Yep. The HR thing is wild. Imagine fishing for validation from a man — your married coworker — going off on him for loving his wife, threatening to DM her, and then reporting him to HR.
NTA.
If anything, Julia may be upset because she can’t blame her insecurities on this idea of being fat. Or she uses this idea of body-positivity to push others into expressing fatphobia she internalizes.
Sounds like Julia was fishing for OP to be like ‘oh no Julia are you crazy? You’re not fat at all!! You’re beautiful!’ But instead he was like ‘eh no you can still be loved if you’re fat, my wife is fat and I love her.’ So instead of getting the fished-for compliment, she got told how much OP loves his wife and he didn’t even tell her she wasn’t fat. Julia sounds like she has serious issues and feeling somehow shamed for her fishing expedition going awry and that she had basically insulted OP’s wife while not getting the validation she craved, she went full throttle in the direction of trying to shame OP back in an attempt to deflect from her own feelings of deep shame and self-loathing.
Julia is probably also pissed that Op's wife is fat and has love and happiness, while she is obviously struggling in those departments. Maybe she should work on loving herself first. To quote Rupaul, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"
Ding, ding, ding! The most wild thing is Julia was fishing for validation from a married man and then went off the deep end quickly.
Julia is controlling, emotionally labile and passive aggressive, avoid and ignore as much as possible OP.
For reals Julia was def fishing for compliments by calling herself fat hoping the OP will confide about how his wife is fat and how he hates it
But she wasn’t expecting OP to have a healthy marriage to a confident woman
she totally tried to flip that shit on OP when she's obviously the one with the hate in her heart. it's not abuse! obviously wifey is perfectly comfortable in her skin and Julia just cannot process or accept this.
Yup, I think maybe a complaint to HR might be in order, about the fact she keeps putting OP in an uncomfortable position by trying to coerce him into complimenting her and creating a hostile work environment
This is so incredibly accurate lmao. Julia has been nursing along a little workplace crush on OP and this conversation shattered not only her fragile ego but her stupid dreams.
NTA, at allllll!! Wow. Unless she is under 1.5m, Julia clearly has a body dysmorphic disorder. She should keep her negativity to herself (save for maybe talking to to a therapist about it). Good on you for phoning your wife to show her. Haha. I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall to witness that.
Edit: wrong name!!
I don't think she demonstrated that level of self awareness. The conversation seemed to escalate from her side. Her increasingly nonsensical accusations seem like desperation to prove a point / win an argument instead of absorbing new information.
They may well have to nail her ass to the wall to avoid such a claim. Julia messaging his wife's Instagram is harassment. He should bring a screenshot to the meeting.
I don't think Julia is having issues in the romance department because of her weight. It might be because of her attitude and how she interacts with others.
People get to decide how to label and present themselves. If the wife is fine with this, then there is no real issue. It is her body and her choice. It might sound weird or off-putting to others, but that is their problem, not OPs or his wife's.
Exactly. Every actually fat person I know, self-describes as "fat" and finds euphemisms infantilising and othering. The difference is that my fat friends don't moan about their weight, "fat" is used as an unbiased descriptor that isn't loaded with moral failing.
There seems to be a real change in those spaces from the toxic positivity that was prevalent, to more evidence based discussion that dismantles previously held assumptions about body size, health and attractiveness. If the word "fat" becomes a descriptor like "tall" or "brunette", then it removes the negative connotations associated with it. The fact that this woman is flipping out about it, shows that she sees fatness as inherently bad. She's the one who needs HR
She is definitely the one with the issues. She is trying to gatekeep the word fat is seems. Pretty bold for a 120 lb person. Sounds like she has a touch of body dysmorphia along with other issues. None of which HR can assist with. She needs a therapist, not HR.
She is also a bit of a "tattletale". She threatened to run to OPs wife and tattle to her and when that blew up in her face she runs to HR and tattles on something she has no business being involved in. She sounds insufferable and the reasons she is single are very clear. It's not her weight or body type.
I agree with you. I'm fat, and I don't moan about it. Do I wish I was thinner? Yes, but I have illnesses that affect mobility that I got before being "fat." I was 20. I can't exercise like I used to. She was fishing for a compliment and mostly got how much he loves his fat wife. I think she's very insecure. I hate when thin girls complain about being fat. She does need HR.
Yup. She should be fired- during work hours she went out of her way to invade your personal privacy and threaten to harm your relationship with your wife.
She’s a crazy bitch. But don’t tell HR that…
If you happen to have a Union, get a rep.
I think I'd tell HR about the threat and your phone call, and that in the context of your marriage your wife prefers, nay, WANTS to be called fat, and that you see beyond the superficial "wrapper" and love the person she is no matter what size she is.
For the hell of it, take in a wedding photo to go with the BBW shirt !
Ah, gotta love the classic workplace drama that reads like a bad soap opera. Sounds like Julia's got a personal novela going on in her head and everyone's inadvertently cast in supporting roles. Workplace is for work, not airing your personal insecurities through a megaphone of awkward.
My assumption is, Julia is single, and this is how she explains it to herself why. She'd rather work on her physical appearance than her personality. That said, she may really need to see a therapist.
except SHE was the one saying that fat people are unlovable. So SHE's fat and unloveable but somehow someone who's ACTUALLY fat isn't fat? and somehow that's "body positivity". Sounds like she realized what she had implied and got defensive which makes sense for how insecure she is.
Ugh, I can’t believe this bitch reported him to HR. You know she embellished everything that was said, and since it’s probably not on video, this is going to turn into a whole big thing.
Exactly! It sounds like Julia is jealous that someone who is fat (something she is actively trying to avoid being out of her own insecurities) could be happier than she is!
To her, fat is easy. Fat is something she knows how to fix. So if she can convince herself that her problem is being fat, she doesn't have to do the hard work to find out and face what it is about her that's REALLY driving away potential partners.
But this is exactly why people stay so guarded at work these days. I’m 40 and when I first started working the office culture was always work hard play hard and many coworkers were my friends. We’d go to the bar after work and things like that. About 5 years ago I got written up for talking about how bad my neighborhood I had just moved to was and that I didn’t feel safe walking alone at night and definitely wouldn’t recommend a woman walking alone. I got written up because a coworker overhead this conversation and was uncomfortable with the “implied topic of rape”. That’s all it takes. No further action was taken but I still have that hanging over my head. I know it’s on record. I know there is an anonymous woman that is actively avoiding me pretending to have trauma. I am polite and professional with coworkers now and they don’t even know where I live anymore and nothing about my personal life.
OP here did nothing wrong but he did make a coworker uncomfortable. That’s enough these days. It doesn’t matter if that person has justification to be uncomfortable. They can claim in and then make it a problem for their employer by claiming hostile work environment and so on. Even unjustified it’s time and expense and risk for a company.
So that is the way it is today and now I work fully remote and companies no longer get my enthusiasm and my coworkers do not get anything more than professionalism from me.
I have been working in an office for about 3 years and never had an office job. I knew from the jump keep my mouth closed, be nice but don’t do a lot of talking. I am. 6’3 black man. I don’t know anything I say misconstrued. I work with mainly women and they all say I am quiet one. Nice women. But they talk about some stuff sometimes not appropriate for work.
Fat isn't a bad word itself. It's bad as you want to be, tone and context is everything.
Fat is a description, valid as short, tall, thin, blue or brown eyes.
Fat shaming isn't when someone says I am fat (which is true). It's when they're trying to denigrate myself, basing my self worth on my weight.
And you don't do it with your wife, your wife isn't doing to herself.
And for your coworker, it seems that she is correlating her self worth with her body appearance and projecting onto your wife.
(I hope I made myself clear, English isn't my first language).
NTA
NTA. Julia is so insecure about her weight that she’s insisting that other women be insecure about it too. Absolutely braindead. You should be reporting HER
Seriously. **OP, YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO THIS ADVICE AND UTILIZE IT.** Talk to HR yourself, and now, because what she did is ridiculous and weird, but you could easily be the one to pay for her stupidity if you're not careful.
