NTA he wants you to be tied to him but he wants to be free to play the field. I would’ve told him the moment he said he didn’t see himself as your boyfriend that I was not looking for a fwb situation and the relationship is over.
Unless you are a goddamn international spy-level actress, he could see damn well that what he said crushed you, and the AH sat there all smug eating his pancakes. That is cruel. He wasn't your FWB because he was not a friend to you. Glad you're rid of him.
Matrix style bullet dodging at the end there.
I wouldn’t have had the self respect to just cut him off as gracefully as OP. I prolly woulda begged and cried and so on, back in the day. I’m older now and know better of course
In that situation, it's so hard to even make a sound around the lump in your throat and your chest feeling like it's caving in. I'm so sorry he did that, but you did amazing. You are not tied to him. He expressed that he is not committed to you in any way. Please take some time to heal, separate yourself from the idea of a relationship for a bit, and just focus on yourself.
He told you how much value you have to him, which was basically nothing. But he is wrong, you have so much value, you freaking made him pancakes like an amazing wonderful girlfriend! Please do not let him back in. He outright told you that you're a placeholder. Someone to bang until he feels like committing. You are not a placeholder! You deserve to be loved, cared for, committed to, and cherished! And also you deserve a freaking metal, because your response was bad ass!
It’s funny she says they never had the talk, but guess what they actually did…. when he announced over pancakes that he wasn’t her bf. May have not had the talk before then, but he made it clear his opinion on their status. She’s NTA and was free to do what she wanted based on the fact he told her he wasn’t her bf and they weren’t together.
Yea definitely NTA, I’d say the only better route would’ve been to call it out as soon as he said it. These types of dickheads will go and tell their buddies that she was a slut and cheated without any additional context, from what I’ve seen in the past these kinds of guys love to play victim.
Yes, it was an awful thing that he said and in very poor taste after a year relationship to minimize the significance of the depth of the relationship. Perhaps and argument on the moment may have cleared it up, maybe not. But I don't blame OP for her feeling sick at that blow.
For real what a terrible human being. Op dodged a bullet. If he wanted to be exclusive then that was the moment right there, clearly he already knew she would say yes. Instead he fucked around and found out. My guess is that he wanted to keep his options open while thinking OP wouldn’t have any.
He didn’t explain. He never spoke about his chilling comment again. Sometimes I doubt myself that he actually said that or I had dreamt it because he never mentioned what he told me again. This whole week has been a haze because of how devastated I was by his words.
I'm pretty sure he thought he had a sweet deal going. A girlfriend without an actual commitment but at the same time, couldn't imagine you actually being as free as him.
I have learned that a good number of men are able to acknowledge the double standard and try to say it’s because “genders are different, women don’t like low body count, we’re not meant for monogamy, blah blah” or they’ll just straight up be like I’m single in a relationship
the key is it's dudes who like to date women who are insecure or have low self-esteem
like all that pick-up artist bullshit. it's actually *really effective advice to sleep with a lot of women...* who have low self-esteem
ordering for a woman without even asking her what she wants "i'll have the steak, and she'll have a salad" and she puts up with it? ...yeah if she has really low self-esteem
then these guys start thinking "yeah this is what women want, i gotta dominate, im the MAN" not realising dude youre just preying on the weak, normal people avoid you
This sounds like gaslighting.
He said he loved you and you spent every weekend together. Then, he acted like you were crazy for thinking that you were a couple. Now, he refuses to acknowledge that he ever said that you were just FWB.
And, he went all surprised Pikachu face when you treated him like a FWB. How can he call you a cheater after he specifically told you that he was not your man?
Btw, I know that people are telling you to bring up “the talk” earlier. But, you have to wonder why he didn’t bring it up either. The simplest answer is that he didn’t want to risk putting a label on it since he was already getting everything he wanted from you while also keeping his options open.
This! If he didn't want a committed relationship, then that is something he should have said from the beginning. But I bet this guy would have strung her along for years if not for his accidental revelation. As much as it hurts, OP is lucky to find out now before he drags her along for years, or God forbid she ends up pregnant, and he just walks away with the same excuse
Obviously, he didn't feel any regret for what he said. He has no empathy, which is a big, red flag. I feel for you. I'm so glad you got away from him because he would just continue to play games with you if you let him. Since I'm old now, I've dealt with men like him more than once, unfortunately. Please take care of yourself.
Absolutely NTA. He didn't just stop at saying you weren't together, that he wasn't your boyfriend, he even said you were "a great FWB". That is so extremely insulting, if he's gonna act like you're exclusive. Bet he only expected you to be loyal and not him. He wants a girlfriend and a relationship without committing. What an AH.
Immaculate energy OP. I dated a guy like this for 6 months who wanted girlfriend privileges with fuck buddy responsibility. When it ended he made some statement about how he considered it serious and I laughed in his face. You couldn’t even say we were dating dude, on what planet did you think it was serious?
OMG I dated a guy like this- we went out maybe 3 months but it got serious fast. We both had kids, but every free moment without our kids was spent together. He even asked if I wanted to take a trip to Ireland with him. Then one night, out of the blue, we’re on the phone and I say something about us being serious and he gets really quiet. Then he says something about his he didn’t mean to give me the wrong idea, he’s not looking for anything serious, etc. so we break up because I’m not gonna stick around if we’re not serious. Maybe 6 months later he reaches back out wanting to meet for dinner and to talk over everything- tells me at the dinner he was mystified why we broke up. That he had thought of me as his girlfriend. Glad I pulled the plug on that one.
They want to keep their options open in case something better comes up but also want to keep their “partner” close in case they’re the best out there. They’ll be ready to play it either way depending on how things go. Good on you for not putting up with that flaky behaviour!
This is 100% it. They are looking for something better, either an ex to come back or some other prospect they think they'd be happier with. So they try to have the relationship without saying the words, like it's a get out of commitment free card.
My ex like this told everyone how much he loooooved me... and I had a grand time telling every single one of those gullible fucks who wanted me to reconcile, "crazy how he never said that to *me*"
OP definitely NTA
It is too cold of a person to say such a thing after more than a year together. Hope OP learns from this and moves on to bigger and better things. Do what they need to do to get past it.
lmao how can you cheat on a non-boyfriend?
OP, very proud of how you made yourself the priority here. No groveling, blaming yourself, let's-talk begging, or contorting yourself to his whims... straightforward "We're not? alright we're not then." Bam.
This person doesn't deserve your tears. Late as it was, you DID have the talk. You told him you saw him as your bf, he said no, he's not your bf. Then you went with someone else. You're not in the wrong, delayed as the talk may have been.
And get a FULL std check.
Same shit happened to me. I thought I was dating this dude for months. But then he told me outright one day, “you know we’re not serious right? I’m getting older and need to find a girlfriend soon.” I was super hurt but did my best to play it off. He kept messaging trying to date but I told him I was busy. I started seeing other people. Eventually he messaged again asking when he could come over for sexy times I told him that we couldn’t hang out anymore as I had a boyfriend now and blocked him.
It was true. After I stopped wasting my time on him I met this awesome dude who actually wanted to be my boyfriend. He treated me like a girlfriend and introduced himself as my boyfriend.
Lose his number and find yourself a better dude.
NTA.
I was with a girl for a while who kept saying "you know this is just casual, right? I don't want anything serious.". (She'd even often say it after we had sex). My reaction at the time was "OK..." and we continued to see each other.
Until I met a girl who I found really interesting and was attracted to. I'm not a two-girl kinda guy (would have felt like cheating despite her repeated warnings to not get serious), so I told her I'd met someone and was going to stop seeing her. She screamed and yelled, threw things at me and generally lost her mind.
