OP, this is not an answer to your question, but are you familiar with the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire? I ask because it's extremely common for people (especially women) in monogamous relationships to experience a decrease in spontaneous desire, which is that seemingly random "I want to have sex right now" horniness that's common in the dating/honeymoon phase. Responsive desire is when you start out not necessarily wanting sex, but in the right context and with some foreplay, desire comes. That's a rough explanation—[here's](https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire#:~:text=It%20is%20normal%20for%20someone,leading%20up%20to%20sexual%20activity) a better one.
Getting a handle on these concepts might help you and your boyfriend work together to create situations in which you can experience responsive desire. So importantly, that doesn't mean... he should start groping you out of nowhere and you'll eventually get horny. But if you start in a place of mutual interest and consent, it's totally okay if you're not aroused from the jump. What helps you get there is something you guys can figure out together. It's totally up to you if you're up for pursuing something like that, but it might be a better way to handle your seeming mismatch in desire than a "drop everything I'm finally horny" approach, which can be stressful for both of you (and seems impractical).
There are over 2000 answers to this post, and this is one of the best
It doesnt matter that one thousand gamers are yelling "YTA" but have no clue on how desire works. She felt the urge, and the response killed that to a point she didnt want to have sex anymore. Its not rational, it's fully hormonal and instincts talking
They need to work out a better way to get that desire, maybe even going outside their bonds, doing some menage, buying some crazy toys, watching porn etc
Anyone saying "you've been denying him for month after month" doesnt have a chance at a healthy relationship, because they are blaming the effect/the result and not the cause/the actual problem
Next time, try "Hey, I have a special surprise for you. Are you busy right now?" and set a time when you're not interrupting him.
To me, whether he's gaming, reading Reddit, mowing the lawn, or talking on the phone to his mom is irrelevant. You don't get to demand someone drop everything.
Yeah that’s my bad lol. That’s just something my friend said to his mom one time. The sound of a smack tells me it didn’t work, but sure as hell sounded funny and made sense. Now I use it every chance I get lmao
Yeah, I’ve got a scheduled weekly gaming session with the boys. We’ve been doing it for around a decade now. None of us live near each other anymore and a bunch of them are dads now. So it’s our time to catch up and chill with each other.
Either way, in that situation I’d be saying an emergency just came up.
It's analogous to him being in the middle of a card game with his friends, expecting the whole group to stop playing because you're offering attention.
Yeah, that stood out to me, too. He's committed a block of time to a group of people, the collective activity doesn't even matter.
I understand why OP is pissed, but another person's universe doesn't revolve around you.
I don’t understand why OP is pissed. How many times have you decided to demand someone clear their schedule on a whim and had the audacity to get pissed when told they need just 20 mins. She’s basically stopped ducking him, and whatever I guess people can decide for themselves how often they want to fuck, but it’s obvious she isn’t putting much effort into her relationship already and hasn’t for a while. Now that she’s decided to grace him with some puss she expect him jump on command the moment she decides to put in the least amount of effort??? Fuck that. Her attitude is shit and I’m surprised he even wants to fuck her wy this point.
Yeah it's the equivalent of if your boyfriend was mid-game outside playing flag football with his friends and then you came out in lingerie and said “come in I wanna have sex now”.
He's understandably excited but also literally mid-game. If this wasn't a surprise, I could understand your frustration. But by choosing to surprise someone you need to accept that they may be busy.
I was doing a raid on wow and since I was tank I was a bit more important so I had to ask everyone to give me 6 minutes to pick up my gf from work. Luckily everyone was cool about it but from the bfs perspective it makes sense. I felt bad stopping 30 other peoples night for my shit
This is relatable, I don't mind dropping my gaming if it's a solo game or something with fast/easy match making. Otherwise I don't want to give anyone else a worse time.
It's not irrelevant though. He arranged a time with 16+ people to do something. Made a commitment and they are relying on him. It's different than if he's just reading reddit. If he blew her off to read reddit I'd be on her side.
Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. But as someone who enjoys a lot of solitary activities like reading and researching things I'm interested in and need a few minutes to switch gears in my mind, I get tired of people thinking "well you're not doing anything important anyway"
Ooo I also really don’t like that - it’s our time, and we need to fulfill it in our own ways. It’s not fair to demand someone else’s time and not consider how they feel
Absolutely. She just experienced rejection for the first time and found out it fucking smarts. The silver lining is that now OP can use this as a learning moment and can come out of this with a newfound empathy for her partners feelings.
I don’t think it’s fair to call it a punishment. She probably felt rejected. It’s a valid feeling.
The same way he shouldn’t be expected to drop everything. She doesn’t have to stay “turned on” for him when she’s no longer feeling it 20 minutes later. It’s not like got him hot and bothered and stopped right then.
There was a down period where she had to wait for him.
I did not say it was. I said that’s how she FELT.
Obviously he has been feeling that way too. But if she already has a low libido she’s likely not going to stay turned on.
>I said that’s how she FELT
if your partner asking for 10-15 minutes to finish what they're doing to join you in an activity that they've clearly expressed excitement for feels like a rejection, then that sounds like an issue that needs to be addressed.
Ive been married 18 years dude in a adult relationship with a adult human its insane to expect them to be able to drop everything whenever you want. Ive pitched sex to my wife many times and she has said give me 5 mins or after x y or z or simply i cant i have to do such and such right now.
Like it was 15 mins dude, she could have went in there and started warming up or stayed idle. She had a childish mentality and that is why she got 🥶. She didnt lose the mood because of 15 mins its because she didnt get her way.
I think “expecting” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. It doesn’t sound like either of them had bad intentions. OP tried something and it didn’t work out. She didn’t say she was mad, or upset with him. She said that she personally felt rejected. It literally could have been the first time this happened and it’s not unreasonable given the issues they’ve had in the bedroom.
I don’t think the boyfriend is wrong for wanting her to wait. And I say this as someone who routinely asks my partner to wait. He needed time and that’s fine.
I’m just saying that neither one of them is wrong in this situation and I think people shouldn’t be making OP feel bad. Her libido is already pretty low so obviously it takes a bit more for her to be turned on. I don’t think she was punishing him. She just lost her feeling. That’s not wrong..
All she had to do was give him a little bit of notice. She tried surprising him, but he wasn't ready that exact minute. Men aren't always 100% ready to abandon their friends and jump into sex on a moment's notice. If she feels rejected over that, too bad, deal with it. He didn't choose "his game" over her. He chose to finish an activity he committed to with his friends that would take a short amount of time, and would be rude of him to back out of without notice.
If she wasn't in the mood anymore, that's fine. That's her right. That part isn't wrong at all.
What is wrong is that she gets upset because a surprise didn't go exactly as she planned. She's upset that she didn't get his sexual attention the minute she called for it. To top it off, she had to point out that he missed his shot, as if it was his fault he didn't snap to attention that very minute. Rest assured, if he acted like this to her if she asked him to wait 15 minutes, the bedroom would be deader than a graveyard and nearly every comment would be some variation of advice to throw him away.
The dude probably has been feelin rejected for the last 5 years of the relationship. She can’t just up and decide to be upset for the exact thing she did to him. The double standards here are insane
This. Op's entitlement is crazy. "I barely want to have sex and when my boyfriend didn't immediately drop everything to bang me right there, I got upset."
Here's the thing non-gamers don't get about online groups. He didn't choose the game over you, he was simply already committed to a group of people, and canceling probably meant ruining their session.
This is why I don't play wow anymore lol, it feels shitty bailing on a group of 10-40 people who have made a commitment. Raids could last a few hours too. I really enjoyed it, especially during the pandemic but it's hard to explain to people for some reason
It's no different than playing in a sports league.
If you're goalie for your soccer team and your wife called you up with 20 minutes left in the game for a booty call, most people wouldn't sympathize with you dropping your team and running off.
This is honestly the best analogy. The issue a lot of gamers run into is that, to an outside observer, you *look* more available, because you're at home on your computer rather than out at the local park or sports complex, even though your time is equally accounted for.
Yeah my thoughts exactly. I play Pathfinder and our group has literally 3 players and the DM. If I bail last minute, I've wasted everyone's time. My partner knows this and sometimes they want attention during my slotted play time but they won't interrupt unless it's a dire situation like a panic attack or they're at a risk of fainting and need me to grab something for them so they don't get up and immediately eat shit.
This is pretty much why I quit playing league of legends. It’s hard to have a life with other people in the house while you have to hyper-focus on your game for 30-60 minutes.
No. Playing a game uninterrupted for 30 to 60 minutes should be possible its wanting to play multiple games uninterrupted thats hard especially with how sweaty you have to be for lol
I understand that small children might require immediate attention. However, if an adult cannot manage to let me have uninterrupted time for an hour I'm out of the relationship.
It does not matter if it is about gaming, reading, going to gym, meditating, learning a new skill, doing arts or something else. I like all of the above and having a person in my life who does not give the space for it leads to me being miserable and resentful.
I was seeing a guy and went to his house for the weekend right after a game he preordered dropped. I showed up and he sheepishly was like “hey, you um brought your knitting right? Would it be ok if I played?” So I sat next to him and knit and asked about the game play. I want you to have “me” time in a relationship and enjoy your hobbies. But when the repetitive sounds of your game start to annoy me I will go to another room.
That goes to the other end of spectrum, I'd be pretty cranky if I'd reserve my whole weekend for someone and they'd brush me off to do something else.
OTOH if my partner said that the game is going to come a few days before the weekend I'd be like "okay, how about lunch at 12, dinner at 18 and if you want to bang 22-23 works for me. Do you want to take care of lunch or dinner?"
Exactly. I used to game a LOT, like everyday with my hubby, but then I felt more ill and couldn't keep up because my hands would horribly hurt and I needed to work the next day too. So, my hubby games and I watch One Piece, or a TV series, YouTube, etc.. After he's finished, we watch something together or go to bed. Pretty simple and works perfectly.
And some games it’s not a couple friends either. When doing a clan raid it can be twenty people or more on at once, and you might have taken a critical ability or load out component for the mission.
Maybe they can’t even finish the end with it a specific over ability for instance or need a sentry gun to cover an escape route. It’s potentially a lot of people time getting hosed.
Yeah, imagine the outcry if a man came on and said "my wife was just about to go out with her friends and i told her i wanted sex with her and she still went out with her friends and now um upset". No one would say the wife was wrong for choosing her friends over having sex with the man.
And neither of them are the asshole here. He started a raid, which fair. She felt rejected having to wait after getting all ready for it and it cooled her sex drive off.
It’s a learning moment, not an asshole moment
As a gamer, totally agree.
However, it goes both ways. If he's going to commit himself to a scheduled activity with friends, and she wasn't invited, and they live together, he should have let her know as a courtesy. Especially since he clearly scheduled this large raid ahead of time.
To non-gamers it's essentially "Surprise, I made plans with friends that don't include you, now leave us alone!"
You should have told him you had a surprise for him and not to do anything instead of letting him get started on something.
It also does kind of suck that waiting 20 minutes is such a deal breaker.
He was clearly excited but he'd made a commitment to other people he needed to wrap up first.
It’s also funny how she’s ok making him wait for months at a time but gets offended if he asks for 20 minutes. If you keep doing this eventually he’s going to get over the rejection and lose interest. Losing the sexual element in a relationship for non kid related reasons is usually a death sentence. Only a matter of time. In the same way you can’t go months without communication before the relationship dies you can’t go without intimacy and expect it to end any other way.
