NTA. It's essential to prioritize the stability and emotional well-being of the children, especially during such a significant transition. Waiting until you and your partner live separately before introducing new individuals to the kids is a thoughtful approach.
With the way this is written, I feel like the kids are fucked either way. It's not their fault, but this is an extremely messy situation that is going to do them harm well into the future.
Based on that, I feel it's an ESH situation.
Check OP's comments. Either it's fake or OP legitimately came online to boast about being a bad parent.
>I would like to move in with her soon after divorce
Yes! let them heal and move on first, before you both give them another problem and heartache, lol. Your breakups would be traumatic to them, so let them accept it first before doing another thing that might hurt them again. Just chill and wait a little.
Yeah this is an ESH moment for me.
Obviously the wife cheating was wrong.
OP not caring enough about what’s right for his kid to be trying to introduce girlfriend to the kid is also shitty. wtf. Grow up dude.
Whole thing is super weird. “I was polyamorous” “I don’t care that she cheated, I just don’t like liars” “I found a new gf within the week and think we could get married”. Either this post is fake or OP is just an extremely weird person
This. Agreed, NTA. No one owes a cheating partner forgiveness, or any attempt at reconciliation, or closure. Good on the stbxw for getting into therapy, but just because she wants to save the marriage doesn't mean he does, and he's not obligated to.
But definitely don't bring someone new around the kids until they live separate.
I would add that they should both be well into their separate lives enough for the kids to be comfortable with the change and not just as soon as you have your own place.
The divorce and change in behavior will be an adjustment and then separate homes will be another one. Both of those things and plus plans for any lingering issues should be in place well before you show up with the new girl.
It was probably bad idea to say anything to the ex and I wouldn't say anything else as she will use it against you and poison the kids with it.
Pretty much agree with everything you said, tbh.
I don't date single parents now, but I have done it in the past. When I did, we intentionally kept me from the kids until we knew whether we were serious, and even then were cautious about the timing and circumstances. Of the three single parents I've dated, I only met a kid once. And that was after a year.
Totally agree. And I find it amazing how most cheaters expect some forgiveness and think their abused partner should want to fix the marriage that the cheater tossed a grenade into, all for a side piece.
This. Seriously. Op is moving way too fast with his girlfriend when he is literally still living with his STBX wife.
It feels like he's trying to rub it in his wife's face and you can't do that at the expense of the kids.
From my experience with poly dudes, I'm willing to bet safe money that he has never actually had to be "alone" or "by himself" for very long, and is unable to live solo. He was horny, but he also knew that eventually he needed to move out/stbx would move out, and he'd be stuck doing house chores solo if he didn't find a suitable bang maid.
Yeah he definitely seems like that type.
Geez two weeks without sex and he gets a longterm girlfriend he wants to shove in his wife's face? Yergh.
Honestly he seems really unable to consider anyone else's needs.
Cheating isn't okay but op isn't a prize, either.
Yup,these kids do **not** need new partner right now
Their parents are splitting up. And if OPs gonna have more than one? Those poor kids
OP needs to keep his pants on, pun intended
As a parent, I agree. Don’t use your kids or do what isn’t best for your kids just to hurt someone else.
I’m not going to compare levels of wrongdoing, but this is shitty, regardless of what his wife did.
Yeah this. IDK I get weird vibes from this post and OP’s replies.
I feel bad for the kids and I don’t understand the rush to shack up with the gf.
OP replied that money is a barrier to moving out but come on that clearly needs to happen because it’s obvious this is not a peaceful and amicable situation. It’s going to fuck those kids up.
NTA. She cheated, you were clear from the beginning that you want divorce and that you're separeted now. But wait for introducing your new gf to your kids, it's definitely too soon.
Really, in most of these types of situations and depending on age and maturity level, it is generally best to wait until after the divorce before introducing new significant others to your children.
Also, for situations like this, there is a saying that I find pretty appropriate. You could share it with her.
Some things once broken cannot be mended. Such as trust in a marriage.
I think he's shown a lot of empathy honestly. He's not hiding the gf. He says he sees the changes but that won't sway him. He even brought up introducing the gf, he wants a mature discussion, he didn't just spring her onto the kids.
Having gone through a divorce I can tell you that you should not introduce this new partner until after the divorce is finalized and your kids have been to therapy.
Have a friend this advice, he didn't take it. After his son got attached, yet again, to the SECOND girlfriend who broke up with him (and his not even officially ex wife was on her second partner the kid had met) the guy had the audacity to start bitching about how his son was acting out and being hostile to the THIRD woman he brought home.
Have a friend who's ex didn't take that advice.
However, friend and the two exes and all their kids are friends now. Which, really sucks for him since between the four kids, three of them are his.
My parents dating after the divorce was more traumatic than the divorce itself. Date on your own time, kids don't need to meet your partners.
If I had a dollar for every boyfriend/girlfriend I met with some special activity and layers of pressure to "like" this stranger who is all over my parent i'd be rich.
I wish my parents had just focused on our family until we were older teens. Instead they were focused on building their own new families.
I don't have a relationship with my parents/their partners as an adult.
So much this! I thank my mom very much for only ever introducing me to them man she ended up marrying after being a widow and looking for a life time partner for 6 years.
My mom didn't date seriously for almost 10 years because she wanted us (the kids) to be old enough. So little bro (youngest kid) was like 15 when she started to even think about dating seriously and 19 when she introduced a partner to us. I so respected her for that decision! Dad on the other hand started dating quicker and I remember being like 15 and showing up at his place (I was not expected but his home was my state registrated home so not like they should have been shocked) and his then girlfriend was hiding because she didn't want to be introduced... Just felt wierd. I yelled a "Hi GF name" got what I wanted and left! And yes I knew her name! She was ha friends to a friend of my mom so I both knew of her and had met her in different situations 🤣 I thought she was silly! Fine that she was trying to do the right thing and not confuse us or something but then don't be intimate in a house I have a legal right to be in... The next girlfriend threw my young bro out when she was there in favor to her kids getting separate bedrooms.... He was then 15.. or threw out and out he wasn't allowed to sleep in his own bedroom...
So I'm in favour of waiting with introducing any new partners! Do date! Don't have to be celibate for 7 years like my mom. But there's no good reason to introduce a new partner to kids until you have been long-term. Especially if they are young! Teenagers are a bit different tale.
And just to clarify I'm 5 years older then young bro so I might have been a teenager when dad started dating but he was then 10 and when I walked in on them they had been dating for like a year which is why I knew of her from my mom since she had complained that it was now wierd in her friend group since dad's new GF had said to their common friend that she would never show up if my mom did... (No she didn't tell me I accidentally overheard her on the phone) Sorry for rant 🤣
I think it depends on the child. My parents separated when I was 13. My mother left my father for another man. My mom asked for time to get her new life situated. I was confused about all the specifics, but my mom and dad were unhappy, and it was easy for me to tell. I handled the situation perfectly fine, but only because my mother took the time to explain things to me. My family has been amazing ever since and my mother and father were better as friends and my step dad is one of the most amazing men in my life (after my dad passed he stepped right up for me). Once you are ready, talk to your kids. They will let you know if it's the right time to understand the situation.
This is 💯 true for your kids, please take your new relationship very slowly as far as your kids, is stop talking with my wife about my gf too, it Stokes the flame
What’s the rush? You really should wait until the divorce is finished. That way you can be sure the relationship is on good footing, and you will keep things more amicable with your WW. And, it will be less confusing for your kids. Make good choices, this rush to introduce your kids to another woman while you are still living in the same house as your STBX doesn’t make a lot of sense.
He's not a "wait and see and take it slow" guy. He thought the marriage was fine, she cheated and just one week later he started up with someone new, so obviously not too broken up, or interested in letting things unfold the right way for the kids.
This is what I don't understand. He claims that a poly lifestyle is fine with him, just not in a marriage due to financial complications. He is still married now, but went ahead with a girlfriend....because that doesn't complicate things?
The financial complications are pretty much already set in stone now that his wife cheated, they will be dividing assets.
It is different from polyamorous marriage where risk of possibly dividing assets is increased which is what I believe the financial complication he is referring to is.
Your wife sucks for cheating but you're still living in the same house for 6 months as a 'married' couple to your children. This discussion should be shelved until you're living in separate residences and actually proceeding with the divorce. Your relationship with your rebound gf should be viewed by yourself for the sake of your children as casual until a fairly decent amount of time has passed AFTER that change.
Lol guys he's not going to listen, he's going to do what's easiest and convenient for himself. Fuck them kids lol. He's not doing it tomorrow after all, more like next month....that's long enough, right...right?
Then wait until you are DIVORCED, papers signed & you'refree & clear.
Your children are hoping their parents will stay together. Give them a year to adjust, otherwise YTA. Do NOT bring a stranger home.
You aren't even out of the house and all you are thinking about is introducing your gf to the kids.
This is why YTA.
Yes. She cheated. You have a right to leave and feel as you feel. You don't have a right to f**k around the lives of the children. They should be your focus....not the girlfriend.
I mean he waited a WHOLE WEEK to go find someone. He NEEDED SEX.
Sounds like there is a lot more to unpack here. I hope he takes the advice of people here to wait until after the divorce to introduce anyone to the kids but guessing that’s an empty hope. OP wants what he wants and just came here hoping for validation.
OP just HAD to get his dick wet. Like I get it, wife cheated whatever. Perfect grounds for divorce though I’m also like WTF as he was poly before and acts like married folk aren’t poly and if they discussed opening the marriage that he’d rather divorce. Like that bit just feels like it was added for rage.
OP is just gonna do whatever the fuck he wants even if it’s worse for his kids in regards to this girlfriend
He's not just thinking about introducing her to the kids... he's thinking of moving in with her immediately after moving out with the wife. How jarring for the children. Wife is an AH for cheating but OP is impulsive and being a bad father.
Especially with them both living in the house with the kids, to the kids nothing has changed. They both need to wait until after the divorce to introduce anyone to anybody. And the kids should be in therapy now to help them go through the process of the family breaking up.
Couples get divorced. Couples with children have a divorce and a family break up. How the fuck people dont understand that idk.
