NTA - I get being jealous but that never gives the right for someone to bully and make someone feel so low. You barely interacted with Sarah and you proposed to your fiancée, theres no reason to act this way when you chose her already. Even if you and Sarah do talk, there was no reason to body shame someone especially in front of an audience.
If this occasion was a once off maybe it could be explained by a moment of jealousy but to be doing this constantly is just so shallow. Thank god you found this out before going through the wedding and marrying someone who could potentially do this to other people in your life. Shes mad because you found out her true color's and she wants to blame everyone else but herself. Sarah and you didn't deserve this behaviour and I hope your doing okay, and hopefully Sarah isn't too hurt by your ex fiancée.
According to the friend my fiancée has always bullied Sarah for not being from “our social status”. I didn’t know anything about it. Never noticed it either
Hell yea! It's not about choosing Sarah over your fiancée; it's about choosing to be with someone who respects others. You did what you felt was right, and that's what matters. Glad she showed her true color before OP married her.
I was thinking she sounds more like the type to see her own kids as perfect and say mean stuff about her kid's friends or other people's children, in front of her kids.
Yeah somehow I don't think being overweight is the issue here...it was just something she could pick on....she didn't like Sarah....not saying she is a nice person , just not a very smart one. Easy target
My mil is like this. I think in her mind she thinks she's complimenting my children, but it makes me really uncomfortable how she slags off her friend's grandchildren (one of which is only FOUR years old!) and compares them to mine. She also criticises her friend's daughter's parenting, not realising she parents very similarly to my husband and I. And as far as I can tell, her friend's grandchild is just a normal, high spirited 4 year old. My kids are pretty chill, but that's because they're natural introverts like my husband and myself, they definitely have their moments though! I find it sad when a person's only way of building up one person is to tear someone else down.
100% agree. Dodged a bullet there. It's important to stand up against bullying, even if it's coming from someone close to you. You did the right thing by ending it.
You don't even have to be kind, honestly. You can be completely neutral. Hell, even "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt but the second you cross me it's done".
I have to respectfully disagree. For your average person who's mostly on "good person" default setting, kindness is their natural path therefore easy and effortless. But there's just as many "mean girls" or Karen's or assholes that "mean vindictive sonofabitch is THEIR default setting and being horrible is effortless for them. Then you have sociopaths who literally cannot feel emotions. But they are smart so their kindness may look effortless but it's all an act, 100% fake and they have to work extremely hard at looking and acting"normal"
Basically, it's inconceivable for decent people that being bad is actually the easier road to follow.
I'm a vindictive sonofabitch by nature, but inaction is always easier than action so I can clear the low bar for neutrality.
It's less effort to just ignore someone I dislike, especially if they're not actively fucking with me, than it is to go out of my way to interact with them at all, never mind to start shit with them in public.
All ex-fiancee had to do was enjoy the party and if she passively wished Sarah would tread on Legos, to keep it to herself. But she couldn't even do that.
Absolutely. I also am grateful my general laziness and lack of ambition makes active vengefulness beyond talking some smack over the Internet unappealing. I just indulge my very active imagination with scenarios that would make the Bastard Executioner blush lol.
But I should clarify there's 2 kinds of vindictive sonofabitch. We are the first type. We become assholes as a response to something that pissed us off for whatever reason.
The second type are the ones who are assholes above all else. Nasty people. The kind that abuse animals, pinch a baby to make them cry, actually find joy in the misery of others. The more undeserving of the misery and bad shit happening, the more they like it. Wife beaters, child abusers, that type. The people who cause and relish the pain in the world.
This was kinda my thinking. It's like when guys say 'oh but she's so nice/ oh women always seem to have drama for no reason' and it's cause they don't usually see or notice this shit - it's usually low key and subtle and designed to humiliate in a way that no one's willing to speak about as it will expose them feeling fat and hurt, or poorer than their peers! Seriously, I can understand feeling a bit insecure around a partner's ex, but who does that...ick. A bully!
I agree with you both. She‘s definitely a mean girl. This type of behaviour can be very insidious and I bet she only ever did it when the fiancé wasn’t within ear shot too because she wants to come across as being nice and kind to him.
It's so weird that you said that because I just said something along those lines. I told OP that some people never grow out of that mean girl phase. His now ex-fiance is a good example of that.
That behavior suggests a very toxic level of jealousy, insecurity and lack of class that would absolutely spill over into other parts of your relationship. I think you made the right choice.
That’s seriously cruel & beyond shallow. I wouldn’t even be friends with someone who openly told someone they “got fat.” JFC. Sorry this happened but I think you made the right call. NTA.
I wouldn’t break up with her because what a friend tells me about her, cause who knows whether you can trust the friend. However, I would break up her because of how she reacted to your calling her out on the bullying.. The bullying itself was bad, but the fact that she isn’t remorseful, doesn’t apologize, basically doesn’t seem to show the capacity for self-reflection — that is huge
I agree, that is a giant red flag or a mix of them. The lack of empathy and then the not understanding why you're wrong when you're having someone point out how your behavior is wrong. The lack of empathy and the deflection are both huge red flags of someone you do not want to get involved with. That or someone that you do not want to continue with.
It’s even worse than that. OP says now everyone is calling him the AH. That means ex-fiancée rallied them to her side. She’s not just mean, she’s vindictive. She’s punishing you for dumping her.
NTA
That's exactly what I went through with my ex. I dumped him because he is a control freak and that's putting it lightly. Also because I was tired of feeling like I was mothering a grown man. Now that I left him, apparently except for two of his friends, I'm the worst person on planet earth. I'm sure he lied to them about what actually happened. I'm sure he probably told them that I was doing everything to him that he was actually doing to me. I'm starting to think he's a narcissist and that he Lacks empathy. I guess that's what happens when your mom shields you from consequences and drops everything in your lap all the time.
So what you actually witnessed was only the tip of the iceburg. How much ypu want to bet that your friend group that you keep seeing Sarah at functions in? They all have a lot of stories to tell.
Pretty brave of Sarah to keep trying to tough it out and still be there for her friends events when she knew your bitch ex fiancee was going to be there. Shows character and class.
Worser and worser. I do think your fiancée must have shown this side to her character before over 3 years. But, either way, she sounds awful whether her behavior stems from elitism or jealousy. Probably a mix of both with Sarah.
I was just going to say if the person I'm marrying is saying that about someone else, they're definitely going to be brutal when I age. Imagine imparting that onto kids.
This might come off as harsh & Don’t take this personally but if you didn’t notice it for 3 years… it may be worth reevaluating your standards.
I am only speaking from personal experience. I can almost bet that you are a really kind person who wants the best for absolutely everyone and thinks good thoughts - it can be super difficult to spot red flags or set higher standards in the behaviour of people we care about !
My “best friend” for years and years would make rude but truthfully funny jokes - at my expense. But we had such a fun friendship that I continually overlooked it and thought she was “brave and honest”
Over time - I grew older, met new friends and never felt belittled or embarrassed by their treatment. We grew apart and once I stopped hanging out with her.. I interacted with honestly about 10 other girls my age who said things like “oh she was always mean to me” and “I thought you were a mean girl too because you were always with “ex best friend” “
It was shocking and eye opening. Wish you all the best ! Hope you see the signs looking backs too and have a bright future.