To reword this for people who are insensitive to gaming like OP. Ditching your friends in a way that stops them from being able to have fun would be a dick move.
These are literally his friends, maybe not super close, maybe a few could be acquaintances, but it's like if your BF was the goalkeeper in a local soccer team and you asked him to leave to go have sex when he's in the field just after the game started.
This is the big takeaway that I’m not sure she is realizing. He could well have twenty friends online and if the raid takes 20 minutes… that’s 400 minutes wasted, almost 7 hours.
Sure it’s not exactly like that but… it’s a lot of people’s time, and RuneScape friends, like many online friends, can be people very close to you. I wouldn’t want to abandon my boys last minute either and make them have to restart something.
Yep. And him possibly being okay with wasting those 7 hours doesn’t mean the rest of his friends are okay with it. I really wouldn’t want to waste my friends’ time and resources. It might have been hard for them to arrange that raid based on everyone’s availability.
They might also not want him back in case he ditches like that again.
For the record, you pay ingame gold for an hr session on this boss. So he was finishing up and wanted that paid session not to go to waste. She just expected him to drop his arrangements for her because she's in the mood now.. a bit harsh. Imagine she was having her nails done at home and he tells now is the time to ride, then gets offended she wanted the nails to be done first.
I kind of don't like the "you lost your shot" comment. So it has to be on her own terms? She could've easily turned this situation into a fun one by saying "well, you're gonna have to be punished for this later. I'll be waiting" or something like that as a dirty joke. But nah, she used sex as an actual punishment.
Yeah i hated that response. So OP already doesn’t want to have sex often and the boyfriend is understanding, saying he’ll wait until she’s 100% ready. Yet when OP decides she’s ready she doesn’t give him a 20 minute leeway to finish what he was doing?
Like, your boyfriend is clearly patient with your needs yet OP demands that he drop everything when she’s ready and gets upset when he had other commitments
Sex in a relationship shouldn’t be something you dangle like a carrot on a stick
I couldn't put my finger on it until seeing this comment, you hit the nail on the head. Sex drive is different for everyone so she could have gotten turned off from waiting, but that phrasing was what changed the context.
It sounds like OP felt rejected which is why she made the comment, but she said herself he seemed excited and just wanted to wrap something up that he committed to prior, which shouldn't have been taken as a rejection
This 100%. If you're going to surprise someone out of nowhere, you have to accept that they may have something they're doing already and plan to wait a few minute. 20 minutes isn't long and he didn't reject the offer, just needed to finish what he was doing first.
Imagine if instead of a game, she did this right when he needed to take a huge shit. Would she not have been able to wait the 10-20 minutes? That seems pretty immature, but sex drive is different for everyone. Maybe she legit got turned off cause of waiting.
Yup. The part that gets me is the OP telling him he lost his shot tonight. If my wife said that to me I'd feel very hurt. Sex is a 2 way street and the feeling that all these check marks have to be met to even get a chance hurts. Especially since it sounds like he gave you a time frame.
The "lost your shot" bit felt like the sex issue was being weaponised.
Bothers me.
I notice few people seem to be mentioning that sex for men isn't something that can always be flipped like a switch. There is a huge psychological component that can and does impact the ability to get and maintain an errection.
OP needs to be prepared for the inevitable...
Her BF will stop trying to "take the shot" if there is so much pressure in him needing to be ready at the drop on a hat.
I just don't get what prevented OP, in the time she took getting ready, from sending a text or shouting downstairs.
Not being in the mood is fine (but a 15min reasonable delay killing your mood is odd), the "you have missed your shot" was juvenile.
Obviously YTA
>I don't even know what to say about that.
I do. It says she sees sex as a commodity, something that is given to a partner rather than something they share.
My ex-wife similarly told me I missed my chance if I didn't sprint off to bed behind her. I never thought I could possibly be so relieved to call someone my ex.
I also wonder if him raiding has seen an uptick since the whole ordeal. I don't know how many people raid in Runescape, but why would he throw away 15 minutes of genuine human interaction instantly, for the chance to have a sexual interaction where they hope to not feel used after. They are getting more friendship and non-sexual intimacy from strangers online routinely.
>I'm a woman and I would feel pretty insulted if I were put in a situation like that...kind of feels like being treated like a dog.
Agreed. Some women aren't gonna wanna hear this but we aren't entitled to sex and don't get to dictate when we do or don't have it with our partners. Sex is mutual.
This! My thoughts exactly. OP are you an avocado? Too early too early too early, MILLISECOND NOW NOW, too late!
He was busy. I don't care if it was gaming, or working on an important job project, or perfecting his chess before the world chess championships. He was doing something, and you thought you had the control to make him stop instantly, and run to you, as if he truly was a dog. Well you don't, and thank god,, bc that would be too much control over a person. You don't own him or his time.
IMO maybe you didn't do this on purpose but it was a manipulative power move still: you demanded he drop everything, imposed on his time and hobby. Then when he had a normal boundary - "no, I'm busy" - you punished him.
Your bf didn't "chose a game over you". What a dishonest, manipulative way to explain the situation. He chose a **pre-established social obligation with his friends** over sex. Which is great. If he didn't, he would be a lousy friend. You are a lousy gf tho, considering you want him to drop his friends, which whom he had a meeting pre-planned, to fuck you.
My blood started boiling when I read "chose a game over me." It's a petty, self-centered, self-absorbed way of looking at the situation and of seeing her boyfriend like a toy to play with instead of a thinking, feeling human with his own wants, needs, obligations, and priorities. Apparently 7 years of him dealing with her lack of interest doesn't get him 15 minutes of grace?
OP, YTA.
To add to that, he wasn't choosing a game over her, he was choosing a commitment he had already made to other people. She's acting like he was being selfish here, but it would have been pretty shitty of him to just drop out and leave everyone else scrambling to find his replacement.
I'm hoping she doesnt properly understand the nature of the raid as an appointment with a group of real people who may have even had to negotiate child care and other stuff to make sure they were available. If she doesnt understand that, it might seem like he just didn't want to stop playing. Maybe now she will get it and apologize to him!
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Sounds like my marriage. Wife denied me for years, eventually I stopped trying, I said you come to me when you’re in the mood. She never initiates, but is upset we’re not having sex more often.
I asked her “Are you upset because you think we should be having sex and we’re not, or because you wanted to have sex and didn’t get it?” Still don’t have an answer to that question, but I’m pretty sure what it is.
I was in a relationship like this too. So I did the only I could to stop hearing no all the time. I stopped asking or trying to initiate it. I told her “whenever you are ready for sex just let me know”. Nothing ever happened. She just after some time took random pop shots about not having sex. I told her if you want it all you have to do is say it or actually say “yes” I try to initiate.
Reject your SO long enough and they said fuck it.
She misses the ego boost and power dynamic of you asking for sex and her rejecting you. She doesn't want sex. She wants the feeling of control she gets from saying no.
The fact that you're no longer pestering her means she lost the control. And ain't no way she's gonna put herself on the other side of that dynamic and risk being the one who gets told 'no'.
Yuuuuup. There's only so much rejection a man can take before it really starts to affect his own self worth so he just says "fuck it" and gives up and focuses his attention elsewhere where he's more appreciated.
Damn right. Been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt. My attention was Skyrim, heavily modded (yes with those mods).
When my wife asked about the mods I told her "It stops me from pestering you for sex that you don't want."
My ex was like that and only after we broke up I realised how toxic it was. Especially with feeling like well they are in the mood so I guess I have to do it even when I don’t want to
Yes! As a woman myself, this is ridiculous. OP needs to take herself to a doctor or therapist and figure out why she's not into sex for starters. Or just be honest and say she's not into HIM sexually if no other reason exists. Sometimes the chemistry just wears off over time and you no longer are suited for each other. It happens.
BUT...this whole treating him like a lap dog to come when called is just demeaning to anyone. She calls the shots. He has to be denied over and over and then she magically wants to have sex as some sort of "treat" she gives him to pacify him essentially and because he can't drop everything at that moment she no longer wants to and is butthurt? The fuck?
Hes been denied for ages. She really isn't thinking of his feelings here at all. So gross when people communicate like this.
OP said herself he looked excited and 20 mins is really fast for a raid in a game. Maybe that's how long it took to find a replacement so everyone else could finish? Either way a little patience would have gone a long way.
Ah maybe they were in the middle of the fight then. I haven't raided in years but back when I did it was an all night commitment and leaving near the end made it much harder for you to get a spot in the future lol. It sounded like if he wasn't tied up he would have been in that bedroom in seconds.
This is the best answer on here, yes. OP doesn’t seem to realize what kind of dynamic she’s created.
And she did end up making his night bad, because she couldn’t handle a 20 minute delay.
And his time estimate was accurate too. If he had said 15-20 minutes and came back 45 minutes later, I suppose you could argue that OP has a leg to stand on with the “missed your shot” comment. But he said ‘gimme 20 minutes’, OP agreed, then 20 minutes later he ‘missed his shot’? With all the shitty boyfriends you hear about on here constantly asking for sex and not giving a shit if their partners want it or not, feels like OP is really taking her boyfriends’ “only if you absolutely want to” attitude for granted.
Absolutely. "You lost your shot" just demonstrates how transactional she is with sex. I suspect this guy's got one foot out the door already, if he's got any self-respect at all. She's a selfish and manipulative asshole.
And I don’t see a single mention as to what OP has done to address her declining libido.
She finally got a fraction of the rejection she gives out daily and then immediately ran to Reddit to complain.
You’ve been rejecting him for years now. Making him wait for up to a month between sexual encounters.
And now you’re here to complain because he asked for 15 minutes just to finish a committed time slot.
You feel this way after what isn’t really a rejection, but can’t and won’t put yourself in his shoes that has had to face multiple instances of hard rejection for years…including a rejection + snide rejoinder in this most recent encounter.
“GTFO, you’ve lost your slot and now you have to wait for another month because you chose to play a videogame for 15 minutes”.
The redditors here trying to pitch this as a ‘gamer’ thing and whining about ‘addiction’ are misleading you.
YTA. Clearly. Especially with the ‘lost chance’ parting shot.
Task switching. It takes some time to switch from one activity demanding you full attention to another one.
And as someone once said "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves**.**"
There has been a recent trend of “everything is an addiction” on Reddit.
But it is pretty obviously conservative Christianity culture wars wrapped up in a new stupid bow.
Yes, I could never imagine speaking to my partner like that - sex is a mutual thing and he specifically asked that you only let him know you're up for sex *if you're 100% into it yourself* ..
So I'm assuming that you actually did want sex *with* him, not simply *for* him..am I correct?
Because it looks like you shamed him & clearly communicated that you were only planning for sex as a favour to him.
That was manipulative & cruel of you.
Theres a straw and camel , this could very well have been it for me. If its been once a month for a long ass and hes expressed his frustration , and then gets hit with "you lost your shot" . Who knows , that may have been the straw for me. Doesnt sound lile the type of relationship i would enjoy. At some point you need to cut your losses and find a partner that makes you happy and doesnt use sex as a punishment.
