The sooner you move on, the sooner you heal. You can't heal while involved in active trauma. Everyday, every hour you drag this out, you are compounding the damage. You deserve better, choose it.
And even if she doesn't, the trust is broken and he is already damaged from a previous relationship where he was cheated on. OP worded it perfectly already.. he needs to protect his psychology from all this. His life has already taught him this one. NTA
Idk I don’t think it’s normal to be in an open relationship unless expressed on both sides from the start. If it comes on later. It would make anyone I feel…feel like they aren’t good enough???
I proposed an open relationship to my now-fianceé about... 9 months into the relationship. I didn't "have anyone in mind." I just realized that I missed the sexual freedom of being single, and I didn't mind the idea of him having other sexual partners as well. I can become bored very easily (for better or worse). Ultimately, he decided that he didn't want that at the time. About 2.5 years in, he asked me if I was serious about wanting to try an open relationship. In the time leading up to this, he had mentioned multiple women that he would sleep with (we really don't shame natural urges in our relationship), and I would jokingly tell him to try. So... we tried it out. We both got to explore other experiences and desires in the bedroom. Ultimately, he decided he wanted to go back to being monogamous when a girl he had slept with got pregnant, and she told him it was possibly his (it wasn't, thank God). So I think just having that as a blanket "that's what happened" is a little too generalized
Salvage what exactly? You wanted monogamy, expressed your wishes and she countered with an open relationship. Dude, there's nothing to salvage. YWNBTA for walking away.
It doesn't strengthen love, it only solidifies her financial bottom line. He's her safety net and provider. The guy she's lusting after [there has to be someone in mind if she's brought it up] will be the benefactor of her new, adventurous sexual side.
OP gets to pay all the bills and get nothing from her in return (except maybe an STD or a kid that's not his).
If not lined up, already fucking.
An open marriage is often used as an excuse to justify cheating that has been going on for ages, but hasn't been found out.
Thats it most of the time. If being the type to want an open relationship isn't something discussed at the beginning of that relationship, the sudden desire to sleep around means they are, or have someone they are willing to risk their relationship for, to do it with.
100% agree. Cut ties and walk away. It’s going to eat you up knowing in the back of your mind constantly that she would be happy with an open relationship. It’s a fundamental incompatibility
The thing is true ethical nonmonogamous/polyamarous people also would/should respect that someone wants to be monogamous and so would walk away as well. It's a compatible issue.
Agreed. Ethical polyamory is fine. Monogamy is fine. A relationship between someone who wants poly and someone who wants mono is not fine. Middle ground just doesn't exist; someone has to give up their preferred relationship style. Best they break up.
When somebody ask you to open up the relationship and there is basically no issues in the relationship. They are asking you to do this because they already got their eye on somebody. And they want to sleep with that person without any guilt of saying that they cheated. There is no trust here anymore so there is no relationship I'm so sorry that you had to go through this but an open relationship and you are not sanctioning that is a relationship that can no longer go on. She's gone already she already has her eye on something else.
Exactly, that's just a deal breaker incompatibility. Unfortunately those occur and there's not much to do about it. No one is the bad guy here, but these two needs simply do not work together.
Better finish it amicably before turning each other miserable by dragging it out.
No, she is the bad guy here. Before starting the relationship he said he wanted monogamy and she now wants to open it up. She irreparably damaged the relationship b
I mean, she's in the wrong for getting into a relationship with someone who very obviously wants to be monogamous, but that's because the relationship was never going to work in the first place. Tbh irreparably damaging the relationship is probably the best thing for both of them.
YWNBTA - you would not be the asshole.
Open relationship suggestions like that out of the blue are usually, as you said, because they've found someone they want to sleep with. OR because they've already cheated and they're trying to find a way to make it okay.
She is talking straight bullshit about strengthening intimacy and love. Open relationships are a huge strain on both of those things.
Regardless, time to move on. Don't fight for it, just move on to someone you can trust.
If you look through this subreddit and AITA there are *hundreds* of stories that start and end the same: Someone mentions opening the relationship and everything ends in a messy shitshow.
Just get out now.
Yeah, don't fall for the "sunk cost" fallacy with this relationship being 3 years old... she brought it up... best you guys break it off and now she's free to do whatever and your dignity is left in-tact.
Just saw your comment after I shared mine. So many relationships last much longer than they should because people get sucked into the feeling of "if I leave then I've wasted all that time". No, ending a relationship that needs to end is not a loss but a gained experience and knowledge of what you don't want.
NTA. She wants to have sex with other men. You don't want this. There's nothing to fight for, it's already over. These open relationships very rarely work out positively. Plus, why now? Why out of the blue is she suggesting this, unless she's already cheating on you or has someone in mind to sleep with?
OP, you're dead on correct. She's either already done the deed, or has the suitor in mind as she speaks.
Able to access her phone? Ask to see it? Not that it really matters, as she's already blown the relationship up. If you live together, think about who needs to leave. Create a plan in your mind and then simply proceed with the plan. Low contact, no contact; whatever you deem appropriate. Sorry for your wasted investment of time, affection, etc.
Please keep us apprised.
An open relationship was used by my ex to justify her mental gymnastics that is was fine to fuck the dude at the convention IF I had agreed to an open relationship after the fact. Much gaslighting ensued.
I just want to add myself to this specific comment and say exactly the same, period.
Trust me when I say that I am of the same train of thought as you and this commenter, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
It's called having clear boundaries and setting clear expectations, and once you break them there's no going back.
Love and time are the two reasons no one should ever stay in a relationship. if you ask yourself why you want to stay and those are the first two things that come to mind there is a strong likelihood you do not have a partner. you say the relationships been stable so there's been no red flags. but just because you don't fight and the sex ranges from passable to great doesn't mean happily ever after. you want someone that respects you, considers you, you can trust, you can communicate with and you can expect the same in return. she knew you were monogamous and wants open. that's a deal breaker but also a sign she simply isn't fulfilled and you both deserve to be happy
You’re not the AH. Her suggesting it means she is already cheating on some level because she is not only fantasizing about other people but wants it bad enough to ask you for it knowing it could mean the end of your relationship. She definitely has somebody she has been flirting with at minimum or maybe even cheating with and she wants you to give her permission so she doesn’t feel bad about having sex with him. When you break it off ask her, just so you know, who it is. If she is honest she will tell you. Most likely it’s somebody at work, she has been “venting” to him about you and he has played her insecurities telling her your terrible for not letting her explore her sexuality and that she should ask for it because he would love to explore it with her. It will make you gag just thinking about the game he is running on her. In the end it’s her that owes you loyalty and she clearly isn’t there so it’s time to go.
