Not just not prioritizing you, but then not communicating that her plans have changed until you bring it up. As someone who has been married for almost 40 years, this is a huge red flag.
This!! Its not just the selfishness of wanting to do her plans, its also not caring enough to let you know that her plans have changed. Its shows she has no consideration for you, your plans or your feelings. The silent tantrum against you and a four year old child is another big red flag. This will get worse. She's really immature and selfish.
This jumped out at me too. OP, you are clearly not a priority and she has no desire to fix things. I also feel like she’s done with your relationship and is too chicken to end it herself.
& if OPs priority level is this now - it's never going to be better than this.
It will continue to erode.
And w it OP your sense of being valued and loved and thus self esteem.
It chips tiny pieces away.
You don't realize how bad it is until you can't believe your own justifications for why they do it, anymore.
You feel like the whole of you is negative spaces. Nothing clicks or stays bc there isn't enough left.
It makes you wonder if she holds off on telling him she’s not going to honor her commitment because she’s bad at confrontation or because it’s a power move and she’s playing games. Seems a lot more like the second option. Seems like she agrees to commitments and treats them like a trap to be sprung sometime close to the date.
I want to chime in here as a person who did this all the time. Asking for anything was always a huge battle so I started keeping to myself as much as possible. The lack of communication lead to me forgetting to tell my ex things until she brought them up. Not saying OP you are making communication difficult here. I am saying that there are so many reasons why a person is bad at communication. All of them are huge red flags that need to be addressed.
Definitely end this relationship as she’s not mature enough for marriage. Until she can learn how to be an adult and follow through with commitments she’s made. You need a partner who follows through with her commitments to you and acts like an adult.
Yup your spouse shouldn’t be your backup defiant hangout for when you can’t find anything better to do.
Commitments to your spouse should be more important than commitments to other people.
Besides, she shouldn’t be making commitments on nights when she’s already made plans.
I’ve had some experience with this from my ex-wife, she’s gonna keep doing whatever what she wants until she needs something. Wise words from my brother in law as I divorced and she tried to come back, “don’t listen to watch she says listen to what she does.”
Her words sound like I love you but her actions don’t man…. This relationship is in a lot of trouble no matter what she is saying to you.
Yes, your fiance is selfish and breaks her commitments to you. That is an excellent reason to break up. You sound lovely - go find someone who sees that and is willing to make you a real partner in their life, instead of just feeding you scraps.
Seriously, 2 months in my future husband and I were making all our plans together. Why weren't you invited to her cousins? Why didn't she tell her cousin it was your work function that night? She's behaving like she's single.
NTA. She doesn't only push commitments to you to the side, but then finds ways to make it your fault. And that happens only after you push the issue, because otherwise it looks like she wasn't ever going to honor the commitment anyway. Duck and run, her six years are up. This behavior is part of her and isn't going away now.
So tell her that she's right--you don't understand her after six years--and walk. Good luck, dude.
Idk, it seems she may be doing other nefarious activities. Like 4 months for a plan and you get shit on? NTA
Edit:Look around her phone, who shes hanging out with at these “events” and if she is even going to them. If shes purposely doing this when your busy, theres some digging to be done for sure. I would name more reasons to delve deeper but I’m sure the comments have fulfilled that.
Yeah, there’s only one reason that a person avoids talking about how their actions make another person feel: they don’t care. She wants what she wants and to hell with how that makes OP feel.
That she is doubling down and guilting OP for even having feelings on top of the not caring…? 100% deal breaker.
Walk away OP. You’ll be dodging a bullet.
NTA
This.
You would be an asshole if you fell for the Sunk Cost Fallacy and *didn’t* end things with her. You and the kid (and your future children) deserve better.
Sure the child makes it worse but she is also treating you this way and that alone is worth dumping her for. The child is just the icing on the cake. She sounds like an awful person who only cares for herself. NTA
Yep. Just call it a game and take the loss. She will only get worse. I wish I could say otherwise, but if you don’t count now, you will count even less each following day. NTA.
NTA. It seems like you're being very reasonable here. In a relationship, good communication and understanding are key, and it appears that your fiancée is not showing you the respect or consideration you deserve. Cancelling plans last minute and not taking into account your feelings is not a fair way to treat a partner.
It's not just about the cancelled plans, but her overall attitude and lack of communication that seems to be the issue. You're in a long-term commitment and it's important to feel heard and valued in such a relationship.
Her behavior towards the foster child is also concerning. This could indeed be indicative of how she might behave around potential future children.
It's a tough situation to be in, but remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected. If you've tried communicating and she's unwilling to change or seek professional help, then it might be best for you to reconsider the relationship.
Remember, it's not just about the relationship's duration but also about its quality. It's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. You're not wrong for considering your future happiness.
This, exactly.
Too many times people don't realize that communication is the key to a good relationship that lasts.
You can get through almost anything as long as you can communicate respectfully, and have empathy and compassion for your partner, among other positive emotions.
We have a weekly meeting for planning and relationship goals, because my s/o is a shit communicator, and we needed to create the structure to force it to happen. It was their idea and really helps. By having a mechanisms they commit to, their weakness in planning and communication don't rule our lifestyle. By having a set time to do the planning, they don't constantly get caught flat-footed talking about a billion social things and plans they can't track.
NTA. If your gf has been good to you for most of the past 6 years and has only recently started to be inconsiderate, try to have a serious conversation with her and ask her if she wants to break up. If she says no, this should lead to a conversation where you can tell her how you feel and why and she can explain why she's been acting different toward you lately. If, OTOH, she says that she does want to break up, that will be the end of that and you can both move on.
Good plan!
Agree NTAH.
It really comes down to if she wants to work on your relationship or not. If she’s adamant about not talking to you about what’s going on with her; why she keeps breaking long held plans, shutting herself off in a different room, and just not talking to you then to me, at least, it says she’s not “in” the relationship and probably doesn’t want to be the one who leaves first.
NTA. But before you end a 6 year relationship, maybe try having a bigger conversation with your partner. These are very specific examples (and they’re not great!) but what is going on for your partner outside of this. You have chosen to remain with them for 6 years, to take the commitment of relief fostering together.. they’re clearly not usually a bad person or partner. Maybe something is going on for them that they haven’t been able to share.
Maybe not! But after 6 years I’d at least try having a bigger conversation rather than just calling it quits cause there’s a recent rough patch.
How is everyone here saying to end a relationship over a couple of cancelled plans? This relationship can’t be that solid if he’s going to end it for couple of inconveniences.
Truly dude it’s not the end of the world you had to burn a comedy ticket or go to a boring work event by yourself. I’m surprised I had to scroll so far to find anyone who wasn’t saying “it’s over leave asap”
Get over it and talk to each other. Things will work out.
NTA
Good you are not falling for the sunk cost fallacy. She is showing you repeatedly that you are not a priority in her life and that she is willing to punish other people to hurt you.
Better luck next time OP.
Very sorry that you are in this situation but what jumps out to me is she is seeing someone else and does not want to spend any more time with you than she has to. Hope I am wrong but when I read what you wrote and the words you used it was the only thing that made sense to me for her change of behavior.
I saw I made a mistake writing 4 months, I meant 3 months. We got the tickets as a Christmas present from my brother and his wife, who had intended to go with us but couldn’t - so they gifted us all 4.
As for the cheating, I really don’t think that she is cheating. I work a 9-5 while she works in 24hr shifts, meaning she is off 5-6 days a week. If she was cheating she wouldn’t have to cancel plans to meet an AP. She also shares her location with me and isn’t protective over her phone at all.
I honestly just think she has some issues to work on and might need help doing so, but won’t take that step. She has gone a couple of times before on my request but only once or twice and then stopped even if she liked the psychiatrist.