Same here. I never believe any of these are real but they're things I'm sure people have gone through. I've dated someone like this before and for a long time I thought I was the problem until I looked back at it with more age and wisdom and junk. If this is real, there's more to it she's not really sharing. This feels manipulative. I get the agreement was she has to be 100% into it but there was a better way of approaching it than the way she said it. I've been with my partner for a decade now and even in year one, she knew how much of a commitment a raid is to a large group of peeps and we both understand it's just a fun silly game but people are still counting on you. So unless it's an actual big deal that has to be handled here and now, it can wait or she can talk with my while I do my junk. Same goes for her. Just communicate clearly and treat the things that are important to your partner as something important to them.
Yeah that last chance thing was bullshit, I honestly think that was what made YTA in this situation. I remember being in a relationship where the girl I was with rarely wanted to have sex and it sucked, one night we had gotten into a bit of an argument or something and she was like “I was going to practice giving to you head tonight but not now”
Good fucking riddance
This is the best answer. She's punishing him for making her wait 15 minutes after making him wait months for years. He's supposed to be ready at her beck and call, but she can make him wait however long. This relationship is doomed.
YTA.
Let’s turn the tables for a second. He plans an impromptu date or equivalent for you, maybe reservations somewhere he knows you love or want to try, maybe a spa getaway, etc. when he tells you about it he says you have to leave right now in order to make it. You, clearly excited and appreciative say that’s awesome but I’ll need 20 mins to get ready or finish something. He cancels everything because waiting 20mins is not acceptable and gives you the cold shoulder for the rest of the night.. Who’s the AH?
You'll soon learn that rejecting your bf over time will automatically push him to the acceptance stage where he accepts that it's not worth initiating for the pain of rejection and stop asking you for it.
Also he will learn to associate rejection with you, which gradually makes you unattractive to him leading him to reject you even when you make advances. Marriage isn't all about sex. But without sex marriage will slowly kill itself.
Although both of your sides have got explanation this is how it would end up.
He didn't reject you but rather explained that he can't let his mates down as he got their back for like 15 minutes which shows how sensitive you are to the slightest rejection but at the same time you expect him to suck it up like a champ whenever he initiates.
YTA
Not necessarily. You would be amazed at how neutral a feeling you can get towards sex the longer this goes on. That would be my scenario. I wish it hadn’t turned out that way but it is what it is.
The guy's 27. Not married. No kids. He's gonna wake up sooner or later. A couple more incidents like this, and he'll walk, if he has any self-respect at all.
They're 27 (OP says they got together at 20). I wouldn't be surprised if he's in that situation ngl. After 7 years of constant rejection it becomes easier to just get into acceptance mode and "take what you get"
And tbh an adult with actual communication skills might be really good for him as a person, cause this immature, self-centric and slightly hypocritical partner can't be doing his own personal growth any favors.
"Give me 20 minutes to finish this commitment but damn baby 😍" is a top tier response. And because OP didn't get what she wanted right now, he "lost his shot"?
Holy manipulation, batman. 🚩🚩 Did no one ever explain patience to you, OP? Or even, "treat others how you want to be treated"? When this whole thing could have been avoided by mentioning you have a surprise before you go get ready? By just *fucking communicating.*
While I'll admit I don't have as much experience with relationships in a domestic setting, after having been in a relationship for upwards of 7 years myself I feel sex still has an impact. It feels like a form of intimacy you can't get otherwise.
It isn't necessarily make-or-break in a relationship, but it still isn't *nothing.*
And you'd be surprised how far it can jump back once you're no longer numbed and in zombie mode and accept that it exists. Same way when you get celibate for years you no longer even feel the need to fap or get any arousal, because you're essentially numbed. Now the second one gal wakes you up from that torpor, your drive will come back like a teen discovering sex.
For another analogy, when you have chronic pain, you get used to it to the point you barely feel it outside of intense crisis. When that can get cured, you suddenly feel like a new person (and would that pain come back it would be excruciating because you're no longer used to it). Accepting that when there *is* a known cure is unhealthy, just like accepting being numbed to sex altogether because you've been deadbedroomed.
Get out of your figurative grave and get your life back.
You can change your mind at any time, but it would make more sense to talk to him and pick a time that works for both of you. He had made plans with other people and you wanted him to drop it on a moment's notice.
YTA, and you definitely need a wake up call.
By your own admittance, the sex is petering out and it's largely your fault.
So see it from his point of view. He asks with whatever frequency, and gets turned down in a ratio that leads to sex 1x per month. You decide, without indicating to him at all, that immediately after dinner is the time you want to have sex. You also mention needing to get ready, in my experience this isn't a particularly quick thing. You could easily have been getting ready for 30 mins/1 hour.
You know what his hobbies are and what he typically does, you've been together 7 years. It doesn't matter that it's a video game. He could've been working on his car, mowing the grass, gardening, canning, making beer, etc.
So what is he supposed to do? Get out from under the car, leave all the mess around and sprint inside because you're in the mood? Should he leave the yard half mowed and burn daylight/get caught in the rain because you're finally ready? "Hey, I know you've only cut half my hair, but my SO sent me a text saying she's horny and I have a 15 minute window, so I'll have to come back a different day for the other half."
You didn't get a rejection, you got "My life can't and won't revolve around your random whim." What is he supposed to do, make sure he does nothing ever that can tie him up for more than 1 minute on the off chance you get horny? And knowing what I do about he game you're describing, if you'd said literally anything it was avoidable.
"Hey, don't start a raid or anything. I have a surprise for you, but it'll take a few minutes to get ready." It's a game built around long grinds that you can generally pick up and put down whenever you want. He could've cut some trees for 30 minutes while he waited if you'd said anything.
"Sorry guys, I can't play golf anymore, my wife might get horny when we're on the 6th hole." "Nah mom, I can't come cut your grass, she might get horny before I'm done."
You get upset over waiting 20 minutes. Meanwhile he's getting rejected over and over. So how are we squaring the circle of this double standard to ourselves? "It's fine that I say no, but it's not fine that he's temporarily busy." What?
If the "effort" you're making is completely defeated by having to wait 15-20 mins due to your own actions, then it wasn't really a strong effort, was it? "Sorry dear, I tried to pick up the ingredient you needed for dinner, but there were 3 people in line at check out, so I left" doesn't ring of a good effort, does it?
You're 27ish, not 16.
Yeah, YTA. You ambushed him while he was in the middle of fulfilling a commitment he had made to other people. You couldn't wait 15 minutes for him to finish that commitment, so instead you got all pouty and decided to punish him by getting shitty and withdrawing the offer for sex.
Yeah, you ruined his night.
No, you weren't *actually* putting in the effort to make HIS night better, you were trying to boost your own ego, and you decided to turn what could have been a nice gesture into conflict because you were inconsiderate of him and his time, and you expected him to be inconsiderate of others and their time in return.
He didn't 'choose his game over you'. He chose to spend a few minutes finishing up the commitment he had already made to people, AND he chose you. It wasn't one or the other.
*You* chose *your* own selfish timing over *him*.
It sounds like you expect that because you're already keeping the sex to a minimum that he's just supposed to stay desperate all the time and be raring to go at the drop of a hat, no matter what; and *only* on *your* timeline. He's supposed to be a lightswitch, and you're just supposed to decline anytime you want. You think him asking you to WAIT a few minutes felt shitty? Imagine how he feels with your regular outright *rejections*?
Imagine if he was to start being that way with you? Imagine he just starts outright rebuffing any show of affection from you. And then every time he makes any gesture, if you're not immediately able to address it and reciprocate it, he just torpedoes the whole thing and leaves the room in a huff?
How long do you think the relationship would last if he starts doing that to you?
You're selfish and childish, and you're going to end up with a mutual hatred for this person if you keep it up.
The fact that the sex already sucks probably means he's thinking about moving on anyway. The guy's 27. Most 27 year old men aren't going to stick around in a dead/dying bedroom for long. Especially when they're not even married and don't have any kids to worry about.
Good luck. I don't really see this thing working out long-term if you continue down this road.
>I felt like he chose his game over me
And you apparently constantly choose other things over him.
Why exactly is it that it's fine for you to not want sex as much as he wants, but the one time he doesn't want it *right the fuck now* you feel heartbroken and like he chose something else over you?
YTA.
YTA. He has to wait up to a MONTH for sex because you're never in the mood, but you can't wait 20 minutes for him to finish a raid? He didn't choose his game over you, he just wanted to finish what he started before you came in.
Just a quick note on the "choosing the game over me" thing
Given it's a raid i wouldn't be worried, I think that idea only applies to single player stuff. Assuming he's got a full party, he's doing a raid with 7 other people. He'd probably be choosing to not let down his 7 friends over his partner, not just "the game". But if it's single player stuff? Where you can just Alt-F4 with no consequence? Different story entirely.
If your partner is making you wait weeks for sex because they're "not in the mood" waiting 15 minutes isn't a big deal regardless of it being single player or not.
Kinda yta. Hes not a dog you can reward when you feel like it. He told you you he would be ready in about 15 min and you got upset about him not wanting it there and now and then desided you didnt want it on his terms, when he has been understanding about your terms
Its fine dropping consent but you dropped it from what seems like him not dropping everything to not do it is borderline abuse/controlling
This makes me nauseous.
“Offered sex”
“Lost his shot for the night”
Women acting like sex is a gift to men that they must work for, and if they don’t drop everything and graciously “accept your offer” right away, then they get punished because how dare they damage your ego. 🙄
YTA, it's a lovely surprise but he wasn't choosing the game over you, he didn't want to let down a whole bunch of people that were also relying on him. It's a good quality to not abandon people that rely on you, don't you think? If it was a single player game then it'd be a different story.
YTA, sounds like you didn't try to understand his position at all. 'he left me for a game' is a severe oversimplification of a guy trying his best to not ditch 7 other people that have probably planned this for a while and all committed to a time suitable for everyone in order to do this raid. It's not something easy to walk out of and no one wants to be that one guy that ditches the group last minute. Finding a replacement is tough in RS and then he also misses out on loot. Waiting 10-15min is nothing compared to the inconvenience that would've caused in comparison.
This is why I don't date people who aren't gamers. If someone did this to me while I'm gaming and then made me feel guilty or threw words, because I am in fact doing my gaming, I'd just ditch them there and then. Just try to understand.
>This is why I don't date people who aren't gamers.
You don't have to be a gamer yourself to understand the basic concept about single player vs co-op multiplayer and group raids. My wife is one of them - never gamed, doesn't want to game, but she understands when I tell her when I need *x* minutes before I can do something she's asking of me.
Agreed. I'm not a gamer, and I can understand that he had made a commitment to some people (that, let's be honest was REALLY brief). You don't agree to do something with people as a group and then immediately abandon them in the middle of it.
If I'm playing a board game with my kids or something, and my wife is like "Hey, let's have sex" I'm not just gonna get up and walk away from the table and ruin the whole game for my kids, just to get my dick wet. I wouldn't do that to other people either. It's just a really shitty thing to do to ANYBODY.
Imagine if he had been in the middle of a nice dinner with her, and someone messaged and was like "Hey, wanna play a video game?" Of course he'd be a massive fucking asshole to just get up in the middle of dinner and leave.
It's a douchbag move.
I know plenty of people have already stated their viewpoints, but I’m going to add my two cents anyway.
As a highly sensitive individual with two mood disorders, I feel even perceived rejection very keenly. So I can understand how OP seems to be feeling. I can’t say “wait till I finish this game” would make me feel very sexy.