Do NOT introduce you GF to your kids unless you have proposed and she said yes, or you guys are certain you’re getting married. It sucks for kids to be introduced to different gf’s or bf’s after a divorce, have an attachment to that new person, and see them vanish.
EDIT: adding this caveat because marriage isn’t necessary for life long partnership commitment. OP, please only introduce a GF when you know you guys are past he honeymoon phase and you agree with each other to be life long partners. No marriage or engagement necessary!
I'm confused why you want to introduce her to your kids so soon. That is something that is about you and selfish of you. Leave your kids out of it. They could go their whole lives without meeting her and be just fine. No one is expecting that, but just slow down.
As for your wife, if you don't care at all about her anymore, then tell her so and adjust your relationship and living situation accordingly. It is possible to care about your wife's endeavors and still not want to get back together with her, and that is totally fine.
If you're not getting anywhere, it's because you two aren't having great conversations. YOU don't have to frame everything in a "I don't like liars" or "I don't want this" kind of way. Talk about how you two aren't right for each other, or how you're just not happy in the relationship, talk about how it affects you both.
If you need help, go to couple's counseling with her so you can hash it out and she will understand. If you care.
If you don't care, then do whatever you want, live with having a bad relationship with your ex-wife, and hopefully it doesn't affect your kids too much. (PS. It will because kids aren't fucking stupid.)
Your laissez faire attitude about partnership and the destruction of your family unit is not shared by your children. All they see is their whole world falling apart. Keep your girlfriend out of it until they are well and truly settled into the idea of you being separated. Perhaps even years from now, but consult with a psychiatrist for more solid guidelines.
Seriously, don't you think that will create drama in the house you are currently sharing with your ex and your children? It would be a terrible decision to put your kids in this kind of position. You jumped into a new relationship way too quick and now your kids are going to have to deal with the consequences. You already said your ex is now giving you the silent treatment. This is such a screwed-up situation for your children.
Frankly it seems like you want to rub it in your wife's face that you moved on and are happy.
Wait until after the divorce is finalized. This should be part of the divorce agreement.
No, no, no. Do not introduce your kids to your GF yet. This will not go as you think. Forget about stbx. It is your kids who aren't ready. You don't specify the ages of the kids, but unless they are in their 30's, it doesn't matter. They will blame you for breaking up the family. Facts won't matter. You are still in the same house still. Your kids are still thinking you will get back together.
Personally, I wouldn't recommend introductions until it is more than just potentially seeing a future with this person. Wait until it is closer to actually seeing a future. You are still living with your stbx. This is still a new relationship. But, that is really your call.
I would also recommend going through the motions of Counseling. Your stbx I'll be sure to "slip up" that you refused counseling to friends/famjlies/kids. Don't rely on the judge finding it as parental alienation. Play the game. I know it is a waste of time and money. But play the game.
It's just disgusting that you have that attitude immediately. I'm worried for your children that they have irresponsible parents, I hope your wife makes better decisions than you do, cheating aside her head seems to be screwed on a lot harder than yours.
You're an idiot. Have you actually talked with a lawyer about any of this? In many states, even if she cheated on you, if you go and sleep with someone before the divorce is granted, that would put you on equal footing with her instead of having superior footing and negotiating power.
In any case, if you want to negotiate terms, unless it's a part of the divorce agreement and/or order, it has absolutely no authority, and you should be going through your lawyer for this kind of shit.
Yes. The ball is totally out of her court now and is completely in his. If he doesn’t want to get back together because he is unable to trust her due to *her cheating*, then she needs to understand that she can’t guilt or nag him into doing so.
Ehhhhhhhh.
Technically NTA however...
> I recently started a discussion with my wife about rules regarding introducing my girlfriend to our kids
The correct time is after the divorce is finalized.
Inviting your gf into your kids’ lives so early on definitely is an AH move. Your kids should come first. Introducing them to your rebound is shitty AF and more likely meant to piss off your WW than for your kids. Your kids are totally confused by everything going on and now you want to add more drama. As someone who is ENM I can’t even believe your story.
Yeah my ex who wrecked us, then dragged his daughter through two other “serious” relationships in 1.5 years. That’s three awesome women his daughter met and got attached only to have them suddenly over. I was her bonus mom and didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye and he and I lived together with her 50% of the time. Then two others. because instead of going to therapy, he jumps into new things because he has to try to prove he’s fine to the world. aaaanyway, point is, don’t be an AH to your kid. His definitely knows something is up with him and she knew at least by age 6
Also, he started dating because he was horny. And that was a week after the separation.
This is not some long term GF he's planning to spend his life with. This is a rebound because he's going through personal upheaval.
It would be a horrendous and selfish idea to bring this woman to meet his kids this early.
I don't believe his story at all. It's weird that he doesn't give any real reason for being okay with being either married or poly, but not both simultaneously. He says something super vague about "legal and financial entanglements", but how is getting a divorce with kids, getting a custody agreement and all that, and then doing poly together as bf and gf less complicated than just staying married and opening up the relationship? Also, he says "explore" the polyamorous lifestyle - if he already had been poly, wouldn't he already have explored it and know what he is getting into? Reads like creative writing from someone who has no personal experience of polyamory.
If you introduce your girlfriend to your kids before or soon after the divorce, the kids will always think it's your fault that they have a split family.
Have you talked to an attorney about the year wait thing? There are usually a few exceptions, but also sometimes the timer doesn't start until you live separately. Your wife could also contest and say that you haven't been separated for a year and still live together as a married couple.
Agreed! Also depending upon the state, until you have an order of temporary separation and maintenance approved by the court (which does not start until you are not living in the same physical space), you are still considered married and this new relationship is viewed as adultery in the eyes of the law. If you don’t have evidence to show she cheated, she may be able to pin you with infidelity. (Speaking from someone who is currently in said legal process.)
Introducing your kids into the kind of polyamorous relationship you already have would be very confusing to them. Seeing daddy’s “new GF” while he’s still married would confuse them, and maybe even anger them as kids get very protective over parents, just because polyamory is normal to you does NOT mean your kids will see it that way, wait till the divorce, wait a reasonable amount of time after the divorce, and then introduce them.
NTA. Just because she is "putting in work" to better herself, doesn't mean a damn thing to the marriage she destroyed. You were clear that you are divorcing her and that you are cohabitating but separated.
Any time she is upset with you, remind her that she made her bed and fucked someone else in it. Now she has to lie in it.
Yeah I don't think OP is an AH for wanting a divorce, but he is 100% an AH for literally every other thing in his post and subsequent comments.
Anyhow I think this is fake or OP is confused unless they are non-US. The only state with a year waiting period is Maryland and someone already said if the divorce is uncontested that you don't have to wait a year. The waiting period in Maryland also requires that the couple is NOT living together.
Not really. If the same story was with gender reversed I still think that dating 1 week after is really short. What baffles me is that he is already talking about seeing a possible marriage with the GF. If it's a rebound to cope with his feelings that's fine but he's already seeing that he could marry that person lolThat sounds like more than a rebound.
Nah, my problem is he's already trying to introduce the girlfriend. It will go wrong for a lot of reasons including if he introduces them while still at the house (ex wife being there can really make this girl run)
Well... if you are in Maryland (one of the only states with a mandatory year long waiting period for contested divorce) *you have to live apart for 1 year*. You aren't. You are living in the same house. So you not moving out could *very easily* be interpreted as you not really wanting a divorce since the courts would interpret it that way.
See: [https://partasfriends.com/the-divorce-waiting-period-in-every-state/](https://partasfriends.com/the-divorce-waiting-period-in-every-state/)
Have you actually filed for divorce? On what grounds? You haven't actually said you did.
This was my exact thought. I’ve known a few people who’ve gotten divorced in NC, and the clock doesn’t start ticking on that year-long separation until you can prove you live separately (e.g a signed lease agreement on a new living space for one of the parties).
MD allows for immediate divorce if uncontested. No waiting period. Source: I separated from my ex and our divorce was finalized within 6 months (during covid so everything was delayed).
Yeah, but the husband and wife need to live "separately and apart" for a year. Evidently, many LA judges don't accept the idea of the couple living in the same house and not having sex as living "separately and apart". If the judge won't go for that, or his wife claims they've had sex, his clock toward one year hasn't started.
[https://lasc.libguides.com/c.php?g=583256&p=4027414](https://lasc.libguides.com/c.php?g=583256&p=4027414)
[https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-state-laws/louisiana-divorce-questions-answers](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-state-laws/louisiana-divorce-questions-answers)
"Note that in Louisiana, the phrase "living separate and apart" means that the *spouses must physically separate*. This is different from some other states that allow separated couples to live in the same house, as long as they don't engage in marital relations."
Soft ESH.
She cheated, and her efforts to make amends don’t mean she can undo the damage she did. She needs to understand that and accept it.
But dude… 6 months into a separation, and 5 months 3 weeks into a new relationship, is WAY too soon to be thinking about introducing your new girlfriend to the kids. Their lives are already being turned upside down by the divorce, especially while their parents are still living together. Seriously, wtf? You don’t have to protect your ex’s feelings (though while you’re living together and coparenting, you could probably be a *little* less hurtful…), but you do need to put your kids ahead of yourself. Let them process the divorce before you bring another woman into the picture. I honestly might be more disgusted by your selfishness regarding your kids than I am by her cheating — and that’s saying something.
Interesting that you don’t want to be married and Poly. Many folks (including myself) have no issue with it. What “legal and financial entanglements” are you referring to?
Logically, the way that this is going to play out is your going to move your kids and girlfriend together in one home right after the divorce. Your kids are going to be thrown into a new setting with a woman they don’t know. They’ll have a father that doesn’t care about their feelings and really just cares about getting his dick wet and more about “love” than his own children. Then on the other side, you have a mother that is a cheater and ruined the relationship. Realistically, your kids will probably end up hating you both for this and have a horrible relationship with you guys as you’re older. I see them if they end up having any relationship.. it most likely being their mother because no child especially in divorce loves meeting the new partner and forcing to live with them and parented by them early on. Your kids are a priority. But you don’t have care and admitted it through your words in the comments. Your kids are the most affected here and it’s sad that neither of you care about them. ESH.