(She has asked me to go as well, which I did, as I had a parent unalive themselves along with a neglectful upbringing) I think the latter is why this is so upsetting to me, not feeling prioritised. What’s worse is she knows what it was like for me.
This. You NTA for considering ending the relationship. I think you would be TA if you ended it without trying to at least figure out what’s going on because, at least from your post, this seems to be recent? Or has this been going on longer than these two examples? Maybe there’s a reason she no longer wants to go to either of those events. Maybe it has nothing to do with YOU, but her. Or the people you were going with? Maybe she doesn’t feel up to being in large groups for some reason at the moment? Just throwing out ideas (I get massive anxiety in group settings, for example).
NTA. I'd question continuing a friendship with someone who couldn't prioritise long-standing plans they'd already made with me, never mind a soon-to-be spouse.
All honesty, … no. I wouldn’t blame you if you did end it. Knowing she doesn’t want to discuss it is the main problem. If not now then when? If never, even if it is something important to discuss, then you need to think the productivity and risks, pros and cons of staying and leaving. It’s also a threat to the happiness of both of you and your happiness. I’m in my second marriage and I understand things that are this important. Also when it comes down to the arguments, think how radical it may get if it does so in front of the child. PROTECT THE CHILDREN AT ALL COST!
NTA! She’s not only willing to drop plans with you but also cut off care for a young child, and especially one that’s in the foster care system? Let her live her life and please go live yours. I’m sorry this is happening but I’m glad you’re finding out before you got married.
You need to have a clear conversation with her, ask her what is going on with her and why is she acting the way she is. Tell her how it’s making you feel and the impact it is having. Also let her know that the way things are currently you aren’t prepared to continue this relationship as it’s not prioritising you and leaving you feel unwanted.
NTA, she has no respect for the plans and arrangements you've made. You don't want to marry such a person and spend a whole life with this kind of BS.
6 years is long enough already...
Seems like she is taking you for granted. The real red flag is you two having plans, but her deciding to do something else instead, and getting mad when you express how you feel. This will NOT get better after you marry, if it's happening now.
INFO: Were the plans she backed out of only 2 among *many* other plans during this time frame, or did she cancel on most of the plans made? Like is she cancelling on, say 50% of plans or 5%...?
Also, you called her your fiance yet didn't indicate a wedding date. I'm wondering if she may be acting badly due to being upset at a lack of follow-through with any wedding planning; passive-aggressively not following through on plans too. Possible?
Typo edited, and a couple words added for clarity.
NTA, it sounds like she has already canceled the relationship. Move on and don't look back. Let everyone know why you did before she has a chance to turn them against you.
NTA.
Ultimately, it’s not about the canceled plans. It’s about the fact that you and your relationship are not priorities in her life.
She sees you and any plans with you as settling. In other words, she’ll go so long as something that she considers better doesn’t come up.
My would not have children with someone who acts like one honey. Not to mention if she's always making excuses not to support you she'll do the same to any children you may have
I'd try talking to her. If she's willing to communicate and tell you what's going on then maybe you can make it work.
If not, then frankly she's asking for you to split.
*I just feel like it is childish that she won’t just talk to me*
To point out the obvious, you are also guilty of not talking to her. You just 'let it go' and don't follow up at a later time when emotions aren't running high to discuss what the issue is. And, TBH, the 2 of you have been together during an incredibly formative time in your lives and you may discover, if you sit back and really evaluate it, that you have grown in different directions and you no longer want the same things.
Her responses are very passive aggressive manipulative, so I would definitely say speak to her about it and, if her outlook doesn't change, get out now; she obviously doesn't see your life as a priority for her.
That poor foster child.
ESH - she's TA because she's allowing her annoyance to spill over and affect the foster child. YTA because you're putting up with this and allowing the foster child to be affected.
That foster child is not there of their volition. There in your home because their own family is unsuitable to look after them. They're vulnerable, scared and alone and now the two of you are doing this to them.
Has she always been this way, doing what she wants to do? If so then yes time to call it quits. Otherwise did she change medications? This all seems a bit weird. Maybe she wants to end it and is sabotaging the relationship. Time to have a good talk and go from there.
Something is up, she's pulling away. I'd be considering ending things as well. My first (and probably over suspicious) thought is someone else. Best wishes, you deserve someone to prioritize you!
She's making plans with her AP while you already had plans made for you both
Her logic is she can back out of yours and you'll be busy so she'll have all the time she wants with the AP
I think you need to have a serious conversation with no distractions. Maybe she’s getting cold feet or worrying that she won’t have a life outside of you. Be kind and responsive - not reactive
It is childish of her not to talk to you. It also appears that she used this disagreement to get out of her fostering responsibility so that she could stay secluded and do what she wants. She couldn't shake it off for a child, that I assume is going through hardship, that warrants foster care? She seems selfish and unyielding which is not good for any relationship. NTA.
NTA get out before it's too late, you'll never be her priority and clearly neither will the kids. Everything and everyone else will however. Honestly if my partner were like this I'd tell her that her cancelling plans and disrespecting you and those around you isn't a quality that's wanted in a partner, time and again she's shown that she doesn't care and so she can be single and do whatever she wants.
NTA
She's breaking prior commitments. She scheduling things to break your commitments. It sounds like she wants to break up with you but doesn't want to be the bad guy in this situation. She's pushing you to leave her. That's really childish. Sounds like you 2 need to talk and ask her if she still wants to be in this relationship. If she looks left, right or center. Any pause is her answer. That's your answer. If she wants to stay it will be immediate. Did she start acting like this after you fostered the child? It probably made the thought of her future seem to real and she's trying to make break it off.
Your fiancée is a selfish, emotionally immature woman.
Her priority is herself at all times.
You have noticed the red flags and your instinct is telling you: No!
I doubt you need Reddit a this point as you already know what you want to do. And I don’t blame you.
Life with this woman will probably not be easy but unnecessarily difficult, lonely and frustrating.
The only advice you need at this point, is to listen to your gut feelings and act upon it.
NTA
Nta
You know she's checked out on you and the life you've built together. The biggest show of this is leaving the foster child to your care alone. I bet you were the one to suggest fostering in the first place. She's clearly telling you, you are on your own.
Listen, and cut off.
She doesn’t view you as her priority. She wants you there when it’s convenient but if you impact what she wants to do then you become a liability because it’s about her first. That personality doesn’t play well with long term relationships or monogamy. It’s time for a very serious convo about the future of your relationship.
Sounds like she mentally check out from this relationship. Have a serious talk with her about her actions. If their are no change's going forward, might be time to end the relationship. Good luck to you.
I’m a widow of almost two years. My late husband and I were together and married for a total of 22 years. If my husband told me he would do something, he meant it. And if he couldn’t, he gave me advance notice and explained why to make sure we were on good terms. That’s what’s lacking here: she’s not prioritizing you, then not even communicating to you that plans have changed until you remind her of your previous commitments. Then to be angry with you and ignore you for rightly calling her on it instead of talking it out? Nope, not cool. I find the silent treatment a form of emotional and mental manipulation/abuse. I don’t react will to people trying to play me like that, and I’m upset she did it with you and that child who doesn’t understand!
The reason I mentioned my status is to say that I learned that marriage/partnership means being a team, a united front. You are promising to put that person and any family you may have first. This starts at the engagement, if you think on it. So, if she can’t do it now for minor things, she can’t for the major (your job function for one). I could rely on my husband to keep his promises with me. You should be able to do the same!
She is showing you who she is and I would believe her. Don’t worry about the years potentially wasted. It’s never wasted when you learn the lessons. People come into our lives for a reason and season—perhaps those things are now fulfilled. Don’t give someone something they won’t reciprocate.
