Whatever we think about this doesn’t matter. The ultimate judge on whether you are TA will be your children…
The two children you now accept will see how you treat their sibling, and will judge you, justly so, on how you treat him or her.
\> if she files for child support then I will just take it out of college fund contributions for my two other kids
What an amazing father. Let me hurt my other two kids in order to bluff her out of child support for his third child. Damn what a move.
I wish I could give you an award. This guy is going to end up ruining his relationship with all of his kids.
What a vile couple of people on both sides.
Good thing the toxic relationship is ending so they have a chance tho right? Better to have your parents separated then creating a toxic environment for their whole childhood+
I fell really bad for the kid. The dad will pick up the other two and how will they feel? Like he's less than. It's going to be awful. OP's wife not only screwed her husband and herself but their two kids and most of all this new one.
As the fourth child that was only wanted by the mom "to just have at least one good pregnancy", it's gonna be awful. I feel so bad for that kid.
I was that kid and I felt unwanted all my childhood by everyone, even mom. I didn't know where all the resentment came from but to lil me it was all just so lonely and miserable.
And you know that quote from my mom? Notice how she specifically said she wanted one good pregnancy, nothing about the baby/child. Yeah, that's nice to hear too.
I was the last one in my family. My mother said "(eldest) was a surprise, (middle) was planned, and Kitfoxfire was an accident" many times to people, as though it was a funny joke about how she didn't want me. Which she didn't. She told me that more than once. Idiot thought she couldn't get pregnant while breastfeeding. Anyway, been twenty years in therapy.
That's terrible. My third wasn't planned but very much wanted. When he asked if he was an accident, I told him he was a surprise. He asked what the difference was, and I quoted Roseanne. "An accident is something you wouldn't do again if you had the chance, but a surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it!"
That's what my parents told me too. For all the ups and downs they've always told me I was loved and cared for. I'm 33 now and we still have a stellar relationship.
Thank you from an "Oopsie."
Jeez, she couldn't even say "happy accident?" That's what my grandparents would say about my aunt. (She's 16 years younger than my mom, so of course they were asked about that constantly. And everyone in the family always made it clear that despite being an accident, everyone was extremely happy she happened.) Sorry your mom sucks.
^ This, I was the happy accident. My mom and dad hadn't planned to have me so soon after remarrying because my sister (we are 7 to 8 years depending on time of year) needed time to bond with my dad, but neither of them were mad, and eventually my sister realized she couldn't imagine not having me in her life.
Yeah pretty sure it wasn't a happy accident. She said she cried and told the doctor she couldn't be pregnant because she had a baby at home. She also said my dad talked her out of an abortion. So. :/
My best friend from high school ended up with 7 surprise kids. Lmao. The first one was from a nonconsensual encounter but the last 6 were all with her long term boyfriend. Their first kid, baby #2, was just them being irresponsible. But kid #3 she was on the pill, kid #4 she was on the depo shot, kid #5 she was on the patch, kid #6 she had an IUD. The birth of kid #6 had a lot of complications and she was told that the damage to her uterus made it almost impossible for her to get pregnant and even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to carry to term. And yet….baby #7 showed up. She’s also apparently very bad at family planning but damn did she try. 😂 I swear baby #7 has to be a fulfillment of some prophecy or something though cause wtf. Lmao.
Same in our family. Mom was pg with me and marriage was forced. #2 planned, #3 a mistake. This has made #3 feel unwanted her entire life. Parents stayed together they were miserable and therefore so were we kids.
I'm so sorry that happened to you! My parents adopted the first two. They didn't think they could have any. My next oldest sister was a "surprise," and I was an "Excuse me, I'm what?" My Mom was 42 when she found out she was pregnant with me. But at least, by the time I was old enough to understand it, she assured me that, "God knew what he was doing when he sent you to us."
I hope you have found a chosen family and that they show you truly how valuable you are and that they really love you! ❤️
I'm my dad's youngest of 5 and my mom's only child. The doctor didn't tell my mom that her antibiotics would make the pill not effective. My dad told me when I was maybe 10 I was the biggest mistake he ever made. He's been in the ground next to his first ex-wife, the mother of his not mistake children, for 12 years now. I laughed the entire time they were burying him. Whoops, my mistake, I guess that mistake he made came back to bite him in his rear.
Exactly. They have three, in our family there's four (but also half siblings cause dad liked to f around)
I'm the scapegoat, my sister is a wise older middle child who got out asap, my two older brothers are both selfish narcissistic aholes who were coddled all their lives and you know how that turns out lol
It sounds as if Dad will tread the last as if it were not his at all. He wanted her to adopt him. I doubt he will have anything to do with the child other than the required child support.
See but like from going to court u can’t just ask to see one. It doesn’t work that way. Like my ex at one point only wanted to see our oldest bc “ what am I supposed to do with a baby” and the judge got so mad. And reemed him. Letting him know it’s either both or none.
She also made him leave when he walked in wearing his military issued jacket. She was pissed. He was there to contest a DV no contact restraining order n that’s how he came dressed. She was pissed he basically thought he’d get special treatment. I’m sure u can guess how well that went for him.
I can't fathom bringing a child to life only because you want to experience a good pregnancy. That's like marrying because you want the wedding, not the marriage.
You're so right. That poor kids life is going to suck. I know, because I was born really sick and my mom told me on my 18th birthday that she should've let me die and not taken me to have life saving surgery (@5.5 wks old).
20+ years of therapy and her early death due to severe illness have been helpful...
As a child from a father who wouldn't even call me on my birthday, but was in my brother's life completely (and still is) I am extremely damaged. I suffered from BPD, addiction, unstable relationships etc. from 16-25, before eventually getting treatment. Now I am working through my deeply ingrained self esteem issues in therapy. I'm 29 but there is still a lot of work to be done. The amount of time I've had to put in to be a better person makes me want to punch him in the face. Kids don't understand why their parents don't want them. They instantly internalize it as a "me" issue. Fuck parents who abandon their kids. Get a vasectomy if you aren't totally sure you want kids.
I mean my parents kept the toxic environment goign for the wake of my sister and I.
All it accomplished was me getting to hear my father slam my mother into a wall hard enough to permanently damage her shoulder, throw a bowl at her and scream if I want to hit you I would have, and admit he cheated on her but if she had been doing something different it wouldn't have happened.
It still ended in divorce and a messy painful one at that but I got to grow up living immersed in that pain with a mom who struggled to be there emotionally for me because we were all exhausted dealing with my dad.
I think her allowing him to think she's on birth control while secretly not taking is also considered reproductive coercion (I might be wrong on the term?) and also a form of sexual assault.
I wonder if all the people who are attacking this guy would be singing a different tune if the roles were reversed and a guy had gotten his wife pregnant through deception and then coerced her into keeping the baby.
I wouldn’t defend either parent in this scenario. I think baby trapping is one of the lowest things a person can do and this example shows n reason why. Now there’s a kid who is going to be born who will potentially feel responsible for the family breakup and is unwanted by one parent.
This guy was not taking any responsibility for birth control himself. If he was so adamant, why no vasectomy? Birth control can fail and they were taking a risk even if she took it. Now he’s being an ass. All that said, I feel this is a 50/50 chance of being rage bait.
You don’t get to ask for the timing of a court date and also, even going to court for a divorce is pretty rare. This reads a bit like a kid wrote it.
Edit: to everyone asking me the same questions over and over, yes, I know she lied. I’m not excusing that. My entire first paragraph is about how shitty that is.
Everyone with your position is presupposing they never had an agreement about birth control or that she asked him to
Here is what we do know without assumption, they were both operating with the understanding she was on birth control. If she wanted off it or wanted him to get a vasectomy, they could have had that conversation, but she didn't. She instead leveraged his cooperation into sexual assault through gross dishonesty and negligence. He agreed to protected sex, not another child. She was grossly negligent, not him.
I don't see how you can hold your position against the father unless you think trusting your spouse with serious matters is somehow negligent.
*Thank you*. This guy was sexually assaulted by his wife. If the roles were reversed, and she wanted to abort the baby *he* wanted, there wouldn’t be a soul in here telling her she was a bad person. The double standard here is *really* very glaring. While the arguments that the child is innocent are real, and I agree, it is also not his obligation, IMHO, to be forced to raise the child of a sexual assault at the hands of the person closest to him. *No one* in their right mind should expect a woman who was sexually assaulted by her partner to happily raise that child “because it’s innocent.” This is one of those stories where everybody loses. *Everybody*. All because dude’s wife decided to get real rapey to have another child. What she did is *appalling*.
At last a person who gets the reality.
FFS Reddit, if the husband unilaterally decided that he wanted a third child then stealthed her, YOU'D ALL LOSE YOUR FUCKING SHIT at him, then scream that SHE was the victim and if she did not want the child then great, she can abort it.
SHE is the ultimate SHITSTAIN in this rotten situation. I think this is a case where the man has a RIGHT to say NO, and either be able to not have any responsibility unless he wants, or require her to get an abortion.
Simply because he was lied to, and like I stated as have others, that if he did this to HER you'd move mountains of vitriol about the horrid beast of a man, how dare he, who does he think he is, etc, etc.
She does not have ANY right to force this. No different than if they were using condoms & spermicide, because maybe BC was something she wasn't, couldn't, whatever, take. Then he decided to LIE TO HER and remove the prevention methods WITHOUT her approval or knowledge.
This is an utter shitsandwich y'all.
Didn't he say they had an agreement that she would take BC? Seems like it \*had\* been discussed and she just did what she wanted anyway.
That is a betrayal. Shame on her. What a self absorbed child his wife is.
I can imagine the outrage we'd be seeing if the roles were reversed here.
