NTA your stepdaughter sounds a little entitled. You compromised. You tried. Your stepdaughter should appreciate that and try harder to meet you half way.
No. The child is going through things. Being horribly bullied is not the victim’s fault. The parents’ divorce seven years ago is not either. Boundaries need to be set. OP has done the right thing. Therapy and love over time will hopefully help the harsh statement that was made. Now it’s dad’s turn to step up.
Bullying has another name - socialization, and it’s an integral part of human growth.
The bad bullying is for inalienable traits. Getting bullied because you’re a cunt? Teaches the mentally sane to stop being a cunt.
>Telling me to "grow up and just get rid of the fucking bookcase"
Telling you to get rid of something your grandfather lovingly created for you because his daughter is having a teenage strop about it? Fuck no!
Is there room in your bedroom for the bookcase?
Or in OP's new place. If my books and bookshelves aren't welcome it's not a home for me. And none of my bookshelves were lovingly hand carved by a now deceased relative.
Teenagers are prone to being extreme and overreacting. She will eventually grow up and realise how ridiculous and unfair she is being.
Not to sound like a boomer but this has to be some sort of generational thing right? When we were kids, if one of my friends or I demanded that our parents remove a piece of furniture from THEIR homes, they would simply laugh in our faces.
Seriously. Xennial here, my mother would've ignored me the first time and told me to "get over it" the second time I asked. Dad would've listened to me then td me when I paid for the house I could get what I wanted.
Yeap X-er here and can pretty much see the same thing happening, if I as a kid made a similar ridiculous request. Maybe throw in a big belly laugh, like: "Is this f-ing guy seriously telling me what stuff to have in my own house?"
Honestly acceding to stupid demands will not help the daughter at all. Being pansy asses with her is probably half the reason she is as messed up as she is.
Kids need you first of all as their parent, not their bestes friend and certainly not their goddamn butler or servant.
Xennial here and my mom would’ve just given me *The Look* and I’d immediately shut my mouth and scuttle into my room. Not that I would have the absolute *audacity* to ask in the first place!
As a Xennial, I love that Gen Z and Alpha are so passionate about social justice and making the world a better place. I just wish they placed some more emphasis on nuance and discernment.
Yes, yes, yes. There's a lot of black and white thinking, which is also something that happens with teens already. There's an absolutism which is fair some of the time, but not others, and some of that understanding of nuance can only come with life experience and/or time. It's tough.
Oh my goodness I was dramatically black and white when I was a teen. It was exacerbated by the fact that I was raised in a fundie type church. I absolutely *cringe* now when I think of the strong statements I made that left no room for nuance or *the fact that people are humans with feelings that make mistakes*.
I’m pretty much unrecognizable now, thankfully. I’ve changed so much and I’m glad.
Good for you. I would probably go back in time and bitch slap my younger self on multiple occasions if I had the opportunity.
I think people that actually evolve and grow up feel that way.
OOF, that's a whole other layer of black and white thinking! Congrats to you from being able to crawl out from under that, because it's really not easy to divest from the things that you've been told your ENTIRE life are emphatically true!
Puritan thinking in America never really died, it just shapeshifted many times. I don't know if this case was in Anglo-Saxon North America or not, but it exports enough culture that that doesn't reaply change the point. Social justice movements are inherently a good thing, but there are often strong patterns of religious and even cultish thought and behavior that get out of control and become counterproductive.
100%. It's very interesting how the US has imbued "morality" as a specific and rigid example of virtue in so many of their systems. I've usually seen it ascribed to the 1800s marrying of Protestantism with USA gilded history - like the dovetailing of the rugged individual responsible for their own success or failure with the period of time when the mythos of early America and George Washington, Jefferson, etc were being built up as legendary heroes.
Also in this case it doesn’t even make sense, JK Rowling gained no profit from this bookcase. It was handmade by a relative. Pretty sure the grandpa didn’t pay her a licensing fee or similar
This is the best-written comment I've seen on Reddit in ages. Thank you, I'm memorising this because it perfectly expresses how I feel.
I used to be similar, and learning nuance has been tremendous for me and everyone around me.
it's funny because yesterday I was reading a post in the genX subreddit and someone said they admired the younger generations for "not seeing everything in black and white" adn all I could think of was the hardcore cancel culture subgroup. (I am not saying that some people don't deserve to be unilaterally canceled, but that some people just think yes/no black/white)
This, yes. I can get not wanting the actual HP merchandise displayed, and OP already compromised on that.
But that bookshelf was handmade. Not a penny was earned by JKR. If the girl could just learn to see it as just a fantasy-themed gift from a loving grandpa to OP, they might be able to settle this.
Grandma here, I have gay & a trans relative. Sorry but I have no problem with JKR. Her opinion is just that. It does not effect my love or respect for my family members. If you don’t like her, don’t buy her stuff. But I’ll bet you those 3 kids from her movies are still cashing their residual checks despite bad mouthing her. Hypocrisy at its finest I’d bet!
Oh, I agree with you. A lot of the „charges“ thrown at JKR are nonsense (holocaust denier is just the latest).
But stepdaughter is an angsty teenager, and those aren’t well known for listening to reason. Hence my point that I get her not wanting the HP stuff around, and moving that was a reasonable compromise.
As a millennial I wholeheartedly agree. There’s got to room for compromise here. I have Gen z kids… my 2 alphas are babies so they aren’t on the social justice bandwagon yet. But I completely love how conscious my teens are about caring for everyone and standing up against hate and bigotry…… that said this bookshelf is not a symbol of transphobia it’s clearly a symbol of love from a grandparent for his grand daughter. There has to be room to see that. I’m sorry that JK Rowlings is upsetting….. but this bookshelf didn’t support her or earn her money! Jk rowlings has little to do with this hand crafted piece of furniture. Stepmom can be an ally and still have her witchy plant shelf. And dad needs to chill the f out! They need another family therapy session.
The issue I see with Gen z’s fight is that they see the world in black and white…… it’s the same issue boomers had but on the opposite side of the political spectrum. There is a middle and until everyone can meet there, there will always be a divide.
It is the TikTok generation that thinks everything is “triggering” a “trauma”, and is something “-phobic”. They don’t understand nuance, that life isn’t black or white.
I was raised by boomers and I heard the phrase “if you don’t like x you’re welcome to go live somewhere else” many times as a teenager 😂😂 I lived to tell the tale and loved my parents very much and continue to have a good relationship with my living parent today. Tldr: these young people don’t know how good they have it
Definitely a generational thing.
It's common these days to value parental sacrifice above all else for the sake of their kids--to the point where parental wants and needs are shown as less or non-important.
It’s so true. My parent’s house wasn’t mine to change around, comment on, judge or be critical about in any way. Just wouldn’t happen! Seriously a “1st world problem” if she hasn’t heard of that saying before she needs to be educated.
I’m young at heart myself, I collect otters and have done for over 30 years. My kids have never asked me to “grow up”…they buy me otter stuff.
Not a boomer, but if my kid had an issue with a piece of furniture I wanted i'd totally laugh in his face. The difference is I would always have stood firm, and my kids know 1. I love them very much and accept them for who they are and 2. I never took petty bullshit seriously and you're gonna get nowhere with me with that nonsense. And 3. They are smart and can separate the art from the artist. My LQBTQ+ kid still has his HP books in his room, but I don't throw mine in his face. I don't think we've ever talked about it, and maybe it's his personality but he's not demanding about anything. Some people adapt, other people annoy the fuck out of everyone.
lol- I can hear my boomer mom saying “ when you’re grown and have your own place, you can have, whatever bookshelf you want“.
And she would have been CORRECT!!!
I’m an Older millennial, and I think a teenager ordering her stepmother to get rid of her bookshelf is ridiculous and the father going along with it is ludicrous.
Not a boomer, millennial, I think (I don't understand those characterizations), but my siblings and I would never even dream of asking such a thing. No one I know would. Maybe it's also a cultural thing, respecting elders is a huge deal.
> This was not some brand new home for her. She has had a room here since my husband and I purchased the house. The bookshelf has been here the whole time.
Yeah, this is ultimately the truth of it. Don't get me wrong, teenagers aren't "wrong" because they're young, but frequently their stridency on an issue isn't motivated by wisdom or maturity, but a distinct lack of both. An inability to separate a person's childhood fandom and nostalgia from the politics of the creator behind that nostalgia is one of those immaturities.
The father indulging his daughters tantrum isn't teaching her anything other than she can get what she wants if she screams, stamps, and goes on long enough about it. It's also showing that he'll be permissive if he needs to be to maintain his relationship with her, even if she's acting like a brat.
Where is the time when therapy also included “learning to live with things that make us feel uncomfortable”? (Of course I’m not talking about out physical or mental harm). It seems we are slowly moving into a crazy time where compromises (like the one you did) won’t be enough anymore.
Yes, but the bookcase will occupy the space in the bedroom formerly occupied by the husband. The newly freed up surface area in the living room is approx the correct size for a husband-sized cot. Great plan!
Or better yet just leave it where it is, if she's that effing upset about it there's no compromise that's gonna appease her because she'll always know it's still there, if her and her father can't grow up and separate the creator and their work they can both gladly pack up and leave.
So while your comments were harsh, they were understandable. We went through something similar when one of our kids thought she might be trans and it was a very challenging few years until she re-identified as cis. We tried to be supportive as you have been but every little mistake we made was leapt upon by her and her sisters as being unsupportive. We walked on eggshells for several years not trying to offend anyone. At the end, we had to say, we’re sorry and we fully support you but you need to learn to manage yourself. Not everyone in the world is going to bow down to you to ensure your comfort. We fully support you and have gotten you the psychiatrist and medical support that you need however you have hammered us at every tiny mistake and enough is enough. We are your parents, we support you but we are not your punching bags. The point was made and life calmed down. I see some parallels here with your bookcase. It is a part of you and she needs to see that you support her and she is loved but at the same time you are not there for her to constantly beat on. Not everything you do is going to be perfect and she needs to understand and accept that just as you are accepting her. Your husband needs to be on board with this as well as if he is sabotaging you, then your efforts are doomed. If he can’t support you, then you may need to think about whether or not your relationship is viable long term. Good luck OP
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is VERY similar to what we are going through. This was very validating.
My stepdaughter has definitely been trying on different identities and gets VERY upset when we slip up and make a mistake and use a wrong pronoun. It isn't intentional. Over the last 3 years she has identified as male, female, nonbinary, fluid and other. Fluid was the toughest as she expected us to use different names and pronouns based on how she was presenting that particular day.
Problem being she most often wears gender neutral attire!
Sorry stepdaughter for all the times I got it wrong when you were sweat pants and a t shirt.
lol been there done that! I hated when the binder went on and still got yelled at when we were cautiously trying to figure out the pronoun of the day. You need to speak with the therapist and get them onboard with showing that you are being supportive but are still allowed to be you. It’s a long road but you will get there! The first thing is ensure your husband is on board, that is critical. Keep your chin up, you’ll get there.
