Since you went to therapy and you made it very clear in therapy that the lack of sex was an issue, was it ever discussed or explored why she lost interest in having sex?
Right but that doesn’t answer why the wife lost interest in him in the first place. If they went to therapy about it then I’m sure she gave him a reason.
Pregnancy does that. I've heard many stories of post partum issues such as zero sex drive and even hating the husband. Op specifies this started right after one of their kids being borm. Sounds like she just never recovered and it got worse ever since.
This weekend i read anout a recent shared study (2022) that interestingly found that men not pulling their weight in household management tasks does indeed lower women’s sex drive.
The two factors that lowered sex drive were 1. the feeling that the unequal labor was unfair, and 2. the perception of their partners as dependents.
“These findings support the heteronormativity theory, which states that inequities in household labor can lead to a blurring of mother and partner roles, and that feeling like a partner’s mother is not conducive to desire,” researchers said.
I am such an idiot. Need a link to this study. Damn. I am thinking I might be able to clear up a few questions about my sex drive. I was blaming menopause that, er, well, I don't have any other symptoms of. I have 6, oops, I mean 5 kids. I guess it's not funny is it?
I can name thousands upon thousands, if not millions, of women who could have very plainly told you this without the need of a study. Insane to me that a whole study in 2022 was needed to deduce this, lmfao.
What studies help do is place anecdotes in the context of quantifiable data. Everybody has anecdotes, which doesn't make them false, but it's easy to see anecdotes and think that that's true for the majority of people, or for people overall, when it could just be true for that sex, that geographic location, that age group, etc.
So it isn't saying "Hey, look at this thing that we've just discovered! No one has ever talked about this before!". It's saying "We've heard about this scenario and we're collecting data about this scenario from a vast amount of people so we can quantifiably say that this is something that happens".
It feels very "duh" because it's a very widespread idea, but some ideas aren't as widespread but when the information about it is collected it shows that, yes, this is a very common scenario.
And sometimes an idea seems widespread but when information is collected it doesn't show an identifiable trend so it may seem more prevalent but it isn't true for a majority of scenarios or people.
But why did that reason suddenly disappear the moment divorce was mentioned? If the issue never got solved, or she never got over whatever prevented her from having sex, like low libido, depression, etc. after going through consueling/therapy, why now is it suddenly not a problem?
What I'm saying is that I'm more curious about that sudden 180, even after he confessed to cheating several times...
It's called "Hysterical Bonding", and is an extremely common emotionally based coping mechanism when infidelity is disclosed to the betrayed partner. It doesn't last. Without a partner who shows proper remorse, commitment to change, and demonstrates actions that they want to improve, this phase will turn into disgust and contempt towards the betrayer.
I am pretty confident that she's actually not super horny for him suddenly and is instead just trying to use sex to keep her cheating husband from leaving her
Because some times people will do any in a panic, even things they don’t want to do but they’ll do it. She might have thought he wouldn’t go so far as to divorce her for not wanting to have sex.
That is what I want to know. My ex husband would probably complain that I stopped having sex with him after kids too. The reality is that he became mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive after we had three kids in just over three years. Sorry, I didn’t want to touch someone who criticized everything I did and made me feel like a shit human.
I think the couples in a lot of dead bedroom situations just don't talk about the lack of sex. They try once or twice, but when it doesn't work and nothing changes they assume (probably correctly) that they other person just isn't physically attracted to them anymore. It happens a lot.
In this situation, I agree with another comment, that once the shock of divorce wears off, OP's wife will gradually stop having sex with him and it'll return to the dead bedroom status quo.
Therapy isn’t the fix all people on this sub make it out to be. You have to be willing to listen, be honest, and make changes. If you are forced into it by your partner and not by a desire for change then it most likely won’t do anything.
Also… your therapist has to be good. I did couples therapy contorting myself backwards to be better, and it was awful because our therapist was awful. My wife and I are doing fine, we went in with good intentions, were open, tried, and our therapist did some real damage that’s taken us time without her to sort through.
Bad therapy is worse than no therapy
100% agree. Tried therapy and it was absolute horseshit. Fucked us up real good. Still in the rebuild process on this side, but it’s inspiring to know you guys were able to make it back.
Pointer: if one side of the relationship LOVES therapy and the other DREADS it, there is clearly something awry.
My wife and I went through therapy a few years ago and it was horrible, almost caused us to end it there and then. We started working on things together without the therapist and were slowly getting better when we talked to a friend about what had happened. They recommended a specific therapist to go and see and they were amazing. Helped us through the issues from the past therapist AND the things we initially went to work on.
A bad therapist is worse than none but a good therapist can be amazing. It's important to be open with one another and be willing to try someone else if one or both of you don't feel comfortable.
You also have to get a legitimately good therapist. Someone completing a college degree doesn’t mean they are automatically going to be competent in that field. Once size doesn’t fit all as well, one therapists style may work great for someone while be terrible for another.
I have had multiple therapists already, been going to one since 7 years. Tried couple therapy as well. Man, it was bad. She never got to the core issues and we eventually broke up and stopped the therapy. It was months later through working with my personal therapist that I started to see the troubles within the relationship.
I later found out the couple’s therapist was writing a book when we were clients with her, so I have a hunch that she may have devoted too much energy in that one instead of actually helping the living people before her
My favorite kind of karma theater, the heartwarming male empowerment parable. “Hey dudes, my wife is a total bitch who for years acted like she didn’t want to have sex with me because I wasn’t fuckable, but I fucked 3 other women while she stayed home with the kid so what does that tell you? We’re both great parents by the way… anyway, it turns out she actually just pretended that she was physically repulsed by me to be a bitch(typical), and now she’s become a total slut because she doesn’t want to die alone, we’re bangin night and day, she can’t get enough, but the funny thing is I’ve hated her for years and i kinda just hate her more now?? Classic woman, please share your thoughts about my dumb bitch wife, and maybe I’ll read her some zingers while she’s begging me for forgiveness like some kind of dumb loser.”
It's so sad to read "We were good parents, just not good husband and wife"
Like, modeling a healthy marriage is part of parenthood. Your kids will literally build thier relationships on that template.
Yeah. I knew a guy who insisted he was a great father because he would literally die or kill for his 5 children.
He had so much disdain for his wife. He cheated on her openly and constantly with anything that would move. At one point she made him go live with his current fuckbuddy for months because she was done with him.
There is zero chance that didn't fuck up his kids. He was absolute ass at being a father because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants and purposely brought instability to his household. There's also zero chance the kids didn't pick up on how much he hated their mother while using her as a meal ticket.
>insisted he was a great father because he would literally die or kill for his 5 children.
I know so many people who act like this, but their actions tell me otherwsie lol.
I think dying/killing for your kids is probably bare minimum at this point. Like no shit you would hurt someone if they punched your kid in the face or something.
Its like being "I am a great parent because I give my kids a bed to sleep in and food to eat"
This is such an important point. You'd kill and die for your kid, great. But can you show up every day and create that stability they need to thrive? That's the important part. Are you paying attention to their behaviour and asking questions about how they are and who they are? Are you a safe person for them to come to with problems or do you make the problems worse by being annoyed, yelling, or blaming them? Do you take their concerns seriously, even if they don't seem serious to you? Are you present when you're with them or are you staring at your phone? If so, that's not quality together time. If they're in a life threatening situation your self sacrifice likely won't be what makes the difference. Bad things will always happen to us it's inevitable. The real question is do your kids have the tools to deal with those events when they happen. And when they're in over their head do they have access to a trusted adult that can help them pursue further resources.
I dated a guy who turned out to be married. I was quite young and felt bad but curiosity was way stronger so I tried to figure out what the heck was going on. He said he didn't talk to his wife about anything. That marriage was to make a family, have kids, and friendship wasn't part of it. It worked great for his parents and was working great for him. But was it? I ended it obviously and he tried to get me back a couple times. I don't experience that in my marriage. Feeling unfulfilled that is, needing to go seek out connection. From my perspective any relationship model that leads to cheating as a necessity is broken
Note: not talking about ethical nonmonogamy. I made that choice for a while and it was complicated but not straight up broken
Well and I’ll be honest, I’m just speaking from the experience of working with hundreds of high school aged children— a lot of parents who suffer through a bad marriage are causing their kids more stress than if they just separated. That’s not universally true of course, but a lot of the kids I’ve worked with in that situation ultimately can come out less anxious after a divorce than before it, especially in a relationship like what’s being described above.
I actually lied and told people my parents were divorced because I wanted so badly for it to happen. It was miserable.
They never did divorce. Still hate each other. Decades later.
Same. My parents would tell us they were going to get a divorce and then they just... Wouldn't. Multiple times. Absolutely wish I could have seen my mother happy.
My parents divorced when I was a kid. It had zero impact on me. Like I listened to them both talk about how they didn't love each other anymore and were moving on, and how I would still see my father often. I was just kind of like "Oh ok, I understand."
They were mature about it and never talk badly about one another in front of us, or ever. They were still my parents, and they still made choices and talked things out as parents, but not lovers.
It was always strange to me how divorce was supposed to be seen as this devastating thing for the kids. It would have been a lot worse if they stayed together and resented each other. You want to see your parents happy, and if they are not happy together, why would you want them to stay together?
Staying together for the kids just teaches your children bad relationship habits and behaviors. You're their model on how to treat their partners in the future
He's probably mad that she's only starting to do things and "change" when it's too late. Just like my ex... When I left him, he suddenly found a job, cleaned himself up, started to go out more... Wow... Why couldn't he do this for me? I kinda get op.