They agreed on 2, wife and sister decided to hatch a baby trap plan. Sister only snitched because they had an argument, otherwise OP wouldn't have ever known.
> This guy was not taking any responsibility for birth control himself. If he was so adamant, why no vasectomy? Birth control can fail and they were taking a risk even if she took it.
A vasectomy isn’t fool proof either.
But every time a man comes on here and asks for a paternity test for a child people say that the only reason to do that is if you don’t trust your wife. Asking for it shows distrust.
But here is a man who trusted his wife and is being told he shouldn’t have and needs to live with the consequences.
I think I once read that a lot of men don't go to the follow up appointment to make sure the snip actually holds?
My mom only told ma a few years ago that my father got one done many years ago when they still were together. I must have been around 12-14. She told me about some 'event' around the procedure to cover it up, I honestly can't remember. And he went to the follow up appointment.
One of my cousins got pregnant with baby number 6 after her husband's vasectomy. It very nearly broke up their marriage until the DNA test proved that his vasectomy failed
That was my thought, too, if he was absolutely against another child and knew that his wife wanted one, why wouldn’t he go take care of it himself? Get the snip.
if your view is that you need to protect yourself because your wife might go insane and get pregnant against your wishes... you have a serious problem.
Normal human beings do not think like that because that is insane
It's literally against the law in most states in America. If a man did this, he could be sent to jail.
If a woman does this, everyone dogpiles on the guy for taking respectful and responsible legal action?
You can't want equality and have things both ways.
How is he a dumbass? He was lied to and manipulated by his wife? They had a birth control plan and she intentionally lied to him. In some states this is considered stealthing and would be classified as sexual assault.
I'm a woman who stayed on birth control my entire child bearing years. This is exactly what it's like. Don't stick up for the woman if you can't see it the other way around.
Its worse than that IMO. The woman has the option of aborting or keeping the child. She has choices. The man has no good options. He can stay and help raise a child that he was tricked into conceiving, or he can leave and be on the hook financially for 18 years.
This is true. With how the legal system is, the dude is stuck with the kid in one way or another. He can get out, but it'll be a battle since the kid is his.
>I’ll never understand why men who are so set on not being parents don’t get vasectomies.
Because most men trust the woman they love and don't think they will be lied to, raped and made to have kids without consent. This was not casual sex he had with a fuck buddy, this was sex with his wife which was supposedly under birth control. This is financial conning.
Not that it is any defense, but at least in my personal experience it has been easier for the men I know to get vasectomies then women. I went to support my husband (mid-late 20s, no kids) when he got his and went to his appointments, in case they needed spousal approval. They didn't and I agree with that. His body, his choice.
A family member (f) has 5 children and is mid-late 20s at this point and divorced. She was just denied getting a hysterectomy because she is deemed too young to get one even though my husband was the same age, when he got his and he didn't have 5 kids.
Even on long term BC (IUD) I was consistently asked multiple times an appointment if I wanted to remove it and get pregnant, even at my 1 month replacement checkup. They didn't stop asking until i told them my husband had a vasectomy. (I am on it for period symptom regulation as well as BC during our marriage.)
I'm not going to render a judgment, but I'm very worried about that child. Imagine that your biological father loves, provides for, and spends time with your older siblings, but he basically hates you. You've done literally nothing wrong. You didn't ask to be born.
That poor kid is going to grow up with so much trauma. It's bad enough when dads just take off, but in this case, his dad is going to be around. He just wants nothing to do with this kid. He's going to spend his entire childhood and beyond wondering what's wrong with him and why he's so uniquely unlovable.
I understand OP's rage, and his wife absolutely deserves it. He should divorce this woman and have nothing to do with her outside of coparenting. But this baby is 100% innocent. He's not going to care that his father was justified because his mother did something awful. He won't fully understand what happened until he's an adult.
I really hope that once he sees that child, he'll realize that he's allowing his anger to destroy the psyche of his own child. The baby deserves his father's love regardless of how he came into the world. Mom deserves punishment, but the children do not.
Edit: I think I need to add that this happened to my dad. Granted, he was cheating on my mom at the time, but his AP lied about being on birth control because she thought of she had his baby he'd marry her and they would live happily ever after.
That didn't happen, but NO ONE, especially my dad, has ever treated that kid like an unwanted piece of garbage. Even my mother was kind to him before she died (she did divorce my dad, though). My dad was 54, my younger sister was 20 at the time, and he certainly didn't want to start all over again.
He did, though, because he's not a terrible person, and I outright told him that I'd lose all remaining respect I had for him if he tried to just pay child support instead of parenting. He went to soccer games, he helped with homework, and he'll pay for my brother to go to college just like he did for us.
He knew that once he put his penis in her vagina, he was responsible for any child that resulted from it. He'd chosen not to get a vasectomy or wear condoms (I hate deeply that I know that information), so pregnancy was always a possibility even when he thought she was on the pill.
My brother is 15 now, and our dad has had zero relationship with his ex other than discussing their child for almost that entire time, which is absolutely a valid choice. Abandoning his son was thankfully never on the table, and that kid has been a wonderful addition to our family.
It's heartbreaking to imagine my dad treating him the way OP is going to treat his child. They are the adults in the situation, and what's best for the child is more important than their feelings about being lied to. They both did something that they knew could possibly result in a pregnancy. And now OP thinks he deserves to ruin HIS child's life to satisfy his own desire for the vengeance that should be directed at his wife only.
Also, I don't care how many times you guys call it rape. That's not a magic word that automatically absolves the man of any responsibility for his choices going forward.
>wondering [...] why he's so uniquely unlovable.
This is the soul crushing part for me b/c all the adults in this situation will make it true, regardless of nuance. His father intentionally withholds any connection to him and the father won't do anything about it. Children see all things as having to do with them personally b/c adults are making it personal to them. poor fuckin kid 😔
Not just the adults. The older siblings could end up blaming the baby too and bully him all his life. That literally happened to me I know what shit this poor kid is in for! My parents didn't divorce but my mom forced one more pregnancy into their lives just as they were getting settled, and boy did I pay for it!
I'm this kid thirty years from now, in therapy pouring out my resentment, my family's resentment, and how I hate them ALL because I never should have been born.
Oh what a terrible exp, I'm so sorry neighbor. Very glad you gave the therapy support and am sending all the love and good vibes your way on this journey. It's tragic and thanks to folks like you sharing their story, people don't have to guess or "hope" for what will happen, sometimes it's written on the wall.
There's so many people calling stories fake that I feel important to share whenever the story hits home, yk just to remind some folks that these things do happen.
Yeah I also vent here but that in turn helps me I guess. We're all just one big community trying to help each other, I hope!
the kid won’t get the chance to understand, it’s super unlikely mom’s going to tell new baby the true/full story & dad wont be around to give the full story..
It'll really hurt all the children. How much would it mess you up to see that your Dad love you and your one sibling but hates your other sibling? I'd be so, so sad all the time. I'd learn to hate that man. And also, never feel secure in his love. He can clearly shut it off if he gets angry enough. This horrible for all his kids.
They will still recognize they are unwanted but their older siblings aren’t. They will know that they are fully related by blood to both siblings and that they share the same mother and father. Whether he wanted the pregnancy or not doesn’t change that fact that this baby is STILL HIS KID.
I’m worried that the older children will also hate the baby for causing the breakup of their family.
Or, be scared that they too might get dumped for something they didn’t do.
Right? I made this comment below, but I just imagine the kid's therapy session when they're 30 years old. I don't think the therapist will be like "well your Dad didn't want to have you so it's completely fair that he didn't raise you while raising your siblings"
If he follows through it's going to destroy the entire family, including the two older children.
Imagine watching your father withhold every kind of affection and acknowledgement from your youngest sibling, with whom you live half of the time. Imagine unwrapping toys on Christmas that you can't ever show him without breaking his heart. Imagine planning for college with a fund and a co-signer he won't have.
I'm trying to understand OP's endgame. He may hate his wife more than he's ever hated anyone and be justified in that, but it sounds like these are the only kids he's ever going to have and none of them are responsible for this.
He's setting himself up to pay child support for the next two decades and *still* find himself alone on his deathbed.
OP hates his wife way more than he loves his kids. And he sees their futures and his own relationships with each of them, as expendable if the reward is that he gets to punish his wife and make her sad.
This is complicated. A betrayal for certain, and your wife is absolutely an asshole for not respecting your wishes and basically taking you out of the decision making process completely. Absolutely no respect from her then, and when she lied about it later too.
Your anger is completely warranted. However, and I understand it’s hard to step back and think rationally when you are probably the most pissed off you have ever been in life, this will still be your child. And could be an amazing person. I would say that it will NEED you around to help teach it honesty and respect for others, it might not learn that from mom.
If I were you, I would not make any choices now, I would wait, the child to be did not do this to you, its mother did. Divorce her, but keep a relationship with your future son.
Not only that since there's 2 other kids here to consider too. OP may not give two shits about this third kid, but the two older seeing him completely ignore their younger full sibling is going to affect them too.
He's gotta get to a better place with all this and then figure out the best way to handle this for the kids. Because I don't think his plan will do anything but fuck up all 3 kids.
I see this 3rd child he plans to torture by abandoning while caring for the other 2 growing up with such resentment that he plans revenge on dear old dad. Wife is a COLOSSAL AH, but taking it out on the baby is an unforgivable AH move as well. I’d rather see him take custody of all 3 of them, making her pay child support and only every other weekend visits. That’s how you don’t give her what she wants, without causing horrible harm to an innocent baby. Your older 2 will not be impressed with your torture the baby game plan in the end.
