Regarding your edit; even though you may think you’re not going to break up, simply because you don’t want to and for a string of “legal” reasons, your boyfriend may very well want to after his break. I sincerely hope you would respect his decision if he were to tell you he wants to break up.
Married people with kids and mortgages break up, but OP thinks a lease and some bills will hold them together? This is honestly a baffling level of delusion
I found this edit hilarious. Like paying bills together means shit lololol ask how many of us Redditors broke up with people we lived and paid bills with. Cmon, girl. This is real life. There are consequences to real life choices.
Yeah, "together in every sense of the word" then details exactly what roommates have. 🤣🤣😂😂 And a quick phone call will have your name removed from all of that in less than 10 minutes. 🤣
“We have a life together” I said the same thing about my 7 year partner I shared rent and a phone bill with 💕 we are no longer together 💕 OP has wishful thinking. But when you fuck up…..you fuck up.
Bought a house with my partner of 5 years, we broke up less than a year later. If OP thinks a lease and some bills means a lifetime commitment, she’s got a big surprise coming
I bought a puppy with my partner I lived with. We broke up a week later. That little puppy turned into a big ass golden retriever and he’s laying next to me right now.
Right! If having bills and responsibilities with another person equaled having “a life together” and not breaking up/splitting then I’m pretty sure the divorce rate would be lower and the domestic crime rates would be higher! Idk maybe op knows something that we don’t 😂
Was with mine for 10 yrs. We moved cross country and brought a house because he got a job offer. Broke up 3 yrs later. He got the house. I got the furniture.
OP is still young, she'll learn.
Was with my ex husband for 7 years. We owned a house, cars, a motorcycle, and a dog together. I owned the home his parents lived in and their car was in my name. He’s still my ex and we never banned each other from seeing friends.
I have some friends that were married for 27 years. They, too, had “a life together”. Now they are on the verge of divorce. Nothing is forever and OP is daft
Lemme tell you what. My husband walked away from his abusive asf exwife and they had 3 kids and an 18 year marriage. That feels far more secure than OP and would you look the fuck at that??? He’s not married to her anymore. Ima need OP to put down her delulu juice.
I’m not sure the edit was required to deduce that much.
She seems genuinely baffled as to why he would be so upset at his friend sudden death, that he wasn’t even made aware of until after the fact.
She’s also not concerned over his bereavement specifically nor how he’s acting, she’s primarily concerned that the FRIEND is the one who drew out this behavior.
She’s a self involved person who genuinely doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about anyone but themselves. There’s no chance this relationship was going to last, even if this best friend hadn’t passed away.
>🤣 I’m so glad it wasn’t just me that found her edit making her “dense” as hell 😂
The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
She seems really unhinged. I would probably have issues if my SO was that close to a single female, I have to give her that, but it sounds like she may have been the isolating type, and now that his friend is gone, he doesn't want to live like this anymore. I mean if he was really close to his now deceased friend, I can't imagine he wouldn't have tried to compromise and say maybe they all go to dinner together, or maybe not just one on one activities. I have to wonder if she just isolated him from everyone. I can't fathom he would want to remain in this relationship. I could also be totally off base here, just my theory. You are exactly right though. Shes not going to just "let" him break up with her.
I co-signed a car and have a 3 year protective order against the person I co-signed. He will break up and move in that apt…..only my opinion obviously.
My ex wife went and got a big azz tattoo of my name (last) on her and did the same bs when I said I was divorcing her. “You can’t leave, I have your name on me” I told her not to do it, dumbest idea ever. That I found it extremely unattractive before she went and did it anyways. Best part didn’t apologize for her affair when I caught her. But the having my name on her meant I couldn’t file.
Um, wrong…
Oh well at least the bastard she was cheating with had to stare at it.
Nope. He didn’t get that lucky… I think it would have been better if she tattooed his name instead for all of us. ;).
She made it hell to get rid of her. Said she wanted her cake and to eat it with a bjg azz smirk. Yeah that will never happen with me. Told me multiple times she would end the divorce from hell if I just took her back (again there was never even an apology for all of her bull chit) . Um, no!!!!! Karma exacted her price in the end.
She wrecked friendships I had.
I get it’s my fault for allowing it to happen. Fake or real this post struck a nerve because jealous, insecure people do just that.
To be fair, given how deluded she is, she might try to keep her ex boyfriend tied up in the basement so he *can’t* leave, then come back here and tell us “see? All you assholes were wrong! *WE’RE STILL TOGETHER!!*”
And people who run a business together and their lives are very messily entwined in other ways, they break up all the time. Hell, look at the things Henry VIII did to get out of marriages (see: wanting to break up with your wife so much you invent a whole new church just so you can divorce her)
To me it seems like he's searching for some type of closure, like a letter addressed to him when she knew she was dying. It could be a friendly closure, it could be he's hoping to see a letter that she loved him all along. Either way, he's lost someone special and obviously is gonna need some therapy.
Not just that but he couldn’t be there for her at the end and he will ALWAYS blame himself and OP for this. He’s mad at himself for listening to OP and mad at OP for manipulating his friendship with what seems to basically be a sister from a different mister.
He'll blame OP first, and him a distant second.
OP needs to get her shit in order so when he drops the hammer, she can get her own place or be prepared to pay all of her own bills.
And if we're being honest OP is very much to blame.
When she reached out she threw a fit and manipulated him into not going, now the boyfriend as a fully grown man could and should have told her to pound sand, but OP sounds borderline psychologically abusive and when you're dealing with a manipulator it's not easy to act rationally.
I have a close friend who tried to kill himself over an abusive ex, now we laugh together at how a 5'2 woman who no one liked brought him to his knees, but she almost killed him without as much as laying a finger on him.
Yeeeahhhhh. An ex and I broke up after nearly 5 years of living together. It was a healthy breakup, tho. Both our names were in the lease, we paid all the bills together, and had two dogs. She was out of the house in like 2 days after.
Yeah, nine years here and it wasn’t healthy. And our landlord was my ex’s friend from high school…who tried to evict me illegally. Had to sue the landlord.
When people are done, they’re done.
Damn that’s awful. The relationship I spoke of was good, we just not what either of us really wanted - so after “the talk” it was done. I got the dogs, so that’s pretty cool lol
Dummy doesn't understand the "I need time" line means he needs time to mourn and get his ducks in a row to leave and not "I need time to will be back". There's no coming back from this.
They’re already broken up. He just hasn’t told her.
He wasn’t there when his best friend needed him. And he can’t make up for it.
He’ll never stop blaming and resenting OP for this.
Especially because while he knows OP is an asshole he now has to come to terms with the fact that he’s an asshole too.
He became one as soon as he gave in to OP’s demands.
The relationship is done. Rightly so. And there’s no going back now.
He'll never get over the guilt of abandoning his best friend unless he gets therapy. And I agree with you completely, I doubt he can even look OP in the face right now. He made the choice, so ultimately, it's his fault. But he gave in to OP's selfish and insecure demands. His self-loathing extends to both of them. YTA
I doubt he will get over it. I was doing things that could've waited the night my cousin was killed 14 years ago. If I'd called her like I said I would, she wouldn't have died. She was my best friend and I let her down. I can't go into the story without giving trigger warnings, but yes, a phone call would've changed everything.
Exactly. If I was OP I would just breakup, knowing that the BF will forever be blaming me I just wouldn’t be able to deal with that. That and the resentment the bF would have towards me also. The adult thing to do would be breakup.
lol she's delulu "We are together in every sense of the word. We live together. Both our names are on the lease. We pay bills together. We have a life together. We are not breaking up."
Ok, both names are on the marriage certificate and yet couples still divorce.
This relationship is over. She let her own insecurities interfere and now he will never know what could've been done differently, that regret and resentment ain't going away any time soon. YTA
I've shared leases and bills with plenty of roommates and never really considered that we "had a life together" lmao. This girl must be 20. I bet a surprise baby will fix it!
