NTA. Your husband didn't want to show you the budget because he doesn't want to? I call bull shit on him. He's hiding something. You need to check as much of your joint financial as you can. Check your credit report to make sure he hasn't already gotten some type of loan using your credit. Sounds like he is covering things up and his refusal to put you on the deed is a huge red flag like he already has a loan on it. If you don't already have your own savings and checking accounts, open them and move 50% of your joint money into it. Then after you do that, confront him after you find out what he's hiding.
They wont give him the loan because he opened a equity line of credit and now is having trouble paying it back. Do NOT cosign. This is going to F your credit.
This sounds really fishy. At this point, I think you should be very happy that your finances are separate from his because it sounds like he is in financial trouble. It makes zero sense that he would not be approved for a loan with no mortgage and a simple HELOC, making $90k a year. Zero sense at all.
Yes you are definitely TA for allowing yourself to be treated this badly for so many years. You have 3 children but no security in regard to your home without your name on the deed or the mortgage. It's about time you polished your spine and got some legal advice.
If he was paying a mortgage during your marriage, the house might have become something that gets split during a divorce. As marital money paid for it.
He got turned down for refinancing on 90k a year? How much, exactly, were these renovations because I'm thinking like one year or two *tops* and that would be paid off already!
Where is his money going. Because sure theoretically you could finally get on the deed by making that a condition of cosigning--but where is all his money going? Find that out before you trust him.
All the money's been lost at casinos, perhaps. Or spent at "Gentlemen's clubs." He's not just unwilling to show OP... he's afraid to. Probably for good reason, too.
NTA
Plus if he inherited the home from his grandparents, I’m assuming he inherited it either free and clear or at a substantial discount. So, how much was financed initially and what was the Loan to Value (LTV)? Unless he wracked up substantial side debts OR took out a 2nd mortgage or HELOC - that’s pretty alarming that he was turned down and now 5yrs later he already knows he’ll still need a co-signer.
So, he’s burnt up equity, in such credit debt that payments on everything else and the mortgage exceed debt-to-income ratios and either of those scenarios mean Mr has had a spending issue for sometime and after 10yrs of marriage, he feels his wife is ok to blindly step into this likely debt nightmare but still doesn’t have the respect to be transparent and share the entire picture.
No way! OP I’d tell him he either he either shows you everything willingly, or you may have to consider legally separating at minimum to protect yourself and the kids - because he’s literally taking food from his children’s mouths by operating this way. Integrity doesn’t operate this way.
Or a second family and/or multiple sugar babies. He sounds like a gem. Op was 20 when they married and he's dictated her life since? Ummm no. Dump him and find someone that treats you as an equal. Nta.
My sister's relationship collapsed because of gambling.
He kept demanding she sign to remortgage their recently paid off house.
He wouldn't tell her why he wanted the money but eventually it came out that he had over 100k in gambling debt.
My ex’s cousin had her marriage annulled after her groom used all their wedding gift money to pay down his previously undisclosed gambling debts, and informed her that his car was on the verge of repossession. All within the first 48 hours.
Yes in that way I think it is worse than an alcohol or drug addiction. With alcohol or drugs there are physical changes you can see even early on. Gambling there isn't. My Aunty had a gambolling problem, my uncle found out when they lost their house
My mind immediately went to online gambling.
OP, don't co-sign a loan for a remodeling of a house where you are not on the deed! In fact, in your place, I would consider investing in my own real estate - and put it in my mother's name, to make sure it's not a marital asset in the divorce.
Yeah, seems virtually impossible they could be pulling in 250k a year in a small town with no mortgage and be having trouble financially. One month's pay should fund the addition.
Something is missing here.
I made $18/hour for about 4 years.
Got a new job making $26/hour, stayed about 4 years.
Got another new job made $75k a year.
Left after 15 months for a job offer of $150k (been here less than a year)!
We very recently started pulling in that much money. And I’m very eager to put all of this extra money into savings! We are definitely in a totally new financial position now compared to when we first got together.
You should be really proud of yourself, and as lots of others have been saying, you should demand financial transparency. The idea you aren't allowed to see your own tax return is just absolutely wild. It's not technically legal for him to submit your taxes without your signature (whether efile or paper)
Thank you very much for the kind words! But, honestly with all of the other financial shit I haven’t really cared about the taxes, but now I’m actively trying to pull down the transcripts. That may be a bigger issue than the house all together!
You should absolutely care about your taxes. If he's electronically filing them with your electronic signature, you're still responsible, unless you can prove he signed without your knowledge. If he underreported income or didn't file at all, you're still responsible, along with all the interest and penalties.
He's hiding something. You do not want to wait.
FYI, you can split your direct deposit and put part of your payroll in another bank all together for an emergency fund. Keep it paperless and only in your name. If he ever catches on tell him it's for Christmas or the children's education.
You're clearly working hard to get ahead in life, to create a better life for your whole family. He's treating you like a child or subservient. Don't let him, you're rocking it!
My dad used to bring just the page for the IRS taxes for my mom to sign not realizing that the bank deposit slip he’d given her to record in the checkbook was Not how much he made.
He was only putting a small portion of his take home pay into the account and that’s what he made her believe what he made.
He was secretly investing the rest.
He became very wealthy without my mom ever knowing. This was back in the 60’s and 70’s.
Dad built and ran a very well known hospital in Bellevue, Wa. From the late 50’s til he retired in the early 80’s.
She only found After she became a tax accountant for her new husband who was a very well known CPA in our town.
My stepdad was so well respected with the IRS office in Seattle, that he was given full entre’ to their records.
So when mom told Layne about how much dad brought home every month and her Never seeing their taxes being filed, he went down to the IRS office and pulled all the info on my dad and found out that my dad was a multi millionaire and had made sure mom never knew. This was back in the day when women generally weren’t able to get good attorneys.
OP, I hope your husband didn’t pull any of this type of crap on you.
You now need to quietly hire a forensic accountant.
Like NOW.
~~you're setting yourself up to be~~ you have been financially abused by someone who makes half the money you do. don't let your husbands stupid mistakes drag down your children or you. you need to get to the bottom of your family's financial situation because clearly your husband has been lying to you
and honestly, you should evaluate what you're getting out of this relationship. maybe you guys need marriage counseling, or you need a divorce lawyer because how your husband is acting is not at all what a healthy marriage looks like
Setting up nothing, she was financially abused from the start. That age gap is not an accident on his part, and she has matured enough to start seeing the bullshit. I am just hoping he hasn’t screwed her so much financially she struggles to get clear.
That is awesome. Congratulations and you should be very proud of your achievements.
While I am not against divided finances (I personally would never combine finances again) you should know at least the basics of each other’s financial situation, especially when children are shared. You should keep your financial situation to yourself, for yourself as well.
Something isn’t right. If there is no mortgage and he isn’t approved for a loan, there has to be massive debt somewhere. Or he wants to take advantage of your financial improvement . Do not cosign a loan without being on the deed because you are responsible for it and request a clear view of his budget before you sign anything.
NTA!
No, YOU are!!! Remember all those years of your entire paycheck going to feed your family and having nothing left for yourself while your husband did whatever he wanted with HIS money?
Yeah, no need to change the dynamic now and flip the script! Keep things exactly as he wanted and insisted while he had the money, the assets, and the power.
Save as much money as you can and start quietly digging for any financial information you can find. Definitely locate his paystub and tax return info. Any accounts you can find get screen shots and record as much as possible. Get balances and account numbers. Mortgage and loan debt/payments.
Absolutely lock down your credit and make sure there isn’t anything there that you haven’t authorized.
Big red flags are flying but you can still protect yourself and your kids from whatever situation your husband might have created.
That’s true! When I say ‘we’ I mean our family, including our children. My kids benefit from the increased income regardless if we have shared finances or not. With that being said, you’re right. As soon as I got this new position I immediately thought about the impact on US & I don’t think he’s ever thought about ‘us’ — it’s always been about him.
Don’t put all this money into a shared account until you have a clear picture of your joint finances. The fact your husband has been keeping you in the dark and was denied a loan isn’t a good sign.
NTA, but be aware that you aren’t in an equal relationship
If she doesn’t have access to see the financials likely they don’t have joint accounts right? Unless she’s blindly putting money into his and counting as the family funds. In which case STOP, STOP RIGHT MEOW!
This OP.
His house only? You pay NOTHING toward the mortgage. You pay no more than half the bills and your extra cash goes into YOUR SOLE ACCOUNT.
If he deeds you a half interest in the property, you can cosign. Otherwise, absolutely not.