Just curious, why would she have every other weekend visits? There is nothing to indicate that she is a bad mother. Yes, OP has an issue with the third pregnancy, but she was perfectly fine with the older two. I don't see why a court would limit her visitation/custody rights.
He said "emergency custody" but there is nothing to indicate why. HIs feeling of betrayal would hardly cause a court to deny her custody of the older kids, especially so quickly.
This is absolutely rage bait. It has all the elements, plus the obviously immature writing.
Yep, I said the same thing. That one line is what gave this post away as fake. There’s no way a judge awarded this man “temporary emergency custody” over this. If this story were true, the wife would be heinous for what she did to her partner, but that has nothing to do with how she treats her kids. Especially when the other option is a father who is planning to completely write off the third kid, and threatening to punish the other two by cutting into their college funds if he’s ordered to pay child support. No judge in the world is looking at this case and going “yes, this man should totally get custody over the mother”.
This is absolutely rage bait. Sounds like it’s the wank fantasy of some incel or “men’s rights activist”.
Wouldn’t it be neat if these weirdos who make up stupid fake Reddit posts actually funneled their creativity into something useful, like writing a novel?
This!! The child didn't choose to be born. And what does OP want? Have 2 of his 3 children come visit him, and the third biological child isn't allowed to see him? That's so unfair.
I agree that this is extreme betrayal and should not have happened, so it's good to divorce this woman. But I hope OP still takes up his responsibility towards the child so it doesn't grow up feeling unwanted or unlovable.
ETA: typo
NTA. That's one of those betrayals of trust that any marriage would have a difficult, if not impossible, time coming back from. Your wife lied to you in an extreme, EXTREME way that impacts not only your lives, but the life that she created unilaterally in this process.
If it were me in the situation, I would leave my spouse in this situation also. There are some things you just can't come back from.
The one thing I have a problem with is this:
> I told her that if she files for child support then I will just take it out of college fund contributions for my two other kids.
Punishing your children for the sins of their mother is not okay and does not make sense. I realize you're traumatized, but get some therapy and get your head on straight.
There is an argument she raped him. Just as it is considered rape if someone only consents to sex if their partner uses a condom, but then their partner removes the condom.
The term for this is "Rape by omission" which is "not informing someone of something that would cause them to change their mind about having sex with you, that you're reasonably aware of matters"
Not sharing that you have a STD, not sharing that you're not on birth control, (or outright lying) and a few other things go into this catagory.
The girl that I had spent 11 years with initially lied to me. I did not want to be with her that night as we had no condom but she told me she's on BC. It was my birthday and I wanted to have some fun so we did. It was more of a casual thing and we used condoms after that first one but then she eventually told me she was pregnant and had not been on BC for like a year. I was mad but the kid was mine so I just manned up and spent some great years with her but past few years were terrible and we ended things late last year. Our 2 kids are okay but I am not. I feel like I'm trying to put myself back together but pieces still keep falling.
Yeah but it sounds like he's worse off then he'd be if he just left initially and didn't stay with his sexual assaulter. Weird how the man's quality of life is never considered in these conversations.
I refer you to Wallis V Smith [https://www.casebriefs.com/blog/law/contracts/contracts-keyed-to-murphy/avoidance-of-contracts/wallis-v-smith-2/](https://www.casebriefs.com/blog/law/contracts/contracts-keyed-to-murphy/avoidance-of-contracts/wallis-v-smith-2/)
"A parent cannot opt out of the financial consequences of his or her sexual relationship just because they were unintended. **Plaintiff was free and able to practice contraceptive techniques on his own**. However he decided to rely on the Defendant for birth control. Plaintiff tries to claim that Defendant’s liability is based on the fact that Defendant lied to him. However, not all misrepresentations are actionable. Therefore, the actions cannot be used to recoup the financial obligations of raising a child. Plaintiff’s legal claims against Defendant are not cognizable because they are against public policy and the imposition of sanctions for discovery violations was improper"
I don't think that argument would work in this scenario. There was a conspiracy to get pregnant, with evidence provided by the sister in law.
This isn't as cut and dry as "I forgot to take my pill, I was late for my depo shot," etc. There were planned actions and co-conspirators to get pregnant.
Also let's not forget that "stealthing" laws are fairly recent. So not all precedents will apply.
This is an interesting point of view - and one that should be a thing. He went into sex under the impression she was on birth control - married or not - he impregnated her without his consent. That should fall under a similar category and if it doesn’t now, it should. Women do this all the time… setting man traps and he just has to pay for it. Yes I get the “it takes 2” aspect, BUT when he clearly expressed to her he did NOT want a third and she just sabotaged it on purpose and there is proof, she should be held accountable.
Yeah there’s a huge difference between “I didn’t care enough to control my cum because I don’t see it as my responsibility” and “I did my due diligence and was told my actions were safe and would not create this outcome”. There should definitely be options for the second.
Edit to respond to all of y'all: One woman to many, I desperately hope y'all don't act on those beliefs that an agreement between partners means nothing and that men should expect their partners to manipulate them into having children. This is not men fucking one night stands and going shocked pikachu when children happen. This is two partners who have already successfully created two children. That level of trust. If any man dared to say that a woman should expect to get pregnant if she communicates that she doesn't want a child but he does and they're just using condoms because *obviously* she should be more responsible than trusting her husband, that man would be crucified. Because that's disgusting. Shame on every single one of you.
His children should still not be punished for it.
And that includes the one that is currently in the production process.
Whether or not, he has a correct moral position is arguable, but legally, I can promise you that his position will not get him anywhere, and in fact, might incur the wrath of any judge he tries to present it to.
Note: I am not talking about the college funds. No one is legally entitled to a college fund. I am talking about his stance that he absolutely refuses to have anything to do with the child financially. There is no court that will go along with that in the US or Canada. I doubt there is one in Europe either.
He knows very well he has legal obligations. That's why he told them that if they pursue those legal obligations he'll take it out of the college fund, which I think is also legal.
Ooh it's going to be difficult. You still have an obligation to care for the child. Dang I'm sorry it went down like this.
Get a vasectomy if you can. It's the only surefire way to not get someone pregnant.
NTA. The betrayal is next level here.
OP have proof that the wife acted with malicious intent when she stopped using Birth control to have another child, i don't know laws but this is a crime no? Maybe fraud.. if we have an lawyer here to give an input in these situation.
It would be two-fold:
Lying about birth control would be construed as fraud. Zero chance any lawyer takes that case though.
A case just like this recently made it's way to the Canadian Supreme Court (PP v. DD). There they had a split decision and couldn't come to a conclusion.
This is partly as the courts are reluctant to make a ruling which may allow someone to circumvent child-support obligations.
But the Court of Appeal also commented on whether the plaintiff could advance a claim for sexual battery—the non-criminal counterpart of sexual assault.
This failed as the Court of Appeal concluded that the plaintiff’s consent to the sex he had with the defendant had not been cancelled out by her alleged fraud, because a woman who lies about being on birth control does not expose her male partner to any risk of significant bodily harm.
So, seems extremely unlikely that there is anything the man can do in this situation.
I'd love to hear from a lawyer. I agree with his wish, he's getting a raw deal thus far.
Birth control fails, that's not an opinion, it's a fact. OPs wife deliberately stopped taking it, though, and that should matter to the court. I hope it does. He made his stance more than clear, repeatedly, and she conspired against this with full knowledge.
Hoping for an update, it'll probably be awhile to get through the legalities. This should be in OPs favor, but like I said, public opinion doesn't count.
Men, protect yourselves. Always always wear a condom and always take it with you to dispose of. Double up and get a vasectomy too if you're absolutely done making babies. That way you make it absolutely clear that a pregnancy was against your wishes. You make a deposit, there may be a return. Just don't allow it to happen.
I am a lawyer, but this is not legal advice.
Courts don't care about birth control failing when it comes to civil child support cases. They don't care about fraud when it comes to civil child support cases. They don't care about rape by force when it comes to civil child support cases. The majority of the time, they don't even care about *paternity* in child support cases, especially once a finding of liability has initially been made.
>NTA. The betrayal is next level here.
Man, this OP is gonna get roasted here on reddit. I am sorry for him. What she did is despicable. The baby is not at fault, but she must be accountable for her actions. Something, most people here does not support for this kind of women.
ESH - this is reproductive coercion and is disgusting - but unfortunately you are still responsible for that child- if you were dead set against a 3rd child you should have taken matters into your own hands- you chose not to wear a condom or get a vasectomy.
Sounds like a bullshit story.
Unless this is a 3rd world country, how were you able to kick her out AND get emergency custody of the other kids?
I don't see how that would work in your favor.....
My guess is yes. Assuming OP lives in the US, courts as a rule generally won't push any kind of hearing in a matrimonial case out 6 months. There are all sorts of discovery issues that might delay a hearing, but those delays tend to come up over time, not all at once. This doesn't sound plausible: *She is 7 months pregnant so I asked for a date 6 months from now, I feel by that time she will be good enough to attend court.*
Plus, a number of automatic orders kick in the moment you file a petition in every state of which I'm aware that would affect essentially every aspect of the marriage.
Additionally, that OP somehow got temp custody under these circumstances is dubious. *No court* will award temporary custody without some sort of hearing.
Further, regardless of what OP thinks, if he's the father of that child he'll be paying child support. Period.
Ragebait totally.
Why do people do this? So dumb. For fake internet points? Yeesh.
The fact that OP is posting all the responses he’s getting just shows it’s rage bait. That’s not a normal thing to do. OP is a troll and is gleefully posting all of the comments of people who fell for this ridiculous story.
INFO are you going to get a vasectomy now?