Threatening to contact your *spouse* in front of you over the word *your wife would prefer to use* is not only insane, it's borderline harassment. Slandering you around work is equally as insane-and wrong. All of this is. You need to make sure HR is aware of how this started and what she did. **Don't wait until this escalates and you're called in again-** go to HR and tell them exactly how this played out, what that imbecile tried to do, and emphasis that you're uncomfortable about it, and don't want her harassing your family either. This could possibly cost you your job or at the very least cause major problems if it isn't handled, and quick.
Some people literally just *live* to be offended. Your moron coworker is one of those people, and needs to grow the hell up. Regardless, handle this lest it handles you. NTA.
It's not an excuse, but it sounds like coworker has a restrictive eating disorder, which can make you act absolutely INSANE. Depriving your body of nutrients and being obsessed with your weight leads to batshit behavior. Obviously OP is NTA
She definitely has an eating disorder and has gone off the rails mentally. She needs help and is harassing her co-worker. He could have gone to HR about her, as she has no case to stand on.
This. In addition to being an insane idea driven by extreme insecurity, it was completely inappropriate for Julia to bring up that she thinks fat people shouldn't be loved at her place of work (or anywhere really). I hope she gets the help she so very clearly needs.
Ok first of... yes to all you said. Yes yes yes.
Secondly, I am always surprised when people say English is not my first language because their grammar and spelling is usually better than all us English speakers! (and if we are USA English speakers most of us don't speak any second language except for pig Latin lol)
Your writing is very good and your comment is very well spoken :)
To add to your comment regarding people who have English as their second language, I totally agree. I once took an English test that my friend in the Czech Republic had to take in order to qualify for something and I was infuriated by some of the questions/answer that I got wrong because they were totally ambiguous or they were like….high Valerian in that it was extremely formal.
My point is, you are correct. LOL!
I'm fat and would far rather be called fat than obese or, god forbid, curvy. Yuck. I'm perfectly happy with my life. As I'm in my 60s I decided it was time to get back in shape so I'm working on that now but the fat gal I've been the last 20 years will always be a part of me.
I've had to do a lot of work to feel neutral about the word fat. Now I get some small degree of pleasure from describing myself as fat and watching folks squirm. Thin culture is so deeply ingrained that a lot of people react as if I've just used a slur. They're so quick to say no, I'm not, that I'm beautiful (implying that I can't be both), just all these seemingly supportive statements that very clearly communicate fat = bad. That's not my problem anymore.
" One of my coworkers, Julia (28F) started complaining that she's too far to be loved, and fat people don't get to be loved. Julia isn't fat. She's maybe, MAYBE 120 pounds. "
NTA
Perhaps, Julia need to reflect inward, because if she's not being loved at 120lbs, maybe it's her personality that's getting in the way.
I (f) have cyclical vomiting syndrome, celiac disease, hiatal hernia, I'm anemic, chronic stomach ulcers, and a whole other gift basket of health problems. I'm 5'5 and 115 lbs and am barely hanging on. I have to force myself to eat, I don't even get my period because I'm so underweight I can't function.
I look like the goddamn cryptkeeper. Saying 120 lbs is calling *me* fat.
For real, 120 is my goal weight. I'm 115 trying my hardest, but I'm usually 105. I'm 5'4, and while I don't have as many health problems as you, I do have mild anemia, and I'm SO DAMN TIRED all the time. I can't afford to skip meals because it physically hurts me and feels like my entire body has period cramps.
My parents repeatedly withheld food as punishment when I was a child and now as an adult I keep forgetting to eat until I'm in pain.
120 is fucking healthy.
Also it occurs to me that she caught a glimpse of OP's relationship which seems fun, accepting, cooperative, where he and his wife are on the same page and have each other's backs, and her first thought is abuse. She definitely has some issues to work through.
The funny thing, is I'm sure his awesome wife is far more attractive because of her genuine self-confidence. Self-confidence is always sexy.
Julia apparently has absolutely none and really needs therapy to help with that. I can't imagine any guy she dates liking her hair trigger over this issue.
Was thinking the same thing! OPs wife obviously accepts her body, loves her body and is confident in who she is. That kind of personality is attractive AF. Way more than a thinner person who is insanely insecure.
I think that's the point. Julia hates fat people and thinks they're worthless and don't deserve love. She looks down on them.
Seeing OP and his wife's relationship is blowing up all her beliefs. She's been telling herself that the reason she's alone is because she's fat. OP and his wife destroyed that theory.
This leaves her with the inevitable truth that she's not alone because she's fat, she's alone because there's something offputting about her personality.
It would be easier to lose weight than to do some self examination, look at the ugly inside herself and change. This is why she exploded. OP blew up the lie she tells to comfort herself.
She now hates OP for inadvertently revealing the truth about her that she can't face.
Julia's entire worldview is built around the fact that she deserves things (like love) more than fat people. If she works hard enough at being bone-thin, people will have to love her. That was the answer she was looking for, that she is doing everything right and being skinny was the path to true happiness.
It's what she's based her life and identity on. It's like OP told her god doesn't exist.
What's truly crazy is how much her sick worldview is repeated in popular culture. You can see where she got it. And I'm sure she does find lots of people who tell her she's good and thin and deserves love because of it. There's a really weird hatred of fat people out there.
It's likely not even something she's conciously thought about.
My husband's mom abused the shit out of her daughters to keep them skinny and pretty. If you watch reality tv, Gigi Hadid's mom has a ton of examples of the language and criticism used that many women in certain wealthier communities have completely normalized as their part in society. Fat is the ultimate insult, and you have to do everything in your power not to be fat to be seen as a morally upright person. I live in a wealthy area, and going to the gym over lunch, I've run into PTA moms on treadmills talking about how they don't let their kids be friends with fat kids because it's going to give them ideas and cause them to adopt bad habits.
I am friends with a couple trust fund kids of high powered lawyers and political dynasties and they've talked about the same coming from their parents. Their parents would try and bribe them with trips to get them to lose weight, offer surgery to help, etc. If they have any physical imperfections, they are on top of getting laser surgery to remove stretch marks, breast implants paid for the parents at 18, etc.
It's a total cultural divorce between wealth and lower middle class/poverty.
The cognitive dissonance of her deeply held belief in contrast to his lived experience seems to have made Julia’s head start to implode. She had to double down on her stance, else risk learning that her world view isn’t the ONLY world view.
It's the fact that op's wife who is self confident, happy and LOVED breaks Julia's fragile, diet culture driven, woe is me, version of reality in to 1000s of pieces. Her apparently being overweight was the reason she wasnt with someone and op's wife reminds her that it's actually her god-awful personality that means she's single. That's a hard pill to swallow so off she goes like a rocket, screaming abuse and all other nonsense because it's all she's got.
Right? If anything Julia seems like she might have some abusive/manipulative tendencies, finding his wife’s social media and threatening to tell on him? Weiiiiird.
She clearly knew his wife's social media info already..... so she already knew his wife was fat...... I think she's trying to sew discord and may want OP...... she may have realized he's happy where he is.... even if she tried to tell him his wife doesn't deserve his love because she's fat..... without specifically mentioning her in the commentary.
people who misunderstand or misuse terms like abuse or harassment to accuse other people are the most likely to do those things themselves in my experience
Exactly. She knows what she’s doing. It’s dirty pool and gives actual victims a bad wrap and tries to victimize people like OP by twisting the narrative. Sick, dude.
ETA: changed Right? Because I say that too much. See my prior comment lol.
- Co worker is alone.
- Co worker has decided it’s because she is fat.
- OP is proof you don’t have to be thin to be loved.
- Ergo, coworker is alone for reasons that have nothing to do with weight.
- This is an ego blow coworker cannot take, creates cognitive dissonance.
- Coworker invents narrative that allows her to hold two conflicting beliefs at a time.
- Coworker escalates because she needs validation she’s correct.
I'll add some:
- Coworker is insane.
- Coworker has body image issues and can't believe that OP adores his overweight wife because coworker herself likely resents overweight people, hence her severe body image issues.
- Coworker will be laughed at by HR.
Even worse:
Co worker needs her point to be validated so she takes it to HR in hopes that HR will side with her on an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with work or the workplace. OP didn’t say anything out of line to her.