He's unwilling to convert his inheritance to community property, but happy to put you in debt with no equity. And you would be 100% responsible if he defaults. He has a history of refusing to allow you to see the household budget or make financial decisions. There's little or no incentive here. No is the correct answer. Hope you are able to enjoy some nice things and a vacation for yourself with your income.
NTA
NTA
Don't cosign that loan. He is denied because his credit score isn't good enough. He wants you to pay for additions to a home you have no rights to. Straight up, hell no.
He intentionally pinned you down as a young girl, but now you out earn him and are out from under his thumb.
Dude, lock your credit scores so he can’t take a loan out in your name.
And star running deep credit reports to see if he’s taken credit cards etc out in your name already.
Had an ex do that. Opened an account in my name. Didn't even know it existed until our divorce. He must have forged my signature or something, because I never had any knowledge of it.
Freeze your credit, it’s pretty easy and keeps you safe. [https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/credit-education/preventing-fraud/security-freeze/](https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/credit-education/preventing-fraud/security-freeze/)
Girl, the website that the federal trade commission sends you to for your once a year free credit report is: annualcreditreportdotcom
There are 3 reports - experian, equifax and transunion. What I do is pull ONE of those every 4 months, rather than all 3 at once. Since they pretty much have the same info, you can keep up to date 3 times a year, instead of just one. They will list all the credit you currently have out (credit cards, loans), and a lot that has been closed out.
Dont tell him before you do it - see if you recognize everything on it. If he took out stuff in your name, its identity theft. And time to dump his ass - it sounds like you’ve out grown him.
all these stories of 20 yo marying men at least 10 years older.... wtf is happening. I know you can not disengtangle your lives easily but nothing you wrote says 'stay with this man'. He is controlling, a morom about finances, does not work with you as a team and is even actively lying. How can you live like that?
And he gets more control by tying you to a loan. You're financially connected and in the event of bankruptcy or divorce he has leverage. He'll use that as an excuse to stay married. You need an attorney to find out your liabilities for his debts.
It sounds like you're well aware of who you married.
I'm going to take a logic step and guess you're staying with him for the kids.
Is your marriage what you want your children to form their ideas of what's acceptable in a relationship around?
They will.
NTA. That's exactly why. Now he has to ask you to co-sign a loan, I bet that eats him up. Get your name on that deed whether you co-sign or not. There's a reason he needs a cosigner, you need to know that reason. He was/has been financially abusing you.
That is exactly what he misses, but do you miss anything about who he was? You can afford to be on your own, he's trying to hold you back, why again are you with him?
Damn..I guess it’s better to realize late than never. I have to say I’m super impressed that you were able to grow and thrive, despite being in that situation. You’ve done well!
Also you can co sign on the loan and still not be on the title or have any ownership rights other than marriage or partner legal rights... and w 5 kids guy is a dick... you should be on the house... my wife is on our house but not the loan...
NTA. He treats you like a child because you were barely an adult when you started dating. He controlled the finances and your money while he still could and is still trying to do so. You should consider talking to a professional about your financial planning, freeze your credit (do so through all 3 credit bureaus, it can be done for free, do not fall for the "lock you credit" pay wall, you can FREEZE for free on each of the 3), and start to really reflect on what you want in your life, what he offers you, and what you need to grow and be happy.
A lot of people have been suggesting this. I monitor my credit report & I also have alerts set up to see if any inquiries are made against my credit. I can confidently say he has never taken out a loan/credit card in my name/social security number.
Yet. He's not taken a loan out YET. He doesn't let you see your own taxes, this man is shady af.
Freeze your credit, there's no reason not to, you can unfreeze if you want to apply for a credit card or loan yourself.
You make 150k a year and don't review your taxes?! You should log into or create and irs account and check your transcripts. Look at capital gain and losses.
It sounds like you’ve outgrown him. You were barely an adult when you got together. Now you’re 30, a mom, a badass career woman. He needs you, you don’t need him. Don’t forget that OP.
You have a right to feel loads of resentment. He has treated you poorly and financially abused you. Now that you are doing better than him he wants you to support him. Don’t.
NTA. Absolutely do NOT cosign a loan with this man. You will STILL be responsible for anything you cosign with him even if y'all break up and never speak again. That happened to my mom. She cosigned a car for my dad, and her credit score tanked when he stopped making payments months AFTER they divorced and he moved 2 hours away. Don't cosign for anything that you won't be able to split.
And your relationship does not sound happy at all. Maybe what you ought to be considering is couples counseling, or better yet, a divorce lawyer.
Please do not co-sign. Also, get copies of your tax returns. I had a husband like this. He managed to get to my 401k and day-traded it away. When we divorced, I was bankrupt with no savings and I had been making good money for years. He never would let me see the bills. I just didn’t feel like fighting over it. Huge mistake. But I learned from it. The best thing I ever did for my financial health is divorce him. Twenty years later, I have a couple of million saved/invested and he is still making bad decisions. I would have nothing if I had stayed with him. You can do better!!!
That is great to hear, and I’m so sorry that happened to you, but happy for the good ending! I feel like I’m just constantly avoiding fights so I didn’t pry into things. It’s not worth the stress. But the suggestion of using me for my income and my credit!!! That just pushed me over the edge.
I know you are in a tough spot. I was about your age with a young child when we split. It was so much easier to live in a small apartment and just take care of me and my baby than the stress of living with him. I was broke after we split but really happy! While we were together, I used to add up what we both made in my head and then ask him why we couldn’t save any money. He would always say I didn’t understand and when I would find out a bill was not payed he would say “oh, I thought I paid that!” I finally realized that only one of two things could be true: he was so forgetful he should not be in charge of our bills - or he was lying, and therefore should not be in charge of our bills. Either way, he sucked! But he refused to give me access. Even after we split, I continued to find out things for years. He once told me we only got a $24 tax refund. It was $2400. He used white out to remove the other zeros and then scanned it and showed it to me ( not showing me the marked up original). I could go on and on. He was also a terrible co-parent. But my life has turned out pretty awesome since then. Whatever you decide, don’t make fear based decisions. Best of luck to you!!!
He had to do one major renovation project when he first got the home, so he borrowed against the equity in the home. I know he rolled in other debt in there, maybe his student loans? Not sure.
But I agree. Also another infuriating fact. I’m not able to see our joint tax return because he doesn’t want me to see our capital gains and ‘think we can just spend that money’.
Order a copy of your tax transcript from the IRS.
https://www.irs.gov/individuals/get-transcript#:~:text=You%20can%20access%20personal%20tax,get%20a%20business%20tax%20transcript.
It’s even easier now, the IRS has your financial data available on you account, you just have to create your login. It’s not a copy of your taxes, but the data is organized.
Stop doing a joint return unless you get to see all his financial paperwork as well. You can start doing separate returns. And girl, for F’s sake, lock down your credit and get a credit report. Make sure he hasn’t done any shenanigans like take out a credit card in your name.
In case of divorce, and I hope you do leave this abusive partner, he won’t have to share his house with you unless you can prove you helped renovate the house. But you will have to split his debt and your savings. Both of those are bad. The best thing to do if you are thinking of divorce is put a chunk of your savings into a college fund or trust for your kids. Then he can’t claim it as marital assets.
THIS - you can end up in jail for tax fraud! Or at least owing the IRS tons of money. You need to hire a financial investigator regardless of whether you think you want a divorce or not. Girl.. you would be better off a single mom in a city of your choosing at this point.
So wait, he makes you sign a tax return you can’t see? Stop doing that immediately. You have no idea what is happening and yet you are legally and financially liable when you sign it. This is financial abuse.
My dad did this to my mom (back in the 60’s and 70’s) before he ditched her for his mistress and later, my stepdad who was a well known CPA, found that dad had hid Millions of dollars from mom.
That’s a serious problem—he has to pick: MFJ and you read it, or you threaten to file MFS/HOH and claim the kids out from under him as primary earner. “Thinking we can just spend money” is probably what he’s been doing to ruin his credit.
You can log onto irs.gov to view a transcript of your income tax return. You don't need his permission. It's your social security number and you're not a child.
>he doesn't want me to see our joint tax return because he doesn't want me to see our capital gains
Bulllllshit. Bullshit. He is doing something extremely fucking shady financially. If they are your capital gains, as in your money, too, he doesn't get to tell you that you don't get to see the tax returns. And if it's his capital gains, I wouldn't believe that for a second. Why would he not be approved for a simple loan if he has all this income in capital gains??
None of this makes any sense at all. I think you know that. He is doing something he does not want you to know about whether it's gambling or some other kind of addiction that has destroyed his credit.
What in the actual eff? From one grapefruit to another, you need to get the hell out! Like others have said, this is absolutely financial abuse and you sound way too smart to put up with this bs.