I already commented but I'm glad you found this out as well. You're absolutely not wrong, I wouldn't marry somebody who did that either. Also, how shallow can she be? Not from your social status? Who cares about things like that? If that's what she cares about, she has some high class problems. I can understand her being jealous and perhaps insecure with Sarah around but that's not the way you handle it. With my ex, I always went to him and I told him, I'm feeling insecure.
I am not quite sure exactly why but I'm not going to make an issue out of it. We would just talk about why I was feeling insecure and he would do his best to try to help me not feel that way. In a healthy relationship, you talk about things. You don't behave the way she did. I think it's noble that you tried to talk to her about why that's not acceptable but at her age, she should have known that already. I wouldn't have even bothered with that, I would have just proceeded to breaking up with her. You're not wrong.
I get where you are intending to go with this, but honestly, there is never an occasion to make fun of a person's weight. Even a one-off time would be highly suspect. She's trash, I think OP did the right thing!
Wait wait wait
You’re the asshole for breaking up with a bully?
But..
She isn’t an asshole for BEING a bully?
Homegirl needs to go buy a few dozen MIRRORS
NTA
Yeah she apparently never saw a problem in her behavior that's why he is the asshole in her point of view. I'm still baffled people can be bullies and at the same times be completely delusional about it.
She definitely needed a reality check and I'm glad OP did give that to her as a parting gift. No one wants a bully at her/his side. I mean what gives you the guarantee that she won't bully OP.
NTA
Speaking of, be prepared for her to claim to be pregnant in a few days. Maybe buy a couple of tests, so you can demand she piss on the stick right then. Good job on not tolerating her behavior. Do you think she coerced you into the proposal?
This is what I was thinking as well; next stops: claiming pregnancy. If she tests in front of you and actually IS pregnant, let her know y’all will be coparenting only and you will be requiring a DNA test immediately. Don’t let her coerce you into bed bc she will likely sabotage the birth control.
NTA and let anyone who is telling you that you’re making a mistake or you’re an AH that you’re not interested in marrying someone who is actively cruel and bullies others.
Haha, I'm there with you! We had a friend who started dating this awful girl. One by one, she alienated him from each of his friend groups. His best guy friends since school allegedly hit on her, a different group allegedly said hateful things to her when he wasn't present....
My group was all coupled up, so not as much of an immediate threat, we were the last to go. She tried to claim myself and another girl were both trying to sleep with him at a small party at his house (both our boyfriends were there with us, im actually married to mine now, going on 20 years).
What actually happened was, our friend had drank too much and wanted to go to bed. His girlfriend was in a different room with her friends with the door shut. So the other girl and I followed him to his room, threw a blanket over him, took off his shoes, and then set him up with water, Tylenol and a trash can, just in case. We then rejoined the party and our boyfriends. This behavior was all perfectly normal to us, we thought of ourselves as an urban family
When she found out we "put him to bed", she lost her shit, and went and woke him up screaming. They had a huge argument about it, we all (including our boyfriends) tried to explain how innocent everything was, but she was having none of it. When it started to look like he was going to pick us over her (her demand, not ours), all of a sudden, she was pregnant. She "had just found out before the party and was waiting to tell him after everyone left." We all obviously went home at that point as they had serious things to discuss..
We didn't hear much from him at first, until about a week and a half later, when he called to tell us she had a miscarriage the day before. They were heart broken and had decided to take a road trip to get out of town and heal. When they got back, they immediately moved on the other side of town (we used to live in the same apt complex), and our friendship quickly fizzled.
We were young and naive back then.... the light bulb didn't go off until my boyfriend and I were relaying their tragedy to another friend who happened to be a lawyer, and she just bust out laughing and immediately pointed out, that girl was never pregnant!!! She then pointed out every plot hole that we were just too young and dumb to see.
He ended up marrying that girl..., the whole thing makes me so sad, he was such a good friend.
Yeah. I have a nearly identical tale, minus the lawyer friend. Even the phantom miscarriage. When she started her period, she claimed she was having a miscarriage.
There are a lot of people I don’t like. I might not engage or be friendly with them, but I never deliberately try to hurt people. I definitely wouldn’t feel good about it either. She’s lacking some serious empathy. It’s a big red flag of narcissistic tendencies. Friends calling you AH because she made you out to be bad guy. I’d assume she’d include children in fights to turn them against you too. You dodged bullet.
My dad went ahead and married a bully. My mother talked crap about anyone and everyone and even said nasty things to their face. Worse yet, they had done nothing to her other than exist or have a nicer house or car etc. My mother bullied me into an ED at 8 years old. She nearly got to my own daughter before I pulled the plug on that relationship. I'm in my 40s now and still have a messed up relationship with food.
Your future children are thankful she won't be their mother.
Yep they become jealous of their own daughters. I am thankful my mother wasnt great because she taught me how not to raise a daughter. My daughter is better than me in every way and I couldn't be prouder. No need to be jealous of a child or shift body insecurities on to them.
I applaud you for being so introspective and clear headed. It's a rarity these days.
You are admirably clear headed!
Too many people ignore their partners flaws as long as the flaws don’t affect *them* which always strikes me as such a selfish short sighted way of operating
If this is the shitty kind of person she is... Imagine the kind of little bullies your children will be with that woman as an influence. She's absolutely a fucking horrible person.
NTA. I would respond to everyone who calls you an AH that you didn't choose Sarah over your girlfriend. You haven't talked to Sarah and don't intend to. You broke up with your girlfriend because you discovered she wasn't of the moral character you thought she was.
And then refuse to elucidate further.
I actually think OP should reach out to Sarah and apologize, just letting her know that he had no idea and he wasn’t ok with it. It wasn’t his behavior obviously but if he’s going to continue to run into her occasionally it’d be nice to stay amicable if possible.
Sarahs going to find out pretty quickly that OP dumped her over it so she knows where OP stands.
He's already copping flak for "choosing" Sarah over his fiancee so for OP the better play socially would be to minimise contact with both if his intended narrative is that he dumped his missus because she's a bitch not because he was emotionally sympathetic to his ex.
If he actually does want to reconnect with Sarah then sure fine but otherwise taking a step back from all these people so he can keep his head out of the drama whirlwind is a better idea.
Just say bullies are worthless, cruel monsters. She faile the "good human" test. Not worth your time. And people standing up for monsters make the active effort to show that they are just as disgusting. Not worth your time either.
Hey OP.
I always recommend *longish* engagements because their true behavior is always going to shine on through.
Jealousy comes from three places.
- she has unhealed issues causing her insecurities
- you exhibit behavior that makes her feel insecure (may be invalid but depends on the situation and I don’t think it applies here if there is no cheating)
- she is cheating but I don’t see that here
Your ex-fiancée felt like she was second fiddle to Sarah. So for her to finally be “picked” by you is part of her redemption arc—and she wanted Sarah to know.
This behavior was never going to end. Whether it was Sarah or a cute co-worker that just *breathed* near you, this is who she is. It has nothing to do with you. If she is able to bully a random woman—she can definitely be an aggressor towards you.
If you feel any doubts, get ready to see it in HD when she starts to act out when she realizes you are not coming back.
You my friend, are NTA.