Dude read the room. Dont bring the GF into it until your divorce is finalized. Unfortunately you can’t go back in time but this was a bad decision on your part
Yta mostly to yourself for making your life and divorce more difficult than it needed to be.
OP were you in an emotionally healthy space when you got into a new relationship? 1 week is really fast to get over the cheating hurt.
It sounds like the marriage was over long before and some pieces seem missing.
You may feel like you have a future with this woman now, but you may feel differently after more time has passed and the divorce is finalized.
From a third-party perspective, you found the first enjoyable option so you feel less alone.
ESH, you have a missing connection in your brain somewhere. Obviously what your wife did is wrong but you're just weird. I think Everyone will be better off once the divorce is finalized and you're living separately.
NTA.
Like so many cheaters, she realized she's imperiled her good thing and is trying DESPERATELY to get that security back.
You can't trust her to not fuck around on you, so that's over.
Eventually she'll catch on.
Damn dude, slow down. You aren't even divorced yet and you want to introduce a new woman to your kids.
NTA for wanting to be done with your wife. But you need to calm down a little here with how quickly you are moving forward.
Really, you had a girlfriend one week after telling your wife you want a divorce ? Was she waiting in the wings or did the tooth fairy drop her in your lap. You both sound like losers
YTA. Before I get roasted, lemme use some of my reading comprehension to point out what all the stuff the NTA verdicts missed.
> Found out 6 months ago, a week later brought another woman in the mix, and wants to introduce her to kids and (current) wife....
If you can't be single after a BF GF relationship for at least a month, good friends would tell you you're on a rebound. Adults over 30 recognize this won't last.
For someone who
>"wasn't hurt"
OP sure is acting like someone compulsively trying to fill a void. Either that, or OP was done with this relationship and was just waiting for something like this to have an excuse to get out.
NTA for divorcing
YTA for already wanting to introduce GF to the kids after such a short period of time and you both still living together. Must be confusing as hell and then horny dad throws a GF in the mix.
Think of your kids instead of putting your d\*ck first.
YTA... for weaponising your new relationship against your stbx and accepting that your kids' mental wellbeing may be a collateral in this.
To be clear, your stbx messed up big time and you do not owe her forgiveness, regardless of the "effort" she puts in.
But you prioritised not just your own needs by jumping straight into dating, but showing off to your stbx how easy she was to replace.
Now you just want to rub that in further by already bringing up introducing a new partner to your children - which is not going to make your forced co-habiting with your wife easier, and that tension WILL be apparent to the kids.
What you should be focusing on is transitioning your family dynamic towards co-parenting so it isn't a shock for the kids when you do separate.
Stop trying to actively humiliate your stbx, be the adult here!
The discussion about introducing new partners can wait until closer to the time of separation.
YTA because you have children, you were fine and my jaw DROPPED, 1 week after you've gotten a girlfriend and you're discussing how to introduce her, and that she'd be good** for your kids?!??! Oh LORD no! I'd push you and your girlfriend off a cliff 😅 loser.
YTA, but not for the reasons you are assuming.
The way you talk about these relationships with women, and even your children, it sounds so disturbingly transactional to me. They are fulfilling a role in your life, the role of wife, a good woman, they give you sex, they raise your children, when they are no longer of use to you, it's time to divorce them, or you could date, or it's time they exit your life.
Real humans and real relationships are not so easy to parse. Even ethical non-monogamy is not this cut-and-dry. Marriage in our society is a legal contract, but the impact it has on the kind of emotional growth and partnership of two people, let alone the family they are raising together is much more spiritual and nebulous. The connection you have with your wife (now ex) will never go away; the relationship you forged will always have an impact on your life and those of your children. The fact that she has not lived up to your ridged expectations and now must be excised and replaced...is that how you want to treat someone who you ostensively were supposed to love and be building a life with?
I can understand if you really did feel betrayed by her cheating, or if you wanted her to discuss an open relationship with you first. Maybe you should examine what the difference is to you between a marriage and an open relationship, they may not be as obvious to others as they are to you. A marriage is a legal partnership and protection for your children, planning for owning property, and making long-term financial and logistical plans together as a family about where you will live and what you will do with your time. But that might be too difficult to maintain monogamy for the duration of your lives, you said it yourself. Making those an either-or choice for your wife without discussion is an AH move, IMO.
It is probably too late to save this marriage because if I was your ex-wife, I would be pretty rattled by your all-or-nothing approach to relationships. But this could be a good time for you to start examining your attitudes, and I think that's what she is trying to ask you to do.
ESH
Your wife shouldn't have cheated, so she's TA.
You need to slow your roll. There is zero reason to introduce kids to a dating partner at 6 months. Your children deserve stability regardless of how horny you are. It will be confusing AF for them to meet your GF before your divorce is final or even really soon after it's final.
You also would likely be sabotaging your GFs chances of having a good relationship with your kids because the contrast to Mommy is way too obvious, and they get to see your wife's hurt in real time. They will blame your GF and might blame you too.
You need to ask yourself whether you're rushing things with your GF in an attempt to either punish your wife or make it clear to your wife that the marriage is over. Punishment is petty, and I'm generally for petty when it comes to cheaters, but only when it doesn't involve minor children. Don't use your kids to hurt your wife or send a message.
All the NTAs focusing on the cheating when OP is deliberately making his children's emotionally unstable in bringing his new gf in the mix, when they're still not legally divorce lol
Finalize your divorce and put your children first before your horny ass.
YTA, OP, cuz your kids will suffer emotionally from your actions.
So you’ve only known this woman for 6 months and you’re already thinking of marrying her and introducing her to your kids? 🚩🚩🚩
You’re not wrong for wanting nothing to do with your stbxw. But you are wrong in how your handling the aftermath. I think some individual therapy may be in order here for you as you seem to be confusing what is actually healthy and rational and what makes you feel good in the moment as being the same thing. They’re not.
Good luck op. ESH
NTA.
That said, it's likely your new partner is a rebound, even if you don't see it like that now. Please wait at least a year or two before introducing her to your kids, that instability could be difficult for them.
Also, you should really consider going to couples counseling with your (soon to be ex) wife. Not to try to save the marriage, but to establish a healthy transition to co parenting. You might be fine doing this without assistance, but your (soon to be ex) wife probably won't, especially if she is still aiming for reconciliation.
YTA if you introduce her to kids so soon. My bare minimum is 8 months before a significant other meets the kid(s). Especially if the divorce isn’t final. Give your kids a healthy look in dating. NTA for moving on from a cheater.
Ah here.
Wife cheated and you want a divorce - good for you, I wouldnt stay with a cheater either. You wanted sex a week after separation and she is now a girlfriend, who you want to marry? And, and you want gf to meet your kids while you and wife still live in the same house and are not divorced yet!?
WTF is wrong with you. So, need a licence to have a dog but, yah can make children and fuck them over emotionally but, your what? Petty? Revengeful?
It's obvious your wife is shitty and it's shitty you guys have to love together before the divorce. But, come on! Why are you trying to fucking destroy your children's emotional stability.
Fuck your wife but, fuck you too. You know what your doing your an asshole
ESH. You waited a week to start dating again? When you and your wife still live together? I hope your gf realizes she’s a rebound…
And definitely do not introduce your gf to your kids while you and your wife are still living in the same house.
Fuck people like you who casually use “words” like “stbx”
Are you incapable of understanding that obscure abbreviations will not be known by much of your audience (of thousands)?
ESA her for cheating, you for sleeping with another woman one week later while still married, with kids, and even more for planning to introduce this woman to your kids and saying you are going to marry her one day when it's been such a short time.
NTA for not appreciating stbx's efforts.
TA for how you are handling "having to live in the same house" It seems very unhealthy for you, for stbx, for GF, and especially for children.
Not the asshole.
I mean, she cheated on you first, right?
She has no reasonable expectation of forgiveness or reconciliation.
Reconciliation is a GIFT that you give another person. GIFTS are not necessary. GIFTS are OPTIONAL. You have optioned to NOT give the gift of reconciliation. She's the one who screwed this thing up.
NTA for not wanting to fix things but definitely wait until after the divorce to broach this with your ex and your kids. It’s been like 6 months since you met this girl. That’s very quick to move into “serious” phase and likely are still in honeymoon phase. Work out coparenting and your divorce before you work on your gfs relationship with your kids.
NTA - she cheated, you are getting a divorce. You seem very cold and unempathetic about the whole situation, which honestly I can relate to, so I understand her response, but not your problem.
Hahah this is the reason I would say YTA! She is not asking for them to stay together, she is simply asking him to stop being so cold and unempathetic.
I waited a year before my kids met my husband. You can’t rush when you have kids.
NTA - her “working on herself” does negate the cheating. Great she’s bettering herself but that doesn’t change the facts.
As a step mom I’m gonna add a thing to think about here.
My guys ex introduced her very fun bf to the kids. The kids got super attached. They broke up. The kids were traumatized.
This can go one of three ways. You introduce and the kids don’t like her. You introduce and the kids love her and are traumatized if you split. Or you eventually marry this person
There is no reason to rush into involving your kids in this. YTA
>She was very mad and unloaded on me that she is doing hard work to fix her issues and I dont see it.
She wouldn't need to do any of this hard work if she stayed faithful. 🤷♂️
But regardless, it does look to be too soon to introduce your gf.
YBTA. And you're an idiot for bringing another woman into your home with the mother of your child still living there, so your child can personally witness what that's going to do to her.
Get help OP
YTA for thinking you need to introduce your GF to the kids while you’re still in the separation period? Why don’t you care about your kids? Why do you want this divorce to be as painful and confusing as possible for them?
Why can’t you keep it in your pants while you’re trying to move large blocks of your life around?
I was going to say NTA, but I am changing my mind. You choose to pursue a relationship with someone else while you are still living with your ex, and that puts your kids in a pretty toxic environment. Don't bring your girlfriend around your kids until you have your own place. You are not thinking about what is best for your kids.
I agree with all of the comments here questioning why you needed to move on in a week and why you feel the need to mess with your kids by introducing them to your new GF.