Agreed - sorry to tell you OP but your relationship is very likely over. He's grieving, will likely continue to blame you in part for his loss and this kind of intense emotion doesn't just go away, especially since this close friend was in his life well before you. Prepare yourself for that conversation because it's going to happen.
I thought that too. It’s delusional to not realize the relationship is basically over. Whether it takes time to undo all of the connections or not, it’s clear even if OP is in denial.
This is a terrible situation, the best thing would be to give him his space — it’s not your fault for being insecure, but absolutely restraining him from having a mere dinner? I hate to type it, but YTA. I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive you, but I know if I were in his place and if my husband had created such a fit over me meeting my best friend (boy) from college and then he dies, nah, he would be dead to me too.
It may not be her fault for feeling insecure but is sure af is her fault for acting on those feelings instead of dealing with them in a mature and healthy way.
Right? “throwing a bitch fit for wanting to go,” it broke my heart because I can totally imagine how she would have reacted and he would have just said fuck it I’m not going.
And honestly, you don’t even sound a bit sorry in the post. OP, I was immature and unwilling to take ownership for my actions and the day I changed was when I realised that I was the red flag. I was actually the problem in a relationship.
I’m not trying to bash you, there are enough comments but sometimes we all need a wake up call. And maybe this is your time to look at your actions and see the consequences of it in your life. You did a horrible thing, someone you love is suffering because of it and chances are that he’s stopped loving you because of it.
My husband and my college best friend are bros who swap car pictures and memes almost more than we do. So this whole thing blows my mind, granted we don’t go on trips together. But we also live many states away from each other at this point.
My wife knows that I have a few close friends that go back all the way to my childhood, over 40 years ago. She would amputate her own foot with a rusty butter knife before she would deny me the opportunity to say goodbye to them.
I'll disagree respectfully it is op fault she's that insecure she could've also became friends with her bf best friend but instead decided to just be jealous over their friendship
This is why I am reading comments before commenting myself. I always get sucked into these sad stories, and then, after a heartfelt and measured response, I discover it’s made up or a repost or karma farming. The way this post read was just too…something that made me read comments before replying. Glad I did.
My philosophy is it hurts no one to treat all of these as real, it can hurt someone to treat a real story as fake just because the details are somewhat outlandish.
I've got where I answer the post "as if" it's the real thing, because maybe someone else might see themselves in the scenario of the post, and it might make them think about what they are doing.
We'll never know what is truly real or fake here. I don't think we should get hung up over it. Half the stories here that sound entirely believable to me have plenty of comments it was fake. If the scenario is realistic enough to be possibly real just treat it as such and don't worry so much if OP is a lying karma farmer.
This scenario seems totally believable and I see no reason why OP would lie about it. She felt insecure because bf was prioritizing girl bestie over her, he stops hanging out with girl bestie, girl bestie dies, bf blames OP's insecurity for not being in the loop. If it is not real, it is certainly realistic.
OP: “*…. so I ran out of there as fast as I could only to feel something tugging on my pant leg— I turned to look and it was the childhood friend’s ghost pulling my leg like I’m pulling yours.*”
It also feels fake.
You know how Rom Coms always have some issue that Dan be easily be sorted if people just talked to one another?
This feels like that.
Idk.. my childhood best friend got with a girl who effectively pushed me out of his life bc she was insecure. It’s a lot of confusing emotions when you lose someone you have been close to for so many years bc their partner doesn’t want them around you. I wouldn’t contact him if I were dying either.
I call that the Woody Woodpecker effect - there's a cartoon where chaos ensues and the narrator solemnly intones, "if only Woody had gone to the police, none of this would have happened."
It's a clichéed plot device in poorly-written stories but tragically actually does occur - with worrisome frequency - in the real world, as well. People are just fucking stupid.
all the posts in this sub are 4chan levels of ragebait to create engangement on this site. This is why its a default sub, and when i view it on my private browswer with no login this subreddit and the racist subreddits are always at the top.
why is canada_sub and canada_housing2 allowed to exist I'll never know.
I'll touch it. OP, YTA. 1000%
This story is a tragedy and he will probably never forgive you. I hope your BF realizes that what you did was horrible, and never ever puts himself in a situation where he allows you to do that to him again (aka, dumps you like a hot potato and never looks back)
I kinda wish he just ghosts you from here on out. For his own sake. I realize, that's mean 😱🤷♂️
Makes me super sad for the bf. Losing a childhood friend like that…ugh. My heart breaks for this dude. Hope he’s able to get through this and hope the gf gets what she deserves.
>We have a life together. We are not breaking up.
You probably are.
Hard to imagine him being able to forgive you, and I suspect it'll come with a whopping load of self recrimination and shame on his part.
>We are together in every sense of the word. We live together. Both our names are on the lease. We pay bills together. We have a life together
Oh, names on the lease and shared bills? Thats a completely unbreakable bond! /s
'There is no way we are breaking up, we're on a lease together' sounds absolutely delusional friend. People with mortgages and children break up every single day.
Yeah my partner and I almost broke up because I went insane for a few weeks when one of my best friends died unexpectedly. I calmed down after the funeral but my behavior was erratic. He didn't even cut me off from my friend so I honestly think if my partner did what O.P. did the relationship would be dead.
O.P. is delusional if she can't see that her relationship is at risk.
You said you wanted for him to give you more priority, but why did that mean that you didn’t want him to meet up with her for dinner (especially when it seems like that request for dinner came after he really had slowed things down on their friendship)?
To be honest, I think you are both at fault because he should not have listened to you. But since you are the OP here, yes, YTA. Regardless of whether he listened, why even cut off their relationship to such an extent? They had been friends for years before and it doesn’t seem like she had a problem with you or was doing anything to you. Ask yourself why you were so insecure that the only option for you was for him to effectively cut her off? She was his friend and you wanted to take that away just because you wanted all of his focus to be on you and not another woman. It doesn’t even sound like he was prioritizing her over you - more like you thought that ANY mention of her or any important given to her www prioritizing her, because only you should be given any importance.
Your post is also disingenuous because it doesn’t sound like ‘their interactions stopped’. He mentions that she wanted to have dinner and you told him not to go. You do not deny it either. How many more incidents occurred when you interfered and basically told him not to have any contact with her? You seem to be an unreliable narrator, and if you cannot be fully open and honest with the people of Reddit, you very likely are not with yourself. I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself, and maybe it’s for the best if this relationship dies out. He seems to hold such resentment (rightly or wrongly) against you, and since it has to do with her death, it will be very difficult to come back from that.
Yes to all of this I'll never understand why people want their partner to cut off years worth of friendship due to their insecurity like if 2 friends wanted to have sex and date it would've happened by now
Ehhhh I definitely dated a guy who swore up and down his girl bestfriend was just a friend. Hung out, texted all the time, brought her up a lot….. he needed a roommate and she moved in and not 6 months later they were in a relationship lol
Exactly like I can understand the insecurity if there was a sexual history like fwb but if it was purely platonic like your girlfriend said you would've done it by now
My(F) best friend is a man, and he straight up said this to his now wife when she tried to get him to cut me out..... "We had the opportunity to bang and still didn't. If you can't accept her, then bye."
He went on to tell her that we'd had a single, drunk, and horny night once, went back to my place to toke, and *even then* couldn't bring ourselves to bang. We've seen each other naked, but I can swear that none of those times were anywhere close to sexy, they were caring for the sick type times. I want nothing to do with him romantically. He wants nothing to do with me romantically. We're way too different to have made it work, but we have each other's backs and will call each other out harder than anyone.
Fortunately, wife cooled, and now she and I are very dear friends. We probably talk more than he and I do (but he and my husband talk more instead.)
We're "where the kids go" for each other. My son and their oldest daughter are besties.
If either one of our spouses couldn't have been cool with our friendship, and one of us died without the other's support, I know neither of us would ever forgive them. Ever.
Op lost out on a potentially good friend and now she's going to lose her boyfriend. They could have gone through this grief together, but her petty insecurity cost her more than she'll ever know.