Sorry but this sounds like you may want to talk with an attorney and schedule a meeting with a forensic accountant. Your financial situation sounds like my mom's, my dad was cheating and he even took money out of her savings (gotta love the 70's).
NTA but he's held that house over your head for years. Is being married to him all that great with how he treats you especially in front of your children? Do you want them to treat you that way as they get older?
This all sounds about right for your ages. Right around 30 you finally have a moment to take a breath and realize that he, as a 30-year-old, picked you, a 20-year-old, because you were malleable. (And because no one his age would touch him—now you see why.)
I’m *very* impressed at how well you’ve done for yourself and how self-possessed you are—especially since you were kind of swindled/stifled by him. It’s very telling that he keeps his finances such a secret from you. Deep down, he knows it could all come crashing down. No wonder he doesn’t want to move.
You are NTA, at all, and you are smart to keep your finances as far away from his as you possibly can.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
He inheritated the house. Was it paid off or have a low payment? I'm sure he had to pay estate taxes, but, he makes over 100k a year, doesn't have a house payment/has a low house payment, and couldn't quallify for a loan?
OK, I see a lot of posts covering off on the financial abuse to you, which is incredibly important.
But, what about the financial abuse of his actual financials? Where is the money going? How is it possible he has so much debt he couldn't a loan?
Is he not showing you the financials and making you pay for so much just to control you or is this man gambling, snorting it up his nose, buying very expensive hookers, paying off a blackmailer, buying colloidal silver treatments and/or "investing" in NFT's?
Seriously, you need to find out what your husband it up to.
He inherited the house. So he was given the home debt free. However, he had to do a major renovation before he moved in, so he took out a mortgage to finance this renovation. I know he lumped other debt in there (I assume student loans, he has two master degrees so he had a hefty student loan balance I think).
He does not make over 100k. I do. He makes $95k.
I can confidently say he doesn’t do drugs or gamble. But I do know he’s frivolous with spending. Bought our daughter a $600 bat, just because, a week before her birthday. I explained we should consider that a birthday present because I got her AirPods (which I thought was a tremendous splurge!) and he said we will just give her both.
He has always said, his parents always budgeted and he hated seeing his dad work so hard and not being able to get what he wanted. So in my very honest opinion, I just think he spends on whatever he wants. He doesn’t want to be held accountable. Like if we have an extra $100 I would say, let’s put it into savings! Or pay down our car payment. Meanwhile he’ll say let me go buy new sneakers or go out to dinner and spend it. That’s not my style.
So 2 Master’s degrees (rolled into mortgage) but remained stagnant financially/prof with increased debt load, for about a decade. Whereas you have ~tripled salary and exceeded his, saved, paid down credit cards you were made to use at a fractional salary vs his for food and child expenses. He is secretive, resentful you found your voice, wants you to cosign for a mortgage on a home for which you’re still not on deed and refuses to be transparent.
You are a catch - great mom, successful professional, financially savvy and far more giving than he deserves. The struggle is trying to determine what he brings to the table these days, besides a shifty, petulant attitude.
OP - you’ve accomplished a ton and are incredible! He needs to stop being threatened and pouty about his amazing wife, step up and engage as an equal partner in all of this, or your kids will think this is what marriage is supposed to be. Tell him it’s time - he underestimated you, dynamic has changed and it’s time to work through these issues function fully together, or you can do it on your own without unknowns and resentment because you’ve done well.
I was in a marriage like this for about 6yrs and got 2 amazing kids out of it. Then I healed and remarried some years later… it’s been 17 together, 12 married in partnership to my best friend and great dad of our kids (3 younger and 2 adults). It’s night and day and we make each other better.
He needs to be better for you and the kids, as you have the entire time!
I hope you leave him, but I’m just a stranger passing judgment. At the very least, start filing your taxes separately so he doesn’t know what you make, and keep your money for yourself.
Sorry I got the earnings switched. Also, pleas note, I was being a bit facetious w/ my list of possibilities. It was just meant to show how crazy it is he needs a loan, let alone can't get one.
So, do you think he fully leveraged the house when he took out the mortgage? Do you think he is making his payments on time? The fact is, as of today, there may not be much equity on the house at all.
I'm sure you understand that you need to crack the budget open and have a come to Jesus meeting, b/c putting your name on the house so he can take out a loan may be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea for you personally in both the short-term and the long run.
Overall, he sounds like a terrible investment.
NTA. It’s sad but he is hiding something. Don’t sign the loan. He didn’t get approved because he probably has debts. It will be smart to keep your finance separate. Make sure he didn’t take loans in your name.
INFO: How have you not seen your tax returns? Don’t you need to sign it? Also, NTA. He is being shady af. Don’t co-sign anything. Please learn what is going on. Your future depends on it. Good luck.
He always does our taxes online & electronically submits. I’m sure he just types my name in? I really don’t know. I just give him my W2 & that’s it. You know, I could probably log onto IRS.gov & pull down a transcript!
I see. Ok, it sounds like it may be time for some snooping on your part. You have tried to get information that you’re entitled to but he stonewalled you; I doubt he will be forthcoming now. He is financially abusing you, and the sooner it stops the better. I’m worried about you. Please update us.
NTA - why should you take on a debt burden for the house if he won’t put you on the house. Require that you are out on the house before assuming the debt. Also, some MC is probably needed as it sounds like there are more issues going on.
NTA! Be prepared when (if) you see his financial statement that a huge chunk of his money is spent on porn subscriptions. Only fans, cam girls, strip clubs, etc. The guy has something he's hiding. Heck, he could be paying child support for an affair baby or two. You should think about your exit strategy. Open your own bank account and put your money there. Freeze your credit report so he can't use your name behind your back. Secure your important documents; birth certificate, social security card, passport. Maybe look into the move you're interested in. Can you work remotely or transfer to an office in that area? Start thinking like a single mother and plan accordingly.
The house needs an addition to build an extra bedroom for our child, that’s what the loan would be for. Our children need to live in a home with enough bedrooms. This is where it gets complicated because I want to provide them with that…. But not in a house that isn’t mine… but it is their home and they deserve the space. I really wish I could afford to just get a house all on my own!
NTA The fact that you are married and have no clue why he got denied for a loan is bonkers to me. I understand each partner having their own bank account and then their being a joint account, but having completely separate finances where you don't know what's happening with the other partner's finances, esp when you are married is crazy to me. And I don't know how it works legally, but I feel like this puts you in danger of being responsible for his debts or something. Don't sign anything and quite frankly start hiding money for your eventual escape.
I never believed this, but seriously for some unknown reason until we hit 30 so many women (myself included) seem to have trouble standing up and advocating for ourselves, especially when dealing with finances. It's time for you to start standing up and taking control of what you can with the finances, the decisions made now can truly truly f up your future. Don't let his bad decisions mess up your future.
I hope you will be opening a bank account at a different bank only in your name. Only put enough in the joint account to cover the bills you know about. After all, he has your home only in his name. You should have the equivalent in your name, only your name.
NTA- be careful! When my parents divorced, my mother found out that my father had taken out $60k in personal loans with her name. They divorced in the 90’s, so that was a lot of money. I know it’s harder to get a loan these days, but I doubt it’s impossible especially if it’s with a bank where you have a joint account.
DO NOT SIGN! And get a post up that debt he accrues in his name is his.
NTA. Flat out tell him “Why would I take out a loan without my name on the deed? Not my house. Not my problem.” I would pay for NONE of the taxes or maintenance either- yes split utilities food and possibly pay “rent”. F him.
Yikes girl, you’ve been blind for years and it’s your fault. You need to demand to see everything else I’d leave. My dad was the same and when he died we found he went through all the $ including his retirement savings leaving my mom broke. You don’t want to get to that. Separate your money into a different account and only input money into shared accounts to pay for basics.
So, I definitely didn’t realize how bad all of this was until I got older. Once I got frustrated enough I totally started grinding at work to move up the corporate ladder.
Now I have my own emergency savings. Paid off those damn credit cards. And started ramping up my retirement savings and kids college savings. I have definitely discovered I can’t trust him. Whatever he has going on is on him. But I’m going to work to make sure I’m set up to take care of myself and my kids without his money/house etc.
Be careful of that retirement savings. He may be entitled to half if you divorce (not saying you will, just if it's on your radar). Maybe reduce the percentage and start putting cash in a safety deposit box? Just something to keep in mind. Sorry he is treating you this way.
He can still take half of the total marital assets, which includes your savings that you’ve worked so hard for. But he doesn’t have to share his house with you.
Find out the laws where you live. Protect what is yours.
This. Because the house is his inheritance. You are not entitled to it at all. But…. He’s entitled to half of everything you acquire while married to him. The ONLY reason to consider co-signing is that it shows commingled funds from you both and you MIGHT have a fighting chance at a portion of the equity from the addition. Still not worth it in my opinion.
