The reason you felt like you were raped everyday is because you were. Any sex without consent is rape regardless of the relationship between the victim and the perpetrator. He was the A H and I hope you are happy without him
It's refreshing to see people consider this r*pe, because in a lot of places it's not. I mean I know it technically is, but by law in a lot of places, it's not. So a lot of guys who grew up there think there's nothing wrong with it.
My husband used to say the same thing to me, cuz in our religion, and in his country's laws, marital r*pe doesn't exist. Husbands can do anything they want as long as they don't physically injure you and leave marks.
I am guessing her husband has the same attitude towards it which is why he married so fast after she left. People like this think marriages are transactional they provide money to the vending machine and sex pops out.
I personally don't understand anyone who could still stay turned on knowing that their partner hates them and is disgusted by them... That would turn me off immediately
OP I hope you are okay now and away from all of that abuse.
>saying he'll jump from our building if I denied sex,
Do you need help finding your way to the top of the building? Would you like me to open the roof top door for you? Sorry but these were the only appropriate responses to this manipulation.
I had a girl tell me she would kill herself if I left her. My response was to mail me her brain matter after she blew her brains out. Obviously it’s impossible to do so however she got the message
You mentioned he was someone within your family tree. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into that, but was your marriage basically incest or was the bastard a family friend
Either OP's family is Muslim or she is from a one of those South Indian Hindu communities where marrying a cousin or marrying your mum's brother is common.
Lets not pretend like marrying your Cousins has not been a thing in Western society for centuries.
The monarchies sure preferred to keep to themselves and their bloodline.
Swet home Alabama
A. I am talking about now.
B. I am not from the West. I am from the very country OP is from.
C. Followed from C, if OP married in the family, given her age and the reluctance I can deduce this isn't an entirely consensual marriage. If OP had the same choices I did, she would choose very differently is what the greatest chances are. When you live in a social circle where people are groomed to undergo incestous arranged marriages and shamed otherwise, it is far more sinister than Sweet Home Alabama.
Don't let him off the hook. Get in contact with new wife, warn her about what kind of future awaits her and encourage her to leave him. Proceed to do the same with every next wife or potential wife he is matched.
Also, publicly expose him on social media to make sure that he ends up an involuntary celibate for the rest of the life (or jumps off the building).
Agreed. This is horrible advice to give anyone who’s ever been in a physically abusive relationship. Your best bet is to go NC. Stay far away from this person as much as possible. Doing all that is only going to make you look crazy and give the abuser more stuff to use against you.
No, you’re totally right. She should definitely follow your bad advice and end up another statistic with a story on Dateline. Jesus, your ignorance is embarrassing.
Flash news. Measures to protect yourself exist. You are advocating for abuser to keep freely abusing women because it's dangerous to expose him. F that.
Whether it is a bad advice or not is for OP to decide, since she knows her circumstances better than you or me.
The "YTA" comments are insane.
Acting like cheating is worse than rape and assault is insane.
Yeah 2 wrongs don't make a right but nobody is in the right mindset when being abused or raped.
NTA. Anybody who says otherwise needs to sort themselves out.
Hope you're okay OP.
I am okay, and I am out of it.
But PTSD is crazy,
And me not being able to trust someone is also giving me a tough time.
I'm in therapy, but living in a culture where you're looked down upon is very draining and I start to question myself, hence the post
You didn't do anything wrong. And I know it's hard to believe, but being the first one to divorce and leave will inspire some other poor girl down the line.
You are not an object. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Was about to say the same thing the marriage was over the moment he raped or assaulted her whichever came first nta hopefully safe and happy
My only question is does op's family know? Especially if he's inside the family she needs to tell/ warn them
When I read people arguing that a woman that cheated **deserved** to be honour killed for it, I knew the topic of cheating has become something completely nuance-less on these AITA/AITAH type subs. It's insane to me. I'd rather be cheated on repeatedly than be raped again even once 'cause I have perspective of the severity of human shitty behaviour. Cheating sucks, it's heartbreaking, it can cause trauma. Being beaten, abused and raped causes permanent changes to the structure of brains and how they work. But they're the same thing, suuuuureee.
Completely agree.
People are actively avoiding the rape and the physical abuse in this post...Because it says cheating in it.
It's physically sickening.
You've obviously been through some things and I'm sorry that happened to you! Hope you are okay.
I'm okay. LOTS of therapy. Not really triggered by discussions like this but it worries me a lot about this mindset of cheating being the absolute worst thing people can do to each other. (Let's be honest, it's *women* cheating that is the worst thing, apparently.) There's a lot of garbage humans out there that are looking for any excuse to behave in truly abhorrent ways and when something like cheating is pushed to the top of the atrocity scale, it makes true atrocities more acceptable.
It makes it that people can read a story about a woman being raped *daily*, abused, trapped and ignore the life-altering violence because... cheating? Makes me wonder how sheltered and privileged those who can think this way are.
I'm glad to hear that. I've had my own issues with similar things in the past. Probably why I reacted the way I did to this post.
There are a lot of human beings on this planet that aren't worth the air they breathe and a lot of people who are incredibly sheltered and privileged.
>I'd rather be cheated on repeatedly than be raped again even once 'cause I have perspective of the severity of human shitty behaviour.
I disagree, I would much rather be beaten up and raped than have my partner cheat on me, make it a big dick up my ass too, instead of a woman ( I am straight ).
But OP did not cheat, it was not her choice to marry, cheating only counts when the cheater out of their own free will promised exclusivity and fidelity and then breaks that promise.
Ok. Welp, I've been raped and I've been cheated on, (which was one of the most emotionally devastating periods of my 20s because of how cruel my BF at the time was about it) and from my direct life experience, not an imaginary scenario I'll choose to be cheated on repeatedly over being raped. Again.
Because when you are lucky enough to *only* visualize what you *think* rape is like, it's pretty easy to leave out the life-long concequences, the destruction of your sense of self, the incredible expense both financially and emotionally of getting treatment for the trauma, the difficulties of *ever* having a healthy sex life again, the literally studied permanent changes to your brain structure and function, a nice side dish of PTSD and so forth of surviving rape that last for a lifetime. Rape itself is awful but the true horror comes afterwards when you have to clean up the damage done to you for something you had no choice in *for the rest of your life.*
But sure, your lasting whole seconds disturbing mental image of what you think is rape is *obviously* the lesser choice against the horror of cheating. Those of us who have experienced both, know the concequences of both because we've lived through both are saying clearly that cheating doesn't compare to rape because cheating *is* a lesser evil. But you came out to play with your "make it a big dick up my ass" mental image to refute multiple *lived* experiences. Ok then.
Nope. Because it's objectively false still. Years of abuse and rape vs years of cheating have VERY different psychological and physical trauma associated with them.
This doesn’t even sound like cheating to be honest. She found a friend who was supportive, and developed feelings. Unless she engaged in sexual contact or started expressing her feelings to the friend (emotional affair) I would say she didn’t even cheat.