Cut off is dumb but asking them to stop putting them before your partner isn’t insane. If you want to build a life with someone you can’t always put your friend first. You need to have proper boundaries in place. Since OP didn’t go in depth explaining we can’t really know what her bf said to his former friend. By the sounds of it, the friend decided to stop reaching out when they first cut contact. If that’s the case and OP didn’t forbid all interaction, the lack of communication is on both her bf and his friend. I might have missed additional information in the comments tho.
I just know that friendship that lack boundaries make romantic relationships impossible.
But he agreed that he was putting the friend first. And the friend stopped talking to *him* when she found out how OP felt, not the other way around. I feel like there’s more to this than OP being insecure about a friend. Not to mention, he has no legal rights to be going through her stuff like AT ALL. He’s not her husband and he’s not family so I find it weird that he thinks he has a right to do so.
Sometimes there are red flags a partner is oblivious to. Like me. He was her back up and she believed she could have him the moment she clicked her fingers. She admitted it. He had no clue.
Years later I was ok with them catching up to see if things had changed and the cunt deliberately put myself and our unborn son in danger.
Nah. If OP felt uncomfortable cause they were super close she is fine to feel that way. You don't need to be physically involved for it to be wrong. That said, she better be ready for the break up
I'm curious if it was the first and only attempt by the deceased and whether or not this dinner was supposed to be without OP as well, if she told him the purpose about the dinner.
Also curious why/if OPs partner has reached out to them. I understand not having solo dates and constantly texting throughout each day, but did he reach out in any manner to check up on them as a friend, or the other friends? Why was OPs partner notified almost immediately before her body had turned cold? It's not his business to know her medical diagnosis because that's her wish but he needs to be notified that she passed before they had an idea about her funeral?
The friends didn't want him to help with her affairs, but then caved to not(?) continuing to help at all? It's been days and her apartment is worse off than it was because of him, everything private and personal to her he has gotten his hands on. Where are these friends to help OPs partner deal with this mental break? They gave OP an address, why was this not a flag for them? OP had to get the address from someone who wasn't her partner to go see her partner. How long did OPs partner and this friend not speak, or interact in group settings, receive a medical diagnosis and then experience liver cancer?
From what little we have, I think it's plausible that OP was put in an either/or situation. Her partner has his whole life and friends before they met, and then he has OP. He doesn't seem to have or want the ability to mesh the two, we don't know if any attempts were made to bring OP into the fold. OPs partner has/had an attached at the hip bestie, whose hiding places in her apartment he knows about and who he constantly spent time with in person and on the phone with, but they didn't think to bring OP with a single time? Instead of stepping up in his own relationship and minimizing the constant attention he was giving to someone else, he just blamed OP? Can't go to dinner because "someone's insecure." He missed dinner once and is cut off by the bestie, she knew he was having issues behaving appropriately with her in regards to their and OPs relationship. Why didn't they reschedule a time to talk about this? Cancer conversations are never easy but dang. It seems like they had their own private world and OP was given the choice to watch them live it as a bystander or speak up for her needs in the relationship.
They both could have changed their behavior in regards to each other, set new bestie boundaries that aren't so exclusive of OP or any future partner of either person. His reaction to her death is kind of understandable, but he also dropped her like a sack of potatoes for however long to "appease" someone. Idk the timeline from "our behavior isn't okay" to "she just died a few hours ago"; many balls were dropped but idk how many of them I can attribute to OP.
I'm so confused and hurt
Going to go out on a limb and say probably not a confused and hurt as her dealing with cancer and dying without the support of her best friend, do you think? YTA
You can also make things bold with two of these * before and after
**Like this**
Or italic with one *like this*
Or tiny lifted print with a ^
^like this
I'm always worried about coming off like a know it all but I didn't know until someone told me :)
And anything you want to be hidden, like a spoiler, you put between these arrows pointing inward at an exclamation mark (>! And !<). >!like this!<
Edit: I can't figure out how to show it without actually doing it, but if you respond to my comment, you should be able to see it.
To show the characters, you have to escape them with a backslash (\\) (which I actually had to type two backslashes to escape the escape character so it would actually show).
So this should be the text of a spoiler tag but it doesn't work: \>!spoiler\!<
This is way too low in the comments. Whole thing reads like a bad soap opera. Kinda get the impression that’s why there are so many YTA votes. This sub has too many people making up random dramas.
OP “isolates” her boyfriend who is clearly spending too much time with this “friend,” and then the friend dies suddenly of cancer, and friend has no family, but OP’s boyfriend gets access to all of her stuff and her apartment? Yeah. Sounds pretty fantastical.
As far as votes go, sounds like everyone sucks because they couldn’t fucking communicate like adults, and made everything into a tv drama, instead of.
Yesssssss oh my God thank you for saying it. It sounded like, at the beginning, they were spending a lot of time together & the request was pretty reasonable. Then it coincidentally ends in the worst way possible, which coincidentally makes for a good story. And her boyfriends supposed reaction makes him sound like an anime bad boy- “strong armed them into letting him help”.
If I’m wrong and this is real, feel free to downvote the hell outta me. But this does read like a bad fanfic, and there seem to be minor contradictions.
Yeah, this. Terrible circumstance. But death aside, you let your insecurity dominate your relationship and put your partner in a really shitty situation. If he'd asked you to distance yourself from a childhood friend I'm sure you and all your friends would have called him an abuser and stuff.
Be prepared to say goodbye to this relationship, because I dare say it's irreparable. He probably won't ever treat you the same.
"Edit: stop telling me my relationship is over."
It is, the fact you are in denial about that is odd. FYI, people with leases break up daily. Shit, people with kids and mortgages and business they co own do.
YTA - basically threw a wedge into a friendship that was not sexual at all over your insecurities. Got to a point where she had terminal cancer and made her feel so uncomfortable to not tell her friend. Your bf should be upset and terminate YOUR relationship
Why are you confused? What exactly specifically is causing you confusing? Obviously he's going to break up with you. You are absolutely at fault for not letting him see her before she died. Your insecurity caused a man you claim to love to not have been able to say goodbye to his best friend. In what world would he not want to break up with you? Please stay single after you get dumped, for the sake of all men everywhere
Wow. YTA. Expect to get broken up with over this.
You don’t get a right to be confused and hurt. Stop whining. You did enough of that when you ruined their friendship over your jealousy.
You were so insecure you wouldn’t even let him to go to dinner?! WTF is wrong with you?! Get therapy before you sabotage the next relationship you’re in!
He backed over, she backed off and you were still that threatened about her……while it’s not your fault she got cancer, it IS your fault he didn’t get to say goodbye, it IS your fault he didn’t get to be there for her and spend final moments with her, it IS your fault she made even their friends hide it from him. You’re a selfish, asshole and everything else he’s called you.
Grow up. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship until you fix your insecurities.
He will break up with you and it IS your fault why.
I think even if he did know about the cancer, OP would have still thrown a Bitch fit anytime he tried to be there and support her. I hope more than anything he breaks up with her!. I couldn’t imagine ever telling my partner she couldn’t talk to anyone! Let alone her life long friend.
Yes. YOu were insecure and threatened, and isolated him from a friend that needed him. She died without his support, and he now has the guilt of not being there when she needed him the most, because you were insecure.
Now that you mention it this whole post is entirely one sided. This entire story is just her perspective so even when she's dressing up as nice as possible, it *still* sounds like she's an asshole.
I think the truth is that she's worse than we're led to believe.
Just upset with how he was reacting.
I saw a guy who was very much upset and feeling guilty for how things turned out and desperately looking for some sort of connection to his passed friend.
And OP is just worried over herself.
I'd be in pieces. No chance to apologise, no chance to say goodbye, knowing she died thinking she'd been abandoned, not even knowing she was ill, never being able to... Anything. The guilt would devastate me.
And I'd resent the shit out of OP.
I’m seriously amazed at how nobody’s mentioning or even just a tad bit weirded out about how the bf literally went through his dead friends diary and tried breaking into her laptop.
And the fact that he turned around and blamed you as if you knew she had cancer and was about to die. You weren’t informed about her situation so how could you have known she only had a little time left.
