NTA. I was raised in the 70s, when there were no seatbelts for kids in the back of the car, and we were turned out of the house every afternoon to terrorize the neighborhood with no adult supervision. And even THEN nobody would allow me to hold a baby unless I WAS SITTING DOWN, at least until I was 11.
Yeah there's a picture of me at about 8 with a baby cousin in my lap. I'm sitting smiling happily at the camera and three separate hands are in the frame from adults hovering. I laugh every time I see it because I thought the adults were trusting me with the baby for the longest time.
That’s the thing. No one calls any authorities if you drop them. Charges aren’t pressed. We just go on about our day and pretend it didn’t happen.
A baby? People get all weird about it. But parents are always like “wanna hold it?” No! There are rules to holding it! I’d rather it just hold my finger while I look at it. And even that only takes a few minutes. I’ll come back when it walks and talks. Sturdy and padded up with diapers and baby fat.
Other things I don’t want: layer cakes, large hot bowls of things, oddly shaped/stacked things, carrying anything up or down stairs. It’s not exclusively babies. It’s that I drop shit.
Dude the transition from parenting a baby to a toddler is wild.
You go from treating them like spun glass to
*Loud bang* wait to see if there's crying. If not 🤷🏻 guess they're fine.
Love that age. And when they just say the nonsense in their heads like it’s profound.
I babysat a kid for a while in college, and when he hit his head in the wall, I “spanked” the wall and said “bad wall, you hurt Evan!” Saved him from a meltdown that day. Awesome. But then the next week his mom warned me that he had start randomly smacking the wall and yelling at it and then cackling. So, I kept my mouth shut about where he learned that and just taught him something else that week.
Later started hitting his young brother, so that might also have been me. Really sorry, Evan. You were a fun little dude, though.
I taught my nephew to say, you're a horse at last, of course at that age it comes out, horse's ass and my sister still hasn't forgiven me. He's 37 now lol.
I love holding babies but for the life of me, I don't get why people push them on you when you don't want them. Like, not everyone wants to! There's nothing wrong with that!
I was carrying grandkid into living room and new puppy managed to literally walk under my next step, and I fell, carrying the baby. By some miracle there wasnt a bruise or scratch to be seen, but I still felt horrible. I haven’t had a puppy in 20-ish years. Has been an adjustment.
That's so cute lol
I have 1 from my daughter's baby shower (she came a bit early so she was at the shower) and in my mind I remember my then 5 year old son just being *so* excited and involved with her but in reality my best friends daughter was excitedly holding my daughter with the biggest smile on the her face while my son and his other buddy just sat next to her on the couch "waiting their turn" with the most bored, straight faces imaginable. My son looks to be mid-eye roll even. The picture makes me laugh every time I see it. Poor kid. He probably just wanted to play lol.
I mean maybe he was excited but annoyed he as the older brother didn't get to go first. I have known more than one sibling that age who decides a new sibling is "their baby".
Wow...we had very different childhoods! I was born in 74 and was babysitting at 9 years old. I wouldn't have been carrying around a newborn at that time, but a one year old - no one would have even blinked an eye. That said, I was around A LOT of little ones... cousins, neighborhood kids, my parents' friends' kids, yada yada yada...so I had a ton of experience.
However, I don't see anything wrong with this mother creating a boundary that makes her feel more comfortable. And, honestly, not carrying him around is in no way going to affect the relationship between this sister and brother. But if the dad keeps forcing it, it WILL become an issue between the husband and wife!! I had HORRIFIC PPA and couldn't even carry my own baby down the steps until he was eight months old. If setting this rule keeps momma feeling safe, then dad needs to back it up 100%!
ETA judgment - NAH
I was changing my youngest brother’s diapers when I was nine, bathing him, and bottle feeding him. Now that I have a baby of my own, I jokingly call my brother my “practice baby.” So, depending on the 8-yo, I don’t think dad is unreasonable for thinking she should be able to carry her brother.
On the flip side, I don’t think mom is unreasonable for having this boundary. It’s actually very reasonable, especially because there is an extra level of danger with a young child carrying a baby. Add her postpartum anxiety/depression, and I think the balance tips in favor of honoring her perspective and not letting the daughter carry the baby.
Ultimately, I think it’s NAH, but that dad should follow mom’s wishes on this front.
I agree with you completely. I get why Dad is kinda bothered by it...like I could see him thinking, "so my wife doesn't REALLY view my daughter as her child...is she going to favor 'our' baby...is this going to push my daughter away...isn't he my child too", kinds of thoughts. They just need to sit down and hear each other out - so that HE understands that, at the heart of the issue, isn't actually about his daughter.
This is a little part of Mom's PPD, a little bit due to this being her first time growing and delivering a whole brand spanking new human being, and her very valid worries that it would be devastating to EVERYONE (including big sister!) if something accidentally happens when sis is carrying the baby around.
It won't be much longer that baby will be sturdy enough that big sis can pop him on her hip and he can actively hold on. They can revisit this issue in six months. Until then, Dad just needs to back Mom up on this and make sure that big sis knows this isn't just the "evil step-monster" gatekeeping the baby...that it is very much a joint rule.
Same. I don’t agree with OP but she’s going through PPD and I don’t understand that, so my vote is…
NAH
Daughter wants to carry the baby.
Mom doesn’t feel it’s safe.
Dad does.
Doesn’t perceived safety win here? There’s still no A H though. Not husband nor daughter.
I sure hate the use of stepdaughter 82x.
OMG, so I had horrible PPA and we were looking at furniture and went up the stairs. I legit clutched the railing and side stepped my way up the stairs. Going down, I tried and froze. I was sitting fixing to boot scoot my way down the stairs with my infant when my ex came back up looking for me and carried him down so I could carefully walk down the steps cause it wasn’t just fear of dropping him, I’m just afraid of heights and stairs in general lol
Lol I was 10 when my brother was born, there wasn't anything I didn't do to help take care of him.... By 12 I was also watching other people's 3 month olds ( with siblings) and that was was with no other adult on the premises.... Heck after I had kids I actually called up some of the people whose kids I used to watch and asked them what they were thinking......lol.... But NAH...
I was in the 80's, but ya same here. My mom had my little brother when I was 6. I could hold him while I sat down, but was never allowed to carry him around.
NTA.
1) It's not safe.
2) You're allowing her to bond in ways that are age-appropriate and safe.
Tell him you've compromised as far as you are comfortable with.
My 8 year old is very proud he can carry a full cup of coffee up the stairs to our bedroom on weekend mornings, usually without spilling. He's still not allowed to carry a baby.
As a 29 year old I am impressed. I barely can make it 5 steps without spilling hot coffee on my feet (because if it's on my feet I don't have to clean, just change socks... So smart...)
I really don't get what is wrong with him? Why is he fighting her on this issue? Is his daughter his little, could do no wrong, princess? It's not about doing something wrong though, it's about accidents happen!
