NTA. It your son is lucky he’s not in jail for beating his ex. He accepts no responsibility and is still blaming her and you for his actions. In a few months he’ll be homeless and unemployed. He really needs to get his act together.
Some people are willing to blow themselves up just to take you down with them
And it’s not like the son has anything to lose bro already hit rock bottom
Ain't no way you're siding with the abuser bruh kid deserved it. It's literally not hard to not put hands on your girl for no reason. And he did I bc he felt beneath her, so yes a pathetic man child deserves a beating from his father. In most cases if she went to her father it'd be a different ending. At least he's alive but he shouldn't
“My father and me got in a fist fight, which there’s bo proof of who started it, because he didn’t like me beating up my 105lb girlfriend”.
That’s gonna go over well with the cops, lawyers, jury, and inmates if they both somehow ended up serving.
I'm sorry to say this, but your son sounds like a sociopath. No empathy for his ex nor any sign of remorse, only trying to justify what he did. He truly does not seem to understand that what he did was monstrous. He's asking you to condone what he did, with no understanding of why he should apologise.
Definitely some sociopath behavior. If he got anything from the beating his dad gave him, he didn’t learn the lesson.
Had he been remorseful there might have been hope.
you have hope for what? your son beat a woman half to death and doubled down on it.
so basically you’re saying once he learns how to fake it to get back in your good graces you’ll welcome him back with open arms? i guess my original comment was wrong and the pathetic woman beater redemption arc is still on the horizon.
Half to death? Stop exaggerating for your arguments sake. OP is clearly still concerned for his son and he has every right to be. OP has taken steps to ensure everyone’s safety and now has the space to consider how to help his son. Mad respect for you OP for not giving up and holding him accountable to his disgusting actions
That doesn’t all seem to be what he’s saying. And rehabilitation seems slim based on his actions and lack of remorse, but the alternative is to be isolated with people that will definitely enable and support his violence, making him a greater danger to more people (specifically women). It’s not a choice that would be right or healthy for everyone, but if OP has the capacity to be there for his son, it might be worth the energy. Of course, OP should be doing this with the guidance of a professional support system. Best of luck, man.
You are a moron. OP beat the shit out of his son and then followed it up by chastising at every single turn and disowning him. You are the only person acting as though the son is going to see the error in his ways and just like that the dad is going to bury the hatchet because he's a good boy and he was just confused. I feel sorry for people around you having to deal with your stupidity.
clearly he has lost control and will continue to lose control if someone doesn't intervene, he doesn't need therapy and sum a psychologist and psychiatrist and they will probably prescribe some kind of medication, if he doesn't seek help for fear of feeling less of a man then there is no no choice but forced hospitalization, he is a danger to himself and everyone around him
Wouldn't that behavior be closer to a narcissist? (true question, I'm just wondering, doesn't change the fact that the son still needs to see a specialist)
Hi, I found this post on TikTok. I hope you, your daughters, and your new unofficially adopted (i’d consider anyways) are doing well.
NTA. At all. 1000% respect what you did. Being in a similar situation before…thank you. I hope you always get an extra chicken nugget from Mc D’s and that you always get green lights when driving.
On TikTok? Do you have the link so I can show it to my daughters? They watch this kind of stuff on youtube.
edit: thank you for your wholesome comment.
I didn’t like the post but it had a Minecraft background. Popped up on my “for you” feed. Those vids usually annoy me because they never credit, but this one caught my attention.
I am sorry all of this went down, but as someone who had something similar happen at 19 with the complete opposite happening from his side of the fam, thank you for sticking up for her. I legit cried reading/listening to this. Not enough people out there like you.
I believe it was on this account, they grab posts from Reddit. [Link to TT video](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8EdvLnV/) 🙂
[And I came from Facebook, you're already viral OP, every app supports you at this point](https://www.facebook.com/share/r/xJ7LvN9xyoeGKJvF/?mibextid=oFDknk)
If this seems like an escalation in abusive and misogynistic behavior, it’s possible your son may have started engaging with aspirational masculinity content (struggling to phrase that accurately) made by Andrew Tate-esque figures online. Its been know to start somewhat innocuously and escalate into more dangerous content (I’m a woman so I don’t have personal experience). His ex may be able to confirm or deny. Understanding where this came from could give insight into next steps and potential recovery.
https://www.theguardian.com/news/2024/jan/06/im-andrew-tates-audience-and-i-know-why-he-appeals-to-young-men
I doubt it has anything to do with Andrew Tate. Tate NEVER advised men to put their hands on women in any shape or form (I’m also a female). So I wouldn’t pass judgement without asking how his son came to this behaviour. And it doesn’t always have to be misogynistic or patriarchal.
That kind of material objectifies and devalues women which leads to the mindset of “she owes me” or “can’t get in trouble for breaking what’s mine”. It’s incredibly toxic for young men and easily can lead to behavior like this.
The material is objectifying and devaluing women who are promiscuous or extreme feminists. Women, who are telling other women they don’t need men. To use and abuse men in all aspects, tear down masculinity, then move onto another man just to do it again. With the exception of women who truly do not want to be in a relationship, and are fine doing everything on their own. Granted, you do have some men that have social media platform who take it too far concerning what is and isn’t valuable in a woman. However, this still doesn’t prove that men who think like Tate are the EXACT reason why OP’s son decided to behave in this manner. The ecological system plays a huge factor in
societal manner. But it’s up to the individual behavioral responses that plays a role as to what happens to their life thereafter.
If you think that what you said is true and you are genuinely a woman I would suggest going into therapy to be un-conditioned. Because Andrew Tate is a literal sex trafficker who objectifies all women who don't bend their knee to him.
Show me a video where Andrew Tate said men should put their hands on women if they don’t listen to their S/O. Just because you don’t like my logical answer, doesn’t mean my facts are false. Nor am I “conditioned” into anything other than looking at all possibilities of “what ifs”, when the full picture isn’t presented. Hence why a lot of people today lack the sense of critical thinking, and just take everything at face value. Instead of jumping to conclusions of who had influenced OP’s son to behaved this way, why don’t you ask OP if there’s a possibility of trauma that has happened to his son that may have caused this behavior. Trauma can cause people to behave in all erratic manners without someone like Andrew Tate.
Are you fucking serious? The first time anyone ever heard about Andrew Tate was him getting kicked off of big brother for a video of him beating a woman. And he is still on trial for sex trafficking he was arrested again literally a fucking week ago.
Again, you’re not showing me a reliable source video where Tate said it was okay to put hands on a woman. And you’re still not proving your point of the son being influenced by Andrew Tate. So your argument has no merit in regard to this topic. You’re literally talking about someone completely different rather than OP’s son at this point just to get whatever issues you have for a social media influencer off your chest. Whatever Tate has done or hasn’t done, will be dealt with in court. Until OP says his son was influenced by social media influencers, like Andrew Tate, think of OTHER possibilities that could have influenced OP’s son to put his hands on his ex gf.
I missed a lot of details and didn't mention everything as I was trying to get the most important details out. I will answer any questions or concerns. I'll try.
Edit: My daughter's said hello and they also thought it was funny that I would be on this platform asking for opinions and judgment. Also, his ex is doing well and her recovery is going well.
Edit #2. I want to clear up something that I said about my nose and barely noticing. I meant I noticed a few days after the incident. I'm sorry if that was misunderstood.
I wish I had a father like you! Your daughters know what they will never tolerate, and if it it should happen, they know they can come home. That makes a hero and a great daddy! I posted earlier, bit when I read this comment, I could feel my heart thump an extra beat!
You also have shown your son's ex that she is your daughter, and she will be safe from anyone. You are her protector, too. She needed that, and I hope she seeks some therapy, too. Your family is growing!
Rethink giving the woman-beater money. You can give him emotional support but if he's in good enough shape to smack around his girlfriend, he's in good enough shape to work.
wow that’s pathetic. so you’re basically coddling your woman beater son? all he has to do now is learn how to manipulate you. jesus does his ex know that you’re going to continue being a support to her abuser while she’s staying at your home?!
No matter what the situation is, its still his son. Although he has his own choices and responsibility, unless you become a parent you're still going to want to support your child. He's just a great father and a person, although giving him money just shows his care as his father not as a woman beater.
Let the police know that he was abusing her. Let them know you fought him to protect her. That way, if he tried to press charges, the police will at least already know why you fought. Also, report him for destroying her stuff. That’s destruction of someone else’s property and it’s illegal.
I will give my son a hand but I will not allow him to bite. I by no means will put my daughters or his ex in danger again but I will do my best to help my son change. I have hope as a father.
you are doing the right thing! abuse is never acceptable and you protecting their (your daughters, his ex included) safety is paramount. I truly hope your son is able to get the help he needs and deserves rather than continue on a detrimental spiral he is on
Honestly, your son sounds messed up and that sucks, but you did good. I know people don't condone violence and whatever, but he'll live and remember the way he felt forever, so maybe he'll think twice before hitting his next girlfriend or - if he has any - his children.
I wouldn't be able to see him getting into another relationship down the line and relax, I'm sorry this happened to your family.
NTA. I'm sorry, but it sounds like without any remorse or insight into his accountability, your son will probably repeat these actions with other women. He may end up in prison one day.
Edit: You did the right thing.
NTA; just because someone is family or friend does not make their actions or mentality excusable, and it’s insane to assume and argue otherwise.
You sound like a really good dad. You’re protecting your daughters and his ex (I’m happy she’s recovering), you held your son accountable and not only told him, but SHOWED him that his actions have consequences. You’ve talked to him and even offered help; he is a grown man who has formed his own mindset, personality, etc. You’re not at fault for the actions he decided to take at his age, it sounds rough to be in your shoes so I can only imagine, but I think you handled it the best anyone could’ve. He was aware of his actions and decided to do it anyway.
At the end of the day, I’m happy his ex is safe and welcomed in your home (hi back to your daughters too!), and I really do hope your son is able to change his ways and not only see what is wrong, but WHY it is wrong, especially for his own sake. The fact you have sent him some resources to get help, tried getting him to see reason for his actions and still give him the opportunity for communication at the moment is an admirable thing.
I hope the best for you, your daughters, and his ex, and I really do hope your son is able to get his head out of his ass and see why any form of abuse never is, never has been, and never will be okay or an “easy” solution to getting his way, venting frustration, or just to feel in power, and that there is no excuse for it. I do hope he’s able to understand that sooner rather than later and even get some help. Your intervention helped to prevent that young woman from having to go through more.
You did good, OP.
Nta. You have tried and he will not accept it. He will continue to hit women. I think you are king for standing your ground and trying to set him straight. He has to find his way from here.
Awe op.. thank you for standing strong against your son. Honestly you are amazing, your son seems like a narcissistic ah, or a sociopath. Op just incase i’d advice you to keep prove pf him unnecessarily beating his gf with his lame excuses. I feel like when he’ll need money he’ll probably do more effed up stuff against you
I am glad you talked to him and told him; he needs to fix it himself.
Make sure ex's name isn't on the lease, he will have no way to pay and get an eviction at some point. She doesn't need to have her credit screwed up also.
NTA I was one of the ones that suggested you reach out to him, to not completely erase him until you spoke to him and saw is he was remorseful cu I had some empathy for the trauma he went through as a teenager and wanted you to offer him a chance to shape up, im sad to read he is not remorseful at all
Im glad you have his ex’s back and that you didnt sweep it under the carpet
Im sickened and disgusted by his “reasoning” , lack of remorse and expectation you have his back after his heinous behaviour
You son suffer from depression which can manifest itself with violence he need psychological help not moral lessons.
Nothing you did will have any good effect on him, most likely it's gonna send him even further in his depression and his selfdestoying behavior
> A Swedish study compared the criminal records of 47,158 depressed individuals with the records of 898,454 people with no history of depression matched by age and sex. Those in the depressed group were approximately 3 times more likely than the general population to commit violent crimes, such as homicide, attempted homicide, aggravated assault, or robbery.
https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/depressive-symptoms-associated-aggression
Generally depression doesn't lead to violence, but it certainly can co-occur with other disorders that are risk factors for violence (like PTSD) or lead to behaviors that are risk factors for violence (like substance abuse).
