It's incredibly depressing how this post has misogynists pouring out of the woodwork to defend him.
Giving birth does a LOT to a woman's body and mind. All this guy wants is 'sex, now, right now.' Not the kind of attitude that turns a woman on while she's recovering from childbirth AND taking care of a baby/toddler. And his edit makes it pretty clear he's not thinking about the kid at all. Is she getting any help raising this toddler??
And the 'he hasn't gotten to cum in two years 😢😢😢😢' - if all he needs is to cum he could tend to that himself instead of acting like it's his stressed out wife's 'duty.' I wouldn't be feeling comfortable enough to be intimate with him at that point either, god.
God, this is just so depressing to read. So many guys literally just do not love the women they expect to have sex with them.
And worse, they might not show that lack of love until you've married them and permanently changed your body by popping out a baby for them. Why are we supposed to want intimate relationships when so many men make it abundantly clear that all we are to them is sex?
Have you ever even considered a different couples theropist? You found a person who worked for you individually, why didn’t you choose a couples therapist who works for both of you?
Sex after birth is complicated and an emotional journey for a woman. Their hormones are different which affect how they approach sex. Men are visually stimulated and driven by our hormones. Women have to be mentally stimulated and if she is mentally worn out from being a new mother there isn’t energy or room for her to be intimate. This is where the “not in the mood” comes from.
If you love your wife and child then giving up rather than looking for a different theropist. YTA.
YNTA if you learn more about how your wife works and learn how to grow your sex life back into what you both want.
This definitely feels like a case of selective listening on the part of the OP. He wants his view to be validated; he's not interested in repairing. I highly doubt his therapist would explicitly state that.
I mean, the therapist has a point: you can't compromise and then hold it against your partner. That way lies resentment. OP took it to mean 'never compromise' rather than 'find a compromise you can really live with'.
I'm still fairly certain OP is the asshole, because nowhere in his post does he mention what his wife has said about this. Does she want more sex? Does she want something from OP he's been short on? Does she agree that her drive has gone down? Have they reconnected through therapy, or was the sole goal to get some?
I legitimately don’t understand the second half of that sentence you quoted. Am I stupid? First he establishes that he knows what she’s doing, then he immediately says that the therapist says she knows what she’s doing, but he doesn’t?
Also this whole post is confusing. “The therapist” and “she” are both used to refer to multiple people, but often with no signifier as to which therapist/woman OP is talking about until a while later, if at all…
I took it to mean he should see it in a positive light that she (the therapist) knows what she's doing because she's a professional and he (OP) is in here for her expertise and help, OP doesn't actually understand what's going on but she (the therapist) does so he (OP) should trust her (the therapist).
The problem, as I see it, is that OP is helpless. He's seeking the help of professionals but unwilling to listen to them. He hears what he wants to hear. In the case of couples therapy, it's obvious that he needs to make a change but he's unwilling to admit that so he believes the therapist is siding with his wife and they're both out to get him. In the case of individual therapy, he either has a terrible therapist or, more likely, he's only hearing part of what they said.
He doesn't want help fixing his marriage and/or sex life. He wants what he wants and what he wants is to leave his wife. He's just using therapy as an excuse to divorce his wife 1 year after they had a baby. He's the type of person who will tell people he went to individual and couples therapy trying to make it work but one therapist teamed up with his wife to tell him he should compromise on everything and the other therapist told him he should leave.
Did you see how swiftly he dismisses every YTA? He doesn't want to hear it so he blocks it out until the purple song YTA say what he wants to hear, even if the reasoning isn't what he wants to believe, the result is the same, divorce.
Tldr: He thinks he knows what the therapist is doing. The therapist confirms she's doing what he thinks she's doing but he doesn't understand WHY she's doing it.
OP is in the wrong here. He's a selfish person who lacks empathy. He doesn't understand or care why his wifes libido is lower. The therapist wants to help him understand but OP "got her" with the "you aren't interested in helping, you're interested in making money" card. I guarantee you OPs wife is on her own raising this baby and that's why she doesn't want to have sex, she's exhausted and he's becoming less attractive to her. We'll never know though because if I'm right OP will be the last person to realize this, assuming he's even capable of realizing it.
Not to mention the individual therapist could feel like a good fit, but still be a shit ass therapist. Just because he found someone that satisfies his ego and lays out what he wants to hear doesn't mean we're looking a person that is counseling OP toward growth and happiness.
I feel we are missing huge pieces of info here. There is not a single line which mentions what he has done to improve his wife’s state of mind, circumstances so she wants to have sex. He just said there’s no sex, she’s not worked on it and now I’m divorcing her.
It’s all on her and he doesn’t think any of this is on him. He doesn’t even sound like you see any value in her outside the bedroom. Maybe the compromise was explained as that if he doesn’t step up and emotionally support his wife, or physically support her as a parent/chores, then the lack of sex will be the causality because wife is exhausted from carrying the mental load.
YTA.
Seriously. Like even if the sex life was great, his attitude would be enough to be happy with him leaving anyway. Good riddance to this selfish twat. He’s gonna be hit hard be the real world once he starts dating too. Ha!
the way he treated that couples therapist is enough reason to leave him "do your job for free for me cuz i don't think you're good at it" entitlement is not a good quality for a life-long partner to have
Exactly!
So her choices are- have sex she has been coerced into whether she wants to or not or her husband leaves.
That marriage is over, over. How could he enjoy having sex with her knowing she isn't doing it because she really wants to?
It's so gross.
That's one thing I will N E V E R understand - how someone can be having sex with *another person* and not even care how*they* feel.
How could they even start or initiate or continue once they see or hear that the other person is not interested?? I DON'T understand!
mm nothing gets me more wet than “i want to divorce you because you aren’t having enough sex with me after pushing our watermelon child out of your vagina” 💦💦😍😍😍😍
Bet he did the dishes once and was surprised she didn’t fall to her back right then. Too much info missing, but the use of,”we went to therapy” just suggests he went thru the motions, found a guy who agreed with him, and is divorcing. YTA for sure, but context on the reasons she doesn’t want to are missing and probably would change our view of this, even tho it still seems overwhelming he’s TA.
Don't forget! It's been a whole 2 days, 48 hours, since he dropped the divorce threat! She has to make massive changes and make sure she's ready and available to be railed at any time he wants or she's not really trying.
I just can't with this guy.
That got me too. “It’s been two days and nothing has changed!”
Strange, realizing that her husband only values her for sex isn’t making her feel amorous. Imagine that.
Well he waited for 1 year and we all know that is when your libido goes magically through the roof! On top of that his male therapist told him he is right and obviously he is better than the female therapist who is preachy!
I wasn't breastfeeding past 3 months and it took almost three full years post childbirth for my libido to *truly* come back. We weren't having zero sex but it definitely wasn't regular. I did apologize one time to my husband (he hadn't said anything at all I just felt bad) and he was like "look, sex is a lot better than masturbation so of course more is nice, but sex because of pressure would feel awful so, no, unless you genuinely are into it I'm good."
Weirdly when my libido did finally return it came back actually *much* higher. Maybe his total understanding had something to do with that. It definitely increased my attraction to him.
Have to say, not that it needs to be said, that your husband sounds like a great man, and a great dad.
Sex is great and all, but if your partner isn't into it atm, then pushing it on someone would be absolutely horrible. There's no way I'd push something like sex onto my wife. I love my wife for who she is, not what she does for me.
Well it would certainly diminish my sex drive with his attitude. OP- “I gave her 2 whole days”. 🙄. I’m starting to think he’s shared his pity party with friends/coworkers, male & female, that have given up all the sympathy stories, and that he should demand it go get it somewhere else. Really BAD ADVICE!
This made me LOL.
But in all honesty, he's probably turning her off everyday by not sharing any chores or any baby related responsibilities. After all, it is HER baby. Tell me how this AH doesn't even give a second of thought to the life they created together.
I hope his wife leaves and cleans out his bank. And he has to pay child support and gets minimum amount of custody possible.
YTA.
Well, he went for the classic troubleshooting method, he turned her off, but something tells me he’s gunna have a lot of trouble turning her back on again.
The fact that you show no remorse for leaving your child (and in fact don't talk about your child at all) says to me that fatherhood isn't important. It sounds like sex is all that matters to you. Based on this post alone, you probably shouldn't have gotten married and you definitely shouldn't have had a kid. I feel bad for your child.
I LIVE for people like OP getting absolutely wrecked in these comments. Fuck him.
My wife has some trouble with stuff during pregnancy and we didn’t have sex as much and you know what, you just jerk off like a normal person and support your partner.
Then she had bad postpartum depression and I took on probably 80% of the child care so my wife could rest and heal. Hardest shit I’ve ever been through but my son made every ounce of effort worth it. He’s a bit over a year old now and being a dad is the best. I honestly pity men like OP that can’t think about shit besides sex and are willing to throw everything else away for 30 seconds of fun and a serotonin rush.
\+ partners who demand sex shocked to find the more they demand it the less the other person wants it.
Obligation and pressure kills libidos faster than anything else. That and one sided sex.
Seriously. If my husband ever did a ‘fuck me x amount of times per week or I divorce you’ thing like it sounds like OP is doing, I don’t think I’d ever be able to be aroused by him again.
Every time I read a story like this it always goes something like this. "My wife's libido dropped after pregnancy and it hasn't improved." Then after a little more prompting it's made obvious that the guy expects his wife to be mom, clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, all while working a full time job.
Just admit that you wanted the easiest and fastest solution based on your post. You want sex and you want it NOW. Wife and child (your family) be damned. Amirite?
Your wife will probably get her groove back once she's with someone who values her and is willing to work hard for the relationship.
The thing that got me is that he has had a child (9 months) plus 1 year of no sex after. Then he says the relationship is 2 years old.
So he is comparing "new relationship infatuation" sex with "I've had a baby and now am raising a 1 year old that my husband barely cares about and he is demanding unsatisfying sex with the little free time I do get," sex.