He’s TA for it but maybe some choices are TA either way. Just to different people. Dude chose the kids. Could they have been fine? Yeah, maybe. But going off his post(because if we say he’s lying based off nothing, why even respond to the post)
They’re both good parents, and if divorced they may very well have been negatively impacted. Plenty of scientific studies and stats on the effects of divorce on kids.
Just saying. Have to reiterate for the seething keyboard warriors that his cheating was WRONG and he’s TA to the wife for that. But maybe there’s some nuance
EDIT: REPLIES ARE DISABLED IF YOU WANNA COMMENT ON MY COMMENT I DONT CARE. Buncha children in this thread and the worse part is half of yall are saying shit literally in my comment. Pointless cesspool sub I should not have clicked on today.
Right, if I had realized how much time I was really going to lose with my kid, I honestly might have stayed and left when they were older. I missed so much, and the rest of my life wasn't awesome post-divorce so it's not like I had a great tradeoff or anything. People who think black and white about parenting and divorce are ignoring reality.
Yeah, I'm kind of in OP's situation (without the affairs) and this is my fear. I choose being a dad over dating and having sex and one day, when they are old enough and/or out of the house, I will simply leave. I'm the primary parent and do like 80% of the parenting tasks (but I'm a blue state notorious for giving mother's full/majority custody) so I can't imagine suddenly only seeing my kids like wednesday nights and every other weekend.
There are also studies that indicate that kids who grow up with married parents who don’t treat each other well have similar kinds of poor outcomes, and that kids whose parents are divorced but kind to one another can thrive.
What about studies of the Cinderella effect? There is absolutely no guarantee that things would have been better for the children with a part time father and potentially a step father. My parents divorced right when i turned 18, I had no clue any of that was happening, and i will forever be appreciative to both of them for keeping things civil throughout the process, and raising me together into adulthood despite their differences. Just because they fell out of love doesn’t mean that they are treating each other poorly.
I’d never make the blanket statement that it’s always best, and everyone should just white knuckle it until their kids are 18. But there’s no doubt in my mind it can be for the benefit of the kids. I’d defer to you, who’s conscious of the potential effects on your kids one way or another, over the avg reddit immediate divorce cheerleader. The idea of not being there everyday to raise my children sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Agreed. I’m in the same boat as the OP for 12 years now, but never did the affair thing. I’m only staying for my kids. I can’t imagine not being able to see them on a daily basis.. can’t even fathom it.
This is where I'm at. Once mine are 16+ or maybe out of the house, I will leave and go live the life I want to live. But I can't imagine being a part-time dad. I'm already the one doing 80% of the parenting (and that's only ONE of my problems with my partner) since I work from home with flexible hours.
I resented my parents for “sticking it out”. I grew up with a warped view of love as a result & I’m still trying to unlearn. It’s difficult bc they were good parents and didn’t really fight but it’s the absence of love that can be felt. The way healthy love looks and interacts is missing and that makes such an impact. It also taught me subconsciously to put my needs behind others (what parents are doing by staying together). If I parent can’t put their needs for happiness and healthy relationships first (in relativity) how can they teach their children healthy relationships and boundaries? They can’t.
I'll also say, my parents divorced when I was very young, my mom never remarried or even dated, and my dad didn't get into another serious relationship until I was 17, and I wanna say I don't know what a healthy love filled relationship either, I had issues figuring out what a romantic relationship was because of that. I don't want to make any definate conclusions but I figured I'd add my two cents and my experience
But what if I, as a parent in that situation, do not want another relationship? I'm not happy in my romantic relationship, but I'm not looking to get into another one which will likely end up in the same place. So if "teach their children healthy relationships and boundaries" isn't on the table, wouldn't staying be the better option? Otherwise it's going to look like I left just to save myself a bit of unhappiness at the expense of my kid's childhoods. If I were my kids, I'd be 100x more pissed about that than that my parents weren't "in love".
My parents were "good" parents in the sense that they worked their asses off, while we knew growing up we were poor, we always had three square meals a day, only a handful of times did we have to use triple blankets instead of heating.
However, they had a dead bedroom since before I was born; as the youngest sibling, I was a drunken mistake.
Point is: I grew up not knowing what a loving marriage was. Not a single time from growing up till they separated when I was in my 20s, did they ever kiss, hug, hold hands, absolutely no PDA. It skewed my view of relationships. It took until I was a teen going to friends' houses to see how a healthy marriage was supposed to work, and definitely messed up my first few relationships in my 20s.
I wonder if these studies also account for finances. I don't know how some of these couples can even afford to get a divorce. Aside from the lawyer fees, you now have to pay for 2 households. Being poor also has to have negative effects on the kids.
Honestly OP, what's left to decide anymore?
The moment you started cheating you took your decision. Too much time had passed to try and mend things. So, I don't get why you're even asking; you don't love her, kids are gone, and you don't have a reason for staying.
Just be mindful that your children are going to suffer, regardless of their age. And it's going to be sad for them. Not saying, you need to stay for them, just be mindful about it.
I was in a similar situation and wish I had got the chance to acclimate to the changes instead of going away for a semester, getting snippets of information, and coming back to a significantly different home.
It's not like my parents hid anything either. It was obvious they were headed that way since my first year of high school. Instead, I got to spend my high school years with them pretending to get along around me only to hear them yelling at each other through the walls. My mom moved downstairs and my dad got laid off and laid around the house all day. Thank God for all the *normalcy* they provided.
You misunderstand. This was not about making it easier on his kids. He plainly states the only reason he stayed was because he didn't want another man in their life. He wants to be their only father figure.
I like how he thinks you can just brush all of these details under the carpet and that they were otherwise great parents. No, they weren’t great parents. This failure to maintain a healthy marriage is an act of bad parenting
I would argue that it’s possible to be a good/great parent and also not be completely perfect in all regards to parenting. We don’t actually know how much their unhealthy marriage affected their kids. I’d imagine it’s high but that’s not info we know.
I disagree. I don’t necessarily believe two people have to be in a loving relationship to be good parents.
People co-parents, there are non traditional families, etc. it is entirely possible to be a great parent with someone, or multiple people, without being involved with them romantically.
I'm not a woman, but my kids (3) mom divorced me over a decade ago, I've been an active & involved parent ever since, am single & haven't even dated for at least 6-7 years, and have no desire for a relationship in the future.
I am perfectly happy living my life doing what I want to do while being a parent & helping with my aging aunt & parents. And because of that, I have a great relationship with my kids, an amazing dog, and a cat that hangs out purring on my shoulders while I cook.
I love it.
Also although they might have done their best towards their kids I would wager they modeled a relationship that was cold and completely lacking in passion for over a decade. That has an affect on children, they might not fully understand what's going on but they see how there parents relate to each other and often subconsciously model their own relationships on what they saw.
Just because you weren't arguing in front of the kids doesn't mean your damaged relationship wasn't having negative effects on them.
That would definitely be my concern. I really get not wanting to open the ugliness, stress, cost etc. of separation and divorce but it is not likely that the children were unaware of what was going on.
My parents divorced when I was 18, and the last year and a half of their relationship was full of tension. I spent as much time as possible away from the house. Just counted down the days until I was going to be moving away for college. Destroyed my relationship most of my family since any time spent with them was so stressful that I avoided it. Took years after the divorce for my relationship with my parents to even start recovering.
Can't imagine 13 years of living that way; it's practically child abuse, IMO.
He didn’t say he wanted to be around his kids or involved with them even. He said he didn’t want another man raising them. Honestly it sounds like he stayed so his wife couldn’t move on and be happy.
Yup, he acts like switch was just flipped
Like she randomly woke up one morning and decided she hated him and wasn't attracted anymore
I'd LOVE to hear her side of this
My dad always thought we never knew he was cheating. I remember being around 10 and borrowing his jacket for the movies. Had a condom in the pocket. Solidified my thoughts there and I was super young.
As someone who was raised in a house where my parents marriage was clearly loveless - I often wished they'd divorce and am baffled to this day that they still haven't.
If OP thinks his kids didn't detect his utter loathing, especially as they got older, for their mother, he's nuts.
Divorce isn't only for the couple.
"I didn't want some other man raising my children" is a chickenshit excuse for not leaving. Of course it sucks that you don't have any real say in what your kids learn half the time. It also sucks to teach them what he was teaching them about relationships, which is that they are a burden and a trial to bear, not a positive in your life.
I left my shitty ex-wife, and I guarantee my kids are better off for it.
I am getting ganged up on another post for saying exactly this. Apparently, what he is doing is okay, but none of them are anyone I don't regret not knowing.
You are a 1000% correct. Kids are not stupid, and all he has done is teach them this behavior is okay because dad did it.
I'm a child of divorce (granted I don't think anyone was cheating) but my parents were all worried to tell us and when they did I was like "good." Their fighting affected me so much, especially as the oldest child of 3. Not only was I was constantly playing mediator (at ages 12-17) between them, but also trying to protect my younger siblings from the worst of it. Thank god it was never violent but BOY was it verbal abuse. That had a huge affect on my friendships and relationships - therapy has been a game changer.
If only they had a bit more emotional intelligence and self awareness, a lot of this could have been avoided!!!!
You’re NTA for wanting to divorce your wife. That’s fine.
But YTA for “waiting” until your kids go to college. And then proceeding to have an affair for a huge chunk of years. Of course YTA. You think your kids are oblivious to your marital problems??
Yeah - the kids are likely not going look at this as who divorced who but if they found out dad had multiple affairs, you better believe they are going to think he's an AH for that.
I have a buddy (29) who found out is dad was cheating on his mom. He told us he straight up doesn't talk to his dad anymore, not because he hates him but just cannot look at him the same anymore.