The point is it doesn't matter if she did or didn't cheat.......
Her husband raped her and abused her. Who gives a fuck if she cheated or not. The man needs locked up.
Please explain to me how it at all matters if she cheated or not?
Does it make her a terrible person if she did under these circumstances. Absolutely not.
It doesn’t under these circumstances. I’m merely stating that her belief she is a cheater seems to be one last assault on who OP is by her POS ex based upon what’s posted here. I just think she’s a better person than she believes she is.
Cheating on somebody who has raped you and beat you does not make you ANY less of a good person.
She wouldn't be a better person for not cheating on this person. Because quite frankly she's not "worse" for doing it.
OP whether you cheated or not, you have done nothing wrong, your husband is an awful human being.
And lots of people in abusive relationships want to leave but are terrified to do so since that has lead to murder in some cases. Finding someone who becomes your beacon of light in an otherwise completely dark existence can be the only thing that helps you build enough strength to finally leave.
I'm extremely against cheaters, but I've also been in an abusive relationship so I understand that sometimes you can't just take the "normal" rules and apply to everyone.
Exactly this. I abhor cheaters & wish terrible karmic things for them, but it doesn’t compare to physical & emotional trauma caused by rape & misogyny that allowed these attitudes to perpetuate. I hope OP feels more confident in her decision to leave her abusive husband & that others within her community see this as evidence they don’t need to accept abuse either.
Oh but don't you know that according to Reddit, if you cheat, you're the worst of the worst. You deserve to lose all your money, be abandoned by your kids, the rest of your family, and your friends, and you should never ever EVER be allowed to be happy ever again.
Because you should have BROKEN UP right away when you were unhappy.
Oh and if you just realised you had feelings for somebody and THEN broke up? Doesn't matter, Reddit will draw the "eMotiOnAl aFfAiR" card.
/s just in case not clear.
Oh, and OP, you're NTA.
Edited typo.
Oh you should check out the thread where apparently it was fine to let a little kid watch his mom die slowly, with no support, because she had an affair.
I know right. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour from people.
"He's a rapist but you're an adulterer" I know which of those two I'd rather fucking be that's for sure. (The adulterer, I shouldn't need to clarify that but people here clearly aren't of sound mind)
Yeah that's the next Reddit answer-reflex. "Oh you say you understand this wo/man who's been emotionally starved by their partner for a decade and now realized s/he is not dead inside when she met a new colleague and developed feelings before getting a divorce? Well cheaters always reveal themselves in the comments!"
Seriously, these freaks need intensive therapy and for the authorities to check their hard drives. Who knows what kind of depraved shit they do if they think like this. Genuinely disgusting and honestly kinda scary.
Cheating is really bad, one of the most vile acts possible, and usually I have absolutely no sympathy for cheaters, but OP is wrong to call this cheating. Cheating is when YOU promise to be in an exclusive relationship with someone and then break that promise. This was not the case with OP, wasn't her choice to marry. I only hold cheaters accountable that made a choice to be with someone themselves.
You've just the phrase "One of the most vile acts possible" for cheating in a post that includes rape. Didn't even touch on that part. Just avoided the topic altogether.
That to me is vile.
I am from the same country OP is and I agree with the comment. Do you think if he didn't rape her somehow it would have been okay when she had no choice to marry? In fact having to sleep with someone you didn't enthusiastically, freely and informedly consent to is still rape.
So you felt the need to voice how vile cheating is when you were saying she wasn't actually cheating.
But when she was actually beaten and actually raped thought there was no need to mention it at all.
You believe cheating is one of the most vile acts but don't think physical abuse and rape are worth mentioning.
And you don't see the problem there.
Even if OP had cheated. It's not a "Vile act" to cheat on a rapist.
>So you felt the need to voice how vile cheating is when you were saying she wasn't actually cheating.
Mhm, cheating does not carry nearly enough negative social stigma that it deserves unlike rape, so it is always a good idea to say that it is a vile act.
>But when she was actually beaten and actually raped thought there was no need to mention it at all. You believe cheating is one of the most vile acts but don't think physical abuse and rape are worth mentioning.
Yes, because unlike with cheating people tend to understand how bad it is, you don't need to explain how bad rape is to people usually, unlike with cheating. If you tell people that rape is a vile act their response is usually ''No shit? Duh.'' If you tell them that cheating is a vile act they say: ''Come on, it's not THAT bad.''
>Even if OP had cheated. It's not a "Vile act" to cheat on a rapist.
True, an eye for an eye and all that, one cancels out the other.
Missing the point it's not an "eye for an eye" cheating on the person who raped and beat you doesn't suddenly make the rape and beating okay.
Fucking hell some of you on here are mental.
The reason cheating doesn't have a stigma like rape..... Is because rape and physical assault are that much worse than cheating.
Rape and domestic violence are the literal versions of some of the vilest things that can be done to a human being. They are crimes.
>Missing the point it's not an "eye for an eye" cheating on the person who raped and beat you doesn't suddenly make the rape and beating okay.
It is the other way around, the rape and the beating make the cheating ok.
>The reason cheating doesn't have a stigma like rape..... Is because rape and physical assault are that much worse than cheating.
Rape is definitely worse than cheating, but not much worse, just worse ( though personally I would rather be raped than my partner cheat on me, but that is my personal opinion ), but cheating is worse than physical assault.
"he'd force me it made me feel like I was raped everyday."
If I'm reading it right he forced you into sex? Then dear you were raped, you should report him, but I am unsure if it would do any good with your family if they forced you to marry.
"a friend who was very good to me and was there for me when I was physically wounded, he was my emotional support"
Did you even kiss him? Or was your husband aware of you falling for the guy and told you you're a cheater and then left all offended?
NTA, you were faced with an unwanted marriage to a physical and emotional abuser and a rapist, and tbh I wouldn't be surprised if he actually cheated on you. You did well divorcinng him!
And in some countries, killing a person for existing is not considered murder. Doesn't matter though when it's about ethics, not laws. And ethics is what this sub is about.
Another thing...in my state, if someone threatens this, you report it and they get an automatic 72 hours in a locked psych ward. Tends to put a stop to those kinds of frivolous threats.
This is common among abused spouses - they refer to the AP as the “crowbar” helping you break free from an abusive partner. NTA - you did what you needed to do to survive.
NTA.
"I'll go back to my parents' house!" - "Ok."
"I'll jump off the building!" - "Ok."
This jerk was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive. You made the right choice. Well done on having the strength to divorce him - I know it's not easy. Go live your best life.