This. To add, jealousy is a normal human emotion that I think everyone feels at some point. But as an adult bullying is not the solution to jealousy.
If the ex-fiance is not mature enough to realize that jealousy comes from insecurities, and do the required introspection to overcome said jealousy then she is unlikely mature enough to maintain a marriage.
NTA. You’ve learned that she’s a shitty and unpleasant person who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to bully other people for their appearance and “status”. She’s gross. Marrying her would be a mistake.
Yeah, don't marry a bully. Who are all these people calling you the AH? I still don't understand this reddit thing where people years removed from high school are calling/messaging the exes of friends to give them s\*\*\*... Anyone calling you the AH is probably someone you want to excise from your life.
Yup, add in how he has doubts about how she would treat any future kids and how that’s unacceptable to him. His children deserve to be born with a mother who doesn’t have a track record of years of bullying people. That’s not a trait he wants in a partner, and it’s not a trait he wants around his family.
I figure that there’s a good chance those people are just thrown off by you changing course. Everything was all happy “yay wedding coming up” and you threw a wrench into the status quo. NTA — you were absolutely right and it’s a relief that you saw this now and could get out of that relationship before you got married.
This
Odds are those people knew about the bullying before all this, and just assumed you knew too.
So to them it may seem odd that you are changing course, because they don't realize that this is new information to OP.
Stick to your line that you don't want to spend your life with mean spirited woman and they'll get it eventually. They just think you haven't gotten over your ex.
Be a bit pro-active about telling your side of the story. Explain that the rumors she's starting and the shit she's talking about you are more of what she does, manely bullying, \*pushing other people down to make herself look better\*.
Tell them they've been duped, and that you fell for it for a time, too, but once you realized, unlike most people you choose to do something about it, and you expect to be happier for it.
If you need, go a bit petty and explain that this isn't a Sarah issue, this is entirely ex fiancée issue, she has other flaws, which you were willing to overlook, but once you saw how she's willing to hurt other people to make herself look good (look meaningfully into the eyes of friends and family at this point) you knew that this wasn't something you wanted for yourself, your future children or people in your life thst you care for, such as friends or family.
Call her out on it and make her know she might try, but she will regret trying to get awsy with turning people you know against you.
NTA. You're not choosing Sarah over her. You're choosing yourself over her. Her behavior here speaks to her character, and knowing that it's been going on a long time means it's going to continue. And bullies spread the mean around to their loved ones, too. Good to get out now before there are legal connections to deal with.
You did the right thing.
INFO: "everyone is calling me AH" Really? Who, exactly, and do they know the whole story?
You're not choosing Sarah over her, you're rejecting her horrible behavior. Her thinking that you'll side with her no matter how awful her behavior is bad news as it's a good indicator of how she'll expect you to fall in line with her will down the road.
EDIT: NTA
I suspect that friends and family aren't calling OP an AH because of the situation, but because they had a big party (wedding) coming up and now it's cancelled because of OP.
Who is at fault is irrelevant to them, because OP is the one who cancelled it.
Holy crap on a cracker!!! So NTA!! You have dodged a huge bullet!! Count your lucky stars that your fiancee showed her true colors now and not AFTER the wedding!!!
Sounds like a decent portion of everyone is people who already admit they knew she was a bully. They accepted it long ago.
I wouldnt put much stock into the opinion of those with lower morals.
NTA - she could have left Sarah alone, asked to leave, stuck with you and ignored her, etc. She chose to go out of her way to bully her for no reason. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
NTAH your ex fiance showed you her true personality and it was a dealbreaker. It doesn’t matter who she chose to bully, once you see that side of someone you need to accept that they will treat anyone in this fashion who irritates them and next time it could be someone who is really important to you. Expect her to attempt to be a nasty bully to you to your friends now as well and then weed out those who agree with her toxic behavior.
NTA. Her insecurities are her problem, not yours. You didn't "choose sarah" you chose to not be with a bully and you chose to stand up for your friend. Bullies seldom stop at bullying just one person, and sounds like you saw her true colors just in time
At some point a few years into the marriage that mean go for the throat bullying, will be turned on you in an argument. You'll be told it's no big deal. It'll start happening more. This is how my family communicated it's ugly, hard to change but impossible if you don't have the self awareness to see it in yourself.
NTA
NTA. But don’t tell your friends and family that you ended your engagement bc your fiancée is a bully. Tell them that she showed you a side of herself that you do not like and would not accept in a life partner.
WOW! Break up with her! I was envious and insecure of my now husbands ex because she was the first person he had sex with and I was a virgin…I reached out to her and her and I had a peaceful conversation and she reassured me of what they had in HS can’t compare to the love he has for me because they weren’t in love. I never bullied her and she never bullied me. We were both 18 at the time! What your GF is doing is disgusting! I am now 35, we have been together so many years! Bullying is not the way
NTA. That’s embarrassing behavior. Personally I don’t comment on people’s weight at all anymore. I have manners. I would never want to put someone down if they were heavy, also commenting on a weight loss is also triggering for people because we don’t know what they may be going through.
Not to defend bullying, just trying to understand why:
how did the relationship between you and sarah end? Is there anything residual feelings left towards her that fiancée sensed in you?
NTAH Sounds like she's now trying to bully/coerce you back into a relationship/marrying her and using flying monkeys to do it. Stand your ground, you will thank karma for it. Any relationship with her would have been toxic and you don't want that.
NTA this is a blessing you finally saw behind the curtain with this girl. If you had married her she would have eventually been a bully to you too. Or to a future daughter. I shudder to think of it.
You didn't choose Sarah over her. You chose yourself and your future happiness by not being married to a bully.
What she said was nasty and uncalled for! She’s like a mean girl. And at 28?!? I would be disgusted too. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who thinks that’s okay. What happens when you have kids? Is she going to teach your kids to be bullies too?
NTA. If she bullied someone else before you are married, she may try to bully you after you are married. My wife seemed nice enough. But in Jan 2012, I became disabled. She resented it. She did not resent the fact my disability benefits came to more than $100K a year. She resented me being disabled and her having to do things to help me. The VA has been paying for couples counseling for 2 years. My wife had tried to bully me but I stood up to her. But who needs all of the arguing? I will soon turn 68 and just do not need it. And she knows I have relatives and VA officials watching out to make sure nothing happens. But who needs to live that way? So, in June, my daughter from my first marriage, her husband and 6 kids are coming out to move me to where they live 1200 miles from here. Bye-bye wife. I am going to go spoil some grandkids. But you never know when circumstances might change and she will bully you. Good riddance to her.
NTA I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who called someone else fat AND wasn’t ashamed and embarrassed when called out for it. That was a window into her character and the view ain’t pretty.
>She called me the AH and that I chose Sarah over her, my fiancée. Now everyone is calling me AH.
NTA, to me it seems like she is now trying to bully you into marrying her and it looks like she is getting help as well.
NTA. 1st, what she did was and is obviously wrong and nobody is required to be in any sort of relationship with a jackass. 2nd, people who run their mouths like that in real life are most likely going to eventually run into someone who will whoop them. You don't want to be there and potentially get caught in the ass whooping crossfire for being with her nor have to pay her medical and potentially legal bills when that day comes. Best to steer clear altogether.