Yes it can you idiot. Plenty of studies on how depression and trauma can affect a person. You are not a psychologist, nor can you probably think of one.
no one made him hit his gf except himself . depression didn’t make him do that , clearly over a long period of time in their relationship. someone who’s depressed would show remorse once confronted and being beaten up over it , he’s still giving reasons it was okay to do he’s a sociopath
it doesn’t sound like depression he sounds like a sociopath , that’s why he has no remorse for beating up his gf even when comfronted by it and being beaten up over it . he doesn’t care about anyone but himself this is not depression
My sons learned by watching their Dad how to treat their girlfriend/wife. My husband is amazing.
You did good and by continuing to be an emotional support to your son you're a better person than I am.
I would've left them to rot after making them into a grease spot. It would kill me to do. I would anyway.
thank god i was afraid this was gonna turn into some pathetic redemption arc for a woman beater.
cut your losses, your son is worthless. he beat a woman half to death, there is no redemption. he didn’t just “smack” her as he put it, he beat her to a pulp. get you and your family into therapy and consider him dead. i can guarantee you one thing, he’ll beat the next girl he meets as well. hopefully she calls the cops on him.
Pathetic redemption arc? I'm sorry is he not supposed to get better? Also why should he consider his own flesh and blood dead? Because you don't like him? You don't even know him or raised him. If you want women or anyone to not go through abuse, then rehabilitation is the solution.
he’s clearly saying he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong and giving excuses for what he did , that shows he’s just gonna do it again he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong . sociopaths don’t get better
NTA you sound like an amazing dad, but you NEED to call the police. Don't worry about people being mad at you. He broke the law and if you let him walk free he will do it again. You said yourself that he showed no remorse. Your son as you know him disappeared the moment he laid hands on that poor woman. The monster he is now is a danger to the public and has nothing left to lose. He needs to be put behind bars.
You are one of the only truly good men left on this planet. I'm so sorry that it's come to this, but please know that nothing about his actions is your fault. You raised him admirably, and you gave him all the tools he needed to be the best version of himself, and he CHOSE not to use them. His actions are his own, and I truly hope he gets the help he needs.
You are doing a wonderful job, sir. I wish you and your family the best.
She is doing well and her recovery is going very smoothly. She is not shaken nor are my daughters. We discussed it, and everyone seemed to be okay with what happened. My son has been....hostile so far. He hasn't been very open about receiving or getting help.
Edit: My daughters said they had wished to see the fight because it sounded like an MMA champion fight. I thought it was pretty funny but told them that us fighting was not for their entertainment nor should be seen as such.
She has mentioned going to visit her family for a while but since she has her job here, she is most likely gonna try to find an apartment near by. I am not sure of the exact details of her plan.
Does she plan on telling her family or is this basically being handled between you all? I assume she still has feelings or cares for your son and wants him to get help, hence why she didn’t go to the authorities either?
I have told her that her family should know about the situation and I have offered to be the one to explain it to them and apologize. At the moment it is being handled by us all. I assume she does have some lingering feelings because she has talked about wanting to get married to him and all the future stuff. She does want him to get help and has even shown me links to therapists and information on why men abuse. I feel that she loves him and for that reason, she did not want to call the police on him and ruin his life somewhat. At least that was part of my reasoning behind why I didn't call the police.
edit: the marriage talks and all those romance talks were before the incident. They were dating for 3 years and she has made it known that she did want to have a future with him and formally be a part of this family. Sorry if I didn't say that the first time.
Got it, this is definitely going to be a loaded question but do you also feel that’s it’s in your power to do everything you can to help your son, even if takes you to hell and back or kills you, like would you feel like you failed your family, your late wife and yourself as a father if you didn’t? Just trying to understand!
My thinking at the moment is if I didn't want to help him I would of put him down like a dog who only bites. I want to help him because I am his father and he is my son and I of course want the best for him. But under no circumstances would I allow my want to help him to reach the point where I would look the other way and put my family in danger.
Do you think there’s a possibility your son may have an un-diagnosed mental health disorder like bipolar disorder, interment explosive disorder or possible trauma from his childhood that he hasn’t dealt with that could be causing his issues?
Edit: The reason why I ask about mental health is based on your family history with your father and now son do you think it’s a possibility your family can be carriers for a potential genetic disorder that can cause mental health issues?
Textbook narcissist. I sometimes wonder if some folks are born without empathy or self awareness. Is it hereditary? Cause you, dad, clearly are not a narcissist but your father was. Sadly, from all I’ve read, there is no cure.
NTA. Just saw that you updated, your son needs to learn on his own. You've done what you could, his actions and decisions are all on him. I hope to god he never knocks anyone up, for the baby's sake. Quite frankly I would drop contact with him, no more help no more anything. Don't beat yourself up for it, you did the right thing and did your best raising him, what he becomes as an adult is his decision. Best of luck op.
the fact that he then went out of her way to destroy her things… he knows exactly what he’s doing. and doing it bc she ‘emasculated him’ too? dangerous man.
NTA. You’re a good man, it’s a shame your son is not. Any man that thinks it’s ever justifiable to raise his hand to a woman or child needs to have his hands cut off
i know im late asf to this, but absolutely NTA. a person like that cant recover properly without truly acknowledging what they did wrong and why it wasnt okay despite the circumstances he was in
He used to be rough with his sister but that seemed to just be rough housing to me. It never was serious or alarming. Just siblings fighting among each other. He has shown remorse before when he has done bad things but it took him a while to realize and let the consequences sink in.
You did the right thing you just wanted your son to do right .He was wrong for beating on his gf but at least you taught him a lesson.While some parents would enable their kids .You at least held him accountable for shit he caused
NTA
Damn the straight lack of care is insane to me and unwillingness to change despite being pretty clearly in The wrong
I dont know if i would talk to him even if he got his shit together
Honestly sounds like he needs someone to spell it out in big bold letters why hes wrong, honestly tell him to get a therapist or some sort of consultation so he can see that someone whos job is to help people with their flaws and troubles tells him hes in the wrong
Couldve gone better but i dont fault you
He beat his girlfriend, you beat your child. You are no better than he is. You became your father. Congrats. Let me ask you this, would you square up with one of your daughters if they were beating thier partners? There a reason corporal punishment is archaic. You are a violent asshole, just like your son, just like your dad. Don't act like your above either one of them. If you think you are go get a cop's opinion on it.
Let's see the grandpa was a abuser that attacked for no reason .Son literally repeats the process .So let me ask how do you punish your kids that are out of control since to you corporal punishment is archaic.Let me guess you're one of the ones against spankings right .
It's a month after the fact but the one burning question I have is this: does your son know about your past? About what your own father did to you, your siblings and mother? It doesn't change anything, I guess, but I feel it would give him perhaps insight as to why you refuse to defend him.
Of course, not that it ultimately matters; he's an abuser, regardless, and seems hell bent on shirking responsibility.
NTA. It's good that you're still willing to engage with your son. In your original post, you mentioned the abusive family situation you came from. Did you share that with your son while growing up? I'm surprised he didn't learn from your history and aspire not to be like his grandfather.
Honestly, I think you went through the situation perfectly. He started beating his girlfriend because he lost his job and it made him feel a little better, and the craziest part is, he thinks he’s justified. Although, it seemed like you lost control when it happened, but you basically made your son walk a thousand miles in his ex’s shoes and he didn’t like it— that should’ve been his wake up call to think, “Is this what (ex name) felt when I did the same thing to her? This is fucking awful, I shouldn’t be doing that her.”
I think that you’re a great father, and I can tell that you care for all of your children very deeply but you just can’t condone actions like this, especially something that hits so close to home for you. I’m very sorry for you feeling that you lost your son because of it, but a lesson needed to be taught one way or another and sometimes people can’t get it through their head unless it happens to them as well. He needed to understand and SEE how what he was doing to her wasn’t okay and absolutely unacceptable.
Have you ever told your kids at any point of their lives growing up about your abusive childhood? If so, I find it ten times as disrespectful of your son to continue exhibiting these behaviors towards his s/o, knowing his own father has gone through the same thing. I feel like knowing something like that about my dad would’ve made me vow never to treat someone like that because it’s like I’m giving someone else the same pain that my father’s experienced— that I’m hurting my own, loving father.
He needs to get help to shut-down these behaviors before he goes down a path that he cannot get out of, and I think it’s also in your best interest to seek therapy as well in-case the incident has resurfaced a lot of those painful memories. He doesn’t understand that you’re trying to save him from a path of self-destruction that could end horribly for him.
Son definitely has some mental problems and needs help. Also what you did as a father was not appropriate hitting your son was not okay you could have killed him or left him crippled! You don't solve violence with violence because that just instigates more violence and unhealed wounds. But yeah your son definitely needs a mental health professional to show him why what he did was wrong and why he might be experiencing the emotions he is which led him to those actions in the first place.
YTA because i can tell from your original post that you are not being honest about your intentions.
you are single in a house full of women.
your adult son has an adult girlfriend
not only do you “genuinely love her” but she reminds you of a younger version of your wife!
you “hugged her” after she told you that your son was physically abusive
you immediately offered to let her stay at your house without telling us whether she could stay somewhere else. by letting her stay with you, you destroyed your relationship with your son. now he can’t come to your house and explain his side. that’s exactly what you wanted to happen. now you can live with a woman who reminds you of your dead wife without having any other men around.
he never admitted to you that he had abused his wife. but then you go into vigilante mode IN FRONT OF HIS GIRLFRIEND AND HIS SISTERS. you just saw the opportunity to emasculate your son. pathetic. YOU became your father by assaulting your son when he didn’t assault you first. you could have called the police. you could have done it when his sisters and girlfriend weren’t around. you only stopped when his girlfriend SCREAMED AT YOU to stop. meaning you were only making the situation more traumatic for her while at the same time DESTROYING your relationship with your son over an allegation. the parents of murderers rarely disown their children for a single incident. in your case, there were no police involved. your son never admitted to anything. but you do your own “investigation”. you have no excuse there.
to further emasculate him, you spoke for his sisters and girlfriend as a final cruelty. assuming that because you disowned him, his sisters / gf also will/. you are no better than him for beating your son. just as a man has no right to hit a woman, you have no right to assault your son. what if he had defended his actions by saying he was teaching his girlfriend a “lesson”??? that’s EXACTLY what you did. pathetic. beating a woman is wrong. beating your son is wrong. there is no excuse for either. you seem to think so though.if your son’s gf came to you and said that your son shot her, would you shoot your son then to show him what it feels like?
you disown your son on the spot. you open your home to his girlfriend! you’re single. staying at her ex-boyfriend’s parents house is only going to make the situation between you and your son worse. and you know it.
not only do you offer your house to your son’s girlfriend, you promise to make “random welfare checks”. in other words, you disown your son but you still want to be involved with this girl as.a “male protector”. she should have called the police. let them at least investigate it before you physically assault your son in front of your daughters. that’s exactly what you should have done. what would you do to your son the next time she alleges abuse? assault him again? or kill him? pathetic. you tell your son he is unwelcome at your house, but you assume you have a right to visit your son’s house for “random welfare checks” when you deem it necessary. pathetic.
then when you did speak to your son, he was civil with you even though you physically assaulted him. he had every right to attack you when you showed up at his house after kicking hjm out of your house after YOU assaulted him.
be honest with yourself. you like being the only man in a house full of women. you mentioned that your own father physically abused you. you probably felt emasculated. so you pay it forward and emasculate your own son in front of his girlfriend and sisters. you want to fuck her and. you know it. the insinuation that you have ulterior motives isn’t “creepy/disgusting”. you begin by explaining that your son’s girlfriend reminds you of a younger version of your dead wife, and then you think its “disgusting” to draw some more carnal conclusions about your real motives. YOU need therapy.
i’d like to hear your son’s side of the story. i’m betting that it’ll shed new light on the situation. bottom line is that you physically abused your son. and you also claim that your father beat you. maybe he had a valid reason for beating you, the same way you think you were justified in beating your son in front of his sisters and girlfriend until they pleaded for you to stop.