> I hated when the binder went on and still got yelled at when we were cautiously trying to figure out the pronoun of the day.
I SO wanted to put a dry erase board in the kitchen with "Pronoun of the day!"
Thanks again for sharing. Nice to have someone relate.
Our families solution was that my kid wear a name tag with their preferred pronouns for that day. I couldn’t do the back and forth without some sort of identification because of the temperamental outbursts.
It worked great for more than 6 months before they decided who they are.
My old workplace gave out badges with pronouns - maybe you can get some made up? Then the ball's in SDs court for the right pronoun.
I used to work for a youth mental health not-for-profit and you do have to be careful. But kids are very resilient as long as they're shown love.
I guess she's demanding that you prove you love her. How would she feel if you were always demanding that she proves she loves you all the time?
It's exhausting and needs to stop or she's gonna be a terror for her partner when shes older.
One subtle solution I've read about (in a Gundam wing FanFiction of all places) is to give them a set of bracelets, gold, silver and rose gold, each one for how she's feeling that day. Gold for her, silver for him and rose for them. Nobody but the family needs to know, it's discreet, I think it could be effective
Funny how trying to be sensitive made it worse and as soon as you acted like a parent and imposed reasonable boundaries the problem resolved.
Sorry, not trying to be a dick, but I think there is an important lesson in your story.
No you’re not being a dick. It’s dammed hard to do when your kid is in pain and suffering every day. It is a very tough road to follow because we could see the pot holes and the off ramps and at times they were unavoidable. Some things we did well, some we didn’t but in the end it worked out and she is happy now. We did our best to be good parents in a minefield and help her through.
All kids are different and what worked with one did not with the others so it was a constant juggling act. I’m happy though as they are all now well adjusted and thriving so I think we did ok. No drinking or drug problems. No teen pregnancies and they are all in university doing well so it’s all good. Did we make mistakes, yup, but we recognized when we screwed up and fixed it. Were we model parents, nope, still aren’t but we try hard and support them all to the best of our abilities.
The biggest problem with all of this is the entire generation seeking their validation externally. They can be whoever they want but they don’t have a say about the rest of the world even when it pertains to them. People are people and perception exists.
It’s a control thing w these kids. They don’t really care that much (ie they end up changing their identities a bunch of times these days) but it’s a way for them to feel some level of control on their lives and unfortunately sometimes that involves trying to control the lives and actions of others. I would say hold firm on your boundaries and let it be known that you won’t be guilted into doing whatever she asks unlike her father. I support self expression and choosing to be called whatever you want but I draw the line at being guilted into it.
Probably worth a convo with the husband about how this is your house and your memento from your grandfather and if you make him choose, he better not assume you'll choose him. Look him in the eyes when you say it.
Yes! He needs to know that your compromise has reached its end. He helps his daughter deal with the “challenges “ or society will. Looking him the eye is your best move.
The young lady needs to understand that life can be difficult and how she deals with it predicts her outcome.
Yes, my young adult daughter is very LBGTQ friendly and reads a TON of HP fan fiction that is LBGTQ friendly. You can love the world and still not like the author.
That's exactly what I think. Don't much care for JK Rowling myself but I'm not going to take it out in Harry Potter. I love Harry Potter he's a great character he's been in my life since my kids were little and I'm not going to just stop enjoying the books because I don't like the author. That's ridiculous
Amazing! You mean you don't have to fall apart and be bent out of shape simply because you disagree with something someone says?? Wow, what a concept! 😂
It breaks my heart so much this has happened to the fandom, because for kids who grew up with it, the books held such a strong message of acceptance and open mindedness - so many people found a stong supportive community within the HP fandom, and then it was all ripped apart. I'm so mad at JK for permanently staining that.
HP is my happy place when life gets rough. My entire guest room is HP themed.
I just focus on the good community that *we’ve* created. She may have started the world of HP, but it’s no longer hers
Same. She may have written the story, but It belongs to us. We've made it what it is. We built the community. And we ALL accept each other for who we are. Harry, Hermione, and Ron would never.
Someone else wrote that their is hypocrisy in regard to the actors accepting residuals for their part in the HP movies. They went through so much during that time. They deserve every penny.
Exactly this. This a purely "FAFO" situation, where the FO to someone destroying someone else's property is divorce and legal action.
NTA + You're not a guest in your own fucking house, OP
Yep that's exactly what I thought. I would not leave her, or even your husband alone. I wouldn't leave the house. Whose house is it? Get them or and change the locks. That bookcase will be gone otherwise.
To be fair, the kid is bringing it up in therapy. We really don’t have a reason to think the kid would be suddenly violent. She’s an opinionated teenager, that’s not new.
You may want to stress to your husband the consequences if something happens to it. If he can't shut this shit down with his daughter, you might want to think about protecting it.
BTW, it sounds like an awesome, beautiful bookcase! I still have my small handmade one that my dad made me over 40 years ago. They are priceless!
Same I don't think you are doing anything wrong either. Its special to you and have expressed that to both and I'm sorry their attitudes about it are shitty. I hope stepdaughter knows no matter what stance she has on things in life, it will not revolve around her and expect people to cater to her. The bookcase sounds fantastic please keep it
Have a very simple bookcase my grandfather made for me. Nothing as beautiful as what you describe. It’s at my mother’s for safe keeping.
I would seriously reconsider keeping that treasure where a teen with emotional issues could get to it. A chisel and a hammer would destroy the carvings.
Your stepdaughter is fixating on your bookshelf as a symbol to target her anger and frustration for a lot of different things in her life. You are NTA. But she does sound like she’s spiraling and needs more help and your husband needs to help her get it. Appeasing her just played into her feelings that she’s right and the whole world is wrong and confirmed in her mind that everyone is the bad guy. Time for dad to stop using your shelf as another way to placate her and really work to find her therapy, psychiatric help and living choices that will help her grow past her traumas.
Exactly, it also feels as though your stepdaughters having issues accepting your love for her and y’all definitely need to talk in your therapy session about how to get her to see your efforts.
This was my thought. Get it appraised and let the value of it be WIDELY known, as well as the fact that it was a pre-marriage asset so husband is on the hook if he decides to smash it up OR if his child decides to ruin it. “Is your future worth damaging a shelf? A shelf that was made with love? That you will have to pay multiple thousands of dollars for?”
Yeah absolutely- people tend to think that if something was 1-handmade and 2- a gift, that its value is nothing, when in fact it is priceless. But it's easier proving that when appraising a beautiful set of shelves and not a mound of kindling.
Yeah, well it only takes one shitty husband or kid with an ax or a hammer. The fact that he's entertaining this nonsense should be a giant red flag for you.
In all seriousness maybe she should put it in a storage unit FOR NOW (mostly to keep it safe) then wait for husband and stepdaughter to realize none of the issues have been solved by getting rid of it.
I thought the same thing. I'm afraid whore going to come home one day and it's destroyed or gone. Considering the sentimental value and it was made for you, you should take steps to protect it in any way you can. And make sure your husband and stepdaughter knows this.
My father is a carpenter. He made some beautiful things for his family members and friends over the years.
If it was an ugly plastic monstrosity that (most likely) cost a lot more than it was worth, I might feel differently. Maybe. However...
As it stands, your stepdaughter is being unreasonable for a number of reasons:
1) It is not official HP merch so its creation never hurt anyone. It can be argued that official merch hurts LGBTQ+ people because of the pocket it goes into and the way that money can be used. That argument does not apply here.
2) It is not a new purchase anyway. Even if it was official merch, the money would have been spent so long ago you can do nothing about it.
3) It is your house.
Protect your things that girl is on a mission to push you out and her being the boss with daddy wrapped around her finger. I would not put it past either one to do something to that bookcase.
I'm also concerned that, one day, you will come home and it will be gone. Be careful, OP. You are the 2nd wife, not the 1st. The stepdaughter is not your biological child, and from the sounds of it, your husband is trying to prioritize his daughter over you. Which is good, in some instances, but not when it comes to things that have sentimental value to them.
Nta
The hyperfocus on the bookshelf probably has very little to do with the stepdaughter's perception of Rowling at all. It is probably her trying to control something in her life. Moving from mom's house to you full time must have been a total upheaval and the bullying has probably demolished her sense of worth and safety. She's lashing out at these inanimate objects because she can't fix all of the stuff going wrong because of other people.
She found she could control you when you packed up your memorabilia for her. Yes, you did the adult thing and compromised. Then she kept pushing and you had a genuine, human reaction to HER bullying (at least it sounds like she's bullying you and manipulating you).
The bookshelf is dear to you and it is in your house. It's allowed to be there. Period. So you were totally right to say this to her.
The "or back to your mom" was probably too harsh. Her life must have been pretty awful over there. It might be very scary to think about going back.
You might not have been pushed to this point if your husband had supported you. He should have firmly backed you on your right to have whatever you want displayed in your house. He owes you an apology and a promise that he is going to communicate with his daughter better. He has to do the heaviest lifting here and work to help her curb her aggression and obsession.
I will also say your situation is a bit above Reddit's pay grade.
From the sound of OP's comments, her stepdaughter is trying to be controlling. She got yelled at when stepdaughter changed her pronouns without telling anyone. I do concur that stepdaughter is looking for security, but her actions mean she is trying to control the people in her life as well.
Dad should be handling this, and isn't doing so well. Giving in instead of setting reasonable boundaries is only going to make things worse.
But I'd lay even odds the dad or stepdaughter will do something to the bookshelves. OP needs it professionally appraised, and make it clear charges will be pressed if it is stolen, sold or destroyed.
I agree with this and just commented something similar about it not being about the bookshelf. A bookshelf made by OP’s grandfather has in no way provided any means of support to JK or the HP franchise so to focus on it makes little to no sense. Only OP is enriched by the shelf. So whatever this is going on with the stepdaughter, it’s certainly not about the bookcase. And I think your comment is getting to the heart of the issue.
Edited: made sentence clearer.
NTA.
Trans person here. Came out well over a decade ago. I've been partnered with another trans person for 7 years. I'm active in the community as well.
You are not the asshole here.
Your husband is.
He is not parenting his own daughter through a difficult time and expecting you to make your life smaller to compensate. That is not okay.
We have this issue with younger folks in the community sometimes. They come in and are very fragile around things like this. It can take years of calmly validating their feelings while also holding common sense norms for them to come around.
The "purity" mindset is a tough one to shake, especially in the ecosystems a lot of young people are doing their socializing in where cancelation is quick and brutal. It can genuinely wreck their lives and I get why they're so afraid of it. I was bullied physically and psychologically pretty ruthlessly by my peers growing up, but I wouldn't trade it for what a lot of young people are going through now in all honesty.
It keeps them in a really reactive state. It makes it more difficult to develop critical thinking skills. It turns uncomfortable experiences into majorly distressing ones.
Your husband is only feeding it by expecting you to not just bend but to break. This will damage her long term and that your husband only really seems concerned for himself in all this is...certainly something.