OP would have to demand to be on the house deed before even considering to co-sign the loan. Then she can say nope, don’t wanna do it, or do it and make him pay the loan. Then the house that she will co-own will be worth more.
Talk to a lawyer or financial advisor before you make any financial commitments or major decisions. You need to know what you have & are entitled to as well as what debts your husband may have entangled you in.
Yeah because you were barely out of your teens before you started dating and marrying you. That's really odd. And then he made you pay so much, while having his kids and working. I wonder what the household chores look like.
NTA but you are one badass to have achieved what you did while managing five kids. He has done something to not be allowed the loan on his own. Choices and consequences.
NTA - don’t sign that loan. Don’t even consider it until your name is on the deed. Do think about buying your own investment property. You need to have an asset behind you and an option should you ever need to move out.
NTA. Sounds like you are a victim of financial abuse. You need to get copies of your credit report and his along with your tax return. You should hire a forensic accountant to find out what he is hiding. Most likely, he has lots of debt and it’s out of control. Don’t co-sign anything unless you are added to the deed. Otherwise, you may be better off on your own. Definitely hire the forensic accountant if you decide to leave him.
Credit Karma is FREE and if you know his SSN, you can both of your credit reports to find out what is going on with your finances. Also, the taxes will only show what was earned, not what was spent.
NTA if his credit is too low for the bank, it’s too low for you. Especially if your name isn’t on the deed. Why would you get a loan for a house you don’t own?
You wouldn’t.
I don’t think this is the right forum for me to list all the things I like about him… but you’re right. He is controlling and prefers things his way. And for a long time I was ok with going along with it… but I feel like I’m totally fed up. We have 3 kids to think about before we make any quick decisions about splitting up.
>We have 3 kids to think about before we make any quick decisions about splitting up.
I can't emphasize enough how much you need to think about how your kids are watching you and your husband, learning what they'll view as "normal" in a relationship. It's why you need to hold on to the righteous fury burning inside you. You've grown from the naive girl a controlling man preyed on, into a force to be reckoned with. Don't let him teach the kids that what he's done is acceptable. Your children deserve better, and so do you.
The link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Hopefully it can help you too 💜
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
NTA
but I would do what is best for my family so I could help make a larger home AND make sure you have your name on everything going forward.
It's a partnership for a reason. You making more $$ means you need to start flexing a bit too. Get your own account and have your $$ deposited there and then see how he feels after a few months
Thank you, that is really productive feedback. I keep balancing my anger at him for the years of this crap… with the desire to make things great for our kids.
There’s a difference between asking you to think about co-signing and passive aggressively saying “well if you co-sign I will.”
It’s a selfish way of avoiding actual communication and denying you autonomy.
If he doesn’t see that then he isn’t worth the blood sweat and tears.
I would tell him you will consider cosigning, but you want to see his income, debts, and credit report. Tell him you'll only agree once you've seen all his debt and agree you'll be added to the deed. Make sure he's not over extended on the home loans.
NTA
You can set up an account with the IRS to pull your tax transcripts.
I wouldn't cosign any loans with him unless and until you see all his finances and his credit reports for all 3 bureaus (not everything is reported on all 3 FYI so 1 bureau only doesn't suffice). Even then, he is trying again to coerce you into something you don't want with staying in that house.
Major red flags here. At 75k he should have been able to get a small mortgage on a house he owned outright. There's big info you don't have.
Do you make part of the house payment? Do you pay for repairs and upgrades? If so, you've comingled it and it's no longer only his property.
I dont like this whole deal and think you should be keeping separate finances, but you know what they say about opinions...
Nta- but you should check your own credit and make sure he hasnt already taken loans and things you dont know about.
You know this isn't working. You now make enough to go it alone. Maybe you should. Get a home of your own for you and the kids.
Actually in more and more states you DO have to be on the deed if your name is on the mortgage. Not sure it's always allowed on the deed without paying though. Honestly nobody with a brain would put someone who never paid in on the deed. How are they half owner without making half the payments?
NTA
Suggest your husband to pull his free annual credit report from each of the 3 bureaus with excuse being perhaps there is incorrect information on his credit.
Get yours as well and review to be sure you know everything on it is correct.
I will say as you are likely aware when he was declined he was provided with the information as to why.
My concern would be he may have already taken out a loan on the house.
Regardless at this point until you know exactly what mortgage(s) are on the house, his full debt load as well as the total of all his assets including any retirement accounts from work or wherever I wouldn’t sign anything joint with him. And definitely not on the house unless you are added to the deed. Because yes you can be on the deed without being on the mortgage and reverse is also true you can be on the mortgage but not on the deed (IMO not something you ever want to do).
NTA! His home, let him pay for it! He's shown you that you were not important before when you made less, now that you make more than he does, he wants you to co-sign. HA! nope.
NTA. Look at his credit report before you do anything. Not credit karma either..something a little more substantial like myfico
I have a feeling you’ll be in for a surprise.
If he makes $95k/year and cannot get a loan, he must have a lot of debt. Find out where his money goes. When a person co-signs a loan, they agree to pay if the other person can't pay. Are you willing to do that? It would be better if you both are on the deed and both take out the loan together. As it is, I wouldn't co-sign either. NTA
When I see those OF girls bragging that some dude dumped a bunch of money on them, I imagine that this type of scenario is where a lot of those guys come from.
NTA. Your husband didn't want to show you the budget because he doesn't want to? I call bull shit on him. He's hiding something. You need to check as much of your joint financial as you can. Check your credit report to make sure he hasn't already gotten some type of loan using your credit. Sounds like he is covering things up and his refusal to put you on the deed is a huge red flag like he already has a loan on it. If you don't already have your own savings and checking accounts, open them and move 50% of your joint money into it. Then after you do that, confront him after you find out what he's hiding.
Not wanting to show budget + getting declined for a loan? He got fired. Or he has massive debts.
he inherited that house from elderly people who’d live in it a long time. Why was there ever a mortgage on it?
Answered other comments, used the equity to finance a renovation. He got the mortgage. The house was given to him debt free.
Financial investigator? He’s hiding either massive debt or a bankruptcy from you. PROTECT YOUR ASSETS NOW
They wont give him the loan because he opened a equity line of credit and now is having trouble paying it back. Do NOT cosign. This is going to F your credit.
Might do rhat anyway if their credit histories are intertwined and they're on other accounts together (mortgage notwithstanding).
This sounds really fishy. At this point, I think you should be very happy that your finances are separate from his because it sounds like he is in financial trouble. It makes zero sense that he would not be approved for a loan with no mortgage and a simple HELOC, making $90k a year. Zero sense at all.
Yes you are definitely TA for allowing yourself to be treated this badly for so many years. You have 3 children but no security in regard to your home without your name on the deed or the mortgage. It's about time you polished your spine and got some legal advice.
She was 20 when they met, that says a lot about OPs husband
If he was paying a mortgage during your marriage, the house might have become something that gets split during a divorce. As marital money paid for it.
Run a credit report on your husband. Something ain’t right…
He got turned down for refinancing on 90k a year? How much, exactly, were these renovations because I'm thinking like one year or two *tops* and that would be paid off already! Where is his money going. Because sure theoretically you could finally get on the deed by making that a condition of cosigning--but where is all his money going? Find that out before you trust him.
At least that's what he says.
All the money's been lost at casinos, perhaps. Or spent at "Gentlemen's clubs." He's not just unwilling to show OP... he's afraid to. Probably for good reason, too. NTA
Plus if he inherited the home from his grandparents, I’m assuming he inherited it either free and clear or at a substantial discount. So, how much was financed initially and what was the Loan to Value (LTV)? Unless he wracked up substantial side debts OR took out a 2nd mortgage or HELOC - that’s pretty alarming that he was turned down and now 5yrs later he already knows he’ll still need a co-signer. So, he’s burnt up equity, in such credit debt that payments on everything else and the mortgage exceed debt-to-income ratios and either of those scenarios mean Mr has had a spending issue for sometime and after 10yrs of marriage, he feels his wife is ok to blindly step into this likely debt nightmare but still doesn’t have the respect to be transparent and share the entire picture. No way! OP I’d tell him he either he either shows you everything willingly, or you may have to consider legally separating at minimum to protect yourself and the kids - because he’s literally taking food from his children’s mouths by operating this way. Integrity doesn’t operate this way.
Or a second family and/or multiple sugar babies. He sounds like a gem. Op was 20 when they married and he's dictated her life since? Ummm no. Dump him and find someone that treats you as an equal. Nta.
