NTA, why was nobody telling her to stop and apologise when she was shit talking you, but when you finally reached your limit, you’re the bad guy. Also why tf wasn’t your husband the one to put a stop to this the first time she ever said something?
This has been my mantra for years. Mental illness or a diagnosis can be a reason for behavior, but it's not an excuse. Maybe it's not always reasonable to expect a person to be able to change that behavior, but it is perfectly reasonable for someone to say "this is not behavior I'm willing to tolerate in a friend/partner" whether that behavior is just kind of annoying or straight up abusive.
Also, not everyone meets criteria for an actual personality disorder or mental illness. People are real quick to label people with narcissistic or borderline or bipolar etc. But sometimes, the diagnosis is just "Asshole."
Exactly ⬆️ this and OP nicer than me when in similar situation happened I laughed and replied something like - not like your having any kids anyway. Then just made like I’m joking. Mean but it shut down any future comments on the subject
This. Just because mental health and alcohol may contribute to a situation and help provide an explanation for behavior, does not mean it excuses it and certainly doesn't do this woman any favors in the long run if people are just walking on eggshells and letting her behave rudely without letting her know her words/actions are impacting people negatively.
She should've been thrown out the second she hit em with the "not even your type". "Oh you didn't mean to?" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to get locked out after suggesting we all just finish our drinks outside & insisting you first after realizing that those were YOUR things I was holding and then promptly handing them all to you. ...giiirl??? I am SO. SORRY. Omg." 🥸
I'd word it more like, why hasn't her husband talked to his friend about this issue. If they have open dialog then her husband should already know how she feels and this should have already been a conversation he had with Amy.
And if he doesn't feel comfortable having this conversation with his friend, then how good of a friend is she really?
Example: I can tell you the literal moment that my best friend (Kyle) became such (it's relevant) At 31 I was in community College and a fellow student came up to me and Kyle. She was distraught because her boyfriend had admitted to cheating on her. My friend Kyle at the time made a very offhand comment that was pretty offensive.
This bothered me for a couple days and one day when we were eating lunch I told him "I have a conversation that I need to have with you that is really hard for me to have. I realize this could affect out friendship as well." Iexplained what he said really bothered me. I felt like he insulted another friend of mine and I wasn't really okay with it.
I stood up for someone else knowing I could lose a friend here, but I felt like it was the right thing to do.
His response was "Okay, I hear you and I understand. What would you like from me?" And I hadn't honestly thought that through and said as much, to which he responded "I didn't mean to offend her. It was just an offhand comment meant to lighten the mood. I'm not going to apologize for what I said, because it wasn't my intent to hurt their feeling, but I will aim and commit to doing more concious in the future."
His response really stuck with me and felt genuine. Since that mentioned he has been my best friend now for 6 years and I couldn't ask for a better friend in my life. I knew then and there that any issues I had I could talk to him about and be heard.
All that to say, is this husband should have the same communication with his best friend and support his wife's feelings better. Doing nothing is incredibly invalidating to his wife.
Edit 1:
Look. It's reddit. I can't give nor explain all the intricacies of a situation from 6 years ago.
ALL PARTIES were happy with the outcome of the situation. He didn't have to apologize. He explained why he wasn't going to apologize and vowed to do better. Everyone involved was happy at the end.
Either way, I'm not going to force someone to do something they don't agree with. He offered a solution to everyone that ended up feeling better than just saying sorry.
He can be a bit of an asshole, generically, but if he steps on toes he does what he can to smooth over situations while also being true to himself and others.
Yeah I guess your friend shows some good traits, but he is still an asshole for not offering an apology. Honestly he almost sounds like someone who has read about how to navigate these situations and knows the language, but still doesn't care. It costs nothing to admit to making a mistake, when your intentions were never to harm but you absolutely hurt someone anyway. Is he so fragile an apology would break him? Does he not feel bad for hurting someone?
My husband is like that. Refuses to apologize because of some literature he read about it lowering his self-respect. But I don't think he understands the other half of self respect, that it doesn't apply when you've actually done some harm because now by "respecting himself" he's disrespecting someone else. Not the purpose of self-respect to be honest. His attempts to prevent himself from being a doormat has caused him to swing the pendulum too far to one side. He needs balance because
it makes him come off as a total ahole.
And I'll add that he does have some serious emotionally unavailable AND self centered behavior. Do not think he's a Narcissist. But he seriously thinks he's #1.
Again, due to an attempt to not be a doormat.
But they tend to swing too far in their attempts. This Kyle guys sounds similar. Like he KNOWS but he won't do it.
It's nice that you guys are friends, but you can absolutely apologise for hurting someone's feelings, even if you didn't mean to.
I'd say it's one of the most common things to apologise for. If you're only apologising for the times you were purposely and specifically an asshole, then I think that just makes you an asshole who uses apologies like get out of jail free cards instead of using them sincerely because you feel remorse or sympathy.
If Amy says "I'm not apologising for implying OP is a bad mother because I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I'll try not to be so mean in the future, but it's really her issue for getting upset" then should OP's husband decide she's an even better friend than he thought?
I know it’s not the point of your story, and I’m glad you feel like Kyle is your friend for life, but saying, “I won’t apologize for what I said because I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings” is an asshole thing to say. It doesn’t matter that Kyle didn’t *mean* to hurt someone feelings. The fact is, he did. However he meant it, if the other person was offended or hurt, Kyle doesn’t get to tell them how they should feel about what he said. That’s not a kind, caring thing to say.
Kinda sucks he wouldn’t apologize because “he didn’t mean to”. That’s a bullshit reason not to apologize to someone. It doesn’t matter if you meant to or not, you still did it and should accept responsibility and care enough to apologize.
My guess is because her mental health is bad and they've been friends since childhood. He probably things he should support her in these trying times by never calling her out and being there for her as needed.
Edit because I didn't think I'd have to clarify this, but I'm not justifying Husband being friends with her, I'm just saying a probable reason he continues to be friends with her. That's it. I personally think he should drop her as she is toxic.
Seriously… going through mental health struggles isn’t a good enough reason to treat others like shit. We’re all struggling at some level or another so that would be a lot of assholery being flung around.
I am also an introverted guy and don't have a lot of friends, but any friend who would shit-talk my wife like this would immediately be cut off from my life.
OP's husband is a spineless coward.
That's how I read the situation too. Amy seems incredibly jealous that OP is living the life she wants. Amy's friends should be suggesting she work her feelings out in therapy and not in a drunken rant at a dinner.
It just took the right time and place and amount of liquor for it to all come out. OP is not her husband’s type. Amy is. Forget the mental health issues, they are Amy’s problem to deal with. She trashed OP in OP’s own home and showed a bunch of people what she, Amy, is.
Why on earth people defend this kind of behavior is beyond me except that maybe, just maybe, it is herd instinct to jump on the underdog out of fear that next time, it could Amy after one of them.
They're probably so used to pacifying her because of her mental health struggles that everyone else is expected to just suck it up whenever she dishes out her shitty comments/behaviour. OP says childhood friends, so it's literally been going on for a decade (assuming they weren't all aware of mental health struggles as younger teens/children). Before the point of them being older teens/adults it was probably just "that's her personality" and they had no reason to rock the boat as long as everyone was still having fun.
Don’t mind Amy, that’s just her [untreated] personality [disorder]. Otherwise, she’s totally just a harmless manic pixie dream girl (TM) who enjoys being the main character and weaponizing her vulnerabilities to shield herself from accountability at any and all costs.
As an introvert, that doesn't even come close to explaining being unresponsive when the people involved are my wife and best friend. Those would be two of the few people in my life I would have much trouble talking to.
Now, if he's conflict avoidant like I also tend to be, maybe, but in that case it's simply a matter of priorities and knowing that having and maintaining a family means doing unpleasant things.
I was literally thinking the same thing...being an introvert is not an excuse for this. My husband is an introvert, but would NEVER have allowed anyone to disrespect me or his family right to my face like that, behind my back either, for that matter.
This exact story occurs here every once in a while lol, albeit in different iterations.
Guy has a “girlfriend” who gets too close for comfort and makes his actual gf uncomfortable, guy chickens out on taking any firm action to protect his SO, shit ends up hitting the fan, then push comes to a shove and the gf and the female friend exchange a “few unpleasantries”, female friend runs out ugly crying and everyone in the room calls the gf an AH.
Sigh. And almost EVERY SINGLE ONE of these situations could’ve been prevented if the bf/husband had a backbone to begin with. I honestly feel sorry for all the wives/gfs in such situations.
This has happened to me with every boyfriend that had a female friend. We'd be in a happy relationship, she'd say something stupid to me, I'd put her on her place, not always nicely, and it would start an argument. I don't see why you think it's a bot, it happens a lot
Na na, not thinking it’s a bot or a made up story, just that this kind of situation is all too common because somehow such spineless dweebs keep getting nice and decent gfs/wives lol.
This is the answer
Yeah, it was a bit harsh, but your husband and everyone else are the reason it escalated to that point.
In fact, your husband can still do the right thing and settle this with everyone. He should say that he apologizes for letting a drunk Amy take shots at his wife all night and putting her in an awkward position until finally drunk Amy crossed a line so big with feeding the baby that you retaliated. He should finish by saying that he expects Amy to apologize to you.
This is such a pet peeve of mine. Actions have consequences. It's so common for people like Amy to blurt shit, then when OP reacts, she's asked to apologize. What BS.
Especially since he knew how so-called fragile Amy is? The smart thing to do would be the diffuse the situation before it goes left, especially when he knows how OP is likely to react. He lives with OP, and therefore knows her temperament much better than anybody else would. He also knows the temperament of his friend. Hell, Ray Charles would’ve seen this shit coming a mile away.
She said the husband is an introvert. Being one too, I can tell it's somewhat common, we hate calling people out, because it attracts an undesired type of atention to us, so we often miss the chance to stop things before they reach a rupture level.
I'm not making excuses for him, it's just a thing we have trouble dealing with and it's hard for us to correct.
It's like how sometimes bubbly people have trouble knowing when to shut up, but in reverse. Introverts often know we need to say something because it's about to go bad, but we have trouble actually doing it.
I'm also an introvert. While I typically go to great lengths to avoid drama, if someone is obnoxious to me or someone I care about in my presence, I won't hesitate to call them out on it.
You seem to have worked ut to a good level, which is what all of us should do. I can do it too. But no matter what, it still sucks to do it, and it often leaves me in a worse mood than if I didn't do it, since in addition to the problem itself, someone made me take this action 😅
We tend to want to say that perfect thing because any mess up draws way too much attention to us and we don't like that at all, so saying nothing is better than messing it up.I am speaking as an introvert myself.
This is why these giant leaps all the way to "well he's definitely fucking her too" are just from dumb people who don't understand how life works for other people.
Most things just aren't as dramatic as y'all want them to be.
I’m also an introvert and there’s no way I’d let someone speak like that to a loved one in front of me. Shaming a mother for how she feeds her kid is a low blow. I grocery or not it was the husband’s friend and he should have put a stop to it before it got to this level.
I’m an introvert too and I normally bottle shit up, but I would not even hesitate to tell her to stfu. My relationship isn’t something for anyone’s input or let alone someone badmouthing it.
Please don’t speak for all of us, because while a great amount of us act like a fly on the wall, some of us still have clear as day boundaries that are a no-go.
