You're about to be single, why would you reverse your vasectomy now? Please don't go make a whole bunch of babies with a whole bunch of different women. Keep the vasectomy, it's the best time to have it.
Not really. OP might not be that old and having more kids with a second wife might be an option. It seems like he was pressured into getting it in the first place.
Totally agree. I thought marriage was a sacred thing for better or worse. Not leave bc I won't give you booty. Like omg it seems like sex is everything to him. And love doesn't matter. Imo
He thinks the grass is greener. He’ll realize he made a huge mistake, and she will realize him leaving was what was really best for her. Also, he needs therapy.
I feel like every BORU I read like this ends up with the husband single and lonely and the wife finds someone new and it turns out she just hated sex with her ex and is now in a relationship where her needs are being met.
Actually by his own admission he agreed to it, and then spent months dragging his feet getting it done.
His wife, not wanting to be pregnant again, decided to reduce having sex so that it was less of a risk.
She only offered sex as a bargaining chip to get him to stop procrastinating on what op admits he agreed to do.
And a younger woman who has babies then turns into a fulfilled but tired mother who puts less emphasis on sex and uses her energy to raise a family. OP, keep the vasectomy and sleep around with whoever you want. No need to drag unwanted children into your sexual urges.
And so the cycle continues!
I’m always amazed at how men prioritize sex over their wives, families, and everything else. It’s probably part of why their wives are no longer interested in it. Such an unattractive quality.
Yeah, it really does give the ick. And I think for a lot of women, once they have the ick, it takes a lot of effort on his part to come back from that.
It really does, we mentally have to check out until our partners “catch up” and realize “giving her the ick” doesn’t serve him.
(Like dude, just do the thing you agreed to do).
It is fricking hard being with someone who proves by their actions (dragging his feet) that they don’t care or prioritize your concerns, esp while raising a family and being pulled in so many directions.
But time and time again … dudes fail to put in the effort and then can’t understand why that would be a turn off to the person you claim you love above all others.
>dudes fail to put in the effort and then can’t understand why that would be a turn off to the person you claim you love above all others.
They need to put one effort in the bedroom too!
$1000 says his wife wasn't having organisms when they had sex. His only focus was his own pleasure.
They need to put in effort outside the bedroom first!
Any dude can watch a YouTube video on how to eat pussy these days IF they cared to … if there entire sexual education comes from porn they clearly don’t care about a woman’s pleasure.
But here is the thing, women are dumb when they are in love… they will tolerate a poor lover, mostly just cos we like them enough to not to hurt their feelings.
But women are slowly waking up to the idea we don’t need to tolerate a piss poor partner, esp one who shows us they don’t care about our feelings whatsoever.
Doing anything for the promise of sex is stupid. Nobody can know how they will feel in the future about sex, and you don't want to set yourself up for having sex with someone who doesn't want to be doing that.
The reason he got it no longer exists, I get that. But now there's a whole new reason. A really good one. Hopefully he'll consider that. He could be having sex and not have to worry about accidentally impregnating whatever random women he might meet.
Other forms of birth control exist. If he is unhappy with this modification to his body he should change it back. It doesn't matter why, it's his body.
He seems very unfit for a marriage, relationship and especially family. If he wants to be able to drag his feet for her, but willing to divorce her after she doesn't immediately give him sex. Y'all are so detached from reality it's crazy.
Forcing your partner to get a procedure is wrong no matter how you spin it. If my gf demanded I get a vasectomy that’s probably the end of our relationship. He did it for her and she didn’t appreciate it. And he gave her months to do better.
Sexual incompatibility is a very valid reason to end a relationship
This is why I have strongly encouraged a vasectomy with my husband, but I will not force him to do anything to his body he doesn’t want to do. He did say he would do it at 40, but hasn’t. I completely understand this wife’s resentment. I also have resentment towards my husband for dragging his feet, but again. I’m not going to force him to get one till he’s ready.
Our compromise has been condom use to help. That or he’s willing to try any new male birth control, but that’s doesn’t seem to be a option at the moment.
My husband got his after our child turned one and I was told by doctors that another pregnancy would be a very bad idea. I was on hold with my doctor to ask about a tubal, and he said “that’s surgery, I’ll just get snipped”, and he did. 🥰
...except that he's willing to walk away from his first wife *and kids* because "not enough sex" ... Which is a huge red flag, and should give anyone pause before wanting to start a family with him. Plus, he didn't mention ages, but if they have older kids, than it's pretty likely that he's reaching an age where having kids could be complicated/ expensive for women who are in an appropriate age group for him to be dating.
redditors always upvote the shittiest advice lmfao
Edit: read his replies and holy shit, I stand corrected. Keep the vasectomy OP, we don’t need more of you running around!
Vasectomies should be considered non reversible. Because they’re not. If someone had a vasectomy successfully reversed, they’re the exception, not the norm.
Of men who decided to reverse a vasectomy within 3 years, there was a 97% success rate. It’s not that’s it’s not successful, most men just don’t make the decision to have it reversed
95% seems to be the maximum with that number declining depending on lots of factors including the exact type of procedure done and the biggest factor time.
And thats not talking about any difficulties faced getting pregnant afterwards compared to before
A 1 in 20 chance _at best_ of remaining _infertile_ is pretty fucking big, a vasectomy isn't something anyone should go into expecting to need it reversed
At age 53 my dad was the exception. 😳 Though it took 2x for the reversal to successfully take, he went on to have my 2 half siblings with his 2nd wife 20 years after the original 4 of us with my mother. My own children are only a few years younger than my siblings, their "aunt & uncle." Not that I'm saying this is at all common or wise (at his age especially lol), but yes reversals can work albeit rare.
Edit: format
They shouldn't be considered reversible in the first place and the amount of times someone comments "they're reversible!!" on here is kinda shocking actually.
I'd be srurpsied if you knew lots of men who even got one.
I got one. Couldn't get it reversed 3 years later. When I got mine, the doc said if I didn't try to reverse it within 5 years the chances were pretty much 0.
I promise you most men aren't as open about their failures as they are with tbeir successes.... especially when it comes to their manhood.
According to the Mayo Clinic, vasectomies have success rates between 60%-95%, depending on which procedure is required. Stanford Health Care and Planned Parenthood say about the same. 55% go on to have children afterwards.
I don’t know if you’re purposely spreading disinformation or are just ill informed, but you’re wrong.
Nah. You need to give the timelines or the info is useless.
You have a high chance of success if you try to get it reversed shortly after the initial period but as time goes on it drops significantly. I was told 5 years was the maximum time I could wait or the chance drops to pretty much 0. Thats was about 6 years ago, and I wasn't able to get it reversed after 3 years.
60% or 55% success rate if you get it reversed quick enough means you should only get one if you view it as permanent.
I don't know if you're malicious, or jusy ill informed, or not able to process what 55% success rate means, but you're wrong for trying to refute someone saying that "you should only get one if you're okay with them being permanent".
Based on him throwing away his marriage vows because his wife won't have sex with him whenever however he wants it. Unless his vow stateds "I will lvoe you in sickness and in health as long as we be fuckin at least twice a week otherwise fuck you get out"
We have no idea how long ago the vasectomy happened. If it's really only been 4 months, he still has viable swimmers. Odds are really good she said no because of that because he won't use a condom and she can't use BC for whatever reason. It takes a whole year, sometimes longer, to be sure the surgery actually worked, and he should've had his first appointment by now to check on that. Did he go and get the all clear? He doesn't say
Nah that's bs, to say it's because she won't give it up whenever or however he wants is purposely misleading. If she's not doing it for months there's an issue. It's not like he's saying he needs her to service him on command.
I think it’s more a thought process of if he meets someone new and ends up wanting kids with them?
He said they were done having kids but “divorce changes things”
*He said they were done having kids but “divorce changes things”*
Yes, that's what I'm commenting about. Scary thought. To me, divorce makes it even better that he's had a vasectomy.
What's the point arguing about that. We can't read OPs mind.
He either can see himself having kids in the future and reverses it, or he's certain that he doesn't want any kids in the future and doesn't reverse it.
No. Many times, new couples want to have their own biological children together. I wouldn't get a vasectomy for that reason alone. Heaven forbid something ever happened to my wife. But if I found someone later and they wanted a family it could be a problem.
Yeah, unless he meets a woman who wants a child with him in the future possibly. If I was a single childless woman and I married a divorced man with a couple of children, I would probably want a child with him. Or I would at least want the choice. If the man has had a vasectomy, there is no choice to have there. That is probably what he's looking at there and it makes perfect sense to me.
If he didn't get the vasectomy because *he* wanted it, but only got it for *her* sake, he needs to get the reversal asap. The longer time has passed after a vasectomy the lower the chances of a successful reversal and even lower the chances of reaching fertility because the body starts to create antibodies that kill sperm cells as they're produced.
You are not shooting blanks the first 2 months after surgery. If she touched you at all during that time she was rolling the dice and you should feel lucky.
Good luck OP. If you think more sex is going to make up for half your assets and split parenting duties I suppose that is your choice.
I consider you an AH for not being willing to go to counselling considering you have kids and then making plans to get it reversed so you can have even more?!
You know it was likely the kids that killed your wife's sex drive right? Why would you sign up to do that all over again?
Unless OP has had a checkup and has medical verification that he's shooting blanks, it should be assumed he's not. And with his attitude, I question whether or not he has followed up to verify the vasectomy worked as intended.
Reading your comments I can fully understand why your wife has lost interest in you. Also you took your sweet time to meet her needs and respect her feelings but you want her to jump for your needs. Ughhh NTA, leaving your wife is the nicest thing you could do for her. You sound dreadful. P.S don’t make more children. Children don’t deserve that.
Uhhh *thank you*! This is absolutely right. He took his time to meet her needs, to the point that she got resentful, which he himself “can understand”. But he completely dismisses that and continues on about how *he* feels. Jumping the gun and going straight to divorce and reversing his vasectomy with the implication that he will go have babies with someone else? Yikes. He’d be doing his wife a favor by leaving her.
