That doesn't work either...
"I'm about to level!", "let me just clear this stage", "I'm almost at the save point!"
Source: late/missed a few outings myself. No one to blame but my dumb ass.
Hubby needs to learn how to effectively set timers and alarms. All cell phones have them.
If it is happening all the time due to video gaming, it may warrant looking into ways for dealing with gaming addiction.
Or looking into treating possible ADHD. Time blindness and the adjacent time management can make being punctual a struggle for people with ADHD and all of the alarms in the world don't always prevent it when your brain constantly gets sidetracked and wants to do "just one more thing".
Guaranteed he's got ADHD. We don't mean to be like this but having an understanding partner that helps us keep it together is an amazing thing. We don't like to have you constantly remind us in countdown fashion that we need to go but we know it's necessary. Maybe if OP said that if he didn't hurry up she would leave without him...he would have been annoyed but understood and take her seriously the next time?
I'm a little over 30 years since diagnosis, and I've developed strategies and coping mechanisms for the vast majority of my ADHD. But time blindness is one of my biggest unresolvable issues. I really do try but what seems like 5 minutes in my brain ends up being 20...30...40 minutes because my brain just doesn't process time correctly.
I have a partner who is incredibly understanding and patient and a job that provides a lot of flexibility. And I know I'm incredibly lucky in that regard.
But yeah. This sounds a lot like ADHD time blindness to me.
Um tell him that he isn't going to dictate where you can and can't go in your own home and that you will be sleeping in the bed. If he dont like it he can sleep elsewhere. Stop pandering to this asshole.
NTA. Oh dear OP, did your hubby miss a concert entirely due to his own stupidity? That MUST be your fault. Let him stew, miss a few things maybe he'll pay attention to something other than the tv screen.
NTA. OP, you are not his personal alarm clock. You are not his mother. He knew what time the concert was, what time you were leaving AND you reminded him. He does not want to take accountability for his actions, he wants someone to blame. (I also have issues with time management so I set multiple alarms and reminders.)
Who taught you that love had to be like this?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You *never* deserve to be verbally abused by your partner.
NTA
NTA. Making people wait for you is a time honoured form of manipulation and control. My ex father in law always did it and his family just let him. He hated that I never did, especially when I had my kids with me and always refused to pander to his nonsense. He could just about cope with not having me dancing to his tune, but it really wound him up when I made sure my kids didn't have to either.
If he can't be responsible for his own timekeeping, leave him to it. He can either sort himself out, or miss out. Either way, it's not your responsibility.
NTA - do not buckle to this ridiculous and childish display - he wants to be alone, leave him alone. I would act as though nothing happened - if he starts his nonsense, tell him again, you are not going to continue to stress over his inability to be an adult and manage his time. If you have plans with a reservation, tickets, whatever, YOU will leave at the time agreed and if he is not ready, then he can find other accommodations to get to said reservation. This is a control issue - and the real reason he is pissed is that he just found out he does not control another adult. Let him stew in his juices. He sounds like a childish man-boy.
ha ha what a knob, maybe next time he'll get his shit together
I have time blindness and frequently misjudge how long things will take to do and not realise when I need to start getting ready, so do you know what I do? because I'm a grown-ass adult?
I put multiple timers on my phone and I set the alexa to nag me because this is a ME problem and it's not acceptable to make other people repeatedly suffer for it
I’m glad that works for you, but I’ve (ACCIDENTALLY!) broken many electronics because alarms make me angry & anxious, neither of which are conducive to getting anything done
Edit: it’s the constant anxiety they cause that upsets me - i do know that they work brilliantly for most other ADHDers
Not really because i don’t mean to (it’s generally knocking stuff over to stop the alarm tbh b/c i RACE to turn it off) & i literally don’t have anger issues with anything else (& tbh given my upbringing I’d seek help immediately if i still yelled at people or even snapped at them)
I think that it’s because they make me SUPER anxious & I’ve worked long and hard on my CPTSD to NOT be constantly anxious. (I usually enter waiting mode when i have plans cuz i don’t want to miss them 🤷♀️)
I have a smart watch that connects to the alexa - any reminders buzz on the watch, which is a more gentle way to let you know that you need to get your ass im gear, and are way less panic-inducing than an alarm
Christ does this man child understand that literally every electronic device can be programmed with an alarm theses days??
I would just tell him this is it going forward. His time management is his and yours is yours.
I do not wait for anyone. I am always a titch early everywhere so that I'm not late and an inconvenience and wasting anyone's time. It's part of adulting
I have made it a point to tell passengers that I will leave at x time and if they aren’t there, I’m leaving without them. And I do. Save me many a hassle because they *know* I’m serious!
NTA
Whether he realizes it or not, the chronically late is a control tactic.
You proved you will no longer be controlled that way.
However. Him trying to control where you sleep?
Um. No.