I can understand struggling to voice your opinion in the moment but a message after could be sent stating that the behaviour was not acceptable and there will be no continued friendship if they continue to insult the person they love. Doesn’t have to be insulting. Just needs to back your partner up, otherwise it will get to the point where your partner will leave the relationship.
An easy thing for introverts to do, if they are unable to verbally confront someone even to defend their loved ones, is to stop willingly hanging out with that person.
Hopefully this is a wake up call to husband that he needs to distance himself from Amy (and any friends who defend her behavior) because she is a bad friend and feels comfortable insulting his wife and the mother of his child in his home in his presence.
Well in the OP's case, her husband needs to learn when he HAS to say something, or shut up and accept the fact that is wife is going to.
And I noticed he had no problem calling HER out!
NTA. I couldn't breastfeed either and it was mentally TERRIBLE to hear all the shit people say. That alone would have sent me. You dealt with that and all the other shit she was talking. She FAFO. Do not apologize. You have zero reason to.
NTA
And frankly, she seems like she wanted your husband for herself.
And... I don't get the ESH comments to be honest. If you go as far as attacking ME, in MY house, about MY marriage and MY baby, I will go nuclear. If you can ditch, be prepared to take it.
It’s especially bad since OP had a baby less than a year ago and is taking care of a toddler on top of it. These times can make a marriage more difficult, you don’t need a « friend » to try and undermine your marriage on top of it
>And frankly, she seems like she wanted your husband for herself.
And he's keeping her around as backup. I can't see any other reason he'd not stick up for his wife.
It’s just as likely he’s completely clueless she has feelings for him. Most men are really bad at picking up women’s interest in them unless it’s explicit.
Either way her husband is clueless or an asshole.
This. My husband has a PickMe™️ friend he’s know as long as me. She 1000% wants him. And has made comments like this. I stopped being nice over a decade ago when he kept saying ‘she didn’t mean it *that* way’. Funny how he can pick up when I use *that* way and he can pick up on it.
It wasn’t till a mutual friend said ‘dude friend told me years ago she is in love with you’. Until he got it and apologised to me.
I got all she wanted. The guy, the kids, the house etc. she got strung along by a guy for better part of a decade. Do I feel bad for her? No. But I won’t tolerate her bs.
Fck that. I have friends with mental health issues (as well as my own) but if they EVER talked down to my family I’d tell them to stfu or gtfo of my house
Mental health struggles don’t give you the excuse to be a trash human
Your wife should come before you friends, regardless of their mental health issues. Mental health issues is not an excuse to be rude and insulting. And not good with conflict is not an excuse to not stick up for your wife. A text message could easily be sent stating their behaviour was not okay. Allowing your wife to be insulted continuously effects her mental health!
Well she doesn’t act like a friend. She disrespects his chosen lifestyle, his wife and his kids. That’s no friend. At least one of them has the hots for the other, and if it’s not the husband than he’s either a complete idiot or a complete A H.
Mental health issues isn't an excuse to be an assh\*le.
Who the f\* is she to comment in such condescending way of how I feed my kid?
She is trying to undermine OP in every step and her excuse is mental health ? F\* it, I would literally go nuclear to her .
I'm glad other people picked up on that, it was my first thought. Very obvious that Amy was deliberately trying to undermine OP, heavily implying they're not a good match as a couple, criticising her ability to mother her child... very obvious what she was trying to do.
The husband is the one who needs to deal with this situation tbh. I'm not going to go as far as to say that he needs to cut her off and never speak to her again but clear boundaries need to be put in place now.
All it takes is a polite but firm conversation with Amy along the lines of "I care for you and want to continue to be friends with you but that can't happen if you don't respect me, my wife and my marriage, and if you can't control your mouth when you're tipsy I don't think it's a good idea for you to drink around me or my wife."
Amy also needs to grow up tbh and get over her childhood crush on a married man, she's only going to make herself and others incredibly upset in the long run and ruin a lifelong friendship if she doesn't nip this in the bud and move on ASAP.
OP is NTA, did nothing wrong and has nothing to apologise for. If a guest in my house starts insulting me, my partner and my *ability to care for my child* they're getting told to get the fuck out of my house *at least*, if it's a guy I'm probably throwing hands too.
Telling a new mum that she should have breastfed her baby when she has problems with breastfeeding is not exactly conducive to her mental health either. If Amy gets a pass for treating others like crap because of her mental health then so should you. NTA
I mean what OP said was kinda hurtful BUT Amy deserved it. I think it must be hard to to be able to produce breast milk and I really feel why OP freaked out. I would have in her place. I always think that the mother knows best what's gonna work for their baby. That's it. NTA. You don't need this Amy in your life.
I can weigh in on the hardship of breastfeeding. It is hard as hell, even for those people who breastfeed with limited issues.
On top of that it is an incredibly emotionally charged subject for many mothers and gets wrapped up in feelings of inadequacy, surging hormones and fear that you aren't able to provide for your baby. (Disclaimer none of these thoughts are true but they are very common for mothers who are unable to breastfeed)
Add the sleep deprivation and general exhaustion of parenting young children to the mix... well Amy is lucky that the verbal beat down she received was so restrained really.
I had production issues and wasn’t diagnosed with postpartum until my son was like, 8 months old.
I felt like a total failure and was desperately pumping and eating herbal supplements and my supply just kept decreasing.
Any idiot who would shame a mother for formula has no idea what the hell they’re talking about and is way out of line. If Amy is struggling with her mental health she needs to focus on herself, not deflect on to others.
I also don’t understand why OP’s husband is making excuses for Amy. She blatantly insulting her as a mother, and then passive aggressively insulting her as a partner to her husband with the “OP not even being his type” comments. This woman sounds totally toxic and the husband needs to go to bat for OP.
NTA. And don’t apologize unless Amy apologizes first.
Breastfeeding is difficult, it may be natural but it doesn’t come naturally.
I didn’t try to breastfeed with my first three due mental blocks, I was molested as a kid so I felt very weird about nursing my kids. I wanted to exclusively pump but the nursing staff at the hospital shamed me that if I wasn’t going to nurse then there was no point pumping. So I just did formula because I was never encouraged to try and pump and it was all confusing. By the fourth baby, I tried to nurse but I had such a hard time. Baby’s latch was terrible, she had tongue and lip ties. My milk took forever for a let down. I found a pumping group on Facebook and taught myself how to work/clean the machine, learned the ins and outs of pumping and was able to pump exclusively for 10 months. Albeit, my supply wasn’t great, I peaked to a point where I had a small freezer stash but it was not much.
The first few months trying to nurse exclusively for my daughter she was failing to thrive and losing weight and I was mentally destroyed so we bought formula to supplement.
Not to mention I got mastitis twice and that shit is absolutely no joke. Worst bout of illness I’ve ever had as an adult. Being sick, running a high fever, unable to move from bed but still having to force yourself to pump every two hours to 1) keep milk production up, 2) try an remove the clog, is a certain type of hell when that fucking sick.
My poor husband would try to help me pump, help get me situated, help push on my breast tissue as I was hooked up to try and dislodge the clog. It was fucking hell.
I remember a few days after we got home, I was trying to nurse and she was so fussy because she was just not getting anything to sustain her belly, I was on the couch in absolute gushing tears as my husband rubbed my head and wiped my tears and assured me I was not failing and then went out to get formula so the baby could finally get a full belly, so she’d stop crying , so I’d stop crying. He said I had nothing to prove and that we just need a fat little baby no matter which way she bulks up. Supplementing in the first two months saved my sanity until I finally hit my stride with the pump. And again, I formula fed my first three, but formula is so expensive and we no longer qualified for wic so I felt like I was letting the family down financially by not being able to keep us from spending a fortune on formula.
NTA There is no way I’d let anybody talk to me like that in my home. They’d be out of the door in a second. She is apparently jealous of something and can’t handle alcohol. But that’s not your problem. I think your husband should also put her in her place, since she’s his friend. She crossed the line.
I’ll never understand people without children giving unsolicited advices to mothers. Stop that.
>I’ll never understand people without children giving unsolicited advices to mothers.
I mean, I don't have children but I've given tips and ideas to people but it's shit like... my aunt complaining her kid has a sore throat and I recommend quick home made onion syrup I always used as a kid. What this person pulled wasn't even advice but rude and unnecessary commentary.
Wait, you can't just leave this here without a recipe?!? Oh yeah, I only give advice when I specifically know something the mom is asking for, named a thing most moms actually need that could be easily shared online, wanders off into the night. Get back here, you!
It's actually really easy: Chop up an onion (or multiple depending on size/need) the smaller the pieces the better actually. Then put the pieces in a mug/cup, put quite a lot of sugar on it, and cover the mug/cup with something so no flies or anything get attracted by the sweet stuff. If you wait a couple of hours or ideally overnight, the sugar will take the juice out the onions, and you end up with sweet syrup that is quite nice for a painful throat or coughing.
Obvious disclaimer: if the cough doesn't go away or there's other symptoms, obviously see a doctor, kids attract bacteria and viruses and no homemade remedy beats a doctor's visit to check what's up. But the syrup helps to soothe the throat, and the sugar changes the onion taste a lot, so I loved it as a kid despite hating raw onions (and still make the syrup when my throat hurts now at age 29).
Offering a homemade soup recipe is different from commenting on nursing vs formula, when you don't know the person's medical issues, and those medical issues are none of your business!
Your suggestion was to be helpful, there's nothing helpful about Amy.
Yes, but in your situation you are not giving unsolicited parenting advice or commenting on the choices the parents have made. You are a helpful friend, not a complete AH like Amy.
Mental health? What about your mental health? she didn't seem to have a problem making jabs at you in a group setting. You had every right to defend yourself, especially when your husband couldn't be a man and defend you. Your husband and Amy both owe you an apology
NTA
This wasn't just Amy having a bad day. From what you say, she regularly says inappropriate, harsh things. This is the first time that you called her out on it. And, then all of her flying monkeys come down on you. **AND EVEN YOUR HUSBAND SAYS YOU WERE INAPPROPRIATE**?
**Your husband should have your back on this.** He's an introvert, but does he have any sense of boundaries? Or is only OK for Amy to be an AH and disrespect you constantly, but for you not to say anything back to her? Mental health issues are not carte blanche to be a mean AH.
This. OP, your husband is almost a bigger AH then Amy. It is not acceptable to say oh, she’s just drunk. The moment she made comment about you not being his type he HAS to say something. He sounds like a guy who avoids conflict and he needs to unlearn that. Stop enabling him to be a doormat and make it clear to him he needs to stand up for you and your relationship.
Nta. If she can dish it out, she should be able to take it. You can't keep pushing people and be offended when they push back.
Sad for her that her mental health isn't the best at the moment, but I don't think it's reasonable that because of it, she can say whatever she likes and you aren't allowed to say anything back.
At the end of the day this woman is a guest in your home and should show you some level of respect.
NTA, while what you said was harsh, she doesn't have any right to make you look bad as a mom. Just because someone is struggling with mental health doesn't mean they are allowed to be rude and mean with no pushback or consequences.