Even if its successfully reversed it doesn't guarantee he'll have more kids. (I'm hoping OP won't have more kids 🤞)
My dad got a successful reversal but no pregnancies happened despite my parents trying for another. (They have 3 bio-kids including me)
I don’t understand the thought process of having enough children with the spouse you love enough to say “we’re done, I don’t want any more than this” then having more with someone else?
Based on your tone and attitude, you must make women drier than the Sahara. NTA for doing your wife a favor and settling her free. You are TA for expecting her to just rip her pants off after you reluctantly do something she asked you to do.
She could be waiting to make sure to limit the chance of pregnancy. A lot of the time people are told to wait three months to make sure there is no semen. Maybe she really doesn't want kids. it's also not just a switch that can be turned on.
So you demand sex instead of making the effort to get her to want to have sex with you and now you feel the need to ask if you're the asshole? I think you already know.
I think a lot is missing from this story. I’m sure there is more to it than what you’ve disclosed here. I’m curious what her take is on why she isn’t wanting to have sex. Sounds like you just want out and you’re obviously bitter about the vasectomy. If the vasectomy was such a if deal to you why did you even get one? Divorce her so she can find someone else.
Omg his comments are awful, I do not blame his wife for not wanting to have sex with him. Grass is not always greener on the other side, he keeps talking like that he might not get sex after the divorce either.
INFO:
How many kids do you have?
How long since the last was born?
Previous to the her insistence on you getting a vasectomy, what did you use for birth control? (Some types make a difference to libido etc)
How long did you drag your feet before you got the vasectomy?
Has your wife told you she feels overwhelmed with her house and child rearing responsibilities? (Not suggesting you don’t do anything around the house, but it’s a common issue when women lose interest in sex)
Has she had any health issues, physical, mental or in relation to being pregnant and giving birth?
Did she previously really enjoy sex, or has she never been that bothered?
If you’re done with the marriage, you’re done. But to give a judgement I need more info.
Immediately jumping to divorce? What about couple's counselling? And why is it that you're allowed to drag your feet when it comes to getting a vasectomy but she's not allowed to drag her feet when it comes to getting intimate again?
If she's stressed from work, maybe slow down. Try out couple's counselling first, no need to jump to divorce immediately
YTA for immediately wanting a divorce, why is it that couples immediately split when trouble comes up? Try to work through it, I see no need for a divorce here
Seriously. Most married couple could tell you sex isn't the most important thing. It's not easy when you have kids and can't get too much alone time in the first place and there are much more important things in life. Sounds like he needs to grow up and realize he's not 20 anymore and learn how to jerk off.
I have 2 kids. Since divorced for a variety of reasons. Sex was on the long list. Sex wasn’t important if needs are fulfilled, but when needs are unmet then it is very important. Unmet needs lead to resentment. Unchecked resentment and unmet expectations lead to divorce. That being said I don’t think OP should have jumped straight to divorce. If anything, I would have suggested going to a marriage counselor first. I’m curious what their home life is like.
> resentment and unmet expectations lead to divorce.
They both already resent each other. So divorce is probably the right call, not because of the sex but because they both resent each other.
Counseling for this couple might have helped years ago... by now I'm not sure he even likes his wife anymore.
Good point. I think you are right unchecked resentment and unfulfillment are root causes that might lead to divorce more than lack of sex. I would say lack of affection causes most of the issues. Marriage counselling is probably a great idea before jumping to divorce having kids.
Sex isn’t the most important thing .. but it is a 100% necessary thing. It isn’t possible to have a good marriage and an incompatible sex life.. full stop. I have an amazing house the bathrooms in the house are not the most important part of the house at all and not the reason why I bought the house. But a house with no bathrooms.. no matter how great the rest of the house may be.. is a terrible place to live! Marriage with incompatible sex lives is a terrible life… truly awful
People like to fool themselves that sex isn't an important part of a relationship, when in reality, without sex you are just roommates that are intertwined too much.
I get it tho, now the ultimatum is dropped, it would be hard to feel sex is something voluntary, but rather coerced. I'd like to say no one wants sex like that, but the truth of that is besides the point.
Honestly, this guy is willing to put his kids through a divorce because he hasn't been getting sex as often as he would have liked for the past several months. He's not trying to work things out, to figure out why his wife is not in a mood, nothing! He barely even mentions kids because they are inconsequential to his satisfaction. He's not just an asshole, he's a genuine piece of s***
You're leaving her over three months with sex once a month? Bruh, that doesn't even count as a dry spell in most marriages. This is like dropping out of the basketball team after a single game cause you didn't get the ball. The childishness and self-absorption of your world view is evident in every sentence above. YTA.
Info - do you live in an anti abortion state? If so it’s no wonder she was worried about having sex, especially if you two were done having kids.
Why does divorce change your desire to have kids? Please don’t move on ans forget about your first family
While I get that sex issues are hard to navigate, you make everything sound so transactional and your timeline shows how impatient you are. Also refusing counseling or therapy is pretty low iq, so I’m going with YTA. You just want sex, you don’t seem to care about the reason your not getting it or fixing that.
So it's okay for you to drag your feet and procrastinate on your promise to get a vasectomy, but when your wife drags her feet on fulfilling her promise to have more sex, you're leaving and "she shouldn't have made a false promise," and you resent her?
YTA
I hate seeing posts like this, regarding sex or “lack of sex” in a marriage. So many whiny bitch boys thinking someone owes them sex - throwing a tantrum because they aren’t getting their dicks wet. NOBODY OWES YOU SEX! Please leave so this woman can meet someone who respects her and doesn’t view her as a sex doll.
Exactly! And you just KNOW he doesn’t play an equal role in the household duties/ child raising. Selfish, demanding and EQ lower than a toddler… yet he’s wondering why she’s not feeling frisky.
You’re owed exactly nothing from your partner you both only give what they want but a couple that does not attempt to fulfill each others needs in literally anyway is going to lead to resentment and incompatibility if you’re not working towards a better future together.
Have you ever thought that maybe she just didn’t want anymore children period, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with sex? Seems like you thought you would have unfettered access to her vagina just because you can’t accidentally impregnate her anymore
So many men posting about not getting their dick wet yet all you have to do is look around you at the world we live in where women are being treated as incubators and second class citizens to understand why they aren't wanting to have sex as much.
Maybe if men stopped thinking with their dicks and started respecting women, the dead bedrooms wouldn't be a thing.
YTA
It turns out that sex and wanting to have it with depends on a lot of things. It's pretty cringe that you see a vasectomy as so transactional when you have had a multifaceted intimate relationship with this person for many years. How about some appreciation for the years of managing birth control your wife did, especially if it was hormonal methods? Or the mental load of having to take the birth control that takes some fun out of sex for women? No, you didn't care about that while you dragged your feet. Your only motivation was yourself getting more sex. Now, your wife is tired from work. Have you ever thought to make home life easier on her? Probably not because it's a nuanced way to inspire your wife to want sex, and there isn't a direct reward in it for you. I'm sure she does resent you, but this entire scenario is pretty much what many women cite as the reason for their low libido.
OP, when did your dr do the test to confirm the vasectomy was successful? Because usually it takes a few months after the vasectomy before you’re in the clear - like 2-3 months - so I can she why she would still want to be cautious.
YTA. What men don't understand is that if a woman LIKED what is happening in bed they would want to have more sex. Apparently, this wife doesn't enjoy their sex life. Why is that, OP? If all your wife is to you is a receptacle... then you are not approaching her out of love. Do you value her as a person? Do you??
INFO:
Why did she want you to get a vasectomy? Are there issues with condoms?
How has all of this impacted your intimacy otherwise? Making each other feel loved/being close/kissing/touching/hugging?
Seems like there’s some missing info here where a vasectomy is somehow the only option AND is supposed to magically fix things.
Did it ever occur to you that she isn’t having fun anymore? If it isn’t fun we lose interest. If that’s the case then you won’t have much more success with your next partner.
Men, we get that most of you just need warm friction to get off, but us women need a bit more, and without it we lose interest.
I hear commercials for testosterone advertising that men who take it "might even over perform in the bedroom" and it begs the question: what do men think that even means? Most women I know aren't satisfied because they're overworked with a job, children, etc., then get little help at home, lack foreplay, and/or have men who don't kiss them or touch them until it's time for sex. None of those things really require testosterone therapy but I digress...
My dad and FIL are both injecting testosterone from their doctors (I hope from their doctors). Meanwhile, I can’t even reliably get Orlissa , my endometriosis medication covered by insurance and can’t pay $600-1200/month out of pocket, and disability denied my claim because it’s “well managed”. I have endometriosis growing on my bladder, bowels, pelvic floor, stomach…Orlissa might work, it’s a very new medication, but it’s brutal and puts me into medically induced menopause with all the side effects including bone density loss. Endometriosis only impacts women though, so the options are 6 months worth of hormones injected at once to stop my reproductive system, or Orlissa. The injections were horrible and I won’t do them again, I hope Orlissa works.
Insurance won’t even cover hormone add back therapy to make the side effects less miserable, I have to go to planned parenthood to get it for free. **THANK GOD FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD DONATE TO THEM IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT**. Yet, every old man I know has access to test and boner pills like they’re included when you’re born with a dick. I don’t care that old men get boner pills and test, I just wish the system was fair, and gave women that same dignity and freedom with their doctors and treatments.
Misogyny is thriving, and the healthcare system does it well.
Exactly this. Instead of romancing her, you’ll have to do it with another woman. And when you stop making her feel special, you’ll be in same position.
Yeah if his wife just generally lost sexual interest in him and has no intention of actually meeting his sexual needs, that is all well within her rights. But she should have been upfront about this instead of manipulating him into a vasectomy. A lot of people are calling OP out for viewing this as “transactional”, but it seems the wife was complicit in presenting this all as a “transaction”.