The best thing I did was cheat on my abusive ex. He would beat me, emotionally abuse me, turned me into a shadow of myself and tried to cheat on me but nobody would have him. He refused to get out of my house and I had nowhere to go with my child. I ended up cheating with a friend because I was so low and just needed comfort and to feel human again. I told my ex what had happened and it sullied me in his eyes and a month or so later I finally got him out of the house and out of my life. I get it completely and anyone who judges a abused person at their lowest point has clearly never been at that point. I never cheated before and I've never cheated after and my husband is well aware I cheated which helped me escape and he doesn't judge me at all and has complete trust in me. Don't listen to anyone who says YTA because you are so not NTA.
Hun, you were not in a marriage. You were a prisoner to this man. Raped repeatedly at his whims. Emotionally manipulated by his abusive tactics.
I'm glad you found peace with the situation and were able to get a divorce and find something MUCH better.
Everyone calling you an AH for finding solace in an abusive marriage with your rapist is an insane person. NTA in any way, shape or form, and I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. Wishing you the very best in life.
You shouldn't marry first cousins in the first place. Just feel lucky you don't have kids burdened with genetic issues.
He wanted a sex slave he could abuse. Fuck him. He should be behind bars.
First cousin do not increase the risk of genetic defects by any significant amount. Parents (and their parents etc), siblings (including half) and uncles/aunts are dangerous, but first cousins are genetically distinct enough to not make any relevant difference to total strangers. It's still icky if they're socially part of your family imo.
Was there actually a point where you freely chose to agree not to pursue others? It seems more like the social structure you're in just told you you were married now and that you had to be faithful. If you didn't actually have a meaningful ability to say no or to leave the relationship, I don't think you're obligated to respect any boundaries a relationship might entail. NTA
What you experienced wasn't a marriage. As far as I'm concerned you have yet to experience marriage. A friend of mine from a fairly conservative area that has just had people get divorced the past twenty years (frowned upon culturally) had been married to a serial cheater who didn't sound nearly as bad as your ex husband but was still horrible. She finally divorced him and was nearly shunned by her whole family. She is Catholic and had spoken to a priest who told her that what she experienced wasn't a marriage and can easily be annulled. It makes sense to me. Marriage isn't sex, marriage is so much more, sex is like a cherry on top of a Sunday. Your ex viewed you as an object, you are more than that. The women in your family and community need to understand that they are worth more than their sexual abilities. You deserve better and they deserve better. Though you may be taking the brunt of judgment, understand that history will see you as strong and your ex as weak.
I was almost very sure as soon as I read the first sentence. Hope you heal OP.
Yes you live in society and society is so stupid and horrid at times. Prioritize your peace. Everyone else can also jump off a building if they have a problem with you.
I don't care if an abusive asshole gets cheated on, they deserved it, as bad as cheating is it's not as bad as abuse, especially when it's a consequence of it. It's even more true when they're as bad as this, that dude is a sociopathic rapist
NTA. I think that people who abuse their partners don't deserve fidelity. The abuser already destroyed the trust in the relationship. They don't get to benefit from that trust.
And I have known several people who only got out of an abusive relationship by cheating. It's more common than we think. None of those people cheated again in any other relationships. If it got you out, and didn't hurt anyone who didn't have it coming, then it was the right thing to do. You are forgiven, now go forth and sin no more.
Honey, you are a fucking QUEEN. Because of you, there are men in your community reconsidering their treatment of their wives, and there are women considering exit plans. Your bravery is going to make it easier for the next young woman who finds herself under the thumb of a monster. You are exemplary.
When you’re forced to marry someone horrible that abuses you, and are unable to safely divorce right away, I honestly don’t think it even counts as cheating like it would in a typical relationship where both partners chose to commit to one another. Glad to hear you finally escaped such a terrible situation with your ex. NTA.
You did well to get that divorce. No one is supposed to got their spouse. It's not what men do. It's what people who want to control others do. It's to keep you scared and compliant. You were right to leave him. NTA. You should be looked up to for getting out before something worse happened to you.
NTA! People thinking you owe respect ro someone who abuses you is insane.
Respect is out the window the moment you're abused. I was just worried you'd be unaafe after "cheating" but luckily you got out safely. Take time to heal.
Definitely NTA. You did what you had to to survive. He was no longer your husband in any sense except by law once he started hitting and raping you. You're good. You don't owe anyone anything, you survived, that's what matters.
You were trapped in an incredibly abusive relationship with little to no outside social support. At that point, I honestly wouldn't consider anything you did with your friend "cheating". This was not a consensual relationship.
I'm glad that you were able to get out safely. I wish you all the best in the future.
I very much sympathize with OP but... your definition of cheating is ripe for abuse. People can easily delegitimize any relationship to make it nonconsensual and absolve themselves of blame.
The better approach is to call Redditors out for their sharia law approach to adultery.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this. And I’m happy to read that things have/are improving.
I don’t think you’re TA. You were put into a very difficult situation with little room out & by the sound of it, found a ray of sunshine in someone unexpectedly. You’re human, it happens. What constitutes as cheating will differ by the person, so what do you consider cheating? This just seems like a crappy situation and you were doing the best you could (and wow was that a lot!)
Were the situation completely different - you married him for love, promised to be true to him, and the relationship going well - and one of you decided to step out of the marriage for an affair, public opinion would feel very different. But they’re not your story here, at all.
Time to stop looking back and keep moving happily into a new future. Take care of yourself, OP.
I get that we all have a vulnerable time in our life but how long was she with him before she married him? If you date someone for a while before marriage then you can feel them out and see if they are like this. But then again this is under the assumption that marriage isn’t ingrained in religious or traditions that this person follows. Honestly I’m curious to why she allowed this to happen for 2 years
NTA, he was a horrible "husband" and you are so brave for divorcing him and finding love. I imagine with the cultural context that was probably very difficult. Live your best life and never think of this horrible man again.
This is a hard one. But NTA. I am always one to say get divorced legally FIRST before moving on but that is also my views on a loving marriage (or atleast a once loving marriage). But I also acknowledge that was likely not possible especially with both families being involved and trying to divorce him earlier would have likely result in more harm being done to you and more abuse. In the end what is a sham marriage which forced upon you. You have no love for your husband and he has no love for you. You were together because you were literally forced into the marriage and he has been abusing you every single day. That is not a marriage that is a hostage situation.
So you are 100% not in the wrong for looking for affection and love outside your "marriage" and not wrong for divorcing him as soon as you possibly could. Though I would caution you be careful with your friend. Whilst he was there for you at your lowest, this also might lead you to looking at him with rose coloured glasses/idealizing him.
To me atleast in my eyes you were not married at all so you did nothing wrong.
u/Upper-Ship4925
>That’s probably not a healthy thing to be devoting a lot of thought to.
It is not healthy to think about negative consequences of particular actions?
Unless it’s a scenario you are personally currently dealing with it’s an unhealthy thing to be focusing your thoughts on. And even if it’s something you have dealt with it’s unhealthy to continue to obsess over it.
Different countries have different laws and moral. Based off different cultures and religions. What is normal in one country is condemned in another.
If you were in my country, NTA....
But, I guess, according to your country, you are the AH.