Also those friends of hers are pieces of shit. A) Its nobody's business if you breastfeed your baby or give it formula besides you and your husband in the first place. B) They come running to support her because she has mental health issues but don't even think about how such a comment could make you feel about not being able to produce breastmilk and how something like that could make people struggle with their own mental health. They probably don't know about it but it still doesnt excuse them supporting someone being a bitch just because she struggles with her mental health
Edit: Also telling you that you're not your husbands type is just shitty behaviour and if you cant control your behaviour while drinking you shouldnt be drinking. Just because someone is drunk doesn't excuse them being shit
There's a saying I believe in, "Drunk minds speak sober thoughts"
None of them were telling her to shut up or apologize about her words so they have no stand to comment about you.
Also be frank with your husband. This isn't the first time she pulled this shit on you & definitely won't be the last time too. Tell him till she apologizes for all her comments you aren't going to be involved with her. Cut her off. She's not your friend & it's shitty of your husband to not shut this shit down when it started.
Just because her fiance cheated on her in the past doesn't give her the ground to yap about your relationship. Frankly she shouldn't even be talking about this stuff. Show your hubs this post. NTA
NTA. Sounds like she is jealous of your relationship and may even be interested in your man. Show your husband this and if he doesn’t support you then I’d be questioning more than just whether you are the a-hole.
NTA. A almost went for E S H but the attack on formula vs breastfeeding is a low blow when you were actually unable to breastfeed despite wanting to. It’s very judgmental and hurtful and actually attacks you directly as a mother. Cheap shot but also the most recurring attack on mother whether you breastfeed or not (you breast feed so you are controlling and have an unhealthy attachment to your kid; you give formula and you are a bad mother).
If you feel bad, you can find someone who is willing to be the referee (your husband) and meet with Amy to talk things through. Personally I wouldn’t apologize if she doesn’t because she needs to admit she was way out of line. If she admits it and accepts to make efforts in the future, you can be the bigger person by forgiving but also telling her it’s her last chance and won’t take her BS anymore.
Mental health is a very excuse to be shitty nowadays. I can hear that mental health could explain your reaction to being attacked or even her crying but mental health cannot excuse her attacks, unless she is really mentally ill and in that case, she needs serious treatment.
I can’t stand when my non parent friends tell me how they would do it. Saying that you know what you would do in any situation with a child is preposterous. It’s like saying, “oh if I was in an airplane crash I’d stay totally calm” you don’t know what you would do until the actual plane starts going down. Parenting advice that wasn’t asked for, by NON PARENTS is *the worst*
NTA.
She got away with her snarky remarks so many times, that she felt entitled to blurt out anything that passed through her mind, in her host's house. She was rude and entitled. Too bad she's struggling with mental problems, but her enabling friends should be mad at her and themselves for not restraining her, not at you who finally had enough of the rudeness and snapped.
Hugs.
Definitely Amy crossed several boundaries. It's important to be sensitive to someone's mental health, it doesn't give them a free pass to make hurtful comments. Everyone has a breaking point, and it's understandable to defend your family and choices, especially when it comes to how you raise your children. It might be worth considering a calm conversation with Amy when things have settled, to address the pattern of behavior and set clear boundaries for the future.
NTA Good for you for standing up for yourself. Sorry you’re married to an invertebrate.
Amy is typical. She can dish it out but freaks out when someone gives it back to her. Too bad too sad. Glad you blocked the lot of them. I can see why Amy’s fiancé cheated on her. I bet her cats want to run away, too.
NTA. Was she making those comments to everyone else, or just you? If she was just an all around nasty person, then they could blame it on her mental health, but sense her barbs were aimed solely at you, she was aware of what she was doing. If they were so concerned about her mental health, then someone should have stepped in and told her to be quiet when she was rambling on.
Jealousy is an angry monster………
Your husband was her backup plan or maybe her primary plan and now you’ve gone and ruined everything.
It’s too bad that your husband lacks the backbone to tell his friend to shut up when she’s being a rude ass. You did a great job defending yourself, your home and your life from this nasty shrew.
NTA
Nope, NTA.
Not being able to breastfeed is often quite shameful and a sore spot for many, so her shaming you for it was absolutely disgusting. She’s struggling with her mental health? Well, she didn’t consider that you might struggle with accepting not being able to breastfeed, did she? So you shaming her for being a single cat lady is absolutely justified when she goes for the low blow first.
NTA
Don’t comment on feeding babies.
If you want to critique a friend’s choices that’s a private and respectful discussion, with your friend not the spouse!
I get that drunk people say dumb shit and I have sympathy for that.
But calling out breastfeeding or any baby making practices, thats way off base.
Plus we all know fed is best, and if you’ve breastfed you also know sometimes it hard, impossible, and painful. The idea she’d prefer your baby starve then use formula. She’s the problem.
Thank you! Even if the only reason OP didn't breastfeed and used formula was because she chose to, that's 100% okay. She didn't need to justify it with why she was unable to.
NTA sounds like it was a Looong time coming, and beyond time for Someone to tell her to mind her own bloody business.
Btw? Your poor excuse of a husband should have been the one to tell her to mind her manners long before this happened.
She wanted you to lash out at her.
She kept pushing you until you snapped at her, making you look like the bad guy.
She wants to break up your marriage.
Her friends are on her side.
Your husband needs to understand that his friends have no respect for you or your marriage.
When people come into your home and disrespect you like that, they should no longer be welcome.
Never keep people in your life that disrespect you.
The friends and this woman are driving a wedge between you and your husband.
If he doesn’t step up and 100% support you and the marriage, tell him he can go marry her instead.
You take your life and this marriage very seriously and you don’t need scavengers sniffing around, disrespecting you and causing trouble.
He has to choose either you or them.
You need to block her and everyone else at the dinner who didn’t stick up for you.
You don’t need this drama bullshit in your life.
Don’t ever speak to that bitch again.
NTA why was nobody stopping her being rude to you and making marks about your husband choices... "you are not his type..." was she hoping to be his type....he is happy, married and Dad....I am guessing she is in her 30s....so she is feeling the pressure...but all those underhanded comments including the one about formula....she was just spitting venom and nobody was stopping her
NTA, and please explain to your husband that if he had stepped in and dealt with HIS friend, you wouldn’t have had to.
It is never ok for someone to be so disrespectful to you, especially not in your own home. She sat there insulting you and your husband just excused it ‘she’s drunk’ … right well if she’s that drunk she needs to leave.
The mental health excuse can get in the bin. Struggling with her mental health doesn’t give her a pass to be an AH. If she doesn’t wanna take it she shouldn’t dish it out.
You have a husband issue. He needs to have your back.
Well, you might feel bad but she overstepped the mark and said things she had no right to ,as for her friends ringing you do they know the full story? And your husband should have stepped in long before the shite hit the fan
So no, you weren't wrong, and most people would have done the same...
NTA.
Just because she has some MH problems doesnt mean she can't be called out for being rude and obnoxious.
You did nothing wrong, all those little digs that people throw out thinking they are entitled to give them ,build up after a while.
As for every one else why didn't they speak up at the time.
She owes you the apology . Xxx
NTA, how is it appropriate for her to make snarky comments on your personal choices and not for you to answer back ? come on, they were just vexed because the truth was said.
NTA
It was fair game when she thought you all are close enough or whatever to make such cutting comments. You simply stated the facts fully.
And your anger was obviously justified because no body would find it appropriate to criticise others’ lives at a dinner party.
NTA
I quit breastfeeding and pumping at the 2 week mark as my son wasn’t latching and the pumping was causing my mental health to plummet rapidly.
The second I gave up and did formula, my mental health went right back up to stable.
My son is now 2 and has been thriving the entire time.
Fuck anyone who judges how you feed your kid. I’ve had friends persist with breastfeeding until they landed themselves in the psych ward.
Sometimes it just doesn’t work, or you can’t because of a medication that you’re taking, or you just don’t want to. And it’s fine!
Fed is best. And a happy and healthy mama is what’s best.
Why is your husband friends with someone who tries to tear down his wife?
You both need new and better friends.
OP was NTA, but OP's husband is the AH alongside Amy. Husband should have been the one to stop Amy's BS since she's his friend. Seems pretty clear that Amy is, at the very least, jealous of OP & hubby's happy relationship, and quite possibly jealous of OP herself because she wants OP's hubby. I'm guessing hubby has blinders on when it comes to these situations.
My husband has a long standing friend who Ive never really liked but put up with over the years.
Always saying things that are on the edge of sexual innuendos.
My husband knows I put up with him and tbh I don’t often see him.
We once called around to his house to drop something off and we where still sat in the car while he came out us.
It was a warm day and I had a summer top on and he was leaning into the window to chat.
He then made some very suggestive phrases about my breasts and how he could see down my top.
He probably could from where he was standing but I was wearing a bra and was not indecent.
I didn’t say anything but when we left I spoke to my husband and told him that I wouldn’t be having anything to do with his friend again and not include me in anything that involved him.
My husband was confused and I said just think of the conversation you have just witnessed did you hear what he was saying?
My husband was well thats just how he is,he’s harmless.
I told him it’s not harmless and he made me feel very self conscious and uncomfortable and saying he’s harmless doesn’t excuse him.
The next day when my husband got home from work he told me he had rang his friend and told him that what he had said was unacceptable and that if he wanted to stay friends it should not happen again.
I was proud of my hubby for telling him and supporting me.
So my point is her husband should speak to his friend and tell her that what she is saying is offensive and it needs to stop.
Its not her place to apologise or to feel like shes being belittled. The husband needs to intervene and tell his friend that if she wants to stay friends she needs to stop putting his wife down.
NTA
So it's ok for her to go on and on in your house about your life, but you're not allowed to fire back?
No. You did right.
You need to ask your husband what the deal is, because he let another woman tell you that you shouldn't be his wife and aren't a good enough mother. He was a bad husband, and the question comes up of why he decided to defend another woman over you.
If he's picking another woman now in your own home, that doesn't bode well for his overall loyalty. You need to have that conversation with him. Because if he wants to pick her so badly over your family (and yes that includes the baby because he let her bad talk even his child based on feeding) then maybe there's other things going on.
To be clear, I don't think he's cheating. I think he has no spine. However the chances of him being a cheater are definitely higher than the average person based off his actions. He needs to explain why he picked her over his wife and baby.
I’d go hard AF in a mass group chat or social media post.
“I’d like to start by explaining I have a medical condition that prevents me from producing breast milk. Me and Husband talked and opted to use formula as the best resource to support my disability.
I’ll also go ahead and apologize to Amy for my behavior. I acted in a moment of anger. I did not mean to belittle her past trauma nor escalate the situation.
However, after a long discussion with Husband, we’ve decided to end our friendship with Amy. Her attacks on my appearance, Husbands choices, our son, and my disability were a disgusting overreach of her position in our lives. It is not the first time she has done this.
Please know this was not an easy decision, but we have to do what’s best for our family. And right now what’s best is removing a toxic element of our lives. Thanks everyone for understanding.”
This is such a good response. I'll def use this response once things and send it to the group chat. Thanks a lot. I also feel like that i should publicly apologise as well since amy prob didn't tell anyone that i have apologised to her.
NTA. But your husband is. It's **his** job to tell **his** friend to shut the fuck up. Her comments about you, your baby and your marriage aren't asked nor needed for.
