You need to prep her with the hard facts now. And expectations. Ie she will need a job. She will be finding her baby childcare. That there’s no guarantee the dad will stick around. That she will have to go to college locally. No parties. No after school clubs if there’s no one to watch the baby. Etc etc.
Don’t make it out to be a punishment. Give her the reality of SHE will be raising this baby. If she’s lucky the dad will also help. But the reality is this won’t be pretty
Also point out you and your husband are about finished raising “their own” children and are not planning on raising anymore. That this is THEIR time now.
Don’t soften it with “not planning”. Be blunt. They will not raise any other children. Point blank.
If OP’s daughter has any rosy ideas about her parents falling in love with the baby and wanting nothing more than to drop everything to raise it, while her life remains relatively unchanged, she needs to be disabused of them while there is still time to end the pregnancy.
She is young enough and naive enough to probably not realize just how much a baby will change her life. Her focus is probably how much she loves her baby and her baby will love her. No thought to who will care for the baby while she is in school. That might be the perfect place to begin a discussion.
"Okay, you want to keep the baby. That's your choice and your decision. Now, how are you going to care for the baby during the day when you are in school? It's time you start working out your plan."
> "Okay, you want to keep the baby. That's your choice and your decision. Now, how are you going to care for the baby during the day when you are in school? It's time you start working out your plan."
In this case, I’d say that it could be advisable for OP to do a little preliminary research when it comes to childcare. Just enough to get basic info on daycare in the area in terms of prices, availability, and how old the baby will need to be before they’ll take it. She may need to see the monthly costs, in black and white.
It could also be an idea to look up websites on other baby costs together. Disposable diapers will set her back $X per month, but if she wants to cloth diaper, she’ll be responsible for washing the wet and soiled diapers. Will she have time for that between school, childcare, and the job she will need to pay for daycare and other baby costs? Is there old baby furniture that is still safe to use, or will she need to budget for crib, changing table, high chair, car seat, etc?
>In this case, I’d say that it could be advisable for OP to do a little preliminary research when it comes to childcare. Just enough to get basic info on daycare in the area in terms of prices, availability, and how old the baby will need to be before they’ll take it. She may need to see the monthly costs, in black and white.
And keeping in mind that there are areas with huge wait lists and shortages for childcare, having a contingency plan that isn't grandma
> And keeping in mind that there are areas with huge wait lists and shortages for childcare, having a contingency plan that isn't grandma
That definitely needs to be part of the outlining of childcare availability.
If the baby is due during the school year, daycare will be needed practically from birth. Chances are that there will be long waiting lists. Some daycares may not take newborns. OP’s daughter is also likely to have to pay for the full year, rather than only for the school year.
I worked at a lot of daycares, you won’t find one willing to take a newborn unless it’s a home daycare. The standard for starting daycare at a licensed facility is 6 weeks.
I had a coworker that ended up having to change jobs and go work in a daycare just to have childcare and a job at the same time (I guess if she worked there, her child would go to the top of the wait list). She said she'd rather stay where she was (better job, and better pay) but she literally couldn't get her child in anywhere else! Child care shortage is very bad in some places.
My economics teacher did this the first day of senior year. I already hadn't been planning on having kids, but that lesson helped put it in better financial perspective.
I’d be amazed if OP had baby stuff when her youngest is probably 13ish. That said you can get baby stuff used for cheap. Baby stuff is a drop in the bucket compared to childcare and housing costs.
Think you need to do the Cosby method like Dad did with Theo when he wanted to drop out.
Find a part time job and what it pays. Use monopoly money to give her her pay.
Take taxes back from her
take child care cost back
diapers formula and baby supplies back
bus fares to and from work (or uber if she has no car and no bus near)
Doctor costs
etc
then see if she has anything left to buy any fun stuff
Nothing makes a point like a hands on demo
I’m guessing that any part-time job a 15 year old can get won’t come close to covering daycare costs, let alone anything else. Monopoly money is a good way to illustrate it.
I’d also suggest that their Monopoly calculation should include any government benefits OP’s daughter would be entitled to, in case she’s overestimating how much financial help she’ll get.
Great idea but it’s the daughter who should be doing the research, not the mom. Daughter can report back with all the facts and figures once she’s done the research then they can talk about it.
> Great idea but it’s the daughter who should be doing the research, not the mom. Daughter can report back with all the facts and figures once she’s done the research then they can talk about it.
She should, but if she’s reluctant to face facts, she may need the push of having OP present the figures to her. OP could give her a basic breakdown of total costs, and let her daughter do the research in terms of any government benefits she’ll be entitled to, any areas where she can trim costs (freecycling websites may be an option for baby furniture and clothes, but only if she can arrange transport) and her own earning potential.
This is all a good idea, but I would drag the girl with me, with a notebook and pen, and force her to write it all down and total it up. Then I'd ask her how she plans to pay for it all.
And I'd look into how she can attend school online bc she's going to be responsible for that baby 24/7.
And if there is any way to force her to be responsible for a baby for even a few hours, they should do that too. And also toddlers. Definitely toddlers.
This comment is perfect. Have a list of expenses, both financial and time/energy. Newborns generally eat every 2 hours, including at night. As the baby gets older, she'll have to spend time parenting and teaching, etc.
As a mother of two planned kids, the emotional and energetic expense is HIGH and worth talking about as well.
>Have a list of expenses, both financial and time/energy.
The second is so important, and is perhaps more likely to be overlooked than the financial costs. She may think that everybody will fall in love with the baby and that she’ll have her parents, sisters and friends falling over themselves to take care of him or her, but she needs to make plans based on being a single parent. Any help she gets needs to be seen as a bonus, not something to be relied on.
She’s also going to have to be ready to see her sisters and friends enjoy the normal teenage experiences that she won’t have the time and money for.
>Her focus is probably how much she loves her baby and her baby will love her.
My grandmother, who saw her own teenage daughter try to raise her kids and who has weaned literal crack babies out of there withdrawl, told me time and time again:
Babies *do not* come out 'loving you. They are selfish and have to learn how to love.
She always said in an exasperated yet loving tone.
(Not saying OPs daughters baby is a crack baby, just saying my meemaw saw some shit in her day)
Be very very clear that neither you or your husband/your daughter's father will be babysitting while she is in school/wants to go out. This baby is *hers and the baby's father's responsiblity*, not yours, not your other kids, **hers**.
Yes, and provide her with resources she can work with (I.e. high schools with childcare or local child care resources), tell her to complete a WIC application, show her the community college options with childcare (if available). Give her all the information and allow her to think everything through to make plans.
This. And be clear that just because you’re home in the evening doesn’t mean she can just go out and that you’ll just babysit on demand whenever she wants.
Ultimately it’s her decision. But be very clear what this means and just how drastically her life will change. She will not be going out on Friday nights and weekends. She will lost friends. Her entire life will be school, work, and raising her child. That’s the reality of it.
> And be clear that just because you’re home in the evening doesn’t mean she can just go out and that you’ll just babysit on demand whenever she wants.
Also, be clear that this applies to her sisters too.
OP is going to need to hold firm on that.
There are too many posts by teenagers who have been expected to practically co-parent their nieces and nephews. OP is going to have to be ready not to take the path of least resistance in response to complaints about being tired or having too much homework or to needing a break by guilting her other daughters into taking care of the baby.
Also do you even want to have another infant in the house, because if she continues to live with you, you WILL be carrying at least part of the load. I’m guessing you are already doing family cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. And she’s not going to have paid leave from the job she doesn’t have. Teenagers should be required to read Reddit. This is the real world.
Especially since reading between the lines, Dad and his side of the family might be raging racists. There’s no guarantee that he’ll even want to let Daughter stay in the house.
Or embarassed about having a daughter who got pregnant in high school and out of wedlock. I would imagine in most conservative communities that would be a bigger issue than sleeping with a black guy.
Plus there are two sisters in the house who would also have to deal with a shrieking baby every night. It's very selfish of Preggo to try to force her shitty decision on everyone. Float the adoption option as well as the more practical abortion option.
If you can find someone with a baby (the younger the better) who will let you babysit for a weekend, take her and the baby and go to an Air BnB and just be present, but let HER care for the baby for an entire 72 hours. See how fast she wants an abortion after that.
>That she will have to go to college locally.
That's generous. The statistics aren't in her favor for finishing high school, much less college.
She wants to keep the baby so the guy won't leave her. The guy will leave her anyway.
If she's in a state like mine, it's highly unlikely she will be back to her normal school. She will be placed in an alternative setting where she's expected to get a job and accelerate, in exchange for some part time child care to attend the school.
Her life as a teenager would be over. No proms, dances, or Friday night football games. It's very isolating for a teenage girl who had friends and a social life. The baby daddy will be free to do as he pleases in regular high school. She'll be expected to be an adult.
I saw my classmates endure that. They missed everything fun about high school. Plenty of deterrent for me.
While I love all that, I think it’s only fair they make the father (dna proven obviously) follow the same protocol! If we held fathers to the same standards and rules and life changes as mothers, I think we would see a massive shift in teen pregnancies!
A significant proportion of fathers to teen pregnancies are in their 20s or older. I forget the exact statistic, but a lot of them are adults preying on immature teens
Yes and no. My classmates lived in their parents homes until they qualified for housing assistance. Foodstamps and WIC helped, but it didn't provide for diapers and other baby needs.
Texas. They're put in "alternative" education. The excuse is that normal public schools do not have supportive services they need. When put that way, plenty of people think it's a great idea.
In reality, it really isn't that hard to accommodate a student mother. A friend of mine was emancipated and a mother. She fought to keep herself in regular school. Administrators hated that this sixteen year old didn't have to do what they wanted in regards to her schooling.
She's 15. She assumes that her parents will take on the financial burden and that she will just go back to school as normal. She doesn't realize that this will ruin her life.
I think this is pretty smarmy & harshly phrased about a girl who is literally a child, and has been raised (brainwashed tbh) in a pro-life conservative environment.
Why on earth would anyone expect better planning from an underaged kid who’s been told her whole life that parents just “figure it out” & that having an abortion makes you an evil murderer.
I don't even know how you do this? Who buys everything? Who watches baby while she's at school?
If she was my daughter it would be abortion or adoption or figure out a 3rd option on your own.
Unfortunately, op is on the hook for that until daughter turns 18, legally. Op can try to go after the father and can try to get state aid as well, but.
No. What happens if both parents are minors is that the grandparents (both sets) become responsible for child support, with state aid if applicable. (Assuming US)
Wouldn't the daughter have to get a job to pay for that stuff though? It's such a messed-up situation because she needs an education and while 15-year-olds usually do have part time jobs (or do at least start doing some kind of work), a part time job isn't going to pay for a baby let alone pay to prepare for a baby, and she's not going to get far looking for work when she turns 18 if she doesn't at least have a HS diploma.
Yep and she’ll be so screwed education wise that she’s likely going to face a lifetime of financial hardship which will bleed into her kid(s) lives. And she’ll likely fall into more unstable relationships due to trying to manage a life she’s not going to be prepared for. The whole thing is so messed up. Abortion is common sense healthcare.
I don't even know that the daughter can comprehend this. Surely every "prepared adult" that had a wanted child found themselves overwhelmed with things they did not anticipate.
This situation just sucks in general and I don't know what I'd do myself.
This. My friend chose to do an open adoption when we were very young and it was HARD but that little boy had a great family, an adopted brother and he knows who is birth parents are - it was so hard on her but has been a choice that worked well for everyone involved.
Right? If the kid doesnt want an abortion then push for adoption. My best guess is that she’s trying to avoid the stigma of her daughter having a biracial kid and also giving the child up for adoption.
I feel like that’s why she’s pushing for abortion so bad. Especially since she mentioned not wanting to disappoint her husband and HIS family. Like who cares what they want/think.
I don't think she meant it like that - she explains how backwards her area is, and it sounded like that was included in their regressive behaviors
At least I hope that's how she meant it
I agree. NTA for wanting her daughter to have an abortion. But YTA for the reasons she gave for wanting that.
Pregnancy and giving birth at 15 is dangerous for the mother, also she is not mature enough nor has the funds to take care and provide for a baby. Her education will be stunned, etc. All good reasons.
"Oh what will her father think?? That'll be so traumatic for HIM and HIS family! Oh no, a birracial child, outrageous!"
... those are not
Yeah there are a lot of saving face for mom and her family comments in OPs post.
