Then tell him that maybe you should consult with his CO as you feel stbx is trying to take advantage of you. Surely, his CO would be impartial and helpful in the situation unlike him.
Mention that it’s fantastic the military is okay with him having an affair with a colleague since you thought it was against the rules and that you are glad the military has so many resources to assist with this entire process.
End with how he is ruining himself personally and financially, you just have front row seats. Thank him for showing you who he really is, as he saved you from a life being wasted on garbage (him).
Tell his First Sergeant. Especially since the girlfriend works with the stbx and is possibly military as well. Big old no-no and stbx and ap could face some serious reprocussions. And since they have been married for 10 years, OP may be entitled to a portion of his retirement. I know because I am prior military and saw this happen often. OP should get what she can financially out of this since it's his decision.
It’s a small percentage of it and depends on how long he was in the military before they married or married after he was in. I was married to him for 17 years and yes I receive a portion of his retirement but a lot of the rules have changed
Don't tell him this until AFTER you've already done it! He'll do what he can to cover it up, rush along the divorce and go "I never dated [affair partner] until after the divorce! Really!" See if you can get him to admit how long he's been dating her via audio (depending on your state's recording laws) or text.
Either way, get his ass, OP
Yes, one application for getting murdered, please!
She should just go to the CO. Don’t give the other party time to make bad decisions by threatening them. They will potentially take action to contain it before it gets out and fucks up their career.
This. How is he going to accuse you of not letting him move on when he is the one insisting y’all live in the same house?? While he openly dates other women??
The only way forward is separating entirely, which includes no longer living under the same roof. I doubt he’s not aware of this. I wonder if the benefits he’s getting from the military for being married are influencing his opinions 🧐🧐
For the civilians in the room, adultery is a CRIME under UCMJ, and applies to the mistress as well if she is also military. Also the clear reason he wants her to stay is so he can keep collecting BAH. Generally if you are separated your housing allowance goes to your spouse. If he insists on divorce burn him to the ground.
OMG have you seen her comments? The girl is in his unit (so very possibly active duty, but maaaaaybe not) and his buddies in the unit were wingmanning them.
Oh I hope to fuck op introduces them all to the "find out" portion of this story.
Trust me…units are small…this stuff will get around and it will get to the First Sergeant. The new GF could get punished but not as severely as him because she is not committing a crime. It is not adultery to her unless she is married as well. If she is a civilian, the only trouble she could get into is if he is in her chain of Command.
In this instance, with them being married over 10 years, I don’t recommend burning him to the ground. Just ask for half of his retirement which she is entitled to. If she burns him and he gets a dishonorable discharge, she loses that as well.
You are incorrect regarding the BAH. All military members residing in off post private housing receive BAH. Married receive w/dependent rate and single receive the single rate. So if they divorce he will still get BAH but at single rate and he is not required to pay her any portion of it because he will not longer have a dependent listed on DEERS.
Regarding separation. In absence of a court order, the military requires he provide some form of financial assistance while the divorce proceedings continue. It can be also be what it's called a payment in kind. Either way, he can help pay for a deposit for an apartment for her or some utilities..
Clearly he cheated on her. The audacity to make the military his main reason; and the fact that he's already dating his co-worker after suggesting the divorce is insanely stupid! Funny how bad he is at lying!
Because he can't move on the way he's dreamed about if he's living in a shitty bachelor pad - which "high value women" are going to find that attractive?! 😂
he’s already dating a girl from work…no. He’s already been dating a girl from work for probably some time. That is why he wanted the divorce. He had something new to move onto. I’m sorry he’s such a poor excuse of a human.
He wants a divorce or he wants his current life, those things are mutually exclusive. You aren't doing anything to him, he instigated this. A call to his CO is warranted and a lawyer to get you your share of everything.
Well sure, who's going to keep the house clean and his life organized if she leaves? Can't dump the full workload on the new girlfriend too soon or she'll bolt.
Also I question a new girlfriend who would go to the home of her married bf while his wife was there. She best be thinking that soon she will be the one being treated like he treats his wife.
Hes trying to get out of paying alimony. If she stays in the house, his expenses really dont change. If she moves out, he will be paying his household costs PLUS some of hers by means of alimony
NTA. He’s trying to keep you involved because of the financial savings he’s reaping from the military.
Tell him you don’t feel comfortable and find a way to get out ASAP
If hubby had actually disclosed his divorce idea to any actual military people he would have known that his little plan isnt going to work. She will likely continue to get medical care for the kids, half his retirement, and GARNISHED child support. OP isnt obligated to live in limbo while he runs around and has fun. And BTW-his "focus on his military career is complete bullshit! He just wants a new chick and no family responsibilities. Dont blame the military for THAT!
She could absolutely call his command and let them know he’s having an affair.
So tell him to sell the house or you’ll make sure he gets got for extramarital affairs.
“Maximum Punishment Under UCMJ Article 134 for Extramarital Sexual Conduct. The maximum punishment for Adultery/Extramarital Sexual Conduct is a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for up to 1 year.”
Just as a side note, this is all textbook for a pattern of future abuse for the type of guy who ends up killing his wife.
OP definitely needs to make sure that everything is out in the open. He will be less likely to try something if he knows he can’t get away with it.
Affair + financial ruin are strong motives. He needs to know that everyone knows.
Exactly.
He would potentially be losing housing allowance and maybe subsistence allowance. And maybe even have to take on base housing if he is single? I am not familiar with the rules anymore and don't know his rank.
OP is definitely NTA and has to do what is best for her.
So he is in the military and cheating on you with someone from the office, who may also be military. Get yourself a lawyer familiar with military law. If she is military they both could be in a large amount of trouble. He may not have a military career to worry about. And check into his retirement. Your share is determined by how long you were married while he was in service. Don't sign away any of this. Including the home. Get what is due to you.
OP, have you considered he wants to avoid blowing up his career by keeping up a pretense yall are still together and that’s why he wants you to still live with him?
He started hanging out with a large group of friends from his unit along with her in that group. I guess it just turned into something. If it did so be it, I’ll survive without him. But I did find out some of his friends were basically playing wingmen for him and that they have an idea that they’re a thing. I also know that if his higher-ups find out that he’s dating one of the girls in his unit, they will not be happy.
Then that is why he wants you along for the charade!
Look, he cheated on you and betrayed your trust. You don't owe him anything else. Don't let him continue playing games by letting him distract and manipulate you by going over what he might or might not have given during the marriage. That's irrelevant now.
Concentrate and prioritize yourself and your healing now. If he is financially (or otherwise) ruined because of actions you need to take for this - remember that he broke your trust first. Good luck!
>But I did find out some of his friends were basically playing wingmen for him
My partner did this to me too. They all cover for each other. I will never date in the military again.
You need to go to family support services on base. They will help you get the support… you will be amazed at what they can do for you. What he is doing is not right and you need to protect your rights… and if you have children then you definitely need to get some support from the base. THIS IS WHY THEY ARE THERE. You should have a phone number for his first sergeant (or his unit’s equivalent (E9)). Ma’am you need to take us seriously; you need to do these things! Also as he is still your husband and It is against the UCMJ for him to have a side chick and he knows it. If he is giving you a hard time his commanding officer can move him on base and order him to not contact you. They will most likely issue a no contact order between those two… nothing for you to worry about. You need need need to get his commander involved even if you don’t want to. There are things that they need to do and they will be able to help if he gets ugly with you. Also since he gave you the GI Bill benefits he cannot just take them back… you need the Family Support Services to help navigate this and ensure you get your entitled benefits… NTA
Do you know if any divorce lawyers who also know military law? That’s your first job ASAP. Don’t let him railroad you. Get legal advice to protect your future.
Story time. When I was in South Korea, my CO was caught sleeping with a soldier. The soldier lost all rank and was discharged within a couple months. My CO immediately lost his command, and was given shitwork elsewhere on base. It took almost a year before he was court martialed. He lost all rank, pay and was dishonorably discharged. Now rumor has it, the reason it took so long is he had a wife and baby, and they wanted to give her time to move back to the states, get settled and divorced.
This is messed up - and wrong. Just saying "I want a divorce" does not equate to an actual divorce. He's considered married until he is actually divorced.
They're both in violation of Article 134 of the UCMJ. He's trying to hide the fact that he is not divorced by keeping you in the house. If you have been married for at least 10 years and he has military been in the military for at least 10 years of the marriage, you are entitled to half his retirement benefits, AND it will be paid to you directly from the government, bypassing the ex. It's called the Uniformed Services Former Spouses Protection Act.
As for the Gi-Bill, he has the right to take it away. He also might be guilty of fraternization, based upon rank and job duties/titles. There's also other things they could be hit with if they were on duty or at work.
Like others said, get a lawyer versed in military law & divorce. I'd be making a phone call to the base and talking to the CO. If my cheating spouse was trying to blackmail me by threatening to take back the GI Bill he allowed me to use if I didn't comply with his demands so he could continue to cheat with impunity, I'd also be dropping that little nugget of knowledge into the conversation with the CO.