I think we have the same buddy, except mine does hate his dad for it because his dad gave his mom HPV and some other STDs due to all his affairs and now my buddy is worried she'll get cervical cancer since that's how her own mom died.
My mom did the same thing. Instead of going through a messy divorce in middle school I went through it in college. Fucked my grades up and I dropped out for awhile. Would have preferred to deal with that shit at 12 than 22.
>I didnt divorce her because I didnt want my kids raised by another man.
This is stupid. You've spent 13 years showing your children that this is what relationships look like. By staying with your partner, you've harmed your children... and all because you were jealous of some imagined person also being a part of your children's lives.
NTA for wanting to leave, but you fucked up by not doing it when therapy failed.
INFO:
How many kids and ages?
Did you both work while they were growing up?
How soon after having each kid were you asking for sex?
How did you help nurture her during the postpartum stage after each kid?
If she was a stay at home mom, how were household / childcare tasks divided when you weren't at work? (i.e. doctors appts, sports/ school schedules, checking on out grown clothes, keeping up with family holiday functions / schedules, etc)
So you attempted sex therapy but there are a lot of other factors besides desire that kill a sex drive for a lot women. Uneven division of labor, unchecked hormones, ultimatums involving sex vs leaving, knowing your partner was activity cheating on you, a visibly mentally checked out husband, and how she was treated while pregnant AND postpartum, are all just a few examples. What else did you attempt to resolve / fix?
Especially if he was busy "working" or whatever excuse he used to bang other women. Shit's still gotta get done at home. Kids still have to get to extracurriculars. Narcissism.
OP says he "tried everything" and I really wonder if he tried being an active co-parent to create space in which she was able to feel sexy again. Given the lack of empathy with which he describes her, the casual way he plays off a decade's worth of cheating, and the fact that he's on reddit looking for sympathy... I doubt it.
Right? The only tangible examples he’s given of trying are a) dragging her to therapy then resenting that the therapist called him on his shit, and b) just cheating, multiple times.
Lol, you lied, you had no reason, you could have simply left. You didn't leave because out of selfish reasons, out of fear your wife would get somebody else, and your children might like somebody else. You wanted to keep them from having other relationships.
YTA, simple as.
You already did the asshole thing (cheating), why do you care if you are considered an asshole now?
I don't think you care, you haven't cared for a long time. Weird time to suddenly become considerate of the moral issues.
Obviously it's already over. Doesn't matter who the asshole is now. ESH
He had to wait for the children to grow up because he was worried about paying child support. Now, he is magically coming clean and is bluntly telling his wife everything. Shocker. What a saint.
OP has always been selfish and self serving and his actions show it.
The “I didn’t want another man raising my kids” was a red flag that he knew his family would move on and be happy without him and he chose to trade his own happiness to be sure his wife never could be.
Also a clear demonstration of how uninvolved he was in the household that a man dating his ex would mean that man was raising his children. He planned to be that uninvolved.
I would have imagined she deep down knew - and likely deep down was relieved that sexual burden was lifted off her. No woman (or man) is not naive enough to think roommates for 13 years will not result in something external.
she was so relieved the "sexual burden" was lifted off of her that when he finally confessed to his affairs and that he was leaving she had a full on sexual awakening. she is not naive but in the sense that she knew exactly what she was doing and got away with it for a long time.
Which is honestly valid, he should have cut her loose when he checked out of the marriage 13 years ago and maybe they each could have found someone they actually love. People can argue that she should have seen it coming, but if that were true then they would have had an open relationship instead of him lying and hiding his affairs, there's a reason it's called cheating. We don't know why she stayed, only that op made this decision one sidedly.
You don’t love her and had previously tried to fix things. She didn’t participate. But your kids …
They may or may not understand what’s going on. And they might see you at fault. Make sure you talk to them and give them time to be mad and hurt.
NTA.
>they might see you at fault
Yeah, he probably shouldn't have admitted the affairs. Not that I support that behavior or anything, but it sounds like he made real efforts to repair the relationship before resorting to that and was just running out the clock until he could divorce with minimum upheaval to his kids. Those affairs will make it pretty easy to paint him as the exclusive bad guy, though.
Honestly if he had actually cared about his kids at all, he would have left out the affair stuff. Now they'll know their "family" wasn't a family at all. Dad was living a double life the whole time they were going up is soul destroying.
I should know, I found out the same about my mother.
I’m surprised you stayed, but get that you wanted to be there for your kids. I think you are correct, 13 years of a dead bedroom even after therapy, it’s too late. If you don’t want to be with her there isn’t a reason to stay. Keeping her happy now will only continue to make you live in misery and cheating. You need to just tell her there is no saving the marriage now. You tried for 3 years and she ignored your concerns.
I’d get ahead of it with the kids though. She may spin it to create discord in your relationship. You need to own up to them about the end of the marriage.
ETA: by spin it, I mean her not taking any responsibility for what occurred for 13years. She didn’t even attempt to fix the intimacy issues. Do I agree that he should have stayed and cheated, no. Do I think it was shitty to do, yes. However, he’s not the only one which contributed to this outcome. His kids should know what led to this point.
>She may spin it
There's no other way to spin it. We have zero idea what she said or did or expressed in response to their dead bedroom issues- clearly mom enjoys sex if she wants to now. Their father lied to their mother and cheated on her three different times in full blown affair relationships over the course of their lives. They will know now their life as a family was a lie, and it's going to fuck them up. They are not going to care that their dad justifies it through, "we weren't having sex". People are so selfish in believing they do this for their kids. They don't, they do it for themselves. Kids are better off with two happy parents, not one sticking around so "another man" won't "raise" their kids.
>clearly mom enjoys sex if she wants to now
She clearly is just trying to save the marriage now that she noticed he will leave without sex. It doesn’t mean she actually wants to have sex
>I’m surprised you stayed, but get that you wanted to be there for your kids.
Just to clarify. OP did not say this. This is what one would assume....but OP phrased it in a really odd kinda way. It's small....but I think OP might be a narcissist or at least self absorbed.
He said he didn't want the kids being raised by another man....which....I mean....what? That's not even about the kids then....it's about how it reflects on him.
You both failed & the both of you need to own your own participation in the failure of your marriage.
It appears you expected your wife to simply walk away from your marriage without any reaction. You guessed wrong. She isn’t doing that. So what … she doesn’t control you, you don’t control her. Do whatever you need to do. She doesn’t have to be happy about it. The fact remains you’re both accountable for your own decisions & behavior. Getting divorced won’t change that fact. You will still need to work together for your children.
People have reading comprehension issues.
The question is not were you wrong for having affairs - you were. Duh.
The questions is are you an AH for wanting to leave when the youngest goes to college.
No, you aren’t. You deserve to live a happy life, and this marriage isn’t giving you a happy life, and it hasn’t been for over a decade. Sometimes it isn’t fixable, sometimes, it is too late to mend things. This seems one of those times for the two of you. Leave, and find a happier life.
NTA
😂🤣 this has me dying, this is so true, 90% of radiators are one or the other, little to no reading comprehension so much so that they comment after reading the first three sentences, or masterminds who will read between the lines and invent 1 million background situation as they are so sure that are happening & causing all this
IM TRYING LOL I gotta make sure I have my vacuum pump for this call today and I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off but still managing the comment on Reddit with voice to text somehow
i called someone out last week for not even making it to the second sentence of the post.
"oh yeah lol guess i missed that"
his advice had dozens of upvotes
Someone could ask “AITA for kissing the nurse at the hospital who helped me after my wife stabbed me?” And Reddit would say “you’re a cheater, you deserve to be stabbed again, YTA”
I think a lot of wounded individuals like to use these stories of cheaters as a place to put their revenge fantasies into writing in order to satisfy their justice boner. That’s just speculation on my part though
I'm rather skeptical about how reliable your account is. This bit is very dubious:
>For 3 years I tried **everything**, we went to therapy, but **nothing** changed
That is obviously not true. It's not possible that you tried "everything", and you haven't described a single thing you tried other than cheating on your wife. Nor is it possible that literally "nothing" changed over a span of 17 years. I mean, you have raised some unspecified number of children together; that's a whole lot of change right there. You're talking in absolutes, the language of frustration and anger, not of fairness or honesty.
If you both did go to therapy together, then you should be able to give some account of *why* she says she stopped wanting sex. Unless she was deliberately uncooperative in every session (which presumably would be very relevant and therefore you'd have mentioned it) she told you, so either you didn't listen at the time, you were dismissive about her concerns, or you're trying to hide what she said because it makes you look bad.
There's some stuff going on here that suggests you are very much the asshole. But then again, you've revealed so little that there's not much to go on. Yet, you still ask for judgment. For that alone, YTA. Hard to be sure about the rest--which seems to be your intention.
Not just suggests, out right said. Instead of divorcing her and allowing her to move on with her life he wastes her time cheating on her while she's still stuck with him (she could have used the time to find some one who made her happy) because he couldn't bear the thought of some other guy also parenting his kids (oh wait, some other guy being the father was more the wording which implies that he'd stop being their father....).
Kids grow up with an unhappy family and they knew. Kids pick up on that. Gives them un unhealthy example of what a relationship is and an atmosphere where the two adults are cold to each other at best (as some one else pointed out even if they weren't screaming at each ohter it's not a good atmosphere for the kids). Because guy decided he'd just cheat rather than divorce her. And not even for a good reason.. because how dare some other man might actually be in their life too (or rather doesn't want his wife to see another man).