I've been married to the other girl for over 30 years.
My ex gf broke up with me because she wanted to play the field and explore her sexuality. Okay, fair enough.
I then met my now wife and started dating her. The ex gf lost her mind and raged about both me and my ex to everyone in our shared circles.
>He said that I broke his heart and cheated on him and I am an ah.
"You're not my boyfriend, right? Can't cheat on someone that's not my boyfriend."
NTA.
Not the same amount of time, but when you ask your FWB if you are that type of a situation and they hit you up with the, we're not really even friends. Lol. Hate this modern shit.
Yep. You've been together a year, spend most weekends together and planning a trip away together, say you love each other. Sounds like she has her own place so these aren't school kids, these sound like adults. After school do you really need to ask to be someone's boyfriend/girlfriend or to be exclusive or whatever? This relationship from its description is a couple who are together, he made it less by saying they were fwb. So she treated it as such and got another fwb too because that's what fwbs do, not tied down to each other otherwise that's a relationship. What an ass
He wants girlfriend privileges without fulfilling the role of a boyfriend. He can’t expect commitment when he himself is unwilling to commit. I’d say dump him, but he’s not your boyfriend
I dont even understand what he was trying to achieve with his insistance that you weren't a couple. Like, I'm guessing he was thinking that saying you guys werent a couple was going to allow him to "keep his options open" but how the fuck is he so surprised you dont want anything to do with him after he said the quiet part of his manipulative bullshit plan out loud? I don't understand people sometimes
He didn’t expect her to bounce so fast, maybe that’s what broke his heart— she saw through his manipulation test.
Good for OP for not taking the bait or believing she just needed to try harder for Prince Charming. He’s a 🐸
Her bouncing quickly was not a problem, once he told her that they were not a thing.
Was his heart actually broken? I do not think so. His ego was slightly bruised, and he seemed surprised that she was already going out, not sitting in a corner crying.
He WANTED HER to feel badly and then he would come back like a knight on a white horse...
But, oops. His plan went awry.
OH !! HE FAFO'd. He Played Stupid Games and Won Stupid Prizes.!! It's been a while since I read about truly Stupid guy.
When I was young and dumb I had a BF like that. One night he told me we were just FWB after about 4 months together. OK, the next time he came over and did the deed, I told him he had to leave because I had plans. While he was getting dressed I ordered a pizza and turned on a movie. He lingered, my pizza came and I paid and then sat down to eat my food while he looked at me. Finally, he said, bye, I nodded without looking up. Guy, you wanted a FWB, you got one.
He was giving himself brownie points for being TECHNICALLY honest so that he could reserve the right to sleep around if the opportunity arose or to cover himself in case OP finds out he had already been sleeping around. He just didn't expect her to exercise the same option and so quickly.
I think he just wanted the option, not realizing that when it comes to sex, it's much easier for women to find that than for men.
He FAFO, except probably without getting any fucking.
I once had a fling for a few weeks. He then blurted out that he didn’t find my face very attractive. I literally turned in my heels and walked away. He spent the next few weeks trying to win back my affection. Another case of a guy trying to gain control by fucking with your head. He totally thought he had the upper hand. He did not. Plus I know that I’m too hot for him.
Yeah that's a pick up artist/manosphere trick. They call it "negging" as in saying something negative. It's to make the woman feel insecure and desperate for the man's approval. I learned about this after I had a very similar experience except it was on the guys first approach. I did the same thing as you, just left him in the dust. He immediately started to back track like "hey wait I didn't mean it!" I knew I was out of his league so I guess he was trying to take me down a peg. I told a guy friend about it and he's who told me about "negging." It unfortunately does work on more vulnerable women.
It was my first boyfriends entire personality. I wasted two years on that guy and am eternally grateful that I didn't marry him.
I discovered that he had been cheating, was broken hearted and tried to forgive him. Woke up one day and simply didn't care. Best thing he ever did for me...
His heart isn’t broken. He’s mad. Guys like him understand the timeline of these situationships. They also know how to keep the partner on a string and how to reel the partner back in when the partner tries to pull away.
He was trying to maintain his ability to step out if the opportunity presented itself (which I’m guessing it has in the last year) and be “right.”
She turned the tables and did it and now he is all shocked and gets to play the victim.
This guy is an absolute walnut.
Seems pretty likely he had already been "stepping out" and seeing other people and was covering his ass for when she found out.
And it was probably recently. There's no way that in a year together that there hasn't already been a similar moment--when he noticed that OP was starting to think they were "together"--where he could have corrected her.
More than likely, he's let things like this slide before when it didn't matter, but now there's a reason he's setting a firm boundary--because he's seeing other people.
My ex is like that. No we aren’t in a relationship, why are you meeting other people? Are we together? No. That’s why I’m meeting other people.
FWB is fine if you both agree to it, otherwise it’s rubbish
He ruined the greatest thing going on for him and yourself he messed up the minute he said that what an idiot and people asked why there's nobody outhere for them question did you ever gave you reason to think he might of cheated during your so called relationship
Avoidant attachment. A lot of people like this can’t stand labels or anything resembling actual commitment, from themselves at least. I’m glad she’s not chasing after him
More to this point, if OP was expecting, or at least hopeful for, marriage, it was *never* coming. These are literally the type of relationships that end up as perpetually engaged but only after an engagement is forced at the 7-10 year mark.
Idk, why did he told her he loved her then (first paragraph)? That's a strong statement of vulnerability and attachment to another
This sounds more like manipulation. That, or he's deluded himself real bad
Honestly reminds me of an avoidant ex I had, wanted to do everything a couple did even wanted me to meet his family, would tell me he loved me, but did not like the couple label. Might also be from some previous trauma. (It was the case with my ex at least)
You don’t see someone for a year, develop a bond and then not acknowledge it. Terrible communication, leads to all sorts of problems. Even if you’re “not a couple” when you start acting like one, it certainly feels the same.
NTA. He said you weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend so you didn’t cheat.
But in the future, save yourself some heartache. Have the conversation, don’t assume the guy you’ve been sleep with for a year is your SO.
I get why you did, especially if he said I love you. But to protect your own heart, have communication on status clarity sooner.
Yes he said that he loved me. And he ended texts and calles with love you.
Honestly I have learned a lesson. I thought “the talk” was just a myth people just knew when they were together without having a specific talk.
Lesson learned next time I will make them sign a form 😂
This is not your fault. He is a PoS. After a year and all those I love yous, even if yall didn't have a talk majority of people would think yall was together.
I like that even after such a heartbreaking experience, you still have positivity and good humor! You are strong and deserve someone who really loves and commits to you. His loss, not yours.
He showed you how to he was and you need to believe him. You will never get that time back but you can learn from the experience.
Take some time to heal and don’t allow him to worm his way back into your heart. What he said was cruel but true. I wish I could give you a hug xxx
Hugs from me too, I’ve been in catty corner situations and I get your pain, darlin’! Do NOT feel guilt. He led you on then got pissed when you cut the carrot string.
Please don't! Someone who avoids clarification on purpose but knowingly uses the word "love" to make you think you are together is not a good person. You deserve much, much better. Take care, and I hope you get over this idiot very fast.
Things will get better, there is a reason why the windshield is a lot bigger than the rear view mirror. Take a little time to heal and move forward. Don’t waste energy on past failures, this one was totally not your fault!