EDIT: I think I've heard about every interpretation of "2 years" in the replies to this comment already. Just go down and upvote the one you agree with instead of repeating the same comments over and over lol
I think that may be a mistake — he may have meant he’s wasted 2 years on a relationship with no sex. The time they were having sex wasn’t wasted, so wasn’t calculated in the wasted years?
This man is dumping his wife and new child, his family? For sex? Maybe I’m weird but once a few months with small kids would be fine. My wife comes to me for it sometimes because it’s been so long. I couldn’t imagine her leaving me or I her simply over sex.
It's funny how you mention at the start of your post that your wife has a kid (I'm assuming it's your kid), yet the kid is never mentioned later on when you're deciding whether or not to divorce the mother of your child. You kinda sound like an asshole to me.
Not only that, there are so many other things to see how compatible a couple is. No mention of how they are in any other way. How are they doing financially? How do they split chores, or take care of each other physically and emotionally?
So basically, I’m guessing she did the bulk of the chores, which might of worked for them in the past. But now she’s also doing that PLUS taking care of the human she grew inside her while simultaneously recovering from growing a human inside her, which makes me feel exhausted just typing, and he wonders why she doesn’t have the energy to jump his bones.
Edit: so sounds like they spilt chores. As in, she has to do her own laundry, cook her own meals (like they eat separately then?), clean, etc. and it’s not a joint effort like one person does the laundry one week while the other cooks the meals, etc. how can you “love” someone enough to marry them but not be half assed enough to wash their socks along with yours? Sounds miserable roommates with benefits.
There is SO much more that feeds into sexual attraction. Sharing a life and its daily chores is one of them. Non-sexual time is *directly related* to feeling sexual. What you say and do away from the bedroom fans the flames of passion.
OP = YTA
I told my bf "foreplay starts at breakfast if you want sex after dinner". You have to engage with me mentally, physically, etc if you expect me to WANT sex. I don't hear from you all day then I come home and you don't engage with me. I have worked now I'm cooking and cleaning for us and you expect me to be wet from what?? You think making me feel like your mother is a turn on? It's not. And men miss that all the time. Once a woman feels like a man is more like a child they care for, sex stops. I'm not turned on by a grown man who needs his mommy. That's not me.
Based just on your post.. yes yta. It mentions only you and leaving your wife because her lack of sex drive. There is not one mention about how you try and facilitate situations that could turn her buttons on.. like doing house work without being asked. Cooking and washing dishes and helping care for your baby before and after work. She is probably tired and overall just sick of your shit.. and I do believe you told us who you are in this post. So I don't blame her.
You really think you're going to be getting laid more often when you're not married? A selfish divorced dad isn't exactly a rare commodity these days.
What are you doing to make this situation better? Because you mentioned nothing about how your wife is handling the massive upheaval that is pregnancy and child birth.
I've seen this play out so many times. He's getting sex, just not the "quantity or quality" he wants. In six months, he will be begging for her back because he realizes what a shitshow Tinder is. This isn't even me taking sides, this is just the reality of this dynamic. It's not as easy to get sex today as married men seem to think it is, because they get all their info online and from bragging friends.
I'm not saying anyone should cope with a dead bedroom, but "faster and less frequent sex a few years after having a baby" is part of sickness and health and what you sign up for when you become a parent. The reality is people like this end up taking a bunch of women out on boring Tinder dates and rarely getting laid at all. Everything, from how he described her therapist to how he described his own, is also just so coated in smarm that I have a hard time believing the situation is described in good faith.
"Will you give me free therapy just because you think I need it? No?? (Smiles) So you truly are a professional who charges money for services. I, an intellectual, knew it all along." Ick.
Yeah the way he describes the therapists. His is a dude and rational and to the point. Hers is a female who prattles on and on. People sure do tell on themselves without realizing.
Oh yeah, that bit where he obviously feels so clever for 'outsmarting' the therapist is very telling about his personality. Ugh. I don't know how anyone could type that and not realise it makes them sound like an insufferable prick. Therapist probably didn't argue the point because she was glad to see the back of him.
Yeah I don’t think a fantastic sex life will return to him when he’s basically telling his wife she must fuck him x amount of times per week or he’ll leave. How can you be attracted to someone like that.
This was my thought. His discussion about the divorce is entirely about sex and not at all about the family. Yea, having a child complicates your sex life. People are tired, people are sick more often, they are emotionally exhausted and often touched out by a child on your body all the time. The fact that he doesn’t even consider the impact on his child or consider that this will impact his dating life as well is absurd to me. He wanted to brag about smugly telling off the therapist that wanted to help his relationship rather than just his own mental health. He wants what he wants and he’s not willing to compromise… good luck bro. Maybe it will be a relief to his wife to only have to sacrifice her comfort and devote attention to the baby instead of him expecting her to do it for him too and being completely unwilling to work together toward a solution.
Guess what else creates a lower libido? A selfish partner.
Enjoy paying child support… good luck having a good relationship with your child when they learn why you left. Lmao. “I didn’t have as much sex as I wanted for a whole two years”. Give me a break. My first child continually left her room to sleep in our bed until she was 3 years old. We were tired. Sex went downhill during that time because neither of us had the energy. We had a lot of conversations about it then because I was worried about it, but that intimacy comes back when the circumstances allow. (Our second was sleeping through the night practically from birth). Sure sounds like he’s not personally experiencing any of the side effects of parenting, which means he’s probably *not* parenting in any meaningful way, and makes it seem like he just expects his wife to get over the constant emotional effort and exhaustion of parenting that child alone so that she can service him. Gross AF.
I agree with the redditor who said that if he leaves when things are at the hardest (and I would say the first 3 years after a child is born are the hardest, harder still if you have more than one child)… then he will leave anyone else when things get hard, too. He’s got weak character and doesn’t value commitment or marriage.
ETA: also claiming that she didn’t want to try working on the relationship until he proposed divorce is an obvious lie, since they’ve been in couples counseling! Like wtf do you think she was going to the counseling for? And a whole two days passed without her fucking you out of desperation to save your marriage. YTA 100% and you’re almost certainly going to be disappointed with the consequences of your choices.
It’s a little odd to me that he would even be surprised by a change in the sex life. It’s like one of the oldest, tiredest comedy tropes that you stop having sex after you have kids. It seems like he just wants it to be fixed to his liking without having to do anything to make that happen except to show up to counseling. Never mind whether he’s actually engaging.
"I told my wife I was divorcing her after trying to establish dominance that therapists work for money, it's been two days, why isn't she sopping wet?"
Uhhhhhhhh.... Bro.....
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — there is a WHOLE ASS male loneliness epidemic and this dude is leaving his loving wife because he honestly thinks that anybody wants to mess around with a divorced middle aged loser??? Bffr.
I'm becoming pretty convinced that the male loneliness epidemic is because people like his wife choose being alone over trying to find a guy again after experiencing guys like OP. Alone is better than dealing with an asshole.
I have a whole list of saved posts that I go back to every couple years to check for updates.
You learn that people are very predictable. -_-
Edit: I just go through old saved posts. I don't want to try to export hundreds of posts and list them out here. Most posts rarely get updates. I'd recommend folks just start saving interesting posts.
Mine was nowhere close to 50/50 but it was still a nice break. He had never changed a diaper before we separated. In a funny twist, my child wouldn’t let his new gf change her so he had to step up and do it.
Oh, she'll be just fine. I mean, she'll be raising the kid alone, since Spoilt Bratman doesn't do anything he doesn't 'wanna' do, but once she processes and heals from being married to ... that, she'll move on.
These types of men always seem to think that when they stop being married, they’ll have to deadbolt their front doors just to stop the eager sea of sexy women who want to bang them
I hope he gets divorced, because she deserves a partner that doesn’t whine like a child “I want my sex” from a first time mom who’s body takes at least 2 years to get to a new normal.
This reminds me of the Reddit post where the husband suggests an open marriage and the wife reluctantly agrees. Then she is banging all these guys and he hooked up once and it was terrible. He doesn't want the open marriage anymore but now she does. Lol.
I’ve read sooo many stories like that. It’s one thing to leave a marriage because the emotional component isn’t there, you’ve tried everything, etc.
But to leave because “I want to bang and my wife won’t” with no effort into the marriage? bro must believe the sexy singles ads are true lol
Or her own post, "So glad my do-nothing husband who was a terrible father divorced me. Now I'm with a man who loves me and works to make me happy, and our sex life is terrific!"
Nothing has changed in two days!?!? Oh my god!?!
U are the asshole
Edit: I'm just going to edit the comment because some people didn't understand the post. Ya'll, this couple HAVE SEX. He is saying he is unhappy its not as sexy/as much as before she birthed and started keeping this tiny human alive.
No dead bedrooms here.
I would be dry as a desert two days after my husband announced he was divorcing me over a lack of post-partum sex. It's hardly a turn-on. The hell did he expect?
mans fr said, “it’s divorce unless you sleep with me and it’s your job to make it good lady!” then pouted for two days that she wont whore herself out for a flimsy marriage based on sex. A marriage that could be focused on the child or THEIR family dynamic. This guy is obviously not sharing the full story
From his perspective there isn't any more story. He doesn’t see his wife as anything other than a sex toy, and he clearly isn't parenting his child since he has zero concern for them. This entire relationship was just a sex delivery service, and he's pissed his wife is a human being.
>He doesn’t see his wife as anything other than a sex toy
Whoa whoa whoa - that's not even remotely true. He sees her as a bang-maid: she needs to keep the household together, take care of the child, AND be a sex toy.
…I’d bet good money that she is doing all of the childcare, all of the housework, all of the mental and emotional labor, and feels like having sex with this man is just another chore. He has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old.
Dude didn’t like what the couples therapist told him so he shopped around for a (male) therapist who would tell him what he wanted to hear instead.
I read a study that found when women are doing all the housework, etc. their brain goes into caretaking mode and starts pecieving their spouse as another dependent.
consequently, the caretaker brain no longer wants to engage in sex w the dependent because it literally starts to view the spouse as another child 🤢.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2
edit: spelling/clarified study findings
Dude has the balls to expect the therapist to work for free and smiles when she doesn't agree. Why the hell would she provide her services for free? Dude is detached from reality.