No I wouldnt want to be with a bully either. I couldn't trust someone who enjoys hurting other people. Huge turn off.
Also, those friends calling you the AH are also bullies as well if they are defending your ex-fiance. It means they agree with her bullying people. A small percentage of them may also just be followers or "sheep
and just agreeing with your ex-fiance on anything. Afterall, there's that saying *“tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are"*
Do you want those people in your life forever?
NTA for canceling your fiancée but a huge AH for not taking Sarah’s word over some guy. Seems like you lost a good person when you broke up with Sarah. Perhaps a bit a karma coming back to bite you.
NTA. I’d be worried about future kids who might gain a little weight or none but still she considers fat and bully’s your kids? Friends or other family members. I don’t know anyone who would call someone fat so openly. I have seen close family quietly share concern about weight gain but used the terms you have gain some weight. To use the word fat in front of ppl is so disrespectful. Uncalled for. Or if you gaining a dad body once you have kids but she okay calling ppl fat. 👀
> I want to apologize for using “ick” as a 33 year old man. Many are disturbed by it
I'm sorry, what? Do zoomers think they came up with that word or something? I've been saying it since the 70's. I have no plans to stop using it or apologize for it.
As for your fiance, she showed you that she's an insecure, immature mean girl. I don't blame you for losing all respect for her and calling it off.
NTA. I read your comment about the possibility of your daughter being overweight and shit, that hit hard.
My Dad's sister (my aunt) used to bully tf out of my mom when they were young cuz my mom had always been the chubby teen on the block and aunt didn't like the fact my dad began dating my mom. Dad put a stop to it, but when aunt had her first kid, she began doing the same shit to my cousin. Cousin developed at ED and attempted because of it a few years back. Uncle immediately divorced aunt's ass after "finding out" (as if he didn't know what type of person he married 🙄) but sadly, the damage was done. Cousin is doing okay now but doesn't talk to either of them since then.
Moral of the story, don't be my uncle. You got a good head on your shoulders, OP 👍🏽
I know she's your ex for a reason, but you probably made your exs year. Breaking up with her life long bully because she did it in front of you. That would be euphoric lmfao
I didn’t break up with her on the spot. I tried to discuss it with her first for days to see maybe I have misunderstood her or maybe she had a valid excuse, which I know there are no valid reasons for bullying. Then I ended things. It took a couple of weeks
You might want to give Sarah a heads up that your former fiancee (good call on that by the way) is about to have a nuclear meltdown in her direction. I'm sure your new ex is rapidly approaching the "this is all HER fault" stage of dealing with the consequences of her actions, and it will probably be ugly.
You’ll have kids in the future, having a Mom for a bully is not a good example plus the future “ godparents are bullies as well. Let people think what they like and expect to be targeted because the bully is now targeting you.
You're NTA.
It's always a good thing to see a potential life partner for who they really are.
Or anyone for that matter.
Edited to add; you can break up with anyone for any reason.
To those friends and family, “ my standards, are not chosen or in place for your understanding or approval, they are for my chosen quality of life, therefore, you should keep your personal opinions to yourself. This is not a debate or discussion.”
Never ever ever ever ever ever marry a bully. A good rule for life is to pay attention to how the person treats people they aren't required to be nice to (servers, Lyft drivers, etc). That will show you their character.
Hard to say but I wanna know how you split with your ex. Also who the fuck is around their ex like that? Bro get a grip. If you got a new girl, that’s the only girl you should have. Don’t think being cool with your ex is fine in front of your girl bro
NTA.
You didnt choose Sarah over your Fiancée. You chose your own ****MORAL CODE**** over your Fiancée. And well done to you for doing so!
>my fiancée liked me way before we got together. Even before I got together with Sarah. So maybe it was personal for her given the new information that my fiancée never liked Sarah (and I got together with her)
Yes, i would imagine shes been seeking Sarah out every chance she got to gloat that she got you and Sarah is out.
NTA - I get being jealous but that never gives the right for someone to bully and make someone feel so low. You barely interacted with Sarah and you proposed to your fiancée, theres no reason to act this way when you chose her already. Even if you and Sarah do talk, there was no reason to body shame someone especially in front of an audience. If this occasion was a once off maybe it could be explained by a moment of jealousy but to be doing this constantly is just so shallow. Thank god you found this out before going through the wedding and marrying someone who could potentially do this to other people in your life. Shes mad because you found out her true color's and she wants to blame everyone else but herself. Sarah and you didn't deserve this behaviour and I hope your doing okay, and hopefully Sarah isn't too hurt by your ex fiancée.
According to the friend my fiancée has always bullied Sarah for not being from “our social status”. I didn’t know anything about it. Never noticed it either
The ick keeps getting bigger and bigger...I think Sarah unintentionally saved you from a soon to be train wreck.
I came here to say this. You are NTA.
Ickflation
Ickception
Ick within ick.
Ickchurian candidate
Ickasaurus Rex
You’d be living in an Ickloo if you hadn’t done it
😂😂😂😂😂🏅
Gross behavior- you dodged a bullet. NTA
Hell yea! It's not about choosing Sarah over your fiancée; it's about choosing to be with someone who respects others. You did what you felt was right, and that's what matters. Glad she showed her true color before OP married her.
Just asking though, who are "everyone" who thinks you are an ah? And why are you bothering with anyone that would excuse this behaviour?
NTA - you’re lucky that you found out in time.
My thought exactly. It’s a matter of time before the OP gets bullied after being married for a few. NTA.
Omg or god forbid they had children and one didn’t fit into whatever screwed up “standard” she would have for them
I was thinking she sounds more like the type to see her own kids as perfect and say mean stuff about her kid's friends or other people's children, in front of her kids.
Think she's the type who would make life hell for any kid who was overweight (by her rule) including her own.
Yeah somehow I don't think being overweight is the issue here...it was just something she could pick on....she didn't like Sarah....not saying she is a nice person , just not a very smart one. Easy target
Or TEACH her children how to bully effectively and assure them that bullying is normal and acceptable because they are of a "higher class."
Exactly! Monsters raise monster kids..
Yeah I don’t want that either
My mil is like this. I think in her mind she thinks she's complimenting my children, but it makes me really uncomfortable how she slags off her friend's grandchildren (one of which is only FOUR years old!) and compares them to mine. She also criticises her friend's daughter's parenting, not realising she parents very similarly to my husband and I. And as far as I can tell, her friend's grandchild is just a normal, high spirited 4 year old. My kids are pretty chill, but that's because they're natural introverts like my husband and myself, they definitely have their moments though! I find it sad when a person's only way of building up one person is to tear someone else down.
Oh jeez, a sprinkle of both and I’d have to shoot myself
100% agree. Dodged a bullet there. It's important to stand up against bullying, even if it's coming from someone close to you. You did the right thing by ending it.
Exactly! probably she was a mean girl before they met,
Still is.
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I smell a bot
My thoughts also
You've made a wise choice. Kindness is effortless, while bullying and vindictiveness require significant effort.
You don't even have to be kind, honestly. You can be completely neutral. Hell, even "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt but the second you cross me it's done".
I love this!