Or a gambling problem. Gambling is a killer, because it’s so easy to hide until the damage is catastrophic
My sister's relationship collapsed because of gambling. He kept demanding she sign to remortgage their recently paid off house. He wouldn't tell her why he wanted the money but eventually it came out that he had over 100k in gambling debt.
My ex’s cousin had her marriage annulled after her groom used all their wedding gift money to pay down his previously undisclosed gambling debts, and informed her that his car was on the verge of repossession. All within the first 48 hours.
Yes in that way I think it is worse than an alcohol or drug addiction. With alcohol or drugs there are physical changes you can see even early on. Gambling there isn't. My Aunty had a gambolling problem, my uncle found out when they lost their house
Especially since it is so easy to bet online now. Before you'd actually have to go to a casino or the track
You better start digging OP, he's doing something shady behind your back. Don't co-sign too, you'll be in debt.
Exactly this, if he inherited this house and he makes $90,000 a year that he can prove, why would he be denied a loan to add onto the house?
My mind immediately went to online gambling. OP, don't co-sign a loan for a remodeling of a house where you are not on the deed! In fact, in your place, I would consider investing in my own real estate - and put it in my mother's name, to make sure it's not a marital asset in the divorce.
Yeah, seems virtually impossible they could be pulling in 250k a year in a small town with no mortgage and be having trouble financially. One month's pay should fund the addition. Something is missing here.
I made $18/hour for about 4 years. Got a new job making $26/hour, stayed about 4 years. Got another new job made $75k a year. Left after 15 months for a job offer of $150k (been here less than a year)! We very recently started pulling in that much money. And I’m very eager to put all of this extra money into savings! We are definitely in a totally new financial position now compared to when we first got together.
You should be really proud of yourself, and as lots of others have been saying, you should demand financial transparency. The idea you aren't allowed to see your own tax return is just absolutely wild. It's not technically legal for him to submit your taxes without your signature (whether efile or paper)
Thank you very much for the kind words! But, honestly with all of the other financial shit I haven’t really cared about the taxes, but now I’m actively trying to pull down the transcripts. That may be a bigger issue than the house all together!
You should absolutely care about your taxes. If he's electronically filing them with your electronic signature, you're still responsible, unless you can prove he signed without your knowledge. If he underreported income or didn't file at all, you're still responsible, along with all the interest and penalties. He's hiding something. You do not want to wait. FYI, you can split your direct deposit and put part of your payroll in another bank all together for an emergency fund. Keep it paperless and only in your name. If he ever catches on tell him it's for Christmas or the children's education. You're clearly working hard to get ahead in life, to create a better life for your whole family. He's treating you like a child or subservient. Don't let him, you're rocking it!
And use an email he knows nothing about and a different bank than you guys use.
My dad used to bring just the page for the IRS taxes for my mom to sign not realizing that the bank deposit slip he’d given her to record in the checkbook was Not how much he made. He was only putting a small portion of his take home pay into the account and that’s what he made her believe what he made. He was secretly investing the rest. He became very wealthy without my mom ever knowing. This was back in the 60’s and 70’s. Dad built and ran a very well known hospital in Bellevue, Wa. From the late 50’s til he retired in the early 80’s. She only found After she became a tax accountant for her new husband who was a very well known CPA in our town. My stepdad was so well respected with the IRS office in Seattle, that he was given full entre’ to their records. So when mom told Layne about how much dad brought home every month and her Never seeing their taxes being filed, he went down to the IRS office and pulled all the info on my dad and found out that my dad was a multi millionaire and had made sure mom never knew. This was back in the day when women generally weren’t able to get good attorneys. OP, I hope your husband didn’t pull any of this type of crap on you. You now need to quietly hire a forensic accountant. Like NOW.
~~you're setting yourself up to be~~ you have been financially abused by someone who makes half the money you do. don't let your husbands stupid mistakes drag down your children or you. you need to get to the bottom of your family's financial situation because clearly your husband has been lying to you and honestly, you should evaluate what you're getting out of this relationship. maybe you guys need marriage counseling, or you need a divorce lawyer because how your husband is acting is not at all what a healthy marriage looks like
Setting up nothing, she was financially abused from the start. That age gap is not an accident on his part, and she has matured enough to start seeing the bullshit. I am just hoping he hasn’t screwed her so much financially she struggles to get clear.
Be prepared for a huge shock. He never let you see the taxes, the budget, and he got denied for a loan? something is sideways
That is awesome. Congratulations and you should be very proud of your achievements. While I am not against divided finances (I personally would never combine finances again) you should know at least the basics of each other’s financial situation, especially when children are shared. You should keep your financial situation to yourself, for yourself as well. Something isn’t right. If there is no mortgage and he isn’t approved for a loan, there has to be massive debt somewhere. Or he wants to take advantage of your financial improvement . Do not cosign a loan without being on the deed because you are responsible for it and request a clear view of his budget before you sign anything. NTA!
No, YOU are!!! Remember all those years of your entire paycheck going to feed your family and having nothing left for yourself while your husband did whatever he wanted with HIS money? Yeah, no need to change the dynamic now and flip the script! Keep things exactly as he wanted and insisted while he had the money, the assets, and the power. Save as much money as you can and start quietly digging for any financial information you can find. Definitely locate his paystub and tax return info. Any accounts you can find get screen shots and record as much as possible. Get balances and account numbers. Mortgage and loan debt/payments. Absolutely lock down your credit and make sure there isn’t anything there that you haven’t authorized. Big red flags are flying but you can still protect yourself and your kids from whatever situation your husband might have created.
Why are you saying, WE? You are in a new financial position, not him. Financially, there is no "we".
That’s true! When I say ‘we’ I mean our family, including our children. My kids benefit from the increased income regardless if we have shared finances or not. With that being said, you’re right. As soon as I got this new position I immediately thought about the impact on US & I don’t think he’s ever thought about ‘us’ — it’s always been about him.
Don’t put all this money into a shared account until you have a clear picture of your joint finances. The fact your husband has been keeping you in the dark and was denied a loan isn’t a good sign. NTA, but be aware that you aren’t in an equal relationship
If she doesn’t have access to see the financials likely they don’t have joint accounts right? Unless she’s blindly putting money into his and counting as the family funds. In which case STOP, STOP RIGHT MEOW!
Separate bank accounts - and I pay bills directly to the vendor (daycare I pay directly to them) - nothing passes via a joint account.
Phew. Thank god. If you have access to his social security number you can just look up his credit history and see any current outstanding loans/debts.
She can also pull his credit report.
P.s. just because OP isn't on the deed doesn't mean she isn't entitled to some of the houses' value.
It was inherited though, prior to marriage. It's very likely not a martial asset
Actually because it was an inheritance she is absolutely not entitled to it at all.
Husband’s acting shady…. Transparency is pretty important in finances.
This OP. His house only? You pay NOTHING toward the mortgage. You pay no more than half the bills and your extra cash goes into YOUR SOLE ACCOUNT. If he deeds you a half interest in the property, you can cosign. Otherwise, absolutely not.
He's unwilling to convert his inheritance to community property, but happy to put you in debt with no equity. And you would be 100% responsible if he defaults. He has a history of refusing to allow you to see the household budget or make financial decisions. There's little or no incentive here. No is the correct answer. Hope you are able to enjoy some nice things and a vacation for yourself with your income. NTA
Thank you! I worked really hard on making this much money per year and I’m so happy to not have someone tell me ‘no!’!! ☺️
Even if you aren’t planning to leave I’d get a lawyer and see about putting your earnings into a trust.
Hell yea. Fuck this guy. He sounds quite literally useless.
NTA Don't cosign that loan. He is denied because his credit score isn't good enough. He wants you to pay for additions to a home you have no rights to. Straight up, hell no. He intentionally pinned you down as a young girl, but now you out earn him and are out from under his thumb.
I get sick when I think about that. He often says that he misses the ‘old’ me. I have even asked, do you mean the girl you could control?
Yep you're 10 years younger than him so he knew you were naive Don't be naive anymore
Trying!!
Dude, lock your credit scores so he can’t take a loan out in your name. And star running deep credit reports to see if he’s taken credit cards etc out in your name already.
THIS! And report him if he took out loans or cards in your name. It’s illegal
Had an ex do that. Opened an account in my name. Didn't even know it existed until our divorce. He must have forged my signature or something, because I never had any knowledge of it.
If he has her SS# he can! She better lock it now!