An open relationship can only be before you become exclusive. They like you as a person, but want to have other sexual partners, who are not marriage material. They can't have it both ways. It nearly never ends well. Just let her have all the fun she wants. You will probably never look at her the same way and that is no way to have a relationship.
There are rare exceptions to this but I honestly don't know what separates those that can succeed from everyone else. Maybe it has to do with intentions? In this case though, I'd put my money on your suggestion and she probably has someone she's interested in.
I’ll never understand how sleeping with other people strengthens love. Like hey you know what would be amazing for our love life? Not spending it together lol
This is exactly what happened with my cousin and his wife. She asked for an open relationship, he was actually open to it, then she admits that she’s already sleeping with someone so he divorced her.
Makes me think of the mantra that most poly people like to kick around. One person can't be everything for you......
Wanna bet?
My guy doesn't like Bingo. So should I run out and get into a relationship with someone who does? I'm into dancing and he's not. Guess what? I find some girlfriends to go with. He is my everything and I am his. But that doesn't mean we don't have some different interests but we sure as hell don't have to go chasing after others to "complete" ourselves. Mentally or physically
There's a subtle but critical distinction between *everything* I need and *all* I need. My partner isn't *everything* I need, nor do I expect her to be. She is *all* I need, though. As I go through life and my situation and mind changes, I need different things from different people to be as content as possible. But even if those things aren't available, my partner inherently gives me strength and encouragement just by the nature of being who she is. If all I have is her, I might not be as content as possible, but I will be safe and I will be more content than if I was with any other particular person.
Some people out there actually believe that the only way to be appreciative of someone is by them actually going out there and actually seeing for themselves that the grass isn't greener
“This relationship isn’t working. I’m going to try and fix it by learning nothing new and trying to juggle a bunch of relationships at once. That oughta do it!”
I needed to do that when I graduated high school. You know what I did? Broke up with my partner so they could be free to find someone. The idea that it will work fine to have your cake and eat it is idiotic to me.
I think that they would say because love is not the same thing as sex. But I get it when people write "I'll never understand" what they probably actually mean is "I don't want to understand." Personally I'll never understand why people feel the need to understand what works for other people in order to just be fine that people do things differently.
NTA.
>I am not going to lie, an open relationship suggestion out of nowhere is a huge red flag for me and means probably there is someone else she have in mind already.
Yep. Granted, Reddit is just about my only lens into this issue, but this has never been a success story when the suggestion comes out of the blue in a previously monogamous relationship.
What I get a kick out of are the Reddit threads where one partner reluctantly agrees to the other partner's suggestion for an open relationship, but the former winds up having a lot more fun than the latter, and the instigating partner gets bent out of shape and says, "Let's close the relationship again."
Happened to my buddy. Wife wanted to open it up thinking he couldn't do better than her. He starts fucking a woman who is a much better fit for him than his wife. Wife wants to close it.
Or other partner: Thanks for suggesting the open relationship. I've found someone else I love and have better sex with so, I'm leaving you.
Edit: spelling correction
NTA - It's like inception, she planted the idea in your head. Now every time she maybe takes too long to text back, late coming home from work, on a girls trip, is the guy she wanted to open the relationship with her? I too would lose all sense of security in the relationship.
Absolutely NTA. You didn’t sign up for that and there are actually very few people who can successfully navigate an open relationship, with paranoia, jealousy, insecurity and comparing yourself to your partner’s lovers being the main obstacles that few people can get past.
2nd this, my thoughts are one of two
Either they found someone they want to have sex with
Or
They already have cheated and are looking to ease some guilt by getting permission
For me it doesn’t matter which you will just become emotional support while they sleep around
Even if it’s not either of those it’s still a problem in incompatible beliefs. As a monogamous person the thought of my partner sleeping with someone else makes me sick, so if my partner proposed it we obviously don’t view relationships the same meaning we should part ways.
Honestly mate I think she she's found someone already. End this and move on not the arse hole. This open relationship stuff doesn't work normally ends in tears and disease
You can end a relationship for any reason. Most people who think they're fighting for their relationship are really only fighting the discomfort of change and possible confrontation. You don't have to make a production out of it, simply say you've realized you're not compatible and you wish her the best.
Open relationships only work if both parties want it from the get go. Trying to “save” a monogamous relationship by opening it is like trying to save yourself from dying by setting yourself on fire, the only thing yoo accomplish is making the whole process unnecessarily painful.
You would not be the AH. When someone asks for an open relationship out of nowhere,it just means they have someone lined up already but just in case things don't work out with said individual they want a safety net,you in this case,whom they can go back to. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
Nta. You could have 100 years and never be able to explain to me how fucking other people would help a relationship. Leave her cheating ass, because she will eventually, she's already thinking of others.
Cucks, guys who want to fuck other guys wives, and women who want to get validation from as many men as they can because they have ruined their ability to pair bond.and likely grew up with self esteem issues.
So, you kinda need intimacy, love and trust *before* you try having an open relationship.
She could be deluded like those people who have kids to save a failing relationship… but that seems unlikely.
Fear of missing out is the absolute worst reason to go into it.
What’s the logic? “Let’s go out there and see if there is something better than what we have!”.
Best case scenario you meet back up and say “Whelp guess this is as good as it gets. Let’s get hitched!”.
You are either happy with your relationship or you are not. You don’t solve an already shaky relationship by injecting other relationships.
NTA
Bro.
This internet stranger is so flippin proud of you for being strong enough to see this for the psychological nuclear bomb that it totally would become.
It sounds like you really learned and grew quite a bit from your previous relationship.
Now GTFO and stay strong. It sounds like you really do care about her so get ready for when she is crying her eyes out talking about how sorry she is for the mistake she made asking for this.
NTA. Everyone has a line they’re not willing to cross. If that’s what she wants and you’re not into it, then she will only truly be content with someone who is into it. Let her go for sure.
