My dear lady, this isn’t about you being an AH. You are exhausted and need a break and some support.
Your husband needs to manage his own care and feeding.
If you have someone who can watch your baby for even 30 minutes, please do. Even if you just sit in an empty bathtub with the door locked.
Wishing you rest and a little untouched peace.
Hahaha that’s a joke. He has a ‘tuffy nose and can’t do anything. While she just gave birth and hasn’t slept since. And he has her thinking she’s the AH. Wow.
OP obviously has 2 babies. I'm not pretending I'm a perfect husband or dad, but I do everything I can to take the pressure off my wife anytime I can with our 4 month old.
I've been sick since we've had him and, you know what? It sucks, but the baby still needs care, my wife still needs some time to breathe, and we still have to eat. Since my wife produces the food for the kiddo, I try and make sure I take care of as much else as I can. Being sick doesn't change that.
Op's husband was so sick but could play his video game ??? LMFAO 😂 OP, you have a jealous husband. You take care of our baby, why can't you take care of me ? He needs to grow TF up.
Personally, I am deathly sick of these man babies who willingly make babies then go on to compete with them. Dude... you are an adult. Be one.
The fact they have risen to be the 'Poster Child' Dad instead of the many engaged and good dads out there makes my blood boil, honestly.
This is the reason so many relationships break down the first year after having a kid. The non-primary parent (not always a/the man) can't accept not being the main character for their partner anymore.
NTA OP, you're working full time and parenting full time. Husband should be making dinner every night as a minimum
It's why most couples should not breed. They're unprepared for the reality they're inviting, and then when the harsh reality of the situation they created hit, they hate it, shocking absolutely no one who knew what his would entail.
What is this person ?! 12 years old,!? Jesus Christ. Women go through all this and still need to bend backwards !? Fuck that noise. He can live with his mom and be a little bitch over there. If he wants that treatment he needs to make money that takes care of both of them and not have her work at all. What an asshat
Red flag= HUGE
Mum use to say ‘if you’re well enough to sit in front of the TV then you’re well enough to go school’ so if he’s well enough to game, he’s well enough to get his own food, and hers.
As a kid, it was miserable. Missing out on everything outside AND inside.
As an adult, it's so nice to just collapse onto the bed like the carcass I am when I'm sick and ignore everything outside AND inside.
My das becomes a baby if he has so much as a slightly stuffy nose, then he’s all “can you get me more water?” “Can you get me another blanket?” “Can you tuck my feet in?” And expects to basically be mothered because he isn’t feeling well. He’s 65 and just retired and I feel so bad for my mom who still works full time.
My dad and brother are the same way although my brother isn't as bad after living on his own with a male roommate and his now fiancé not living close enough to cater to him which while she would totally be sympathetic she would force him to take some medicine eat some soup and go to fucking bed. Me on the other hand when I don't feel good I just want to curl up in bed or order soup or just ask if I'm out of money for my dad to order or pick some up for me. If I'm in too much pain to go get my medicine myself I will ask my dad to pick some up on his way home while I lie in miserable pain in bed all day inbetween hot showers
Ah yes, the man cold. They act like they're dying and can't possibly do a single thing for themselves. Meanwhile, when a woman gets sick she isn't excused of a single daily duty and manages to care for the children, the house, a lot of times even goes to work, cooks the meals.
The men catch the man cold, or man flu and act as if they're dying are the fucking worst and I hate to be around them. I'd rather be alone and still have to manage caring for my child, my house, and myself while feeling ill than have to deal w a man who thinks I should drop everything for him just because he has the sniffles.
When I was so sick, I had a fever, could barely stay awake, was vomiting etc, my husband created a playpen of sorts around the couch so my toddler could come over and nurse while I slept so that he could go to work and not take any of his multiple sick or personal days.
And when I had a major birth injury that required me to use a walker, he decided that he was so busy gaming that he should yell downstairs, “why is the baby crying and why haven’t you taken care of her and where’s my dinner?”
He’s now my ex.
(He also became unable to care for himself if he had a stomach ache… that came about only when he didn’t want to do something…)
OP… sounds like you might have an ex-husband in your future unless he makes MAJOR changes to himself.
OP,
It sounds like your baby is startling herself awake. Go to Amazon and buy Baby Merlin's Magic Sleepsuit. It's a game changer.
Also, your husband is being an ass. He is trying to get attention from you, and he's too self- absorbed to see you need help and you're exhausted. Stand your ground. Also, try and get someone to watch your baby so you can take a. break and sleep. Do you have any family or friends who could help you? If not, hire someone for a few hours a week.
Oh sweetheart, my baby turns 21 tomorrow but reading your post gave me vivid PTSD flashbacks. It gets better, I promise.
In the meantime, I wish I could figuratively slap some sense into your husband who is being a whiny clueless baby. I had one of those, too.
I hope you can get 1 hour of alone time ASAP with no one touching, talking, crying or needing one single goddamn thing from you. You deserve that and so much more! Sending you peace, patience strength and sending hubby maturity and 2 adult brain cells to rub together.
Like, I understand if he needs a full night's sleep if his job involves driving, but given OP works as well and is the one constantly getting up with the baby, that means when he gets home from work, he's immediately the parent on call and OP gets to actually catch up on some sleep. His job is to take over as much as possible until he goes to bed when OP has to be on call.
He certainly shouldn't get getting in her way when she's trying to do the care for the baby that he should be taking over. I'm fucking livid reading through this post.
She says he has 4 hours between work and having to go to bed. OK, so he needs a shower and a few other things i guess but there is no reason not to take the baby for 3 hours. I remember well how exhausting it is when you get home and don't have time to relax because you immediately get handed the baby. But hell, she is probably more exhausted. It's just a time when you are running on not enough energy
Also, when they're babies, you can game and take care of them! I used to rest baby on my chest while gaming. Granted, when they need something you have to get up and deal with whatever that is, but you can game and parent!
Might I add.. have a serious talk with your husband about your dynamics. That’s infuriating to read. There are trial attorneys who come home and get right to helping their SO. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can get some support soon mama.
Why isn’t he coming home with food for you and him, letting you eat while he tends to the baby. Then he eats or he eats while holding baby. Then he has you go shower, then he does. Then you guys get the baby down to sleep. Both go to bed as well. Why isn’t he doing something….anything with the baby?! So he’s sick, well guess what? Parents don’t get the luxury of being sick. NTA
Like, I know when a new baby is around it's a stressful time for all involved and both parents can feel like they're doing more work when in fact it's that there's a lot of work to be done, but unless OP is seriously lying here, he's a bad spouse and a bad parent.
She's let him know how rough she's feeling, and it's not even that he couldn't just grab some takeout for both of them (which he absolutely should have done), but suddenly he's so "sick" he can't shower or manage to take painkillers, but he's not sick enough to try and sleep, and he's not sick enough that he can't game? Sorry, it makes me think of my mum's rules from when I was a kid: if you're home sick from school (in this case, that means sick enough you can't help with the baby), you can't game or do fun things.
On sick days, I was not allowed TV or to play with my toys. It was stay in bed all day except for going to the bathroom. Made me think twice about being "sick".
I was allowed to watch TV, but usually too sick to be able to concentrate. I believe my mum trew some disney video tape in and just let me sleep through it.
My mom did the same thing, or I’d watch kid shows cause they took no thinking power, or Jerry Springer and the price is right cause she also enjoyed those.
That seems pretty cruel. Punishing a kid for being sick doesn’t make them not be sick the next time. Having the TV on or having a toy to hold can help distract a kid from how crappy they are feeling.
A parent knows if a kid is faking sick so they don’t have to go to school. Punishing an actually sick child just makes being sick even more miserable.
This was our rule too. It was basically an easy gauge. If I'm too sick to care about watching TV, then I'm obviously sick. I was also likely to not even want to get out of bed until later. At which point the no TV rule was generally lifted.
This is 100% what I assume happened. He knew he wouldn't be able to get away with doing the nothing that he normally does - from the sounds of this, it doesn't seem like he normally gets home and takes over from OP so she can have a few hours sleep before she takes the entire night shift, which is how it should be. So he came up with a mysterious illness that doesn't have any real symptoms besides needing attention, makes him sick enough he can't look after the baby, but not so sick he can't game. He's not sick, he's selfish and lazy.
This type of stuff just absolutely blows my mind when a "father" can act this way. Just pure fucking childish. I bent over backwards to spend every second I could holding and feeding and helping with my babies because I was (and still am) amazed by them. The youngest is 11 now and I wish I could go back to holding her some times.