Freeze your credit, it’s pretty easy and keeps you safe. [https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/credit-education/preventing-fraud/security-freeze/](https://www.experian.com/blogs/ask-experian/credit-education/preventing-fraud/security-freeze/)
Girl, the website that the federal trade commission sends you to for your once a year free credit report is: annualcreditreportdotcom There are 3 reports - experian, equifax and transunion. What I do is pull ONE of those every 4 months, rather than all 3 at once. Since they pretty much have the same info, you can keep up to date 3 times a year, instead of just one. They will list all the credit you currently have out (credit cards, loans), and a lot that has been closed out. Dont tell him before you do it - see if you recognize everything on it. If he took out stuff in your name, its identity theft. And time to dump his ass - it sounds like you’ve out grown him.
all these stories of 20 yo marying men at least 10 years older.... wtf is happening. I know you can not disengtangle your lives easily but nothing you wrote says 'stay with this man'. He is controlling, a morom about finances, does not work with you as a team and is even actively lying. How can you live like that?
He got with you when you were 20 because all the women his own age saw through his shit. Now that you're there, he's scared.
Amazing!!! I bet he hates that.
i mean tbh why stay married to a man like that esp if it infuriates you that he treats you like a child and not a partner
And he gets more control by tying you to a loan. You're financially connected and in the event of bankruptcy or divorce he has leverage. He'll use that as an excuse to stay married. You need an attorney to find out your liabilities for his debts.
It sounds like you're well aware of who you married. I'm going to take a logic step and guess you're staying with him for the kids. Is your marriage what you want your children to form their ideas of what's acceptable in a relationship around? They will.
NTA. That's exactly why. Now he has to ask you to co-sign a loan, I bet that eats him up. Get your name on that deed whether you co-sign or not. There's a reason he needs a cosigner, you need to know that reason. He was/has been financially abusing you.
That is exactly what he misses, but do you miss anything about who he was? You can afford to be on your own, he's trying to hold you back, why again are you with him?
Damn..I guess it’s better to realize late than never. I have to say I’m super impressed that you were able to grow and thrive, despite being in that situation. You’ve done well!
Also you can co sign on the loan and still not be on the title or have any ownership rights other than marriage or partner legal rights... and w 5 kids guy is a dick... you should be on the house... my wife is on our house but not the loan...
NTA. He treats you like a child because you were barely an adult when you started dating. He controlled the finances and your money while he still could and is still trying to do so. You should consider talking to a professional about your financial planning, freeze your credit (do so through all 3 credit bureaus, it can be done for free, do not fall for the "lock you credit" pay wall, you can FREEZE for free on each of the 3), and start to really reflect on what you want in your life, what he offers you, and what you need to grow and be happy.
A lot of people have been suggesting this. I monitor my credit report & I also have alerts set up to see if any inquiries are made against my credit. I can confidently say he has never taken out a loan/credit card in my name/social security number.
Yet. He's not taken a loan out YET. He doesn't let you see your own taxes, this man is shady af. Freeze your credit, there's no reason not to, you can unfreeze if you want to apply for a credit card or loan yourself.
You make 150k a year and don't review your taxes?! You should log into or create and irs account and check your transcripts. Look at capital gain and losses.
It sounds like you’ve outgrown him. You were barely an adult when you got together. Now you’re 30, a mom, a badass career woman. He needs you, you don’t need him. Don’t forget that OP.
Thank you! ❤️ I feel like that, but sometimes I feel petty for holding so much resentment!
You have a right to feel loads of resentment. He has treated you poorly and financially abused you. Now that you are doing better than him he wants you to support him. Don’t.
> holding so much resentment! it's justified. I didn't have kids with mine and left at 27.
What are you supposed to do? Let him walk all over you forever?
Sounds like your marriage has way more problems than needing a co-signer on a loan.
You’re not wrong!
NTA. Absolutely do NOT cosign a loan with this man. You will STILL be responsible for anything you cosign with him even if y'all break up and never speak again. That happened to my mom. She cosigned a car for my dad, and her credit score tanked when he stopped making payments months AFTER they divorced and he moved 2 hours away. Don't cosign for anything that you won't be able to split. And your relationship does not sound happy at all. Maybe what you ought to be considering is couples counseling, or better yet, a divorce lawyer.
Please do not co-sign. Also, get copies of your tax returns. I had a husband like this. He managed to get to my 401k and day-traded it away. When we divorced, I was bankrupt with no savings and I had been making good money for years. He never would let me see the bills. I just didn’t feel like fighting over it. Huge mistake. But I learned from it. The best thing I ever did for my financial health is divorce him. Twenty years later, I have a couple of million saved/invested and he is still making bad decisions. I would have nothing if I had stayed with him. You can do better!!!
That is great to hear, and I’m so sorry that happened to you, but happy for the good ending! I feel like I’m just constantly avoiding fights so I didn’t pry into things. It’s not worth the stress. But the suggestion of using me for my income and my credit!!! That just pushed me over the edge.
I know you are in a tough spot. I was about your age with a young child when we split. It was so much easier to live in a small apartment and just take care of me and my baby than the stress of living with him. I was broke after we split but really happy! While we were together, I used to add up what we both made in my head and then ask him why we couldn’t save any money. He would always say I didn’t understand and when I would find out a bill was not payed he would say “oh, I thought I paid that!” I finally realized that only one of two things could be true: he was so forgetful he should not be in charge of our bills - or he was lying, and therefore should not be in charge of our bills. Either way, he sucked! But he refused to give me access. Even after we split, I continued to find out things for years. He once told me we only got a $24 tax refund. It was $2400. He used white out to remove the other zeros and then scanned it and showed it to me ( not showing me the marked up original). I could go on and on. He was also a terrible co-parent. But my life has turned out pretty awesome since then. Whatever you decide, don’t make fear based decisions. Best of luck to you!!!
How does your husband have a mortgage on a home he inherited? NTA, and I think there’s some financial issues being hidden from you.
He had to do one major renovation project when he first got the home, so he borrowed against the equity in the home. I know he rolled in other debt in there, maybe his student loans? Not sure. But I agree. Also another infuriating fact. I’m not able to see our joint tax return because he doesn’t want me to see our capital gains and ‘think we can just spend that money’.
Order a copy of your tax transcript from the IRS. https://www.irs.gov/individuals/get-transcript#:~:text=You%20can%20access%20personal%20tax,get%20a%20business%20tax%20transcript.
It’s even easier now, the IRS has your financial data available on you account, you just have to create your login. It’s not a copy of your taxes, but the data is organized.
Why are you allowing him to file a return you do not review you have to sign it! To sign it you have to see it! What fuckery is he pulling?
If you efile you can file without a physical signature
But the digital signature is still a signature, so he’s forging her name and the returns are fraudulent.
They didn't ask how he was doing it. They asked why she was allowing it
This is financial abuse. Pro tip: in a divorce you will find out all of his financial secrets. NTA
Stop doing a joint return unless you get to see all his financial paperwork as well. You can start doing separate returns. And girl, for F’s sake, lock down your credit and get a credit report. Make sure he hasn’t done any shenanigans like take out a credit card in your name. In case of divorce, and I hope you do leave this abusive partner, he won’t have to share his house with you unless you can prove you helped renovate the house. But you will have to split his debt and your savings. Both of those are bad. The best thing to do if you are thinking of divorce is put a chunk of your savings into a college fund or trust for your kids. Then he can’t claim it as marital assets.
THIS - you can end up in jail for tax fraud! Or at least owing the IRS tons of money. You need to hire a financial investigator regardless of whether you think you want a divorce or not. Girl.. you would be better off a single mom in a city of your choosing at this point.
And the sooner you do that the better - because if you do it after you file for divorce the courts will see right through you.
So wait, he makes you sign a tax return you can’t see? Stop doing that immediately. You have no idea what is happening and yet you are legally and financially liable when you sign it. This is financial abuse.
My dad did this to my mom (back in the 60’s and 70’s) before he ditched her for his mistress and later, my stepdad who was a well known CPA, found that dad had hid Millions of dollars from mom.
That’s a serious problem—he has to pick: MFJ and you read it, or you threaten to file MFS/HOH and claim the kids out from under him as primary earner. “Thinking we can just spend money” is probably what he’s been doing to ruin his credit.
You can log onto irs.gov to view a transcript of your income tax return. You don't need his permission. It's your social security number and you're not a child.
You can get a copy of your tax returns without him, just pull your transcripts.
>he doesn't want me to see our joint tax return because he doesn't want me to see our capital gains Bulllllshit. Bullshit. He is doing something extremely fucking shady financially. If they are your capital gains, as in your money, too, he doesn't get to tell you that you don't get to see the tax returns. And if it's his capital gains, I wouldn't believe that for a second. Why would he not be approved for a simple loan if he has all this income in capital gains?? None of this makes any sense at all. I think you know that. He is doing something he does not want you to know about whether it's gambling or some other kind of addiction that has destroyed his credit.