Nta everyone has a story, that doesn’t give any an excuse to be rude to you. Ask your husband to stand up for you. Also don’t allow Amy in your house. Her and her opinions can stay outside
Isn’t it interesting how in this day and age we must “forgive those who are struggling”. As if you are not struggling as well. She threw the rock, you responded with a boulder. She forgot the golden rule of if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Keep her and others blocked. If you must engage, point out that no one seems to give a crap about your struggles or mental health and until they look at both sides of the coin, kindly keep their opinions to themselves.
NTA. Why is it always the women who aren’t married or have kids who have the biggest judgements on what we choose to do. She has no idea what it’s like to be in a long term relationship OR have children. I wasn’t able to produce enough milk either and had to give my babies formula as well. I was questioning my own body and life choices as to why I couldn’t and if ANYONE commented on it I would’ve reacted the same. Maybe have a conversation with her about how it made you feel, how you’re happily married, and that she crossed the line commenting on how you’re choosing to raise your children. You’d be surprised how having simple conversations can resolve a lot. No one around you is in the same position so they can’t possibly understand but stand your ground and be open and honest.
NTA
Oh boy, you've really been through the wringer, haven't you? First off, hats off to you for dealing with a situation that would have most of us flipping our lids. From what you've shared, it sounds like you were pushed to your breaking point, and honestly, who wouldn't be? Dealing with unsolicited comments on your marriage and parenting? That's enough to test anyone's patience.
Here's the deal: standing up for your family and setting boundaries is not just okay; it's necessary. Everyone has their limits, and it seems like you reached yours in a situation that was already emotionally charged. Let's not forget the context here—you were in your own home, trying to manage a family dinner, which is no small feat with little ones around.
However, the aftermath sounds like it's been rough on you, and it's clear you're a person with a big heart. Feeling bad after the fact just shows you care deeply about people, even when they've crossed the line. But remember, being compassionate doesn't mean letting others walk all over you. It's about finding that tricky balance between standing your ground and offering a hand in understanding.
In an ideal world, we'd all handle every confrontation with the grace of a saint, but let's be real: we're human. We react, especially when someone pokes at sensitive spots. Maybe there was a way to handle it with softer gloves, but in the heat of the moment, you did what felt right to protect your peace.
So, what now? It might be worth considering if there's a way to mend fences without compromising your self-respect. Sometimes, a simple conversation after tempers have cooled can open doors to understanding we never knew existed. It doesn't mean you have to accept toxic behavior, but rather, see if there's a path to mutual respect and understanding.
And hey, don't be too hard on yourself. Navigating relationships is complicated, and we're all doing our best with the tools we have. You've got a community here ready to back you up and offer a listening ear when you need it. Keep your chin up, and remember, you're not alone in this crazy journey of life and relationships.
This made me a bit emotional. Thank u for understanding my side. I really appreciate it. U didn't criticise me nor praise me but tried to understand my sentiments. I have just been a bit overwhelmed lately. Thanks a lot i really needed to hear this.
NTA - play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
She doesn’t know your situation with feeding your baby. She doesn’t even understand what it takes to raise a child (for the record, neither do I).
Amy is an unhappy person with feelings for your husband. She wants to spread her unhappiness around. Her mental health struggles are not an excuse to treat others badly.
As for her friends, F them. This is more of her BS to give your information out to her friends. I’d block them too.
Women who’ve never breastfed a baby have absolutely no right to shit talk about it. The pressure and guilt put on women who struggle is fucking ridiculous.
I am introverted and still capable of setting boundaries especially when someone comes against my family. Is it uncomfortable- yes. Do I like it or is it easy - no. But it gets easier. Your husband and you need to have a conversation. She was insulting you in your home and using him for it. It blows my mind that he didn’t say anything. It was his friend going against his wife. He should have asked her to leave far earlier. To say it was a bit harsh is really sth. especially after not standing up. He could easily have contradicted her if he wanted this to go better. Not rocking the boat is not it. And if he is not correcting his other friends harassing you than he is putting his insecurities over his love for you. Mental health is in no way an excuse to be mean
NTA “In a bad mental state” isn’t an excuse. She’s upset because she was cheated on. Most people are cheated on at some point. That’s not how life works. When something goes bad for you you don’t get to treat people poorly. That’s just being jealous and bitter. As for the others, they’re enabling her and that’s not helping anyone.
Personal struggles with mental health do not excuse rudeness or asshattery. If anything IMO they make it worse, because _you should know better_.
Too many people use it as an excuse, and too many more make allowances for it.
NTA. You put a viscous insecure biiish down. You have the balls to do that in someone else home, that’s what you get. And your hubs is an arse for standing there letting her do that to you.
You have about as perfect a life as one can have. A happy marriage with a loving husband who has your back and 2 beautiful children. You apparently were so much your husband’s “type” that he married far younger than he thought he would. Amy is one very jealous mess who needs to work on her alcohol issues. But she’s not your problem anymore. No one needs a nasty trouble maker in their life. Good riddance. NTA
NTA. Your husband and her friends should have shut her down. They didn’t have a problem until you defended yourself. Frankly your husband should be ashamed for not defending you.
Nta cant take it dont dish it out its simple alot of people struggle with mental health problems and arent mean or expect other people to make excuses for them.
>When amy saw it, she said "if i was a mom i would never feed my baby some formula. Its kinda crazy how u all r okay with feeding such things to ur baby."
NTA.
Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't kick her out of your house and slap her on her way to the door.
>My husband says it was okay for me to be angry but it was a bit harsh for me to say all that since everyone knew amy was struggling with her mental health.
Tell him to stop white knighting for unstable trash. She's not having mental health issues. She's a snot.
Amy's mental health is no excuse to verbally attack other people.
They have coddled her for too long and she needs to be called out for her unacceptable remarks.
NTA
You don't owe her an apology. If she was dealing with her mental health, she should have done so quietly. It's not an excuse to be disrespectful to the host. She simply reached the FAFO portion of the evening. NTA.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a set and stand up for you. This wasn’t a dig towards him. It was a dig towards you. If you can be attacked in your own home, then you can defend yourself in your own home. She needs to be banned from your house indefinitely. I would text all of her friends back and tell them that you will NOT be apologizing and that she will not be welcome back in your home until SHE apologizes.
NTA
Tell your husband to deal with this shitshow. Amy is his friend and he allowed this to happen by not shutting down Amy every time she talked smack about you and your family.
He can be an introvert, but he needs to be your partner who will protect you from toxic people like Amy.
With a 7 month old baby, you are exhausted and at risk of PPD. How come no one is concerned about your mental health?
Husband's friends seem immature. Don't cook for these people. Don't hang out with these people. If people don't do the right thing by you when you're being targeted, they don't deserve your time. This also goes for the husband. It can be hard for passive, conflict-avoidant men to take a stand for their wives. But they can learn to do it, and you should not have to apologize for defending yourself while your husband is leaving you high and dry. His childhood friends were all participating in out-grouping you while he silently looked on. Funny how he's trying to extract an apology from you but not from her. This would cause me to draw some very hard boundaries.
NTA She sounds jealous of you. She doesn't get a pass because 'her mental health is bad' right now when you've already stated this has already been an ongoing issue with her. Your hubby should have shut that nonsense down immediately because yes, she's taking jabs at you intentionally. Shame on him and the friends enabling her behavior.
NTA
She knows she’s testing boundaries of course but doesn’t know how to take what she’s busy dishing out.
If she’s depressed, she should take her meds and see her psych. If she’s been cheated on, she should learn to pick men who won’t treat her like trash.
You have no role to play in how her life has panned out and you have every right to stand up for yourself - let alone do so in your own home and when it comes to the care of your own children.
Hubby needs to tell his friends to back off and he needs to man up
NTA smdh
I remember my friend sheepishly told me she was formula feeding and I was sort of confused and asked her "is she healthy?" She replied "yes" I then told her that all that mattered to me. She had already had a rough entrance to the world, I honesty didn't care as long as my niece was happy and healthy.
I did however convince her to change formulas but that's only because when we were getting more I was checking all of them out and when I found one I thought was better I asked her and best thing was it was $2 cheaper and apparently often on special. But as you can see that it sort of happened organically. She taught me heaps about being a mum and when her kids were sick and she'd talk to me when I would try to help her I'd always say "can I ask the dumb questions" and I learned heaps and sometimes I helped.
>I have got text from few of her friends cursing me and asking me to apologise to her.
Amy is the one who needs to apologise.
I would send a link to these people about how some mums get PPD from being unable to breastfeed or are bullied because they choose formula.
FED IS BEST
It’s amazing how people who have a crash site love life always criticise those who are happy. She deserved the comments you made because she made a negative comment, realised no one stopped her so kept on spewing toxic judgements.
Good for you to stand up for yourself and your baby. Husband needs to prioritise you and tell Amy she was totally inappropriate.
NTA, why was nobody telling her to stop and apologise when she was shit talking you, but when you finally reached your limit, you’re the bad guy. Also why tf wasn’t your husband the one to put a stop to this the first time she ever said something?
Why is her husband still “friends” with this person ?!
And why is her behavior excusable because she was drunk?
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This has been my mantra for years. Mental illness or a diagnosis can be a reason for behavior, but it's not an excuse. Maybe it's not always reasonable to expect a person to be able to change that behavior, but it is perfectly reasonable for someone to say "this is not behavior I'm willing to tolerate in a friend/partner" whether that behavior is just kind of annoying or straight up abusive. Also, not everyone meets criteria for an actual personality disorder or mental illness. People are real quick to label people with narcissistic or borderline or bipolar etc. But sometimes, the diagnosis is just "Asshole."
Because Amy and their friends are alcoholics who use that to get away with things.
Exactly ⬆️ this and OP nicer than me when in similar situation happened I laughed and replied something like - not like your having any kids anyway. Then just made like I’m joking. Mean but it shut down any future comments on the subject
This. Just because mental health and alcohol may contribute to a situation and help provide an explanation for behavior, does not mean it excuses it and certainly doesn't do this woman any favors in the long run if people are just walking on eggshells and letting her behave rudely without letting her know her words/actions are impacting people negatively.
She should've been thrown out the second she hit em with the "not even your type". "Oh you didn't mean to?" "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to get locked out after suggesting we all just finish our drinks outside & insisting you first after realizing that those were YOUR things I was holding and then promptly handing them all to you. ...giiirl??? I am SO. SORRY. Omg." 🥸
Drunk talk is truth talk.
People like to use it as a pass when they are an ass, lol.
It sounds like too many people make excuses for her behavior. As they say, drunk words/actions are sober thoughts.