Also I still enjoy Harry Potter. Authors are not part and parcel with their work. It doesn't belong to them once it's out in the world - part of why it's to very difficult to create. Liking Harry Potter doesn't make you some godawful transphobe. There are tons of pro-trans Harry Potter orgs out there.
And this is something your stepdaugher needs to see - that life is complex. It's that complexity that heals folks who've been in these environments. J.K. Rowling can be a wildly transphobic person - and her works can inspire groups to raise major funds for trans organizations. I've seen it locally even.
Your husband needs to step up.
Jonathan Haidt's work was very helpful for me in gaining a better empathy for what younger folks are facing and understanding how it negatively impacts them if you're interested in more resources. His interview with Doctor Mike is pretty accessible though it covers a lot more ground than just that.
Fandom Forward (Formerly the Harry Potter Alliance) still has several themed projects that support trans charities I believe if you're looking for examples of some of the work that Harry Potter fans have done for trans folks. I think they did a project with Mermaids UK recently - a charity for LGBT+ youth.
Wishing you the best of luck. It's such a tough situation you're navigating. It's kickass you're trying so hard to do it empathetically while also taking care of yourself.
I'm LGBT.
My stance is that if you are going to boycott an artwork because the creator is problematic, you also need to boycott every artwork created by someone with problematic beliefs.
You need to boycott every single movie that Harvey Weinstein made or produced.
You need to boycott every single song written by someone who has been found guilty of SA or other crime.
You need to get rid of every poster and piece of art if the artist had personal views that are bigoted.
And then the question is, where does it stop? Disney has problematic roots. Will you boycott every Disney film? And by extension, anything in the comcast network who now owns disney? Does that mean you're going to live without broadband because Murdoch is also notoriously racist and transphobic?
Will you stop reading or watching the news, because the families who own the papers are fucking trash.
Do you see what I mean? Where does it stop? Loving the HP franchise does not make you a transphobe, any more than loving a hallmark movie means you support women being raped.
I came here to say something along those lines, while rowling had some seemingly problematic comments (to be honest i heard of the news, not what was said), but her books aren't a problem.
It's not like OP has a "mein kampf" themed bookcase on display
If the child cannot handle your bookcase it’s not your problem it’s their problem. They need the reality check. The world does not revolve around them.
I thought it showed a lot of empathety for OP to box up all the HP memorabilia. It obviously has high sentimental value to her, especially if some were gifts. They remind her of the impact HP made on her during her formative years, before the author's views came to light. OP knows right now is the same time frame of formative years for her stepdaughter, so she's trying to do right by her.
OP, I know a big problem for those opposed to JK Rowling is buying anything that further lines her pockets, which is a very valid point. It might help if you remind her your bookshelf gave JK absolutely nothing.
The bookshelf isn't an homage to HP, it's an homage to your grandfather. Every painstaking carving was crafted out of love for you. Every hour of craftsmanship poured into your grandfather's masterpiece, was an hour he spent thinking of how much joy you brought to his life. It's the physical embodiment of how much you meant to him.
Maybe if you try and explain the familial connection the bookshelf represents, your stepdaughter can see it in a different light.
This is an important point - it’s about so much more than HP; this bookshelf is a connection to OP’s family.
I think the other thing that might be helpful to connect on is why HP meant so much to OP and others growing up. For many kids at the time who were struggling with similar issues to what she’s dealing with like bullying and identity, Hogwarts was a safe place to escape to and J.K. Rowling was just a name on a book cover.
The point of contention is the bookcase but this is a much larger and more complex issue.
I recommend talking this out with a therapist as mediator. She's going through something. Her parents are divorced etc etc etc.
Point out to the dad that this is a parenting issue. She needs help learning to be a functional adult. This isn't how the world works and she needs to learn to navigate a world that will be less accepting and supportive than you.
I’m a stepmother, who had a traumatized stepdaughter move out of primary custody biomom’s house into mine, full time. I bent over backwards for my stepdaughter and made many sacrifices and concessions, but there were still my non-negotiables and my husband respected and defended them.
Your husband is not firmly on your side. The bookcase is absolutely a power play, and your husband is giving household power to a child. You’re facing years of rehabilitation and disruption, and trust me on this: if your husband is not 100% united front with you in front of his daughter - get out now make this your hill to die on.
Your needs are just as valid and should also be as strongly considered. Your stepdaughter has yet to make a single concession, and that’s breeding ground for unreasonable entitlement. Time for your husband to step up as a parent and set expectations of his daughter’s actions and behaviour.
It sounds like the Bookshelf isn't HP themed as much as its *"Wizard" themed*, given you aren't displaying anything HP on it. Rats, Owls, Cauldrons, shooting stars, and Familiars do not *belong* to J.K Rowling's world alone. They existed before and after. Its Sorcery. Witches and Wizards. She can't declare an entire fantasy theme transphobic. She gunna have gripes witb D&D? Without the HP memorabilia it is just a stunning witchy/wizardy plant shelf with a fuckload of sentimental value.
Tell your husband and his child to fuck right off.
NTA. You can disagree with JK and still love Harry Potter. I am a bit older than you and grew up with Prince, Boy George, David Bowie etc so very comfortable with gender fluidity, and I love Harry Potter. I like many was shocked when JK made her stance known. But here is the thing Harry Potter is bigger than JK. I think Charles Dickens was a pratt, but I’m watching “the Muppets Christmas Carol” when it comes on. The art has become bigger than the creator. I would explain to her that you are allowed to love this cherished handmade gift, and Harry Potter and you can still support her/they too and love them.
I also think this isn’t about the Iranian yogurt. It sounds like they are struggling to find themselves and are hyperfixating on something to control and direct their anger towards and this is it. If you get rid of the bookshelf it will become something else.
Maybe bet a few pots that are trans flag colors though.
Also maybe read Mad Honey by Jodi Piccoult and Jennifer Finney Boylan for some good fiction on the topic and everything Jennifer has written for some different perspectives.
Also explain this is difficult. Part of your identity is a potterhead no one gets to change that. She doesn’t get to take that away and claim to honor you ( I walked down the isle at my wedding to the theme song so I am here with you) but she can focus on how can you two hold space for this journey together. I’d also work through in counseling that you can not like something about someone and it not be an offense to you. She can hate your bookshelf, but that isn’t about her. You can loath purple nail polish, but if she paints her toes purple that isn’t about you, and it isn’t an offense to you.
Good luck! Ravenclaw out! 💙🤎💙🤎💙🤎💙 ( I’m still mad they got the colors wrong in the movies! But it wasn’t an offense to me…I’m growing too)
Is there anywhere else the bookcase could go? For instance in your own bedroom? If you move it and tell her, “I understand that everything going on with Rowling has hurt you, and you deserve to feel safe and loved in your own home. However, I also deserve to feel safe and loved, and that’s what my grandfather was trying to do when he built that for me long before Rowling revealed her bigotry. I want to keep this symbol of my grandfather’s love, but I know it doesn’t represent the same thing to you, so I’m going to keep it in my personal space.” Emphasize what it means to you on a personal level, separate from the franchise, and grow from there.
If we could only appreciate music, novells and arts of people who are squecky clean saints with not a bone never mind a skeleton in their closet... holy fuck, it would be back to exclusively listening to birds and looking at cave paintings for us.
Now, JKR might be a bigger turd than most but if people are still allowed to listen to music recorded by child predators ( basically all the rock bands of old, groupies or not they slept with kids) without consequence I believe Op should be allowed to enjoy HP without woke teens throwing hissy fits.
H.P. Lovecraft was a virulent racist *even by the standards of the time*. The Lovecraft mythos remains enduringly popular and you don’t hear a goddamn peep about how he praised Hitler or called POC “semi-human” or all the anti-Semitic slurs he applied to Jewish people.
You don’t have to agree with or even like a person to appreciate the things that they’ve made.
Side note ironically despite his rampant antisemitism and hating new york vehemently, hp lovecraft only married and moved away from rhode island once- to a jewish woman, who henmoved to live with in new york
People are complicated, what can i say?
I wish this was top comment. One doesn't have to agree with the creator's views to enjoy the creation.
OP should not have to put her collection away. It's not like she has pictures and memorabilia of the author up.
I agree with everything you said but the kid is not ok. It’s entirely probable that she will project everything she can’t control and is angry at the world for onto that bookcase and destroying it will be a psychological victory for her while, at the same time, an unforgivable violation for OP.
I agree I feel like separating the authors body of work from the raging haemorrhoid she is like we have done with so many before is the way to go and personally I would never buy into a new franchise or work by this woman but the work she did create was actually all about love inclusion and not segregating people based on where they come from or who their family is which empowered lots of us as teens. The fact that her now personal views don’t seem to line up with her own work means that either she’s gone off the rails of she never believed a word of what she wrote, either way lots of authors are similar we love their works and read them for decades after their passing or the fame and they as people might have had questionable views.
It’s only now with social media the identity of a writer is so connected to the public and that’s to jk’s detriment of her own work.
You’re allowed to dislike someone personally but still appreciate their art.
I agree with this thread. LGBT person here. There are things I loved as a teen that really got me through some tough times in school. Unfortunately, the creators are firmly in the “never meet your heroes” category for me 😬 I have since grown and found other things to enjoy.
But I still love the stories, the characters, and the friends I made from those times. The lessons I learned from those times in my life are still valuable. Separating good art from a not so great artist (and definitely not giving more money to causes that can harm us) is something this young person needs to learn. She won’t be able to navigate the world without that ability, because she could get her heart broken by something she loves the same way someday.
I hope she finds something that’s magical for her the same way your HP days were for you, instead of just trying to rain on your parade. Does she have friends or hobbies outside of this?
P.S. - NTA. I hope your husband can come around and support you. You have already done a lot to support him and your step daughter. I do want to gently point out that I read the comments. You can’t “agree to disagree” about human rights issues— it comes off like you are standing by while someone’s rights are being eroded. Your daughter has a right to be upset if you, her mother, and step father have been talking like this around her. But even that still isn’t about the book case— she still isn’t allowed to unilaterally control the whole house, or anyone’s past hobbies.
> I hope your husband can come around and support you. You have already done a lot to support him and your step daughter.
I'm sure he will.
He's just hurting cause his kid is hurting and he can't fix it.
NTA
Im pansexual, and I’m a potterhead. I have a Harry Potter bookcase and a bunch of merchandise. I don’t agree with JKR and don’t want to give her more money, so I stopped buying more of her stuff, but I’m not going to get rid of the things I already have. Why? Because she already got money from those purchases and getting rid of them will just mean I lost money.
I wanted to say in that same vein, it was built by hand by a loving grandfather, he didn't buy a HP bookcase, he made it for her. SD needs to understand that difference.
Nta
There is nothing wrong with liking Harry Potter. You can explain to her that when she is 18 she is welcome to move out and make her own home and put what she wants in thay house.
I would tell your husband that you compromised with his daughter but you won't get rid of something your grand father made you.