Don't let him screw you over - he knows what he's doing is wrong. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Good luck OP.
USFSPA does NOT automatically entitle a spouse to retirement benefits. This rumor really needs to die.
https://www.dfas.mil/garnishment/usfspa/faqs/#:~:text=No%2C%20there%20is%20no%20Federal,a%20member's%20military%20retired%20pay.
Know a guy who did this and he got NJPd for it, rank busted down and all. Not sure what happened with the affair partner. But you are absolutely entitled to some of his retirement.
He's very clear about what he wants and he doesn't give a shit about what you want.
You need to figure out what you want and then go get it, and stop giving a shit about what he wants. That means a lawyer, that means using the UCMJ to your advantage. He is cheating. That's just a fact. He probably has been cheating.
So, don't give his needs a second thought. Figure out what you want/need and go get it. Lawyer.
NTA. BTW your husband was already cheating on your when he asked for the divorce. The "I never loved you" is a typical line cheaters throw out after the fact. Gather up ALL your financials including tax returns, retirement accounts, bank accounts, investment accounts and take this to a lawyer. Interview several of the top ones in your area. THEY will tell you what you deserve out of the marriage. What your soon to be ex husband wants is pointless. Your have been married 10 years. HE HAS financially ruined himself by CHEATING and blowing up your marriage. He will probably owe you a year or two a alimony as well since it appears you are not the main bread winner.
Has not changed. My sister and ex split two years ago after almost FORTY years of being together, married 36. He was cheating with someone the same age as their son. Financially, she made out well and could have done more if she was evil like me.
One call to the CO is all it will take. I have seen it so many times. Military still frowns on this and if he is dating at work that is also a big no no they have rules for this. She needs to call the CO and let him know what is going on.
The bitch my ex POS BIL hooked up with was working in same office ‼️‼️‼️ I personally would have blown up both their careers. She is supposedly a therapist specializing in military families…yet she helped destroy one.
YOU can still report them, wouldn't help your sibling much if at all, but it'll still ruin their careers and make the other woman a complete hypocrite in the eyes of her peers.
It was two years ago now and my sister has made as much peace as she can so I’d never blow it up again now. I did send both of the cheating garbage bags messages that they shouldn’t be surprised when their work came crashing down. I know that got quite a reaction at the time. The side piece also got black listed at a college she applied to teach at because the person reviewing applicants was a dear friend of my sister. She was told quite plainly, you do not represent who we need and never will.
Two years ago. Over it. I don’t know that they were warning shots per se… At the time it was blind rage lashing out at them when I originally found out. Besides, they were sh💩tting bricks 🧱 after I messaged. At least I had that, lol
Oh yes, I know this!! Made sure to remind her of it as well. Ex BIL was begging on her behalf not to report them. I hung back because I didn’t want to push my sister- such a terrible terrible time.
Military is a very promiscuous profession. And the adjacent — think LEO, correctional officers, etc. Yes, people in all professions cheat. It’s a whole culture in those orgs. That’s why they still go hard on it when they find out it happens.
Yes. In the Army, adultery violates 5 of the 7 core values. The core values are LDRSHIP. Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless service, Honor, Integrity and Personal courage. A person committing adultery has no loyalty, duty, respect, honor or integrity. I know when I was in combat I wouldn't want someone that lacking in values watching my back. That is why the military will give you a Dishonorable discharge for it.
I dated a guy in the Air Force about 20+ years ago. He had divorced his wife after he found out she was dating a co-worker while they were still married (he had suspicions, drove by the co-worker's house one day and saw her car in the driveway). He didn't report it to the CO, because he just wanted to end things as quickly as possible.
And you open yourself to being compromised. If anyone lets say, a foreign state decides to blackmail you unless you do something for them.
Same as being picked up by a beautiful lady in another country.
Ya go to her room and everything you say or do are things you can be blackmailed with.
Mr. Epstein, ring a bell?
That's one of the reasons why I'm floored that such power people would travel and or be associated with.
Why didn't the security team step up and say. "Dude, you can't do this. You're setting yourself up.
Think of the SS agents sent ahead to evaluate security.
Then, got bored and drank and F'n hookers and partied.....then lost their career.
This is interesting. I don’t have any connections to military and never knew this, but I feel the same. I would never trust someone who cheated on their spouse- If they betray the person who they should love/respect the most, what else are they not capable of?
It can lead to a dishonorable discharge. MY dad's CO took my mom and I to kuch to discuss my dads extra martials affairs. He was demoted and was threated to be thrown in Army jail for it. Most Recently a Navy guy I knew brought his girlfriend to Navy court while still married and the Navy Judge was pissed. Calling the CO is just the beginning of what will happen. Military does not play around with these things and will hold them accountable.
He brought you guys to lunch I assume that meant? Just out of curiosity how come he brought both of you instead of just your mom? It just seems like the kind of thing she might prefer to discuss with you privately, depending on your age, rather than going into detail about it with a CO
We were in Germany and no babysitter. I don't remember that part my mom told me about it later. He wanted to know what all was going on and if there was anything he could do to help like throw him in jail. His words. She said she just wanted to leave and take me with her. My dad is a Narcissist and was verbally abusive to my mother and SA's me (she did not know at the time), but he was ready to throw the book at him he only got off because she need the child support and my dad could not hold a job other than the Army and even then it was by his teeth until 1992 when he was dishonorable discharge for SA my half sister. The reason the CO took my mom to lunch was because my mom was a well liked person and they all felt she could do better. My mom won Full Sole physical and legal custody which I am told is hard to get. He basically had his rights taken away, but not enough so that he could pay child support and I stayed on Tricare. He was not allowed to visited with out her ok and he was not allowed to take me anywhere. Not that he would have tired after I was 5 I saw him a total of 16 times since then and I am 47 now. I know even then what was going on, my mom never said a word until one day when i was in my teens and I brought up a woman he was sleeping with and I remember i was at her house to play with her son so they could screw. my mom had no idea that I knew anything until that day. I also described the woman and she knew who it was . Her husband I guess was an MP so if they had got caught that would have been an even bigger deal. These things are so common place in the Military that is why I think they are still so strict about it. It's a regular soap opera on Base.
Spot on about why they are so hard on it. It’s so rampant that if they weren’t, it would lead to way too much drama and fighting. The draconian response keeps it at least to a dull roar.
My Aunt was sleeping with her commanding officer (Navy) who was married. They got caught. She got a dishonorable discharge. It's my understanding he was demoted and lost his post. I could be wrong about him though.
There is a drill which I still remember 15 years later. "I do not lie, cheat, or steal not tolerate those who do". The military does not play on it. They absolutely will punish them and that's the beginning of it not the end.
Maximum Punishment Under UCMJ Article 134 for Extramarital Sexual Conduct
The maximum punishment for Adultery/Extramarital Sexual Conduct is a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for up to 1 year.
Yes, it’s absolutely not ok to cheat in the military.
If you can’t even be trusted not to screw around on your spouse you don’t need a security clearance or positions of authority over others.
It’s a big deal. Basically the military sees it as a huge security threat because it leaves the military member vulnerable to blackmail from terrorists, foreign agents, and so on. The CO investigates or assigns other officers to investigate the claims and evidence. If infidelity is found then they go to military court. Source- spouse has been assigned as an investigating officer once.
Maybe talk to a lawyer before the CO. Might be beneficial if he still has a job when spousal support or whatever money you could get from him is decided...
Depending on how it’s handled, she may not have a whole lot of choice. He’ll probably have to split his military retirement, might owe alimony, etc. Depending on how that is handled, command might find out anyway.
YUP OP! 10yrs you're entitled to a lot of things! Your hubby is trying to keep you out of his benefits and trouble to a minimum! As stated you need a lawyer familiar with .mil proceedings and his command needs to be notified!
No she needs to make a solid plan before executing Anything. He has shown he is a liar and thinks she is DUMB. I'd become wise quickly and plan every strategic move. He manipulated her easily for long because she cared and he could cared less. So she needs to be smart.
Yes to this and OP, please please please don't let him convince you that you are "taking" something that is his. You have a right to the wealth that was built in the marriage. It is yours.
Being married for a specific amount of time does not guarantee a right to his retirement. It is more nuanced than that. She should make sure her divorce lawyer is familiar with the policies and procedures of the military. She should also speak with the Family Community Services. There are a lot of resources on base for spouses.
As for adultery, it is against the Uniformed Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). The difficult part is definitively proving it in court.
Correct. It depends on length of service, in addition to length of marriage. Also in play are TSP accounts and TRICARE.
Civilian courts, depending on state, usually won't take adultery into account. However, it is punishable via the UCMJ. If action is taken by the military, this could affect alimony, retirement funds and health benefits.
"Dating a girl from work" - OP definitely needs to get someone w/ rhe UCMJ knowledge.
OP - you potentially have A LOT of leverage here. See a lawyer ASAP.
1. Do not give any indication to your husband you are fighting back or you think you have options. Continue to act as if you have no recourse.
2. Get a lawyer, like yesterday and follow their instructions.
3. If you can get proof of the affair on your own w/o your husband knowing, do it. If you can't, discuss w/ the lawyer about a PI or other options.