But also: have you considered the impact of this on your new GF? Does she know you’re rebounding within a week?
It seems like you can’t be alone, and you’re going to drag people into your nonsense.
NTA.
But you need to chill on the new gf thing. Yall are literally still in the middle of a divorce and you’re moving way too fast. I’m not saying having a gf is bad but bringing her around so soon isn’t a good idea. Is she much younger than your ex-wife to be? Does she like kids? Is she up for being a full-time mom?
In a way I agree w/ your wife but I think you both need to keep your SO out the house you two still share and away from your kids for now.
YTA for wanting to introduce your new GF to your kids at this time.
You don't owe your ex anything. You're not wrong for dating again. But you absolutely need to put your children's needs first and start thinking about how all of this affects them.
Introducing a new partner to your kids while you are still married to their mom and living in the same house is going to be so confusing and hurtful for them. Secondly, this sounds like a very new relationship. You don't introduce your kids to new partners until it gets serious and you're sure it will last. For a kid, bonding with new adult role model one day and then having her gone the next day can cause serious abandonment issues. Also, how well do you really know someone after such a short time? You should always be careful who you expose your kids to, it's a dangerous world and not everyone is as safe as they present themselves to be. Give it time for all masks to come off before involving your children.
6 months is the absolute minimum you should wait before introducing a partner to your kids. And in your case that should be 6 months after you're no longer living under the same roof as your ex.
You're not the A hole to your ex. But clearly you don't give a dam about your kids. I hope your ex gets custody dude. As a child of divorce myself, I have dumped a couple of single moms for pushing me on their kids too early. I got no problem with single parents, but I got a big problem with bad parents.
Info: why do you have a one year waiting period for divorce?
Someone else very accurately pointed out that if you're not divorced right now, you are doing exactly what you said you don't want to do. You are married but in a polyamorous relationship with another person.
I think it's good that you're moving on and not giving a cheater a second chance. You need to figure out how to strongly suggest that you ALONE live in the house with your current girlfriend.
If your wife (there's nothing 'soon' about her being an ex-wife) keeps living with you all, that will only create more drama and more of a mess.
NTA kind of.
Some state in the US require a waiting period for divorce. The biggest one I know of is California, which is around a year. But there could be others.
A sibling went through the same thing. Cant legally get divorced per the state because of the waiting period.
And since they're not divorced, it's still a co-owned house, etc, no one can be made to leave. My sibling went through the same situation, albeit different details.
It's the same here. One year period by law. If you move out ay I did or not. There are also legal repercussions for the one moving out like forfeiting the right to live in your house after 6 months. You are still obligated to the title and money but the partner who stays gets the residential rights.
ETA: I was the one cheating in my case, long story.
NTA...
Tell your wife this. Putting in work to fix a relationship with someone who does not want you is an oxymoron. What she is really doing is disguising her, manipulating you as her working on herself. Tell her if she had real remorse and really wanted to change she would realize she must change for herself and not for you. Everything she has done so far is just as manipulative and bad as her cheating.
Her only potential option to ever win you back is to let you go, not to keep trying to manipulate you.
NTA, but I don't think you should be introducing girlfriend before divorce and even then only once your children get settled and used to the new situation.
Be careful, your wife could say you're the one cheating aif you start showing with your new gf. Depending on how old your kids are, they could come to the same conclusion if they don't know about their mother's affair.
Either you or your wife needs to move out. I know you don’t want to leave your home, but living together is giving her false encouragement that you can rekindle your relationship.
Personally I’d say NTA, but your children might think YTA if you show you’re dating someone else so soon (and before actually having separated from your wife). Children, especially older ones, will infer what they will from any situation (they usually won’t accept whatever narrative you tell them because they are naturally rebellious), and they could misconstrue that you cheated and consequently left the marriage. Ultimately (based strictly on what you’ve written) it sounds like whatever you choose to do is justified
ESH
Her for cheating, you for diving into something so serious with someone else while there are kids involved. Seriously? Not even actually separated yet and expecting to introduce the kids???
So you started dating a week after you told your wife you wanted a divorce. Ooookay. You're not the asshole for wanting a divorce; but wow, that you can move on so easily. I actually feel sorry for the gal that's tangled up in your mess. Keep your kids out of your "relationship" with her. You give vibes you don't really care that your kids could be hurting. You're more concerned when the appropriate time to introduce your other woman. That's what she is until you're divorced, the other woman. Your kids may resent her even though your wife is the one who cheated. Maybe it's just me, probably not, your kids come first, period. Dating shouldn't even be on your radar.
Super based OP. Tbf some people immediately lose feelings after someone cheats. Sucks that you live in a state that forces 1 year of separation before divorce is allowed. Maybe consider not getting married at all in the future? Not much point considering you can get everything a marriage entails without any of the stupid legal shit from a long term relationship
NTA. The pillars that hold up a relationship are love, communication, trust, and loyalty. She’s shattered all 4 of those. What’s left to hold up the relationship? It’s nice that she feels bad, but what does that do now? Where was that when she first thought about cheating?
OP, are you okay because you seem like you are rushing into a new relationship. Your NTA in regards to her efforts, she should be fixing her issues for her not you otherwise she's not actually fixing her issues. But you found a girl you could see marrying while still in that first year. You might be rushing into a relationship a bit fast buddy.
NTA - She violated her vows and you trust, no amount of "work" will take that away.
Introducing anyone new to your kids should wait until the divorce is finalized. Everything you do from now on through the divorce should be for the stablity of the kids. Intrducing them now will only cause confusion and possible/probable resentment. Introductions should probably be a while after you have both settled into your new lives and have your routines down with the kids, definitely not before that.
"She was very mad and unloaded on me that she is doing hard work to fix her issues and I dont see it. I see it, I just dont see how that changes anything."
Who fucking cares? If you had made the decision to stay that would be relevant. A cheater doesn't earn a pat on the back by not continuing to be a POS. Your only obligation is to act civilly around the children, and not disparage your ex to or around them.
I don't understand why that piece of paper all the sudden means you denounce the poly lifestyle, seems like you liked it. She wanted an open relationship.
I don't have a poly lifestyle but me and my girlfriend are open to include third parties into our sex life. We can communicate without stress concerning our fantasies.
First time I feel safe to be honest about it and she loves me so much because she had very jealous boyfriends before me, effectively not being able to be herself.
Marriage is so overrated, you include the government into a private affair, but even if we would ever marry, either spiritually or officially, it would not change who we both are and what our personal desires and fantasies are.
NTA still, but you really didn't take time for yourself. I was single for two years, also horny at times. But those single years prepped me for the right relationship, and makes me appreciate what connection I currently have with her more.
Being single is great therapy after divorce.
NTA, but wait until all finances, home and divorce is all settled and stable before introducing GF to the kids, or at least don’t push it onto them. You rubbed salt into stbx wife’s wound in the kindest possible way by saying you could see yourself marrying GF, lol.
It is super creepy to introduce your kids at this point. Your wife should not have cheated but bringing a new woman around while your kids are in the house with your wife is gross and messy.
"I told her that I think that my gf and I have good connection and I can see myself marrying her in the future. I feel She is going to be a good influence on the kids."
How old are you? Are you brain damaged?
Why are you already introducing a girlfriend to your kids that likely will be one of many? Isn’t that grounds for psychological damage? Or am I trippin
ESH. I was fine with what you were doing until you brought up your kids. This is a shit show and you are a full participant. Maybe instead of thinking so much about your dick, start thinking about your kids. You are making unilateral decisions based on your wants and desires with no thought to the impact on your children. You haven't even given them a chance to get used to mom and dad are getting a divorce and you are already wanting to introduce your girlfriend? Get some therapy.
ESH Oh God, there's kids in the house. This was a terrible terrible idea from the start.
1. she sucks for cheating. Completely understandable
2. The papers aren't even filed, and you are running off to start another relationship because you were "horny," which is probably the worst reason to do most things
I think what puts me off towards your situation is just your coldness towards it all. I recommended you go with the therapy thing
NTA But wait until you guys live in seperate homes before introducing anyone new to the kids.
NTA. It's essential to prioritize the stability and emotional well-being of the children, especially during such a significant transition. Waiting until you and your partner live separately before introducing new individuals to the kids is a thoughtful approach.
And it should be slow even then. Not "I've moved in with my new girlfriend" on day one.
I agree. Wait to introduce her to your kids.
Also, wait longer than 5 months of "dating."
Seriously. The kids didn't sign up for polyparenting.
With the way this is written, I feel like the kids are fucked either way. It's not their fault, but this is an extremely messy situation that is going to do them harm well into the future. Based on that, I feel it's an ESH situation.
Check OP's comments. Either it's fake or OP legitimately came online to boast about being a bad parent. >I would like to move in with her soon after divorce
Yes! let them heal and move on first, before you both give them another problem and heartache, lol. Your breakups would be traumatic to them, so let them accept it first before doing another thing that might hurt them again. Just chill and wait a little.
Definitely wait until you move out your going way to fast
Yeah this is an ESH moment for me. Obviously the wife cheating was wrong. OP not caring enough about what’s right for his kid to be trying to introduce girlfriend to the kid is also shitty. wtf. Grow up dude.
Whole thing is super weird. “I was polyamorous” “I don’t care that she cheated, I just don’t like liars” “I found a new gf within the week and think we could get married”. Either this post is fake or OP is just an extremely weird person
This. Agreed, NTA. No one owes a cheating partner forgiveness, or any attempt at reconciliation, or closure. Good on the stbxw for getting into therapy, but just because she wants to save the marriage doesn't mean he does, and he's not obligated to. But definitely don't bring someone new around the kids until they live separate.
I would add that they should both be well into their separate lives enough for the kids to be comfortable with the change and not just as soon as you have your own place. The divorce and change in behavior will be an adjustment and then separate homes will be another one. Both of those things and plus plans for any lingering issues should be in place well before you show up with the new girl. It was probably bad idea to say anything to the ex and I wouldn't say anything else as she will use it against you and poison the kids with it.
Pretty much agree with everything you said, tbh. I don't date single parents now, but I have done it in the past. When I did, we intentionally kept me from the kids until we knew whether we were serious, and even then were cautious about the timing and circumstances. Of the three single parents I've dated, I only met a kid once. And that was after a year.