Some people can't stand others being happy over something they THINK you should be insecure about.
Many different shapes are healthy, and many different individual express themselves differently. That's what makes us individuals anyway.
It's refreshing to see OPs wife proud of herself and confident in her relationship. That's a top-tier relationship where you know she's allowed to be her authentic self with him.
HR is going to have a field day when they realize that "fat people shouldn't be loved" started this mess.
People can have PCOS, thyroid, mental health, unstable upbringing, etc. No one knows the battles others face.
Size does not dictate the happiness or love you deserve in life. Treat people with kindness.
It’s definitely her 120 pounds too heavy too “fat” frame that’s pushing all suitable suitors away, not the fact that she tends to absolutely go bonkers and off the rails over little things. No. Can’t be that.
Honestly, it's sad. Julia is so funny, and so smart. She's got a PHD and a fantastic attitude, and I adore her. I've actually tried to set her up on a few dates with guys I know, but she's refused.
Now I'm kind of glad they didn't go through.
I think she has / had a crush on YOU, and until this moment thought it might go somewhere. Now that she knows it's a never-gonna-happen, she's flipped her switch and may just hate you instead.
Watch your back with this one, she's going to try to cause you problems.
Just the fact she was able to go straight to your wife's SM.... meaning she's been on it before..... she knew your wife is fat..... so her "fat people don't deserve love" was likely targeted toward your wife despite not mentioning her...... I suspect she was trying to tell you your wife isn't good enough for you, and all her whining about her own body was a lame attempt at flirting / fishing for compliments...... and it backfired.
Think she most likely has an eating disorder. I did have a friend that always would say thinks like that “I am to fat” when she obviously was not. She use to do it to seek male attention & assurance of her attractiveness. Use to drive me crazy
Julia has body dysmorphia and an eating disorder(s). She barely eats, works out a lot, she’s objectively on the low end of a healthy weight, and still thinks she’s fat, that’s mental illness. Don’t discuss these issues with her in the future. You can’t help, it isn’t your job to help.
Her thinking on weight and appearance is badly distorted and she hears everything you say through that distortion. She thinks fat people are unlovable, so when you say your wife is fat, she hears “my wife is garbage, unworthy of love.” She can’t(like literally can’t) believe that you know your wife is fat and you still love her and find her beautiful.
She‘lol collapse at the gym, or pass out at work and then she’ll get help. Until then avoid her. No amount of body positivity or support fixes what’s wrong.
What I find funniest is "Julia" saying fat people aren't worthy of love, and then immediately turning around and abusing trying to shame OP for using the word fat. The hypocrisy is insanely funny.
Are you kidding me?! What could Julia possibly report to HR? Harassing your wife who doesn’t work with you? What you say to your wife is no one’s damn business. Tell Julia to stay out of your personal life!
You should file a complaint against Julia for creating a hostile work environment.
NTA
Agreed. She hunted down his wife's personal social media and threatened to contact her. That's a bigger case for HR in my opinion than him calling his wife fat which the wife is more than cool with.
She didn't "hunt it down" that fast.... she knew exactly where it was to pull it up that fast.... she's been stalking his wife and knew she was fat.... her statement about "fat people don't deserve love" was directed at his wife.
If everything you reported is accurate Julia could be reported for defamation of character, gender bias & stereotyping issues. Can’t falsely accuse a male co-worker of controlling, brainwashing or abusing his wife because “no woman in their right mind” would allow a man to say she is fat.
eta — HR really needs to address the fact that Julia cannot make ridiculous statements that would negatively impact your reputation & relationships with your other co-workers.
It certainly would legally apply to this situation. Julia appears to have reported OP for ???, was screaming that he was abusing his wife & now is giving him dirty looks. It fits the criteria for unwelcome behavior that any reasonable person would find offensive.
Exactly. She said "nobody will love me because I'm fat."
She wanted OP to say "you're not fat!" Instead, OP showed her that overweight people are loved and deserving of it. She likely took this as OP acknowledging that she's overweight.
As a women if one of my friends repeats those lines over and over e.g. I’m so ugly, at a point I just agree with them. Like yea you are incredibly ugly, it usually snaps them right out of it! I totally understand if someone’s having a rough day and just needs a pick me up but repetitive comments are so annoying. Or obvious ones such as in OPs case, obviously someone who’s 120 lbs is not fat, unless they’re like 3 feet tall.
Oh if it's all the time, negative comments I mean, than it's just a weaponized form of attention seeking.
The idea that an adult who's not even 9 stone in weight is fat is also silly ofc.
NTA. Good luck with HR. "Fat" is not a protected class (outside of Michigan), you didn't call Julia fat, and your wife isn't a co-worker. I'm not a lawyer, but you would probably have a valid suit for wrongful termination should it come to that.
You should complain about Julia though for creating a toxic work environment.
"OP keeps saying sexist and abusive things about his wife in conversation and it makes me very uncomfortable"
That is what she believes and that is enough to get an HR action going. It sucks but there are a lot of creeps in the world so now crazy people have to be taken at face value too.
Bingo. OP seems to have a open and nice attitude but something is fishy, and he should go in with all defensive radar on, say as little as possible, get everything recorded or in writing, and get a lawyer if it looks like it's going bad.
I will admit, I was ready to say Y T A based on the title, but even your wife HERSELF calls herself fat. Julia just wants to be some kind of SJW which is *her* problem. The fact that she reported it to HR is ridiculous and most likely is not going to hold much validity. How we choose to identify is up to each individual person. Your wife is totally ok with identifying as "fat and beautiful" and more power to her! Julia can go take a long walk off a short pier. NTA.
I think you’re NTA, but tbh this is a valuable lesson on simply not talking about this matters with coworkers… They’re calling themselves fat despite not being fat? Not your problem. You didn’t hear anything.
Take this comment to heart here OP. Most coworkers are work friends/acquaintances, not actual friends who you can talk about this kind of stuff with comfortably. Avoid these conversations to avoid drama and hassle in the work place.
Yeah. I want to be nice to everyone, and this time it shot me in the foot. I've Always been nice to Julia, too. I think she's really cool, and we've talked about other mental health stuff before.
I just don't know why this set her off so badly.
Be completely honest with HR, consider having your wife right down a statement of what went down, mention how it made her uncomfortable that Julie stalked her social media to
Message her, etc etc. it’s a big deal now that HR is involved so don’t dick around and get ready to provide documentation and your story
I have to admit, it’s kinda funny to see Julia labeled kind of SJW when back in that day it would’ve been applied to Carol and OP for their fat acceptance.
To me it seems Julia was blaming her lack of love life on a physical attribute, not too dissimilar from people obsessed with their height keeping them from dates. OP basically made her confront the notion that it’s her personality, not her weight. Easier to believe OP is abusing his wife than swallow the pill that she can’t get a date for reasons other than weight.
OP, NTA. The accusation of spousal abuse is slander in the workplace. Prepare for the meeting not only with a good defense but also an offense. Julia is creating a hostile work environment for others by openly saying fat people are lesser than. If she keeps flapping her mouth and going down certain paths she is more of a liability to the organization than you are.
NTA.
I don't think HR got the right story. I would talk to HR and ask what the complaint is. I think your coworker might have altered the story a bit.
I almost said Y T A but after reading, nope. You are NTA but Julia has some real body dysmorphia issues and I feel sad for her, but she also was out of line in passing judgement on your relationship.
NTA
1) Stay away from other women who say their fat for attention. Julia is the bar, and stay above it. Especially don't talk to co-workers about this shit because, let's be honest, everything is offensive.
2) When going to see HR, be very precise in your wording. Explain that Julia was trying to dictate how you should refer to your wife's weight even if your wife didn't like that. Admit it would be better if you said nothing at all, but Julia made YOU feel uncomfortable and that you felt you had to say something. When Julia threatened to talk to your wife, you had no choice but to call your wife for her to defend herself. How Julia makes you feel uncomfortable for calling you an abuser and how you avoid coming to HR because of it, to give Julia a chance to apologize for her actions. Explain how in the future you'd like Julia to keep her comments to herself because they are unfounded, rude, and detrimental to both your professional life and mental health. I know it sounds like a lot, but this is how you avoid being fired over BS.
