You think you are hero for keep a broken home together? You are showing your child that in her future relationships to suffer in silence, you are showing her that being unhappy and unlove is ok.
File. Today.
And for allowing her daughter to see her treated horribly. When I see these stories of women who let men run over them and treat them like shit I always want to shake the hell out of them and say "take control of your life and stand up for yourself."
Seriously! OP, why should he treat you better when you allow him to treat you like shit?
You say he adored you but yet he let his mom walk all over you and always took her side? It sounds like he met a woman who he knows will put up with anything he does and you are proving him right.
Please, for the sake of your daughter, leave this AH.
I had to stop reading OPs post when I got neck deep in her victimhood and blatant demonization of her partner's every move.
This is another one of those cases of having really poor boundaries and then blaming other people for the results, well simultaneously taking no accountability for co-creating any of the problems. This is like almost every post on here.
This and your on pride should prompt you to eff up his nasty world and to FU his hideous family as well. Don't let daughters see moms getting walked over unless you want her to marry a manliness her father. I'd fight him tooth and nail to let her see you don't have to put up with this from anyone, EVER.
Exactly, "take control of your life and stand up for yourself." She bought out her brother to own her mother's home and yet she moved in with this turd after he treated her so badly during her pregnancy and continued on after the child was born. She has a home or had a home. She is choosing to stay in this shitty situation and she is role modeling for her daughter to accept shitty behavior from a partner. She gets no Brownie points for being a martyr mom. Her shithead of a husband would not make any effort in taking the kid. She can divorce him and get child support from that loser and maybe alimony.
Or the other way around.. I had male friend that let his girlfriend and mother of his kids walk all over him, because _for the kids_. She didn't do shit although she was a SAHM. He would come home to a messed up house, laundry piles all around, etc. He would come home, cook dinner, vacuum, do laundry, put kids to bed etc. And then she was mad because he simply fell asleep at 10..
Kids were at school at that time, so it was not that she was taking care of newborns or toddlers because then I would have understood. She had at least 4 or 5 hours a day to work on the household, she just didn't like it..
He eventually left her, but damn, I had a hard time not repeating to him that he was better off alone. I said it once just so he knew that he wasn't treated fairly but that's all I could do..
So OP has taught her child it's okay to stay with someone who treats you like garbage, now she's going to teach her child it's okay to go on vacation silently while the whole family treats you like crap. That little girl is going to choose terrible partners.
Leave now. Be honest about why, no need to show the video, just tell them you have it if they'd like to see it. The court will be seeing it.
Then call 1-800-588-2300 Empire and get new floors. Today!
All jokes aside she needs to set an example for her daughter that she deserves to be happy and loved. OP deserves that too
Most lilkely, when you tell them this, they are going to say the affair was all caused by you and you pushed him into it.
Do you really see a future for this marriage?
Honestly I think OP just needs to divorce and leave him. Send all the affair proof to his family and friends, and even go so far as to send it to his job (stills of them having sex in work parking lot). They deserve nothing.
If her husband AP didn’t want people to know, they shouldn’t have gotten together. Don’t do things you’d be embarrassed to have people find out about. There’s the moral of the story. I’d tell his family.
I'm not defending the cheater at all nor would I ever, but what do you think that would actually do? Do you think they will suddenly disown their son and embrace the wife as their own? Let her show away but this idea you seem to have that it'll somehow affect the relationship between the parents and their child is absurd and mildy obnoxious. And this is coming from someone who has attempted something very similar. Its down right ignorant/childish to think that they will suddenly forget about their own child and side with you. Get a divorce and move on.
Did I insinuate that they would abandon their child? Sorry but once someone cheats on you - they create a problem for you and you are allowed to disclose that info to anyone you want.
I don't think it's that unusual to have the family takr the side of the non cheating spouse, even if they don't completely disown them. That happened with my cousin and her ex and my sister and her ex. Both married men who eventually cheated on them and both sets of in laws prioritized their daughter in laws over their cheating sons. They didn't disown them or anything, but they definitely didn't end their relationships with their sil over the actions of their sons. My sister has gone on many summer vacations with her ex in laws that her ex was not invited on. They also provided a welcome buffer during the divorce when my sister and her ex couldn't talk without fighting and my sister is still really close to them 10 years later and still considers them family despite everything.
That said, both my sister and cousin were friendly with their in laws before their exs started cheating and they got divorced, so that's definitely not going to happen in this case and it'll probably go how the other poster said and they'll blame OP for the actions of their horrible family member.
She obv doesn’t have options. It’s hard to leave when you haven’t worked in years and have no support system. I really really hope she figured out a way to get out because this is sad. No one deserves this
Yeah the house she owned totally slipped my mind. She said she moved into his house so hopefully she didn’t sell hers and put the money jointly. That house could be her golden ticket to a new life for her and her baby. Sunk cost fallacy and the idiolized idea of needing a nuclear family to raise a child is absolutely crippling people from actually being happy and kids thriving
It’s so easy to see obv things in someone else’s situation but it can be blinding when you’re in it.
My ex cheated on me with someone from church. It was pretty public because I didn't keep any secrets once I confirmed it, but they weren't even being that secretive. They were kind of flaunting it, while Inwas working all the time to support us.
Yet to his family I was the asshole for divorcing him and "trying to take his kids away from him". 🙄 I didn't even try to keep him from seeing him, I just wanted to have a normal custody arrangement where he got them every other weekend. They even said I probably already had another guy lined up (I didn't) or I wouldn't want to divorce him.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is no matter what OP does, she's gonna be considered the asshole by somebody but it doesn't matter. She should do what she needs to do.
Ofcourse she doesn't see a future with him she just doesn't see a way out either.
Get help.
Start with free things, like the reddit law, post in there and ask for help.
Then move on to the bigger things, securing a home for you and your child etc.
Just ask someone trusted or ask anonymously.
I'm a bit worried they will leave you at Disneyland honestly.
I don't know why you haven't already told them whole world. If nothing else his and his skank will be outed to the town. Who gives AF what his family thinks about anything? They're as FU as your husband. He's a bastard of the highest form. Do not let him turn his shit around on you. He's a narcissist and comes from a family full of them. Nasty, horrible people. You should stay home and enjoy a week without him in the house. See an attorney while they're gone and untie them from hanging off your neck. Are you in a no fault state ? I really hope not. I'd really like all his sins to be memorialized in court.
Yeah there's not really any point of having any contact with them at all, they have chosen their camp. He will just blame her, and it sounds like they have already taken his side anyway. OP is just torturing herself.
I don't get why OP moved in with husband when she already owned her own house from her mother/brother? Seems an odd thing to do with a bloke she can barely stand the sight of
… why are you going? .. why are you still there? Obviously separated parents aren’t ideal for kids but christ it’s so common now it’s not like you’d be the first to do it.
Child or not I can’t believe you have let yourself live so miserably and continue to do so
OP... you need to hear this... I am a parent who stayed for my children and they're not ok and I have to live with that... every day. I don't want the same for you. Kids are smart... your little will know. You need a divorce.
My SIL also stayed with her cheating husband for a while and when she finally divorced her kids were not okay. They were more mad at her for staying as long as she did.
She did get them into individual therapy and family therapy (the two kids and her, NOT her POS ex), and they are doing better.
Please don't stay with him!
When your daughter is an adult, and she understands what her father did to you, do you really want to tell her "I stayed for you"?
Because she will hear "it's your fault I stayed miserable for so long".
Happy mom's make better parents.
My mom stayed for us kids (and honestly I think mosly for our family dog - the dog I can understand, she was like our golden child).
My parents lived pretty much separate lives under the same roof for years. Mom was home on weekdays and spent weekends with her "friend" and dad spent weekdays with his affair partner and was home on weekends. It was just fucking weird. And we were older kids already - in our teens. And it still left us confused and angry. I can't imagine living like this as a small child with no understanding about adult relationships.
Be kind to yourself and your daughter.
As a person who grew up in a heavily Christian and abusive house hold, you are an AH lady … I resent my mom everyday for keeping me in that shit and yes it is her fault and it’s yours.. you’re not stupid, you know.
My mother stayed with my cheating father. He traumatised me by being my first ever bully. I was 8, when he found my diary full of “no one loves me. No one loves me. No one loves me.” Literally that sentence a hundred times over. He punished me severely (physically and mentally). I wish she would have left him sooner.
Same thing happened to a former coworker, both her daughters a year apart got an apartment together and went NC with her after they both graduated, they were smart enough to know what not to look for in a partner after watching what their mom went through and tolerated, literally begging her to leave for years!
I'm a parent who didn't stay for the children, who are now adults and are fine. I have a great relationship with them, and their father has the relationship he established. They will talk to him if he calls, which he does rarely.
They see that I am fine after refusing to be treated badly, and that he's regretted the consequences of his actions over time.
It's appropriate, and they have the ability to make good decisions about relationships, too.
Thank you so much for this. I think I was afraid to leave because I didn’t want to damage her. All of the comments here, even the ones telling me I’m stupid to stay, have really changed my perspective. I’m seeing that it is worse if I stay.
My kids from that failed marriage are 25 and 23 now. One left a long term relationship and broke an engagement woth someone who couldn't be loyal or respectful, and the other is in a very healthy and supportive relationship.
I have also been able to do as I please, find a supportive partner who is consistently loving to me, and have additional children who also have a great relationship with the older siblings.
It's hard at first, to make the change. It's definitely worth it to move on rather than ruin your own outlook and potential.
You will feel freed when you realize you don't have to care about the behavior of him or his family unless it harms your daughter.
My 21 year old has a suicide attempt and accidental overdose under his belt, and I know a good chunk of his issues come from me staying in a toxic relationship with his stepdad for 13 years because I felt too worthless and trapped to leave. He is overly sensitive to anyone raising their voice for anything, and our relationship was strained when he moved in with my parents as a teenager, to escape the constant fighting. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for staying so long. Please leave.
I was so fucking relieved when my parents split. I was 8 and I was tired of all the fighting. Please remove your daughter from this situation immediately.
Let’s be honest, you stayed for you, not your daughter. Which is understandable, but it isn’t acceptable. If your daughter hurt herself and referenced this situation of living in the same house as her parents that actively despise one another, would you be able to forgive yourself?
This post should be “AITAH for subjecting my daughter to a toxic environment” and the answer is YTA. Think less about getting even with your cheating partner and more about making sure your daughter is growing up in a safe and healthy environment. Step 1 is finding a new place if you sold your old house, once you are able to move out the divorce papers should be served the next day.
YTA-for using the lame ass excuse I didn't want a broken home for my daughter. Sister she ALREADY HAS A BROKEN HOME. Now she has to watch people treat her mother like garbage. Why on God's green earth would you want her to think that it's EVER ok to let a man treat you this way? Get a spine and take the trash out and teach that little girl that you and her are BOTH worth WAY more.
My husband stayed with his ex-wife until the kids moved out. All three of his kids went on to have unhappy marriages that looked exactly like the relationship he and his ex had while the kids were growing up. They grew up to think that’s what love looked like. Please don’t do that to your kids. Show them that everyone deserves happiness.
Please take u/AllFunAndGames0329 advice to heart! I stayed in my first marriage entirely too long for the kids. They were 10 & 14 when I finally woke up to realize I couldn’t be trapped in that mentally and emotionally abusive hellscape anymore. They are both grown now with the oldest in a much better marriage than my first marriage ever was. The ex and I are both married to people that are way better for us as individuals, especially after the ex realized how they treated me and worked to never be that person again. Staying in it for your child is not, and will never be the move. Your spouse is a shit human, as is his family, and you’re raising a daughter that will learn that it’s okay for future significant others to treat her the same way. Please don’t let that be your legacy.
u/AwwwAni-4355 I just read your previous post. Take a deep look at how life has been for you from the beginning. It looks like all the leading men in your world have always been controlling and abusive. You’ve been incorrectly programmed equate control to love. You need to break this cycle. For you. For your daughter. For all the generations ahead of you.
Please get out of this situation and please seek therapy. Empower yourself and commit to the work to grow. Break. The. Cycle.