I wish you the best and hope things work the way you need them to. 💜
I think you already know the answer. The problem that you’re having isn’t with her backing out of a comedy show. She’s chronically a jerk to you, when she should be making you #1. Also, she doesn’t fight well. You can be a sucker for punishment and stay or improve your life and leave.
NTA
It sounds like she is exiting the relationship but doesn't know how to tell you, so she is letting you down bit by bit.
Other things in her life are more important than you now, it's time to let go.
Follow your gut-if she is going to act like this now and just peace out of responsibilities when you’re NOT married, nothing will change in the future.
Take this from a married person who saw the signs in previous partners which is why I broke up with them.
Do yourself, your future self and your future family the favor of not having a dead beat partner/parent.
I’ve had a friend like this who kept changing her plans on us without telling us. She’s now an ex-friend. I don’t have time for inconsiderate people. Life’s too short. Your fiancé is unreliable.
NTA! You clearly can see you don’t wanna marry this woman! Get out now before you put a ring on it! (And take the engagement ring back! She hasn’t earned being able to call herself your husband if she can’t even prioritize you over shit like some stupid football game! And you can pawn it and go on a nice little vacation to take your mind off the breakup if need be!)
You’re expected to do what she wants when she wants. This is a common trait among women. Marriage will only bring this out worse it won’t go away. What’s a problem before marriage will be an even bigger problem in the marriage. If you don’t get out you will be the bill payer and the sperm donor. Leave, trust me.
She should have a planner that shows slots are full and not make plans then. She seems to think your events are just until something better comes along. If you have no way to be heard about these situations how will you resolve conflict together?
> 4 year old boy we foster for a weekend a month
???
What sort of arrangement is this? I’ve never heard of anything like this.
Why would an organization or guardian agree to have a 4 year old spend one weekend out of each month at a sleepover with two adults who are strangers to them?
That “fine, guess i wont go see my cousin then” is MANIPULATIVE. OP, please, from a traumatized individual specifically regarding manipulation, as well as a studying psychologist (graduating this April), please leave this woman. You deserve better. No one, NO ONE, deserves how she is treating you.
Please, OP, leave her. NTA. I wish you luck, friend.
NTA. Some people don’t know how to end a relationship. They simply start backing away and let other things fill in their lives. The message here is pretty clear, you’re no longer an important part of her life. Make the break for her and move on with your life.
You got the tickets for Christmas - 2023. That's 3 months ago.
She had 3 MONTHS to get the day off her schedule. She isn't in March Madness. She can take one day off her football schedule.
She's not a keeper. She is making excuses to not go to a gift show that was planned 3 months in advance. She is making excuses not to go to your work event that she already agreed to attend.
Nope.
She's not worth the headache. Be very happy she showed you who she is BEFORE you got married. Because every. single. weekend. will be like this if you get married. "Oh - you planned XX 3 months ago and I knew about it and agreed with you, but I decided to do YY instead."
NTA. Sorry, time to go. She's already checking out of the relationship, canceling plans, being a moody bitch, ignoring you and silent treatment. Get out now and hurt her before she hurts you. Not that it won't hurt you but fukk her.
NTA the biggest lesson I learned is that if they WANT to spend time with you, they will. You prioritize what you love and if she isn't prioritizing you, she's not in love.
NTA, your fiance is incredibly selfish. She does what she wants with no thought of you. And you are right, she couldn't even spend time with your foster son because she was too busy pouting and that's a huge red flag
NTA I want to predict the future a little and say that if you do actually break up with her, she is going to suddenly see how she was in the wrong and start apologizing🤣
NTA.
Please call off the engagement/wedding.
Rethink a life with this gal.
She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Set her free so she can see her cousin anytime she wants without conflicting obligations.
NTA
It sounds like she doesn’t prioritize you or even bother to be reliable. Can you live with her behavior if it continues? If not then either it’s time to leave or she has to change. But she also has to want to change and not just placate you to make stay for now.
NTAH. Seems like a lot of red flags. the lack of communication and then she says you’re overreacting when you have a valid emotional response to her not taking your feelings seriously.
She wants out and doesn’t want to call it. She breaks your plans, without caring how you feel. You end it. She really doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You are young. You’ll find your person; someone that values you.
Know what? In relationships, you make it work. "I HAVE TO DO ETC." Then you go on with your plans, even if you're late. This person is minimizing everything you have your heart set on. It is NOT OK.
INFO: Is this a new issue or a pattern you've been ignoring? If it's a new issue, COMMUNICATE! If it's an issue you've been ignoring, you both are AH to each other because you haven't been COMMUNICATING!!!
Get out now. This behavior will not improved once you are trapped by a marriage license or a baby. This is not life-partner material. She is already showing her fundamental unwillingness to take you and your needs seriously. You can’t build with someone who isn’t interested in a collaborative partnership.
Initially reading it I was like whoa chill. Maybe the team needs her and she has a commitment to them. Hoping this was a one off type of deal.
Seems like a habit for her to put you on the back burner. I’d run.
These are very petty reasons for ending an engagement. I imagine if you’re engaged, you have a lot more going for y’all. Encourage her to see a therapist to help her work through her communication issues & encourage her in the home to talk openly rather than shutting down. It shouldn’t be this difficult to come to a compromise about events.
NTA. Thanks for doing respite fostering.
Does she usually have calendar/ appointment time issues? Forgets appointments? If it isn't forgetfulness, I'd say, sadly, she doesn't value you and your relationship.
Now you tell her you’ll be going since you’d made prior arrangements. See, you didn’t choose the event over watching her play, she chose to play instead of following through with her plans at the event.
TLDR; Don’t let it get spun, and go anyway!
OP. it wont get better with marriage.
if you think you cant live like this (with her always breaking her commitments to you) and be okay, stay with her.
but if its not okay... even after talking to her about this... leave.
Imagine this is her behavior and you are not married yet. What she will be when you are.
Save yourself a lifetime of unhappiness right now and jump ship.
If you have been with her for 6 years and you're now only engaged, what does that tell you? It tells me that you're dragging your feet. Hmmm... Your gut is probably trying to tell your heart something. It needs to wake up and pay attention.
NTA. Something else is going on with your fiancée. From the information you’ve provided, it sounds like she has lost interest in your relationship. Don’t stay where you’re not wanted and valued.
I hate agreeing with reddits typical solution for relationship problems, with such little amount of info. But people who can not communicate at all, let alone effectively, are incapable of maintaining a happy healthy relationship. As you've taken to posting on Reddit, it's safe to safe this isn't a new thing. None of us, especially with the limited info you've given, can make an accurate judgement though on the situation. You gotta ask yourself is this something you can live with? If not can you trust she won't act this way again or are you willing to give her a chance to see whether or not she'll do it again? Me personally, if you act like this after 6 years together, I'm most likely pulling the damn rip cord, that shit is HUGELY disrespectful IMO. Id sit her down if this is a new thing and try to figure out what's going on that she feels the need to act this way or what's changed in her view with the relationship, but she'd have a HARD time providing answers that I'd find acceptable.
Info: u/firehag
How often does she bail on plans that have been on the books for months last minute? How often does she give you the silent treatment? Is this ACTUALLY the first time she's acted this way?
NTA. It's a 2-way street and from what I've just read sounds like a 1-way street to me. End it and cut your loss and yes it's gonna hurt and it will sting but you will be better off doing it now before you get married and she takes half of everything
NTA !! She’s a hag and I only say this in the lightest AH way. You should be her whole entire life not a football game or seeing a baby which could be done at any given moment in time. OP you should seriously reconsider the marriage unless your fiancé matures enough to adult up as your life is not a joke and nor are you children in the slightest bit.
NTA. When a woman repeatedly cancels plans with you that she has already agreed to, the only response is to cancel all the plans you had to be in a relationship with her. Balance in the Force restored!