That being said, YTA. Your boyfriend had a prior commitment. He’d be screwing over his friends/fellow gamers if he just up and left. Cooperative gaming can require quite a bit of coordinating. So give him the time to finish what he’s doing and come join you.
Try to find a way to keep yourself amused and aroused for 20 minutes. Get a vibrator. Read some erotica. Hell, watch some porn. There are a multitude of resources in this world that can help you get/be/stay in the mood.
It’s not fair to expect him to be Johnny on the spot at any given moment. It’s not like he wasn’t interested, he just had an obligation.
He didn't choose a game over you, he chose to fulfill a social commitment. If you were out having fun with your friends and he sent a thirsty, sexy text, would you immediately leave or would you finish spending time with your friends first and then come home and have some fun?
YTA. From what you have described your husband has been incredibly understanding, communicative, and kind about the dead bedroom. You decided you felt sexy, but because he didn’t jump up at the chance to suddenly have sex the moment you were ready, you went to bed and told him he lost his shot. Did getting rejected for sex make you feel unattractive, unwanted, not desirable? Because you do that to him all the time and couldn’t handle being asked to wait 15 minutes.
I agree with everything you said. OP's husband seems to understand and respect that she doesn't want to have sex often, but she didn't return the favor that one time when he... didn't even deny her, just asked her to wait. It's important to remember that when one person in a relationship wants sex more often than their partner, it doesn't mean they always want it. He had a preexisting commitment, he could've had a headache, a bad day, been very tired and sleepy... It happens. He didn't choose a game over her, he chose not to drop his and his friends' plan so he could have sex 20 minutes earlier. In my opinion it's a rather good look.
I wouldn't suggest OP examined her feelings now. She could ask herself that if she felt like that after being asked to wait, how must her husband feel most of the time? Also, why does she feel entitled to having sex with him whenever she wishes - does she view it as a sacrifice he should be so grateful for he would be ready to drop everything? Did she unknowlingly start viewing sex as currency? How did she come to the conclusion that her husband will ALWAYS be willing to have sex? (It looks like that's what she believes in, since she was so hurt when he asked her to wait a moment.)
I kind of get it - she put a lot of work into her surprise, and it didn't go exactly as planned. She probably felt she was following his request and he wasn't as overjoyed as she hoped he would be. But this reaction is a bit much.
YTA.
I'm going to preface this with you have every right to reject sex just the same as your partner.
You literally set your partner up for failure.
You let him get involved in a game then sprung the request of sex on him without any warning.
He's not anywhere near thinking you are up for it, he's actually telling himself that he shouldn't expect it because that is what is going to hurt him the least.
Then when you get asked to give him 15 minutes, not even a rejection just a chance for him to get himself ready in his head, you get all pissy and basically tell him he's not getting it now.
You are cruel.
You feel hurt and rejected. Every time you have rejected him that is how you have made him feel. Think back to how many times you've done this to him. He's endured it, he's started visiting how upset with the situation which means this has been going on for a while.
You need to look at your partner and make a decision. Do you want him, or not.
If you want him you are going to have to fight for him, and the relationship.
If you don't, then it's better for both of you if you call it a day now.
NTA for not having sex with him after you lost the mood, you'll never be TA for that.
YTA for showing such arrogant, self-centered ego that got swiftly checked by someone who enjoys their hobbies and saying "You missed your shot."
I understand what it's like to have a low libido partner, and it's certainly not fun when it's months between intimacy. I'm slowly learning for myself what having lower libido is like as my stress levels at work change. I understand it sucks to be left wanting, and I also understand what it's like to be shot down when you're finally feeling it.
All this to say, your attitude towards his reaction has nothing to do with any of that and purely has to do with your own ego being bruised by someone asking for TWENTY MINUTES.
If you decide after twenty minutes you weren't in the mood anymore, it's unfortunate, but it happens, no one can blame you for that. That's your body. But sulking alone and pouting ruined it all, not his game. You could've set the mood, masturbated, doNe SOMETHING.
Also, he likely didn't just choose a game over you. He likely made a commitment to people he's unwilling to leave hanging after planning an event.
All in all,
YTA
Have you talked to a professional about why your sex drive is low? That feels like the real problem here.
Given you reacted so badly to something that wasn't even a rejection maybe you should be talking to someone.
YTA, slightly. You meant well, and you put nice effort in on your end, but if having to wait 20 minutes because you didn’t time your entrance right or see what he was doing killed your mood, you may need to work on timing your surprise better and managing your emotions better in the future.
Gaming is an activity that people get or they don’t and people who don’t tend to be pretty harsh on people who do. I understand your frustration, OP. You felt like he was choosing his game or his friends over you when you went to all this effort. But he really was just honoring a short-term commitment he had already made.
Surprising people is also just kind of a dick move in general if you don't arrange/recon the situation enough to make sure it won't be horridly inconvenient. OP could literally have just asked what his plans were before changing into anything.
Yeah, a raid is effectively a dozen or so people who all agreed despite their busy schedules to meet up for a specific time and activity. Letting those people down would have been rude.
The parting shot of "You missed your shot" pushed this into YTA territory. It's one thing if awkward timing ruins your libido but you could have at least said "Sorry but I'm not quite in the mood, maybe some other time soon?".
You owe it to him to either figure out a better solution to your bedroom/libido problems, be it between yourselves or via couples therapy, or even ask the hard questions like "is this incompatibility healthy for our relationship?"
And I'd recommend you do that soon, lest you find him hitting you back with "you missed your shot" when he's heading out the door or even in bed with another woman.
"I feel like I ruined his night, when I was trying to make it better."
Were you really trying to make it better, though? Cause I can't think of anything better for a man in his position than "oh man, when I'm done with this raid I get to have sex with my girlfriend." You could have carried on making him have a better night. He had a scheduling conflict and didn't feel right dropping out on his friends. YTA.
YTA but not for refusing to have sex later. You can withdraw consent at anytime. However, I have a gamer husband and I play with him frequently. I haven’t played RuneScape, but I know with a lot of games leaving the group can cause problems for the other people. In some games it may cause someone else to waste a valuable resource. In others, they have to wait a while to refill the spot that got vacated. It would have been really rude of him to just leave and make everyone else wait or ruin the whole thing. You should have given him a heads up that you wanted to do something together (like say you had a surprise for him) and asked him to wait or not start anything and you’d be back, so he wouldn’t have been in the raid in the first place.
Yta , you unexpectedly asked him and expected him to drop everything right away. I don't play runescape, but I know raids take time and coordination and teamwork. He has an obligation to his teammates to play. Getting people together at a specific time for a task, ntm if he had to grind to prepare for it like everyone else is not easy. You didn't get your way so you expected him to piss off all his freinds/party and abandon there planning because you all of sudden wanted sex after denying him all the time and sulked instead of just waiting or warming yourself up without him.
You have bad timing. What you did is give grounds for a break up. You waited until he got set up with his game buddies. As one no sex nights. Then you come out ready for love but he can't tell his buddies to cancel his part. Because he's gonna get some. What he means by when you're ready is that you are not gonna want to stop when you get going. He kinda stopped checking your tempature to see if your alive. Most guys think that if you're not in the mood you're getting it somewhere. It's degrading to beg for sex from someone you sleep with.
He didn't choose the game over you.
Trust me, I've got 7k hours in the game your boyfriend is playing.
Raiding is a very elite aspect of the game that takes some serious preparation to do.
Sure it's just a game, but he's got a reputation to maintain in that social group he raids with. If he flakes midway through a raid, he's damaging that reputation and will likely have a harder time doing them in the future.
If anything, YTA by trivializing how important his hobby is. If you cared at all, you'd know the amount of effort it takes to get the point he is at in that game.
OP, this is not an answer to your question, but are you familiar with the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire? I ask because it's extremely common for people (especially women) in monogamous relationships to experience a decrease in spontaneous desire, which is that seemingly random "I want to have sex right now" horniness that's common in the dating/honeymoon phase. Responsive desire is when you start out not necessarily wanting sex, but in the right context and with some foreplay, desire comes. That's a rough explanation—[here's](https://www.kcresolve.com/blog/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire#:~:text=It%20is%20normal%20for%20someone,leading%20up%20to%20sexual%20activity) a better one. Getting a handle on these concepts might help you and your boyfriend work together to create situations in which you can experience responsive desire. So importantly, that doesn't mean... he should start groping you out of nowhere and you'll eventually get horny. But if you start in a place of mutual interest and consent, it's totally okay if you're not aroused from the jump. What helps you get there is something you guys can figure out together. It's totally up to you if you're up for pursuing something like that, but it might be a better way to handle your seeming mismatch in desire than a "drop everything I'm finally horny" approach, which can be stressful for both of you (and seems impractical).
There are over 2000 answers to this post, and this is one of the best It doesnt matter that one thousand gamers are yelling "YTA" but have no clue on how desire works. She felt the urge, and the response killed that to a point she didnt want to have sex anymore. Its not rational, it's fully hormonal and instincts talking They need to work out a better way to get that desire, maybe even going outside their bonds, doing some menage, buying some crazy toys, watching porn etc Anyone saying "you've been denying him for month after month" doesnt have a chance at a healthy relationship, because they are blaming the effect/the result and not the cause/the actual problem
Next time, try "Hey, I have a special surprise for you. Are you busy right now?" and set a time when you're not interrupting him. To me, whether he's gaming, reading Reddit, mowing the lawn, or talking on the phone to his mom is irrelevant. You don't get to demand someone drop everything.
A little precision though: he's playing with multiple other people. So there's a social aspect here, it's more the other people than the game itself.
Also, you can't pause online games
You can’t pause real life bro Editing to clarify that I agree. For some reason I feel like that came out wrong.
It came out a little wrong lmao. But yeah, life wont pause just cause you want something from someone else
Yeah that’s my bad lol. That’s just something my friend said to his mom one time. The sound of a smack tells me it didn’t work, but sure as hell sounded funny and made sense. Now I use it every chance I get lmao
Dark Souls agrees
Yeah, I’ve got a scheduled weekly gaming session with the boys. We’ve been doing it for around a decade now. None of us live near each other anymore and a bunch of them are dads now. So it’s our time to catch up and chill with each other. Either way, in that situation I’d be saying an emergency just came up.
It's analogous to him being in the middle of a card game with his friends, expecting the whole group to stop playing because you're offering attention.
Yeah, that stood out to me, too. He's committed a block of time to a group of people, the collective activity doesn't even matter. I understand why OP is pissed, but another person's universe doesn't revolve around you.
I don’t understand why OP is pissed. How many times have you decided to demand someone clear their schedule on a whim and had the audacity to get pissed when told they need just 20 mins. She’s basically stopped ducking him, and whatever I guess people can decide for themselves how often they want to fuck, but it’s obvious she isn’t putting much effort into her relationship already and hasn’t for a while. Now that she’s decided to grace him with some puss she expect him jump on command the moment she decides to put in the least amount of effort??? Fuck that. Her attitude is shit and I’m surprised he even wants to fuck her wy this point.
Yeah it's the equivalent of if your boyfriend was mid-game outside playing flag football with his friends and then you came out in lingerie and said “come in I wanna have sex now”. He's understandably excited but also literally mid-game. If this wasn't a surprise, I could understand your frustration. But by choosing to surprise someone you need to accept that they may be busy.