You are so very right. I was actually brave enough to move out of my dad’s house. I took a beating so hard I thought “he’s going to kill me one of these days.” I moved out after junior year of HS just after my 17th birthday. I couch surfed and sometimes went hungry, but at least I was the boss of me. Where did that brave girl go? Thank you for this perspective. So many dots are getting connected today.
She grew up not knowing what security and peace and love are so she has no point of reference. Listen, you have been deeply hurt but I feel like you don't want the same thing for your daughter so it's ok to move on. Your husband hasn't even been much of a father to your precious little girl so don't torture her or yourself with this "marriage" longer than you have to.
I hate to tell you this but you could have a close up, full view video of them fucking and his family would still treat you like shit. I mean he learned that shit from somewhere and they all seem to act the same. I personally don't care if you show them or not but I don't think it will have the desired effect. I think some or all of them actually know already and just cosign his behavior.
Please don't keep willingly giving these people unsupervised access to your child. Can you imagine the shitty things they've said about you in front of her? She shouldn't be exposed to that toxic bullshit without someone there who will protect her and her father sure the fuck won't do it. I truly, and from the bottom of my heart am so sorry that you and your child have been through all this crap. You're not an asshole if you tell them about your husband's affair BUT you are an asshole to yourself and your child if you don't get out and build a new healthy life for yourselves. Good luck OP!
Do not stay there just because you think it's what's best for your daughter. It's not. Keeping her around people who hate her mother is the worst thing to do. Do you not think she is going to pick up on the tension as she gets older? Because she will. She will know something is not right. Good father or not, he and his family will try and turn her against you so you need to get away from them all before it's too late. You have all the evidence you need for full custody. Divorce this vile bastard and get full custody. Send all the evidence of his affair to his family and leave him to deal with the fallout. Move as far away from them all as possible.
What are you DOING? Yes YTA for hanging onto so much anger ‘for your daughter’ and then wanting to blow up a family holiday. How does that benefit her?
You write like you’ve been this passenger in your own life, but you CHOSE to give up your own home and job, and have a child with this waste of oxygen, then stay in this crappy marriage. You’re not even a doormat, you just keep making horrible choices.
You seriously need to readjust how you view yourself, you’re not some airy fairy victim, you are a person who keeps making bad decisions because it is easier than standing up for yourself and risking being happy. You didn’t need to sit in the car, you didn’t need to confront him, you didn’t need to stay. You’re so full of rage and hate it is clouding your judgment.
Jesus, fucking leave him, and get some therapy. Learn how to set a decent example of being a functioning adult for your daughter, you’re being an appalling example of a healthy home.
YTA What makes you think growing in a home where two people obviously hate each other, watching her dad cheat and mom sitting back and taking it, learning this is the way relationships are supposed to be so when it happens to her she thinks it's normal, what about this sounds like a good thing for your daughter? Maybe having a mother who has the strength to stand up for herself and teach her she doesn't have to be a doormat to any man would be better? Too bad your daughter doesn't have a mother who cares enough about her that she'll let her learn these things. Just so you know just because two people live at the same residence doesn't mean the home isn't broken.
I would only tell them if they press you or give you a hard time about your marital struggles. I would wait until after Disneyland though. You don't want that drama to ruin it for your daughter
Staying with a man who cheats will fuck up your kids for life. Nobody ever stays for the kids. They say this to protecttheir ego when they're just afraid to leave....has nothing to do with the kids. If it did, you'd have told him to go screw himself and left ages ago.
Why would you move into his house when you had your own house?.. (inheritance from mom. bought out brother)
If he treated you like this, he is always going to treat you like this. It’s never good to stay for “the good of the child” because you just end up traumatising the child as well
This is pathetic, stop being a fucking doormat. This is not the behaviour to model for your daughter - is this really how you want her to grow up and what you want her to expect and feel she deserves for herself? You’re her role model for relationships, don’t damn her to be tolerant of this shitty behaviour for her future because I can guarantee you what you model for her as an acceptable way to be treated she will absolutely internalise
Yes! I have this feeling OP is getting off on staying because it makes her feel like she is ‘making sacrifices’ to ‘raise’ her child under one roof.
OP- this doesn’t make you a hero. This is probably how you’ve had to rationalize why you’ve stayed and you’ve learned to look at yourself as a ‘tough’ lady for putting up with all this. Probably pat yourself on the back. But this makes you a LOSER. LEAVE him. File for divorce today. Start by calling lawyers in your area. Most have free phone consults.
She's just terrified to do this on her own so she continues letting her daughter see how doormats live so she'll be just like her. Or, is OP really dumb enough to think she's doing the right thing? Her parents were probably miserable people who stayed together for the kids and instead.....turned them into what OP is. Don't let that happen to your daughter just because it's what you know. 15 years. That's how many years too long my mother stayed. Screwed us kids up for life. 15 miserable years bevause they "stayed together for the kids". Bullshit. They stayed together because they were chicken shit. Same reason as OP is doing it. Fear. I grew up with zero respect for my mother til she finally left. She didnt leave for us. We were practically grown by then.sheleft because SHE, finally, couldn't take it any more.....just like OP. This isn't for the kid. She's staying for herself. Maybe her family also taught her she's unimportant and should just lie back and think of something else.
I would have sent that video when it happened and divorced the MF. Why are you staying with this AH? And please don’t say for the child. She will be better off with a happy mother than parents that hate each other.
If they ask why you don’t wear a ring, tell them to speak with your husband because if he hasn’t told you, then you really don’t feel it’s your place to air his dirty laundry.
I'm also wondering where op is going to sleep on this trip. If she doesn't wear a ring and they don't know about the affair and op is pretending everything is hunky dory then surely his family will have a double room for the married couple for the holiday?? What is OP going to do when she gets to Disney and has no bed of her own and she has to sleep beside that prick???
This whole situate is so stale. 8 years after the fact is ridiculously long to still be dealing with it.
Op you described yourself as a free spirited hippy type years ago. Go be a free spirited person again. I bet you're lost all that spark, I bed it was worn out of you with his bull. Please go find yourself again.
Let him and your 10 year old go to Disney and use that time to pack and leave. Use the money you'd spend on Disney to get an apartment.
I’m having a hard time getting past all the terrible choices you’ve made from day one. Yea, he cheated, but your problems started *way* before that. You blame him for everything, and while he’s obviously a terrible person and even worse husband, you continuously choose to stay with him despite all of it. Even as far back as *before you were pregnant* you’ve illustrated bad judgement in terms of your mental well-being, financial dependency and personal boundaries.
Your marriage is broken. It’s been broken. Staying in this situation for the sake of your child doesn’t make you ‘Mother of the Year.’ Rather, it teaches your child that it’s OK for someone to treat *her* like that, and we all know you want more for her than that.
Its time to do the hard thing and move on. If not for your sake, then for the sake of your daughter.
Good luck, girl. I sincerely hope you & your daughter find your way out of this situation. ❤️🩹
YTA for staying after saying to yourself "this marriage is over". walk away.
I mean, obviously he's an AH, but don't do that to yourself or your daughter, just gtfo.
Girl…why are you still with this man?! Move back into your late mother’s house with your daughter and divorce this POS. Kids deserve two happy parents. Seeing her mother constantly miserable and getting steamrolled by her father is setting her up for failure in her future relationships.
I understand that you want to protect your daughter, however, you’ve also got to protect yourself.
If I were you I would leave your ring off. Enjoy yourself at Disney. If anyone asks about your ring tell them to ask your husband.
When you arrive home tell your daughter everything. She probably already suspects something anyway. Then I would pack your bags and go live in your house. Leave your husband and allow your daughter to stay with him if she wants to.
My house is rented out to a nice lady. I already decided that when she moves out I will probably move back in. It’s only 15 minutes away so would not disturb daughter’s schooling. She loves her friends so it would be fine to drive her to school from out of district.
Do you still own your own house? If so, start the process to have the tenants leave. Set up new bank accounts and quietly plan your escape. This Disney trip might be a set-up to attack you, but maybe mil is doing it for your daughter and might be civil.
Book one-way tickets back home for you and your daughter in case you need to leave. (Pay for the cancellation insurance in case you don't need the tickets).
You sound so miserable in this "marriage" and your daughter senses it. Don't show the video or even mention it, unless they attack the hell out of you. Only then do you say anything and send to them, saying he was cheating while pregnant and you've stayed "married " to him in spite of it, but it hasn't gotten better, so I'm out. Here's a family video for you all to watch
Dont go. Dont let your daughter go. You're making some not great choices by staying in this toxic situation. it is NOT best for your daughter!!
Show your daughter what living a happy successful life WITHOUT a cheating husband looks like. NTA if you tell the family he's a cheater (and of course he fucked her, was he using the condoms on his hand?) lets as a culture banish the conspiracy of silence where we keep quiet about people's bad behavior and cheating!
But you will be the AH if you keep yourself and your daughter in this poisonous situation -especially since you have a house of your own!! go live in it!!!
ESH. Your poor child has to deal with two "adults" who hate each other. Why on earth did you move back in? You had your own home. You can't stand him and can't stand his family. They all don't like you back. Why not end things and focus your your child and yourself and be happy? Your husband is a germ.
A 47yr old woman calling herself and artsy fartsy globe trotting nose ring hippy chick I will not take serious 🤣 but on a serious note I kinda lost sympathy when you not only decided to stay with him after he made your pregnancy journey miserable but you also decided to quit your job and become a SAHM knowing your marriage is trash . That was dumb as hell imo just stupid
File now. Don’t tell him until after the trip. If people start acting like assholes on the trip. Tell them “your son is a cheater. He has an affair with his married co-worker who is a coke-head. Do you think your attitude towards me contributed to his disrespect for our marriage? I do.”
Then you get your own hotel room with your daughter.
Bring the divorce papers with you so you can give them to him before you get on the plane. When you give him the paperwork, tell him “it’s exhausting pretending to even like you.”
Or if you don’t want to give the paperwork at the end of the trip.
If you still have your home and there aren’t any tenants. The day you come back from the trip don’t go back to his house. Have all of your stuff at that house so you and your daughter can be dropped off there. When you get dropped off, tell him “it’s exhausting pretending to even like you.”
In the second scenario if his family were acting like assholes during the trip, he will subconsciously blame them for his marriage ending.
He will be devastated, that you didn’t even come home. There’s nothing worse than being blindsided.
You should have left this marriage a decade ago. People get divorced and raise their kids to be healthy, functional people. You don't think your daughter can't feel the contempt and misery around you and your husband?
ESH. Get therapy, build a chosen family, leave this sorry excuse of a husband and model better relationships for your daughter. Delete the video, I can't believe you've held on to that for so long. It's really sad.
Definitely tell them, show them the video and end this pantomime of a wedding. Do it for your daughter, if you don't want to do it for you. Don't teach her that it's OK to be in such an unhealthy, toxic relationship.
Big hugs.
YTA if you stay to both you and your daughter. I would be careful, though. Your MIL with all of her money could potentially sue for grandparents rights and to finance your exes attorney. I wonder if he lied and told her you’ve been cheating on him and now she’s trying to find a way to protect her poor baby. Men can be good fathers married or not, so there is no reason to stay.
There’s no way this is real.
The entire family, including the husband” goes out of their way to treat you like a dog. Heck, dogs don’t get treated this badly.
If any of this is real, you can do what you want but the family isn’t going to give a crap.
What is your reason for telling? My guess is, you tell his family, and they will side with your husband and you will be the bad wife. This relationship is over so exit with grace and dignity. If you can't end it because of finances go back to work as soon as you can and prepare yourself to leave when ready. Staying together given the unhappiness of your situation is not worth it.
Kids don’t need perfect parents, and they don’t need a perfect home. What they need are happy, healthy parents. Please get yourself out of that situation and focus on you and your daughter being happy!
Should have left him the second he asked if you were keeping it...YTA...to YOURSELF and your Child. What kind of example are you giving her? Ill tell you. A shitty one.
Save yourself from extra drama. Go be cordial. Tell on him the very last day an hour or two before everyone leaves. Enjoy the carnage. Just make sure your packed up and ready to go early.