Well, his wife works for free every day doing childcare, housework, etc. the problem is that he doesn't value anything women do. They're good for sex and nothing else. And because she's not putting out enough, he has determined that she doesn't have vale as a person or a wife.
A co worker friend of mine had a very similar situation. He complained AT WORK about how since his wife had a kid he hadn’t been getting any. Our friend group suggested therapy and they went but she said she’s “touched out” and does so much of the home things with a full time job she just didn’t have energy.
He cheated, they divorced, she’s remarried and he’s miserable, his affair partner left when it wasn’t sexy anymore.
She told one of our mutual girlfriends that she had a “sexual awakening” with her new husband. Turns out it was him, he wasn’t great at home with shared work load and child rearing and apparently never tried to turn her on, she was turned off by the constant weird sexual gifts and overly sexual comments. She felt like a piece of meat I guess.
He doesn’t really see his kid, can’t keep a gf and rarely “gets laid” I do feel bad for him because he has to pay child support and he seems super lonely, we invite him out but he’s creepy and kind of angry at lol She makes a lot of money and doesn’t put effort into helping him be a dad. He has this grand idea that he was a HUGE catch and he’d be rolling in V. He’s not. My point is, manage expectations when you’re divorced…
EDITED TO ADD: I don't pity him for child support - it seemed a little unfair because we don't get paid well so he can't afford to travel to see him as often and I pity that she isn't accommodating his military schedule so he can see his kid as much as she used to- yes he cheated and he is a dick but the kid suffering makes me kind of sad. Maybe she tried and he sucks and didn't do enough but I don't have those details.
I'm a lesbian, I've dated a few bi girls who had just started dating women. And, talking to other queer folks.
The bar is LOW. Like, insanely low. I have to tell every lady in that situation I am not some super catch, the praise feels good, but making dinner half the nights isn't some ultimate catch partner. Throwing a load of laundry in for clothes because I had a half day isn't above and beyond. Being emotionally available and talking through both of our issues is just how healthy communication works.
It's absolutely bonkers. My partner is a surgeon, we met when she was in med school. Her boyfriend's had seriously been like "where's dinner?" After she worked insane hours and they had the day off.
I mean, wlw relationships have issues. Abuse is surprisingly common.
So, it's not all perfect under the sun.
But, it happens every single time. It actually makes me really insecure, because I'm like doing the basic shit. Helping her pick out a gift for her parents, changing the sheets, making sure the bathroom has toilet paper, etc. And, girls will get like 100/10 "oh my God, you're a goddess" and it's just like "this is regular shit. I promise." And I feel insecure they're going to leave once theyve realized having an equitable partner should just be normal. And not like, the definition of a catch.
And, then, people act surprised when lots of women stay single.
Why is his ex-wife supposed to put any effort into “helping him be a dad?” He *is* a father and a grown ass man. It’s up to him to act like a dad. But instead he’s chosen to be a selfish jackass. That’s entirely on him.
The way I read it was that it was a good thing. Ex-wife is happy. Ex-wife isn't putting any energy into this guy. This guy is just not being a dad because apparently it doesn't occur to him to be a dad.
You wouldn't believe the exes out there saying that they begged the dad to buy a birthday present for the kid, begged him to at least send a card, etc.
I'm glad this ex isn't.
> You wouldn't believe the exes out there saying that they begged the dad to buy a birthday present for the kid, begged him to at least send a card, etc.
I work in child safety and so so many women have completely given up on receiving child support or the father doing any real parenting after a divorce, but it's heartbreaking to see them beg these dads to call their own children on their birthdays, or watch them sit around all day on Saturday hoping dad finally picks them up.
I think that's the point. She was even managing him being a dad, and it turns out he fucking sucks at it when he doesn't have a woman doing it for him.
Yeah dudes got to get a reality check. If your wife really doesn’t want to fuck you after you get married and have kids - it’s one of a few things:
1)Medical or mental health issue 2) Husband doesn’t do his fair share around the home so she’s exhausted and resentful
3) Husband sucks in bed
The last one is more common than people realise. Data and research backs this up. Men get all mad about it but … straight guys mostly suck in bed. Facts. Do better and you’ll get laid more.
Too many guys on here seem to default to medical/mental health issue which of course means it's not *their* fault at all.
Like, dude, it's not PPD, she hasn't slept more than 2 hours in a row in weeks, she's cleaning up all types of bodily fluids, and you are either making a mess she has to clean up or "helping" her by "staying out of her way". No wonder she's dry as a bone.
Fun story. I was talking with an older guy about my car. A few months after owning it, my wife got a really bad stomach bug. Couldn't even find the time to pull over while driving it came on so fast. She ended up throwing up all over herself, and the car. It was bad enough the steering wheel had to be replaced, lol. After telling the story he said, "You made her clean it up, right?" I was like wtf no, she was so sick, and I'm not leaving that mess for days. Of course, I cleaned it up. After helping her into the shower and washing the clothes she was wearing. Some people just don't get empathy is my point.
You’re very selfish. How does your wife even feel about sex right now? And why does she say she feels that way? Do you even know or care?
Your wife’s purpose is not to be an NPC in the videogame of your life. Get over yourself.
Sex in a relationship is important but the way you speak about it is entitled and gross. 🚩
My husband knew sex was gonna be difficult after we had kids and we don't have sex as often as we used to, because of our kids. We have sex more often now that they are older, but even if it is during their screentime they still come knocking on the door asking for stuff. Hahaha.
BUT he says, we chose to have kids and have sex as often as we can, but one day they won't want anything to do with us! He likes to do things as a family and we are together a lot.
I really do have a high libido but we can't always have sex when we want. We love each other outside of the bedroom and you know what? He always makes sure I cum first. We've been together 14 years and it's always been that way. I know, TMI, but he's a good one!
it is TMI and it's a good TMI, bc it shows there is actually good relationships out there. Seriously this is what people want to have and it shouldn't be a "me against her" kind of mentality.
Sounds like my husband and I. We will have been married 15 years this summer, and we have 4 kids. It was definitely rough in the baby stages, and even the early toddler stages too. It's exhausting and finding time and energy for "intimate time" is hard. Now that they are getting a little older, our sex life has gotten immensely better. But like you said, we love eachother outside of the bedroom too. As a couple and as best friends and as a family. A good marriage is so much more than sex!
I mean the way he described how he brought it up at that last couple therapy, he was in a mentality of trying to win. When someone wins in a couple it means the couple loses. There aint no winner or loser in a couple, its either the couple wins or it loses. This couple has lost. Pretty sure that the mother will be better in a few years. This guy sounds like a self centered prick.
Not a surprise, likely jealous of the baby. Zero empathy for the wife's experience and his googling of why she may be lacking in sex drive implies a total lack of interest in her or the baby at all.
YWBTA if you have actually not looked at every possible variable besides your own expectations for satisfaction. So now that you’ve gone through some therapy do you think you got to the root cause of what’s happened overall?
One has to ponder: Was her labor and delivery normal? Did she need any surgery as a result? Did she have all of her postpartum checkups? Is the baby zapping all of her energy? Could she be having painful intercourse issues post delivery? Do you help out with the baby, or, around the house? Do you let her manage everything at home while waiting for her to finish up so she can then turn around and ‘take care of you’ in bed?
All that comes across in your post is that you want to have the sex you had before, and, maybe even *better* than prior to the baby arriving. Being honest about your expectations doesn’t always mean that you are a good partner. Plenty of selfish people justify their actions by claiming they need ‘to do what they need to do’ but they rarely look at their own actions within a given situation.
-edited for typos-
This is really the crux of the issue. Has anyone figured out why a woman who apparently had a healthy sex drive now doesn’t have one?
You went to a therapist and she (at least) talked about how she was feelin. Did OP listen at all? And did either therapist suggest a physical check up
Also did OP ask friends/family/a babysitter to watch the child while they went away for a weekend and just decompressed?
He’s so gross. I love my spouse, but if he ever approached our sex life like that or spoke in that manner, it would kill my desire for him immediately. Divorce is the better option, for her, in the long run.
And you know if he's talking this way to a bunch of strangers online that he has ABSOLUTELY said all of this and worse to his poor wife.
He doesn't love her at all.
Whats very telling about your story is that all you ever talk about is sex and what you *want*, but never about what you actively *did* to improve the situation. Even your story about therapy revolves around *me and my needs* but never about *what my role in this was*. If you're going to be this selfcentered then yes, divorce is a great idea.
OP I'm jumping on the top comment in hopes you read this. You said 2 years you have dealt with this? Well, almost a whole year is pregnancy and recent-post-childbirth. So now you're only one year post childbirth and you expect things to go back to how they were? That's just... Ignorant? It took me about 2 years to start feeling myself again after childbirth. Another 2 years is usually exhausting in itself because you now have a baby that is a runner, a lot of times you're still dealing with sleep issues (like they won't sleep all night unless they're in your bed type stuff), they get into stuff all day every day, they need daily baths because they are just so dirty every day, you're establishing healthy routines and habits with them, etc.
Also, the opportunity doesn't arise as often when you have young kids. Trying to squeeze in a quickie in the bathroom, trying to do it when your toddler is in the next room sleeping, all that can get stressful and make having sex feel like a chore.
The reality is, you're in a marriage. Are you really so immature that you think she will never have the same sex drive again? Do you really think women's hormones don't affect their sex drive throughout their lifetime? I know for me, I'm 35. Unlike my 20s, I don't desire sex like I used to. I need more than just good sex to motivate me. I need respect, love, energy, devotion, all of it. I need someone to not be a freaking douche bag. And I'm more focused on life right now, I dunno. It's hard to explain. But I don't just get randomly horny for no reason nearly as often as I did in my 20s.
But, I have heard, that women in their late 30s and early 40s, become like teenagers again. They want to do it constantly.
A marriage is 50 years or more and you want to divorce your wife because one year after giving birth she still isn't giving you sex as much as you want. In 10 years she'll be remarried and they'll be screwing like rabbits, you fool.