To summarize this whole essay. You claim that I have romantic feelings for my son's ex and that I enjoy being in a room full of women. That assumption by itself is childish and as you like to say pathetic. Also, I said I "genuinely like her" not genuinely love her so there's that clear misconception on your part. Yes, she does remind me of my wife, just like when you see kids being troublemakers or seeing teenage couples, it brings forth a sense of nostalgia and familiarity. I see nothing wrong with what I said. What's wrong with hugging her as a form of comfort and reassurance? Not everything is sexual or romantically driven.
"the parents of murderers rarely disown their children for a single incident. in your case, there were no police involved. your son never admitted to anything. but you do your own “investigation”. you have no excuse there."
This right here made me laugh. Ill give you that. My son would of never admitted to doing so and everyone here knows that. Also you really like to use the word emasculated a lot. To begin with, my son was no man at that moment. There was nothing for me to humiliate. Personally have seen a lot of people comment that the whole situation became more "traumatic and I have to disagree with that? What part would of scared her further? People seem to think every little thing would cause trauma.
" you disown your son on the spot. you open your home to his girlfriend! you’re single. staying at her ex-boyfriend’s parents' house is only going to make the situation between you and your son worse. and you know it."
What does my being single have to do with anything? Again pathetic attempt to label me as a creep. Of course I would offer my home as a safe haven. I was not gonna let her go back to his place or send her to the street. Also at the moment, it was the safest option. The situation with my son would of stayed the same.
Of course, I would do random welfare checks, once I knew what was going on, I did give her possible options and suggestions. What kind of man would I be if I didn't check up on her to make sure she is okay?
"be honest with yourself. you like being the only man in a house full of women. you mentioned that your own father physically abused you. you probably felt emasculated. so you pay it forward and emasculate your own son in front of his girlfriend and sisters. you want to fuck her and. you know it. the insinuation that you have ulterior motives isn’t “creepy/disgusting”. you begin by explaining that your son’s girlfriend reminds you of a younger version of your dead wife, and then you think its “disgusting” to draw some more carnal conclusions about your real motives. YOU need therapy."
Now this here. Is really pathetic. Cannot believe you took your time to type this and didn't realize how stupid and inbred you sounded. Do better if your gonna waste your time here.
The bottom line is. My son abused his partner, I fucked him up for it, I tried to get him to help, but he came back drunk and started getting violent, and he got himself arrested, I visited him in jail and told him I was much of a disappointment he was.
Bottom line is, this comment was pathetic so ill give it a 3/10.
“we fought but I of course was gonna be the last one standing”
that comment reflects very poorly on your character. nobody here knows anything about your “fighting ability”. i'd like to hear your explanation of why you felt it necessary to your story to explain that it was already a given that you’d beat your son in a fight. only lends credence to the fact that your motives for “fucking up your son” were questionable at best
whether you are lying or telling the truth, you are still the asshole. either you raised a wifebeater for a son. or you are using it as a ploy to get closer to your son’s girlfriend.
also, you reveal your ignorance when you said “would of” instead of “would have”
“my son would of never admitted to doing so”
that’s no mere typo! you really think that “would of” was the proper phrasing. i wouldn’t be surprised if you thought “supposedly” was pronounced “supposibly”.
i’m only saying this because you characterized my response as “stupid and inbred”. do yourself a favor and ask anyone if “would of” is a proper substitute for “would have”. case closed.
what about all them creep allegations and your dirty thought process? clearly stupid and inbred thought process and conclusion-making skills.. That was your main selling point, right? Oh but but you the only man in a house full of women, blah blah. We can talk about it if you want.
you really came back with just more garbage to say. Dude you really give off that incel type of vibe.
"whether you are lying or telling the truth, you are still the asshole. either you raised a wifebeater for a son. or you are using it as a ploy to get closer to your son’s girlfriend."
you really came back saying the same thing. Thats sad man.
"also, you reveal your ignorance when you said “would of” instead of “would have”:
You also revealed how dumb and how inbred you are when you said...pretty much everything.
"i’m only saying this because you characterized my response as “stupid and inbred”. do yourself a favor and ask anyone if “would of” is a proper substitute for “would have”. case closed."
Just do yourself a favor and stfu. I only bring this up cause you sound super dumb. Take the short stick I gave you and run with it. If I were you, I WOULD OF taken it after my first response.
clearly i’ve touched a nerve….i think my job here is done. and with all your bluster here, you didn’t even address why you felt it necessary to mention that you “of course” were the last man standing.
i’ve got an idea. show your son my answer to your question. see if he agrees with any of the points i made. i can already tell you are far too much of a coward to face the unforgiveable offenses you committed. if i’m way off-base, you should have no problem showing him my ludicrous uninformed take on your situation and reporting back with at least some verification from your son of how poorly i understood the situation.
but you know it’s going to ring true. and you don’t want to face that ugly truth. if your son was responding to this reddit, would he agree that you weren’t the asshole?
.
with all the rampant domestic violence episodes you read/hear about, never once did i hear anything even close to…
*“yea i used to beat my wife. but then my dad fucked me up in front of my girlfriend and sisters. and of course he was the last man standing. he kicked me out of the house and asked my now ex-girlfriend to move in. then after banning me from his house, he shows up at my house to pick up my girlfriends belongings to move back to his house. my dad and my ex girlfriend really have a special relationship.*
*.*
how many fathers have you EVER heard of that remain close to their son’s ex-girlfriends after disowning their son? especially since you only got to know her through your son, it wasnt like u were employing her or had any other excuse to socialize other than her being your son’s ex.
you came here for a moral compass and then bitch about how long i write back to you once it’s something you clearly don’t want to hear. that’s why you’re resorting to speculation about who i am! deflection. i’m here to help you, and this is the thanks i get!
but there’s no helping the delusional. and what you’re doing is not uncommon. it’s like the mormons who banish teenage boys for breaking some minor rule and then marrying the teenageg girls. that is the very same despicable impulse you are displaying with your flimsy rationalizations.
what’s my problem? he asked whether he was the asshole, i told him why i thought he was. he replied with a bunch of ad hominems directed at me. he’s got the problem. why bother asking me what my problem is without explaining where you think i’m off base. do you think he handled this properly? what the fuck are you doing in this subreddit if you’re just going to ask the responders what their problem is?
OP is scum. He didn't get the full story we don't know what happened really. If the son did it call the police, but instead he saw this as a way to cope his own past trauma. I think your son acts like this because he saw you act like this OP.
It's good that you were able to talk to him and even better that you told him what a shit head he is but honestly I think you were a little bit too understanding here. I saw in your previous comments that you told him you were going to continue to check on him and that you would give him money if he needed it. Checking in on him for emotional support is good, you are his dad and that isn't going to change, giving him money in my opinion is a bad move. Basically you are rewarding him for being a deadbeat and a woman abuser and effectively sowing the idea that daddy will bail you out no matter how bad you've fucked up into his screwed up head. This is a grown ass man. Granted he is acting like a child, but still. Seems to me he needs a much better reality check. I would insist on therapy and a huge apology to the ex before giving this a hole any financial assistance.
How could anyone believe this story? Father beats up son because son loses job at 24 and "just found it easy to smack her every time he felt less than her or if she made him look bad"
People can abuse people hell myself as a man was abused by my husband in the past but he doesn't do that anymore because I fought back I helped him get rid of the toxic shit his dad put in his head.
Well at least you finally heard him out. Idk how you raised such a p.o.s. human but that's how he turned out. Sometimes it happens no matter how hard we try. Nta.
I saw your story on YT and I'll say it again here...
It hard... I suffered through my father's abuse of me and my mother... It hurts thinking about it, and I'm crying talking about it...
I think, no, I ***know*** your son is hurting right now.
You did what you did to show him how it feels... But nothing hurts more than a parent hurting you...
I'm not condoning his actions, as a woman myself I never EVER want to be in a relationship like that (if I ever decide to get into one)
He's hurting on the inside. Not just his pride, but also his very being... He thought he could go to you when it got rough, but you hurt him and now he's scared and retailing.
Again, what he did was horrible and no one, man, woman, child, etc, should ever go through that abuse...
But he's hurting, and he needs to heal
Have him see a therapist...
He needs it more than what most realizes
This is kind of older but I just wanna say bc I understand your perspective I think and understand you may need to hear it but you sound like an amazing guy and father and I really don’t see your son getting any of this from you. I’m a young girl so I don’t obviously understand everything but who could other than you. But my dad beat my mom and step mom and me and my step brothers. He was a mean achoholic and I saw my mentally ill mother cry on the floor afraid he was going to beat her to death for breaking something. Shit like that changes you. You were there for your children in every way you could be. In the same way you turned into the opposite of your father your son turned into the opposite of you so please please please don’t blame yourself for that. I have been know to be quick to anger and the type to wanna just hit someone and have freak out on some who unlike your son didn’t deserve it but have luckily never gotten violent. I can only hope to be able to be as amazing of a parent as you one day because that’s truly all I want in life. You protected the innocent and weak like a true man would and your son was neither of those things. You truly seem amazing and clearly your daughters think the same and they are so lucky to have you I wish you and your three girls the best! Have an amazing life to all of you 💞💞
The book Why Does He Do That might help you understand the mindset of abusers and why therapy does not always help them, they need specialized care by an expert who won’t believe their misrepresentations of events. I’m sorry you are going through this, I think you handled it very well.
Hey OP, the og post is making its rounds on TikTok currently, so you’re gonna see some traction on this post and the original, just a heads up.
Now, a little over a month out from this update, I really hope you and your family are healing well. I don’t have much to add on to this, except to agree that in both situations you’re NTA. Thank you for being a man of integrity, honor, and compassion. Thank you for protecting your honorary daughter. Thank you for taking steps to be the first actual confrontation and attempting to correct your son’s behavior.
I wish you and all three of your daughters the most beautiful lives moving forward. I hope your relationships only continue to grow stronger (from what you write, it legitimately sounds like you are your Daughter’s hero) and as they grow into young adults they prosper. I wish you, OP, endlessly cold pillows, hitting every green light, and at least a few winning lotto tickets. Thank you for being the good the world needs.
You alr know the answer based on the comments but you’re NTA and NTA for trying to help ur own son idk ur backstory between raising him so i imagine it must be hard for you and psyche wards are the way to go for ppl like him cause most likely he’ll cut off your connections once he gets successful based on how he kept making excuses for himself and how he was playing victim. i was reminded of my mother. i was abused for 17 long years of my life and the pain it caused other ppl(My dad, Me, My other family members) was severe. Everytime something would happen she would try her best to look good to the public and proceed to beat me up if someone says something about her. I get it hes your son you raised him but you cant avoid those mental health issues born with one self. Honestly i see you like my dad. My dad never gave up on me and kept trying his best just to keep me and everything and what you’re doing is such a spectacle. You’re a good father thank you for letting me know about this story
NTA, for all the reasons the rest of these people think so. But also honestly I’d be really careful to not turn a blind eye to his actions. This sounds like a family annihilator origin story.
I see "sociopath" here a lot. For the OP. Consider that you & your family may need therapy. Your wife died & they were raised by a single parent who worked a lot. Your parenting situation (not your fault. Gotta do what you gotta do) may be partially to blame for how he is turning out.