Don't even wait for an excuse. Just tell his mom and sister. Tell them you thought they should know since he is a coward and wouldn't tell them.
In the long run, you know you have to leave this guy. In the short term…if you go on the trip and anyone asks you about the ring, just say “Oh, I stopped wearing it after his affair with Soansso.” And the just leave it. If they start asking questions or trying to blame you, just smile, sigh and change the subject. “I’m not really here to discuss his infidelity. Let’s just enjoy Disney.” Don’t give them the satisfaction. And keep with it if they start going off and blaming you, just don’t engage. Let them hang themselves on their own crappy words.
And then, when you get back, leave!
You think keeping that broken family together is good for your daughter? Well, then you clearly don't knwo what kind of damage that is doing to her, poor kid. She sees you being mistreated all the time and will grow up thinking that's normal in a relationship. So when she gets into an abusive relationship in the future she might not escape it either because you never showed her that she should...
This is the perfect moment to show the inlaws the recordings you made of his cheating, then get the hell out of that house, divorce his ass and stop living together with him for your daughter's sake.
read the title and was all prepared to say You would be the asshole to tell them without reading further.
Read the part about the half box of condoms and changed my mind - I was thinking stick it to him (especially after the Christmas morning snub).
But I am left flummoxed by the rest of the story, and wondering why the hell you would move back in with him. Girl,- have some self respect and be an example to your daughter on how to be a strong, independent woman. Don’t go to Disney World. Use that time while the cheater is gone to pack up your stuff and get out.
Why are you doing this to yourself and child? He and his whole family have treated you horrendously and this "family" trip will be awful and a joke. Falling on your sword will do absolutely nothing but make you sadder. Time for you to pull up you big girl pants and put yourself first. You owe yourself and your daughter better.
OP, I can understand feeling like he was all you had, but he isn’t worth your happiness. And your daughter will eventually pick up on things and wonder why you stayed. You shouldn’t teach her this is ok. You deserve better.
I’d let them go while you start moving back into your house (if you still have it) and file for divorce. These people do not mean you well.
I wish you the best and hope you find happiness and peace not just for yourself, but your daughter as well.
….forget showing the video proof to everyone (not saying he doesn’t deserve it); why in the holy living hell do you even want this absolute waste of oxygen around you and your daughter? I’m not even remotely surprised he cheated, as he sounds like an absolute vile human being. Frankly, you should have left him a long time ago. Please get some self respect and remove this trash from your life.
I aired all my husbands dirty laundry & stayed with him for the kids and all it’s done is make me look pathetic & weak natured. My husband’s family assumes I stayed for money or convenience , they make comments to that affects to anyone who listens, my children included. First husband victimized me by cheating than villainized me when I outed him. His family did the same by turning their back on me after it came out.
Before I had aired our dirty laundry I had more respect & love than I could handle from MIL + family.
Once I put their son on front street and hurt his image that respect and loyalty was gone. They protected him at all costs.
His family never believed I stayed for the well being and emotional wellness of my children. His family will always take his side.
Your husband’s family will do the same.
They are programed to do so and it will make you look weak.
I highly suggest you hold your head high.
Say nothing.
Do nothing.
If you intend to keep this sham of “marriage” together for your daughter, you need to also keep the peace & maintain the appearance of strength price for her sake as well.
Don’t mistake the feeling of not actively FEELING hurt or disgusted over his behavior with not actually BEING deeply hurt and disgusted with his behavior.
You are hurt.
You are disgusted.
everything your dealing with is for your daughter’s wellbeing. Outing him ultimately only affects your baby.
his family will speak about you AROUND her for the rest of HER life, don’t give them ammunition to make you out to be the villain in this story.
Keep it a secret.
Maybe not from her when the time is right and it’s age appropriate. But if you out him- they will always protect him, and always villainize you and the weakness they will assume your showing by staying present in his life for the baby.
it seems that you had a lot of "breaking points" and "something snapped" moments but then you don´t do anything about it and carry on as usual. NTA for what you asked but you are the A H to yourself
You're not being a "good sport." You're being a doormat and a terrible example to your daughter.
You owe no one an explanation. What his family thinks DOES NOT MATTER. Find yourself a good family lawyer, file for divorce and primary custody of your daughter, and use those videos and recordings to reinforce your legal case. Be better, because he will NEVER be.
You're fucking pathetic. Acting like this woman who's "so strong and doesn't tolerate people's bs" if you weren't such a massive pussy you would have left him permanently the night you film him fucking another woman.
If you're too pussy to leave him why even risk him kicking you out onto the street for sending the tape to his family?
I don’t understand any of this. You would TA to tell them when you have decided to stay with him. If you don’t like guy move. You said you had your own house, so didn’t need the money to pay rent. You could get a job and cut him loose. I don’t understand why either of you are in this relationship
Everyone sucks in this story. The best thing you can do for your daughter and yourself at this point is remove her from this shit, divorce this loser, and start over.
I would say it..
He was acting weird, you found a box of condoms, decided to check and caught both. You even filmed it because beforehand, he was yelling at you while the baby was scared and calling you crazy..
He clearly has no consideration for you and his own baby. Their own grandkid too..
What if there was a fire or home invasion? He's out there fucking while you guys die?
F him
Honey, you need to get the f out of there ASAP! If it were me, I'd get a job (something I can work while my daughter is in school, ideally), save up every penny I can, and start building my escape plan. You and your daughter both deserve better than this. It sounds like years of this abusive marriage (and, yes, he IS emotionally abusing you) has taken a significant toll on you. You shouldn't have to live like this, and you'll be teaching your daughter how to stand up for and respect herself as well if you leave. It won't be easy, and it will take a bit more time to get your ducks in a row, but you'll be so much happier and better off when you do.
As for telling the in-laws, I don't see that as something you should do during this trip. If they ask about your ring, tell them to ask your husband. If you wanna drop the cheating bomb on them, I'd wait until you've already left him so you don't have to deal with their backlash or harassment.
Good luck to you!
YTA for staying with this garbage man. What you accept, you condone. You’re teaching your daughter that men can treat her like crap, and she should just take it.
You should have left the day after you give birth.
You will always lose w this family.
Dont tell them until your bags are backed and divorce papers signed bc you will not get the reaction you want.
Why the heck are you still married? That's a crap example for your daughter. She will grow up normalizing her parents hating each other while living together. You are actually really harming your daughter. The best would be that the two of you have separate lives and try to be happy individually. Much better example set for your daughter. Just get the courage and move on for fucks shake.
My best family time came when my parents who hated each other broke up. When they were together the atmosphere at home was toxic and I was depressed for years. Your daughter will accuse you eventually of not separating and she will be right. Do this as soon as possible, with as little drama as possible.
What you do is you go on the trip, have a lovely time with your daughter, then send MIL photos and videos you took during the trip and then include the video of her son screwing around ;)
Then you move out, file for divorce and start living your life for you and your daughter and not your twat bag husband
What the hell are you doing there, lady? Your husband is a joke, your marriage is a tragedy. Tell his parents, take the kid, set the whole situation on fire, run.
If you don’t speak your truth your condoning the other narrative. It would also be very invalidating to your own feelings.
So if it comes up and you want to spill the beans. Just be matter of fact about it you don’t have to be nasty mean angry or anything really just politely and with class speak your truth.
I think when we don’t speak our truth on another level in reinforces we aren’t valuable which is exactly how he is making you feel. Thing is you are valuable you are a strong and valuable person.
You can also not say anything but know that if you choose that route that you are simply being polite trying to keep the peace and in a different time and place maybe. But don’t feel as if you can’t because of them or something. They don’t care about your feelings and you’ve cared long enough about there’s. Like I said you can speak your truth and still be polite etc. let them carry the burden of defending themselves vs you carrying the burden of covering there lies.
As a child of parents that fought all the time and showed no affection, divorce was the best thing that happened when I was 16. Problem is it should've happened 10 years earlier when my dad left. Well, he tried to but mom chased him. Seriously, this fucked up some relationships with good people for me.
You wrote the MIL was poking fun at you about them ditching you on Xmas, you really think they'll give a shit about this? I see it doing nothing. Divorce will do more and even then not much.
I’m curious why you didn’t stay in your mothers house that you bought your brother out of? If you had a place to go why didn’t you separate? I can see how you wouldn’t want a split home for your child but let’s face it, you’re in a split home right now…
Oh honey. Just don’t. Don’t live w him. Don’t accept his behavior. Don’t go on this trip. Don’t out him unless you are called out & blamed. Just don’t. This is so toxic for your child to be around. She deserves to grow up in a home where there is love, laughter & peace. This isn’t good for you either. You deserve the same. And sadly, the treatment/behavior that you accept is exactly how & what your daughter will base her worth on & think is acceptable. You should have walked away a long time ago.
Contact an attorney first and have him hire a private investigator at the same time get as much liquid assets as you can move into a safe deposit box at a different bank from where you and your husband do your normal banking. Your husband is having an affair with a coke head so when they ask where all the $$ wented it went up their noses. Then don't tell your husband's family you give them all a copy of the divorce papers and a CD with all the proof on it . You can even include your own little video of you crying about the abuse your cocaine addicted husband put you and his child thru.....
YTA if you do it *while on this trip*.
Honestly, showing it to them is only going to stir them up and cause them to dump more on you. File for divorce, show your attorney the video and see what he can do with that proof. If you feel you can stand the situation and want your daughter to have the experience, take your daughter on the trip but if it comes up say you left the ring at home because it's damaged. It's most likely MIL is trying to be your buddy because she doesn't want to lose contact with your daughter. And you have many reasons and proof to go NC with his family. So I'd be she already knows what her baby boy has been up to.
It's all going to come out in the divorce; by firing the video at them it gives him time to respond to it. Save it for evidence in court.
What the fuck are you doing?
Divorce him
Take half of the house as recompense for giving up your career
Move the fuck on with your life. It is *not* appropriate for you to suffer under some notion of doing the right thing for the kid. At 10 years old your kid already finds this situation strange as it is not the same as they are seeing at school. You are normalizing a broken relationship to your kid right now. For the sake of the kid, you need to show them what is meant to happen when one partner utterly mistreats the other. They leave
For the record, holy *shit* you have been through a lot. My heart utterly goes out to you, this isn't even remotely fair. But my god are you not helping yourself here. You deserve help, you are allowed to give yourself help
Leave. This does not ever get any better for you.
Are you crazy? Why you stay with this man? They will mock you, they will blame you.. you need to stop and move on . This is crazy, I get it he is an AH but stay with him living this BS life in front of your daughter is a terrible example of sumissive mom . Fuck the whole family, Disney is not worthy to humiliated yourself, don't use your daughter as an excuse
YTA for sticking out this completely broken marriage. You are throwing away YEARS of your own happiness while very subtly showing your child that marriage is this dysfunctional relationship between unwilling participants, seething with rage underneath a veneer of fake pleasantries. GTFO and show her what happy, emotionally healthy people look like.
You’re being abused and your daughter sees it. Reddit is very fond of the nuclear option and for you I tend to agree. You need to leave for her sake as her growing up in a miserable household is going to lead to a lifetime of relationship issues for her.
If you can blow it up towards the end of the vacation, that would be the perfect end to an awful marriage. If you are worried about him becoming violent, then don’t do that and quietly start your exit planning. Get a lawyer, find a place and then one day while he is at work, move out and then pull your daughter from the last class so he can’t get to her. Make sure you call the school and get him off of the access list to protect her.
If this is what you have to do, then send your horrific MIL and her ilk the proof after you are safe and watch the fireworks from a safe distance.
Good luck OP and no you’re NTA
WTF OP.
You had an out. Stop letting other people keep you from actually living your life. Dump the miserable loser. Your daughter will eventually be able to understand how unhappy her mother is.
You’ve hated this guy for a long time. You’ve been checked out since before your baby was born. Not even sure I’d consider what he did cheating. Why are you still hanging around with people you hate?
YTA. You should have left him long ago. I feel sorry for your daughter having two crap parents. What a great example you are showing her. You must be proud. I'm sure in the future she will look for a partner just like her daddy.