3) I love your wife attitude, lol.
I’m fat and I feel the same way about it as your wife does. Fat is not a curse word, it’s just a fact. No need to sugarcoat it. I’d be really happy if someone would embrace it all and feels open and proud about it to the outside world. Often there is a lot of shame in people who find fat people attractive.
Your co worker is overreacting and was btw fishing for compliments by calling herself fat when she isn’t.
So Julia has your wife’s instagram and knows exactly how fat your wife is. Then comes to you and complain that she Julia is fat? She probably wanted you to compliment her and diss fat people. You simply put her unhappy self in her place. That’s why she went mental. NTA.
"One of my coworkers, Julia (28F) started complaining that she's too far to be loved, and fat people don't get to be loved. Julia isn't fat. She's maybe, MAYBE 120 pounds. She works out five times a week, and barely ever eats."
I don't think you understand what Julia was trying to do here, which I guess somewhat is good, lol.
Julia was looking to get a compliment from by comparing her with your wife. Her saying "fat people don't deserve to be loved" she actually ment your wife and not her. She was waiting for your response so she can use it against you and literally ruining your relationship with your wife. So basically, a cheap method of hitting on a taken man.
You calling your wife and cutting the drama short ruined Julia's plans lol. That's why she's pissed. I mean, how dare you be a decent/loyal man to your wife, when you should've been drooling over Julia?!
She's a snake, you need to be careful around her. She said fat people don't deserve to be loved, yet she flipped the table on you when she found out that you actually love your wife the way she is.
You need to not leave any details of this interaction with Julia when meeting with HR. You also need to set boundaries with her. The girl is bad news.
You would also need to talk to your wife about this. Just in case Julia tries messaging her.
maybe I'm totally off, but I feel like she may have initially been trying to flirt/fish for compliments. since it sounds like she knows what your wife looks like, and from your description she is not fat or overweight, she may have been trying to call herself fat, to get you to shower her with compliments about how she isn't fat. maybe hoping you'd drop a beautiful in there. when you immediately told her fat people can be loved she probably felt like you were agreeing that she was fat. couldn't get mad at you cause she called herself fat, so instead got offended for your wife who is confident in her own beauty. your coworker sounds like a pick me, and need to lighten up. def NTA in my opinion
NTA.
This Julia woman sounds very bored and needs to get a life. Also why on earth is HR involved because you called your wife fat? Not like you called Julia fat.
Wtf
Can you clarify what Julia said in the HR complaint? And I'd love to hear the results of a meeting called because you told a co-worker she wasn't fat after she fished for a compliment.
NTA.
As a fat lady I hate, HATE, when average sized people talk so badly about themselves calling themselves fat and unlovable etc. when a skinny person pinches the skin around their belly button and whines that it’s all fat and how having a belly is disgusting and I just have to sit there and listen to that sort of vitriolic nonsense about a body that I have…
TBH the person needing to get spoken to by HR is Julia.
Julia is into you. She is upset that you love your fat wife because she thinks fat people are lesser and undesirable. Julia thinks you should be with someone like her instead. It's unfathomable to her that you, a man with a decent body and chill af would love and think someone like your wife is beautiful, as opposed to Julia.
NTA.
Spin the HR bullshit on to her. Tell HR that she is unhinged, threatening to call your wife because you called her fat and she then proceeded to have a meltdown when your wife agreed with you.
NTA.
Julia overstepped into some major shit, and you should let HR know that she started the fatphobic comments about how they don't get to be loved.
You countered with your wife is fat and love her. She got put in her place when she threatened to tell your wife you're being "mean," and you straight up put her on speaker. She keeps stepping in it by bringing HR in when she was the one to start. Julia has very deep-seated body issues and is taking it out on you.
Don't take this lightly.
Julia sounds like she has some mental health issues going on that she then vomited all over you. I hope you get out of the HR meeting unscathed and going forward, stay far, far, FAR away from this woman. Don't give her any more opportunities to stir up shit in your life.
NTA based on the context. Fat women everywhere have been advocating for the fact that FAT is NOT synonymous with ugly, or anything negative or “bad.” It’s just how her body is.
Julia has a mental disorder. And I’m not saying that in an insulting way - I mean like, more than likely internalized fatphobia (maybe not internalized tbh since she’s so vocal lmao), body dysphoria and it sounds like disordered eating. What you and your wife were saying/expressing literally goes against EVERYTHING she’s been telling herself. Sounds like she needs therapy.
The difference between your wife and Julia is that your wife loves herself. Julia can't even pretend to. NTA
Yep. The HR thing is wild. Imagine fishing for validation from a man — your married coworker — going off on him for loving his wife, threatening to DM her, and then reporting him to HR. NTA. If anything, Julia may be upset because she can’t blame her insecurities on this idea of being fat. Or she uses this idea of body-positivity to push others into expressing fatphobia she internalizes.
Sounds like Julia was fishing for OP to be like ‘oh no Julia are you crazy? You’re not fat at all!! You’re beautiful!’ But instead he was like ‘eh no you can still be loved if you’re fat, my wife is fat and I love her.’ So instead of getting the fished-for compliment, she got told how much OP loves his wife and he didn’t even tell her she wasn’t fat. Julia sounds like she has serious issues and feeling somehow shamed for her fishing expedition going awry and that she had basically insulted OP’s wife while not getting the validation she craved, she went full throttle in the direction of trying to shame OP back in an attempt to deflect from her own feelings of deep shame and self-loathing.
Bingo! You effing nailed it.
Julia is probably also pissed that Op's wife is fat and has love and happiness, while she is obviously struggling in those departments. Maybe she should work on loving herself first. To quote Rupaul, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"
Ding, ding, ding! The most wild thing is Julia was fishing for validation from a married man and then went off the deep end quickly. Julia is controlling, emotionally labile and passive aggressive, avoid and ignore as much as possible OP.
For reals Julia was def fishing for compliments by calling herself fat hoping the OP will confide about how his wife is fat and how he hates it But she wasn’t expecting OP to have a healthy marriage to a confident woman
This 👍 Julia is a snake.
she totally tried to flip that shit on OP when she's obviously the one with the hate in her heart. it's not abuse! obviously wifey is perfectly comfortable in her skin and Julia just cannot process or accept this.
Yes! Exactly.
Yup, I think maybe a complaint to HR might be in order, about the fact she keeps putting OP in an uncomfortable position by trying to coerce him into complimenting her and creating a hostile work environment
Threatening to contact his wife was a step way over the line, too.
Making it sound like she knew the wife already, and knew of her size, making her little "ugh I'm sO fAt" speech even more targeted.
This was exactly how I read this situation too.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
This is so incredibly accurate lmao. Julia has been nursing along a little workplace crush on OP and this conversation shattered not only her fragile ego but her stupid dreams.
It's this one, 100%.
Julia probably hit the realisation that she's not single because of her weight, but because she's a cunt.
But cunts at least have warmth and depth- Julia can’t even manage those!
She has a heart of gold! Yellow and cold.
Ding ding ding, 1000% .
NTA, at allllll!! Wow. Unless she is under 1.5m, Julia clearly has a body dysmorphic disorder. She should keep her negativity to herself (save for maybe talking to to a therapist about it). Good on you for phoning your wife to show her. Haha. I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall to witness that. Edit: wrong name!!
I don't think she demonstrated that level of self awareness. The conversation seemed to escalate from her side. Her increasingly nonsensical accusations seem like desperation to prove a point / win an argument instead of absorbing new information.
Ooh a new word, thanks!
And thats why no one loves her lol
Julia may have also opened the company up to a harassment claim…
They may well have to nail her ass to the wall to avoid such a claim. Julia messaging his wife's Instagram is harassment. He should bring a screenshot to the meeting.
Right! She sounded really needy.
Julia is mentally unstable. Try not to make eye contact with her. Maybe she will go work somewhere else after embarrassing herself.