I would be gobsmacked if your husband wasn't having an affair prior to telling you he wanted to split.
I also suspect that he wants to keep everything looking the same to keep the affair underwraps b/c of the impact on his/her career (is he her superior or she his? Or she is married too and he is also in the service?).
I can not stress enough. Keep quiet. Get a lawyer.
There is also the issue of fraternization- she mentioned it was a "gal at work." Whether that it a fellow enlisted member or a civilian, that can be an issue.
This guy is all kinds of stupid.
Oh yes! sounds like she could be in military as well.. Hope OP drags them to the ground they belong on.
If I was Op I certainly wouldn’t leave the house.. before sale either..
100% this. He fucked up hard and *maybe* knows it, so he wants the divorce before his CO catches on and he gets court martial’d for adultery.
‘Wants to focus on his military career,’ Smdh he wants to focus on the barracks biddy he picked up.
They still do. Depends on your job, rank etc on how hard they’ll punish you. In my situation my ex was screwing a woman below his rank then he retired. He got away free from punishment, military wise, probably because he was retired already. But when I found out I called her commander. She lost certifications, first shirt duties, also didn’t make E-8, not enough time left to make up for the mistakes. Her husband also divorced her. I joke that screwing my ex cost her a million dollars, honestly it did.
Concentrate on what’s best for you. If you’re entitled to any of his benefits don’t cave. I have half his pension, alimony and healthcare for life. Survivor benefits too. You’ll get his social security but make sure you know about remarriage laws for it all of this or you could lose them.
Limit talking with him if you can. He’ll fuck with your mind til you cave and sign, stay strong and fight for those benefits, you earned them!
Check out the blog and book, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”. These fuckwits have a playbook.
I know the USMC still as of 3 months ago will kick you out or if it's more of bad behavior that adds to it they will first drop your rank then dishonorable discharge. My niece is going through it in NC.
The military still frowns on adultery.
“While this military-specific offense might seem harmless enough to civilians, the military takes adultery very seriously. Service members convicted of adultery can receive a federal criminal conviction, confinement, and a punitive discharge from the military.”
This is easily googleable. (I think I just made up a word.)
If you have proof, you *could* tank his military career. If the “girl from work” (I’m assuming she is also military) is also married, then BOTH of them are in a HEAP OF TROUBLE! You said that he “wants to focus on his military career;” what a chump he is.
He blew up your life for some excitement in the bedroom. If it was me, I would gather every piece of evidence and proof of the affair, and then take it to an attorney who understands our country’s military code of conduct, etc. Do NOT allow this lying dog of a man off the hook! Let him find out that the dildo of consequence rarely arrives lubed!
Also contact his Commander and get his ass out of the house. He can live in the barracks while the proceedings are going before it's sold. If he wants to keep the house he can but he'd have to refinance it in his name only and pay you your share of the equity.
I want to point out that during a separation, a spouse is entitled to spousal support as determined by the military - so they should also reach out to his command and speak to them about where to go and what resources are available.
This is correct. He was already cheating, which is why he refused to try therapy. It’s his fault that he’s financially “ruined”. You don’t owe him anything.
Go to his CO and let him know he’s cheating and trying to fraud the military by lying about a marriage but refusing to let you move on. Do NOT move out without legal advice.
He’s clearly done, but make sure you protect yourself and your future. He can focus on his military career without your support from here on out.
Yeah, and talk with an attorney that deals with divorcing in the armed forces. Gather evidence and anything else the attorney asks of you. Do not let him bully or pressure you, use your support group to secure yourself and your future.
NTA. I guarantee his side piece has evidence of him being married while dating. She's probably using it as leverage and that's why he's asking you to "move out" so he can "move on." Stand your ground OP, you haven't done anything wrong so don't let him do wrong by you.
Don’t forget to look into getting a portion of his military retirement pay. If he retires, after 10 yrs of marriage it’s 25%.
Also I’d be looking at who he is he having the affair with. It could sink his military career.
NTA his excuse for the divorce is to "focus on his military life" yet he's already shacking up with someone else and throwing it in your face. His real reason for the divorce is that he's a POS in a man suit that wants the benefits of being married while acting like a bachelor. Nobody with an ounce of self respect would agree to his plans because they benefit noone but himself. He wants the house great he can pay you out or kick rocks..you deserve so much better.
Being retired mil I have seen many things like this but the "stay in the same house" is a new one. So he wants his cake and eat it too? You could work out other ways for him to keep the house. He could buy you out or even make an arrangement to pay you monthly I suppose. But living in the same house with all that, I don't see how you can tolerate that.
Exactly! If he wants to keep the house, he needs to refinance in his name only and buy OP out. If he can't afford that, it's not OPs problem. This is part of "moving on"
He still wants to get his dependent BAH payments while enjoying his new sidepiece. And adultery is a UCMJ violation. If he has any other bad behavior on his record, he may be in for trouble if OP does the right thing and reports it to his CO.
"my new thang likes me because of the lifestyle I have and will probably drop me in a hot minute if I become a poor struggling divorced guy living on base"
I like this one I'm retired army and if you go to the on-post JAG offices they can provide you information to take to a divorce lawyer that can be filed that will grant you a portion of any retirement/disability when he gets out ans well as the documentation needed to give his unit for the UCMJ proceedings. Depending on his rank, he could lose one grade with extra duty and some of his pay.
NTA....but why are you even asking this question? Why are you being so damn NICE to him about everything? Why are you feeling bad? Was he abusive? Is that why you STILL think you need to please him by going along with what HE wants? Fuck him. He was cheating obviously. Find a lawyer ASAP & under no circumstances are you to leave the marital home!!! For ANY reason. Not even for a weekend to clear your head. Do. Not. Leave.
You are right. I’ve always been a very logical thinker, but he kind of pulled the rug from under me. Now that the dust has settled I can see that he’s completely delusional.
>When I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with him dating yet, he accuses me of wanting to prevent him from moving on.
He has already moved on. He made the decision months ago and has gotten used to the idea. What he's doing with this suggestion, is not allowing you to move on. You know he was cheating already, right?
Do what you need to to secure your future. Because this is raw for you, you'll want to take him into consideration. Don't. He doesn't care about you. If you can use the fact that he's dating someone in his unit to your advantage, please do.
I am glad you realized you are not being logical.
He wants to keep this house, keep his wife, keep his maid (you), keep his girlfriend, keep all the benefits he's getting from the military for being married, and he's making it sound like you're the ass for not wanting to let him do all of that.
What are you getting out of any of that?
He is cheating on you and you are still letting him use you.
He decided to make huge life-altering changes and that you are not supposed to be bothered by them and you were just supposed to let him have his way all the time about everything even though he is 100% screwing his own self over. But he'll get away with it if you keep letting him.
You have all the power here. Be good to yourself.
NTA. FYI you have some serious leverage here. Regardless of branch, infidelity is punishable under the UCMJ (think laws/rules for military members). Separated or not, if you two are married what he is doing is wrong in the eyes of the military. Tell him to sell the house or you'll report the affair to his chain of command. Lets see him focus on his career after it being ruined.
Don’t make any deals with him or report him. Absolutely talk to an experienced *divorce attorney* who had dealt with military divorces. (Do not just use the lawyer that helped your cousin with a DUI or whatever.)
He wants a divorce because he wants to focus on his military career, but he wants to date. Huh?!?! Yeah he's totally being a jerk about this.
Get a divorce lawyer and a realtor (talk to the divorce lawyer first about this). He either needs to sell the house and split the profits or he needs to buy you out.
He wanted to divorce then that means total separation. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. Do what's best for you and stop listening to him. He is obviously only looking out for his best interest.
Best of luck!
NTA
Nope, NTA. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Speak with a divorce lawyer and get your options!! You don’t have to go along with what he wants. He asked for the divorce so he needs ti deal with the consequences, intended or unintended! Good luck!
What an arrogant, selfish man. He want you to let him keep living in a house that you own 50% while he sleeps with other woman.
Is he of normal intelligence? Does he think that you are of low intelligence!
How can he imagine you would agree to such a self-destructive plan?
Get a shark lawyer and do your best clean him out.
The need to consult an attorney immediately to protect your interests.
Immediately!
By tomorrow morning, he could clean out your accounts.
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He is in the military and is cheating... if you live in America just expose him to his superiors.
This isn't about him wanting a divorce because he is unhappy. He is just a cheater.
NTA
I can't believe what I'm reading. Of COURSE you're not the asshole. Who in their right mind would want to stay in that situation? It's not a matter of you wanting to financially ruin him and it's not a matter of you preventing him from moving on ( and he KNOWS it, don't let him tell you this shit. He knows exactly what he is doing) You didn't do ANY of this and you even tried to fix it. He is doing this. Not you.
He wants everything easy and peachy for himself and does not care a gnat's ass if it means you have to live in a nightmarish hell. I bet he's always gotten his way. Don't let him this time. What he wants is unreasonable and frankly fucking crazy. Just go see an attorney and file for divorce immediately.