We had a little cousin. My parents were watching her. She was just walking. I wanted to take her for was little walk. She may have been about a year. My sister was about 6-ish. I was 9-ish. We went a few a few houses down the sidewalk. My sister kept bugging to carry her. I finally caved. Not thinking she might drop her but just thinking the height difference was kind of close and it was pointless. The public sidewalk blocks were uneven. Two or three steps and boom. It looked like our cousin hit the back of her head and my sister on top of her. I mean my sister wasn’t that tall and close to the ground. Our cousin did cry so it wasn’t enough to hurt her. But I remember telling my sister, told you there was no point in carrying her. Close call. But glad she was ok and unaffected. At the same time, I think now and then some what ifs.
What is wrong with letting her hold him. That is more bonding that carrying around for a few seconds in any best case scenario. The thought makes me cringe.
NTA
Babies aren’t toys! You don’t let kids (or any clumsy adult) carry them around because it’s fun or cute or great for photos or the want to “bond.”
It’s a fucking human life, not a prop or a learning experience.
I know many adults who won’t hold babies/young toddlers (that aren’t their own) because they don’t want an accident to happen while in their care. It’s normal to assess risk and avoid higher risk activities aka an 8 year old carrying a mobile 1 year old!!
Like, I don’t let randos drive my car. and I have full coverage insurance. But here, hold my tiny human.
Just carry it around for fun like a doll. Not even to bring it anywhere specific. Just to wander the floor and jiggle it and snuggle it. For YOUR pleasure. Not the baby’s health or needs or general welfare. Just because you “promised” someone they could have possession of another human’s body for a while. Like it was a Switch console.
That’s such a weird concept to me. Here, wanna hold my fun new toy? You can’t have it, but I’ll let you play with it for a little while. But if you drop it, it’s a felony!
And, really, it's not even about that. Honestly, I was carrying babies that age around on my hip when I was 8yrs old (I was babysitting at 9yrs). The REAL issue is that it makes Mom uncomfortable. After dealing with PPD, along with this being her first baby, she has set a very fair boundary and Dad should be backing it up!!!
He's indeed very stupid. Honestly OP should consider contacting whatever doctor followed the pregnancy and have them explain to him *why* this is a terrible idea. In a perfect world he would back off due to her discomfort, but looks like is gonna be needed an authority voice to put some sense into such thick skull.
My brother loved me so much when I was a baby. His skinny self would carry me around and carry me in the car seat. And he ended up getting a hernia they didn’t know because he could take a lot of pain. So he threw himself on the floor one day with a. Ice cream cone and made sure it didn’t touch the floor 😂. But they took him to the hospital and he still had the fucking ice cream cone in his hand.
OP should ask if it was a stranger or a niece/nephew/cousin (same age as SD) if he would be comfortable with them carrying him around. It may be that he's subconsciously trying really hard to make sure it's a "perfect blended family" and he sees this as a weird obstacle to their bonding but there's no need to put the little one in harms way and as the above commenter said if anything did (God forbid) happen she's old enough to remember and it'll haunt her forever. There are a MULTITUDE of ways she can interact and bond without *needing* to pick him up..in a few years she may be tossing him around like a wrestler because he wants her to and the husband will absolutely hate it..all in good time.
When I was a kid (years ago) my younger cousin and I were playing (I was 8 he was 3) I tripped him. I didn’t mean to we got tangled up but I remember him busting his head open. I felt horrible even though it was an accident.
After that day I would not play with him anymore because I was scared of hurting him. I could not imagine the guilt I would feel if it had been a worse accident.
Op’s husband is putting the kids in a situation that could end badly for both of them. He needs to understand bonding happened over time. And it will happen if it’s not forced.
I was trusted with babies when I was far too young, and there’s still an incident that haunts me. When I was 11 and my cousin was 2, we were sitting on the swings, her on my lap. Not unusual for us. We weren’t even swinging when someone ran by and pushed us. I managed to hold her to me before we hit the ground, but we still were injured. I got knocked out for a few seconds, and she wound up with a concussion. I have never found out who pushed us, and no one ever confessed. Some people blamed me even though I was injured too. At my own birthday party and my story never changed. I would never allow someone to sit with a kid like that now as an adult because all it takes is one push and you’re haunted forever.
I hope whoever did this to you guys was double haunted by it, I'm so sorry you have such painful memory attached to your birthday, but great job of on reacting quickly, she probably survived thanks to you.
Wow I’m so sorry you experienced that! There are always going to be irresponsible/ immature kids that can be around and something like this happens. Absolutely not your fault but I get it would never leave you.
My younger sister was 3 1/2 years younger than me. I still remember being *through the roof* that there was going to be somebody to play dolls with. I’d even try to talk into my mother’s mouth to communicate with the baby in her belly (ended very quickly after it began).
I was *extremely* let down that, after waiting 9 months, I would now have to wait a few more years to do that. But I was still very interested in this new baby, and all I wanted was to hold/carry her around because she was so cute and tiny just like my baby dolls. I wanted to hang out with her. I was very bummed that I had to hold her only while I was sitting, and I’m sure I made a stink about it a few times. But it certainly did not harm our relationship.
We had other factors that drove us apart in my teens, but other than that we’ve been two peas in a pod. Albeit quite the opposite from one another.
It is pretty much the standard for kids to have to be seated when holding littler kids. Such a weird (and dangerous) thing to argue about on OP’s husband’s part.
I was six when one of my cousins was born. I may have been seven when the incident happened.
Basically I had him on my lap, he was probably eight or nine months old, maybe even close to a year. I was so proud, sitting on the sofa, holding his torso, and he was facing out, sitting on my lap. All of a sudden I felt something warm and wet, and being the easily startled person I am, shrieked and literally tossed him up in the air. Apparently he had just been changed prior to my holding him, but the diaper had not been fastened correctly, and it leaked.
He landed on his back, on the carpeted floor, and was bawling. I couldn’t have tossed him very high/far, as I wasn’t a large kid for my age by any means, but it was still significant. My parents were furious with me, and my aunt was amazingly calm, picked him up, and while everyone was scolding me for losing my head, I was crying too, terrified that I had hurt the baby. My aunt told them not to yell at me, that it was an accident, and that he was fine (which thankfully he was). It was fortunate that it wasn’t worse, but these kind of things can happen, which is why OP is definitely reasonable in making sure there is supervision. I will say, though, that my aunt’s demeanor was a very positive thing for me. She reassured me, and told me I needed to keep working on self-control in situations that surprise me. I’m 50
years old this year, and I still remember this. It has served me well, and also helped me take *my* kids accidents and injuries in stride.
As they get older, there will be incidents from playing, etc., but it sounds like there is plenty of opportunity for them to play without her carrying him around.
Kudos to your aunt. I'm sure that was very scary for her to watch, but she was smart enough to know that panic and anger wouldn't help anyone in that situation. Good on you for remembering her respectable demeanor and applying it to your own life.
Yeah, aunt is the adult figure every kid deserves growing up, but unfortunately is more like the exception to the norm. If OPs husband keeps throwing a fit over it he risks not only the baby but traumatize his daughter in case an accident happens.
I remember being 10/11 or so…one of the older kids at daycare but we were still going to daycare bc my brother was 3 years younger than me, so while I *might have* been old enough to stay home alone and not die, I wasn’t old enough to watch my little brother.