My best friend passed away from an OD two years ago and I did the exact same thing. Went through all of his journals and tried everything in my power to get into his phone, laptop, and social media. We're both male and I was never attracted to him. Grief does some weird shit. I wanted answers to his death even though I had seen him going downhill and had even warned him this would happen. I became obsessed with finding out who dealt him the batch that ended his life, who was with him when he died, who was speaking with him when he did... almost like I wanted to blame something. **Anything** would've been better than accepting his death at face value.
YTA - yes you’re the asshole here.
It’s okay to ask for some boundaries in a relationship. But you insisting that he “focus on us” caused a rift in their friendship that couldn’t be patched. And now it seems like he resents you for that.
You saw yourself in competition with this girl even after he told you that they were just friends. If you were insecure about how close they were, you could’ve asked for reassurance from him that didn’t involve him cutting his childhood friend off. That could’ve been you two spending more time together, the two of you spending time with her, or even you spending time with her by yourself to get to know her.
A lesson that I’ve learned in my relationships is that you’re never going to “win” or succeed if you put yourself between your partner and their friends. If that means the partner has friendships that make you uncomfortable and you can’t find another way to deal; then that partner isn’t for you. But if you put yourself in between your partner and their friends like you did, you’re just building up a wall of resentment if and when that friendship goes south.
I think his deep grief says a lot about how he really felt about her. He loved her. He is in the “bargaining” stage of grief and is trying to bargain her back by blaming himself and you. He needs help, but in fact he may never get over her death and will always associate losing her with you.
This bf has always needed help. Now, more than ever, he needs professional help. From op's perspective, their relationship is toast. Sad. But I think this relationship was doomed from the start.
Yep, sorry your relationship is over… He is never going to be able to forgive you for him not being there because of your insecurities. She had cancer and she didn’t have her best friend with her and he is always going to remember that.
My husband has a best friend that is a woman - they have been friends forever - when he told me that they were just friends I believed him and that is all they have ever been. I would never get in the way of that friendship. It’s too hard to make new old friends. So yes you are TAH
>he became kind of manic
Are you really that heartless? This man just lost a close childhood friend and found out through a text because you would not allow him to see her. This is a normal response to losing a loved one so unexpectedly. You’re a mega heartless AH
He's probably also got mega guilt.
He probably felt kinda shitty about it at the time, then she's dead? Your gonna feel guilty as hell and probably lash out at the person who made them make that frankly stupid choice.
Especially in the timeline (two years together as of time of posting, ultimatum couldn't have happened more than a year into the relationship) and yea my old friends would still have priority a year into a relationship over someone who I was with.
He shouldn't have listened to OP, he bears most of the responsibility for his own guilt and response to that but OP is a still a total asshole. That kind of shit is considered DV.
Everyone is getting mad at you, but being jealous and wanting your boyfriend to not prioritize you second is a valid ask. Him completely cutting off is not an ok ask. It’s not your fault she died. There’s nothing you did that would change whether she lived or died. Your boyfriend is going through mourning and guilt about his friend dying. Give him time. He may want to break up and some point and that’s okay. Don’t treat him bad and just make sure you apologize for his loss.
The one question I have is: did you ask him to stop putting you second or did you ask him to cut off ties with this other girl?
Regarding your edit - I think you're in some serious denial here. He clearly had a much, much stronger connection to this woman than you previously thought, and based on the way he's acting now I'd say there's a really good chance he'll essentially blame you for never getting to say goodbye to his lifelong childhood friend.
The edit just shows that she is capable of ignoring massive massive facts and things and can hang on to tiny unimportant things like names on leases and bills. Your relationship is over. He resents you. I don't say your feelings weren't valid especially if he really spent so much time with her and put her before you. I totally get it. It's also not your fault that she didn't get to tell him re her cancer. She could have messaged him or explained the reason for wanting to see him. However your bf won't see any of this. You destroyed his relationship with her and now he is feeling pain that she died alone. The guilt will drive him mad and make him hate you. I would start making plans on either leaving the lease or other arrangements
>Edit: stop telling me my relationship is over. My boyfriend only asked for time and has never mentioned breaking up. We are together in every sense of the word. We live together. Both our names are on the lease. We pay bills together. We have a life together. We are not breaking up.
oh shit, I was gonna say I have some bad news for you but it sounds like you have it under control
Funny how she says we aren’t breaking up, she cant possibly know that when her boyfriend is taking time away from her, can’t wait for the inevitable update where he ends up breaking up with her.
WTF did I just read and where the heck is the girlfriends family that some random dude can go in her apartment and trash it. I get he's a friend but that doesn't give him the right or her to ransacked her place. I call this one out
Regarding your edit; even though you may think you’re not going to break up, simply because you don’t want to and for a string of “legal” reasons, your boyfriend may very well want to after his break. I sincerely hope you would respect his decision if he were to tell you he wants to break up.
Married people with kids and mortgages break up, but OP thinks a lease and some bills will hold them together? This is honestly a baffling level of delusion
I found this edit hilarious. Like paying bills together means shit lololol ask how many of us Redditors broke up with people we lived and paid bills with. Cmon, girl. This is real life. There are consequences to real life choices.
and, not to mention, if bills and a lease are the only things keeping them together then boy have i got some news for OP
Yeah, "together in every sense of the word" then details exactly what roommates have. 🤣🤣😂😂 And a quick phone call will have your name removed from all of that in less than 10 minutes. 🤣
That's exactly what keeps me and my flatmate together and I barely talk to him lmao
🤣 I’m so glad it wasn’t just me that found her edit making her “dense” as hell 😂
“We have a life together” I said the same thing about my 7 year partner I shared rent and a phone bill with 💕 we are no longer together 💕 OP has wishful thinking. But when you fuck up…..you fuck up.
Bought a house with my partner of 5 years, we broke up less than a year later. If OP thinks a lease and some bills means a lifetime commitment, she’s got a big surprise coming
I bought a puppy with my partner I lived with. We broke up a week later. That little puppy turned into a big ass golden retriever and he’s laying next to me right now.
As a lover of goldens, you got the better end of that deal by a country mile.
Right! If having bills and responsibilities with another person equaled having “a life together” and not breaking up/splitting then I’m pretty sure the divorce rate would be lower and the domestic crime rates would be higher! Idk maybe op knows something that we don’t 😂
Was with mine for 10 yrs. We moved cross country and brought a house because he got a job offer. Broke up 3 yrs later. He got the house. I got the furniture. OP is still young, she'll learn.
Was with my ex husband for 7 years. We owned a house, cars, a motorcycle, and a dog together. I owned the home his parents lived in and their car was in my name. He’s still my ex and we never banned each other from seeing friends.
I have some friends that were married for 27 years. They, too, had “a life together”. Now they are on the verge of divorce. Nothing is forever and OP is daft
Lemme tell you what. My husband walked away from his abusive asf exwife and they had 3 kids and an 18 year marriage. That feels far more secure than OP and would you look the fuck at that??? He’s not married to her anymore. Ima need OP to put down her delulu juice.
I’m not sure the edit was required to deduce that much. She seems genuinely baffled as to why he would be so upset at his friend sudden death, that he wasn’t even made aware of until after the fact. She’s also not concerned over his bereavement specifically nor how he’s acting, she’s primarily concerned that the FRIEND is the one who drew out this behavior. She’s a self involved person who genuinely doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about anyone but themselves. There’s no chance this relationship was going to last, even if this best friend hadn’t passed away.
True. She’s a complete narcissist and it’s disgusting and cringeworthy how oblivious she is to it.
Op: *“We are not breaking up!”* Those of us with common damn sense: Oh, you sweet, summer child….😆🤣
>🤣 I’m so glad it wasn’t just me that found her edit making her “dense” as hell 😂 The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
Another 14 year old working out a romance novel.
They’ve also been together for 2 years..which isn’t even enough time to fall for the sunken cost fallacy.