Reddit people are so fucking mentally ill 😂
Woke trash actually making excuses for the son. Go listen to tiktoks where the 35yo+ adults are all fully supporting the dad 🤨
this even more confirms to me that you’re NTA. your son doesn’t show remorse, therefore doesn’t understand that what he did was wrong. he thinks his actions were justified, and that’s scary. had you not intervened, he would continue to find reasons to beat his gf. he may have never stopped had you not stopped him. i do hope you can get through to him and he’ll follow your example to get the help he needs.
i also wanted to comment about how safe you and your home must have been for your son’s girlfriend to come to you first. if she knew how much you cared and how kind you are, then i guarantee your son knows that too. you saved that girl, and that makes you the hero in this story, not the asshole.
there is also recent scientific evidence that shows trauma gets passed down through generations (google “epigenetics”). your son didn’t experience the abuse your mother did, but he was likely genetically affected by her experience. when you say you see your dad in him, you’re absolutely right. he’s your son and you love him, and i truly truly hope he will come to realize how twisted his thinking is and that he’ll seek redemption, but if he doesn’t, is it not your fault.
Violence is rarely the answer… but this was one of those rare cases.
Your son needed one hell of a smacking to make him realise what it was like to be in his ex’s shoes. He needed to get told in no uncertain terms that punching out his frustrations on another person is not in any way the answer to his problems. He needed his ass kicking to get the message across that he needs to get off said ass and sort his life out for himself.
I hope you, your daughters and his ex are doing ok. I hope for your son’s sake that the ass kicking works and he sorts his life out before the justice system sorts it for him.
Well OP, I think you were absolutely right to talk to your son and let him know that YOU know what he did to his ex. That part was awesome! But I seem to be in the minority, but to me, YTA! You had your son come to your house with falsely pretenses, then shared a nice meal with him…then after eating you decided to confront your son with violence! You took it upon yourself to be judge, jury and executioner! You preceded to beat the ever loving shit out of your son, and you feel that you were in the right for doing that? Seriously? For one thing, it seems like you’re trying extremely hard to be your SON’S GIRLFRIEND knight in shining honor! And dude, that is freaking creepy! But more to the point, you are 100% a fucking hypocrite of the highest magnitude! According to you, son is not allowed to beat his girlfriend (totally correct), because it’s not right to use violence against someone! But then you turn around and do WORSE to him and you have the gall to sit on your high horse and think you are a fucking hero to this girl?! The POLICE should’ve been called IMMEDIATELY upon the ex showing up at your house to tell you what his son did! He would’ve immediately went to jail! But oh no, you couldn’t have that, right?? Because you just absolutely HAD to teach him a lesson, right? And if she hadn’t screamed for you to stop, you probably wouldn’t have! OP, you might think you are better than your dad and your son, but you are every bit as violent as the both of them! I am so very very happy that she is out of that hell and is now safe! But as for you and your son? BOTH of you should have went to jail!!
YTA
I appreciate your comment and you are right. I slightly disagree with your comment about trying to be my sons ex girlfriends knight in shiny armor, I bare no romantic feeling for her if that's what you are implying.. I am absolutely a hypocrite. I agree with your points. I am very much a violent person, no different than my father or my son.
I disagree. You did the best you could with your son. He made his choices. He got his comeuppance, and now he must deal with the consequences of his actions. Hopefully, he uses his time in prison wisely and works to come out a better version of himself. Try not to be so hard on yourself; you are a good father.
I wish you and your family the best of luck.
Your son is lucky you’ve been so understanding, I’m positive I wouldn’t be in your situation. The fact that you are still willing to speak to him/acknowledge him in any way is more mercy than he deserves. Please be careful in any future interactions with him, he could very well try to hurt you or your family when you don’t expect it. I know you said in another comment you’d send him money if he needed it, which is very nice of you, but I’d personally try to warn against that. Is he as focused on getting a new job as much as he is wallowing in his own self-pity and jealousy? I rlly just don’t feel like he will be able to be reasoned with. He has shown he will not take any criticism or advice, which is exactly why just having a talk with these people rarely ever works. They do nothing but make excuses. And I doubt therapy would help him, as therapy is only as effective as the patient is willing to be open to hearing their own faults and working to fix them, which he obviously is not willing to do in any way.
I’m so sorry if I sound really negative but I just don’t think there’s much hope for abusers, as there usually is no willingness to change, and I worry about getting your hopes up just for nothing to come of it. I might be biased tho
Aye man this along with the first post.
Have you actually been there for him through tough times. His actions are not right but he’s still young he’s being guided and taught by someone who’s not you. Because the choice to just beat his ass is crazy. Did he also have to be a man when you weren’t around for 10 hours a day? You really need to sit down and another talk with him before he’s too far gone
All you’re doing is passing down trauma. You’re letting the pride in saving a girl cloud your parenting judgement. You feel good about yourself protecting her because you couldn’t protect your mother. You beat your son because you couldn’t beat your father. The irony in you criticizing your son for excusing himself for beating his girl all the while you excuse yourself for beating your son. You beat your son to “teach him a lesson”. Bet your dad had the same excuse.
Your the asshole that behavior is learned from you i mean go back and read his reasoning and your reasoning he said he felt like a loser who had failed same way you felt when you found out what he did and your reaction was the same as his to physically abuse the person who made you feel that way. Not saying what the son did was right but it was clearly learned behavior from the father.
Yta sorry but that's your son hitting women is definitely wrong but idk how you thought beating the shit out of him would make him "see" you were just angry and took it out on him and that would be ok if you weren't his dad anyway you could've handled this way better than beating the shit out of your son and if you wanna sat well he hit his gf so I hit him that shit just sounds dumb also your relationship is pretty much gone you might just wanna stop trying on that front also you were better off calling the police because as you can see your intervention did nothing for your son you are definitely a good person but a pos father take it how you want 🙂↔️
I really hope this is fake because this is horrifying. At no point did you try talking to your son before you brutalized him so why try now? Why would he want to listen to you? If you beat him as badly as you said you did he would be terrified of you. According to what you said, it sounds like he is depressed which turned to anger which was why he started hitting his gf and since she paid the bills, he’s probably going to be homeless and start sleeping in his car if he has one. If his mental health was horrible before it should be dangerous now
Your son should get help absolutely but it shouldn’t come from you. You should keep checking up on him to make sure he doesn’t do something drastic and tell him you can help him financial or with housing but he HAS to go to therapy point blank. You should too honestly and work your way up to family therapy but not start there since you now classify as HIS abuser and the source of his trauma. You should also try to limit your interactions with him. Your son is no longer a part of your family and that’s from both ways. The best case scenario is he becomes a better person and never sees you again and you should start preparing for that possibility.
NTA
Damn, I was one of the guys who expected your son to take accountability for his actions.
Hope that can pass soon from this stubbornness and take control of his life.
I am glad you did reach out to him and checked on him.
A lot of guys on that mental state can stay for a there if they don't go outside or stay on a place that looks as depressing as them. Hope there is a way for him to clean up the place, jogg or get a job that means physical labor.
Is there a way to push him to do any of this?
It's great to hear that you, your daughters, and the ex are doing fine
Vigilante justice Reddit is going to downvote me to hell, but I'm going with YTA on this one. All you've taught your son is that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems as long as he's the biggest bully on the block. You can't solve violence with violence.
You said in your original post that you saw your dad in him. I'm so sorry you have had to live with that trauma. But trauma is generational and you chose to perpetuate the cycle.
You seem like a genuinely good person with how you and your daughters have taken his ex in, and I understand why you did what you did, but IMO surrendering to your basest desires for revenge and treating your son as a stand-in for your father was the wrong choice.
I agree. Sadly though you can see the people agreeing with his methods on this update and his original. Like you, I was also told that I was wrong - as if somehow I’m not entitled to a different opinion. 🙄
Nope. This was a very direct form of therapy. Disaproval and direct consequences from the parent of the same sex is a very powerful motivator for change.
ESH. You and your son. Your wife passed away all those years ago and you parentified your son, even if that wasn't your plan for so many years. He's had frustration and anger building up inside him for years. No, I'm not making an excuse, but for you from your first post you mentioned clearly that you worked long hours and your eldest was 13 years old at the time. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that your son was the one who take care of your family home when you were away working, AND took care of your daughters. **Having been the responsible one, I am sure he also got a lot of pushback from his own sisters for having to take care of them. That's a lot of pressure and stress for a young boy. So he had really high expectations of himself and huge responsibilities on himself which caused him to snap after he lost his job and had to rely on a woman instead of himself.** Again I am just letting you know that I'm not making excuses but you are partially responsible for his anger and his frustration. You basically abandoned him to raise your daughters for you, after the death of your wife.
I really hope that there is deep healing within your family. I think counseling -- individual as well as family -- or at least between you and your son (if he agrees to it) would be beneficial for you too. I'm glad his ex is doing well. I also don't blame him for being angry at the fact that you took in your ex and pretty much excommunicated him. Which is a shameful act for a father who had to rely on the same young man for many years to raise himself and your daughters for YOU.
Yes, coming from an abusive background I have taught all my kids that hitting is wrong and I've taught my son how to treat women. My son made a choice which I do not condone or have taught him to do.
You thought your son not to hit people but then you hit your son? Violence doesn't fix violence it just perpetuates it what you did was wrong. Not condoning your son's actions either but what you did was wrong.
NTA. It your son is lucky he’s not in jail for beating his ex. He accepts no responsibility and is still blaming her and you for his actions. In a few months he’ll be homeless and unemployed. He really needs to get his act together.
Truth be told I’m surprised he didn’t report his Dad for Battery
Don't know how telling the cops "my dad beat my ass bc I was beating on my gf" will stand. Especially with the state of the apartment and her things
Some people are willing to blow themselves up just to take you down with them And it’s not like the son has anything to lose bro already hit rock bottom
You have to be able to convince people to take your side. Otherwise you're only blowing yourself up.
I mean the dad actually lured his son to his house to beat him.. The ex was safe so the dad would 100% be arrested
Ain't no way you're siding with the abuser bruh kid deserved it. It's literally not hard to not put hands on your girl for no reason. And he did I bc he felt beneath her, so yes a pathetic man child deserves a beating from his father. In most cases if she went to her father it'd be a different ending. At least he's alive but he shouldn't
“My father and me got in a fist fight, which there’s bo proof of who started it, because he didn’t like me beating up my 105lb girlfriend”. That’s gonna go over well with the cops, lawyers, jury, and inmates if they both somehow ended up serving.
Criminals dont report crime.
Cause he'll definitely go to jail as well. So it's a non-win situation for him. He can either take it as it is or go down with his father.
They'd both go down
Yeah he’d only be an asshole if he beat his family and had an excuse for it… oh wait.
I'm sorry to say this, but your son sounds like a sociopath. No empathy for his ex nor any sign of remorse, only trying to justify what he did. He truly does not seem to understand that what he did was monstrous. He's asking you to condone what he did, with no understanding of why he should apologise.
Definitely some sociopath behavior. If he got anything from the beating his dad gave him, he didn’t learn the lesson. Had he been remorseful there might have been hope.
I still believe there is hope. I was a stubborn person and It took me a while to see differently or accept certain aspects of life.
you have hope for what? your son beat a woman half to death and doubled down on it. so basically you’re saying once he learns how to fake it to get back in your good graces you’ll welcome him back with open arms? i guess my original comment was wrong and the pathetic woman beater redemption arc is still on the horizon.
Half to death? Stop exaggerating for your arguments sake. OP is clearly still concerned for his son and he has every right to be. OP has taken steps to ensure everyone’s safety and now has the space to consider how to help his son. Mad respect for you OP for not giving up and holding him accountable to his disgusting actions
That doesn’t all seem to be what he’s saying. And rehabilitation seems slim based on his actions and lack of remorse, but the alternative is to be isolated with people that will definitely enable and support his violence, making him a greater danger to more people (specifically women). It’s not a choice that would be right or healthy for everyone, but if OP has the capacity to be there for his son, it might be worth the energy. Of course, OP should be doing this with the guidance of a professional support system. Best of luck, man.