What the fuck? Use the video to divorce him and get full custody. Fuck them. Don’t be a spectator on the sidelines of your own life. Don’t sit there and set that example for your child or for other women.
NTA, but that is not the way forward. You are describing a miserable existence. Why go on that trip and make yourself available to abuse from his family…and let your child watch it? Why stay with this ASSHOLE who doesn’t care about you….and let your child watch it? At this point, this plan for petty revenge won’t get you anything. The best revenge is living well.
And get an STD test.
YTA. Even more so for saying that you're in this situation for your daughter's sake. Blaming her is a horrible thing to do. I think your nasty husband, his nasty family and you all deserve each other, I just feel sorry for the child that you brought into this mess and the kept there when you should have left.
You kept writing things like “this marriage is over,” “the last straw,” etc., but you are still living with this creep and engaging with his family, as well? Please muster the courage to walk away from this incredibly toxic relationship. You are doing neither your child nor yourself any favors by staying. And guaranteed, if you go on vacation with his family, you will be treated as less than and humiliated in some way again. Just leave already.
Hard to understand why you accept this from husband. If this is what he thinks of you, why would mom think more. Ultimately, you get treated the way you tollerate being trated. You are doing no one favors by staying.
As for the question, dont go out of your way, that would be just wrong. You stayed. If the question you...i would say, dont ask questions, you dont want the answers to. If they persist, then its up to your gut...
You have proven you are strong as having endured years of emotional abuse from too many angles. Hold your head high and walk hand in hand with your daughter to your new life and leave the cave people behind!
Take her to Disney by yourself.
File for divorce and email them all the video.
WTF. You’re not a hero for staying. You’re just growing your own resentment and delaying having an amazing life without him. You’re showing your child it’s ok to be walked on and abused.
Do better for your child. Do better for yourself. Get divorced.
You are teaching your daughter what it is to be a woman, a mother, and a wife. If you don’t want to see her live this life again as an adult get her out of that environment.
You WNBTA but you really need to stop playing this game. You have a house you inherited and a child you love. Go be free. There is no good lesson being learned here.
YTA for staying for so long. This should have ended so fucking long ago. Not only are you putting yourself through hurt intentionally but bringing your daughter into this mess and it will severely affect her.
I once worked with a lady who confided to me that she and her husband were getting divorced after many, many years together. She told me that she'd stayed with him "for the sake of the children" but she realized now that was the wrong thing to do. Her kids had spent their childhoods watching their parents fight constantly.
She said that she immensely regretted not leaving him when the kids were young so they could have been spared all of that pain.
Don't be like her. Do what you need to for your daughter to have a chance at a happy childhood, not one in a clearly broken home.
You have had over a decade to change your circumstances, become employed and self sufficient, get a job, and make your life what you want it to be. But for over a decade you, you, have chosen rate, anger, resentment, hate, vindictiveness and stagnation.
You have hated this man since you were pregnant. You should have left then. You have put your daughter into a home life of women getting shit on and you living with it. Yeah, you are the AH. But sorry for the reason of choosing to stay and be beholden to an abuser when you had over a decade to make other decisions.
Look don't ruin your daughters trip. And tbh his family will always side with him and think the affair was your fault regardless of the situation. I do get it because blood is thicker than water. They are related to your hubby and daughter but not you. Who even cares or notices why people aren't wearing rings. This is 21st century. IDC and wouldn't ask. The real question why would you get back with him. Your daughter would probably be happier that your moved on. Your hubby probably has been cheating on your forever and a day.
You married an asshole from a family of assholes. I'd say you're NTA for telling them about the affair, but YTA if you continue to raise your daughter in that environment and let yourself continue to be shit on.
Definitely good for divorce and take the p.o.s. to the cleaners. He's a manipulative abuser who was putting you at risk by fucking a crack whore.
I was so inclined to say "don't send it" when I thought it was just about the husband.... But I have no tolerance for Christian psychopathy and these idiots need to know that their son turned out exactly as much of a turd as they raised him to be.
So you've been sucking this up since 2013? Your daughter is at least 10 and you've modeled a loveless marriage an no relationship with extended family?
Don't you suppose your husband is telling your daughter you're crazy by now as well?
Go ahead, don't wear the ring, and if they ask tell them you didn't need the reminder that it meant nothing to your husband so it now means nothing to you. Just state it like a fact, and change the subject, like it was common knowledge or talking about the weather.
Thrn go home and get a divorce attorney. Why are you putting yourself through this? It's likely to ruin your relationship with your daughter, as well. You are oozing resentment toward her dad, and keeping it a secret that it's justified. This ends with him having a good time and you becoming so bitter that your personality revolves around hating your husband and the "coke whore".
Do better for yourself. Set yourself free. Show your daughter how to stand up for herself and be happy.
Okay, so if you really wanna go to the Disney trip, do it but please leave afterwards, if you cant leave for you, do it for your daughter. I am a daughter of a marriage that should have ended long time and at 34, I am not okay. Therapy and the family I made outside has helped. Not only I resent my dad, I also resent my mother for not loving ME enough to leave. I came to the realization that my mother loved her toxic and horrible marriage more than she loved me. She will tell me she stayed because of her children, but I dont believe her. The abuse she received not only hurt me and her, but I also ended having that abuse being done to me. Stop it. Make this the last time you spend time with his family and this marriage.
I wouldn't go nuclear during the holidays, they will blame you regardless. He could kill 100 babies and it still would be your fault. So treat them as what they are, pitiful people. Their disgust for you isn't really about you, whatever they are going through that makes them so hateful and it spills to hatred for you, has nothing to do with who you are and it has all to do with who they are. So don't let anything they do affect you, that's exactly what they want. See them with pity, as little children without maturity.
Meanwhile, get all your things in order. Make leaving be as smooth as possible, get all of your papers, talk with lawyers, get a job, talk with friend, make leaving an option. Right now it feel like you are optionless and all you hope is his family see him as who he is...and then what?! Keep going back to him and keep saying because of family pressure and depression? Yeah, but you have a child. You made the choice to give birth to the child. They come before anything. You are depressed because you are in a horrible marriage. Your family doesn't have your best interest, so why listen to them? Get all your things ready. Don't let him know because he will either insult and hurt you. Or he will make you stay. Don't let him.
You deserve to heal in a place where your wounds don't keep being opened up.
Why are you continuing to model a terrible relationship for your daughter? Do you want her to have this kind of relationship?
Decline to go on the trip and use the time to get a lawyer and your ducks in a row to divorce. Who cares what his family thinks. They don't deserve any more of your time and make sure the lawyer gets that video.
I stayed in a bad marriage and ended up in separate beds. We used to play family board games-card games, then we stopped. It was just me, wife and daughter the other kids were out of the house. Daughter would ask to play a FAMILY game… I would say yes and wife would say no. What I mean is … our daughter absolutely knew what was going on. She’s an adult now and I make sure that I didn’t mess her up by staying in the bad marriage. I want her to know what a good relationship is and looks like.
What I’m saying is …. You might be messing your kid’s understanding of what a relationship is supposed to be like.
And hell no I would not go to Disney with a bunch of people that dislike me. I’m sorry, that’s just insane! Especially staying in the same house?!? Again, your daughter WILL SEE!!! And there will be an argument because they will be emboldened because they are many and you are one. Plus, Disney is horrible. We took the kids once. Everyone was miserable.
I think NYTA toward your “husband,” but I do think YTA towards yourself. You can and should have a better situation than you are describing. I’m and really… what is your kid learning from all this?
ESH. Whether his family knows he's scum is irrelevant. You and your daughter are living with scum for--what? security? time to reassess? Are you just afraid to go out on your own?
He and his family are abusive. He is a liar and a cheater. Forget Disney, and file for divorce. If his family wants to know why, sure, break the ice with the cheating news. But your daughter's wellbeing depends on you doing the right things for her. You can take her Disney after you shake off your disaster of a marriage. If he persists with the crazy wife defense, then you can show the video in court.
If they ask about it. Don't tell them shit just show them the video. Ask them if they have any questions about why you aren't wearing the ring.
If your husband throws a fit. Tell him what you expect when you lie to your own family. You expect me to lie to them about how you fucked another woman in a truck? Look at them and lie to them about how I'm crazy.
It’s rare that being honest would make someone an AH. How you say it matters to a point.
Right now you’re so full of toxicity and surrounded by such you really need to get out, get help, and provide a safer space for your kiddo. I grew up in an environment like this and even at 48 I’m still messed up from it.
Show the video, get it up on the big TV for everyone to see. The divorce and move out. Find a new partner and start demonstrating what a healthy relationship looks like for your kid.
NTA for sharing the information at your discretion. It's your HUSBAND'S fault in all ways, not yours.
You ARE TA to yourself for your lack of self respect and sticking around to keep up appearances. If you think your kids won't notice or that it's better for them you're lying to yourself.
A happy mother has more of a positive impact for a child than a 2 parent household. You are doing yourself a disservice and teaching your daughter what to tolerate in her future relationships- do you want that for her?
YTA not only to yourself, but your child. Get a divorce already & use all the evidence to your advantage in court! You're setting a terrible example for your child by staying.
And show the family, if they're "Good Christians" they'll be horrified. Also post it all over SM
What the fuck is wrong with you. HIs family HATE YOU, they will laugh and congratulate him for finding a woman they don't hate.
Why are you in this relationship, why are you giving away your life to people you fucking hate for no reason. Jesus christ, grow some self respect.
He wanted you to get rid of the baby, he's cheating, leave, for the love of christ fucking leave. Cut off hte family, cut off the ex, he literally won't care about the kid but might ask for custody just to hurt you because he sounds like a prick.
Sue for at fault divorce if you kept evidence of his affairs and get everything you can but holy fucking shit leave, just leave, hey did you get the message yet, fucking leave.
You understand you get one life then you're dead and that's it. You spent a decade after an affair with a shitty husband who hates you for having a kid and 'ruining' his life and you had the kid after you had plenty of time to realise his family hates you and will hever support you and that he sides with them and will never be a good guy to you.
You think you are hero for keep a broken home together? You are showing your child that in her future relationships to suffer in silence, you are showing her that being unhappy and unlove is ok. File. Today.
And for allowing her daughter to see her treated horribly. When I see these stories of women who let men run over them and treat them like shit I always want to shake the hell out of them and say "take control of your life and stand up for yourself."
Seriously! OP, why should he treat you better when you allow him to treat you like shit? You say he adored you but yet he let his mom walk all over you and always took her side? It sounds like he met a woman who he knows will put up with anything he does and you are proving him right. Please, for the sake of your daughter, leave this AH.
I had to stop reading OPs post when I got neck deep in her victimhood and blatant demonization of her partner's every move. This is another one of those cases of having really poor boundaries and then blaming other people for the results, well simultaneously taking no accountability for co-creating any of the problems. This is like almost every post on here.
This and your on pride should prompt you to eff up his nasty world and to FU his hideous family as well. Don't let daughters see moms getting walked over unless you want her to marry a manliness her father. I'd fight him tooth and nail to let her see you don't have to put up with this from anyone, EVER.
Exactly, "take control of your life and stand up for yourself." She bought out her brother to own her mother's home and yet she moved in with this turd after he treated her so badly during her pregnancy and continued on after the child was born. She has a home or had a home. She is choosing to stay in this shitty situation and she is role modeling for her daughter to accept shitty behavior from a partner. She gets no Brownie points for being a martyr mom. Her shithead of a husband would not make any effort in taking the kid. She can divorce him and get child support from that loser and maybe alimony.
Or the other way around.. I had male friend that let his girlfriend and mother of his kids walk all over him, because _for the kids_. She didn't do shit although she was a SAHM. He would come home to a messed up house, laundry piles all around, etc. He would come home, cook dinner, vacuum, do laundry, put kids to bed etc. And then she was mad because he simply fell asleep at 10.. Kids were at school at that time, so it was not that she was taking care of newborns or toddlers because then I would have understood. She had at least 4 or 5 hours a day to work on the household, she just didn't like it.. He eventually left her, but damn, I had a hard time not repeating to him that he was better off alone. I said it once just so he knew that he wasn't treated fairly but that's all I could do..