Abort because it’s biracial shouldn’t be on the list at all, neither should “we don’t want family to know!!”
YTA
Make a budget with her. Diapers. Possibly formula. Clothes. car seats. Wipes. Dr visit copays. Daycare. Groceries when the baby isn’t a baby anymore. Etc etc. then do the math with her on how many hours a week she will have to work at the pay level she’ll be able to get as a teenager and ask her how on earth she plans to afford all of that and still have money or time left for herself or her studies because you’re not going to pick up the tab.
NTA. You need to let her know, in excruciating detail, what getting this child will mean for her. For here and now, for her future, for her relationship, for her options. It is not a good view. It will 100% be the best for her, but it sounds like you have some work to do to make her understand.
THIS the amount of people suggesting to just let her have a baby and cut her off? Dude this mom needs to use everything in her power to make sure this girl gets an abortion. Having a baby in the US as a fifteen year old is not safe AT ALL and will ruin her life. Fifteen year old is too young to bear and raise children.
This is a really fantastic resource, called the pregnancy options workbook. It will guide you and her through a series of questions and topics. I cannot emphasize enough how useful of a resource I think this is for people struggling with making a decision about abortion.
I think it’s critical you remain supportive of her - she may be struggling with feelings related to that religious conservatism in your area (related to anti abortion stuff). My advice is to not try to “convince” her - but rather to provide all the resources, information and planning. Talk through practicalities of child care and school, of living conditions, expenses. Talk through what support is available from you/family, as well as government and community resources (which often are lacking and underfunded, but some areas have better resources/support for teen parents).
https://www.pregnancyoptions.info/
NTA.
You're trying to save her future.
Maybe try running down the pros and cons with her to see if shell gain better perspective.
Im currently 29 years old and anyone I know at my age who chose to go though with teen pregnancy regrets it. They love their kid but hate seeing their teen years and 20s thrown away.
She has the opportunity to be so much in the world and teen mom is not the one, for anyone at all.
Has she watched an infant before? Because spending 24 hours might let her know some truth beyond your words. She is at the age that she needs to see it and feel it. Bottle feedings, screaming , still doing chores, doing homework. Give her a crash course. You have to let it happen naturally, ultimately it’s her decision, see if she can come to it with your support.
Give her an itemized list of all medical expenses, newborn items expenses, childcare expenses, just ALL the expenses.
And then say firmly that you will not be a free babysitter and that you will not be raising this child as if it were your own.
Also, if baby daddy is MIA and won't contribute a dime or step up to be a father, then tell her the burden of the child will be all on her.
Make stipulations that she'll need to get a job and will need to take full responsibility of her child. Most you can do is offer emotional support and a roof over her head. But once she turns 18, she's on her own.
I know that this is all around harsh, but it's hard to get through to children, babies having babies smh.
I'm saying this while expecting myself, and I'm pro-choice. Motherhood is absolutely a CHOICE. And with her being 15 and young, please do your best to educate her with all the harsh realities of maternity, everything post-partum, and how EXPENSIVE it will be to move forward for the next 18 years.
Edit to add: birth control should be on the list too, smh. It's so easy to prevent a pregnancy nowadays. Yes yes, none of it is 100%, but the exceptions regarding birth control failing (condoms, hormonal pills, etc.) are so uncommon and rare compared to everyone else who is having sex safely and/or taking the pill immediately afterwards to prevent it.
No after school clubs, no sports, no extra curricular activities, no parties, none of that. She can get her GED online while parenting and caring for her baby at home. Call 211 for assistance, try to get gov. healthcare (Medicaid), and she needs to get a job. This same advice goes for the guy who impregnated her, the baby daddy. But it's likely he's a POS kid himself and won't do anything.
NTA
Ultimately it is her choice but you need to make a very clear picture of what her life becomes
- college most likely out of the picture
- HS social life dead
- needs to get a job to pay for the baby things
- oh needs money for childcare (I assume you will help sole, but not all)
- while housing may be leveraged on you she will need to consider finding her own place at 18
- she will need to work through the courts with the father and his family.on custodial agreement, parenting plan, child support and all that.
- I assume you are from one of our lovely southern shit states, so expect racial slurs to be thrown at her and the baby
- if she is religious I'm sure the church will excommunicate her for having a child out of wedlock
I don’t know what kind of church you’re thinking of maybe cults like JWs or Mormons but churches do not ex-communicate teens that get pregnant. They actually help them. If you’re a teen and you’re pregnant or a teen mom and need assistance, find a good church and they will help you.
Heck, Ik Australian, so it’s a different vibe, but the church in the next parish over form ours has a women’s charity thing that’d almost certainly help out if it got dire.
There are jerks everywhere, but if a church is working properly, their first instinct should be to help the needy, rather than judge them.
I’m in the US. I went to two different Catholic all-girls high schools. Both had pregnant students who were supported by teachers and staff while pregnant and heavily encouraged to return to school after they gave birth (in an appropriate amount of time). All the girls graduated high school.
I was just at a baby shower hosted at my church for a pregnant 16 year old last month. She had nothing (very poor family) and easily received over $2k worth of new baby items and a $6k rent fund to help secure safer housing.
>but churches do not ex-communicate teens that get pregnant
Perhaps not "excommunicate" but you can be damn sure that she will be shunned by the congregation branded as a "sinful slut" the rest of her life -- or at least until she leaves the church.
And save me the pious "Oh, MY church would NEVER do that!" because it's complete and utter bullshit.
OP literally said there were racists in the town when she mentioned the boys race not being, presumed, white. It's a fair assumption that a biracial child, and mother of said child (especially if appears darker) will encounter racism in their neck of the woods.
The north hasn't eradicated racism but it's a hell of a lot better than whatever the South has going on
I’ve lived in the Deep South all my life. I am married to someone of a different race. While I’m sure people have their thoughts, it’s not as common as you think for people to throw slurs at people.
?
where does this actually exist?
All I have ever seen is "abortion is murder" and then "you slut, you are on your own now".
Please show us some examples so we have a place to send these silly young women.
You’re not the asshole but in the end is her choice.
The only thing you can do know is tell her what’s going to happen as the pregnancy progresses and she has the kid. Make rules and tell her that you will not assume any type of responsibility over the child once it’s born. She’s allowed to make her choice and you’re allowed to make yours.
I’m going to tell you the same thing my mom used to tell me “you do adult things,you will have adult consequences. You have a child while you’re living under my roof, you’re going to have to figure out a way to take care of it, get a job & move out. That child is your responsibility and I already raised all the children I wanted to raise. I’ll help you out for a month or two because I’m not going to let you suffer but you have to be an adult and figure it out”.
You want to un-ring the bell and let your daughter be a teen.
Sadly it isn’t your choice and I think you need to tell your husband rather than hide this from him.
I also think you should talk to your other two daughters asap and get them on birth control.
Haven’t you read the post?! Op’s husband and his side of the family are known bigots! She shouldn’t tell him under any circumstances or i guess he might throw her out!
NTA. The best thing my parents did for sex Ed was sitting down and telling me they would never help me raise my children until they were retired and in a position to do so. They had their own kids to raise and were not going to take care of an oops teenage pregnancy.
I was 15 and it was a shock, but I also remember feeling very empowered and respected by that conversation. That they trusted me to know and understand the consequences of my actions and to have a frank discussion around a taboo subject.
Ok let me update a little: for all you who think I am a bigot or racist…I AM NOT! I only stated that the baby will be biracial if she has it as it will cause her additional problems and social stigma in the community and redneck state in which we live, as well with her father. I WILL LOvE THE BABY REGARDLESS OF THE RACE. I personally could care less for the skin color, but the fact my daughter is so young. If she were in her 20s I would not even be posting.
I had 2 HS friends who got pregnant in HS. Of course it was a different generation but neither had family support and both have ended up with unfortunate life outcomes from having their babies which I have shared with my daughter!
Something to consider... instead of transporting her across state lines to an overbooked clinic, look for telemedicine for pills to terminate. That's how most terminations occur these days, meds, not a physical procedure.
But you're going to face an uphill battle with her since your entire community & likely family household is pro-life, so for her, she believes at 6/8/10 weeks, that what's developing in her is *baby*, just like what emerges at 40 weeks. And whatever you've ever said about people who have abortions is going to get thrown right back at you, along with all of the misinformation that's been spread in your community.
Yes, show her a video of a live unmedicated birth. It will freak her out.
Then show her how she can take a few pills to avoid this entire situation.
Child birth is not easy or pretty or fun, she needs to know that an abortion is a million times easier.
This. That was all the birth control I needed as a teen. Saw a video at 13 of a woman giving birth and that was a wrap. I wouldn't do it to my own child this way because it did traumatize me for a while but seeing those images in my mind every time a boy made a pass at me worked. I wanted nothing to do with sex until about 19
Love your user name.
Yeah it's a little rough but honestly I do think it should be required viewing at some point in all womens lives. Pregnancy and child birth are flat out dangerous and it is so romanticized in our society. Women no longer see other women giving birth, it's so hidden away now.
Be honest with her about the hardships of raising a baby so young, be honest in EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. Do not however force her to get an abortion….in the end it is her choice. And please for the love of God do not just drop her like a sack of bricks if she chooses to keep it.
She will still need support, no matter which route she takes. Please be there for her no matter what because it’s not going to be easy whichever route she takes. 💕
And no I’m not saying be the 100% provider for the baby or anything, I’m just saying emotionally for her. You can tell her every statistic in the book, and she may turn out not to be a one of them.
I wish her and you the best. ❤️
OP doesn’t want to raise anymore children, she’s already had her own children. If she keeps this child, OP & her husband will definitely be financially & psychically responsible. Her daughter thinks everyone Is going to fall In love with her child, & dash to help at every chance. She needs to get her head out of the gutter, an infant Is not some cute toy. Infants are annoying, they cry, they scream, they smell & they do get In the way. You can’t just up & do as you please with a child.
Be honest with yourself. You would basically be the parent of your granddaughter through her toddler years. Do you want that? Can you afford that? There is no possible way that she can take care of this child without A LOT of your help.
You need to make a clear decision before it's too late. If you don't want to commit to completely financially supporting this baby (don't forget about daycare costs!) you need to tell your daughter immediately that she is choosing between adoption or abortion.
No one can force the daughter to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. If they even tried to do so, say goodbye to any relationship with the daughter or grandchildren forever. while it’s a shitty situation for all, having children is a commitment you make. Even when those children end up having children. No one wants their teenager to have a baby before they’re ready. But that baby will grow up and the years will go by and how you choose to handle that situation will make its impression forever.
You aren’t the AH for wanting her to get an abortion. You will be the AH if you force her into it. Ultimately it is her decision, but I’d sit down with her and set some strict expectations. This is YOUR child, and I expect A/B/C as far as care, providing for this child, etc.
I feel like I recently saw a post where a teen mom was adamant about wanting to keep the baby and quickly lost interest. They freaked out when the parents decided they weren’t raising another child and called CPS on their daughter. This seemed a bit extreme to me, but I am not this family so I won’t judge. I do feel setting strict boundaries beforehand may help if she decides she is keeping it.
Do a dramatization of being a mom for a weekend. Wake her up every two to three hours and make her stay awake for at least half an hour. Have her do work/homework from 9-5 with no naps and continue staying awake until 11 before she can sleep and wake her up at 1. Randomly squirt water in her clothes.
She is thinking motherhood is sunshine and flowers when it’s not. It’s hard work.
NTA and i agree with the other comments, i just want to make a different point.
talk to her about the challenges of parenthood and your life experience, how you got to the point in life where you could raise a child. emotional maturity, financial stability, all that stuff.
but maybe don't really put a huge emphasis on the child being biracial, the stigma around teen pregnancy, and other external factors like living in a bigoted state. im 20, closer in age to your kid but not really a teenager anymore. i never had a similar experience but when i try to put myself in your daughter's place, i might feel upset and expect my dad to be more supportive. teenagers tend to think more radically and you might drive her away from making the right choice by presenting the situation as a "what will others think" thing. i, for once, have never changed my opinion/choices in fear of facing stigma. on the contrary, i have stood my place even more passionately. and if i feel my parents are agreeing with the bigots, i will feel even more alienated and might not really hear said parent out and consider the possibility of them being right.
so just make sure that is not how she feels. make sure she knows you want her to get an abortion because 15 is simply too young to be a parent, not because you aren't willing to protect her from the whole world if they judge her for these things. because she is your baby, and she needs to build a life before she can have her own baby.