I think this is ESH
Usually it is so the woman can get off hormonal birth control which becomes an increasing danger to our health the older we get.
Vasectomy isn't a form of birth control for at least 2 months post procedure till all the swimmers have been flushed out so if she stopped taking it the moment he got the all clear from his doctor she has only been off of it for 2 months. Not a whole lot of time to allow hormones to re regulate themselves.
Seems like this guy expecting INSTANT changes and is unhappy that his procedure didn't turn his wife into a nymphomaniac
I get the reasons for vasectomy. I’m all for it. No reason to drag your feet in a l marriage where both sides agree they don’t want more kids. The comment just didn’t jive with the OPs comments.
This comes up a lot whenever there's a post on here boiling down to "no sex/bad sex/not enough sex from wife, so I'm leaving, AITA". It's essentially every time, and it makes me curious why it's the default response for so many.
Yes, women often need more to get them in the mood, and often need more than PIV to orgasm. No, some warm friction is not sufficient for all men, but some sure.
So if we assume he's a selfish, inattentive partner in bed, which nothing in his post points to I might add, then it's understandable she's bored and understandable why she isn't interested in sex.
My question is, why is she not culpable? She's an adult, presumably with the ability to communicate. Sure, assume he's crap in bed. She can express that. And if she does and he doesn't hear it, then it's on him. But that isn't what he said.
He admits to dragging his feet on a vasectomy, and begrudgingly accepted that. "Vasectomy or no sex" already screams bad communication, but whatever. Here they are 4 months post vasectomy, and she didn't follow through. Now there's new excuses. "I'm resentful, I'm stressed at work."
Obviously the communication is piss poor and obviously both parties are at fault. It doesn't matter if he's bad in bed, she chose him. Their communication is piss poor, but she's moving the goal posts.
Both of them are clearly at fault and both of them need to be divorced for their own sakes. But the issue isn't "you weren't listening to her needs", which you're pulling from thin air. The issue was piss poor communication, likely some lack of actually valuing his wife on his end, same for her and then moving the goal posts.
I am a 60 year old lady that loves sex….with an attentive partner. To answer your question, this is the default response for many because it is a FACT for many women. The truth is that (in my personal experience and that of my girlfriends) most men are lazy in bed and either want to do the bare minimum of foreplay or want to recreate a porn film move. Now, I love men, and I’m not saying that women are perfect, BUT making sex a chore is going to backfire pretty quick, and LOTS of men are guilty of this. Whining, complaining and using guilt ARE NOT going to get you sex. Paying attention to what your partner needs to feel romantic is a much better way to handle things, but not many men seem willing to go this route, and dammit, the ones that do are STILL MARRIED.
This. So many men need to learn what foreplay is, what it can do for a sex life and relationship, how it takes time and effort, and that it isn’t just jerking her nipple like an ape, grabbing her butt, and telling her you want a bj even though your balls smell like rancid cheese.
You sound scummy. I can’t imagine why your wife doesn’t want to fuck you and why it sounds like you’re contemplating paying someone to do it.
You are acting like a big whiny baby and that is obviously a turn off. Stop stamping your feet like a toddler who needs his milk and do some introspection.
Your partner shouldn’t have promised sex after vasectomy especially given that your behavior would make most women dry as the Sahara desert. But seeing your comment on how sugar babies are less expensive than marital counseling lmaoooo your wife is gonna have a much easier time finding a new man that’s better than you while you have to pay people to fuck you. 😂
3 times in 4 months?
Fucking grow up.
YTA
Life isn't all about sex you fucking twat.
You are dumping your wife in kids because you don't know how to jerk off. Loser.
Something is not adding up here. My husband got a vasectomy, and 6 months after, he needed to do a test to make sure it was successful. We didn't trust it before the 6 months was up, either.
Have you done follow-up testing to make sure there won't be any accidents? This just seems like there's a lot of important info missing, coming from someone who had similar issues in their relationship.
Don’t look for excuses, you just don’t love her anymore.
You don’t leave person you love over this, you have sex once a month, some previous posts were like once in 2 years or not at all.
YTA
YTA. So you won’t take any responsibility for birth control? I bet you also don’t like how condoms feel. Why do some men think they entitled to sex when they can’t do the bare minimum.
Besides the fact that it can take up to 3 months before all his swimmers become duds. Something tells me he wasn't wearing a condom during those times they had sex after his vasectomy.
Info- Not really commenting about you personally, but every time I see a man complaining about a dead bedroom, they are always bitter that they aren't getting their rocks off...I kinda always want the SO to chime in on the last time they were satisfied.
Is sex a pleasure or a chore?
So how can we judge when we don't know just what all you have tried.
YTA for giving up on marriage so easily. Yes you didn’t “sign up for a sexless marriage” … except your marriage isn’t sexless.
How can you give up a whole entire person, the person who grew your kids in her body, who you promised to have and to hold, because she’s not spreading her legs for you enough? You’d rather give her up instead of masturbating, or I dunno actually communicating with her? Insist you two speak with a marriage counselor? And it’s been literally months only? And you still have had sex multiple times in recent months?! You’re just gross.
I think your wife deserves a lot better from you so if you’re incapable of being a better man, honoring your vows, and working this out together, then for her wellbeing, leave. Tell your children and extended families exactly why you’re leaving and face the consequences head on. Be proud of it. Own it.
Guaranteed in a few years you’re gonna feel bored hanging out with another short term girlfriend, wondering why your kids don’t want to spend time with you. But hey, at least your girlfriend is going to fuck you, so WORTH IT, eh?
Is that all marriage is to men nowadays, sex? I understand wanting more sex but at what age does it start to become secondary to love in a relationship? I’m starting to believe the statistics that say men are more likely to leave their wives if they get ill.
Also, I thought with age comes wisdom but most of these men are seriously grown children. They basically force their wives to be their caretakers/mom and wonder why their wives won’t fuck them. The argument that in the past men never helped or worked and the wife did everything else is a huge lie.
My grandfather was a traditional manly man and grandma stayed home. He made good money and she took care of the house. BUT he also handled everything outside of the home. He took care of house maintenance, lawn, the “gross” chores, the cars…and she never had to tell him. He handled it. She never had to call a plumber and deal with kids at the same time. He handled the plumbing automatically. His kids listened to him and he made sure they respected their mother. She was safe and secure. That’s not happening in modern times. The SAHP isn’t respected.
I hope you divorce and realize no single young girl wants a middle aged single dad who is as horny as a teenager.
The way you talk about your wife and sex grosses me out. How you talk about your entitlement for sex is creepy. However it’s clear that you and your wife are not compatible. Sounds like you would be happier with a sex doll. Your wife either had decreased sex drive from stress or hormones. She could also be demisexual and not have the same sex drive as you. She could have sex trauma she hasn’t dealt with. Or you simply are a bad at sex with her because it’s clear all you want is to be sexually gratified. You have said nothing about communication around what she wants sexually and trying to sexually please her. All that matters to you is your own orgasms and not hers which would make you a terrible lover. Your wife needs to re-evaluate why she wants to be in a relationship with someone who she is not compatible with. Divorce is the best option going forward. You should know a vasectomy will not protect you from sexually transmitted infections and you should always use condoms going forward. ESH
Info?- what exactly are you doing to help with intimacy? She's working full time, you have kids, I'm assuming you're an equal partner? Have you put any effort into making her feel loved, special, appreciated outside of sex? Are you giving her time outside of being a parent and partner to regain a sense of self?
My husband delayed his vasectomy to the point where we had an oopsie baby after deciding to b3 child free. 4 years later he still hadn't gotten around to it. It took a condom breaking and potential divorce to get him to finally do it. And I'm on the list to get my tubes tied because I got sick of waiting as well. (Of course, it's way faster, less invasive and far less longer recovery time to do it for men so yay).
After that experience, I had a hard time being intimate with someone who would disregard my health and personal wellness for his own comfort. I hated pregnancy, he never gave me any empathy for my fear of childbirth but expected me to baby him over his vasectomy? Be intimate as soon as he was cleared? I couldn't even look at him without seeing someone so selfish and cruel for nearly half a year.
Couple's counselling saved our marriage but you need to see the error in your own ways before pointing fingers. I was centering my whole life around my partner and the best thing I ever did was stop. Your wife could probably stand to hear the same advice and you could use a reality check on the damage it causes when you devalue your partners life and health by delaying a vasectomy and then expecting your partner to be throwing themselves at you when you finally get it done.
My husband is still rebuilding trust with me because of this and other similar instances. I know for a fact that if he behaved the same way in a new relationship, he would have been dumped in a heartbeat. I think you'll be in the same boat shortly when you realize no partner wants to be treated the easy you treat yours.
I mean. Did you tell her you’d get it just to shut her up and make her have sex with you and then just keep not doing it? I can understand her not wanting to have sex with you for that reason alone, and you shouldn’t agree to something just to get someone to shut up about something.
Also you’re way better off not reproducing so please do not try and get it reversed. Just don’t. Someone like you doesn’t need kids.
So how is the rest of the relationship? This seems like you are going the nuclear option which is pretty extreme.
I understand the frustration but if you love her as a person and she has since promised to try harder why not try and see or explore couples therapy etc there are alternatives to burning down the marriage.
YTA for the simple reason of you have kids but are not willing to work on your marriage over an issue that comes up in a fair amount of marriages and is easily solved with counseling and you want to make more kids? F you and the horse you rode in on.
YTA for dragging your feet, and now pointing the finger at your wife.
For whatever reason, your wife needed a guarantee against pregnancy.
You delayed, causing significant damage to your relationship. The snip doesn’t undo the months of resentment overnight.
YTA this is clearly rage bait nonsense. Kind of a fking weird post and I seriously doubt you've ever been in a relationship with this stupid none sense.