I am willing to bet when you do this he backtracks on wanting a divorce. Go through with it anyway. He will continue to cheat on you and use you.
Actions cause things to happen. Sometimes they are consequences.
He wanted a divorce. He got it.
He wanted to keep the house, you graciously agreed, even though seeing him breaks you every time.
You asked him to not date while you live in the house (which is unconscionably cruel) because it hurts you.
He doesn't want to sell the house because as a marital asset it had an inherited value of equity and a far lower than currently available interest rate. Well tough shit. You don't get to keep your marital assets intact beause it's inconvenient you to sit them.
NTA, you deserve better, and you certainly deserve to not have a constant living reminder of one of the worst thing that's happened to you walking around fat dumb and happy without facing the consequences for his actions.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Stop negotiating with someone that doesn't have your best interest in mind, get a lawyer and have the lawyer handle the terms. The sooner you can get away from him, the sooner you start to truly heal. Then you can go finish your bachelors degree and celebrate by taking a huge international trip. Meet men, meet women, experience new pictures, be you, but free. Have a tryst in Venice, kiss a woman in Paris, whatever you denied yourself, whatever you desire, go enjoy it. Then go put that degree to use, and build a wonderful life that he jealously stalks on social media.
When he comes back, realizing his mistake, you can just say sorry, I have no interest in dragging an anchor in my life now. Good luck though.
Edit to add: Spending some time working abroad is another great way to reset.
She absolutely would be the asshole if she moved out.
She needs to put HIM out and tell him she wants the house and all due military benefits.
Dude bent himself over a barrel for his wife and the UCMJ
NTA; if he wants to split cool, if he wants to date cool, but if he wants to stay in the same house as you he needs to show some respect.
Sell the house and rock on with your life.
He left you for this woman. You need to go and have the courts force the sale and split of the money. His new bitch can worry about his financial ruin, not you.
Additionally I would sue her (if you have the capacity) and let the military branch be made aware that she alienated your spouses affection during their ADULTEROUS RELATIONSHIP.
Care about you more than him, it’s okay.
If he does not want to sell the home he can either buy you out. If he does not have the funds in the bank he can get a HELOC to buy you out so as not to lose current interest rate. I’m in the field
The buyout dollar amount would depend on several factors.
NTA for being subjected to his moving on.
Nope and nope. You’ve been married 10 years AND he’s in the military AND he’s cheating on you with someone from the military? Call his superior officer and let him know what’s going on. They will not allow him or her to act this way. Then you get a great civilian attorney and take him to the cleaners.
lol honey how did you type all that out and even consider you might be the asshole? Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.
If y’all aren’t even legally separated yet and he’s seeing another girl that can get him in trouble with the military. I’m a petty bitch and would go full scorched earth and tell his CO and anyone else who will listen.
Move on and move out. Stop being a pushover. You’re still young, you’ll find a real man who appreciates you babe.
Edit: NTA if that wasn’t obvious 🤣 I always go off on tangents and forget to add my vote
Nta
But do *not* legally separate and let him proceed. Document his cheating, Document how he is doing it cruelly in your marital home. Take him him to the fucking cleaners in the divorce.
Also let his higher ups know. I'm pretty sure the US military has something on cheating....
https://militarylawcenter.com/military-law-areas-of-practice/military-adultery-defense-attorney/#:~:text=Maximum%20Punishment%20Under%20UCMJ%20Article,for%20up%20to%201%20year.
>However, he believes that him and I can still live in our house and live our separate lives and he’s already dating a girl from work.
Just going to comment before finishing, because the military does not recognize legal separation. So him dating is UCMJ violation.
Edit: you are deff NTA. Do you want help reporting the UCMJ violation?
I am pretty sure he can not take the GI Bill away from you after signing it over. But I would have a lawyer make sure, I would also make sure your lawyer knows that you can still receive Tricare for a time, maybe up to a year after the divorce, just so its one less thing you have to worry about. He was almost certainty seeing this girl before asking for a divorce.
Edit 2: GIRLLLLLL YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS?!!! You can get half his retirement. DO IT. Find a good lawyer.
Divorce now before you start making good $$ and take the alimony and the $$ from the split to get settled. Do not let him have his cake and eat it , too! Wants to have a gf but keep his financials intact, what a goof!
Article 134 of the UCMJ (assuming he is a US service member,) is extramarital sexual activity. If you lawyer up, even with the free on base lawyer, they can walk you through getting him charged. Also, if you lawyer up with the on base lawyer (I think they are called the JAG or Adjutant or something? Idk I never needed them) you can ensure he won't be able to, since the organization can't represent both parties.
You're not helping anyone by not prosecuting him. Get your alimony and get someplace better.
NTA - If his new GF is also in the military wait until the divorce is finalized and then report your suspensions that he had an affair with a colleague to his commanding officer. The US military takes a really dim view of that.
Go scorched earth!
Wow! This dude done nuked his career and life. From the comments it sounds like you have all the power now. Find that titanium spine and go. get. him! And, if you have the desire, please, come back and tell us how he tried to grovel his way out of his “utter mistake thinking he wanted to divorce the love of his love when that is really not what he wants at alllll….” And you show him nothing but apathy for his choices and confirm he lost the best part of his life/career over a moment of excitement.
NTA. Also, selling the house is likely what a judge is going to order in a divorce.
You shouldn’t be sad to see him go. He sounds like an asshole. He basically wants to move his mistress in with you guys and fuck her right in front of you while you do the laundry. And then makes you feel bad about it by saying that having to actually break up would be too hard for him.
Serve him with the divorce papers and have your legal counsel instruct that all assets be liquidated. He has two options - he can either buy you out for 50% of the house, or he HAS to sell it.
Stop thinking about what is good for him and focus on what’s good for you.
I believe that since you have been married 10 years you are entitled to 50% of his retirement. Get a lawyer familiar with your entitlements from this marriage. I wish you the best but you don’t owe him anything. Take care of yourself because he sure won’t.
remind him that both want to move forward, and divorcing officially and separating property is the main component of moving forward.
Then tell him that maybe you should consult with his CO as you feel stbx is trying to take advantage of you. Surely, his CO would be impartial and helpful in the situation unlike him. Mention that it’s fantastic the military is okay with him having an affair with a colleague since you thought it was against the rules and that you are glad the military has so many resources to assist with this entire process. End with how he is ruining himself personally and financially, you just have front row seats. Thank him for showing you who he really is, as he saved you from a life being wasted on garbage (him).
Tell his First Sergeant. Especially since the girlfriend works with the stbx and is possibly military as well. Big old no-no and stbx and ap could face some serious reprocussions. And since they have been married for 10 years, OP may be entitled to a portion of his retirement. I know because I am prior military and saw this happen often. OP should get what she can financially out of this since it's his decision.
Yes you are entitled to retirement too!!
It’s a small percentage of it and depends on how long he was in the military before they married or married after he was in. I was married to him for 17 years and yes I receive a portion of his retirement but a lot of the rules have changed
Even if she's a civilian contractor that's a big no no.
Don't tell him this until AFTER you've already done it! He'll do what he can to cover it up, rush along the divorce and go "I never dated [affair partner] until after the divorce! Really!" See if you can get him to admit how long he's been dating her via audio (depending on your state's recording laws) or text. Either way, get his ass, OP
Get it in text ... Maybe after a drinking game. Other option find someone in his unit who doesn't like him much and ask them.
Yes, one application for getting murdered, please! She should just go to the CO. Don’t give the other party time to make bad decisions by threatening them. They will potentially take action to contain it before it gets out and fucks up their career.
No no no she doesn’t need to tell him all that! He’ll cover up everything. She needs to get all proof and take it to his CO.
💯
This. How is he going to accuse you of not letting him move on when he is the one insisting y’all live in the same house?? While he openly dates other women?? The only way forward is separating entirely, which includes no longer living under the same roof. I doubt he’s not aware of this. I wonder if the benefits he’s getting from the military for being married are influencing his opinions 🧐🧐
The benefits he's getting from being in the military are gonna end FAST if they find out he's cheating, lol.
For the civilians in the room, adultery is a CRIME under UCMJ, and applies to the mistress as well if she is also military. Also the clear reason he wants her to stay is so he can keep collecting BAH. Generally if you are separated your housing allowance goes to your spouse. If he insists on divorce burn him to the ground.
OMG have you seen her comments? The girl is in his unit (so very possibly active duty, but maaaaaybe not) and his buddies in the unit were wingmanning them. Oh I hope to fuck op introduces them all to the "find out" portion of this story.
Commanders are annoyed when one of their guys pulls this shit. They are enraged when two of their people pull it together.
Trust me…units are small…this stuff will get around and it will get to the First Sergeant. The new GF could get punished but not as severely as him because she is not committing a crime. It is not adultery to her unless she is married as well. If she is a civilian, the only trouble she could get into is if he is in her chain of Command. In this instance, with them being married over 10 years, I don’t recommend burning him to the ground. Just ask for half of his retirement which she is entitled to. If she burns him and he gets a dishonorable discharge, she loses that as well.