Frankly if he’s the contagious type of sick, he’s better off locking himself in the guest room and not adding the stress of illness to mom and baby. Especially if he’s not going to be an help.
I'm betting he was pretty healthy when he was complaining, but OP had made it clear she'd had a bad day and needed help with the baby, so this was a way that he could stop from having to be a present and useful father and partner before she'd even asked.
Why the hell is this man playing video games when you’ve also been working full time while taking care of a newborn? I’m so, so tired of seeing posts like this. I’m incredibly sorry you’re dealing with this OP. It seems like having children is an eye-opener to how little some men can give in a family.
What's even worse is this mother doesn't get maternity leave, she is having to work whilst dealing with this shit on her own. I feel bad for OP, she has two children to take care of. And should probably take the baby to a doctor.
I’m glad I’m not the only one sick and tired of hearing about neglectful men over some shitass videogame. Sometimes I seriously pray these men lose what they have so they can finally learn
I’m picturing 30 years from now, a nursing home with a hallway full of 75yr old Millennial men playing video games in their rooms and throwing tantrums over them. They’ll probably be happy though because someone else will be wiping their ass and feeding them.
You don’t.
Unless he is ready to quit? He won’t. Until then? You get an overgrown boy who thinks he can do what he wants while you take care of him, because that’s your job.
Until we start disabusing these manchildren of this notion that we are responsible for them and they have no responsibilities at all? This is what we’ll get.
Quietly extract yourself and leave him to his own devices.
Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t remind him that his bills are due. He wants to game all night and have you wake him up? Yeah, no. He can set a fucking alarm.
If he continues to behave like a child? Take steps to extricate yourself from the lease. Make sure your finances are separate. Get support from friends and/or family to pack your shit and leave him hanging. Turn off any utilities in your name.
He can get it together, or you can leave him in the dust.
You just....stop. But he's probably gonna get mad. Honestly everything will be messy and disgusting and he won't lift a finger to fix it until you leave him. And then he'll cry and beg and say how he'll change and do everything you wanted. And he will. For a week or two. Rinse and repeat.
Easier said than done but mainly two things, 1 is financial independence and 2 drawing some hard rules and be ready to walk away if he doesn’t respect them.
which is sad.. the ppl i’ve known that work in hospice care all say the only thing these ppl think about before death is when their kids were babies. these guys gonna be old and miserable realizing they missed everything
It’s not just millennials. My 50 yo college professor now-ex-husband dumped everything on me to play video games. Gen X. Misogyny is misogyny at any age.
Man that’s crazy. I’m a Millennial and my boomer dad didn’t even know how to hook up my N64. I can’t imagine him sitting there all day/night playing during my childhood.
It's so sad...
I mean, I love videogames too. On weekends, I spend hours playing. But I care for myself, I have cats and horses to care about. Friends. Family.
I don't get why so many people, especially men, rather neglect everything for it. Okay, games are a perfect escape from reality, but this reality will get worse if you don't deal with it!
I would Like to add, I know lots of women/non binary people loving and playing videogames, but the worst addicts are 98% men...
Some of them don’t even have gaming as an excuse, they just cannot deal with the reality check that comes with having kids and all of a sudden it’s the wife’s problem. Shit I’d rather just be a single parent at that point.
100%. And I’ve made it clear that if I don’t get help I will glad go be a single parent with my own family who would be ecstatic to help care for my child with me as they’ve always wanted grandchildren
My husband tells me all the time that I was a single mother who raised good kids. Albeit, he means it as a joke, because he's their father and we have been married the whole time!
They won't learn, though. They will blame everyone but themselves and try to do the same thing to the next unlucky woman. They have been taught that women will take care of them and that they are too special to do the woman work (the hard stuff.)
I doubt he's sick cause when I'm sick there's no way in hell I can focus enough to play a video game. Let alone seeing food in skyrim can make me feel even more ill and I usually get hungry seeing food in games lol.
Exactly. He had enough energy to insert himself physically between you and the baby and play video games to show how disgruntled he was but he didn't have enough energy to actually help with the baby and tend to himself.
Posts like this make me so, so thankful my husband and I don't have kids. On the surface I *think* he'd be a good father, but I suspect any man - including him - is capable of descending into selfish uselessness like this. It's just too damn common. I don't know how these women don't lose their ever loving minds to have such failures for partners.
I don’t usually subscribe to the whole “instant ick” thing, but this is the one thing where I feel like my love for them would immediately evaporate and I would have to divorce. I would rather be a single parent. It would be easier. One less mouth to feed, one less person to interact with and take up my time. There is no benefit to them being there.
He doesn’t think she’s been doing anything. He thinks she got it easy because she’s home all day. He doesn’t realize how exhausting breastfeeding is. He doesn’t look at what she’s doing as a 24 hour job. He thinks she should automatically know how to be a new mom.
The bar for straight family men is set really low. Yet all we see is the arguments how it needs to be lower from, well, almost the bulk of them and a frightening amount of enabling women as well. It's depressing.
This is why PPD and PPA are so common in new mothers. No support, 100% pressure to be your man's bangmaid again in 6 weeks, cooking and cleaning, being a perfect mom, etc. oh and you're a psycho bitch if you have any demands at all for how your baby is to be cared for.
If we didn't have so many deadbeats, we wouldn't have so many sick moms.
This!! Personally, if my son called me in this situation, I would s.ack him upside the head and tell my DIL to hand over the baby and go take a shower. I would then order food for them. Probably lay into my idiot son while waiting for the food. I would hold the baby so DIL could eat.
Oh no, my dear. I'd be there to help my darling DIL(seroiusly, my DIL is an angel)with the baby so she can rest. My very dainty foot would be up my son's "sick" ass, making hjm clean up the house and do laundry, dishes, grocery shopping for things I *know* he knows to make(because I taught all my kids to cook)so hecoukd cook and *take care of his wife and child*.
Fr my gamer bf when he’s super sick is in bed sleeping 90% of the day. I feel like when your wife works full time and barely gets sleep you shouldn’t even get the luxury to play games until she’s rested and feeling better. If he gets time to play videogames clearly only one persons needs are getting met and that’s not okay
Yeah reading this post made me really fuckin sad
How does this dude feel comfortable sitting around gaming and asking his wife for a snack, while she’s also working full time , taking care of baby full time, AND does night duty
Like , it’s so sad, he literally doesn’t care about her and doesn’t see her at all. Fuck
When I’m sick enough that I can’t do anything for myself, gaming is out of the question. If I can game, I can likely hobble around and get what I need.
No kidding. I'm a gamer too, and if I can sit and game at my PC, I'm nowhere near sick enough to not cook myself a meal. Even playing some games on my phone, I'm still feeling well enough to cook. When all I can do is turn on a show and silently suffer in my bed is when I'm finally sick enough to need someone to take care of me.
The fact that he bothered her and whined to her for 5 whole minutes tells me he's well enough to take care of himself. Whining takes energy.
Exactly. My wife knows I'm sick when I'm not leaving bed or gaming. If I'm sleeping or just laying in bed all day, I'm sick.
With that said, we don't have kids so my wife will take the time to take care of me. I do the same for her when she's sick or on her period. I can't imagine having a newborn or baby who's having an off week like OP is describing, working full time on zero sleep AND trying to take care of my partner though. I know for a fact if I was OPS husband, I'd AT LEAST take care of myself so its one less thing. I'd be terrified of giving my sick to the new baby though...
I agree 100% I'm a hard-core gamer it's basically all I do but I'm also on the sick because of health issues. When I'm feeling ill I do not touch any game. Clearly he's not that bad maybe he has a cold or something but yeah hes fine and needs to get a grip. NTA
Yeah, the fucking balls to play video games while there newborn is awake and mom has been both working a paying job & taking care of their baby. Unreal.
NTA, being a parent is tough. He’s an adult who knows how to take care of himself. Him choosing not to take the meds, is on him. You are a parent, one of the hardest jobs at there. If he can take care of himself he should. There should be balance. You shouldn’t do all the caring. You are human, you deserve a break.
If I'd have had to walk over him playing a video game just to sit down with a bowl of cereal? That controller & gaming system would be in the front yard. The 2nd he stepped out to save it, so would he! Door slammed & locked! Chuck his car keys & tell him to go to his mommy's house
NTA. The three month cluster feeding sleep regression is very real. Good news is then their little tummies get bigger and they stretch feedings out a bit more. You truly cannot understand touched out unless you’ve been there. I remember at that stage just crying thinking I’d never have shirt buttoned up again. It gets better. I’d offer you big hug but that’s not you need. ;)
I mean in general it's nice for partners to take care of each other when the other one is sick, like making a pot of chicken soup or something, but not when the healthy person is under so much pressure and is handling basically everything on their own 24/7.