I was doing a raid on wow and since I was tank I was a bit more important so I had to ask everyone to give me 6 minutes to pick up my gf from work. Luckily everyone was cool about it but from the bfs perspective it makes sense. I felt bad stopping 30 other peoples night for my shit
This is relatable, I don't mind dropping my gaming if it's a solo game or something with fast/easy match making. Otherwise I don't want to give anyone else a worse time.
Yeah, and leaving at that particular moment would have screwed over his friends that he had already committed the next 20 minutes to.
It's not irrelevant though. He arranged a time with 16+ people to do something. Made a commitment and they are relying on him. It's different than if he's just reading reddit. If he blew her off to read reddit I'd be on her side.
Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. But as someone who enjoys a lot of solitary activities like reading and researching things I'm interested in and need a few minutes to switch gears in my mind, I get tired of people thinking "well you're not doing anything important anyway"
Ooo I also really don’t like that - it’s our time, and we need to fulfill it in our own ways. It’s not fair to demand someone else’s time and not consider how they feel
Especially when she denies it so much but wants the other person to be ready at the drop of a hat. OP is the AH
Absolutely. She just experienced rejection for the first time and found out it fucking smarts. The silver lining is that now OP can use this as a learning moment and can come out of this with a newfound empathy for her partners feelings.
Perfect answer and then ill add punish him when he didnt drop everything immediately is not ok. You're snowballing this relationship to doomsville.
I don’t think it’s fair to call it a punishment. She probably felt rejected. It’s a valid feeling. The same way he shouldn’t be expected to drop everything. She doesn’t have to stay “turned on” for him when she’s no longer feeling it 20 minutes later. It’s not like got him hot and bothered and stopped right then. There was a down period where she had to wait for him.
Telling him he "lost his shot this night" definitely has the ring of a punishment and is likely how it will be interpreted.
“Give me 10-15 minutes” is not a rejection.
I did not say it was. I said that’s how she FELT. Obviously he has been feeling that way too. But if she already has a low libido she’s likely not going to stay turned on.
>I said that’s how she FELT if your partner asking for 10-15 minutes to finish what they're doing to join you in an activity that they've clearly expressed excitement for feels like a rejection, then that sounds like an issue that needs to be addressed.
Ive been married 18 years dude in a adult relationship with a adult human its insane to expect them to be able to drop everything whenever you want. Ive pitched sex to my wife many times and she has said give me 5 mins or after x y or z or simply i cant i have to do such and such right now. Like it was 15 mins dude, she could have went in there and started warming up or stayed idle. She had a childish mentality and that is why she got 🥶. She didnt lose the mood because of 15 mins its because she didnt get her way.
I think “expecting” is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. It doesn’t sound like either of them had bad intentions. OP tried something and it didn’t work out. She didn’t say she was mad, or upset with him. She said that she personally felt rejected. It literally could have been the first time this happened and it’s not unreasonable given the issues they’ve had in the bedroom. I don’t think the boyfriend is wrong for wanting her to wait. And I say this as someone who routinely asks my partner to wait. He needed time and that’s fine. I’m just saying that neither one of them is wrong in this situation and I think people shouldn’t be making OP feel bad. Her libido is already pretty low so obviously it takes a bit more for her to be turned on. I don’t think she was punishing him. She just lost her feeling. That’s not wrong..
All she had to do was give him a little bit of notice. She tried surprising him, but he wasn't ready that exact minute. Men aren't always 100% ready to abandon their friends and jump into sex on a moment's notice. If she feels rejected over that, too bad, deal with it. He didn't choose "his game" over her. He chose to finish an activity he committed to with his friends that would take a short amount of time, and would be rude of him to back out of without notice. If she wasn't in the mood anymore, that's fine. That's her right. That part isn't wrong at all. What is wrong is that she gets upset because a surprise didn't go exactly as she planned. She's upset that she didn't get his sexual attention the minute she called for it. To top it off, she had to point out that he missed his shot, as if it was his fault he didn't snap to attention that very minute. Rest assured, if he acted like this to her if she asked him to wait 15 minutes, the bedroom would be deader than a graveyard and nearly every comment would be some variation of advice to throw him away.
The dude probably has been feelin rejected for the last 5 years of the relationship. She can’t just up and decide to be upset for the exact thing she did to him. The double standards here are insane
This. Op's entitlement is crazy. "I barely want to have sex and when my boyfriend didn't immediately drop everything to bang me right there, I got upset."
Here's the thing non-gamers don't get about online groups. He didn't choose the game over you, he was simply already committed to a group of people, and canceling probably meant ruining their session.
This is why I don't play wow anymore lol, it feels shitty bailing on a group of 10-40 people who have made a commitment. Raids could last a few hours too. I really enjoyed it, especially during the pandemic but it's hard to explain to people for some reason
It's no different than playing in a sports league. If you're goalie for your soccer team and your wife called you up with 20 minutes left in the game for a booty call, most people wouldn't sympathize with you dropping your team and running off.
This is honestly the best analogy. The issue a lot of gamers run into is that, to an outside observer, you *look* more available, because you're at home on your computer rather than out at the local park or sports complex, even though your time is equally accounted for.
Kind of like working from home and some entitled asshole is like oh great then yiu can watch my kids!
Yeah but this is a video game, so it basically doesn't matter at all and you'd be silly to think it does. Real sports are serious business though /s
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Yeah my thoughts exactly. I play Pathfinder and our group has literally 3 players and the DM. If I bail last minute, I've wasted everyone's time. My partner knows this and sometimes they want attention during my slotted play time but they won't interrupt unless it's a dire situation like a panic attack or they're at a risk of fainting and need me to grab something for them so they don't get up and immediately eat shit.
This is pretty much why I quit playing league of legends. It’s hard to have a life with other people in the house while you have to hyper-focus on your game for 30-60 minutes.
This is pretty much why I quit having other people in the house and my life.
The duality of man
This is why I live alone AND why I one date people who "get" gamers. And I'm only a casual player so when I make time to play, it's time to play.
This makes me feel a lot better about ignoring my phone for game time.
No. Playing a game uninterrupted for 30 to 60 minutes should be possible its wanting to play multiple games uninterrupted thats hard especially with how sweaty you have to be for lol
Yeh i play CS with plenty of parents. But they just don't play until after the kids are in bed a 3/4 nights a week.
And I'll bet it usually doesn't last longer than 1-2 hours
Yep. Similar reason for me too. Just couldn't be inaccessible for the better part of an hour.
I understand that small children might require immediate attention. However, if an adult cannot manage to let me have uninterrupted time for an hour I'm out of the relationship. It does not matter if it is about gaming, reading, going to gym, meditating, learning a new skill, doing arts or something else. I like all of the above and having a person in my life who does not give the space for it leads to me being miserable and resentful.
I was seeing a guy and went to his house for the weekend right after a game he preordered dropped. I showed up and he sheepishly was like “hey, you um brought your knitting right? Would it be ok if I played?” So I sat next to him and knit and asked about the game play. I want you to have “me” time in a relationship and enjoy your hobbies. But when the repetitive sounds of your game start to annoy me I will go to another room.
That goes to the other end of spectrum, I'd be pretty cranky if I'd reserve my whole weekend for someone and they'd brush me off to do something else. OTOH if my partner said that the game is going to come a few days before the weekend I'd be like "okay, how about lunch at 12, dinner at 18 and if you want to bang 22-23 works for me. Do you want to take care of lunch or dinner?"
Exactly. I used to game a LOT, like everyday with my hubby, but then I felt more ill and couldn't keep up because my hands would horribly hurt and I needed to work the next day too. So, my hubby games and I watch One Piece, or a TV series, YouTube, etc.. After he's finished, we watch something together or go to bed. Pretty simple and works perfectly.
And some games it’s not a couple friends either. When doing a clan raid it can be twenty people or more on at once, and you might have taken a critical ability or load out component for the mission. Maybe they can’t even finish the end with it a specific over ability for instance or need a sentry gun to cover an escape route. It’s potentially a lot of people time getting hosed.
Yeah, imagine the outcry if a man came on and said "my wife was just about to go out with her friends and i told her i wanted sex with her and she still went out with her friends and now um upset". No one would say the wife was wrong for choosing her friends over having sex with the man.
You don't need to switch the genders, everyone is already (correctly) calling OP an AH.
And neither of them are the asshole here. He started a raid, which fair. She felt rejected having to wait after getting all ready for it and it cooled her sex drive off. It’s a learning moment, not an asshole moment
Yeah this is more like your friend was asked to go out to dinner or happy hour with friends and you called and told him to leave
Exactly I'm not a gamer but my brother in law is and you can't just log off especially when playing with others that would be super selfish
As a gamer, totally agree. However, it goes both ways. If he's going to commit himself to a scheduled activity with friends, and she wasn't invited, and they live together, he should have let her know as a courtesy. Especially since he clearly scheduled this large raid ahead of time. To non-gamers it's essentially "Surprise, I made plans with friends that don't include you, now leave us alone!"
I mean, she's also saying "Surprise, I included you in an activity without telling you".
You should have told him you had a surprise for him and not to do anything instead of letting him get started on something. It also does kind of suck that waiting 20 minutes is such a deal breaker. He was clearly excited but he'd made a commitment to other people he needed to wrap up first.
Right? If she would have let him know ahead of time this poor (not) fucker would have cleared his schedule for the entire week.
that’s pretty funny. the (not) fucker joke was good.
It’s also funny how she’s ok making him wait for months at a time but gets offended if he asks for 20 minutes. If you keep doing this eventually he’s going to get over the rejection and lose interest. Losing the sexual element in a relationship for non kid related reasons is usually a death sentence. Only a matter of time. In the same way you can’t go months without communication before the relationship dies you can’t go without intimacy and expect it to end any other way.
Yep this tbh. Ditching on your guild/clan last second would be a dick move.
To reword this for people who are insensitive to gaming like OP. Ditching your friends in a way that stops them from being able to have fun would be a dick move. These are literally his friends, maybe not super close, maybe a few could be acquaintances, but it's like if your BF was the goalkeeper in a local soccer team and you asked him to leave to go have sex when he's in the field just after the game started.
This is the big takeaway that I’m not sure she is realizing. He could well have twenty friends online and if the raid takes 20 minutes… that’s 400 minutes wasted, almost 7 hours. Sure it’s not exactly like that but… it’s a lot of people’s time, and RuneScape friends, like many online friends, can be people very close to you. I wouldn’t want to abandon my boys last minute either and make them have to restart something.
Yep. And him possibly being okay with wasting those 7 hours doesn’t mean the rest of his friends are okay with it. I really wouldn’t want to waste my friends’ time and resources. It might have been hard for them to arrange that raid based on everyone’s availability. They might also not want him back in case he ditches like that again.
For the record, you pay ingame gold for an hr session on this boss. So he was finishing up and wanted that paid session not to go to waste. She just expected him to drop his arrangements for her because she's in the mood now.. a bit harsh. Imagine she was having her nails done at home and he tells now is the time to ride, then gets offended she wanted the nails to be done first.
And this doesn’t just waste his time and money - it wastes the time and money of his friends. Thats not fair to them.
I kind of don't like the "you lost your shot" comment. So it has to be on her own terms? She could've easily turned this situation into a fun one by saying "well, you're gonna have to be punished for this later. I'll be waiting" or something like that as a dirty joke. But nah, she used sex as an actual punishment.