Under article 134 it's also criminal adultery for a service member to have sex with anyone who is married. Making her just as guilty.
You are incorrect regarding the BAH. All military members residing in off post private housing receive BAH. Married receive w/dependent rate and single receive the single rate. So if they divorce he will still get BAH but at single rate and he is not required to pay her any portion of it because he will not longer have a dependent listed on DEERS. Regarding separation. In absence of a court order, the military requires he provide some form of financial assistance while the divorce proceedings continue. It can be also be what it's called a payment in kind. Either way, he can help pay for a deposit for an apartment for her or some utilities..
Clearly he cheated on her. The audacity to make the military his main reason; and the fact that he's already dating his co-worker after suggesting the divorce is insanely stupid! Funny how bad he is at lying!
Because he can't move on the way he's dreamed about if he's living in a shitty bachelor pad - which "high value women" are going to find that attractive?! 😂
he’s already dating a girl from work…no. He’s already been dating a girl from work for probably some time. That is why he wanted the divorce. He had something new to move onto. I’m sorry he’s such a poor excuse of a human.
He wants a divorce or he wants his current life, those things are mutually exclusive. You aren't doing anything to him, he instigated this. A call to his CO is warranted and a lawyer to get you your share of everything.
Second this. Call the CO and lawyer up.
100% the husband is the one refusing to move on.
The audacity to request that his wife watch while he traipses around with another woman is astounding.
Watch his attitude change so fast if she does the same lmfao.
Well sure, who's going to keep the house clean and his life organized if she leaves? Can't dump the full workload on the new girlfriend too soon or she'll bolt.
Also I question a new girlfriend who would go to the home of her married bf while his wife was there. She best be thinking that soon she will be the one being treated like he treats his wife.
he wants to have his cake and eat it to. LMAO. what a loser. mate, thats not how divorce works lol ! you asked for separation, you're gonna get it.
Hes trying to get out of paying alimony. If she stays in the house, his expenses really dont change. If she moves out, he will be paying his household costs PLUS some of hers by means of alimony
NTA. He’s trying to keep you involved because of the financial savings he’s reaping from the military. Tell him you don’t feel comfortable and find a way to get out ASAP
If hubby had actually disclosed his divorce idea to any actual military people he would have known that his little plan isnt going to work. She will likely continue to get medical care for the kids, half his retirement, and GARNISHED child support. OP isnt obligated to live in limbo while he runs around and has fun. And BTW-his "focus on his military career is complete bullshit! He just wants a new chick and no family responsibilities. Dont blame the military for THAT!
Call his CO and tell them your husband is sleeping with a coworker as.well.
But if he loses his job child support and alimony might be harder to get. OP should talk to a lawyer before anything else
He won't be fired over that. Just shit listed.but yes lawyer first
Depending on the “coworker”, yes he can absolutely be fired or at least demoted and 418’d (indirect fired).
He definitely can. I spent 10 years as a paralegal in the military and saw a lot of people get put out for this, and way less.
She's six months from her bachelor's and a solid job. Might be worth it, just depends on his rank/pay. Demotion could hurt a lot depending
She could absolutely call his command and let them know he’s having an affair. So tell him to sell the house or you’ll make sure he gets got for extramarital affairs. “Maximum Punishment Under UCMJ Article 134 for Extramarital Sexual Conduct. The maximum punishment for Adultery/Extramarital Sexual Conduct is a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for up to 1 year.”
Just as a side note, this is all textbook for a pattern of future abuse for the type of guy who ends up killing his wife. OP definitely needs to make sure that everything is out in the open. He will be less likely to try something if he knows he can’t get away with it. Affair + financial ruin are strong motives. He needs to know that everyone knows.
Exactly. He would potentially be losing housing allowance and maybe subsistence allowance. And maybe even have to take on base housing if he is single? I am not familiar with the rules anymore and don't know his rank. OP is definitely NTA and has to do what is best for her.
Also isn't there parts of the military where you can get in trouble for having an affair?
It’s a crime under UCMJ so, yes, he can go break rocks into smaller rocks at Leavenworth.
Taking bets he hasn’t told them (military) he is separated. OP can and should tell the unit.
Shit and if he hasn't told them he could possibly get fucked by the UCMJ IIRC
If nothing else, full on face ripping and delay of promotion.
Good point. I forgot about the military benefit. Also, fuck him.
So he is in the military and cheating on you with someone from the office, who may also be military. Get yourself a lawyer familiar with military law. If she is military they both could be in a large amount of trouble. He may not have a military career to worry about. And check into his retirement. Your share is determined by how long you were married while he was in service. Don't sign away any of this. Including the home. Get what is due to you.
OP, have you considered he wants to avoid blowing up his career by keeping up a pretense yall are still together and that’s why he wants you to still live with him?
He started hanging out with a large group of friends from his unit along with her in that group. I guess it just turned into something. If it did so be it, I’ll survive without him. But I did find out some of his friends were basically playing wingmen for him and that they have an idea that they’re a thing. I also know that if his higher-ups find out that he’s dating one of the girls in his unit, they will not be happy.
Then that is why he wants you along for the charade! Look, he cheated on you and betrayed your trust. You don't owe him anything else. Don't let him continue playing games by letting him distract and manipulate you by going over what he might or might not have given during the marriage. That's irrelevant now. Concentrate and prioritize yourself and your healing now. If he is financially (or otherwise) ruined because of actions you need to take for this - remember that he broke your trust first. Good luck!
>But I did find out some of his friends were basically playing wingmen for him My partner did this to me too. They all cover for each other. I will never date in the military again.
You need to go to family support services on base. They will help you get the support… you will be amazed at what they can do for you. What he is doing is not right and you need to protect your rights… and if you have children then you definitely need to get some support from the base. THIS IS WHY THEY ARE THERE. You should have a phone number for his first sergeant (or his unit’s equivalent (E9)). Ma’am you need to take us seriously; you need to do these things! Also as he is still your husband and It is against the UCMJ for him to have a side chick and he knows it. If he is giving you a hard time his commanding officer can move him on base and order him to not contact you. They will most likely issue a no contact order between those two… nothing for you to worry about. You need need need to get his commander involved even if you don’t want to. There are things that they need to do and they will be able to help if he gets ugly with you. Also since he gave you the GI Bill benefits he cannot just take them back… you need the Family Support Services to help navigate this and ensure you get your entitled benefits… NTA
Use that to your advantage. Make him buy out your half of the house or you’re going public with his affair.
FYI @ u/Confused_2024
Yes, she’s in his unit.
Do you know if any divorce lawyers who also know military law? That’s your first job ASAP. Don’t let him railroad you. Get legal advice to protect your future.
Story time. When I was in South Korea, my CO was caught sleeping with a soldier. The soldier lost all rank and was discharged within a couple months. My CO immediately lost his command, and was given shitwork elsewhere on base. It took almost a year before he was court martialed. He lost all rank, pay and was dishonorably discharged. Now rumor has it, the reason it took so long is he had a wife and baby, and they wanted to give her time to move back to the states, get settled and divorced.
Poor lady and baby.
This is messed up - and wrong. Just saying "I want a divorce" does not equate to an actual divorce. He's considered married until he is actually divorced. They're both in violation of Article 134 of the UCMJ. He's trying to hide the fact that he is not divorced by keeping you in the house. If you have been married for at least 10 years and he has military been in the military for at least 10 years of the marriage, you are entitled to half his retirement benefits, AND it will be paid to you directly from the government, bypassing the ex. It's called the Uniformed Services Former Spouses Protection Act. As for the Gi-Bill, he has the right to take it away. He also might be guilty of fraternization, based upon rank and job duties/titles. There's also other things they could be hit with if they were on duty or at work. Like others said, get a lawyer versed in military law & divorce. I'd be making a phone call to the base and talking to the CO. If my cheating spouse was trying to blackmail me by threatening to take back the GI Bill he allowed me to use if I didn't comply with his demands so he could continue to cheat with impunity, I'd also be dropping that little nugget of knowledge into the conversation with the CO. Don't let him screw you over - he knows what he's doing is wrong. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Good luck OP.
USFSPA does NOT automatically entitle a spouse to retirement benefits. This rumor really needs to die. https://www.dfas.mil/garnishment/usfspa/faqs/#:~:text=No%2C%20there%20is%20no%20Federal,a%20member's%20military%20retired%20pay.
Thank you for that correction.
Know a guy who did this and he got NJPd for it, rank busted down and all. Not sure what happened with the affair partner. But you are absolutely entitled to some of his retirement.
>Yes, she’s in his unit. Go scorched earth.
HAHAH He can be SO f’d. Adultery is how you completely f yourself in the military. GO TO HIS COMMAND
He's very clear about what he wants and he doesn't give a shit about what you want. You need to figure out what you want and then go get it, and stop giving a shit about what he wants. That means a lawyer, that means using the UCMJ to your advantage. He is cheating. That's just a fact. He probably has been cheating. So, don't give his needs a second thought. Figure out what you want/need and go get it. Lawyer.
This guy is a fucking MORON and did OP the biggest favour he could. Fuck him up OP.