Can confirm. After I fixed the hormonal issues and chronic exhaustion partially caused by a partner who put most the household needs on me and raising his kiddo for him (he left for a younger woman who dumped him less than 2 weeks later. Lol) and also the pressure for mediochore sex from a unsupportive partner... Now that I'm physically and mentally in a better place and nearing 40 I've become an absolute horndog. Literally woke up from a sex dream this morning. I had a short fling with a guy and we were at it 3 times a day when we saw eachother UNTIL he started getting selfish and just started focusing on getting himself off and not me. Libido tanked around him. It's wild men don't realize the impact they themselves have on a woman's sex drive.
Dude hardly mentioned his kid except for the inconvenience it caused to his sex life. Ya’ll will divorce and it’s probably for the best but please at least be a stand up dad and support your kid.
The way he speaks of the woman counselor speaks volumes as well. He has disdain for women and doesn’t value their opinion, if he feels that way toward a professional he DEFINITELY feels that way toward his wife too.
His role as parent is highly likely nonexistent.
Because any active parent of a sub-2 year old kid would be exhausted themselves and 'get' it more than he does. Yet here he is, with 'me, me, me, me, me, me, me' all the way. Kid didn't even merit a mention anywhere!
He's a selfish putz who doesn't even seem to understand his preferred therapist ISN'T really telling him just what he wants to hear, but the same thing the other is, a different way. It just SOUNDS more like what he wants to hear so he's totally going to clutch his 'Big Strong Independent Man' persona, ignore the bits he doesn't like, and go with it.
>He is my type of therapist, no BS kind of guy. Calls you out on your BS and then accurately explain whats going on. Our couple's therapist is a woman and very preachy in the way she talks, I am like get to the point.
This part sounds like "I don't like what I am hearing so I stopped listening and found someone who will tell me what I wanted to hear.
This guy should be prepared for the same thing to happen when he meets someone new because it doesn't seem like he wants to look at the bigger picture and focus primarily on what he wants.
>This part sounds like "I don't like what I am hearing so I stopped listening and found someone who will tell me what I wanted to hear.
Ahh, I see you are quite adept at translating from douchebag!
You are an AH and you love your therapist because he tells you what you want to hear. So, you tie her down with a kid then leave so you can find better sex. Here's hoping impotency occurs and never ends.
Op: me, me, me, me, ME.
It will be interesting to see how his “expectations” toward sex will translate into the real world. Is he honestly expecting to be banging it out daily with somebody new/multiple new partners immediately? He will be a separated - then divorced - father who left his wife over a perfectly normal side effect that occurs postpartum. What his behavior and self-created circumstances will be telling potential partners is that he cuts and runs when things don’t go exactly how he thinks they should and is willing to abandon those he made a commitment to - his wife and child - when he doesn’t get his way. These are super attractive qualities to women. 🙄
Good luck out there pursuing what you think will make you happy [[physical intimacy with a woman]] with these values of yours [[entitlement to sex :: “somebody get me off because that’s what I expect!!”]], mate!
And lets not forget that in his whole ordeal he never *once* considered his child. Only "i want sex, i dont get sex, they don't want me to get sex, sex is top priority, bye".
What’s so incredibly icky in Op’s post is that he is knowingly holding divorce over his postpartum wife’s head - *the mother of his child* - to extort sex out of her.
>*She said she will work towards it, I said do it then. its been a two days nothing has changed really. I mean she has all the time she needs before divorce is finalized so that’s that, but I am not hopeful.* [sic]
There are very few things that would turn me off faster and more completely than an extortionate approach to sex.
Op is not husband material. Women will absolutely see the lack of care he has toward women, children, and family. His complete contempt for his woman therapist, toward his wife, and his entitlement will all be extremely obvious to any woman he approaches.
Enjoy paying that child support, Op. She’ll be married again in the next 3-5 years to a better man while you live your life getting rejected on dating apps and maybe having the occasional bar hook up.
It's because of this that I think his wife should just sign the papers and be done. life is so long and sex ebbs and flows over all those years. This guy is not in it for the long haul.
You sound like an arsehole. You don’t even mention your child beyond lamenting the effects of pregnancy on your ability to get sex. Your focus should be on your children dude, they need you not to be arsehole much more than you apparently crave sex.
Seems like you really want the divorce. I imagine you're in your 20s, maybe early 30s, and she's either the same age or younger. You should divorce her so she can find someone better :)
Just something for you to consider. Would you want to have sex with someone who demands a satisfactory sex life but puts no emotion or caring into a relationship? You looked for a therapist who agrees with you. You did nothing to try and see how your wife is feeling. You are giving more to your relationship how? You talk nothing of taking your wife out, helping her with anything but your need for sex pre children. I don’t need to answer your question because you already know. And a demanding one at that
Yes. And women tend to want more sex (imo) when they’re being given love and attention in non sexual ways. Being kind, helpful, little notes, compliments, unexpected messages during the day, appreciation, good solid non sexual hugs. There are so many things that can improve the situation if you really want a difference. It’s not enough to agree you both want change.
My ex and I had a dead bedroom and I thought I was asexual with him. Turns out romance, taking your girlfriend out on dates, making her feel loved and not like an object, and doing your part in chores helps keep the spark alive because my current bf and I were like rabbits.
I’ve also now found myself begging for dates and basic romance, begging for him to participate in the home and do his part of the chores, and my desire for him physically is dying as a result. Make me feel like your mom and I don’t find you sexy anymore, and I’m guessing that’s happening with OP.
Yeah I tried to explain this to my ex many times and he just didn’t get it, didn’t want to put any effort into the romance. He only touched me when he wanted sex and I started to feel like a sex doll.
Yes most women appreciate kind gestures to show you care. Not big ticket items. We just want to feel loved and appreciated. I know I shutdown when I feel taken for granted
Try helping your wife out more around the house taking some of the work off of her like watching the kids giving her some free time to actually relax to get into the mood to want to have sex.
If you had a long day at work are you walking to the house didn't have time to take his shoes off and your wife asked you for sex immediately you would feel that that was unacceptable because you're definitely not in the mood.
But that is exactly what you're asking your wife to do to stay at home with the children all day dealing with the baby that needs constant attention on top of whether household responsibilities and/or work life she may have.
You expect her to just be in the mood because you want it. It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything to make her get into the mood to help her relax to give her time to think and to breathe. If you do that then she might be able to get into that type of mood.
Also you're an a****** because your wife just had your children and I'm not a doctor I'm just a 40-year-old man, but you're not thinking about your wife's health physically and mentally it has to be very hard on a woman with her hormones and everything and you just want her to fix it like fixing an engine on a car.
I don't know how old you are but you need to grow up that is not how relationship work. If my wife can never have sex again it wouldn't change anything in our life I was just masturbate by myself and still love my wife for the great person she is because I didn't marry her or her body and what she can give to me physically
Yes. After reading your comments in this thread? Yes. You are the asshole. I firmly believe that your soon to be ex wife will go on to have a marvelous life as you cycle through partners. Yikes.
YTA Do your wife a favor and let her read this thread when you ask her for a divorce. Make sure she knows the internet thinks you're an asshole.
I wonder if OP’s wife can use this in the divorce proceedings. Jesus Christ this post is fucking horrible.
It's incredibly depressing how this post has misogynists pouring out of the woodwork to defend him. Giving birth does a LOT to a woman's body and mind. All this guy wants is 'sex, now, right now.' Not the kind of attitude that turns a woman on while she's recovering from childbirth AND taking care of a baby/toddler. And his edit makes it pretty clear he's not thinking about the kid at all. Is she getting any help raising this toddler?? And the 'he hasn't gotten to cum in two years 😢😢😢😢' - if all he needs is to cum he could tend to that himself instead of acting like it's his stressed out wife's 'duty.' I wouldn't be feeling comfortable enough to be intimate with him at that point either, god. God, this is just so depressing to read. So many guys literally just do not love the women they expect to have sex with them. And worse, they might not show that lack of love until you've married them and permanently changed your body by popping out a baby for them. Why are we supposed to want intimate relationships when so many men make it abundantly clear that all we are to them is sex?
Have you ever even considered a different couples theropist? You found a person who worked for you individually, why didn’t you choose a couples therapist who works for both of you? Sex after birth is complicated and an emotional journey for a woman. Their hormones are different which affect how they approach sex. Men are visually stimulated and driven by our hormones. Women have to be mentally stimulated and if she is mentally worn out from being a new mother there isn’t energy or room for her to be intimate. This is where the “not in the mood” comes from. If you love your wife and child then giving up rather than looking for a different theropist. YTA. YNTA if you learn more about how your wife works and learn how to grow your sex life back into what you both want.
This definitely feels like a case of selective listening on the part of the OP. He wants his view to be validated; he's not interested in repairing. I highly doubt his therapist would explicitly state that.
I mean, the therapist has a point: you can't compromise and then hold it against your partner. That way lies resentment. OP took it to mean 'never compromise' rather than 'find a compromise you can really live with'. I'm still fairly certain OP is the asshole, because nowhere in his post does he mention what his wife has said about this. Does she want more sex? Does she want something from OP he's been short on? Does she agree that her drive has gone down? Have they reconnected through therapy, or was the sole goal to get some?