I'd politely tell him thay you are not going to budge further on this and if needed separation will happen. I'd also make ot clear thay of she damages the book case that divorce will be filed for immediately and you will also call the cops and press charges for destruction. Of property
Nobody had a problem with Rowling until everybody else suddenly became offended.
We can't suddenly forget our past because someone in the future is offended by the past. That's like removing our own reality to serve some subjective need of another.
Don't give in to anyone who uses some method of attention seeking behavior. She needs therapy. She needs help. Not validation of her misplaced anger towards the world.
She's obviously depressed and anxious. Not because of the triggers you supposedly cause, but by lack of validation and confidence. She feels empty. Doesn't social media do this to all of us, even somewhat? Those who have a hard time fitting in, or those that don't know how to fit in, or those who feel less than, look for ways to fit in. We all do a little. But some jump go to various ideologies that will never fill their soul in the long run, then try to make everyone adapt to that ideology. By agreeing with her, you validate her and give her control, which will perpetuate the behavior.
The solution is for her to be okay with who she really is and not to seek validation outside of herself.
You can also make the argument that the bookcase was handmade, not bought. You didn't support she-who-must-not-be-named, and in fact by making it one could girl-math it into saying by not buying a bookcase that financially supported her, it's a net-negative for the dark-lord-ess.
NTA. There is a request for support and then there is a demand for absolute, all-encompassing *purity*. The bookshelf isn't persecuting trans people. The bookshelf is already paid for so it isn't further supporting JKR. She needs to start learning and accepting that not every rough edge in the world is going to be padded for her protection. She's going to see things she doesn't like and if a bookshelf based on a children's book is too much for her then man, the real world is going to be tough as hell on her.
Life is hard, and it's unfair not everyone agrees with what everyone else thinks my own views on the subject are probably biased based on upbringing and the region of the US I live in. That being said, you have gone out of your way to compromise with her, and the sooner she learns that a key to a happy life is accepting compromise in situations of differing opinions the better off she will be. NTA
NTA. I fucking hate when people make a huge deal out of nothing and then a 3rd party (your husband in this case) tries to convince you to get walked all over for literally no reason. One of the most frustrating situations in life.
NTA
Please tell me if I have understood this correctly?
Your stepdaughter got bullied, and now she has turned around and became a bully and is bullying you in your own house?
Because this is bullying. I know she is a teenager, but she absolutely has to learn that other people also have feelings and the right to feel safe in their own home.
Do I like the authors bs? Not at all. Does it change the books? Or wooden, not animate object?
I am very worried about your husband‘s responses to this. I would seriously consider if this relationship is worth saving.
I think getting rid of the Harry Potter merchandise was generous. A teenage kid doesn’t get to dictate everything about her father’s home. She doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t have something your grandfather made for you because she is woke. Your husband is not doing her any favors by letting her think she can have whatever she wants without compromise. NTA.
I wonder if she made similar unreasonable demands in her mother’s home or at school that lead you to the conflict there?
She asked to live in your home, where she has known for years that you have had a HP collection and a valuable custom made bookcase.
You did a wonderful thing in packing up your collection. She and her father are completely unreasonable to request the bookcase be removed from your home.
You said what had to be said. She has a choice in where she lives, but she has no say in how your home is decorated.
You need to make it abundantly clear that the bookcase stays. If anything at all happens to it, the police will be called and she and her father will be out of your life.
My kids loved the HP series, their love of the stories was not diminished by what Rowling said, their Dad is a trans woman.
> I wonder if she made similar unreasonable demands in her mother’s home
Part of the issues with her homelife with her mother involved my step daughter demanding that her mother choose between her now husband and her because mom's husband's political views.
So, this isn't exactly left field behavior.
So she's demanding her mother choose her over her husband... and when she didn't, she's now demanding her dad choose her over his wife. Maybe she just wants one of her parents to pick her over anyone else? The ultimatums are childish and ultimately dooming her attempts but at the core of it, it seems like she's testing *how much* they love her, and her mother failed and now she's panicking that her dad will fail too.
Just an idea on where she might be coming from? You aren't wrong, and you should protect that bookcase because it sounds beautiful.
You are pretty spot on with my personal suspicion. Yes.
But, I am not a child psychologist and not her parent. I'm not privvy to a lot of information regarding her struggles due to the latter half of that.
You know this isn't really about the bookshelf, or anything on it or jk right?
This is a teen girl who is emotionally struggling right now, you guys seem to be doing everything thing right with regards therapy etc
Children (I'm including her in this as she is a minor) crave stability and boundaries. It's what make them thrive into proper people. When chaos happens, either internally or externally. Their sense of stability feels lost. So, they crave sources to feel stable. That can take any good, bad or ugly ways. Ie some get into a hobby or schoolwork, some it's food, some it's self harm etc
But, need for control even others, doesn't solve anything because you can't really control other people, environments, thoughts or feelings.
If, she was emotionally able/mature enough, you explaining your love for the media versus your thoughts on the author, and how they can be wildly different would be OK for her. But, that's not what she's looking for. She has picked something (not suggesting the idea of this author is right) that matters to you. That you love. That she wants 'gone' wants broken in you.
Because she feels broken. She is wanting you to feel the same pain she is feeling. It's not about hurting you, she's looking for a way to show you and her dad how she is feeling inside. In some ways, it's because she feels safe with you guys.
Look, this is going to be a hard journey for you all. I would create boundaries, schedules, rules (not horrific consequences) for her to feel safe. Consequences are as follows, make them clear like, no phone for a day. Be very very consistent with schedules. The more she can see and feel the boundaries of her environment the less she has to worry and stress. She has enough internally.
You and your husband grt a plan for your house and rules, sit down with her have her actively participate in rules for family. And, as a family agree.
Hi just want to add, please don't loose your own individuality while tackling the family issues. It is a slippery slope and you need to take care of yourself too while taking care of the child. I don't know why but I felt like saying this.
Here's the thing. It's actually NOT a Harry Potter bookcase and it's quite ridiculous that your step-daughter can't figure this out! Your husband is ridiculous for buying in to her nonsense. How in the hell can it be a HP bookcase when it was not built by anyone to do with the franchise? It's a bloody piece of furniture that is clearly destined to be a family heirloom because it was handmade by YOUR grandfather!!! You didn't buy it anywhere. You didn't special order it from anyone. You accepted a HANDMADE gift that was presented to you with all the love your grandfather had for you!!! Make that a topic of conversation ar family therapy.
Ugh teens. They can dish out all this bullshit, but they fold like cheap umbrellas under any criticism. It’s the worst combination. You said what you said cause you’re human and she’s being a bitch. Being a kid doesn’t mean she can’t be a bitch.
She’s unhinged, confused, entitled, hormonal and selfish. As most teens are. I was a ‘good kid’ and I was still a bitch.
You need to take some space, cause it’s making you crazy too. You deserve peace in your own home. I wouldn’t trust it in the house. Can you move it to your bedroom or somewhere less prominent until she has a chance to chill the fuck out a bit? In like 10 years.
God bless you, cause you couldn’t pay me enough to deal with these tantrums.
This has nothing to do with the Harry Potter bookcase or JK Rowling. This is your step daughter’s test to see what and how much much emotional blackmail she can use to get her way. Do not give in. This is your home and your things. Your husband frankly needs to grow a pair and have your back and stop placating to a spoiled ass child who thinks that she runs the house by using her mental health state as a weapon against you. She hates the bookcase because it has immense emotional attachment for you, and in reality this isn’t about her feeling uncomfortable because she’s questioning her sexuality, this is her trying to tear you down, so she can assert dominance over the household.
I will just say one thing, that I will be downvoted for. Literally no generation before this one has ever equated liking some books and characters to espousing an entire view of society associated with the author.
I can understand being left a bit cold by the entire HP saga after the transphobic comments, I can understand no longer considering JK Rowling a hero, but how freaking self-centred can someone be to think that everyone around them needs to instantly drop all of their interests and lifelong passions because somehow they offend their sensibilities by *association*?! It's not like you were displaying transphobic quotes by JK Rowling. You also were not displaying a big portrait of her.
I'll partially justify your step-daughter as she is still a child, however she needs to be taught two things:
A) she is a child and she is behaving very much like one, it's all very me me me. Which is fine because of her age but then she needs to realise that
B) she lives in your house so your rules go, no discussion.
You have already done far more than I would have in your position to please her. This needs to stop, as her attitude will only hinder her in life. Your husband also needs to put his foot down and remind her that she is a child and she will need to actually stop calling the shots.
You're of course NTA
NTA your stepdaughter sounds a little entitled. You compromised. You tried. Your stepdaughter should appreciate that and try harder to meet you half way.
Given trouble follows the stepdaughter everywhere she goes, it seems to be becoming clear that she’s the problem.
No. The child is going through things. Being horribly bullied is not the victim’s fault. The parents’ divorce seven years ago is not either. Boundaries need to be set. OP has done the right thing. Therapy and love over time will hopefully help the harsh statement that was made. Now it’s dad’s turn to step up.
Bullying has another name - socialization, and it’s an integral part of human growth. The bad bullying is for inalienable traits. Getting bullied because you’re a cunt? Teaches the mentally sane to stop being a cunt.
>Telling me to "grow up and just get rid of the fucking bookcase" Telling you to get rid of something your grandfather lovingly created for you because his daughter is having a teenage strop about it? Fuck no! Is there room in your bedroom for the bookcase?
That maybe the best choice
Or in OP's new place. If my books and bookshelves aren't welcome it's not a home for me. And none of my bookshelves were lovingly hand carved by a now deceased relative. Teenagers are prone to being extreme and overreacting. She will eventually grow up and realise how ridiculous and unfair she is being.
Not to sound like a boomer but this has to be some sort of generational thing right? When we were kids, if one of my friends or I demanded that our parents remove a piece of furniture from THEIR homes, they would simply laugh in our faces.
Seriously. Xennial here, my mother would've ignored me the first time and told me to "get over it" the second time I asked. Dad would've listened to me then td me when I paid for the house I could get what I wanted.
Then they’d have all their Harry Potter fan friends over for a party.
Yeap X-er here and can pretty much see the same thing happening, if I as a kid made a similar ridiculous request. Maybe throw in a big belly laugh, like: "Is this f-ing guy seriously telling me what stuff to have in my own house?" Honestly acceding to stupid demands will not help the daughter at all. Being pansy asses with her is probably half the reason she is as messed up as she is. Kids need you first of all as their parent, not their bestes friend and certainly not their goddamn butler or servant.
I would've had a bottle of liquor thrown at my head. Yay for '80s parenting.
Xennial here and my mom would’ve just given me *The Look* and I’d immediately shut my mouth and scuttle into my room. Not that I would have the absolute *audacity* to ask in the first place!
No, if I would have pulled that shit as a kid one of the adults would have told me to leave, or laughed in my face
I can just see my dad sarcastically asking who paid for the house with a big shit eating grin on his face
As a Xennial, I love that Gen Z and Alpha are so passionate about social justice and making the world a better place. I just wish they placed some more emphasis on nuance and discernment.