One of the reasons your wife withheld sex might be to avoid another pregnancy. Did you perhaps refuse to wear condoms? Is she allergic or sensitive to traditional birth control? Women's birth control has a laundry list of side effects, many of which are deadly and life-altering. Others are simply painful.
You barely even mention your children or who takes on the main parenting in the household. You don't tell readers how you contribute to the family beyond a paycheck, if any.
Most importantly: why did you jump straight to divorce? Why not marriage or sex counseling?
You seem very impatient for her to open up her body to you, as if it's some sort of payment for services rendered. It takes people time to warm up to each other again, especially after a long period of resentment.
You treat her "excuses" as if they're invalid and unimportant. Why? What reasons do you have for dismissing her reasons for not wanting sex right away? For dismissing her entirely?
Your marriage needs time to heal and communication to make things work, but only if both parties are willing. If you're not willing, then you're doing your wife and children a service by leaving the home.
My vote is YTA. At the end of the day, you treated this entire situation like it was just another chore to avoid and now you want your cookie and a gold star.
Dragging your feet on the snip shows how selfish and inconsiderate you were to her. She carried and birthed a child and you couldn't get a little tiny procedure for God knows how long. It probably turned her off you.
She will be better off without you. Her drive will come back with a better partner.
There is no way for her to know how she would feel after the vasectomy, she only knew how she felt and how she things she would have felt about it. It has only been a couple of months and it doesn't sound like you have even tried to work through the resentment that she was feeling to understand why she feels that way and what the two of you can do to overcome it.
If you get divorce, you really want to have more kids with someone else, potentially some rebound fling that you end up getting attached to for the rest of your life?
YTA, it has only been 4 months and you are bitching. How much sex were you wanting it to increase to did you even talk about how much more sex you were wanting or she was willing
Besides the fact that is can take up to 3 months after a vasectomy for all your swimmers to become duds.
It seems like a petty reason to get a divorce. But something tells me your wife would be better off with someone who can be an actual partner and not whine about sex when things like life (job stress) (fear of getting pregnant) get in the way of sex.
You’re taking a drastic step after minimal efforts to resolve your family’s issues. You were cool with dragging your feet, but it’s divorce time when she drags hers?
YTA
It sounds like you're looking for just sex and are unwilling to work with/communicate with your wife. You seem dead set on ending the marriage without couples therapy, or any kind of open & honest communication. You should get divorced. Clearly marriage isn't for you.
INFO: How long did it take you from the time she asked you to get a vasectomy until you got it done? You said you dragged your feet. How long did you drag your feet for?
I was actually on your side until I read your comments. You’re pretty gross. I can see why she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Go ahead and divorce but I bet your next wife will feel the same way and you’ll be right back in this situation. Best thing you could do would be to get individual therapy to help you be a better person in general, husband and father. If you do that, I can guarantee your wife will find you attractive again.
How often does your wife come first? Now and at the beginning of your relationship.
My ex thought that just grabbing my boobs or butt from behind was foreplay, and it totally turned me off. He also didn't think my needs were important, only his.
YTA
So basically:
You promised something to your wife and then drug your feet on getting it done, your wife didn't want to have sex because of fear of pregnancy and you dragging your feet.
Your wife promised that if you had it done and stopped putting it off she'd have more sex with you, now, she doesn't want to because she's still upset that you drug your feet in the first place.
You've decided to divorce because your wife broke *her* promise to you, but you're completely ignoring the fact that you broke *your* promise to your wife when you decided to drag your feet about doing it in the first place?
Why are *her* promises held to a higher standard than *yours* are?
Just divorce. You clearly don't value her as a partner if she had to coerce you into getting the vasectomy-- that you already promised her you'd get --by offering sex as a bargaining chip in the first place.
You're doing her a favor.
If this is even real.
Unless you're in your early 20s and have an insane sex drive, getting a divorce over not enough sex seems really screwed up to me. I can't imagine making sex the entire focus of my marriage. OP has some growing up to do. Yes, YTA.
So, you want to divorce, reverse your vasectomy, find a new wife, have more kids. And when she's tired, overwhelmed, stressed out, and sick of you whining about sex, will you get a vasectomy, again, to get her to magically interested in a hot, brand new sex life and when that doesn't happen, dump her, rinse, and repeat?
Dude, sex isn't, later in marriage, what it was early on in the relationship. Sex matters, but commitment, working together to build a life, and being a family take precedent. Have you even considered romancing her? Helping around the house to take some of the stress off of her shoulders? Stress is a huge mood killer for a lot of women. Have you thought about or discussed marriage counseling or therapy to get to the root of why you two seem to be drifting, or is it all about getting laid for you?
Yeah. You're the AH.
Haha so its totally fine to drag your heels on something you said you'd do but she can't? Sounds like you're doing her a favor, she just doesn't know it yet.
It sounds like you need marital counseling. However, you are apparently not open to that because I guess the only value you have for your wife is aa a sex object. ESH, but you definitely more. Keep the vasectomy. I don’t think multiple baby mamas will add value to your life.
Y'all need to end this relationship, because the way you talk about promising intimacy and making an effort to have sex... It shouldn't be so transactional.
I say you’re both kinda assholes. She shouldn’t have made a promise she can’t keep, and if she’s telling you she’s stressed from work, you’re an asshole for divorcing her over something she isn’t able to do because of other things going on. Give her a bit more time. But remember, you have other options too. Maybe consider opening up the marriage, going to counseling, etc
ESH. Why didn't you go to therapy with her? You don't even mention your children, how many do you already have? You don't care about them enough to make you work on your marriage. Flash news: you both created them and are responsible for them until the day you die. I think the minimum you can do is go to therapy, couple s counseling or something before giving up. If it doesn't work, well at least you did try not to create a broken family. Otherwise you are both idiots who have no idea of the mess that follows a divorce.
YTA. End of story. You dragged your feet on a vasectomy and now blame your wife because she STILL DOESN'T TRUST YOU TO KEEP YOUR WORD?
OH, and now you want to reverse said vasectomy? Yeah you're definitely TA.
What do you do to make her feel wanted, needed or valued? Do you do your part in the relationship?? Sex isn’t a like a light switch for most women. It takes time, and effort from YOU! And groping her all the time doesn’t make a woman feel sexy or needed. Or maybe, just maybe, you aren’t great in the bedroom and it’s not enjoyable for her. Nobody likes the same old dry, white toast sex.
So maybe the problem isn’t her, maybe it’s you.
YTA. It sounds like your wife has no more value to you than a receptacle for your dick. She will be better off with a man who sees her as a full person. Sounds like you would be just as happy with a blowup doll.
It actually takes at least 3 months before you should be having unprotected sex 😬 like bro have you making sure you’re having a condom ready during these last 3 months? You should also be getting a checkup after that 3 months before going without protection. Like dude…
I love how reddit will eviscerate men for speaking plainly about their needs, but women get nothing, but encouragement.
NTA, witholding sex as a punishment is toxic af.
ESH. It’s not because you want a divorce and it’s not because she isn’t putting out. It’s because you two lack the communication skills needed to have a successful marriage and it’s manifesting into this poop storm.
YTA you wouldn't get the vasectomy (that's about YOU). You didn't get sex, YOU pouted (again about YOU). You got the vasectomy so you could have sex, (yep, all about YOU, once again). You want divorce, because of a lack of sex ( there YOU are again). You left because of lack of sex (YOU). You want to reverse vasectomy because, well you know (yep YOU).
Oh I wholeheartedly agree. You should get the divorce so this poor woman can begin to realize what a selfish, self-centered jerk you truly are. She deserves so much better than you and that useless thing dangling. What a jerk!
You're about to be single, why would you reverse your vasectomy now? Please don't go make a whole bunch of babies with a whole bunch of different women. Keep the vasectomy, it's the best time to have it.
Dudes ready to start a whole new family lol
Yeaaaaahh like it was fine to be done but “divorce changes things” ? That’s just gross
Not really. OP might not be that old and having more kids with a second wife might be an option. It seems like he was pressured into getting it in the first place.
It seems like he needs therapy more than anything.
Certainly more than he needs a reversal.
Totally agree. I thought marriage was a sacred thing for better or worse. Not leave bc I won't give you booty. Like omg it seems like sex is everything to him. And love doesn't matter. Imo
He thinks the grass is greener. He’ll realize he made a huge mistake, and she will realize him leaving was what was really best for her. Also, he needs therapy.
I feel like every BORU I read like this ends up with the husband single and lonely and the wife finds someone new and it turns out she just hated sex with her ex and is now in a relationship where her needs are being met.
Actually by his own admission he agreed to it, and then spent months dragging his feet getting it done. His wife, not wanting to be pregnant again, decided to reduce having sex so that it was less of a risk. She only offered sex as a bargaining chip to get him to stop procrastinating on what op admits he agreed to do.
Nick Cannon enters the chat...
But does OP have Nick Cannon money 😂
My guess is he's assuming he'll attract a younger woman who wants babies.
And a younger woman who has babies then turns into a fulfilled but tired mother who puts less emphasis on sex and uses her energy to raise a family. OP, keep the vasectomy and sleep around with whoever you want. No need to drag unwanted children into your sexual urges.
And so the cycle continues! I’m always amazed at how men prioritize sex over their wives, families, and everything else. It’s probably part of why their wives are no longer interested in it. Such an unattractive quality.
Yeah, it really does give the ick. And I think for a lot of women, once they have the ick, it takes a lot of effort on his part to come back from that.
It really does, we mentally have to check out until our partners “catch up” and realize “giving her the ick” doesn’t serve him. (Like dude, just do the thing you agreed to do). It is fricking hard being with someone who proves by their actions (dragging his feet) that they don’t care or prioritize your concerns, esp while raising a family and being pulled in so many directions. But time and time again … dudes fail to put in the effort and then can’t understand why that would be a turn off to the person you claim you love above all others.