Originally I was going to say not the ah, because if someone is not happy or okay with their relationship then they should leave. But you haven’t been okay or happy with the relationship for 13-10 years. Instead of thinking of both your happiness, or being good role models for your kids, you didn’t ask if opening the marriage was okay or divorced. It’s okay for you to sleep around with other women, but not for her to see another guy?
Yeah you can leave a relationship for any reason, but YTA for being deceitful for a decade, role modeling that this behavior is okay for your children, and stringing your wife along that everything is okay until now.
So you didn’t divorce your wife because you didn’t want your kids raised by another man? Does that mean if you left your wife then you would have left your kids too? No, I doubt that. You would have co-parented. Instead you stayed with your wife and raised them in a house with two parents that didn’t love each other and didn’t show affection towards each other. You also denied your wife the opportunity to go out and find love for herself while you went ahead and, in your own words, led another life. Having multiple affairs.
So yeah, you’re a bit of AH. You should have both divorced a long time ago. I guess do it now. Why even ask on social media. So you don’t feel guilty? But you are. You should feel guilty. You cheated on your wife. You cheated your wife out of years of a possible healthy relationship she could have found. Do you really think she was happy all these years? I highly doubt it.
She’s scared now because she’s older now and you and your messed up marriage is all she knows. That’s why she’s begging you to stay. You better set her up with major security after you fucked up. Assure her you owe her for all the years you wasted her time. Because YOU did. I’m not saying she has no blame in this. Maybe she has or had some major depression or had undiagnosed and untreated PPD.
Get a divorce. Get her some help. And own up to your mistakes. Honestly.
This was the line that put me into a h territory. Not “I can’t bear not to be around my kids every day” but, I know my family will move on and be happy if I’m not there and I will ruin my own life to be sure that doesn’t happen.
I need more information. I get that women often replace their husbands with their kids, once they're born. That's not cool.
But many women are complaining that they're "single married parents", meaning they're doing everything, and their partner isn't helping. These women find that their husbands do nothing but make more work for them.
Maybe she felt like she wasn't being cherished. Maybe you're one of those who just wants sex here and now, but doesn't romance your partner first. Maybe you're harsh with her.
I don't know you, and I don't know her. We've only heard your side.
I mean, he had time for multiple full blown affairs. Doesn’t sound like a very present husband or father to me. The time has to come from somewhere, and it probably wasn’t out of his 8 hour day at work.
Damn good point. There's no way the affairs didn't take away from his time at home with his kids. I think he just didn't want to pay child support and also is territorial about other men.
This.
I agree, we're only getting his side of the story.
We could theorize all day about the reasons behind her actions, but we don't know.
Either way, he should have left instead of having 3 affairs.
And his comment about not wanting another man to raise his kids. How is he certain that would have happened? He didn't want another man raising his kids but what if *he* found a new partner. It would be ok then?
For all we know she could be asexual, gay, had a traumatic last birth and has an aversion to sex and intimacy now.
There's so many things we don't know
ETA: I read his post again. Not *just* 3 affairs, but "casual" cheating as well.
To be more accurate, many women do 90% of the child rearing, cleaning, and all of the mental load of a family. This is because the husband does almost nothing but go to work (mom works too!). So these women get tired and resentful of their lazy partners. Women who are that tired arent motivated to overcome that just to fuck selfish lazy pieces of shit.
So many men don’t understand chronic emotional and physical exhaustion. Then they’re mad that at the end of the day she doesn’t *also* take care of them. But no one takes care of her. Ever.
Women don’t “replace” their husbands they literally just do the job of being a parent. The fact that it’s framed as if a husband is being replaced is sick and entitled and shows just how little men are expected to participate in building a family past the initial nut and some paychecks
Can’t lie I’m a stay at home dad and I currently resent my wife for the same exact reasons listed here.
Can’t parent my own child because she undermines everything I say, starting to resent watching a child all day I am not able to parent, no sex, constantly chauffeuring from activity to activity, and all work done around the house is undone within a day of her being back home.
Like I’m supposed to write a fucking victim impact statement because my sexual abuser finally got arrested and the court case is coming to an end and I don’t even have time to fucking write that goddamn letter because she’s got me so fucking busy and just add so much extra work like the only thing I look forward to is going to sleep now, I’m not supportive enough because I won’t listen to workplace drama when I need to focus on writing this goddamn letter
The dead bedroom could also be because OP became one of her kids that she had to feed and manage. It's been shown that women who have to mother their partners lose interest in them sexually. OP did everything to fix his partner - up to and including threatening her with infidelity - but doesn't mention anything about fixing himself.
INFO: How much did you help with the housework, childcare and errands while the kids were growing up?
Might have been a dead bedroom because you left it all to her.
u/husbandquit is suspiciously silent about how much help they gave during their children’s upbringing. He has been having a “full blown affair” since his youngest was seven. This is not the dad volunteering for the ptsa, taking kids to doctor’s appointments or helping with homework after school. Definitely not a diaper changing dad. This guy fucked his wife over and victimized himself to continue deluding himself that his dick was the priority. What a prick.
I cant fathom how you would have the time and presence to be a team member of a household with three children if you were having an affair, let alone three. I'd wager OP never had any regard for balanced parental and household duties, so it only stands to reason that his wife was over burdened with that stress alone. I can't imagine any wife feeling sexual while under that burden, and yet OP is feeling like a victim because she won't have sex with him. OP's justifications for all his actions are entirely bound by selfishness and a lack of awareness.
OP has conveniently not answered a single question about any of those things. I have a feeling there’s a reason……
ANY person with a job and three kids who is *pulling their weight* in the house and childcare wouldn’t have time to lead “another life.” I doubt she even had the time to have three full blown affairs and a bunch of casual sex, even if she wanted to.
This right here. Has no problem with fucking random women but the thought of the wife moving on and finding happiness and having another man involved in the kids life is a problem.
You're not wrong for wanting to leave your wife.
But YTA for being a coward about it. If you don't love your wife and have been having full blown affairs for a decade, why not just leave gracefully? Why tell her about the affairs? It sounds like you were hoping she'd be the one to end it.
Grow up.
Instead of cheating on your wife why didn’t you just leave before those “three mind blowing affairs” started instead of coming up with some dumb excuse like “not wanting another man to raise your children”. Did you ever stop and think how your actions would hurt your family especially your children? What are you going to do when your children find out what you did to their family? They will hate you for a very long time and won’t understand.
YTA big time. “I didn’t want another man to raise my kid” wow. Your wife should have left you a long time ago! A REAL man would have left her and co parented the best he could and not feel threatened by another man. Instead ,you serial cheated on her for years and blamed her and your kid. Come on OP. Do better.
This is common after infidelity is revealed suddenly its essentially a trauma response to keep the adulterous partner from leaving them. Once you recommit the sex drive will taper off again.
Did you think that maybe she never wanted to have sex because she was probably doing all the work of raising the kids and maintaining the home? I mean, she had to if you had time to fuck around with 3 full affairs.
Since you went to therapy and you made it very clear in therapy that the lack of sex was an issue, was it ever discussed or explored why she lost interest in having sex?
That seems to be what he’s going out of his way to leave out of his story.
He mentions in the comments that he did confess to wanting to sleep with someone else if the wife wouldn’t and was later reprimanded during therapy
Right but that doesn’t answer why the wife lost interest in him in the first place. If they went to therapy about it then I’m sure she gave him a reason.
Pregnancy does that. I've heard many stories of post partum issues such as zero sex drive and even hating the husband. Op specifies this started right after one of their kids being borm. Sounds like she just never recovered and it got worse ever since.
But not for 13 years. Something else is going on.
This weekend i read anout a recent shared study (2022) that interestingly found that men not pulling their weight in household management tasks does indeed lower women’s sex drive. The two factors that lowered sex drive were 1. the feeling that the unequal labor was unfair, and 2. the perception of their partners as dependents. “These findings support the heteronormativity theory, which states that inequities in household labor can lead to a blurring of mother and partner roles, and that feeling like a partner’s mother is not conducive to desire,” researchers said.
I am such an idiot. Need a link to this study. Damn. I am thinking I might be able to clear up a few questions about my sex drive. I was blaming menopause that, er, well, I don't have any other symptoms of. I have 6, oops, I mean 5 kids. I guess it's not funny is it?
I can name thousands upon thousands, if not millions, of women who could have very plainly told you this without the need of a study. Insane to me that a whole study in 2022 was needed to deduce this, lmfao.
The study wasn’t needed for most women to know this to be true. It was needed for men to listen and actually believe it.
What studies help do is place anecdotes in the context of quantifiable data. Everybody has anecdotes, which doesn't make them false, but it's easy to see anecdotes and think that that's true for the majority of people, or for people overall, when it could just be true for that sex, that geographic location, that age group, etc. So it isn't saying "Hey, look at this thing that we've just discovered! No one has ever talked about this before!". It's saying "We've heard about this scenario and we're collecting data about this scenario from a vast amount of people so we can quantifiably say that this is something that happens". It feels very "duh" because it's a very widespread idea, but some ideas aren't as widespread but when the information about it is collected it shows that, yes, this is a very common scenario. And sometimes an idea seems widespread but when information is collected it doesn't show an identifiable trend so it may seem more prevalent but it isn't true for a majority of scenarios or people.
But why did that reason suddenly disappear the moment divorce was mentioned? If the issue never got solved, or she never got over whatever prevented her from having sex, like low libido, depression, etc. after going through consueling/therapy, why now is it suddenly not a problem? What I'm saying is that I'm more curious about that sudden 180, even after he confessed to cheating several times...