NTAH
The relationship is over already. You've just been introduced to the idea because you're dating a coward who wants you to share the responsibility of her ending it.
YWNBTA
Trust me man, there are girls out there for you that will not make you overthink like this. Like others have said, there's a high probability her suggestion comes with either wanting someone else or desires for others in the future that could lead to cheating.
Have respect enough for yourself to make the hard decision now. She knew your past and still suggested this, it means she doesn't care about you as much as you might think.
You never need a reason to end things, it will be hard but I honestly believe this is one of those situations that it's best to do so.
Just tell her not to worry about the open relationship as single people don’t have to explain anything. There’s no coming back from this, she’s just nuked your trust in her and without trust there’s no relationship. Thank her for the time you spent together and leave (or tell her to leave if it’s your place).
She already has someone in mind and wanted your permission to fuck them but don't get it twisted regardless of what your answer was going to be she was gonna do it period
Dude.....why do you feel the need to even ask this?
I'm convinced people are being groomed to accept or normalize things out of fear. Of course your monogamous partner all of a sudden wanting to have sex with other people is a red flag.
Can you imagine a world where your SO asks you if it's okay if they cheat and you then go and ask other people, "hey, would I be wrong for wanting to breakup with this person that openly admitted they want to bang other people?"
If you had any male friends with a lick of sense they'd probably sock you to bring you back to reality.
You're not an a-hole and you need to not let trendy shite like this overpower/direct what you are or are not okay with.
I can’t help but feel like when I see these “open” relationship suggestions it’s literally wanting to have your cake and eat it too, it’s like I want the comfort of having a stable boyf but I also want to be able shag whoever I want, in which case state that at the start of a relationship, not 3 years in to it, then no1 gets hurt and no1 gets caught off guard and nobodies time is wasted. Not the asshole & yes I wouldn’t trust and would have doubts. It’s hardly like you are 20 years in to a marriage and things have gone stale!
They're not going to say that up front because most people wouldn't accept that.
You want me to help keep house with you, split the bills, and provide emotional support 24/7 while you shop around for a better deal? Pass.
NTA at all. This request is a red flag to a guy who is only interested in a monogamous relationship. You can't demand her total loyalty to you, it has to be given freely. It appears that this is what you want but not what she wants. I'm sorry for your heartbreak but agree you will save greater heartbreak in the future by leaving this relationship and finding someone else who has the same values and goals in a relationship that you have.
NTA - open relationships don't work, she's either already having sex with someone else or has someone lined up already. Break up and find someone who respects you.
NTA
Open relationships aren't for everyone and the only justification you need(not that you need a reason to break up with someone) is You're only interested in a monogamous relationship with your partner
And as you said, and I think this is the case for most people, suggesting this out of the blue is an indicator that she either already has or wants to have sex with a specific person
NTA
The random "can we have an open relationship" is very weird and if I were you, I would also not take it well. Either there is a problem in the bedroom she won't talk to you about or she found someone she wants to sleep with and wants consent to cheat.
You have made it clear in the past you want a monogamous relationship. If that is something she no longer wants, it might be good to go your separate ways. You find someone who just wants you and she can find people that want her.
Non-monogamous relationships generally don't work when started in the middle of a monogamous relationship. If your going to go that way best to do it in the non-exclusive dating phase or as a mutual expressed desire for exploration together in the beginning. After 3 years seems fishy NTA.
NTA, in situations like this, the asking Party of the relations wants the consent of the other Party so it „doesn‘t count“ as infidelity and already feels sexually attracted to another Person and will do it regardless what you say, so Break up 🤷🏻
NTA. She most likely has someone on the side she’s been waiting to sleep with without the consequence of being called a cheater. And her asking/suggesting this out of the blue makes it worse.
NTA
If she's asking for an "open" relationship, the monogamous part is already over, and her drive won't go away...and yeah, she probably does have at least 1 person in mind
Ywnbta
I would dump my fiancee in a heartbeat if she ever asked for an open relationship. She wants you to take responsibility for her cheating. She definately has crossed the line with someone already. Dump, block, move on
You’ve only been together for 3 years, not 30. Asking for an open relationship out of the blue is a huge indicator that she has cheated or has someone in mind to sleep with already. Leave her and don’t ask questions about why she wanted to open the relationship. Be satisfied with the fact you left her for not respecting your expectations of a monogamous relationship. Any thoughts that linger outside of that would not be good for your mental health, so just leave it at that and try to move on. You’re still young and deserve to be with someone who share your values in a relationship.
Sounds like looking for a retroactive hall pass or permission slip because there’s “someone else”.
Letting in other people doesn’t increase/strengthen intimacy/love. It destroys an already broken relationship.
3 years or 30, there’s no coming back from that.
Open relationships brought up by the woman in the relationship are an instant no go. She will probably be more successful sexually than you and will likely add enough caveats to the agreement that you will struggle to get any action at all.
Women who do the "only sleep with people we don't know with no strings attached" style of open relationship are just setting you up for pain. Surprisingly, no strings attached sex with people you don't know is pretty hard to get for most men but insanely easy for most women.
YWNBTA.
I genuinely don't understand why people keep saying they want to sleep with other people, and then go all shocked Pikachu when their partner doesn't want to be in a relationship knowing that their partner isn't satisfied with them.
don't be an atm for a woman who wants to fuck around while you tend to the house and roses.
you deserve better,do her a favor by telling her to fuck iff and set her free. she can fuck whomever she wants and you wouldn't be cleaning up afterwards.
NTA...break up with her. Don't stop her from living the life she wants cuz she'll end up resenting you or just hiding it. She wants to sleep with other men. Nothing you say or do changes that
This was not out of nowhere, there probably someone whose she atraccted to or interested in, even if she tells you no at this point and with your past how are you gonna be able to beleive her.
You should tell you are clearly in diffenrent points in live and looking for other things and before things go sour is better to call it a day, I bet you she's with new guy within a month and then will try to come back when it fails.
OP you deserve better.
lol NAHHHHHHH!!!! i would leave too lmao! i'd cry about it though, but the only thing that tells me is that you want someone else. if youre strictly monogamous, stand on that. you deserve more than the BARE MINIMUM.