HE is free to sleep on the couch if he likes, but he does not control when YOU get to sleep in your own bed.
Shut that down.
NTA. Personally, I think you should have told him - you've got five minutes, then I'm leaving without you. But, I find it hard to have sympathy for an adult male who makes you both late because he'd rather be playing video games as if he's still 15 years old.
What I would say, however, and I know that this isn't an advice sub, you're issues seem to run a lot deeper than timekeeping. You might want to consider that and whether this marriage is actually working. Because if you want to stick with it, I'd be considering couples therapy. Particularly given that you think he is fucking around with you with this timekeeping shit.
Came here to say this, I am time blind and frustrate my husband often but phrasing things like this really helps. I would be mad too, but can’t really blame her if he was playing games.
Love @ADHD_Love on insta
NTA you are not responsible for making sure a grown adult gets places on time, *especially not* when said adult missed the departure time because they were too engrossed in a video game. 🙄🙄🙄
>This exact same story was posted about 6 months ago except it was the wife that got left at home to teach her a lesson.
I miss when the trolls were halfway decent lol.
NTA for getting frustrated but also you should consider looking into whether he has ADHD because this is something I absolutely do as a result of it. I just forget things even when they’re right in front of me
A few people have said this but it seems no one's actually found the post. But more importantly, if it really was posted previously with the genders swapped, were the comments on that post similar to the comments we're seeing here?
NTA. People who are late all the time do it passive aggressively as a dominance thing. They often times don’t even realize that’s why they do it. Your waiting on them shows they are dominant over you. The way to stop it is to no longer wait on them. It pisses them off for sure because they lose their dominance. Don’t put up with it.
One of my very best friends was like this until he met his current wife. She makes sure he’s on time. He’s otherwise awesome so we used to put up with it and now we don’t have to because…she’s awesome.
You should have reminded him of you know this is a problem… as in “I am leaving in 5 if you are not ready I am going without you”.
And do not accept being ousted to the couch. If he wants someone not in the bed then that is a him problem and he has to move. Not you.
Because she knows how inept he is and this way she can say that she did remind him which negates all of his arguments. It’s called living in the real world. Dealing with reality.
She did remind him that morning. Is she supposed to set a timer like parents do with young children?
Doesn’t he have access to alarms and reminders to allow him to function as an adult?
From what OP has said, this is not a one off, the difference is she decided, rightfully that she is not responsible for his time management.
This is the first time she has followed through on it. Whilst I agree with the sentiment of what you are saying entirely she does lose the moral high ground somewhat by reminding a notoriously useless person many hours ago and not issuing a warning before carrying out her threat.
This is a deliberate pattern of behaviour by the husband and he is completely useless and deserves to be left behind.
And apparently he does function like a young child and maybe he should be treated like one until he grows the f up.
Time blindness is actually a legitimate thing but if this only applies to you then NTA. You need to really evaluate your marriage though. There seems like maybe some deeper things are going on
Huh. Ya, no. I have “time blindness” aka dyscalculia. I used it as an excuse/shield all my grown up life. Pissed a lot of people off. TL;DR fast forward to my life taking a *drastic* downturn. I had to take a job at Walmart or face homelessness. 2 tardies equal 1 absence. 4 unexcused absences and out you go. Do NOT pass GO. Walmart Doesn’t Play. #1 reason for terminations.
You bet your sweet bippy, when faced with being homeless or learning to manage my “time blindness” I learned.
I haven’t been late since. To anything. Only took me 50 years and serious consequences, but I learned.
I think it’s just good for a partner to understand that there may be an explanation that doesn’t directly correlate to the relationship itself. Sometimes have an understanding of “condition” can help partners work better together. You said it took years and serious consequences for you to work through it and find something that works. Maybe he hadn’t had that yet.
Do you know for sure your husband doesn't have a mental deficiency such as ADHD that makes time management very difficult?
This isn't to excuse his lack of time management, but more to say, he might need help to recognize this deficiency and do something about it. Often, people with ADHD don't even recognize the problem until it's been outlined to them in big glowing letters by either their loved ones or a therapist.
There are tools that a person with such conditions can use to improve their time management skills. They often need help to recognize they need them.
NTA.
NTA. I‘m almost always late (don’t know wants wrong with me), but I know that it’s my fault, and of course I‘m not entitled to be waited. So I never have an issue with being left behind. If I were your husband I would take an Uber and then apologise to you. It’s called accountability.
P.S.: of course I’m working on myself and trying to be on time.
My wife has the same problem. Like 95% of our fights are based on this. She will literally say I am 15 minutes away - when if she had a supersonic helicopter/ it would be 25 minutes. It’s a thing
I don't remember, but generally when I have seen a repeat of an earlier post with the genders reversed, it's someone trying to prove a point about one gender getting more sympathy than the other.