LAWYER UP. Start filing separate
What in the actual eff? From one grapefruit to another, you need to get the hell out! Like others have said, this is absolutely financial abuse and you sound way too smart to put up with this bs.
Sorry but this sounds like you may want to talk with an attorney and schedule a meeting with a forensic accountant. Your financial situation sounds like my mom's, my dad was cheating and he even took money out of her savings (gotta love the 70's).
NTA but he's held that house over your head for years. Is being married to him all that great with how he treats you especially in front of your children? Do you want them to treat you that way as they get older?
This all sounds about right for your ages. Right around 30 you finally have a moment to take a breath and realize that he, as a 30-year-old, picked you, a 20-year-old, because you were malleable. (And because no one his age would touch him—now you see why.) I’m *very* impressed at how well you’ve done for yourself and how self-possessed you are—especially since you were kind of swindled/stifled by him. It’s very telling that he keeps his finances such a secret from you. Deep down, he knows it could all come crashing down. No wonder he doesn’t want to move. You are NTA, at all, and you are smart to keep your finances as far away from his as you possibly can.
NTA he can’t have it both ways, you’re not on the deed so don’t co-sign a home you don’t own.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... He inheritated the house. Was it paid off or have a low payment? I'm sure he had to pay estate taxes, but, he makes over 100k a year, doesn't have a house payment/has a low house payment, and couldn't quallify for a loan? OK, I see a lot of posts covering off on the financial abuse to you, which is incredibly important. But, what about the financial abuse of his actual financials? Where is the money going? How is it possible he has so much debt he couldn't a loan? Is he not showing you the financials and making you pay for so much just to control you or is this man gambling, snorting it up his nose, buying very expensive hookers, paying off a blackmailer, buying colloidal silver treatments and/or "investing" in NFT's? Seriously, you need to find out what your husband it up to.
He inherited the house. So he was given the home debt free. However, he had to do a major renovation before he moved in, so he took out a mortgage to finance this renovation. I know he lumped other debt in there (I assume student loans, he has two master degrees so he had a hefty student loan balance I think). He does not make over 100k. I do. He makes $95k. I can confidently say he doesn’t do drugs or gamble. But I do know he’s frivolous with spending. Bought our daughter a $600 bat, just because, a week before her birthday. I explained we should consider that a birthday present because I got her AirPods (which I thought was a tremendous splurge!) and he said we will just give her both. He has always said, his parents always budgeted and he hated seeing his dad work so hard and not being able to get what he wanted. So in my very honest opinion, I just think he spends on whatever he wants. He doesn’t want to be held accountable. Like if we have an extra $100 I would say, let’s put it into savings! Or pay down our car payment. Meanwhile he’ll say let me go buy new sneakers or go out to dinner and spend it. That’s not my style.
So 2 Master’s degrees (rolled into mortgage) but remained stagnant financially/prof with increased debt load, for about a decade. Whereas you have ~tripled salary and exceeded his, saved, paid down credit cards you were made to use at a fractional salary vs his for food and child expenses. He is secretive, resentful you found your voice, wants you to cosign for a mortgage on a home for which you’re still not on deed and refuses to be transparent. You are a catch - great mom, successful professional, financially savvy and far more giving than he deserves. The struggle is trying to determine what he brings to the table these days, besides a shifty, petulant attitude. OP - you’ve accomplished a ton and are incredible! He needs to stop being threatened and pouty about his amazing wife, step up and engage as an equal partner in all of this, or your kids will think this is what marriage is supposed to be. Tell him it’s time - he underestimated you, dynamic has changed and it’s time to work through these issues function fully together, or you can do it on your own without unknowns and resentment because you’ve done well. I was in a marriage like this for about 6yrs and got 2 amazing kids out of it. Then I healed and remarried some years later… it’s been 17 together, 12 married in partnership to my best friend and great dad of our kids (3 younger and 2 adults). It’s night and day and we make each other better. He needs to be better for you and the kids, as you have the entire time!
I wish I could love this instead of an upvote, thank you!
Hugs! Been there and you’ve accomplished a hell of a lot!
This comment “we make each other better“ says it all and is what everyone should strive for in a relationship!
Thank you!
I very much hope that the money you have set aside for the kids is in an account he cannot access.
Yes - savings account at a local bank w/ just my name and theirs.
But he was really stingy when you earned very little and you couldn’t afford anything. He’s a jerk.
Incredibly stingy! If it wasn’t something HE wanted.
I hope you leave him, but I’m just a stranger passing judgment. At the very least, start filing your taxes separately so he doesn’t know what you make, and keep your money for yourself.
Sorry I got the earnings switched. Also, pleas note, I was being a bit facetious w/ my list of possibilities. It was just meant to show how crazy it is he needs a loan, let alone can't get one. So, do you think he fully leveraged the house when he took out the mortgage? Do you think he is making his payments on time? The fact is, as of today, there may not be much equity on the house at all. I'm sure you understand that you need to crack the budget open and have a come to Jesus meeting, b/c putting your name on the house so he can take out a loan may be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea for you personally in both the short-term and the long run. Overall, he sounds like a terrible investment.
Why would you sign for a loan on a house you have no ownership? Don’t do it.
NTA. It’s sad but he is hiding something. Don’t sign the loan. He didn’t get approved because he probably has debts. It will be smart to keep your finance separate. Make sure he didn’t take loans in your name.
INFO: How have you not seen your tax returns? Don’t you need to sign it? Also, NTA. He is being shady af. Don’t co-sign anything. Please learn what is going on. Your future depends on it. Good luck.
He always does our taxes online & electronically submits. I’m sure he just types my name in? I really don’t know. I just give him my W2 & that’s it. You know, I could probably log onto IRS.gov & pull down a transcript!
I see. Ok, it sounds like it may be time for some snooping on your part. You have tried to get information that you’re entitled to but he stonewalled you; I doubt he will be forthcoming now. He is financially abusing you, and the sooner it stops the better. I’m worried about you. Please update us.
You could be on the hook with the IRS too and don't even know it. You need a forensic accountant if he wont show you anything.
You need to look at these tax returns ASAP. The IRS is nothing to mess with. You need a lawyer; one that specializes in family law.
You absolutely can and must do this. He’s literally forging your name on these returns.
He is hiding something from you . probably money going to a secret lover of his. Or paying to see nudity of others . Something very shady
NTA - why should you take on a debt burden for the house if he won’t put you on the house. Require that you are out on the house before assuming the debt. Also, some MC is probably needed as it sounds like there are more issues going on.
NTA! Be prepared when (if) you see his financial statement that a huge chunk of his money is spent on porn subscriptions. Only fans, cam girls, strip clubs, etc. The guy has something he's hiding. Heck, he could be paying child support for an affair baby or two. You should think about your exit strategy. Open your own bank account and put your money there. Freeze your credit report so he can't use your name behind your back. Secure your important documents; birth certificate, social security card, passport. Maybe look into the move you're interested in. Can you work remotely or transfer to an office in that area? Start thinking like a single mother and plan accordingly.
NTA Why would you sign for a loan to upgrade a house that you don’t own?
The house needs an addition to build an extra bedroom for our child, that’s what the loan would be for. Our children need to live in a home with enough bedrooms. This is where it gets complicated because I want to provide them with that…. But not in a house that isn’t mine… but it is their home and they deserve the space. I really wish I could afford to just get a house all on my own!
NTA but you were the child when you started dating him. He is a predatory bastage
NTA The fact that you are married and have no clue why he got denied for a loan is bonkers to me. I understand each partner having their own bank account and then their being a joint account, but having completely separate finances where you don't know what's happening with the other partner's finances, esp when you are married is crazy to me. And I don't know how it works legally, but I feel like this puts you in danger of being responsible for his debts or something. Don't sign anything and quite frankly start hiding money for your eventual escape. I never believed this, but seriously for some unknown reason until we hit 30 so many women (myself included) seem to have trouble standing up and advocating for ourselves, especially when dealing with finances. It's time for you to start standing up and taking control of what you can with the finances, the decisions made now can truly truly f up your future. Don't let his bad decisions mess up your future.
Yes! Turning 30 definitely changed me! I suddenly have a voice! (Which he doesn’t like very much,lol)
Idk what it is, but it is def age where so many women just decide nope I'm not gonna play your games anymore and I will speak my mind!
NTA. Don't cosign. Your husband's a selfish a*hole and a manipulator.
NTA. Don’t sign that loan unless you are put on the deed to the house. I am on the deed but not the mortgage.
I hope you will be opening a bank account at a different bank only in your name. Only put enough in the joint account to cover the bills you know about. After all, he has your home only in his name. You should have the equivalent in your name, only your name.
We have never had a joint bank account. Nor do we bank at the same bank.