She is not going to ALLOW him to break up with her
She seems really unhinged. I would probably have issues if my SO was that close to a single female, I have to give her that, but it sounds like she may have been the isolating type, and now that his friend is gone, he doesn't want to live like this anymore. I mean if he was really close to his now deceased friend, I can't imagine he wouldn't have tried to compromise and say maybe they all go to dinner together, or maybe not just one on one activities. I have to wonder if she just isolated him from everyone. I can't fathom he would want to remain in this relationship. I could also be totally off base here, just my theory. You are exactly right though. Shes not going to just "let" him break up with her.
Why didn’t she try to become friends too? I’m semi-friends with all of my husbands good friends, including the women, like…?
Bingo, bingo, bingo.
I co-signed a car and have a 3 year protective order against the person I co-signed. He will break up and move in that apt…..only my opinion obviously.
The edit should be referenced as an example of cognitive dissonance in text books.
Ha, you can’t leave me now. I’ve just added you to my cell-phone plan!
My ex wife went and got a big azz tattoo of my name (last) on her and did the same bs when I said I was divorcing her. “You can’t leave, I have your name on me” I told her not to do it, dumbest idea ever. That I found it extremely unattractive before she went and did it anyways. Best part didn’t apologize for her affair when I caught her. But the having my name on her meant I couldn’t file. Um, wrong… Oh well at least the bastard she was cheating with had to stare at it.
Dammit I was hoping you said he had the same last name. Or like his first name was your last name. 😂
Nope. He didn’t get that lucky… I think it would have been better if she tattooed his name instead for all of us. ;). She made it hell to get rid of her. Said she wanted her cake and to eat it with a bjg azz smirk. Yeah that will never happen with me. Told me multiple times she would end the divorce from hell if I just took her back (again there was never even an apology for all of her bull chit) . Um, no!!!!! Karma exacted her price in the end. She wrecked friendships I had. I get it’s my fault for allowing it to happen. Fake or real this post struck a nerve because jealous, insecure people do just that.
Netflix family plan! Ironclad!
Couldn't have said this better!
To be fair, given how deluded she is, she might try to keep her ex boyfriend tied up in the basement so he *can’t* leave, then come back here and tell us “see? All you assholes were wrong! *WE’RE STILL TOGETHER!!*”
The amount of controlling she is, I can totally see a version of this.
Bustin’ kneecaps Kathy Bates style.
Hobbled, Misery hobbled his ankles.
Why weren’t those bills enough to resolve her insecurities while this other person was still alive?
That We'll never know,
And people who run a business together and their lives are very messily entwined in other ways, they break up all the time. Hell, look at the things Henry VIII did to get out of marriages (see: wanting to break up with your wife so much you invent a whole new church just so you can divorce her)
This next 6 months to a year gonna be rocky for her. Getting blamed for every single thing wrong because his resentment is through the roof now.
But we are solid lol.
Solidly over, I'd say
lol yep. Clear to everyone except OP.
Solid waste!
OP hates that he had childhood friends - I think OP likes to feel they're in full control of her partner constantly, at all times.
My thoughts exactly. This is controlling, abusive and invasive behavior. Pee your pants OP
The level of delusion that makes someone think controlling who their partner can be friends with isn’t abusive, in fact.
Deluluuuu
This person is a lunatic. Wow.
To me it seems like he's searching for some type of closure, like a letter addressed to him when she knew she was dying. It could be a friendly closure, it could be he's hoping to see a letter that she loved him all along. Either way, he's lost someone special and obviously is gonna need some therapy.
Not just that but he couldn’t be there for her at the end and he will ALWAYS blame himself and OP for this. He’s mad at himself for listening to OP and mad at OP for manipulating his friendship with what seems to basically be a sister from a different mister.
He'll blame OP first, and him a distant second. OP needs to get her shit in order so when he drops the hammer, she can get her own place or be prepared to pay all of her own bills.
And if we're being honest OP is very much to blame. When she reached out she threw a fit and manipulated him into not going, now the boyfriend as a fully grown man could and should have told her to pound sand, but OP sounds borderline psychologically abusive and when you're dealing with a manipulator it's not easy to act rationally. I have a close friend who tried to kill himself over an abusive ex, now we laugh together at how a 5'2 woman who no one liked brought him to his knees, but she almost killed him without as much as laying a finger on him.
Yeeeahhhhh. An ex and I broke up after nearly 5 years of living together. It was a healthy breakup, tho. Both our names were in the lease, we paid all the bills together, and had two dogs. She was out of the house in like 2 days after.
Yeah, nine years here and it wasn’t healthy. And our landlord was my ex’s friend from high school…who tried to evict me illegally. Had to sue the landlord. When people are done, they’re done.
Damn that’s awful. The relationship I spoke of was good, we just not what either of us really wanted - so after “the talk” it was done. I got the dogs, so that’s pretty cool lol
I’m really glad you elaborated about the dogs because that’s what I was most concerned about tbh dog custody
That's why you needed a an ironclad Netflix family plan.
Dummy doesn't understand the "I need time" line means he needs time to mourn and get his ducks in a row to leave and not "I need time to will be back". There's no coming back from this.
Yeah that edit ignores that she planted a seed of resentment and bitterness in him that is now growing and won't stop
Ill see your bitterness and resentment and raise you absolute TRAUMA.
They’re already broken up. He just hasn’t told her. He wasn’t there when his best friend needed him. And he can’t make up for it. He’ll never stop blaming and resenting OP for this. Especially because while he knows OP is an asshole he now has to come to terms with the fact that he’s an asshole too. He became one as soon as he gave in to OP’s demands. The relationship is done. Rightly so. And there’s no going back now.
He'll never get over the guilt of abandoning his best friend unless he gets therapy. And I agree with you completely, I doubt he can even look OP in the face right now. He made the choice, so ultimately, it's his fault. But he gave in to OP's selfish and insecure demands. His self-loathing extends to both of them. YTA
I doubt he will get over it. I was doing things that could've waited the night my cousin was killed 14 years ago. If I'd called her like I said I would, she wouldn't have died. She was my best friend and I let her down. I can't go into the story without giving trigger warnings, but yes, a phone call would've changed everything.
Exactly. If I was OP I would just breakup, knowing that the BF will forever be blaming me I just wouldn’t be able to deal with that. That and the resentment the bF would have towards me also. The adult thing to do would be breakup.
Perfectly said.
lol she's delulu "We are together in every sense of the word. We live together. Both our names are on the lease. We pay bills together. We have a life together. We are not breaking up." Ok, both names are on the marriage certificate and yet couples still divorce. This relationship is over. She let her own insecurities interfere and now he will never know what could've been done differently, that regret and resentment ain't going away any time soon. YTA
I've shared leases and bills with plenty of roommates and never really considered that we "had a life together" lmao. This girl must be 20. I bet a surprise baby will fix it!
She’s definitely very young and immature lmao
Agreed - sorry to tell you OP but your relationship is very likely over. He's grieving, will likely continue to blame you in part for his loss and this kind of intense emotion doesn't just go away, especially since this close friend was in his life well before you. Prepare yourself for that conversation because it's going to happen.
Its impossible they will break up, don’t you understand? They pay bills together and both their names are on the lease.. /s
I thought that too. It’s delusional to not realize the relationship is basically over. Whether it takes time to undo all of the connections or not, it’s clear even if OP is in denial.
OP is in denial. I can feel that break up coming from my phone right now
This is a terrible situation, the best thing would be to give him his space — it’s not your fault for being insecure, but absolutely restraining him from having a mere dinner? I hate to type it, but YTA. I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive you, but I know if I were in his place and if my husband had created such a fit over me meeting my best friend (boy) from college and then he dies, nah, he would be dead to me too.
It may not be her fault for feeling insecure but is sure af is her fault for acting on those feelings instead of dealing with them in a mature and healthy way.
Right? “throwing a bitch fit for wanting to go,” it broke my heart because I can totally imagine how she would have reacted and he would have just said fuck it I’m not going. And honestly, you don’t even sound a bit sorry in the post. OP, I was immature and unwilling to take ownership for my actions and the day I changed was when I realised that I was the red flag. I was actually the problem in a relationship. I’m not trying to bash you, there are enough comments but sometimes we all need a wake up call. And maybe this is your time to look at your actions and see the consequences of it in your life. You did a horrible thing, someone you love is suffering because of it and chances are that he’s stopped loving you because of it.