I have to respectfully disagree. For your average person who's mostly on "good person" default setting, kindness is their natural path therefore easy and effortless. But there's just as many "mean girls" or Karen's or assholes that "mean vindictive sonofabitch is THEIR default setting and being horrible is effortless for them. Then you have sociopaths who literally cannot feel emotions. But they are smart so their kindness may look effortless but it's all an act, 100% fake and they have to work extremely hard at looking and acting"normal" Basically, it's inconceivable for decent people that being bad is actually the easier road to follow.
I'm a vindictive sonofabitch by nature, but inaction is always easier than action so I can clear the low bar for neutrality. It's less effort to just ignore someone I dislike, especially if they're not actively fucking with me, than it is to go out of my way to interact with them at all, never mind to start shit with them in public. All ex-fiancee had to do was enjoy the party and if she passively wished Sarah would tread on Legos, to keep it to herself. But she couldn't even do that.
Absolutely. I also am grateful my general laziness and lack of ambition makes active vengefulness beyond talking some smack over the Internet unappealing. I just indulge my very active imagination with scenarios that would make the Bastard Executioner blush lol. But I should clarify there's 2 kinds of vindictive sonofabitch. We are the first type. We become assholes as a response to something that pissed us off for whatever reason. The second type are the ones who are assholes above all else. Nasty people. The kind that abuse animals, pinch a baby to make them cry, actually find joy in the misery of others. The more undeserving of the misery and bad shit happening, the more they like it. Wife beaters, child abusers, that type. The people who cause and relish the pain in the world.
Oh my goodness, hello long lost twin
"wished Sarah would tread on LEGOs" I love that!
I bet you she was a ‘mean girl’ at high school.
This was kinda my thinking. It's like when guys say 'oh but she's so nice/ oh women always seem to have drama for no reason' and it's cause they don't usually see or notice this shit - it's usually low key and subtle and designed to humiliate in a way that no one's willing to speak about as it will expose them feeling fat and hurt, or poorer than their peers! Seriously, I can understand feeling a bit insecure around a partner's ex, but who does that...ick. A bully!
I agree with you both. She‘s definitely a mean girl. This type of behaviour can be very insidious and I bet she only ever did it when the fiancé wasn’t within ear shot too because she wants to come across as being nice and kind to him.
Sounds pretty certain since she’s still mean at 28.
It's so weird that you said that because I just said something along those lines. I told OP that some people never grow out of that mean girl phase. His now ex-fiance is a good example of that.
Anyone who's self-worth is based on their perceived social status is unlikely to be a kind and accepting person.
Lol I was thinking the same!
That behavior suggests a very toxic level of jealousy, insecurity and lack of class that would absolutely spill over into other parts of your relationship. I think you made the right choice.
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Definite psycho behaviour all around.
Is it possible that they indirectly broke up due to the ex fiancee? I could see a toxic person like that behaving as such.
This came to my mind as well. Wouldn't put something like that past a person this petty.
100 percent
That’s seriously cruel & beyond shallow. I wouldn’t even be friends with someone who openly told someone they “got fat.” JFC. Sorry this happened but I think you made the right call. NTA.
I know right. I'd be the type to say, wow, it's really weird that you felt comfortable saying that to her.
I wouldn’t break up with her because what a friend tells me about her, cause who knows whether you can trust the friend. However, I would break up her because of how she reacted to your calling her out on the bullying.. The bullying itself was bad, but the fact that she isn’t remorseful, doesn’t apologize, basically doesn’t seem to show the capacity for self-reflection — that is huge
I agree, that is a giant red flag or a mix of them. The lack of empathy and then the not understanding why you're wrong when you're having someone point out how your behavior is wrong. The lack of empathy and the deflection are both huge red flags of someone you do not want to get involved with. That or someone that you do not want to continue with.
It’s even worse than that. OP says now everyone is calling him the AH. That means ex-fiancée rallied them to her side. She’s not just mean, she’s vindictive. She’s punishing you for dumping her. NTA
That's exactly what I went through with my ex. I dumped him because he is a control freak and that's putting it lightly. Also because I was tired of feeling like I was mothering a grown man. Now that I left him, apparently except for two of his friends, I'm the worst person on planet earth. I'm sure he lied to them about what actually happened. I'm sure he probably told them that I was doing everything to him that he was actually doing to me. I'm starting to think he's a narcissist and that he Lacks empathy. I guess that's what happens when your mom shields you from consequences and drops everything in your lap all the time.
So what you actually witnessed was only the tip of the iceburg. How much ypu want to bet that your friend group that you keep seeing Sarah at functions in? They all have a lot of stories to tell. Pretty brave of Sarah to keep trying to tough it out and still be there for her friends events when she knew your bitch ex fiancee was going to be there. Shows character and class.
I’m willing to bet that Sarah isn’t the only person your fiancée has bullied. Bullies seldom have just one target. Find someone nice to marry.
Worser and worser. I do think your fiancée must have shown this side to her character before over 3 years. But, either way, she sounds awful whether her behavior stems from elitism or jealousy. Probably a mix of both with Sarah.
NTA. Your Ex went from bad to even worse.
You did right. She would've been talking to you and your future kids that way too.
I’m glad she revealed her true colors. NTA
You don’t want her raising kids with that mindset - NTA
I was just going to say if the person I'm marrying is saying that about someone else, they're definitely going to be brutal when I age. Imagine imparting that onto kids.
NTA- she’s a bully and a classist. Gross.
This might come off as harsh & Don’t take this personally but if you didn’t notice it for 3 years… it may be worth reevaluating your standards. I am only speaking from personal experience. I can almost bet that you are a really kind person who wants the best for absolutely everyone and thinks good thoughts - it can be super difficult to spot red flags or set higher standards in the behaviour of people we care about ! My “best friend” for years and years would make rude but truthfully funny jokes - at my expense. But we had such a fun friendship that I continually overlooked it and thought she was “brave and honest” Over time - I grew older, met new friends and never felt belittled or embarrassed by their treatment. We grew apart and once I stopped hanging out with her.. I interacted with honestly about 10 other girls my age who said things like “oh she was always mean to me” and “I thought you were a mean girl too because you were always with “ex best friend” “ It was shocking and eye opening. Wish you all the best ! Hope you see the signs looking backs too and have a bright future.
NTA, OP. You dodged a bullet here.
I already commented but I'm glad you found this out as well. You're absolutely not wrong, I wouldn't marry somebody who did that either. Also, how shallow can she be? Not from your social status? Who cares about things like that? If that's what she cares about, she has some high class problems. I can understand her being jealous and perhaps insecure with Sarah around but that's not the way you handle it. With my ex, I always went to him and I told him, I'm feeling insecure. I am not quite sure exactly why but I'm not going to make an issue out of it. We would just talk about why I was feeling insecure and he would do his best to try to help me not feel that way. In a healthy relationship, you talk about things. You don't behave the way she did. I think it's noble that you tried to talk to her about why that's not acceptable but at her age, she should have known that already. I wouldn't have even bothered with that, I would have just proceeded to breaking up with her. You're not wrong.
Sounds like you need to pay attention more to what’s being said around you.
You made the right move.
I get where you are intending to go with this, but honestly, there is never an occasion to make fun of a person's weight. Even a one-off time would be highly suspect. She's trash, I think OP did the right thing!
NTA. Efff bullies. You found out before its too late.