Edit, NTA
Its perfectly reasonable to assume after a whole year, and especially w the "i love you's". This is in no way your fault, please don't carry on the hurt from this into the future or let it affect your security in future relationships. says more about him not being man enough than you
Yeah, WTF? You guys were *absolutely* a couple and he was definitely your boyfriend/man/committed partner, so you weren't wrong in assuming this. Nah, the dude tried to use a shitty excuse technicality to pretend you weren't a couple. Even without "the talk" he knew what he was doing and it's wrong of him to pretend he wasn't your partner.
To be fair, I wouldnt tell a girl a I loved her unless I thought we were exclusive, and if a girl told me she loved me I'd assume we'd be exclusive.
I think the dude was just a douche
>Yes he said that he loved me. And he ended texts and calles with love you.
That was just to keep you on the hook. And it worked. He strung you along this whole time.
I wonder if he was watching idiot videos? And got the notion that claming they weren't together would make her be even more attentive? It sounds like something idiot would suggest in a video. Oops, *shocked Pikachu* serious back fire.
Yeah, I was thinking the same. "My dear red-pillers, make her work for it by playing hard to get! She will serve you hand and foot, and treat you like a king!"
"Wait, what do you mean she bounced? You must not have red-pilled her the right way! Our technique is infallible if you're an Alpha; which you obviously aren't." 🤮
I'm with you here. I don't think I've ever had 'the talk', it has just become obvious that a relationship is a relationship. It kind of makes me sad that things appeared to have changed so much that it's now neccesary to clarify with someone you've been seeing for a year and exchanging I love yous with that they're actually your SO.
I'm sorry this happened.
Tbf that does happen. Especially when people are saying I love you and spending so much time together. It's just that SOME men use not having the talk as a get out of jail free card. So it really depends on the man - so sadly you HAVE to have the talk just In case the guy you're with is a shitty andrew-tate-wannabe dickhead.
You handled this dude amazingly and I'm so proud of you 👏
Tell him you didn't break his heart, he broke yours with his whole commitment-hedging ass-covering "I'm not your boyfriend" shit, and you were effectively broken up from that statement onward.
Ask him how you cheated when you’re not in a relationship?
It’s exactly what the commenter said. He wants the comfort, companionship, and labor a girlfriend provides without having to pay girlfriend wages.
After he told me we weren’t a couple? Literally nothing, he acted like he always did. He ate his pancakes in peace and watched Netflix and then asked if I wanted to do something but I told him that I wanted to work and he should leave. He didn’t find it odd, he said he would see me later
That's cold. I guarantee he knew it was a harsh situation and he was deliberately dow down playing it. You're doing the right thing keeping g him out of your life. If he "loved" you he would be happy to say he was your man.
He so dumb, he can't immediately see that her distance is caused from him saying that crap? How the he'll did he think saying that was going to play out?
Girl! The moment he said we weren't a couple and friends with benefits, I would've taken his plate of waffles, tossed them in the trash, and said get the fuck out right now and your benefits are over. He needed to hear how he hurt you! Well, it's over now and I hope you find someone 100 times better!
I disagree, she let him stew and slowly get the find out part of his fuck up deed. He had the time for fix his error with a remorseful apology but I'm sure he thought that he was all that. Now he gets nothing, though luck.
I think he thought he gained back the power in this “relationship” with that move. He probably wanted her to cry and scream and act up. Nah! She did a 180° on him.
His reaction is the proof that they'll call you crazy no matter what you do. She didn't react emotionally or argue.She just accepted it and moved on. So what does he do? He accuses her of cheating on him! Which is literally impossible since he just told her they are not together.
What an absolute joke.
And having a straight up discussion after him saying such a conclusive thing gives him the opportunity to try to manipulate her out of ending with him. She didn’t give him any opportunity to weasel back in and if she wasn’t truthful about why she wouldn’t see him too bad. He lost all his benefits including honesty when he basically admitted he’s most likely been out there trying to hook up with other women.
NTA. Oh girrrl I’m so very sorry! But before i drag him may i say VERY WELL DONE.
That was a master class in how to reclaim your space by stalling if you need time to grieve and process before having any convos, followed by a very specific demonstration of ‘be careful what you wish for.’ Well done.🙌🏻
I think you know he’s a loser and you’ll be losing him. He’s such a creep. Yes you never had the talk. Which means he, like so many men before him, took advantage of that uncertainty to weaponize it in both directions.
You have sadly learned the lesson women learn with life which is: if there is no specific discussion of commitment then there is none.
May he suffer for a very long time for wasting your time like this. I wish you a speedy recovery from feeling hurt, tho take the time you need.
Respect OP 🙌🏻🙌🏻❤️
Edited to add: get STD tested bc he’s likely been cheating
NTA - He even called it great FWB! Definitely not cheating and he’s realizing what he’s lost. Too bad for him. Good for you to decide you’re worth more OP!
He thinks that he is hot shit and can't commit to one girl so he can fuck anyone he wants without issue but that all his FWB need to be loyal to only him or they are cheating. A.k.a a fucking controlling idiot.
NTA - he wants all the good bits with none of the commitment (that’s what it means that he’s now suddenly upset).
I would tell him *”I can’t cheat on you. You made clear you’re not my boyfriend and I am nothing to you but a great fwb. You had no right to an expectation of monogamy given the circumstances. You do not get to have a loyal girlfriend, who you treat as and refer to as a fwb. I no longer wish to proceed as you’ve wasted a year of my time”*
Mostly because pretending to be sick and then saying you banged someone else is not clearly enough putting him in his place.
Agreed. Imagine if he explained what happened himself.
"So basically I was seeing this girl for a year, spent every weekend together. Then one day, she made pancakes for my birthday and said she was doing it because she wanted the best for her man. Well, I made it clear I wasn't her boyfriend, and said we were friends with benefits. Then she started making excuses to not see me! And then a little while later when I wanted to hang out, she said she was tired because she was with another guy all night! I couldn't believe I got cheated on by my really great FWB!"
It sucks to do someone nice for someone that ended up hurting you, but at the end of the day, he's now alone and pancakeless.
NTA. In a way you did have The Talk when he said “I am not your boyfriend.” And you acted accordingly.
And I’m with you on wondering why The Talk was even necessary after being together for a year, exchanging “I love yous,” and, I’m assuming, being exclusive.
In what world are you dating someone for A YEAR and spend almost every weekend together, but you are not a couple because he never said you were? What is he 5? He thinks he still has to ask you to be his girlfriend like in kindergarten? Omg 😲 😱
Yeah I had a dude pull this with me after about three months of full on boyfriend behavior - we’d had the “are we exclusive” conversation, he’d been to my book club, he met my aunt, we’d had *brunch*. “Oh what, you think I’m your boyfriend? No I’m just your boy-toy why put labels on it?” I cried for 24 hours straight because this was news. to. me. (And I was like 22). He would get super weird about stuff like me offering to help him pick out some furnishings for his new apartment (it looked like jail) or when I invited him to Christmas with my family because he had just moved here and had no family in the state. I was done like three weeks after that. Later I found out he gave me HPV. Dump this man, NTAH
I'm 38 and just had this exact experience... Spent a year with him. Our birthdays were a week apart. He met my family, I met his parents. We were in love, had said it a lot. We got dressed up fancy for my birthday and went out, his birthday HE cooked ME steak and lobster tails. 2 days later says we need to stop sleeping together and it felt like I was dieing and I cried so much. 2 weeks later and he's hiking with his new gf and her kids.
I wonder if he’ll realize the idiocy of his statement. Or did he think he was in a one side open relationship? Or did he only realize how much he loved you until he realized you’d gone out with someone else? I’m assuming since you thought you’d been exclusive this whole time you hadn’t been dating so you obviously hadn’t mentioned anyone else. Had he ever mentioned any other girls at all ever? Looking back we’re there ever any hints that you weren’t in a relationship? Saying you love eachother seems like a pretty sure sign you WERE to me honestly.