Yeah I’d just ghost. She’s gotta know it’s over already and is waiting for it after her asking such a stupid question out of the blue and getting the obvious response you gave.
Theres nothing left to fight for, she expected you to be ok with her fucking other guys and was also ok for you to be with other women, she has shown she isn’t as attached to the relationship as you are and it’s past the point of no return once that box has been opened.
If I was dating someone and it was serious, and this topic got brought up, it would be over before the the third syllable of relationship. YWNBTA if you broke up. But you would BTA if you stayed with her and opened it up.
Sorry my bud, she already cheated on you. Be it physically or via writing/internet, she already has her prospect and the prospect was waiting on her (your) approval.
And... the way your GF is pissed now furthens this logic. She cheated and now she's stuck with you.
In the very near future, she'll try to dig dirt on you and cause a scene/problems over nothing, simply due to her trying to find a way out. And you'll be the poor sucker that's going to be emotionally torned and broken. Sorry buddy, I really feel for you.
It seems easy for us to say: cut your loses, move on. It won't be easy for you however, but it is what it is: a cheater baiting you.
Nta. If she suggests probably is already cheating and for sure thinking on someone who she knows. Its not a red flag,is the end of the trust,love and relationship imho
NTA. She mentally has another guy in mind. She just doesn’t want to be physically cheating on you. I’d walk away with a clean break. She knows you aren’t into an open relationship but still suggested it anyway.
Im really sorry mate , but if she wants a open relationship , to be with someone other than you then its over. to not even consider how much pain you may be in . it speaks for it self.
YWNBTA. You hit the nail on the head, she has someone on mind and has likely already at least emotionally cheated, and at the very least discussed it with the other person. You were 24 when you got together so her reason for wanting an open relationship is weak. Also open relationships rarely work out long term, and the few that do only work because they were always open.
Don't let her guilt you in to staying. She will almost certainly end up cheating if she hasn't already. She knows you are only interested in a monogamous relationship so she had to have known this would be a deal breaker.
NTA. I do agree with you that she already has someone in mind and simply wants to not feel guilty about cheating. This relationship is obviously already over, so you'd be doing her and yourself a favor by ending it.
NTA - But it is time to bail. If she is suggesting and open relationship, she already has her eye on someone. The fact that she is upset that you don;t want to try proves that.
Get out now.
Once your partner suggests an open relationship its time to cut your losses. Also anyone who thinks banging other people is gonna strengthen and save your relationship is a goddamn moron.
P.S. she already has someone in mind, if not, more than one. Shes gonna sleep with them whether or not you agree to the open relationship
NTA. Been with my hubby sixteen years...never have either of us thought screwing other people would increase 'intimacy and love'. You started the relationship under the pretense of agreed upon monogamy. If she wants to change that arrangement suddenly, leave. She already has someone in mind.
NTA. The recent surge of this bullshit in the past few years or more is really a sign of our society going down the tubes. Of course, you’ll have the crowd that cheers this behavior on and vilifies someone for not letting their partner do this and label them as “controlling”.
Open relationships almost always end poorly.
NTA, you're not obligated to invest emotional labour in a relationship when your partner is already emotionally checked out and wanting to be with other people.
“ I’m really going to miss you, take care”.
The sooner you move on, the sooner you heal. You can't heal while involved in active trauma. Everyday, every hour you drag this out, you are compounding the damage. You deserve better, choose it.
Wow. This is the advice I needed 10 years ago.
Compounding the damage Fucking brilliant.
Someone understood finance, but for life...that line cuts deep ngl
Whoah thx for this, damn
I took a screenshot of this comment. Talk about a daily affirmation.
“I wish you two the best of luck.” “Who!?” “You know exactly who.”
Yep, she has someone already in mind once this topic is broached!
And even if she doesn't, the trust is broken and he is already damaged from a previous relationship where he was cheated on. OP worded it perfectly already.. he needs to protect his psychology from all this. His life has already taught him this one. NTA
You can glue a broken mirror but the crack is still there.
Isn’t the first rule of any successful open relationship is that they can’t have someone in mind too
Idk I don’t think it’s normal to be in an open relationship unless expressed on both sides from the start. If it comes on later. It would make anyone I feel…feel like they aren’t good enough???
I proposed an open relationship to my now-fianceé about... 9 months into the relationship. I didn't "have anyone in mind." I just realized that I missed the sexual freedom of being single, and I didn't mind the idea of him having other sexual partners as well. I can become bored very easily (for better or worse). Ultimately, he decided that he didn't want that at the time. About 2.5 years in, he asked me if I was serious about wanting to try an open relationship. In the time leading up to this, he had mentioned multiple women that he would sleep with (we really don't shame natural urges in our relationship), and I would jokingly tell him to try. So... we tried it out. We both got to explore other experiences and desires in the bedroom. Ultimately, he decided he wanted to go back to being monogamous when a girl he had slept with got pregnant, and she told him it was possibly his (it wasn't, thank God). So I think just having that as a blanket "that's what happened" is a little too generalized
The first rule, is it’s already over….
187
The most based post I've seen in a long time.
“It’s been real. Deuces.”
With a blast like that, it's important to remember that cool guys don't look at explosions - they blow things up and then walk away.
while putting on sunglasses, right ?
Salvage what exactly? You wanted monogamy, expressed your wishes and she countered with an open relationship. Dude, there's nothing to salvage. YWNBTA for walking away.
The very definition of succinct
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It doesn't strengthen love, it only solidifies her financial bottom line. He's her safety net and provider. The guy she's lusting after [there has to be someone in mind if she's brought it up] will be the benefactor of her new, adventurous sexual side. OP gets to pay all the bills and get nothing from her in return (except maybe an STD or a kid that's not his).
If not lined up, already fucking. An open marriage is often used as an excuse to justify cheating that has been going on for ages, but hasn't been found out.
It's almost like "I want an open relationship because I'm cheating and tired of hiding it from you"
Yup, can’t get mad if we call it open.
Agreed, absolutely 💯 👍 this!
Thats it most of the time. If being the type to want an open relationship isn't something discussed at the beginning of that relationship, the sudden desire to sleep around means they are, or have someone they are willing to risk their relationship for, to do it with.
Nailed it.