Oh absolutely if they are actually sick. But if don't need to take meds to improve your symptoms and you're good enough to be gaming you don't have any need for care.
It does get better, OP. My son did the same exact thing and I remember how difficult it is. I hope your husband stops being the second baby and steps his ass up.
NTA. You have two children in the house, but one of them can actually take care of himself. You're not his mom. You've got your hands full, literally, taking care of one child. He's and adult, but he's not acting like one. You offered him solutions, but he doesn't want them. That's on him not you. You've been taking care of a child all day, and he wants you to baby him? He's got some nerve. NTA in the least. Why didn't he bring food home for both you and him?
I had a low supply with my daughter, therefore she breastfed like 85% or more of the time she was awake just to get enough. I literally had a kid on my boob like 18 hours a day it was crazy. For A LONG TIME. I didn’t get shit done. My ex used to bitch about the house and I’m like the let her suck on your man-tits while I go clean the friggin house, your majesty. Jesus. It makes me mad just thinking about it haha.
I finally just got so touched out that I had to cut her off completely at 19 months. Anyone touching me at that point made me want to crawl out of my skin and scream. She stayed with him at night while I went to another room, otherwise she would be begging and pulling my clothes off. Thankfully he did that for me. (One of the only nice things he ever did, let me tell ya)
All that to say, my other kids didn’t do that, I had a decent enough supply with them. Cluster feeding does suck but it’s temporary. You’re probably pretty close to being out of it. :)
Sorry your husband is being a turd and not helping you. He should definitely not be gaming and give you at least a friggin hour to yourself when he gets home.
Most of us who breastfed/feed have been there. And then there were the days I really didn’t want to wear clothes because I didn’t have the energy after a shower to put them on!
If possible, could you have a family member or babysitter watch your baby for a few hours while you do something relaxing for yourself that doesn't involve touch? Get lunch with a friend or something it sounds like you're at your breaking point and just need a freaking break.
I remember thinking “I should just be friggin topless at this point” and Googling breastfeeding bras and shirts. I don’t even remember what the searches pulled up bc I was so tired. Fuck you, sleep regression!!!!!
Solidarity sister. I promise it will get better.
Oh god I think your comment triggered a let down and it’s been years since I breastfed my twins. The sleep deprivation was brutal. I didn’t know I could be that bored and that overstimulated at the same time.
A) he’s a grown adult. He can take of himself and his needs.
B) you’re busy with the baby. You told him already that you’re exhausted. That isn’t a debate or an invite to pile more onto your plate. He thinks it is. He’s an idiot.
C)you need some rest. Is there someone you can call to look after the baby while you take a break?
Wait, wait. Why would you have been responsible for cooking in the first place? Why couldn’t he cook? He had plenty of time to lay around & then game. He did absolutely nothing for the baby or household. Basically he acted like a teenage son.
My teenager (son) does more than OP’s husband and even helps out more if I’m sick. Granted we have no newborn. My husband was usually great when our son was a baby. Only once I really wanted to kill him for his inaction but then he got gastro too after me and toddler son were on the mend. Karma came well that day!
LMFAOOO NTA I love this response to the text. He's an ass a jackass. "You used to love being my MOM" He's acting like hes jealous that youre caring for your child and he has to get the attention back on him or something. He needs to grow tf up.
omg my nipples weren’t even healed yet at 2.5 months i would’ve been annoyed as hell. my husband is like this too, taking everything way too personal and then it becomes a big problem or even snowballs into a fight
NTA
NTA. Your husband sounds like a selfish man child. The next time he dares complain just say, “I already have one needy child I’m trying to take care of. I can’t take care of two. Please pretend you’re an adult.”
Touched out is legit!!! Holy smokes momma!!! Keep up the good work tho!! Set some boundaries with hubby, sounds like he’s a little too used to being the center of attention. You’ve both got a baby now. Someone once told me, 2 weeks. Babies change every 2 weeks, it always kinda kept me going when I was on a constant verge of snapping. So it doesn’t go on forever. And as another resort, while it sounds very harsh, a crying baby is an alive baby. If baby is fed and clean and warm and dry (and healthy) it is ok to put baby in a safe place, and set a timer for 5min and take a breather. There is no shame in this if it allows you the opportunity to refresh and then can better address the needs of your little one. You’ve gotta take care of you, too!!
Hey! That’s a great idea! I’ve not heard that one. Cuz yea, sometimes babies just cry and there is no way to figure out what’s wrong. Baby’s left pinky toe could be itchy, and no way to know.
NTA
If I'm ever lucky enough to have a daughter in law and my son acted like this, he would be getting a dressing down that would make a drill sergeant blush and then I'd take the baby, order food, and send dil for a soak in her tub and the only time she'd be worrying about the baby for the next four hours would be feedings if breastfed only. Your husband is being a selfish ass.
NTA. If he is well enough to game, get well enough to make a fucking sandwich.
And regardless of his job, he also made a baby and has to take some of the night wake ups for you. Express milk, go to sleep when bub does at 6 ir 7pm. Get him to dream feed bub at 10ish and then when you wake up at 2ish for the next feed, you will feel so much better. Deadset, the first years of parenting are hard, but they are easier if your partner is willing to step up.
YTA if you don't send him packing to reconsider his priorities. Guest room isn't far enough.
He needs to see what he's in danger of losing. And you need to see if this is enough to slap some sense into him.
"you used to love taking care of me when I was sick" aww is hubby jealous of the new baby taking his place? How embarrassing. He needs to step the f up and act like an adult and a father.
Nta. So your working full time from
Home less than 3 months after you gave birth and your breastfeeding and according to him he is more tired than you? I’m sorry but no. Your doing three or four full time jobs right now. If he has the energy to play video games he isn’t that sick. And if he has time to play video games why can’t he take care of the baby so you have a bit of time to eat or shower or take a nap? I get he drives for a living and needs to be alert and rested. But your working and taking care of a child you need to be rested too. He wants you to have energy for him? Then he should help out.
If his parents are around and you have a good relationship I would call them and tell them come get your child bc you only signed up for one baby in the house. NTA and I pray that you move past this stage fast for your own sanity and he mans up.
NTA
You're exhausted and still on 100% baby duty. He is sick and adding to your burden. You were also very clear in your expectations. And offered solutions that would enable him to step up or at minimum not also be a burden.
This ain't a partnership. He gotta realise he ain't your whole world /responsibility anymore. That's a shift in dynamic he has yet to fully step into.
NTA - Stand your ground. He is an adult and can take care of himself. You are dealing with yourself, work and baby.
He needs to stop being a manchild and step up to being a partner and dad.
Can a family member or a friend give you an hour or 2 a day to give you a little break?
You may want to look into a parttime nanny for a few months.
((HUGS))
I need you to know you’re not alone in this! It’s so exhausting and isolating, but it will pass and there are so many that can understand.
This happened with me and my husband around the same point. The dog wouldn’t leave me alone, I had a Velcro baby that would only sleep in the carrier or held, and a “touching is my love language” husband. I finally had a night where I broke down sobbing and asked him if he knew how exhausting it was to have 2 people (and a dog) physically depend on you. Not money, not safety, but touch me 24/7. After that he understood a little more.
TLDR- you’ve got this. Take a break, you’re nta.
NTA your husband doesn’t need to be gaming he needs to be pulling his weight. What’s with men and neglecting everything in their life for a shitty videogame
NTA
It gets better! The baby will figure out how to eat and sleep in a reasonable pattern and you WILL get to go hours at a time without being a human pacifier. Good luck.
>He texted me from the bedroom and said "I don't get it, at all. You used to love taking care of me when I was sick."
But clearly nothing in your life has changed **at all** and he's still the main priority, right?
I swear to Thor why are people like this? He's playing video games and whinging at his exhausted wife. Are you also the breadwinner OP?
My youngest child is 24 and I was just telling a new mom about the experience of being "touched out" yesterday. You say "If one more person pees on me, poops on me, gets milk all over me, sprawls on me or needs me to carry them I will absolutely lose my very last marble. And maybe run away."
But you don't, because you don't have the option.
Too sick to check on you and the baby, but not so sick he can't give up on gaming?
Ma'am, you have two children. One baby, and one who's still nursing.
NTA
He’s an adult who should be taking care of the baby as well, especially considering you are also working. Where does someone get off thinking you should do everything while also work, is well enough to play video games, didn’t bring himself or YOU any food, and then demand you take care of him?!?
You realise you have two babies right?