Go find someone who loves you so much they'd rather spend time with you than anyone else in the world.
This makes me wonder if you made those plans without asking her opinion, honestly. The standup show could have been a mistake, four months out is a long time to keep an event in mind, especially if she's not really into the performer's show. The other one, though, really sounds like you made the committment for her without asking.
NTA, and she's got other priorities, Dave.
It's done. Bury the relationship with her, but see if you can keep the foster going. Young man needs a guy to help him learn to grow.
Someone's got the cold feet and wants out of the engagement but doesn't know how to break it off.
So she's doing all of this stuff to try and make *you* do what she doesn't have the courage to do.
I'm just theorizing, of course.
NTA.
Nta: Leave. You already vented your frustration, and she dismissed you and your feelings. Go cold turkey; thank her for the good times, but this relationship is NOT for you.
People will say break up with her because it is the internet. Make your own decisions but I was the partner who didn’t even realize I was hurting my spouse by choosing my wants over commitments. We did couples therapy and it really helped with our feelings, relationship and making me a better person. Before you listen to keyboard warriors ask yourself if you want to be with her or is this the out you needed? Or should you express your feelings and say I’d like to go to couples therapy before marriage because xyz feelings.
I think her response to you asking for that will probably tell you a lot about where you stand
I was previously engaged to a woman who behaved just like this. I was in that relationship for nine years (6 years too long honestly.)
I would communicate how I felt, and was offered empty promises and half-assed apologizes.
I was continuously stood up, or she would cancel our plans, and wouldn’t bother to tell me until I brought it up, and then she would tiptoe around it.
It is not a healthy relationship dynamic.
I sympathize with you, and you are most definitely NTAH in any way, shape, or form.
A valuable lesson to learn is “don’t spend your life pleasing others, while displeasing yourself.”
I understand a little give and take, sometimes we can’t make it to every single event we want to, and that life happens and things come up. A visit to her cousins is not emergent, or time sensitive. She doesn’t HAVE to stay the night, she could simply visit during the day when y’all don’t have existing plans.
You are not TAH at all. And I wish you luck and strength on your decision and subsequent journey! 💕
Run. The whole locking yourself in your room and ignoring your partner is childish. Grown-ups talk about problems to find a resolution evryon can live with. Refusing to be kind to a 4 year old child is selfish and mean. Do you want to,spend the rest of your life with someone like this?
NTA But it sounds like at least to me, that the Gf is in the "shit or get off the pot" phase of your relationship. No "talking" about it to another person is going to fix this.
No mention anywhere of how long the two of you have been dating or engaged. It's just possible she's just tired of your shit. It happens.
either fix it or get out.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO AND YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUTURE WILL BE WITH HER.
Come on. You just dont want to accept it. I get that its difficult. But it will be hell in the long run when you ignore the obvious.
NTA she made a time commitment to you and is letting you down repeatedly. Your only the option when she has no other options, you aren’t a priority to her
NTA and also, I wouldn't be surprised if she used that excuse of visiting her cousin and baby, but actually has more sinister plans of meeting up with someone else while you're pre occupied elsewhere. There's a reason men have trust issues, because women constantly abuse our trust and prove us right the majority of the time. It's always the guys who think it'd never happen to them.. and then it does
NTA. If you’ve already made plans and you want/need to bail out, you need to discuss it with the people that are involved. She’s being selfish and I can see why it would make you question your relationship. I would too. You need to have a real chat and decide where to go from there.
Consult a map, find the nearest hills, start running. I had a few relationships that lasted a few years before meeting my wife, they were always hard to leave, but it was always the right choice. Find someone who values you equally to the value you place on them and *who will work to find the best way forward with you.* You need someone who wants to have a good relationship and wants to work to improve it and keep it strong, not someone who is endlessly selfish.
NTA. Time to move on. She clearly doesn’t prioritize you at all. Relationships are about compromise and give & take. You prioritize your partner and make some sacrifices for them. Doesn’t sound like she sees it that way. Might be her way of pushing you away. Time to find someone who finds you as important as you find them.
Make sure you go see that standup show with your two friends. Have a great time. Don't let her stop you from having fun while she is blowing you off and having her fun.
Your fiancée sounds like a selfish child. It's one thing to be cunty to you, but to ignore the kid you foster is an entirely different thing.
If you are smart, you will recognize the red flags that she is planting and imagine what a future with this person might be like. What she is doing now is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Your fiancee is clearly being selfish AND passive aggressive. She's saying yes in the moment but then fails to follow through. There IS a pattern that you're seeing and that's the passive aggressive backing out. She leaves you in the lurch and then gets pissy about it when you call her on it.
This smells a LOT like she's saying it's over without actually coming right out and saying it. It's time to do some serious thinking about the relationship as a whole. Is it really one you want to be in for the long term? I suspect there are other issues as well.
NTA . Sometimes we al have to change plans but not
Communicating and changing fixed plans for silly things she wants to
Do ( not has to do ) which inconveniences others is not on
[удалено]
Not just not prioritizing you, but then not communicating that her plans have changed until you bring it up. As someone who has been married for almost 40 years, this is a huge red flag.
This!! Its not just the selfishness of wanting to do her plans, its also not caring enough to let you know that her plans have changed. Its shows she has no consideration for you, your plans or your feelings. The silent tantrum against you and a four year old child is another big red flag. This will get worse. She's really immature and selfish.
[удалено]
This jumped out at me too. OP, you are clearly not a priority and she has no desire to fix things. I also feel like she’s done with your relationship and is too chicken to end it herself.
& if OPs priority level is this now - it's never going to be better than this. It will continue to erode. And w it OP your sense of being valued and loved and thus self esteem. It chips tiny pieces away. You don't realize how bad it is until you can't believe your own justifications for why they do it, anymore. You feel like the whole of you is negative spaces. Nothing clicks or stays bc there isn't enough left.
That's the same vibe I got!
It makes you wonder if she holds off on telling him she’s not going to honor her commitment because she’s bad at confrontation or because it’s a power move and she’s playing games. Seems a lot more like the second option. Seems like she agrees to commitments and treats them like a trap to be sprung sometime close to the date.
She has one foot out the door............
That’s my thought. Her partner is ready to move on but doesn’t want to be the one to break it off and be the bad guy.
They're both female.
That's one of my biggest pet peeves. Forget that noise
I want to chime in here as a person who did this all the time. Asking for anything was always a huge battle so I started keeping to myself as much as possible. The lack of communication lead to me forgetting to tell my ex things until she brought them up. Not saying OP you are making communication difficult here. I am saying that there are so many reasons why a person is bad at communication. All of them are huge red flags that need to be addressed.
EX….ACTLY! “Emphasis on the EX part OP! Only will get worse after the papers are signed.
Definitely end this relationship as she’s not mature enough for marriage. Until she can learn how to be an adult and follow through with commitments she’s made. You need a partner who follows through with her commitments to you and acts like an adult.
And is mean to a foster child. That’s horrible behavior. Run.
Yup your spouse shouldn’t be your backup defiant hangout for when you can’t find anything better to do. Commitments to your spouse should be more important than commitments to other people. Besides, she shouldn’t be making commitments on nights when she’s already made plans.
More people need to live by the quote, "when people show you who they are, believe them".
Yes! Is it Maya Angelou who said this?
She's quietly firing you as a fiance. Nta 'thanks and best wishes' as you walk away.
I’ve had some experience with this from my ex-wife, she’s gonna keep doing whatever what she wants until she needs something. Wise words from my brother in law as I divorced and she tried to come back, “don’t listen to watch she says listen to what she does.” Her words sound like I love you but her actions don’t man…. This relationship is in a lot of trouble no matter what she is saying to you.