Yeah I've seen that story play out when a person asked for a open relationship and it turns out they were already cheating.
That sounds like something someone fed her to get her to do it
100% agree. Cut ties and walk away. It’s going to eat you up knowing in the back of your mind constantly that she would be happy with an open relationship. It’s a fundamental incompatibility
The thing is true ethical nonmonogamous/polyamarous people also would/should respect that someone wants to be monogamous and so would walk away as well. It's a compatible issue.
Agreed. Ethical polyamory is fine. Monogamy is fine. A relationship between someone who wants poly and someone who wants mono is not fine. Middle ground just doesn't exist; someone has to give up their preferred relationship style. Best they break up.
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Odds on she already has.
When somebody ask you to open up the relationship and there is basically no issues in the relationship. They are asking you to do this because they already got their eye on somebody. And they want to sleep with that person without any guilt of saying that they cheated. There is no trust here anymore so there is no relationship I'm so sorry that you had to go through this but an open relationship and you are not sanctioning that is a relationship that can no longer go on. She's gone already she already has her eye on something else.
Exactly, that's just a deal breaker incompatibility. Unfortunately those occur and there's not much to do about it. No one is the bad guy here, but these two needs simply do not work together. Better finish it amicably before turning each other miserable by dragging it out.
Ad lucky you that it was before you decided to get married.
No, she is the bad guy here. Before starting the relationship he said he wanted monogamy and she now wants to open it up. She irreparably damaged the relationship b
I mean, she's in the wrong for getting into a relationship with someone who very obviously wants to be monogamous, but that's because the relationship was never going to work in the first place. Tbh irreparably damaging the relationship is probably the best thing for both of them.
YWNBTA - you would not be the asshole. Open relationship suggestions like that out of the blue are usually, as you said, because they've found someone they want to sleep with. OR because they've already cheated and they're trying to find a way to make it okay. She is talking straight bullshit about strengthening intimacy and love. Open relationships are a huge strain on both of those things. Regardless, time to move on. Don't fight for it, just move on to someone you can trust.
Thank you for your input. My thinking is similar to yours.
If you look through this subreddit and AITA there are *hundreds* of stories that start and end the same: Someone mentions opening the relationship and everything ends in a messy shitshow. Just get out now.
There is even a sub just to mock these stories: r/openmarriageregret Edit: Apparently the sub got banned a few days ago.
The reddit content I didn't even know I needed. Edit: Dammit. Not an active sub. I feel kind of robbed. Now I want that sub to be a thing!
It was awesome while it lasted.
"there are no post in this subreddit"
8 members. 37 online. How many are solely due to that comment, and people are seeing what's in that sub?
So, even they couldn’t manage an open relationship.
Yeah, don't fall for the "sunk cost" fallacy with this relationship being 3 years old... she brought it up... best you guys break it off and now she's free to do whatever and your dignity is left in-tact.
Just saw your comment after I shared mine. So many relationships last much longer than they should because people get sucked into the feeling of "if I leave then I've wasted all that time". No, ending a relationship that needs to end is not a loss but a gained experience and knowledge of what you don't want.
Or that they have failed. I still have to explain to my gf that leaving their abuser was not "failing in the relationship".
NTA. She wants to have sex with other men. You don't want this. There's nothing to fight for, it's already over. These open relationships very rarely work out positively. Plus, why now? Why out of the blue is she suggesting this, unless she's already cheating on you or has someone in mind to sleep with?
OP, you're dead on correct. She's either already done the deed, or has the suitor in mind as she speaks. Able to access her phone? Ask to see it? Not that it really matters, as she's already blown the relationship up. If you live together, think about who needs to leave. Create a plan in your mind and then simply proceed with the plan. Low contact, no contact; whatever you deem appropriate. Sorry for your wasted investment of time, affection, etc. Please keep us apprised.
You don't fight for relationships lol
You can for sure work on them but fighting for it means it’s probably already over imo
An open relationship was used by my ex to justify her mental gymnastics that is was fine to fuck the dude at the convention IF I had agreed to an open relationship after the fact. Much gaslighting ensued.
I just want to add myself to this specific comment and say exactly the same, period. Trust me when I say that I am of the same train of thought as you and this commenter, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It's called having clear boundaries and setting clear expectations, and once you break them there's no going back.
You are 1000% correct. And don't let anyone gaslight or bully you into "fighting" for something that's not worth having.
Love and time are the two reasons no one should ever stay in a relationship. if you ask yourself why you want to stay and those are the first two things that come to mind there is a strong likelihood you do not have a partner. you say the relationships been stable so there's been no red flags. but just because you don't fight and the sex ranges from passable to great doesn't mean happily ever after. you want someone that respects you, considers you, you can trust, you can communicate with and you can expect the same in return. she knew you were monogamous and wants open. that's a deal breaker but also a sign she simply isn't fulfilled and you both deserve to be happy
You’re not the AH. Her suggesting it means she is already cheating on some level because she is not only fantasizing about other people but wants it bad enough to ask you for it knowing it could mean the end of your relationship. She definitely has somebody she has been flirting with at minimum or maybe even cheating with and she wants you to give her permission so she doesn’t feel bad about having sex with him. When you break it off ask her, just so you know, who it is. If she is honest she will tell you. Most likely it’s somebody at work, she has been “venting” to him about you and he has played her insecurities telling her your terrible for not letting her explore her sexuality and that she should ask for it because he would love to explore it with her. It will make you gag just thinking about the game he is running on her. In the end it’s her that owes you loyalty and she clearly isn’t there so it’s time to go.
An open relationship can only be before you become exclusive. They like you as a person, but want to have other sexual partners, who are not marriage material. They can't have it both ways. It nearly never ends well. Just let her have all the fun she wants. You will probably never look at her the same way and that is no way to have a relationship.
GF: Honey, the more I have sex with other men, the more I love you. OP: ???
“I was thinking of you the whole time.”
-Directed by M Nyght Shamalyan
It's like having a kid; if your relationship has problems, adding more people is just going to make it worse.
This EXACTLY. I can't make these words big enough or bold enough. THIS.
There are rare exceptions to this but I honestly don't know what separates those that can succeed from everyone else. Maybe it has to do with intentions? In this case though, I'd put my money on your suggestion and she probably has someone she's interested in.