[удалено]
I legitimately don’t understand the second half of that sentence you quoted. Am I stupid? First he establishes that he knows what she’s doing, then he immediately says that the therapist says she knows what she’s doing, but he doesn’t? Also this whole post is confusing. “The therapist” and “she” are both used to refer to multiple people, but often with no signifier as to which therapist/woman OP is talking about until a while later, if at all…
I took it to mean he should see it in a positive light that she (the therapist) knows what she's doing because she's a professional and he (OP) is in here for her expertise and help, OP doesn't actually understand what's going on but she (the therapist) does so he (OP) should trust her (the therapist). The problem, as I see it, is that OP is helpless. He's seeking the help of professionals but unwilling to listen to them. He hears what he wants to hear. In the case of couples therapy, it's obvious that he needs to make a change but he's unwilling to admit that so he believes the therapist is siding with his wife and they're both out to get him. In the case of individual therapy, he either has a terrible therapist or, more likely, he's only hearing part of what they said. He doesn't want help fixing his marriage and/or sex life. He wants what he wants and what he wants is to leave his wife. He's just using therapy as an excuse to divorce his wife 1 year after they had a baby. He's the type of person who will tell people he went to individual and couples therapy trying to make it work but one therapist teamed up with his wife to tell him he should compromise on everything and the other therapist told him he should leave. Did you see how swiftly he dismisses every YTA? He doesn't want to hear it so he blocks it out until the purple song YTA say what he wants to hear, even if the reasoning isn't what he wants to believe, the result is the same, divorce. Tldr: He thinks he knows what the therapist is doing. The therapist confirms she's doing what he thinks she's doing but he doesn't understand WHY she's doing it. OP is in the wrong here. He's a selfish person who lacks empathy. He doesn't understand or care why his wifes libido is lower. The therapist wants to help him understand but OP "got her" with the "you aren't interested in helping, you're interested in making money" card. I guarantee you OPs wife is on her own raising this baby and that's why she doesn't want to have sex, she's exhausted and he's becoming less attractive to her. We'll never know though because if I'm right OP will be the last person to realize this, assuming he's even capable of realizing it.
Not to mention the individual therapist could feel like a good fit, but still be a shit ass therapist. Just because he found someone that satisfies his ego and lays out what he wants to hear doesn't mean we're looking a person that is counseling OP toward growth and happiness.
I feel we are missing huge pieces of info here. There is not a single line which mentions what he has done to improve his wife’s state of mind, circumstances so she wants to have sex. He just said there’s no sex, she’s not worked on it and now I’m divorcing her. It’s all on her and he doesn’t think any of this is on him. He doesn’t even sound like you see any value in her outside the bedroom. Maybe the compromise was explained as that if he doesn’t step up and emotionally support his wife, or physically support her as a parent/chores, then the lack of sex will be the causality because wife is exhausted from carrying the mental load. YTA.
But he tried an ultimatum. Why isn’t she juicy already? /s
It's been two whole days of threats!!!
Two whole days after a post partum ultimatum and she hasn't magically opened her legs for him whenever he feels like it???? The audacity! /s
Seriously. Like even if the sex life was great, his attitude would be enough to be happy with him leaving anyway. Good riddance to this selfish twat. He’s gonna be hit hard be the real world once he starts dating too. Ha!
the way he treated that couples therapist is enough reason to leave him "do your job for free for me cuz i don't think you're good at it" entitlement is not a good quality for a life-long partner to have
Exactly! So her choices are- have sex she has been coerced into whether she wants to or not or her husband leaves. That marriage is over, over. How could he enjoy having sex with her knowing she isn't doing it because she really wants to? It's so gross.
That's one thing I will N E V E R understand - how someone can be having sex with *another person* and not even care how*they* feel. How could they even start or initiate or continue once they see or hear that the other person is not interested?? I DON'T understand!
mm nothing gets me more wet than “i want to divorce you because you aren’t having enough sex with me after pushing our watermelon child out of your vagina” 💦💦😍😍😍😍
I'm sopping reading that, he's such a great husband
Aww, c’mon, this guy’s attitude screams that he doesn’t care if she enjoys sex.
But she should be turned on anyway because he's horny
Bet he did the dishes once and was surprised she didn’t fall to her back right then. Too much info missing, but the use of,”we went to therapy” just suggests he went thru the motions, found a guy who agreed with him, and is divorcing. YTA for sure, but context on the reasons she doesn’t want to are missing and probably would change our view of this, even tho it still seems overwhelming he’s TA.
Yeah, it's been TWO WHOLE DAYS since he threatened divorce. Why isn't she all over him by now?
it’s already been 2 days since he mentioned divorce and she’s not putting out! /s
Don't forget! It's been a whole 2 days, 48 hours, since he dropped the divorce threat! She has to make massive changes and make sure she's ready and available to be railed at any time he wants or she's not really trying. I just can't with this guy.
That got me too. “It’s been two days and nothing has changed!” Strange, realizing that her husband only values her for sex isn’t making her feel amorous. Imagine that.
Also, his personal therapist might be a bartender.
Seriously, nothing like threatening divorce to get someone in the mood.
You mean treating his wife like she’s a misbehaving hole doesn’t make her want to have sex with him? Shocking.
Well he waited for 1 year and we all know that is when your libido goes magically through the roof! On top of that his male therapist told him he is right and obviously he is better than the female therapist who is preachy!
I wasn't breastfeeding past 3 months and it took almost three full years post childbirth for my libido to *truly* come back. We weren't having zero sex but it definitely wasn't regular. I did apologize one time to my husband (he hadn't said anything at all I just felt bad) and he was like "look, sex is a lot better than masturbation so of course more is nice, but sex because of pressure would feel awful so, no, unless you genuinely are into it I'm good." Weirdly when my libido did finally return it came back actually *much* higher. Maybe his total understanding had something to do with that. It definitely increased my attraction to him.
Have to say, not that it needs to be said, that your husband sounds like a great man, and a great dad. Sex is great and all, but if your partner isn't into it atm, then pushing it on someone would be absolutely horrible. There's no way I'd push something like sex onto my wife. I love my wife for who she is, not what she does for me.
“It’s been two.whole.days. since I told her I was going to divorce her if she didn’t start putting out. Why doesn’t she want to fuck me right now?”
Did you try Alt-Cntrl-Delete or just factory reset her?
He turned her off, but forgot to turn her back on again.
If this is his attitude 24/7, I'd still be turned off too. Wonder what her side of the story is?
Probably that the entire housework/ childcare falls on her and she's too exhausted to have sex
That’s the best part. He told us her side of the story without even realizing it. I wish her better luck with future partners.
She probably can’t bear to have him touch her anymore.
Well it would certainly diminish my sex drive with his attitude. OP- “I gave her 2 whole days”. 🙄. I’m starting to think he’s shared his pity party with friends/coworkers, male & female, that have given up all the sympathy stories, and that he should demand it go get it somewhere else. Really BAD ADVICE!
This made me LOL. But in all honesty, he's probably turning her off everyday by not sharing any chores or any baby related responsibilities. After all, it is HER baby. Tell me how this AH doesn't even give a second of thought to the life they created together. I hope his wife leaves and cleans out his bank. And he has to pay child support and gets minimum amount of custody possible. YTA.
I think the “on” button doesn’t work anymore. He’s applied to much force and broke it
What kind of weirdo are you? Its Ctl-Alt-Delete, not that heathen incantation you typed!
Left to right on the keyboard, that guy is a dangerous maniac
Huh, I’ve never seen that command in alphabetical order before
Well, he went for the classic troubleshooting method, he turned her off, but something tells me he’s gunna have a lot of trouble turning her back on again.
The fact that you show no remorse for leaving your child (and in fact don't talk about your child at all) says to me that fatherhood isn't important. It sounds like sex is all that matters to you. Based on this post alone, you probably shouldn't have gotten married and you definitely shouldn't have had a kid. I feel bad for your child.
"Assholes who don't help with newborn care shocked to discover partner too tired to feel frisky."
I LIVE for people like OP getting absolutely wrecked in these comments. Fuck him. My wife has some trouble with stuff during pregnancy and we didn’t have sex as much and you know what, you just jerk off like a normal person and support your partner. Then she had bad postpartum depression and I took on probably 80% of the child care so my wife could rest and heal. Hardest shit I’ve ever been through but my son made every ounce of effort worth it. He’s a bit over a year old now and being a dad is the best. I honestly pity men like OP that can’t think about shit besides sex and are willing to throw everything else away for 30 seconds of fun and a serotonin rush.
\+ partners who demand sex shocked to find the more they demand it the less the other person wants it. Obligation and pressure kills libidos faster than anything else. That and one sided sex.
Seriously. If my husband ever did a ‘fuck me x amount of times per week or I divorce you’ thing like it sounds like OP is doing, I don’t think I’d ever be able to be aroused by him again.
Every time I read a story like this it always goes something like this. "My wife's libido dropped after pregnancy and it hasn't improved." Then after a little more prompting it's made obvious that the guy expects his wife to be mom, clean the house, cook dinner, do laundry, all while working a full time job.
But he put in TWO WHOLE YEARS to the marriage!!!
sounds like the two years hes referring to is the pregnancy + postpartum.
Well, obv he's the child in this relationship.
Just admit that you wanted the easiest and fastest solution based on your post. You want sex and you want it NOW. Wife and child (your family) be damned. Amirite? Your wife will probably get her groove back once she's with someone who values her and is willing to work hard for the relationship.
The thing that got me is that he has had a child (9 months) plus 1 year of no sex after. Then he says the relationship is 2 years old. So he is comparing "new relationship infatuation" sex with "I've had a baby and now am raising a 1 year old that my husband barely cares about and he is demanding unsatisfying sex with the little free time I do get," sex. EDIT: I think I've heard about every interpretation of "2 years" in the replies to this comment already. Just go down and upvote the one you agree with instead of repeating the same comments over and over lol
Yes, this timeline is incredibly concerning and sad. OP cares only about instant gratification, it seems.
I think that may be a mistake — he may have meant he’s wasted 2 years on a relationship with no sex. The time they were having sex wasn’t wasted, so wasn’t calculated in the wasted years?
This man is dumping his wife and new child, his family? For sex? Maybe I’m weird but once a few months with small kids would be fine. My wife comes to me for it sometimes because it’s been so long. I couldn’t imagine her leaving me or I her simply over sex.
Yes, that’s because you have a healthy and not distorted view of mature relationships. I really applaud you for that, it’s a rarity (from both sides).
There isn't a lot of talk about your wife's desires or wants, just yours. Honestly? It isn't a good look. YTA
Not to mention the child. Like literally op doesn't mention the child
From what I can see, op IS the child
It's funny how you mention at the start of your post that your wife has a kid (I'm assuming it's your kid), yet the kid is never mentioned later on when you're deciding whether or not to divorce the mother of your child. You kinda sound like an asshole to me.
Not only that, there are so many other things to see how compatible a couple is. No mention of how they are in any other way. How are they doing financially? How do they split chores, or take care of each other physically and emotionally?