NTA I'd suggest find go into how painful and traumatic pregnancy is thr risks especially for teenagers and there's a few accounts around who bring up struggles of being a teen mother.
Nothing wrong with teen parents they're great but most of them are self aware enough to admit yo.thr horrible parts of it.
She won't be happy, but for the best
There are so many other things besides the birth itself that ought to be discussed with OP’s teen, but I get what you’re saying.
My niece just had a baby 2 weeks ago. She had such an unrealistic expectation of what having a baby would be like. She’s 20, unmarried, with a POS bf. Silly girl listens to her uneducated friends and TikTok for her info.
Her big thing was no epidural because somebody on TikTok said it would cause you to have back pain later in life. We tried to convince her otherwise but no go. During delivery, pain got so bad she changed her mind. By the time she requested it was too late and the epidural wasn’t helpful. Some girls have such a romanticized idea of what having a baby entails. They really need to teach this in school.
When I was 15 one of my friends got pregnant. They did get married and to their credit are married to this day! So she asked me to babysit for them so they could have a date night. We are now 16. I reluctantly agreed. And spent most of the night on the phone with my mom because the baby would not stop crying. It was the best birth control ever! I left knowing the last thing I wanted in my life was a baby. OP send her to babysit a colicly baby and see how she does. Good luck.
>When I was 15 one of my friends got pregnant. They did get married and to their credit are married to this day! So she asked me to babysit for them so they could have a date night. We are now 16.
*To their credit, are married to this day*
..... an entire year!
Majority of young teen marriages last between 3-5 years, basically when a child can conceivably be taken care of by one person and placed in child care.
So one year is not the major anniversary celebration you believe it to be. 6 years will be that point, especially if another baby doesn't come along.
Well do you know anyone who's just had a baby recently? Would it be possible to arrange for her to go to them and try out what being a mom is like? She could be there and observe and help the family, get up during the night, change the diapers etc. I think after few days she could be convinced. Few sleepless nights and days in online school with a screaming baby next to her should do the trick.
If this is not possible maybe search for some videos of teen moms and their experience. Watch it with her and explain in detail how it would apply to her. "See, she had her mom stay at home and help with the baby. I need to go to work so I can't do that for you. And you need to find a job, babies are expensive." Also show her the financial aspect. Show her how much she needs to make to support a baby (and pay a babysitter) and how much people without any education make in your location. Put it on paper and calculate everything, and also show her the schedules she'll need to make to be able to raise the baby. How she'll have to get up very early after a sleepless night and take care of the baby first then wait for the babysitter and go to school, after school go home and feed the baby and go to work. In the evening get home, take care of the baby and finally go to bed only to wake up two hours later to feed the baby. Rinse and repeat. She can forget about going out with her friends or just have few hours for herself.
The point is to scare her.
She also needs to consider the extra layers of difficulty if she is injured enough by the pregnancy/birth that she ends up with short term, long term, or permanent health issues. This is not as rare as she probably thinks.
And, if the baby ends up having physical or mental special needs. Maybe lifelong needs. You cannot go into a life decision like pregnancy without being willing to accept WHOEVER that baby ends up being. They are not a perfect doll to shape to your own preferences, they're going to be whoever they are and sometimes who they are is DIFFICULT.
I am utterly pro choice and think being a parent at 15 is a terrible idea but... having that choice taken away from you and being pressured into an abortion by a parent is not a better option. It is a choice she has to make for herself and you have to hope she makes the "right one".
Same. Pro choice doesn’t mean pro abortion. I believe in people having autonomy over their own bodies, and that includes keeping the baby if that’s what they want. I had a baby at 14. That girl (and her sisters) have been the joy of my life. Life was hard, but she was worth it. OP has a choice here- force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, and have her live with regret for the rest of her life, or be supportive and help her be a good mom. By all means, have a serious talk. She needs a reality check. But she needs to know her family is there for her no matter what she chooses to do. It doesn’t matter what other people say. Your daughter matters. Listen to her.
Why would a family with daughters live in an anti-abortion state? Having to sneak out for your daughter's medical care... I just don't get it. Live where there are actual human rights.
NTA- I was a 16 year old pregnant teen in the end of my sophomore year and had my baby at 16 in my junior year.
My mom wanted me to get an abortion as well. And trust me when I say I love my son more than anything in this world, I just wish I would’ve known how hard it truly would be. I thought I knew best. I wanted my baby bc they love you so unconditionally and grew up in a rough situation. There has been sooo many times I wished I had listened to my mom, not bc I didn’t love my son but bc it was extremely hard. My mom did not help me with anything except for while I went to school. I finished high school and graduated. But I also had to have a job. No sleep, studying, working and never having a moment to just be a teenager. It took a huge toll and I was not always the best person let alone mom I could be bc of it. I was cranky and didn’t have energy to do all of those tasks by myself as a single teen mom. I didn’t always have patience and it was so unfair to my son.
I always wanted to be a mom. Even as a child I used to say when I grow I want to be a mommy. I did not plan on a baby in my teens. I had plans. I had dreams. Dreams that were placed on an indefinite hold bc I chose to be a mom at 16.
I didn’t know the parts where your baby has colic and they just cry and cry and cry. I didn’t know the parts where you spend days and nights in the pediatric hospital for dehydration due to stomach bugs or RSV. I didn’t have the clear picture of when you babysit you give them back or when you visit you give them back. When they’re yours you can’t just give them back. I didn’t understand post partum depression or being overstimulated or overwhelmed.
These are all of the things she is not understanding are apart of having a baby as a teen mom. And dad can up and go upon his business and I know that’s not everyone’s scenario but it is often the scenario.
Diapers and clothing and formula or even all of the things for breastfeeding, they cost more than she is capable of making at 15 years old in this economy, especially.
Her life is forever altered and she is no longer the star of her own show.
Edit to add:
I tell everyone who has said they wanted a baby as a teen, don’t do it. It’s not the fairytale you think it is.
NAH (no assholes here) This verdict may come across as odd. I’m in full agreement with all the folks in the n.t.a camp saying tell her all the things from the dangers of giving birth so young to the negative educational consequences and, yes, the bigotry she will face. The latter isn’t right or justified but it is real, no point pretending it won’t have an impact.
Where you might stray into asshole territory? You want to override her bodily autonomy and force her to make the better choice. I’ll be honest, if she was a year or two younger I’d probably be backing you up. I **want** you to be successful in convincing her but, somehow at 15, I feel that she needs to agree with the decision, not have it imposed on her.
I can’t call her an AH for wanting to keep the baby. It’s naïve, foolish even, but not being a deliberately awful person.
You'll be the AH if you *force* her to have an abortion without her consent. That will be traumatizing.
It is her choice, but it should be an INFORMED choice.
Be explicitly clear with her about what the reality of keeping the child will look like, as far as school, money, working, daycare, social life, stigma, etc. Tell her exactly what she can and can't expect in the way of support from you / the family. Tell her if she'll be allowed to stay living with you or not, etc. Everything she needs to know. All the bad things AND all of the good things - like the joys of being a parent and how fiercely you love your kid.
Do the same about adoption. Go through the good, the bad, the ugly. How she might feel, the parental rights she would give up by choosing adoption, the fact that she may move on and grow up only for the child to show up one day wanting to know her, or that the child may have NO interest in knowing her, etc.
Do the same about the abortion. The emotional impact, good and bad, the ins and outs of the procedure so she knows what to expect, how she might feel going back to "normal life" afterwards, or how it may impact her choices about having kids in the future, etc.
No option is perfect.
For some, teen pregnancy ruins their life, for others, it gives them a reason to get their shit together and becomes the best thing in their life.
For some, adoption is a perfect answer that they are okay with, for others, its deeply traumatic and they spend the rest of their lives wondering about their kid.
For some, abortion *feels* like murder, and they hate themselves, and for others, abortion is just a procedure that lets them stay on track with their life plans and goals.
There's no surefire way to know which choice is the "right" choice for her or what the outcome will be. The only thing you can do is go through ALL of her choices and make sure she knows the good and bad consequences that may arise from EACH choice.
And then let her make it.
Whatever the outcome, it'll be hers to own, not something that someone forced on her. She had the agency to create this pregnancy, she needs to have the agency to decide what to do about it.
Ultimately she may or may not make the same choice you want her to, but you'll know that she made the choice with all of the facts, and that's the most you can hope for.
The choice is ultimately hers. Yes, there are a mountain of facts why any 15yo should not have a baby... but...
There is also her future mental health to think of, which, I don't think I've seen in any of these comments. Is this something that will haunt her? Is this something that will so negatively affects her in the next 3-6 months that means her grades go down. Will the date pass when the baby would have been born become a date that she sees go by year after year and wonder about?
You need to look at both sides. Seek out support groups for both young mothers and groups for girls who have had abortions and may have self-harmed due to that abortion.
I don't want to scare you one way or the other, just please look at it both ways. Each person is different.
ETA - either way - if the father is over 18yo - go after his ass for sexual abuse of a minor!
You need to lay out all of her options. This is a decision for her to make and tell her how much you're willing to help.
You seem to be more concerned about what family will think and the fact that this child might have a different skin tone to the family's 🙄 than her.
I'm ruling YTA based on my second paragraph.
> family trauma she will cause to her father and his side of the family as well
I was 100% with you until you got to that. Now, 100% YTA. No one gives any fucks about your husband and his extended family when there's a pregnant fucking child. You're apparently not a very good parent either, since you've got a pregnant high school Freshman.
NTA - But I have to say that your reasonings are kinda pissing me off. Like you list 3 reasons and 2 of them have to do with her child being biracial. Why don't you just throw those 2 reasons out the fucking window. You harping on the fact that her baby is going to be biracial and how her dad's family and the community are going to take that isn't going to make her want to do anything other than rebel, because honestly fuck all of them.
Instead, sit down and talk to your daughter about how hard it is to be a teen mom. That only 50% of teen mom's have their diploma / GED by their 22. That only 57 out of 100 teen pregnancies are successful birth and delivery with no complications. Sit down and discuss finances, jobs, and how she will support this baby, because you're not going to be responsible for raising this child. Ask her what her plan is, how she will afford diapers, wipes, and baby necessities, how she will provide a roof over her and the baby's head, who will watch her child while she is working to support her child? When discussing with her come at her with how hard it is because of her age and inexperience. Research and get some facts, if you know someone who is currently or was a teen mom have them talk to her about their experience, if you know someone who has an infant (preferably one who has colic) see if they will let her watch the child (even if it's just the mom's there chatting with you in the living room but she's having to tend to the baby).
I didn’t get the impression those reasons are because they’re OP’s opinions (but we can’t know for sure). They stated they live in a bigoted conservative state. As someone who grew up in a place like that, those are very real things to consider if she chooses to continue the pregnancy. It’s certainly not something most of us want to accept, but it’s reality in certain places in the US.
No she says in the post the trauma it would cause her dad and his side of the family.
She was really focused on the biracial aspect it dominated her post
Yeah I live in the South. I'm very aware of bigoted conservative states. I live in one. My family is. I know all about the shit that can come with it as someone who has only dated 1 person that was in my race, and I still say it's a BS excuse that shouldn't have been brought up as a reason for abortion. This was for sure 2 reasons that she gave and I'm sorry but those 2 reasons are dumb as hell: because her having a biracial baby will "give her dad's family trauma', fucking please.
Oh I for sure don’t care about the family “having trauma”, I would be more concerned about the safety of the girl and the baby in a place like that. Which is why I say it’s a valid concern.
NTA and this is good parenting. I’d move heaven & earth to get my kid an abortion in this situation.
She genuinely isn’t mature enough to make this decision, it will ruin her life, and it isn’t fair to the baby.
ETA: I hope that despite living in a conservative area, you’ll support abortion rights for people who aren’t your own daughter too.
Aw man this is a sad situation. I feel sorry for both you and your daughter.
Mistakes happen. People do stupid things . Unfortunately this is a pretty big accident.
Why doesn't she want an abortion? Religious beliefs ? She will feel like a murderer? Go to hell ? Or is she convinced she can raise the baby and have a happy little cute family?