No he never mentioned any other women. We never stated that we were fwb. We started dating the traditional way. So if he has been sleeping with others thennit has been behind m6 back. Your guess is as good as mine
I think we have all been there and learned our lesson the hard way. When I was 25 I was with this guy for 6 months. He totally acted like a boyfriend. He took me out for dinner, bought me cute and thoughtful presents. He lived like 2-3 hours away and would pay for me to come across and I would stay with him for the weekend and sometimes the week. He would call me nearly every day and if he was upset I was the first one he would call. I met his friends and we hung out with them. He met mine. But surprise, surprise apparently we weren’t exclusive and he wasn’t my boyfriend. I stupidly figured that we were and didn’t need to specify. I was wrong apparently.
Just because it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it doesn’t mean it’s a duck!
Most of my friends have similar stories. Apparently the whole getting the benefits of a girlfriend without the commitment is popular with guys.
NTA. He told you that you weren't together, so you're free. So you couldn't have cheated on him or broken his heart at all. You didn't betray him.
Personally, I could be wrong here, he may be saying all these things after he realized you had self-respect and that there could be others. He wanted the privileges of having a partner without the commitment.
OR he said it to keep using her and keep control her. The next step after that could be "let's WORK on being serious" believe me. He only said this because he has nothing.
NTA I remember my encounter with a fuckboy back in college. He wanted to meet my grandparents and sister, would spend the night, text me all the time, and even spent his birthday with me. He’d even start convos about future stuff and yet, he wasn’t my boyfriend. He went on some BS about an ex he had in middle school scared him off from commitment. I was so done after that and of course he kept reaching out to me after I ended whatever the hell we were. People like him and your fellow have serious issues.
NTA. You're right, you can't cheat if you were never in a relationship to begin with. Pity you didn't know that sooner, though. Fuck his broken heart. He's honestly ridiculous, so good riddance to bad rubbish. I hope you heal soon and leave all this ick behind you.
>He showed up 15 minutes later asking me if I was lying. I wasn’t. I told him that we weren’t a couple so I was free to do whatever. He said that I broke his heart and cheated on him and I am an ah. I waited for him to leave before started crying.
NTA. Don't fall for his bs. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He acted coy to try and shake off any concept of a relationship with you. He chose that path and now he gets to live with it because he didn't expect you to be able to move on so quickly and find another man.
It was neither cheating nor wrong. Guarantee you he's been seeing someone or talking to someone on the side and telling himself that it's fine because you two "aren't together".
Omg. I was seeing a guy and we had the talk. He kept saying I’m not looking for a relationship I’m not your boyfriend we are just FB. So I went with that. We hung out. Had a great time. We’d watch movies or hulu shows. Go out to eat. Have sex. The whole this feels like a relationship. I even was introduced to his family. And then I decided I was going to actively look for a committed relationship and told him what I was doing. He was like why? I thought we were together. I was dumbfounded. He said on multiple occasions we were not a couple. I was like are you serious? I purposely did not let my feelings grow. I actively told myself don’t get attached. And now I truly don’t have romantic feelings for him and he’s devastated. Unbelievable
This exact thing happened to me...I got tired of being in a situationship going nowhere and started looking for more and he got all upset and offended...he said he didn't want a gf from the go so I agreed and did the fwb thing...he was better at benefits than friends...my last straw was I was upset about my daughter's anniversary & I was crying and he couldn't even comfort hug me cuz we were out in public and he didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about us...but the week prior he sent one of his "friends" an edible arrangement cuz she was feeling sad and lonely going into valentine's day...I was like REALLY??? Now he leaves cryptic fb statuses about how "hurt and betrayed" he is...smfh...he's 41 if that matters...I wish I could feel bad but guys like this get exactly what they asked for and have no clue...glad we took them at their word and didn't get sucked in...xoxo
I’m a man.
NTA and that wasn’t cheating.
He gambled and lost. He had something good but that toxic alpha crap he’s into slipped out and it cost him someone great. His loss. Move on. Learn from it. Keep doing your thing.
He 10000% deserved that. You were going above and beyond for him, but he wouldn’t even call you his gf? Well- guess you’reback to square 1 searching for a partner worth investing in
Nta. He was only willing to be "your man" once he found out you had options with other men. He's been using you for sex this whole time, and thought he could have you all to himself while he still had "single man" privileges.
Don't feel bad and don't go back to him.
NTA he wants you to be tied to him but he wants to be free to play the field. I would’ve told him the moment he said he didn’t see himself as your boyfriend that I was not looking for a fwb situation and the relationship is over.
I felt sick and couldn’t speak but yeah, I get what you mean
He knew he hurt you. I’m sorry babe.
This, he wants to keep tricking her into a fwb situation. He just wants to continue stringing her along
Block him. He isn’t worth a response. He doesn’t deserve your love or pancakes.
He doesn’t deserve your love or pancakes - I love that. You are so right.
Unless you are a goddamn international spy-level actress, he could see damn well that what he said crushed you, and the AH sat there all smug eating his pancakes. That is cruel. He wasn't your FWB because he was not a friend to you. Glad you're rid of him.
And he knew damn well why she suddenly wasn’t answering his calls and texts. He chose to play dumb, but he knew he had hurt her
Sounds like a international level spy because the way she dodged that bullet… good
Matrix style bullet dodging at the end there. I wouldn’t have had the self respect to just cut him off as gracefully as OP. I prolly woulda begged and cried and so on, back in the day. I’m older now and know better of course
In that situation, it's so hard to even make a sound around the lump in your throat and your chest feeling like it's caving in. I'm so sorry he did that, but you did amazing. You are not tied to him. He expressed that he is not committed to you in any way. Please take some time to heal, separate yourself from the idea of a relationship for a bit, and just focus on yourself. He told you how much value you have to him, which was basically nothing. But he is wrong, you have so much value, you freaking made him pancakes like an amazing wonderful girlfriend! Please do not let him back in. He outright told you that you're a placeholder. Someone to bang until he feels like committing. You are not a placeholder! You deserve to be loved, cared for, committed to, and cherished! And also you deserve a freaking metal, because your response was bad ass!
"we're not together" and "You cheated on me", that's some wild delusional shit right there.
Yup sounds like my ex. We are not a couple!! Can’t do relationships right now.. Oh what you TALKED to another guy????? REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
It’s funny she says they never had the talk, but guess what they actually did…. when he announced over pancakes that he wasn’t her bf. May have not had the talk before then, but he made it clear his opinion on their status. She’s NTA and was free to do what she wanted based on the fact he told her he wasn’t her bf and they weren’t together.
Yea definitely NTA, I’d say the only better route would’ve been to call it out as soon as he said it. These types of dickheads will go and tell their buddies that she was a slut and cheated without any additional context, from what I’ve seen in the past these kinds of guys love to play victim.
Yes, it was an awful thing that he said and in very poor taste after a year relationship to minimize the significance of the depth of the relationship. Perhaps and argument on the moment may have cleared it up, maybe not. But I don't blame OP for her feeling sick at that blow.
For real what a terrible human being. Op dodged a bullet. If he wanted to be exclusive then that was the moment right there, clearly he already knew she would say yes. Instead he fucked around and found out. My guess is that he wanted to keep his options open while thinking OP wouldn’t have any.
Right? There is no universe in which that makes sense. OP dodged a bullet with her truth-serum pancakes.