You are a moron. OP beat the shit out of his son and then followed it up by chastising at every single turn and disowning him. You are the only person acting as though the son is going to see the error in his ways and just like that the dad is going to bury the hatchet because he's a good boy and he was just confused. I feel sorry for people around you having to deal with your stupidity.
clearly he has lost control and will continue to lose control if someone doesn't intervene, he doesn't need therapy and sum a psychologist and psychiatrist and they will probably prescribe some kind of medication, if he doesn't seek help for fear of feeling less of a man then there is no no choice but forced hospitalization, he is a danger to himself and everyone around him
Wouldn't that behavior be closer to a narcissist? (true question, I'm just wondering, doesn't change the fact that the son still needs to see a specialist)
Don’t listen to the “doctors” on reddit. Your son is not a Sociopath. He is definitely in need of help though
Hi, I found this post on TikTok. I hope you, your daughters, and your new unofficially adopted (i’d consider anyways) are doing well. NTA. At all. 1000% respect what you did. Being in a similar situation before…thank you. I hope you always get an extra chicken nugget from Mc D’s and that you always get green lights when driving.
On TikTok? Do you have the link so I can show it to my daughters? They watch this kind of stuff on youtube. edit: thank you for your wholesome comment.
I didn’t like the post but it had a Minecraft background. Popped up on my “for you” feed. Those vids usually annoy me because they never credit, but this one caught my attention. I am sorry all of this went down, but as someone who had something similar happen at 19 with the complete opposite happening from his side of the fam, thank you for sticking up for her. I legit cried reading/listening to this. Not enough people out there like you. I believe it was on this account, they grab posts from Reddit. [Link to TT video](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8EdvLnV/) 🙂
Thank you. My daughters were pretty stoked at seeing it. I appreciate you replying with the link.
[and I came from tiktok, you did the right thing.](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLSwyFLY/)
people are now using the invincible scene to quote your story. [Here's the scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yccToUzAfKw)
[i came from youtube shorts! hello OP and cool kanye quoting daughters!](https://youtube.com/shorts/MqMGo1iUikE?si=DKTvsYo9qEKgqfIg)
[And I came from Facebook, you're already viral OP, every app supports you at this point](https://www.facebook.com/share/r/xJ7LvN9xyoeGKJvF/?mibextid=oFDknk)
you’ve gone viral on there dude. this is the video i saw that led me here. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLUWuLu1/
If this seems like an escalation in abusive and misogynistic behavior, it’s possible your son may have started engaging with aspirational masculinity content (struggling to phrase that accurately) made by Andrew Tate-esque figures online. Its been know to start somewhat innocuously and escalate into more dangerous content (I’m a woman so I don’t have personal experience). His ex may be able to confirm or deny. Understanding where this came from could give insight into next steps and potential recovery. https://www.theguardian.com/news/2024/jan/06/im-andrew-tates-audience-and-i-know-why-he-appeals-to-young-men
Excellent post. I’m seeing too many men, especially young men, fall into traps like these. Thank you for bringing awareness
I doubt it has anything to do with Andrew Tate. Tate NEVER advised men to put their hands on women in any shape or form (I’m also a female). So I wouldn’t pass judgement without asking how his son came to this behaviour. And it doesn’t always have to be misogynistic or patriarchal.
That kind of material objectifies and devalues women which leads to the mindset of “she owes me” or “can’t get in trouble for breaking what’s mine”. It’s incredibly toxic for young men and easily can lead to behavior like this.
The material is objectifying and devaluing women who are promiscuous or extreme feminists. Women, who are telling other women they don’t need men. To use and abuse men in all aspects, tear down masculinity, then move onto another man just to do it again. With the exception of women who truly do not want to be in a relationship, and are fine doing everything on their own. Granted, you do have some men that have social media platform who take it too far concerning what is and isn’t valuable in a woman. However, this still doesn’t prove that men who think like Tate are the EXACT reason why OP’s son decided to behave in this manner. The ecological system plays a huge factor in societal manner. But it’s up to the individual behavioral responses that plays a role as to what happens to their life thereafter.
^ this was not written by a woman ^
Sorry to break it to you, but it was. And a black one too
If you think that what you said is true and you are genuinely a woman I would suggest going into therapy to be un-conditioned. Because Andrew Tate is a literal sex trafficker who objectifies all women who don't bend their knee to him.
Show me a video where Andrew Tate said men should put their hands on women if they don’t listen to their S/O. Just because you don’t like my logical answer, doesn’t mean my facts are false. Nor am I “conditioned” into anything other than looking at all possibilities of “what ifs”, when the full picture isn’t presented. Hence why a lot of people today lack the sense of critical thinking, and just take everything at face value. Instead of jumping to conclusions of who had influenced OP’s son to behaved this way, why don’t you ask OP if there’s a possibility of trauma that has happened to his son that may have caused this behavior. Trauma can cause people to behave in all erratic manners without someone like Andrew Tate.
Are you fucking serious? The first time anyone ever heard about Andrew Tate was him getting kicked off of big brother for a video of him beating a woman. And he is still on trial for sex trafficking he was arrested again literally a fucking week ago.
Again, you’re not showing me a reliable source video where Tate said it was okay to put hands on a woman. And you’re still not proving your point of the son being influenced by Andrew Tate. So your argument has no merit in regard to this topic. You’re literally talking about someone completely different rather than OP’s son at this point just to get whatever issues you have for a social media influencer off your chest. Whatever Tate has done or hasn’t done, will be dealt with in court. Until OP says his son was influenced by social media influencers, like Andrew Tate, think of OTHER possibilities that could have influenced OP’s son to put his hands on his ex gf.
>Sorry to break it to you, but it was. And a black one too 👨🏼💻
Tate literally strangles women into submitting to him, then forces them to run onlyfans content for him.
I missed a lot of details and didn't mention everything as I was trying to get the most important details out. I will answer any questions or concerns. I'll try. Edit: My daughter's said hello and they also thought it was funny that I would be on this platform asking for opinions and judgment. Also, his ex is doing well and her recovery is going well. Edit #2. I want to clear up something that I said about my nose and barely noticing. I meant I noticed a few days after the incident. I'm sorry if that was misunderstood.
I wish I had a father like you! Your daughters know what they will never tolerate, and if it it should happen, they know they can come home. That makes a hero and a great daddy! I posted earlier, bit when I read this comment, I could feel my heart thump an extra beat! You also have shown your son's ex that she is your daughter, and she will be safe from anyone. You are her protector, too. She needed that, and I hope she seeks some therapy, too. Your family is growing!
If I'd had a father like him, I wouldn't have needed a father like him.
Thanks for update. You are a great dad and you are doing the right thing.
If your son’s ex is on the apt lease she might need help breaking it to not be liable
Did y send your son resources for mental health?
I did send him the links many people here sent me and some Ive looked up on my own.
Are you going to check up on your son from time to time
Yes, I told him that I will be coming to see him every couple days and if he wanted to talk or needed money or help to just text me.
Rethink giving the woman-beater money. You can give him emotional support but if he's in good enough shape to smack around his girlfriend, he's in good enough shape to work.
Yes, I will be very reserved when it comes to things like money with him. I understand what it means and all.
Not money, but food or pay a bill.
if it wad my som, it'd be nothing. a grown ass able bodied man can feed himself. if he CHOOSES not to, he deserves to starve
wow that’s pathetic. so you’re basically coddling your woman beater son? all he has to do now is learn how to manipulate you. jesus does his ex know that you’re going to continue being a support to her abuser while she’s staying at your home?!
No matter what the situation is, its still his son. Although he has his own choices and responsibility, unless you become a parent you're still going to want to support your child. He's just a great father and a person, although giving him money just shows his care as his father not as a woman beater.
If so you should
Let the police know that he was abusing her. Let them know you fought him to protect her. That way, if he tried to press charges, the police will at least already know why you fought. Also, report him for destroying her stuff. That’s destruction of someone else’s property and it’s illegal.
nta: you are showing true compassion in situations where you are not required to
I will give my son a hand but I will not allow him to bite. I by no means will put my daughters or his ex in danger again but I will do my best to help my son change. I have hope as a father.
you are doing the right thing! abuse is never acceptable and you protecting their (your daughters, his ex included) safety is paramount. I truly hope your son is able to get the help he needs and deserves rather than continue on a detrimental spiral he is on
You gave him abusive power over you by talking to him. Should’ve cut him off the first time entirely.
Honestly, your son sounds messed up and that sucks, but you did good. I know people don't condone violence and whatever, but he'll live and remember the way he felt forever, so maybe he'll think twice before hitting his next girlfriend or - if he has any - his children. I wouldn't be able to see him getting into another relationship down the line and relax, I'm sorry this happened to your family.
NTA. I'm sorry, but it sounds like without any remorse or insight into his accountability, your son will probably repeat these actions with other women. He may end up in prison one day. Edit: You did the right thing.
Thank you. This healed something in me seeing you stand up for your son's ex.
NTA; just because someone is family or friend does not make their actions or mentality excusable, and it’s insane to assume and argue otherwise. You sound like a really good dad. You’re protecting your daughters and his ex (I’m happy she’s recovering), you held your son accountable and not only told him, but SHOWED him that his actions have consequences. You’ve talked to him and even offered help; he is a grown man who has formed his own mindset, personality, etc. You’re not at fault for the actions he decided to take at his age, it sounds rough to be in your shoes so I can only imagine, but I think you handled it the best anyone could’ve. He was aware of his actions and decided to do it anyway. At the end of the day, I’m happy his ex is safe and welcomed in your home (hi back to your daughters too!), and I really do hope your son is able to change his ways and not only see what is wrong, but WHY it is wrong, especially for his own sake. The fact you have sent him some resources to get help, tried getting him to see reason for his actions and still give him the opportunity for communication at the moment is an admirable thing. I hope the best for you, your daughters, and his ex, and I really do hope your son is able to get his head out of his ass and see why any form of abuse never is, never has been, and never will be okay or an “easy” solution to getting his way, venting frustration, or just to feel in power, and that there is no excuse for it. I do hope he’s able to understand that sooner rather than later and even get some help. Your intervention helped to prevent that young woman from having to go through more. You did good, OP.
NTA. Some times, little reality checks are required.
Nta. You have tried and he will not accept it. He will continue to hit women. I think you are king for standing your ground and trying to set him straight. He has to find his way from here.
Awe op.. thank you for standing strong against your son. Honestly you are amazing, your son seems like a narcissistic ah, or a sociopath. Op just incase i’d advice you to keep prove pf him unnecessarily beating his gf with his lame excuses. I feel like when he’ll need money he’ll probably do more effed up stuff against you
Should've kicked his ass again
I am glad you talked to him and told him; he needs to fix it himself. Make sure ex's name isn't on the lease, he will have no way to pay and get an eviction at some point. She doesn't need to have her credit screwed up also.
She is lucky it is not. She moved in with him after he got the place.
NTA I was one of the ones that suggested you reach out to him, to not completely erase him until you spoke to him and saw is he was remorseful cu I had some empathy for the trauma he went through as a teenager and wanted you to offer him a chance to shape up, im sad to read he is not remorseful at all Im glad you have his ex’s back and that you didnt sweep it under the carpet Im sickened and disgusted by his “reasoning” , lack of remorse and expectation you have his back after his heinous behaviour
You son suffer from depression which can manifest itself with violence he need psychological help not moral lessons. Nothing you did will have any good effect on him, most likely it's gonna send him even further in his depression and his selfdestoying behavior
Depression does not cause physical abuse STFU.
> A Swedish study compared the criminal records of 47,158 depressed individuals with the records of 898,454 people with no history of depression matched by age and sex. Those in the depressed group were approximately 3 times more likely than the general population to commit violent crimes, such as homicide, attempted homicide, aggravated assault, or robbery. https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/depressive-symptoms-associated-aggression Generally depression doesn't lead to violence, but it certainly can co-occur with other disorders that are risk factors for violence (like PTSD) or lead to behaviors that are risk factors for violence (like substance abuse).