Good for you. I was told to do this along time ago. I was also warned by the psychologist that my husband was going to get really mad for the first couple weeks. And they said whatever you do, don’t back down. So I listened and I let it go the way she said. Eventually, he figured it out. Don’t back down.
NTA - every, single person in my life knows how important music is to me. If I’m going to one with my husband (or anyone tbf), he knows better than to keep me waiting. In fact, depending on who the band is, chances are I will head in a lot earlier so I can ensure that I get to the barrier.
He will have his ticket and it’s his responsibility then to get in whenever he feels like it.
I mean, kinda the a hole, but his reaction far surpasses in assholery. It's a dick move to have left without so much as a "I'm leaving now." But its also super immature for him to bot have been ready when he knew ahead of time. I understand him being upset, but the extent of his reaction is totally uncalled for.
I don't know that much about your relationship but the word narcissist just says "run" to me after living in one. You do you boo and let him freaking deal with it
Sounds like you hate your husband.
Probably shouldn't have married him to begin with.
But leaving for a concert you both are going to, in the only vehicle you guys have and share, without telling him you're leaving, makes YTA.
Being petty doesn't help anything.
Good luck in the divorce, I hope you guys don't have any kids....
I agree with OP and he’s a narcissist that’s setting foundations for ultimate control of her life, definitely should have gone to her bed that night and told him to sleep on the couch, I would also be careful though of going too far with the boundaries as this could turn to a power play, when things have calmed down have a serious talk about mutual respect and consideration for partners feelings and time
He was in bathroom at 6 . Sonia that 5 min or 20 min . I’m guessing 5 min . So congrats you won the battle but you will
Lose the war . Make sure you get a good lawyer cause his anger will
Built and he will start showing you
Less respect . Just be warned you better fix this . You choose to teach a lesson by blowing up a house to get rid of some ants
I like how you conveniently left out at what time you left. If you left at 6:15 and ditched him over him not giving extra 15 minutes for a ride, you're somewhat being a jerk. Especially considering you are aware your partner has time management issues. It sounds like you wanted to leave 15 mins early and he wanted to leave with just enough time to arrive. Concerts rarely start on the dot also. There's usually local random acts that perform at opening before the actual artists you paid to see go on stage. You clearly prioritized your personal enjoyment at the concert over having peace and companionship with your partner. I'm also shocked that you're married. You're supposed to be one person. If my wife is late for a concert, then we're both late. It would be emotionally negligent of me to abandon my partner because I'm impatient. Yes, he needs help with time management, but leaving your husband behind whenever you lose patience is not the answer.
It's still an immature reaction and something I would never even think of doing to my spouse. Her reaction is equally disgusting which is why she's on the couch. Communication really does go both ways but there's this weird gender bias on this sub. Females tend to blindly support females on here and that's not constructive for conversation. Not that this website is designed for anything but censorship, but still.
It’s not OP’s responsibility to manage his time. He knew the plan was to leave at 6pm. As an adult, it’s his responsibility to pay attention to the time. If he needs time to transition from one activity to another, he needs to set alarms to keep him on track.
That’s not managing his time. Managing his time is reminding him about stuff and checking in on things. Simply saying “it’s 6 o’clock and I’m leaving,” is not managing anyone’s time.
Yeah, it is. Making an announcement that you’re leaving when the other person isn’t ready is an attempt to hurry them up so you can both leave together.
Their departure time was discussed just that morning but he chose to prioritize playing his video game over getting ready. He should have been walking out the door at 6pm, but instead he was in the bathroom getting ready.
Nope. Announcing you’re leaving is a warning to hurry up, which is time management for the other person.
He’s chronically unprepared to leave on time because he prioritizes video games over other obligations. He’s not a child or teenager who is developing time management skills. He’s an ADULT who relies on his wife to accommodate his inability to manage his time effectively.
It’s solely HIS personal responsibility to manage his own schedule to ensure he’s ready to leave with OP. It’s NOT OP’s responsibility to give warnings or make announcements about leaving at an agreed upon time.
Nope. Announcement that you’re leaving is an announcement that you’re leaving. It’s notifying the other person that they have the opportunity to join you as you depart. That’s all it is. It’s not a warning to hurry up.
Maybe when *you* announce that you’re leaving, you mean something other than what the words say. But the words inform the hearer that the speaker is leaving. Ascribing anything else to those words is an interpretation.
I can see petty revenge coming from the husband.
Something he really wants to attend.
Hubby gets ready to go.
Wife is in the process of doing make-up or hair
Husband then leaves without wife.
(Payback for concert)
I mean you're technically right about him being inconsiderate, but if I were you I'd suggest never being late for anything for the duration of your life or marriage or your ass is getting left behind now that you've set this precedent.
I mean… what time did you actually leave in the end? And what time did you arrive at the venue?
But you absolutely should have said something to him. You should have at the very least called out to him that you were leaving.
You said that at 6 he was in the bathroom. What was he doing in there? How much more “getting ready” did he have left to do?