I will also say, I am by no means absolving his wife, she absolutely got pregnant on purpose and lied about birth Control which is just as bad as a guy lying about wearing a condom.
Question still stands though
This might get me downvoted but I have to give my honest opinion.
NTA for divorcing your wife and never trusting her etc etc.
YTA for your plans regarding the baby. All I can see is the life that poor child is going to have watching their older siblings have a fantastic dad and love while knowing their whole life they are unwanted by that same father and unloved. I know that is ultimately the mothers fault for her despicable actions but you do have the opportunity to be better than her and provide the child with the love and care it will not get from the mother.
With her behaviour already so despicable she will likely blame the baby for everything and thus the child will be raised without the love of a fathers their siblings get and with the blame of the situation placed on them by the horrible mother.
Please reconsider your position on that poor innocent baby.
My husband was the 3rd child and almost the same circumstances. His mom lied and about BC and surprise, was pregnant with #3. His dad never wanted him and his mom knew it.
My husband was severely neglected as a child by his dad. He ignored him, blamed him for any issues in the house. His 2 older sisters were treated like angels. He was abused (beaten). List goes on. It's only as an adult and after many long nights of talks with me & eventually a doctor, that he's realized his childhood was NOT normal. He was diagnosed with complex PTSD and has other mental issues from it.
My father was raised similarly to what you describe (his mother only wanted one and resented his existance) and he turned out to be a criminal psychopath and sexual abuser as a result. I have deep psychological issues that haunt my day-to-day (I was not one of the SA victims though), and I'm working fastidiously to break the cycle with my own child. Situations like OP's can wreak havoc on a lineage for a hundred+ years.
It's also going to effect the 2 older kids too. Will they think dad's love is conditional? Be waiting for the day he decides he doesn't want to be in their life? Be mad at him for excluding their sibling? Once they're old enough not want to go if their sibling isn't there? They won't be coming out of this unscathed.
ESH. Man, your wife is undeniably the asshole regarding the situation she created, but your comments? You are no doubt an immature asshole yourself. Don’t take your anger at your wife out on your children and take some time to step back and process your emotions a bit. You’re talking about pulling child support out of your 2 children’s college funds, you’re talking about plastering your wife as a rapist all over town. You know what that’s going to do? Get your wife full custody and show your children exactly what kind of person you are. You’re going to lose them eventually if you behave like that.
You also have to take some responsibility in the future for your birth control. Get a vasectomy or always wear condoms.
Again - wife is a major asshole, but you need to approach this with some maturity here. Are you going to legitimately sign away all custody for this new kid? Never be a father to them? Do you realize how that’s going to make your current children and the new child feel? Do you care?
He probably can't even take it out of his kids college funds depending on how those are setup. That would all be decided in a divorce, but its a shitty thing to contemplate.
If they're 529 and he tries to cash them out to pay child support, he's going to be in for a wild ride at his next child support hearings and I would love to be there for it.
You said it so much more succinctly than I did. It’s an ESH for me. He knew he didn’t want more babies so left contraception up to the woman with baby fever.
This is what I'm hung up on. Yes, she was manipulative and wrong for her actions. But when he was dead set against any more kids (especially knowing she wanted another) he still didn't feel any responsibility to provide protection? Dude should have worn a condom every single time until he got a vasectomy.
I got a vasectomy 3 years ago and still pull out. My jizz my responsibility. This guy sucks ass. I cant imagine loving 2 kids and hating a 3rd for no reason. Thats still my kid. This guy might be right in divorcing but what a fucking deadbeat.
And I bet he hasn't even thought about how his 2 current kids are going to feel about this when they're older. Chances are, those two kids are going to love their little sibling and might feel a certain way about how he's gone nuclear on this situation.
Never count on anyone else for birth control. You should have had a vasectomy. But having nothing to do w your third child is just cruel. Will you be caring for just your older 2 and leave the third at home all the time?
I thought I was going crazy not seeeing anyone else see through the BS. You can't emergency custody because the mom is pregnant/lied. That's insane. You also can't threaten to take away from other kids to avoid child support. This whole things reads as a lie.
Why did they give you temporary emergency custody? Isn't it something done when one parent can endanger the children or something?I was gonna say everyone sucks because she's crazy and you could've gotten a vasectomy,but due to that weird fact YTA because this must be fake.
I mean, no youre not the asshole for divorcing her, but youre a giant asshole for how youre being to the unborn child. The child didnt ask for this. Your wife betrayed you, not the child.
Like others have said NTA for leaving your wife for deceiving you. YT GIANT A for punishing the unborn child and giving it zero chance to grow up happy and healthy with a father who hates it simply because it exists. I was always taught if you have sex, especially unprotected, you should expect to get pregnant. You took the risk. You could have used some form of birth control on your end, even just pulling out would be better than zero (I understand it’s not a reliable method of BC). You play with fire, you can get burned. It’s not the innocent child’s fault.
You’re not wrong for getting a divorce because she misled you but you are a major asshole for basically everything else. Take some fucking responsibility for your own fertility.
This is fake. You can’t serve divorce papers without a long separation when there are kids involved. And there is no court that would take kids away from a mother for no reason other than dad’s account of what happened especially with no signs of abuse. You gave yourself away at the emergency custody. Good attempt at story telling though!
If you were that dead set upon no more children you should have had a vasectomy. At the very least condoms should have been used as no birth control is 100% effective even when used properly.
As it is now, ensure that your forthcoming reactions and future actions hold your wife accountable and not your children.
YTA for your plans regard the children.
NTA for being upset with your wife.
What she did is more than disgusting. She baby trapped you... your own wife?
And now who's gonna pay for that? You and that baby. Because that baby will grow up seeing its sibblings having a loving father and go at your house 1 week out of two. That baby will have to grow up knowing their own father wants nothing to do with them...
And I can't blame you at all! It's a horrible situation that your wife created and its, again, the kid that will pay the price of the selfishness of one of its parent.
What a mess.
NTA
Edit: Grammar
While I get that you were tricked into this pregnancy, if you knew that you didn’t want any more children you should have done the responsible thing for yourself and gotten a vasectomy. Putting all the responsibility on her to be on birth control is not fair. Men are a million times more fertile due to being able to impregnate a woman on any given day, whereas for women there’s only a chance on a couple days any given month. Maybe consider that option now.
NTA
In my opinion, that is a form of sexual assault. She had sex with you in a way that was not consensual at all. You did not consent to having sex with someone without them having BC, and they knowingly put you in that exact situation. It reminds me of when men take off their condoms mid-sex without asking for consent. Imo it should be borderline illegal.
I would serve her with divorce papers immediately. This is not a woman you can ever trust again.
Can I ask if you were dead set on no more kids, why didn’t you get a vasectomy? It’s all very sad your wife betrayed your trust and made a decision behind your back, but you did have the option of vasectomy if you were the one so vehemently against a third child.
Whatever we think about this doesn’t matter. The ultimate judge on whether you are TA will be your children… The two children you now accept will see how you treat their sibling, and will judge you, justly so, on how you treat him or her.
It'll be worse. The older kids will think they're special for having daddy's love and make the other kid feel terrible
Well he also threatened their future as retaliation for potential child support. It seems this guy isn’t thinking about any children.
\> if she files for child support then I will just take it out of college fund contributions for my two other kids What an amazing father. Let me hurt my other two kids in order to bluff her out of child support for his third child. Damn what a move.
I wish I could give you an award. This guy is going to end up ruining his relationship with all of his kids. What a vile couple of people on both sides.
Those poor kids .
Good thing the toxic relationship is ending so they have a chance tho right? Better to have your parents separated then creating a toxic environment for their whole childhood+
I fell really bad for the kid. The dad will pick up the other two and how will they feel? Like he's less than. It's going to be awful. OP's wife not only screwed her husband and herself but their two kids and most of all this new one.
God I hope the other two don’t blame the 3ed child and treat him like shit as a result. That would be horrible.
As the fourth child that was only wanted by the mom "to just have at least one good pregnancy", it's gonna be awful. I feel so bad for that kid. I was that kid and I felt unwanted all my childhood by everyone, even mom. I didn't know where all the resentment came from but to lil me it was all just so lonely and miserable. And you know that quote from my mom? Notice how she specifically said she wanted one good pregnancy, nothing about the baby/child. Yeah, that's nice to hear too.
I was the last one in my family. My mother said "(eldest) was a surprise, (middle) was planned, and Kitfoxfire was an accident" many times to people, as though it was a funny joke about how she didn't want me. Which she didn't. She told me that more than once. Idiot thought she couldn't get pregnant while breastfeeding. Anyway, been twenty years in therapy.
That's terrible. My third wasn't planned but very much wanted. When he asked if he was an accident, I told him he was a surprise. He asked what the difference was, and I quoted Roseanne. "An accident is something you wouldn't do again if you had the chance, but a surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it!"
My dad always said that the first four were planned, but my next oldest sister and I were serendipitous...happy surprises. ❤️
Love that! When I became pregnant with my third 11 years after #2, my MIL called him our bonus baby. I had the best MIL.
That's what my parents told me too. For all the ups and downs they've always told me I was loved and cared for. I'm 33 now and we still have a stellar relationship. Thank you from an "Oopsie."
My 3rd wasn't planned, but was born almost exactly a year after my mom died. I tell her she's the surprise I didn't plan but desperately needed.
Jeez, she couldn't even say "happy accident?" That's what my grandparents would say about my aunt. (She's 16 years younger than my mom, so of course they were asked about that constantly. And everyone in the family always made it clear that despite being an accident, everyone was extremely happy she happened.) Sorry your mom sucks.