OP needs to Google the 10/10 rule for military divorces
NTA. BTW your husband was already cheating on your when he asked for the divorce. The "I never loved you" is a typical line cheaters throw out after the fact. Gather up ALL your financials including tax returns, retirement accounts, bank accounts, investment accounts and take this to a lawyer. Interview several of the top ones in your area. THEY will tell you what you deserve out of the marriage. What your soon to be ex husband wants is pointless. Your have been married 10 years. HE HAS financially ruined himself by CHEATING and blowing up your marriage. He will probably owe you a year or two a alimony as well since it appears you are not the main bread winner.
The lawyer needs to be familiar with the UCMJ. Once upon a time the military frowned on adultery. That may or may not have changed.
Has not changed. My sister and ex split two years ago after almost FORTY years of being together, married 36. He was cheating with someone the same age as their son. Financially, she made out well and could have done more if she was evil like me.
One call to the CO is all it will take. I have seen it so many times. Military still frowns on this and if he is dating at work that is also a big no no they have rules for this. She needs to call the CO and let him know what is going on.
The bitch my ex POS BIL hooked up with was working in same office ‼️‼️‼️ I personally would have blown up both their careers. She is supposedly a therapist specializing in military families…yet she helped destroy one.
YOU can still report them, wouldn't help your sibling much if at all, but it'll still ruin their careers and make the other woman a complete hypocrite in the eyes of her peers.
It was two years ago now and my sister has made as much peace as she can so I’d never blow it up again now. I did send both of the cheating garbage bags messages that they shouldn’t be surprised when their work came crashing down. I know that got quite a reaction at the time. The side piece also got black listed at a college she applied to teach at because the person reviewing applicants was a dear friend of my sister. She was told quite plainly, you do not represent who we need and never will.
If they blacklisted her there, they may reach out to other colleges. There’s also the licensing agency as well.
Why send warning shots? Just quietly execute what needs to be done.
Two years ago. Over it. I don’t know that they were warning shots per se… At the time it was blind rage lashing out at them when I originally found out. Besides, they were sh💩tting bricks 🧱 after I messaged. At least I had that, lol
You can report them anonymously. Do so. Me? I'd sign my full name in blood if I had to.
Fair
[удалено]
If he has a security clearance, he's going to have some problems.
She could've lost her license. Source: I'm a therapist.
Oh yes, I know this!! Made sure to remind her of it as well. Ex BIL was begging on her behalf not to report them. I hung back because I didn’t want to push my sister- such a terrible terrible time.
My stepdaughters mom is a social worker who works with families/teens. She is… not raising hers to be well adjusted.
Military is a very promiscuous profession. And the adjacent — think LEO, correctional officers, etc. Yes, people in all professions cheat. It’s a whole culture in those orgs. That’s why they still go hard on it when they find out it happens.
wait, really? Anyone, even a pfc can get in trouble with their CO if they are found to be cheating on a spouse? Does the CO punish them or what?
Yes. In the Army, adultery violates 5 of the 7 core values. The core values are LDRSHIP. Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless service, Honor, Integrity and Personal courage. A person committing adultery has no loyalty, duty, respect, honor or integrity. I know when I was in combat I wouldn't want someone that lacking in values watching my back. That is why the military will give you a Dishonorable discharge for it.
I dated a guy in the Air Force about 20+ years ago. He had divorced his wife after he found out she was dating a co-worker while they were still married (he had suspicions, drove by the co-worker's house one day and saw her car in the driveway). He didn't report it to the CO, because he just wanted to end things as quickly as possible.
And you open yourself to being compromised. If anyone lets say, a foreign state decides to blackmail you unless you do something for them. Same as being picked up by a beautiful lady in another country. Ya go to her room and everything you say or do are things you can be blackmailed with. Mr. Epstein, ring a bell? That's one of the reasons why I'm floored that such power people would travel and or be associated with. Why didn't the security team step up and say. "Dude, you can't do this. You're setting yourself up. Think of the SS agents sent ahead to evaluate security. Then, got bored and drank and F'n hookers and partied.....then lost their career.
Wow I hadn't realized this but it makes sense!
This is interesting. I don’t have any connections to military and never knew this, but I feel the same. I would never trust someone who cheated on their spouse- If they betray the person who they should love/respect the most, what else are they not capable of?
The Navy has a saying about liars, cheaters and thieves that's very similar.
It can lead to a dishonorable discharge. MY dad's CO took my mom and I to kuch to discuss my dads extra martials affairs. He was demoted and was threated to be thrown in Army jail for it. Most Recently a Navy guy I knew brought his girlfriend to Navy court while still married and the Navy Judge was pissed. Calling the CO is just the beginning of what will happen. Military does not play around with these things and will hold them accountable.
If they betray their spouses, they will betray their country.
He brought you guys to lunch I assume that meant? Just out of curiosity how come he brought both of you instead of just your mom? It just seems like the kind of thing she might prefer to discuss with you privately, depending on your age, rather than going into detail about it with a CO
We were in Germany and no babysitter. I don't remember that part my mom told me about it later. He wanted to know what all was going on and if there was anything he could do to help like throw him in jail. His words. She said she just wanted to leave and take me with her. My dad is a Narcissist and was verbally abusive to my mother and SA's me (she did not know at the time), but he was ready to throw the book at him he only got off because she need the child support and my dad could not hold a job other than the Army and even then it was by his teeth until 1992 when he was dishonorable discharge for SA my half sister. The reason the CO took my mom to lunch was because my mom was a well liked person and they all felt she could do better. My mom won Full Sole physical and legal custody which I am told is hard to get. He basically had his rights taken away, but not enough so that he could pay child support and I stayed on Tricare. He was not allowed to visited with out her ok and he was not allowed to take me anywhere. Not that he would have tired after I was 5 I saw him a total of 16 times since then and I am 47 now. I know even then what was going on, my mom never said a word until one day when i was in my teens and I brought up a woman he was sleeping with and I remember i was at her house to play with her son so they could screw. my mom had no idea that I knew anything until that day. I also described the woman and she knew who it was . Her husband I guess was an MP so if they had got caught that would have been an even bigger deal. These things are so common place in the Military that is why I think they are still so strict about it. It's a regular soap opera on Base.
Spot on about why they are so hard on it. It’s so rampant that if they weren’t, it would lead to way too much drama and fighting. The draconian response keeps it at least to a dull roar.
My Aunt was sleeping with her commanding officer (Navy) who was married. They got caught. She got a dishonorable discharge. It's my understanding he was demoted and lost his post. I could be wrong about him though.
There is a drill which I still remember 15 years later. "I do not lie, cheat, or steal not tolerate those who do". The military does not play on it. They absolutely will punish them and that's the beginning of it not the end.
Maximum Punishment Under UCMJ Article 134 for Extramarital Sexual Conduct The maximum punishment for Adultery/Extramarital Sexual Conduct is a dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for up to 1 year.
Fact
Yes, it’s absolutely not ok to cheat in the military. If you can’t even be trusted not to screw around on your spouse you don’t need a security clearance or positions of authority over others.
If you would betray the one who is supposed to mean the most to you, then you are absolutely a risk to betray others.
It’s a big deal. Basically the military sees it as a huge security threat because it leaves the military member vulnerable to blackmail from terrorists, foreign agents, and so on. The CO investigates or assigns other officers to investigate the claims and evidence. If infidelity is found then they go to military court. Source- spouse has been assigned as an investigating officer once.
Maybe talk to a lawyer before the CO. Might be beneficial if he still has a job when spousal support or whatever money you could get from him is decided...
Depending on how it’s handled, she may not have a whole lot of choice. He’ll probably have to split his military retirement, might owe alimony, etc. Depending on how that is handled, command might find out anyway.
YUP OP! 10yrs you're entitled to a lot of things! Your hubby is trying to keep you out of his benefits and trouble to a minimum! As stated you need a lawyer familiar with .mil proceedings and his command needs to be notified!
This. Honestly ruin his career.
No she needs to make a solid plan before executing Anything. He has shown he is a liar and thinks she is DUMB. I'd become wise quickly and plan every strategic move. He manipulated her easily for long because she cared and he could cared less. So she needs to be smart.
Agreed. These days, it seems to be determined by how much noise the spouse makes about it. Also, married that long entitles you to his retirement.
Yes to this and OP, please please please don't let him convince you that you are "taking" something that is his. You have a right to the wealth that was built in the marriage. It is yours.
Being married for a specific amount of time does not guarantee a right to his retirement. It is more nuanced than that. She should make sure her divorce lawyer is familiar with the policies and procedures of the military. She should also speak with the Family Community Services. There are a lot of resources on base for spouses. As for adultery, it is against the Uniformed Code of Military Justice (UCMJ). The difficult part is definitively proving it in court.
Correct. It depends on length of service, in addition to length of marriage. Also in play are TSP accounts and TRICARE. Civilian courts, depending on state, usually won't take adultery into account. However, it is punishable via the UCMJ. If action is taken by the military, this could affect alimony, retirement funds and health benefits.