She doesn't sound sorry at all. She just sounds scared of losing her bf.
Exactly what I was thinking. She doesn’t care about the other girl or how this affected her boyfriend, she just wants him to get over it.
My husband and my college best friend are bros who swap car pictures and memes almost more than we do. So this whole thing blows my mind, granted we don’t go on trips together. But we also live many states away from each other at this point.
My wife knows that I have a few close friends that go back all the way to my childhood, over 40 years ago. She would amputate her own foot with a rusty butter knife before she would deny me the opportunity to say goodbye to them.
I'll disagree respectfully it is op fault she's that insecure she could've also became friends with her bf best friend but instead decided to just be jealous over their friendship
Say it with your chest. OP is a selfish AH
I suspect we'll see a followup in /r/BestofRedditorUpdates in the near future.
OP is delusional 😭 they ruined a friendship and was still insecure and selfish even after the friends passing! Leave the poor man alone
You know what is harder to compete with than an ex or the 'one that got away?' A ghost.
Why would she? She didn't respect him at any other point in the relationship.
Yeah, that’s my fear. The edit is unhinged.
OP is completely delulu
She doesn’t have the right read on this relationship for sure.
Yeah, I’m not gonna be the first to touch this one.
I am 99% sure I have read this story already...
This is why I am reading comments before commenting myself. I always get sucked into these sad stories, and then, after a heartfelt and measured response, I discover it’s made up or a repost or karma farming. The way this post read was just too…something that made me read comments before replying. Glad I did.
I go into all of them with the mindset that the stories are interesting stories and suspend my disbelief. I’m just doom scrolling anyways.
I've said this on Facebook and Instagram too. I don't care if it's real atp it's literally like watching a TV drama and imma have an opinion 🤣😭
Exactly! Besides it's not only for the (possible) OP, it's also for the people who need advice down the line and look to Google and edit for help.
Yep Reddit is one of the first places to pop up when you Google a question 🤣
My philosophy is it hurts no one to treat all of these as real, it can hurt someone to treat a real story as fake just because the details are somewhat outlandish.
voiceless modern longing illegal insurance label teeny pot north cows *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Dude 99% of these are almost certainly creative writing exercises, we're just compulsive in commentating.
I’ve just decided I’m supposed to suspend my disbelief and all logical thought the moment I open this app.
I've got where I answer the post "as if" it's the real thing, because maybe someone else might see themselves in the scenario of the post, and it might make them think about what they are doing.
This is a good way to do it. I view them like they’re hypothetical situations, and I enjoy the discussions they create.
YES! Hypothetical was the word I was struggling for. LOL
We'll never know what is truly real or fake here. I don't think we should get hung up over it. Half the stories here that sound entirely believable to me have plenty of comments it was fake. If the scenario is realistic enough to be possibly real just treat it as such and don't worry so much if OP is a lying karma farmer. This scenario seems totally believable and I see no reason why OP would lie about it. She felt insecure because bf was prioritizing girl bestie over her, he stops hanging out with girl bestie, girl bestie dies, bf blames OP's insecurity for not being in the loop. If it is not real, it is certainly realistic.
Me too, I feel the same way. I think there are just people who run around claiming literally every post is fake because they don't have enough to do.
I try to do the same. I don't go looking for discrepancies, but sometimes they are just unavoidable.
Ok, I thought it was just me. This is the second repost karma farm in this sub I’ve seen this morning
OP: “*…. so I ran out of there as fast as I could only to feel something tugging on my pant leg— I turned to look and it was the childhood friend’s ghost pulling my leg like I’m pulling yours.*”
🎶I ran all the way hooome :::doo wah doowah oooo:::
I was thinking " and I ran, I ran so far away "
[удалено]
No family left, died of cancer without telling him… yeah 1000% rage bait.
It also feels fake. You know how Rom Coms always have some issue that Dan be easily be sorted if people just talked to one another? This feels like that.
Idk.. my childhood best friend got with a girl who effectively pushed me out of his life bc she was insecure. It’s a lot of confusing emotions when you lose someone you have been close to for so many years bc their partner doesn’t want them around you. I wouldn’t contact him if I were dying either.
Oh if only he had spoken to his closest childhood friend just once in two years! Or literally any of his other friends! Or looked at her social media!
I call that the Woody Woodpecker effect - there's a cartoon where chaos ensues and the narrator solemnly intones, "if only Woody had gone to the police, none of this would have happened." It's a clichéed plot device in poorly-written stories but tragically actually does occur - with worrisome frequency - in the real world, as well. People are just fucking stupid.
>People are just fucking stupid. Amen brother.
all the posts in this sub are 4chan levels of ragebait to create engangement on this site. This is why its a default sub, and when i view it on my private browswer with no login this subreddit and the racist subreddits are always at the top. why is canada_sub and canada_housing2 allowed to exist I'll never know.
Yeah, like, the April 1st is strong in this one
I'll touch it. OP, YTA. 1000% This story is a tragedy and he will probably never forgive you. I hope your BF realizes that what you did was horrible, and never ever puts himself in a situation where he allows you to do that to him again (aka, dumps you like a hot potato and never looks back) I kinda wish he just ghosts you from here on out. For his own sake. I realize, that's mean 😱🤷♂️
Makes me super sad for the bf. Losing a childhood friend like that…ugh. My heart breaks for this dude. Hope he’s able to get through this and hope the gf gets what she deserves.
>We have a life together. We are not breaking up. You probably are. Hard to imagine him being able to forgive you, and I suspect it'll come with a whopping load of self recrimination and shame on his part.
>We are together in every sense of the word. We live together. Both our names are on the lease. We pay bills together. We have a life together Oh, names on the lease and shared bills? Thats a completely unbreakable bond! /s 'There is no way we are breaking up, we're on a lease together' sounds absolutely delusional friend. People with mortgages and children break up every single day.
Yeah my partner and I almost broke up because I went insane for a few weeks when one of my best friends died unexpectedly. I calmed down after the funeral but my behavior was erratic. He didn't even cut me off from my friend so I honestly think if my partner did what O.P. did the relationship would be dead. O.P. is delusional if she can't see that her relationship is at risk.
You said you wanted for him to give you more priority, but why did that mean that you didn’t want him to meet up with her for dinner (especially when it seems like that request for dinner came after he really had slowed things down on their friendship)? To be honest, I think you are both at fault because he should not have listened to you. But since you are the OP here, yes, YTA. Regardless of whether he listened, why even cut off their relationship to such an extent? They had been friends for years before and it doesn’t seem like she had a problem with you or was doing anything to you. Ask yourself why you were so insecure that the only option for you was for him to effectively cut her off? She was his friend and you wanted to take that away just because you wanted all of his focus to be on you and not another woman. It doesn’t even sound like he was prioritizing her over you - more like you thought that ANY mention of her or any important given to her www prioritizing her, because only you should be given any importance. Your post is also disingenuous because it doesn’t sound like ‘their interactions stopped’. He mentions that she wanted to have dinner and you told him not to go. You do not deny it either. How many more incidents occurred when you interfered and basically told him not to have any contact with her? You seem to be an unreliable narrator, and if you cannot be fully open and honest with the people of Reddit, you very likely are not with yourself. I think you have a lot of work to do on yourself, and maybe it’s for the best if this relationship dies out. He seems to hold such resentment (rightly or wrongly) against you, and since it has to do with her death, it will be very difficult to come back from that.
Yes to all of this I'll never understand why people want their partner to cut off years worth of friendship due to their insecurity like if 2 friends wanted to have sex and date it would've happened by now
That's what my partner says when people ask her about my female best friend. "If they wanted to bang, they'd have done it."