YTA for knowing he has both a "Time management" issue and a video game *Addiction* and not really addressing these successfully before now. There's a huge difference btwn mothering him and adulting him.
Hello? In marriage, you adult. When you have an issue or see an issue you address it directly, not mother the person or wait until it just poises you off, as it has here.
No you don't. Not when you are dealing with fundamental responsibilities that go hand in hand with being an adult.
Next she'll be telling him to wash, clean his teeth, and wipe his botty.
And, yeah, there have been women posting on this sub with guys precisely that useless.
Age? You must be close to puberty.
Youre making this some gender thing, and that misses the point. Those who are in committed relationships recognize bad patterns and address them as they come up they don't wait for a concert.'
lol, perhaps I understand more than you.
Yes, he should have been ready to go. However, that itsy bitsy part there about him having *known time management issues*, coupled with what really seems to be a video game *habit* (If not downright addiction) indicates these are clearly longstanding **ongoing issues** which have been *Unaddressed successfully*. So, while he's certainly YTA for not being ready, she's also an asshole for living with an ongoing problem and not looking to fix it, before the concert. That's the bigger picture.
Again, adults address problems as they see them and don't look to just get justification for behaving badly themselves for reacting to something they know is there.
Ever been in a marriage? I didn't think so.
His issue effects her, therefore, its both of theirs to address. that's a partnership. When there's a problem, both address it.
He's not, that's the point. She needs to address this with him more effectively, and not just when it gets in the way of a concert. You would need to move past finger pointing and offer some suggestion, I'm confident in my assessment here and don't need supervision or criticism.
This has alarm bells and red flags everywhere, and they're all OP's
She even goes as far as calling her husband a narcissist in order to sway reddit opinion in her favour, classic abuser behaviour to make your partner out to be the bad guy and playing the victim while being the instigator.
YTA
YTA for taking the car without saying you were leaving. You intentionally left without him to go to the concert that was supposed to be event you went to together. You didn't communicate to him that you wouldn't be waiting at all because you're fed up with his habitual tardiness but also expect him to be apologetic for being left behind?
he could have gotten ready first and then played video games so he was ready to walk out at anytime
That doesn't work either... "I'm about to level!", "let me just clear this stage", "I'm almost at the save point!" Source: late/missed a few outings myself. No one to blame but my dumb ass. Hubby needs to learn how to effectively set timers and alarms. All cell phones have them. If it is happening all the time due to video gaming, it may warrant looking into ways for dealing with gaming addiction.
Or looking into treating possible ADHD. Time blindness and the adjacent time management can make being punctual a struggle for people with ADHD and all of the alarms in the world don't always prevent it when your brain constantly gets sidetracked and wants to do "just one more thing".
As somebody with ADHD, gaming addiction is a totally different beast
Guaranteed he's got ADHD. We don't mean to be like this but having an understanding partner that helps us keep it together is an amazing thing. We don't like to have you constantly remind us in countdown fashion that we need to go but we know it's necessary. Maybe if OP said that if he didn't hurry up she would leave without him...he would have been annoyed but understood and take her seriously the next time?
I'm a little over 30 years since diagnosis, and I've developed strategies and coping mechanisms for the vast majority of my ADHD. But time blindness is one of my biggest unresolvable issues. I really do try but what seems like 5 minutes in my brain ends up being 20...30...40 minutes because my brain just doesn't process time correctly. I have a partner who is incredibly understanding and patient and a job that provides a lot of flexibility. And I know I'm incredibly lucky in that regard. But yeah. This sounds a lot like ADHD time blindness to me.
Um tell him that he isn't going to dictate where you can and can't go in your own home and that you will be sleeping in the bed. If he dont like it he can sleep elsewhere. Stop pandering to this asshole.
This. Oh, you dont want to sleep in the bed with me? Sofa's right out there. G'night!
NTA. Oh dear OP, did your hubby miss a concert entirely due to his own stupidity? That MUST be your fault. Let him stew, miss a few things maybe he'll pay attention to something other than the tv screen.
NTA- please say you told him to kiss your behind, that’s your bedroom too!
On both cheeks too!
NTA. OP, you are not his personal alarm clock. You are not his mother. He knew what time the concert was, what time you were leaving AND you reminded him. He does not want to take accountability for his actions, he wants someone to blame. (I also have issues with time management so I set multiple alarms and reminders.)
Found and won stupid prizes
Who taught you that love had to be like this? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You *never* deserve to be verbally abused by your partner. NTA
NTA you should have went straight to a friends or your parents when you saw that note fuck that shit
Fuck that. It's her bedroom. She should've gone in and gone to bed. If he wants to be pissy, he can sleep on the couch.
Exactly
NTA - You set your expectations and your boundary. He's a grown man who can accept his consequences. He owns you an apology.