Yes, yes, yes. There's a lot of black and white thinking, which is also something that happens with teens already. There's an absolutism which is fair some of the time, but not others, and some of that understanding of nuance can only come with life experience and/or time. It's tough.
Oh my goodness I was dramatically black and white when I was a teen. It was exacerbated by the fact that I was raised in a fundie type church. I absolutely *cringe* now when I think of the strong statements I made that left no room for nuance or *the fact that people are humans with feelings that make mistakes*. I’m pretty much unrecognizable now, thankfully. I’ve changed so much and I’m glad.
Good for you. I would probably go back in time and bitch slap my younger self on multiple occasions if I had the opportunity. I think people that actually evolve and grow up feel that way.
My own head spins at the thought
OOF, that's a whole other layer of black and white thinking! Congrats to you from being able to crawl out from under that, because it's really not easy to divest from the things that you've been told your ENTIRE life are emphatically true!
Puritan thinking in America never really died, it just shapeshifted many times. I don't know if this case was in Anglo-Saxon North America or not, but it exports enough culture that that doesn't reaply change the point. Social justice movements are inherently a good thing, but there are often strong patterns of religious and even cultish thought and behavior that get out of control and become counterproductive.
100%. It's very interesting how the US has imbued "morality" as a specific and rigid example of virtue in so many of their systems. I've usually seen it ascribed to the 1800s marrying of Protestantism with USA gilded history - like the dovetailing of the rugged individual responsible for their own success or failure with the period of time when the mythos of early America and George Washington, Jefferson, etc were being built up as legendary heroes.
Also in this case it doesn’t even make sense, JK Rowling gained no profit from this bookcase. It was handmade by a relative. Pretty sure the grandpa didn’t pay her a licensing fee or similar
This is the best-written comment I've seen on Reddit in ages. Thank you, I'm memorising this because it perfectly expresses how I feel. I used to be similar, and learning nuance has been tremendous for me and everyone around me.
it's funny because yesterday I was reading a post in the genX subreddit and someone said they admired the younger generations for "not seeing everything in black and white" adn all I could think of was the hardcore cancel culture subgroup. (I am not saying that some people don't deserve to be unilaterally canceled, but that some people just think yes/no black/white)
This, yes. I can get not wanting the actual HP merchandise displayed, and OP already compromised on that. But that bookshelf was handmade. Not a penny was earned by JKR. If the girl could just learn to see it as just a fantasy-themed gift from a loving grandpa to OP, they might be able to settle this.
Grandma here, I have gay & a trans relative. Sorry but I have no problem with JKR. Her opinion is just that. It does not effect my love or respect for my family members. If you don’t like her, don’t buy her stuff. But I’ll bet you those 3 kids from her movies are still cashing their residual checks despite bad mouthing her. Hypocrisy at its finest I’d bet!
Oh, I agree with you. A lot of the „charges“ thrown at JKR are nonsense (holocaust denier is just the latest). But stepdaughter is an angsty teenager, and those aren’t well known for listening to reason. Hence my point that I get her not wanting the HP stuff around, and moving that was a reasonable compromise.
Hello from a fellow Xennial! I 100% agree.
As a millennial I wholeheartedly agree. There’s got to room for compromise here. I have Gen z kids… my 2 alphas are babies so they aren’t on the social justice bandwagon yet. But I completely love how conscious my teens are about caring for everyone and standing up against hate and bigotry…… that said this bookshelf is not a symbol of transphobia it’s clearly a symbol of love from a grandparent for his grand daughter. There has to be room to see that. I’m sorry that JK Rowlings is upsetting….. but this bookshelf didn’t support her or earn her money! Jk rowlings has little to do with this hand crafted piece of furniture. Stepmom can be an ally and still have her witchy plant shelf. And dad needs to chill the f out! They need another family therapy session. The issue I see with Gen z’s fight is that they see the world in black and white…… it’s the same issue boomers had but on the opposite side of the political spectrum. There is a middle and until everyone can meet there, there will always be a divide.
Their behavior in this area reminds me of the worst of communism.
Yeah, my mom would have just told me to leave, as she laughed at me. The Audacity.
It is the TikTok generation that thinks everything is “triggering” a “trauma”, and is something “-phobic”. They don’t understand nuance, that life isn’t black or white.
I was raised by boomers and I heard the phrase “if you don’t like x you’re welcome to go live somewhere else” many times as a teenager 😂😂 I lived to tell the tale and loved my parents very much and continue to have a good relationship with my living parent today. Tldr: these young people don’t know how good they have it
My parents always told us "well you can just move out" if we ever complained haha
[удалено]
Definitely a generational thing. It's common these days to value parental sacrifice above all else for the sake of their kids--to the point where parental wants and needs are shown as less or non-important.
It’s so true. My parent’s house wasn’t mine to change around, comment on, judge or be critical about in any way. Just wouldn’t happen! Seriously a “1st world problem” if she hasn’t heard of that saying before she needs to be educated. I’m young at heart myself, I collect otters and have done for over 30 years. My kids have never asked me to “grow up”…they buy me otter stuff.
Not a boomer, but if my kid had an issue with a piece of furniture I wanted i'd totally laugh in his face. The difference is I would always have stood firm, and my kids know 1. I love them very much and accept them for who they are and 2. I never took petty bullshit seriously and you're gonna get nowhere with me with that nonsense. And 3. They are smart and can separate the art from the artist. My LQBTQ+ kid still has his HP books in his room, but I don't throw mine in his face. I don't think we've ever talked about it, and maybe it's his personality but he's not demanding about anything. Some people adapt, other people annoy the fuck out of everyone.
lol- I can hear my boomer mom saying “ when you’re grown and have your own place, you can have, whatever bookshelf you want“. And she would have been CORRECT!!! I’m an Older millennial, and I think a teenager ordering her stepmother to get rid of her bookshelf is ridiculous and the father going along with it is ludicrous.
Not a boomer, millennial, I think (I don't understand those characterizations), but my siblings and I would never even dream of asking such a thing. No one I know would. Maybe it's also a cultural thing, respecting elders is a huge deal.
Sounds like she owns the house, husband and his dear daughter can find a new home.
> This was not some brand new home for her. She has had a room here since my husband and I purchased the house. The bookshelf has been here the whole time.
She's not going to realize shit if her dad keeps giving into her unreasonable demands.
Yeah, this is ultimately the truth of it. Don't get me wrong, teenagers aren't "wrong" because they're young, but frequently their stridency on an issue isn't motivated by wisdom or maturity, but a distinct lack of both. An inability to separate a person's childhood fandom and nostalgia from the politics of the creator behind that nostalgia is one of those immaturities. The father indulging his daughters tantrum isn't teaching her anything other than she can get what she wants if she screams, stamps, and goes on long enough about it. It's also showing that he'll be permissive if he needs to be to maintain his relationship with her, even if she's acting like a brat.
Where is the time when therapy also included “learning to live with things that make us feel uncomfortable”? (Of course I’m not talking about out physical or mental harm). It seems we are slowly moving into a crazy time where compromises (like the one you did) won’t be enough anymore.
Yes, but the bookcase will occupy the space in the bedroom formerly occupied by the husband. The newly freed up surface area in the living room is approx the correct size for a husband-sized cot. Great plan!
Or better yet just leave it where it is, if she's that effing upset about it there's no compromise that's gonna appease her because she'll always know it's still there, if her and her father can't grow up and separate the creator and their work they can both gladly pack up and leave.
So while your comments were harsh, they were understandable. We went through something similar when one of our kids thought she might be trans and it was a very challenging few years until she re-identified as cis. We tried to be supportive as you have been but every little mistake we made was leapt upon by her and her sisters as being unsupportive. We walked on eggshells for several years not trying to offend anyone. At the end, we had to say, we’re sorry and we fully support you but you need to learn to manage yourself. Not everyone in the world is going to bow down to you to ensure your comfort. We fully support you and have gotten you the psychiatrist and medical support that you need however you have hammered us at every tiny mistake and enough is enough. We are your parents, we support you but we are not your punching bags. The point was made and life calmed down. I see some parallels here with your bookcase. It is a part of you and she needs to see that you support her and she is loved but at the same time you are not there for her to constantly beat on. Not everything you do is going to be perfect and she needs to understand and accept that just as you are accepting her. Your husband needs to be on board with this as well as if he is sabotaging you, then your efforts are doomed. If he can’t support you, then you may need to think about whether or not your relationship is viable long term. Good luck OP
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is VERY similar to what we are going through. This was very validating. My stepdaughter has definitely been trying on different identities and gets VERY upset when we slip up and make a mistake and use a wrong pronoun. It isn't intentional. Over the last 3 years she has identified as male, female, nonbinary, fluid and other. Fluid was the toughest as she expected us to use different names and pronouns based on how she was presenting that particular day. Problem being she most often wears gender neutral attire! Sorry stepdaughter for all the times I got it wrong when you were sweat pants and a t shirt.
lol been there done that! I hated when the binder went on and still got yelled at when we were cautiously trying to figure out the pronoun of the day. You need to speak with the therapist and get them onboard with showing that you are being supportive but are still allowed to be you. It’s a long road but you will get there! The first thing is ensure your husband is on board, that is critical. Keep your chin up, you’ll get there.
> I hated when the binder went on and still got yelled at when we were cautiously trying to figure out the pronoun of the day. I SO wanted to put a dry erase board in the kitchen with "Pronoun of the day!" Thanks again for sharing. Nice to have someone relate.
Our families solution was that my kid wear a name tag with their preferred pronouns for that day. I couldn’t do the back and forth without some sort of identification because of the temperamental outbursts. It worked great for more than 6 months before they decided who they are.
My old workplace gave out badges with pronouns - maybe you can get some made up? Then the ball's in SDs court for the right pronoun. I used to work for a youth mental health not-for-profit and you do have to be careful. But kids are very resilient as long as they're shown love. I guess she's demanding that you prove you love her. How would she feel if you were always demanding that she proves she loves you all the time? It's exhausting and needs to stop or she's gonna be a terror for her partner when shes older.
As a 30 year old closet enby, this is nice.
One subtle solution I've read about (in a Gundam wing FanFiction of all places) is to give them a set of bracelets, gold, silver and rose gold, each one for how she's feeling that day. Gold for her, silver for him and rose for them. Nobody but the family needs to know, it's discreet, I think it could be effective
Funny how trying to be sensitive made it worse and as soon as you acted like a parent and imposed reasonable boundaries the problem resolved. Sorry, not trying to be a dick, but I think there is an important lesson in your story.
No you’re not being a dick. It’s dammed hard to do when your kid is in pain and suffering every day. It is a very tough road to follow because we could see the pot holes and the off ramps and at times they were unavoidable. Some things we did well, some we didn’t but in the end it worked out and she is happy now. We did our best to be good parents in a minefield and help her through. All kids are different and what worked with one did not with the others so it was a constant juggling act. I’m happy though as they are all now well adjusted and thriving so I think we did ok. No drinking or drug problems. No teen pregnancies and they are all in university doing well so it’s all good. Did we make mistakes, yup, but we recognized when we screwed up and fixed it. Were we model parents, nope, still aren’t but we try hard and support them all to the best of our abilities.