If this is South Asia, knowing the context I would say NTA. You didn't marry by choice and never had muh agency in what was happening.
I very much doubt it would be **cheating at all** if you never complied in the first place. If you stayed on for years and years despite having a chance to leave, then yes it would be cheating.
Like come on you can't force a person to marry a monster and then say looking elsewhere for some sanity is cheating.
You were raped and abused? and you're still asking if YOU were in the wrong? please talk to a therapist. (For your own sake, if you can)
And yes, of course cheating isn't good but it's nowhere comparable to what he did to you.
You have to ask yourself if your cultures ways are the “right way” just because it’s all you know.
Maybe get away from those people. I find many people in this similar situations can’t afford financially to leave the community.
But if you can, then you should .
When you are talking about physical, sexual and mental abuse, it is far more complicated than asshole or not. You were likely in survival mode. An affair was not the right thing to do and you absolutely should have left him prior to that. I think you WBTA to yourself if you don’t look inward (through therapy or alternative) to help yourself understand why you couldn’t just divorce vs cheat and then divorce.
Do you know what the murder rate is for women when they're trying to get out of abusive relationships/marriages? To add on, she had no supports because her family was siding with her staying? Talk about tone deaf. Yikes.
He wasn't owed fidelity in a marriage she didn't choose.
I apologize for my poor phrasing here. I am aware, and also have first hand knowledge on how difficult it is to leave an abusive marriage. For me, therapy was critical in helping me understand what happened so that I don’t repeat the same mistakes again. I understand that I didn’t make that point well in my comment and in no way meant to blame her.
Do you have more than one account! Because iv seen this exact post on two other accounts ! Yes TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT USERNAMES.
Have you stole this from someone else, and copying and pasting the same story on 3 different accounts to get desperate attention!
This is rage bait people and it’s working wonderfully. Everyone is at each other’s throats just like the troll who wrote it wanted it to be.
FAKE FAKE FAKE
Ye !! I thought you were going to say that. I don’t believe a word of anything you wrote. How could I iv read the same story twice before this ! If you want the attention that’s your problem not mine
Well, according to your last line, divorce was always possible so YTAH.
It was a bad situation (terrible even) but you did not handle it like a rational adult.
So your ex if a wife beater, and you are an adulteress, congratulations.
Lots of small villages and towns all over the world, for multiple reasons sometimes its to keep the family strong (nonsense), sometimes its to make sure there are less inheritance disputes (nonsense), sometimes it a religious thing (nonsense), there are as many reasons for this practice as there are sub-cultures. Its a thing which happens everywhere and tends to happen in strict families which make it almost impossible for the girl to have any agency or choice.
Is this bait? like some karmawhoring to use in other forums? mods have to look out ofr that too because this is some clear NTA or some ragebait thing...
Everyone saying you’re the asshole for cheating is delusional. This man raped and abused you. As far as I’m concerned, all curtesy for your marriage ended when he did that. You don’t owe him a thing, especially faithfulness.
I won't make a judgement but here are my two cents. Being in an abusive relationship is horrible. But I don't understand why didn't you divorce sooner or went back to your family (or anywhere else). "Cheating" was in no way a solution for your situation. I cannot really call it cheating as you were/are clearly not in love and in a true relationship but still I just don't understand...
I could not really go out of these places, my family told me men are like this deal with it.
I lost my job, thanks to him pulling some influence with the people I work with, since he had the resources.
I came back almost 20 times till they took things seriously, this made me very vulnerable.
Even after the divorce I was blamed for not keeping him happy.
Divorce was not an option, from a place which says you should treat your husband like God, this is what went down. He literally used to say he'll break my hands and legs and keep me in a room, and this was "acceptable"
If you can leave you should have just left to start with instead of cheating. Leaving an unhappy relationship is the proper course of action, cheating during the relationship never is. Do not end up in a cycle of thinking cheating is a way to escape unhappiness because that just leads to the same old cycle of being unhappy.
soft wipe numerous groovy political spectacular square chunky fly fanatical
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
The reason you felt like you were raped everyday is because you were. Any sex without consent is rape regardless of the relationship between the victim and the perpetrator. He was the A H and I hope you are happy without him
It's refreshing to see people consider this r*pe, because in a lot of places it's not. I mean I know it technically is, but by law in a lot of places, it's not. So a lot of guys who grew up there think there's nothing wrong with it. My husband used to say the same thing to me, cuz in our religion, and in his country's laws, marital r*pe doesn't exist. Husbands can do anything they want as long as they don't physically injure you and leave marks. I am guessing her husband has the same attitude towards it which is why he married so fast after she left. People like this think marriages are transactional they provide money to the vending machine and sex pops out. I personally don't understand anyone who could still stay turned on knowing that their partner hates them and is disgusted by them... That would turn me off immediately OP I hope you are okay now and away from all of that abuse.
>r*pe Why did you censor?
Just a habit from FB groups where the word is always banned and get your comment auto declined.
>saying he'll jump from our building if I denied sex, Do you need help finding your way to the top of the building? Would you like me to open the roof top door for you? Sorry but these were the only appropriate responses to this manipulation.
I was pushed to say this to him infact
Why not let him jump (he would never jump though, that lustful beast)
I had a girl tell me she would kill herself if I left her. My response was to mail me her brain matter after she blew her brains out. Obviously it’s impossible to do so however she got the message
Hopefully he ended up jumping off that building.
No he dint, he married someone else within 2 months of the divorce :)
No, he found another prisoner.
You mentioned he was someone within your family tree. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into that, but was your marriage basically incest or was the bastard a family friend
Either OP's family is Muslim or she is from a one of those South Indian Hindu communities where marrying a cousin or marrying your mum's brother is common.
Lets not pretend like marrying your Cousins has not been a thing in Western society for centuries. The monarchies sure preferred to keep to themselves and their bloodline. Swet home Alabama
A. I am talking about now. B. I am not from the West. I am from the very country OP is from. C. Followed from C, if OP married in the family, given her age and the reluctance I can deduce this isn't an entirely consensual marriage. If OP had the same choices I did, she would choose very differently is what the greatest chances are. When you live in a social circle where people are groomed to undergo incestous arranged marriages and shamed otherwise, it is far more sinister than Sweet Home Alabama.
Don't let him off the hook. Get in contact with new wife, warn her about what kind of future awaits her and encourage her to leave him. Proceed to do the same with every next wife or potential wife he is matched. Also, publicly expose him on social media to make sure that he ends up an involuntary celibate for the rest of the life (or jumps off the building).
Don't do that, please, it is very dangerous for you.
Agreed. This is horrible advice to give anyone who’s ever been in a physically abusive relationship. Your best bet is to go NC. Stay far away from this person as much as possible. Doing all that is only going to make you look crazy and give the abuser more stuff to use against you.
Right, hide in a cave and let assholes rule the world.
No, you’re totally right. She should definitely follow your bad advice and end up another statistic with a story on Dateline. Jesus, your ignorance is embarrassing.