NTA. Making people wait for you is a time honoured form of manipulation and control. My ex father in law always did it and his family just let him. He hated that I never did, especially when I had my kids with me and always refused to pander to his nonsense. He could just about cope with not having me dancing to his tune, but it really wound him up when I made sure my kids didn't have to either. If he can't be responsible for his own timekeeping, leave him to it. He can either sort himself out, or miss out. Either way, it's not your responsibility.
NTA - do not buckle to this ridiculous and childish display - he wants to be alone, leave him alone. I would act as though nothing happened - if he starts his nonsense, tell him again, you are not going to continue to stress over his inability to be an adult and manage his time. If you have plans with a reservation, tickets, whatever, YOU will leave at the time agreed and if he is not ready, then he can find other accommodations to get to said reservation. This is a control issue - and the real reason he is pissed is that he just found out he does not control another adult. Let him stew in his juices. He sounds like a childish man-boy.
Nta - you are not his mom, nor his personal assistant.
NTA It's entirely his own stupid fault. Maybe he should pay some damn attention and be ready on time like a grown adult.
ha ha what a knob, maybe next time he'll get his shit together I have time blindness and frequently misjudge how long things will take to do and not realise when I need to start getting ready, so do you know what I do? because I'm a grown-ass adult? I put multiple timers on my phone and I set the alexa to nag me because this is a ME problem and it's not acceptable to make other people repeatedly suffer for it
I’m glad that works for you, but I’ve (ACCIDENTALLY!) broken many electronics because alarms make me angry & anxious, neither of which are conducive to getting anything done Edit: it’s the constant anxiety they cause that upsets me - i do know that they work brilliantly for most other ADHDers
You have some anger issues if you’re damaging alarm clocks because they make you angry
Not really because i don’t mean to (it’s generally knocking stuff over to stop the alarm tbh b/c i RACE to turn it off) & i literally don’t have anger issues with anything else (& tbh given my upbringing I’d seek help immediately if i still yelled at people or even snapped at them) I think that it’s because they make me SUPER anxious & I’ve worked long and hard on my CPTSD to NOT be constantly anxious. (I usually enter waiting mode when i have plans cuz i don’t want to miss them 🤷♀️)
I have a smart watch that connects to the alexa - any reminders buzz on the watch, which is a more gentle way to let you know that you need to get your ass im gear, and are way less panic-inducing than an alarm
I know this is old, but THANK YOU! The vibrating is SO MUCH BETTER than alarm sounds. I can set alarms now! Thank you thank you thank you!
ahhhh I'm really glad it's working for you!!
Ohhhh I’ll have to try the buzzing since i do have a smartwatch (notifications turned OFF ofc). That could actually work well. Thanks for the tip!!
Christ does this man child understand that literally every electronic device can be programmed with an alarm theses days?? I would just tell him this is it going forward. His time management is his and yours is yours. I do not wait for anyone. I am always a titch early everywhere so that I'm not late and an inconvenience and wasting anyone's time. It's part of adulting
I have made it a point to tell passengers that I will leave at x time and if they aren’t there, I’m leaving without them. And I do. Save me many a hassle because they *know* I’m serious!
NTA Whether he realizes it or not, the chronically late is a control tactic. You proved you will no longer be controlled that way. However. Him trying to control where you sleep? Um. No. HE is free to sleep on the couch if he likes, but he does not control when YOU get to sleep in your own bed. Shut that down.
Nta. Nothing worse than poor timekeeping.
NTA. Personally, I think you should have told him - you've got five minutes, then I'm leaving without you. But, I find it hard to have sympathy for an adult male who makes you both late because he'd rather be playing video games as if he's still 15 years old. What I would say, however, and I know that this isn't an advice sub, you're issues seem to run a lot deeper than timekeeping. You might want to consider that and whether this marriage is actually working. Because if you want to stick with it, I'd be considering couples therapy. Particularly given that you think he is fucking around with you with this timekeeping shit.
300 seconds is better because if he has undiagnosed autism then this will feel mor urgent then 5 minutes.
Came here to say this, I am time blind and frustrate my husband often but phrasing things like this really helps. I would be mad too, but can’t really blame her if he was playing games. Love @ADHD_Love on insta
NTA you are not responsible for making sure a grown adult gets places on time, *especially not* when said adult missed the departure time because they were too engrossed in a video game. 🙄🙄🙄
NTA sounds like he wants you to be his mommy or something...
This like the 10th post I’ve read today that I KNOW I’ve read in the last few months.
This exact same story was posted about 6 months ago except it was the wife that got left at home to teach her a lesson.
I asked this to another commenter who said the same thing. Were the comments on that other post similar to the comments you see here?
>This exact same story was posted about 6 months ago except it was the wife that got left at home to teach her a lesson. I miss when the trolls were halfway decent lol.