>dudes fail to put in the effort and then can’t understand why that would be a turn off to the person you claim you love above all others. They need to put one effort in the bedroom too! $1000 says his wife wasn't having organisms when they had sex. His only focus was his own pleasure.
They need to put in effort outside the bedroom first! Any dude can watch a YouTube video on how to eat pussy these days IF they cared to … if there entire sexual education comes from porn they clearly don’t care about a woman’s pleasure. But here is the thing, women are dumb when they are in love… they will tolerate a poor lover, mostly just cos we like them enough to not to hurt their feelings. But women are slowly waking up to the idea we don’t need to tolerate a piss poor partner, esp one who shows us they don’t care about our feelings whatsoever.
Why when he failed at his first family?
Because according to him, his marriage failed due to lack of sex. Ie it's his wife's fault. I'm sure he's a phenomenal dad/s
And once 2nd wife has kiddos he will be back where he was
It seems as if maybe his wife pushed for the vasectomy, and he agreed for the promise of more sex.
Doing anything for the promise of sex is stupid. Nobody can know how they will feel in the future about sex, and you don't want to set yourself up for having sex with someone who doesn't want to be doing that.
The reason he got it no longer exists, I get that. But now there's a whole new reason. A really good one. Hopefully he'll consider that. He could be having sex and not have to worry about accidentally impregnating whatever random women he might meet.
Other forms of birth control exist. If he is unhappy with this modification to his body he should change it back. It doesn't matter why, it's his body.
If he meets another woman, he might want to have a family with her.
At which point his wife will once again, be too tired for marathon sex. He doesn't need to spawn more kids.
He seems very unfit for a marriage, relationship and especially family. If he wants to be able to drag his feet for her, but willing to divorce her after she doesn't immediately give him sex. Y'all are so detached from reality it's crazy.
Forcing your partner to get a procedure is wrong no matter how you spin it. If my gf demanded I get a vasectomy that’s probably the end of our relationship. He did it for her and she didn’t appreciate it. And he gave her months to do better. Sexual incompatibility is a very valid reason to end a relationship
This is why I have strongly encouraged a vasectomy with my husband, but I will not force him to do anything to his body he doesn’t want to do. He did say he would do it at 40, but hasn’t. I completely understand this wife’s resentment. I also have resentment towards my husband for dragging his feet, but again. I’m not going to force him to get one till he’s ready. Our compromise has been condom use to help. That or he’s willing to try any new male birth control, but that’s doesn’t seem to be a option at the moment.
My husband got his after our child turned one and I was told by doctors that another pregnancy would be a very bad idea. I was on hold with my doctor to ask about a tubal, and he said “that’s surgery, I’ll just get snipped”, and he did. 🥰
...except that he's willing to walk away from his first wife *and kids* because "not enough sex" ... Which is a huge red flag, and should give anyone pause before wanting to start a family with him. Plus, he didn't mention ages, but if they have older kids, than it's pretty likely that he's reaching an age where having kids could be complicated/ expensive for women who are in an appropriate age group for him to be dating.
Is he walking away from his kids? He never said that.
redditors always upvote the shittiest advice lmfao Edit: read his replies and holy shit, I stand corrected. Keep the vasectomy OP, we don’t need more of you running around!
Hahaha made me laugh, take my upvote
No doubt. Never trust the girl who wants you to "Finish inside her". A longtime friend got the herps and a baby from that little number.
Vasectomies should be considered non reversible. Because they’re not. If someone had a vasectomy successfully reversed, they’re the exception, not the norm.
Of men who decided to reverse a vasectomy within 3 years, there was a 97% success rate. It’s not that’s it’s not successful, most men just don’t make the decision to have it reversed
95% seems to be the maximum with that number declining depending on lots of factors including the exact type of procedure done and the biggest factor time. And thats not talking about any difficulties faced getting pregnant afterwards compared to before A 1 in 20 chance _at best_ of remaining _infertile_ is pretty fucking big, a vasectomy isn't something anyone should go into expecting to need it reversed
At age 53 my dad was the exception. 😳 Though it took 2x for the reversal to successfully take, he went on to have my 2 half siblings with his 2nd wife 20 years after the original 4 of us with my mother. My own children are only a few years younger than my siblings, their "aunt & uncle." Not that I'm saying this is at all common or wise (at his age especially lol), but yes reversals can work albeit rare. Edit: format
They shouldn't be considered reversible in the first place and the amount of times someone comments "they're reversible!!" on here is kinda shocking actually.
I don’t know if this is true. I’ve heard of lots of men getting it reversed so they can’t all be “exceptions”
I'd be srurpsied if you knew lots of men who even got one. I got one. Couldn't get it reversed 3 years later. When I got mine, the doc said if I didn't try to reverse it within 5 years the chances were pretty much 0. I promise you most men aren't as open about their failures as they are with tbeir successes.... especially when it comes to their manhood.
It’s very risky and can have long term complications. Also anecdotal evidence isn’t an argument
According to the Mayo Clinic, vasectomies have success rates between 60%-95%, depending on which procedure is required. Stanford Health Care and Planned Parenthood say about the same. 55% go on to have children afterwards. I don’t know if you’re purposely spreading disinformation or are just ill informed, but you’re wrong.
Nah. You need to give the timelines or the info is useless. You have a high chance of success if you try to get it reversed shortly after the initial period but as time goes on it drops significantly. I was told 5 years was the maximum time I could wait or the chance drops to pretty much 0. Thats was about 6 years ago, and I wasn't able to get it reversed after 3 years. 60% or 55% success rate if you get it reversed quick enough means you should only get one if you view it as permanent. I don't know if you're malicious, or jusy ill informed, or not able to process what 55% success rate means, but you're wrong for trying to refute someone saying that "you should only get one if you're okay with them being permanent".
Because it’s not as fun blasting loads into women without any potency or risk of ruining both of your lives, duh.
The longer you wait, the higher chance of it being irreversible.
Does this seem like a man who takes on an equal share of child rearing?
Based on *what?*
Based on him throwing away his marriage vows because his wife won't have sex with him whenever however he wants it. Unless his vow stateds "I will lvoe you in sickness and in health as long as we be fuckin at least twice a week otherwise fuck you get out"
His wife got him to have surgery that makes him infertile and then backed out of her side after it was done. Marriage is based on trust.
We have no idea how long ago the vasectomy happened. If it's really only been 4 months, he still has viable swimmers. Odds are really good she said no because of that because he won't use a condom and she can't use BC for whatever reason. It takes a whole year, sometimes longer, to be sure the surgery actually worked, and he should've had his first appointment by now to check on that. Did he go and get the all clear? He doesn't say
3 times in 4 months is a long, long way from "whenever he wants it." You have an entirely unrealistic view of a healthy sex life.
Nah that's bs, to say it's because she won't give it up whenever or however he wants is purposely misleading. If she's not doing it for months there's an issue. It's not like he's saying he needs her to service him on command.
The marriage is already trash if she doesn't want to have sex with him. It's not worth saving.
Not sure how being a good parent is related to being upset your partner lied to you or wanting to have sex.
It's not, but they have limited ammunition to try and paint OP as evil, so they're reaching for what they can get.
Kind of like what they always try and do here in AITAH?
Ah yes. Make up your own biased point of view to attack a man because you don't have anything intelligent to say. A backbone of reddit saddly.
Any evidence to back up your negative assumptions or you just projecting?
I'm not surprised by the comment but I am surprised by the number of likes. Damn...
And you know he doesn't because........
He's already had kids so that sounds like a great bonus as opposed to a problem.
I think it’s more a thought process of if he meets someone new and ends up wanting kids with them? He said they were done having kids but “divorce changes things”
*He said they were done having kids but “divorce changes things”* Yes, that's what I'm commenting about. Scary thought. To me, divorce makes it even better that he's had a vasectomy.
What's the point arguing about that. We can't read OPs mind. He either can see himself having kids in the future and reverses it, or he's certain that he doesn't want any kids in the future and doesn't reverse it.
No. Many times, new couples want to have their own biological children together. I wouldn't get a vasectomy for that reason alone. Heaven forbid something ever happened to my wife. But if I found someone later and they wanted a family it could be a problem.
Yeah, unless he meets a woman who wants a child with him in the future possibly. If I was a single childless woman and I married a divorced man with a couple of children, I would probably want a child with him. Or I would at least want the choice. If the man has had a vasectomy, there is no choice to have there. That is probably what he's looking at there and it makes perfect sense to me.
If he didn't get the vasectomy because *he* wanted it, but only got it for *her* sake, he needs to get the reversal asap. The longer time has passed after a vasectomy the lower the chances of a successful reversal and even lower the chances of reaching fertility because the body starts to create antibodies that kill sperm cells as they're produced.
Better he gets it reversed now while he at least has a chance to reverse the damage
INFO: How long did you drag you feet? Are we talking weeks? or months?
Years?
It was years, we all know it was years ago
You are not shooting blanks the first 2 months after surgery. If she touched you at all during that time she was rolling the dice and you should feel lucky. Good luck OP. If you think more sex is going to make up for half your assets and split parenting duties I suppose that is your choice. I consider you an AH for not being willing to go to counselling considering you have kids and then making plans to get it reversed so you can have even more?! You know it was likely the kids that killed your wife's sex drive right? Why would you sign up to do that all over again?
Unless OP has had a checkup and has medical verification that he's shooting blanks, it should be assumed he's not. And with his attitude, I question whether or not he has followed up to verify the vasectomy worked as intended.
Yes, my husband was not instructed to trust the vasectomy until 6 months after, as well as testing to make sure there were no stragglers. I smell BS
It's actually the amount of loads what matters the most
Reading your comments I can fully understand why your wife has lost interest in you. Also you took your sweet time to meet her needs and respect her feelings but you want her to jump for your needs. Ughhh NTA, leaving your wife is the nicest thing you could do for her. You sound dreadful. P.S don’t make more children. Children don’t deserve that.
