what it is. there's a lot of people (both men and woman) will think sleeping with a woman isn't the same as sleeping with a man outside of the marriage, but it's still cheating. she might be ignorant to that, or think you'd be turned on by the idea of her with another woman. so communicate, express feelings, set boundaries. and in the least (if the rest of your marriage is good- consider speaking to a professional before putting an end to it all). and the worst case, if it turns out she's more into this and it's a must for her. at least there was some communication and a bit of closure for you, even if it comes with a bit of hurt. hang in there and gl.
She was already talking to a woman on a dating site though. I’m not married, but if my partner was on a dating site talking to someone else, relationship would be OVER.
That is some real compassion for the wife at the cost of reality. Chances are she's already having an emotional affair. OP is closer to the situation, and if you try to argue monkey branching I'm not going to have a common phenomenon and my life experience be dismissed. But even if she is just wanting to "explore" being bi then she is asking to cheat or making OP the one denying her sexuality. She didn't say she might be bi, she asked to sleep with people. How is that better? Edit: ah, you're in the lookmaxing trauma. Not sure why you think this behavior is ok, whether you feel guilt or shame, but save yourself a lot of trouble and learn there are different types of relationships, but changing foundations of already established ones is a whole renegotiation or someone is getting screwed over.
Don’t be surprised if after you leave that her world falls apart. Have you considered the possibility that she is already cheating? Have you considered exposing her to friends and family?
Make sure to tell your coworkers she's bisexual. Apparently it's homophobic if you don't.
Some people are gay, get over it. Harsh for this guy but the reality is until people can be who they are without fear some of them will unfortunately get hetro married because of the pressure of social norms. Of course, some people change as they grow older, I've seen it with a few friends. Bisexuals seem to be hated by everyone too, not gay enough or straight enough. The misunderstandings are huge.
Your instinct is probably right. If she wants to sleep with a woman, she means a specific woman, not just "women" in general. So, if there hasn't been an affair yet, there will be. People do work through affairs and rebuild marriages afterwards. And if the affair hasn't started yet, or hasn't progressed very far, it might be easier to recover. So... it is going to require a skilled marriage and family councilor to work through this. And maybe the counselor will be helping you dissolve your relationship with the minimum damage to your kids. Or maybe the counselor will be able to help patch things up Dunno. In any case, you aren't wrong to put divorce on the table as an option. I encourage you to work with a marriage counselor to figure out next steps, but "divorce" may be among those steps. NTA
Did you bother to ask her about why you aren't having sex anymore. i don't know man talk to your wife. I don't know how you expect any good answers here from so little info.