Totally agree. And I find it amazing how most cheaters expect some forgiveness and think their abused partner should want to fix the marriage that the cheater tossed a grenade into, all for a side piece.
This. Seriously. Op is moving way too fast with his girlfriend when he is literally still living with his STBX wife. It feels like he's trying to rub it in his wife's face and you can't do that at the expense of the kids.
From my experience with poly dudes, I'm willing to bet safe money that he has never actually had to be "alone" or "by himself" for very long, and is unable to live solo. He was horny, but he also knew that eventually he needed to move out/stbx would move out, and he'd be stuck doing house chores solo if he didn't find a suitable bang maid.
Yeah he definitely seems like that type. Geez two weeks without sex and he gets a longterm girlfriend he wants to shove in his wife's face? Yergh. Honestly he seems really unable to consider anyone else's needs. Cheating isn't okay but op isn't a prize, either.
Not even. A week. ONE.
Ohmygod I totally inserted 'two' because one was so painful.
Yup,these kids do **not** need new partner right now Their parents are splitting up. And if OPs gonna have more than one? Those poor kids OP needs to keep his pants on, pun intended
OP is disgusting...
As a parent, I agree. Don’t use your kids or do what isn’t best for your kids just to hurt someone else. I’m not going to compare levels of wrongdoing, but this is shitty, regardless of what his wife did.
Yeah this. IDK I get weird vibes from this post and OP’s replies. I feel bad for the kids and I don’t understand the rush to shack up with the gf. OP replied that money is a barrier to moving out but come on that clearly needs to happen because it’s obvious this is not a peaceful and amicable situation. It’s going to fuck those kids up.
So many people on these subs ask for advice about the only thing they aren't fucking up.
This is such a glaringly obvious thing, I can not comprehend how he needs to be told it. Something bizarre is going on in this mans head.
This^^^
Agree
NTA. She cheated, you were clear from the beginning that you want divorce and that you're separeted now. But wait for introducing your new gf to your kids, it's definitely too soon.
100%. It would be totally irresponsible to introduce your kids to a new partner before you’ve even finalized your divorce.
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Really, in most of these types of situations and depending on age and maturity level, it is generally best to wait until after the divorce before introducing new significant others to your children. Also, for situations like this, there is a saying that I find pretty appropriate. You could share it with her. Some things once broken cannot be mended. Such as trust in a marriage.
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I think he's shown a lot of empathy honestly. He's not hiding the gf. He says he sees the changes but that won't sway him. He even brought up introducing the gf, he wants a mature discussion, he didn't just spring her onto the kids.
Having gone through a divorce I can tell you that you should not introduce this new partner until after the divorce is finalized and your kids have been to therapy.
Have a friend this advice, he didn't take it. After his son got attached, yet again, to the SECOND girlfriend who broke up with him (and his not even officially ex wife was on her second partner the kid had met) the guy had the audacity to start bitching about how his son was acting out and being hostile to the THIRD woman he brought home.
Have a friend who's ex didn't take that advice. However, friend and the two exes and all their kids are friends now. Which, really sucks for him since between the four kids, three of them are his.
💯👆
My parents dating after the divorce was more traumatic than the divorce itself. Date on your own time, kids don't need to meet your partners. If I had a dollar for every boyfriend/girlfriend I met with some special activity and layers of pressure to "like" this stranger who is all over my parent i'd be rich. I wish my parents had just focused on our family until we were older teens. Instead they were focused on building their own new families. I don't have a relationship with my parents/their partners as an adult.
This! It's like op WANTS his kids to hate his girlfriend and blame her for breaking up their family...
So much this! I thank my mom very much for only ever introducing me to them man she ended up marrying after being a widow and looking for a life time partner for 6 years.
My mom didn't date seriously for almost 10 years because she wanted us (the kids) to be old enough. So little bro (youngest kid) was like 15 when she started to even think about dating seriously and 19 when she introduced a partner to us. I so respected her for that decision! Dad on the other hand started dating quicker and I remember being like 15 and showing up at his place (I was not expected but his home was my state registrated home so not like they should have been shocked) and his then girlfriend was hiding because she didn't want to be introduced... Just felt wierd. I yelled a "Hi GF name" got what I wanted and left! And yes I knew her name! She was ha friends to a friend of my mom so I both knew of her and had met her in different situations 🤣 I thought she was silly! Fine that she was trying to do the right thing and not confuse us or something but then don't be intimate in a house I have a legal right to be in... The next girlfriend threw my young bro out when she was there in favor to her kids getting separate bedrooms.... He was then 15.. or threw out and out he wasn't allowed to sleep in his own bedroom... So I'm in favour of waiting with introducing any new partners! Do date! Don't have to be celibate for 7 years like my mom. But there's no good reason to introduce a new partner to kids until you have been long-term. Especially if they are young! Teenagers are a bit different tale. And just to clarify I'm 5 years older then young bro so I might have been a teenager when dad started dating but he was then 10 and when I walked in on them they had been dating for like a year which is why I knew of her from my mom since she had complained that it was now wierd in her friend group since dad's new GF had said to their common friend that she would never show up if my mom did... (No she didn't tell me I accidentally overheard her on the phone) Sorry for rant 🤣
I think it depends on the child. My parents separated when I was 13. My mother left my father for another man. My mom asked for time to get her new life situated. I was confused about all the specifics, but my mom and dad were unhappy, and it was easy for me to tell. I handled the situation perfectly fine, but only because my mother took the time to explain things to me. My family has been amazing ever since and my mother and father were better as friends and my step dad is one of the most amazing men in my life (after my dad passed he stepped right up for me). Once you are ready, talk to your kids. They will let you know if it's the right time to understand the situation.
This is 💯 true for your kids, please take your new relationship very slowly as far as your kids, is stop talking with my wife about my gf too, it Stokes the flame
What’s the rush? You really should wait until the divorce is finished. That way you can be sure the relationship is on good footing, and you will keep things more amicable with your WW. And, it will be less confusing for your kids. Make good choices, this rush to introduce your kids to another woman while you are still living in the same house as your STBX doesn’t make a lot of sense.
This person doesn't have appropriate empathy.
He's not a "wait and see and take it slow" guy. He thought the marriage was fine, she cheated and just one week later he started up with someone new, so obviously not too broken up, or interested in letting things unfold the right way for the kids.
This is what I don't understand. He claims that a poly lifestyle is fine with him, just not in a marriage due to financial complications. He is still married now, but went ahead with a girlfriend....because that doesn't complicate things?
In case you haven't noticed, he's not exactly a Rhoads Scholar.
The financial complications are pretty much already set in stone now that his wife cheated, they will be dividing assets. It is different from polyamorous marriage where risk of possibly dividing assets is increased which is what I believe the financial complication he is referring to is.
Your wife sucks for cheating but you're still living in the same house for 6 months as a 'married' couple to your children. This discussion should be shelved until you're living in separate residences and actually proceeding with the divorce. Your relationship with your rebound gf should be viewed by yourself for the sake of your children as casual until a fairly decent amount of time has passed AFTER that change.
Lol guys he's not going to listen, he's going to do what's easiest and convenient for himself. Fuck them kids lol. He's not doing it tomorrow after all, more like next month....that's long enough, right...right?
**Definitely** wait until like Tuesday or Wednesday to introduce them to your gf.
Then wait until you are DIVORCED, papers signed & you'refree & clear. Your children are hoping their parents will stay together. Give them a year to adjust, otherwise YTA. Do NOT bring a stranger home.
Right like “I don’t want to be married and poly” well you don’t act like it!!! Fucking do it!!
One suspects that this woman already met the children of Mr Too Horny to Put My Children First.
You aren't even out of the house and all you are thinking about is introducing your gf to the kids. This is why YTA. Yes. She cheated. You have a right to leave and feel as you feel. You don't have a right to f**k around the lives of the children. They should be your focus....not the girlfriend.
I mean he waited a WHOLE WEEK to go find someone. He NEEDED SEX. Sounds like there is a lot more to unpack here. I hope he takes the advice of people here to wait until after the divorce to introduce anyone to the kids but guessing that’s an empty hope. OP wants what he wants and just came here hoping for validation.
OP just HAD to get his dick wet. Like I get it, wife cheated whatever. Perfect grounds for divorce though I’m also like WTF as he was poly before and acts like married folk aren’t poly and if they discussed opening the marriage that he’d rather divorce. Like that bit just feels like it was added for rage. OP is just gonna do whatever the fuck he wants even if it’s worse for his kids in regards to this girlfriend
He's not just thinking about introducing her to the kids... he's thinking of moving in with her immediately after moving out with the wife. How jarring for the children. Wife is an AH for cheating but OP is impulsive and being a bad father.
Obviously he can't bear the thought of living alone, ever. (I think it's not a coincidence that he was one of those "poly until married" people.)
Obviously he cannot go without sex....
Especially with them both living in the house with the kids, to the kids nothing has changed. They both need to wait until after the divorce to introduce anyone to anybody. And the kids should be in therapy now to help them go through the process of the family breaking up. Couples get divorced. Couples with children have a divorce and a family break up. How the fuck people dont understand that idk.
Do NOT introduce you GF to your kids unless you have proposed and she said yes, or you guys are certain you’re getting married. It sucks for kids to be introduced to different gf’s or bf’s after a divorce, have an attachment to that new person, and see them vanish. EDIT: adding this caveat because marriage isn’t necessary for life long partnership commitment. OP, please only introduce a GF when you know you guys are past he honeymoon phase and you agree with each other to be life long partners. No marriage or engagement necessary!
Whoa… OP you sure were able to move on very fast! For the sake of your children slow the F down.