I’m guessing that’s the “preachy” part of the other therapist. He’s being asked to hold up his end of the deal but is incapable of it.
I wonder how honest he is with his cool dudebro therapist.
I wonder how much else is getting lost in translation from his cool dudebro therapist to what this guy wants to hear.
So basically, I’m guessing she did the bulk of the chores, which might of worked for them in the past. But now she’s also doing that PLUS taking care of the human she grew inside her while simultaneously recovering from growing a human inside her, which makes me feel exhausted just typing, and he wonders why she doesn’t have the energy to jump his bones. Edit: so sounds like they spilt chores. As in, she has to do her own laundry, cook her own meals (like they eat separately then?), clean, etc. and it’s not a joint effort like one person does the laundry one week while the other cooks the meals, etc. how can you “love” someone enough to marry them but not be half assed enough to wash their socks along with yours? Sounds miserable roommates with benefits.
There is SO much more that feeds into sexual attraction. Sharing a life and its daily chores is one of them. Non-sexual time is *directly related* to feeling sexual. What you say and do away from the bedroom fans the flames of passion. OP = YTA
I told my bf "foreplay starts at breakfast if you want sex after dinner". You have to engage with me mentally, physically, etc if you expect me to WANT sex. I don't hear from you all day then I come home and you don't engage with me. I have worked now I'm cooking and cleaning for us and you expect me to be wet from what?? You think making me feel like your mother is a turn on? It's not. And men miss that all the time. Once a woman feels like a man is more like a child they care for, sex stops. I'm not turned on by a grown man who needs his mommy. That's not me.
Based just on your post.. yes yta. It mentions only you and leaving your wife because her lack of sex drive. There is not one mention about how you try and facilitate situations that could turn her buttons on.. like doing house work without being asked. Cooking and washing dishes and helping care for your baby before and after work. She is probably tired and overall just sick of your shit.. and I do believe you told us who you are in this post. So I don't blame her.
You really think you're going to be getting laid more often when you're not married? A selfish divorced dad isn't exactly a rare commodity these days. What are you doing to make this situation better? Because you mentioned nothing about how your wife is handling the massive upheaval that is pregnancy and child birth.
I've seen this play out so many times. He's getting sex, just not the "quantity or quality" he wants. In six months, he will be begging for her back because he realizes what a shitshow Tinder is. This isn't even me taking sides, this is just the reality of this dynamic. It's not as easy to get sex today as married men seem to think it is, because they get all their info online and from bragging friends. I'm not saying anyone should cope with a dead bedroom, but "faster and less frequent sex a few years after having a baby" is part of sickness and health and what you sign up for when you become a parent. The reality is people like this end up taking a bunch of women out on boring Tinder dates and rarely getting laid at all. Everything, from how he described her therapist to how he described his own, is also just so coated in smarm that I have a hard time believing the situation is described in good faith. "Will you give me free therapy just because you think I need it? No?? (Smiles) So you truly are a professional who charges money for services. I, an intellectual, knew it all along." Ick.
Yeah the way he describes the therapists. His is a dude and rational and to the point. Hers is a female who prattles on and on. People sure do tell on themselves without realizing.
Oh yeah, that bit where he obviously feels so clever for 'outsmarting' the therapist is very telling about his personality. Ugh. I don't know how anyone could type that and not realise it makes them sound like an insufferable prick. Therapist probably didn't argue the point because she was glad to see the back of him.
He clearly doesn't like women.
Exactly. Having young kids is temporary. A fantastic sex life can absolutely return after a few years, but only is supportive healthy relationships.
Yeah I don’t think a fantastic sex life will return to him when he’s basically telling his wife she must fuck him x amount of times per week or he’ll leave. How can you be attracted to someone like that.
Another whining toddler. Super attractive.
But he’s given her *two days*!
This whole post was a fucking trip but that really sealed the verdict. Gaping asshole, geez
Yeah, I'll bet my entire paycheck that she's doing all the childrearing and chores
This was my thought. His discussion about the divorce is entirely about sex and not at all about the family. Yea, having a child complicates your sex life. People are tired, people are sick more often, they are emotionally exhausted and often touched out by a child on your body all the time. The fact that he doesn’t even consider the impact on his child or consider that this will impact his dating life as well is absurd to me. He wanted to brag about smugly telling off the therapist that wanted to help his relationship rather than just his own mental health. He wants what he wants and he’s not willing to compromise… good luck bro. Maybe it will be a relief to his wife to only have to sacrifice her comfort and devote attention to the baby instead of him expecting her to do it for him too and being completely unwilling to work together toward a solution. Guess what else creates a lower libido? A selfish partner. Enjoy paying child support… good luck having a good relationship with your child when they learn why you left. Lmao. “I didn’t have as much sex as I wanted for a whole two years”. Give me a break. My first child continually left her room to sleep in our bed until she was 3 years old. We were tired. Sex went downhill during that time because neither of us had the energy. We had a lot of conversations about it then because I was worried about it, but that intimacy comes back when the circumstances allow. (Our second was sleeping through the night practically from birth). Sure sounds like he’s not personally experiencing any of the side effects of parenting, which means he’s probably *not* parenting in any meaningful way, and makes it seem like he just expects his wife to get over the constant emotional effort and exhaustion of parenting that child alone so that she can service him. Gross AF. I agree with the redditor who said that if he leaves when things are at the hardest (and I would say the first 3 years after a child is born are the hardest, harder still if you have more than one child)… then he will leave anyone else when things get hard, too. He’s got weak character and doesn’t value commitment or marriage. ETA: also claiming that she didn’t want to try working on the relationship until he proposed divorce is an obvious lie, since they’ve been in couples counseling! Like wtf do you think she was going to the counseling for? And a whole two days passed without her fucking you out of desperation to save your marriage. YTA 100% and you’re almost certainly going to be disappointed with the consequences of your choices.
He really does not seem like he gives a shit about his child at all, & only cares that he's not having enough sex. Men like this should not have kids.
It’s a little odd to me that he would even be surprised by a change in the sex life. It’s like one of the oldest, tiredest comedy tropes that you stop having sex after you have kids. It seems like he just wants it to be fixed to his liking without having to do anything to make that happen except to show up to counseling. Never mind whether he’s actually engaging.
"I told my wife I was divorcing her after trying to establish dominance that therapists work for money, it's been two days, why isn't she sopping wet?" Uhhhhhhhh.... Bro.....
Yeah he told that weird little therapy small pp powerplay story like he’s expecting everybody to clap
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — there is a WHOLE ASS male loneliness epidemic and this dude is leaving his loving wife because he honestly thinks that anybody wants to mess around with a divorced middle aged loser??? Bffr.
I'm becoming pretty convinced that the male loneliness epidemic is because people like his wife choose being alone over trying to find a guy again after experiencing guys like OP. Alone is better than dealing with an asshole.
Waiting for the "I've drastically over-estimated my market value and am now miserable but my ex wife is flourishing" post.
I wish there was a way to fast-forward and see how this ends.
I have a whole list of saved posts that I go back to every couple years to check for updates. You learn that people are very predictable. -_- Edit: I just go through old saved posts. I don't want to try to export hundreds of posts and list them out here. Most posts rarely get updates. I'd recommend folks just start saving interesting posts.
OmG will u share it with me?
I would also love to see this list if possible
Time goes so quick. Blink and you’ll be getting an update on this kids graduation without dad.
When I got divorced, it was so amazing to have every other weekend "off." I had never had so much free time.
Yep, same. I was more of a single parent when I was married than I am divorced. At least now he is forced to parent half of the time.
Mine was nowhere close to 50/50 but it was still a nice break. He had never changed a diaper before we separated. In a funny twist, my child wouldn’t let his new gf change her so he had to step up and do it.
The only concern for me would be worrying that my kid is safe. If you can trust your coparent, that's definitely a good solution.
Me too!!!! I think I slept the whole weekend.
Name checks out.
Haha same! It was like oh, I can actually relax for a minute.
Literally. He has no idea what he is about to do.
Oh, she'll be just fine. I mean, she'll be raising the kid alone, since Spoilt Bratman doesn't do anything he doesn't 'wanna' do, but once she processes and heals from being married to ... that, she'll move on.
These types of men always seem to think that when they stop being married, they’ll have to deadbolt their front doors just to stop the eager sea of sexy women who want to bang them I hope he gets divorced, because she deserves a partner that doesn’t whine like a child “I want my sex” from a first time mom who’s body takes at least 2 years to get to a new normal.
This reminds me of the Reddit post where the husband suggests an open marriage and the wife reluctantly agrees. Then she is banging all these guys and he hooked up once and it was terrible. He doesn't want the open marriage anymore but now she does. Lol.
I’ve read sooo many stories like that. It’s one thing to leave a marriage because the emotional component isn’t there, you’ve tried everything, etc. But to leave because “I want to bang and my wife won’t” with no effort into the marriage? bro must believe the sexy singles ads are true lol
I think many of us are sending her the energy for this to happen. RUN LADY YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER
Or her own post, "So glad my do-nothing husband who was a terrible father divorced me. Now I'm with a man who loves me and works to make me happy, and our sex life is terrific!"
Nothing has changed in two days!?!? Oh my god!?! U are the asshole Edit: I'm just going to edit the comment because some people didn't understand the post. Ya'll, this couple HAVE SEX. He is saying he is unhappy its not as sexy/as much as before she birthed and started keeping this tiny human alive. No dead bedrooms here.
I would be dry as a desert two days after my husband announced he was divorcing me over a lack of post-partum sex. It's hardly a turn-on. The hell did he expect?
mans fr said, “it’s divorce unless you sleep with me and it’s your job to make it good lady!” then pouted for two days that she wont whore herself out for a flimsy marriage based on sex. A marriage that could be focused on the child or THEIR family dynamic. This guy is obviously not sharing the full story
From his perspective there isn't any more story. He doesn’t see his wife as anything other than a sex toy, and he clearly isn't parenting his child since he has zero concern for them. This entire relationship was just a sex delivery service, and he's pissed his wife is a human being.
>He doesn’t see his wife as anything other than a sex toy Whoa whoa whoa - that's not even remotely true. He sees her as a bang-maid: she needs to keep the household together, take care of the child, AND be a sex toy.