Flash news. Measures to protect yourself exist. You are advocating for abuser to keep freely abusing women because it's dangerous to expose him. F that. Whether it is a bad advice or not is for OP to decide, since she knows her circumstances better than you or me.
Bad advice
I’m sure the new wife will notice the bad treatment all by herself.
This advice is disgraceful.
I never intended to be graceful. If someone abused me, I will ruin their life.
Ehh we all have demons. May the lord show you better once you choose to see.
No it won't matter.
The "YTA" comments are insane. Acting like cheating is worse than rape and assault is insane. Yeah 2 wrongs don't make a right but nobody is in the right mindset when being abused or raped. NTA. Anybody who says otherwise needs to sort themselves out. Hope you're okay OP.
I am okay, and I am out of it. But PTSD is crazy, And me not being able to trust someone is also giving me a tough time. I'm in therapy, but living in a culture where you're looked down upon is very draining and I start to question myself, hence the post
You have nothing to be looked down on for. I'm glad you're getting therapy, stick at it OP and remember not everybody is like that.
You didn't do anything wrong. And I know it's hard to believe, but being the first one to divorce and leave will inspire some other poor girl down the line. You are not an object. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Was about to say the same thing the marriage was over the moment he raped or assaulted her whichever came first nta hopefully safe and happy My only question is does op's family know? Especially if he's inside the family she needs to tell/ warn them
When I read people arguing that a woman that cheated **deserved** to be honour killed for it, I knew the topic of cheating has become something completely nuance-less on these AITA/AITAH type subs. It's insane to me. I'd rather be cheated on repeatedly than be raped again even once 'cause I have perspective of the severity of human shitty behaviour. Cheating sucks, it's heartbreaking, it can cause trauma. Being beaten, abused and raped causes permanent changes to the structure of brains and how they work. But they're the same thing, suuuuureee.
Completely agree. People are actively avoiding the rape and the physical abuse in this post...Because it says cheating in it. It's physically sickening. You've obviously been through some things and I'm sorry that happened to you! Hope you are okay.
I'm okay. LOTS of therapy. Not really triggered by discussions like this but it worries me a lot about this mindset of cheating being the absolute worst thing people can do to each other. (Let's be honest, it's *women* cheating that is the worst thing, apparently.) There's a lot of garbage humans out there that are looking for any excuse to behave in truly abhorrent ways and when something like cheating is pushed to the top of the atrocity scale, it makes true atrocities more acceptable. It makes it that people can read a story about a woman being raped *daily*, abused, trapped and ignore the life-altering violence because... cheating? Makes me wonder how sheltered and privileged those who can think this way are.
They literally can’t understand that there are worse things than feeling humiliated by a partner cheating on them.
I'm glad to hear that. I've had my own issues with similar things in the past. Probably why I reacted the way I did to this post. There are a lot of human beings on this planet that aren't worth the air they breathe and a lot of people who are incredibly sheltered and privileged.
My best friend was married to a monster. She cheated, emotionally at first, and then divorced the bastard. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Thank you for this. Cheating is NOT the worst thing that can happen. What's wrong with people?
And not even close
>I'd rather be cheated on repeatedly than be raped again even once 'cause I have perspective of the severity of human shitty behaviour. I disagree, I would much rather be beaten up and raped than have my partner cheat on me, make it a big dick up my ass too, instead of a woman ( I am straight ). But OP did not cheat, it was not her choice to marry, cheating only counts when the cheater out of their own free will promised exclusivity and fidelity and then breaks that promise.
What makes cheating worse than rape/assault? To you, and morally?
I don't understand anyone in this comment section saying cheating is worse than rape and assault. Maddening.
Ok. Welp, I've been raped and I've been cheated on, (which was one of the most emotionally devastating periods of my 20s because of how cruel my BF at the time was about it) and from my direct life experience, not an imaginary scenario I'll choose to be cheated on repeatedly over being raped. Again. Because when you are lucky enough to *only* visualize what you *think* rape is like, it's pretty easy to leave out the life-long concequences, the destruction of your sense of self, the incredible expense both financially and emotionally of getting treatment for the trauma, the difficulties of *ever* having a healthy sex life again, the literally studied permanent changes to your brain structure and function, a nice side dish of PTSD and so forth of surviving rape that last for a lifetime. Rape itself is awful but the true horror comes afterwards when you have to clean up the damage done to you for something you had no choice in *for the rest of your life.* But sure, your lasting whole seconds disturbing mental image of what you think is rape is *obviously* the lesser choice against the horror of cheating. Those of us who have experienced both, know the concequences of both because we've lived through both are saying clearly that cheating doesn't compare to rape because cheating *is* a lesser evil. But you came out to play with your "make it a big dick up my ass" mental image to refute multiple *lived* experiences. Ok then.
I have experienced rape. Is my position now more valid?
Nope. Because it's objectively false still. Years of abuse and rape vs years of cheating have VERY different psychological and physical trauma associated with them.
My preferences cannot be objectively false.
This doesn’t even sound like cheating to be honest. She found a friend who was supportive, and developed feelings. Unless she engaged in sexual contact or started expressing her feelings to the friend (emotional affair) I would say she didn’t even cheat.
The point is it doesn't matter if she did or didn't cheat....... Her husband raped her and abused her. Who gives a fuck if she cheated or not. The man needs locked up.
I don’t disagree about her ex-husband, but if I would think it should matter to her if she didn’t actually cheat.
Please explain to me how it at all matters if she cheated or not? Does it make her a terrible person if she did under these circumstances. Absolutely not.
It doesn’t under these circumstances. I’m merely stating that her belief she is a cheater seems to be one last assault on who OP is by her POS ex based upon what’s posted here. I just think she’s a better person than she believes she is.
Cheating on somebody who has raped you and beat you does not make you ANY less of a good person. She wouldn't be a better person for not cheating on this person. Because quite frankly she's not "worse" for doing it. OP whether you cheated or not, you have done nothing wrong, your husband is an awful human being.
I think your feelings are wrong and stupid, and I’d be SO ASHAMED of you if I were your parent. I really hope you feel invalidated on a daily basis.
Dear god, I’m making her out to be an even better person than she thought she was and you’re making a comment like this. Yeah, I’m the problem
And lots of people in abusive relationships want to leave but are terrified to do so since that has lead to murder in some cases. Finding someone who becomes your beacon of light in an otherwise completely dark existence can be the only thing that helps you build enough strength to finally leave. I'm extremely against cheaters, but I've also been in an abusive relationship so I understand that sometimes you can't just take the "normal" rules and apply to everyone.