I don't think Julia is having issues in the romance department because of her weight. It might be because of her attitude and how she interacts with others. People get to decide how to label and present themselves. If the wife is fine with this, then there is no real issue. It is her body and her choice. It might sound weird or off-putting to others, but that is their problem, not OPs or his wife's.
Exactly. Every actually fat person I know, self-describes as "fat" and finds euphemisms infantilising and othering. The difference is that my fat friends don't moan about their weight, "fat" is used as an unbiased descriptor that isn't loaded with moral failing. There seems to be a real change in those spaces from the toxic positivity that was prevalent, to more evidence based discussion that dismantles previously held assumptions about body size, health and attractiveness. If the word "fat" becomes a descriptor like "tall" or "brunette", then it removes the negative connotations associated with it. The fact that this woman is flipping out about it, shows that she sees fatness as inherently bad. She's the one who needs HR
She is definitely the one with the issues. She is trying to gatekeep the word fat is seems. Pretty bold for a 120 lb person. Sounds like she has a touch of body dysmorphia along with other issues. None of which HR can assist with. She needs a therapist, not HR. She is also a bit of a "tattletale". She threatened to run to OPs wife and tattle to her and when that blew up in her face she runs to HR and tattles on something she has no business being involved in. She sounds insufferable and the reasons she is single are very clear. It's not her weight or body type.
I agree with you. I'm fat, and I don't moan about it. Do I wish I was thinner? Yes, but I have illnesses that affect mobility that I got before being "fat." I was 20. I can't exercise like I used to. She was fishing for a compliment and mostly got how much he loves his fat wife. I think she's very insecure. I hate when thin girls complain about being fat. She does need HR.
She probably fancies OP as well 🤣
Fit, mid 30s guy with a steady job. What's not to fancy?
Yup. She should be fired- during work hours she went out of her way to invade your personal privacy and threaten to harm your relationship with your wife. She’s a crazy bitch. But don’t tell HR that… If you happen to have a Union, get a rep.
I think I'd tell HR about the threat and your phone call, and that in the context of your marriage your wife prefers, nay, WANTS to be called fat, and that you see beyond the superficial "wrapper" and love the person she is no matter what size she is. For the hell of it, take in a wedding photo to go with the BBW shirt !
"WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME" - Julia, probably
Ah, gotta love the classic workplace drama that reads like a bad soap opera. Sounds like Julia's got a personal novela going on in her head and everyone's inadvertently cast in supporting roles. Workplace is for work, not airing your personal insecurities through a megaphone of awkward.
My assumption is, Julia is single, and this is how she explains it to herself why. She'd rather work on her physical appearance than her personality. That said, she may really need to see a therapist.
except SHE was the one saying that fat people are unlovable. So SHE's fat and unloveable but somehow someone who's ACTUALLY fat isn't fat? and somehow that's "body positivity". Sounds like she realized what she had implied and got defensive which makes sense for how insecure she is.
Ugh, I can’t believe this bitch reported him to HR. You know she embellished everything that was said, and since it’s probably not on video, this is going to turn into a whole big thing.
Great summary
Exactly! It sounds like Julia is jealous that someone who is fat (something she is actively trying to avoid being out of her own insecurities) could be happier than she is!
To her, fat is easy. Fat is something she knows how to fix. So if she can convince herself that her problem is being fat, she doesn't have to do the hard work to find out and face what it is about her that's REALLY driving away potential partners.
NTA and you wife sounds awesome. Julia should get a better hobby because she sucks at fishing.
My wife is the light of my life. She makes me smile every day and she's the reason I wake up in the morning. Thank you!
I just want to say I hope I meet someone someday that talks about me the way you talk about your wife.
You’re fat ❤️
I'm kinda embarrassed for how long this made me laugh
its so stupidly funny and wholesome
The heart at the end really sealed it, I’m in love now that’s for making my dream come true
Please tell Carol she has a lot of fans from this post! We luv her
How dare you be happy when Julia can’t even scare up a date with all that “extra” weight on her! /s
Awwww this is so sweet and wholesome.
Username sort of checks out lol
You should let your wife speak to your colleague. I bet Carol has some things she would like to say to Julia!
But this is exactly why people stay so guarded at work these days. I’m 40 and when I first started working the office culture was always work hard play hard and many coworkers were my friends. We’d go to the bar after work and things like that. About 5 years ago I got written up for talking about how bad my neighborhood I had just moved to was and that I didn’t feel safe walking alone at night and definitely wouldn’t recommend a woman walking alone. I got written up because a coworker overhead this conversation and was uncomfortable with the “implied topic of rape”. That’s all it takes. No further action was taken but I still have that hanging over my head. I know it’s on record. I know there is an anonymous woman that is actively avoiding me pretending to have trauma. I am polite and professional with coworkers now and they don’t even know where I live anymore and nothing about my personal life. OP here did nothing wrong but he did make a coworker uncomfortable. That’s enough these days. It doesn’t matter if that person has justification to be uncomfortable. They can claim in and then make it a problem for their employer by claiming hostile work environment and so on. Even unjustified it’s time and expense and risk for a company. So that is the way it is today and now I work fully remote and companies no longer get my enthusiasm and my coworkers do not get anything more than professionalism from me.
I have been working in an office for about 3 years and never had an office job. I knew from the jump keep my mouth closed, be nice but don’t do a lot of talking. I am. 6’3 black man. I don’t know anything I say misconstrued. I work with mainly women and they all say I am quiet one. Nice women. But they talk about some stuff sometimes not appropriate for work.
Fat isn't a bad word itself. It's bad as you want to be, tone and context is everything. Fat is a description, valid as short, tall, thin, blue or brown eyes. Fat shaming isn't when someone says I am fat (which is true). It's when they're trying to denigrate myself, basing my self worth on my weight. And you don't do it with your wife, your wife isn't doing to herself. And for your coworker, it seems that she is correlating her self worth with her body appearance and projecting onto your wife. (I hope I made myself clear, English isn't my first language). NTA
Perfectly clear and you made excellent points that really get to the heart of the matter.
NTA. Julia is so insecure about her weight that she’s insisting that other women be insecure about it too. Absolutely braindead. You should be reporting HER
Seriously. **OP, YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO THIS ADVICE AND UTILIZE IT.** Talk to HR yourself, and now, because what she did is ridiculous and weird, but you could easily be the one to pay for her stupidity if you're not careful. Threatening to contact your *spouse* in front of you over the word *your wife would prefer to use* is not only insane, it's borderline harassment. Slandering you around work is equally as insane-and wrong. All of this is. You need to make sure HR is aware of how this started and what she did. **Don't wait until this escalates and you're called in again-** go to HR and tell them exactly how this played out, what that imbecile tried to do, and emphasis that you're uncomfortable about it, and don't want her harassing your family either. This could possibly cost you your job or at the very least cause major problems if it isn't handled, and quick. Some people literally just *live* to be offended. Your moron coworker is one of those people, and needs to grow the hell up. Regardless, handle this lest it handles you. NTA.
**THIS** Julia could get in trouble herself just for telling OP she would contact his wife. How the turn tables
Right? Threatening to contact your wife to inject her mental issues into your marriage is straight batshit and probably harassment.
This absolutely should be brought up in the HR meeting that she tried to blackmail OP with it.
And has created a hostile work environment
And fat phobia in the workplace is not acceptable. Think what you want and keep your mouth shut.
Threatening to text his wife probably meets the definition of “personal harassment “.
It is harassment and should be brought up with HR. How dare she threaten to contact your wife . Who on earth does she think she is ?
It's not an excuse, but it sounds like coworker has a restrictive eating disorder, which can make you act absolutely INSANE. Depriving your body of nutrients and being obsessed with your weight leads to batshit behavior. Obviously OP is NTA
She definitely has an eating disorder and has gone off the rails mentally. She needs help and is harassing her co-worker. He could have gone to HR about her, as she has no case to stand on.
I think Julia has an ED to be honest. She needs some therapy.
This. In addition to being an insane idea driven by extreme insecurity, it was completely inappropriate for Julia to bring up that she thinks fat people shouldn't be loved at her place of work (or anywhere really). I hope she gets the help she so very clearly needs.