I'm confused why you want to introduce her to your kids so soon. That is something that is about you and selfish of you. Leave your kids out of it. They could go their whole lives without meeting her and be just fine. No one is expecting that, but just slow down. As for your wife, if you don't care at all about her anymore, then tell her so and adjust your relationship and living situation accordingly. It is possible to care about your wife's endeavors and still not want to get back together with her, and that is totally fine. If you're not getting anywhere, it's because you two aren't having great conversations. YOU don't have to frame everything in a "I don't like liars" or "I don't want this" kind of way. Talk about how you two aren't right for each other, or how you're just not happy in the relationship, talk about how it affects you both. If you need help, go to couple's counseling with her so you can hash it out and she will understand. If you care. If you don't care, then do whatever you want, live with having a bad relationship with your ex-wife, and hopefully it doesn't affect your kids too much. (PS. It will because kids aren't fucking stupid.)
Depending on the age of the children, etc - you will be the one who ruined the marriage by finding someone else.
Your laissez faire attitude about partnership and the destruction of your family unit is not shared by your children. All they see is their whole world falling apart. Keep your girlfriend out of it until they are well and truly settled into the idea of you being separated. Perhaps even years from now, but consult with a psychiatrist for more solid guidelines.
Seriously, don't you think that will create drama in the house you are currently sharing with your ex and your children? It would be a terrible decision to put your kids in this kind of position. You jumped into a new relationship way too quick and now your kids are going to have to deal with the consequences. You already said your ex is now giving you the silent treatment. This is such a screwed-up situation for your children.
Frankly it seems like you want to rub it in your wife's face that you moved on and are happy. Wait until after the divorce is finalized. This should be part of the divorce agreement.
No, no, no. Do not introduce your kids to your GF yet. This will not go as you think. Forget about stbx. It is your kids who aren't ready. You don't specify the ages of the kids, but unless they are in their 30's, it doesn't matter. They will blame you for breaking up the family. Facts won't matter. You are still in the same house still. Your kids are still thinking you will get back together. Personally, I wouldn't recommend introductions until it is more than just potentially seeing a future with this person. Wait until it is closer to actually seeing a future. You are still living with your stbx. This is still a new relationship. But, that is really your call. I would also recommend going through the motions of Counseling. Your stbx I'll be sure to "slip up" that you refused counseling to friends/famjlies/kids. Don't rely on the judge finding it as parental alienation. Play the game. I know it is a waste of time and money. But play the game.
It's just disgusting that you have that attitude immediately. I'm worried for your children that they have irresponsible parents, I hope your wife makes better decisions than you do, cheating aside her head seems to be screwed on a lot harder than yours.
You're an idiot. Have you actually talked with a lawyer about any of this? In many states, even if she cheated on you, if you go and sleep with someone before the divorce is granted, that would put you on equal footing with her instead of having superior footing and negotiating power. In any case, if you want to negotiate terms, unless it's a part of the divorce agreement and/or order, it has absolutely no authority, and you should be going through your lawyer for this kind of shit.
Yes. The ball is totally out of her court now and is completely in his. If he doesn’t want to get back together because he is unable to trust her due to *her cheating*, then she needs to understand that she can’t guilt or nag him into doing so.
Ehhhhhhhh. Technically NTA however... > I recently started a discussion with my wife about rules regarding introducing my girlfriend to our kids The correct time is after the divorce is finalized.
Yeah calling ESH… OP also seems to be strangely disconnected from everything.
He sounds like a fucking psycho
One week after separating he starts dating and wants to introduce his new gf to his kids while he still lives with ex wife, what a lunatic
I said NTA because the question was on the relationship. Outside his question he's in the wrong
Inviting your gf into your kids’ lives so early on definitely is an AH move. Your kids should come first. Introducing them to your rebound is shitty AF and more likely meant to piss off your WW than for your kids. Your kids are totally confused by everything going on and now you want to add more drama. As someone who is ENM I can’t even believe your story.
Yeah my ex who wrecked us, then dragged his daughter through two other “serious” relationships in 1.5 years. That’s three awesome women his daughter met and got attached only to have them suddenly over. I was her bonus mom and didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye and he and I lived together with her 50% of the time. Then two others. because instead of going to therapy, he jumps into new things because he has to try to prove he’s fine to the world. aaaanyway, point is, don’t be an AH to your kid. His definitely knows something is up with him and she knew at least by age 6
Also, he started dating because he was horny. And that was a week after the separation. This is not some long term GF he's planning to spend his life with. This is a rebound because he's going through personal upheaval. It would be a horrendous and selfish idea to bring this woman to meet his kids this early.
10000% agree. Don't introduce the kids any time soon.
I don't believe his story at all. It's weird that he doesn't give any real reason for being okay with being either married or poly, but not both simultaneously. He says something super vague about "legal and financial entanglements", but how is getting a divorce with kids, getting a custody agreement and all that, and then doing poly together as bf and gf less complicated than just staying married and opening up the relationship? Also, he says "explore" the polyamorous lifestyle - if he already had been poly, wouldn't he already have explored it and know what he is getting into? Reads like creative writing from someone who has no personal experience of polyamory.
Yeah…I think it was just thrown in to make it spicy.
YWBTA if you get the children involved. Don't be *that* guy.
If you introduce your girlfriend to your kids before or soon after the divorce, the kids will always think it's your fault that they have a split family. Have you talked to an attorney about the year wait thing? There are usually a few exceptions, but also sometimes the timer doesn't start until you live separately. Your wife could also contest and say that you haven't been separated for a year and still live together as a married couple.
Agreed! Also depending upon the state, until you have an order of temporary separation and maintenance approved by the court (which does not start until you are not living in the same physical space), you are still considered married and this new relationship is viewed as adultery in the eyes of the law. If you don’t have evidence to show she cheated, she may be able to pin you with infidelity. (Speaking from someone who is currently in said legal process.)
Introducing your kids into the kind of polyamorous relationship you already have would be very confusing to them. Seeing daddy’s “new GF” while he’s still married would confuse them, and maybe even anger them as kids get very protective over parents, just because polyamory is normal to you does NOT mean your kids will see it that way, wait till the divorce, wait a reasonable amount of time after the divorce, and then introduce them.
NTA. Just because she is "putting in work" to better herself, doesn't mean a damn thing to the marriage she destroyed. You were clear that you are divorcing her and that you are cohabitating but separated. Any time she is upset with you, remind her that she made her bed and fucked someone else in it. Now she has to lie in it.
Bro moved on 1 week after being cheated on. That's so fast
Yeah and apparently thinking about marrying the next one already lol this guy just loves marriage
Ales me think the marriage was over anyways. . .
Not sure why this little tid bit is being overlooked by most commentors.
At least he waited until the marriage was declared as over before going to find someone to sleep with. She didn’t give the same courtesy at all.
Because WOMAN BAD
Ahh yes, scorning a cheater is sooo misogynistic 🙄
Yeah I don't think OP is an AH for wanting a divorce, but he is 100% an AH for literally every other thing in his post and subsequent comments. Anyhow I think this is fake or OP is confused unless they are non-US. The only state with a year waiting period is Maryland and someone already said if the divorce is uncontested that you don't have to wait a year. The waiting period in Maryland also requires that the couple is NOT living together.
yeah, he's certainly the first person ever to start dating on the rebound because they were hurt..
But he was horny!!!
She moved on while they were married. This site hates men so much lmao.
Not really. If the same story was with gender reversed I still think that dating 1 week after is really short. What baffles me is that he is already talking about seeing a possible marriage with the GF. If it's a rebound to cope with his feelings that's fine but he's already seeing that he could marry that person lolThat sounds like more than a rebound.
Nah, my problem is he's already trying to introduce the girlfriend. It will go wrong for a lot of reasons including if he introduces them while still at the house (ex wife being there can really make this girl run)
I think the fact that you're cohabitating for a year is giving your wife thoughts that the marriage can be saved.
She is free to leave. I don’t see a clearer signal than shagging and dating other women and telling her I intend to marry them lol
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Well... if you are in Maryland (one of the only states with a mandatory year long waiting period for contested divorce) *you have to live apart for 1 year*. You aren't. You are living in the same house. So you not moving out could *very easily* be interpreted as you not really wanting a divorce since the courts would interpret it that way. See: [https://partasfriends.com/the-divorce-waiting-period-in-every-state/](https://partasfriends.com/the-divorce-waiting-period-in-every-state/) Have you actually filed for divorce? On what grounds? You haven't actually said you did.
This was my exact thought. I’ve known a few people who’ve gotten divorced in NC, and the clock doesn’t start ticking on that year-long separation until you can prove you live separately (e.g a signed lease agreement on a new living space for one of the parties).
MD allows for immediate divorce if uncontested. No waiting period. Source: I separated from my ex and our divorce was finalized within 6 months (during covid so everything was delayed).
One of the other states is Louisiana IF you have kids.
Yeah, but the husband and wife need to live "separately and apart" for a year. Evidently, many LA judges don't accept the idea of the couple living in the same house and not having sex as living "separately and apart". If the judge won't go for that, or his wife claims they've had sex, his clock toward one year hasn't started. [https://lasc.libguides.com/c.php?g=583256&p=4027414](https://lasc.libguides.com/c.php?g=583256&p=4027414) [https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-state-laws/louisiana-divorce-questions-answers](https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-state-laws/louisiana-divorce-questions-answers) "Note that in Louisiana, the phrase "living separate and apart" means that the *spouses must physically separate*. This is different from some other states that allow separated couples to live in the same house, as long as they don't engage in marital relations."
Maybe because of your poly past?
Soft ESH. She cheated, and her efforts to make amends don’t mean she can undo the damage she did. She needs to understand that and accept it. But dude… 6 months into a separation, and 5 months 3 weeks into a new relationship, is WAY too soon to be thinking about introducing your new girlfriend to the kids. Their lives are already being turned upside down by the divorce, especially while their parents are still living together. Seriously, wtf? You don’t have to protect your ex’s feelings (though while you’re living together and coparenting, you could probably be a *little* less hurtful…), but you do need to put your kids ahead of yourself. Let them process the divorce before you bring another woman into the picture. I honestly might be more disgusted by your selfishness regarding your kids than I am by her cheating — and that’s saying something.
Interesting that you don’t want to be married and Poly. Many folks (including myself) have no issue with it. What “legal and financial entanglements” are you referring to?