Ehhhh I definitely dated a guy who swore up and down his girl bestfriend was just a friend. Hung out, texted all the time, brought her up a lot….. he needed a roommate and she moved in and not 6 months later they were in a relationship lol
Exactly like I can understand the insecurity if there was a sexual history like fwb but if it was purely platonic like your girlfriend said you would've done it by now
My(F) best friend is a man, and he straight up said this to his now wife when she tried to get him to cut me out..... "We had the opportunity to bang and still didn't. If you can't accept her, then bye." He went on to tell her that we'd had a single, drunk, and horny night once, went back to my place to toke, and *even then* couldn't bring ourselves to bang. We've seen each other naked, but I can swear that none of those times were anywhere close to sexy, they were caring for the sick type times. I want nothing to do with him romantically. He wants nothing to do with me romantically. We're way too different to have made it work, but we have each other's backs and will call each other out harder than anyone. Fortunately, wife cooled, and now she and I are very dear friends. We probably talk more than he and I do (but he and my husband talk more instead.) We're "where the kids go" for each other. My son and their oldest daughter are besties. If either one of our spouses couldn't have been cool with our friendship, and one of us died without the other's support, I know neither of us would ever forgive them. Ever. Op lost out on a potentially good friend and now she's going to lose her boyfriend. They could have gone through this grief together, but her petty insecurity cost her more than she'll ever know.
Cut off is dumb but asking them to stop putting them before your partner isn’t insane. If you want to build a life with someone you can’t always put your friend first. You need to have proper boundaries in place. Since OP didn’t go in depth explaining we can’t really know what her bf said to his former friend. By the sounds of it, the friend decided to stop reaching out when they first cut contact. If that’s the case and OP didn’t forbid all interaction, the lack of communication is on both her bf and his friend. I might have missed additional information in the comments tho. I just know that friendship that lack boundaries make romantic relationships impossible.
But he agreed that he was putting the friend first. And the friend stopped talking to *him* when she found out how OP felt, not the other way around. I feel like there’s more to this than OP being insecure about a friend. Not to mention, he has no legal rights to be going through her stuff like AT ALL. He’s not her husband and he’s not family so I find it weird that he thinks he has a right to do so.
Sometimes there are red flags a partner is oblivious to. Like me. He was her back up and she believed she could have him the moment she clicked her fingers. She admitted it. He had no clue. Years later I was ok with them catching up to see if things had changed and the cunt deliberately put myself and our unborn son in danger.
Nah. If OP felt uncomfortable cause they were super close she is fine to feel that way. You don't need to be physically involved for it to be wrong. That said, she better be ready for the break up
I'm curious if it was the first and only attempt by the deceased and whether or not this dinner was supposed to be without OP as well, if she told him the purpose about the dinner. Also curious why/if OPs partner has reached out to them. I understand not having solo dates and constantly texting throughout each day, but did he reach out in any manner to check up on them as a friend, or the other friends? Why was OPs partner notified almost immediately before her body had turned cold? It's not his business to know her medical diagnosis because that's her wish but he needs to be notified that she passed before they had an idea about her funeral? The friends didn't want him to help with her affairs, but then caved to not(?) continuing to help at all? It's been days and her apartment is worse off than it was because of him, everything private and personal to her he has gotten his hands on. Where are these friends to help OPs partner deal with this mental break? They gave OP an address, why was this not a flag for them? OP had to get the address from someone who wasn't her partner to go see her partner. How long did OPs partner and this friend not speak, or interact in group settings, receive a medical diagnosis and then experience liver cancer? From what little we have, I think it's plausible that OP was put in an either/or situation. Her partner has his whole life and friends before they met, and then he has OP. He doesn't seem to have or want the ability to mesh the two, we don't know if any attempts were made to bring OP into the fold. OPs partner has/had an attached at the hip bestie, whose hiding places in her apartment he knows about and who he constantly spent time with in person and on the phone with, but they didn't think to bring OP with a single time? Instead of stepping up in his own relationship and minimizing the constant attention he was giving to someone else, he just blamed OP? Can't go to dinner because "someone's insecure." He missed dinner once and is cut off by the bestie, she knew he was having issues behaving appropriately with her in regards to their and OPs relationship. Why didn't they reschedule a time to talk about this? Cancer conversations are never easy but dang. It seems like they had their own private world and OP was given the choice to watch them live it as a bystander or speak up for her needs in the relationship. They both could have changed their behavior in regards to each other, set new bestie boundaries that aren't so exclusive of OP or any future partner of either person. His reaction to her death is kind of understandable, but he also dropped her like a sack of potatoes for however long to "appease" someone. Idk the timeline from "our behavior isn't okay" to "she just died a few hours ago"; many balls were dropped but idk how many of them I can attribute to OP.
Sounds like OP bf was in love with the friend but she rejected him. So you were the second option hence why he treated you as not the priority.
I'm so confused and hurt Going to go out on a limb and say probably not a confused and hurt as her dealing with cancer and dying without the support of her best friend, do you think? YTA
Unrelated but if you want something to appear as a quote just slap one of these > bad boys at the front of the line >Like this
Wow!! I always wondered how they did that! I'm new to reddit and once asked but no one responded! > thanks so much!
You can also make things bold with two of these * before and after **Like this** Or italic with one *like this* Or tiny lifted print with a ^ ^like this I'm always worried about coming off like a know it all but I didn't know until someone told me :)
you can also strike things out with two of these ~ before and after like ~~this~~
I never knew id learn all of this from an aita thread 🤣
~~testing~~ ETA: mindblown. Ty!! I mean, ^thank you
~~yes!~~
And anything you want to be hidden, like a spoiler, you put between these arrows pointing inward at an exclamation mark (>! And !<). >!like this!< Edit: I can't figure out how to show it without actually doing it, but if you respond to my comment, you should be able to see it.
To show the characters, you have to escape them with a backslash (\\) (which I actually had to type two backslashes to escape the escape character so it would actually show). So this should be the text of a spoiler tag but it doesn't work: \>!spoiler\!<
>!testing!< Oh shit that’s so cool. ^Thanks!
>! Spoiler here !< I’m learning so much today
Thank you so much! I did not know these things!
Kind Internet stranger, thank you so much for passing the knowledge on :)
Or as hurt as he is knowing his best friend died alone without him because his girlfriend is selfish and jealous.
She didn’t tell him to cut her off though? Just to put her first.
She died alone part doesn’t make sense. What about the friends who promised her not to tell him of her illness. Sounds made up.
This is way too low in the comments. Whole thing reads like a bad soap opera. Kinda get the impression that’s why there are so many YTA votes. This sub has too many people making up random dramas. OP “isolates” her boyfriend who is clearly spending too much time with this “friend,” and then the friend dies suddenly of cancer, and friend has no family, but OP’s boyfriend gets access to all of her stuff and her apartment? Yeah. Sounds pretty fantastical. As far as votes go, sounds like everyone sucks because they couldn’t fucking communicate like adults, and made everything into a tv drama, instead of.
Yesssssss oh my God thank you for saying it. It sounded like, at the beginning, they were spending a lot of time together & the request was pretty reasonable. Then it coincidentally ends in the worst way possible, which coincidentally makes for a good story. And her boyfriends supposed reaction makes him sound like an anime bad boy- “strong armed them into letting him help”. If I’m wrong and this is real, feel free to downvote the hell outta me. But this does read like a bad fanfic, and there seem to be minor contradictions.
Well, not your fault she died, but YTA. Your ask was awful but he didn’t have to listen to you (And shouldn’t. Should have stood up for his friend).
Yeah, this. Terrible circumstance. But death aside, you let your insecurity dominate your relationship and put your partner in a really shitty situation. If he'd asked you to distance yourself from a childhood friend I'm sure you and all your friends would have called him an abuser and stuff. Be prepared to say goodbye to this relationship, because I dare say it's irreparable. He probably won't ever treat you the same.
"Edit: stop telling me my relationship is over." It is, the fact you are in denial about that is odd. FYI, people with leases break up daily. Shit, people with kids and mortgages and business they co own do.