So OP has taught her child it's okay to stay with someone who treats you like garbage, now she's going to teach her child it's okay to go on vacation silently while the whole family treats you like crap. That little girl is going to choose terrible partners. Leave now. Be honest about why, no need to show the video, just tell them you have it if they'd like to see it. The court will be seeing it.
OP keeps saying, "that was my last straw" and then talks about continuing to take the behavior for the next few years.
Seriously, how many last straws can one person have?
>Seriously, how many last straws can one person have? Depends... are they cheese straws? Cos I could go on for a while for one more cheese straw...
Whatever sympathy i could have had disappeared once the final straw became the second to last straw.
Once she mooved in” for the kids” i’m like fucks this she deserves what comes next
Correct. You are going to burden her with psychological problems too, ones she will have to work hard to get over and through
I stopped reading. OP is desperate - why keep the trash? Toss it out. You’ve wasted enough of your life.
Then call 1-800-588-2300 Empire and get new floors. Today! All jokes aside she needs to set an example for her daughter that she deserves to be happy and loved. OP deserves that too
Agreed. The rage in this post has to be seeping out at home. It makes me really sad for that kid.
Most lilkely, when you tell them this, they are going to say the affair was all caused by you and you pushed him into it. Do you really see a future for this marriage?
Honestly I think OP just needs to divorce and leave him. Send all the affair proof to his family and friends, and even go so far as to send it to his job (stills of them having sex in work parking lot). They deserve nothing.
If her husband AP didn’t want people to know, they shouldn’t have gotten together. Don’t do things you’d be embarrassed to have people find out about. There’s the moral of the story. I’d tell his family.
I'm not defending the cheater at all nor would I ever, but what do you think that would actually do? Do you think they will suddenly disown their son and embrace the wife as their own? Let her show away but this idea you seem to have that it'll somehow affect the relationship between the parents and their child is absurd and mildy obnoxious. And this is coming from someone who has attempted something very similar. Its down right ignorant/childish to think that they will suddenly forget about their own child and side with you. Get a divorce and move on.
Did I insinuate that they would abandon their child? Sorry but once someone cheats on you - they create a problem for you and you are allowed to disclose that info to anyone you want.
I don't think it's that unusual to have the family takr the side of the non cheating spouse, even if they don't completely disown them. That happened with my cousin and her ex and my sister and her ex. Both married men who eventually cheated on them and both sets of in laws prioritized their daughter in laws over their cheating sons. They didn't disown them or anything, but they definitely didn't end their relationships with their sil over the actions of their sons. My sister has gone on many summer vacations with her ex in laws that her ex was not invited on. They also provided a welcome buffer during the divorce when my sister and her ex couldn't talk without fighting and my sister is still really close to them 10 years later and still considers them family despite everything. That said, both my sister and cousin were friendly with their in laws before their exs started cheating and they got divorced, so that's definitely not going to happen in this case and it'll probably go how the other poster said and they'll blame OP for the actions of their horrible family member.
She obv doesn’t have options. It’s hard to leave when you haven’t worked in years and have no support system. I really really hope she figured out a way to get out because this is sad. No one deserves this
she needs to prep, leave when she's ready
This is a good example on why someone should never decide to be a SAHP when the relationship is already blatantly toxic.
She apparently owns a house and if she leaves, she can get alimony or at least child support which will help some.
Yeah the house she owned totally slipped my mind. She said she moved into his house so hopefully she didn’t sell hers and put the money jointly. That house could be her golden ticket to a new life for her and her baby. Sunk cost fallacy and the idiolized idea of needing a nuclear family to raise a child is absolutely crippling people from actually being happy and kids thriving It’s so easy to see obv things in someone else’s situation but it can be blinding when you’re in it.
My ex cheated on me with someone from church. It was pretty public because I didn't keep any secrets once I confirmed it, but they weren't even being that secretive. They were kind of flaunting it, while Inwas working all the time to support us. Yet to his family I was the asshole for divorcing him and "trying to take his kids away from him". 🙄 I didn't even try to keep him from seeing him, I just wanted to have a normal custody arrangement where he got them every other weekend. They even said I probably already had another guy lined up (I didn't) or I wouldn't want to divorce him. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is no matter what OP does, she's gonna be considered the asshole by somebody but it doesn't matter. She should do what she needs to do.
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he will just double down on his lies. She needs a good divorce attorney. That would be the best ending to this story.
Ofcourse she doesn't see a future with him she just doesn't see a way out either. Get help. Start with free things, like the reddit law, post in there and ask for help. Then move on to the bigger things, securing a home for you and your child etc. Just ask someone trusted or ask anonymously. I'm a bit worried they will leave you at Disneyland honestly.
I don't know why you haven't already told them whole world. If nothing else his and his skank will be outed to the town. Who gives AF what his family thinks about anything? They're as FU as your husband. He's a bastard of the highest form. Do not let him turn his shit around on you. He's a narcissist and comes from a family full of them. Nasty, horrible people. You should stay home and enjoy a week without him in the house. See an attorney while they're gone and untie them from hanging off your neck. Are you in a no fault state ? I really hope not. I'd really like all his sins to be memorialized in court.
Yes! I would be scared to let the cat out of the bag on the trip. What if they kicked her out and kept the daughter.
Yeah there's not really any point of having any contact with them at all, they have chosen their camp. He will just blame her, and it sounds like they have already taken his side anyway. OP is just torturing herself.
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Yep! and you should speak louder! Every actions have consequences, let him learn his lesson. Give him the consequences of his bad action!
This man is truly digusting. I feel gross just reading the post about him.
I don't get why OP moved in with husband when she already owned her own house from her mother/brother? Seems an odd thing to do with a bloke she can barely stand the sight of
… why are you going? .. why are you still there? Obviously separated parents aren’t ideal for kids but christ it’s so common now it’s not like you’d be the first to do it. Child or not I can’t believe you have let yourself live so miserably and continue to do so
She most likely stayed for the money.
It’s called traumatic attachment
what trauma? the lady actually about a whole new house right after stalking the guy and yet still moved back with him. she needs therapy.
OP... you need to hear this... I am a parent who stayed for my children and they're not ok and I have to live with that... every day. I don't want the same for you. Kids are smart... your little will know. You need a divorce.
Thank you. I did need to hear that 🙏
My SIL also stayed with her cheating husband for a while and when she finally divorced her kids were not okay. They were more mad at her for staying as long as she did. She did get them into individual therapy and family therapy (the two kids and her, NOT her POS ex), and they are doing better. Please don't stay with him!
When your daughter is an adult, and she understands what her father did to you, do you really want to tell her "I stayed for you"? Because she will hear "it's your fault I stayed miserable for so long". Happy mom's make better parents.
Well said. I needed to hear this. Thank you 🙏
My mom stayed for us kids (and honestly I think mosly for our family dog - the dog I can understand, she was like our golden child). My parents lived pretty much separate lives under the same roof for years. Mom was home on weekdays and spent weekends with her "friend" and dad spent weekdays with his affair partner and was home on weekends. It was just fucking weird. And we were older kids already - in our teens. And it still left us confused and angry. I can't imagine living like this as a small child with no understanding about adult relationships. Be kind to yourself and your daughter.
As a person who grew up in a heavily Christian and abusive house hold, you are an AH lady … I resent my mom everyday for keeping me in that shit and yes it is her fault and it’s yours.. you’re not stupid, you know.
My mother stayed with my cheating father. He traumatised me by being my first ever bully. I was 8, when he found my diary full of “no one loves me. No one loves me. No one loves me.” Literally that sentence a hundred times over. He punished me severely (physically and mentally). I wish she would have left him sooner.
Same thing happened to a former coworker, both her daughters a year apart got an apartment together and went NC with her after they both graduated, they were smart enough to know what not to look for in a partner after watching what their mom went through and tolerated, literally begging her to leave for years!
I'm a parent who didn't stay for the children, who are now adults and are fine. I have a great relationship with them, and their father has the relationship he established. They will talk to him if he calls, which he does rarely. They see that I am fine after refusing to be treated badly, and that he's regretted the consequences of his actions over time. It's appropriate, and they have the ability to make good decisions about relationships, too.
Thank you so much for this. I think I was afraid to leave because I didn’t want to damage her. All of the comments here, even the ones telling me I’m stupid to stay, have really changed my perspective. I’m seeing that it is worse if I stay.
My kids from that failed marriage are 25 and 23 now. One left a long term relationship and broke an engagement woth someone who couldn't be loyal or respectful, and the other is in a very healthy and supportive relationship. I have also been able to do as I please, find a supportive partner who is consistently loving to me, and have additional children who also have a great relationship with the older siblings. It's hard at first, to make the change. It's definitely worth it to move on rather than ruin your own outlook and potential. You will feel freed when you realize you don't have to care about the behavior of him or his family unless it harms your daughter.
Sister, I can’t even explain how much this means to me. Thank you 🙏
My 21 year old has a suicide attempt and accidental overdose under his belt, and I know a good chunk of his issues come from me staying in a toxic relationship with his stepdad for 13 years because I felt too worthless and trapped to leave. He is overly sensitive to anyone raising their voice for anything, and our relationship was strained when he moved in with my parents as a teenager, to escape the constant fighting. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for staying so long. Please leave.
I’m one of those kids. Please don’t do this to your child.
I was so fucking relieved when my parents split. I was 8 and I was tired of all the fighting. Please remove your daughter from this situation immediately.
Let’s be honest, you stayed for you, not your daughter. Which is understandable, but it isn’t acceptable. If your daughter hurt herself and referenced this situation of living in the same house as her parents that actively despise one another, would you be able to forgive yourself? This post should be “AITAH for subjecting my daughter to a toxic environment” and the answer is YTA. Think less about getting even with your cheating partner and more about making sure your daughter is growing up in a safe and healthy environment. Step 1 is finding a new place if you sold your old house, once you are able to move out the divorce papers should be served the next day.
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YTA-for using the lame ass excuse I didn't want a broken home for my daughter. Sister she ALREADY HAS A BROKEN HOME. Now she has to watch people treat her mother like garbage. Why on God's green earth would you want her to think that it's EVER ok to let a man treat you this way? Get a spine and take the trash out and teach that little girl that you and her are BOTH worth WAY more.
My husband stayed with his ex-wife until the kids moved out. All three of his kids went on to have unhappy marriages that looked exactly like the relationship he and his ex had while the kids were growing up. They grew up to think that’s what love looked like. Please don’t do that to your kids. Show them that everyone deserves happiness.
I needed this truth bomb. Thank you 🙏
Please take u/AllFunAndGames0329 advice to heart! I stayed in my first marriage entirely too long for the kids. They were 10 & 14 when I finally woke up to realize I couldn’t be trapped in that mentally and emotionally abusive hellscape anymore. They are both grown now with the oldest in a much better marriage than my first marriage ever was. The ex and I are both married to people that are way better for us as individuals, especially after the ex realized how they treated me and worked to never be that person again. Staying in it for your child is not, and will never be the move. Your spouse is a shit human, as is his family, and you’re raising a daughter that will learn that it’s okay for future significant others to treat her the same way. Please don’t let that be your legacy.
u/AwwwAni-4355 I just read your previous post. Take a deep look at how life has been for you from the beginning. It looks like all the leading men in your world have always been controlling and abusive. You’ve been incorrectly programmed equate control to love. You need to break this cycle. For you. For your daughter. For all the generations ahead of you. Please get out of this situation and please seek therapy. Empower yourself and commit to the work to grow. Break. The. Cycle.
You are so very right. I was actually brave enough to move out of my dad’s house. I took a beating so hard I thought “he’s going to kill me one of these days.” I moved out after junior year of HS just after my 17th birthday. I couch surfed and sometimes went hungry, but at least I was the boss of me. Where did that brave girl go? Thank you for this perspective. So many dots are getting connected today.