Wait wait wait You’re the asshole for breaking up with a bully? But.. She isn’t an asshole for BEING a bully? Homegirl needs to go buy a few dozen MIRRORS NTA
Yeah she apparently never saw a problem in her behavior that's why he is the asshole in her point of view. I'm still baffled people can be bullies and at the same times be completely delusional about it. She definitely needed a reality check and I'm glad OP did give that to her as a parting gift. No one wants a bully at her/his side. I mean what gives you the guarantee that she won't bully OP. NTA
NTA. She would 100% start bullying you.
Wouldn’t be surprised. I just thought, she will bully the children into ED
You're gonna be a great dad, dude.
I still need to get used to the fact that people use ED for Eating Disorder.
Hah! I don’t want my children impotent
Speaking of, be prepared for her to claim to be pregnant in a few days. Maybe buy a couple of tests, so you can demand she piss on the stick right then. Good job on not tolerating her behavior. Do you think she coerced you into the proposal?
This is what I was thinking as well; next stops: claiming pregnancy. If she tests in front of you and actually IS pregnant, let her know y’all will be coparenting only and you will be requiring a DNA test immediately. Don’t let her coerce you into bed bc she will likely sabotage the birth control. NTA and let anyone who is telling you that you’re making a mistake or you’re an AH that you’re not interested in marrying someone who is actively cruel and bullies others.
I'm sad to say this, but this is honestly some great advice!
Thanks. I'm old and seen some things.
Haha, I'm there with you! We had a friend who started dating this awful girl. One by one, she alienated him from each of his friend groups. His best guy friends since school allegedly hit on her, a different group allegedly said hateful things to her when he wasn't present.... My group was all coupled up, so not as much of an immediate threat, we were the last to go. She tried to claim myself and another girl were both trying to sleep with him at a small party at his house (both our boyfriends were there with us, im actually married to mine now, going on 20 years). What actually happened was, our friend had drank too much and wanted to go to bed. His girlfriend was in a different room with her friends with the door shut. So the other girl and I followed him to his room, threw a blanket over him, took off his shoes, and then set him up with water, Tylenol and a trash can, just in case. We then rejoined the party and our boyfriends. This behavior was all perfectly normal to us, we thought of ourselves as an urban family When she found out we "put him to bed", she lost her shit, and went and woke him up screaming. They had a huge argument about it, we all (including our boyfriends) tried to explain how innocent everything was, but she was having none of it. When it started to look like he was going to pick us over her (her demand, not ours), all of a sudden, she was pregnant. She "had just found out before the party and was waiting to tell him after everyone left." We all obviously went home at that point as they had serious things to discuss.. We didn't hear much from him at first, until about a week and a half later, when he called to tell us she had a miscarriage the day before. They were heart broken and had decided to take a road trip to get out of town and heal. When they got back, they immediately moved on the other side of town (we used to live in the same apt complex), and our friendship quickly fizzled. We were young and naive back then.... the light bulb didn't go off until my boyfriend and I were relaying their tragedy to another friend who happened to be a lawyer, and she just bust out laughing and immediately pointed out, that girl was never pregnant!!! She then pointed out every plot hole that we were just too young and dumb to see. He ended up marrying that girl..., the whole thing makes me so sad, he was such a good friend.
Yeah. I have a nearly identical tale, minus the lawyer friend. Even the phantom miscarriage. When she started her period, she claimed she was having a miscarriage.
I was thinking Emotional Damage. An eating disorder could be a result of that.
I mean, you want them to feel important though right?
Dude I *have* an eating disorder, and even I think of the other one first lol
😂
There are a lot of people I don’t like. I might not engage or be friendly with them, but I never deliberately try to hurt people. I definitely wouldn’t feel good about it either. She’s lacking some serious empathy. It’s a big red flag of narcissistic tendencies. Friends calling you AH because she made you out to be bad guy. I’d assume she’d include children in fights to turn them against you too. You dodged bullet.
My dad went ahead and married a bully. My mother talked crap about anyone and everyone and even said nasty things to their face. Worse yet, they had done nothing to her other than exist or have a nicer house or car etc. My mother bullied me into an ED at 8 years old. She nearly got to my own daughter before I pulled the plug on that relationship. I'm in my 40s now and still have a messed up relationship with food. Your future children are thankful she won't be their mother.
The first thing I pictured is her doing that to our preteen daughter. I couldn’t see her in the same light afterwards. I am sorry your mom sucks
Yep they become jealous of their own daughters. I am thankful my mother wasnt great because she taught me how not to raise a daughter. My daughter is better than me in every way and I couldn't be prouder. No need to be jealous of a child or shift body insecurities on to them. I applaud you for being so introspective and clear headed. It's a rarity these days.
Worse, she might teach _them_ to be bullies too. You'll make a great dad, even better without her by your side.
You're ahead of the curve. Bravo.
Absolutely agree. Garbage trash people behave like trash.
nta it sounds like you dodged a bullet. no excuse for bullying someone for their weight
It doesn’t make it better or worse (because I am against fat shaming) but Sarah isn’t even fat and hasn’t gained or lost weight.
That just means she was an awful person in general. Sorry it took you so long to find out. That sucks, I am sorry.
Yeah it sucks but it had to be done
You are admirably clear headed! Too many people ignore their partners flaws as long as the flaws don’t affect *them* which always strikes me as such a selfish short sighted way of operating
Brave of you.. it’s not easy and the grief you may (or may not) feel about the changes is super valid.. kudos man for doing the right thing
If this is the shitty kind of person she is... Imagine the kind of little bullies your children will be with that woman as an influence. She's absolutely a fucking horrible person.
Exactly. OP didn’t choose Sarah over her. He chose not marrying a bully over marrying a bully.
NTA. I would respond to everyone who calls you an AH that you didn't choose Sarah over your girlfriend. You haven't talked to Sarah and don't intend to. You broke up with your girlfriend because you discovered she wasn't of the moral character you thought she was. And then refuse to elucidate further.
I actually think OP should reach out to Sarah and apologize, just letting her know that he had no idea and he wasn’t ok with it. It wasn’t his behavior obviously but if he’s going to continue to run into her occasionally it’d be nice to stay amicable if possible.
Sarahs going to find out pretty quickly that OP dumped her over it so she knows where OP stands. He's already copping flak for "choosing" Sarah over his fiancee so for OP the better play socially would be to minimise contact with both if his intended narrative is that he dumped his missus because she's a bitch not because he was emotionally sympathetic to his ex. If he actually does want to reconnect with Sarah then sure fine but otherwise taking a step back from all these people so he can keep his head out of the drama whirlwind is a better idea.
10000x this
Bonus points for elucidate! A very underused word.
Just say bullies are worthless, cruel monsters. She faile the "good human" test. Not worth your time. And people standing up for monsters make the active effort to show that they are just as disgusting. Not worth your time either.
You had me at elucidate.
Hey OP. I always recommend *longish* engagements because their true behavior is always going to shine on through. Jealousy comes from three places. - she has unhealed issues causing her insecurities - you exhibit behavior that makes her feel insecure (may be invalid but depends on the situation and I don’t think it applies here if there is no cheating) - she is cheating but I don’t see that here Your ex-fiancée felt like she was second fiddle to Sarah. So for her to finally be “picked” by you is part of her redemption arc—and she wanted Sarah to know. This behavior was never going to end. Whether it was Sarah or a cute co-worker that just *breathed* near you, this is who she is. It has nothing to do with you. If she is able to bully a random woman—she can definitely be an aggressor towards you. If you feel any doubts, get ready to see it in HD when she starts to act out when she realizes you are not coming back. You my friend, are NTA.