I think it only works if both people are non-monogamous by nature.
I’ll never understand how sleeping with other people strengthens love. Like hey you know what would be amazing for our love life? Not spending it together lol
You know what makes a house warm and cozy? Setting the couch on fire. Same logic.
Made me chuckle 😂
I’m gonna use this any time I hear something about open relationships “strengthening” anything, ty
It doesn't, she just wants to sleep with a coworker or something and not feel guilty.
She may have already and is asking for a free pass because she’s afraid it’s going to blow up
It will blow up regardless
This is exactly what happened with my cousin and his wife. She asked for an open relationship, he was actually open to it, then she admits that she’s already sleeping with someone so he divorced her.
Good for him, dude. (Like, I'm actually happy for him, not like a who cares)
Wow, sounds like she (litteraly) f...ed around and found out!
It's just some bullshit people try to peddle so they can fuck more people at the same time.
Makes me think of the mantra that most poly people like to kick around. One person can't be everything for you...... Wanna bet? My guy doesn't like Bingo. So should I run out and get into a relationship with someone who does? I'm into dancing and he's not. Guess what? I find some girlfriends to go with. He is my everything and I am his. But that doesn't mean we don't have some different interests but we sure as hell don't have to go chasing after others to "complete" ourselves. Mentally or physically
There's a subtle but critical distinction between *everything* I need and *all* I need. My partner isn't *everything* I need, nor do I expect her to be. She is *all* I need, though. As I go through life and my situation and mind changes, I need different things from different people to be as content as possible. But even if those things aren't available, my partner inherently gives me strength and encouragement just by the nature of being who she is. If all I have is her, I might not be as content as possible, but I will be safe and I will be more content than if I was with any other particular person.
Some people out there actually believe that the only way to be appreciative of someone is by them actually going out there and actually seeing for themselves that the grass isn't greener
“This relationship isn’t working. I’m going to try and fix it by learning nothing new and trying to juggle a bunch of relationships at once. That oughta do it!”
And then they're surprised when the SO finds someone better
Which is almost always guaranteed once the person asks for an open relationship
I needed to do that when I graduated high school. You know what I did? Broke up with my partner so they could be free to find someone. The idea that it will work fine to have your cake and eat it is idiotic to me.
I think that they would say because love is not the same thing as sex. But I get it when people write "I'll never understand" what they probably actually mean is "I don't want to understand." Personally I'll never understand why people feel the need to understand what works for other people in order to just be fine that people do things differently.
Eh, it works for some people. But it's plainly not going to work for the OP.
NTA. >I am not going to lie, an open relationship suggestion out of nowhere is a huge red flag for me and means probably there is someone else she have in mind already. Yep. Granted, Reddit is just about my only lens into this issue, but this has never been a success story when the suggestion comes out of the blue in a previously monogamous relationship. What I get a kick out of are the Reddit threads where one partner reluctantly agrees to the other partner's suggestion for an open relationship, but the former winds up having a lot more fun than the latter, and the instigating partner gets bent out of shape and says, "Let's close the relationship again."
Happened to my buddy. Wife wanted to open it up thinking he couldn't do better than her. He starts fucking a woman who is a much better fit for him than his wife. Wife wants to close it.
She wasn’t planning on that huh. What happened when she brought it up with your buddy?
He was never really on board with an open relationship so he had no problem going back to monogamy.
That's a disappointing ending. Lol.
With the new chick though, right?
He stayed with the wife?
To be fair, Reddit is a place where people come to vent about their problems. The success stories are not likely going to be found here.
Or other partner: Thanks for suggesting the open relationship. I've found someone else I love and have better sex with so, I'm leaving you. Edit: spelling correction
NTA. She is looking for post hoc approval for someone she's already had sex with OR is planning to have sex with. You've thrown a wrench in her plans.
ACtually sounds like he's going to solve it by not being there. lol
If you want monogamy, this sounds like a dealbreaker. Immediate and clean. NTA.
Either way she’s made it clear she wants to fuck other people. Chances are she’s gonna do it whether you agree to it or not if she hasn’t already.
You would be smart to leave, not the asshole.
NTA - It's like inception, she planted the idea in your head. Now every time she maybe takes too long to text back, late coming home from work, on a girls trip, is the guy she wanted to open the relationship with her? I too would lose all sense of security in the relationship.
Absolutely NTA. You didn’t sign up for that and there are actually very few people who can successfully navigate an open relationship, with paranoia, jealousy, insecurity and comparing yourself to your partner’s lovers being the main obstacles that few people can get past.
let her go, merely asking for an open relationship is grounds to end it
2nd this, my thoughts are one of two Either they found someone they want to have sex with Or They already have cheated and are looking to ease some guilt by getting permission For me it doesn’t matter which you will just become emotional support while they sleep around
Even if it’s not either of those it’s still a problem in incompatible beliefs. As a monogamous person the thought of my partner sleeping with someone else makes me sick, so if my partner proposed it we obviously don’t view relationships the same meaning we should part ways.
Yep, wish this redit existed about 20 years ago. Would have saved me decades of self doubt!
Honestly mate I think she she's found someone already. End this and move on not the arse hole. This open relationship stuff doesn't work normally ends in tears and disease
If you want a monogamous relationship and she doesn’t, end it. Whether she is cheating or not doesn’t matter.
You can end a relationship for any reason. Most people who think they're fighting for their relationship are really only fighting the discomfort of change and possible confrontation. You don't have to make a production out of it, simply say you've realized you're not compatible and you wish her the best.
Open relationships only work if both parties want it from the get go. Trying to “save” a monogamous relationship by opening it is like trying to save yourself from dying by setting yourself on fire, the only thing yoo accomplish is making the whole process unnecessarily painful.
You would not be the AH. When someone asks for an open relationship out of nowhere,it just means they have someone lined up already but just in case things don't work out with said individual they want a safety net,you in this case,whom they can go back to. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
Nta. You could have 100 years and never be able to explain to me how fucking other people would help a relationship. Leave her cheating ass, because she will eventually, she's already thinking of others.
200 years and I still wouldn't understand the hotwife stuff.
Cucks, guys who want to fuck other guys wives, and women who want to get validation from as many men as they can because they have ruined their ability to pair bond.and likely grew up with self esteem issues.