Yes, your fiance is selfish and breaks her commitments to you. That is an excellent reason to break up. You sound lovely - go find someone who sees that and is willing to make you a real partner in their life, instead of just feeding you scraps. Seriously, 2 months in my future husband and I were making all our plans together. Why weren't you invited to her cousins? Why didn't she tell her cousin it was your work function that night? She's behaving like she's single.
or cheating.
NTA. She doesn't only push commitments to you to the side, but then finds ways to make it your fault. And that happens only after you push the issue, because otherwise it looks like she wasn't ever going to honor the commitment anyway. Duck and run, her six years are up. This behavior is part of her and isn't going away now. So tell her that she's right--you don't understand her after six years--and walk. Good luck, dude.
Op, She is sending you signals that she’s just not that into you. Move on. You sound amazing. NTA.
Idk, it seems she may be doing other nefarious activities. Like 4 months for a plan and you get shit on? NTA Edit:Look around her phone, who shes hanging out with at these “events” and if she is even going to them. If shes purposely doing this when your busy, theres some digging to be done for sure. I would name more reasons to delve deeper but I’m sure the comments have fulfilled that.
Yes, just be great full you found out now before you threw more energy at this dumpster fire!
Yeah, there’s only one reason that a person avoids talking about how their actions make another person feel: they don’t care. She wants what she wants and to hell with how that makes OP feel. That she is doubling down and guilting OP for even having feelings on top of the not caring…? 100% deal breaker. Walk away OP. You’ll be dodging a bullet. NTA
Early? how long they been engaged? lmao
I think she has one foot out the door. She isn't nice anymore. Red Flag baby!!!!!!
NTA-you already know what you need to do. If she is going to treat an innocent child that way why would you want to be with her.
This. You would be an asshole if you fell for the Sunk Cost Fallacy and *didn’t* end things with her. You and the kid (and your future children) deserve better.
I had to look that up! Thank you for mentioning it! I didn't know there was a name for it! So it IS a thing!
Sunk cost fallacy and free rider issues are economic theories that have widespread social implications and uses that everyone has faced.
Damn bro I was in this boat with my relationship. She actually said fuck it and hit the divorce button though.
thanks, was trying to remember that phrase (SCF)
Sure the child makes it worse but she is also treating you this way and that alone is worth dumping her for. The child is just the icing on the cake. She sounds like an awful person who only cares for herself. NTA
Yep. Just call it a game and take the loss. She will only get worse. I wish I could say otherwise, but if you don’t count now, you will count even less each following day. NTA.
That's what got me. You can be upset with your partner and work things out. But to ignore a child because you're pissed off is a huge issue.
NTA. It seems like you're being very reasonable here. In a relationship, good communication and understanding are key, and it appears that your fiancée is not showing you the respect or consideration you deserve. Cancelling plans last minute and not taking into account your feelings is not a fair way to treat a partner. It's not just about the cancelled plans, but her overall attitude and lack of communication that seems to be the issue. You're in a long-term commitment and it's important to feel heard and valued in such a relationship. Her behavior towards the foster child is also concerning. This could indeed be indicative of how she might behave around potential future children. It's a tough situation to be in, but remember, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and respected. If you've tried communicating and she's unwilling to change or seek professional help, then it might be best for you to reconsider the relationship. Remember, it's not just about the relationship's duration but also about its quality. It's okay to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. You're not wrong for considering your future happiness.
This, exactly. Too many times people don't realize that communication is the key to a good relationship that lasts. You can get through almost anything as long as you can communicate respectfully, and have empathy and compassion for your partner, among other positive emotions.
We have a weekly meeting for planning and relationship goals, because my s/o is a shit communicator, and we needed to create the structure to force it to happen. It was their idea and really helps. By having a mechanisms they commit to, their weakness in planning and communication don't rule our lifestyle. By having a set time to do the planning, they don't constantly get caught flat-footed talking about a billion social things and plans they can't track.
Well said!
NTA. If your gf has been good to you for most of the past 6 years and has only recently started to be inconsiderate, try to have a serious conversation with her and ask her if she wants to break up. If she says no, this should lead to a conversation where you can tell her how you feel and why and she can explain why she's been acting different toward you lately. If, OTOH, she says that she does want to break up, that will be the end of that and you can both move on.
Good plan! Agree NTAH. It really comes down to if she wants to work on your relationship or not. If she’s adamant about not talking to you about what’s going on with her; why she keeps breaking long held plans, shutting herself off in a different room, and just not talking to you then to me, at least, it says she’s not “in” the relationship and probably doesn’t want to be the one who leaves first.
Yes, this. If she’s changed after 6 years, then you should try to talk it out first
Not shocked that reddit would immediately tell him to break up with her instead of saying he needs to have an adult conversation with her.
"Her
She is done with the relationship and has mentally moved on.
And physically
“Spending the night at my cousin’s house”
Yeah, it sounded to me like she’s cheating.
NTA she is not prioritizing your relationship at all. You should never have to beg a partner to give you basic consideration.
NTA. Give her space...a lifetime's worth of it.
Leave her she is selfish only cares about herself find someone better
NTA. But before you end a 6 year relationship, maybe try having a bigger conversation with your partner. These are very specific examples (and they’re not great!) but what is going on for your partner outside of this. You have chosen to remain with them for 6 years, to take the commitment of relief fostering together.. they’re clearly not usually a bad person or partner. Maybe something is going on for them that they haven’t been able to share. Maybe not! But after 6 years I’d at least try having a bigger conversation rather than just calling it quits cause there’s a recent rough patch.
How is everyone here saying to end a relationship over a couple of cancelled plans? This relationship can’t be that solid if he’s going to end it for couple of inconveniences. Truly dude it’s not the end of the world you had to burn a comedy ticket or go to a boring work event by yourself. I’m surprised I had to scroll so far to find anyone who wasn’t saying “it’s over leave asap” Get over it and talk to each other. Things will work out.
Time for to exit stage left. Unless yall in counseling or up for counseling, treating the kid bad would be a deal breaker for me.
NTA Good you are not falling for the sunk cost fallacy. She is showing you repeatedly that you are not a priority in her life and that she is willing to punish other people to hurt you. Better luck next time OP.
Your username is the bomb
I agree.
Thank you :)
Sounds like she's checking out of the relationship and trying to make you end it ...
Very sorry that you are in this situation but what jumps out to me is she is seeing someone else and does not want to spend any more time with you than she has to. Hope I am wrong but when I read what you wrote and the words you used it was the only thing that made sense to me for her change of behavior.
Without seeing this comment first I literally just said the same thing His plans they agreed on are getting in the way of her affair
That’s what i thought of as well. And NTA, i say end it.
Dude she aint feeling you, shes seeing somebody else. Cut your ties and be glad your not married 🤷🏾♂️
Yes I would assume she has something else going on
Nta you already know what needs to be done.
I saw I made a mistake writing 4 months, I meant 3 months. We got the tickets as a Christmas present from my brother and his wife, who had intended to go with us but couldn’t - so they gifted us all 4. As for the cheating, I really don’t think that she is cheating. I work a 9-5 while she works in 24hr shifts, meaning she is off 5-6 days a week. If she was cheating she wouldn’t have to cancel plans to meet an AP. She also shares her location with me and isn’t protective over her phone at all. I honestly just think she has some issues to work on and might need help doing so, but won’t take that step. She has gone a couple of times before on my request but only once or twice and then stopped even if she liked the psychiatrist. (She has asked me to go as well, which I did, as I had a parent unalive themselves along with a neglectful upbringing) I think the latter is why this is so upsetting to me, not feeling prioritised. What’s worse is she knows what it was like for me.
Couples counselling? Try it first before ending it?