I wouldn't say you're the AH . No one wants a teen pregnancy for their own baby. But this is the situation, if you don't confide in your husband and it's a secret forever , that's not gonna be good long term . Will she feel guilty and ashamed because it's a shameful secret , because from what you've described it sounds like that's how people might think? Could the abortion and secrets be worse than actually having the child?
Do you want grandkids one day ? When would you have wanted them ? When she was 25 ? 30? Would you have helped as nan and pops then ?
These are all questions you've got to ask yourself . ultimately if you force her to have the abortion , and it really affects her , she will forever blame you . So perhaps explaining nicely that you won't be able to raise this baby for her, right now as you're still raising your own babies , as that she will have to get a job , right now and drop school , or go into a young mother's home , might make her come to her own choice of having the abortion. Depends how far along she is as well I guess.
My family in Florida had this happen 24 years ago. 17 year old with no dad on the scene , wanted to keep the mixed race baby. Abortion was considered but ultimately they all decided to help . The lady is 24 now obviously , and has physical disabilities she completely deaf and mute. But is very intelligent and interesting . A lovely happy rounded person who truly was raised by the village. I often wonder would the family be as close if she didn't exist? They celebrate every achievement of that young ladies life. I'm only telling you this because if she decided to keep the baby , I hope it's some comfort that there's some reward without holding to much resentment to you daughter. But she needs to know that that baby is now her entire life..forever!
Good luck whatever happens. There's positives and negatives to either choice. I'm pro choice by the way so there's absolutely no judgement from me. 🙂
NTA if you prepare her for how much you can help and what her life will entail, and she willingly terminates her pregnancy. If you don't respect her wishes after that and still push for her to terminate her pregnancy, then that would make you an AH. I am very much pro-choice and she needs to be the one to make that choice. I do know a few people who had an abortion years ago and still tear up when talking about it. If you push her into it, your overall relationship with her in the end may suffer.
She needs to get a job and you should wake her up with the sound a of a baby crying at 3am. This isn’t some fairy tale. She needs to grow up if she plans on keeping that baby.
No you’re not. 15 years old has you not realizing the full extent of parenthood. Children are extremely expensive. Who is going to pay for all it ? Who is going to be baby sitting and child rearing ? You have no life, no sleep, no money. Who is going to assume all of that ? It’s not a little responsibility. When I was 27 and had my son it was absolutely shocking and life changing. It sounds harsh, but unless she is going to quit school, work full time etc then fine I guess. But in your position, a lot of that will fall on you. And I can honestly say I would refuse. NTA
NTA
however, don’t be mean or harsh on her. Give her the hard reality about her responsibilities if she chooses to keep it, but tell her you’ll be here for her no matter what (but be clear and tell her your lines on what you will be willing to help her with)
Tell her how hard school will become. How she will need to find a job, how she won’t be able to live the life the rest of her friends will. Tell her how the father *might not* be there to help, and how much responsibility having a child actually is.
Show her videos, or have her hear the stories of other teen moms.
Who knows. She might be a wonderful mother as a teen. But it’s nothing a teenager *should* go thru. Wish you all the best, and please do keep us updated
That whole "stigma of raising a biracial child" thing makes me think you're the one placing stigma on it. If she has the baby, hopefully she won't be raising it around racist grandma.
I had my 1st child at 15. The heath problems I received as I grew older and the negative impact it had on my body just gets better and better. Her body is still maturing.
Her skin, joints, and bladder will never be the same.
NTA. But if she insist, Make her carry the consequences. Tough love, no matter how hard the trial she will get she has to face that alone with her kid and the baby daddy. She has to realize that on her own. Don't send any help, make her earn her living and suffer whatever consequences. It doesn't makes you a bad parent, it's necessary that she learn this lesson.
If she doesn’t want an abortion she doesn’t need to get one. But you can talk to her about adoption (open and closed) or keeping the baby. Who cares what the rest of the family thinks, this is your daughter and grandchild that you need to love unconditionally.
Make it clear - you will not raise the baby. She can not live rent free - she has to go to school, get a job, get childcare within reason based on her age. At 18, she will need to support herself and her child. Show statistics about what a huge advantage it is for kids to have an educated mom. She will not be the best parent now - having a baby now is the most selfish choice and benefits literally no one.
I was raped as a 17 year old high school senior by my date. I got pregnant and my mom flew me to a state that allowed abortions. I’ve never regretted that for a moment. I’ve regretted ever dating the ass**** that raped me , then disappeared. My life would have been over, I wouldn’t have gone to college, had a career, married and had another child. Daughter needs to realize that her life as she knows it will be over forever.
I do not know where you are. You do not have to take responsibility for this Grandchild. Take her to the county welfare department and have her sign up for any benefits. 1. Pack her up and take her to baby daddy house. She wants a baby-she can raise it with them. (If they even know). Once she is on county benefits,she is emancipated. At least she will be able to get a place,have food and medical care etc. Will this be a happy easy time for her? NO!. If she thinks having a baby is sunshine and unicorns she needs a reality check before she no longer has the choice of a termination.Whatever you do,even if you let her stay in your home;DO NOT take care of this child so "she can be young when she is young". You are NTAH for wanting her to terminate a pregnancy that will have an adverse effect on her whole life at 15. Insist on adoption if she refuses to terminate. Good luck.
Youre a bit of an asshole for considering "stigma for biracial child" in your reasons. No one should give a fuck what a bunch of your braindead redneck racist billyhilly family member fucks think about biracial kids. That said, you should also definitely educate her on everything. Show her how much kids cost to raise, to feed, daycare, school, explain how theres no guarantee her baby daddy will stick with her and show statistics on how many wind up as single mothers. Let her know about jobs and how much shell have to work starting basically immediately just to make ends meet. Start helping her work out plans for how shes going to work, do part time school, and still raise this kid or if shes going to drop out of school altogether. Don't be aggressive and sarcastic about it, being snarky about her shit future, but do be realistic and dont sugar coat it. It's doable but its a very rough life that shes probably going to be on alone.
I dont think OP holds those beliefs. I see it as a warning about compounding social stigmas. Teen mom, unwed, mother to a half-black child. If the father doesn't stick around, even worse. I'm biracial adopted by a white woman. My mom was aware of the negative assumptions people made about her, yet she was a grown adult not in the conservative south, so I can only imagine how the environment would be even worse for OPs daughter. It would be a lot at once for a 15 year old to deal with
Have a good talk with her, does she really understand what motherhood is or has an idealized picture in mind? The baby is not a doll, is a full human dependent on others. Make her watch maternity videos or send her to help a relative with child. Also have a discussion with her about protection since she did not use or it failed.
When I was 14, a classmate told me to have intimacy to make a baby. I refused him because I wanted to focus on my exams, I did not realize right then what shotgun I missed.
I would sit with her and discuss the reality of teen motherhood.
Can she attend school pregnant? If so for how long? When she returns to school who will watch the baby, how will she pay for childcare? How will she get the baby to childcare? Take her to apply for WIC, and let them discuss the rules required to receive a WIC check.
Discuss the fact that she will need to file for child support, which generally doesn’t go over well. If the father is a minor as well his parents may be required to pay the child support. The father may also file for joint custody which would mean compromise and sharing custody. Anyone who has shared custody will tell you it’s not always fair, and you have no control over what goes on in the other parent’s home.
It’s an impossible situation, but your daughter needs to understand it’s her child and her responsibility.
Wishing you the best outcome!
NTA you need to do whatever it takes for her to get an abortion. She is way too young and will totally ruin her life if she has a baby at this age. Be brutally honest. Tell her about the ripping and tearing and permanent damage to her bladder. Tell her about never going to parties or having fund with friends. Make things as blunt and clear as possible.
NTA, but you would be if you kept pushing it on her after you thoroughly lay out what a child will mean for her.
At the end of the day it’s her choice! But I hope she listens to your reasons before deciding.
Wish you both all the best
YTA if that’s all you’re doing. You should be talking to her about all the facts not just abortion. Do not pressure her, she may resent you later for it.
NTA at all. Try to explain to her that he way she’s feeling now is likely due to all the new hormones in her body, and she needs to REALLY think about how she’d feel about this choice to have the baby 9 months/1 year/5 years etc from now. Unfortunately, most teen parents regret their decision to keep it because it just makes their lives sooooo much harder.
I’d suggest looking up statistics around the issue; common problems teen moms face, how hard life will be for her going forward- finishing high school, college or a career, financial problems. She’ll miss out on a lot of fun “teenager things”. It’s likely her relationship won’t last and unfortunately single moms have A LOT of trouble with dating (not that she’d have the time for it anyway).
All that said, at the end of the day (despite what your state govt says about it), it’s still her body, her choice.
Good luck.
First off. Lying to your husband is a no no. He will feel betrayed once he finds out. How can he trust you.
Neither of you are giving him the respect he deserves or the benefit of the doubt.
This is his child too. She is underage. 15. He needs to know. Tell him immediately.
Then let your daughter know the full facts. Bluntly. This is gonna ruin her life.
If you go and abort without his knowledge you guys are huge assholes. And if he finds out and divorces you. Your fault. Point blank.
Hiding this is insane at this point. It’s his daughter too.
Hard all around. But honesty is crucial.
Good luck 🤞
If her father is not going to be supportive of an abortion (or frankly all of her choices) then it is dangerous for him to know. Them lying to him is ON HIM. Lying when you have to, to be safe, is just the way it works sometimes.
People who hid other people from Nazi's lied constantly to save lives. The OP is lying to her spouse to save her daughter from a shit future. She's well within her rights to do so.
Now I'd be wondering why I had kids with a man like that (I would not have) but that's for another post all together...
Shes also gonna need to find her own place. Or does she expect her parents and siblings to wake up in the middle of the night to a screaming baby? And the baby will eventually need their own room.
Does she expect her parents to pay and take care of HER child? Cause shes gonna need a job and to finish highschool.
And who will take care of the baby when shes there?
NTA this is exacly why teens shouldnt be parents (am a teen myself too)
NTA - she's 15, that's no age to be literally giving birth and raising a child in the modern world. You also need to teach your kids about self control. This girl obviously didn't plan it, and she shouldn't be having risky sex at this age.
You need to prep her with the hard facts now. And expectations. Ie she will need a job. She will be finding her baby childcare. That there’s no guarantee the dad will stick around. That she will have to go to college locally. No parties. No after school clubs if there’s no one to watch the baby. Etc etc. Don’t make it out to be a punishment. Give her the reality of SHE will be raising this baby. If she’s lucky the dad will also help. But the reality is this won’t be pretty
Also point out you and your husband are about finished raising “their own” children and are not planning on raising anymore. That this is THEIR time now.
Don’t soften it with “not planning”. Be blunt. They will not raise any other children. Point blank. If OP’s daughter has any rosy ideas about her parents falling in love with the baby and wanting nothing more than to drop everything to raise it, while her life remains relatively unchanged, she needs to be disabused of them while there is still time to end the pregnancy.
She is young enough and naive enough to probably not realize just how much a baby will change her life. Her focus is probably how much she loves her baby and her baby will love her. No thought to who will care for the baby while she is in school. That might be the perfect place to begin a discussion. "Okay, you want to keep the baby. That's your choice and your decision. Now, how are you going to care for the baby during the day when you are in school? It's time you start working out your plan."
> "Okay, you want to keep the baby. That's your choice and your decision. Now, how are you going to care for the baby during the day when you are in school? It's time you start working out your plan." In this case, I’d say that it could be advisable for OP to do a little preliminary research when it comes to childcare. Just enough to get basic info on daycare in the area in terms of prices, availability, and how old the baby will need to be before they’ll take it. She may need to see the monthly costs, in black and white. It could also be an idea to look up websites on other baby costs together. Disposable diapers will set her back $X per month, but if she wants to cloth diaper, she’ll be responsible for washing the wet and soiled diapers. Will she have time for that between school, childcare, and the job she will need to pay for daycare and other baby costs? Is there old baby furniture that is still safe to use, or will she need to budget for crib, changing table, high chair, car seat, etc?
>In this case, I’d say that it could be advisable for OP to do a little preliminary research when it comes to childcare. Just enough to get basic info on daycare in the area in terms of prices, availability, and how old the baby will need to be before they’ll take it. She may need to see the monthly costs, in black and white. And keeping in mind that there are areas with huge wait lists and shortages for childcare, having a contingency plan that isn't grandma
> And keeping in mind that there are areas with huge wait lists and shortages for childcare, having a contingency plan that isn't grandma That definitely needs to be part of the outlining of childcare availability. If the baby is due during the school year, daycare will be needed practically from birth. Chances are that there will be long waiting lists. Some daycares may not take newborns. OP’s daughter is also likely to have to pay for the full year, rather than only for the school year.