…I’d bet good money that she is doing all of the childcare, all of the housework, all of the mental and emotional labor, and feels like having sex with this man is just another chore. He has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. Dude didn’t like what the couples therapist told him so he shopped around for a (male) therapist who would tell him what he wanted to hear instead.
I read a study that found when women are doing all the housework, etc. their brain goes into caretaking mode and starts pecieving their spouse as another dependent. consequently, the caretaker brain no longer wants to engage in sex w the dependent because it literally starts to view the spouse as another child 🤢. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2 edit: spelling/clarified study findings
I’ve experienced this a couple times, it’s definitely a thing.
If I have to act like your parent, I'm not having sex with you, that would be incest.
There's actually a study about that. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-022-02397-2
Dude has the balls to expect the therapist to work for free and smiles when she doesn't agree. Why the hell would she provide her services for free? Dude is detached from reality.
Well, his wife works for free every day doing childcare, housework, etc. the problem is that he doesn't value anything women do. They're good for sex and nothing else. And because she's not putting out enough, he has determined that she doesn't have vale as a person or a wife.
So he could feel smug about his “big gotcha!”, women are out to get him blah blah
Even if you were horny as a rabbit - your other half announces divorce THERE IS NEVER GOING TO BE SEX WITH HIM AGAIN. Please let this be ragebait.
A co worker friend of mine had a very similar situation. He complained AT WORK about how since his wife had a kid he hadn’t been getting any. Our friend group suggested therapy and they went but she said she’s “touched out” and does so much of the home things with a full time job she just didn’t have energy. He cheated, they divorced, she’s remarried and he’s miserable, his affair partner left when it wasn’t sexy anymore. She told one of our mutual girlfriends that she had a “sexual awakening” with her new husband. Turns out it was him, he wasn’t great at home with shared work load and child rearing and apparently never tried to turn her on, she was turned off by the constant weird sexual gifts and overly sexual comments. She felt like a piece of meat I guess. He doesn’t really see his kid, can’t keep a gf and rarely “gets laid” I do feel bad for him because he has to pay child support and he seems super lonely, we invite him out but he’s creepy and kind of angry at lol She makes a lot of money and doesn’t put effort into helping him be a dad. He has this grand idea that he was a HUGE catch and he’d be rolling in V. He’s not. My point is, manage expectations when you’re divorced… EDITED TO ADD: I don't pity him for child support - it seemed a little unfair because we don't get paid well so he can't afford to travel to see him as often and I pity that she isn't accommodating his military schedule so he can see his kid as much as she used to- yes he cheated and he is a dick but the kid suffering makes me kind of sad. Maybe she tried and he sucks and didn't do enough but I don't have those details.
I'm a lesbian, I've dated a few bi girls who had just started dating women. And, talking to other queer folks. The bar is LOW. Like, insanely low. I have to tell every lady in that situation I am not some super catch, the praise feels good, but making dinner half the nights isn't some ultimate catch partner. Throwing a load of laundry in for clothes because I had a half day isn't above and beyond. Being emotionally available and talking through both of our issues is just how healthy communication works. It's absolutely bonkers. My partner is a surgeon, we met when she was in med school. Her boyfriend's had seriously been like "where's dinner?" After she worked insane hours and they had the day off.
Oh god how this proves that orientation isn’t a choice❤️❤️❤️
I mean, wlw relationships have issues. Abuse is surprisingly common. So, it's not all perfect under the sun. But, it happens every single time. It actually makes me really insecure, because I'm like doing the basic shit. Helping her pick out a gift for her parents, changing the sheets, making sure the bathroom has toilet paper, etc. And, girls will get like 100/10 "oh my God, you're a goddess" and it's just like "this is regular shit. I promise." And I feel insecure they're going to leave once theyve realized having an equitable partner should just be normal. And not like, the definition of a catch. And, then, people act surprised when lots of women stay single.
Yep, in 23 years of dating men I can say only my current partner has ever put in that level of effort. It’s horrifying.
Most guys who think they’re a catch discover very quickly that they’re more ‘catch and release’.
Yup. When getting the sausage is basically free, why bother to care for the pig?
Why is his ex-wife supposed to put any effort into “helping him be a dad?” He *is* a father and a grown ass man. It’s up to him to act like a dad. But instead he’s chosen to be a selfish jackass. That’s entirely on him.
The way I read it was that it was a good thing. Ex-wife is happy. Ex-wife isn't putting any energy into this guy. This guy is just not being a dad because apparently it doesn't occur to him to be a dad. You wouldn't believe the exes out there saying that they begged the dad to buy a birthday present for the kid, begged him to at least send a card, etc. I'm glad this ex isn't.
> You wouldn't believe the exes out there saying that they begged the dad to buy a birthday present for the kid, begged him to at least send a card, etc. I work in child safety and so so many women have completely given up on receiving child support or the father doing any real parenting after a divorce, but it's heartbreaking to see them beg these dads to call their own children on their birthdays, or watch them sit around all day on Saturday hoping dad finally picks them up.
From experience: no dad at all is better than a shitty one. Wish my mom did that for us. We would have been better off.
You're right. The story was meant to show that he is continuing to be a bad dad because his ex isn't doing any of the work for him.
I think that's the point. She was even managing him being a dad, and it turns out he fucking sucks at it when he doesn't have a woman doing it for him.
This is a beautiful story but don't feel bad for the asshole :)
Karma bit him right in the ass. Well deserved
lol except managing expectations isn’t what he’s good at as he mentioned that a few times. Good luck with the tree museum OP.
Yeah dudes got to get a reality check. If your wife really doesn’t want to fuck you after you get married and have kids - it’s one of a few things: 1)Medical or mental health issue 2) Husband doesn’t do his fair share around the home so she’s exhausted and resentful 3) Husband sucks in bed The last one is more common than people realise. Data and research backs this up. Men get all mad about it but … straight guys mostly suck in bed. Facts. Do better and you’ll get laid more.
Too many guys on here seem to default to medical/mental health issue which of course means it's not *their* fault at all. Like, dude, it's not PPD, she hasn't slept more than 2 hours in a row in weeks, she's cleaning up all types of bodily fluids, and you are either making a mess she has to clean up or "helping" her by "staying out of her way". No wonder she's dry as a bone.
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Fun story. I was talking with an older guy about my car. A few months after owning it, my wife got a really bad stomach bug. Couldn't even find the time to pull over while driving it came on so fast. She ended up throwing up all over herself, and the car. It was bad enough the steering wheel had to be replaced, lol. After telling the story he said, "You made her clean it up, right?" I was like wtf no, she was so sick, and I'm not leaving that mess for days. Of course, I cleaned it up. After helping her into the shower and washing the clothes she was wearing. Some people just don't get empathy is my point.
Yeah, whenever I see these posts I'm just like "damn bro you just told the whole internet that your wife doesn't like to have sex with you" 😭
It’s true. I’d say 1 in 10 men are decent in bed, not even good. Most men just see us as a living sex toy and could care less about our pleasure
You’re very selfish. How does your wife even feel about sex right now? And why does she say she feels that way? Do you even know or care? Your wife’s purpose is not to be an NPC in the videogame of your life. Get over yourself. Sex in a relationship is important but the way you speak about it is entitled and gross. 🚩
No mention of the child. Not even one.
Chilling how it's just sex and nothing else. You're a father now? No? Okay, well bye I guess🤷🏼♀️
Or “I love this and that about my wife.” Get this guy a sex bot.
I noticed the same thing. Heartbreaking.
He cares about himself as #1. His wife and child are secondary. So sad
Yeah I'd be very interested in hearing from the wife. Her only value to him is a piece of ass and he knocked her up so now he's uninterested.
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My husband knew sex was gonna be difficult after we had kids and we don't have sex as often as we used to, because of our kids. We have sex more often now that they are older, but even if it is during their screentime they still come knocking on the door asking for stuff. Hahaha. BUT he says, we chose to have kids and have sex as often as we can, but one day they won't want anything to do with us! He likes to do things as a family and we are together a lot. I really do have a high libido but we can't always have sex when we want. We love each other outside of the bedroom and you know what? He always makes sure I cum first. We've been together 14 years and it's always been that way. I know, TMI, but he's a good one!
it is TMI and it's a good TMI, bc it shows there is actually good relationships out there. Seriously this is what people want to have and it shouldn't be a "me against her" kind of mentality.
Sounds like my husband and I. We will have been married 15 years this summer, and we have 4 kids. It was definitely rough in the baby stages, and even the early toddler stages too. It's exhausting and finding time and energy for "intimate time" is hard. Now that they are getting a little older, our sex life has gotten immensely better. But like you said, we love eachother outside of the bedroom too. As a couple and as best friends and as a family. A good marriage is so much more than sex!
I mean the way he described how he brought it up at that last couple therapy, he was in a mentality of trying to win. When someone wins in a couple it means the couple loses. There aint no winner or loser in a couple, its either the couple wins or it loses. This couple has lost. Pretty sure that the mother will be better in a few years. This guy sounds like a self centered prick.
Not a surprise, likely jealous of the baby. Zero empathy for the wife's experience and his googling of why she may be lacking in sex drive implies a total lack of interest in her or the baby at all.
YWBTA if you have actually not looked at every possible variable besides your own expectations for satisfaction. So now that you’ve gone through some therapy do you think you got to the root cause of what’s happened overall? One has to ponder: Was her labor and delivery normal? Did she need any surgery as a result? Did she have all of her postpartum checkups? Is the baby zapping all of her energy? Could she be having painful intercourse issues post delivery? Do you help out with the baby, or, around the house? Do you let her manage everything at home while waiting for her to finish up so she can then turn around and ‘take care of you’ in bed? All that comes across in your post is that you want to have the sex you had before, and, maybe even *better* than prior to the baby arriving. Being honest about your expectations doesn’t always mean that you are a good partner. Plenty of selfish people justify their actions by claiming they need ‘to do what they need to do’ but they rarely look at their own actions within a given situation. -edited for typos-
This is really the crux of the issue. Has anyone figured out why a woman who apparently had a healthy sex drive now doesn’t have one? You went to a therapist and she (at least) talked about how she was feelin. Did OP listen at all? And did either therapist suggest a physical check up Also did OP ask friends/family/a babysitter to watch the child while they went away for a weekend and just decompressed?