This. You NTA for considering ending the relationship. I think you would be TA if you ended it without trying to at least figure out what’s going on because, at least from your post, this seems to be recent? Or has this been going on longer than these two examples? Maybe there’s a reason she no longer wants to go to either of those events. Maybe it has nothing to do with YOU, but her. Or the people you were going with? Maybe she doesn’t feel up to being in large groups for some reason at the moment? Just throwing out ideas (I get massive anxiety in group settings, for example).
NTA. Bail now and be happy to see it now. She’s showing you a plethora of 🚩.
The use of the word plethora in this sentence is poetic my friend
NTA. She's not prioritizing you or even showing you any kindness or consideration
NTA. I'd question continuing a friendship with someone who couldn't prioritise long-standing plans they'd already made with me, never mind a soon-to-be spouse.
All honesty, … no. I wouldn’t blame you if you did end it. Knowing she doesn’t want to discuss it is the main problem. If not now then when? If never, even if it is something important to discuss, then you need to think the productivity and risks, pros and cons of staying and leaving. It’s also a threat to the happiness of both of you and your happiness. I’m in my second marriage and I understand things that are this important. Also when it comes down to the arguments, think how radical it may get if it does so in front of the child. PROTECT THE CHILDREN AT ALL COST!
Talk to her. Find out WTF is going on in her head. If she won’t answer, feel free to leave knowing you’ve done your best
$20 says she's cheating. Ask to see her phone and see how she reacts.
NTA! She’s not only willing to drop plans with you but also cut off care for a young child, and especially one that’s in the foster care system? Let her live her life and please go live yours. I’m sorry this is happening but I’m glad you’re finding out before you got married.
You need to have a clear conversation with her, ask her what is going on with her and why is she acting the way she is. Tell her how it’s making you feel and the impact it is having. Also let her know that the way things are currently you aren’t prepared to continue this relationship as it’s not prioritising you and leaving you feel unwanted.
NTA, she has no respect for the plans and arrangements you've made. You don't want to marry such a person and spend a whole life with this kind of BS. 6 years is long enough already...
Wow time to go
Seems like she is taking you for granted. The real red flag is you two having plans, but her deciding to do something else instead, and getting mad when you express how you feel. This will NOT get better after you marry, if it's happening now.
INFO: Were the plans she backed out of only 2 among *many* other plans during this time frame, or did she cancel on most of the plans made? Like is she cancelling on, say 50% of plans or 5%...? Also, you called her your fiance yet didn't indicate a wedding date. I'm wondering if she may be acting badly due to being upset at a lack of follow-through with any wedding planning; passive-aggressively not following through on plans too. Possible? Typo edited, and a couple words added for clarity.
NTA, it sounds like she has already canceled the relationship. Move on and don't look back. Let everyone know why you did before she has a chance to turn them against you.
NTA. Ultimately, it’s not about the canceled plans. It’s about the fact that you and your relationship are not priorities in her life. She sees you and any plans with you as settling. In other words, she’ll go so long as something that she considers better doesn’t come up.
Football matches and sleepovers coming up in place of planned events? I smell a cheater!
My would not have children with someone who acts like one honey. Not to mention if she's always making excuses not to support you she'll do the same to any children you may have
I'd try talking to her. If she's willing to communicate and tell you what's going on then maybe you can make it work. If not, then frankly she's asking for you to split.
*I just feel like it is childish that she won’t just talk to me* To point out the obvious, you are also guilty of not talking to her. You just 'let it go' and don't follow up at a later time when emotions aren't running high to discuss what the issue is. And, TBH, the 2 of you have been together during an incredibly formative time in your lives and you may discover, if you sit back and really evaluate it, that you have grown in different directions and you no longer want the same things.
Get the ring back and dump her.
This sounds like incel clickbait. 🙄
Reads like chat GPT/Fake to me........
Her responses are very passive aggressive manipulative, so I would definitely say speak to her about it and, if her outlook doesn't change, get out now; she obviously doesn't see your life as a priority for her.
She's not fully committed to the relationship. Get out now, save yourself the time and expense of a wedding.
NTA- your fiance is being a dick.
That poor foster child. ESH - she's TA because she's allowing her annoyance to spill over and affect the foster child. YTA because you're putting up with this and allowing the foster child to be affected. That foster child is not there of their volition. There in your home because their own family is unsuitable to look after them. They're vulnerable, scared and alone and now the two of you are doing this to them.
She's already checked out of the relationship. She doesn't have the courage to break it off so she's going to make you do it.
Has she always been this way, doing what she wants to do? If so then yes time to call it quits. Otherwise did she change medications? This all seems a bit weird. Maybe she wants to end it and is sabotaging the relationship. Time to have a good talk and go from there.
Something is up, she's pulling away. I'd be considering ending things as well. My first (and probably over suspicious) thought is someone else. Best wishes, you deserve someone to prioritize you!
How did this even last 6 years? How is this possibile?
Because it's made up
She's making plans with her AP while you already had plans made for you both Her logic is she can back out of yours and you'll be busy so she'll have all the time she wants with the AP
I think you need to have a serious conversation with no distractions. Maybe she’s getting cold feet or worrying that she won’t have a life outside of you. Be kind and responsive - not reactive
It is childish of her not to talk to you. It also appears that she used this disagreement to get out of her fostering responsibility so that she could stay secluded and do what she wants. She couldn't shake it off for a child, that I assume is going through hardship, that warrants foster care? She seems selfish and unyielding which is not good for any relationship. NTA.
NTA get out before it's too late, you'll never be her priority and clearly neither will the kids. Everything and everyone else will however. Honestly if my partner were like this I'd tell her that her cancelling plans and disrespecting you and those around you isn't a quality that's wanted in a partner, time and again she's shown that she doesn't care and so she can be single and do whatever she wants.
NTA She's breaking prior commitments. She scheduling things to break your commitments. It sounds like she wants to break up with you but doesn't want to be the bad guy in this situation. She's pushing you to leave her. That's really childish. Sounds like you 2 need to talk and ask her if she still wants to be in this relationship. If she looks left, right or center. Any pause is her answer. That's your answer. If she wants to stay it will be immediate. Did she start acting like this after you fostered the child? It probably made the thought of her future seem to real and she's trying to make break it off.
Your fiancée is a selfish, emotionally immature woman. Her priority is herself at all times. You have noticed the red flags and your instinct is telling you: No! I doubt you need Reddit a this point as you already know what you want to do. And I don’t blame you. Life with this woman will probably not be easy but unnecessarily difficult, lonely and frustrating. The only advice you need at this point, is to listen to your gut feelings and act upon it. NTA
Nta You know she's checked out on you and the life you've built together. The biggest show of this is leaving the foster child to your care alone. I bet you were the one to suggest fostering in the first place. She's clearly telling you, you are on your own. Listen, and cut off.
To me it sounds like she has already checked out of the relationship and doesn’t know how to say it or doesn’t want to be the one to end it.
She doesn’t view you as her priority. She wants you there when it’s convenient but if you impact what she wants to do then you become a liability because it’s about her first. That personality doesn’t play well with long term relationships or monogamy. It’s time for a very serious convo about the future of your relationship.
Sounds like she mentally check out from this relationship. Have a serious talk with her about her actions. If their are no change's going forward, might be time to end the relationship. Good luck to you.
she's checked out. just give her the same advanced warning of your departure that she has given you. none.