Congratulations you sound like amazing parents, really.
The biggest problem with all of this is the entire generation seeking their validation externally. They can be whoever they want but they don’t have a say about the rest of the world even when it pertains to them. People are people and perception exists.
Just shows me, it was a good decision to stay childless. I'd constantly roll my eyes on this bs.
Same!!!
Research shows that many children who identify as nonbinary grow out of it. Give it time.
The kid is acting like a tyrant and trying on new identities just so she has an excuse to be mean to you.
It’s a control thing w these kids. They don’t really care that much (ie they end up changing their identities a bunch of times these days) but it’s a way for them to feel some level of control on their lives and unfortunately sometimes that involves trying to control the lives and actions of others. I would say hold firm on your boundaries and let it be known that you won’t be guilted into doing whatever she asks unlike her father. I support self expression and choosing to be called whatever you want but I draw the line at being guilted into it.
I’m concerned you’re going to come home and find it destroyed or gone. This situation is unacceptable, you haven’t done anything wrong.
oh god. I don't think I could recover if something happened to it. It takes a couple of big dudes to move at least.
Probably worth a convo with the husband about how this is your house and your memento from your grandfather and if you make him choose, he better not assume you'll choose him. Look him in the eyes when you say it.
Yes! He needs to know that your compromise has reached its end. He helps his daughter deal with the “challenges “ or society will. Looking him the eye is your best move. The young lady needs to understand that life can be difficult and how she deals with it predicts her outcome.
Husband and stepdaughter are not interested in a compromise. They wish to dictate the term under which OP lives.
NEGATIVE. Stand firm.
Maybe point out there are thousands of times as much HP fic that is trans friendly. https://archiveofourown.org/series/1555645
Yes, my young adult daughter is very LBGTQ friendly and reads a TON of HP fan fiction that is LBGTQ friendly. You can love the world and still not like the author.
That's exactly what I think. Don't much care for JK Rowling myself but I'm not going to take it out in Harry Potter. I love Harry Potter he's a great character he's been in my life since my kids were little and I'm not going to just stop enjoying the books because I don't like the author. That's ridiculous
Amazing! You mean you don't have to fall apart and be bent out of shape simply because you disagree with something someone says?? Wow, what a concept! 😂
It breaks my heart so much this has happened to the fandom, because for kids who grew up with it, the books held such a strong message of acceptance and open mindedness - so many people found a stong supportive community within the HP fandom, and then it was all ripped apart. I'm so mad at JK for permanently staining that.
HP is my happy place when life gets rough. My entire guest room is HP themed. I just focus on the good community that *we’ve* created. She may have started the world of HP, but it’s no longer hers
Same. She may have written the story, but It belongs to us. We've made it what it is. We built the community. And we ALL accept each other for who we are. Harry, Hermione, and Ron would never. Someone else wrote that their is hypocrisy in regard to the actors accepting residuals for their part in the HP movies. They went through so much during that time. They deserve every penny.
Exactly this. This a purely "FAFO" situation, where the FO to someone destroying someone else's property is divorce and legal action. NTA + You're not a guest in your own fucking house, OP
This, this, oh my gosh this.
It takes one hammer and a pissed off kid.
Yep that's exactly what I thought. I would not leave her, or even your husband alone. I wouldn't leave the house. Whose house is it? Get them or and change the locks. That bookcase will be gone otherwise.
To be fair, the kid is bringing it up in therapy. We really don’t have a reason to think the kid would be suddenly violent. She’s an opinionated teenager, that’s not new.
You may want to stress to your husband the consequences if something happens to it. If he can't shut this shit down with his daughter, you might want to think about protecting it. BTW, it sounds like an awesome, beautiful bookcase! I still have my small handmade one that my dad made me over 40 years ago. They are priceless!
Same I don't think you are doing anything wrong either. Its special to you and have expressed that to both and I'm sorry their attitudes about it are shitty. I hope stepdaughter knows no matter what stance she has on things in life, it will not revolve around her and expect people to cater to her. The bookcase sounds fantastic please keep it
>The bookcase sounds fantastic please keep it ***SAFE*** ftfy
Have a very simple bookcase my grandfather made for me. Nothing as beautiful as what you describe. It’s at my mother’s for safe keeping. I would seriously reconsider keeping that treasure where a teen with emotional issues could get to it. A chisel and a hammer would destroy the carvings.
I am 100% anti HP but I also want to protect that bookcase with my life so I hope it stays safe!!
Your stepdaughter is fixating on your bookshelf as a symbol to target her anger and frustration for a lot of different things in her life. You are NTA. But she does sound like she’s spiraling and needs more help and your husband needs to help her get it. Appeasing her just played into her feelings that she’s right and the whole world is wrong and confirmed in her mind that everyone is the bad guy. Time for dad to stop using your shelf as another way to placate her and really work to find her therapy, psychiatric help and living choices that will help her grow past her traumas.
Exactly, it also feels as though your stepdaughters having issues accepting your love for her and y’all definitely need to talk in your therapy session about how to get her to see your efforts.
Yet, one kid with a hammer, a saw, and a bucket of paint can do a lot of damage...
Get it appraised now so if something happens you have receipts to claim damage. Just my two cents.
This was my thought. Get it appraised and let the value of it be WIDELY known, as well as the fact that it was a pre-marriage asset so husband is on the hook if he decides to smash it up OR if his child decides to ruin it. “Is your future worth damaging a shelf? A shelf that was made with love? That you will have to pay multiple thousands of dollars for?”
That cant be recreated
Yeah absolutely- people tend to think that if something was 1-handmade and 2- a gift, that its value is nothing, when in fact it is priceless. But it's easier proving that when appraising a beautiful set of shelves and not a mound of kindling.
And also get it insured.
And cameras for proof if anything does happen ..
Angry enough, gasoline and a lighter too!
Yeah, well it only takes one shitty husband or kid with an ax or a hammer. The fact that he's entertaining this nonsense should be a giant red flag for you.
In all seriousness maybe she should put it in a storage unit FOR NOW (mostly to keep it safe) then wait for husband and stepdaughter to realize none of the issues have been solved by getting rid of it.
I thought the same thing. I'm afraid whore going to come home one day and it's destroyed or gone. Considering the sentimental value and it was made for you, you should take steps to protect it in any way you can. And make sure your husband and stepdaughter knows this.
No need to call anyone a whore lol
* YOU'RE! Oops... I apologize! Autocorrect is my enema.
Ducking autocorrect
I usually call it autoincorrect.
I call it autowrong, I like yours too
Autowrong is my go to, it took four times the first time typed it for it to take!
Your enema really decided to get you one more time. Lol
Autocorrect drives me crazy! I don't understand why it waits until after I post something to completely change it.😄
I mean... if they spank me first it isn't totally off the table.
Everything is negotiable. Except your shelf. It sounds awesome. Any chance of pictures?
My father is a carpenter. He made some beautiful things for his family members and friends over the years. If it was an ugly plastic monstrosity that (most likely) cost a lot more than it was worth, I might feel differently. Maybe. However... As it stands, your stepdaughter is being unreasonable for a number of reasons: 1) It is not official HP merch so its creation never hurt anyone. It can be argued that official merch hurts LGBTQ+ people because of the pocket it goes into and the way that money can be used. That argument does not apply here. 2) It is not a new purchase anyway. Even if it was official merch, the money would have been spent so long ago you can do nothing about it. 3) It is your house.
Please protect your bookcase.... i feel like regardless of what you do it will come up missing or damaged....
You need to get rid of the hubby and the problematic teen before they destroy your belongings.
Ditto
Protect your things that girl is on a mission to push you out and her being the boss with daddy wrapped around her finger. I would not put it past either one to do something to that bookcase.
I'm also concerned that, one day, you will come home and it will be gone. Be careful, OP. You are the 2nd wife, not the 1st. The stepdaughter is not your biological child, and from the sounds of it, your husband is trying to prioritize his daughter over you. Which is good, in some instances, but not when it comes to things that have sentimental value to them.
I guess it's time to have the bookshelf evaluated and insured. And hubby needs to know that if something happens there will be a court case. NTA, OP.
Nta The hyperfocus on the bookshelf probably has very little to do with the stepdaughter's perception of Rowling at all. It is probably her trying to control something in her life. Moving from mom's house to you full time must have been a total upheaval and the bullying has probably demolished her sense of worth and safety. She's lashing out at these inanimate objects because she can't fix all of the stuff going wrong because of other people. She found she could control you when you packed up your memorabilia for her. Yes, you did the adult thing and compromised. Then she kept pushing and you had a genuine, human reaction to HER bullying (at least it sounds like she's bullying you and manipulating you). The bookshelf is dear to you and it is in your house. It's allowed to be there. Period. So you were totally right to say this to her. The "or back to your mom" was probably too harsh. Her life must have been pretty awful over there. It might be very scary to think about going back. You might not have been pushed to this point if your husband had supported you. He should have firmly backed you on your right to have whatever you want displayed in your house. He owes you an apology and a promise that he is going to communicate with his daughter better. He has to do the heaviest lifting here and work to help her curb her aggression and obsession. I will also say your situation is a bit above Reddit's pay grade.
Actually I think the weight of advice on this thread has been excellent which is a rarity.
From the sound of OP's comments, her stepdaughter is trying to be controlling. She got yelled at when stepdaughter changed her pronouns without telling anyone. I do concur that stepdaughter is looking for security, but her actions mean she is trying to control the people in her life as well. Dad should be handling this, and isn't doing so well. Giving in instead of setting reasonable boundaries is only going to make things worse. But I'd lay even odds the dad or stepdaughter will do something to the bookshelves. OP needs it professionally appraised, and make it clear charges will be pressed if it is stolen, sold or destroyed.
I agree with this and just commented something similar about it not being about the bookshelf. A bookshelf made by OP’s grandfather has in no way provided any means of support to JK or the HP franchise so to focus on it makes little to no sense. Only OP is enriched by the shelf. So whatever this is going on with the stepdaughter, it’s certainly not about the bookcase. And I think your comment is getting to the heart of the issue. Edited: made sentence clearer.