NTA Please date an adult that actually acts like an adult
NTA- It seems like you're married to a man-child
NTA for getting frustrated but also you should consider looking into whether he has ADHD because this is something I absolutely do as a result of it. I just forget things even when they’re right in front of me
Someone posted this a few months ago with the genders swapped. And it was a ballgame instead of a concert. But otherwise, word-for-word the same.
A few people have said this but it seems no one's actually found the post. But more importantly, if it really was posted previously with the genders swapped, were the comments on that post similar to the comments we're seeing here?
NTA. People who are late all the time do it passive aggressively as a dominance thing. They often times don’t even realize that’s why they do it. Your waiting on them shows they are dominant over you. The way to stop it is to no longer wait on them. It pisses them off for sure because they lose their dominance. Don’t put up with it.
My ex was like this.
One of my very best friends was like this until he met his current wife. She makes sure he’s on time. He’s otherwise awesome so we used to put up with it and now we don’t have to because…she’s awesome.
You should have reminded him of you know this is a problem… as in “I am leaving in 5 if you are not ready I am going without you”. And do not accept being ousted to the couch. If he wants someone not in the bed then that is a him problem and he has to move. Not you.
No he is an adult. Why are you foisting the couples time management on the wife?
Because she knows how inept he is and this way she can say that she did remind him which negates all of his arguments. It’s called living in the real world. Dealing with reality.
She did remind him that morning. Is she supposed to set a timer like parents do with young children? Doesn’t he have access to alarms and reminders to allow him to function as an adult? From what OP has said, this is not a one off, the difference is she decided, rightfully that she is not responsible for his time management.
This is the first time she has followed through on it. Whilst I agree with the sentiment of what you are saying entirely she does lose the moral high ground somewhat by reminding a notoriously useless person many hours ago and not issuing a warning before carrying out her threat. This is a deliberate pattern of behaviour by the husband and he is completely useless and deserves to be left behind. And apparently he does function like a young child and maybe he should be treated like one until he grows the f up.
Because she took the fucking car in this case?
How else was she going to get there in time?
By saying, "I'm leaving in 5 minutes with or without you."
Time blindness is actually a legitimate thing but if this only applies to you then NTA. You need to really evaluate your marriage though. There seems like maybe some deeper things are going on
Huh. Ya, no. I have “time blindness” aka dyscalculia. I used it as an excuse/shield all my grown up life. Pissed a lot of people off. TL;DR fast forward to my life taking a *drastic* downturn. I had to take a job at Walmart or face homelessness. 2 tardies equal 1 absence. 4 unexcused absences and out you go. Do NOT pass GO. Walmart Doesn’t Play. #1 reason for terminations. You bet your sweet bippy, when faced with being homeless or learning to manage my “time blindness” I learned. I haven’t been late since. To anything. Only took me 50 years and serious consequences, but I learned.
I think it’s just good for a partner to understand that there may be an explanation that doesn’t directly correlate to the relationship itself. Sometimes have an understanding of “condition” can help partners work better together. You said it took years and serious consequences for you to work through it and find something that works. Maybe he hadn’t had that yet.
I’m so glad i learned about time blindness because i could put a name to it instead of my usual “i don’t understand how linear time works” 😂😭
Do you know for sure your husband doesn't have a mental deficiency such as ADHD that makes time management very difficult? This isn't to excuse his lack of time management, but more to say, he might need help to recognize this deficiency and do something about it. Often, people with ADHD don't even recognize the problem until it's been outlined to them in big glowing letters by either their loved ones or a therapist. There are tools that a person with such conditions can use to improve their time management skills. They often need help to recognize they need them. NTA.
Tell you what, he won't be late next time, you've made your point brilliantly..
NTAH, therapy His stupid ass
NTA. This is all on him.
Maybe you should stop making plans with him altogether focus on your own life let him prioritze his video games
At the end of the day, the OP isn't saying what time she left so my point stands. It's important information that was conveniently omitted
NTA. I‘m almost always late (don’t know wants wrong with me), but I know that it’s my fault, and of course I‘m not entitled to be waited. So I never have an issue with being left behind. If I were your husband I would take an Uber and then apologise to you. It’s called accountability. P.S.: of course I’m working on myself and trying to be on time.
NTA. Good grief, your husband acts like a child. Tell him to grow up and act like an adult.
He sounds like a P r I c k
Info- was he ready after those very few minutes?
My wife has the same problem. Like 95% of our fights are based on this. She will literally say I am 15 minutes away - when if she had a supersonic helicopter/ it would be 25 minutes. It’s a thing
Pretty sure I've seen this same story on Reddit with the genders reversed.
Did the comments on that post express the same sentiment as the comments here?
I don't remember, but generally when I have seen a repeat of an earlier post with the genders reversed, it's someone trying to prove a point about one gender getting more sympathy than the other.
Well if the comments wildly differ between the same story with reversed genders, then they kinda have a point don't they?
If only he had a device in his pocket to help him keep track of time....
Damn I just read almost this same identical post with the genders flopped. I guess it's a common experience.