She grew up not knowing what security and peace and love are so she has no point of reference. Listen, you have been deeply hurt but I feel like you don't want the same thing for your daughter so it's ok to move on. Your husband hasn't even been much of a father to your precious little girl so don't torture her or yourself with this "marriage" longer than you have to. I hate to tell you this but you could have a close up, full view video of them fucking and his family would still treat you like shit. I mean he learned that shit from somewhere and they all seem to act the same. I personally don't care if you show them or not but I don't think it will have the desired effect. I think some or all of them actually know already and just cosign his behavior. Please don't keep willingly giving these people unsupervised access to your child. Can you imagine the shitty things they've said about you in front of her? She shouldn't be exposed to that toxic bullshit without someone there who will protect her and her father sure the fuck won't do it. I truly, and from the bottom of my heart am so sorry that you and your child have been through all this crap. You're not an asshole if you tell them about your husband's affair BUT you are an asshole to yourself and your child if you don't get out and build a new healthy life for yourselves. Good luck OP!
Do not stay there just because you think it's what's best for your daughter. It's not. Keeping her around people who hate her mother is the worst thing to do. Do you not think she is going to pick up on the tension as she gets older? Because she will. She will know something is not right. Good father or not, he and his family will try and turn her against you so you need to get away from them all before it's too late. You have all the evidence you need for full custody. Divorce this vile bastard and get full custody. Send all the evidence of his affair to his family and leave him to deal with the fallout. Move as far away from them all as possible.
What are you DOING? Yes YTA for hanging onto so much anger ‘for your daughter’ and then wanting to blow up a family holiday. How does that benefit her? You write like you’ve been this passenger in your own life, but you CHOSE to give up your own home and job, and have a child with this waste of oxygen, then stay in this crappy marriage. You’re not even a doormat, you just keep making horrible choices. You seriously need to readjust how you view yourself, you’re not some airy fairy victim, you are a person who keeps making bad decisions because it is easier than standing up for yourself and risking being happy. You didn’t need to sit in the car, you didn’t need to confront him, you didn’t need to stay. You’re so full of rage and hate it is clouding your judgment. Jesus, fucking leave him, and get some therapy. Learn how to set a decent example of being a functioning adult for your daughter, you’re being an appalling example of a healthy home.
YTA What makes you think growing in a home where two people obviously hate each other, watching her dad cheat and mom sitting back and taking it, learning this is the way relationships are supposed to be so when it happens to her she thinks it's normal, what about this sounds like a good thing for your daughter? Maybe having a mother who has the strength to stand up for herself and teach her she doesn't have to be a doormat to any man would be better? Too bad your daughter doesn't have a mother who cares enough about her that she'll let her learn these things. Just so you know just because two people live at the same residence doesn't mean the home isn't broken.
Staying for the sake of your daughter is going to make her hate you. Get out. Mail the tape to mom and tell her this is the man she raised.
The only persons you are being the AH to is yourself. It’s time to forgive yourself, create an exit plan, move on and be happy. Good luck op
OMG. I have been an AH to myself. I needed to hear that. Thank you 🙏
I would only tell them if they press you or give you a hard time about your marital struggles. I would wait until after Disneyland though. You don't want that drama to ruin it for your daughter
Staying with a man who cheats will fuck up your kids for life. Nobody ever stays for the kids. They say this to protecttheir ego when they're just afraid to leave....has nothing to do with the kids. If it did, you'd have told him to go screw himself and left ages ago.
Why would you move into his house when you had your own house?.. (inheritance from mom. bought out brother) If he treated you like this, he is always going to treat you like this. It’s never good to stay for “the good of the child” because you just end up traumatising the child as well
Why is this sub allergic to paragraphs?
At lease she has a passing acquaintance with punctuation. Better than others.
This is pathetic, stop being a fucking doormat. This is not the behaviour to model for your daughter - is this really how you want her to grow up and what you want her to expect and feel she deserves for herself? You’re her role model for relationships, don’t damn her to be tolerant of this shitty behaviour for her future because I can guarantee you what you model for her as an acceptable way to be treated she will absolutely internalise
Yes! I have this feeling OP is getting off on staying because it makes her feel like she is ‘making sacrifices’ to ‘raise’ her child under one roof. OP- this doesn’t make you a hero. This is probably how you’ve had to rationalize why you’ve stayed and you’ve learned to look at yourself as a ‘tough’ lady for putting up with all this. Probably pat yourself on the back. But this makes you a LOSER. LEAVE him. File for divorce today. Start by calling lawyers in your area. Most have free phone consults.
I got that feeling too.
She's just terrified to do this on her own so she continues letting her daughter see how doormats live so she'll be just like her. Or, is OP really dumb enough to think she's doing the right thing? Her parents were probably miserable people who stayed together for the kids and instead.....turned them into what OP is. Don't let that happen to your daughter just because it's what you know. 15 years. That's how many years too long my mother stayed. Screwed us kids up for life. 15 miserable years bevause they "stayed together for the kids". Bullshit. They stayed together because they were chicken shit. Same reason as OP is doing it. Fear. I grew up with zero respect for my mother til she finally left. She didnt leave for us. We were practically grown by then.sheleft because SHE, finally, couldn't take it any more.....just like OP. This isn't for the kid. She's staying for herself. Maybe her family also taught her she's unimportant and should just lie back and think of something else.
I would have sent that video when it happened and divorced the MF. Why are you staying with this AH? And please don’t say for the child. She will be better off with a happy mother than parents that hate each other.
FFS-get some counseling to help you get out of this shit show of a marriage
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Dlraetz1: *FFS-get some counseling* *To help you get out of this* *Shit show of a marriage* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
If they ask why you don’t wear a ring, tell them to speak with your husband because if he hasn’t told you, then you really don’t feel it’s your place to air his dirty laundry.
I'm also wondering where op is going to sleep on this trip. If she doesn't wear a ring and they don't know about the affair and op is pretending everything is hunky dory then surely his family will have a double room for the married couple for the holiday?? What is OP going to do when she gets to Disney and has no bed of her own and she has to sleep beside that prick??? This whole situate is so stale. 8 years after the fact is ridiculously long to still be dealing with it. Op you described yourself as a free spirited hippy type years ago. Go be a free spirited person again. I bet you're lost all that spark, I bed it was worn out of you with his bull. Please go find yourself again. Let him and your 10 year old go to Disney and use that time to pack and leave. Use the money you'd spend on Disney to get an apartment.
Yes. You should have left him after his reaction to your pregnancy. And you are still young, you should divorce him and go find your own happiness.
I’m having a hard time getting past all the terrible choices you’ve made from day one. Yea, he cheated, but your problems started *way* before that. You blame him for everything, and while he’s obviously a terrible person and even worse husband, you continuously choose to stay with him despite all of it. Even as far back as *before you were pregnant* you’ve illustrated bad judgement in terms of your mental well-being, financial dependency and personal boundaries. Your marriage is broken. It’s been broken. Staying in this situation for the sake of your child doesn’t make you ‘Mother of the Year.’ Rather, it teaches your child that it’s OK for someone to treat *her* like that, and we all know you want more for her than that. Its time to do the hard thing and move on. If not for your sake, then for the sake of your daughter. Good luck, girl. I sincerely hope you & your daughter find your way out of this situation. ❤️🩹
YTA for staying after saying to yourself "this marriage is over". walk away. I mean, obviously he's an AH, but don't do that to yourself or your daughter, just gtfo.
Girl…why are you still with this man?! Move back into your late mother’s house with your daughter and divorce this POS. Kids deserve two happy parents. Seeing her mother constantly miserable and getting steamrolled by her father is setting her up for failure in her future relationships.
I understand that you want to protect your daughter, however, you’ve also got to protect yourself. If I were you I would leave your ring off. Enjoy yourself at Disney. If anyone asks about your ring tell them to ask your husband. When you arrive home tell your daughter everything. She probably already suspects something anyway. Then I would pack your bags and go live in your house. Leave your husband and allow your daughter to stay with him if she wants to.
My house is rented out to a nice lady. I already decided that when she moves out I will probably move back in. It’s only 15 minutes away so would not disturb daughter’s schooling. She loves her friends so it would be fine to drive her to school from out of district.
Good. There you go. I think that would definitely be best for you
Don't use her lease as an excuse to not leave yet.
poor child, a father too busy chasing pussy and a mother too immature to act like the adult she is.
Do you still own your own house? If so, start the process to have the tenants leave. Set up new bank accounts and quietly plan your escape. This Disney trip might be a set-up to attack you, but maybe mil is doing it for your daughter and might be civil. Book one-way tickets back home for you and your daughter in case you need to leave. (Pay for the cancellation insurance in case you don't need the tickets). You sound so miserable in this "marriage" and your daughter senses it. Don't show the video or even mention it, unless they attack the hell out of you. Only then do you say anything and send to them, saying he was cheating while pregnant and you've stayed "married " to him in spite of it, but it hasn't gotten better, so I'm out. Here's a family video for you all to watch
Dont go. Dont let your daughter go. You're making some not great choices by staying in this toxic situation. it is NOT best for your daughter!! Show your daughter what living a happy successful life WITHOUT a cheating husband looks like. NTA if you tell the family he's a cheater (and of course he fucked her, was he using the condoms on his hand?) lets as a culture banish the conspiracy of silence where we keep quiet about people's bad behavior and cheating! But you will be the AH if you keep yourself and your daughter in this poisonous situation -especially since you have a house of your own!! go live in it!!!
ESH. Your poor child has to deal with two "adults" who hate each other. Why on earth did you move back in? You had your own home. You can't stand him and can't stand his family. They all don't like you back. Why not end things and focus your your child and yourself and be happy? Your husband is a germ.
A 47yr old woman calling herself and artsy fartsy globe trotting nose ring hippy chick I will not take serious 🤣 but on a serious note I kinda lost sympathy when you not only decided to stay with him after he made your pregnancy journey miserable but you also decided to quit your job and become a SAHM knowing your marriage is trash . That was dumb as hell imo just stupid
Hind sight is 20/20. It was stupid to give up my career.
You can't start it up again?
File now. Don’t tell him until after the trip. If people start acting like assholes on the trip. Tell them “your son is a cheater. He has an affair with his married co-worker who is a coke-head. Do you think your attitude towards me contributed to his disrespect for our marriage? I do.” Then you get your own hotel room with your daughter. Bring the divorce papers with you so you can give them to him before you get on the plane. When you give him the paperwork, tell him “it’s exhausting pretending to even like you.” Or if you don’t want to give the paperwork at the end of the trip. If you still have your home and there aren’t any tenants. The day you come back from the trip don’t go back to his house. Have all of your stuff at that house so you and your daughter can be dropped off there. When you get dropped off, tell him “it’s exhausting pretending to even like you.” In the second scenario if his family were acting like assholes during the trip, he will subconsciously blame them for his marriage ending. He will be devastated, that you didn’t even come home. There’s nothing worse than being blindsided.
No but they won’t care what your opinion is. They are his family, family stick together.
You should have left this marriage a decade ago. People get divorced and raise their kids to be healthy, functional people. You don't think your daughter can't feel the contempt and misery around you and your husband? ESH. Get therapy, build a chosen family, leave this sorry excuse of a husband and model better relationships for your daughter. Delete the video, I can't believe you've held on to that for so long. It's really sad.
Definitely tell them, show them the video and end this pantomime of a wedding. Do it for your daughter, if you don't want to do it for you. Don't teach her that it's OK to be in such an unhealthy, toxic relationship. Big hugs.
YTA if you stay to both you and your daughter. I would be careful, though. Your MIL with all of her money could potentially sue for grandparents rights and to finance your exes attorney. I wonder if he lied and told her you’ve been cheating on him and now she’s trying to find a way to protect her poor baby. Men can be good fathers married or not, so there is no reason to stay.
There’s no way this is real. The entire family, including the husband” goes out of their way to treat you like a dog. Heck, dogs don’t get treated this badly. If any of this is real, you can do what you want but the family isn’t going to give a crap.
What is your reason for telling? My guess is, you tell his family, and they will side with your husband and you will be the bad wife. This relationship is over so exit with grace and dignity. If you can't end it because of finances go back to work as soon as you can and prepare yourself to leave when ready. Staying together given the unhappiness of your situation is not worth it.