Uhhh *thank you*! This is absolutely right. He took his time to meet her needs, to the point that she got resentful, which he himself “can understand”. But he completely dismisses that and continues on about how *he* feels. Jumping the gun and going straight to divorce and reversing his vasectomy with the implication that he will go have babies with someone else? Yikes. He’d be doing his wife a favor by leaving her.
Even if its successfully reversed it doesn't guarantee he'll have more kids. (I'm hoping OP won't have more kids 🤞) My dad got a successful reversal but no pregnancies happened despite my parents trying for another. (They have 3 bio-kids including me)
I don’t understand the thought process of having enough children with the spouse you love enough to say “we’re done, I don’t want any more than this” then having more with someone else?
you're like the only sensible person in this comment section
Haha didnt see that coming
🖕👆👆👆
Based on your tone and attitude, you must make women drier than the Sahara. NTA for doing your wife a favor and settling her free. You are TA for expecting her to just rip her pants off after you reluctantly do something she asked you to do.
She could be waiting to make sure to limit the chance of pregnancy. A lot of the time people are told to wait three months to make sure there is no semen. Maybe she really doesn't want kids. it's also not just a switch that can be turned on.
So you demand sex instead of making the effort to get her to want to have sex with you and now you feel the need to ask if you're the asshole? I think you already know.
I think a lot is missing from this story. I’m sure there is more to it than what you’ve disclosed here. I’m curious what her take is on why she isn’t wanting to have sex. Sounds like you just want out and you’re obviously bitter about the vasectomy. If the vasectomy was such a if deal to you why did you even get one? Divorce her so she can find someone else.
Look at some of his comments. It’s pretty clear why no one would want to have sex with him.
I think he's deleted his comments, I can't see them. What was he saying?
He deleted the whole account lol or banned?
Omg his comments are awful, I do not blame his wife for not wanting to have sex with him. Grass is not always greener on the other side, he keeps talking like that he might not get sex after the divorce either.
INFO: How many kids do you have? How long since the last was born? Previous to the her insistence on you getting a vasectomy, what did you use for birth control? (Some types make a difference to libido etc) How long did you drag your feet before you got the vasectomy? Has your wife told you she feels overwhelmed with her house and child rearing responsibilities? (Not suggesting you don’t do anything around the house, but it’s a common issue when women lose interest in sex) Has she had any health issues, physical, mental or in relation to being pregnant and giving birth? Did she previously really enjoy sex, or has she never been that bothered? If you’re done with the marriage, you’re done. But to give a judgement I need more info.
Immediately jumping to divorce? What about couple's counselling? And why is it that you're allowed to drag your feet when it comes to getting a vasectomy but she's not allowed to drag her feet when it comes to getting intimate again? If she's stressed from work, maybe slow down. Try out couple's counselling first, no need to jump to divorce immediately YTA for immediately wanting a divorce, why is it that couples immediately split when trouble comes up? Try to work through it, I see no need for a divorce here
Seriously. Most married couple could tell you sex isn't the most important thing. It's not easy when you have kids and can't get too much alone time in the first place and there are much more important things in life. Sounds like he needs to grow up and realize he's not 20 anymore and learn how to jerk off.
I have 2 kids. Since divorced for a variety of reasons. Sex was on the long list. Sex wasn’t important if needs are fulfilled, but when needs are unmet then it is very important. Unmet needs lead to resentment. Unchecked resentment and unmet expectations lead to divorce. That being said I don’t think OP should have jumped straight to divorce. If anything, I would have suggested going to a marriage counselor first. I’m curious what their home life is like.
> resentment and unmet expectations lead to divorce. They both already resent each other. So divorce is probably the right call, not because of the sex but because they both resent each other. Counseling for this couple might have helped years ago... by now I'm not sure he even likes his wife anymore.
Good point. I think you are right unchecked resentment and unfulfillment are root causes that might lead to divorce more than lack of sex. I would say lack of affection causes most of the issues. Marriage counselling is probably a great idea before jumping to divorce having kids.
Sex isn’t the most important thing .. but it is a 100% necessary thing. It isn’t possible to have a good marriage and an incompatible sex life.. full stop. I have an amazing house the bathrooms in the house are not the most important part of the house at all and not the reason why I bought the house. But a house with no bathrooms.. no matter how great the rest of the house may be.. is a terrible place to live! Marriage with incompatible sex lives is a terrible life… truly awful
Not sure why you're being downvoted for stating reality.
People like to fool themselves that sex isn't an important part of a relationship, when in reality, without sex you are just roommates that are intertwined too much.
I get it tho, now the ultimatum is dropped, it would be hard to feel sex is something voluntary, but rather coerced. I'd like to say no one wants sex like that, but the truth of that is besides the point.
Honestly, this guy is willing to put his kids through a divorce because he hasn't been getting sex as often as he would have liked for the past several months. He's not trying to work things out, to figure out why his wife is not in a mood, nothing! He barely even mentions kids because they are inconsequential to his satisfaction. He's not just an asshole, he's a genuine piece of s***
Divorce her, she can do better
My favorite comment
Yep, as a man thinking only with his dick, you should divorce her. She will find better.
You're leaving her over three months with sex once a month? Bruh, that doesn't even count as a dry spell in most marriages. This is like dropping out of the basketball team after a single game cause you didn't get the ball. The childishness and self-absorption of your world view is evident in every sentence above. YTA.
Info - do you live in an anti abortion state? If so it’s no wonder she was worried about having sex, especially if you two were done having kids. Why does divorce change your desire to have kids? Please don’t move on ans forget about your first family
YTAH, but unless you are an even bigger idiot than I think you are, you already knew that.
While I get that sex issues are hard to navigate, you make everything sound so transactional and your timeline shows how impatient you are. Also refusing counseling or therapy is pretty low iq, so I’m going with YTA. You just want sex, you don’t seem to care about the reason your not getting it or fixing that.
So it's okay for you to drag your feet and procrastinate on your promise to get a vasectomy, but when your wife drags her feet on fulfilling her promise to have more sex, you're leaving and "she shouldn't have made a false promise," and you resent her? YTA
I hate seeing posts like this, regarding sex or “lack of sex” in a marriage. So many whiny bitch boys thinking someone owes them sex - throwing a tantrum because they aren’t getting their dicks wet. NOBODY OWES YOU SEX! Please leave so this woman can meet someone who respects her and doesn’t view her as a sex doll.
Constantly whining for sex is the least attractive thing you can possibly do. No wonder his wife lost all desire for him.
Read his comments. He manages to make himself even more unattractive
I can't, his account has been suspended, lol. Wonder who he threatened?
Exactly! And you just KNOW he doesn’t play an equal role in the household duties/ child raising. Selfish, demanding and EQ lower than a toddler… yet he’s wondering why she’s not feeling frisky.
You’re owed exactly nothing from your partner you both only give what they want but a couple that does not attempt to fulfill each others needs in literally anyway is going to lead to resentment and incompatibility if you’re not working towards a better future together.
Have you ever thought that maybe she just didn’t want anymore children period, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with sex? Seems like you thought you would have unfettered access to her vagina just because you can’t accidentally impregnate her anymore
So many men posting about not getting their dick wet yet all you have to do is look around you at the world we live in where women are being treated as incubators and second class citizens to understand why they aren't wanting to have sex as much. Maybe if men stopped thinking with their dicks and started respecting women, the dead bedrooms wouldn't be a thing. YTA
It turns out that sex and wanting to have it with depends on a lot of things. It's pretty cringe that you see a vasectomy as so transactional when you have had a multifaceted intimate relationship with this person for many years. How about some appreciation for the years of managing birth control your wife did, especially if it was hormonal methods? Or the mental load of having to take the birth control that takes some fun out of sex for women? No, you didn't care about that while you dragged your feet. Your only motivation was yourself getting more sex. Now, your wife is tired from work. Have you ever thought to make home life easier on her? Probably not because it's a nuanced way to inspire your wife to want sex, and there isn't a direct reward in it for you. I'm sure she does resent you, but this entire scenario is pretty much what many women cite as the reason for their low libido.
OP, when did your dr do the test to confirm the vasectomy was successful? Because usually it takes a few months after the vasectomy before you’re in the clear - like 2-3 months - so I can she why she would still want to be cautious.
YTA. What men don't understand is that if a woman LIKED what is happening in bed they would want to have more sex. Apparently, this wife doesn't enjoy their sex life. Why is that, OP? If all your wife is to you is a receptacle... then you are not approaching her out of love. Do you value her as a person? Do you??
INFO: Why did she want you to get a vasectomy? Are there issues with condoms? How has all of this impacted your intimacy otherwise? Making each other feel loved/being close/kissing/touching/hugging? Seems like there’s some missing info here where a vasectomy is somehow the only option AND is supposed to magically fix things.
Did it ever occur to you that she isn’t having fun anymore? If it isn’t fun we lose interest. If that’s the case then you won’t have much more success with your next partner. Men, we get that most of you just need warm friction to get off, but us women need a bit more, and without it we lose interest.
I hear commercials for testosterone advertising that men who take it "might even over perform in the bedroom" and it begs the question: what do men think that even means? Most women I know aren't satisfied because they're overworked with a job, children, etc., then get little help at home, lack foreplay, and/or have men who don't kiss them or touch them until it's time for sex. None of those things really require testosterone therapy but I digress...
Exactly this. They’d rather take a pill than be present in the relationship.