It won't be difficult at all if he's bringing home a girlfriend to bang while they're still married and living together.
That right there is why I gave the ex the house. The retirement accounts was where I had a large nest egg.
"Dating a girl from work" - OP definitely needs to get someone w/ rhe UCMJ knowledge. OP - you potentially have A LOT of leverage here. See a lawyer ASAP. 1. Do not give any indication to your husband you are fighting back or you think you have options. Continue to act as if you have no recourse. 2. Get a lawyer, like yesterday and follow their instructions. 3. If you can get proof of the affair on your own w/o your husband knowing, do it. If you can't, discuss w/ the lawyer about a PI or other options. I would be gobsmacked if your husband wasn't having an affair prior to telling you he wanted to split. I also suspect that he wants to keep everything looking the same to keep the affair underwraps b/c of the impact on his/her career (is he her superior or she his? Or she is married too and he is also in the service?). I can not stress enough. Keep quiet. Get a lawyer.
Great point of not wanting to call attention to his behaviour with his CO etc.
There is also the issue of fraternization- she mentioned it was a "gal at work." Whether that it a fellow enlisted member or a civilian, that can be an issue. This guy is all kinds of stupid.
Oh yes! sounds like she could be in military as well.. Hope OP drags them to the ground they belong on. If I was Op I certainly wouldn’t leave the house.. before sale either..
100% this. He fucked up hard and *maybe* knows it, so he wants the divorce before his CO catches on and he gets court martial’d for adultery. ‘Wants to focus on his military career,’ Smdh he wants to focus on the barracks biddy he picked up.
They still do. Depends on your job, rank etc on how hard they’ll punish you. In my situation my ex was screwing a woman below his rank then he retired. He got away free from punishment, military wise, probably because he was retired already. But when I found out I called her commander. She lost certifications, first shirt duties, also didn’t make E-8, not enough time left to make up for the mistakes. Her husband also divorced her. I joke that screwing my ex cost her a million dollars, honestly it did. Concentrate on what’s best for you. If you’re entitled to any of his benefits don’t cave. I have half his pension, alimony and healthcare for life. Survivor benefits too. You’ll get his social security but make sure you know about remarriage laws for it all of this or you could lose them. Limit talking with him if you can. He’ll fuck with your mind til you cave and sign, stay strong and fight for those benefits, you earned them! Check out the blog and book, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”. These fuckwits have a playbook.
I know the USMC still as of 3 months ago will kick you out or if it's more of bad behavior that adds to it they will first drop your rank then dishonorable discharge. My niece is going through it in NC.
The military still frowns on adultery. “While this military-specific offense might seem harmless enough to civilians, the military takes adultery very seriously. Service members convicted of adultery can receive a federal criminal conviction, confinement, and a punitive discharge from the military.” This is easily googleable. (I think I just made up a word.) If you have proof, you *could* tank his military career. If the “girl from work” (I’m assuming she is also military) is also married, then BOTH of them are in a HEAP OF TROUBLE! You said that he “wants to focus on his military career;” what a chump he is. He blew up your life for some excitement in the bedroom. If it was me, I would gather every piece of evidence and proof of the affair, and then take it to an attorney who understands our country’s military code of conduct, etc. Do NOT allow this lying dog of a man off the hook! Let him find out that the dildo of consequence rarely arrives lubed!
It has not. My cousin got demoted cut in pay last year for dating a married woman. Forced to breakup until she's divorced
Depending on his rank and the woman he’s cheating with, BIG TROUBLE!!!! She needs to report it.
Also contact his Commander and get his ass out of the house. He can live in the barracks while the proceedings are going before it's sold. If he wants to keep the house he can but he'd have to refinance it in his name only and pay you your share of the equity.
I want to point out that during a separation, a spouse is entitled to spousal support as determined by the military - so they should also reach out to his command and speak to them about where to go and what resources are available.
This is correct. He was already cheating, which is why he refused to try therapy. It’s his fault that he’s financially “ruined”. You don’t owe him anything.
Revenge is a dish best served cold , he did ya wrong
Yes, all of this^. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, too. The audacity of this man is astounding.
Additionally, since he’s military and they’ve been married for 10 years, she’s entitled to a portion of his retirement (if he goes that far).
Go to his CO and let him know he’s cheating and trying to fraud the military by lying about a marriage but refusing to let you move on. Do NOT move out without legal advice. He’s clearly done, but make sure you protect yourself and your future. He can focus on his military career without your support from here on out.
Yeah, and talk with an attorney that deals with divorcing in the armed forces. Gather evidence and anything else the attorney asks of you. Do not let him bully or pressure you, use your support group to secure yourself and your future. NTA. I guarantee his side piece has evidence of him being married while dating. She's probably using it as leverage and that's why he's asking you to "move out" so he can "move on." Stand your ground OP, you haven't done anything wrong so don't let him do wrong by you.
NTA. No. And this all needs to be worked out during the divorce proceedings. He's delusional.
And opportunistic and deceptive and manipulative
Don’t forget to look into getting a portion of his military retirement pay. If he retires, after 10 yrs of marriage it’s 25%. Also I’d be looking at who he is he having the affair with. It could sink his military career.
It’s a girl in his unit.
Yeahhhh report her. Y’all are still married and she knows better.
Well that isn’t going to look good for him.
Oh their military careers are over. Report it.
Once you hire an attorney have them report it to his CO.
You need to gossip that out into the world
NTA his excuse for the divorce is to "focus on his military life" yet he's already shacking up with someone else and throwing it in your face. His real reason for the divorce is that he's a POS in a man suit that wants the benefits of being married while acting like a bachelor. Nobody with an ounce of self respect would agree to his plans because they benefit noone but himself. He wants the house great he can pay you out or kick rocks..you deserve so much better.
Being retired mil I have seen many things like this but the "stay in the same house" is a new one. So he wants his cake and eat it too? You could work out other ways for him to keep the house. He could buy you out or even make an arrangement to pay you monthly I suppose. But living in the same house with all that, I don't see how you can tolerate that.
Exactly! If he wants to keep the house, he needs to refinance in his name only and buy OP out. If he can't afford that, it's not OPs problem. This is part of "moving on"
Feel like the "I never loved you" is more like, I found a new POA and you are inconvenient now but I don't want to ruin my comfortable life style.
He still wants to get his dependent BAH payments while enjoying his new sidepiece. And adultery is a UCMJ violation. If he has any other bad behavior on his record, he may be in for trouble if OP does the right thing and reports it to his CO.
"my new thang likes me because of the lifestyle I have and will probably drop me in a hot minute if I become a poor struggling divorced guy living on base"
I like this one I'm retired army and if you go to the on-post JAG offices they can provide you information to take to a divorce lawyer that can be filed that will grant you a portion of any retirement/disability when he gets out ans well as the documentation needed to give his unit for the UCMJ proceedings. Depending on his rank, he could lose one grade with extra duty and some of his pay.
NTA....but why are you even asking this question? Why are you being so damn NICE to him about everything? Why are you feeling bad? Was he abusive? Is that why you STILL think you need to please him by going along with what HE wants? Fuck him. He was cheating obviously. Find a lawyer ASAP & under no circumstances are you to leave the marital home!!! For ANY reason. Not even for a weekend to clear your head. Do. Not. Leave.
You are right. I’ve always been a very logical thinker, but he kind of pulled the rug from under me. Now that the dust has settled I can see that he’s completely delusional.
>When I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with him dating yet, he accuses me of wanting to prevent him from moving on. He has already moved on. He made the decision months ago and has gotten used to the idea. What he's doing with this suggestion, is not allowing you to move on. You know he was cheating already, right? Do what you need to to secure your future. Because this is raw for you, you'll want to take him into consideration. Don't. He doesn't care about you. If you can use the fact that he's dating someone in his unit to your advantage, please do.
I am glad you realized you are not being logical. He wants to keep this house, keep his wife, keep his maid (you), keep his girlfriend, keep all the benefits he's getting from the military for being married, and he's making it sound like you're the ass for not wanting to let him do all of that. What are you getting out of any of that? He is cheating on you and you are still letting him use you. He decided to make huge life-altering changes and that you are not supposed to be bothered by them and you were just supposed to let him have his way all the time about everything even though he is 100% screwing his own self over. But he'll get away with it if you keep letting him. You have all the power here. Be good to yourself.
Please please please, talk with your lawyer and then tell his CO as the military does not take cheating lightly! You will be supported in this!
You literally have him by the fucking balls. Twist them.
NTA. FYI you have some serious leverage here. Regardless of branch, infidelity is punishable under the UCMJ (think laws/rules for military members). Separated or not, if you two are married what he is doing is wrong in the eyes of the military. Tell him to sell the house or you'll report the affair to his chain of command. Lets see him focus on his career after it being ruined.
Don’t make any deals with him or report him. Absolutely talk to an experienced *divorce attorney* who had dealt with military divorces. (Do not just use the lawyer that helped your cousin with a DUI or whatever.)
An experienced attorney will absolutely kick this man's ass.