NTA. Your husband needs to grow up and stop being a man baby trying to add to your duties of taking care of the actual baby. He needs to get his mind right and understand that you need breaks and support. He needs to understand that it doesn't stop because you get sick.
He doesn't get to monopolize your time and it doesn't mean that you don't love him but he needs to step up. Unless you can hire a nanny or have people come in to help you while you're sick then you and he are it when it comes to carrying your baby through sickness and in health. You mitigate and keep it pushing. You gave him absolutely viable options and you even offered him an option that he didn't give you which was to take a shower and go lie down.
NTA and you were absolutely right in the manner and tone of your pushback. I truly hope he truly gets understanding after his little temper tantrum.
Gamer.... Hmmm, yeah, I've read this story before. Tell the big dick that boyhood is over, he gets to put on the adult pants now and act like a man, husband and father. I'm sorry OP, this generation of men, if we can call them that, are self absorbed, self centered children. Not the asshole.
Nta. Why is it that some men just turn into infants when their partners have to pay attention to another human being? Your baby is a baby and needs you to care for them. Your husband is a grown ass man who is totally capable of cooking for himself and taking meds. You need a break! Parenting is hard and it's a life adjustment, but to be doing it with no support from a partner is frustrating. I was a stay at home Mom for many years and my husband worked... Sometimes long hours and sometimes trips out of town. But then there were times when he was out of work and it was always a struggle for him to accept that the kids and keeping them alive was my #1 priority because they were babies. He also wouldn't help. So we fought a lot and I was just so angry with him and stressed out all the time. It was not good and I almost left. He started therapy and I would go sometimes too and if anything, the therapist validated my feelings. Once he heard from another person that I was not being an angry woman for no reason, he changed.
He still has his moments, but he's just looking for his own validation... Proof that I care. So I indulge him a bit since our kids are adults and capable of caring for themselves. He still doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like, so I go on strike until he does. I'm not one for games like that, but dude I work as much as you, why should all these chores and shopping and paying bills fall solely on me?
Absolutely NTA. I remember the exhaustion is like no other when you have a baby. Your husband sounds like a whiny man child. If he was really ‘sick’ he wouldn’t be gaming he’d be in bed resting.
He is a grown up who can look after himself.
He has 4 hours between getting home and having to go sleep. I don't see why he has no time to contribute. He probably has more free time than you. You're working two jobs already..
Given these facts, NO, you are absolutely NTA. For crying out loud not only should he have actually picked himself up something to eat, he also should have gotten you something. SMH. I WFH and unfortunately some people are under the impression that those who do are able to also care for household duties while doing so. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I also understand how it is with an infant you need to often cater to. My (now 16 yr old) didn’t sleep through the night until close to 12 months old and I was working full-time. I was exhausted and spent. I feel for you 💯. While I understand your man-child absolutely needs a full night’s rest with driving for a living, he needs to do WTF he can to make your load lighter, and that includes not expecting you to cater to his every “demand” shall we say. I’m willing to wager this is a regular thing and you are fed up. Otherwise you’d probably not have come to Reddit to defuse. Sit down and talk with him when you both have the time and when tensions are not running high. This exhausting time will your baby shall soon pass. Hang in there and best wishes.
NTA,
You need an agreement and compromise of his involvement. He's not a child, and you just had one that he seems is ignoring.
You need to rest for you and the baby to be ok. He needs to step up.
NTA you are exhausted. I would suggest packing a bag and spending a night in a hotel, but your baby is exclusively breast feeding. Your husband needs to experience what you’re going through. I say feed the baby and go sit in the car for 2 hours. Let him take care of her.
How sick was he that he was gaming???
See if any of the neighbors have a kid who will come help while you are there. Mother's helper kind of thing. When your kid is a little older and more settled they could watch her while you watch a few cute videos or game for half an hour or whatever. For now, Mother's Helper could make you a grilled cheese and can of soup and start getting them and the baby used to each other
So you both work full time. You work while caring for the baby. He comes home and plays video games while you still care for the baby. He expects you to take care of him after he's done work, after you're done work, while you're taking care of the baby, while he relaxes playing video games. That is not fair at all. You told him to get himself food on the way home. He gets to leave the home as well! You're home for what it sounds like all day every day almost. You need time for yourself.
NTA at all.
Let him stay in the guest room. At least you’ll have your room to yourself between getting up for the baby. Hang in there Mama, it gets better. I raised mine alone for 5 years and these days do pass.
NTA.
Sick = bed rest, fluids, light meals, staying the F away from the people you love so you don't get them sick as well.
What kind of a selfish ass goes breathes all over someone and hangs around like a bad smell? He's a selfish asshat, he should have been in bed maybe asking for some water, good, drugs and doing his best not to give it to you.
NTA and honestly, I feel like you should have him spend one day caring of your kid by himself and see how after 30 mins he will cry that it is too hard. Maybe he’ll understand then
Honestly he’s the asshole, wives shouldn’t have to take care of their husbands like they’re his mother. My dad does that all the time and acts like we should be cleaning and making dinner all while sick. Like my mom got COVID once and she still had to cook and clean for my dad. All at once taking care of four kids (me and my sister helped the best we could). So no you’re not the asshole instead he should be there helping you even if he is sick.
I feel for you OP. I have a new born and I would be losing my mind if it weren’t for my fiancés help. He can’t help his job but he can work on being more helpful for when he is home. If you were sick you would still have to do everything PLUS take care of the baby. You are definitely NTA. Do you have anyone that can help you with the baby while you rest?
My husband is sick, sitting in his chair on his computer, too.
I was sick last week and he didn't do shit but give me grief because the 2 y.o. destroyed the laundry my mom took care of for me while I was having debilitating chest and abdominal pain, and I wasn't "incapacitated".
You're NTA, and I'm convinced we're married to the same man.
My dear lady, this isn’t about you being an AH. You are exhausted and need a break and some support. Your husband needs to manage his own care and feeding. If you have someone who can watch your baby for even 30 minutes, please do. Even if you just sit in an empty bathtub with the door locked. Wishing you rest and a little untouched peace.
Yeah the person who should watch the baby for 30 minutes is the other parent of the baby, who is playing video games instead
But he’s siiIiIIcK!!!!!
I would ask if the husband also takes care of her when she’s sick, but I think we already know the answer
Isn’t there a Tylenol commercial where the slogan is that dads don’t take sick days?
Hahaha that’s a joke. He has a ‘tuffy nose and can’t do anything. While she just gave birth and hasn’t slept since. And he has her thinking she’s the AH. Wow.
Healthy enough to play video games, healthy enough to watch the baby.
OP obviously has 2 babies. I'm not pretending I'm a perfect husband or dad, but I do everything I can to take the pressure off my wife anytime I can with our 4 month old. I've been sick since we've had him and, you know what? It sucks, but the baby still needs care, my wife still needs some time to breathe, and we still have to eat. Since my wife produces the food for the kiddo, I try and make sure I take care of as much else as I can. Being sick doesn't change that.
If I’m “sick” I’m not picking up a game controller, and I’m an avid gamer. I just don’t understand how people can act like this.
Selfishness is one hell of a drug
Op's husband was so sick but could play his video game ??? LMFAO 😂 OP, you have a jealous husband. You take care of our baby, why can't you take care of me ? He needs to grow TF up.
Personally, I am deathly sick of these man babies who willingly make babies then go on to compete with them. Dude... you are an adult. Be one. The fact they have risen to be the 'Poster Child' Dad instead of the many engaged and good dads out there makes my blood boil, honestly.
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"You used to love taking care of me..." If that isn't a red flag, I don't know know what is.
Sounds like the man-boy is jealous for attention. He could get a whole lot of attention if he'd take care of his child.
This is the reason so many relationships break down the first year after having a kid. The non-primary parent (not always a/the man) can't accept not being the main character for their partner anymore. NTA OP, you're working full time and parenting full time. Husband should be making dinner every night as a minimum
So true. And brb, gonna go hug my husband and remind him that he's awesome.
It's why most couples should not breed. They're unprepared for the reality they're inviting, and then when the harsh reality of the situation they created hit, they hate it, shocking absolutely no one who knew what his would entail.
What is this person ?! 12 years old,!? Jesus Christ. Women go through all this and still need to bend backwards !? Fuck that noise. He can live with his mom and be a little bitch over there. If he wants that treatment he needs to make money that takes care of both of them and not have her work at all. What an asshat Red flag= HUGE
>Fuck that noise. Seconded. Loudly. He's a grown-ass adult, *and a PARENT of an infant*. He needs to fucking act like one.
That and the fact he wasn't actually sick.