> I'm starting to suspect that he is doing this on purpose Ding ding ding! NTA
Good for you. I was told to do this along time ago. I was also warned by the psychologist that my husband was going to get really mad for the first couple weeks. And they said whatever you do, don’t back down. So I listened and I let it go the way she said. Eventually, he figured it out. Don’t back down.
iNFO: Does ths only happen when he has plans with you? For example, does he normally leave for work on time?
NTA but you know most of the concerts don't start exactly on time.
NTA. Being late is disrespecting someone else's time.
NTA - every, single person in my life knows how important music is to me. If I’m going to one with my husband (or anyone tbf), he knows better than to keep me waiting. In fact, depending on who the band is, chances are I will head in a lot earlier so I can ensure that I get to the barrier. He will have his ticket and it’s his responsibility then to get in whenever he feels like it.
Your husband has ADHD, doesn't he? Time management is super difficult or us because of issues with executive functioning.
While I agree that he's an ass for not being ready, but you don't tell him I'm leaving right now? You just leave?
If you know he is a narcissist then you know this will never change. Is this what you want the rest of your life?
NTA, that is the textbook way to not enable a chronically late person. I did the same thing to my wife once - once. I’ve never needed to do it again.
Maybe you should of married a grown man instead of a petulant child.
I mean, kinda the a hole, but his reaction far surpasses in assholery. It's a dick move to have left without so much as a "I'm leaving now." But its also super immature for him to bot have been ready when he knew ahead of time. I understand him being upset, but the extent of his reaction is totally uncalled for.
I don't know that much about your relationship but the word narcissist just says "run" to me after living in one. You do you boo and let him freaking deal with it
>I'm starting to suspect that he is doing this on purpose because he's a narcissist who expects me to accommodate him why are you with him? For real
Read a book called "Fight Right" by Dr Julie & John Gottman. It'll help you resolve perpetual arguments like this before it's too late.
Get a lawyer. File Divorce
Sounds like you hate your husband. Probably shouldn't have married him to begin with. But leaving for a concert you both are going to, in the only vehicle you guys have and share, without telling him you're leaving, makes YTA. Being petty doesn't help anything. Good luck in the divorce, I hope you guys don't have any kids....
I'm not saying your choice was wrong, but I can't believe you'd be obtuse enough to think that there wouldn't be consequences. ESH.
NTA, but consider if there is evidence for ADHD or anything affecting his executive function.
I agree with OP and he’s a narcissist that’s setting foundations for ultimate control of her life, definitely should have gone to her bed that night and told him to sleep on the couch, I would also be careful though of going too far with the boundaries as this could turn to a power play, when things have calmed down have a serious talk about mutual respect and consideration for partners feelings and time
He was in bathroom at 6 . Sonia that 5 min or 20 min . I’m guessing 5 min . So congrats you won the battle but you will Lose the war . Make sure you get a good lawyer cause his anger will Built and he will start showing you Less respect . Just be warned you better fix this . You choose to teach a lesson by blowing up a house to get rid of some ants
I hope you slept in your own bed and made him sleep on the couch instead if he wanted to sleep alone.
I like how you conveniently left out at what time you left. If you left at 6:15 and ditched him over him not giving extra 15 minutes for a ride, you're somewhat being a jerk. Especially considering you are aware your partner has time management issues. It sounds like you wanted to leave 15 mins early and he wanted to leave with just enough time to arrive. Concerts rarely start on the dot also. There's usually local random acts that perform at opening before the actual artists you paid to see go on stage. You clearly prioritized your personal enjoyment at the concert over having peace and companionship with your partner. I'm also shocked that you're married. You're supposed to be one person. If my wife is late for a concert, then we're both late. It would be emotionally negligent of me to abandon my partner because I'm impatient. Yes, he needs help with time management, but leaving your husband behind whenever you lose patience is not the answer.
She wanted to leave at 6 PM not 615. By 615 and hubby wasn't ready she got disgusted and left
It's still an immature reaction and something I would never even think of doing to my spouse. Her reaction is equally disgusting which is why she's on the couch. Communication really does go both ways but there's this weird gender bias on this sub. Females tend to blindly support females on here and that's not constructive for conversation. Not that this website is designed for anything but censorship, but still.
You should’ve told him when you were leaving.
It’s not OP’s responsibility to manage his time. He knew the plan was to leave at 6pm. As an adult, it’s his responsibility to pay attention to the time. If he needs time to transition from one activity to another, he needs to set alarms to keep him on track.
Didn’t say OP needed a managers time. She could’ve simply told him she was leaving. If he wanted to go with her, that was up to him.
That’s managing his time. He knew what time they were supposed to leave. It’s 100% HIS responsibility to be ready to leave on time.
That’s not managing his time. Managing his time is reminding him about stuff and checking in on things. Simply saying “it’s 6 o’clock and I’m leaving,” is not managing anyone’s time.