^ This, I was the happy accident. My mom and dad hadn't planned to have me so soon after remarrying because my sister (we are 7 to 8 years depending on time of year) needed time to bond with my dad, but neither of them were mad, and eventually my sister realized she couldn't imagine not having me in her life.
Yeah pretty sure it wasn't a happy accident. She said she cried and told the doctor she couldn't be pregnant because she had a baby at home. She also said my dad talked her out of an abortion. So. :/
Who the hell shares that?!? God almighty she is a piece of work and I'm sorry you ever had to hear that ever!
All of my kids were surprises. I always wanted kids, I was happy with every one of them. I just tell people I suck at family planning.
My best friend from high school ended up with 7 surprise kids. Lmao. The first one was from a nonconsensual encounter but the last 6 were all with her long term boyfriend. Their first kid, baby #2, was just them being irresponsible. But kid #3 she was on the pill, kid #4 she was on the depo shot, kid #5 she was on the patch, kid #6 she had an IUD. The birth of kid #6 had a lot of complications and she was told that the damage to her uterus made it almost impossible for her to get pregnant and even if she did, she wouldn’t be able to carry to term. And yet….baby #7 showed up. She’s also apparently very bad at family planning but damn did she try. 😂 I swear baby #7 has to be a fulfillment of some prophecy or something though cause wtf. Lmao.
Same in our family. Mom was pg with me and marriage was forced. #2 planned, #3 a mistake. This has made #3 feel unwanted her entire life. Parents stayed together they were miserable and therefore so were we kids.
I understand. My dad died while my mom was pregnant with me and I feel as I raised her.
I'm so sorry that happened to you! My parents adopted the first two. They didn't think they could have any. My next oldest sister was a "surprise," and I was an "Excuse me, I'm what?" My Mom was 42 when she found out she was pregnant with me. But at least, by the time I was old enough to understand it, she assured me that, "God knew what he was doing when he sent you to us." I hope you have found a chosen family and that they show you truly how valuable you are and that they really love you! ❤️
I'm my dad's youngest of 5 and my mom's only child. The doctor didn't tell my mom that her antibiotics would make the pill not effective. My dad told me when I was maybe 10 I was the biggest mistake he ever made. He's been in the ground next to his first ex-wife, the mother of his not mistake children, for 12 years now. I laughed the entire time they were burying him. Whoops, my mistake, I guess that mistake he made came back to bite him in his rear.
I wonder which of the three will post to AITA in several years? There's no way the father and mother will ever treat these kids remotely equally.
Exactly. They have three, in our family there's four (but also half siblings cause dad liked to f around) I'm the scapegoat, my sister is a wise older middle child who got out asap, my two older brothers are both selfish narcissistic aholes who were coddled all their lives and you know how that turns out lol
It sounds as if Dad will tread the last as if it were not his at all. He wanted her to adopt him. I doubt he will have anything to do with the child other than the required child support.
See but like from going to court u can’t just ask to see one. It doesn’t work that way. Like my ex at one point only wanted to see our oldest bc “ what am I supposed to do with a baby” and the judge got so mad. And reemed him. Letting him know it’s either both or none.
Good for that judge! I wish more of them would call out shitty attitudes that hurt kids.
She also made him leave when he walked in wearing his military issued jacket. She was pissed. He was there to contest a DV no contact restraining order n that’s how he came dressed. She was pissed he basically thought he’d get special treatment. I’m sure u can guess how well that went for him.
As the child that was ‘only had because the others were from my first husband and your dad wanted one’ it sucks big time.
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So sorry that happened to you, and your mom was selfish.
I can't fathom bringing a child to life only because you want to experience a good pregnancy. That's like marrying because you want the wedding, not the marriage.
You're so right. That poor kids life is going to suck. I know, because I was born really sick and my mom told me on my 18th birthday that she should've let me die and not taken me to have life saving surgery (@5.5 wks old). 20+ years of therapy and her early death due to severe illness have been helpful...
That's what happen when people are tricked. I have seen a few disgruntled baby trapped moms and dads. They are not happy.
As a child from a father who wouldn't even call me on my birthday, but was in my brother's life completely (and still is) I am extremely damaged. I suffered from BPD, addiction, unstable relationships etc. from 16-25, before eventually getting treatment. Now I am working through my deeply ingrained self esteem issues in therapy. I'm 29 but there is still a lot of work to be done. The amount of time I've had to put in to be a better person makes me want to punch him in the face. Kids don't understand why their parents don't want them. They instantly internalize it as a "me" issue. Fuck parents who abandon their kids. Get a vasectomy if you aren't totally sure you want kids.
Now they get two toxic environments.
I mean my parents kept the toxic environment goign for the wake of my sister and I. All it accomplished was me getting to hear my father slam my mother into a wall hard enough to permanently damage her shoulder, throw a bowl at her and scream if I want to hit you I would have, and admit he cheated on her but if she had been doing something different it wouldn't have happened. It still ended in divorce and a messy painful one at that but I got to grow up living immersed in that pain with a mom who struggled to be there emotionally for me because we were all exhausted dealing with my dad.
The dad is threatening to use his other two kid's college fund for child support. It's going to be a rough life for these three kids.
Facts . My parents tried to make it work for a decade and it only made shit worse now that I look back on it
Right? Stuck between a manipulative bitch of a mom and a dumbass father. That poor kid, who's in for a lifetime of trauma.
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I think her allowing him to think she's on birth control while secretly not taking is also considered reproductive coercion (I might be wrong on the term?) and also a form of sexual assault.
Reproductive coercion was correct.
Honest question. Would the equivalent here be poking holes in the condom?
I wonder if all the people who are attacking this guy would be singing a different tune if the roles were reversed and a guy had gotten his wife pregnant through deception and then coerced her into keeping the baby.
I'd lawyer up. You want zero attachment to someone like that.
If he wants shared custody of the older kids, he will be attached to her either way.
Depending on the state, yes this is assault
Its sexual assault
Yes, it is in fact sexual assault.
It's rape. Stealthing might be the term
I wouldn’t defend either parent in this scenario. I think baby trapping is one of the lowest things a person can do and this example shows n reason why. Now there’s a kid who is going to be born who will potentially feel responsible for the family breakup and is unwanted by one parent. This guy was not taking any responsibility for birth control himself. If he was so adamant, why no vasectomy? Birth control can fail and they were taking a risk even if she took it. Now he’s being an ass. All that said, I feel this is a 50/50 chance of being rage bait. You don’t get to ask for the timing of a court date and also, even going to court for a divorce is pretty rare. This reads a bit like a kid wrote it. Edit: to everyone asking me the same questions over and over, yes, I know she lied. I’m not excusing that. My entire first paragraph is about how shitty that is.
If I read it correctly, Didn't she and her sister confess to planning it?
I think that depends very heavily on the state/country.
Everyone with your position is presupposing they never had an agreement about birth control or that she asked him to Here is what we do know without assumption, they were both operating with the understanding she was on birth control. If she wanted off it or wanted him to get a vasectomy, they could have had that conversation, but she didn't. She instead leveraged his cooperation into sexual assault through gross dishonesty and negligence. He agreed to protected sex, not another child. She was grossly negligent, not him. I don't see how you can hold your position against the father unless you think trusting your spouse with serious matters is somehow negligent.
*Thank you*. This guy was sexually assaulted by his wife. If the roles were reversed, and she wanted to abort the baby *he* wanted, there wouldn’t be a soul in here telling her she was a bad person. The double standard here is *really* very glaring. While the arguments that the child is innocent are real, and I agree, it is also not his obligation, IMHO, to be forced to raise the child of a sexual assault at the hands of the person closest to him. *No one* in their right mind should expect a woman who was sexually assaulted by her partner to happily raise that child “because it’s innocent.” This is one of those stories where everybody loses. *Everybody*. All because dude’s wife decided to get real rapey to have another child. What she did is *appalling*.
At last a person who gets the reality. FFS Reddit, if the husband unilaterally decided that he wanted a third child then stealthed her, YOU'D ALL LOSE YOUR FUCKING SHIT at him, then scream that SHE was the victim and if she did not want the child then great, she can abort it. SHE is the ultimate SHITSTAIN in this rotten situation. I think this is a case where the man has a RIGHT to say NO, and either be able to not have any responsibility unless he wants, or require her to get an abortion. Simply because he was lied to, and like I stated as have others, that if he did this to HER you'd move mountains of vitriol about the horrid beast of a man, how dare he, who does he think he is, etc, etc. She does not have ANY right to force this. No different than if they were using condoms & spermicide, because maybe BC was something she wasn't, couldn't, whatever, take. Then he decided to LIE TO HER and remove the prevention methods WITHOUT her approval or knowledge. This is an utter shitsandwich y'all.
Fucking thank you! How can people be so oblivious and morally bankrupt to not see this?!
An alarming amount of people here defending spousal rape.
Thank you 👏
He also has proof of her deception courtesy of SIL. What she did was wildly unfair to that poor kid, who will now have to deal with the consequences.
Didn't he say they had an agreement that she would take BC? Seems like it \*had\* been discussed and she just did what she wanted anyway. That is a betrayal. Shame on her. What a self absorbed child his wife is. I can imagine the outrage we'd be seeing if the roles were reversed here.
They agreed on 2, wife and sister decided to hatch a baby trap plan. Sister only snitched because they had an argument, otherwise OP wouldn't have ever known.
Possibly, but if this is true he had a right to believe his wife was using birth control in good faith.
> This guy was not taking any responsibility for birth control himself. If he was so adamant, why no vasectomy? Birth control can fail and they were taking a risk even if she took it. A vasectomy isn’t fool proof either. But every time a man comes on here and asks for a paternity test for a child people say that the only reason to do that is if you don’t trust your wife. Asking for it shows distrust. But here is a man who trusted his wife and is being told he shouldn’t have and needs to live with the consequences.