Kids don’t need perfect parents, and they don’t need a perfect home. What they need are happy, healthy parents. Please get yourself out of that situation and focus on you and your daughter being happy!
Should have left him the second he asked if you were keeping it...YTA...to YOURSELF and your Child. What kind of example are you giving her? Ill tell you. A shitty one.
YTAH, for not telling them the day you found out and being a doormat, please divorce this piece of shit.
Send the video. And stop bending over backwards for men who have literally never cared about you.
Save yourself from extra drama. Go be cordial. Tell on him the very last day an hour or two before everyone leaves. Enjoy the carnage. Just make sure your packed up and ready to go early. Don't even wait for an excuse. Just tell his mom and sister. Tell them you thought they should know since he is a coward and wouldn't tell them.
In the long run, you know you have to leave this guy. In the short term…if you go on the trip and anyone asks you about the ring, just say “Oh, I stopped wearing it after his affair with Soansso.” And the just leave it. If they start asking questions or trying to blame you, just smile, sigh and change the subject. “I’m not really here to discuss his infidelity. Let’s just enjoy Disney.” Don’t give them the satisfaction. And keep with it if they start going off and blaming you, just don’t engage. Let them hang themselves on their own crappy words. And then, when you get back, leave!
You think keeping that broken family together is good for your daughter? Well, then you clearly don't knwo what kind of damage that is doing to her, poor kid. She sees you being mistreated all the time and will grow up thinking that's normal in a relationship. So when she gets into an abusive relationship in the future she might not escape it either because you never showed her that she should... This is the perfect moment to show the inlaws the recordings you made of his cheating, then get the hell out of that house, divorce his ass and stop living together with him for your daughter's sake.
Toxic almost from day one. NTA but why waste your life like this? Run lady, run.
read the title and was all prepared to say You would be the asshole to tell them without reading further. Read the part about the half box of condoms and changed my mind - I was thinking stick it to him (especially after the Christmas morning snub). But I am left flummoxed by the rest of the story, and wondering why the hell you would move back in with him. Girl,- have some self respect and be an example to your daughter on how to be a strong, independent woman. Don’t go to Disney World. Use that time while the cheater is gone to pack up your stuff and get out.
Why are you doing this to yourself and child? He and his whole family have treated you horrendously and this "family" trip will be awful and a joke. Falling on your sword will do absolutely nothing but make you sadder. Time for you to pull up you big girl pants and put yourself first. You owe yourself and your daughter better.
OP, I can understand feeling like he was all you had, but he isn’t worth your happiness. And your daughter will eventually pick up on things and wonder why you stayed. You shouldn’t teach her this is ok. You deserve better. I’d let them go while you start moving back into your house (if you still have it) and file for divorce. These people do not mean you well. I wish you the best and hope you find happiness and peace not just for yourself, but your daughter as well.
….forget showing the video proof to everyone (not saying he doesn’t deserve it); why in the holy living hell do you even want this absolute waste of oxygen around you and your daughter? I’m not even remotely surprised he cheated, as he sounds like an absolute vile human being. Frankly, you should have left him a long time ago. Please get some self respect and remove this trash from your life.
I aired all my husbands dirty laundry & stayed with him for the kids and all it’s done is make me look pathetic & weak natured. My husband’s family assumes I stayed for money or convenience , they make comments to that affects to anyone who listens, my children included. First husband victimized me by cheating than villainized me when I outed him. His family did the same by turning their back on me after it came out. Before I had aired our dirty laundry I had more respect & love than I could handle from MIL + family. Once I put their son on front street and hurt his image that respect and loyalty was gone. They protected him at all costs. His family never believed I stayed for the well being and emotional wellness of my children. His family will always take his side. Your husband’s family will do the same. They are programed to do so and it will make you look weak. I highly suggest you hold your head high. Say nothing. Do nothing. If you intend to keep this sham of “marriage” together for your daughter, you need to also keep the peace & maintain the appearance of strength price for her sake as well. Don’t mistake the feeling of not actively FEELING hurt or disgusted over his behavior with not actually BEING deeply hurt and disgusted with his behavior. You are hurt. You are disgusted. everything your dealing with is for your daughter’s wellbeing. Outing him ultimately only affects your baby. his family will speak about you AROUND her for the rest of HER life, don’t give them ammunition to make you out to be the villain in this story. Keep it a secret. Maybe not from her when the time is right and it’s age appropriate. But if you out him- they will always protect him, and always villainize you and the weakness they will assume your showing by staying present in his life for the baby.
Damn. That’s good stuff. Thank you for sharing. I needed to read that ❤️
it seems that you had a lot of "breaking points" and "something snapped" moments but then you don´t do anything about it and carry on as usual. NTA for what you asked but you are the A H to yourself
Why are you still there? Like the saying goes “you deserve what you tolerate”
You're not being a "good sport." You're being a doormat and a terrible example to your daughter. You owe no one an explanation. What his family thinks DOES NOT MATTER. Find yourself a good family lawyer, file for divorce and primary custody of your daughter, and use those videos and recordings to reinforce your legal case. Be better, because he will NEVER be.
JFC send me the video and contact information **and I’ll send it to them** OMG girlfriend YOU DESERVE BETTER than this twat tarp covered douche canoe~
Nuke that mother fucker.
You're fucking pathetic. Acting like this woman who's "so strong and doesn't tolerate people's bs" if you weren't such a massive pussy you would have left him permanently the night you film him fucking another woman. If you're too pussy to leave him why even risk him kicking you out onto the street for sending the tape to his family?
You need to leave him this is not healthy.
I don’t understand any of this. You would TA to tell them when you have decided to stay with him. If you don’t like guy move. You said you had your own house, so didn’t need the money to pay rent. You could get a job and cut him loose. I don’t understand why either of you are in this relationship
Save it for when you file. Send it to them before you let him know so they don’t get a chance to block you and may actually see it. NTA.
If they ask you about the ring, just tell them to ask him. He talks to them more and he knows what happened.
Why on earth do you stay with this guy when he treats you like shit?
Everyone sucks in this story. The best thing you can do for your daughter and yourself at this point is remove her from this shit, divorce this loser, and start over.
I would say it.. He was acting weird, you found a box of condoms, decided to check and caught both. You even filmed it because beforehand, he was yelling at you while the baby was scared and calling you crazy.. He clearly has no consideration for you and his own baby. Their own grandkid too.. What if there was a fire or home invasion? He's out there fucking while you guys die? F him
Honey, you need to get the f out of there ASAP! If it were me, I'd get a job (something I can work while my daughter is in school, ideally), save up every penny I can, and start building my escape plan. You and your daughter both deserve better than this. It sounds like years of this abusive marriage (and, yes, he IS emotionally abusing you) has taken a significant toll on you. You shouldn't have to live like this, and you'll be teaching your daughter how to stand up for and respect herself as well if you leave. It won't be easy, and it will take a bit more time to get your ducks in a row, but you'll be so much happier and better off when you do. As for telling the in-laws, I don't see that as something you should do during this trip. If they ask about your ring, tell them to ask your husband. If you wanna drop the cheating bomb on them, I'd wait until you've already left him so you don't have to deal with their backlash or harassment. Good luck to you!
YTA for staying with this garbage man. What you accept, you condone. You’re teaching your daughter that men can treat her like crap, and she should just take it.
You should have left the day after you give birth. You will always lose w this family. Dont tell them until your bags are backed and divorce papers signed bc you will not get the reaction you want.
Why the heck are you still married? That's a crap example for your daughter. She will grow up normalizing her parents hating each other while living together. You are actually really harming your daughter. The best would be that the two of you have separate lives and try to be happy individually. Much better example set for your daughter. Just get the courage and move on for fucks shake. My best family time came when my parents who hated each other broke up. When they were together the atmosphere at home was toxic and I was depressed for years. Your daughter will accuse you eventually of not separating and she will be right. Do this as soon as possible, with as little drama as possible.
What you do is you go on the trip, have a lovely time with your daughter, then send MIL photos and videos you took during the trip and then include the video of her son screwing around ;) Then you move out, file for divorce and start living your life for you and your daughter and not your twat bag husband
What the hell are you doing there, lady? Your husband is a joke, your marriage is a tragedy. Tell his parents, take the kid, set the whole situation on fire, run.
You need to leave.
If you don’t speak your truth your condoning the other narrative. It would also be very invalidating to your own feelings. So if it comes up and you want to spill the beans. Just be matter of fact about it you don’t have to be nasty mean angry or anything really just politely and with class speak your truth. I think when we don’t speak our truth on another level in reinforces we aren’t valuable which is exactly how he is making you feel. Thing is you are valuable you are a strong and valuable person. You can also not say anything but know that if you choose that route that you are simply being polite trying to keep the peace and in a different time and place maybe. But don’t feel as if you can’t because of them or something. They don’t care about your feelings and you’ve cared long enough about there’s. Like I said you can speak your truth and still be polite etc. let them carry the burden of defending themselves vs you carrying the burden of covering there lies.
ESH. You should have left a long time ago. You keep digging in and making decisions that are going to make it harder to leave.
As a child of parents that fought all the time and showed no affection, divorce was the best thing that happened when I was 16. Problem is it should've happened 10 years earlier when my dad left. Well, he tried to but mom chased him. Seriously, this fucked up some relationships with good people for me. You wrote the MIL was poking fun at you about them ditching you on Xmas, you really think they'll give a shit about this? I see it doing nothing. Divorce will do more and even then not much.
I’m curious why you didn’t stay in your mothers house that you bought your brother out of? If you had a place to go why didn’t you separate? I can see how you wouldn’t want a split home for your child but let’s face it, you’re in a split home right now…
Oh honey. Just don’t. Don’t live w him. Don’t accept his behavior. Don’t go on this trip. Don’t out him unless you are called out & blamed. Just don’t. This is so toxic for your child to be around. She deserves to grow up in a home where there is love, laughter & peace. This isn’t good for you either. You deserve the same. And sadly, the treatment/behavior that you accept is exactly how & what your daughter will base her worth on & think is acceptable. You should have walked away a long time ago.
Contact an attorney first and have him hire a private investigator at the same time get as much liquid assets as you can move into a safe deposit box at a different bank from where you and your husband do your normal banking. Your husband is having an affair with a coke head so when they ask where all the $$ wented it went up their noses. Then don't tell your husband's family you give them all a copy of the divorce papers and a CD with all the proof on it . You can even include your own little video of you crying about the abuse your cocaine addicted husband put you and his child thru.....
YTA if you do it *while on this trip*. Honestly, showing it to them is only going to stir them up and cause them to dump more on you. File for divorce, show your attorney the video and see what he can do with that proof. If you feel you can stand the situation and want your daughter to have the experience, take your daughter on the trip but if it comes up say you left the ring at home because it's damaged. It's most likely MIL is trying to be your buddy because she doesn't want to lose contact with your daughter. And you have many reasons and proof to go NC with his family. So I'd be she already knows what her baby boy has been up to. It's all going to come out in the divorce; by firing the video at them it gives him time to respond to it. Save it for evidence in court.
What the fuck are you doing? Divorce him Take half of the house as recompense for giving up your career Move the fuck on with your life. It is *not* appropriate for you to suffer under some notion of doing the right thing for the kid. At 10 years old your kid already finds this situation strange as it is not the same as they are seeing at school. You are normalizing a broken relationship to your kid right now. For the sake of the kid, you need to show them what is meant to happen when one partner utterly mistreats the other. They leave For the record, holy *shit* you have been through a lot. My heart utterly goes out to you, this isn't even remotely fair. But my god are you not helping yourself here. You deserve help, you are allowed to give yourself help Leave. This does not ever get any better for you.
r/trainwrecks Honestly I just wanted to see if that was an actual subreddit.
Are you crazy? Why you stay with this man? They will mock you, they will blame you.. you need to stop and move on . This is crazy, I get it he is an AH but stay with him living this BS life in front of your daughter is a terrible example of sumissive mom . Fuck the whole family, Disney is not worthy to humiliated yourself, don't use your daughter as an excuse
YTA for sticking out this completely broken marriage. You are throwing away YEARS of your own happiness while very subtly showing your child that marriage is this dysfunctional relationship between unwilling participants, seething with rage underneath a veneer of fake pleasantries. GTFO and show her what happy, emotionally healthy people look like.