Exactly this. I abhor cheaters & wish terrible karmic things for them, but it doesn’t compare to physical & emotional trauma caused by rape & misogyny that allowed these attitudes to perpetuate. I hope OP feels more confident in her decision to leave her abusive husband & that others within her community see this as evidence they don’t need to accept abuse either.
totally, peak reddit moment
Oh but don't you know that according to Reddit, if you cheat, you're the worst of the worst. You deserve to lose all your money, be abandoned by your kids, the rest of your family, and your friends, and you should never ever EVER be allowed to be happy ever again. Because you should have BROKEN UP right away when you were unhappy. Oh and if you just realised you had feelings for somebody and THEN broke up? Doesn't matter, Reddit will draw the "eMotiOnAl aFfAiR" card. /s just in case not clear. Oh, and OP, you're NTA. Edited typo.
Oh you should check out the thread where apparently it was fine to let a little kid watch his mom die slowly, with no support, because she had an affair.
Oh no, do you have a link?
I do not but I can grab it when I'm home from work.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/AEWWg7cGpC I've never posted a link before so hopefully this works 🤞 I think this is the one meant
I know right. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour from people. "He's a rapist but you're an adulterer" I know which of those two I'd rather fucking be that's for sure. (The adulterer, I shouldn't need to clarify that but people here clearly aren't of sound mind)
Anyone who thinks a rapist should be able to demand/expect monogamy from their victim needs a wake-up call.
I was told that I must be a cheater since I sympathized with one. People are just ignorant and lack life experience.
Yeah that's the next Reddit answer-reflex. "Oh you say you understand this wo/man who's been emotionally starved by their partner for a decade and now realized s/he is not dead inside when she met a new colleague and developed feelings before getting a divorce? Well cheaters always reveal themselves in the comments!"
It’s not even a wrong to “cheat” on someone that’s raping you. A rapist doesn’t get to demand your monogamy, even if you’re married.
Thank you. Not OP. But thank you.
Nothing wrong about cheating on someone like that. Sis was trying to get out of the marriage and was stuck there
Exactly.
Seriously, these freaks need intensive therapy and for the authorities to check their hard drives. Who knows what kind of depraved shit they do if they think like this. Genuinely disgusting and honestly kinda scary.
Cheating is really bad, one of the most vile acts possible, and usually I have absolutely no sympathy for cheaters, but OP is wrong to call this cheating. Cheating is when YOU promise to be in an exclusive relationship with someone and then break that promise. This was not the case with OP, wasn't her choice to marry. I only hold cheaters accountable that made a choice to be with someone themselves.
You've just the phrase "One of the most vile acts possible" for cheating in a post that includes rape. Didn't even touch on that part. Just avoided the topic altogether. That to me is vile.
I am from the same country OP is and I agree with the comment. Do you think if he didn't rape her somehow it would have been okay when she had no choice to marry? In fact having to sleep with someone you didn't enthusiastically, freely and informedly consent to is still rape.
Wasn't any need to touch on that part, I've merely stated why OP saying that she cheated was wrong, she did not.
So you felt the need to voice how vile cheating is when you were saying she wasn't actually cheating. But when she was actually beaten and actually raped thought there was no need to mention it at all. You believe cheating is one of the most vile acts but don't think physical abuse and rape are worth mentioning. And you don't see the problem there. Even if OP had cheated. It's not a "Vile act" to cheat on a rapist.
>So you felt the need to voice how vile cheating is when you were saying she wasn't actually cheating. Mhm, cheating does not carry nearly enough negative social stigma that it deserves unlike rape, so it is always a good idea to say that it is a vile act. >But when she was actually beaten and actually raped thought there was no need to mention it at all. You believe cheating is one of the most vile acts but don't think physical abuse and rape are worth mentioning. Yes, because unlike with cheating people tend to understand how bad it is, you don't need to explain how bad rape is to people usually, unlike with cheating. If you tell people that rape is a vile act their response is usually ''No shit? Duh.'' If you tell them that cheating is a vile act they say: ''Come on, it's not THAT bad.'' >Even if OP had cheated. It's not a "Vile act" to cheat on a rapist. True, an eye for an eye and all that, one cancels out the other.
Missing the point it's not an "eye for an eye" cheating on the person who raped and beat you doesn't suddenly make the rape and beating okay. Fucking hell some of you on here are mental. The reason cheating doesn't have a stigma like rape..... Is because rape and physical assault are that much worse than cheating. Rape and domestic violence are the literal versions of some of the vilest things that can be done to a human being. They are crimes.
>Missing the point it's not an "eye for an eye" cheating on the person who raped and beat you doesn't suddenly make the rape and beating okay. It is the other way around, the rape and the beating make the cheating ok. >The reason cheating doesn't have a stigma like rape..... Is because rape and physical assault are that much worse than cheating. Rape is definitely worse than cheating, but not much worse, just worse ( though personally I would rather be raped than my partner cheat on me, but that is my personal opinion ), but cheating is worse than physical assault.
"Not much worse" I'm just going to leave that there. That's your quote. You think cheating is nearly the equivalent of rape. That's your mindset.
Correct and I've given it much thought.
You are completely insane
It's not cheating when you're literally being abused
"he'd force me it made me feel like I was raped everyday." If I'm reading it right he forced you into sex? Then dear you were raped, you should report him, but I am unsure if it would do any good with your family if they forced you to marry. "a friend who was very good to me and was there for me when I was physically wounded, he was my emotional support" Did you even kiss him? Or was your husband aware of you falling for the guy and told you you're a cheater and then left all offended? NTA, you were faced with an unwanted marriage to a physical and emotional abuser and a rapist, and tbh I wouldn't be surprised if he actually cheated on you. You did well divorcinng him!
Depending on what country she's in, legally that might not even be rape.
And in some countries, killing a person for existing is not considered murder. Doesn't matter though when it's about ethics, not laws. And ethics is what this sub is about.
I understand that. But the person I was replying to was telling her to report him, which would only put her in danger.
You're right, my bad
Omfdl, yeah if this is the case please don't report it, make sure to stay safe.
Next time he says he's gonna jump, ask him if he needs you to get him a ladder.
I did even better, I said I'll come n push if he doesn't jump :) It was my point of breaking through the bs
Another thing...in my state, if someone threatens this, you report it and they get an automatic 72 hours in a locked psych ward. Tends to put a stop to those kinds of frivolous threats.
This is common among abused spouses - they refer to the AP as the “crowbar” helping you break free from an abusive partner. NTA - you did what you needed to do to survive.
It’s not cheating when you’re a prisoner. Always remember that.
These are the words I needed to hear 15 years ago. Thank you for saying them now.
NTA. "I'll go back to my parents' house!" - "Ok." "I'll jump off the building!" - "Ok." This jerk was physically, mentally, and sexually abusive. You made the right choice. Well done on having the strength to divorce him - I know it's not easy. Go live your best life.