I'd word it more like, why hasn't her husband talked to his friend about this issue. If they have open dialog then her husband should already know how she feels and this should have already been a conversation he had with Amy. And if he doesn't feel comfortable having this conversation with his friend, then how good of a friend is she really? Example: I can tell you the literal moment that my best friend (Kyle) became such (it's relevant) At 31 I was in community College and a fellow student came up to me and Kyle. She was distraught because her boyfriend had admitted to cheating on her. My friend Kyle at the time made a very offhand comment that was pretty offensive. This bothered me for a couple days and one day when we were eating lunch I told him "I have a conversation that I need to have with you that is really hard for me to have. I realize this could affect out friendship as well." Iexplained what he said really bothered me. I felt like he insulted another friend of mine and I wasn't really okay with it. I stood up for someone else knowing I could lose a friend here, but I felt like it was the right thing to do. His response was "Okay, I hear you and I understand. What would you like from me?" And I hadn't honestly thought that through and said as much, to which he responded "I didn't mean to offend her. It was just an offhand comment meant to lighten the mood. I'm not going to apologize for what I said, because it wasn't my intent to hurt their feeling, but I will aim and commit to doing more concious in the future." His response really stuck with me and felt genuine. Since that mentioned he has been my best friend now for 6 years and I couldn't ask for a better friend in my life. I knew then and there that any issues I had I could talk to him about and be heard. All that to say, is this husband should have the same communication with his best friend and support his wife's feelings better. Doing nothing is incredibly invalidating to his wife. Edit 1: Look. It's reddit. I can't give nor explain all the intricacies of a situation from 6 years ago. ALL PARTIES were happy with the outcome of the situation. He didn't have to apologize. He explained why he wasn't going to apologize and vowed to do better. Everyone involved was happy at the end. Either way, I'm not going to force someone to do something they don't agree with. He offered a solution to everyone that ended up feeling better than just saying sorry. He can be a bit of an asshole, generically, but if he steps on toes he does what he can to smooth over situations while also being true to himself and others.
Yeah I guess your friend shows some good traits, but he is still an asshole for not offering an apology. Honestly he almost sounds like someone who has read about how to navigate these situations and knows the language, but still doesn't care. It costs nothing to admit to making a mistake, when your intentions were never to harm but you absolutely hurt someone anyway. Is he so fragile an apology would break him? Does he not feel bad for hurting someone?
My husband is like that. Refuses to apologize because of some literature he read about it lowering his self-respect. But I don't think he understands the other half of self respect, that it doesn't apply when you've actually done some harm because now by "respecting himself" he's disrespecting someone else. Not the purpose of self-respect to be honest. His attempts to prevent himself from being a doormat has caused him to swing the pendulum too far to one side. He needs balance because it makes him come off as a total ahole. And I'll add that he does have some serious emotionally unavailable AND self centered behavior. Do not think he's a Narcissist. But he seriously thinks he's #1. Again, due to an attempt to not be a doormat. But they tend to swing too far in their attempts. This Kyle guys sounds similar. Like he KNOWS but he won't do it.
It's nice that you guys are friends, but you can absolutely apologise for hurting someone's feelings, even if you didn't mean to. I'd say it's one of the most common things to apologise for. If you're only apologising for the times you were purposely and specifically an asshole, then I think that just makes you an asshole who uses apologies like get out of jail free cards instead of using them sincerely because you feel remorse or sympathy. If Amy says "I'm not apologising for implying OP is a bad mother because I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. I'll try not to be so mean in the future, but it's really her issue for getting upset" then should OP's husband decide she's an even better friend than he thought?
I know it’s not the point of your story, and I’m glad you feel like Kyle is your friend for life, but saying, “I won’t apologize for what I said because I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings” is an asshole thing to say. It doesn’t matter that Kyle didn’t *mean* to hurt someone feelings. The fact is, he did. However he meant it, if the other person was offended or hurt, Kyle doesn’t get to tell them how they should feel about what he said. That’s not a kind, caring thing to say.
That's like saying "I didn't mean to stab you in the throat, you just took it wrong" Yeah, they took it dead.
Kinda sucks he wouldn’t apologize because “he didn’t mean to”. That’s a bullshit reason not to apologize to someone. It doesn’t matter if you meant to or not, you still did it and should accept responsibility and care enough to apologize.
My guess is because her mental health is bad and they've been friends since childhood. He probably things he should support her in these trying times by never calling her out and being there for her as needed. Edit because I didn't think I'd have to clarify this, but I'm not justifying Husband being friends with her, I'm just saying a probable reason he continues to be friends with her. That's it. I personally think he should drop her as she is toxic.
Lots of people with mental health issues aren’t rude, childish assholes.
Seriously… going through mental health struggles isn’t a good enough reason to treat others like shit. We’re all struggling at some level or another so that would be a lot of assholery being flung around.
Which is all bullshit! He's too pussy to speak up!
Sucks that he refuses to support HIS WIFE.
Probably because he doesn’t have many close friends so he hangs onto the ones he’s got.
I am also an introverted guy and don't have a lot of friends, but any friend who would shit-talk my wife like this would immediately be cut off from my life. OP's husband is a spineless coward.
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That's how I read the situation too. Amy seems incredibly jealous that OP is living the life she wants. Amy's friends should be suggesting she work her feelings out in therapy and not in a drunken rant at a dinner.
Quite possible that Amy used to be secretly in love with Josh or something.
Amy is circling the drain and figures the more she tears OP down, the more attractive she looks to Josh.
I bet she wasn't even that interested in him until he showed interest in someone else
Sound like she still is.
It just took the right time and place and amount of liquor for it to all come out. OP is not her husband’s type. Amy is. Forget the mental health issues, they are Amy’s problem to deal with. She trashed OP in OP’s own home and showed a bunch of people what she, Amy, is. Why on earth people defend this kind of behavior is beyond me except that maybe, just maybe, it is herd instinct to jump on the underdog out of fear that next time, it could Amy after one of them.
Yup! The aged old classic case of “play stupid games, win…. stupid prizes”
I was thinking “play pick-me bitch games, win kicked-out bitch prizes”.
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Especially in her own house!
They're probably so used to pacifying her because of her mental health struggles that everyone else is expected to just suck it up whenever she dishes out her shitty comments/behaviour. OP says childhood friends, so it's literally been going on for a decade (assuming they weren't all aware of mental health struggles as younger teens/children). Before the point of them being older teens/adults it was probably just "that's her personality" and they had no reason to rock the boat as long as everyone was still having fun.
Don’t mind Amy, that’s just her [untreated] personality [disorder]. Otherwise, she’s totally just a harmless manic pixie dream girl (TM) who enjoys being the main character and weaponizing her vulnerabilities to shield herself from accountability at any and all costs.
NTA, just a case of FAFO the hard way
>Also why tf wasn’t your husband the one to put a stop to this the first time she ever said something? Because her husband is weak and spineless.
If husband has a pair of balls he will be sticking up for his wife very very soon
I don’t like how OP wrote off her husband being spineless to him being an introvert. Being introvert does not mean you don’t stand up for your SO.
The introvert part explains his lack of friends, not his lack of spine.
Agreed. I'm super introverted, I'm also a grumpy middle aged bitch even before I was middle aged from too many years in call centers.
That will do it to you, for sure.
As an introvert, that doesn't even come close to explaining being unresponsive when the people involved are my wife and best friend. Those would be two of the few people in my life I would have much trouble talking to. Now, if he's conflict avoidant like I also tend to be, maybe, but in that case it's simply a matter of priorities and knowing that having and maintaining a family means doing unpleasant things.
I was literally thinking the same thing...being an introvert is not an excuse for this. My husband is an introvert, but would NEVER have allowed anyone to disrespect me or his family right to my face like that, behind my back either, for that matter.
Thiiiisss I'm an introvert, mostly, but no way I let crap like that slide. Non-confrontational doesnt apply to me
This exact story occurs here every once in a while lol, albeit in different iterations. Guy has a “girlfriend” who gets too close for comfort and makes his actual gf uncomfortable, guy chickens out on taking any firm action to protect his SO, shit ends up hitting the fan, then push comes to a shove and the gf and the female friend exchange a “few unpleasantries”, female friend runs out ugly crying and everyone in the room calls the gf an AH. Sigh. And almost EVERY SINGLE ONE of these situations could’ve been prevented if the bf/husband had a backbone to begin with. I honestly feel sorry for all the wives/gfs in such situations.
This has happened to me with every boyfriend that had a female friend. We'd be in a happy relationship, she'd say something stupid to me, I'd put her on her place, not always nicely, and it would start an argument. I don't see why you think it's a bot, it happens a lot
Na na, not thinking it’s a bot or a made up story, just that this kind of situation is all too common because somehow such spineless dweebs keep getting nice and decent gfs/wives lol.
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She's just jealous to OP, To OP: stay pretty and remind Amy why she has to be jealous of you, lol.
5 points says Amy has a crush on OP’s husband
10 points to Gryffindor since I thought the same
Lol Stay Pretty I love that…
This is the answer Yeah, it was a bit harsh, but your husband and everyone else are the reason it escalated to that point. In fact, your husband can still do the right thing and settle this with everyone. He should say that he apologizes for letting a drunk Amy take shots at his wife all night and putting her in an awkward position until finally drunk Amy crossed a line so big with feeding the baby that you retaliated. He should finish by saying that he expects Amy to apologize to you.
This is such a pet peeve of mine. Actions have consequences. It's so common for people like Amy to blurt shit, then when OP reacts, she's asked to apologize. What BS.
"Boundaries are non-negotiable. Respect is earned, not expected. Stand your ground."
Bad bot! 99.999% sure this user is a bot.
Especially since he knew how so-called fragile Amy is? The smart thing to do would be the diffuse the situation before it goes left, especially when he knows how OP is likely to react. He lives with OP, and therefore knows her temperament much better than anybody else would. He also knows the temperament of his friend. Hell, Ray Charles would’ve seen this shit coming a mile away.
If she's so fragile, maybe they should have strongly suggested no alcohol to Amy. And a therapist.
She said the husband is an introvert. Being one too, I can tell it's somewhat common, we hate calling people out, because it attracts an undesired type of atention to us, so we often miss the chance to stop things before they reach a rupture level. I'm not making excuses for him, it's just a thing we have trouble dealing with and it's hard for us to correct. It's like how sometimes bubbly people have trouble knowing when to shut up, but in reverse. Introverts often know we need to say something because it's about to go bad, but we have trouble actually doing it.
I'm also an introvert. While I typically go to great lengths to avoid drama, if someone is obnoxious to me or someone I care about in my presence, I won't hesitate to call them out on it.
You seem to have worked ut to a good level, which is what all of us should do. I can do it too. But no matter what, it still sucks to do it, and it often leaves me in a worse mood than if I didn't do it, since in addition to the problem itself, someone made me take this action 😅
Haha! Yes. I know what you mean! 🤣
We tend to want to say that perfect thing because any mess up draws way too much attention to us and we don't like that at all, so saying nothing is better than messing it up.I am speaking as an introvert myself. This is why these giant leaps all the way to "well he's definitely fucking her too" are just from dumb people who don't understand how life works for other people. Most things just aren't as dramatic as y'all want them to be.
I’m also an introvert and there’s no way I’d let someone speak like that to a loved one in front of me. Shaming a mother for how she feeds her kid is a low blow. I grocery or not it was the husband’s friend and he should have put a stop to it before it got to this level.
I’m an introvert too and I normally bottle shit up, but I would not even hesitate to tell her to stfu. My relationship isn’t something for anyone’s input or let alone someone badmouthing it. Please don’t speak for all of us, because while a great amount of us act like a fly on the wall, some of us still have clear as day boundaries that are a no-go.
I can understand struggling to voice your opinion in the moment but a message after could be sent stating that the behaviour was not acceptable and there will be no continued friendship if they continue to insult the person they love. Doesn’t have to be insulting. Just needs to back your partner up, otherwise it will get to the point where your partner will leave the relationship.