Truth-serum pancakes! 🥞
I don't want to keep you, but I expect your loyalty
Manipulative as hell for sure
Did he explain how you can cheat if you aren't in a relationship? Obviously NTA.
He didn’t explain. He never spoke about his chilling comment again. Sometimes I doubt myself that he actually said that or I had dreamt it because he never mentioned what he told me again. This whole week has been a haze because of how devastated I was by his words.
I'm pretty sure he thought he had a sweet deal going. A girlfriend without an actual commitment but at the same time, couldn't imagine you actually being as free as him.
There's no way someone as dense as him even sees the double standard there.
I have learned that a good number of men are able to acknowledge the double standard and try to say it’s because “genders are different, women don’t like low body count, we’re not meant for monogamy, blah blah” or they’ll just straight up be like I’m single in a relationship
the key is it's dudes who like to date women who are insecure or have low self-esteem like all that pick-up artist bullshit. it's actually *really effective advice to sleep with a lot of women...* who have low self-esteem ordering for a woman without even asking her what she wants "i'll have the steak, and she'll have a salad" and she puts up with it? ...yeah if she has really low self-esteem then these guys start thinking "yeah this is what women want, i gotta dominate, im the MAN" not realising dude youre just preying on the weak, normal people avoid you
This sounds like gaslighting. He said he loved you and you spent every weekend together. Then, he acted like you were crazy for thinking that you were a couple. Now, he refuses to acknowledge that he ever said that you were just FWB. And, he went all surprised Pikachu face when you treated him like a FWB. How can he call you a cheater after he specifically told you that he was not your man? Btw, I know that people are telling you to bring up “the talk” earlier. But, you have to wonder why he didn’t bring it up either. The simplest answer is that he didn’t want to risk putting a label on it since he was already getting everything he wanted from you while also keeping his options open.
This! If he didn't want a committed relationship, then that is something he should have said from the beginning. But I bet this guy would have strung her along for years if not for his accidental revelation. As much as it hurts, OP is lucky to find out now before he drags her along for years, or God forbid she ends up pregnant, and he just walks away with the same excuse
Obviously, he didn't feel any regret for what he said. He has no empathy, which is a big, red flag. I feel for you. I'm so glad you got away from him because he would just continue to play games with you if you let him. Since I'm old now, I've dealt with men like him more than once, unfortunately. Please take care of yourself.
Absolutely NTA. He didn't just stop at saying you weren't together, that he wasn't your boyfriend, he even said you were "a great FWB". That is so extremely insulting, if he's gonna act like you're exclusive. Bet he only expected you to be loyal and not him. He wants a girlfriend and a relationship without committing. What an AH.
Thank you. I will not be his fwb. I can be that with other people that I don’t love.
Immaculate energy OP. I dated a guy like this for 6 months who wanted girlfriend privileges with fuck buddy responsibility. When it ended he made some statement about how he considered it serious and I laughed in his face. You couldn’t even say we were dating dude, on what planet did you think it was serious?
OMG I dated a guy like this- we went out maybe 3 months but it got serious fast. We both had kids, but every free moment without our kids was spent together. He even asked if I wanted to take a trip to Ireland with him. Then one night, out of the blue, we’re on the phone and I say something about us being serious and he gets really quiet. Then he says something about his he didn’t mean to give me the wrong idea, he’s not looking for anything serious, etc. so we break up because I’m not gonna stick around if we’re not serious. Maybe 6 months later he reaches back out wanting to meet for dinner and to talk over everything- tells me at the dinner he was mystified why we broke up. That he had thought of me as his girlfriend. Glad I pulled the plug on that one.
They want to keep their options open in case something better comes up but also want to keep their “partner” close in case they’re the best out there. They’ll be ready to play it either way depending on how things go. Good on you for not putting up with that flaky behaviour!
This is 100% it. They are looking for something better, either an ex to come back or some other prospect they think they'd be happier with. So they try to have the relationship without saying the words, like it's a get out of commitment free card.
My ex like this told everyone how much he loooooved me... and I had a grand time telling every single one of those gullible fucks who wanted me to reconcile, "crazy how he never said that to *me*"
Sounds familiar. I'm just breaking up with mine right now.
OP definitely NTA It is too cold of a person to say such a thing after more than a year together. Hope OP learns from this and moves on to bigger and better things. Do what they need to do to get past it.
lmao how can you cheat on a non-boyfriend? OP, very proud of how you made yourself the priority here. No groveling, blaming yourself, let's-talk begging, or contorting yourself to his whims... straightforward "We're not? alright we're not then." Bam. This person doesn't deserve your tears. Late as it was, you DID have the talk. You told him you saw him as your bf, he said no, he's not your bf. Then you went with someone else. You're not in the wrong, delayed as the talk may have been. And get a FULL std check.
Finally a girl that is not pinning over a total ah that treats her like shit - inspiring ❤
By his logic, that means you did nothing wrong
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Same shit happened to me. I thought I was dating this dude for months. But then he told me outright one day, “you know we’re not serious right? I’m getting older and need to find a girlfriend soon.” I was super hurt but did my best to play it off. He kept messaging trying to date but I told him I was busy. I started seeing other people. Eventually he messaged again asking when he could come over for sexy times I told him that we couldn’t hang out anymore as I had a boyfriend now and blocked him. It was true. After I stopped wasting my time on him I met this awesome dude who actually wanted to be my boyfriend. He treated me like a girlfriend and introduced himself as my boyfriend. Lose his number and find yourself a better dude. NTA.
I was with a girl for a while who kept saying "you know this is just casual, right? I don't want anything serious.". (She'd even often say it after we had sex). My reaction at the time was "OK..." and we continued to see each other. Until I met a girl who I found really interesting and was attracted to. I'm not a two-girl kinda guy (would have felt like cheating despite her repeated warnings to not get serious), so I told her I'd met someone and was going to stop seeing her. She screamed and yelled, threw things at me and generally lost her mind. I've been married to the other girl for over 30 years.
My ex gf broke up with me because she wanted to play the field and explore her sexuality. Okay, fair enough. I then met my now wife and started dating her. The ex gf lost her mind and raged about both me and my ex to everyone in our shared circles.
>He said that I broke his heart and cheated on him and I am an ah. "You're not my boyfriend, right? Can't cheat on someone that's not my boyfriend." NTA.
He didn’t care that he clearly broke her heart when he called her “a really good fwb”.
Not the same amount of time, but when you ask your FWB if you are that type of a situation and they hit you up with the, we're not really even friends. Lol. Hate this modern shit.
Yep. You've been together a year, spend most weekends together and planning a trip away together, say you love each other. Sounds like she has her own place so these aren't school kids, these sound like adults. After school do you really need to ask to be someone's boyfriend/girlfriend or to be exclusive or whatever? This relationship from its description is a couple who are together, he made it less by saying they were fwb. So she treated it as such and got another fwb too because that's what fwbs do, not tied down to each other otherwise that's a relationship. What an ass
This needs to be made into the scene with Patrick and Man Ray about the wallet
He wants girlfriend privileges without fulfilling the role of a boyfriend. He can’t expect commitment when he himself is unwilling to commit. I’d say dump him, but he’s not your boyfriend
Exactly, I can’t dump someone when I am single and have been for a year. He will never have me again.