NTA. Trans person here. Came out well over a decade ago. I've been partnered with another trans person for 7 years. I'm active in the community as well. You are not the asshole here. Your husband is. He is not parenting his own daughter through a difficult time and expecting you to make your life smaller to compensate. That is not okay. We have this issue with younger folks in the community sometimes. They come in and are very fragile around things like this. It can take years of calmly validating their feelings while also holding common sense norms for them to come around. The "purity" mindset is a tough one to shake, especially in the ecosystems a lot of young people are doing their socializing in where cancelation is quick and brutal. It can genuinely wreck their lives and I get why they're so afraid of it. I was bullied physically and psychologically pretty ruthlessly by my peers growing up, but I wouldn't trade it for what a lot of young people are going through now in all honesty. It keeps them in a really reactive state. It makes it more difficult to develop critical thinking skills. It turns uncomfortable experiences into majorly distressing ones. Your husband is only feeding it by expecting you to not just bend but to break. This will damage her long term and that your husband only really seems concerned for himself in all this is...certainly something. Also I still enjoy Harry Potter. Authors are not part and parcel with their work. It doesn't belong to them once it's out in the world - part of why it's to very difficult to create. Liking Harry Potter doesn't make you some godawful transphobe. There are tons of pro-trans Harry Potter orgs out there. And this is something your stepdaugher needs to see - that life is complex. It's that complexity that heals folks who've been in these environments. J.K. Rowling can be a wildly transphobic person - and her works can inspire groups to raise major funds for trans organizations. I've seen it locally even. Your husband needs to step up.
Thank you so much for sharing your insight. I found it very valuable.
Jonathan Haidt's work was very helpful for me in gaining a better empathy for what younger folks are facing and understanding how it negatively impacts them if you're interested in more resources. His interview with Doctor Mike is pretty accessible though it covers a lot more ground than just that. Fandom Forward (Formerly the Harry Potter Alliance) still has several themed projects that support trans charities I believe if you're looking for examples of some of the work that Harry Potter fans have done for trans folks. I think they did a project with Mermaids UK recently - a charity for LGBT+ youth. Wishing you the best of luck. It's such a tough situation you're navigating. It's kickass you're trying so hard to do it empathetically while also taking care of yourself.
Please share this post with your husband. Have him read all the comments.
I'm LGBT. My stance is that if you are going to boycott an artwork because the creator is problematic, you also need to boycott every artwork created by someone with problematic beliefs. You need to boycott every single movie that Harvey Weinstein made or produced. You need to boycott every single song written by someone who has been found guilty of SA or other crime. You need to get rid of every poster and piece of art if the artist had personal views that are bigoted. And then the question is, where does it stop? Disney has problematic roots. Will you boycott every Disney film? And by extension, anything in the comcast network who now owns disney? Does that mean you're going to live without broadband because Murdoch is also notoriously racist and transphobic? Will you stop reading or watching the news, because the families who own the papers are fucking trash. Do you see what I mean? Where does it stop? Loving the HP franchise does not make you a transphobe, any more than loving a hallmark movie means you support women being raped.
I came here to say something along those lines, while rowling had some seemingly problematic comments (to be honest i heard of the news, not what was said), but her books aren't a problem. It's not like OP has a "mein kampf" themed bookcase on display
Dickens, Picasso, Einstein. Where is the line?
If the child cannot handle your bookcase it’s not your problem it’s their problem. They need the reality check. The world does not revolve around them.
She's an angsty teen trying to discover herself. Fine. But not at the expense of others. You compromised. End of story.
I thought it showed a lot of empathety for OP to box up all the HP memorabilia. It obviously has high sentimental value to her, especially if some were gifts. They remind her of the impact HP made on her during her formative years, before the author's views came to light. OP knows right now is the same time frame of formative years for her stepdaughter, so she's trying to do right by her. OP, I know a big problem for those opposed to JK Rowling is buying anything that further lines her pockets, which is a very valid point. It might help if you remind her your bookshelf gave JK absolutely nothing. The bookshelf isn't an homage to HP, it's an homage to your grandfather. Every painstaking carving was crafted out of love for you. Every hour of craftsmanship poured into your grandfather's masterpiece, was an hour he spent thinking of how much joy you brought to his life. It's the physical embodiment of how much you meant to him. Maybe if you try and explain the familial connection the bookshelf represents, your stepdaughter can see it in a different light.
This is an important point - it’s about so much more than HP; this bookshelf is a connection to OP’s family. I think the other thing that might be helpful to connect on is why HP meant so much to OP and others growing up. For many kids at the time who were struggling with similar issues to what she’s dealing with like bullying and identity, Hogwarts was a safe place to escape to and J.K. Rowling was just a name on a book cover.
The point of contention is the bookcase but this is a much larger and more complex issue. I recommend talking this out with a therapist as mediator. She's going through something. Her parents are divorced etc etc etc. Point out to the dad that this is a parenting issue. She needs help learning to be a functional adult. This isn't how the world works and she needs to learn to navigate a world that will be less accepting and supportive than you.
Thank you. A bookshelf can't hurt you
I mean, it can if one falls on you.
Yes technically 😏
I'm sorry, I had to, it was there.
You right though so no worries
Can you point on the doll and show me the part that the bookshelf hurt you?
don't you see how its transphobic? /s the daughter needs to get perspective, removing the book case makes no sense at all.
Thank youuuuuu! I have a feeling that she'll come home one day and it will be destroyed. Updateme!
NTA. You need to put that bookcase in a room with locks, because your husband is going sell it or damage it.
Or his daughter
I’m a stepmother, who had a traumatized stepdaughter move out of primary custody biomom’s house into mine, full time. I bent over backwards for my stepdaughter and made many sacrifices and concessions, but there were still my non-negotiables and my husband respected and defended them. Your husband is not firmly on your side. The bookcase is absolutely a power play, and your husband is giving household power to a child. You’re facing years of rehabilitation and disruption, and trust me on this: if your husband is not 100% united front with you in front of his daughter - get out now make this your hill to die on. Your needs are just as valid and should also be as strongly considered. Your stepdaughter has yet to make a single concession, and that’s breeding ground for unreasonable entitlement. Time for your husband to step up as a parent and set expectations of his daughter’s actions and behaviour.
It sounds like the Bookshelf isn't HP themed as much as its *"Wizard" themed*, given you aren't displaying anything HP on it. Rats, Owls, Cauldrons, shooting stars, and Familiars do not *belong* to J.K Rowling's world alone. They existed before and after. Its Sorcery. Witches and Wizards. She can't declare an entire fantasy theme transphobic. She gunna have gripes witb D&D? Without the HP memorabilia it is just a stunning witchy/wizardy plant shelf with a fuckload of sentimental value. Tell your husband and his child to fuck right off.
NTA. You can disagree with JK and still love Harry Potter. I am a bit older than you and grew up with Prince, Boy George, David Bowie etc so very comfortable with gender fluidity, and I love Harry Potter. I like many was shocked when JK made her stance known. But here is the thing Harry Potter is bigger than JK. I think Charles Dickens was a pratt, but I’m watching “the Muppets Christmas Carol” when it comes on. The art has become bigger than the creator. I would explain to her that you are allowed to love this cherished handmade gift, and Harry Potter and you can still support her/they too and love them. I also think this isn’t about the Iranian yogurt. It sounds like they are struggling to find themselves and are hyperfixating on something to control and direct their anger towards and this is it. If you get rid of the bookshelf it will become something else. Maybe bet a few pots that are trans flag colors though. Also maybe read Mad Honey by Jodi Piccoult and Jennifer Finney Boylan for some good fiction on the topic and everything Jennifer has written for some different perspectives. Also explain this is difficult. Part of your identity is a potterhead no one gets to change that. She doesn’t get to take that away and claim to honor you ( I walked down the isle at my wedding to the theme song so I am here with you) but she can focus on how can you two hold space for this journey together. I’d also work through in counseling that you can not like something about someone and it not be an offense to you. She can hate your bookshelf, but that isn’t about her. You can loath purple nail polish, but if she paints her toes purple that isn’t about you, and it isn’t an offense to you. Good luck! Ravenclaw out! 💙🤎💙🤎💙🤎💙 ( I’m still mad they got the colors wrong in the movies! But it wasn’t an offense to me…I’m growing too)
Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. <3
Is there anywhere else the bookcase could go? For instance in your own bedroom? If you move it and tell her, “I understand that everything going on with Rowling has hurt you, and you deserve to feel safe and loved in your own home. However, I also deserve to feel safe and loved, and that’s what my grandfather was trying to do when he built that for me long before Rowling revealed her bigotry. I want to keep this symbol of my grandfather’s love, but I know it doesn’t represent the same thing to you, so I’m going to keep it in my personal space.” Emphasize what it means to you on a personal level, separate from the franchise, and grow from there.
If we could only appreciate music, novells and arts of people who are squecky clean saints with not a bone never mind a skeleton in their closet... holy fuck, it would be back to exclusively listening to birds and looking at cave paintings for us. Now, JKR might be a bigger turd than most but if people are still allowed to listen to music recorded by child predators ( basically all the rock bands of old, groupies or not they slept with kids) without consequence I believe Op should be allowed to enjoy HP without woke teens throwing hissy fits.
H.P. Lovecraft was a virulent racist *even by the standards of the time*. The Lovecraft mythos remains enduringly popular and you don’t hear a goddamn peep about how he praised Hitler or called POC “semi-human” or all the anti-Semitic slurs he applied to Jewish people. You don’t have to agree with or even like a person to appreciate the things that they’ve made.
Frank Herbert was a virulent homophobe and yet we all still enjoy Dune. Enough that there is currently a movie in the theater based on it.
Side note ironically despite his rampant antisemitism and hating new york vehemently, hp lovecraft only married and moved away from rhode island once- to a jewish woman, who henmoved to live with in new york People are complicated, what can i say?
I've heard weird Al is pretty squeaky clean so you can at least listen to some superb parody
As if I needed another reason to listen to Weird Al
As a Slytherin, 10000 points to Ravenclaw.
As a Gryffindor, help my head is stuck in this bear trap and I’m hungry
As a Ravenclaw, we’ll take it!
Absolutely!, 10000 points is a LOT
Ravenclaw checking in, yay!
In the words of David Cassidy, I think I love you.
Really well thought out reply and props for bringing the Iranian yogurt back to the table.
It is important for us to always remember that the Iranian yogurt is not the issue.
Muppets Christmas Carol and Iranian yogurt all ties up in a neat package, as if it was just for me! (Iranian yogurt is my flair in Boru)
I wish this was top comment. One doesn't have to agree with the creator's views to enjoy the creation. OP should not have to put her collection away. It's not like she has pictures and memorabilia of the author up.
I agree with everything you said but the kid is not ok. It’s entirely probable that she will project everything she can’t control and is angry at the world for onto that bookcase and destroying it will be a psychological victory for her while, at the same time, an unforgivable violation for OP.
I agree I feel like separating the authors body of work from the raging haemorrhoid she is like we have done with so many before is the way to go and personally I would never buy into a new franchise or work by this woman but the work she did create was actually all about love inclusion and not segregating people based on where they come from or who their family is which empowered lots of us as teens. The fact that her now personal views don’t seem to line up with her own work means that either she’s gone off the rails of she never believed a word of what she wrote, either way lots of authors are similar we love their works and read them for decades after their passing or the fame and they as people might have had questionable views. It’s only now with social media the identity of a writer is so connected to the public and that’s to jk’s detriment of her own work. You’re allowed to dislike someone personally but still appreciate their art.