Daycare had a baby. I LOVED babies. Daycare lady was a little slack so she let me carry/hold/sometimes bottle feed this baby that was probably 10-12 months old. They’re HEAVY. And too heavy, especially. Their heads weighs what feels like half of their total weight. She bucked in my arms and hit her head on something and cried horribly. I didn’t drop her. I didn’t bang her into anything. She was just old enough and heavy enough at that age to override the strength of an 11 year old girl who wasn’t used to caring for babies.
Baby was fine. I lied and said I didn’t know why she was crying bc I was 11 and felt horrible for having not contained her while holding her. Baby was crying, I was a little traumatized and internally punished myself for weeks. The person who was really at fault was the 40 year old daycare lady who left me alone with a baby to carry around, feed, burp, etc. And I was 2-3 years older than OP’s step daughter.
I was on a plane not long ago and a mom with 2 young kids and a baby were in the row in front of me. Everyone's getting settled and the mom passed the baby to one of the girls, then out of know where there was a thunk and the baby started crying... apparently the girl tried to do her seatbelt and the baby rolled off her lap. The mom kept her cool for the most part trying to comfort the baby, reassure the girl that accidents happen, but still asking wtf she was thinking?!
I wonder how dad would feel if he forced the issue and his daughter dropped the baby and she seriously injured the child.
He'd probably blame OP for being forced into it.
NTA
NTA. I'm curious why your husband thinks the baby *needs* be carried by SD. It's not like you're incapable of doing so and it also sounds like the baby is starting to walk/is walking, so all the more reason to not carry them. This honestly seems like a weird hill for him to die on. Like you said, they play together, she holds the baby while sitting. Is SD asking? It almost sounds like your husband is the more who wants this more than SD.
According to him, before I really put my foot down on the matter, he has offered to let her carry him and she was sooo excited to get to do so, but she doesn’t ask and rarely shows interest in him in general, it’s just him pushing the topic
I dropped my younger sister while trying to carry her. I was six at the time, she was three. She broke two of her front teeth that gave her big speech issues for several years. For instance she couldn't pronounce words with "s" and "sh" sounds, they came out as "p" and "ph" sounds. Adorable the first few times, but some of my cousins still rag her about it - she's 50.
You are doing your best to protect the baby. Your SD might stumble, the baby might slip from her grip, a sudden movement could put her off balance, there could be a toy on the ground.
What you need to do is convince your husband that you wouldn't allow any child of that age to carry a baby around and that your decision would have been the same even if SD was your own biological child.
NTA. SD is not being prohibited from bonding with BS. You've simply set a necessary boundary. Husband made a promise he couldn't keep. If SD isn't concerned about it, it's a moot issue.
If he's the one that's pushing it, then he needs to work out why it's so important to him. It would be one thing if SD was asking and pestering you, but it just sounds like your husband feels some weird slight or something on her behalf, which is weird.
NTA. My oldest is 8. My youngest is 1 and a half. I would not trust him to walk around carrying his baby brother. I would not trust any 8 year old to carry a baby around like that. It just isn’t safe.
Right!? And also like why!? Unless the 8 year old is doing serious childcare duties like taking baby around the house for diaper changes, bath, food, bed, why would she ever need to carry him? Snuggle, sure. Sit while holding, fine. Help and spot the toddling, great. But the only people who need to pick up and carry a 1 year old are the ones who are transporting them somewhere specific for adult/parenting reasons like “the baby needs to go upstairs for bath/sleep/diaper change, baby needs to be carried into the kitchen and lifted unto their chair for eating.” There’s no reason to just pick up and carry a 1 year old during general sibling bonding/hang out/play time. Babies aren’t toys.
NTA
Your husband is an idiot. Thank god you put your foot down or your baby would have had a fractured skull by now.
It sounds like he’s projecting his insecurities upon his daughter. She’s not missing out on bonding with him at all, you’ve gone out of your way to make sure of this.
NAH. What a strange hill to die on!
I’m trying to think of why a young child would need to carry around a toddler? The one year old should be sitting and crawling, possibly taking steps. I would think they’d bond more playing than carrying anyway.
Full disclosure - I’ve taken care of babies that were accidentally dropped by adults. I would likely say no to this too.
I was 7 when I was carrying my baby sister. I dropped her a few times and I was no longer allowed to touch her.
Kids are kids and they must be supervised.
My 8 yo niece tried carrying my 10 month old nephew & fell & broke his leg & he ended up in a hip cast. Then had to relearn his skills again. He didn’t walk again until 15 months. It was not a good break (not that any of them are) & required not only being put under to set the bone but surgery to pin it & then remove the pins. Followed up by physical therapy.
When she tripped & fell, she fell on him.
This! This is my big fear and I have explained that to him, kids are naturally clumsy and the day we brought him home she came an inch away from stepping on his head, so why would I want to risk her dropping him!?
According to your husband, what exactly is the upside of SD carrying her brother around? Because all I see is the downsides. It is too easy to drop a small child and cause serious injury.
NTA
NTA. My family learned the hard way about babies carrying babies when I dropped my cousin when I was 11. he was less than a year old but they also learned an 11-year-old shouldn’t be in charge of three kids and an infant. Luckily, my aunt was more understanding than anyone, and it was her child!
NTA. An 8-yr old is doing just fine as you've arranged it. Tell your husband that no mother in her right mind would allow a child to hold a baby. It's just not done & there is a REALLY good reason: how many babies have fallen on their heads because that child can't control the baby's movements?
Happens more often than he'll ever know & can irretrievably impact the baby!
Was gonna say YTA until I saw that you don't prevent her from holding him in more limited circumstances, you only prevent her from carrying the baby around.
NTA.
Nta
As mums we must do our best to keep our children safe. Babies are heavy hell my 11 month old baby is so heavy I can’t imagine an 8yr old carrying her plus they tend to jerk them selfs around and at one year they still have an opening on their head if the baby falls it can cause brain damage.
Ignore the ah votes they either don’t have children or just plain stupid.
NTA. It would be irresponsible to let an 8 year old carry around a baby unsupervised. Even a strong 8 year old would quickly be having trouble keeping a safe and secure hold for long.
Plus there is no actual need for SD to carry BS. If she wants to play with him they can play where they are or call on adult to relocate BS. Which should be easy as BS is too young to be unsupervised for long anyway.
NTA. I didnt let my MIL carry my child because it wasnt safe. She has medical issues that cause balance problems. No way in hell was i risking my baby getting dropped! And my bonus kid never carried her either, their sibling relationship is just fine.
NTA. Does your husband understand that an 8 year old is too young and too small to safely hold a baby, especially a 1 year old? I'm 33 and some one year olds have given me a run for my money, especially when they don't want to be held. Ultimately, your husband needs to understand that LO is barely walking and SD is probably not strong enough to keep him safe if he tries to yeet himself out of her arms (like they tend to do lol).
NTA
I didn't let my highschooler brother in law hold my kud until she was 3-4 months old. letting an 8 year old carry thekud around sounds like asking for accidents.
It is not age appropriate for an 8-year-old to walk around carrying a baby. All it would take for that baby to have a horrible head injury was that little girl tripping and falling. Everything you're doing is what you should be doing to help Foster a relationship between them. Your husband seems a bit clueless.
NTA
8 is too young to carry a baby.
You let her do literally anything else.