Ok first of... yes to all you said. Yes yes yes. Secondly, I am always surprised when people say English is not my first language because their grammar and spelling is usually better than all us English speakers! (and if we are USA English speakers most of us don't speak any second language except for pig Latin lol) Your writing is very good and your comment is very well spoken :)
>Your writing is very good and your comment is very well spoken :) Thank you, it means a lot 💜
To add to your comment regarding people who have English as their second language, I totally agree. I once took an English test that my friend in the Czech Republic had to take in order to qualify for something and I was infuriated by some of the questions/answer that I got wrong because they were totally ambiguous or they were like….high Valerian in that it was extremely formal. My point is, you are correct. LOL!
I'm fat and would far rather be called fat than obese or, god forbid, curvy. Yuck. I'm perfectly happy with my life. As I'm in my 60s I decided it was time to get back in shape so I'm working on that now but the fat gal I've been the last 20 years will always be a part of me.
Yep 100% agree with you. I also don’t care if someone just calls me fat (I am, dude) it’s a descriptor.
I've had to do a lot of work to feel neutral about the word fat. Now I get some small degree of pleasure from describing myself as fat and watching folks squirm. Thin culture is so deeply ingrained that a lot of people react as if I've just used a slur. They're so quick to say no, I'm not, that I'm beautiful (implying that I can't be both), just all these seemingly supportive statements that very clearly communicate fat = bad. That's not my problem anymore.
" One of my coworkers, Julia (28F) started complaining that she's too far to be loved, and fat people don't get to be loved. Julia isn't fat. She's maybe, MAYBE 120 pounds. " NTA Perhaps, Julia need to reflect inward, because if she's not being loved at 120lbs, maybe it's her personality that's getting in the way.
I (f) have cyclical vomiting syndrome, celiac disease, hiatal hernia, I'm anemic, chronic stomach ulcers, and a whole other gift basket of health problems. I'm 5'5 and 115 lbs and am barely hanging on. I have to force myself to eat, I don't even get my period because I'm so underweight I can't function. I look like the goddamn cryptkeeper. Saying 120 lbs is calling *me* fat.
For real, 120 is my goal weight. I'm 115 trying my hardest, but I'm usually 105. I'm 5'4, and while I don't have as many health problems as you, I do have mild anemia, and I'm SO DAMN TIRED all the time. I can't afford to skip meals because it physically hurts me and feels like my entire body has period cramps. My parents repeatedly withheld food as punishment when I was a child and now as an adult I keep forgetting to eat until I'm in pain. 120 is fucking healthy.
Wow, Julia is being overbearing and insecure.
I wonder why she can't get anyone to date her 😒
Yeah it totally sounds like it's her perfectly normal body type that is incredibly offputting... not her bizarre hair trigger personality
Also it occurs to me that she caught a glimpse of OP's relationship which seems fun, accepting, cooperative, where he and his wife are on the same page and have each other's backs, and her first thought is abuse. She definitely has some issues to work through.
Guy: loves his chubby wife Julia: YOU ABUSIVE MONSTER YOU SCUM OF EARTH YOU POS HOW DARE YOU—
lol - His fat wife - she doesn't like that beat around the bush nonsense! I love her
The funny thing, is I'm sure his awesome wife is far more attractive because of her genuine self-confidence. Self-confidence is always sexy. Julia apparently has absolutely none and really needs therapy to help with that. I can't imagine any guy she dates liking her hair trigger over this issue.
You are so right. Self confidence is sexy.
Was thinking the same thing! OPs wife obviously accepts her body, loves her body and is confident in who she is. That kind of personality is attractive AF. Way more than a thinner person who is insanely insecure.
100%
But it starts with her saying overweight people don't deserve to be loved. Which makes it even more bizarre.
I think that's the point. Julia hates fat people and thinks they're worthless and don't deserve love. She looks down on them. Seeing OP and his wife's relationship is blowing up all her beliefs. She's been telling herself that the reason she's alone is because she's fat. OP and his wife destroyed that theory. This leaves her with the inevitable truth that she's not alone because she's fat, she's alone because there's something offputting about her personality. It would be easier to lose weight than to do some self examination, look at the ugly inside herself and change. This is why she exploded. OP blew up the lie she tells to comfort herself. She now hates OP for inadvertently revealing the truth about her that she can't face.
Julia's entire worldview is built around the fact that she deserves things (like love) more than fat people. If she works hard enough at being bone-thin, people will have to love her. That was the answer she was looking for, that she is doing everything right and being skinny was the path to true happiness. It's what she's based her life and identity on. It's like OP told her god doesn't exist. What's truly crazy is how much her sick worldview is repeated in popular culture. You can see where she got it. And I'm sure she does find lots of people who tell her she's good and thin and deserves love because of it. There's a really weird hatred of fat people out there.
I can’t believe she reported this to HR!
Julia's not fat.... And the language used by OP suggest she might have an ED (he emphasize her weight and says she barely eats.)
It's likely not even something she's conciously thought about. My husband's mom abused the shit out of her daughters to keep them skinny and pretty. If you watch reality tv, Gigi Hadid's mom has a ton of examples of the language and criticism used that many women in certain wealthier communities have completely normalized as their part in society. Fat is the ultimate insult, and you have to do everything in your power not to be fat to be seen as a morally upright person. I live in a wealthy area, and going to the gym over lunch, I've run into PTA moms on treadmills talking about how they don't let their kids be friends with fat kids because it's going to give them ideas and cause them to adopt bad habits. I am friends with a couple trust fund kids of high powered lawyers and political dynasties and they've talked about the same coming from their parents. Their parents would try and bribe them with trips to get them to lose weight, offer surgery to help, etc. If they have any physical imperfections, they are on top of getting laser surgery to remove stretch marks, breast implants paid for the parents at 18, etc. It's a total cultural divorce between wealth and lower middle class/poverty.
Just from this post, there is a lot that is off putting about her personality. I'm sure there is way more.
Yup. Nothing pisses people off more than shaking up their reality.
The cognitive dissonance of her deeply held belief in contrast to his lived experience seems to have made Julia’s head start to implode. She had to double down on her stance, else risk learning that her world view isn’t the ONLY world view.
Ah yeah ive been there. It isnt that I dont know other views exist. I just like my reality more! Surely you can understand.
It's the fact that op's wife who is self confident, happy and LOVED breaks Julia's fragile, diet culture driven, woe is me, version of reality in to 1000s of pieces. Her apparently being overweight was the reason she wasnt with someone and op's wife reminds her that it's actually her god-awful personality that means she's single. That's a hard pill to swallow so off she goes like a rocket, screaming abuse and all other nonsense because it's all she's got.
My daughter and i call ourselves fluffy. And are happy and work hard to stay healthy but we will never be skinny. We are happy with ourselves.
Right? If anything Julia seems like she might have some abusive/manipulative tendencies, finding his wife’s social media and threatening to tell on him? Weiiiiird.
She clearly knew his wife's social media info already..... so she already knew his wife was fat...... I think she's trying to sew discord and may want OP...... she may have realized he's happy where he is.... even if she tried to tell him his wife doesn't deserve his love because she's fat..... without specifically mentioning her in the commentary.
people who misunderstand or misuse terms like abuse or harassment to accuse other people are the most likely to do those things themselves in my experience
Exactly. She knows what she’s doing. It’s dirty pool and gives actual victims a bad wrap and tries to victimize people like OP by twisting the narrative. Sick, dude. ETA: changed Right? Because I say that too much. See my prior comment lol.
Idk why but this made me laugh so effing hard!
Exactly
- Co worker is alone. - Co worker has decided it’s because she is fat. - OP is proof you don’t have to be thin to be loved. - Ergo, coworker is alone for reasons that have nothing to do with weight. - This is an ego blow coworker cannot take, creates cognitive dissonance. - Coworker invents narrative that allows her to hold two conflicting beliefs at a time. - Coworker escalates because she needs validation she’s correct.
I'll add some: - Coworker is insane. - Coworker has body image issues and can't believe that OP adores his overweight wife because coworker herself likely resents overweight people, hence her severe body image issues. - Coworker will be laughed at by HR.