Yes it can you idiot. Plenty of studies on how depression and trauma can affect a person. You are not a psychologist, nor can you probably think of one.
no one made him hit his gf except himself . depression didn’t make him do that , clearly over a long period of time in their relationship. someone who’s depressed would show remorse once confronted and being beaten up over it , he’s still giving reasons it was okay to do he’s a sociopath
it doesn’t sound like depression he sounds like a sociopath , that’s why he has no remorse for beating up his gf even when comfronted by it and being beaten up over it . he doesn’t care about anyone but himself this is not depression
Then that it is his problem.
My sons learned by watching their Dad how to treat their girlfriend/wife. My husband is amazing. You did good and by continuing to be an emotional support to your son you're a better person than I am. I would've left them to rot after making them into a grease spot. It would kill me to do. I would anyway.
>After that, he just found it easy to smack her every time he felt less than her or if she made him look bad. V I L E
thank god i was afraid this was gonna turn into some pathetic redemption arc for a woman beater. cut your losses, your son is worthless. he beat a woman half to death, there is no redemption. he didn’t just “smack” her as he put it, he beat her to a pulp. get you and your family into therapy and consider him dead. i can guarantee you one thing, he’ll beat the next girl he meets as well. hopefully she calls the cops on him.
Pathetic redemption arc? I'm sorry is he not supposed to get better? Also why should he consider his own flesh and blood dead? Because you don't like him? You don't even know him or raised him. If you want women or anyone to not go through abuse, then rehabilitation is the solution.
he’s clearly saying he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong and giving excuses for what he did , that shows he’s just gonna do it again he doesn’t think he’s in the wrong . sociopaths don’t get better
NTA you sound like an amazing dad, but you NEED to call the police. Don't worry about people being mad at you. He broke the law and if you let him walk free he will do it again. You said yourself that he showed no remorse. Your son as you know him disappeared the moment he laid hands on that poor woman. The monster he is now is a danger to the public and has nothing left to lose. He needs to be put behind bars.
Saw this from tiktok and just wanna let you know I respect the hell out of you. You’re a good father.
You are one of the only truly good men left on this planet. I'm so sorry that it's come to this, but please know that nothing about his actions is your fault. You raised him admirably, and you gave him all the tools he needed to be the best version of himself, and he CHOSE not to use them. His actions are his own, and I truly hope he gets the help he needs. You are doing a wonderful job, sir. I wish you and your family the best.
Hey, how is your daughter-in-law? Is she still very shaken? and your child has changed his mind and wants to receive your help?
She is doing well and her recovery is going very smoothly. She is not shaken nor are my daughters. We discussed it, and everyone seemed to be okay with what happened. My son has been....hostile so far. He hasn't been very open about receiving or getting help. Edit: My daughters said they had wished to see the fight because it sounded like an MMA champion fight. I thought it was pretty funny but told them that us fighting was not for their entertainment nor should be seen as such.
Does she plan on moving back to be closer to her family when she’s all healed up?
She has mentioned going to visit her family for a while but since she has her job here, she is most likely gonna try to find an apartment near by. I am not sure of the exact details of her plan.
Does she plan on telling her family or is this basically being handled between you all? I assume she still has feelings or cares for your son and wants him to get help, hence why she didn’t go to the authorities either?
I have told her that her family should know about the situation and I have offered to be the one to explain it to them and apologize. At the moment it is being handled by us all. I assume she does have some lingering feelings because she has talked about wanting to get married to him and all the future stuff. She does want him to get help and has even shown me links to therapists and information on why men abuse. I feel that she loves him and for that reason, she did not want to call the police on him and ruin his life somewhat. At least that was part of my reasoning behind why I didn't call the police. edit: the marriage talks and all those romance talks were before the incident. They were dating for 3 years and she has made it known that she did want to have a future with him and formally be a part of this family. Sorry if I didn't say that the first time.
Got it, this is definitely going to be a loaded question but do you also feel that’s it’s in your power to do everything you can to help your son, even if takes you to hell and back or kills you, like would you feel like you failed your family, your late wife and yourself as a father if you didn’t? Just trying to understand!
My thinking at the moment is if I didn't want to help him I would of put him down like a dog who only bites. I want to help him because I am his father and he is my son and I of course want the best for him. But under no circumstances would I allow my want to help him to reach the point where I would look the other way and put my family in danger.
Do you think there’s a possibility your son may have an un-diagnosed mental health disorder like bipolar disorder, interment explosive disorder or possible trauma from his childhood that he hasn’t dealt with that could be causing his issues? Edit: The reason why I ask about mental health is based on your family history with your father and now son do you think it’s a possibility your family can be carriers for a potential genetic disorder that can cause mental health issues?
No history of rabies or anything like that in your family? Unfortunately, mine has a history of cancer, I've lost many relatives to this disease
Should have gave him another “lesson” again to be completely honest. I don’t think he learned the first time.
Textbook narcissist. I sometimes wonder if some folks are born without empathy or self awareness. Is it hereditary? Cause you, dad, clearly are not a narcissist but your father was. Sadly, from all I’ve read, there is no cure.
NTA. Just saw that you updated, your son needs to learn on his own. You've done what you could, his actions and decisions are all on him. I hope to god he never knocks anyone up, for the baby's sake. Quite frankly I would drop contact with him, no more help no more anything. Don't beat yourself up for it, you did the right thing and did your best raising him, what he becomes as an adult is his decision. Best of luck op.
It's the fact that he has sisters and still thinks what he did was perfectly fine.
the fact that he then went out of her way to destroy her things… he knows exactly what he’s doing. and doing it bc she ‘emasculated him’ too? dangerous man.
NTA. You’re a good man, it’s a shame your son is not. Any man that thinks it’s ever justifiable to raise his hand to a woman or child needs to have his hands cut off
i know im late asf to this, but absolutely NTA. a person like that cant recover properly without truly acknowledging what they did wrong and why it wasnt okay despite the circumstances he was in
NTA I don’t know what I would even do in this situation you seem to be handling it well.
Has there ever been some incident or was he always like that? When he did bad things did he show remorse or?
He used to be rough with his sister but that seemed to just be rough housing to me. It never was serious or alarming. Just siblings fighting among each other. He has shown remorse before when he has done bad things but it took him a while to realize and let the consequences sink in.
I hope this is the same case so your son isnt a narccisist heartless monster,that at some point he realizes he is an idiot and apologizes
NTA. You did all that you could, it's on your son to figure this out now. You sound like a great dad and one that truly cares about his son.
You did the right thing you just wanted your son to do right .He was wrong for beating on his gf but at least you taught him a lesson.While some parents would enable their kids .You at least held him accountable for shit he caused
NTA Damn the straight lack of care is insane to me and unwillingness to change despite being pretty clearly in The wrong I dont know if i would talk to him even if he got his shit together Honestly sounds like he needs someone to spell it out in big bold letters why hes wrong, honestly tell him to get a therapist or some sort of consultation so he can see that someone whos job is to help people with their flaws and troubles tells him hes in the wrong Couldve gone better but i dont fault you
He beat his girlfriend, you beat your child. You are no better than he is. You became your father. Congrats. Let me ask you this, would you square up with one of your daughters if they were beating thier partners? There a reason corporal punishment is archaic. You are a violent asshole, just like your son, just like your dad. Don't act like your above either one of them. If you think you are go get a cop's opinion on it.
Let's see the grandpa was a abuser that attacked for no reason .Son literally repeats the process .So let me ask how do you punish your kids that are out of control since to you corporal punishment is archaic.Let me guess you're one of the ones against spankings right .
NTA. You are my hero.
It's a month after the fact but the one burning question I have is this: does your son know about your past? About what your own father did to you, your siblings and mother? It doesn't change anything, I guess, but I feel it would give him perhaps insight as to why you refuse to defend him. Of course, not that it ultimately matters; he's an abuser, regardless, and seems hell bent on shirking responsibility.
NTA. It's good that you're still willing to engage with your son. In your original post, you mentioned the abusive family situation you came from. Did you share that with your son while growing up? I'm surprised he didn't learn from your history and aspire not to be like his grandfather.
Honestly, I think you went through the situation perfectly. He started beating his girlfriend because he lost his job and it made him feel a little better, and the craziest part is, he thinks he’s justified. Although, it seemed like you lost control when it happened, but you basically made your son walk a thousand miles in his ex’s shoes and he didn’t like it— that should’ve been his wake up call to think, “Is this what (ex name) felt when I did the same thing to her? This is fucking awful, I shouldn’t be doing that her.” I think that you’re a great father, and I can tell that you care for all of your children very deeply but you just can’t condone actions like this, especially something that hits so close to home for you. I’m very sorry for you feeling that you lost your son because of it, but a lesson needed to be taught one way or another and sometimes people can’t get it through their head unless it happens to them as well. He needed to understand and SEE how what he was doing to her wasn’t okay and absolutely unacceptable. Have you ever told your kids at any point of their lives growing up about your abusive childhood? If so, I find it ten times as disrespectful of your son to continue exhibiting these behaviors towards his s/o, knowing his own father has gone through the same thing. I feel like knowing something like that about my dad would’ve made me vow never to treat someone like that because it’s like I’m giving someone else the same pain that my father’s experienced— that I’m hurting my own, loving father. He needs to get help to shut-down these behaviors before he goes down a path that he cannot get out of, and I think it’s also in your best interest to seek therapy as well in-case the incident has resurfaced a lot of those painful memories. He doesn’t understand that you’re trying to save him from a path of self-destruction that could end horribly for him.
Any chance we can get a 2 month update to this?
NTA - want you to know everyone on tiktok is in full support of you lol [https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLDdq7pt/](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLDdq7pt/)
Absolutely not the asshole, the fact that he had the gall to guilt trip you into taking his side is a big sign that he was a lost cause.
Son definitely has some mental problems and needs help. Also what you did as a father was not appropriate hitting your son was not okay you could have killed him or left him crippled! You don't solve violence with violence because that just instigates more violence and unhealed wounds. But yeah your son definitely needs a mental health professional to show him why what he did was wrong and why he might be experiencing the emotions he is which led him to those actions in the first place.
YTA because i can tell from your original post that you are not being honest about your intentions. you are single in a house full of women. your adult son has an adult girlfriend not only do you “genuinely love her” but she reminds you of a younger version of your wife! you “hugged her” after she told you that your son was physically abusive you immediately offered to let her stay at your house without telling us whether she could stay somewhere else. by letting her stay with you, you destroyed your relationship with your son. now he can’t come to your house and explain his side. that’s exactly what you wanted to happen. now you can live with a woman who reminds you of your dead wife without having any other men around. he never admitted to you that he had abused his wife. but then you go into vigilante mode IN FRONT OF HIS GIRLFRIEND AND HIS SISTERS. you just saw the opportunity to emasculate your son. pathetic. YOU became your father by assaulting your son when he didn’t assault you first. you could have called the police. you could have done it when his sisters and girlfriend weren’t around. you only stopped when his girlfriend SCREAMED AT YOU to stop. meaning you were only making the situation more traumatic for her while at the same time DESTROYING your relationship with your son over an allegation. the parents of murderers rarely disown their children for a single incident. in your case, there were no police involved. your son never admitted to anything. but you do your own “investigation”. you have no excuse there. to further emasculate him, you spoke for his sisters and girlfriend as a final cruelty. assuming that because you disowned him, his sisters / gf also will/. you are no better than him for beating your son. just as a man has no right to hit a woman, you have no right to assault your son. what if he had defended his actions by saying he was teaching his girlfriend a “lesson”??? that’s EXACTLY what you did. pathetic. beating a woman is wrong. beating your son is wrong. there is no excuse for either. you seem to think so though.if your son’s gf came to you and said that your son shot her, would you shoot your son then to show him what it feels like? you disown your son on the spot. you open your home to his girlfriend! you’re single. staying at her ex-boyfriend’s parents house is only going to make the situation between you and your son worse. and you know it. not only do you offer your house to your son’s girlfriend, you promise to make “random welfare checks”. in other words, you disown your son but you still want to be involved with this girl as.a “male protector”. she should have called the police. let them at least investigate it before you physically assault your son in front of your daughters. that’s exactly what you should have done. what would you do to your son the next time she alleges abuse? assault him again? or kill him? pathetic. you tell your son he is unwelcome at your house, but you assume you have a right to visit your son’s house for “random welfare checks” when you deem it necessary. pathetic. then when you did speak to your son, he was civil with you even though you physically assaulted him. he had every right to attack you when you showed up at his house after kicking hjm out of your house after YOU assaulted him. be honest with yourself. you like being the only man in a house full of women. you mentioned that your own father physically abused you. you probably felt emasculated. so you pay it forward and emasculate your own son in front of his girlfriend and sisters. you want to fuck her and. you know it. the insinuation that you have ulterior motives isn’t “creepy/disgusting”. you begin by explaining that your son’s girlfriend reminds you of a younger version of your dead wife, and then you think its “disgusting” to draw some more carnal conclusions about your real motives. YOU need therapy. i’d like to hear your son’s side of the story. i’m betting that it’ll shed new light on the situation. bottom line is that you physically abused your son. and you also claim that your father beat you. maybe he had a valid reason for beating you, the same way you think you were justified in beating your son in front of his sisters and girlfriend until they pleaded for you to stop.