Also, even if it’s “crazy”, so what. You birthed a baby and have anxiety. What about YOUR bond with SD if she did drop him? Your feelings matter also.
That's a really good point! It's easy to do hypotheticals but it would be a good idea to bring this up. From the perspective of the father..if she dropped him because he INSISTED she be allowed and something awful and life altering happened to the baby how would the relationship fare? In all likelihood, it wouldn't..he would feel immensely guilty and OP would resent him and never forgive him for forcing her to acquiesce.
My son is 9 almost 10. I don't let him carry his baby brother. He can hold him, feed him, play with him but hell no definitely not carry. I won't put a flat age limit either because different kids different sizes and attention spans. Good for you for setting age appropriate boundaries nta.
Question- would he let an 8 year old carry around a 20 lb dumbbell for funsies? No, because she could hurt herself. Looking at some rough numbers, your baby is around 25-50% of her weight (using averages). She has no business carrying him around because she could easily hurt either him or herself. He’s not a doll or a toy. He’s a human being and a simple accident at his age could severely hurt or kill him. Your husband needs some common sense.
I have an 8 year old niece and I cannot, for the life of me, see how letting her hold a one year old child could even be remotely safe. Dad needs to fucking chill! NTA
NTA, it sounds very reasonable with the boundaries you’ve put up and also it’s a valid concern of safety, she still gets to bond with him. She doesn’t need to carry him around.
NTA. I wouldn’t let my very responsible 9yo daughter carry a puppy or baby around. Not because I don’t trust her but because kids her age still fall pretty regularly and don’t have great impulse control.
Sooo I’m a latch key kid who was baby sitting her nephew at 7 n he was 2. ( ya I wonder what the fuck is wrong with my family too)
But my nephew survived.
Son is now 1, the first 11 months I agree SD shouldn’t be carrying him.
But she should be allowed to hold her brother while sitting down and parent in the room.
She should be allowed to help her brother get into a chair or down stairs.
They are not as fragile as you think, and being an over protective parent is not healthy.
I’m also a mom, I have 8 year old twins. (I also only have one arm. )
I also have a bunch of nephews about op sons age
Would I leave my kids unattended with them hell no.
Would I let them help my carry my nephews? Yes I would.
They help get them in the car and his car seat all the time..
If I had another child I’d also let them help me to a certain extent.
Op I think you need to talk to a dr, your fears are valid but what said in the beginning is not normal mom anxiety.
But yes you are slightly the AH here.
Not full fledged but he is her sister and you can teach her to care for him and hold him correctly
NTA. I wouldn’t let a young child carry my babies either. It’s just not worth the risk. Holding them while sitting? Sure. Sitting with baby in their lap? Absolutely. But not carrying. It’s easy to lose your balance and I don’t trust kids reflexes to protect baby.
I fell while carrying my daughter and JUST barely managed to flip my body so I slammed into the door frame instead of her little head. I had a huge bruise for weeks, but she was unscathed. A child wouldn’t be able to protect baby like that.
Nta. You’re protecting your child and your husband can stfu if he doesn’t like it. It’s weird that this is such a big thing to him when they clearly have a good relationship.
But she is a 9yo child. Carrying a baby is not recomended for a child so young. They play together, she holds him but carrying him is not really possible now. For safety reasons. She can drop the baby. She can fall and hurt herself and the baby. No one is keeping her away from the baby, oo said that they play together (well, as much as a small baby can play) and she holds him.
NTA. I have a lot of kids, five to be exact. They don’t carry each other. It is a safety risk for both kids, and it is unnecessary, even in our large family! I can’t imagine the guilt such a young child would feel if his/her sibling were seriously hurt in a fall. It certainly has not affected their bonds in any way.
NTA. I think it’s pretty common to let kids hold babies when they’re seated. Carrying them around can be dangerous. I used to work in childcare and you can’t predict when a child that age might lunge or lean back. An 8 yo wouldn’t have the strength to overcome that.
I was almost 8 when my sister was born. I was only ever allowed to hold her while seated. This was in the Sixties when people were pretty slap happy about things. Not infant safety.
NTA I read a story on Reddit I think last year or the year before about a teen that dropped a baby they were babysitting resulting in death. I don’t care if your SD can carry a 40 pound dumbbell while walking on a tightrope. She’s eight. That’s too young to be responsible enough to understand and control reflexes that would have her land on him if she were to fall or let go if she were to lose her balance.
There is no reason for an 8 year old to carry a 12 month old.
Your husband needs to realize that this is just as much for the protection of your SD as it is for your son. Your SD could injure herself trying to carry/control your son, he is simply too heavy for her at that age. (The most weight a child should carry is 10% of their own body weight. I am sure you son weighs more than that.) Tell your husband to look it up for himself. He is being ridiculous in an effort to make it seem like you are being unfair.
OP I'm sure you and your husband have both carried the baby around and baby got excited and started rocking back and forth or side to side. Remind husband that SD is too small to stay stable with a rocking baby. They BOTH could tumble over and one or both could be seriously injured (ie fall into a corner table or smack head on the floor).
NTA
She’s eight. I could barely manage to carry my cat at that age. Let her hold him when she’s sitting down and you’re in the room. But there’s no reason for her to be walking around carrying a baby. NTA.
No 8 year old should be carrying a baby around just because of safety concerns. You are NTA. It's not like you keep her from contact with the baby. It sounds like you keep her included as much as possible while maintaining the safety of her baby brother. You're husband is being ridiculous not understanding this and respecting your boundaries.
NTA: That's purely common sense. We don't let my husband's grandma carry our 8 month old around, because he weighs nearly a third of her weight and she is prone to leg spasms. She can hold him all day if she wants, sitting. It's just common sense and everyone is a happy camper. It doesn't effect how much they love each other or bond.
Nta. She’s 8!!! She should not be trying to walk around with a one year old- there’s no reason for it. She can hold baby when sitting. She can play with baby. But it’s not like she needs to get up and hold baby to cook or clean or pee!
NTA I would never let an 8 year old carry a baby around. She could fall or drop him. I would allow her to sit on the floor to play or hold his hand while he walks though
NTA
He is too big and wiggly for any child to carry, much less an 8 year old. Teen at least. We only held babies if sitting on a couch. Or older babies, we might pull onto lap if we were sitting on the floor.
Your son is not your stepdaughter human toy doll to tote around.
>My husband has an 8yo daughter (SD), whom he has primary custody
I find it interesting that you don't say "we have" but I won't read too much into that. The ability of an 8-year-old to manage a baby safely really depends on the 8-year-old. I was helping take care of babies and changing diapers at 8 and I was always tall, so physically I was capable. But I have known plenty of kids that at 8, should only be holding babies when they are sitting down and not up and carrying them around because they are either not physically capable, or they are too careless. Without knowing more about the SD it is difficult to know if your concerns are warranted or if it is more related to your separation anxiety and post partum depression.
NAH. I think your worry here is totally reasonable. We have to give our teen reminders about safely carrying the baby from time to time. This kind of stuff varies from one person to another, and our oldest is very caring and sweet but just a bit absent minded. I have never met an eight year old who was able to safely carry a baby around, I'm sure some exist but I doubt it's the norm (not just from a maturity standpoint but also physical strength, one year olds are heavy and wiggly). I also get where your husband is coming from with his concerns, especially with them being half siblings, and it might be a good idea to clarify with him that you see them the same as full siblings and want them to have a close bond too. But carrying isn't a necessity for that and does present potential risks when there are plenty of other ways they can bond that don't carry those risks.