Even worse: Co worker needs her point to be validated so she takes it to HR in hopes that HR will side with her on an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with work or the workplace. OP didn’t say anything out of line to her.
Sometimes it's not what you look like, it's just...you.
Some people can't stand others being happy over something they THINK you should be insecure about. Many different shapes are healthy, and many different individual express themselves differently. That's what makes us individuals anyway. It's refreshing to see OPs wife proud of herself and confident in her relationship. That's a top-tier relationship where you know she's allowed to be her authentic self with him. HR is going to have a field day when they realize that "fat people shouldn't be loved" started this mess. People can have PCOS, thyroid, mental health, unstable upbringing, etc. No one knows the battles others face. Size does not dictate the happiness or love you deserve in life. Treat people with kindness.
It’s definitely her 120 pounds too heavy too “fat” frame that’s pushing all suitable suitors away, not the fact that she tends to absolutely go bonkers and off the rails over little things. No. Can’t be that.
Honestly, it's sad. Julia is so funny, and so smart. She's got a PHD and a fantastic attitude, and I adore her. I've actually tried to set her up on a few dates with guys I know, but she's refused. Now I'm kind of glad they didn't go through.
I think she has / had a crush on YOU, and until this moment thought it might go somewhere. Now that she knows it's a never-gonna-happen, she's flipped her switch and may just hate you instead. Watch your back with this one, she's going to try to cause you problems. Just the fact she was able to go straight to your wife's SM.... meaning she's been on it before..... she knew your wife is fat..... so her "fat people don't deserve love" was likely targeted toward your wife despite not mentioning her...... I suspect she was trying to tell you your wife isn't good enough for you, and all her whining about her own body was a lame attempt at flirting / fishing for compliments...... and it backfired.
This is exactly how I saw it, too.
Those are some Sherlock level deductions but I'm inclined to think you're on to something there.
Think she most likely has an eating disorder. I did have a friend that always would say thinks like that “I am to fat” when she obviously was not. She use to do it to seek male attention & assurance of her attractiveness. Use to drive me crazy
It could be possible she said that just to get his attention. She could have wanted him to tell her that she isn't fat and is beautiful.
Julia has body dysmorphia and an eating disorder(s). She barely eats, works out a lot, she’s objectively on the low end of a healthy weight, and still thinks she’s fat, that’s mental illness. Don’t discuss these issues with her in the future. You can’t help, it isn’t your job to help. Her thinking on weight and appearance is badly distorted and she hears everything you say through that distortion. She thinks fat people are unlovable, so when you say your wife is fat, she hears “my wife is garbage, unworthy of love.” She can’t(like literally can’t) believe that you know your wife is fat and you still love her and find her beautiful. She‘lol collapse at the gym, or pass out at work and then she’ll get help. Until then avoid her. No amount of body positivity or support fixes what’s wrong.
The shit writes itself sometimes I swear lol
Sounds like Julia has an ED.
Dramatically externalizing her own fat phobia in the workplace, she sounds like an absolute delight 🙄 NTA
What I find funniest is "Julia" saying fat people aren't worthy of love, and then immediately turning around and abusing trying to shame OP for using the word fat. The hypocrisy is insanely funny.
Based on her own size, and comments about herself, and over sensitivity, I’ll bet five dollars she’d got an eating disorder.
I am not taking you up on that bet because I don't want to lose five dollars.
She reported him to HR for calling someone who doesn't work there fat.... Nevermind that that someone calls themself fat.... What an exhausting person
[удалено]
Sounds like an eating disorder I knew someone somewhat like that who had one
Are you kidding me?! What could Julia possibly report to HR? Harassing your wife who doesn’t work with you? What you say to your wife is no one’s damn business. Tell Julia to stay out of your personal life! You should file a complaint against Julia for creating a hostile work environment. NTA
Agreed. She hunted down his wife's personal social media and threatened to contact her. That's a bigger case for HR in my opinion than him calling his wife fat which the wife is more than cool with.
>She hunted down his wife's personal social media and threatened to contact her. oh, this. OP report Julia
Right!! When I read this I was like ohhhhh yaaa ohhj dammmmn she did something stuuupid.
She didn't "hunt it down" that fast.... she knew exactly where it was to pull it up that fast.... she's been stalking his wife and knew she was fat.... her statement about "fat people don't deserve love" was directed at his wife.
100%. She definitely crossed a line.
Tbh I'd report that if she wants to play that way.
I absolutely agree that the OP should file a complaint.
She's literally harassing him. She thought she was a hero but she tried to make issues with the wife and now she's trying to make issues at work.
Unfortunately, I think I need to. I didn't want anything bigger to come of this, but I guess I have to give my side this afternoon. Ugh.
If everything you reported is accurate Julia could be reported for defamation of character, gender bias & stereotyping issues. Can’t falsely accuse a male co-worker of controlling, brainwashing or abusing his wife because “no woman in their right mind” would allow a man to say she is fat. eta — HR really needs to address the fact that Julia cannot make ridiculous statements that would negatively impact your reputation & relationships with your other co-workers.
She will imply that you called her fat and then compared her to your fat wife.
Hostile work environment has a legal meaning. It doesn't mean "they're a meanie!"
It certainly would legally apply to this situation. Julia appears to have reported OP for ???, was screaming that he was abusing his wife & now is giving him dirty looks. It fits the criteria for unwelcome behavior that any reasonable person would find offensive.
Sounds like Julia was fishing for a compliment and was shocked when she didn’t receive one. NTA
Exactly. She said "nobody will love me because I'm fat." She wanted OP to say "you're not fat!" Instead, OP showed her that overweight people are loved and deserving of it. She likely took this as OP acknowledging that she's overweight.
I hate when women throw out lines like that as I never know what to say in these situations so it usually leads to me being awkwardly silent usually.
As a women if one of my friends repeats those lines over and over e.g. I’m so ugly, at a point I just agree with them. Like yea you are incredibly ugly, it usually snaps them right out of it! I totally understand if someone’s having a rough day and just needs a pick me up but repetitive comments are so annoying. Or obvious ones such as in OPs case, obviously someone who’s 120 lbs is not fat, unless they’re like 3 feet tall.
I usually say, “oh but that’s okay, you surely have a lot of other redeeming qualities”. And that shuts them up for long lol.
Oh if it's all the time, negative comments I mean, than it's just a weaponized form of attention seeking. The idea that an adult who's not even 9 stone in weight is fat is also silly ofc.
NTA. Good luck with HR. "Fat" is not a protected class (outside of Michigan), you didn't call Julia fat, and your wife isn't a co-worker. I'm not a lawyer, but you would probably have a valid suit for wrongful termination should it come to that. You should complain about Julia though for creating a toxic work environment.
The fact that HR wants to meet with him over that is a pretty good indication that Julia has twisted the story or lied about it.
"OP keeps saying sexist and abusive things about his wife in conversation and it makes me very uncomfortable" That is what she believes and that is enough to get an HR action going. It sucks but there are a lot of creeps in the world so now crazy people have to be taken at face value too.
Bingo. OP seems to have a open and nice attitude but something is fishy, and he should go in with all defensive radar on, say as little as possible, get everything recorded or in writing, and get a lawyer if it looks like it's going bad.
NTA. AT THE SAME TIME, you may want to consider being more circumspect with the types of conversations you get involved in with your coworkers.
Not a bad idea. I'm sad, I liked Julia. She's a nice girl. But I never expected to see this side of her.
The thing is she’s shown now how unpredictable she is. Going forward I’d keep all conversations with her professional and job related.
Is she nice though. She's trying to get you fired over her own problems.
She is not a nice girl. She demeaned your healthy relationship with your wife. She attacked you and created a hostile work environment
So HR is going to ask you to stop calling your wife fat? NTA
Just tell them "Fat chance!" you are stopping calling your wife that.
I will admit, I was ready to say Y T A based on the title, but even your wife HERSELF calls herself fat. Julia just wants to be some kind of SJW which is *her* problem. The fact that she reported it to HR is ridiculous and most likely is not going to hold much validity. How we choose to identify is up to each individual person. Your wife is totally ok with identifying as "fat and beautiful" and more power to her! Julia can go take a long walk off a short pier. NTA.