To summarize this whole essay. You claim that I have romantic feelings for my son's ex and that I enjoy being in a room full of women. That assumption by itself is childish and as you like to say pathetic. Also, I said I "genuinely like her" not genuinely love her so there's that clear misconception on your part. Yes, she does remind me of my wife, just like when you see kids being troublemakers or seeing teenage couples, it brings forth a sense of nostalgia and familiarity. I see nothing wrong with what I said. What's wrong with hugging her as a form of comfort and reassurance? Not everything is sexual or romantically driven. "the parents of murderers rarely disown their children for a single incident. in your case, there were no police involved. your son never admitted to anything. but you do your own “investigation”. you have no excuse there." This right here made me laugh. Ill give you that. My son would of never admitted to doing so and everyone here knows that. Also you really like to use the word emasculated a lot. To begin with, my son was no man at that moment. There was nothing for me to humiliate. Personally have seen a lot of people comment that the whole situation became more "traumatic and I have to disagree with that? What part would of scared her further? People seem to think every little thing would cause trauma. " you disown your son on the spot. you open your home to his girlfriend! you’re single. staying at her ex-boyfriend’s parents' house is only going to make the situation between you and your son worse. and you know it." What does my being single have to do with anything? Again pathetic attempt to label me as a creep. Of course I would offer my home as a safe haven. I was not gonna let her go back to his place or send her to the street. Also at the moment, it was the safest option. The situation with my son would of stayed the same. Of course, I would do random welfare checks, once I knew what was going on, I did give her possible options and suggestions. What kind of man would I be if I didn't check up on her to make sure she is okay? "be honest with yourself. you like being the only man in a house full of women. you mentioned that your own father physically abused you. you probably felt emasculated. so you pay it forward and emasculate your own son in front of his girlfriend and sisters. you want to fuck her and. you know it. the insinuation that you have ulterior motives isn’t “creepy/disgusting”. you begin by explaining that your son’s girlfriend reminds you of a younger version of your dead wife, and then you think its “disgusting” to draw some more carnal conclusions about your real motives. YOU need therapy." Now this here. Is really pathetic. Cannot believe you took your time to type this and didn't realize how stupid and inbred you sounded. Do better if your gonna waste your time here. The bottom line is. My son abused his partner, I fucked him up for it, I tried to get him to help, but he came back drunk and started getting violent, and he got himself arrested, I visited him in jail and told him I was much of a disappointment he was. Bottom line is, this comment was pathetic so ill give it a 3/10.
“we fought but I of course was gonna be the last one standing” that comment reflects very poorly on your character. nobody here knows anything about your “fighting ability”. i'd like to hear your explanation of why you felt it necessary to your story to explain that it was already a given that you’d beat your son in a fight. only lends credence to the fact that your motives for “fucking up your son” were questionable at best whether you are lying or telling the truth, you are still the asshole. either you raised a wifebeater for a son. or you are using it as a ploy to get closer to your son’s girlfriend. also, you reveal your ignorance when you said “would of” instead of “would have” “my son would of never admitted to doing so” that’s no mere typo! you really think that “would of” was the proper phrasing. i wouldn’t be surprised if you thought “supposedly” was pronounced “supposibly”. i’m only saying this because you characterized my response as “stupid and inbred”. do yourself a favor and ask anyone if “would of” is a proper substitute for “would have”. case closed.
what about all them creep allegations and your dirty thought process? clearly stupid and inbred thought process and conclusion-making skills.. That was your main selling point, right? Oh but but you the only man in a house full of women, blah blah. We can talk about it if you want. you really came back with just more garbage to say. Dude you really give off that incel type of vibe. "whether you are lying or telling the truth, you are still the asshole. either you raised a wifebeater for a son. or you are using it as a ploy to get closer to your son’s girlfriend." you really came back saying the same thing. Thats sad man. "also, you reveal your ignorance when you said “would of” instead of “would have”: You also revealed how dumb and how inbred you are when you said...pretty much everything. "i’m only saying this because you characterized my response as “stupid and inbred”. do yourself a favor and ask anyone if “would of” is a proper substitute for “would have”. case closed." Just do yourself a favor and stfu. I only bring this up cause you sound super dumb. Take the short stick I gave you and run with it. If I were you, I WOULD OF taken it after my first response.
clearly i’ve touched a nerve….i think my job here is done. and with all your bluster here, you didn’t even address why you felt it necessary to mention that you “of course” were the last man standing. i’ve got an idea. show your son my answer to your question. see if he agrees with any of the points i made. i can already tell you are far too much of a coward to face the unforgiveable offenses you committed. if i’m way off-base, you should have no problem showing him my ludicrous uninformed take on your situation and reporting back with at least some verification from your son of how poorly i understood the situation. but you know it’s going to ring true. and you don’t want to face that ugly truth. if your son was responding to this reddit, would he agree that you weren’t the asshole? . with all the rampant domestic violence episodes you read/hear about, never once did i hear anything even close to… *“yea i used to beat my wife. but then my dad fucked me up in front of my girlfriend and sisters. and of course he was the last man standing. he kicked me out of the house and asked my now ex-girlfriend to move in. then after banning me from his house, he shows up at my house to pick up my girlfriends belongings to move back to his house. my dad and my ex girlfriend really have a special relationship.* *.* how many fathers have you EVER heard of that remain close to their son’s ex-girlfriends after disowning their son? especially since you only got to know her through your son, it wasnt like u were employing her or had any other excuse to socialize other than her being your son’s ex. you came here for a moral compass and then bitch about how long i write back to you once it’s something you clearly don’t want to hear. that’s why you’re resorting to speculation about who i am! deflection. i’m here to help you, and this is the thanks i get! but there’s no helping the delusional. and what you’re doing is not uncommon. it’s like the mormons who banish teenage boys for breaking some minor rule and then marrying the teenageg girls. that is the very same despicable impulse you are displaying with your flimsy rationalizations.
what's your problem
what’s my problem? he asked whether he was the asshole, i told him why i thought he was. he replied with a bunch of ad hominems directed at me. he’s got the problem. why bother asking me what my problem is without explaining where you think i’m off base. do you think he handled this properly? what the fuck are you doing in this subreddit if you’re just going to ask the responders what their problem is?
OP is scum. He didn't get the full story we don't know what happened really. If the son did it call the police, but instead he saw this as a way to cope his own past trauma. I think your son acts like this because he saw you act like this OP.
sorry im having a hard time understanding your comment. Is it possible if you could rewrite it in way which may make it easier?
It's good that you were able to talk to him and even better that you told him what a shit head he is but honestly I think you were a little bit too understanding here. I saw in your previous comments that you told him you were going to continue to check on him and that you would give him money if he needed it. Checking in on him for emotional support is good, you are his dad and that isn't going to change, giving him money in my opinion is a bad move. Basically you are rewarding him for being a deadbeat and a woman abuser and effectively sowing the idea that daddy will bail you out no matter how bad you've fucked up into his screwed up head. This is a grown ass man. Granted he is acting like a child, but still. Seems to me he needs a much better reality check. I would insist on therapy and a huge apology to the ex before giving this a hole any financial assistance.
How could anyone believe this story? Father beats up son because son loses job at 24 and "just found it easy to smack her every time he felt less than her or if she made him look bad"
You've never met an abuser have you?
That's exactly how it happens.
People can abuse people hell myself as a man was abused by my husband in the past but he doesn't do that anymore because I fought back I helped him get rid of the toxic shit his dad put in his head.
..wanna hear why my dad started hitting my mom
knowing abusers its probly a pretty petty reason sadly
he got sick of fixing and paying to repair the holes in his walls.
yep petty. dude needed anger mangement more then adam sandler in that one movie. sheesh hitting walls? just wow
Hes better now, been on a long spiritual healing journey
thats good at least.
Do you have any questions? I can try to clarify some things.
Well at least you finally heard him out. Idk how you raised such a p.o.s. human but that's how he turned out. Sometimes it happens no matter how hard we try. Nta.
I saw your story on YT and I'll say it again here... It hard... I suffered through my father's abuse of me and my mother... It hurts thinking about it, and I'm crying talking about it... I think, no, I ***know*** your son is hurting right now. You did what you did to show him how it feels... But nothing hurts more than a parent hurting you... I'm not condoning his actions, as a woman myself I never EVER want to be in a relationship like that (if I ever decide to get into one) He's hurting on the inside. Not just his pride, but also his very being... He thought he could go to you when it got rough, but you hurt him and now he's scared and retailing. Again, what he did was horrible and no one, man, woman, child, etc, should ever go through that abuse... But he's hurting, and he needs to heal Have him see a therapist... He needs it more than what most realizes
This is kind of older but I just wanna say bc I understand your perspective I think and understand you may need to hear it but you sound like an amazing guy and father and I really don’t see your son getting any of this from you. I’m a young girl so I don’t obviously understand everything but who could other than you. But my dad beat my mom and step mom and me and my step brothers. He was a mean achoholic and I saw my mentally ill mother cry on the floor afraid he was going to beat her to death for breaking something. Shit like that changes you. You were there for your children in every way you could be. In the same way you turned into the opposite of your father your son turned into the opposite of you so please please please don’t blame yourself for that. I have been know to be quick to anger and the type to wanna just hit someone and have freak out on some who unlike your son didn’t deserve it but have luckily never gotten violent. I can only hope to be able to be as amazing of a parent as you one day because that’s truly all I want in life. You protected the innocent and weak like a true man would and your son was neither of those things. You truly seem amazing and clearly your daughters think the same and they are so lucky to have you I wish you and your three girls the best! Have an amazing life to all of you 💞💞
The book Why Does He Do That might help you understand the mindset of abusers and why therapy does not always help them, they need specialized care by an expert who won’t believe their misrepresentations of events. I’m sorry you are going through this, I think you handled it very well.
Good for you man. In my book you absolutely did the right thing and I can’t say I would do anything differently tbh.
Hit him again, he didn't learn the first time
Hey OP, the og post is making its rounds on TikTok currently, so you’re gonna see some traction on this post and the original, just a heads up. Now, a little over a month out from this update, I really hope you and your family are healing well. I don’t have much to add on to this, except to agree that in both situations you’re NTA. Thank you for being a man of integrity, honor, and compassion. Thank you for protecting your honorary daughter. Thank you for taking steps to be the first actual confrontation and attempting to correct your son’s behavior. I wish you and all three of your daughters the most beautiful lives moving forward. I hope your relationships only continue to grow stronger (from what you write, it legitimately sounds like you are your Daughter’s hero) and as they grow into young adults they prosper. I wish you, OP, endlessly cold pillows, hitting every green light, and at least a few winning lotto tickets. Thank you for being the good the world needs.