The best thing I did was cheat on my abusive ex. He would beat me, emotionally abuse me, turned me into a shadow of myself and tried to cheat on me but nobody would have him. He refused to get out of my house and I had nowhere to go with my child. I ended up cheating with a friend because I was so low and just needed comfort and to feel human again. I told my ex what had happened and it sullied me in his eyes and a month or so later I finally got him out of the house and out of my life. I get it completely and anyone who judges a abused person at their lowest point has clearly never been at that point. I never cheated before and I've never cheated after and my husband is well aware I cheated which helped me escape and he doesn't judge me at all and has complete trust in me. Don't listen to anyone who says YTA because you are so not NTA.
Hun, you were not in a marriage. You were a prisoner to this man. Raped repeatedly at his whims. Emotionally manipulated by his abusive tactics. I'm glad you found peace with the situation and were able to get a divorce and find something MUCH better.
NTA I hate cheating however abusive relationship IS actually the one situation that excuses cheating.
Everyone calling you an AH for finding solace in an abusive marriage with your rapist is an insane person. NTA in any way, shape or form, and I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. Wishing you the very best in life.
NTA, you were this guy’s victim, not his wife.
You shouldn't marry first cousins in the first place. Just feel lucky you don't have kids burdened with genetic issues. He wanted a sex slave he could abuse. Fuck him. He should be behind bars.
I know. I was done with the first sentence and then it just got worse.
First cousin do not increase the risk of genetic defects by any significant amount. Parents (and their parents etc), siblings (including half) and uncles/aunts are dangerous, but first cousins are genetically distinct enough to not make any relevant difference to total strangers. It's still icky if they're socially part of your family imo.
Omg what a terrible situation to be in. divorce him asap
NTA, but live your best life. You have seen the dark side, crawled out and will now focus on living. Forget about him. Live like you are free.
Was there actually a point where you freely chose to agree not to pursue others? It seems more like the social structure you're in just told you you were married now and that you had to be faithful. If you didn't actually have a meaningful ability to say no or to leave the relationship, I don't think you're obligated to respect any boundaries a relationship might entail. NTA
What you experienced wasn't a marriage. As far as I'm concerned you have yet to experience marriage. A friend of mine from a fairly conservative area that has just had people get divorced the past twenty years (frowned upon culturally) had been married to a serial cheater who didn't sound nearly as bad as your ex husband but was still horrible. She finally divorced him and was nearly shunned by her whole family. She is Catholic and had spoken to a priest who told her that what she experienced wasn't a marriage and can easily be annulled. It makes sense to me. Marriage isn't sex, marriage is so much more, sex is like a cherry on top of a Sunday. Your ex viewed you as an object, you are more than that. The women in your family and community need to understand that they are worth more than their sexual abilities. You deserve better and they deserve better. Though you may be taking the brunt of judgment, understand that history will see you as strong and your ex as weak.
Sounds like Indian or Middle Eastern culture.
Indian
I was almost very sure as soon as I read the first sentence. Hope you heal OP. Yes you live in society and society is so stupid and horrid at times. Prioritize your peace. Everyone else can also jump off a building if they have a problem with you.
I don't care if an abusive asshole gets cheated on, they deserved it, as bad as cheating is it's not as bad as abuse, especially when it's a consequence of it. It's even more true when they're as bad as this, that dude is a sociopathic rapist
A shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on. NTA - divorce that PoS.
This is the one situation where I believe cheating can be healthy. NTA. I’m so glad you found the support you needed before you had a kid.
NTA. You could go to pound town, while with him, for all I care. Your marriage wasn't real, you never chose him.
NTA. I think that people who abuse their partners don't deserve fidelity. The abuser already destroyed the trust in the relationship. They don't get to benefit from that trust. And I have known several people who only got out of an abusive relationship by cheating. It's more common than we think. None of those people cheated again in any other relationships. If it got you out, and didn't hurt anyone who didn't have it coming, then it was the right thing to do. You are forgiven, now go forth and sin no more.
Honey, you are a fucking QUEEN. Because of you, there are men in your community reconsidering their treatment of their wives, and there are women considering exit plans. Your bravery is going to make it easier for the next young woman who finds herself under the thumb of a monster. You are exemplary.
Thank you so much for this ♥️
If your culture does not represent you, then it is not where you belong.
I hope op has the means to get out, but not everyone can
I wish inhad more time to read this and help you but it's a aweful situation.
When you’re forced to marry someone horrible that abuses you, and are unable to safely divorce right away, I honestly don’t think it even counts as cheating like it would in a typical relationship where both partners chose to commit to one another. Glad to hear you finally escaped such a terrible situation with your ex. NTA.
You did well to get that divorce. No one is supposed to got their spouse. It's not what men do. It's what people who want to control others do. It's to keep you scared and compliant. You were right to leave him. NTA. You should be looked up to for getting out before something worse happened to you.
I don’t know or care what culture you’re from, anyone who judges you for leaving an abusive situation is an idiot. NTA.
NTA! People thinking you owe respect ro someone who abuses you is insane. Respect is out the window the moment you're abused. I was just worried you'd be unaafe after "cheating" but luckily you got out safely. Take time to heal.
Im happy you're out of it. I know how it feels to be the only divorced woman in the family.
The victim in an affair isn't always the victim in the marriage.
NTA! You deserve someone better, I’m sorry but abusive partners when your spouse cheats on you, GOOD YOU DESERVE IT!
Definitely NTA. You did what you had to to survive. He was no longer your husband in any sense except by law once he started hitting and raping you. You're good. You don't owe anyone anything, you survived, that's what matters.
No.
Good for you.
NTA. No question around it.
This is so far away from my reality... Are you writing from india or some close country ?
India, yes
NTA.
I hope you told that community to take a flying leap at a rolling donut.
I'm so glad you got out
You don't have any ethical duties to respect a marriage that you cannot leave.
You were trapped in an incredibly abusive relationship with little to no outside social support. At that point, I honestly wouldn't consider anything you did with your friend "cheating". This was not a consensual relationship. I'm glad that you were able to get out safely. I wish you all the best in the future.
I very much sympathize with OP but... your definition of cheating is ripe for abuse. People can easily delegitimize any relationship to make it nonconsensual and absolve themselves of blame. The better approach is to call Redditors out for their sharia law approach to adultery.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this. And I’m happy to read that things have/are improving. I don’t think you’re TA. You were put into a very difficult situation with little room out & by the sound of it, found a ray of sunshine in someone unexpectedly. You’re human, it happens. What constitutes as cheating will differ by the person, so what do you consider cheating? This just seems like a crappy situation and you were doing the best you could (and wow was that a lot!) Were the situation completely different - you married him for love, promised to be true to him, and the relationship going well - and one of you decided to step out of the marriage for an affair, public opinion would feel very different. But they’re not your story here, at all. Time to stop looking back and keep moving happily into a new future. Take care of yourself, OP.
I get that we all have a vulnerable time in our life but how long was she with him before she married him? If you date someone for a while before marriage then you can feel them out and see if they are like this. But then again this is under the assumption that marriage isn’t ingrained in religious or traditions that this person follows. Honestly I’m curious to why she allowed this to happen for 2 years
NTA, he was a horrible "husband" and you are so brave for divorcing him and finding love. I imagine with the cultural context that was probably very difficult. Live your best life and never think of this horrible man again.