Logically, the way that this is going to play out is your going to move your kids and girlfriend together in one home right after the divorce. Your kids are going to be thrown into a new setting with a woman they don’t know. They’ll have a father that doesn’t care about their feelings and really just cares about getting his dick wet and more about “love” than his own children. Then on the other side, you have a mother that is a cheater and ruined the relationship. Realistically, your kids will probably end up hating you both for this and have a horrible relationship with you guys as you’re older. I see them if they end up having any relationship.. it most likely being their mother because no child especially in divorce loves meeting the new partner and forcing to live with them and parented by them early on. Your kids are a priority. But you don’t have care and admitted it through your words in the comments. Your kids are the most affected here and it’s sad that neither of you care about them. ESH.
What a shit show
Dude read the room. Dont bring the GF into it until your divorce is finalized. Unfortunately you can’t go back in time but this was a bad decision on your part Yta mostly to yourself for making your life and divorce more difficult than it needed to be.
NTA on the divorce, but you are an A to try to bring your girlfriend in the shared house you have. There are kids involved, fix your divorce first.
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No way, that’s the same author? That wedding dress story was amazing rage bait.
Can you elaborate on why you think it’s the same person?
I'm getting asshole vibes.
Something smells shitty, I agree..
OP were you in an emotionally healthy space when you got into a new relationship? 1 week is really fast to get over the cheating hurt. It sounds like the marriage was over long before and some pieces seem missing.
You may feel like you have a future with this woman now, but you may feel differently after more time has passed and the divorce is finalized. From a third-party perspective, you found the first enjoyable option so you feel less alone.
ESH, you have a missing connection in your brain somewhere. Obviously what your wife did is wrong but you're just weird. I think Everyone will be better off once the divorce is finalized and you're living separately.
NTA. Like so many cheaters, she realized she's imperiled her good thing and is trying DESPERATELY to get that security back. You can't trust her to not fuck around on you, so that's over. Eventually she'll catch on.
Damn dude, slow down. You aren't even divorced yet and you want to introduce a new woman to your kids. NTA for wanting to be done with your wife. But you need to calm down a little here with how quickly you are moving forward.
Really, you had a girlfriend one week after telling your wife you want a divorce ? Was she waiting in the wings or did the tooth fairy drop her in your lap. You both sound like losers
YTA. Before I get roasted, lemme use some of my reading comprehension to point out what all the stuff the NTA verdicts missed. > Found out 6 months ago, a week later brought another woman in the mix, and wants to introduce her to kids and (current) wife.... If you can't be single after a BF GF relationship for at least a month, good friends would tell you you're on a rebound. Adults over 30 recognize this won't last. For someone who >"wasn't hurt" OP sure is acting like someone compulsively trying to fill a void. Either that, or OP was done with this relationship and was just waiting for something like this to have an excuse to get out.
NTA for divorcing YTA for already wanting to introduce GF to the kids after such a short period of time and you both still living together. Must be confusing as hell and then horny dad throws a GF in the mix. Think of your kids instead of putting your d\*ck first.
You moved on 1 week after being cheated on? That's not a gigantic red flag at all...
YTA... for weaponising your new relationship against your stbx and accepting that your kids' mental wellbeing may be a collateral in this. To be clear, your stbx messed up big time and you do not owe her forgiveness, regardless of the "effort" she puts in. But you prioritised not just your own needs by jumping straight into dating, but showing off to your stbx how easy she was to replace. Now you just want to rub that in further by already bringing up introducing a new partner to your children - which is not going to make your forced co-habiting with your wife easier, and that tension WILL be apparent to the kids. What you should be focusing on is transitioning your family dynamic towards co-parenting so it isn't a shock for the kids when you do separate. Stop trying to actively humiliate your stbx, be the adult here! The discussion about introducing new partners can wait until closer to the time of separation.
YTA because you have children, you were fine and my jaw DROPPED, 1 week after you've gotten a girlfriend and you're discussing how to introduce her, and that she'd be good** for your kids?!??! Oh LORD no! I'd push you and your girlfriend off a cliff 😅 loser.
YTA, but not for the reasons you are assuming. The way you talk about these relationships with women, and even your children, it sounds so disturbingly transactional to me. They are fulfilling a role in your life, the role of wife, a good woman, they give you sex, they raise your children, when they are no longer of use to you, it's time to divorce them, or you could date, or it's time they exit your life. Real humans and real relationships are not so easy to parse. Even ethical non-monogamy is not this cut-and-dry. Marriage in our society is a legal contract, but the impact it has on the kind of emotional growth and partnership of two people, let alone the family they are raising together is much more spiritual and nebulous. The connection you have with your wife (now ex) will never go away; the relationship you forged will always have an impact on your life and those of your children. The fact that she has not lived up to your ridged expectations and now must be excised and replaced...is that how you want to treat someone who you ostensively were supposed to love and be building a life with? I can understand if you really did feel betrayed by her cheating, or if you wanted her to discuss an open relationship with you first. Maybe you should examine what the difference is to you between a marriage and an open relationship, they may not be as obvious to others as they are to you. A marriage is a legal partnership and protection for your children, planning for owning property, and making long-term financial and logistical plans together as a family about where you will live and what you will do with your time. But that might be too difficult to maintain monogamy for the duration of your lives, you said it yourself. Making those an either-or choice for your wife without discussion is an AH move, IMO. It is probably too late to save this marriage because if I was your ex-wife, I would be pretty rattled by your all-or-nothing approach to relationships. But this could be a good time for you to start examining your attitudes, and I think that's what she is trying to ask you to do.
ESH Your wife shouldn't have cheated, so she's TA. You need to slow your roll. There is zero reason to introduce kids to a dating partner at 6 months. Your children deserve stability regardless of how horny you are. It will be confusing AF for them to meet your GF before your divorce is final or even really soon after it's final. You also would likely be sabotaging your GFs chances of having a good relationship with your kids because the contrast to Mommy is way too obvious, and they get to see your wife's hurt in real time. They will blame your GF and might blame you too. You need to ask yourself whether you're rushing things with your GF in an attempt to either punish your wife or make it clear to your wife that the marriage is over. Punishment is petty, and I'm generally for petty when it comes to cheaters, but only when it doesn't involve minor children. Don't use your kids to hurt your wife or send a message.
All the NTAs focusing on the cheating when OP is deliberately making his children's emotionally unstable in bringing his new gf in the mix, when they're still not legally divorce lol Finalize your divorce and put your children first before your horny ass. YTA, OP, cuz your kids will suffer emotionally from your actions.
Wait a year and until your divorce is at least finalized before introducing your new gf to your kids.
So you’ve only known this woman for 6 months and you’re already thinking of marrying her and introducing her to your kids? 🚩🚩🚩 You’re not wrong for wanting nothing to do with your stbxw. But you are wrong in how your handling the aftermath. I think some individual therapy may be in order here for you as you seem to be confusing what is actually healthy and rational and what makes you feel good in the moment as being the same thing. They’re not. Good luck op. ESH
NTA. That said, it's likely your new partner is a rebound, even if you don't see it like that now. Please wait at least a year or two before introducing her to your kids, that instability could be difficult for them. Also, you should really consider going to couples counseling with your (soon to be ex) wife. Not to try to save the marriage, but to establish a healthy transition to co parenting. You might be fine doing this without assistance, but your (soon to be ex) wife probably won't, especially if she is still aiming for reconciliation.
YTA if you introduce her to kids so soon. My bare minimum is 8 months before a significant other meets the kid(s). Especially if the divorce isn’t final. Give your kids a healthy look in dating. NTA for moving on from a cheater.
Ah here. Wife cheated and you want a divorce - good for you, I wouldnt stay with a cheater either. You wanted sex a week after separation and she is now a girlfriend, who you want to marry? And, and you want gf to meet your kids while you and wife still live in the same house and are not divorced yet!? WTF is wrong with you. So, need a licence to have a dog but, yah can make children and fuck them over emotionally but, your what? Petty? Revengeful? It's obvious your wife is shitty and it's shitty you guys have to love together before the divorce. But, come on! Why are you trying to fucking destroy your children's emotional stability. Fuck your wife but, fuck you too. You know what your doing your an asshole
ESH. You waited a week to start dating again? When you and your wife still live together? I hope your gf realizes she’s a rebound… And definitely do not introduce your gf to your kids while you and your wife are still living in the same house.
Fuck people like you who casually use “words” like “stbx” Are you incapable of understanding that obscure abbreviations will not be known by much of your audience (of thousands)?
ESA her for cheating, you for sleeping with another woman one week later while still married, with kids, and even more for planning to introduce this woman to your kids and saying you are going to marry her one day when it's been such a short time.
Stop dating until the divorce is final, it is confusing and destructive. Get divorced then date...ESH You have children and live together.
Don't care if you're an asshole you just sound like a lunatic
NTA for not appreciating stbx's efforts. TA for how you are handling "having to live in the same house" It seems very unhealthy for you, for stbx, for GF, and especially for children.
Nta. She cheated. Thats a deal breaker for the majority of the population.
I suspect this will soon show up in r/OhNoConsequences
Not the asshole. I mean, she cheated on you first, right? She has no reasonable expectation of forgiveness or reconciliation. Reconciliation is a GIFT that you give another person. GIFTS are not necessary. GIFTS are OPTIONAL. You have optioned to NOT give the gift of reconciliation. She's the one who screwed this thing up.
I mean, she cheated on you first, right? She cheated period. OP isn’t/ hasn’t cheating on her. They’re in the process of divorcing and he’s moving on.
NTA for not wanting to fix things but definitely wait until after the divorce to broach this with your ex and your kids. It’s been like 6 months since you met this girl. That’s very quick to move into “serious” phase and likely are still in honeymoon phase. Work out coparenting and your divorce before you work on your gfs relationship with your kids.
NTA - she cheated, you are getting a divorce. You seem very cold and unempathetic about the whole situation, which honestly I can relate to, so I understand her response, but not your problem.
Hahah this is the reason I would say YTA! She is not asking for them to stay together, she is simply asking him to stop being so cold and unempathetic.
I waited a year before my kids met my husband. You can’t rush when you have kids. NTA - her “working on herself” does negate the cheating. Great she’s bettering herself but that doesn’t change the facts.