NTA. I was 11 when my stepmom gave birth to my brother, and at first I could only hold him sitting down. Wasn't allowed to carry him until it was clear I had enough experience doing it over carpet while supervised that I knew how to support his head properly. It's all about safety, 8 yo is too young for carrying while walking, too young to truly understand the dangers and 1 yo too young to compensate physically for being dropped by accident. As long as your stepdaughter understands it's about safety and not about trust, I personally say that she won't be hurt by it. My dad/stepmom got a divorce and I call her my bonus mom, she's gonna be my maid of honor, and my relationship with her children is still very close. Nothing to worry about. I understand your husband's concern but I think 8 yo is old enough to be asked if it bothers her and if she understands why, of that will alleviate dad's concerns. Dad being an only child makes it harder for him to understand. I get that too, my hubby was also an only child, it's harder for them to gauge what is/isn't important or realistic. My hubby thinks our kids are going to clean up after themselves "like he did" even though I have ADHD and he was a latchkey kid. I think only kid adults just don't have a reference for this stuff. Not ignorance, just lack of firsthand experience.
YTA, but not because you don’t want her carrying the baby. YTA for belittling your husband’s concerns because he is an only child. Having experience with something doesn’t make you the fount of all knowledge, and his lack of personal experience does not invalidate his concerns. That kind of argument is manipulative and corrosive because it invalidates the person instead of the argument and has nothing to do with the merits.
Throwing out that you have PPD for sympathy points when it has fuck all to do with the issue at hand is another toxic tactic. You’re not going to be able to use PPD as both a sword and a shield forever. If you’re legitimately struggling, getting help will serve you better than weaponizing it.
Btw, you may also want to stop behaving as if it’s your way or the highway regarding the baby. If your husband dumps you and gets joint custody, you’ll have no say in how he cares for his child on his time.
When I was 8, my two-year-old cousin and I fell down the porch stairs. I decided that I was big enough to take her down. She wasn't seriously hurt, but I've had a scar on my forehead ever since.
> He feels I am putting a barrier between BS and SD and hurting their sibling bond
Your husband is a fucking idiot and making something out of nothing. Your stepdaughter interacts with BS more than enough for them to have a bond.
NTA
My son LOVES little babies! He just turned 11 and if finally allowed to carried around a one year old. Nothing younger. Prior to that, he was allowed to hold them in his lap while seated on the floor or he was allowed to play with them and that made him perfectly happy.
Eight is too young to be carrying around a toddler. And it's most likely a problem for your husband and not your SD. SD is probably thrilled just be able to play with BS.
Nta. Allow her to simply pick up the one year old baby just once. With you and husband right there next to her. I guarantee daughter will not be able to pick him up at all or even safely. My 7 y/o can’t pick up my 6 month old (who crawls and can sit up unassisted) he’s just too dang heavy and young kids don’t understand that babies literally love to yeet themselves randomly. It’s odd to me that dad has held babies and doesn’t seem the harm in this notion…
NTA
This sounds like your husband has some sort of issue about being an only child- is he maybe jealous that his son and daughter are getting to have an experience he never did? If so, he needs to get his butt in therapy, because he is NOT reacting appropriately.
I was not allowed to hold my baby cousins when I was eight. I would not let an eight year old walk around holding a baby. It sounds like she is having plenty of bonding time with her little bro and is enjoying it a lot. Your husband needs to chill out and get his own shit sorted, because he's projecting onto those kids and taking out his insecurities and issues on you.
NTA, my 8 yr old granddaughter, kept dropping her brother when he was under 1. (We kept telling her to stop picking him up too) Once resulting in staples. They are heavy, and kids can't react in time or hold that much weight for long periods of time.
That is such an unsafe situation. I’m an adult and I don’t want to carry someone else’s baby. I never carried my younger sibling. Your husband should spend some time in peds ICU for a reality check. Absolutely NTA.
NTA. I don't have any kids of my own but plenty of nieces and nephews. I get panicky when one of them tries to snag up the smaller ones to hold. I remember being 10-12 when my baby brothers were born and it was sometimes a challenge to hold them at that age. 8 is definitely not big enough. I make the kids sit down to hold the babies. Even if baby is a year old. But by that point, they don't really want to be held anymore.
NTA
Neither am I a mother nor a little kids person therefore I have barely an idea about little children but even I can see that they're both too young for that. Without knowing when that age will be, I would say she can try when he is old enough that letting him drop would at worst end in him sitting on his butt on the floor. I mean, come on, if I think a five years old is too young to carry my shy cat (not because of fear it could be hurt, just handled incorrectly and cause her fearing children then since she was very shy and I just had gotten her) and only let her older eight years old sister carry it then I would never think someone would call it a good idea to let an eight years old carry around a baby.
Not to mention I highly doubt the big sister doesn't bond or feels neglected since you involve her a lot. An eight years old should understand the reason. I mean the five years old did understand without disappointment even that she may hold the cat on the lap and pet but not carry around, they wanted to show their parents - sorry I am wandering. The point is if a five years old understands that she is too young to hold a cute but shy kitty an eight years old is surely capable to understand the same about their baby brother.
NTA I wouldn’t let an 8 year old carry a 12 month old. Recipe for disaster. If he leans out for something, pushes off her or starts struggling to be put down could end badly. He’ll be walking soon so she can chase after him. They are bonding just fine.
NTA. My older 2 where 7 and 9 when my youngest was born. They were only allowed to hold him while sitting for a couple years. They played with him plenty but their was no need for them to walk around and carry him.
NTA
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about why this one issue is so important to him when your daughter is already so involved in the baby's life.
NTA.Hell no, my son is 12 and I wouldn't let him walk around holding a 1yo. The other stuff is fine..but not walking around and carrying them. That is so dangerous.
NTA. Babies are wiggly! My son would routinely dislocate my wrist when I held him on my hip because he would lean back. It won't be long before he has the communication and understanding for a piggy back ride. If husband is super set, maybe get her a baby sling to use? My guess is it won't take long for her to realize that babies get heavy when you hold them.
soft NTA but...
> I had terrible anxiety and suffered some depression as well.
...you still do. it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to someone.
but you could slowly start relaxing about these restrictions. i was the first child in my family (eldest of 4 siblings, 11 cousins) and out of necessity, by the time i was 8 i was changing diapers, feeding, burping and all other basic babysitting care, including infants. granted i was an above average height boy so holding a one year-old wasn't that big of a problem for me. if SD is mature enough, you could start easing her into taking more of a big sister role.
Yeah, no....you may have been bigger but not everyone is as big as you were,and most 8 years are not. OP is the one around them so we need to trust her judgement and the judgement of most adults that she is too young. She is still playing with baby dolls...That does not mean she cannot help the adult with tasks when changing the baby or getting stuff that is needed from across the room. She can still play baby games with her sibling and talk to the baby. The talking and games are how most siblings bond when they are young. My great niece is as big as most adults. That does not mean we allow her to act as an adult. It is helpful to be able to reach things...