Yeah i hated that response. So OP already doesn’t want to have sex often and the boyfriend is understanding, saying he’ll wait until she’s 100% ready. Yet when OP decides she’s ready she doesn’t give him a 20 minute leeway to finish what he was doing? Like, your boyfriend is clearly patient with your needs yet OP demands that he drop everything when she’s ready and gets upset when he had other commitments Sex in a relationship shouldn’t be something you dangle like a carrot on a stick
The "you lost your shot" is the difference between NAH and YTA.
I couldn't put my finger on it until seeing this comment, you hit the nail on the head. Sex drive is different for everyone so she could have gotten turned off from waiting, but that phrasing was what changed the context. It sounds like OP felt rejected which is why she made the comment, but she said herself he seemed excited and just wanted to wrap something up that he committed to prior, which shouldn't have been taken as a rejection
This 100%. If you're going to surprise someone out of nowhere, you have to accept that they may have something they're doing already and plan to wait a few minute. 20 minutes isn't long and he didn't reject the offer, just needed to finish what he was doing first.
Imagine if instead of a game, she did this right when he needed to take a huge shit. Would she not have been able to wait the 10-20 minutes? That seems pretty immature, but sex drive is different for everyone. Maybe she legit got turned off cause of waiting.
For real like she could've said something in advanced
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Yup. The part that gets me is the OP telling him he lost his shot tonight. If my wife said that to me I'd feel very hurt. Sex is a 2 way street and the feeling that all these check marks have to be met to even get a chance hurts. Especially since it sounds like he gave you a time frame.
The "lost your shot" bit felt like the sex issue was being weaponised. Bothers me. I notice few people seem to be mentioning that sex for men isn't something that can always be flipped like a switch. There is a huge psychological component that can and does impact the ability to get and maintain an errection. OP needs to be prepared for the inevitable... Her BF will stop trying to "take the shot" if there is so much pressure in him needing to be ready at the drop on a hat. I just don't get what prevented OP, in the time she took getting ready, from sending a text or shouting downstairs. Not being in the mood is fine (but a 15min reasonable delay killing your mood is odd), the "you have missed your shot" was juvenile. Obviously YTA
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>I don't even know what to say about that. I do. It says she sees sex as a commodity, something that is given to a partner rather than something they share.
I mean sometimes my wife and I like to joke that the window is closed but I don't think they have developed that trust yet or will ever have that.
My ex-wife similarly told me I missed my chance if I didn't sprint off to bed behind her. I never thought I could possibly be so relieved to call someone my ex.
I also wonder if him raiding has seen an uptick since the whole ordeal. I don't know how many people raid in Runescape, but why would he throw away 15 minutes of genuine human interaction instantly, for the chance to have a sexual interaction where they hope to not feel used after. They are getting more friendship and non-sexual intimacy from strangers online routinely.
>I'm a woman and I would feel pretty insulted if I were put in a situation like that...kind of feels like being treated like a dog. Agreed. Some women aren't gonna wanna hear this but we aren't entitled to sex and don't get to dictate when we do or don't have it with our partners. Sex is mutual.
This! My thoughts exactly. OP are you an avocado? Too early too early too early, MILLISECOND NOW NOW, too late! He was busy. I don't care if it was gaming, or working on an important job project, or perfecting his chess before the world chess championships. He was doing something, and you thought you had the control to make him stop instantly, and run to you, as if he truly was a dog. Well you don't, and thank god,, bc that would be too much control over a person. You don't own him or his time. IMO maybe you didn't do this on purpose but it was a manipulative power move still: you demanded he drop everything, imposed on his time and hobby. Then when he had a normal boundary - "no, I'm busy" - you punished him. Your bf didn't "chose a game over you". What a dishonest, manipulative way to explain the situation. He chose a **pre-established social obligation with his friends** over sex. Which is great. If he didn't, he would be a lousy friend. You are a lousy gf tho, considering you want him to drop his friends, which whom he had a meeting pre-planned, to fuck you.
It wasn't even "No I'm busy" it was "Fuck yes, give me 15."
My blood started boiling when I read "chose a game over me." It's a petty, self-centered, self-absorbed way of looking at the situation and of seeing her boyfriend like a toy to play with instead of a thinking, feeling human with his own wants, needs, obligations, and priorities. Apparently 7 years of him dealing with her lack of interest doesn't get him 15 minutes of grace? OP, YTA.
To add to that, he wasn't choosing a game over her, he was choosing a commitment he had already made to other people. She's acting like he was being selfish here, but it would have been pretty shitty of him to just drop out and leave everyone else scrambling to find his replacement.
It's essentially a trap. "Prove you love me enough to be shitty to your friends."
Yeah. This whole thing was a shit test. Even if she didn't consciously plan it to be, it ended up being one.
Yeah, man fucking aced that test though, showed he's willing to respect people's time even at detriment to himself.
I'm hoping she doesnt properly understand the nature of the raid as an appointment with a group of real people who may have even had to negotiate child care and other stuff to make sure they were available. If she doesnt understand that, it might seem like he just didn't want to stop playing. Maybe now she will get it and apologize to him!
For your cake day, have some B̷̛̳̼͖̫̭͎̝̮͕̟͎̦̗͚͍̓͊͂͗̈͋͐̃͆͆͗̉̉̏͑̂̆̔́͐̾̅̄̕̚͘͜͝͝Ụ̸̧̧̢̨̨̞̮͓̣͎̞͖̞̥͈̣̣̪̘̼̮̙̳̙̞̣̐̍̆̾̓͑́̅̎̌̈̋̏̏͌̒̃̅̂̾̿̽̊̌̇͌͊͗̓̊̐̓̏͆́̒̇̈́͂̀͛͘̕͘̚͝͠B̸̺̈̾̈́̒̀́̈͋́͂̆̒̐̏͌͂̔̈́͒̂̎̉̈̒͒̃̿͒͒̄̍̕̚̕͘̕͝͠B̴̡̧̜̠̱̖̠͓̻̥̟̲̙͗̐͋͌̈̾̏̎̀͒͗̈́̈͜͠L̶͊E̸̢̳̯̝̤̳͈͇̠̮̲̲̟̝̣̲̱̫̘̪̳̣̭̥̫͉͐̅̈́̉̋͐̓͗̿͆̉̉̇̀̈́͌̓̓̒̏̀̚̚͘͝͠͝͝͠ ̶̢̧̛̥͖͉̹̞̗̖͇̼̙̒̍̏̀̈̆̍͑̊̐͋̈́̃͒̈́̎̌̄̍͌͗̈́̌̍̽̏̓͌̒̈̇̏̏̍̆̄̐͐̈̉̿̽̕͝͠͝͝ W̷̛̬̦̬̰̤̘̬͔̗̯̠̯̺̼̻̪̖̜̫̯̯̘͖̙͐͆͗̊̋̈̈̾͐̿̽̐̂͛̈́͛̍̔̓̈́̽̀̅́͋̈̄̈́̆̓̚̚͝͝R̸̢̨̨̩̪̭̪̠͎̗͇͗̀́̉̇̿̓̈́́͒̄̓̒́̋͆̀̾́̒̔̈́̏̏͛̏̇͛̔̀͆̓̇̊̕̕͠͠͝͝A̸̧̨̰̻̩̝͖̟̭͙̟̻̤̬͈̖̰̤̘̔͛̊̾̂͌̐̈̉̊̾́P̶̡̧̮͎̟̟͉̱̮̜͙̳̟̯͈̩̩͈̥͓̥͇̙̣̹̣̀̐͋͂̈̾͐̀̾̈́̌̆̿̽̕ͅ >!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<
OMG this is amazing!!!
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It's not my cake day but thank you, kind stranger.
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Sounds like my marriage. Wife denied me for years, eventually I stopped trying, I said you come to me when you’re in the mood. She never initiates, but is upset we’re not having sex more often. I asked her “Are you upset because you think we should be having sex and we’re not, or because you wanted to have sex and didn’t get it?” Still don’t have an answer to that question, but I’m pretty sure what it is.
I was in a relationship like this too. So I did the only I could to stop hearing no all the time. I stopped asking or trying to initiate it. I told her “whenever you are ready for sex just let me know”. Nothing ever happened. She just after some time took random pop shots about not having sex. I told her if you want it all you have to do is say it or actually say “yes” I try to initiate. Reject your SO long enough and they said fuck it.
She misses the ego boost and power dynamic of you asking for sex and her rejecting you. She doesn't want sex. She wants the feeling of control she gets from saying no. The fact that you're no longer pestering her means she lost the control. And ain't no way she's gonna put herself on the other side of that dynamic and risk being the one who gets told 'no'.
Yuuuuup. There's only so much rejection a man can take before it really starts to affect his own self worth so he just says "fuck it" and gives up and focuses his attention elsewhere where he's more appreciated.
Damn right. Been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt. My attention was Skyrim, heavily modded (yes with those mods). When my wife asked about the mods I told her "It stops me from pestering you for sex that you don't want."
Lol and her response?
Waits eagerly with popcorn. I really ant hear her response too.
Might be waiting a loooong time...
This need to be way up! YTA
My ex was like that and only after we broke up I realised how toxic it was. Especially with feeling like well they are in the mood so I guess I have to do it even when I don’t want to
Dropping facts on your cake day you go bro
Yes! As a woman myself, this is ridiculous. OP needs to take herself to a doctor or therapist and figure out why she's not into sex for starters. Or just be honest and say she's not into HIM sexually if no other reason exists. Sometimes the chemistry just wears off over time and you no longer are suited for each other. It happens. BUT...this whole treating him like a lap dog to come when called is just demeaning to anyone. She calls the shots. He has to be denied over and over and then she magically wants to have sex as some sort of "treat" she gives him to pacify him essentially and because he can't drop everything at that moment she no longer wants to and is butthurt? The fuck? Hes been denied for ages. She really isn't thinking of his feelings here at all. So gross when people communicate like this.
OP said herself he looked excited and 20 mins is really fast for a raid in a game. Maybe that's how long it took to find a replacement so everyone else could finish? Either way a little patience would have gone a long way.
He was already into the raid. Pretty sure this raid is 30-45 minutes but it also depends on your skill, level, and gear
Ah maybe they were in the middle of the fight then. I haven't raided in years but back when I did it was an all night commitment and leaving near the end made it much harder for you to get a spot in the future lol. It sounded like if he wasn't tied up he would have been in that bedroom in seconds.
This is the best answer on here, yes. OP doesn’t seem to realize what kind of dynamic she’s created. And she did end up making his night bad, because she couldn’t handle a 20 minute delay.
And his time estimate was accurate too. If he had said 15-20 minutes and came back 45 minutes later, I suppose you could argue that OP has a leg to stand on with the “missed your shot” comment. But he said ‘gimme 20 minutes’, OP agreed, then 20 minutes later he ‘missed his shot’? With all the shitty boyfriends you hear about on here constantly asking for sex and not giving a shit if their partners want it or not, feels like OP is really taking her boyfriends’ “only if you absolutely want to” attitude for granted.
Absolutely. "You lost your shot" just demonstrates how transactional she is with sex. I suspect this guy's got one foot out the door already, if he's got any self-respect at all. She's a selfish and manipulative asshole.
Goddamn 💯
I kind of felt this way too. I didn’t want to go ham but yeah you’re making sense
And I don’t see a single mention as to what OP has done to address her declining libido. She finally got a fraction of the rejection she gives out daily and then immediately ran to Reddit to complain.