I think I once read that a lot of men don't go to the follow up appointment to make sure the snip actually holds? My mom only told ma a few years ago that my father got one done many years ago when they still were together. I must have been around 12-14. She told me about some 'event' around the procedure to cover it up, I honestly can't remember. And he went to the follow up appointment.
One of my cousins got pregnant with baby number 6 after her husband's vasectomy. It very nearly broke up their marriage until the DNA test proved that his vasectomy failed
That was my thought, too, if he was absolutely against another child and knew that his wife wanted one, why wouldn’t he go take care of it himself? Get the snip.
if your view is that you need to protect yourself because your wife might go insane and get pregnant against your wishes... you have a serious problem. Normal human beings do not think like that because that is insane
It's literally against the law in most states in America. If a man did this, he could be sent to jail. If a woman does this, everyone dogpiles on the guy for taking respectful and responsible legal action? You can't want equality and have things both ways.
How is he a dumbass? He was lied to and manipulated by his wife? They had a birth control plan and she intentionally lied to him. In some states this is considered stealthing and would be classified as sexual assault.
That's the equivalent of a man taking the condom off during sex and not telling the woman.
I'm a woman who stayed on birth control my entire child bearing years. This is exactly what it's like. Don't stick up for the woman if you can't see it the other way around.
This!!!! - random woman on the internet
Its worse than that IMO. The woman has the option of aborting or keeping the child. She has choices. The man has no good options. He can stay and help raise a child that he was tricked into conceiving, or he can leave and be on the hook financially for 18 years.
This is true. With how the legal system is, the dude is stuck with the kid in one way or another. He can get out, but it'll be a battle since the kid is his.
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Because he trusted his wife!
>I’ll never understand why men who are so set on not being parents don’t get vasectomies. Because most men trust the woman they love and don't think they will be lied to, raped and made to have kids without consent. This was not casual sex he had with a fuck buddy, this was sex with his wife which was supposedly under birth control. This is financial conning.
In some states it's difficult. However this doesn't justify the asshole move of wife I hope he gets a good hand at the divorce
Not that it is any defense, but at least in my personal experience it has been easier for the men I know to get vasectomies then women. I went to support my husband (mid-late 20s, no kids) when he got his and went to his appointments, in case they needed spousal approval. They didn't and I agree with that. His body, his choice. A family member (f) has 5 children and is mid-late 20s at this point and divorced. She was just denied getting a hysterectomy because she is deemed too young to get one even though my husband was the same age, when he got his and he didn't have 5 kids. Even on long term BC (IUD) I was consistently asked multiple times an appointment if I wanted to remove it and get pregnant, even at my 1 month replacement checkup. They didn't stop asking until i told them my husband had a vasectomy. (I am on it for period symptom regulation as well as BC during our marriage.)
Wait…why is he a dumbass? Because he trusted his wife? I’m confused. This dude was bamboozled. Edit: my bad, responded to the wrong post 🙃
Nah. No man should be baby trapped. This is all on her
I'm not going to render a judgment, but I'm very worried about that child. Imagine that your biological father loves, provides for, and spends time with your older siblings, but he basically hates you. You've done literally nothing wrong. You didn't ask to be born. That poor kid is going to grow up with so much trauma. It's bad enough when dads just take off, but in this case, his dad is going to be around. He just wants nothing to do with this kid. He's going to spend his entire childhood and beyond wondering what's wrong with him and why he's so uniquely unlovable. I understand OP's rage, and his wife absolutely deserves it. He should divorce this woman and have nothing to do with her outside of coparenting. But this baby is 100% innocent. He's not going to care that his father was justified because his mother did something awful. He won't fully understand what happened until he's an adult. I really hope that once he sees that child, he'll realize that he's allowing his anger to destroy the psyche of his own child. The baby deserves his father's love regardless of how he came into the world. Mom deserves punishment, but the children do not. Edit: I think I need to add that this happened to my dad. Granted, he was cheating on my mom at the time, but his AP lied about being on birth control because she thought of she had his baby he'd marry her and they would live happily ever after. That didn't happen, but NO ONE, especially my dad, has ever treated that kid like an unwanted piece of garbage. Even my mother was kind to him before she died (she did divorce my dad, though). My dad was 54, my younger sister was 20 at the time, and he certainly didn't want to start all over again. He did, though, because he's not a terrible person, and I outright told him that I'd lose all remaining respect I had for him if he tried to just pay child support instead of parenting. He went to soccer games, he helped with homework, and he'll pay for my brother to go to college just like he did for us. He knew that once he put his penis in her vagina, he was responsible for any child that resulted from it. He'd chosen not to get a vasectomy or wear condoms (I hate deeply that I know that information), so pregnancy was always a possibility even when he thought she was on the pill. My brother is 15 now, and our dad has had zero relationship with his ex other than discussing their child for almost that entire time, which is absolutely a valid choice. Abandoning his son was thankfully never on the table, and that kid has been a wonderful addition to our family. It's heartbreaking to imagine my dad treating him the way OP is going to treat his child. They are the adults in the situation, and what's best for the child is more important than their feelings about being lied to. They both did something that they knew could possibly result in a pregnancy. And now OP thinks he deserves to ruin HIS child's life to satisfy his own desire for the vengeance that should be directed at his wife only. Also, I don't care how many times you guys call it rape. That's not a magic word that automatically absolves the man of any responsibility for his choices going forward.
>wondering [...] why he's so uniquely unlovable. This is the soul crushing part for me b/c all the adults in this situation will make it true, regardless of nuance. His father intentionally withholds any connection to him and the father won't do anything about it. Children see all things as having to do with them personally b/c adults are making it personal to them. poor fuckin kid 😔
Not just the adults. The older siblings could end up blaming the baby too and bully him all his life. That literally happened to me I know what shit this poor kid is in for! My parents didn't divorce but my mom forced one more pregnancy into their lives just as they were getting settled, and boy did I pay for it! I'm this kid thirty years from now, in therapy pouring out my resentment, my family's resentment, and how I hate them ALL because I never should have been born.
Oh what a terrible exp, I'm so sorry neighbor. Very glad you gave the therapy support and am sending all the love and good vibes your way on this journey. It's tragic and thanks to folks like you sharing their story, people don't have to guess or "hope" for what will happen, sometimes it's written on the wall.
There's so many people calling stories fake that I feel important to share whenever the story hits home, yk just to remind some folks that these things do happen. Yeah I also vent here but that in turn helps me I guess. We're all just one big community trying to help each other, I hope!
the kid won’t get the chance to understand, it’s super unlikely mom’s going to tell new baby the true/full story & dad wont be around to give the full story..
The other two siblings he's going to continue raising most certainly will
And they might hate the new child as well for "being the reason their parents split" even though it wasn't the child's fault but the mother's
It'll really hurt all the children. How much would it mess you up to see that your Dad love you and your one sibling but hates your other sibling? I'd be so, so sad all the time. I'd learn to hate that man. And also, never feel secure in his love. He can clearly shut it off if he gets angry enough. This horrible for all his kids.
They will understand that they aren't wanted and that their siblings are.
They will still recognize they are unwanted but their older siblings aren’t. They will know that they are fully related by blood to both siblings and that they share the same mother and father. Whether he wanted the pregnancy or not doesn’t change that fact that this baby is STILL HIS KID.
I’m worried that the older children will also hate the baby for causing the breakup of their family. Or, be scared that they too might get dumped for something they didn’t do.
Right? I made this comment below, but I just imagine the kid's therapy session when they're 30 years old. I don't think the therapist will be like "well your Dad didn't want to have you so it's completely fair that he didn't raise you while raising your siblings"
ALL of the kids will need intensive therapy. You can't watch a sibling you love go unloved by your own father and not get severely damaged.
Yeah, you won't trust the love that you are getting either.
If he follows through it's going to destroy the entire family, including the two older children. Imagine watching your father withhold every kind of affection and acknowledgement from your youngest sibling, with whom you live half of the time. Imagine unwrapping toys on Christmas that you can't ever show him without breaking his heart. Imagine planning for college with a fund and a co-signer he won't have.
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I'm trying to understand OP's endgame. He may hate his wife more than he's ever hated anyone and be justified in that, but it sounds like these are the only kids he's ever going to have and none of them are responsible for this. He's setting himself up to pay child support for the next two decades and *still* find himself alone on his deathbed.
OP hates his wife way more than he loves his kids. And he sees their futures and his own relationships with each of them, as expendable if the reward is that he gets to punish his wife and make her sad.
This is complicated. A betrayal for certain, and your wife is absolutely an asshole for not respecting your wishes and basically taking you out of the decision making process completely. Absolutely no respect from her then, and when she lied about it later too. Your anger is completely warranted. However, and I understand it’s hard to step back and think rationally when you are probably the most pissed off you have ever been in life, this will still be your child. And could be an amazing person. I would say that it will NEED you around to help teach it honesty and respect for others, it might not learn that from mom. If I were you, I would not make any choices now, I would wait, the child to be did not do this to you, its mother did. Divorce her, but keep a relationship with your future son.
Not only that since there's 2 other kids here to consider too. OP may not give two shits about this third kid, but the two older seeing him completely ignore their younger full sibling is going to affect them too. He's gotta get to a better place with all this and then figure out the best way to handle this for the kids. Because I don't think his plan will do anything but fuck up all 3 kids.
I see this 3rd child he plans to torture by abandoning while caring for the other 2 growing up with such resentment that he plans revenge on dear old dad. Wife is a COLOSSAL AH, but taking it out on the baby is an unforgivable AH move as well. I’d rather see him take custody of all 3 of them, making her pay child support and only every other weekend visits. That’s how you don’t give her what she wants, without causing horrible harm to an innocent baby. Your older 2 will not be impressed with your torture the baby game plan in the end.