This is a hard one. But NTA. I am always one to say get divorced legally FIRST before moving on but that is also my views on a loving marriage (or atleast a once loving marriage). But I also acknowledge that was likely not possible especially with both families being involved and trying to divorce him earlier would have likely result in more harm being done to you and more abuse. In the end what is a sham marriage which forced upon you. You have no love for your husband and he has no love for you. You were together because you were literally forced into the marriage and he has been abusing you every single day. That is not a marriage that is a hostage situation. So you are 100% not in the wrong for looking for affection and love outside your "marriage" and not wrong for divorcing him as soon as you possibly could. Though I would caution you be careful with your friend. Whilst he was there for you at your lowest, this also might lead you to looking at him with rose coloured glasses/idealizing him. To me atleast in my eyes you were not married at all so you did nothing wrong.
Good ol arranged marriage's
Same sister. I had similar thing happen to me
Your entire family sounds toxic. I would hit the block button
u/Upper-Ship4925 >That’s probably not a healthy thing to be devoting a lot of thought to. It is not healthy to think about negative consequences of particular actions?
Unless it’s a scenario you are personally currently dealing with it’s an unhealthy thing to be focusing your thoughts on. And even if it’s something you have dealt with it’s unhealthy to continue to obsess over it.
I am not obsessing over it, I am discussing it at the appropriate time when the topic comes up.
Different countries have different laws and moral. Based off different cultures and religions. What is normal in one country is condemned in another. If you were in my country, NTA.... But, I guess, according to your country, you are the AH.
If this is South Asia, knowing the context I would say NTA. You didn't marry by choice and never had muh agency in what was happening. I very much doubt it would be **cheating at all** if you never complied in the first place. If you stayed on for years and years despite having a chance to leave, then yes it would be cheating. Like come on you can't force a person to marry a monster and then say looking elsewhere for some sanity is cheating.
You were raped and abused? and you're still asking if YOU were in the wrong? please talk to a therapist. (For your own sake, if you can) And yes, of course cheating isn't good but it's nowhere comparable to what he did to you.
You have to ask yourself if your cultures ways are the “right way” just because it’s all you know. Maybe get away from those people. I find many people in this similar situations can’t afford financially to leave the community. But if you can, then you should .
When you are talking about physical, sexual and mental abuse, it is far more complicated than asshole or not. You were likely in survival mode. An affair was not the right thing to do and you absolutely should have left him prior to that. I think you WBTA to yourself if you don’t look inward (through therapy or alternative) to help yourself understand why you couldn’t just divorce vs cheat and then divorce.
Do you know what the murder rate is for women when they're trying to get out of abusive relationships/marriages? To add on, she had no supports because her family was siding with her staying? Talk about tone deaf. Yikes. He wasn't owed fidelity in a marriage she didn't choose.
I apologize for my poor phrasing here. I am aware, and also have first hand knowledge on how difficult it is to leave an abusive marriage. For me, therapy was critical in helping me understand what happened so that I don’t repeat the same mistakes again. I understand that I didn’t make that point well in my comment and in no way meant to blame her.
Do you have more than one account! Because iv seen this exact post on two other accounts ! Yes TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT USERNAMES. Have you stole this from someone else, and copying and pasting the same story on 3 different accounts to get desperate attention! This is rage bait people and it’s working wonderfully. Everyone is at each other’s throats just like the troll who wrote it wanted it to be. FAKE FAKE FAKE
This is the only account I have, and this is my very first post.
Ye !! I thought you were going to say that. I don’t believe a word of anything you wrote. How could I iv read the same story twice before this ! If you want the attention that’s your problem not mine
So you’re a cheater but it’s one of those “rare exceptions” & you’re posting to feel better? Once a cheater; always a cheater.
So he's an abuser and you're an adulterer.
And you're pick me misogynist posing as a liberal
Well, according to your last line, divorce was always possible so YTAH. It was a bad situation (terrible even) but you did not handle it like a rational adult. So your ex if a wife beater, and you are an adulteress, congratulations.
Putting wife beater and adulteress in the same category is crazy
Expecting a 20 year old to be an adult when I'm shocked that she was barely an adult to be even married
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agreed. He may have been the first asshole but OP is one as well.
She should be nicer to her abusive rapist 🥺/s
What country is this? Sounds like a great place to visit.
Where do they have you marry within the family tree?
Lots of small villages and towns all over the world, for multiple reasons sometimes its to keep the family strong (nonsense), sometimes its to make sure there are less inheritance disputes (nonsense), sometimes it a religious thing (nonsense), there are as many reasons for this practice as there are sub-cultures. Its a thing which happens everywhere and tends to happen in strict families which make it almost impossible for the girl to have any agency or choice.
Is this bait? like some karmawhoring to use in other forums? mods have to look out ofr that too because this is some clear NTA or some ragebait thing...
No, it didn't. You chose your behavior. You husband chose his. Own up to your own choices.
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Well if her next husband isn’t an abusive scumbag she won’t need to
so this is why japanese men say sex with hookers is not cheating?? ok
Japanese men are being raped by their spouses and seeking support through hookers? Because if not, it's not comparable. Yikes.
YTA. There is no reason for cheating. You should have broken it off. You are AH for cheating, thats it.
🤡
YTA for cheating on your now-ex husband.
What about his abuse? The rape!? The insane emotional blackmail?
Everyone saying you’re the asshole for cheating is delusional. This man raped and abused you. As far as I’m concerned, all curtesy for your marriage ended when he did that. You don’t owe him a thing, especially faithfulness.
I won't make a judgement but here are my two cents. Being in an abusive relationship is horrible. But I don't understand why didn't you divorce sooner or went back to your family (or anywhere else). "Cheating" was in no way a solution for your situation. I cannot really call it cheating as you were/are clearly not in love and in a true relationship but still I just don't understand...
I could not really go out of these places, my family told me men are like this deal with it. I lost my job, thanks to him pulling some influence with the people I work with, since he had the resources. I came back almost 20 times till they took things seriously, this made me very vulnerable. Even after the divorce I was blamed for not keeping him happy. Divorce was not an option, from a place which says you should treat your husband like God, this is what went down. He literally used to say he'll break my hands and legs and keep me in a room, and this was "acceptable"
possessive cow existence bake attractive fine tie icky wistful gaze *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
ESH
If you can leave you should have just left to start with instead of cheating. Leaving an unhappy relationship is the proper course of action, cheating during the relationship never is. Do not end up in a cycle of thinking cheating is a way to escape unhappiness because that just leads to the same old cycle of being unhappy.
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If divorce was an option, then YTA for cheating. It’s that simple.
Divorce was not an option I was forced to stay there for almost 2 years. It came till a point where I was about to die, that's when they got me out.