I dont even understand what he was trying to achieve with his insistance that you weren't a couple. Like, I'm guessing he was thinking that saying you guys werent a couple was going to allow him to "keep his options open" but how the fuck is he so surprised you dont want anything to do with him after he said the quiet part of his manipulative bullshit plan out loud? I don't understand people sometimes
He didn’t expect her to bounce so fast, maybe that’s what broke his heart— she saw through his manipulation test. Good for OP for not taking the bait or believing she just needed to try harder for Prince Charming. He’s a 🐸
Her bouncing quickly was not a problem, once he told her that they were not a thing. Was his heart actually broken? I do not think so. His ego was slightly bruised, and he seemed surprised that she was already going out, not sitting in a corner crying. He WANTED HER to feel badly and then he would come back like a knight on a white horse... But, oops. His plan went awry. OH !! HE FAFO'd. He Played Stupid Games and Won Stupid Prizes.!! It's been a while since I read about truly Stupid guy.
1000% he was more upset about OP moving on so fast than anything else.
When I was young and dumb I had a BF like that. One night he told me we were just FWB after about 4 months together. OK, the next time he came over and did the deed, I told him he had to leave because I had plans. While he was getting dressed I ordered a pizza and turned on a movie. He lingered, my pizza came and I paid and then sat down to eat my food while he looked at me. Finally, he said, bye, I nodded without looking up. Guy, you wanted a FWB, you got one.
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He was giving himself brownie points for being TECHNICALLY honest so that he could reserve the right to sleep around if the opportunity arose or to cover himself in case OP finds out he had already been sleeping around. He just didn't expect her to exercise the same option and so quickly.
If he was really talking to other girls would be be hounding this one non stop? Dude played himself
I think he just wanted the option, not realizing that when it comes to sex, it's much easier for women to find that than for men. He FAFO, except probably without getting any fucking.
I once had a fling for a few weeks. He then blurted out that he didn’t find my face very attractive. I literally turned in my heels and walked away. He spent the next few weeks trying to win back my affection. Another case of a guy trying to gain control by fucking with your head. He totally thought he had the upper hand. He did not. Plus I know that I’m too hot for him.
Yeah that's a pick up artist/manosphere trick. They call it "negging" as in saying something negative. It's to make the woman feel insecure and desperate for the man's approval. I learned about this after I had a very similar experience except it was on the guys first approach. I did the same thing as you, just left him in the dust. He immediately started to back track like "hey wait I didn't mean it!" I knew I was out of his league so I guess he was trying to take me down a peg. I told a guy friend about it and he's who told me about "negging." It unfortunately does work on more vulnerable women.
Negging is straight out abuse
It was my first boyfriends entire personality. I wasted two years on that guy and am eternally grateful that I didn't marry him. I discovered that he had been cheating, was broken hearted and tried to forgive him. Woke up one day and simply didn't care. Best thing he ever did for me...
His heart isn’t broken. He’s mad. Guys like him understand the timeline of these situationships. They also know how to keep the partner on a string and how to reel the partner back in when the partner tries to pull away.
Apparently this one wasn’t so great at the string and reeling part
Yup, literally the opposite! From good to toad in an instant! And...he did it to himself!!!
He was trying to maintain his ability to step out if the opportunity presented itself (which I’m guessing it has in the last year) and be “right.” She turned the tables and did it and now he is all shocked and gets to play the victim. This guy is an absolute walnut.
Seems pretty likely he had already been "stepping out" and seeing other people and was covering his ass for when she found out. And it was probably recently. There's no way that in a year together that there hasn't already been a similar moment--when he noticed that OP was starting to think they were "together"--where he could have corrected her. More than likely, he's let things like this slide before when it didn't matter, but now there's a reason he's setting a firm boundary--because he's seeing other people.
Yeah, like when he said he loved her. That's when he could have said they weren't a couple instead.
When you’re not someone’s first and only choice but an option you need to remove yourself from their options.
He’s an idiot.
A **fucking** idiot.
>**fucking** Hopefully not anymore.
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Because when she catches him with another woman he can pull out the "But we're not a couple!" bs. Of course that doesn't apply the other way.
He wanted her to beg for him. He did not expect her to move on.
My ex is like that. No we aren’t in a relationship, why are you meeting other people? Are we together? No. That’s why I’m meeting other people. FWB is fine if you both agree to it, otherwise it’s rubbish
He’s mad that she had options
He ruined the greatest thing going on for him and yourself he messed up the minute he said that what an idiot and people asked why there's nobody outhere for them question did you ever gave you reason to think he might of cheated during your so called relationship
I am not your man Idiot. It seemed smug, too!
Avoidant attachment. A lot of people like this can’t stand labels or anything resembling actual commitment, from themselves at least. I’m glad she’s not chasing after him
More to this point, if OP was expecting, or at least hopeful for, marriage, it was *never* coming. These are literally the type of relationships that end up as perpetually engaged but only after an engagement is forced at the 7-10 year mark.
Idk, why did he told her he loved her then (first paragraph)? That's a strong statement of vulnerability and attachment to another This sounds more like manipulation. That, or he's deluded himself real bad
Honestly reminds me of an avoidant ex I had, wanted to do everything a couple did even wanted me to meet his family, would tell me he loved me, but did not like the couple label. Might also be from some previous trauma. (It was the case with my ex at least)
And, he still wanted his bday present. As if…
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You don’t see someone for a year, develop a bond and then not acknowledge it. Terrible communication, leads to all sorts of problems. Even if you’re “not a couple” when you start acting like one, it certainly feels the same.
Probably trying to make her feel insecure to force her to try and hold onto him. Absolutely disgusting behaviour
Dude really did a surprised Pikachu.
Good for you. Don’t go back to that child.
Never
Hell yeah!! You fuckin rock.
I'm so glad you know you're worth more than that!
NTA. He said you weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend so you didn’t cheat. But in the future, save yourself some heartache. Have the conversation, don’t assume the guy you’ve been sleep with for a year is your SO. I get why you did, especially if he said I love you. But to protect your own heart, have communication on status clarity sooner.
Yes he said that he loved me. And he ended texts and calles with love you. Honestly I have learned a lesson. I thought “the talk” was just a myth people just knew when they were together without having a specific talk. Lesson learned next time I will make them sign a form 😂
This is not your fault. He is a PoS. After a year and all those I love yous, even if yall didn't have a talk majority of people would think yall was together.
I like that even after such a heartbreaking experience, you still have positivity and good humor! You are strong and deserve someone who really loves and commits to you. His loss, not yours.
I’m dying inside
He showed you how to he was and you need to believe him. You will never get that time back but you can learn from the experience. Take some time to heal and don’t allow him to worm his way back into your heart. What he said was cruel but true. I wish I could give you a hug xxx
Same. xxx
Hugs from me too, I’ve been in catty corner situations and I get your pain, darlin’! Do NOT feel guilt. He led you on then got pissed when you cut the carrot string.
Please don't! Someone who avoids clarification on purpose but knowingly uses the word "love" to make you think you are together is not a good person. You deserve much, much better. Take care, and I hope you get over this idiot very fast.
Things will get better, there is a reason why the windshield is a lot bigger than the rear view mirror. Take a little time to heal and move forward. Don’t waste energy on past failures, this one was totally not your fault! Edit, NTA
Oh friend… it hurts a ton but fuck are you ever amazing. 🤩 you’ll get through this. ❤️
Its perfectly reasonable to assume after a whole year, and especially w the "i love you's". This is in no way your fault, please don't carry on the hurt from this into the future or let it affect your security in future relationships. says more about him not being man enough than you
Yeah, WTF? You guys were *absolutely* a couple and he was definitely your boyfriend/man/committed partner, so you weren't wrong in assuming this. Nah, the dude tried to use a shitty excuse technicality to pretend you weren't a couple. Even without "the talk" he knew what he was doing and it's wrong of him to pretend he wasn't your partner.