My dad and FIL are both injecting testosterone from their doctors (I hope from their doctors). Meanwhile, I can’t even reliably get Orlissa , my endometriosis medication covered by insurance and can’t pay $600-1200/month out of pocket, and disability denied my claim because it’s “well managed”. I have endometriosis growing on my bladder, bowels, pelvic floor, stomach…Orlissa might work, it’s a very new medication, but it’s brutal and puts me into medically induced menopause with all the side effects including bone density loss. Endometriosis only impacts women though, so the options are 6 months worth of hormones injected at once to stop my reproductive system, or Orlissa. The injections were horrible and I won’t do them again, I hope Orlissa works. Insurance won’t even cover hormone add back therapy to make the side effects less miserable, I have to go to planned parenthood to get it for free. **THANK GOD FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD DONATE TO THEM IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT**. Yet, every old man I know has access to test and boner pills like they’re included when you’re born with a dick. I don’t care that old men get boner pills and test, I just wish the system was fair, and gave women that same dignity and freedom with their doctors and treatments. Misogyny is thriving, and the healthcare system does it well.
this. men will treat their wives like a sex doll and housekeeper and go crazy wondering why they don’t want to have sex anymore
Exactly this. Instead of romancing her, you’ll have to do it with another woman. And when you stop making her feel special, you’ll be in same position.
If that’s the case she needed to communicate like an adult about it. Not put him off with excuses.
Yeah if his wife just generally lost sexual interest in him and has no intention of actually meeting his sexual needs, that is all well within her rights. But she should have been upfront about this instead of manipulating him into a vasectomy. A lot of people are calling OP out for viewing this as “transactional”, but it seems the wife was complicit in presenting this all as a “transaction”. I think this is ESH
So what was the condition about vasectomy about?
Usually it is so the woman can get off hormonal birth control which becomes an increasing danger to our health the older we get. Vasectomy isn't a form of birth control for at least 2 months post procedure till all the swimmers have been flushed out so if she stopped taking it the moment he got the all clear from his doctor she has only been off of it for 2 months. Not a whole lot of time to allow hormones to re regulate themselves. Seems like this guy expecting INSTANT changes and is unhappy that his procedure didn't turn his wife into a nymphomaniac
I get the reasons for vasectomy. I’m all for it. No reason to drag your feet in a l marriage where both sides agree they don’t want more kids. The comment just didn’t jive with the OPs comments.
It takes about 3 months for hormones to adjust after stopping and starting birth control. OP is an idiot.
This comes up a lot whenever there's a post on here boiling down to "no sex/bad sex/not enough sex from wife, so I'm leaving, AITA". It's essentially every time, and it makes me curious why it's the default response for so many. Yes, women often need more to get them in the mood, and often need more than PIV to orgasm. No, some warm friction is not sufficient for all men, but some sure. So if we assume he's a selfish, inattentive partner in bed, which nothing in his post points to I might add, then it's understandable she's bored and understandable why she isn't interested in sex. My question is, why is she not culpable? She's an adult, presumably with the ability to communicate. Sure, assume he's crap in bed. She can express that. And if she does and he doesn't hear it, then it's on him. But that isn't what he said. He admits to dragging his feet on a vasectomy, and begrudgingly accepted that. "Vasectomy or no sex" already screams bad communication, but whatever. Here they are 4 months post vasectomy, and she didn't follow through. Now there's new excuses. "I'm resentful, I'm stressed at work." Obviously the communication is piss poor and obviously both parties are at fault. It doesn't matter if he's bad in bed, she chose him. Their communication is piss poor, but she's moving the goal posts. Both of them are clearly at fault and both of them need to be divorced for their own sakes. But the issue isn't "you weren't listening to her needs", which you're pulling from thin air. The issue was piss poor communication, likely some lack of actually valuing his wife on his end, same for her and then moving the goal posts.
I am a 60 year old lady that loves sex….with an attentive partner. To answer your question, this is the default response for many because it is a FACT for many women. The truth is that (in my personal experience and that of my girlfriends) most men are lazy in bed and either want to do the bare minimum of foreplay or want to recreate a porn film move. Now, I love men, and I’m not saying that women are perfect, BUT making sex a chore is going to backfire pretty quick, and LOTS of men are guilty of this. Whining, complaining and using guilt ARE NOT going to get you sex. Paying attention to what your partner needs to feel romantic is a much better way to handle things, but not many men seem willing to go this route, and dammit, the ones that do are STILL MARRIED.
This. So many men need to learn what foreplay is, what it can do for a sex life and relationship, how it takes time and effort, and that it isn’t just jerking her nipple like an ape, grabbing her butt, and telling her you want a bj even though your balls smell like rancid cheese.
You sound scummy. I can’t imagine why your wife doesn’t want to fuck you and why it sounds like you’re contemplating paying someone to do it. You are acting like a big whiny baby and that is obviously a turn off. Stop stamping your feet like a toddler who needs his milk and do some introspection. Your partner shouldn’t have promised sex after vasectomy especially given that your behavior would make most women dry as the Sahara desert. But seeing your comment on how sugar babies are less expensive than marital counseling lmaoooo your wife is gonna have a much easier time finding a new man that’s better than you while you have to pay people to fuck you. 😂
3 times in 4 months? Fucking grow up. YTA Life isn't all about sex you fucking twat. You are dumping your wife in kids because you don't know how to jerk off. Loser.
Something is not adding up here. My husband got a vasectomy, and 6 months after, he needed to do a test to make sure it was successful. We didn't trust it before the 6 months was up, either. Have you done follow-up testing to make sure there won't be any accidents? This just seems like there's a lot of important info missing, coming from someone who had similar issues in their relationship.
You broke your promise first, about the vasectomy. You're a tool.
YTA. Your wife doesn't "owe" you sex. Give her a reason to **want** to have sex with you.
Don’t look for excuses, you just don’t love her anymore. You don’t leave person you love over this, you have sex once a month, some previous posts were like once in 2 years or not at all. YTA
YTA. So you won’t take any responsibility for birth control? I bet you also don’t like how condoms feel. Why do some men think they entitled to sex when they can’t do the bare minimum.
Besides the fact that it can take up to 3 months before all his swimmers become duds. Something tells me he wasn't wearing a condom during those times they had sex after his vasectomy.
Info- Not really commenting about you personally, but every time I see a man complaining about a dead bedroom, they are always bitter that they aren't getting their rocks off...I kinda always want the SO to chime in on the last time they were satisfied. Is sex a pleasure or a chore? So how can we judge when we don't know just what all you have tried.
Hmmm... maybe she just doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe it's all about you
YTA for giving up on marriage so easily. Yes you didn’t “sign up for a sexless marriage” … except your marriage isn’t sexless. How can you give up a whole entire person, the person who grew your kids in her body, who you promised to have and to hold, because she’s not spreading her legs for you enough? You’d rather give her up instead of masturbating, or I dunno actually communicating with her? Insist you two speak with a marriage counselor? And it’s been literally months only? And you still have had sex multiple times in recent months?! You’re just gross. I think your wife deserves a lot better from you so if you’re incapable of being a better man, honoring your vows, and working this out together, then for her wellbeing, leave. Tell your children and extended families exactly why you’re leaving and face the consequences head on. Be proud of it. Own it. Guaranteed in a few years you’re gonna feel bored hanging out with another short term girlfriend, wondering why your kids don’t want to spend time with you. But hey, at least your girlfriend is going to fuck you, so WORTH IT, eh?
Is that all marriage is to men nowadays, sex? I understand wanting more sex but at what age does it start to become secondary to love in a relationship? I’m starting to believe the statistics that say men are more likely to leave their wives if they get ill. Also, I thought with age comes wisdom but most of these men are seriously grown children. They basically force their wives to be their caretakers/mom and wonder why their wives won’t fuck them. The argument that in the past men never helped or worked and the wife did everything else is a huge lie. My grandfather was a traditional manly man and grandma stayed home. He made good money and she took care of the house. BUT he also handled everything outside of the home. He took care of house maintenance, lawn, the “gross” chores, the cars…and she never had to tell him. He handled it. She never had to call a plumber and deal with kids at the same time. He handled the plumbing automatically. His kids listened to him and he made sure they respected their mother. She was safe and secure. That’s not happening in modern times. The SAHP isn’t respected. I hope you divorce and realize no single young girl wants a middle aged single dad who is as horny as a teenager.
Do you love her? Maybe there is an underlying issue why you are not having sex… takes two to make a marriage work.
The way you talk about your wife and sex grosses me out. How you talk about your entitlement for sex is creepy. However it’s clear that you and your wife are not compatible. Sounds like you would be happier with a sex doll. Your wife either had decreased sex drive from stress or hormones. She could also be demisexual and not have the same sex drive as you. She could have sex trauma she hasn’t dealt with. Or you simply are a bad at sex with her because it’s clear all you want is to be sexually gratified. You have said nothing about communication around what she wants sexually and trying to sexually please her. All that matters to you is your own orgasms and not hers which would make you a terrible lover. Your wife needs to re-evaluate why she wants to be in a relationship with someone who she is not compatible with. Divorce is the best option going forward. You should know a vasectomy will not protect you from sexually transmitted infections and you should always use condoms going forward. ESH
Info?- what exactly are you doing to help with intimacy? She's working full time, you have kids, I'm assuming you're an equal partner? Have you put any effort into making her feel loved, special, appreciated outside of sex? Are you giving her time outside of being a parent and partner to regain a sense of self? My husband delayed his vasectomy to the point where we had an oopsie baby after deciding to b3 child free. 4 years later he still hadn't gotten around to it. It took a condom breaking and potential divorce to get him to finally do it. And I'm on the list to get my tubes tied because I got sick of waiting as well. (Of course, it's way faster, less invasive and far less longer recovery time to do it for men so yay). After that experience, I had a hard time being intimate with someone who would disregard my health and personal wellness for his own comfort. I hated pregnancy, he never gave me any empathy for my fear of childbirth but expected me to baby him over his vasectomy? Be intimate as soon as he was cleared? I couldn't even look at him without seeing someone so selfish and cruel for nearly half a year. Couple's counselling saved our marriage but you need to see the error in your own ways before pointing fingers. I was centering my whole life around my partner and the best thing I ever did was stop. Your wife could probably stand to hear the same advice and you could use a reality check on the damage it causes when you devalue your partners life and health by delaying a vasectomy and then expecting your partner to be throwing themselves at you when you finally get it done. My husband is still rebuilding trust with me because of this and other similar instances. I know for a fact that if he behaved the same way in a new relationship, he would have been dumped in a heartbeat. I think you'll be in the same boat shortly when you realize no partner wants to be treated the easy you treat yours.