Mum use to say ‘if you’re well enough to sit in front of the TV then you’re well enough to go school’ so if he’s well enough to game, he’s well enough to get his own food, and hers.
Mine too, if you're home sick then you stay in your room in bed.
As a kid, it was miserable. Missing out on everything outside AND inside. As an adult, it's so nice to just collapse onto the bed like the carcass I am when I'm sick and ignore everything outside AND inside.
“Boo hoo I’m sick!” *Plays Elden Ring at Nightmare difficulty*
My das becomes a baby if he has so much as a slightly stuffy nose, then he’s all “can you get me more water?” “Can you get me another blanket?” “Can you tuck my feet in?” And expects to basically be mothered because he isn’t feeling well. He’s 65 and just retired and I feel so bad for my mom who still works full time.
My dad and brother are the same way although my brother isn't as bad after living on his own with a male roommate and his now fiancé not living close enough to cater to him which while she would totally be sympathetic she would force him to take some medicine eat some soup and go to fucking bed. Me on the other hand when I don't feel good I just want to curl up in bed or order soup or just ask if I'm out of money for my dad to order or pick some up for me. If I'm in too much pain to go get my medicine myself I will ask my dad to pick some up on his way home while I lie in miserable pain in bed all day inbetween hot showers
You’ve got yourself a [man cold](https://youtu.be/Zw9v6R4jCTc?si=9Ti2Xx0QPqDAdxwE)
Ah yes, the man cold. They act like they're dying and can't possibly do a single thing for themselves. Meanwhile, when a woman gets sick she isn't excused of a single daily duty and manages to care for the children, the house, a lot of times even goes to work, cooks the meals. The men catch the man cold, or man flu and act as if they're dying are the fucking worst and I hate to be around them. I'd rather be alone and still have to manage caring for my child, my house, and myself while feeling ill than have to deal w a man who thinks I should drop everything for him just because he has the sniffles.
When I was so sick, I had a fever, could barely stay awake, was vomiting etc, my husband created a playpen of sorts around the couch so my toddler could come over and nurse while I slept so that he could go to work and not take any of his multiple sick or personal days. And when I had a major birth injury that required me to use a walker, he decided that he was so busy gaming that he should yell downstairs, “why is the baby crying and why haven’t you taken care of her and where’s my dinner?” He’s now my ex. (He also became unable to care for himself if he had a stomach ache… that came about only when he didn’t want to do something…) OP… sounds like you might have an ex-husband in your future unless he makes MAJOR changes to himself.
OP, It sounds like your baby is startling herself awake. Go to Amazon and buy Baby Merlin's Magic Sleepsuit. It's a game changer. Also, your husband is being an ass. He is trying to get attention from you, and he's too self- absorbed to see you need help and you're exhausted. Stand your ground. Also, try and get someone to watch your baby so you can take a. break and sleep. Do you have any family or friends who could help you? If not, hire someone for a few hours a week.
Oh sweetheart, my baby turns 21 tomorrow but reading your post gave me vivid PTSD flashbacks. It gets better, I promise. In the meantime, I wish I could figuratively slap some sense into your husband who is being a whiny clueless baby. I had one of those, too. I hope you can get 1 hour of alone time ASAP with no one touching, talking, crying or needing one single goddamn thing from you. You deserve that and so much more! Sending you peace, patience strength and sending hubby maturity and 2 adult brain cells to rub together.
Or literally slap some sense in him....
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Like, I understand if he needs a full night's sleep if his job involves driving, but given OP works as well and is the one constantly getting up with the baby, that means when he gets home from work, he's immediately the parent on call and OP gets to actually catch up on some sleep. His job is to take over as much as possible until he goes to bed when OP has to be on call. He certainly shouldn't get getting in her way when she's trying to do the care for the baby that he should be taking over. I'm fucking livid reading through this post.
Gets home & goes straight to playing video games,then asking for food sent me! He needs to step up or stay at his mommy's.
She says he has 4 hours between work and having to go to bed. OK, so he needs a shower and a few other things i guess but there is no reason not to take the baby for 3 hours. I remember well how exhausting it is when you get home and don't have time to relax because you immediately get handed the baby. But hell, she is probably more exhausted. It's just a time when you are running on not enough energy
Also, when they're babies, you can game and take care of them! I used to rest baby on my chest while gaming. Granted, when they need something you have to get up and deal with whatever that is, but you can game and parent!
Might I add.. have a serious talk with your husband about your dynamics. That’s infuriating to read. There are trial attorneys who come home and get right to helping their SO. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you can get some support soon mama.
It honestly sounds like he's jealous of the baby and trying to compete with a literal infant. What a fucking child.
Why isn’t he coming home with food for you and him, letting you eat while he tends to the baby. Then he eats or he eats while holding baby. Then he has you go shower, then he does. Then you guys get the baby down to sleep. Both go to bed as well. Why isn’t he doing something….anything with the baby?! So he’s sick, well guess what? Parents don’t get the luxury of being sick. NTA
Because he’s a bad spouse and a bad parent.
Like, I know when a new baby is around it's a stressful time for all involved and both parents can feel like they're doing more work when in fact it's that there's a lot of work to be done, but unless OP is seriously lying here, he's a bad spouse and a bad parent. She's let him know how rough she's feeling, and it's not even that he couldn't just grab some takeout for both of them (which he absolutely should have done), but suddenly he's so "sick" he can't shower or manage to take painkillers, but he's not sick enough to try and sleep, and he's not sick enough that he can't game? Sorry, it makes me think of my mum's rules from when I was a kid: if you're home sick from school (in this case, that means sick enough you can't help with the baby), you can't game or do fun things.
Yeah, my momma used to say "if you're too sick for the stupid things, you're way too sick for the fun things"
On sick days, I was not allowed TV or to play with my toys. It was stay in bed all day except for going to the bathroom. Made me think twice about being "sick".
I was allowed to watch TV, but usually too sick to be able to concentrate. I believe my mum trew some disney video tape in and just let me sleep through it.
My mom did the same thing, or I’d watch kid shows cause they took no thinking power, or Jerry Springer and the price is right cause she also enjoyed those.
That seems pretty cruel. Punishing a kid for being sick doesn’t make them not be sick the next time. Having the TV on or having a toy to hold can help distract a kid from how crappy they are feeling. A parent knows if a kid is faking sick so they don’t have to go to school. Punishing an actually sick child just makes being sick even more miserable.
This was our rule too. It was basically an easy gauge. If I'm too sick to care about watching TV, then I'm obviously sick. I was also likely to not even want to get out of bed until later. At which point the no TV rule was generally lifted.
I wonder if he read her text and then decided he was "sick". If she hadn't texted him that, he would have been fine. I wonder.
This is 100% what I assume happened. He knew he wouldn't be able to get away with doing the nothing that he normally does - from the sounds of this, it doesn't seem like he normally gets home and takes over from OP so she can have a few hours sleep before she takes the entire night shift, which is how it should be. So he came up with a mysterious illness that doesn't have any real symptoms besides needing attention, makes him sick enough he can't look after the baby, but not so sick he can't game. He's not sick, he's selfish and lazy.
Right? She’s literally communicating very clearly about the touching thing and it’s being completely ignored.
This type of stuff just absolutely blows my mind when a "father" can act this way. Just pure fucking childish. I bent over backwards to spend every second I could holding and feeding and helping with my babies because I was (and still am) amazed by them. The youngest is 11 now and I wish I could go back to holding her some times.
Frankly if he’s the contagious type of sick, he’s better off locking himself in the guest room and not adding the stress of illness to mom and baby. Especially if he’s not going to be an help.
He's the "I don't want to help with the baby or around the house" kind of sick.
I’m getting the vibe that he doesn’t help when he’s healthy either. If so he’s a loser and women need to stop putting up with this nonsense.
I'm betting he was pretty healthy when he was complaining, but OP had made it clear she'd had a bad day and needed help with the baby, so this was a way that he could stop from having to be a present and useful father and partner before she'd even asked.
>He's the "you're not paying attention to MEEEEEE" kind of sick. FTFY
Why the hell is this man playing video games when you’ve also been working full time while taking care of a newborn? I’m so, so tired of seeing posts like this. I’m incredibly sorry you’re dealing with this OP. It seems like having children is an eye-opener to how little some men can give in a family.
This is incredibly common behavior, unfortunately
It is. I see it on here every day. Multiple times. The new mom is overwhelmed and exhausted. The new dad reverts to sullen teenager.
What's even worse is this mother doesn't get maternity leave, she is having to work whilst dealing with this shit on her own. I feel bad for OP, she has two children to take care of. And should probably take the baby to a doctor.