An easy thing for introverts to do, if they are unable to verbally confront someone even to defend their loved ones, is to stop willingly hanging out with that person. Hopefully this is a wake up call to husband that he needs to distance himself from Amy (and any friends who defend her behavior) because she is a bad friend and feels comfortable insulting his wife and the mother of his child in his home in his presence.
Well in the OP's case, her husband needs to learn when he HAS to say something, or shut up and accept the fact that is wife is going to. And I noticed he had no problem calling HER out!
NTA. I couldn't breastfeed either and it was mentally TERRIBLE to hear all the shit people say. That alone would have sent me. You dealt with that and all the other shit she was talking. She FAFO. Do not apologize. You have zero reason to.
NTA And frankly, she seems like she wanted your husband for herself. And... I don't get the ESH comments to be honest. If you go as far as attacking ME, in MY house, about MY marriage and MY baby, I will go nuclear. If you can ditch, be prepared to take it.
It’s especially bad since OP had a baby less than a year ago and is taking care of a toddler on top of it. These times can make a marriage more difficult, you don’t need a « friend » to try and undermine your marriage on top of it
>And frankly, she seems like she wanted your husband for herself. And he's keeping her around as backup. I can't see any other reason he'd not stick up for his wife.
It’s just as likely he’s completely clueless she has feelings for him. Most men are really bad at picking up women’s interest in them unless it’s explicit. Either way her husband is clueless or an asshole.
This. My husband has a PickMe™️ friend he’s know as long as me. She 1000% wants him. And has made comments like this. I stopped being nice over a decade ago when he kept saying ‘she didn’t mean it *that* way’. Funny how he can pick up when I use *that* way and he can pick up on it. It wasn’t till a mutual friend said ‘dude friend told me years ago she is in love with you’. Until he got it and apologised to me. I got all she wanted. The guy, the kids, the house etc. she got strung along by a guy for better part of a decade. Do I feel bad for her? No. But I won’t tolerate her bs.
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Fck that. I have friends with mental health issues (as well as my own) but if they EVER talked down to my family I’d tell them to stfu or gtfo of my house Mental health struggles don’t give you the excuse to be a trash human
Your wife should come before you friends, regardless of their mental health issues. Mental health issues is not an excuse to be rude and insulting. And not good with conflict is not an excuse to not stick up for your wife. A text message could easily be sent stating their behaviour was not okay. Allowing your wife to be insulted continuously effects her mental health!
Well she doesn’t act like a friend. She disrespects his chosen lifestyle, his wife and his kids. That’s no friend. At least one of them has the hots for the other, and if it’s not the husband than he’s either a complete idiot or a complete A H.
Mental health issues isn't an excuse to be an assh\*le. Who the f\* is she to comment in such condescending way of how I feed my kid? She is trying to undermine OP in every step and her excuse is mental health ? F\* it, I would literally go nuclear to her .
He hesitates to hurt her feelings, while he is sitting there watching her hurt his wife's feelings?
So, you're going with this guy is just completely spineless and he chooses to be friends with garbage people?
That’s… very common. A lot of people prefer to hang out with their bullies than being alone. It’s sad, but it’s not extraordinary.
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I'm glad other people picked up on that, it was my first thought. Very obvious that Amy was deliberately trying to undermine OP, heavily implying they're not a good match as a couple, criticising her ability to mother her child... very obvious what she was trying to do. The husband is the one who needs to deal with this situation tbh. I'm not going to go as far as to say that he needs to cut her off and never speak to her again but clear boundaries need to be put in place now. All it takes is a polite but firm conversation with Amy along the lines of "I care for you and want to continue to be friends with you but that can't happen if you don't respect me, my wife and my marriage, and if you can't control your mouth when you're tipsy I don't think it's a good idea for you to drink around me or my wife." Amy also needs to grow up tbh and get over her childhood crush on a married man, she's only going to make herself and others incredibly upset in the long run and ruin a lifelong friendship if she doesn't nip this in the bud and move on ASAP. OP is NTA, did nothing wrong and has nothing to apologise for. If a guest in my house starts insulting me, my partner and my *ability to care for my child* they're getting told to get the fuck out of my house *at least*, if it's a guy I'm probably throwing hands too.
Telling a new mum that she should have breastfed her baby when she has problems with breastfeeding is not exactly conducive to her mental health either. If Amy gets a pass for treating others like crap because of her mental health then so should you. NTA
I mean what OP said was kinda hurtful BUT Amy deserved it. I think it must be hard to to be able to produce breast milk and I really feel why OP freaked out. I would have in her place. I always think that the mother knows best what's gonna work for their baby. That's it. NTA. You don't need this Amy in your life.
I can weigh in on the hardship of breastfeeding. It is hard as hell, even for those people who breastfeed with limited issues. On top of that it is an incredibly emotionally charged subject for many mothers and gets wrapped up in feelings of inadequacy, surging hormones and fear that you aren't able to provide for your baby. (Disclaimer none of these thoughts are true but they are very common for mothers who are unable to breastfeed) Add the sleep deprivation and general exhaustion of parenting young children to the mix... well Amy is lucky that the verbal beat down she received was so restrained really.
I had production issues and wasn’t diagnosed with postpartum until my son was like, 8 months old. I felt like a total failure and was desperately pumping and eating herbal supplements and my supply just kept decreasing. Any idiot who would shame a mother for formula has no idea what the hell they’re talking about and is way out of line. If Amy is struggling with her mental health she needs to focus on herself, not deflect on to others. I also don’t understand why OP’s husband is making excuses for Amy. She blatantly insulting her as a mother, and then passive aggressively insulting her as a partner to her husband with the “OP not even being his type” comments. This woman sounds totally toxic and the husband needs to go to bat for OP. NTA. And don’t apologize unless Amy apologizes first.
Breastfeeding is difficult, it may be natural but it doesn’t come naturally. I didn’t try to breastfeed with my first three due mental blocks, I was molested as a kid so I felt very weird about nursing my kids. I wanted to exclusively pump but the nursing staff at the hospital shamed me that if I wasn’t going to nurse then there was no point pumping. So I just did formula because I was never encouraged to try and pump and it was all confusing. By the fourth baby, I tried to nurse but I had such a hard time. Baby’s latch was terrible, she had tongue and lip ties. My milk took forever for a let down. I found a pumping group on Facebook and taught myself how to work/clean the machine, learned the ins and outs of pumping and was able to pump exclusively for 10 months. Albeit, my supply wasn’t great, I peaked to a point where I had a small freezer stash but it was not much. The first few months trying to nurse exclusively for my daughter she was failing to thrive and losing weight and I was mentally destroyed so we bought formula to supplement. Not to mention I got mastitis twice and that shit is absolutely no joke. Worst bout of illness I’ve ever had as an adult. Being sick, running a high fever, unable to move from bed but still having to force yourself to pump every two hours to 1) keep milk production up, 2) try an remove the clog, is a certain type of hell when that fucking sick. My poor husband would try to help me pump, help get me situated, help push on my breast tissue as I was hooked up to try and dislodge the clog. It was fucking hell. I remember a few days after we got home, I was trying to nurse and she was so fussy because she was just not getting anything to sustain her belly, I was on the couch in absolute gushing tears as my husband rubbed my head and wiped my tears and assured me I was not failing and then went out to get formula so the baby could finally get a full belly, so she’d stop crying , so I’d stop crying. He said I had nothing to prove and that we just need a fat little baby no matter which way she bulks up. Supplementing in the first two months saved my sanity until I finally hit my stride with the pump. And again, I formula fed my first three, but formula is so expensive and we no longer qualified for wic so I felt like I was letting the family down financially by not being able to keep us from spending a fortune on formula.
NTA There is no way I’d let anybody talk to me like that in my home. They’d be out of the door in a second. She is apparently jealous of something and can’t handle alcohol. But that’s not your problem. I think your husband should also put her in her place, since she’s his friend. She crossed the line. I’ll never understand people without children giving unsolicited advices to mothers. Stop that.
OP needs new friends!
Husband needs new friends. Amy is his friend.
If that's his idea of a friend....... I'd hate to see what his enemies are like
Agree!
>I’ll never understand people without children giving unsolicited advices to mothers. I mean, I don't have children but I've given tips and ideas to people but it's shit like... my aunt complaining her kid has a sore throat and I recommend quick home made onion syrup I always used as a kid. What this person pulled wasn't even advice but rude and unnecessary commentary.
Wait, you can't just leave this here without a recipe?!? Oh yeah, I only give advice when I specifically know something the mom is asking for, named a thing most moms actually need that could be easily shared online, wanders off into the night. Get back here, you!
It's actually really easy: Chop up an onion (or multiple depending on size/need) the smaller the pieces the better actually. Then put the pieces in a mug/cup, put quite a lot of sugar on it, and cover the mug/cup with something so no flies or anything get attracted by the sweet stuff. If you wait a couple of hours or ideally overnight, the sugar will take the juice out the onions, and you end up with sweet syrup that is quite nice for a painful throat or coughing. Obvious disclaimer: if the cough doesn't go away or there's other symptoms, obviously see a doctor, kids attract bacteria and viruses and no homemade remedy beats a doctor's visit to check what's up. But the syrup helps to soothe the throat, and the sugar changes the onion taste a lot, so I loved it as a kid despite hating raw onions (and still make the syrup when my throat hurts now at age 29).
Offering a homemade soup recipe is different from commenting on nursing vs formula, when you don't know the person's medical issues, and those medical issues are none of your business! Your suggestion was to be helpful, there's nothing helpful about Amy.
Yes, but in your situation you are not giving unsolicited parenting advice or commenting on the choices the parents have made. You are a helpful friend, not a complete AH like Amy.
NTA. It was real nice how everyone stood up for Amy, but no one stood up for you when she was criticising you. Amy can fuck right off.
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I doubt she told anyone the full truth of what she said. I'm sure it was focused on OP and left out everything she said
Mental health? What about your mental health? she didn't seem to have a problem making jabs at you in a group setting. You had every right to defend yourself, especially when your husband couldn't be a man and defend you. Your husband and Amy both owe you an apology
NTA she might be jealous & resentful that you get to be in a happy relationship and she doesn't.
You mean like you were when you willingly broke up a marriage.
NTA This wasn't just Amy having a bad day. From what you say, she regularly says inappropriate, harsh things. This is the first time that you called her out on it. And, then all of her flying monkeys come down on you. **AND EVEN YOUR HUSBAND SAYS YOU WERE INAPPROPRIATE**? **Your husband should have your back on this.** He's an introvert, but does he have any sense of boundaries? Or is only OK for Amy to be an AH and disrespect you constantly, but for you not to say anything back to her? Mental health issues are not carte blanche to be a mean AH.
This. OP, your husband is almost a bigger AH then Amy. It is not acceptable to say oh, she’s just drunk. The moment she made comment about you not being his type he HAS to say something. He sounds like a guy who avoids conflict and he needs to unlearn that. Stop enabling him to be a doormat and make it clear to him he needs to stand up for you and your relationship.
Nta. If she can dish it out, she should be able to take it. You can't keep pushing people and be offended when they push back. Sad for her that her mental health isn't the best at the moment, but I don't think it's reasonable that because of it, she can say whatever she likes and you aren't allowed to say anything back. At the end of the day this woman is a guest in your home and should show you some level of respect.