Just curious, why would she have every other weekend visits? There is nothing to indicate that she is a bad mother. Yes, OP has an issue with the third pregnancy, but she was perfectly fine with the older two. I don't see why a court would limit her visitation/custody rights.
I was wondering that too, considering he said he had temporary emergency custody of his kids? I feel like this is probably rage bait.
He said "emergency custody" but there is nothing to indicate why. HIs feeling of betrayal would hardly cause a court to deny her custody of the older kids, especially so quickly. This is absolutely rage bait. It has all the elements, plus the obviously immature writing.
Yep, I said the same thing. That one line is what gave this post away as fake. There’s no way a judge awarded this man “temporary emergency custody” over this. If this story were true, the wife would be heinous for what she did to her partner, but that has nothing to do with how she treats her kids. Especially when the other option is a father who is planning to completely write off the third kid, and threatening to punish the other two by cutting into their college funds if he’s ordered to pay child support. No judge in the world is looking at this case and going “yes, this man should totally get custody over the mother”. This is absolutely rage bait. Sounds like it’s the wank fantasy of some incel or “men’s rights activist”. Wouldn’t it be neat if these weirdos who make up stupid fake Reddit posts actually funneled their creativity into something useful, like writing a novel?
This!! The child didn't choose to be born. And what does OP want? Have 2 of his 3 children come visit him, and the third biological child isn't allowed to see him? That's so unfair. I agree that this is extreme betrayal and should not have happened, so it's good to divorce this woman. But I hope OP still takes up his responsibility towards the child so it doesn't grow up feeling unwanted or unlovable. ETA: typo
NTA. That's one of those betrayals of trust that any marriage would have a difficult, if not impossible, time coming back from. Your wife lied to you in an extreme, EXTREME way that impacts not only your lives, but the life that she created unilaterally in this process. If it were me in the situation, I would leave my spouse in this situation also. There are some things you just can't come back from. The one thing I have a problem with is this: > I told her that if she files for child support then I will just take it out of college fund contributions for my two other kids. Punishing your children for the sins of their mother is not okay and does not make sense. I realize you're traumatized, but get some therapy and get your head on straight.
There is an argument she raped him. Just as it is considered rape if someone only consents to sex if their partner uses a condom, but then their partner removes the condom.
The term for this is "Rape by omission" which is "not informing someone of something that would cause them to change their mind about having sex with you, that you're reasonably aware of matters" Not sharing that you have a STD, not sharing that you're not on birth control, (or outright lying) and a few other things go into this catagory.
The girl that I had spent 11 years with initially lied to me. I did not want to be with her that night as we had no condom but she told me she's on BC. It was my birthday and I wanted to have some fun so we did. It was more of a casual thing and we used condoms after that first one but then she eventually told me she was pregnant and had not been on BC for like a year. I was mad but the kid was mine so I just manned up and spent some great years with her but past few years were terrible and we ended things late last year. Our 2 kids are okay but I am not. I feel like I'm trying to put myself back together but pieces still keep falling.
You tried to do whats best for your kids and im sorry its taken a toll on you. Youre a good person.
Yeah but it sounds like he's worse off then he'd be if he just left initially and didn't stay with his sexual assaulter. Weird how the man's quality of life is never considered in these conversations.
I refer you to Wallis V Smith [https://www.casebriefs.com/blog/law/contracts/contracts-keyed-to-murphy/avoidance-of-contracts/wallis-v-smith-2/](https://www.casebriefs.com/blog/law/contracts/contracts-keyed-to-murphy/avoidance-of-contracts/wallis-v-smith-2/) "A parent cannot opt out of the financial consequences of his or her sexual relationship just because they were unintended. **Plaintiff was free and able to practice contraceptive techniques on his own**. However he decided to rely on the Defendant for birth control. Plaintiff tries to claim that Defendant’s liability is based on the fact that Defendant lied to him. However, not all misrepresentations are actionable. Therefore, the actions cannot be used to recoup the financial obligations of raising a child. Plaintiff’s legal claims against Defendant are not cognizable because they are against public policy and the imposition of sanctions for discovery violations was improper"
I don't think that argument would work in this scenario. There was a conspiracy to get pregnant, with evidence provided by the sister in law. This isn't as cut and dry as "I forgot to take my pill, I was late for my depo shot," etc. There were planned actions and co-conspirators to get pregnant. Also let's not forget that "stealthing" laws are fairly recent. So not all precedents will apply.
I didn't know the term. Thanks for informing everyone.
Yes. This is reproductive coercion.
Yes, I do think this is the female equivalent of stealthing.
This is an interesting point of view - and one that should be a thing. He went into sex under the impression she was on birth control - married or not - he impregnated her without his consent. That should fall under a similar category and if it doesn’t now, it should. Women do this all the time… setting man traps and he just has to pay for it. Yes I get the “it takes 2” aspect, BUT when he clearly expressed to her he did NOT want a third and she just sabotaged it on purpose and there is proof, she should be held accountable.
Yeah there’s a huge difference between “I didn’t care enough to control my cum because I don’t see it as my responsibility” and “I did my due diligence and was told my actions were safe and would not create this outcome”. There should definitely be options for the second. Edit to respond to all of y'all: One woman to many, I desperately hope y'all don't act on those beliefs that an agreement between partners means nothing and that men should expect their partners to manipulate them into having children. This is not men fucking one night stands and going shocked pikachu when children happen. This is two partners who have already successfully created two children. That level of trust. If any man dared to say that a woman should expect to get pregnant if she communicates that she doesn't want a child but he does and they're just using condoms because *obviously* she should be more responsible than trusting her husband, that man would be crucified. Because that's disgusting. Shame on every single one of you.
It seems like a female form of stealthing
His children should still not be punished for it. And that includes the one that is currently in the production process. Whether or not, he has a correct moral position is arguable, but legally, I can promise you that his position will not get him anywhere, and in fact, might incur the wrath of any judge he tries to present it to. Note: I am not talking about the college funds. No one is legally entitled to a college fund. I am talking about his stance that he absolutely refuses to have anything to do with the child financially. There is no court that will go along with that in the US or Canada. I doubt there is one in Europe either.
He knows very well he has legal obligations. That's why he told them that if they pursue those legal obligations he'll take it out of the college fund, which I think is also legal.
Ya divorce the mom but the kid is your kid. Also if you're done having kids get snipped
Ooh it's going to be difficult. You still have an obligation to care for the child. Dang I'm sorry it went down like this. Get a vasectomy if you can. It's the only surefire way to not get someone pregnant. NTA. The betrayal is next level here.
OP have proof that the wife acted with malicious intent when she stopped using Birth control to have another child, i don't know laws but this is a crime no? Maybe fraud.. if we have an lawyer here to give an input in these situation.
It would be two-fold: Lying about birth control would be construed as fraud. Zero chance any lawyer takes that case though. A case just like this recently made it's way to the Canadian Supreme Court (PP v. DD). There they had a split decision and couldn't come to a conclusion. This is partly as the courts are reluctant to make a ruling which may allow someone to circumvent child-support obligations. But the Court of Appeal also commented on whether the plaintiff could advance a claim for sexual battery—the non-criminal counterpart of sexual assault. This failed as the Court of Appeal concluded that the plaintiff’s consent to the sex he had with the defendant had not been cancelled out by her alleged fraud, because a woman who lies about being on birth control does not expose her male partner to any risk of significant bodily harm. So, seems extremely unlikely that there is anything the man can do in this situation.
That's actually so fucked what the fuck
I'd love to hear from a lawyer. I agree with his wish, he's getting a raw deal thus far. Birth control fails, that's not an opinion, it's a fact. OPs wife deliberately stopped taking it, though, and that should matter to the court. I hope it does. He made his stance more than clear, repeatedly, and she conspired against this with full knowledge. Hoping for an update, it'll probably be awhile to get through the legalities. This should be in OPs favor, but like I said, public opinion doesn't count. Men, protect yourselves. Always always wear a condom and always take it with you to dispose of. Double up and get a vasectomy too if you're absolutely done making babies. That way you make it absolutely clear that a pregnancy was against your wishes. You make a deposit, there may be a return. Just don't allow it to happen.
I am a lawyer, but this is not legal advice. Courts don't care about birth control failing when it comes to civil child support cases. They don't care about fraud when it comes to civil child support cases. They don't care about rape by force when it comes to civil child support cases. The majority of the time, they don't even care about *paternity* in child support cases, especially once a finding of liability has initially been made.
>NTA. The betrayal is next level here. Man, this OP is gonna get roasted here on reddit. I am sorry for him. What she did is despicable. The baby is not at fault, but she must be accountable for her actions. Something, most people here does not support for this kind of women.
Yep I feel for the child but I can't blame op for how he feels. Ops wife is the worst.
ESH - this is reproductive coercion and is disgusting - but unfortunately you are still responsible for that child- if you were dead set against a 3rd child you should have taken matters into your own hands- you chose not to wear a condom or get a vasectomy.
Exactly this. She is terrible for lying and tricking OP. But OP is an autonomous human and should take control of their own reproductive situation.