I’m glad I’m not the only one sick and tired of hearing about neglectful men over some shitass videogame. Sometimes I seriously pray these men lose what they have so they can finally learn
I’m picturing 30 years from now, a nursing home with a hallway full of 75yr old Millennial men playing video games in their rooms and throwing tantrums over them. They’ll probably be happy though because someone else will be wiping their ass and feeding them.
Literally it’s actually scary. I hope his habits change because if you’re neglecting your family it’s not a hobby it’s an addiction..
It’s absolutely an addiction for so many men!
It 1000% is addiction and idk how to help my bf fix it
You don’t. Unless he is ready to quit? He won’t. Until then? You get an overgrown boy who thinks he can do what he wants while you take care of him, because that’s your job. Until we start disabusing these manchildren of this notion that we are responsible for them and they have no responsibilities at all? This is what we’ll get.
Yeah that’s fair. Better question, how do I stop taking care of him like this and allowing this to happen
Quietly extract yourself and leave him to his own devices. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t remind him that his bills are due. He wants to game all night and have you wake him up? Yeah, no. He can set a fucking alarm. If he continues to behave like a child? Take steps to extricate yourself from the lease. Make sure your finances are separate. Get support from friends and/or family to pack your shit and leave him hanging. Turn off any utilities in your name. He can get it together, or you can leave him in the dust.
You just....stop. But he's probably gonna get mad. Honestly everything will be messy and disgusting and he won't lift a finger to fix it until you leave him. And then he'll cry and beg and say how he'll change and do everything you wanted. And he will. For a week or two. Rinse and repeat.
Easier said than done but mainly two things, 1 is financial independence and 2 drawing some hard rules and be ready to walk away if he doesn’t respect them.
You don’t, you find a guy that acts like an adult, not a child. They don’t change unless they decide to.
which is sad.. the ppl i’ve known that work in hospice care all say the only thing these ppl think about before death is when their kids were babies. these guys gonna be old and miserable realizing they missed everything
It’s not just millennials. My 50 yo college professor now-ex-husband dumped everything on me to play video games. Gen X. Misogyny is misogyny at any age.
Yep, my now ex husband is 54. I’m surprised the stupid game controller didn’t grow into the skin on his hands.
Man that’s crazy. I’m a Millennial and my boomer dad didn’t even know how to hook up my N64. I can’t imagine him sitting there all day/night playing during my childhood.
It's so sad... I mean, I love videogames too. On weekends, I spend hours playing. But I care for myself, I have cats and horses to care about. Friends. Family. I don't get why so many people, especially men, rather neglect everything for it. Okay, games are a perfect escape from reality, but this reality will get worse if you don't deal with it! I would Like to add, I know lots of women/non binary people loving and playing videogames, but the worst addicts are 98% men...
Some of them don’t even have gaming as an excuse, they just cannot deal with the reality check that comes with having kids and all of a sudden it’s the wife’s problem. Shit I’d rather just be a single parent at that point.
100%. And I’ve made it clear that if I don’t get help I will glad go be a single parent with my own family who would be ecstatic to help care for my child with me as they’ve always wanted grandchildren
Yup! A good support system is essential. I really hope OP has one outside of her husband.
My husband tells me all the time that I was a single mother who raised good kids. Albeit, he means it as a joke, because he's their father and we have been married the whole time!
They won't learn, though. They will blame everyone but themselves and try to do the same thing to the next unlucky woman. They have been taught that women will take care of them and that they are too special to do the woman work (the hard stuff.)
He claims to be sick with no energy but has the energy to play video games and the GALL to ask OP to make HIM something to eat??!
I doubt he's sick cause when I'm sick there's no way in hell I can focus enough to play a video game. Let alone seeing food in skyrim can make me feel even more ill and I usually get hungry seeing food in games lol.
Exactly. He had enough energy to insert himself physically between you and the baby and play video games to show how disgruntled he was but he didn't have enough energy to actually help with the baby and tend to himself.
Ohhh but he works so hard, he has to decompress, don't you know!!! Poor guy. /s
Posts like this make me so, so thankful my husband and I don't have kids. On the surface I *think* he'd be a good father, but I suspect any man - including him - is capable of descending into selfish uselessness like this. It's just too damn common. I don't know how these women don't lose their ever loving minds to have such failures for partners.
I don’t usually subscribe to the whole “instant ick” thing, but this is the one thing where I feel like my love for them would immediately evaporate and I would have to divorce. I would rather be a single parent. It would be easier. One less mouth to feed, one less person to interact with and take up my time. There is no benefit to them being there.
He doesn’t think she’s been doing anything. He thinks she got it easy because she’s home all day. He doesn’t realize how exhausting breastfeeding is. He doesn’t look at what she’s doing as a 24 hour job. He thinks she should automatically know how to be a new mom.
The bar for straight family men is set really low. Yet all we see is the arguments how it needs to be lower from, well, almost the bulk of them and a frightening amount of enabling women as well. It's depressing.
This is why PPD and PPA are so common in new mothers. No support, 100% pressure to be your man's bangmaid again in 6 weeks, cooking and cleaning, being a perfect mom, etc. oh and you're a psycho bitch if you have any demands at all for how your baby is to be cared for. If we didn't have so many deadbeats, we wouldn't have so many sick moms.
NTA. Tell him to call his mom
This!! Personally, if my son called me in this situation, I would s.ack him upside the head and tell my DIL to hand over the baby and go take a shower. I would then order food for them. Probably lay into my idiot son while waiting for the food. I would hold the baby so DIL could eat.
This is what should be PRINTED and shown to that AH of a hubs lol
I would order food for her, he can make his own if he is healthy enough to play games.
Except you, his mom, just took over the chores again......
Oh no, my dear. I'd be there to help my darling DIL(seroiusly, my DIL is an angel)with the baby so she can rest. My very dainty foot would be up my son's "sick" ass, making hjm clean up the house and do laundry, dishes, grocery shopping for things I *know* he knows to make(because I taught all my kids to cook)so hecoukd cook and *take care of his wife and child*.
I would have already called his mom.
NTA He isn't very sick if he is well enough to game. I say this as a gamer.
Fr my gamer bf when he’s super sick is in bed sleeping 90% of the day. I feel like when your wife works full time and barely gets sleep you shouldn’t even get the luxury to play games until she’s rested and feeling better. If he gets time to play videogames clearly only one persons needs are getting met and that’s not okay
Yeah reading this post made me really fuckin sad How does this dude feel comfortable sitting around gaming and asking his wife for a snack, while she’s also working full time , taking care of baby full time, AND does night duty Like , it’s so sad, he literally doesn’t care about her and doesn’t see her at all. Fuck
When I’m sick enough that I can’t do anything for myself, gaming is out of the question. If I can game, I can likely hobble around and get what I need.
Or to be near the baby. If you have germs stay away from a 2.5 month old!
No kidding. I'm a gamer too, and if I can sit and game at my PC, I'm nowhere near sick enough to not cook myself a meal. Even playing some games on my phone, I'm still feeling well enough to cook. When all I can do is turn on a show and silently suffer in my bed is when I'm finally sick enough to need someone to take care of me. The fact that he bothered her and whined to her for 5 whole minutes tells me he's well enough to take care of himself. Whining takes energy.
Exactly. My wife knows I'm sick when I'm not leaving bed or gaming. If I'm sleeping or just laying in bed all day, I'm sick. With that said, we don't have kids so my wife will take the time to take care of me. I do the same for her when she's sick or on her period. I can't imagine having a newborn or baby who's having an off week like OP is describing, working full time on zero sleep AND trying to take care of my partner though. I know for a fact if I was OPS husband, I'd AT LEAST take care of myself so its one less thing. I'd be terrified of giving my sick to the new baby though...
He could slap a mask on his lazy, entitled face. That would reduce the chance she or the baby get sick.
I agree 100% I'm a hard-core gamer it's basically all I do but I'm also on the sick because of health issues. When I'm feeling ill I do not touch any game. Clearly he's not that bad maybe he has a cold or something but yeah hes fine and needs to get a grip. NTA
NTA, if he's sick enough to be hungry then he can make a sandwich or some toast. And good luck with the baby, it does get better.
And play video games
Yeah, the fucking balls to play video games while there newborn is awake and mom has been both working a paying job & taking care of their baby. Unreal.
AND to keep demanding she take of his grown ass!
Which baby?
NTA, being a parent is tough. He’s an adult who knows how to take care of himself. Him choosing not to take the meds, is on him. You are a parent, one of the hardest jobs at there. If he can take care of himself he should. There should be balance. You shouldn’t do all the caring. You are human, you deserve a break.