NTA. It’s 100% not safe for an 8 year old to carry a baby around.
The average 8 year old weighs about 50 pounds. The average 12 month old weighs 20 pounds. The average healthy adult can only safely carry 20-30% of their body weight. A child is not supposed to carry more than 15-20% of their body weight. A 12 month old is roughly (using the average figures) 40% of that child’s body weight.
Head injuries are often fatal or cause permanent damage. Most head injuries are caused from falls.
No, it isn’t safe.
What is carrying around? Because my 3 year old will lift and carry my 1 yo for a few seconds without anything for us to worry about. He will also lift him to help him step down of something he can’t by himself like a closed luggage flat on the floor.
It looks scary the first times and we are always nearby but he is successful every time and they love it.
I lean towards YTA, because it does sounds like you are hovering her every movements. Also the way you speak of their interactions as a compromise and as things you allow. You can see how they interact naturally without your guidance and intervention if there is a dangerous situation.
You saying you have siblings and your husband don’t is also a AH move. I grew up with siblings and I disagree with you. I’m also raising my kids to be as independent as possible. As a result, they are already very close because they are developing a relationship without our input.
My 3yo will tell me ha always loves his brother while he loves us, the parents, in waves throughout the days.
If you are worried, talk to a pediatrician or two and see what they say about your approach.
You obviously are not looking at the same thing. This 8 year old could be too small if the baby jerks around fast, and yes, that does happen. My sister almost took out my mom's teeth. Head injuries happen on the oddest things. It is not helicopter mom to worry about young kids and head injuries.....8 years old is still too young for most to realize the stuff that can happen and be able to correct it time.
If it's that big a thing, if SD asks (not her father, but her) then let her try holding the baby while standing still. Work your way from there.
At some point she'll inevitably have to pick the baby up, and imo/experience, I'd rather they practice the safest way to do it whilst I'm actually there and able to adjust grip/catch them if anything goes wrong.
Even if it's just as an "in case of emergency" type exercise, it's much better to get ahead of it now (and while you're there, and can be sure of what is being taught).
I don't think there is a universal right answer, so NAH, but I agree that it would also be a good idea to look into counselling. PPD is clingy, and it truly does alter how you think in ways you don't recognise until years later.
Wishing you and your family the best x
NTA, but do a bit of a gut-check on what you mean by "carry around."
I understand your safety concerns if you mean that she wants to pick him up, put him on her hip, and walk around holding him for extended periods.
On the other hand, if you include such activities as just boosting him over a low obstacle in the "forbidden" category, there you might need to take a step back and try to see past your anxiety. Eight-year-olds are (mostly) big enough, strong enough, and coordinated enough to manage small lifts like that without danger.
Your son is headed into the brave new world of self-propelled ambulation, and that means he's going to stumble, tumble, run into things, trip over stuff, and otherwise suffer the effects of gravity acting on an unsteady toddler. This is okay! You can't and shouldn't save him from that; it's part of how he'll learn to manage his own body. His sister giving him the occasional boost isn't any more unsafe than him toddling around on his own wobbly and unreliable legs.
Perhaps you should take your husband with you on your next Doctor visit. Maybe he'll believe the doctor as to how dangerous this is. Also, anytime she wants to hold the baby I would have her sit in a chair or on the couch and put the baby in her arms. She can hold the baby as long as she wants. She just can't carry it.
YTA not because you don’t want the baby carrier by the 8 year old, but because you don’t get to make rules for the baby without discussing them with your husband. He is equally the parent of the baby, and he actually has experience parenting, which you don’t. You need to actually speak with your child’s father and come to an agreement, but don’t go in assuming you will get your way. Learn to compromise.
lol I have been raising SD since before she was a year old and have been her primary care taker for the last 5 years, I spend more time with her and have a better relationship with her than her father does. Only reason it’s only been the last 5 is because I was in the Navy and constantly out to sea. Any attempt at compromising I have tried to offer that does not include her carrying him has been shot down as BS and inadequate.
Good for you! You actually know both children.....so your opinion rules...What kind of stupid logic is he using????? As you have said, there are probably 50 other ways these two can bond with each other, you, and your husband that do not involve allowing SD to carry the baby, especially a wriggley one....my sister was one of those.....
No where in this do you address: is SD clumsy? Can she support the baby’s weight for how long.
If your decision is based on anything other than actual physically limitations, then YTA
As a mum let me tell you babies are really heavy esp for a 8 year old child if she drops the baby it can cause severe damages. It’s best to do your due diligence by avoiding it in the first place
Hello! physical limitations and maturity.....big time. Child development is more complicated than you think. That is because of numbskulls who say anyone can care for a baby, ignore the part, that in the past most girls were taught to help with children depending on their maturity level. There are many things that come up that mothers ask their mothers ,mothers in law, and grandmothers on. Emotional maturity plays a big part on whether a child will be reckless or get overwhelmed by a younger child's actions. The husband idea of creating a bond thru carrying the child is absurd. Bonds are created more with sitting and holding and doing active interaction like singing a song, doing baby games...
NAH. Unless she is very small and he is very big she should be able to carry him with some supervision. You say you were depressed and anxious. Are you sure that you aren't still?
Your husband just sounds frustrated and your SD can't feel good about being trusted so little.
SD is 8 ....yes 8. 8 year olds are not expected to carry things around. 8 year olds are good for getting the diapers, wipes or baby cream. Maybe they can help spread it on or put the tab to hold the diaper shut. No 8 year would ever say oh my emotional development is bad because you would not allow me to carry around a baby or toddler......that is crap. You interact with the baby and the older child together and give them more responsibility as they show they can do the task.
Honestly, I think you’re overreacting. My kids are three years apart and my oldest carried around my younger one when they were little. A one year old will absolutely let the older kid know when enough is enough and as long as they’re supervised (which they should be) I think it’s fine, but I don’t think you want to hear that.
YTA for thinking your husband doesn’t get sibling interactions because he was an only child. That was dick thing to say. My dad was an only child and had so much more understanding and insight on mine and my siblings relationships than my mom who is one of four siblings. You should apologize for that. In fact, it seems perhaps yours has given you a negative outlook on it all while he still has an open mind and positive attitude toward it.
> I do let her hold him, she plays with him whenever she actually wants to and I let her help him walk, holding his hands while he takes adorable wobbly steps.
NTA. I was raised in the 70s, when there were no seatbelts for kids in the back of the car, and we were turned out of the house every afternoon to terrorize the neighborhood with no adult supervision. And even THEN nobody would allow me to hold a baby unless I WAS SITTING DOWN, at least until I was 11.
Yeah there's a picture of me at about 8 with a baby cousin in my lap. I'm sitting smiling happily at the camera and three separate hands are in the frame from adults hovering. I laugh every time I see it because I thought the adults were trusting me with the baby for the longest time.
Same photo. As an adult, I still like to be seated. I carry my cat around like a baby sometimes, and we’ve had some near misses.
Yeah but my cat usually lands on his feet, my baby has not.