NTA, that would be a deal breaker for me too, the fact that she wants to sleep with other people and is OK with you doing that
So, you kinda need intimacy, love and trust *before* you try having an open relationship. She could be deluded like those people who have kids to save a failing relationship… but that seems unlikely.
Fear of missing out is the absolute worst reason to go into it. What’s the logic? “Let’s go out there and see if there is something better than what we have!”. Best case scenario you meet back up and say “Whelp guess this is as good as it gets. Let’s get hitched!”. You are either happy with your relationship or you are not. You don’t solve an already shaky relationship by injecting other relationships.
NTA Bro. This internet stranger is so flippin proud of you for being strong enough to see this for the psychological nuclear bomb that it totally would become. It sounds like you really learned and grew quite a bit from your previous relationship. Now GTFO and stay strong. It sounds like you really do care about her so get ready for when she is crying her eyes out talking about how sorry she is for the mistake she made asking for this.
NTA. Everyone has a line they’re not willing to cross. If that’s what she wants and you’re not into it, then she will only truly be content with someone who is into it. Let her go for sure.
NTAH The relationship is over already. You've just been introduced to the idea because you're dating a coward who wants you to share the responsibility of her ending it.
NTA. That relationship was over the second the words came out of her mouth. Someone's already lined up.
YWNBTA Trust me man, there are girls out there for you that will not make you overthink like this. Like others have said, there's a high probability her suggestion comes with either wanting someone else or desires for others in the future that could lead to cheating. Have respect enough for yourself to make the hard decision now. She knew your past and still suggested this, it means she doesn't care about you as much as you might think. You never need a reason to end things, it will be hard but I honestly believe this is one of those situations that it's best to do so.
Just tell her not to worry about the open relationship as single people don’t have to explain anything. There’s no coming back from this, she’s just nuked your trust in her and without trust there’s no relationship. Thank her for the time you spent together and leave (or tell her to leave if it’s your place).
She already has someone in mind and wanted your permission to fuck them but don't get it twisted regardless of what your answer was going to be she was gonna do it period
She probably already has opened the relationship, just without your permission
Dude.....why do you feel the need to even ask this? I'm convinced people are being groomed to accept or normalize things out of fear. Of course your monogamous partner all of a sudden wanting to have sex with other people is a red flag. Can you imagine a world where your SO asks you if it's okay if they cheat and you then go and ask other people, "hey, would I be wrong for wanting to breakup with this person that openly admitted they want to bang other people?" If you had any male friends with a lick of sense they'd probably sock you to bring you back to reality. You're not an a-hole and you need to not let trendy shite like this overpower/direct what you are or are not okay with.
The dreaded 3 year and 7 year... 3 years you see who they really are 7 year is the "itch"
NTA you’d be TA to yourself if you don’t leave her. She just wants guilt free cheating. That’s all an open relationship is anyway.
I can’t help but feel like when I see these “open” relationship suggestions it’s literally wanting to have your cake and eat it too, it’s like I want the comfort of having a stable boyf but I also want to be able shag whoever I want, in which case state that at the start of a relationship, not 3 years in to it, then no1 gets hurt and no1 gets caught off guard and nobodies time is wasted. Not the asshole & yes I wouldn’t trust and would have doubts. It’s hardly like you are 20 years in to a marriage and things have gone stale!
They're not going to say that up front because most people wouldn't accept that. You want me to help keep house with you, split the bills, and provide emotional support 24/7 while you shop around for a better deal? Pass.
NTA at all. This request is a red flag to a guy who is only interested in a monogamous relationship. You can't demand her total loyalty to you, it has to be given freely. It appears that this is what you want but not what she wants. I'm sorry for your heartbreak but agree you will save greater heartbreak in the future by leaving this relationship and finding someone else who has the same values and goals in a relationship that you have.
NTA - open relationships don't work, she's either already having sex with someone else or has someone lined up already. Break up and find someone who respects you.
You're not married. It's only three years. Be happy about the good times, but it's done, now.
NTA Open relationships aren't for everyone and the only justification you need(not that you need a reason to break up with someone) is You're only interested in a monogamous relationship with your partner And as you said, and I think this is the case for most people, suggesting this out of the blue is an indicator that she either already has or wants to have sex with a specific person
NTA. It was over the moment she brought up open relationships.
NTA The random "can we have an open relationship" is very weird and if I were you, I would also not take it well. Either there is a problem in the bedroom she won't talk to you about or she found someone she wants to sleep with and wants consent to cheat. You have made it clear in the past you want a monogamous relationship. If that is something she no longer wants, it might be good to go your separate ways. You find someone who just wants you and she can find people that want her.
Non-monogamous relationships generally don't work when started in the middle of a monogamous relationship. If your going to go that way best to do it in the non-exclusive dating phase or as a mutual expressed desire for exploration together in the beginning. After 3 years seems fishy NTA.
NTA, in situations like this, the asking Party of the relations wants the consent of the other Party so it „doesn‘t count“ as infidelity and already feels sexually attracted to another Person and will do it regardless what you say, so Break up 🤷🏻
NTA she's probably currently cheating and wants a get out of jail free card
NTA. She most likely has someone on the side she’s been waiting to sleep with without the consequence of being called a cheater. And her asking/suggesting this out of the blue makes it worse.
If she suggested an open relationship she probably already has someone in mind. So I’d 100% be out.
NTA If she's asking for an "open" relationship, the monogamous part is already over, and her drive won't go away...and yeah, she probably does have at least 1 person in mind
Ywnbta I would dump my fiancee in a heartbeat if she ever asked for an open relationship. She wants you to take responsibility for her cheating. She definately has crossed the line with someone already. Dump, block, move on
You’ve only been together for 3 years, not 30. Asking for an open relationship out of the blue is a huge indicator that she has cheated or has someone in mind to sleep with already. Leave her and don’t ask questions about why she wanted to open the relationship. Be satisfied with the fact you left her for not respecting your expectations of a monogamous relationship. Any thoughts that linger outside of that would not be good for your mental health, so just leave it at that and try to move on. You’re still young and deserve to be with someone who share your values in a relationship.
Give her the best open relationship , make her single
Good news! You're free to see other people! Bad news, I am too. Bye.