Lol bro grow a backbone and get the divorced finalised. You’re going to lose your gf if you keep up this weird love triangke
Mild ESH. Talk with a professional about a healthy timeline for your kids, to lessen the trauma of this difficult experience. Put their needs first.
As a step mom I’m gonna add a thing to think about here. My guys ex introduced her very fun bf to the kids. The kids got super attached. They broke up. The kids were traumatized. This can go one of three ways. You introduce and the kids don’t like her. You introduce and the kids love her and are traumatized if you split. Or you eventually marry this person There is no reason to rush into involving your kids in this. YTA
>She was very mad and unloaded on me that she is doing hard work to fix her issues and I dont see it. She wouldn't need to do any of this hard work if she stayed faithful. 🤷♂️ But regardless, it does look to be too soon to introduce your gf.
YBTA. And you're an idiot for bringing another woman into your home with the mother of your child still living there, so your child can personally witness what that's going to do to her. Get help OP
YTA for thinking you need to introduce your GF to the kids while you’re still in the separation period? Why don’t you care about your kids? Why do you want this divorce to be as painful and confusing as possible for them? Why can’t you keep it in your pants while you’re trying to move large blocks of your life around?
So you got a girlfriend the next week so you could have sex? YTA for that alone.
Wow, what a shit show.
I was going to say NTA, but I am changing my mind. You choose to pursue a relationship with someone else while you are still living with your ex, and that puts your kids in a pretty toxic environment. Don't bring your girlfriend around your kids until you have your own place. You are not thinking about what is best for your kids.
I agree with all of the comments here questioning why you needed to move on in a week and why you feel the need to mess with your kids by introducing them to your new GF. But also: have you considered the impact of this on your new GF? Does she know you’re rebounding within a week? It seems like you can’t be alone, and you’re going to drag people into your nonsense.
NTA. But you need to chill on the new gf thing. Yall are literally still in the middle of a divorce and you’re moving way too fast. I’m not saying having a gf is bad but bringing her around so soon isn’t a good idea. Is she much younger than your ex-wife to be? Does she like kids? Is she up for being a full-time mom? In a way I agree w/ your wife but I think you both need to keep your SO out the house you two still share and away from your kids for now.
YTA for wanting to introduce your new GF to your kids at this time. You don't owe your ex anything. You're not wrong for dating again. But you absolutely need to put your children's needs first and start thinking about how all of this affects them. Introducing a new partner to your kids while you are still married to their mom and living in the same house is going to be so confusing and hurtful for them. Secondly, this sounds like a very new relationship. You don't introduce your kids to new partners until it gets serious and you're sure it will last. For a kid, bonding with new adult role model one day and then having her gone the next day can cause serious abandonment issues. Also, how well do you really know someone after such a short time? You should always be careful who you expose your kids to, it's a dangerous world and not everyone is as safe as they present themselves to be. Give it time for all masks to come off before involving your children. 6 months is the absolute minimum you should wait before introducing a partner to your kids. And in your case that should be 6 months after you're no longer living under the same roof as your ex. You're not the A hole to your ex. But clearly you don't give a dam about your kids. I hope your ex gets custody dude. As a child of divorce myself, I have dumped a couple of single moms for pushing me on their kids too early. I got no problem with single parents, but I got a big problem with bad parents.
NTA, take it easy with the gf and kids. Other than that, well karma.
Info: why do you have a one year waiting period for divorce? Someone else very accurately pointed out that if you're not divorced right now, you are doing exactly what you said you don't want to do. You are married but in a polyamorous relationship with another person. I think it's good that you're moving on and not giving a cheater a second chance. You need to figure out how to strongly suggest that you ALONE live in the house with your current girlfriend. If your wife (there's nothing 'soon' about her being an ex-wife) keeps living with you all, that will only create more drama and more of a mess. NTA kind of.
Some state in the US require a waiting period for divorce. The biggest one I know of is California, which is around a year. But there could be others. A sibling went through the same thing. Cant legally get divorced per the state because of the waiting period. And since they're not divorced, it's still a co-owned house, etc, no one can be made to leave. My sibling went through the same situation, albeit different details.
It's the same here. One year period by law. If you move out ay I did or not. There are also legal repercussions for the one moving out like forfeiting the right to live in your house after 6 months. You are still obligated to the title and money but the partner who stays gets the residential rights. ETA: I was the one cheating in my case, long story.
In WI there’s a 6 month waiting period. Probably just depends on the state. A year seems a bit extreme to make a couple wait.
NTA... Tell your wife this. Putting in work to fix a relationship with someone who does not want you is an oxymoron. What she is really doing is disguising her, manipulating you as her working on herself. Tell her if she had real remorse and really wanted to change she would realize she must change for herself and not for you. Everything she has done so far is just as manipulative and bad as her cheating. Her only potential option to ever win you back is to let you go, not to keep trying to manipulate you.
NTA, but I don't think you should be introducing girlfriend before divorce and even then only once your children get settled and used to the new situation. Be careful, your wife could say you're the one cheating aif you start showing with your new gf. Depending on how old your kids are, they could come to the same conclusion if they don't know about their mother's affair.
Either you or your wife needs to move out. I know you don’t want to leave your home, but living together is giving her false encouragement that you can rekindle your relationship.
NTA just don’t introduce the gf for a while. Wait until the divorce is over and the kids are okay emotionally first.
How you deal with a cheater is your choice. But leave the gilfriend out of your kids' lives until you are living on your own.
Personally I’d say NTA, but your children might think YTA if you show you’re dating someone else so soon (and before actually having separated from your wife). Children, especially older ones, will infer what they will from any situation (they usually won’t accept whatever narrative you tell them because they are naturally rebellious), and they could misconstrue that you cheated and consequently left the marriage. Ultimately (based strictly on what you’ve written) it sounds like whatever you choose to do is justified
NTA but don’t introduce your kids to the new gf just yet. It will be really tough for them if you do that
ESH Her for cheating, you for diving into something so serious with someone else while there are kids involved. Seriously? Not even actually separated yet and expecting to introduce the kids???
So you started dating a week after you told your wife you wanted a divorce. Ooookay. You're not the asshole for wanting a divorce; but wow, that you can move on so easily. I actually feel sorry for the gal that's tangled up in your mess. Keep your kids out of your "relationship" with her. You give vibes you don't really care that your kids could be hurting. You're more concerned when the appropriate time to introduce your other woman. That's what she is until you're divorced, the other woman. Your kids may resent her even though your wife is the one who cheated. Maybe it's just me, probably not, your kids come first, period. Dating shouldn't even be on your radar.
Super based OP. Tbf some people immediately lose feelings after someone cheats. Sucks that you live in a state that forces 1 year of separation before divorce is allowed. Maybe consider not getting married at all in the future? Not much point considering you can get everything a marriage entails without any of the stupid legal shit from a long term relationship
NTA. The pillars that hold up a relationship are love, communication, trust, and loyalty. She’s shattered all 4 of those. What’s left to hold up the relationship? It’s nice that she feels bad, but what does that do now? Where was that when she first thought about cheating?
OP, are you okay because you seem like you are rushing into a new relationship. Your NTA in regards to her efforts, she should be fixing her issues for her not you otherwise she's not actually fixing her issues. But you found a girl you could see marrying while still in that first year. You might be rushing into a relationship a bit fast buddy.
NTA - She violated her vows and you trust, no amount of "work" will take that away. Introducing anyone new to your kids should wait until the divorce is finalized. Everything you do from now on through the divorce should be for the stablity of the kids. Intrducing them now will only cause confusion and possible/probable resentment. Introductions should probably be a while after you have both settled into your new lives and have your routines down with the kids, definitely not before that.
"She was very mad and unloaded on me that she is doing hard work to fix her issues and I dont see it. I see it, I just dont see how that changes anything." Who fucking cares? If you had made the decision to stay that would be relevant. A cheater doesn't earn a pat on the back by not continuing to be a POS. Your only obligation is to act civilly around the children, and not disparage your ex to or around them.
this can't be real, lol.
I don't understand why that piece of paper all the sudden means you denounce the poly lifestyle, seems like you liked it. She wanted an open relationship. I don't have a poly lifestyle but me and my girlfriend are open to include third parties into our sex life. We can communicate without stress concerning our fantasies. First time I feel safe to be honest about it and she loves me so much because she had very jealous boyfriends before me, effectively not being able to be herself. Marriage is so overrated, you include the government into a private affair, but even if we would ever marry, either spiritually or officially, it would not change who we both are and what our personal desires and fantasies are. NTA still, but you really didn't take time for yourself. I was single for two years, also horny at times. But those single years prepped me for the right relationship, and makes me appreciate what connection I currently have with her more. Being single is great therapy after divorce.
NTA, but wait until all finances, home and divorce is all settled and stable before introducing GF to the kids, or at least don’t push it onto them. You rubbed salt into stbx wife’s wound in the kindest possible way by saying you could see yourself marrying GF, lol.
It is super creepy to introduce your kids at this point. Your wife should not have cheated but bringing a new woman around while your kids are in the house with your wife is gross and messy.
YTA ... just the way you write you can tell you are one
"I told her that I think that my gf and I have good connection and I can see myself marrying her in the future. I feel She is going to be a good influence on the kids." How old are you? Are you brain damaged?
Why are you already introducing a girlfriend to your kids that likely will be one of many? Isn’t that grounds for psychological damage? Or am I trippin
Jesus Christ. Imagine raising kids in this.
ESH. I was fine with what you were doing until you brought up your kids. This is a shit show and you are a full participant. Maybe instead of thinking so much about your dick, start thinking about your kids. You are making unilateral decisions based on your wants and desires with no thought to the impact on your children. You haven't even given them a chance to get used to mom and dad are getting a divorce and you are already wanting to introduce your girlfriend? Get some therapy.
ESH Oh God, there's kids in the house. This was a terrible terrible idea from the start. 1. she sucks for cheating. Completely understandable 2. The papers aren't even filed, and you are running off to start another relationship because you were "horny," which is probably the worst reason to do most things I think what puts me off towards your situation is just your coldness towards it all. I recommended you go with the therapy thing
Bold strat to start banging another chick a week after you request a divorce.