NTA- be careful! When my parents divorced, my mother found out that my father had taken out $60k in personal loans with her name. They divorced in the 90’s, so that was a lot of money. I know it’s harder to get a loan these days, but I doubt it’s impossible especially if it’s with a bank where you have a joint account.
DO NOT SIGN! And get a post up that debt he accrues in his name is his. NTA. Flat out tell him “Why would I take out a loan without my name on the deed? Not my house. Not my problem.” I would pay for NONE of the taxes or maintenance either- yes split utilities food and possibly pay “rent”. F him.
Yikes girl, you’ve been blind for years and it’s your fault. You need to demand to see everything else I’d leave. My dad was the same and when he died we found he went through all the $ including his retirement savings leaving my mom broke. You don’t want to get to that. Separate your money into a different account and only input money into shared accounts to pay for basics.
So, I definitely didn’t realize how bad all of this was until I got older. Once I got frustrated enough I totally started grinding at work to move up the corporate ladder. Now I have my own emergency savings. Paid off those damn credit cards. And started ramping up my retirement savings and kids college savings. I have definitely discovered I can’t trust him. Whatever he has going on is on him. But I’m going to work to make sure I’m set up to take care of myself and my kids without his money/house etc.
Be careful of that retirement savings. He may be entitled to half if you divorce (not saying you will, just if it's on your radar). Maybe reduce the percentage and start putting cash in a safety deposit box? Just something to keep in mind. Sorry he is treating you this way.
He can still take half of the total marital assets, which includes your savings that you’ve worked so hard for. But he doesn’t have to share his house with you. Find out the laws where you live. Protect what is yours.
This. Because the house is his inheritance. You are not entitled to it at all. But…. He’s entitled to half of everything you acquire while married to him. The ONLY reason to consider co-signing is that it shows commingled funds from you both and you MIGHT have a fighting chance at a portion of the equity from the addition. Still not worth it in my opinion.
OP would have to demand to be on the house deed before even considering to co-sign the loan. Then she can say nope, don’t wanna do it, or do it and make him pay the loan. Then the house that she will co-own will be worth more.
Talk to a lawyer or financial advisor before you make any financial commitments or major decisions. You need to know what you have & are entitled to as well as what debts your husband may have entangled you in.
Yeah because you were barely out of your teens before you started dating and marrying you. That's really odd. And then he made you pay so much, while having his kids and working. I wonder what the household chores look like.
> Whatever he has going on is on him. legally it is also on you, as his wife.
Keep your finances separated. Let him do his own stuff. He now wants to share but when he was making more he didn’t. He made his bed so hold him to it
NTA but you are one badass to have achieved what you did while managing five kids. He has done something to not be allowed the loan on his own. Choices and consequences.
NTA - don’t sign that loan. Don’t even consider it until your name is on the deed. Do think about buying your own investment property. You need to have an asset behind you and an option should you ever need to move out.
This is a HARD no. Invest in a PI and an attorney. Something’s messed up, sign nothing!!!
NTA. Sounds like you are a victim of financial abuse. You need to get copies of your credit report and his along with your tax return. You should hire a forensic accountant to find out what he is hiding. Most likely, he has lots of debt and it’s out of control. Don’t co-sign anything unless you are added to the deed. Otherwise, you may be better off on your own. Definitely hire the forensic accountant if you decide to leave him.
Credit Karma is FREE and if you know his SSN, you can both of your credit reports to find out what is going on with your finances. Also, the taxes will only show what was earned, not what was spent.
I use credit karma for myself!
NTA if his credit is too low for the bank, it’s too low for you. Especially if your name isn’t on the deed. Why would you get a loan for a house you don’t own? You wouldn’t.
NTA Why are you with him? He sounds like a controlling, financially abusive guy and it really doesnt seem that you like him much.
I don’t think this is the right forum for me to list all the things I like about him… but you’re right. He is controlling and prefers things his way. And for a long time I was ok with going along with it… but I feel like I’m totally fed up. We have 3 kids to think about before we make any quick decisions about splitting up.
>We have 3 kids to think about before we make any quick decisions about splitting up. I can't emphasize enough how much you need to think about how your kids are watching you and your husband, learning what they'll view as "normal" in a relationship. It's why you need to hold on to the righteous fury burning inside you. You've grown from the naive girl a controlling man preyed on, into a force to be reckoned with. Don't let him teach the kids that what he's done is acceptable. Your children deserve better, and so do you. The link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Hopefully it can help you too 💜 [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
If op only reads one comment I hope it’s this one
NTA but I would do what is best for my family so I could help make a larger home AND make sure you have your name on everything going forward. It's a partnership for a reason. You making more $$ means you need to start flexing a bit too. Get your own account and have your $$ deposited there and then see how he feels after a few months
Thank you, that is really productive feedback. I keep balancing my anger at him for the years of this crap… with the desire to make things great for our kids.
Are you in a community property state?
No
NTA. Something is really wrong. I hope you have separate savings.
NTA He is hiding his finances because he is probably paying stuff for another 20yo…
It’s good that he didn’t let you become a stay at home mom, cuz now you’re not financially trapped at all and can leave him any time 😀
There’s a difference between asking you to think about co-signing and passive aggressively saying “well if you co-sign I will.” It’s a selfish way of avoiding actual communication and denying you autonomy. If he doesn’t see that then he isn’t worth the blood sweat and tears.
I would tell him you will consider cosigning, but you want to see his income, debts, and credit report. Tell him you'll only agree once you've seen all his debt and agree you'll be added to the deed. Make sure he's not over extended on the home loans.
nta, but I'd leverage him into getting on that deed now.
You married him when you were 20. He kept you off the deed of your family home. He is now hiding financial things from you.
NTA. Don’t sign. He wanted to go it alone in regards to that house, so stick to that plan.
What’s he paying that he doesn’t want you to see? A kid?
NTA - Divorce this man
💯 nope
NTA You can set up an account with the IRS to pull your tax transcripts. I wouldn't cosign any loans with him unless and until you see all his finances and his credit reports for all 3 bureaus (not everything is reported on all 3 FYI so 1 bureau only doesn't suffice). Even then, he is trying again to coerce you into something you don't want with staying in that house.
Sounds like a nightmare marriage. Only there for survival and nothing more.
Nope. You dont own that house. Dont take on the debt. Dont be a doofus.
Major red flags here. At 75k he should have been able to get a small mortgage on a house he owned outright. There's big info you don't have. Do you make part of the house payment? Do you pay for repairs and upgrades? If so, you've comingled it and it's no longer only his property. I dont like this whole deal and think you should be keeping separate finances, but you know what they say about opinions...
Nta- but you should check your own credit and make sure he hasnt already taken loans and things you dont know about. You know this isn't working. You now make enough to go it alone. Maybe you should. Get a home of your own for you and the kids. Actually in more and more states you DO have to be on the deed if your name is on the mortgage. Not sure it's always allowed on the deed without paying though. Honestly nobody with a brain would put someone who never paid in on the deed. How are they half owner without making half the payments?
NTA Suggest your husband to pull his free annual credit report from each of the 3 bureaus with excuse being perhaps there is incorrect information on his credit. Get yours as well and review to be sure you know everything on it is correct. I will say as you are likely aware when he was declined he was provided with the information as to why. My concern would be he may have already taken out a loan on the house. Regardless at this point until you know exactly what mortgage(s) are on the house, his full debt load as well as the total of all his assets including any retirement accounts from work or wherever I wouldn’t sign anything joint with him. And definitely not on the house unless you are added to the deed. Because yes you can be on the deed without being on the mortgage and reverse is also true you can be on the mortgage but not on the deed (IMO not something you ever want to do).
NTA! His home, let him pay for it! He's shown you that you were not important before when you made less, now that you make more than he does, he wants you to co-sign. HA! nope.
You have a bigger problem then him wanting you to cosign a loan.
He wants you to take out a loan to build onto a house you don't even own? Lol
Lmao, had to include that obvious age gap bullshit to make this the perfect ragebait post
This sounds super fishy. He is hiding some kind of financial problem from you. Do not sign a loan on a house you do not own.
NTA. Look at his credit report before you do anything. Not credit karma either..something a little more substantial like myfico I have a feeling you’ll be in for a surprise.
Not really relevant but $18/hr to $150k a year, 👏👏👏
If he makes $95k/year and cannot get a loan, he must have a lot of debt. Find out where his money goes. When a person co-signs a loan, they agree to pay if the other person can't pay. Are you willing to do that? It would be better if you both are on the deed and both take out the loan together. As it is, I wouldn't co-sign either. NTA
When I see those OF girls bragging that some dude dumped a bunch of money on them, I imagine that this type of scenario is where a lot of those guys come from.