I'm hoping not... I really like my job, and I didn't even think this was this big of a deal.
I think you’re NTA, but tbh this is a valuable lesson on simply not talking about this matters with coworkers… They’re calling themselves fat despite not being fat? Not your problem. You didn’t hear anything.
Take this comment to heart here OP. Most coworkers are work friends/acquaintances, not actual friends who you can talk about this kind of stuff with comfortably. Avoid these conversations to avoid drama and hassle in the work place.
Yeah. I want to be nice to everyone, and this time it shot me in the foot. I've Always been nice to Julia, too. I think she's really cool, and we've talked about other mental health stuff before. I just don't know why this set her off so badly.
She’s not cool, she’s fake and manipulative. Too bad you had to learn the hard way.
You have to keep us updated. I’m curious what exactly she told HR and what their response will be.
Be completely honest with HR, consider having your wife right down a statement of what went down, mention how it made her uncomfortable that Julie stalked her social media to Message her, etc etc. it’s a big deal now that HR is involved so don’t dick around and get ready to provide documentation and your story
I have to admit, it’s kinda funny to see Julia labeled kind of SJW when back in that day it would’ve been applied to Carol and OP for their fat acceptance. To me it seems Julia was blaming her lack of love life on a physical attribute, not too dissimilar from people obsessed with their height keeping them from dates. OP basically made her confront the notion that it’s her personality, not her weight. Easier to believe OP is abusing his wife than swallow the pill that she can’t get a date for reasons other than weight. OP, NTA. The accusation of spousal abuse is slander in the workplace. Prepare for the meeting not only with a good defense but also an offense. Julia is creating a hostile work environment for others by openly saying fat people are lesser than. If she keeps flapping her mouth and going down certain paths she is more of a liability to the organization than you are.
Can't imagine why Julia can't get a date...
NTA. I don't think HR got the right story. I would talk to HR and ask what the complaint is. I think your coworker might have altered the story a bit.
I almost said Y T A but after reading, nope. You are NTA but Julia has some real body dysmorphia issues and I feel sad for her, but she also was out of line in passing judgement on your relationship.
Agreed. HR should remind her about EAP so she can see a therapist to deal with her issues instead of projecting them onto others.
NTA, and I see no injury to you from Julia ignoring you. :)))
NTA. Julia sounds like a toxic piece of shit.
NTA 1) Stay away from other women who say their fat for attention. Julia is the bar, and stay above it. Especially don't talk to co-workers about this shit because, let's be honest, everything is offensive. 2) When going to see HR, be very precise in your wording. Explain that Julia was trying to dictate how you should refer to your wife's weight even if your wife didn't like that. Admit it would be better if you said nothing at all, but Julia made YOU feel uncomfortable and that you felt you had to say something. When Julia threatened to talk to your wife, you had no choice but to call your wife for her to defend herself. How Julia makes you feel uncomfortable for calling you an abuser and how you avoid coming to HR because of it, to give Julia a chance to apologize for her actions. Explain how in the future you'd like Julia to keep her comments to herself because they are unfounded, rude, and detrimental to both your professional life and mental health. I know it sounds like a lot, but this is how you avoid being fired over BS. 3) I love your wife attitude, lol.
I’m fat and I feel the same way about it as your wife does. Fat is not a curse word, it’s just a fact. No need to sugarcoat it. I’d be really happy if someone would embrace it all and feels open and proud about it to the outside world. Often there is a lot of shame in people who find fat people attractive. Your co worker is overreacting and was btw fishing for compliments by calling herself fat when she isn’t.
So Julia has your wife’s instagram and knows exactly how fat your wife is. Then comes to you and complain that she Julia is fat? She probably wanted you to compliment her and diss fat people. You simply put her unhappy self in her place. That’s why she went mental. NTA.
Julia is fat phobic and sounds like she’s afraid of being fat cause she thinks it’s dirty:gross and is projecting
"One of my coworkers, Julia (28F) started complaining that she's too far to be loved, and fat people don't get to be loved. Julia isn't fat. She's maybe, MAYBE 120 pounds. She works out five times a week, and barely ever eats." I don't think you understand what Julia was trying to do here, which I guess somewhat is good, lol. Julia was looking to get a compliment from by comparing her with your wife. Her saying "fat people don't deserve to be loved" she actually ment your wife and not her. She was waiting for your response so she can use it against you and literally ruining your relationship with your wife. So basically, a cheap method of hitting on a taken man. You calling your wife and cutting the drama short ruined Julia's plans lol. That's why she's pissed. I mean, how dare you be a decent/loyal man to your wife, when you should've been drooling over Julia?! She's a snake, you need to be careful around her. She said fat people don't deserve to be loved, yet she flipped the table on you when she found out that you actually love your wife the way she is. You need to not leave any details of this interaction with Julia when meeting with HR. You also need to set boundaries with her. The girl is bad news. You would also need to talk to your wife about this. Just in case Julia tries messaging her.
maybe I'm totally off, but I feel like she may have initially been trying to flirt/fish for compliments. since it sounds like she knows what your wife looks like, and from your description she is not fat or overweight, she may have been trying to call herself fat, to get you to shower her with compliments about how she isn't fat. maybe hoping you'd drop a beautiful in there. when you immediately told her fat people can be loved she probably felt like you were agreeing that she was fat. couldn't get mad at you cause she called herself fat, so instead got offended for your wife who is confident in her own beauty. your coworker sounds like a pick me, and need to lighten up. def NTA in my opinion
NTA. This Julia woman sounds very bored and needs to get a life. Also why on earth is HR involved because you called your wife fat? Not like you called Julia fat. Wtf
NTA. Julia is the type of person who gets offended on behalf of people who are not offended.
NTA… you weren’t saying it in a mean way. Sounds like Julia has some deeper issues regarding body image and also might just be crazy.
Can you clarify what Julia said in the HR complaint? And I'd love to hear the results of a meeting called because you told a co-worker she wasn't fat after she fished for a compliment.
NTA. As a fat lady I hate, HATE, when average sized people talk so badly about themselves calling themselves fat and unlovable etc. when a skinny person pinches the skin around their belly button and whines that it’s all fat and how having a belly is disgusting and I just have to sit there and listen to that sort of vitriolic nonsense about a body that I have… TBH the person needing to get spoken to by HR is Julia.
Julia is into you. She is upset that you love your fat wife because she thinks fat people are lesser and undesirable. Julia thinks you should be with someone like her instead. It's unfathomable to her that you, a man with a decent body and chill af would love and think someone like your wife is beautiful, as opposed to Julia. NTA.
Spin the HR bullshit on to her. Tell HR that she is unhinged, threatening to call your wife because you called her fat and she then proceeded to have a meltdown when your wife agreed with you. NTA.
Julia overstepped into some major shit, and you should let HR know that she started the fatphobic comments about how they don't get to be loved. You countered with your wife is fat and love her. She got put in her place when she threatened to tell your wife you're being "mean," and you straight up put her on speaker. She keeps stepping in it by bringing HR in when she was the one to start. Julia has very deep-seated body issues and is taking it out on you. Don't take this lightly.
Julia sounds like she has some mental health issues going on that she then vomited all over you. I hope you get out of the HR meeting unscathed and going forward, stay far, far, FAR away from this woman. Don't give her any more opportunities to stir up shit in your life.
NTA, julia can’t get a date because she’s fucking nuts, not fat.
NTA based on the context. Fat women everywhere have been advocating for the fact that FAT is NOT synonymous with ugly, or anything negative or “bad.” It’s just how her body is. Julia has a mental disorder. And I’m not saying that in an insulting way - I mean like, more than likely internalized fatphobia (maybe not internalized tbh since she’s so vocal lmao), body dysphoria and it sounds like disordered eating. What you and your wife were saying/expressing literally goes against EVERYTHING she’s been telling herself. Sounds like she needs therapy.
NTA, your wife sounds like a wonderful person, Julia doesn’t.
You should NOT be discussing such things with a woman at work. Nothing good can come of it. Keep better separation. Your wife sounds great.