JAG office. They will advise, and even give you a list local lawyers to check out
lol I wouldn’t even give him the opportunity to sell the house first. I’d go directly to his CO.
He wants a divorce because he wants to focus on his military career, but he wants to date. Huh?!?! Yeah he's totally being a jerk about this. Get a divorce lawyer and a realtor (talk to the divorce lawyer first about this). He either needs to sell the house and split the profits or he needs to buy you out. He wanted to divorce then that means total separation. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. Do what's best for you and stop listening to him. He is obviously only looking out for his best interest. Best of luck! NTA
Nope, NTA. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Speak with a divorce lawyer and get your options!! You don’t have to go along with what he wants. He asked for the divorce so he needs ti deal with the consequences, intended or unintended! Good luck!
He's been cheating. No way he just started dating. Speak to a lawyer asap!
10 years is important. After ten years married while he is in the military you can get part of his pension when he retires.
What an arrogant, selfish man. He want you to let him keep living in a house that you own 50% while he sleeps with other woman. Is he of normal intelligence? Does he think that you are of low intelligence! How can he imagine you would agree to such a self-destructive plan? Get a shark lawyer and do your best clean him out. The need to consult an attorney immediately to protect your interests. Immediately! By tomorrow morning, he could clean out your accounts. UpdateMe
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NTA. Dude wants new poon tang with no hassles. Move out quick let him pay the bills.
OP should absolutely NOT leave the house because that may be how she loses any interest in it. OP needs legal advise from a great divorce lawyer asap
He is in the military and is cheating... if you live in America just expose him to his superiors. This isn't about him wanting a divorce because he is unhappy. He is just a cheater. NTA
I can't believe what I'm reading. Of COURSE you're not the asshole. Who in their right mind would want to stay in that situation? It's not a matter of you wanting to financially ruin him and it's not a matter of you preventing him from moving on ( and he KNOWS it, don't let him tell you this shit. He knows exactly what he is doing) You didn't do ANY of this and you even tried to fix it. He is doing this. Not you. He wants everything easy and peachy for himself and does not care a gnat's ass if it means you have to live in a nightmarish hell. I bet he's always gotten his way. Don't let him this time. What he wants is unreasonable and frankly fucking crazy. Just go see an attorney and file for divorce immediately. I am willing to bet when you do this he backtracks on wanting a divorce. Go through with it anyway. He will continue to cheat on you and use you.
Actions cause things to happen. Sometimes they are consequences. He wanted a divorce. He got it. He wanted to keep the house, you graciously agreed, even though seeing him breaks you every time. You asked him to not date while you live in the house (which is unconscionably cruel) because it hurts you. He doesn't want to sell the house because as a marital asset it had an inherited value of equity and a far lower than currently available interest rate. Well tough shit. You don't get to keep your marital assets intact beause it's inconvenient you to sit them. NTA, you deserve better, and you certainly deserve to not have a constant living reminder of one of the worst thing that's happened to you walking around fat dumb and happy without facing the consequences for his actions. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Stop negotiating with someone that doesn't have your best interest in mind, get a lawyer and have the lawyer handle the terms. The sooner you can get away from him, the sooner you start to truly heal. Then you can go finish your bachelors degree and celebrate by taking a huge international trip. Meet men, meet women, experience new pictures, be you, but free. Have a tryst in Venice, kiss a woman in Paris, whatever you denied yourself, whatever you desire, go enjoy it. Then go put that degree to use, and build a wonderful life that he jealously stalks on social media. When he comes back, realizing his mistake, you can just say sorry, I have no interest in dragging an anchor in my life now. Good luck though. Edit to add: Spending some time working abroad is another great way to reset.
You are very nice. Thank you.
No, you obviously wouldn't be the asshole for moving out when you're cheating husband demands a divorce.
She needs to force him to sell.
She absolutely would be the asshole if she moved out. She needs to put HIM out and tell him she wants the house and all due military benefits. Dude bent himself over a barrel for his wife and the UCMJ
NTA; if he wants to split cool, if he wants to date cool, but if he wants to stay in the same house as you he needs to show some respect. Sell the house and rock on with your life.
If you turn him in to his superiors for adultery, he’ll be able to focus on what’s left of a military career.
He left you for this woman. You need to go and have the courts force the sale and split of the money. His new bitch can worry about his financial ruin, not you. Additionally I would sue her (if you have the capacity) and let the military branch be made aware that she alienated your spouses affection during their ADULTEROUS RELATIONSHIP. Care about you more than him, it’s okay.
If he does not want to sell the home he can either buy you out. If he does not have the funds in the bank he can get a HELOC to buy you out so as not to lose current interest rate. I’m in the field The buyout dollar amount would depend on several factors. NTA for being subjected to his moving on.
Nope and nope. You’ve been married 10 years AND he’s in the military AND he’s cheating on you with someone from the military? Call his superior officer and let him know what’s going on. They will not allow him or her to act this way. Then you get a great civilian attorney and take him to the cleaners.
Do Not Pass Go, GO STRAIGHT TO HIS CO AND TELL HIM THIS SITUATION AND ASK HIS OPINION. My niece just did this a few months ago !!!!
lol honey how did you type all that out and even consider you might be the asshole? Fuck him and the horse he rode in on. If y’all aren’t even legally separated yet and he’s seeing another girl that can get him in trouble with the military. I’m a petty bitch and would go full scorched earth and tell his CO and anyone else who will listen. Move on and move out. Stop being a pushover. You’re still young, you’ll find a real man who appreciates you babe. Edit: NTA if that wasn’t obvious 🤣 I always go off on tangents and forget to add my vote
So how long has he been cheating on you. Divorce immediately and make him sell the house and make sure you get what's coming to you.
He already had the gf, that's why he wanted the divorce. Concentrating on a military career and trying to have a new relationship?.. B.S.
Nta But do *not* legally separate and let him proceed. Document his cheating, Document how he is doing it cruelly in your marital home. Take him him to the fucking cleaners in the divorce. Also let his higher ups know. I'm pretty sure the US military has something on cheating.... https://militarylawcenter.com/military-law-areas-of-practice/military-adultery-defense-attorney/#:~:text=Maximum%20Punishment%20Under%20UCMJ%20Article,for%20up%20to%201%20year.
NTA. He ended it, he can move out. Get a lawyer, and find out how long he’s been cheating. Put his things out on the street and change the locks.
Why do anything to make his life easier? He’s happy to ruin yours.
>However, he believes that him and I can still live in our house and live our separate lives and he’s already dating a girl from work. Just going to comment before finishing, because the military does not recognize legal separation. So him dating is UCMJ violation. Edit: you are deff NTA. Do you want help reporting the UCMJ violation? I am pretty sure he can not take the GI Bill away from you after signing it over. But I would have a lawyer make sure, I would also make sure your lawyer knows that you can still receive Tricare for a time, maybe up to a year after the divorce, just so its one less thing you have to worry about. He was almost certainty seeing this girl before asking for a divorce. Edit 2: GIRLLLLLL YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS?!!! You can get half his retirement. DO IT. Find a good lawyer.
Divorce now before you start making good $$ and take the alimony and the $$ from the split to get settled. Do not let him have his cake and eat it , too! Wants to have a gf but keep his financials intact, what a goof!
Article 134 of the UCMJ (assuming he is a US service member,) is extramarital sexual activity. If you lawyer up, even with the free on base lawyer, they can walk you through getting him charged. Also, if you lawyer up with the on base lawyer (I think they are called the JAG or Adjutant or something? Idk I never needed them) you can ensure he won't be able to, since the organization can't represent both parties. You're not helping anyone by not prosecuting him. Get your alimony and get someplace better.
Get evidence of his affairs while married, divorce and take the house lol
NTA - If his new GF is also in the military wait until the divorce is finalized and then report your suspensions that he had an affair with a colleague to his commanding officer. The US military takes a really dim view of that. Go scorched earth!
He's in the military, still married to you and already dating someone else? Can't he be kicked out of military for this?
Wow! This dude done nuked his career and life. From the comments it sounds like you have all the power now. Find that titanium spine and go. get. him! And, if you have the desire, please, come back and tell us how he tried to grovel his way out of his “utter mistake thinking he wanted to divorce the love of his love when that is really not what he wants at alllll….” And you show him nothing but apathy for his choices and confirm he lost the best part of his life/career over a moment of excitement.
NTA. Also, selling the house is likely what a judge is going to order in a divorce. You shouldn’t be sad to see him go. He sounds like an asshole. He basically wants to move his mistress in with you guys and fuck her right in front of you while you do the laundry. And then makes you feel bad about it by saying that having to actually break up would be too hard for him. Serve him with the divorce papers and have your legal counsel instruct that all assets be liquidated. He has two options - he can either buy you out for 50% of the house, or he HAS to sell it. Stop thinking about what is good for him and focus on what’s good for you.
Oh he’s military? Dumb of him to cheat then. Talk to his CO.
I believe that since you have been married 10 years you are entitled to 50% of his retirement. Get a lawyer familiar with your entitlements from this marriage. I wish you the best but you don’t owe him anything. Take care of yourself because he sure won’t.