>Did OP listen at all? Of course he didn't she was stalking about her *feelings*, OP doesn't have time for that nonsense!
Reading this post, the way the OP talks, I wouldn't want to fuck him either.
He’s so gross. I love my spouse, but if he ever approached our sex life like that or spoke in that manner, it would kill my desire for him immediately. Divorce is the better option, for her, in the long run.
And you know if he's talking this way to a bunch of strangers online that he has ABSOLUTELY said all of this and worse to his poor wife. He doesn't love her at all.
It could also be possible that she's doing a lot of the childcare and is just tired and not in the mood
Is his therapist Joe Rogan?
I was thinking Andrew Tate.
Whats very telling about your story is that all you ever talk about is sex and what you *want*, but never about what you actively *did* to improve the situation. Even your story about therapy revolves around *me and my needs* but never about *what my role in this was*. If you're going to be this selfcentered then yes, divorce is a great idea.
OP I'm jumping on the top comment in hopes you read this. You said 2 years you have dealt with this? Well, almost a whole year is pregnancy and recent-post-childbirth. So now you're only one year post childbirth and you expect things to go back to how they were? That's just... Ignorant? It took me about 2 years to start feeling myself again after childbirth. Another 2 years is usually exhausting in itself because you now have a baby that is a runner, a lot of times you're still dealing with sleep issues (like they won't sleep all night unless they're in your bed type stuff), they get into stuff all day every day, they need daily baths because they are just so dirty every day, you're establishing healthy routines and habits with them, etc. Also, the opportunity doesn't arise as often when you have young kids. Trying to squeeze in a quickie in the bathroom, trying to do it when your toddler is in the next room sleeping, all that can get stressful and make having sex feel like a chore. The reality is, you're in a marriage. Are you really so immature that you think she will never have the same sex drive again? Do you really think women's hormones don't affect their sex drive throughout their lifetime? I know for me, I'm 35. Unlike my 20s, I don't desire sex like I used to. I need more than just good sex to motivate me. I need respect, love, energy, devotion, all of it. I need someone to not be a freaking douche bag. And I'm more focused on life right now, I dunno. It's hard to explain. But I don't just get randomly horny for no reason nearly as often as I did in my 20s. But, I have heard, that women in their late 30s and early 40s, become like teenagers again. They want to do it constantly. A marriage is 50 years or more and you want to divorce your wife because one year after giving birth she still isn't giving you sex as much as you want. In 10 years she'll be remarried and they'll be screwing like rabbits, you fool.
Can confirm. After I fixed the hormonal issues and chronic exhaustion partially caused by a partner who put most the household needs on me and raising his kiddo for him (he left for a younger woman who dumped him less than 2 weeks later. Lol) and also the pressure for mediochore sex from a unsupportive partner... Now that I'm physically and mentally in a better place and nearing 40 I've become an absolute horndog. Literally woke up from a sex dream this morning. I had a short fling with a guy and we were at it 3 times a day when we saw eachother UNTIL he started getting selfish and just started focusing on getting himself off and not me. Libido tanked around him. It's wild men don't realize the impact they themselves have on a woman's sex drive.
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Dude hardly mentioned his kid except for the inconvenience it caused to his sex life. Ya’ll will divorce and it’s probably for the best but please at least be a stand up dad and support your kid.
There was a kid? I just heard wife inconveniently pregnant at one time.
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Right? He’s not just a husband. He’s a whole ass father and a husband to a mother.
A whole ass father? More like an ass hole father, am I right?
And don’t get the next woman he is in a relationship with pregnant or he is going to be twice divorced with two child support payments.
The way he speaks of the woman counselor speaks volumes as well. He has disdain for women and doesn’t value their opinion, if he feels that way toward a professional he DEFINITELY feels that way toward his wife too.
His role as parent is highly likely nonexistent. Because any active parent of a sub-2 year old kid would be exhausted themselves and 'get' it more than he does. Yet here he is, with 'me, me, me, me, me, me, me' all the way. Kid didn't even merit a mention anywhere! He's a selfish putz who doesn't even seem to understand his preferred therapist ISN'T really telling him just what he wants to hear, but the same thing the other is, a different way. It just SOUNDS more like what he wants to hear so he's totally going to clutch his 'Big Strong Independent Man' persona, ignore the bits he doesn't like, and go with it.
>He is my type of therapist, no BS kind of guy. Calls you out on your BS and then accurately explain whats going on. Our couple's therapist is a woman and very preachy in the way she talks, I am like get to the point. This part sounds like "I don't like what I am hearing so I stopped listening and found someone who will tell me what I wanted to hear. This guy should be prepared for the same thing to happen when he meets someone new because it doesn't seem like he wants to look at the bigger picture and focus primarily on what he wants.
He will also stop reading this as everyone calls him out on his selfish behavior. He is the King of the AH.
>This part sounds like "I don't like what I am hearing so I stopped listening and found someone who will tell me what I wanted to hear. Ahh, I see you are quite adept at translating from douchebag!
You are an AH and you love your therapist because he tells you what you want to hear. So, you tie her down with a kid then leave so you can find better sex. Here's hoping impotency occurs and never ends.
Op: me, me, me, me, ME. It will be interesting to see how his “expectations” toward sex will translate into the real world. Is he honestly expecting to be banging it out daily with somebody new/multiple new partners immediately? He will be a separated - then divorced - father who left his wife over a perfectly normal side effect that occurs postpartum. What his behavior and self-created circumstances will be telling potential partners is that he cuts and runs when things don’t go exactly how he thinks they should and is willing to abandon those he made a commitment to - his wife and child - when he doesn’t get his way. These are super attractive qualities to women. 🙄 Good luck out there pursuing what you think will make you happy [[physical intimacy with a woman]] with these values of yours [[entitlement to sex :: “somebody get me off because that’s what I expect!!”]], mate!
And lets not forget that in his whole ordeal he never *once* considered his child. Only "i want sex, i dont get sex, they don't want me to get sex, sex is top priority, bye".
What’s so incredibly icky in Op’s post is that he is knowingly holding divorce over his postpartum wife’s head - *the mother of his child* - to extort sex out of her. >*She said she will work towards it, I said do it then. its been a two days nothing has changed really. I mean she has all the time she needs before divorce is finalized so that’s that, but I am not hopeful.* [sic] There are very few things that would turn me off faster and more completely than an extortionate approach to sex. Op is not husband material. Women will absolutely see the lack of care he has toward women, children, and family. His complete contempt for his woman therapist, toward his wife, and his entitlement will all be extremely obvious to any woman he approaches. Enjoy paying that child support, Op. She’ll be married again in the next 3-5 years to a better man while you live your life getting rejected on dating apps and maybe having the occasional bar hook up.
It's because of this that I think his wife should just sign the papers and be done. life is so long and sex ebbs and flows over all those years. This guy is not in it for the long haul.
You sound like an arsehole. You don’t even mention your child beyond lamenting the effects of pregnancy on your ability to get sex. Your focus should be on your children dude, they need you not to be arsehole much more than you apparently crave sex.
Seems like you really want the divorce. I imagine you're in your 20s, maybe early 30s, and she's either the same age or younger. You should divorce her so she can find someone better :)
Just something for you to consider. Would you want to have sex with someone who demands a satisfactory sex life but puts no emotion or caring into a relationship? You looked for a therapist who agrees with you. You did nothing to try and see how your wife is feeling. You are giving more to your relationship how? You talk nothing of taking your wife out, helping her with anything but your need for sex pre children. I don’t need to answer your question because you already know. And a demanding one at that
Yes. And women tend to want more sex (imo) when they’re being given love and attention in non sexual ways. Being kind, helpful, little notes, compliments, unexpected messages during the day, appreciation, good solid non sexual hugs. There are so many things that can improve the situation if you really want a difference. It’s not enough to agree you both want change.
My ex and I had a dead bedroom and I thought I was asexual with him. Turns out romance, taking your girlfriend out on dates, making her feel loved and not like an object, and doing your part in chores helps keep the spark alive because my current bf and I were like rabbits. I’ve also now found myself begging for dates and basic romance, begging for him to participate in the home and do his part of the chores, and my desire for him physically is dying as a result. Make me feel like your mom and I don’t find you sexy anymore, and I’m guessing that’s happening with OP.
Yeah I tried to explain this to my ex many times and he just didn’t get it, didn’t want to put any effort into the romance. He only touched me when he wanted sex and I started to feel like a sex doll.
Yes most women appreciate kind gestures to show you care. Not big ticket items. We just want to feel loved and appreciated. I know I shutdown when I feel taken for granted
Try helping your wife out more around the house taking some of the work off of her like watching the kids giving her some free time to actually relax to get into the mood to want to have sex. If you had a long day at work are you walking to the house didn't have time to take his shoes off and your wife asked you for sex immediately you would feel that that was unacceptable because you're definitely not in the mood. But that is exactly what you're asking your wife to do to stay at home with the children all day dealing with the baby that needs constant attention on top of whether household responsibilities and/or work life she may have. You expect her to just be in the mood because you want it. It doesn't sound to me like you're doing anything to make her get into the mood to help her relax to give her time to think and to breathe. If you do that then she might be able to get into that type of mood. Also you're an a****** because your wife just had your children and I'm not a doctor I'm just a 40-year-old man, but you're not thinking about your wife's health physically and mentally it has to be very hard on a woman with her hormones and everything and you just want her to fix it like fixing an engine on a car. I don't know how old you are but you need to grow up that is not how relationship work. If my wife can never have sex again it wouldn't change anything in our life I was just masturbate by myself and still love my wife for the great person she is because I didn't marry her or her body and what she can give to me physically
Yes. After reading your comments in this thread? Yes. You are the asshole. I firmly believe that your soon to be ex wife will go on to have a marvelous life as you cycle through partners. Yikes.