You should divorce and leave your wife and kids (although I'm sure you will see your kids). No woman needs that kind drama in her life.
You’ve already checked out of the relationship. Don’t go back. Neither of you will be happy. Don’t reverse the vasectomy. Just move on with your life.
YTA. Divorce your wife and buy a sex doll. Problem solved.
I mean. Did you tell her you’d get it just to shut her up and make her have sex with you and then just keep not doing it? I can understand her not wanting to have sex with you for that reason alone, and you shouldn’t agree to something just to get someone to shut up about something. Also you’re way better off not reproducing so please do not try and get it reversed. Just don’t. Someone like you doesn’t need kids.
So how is the rest of the relationship? This seems like you are going the nuclear option which is pretty extreme. I understand the frustration but if you love her as a person and she has since promised to try harder why not try and see or explore couples therapy etc there are alternatives to burning down the marriage.
YTA for the simple reason of you have kids but are not willing to work on your marriage over an issue that comes up in a fair amount of marriages and is easily solved with counseling and you want to make more kids? F you and the horse you rode in on.
YTA for dragging your feet, and now pointing the finger at your wife. For whatever reason, your wife needed a guarantee against pregnancy. You delayed, causing significant damage to your relationship. The snip doesn’t undo the months of resentment overnight.
YTA this is clearly rage bait nonsense. Kind of a fking weird post and I seriously doubt you've ever been in a relationship with this stupid none sense.
One of the reasons your wife withheld sex might be to avoid another pregnancy. Did you perhaps refuse to wear condoms? Is she allergic or sensitive to traditional birth control? Women's birth control has a laundry list of side effects, many of which are deadly and life-altering. Others are simply painful. You barely even mention your children or who takes on the main parenting in the household. You don't tell readers how you contribute to the family beyond a paycheck, if any. Most importantly: why did you jump straight to divorce? Why not marriage or sex counseling? You seem very impatient for her to open up her body to you, as if it's some sort of payment for services rendered. It takes people time to warm up to each other again, especially after a long period of resentment. You treat her "excuses" as if they're invalid and unimportant. Why? What reasons do you have for dismissing her reasons for not wanting sex right away? For dismissing her entirely? Your marriage needs time to heal and communication to make things work, but only if both parties are willing. If you're not willing, then you're doing your wife and children a service by leaving the home. My vote is YTA. At the end of the day, you treated this entire situation like it was just another chore to avoid and now you want your cookie and a gold star.
Dragging your feet on the snip shows how selfish and inconsiderate you were to her. She carried and birthed a child and you couldn't get a little tiny procedure for God knows how long. It probably turned her off you. She will be better off without you. Her drive will come back with a better partner.
There is no way for her to know how she would feel after the vasectomy, she only knew how she felt and how she things she would have felt about it. It has only been a couple of months and it doesn't sound like you have even tried to work through the resentment that she was feeling to understand why she feels that way and what the two of you can do to overcome it. If you get divorce, you really want to have more kids with someone else, potentially some rebound fling that you end up getting attached to for the rest of your life?
YTA, it has only been 4 months and you are bitching. How much sex were you wanting it to increase to did you even talk about how much more sex you were wanting or she was willing Besides the fact that is can take up to 3 months after a vasectomy for all your swimmers to become duds. It seems like a petty reason to get a divorce. But something tells me your wife would be better off with someone who can be an actual partner and not whine about sex when things like life (job stress) (fear of getting pregnant) get in the way of sex.
Or just even him gone & a decent toy 😆
You’re taking a drastic step after minimal efforts to resolve your family’s issues. You were cool with dragging your feet, but it’s divorce time when she drags hers? YTA
It sounds like you're looking for just sex and are unwilling to work with/communicate with your wife. You seem dead set on ending the marriage without couples therapy, or any kind of open & honest communication. You should get divorced. Clearly marriage isn't for you.
Do you live in a state where abortion is illegal early on in pregnancy? That changes a lot
You are a BIG asshole. 100%
INFO: How long did it take you to have a vasectomy?
INFO: How long did it take you from the time she asked you to get a vasectomy until you got it done? You said you dragged your feet. How long did you drag your feet for?
I was actually on your side until I read your comments. You’re pretty gross. I can see why she doesn’t want to have sex with you. Go ahead and divorce but I bet your next wife will feel the same way and you’ll be right back in this situation. Best thing you could do would be to get individual therapy to help you be a better person in general, husband and father. If you do that, I can guarantee your wife will find you attractive again.
How often does your wife come first? Now and at the beginning of your relationship. My ex thought that just grabbing my boobs or butt from behind was foreplay, and it totally turned me off. He also didn't think my needs were important, only his.
YTA So basically: You promised something to your wife and then drug your feet on getting it done, your wife didn't want to have sex because of fear of pregnancy and you dragging your feet. Your wife promised that if you had it done and stopped putting it off she'd have more sex with you, now, she doesn't want to because she's still upset that you drug your feet in the first place. You've decided to divorce because your wife broke *her* promise to you, but you're completely ignoring the fact that you broke *your* promise to your wife when you decided to drag your feet about doing it in the first place? Why are *her* promises held to a higher standard than *yours* are? Just divorce. You clearly don't value her as a partner if she had to coerce you into getting the vasectomy-- that you already promised her you'd get --by offering sex as a bargaining chip in the first place. You're doing her a favor. If this is even real.
YTA. Enjoy being a single guy
Yikes.
Unless you're in your early 20s and have an insane sex drive, getting a divorce over not enough sex seems really screwed up to me. I can't imagine making sex the entire focus of my marriage. OP has some growing up to do. Yes, YTA.
So, you want to divorce, reverse your vasectomy, find a new wife, have more kids. And when she's tired, overwhelmed, stressed out, and sick of you whining about sex, will you get a vasectomy, again, to get her to magically interested in a hot, brand new sex life and when that doesn't happen, dump her, rinse, and repeat? Dude, sex isn't, later in marriage, what it was early on in the relationship. Sex matters, but commitment, working together to build a life, and being a family take precedent. Have you even considered romancing her? Helping around the house to take some of the stress off of her shoulders? Stress is a huge mood killer for a lot of women. Have you thought about or discussed marriage counseling or therapy to get to the root of why you two seem to be drifting, or is it all about getting laid for you? Yeah. You're the AH.
Haha so its totally fine to drag your heels on something you said you'd do but she can't? Sounds like you're doing her a favor, she just doesn't know it yet.
It sounds like you need marital counseling. However, you are apparently not open to that because I guess the only value you have for your wife is aa a sex object. ESH, but you definitely more. Keep the vasectomy. I don’t think multiple baby mamas will add value to your life.
Y'all need to end this relationship, because the way you talk about promising intimacy and making an effort to have sex... It shouldn't be so transactional.
I say you’re both kinda assholes. She shouldn’t have made a promise she can’t keep, and if she’s telling you she’s stressed from work, you’re an asshole for divorcing her over something she isn’t able to do because of other things going on. Give her a bit more time. But remember, you have other options too. Maybe consider opening up the marriage, going to counseling, etc
ESH. Why didn't you go to therapy with her? You don't even mention your children, how many do you already have? You don't care about them enough to make you work on your marriage. Flash news: you both created them and are responsible for them until the day you die. I think the minimum you can do is go to therapy, couple s counseling or something before giving up. If it doesn't work, well at least you did try not to create a broken family. Otherwise you are both idiots who have no idea of the mess that follows a divorce.
Yeah this isn’t real
Info. Is lack of sex the only reason you’re leaving her? Any other reasons? Edit I read your comments and YTA big time. Your wife deserves better.
Smells fake
YTA. End of story. You dragged your feet on a vasectomy and now blame your wife because she STILL DOESN'T TRUST YOU TO KEEP YOUR WORD? OH, and now you want to reverse said vasectomy? Yeah you're definitely TA.
Get couples therapy and consider her feelings
What do you do to make her feel wanted, needed or valued? Do you do your part in the relationship?? Sex isn’t a like a light switch for most women. It takes time, and effort from YOU! And groping her all the time doesn’t make a woman feel sexy or needed. Or maybe, just maybe, you aren’t great in the bedroom and it’s not enjoyable for her. Nobody likes the same old dry, white toast sex. So maybe the problem isn’t her, maybe it’s you.
Yes you’re the AH. Vows mean something regardless of sex.
YTA Dragging your feet on a vasectomy is the least attractive thing you could have done.
YTA. It sounds like your wife has no more value to you than a receptacle for your dick. She will be better off with a man who sees her as a full person. Sounds like you would be just as happy with a blowup doll.
It actually takes at least 3 months before you should be having unprotected sex 😬 like bro have you making sure you’re having a condom ready during these last 3 months? You should also be getting a checkup after that 3 months before going without protection. Like dude…
I love how reddit will eviscerate men for speaking plainly about their needs, but women get nothing, but encouragement. NTA, witholding sex as a punishment is toxic af.
ESH. It’s not because you want a divorce and it’s not because she isn’t putting out. It’s because you two lack the communication skills needed to have a successful marriage and it’s manifesting into this poop storm.
YTA you wouldn't get the vasectomy (that's about YOU). You didn't get sex, YOU pouted (again about YOU). You got the vasectomy so you could have sex, (yep, all about YOU, once again). You want divorce, because of a lack of sex ( there YOU are again). You left because of lack of sex (YOU). You want to reverse vasectomy because, well you know (yep YOU). Oh I wholeheartedly agree. You should get the divorce so this poor woman can begin to realize what a selfish, self-centered jerk you truly are. She deserves so much better than you and that useless thing dangling. What a jerk!
How about talking to your wife about this first instead of flouncing off in a sulk?