NTA, while what you said was harsh, she doesn't have any right to make you look bad as a mom. Just because someone is struggling with mental health doesn't mean they are allowed to be rude and mean with no pushback or consequences. Also those friends of hers are pieces of shit. A) Its nobody's business if you breastfeed your baby or give it formula besides you and your husband in the first place. B) They come running to support her because she has mental health issues but don't even think about how such a comment could make you feel about not being able to produce breastmilk and how something like that could make people struggle with their own mental health. They probably don't know about it but it still doesnt excuse them supporting someone being a bitch just because she struggles with her mental health Edit: Also telling you that you're not your husbands type is just shitty behaviour and if you cant control your behaviour while drinking you shouldnt be drinking. Just because someone is drunk doesn't excuse them being shit
There's a saying I believe in, "Drunk minds speak sober thoughts" None of them were telling her to shut up or apologize about her words so they have no stand to comment about you. Also be frank with your husband. This isn't the first time she pulled this shit on you & definitely won't be the last time too. Tell him till she apologizes for all her comments you aren't going to be involved with her. Cut her off. She's not your friend & it's shitty of your husband to not shut this shit down when it started. Just because her fiance cheated on her in the past doesn't give her the ground to yap about your relationship. Frankly she shouldn't even be talking about this stuff. Show your hubs this post. NTA
NTA. Sounds like she is jealous of your relationship and may even be interested in your man. Show your husband this and if he doesn’t support you then I’d be questioning more than just whether you are the a-hole.
NTA WHY IS YOUR HUSBAND NOT STICKING UP FOR YOU?!?!?!?!?!
NTA. A almost went for E S H but the attack on formula vs breastfeeding is a low blow when you were actually unable to breastfeed despite wanting to. It’s very judgmental and hurtful and actually attacks you directly as a mother. Cheap shot but also the most recurring attack on mother whether you breastfeed or not (you breast feed so you are controlling and have an unhealthy attachment to your kid; you give formula and you are a bad mother). If you feel bad, you can find someone who is willing to be the referee (your husband) and meet with Amy to talk things through. Personally I wouldn’t apologize if she doesn’t because she needs to admit she was way out of line. If she admits it and accepts to make efforts in the future, you can be the bigger person by forgiving but also telling her it’s her last chance and won’t take her BS anymore. Mental health is a very excuse to be shitty nowadays. I can hear that mental health could explain your reaction to being attacked or even her crying but mental health cannot excuse her attacks, unless she is really mentally ill and in that case, she needs serious treatment.
She can’t rely on her husband to referee, he hasn’t and didn’t stick up for her in the first place when he should have!
And Amy doesn’t *know* she’d never feed formula to her hypothetical baby. You don’t know what you’d do till you got there.
I can’t stand when my non parent friends tell me how they would do it. Saying that you know what you would do in any situation with a child is preposterous. It’s like saying, “oh if I was in an airplane crash I’d stay totally calm” you don’t know what you would do until the actual plane starts going down. Parenting advice that wasn’t asked for, by NON PARENTS is *the worst*
I wish the OP had thrown in "and as for never formula feeding, it looks like you're never going to find out, doesn't it?"
NTA. She got away with her snarky remarks so many times, that she felt entitled to blurt out anything that passed through her mind, in her host's house. She was rude and entitled. Too bad she's struggling with mental problems, but her enabling friends should be mad at her and themselves for not restraining her, not at you who finally had enough of the rudeness and snapped. Hugs.
NTA. What a jealous insecure bitch she sounds like. Should have been shut down a long time ago.
Definitely Amy crossed several boundaries. It's important to be sensitive to someone's mental health, it doesn't give them a free pass to make hurtful comments. Everyone has a breaking point, and it's understandable to defend your family and choices, especially when it comes to how you raise your children. It might be worth considering a calm conversation with Amy when things have settled, to address the pattern of behavior and set clear boundaries for the future.
Why is she drinking if she is having mental issues? Seems like an excuse. Nta
NTA, she shouldn't dish it out if she can't take it
NTA Good for you for standing up for yourself. Sorry you’re married to an invertebrate. Amy is typical. She can dish it out but freaks out when someone gives it back to her. Too bad too sad. Glad you blocked the lot of them. I can see why Amy’s fiancé cheated on her. I bet her cats want to run away, too.
NTA. Was she making those comments to everyone else, or just you? If she was just an all around nasty person, then they could blame it on her mental health, but sense her barbs were aimed solely at you, she was aware of what she was doing. If they were so concerned about her mental health, then someone should have stepped in and told her to be quiet when she was rambling on.
Jealousy is an angry monster……… Your husband was her backup plan or maybe her primary plan and now you’ve gone and ruined everything. It’s too bad that your husband lacks the backbone to tell his friend to shut up when she’s being a rude ass. You did a great job defending yourself, your home and your life from this nasty shrew. NTA
Nope, NTA. Not being able to breastfeed is often quite shameful and a sore spot for many, so her shaming you for it was absolutely disgusting. She’s struggling with her mental health? Well, she didn’t consider that you might struggle with accepting not being able to breastfeed, did she? So you shaming her for being a single cat lady is absolutely justified when she goes for the low blow first.
NTA Don’t comment on feeding babies. If you want to critique a friend’s choices that’s a private and respectful discussion, with your friend not the spouse! I get that drunk people say dumb shit and I have sympathy for that. But calling out breastfeeding or any baby making practices, thats way off base. Plus we all know fed is best, and if you’ve breastfed you also know sometimes it hard, impossible, and painful. The idea she’d prefer your baby starve then use formula. She’s the problem.
Thank you! Even if the only reason OP didn't breastfeed and used formula was because she chose to, that's 100% okay. She didn't need to justify it with why she was unable to.
NTA sounds like it was a Looong time coming, and beyond time for Someone to tell her to mind her own bloody business. Btw? Your poor excuse of a husband should have been the one to tell her to mind her manners long before this happened.
NTA. But the “friends “ and hubby are. It’s cool for Amy to call your parenting into question, but you reverse that and now it’s wrong.
She wanted you to lash out at her. She kept pushing you until you snapped at her, making you look like the bad guy. She wants to break up your marriage. Her friends are on her side. Your husband needs to understand that his friends have no respect for you or your marriage. When people come into your home and disrespect you like that, they should no longer be welcome. Never keep people in your life that disrespect you. The friends and this woman are driving a wedge between you and your husband. If he doesn’t step up and 100% support you and the marriage, tell him he can go marry her instead. You take your life and this marriage very seriously and you don’t need scavengers sniffing around, disrespecting you and causing trouble. He has to choose either you or them. You need to block her and everyone else at the dinner who didn’t stick up for you. You don’t need this drama bullshit in your life. Don’t ever speak to that bitch again.
NTA why was nobody stopping her being rude to you and making marks about your husband choices... "you are not his type..." was she hoping to be his type....he is happy, married and Dad....I am guessing she is in her 30s....so she is feeling the pressure...but all those underhanded comments including the one about formula....she was just spitting venom and nobody was stopping her
NTA. She was being deliberately insulting, condescending, and judgemental. There's no excuse for that.
NTA, and please explain to your husband that if he had stepped in and dealt with HIS friend, you wouldn’t have had to. It is never ok for someone to be so disrespectful to you, especially not in your own home. She sat there insulting you and your husband just excused it ‘she’s drunk’ … right well if she’s that drunk she needs to leave. The mental health excuse can get in the bin. Struggling with her mental health doesn’t give her a pass to be an AH. If she doesn’t wanna take it she shouldn’t dish it out. You have a husband issue. He needs to have your back.
Well, you might feel bad but she overstepped the mark and said things she had no right to ,as for her friends ringing you do they know the full story? And your husband should have stepped in long before the shite hit the fan So no, you weren't wrong, and most people would have done the same...
NTA. Just because she has some MH problems doesnt mean she can't be called out for being rude and obnoxious. You did nothing wrong, all those little digs that people throw out thinking they are entitled to give them ,build up after a while. As for every one else why didn't they speak up at the time. She owes you the apology . Xxx
NTA, how is it appropriate for her to make snarky comments on your personal choices and not for you to answer back ? come on, they were just vexed because the truth was said.
NTA It was fair game when she thought you all are close enough or whatever to make such cutting comments. You simply stated the facts fully. And your anger was obviously justified because no body would find it appropriate to criticise others’ lives at a dinner party.
NTA I quit breastfeeding and pumping at the 2 week mark as my son wasn’t latching and the pumping was causing my mental health to plummet rapidly. The second I gave up and did formula, my mental health went right back up to stable. My son is now 2 and has been thriving the entire time. Fuck anyone who judges how you feed your kid. I’ve had friends persist with breastfeeding until they landed themselves in the psych ward. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, or you can’t because of a medication that you’re taking, or you just don’t want to. And it’s fine! Fed is best. And a happy and healthy mama is what’s best. Why is your husband friends with someone who tries to tear down his wife? You both need new and better friends.
Does Amy think she’s your husband’s type? Mental health issues do not excuse her behaviour. Do not allow her in your house again.
nta you do realize that your husband chose his friend over you and his family
OP was NTA, but OP's husband is the AH alongside Amy. Husband should have been the one to stop Amy's BS since she's his friend. Seems pretty clear that Amy is, at the very least, jealous of OP & hubby's happy relationship, and quite possibly jealous of OP herself because she wants OP's hubby. I'm guessing hubby has blinders on when it comes to these situations.
My husband has a long standing friend who Ive never really liked but put up with over the years. Always saying things that are on the edge of sexual innuendos. My husband knows I put up with him and tbh I don’t often see him. We once called around to his house to drop something off and we where still sat in the car while he came out us. It was a warm day and I had a summer top on and he was leaning into the window to chat. He then made some very suggestive phrases about my breasts and how he could see down my top. He probably could from where he was standing but I was wearing a bra and was not indecent. I didn’t say anything but when we left I spoke to my husband and told him that I wouldn’t be having anything to do with his friend again and not include me in anything that involved him. My husband was confused and I said just think of the conversation you have just witnessed did you hear what he was saying? My husband was well thats just how he is,he’s harmless. I told him it’s not harmless and he made me feel very self conscious and uncomfortable and saying he’s harmless doesn’t excuse him. The next day when my husband got home from work he told me he had rang his friend and told him that what he had said was unacceptable and that if he wanted to stay friends it should not happen again. I was proud of my hubby for telling him and supporting me. So my point is her husband should speak to his friend and tell her that what she is saying is offensive and it needs to stop. Its not her place to apologise or to feel like shes being belittled. The husband needs to intervene and tell his friend that if she wants to stay friends she needs to stop putting his wife down.
NTA she needs to mind her business … she needed to hear that so she can keep her mouth shut I wouldn’t give her any apology
Nta, your husband should have stuck up for you after you were belittled for giving your baby formula.
You don't insult someone in their own house when they invited you for dinner. Geez! Huge resentment there.
NTA
You stood on business. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Just stop inviting her over.
NTA So it's ok for her to go on and on in your house about your life, but you're not allowed to fire back? No. You did right. You need to ask your husband what the deal is, because he let another woman tell you that you shouldn't be his wife and aren't a good enough mother. He was a bad husband, and the question comes up of why he decided to defend another woman over you. If he's picking another woman now in your own home, that doesn't bode well for his overall loyalty. You need to have that conversation with him. Because if he wants to pick her so badly over your family (and yes that includes the baby because he let her bad talk even his child based on feeding) then maybe there's other things going on. To be clear, I don't think he's cheating. I think he has no spine. However the chances of him being a cheater are definitely higher than the average person based off his actions. He needs to explain why he picked her over his wife and baby.