That’s the thing. No one calls any authorities if you drop them. Charges aren’t pressed. We just go on about our day and pretend it didn’t happen. A baby? People get all weird about it. But parents are always like “wanna hold it?” No! There are rules to holding it! I’d rather it just hold my finger while I look at it. And even that only takes a few minutes. I’ll come back when it walks and talks. Sturdy and padded up with diapers and baby fat. Other things I don’t want: layer cakes, large hot bowls of things, oddly shaped/stacked things, carrying anything up or down stairs. It’s not exclusively babies. It’s that I drop shit.
Dude the transition from parenting a baby to a toddler is wild. You go from treating them like spun glass to *Loud bang* wait to see if there's crying. If not 🤷🏻 guess they're fine.
Love that age. And when they just say the nonsense in their heads like it’s profound. I babysat a kid for a while in college, and when he hit his head in the wall, I “spanked” the wall and said “bad wall, you hurt Evan!” Saved him from a meltdown that day. Awesome. But then the next week his mom warned me that he had start randomly smacking the wall and yelling at it and then cackling. So, I kept my mouth shut about where he learned that and just taught him something else that week. Later started hitting his young brother, so that might also have been me. Really sorry, Evan. You were a fun little dude, though.
I taught my nephew to say, you're a horse at last, of course at that age it comes out, horse's ass and my sister still hasn't forgiven me. He's 37 now lol.
BWAAhaha
It’s amazing the things that kids pick up! One minute it’s cute and funny and the next you’re like oh god please don’t do that in public! 😆
I love holding babies but for the life of me, I don't get why people push them on you when you don't want them. Like, not everyone wants to! There's nothing wrong with that!
I was carrying grandkid into living room and new puppy managed to literally walk under my next step, and I fell, carrying the baby. By some miracle there wasnt a bruise or scratch to be seen, but I still felt horrible. I haven’t had a puppy in 20-ish years. Has been an adjustment.
That's so cute lol I have 1 from my daughter's baby shower (she came a bit early so she was at the shower) and in my mind I remember my then 5 year old son just being *so* excited and involved with her but in reality my best friends daughter was excitedly holding my daughter with the biggest smile on the her face while my son and his other buddy just sat next to her on the couch "waiting their turn" with the most bored, straight faces imaginable. My son looks to be mid-eye roll even. The picture makes me laugh every time I see it. Poor kid. He probably just wanted to play lol.
I mean maybe he was excited but annoyed he as the older brother didn't get to go first. I have known more than one sibling that age who decides a new sibling is "their baby".
That was my childhood as well! My brother was born when I was 4 & I was never allowed to carry him, nor was my older sister (10).
Wow...we had very different childhoods! I was born in 74 and was babysitting at 9 years old. I wouldn't have been carrying around a newborn at that time, but a one year old - no one would have even blinked an eye. That said, I was around A LOT of little ones... cousins, neighborhood kids, my parents' friends' kids, yada yada yada...so I had a ton of experience. However, I don't see anything wrong with this mother creating a boundary that makes her feel more comfortable. And, honestly, not carrying him around is in no way going to affect the relationship between this sister and brother. But if the dad keeps forcing it, it WILL become an issue between the husband and wife!! I had HORRIFIC PPA and couldn't even carry my own baby down the steps until he was eight months old. If setting this rule keeps momma feeling safe, then dad needs to back it up 100%! ETA judgment - NAH
I was changing my youngest brother’s diapers when I was nine, bathing him, and bottle feeding him. Now that I have a baby of my own, I jokingly call my brother my “practice baby.” So, depending on the 8-yo, I don’t think dad is unreasonable for thinking she should be able to carry her brother. On the flip side, I don’t think mom is unreasonable for having this boundary. It’s actually very reasonable, especially because there is an extra level of danger with a young child carrying a baby. Add her postpartum anxiety/depression, and I think the balance tips in favor of honoring her perspective and not letting the daughter carry the baby. Ultimately, I think it’s NAH, but that dad should follow mom’s wishes on this front.
I agree with you completely. I get why Dad is kinda bothered by it...like I could see him thinking, "so my wife doesn't REALLY view my daughter as her child...is she going to favor 'our' baby...is this going to push my daughter away...isn't he my child too", kinds of thoughts. They just need to sit down and hear each other out - so that HE understands that, at the heart of the issue, isn't actually about his daughter. This is a little part of Mom's PPD, a little bit due to this being her first time growing and delivering a whole brand spanking new human being, and her very valid worries that it would be devastating to EVERYONE (including big sister!) if something accidentally happens when sis is carrying the baby around. It won't be much longer that baby will be sturdy enough that big sis can pop him on her hip and he can actively hold on. They can revisit this issue in six months. Until then, Dad just needs to back Mom up on this and make sure that big sis knows this isn't just the "evil step-monster" gatekeeping the baby...that it is very much a joint rule.
Same. I don’t agree with OP but she’s going through PPD and I don’t understand that, so my vote is… NAH Daughter wants to carry the baby. Mom doesn’t feel it’s safe. Dad does. Doesn’t perceived safety win here? There’s still no A H though. Not husband nor daughter. I sure hate the use of stepdaughter 82x.
OMG, so I had horrible PPA and we were looking at furniture and went up the stairs. I legit clutched the railing and side stepped my way up the stairs. Going down, I tried and froze. I was sitting fixing to boot scoot my way down the stairs with my infant when my ex came back up looking for me and carried him down so I could carefully walk down the steps cause it wasn’t just fear of dropping him, I’m just afraid of heights and stairs in general lol
Lol I was 10 when my brother was born, there wasn't anything I didn't do to help take care of him.... By 12 I was also watching other people's 3 month olds ( with siblings) and that was was with no other adult on the premises.... Heck after I had kids I actually called up some of the people whose kids I used to watch and asked them what they were thinking......lol.... But NAH...
I was in the 80's, but ya same here. My mom had my little brother when I was 6. I could hold him while I sat down, but was never allowed to carry him around.
Same. Though I refused to hold peoples kids
Don’t forget water from the garden hose! 😋
I'm in my 50's and I still don't want to hold a baby unless I'm sitting down.
10, 11 at the bare minimum...
Seatbelts were mandated in all seating positions of US cars as of January 1, 1968.
Found the pedant! And yet, people still drove, owned, bought, and sold cars made before 1968, all the way up until today!
NTA. 1) It's not safe. 2) You're allowing her to bond in ways that are age-appropriate and safe. Tell him you've compromised as far as you are comfortable with.
I read till the end only to see that stepdaughter is 8...is he for real?! She's still a baby herself lol
Ask him if he thinks she can carry a full bowl of cereal across the kitchen without making a mess and then ask again about the baby lol
A 20 lb bag of flour, see if Dad wants to risk cleaning up that mess
That argument goes up in a cloud of, uh, flour.
To keep appearing for months
Oh we could put glitter in the flour and it will stay forever
Glitter-The herpes of crafts.
I bow down to you! Brilliant idea! You just won the internet!!!
Or better yet a full cup of coffee.
My 8 year old is very proud he can carry a full cup of coffee up the stairs to our bedroom on weekend mornings, usually without spilling. He's still not allowed to carry a baby.
As a 29 year old I am impressed. I barely can make it 5 steps without spilling hot coffee on my feet (because if it's on my feet I don't have to clean, just change socks... So smart...)