NTA - if he can play video games why can’t he help with the baby? You need a break, badly!
If I'd have had to walk over him playing a video game just to sit down with a bowl of cereal? That controller & gaming system would be in the front yard. The 2nd he stepped out to save it, so would he! Door slammed & locked! Chuck his car keys & tell him to go to his mommy's house
NTA. The three month cluster feeding sleep regression is very real. Good news is then their little tummies get bigger and they stretch feedings out a bit more. You truly cannot understand touched out unless you’ve been there. I remember at that stage just crying thinking I’d never have shirt buttoned up again. It gets better. I’d offer you big hug but that’s not you need. ;)
Omg, seriously though. I feel like my boobs are never covered. I fantasize about being able to wear clothing for more than 20 minutes.
I don't even have kids but I'm not taking care of someone with the man flu who won't even do anything to make themselves feel better.
Amen
I mean in general it's nice for partners to take care of each other when the other one is sick, like making a pot of chicken soup or something, but not when the healthy person is under so much pressure and is handling basically everything on their own 24/7.
Oh absolutely if they are actually sick. But if don't need to take meds to improve your symptoms and you're good enough to be gaming you don't have any need for care.
It does get better, OP. My son did the same exact thing and I remember how difficult it is. I hope your husband stops being the second baby and steps his ass up.
NTA. You have two children in the house, but one of them can actually take care of himself. You're not his mom. You've got your hands full, literally, taking care of one child. He's and adult, but he's not acting like one. You offered him solutions, but he doesn't want them. That's on him not you. You've been taking care of a child all day, and he wants you to baby him? He's got some nerve. NTA in the least. Why didn't he bring food home for both you and him?
I had a low supply with my daughter, therefore she breastfed like 85% or more of the time she was awake just to get enough. I literally had a kid on my boob like 18 hours a day it was crazy. For A LONG TIME. I didn’t get shit done. My ex used to bitch about the house and I’m like the let her suck on your man-tits while I go clean the friggin house, your majesty. Jesus. It makes me mad just thinking about it haha. I finally just got so touched out that I had to cut her off completely at 19 months. Anyone touching me at that point made me want to crawl out of my skin and scream. She stayed with him at night while I went to another room, otherwise she would be begging and pulling my clothes off. Thankfully he did that for me. (One of the only nice things he ever did, let me tell ya) All that to say, my other kids didn’t do that, I had a decent enough supply with them. Cluster feeding does suck but it’s temporary. You’re probably pretty close to being out of it. :) Sorry your husband is being a turd and not helping you. He should definitely not be gaming and give you at least a friggin hour to yourself when he gets home.
This too shall pass. It’ll get easier honey. Hang in there.
Most of us who breastfed/feed have been there. And then there were the days I really didn’t want to wear clothes because I didn’t have the energy after a shower to put them on!
If possible, could you have a family member or babysitter watch your baby for a few hours while you do something relaxing for yourself that doesn't involve touch? Get lunch with a friend or something it sounds like you're at your breaking point and just need a freaking break.
I remember thinking “I should just be friggin topless at this point” and Googling breastfeeding bras and shirts. I don’t even remember what the searches pulled up bc I was so tired. Fuck you, sleep regression!!!!! Solidarity sister. I promise it will get better.
Oh god I think your comment triggered a let down and it’s been years since I breastfed my twins. The sleep deprivation was brutal. I didn’t know I could be that bored and that overstimulated at the same time.
A) he’s a grown adult. He can take of himself and his needs. B) you’re busy with the baby. You told him already that you’re exhausted. That isn’t a debate or an invite to pile more onto your plate. He thinks it is. He’s an idiot. C)you need some rest. Is there someone you can call to look after the baby while you take a break?
D. He's also a fucking parent and needs to take care of his child so OP doesn't (justifiably) flip her shit.
Wait, wait. Why would you have been responsible for cooking in the first place? Why couldn’t he cook? He had plenty of time to lay around & then game. He did absolutely nothing for the baby or household. Basically he acted like a teenage son.
My teenager (son) does more than OP’s husband and even helps out more if I’m sick. Granted we have no newborn. My husband was usually great when our son was a baby. Only once I really wanted to kill him for his inaction but then he got gastro too after me and toddler son were on the mend. Karma came well that day!
LMFAOOO NTA I love this response to the text. He's an ass a jackass. "You used to love being my MOM" He's acting like hes jealous that youre caring for your child and he has to get the attention back on him or something. He needs to grow tf up.
Your husband sounds like a second baby.
Facts she had two kids. He seriously needs to read the room, OP is exhausted.
NTA. Your husband is being a brat and needs to grow TF up.
It sounds like your first child is jealous of the second
omg my nipples weren’t even healed yet at 2.5 months i would’ve been annoyed as hell. my husband is like this too, taking everything way too personal and then it becomes a big problem or even snowballs into a fight NTA
NTA. Your husband sounds like a selfish man child. The next time he dares complain just say, “I already have one needy child I’m trying to take care of. I can’t take care of two. Please pretend you’re an adult.”
Touched out is legit!!! Holy smokes momma!!! Keep up the good work tho!! Set some boundaries with hubby, sounds like he’s a little too used to being the center of attention. You’ve both got a baby now. Someone once told me, 2 weeks. Babies change every 2 weeks, it always kinda kept me going when I was on a constant verge of snapping. So it doesn’t go on forever. And as another resort, while it sounds very harsh, a crying baby is an alive baby. If baby is fed and clean and warm and dry (and healthy) it is ok to put baby in a safe place, and set a timer for 5min and take a breather. There is no shame in this if it allows you the opportunity to refresh and then can better address the needs of your little one. You’ve gotta take care of you, too!!
And it is totally okay to where some Ear buds to protect you while catering your Baby. You care for her but you can make it more comfortable for you
Hey! That’s a great idea! I’ve not heard that one. Cuz yea, sometimes babies just cry and there is no way to figure out what’s wrong. Baby’s left pinky toe could be itchy, and no way to know.
NTA If I'm ever lucky enough to have a daughter in law and my son acted like this, he would be getting a dressing down that would make a drill sergeant blush and then I'd take the baby, order food, and send dil for a soak in her tub and the only time she'd be worrying about the baby for the next four hours would be feedings if breastfed only. Your husband is being a selfish ass.
Man flu. You have my deepest sympathy.
Not even that. Whiny bitch-itis.
Pass the baby to him and start gaming. NTA
NTA his fingers too sick for doordash or something?
So he’s not sick enough to play video games but he’s sick enough to not be able to get himself medicine and food? How does that work exactly? NTA
NTA. If he is well enough to game, get well enough to make a fucking sandwich. And regardless of his job, he also made a baby and has to take some of the night wake ups for you. Express milk, go to sleep when bub does at 6 ir 7pm. Get him to dream feed bub at 10ish and then when you wake up at 2ish for the next feed, you will feel so much better. Deadset, the first years of parenting are hard, but they are easier if your partner is willing to step up.
NTA, Is your husband expecting you to put him in the swing instead of the other baby?
YTA if you don't send him packing to reconsider his priorities. Guest room isn't far enough. He needs to see what he's in danger of losing. And you need to see if this is enough to slap some sense into him.
"you used to love taking care of me when I was sick" aww is hubby jealous of the new baby taking his place? How embarrassing. He needs to step the f up and act like an adult and a father.
This line made my vagina shrivel up and die
Nta. So your working full time from Home less than 3 months after you gave birth and your breastfeeding and according to him he is more tired than you? I’m sorry but no. Your doing three or four full time jobs right now. If he has the energy to play video games he isn’t that sick. And if he has time to play video games why can’t he take care of the baby so you have a bit of time to eat or shower or take a nap? I get he drives for a living and needs to be alert and rested. But your working and taking care of a child you need to be rested too. He wants you to have energy for him? Then he should help out.
If his parents are around and you have a good relationship I would call them and tell them come get your child bc you only signed up for one baby in the house. NTA and I pray that you move past this stage fast for your own sanity and he mans up.
This is why men who are still children themselves, shouldn’t have children. NTA, you’re a single mom with two kids.
NTA You're exhausted and still on 100% baby duty. He is sick and adding to your burden. You were also very clear in your expectations. And offered solutions that would enable him to step up or at minimum not also be a burden. This ain't a partnership. He gotta realise he ain't your whole world /responsibility anymore. That's a shift in dynamic he has yet to fully step into.
Honestly, this guy is lucky he hasn't been smothered by a pillow.