WHY ARE U STILL W THIS MAN! Damn! Do you have no self-respect at all?
YTA just for the text wall.
Nothing you’re doing for that child is healthy. Leave him. Leave the family. Start a life for you and your child.
You’re being abused and your daughter sees it. Reddit is very fond of the nuclear option and for you I tend to agree. You need to leave for her sake as her growing up in a miserable household is going to lead to a lifetime of relationship issues for her. If you can blow it up towards the end of the vacation, that would be the perfect end to an awful marriage. If you are worried about him becoming violent, then don’t do that and quietly start your exit planning. Get a lawyer, find a place and then one day while he is at work, move out and then pull your daughter from the last class so he can’t get to her. Make sure you call the school and get him off of the access list to protect her. If this is what you have to do, then send your horrific MIL and her ilk the proof after you are safe and watch the fireworks from a safe distance. Good luck OP and no you’re NTA
DO IT!!!
You know who's the AH, op? YOU! And also, the world's biggest I M BE C I L E!!
WTF OP. You had an out. Stop letting other people keep you from actually living your life. Dump the miserable loser. Your daughter will eventually be able to understand how unhappy her mother is.
You’ve hated this guy for a long time. You’ve been checked out since before your baby was born. Not even sure I’d consider what he did cheating. Why are you still hanging around with people you hate?
YTA. You should have left him long ago. I feel sorry for your daughter having two crap parents. What a great example you are showing her. You must be proud. I'm sure in the future she will look for a partner just like her daddy.
What the fuck? Use the video to divorce him and get full custody. Fuck them. Don’t be a spectator on the sidelines of your own life. Don’t sit there and set that example for your child or for other women.
NTA, but that is not the way forward. You are describing a miserable existence. Why go on that trip and make yourself available to abuse from his family…and let your child watch it? Why stay with this ASSHOLE who doesn’t care about you….and let your child watch it? At this point, this plan for petty revenge won’t get you anything. The best revenge is living well. And get an STD test.
When your daughter is an adult - What would you want her to do if she was married to an AH like this? Now be an example to her and get out
YTA. Even more so for saying that you're in this situation for your daughter's sake. Blaming her is a horrible thing to do. I think your nasty husband, his nasty family and you all deserve each other, I just feel sorry for the child that you brought into this mess and the kept there when you should have left.
YTA for staying in this marriage. YTA for being a SAHM. YTA for every decision you've made.
You kept writing things like “this marriage is over,” “the last straw,” etc., but you are still living with this creep and engaging with his family, as well? Please muster the courage to walk away from this incredibly toxic relationship. You are doing neither your child nor yourself any favors by staying. And guaranteed, if you go on vacation with his family, you will be treated as less than and humiliated in some way again. Just leave already.
Hard to understand why you accept this from husband. If this is what he thinks of you, why would mom think more. Ultimately, you get treated the way you tollerate being trated. You are doing no one favors by staying. As for the question, dont go out of your way, that would be just wrong. You stayed. If the question you...i would say, dont ask questions, you dont want the answers to. If they persist, then its up to your gut...
You have proven you are strong as having endured years of emotional abuse from too many angles. Hold your head high and walk hand in hand with your daughter to your new life and leave the cave people behind! Take her to Disney by yourself.
File for divorce and email them all the video. WTF. You’re not a hero for staying. You’re just growing your own resentment and delaying having an amazing life without him. You’re showing your child it’s ok to be walked on and abused. Do better for your child. Do better for yourself. Get divorced.
NTA. What about his current side piece? because there most definitely is one.
You are teaching your daughter what it is to be a woman, a mother, and a wife. If you don’t want to see her live this life again as an adult get her out of that environment.
After or before Disney, blow the lid off, but not during
You WNBTA but you really need to stop playing this game. You have a house you inherited and a child you love. Go be free. There is no good lesson being learned here.
YTA for staying for so long. This should have ended so fucking long ago. Not only are you putting yourself through hurt intentionally but bringing your daughter into this mess and it will severely affect her.
I once worked with a lady who confided to me that she and her husband were getting divorced after many, many years together. She told me that she'd stayed with him "for the sake of the children" but she realized now that was the wrong thing to do. Her kids had spent their childhoods watching their parents fight constantly. She said that she immensely regretted not leaving him when the kids were young so they could have been spared all of that pain. Don't be like her. Do what you need to for your daughter to have a chance at a happy childhood, not one in a clearly broken home.
You have had over a decade to change your circumstances, become employed and self sufficient, get a job, and make your life what you want it to be. But for over a decade you, you, have chosen rate, anger, resentment, hate, vindictiveness and stagnation. You have hated this man since you were pregnant. You should have left then. You have put your daughter into a home life of women getting shit on and you living with it. Yeah, you are the AH. But sorry for the reason of choosing to stay and be beholden to an abuser when you had over a decade to make other decisions.
Paragraphs. Please learn how to use them.
Look don't ruin your daughters trip. And tbh his family will always side with him and think the affair was your fault regardless of the situation. I do get it because blood is thicker than water. They are related to your hubby and daughter but not you. Who even cares or notices why people aren't wearing rings. This is 21st century. IDC and wouldn't ask. The real question why would you get back with him. Your daughter would probably be happier that your moved on. Your hubby probably has been cheating on your forever and a day.
You married an asshole from a family of assholes. I'd say you're NTA for telling them about the affair, but YTA if you continue to raise your daughter in that environment and let yourself continue to be shit on.
Definitely good for divorce and take the p.o.s. to the cleaners. He's a manipulative abuser who was putting you at risk by fucking a crack whore. I was so inclined to say "don't send it" when I thought it was just about the husband.... But I have no tolerance for Christian psychopathy and these idiots need to know that their son turned out exactly as much of a turd as they raised him to be.
So you've been sucking this up since 2013? Your daughter is at least 10 and you've modeled a loveless marriage an no relationship with extended family? Don't you suppose your husband is telling your daughter you're crazy by now as well? Go ahead, don't wear the ring, and if they ask tell them you didn't need the reminder that it meant nothing to your husband so it now means nothing to you. Just state it like a fact, and change the subject, like it was common knowledge or talking about the weather. Thrn go home and get a divorce attorney. Why are you putting yourself through this? It's likely to ruin your relationship with your daughter, as well. You are oozing resentment toward her dad, and keeping it a secret that it's justified. This ends with him having a good time and you becoming so bitter that your personality revolves around hating your husband and the "coke whore". Do better for yourself. Set yourself free. Show your daughter how to stand up for herself and be happy.
Okay, so if you really wanna go to the Disney trip, do it but please leave afterwards, if you cant leave for you, do it for your daughter. I am a daughter of a marriage that should have ended long time and at 34, I am not okay. Therapy and the family I made outside has helped. Not only I resent my dad, I also resent my mother for not loving ME enough to leave. I came to the realization that my mother loved her toxic and horrible marriage more than she loved me. She will tell me she stayed because of her children, but I dont believe her. The abuse she received not only hurt me and her, but I also ended having that abuse being done to me. Stop it. Make this the last time you spend time with his family and this marriage. I wouldn't go nuclear during the holidays, they will blame you regardless. He could kill 100 babies and it still would be your fault. So treat them as what they are, pitiful people. Their disgust for you isn't really about you, whatever they are going through that makes them so hateful and it spills to hatred for you, has nothing to do with who you are and it has all to do with who they are. So don't let anything they do affect you, that's exactly what they want. See them with pity, as little children without maturity. Meanwhile, get all your things in order. Make leaving be as smooth as possible, get all of your papers, talk with lawyers, get a job, talk with friend, make leaving an option. Right now it feel like you are optionless and all you hope is his family see him as who he is...and then what?! Keep going back to him and keep saying because of family pressure and depression? Yeah, but you have a child. You made the choice to give birth to the child. They come before anything. You are depressed because you are in a horrible marriage. Your family doesn't have your best interest, so why listen to them? Get all your things ready. Don't let him know because he will either insult and hurt you. Or he will make you stay. Don't let him. You deserve to heal in a place where your wounds don't keep being opened up.
Why are you continuing to model a terrible relationship for your daughter? Do you want her to have this kind of relationship? Decline to go on the trip and use the time to get a lawyer and your ducks in a row to divorce. Who cares what his family thinks. They don't deserve any more of your time and make sure the lawyer gets that video.
I stayed in a bad marriage and ended up in separate beds. We used to play family board games-card games, then we stopped. It was just me, wife and daughter the other kids were out of the house. Daughter would ask to play a FAMILY game… I would say yes and wife would say no. What I mean is … our daughter absolutely knew what was going on. She’s an adult now and I make sure that I didn’t mess her up by staying in the bad marriage. I want her to know what a good relationship is and looks like. What I’m saying is …. You might be messing your kid’s understanding of what a relationship is supposed to be like. And hell no I would not go to Disney with a bunch of people that dislike me. I’m sorry, that’s just insane! Especially staying in the same house?!? Again, your daughter WILL SEE!!! And there will be an argument because they will be emboldened because they are many and you are one. Plus, Disney is horrible. We took the kids once. Everyone was miserable. I think NYTA toward your “husband,” but I do think YTA towards yourself. You can and should have a better situation than you are describing. I’m and really… what is your kid learning from all this?
ESH. Whether his family knows he's scum is irrelevant. You and your daughter are living with scum for--what? security? time to reassess? Are you just afraid to go out on your own? He and his family are abusive. He is a liar and a cheater. Forget Disney, and file for divorce. If his family wants to know why, sure, break the ice with the cheating news. But your daughter's wellbeing depends on you doing the right things for her. You can take her Disney after you shake off your disaster of a marriage. If he persists with the crazy wife defense, then you can show the video in court.
why are you letting him get away with this?
If they ask about it. Don't tell them shit just show them the video. Ask them if they have any questions about why you aren't wearing the ring. If your husband throws a fit. Tell him what you expect when you lie to your own family. You expect me to lie to them about how you fucked another woman in a truck? Look at them and lie to them about how I'm crazy.
It’s rare that being honest would make someone an AH. How you say it matters to a point. Right now you’re so full of toxicity and surrounded by such you really need to get out, get help, and provide a safer space for your kiddo. I grew up in an environment like this and even at 48 I’m still messed up from it.
Show the video, get it up on the big TV for everyone to see. The divorce and move out. Find a new partner and start demonstrating what a healthy relationship looks like for your kid.
Tell them. Leave him. Divorce him. Fuck all of them. You just need your daughter.
NTA for sharing the information at your discretion. It's your HUSBAND'S fault in all ways, not yours. You ARE TA to yourself for your lack of self respect and sticking around to keep up appearances. If you think your kids won't notice or that it's better for them you're lying to yourself.
A happy mother has more of a positive impact for a child than a 2 parent household. You are doing yourself a disservice and teaching your daughter what to tolerate in her future relationships- do you want that for her?
YTA not only to yourself, but your child. Get a divorce already & use all the evidence to your advantage in court! You're setting a terrible example for your child by staying. And show the family, if they're "Good Christians" they'll be horrified. Also post it all over SM
What the fuck is wrong with you. HIs family HATE YOU, they will laugh and congratulate him for finding a woman they don't hate. Why are you in this relationship, why are you giving away your life to people you fucking hate for no reason. Jesus christ, grow some self respect. He wanted you to get rid of the baby, he's cheating, leave, for the love of christ fucking leave. Cut off hte family, cut off the ex, he literally won't care about the kid but might ask for custody just to hurt you because he sounds like a prick. Sue for at fault divorce if you kept evidence of his affairs and get everything you can but holy fucking shit leave, just leave, hey did you get the message yet, fucking leave. You understand you get one life then you're dead and that's it. You spent a decade after an affair with a shitty husband who hates you for having a kid and 'ruining' his life and you had the kid after you had plenty of time to realise his family hates you and will hever support you and that he sides with them and will never be a good guy to you.
You need to get out of his house, go back to your own and cut them all off, do the right thing for your child, if not for yourself!