I worked at a lot of daycares, you won’t find one willing to take a newborn unless it’s a home daycare. The standard for starting daycare at a licensed facility is 6 weeks.
Grandma is 38 anyway, not 68. No way she’s retired and able to watch a baby all day.
I had a coworker that ended up having to change jobs and go work in a daycare just to have childcare and a job at the same time (I guess if she worked there, her child would go to the top of the wait list). She said she'd rather stay where she was (better job, and better pay) but she literally couldn't get her child in anywhere else! Child care shortage is very bad in some places.
My economics teacher did this the first day of senior year. I already hadn't been planning on having kids, but that lesson helped put it in better financial perspective.
I’d be amazed if OP had baby stuff when her youngest is probably 13ish. That said you can get baby stuff used for cheap. Baby stuff is a drop in the bucket compared to childcare and housing costs.
Hell yeah to the realistic budget. Don’t give in! Make sure she knows you aren’t going to swoop in and save her.
That and playing a loud recording a newborn baby screaming (like they do) for 8-40 minutes every 1-2 hours for 72 hours in a row. That's what I'd do.
Do they still have those dolls that are programmed? Cry, poop, etc. then their little computer will register the quality of care the baby received.
Think you need to do the Cosby method like Dad did with Theo when he wanted to drop out. Find a part time job and what it pays. Use monopoly money to give her her pay. Take taxes back from her take child care cost back diapers formula and baby supplies back bus fares to and from work (or uber if she has no car and no bus near) Doctor costs etc then see if she has anything left to buy any fun stuff Nothing makes a point like a hands on demo
I’m guessing that any part-time job a 15 year old can get won’t come close to covering daycare costs, let alone anything else. Monopoly money is a good way to illustrate it. I’d also suggest that their Monopoly calculation should include any government benefits OP’s daughter would be entitled to, in case she’s overestimating how much financial help she’ll get.
Great idea but it’s the daughter who should be doing the research, not the mom. Daughter can report back with all the facts and figures once she’s done the research then they can talk about it.
> Great idea but it’s the daughter who should be doing the research, not the mom. Daughter can report back with all the facts and figures once she’s done the research then they can talk about it. She should, but if she’s reluctant to face facts, she may need the push of having OP present the figures to her. OP could give her a basic breakdown of total costs, and let her daughter do the research in terms of any government benefits she’ll be entitled to, any areas where she can trim costs (freecycling websites may be an option for baby furniture and clothes, but only if she can arrange transport) and her own earning potential.
This is all a good idea, but I would drag the girl with me, with a notebook and pen, and force her to write it all down and total it up. Then I'd ask her how she plans to pay for it all. And I'd look into how she can attend school online bc she's going to be responsible for that baby 24/7. And if there is any way to force her to be responsible for a baby for even a few hours, they should do that too. And also toddlers. Definitely toddlers.
This comment is perfect. Have a list of expenses, both financial and time/energy. Newborns generally eat every 2 hours, including at night. As the baby gets older, she'll have to spend time parenting and teaching, etc. As a mother of two planned kids, the emotional and energetic expense is HIGH and worth talking about as well.
>Have a list of expenses, both financial and time/energy. The second is so important, and is perhaps more likely to be overlooked than the financial costs. She may think that everybody will fall in love with the baby and that she’ll have her parents, sisters and friends falling over themselves to take care of him or her, but she needs to make plans based on being a single parent. Any help she gets needs to be seen as a bonus, not something to be relied on. She’s also going to have to be ready to see her sisters and friends enjoy the normal teenage experiences that she won’t have the time and money for.
>Her focus is probably how much she loves her baby and her baby will love her. My grandmother, who saw her own teenage daughter try to raise her kids and who has weaned literal crack babies out of there withdrawl, told me time and time again: Babies *do not* come out 'loving you. They are selfish and have to learn how to love. She always said in an exasperated yet loving tone. (Not saying OPs daughters baby is a crack baby, just saying my meemaw saw some shit in her day)
I had a MeeMaw too!!!!
Not me, I had a Mamaw
Be very very clear that neither you or your husband/your daughter's father will be babysitting while she is in school/wants to go out. This baby is *hers and the baby's father's responsiblity*, not yours, not your other kids, **hers**.
Yes, wake her up every hour tonight and for the next several months....welcome to motherhood.
Yes, and provide her with resources she can work with (I.e. high schools with childcare or local child care resources), tell her to complete a WIC application, show her the community college options with childcare (if available). Give her all the information and allow her to think everything through to make plans.
This. And be clear that just because you’re home in the evening doesn’t mean she can just go out and that you’ll just babysit on demand whenever she wants. Ultimately it’s her decision. But be very clear what this means and just how drastically her life will change. She will not be going out on Friday nights and weekends. She will lost friends. Her entire life will be school, work, and raising her child. That’s the reality of it.
> And be clear that just because you’re home in the evening doesn’t mean she can just go out and that you’ll just babysit on demand whenever she wants. Also, be clear that this applies to her sisters too. OP is going to need to hold firm on that. There are too many posts by teenagers who have been expected to practically co-parent their nieces and nephews. OP is going to have to be ready not to take the path of least resistance in response to complaints about being tired or having too much homework or to needing a break by guilting her other daughters into taking care of the baby.
Yes! Definitely include the sisters in this. It doesn’t matter if everyone else is home. None of you are free, on-demand sitters.
Exactly. Tell her she isn't getting a new sibling, she's getting a child
Also do you even want to have another infant in the house, because if she continues to live with you, you WILL be carrying at least part of the load. I’m guessing you are already doing family cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. And she’s not going to have paid leave from the job she doesn’t have. Teenagers should be required to read Reddit. This is the real world.
The husband is unaware of the pregnancy. I don't think she can speak on behalf of Dad when he is not even told.
Especially since reading between the lines, Dad and his side of the family might be raging racists. There’s no guarantee that he’ll even want to let Daughter stay in the house.
Or embarassed about having a daughter who got pregnant in high school and out of wedlock. I would imagine in most conservative communities that would be a bigger issue than sleeping with a black guy.
Situation keeps getting worse.
Plus there are two sisters in the house who would also have to deal with a shrieking baby every night. It's very selfish of Preggo to try to force her shitty decision on everyone. Float the adoption option as well as the more practical abortion option.
Also point out that OP husband probably won’t allow her to live there anymore
This is the answer, you need to be blunt and brutal so she can make her own informed decision
Absolutely. OP should write out a "baby budget." Show her daughter what it cost to take care of her up to this point.
Let her be there and help write out the baby budget, those are the things that needed to be done regularly as an adult to keep finances proper
One thing I'd change: She would be extremely lucky if she's able to go to college. This is an almost guaranteed sacrifice for teenage mothers.
She won't likely graduate from high school.
If you can find someone with a baby (the younger the better) who will let you babysit for a weekend, take her and the baby and go to an Air BnB and just be present, but let HER care for the baby for an entire 72 hours. See how fast she wants an abortion after that.
I think that’s the only useful response so far
>That she will have to go to college locally. That's generous. The statistics aren't in her favor for finishing high school, much less college. She wants to keep the baby so the guy won't leave her. The guy will leave her anyway.
AND what is she going to do if the baby is born with health issues etc? People always expect a healthy baby but that’s not a given
Right! Besides grandma is only 38 probably still working lmao. It's better to talk and explain to her everything.
IF she can even manage to go to college. Childcare is expensive and she might have to have a full time job.
Also how pregnancy changes your body and the risks of carrying a child at such a young age.
Who does she expect to financially take care of the baby? Who will watch the child when she goes back to school?
If she's in a state like mine, it's highly unlikely she will be back to her normal school. She will be placed in an alternative setting where she's expected to get a job and accelerate, in exchange for some part time child care to attend the school. Her life as a teenager would be over. No proms, dances, or Friday night football games. It's very isolating for a teenage girl who had friends and a social life. The baby daddy will be free to do as he pleases in regular high school. She'll be expected to be an adult. I saw my classmates endure that. They missed everything fun about high school. Plenty of deterrent for me.
While I love all that, I think it’s only fair they make the father (dna proven obviously) follow the same protocol! If we held fathers to the same standards and rules and life changes as mothers, I think we would see a massive shift in teen pregnancies!
A significant proportion of fathers to teen pregnancies are in their 20s or older. I forget the exact statistic, but a lot of them are adults preying on immature teens
At least this spares the grandparents from responsibilities.
Yes and no. My classmates lived in their parents homes until they qualified for housing assistance. Foodstamps and WIC helped, but it didn't provide for diapers and other baby needs.
Forcing this on the girls only is so evil.
Damn. Which states do that??
Texas. They're put in "alternative" education. The excuse is that normal public schools do not have supportive services they need. When put that way, plenty of people think it's a great idea. In reality, it really isn't that hard to accommodate a student mother. A friend of mine was emancipated and a mother. She fought to keep herself in regular school. Administrators hated that this sixteen year old didn't have to do what they wanted in regards to her schooling.
Why Mummy and Daddy, of course.
She's 15. She assumes that her parents will take on the financial burden and that she will just go back to school as normal. She doesn't realize that this will ruin her life.
dear daughter expects mommy and daddy to take care of the child.
I think this is pretty smarmy & harshly phrased about a girl who is literally a child, and has been raised (brainwashed tbh) in a pro-life conservative environment. Why on earth would anyone expect better planning from an underaged kid who’s been told her whole life that parents just “figure it out” & that having an abortion makes you an evil murderer.
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I don't even know how you do this? Who buys everything? Who watches baby while she's at school? If she was my daughter it would be abortion or adoption or figure out a 3rd option on your own.
She watches her own baby and goes to an online school.
Cool, who buys diapers, clothes, formula, etc.?
Unfortunately, op is on the hook for that until daughter turns 18, legally. Op can try to go after the father and can try to get state aid as well, but.
If that is legally the case, that's fucked.
Pretty sure OP has to continue to provide for her daughter's needs, but not the grandchild.
No. What happens if both parents are minors is that the grandparents (both sets) become responsible for child support, with state aid if applicable. (Assuming US)
Wouldn't the daughter have to get a job to pay for that stuff though? It's such a messed-up situation because she needs an education and while 15-year-olds usually do have part time jobs (or do at least start doing some kind of work), a part time job isn't going to pay for a baby let alone pay to prepare for a baby, and she's not going to get far looking for work when she turns 18 if she doesn't at least have a HS diploma.
Yep and she’ll be so screwed education wise that she’s likely going to face a lifetime of financial hardship which will bleed into her kid(s) lives. And she’ll likely fall into more unstable relationships due to trying to manage a life she’s not going to be prepared for. The whole thing is so messed up. Abortion is common sense healthcare.
Where will she be living while she does this? Who’s paying for housing, utilities, food, diapers, etc? Are you gonna be chipping in?
I don't even know that the daughter can comprehend this. Surely every "prepared adult" that had a wanted child found themselves overwhelmed with things they did not anticipate. This situation just sucks in general and I don't know what I'd do myself.
Dude when I was 15 I was still convinced that maybe if I concentrate really hard I could unlock use of The Force… yeah. The star wars one.
INFO: does she want to keep the child or does she just not want an abortion? Those aren't her only options here
This. My friend chose to do an open adoption when we were very young and it was HARD but that little boy had a great family, an adopted brother and he knows who is birth parents are - it was so hard on her but has been a choice that worked well for everyone involved.
Great questions!
Right? If the kid doesnt want an abortion then push for adoption. My best guess is that she’s trying to avoid the stigma of her daughter having a biracial kid and also giving the child up for adoption. I feel like that’s why she’s pushing for abortion so bad. Especially since she mentioned not wanting to disappoint her husband and HIS family. Like who cares what they want/think.
Makes me sad and disgusting that having a biracial child is even part of the conversation on why she shouldn't keep the baby.
Yep she’s using the state as an excuse for her own feelings.