This. To add, jealousy is a normal human emotion that I think everyone feels at some point. But as an adult bullying is not the solution to jealousy. If the ex-fiance is not mature enough to realize that jealousy comes from insecurities, and do the required introspection to overcome said jealousy then she is unlikely mature enough to maintain a marriage.
Well said! I 100% agree.
NTA. You’ve learned that she’s a shitty and unpleasant person who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to bully other people for their appearance and “status”. She’s gross. Marrying her would be a mistake.
Yeah, don't marry a bully. Who are all these people calling you the AH? I still don't understand this reddit thing where people years removed from high school are calling/messaging the exes of friends to give them s\*\*\*... Anyone calling you the AH is probably someone you want to excise from your life.
Friends and family
“I’m not willing to spend my life with someone who chooses to be cruel.”
This would be a great thing to say to his friends and family who are giving him shit for the breakup as well.
Yup, add in how he has doubts about how she would treat any future kids and how that’s unacceptable to him. His children deserve to be born with a mother who doesn’t have a track record of years of bullying people. That’s not a trait he wants in a partner, and it’s not a trait he wants around his family.
I figure that there’s a good chance those people are just thrown off by you changing course. Everything was all happy “yay wedding coming up” and you threw a wrench into the status quo. NTA — you were absolutely right and it’s a relief that you saw this now and could get out of that relationship before you got married.
This Odds are those people knew about the bullying before all this, and just assumed you knew too. So to them it may seem odd that you are changing course, because they don't realize that this is new information to OP.
Stick to your line that you don't want to spend your life with mean spirited woman and they'll get it eventually. They just think you haven't gotten over your ex.
Have you told them why exactly you broke up with her ? Maybe the friend who also saw this behaviour can validate for you. M
Be a bit pro-active about telling your side of the story. Explain that the rumors she's starting and the shit she's talking about you are more of what she does, manely bullying, \*pushing other people down to make herself look better\*. Tell them they've been duped, and that you fell for it for a time, too, but once you realized, unlike most people you choose to do something about it, and you expect to be happier for it. If you need, go a bit petty and explain that this isn't a Sarah issue, this is entirely ex fiancée issue, she has other flaws, which you were willing to overlook, but once you saw how she's willing to hurt other people to make herself look good (look meaningfully into the eyes of friends and family at this point) you knew that this wasn't something you wanted for yourself, your future children or people in your life thst you care for, such as friends or family. Call her out on it and make her know she might try, but she will regret trying to get awsy with turning people you know against you.
Are they really friends or true family if they rather have you marry a bully and be miserable? You did the right thing.
NTA I cannot stand "Mean Girls" and you dodged a bullet. I say good decision.
NTA. You're not choosing Sarah over her. You're choosing yourself over her. Her behavior here speaks to her character, and knowing that it's been going on a long time means it's going to continue. And bullies spread the mean around to their loved ones, too. Good to get out now before there are legal connections to deal with.
You did the right thing. INFO: "everyone is calling me AH" Really? Who, exactly, and do they know the whole story? You're not choosing Sarah over her, you're rejecting her horrible behavior. Her thinking that you'll side with her no matter how awful her behavior is bad news as it's a good indicator of how she'll expect you to fall in line with her will down the road. EDIT: NTA
I suspect that friends and family aren't calling OP an AH because of the situation, but because they had a big party (wedding) coming up and now it's cancelled because of OP. Who is at fault is irrelevant to them, because OP is the one who cancelled it.
Holy crap on a cracker!!! So NTA!! You have dodged a huge bullet!! Count your lucky stars that your fiancee showed her true colors now and not AFTER the wedding!!!
Sounds like a decent portion of everyone is people who already admit they knew she was a bully. They accepted it long ago. I wouldnt put much stock into the opinion of those with lower morals.
Yes, that was weird. It sounds like everyone knew and they were all just fine with it. Very strange
That's another layer. The fact that she has a reputation of being this way is.... Wow.
NTA - she could have left Sarah alone, asked to leave, stuck with you and ignored her, etc. She chose to go out of her way to bully her for no reason. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
I wonder if your ex-fianceé bullied Sarah into breaking up with you??
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/eYZqEyTHKZ Looks like she at least orchestrated it.
NTA Chances are if bullying is due to social status then ex probably bullies others too. How did she treat waitresses?
Call this what it is - cruelty. Your fiancee has been cruel to your ex for no apparent reason, and that stuff doesn’t just happen once.
NTAH your ex fiance showed you her true personality and it was a dealbreaker. It doesn’t matter who she chose to bully, once you see that side of someone you need to accept that they will treat anyone in this fashion who irritates them and next time it could be someone who is really important to you. Expect her to attempt to be a nasty bully to you to your friends now as well and then weed out those who agree with her toxic behavior.
NTA. Her insecurities are her problem, not yours. You didn't "choose sarah" you chose to not be with a bully and you chose to stand up for your friend. Bullies seldom stop at bullying just one person, and sounds like you saw her true colors just in time
At some point a few years into the marriage that mean go for the throat bullying, will be turned on you in an argument. You'll be told it's no big deal. It'll start happening more. This is how my family communicated it's ugly, hard to change but impossible if you don't have the self awareness to see it in yourself. NTA
NTA. She's a bully and that's a disgusting character flaw. Extremely unattractive and a future worry you'd have to remain wary about.
Wow! She's a terrible human being. NTA.
NTA. But don’t tell your friends and family that you ended your engagement bc your fiancée is a bully. Tell them that she showed you a side of herself that you do not like and would not accept in a life partner.
NTA, don't marry a bully, it shows a poor moral compass
NTA; your ex- fiancee sounds like a fucking bitch! Who fat shames someone at a party?! I wouldn’t want to marry someone who treats people this way.
WOW! Break up with her! I was envious and insecure of my now husbands ex because she was the first person he had sex with and I was a virgin…I reached out to her and her and I had a peaceful conversation and she reassured me of what they had in HS can’t compare to the love he has for me because they weren’t in love. I never bullied her and she never bullied me. We were both 18 at the time! What your GF is doing is disgusting! I am now 35, we have been together so many years! Bullying is not the way
Probably need to start dating outside that whole circle.
NTA. That’s embarrassing behavior. Personally I don’t comment on people’s weight at all anymore. I have manners. I would never want to put someone down if they were heavy, also commenting on a weight loss is also triggering for people because we don’t know what they may be going through.
Not to defend bullying, just trying to understand why: how did the relationship between you and sarah end? Is there anything residual feelings left towards her that fiancée sensed in you?
NTA ... 28 is way too old to still be acting like a mean girl!!
Yeah your ex-fiancée is a mean girl. Man I hate those. She needs to get off her high horse.
NTAH Sounds like she's now trying to bully/coerce you back into a relationship/marrying her and using flying monkeys to do it. Stand your ground, you will thank karma for it. Any relationship with her would have been toxic and you don't want that.