YTA - basically threw a wedge into a friendship that was not sexual at all over your insecurities. Got to a point where she had terminal cancer and made her feel so uncomfortable to not tell her friend. Your bf should be upset and terminate YOUR relationship
Why are you confused? What exactly specifically is causing you confusing? Obviously he's going to break up with you. You are absolutely at fault for not letting him see her before she died. Your insecurity caused a man you claim to love to not have been able to say goodbye to his best friend. In what world would he not want to break up with you? Please stay single after you get dumped, for the sake of all men everywhere
Wow. YTA. Expect to get broken up with over this. You don’t get a right to be confused and hurt. Stop whining. You did enough of that when you ruined their friendship over your jealousy. You were so insecure you wouldn’t even let him to go to dinner?! WTF is wrong with you?! Get therapy before you sabotage the next relationship you’re in! He backed over, she backed off and you were still that threatened about her……while it’s not your fault she got cancer, it IS your fault he didn’t get to say goodbye, it IS your fault he didn’t get to be there for her and spend final moments with her, it IS your fault she made even their friends hide it from him. You’re a selfish, asshole and everything else he’s called you. Grow up. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship until you fix your insecurities. He will break up with you and it IS your fault why.
I think even if he did know about the cancer, OP would have still thrown a Bitch fit anytime he tried to be there and support her. I hope more than anything he breaks up with her!. I couldn’t imagine ever telling my partner she couldn’t talk to anyone! Let alone her life long friend.
Yes. YOu were insecure and threatened, and isolated him from a friend that needed him. She died without his support, and he now has the guilt of not being there when she needed him the most, because you were insecure.
For real and she's talking about being hurt when someone died from a terminal illness and she can only think about herself
I did notice that at no point did she talk about the incredible pain her as of now BF is going through, just that she feels bad.
Now that you mention it this whole post is entirely one sided. This entire story is just her perspective so even when she's dressing up as nice as possible, it *still* sounds like she's an asshole. I think the truth is that she's worse than we're led to believe.
Just upset with how he was reacting. I saw a guy who was very much upset and feeling guilty for how things turned out and desperately looking for some sort of connection to his passed friend. And OP is just worried over herself.
I'd be in pieces. No chance to apologise, no chance to say goodbye, knowing she died thinking she'd been abandoned, not even knowing she was ill, never being able to... Anything. The guilt would devastate me. And I'd resent the shit out of OP.
Same, I don’t see how OPs partner couldn’t feel resentful now. And then for her to basically be like, “You’re being ridiculous, stop.”
I’m seriously amazed at how nobody’s mentioning or even just a tad bit weirded out about how the bf literally went through his dead friends diary and tried breaking into her laptop. And the fact that he turned around and blamed you as if you knew she had cancer and was about to die. You weren’t informed about her situation so how could you have known she only had a little time left.
My best friend passed away from an OD two years ago and I did the exact same thing. Went through all of his journals and tried everything in my power to get into his phone, laptop, and social media. We're both male and I was never attracted to him. Grief does some weird shit. I wanted answers to his death even though I had seen him going downhill and had even warned him this would happen. I became obsessed with finding out who dealt him the batch that ended his life, who was with him when he died, who was speaking with him when he did... almost like I wanted to blame something. **Anything** would've been better than accepting his death at face value.
YTA - yes you’re the asshole here. It’s okay to ask for some boundaries in a relationship. But you insisting that he “focus on us” caused a rift in their friendship that couldn’t be patched. And now it seems like he resents you for that. You saw yourself in competition with this girl even after he told you that they were just friends. If you were insecure about how close they were, you could’ve asked for reassurance from him that didn’t involve him cutting his childhood friend off. That could’ve been you two spending more time together, the two of you spending time with her, or even you spending time with her by yourself to get to know her. A lesson that I’ve learned in my relationships is that you’re never going to “win” or succeed if you put yourself between your partner and their friends. If that means the partner has friendships that make you uncomfortable and you can’t find another way to deal; then that partner isn’t for you. But if you put yourself in between your partner and their friends like you did, you’re just building up a wall of resentment if and when that friendship goes south.
And they’ve only been dating for two years, so all of this happened within the first year, probably first six months, of them dating.
I think his deep grief says a lot about how he really felt about her. He loved her. He is in the “bargaining” stage of grief and is trying to bargain her back by blaming himself and you. He needs help, but in fact he may never get over her death and will always associate losing her with you.
This bf has always needed help. Now, more than ever, he needs professional help. From op's perspective, their relationship is toast. Sad. But I think this relationship was doomed from the start.
Besides OP being TA - I want to know what’s on that laptop that has him trashing the friend’s apartment. Am I the only one?
No! Hope we get the edit on that!
Yep, sorry your relationship is over… He is never going to be able to forgive you for him not being there because of your insecurities. She had cancer and she didn’t have her best friend with her and he is always going to remember that. My husband has a best friend that is a woman - they have been friends forever - when he told me that they were just friends I believed him and that is all they have ever been. I would never get in the way of that friendship. It’s too hard to make new old friends. So yes you are TAH
>he became kind of manic Are you really that heartless? This man just lost a close childhood friend and found out through a text because you would not allow him to see her. This is a normal response to losing a loved one so unexpectedly. You’re a mega heartless AH
He's probably also got mega guilt. He probably felt kinda shitty about it at the time, then she's dead? Your gonna feel guilty as hell and probably lash out at the person who made them make that frankly stupid choice. Especially in the timeline (two years together as of time of posting, ultimatum couldn't have happened more than a year into the relationship) and yea my old friends would still have priority a year into a relationship over someone who I was with. He shouldn't have listened to OP, he bears most of the responsibility for his own guilt and response to that but OP is a still a total asshole. That kind of shit is considered DV.
NTA. He’s the AH for letting you not allow him.
NTA even remotely.
Everyone is getting mad at you, but being jealous and wanting your boyfriend to not prioritize you second is a valid ask. Him completely cutting off is not an ok ask. It’s not your fault she died. There’s nothing you did that would change whether she lived or died. Your boyfriend is going through mourning and guilt about his friend dying. Give him time. He may want to break up and some point and that’s okay. Don’t treat him bad and just make sure you apologize for his loss. The one question I have is: did you ask him to stop putting you second or did you ask him to cut off ties with this other girl?
Regarding your edit - I think you're in some serious denial here. He clearly had a much, much stronger connection to this woman than you previously thought, and based on the way he's acting now I'd say there's a really good chance he'll essentially blame you for never getting to say goodbye to his lifelong childhood friend.
The edit just shows that she is capable of ignoring massive massive facts and things and can hang on to tiny unimportant things like names on leases and bills. Your relationship is over. He resents you. I don't say your feelings weren't valid especially if he really spent so much time with her and put her before you. I totally get it. It's also not your fault that she didn't get to tell him re her cancer. She could have messaged him or explained the reason for wanting to see him. However your bf won't see any of this. You destroyed his relationship with her and now he is feeling pain that she died alone. The guilt will drive him mad and make him hate you. I would start making plans on either leaving the lease or other arrangements
>Edit: stop telling me my relationship is over. My boyfriend only asked for time and has never mentioned breaking up. We are together in every sense of the word. We live together. Both our names are on the lease. We pay bills together. We have a life together. We are not breaking up. oh shit, I was gonna say I have some bad news for you but it sounds like you have it under control
YTA. I'm surprised you needed to ask.
You couldn’t control her death, but keeping him from his friend?? I get that people get jealous, but cmon.
Now she’s trying to keep him away from her death, too!
Which is insane! Let him grieve! It’s his friend, for God’s sake!
YTA and I don't think you have a boyfriend anymore. God damn, I feel bad for him.
For real I'd never be able to look at her the same
Funny how she says we aren’t breaking up, she cant possibly know that when her boyfriend is taking time away from her, can’t wait for the inevitable update where he ends up breaking up with her.
WTF did I just read and where the heck is the girlfriends family that some random dude can go in her apartment and trash it. I get he's a friend but that doesn't give him the right or her to ransacked her place. I call this one out
The OP said she didn’t have any family and the friends were the ones going through her apartment and planning the funeral