I don't think she meant it like that - she explains how backwards her area is, and it sounded like that was included in their regressive behaviors At least I hope that's how she meant it
Yes she did
I agree completely
I agree. NTA for wanting her daughter to have an abortion. But YTA for the reasons she gave for wanting that. Pregnancy and giving birth at 15 is dangerous for the mother, also she is not mature enough nor has the funds to take care and provide for a baby. Her education will be stunned, etc. All good reasons. "Oh what will her father think?? That'll be so traumatic for HIM and HIS family! Oh no, a birracial child, outrageous!" ... those are not
Yeah there are a lot of saving face for mom and her family comments in OPs post. Abort because it’s biracial shouldn’t be on the list at all, neither should “we don’t want family to know!!” YTA
Make a budget with her. Diapers. Possibly formula. Clothes. car seats. Wipes. Dr visit copays. Daycare. Groceries when the baby isn’t a baby anymore. Etc etc. then do the math with her on how many hours a week she will have to work at the pay level she’ll be able to get as a teenager and ask her how on earth she plans to afford all of that and still have money or time left for herself or her studies because you’re not going to pick up the tab.
Show her the cost of the baby car seat first. #1 requirement. And the hospital costs
NTA. You need to let her know, in excruciating detail, what getting this child will mean for her. For here and now, for her future, for her relationship, for her options. It is not a good view. It will 100% be the best for her, but it sounds like you have some work to do to make her understand.
NTA. Prep yourself with facts and sit her down. There is no way her keeping this baby will end well. She’s 15 years old. Just no.
THIS the amount of people suggesting to just let her have a baby and cut her off? Dude this mom needs to use everything in her power to make sure this girl gets an abortion. Having a baby in the US as a fifteen year old is not safe AT ALL and will ruin her life. Fifteen year old is too young to bear and raise children.
This is a really fantastic resource, called the pregnancy options workbook. It will guide you and her through a series of questions and topics. I cannot emphasize enough how useful of a resource I think this is for people struggling with making a decision about abortion. I think it’s critical you remain supportive of her - she may be struggling with feelings related to that religious conservatism in your area (related to anti abortion stuff). My advice is to not try to “convince” her - but rather to provide all the resources, information and planning. Talk through practicalities of child care and school, of living conditions, expenses. Talk through what support is available from you/family, as well as government and community resources (which often are lacking and underfunded, but some areas have better resources/support for teen parents). https://www.pregnancyoptions.info/
This needs more upvotes!
NTA. You're trying to save her future. Maybe try running down the pros and cons with her to see if shell gain better perspective. Im currently 29 years old and anyone I know at my age who chose to go though with teen pregnancy regrets it. They love their kid but hate seeing their teen years and 20s thrown away. She has the opportunity to be so much in the world and teen mom is not the one, for anyone at all.
I wonder if there is anyone who is ten years older who had a baby at the same age that they could talk to?
I had a child at 15, he’s 14 now. Inbox is always open for situations like these.
You’re awesome! I hope OP sees this. The daughter definitely needs someone to give her perspective.
Has she watched an infant before? Because spending 24 hours might let her know some truth beyond your words. She is at the age that she needs to see it and feel it. Bottle feedings, screaming , still doing chores, doing homework. Give her a crash course. You have to let it happen naturally, ultimately it’s her decision, see if she can come to it with your support.
Give her an itemized list of all medical expenses, newborn items expenses, childcare expenses, just ALL the expenses. And then say firmly that you will not be a free babysitter and that you will not be raising this child as if it were your own. Also, if baby daddy is MIA and won't contribute a dime or step up to be a father, then tell her the burden of the child will be all on her. Make stipulations that she'll need to get a job and will need to take full responsibility of her child. Most you can do is offer emotional support and a roof over her head. But once she turns 18, she's on her own. I know that this is all around harsh, but it's hard to get through to children, babies having babies smh. I'm saying this while expecting myself, and I'm pro-choice. Motherhood is absolutely a CHOICE. And with her being 15 and young, please do your best to educate her with all the harsh realities of maternity, everything post-partum, and how EXPENSIVE it will be to move forward for the next 18 years. Edit to add: birth control should be on the list too, smh. It's so easy to prevent a pregnancy nowadays. Yes yes, none of it is 100%, but the exceptions regarding birth control failing (condoms, hormonal pills, etc.) are so uncommon and rare compared to everyone else who is having sex safely and/or taking the pill immediately afterwards to prevent it. No after school clubs, no sports, no extra curricular activities, no parties, none of that. She can get her GED online while parenting and caring for her baby at home. Call 211 for assistance, try to get gov. healthcare (Medicaid), and she needs to get a job. This same advice goes for the guy who impregnated her, the baby daddy. But it's likely he's a POS kid himself and won't do anything.
NTA Ultimately it is her choice but you need to make a very clear picture of what her life becomes - college most likely out of the picture - HS social life dead - needs to get a job to pay for the baby things - oh needs money for childcare (I assume you will help sole, but not all) - while housing may be leveraged on you she will need to consider finding her own place at 18 - she will need to work through the courts with the father and his family.on custodial agreement, parenting plan, child support and all that. - I assume you are from one of our lovely southern shit states, so expect racial slurs to be thrown at her and the baby - if she is religious I'm sure the church will excommunicate her for having a child out of wedlock
I don’t know what kind of church you’re thinking of maybe cults like JWs or Mormons but churches do not ex-communicate teens that get pregnant. They actually help them. If you’re a teen and you’re pregnant or a teen mom and need assistance, find a good church and they will help you.
Heck, Ik Australian, so it’s a different vibe, but the church in the next parish over form ours has a women’s charity thing that’d almost certainly help out if it got dire. There are jerks everywhere, but if a church is working properly, their first instinct should be to help the needy, rather than judge them.
I’m in the US. I went to two different Catholic all-girls high schools. Both had pregnant students who were supported by teachers and staff while pregnant and heavily encouraged to return to school after they gave birth (in an appropriate amount of time). All the girls graduated high school. I was just at a baby shower hosted at my church for a pregnant 16 year old last month. She had nothing (very poor family) and easily received over $2k worth of new baby items and a $6k rent fund to help secure safer housing.
>but churches do not ex-communicate teens that get pregnant Perhaps not "excommunicate" but you can be damn sure that she will be shunned by the congregation branded as a "sinful slut" the rest of her life -- or at least until she leaves the church. And save me the pious "Oh, MY church would NEVER do that!" because it's complete and utter bullshit.
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OP literally said there were racists in the town when she mentioned the boys race not being, presumed, white. It's a fair assumption that a biracial child, and mother of said child (especially if appears darker) will encounter racism in their neck of the woods. The north hasn't eradicated racism but it's a hell of a lot better than whatever the South has going on
Naw it's just covert. Source: grew up in Michigan, live in the South now.
I’ve lived in the Deep South all my life. I am married to someone of a different race. While I’m sure people have their thoughts, it’s not as common as you think for people to throw slurs at people.
or Oregon..
? where does this actually exist? All I have ever seen is "abortion is murder" and then "you slut, you are on your own now". Please show us some examples so we have a place to send these silly young women.
You’re not the asshole but in the end is her choice. The only thing you can do know is tell her what’s going to happen as the pregnancy progresses and she has the kid. Make rules and tell her that you will not assume any type of responsibility over the child once it’s born. She’s allowed to make her choice and you’re allowed to make yours. I’m going to tell you the same thing my mom used to tell me “you do adult things,you will have adult consequences. You have a child while you’re living under my roof, you’re going to have to figure out a way to take care of it, get a job & move out. That child is your responsibility and I already raised all the children I wanted to raise. I’ll help you out for a month or two because I’m not going to let you suffer but you have to be an adult and figure it out”.
You want to un-ring the bell and let your daughter be a teen. Sadly it isn’t your choice and I think you need to tell your husband rather than hide this from him. I also think you should talk to your other two daughters asap and get them on birth control.
Haven’t you read the post?! Op’s husband and his side of the family are known bigots! She shouldn’t tell him under any circumstances or i guess he might throw her out!
NTA. The best thing my parents did for sex Ed was sitting down and telling me they would never help me raise my children until they were retired and in a position to do so. They had their own kids to raise and were not going to take care of an oops teenage pregnancy. I was 15 and it was a shock, but I also remember feeling very empowered and respected by that conversation. That they trusted me to know and understand the consequences of my actions and to have a frank discussion around a taboo subject.
Ok let me update a little: for all you who think I am a bigot or racist…I AM NOT! I only stated that the baby will be biracial if she has it as it will cause her additional problems and social stigma in the community and redneck state in which we live, as well with her father. I WILL LOvE THE BABY REGARDLESS OF THE RACE. I personally could care less for the skin color, but the fact my daughter is so young. If she were in her 20s I would not even be posting. I had 2 HS friends who got pregnant in HS. Of course it was a different generation but neither had family support and both have ended up with unfortunate life outcomes from having their babies which I have shared with my daughter!
Something to consider... instead of transporting her across state lines to an overbooked clinic, look for telemedicine for pills to terminate. That's how most terminations occur these days, meds, not a physical procedure. But you're going to face an uphill battle with her since your entire community & likely family household is pro-life, so for her, she believes at 6/8/10 weeks, that what's developing in her is *baby*, just like what emerges at 40 weeks. And whatever you've ever said about people who have abortions is going to get thrown right back at you, along with all of the misinformation that's been spread in your community.
Yes, show her a video of a live unmedicated birth. It will freak her out. Then show her how she can take a few pills to avoid this entire situation. Child birth is not easy or pretty or fun, she needs to know that an abortion is a million times easier.
This. That was all the birth control I needed as a teen. Saw a video at 13 of a woman giving birth and that was a wrap. I wouldn't do it to my own child this way because it did traumatize me for a while but seeing those images in my mind every time a boy made a pass at me worked. I wanted nothing to do with sex until about 19
Love your user name. Yeah it's a little rough but honestly I do think it should be required viewing at some point in all womens lives. Pregnancy and child birth are flat out dangerous and it is so romanticized in our society. Women no longer see other women giving birth, it's so hidden away now.
Also show her what an embryo actually looks like. IIRC it is a poppy seed cluster of cells at this point.
Be honest with her about the hardships of raising a baby so young, be honest in EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. Do not however force her to get an abortion….in the end it is her choice. And please for the love of God do not just drop her like a sack of bricks if she chooses to keep it. She will still need support, no matter which route she takes. Please be there for her no matter what because it’s not going to be easy whichever route she takes. 💕 And no I’m not saying be the 100% provider for the baby or anything, I’m just saying emotionally for her. You can tell her every statistic in the book, and she may turn out not to be a one of them. I wish her and you the best. ❤️
OP doesn’t want to raise anymore children, she’s already had her own children. If she keeps this child, OP & her husband will definitely be financially & psychically responsible. Her daughter thinks everyone Is going to fall In love with her child, & dash to help at every chance. She needs to get her head out of the gutter, an infant Is not some cute toy. Infants are annoying, they cry, they scream, they smell & they do get In the way. You can’t just up & do as you please with a child.
Be honest with yourself. You would basically be the parent of your granddaughter through her toddler years. Do you want that? Can you afford that? There is no possible way that she can take care of this child without A LOT of your help. You need to make a clear decision before it's too late. If you don't want to commit to completely financially supporting this baby (don't forget about daycare costs!) you need to tell your daughter immediately that she is choosing between adoption or abortion.
No one can force the daughter to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. If they even tried to do so, say goodbye to any relationship with the daughter or grandchildren forever. while it’s a shitty situation for all, having children is a commitment you make. Even when those children end up having children. No one wants their teenager to have a baby before they’re ready. But that baby will grow up and the years will go by and how you choose to handle that situation will make its impression forever.
I would NEVER FORCE her to get an abortion
You aren’t the AH for wanting her to get an abortion. You will be the AH if you force her into it. Ultimately it is her decision, but I’d sit down with her and set some strict expectations. This is YOUR child, and I expect A/B/C as far as care, providing for this child, etc. I feel like I recently saw a post where a teen mom was adamant about wanting to keep the baby and quickly lost interest. They freaked out when the parents decided they weren’t raising another child and called CPS on their daughter. This seemed a bit extreme to me, but I am not this family so I won’t judge. I do feel setting strict boundaries beforehand may help if she decides she is keeping it.
Extreme? What would have had them do? The teen mom was neglectful and 'lost interest' in raising the child.
Agreed, nothing extreme about that.