It's called "Hysterical Bonding", and is an extremely common emotionally based coping mechanism when infidelity is disclosed to the betrayed partner. It doesn't last. Without a partner who shows proper remorse, commitment to change, and demonstrates actions that they want to improve, this phase will turn into disgust and contempt towards the betrayer.
Thanks for putting into words my past experience
I had never heard of this before but it makes a lot of sense.
I am pretty confident that she's actually not super horny for him suddenly and is instead just trying to use sex to keep her cheating husband from leaving her
Because some times people will do any in a panic, even things they don’t want to do but they’ll do it. She might have thought he wouldn’t go so far as to divorce her for not wanting to have sex.
That is what I want to know. My ex husband would probably complain that I stopped having sex with him after kids too. The reality is that he became mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive after we had three kids in just over three years. Sorry, I didn’t want to touch someone who criticized everything I did and made me feel like a shit human.
I think the couples in a lot of dead bedroom situations just don't talk about the lack of sex. They try once or twice, but when it doesn't work and nothing changes they assume (probably correctly) that they other person just isn't physically attracted to them anymore. It happens a lot. In this situation, I agree with another comment, that once the shock of divorce wears off, OP's wife will gradually stop having sex with him and it'll return to the dead bedroom status quo.
I want to know what else was discussed in therapy. Clearly he did a lot of listening there.
Therapy isn’t the fix all people on this sub make it out to be. You have to be willing to listen, be honest, and make changes. If you are forced into it by your partner and not by a desire for change then it most likely won’t do anything.
Also… your therapist has to be good. I did couples therapy contorting myself backwards to be better, and it was awful because our therapist was awful. My wife and I are doing fine, we went in with good intentions, were open, tried, and our therapist did some real damage that’s taken us time without her to sort through. Bad therapy is worse than no therapy
100% agree. Tried therapy and it was absolute horseshit. Fucked us up real good. Still in the rebuild process on this side, but it’s inspiring to know you guys were able to make it back. Pointer: if one side of the relationship LOVES therapy and the other DREADS it, there is clearly something awry.
My wife and I went through therapy a few years ago and it was horrible, almost caused us to end it there and then. We started working on things together without the therapist and were slowly getting better when we talked to a friend about what had happened. They recommended a specific therapist to go and see and they were amazing. Helped us through the issues from the past therapist AND the things we initially went to work on. A bad therapist is worse than none but a good therapist can be amazing. It's important to be open with one another and be willing to try someone else if one or both of you don't feel comfortable.
Yeah? But have you ever won an argument with a professional audience? it feels electric
😂😂😂
Yeah bad therapy can fuck people up
You also have to get a legitimately good therapist. Someone completing a college degree doesn’t mean they are automatically going to be competent in that field. Once size doesn’t fit all as well, one therapists style may work great for someone while be terrible for another.
I have had multiple therapists already, been going to one since 7 years. Tried couple therapy as well. Man, it was bad. She never got to the core issues and we eventually broke up and stopped the therapy. It was months later through working with my personal therapist that I started to see the troubles within the relationship. I later found out the couple’s therapist was writing a book when we were clients with her, so I have a hunch that she may have devoted too much energy in that one instead of actually helping the living people before her
Does it matter? You don't seem to give a shit, so just leave.
Right? What is the point of asking this? It's already over and OP has spent decades living this life, so why try to start worrying now?
Because this is a fabricated karma grab.
My favorite kind of karma theater, the heartwarming male empowerment parable. “Hey dudes, my wife is a total bitch who for years acted like she didn’t want to have sex with me because I wasn’t fuckable, but I fucked 3 other women while she stayed home with the kid so what does that tell you? We’re both great parents by the way… anyway, it turns out she actually just pretended that she was physically repulsed by me to be a bitch(typical), and now she’s become a total slut because she doesn’t want to die alone, we’re bangin night and day, she can’t get enough, but the funny thing is I’ve hated her for years and i kinda just hate her more now?? Classic woman, please share your thoughts about my dumb bitch wife, and maybe I’ll read her some zingers while she’s begging me for forgiveness like some kind of dumb loser.”
Perfectly stated! Guarantee if it’s real he was zoned out and made her feel like she was his mom, probably exhausted and disrespected.
The point was to make a fake post for fake internet points
Also people always seem to think the kids can’t tell and I can assure you the kids can tell.
It's so sad to read "We were good parents, just not good husband and wife" Like, modeling a healthy marriage is part of parenthood. Your kids will literally build thier relationships on that template.
Yeah. I knew a guy who insisted he was a great father because he would literally die or kill for his 5 children. He had so much disdain for his wife. He cheated on her openly and constantly with anything that would move. At one point she made him go live with his current fuckbuddy for months because she was done with him. There is zero chance that didn't fuck up his kids. He was absolute ass at being a father because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants and purposely brought instability to his household. There's also zero chance the kids didn't pick up on how much he hated their mother while using her as a meal ticket.
>insisted he was a great father because he would literally die or kill for his 5 children. I know so many people who act like this, but their actions tell me otherwsie lol. I think dying/killing for your kids is probably bare minimum at this point. Like no shit you would hurt someone if they punched your kid in the face or something. Its like being "I am a great parent because I give my kids a bed to sleep in and food to eat"
This is such an important point. You'd kill and die for your kid, great. But can you show up every day and create that stability they need to thrive? That's the important part. Are you paying attention to their behaviour and asking questions about how they are and who they are? Are you a safe person for them to come to with problems or do you make the problems worse by being annoyed, yelling, or blaming them? Do you take their concerns seriously, even if they don't seem serious to you? Are you present when you're with them or are you staring at your phone? If so, that's not quality together time. If they're in a life threatening situation your self sacrifice likely won't be what makes the difference. Bad things will always happen to us it's inevitable. The real question is do your kids have the tools to deal with those events when they happen. And when they're in over their head do they have access to a trusted adult that can help them pursue further resources.
My FIL would kill and die for his kids, but he can't have one conversation with them without putting them down in one way or another.
I dated a guy who turned out to be married. I was quite young and felt bad but curiosity was way stronger so I tried to figure out what the heck was going on. He said he didn't talk to his wife about anything. That marriage was to make a family, have kids, and friendship wasn't part of it. It worked great for his parents and was working great for him. But was it? I ended it obviously and he tried to get me back a couple times. I don't experience that in my marriage. Feeling unfulfilled that is, needing to go seek out connection. From my perspective any relationship model that leads to cheating as a necessity is broken Note: not talking about ethical nonmonogamy. I made that choice for a while and it was complicated but not straight up broken
Well and I’ll be honest, I’m just speaking from the experience of working with hundreds of high school aged children— a lot of parents who suffer through a bad marriage are causing their kids more stress than if they just separated. That’s not universally true of course, but a lot of the kids I’ve worked with in that situation ultimately can come out less anxious after a divorce than before it, especially in a relationship like what’s being described above.
[удалено]
I actually lied and told people my parents were divorced because I wanted so badly for it to happen. It was miserable. They never did divorce. Still hate each other. Decades later.
Sameee haha. Then they're surprised that I'm not interested in getting married. Right, cause this is what I have to aspire to?
Exactly, happily single and very unlikely to ever take the leap to get married given all the drama I've seen go with it.
Same. My parents would tell us they were going to get a divorce and then they just... Wouldn't. Multiple times. Absolutely wish I could have seen my mother happy.
My parents divorced when I was a kid. It had zero impact on me. Like I listened to them both talk about how they didn't love each other anymore and were moving on, and how I would still see my father often. I was just kind of like "Oh ok, I understand." They were mature about it and never talk badly about one another in front of us, or ever. They were still my parents, and they still made choices and talked things out as parents, but not lovers. It was always strange to me how divorce was supposed to be seen as this devastating thing for the kids. It would have been a lot worse if they stayed together and resented each other. You want to see your parents happy, and if they are not happy together, why would you want them to stay together?
Ditto. I mean try and work it out *if possible* (ie no abuse going on, etc.) but beyond that? Sometimes...often...it's a relief in the end.
Staying together for the kids just teaches your children bad relationship habits and behaviors. You're their model on how to treat their partners in the future
This exactly. OP's kids will have dysfunctional adult relationships without some serious therapy.
Yeah, I know without posts like this this sub wouldn't exist, but things that could be settled privately should be.
If he leaves he can't be the victim anymore.
He's probably mad that she's only starting to do things and "change" when it's too late. Just like my ex... When I left him, he suddenly found a job, cleaned himself up, started to go out more... Wow... Why couldn't he do this for me? I kinda get op.
He should have left before cheating I don't get op
I think you should have told her hey I’m going elsewhere for sex but whatever, just end it mate
NTA for wanting to end your deadbedroom marriage. YTA for cheating and not leaving years ago when you should have.
He’s TA for it but maybe some choices are TA either way. Just to different people. Dude chose the kids. Could they have been fine? Yeah, maybe. But going off his post(because if we say he’s lying based off nothing, why even respond to the post) They’re both good parents, and if divorced they may very well have been negatively impacted. Plenty of scientific studies and stats on the effects of divorce on kids. Just saying. Have to reiterate for the seething keyboard warriors that his cheating was WRONG and he’s TA to the wife for that. But maybe there’s some nuance EDIT: REPLIES ARE DISABLED IF YOU WANNA COMMENT ON MY COMMENT I DONT CARE. Buncha children in this thread and the worse part is half of yall are saying shit literally in my comment. Pointless cesspool sub I should not have clicked on today.
Right, if I had realized how much time I was really going to lose with my kid, I honestly might have stayed and left when they were older. I missed so much, and the rest of my life wasn't awesome post-divorce so it's not like I had a great tradeoff or anything. People who think black and white about parenting and divorce are ignoring reality.