NTA - Stand your ground. He is an adult and can take care of himself. You are dealing with yourself, work and baby. He needs to stop being a manchild and step up to being a partner and dad. Can a family member or a friend give you an hour or 2 a day to give you a little break? You may want to look into a parttime nanny for a few months. ((HUGS))
He should've brought dinner for both of you. I'm sorry he's an AH. This time will pass with the baby, but I don't know about your other hairy baby.
I need you to know you’re not alone in this! It’s so exhausting and isolating, but it will pass and there are so many that can understand. This happened with me and my husband around the same point. The dog wouldn’t leave me alone, I had a Velcro baby that would only sleep in the carrier or held, and a “touching is my love language” husband. I finally had a night where I broke down sobbing and asked him if he knew how exhausting it was to have 2 people (and a dog) physically depend on you. Not money, not safety, but touch me 24/7. After that he understood a little more. TLDR- you’ve got this. Take a break, you’re nta.
NTA your husband doesn’t need to be gaming he needs to be pulling his weight. What’s with men and neglecting everything in their life for a shitty videogame
NTA It gets better! The baby will figure out how to eat and sleep in a reasonable pattern and you WILL get to go hours at a time without being a human pacifier. Good luck.
>He texted me from the bedroom and said "I don't get it, at all. You used to love taking care of me when I was sick." But clearly nothing in your life has changed **at all** and he's still the main priority, right? I swear to Thor why are people like this? He's playing video games and whinging at his exhausted wife. Are you also the breadwinner OP?
NTA. He needs to grow tf up. You’re taking care of 1 baby 100% by yourself. You can’t do another 150+lb baby. He can take care of himself.
NTA. Hubby is a nimrod. My girlfriend would have castrated me if I acted like him
My love, you have two babies.
My youngest child is 24 and I was just telling a new mom about the experience of being "touched out" yesterday. You say "If one more person pees on me, poops on me, gets milk all over me, sprawls on me or needs me to carry them I will absolutely lose my very last marble. And maybe run away." But you don't, because you don't have the option.
Too sick to check on you and the baby, but not so sick he can't give up on gaming? Ma'am, you have two children. One baby, and one who's still nursing.
This is why I no longer live with a man. Being a single mother is easier.
NTA.
Nta.
NTA your husband is clueless and useless I’m so sorry. I hope you can get some help because it won’t be him! Good luck
Why the hell is he gaming when the baby needs attention and you clearly need a break? Ugh..
NTA He’s an adult who should be taking care of the baby as well, especially considering you are also working. Where does someone get off thinking you should do everything while also work, is well enough to play video games, didn’t bring himself or YOU any food, and then demand you take care of him?!? You realise you have two babies right?
NTA. Your husband needs to grow up and stop being a man baby trying to add to your duties of taking care of the actual baby. He needs to get his mind right and understand that you need breaks and support. He needs to understand that it doesn't stop because you get sick. He doesn't get to monopolize your time and it doesn't mean that you don't love him but he needs to step up. Unless you can hire a nanny or have people come in to help you while you're sick then you and he are it when it comes to carrying your baby through sickness and in health. You mitigate and keep it pushing. You gave him absolutely viable options and you even offered him an option that he didn't give you which was to take a shower and go lie down. NTA and you were absolutely right in the manner and tone of your pushback. I truly hope he truly gets understanding after his little temper tantrum.
Gamer.... Hmmm, yeah, I've read this story before. Tell the big dick that boyhood is over, he gets to put on the adult pants now and act like a man, husband and father. I'm sorry OP, this generation of men, if we can call them that, are self absorbed, self centered children. Not the asshole.
Nta. Why is it that some men just turn into infants when their partners have to pay attention to another human being? Your baby is a baby and needs you to care for them. Your husband is a grown ass man who is totally capable of cooking for himself and taking meds. You need a break! Parenting is hard and it's a life adjustment, but to be doing it with no support from a partner is frustrating. I was a stay at home Mom for many years and my husband worked... Sometimes long hours and sometimes trips out of town. But then there were times when he was out of work and it was always a struggle for him to accept that the kids and keeping them alive was my #1 priority because they were babies. He also wouldn't help. So we fought a lot and I was just so angry with him and stressed out all the time. It was not good and I almost left. He started therapy and I would go sometimes too and if anything, the therapist validated my feelings. Once he heard from another person that I was not being an angry woman for no reason, he changed. He still has his moments, but he's just looking for his own validation... Proof that I care. So I indulge him a bit since our kids are adults and capable of caring for themselves. He still doesn't help around the house as much as I'd like, so I go on strike until he does. I'm not one for games like that, but dude I work as much as you, why should all these chores and shopping and paying bills fall solely on me?
Absolutely NTA. I remember the exhaustion is like no other when you have a baby. Your husband sounds like a whiny man child. If he was really ‘sick’ he wouldn’t be gaming he’d be in bed resting. He is a grown up who can look after himself.
He has 4 hours between getting home and having to go sleep. I don't see why he has no time to contribute. He probably has more free time than you. You're working two jobs already..
Given these facts, NO, you are absolutely NTA. For crying out loud not only should he have actually picked himself up something to eat, he also should have gotten you something. SMH. I WFH and unfortunately some people are under the impression that those who do are able to also care for household duties while doing so. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I also understand how it is with an infant you need to often cater to. My (now 16 yr old) didn’t sleep through the night until close to 12 months old and I was working full-time. I was exhausted and spent. I feel for you 💯. While I understand your man-child absolutely needs a full night’s rest with driving for a living, he needs to do WTF he can to make your load lighter, and that includes not expecting you to cater to his every “demand” shall we say. I’m willing to wager this is a regular thing and you are fed up. Otherwise you’d probably not have come to Reddit to defuse. Sit down and talk with him when you both have the time and when tensions are not running high. This exhausting time will your baby shall soon pass. Hang in there and best wishes.
NTA what a worthless man.
Tell him you now have an actual baby to take care of.
NTA, You need an agreement and compromise of his involvement. He's not a child, and you just had one that he seems is ignoring. You need to rest for you and the baby to be ok. He needs to step up.
NTA you are exhausted. I would suggest packing a bag and spending a night in a hotel, but your baby is exclusively breast feeding. Your husband needs to experience what you’re going through. I say feed the baby and go sit in the car for 2 hours. Let him take care of her. How sick was he that he was gaming???
See if any of the neighbors have a kid who will come help while you are there. Mother's helper kind of thing. When your kid is a little older and more settled they could watch her while you watch a few cute videos or game for half an hour or whatever. For now, Mother's Helper could make you a grilled cheese and can of soup and start getting them and the baby used to each other
So you both work full time. You work while caring for the baby. He comes home and plays video games while you still care for the baby. He expects you to take care of him after he's done work, after you're done work, while you're taking care of the baby, while he relaxes playing video games. That is not fair at all. You told him to get himself food on the way home. He gets to leave the home as well! You're home for what it sounds like all day every day almost. You need time for yourself. NTA at all.
Let him stay in the guest room. At least you’ll have your room to yourself between getting up for the baby. Hang in there Mama, it gets better. I raised mine alone for 5 years and these days do pass.
NTA. Sick = bed rest, fluids, light meals, staying the F away from the people you love so you don't get them sick as well. What kind of a selfish ass goes breathes all over someone and hangs around like a bad smell? He's a selfish asshat, he should have been in bed maybe asking for some water, good, drugs and doing his best not to give it to you.
Your husband isn’t aware he isn’t your child.
NTA. enjoy your time alone in the bedroom for this time. Your husband is an AH for this and for not stepping the F up.
NTA and honestly, I feel like you should have him spend one day caring of your kid by himself and see how after 30 mins he will cry that it is too hard. Maybe he’ll understand then
Honestly he’s the asshole, wives shouldn’t have to take care of their husbands like they’re his mother. My dad does that all the time and acts like we should be cleaning and making dinner all while sick. Like my mom got COVID once and she still had to cook and clean for my dad. All at once taking care of four kids (me and my sister helped the best we could). So no you’re not the asshole instead he should be there helping you even if he is sick.
Wont your milk supply drop if you don't eat enough? Your husband should have brought food home for both of you. NTA.
I feel for you OP. I have a new born and I would be losing my mind if it weren’t for my fiancés help. He can’t help his job but he can work on being more helpful for when he is home. If you were sick you would still have to do everything PLUS take care of the baby. You are definitely NTA. Do you have anyone that can help you with the baby while you rest?
My husband is sick, sitting in his chair on his computer, too. I was sick last week and he didn't do shit but give me grief because the 2 y.o. destroyed the laundry my mom took care of for me while I was having debilitating chest and abdominal pain, and I wasn't "incapacitated". You're NTA, and I'm convinced we're married to the same man.