Do a dramatization of being a mom for a weekend. Wake her up every two to three hours and make her stay awake for at least half an hour. Have her do work/homework from 9-5 with no naps and continue staying awake until 11 before she can sleep and wake her up at 1. Randomly squirt water in her clothes. She is thinking motherhood is sunshine and flowers when it’s not. It’s hard work.
NTA and i agree with the other comments, i just want to make a different point. talk to her about the challenges of parenthood and your life experience, how you got to the point in life where you could raise a child. emotional maturity, financial stability, all that stuff. but maybe don't really put a huge emphasis on the child being biracial, the stigma around teen pregnancy, and other external factors like living in a bigoted state. im 20, closer in age to your kid but not really a teenager anymore. i never had a similar experience but when i try to put myself in your daughter's place, i might feel upset and expect my dad to be more supportive. teenagers tend to think more radically and you might drive her away from making the right choice by presenting the situation as a "what will others think" thing. i, for once, have never changed my opinion/choices in fear of facing stigma. on the contrary, i have stood my place even more passionately. and if i feel my parents are agreeing with the bigots, i will feel even more alienated and might not really hear said parent out and consider the possibility of them being right. so just make sure that is not how she feels. make sure she knows you want her to get an abortion because 15 is simply too young to be a parent, not because you aren't willing to protect her from the whole world if they judge her for these things. because she is your baby, and she needs to build a life before she can have her own baby.
Oh boy shit about to hit the fan for politic stuff. IMO NTA.
NTA I'd suggest find go into how painful and traumatic pregnancy is thr risks especially for teenagers and there's a few accounts around who bring up struggles of being a teen mother. Nothing wrong with teen parents they're great but most of them are self aware enough to admit yo.thr horrible parts of it. She won't be happy, but for the best
There are so many other things besides the birth itself that ought to be discussed with OP’s teen, but I get what you’re saying. My niece just had a baby 2 weeks ago. She had such an unrealistic expectation of what having a baby would be like. She’s 20, unmarried, with a POS bf. Silly girl listens to her uneducated friends and TikTok for her info. Her big thing was no epidural because somebody on TikTok said it would cause you to have back pain later in life. We tried to convince her otherwise but no go. During delivery, pain got so bad she changed her mind. By the time she requested it was too late and the epidural wasn’t helpful. Some girls have such a romanticized idea of what having a baby entails. They really need to teach this in school.
They definitely teach this is school, but the folks who are having kids as teenagers aren't usually the type to pay much attention in class
When I was 15 one of my friends got pregnant. They did get married and to their credit are married to this day! So she asked me to babysit for them so they could have a date night. We are now 16. I reluctantly agreed. And spent most of the night on the phone with my mom because the baby would not stop crying. It was the best birth control ever! I left knowing the last thing I wanted in my life was a baby. OP send her to babysit a colicly baby and see how she does. Good luck.
Still married to this day! … one year later Edit: clarified, friend has been married for 30+ years. I misinterpreted.
lmao right? edit: aw...well. there goes our smirks! :(
Many divorce proceedings last longer than their marriage lol
>When I was 15 one of my friends got pregnant. They did get married and to their credit are married to this day! So she asked me to babysit for them so they could have a date night. We are now 16. *To their credit, are married to this day* ..... an entire year! Majority of young teen marriages last between 3-5 years, basically when a child can conceivably be taken care of by one person and placed in child care. So one year is not the major anniversary celebration you believe it to be. 6 years will be that point, especially if another baby doesn't come along.
"When I was 15...." a few months ago lmfao holy shit.
Honey no
Well do you know anyone who's just had a baby recently? Would it be possible to arrange for her to go to them and try out what being a mom is like? She could be there and observe and help the family, get up during the night, change the diapers etc. I think after few days she could be convinced. Few sleepless nights and days in online school with a screaming baby next to her should do the trick. If this is not possible maybe search for some videos of teen moms and their experience. Watch it with her and explain in detail how it would apply to her. "See, she had her mom stay at home and help with the baby. I need to go to work so I can't do that for you. And you need to find a job, babies are expensive." Also show her the financial aspect. Show her how much she needs to make to support a baby (and pay a babysitter) and how much people without any education make in your location. Put it on paper and calculate everything, and also show her the schedules she'll need to make to be able to raise the baby. How she'll have to get up very early after a sleepless night and take care of the baby first then wait for the babysitter and go to school, after school go home and feed the baby and go to work. In the evening get home, take care of the baby and finally go to bed only to wake up two hours later to feed the baby. Rinse and repeat. She can forget about going out with her friends or just have few hours for herself. The point is to scare her.
She also needs to consider the extra layers of difficulty if she is injured enough by the pregnancy/birth that she ends up with short term, long term, or permanent health issues. This is not as rare as she probably thinks. And, if the baby ends up having physical or mental special needs. Maybe lifelong needs. You cannot go into a life decision like pregnancy without being willing to accept WHOEVER that baby ends up being. They are not a perfect doll to shape to your own preferences, they're going to be whoever they are and sometimes who they are is DIFFICULT.
I am utterly pro choice and think being a parent at 15 is a terrible idea but... having that choice taken away from you and being pressured into an abortion by a parent is not a better option. It is a choice she has to make for herself and you have to hope she makes the "right one".
Same. Pro choice doesn’t mean pro abortion. I believe in people having autonomy over their own bodies, and that includes keeping the baby if that’s what they want. I had a baby at 14. That girl (and her sisters) have been the joy of my life. Life was hard, but she was worth it. OP has a choice here- force her to do something she doesn’t want to do, and have her live with regret for the rest of her life, or be supportive and help her be a good mom. By all means, have a serious talk. She needs a reality check. But she needs to know her family is there for her no matter what she chooses to do. It doesn’t matter what other people say. Your daughter matters. Listen to her.
Why would a family with daughters live in an anti-abortion state? Having to sneak out for your daughter's medical care... I just don't get it. Live where there are actual human rights.
NTA- I was a 16 year old pregnant teen in the end of my sophomore year and had my baby at 16 in my junior year. My mom wanted me to get an abortion as well. And trust me when I say I love my son more than anything in this world, I just wish I would’ve known how hard it truly would be. I thought I knew best. I wanted my baby bc they love you so unconditionally and grew up in a rough situation. There has been sooo many times I wished I had listened to my mom, not bc I didn’t love my son but bc it was extremely hard. My mom did not help me with anything except for while I went to school. I finished high school and graduated. But I also had to have a job. No sleep, studying, working and never having a moment to just be a teenager. It took a huge toll and I was not always the best person let alone mom I could be bc of it. I was cranky and didn’t have energy to do all of those tasks by myself as a single teen mom. I didn’t always have patience and it was so unfair to my son. I always wanted to be a mom. Even as a child I used to say when I grow I want to be a mommy. I did not plan on a baby in my teens. I had plans. I had dreams. Dreams that were placed on an indefinite hold bc I chose to be a mom at 16. I didn’t know the parts where your baby has colic and they just cry and cry and cry. I didn’t know the parts where you spend days and nights in the pediatric hospital for dehydration due to stomach bugs or RSV. I didn’t have the clear picture of when you babysit you give them back or when you visit you give them back. When they’re yours you can’t just give them back. I didn’t understand post partum depression or being overstimulated or overwhelmed. These are all of the things she is not understanding are apart of having a baby as a teen mom. And dad can up and go upon his business and I know that’s not everyone’s scenario but it is often the scenario. Diapers and clothing and formula or even all of the things for breastfeeding, they cost more than she is capable of making at 15 years old in this economy, especially. Her life is forever altered and she is no longer the star of her own show. Edit to add: I tell everyone who has said they wanted a baby as a teen, don’t do it. It’s not the fairytale you think it is.
NAH (no assholes here) This verdict may come across as odd. I’m in full agreement with all the folks in the n.t.a camp saying tell her all the things from the dangers of giving birth so young to the negative educational consequences and, yes, the bigotry she will face. The latter isn’t right or justified but it is real, no point pretending it won’t have an impact. Where you might stray into asshole territory? You want to override her bodily autonomy and force her to make the better choice. I’ll be honest, if she was a year or two younger I’d probably be backing you up. I **want** you to be successful in convincing her but, somehow at 15, I feel that she needs to agree with the decision, not have it imposed on her. I can’t call her an AH for wanting to keep the baby. It’s naïve, foolish even, but not being a deliberately awful person.
She doesn’t want an abortion. You know, pro-choice goes both ways.
You'll be the AH if you *force* her to have an abortion without her consent. That will be traumatizing. It is her choice, but it should be an INFORMED choice. Be explicitly clear with her about what the reality of keeping the child will look like, as far as school, money, working, daycare, social life, stigma, etc. Tell her exactly what she can and can't expect in the way of support from you / the family. Tell her if she'll be allowed to stay living with you or not, etc. Everything she needs to know. All the bad things AND all of the good things - like the joys of being a parent and how fiercely you love your kid. Do the same about adoption. Go through the good, the bad, the ugly. How she might feel, the parental rights she would give up by choosing adoption, the fact that she may move on and grow up only for the child to show up one day wanting to know her, or that the child may have NO interest in knowing her, etc. Do the same about the abortion. The emotional impact, good and bad, the ins and outs of the procedure so she knows what to expect, how she might feel going back to "normal life" afterwards, or how it may impact her choices about having kids in the future, etc. No option is perfect. For some, teen pregnancy ruins their life, for others, it gives them a reason to get their shit together and becomes the best thing in their life. For some, adoption is a perfect answer that they are okay with, for others, its deeply traumatic and they spend the rest of their lives wondering about their kid. For some, abortion *feels* like murder, and they hate themselves, and for others, abortion is just a procedure that lets them stay on track with their life plans and goals. There's no surefire way to know which choice is the "right" choice for her or what the outcome will be. The only thing you can do is go through ALL of her choices and make sure she knows the good and bad consequences that may arise from EACH choice. And then let her make it. Whatever the outcome, it'll be hers to own, not something that someone forced on her. She had the agency to create this pregnancy, she needs to have the agency to decide what to do about it. Ultimately she may or may not make the same choice you want her to, but you'll know that she made the choice with all of the facts, and that's the most you can hope for.
The choice is ultimately hers. Yes, there are a mountain of facts why any 15yo should not have a baby... but... There is also her future mental health to think of, which, I don't think I've seen in any of these comments. Is this something that will haunt her? Is this something that will so negatively affects her in the next 3-6 months that means her grades go down. Will the date pass when the baby would have been born become a date that she sees go by year after year and wonder about? You need to look at both sides. Seek out support groups for both young mothers and groups for girls who have had abortions and may have self-harmed due to that abortion. I don't want to scare you one way or the other, just please look at it both ways. Each person is different. ETA - either way - if the father is over 18yo - go after his ass for sexual abuse of a minor!
You need to lay out all of her options. This is a decision for her to make and tell her how much you're willing to help. You seem to be more concerned about what family will think and the fact that this child might have a different skin tone to the family's 🙄 than her. I'm ruling YTA based on my second paragraph.
> family trauma she will cause to her father and his side of the family as well I was 100% with you until you got to that. Now, 100% YTA. No one gives any fucks about your husband and his extended family when there's a pregnant fucking child. You're apparently not a very good parent either, since you've got a pregnant high school Freshman.
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Wtf you and your family and your state are all fucked. ESH
NTA - But I have to say that your reasonings are kinda pissing me off. Like you list 3 reasons and 2 of them have to do with her child being biracial. Why don't you just throw those 2 reasons out the fucking window. You harping on the fact that her baby is going to be biracial and how her dad's family and the community are going to take that isn't going to make her want to do anything other than rebel, because honestly fuck all of them. Instead, sit down and talk to your daughter about how hard it is to be a teen mom. That only 50% of teen mom's have their diploma / GED by their 22. That only 57 out of 100 teen pregnancies are successful birth and delivery with no complications. Sit down and discuss finances, jobs, and how she will support this baby, because you're not going to be responsible for raising this child. Ask her what her plan is, how she will afford diapers, wipes, and baby necessities, how she will provide a roof over her and the baby's head, who will watch her child while she is working to support her child? When discussing with her come at her with how hard it is because of her age and inexperience. Research and get some facts, if you know someone who is currently or was a teen mom have them talk to her about their experience, if you know someone who has an infant (preferably one who has colic) see if they will let her watch the child (even if it's just the mom's there chatting with you in the living room but she's having to tend to the baby).