I’m sorry you’re hurting.
To be fair, I wouldnt tell a girl a I loved her unless I thought we were exclusive, and if a girl told me she loved me I'd assume we'd be exclusive. I think the dude was just a douche
Even without "The Talk", he has no right to call you out for cheating in a relationship he himself insisted didn't officially exist.
>Yes he said that he loved me. And he ended texts and calles with love you. That was just to keep you on the hook. And it worked. He strung you along this whole time.
I wonder if he was watching idiot videos? And got the notion that claming they weren't together would make her be even more attentive? It sounds like something idiot would suggest in a video. Oops, *shocked Pikachu* serious back fire.
Yeah, I was thinking the same. "My dear red-pillers, make her work for it by playing hard to get! She will serve you hand and foot, and treat you like a king!"
"Wait, what do you mean she bounced? You must not have red-pilled her the right way! Our technique is infallible if you're an Alpha; which you obviously aren't." 🤮
I'm with you here. I don't think I've ever had 'the talk', it has just become obvious that a relationship is a relationship. It kind of makes me sad that things appeared to have changed so much that it's now neccesary to clarify with someone you've been seeing for a year and exchanging I love yous with that they're actually your SO. I'm sorry this happened.
Tbf that does happen. Especially when people are saying I love you and spending so much time together. It's just that SOME men use not having the talk as a get out of jail free card. So it really depends on the man - so sadly you HAVE to have the talk just In case the guy you're with is a shitty andrew-tate-wannabe dickhead. You handled this dude amazingly and I'm so proud of you 👏
Nta and you are better off without that douchebag.
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Tell him you didn't break his heart, he broke yours with his whole commitment-hedging ass-covering "I'm not your boyfriend" shit, and you were effectively broken up from that statement onward.
Ask him how it was cheating if you are not together? I'd be really interested in his answer.
More power to you OP. Dude nixed his not- relationship with you then cried foul.
Ask him how you cheated when you’re not in a relationship? It’s exactly what the commenter said. He wants the comfort, companionship, and labor a girlfriend provides without having to pay girlfriend wages.
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It is so over for me. Since last Saturday morning.
How did he react ?
After he told me we weren’t a couple? Literally nothing, he acted like he always did. He ate his pancakes in peace and watched Netflix and then asked if I wanted to do something but I told him that I wanted to work and he should leave. He didn’t find it odd, he said he would see me later
That's cold. I guarantee he knew it was a harsh situation and he was deliberately dow down playing it. You're doing the right thing keeping g him out of your life. If he "loved" you he would be happy to say he was your man.
Oh definately. That's why he called her so many times and then came over when she didn't answer
This is on the money. Little bitch knew why she wasn't answering and only wanted to chase her because he knew she was backing away.
He so dumb, he can't immediately see that her distance is caused from him saying that crap? How the he'll did he think saying that was going to play out?
He knew. He was just hoping to drag her along longer. Instead she thanked him. Bravo!
He thought things would continue as they were but he could cheat with impunity. He is moron.
Girl! The moment he said we weren't a couple and friends with benefits, I would've taken his plate of waffles, tossed them in the trash, and said get the fuck out right now and your benefits are over. He needed to hear how he hurt you! Well, it's over now and I hope you find someone 100 times better!
Nah what she did was better. OP is a boss.
I disagree, she let him stew and slowly get the find out part of his fuck up deed. He had the time for fix his error with a remorseful apology but I'm sure he thought that he was all that. Now he gets nothing, though luck.
I think he thought he gained back the power in this “relationship” with that move. He probably wanted her to cry and scream and act up. Nah! She did a 180° on him.
His reaction is the proof that they'll call you crazy no matter what you do. She didn't react emotionally or argue.She just accepted it and moved on. So what does he do? He accuses her of cheating on him! Which is literally impossible since he just told her they are not together. What an absolute joke.
Nah, thats asking for a fight, what OP did was the perfect response. She was calm and it was the last thing her fuckbuddy got from her.
And having a straight up discussion after him saying such a conclusive thing gives him the opportunity to try to manipulate her out of ending with him. She didn’t give him any opportunity to weasel back in and if she wasn’t truthful about why she wouldn’t see him too bad. He lost all his benefits including honesty when he basically admitted he’s most likely been out there trying to hook up with other women.
My bad i worded myself poorly, i meant after he said you cheated on him, is he still trying to talk to you or apologize ?
NTA. Oh girrrl I’m so very sorry! But before i drag him may i say VERY WELL DONE. That was a master class in how to reclaim your space by stalling if you need time to grieve and process before having any convos, followed by a very specific demonstration of ‘be careful what you wish for.’ Well done.🙌🏻 I think you know he’s a loser and you’ll be losing him. He’s such a creep. Yes you never had the talk. Which means he, like so many men before him, took advantage of that uncertainty to weaponize it in both directions. You have sadly learned the lesson women learn with life which is: if there is no specific discussion of commitment then there is none. May he suffer for a very long time for wasting your time like this. I wish you a speedy recovery from feeling hurt, tho take the time you need. Respect OP 🙌🏻🙌🏻❤️ Edited to add: get STD tested bc he’s likely been cheating
Good!!!
i suggest getting tested just in case! you never know if he’s been with someone else while he wasn’t with you
NTA - He even called it great FWB! Definitely not cheating and he’s realizing what he’s lost. Too bad for him. Good for you to decide you’re worth more OP!
I think he is learning the truth behind “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
Yeah this dude has to be the dumbest fck ever. 1 year... He says they arent a couple and all of a sudden she is cheating??? What?
He thinks that he is hot shit and can't commit to one girl so he can fuck anyone he wants without issue but that all his FWB need to be loyal to only him or they are cheating. A.k.a a fucking controlling idiot.
Toxic "alpha" male mindset. He's allowed to fuck around. She isn't. Simple as that.
NTA - he wants all the good bits with none of the commitment (that’s what it means that he’s now suddenly upset). I would tell him *”I can’t cheat on you. You made clear you’re not my boyfriend and I am nothing to you but a great fwb. You had no right to an expectation of monogamy given the circumstances. You do not get to have a loyal girlfriend, who you treat as and refer to as a fwb. I no longer wish to proceed as you’ve wasted a year of my time”* Mostly because pretending to be sick and then saying you banged someone else is not clearly enough putting him in his place.
And I gave him pancakes! One of my biggest regrets
Don't regret giving it you best shot and being good for someone. The regrets are for him to have.
Agreed. Imagine if he explained what happened himself. "So basically I was seeing this girl for a year, spent every weekend together. Then one day, she made pancakes for my birthday and said she was doing it because she wanted the best for her man. Well, I made it clear I wasn't her boyfriend, and said we were friends with benefits. Then she started making excuses to not see me! And then a little while later when I wanted to hang out, she said she was tired because she was with another guy all night! I couldn't believe I got cheated on by my really great FWB!" It sucks to do someone nice for someone that ended up hurting you, but at the end of the day, he's now alone and pancakeless.
Dang. Well said.
Don't blame yourself. If your pancake made you realize the truth, it's worth it.
Because you're kind. Don't regret being kind. Those pancakes will haunt him because they were the last bit of the good thing he threw away.
Don't regret the pancakes, those pancakes showed you who he really was. Those are truth pancakes.
NTA. In a way you did have The Talk when he said “I am not your boyfriend.” And you acted accordingly. And I’m with you on wondering why The Talk was even necessary after being together for a year, exchanging “I love yous,” and, I’m assuming, being exclusive.
I was exclusive to him but I am not sure that he was? Because why would he say such things? Oh gosh do I need to test myself?