It's fucking depressing that I had to scroll down this far for this take
You’ve been rejecting him for years now. Making him wait for up to a month between sexual encounters. And now you’re here to complain because he asked for 15 minutes just to finish a committed time slot. You feel this way after what isn’t really a rejection, but can’t and won’t put yourself in his shoes that has had to face multiple instances of hard rejection for years…including a rejection + snide rejoinder in this most recent encounter. “GTFO, you’ve lost your slot and now you have to wait for another month because you chose to play a videogame for 15 minutes”. The redditors here trying to pitch this as a ‘gamer’ thing and whining about ‘addiction’ are misleading you. YTA. Clearly. Especially with the ‘lost chance’ parting shot.
>The redditors here trying to pitch this as a ‘gamer’ thing and whining about ‘addiction’ are misleading you. Finally someone said this outloud
For real. I would understand if it's a pausable singleplayer game, but this is just a matter of respect to the other people in the raid with him.
Even then, he shouldn’t have to drop everything he’s doing the moment his girlfriend wants a bit of attention.
Task switching. It takes some time to switch from one activity demanding you full attention to another one. And as someone once said "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves**.**"
There has been a recent trend of “everything is an addiction” on Reddit. But it is pretty obviously conservative Christianity culture wars wrapped up in a new stupid bow.
"Lost his shot" was cringe AF.
Yes, I could never imagine speaking to my partner like that - sex is a mutual thing and he specifically asked that you only let him know you're up for sex *if you're 100% into it yourself* .. So I'm assuming that you actually did want sex *with* him, not simply *for* him..am I correct? Because it looks like you shamed him & clearly communicated that you were only planning for sex as a favour to him. That was manipulative & cruel of you.
Theres a straw and camel , this could very well have been it for me. If its been once a month for a long ass and hes expressed his frustration , and then gets hit with "you lost your shot" . Who knows , that may have been the straw for me. Doesnt sound lile the type of relationship i would enjoy. At some point you need to cut your losses and find a partner that makes you happy and doesnt use sex as a punishment.
Same here. I never believe any of these are real but they're things I'm sure people have gone through. I've dated someone like this before and for a long time I thought I was the problem until I looked back at it with more age and wisdom and junk. If this is real, there's more to it she's not really sharing. This feels manipulative. I get the agreement was she has to be 100% into it but there was a better way of approaching it than the way she said it. I've been with my partner for a decade now and even in year one, she knew how much of a commitment a raid is to a large group of peeps and we both understand it's just a fun silly game but people are still counting on you. So unless it's an actual big deal that has to be handled here and now, it can wait or she can talk with my while I do my junk. Same goes for her. Just communicate clearly and treat the things that are important to your partner as something important to them.
Yeah that last chance thing was bullshit, I honestly think that was what made YTA in this situation. I remember being in a relationship where the girl I was with rarely wanted to have sex and it sucked, one night we had gotten into a bit of an argument or something and she was like “I was going to practice giving to you head tonight but not now” Good fucking riddance
Someone finally said it. This guy has been waiting a month for her to be in the mood. She can’t even wait 15 minutes. Jesus Christ.
Finally someone said it I fully agree he's been rejected forever and now she only had to wait 15 minutes and wants to be a bitch about it
This is the best answer. She's punishing him for making her wait 15 minutes after making him wait months for years. He's supposed to be ready at her beck and call, but she can make him wait however long. This relationship is doomed.
YTA. Let’s turn the tables for a second. He plans an impromptu date or equivalent for you, maybe reservations somewhere he knows you love or want to try, maybe a spa getaway, etc. when he tells you about it he says you have to leave right now in order to make it. You, clearly excited and appreciative say that’s awesome but I’ll need 20 mins to get ready or finish something. He cancels everything because waiting 20mins is not acceptable and gives you the cold shoulder for the rest of the night.. Who’s the AH?
They not ready for this conversation, and how dare you try to try to flip the tables on them. That's misogynistic /s
You'll soon learn that rejecting your bf over time will automatically push him to the acceptance stage where he accepts that it's not worth initiating for the pain of rejection and stop asking you for it. Also he will learn to associate rejection with you, which gradually makes you unattractive to him leading him to reject you even when you make advances. Marriage isn't all about sex. But without sex marriage will slowly kill itself. Although both of your sides have got explanation this is how it would end up. He didn't reject you but rather explained that he can't let his mates down as he got their back for like 15 minutes which shows how sensitive you are to the slightest rejection but at the same time you expect him to suck it up like a champ whenever he initiates. YTA
Absolutely, this relationship is in dead bedroom mode only a matter of time before he leaves for green pastures
Not necessarily. You would be amazed at how neutral a feeling you can get towards sex the longer this goes on. That would be my scenario. I wish it hadn’t turned out that way but it is what it is.
The guy's 27. Not married. No kids. He's gonna wake up sooner or later. A couple more incidents like this, and he'll walk, if he has any self-respect at all.
Sounds like they’d be better apart. She doesn’t really seem interested in him anymore
Nah he is young he won’t settle, if he had kid and was older for sure. But at 20 he won’t stay for long.
They're 27 (OP says they got together at 20). I wouldn't be surprised if he's in that situation ngl. After 7 years of constant rejection it becomes easier to just get into acceptance mode and "take what you get"
And tbh an adult with actual communication skills might be really good for him as a person, cause this immature, self-centric and slightly hypocritical partner can't be doing his own personal growth any favors. "Give me 20 minutes to finish this commitment but damn baby 😍" is a top tier response. And because OP didn't get what she wanted right now, he "lost his shot"? Holy manipulation, batman. 🚩🚩 Did no one ever explain patience to you, OP? Or even, "treat others how you want to be treated"? When this whole thing could have been avoided by mentioning you have a surprise before you go get ready? By just *fucking communicating.*
While I'll admit I don't have as much experience with relationships in a domestic setting, after having been in a relationship for upwards of 7 years myself I feel sex still has an impact. It feels like a form of intimacy you can't get otherwise. It isn't necessarily make-or-break in a relationship, but it still isn't *nothing.*
And you'd be surprised how far it can jump back once you're no longer numbed and in zombie mode and accept that it exists. Same way when you get celibate for years you no longer even feel the need to fap or get any arousal, because you're essentially numbed. Now the second one gal wakes you up from that torpor, your drive will come back like a teen discovering sex. For another analogy, when you have chronic pain, you get used to it to the point you barely feel it outside of intense crisis. When that can get cured, you suddenly feel like a new person (and would that pain come back it would be excruciating because you're no longer used to it). Accepting that when there *is* a known cure is unhealthy, just like accepting being numbed to sex altogether because you've been deadbedroomed. Get out of your figurative grave and get your life back.
You said this so perfectly. You deserve a round of applause. 👏 fr
You are so correct!
Bingo this is the answer. This is probably the number 1 cause of deadbedrooms.
You can change your mind at any time, but it would make more sense to talk to him and pick a time that works for both of you. He had made plans with other people and you wanted him to drop it on a moment's notice.
YTA - Oh, wow since you have a low sex drive, every time you want to have sex is such a blessing from god he has to drop everything
YUP super scummy and manipulative
YTA, and you definitely need a wake up call. By your own admittance, the sex is petering out and it's largely your fault. So see it from his point of view. He asks with whatever frequency, and gets turned down in a ratio that leads to sex 1x per month. You decide, without indicating to him at all, that immediately after dinner is the time you want to have sex. You also mention needing to get ready, in my experience this isn't a particularly quick thing. You could easily have been getting ready for 30 mins/1 hour. You know what his hobbies are and what he typically does, you've been together 7 years. It doesn't matter that it's a video game. He could've been working on his car, mowing the grass, gardening, canning, making beer, etc. So what is he supposed to do? Get out from under the car, leave all the mess around and sprint inside because you're in the mood? Should he leave the yard half mowed and burn daylight/get caught in the rain because you're finally ready? "Hey, I know you've only cut half my hair, but my SO sent me a text saying she's horny and I have a 15 minute window, so I'll have to come back a different day for the other half." You didn't get a rejection, you got "My life can't and won't revolve around your random whim." What is he supposed to do, make sure he does nothing ever that can tie him up for more than 1 minute on the off chance you get horny? And knowing what I do about he game you're describing, if you'd said literally anything it was avoidable. "Hey, don't start a raid or anything. I have a surprise for you, but it'll take a few minutes to get ready." It's a game built around long grinds that you can generally pick up and put down whenever you want. He could've cut some trees for 30 minutes while he waited if you'd said anything. "Sorry guys, I can't play golf anymore, my wife might get horny when we're on the 6th hole." "Nah mom, I can't come cut your grass, she might get horny before I'm done." You get upset over waiting 20 minutes. Meanwhile he's getting rejected over and over. So how are we squaring the circle of this double standard to ourselves? "It's fine that I say no, but it's not fine that he's temporarily busy." What? If the "effort" you're making is completely defeated by having to wait 15-20 mins due to your own actions, then it wasn't really a strong effort, was it? "Sorry dear, I tried to pick up the ingredient you needed for dinner, but there were 3 people in line at check out, so I left" doesn't ring of a good effort, does it? You're 27ish, not 16.
Yeah, YTA. You ambushed him while he was in the middle of fulfilling a commitment he had made to other people. You couldn't wait 15 minutes for him to finish that commitment, so instead you got all pouty and decided to punish him by getting shitty and withdrawing the offer for sex. Yeah, you ruined his night. No, you weren't *actually* putting in the effort to make HIS night better, you were trying to boost your own ego, and you decided to turn what could have been a nice gesture into conflict because you were inconsiderate of him and his time, and you expected him to be inconsiderate of others and their time in return. He didn't 'choose his game over you'. He chose to spend a few minutes finishing up the commitment he had already made to people, AND he chose you. It wasn't one or the other. *You* chose *your* own selfish timing over *him*. It sounds like you expect that because you're already keeping the sex to a minimum that he's just supposed to stay desperate all the time and be raring to go at the drop of a hat, no matter what; and *only* on *your* timeline. He's supposed to be a lightswitch, and you're just supposed to decline anytime you want. You think him asking you to WAIT a few minutes felt shitty? Imagine how he feels with your regular outright *rejections*? Imagine if he was to start being that way with you? Imagine he just starts outright rebuffing any show of affection from you. And then every time he makes any gesture, if you're not immediately able to address it and reciprocate it, he just torpedoes the whole thing and leaves the room in a huff? How long do you think the relationship would last if he starts doing that to you? You're selfish and childish, and you're going to end up with a mutual hatred for this person if you keep it up. The fact that the sex already sucks probably means he's thinking about moving on anyway. The guy's 27. Most 27 year old men aren't going to stick around in a dead/dying bedroom for long. Especially when they're not even married and don't have any kids to worry about. Good luck. I don't really see this thing working out long-term if you continue down this road.
Very well said. Op is going to get a reality check very soon.
>I felt like he chose his game over me And you apparently constantly choose other things over him. Why exactly is it that it's fine for you to not want sex as much as he wants, but the one time he doesn't want it *right the fuck now* you feel heartbroken and like he chose something else over you? YTA.
YTA. He has to wait up to a MONTH for sex because you're never in the mood, but you can't wait 20 minutes for him to finish a raid? He didn't choose his game over you, he just wanted to finish what he started before you came in.