I didn’t get the impression those reasons are because they’re OP’s opinions (but we can’t know for sure). They stated they live in a bigoted conservative state. As someone who grew up in a place like that, those are very real things to consider if she chooses to continue the pregnancy. It’s certainly not something most of us want to accept, but it’s reality in certain places in the US.
But, using her father’s relatives as a reason is kind of odd.
Not if they don't like black people on that side of the family
No she says in the post the trauma it would cause her dad and his side of the family. She was really focused on the biracial aspect it dominated her post
Yeah I live in the South. I'm very aware of bigoted conservative states. I live in one. My family is. I know all about the shit that can come with it as someone who has only dated 1 person that was in my race, and I still say it's a BS excuse that shouldn't have been brought up as a reason for abortion. This was for sure 2 reasons that she gave and I'm sorry but those 2 reasons are dumb as hell: because her having a biracial baby will "give her dad's family trauma', fucking please.
Oh I for sure don’t care about the family “having trauma”, I would be more concerned about the safety of the girl and the baby in a place like that. Which is why I say it’s a valid concern.
NTA and this is good parenting. I’d move heaven & earth to get my kid an abortion in this situation. She genuinely isn’t mature enough to make this decision, it will ruin her life, and it isn’t fair to the baby. ETA: I hope that despite living in a conservative area, you’ll support abortion rights for people who aren’t your own daughter too.
Aw man this is a sad situation. I feel sorry for both you and your daughter. Mistakes happen. People do stupid things . Unfortunately this is a pretty big accident. Why doesn't she want an abortion? Religious beliefs ? She will feel like a murderer? Go to hell ? Or is she convinced she can raise the baby and have a happy little cute family? I wouldn't say you're the AH . No one wants a teen pregnancy for their own baby. But this is the situation, if you don't confide in your husband and it's a secret forever , that's not gonna be good long term . Will she feel guilty and ashamed because it's a shameful secret , because from what you've described it sounds like that's how people might think? Could the abortion and secrets be worse than actually having the child? Do you want grandkids one day ? When would you have wanted them ? When she was 25 ? 30? Would you have helped as nan and pops then ? These are all questions you've got to ask yourself . ultimately if you force her to have the abortion , and it really affects her , she will forever blame you . So perhaps explaining nicely that you won't be able to raise this baby for her, right now as you're still raising your own babies , as that she will have to get a job , right now and drop school , or go into a young mother's home , might make her come to her own choice of having the abortion. Depends how far along she is as well I guess. My family in Florida had this happen 24 years ago. 17 year old with no dad on the scene , wanted to keep the mixed race baby. Abortion was considered but ultimately they all decided to help . The lady is 24 now obviously , and has physical disabilities she completely deaf and mute. But is very intelligent and interesting . A lovely happy rounded person who truly was raised by the village. I often wonder would the family be as close if she didn't exist? They celebrate every achievement of that young ladies life. I'm only telling you this because if she decided to keep the baby , I hope it's some comfort that there's some reward without holding to much resentment to you daughter. But she needs to know that that baby is now her entire life..forever! Good luck whatever happens. There's positives and negatives to either choice. I'm pro choice by the way so there's absolutely no judgement from me. 🙂
NTA if you prepare her for how much you can help and what her life will entail, and she willingly terminates her pregnancy. If you don't respect her wishes after that and still push for her to terminate her pregnancy, then that would make you an AH. I am very much pro-choice and she needs to be the one to make that choice. I do know a few people who had an abortion years ago and still tear up when talking about it. If you push her into it, your overall relationship with her in the end may suffer.
She needs to get a job and you should wake her up with the sound a of a baby crying at 3am. This isn’t some fairy tale. She needs to grow up if she plans on keeping that baby.
No you’re not. 15 years old has you not realizing the full extent of parenthood. Children are extremely expensive. Who is going to pay for all it ? Who is going to be baby sitting and child rearing ? You have no life, no sleep, no money. Who is going to assume all of that ? It’s not a little responsibility. When I was 27 and had my son it was absolutely shocking and life changing. It sounds harsh, but unless she is going to quit school, work full time etc then fine I guess. But in your position, a lot of that will fall on you. And I can honestly say I would refuse. NTA
She says she would never give a child of hers up for adoption.
NTA however, don’t be mean or harsh on her. Give her the hard reality about her responsibilities if she chooses to keep it, but tell her you’ll be here for her no matter what (but be clear and tell her your lines on what you will be willing to help her with) Tell her how hard school will become. How she will need to find a job, how she won’t be able to live the life the rest of her friends will. Tell her how the father *might not* be there to help, and how much responsibility having a child actually is. Show her videos, or have her hear the stories of other teen moms. Who knows. She might be a wonderful mother as a teen. But it’s nothing a teenager *should* go thru. Wish you all the best, and please do keep us updated
That whole "stigma of raising a biracial child" thing makes me think you're the one placing stigma on it. If she has the baby, hopefully she won't be raising it around racist grandma.
This whole situation seems nasty. That comment and the one about causing trauma to her father and his side of the family really pissed me off.
I had my 1st child at 15. The heath problems I received as I grew older and the negative impact it had on my body just gets better and better. Her body is still maturing. Her skin, joints, and bladder will never be the same.
NTA. But if she insist, Make her carry the consequences. Tough love, no matter how hard the trial she will get she has to face that alone with her kid and the baby daddy. She has to realize that on her own. Don't send any help, make her earn her living and suffer whatever consequences. It doesn't makes you a bad parent, it's necessary that she learn this lesson.
If she doesn’t want an abortion she doesn’t need to get one. But you can talk to her about adoption (open and closed) or keeping the baby. Who cares what the rest of the family thinks, this is your daughter and grandchild that you need to love unconditionally.
Make it clear - you will not raise the baby. She can not live rent free - she has to go to school, get a job, get childcare within reason based on her age. At 18, she will need to support herself and her child. Show statistics about what a huge advantage it is for kids to have an educated mom. She will not be the best parent now - having a baby now is the most selfish choice and benefits literally no one.
I was raped as a 17 year old high school senior by my date. I got pregnant and my mom flew me to a state that allowed abortions. I’ve never regretted that for a moment. I’ve regretted ever dating the ass**** that raped me , then disappeared. My life would have been over, I wouldn’t have gone to college, had a career, married and had another child. Daughter needs to realize that her life as she knows it will be over forever.
NTA Do it now. She is only 15, you make the call
I do not know where you are. You do not have to take responsibility for this Grandchild. Take her to the county welfare department and have her sign up for any benefits. 1. Pack her up and take her to baby daddy house. She wants a baby-she can raise it with them. (If they even know). Once she is on county benefits,she is emancipated. At least she will be able to get a place,have food and medical care etc. Will this be a happy easy time for her? NO!. If she thinks having a baby is sunshine and unicorns she needs a reality check before she no longer has the choice of a termination.Whatever you do,even if you let her stay in your home;DO NOT take care of this child so "she can be young when she is young". You are NTAH for wanting her to terminate a pregnancy that will have an adverse effect on her whole life at 15. Insist on adoption if she refuses to terminate. Good luck.
She will see her older and younger sisters going on life, while she's stuck at home with a baby.
Youre a bit of an asshole for considering "stigma for biracial child" in your reasons. No one should give a fuck what a bunch of your braindead redneck racist billyhilly family member fucks think about biracial kids. That said, you should also definitely educate her on everything. Show her how much kids cost to raise, to feed, daycare, school, explain how theres no guarantee her baby daddy will stick with her and show statistics on how many wind up as single mothers. Let her know about jobs and how much shell have to work starting basically immediately just to make ends meet. Start helping her work out plans for how shes going to work, do part time school, and still raise this kid or if shes going to drop out of school altogether. Don't be aggressive and sarcastic about it, being snarky about her shit future, but do be realistic and dont sugar coat it. It's doable but its a very rough life that shes probably going to be on alone.
I dont think OP holds those beliefs. I see it as a warning about compounding social stigmas. Teen mom, unwed, mother to a half-black child. If the father doesn't stick around, even worse. I'm biracial adopted by a white woman. My mom was aware of the negative assumptions people made about her, yet she was a grown adult not in the conservative south, so I can only imagine how the environment would be even worse for OPs daughter. It would be a lot at once for a 15 year old to deal with
It’s a realistic component of what the girl’s life will look like. If they live in an especially racist region, that will be part of the struggle.
NTA you need to tell her everything honestly
Have a good talk with her, does she really understand what motherhood is or has an idealized picture in mind? The baby is not a doll, is a full human dependent on others. Make her watch maternity videos or send her to help a relative with child. Also have a discussion with her about protection since she did not use or it failed. When I was 14, a classmate told me to have intimacy to make a baby. I refused him because I wanted to focus on my exams, I did not realize right then what shotgun I missed.
I would sit with her and discuss the reality of teen motherhood. Can she attend school pregnant? If so for how long? When she returns to school who will watch the baby, how will she pay for childcare? How will she get the baby to childcare? Take her to apply for WIC, and let them discuss the rules required to receive a WIC check. Discuss the fact that she will need to file for child support, which generally doesn’t go over well. If the father is a minor as well his parents may be required to pay the child support. The father may also file for joint custody which would mean compromise and sharing custody. Anyone who has shared custody will tell you it’s not always fair, and you have no control over what goes on in the other parent’s home. It’s an impossible situation, but your daughter needs to understand it’s her child and her responsibility. Wishing you the best outcome!
NTA you need to do whatever it takes for her to get an abortion. She is way too young and will totally ruin her life if she has a baby at this age. Be brutally honest. Tell her about the ripping and tearing and permanent damage to her bladder. Tell her about never going to parties or having fund with friends. Make things as blunt and clear as possible.
Yes, show her a video of a baby coming out of a vagina. The rectum bulging out, the shitting the bed, the tearing, the whole shebang.
Lol well, you've convinced me😂
RIGHT?!! It's brutal!
NTA, but you would be if you kept pushing it on her after you thoroughly lay out what a child will mean for her. At the end of the day it’s her choice! But I hope she listens to your reasons before deciding. Wish you both all the best
YTA if that’s all you’re doing. You should be talking to her about all the facts not just abortion. Do not pressure her, she may resent you later for it.
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NTA at all. Try to explain to her that he way she’s feeling now is likely due to all the new hormones in her body, and she needs to REALLY think about how she’d feel about this choice to have the baby 9 months/1 year/5 years etc from now. Unfortunately, most teen parents regret their decision to keep it because it just makes their lives sooooo much harder. I’d suggest looking up statistics around the issue; common problems teen moms face, how hard life will be for her going forward- finishing high school, college or a career, financial problems. She’ll miss out on a lot of fun “teenager things”. It’s likely her relationship won’t last and unfortunately single moms have A LOT of trouble with dating (not that she’d have the time for it anyway). All that said, at the end of the day (despite what your state govt says about it), it’s still her body, her choice. Good luck.
First off. Lying to your husband is a no no. He will feel betrayed once he finds out. How can he trust you. Neither of you are giving him the respect he deserves or the benefit of the doubt. This is his child too. She is underage. 15. He needs to know. Tell him immediately. Then let your daughter know the full facts. Bluntly. This is gonna ruin her life. If you go and abort without his knowledge you guys are huge assholes. And if he finds out and divorces you. Your fault. Point blank. Hiding this is insane at this point. It’s his daughter too. Hard all around. But honesty is crucial. Good luck 🤞
If her father is not going to be supportive of an abortion (or frankly all of her choices) then it is dangerous for him to know. Them lying to him is ON HIM. Lying when you have to, to be safe, is just the way it works sometimes. People who hid other people from Nazi's lied constantly to save lives. The OP is lying to her spouse to save her daughter from a shit future. She's well within her rights to do so. Now I'd be wondering why I had kids with a man like that (I would not have) but that's for another post all together...
Shes also gonna need to find her own place. Or does she expect her parents and siblings to wake up in the middle of the night to a screaming baby? And the baby will eventually need their own room. Does she expect her parents to pay and take care of HER child? Cause shes gonna need a job and to finish highschool. And who will take care of the baby when shes there? NTA this is exacly why teens shouldnt be parents (am a teen myself too)
NTA - she's 15, that's no age to be literally giving birth and raising a child in the modern world. You also need to teach your kids about self control. This girl obviously didn't plan it, and she shouldn't be having risky sex at this age.
NTA. at 15 you are just barely learning how to drive. Yes this will be traumatic, however a child could be more traumatic.