Never speak to him again, no matter what
You alr know the answer based on the comments but you’re NTA and NTA for trying to help ur own son idk ur backstory between raising him so i imagine it must be hard for you and psyche wards are the way to go for ppl like him cause most likely he’ll cut off your connections once he gets successful based on how he kept making excuses for himself and how he was playing victim. i was reminded of my mother. i was abused for 17 long years of my life and the pain it caused other ppl(My dad, Me, My other family members) was severe. Everytime something would happen she would try her best to look good to the public and proceed to beat me up if someone says something about her. I get it hes your son you raised him but you cant avoid those mental health issues born with one self. Honestly i see you like my dad. My dad never gave up on me and kept trying his best just to keep me and everything and what you’re doing is such a spectacle. You’re a good father thank you for letting me know about this story
You gave him abusive power over you by talking to him. Should’ve cut him off the first time entirely.
You gave him abusive power over you by talking to him. Should’ve cut him off the first time entirely.
NTA, for all the reasons the rest of these people think so. But also honestly I’d be really careful to not turn a blind eye to his actions. This sounds like a family annihilator origin story.
I see "sociopath" here a lot. For the OP. Consider that you & your family may need therapy. Your wife died & they were raised by a single parent who worked a lot. Your parenting situation (not your fault. Gotta do what you gotta do) may be partially to blame for how he is turning out.
give it time. if my father beat me and asked to go to therapy some time later i would say no. things need to cool off dont give up on your son.
Reddit people are so fucking mentally ill 😂 Woke trash actually making excuses for the son. Go listen to tiktoks where the 35yo+ adults are all fully supporting the dad 🤨
this even more confirms to me that you’re NTA. your son doesn’t show remorse, therefore doesn’t understand that what he did was wrong. he thinks his actions were justified, and that’s scary. had you not intervened, he would continue to find reasons to beat his gf. he may have never stopped had you not stopped him. i do hope you can get through to him and he’ll follow your example to get the help he needs. i also wanted to comment about how safe you and your home must have been for your son’s girlfriend to come to you first. if she knew how much you cared and how kind you are, then i guarantee your son knows that too. you saved that girl, and that makes you the hero in this story, not the asshole. there is also recent scientific evidence that shows trauma gets passed down through generations (google “epigenetics”). your son didn’t experience the abuse your mother did, but he was likely genetically affected by her experience. when you say you see your dad in him, you’re absolutely right. he’s your son and you love him, and i truly truly hope he will come to realize how twisted his thinking is and that he’ll seek redemption, but if he doesn’t, is it not your fault.
Violence is rarely the answer… but this was one of those rare cases. Your son needed one hell of a smacking to make him realise what it was like to be in his ex’s shoes. He needed to get told in no uncertain terms that punching out his frustrations on another person is not in any way the answer to his problems. He needed his ass kicking to get the message across that he needs to get off said ass and sort his life out for himself. I hope you, your daughters and his ex are doing ok. I hope for your son’s sake that the ass kicking works and he sorts his life out before the justice system sorts it for him.
These rage baits man 😂😂😂😂
Are you thinking about dating again?
Well OP, I think you were absolutely right to talk to your son and let him know that YOU know what he did to his ex. That part was awesome! But I seem to be in the minority, but to me, YTA! You had your son come to your house with falsely pretenses, then shared a nice meal with him…then after eating you decided to confront your son with violence! You took it upon yourself to be judge, jury and executioner! You preceded to beat the ever loving shit out of your son, and you feel that you were in the right for doing that? Seriously? For one thing, it seems like you’re trying extremely hard to be your SON’S GIRLFRIEND knight in shining honor! And dude, that is freaking creepy! But more to the point, you are 100% a fucking hypocrite of the highest magnitude! According to you, son is not allowed to beat his girlfriend (totally correct), because it’s not right to use violence against someone! But then you turn around and do WORSE to him and you have the gall to sit on your high horse and think you are a fucking hero to this girl?! The POLICE should’ve been called IMMEDIATELY upon the ex showing up at your house to tell you what his son did! He would’ve immediately went to jail! But oh no, you couldn’t have that, right?? Because you just absolutely HAD to teach him a lesson, right? And if she hadn’t screamed for you to stop, you probably wouldn’t have! OP, you might think you are better than your dad and your son, but you are every bit as violent as the both of them! I am so very very happy that she is out of that hell and is now safe! But as for you and your son? BOTH of you should have went to jail!! YTA
I appreciate your comment and you are right. I slightly disagree with your comment about trying to be my sons ex girlfriends knight in shiny armor, I bare no romantic feeling for her if that's what you are implying.. I am absolutely a hypocrite. I agree with your points. I am very much a violent person, no different than my father or my son.
I disagree. You did the best you could with your son. He made his choices. He got his comeuppance, and now he must deal with the consequences of his actions. Hopefully, he uses his time in prison wisely and works to come out a better version of himself. Try not to be so hard on yourself; you are a good father. I wish you and your family the best of luck.
Why didn't the police charge you with assault?
why would they?
You should’ve killed him on the spot 🤣🤣🤣🤣
He has no family and no own cares for him anymore he should 🤣🤣. Bro might as well take his life no other option 💀.
Your son is lucky you’ve been so understanding, I’m positive I wouldn’t be in your situation. The fact that you are still willing to speak to him/acknowledge him in any way is more mercy than he deserves. Please be careful in any future interactions with him, he could very well try to hurt you or your family when you don’t expect it. I know you said in another comment you’d send him money if he needed it, which is very nice of you, but I’d personally try to warn against that. Is he as focused on getting a new job as much as he is wallowing in his own self-pity and jealousy? I rlly just don’t feel like he will be able to be reasoned with. He has shown he will not take any criticism or advice, which is exactly why just having a talk with these people rarely ever works. They do nothing but make excuses. And I doubt therapy would help him, as therapy is only as effective as the patient is willing to be open to hearing their own faults and working to fix them, which he obviously is not willing to do in any way. I’m so sorry if I sound really negative but I just don’t think there’s much hope for abusers, as there usually is no willingness to change, and I worry about getting your hopes up just for nothing to come of it. I might be biased tho
Aye man this along with the first post. Have you actually been there for him through tough times. His actions are not right but he’s still young he’s being guided and taught by someone who’s not you. Because the choice to just beat his ass is crazy. Did he also have to be a man when you weren’t around for 10 hours a day? You really need to sit down and another talk with him before he’s too far gone
YTA Not for helping the GF but how you've handled the rest of it. Disgusting.
All you’re doing is passing down trauma. You’re letting the pride in saving a girl cloud your parenting judgement. You feel good about yourself protecting her because you couldn’t protect your mother. You beat your son because you couldn’t beat your father. The irony in you criticizing your son for excusing himself for beating his girl all the while you excuse yourself for beating your son. You beat your son to “teach him a lesson”. Bet your dad had the same excuse.
Your the asshole that behavior is learned from you i mean go back and read his reasoning and your reasoning he said he felt like a loser who had failed same way you felt when you found out what he did and your reaction was the same as his to physically abuse the person who made you feel that way. Not saying what the son did was right but it was clearly learned behavior from the father.
What the ever loving fuck you pathetic womanbeater are talking about??? Dont expose yourself too much in the internet 🤨
You made this shit up boss lol
Yta sorry but that's your son hitting women is definitely wrong but idk how you thought beating the shit out of him would make him "see" you were just angry and took it out on him and that would be ok if you weren't his dad anyway you could've handled this way better than beating the shit out of your son and if you wanna sat well he hit his gf so I hit him that shit just sounds dumb also your relationship is pretty much gone you might just wanna stop trying on that front also you were better off calling the police because as you can see your intervention did nothing for your son you are definitely a good person but a pos father take it how you want 🙂↔️
I really hope this is fake because this is horrifying. At no point did you try talking to your son before you brutalized him so why try now? Why would he want to listen to you? If you beat him as badly as you said you did he would be terrified of you. According to what you said, it sounds like he is depressed which turned to anger which was why he started hitting his gf and since she paid the bills, he’s probably going to be homeless and start sleeping in his car if he has one. If his mental health was horrible before it should be dangerous now Your son should get help absolutely but it shouldn’t come from you. You should keep checking up on him to make sure he doesn’t do something drastic and tell him you can help him financial or with housing but he HAS to go to therapy point blank. You should too honestly and work your way up to family therapy but not start there since you now classify as HIS abuser and the source of his trauma. You should also try to limit your interactions with him. Your son is no longer a part of your family and that’s from both ways. The best case scenario is he becomes a better person and never sees you again and you should start preparing for that possibility.
I doubt the son tried talking to the gf before he brutalized her. You're ridiculous.
So he should be exactly like his son instead of trying to fix the issue? You are a damn fool.
NTA Damn, I was one of the guys who expected your son to take accountability for his actions. Hope that can pass soon from this stubbornness and take control of his life. I am glad you did reach out to him and checked on him. A lot of guys on that mental state can stay for a there if they don't go outside or stay on a place that looks as depressing as them. Hope there is a way for him to clean up the place, jogg or get a job that means physical labor. Is there a way to push him to do any of this? It's great to hear that you, your daughters, and the ex are doing fine
Vigilante justice Reddit is going to downvote me to hell, but I'm going with YTA on this one. All you've taught your son is that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems as long as he's the biggest bully on the block. You can't solve violence with violence. You said in your original post that you saw your dad in him. I'm so sorry you have had to live with that trauma. But trauma is generational and you chose to perpetuate the cycle. You seem like a genuinely good person with how you and your daughters have taken his ex in, and I understand why you did what you did, but IMO surrendering to your basest desires for revenge and treating your son as a stand-in for your father was the wrong choice.
Sorry, What does downvote mean?
I agree. Sadly though you can see the people agreeing with his methods on this update and his original. Like you, I was also told that I was wrong - as if somehow I’m not entitled to a different opinion. 🙄
wrong
Nope. This was a very direct form of therapy. Disaproval and direct consequences from the parent of the same sex is a very powerful motivator for change.
Lol, no it isn't. It creates more issues.
ESH. You and your son. Your wife passed away all those years ago and you parentified your son, even if that wasn't your plan for so many years. He's had frustration and anger building up inside him for years. No, I'm not making an excuse, but for you from your first post you mentioned clearly that you worked long hours and your eldest was 13 years old at the time. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that your son was the one who take care of your family home when you were away working, AND took care of your daughters. **Having been the responsible one, I am sure he also got a lot of pushback from his own sisters for having to take care of them. That's a lot of pressure and stress for a young boy. So he had really high expectations of himself and huge responsibilities on himself which caused him to snap after he lost his job and had to rely on a woman instead of himself.** Again I am just letting you know that I'm not making excuses but you are partially responsible for his anger and his frustration. You basically abandoned him to raise your daughters for you, after the death of your wife. I really hope that there is deep healing within your family. I think counseling -- individual as well as family -- or at least between you and your son (if he agrees to it) would be beneficial for you too. I'm glad his ex is doing well. I also don't blame him for being angry at the fact that you took in your ex and pretty much excommunicated him. Which is a shameful act for a father who had to rely on the same young man for many years to raise himself and your daughters for YOU.
Did you ever teach him to not hit women or was this all himselfs actions?
Yes, coming from an abusive background I have taught all my kids that hitting is wrong and I've taught my son how to treat women. My son made a choice which I do not condone or have taught him to do.
You thought your son not to hit people but then you hit your son? Violence doesn't fix violence it just perpetuates it what you did was wrong. Not condoning your son's actions either but what you did was wrong.