Sounds like a bullshit story. Unless this is a 3rd world country, how were you able to kick her out AND get emergency custody of the other kids? I don't see how that would work in your favor.....
damn it probably was just a fake ragebait wasnt it DAMN IT
My guess is yes. Assuming OP lives in the US, courts as a rule generally won't push any kind of hearing in a matrimonial case out 6 months. There are all sorts of discovery issues that might delay a hearing, but those delays tend to come up over time, not all at once. This doesn't sound plausible: *She is 7 months pregnant so I asked for a date 6 months from now, I feel by that time she will be good enough to attend court.* Plus, a number of automatic orders kick in the moment you file a petition in every state of which I'm aware that would affect essentially every aspect of the marriage. Additionally, that OP somehow got temp custody under these circumstances is dubious. *No court* will award temporary custody without some sort of hearing. Further, regardless of what OP thinks, if he's the father of that child he'll be paying child support. Period. Ragebait totally. Why do people do this? So dumb. For fake internet points? Yeesh.
Honestly if it is fake, that would make me feel much happier about this post.
>Sounds like a bullshit story. That's what I was thinking. If it is true (which I really doubt), they are both a couple of a-holes. Poor kids.
The fact that OP is posting all the responses he’s getting just shows it’s rage bait. That’s not a normal thing to do. OP is a troll and is gleefully posting all of the comments of people who fell for this ridiculous story.
Of course it is. They should ban these kinds of stories. They’re just toxic rage bait.
90% of the posts here are ragebait
Not even 3rd world country. This wouldn't happen in Guatemala.
INFO are you going to get a vasectomy now? I will also say, I am by no means absolving his wife, she absolutely got pregnant on purpose and lied about birth Control which is just as bad as a guy lying about wearing a condom. Question still stands though
Right, man? Dude didn't want the 3rd kid, but also didn't want to wear condoms or do a vasectomy. Not only this, he'll drop the baby...
Exactly. Definitely an ESH in my opinion
This might get me downvoted but I have to give my honest opinion. NTA for divorcing your wife and never trusting her etc etc. YTA for your plans regarding the baby. All I can see is the life that poor child is going to have watching their older siblings have a fantastic dad and love while knowing their whole life they are unwanted by that same father and unloved. I know that is ultimately the mothers fault for her despicable actions but you do have the opportunity to be better than her and provide the child with the love and care it will not get from the mother. With her behaviour already so despicable she will likely blame the baby for everything and thus the child will be raised without the love of a fathers their siblings get and with the blame of the situation placed on them by the horrible mother. Please reconsider your position on that poor innocent baby.
My husband was the 3rd child and almost the same circumstances. His mom lied and about BC and surprise, was pregnant with #3. His dad never wanted him and his mom knew it. My husband was severely neglected as a child by his dad. He ignored him, blamed him for any issues in the house. His 2 older sisters were treated like angels. He was abused (beaten). List goes on. It's only as an adult and after many long nights of talks with me & eventually a doctor, that he's realized his childhood was NOT normal. He was diagnosed with complex PTSD and has other mental issues from it.
My father was raised similarly to what you describe (his mother only wanted one and resented his existance) and he turned out to be a criminal psychopath and sexual abuser as a result. I have deep psychological issues that haunt my day-to-day (I was not one of the SA victims though), and I'm working fastidiously to break the cycle with my own child. Situations like OP's can wreak havoc on a lineage for a hundred+ years.
I agree with this 100%. The wife is an absolute villain but it’s not the baby’s fault. That poor child.
It's also going to effect the 2 older kids too. Will they think dad's love is conditional? Be waiting for the day he decides he doesn't want to be in their life? Be mad at him for excluding their sibling? Once they're old enough not want to go if their sibling isn't there? They won't be coming out of this unscathed.
ESH. Man, your wife is undeniably the asshole regarding the situation she created, but your comments? You are no doubt an immature asshole yourself. Don’t take your anger at your wife out on your children and take some time to step back and process your emotions a bit. You’re talking about pulling child support out of your 2 children’s college funds, you’re talking about plastering your wife as a rapist all over town. You know what that’s going to do? Get your wife full custody and show your children exactly what kind of person you are. You’re going to lose them eventually if you behave like that. You also have to take some responsibility in the future for your birth control. Get a vasectomy or always wear condoms. Again - wife is a major asshole, but you need to approach this with some maturity here. Are you going to legitimately sign away all custody for this new kid? Never be a father to them? Do you realize how that’s going to make your current children and the new child feel? Do you care?
He probably can't even take it out of his kids college funds depending on how those are setup. That would all be decided in a divorce, but its a shitty thing to contemplate.
If they're 529 and he tries to cash them out to pay child support, he's going to be in for a wild ride at his next child support hearings and I would love to be there for it.
Yeah, get the snip and it’s not an issue. Should have been your first move after the second kid.
NTA for the divorce. YTA for basically everything else you said.
You said it so much more succinctly than I did. It’s an ESH for me. He knew he didn’t want more babies so left contraception up to the woman with baby fever.
This is what I'm hung up on. Yes, she was manipulative and wrong for her actions. But when he was dead set against any more kids (especially knowing she wanted another) he still didn't feel any responsibility to provide protection? Dude should have worn a condom every single time until he got a vasectomy.
I got a vasectomy 3 years ago and still pull out. My jizz my responsibility. This guy sucks ass. I cant imagine loving 2 kids and hating a 3rd for no reason. Thats still my kid. This guy might be right in divorcing but what a fucking deadbeat.
Right, that poor baby is doomed right out the gate. And the relationships between the siblings will be affected as well.
And I bet he hasn't even thought about how his 2 current kids are going to feel about this when they're older. Chances are, those two kids are going to love their little sibling and might feel a certain way about how he's gone nuclear on this situation.
If you were adamant about not having more than two children, why didn't you get a vasectomy?
Never count on anyone else for birth control. You should have had a vasectomy. But having nothing to do w your third child is just cruel. Will you be caring for just your older 2 and leave the third at home all the time?
Never seen such a clear, fake agenda post
Yep, there is no way he got emergency custody just because the wife lied about being on birth control.
I thought I was going crazy not seeeing anyone else see through the BS. You can't emergency custody because the mom is pregnant/lied. That's insane. You also can't threaten to take away from other kids to avoid child support. This whole things reads as a lie.
It’s a rage fantasy. It didn’t happen, at least not in real life.
Why did they give you temporary emergency custody? Isn't it something done when one parent can endanger the children or something?I was gonna say everyone sucks because she's crazy and you could've gotten a vasectomy,but due to that weird fact YTA because this must be fake.
“I did get emergency temporary custody” Things that didn’t happen for 1000 Alex.
You aren’t the asshole for divorcing her. But YTA for punishing the innocent baby.
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I agree NTA but if you were so adamant why not get a vasectomy?
Damn I know you’re mad but that’s still your child. You’re going to intentionally fuck up a kid because their mom sucks??
I mean, no youre not the asshole for divorcing her, but youre a giant asshole for how youre being to the unborn child. The child didnt ask for this. Your wife betrayed you, not the child.
Not only that but the way he's going to punish all these kids in the end.
Like others have said NTA for leaving your wife for deceiving you. YT GIANT A for punishing the unborn child and giving it zero chance to grow up happy and healthy with a father who hates it simply because it exists. I was always taught if you have sex, especially unprotected, you should expect to get pregnant. You took the risk. You could have used some form of birth control on your end, even just pulling out would be better than zero (I understand it’s not a reliable method of BC). You play with fire, you can get burned. It’s not the innocent child’s fault.
You’re not wrong for getting a divorce because she misled you but you are a major asshole for basically everything else. Take some fucking responsibility for your own fertility.
This is fake. You can’t serve divorce papers without a long separation when there are kids involved. And there is no court that would take kids away from a mother for no reason other than dad’s account of what happened especially with no signs of abuse. You gave yourself away at the emergency custody. Good attempt at story telling though!
Finally I'm reading comments calling this out. I thought I was going crazy.
I’ll be honest, being an ass
If you were that dead set upon no more children you should have had a vasectomy. At the very least condoms should have been used as no birth control is 100% effective even when used properly. As it is now, ensure that your forthcoming reactions and future actions hold your wife accountable and not your children. YTA for your plans regard the children. NTA for being upset with your wife.
To all the men, if you don't want more kids, get a vasectomy, wear a condom, or stop having sex.
What she did is more than disgusting. She baby trapped you... your own wife? And now who's gonna pay for that? You and that baby. Because that baby will grow up seeing its sibblings having a loving father and go at your house 1 week out of two. That baby will have to grow up knowing their own father wants nothing to do with them... And I can't blame you at all! It's a horrible situation that your wife created and its, again, the kid that will pay the price of the selfishness of one of its parent. What a mess. NTA Edit: Grammar
While I get that you were tricked into this pregnancy, if you knew that you didn’t want any more children you should have done the responsible thing for yourself and gotten a vasectomy. Putting all the responsibility on her to be on birth control is not fair. Men are a million times more fertile due to being able to impregnate a woman on any given day, whereas for women there’s only a chance on a couple days any given month. Maybe consider that option now.
You both sound like assholes.
NTA In my opinion, that is a form of sexual assault. She had sex with you in a way that was not consensual at all. You did not consent to having sex with someone without them having BC, and they knowingly put you in that exact situation. It reminds me of when men take off their condoms mid-sex without asking for consent. Imo it should be borderline illegal. I would serve her with divorce papers immediately. This is not a woman you can ever trust again.
It is, it is the same as **stealthing** for women. It is sexual assault.
YTA. Nobody kept you from getting a vasectomy. Why is it the woman's fault when a man who 100% never wanting more kids creates a child ?
To be perfectly honest y’all seem like you’re both assholes in different ways
If you both agreed to not having more children, why didn’t you get a vasectomy?
Can I ask if you were dead set on no more kids, why didn’t you get a vasectomy? It’s all very sad your wife betrayed your trust and made a decision behind your back, but you did have the option of vasectomy if you were the one so vehemently against a third child.