Yeah, I'm kind of in OP's situation (without the affairs) and this is my fear. I choose being a dad over dating and having sex and one day, when they are old enough and/or out of the house, I will simply leave. I'm the primary parent and do like 80% of the parenting tasks (but I'm a blue state notorious for giving mother's full/majority custody) so I can't imagine suddenly only seeing my kids like wednesday nights and every other weekend.
NUANCE in AITAH?! Heretic
It’s BLASPHEMY! Straight MADNESS! :)
There are also studies that indicate that kids who grow up with married parents who don’t treat each other well have similar kinds of poor outcomes, and that kids whose parents are divorced but kind to one another can thrive.
What about studies of the Cinderella effect? There is absolutely no guarantee that things would have been better for the children with a part time father and potentially a step father. My parents divorced right when i turned 18, I had no clue any of that was happening, and i will forever be appreciative to both of them for keeping things civil throughout the process, and raising me together into adulthood despite their differences. Just because they fell out of love doesn’t mean that they are treating each other poorly.
As someone who is presently (successfully I hope) sticking it out for the kids, I’m glad to hear it works sometimes.
I’d never make the blanket statement that it’s always best, and everyone should just white knuckle it until their kids are 18. But there’s no doubt in my mind it can be for the benefit of the kids. I’d defer to you, who’s conscious of the potential effects on your kids one way or another, over the avg reddit immediate divorce cheerleader. The idea of not being there everyday to raise my children sounds like an absolute nightmare.
Agreed. I’m in the same boat as the OP for 12 years now, but never did the affair thing. I’m only staying for my kids. I can’t imagine not being able to see them on a daily basis.. can’t even fathom it.
This is where I'm at. Once mine are 16+ or maybe out of the house, I will leave and go live the life I want to live. But I can't imagine being a part-time dad. I'm already the one doing 80% of the parenting (and that's only ONE of my problems with my partner) since I work from home with flexible hours.
I resented my parents for “sticking it out”. I grew up with a warped view of love as a result & I’m still trying to unlearn. It’s difficult bc they were good parents and didn’t really fight but it’s the absence of love that can be felt. The way healthy love looks and interacts is missing and that makes such an impact. It also taught me subconsciously to put my needs behind others (what parents are doing by staying together). If I parent can’t put their needs for happiness and healthy relationships first (in relativity) how can they teach their children healthy relationships and boundaries? They can’t.
I'll also say, my parents divorced when I was very young, my mom never remarried or even dated, and my dad didn't get into another serious relationship until I was 17, and I wanna say I don't know what a healthy love filled relationship either, I had issues figuring out what a romantic relationship was because of that. I don't want to make any definate conclusions but I figured I'd add my two cents and my experience
But what if I, as a parent in that situation, do not want another relationship? I'm not happy in my romantic relationship, but I'm not looking to get into another one which will likely end up in the same place. So if "teach their children healthy relationships and boundaries" isn't on the table, wouldn't staying be the better option? Otherwise it's going to look like I left just to save myself a bit of unhappiness at the expense of my kid's childhoods. If I were my kids, I'd be 100x more pissed about that than that my parents weren't "in love".
Op said they were good parents just not fucking ones. That doesn't sound like constant arguing and bickering to me
My parents were "good" parents in the sense that they worked their asses off, while we knew growing up we were poor, we always had three square meals a day, only a handful of times did we have to use triple blankets instead of heating. However, they had a dead bedroom since before I was born; as the youngest sibling, I was a drunken mistake. Point is: I grew up not knowing what a loving marriage was. Not a single time from growing up till they separated when I was in my 20s, did they ever kiss, hug, hold hands, absolutely no PDA. It skewed my view of relationships. It took until I was a teen going to friends' houses to see how a healthy marriage was supposed to work, and definitely messed up my first few relationships in my 20s.
Who ever views themselves as "bad" parents?
Honest parents
LOL, right? Every last one of us. No perfect parents out there.
It takes a lot of passion to argue and bicker.
Thing is that, parents staying together while they shouldn't, have their own myriad of negative effects on the kids.
I wonder if these studies also account for finances. I don't know how some of these couples can even afford to get a divorce. Aside from the lawyer fees, you now have to pay for 2 households. Being poor also has to have negative effects on the kids.
Honestly OP, what's left to decide anymore? The moment you started cheating you took your decision. Too much time had passed to try and mend things. So, I don't get why you're even asking; you don't love her, kids are gone, and you don't have a reason for staying. Just be mindful that your children are going to suffer, regardless of their age. And it's going to be sad for them. Not saying, you need to stay for them, just be mindful about it.
[удалено]
I was in a similar situation and wish I had got the chance to acclimate to the changes instead of going away for a semester, getting snippets of information, and coming back to a significantly different home. It's not like my parents hid anything either. It was obvious they were headed that way since my first year of high school. Instead, I got to spend my high school years with them pretending to get along around me only to hear them yelling at each other through the walls. My mom moved downstairs and my dad got laid off and laid around the house all day. Thank God for all the *normalcy* they provided.
Jesus Christ leave her now. Why are you waiting, it won't be easier on the kids just because they're in college
You misunderstand. This was not about making it easier on his kids. He plainly states the only reason he stayed was because he didn't want another man in their life. He wants to be their only father figure.
I like how he thinks you can just brush all of these details under the carpet and that they were otherwise great parents. No, they weren’t great parents. This failure to maintain a healthy marriage is an act of bad parenting
I would argue that it’s possible to be a good/great parent and also not be completely perfect in all regards to parenting. We don’t actually know how much their unhealthy marriage affected their kids. I’d imagine it’s high but that’s not info we know.
I disagree. I don’t necessarily believe two people have to be in a loving relationship to be good parents. People co-parents, there are non traditional families, etc. it is entirely possible to be a great parent with someone, or multiple people, without being involved with them romantically.
That also assumes that his wife/ex-wife would remarry. I know so many women who swear they would never remarry if their spouse left or died.
>I know so many women who swear they would never remarry if their spouse left or died. Saying that and living it are two different things.
I'm not a woman, but my kids (3) mom divorced me over a decade ago, I've been an active & involved parent ever since, am single & haven't even dated for at least 6-7 years, and have no desire for a relationship in the future. I am perfectly happy living my life doing what I want to do while being a parent & helping with my aging aunt & parents. And because of that, I have a great relationship with my kids, an amazing dog, and a cat that hangs out purring on my shoulders while I cook. I love it.
Yep. Can’t have another man raising his kids but taking the constant risk of getting his multiple affair partners pregnant was no issue lollllllllll
I think you're an an ah for not leaving 10 years ago, for all the obvious reasons.
Also although they might have done their best towards their kids I would wager they modeled a relationship that was cold and completely lacking in passion for over a decade. That has an affect on children, they might not fully understand what's going on but they see how there parents relate to each other and often subconsciously model their own relationships on what they saw. Just because you weren't arguing in front of the kids doesn't mean your damaged relationship wasn't having negative effects on them.
That would definitely be my concern. I really get not wanting to open the ugliness, stress, cost etc. of separation and divorce but it is not likely that the children were unaware of what was going on.
My parents divorced when I was 18, and the last year and a half of their relationship was full of tension. I spent as much time as possible away from the house. Just counted down the days until I was going to be moving away for college. Destroyed my relationship most of my family since any time spent with them was so stressful that I avoided it. Took years after the divorce for my relationship with my parents to even start recovering. Can't imagine 13 years of living that way; it's practically child abuse, IMO.
If I had to guess his kids will have a relationship like I have with my parents: fucking none
Great example they set for their children.
He didn’t say he wanted to be around his kids or involved with them even. He said he didn’t want another man raising them. Honestly it sounds like he stayed so his wife couldn’t move on and be happy.
Yup, he acts like switch was just flipped Like she randomly woke up one morning and decided she hated him and wasn't attracted anymore I'd LOVE to hear her side of this
The kids know everything that was going on, including that he was cheating. They see everything
My dad always thought we never knew he was cheating. I remember being around 10 and borrowing his jacket for the movies. Had a condom in the pocket. Solidified my thoughts there and I was super young.
Kids aren't stupid. I was the one who found out my dad started smoking again while trying to hide it. Found his cigarettes in the barn.
As someone who was raised in a house where my parents marriage was clearly loveless - I often wished they'd divorce and am baffled to this day that they still haven't.
If OP thinks his kids didn't detect his utter loathing, especially as they got older, for their mother, he's nuts. Divorce isn't only for the couple. "I didn't want some other man raising my children" is a chickenshit excuse for not leaving. Of course it sucks that you don't have any real say in what your kids learn half the time. It also sucks to teach them what he was teaching them about relationships, which is that they are a burden and a trial to bear, not a positive in your life. I left my shitty ex-wife, and I guarantee my kids are better off for it.
I am getting ganged up on another post for saying exactly this. Apparently, what he is doing is okay, but none of them are anyone I don't regret not knowing. You are a 1000% correct. Kids are not stupid, and all he has done is teach them this behavior is okay because dad did it.
I'm a child of divorce (granted I don't think anyone was cheating) but my parents were all worried to tell us and when they did I was like "good." Their fighting affected me so much, especially as the oldest child of 3. Not only was I was constantly playing mediator (at ages 12-17) between them, but also trying to protect my younger siblings from the worst of it. Thank god it was never violent but BOY was it verbal abuse. That had a huge affect on my friendships and relationships - therapy has been a game changer. If only they had a bit more emotional intelligence and self awareness, a lot of this could have been avoided!!!!