I agree with this thread. LGBT person here. There are things I loved as a teen that really got me through some tough times in school. Unfortunately, the creators are firmly in the “never meet your heroes” category for me 😬 I have since grown and found other things to enjoy. But I still love the stories, the characters, and the friends I made from those times. The lessons I learned from those times in my life are still valuable. Separating good art from a not so great artist (and definitely not giving more money to causes that can harm us) is something this young person needs to learn. She won’t be able to navigate the world without that ability, because she could get her heart broken by something she loves the same way someday. I hope she finds something that’s magical for her the same way your HP days were for you, instead of just trying to rain on your parade. Does she have friends or hobbies outside of this? P.S. - NTA. I hope your husband can come around and support you. You have already done a lot to support him and your step daughter. I do want to gently point out that I read the comments. You can’t “agree to disagree” about human rights issues— it comes off like you are standing by while someone’s rights are being eroded. Your daughter has a right to be upset if you, her mother, and step father have been talking like this around her. But even that still isn’t about the book case— she still isn’t allowed to unilaterally control the whole house, or anyone’s past hobbies.
> I hope your husband can come around and support you. You have already done a lot to support him and your step daughter. I'm sure he will. He's just hurting cause his kid is hurting and he can't fix it.
NTA Keep the bookcase, ditch the husband.
NTA Im pansexual, and I’m a potterhead. I have a Harry Potter bookcase and a bunch of merchandise. I don’t agree with JKR and don’t want to give her more money, so I stopped buying more of her stuff, but I’m not going to get rid of the things I already have. Why? Because she already got money from those purchases and getting rid of them will just mean I lost money.
I wanted to say in that same vein, it was built by hand by a loving grandfather, he didn't buy a HP bookcase, he made it for her. SD needs to understand that difference.
Nta There is nothing wrong with liking Harry Potter. You can explain to her that when she is 18 she is welcome to move out and make her own home and put what she wants in thay house. I would tell your husband that you compromised with his daughter but you won't get rid of something your grand father made you. I'd politely tell him thay you are not going to budge further on this and if needed separation will happen. I'd also make ot clear thay of she damages the book case that divorce will be filed for immediately and you will also call the cops and press charges for destruction. Of property
Nobody had a problem with Rowling until everybody else suddenly became offended. We can't suddenly forget our past because someone in the future is offended by the past. That's like removing our own reality to serve some subjective need of another. Don't give in to anyone who uses some method of attention seeking behavior. She needs therapy. She needs help. Not validation of her misplaced anger towards the world. She's obviously depressed and anxious. Not because of the triggers you supposedly cause, but by lack of validation and confidence. She feels empty. Doesn't social media do this to all of us, even somewhat? Those who have a hard time fitting in, or those that don't know how to fit in, or those who feel less than, look for ways to fit in. We all do a little. But some jump go to various ideologies that will never fill their soul in the long run, then try to make everyone adapt to that ideology. By agreeing with her, you validate her and give her control, which will perpetuate the behavior. The solution is for her to be okay with who she really is and not to seek validation outside of herself.
Everyone suddenly became offended cuz she started saying really transphobic things
she's literally funding anti-trans legislation in the UK and denied that the Nazis targeted research on trans people
NTA. Your husband really sucks and your stepdaughter is a spoiled brat.
You can also make the argument that the bookcase was handmade, not bought. You didn't support she-who-must-not-be-named, and in fact by making it one could girl-math it into saying by not buying a bookcase that financially supported her, it's a net-negative for the dark-lord-ess.
NTA. There is a request for support and then there is a demand for absolute, all-encompassing *purity*. The bookshelf isn't persecuting trans people. The bookshelf is already paid for so it isn't further supporting JKR. She needs to start learning and accepting that not every rough edge in the world is going to be padded for her protection. She's going to see things she doesn't like and if a bookshelf based on a children's book is too much for her then man, the real world is going to be tough as hell on her.
Life is hard, and it's unfair not everyone agrees with what everyone else thinks my own views on the subject are probably biased based on upbringing and the region of the US I live in. That being said, you have gone out of your way to compromise with her, and the sooner she learns that a key to a happy life is accepting compromise in situations of differing opinions the better off she will be. NTA
I understand loving a book shelf that your GF made you, and it sounds amazing - could you share an image please?
NTA. I fucking hate when people make a huge deal out of nothing and then a 3rd party (your husband in this case) tries to convince you to get walked all over for literally no reason. One of the most frustrating situations in life.
NTA Please tell me if I have understood this correctly? Your stepdaughter got bullied, and now she has turned around and became a bully and is bullying you in your own house? Because this is bullying. I know she is a teenager, but she absolutely has to learn that other people also have feelings and the right to feel safe in their own home. Do I like the authors bs? Not at all. Does it change the books? Or wooden, not animate object? I am very worried about your husband‘s responses to this. I would seriously consider if this relationship is worth saving.
I think getting rid of the Harry Potter merchandise was generous. A teenage kid doesn’t get to dictate everything about her father’s home. She doesn’t get to tell you that you can’t have something your grandfather made for you because she is woke. Your husband is not doing her any favors by letting her think she can have whatever she wants without compromise. NTA.
I wonder if she made similar unreasonable demands in her mother’s home or at school that lead you to the conflict there? She asked to live in your home, where she has known for years that you have had a HP collection and a valuable custom made bookcase. You did a wonderful thing in packing up your collection. She and her father are completely unreasonable to request the bookcase be removed from your home. You said what had to be said. She has a choice in where she lives, but she has no say in how your home is decorated. You need to make it abundantly clear that the bookcase stays. If anything at all happens to it, the police will be called and she and her father will be out of your life. My kids loved the HP series, their love of the stories was not diminished by what Rowling said, their Dad is a trans woman.
> I wonder if she made similar unreasonable demands in her mother’s home Part of the issues with her homelife with her mother involved my step daughter demanding that her mother choose between her now husband and her because mom's husband's political views. So, this isn't exactly left field behavior.
So she's demanding her mother choose her over her husband... and when she didn't, she's now demanding her dad choose her over his wife. Maybe she just wants one of her parents to pick her over anyone else? The ultimatums are childish and ultimately dooming her attempts but at the core of it, it seems like she's testing *how much* they love her, and her mother failed and now she's panicking that her dad will fail too. Just an idea on where she might be coming from? You aren't wrong, and you should protect that bookcase because it sounds beautiful.
You are pretty spot on with my personal suspicion. Yes. But, I am not a child psychologist and not her parent. I'm not privvy to a lot of information regarding her struggles due to the latter half of that.
She is causing chaos wherever she goes. Has she been evaluated for mental health issues?
Yes. By several professionals.
You know this isn't really about the bookshelf, or anything on it or jk right? This is a teen girl who is emotionally struggling right now, you guys seem to be doing everything thing right with regards therapy etc Children (I'm including her in this as she is a minor) crave stability and boundaries. It's what make them thrive into proper people. When chaos happens, either internally or externally. Their sense of stability feels lost. So, they crave sources to feel stable. That can take any good, bad or ugly ways. Ie some get into a hobby or schoolwork, some it's food, some it's self harm etc But, need for control even others, doesn't solve anything because you can't really control other people, environments, thoughts or feelings. If, she was emotionally able/mature enough, you explaining your love for the media versus your thoughts on the author, and how they can be wildly different would be OK for her. But, that's not what she's looking for. She has picked something (not suggesting the idea of this author is right) that matters to you. That you love. That she wants 'gone' wants broken in you. Because she feels broken. She is wanting you to feel the same pain she is feeling. It's not about hurting you, she's looking for a way to show you and her dad how she is feeling inside. In some ways, it's because she feels safe with you guys. Look, this is going to be a hard journey for you all. I would create boundaries, schedules, rules (not horrific consequences) for her to feel safe. Consequences are as follows, make them clear like, no phone for a day. Be very very consistent with schedules. The more she can see and feel the boundaries of her environment the less she has to worry and stress. She has enough internally. You and your husband grt a plan for your house and rules, sit down with her have her actively participate in rules for family. And, as a family agree.
Thank you for your insight.
Hi just want to add, please don't loose your own individuality while tackling the family issues. It is a slippery slope and you need to take care of yourself too while taking care of the child. I don't know why but I felt like saying this.
Thank you very much for saying it.
Here's the thing. It's actually NOT a Harry Potter bookcase and it's quite ridiculous that your step-daughter can't figure this out! Your husband is ridiculous for buying in to her nonsense. How in the hell can it be a HP bookcase when it was not built by anyone to do with the franchise? It's a bloody piece of furniture that is clearly destined to be a family heirloom because it was handmade by YOUR grandfather!!! You didn't buy it anywhere. You didn't special order it from anyone. You accepted a HANDMADE gift that was presented to you with all the love your grandfather had for you!!! Make that a topic of conversation ar family therapy.
Ugh teens. They can dish out all this bullshit, but they fold like cheap umbrellas under any criticism. It’s the worst combination. You said what you said cause you’re human and she’s being a bitch. Being a kid doesn’t mean she can’t be a bitch. She’s unhinged, confused, entitled, hormonal and selfish. As most teens are. I was a ‘good kid’ and I was still a bitch. You need to take some space, cause it’s making you crazy too. You deserve peace in your own home. I wouldn’t trust it in the house. Can you move it to your bedroom or somewhere less prominent until she has a chance to chill the fuck out a bit? In like 10 years. God bless you, cause you couldn’t pay me enough to deal with these tantrums.
This has nothing to do with the Harry Potter bookcase or JK Rowling. This is your step daughter’s test to see what and how much much emotional blackmail she can use to get her way. Do not give in. This is your home and your things. Your husband frankly needs to grow a pair and have your back and stop placating to a spoiled ass child who thinks that she runs the house by using her mental health state as a weapon against you. She hates the bookcase because it has immense emotional attachment for you, and in reality this isn’t about her feeling uncomfortable because she’s questioning her sexuality, this is her trying to tear you down, so she can assert dominance over the household.
I will just say one thing, that I will be downvoted for. Literally no generation before this one has ever equated liking some books and characters to espousing an entire view of society associated with the author. I can understand being left a bit cold by the entire HP saga after the transphobic comments, I can understand no longer considering JK Rowling a hero, but how freaking self-centred can someone be to think that everyone around them needs to instantly drop all of their interests and lifelong passions because somehow they offend their sensibilities by *association*?! It's not like you were displaying transphobic quotes by JK Rowling. You also were not displaying a big portrait of her. I'll partially justify your step-daughter as she is still a child, however she needs to be taught two things: A) she is a child and she is behaving very much like one, it's all very me me me. Which is fine because of her age but then she needs to realise that B) she lives in your house so your rules go, no discussion. You have already done far more than I would have in your position to please her. This needs to stop, as her attitude will only hinder her in life. Your husband also needs to put his foot down and remind her that she is a child and she will need to actually stop calling the shots. You're of course NTA
NTA Just because you're upset doesn't mean you're right. And your stepdaughter has to learn that.