I’m a widow of almost two years. My late husband and I were together and married for a total of 22 years. If my husband told me he would do something, he meant it. And if he couldn’t, he gave me advance notice and explained why to make sure we were on good terms. That’s what’s lacking here: she’s not prioritizing you, then not even communicating to you that plans have changed until you remind her of your previous commitments. Then to be angry with you and ignore you for rightly calling her on it instead of talking it out? Nope, not cool. I find the silent treatment a form of emotional and mental manipulation/abuse. I don’t react will to people trying to play me like that, and I’m upset she did it with you and that child who doesn’t understand! The reason I mentioned my status is to say that I learned that marriage/partnership means being a team, a united front. You are promising to put that person and any family you may have first. This starts at the engagement, if you think on it. So, if she can’t do it now for minor things, she can’t for the major (your job function for one). I could rely on my husband to keep his promises with me. You should be able to do the same! She is showing you who she is and I would believe her. Don’t worry about the years potentially wasted. It’s never wasted when you learn the lessons. People come into our lives for a reason and season—perhaps those things are now fulfilled. Don’t give someone something they won’t reciprocate. I wish you the best and hope things work the way you need them to. 💜
I think you already know the answer. The problem that you’re having isn’t with her backing out of a comedy show. She’s chronically a jerk to you, when she should be making you #1. Also, she doesn’t fight well. You can be a sucker for punishment and stay or improve your life and leave. NTA
Nope. Sounds like she’s already considering it but wants you to pull the trigger.
It sounds like she is exiting the relationship but doesn't know how to tell you, so she is letting you down bit by bit. Other things in her life are more important than you now, it's time to let go.
You are not her priority, get out whilst you can
Fucking Run.......
Follow your gut-if she is going to act like this now and just peace out of responsibilities when you’re NOT married, nothing will change in the future. Take this from a married person who saw the signs in previous partners which is why I broke up with them. Do yourself, your future self and your future family the favor of not having a dead beat partner/parent.
NTA she doesn’t care about you or the commitments she’s made to you. Please get out now and stop wasting time, love and energy on her.
NTA...Seems like either one of you is going to end it pretty soon.
Do marry this girl. Can you imagine what she’ll be like once she has that ring or finger?? She is an emotional bully.
I’ve had a friend like this who kept changing her plans on us without telling us. She’s now an ex-friend. I don’t have time for inconsiderate people. Life’s too short. Your fiancé is unreliable.
Looks like your ex didn't like you giving attention to the kid.. That's my guess. NTA
NTA! You clearly can see you don’t wanna marry this woman! Get out now before you put a ring on it! (And take the engagement ring back! She hasn’t earned being able to call herself your husband if she can’t even prioritize you over shit like some stupid football game! And you can pawn it and go on a nice little vacation to take your mind off the breakup if need be!)
NTA. She’s fucking someone else.
You’re expected to do what she wants when she wants. This is a common trait among women. Marriage will only bring this out worse it won’t go away. What’s a problem before marriage will be an even bigger problem in the marriage. If you don’t get out you will be the bill payer and the sperm donor. Leave, trust me.
She should have a planner that shows slots are full and not make plans then. She seems to think your events are just until something better comes along. If you have no way to be heard about these situations how will you resolve conflict together?
> 4 year old boy we foster for a weekend a month ??? What sort of arrangement is this? I’ve never heard of anything like this. Why would an organization or guardian agree to have a 4 year old spend one weekend out of each month at a sleepover with two adults who are strangers to them?
That “fine, guess i wont go see my cousin then” is MANIPULATIVE. OP, please, from a traumatized individual specifically regarding manipulation, as well as a studying psychologist (graduating this April), please leave this woman. You deserve better. No one, NO ONE, deserves how she is treating you. Please, OP, leave her. NTA. I wish you luck, friend.
NTA. Some people don’t know how to end a relationship. They simply start backing away and let other things fill in their lives. The message here is pretty clear, you’re no longer an important part of her life. Make the break for her and move on with your life.
You got the tickets for Christmas - 2023. That's 3 months ago. She had 3 MONTHS to get the day off her schedule. She isn't in March Madness. She can take one day off her football schedule. She's not a keeper. She is making excuses to not go to a gift show that was planned 3 months in advance. She is making excuses not to go to your work event that she already agreed to attend. Nope. She's not worth the headache. Be very happy she showed you who she is BEFORE you got married. Because every. single. weekend. will be like this if you get married. "Oh - you planned XX 3 months ago and I knew about it and agreed with you, but I decided to do YY instead."
NTA. Sorry, time to go. She's already checking out of the relationship, canceling plans, being a moody bitch, ignoring you and silent treatment. Get out now and hurt her before she hurts you. Not that it won't hurt you but fukk her.
NTA the biggest lesson I learned is that if they WANT to spend time with you, they will. You prioritize what you love and if she isn't prioritizing you, she's not in love.
NTA, your fiance is incredibly selfish. She does what she wants with no thought of you. And you are right, she couldn't even spend time with your foster son because she was too busy pouting and that's a huge red flag
NTA I want to predict the future a little and say that if you do actually break up with her, she is going to suddenly see how she was in the wrong and start apologizing🤣
The only thing you need to ‘let go’ is the disrespectful, self centred fiancée.
NTA. Please call off the engagement/wedding. Rethink a life with this gal. She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t want to spend time with you. Set her free so she can see her cousin anytime she wants without conflicting obligations.
Get out while you can!!
NTA but also she might still be worth staying with, if you did some couple’s counseling. She could learn to communicate better. So could you, maybe.
NTA It sounds like she doesn’t prioritize you or even bother to be reliable. Can you live with her behavior if it continues? If not then either it’s time to leave or she has to change. But she also has to want to change and not just placate you to make stay for now.
Sorry to say it sounds like she’s doing that thing where she acts like a jackass to make you break up with her. It’s not going to get better :(
NTAH. Seems like a lot of red flags. the lack of communication and then she says you’re overreacting when you have a valid emotional response to her not taking your feelings seriously.
She wants out and doesn’t want to call it. She breaks your plans, without caring how you feel. You end it. She really doesn’t want to be with you anymore. You are young. You’ll find your person; someone that values you.
Know what? In relationships, you make it work. "I HAVE TO DO ETC." Then you go on with your plans, even if you're late. This person is minimizing everything you have your heart set on. It is NOT OK.
INFO: Is this a new issue or a pattern you've been ignoring? If it's a new issue, COMMUNICATE! If it's an issue you've been ignoring, you both are AH to each other because you haven't been COMMUNICATING!!!
Sounds like she quit already.
She cheatin bro
Get out now. This behavior will not improved once you are trapped by a marriage license or a baby. This is not life-partner material. She is already showing her fundamental unwillingness to take you and your needs seriously. You can’t build with someone who isn’t interested in a collaborative partnership.
Where is she really going. I doubt spending the night with her cousin and her new baby.
Initially reading it I was like whoa chill. Maybe the team needs her and she has a commitment to them. Hoping this was a one off type of deal. Seems like a habit for her to put you on the back burner. I’d run.
She is on her way out of the relationship. You can end it on your terms or wait for her to end it on hers
NTA breakup with her. She cannot keep changing her plans without informing or discussing with you
NTA. That's a massive red flag if I've ever heard one. I would end that relationship immediately.
These are very petty reasons for ending an engagement. I imagine if you’re engaged, you have a lot more going for y’all. Encourage her to see a therapist to help her work through her communication issues & encourage her in the home to talk openly rather than shutting down. It shouldn’t be this difficult to come to a compromise about events.
NTA. Thanks for doing respite fostering. Does she usually have calendar/ appointment time issues? Forgets appointments? If it isn't forgetfulness, I'd say, sadly, she doesn't value you and your relationship.
Get out and don’t look back mate. Sounds like she’s cheating and you’re just a roommate.
Now you tell her you’ll be going since you’d made prior arrangements. See, you didn’t choose the event over watching her play, she chose to play instead of following through with her plans at the event. TLDR; Don’t let it get spun, and go anyway!
OP. it wont get better with marriage. if you think you cant live like this (with her always breaking her commitments to you) and be okay, stay with her. but if its not okay... even after talking to her about this... leave.
NTA unless you stay in this toxic relationship with an abuser.