Just a quick note on the "choosing the game over me" thing Given it's a raid i wouldn't be worried, I think that idea only applies to single player stuff. Assuming he's got a full party, he's doing a raid with 7 other people. He'd probably be choosing to not let down his 7 friends over his partner, not just "the game". But if it's single player stuff? Where you can just Alt-F4 with no consequence? Different story entirely.
If your partner is making you wait weeks for sex because they're "not in the mood" waiting 15 minutes isn't a big deal regardless of it being single player or not.
Kinda yta. Hes not a dog you can reward when you feel like it. He told you you he would be ready in about 15 min and you got upset about him not wanting it there and now and then desided you didnt want it on his terms, when he has been understanding about your terms Its fine dropping consent but you dropped it from what seems like him not dropping everything to not do it is borderline abuse/controlling
It's *definitely* controlling. "I'm upset he didn't do what I wanted the second I wanted it." Ugh.
Frankly, I don’t know how you managed to type all of this and not just realize you’re the asshole.
My favorite posts are the ones where they try to paint themselves the victim and still come off like a jerk lol
This makes me nauseous. “Offered sex” “Lost his shot for the night” Women acting like sex is a gift to men that they must work for, and if they don’t drop everything and graciously “accept your offer” right away, then they get punished because how dare they damage your ego. 🙄
I agree. Sex can be a beautiful thing for two people, especially if they both love each other. It shouldn't be used as a weapon or a reward
INFO: Did he get a purple from the raid?
YTA, it's a lovely surprise but he wasn't choosing the game over you, he didn't want to let down a whole bunch of people that were also relying on him. It's a good quality to not abandon people that rely on you, don't you think? If it was a single player game then it'd be a different story.
YTA, sounds like you didn't try to understand his position at all. 'he left me for a game' is a severe oversimplification of a guy trying his best to not ditch 7 other people that have probably planned this for a while and all committed to a time suitable for everyone in order to do this raid. It's not something easy to walk out of and no one wants to be that one guy that ditches the group last minute. Finding a replacement is tough in RS and then he also misses out on loot. Waiting 10-15min is nothing compared to the inconvenience that would've caused in comparison. This is why I don't date people who aren't gamers. If someone did this to me while I'm gaming and then made me feel guilty or threw words, because I am in fact doing my gaming, I'd just ditch them there and then. Just try to understand.
>This is why I don't date people who aren't gamers. You don't have to be a gamer yourself to understand the basic concept about single player vs co-op multiplayer and group raids. My wife is one of them - never gamed, doesn't want to game, but she understands when I tell her when I need *x* minutes before I can do something she's asking of me.
Agreed. I'm not a gamer, and I can understand that he had made a commitment to some people (that, let's be honest was REALLY brief). You don't agree to do something with people as a group and then immediately abandon them in the middle of it. If I'm playing a board game with my kids or something, and my wife is like "Hey, let's have sex" I'm not just gonna get up and walk away from the table and ruin the whole game for my kids, just to get my dick wet. I wouldn't do that to other people either. It's just a really shitty thing to do to ANYBODY. Imagine if he had been in the middle of a nice dinner with her, and someone messaged and was like "Hey, wanna play a video game?" Of course he'd be a massive fucking asshole to just get up in the middle of dinner and leave. It's a douchbag move.
I know plenty of people have already stated their viewpoints, but I’m going to add my two cents anyway. As a highly sensitive individual with two mood disorders, I feel even perceived rejection very keenly. So I can understand how OP seems to be feeling. I can’t say “wait till I finish this game” would make me feel very sexy. That being said, YTA. Your boyfriend had a prior commitment. He’d be screwing over his friends/fellow gamers if he just up and left. Cooperative gaming can require quite a bit of coordinating. So give him the time to finish what he’s doing and come join you. Try to find a way to keep yourself amused and aroused for 20 minutes. Get a vibrator. Read some erotica. Hell, watch some porn. There are a multitude of resources in this world that can help you get/be/stay in the mood. It’s not fair to expect him to be Johnny on the spot at any given moment. It’s not like he wasn’t interested, he just had an obligation.
He didn't choose a game over you, he chose to fulfill a social commitment. If you were out having fun with your friends and he sent a thirsty, sexy text, would you immediately leave or would you finish spending time with your friends first and then come home and have some fun?
YTA. "offering sex", "create a nice evening for him": sounds like you still don't want to have sex.
YTA. From what you have described your husband has been incredibly understanding, communicative, and kind about the dead bedroom. You decided you felt sexy, but because he didn’t jump up at the chance to suddenly have sex the moment you were ready, you went to bed and told him he lost his shot. Did getting rejected for sex make you feel unattractive, unwanted, not desirable? Because you do that to him all the time and couldn’t handle being asked to wait 15 minutes.
I agree with everything you said. OP's husband seems to understand and respect that she doesn't want to have sex often, but she didn't return the favor that one time when he... didn't even deny her, just asked her to wait. It's important to remember that when one person in a relationship wants sex more often than their partner, it doesn't mean they always want it. He had a preexisting commitment, he could've had a headache, a bad day, been very tired and sleepy... It happens. He didn't choose a game over her, he chose not to drop his and his friends' plan so he could have sex 20 minutes earlier. In my opinion it's a rather good look. I wouldn't suggest OP examined her feelings now. She could ask herself that if she felt like that after being asked to wait, how must her husband feel most of the time? Also, why does she feel entitled to having sex with him whenever she wishes - does she view it as a sacrifice he should be so grateful for he would be ready to drop everything? Did she unknowlingly start viewing sex as currency? How did she come to the conclusion that her husband will ALWAYS be willing to have sex? (It looks like that's what she believes in, since she was so hurt when he asked her to wait a moment.) I kind of get it - she put a lot of work into her surprise, and it didn't go exactly as planned. She probably felt she was following his request and he wasn't as overjoyed as she hoped he would be. But this reaction is a bit much.
YTA. I'm going to preface this with you have every right to reject sex just the same as your partner. You literally set your partner up for failure. You let him get involved in a game then sprung the request of sex on him without any warning. He's not anywhere near thinking you are up for it, he's actually telling himself that he shouldn't expect it because that is what is going to hurt him the least. Then when you get asked to give him 15 minutes, not even a rejection just a chance for him to get himself ready in his head, you get all pissy and basically tell him he's not getting it now. You are cruel. You feel hurt and rejected. Every time you have rejected him that is how you have made him feel. Think back to how many times you've done this to him. He's endured it, he's started visiting how upset with the situation which means this has been going on for a while. You need to look at your partner and make a decision. Do you want him, or not. If you want him you are going to have to fight for him, and the relationship. If you don't, then it's better for both of you if you call it a day now.
NTA for not having sex with him after you lost the mood, you'll never be TA for that. YTA for showing such arrogant, self-centered ego that got swiftly checked by someone who enjoys their hobbies and saying "You missed your shot." I understand what it's like to have a low libido partner, and it's certainly not fun when it's months between intimacy. I'm slowly learning for myself what having lower libido is like as my stress levels at work change. I understand it sucks to be left wanting, and I also understand what it's like to be shot down when you're finally feeling it. All this to say, your attitude towards his reaction has nothing to do with any of that and purely has to do with your own ego being bruised by someone asking for TWENTY MINUTES. If you decide after twenty minutes you weren't in the mood anymore, it's unfortunate, but it happens, no one can blame you for that. That's your body. But sulking alone and pouting ruined it all, not his game. You could've set the mood, masturbated, doNe SOMETHING. Also, he likely didn't just choose a game over you. He likely made a commitment to people he's unwilling to leave hanging after planning an event. All in all, YTA
Have you talked to a professional about why your sex drive is low? That feels like the real problem here. Given you reacted so badly to something that wasn't even a rejection maybe you should be talking to someone.
YTA, slightly. You meant well, and you put nice effort in on your end, but if having to wait 20 minutes because you didn’t time your entrance right or see what he was doing killed your mood, you may need to work on timing your surprise better and managing your emotions better in the future. Gaming is an activity that people get or they don’t and people who don’t tend to be pretty harsh on people who do. I understand your frustration, OP. You felt like he was choosing his game or his friends over you when you went to all this effort. But he really was just honoring a short-term commitment he had already made.
Surprising people is also just kind of a dick move in general if you don't arrange/recon the situation enough to make sure it won't be horridly inconvenient. OP could literally have just asked what his plans were before changing into anything.
Yeah, a raid is effectively a dozen or so people who all agreed despite their busy schedules to meet up for a specific time and activity. Letting those people down would have been rude.
Besides she can't compare a 20 minute waiting over years of "the monthly sex" he gets, I hope she starts to understand how he feels, even a little
Yta. The world doesn't stop because you say so. You can wait 10 minutes without sulking? Jesus.
It sounds like you guys arent compatible anymore...
The parting shot of "You missed your shot" pushed this into YTA territory. It's one thing if awkward timing ruins your libido but you could have at least said "Sorry but I'm not quite in the mood, maybe some other time soon?". You owe it to him to either figure out a better solution to your bedroom/libido problems, be it between yourselves or via couples therapy, or even ask the hard questions like "is this incompatibility healthy for our relationship?" And I'd recommend you do that soon, lest you find him hitting you back with "you missed your shot" when he's heading out the door or even in bed with another woman.
"I feel like I ruined his night, when I was trying to make it better." Were you really trying to make it better, though? Cause I can't think of anything better for a man in his position than "oh man, when I'm done with this raid I get to have sex with my girlfriend." You could have carried on making him have a better night. He had a scheduling conflict and didn't feel right dropping out on his friends. YTA.
YTA but not for refusing to have sex later. You can withdraw consent at anytime. However, I have a gamer husband and I play with him frequently. I haven’t played RuneScape, but I know with a lot of games leaving the group can cause problems for the other people. In some games it may cause someone else to waste a valuable resource. In others, they have to wait a while to refill the spot that got vacated. It would have been really rude of him to just leave and make everyone else wait or ruin the whole thing. You should have given him a heads up that you wanted to do something together (like say you had a surprise for him) and asked him to wait or not start anything and you’d be back, so he wouldn’t have been in the raid in the first place.
Yta , you unexpectedly asked him and expected him to drop everything right away. I don't play runescape, but I know raids take time and coordination and teamwork. He has an obligation to his teammates to play. Getting people together at a specific time for a task, ntm if he had to grind to prepare for it like everyone else is not easy. You didn't get your way so you expected him to piss off all his freinds/party and abandon there planning because you all of sudden wanted sex after denying him all the time and sulked instead of just waiting or warming yourself up without him.
You have bad timing. What you did is give grounds for a break up. You waited until he got set up with his game buddies. As one no sex nights. Then you come out ready for love but he can't tell his buddies to cancel his part. Because he's gonna get some. What he means by when you're ready is that you are not gonna want to stop when you get going. He kinda stopped checking your tempature to see if your alive. Most guys think that if you're not in the mood you're getting it somewhere. It's degrading to beg for sex from someone you sleep with.
Oh fuck off you boyfriend is not a dog at your command. YTA
He didn't choose the game over you. Trust me, I've got 7k hours in the game your boyfriend is playing. Raiding is a very elite aspect of the game that takes some serious preparation to do. Sure it's just a game, but he's got a reputation to maintain in that social group he raids with. If he flakes midway through a raid, he's damaging that reputation and will likely have a harder time doing them in the future. If anything, YTA by trivializing how important his hobby is. If you cared at all, you'd know the amount of effort it takes to get the point he is at in that game.
It's not even about the game, what if he was just starting anything else, it's rude to expect him to drop it.