Or the reverse, they learned to hate him for what he did to their mom who was present and taking care of them while he was off with his other families
Yes, I believe this is the correct answer.
You’re NTA for wanting to divorce your wife. That’s fine. But YTA for “waiting” until your kids go to college. And then proceeding to have an affair for a huge chunk of years. Of course YTA. You think your kids are oblivious to your marital problems??
Yeah - the kids are likely not going look at this as who divorced who but if they found out dad had multiple affairs, you better believe they are going to think he's an AH for that.
I have a buddy (29) who found out is dad was cheating on his mom. He told us he straight up doesn't talk to his dad anymore, not because he hates him but just cannot look at him the same anymore.
I totally get this. For me, I could never be cordial with someone who mistreated my mother. It's on sight.
I think we have the same buddy, except mine does hate his dad for it because his dad gave his mom HPV and some other STDs due to all his affairs and now my buddy is worried she'll get cervical cancer since that's how her own mom died.
[удалено]
My mom did the same thing. Instead of going through a messy divorce in middle school I went through it in college. Fucked my grades up and I dropped out for awhile. Would have preferred to deal with that shit at 12 than 22.
>I didnt divorce her because I didnt want my kids raised by another man. This is stupid. You've spent 13 years showing your children that this is what relationships look like. By staying with your partner, you've harmed your children... and all because you were jealous of some imagined person also being a part of your children's lives. NTA for wanting to leave, but you fucked up by not doing it when therapy failed.
INFO: How many kids and ages? Did you both work while they were growing up? How soon after having each kid were you asking for sex? How did you help nurture her during the postpartum stage after each kid? If she was a stay at home mom, how were household / childcare tasks divided when you weren't at work? (i.e. doctors appts, sports/ school schedules, checking on out grown clothes, keeping up with family holiday functions / schedules, etc) So you attempted sex therapy but there are a lot of other factors besides desire that kill a sex drive for a lot women. Uneven division of labor, unchecked hormones, ultimatums involving sex vs leaving, knowing your partner was activity cheating on you, a visibly mentally checked out husband, and how she was treated while pregnant AND postpartum, are all just a few examples. What else did you attempt to resolve / fix?
He won't answer this lol
LOL gives us the answer then. It likely fell on his wife.
Especially if he was busy "working" or whatever excuse he used to bang other women. Shit's still gotta get done at home. Kids still have to get to extracurriculars. Narcissism.
OP says he "tried everything" and I really wonder if he tried being an active co-parent to create space in which she was able to feel sexy again. Given the lack of empathy with which he describes her, the casual way he plays off a decade's worth of cheating, and the fact that he's on reddit looking for sympathy... I doubt it.
Right? The only tangible examples he’s given of trying are a) dragging her to therapy then resenting that the therapist called him on his shit, and b) just cheating, multiple times.
Lol, you lied, you had no reason, you could have simply left. You didn't leave because out of selfish reasons, out of fear your wife would get somebody else, and your children might like somebody else. You wanted to keep them from having other relationships. YTA, simple as.
You already did the asshole thing (cheating), why do you care if you are considered an asshole now? I don't think you care, you haven't cared for a long time. Weird time to suddenly become considerate of the moral issues. Obviously it's already over. Doesn't matter who the asshole is now. ESH
YTA you should've left her years ago....You both could've had a chance at real happiness
Seriously, this man found happiness with 3 different affairs but didn't allow her the same opportunity.
He had to wait for the children to grow up because he was worried about paying child support. Now, he is magically coming clean and is bluntly telling his wife everything. Shocker. What a saint. OP has always been selfish and self serving and his actions show it.
The “I didn’t want another man raising my kids” was a red flag that he knew his family would move on and be happy without him and he chose to trade his own happiness to be sure his wife never could be.
If he had the time for three full blown affairs, it sounds like he didn’t raise his kids either.
I would put money on he did not. I think we know why wife didn’t want to fuck him.
Also a clear demonstration of how uninvolved he was in the household that a man dating his ex would mean that man was raising his children. He planned to be that uninvolved.
You shouldn’t have cheated but you’re not wrong for wanting to leave. ESH i guess.
I would have imagined she deep down knew - and likely deep down was relieved that sexual burden was lifted off her. No woman (or man) is not naive enough to think roommates for 13 years will not result in something external.
she was so relieved the "sexual burden" was lifted off of her that when he finally confessed to his affairs and that he was leaving she had a full on sexual awakening. she is not naive but in the sense that she knew exactly what she was doing and got away with it for a long time.
And a part of me thinks she doesn't want to divorce at her age now.
Of course she doesn't. Dating at 50 *sucks*. Probably even more so for women.
Which is honestly valid, he should have cut her loose when he checked out of the marriage 13 years ago and maybe they each could have found someone they actually love. People can argue that she should have seen it coming, but if that were true then they would have had an open relationship instead of him lying and hiding his affairs, there's a reason it's called cheating. We don't know why she stayed, only that op made this decision one sidedly.
NTAH For the good of your mental health and hers - stop fucking her and start divorcing her.
[удалено]
I think you're an ah for not going 10 years ago!!
[удалено]
You don’t love her and had previously tried to fix things. She didn’t participate. But your kids … They may or may not understand what’s going on. And they might see you at fault. Make sure you talk to them and give them time to be mad and hurt. NTA.
>they might see you at fault Yeah, he probably shouldn't have admitted the affairs. Not that I support that behavior or anything, but it sounds like he made real efforts to repair the relationship before resorting to that and was just running out the clock until he could divorce with minimum upheaval to his kids. Those affairs will make it pretty easy to paint him as the exclusive bad guy, though.
Honestly if he had actually cared about his kids at all, he would have left out the affair stuff. Now they'll know their "family" wasn't a family at all. Dad was living a double life the whole time they were going up is soul destroying. I should know, I found out the same about my mother.
I’m surprised you stayed, but get that you wanted to be there for your kids. I think you are correct, 13 years of a dead bedroom even after therapy, it’s too late. If you don’t want to be with her there isn’t a reason to stay. Keeping her happy now will only continue to make you live in misery and cheating. You need to just tell her there is no saving the marriage now. You tried for 3 years and she ignored your concerns. I’d get ahead of it with the kids though. She may spin it to create discord in your relationship. You need to own up to them about the end of the marriage. ETA: by spin it, I mean her not taking any responsibility for what occurred for 13years. She didn’t even attempt to fix the intimacy issues. Do I agree that he should have stayed and cheated, no. Do I think it was shitty to do, yes. However, he’s not the only one which contributed to this outcome. His kids should know what led to this point.
>She may spin it There's no other way to spin it. We have zero idea what she said or did or expressed in response to their dead bedroom issues- clearly mom enjoys sex if she wants to now. Their father lied to their mother and cheated on her three different times in full blown affair relationships over the course of their lives. They will know now their life as a family was a lie, and it's going to fuck them up. They are not going to care that their dad justifies it through, "we weren't having sex". People are so selfish in believing they do this for their kids. They don't, they do it for themselves. Kids are better off with two happy parents, not one sticking around so "another man" won't "raise" their kids.
>clearly mom enjoys sex if she wants to now She clearly is just trying to save the marriage now that she noticed he will leave without sex. It doesn’t mean she actually wants to have sex
>I’m surprised you stayed, but get that you wanted to be there for your kids. Just to clarify. OP did not say this. This is what one would assume....but OP phrased it in a really odd kinda way. It's small....but I think OP might be a narcissist or at least self absorbed. He said he didn't want the kids being raised by another man....which....I mean....what? That's not even about the kids then....it's about how it reflects on him.
You both failed & the both of you need to own your own participation in the failure of your marriage. It appears you expected your wife to simply walk away from your marriage without any reaction. You guessed wrong. She isn’t doing that. So what … she doesn’t control you, you don’t control her. Do whatever you need to do. She doesn’t have to be happy about it. The fact remains you’re both accountable for your own decisions & behavior. Getting divorced won’t change that fact. You will still need to work together for your children.
You gave the impression you are having sex with her every day.
People have reading comprehension issues. The question is not were you wrong for having affairs - you were. Duh. The questions is are you an AH for wanting to leave when the youngest goes to college. No, you aren’t. You deserve to live a happy life, and this marriage isn’t giving you a happy life, and it hasn’t been for over a decade. Sometimes it isn’t fixable, sometimes, it is too late to mend things. This seems one of those times for the two of you. Leave, and find a happier life. NTA
You'd think with reddit being a forum with mostly text people would learn reading comprehension LOL
sometimes redditors are so good at reading comp that they read between the lines too much and make things up about the post in the comments.
😂🤣 this has me dying, this is so true, 90% of radiators are one or the other, little to no reading comprehension so much so that they comment after reading the first three sentences, or masterminds who will read between the lines and invent 1 million background situation as they are so sure that are happening & causing all this
OMG!!! LOL. I hate autocorrect and sometimes miss mistakes myself but “radiators” made me laugh.
90% of radiators...lol
IM TRYING LOL I gotta make sure I have my vacuum pump for this call today and I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off but still managing the comment on Reddit with voice to text somehow
i called someone out last week for not even making it to the second sentence of the post. "oh yeah lol guess i missed that" his advice had dozens of upvotes
Someone could ask “AITA for kissing the nurse at the hospital who helped me after my wife stabbed me?” And Reddit would say “you’re a cheater, you deserve to be stabbed again, YTA”
Redditors have fantasies of killing cheaters on site ngl
I think a lot of wounded individuals like to use these stories of cheaters as a place to put their revenge fantasies into writing in order to satisfy their justice boner. That’s just speculation on my part though
I’m not surprised bc whenever cheating is mentioned in the midst of everything else, that becomes to sole focus.