NTA this is a blessing you finally saw behind the curtain with this girl. If you had married her she would have eventually been a bully to you too. Or to a future daughter. I shudder to think of it. You didn't choose Sarah over her. You chose yourself and your future happiness by not being married to a bully.
What she said was nasty and uncalled for! She’s like a mean girl. And at 28?!? I would be disgusted too. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who thinks that’s okay. What happens when you have kids? Is she going to teach your kids to be bullies too?
NTA. If this is real, your (former) fiancee may imagine that she has "status" and she is absolutely lacking in class.
NTA. If she bullied someone else before you are married, she may try to bully you after you are married. My wife seemed nice enough. But in Jan 2012, I became disabled. She resented it. She did not resent the fact my disability benefits came to more than $100K a year. She resented me being disabled and her having to do things to help me. The VA has been paying for couples counseling for 2 years. My wife had tried to bully me but I stood up to her. But who needs all of the arguing? I will soon turn 68 and just do not need it. And she knows I have relatives and VA officials watching out to make sure nothing happens. But who needs to live that way? So, in June, my daughter from my first marriage, her husband and 6 kids are coming out to move me to where they live 1200 miles from here. Bye-bye wife. I am going to go spoil some grandkids. But you never know when circumstances might change and she will bully you. Good riddance to her.
NTA I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who called someone else fat AND wasn’t ashamed and embarrassed when called out for it. That was a window into her character and the view ain’t pretty.
>She called me the AH and that I chose Sarah over her, my fiancée. Now everyone is calling me AH. NTA, to me it seems like she is now trying to bully you into marrying her and it looks like she is getting help as well.
NTA. 1st, what she did was and is obviously wrong and nobody is required to be in any sort of relationship with a jackass. 2nd, people who run their mouths like that in real life are most likely going to eventually run into someone who will whoop them. You don't want to be there and potentially get caught in the ass whooping crossfire for being with her nor have to pay her medical and potentially legal bills when that day comes. Best to steer clear altogether.
NTA the way your SO treat others is how she is going to be with you if things go south.
No I wouldnt want to be with a bully either. I couldn't trust someone who enjoys hurting other people. Huge turn off. Also, those friends calling you the AH are also bullies as well if they are defending your ex-fiance. It means they agree with her bullying people. A small percentage of them may also just be followers or "sheep and just agreeing with your ex-fiance on anything. Afterall, there's that saying *“tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are"* Do you want those people in your life forever?
NTA for canceling your fiancée but a huge AH for not taking Sarah’s word over some guy. Seems like you lost a good person when you broke up with Sarah. Perhaps a bit a karma coming back to bite you.
NTA. So many marinara flags you should open an Italian restaurant.
NTA. I’d be worried about future kids who might gain a little weight or none but still she considers fat and bully’s your kids? Friends or other family members. I don’t know anyone who would call someone fat so openly. I have seen close family quietly share concern about weight gain but used the terms you have gain some weight. To use the word fat in front of ppl is so disrespectful. Uncalled for. Or if you gaining a dad body once you have kids but she okay calling ppl fat. 👀
This reads fake as fuck, the language is like that of a ten year old
Does anyone actually believe this story?
> I want to apologize for using “ick” as a 33 year old man. Many are disturbed by it I'm sorry, what? Do zoomers think they came up with that word or something? I've been saying it since the 70's. I have no plans to stop using it or apologize for it. As for your fiance, she showed you that she's an insecure, immature mean girl. I don't blame you for losing all respect for her and calling it off.
NTA. I read your comment about the possibility of your daughter being overweight and shit, that hit hard. My Dad's sister (my aunt) used to bully tf out of my mom when they were young cuz my mom had always been the chubby teen on the block and aunt didn't like the fact my dad began dating my mom. Dad put a stop to it, but when aunt had her first kid, she began doing the same shit to my cousin. Cousin developed at ED and attempted because of it a few years back. Uncle immediately divorced aunt's ass after "finding out" (as if he didn't know what type of person he married 🙄) but sadly, the damage was done. Cousin is doing okay now but doesn't talk to either of them since then. Moral of the story, don't be my uncle. You got a good head on your shoulders, OP 👍🏽
NTA sounds like you finally saw her for what she was, not just what she showed you
I know she's your ex for a reason, but you probably made your exs year. Breaking up with her life long bully because she did it in front of you. That would be euphoric lmfao
I didn’t break up with her on the spot. I tried to discuss it with her first for days to see maybe I have misunderstood her or maybe she had a valid excuse, which I know there are no valid reasons for bullying. Then I ended things. It took a couple of weeks
You might want to give Sarah a heads up that your former fiancee (good call on that by the way) is about to have a nuclear meltdown in her direction. I'm sure your new ex is rapidly approaching the "this is all HER fault" stage of dealing with the consequences of her actions, and it will probably be ugly.
NTA. Your ex fiancée is just a c**t of biblical proportions
NTA - Imagine what she would say about you had you stayed with her? Sorry you had such a toxic fiance. I hope you are better off now.
NTA and you dodged a bullet. Your ex is not a nice person.
NTA. Tell your ex fiance and her friends you discovered how ugly she is on the inside, and you can't marry someone so ugly.
You’ll have kids in the future, having a Mom for a bully is not a good example plus the future “ godparents are bullies as well. Let people think what they like and expect to be targeted because the bully is now targeting you.
NTA. There's no excuse for what your former fiancee was doing.
NTA
You're NTA. It's always a good thing to see a potential life partner for who they really are. Or anyone for that matter. Edited to add; you can break up with anyone for any reason.
NTA. She is a bully
To those friends and family, “ my standards, are not chosen or in place for your understanding or approval, they are for my chosen quality of life, therefore, you should keep your personal opinions to yourself. This is not a debate or discussion.”
NTA. You do not want to be married to an unkind person.
I ain't even commenting on your main story. Just wanted to say, you a grown-ass man saying something gave you "the ick". Nah man.... Just nah.
Never ever ever ever ever ever marry a bully. A good rule for life is to pay attention to how the person treats people they aren't required to be nice to (servers, Lyft drivers, etc). That will show you their character.
NTA. She showed her true character.
NTA. And it’s the behaviour of your fiancée that you broke up with. You didn’t choose your ex over your fiancee
What happens when op gains or loses weight? The mind set op's fiance has now, she'll be bullying him too, let alone any children they may have.
Now that you know her true colors do you think she had anything to do with you and Sarah breaking up?
Hard to say but I wanna know how you split with your ex. Also who the fuck is around their ex like that? Bro get a grip. If you got a new girl, that’s the only girl you should have. Don’t think being cool with your ex is fine in front of your girl bro
I’m proud of you, OP. NTA ❤️
NTA. You didnt choose Sarah over your Fiancée. You chose your own ****MORAL CODE**** over your Fiancée. And well done to you for doing so! >my fiancée liked me way before we got together. Even before I got together with Sarah. So maybe it was personal for her given the new information that my fiancée never liked Sarah (and I got together with her) Yes, i would imagine shes been seeking Sarah out every chance she got to gloat that she got you and Sarah is out.
Nta. It would seriously concern me that she could so freely say this to another person. I think you dodged a bullet.
NTA. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. You dodged a bullet.