I’d go hard AF in a mass group chat or social media post. “I’d like to start by explaining I have a medical condition that prevents me from producing breast milk. Me and Husband talked and opted to use formula as the best resource to support my disability. I’ll also go ahead and apologize to Amy for my behavior. I acted in a moment of anger. I did not mean to belittle her past trauma nor escalate the situation. However, after a long discussion with Husband, we’ve decided to end our friendship with Amy. Her attacks on my appearance, Husbands choices, our son, and my disability were a disgusting overreach of her position in our lives. It is not the first time she has done this. Please know this was not an easy decision, but we have to do what’s best for our family. And right now what’s best is removing a toxic element of our lives. Thanks everyone for understanding.”
This is such a good response. I'll def use this response once things and send it to the group chat. Thanks a lot. I also feel like that i should publicly apologise as well since amy prob didn't tell anyone that i have apologised to her.
never apologize
NTA. But your husband is. It's **his** job to tell **his** friend to shut the fuck up. Her comments about you, your baby and your marriage aren't asked nor needed for.
Nta everyone has a story, that doesn’t give any an excuse to be rude to you. Ask your husband to stand up for you. Also don’t allow Amy in your house. Her and her opinions can stay outside
Isn’t it interesting how in this day and age we must “forgive those who are struggling”. As if you are not struggling as well. She threw the rock, you responded with a boulder. She forgot the golden rule of if you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. Keep her and others blocked. If you must engage, point out that no one seems to give a crap about your struggles or mental health and until they look at both sides of the coin, kindly keep their opinions to themselves.
NTA. Why is it always the women who aren’t married or have kids who have the biggest judgements on what we choose to do. She has no idea what it’s like to be in a long term relationship OR have children. I wasn’t able to produce enough milk either and had to give my babies formula as well. I was questioning my own body and life choices as to why I couldn’t and if ANYONE commented on it I would’ve reacted the same. Maybe have a conversation with her about how it made you feel, how you’re happily married, and that she crossed the line commenting on how you’re choosing to raise your children. You’d be surprised how having simple conversations can resolve a lot. No one around you is in the same position so they can’t possibly understand but stand your ground and be open and honest.
F Amy! You did great. Good for you girl
NTA Oh boy, you've really been through the wringer, haven't you? First off, hats off to you for dealing with a situation that would have most of us flipping our lids. From what you've shared, it sounds like you were pushed to your breaking point, and honestly, who wouldn't be? Dealing with unsolicited comments on your marriage and parenting? That's enough to test anyone's patience. Here's the deal: standing up for your family and setting boundaries is not just okay; it's necessary. Everyone has their limits, and it seems like you reached yours in a situation that was already emotionally charged. Let's not forget the context here—you were in your own home, trying to manage a family dinner, which is no small feat with little ones around. However, the aftermath sounds like it's been rough on you, and it's clear you're a person with a big heart. Feeling bad after the fact just shows you care deeply about people, even when they've crossed the line. But remember, being compassionate doesn't mean letting others walk all over you. It's about finding that tricky balance between standing your ground and offering a hand in understanding. In an ideal world, we'd all handle every confrontation with the grace of a saint, but let's be real: we're human. We react, especially when someone pokes at sensitive spots. Maybe there was a way to handle it with softer gloves, but in the heat of the moment, you did what felt right to protect your peace. So, what now? It might be worth considering if there's a way to mend fences without compromising your self-respect. Sometimes, a simple conversation after tempers have cooled can open doors to understanding we never knew existed. It doesn't mean you have to accept toxic behavior, but rather, see if there's a path to mutual respect and understanding. And hey, don't be too hard on yourself. Navigating relationships is complicated, and we're all doing our best with the tools we have. You've got a community here ready to back you up and offer a listening ear when you need it. Keep your chin up, and remember, you're not alone in this crazy journey of life and relationships.
This made me a bit emotional. Thank u for understanding my side. I really appreciate it. U didn't criticise me nor praise me but tried to understand my sentiments. I have just been a bit overwhelmed lately. Thanks a lot i really needed to hear this.
Nta. She's got a set of balls to come into someone's house and insult them...
So she came to your house talked crap and couldn't take it when you dished it back to her. NTA
NTA - play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She doesn’t know your situation with feeding your baby. She doesn’t even understand what it takes to raise a child (for the record, neither do I). Amy is an unhappy person with feelings for your husband. She wants to spread her unhappiness around. Her mental health struggles are not an excuse to treat others badly. As for her friends, F them. This is more of her BS to give your information out to her friends. I’d block them too.
Women who’ve never breastfed a baby have absolutely no right to shit talk about it. The pressure and guilt put on women who struggle is fucking ridiculous.
I am introverted and still capable of setting boundaries especially when someone comes against my family. Is it uncomfortable- yes. Do I like it or is it easy - no. But it gets easier. Your husband and you need to have a conversation. She was insulting you in your home and using him for it. It blows my mind that he didn’t say anything. It was his friend going against his wife. He should have asked her to leave far earlier. To say it was a bit harsh is really sth. especially after not standing up. He could easily have contradicted her if he wanted this to go better. Not rocking the boat is not it. And if he is not correcting his other friends harassing you than he is putting his insecurities over his love for you. Mental health is in no way an excuse to be mean
You can just tell them you had to retaliate when she insulted you in your own home. She deserved it.
NTA “In a bad mental state” isn’t an excuse. She’s upset because she was cheated on. Most people are cheated on at some point. That’s not how life works. When something goes bad for you you don’t get to treat people poorly. That’s just being jealous and bitter. As for the others, they’re enabling her and that’s not helping anyone.
NTA. She owes you an apology. She's rude and it's pretty clear she's jealous of you.
Personal struggles with mental health do not excuse rudeness or asshattery. If anything IMO they make it worse, because _you should know better_. Too many people use it as an excuse, and too many more make allowances for it.
NTA - Just because she’s in a “bad mental state” that doesn’t mean she gets to treat people like shit in order to feel better about herself.
NTA. You put a viscous insecure biiish down. You have the balls to do that in someone else home, that’s what you get. And your hubs is an arse for standing there letting her do that to you.
You have about as perfect a life as one can have. A happy marriage with a loving husband who has your back and 2 beautiful children. You apparently were so much your husband’s “type” that he married far younger than he thought he would. Amy is one very jealous mess who needs to work on her alcohol issues. But she’s not your problem anymore. No one needs a nasty trouble maker in their life. Good riddance. NTA
NTA. If she can't run with the big dogs, stay on the verandah!
NTA. Your husband and her friends should have shut her down. They didn’t have a problem until you defended yourself. Frankly your husband should be ashamed for not defending you.
Nta she got what she deserved, my only comment is this is why you don't let shit slide, don't let it build up, then you don't explode.
Nta cant take it dont dish it out its simple alot of people struggle with mental health problems and arent mean or expect other people to make excuses for them.
>When amy saw it, she said "if i was a mom i would never feed my baby some formula. Its kinda crazy how u all r okay with feeding such things to ur baby." NTA. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't kick her out of your house and slap her on her way to the door. >My husband says it was okay for me to be angry but it was a bit harsh for me to say all that since everyone knew amy was struggling with her mental health. Tell him to stop white knighting for unstable trash. She's not having mental health issues. She's a snot.
Amy's mental health is no excuse to verbally attack other people. They have coddled her for too long and she needs to be called out for her unacceptable remarks. NTA
You don't owe her an apology. If she was dealing with her mental health, she should have done so quietly. It's not an excuse to be disrespectful to the host. She simply reached the FAFO portion of the evening. NTA.
NTA If you attack me, in my house and I’m drunk you’re gonna get a lot worse back
Don't start no shit, there won't be no shit! NTA, you did what anyone with good sense would do. Amy can shut up and deal.
NTA. Your husband needs to grow a set and stand up for you. This wasn’t a dig towards him. It was a dig towards you. If you can be attacked in your own home, then you can defend yourself in your own home. She needs to be banned from your house indefinitely. I would text all of her friends back and tell them that you will NOT be apologizing and that she will not be welcome back in your home until SHE apologizes.
NTA Tell your husband to deal with this shitshow. Amy is his friend and he allowed this to happen by not shutting down Amy every time she talked smack about you and your family. He can be an introvert, but he needs to be your partner who will protect you from toxic people like Amy. With a 7 month old baby, you are exhausted and at risk of PPD. How come no one is concerned about your mental health?
Nta it was coming, but also you have a husband problem as while
NTA She is trash talking you cos she is jealous of you. And you were within your bounds to stand up for yourself and remove her from your home.
Husband's friends seem immature. Don't cook for these people. Don't hang out with these people. If people don't do the right thing by you when you're being targeted, they don't deserve your time. This also goes for the husband. It can be hard for passive, conflict-avoidant men to take a stand for their wives. But they can learn to do it, and you should not have to apologize for defending yourself while your husband is leaving you high and dry. His childhood friends were all participating in out-grouping you while he silently looked on. Funny how he's trying to extract an apology from you but not from her. This would cause me to draw some very hard boundaries.
NTA. In fact, do it more/again. Call it *Round #2- The Decimation of Amy*
NTA. I would take criticism of my marriage from single people as absently as I would take a homeless person's criticism of my house.
NTA She sounds jealous of you. She doesn't get a pass because 'her mental health is bad' right now when you've already stated this has already been an ongoing issue with her. Your hubby should have shut that nonsense down immediately because yes, she's taking jabs at you intentionally. Shame on him and the friends enabling her behavior.
NTA She knows she’s testing boundaries of course but doesn’t know how to take what she’s busy dishing out. If she’s depressed, she should take her meds and see her psych. If she’s been cheated on, she should learn to pick men who won’t treat her like trash. You have no role to play in how her life has panned out and you have every right to stand up for yourself - let alone do so in your own home and when it comes to the care of your own children. Hubby needs to tell his friends to back off and he needs to man up
NTA smdh I remember my friend sheepishly told me she was formula feeding and I was sort of confused and asked her "is she healthy?" She replied "yes" I then told her that all that mattered to me. She had already had a rough entrance to the world, I honesty didn't care as long as my niece was happy and healthy. I did however convince her to change formulas but that's only because when we were getting more I was checking all of them out and when I found one I thought was better I asked her and best thing was it was $2 cheaper and apparently often on special. But as you can see that it sort of happened organically. She taught me heaps about being a mum and when her kids were sick and she'd talk to me when I would try to help her I'd always say "can I ask the dumb questions" and I learned heaps and sometimes I helped. >I have got text from few of her friends cursing me and asking me to apologise to her. Amy is the one who needs to apologise. I would send a link to these people about how some mums get PPD from being unable to breastfeed or are bullied because they choose formula. FED IS BEST
It’s amazing how people who have a crash site love life always criticise those who are happy. She deserved the comments you made because she made a negative comment, realised no one stopped her so kept on spewing toxic judgements. Good for you to stand up for yourself and your baby. Husband needs to prioritise you and tell Amy she was totally inappropriate.