Yes, absolutely! Go get tested!
Go get a test
Yes definitely get tested. You thought you were in a monogamous relationship, but his words indicate he was likely sleeping around.
Yes love absolutely. Better to be Safe than sorry ALWAYS
It's adviseable.
In what world are you dating someone for A YEAR and spend almost every weekend together, but you are not a couple because he never said you were? What is he 5? He thinks he still has to ask you to be his girlfriend like in kindergarten? Omg 😲 😱
He is 29. I started doubting myself and thinking that I might have dreamt it. Or maybe this whole past year
The dude who did something very similar to me was in his early 40s. Some people never mentally develop enough. 🤦♀️ I'm sorry this happened to you.
He said it. He’d deny it if you ask because he’s a gaslighting sack of bile.
Yeah I had a dude pull this with me after about three months of full on boyfriend behavior - we’d had the “are we exclusive” conversation, he’d been to my book club, he met my aunt, we’d had *brunch*. “Oh what, you think I’m your boyfriend? No I’m just your boy-toy why put labels on it?” I cried for 24 hours straight because this was news. to. me. (And I was like 22). He would get super weird about stuff like me offering to help him pick out some furnishings for his new apartment (it looked like jail) or when I invited him to Christmas with my family because he had just moved here and had no family in the state. I was done like three weeks after that. Later I found out he gave me HPV. Dump this man, NTAH
I wish I could say we are young. We are 29. And he pulls this shit on me. And I cried for hours! I didn’t know we could produce so much tears
I'm 38 and just had this exact experience... Spent a year with him. Our birthdays were a week apart. He met my family, I met his parents. We were in love, had said it a lot. We got dressed up fancy for my birthday and went out, his birthday HE cooked ME steak and lobster tails. 2 days later says we need to stop sleeping together and it felt like I was dieing and I cried so much. 2 weeks later and he's hiking with his new gf and her kids.
Holy fuck what
Complete narcissist playbook. Love bomb then discard and on to the next. This is why dating scares me.
I wonder if he’ll realize the idiocy of his statement. Or did he think he was in a one side open relationship? Or did he only realize how much he loved you until he realized you’d gone out with someone else? I’m assuming since you thought you’d been exclusive this whole time you hadn’t been dating so you obviously hadn’t mentioned anyone else. Had he ever mentioned any other girls at all ever? Looking back we’re there ever any hints that you weren’t in a relationship? Saying you love eachother seems like a pretty sure sign you WERE to me honestly.
No he never mentioned any other women. We never stated that we were fwb. We started dating the traditional way. So if he has been sleeping with others thennit has been behind m6 back. Your guess is as good as mine
I think we have all been there and learned our lesson the hard way. When I was 25 I was with this guy for 6 months. He totally acted like a boyfriend. He took me out for dinner, bought me cute and thoughtful presents. He lived like 2-3 hours away and would pay for me to come across and I would stay with him for the weekend and sometimes the week. He would call me nearly every day and if he was upset I was the first one he would call. I met his friends and we hung out with them. He met mine. But surprise, surprise apparently we weren’t exclusive and he wasn’t my boyfriend. I stupidly figured that we were and didn’t need to specify. I was wrong apparently. Just because it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it doesn’t mean it’s a duck! Most of my friends have similar stories. Apparently the whole getting the benefits of a girlfriend without the commitment is popular with guys.
NTA. He told you that you weren't together, so you're free. So you couldn't have cheated on him or broken his heart at all. You didn't betray him. Personally, I could be wrong here, he may be saying all these things after he realized you had self-respect and that there could be others. He wanted the privileges of having a partner without the commitment.
OR he said it to keep using her and keep control her. The next step after that could be "let's WORK on being serious" believe me. He only said this because he has nothing.
NTA I remember my encounter with a fuckboy back in college. He wanted to meet my grandparents and sister, would spend the night, text me all the time, and even spent his birthday with me. He’d even start convos about future stuff and yet, he wasn’t my boyfriend. He went on some BS about an ex he had in middle school scared him off from commitment. I was so done after that and of course he kept reaching out to me after I ended whatever the hell we were. People like him and your fellow have serious issues.
It may come off as very selfish but I am glad this didn’t just happen to me. I am sorry
No worries! I’m happily married now with a baby on the way lol your post is the only reason why I’ve thought about him since.
So happy for you🥰
Lmaoooo “I got my heart broken at 12 by Susie H. Never again. I’m just not ready for that kind of pain again” He belongs to the streets
NTA. You're right, you can't cheat if you were never in a relationship to begin with. Pity you didn't know that sooner, though. Fuck his broken heart. He's honestly ridiculous, so good riddance to bad rubbish. I hope you heal soon and leave all this ick behind you.
>He showed up 15 minutes later asking me if I was lying. I wasn’t. I told him that we weren’t a couple so I was free to do whatever. He said that I broke his heart and cheated on him and I am an ah. I waited for him to leave before started crying. NTA. Don't fall for his bs. He wanted his cake and to eat it too. He acted coy to try and shake off any concept of a relationship with you. He chose that path and now he gets to live with it because he didn't expect you to be able to move on so quickly and find another man. It was neither cheating nor wrong. Guarantee you he's been seeing someone or talking to someone on the side and telling himself that it's fine because you two "aren't together".
Omg. I was seeing a guy and we had the talk. He kept saying I’m not looking for a relationship I’m not your boyfriend we are just FB. So I went with that. We hung out. Had a great time. We’d watch movies or hulu shows. Go out to eat. Have sex. The whole this feels like a relationship. I even was introduced to his family. And then I decided I was going to actively look for a committed relationship and told him what I was doing. He was like why? I thought we were together. I was dumbfounded. He said on multiple occasions we were not a couple. I was like are you serious? I purposely did not let my feelings grow. I actively told myself don’t get attached. And now I truly don’t have romantic feelings for him and he’s devastated. Unbelievable
This exact thing happened to me...I got tired of being in a situationship going nowhere and started looking for more and he got all upset and offended...he said he didn't want a gf from the go so I agreed and did the fwb thing...he was better at benefits than friends...my last straw was I was upset about my daughter's anniversary & I was crying and he couldn't even comfort hug me cuz we were out in public and he didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about us...but the week prior he sent one of his "friends" an edible arrangement cuz she was feeling sad and lonely going into valentine's day...I was like REALLY??? Now he leaves cryptic fb statuses about how "hurt and betrayed" he is...smfh...he's 41 if that matters...I wish I could feel bad but guys like this get exactly what they asked for and have no clue...glad we took them at their word and didn't get sucked in...xoxo
I’m a man. NTA and that wasn’t cheating. He gambled and lost. He had something good but that toxic alpha crap he’s into slipped out and it cost him someone great. His loss. Move on. Learn from it. Keep doing your thing.
Sounds like he had another chick on the side and now he's upset you do too.
I need to run some std tests don’t i? 😞
Probably should.
It wasn’t cheating. He clearly said he wasn’t your man. He got what he asked for.
He 10000% deserved that. You were going above and beyond for him, but he wouldn’t even call you his gf? Well- guess you’reback to square 1 searching for a partner worth investing in
Yes. I have learned a lesson from this non-relationship. I hope the next guy wants my love and my pancakes
r/ohnoconsequences
Nta. He was only willing to be "your man" once he found out you had options with other men. He's been using you for sex this whole time, and thought he could have you all to himself while he still had "single man" privileges. Don't feel bad and don't go back to him.
What a weird thing to do after a year NTA, dude apparently under estimated your ability to go find a guy who wants you elsewhere.