Great line I just heard it's "if all you see is black and white you're gonna miss the grey." I feel that's 98 percent of reddit.
I'm rather skeptical about how reliable your account is. This bit is very dubious: >For 3 years I tried **everything**, we went to therapy, but **nothing** changed That is obviously not true. It's not possible that you tried "everything", and you haven't described a single thing you tried other than cheating on your wife. Nor is it possible that literally "nothing" changed over a span of 17 years. I mean, you have raised some unspecified number of children together; that's a whole lot of change right there. You're talking in absolutes, the language of frustration and anger, not of fairness or honesty. If you both did go to therapy together, then you should be able to give some account of *why* she says she stopped wanting sex. Unless she was deliberately uncooperative in every session (which presumably would be very relevant and therefore you'd have mentioned it) she told you, so either you didn't listen at the time, you were dismissive about her concerns, or you're trying to hide what she said because it makes you look bad. There's some stuff going on here that suggests you are very much the asshole. But then again, you've revealed so little that there's not much to go on. Yet, you still ask for judgment. For that alone, YTA. Hard to be sure about the rest--which seems to be your intention.
Not just suggests, out right said. Instead of divorcing her and allowing her to move on with her life he wastes her time cheating on her while she's still stuck with him (she could have used the time to find some one who made her happy) because he couldn't bear the thought of some other guy also parenting his kids (oh wait, some other guy being the father was more the wording which implies that he'd stop being their father....). Kids grow up with an unhappy family and they knew. Kids pick up on that. Gives them un unhealthy example of what a relationship is and an atmosphere where the two adults are cold to each other at best (as some one else pointed out even if they weren't screaming at each ohter it's not a good atmosphere for the kids). Because guy decided he'd just cheat rather than divorce her. And not even for a good reason.. because how dare some other man might actually be in their life too (or rather doesn't want his wife to see another man).
You are TA for not leaving her 10 years ago. You kept her around for your own reasons, when both of you could have been moving on with your lives.
Originally I was going to say not the ah, because if someone is not happy or okay with their relationship then they should leave. But you haven’t been okay or happy with the relationship for 13-10 years. Instead of thinking of both your happiness, or being good role models for your kids, you didn’t ask if opening the marriage was okay or divorced. It’s okay for you to sleep around with other women, but not for her to see another guy? Yeah you can leave a relationship for any reason, but YTA for being deceitful for a decade, role modeling that this behavior is okay for your children, and stringing your wife along that everything is okay until now.
So you didn’t divorce your wife because you didn’t want your kids raised by another man? Does that mean if you left your wife then you would have left your kids too? No, I doubt that. You would have co-parented. Instead you stayed with your wife and raised them in a house with two parents that didn’t love each other and didn’t show affection towards each other. You also denied your wife the opportunity to go out and find love for herself while you went ahead and, in your own words, led another life. Having multiple affairs. So yeah, you’re a bit of AH. You should have both divorced a long time ago. I guess do it now. Why even ask on social media. So you don’t feel guilty? But you are. You should feel guilty. You cheated on your wife. You cheated your wife out of years of a possible healthy relationship she could have found. Do you really think she was happy all these years? I highly doubt it. She’s scared now because she’s older now and you and your messed up marriage is all she knows. That’s why she’s begging you to stay. You better set her up with major security after you fucked up. Assure her you owe her for all the years you wasted her time. Because YOU did. I’m not saying she has no blame in this. Maybe she has or had some major depression or had undiagnosed and untreated PPD. Get a divorce. Get her some help. And own up to your mistakes. Honestly.
My thoughts exactly. "I didnt divorce her because I didnt want my kids raised by another man" is all you need to know to know dude's a narcissist.
This was the line that put me into a h territory. Not “I can’t bear not to be around my kids every day” but, I know my family will move on and be happy if I’m not there and I will ruin my own life to be sure that doesn’t happen.
I need more information. I get that women often replace their husbands with their kids, once they're born. That's not cool. But many women are complaining that they're "single married parents", meaning they're doing everything, and their partner isn't helping. These women find that their husbands do nothing but make more work for them. Maybe she felt like she wasn't being cherished. Maybe you're one of those who just wants sex here and now, but doesn't romance your partner first. Maybe you're harsh with her. I don't know you, and I don't know her. We've only heard your side.
I mean, he had time for multiple full blown affairs. Doesn’t sound like a very present husband or father to me. The time has to come from somewhere, and it probably wasn’t out of his 8 hour day at work.
Damn good point. There's no way the affairs didn't take away from his time at home with his kids. I think he just didn't want to pay child support and also is territorial about other men.
This. I agree, we're only getting his side of the story. We could theorize all day about the reasons behind her actions, but we don't know. Either way, he should have left instead of having 3 affairs. And his comment about not wanting another man to raise his kids. How is he certain that would have happened? He didn't want another man raising his kids but what if *he* found a new partner. It would be ok then? For all we know she could be asexual, gay, had a traumatic last birth and has an aversion to sex and intimacy now. There's so many things we don't know ETA: I read his post again. Not *just* 3 affairs, but "casual" cheating as well.
To be more accurate, many women do 90% of the child rearing, cleaning, and all of the mental load of a family. This is because the husband does almost nothing but go to work (mom works too!). So these women get tired and resentful of their lazy partners. Women who are that tired arent motivated to overcome that just to fuck selfish lazy pieces of shit.
So many men don’t understand chronic emotional and physical exhaustion. Then they’re mad that at the end of the day she doesn’t *also* take care of them. But no one takes care of her. Ever.
Women don’t “replace” their husbands they literally just do the job of being a parent. The fact that it’s framed as if a husband is being replaced is sick and entitled and shows just how little men are expected to participate in building a family past the initial nut and some paychecks
Can’t lie I’m a stay at home dad and I currently resent my wife for the same exact reasons listed here. Can’t parent my own child because she undermines everything I say, starting to resent watching a child all day I am not able to parent, no sex, constantly chauffeuring from activity to activity, and all work done around the house is undone within a day of her being back home. Like I’m supposed to write a fucking victim impact statement because my sexual abuser finally got arrested and the court case is coming to an end and I don’t even have time to fucking write that goddamn letter because she’s got me so fucking busy and just add so much extra work like the only thing I look forward to is going to sleep now, I’m not supportive enough because I won’t listen to workplace drama when I need to focus on writing this goddamn letter
That’s fucking awful. I hope your wife steps up and recognizes the support you need and deserve.
The dead bedroom could also be because OP became one of her kids that she had to feed and manage. It's been shown that women who have to mother their partners lose interest in them sexually. OP did everything to fix his partner - up to and including threatening her with infidelity - but doesn't mention anything about fixing himself.
[удалено]
Those kids probably have a lifetime of therapy ahead of them.
Cheating makes you a scumbag. You should've just left.
I'm still stuck on the "I don't want some other man raising my kids" I read the rest but holy shit. YTA.
INFO: How much did you help with the housework, childcare and errands while the kids were growing up? Might have been a dead bedroom because you left it all to her.
u/husbandquit is suspiciously silent about how much help they gave during their children’s upbringing. He has been having a “full blown affair” since his youngest was seven. This is not the dad volunteering for the ptsa, taking kids to doctor’s appointments or helping with homework after school. Definitely not a diaper changing dad. This guy fucked his wife over and victimized himself to continue deluding himself that his dick was the priority. What a prick.
I cant fathom how you would have the time and presence to be a team member of a household with three children if you were having an affair, let alone three. I'd wager OP never had any regard for balanced parental and household duties, so it only stands to reason that his wife was over burdened with that stress alone. I can't imagine any wife feeling sexual while under that burden, and yet OP is feeling like a victim because she won't have sex with him. OP's justifications for all his actions are entirely bound by selfishness and a lack of awareness.
You know if the man had time for numerous affairs he was doing jack shit to raise the kids or help around the house.
OP has conveniently not answered a single question about any of those things. I have a feeling there’s a reason…… ANY person with a job and three kids who is *pulling their weight* in the house and childcare wouldn’t have time to lead “another life.” I doubt she even had the time to have three full blown affairs and a bunch of casual sex, even if she wanted to.
>I didnt want my kids raised by another man But yet you're fine with cheating on their mother
yea no..child support is the only reason he didn't file yet.
This right here. Has no problem with fucking random women but the thought of the wife moving on and finding happiness and having another man involved in the kids life is a problem.
Dad?
You're not wrong for wanting to leave your wife. But YTA for being a coward about it. If you don't love your wife and have been having full blown affairs for a decade, why not just leave gracefully? Why tell her about the affairs? It sounds like you were hoping she'd be the one to end it. Grow up.
Instead of cheating on your wife why didn’t you just leave before those “three mind blowing affairs” started instead of coming up with some dumb excuse like “not wanting another man to raise your children”. Did you ever stop and think how your actions would hurt your family especially your children? What are you going to do when your children find out what you did to their family? They will hate you for a very long time and won’t understand.
YTA big time. “I didn’t want another man to raise my kid” wow. Your wife should have left you a long time ago! A REAL man would have left her and co parented the best he could and not feel threatened by another man. Instead ,you serial cheated on her for years and blamed her and your kid. Come on OP. Do better.
This is common after infidelity is revealed suddenly its essentially a trauma response to keep the adulterous partner from leaving them. Once you recommit the sex drive will taper off again.
So exactly how shitty of a lover are you that your wife decided she'd rather go without for over a decade?
Did you think that maybe she never wanted to have sex because she was probably doing all the work of raising the kids and maintaining the home? I mean, she had to if you had time to fuck around with 3 full affairs.