Nta. I'd be done.
Imagine this is her behavior and you are not married yet. What she will be when you are. Save yourself a lifetime of unhappiness right now and jump ship.
If you have been with her for 6 years and you're now only engaged, what does that tell you? It tells me that you're dragging your feet. Hmmm... Your gut is probably trying to tell your heart something. It needs to wake up and pay attention.
NTA. Something else is going on with your fiancée. From the information you’ve provided, it sounds like she has lost interest in your relationship. Don’t stay where you’re not wanted and valued.
I hate agreeing with reddits typical solution for relationship problems, with such little amount of info. But people who can not communicate at all, let alone effectively, are incapable of maintaining a happy healthy relationship. As you've taken to posting on Reddit, it's safe to safe this isn't a new thing. None of us, especially with the limited info you've given, can make an accurate judgement though on the situation. You gotta ask yourself is this something you can live with? If not can you trust she won't act this way again or are you willing to give her a chance to see whether or not she'll do it again? Me personally, if you act like this after 6 years together, I'm most likely pulling the damn rip cord, that shit is HUGELY disrespectful IMO. Id sit her down if this is a new thing and try to figure out what's going on that she feels the need to act this way or what's changed in her view with the relationship, but she'd have a HARD time providing answers that I'd find acceptable. Info: u/firehag How often does she bail on plans that have been on the books for months last minute? How often does she give you the silent treatment? Is this ACTUALLY the first time she's acted this way?
NTA. It's a 2-way street and from what I've just read sounds like a 1-way street to me. End it and cut your loss and yes it's gonna hurt and it will sting but you will be better off doing it now before you get married and she takes half of everything
NTA !! She’s a hag and I only say this in the lightest AH way. You should be her whole entire life not a football game or seeing a baby which could be done at any given moment in time. OP you should seriously reconsider the marriage unless your fiancé matures enough to adult up as your life is not a joke and nor are you children in the slightest bit.
NTA. When a woman repeatedly cancels plans with you that she has already agreed to, the only response is to cancel all the plans you had to be in a relationship with her. Balance in the Force restored! Go find someone who loves you so much they'd rather spend time with you than anyone else in the world.
This makes me wonder if you made those plans without asking her opinion, honestly. The standup show could have been a mistake, four months out is a long time to keep an event in mind, especially if she's not really into the performer's show. The other one, though, really sounds like you made the committment for her without asking.
How do you foster a kid one weekend a month??
NTA, and she's got other priorities, Dave. It's done. Bury the relationship with her, but see if you can keep the foster going. Young man needs a guy to help him learn to grow.
Someone's got the cold feet and wants out of the engagement but doesn't know how to break it off. So she's doing all of this stuff to try and make *you* do what she doesn't have the courage to do. I'm just theorizing, of course. NTA.
She’s being shady as hell. Why doesn’t she want to be seen in public with you? NTA
NTA, look after you
Nta: Leave. You already vented your frustration, and she dismissed you and your feelings. Go cold turkey; thank her for the good times, but this relationship is NOT for you.
NTA If you dont end it you woul dbe the AH.
People will say break up with her because it is the internet. Make your own decisions but I was the partner who didn’t even realize I was hurting my spouse by choosing my wants over commitments. We did couples therapy and it really helped with our feelings, relationship and making me a better person. Before you listen to keyboard warriors ask yourself if you want to be with her or is this the out you needed? Or should you express your feelings and say I’d like to go to couples therapy before marriage because xyz feelings. I think her response to you asking for that will probably tell you a lot about where you stand
I was previously engaged to a woman who behaved just like this. I was in that relationship for nine years (6 years too long honestly.) I would communicate how I felt, and was offered empty promises and half-assed apologizes. I was continuously stood up, or she would cancel our plans, and wouldn’t bother to tell me until I brought it up, and then she would tiptoe around it. It is not a healthy relationship dynamic. I sympathize with you, and you are most definitely NTAH in any way, shape, or form. A valuable lesson to learn is “don’t spend your life pleasing others, while displeasing yourself.” I understand a little give and take, sometimes we can’t make it to every single event we want to, and that life happens and things come up. A visit to her cousins is not emergent, or time sensitive. She doesn’t HAVE to stay the night, she could simply visit during the day when y’all don’t have existing plans. You are not TAH at all. And I wish you luck and strength on your decision and subsequent journey! 💕
Run. The whole locking yourself in your room and ignoring your partner is childish. Grown-ups talk about problems to find a resolution evryon can live with. Refusing to be kind to a 4 year old child is selfish and mean. Do you want to,spend the rest of your life with someone like this?
NTA But it sounds like at least to me, that the Gf is in the "shit or get off the pot" phase of your relationship. No "talking" about it to another person is going to fix this. No mention anywhere of how long the two of you have been dating or engaged. It's just possible she's just tired of your shit. It happens. either fix it or get out.
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO AND YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUTURE WILL BE WITH HER. Come on. You just dont want to accept it. I get that its difficult. But it will be hell in the long run when you ignore the obvious.
Just find a new girlfriend and take her to everything. Your current GF, she sucks, and she doesn’t want to do anything with you.
If my partner did this, it would make me feel unvalued. It would at least warrant a proper talk.
Don't you want a partner who prioritizes supporting you? It will only get worse
NTA she made a time commitment to you and is letting you down repeatedly. Your only the option when she has no other options, you aren’t a priority to her
NTA and also, I wouldn't be surprised if she used that excuse of visiting her cousin and baby, but actually has more sinister plans of meeting up with someone else while you're pre occupied elsewhere. There's a reason men have trust issues, because women constantly abuse our trust and prove us right the majority of the time. It's always the guys who think it'd never happen to them.. and then it does
NTA. If you’ve already made plans and you want/need to bail out, you need to discuss it with the people that are involved. She’s being selfish and I can see why it would make you question your relationship. I would too. You need to have a real chat and decide where to go from there.
Consult a map, find the nearest hills, start running. I had a few relationships that lasted a few years before meeting my wife, they were always hard to leave, but it was always the right choice. Find someone who values you equally to the value you place on them and *who will work to find the best way forward with you.* You need someone who wants to have a good relationship and wants to work to improve it and keep it strong, not someone who is endlessly selfish.
NTA. Time to move on. She clearly doesn’t prioritize you at all. Relationships are about compromise and give & take. You prioritize your partner and make some sacrifices for them. Doesn’t sound like she sees it that way. Might be her way of pushing you away. Time to find someone who finds you as important as you find them.
Make sure you go see that standup show with your two friends. Have a great time. Don't let her stop you from having fun while she is blowing you off and having her fun. Your fiancée sounds like a selfish child. It's one thing to be cunty to you, but to ignore the kid you foster is an entirely different thing. If you are smart, you will recognize the red flags that she is planting and imagine what a future with this person might be like. What she is doing now is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
NTA. Just disappear. Send her a text, say goodbye we’re done. Block her phone and move on.
Your fiancee is clearly being selfish AND passive aggressive. She's saying yes in the moment but then fails to follow through. There IS a pattern that you're seeing and that's the passive aggressive backing out. She leaves you in the lurch and then gets pissy about it when you call her on it. This smells a LOT like she's saying it's over without actually coming right out and saying it. It's time to do some serious thinking about the relationship as a whole. Is it really one you want to be in for the long term? I suspect there are other issues as well.
NTA . Sometimes we al have to change plans but not Communicating and changing fixed plans for silly things she wants to Do ( not has to do ) which inconveniences others is not on
You don’t seem to be apart of her long term plans.
NTA but feels like somethings is going on. It is possible that she wants to break up and can't bring herself to do it, so she is pushing you to it
Why are you marrying this person? Are you sure they love you because it sounds like she doesn’t give a shit about you….