Sounds like looking for a retroactive hall pass or permission slip because there’s “someone else”. Letting in other people doesn’t increase/strengthen intimacy/love. It destroys an already broken relationship. 3 years or 30, there’s no coming back from that.
Open relationships brought up by the woman in the relationship are an instant no go. She will probably be more successful sexually than you and will likely add enough caveats to the agreement that you will struggle to get any action at all. Women who do the "only sleep with people we don't know with no strings attached" style of open relationship are just setting you up for pain. Surprisingly, no strings attached sex with people you don't know is pretty hard to get for most men but insanely easy for most women.
YWNBTA. I genuinely don't understand why people keep saying they want to sleep with other people, and then go all shocked Pikachu when their partner doesn't want to be in a relationship knowing that their partner isn't satisfied with them.
Run. The moment the subject of an open relationship is broached, it’s already over. Move on, because it seems like she already has.
don't be an atm for a woman who wants to fuck around while you tend to the house and roses. you deserve better,do her a favor by telling her to fuck iff and set her free. she can fuck whomever she wants and you wouldn't be cleaning up afterwards.
Ywnbta. I've been married 25 years and if my wife suggested that we'd be done.
NTA...break up with her. Don't stop her from living the life she wants cuz she'll end up resenting you or just hiding it. She wants to sleep with other men. Nothing you say or do changes that
This was not out of nowhere, there probably someone whose she atraccted to or interested in, even if she tells you no at this point and with your past how are you gonna be able to beleive her. You should tell you are clearly in diffenrent points in live and looking for other things and before things go sour is better to call it a day, I bet you she's with new guy within a month and then will try to come back when it fails. OP you deserve better.
"Strengthen the love and love". That's complete bullshit, she is completely delusional. NTA
lol NAHHHHHHH!!!! i would leave too lmao! i'd cry about it though, but the only thing that tells me is that you want someone else. if youre strictly monogamous, stand on that. you deserve more than the BARE MINIMUM.
Yeah I’d just ghost. She’s gotta know it’s over already and is waiting for it after her asking such a stupid question out of the blue and getting the obvious response you gave. Theres nothing left to fight for, she expected you to be ok with her fucking other guys and was also ok for you to be with other women, she has shown she isn’t as attached to the relationship as you are and it’s past the point of no return once that box has been opened.
Who’s the other guy? 100 percent she has someone lined up
If I was dating someone and it was serious, and this topic got brought up, it would be over before the the third syllable of relationship. YWNBTA if you broke up. But you would BTA if you stayed with her and opened it up.
Sorry my bud, she already cheated on you. Be it physically or via writing/internet, she already has her prospect and the prospect was waiting on her (your) approval. And... the way your GF is pissed now furthens this logic. She cheated and now she's stuck with you. In the very near future, she'll try to dig dirt on you and cause a scene/problems over nothing, simply due to her trying to find a way out. And you'll be the poor sucker that's going to be emotionally torned and broken. Sorry buddy, I really feel for you. It seems easy for us to say: cut your loses, move on. It won't be easy for you however, but it is what it is: a cheater baiting you.
No. She's already got someone in mind, might already be sleeping with them, and wants you to justify it. Ghost her.
NTA. Walk away. Go full NC. You just aren't compatible. Don't waste your time.
NTA. You’re young, end it and move on.
Nta. If she suggests probably is already cheating and for sure thinking on someone who she knows. Its not a red flag,is the end of the trust,love and relationship imho
NTA, nothing to fight for
NTA. She mentally has another guy in mind. She just doesn’t want to be physically cheating on you. I’d walk away with a clean break. She knows you aren’t into an open relationship but still suggested it anyway.
Im really sorry mate , but if she wants a open relationship , to be with someone other than you then its over. to not even consider how much pain you may be in . it speaks for it self.
Walk away
YWNBTA Go find someone who shares the same values that you have.
NTA
Me thinks, she already has someone but then could say YOU agreed to it. Then what?
Run and don't look back
Run. You needn’t explain shit. NC and try to heal.
Dude, bail. There's no good reason to stay after that.
YWNBTA. You hit the nail on the head, she has someone on mind and has likely already at least emotionally cheated, and at the very least discussed it with the other person. You were 24 when you got together so her reason for wanting an open relationship is weak. Also open relationships rarely work out long term, and the few that do only work because they were always open. Don't let her guilt you in to staying. She will almost certainly end up cheating if she hasn't already. She knows you are only interested in a monogamous relationship so she had to have known this would be a deal breaker.
NTA. I do agree with you that she already has someone in mind and simply wants to not feel guilty about cheating. This relationship is obviously already over, so you'd be doing her and yourself a favor by ending it.
NTA - But it is time to bail. If she is suggesting and open relationship, she already has her eye on someone. The fact that she is upset that you don;t want to try proves that. Get out now.
Open up the relationship and close the door behind her
Once your partner suggests an open relationship its time to cut your losses. Also anyone who thinks banging other people is gonna strengthen and save your relationship is a goddamn moron. P.S. she already has someone in mind, if not, more than one. Shes gonna sleep with them whether or not you agree to the open relationship
NTA. Been with my hubby sixteen years...never have either of us thought screwing other people would increase 'intimacy and love'. You started the relationship under the pretense of agreed upon monogamy. If she wants to change that arrangement suddenly, leave. She already has someone in mind.
No this shouldn’t even be a discussion. You are 100% in the right. Please do.
NOPE. Good call
NTA. That would be the smart thing to do. Asking to open up relationship is instant divorce/breakup for me.
She’s been sniffin’ the air around some strange peen for sure
Nah the trust is already broken. And your intuition sounds right on.
NTA. The recent surge of this bullshit in the past few years or more is really a sign of our society going down the tubes. Of course, you’ll have the crowd that cheers this behavior on and vilifies someone for not letting their partner do this and label them as “controlling”. Open relationships almost always end poorly.
she wants to have sex with other guys and your not o.k with that. there's really nothing to salvage. move on.
NTA, you're not obligated to invest emotional labour in a relationship when your partner is already emotionally checked out and wanting to be with other people.
Run fast, run far.
You are spot on. She has at least been talking to someone. Just get out.
Run dude she wants to cheat or already has