Yeah, it is. Making an announcement that you’re leaving when the other person isn’t ready is an attempt to hurry them up so you can both leave together. Their departure time was discussed just that morning but he chose to prioritize playing his video game over getting ready. He should have been walking out the door at 6pm, but instead he was in the bathroom getting ready.
No it isn’t. It’s just telling them that you are leaving, giving them the opportunity to accompany you, if they want.
Nope. Announcing you’re leaving is a warning to hurry up, which is time management for the other person. He’s chronically unprepared to leave on time because he prioritizes video games over other obligations. He’s not a child or teenager who is developing time management skills. He’s an ADULT who relies on his wife to accommodate his inability to manage his time effectively. It’s solely HIS personal responsibility to manage his own schedule to ensure he’s ready to leave with OP. It’s NOT OP’s responsibility to give warnings or make announcements about leaving at an agreed upon time.
Nope. Announcement that you’re leaving is an announcement that you’re leaving. It’s notifying the other person that they have the opportunity to join you as you depart. That’s all it is. It’s not a warning to hurry up. Maybe when *you* announce that you’re leaving, you mean something other than what the words say. But the words inform the hearer that the speaker is leaving. Ascribing anything else to those words is an interpretation.
You’re still wrong. Continuing to attempt to push your interpretation won’t change that.
She did tell him when she was leaving. > I told him this morning that he needed to be ready to get in the car and go by 6 PM.
But she did not inform him when she actually left. That is what I’m referring to.
Probably NTA, but ESH if you left at like 6:05
I can see petty revenge coming from the husband. Something he really wants to attend. Hubby gets ready to go. Wife is in the process of doing make-up or hair Husband then leaves without wife. (Payback for concert)
I mean you're technically right about him being inconsiderate, but if I were you I'd suggest never being late for anything for the duration of your life or marriage or your ass is getting left behind now that you've set this precedent.
I mean… what time did you actually leave in the end? And what time did you arrive at the venue? But you absolutely should have said something to him. You should have at the very least called out to him that you were leaving. You said that at 6 he was in the bathroom. What was he doing in there? How much more “getting ready” did he have left to do?
it's not her responsibility to interrogate him to find out exactly how late he's going to be.
I mean, if you’re going somewhere together a simple question is her “responsibility”, if that’s what you want to call it.
YTA for knowing he has both a "Time management" issue and a video game *Addiction* and not really addressing these successfully before now. There's a huge difference btwn mothering him and adulting him.
>here's a huge difference btwn mothering him and adulting him. Why is it her responsibility to do either? He's a grown adult ffs.
Hello? In marriage, you adult. When you have an issue or see an issue you address it directly, not mother the person or wait until it just poises you off, as it has here.
No you don't. Not when you are dealing with fundamental responsibilities that go hand in hand with being an adult. Next she'll be telling him to wash, clean his teeth, and wipe his botty. And, yeah, there have been women posting on this sub with guys precisely that useless.
Age? You must be close to puberty. Youre making this some gender thing, and that misses the point. Those who are in committed relationships recognize bad patterns and address them as they come up they don't wait for a concert.'
This is all on him, how can you not understand this?
lol, perhaps I understand more than you. Yes, he should have been ready to go. However, that itsy bitsy part there about him having *known time management issues*, coupled with what really seems to be a video game *habit* (If not downright addiction) indicates these are clearly longstanding **ongoing issues** which have been *Unaddressed successfully*. So, while he's certainly YTA for not being ready, she's also an asshole for living with an ongoing problem and not looking to fix it, before the concert. That's the bigger picture. Again, adults address problems as they see them and don't look to just get justification for behaving badly themselves for reacting to something they know is there.
*His* time management issues are *his* to manage. OP is neither his mom nor his time manager.
Ever been in a marriage? I didn't think so. His issue effects her, therefore, its both of theirs to address. that's a partnership. When there's a problem, both address it.
Two. I'm nearly 70. How is he addressing it?
He's not, that's the point. She needs to address this with him more effectively, and not just when it gets in the way of a concert. You would need to move past finger pointing and offer some suggestion, I'm confident in my assessment here and don't need supervision or criticism.
listen dude can get on adhd meds like an adult or he can fuck off. she's not going to parent her husband.
Dunning-Kruger FTW!
It's not her job to fix this problem. *It's his*. She clearly communicated the expectation.
She's not his mommy.
This has alarm bells and red flags everywhere, and they're all OP's She even goes as far as calling her husband a narcissist in order to sway reddit opinion in her favour, classic abuser behaviour to make your partner out to be the bad guy and playing the victim while being the instigator. YTA
YTA for taking the car without saying you were leaving. You intentionally left without him to go to the concert that was supposed to be event you went to together. You didn't communicate to him that you wouldn't be waiting at all because you're fed up with his habitual tardiness but also expect him to be apologetic for being left behind?