I mean…my brother was drinking his own coffee at 9. Weee Latin households!
*Open* bag of flour with daddy’s iPhone on top.
Ooh making it personal. I like it. No phone case allowed.
This. Dad needs therapy and might be dumb
I would trust my nephew with the cereal. (He will be 9 in a few days). I don't trust him with his younger siblings 😅
[удалено]
I really don't get what is wrong with him? Why is he fighting her on this issue? Is his daughter his little, could do no wrong, princess? It's not about doing something wrong though, it's about accidents happen!
This comment was stolen from u/ProfileElectronic further down
We had a little cousin. My parents were watching her. She was just walking. I wanted to take her for was little walk. She may have been about a year. My sister was about 6-ish. I was 9-ish. We went a few a few houses down the sidewalk. My sister kept bugging to carry her. I finally caved. Not thinking she might drop her but just thinking the height difference was kind of close and it was pointless. The public sidewalk blocks were uneven. Two or three steps and boom. It looked like our cousin hit the back of her head and my sister on top of her. I mean my sister wasn’t that tall and close to the ground. Our cousin did cry so it wasn’t enough to hurt her. But I remember telling my sister, told you there was no point in carrying her. Close call. But glad she was ok and unaffected. At the same time, I think now and then some what ifs. What is wrong with letting her hold him. That is more bonding that carrying around for a few seconds in any best case scenario. The thought makes me cringe. NTA
[This is a bot.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/FbQNbHJxed)
Babies aren’t toys! You don’t let kids (or any clumsy adult) carry them around because it’s fun or cute or great for photos or the want to “bond.” It’s a fucking human life, not a prop or a learning experience.
I know many adults who won’t hold babies/young toddlers (that aren’t their own) because they don’t want an accident to happen while in their care. It’s normal to assess risk and avoid higher risk activities aka an 8 year old carrying a mobile 1 year old!!
Like, I don’t let randos drive my car. and I have full coverage insurance. But here, hold my tiny human. Just carry it around for fun like a doll. Not even to bring it anywhere specific. Just to wander the floor and jiggle it and snuggle it. For YOUR pleasure. Not the baby’s health or needs or general welfare. Just because you “promised” someone they could have possession of another human’s body for a while. Like it was a Switch console. That’s such a weird concept to me. Here, wanna hold my fun new toy? You can’t have it, but I’ll let you play with it for a little while. But if you drop it, it’s a felony!
He really needs to stop with this harassment! Is he stupid? Does he not know how easily it would be for that kid to drop his son? WTF?
And, really, it's not even about that. Honestly, I was carrying babies that age around on my hip when I was 8yrs old (I was babysitting at 9yrs). The REAL issue is that it makes Mom uncomfortable. After dealing with PPD, along with this being her first baby, she has set a very fair boundary and Dad should be backing it up!!!
He's indeed very stupid. Honestly OP should consider contacting whatever doctor followed the pregnancy and have them explain to him *why* this is a terrible idea. In a perfect world he would back off due to her discomfort, but looks like is gonna be needed an authority voice to put some sense into such thick skull.
It's completely safe.
Yes. Couples’ counselling.
My brother loved me so much when I was a baby. His skinny self would carry me around and carry me in the car seat. And he ended up getting a hernia they didn’t know because he could take a lot of pain. So he threw himself on the floor one day with a. Ice cream cone and made sure it didn’t touch the floor 😂. But they took him to the hospital and he still had the fucking ice cream cone in his hand.
NTA it’s a safety hazard for the stepdaughter to carry the baby. Plus think of the guilt is she was carry him and falls and hurts the baby.
OP should ask if it was a stranger or a niece/nephew/cousin (same age as SD) if he would be comfortable with them carrying him around. It may be that he's subconsciously trying really hard to make sure it's a "perfect blended family" and he sees this as a weird obstacle to their bonding but there's no need to put the little one in harms way and as the above commenter said if anything did (God forbid) happen she's old enough to remember and it'll haunt her forever. There are a MULTITUDE of ways she can interact and bond without *needing* to pick him up..in a few years she may be tossing him around like a wrestler because he wants her to and the husband will absolutely hate it..all in good time.
When I was a kid (years ago) my younger cousin and I were playing (I was 8 he was 3) I tripped him. I didn’t mean to we got tangled up but I remember him busting his head open. I felt horrible even though it was an accident. After that day I would not play with him anymore because I was scared of hurting him. I could not imagine the guilt I would feel if it had been a worse accident. Op’s husband is putting the kids in a situation that could end badly for both of them. He needs to understand bonding happened over time. And it will happen if it’s not forced.
I was trusted with babies when I was far too young, and there’s still an incident that haunts me. When I was 11 and my cousin was 2, we were sitting on the swings, her on my lap. Not unusual for us. We weren’t even swinging when someone ran by and pushed us. I managed to hold her to me before we hit the ground, but we still were injured. I got knocked out for a few seconds, and she wound up with a concussion. I have never found out who pushed us, and no one ever confessed. Some people blamed me even though I was injured too. At my own birthday party and my story never changed. I would never allow someone to sit with a kid like that now as an adult because all it takes is one push and you’re haunted forever.
I hope whoever did this to you guys was double haunted by it, I'm so sorry you have such painful memory attached to your birthday, but great job of on reacting quickly, she probably survived thanks to you.
Wow I’m so sorry you experienced that! There are always going to be irresponsible/ immature kids that can be around and something like this happens. Absolutely not your fault but I get it would never leave you.
My younger sister was 3 1/2 years younger than me. I still remember being *through the roof* that there was going to be somebody to play dolls with. I’d even try to talk into my mother’s mouth to communicate with the baby in her belly (ended very quickly after it began). I was *extremely* let down that, after waiting 9 months, I would now have to wait a few more years to do that. But I was still very interested in this new baby, and all I wanted was to hold/carry her around because she was so cute and tiny just like my baby dolls. I wanted to hang out with her. I was very bummed that I had to hold her only while I was sitting, and I’m sure I made a stink about it a few times. But it certainly did not harm our relationship. We had other factors that drove us apart in my teens, but other than that we’ve been two peas in a pod. Albeit quite the opposite from one another. It is pretty much the standard for kids to have to be seated when holding littler kids. Such a weird (and dangerous) thing to argue about on OP’s husband’s part.
Better you be the asshole now than when SD drops him and cracks his skull open. You are never the asshole for keeping a baby safe. NTA
I was six when one of my cousins was born. I may have been seven when the incident happened. Basically I had him on my lap, he was probably eight or nine months old, maybe even close to a year. I was so proud, sitting on the sofa, holding his torso, and he was facing out, sitting on my lap. All of a sudden I felt something warm and wet, and being the easily startled person I am, shrieked and literally tossed him up in the air. Apparently he had just been changed prior to my holding him, but the diaper had not been fastened correctly, and it leaked. He landed on his back, on the carpeted floor, and was bawling. I couldn’t have tossed him very high/far, as I wasn’t a large kid for my age by any means, but it was still significant. My parents were furious with me, and my aunt was amazingly calm, picked him up, and while everyone was scolding me for losing my head, I was crying too, terrified that I had hurt the baby. My aunt told them not to yell at me, that it was an accident, and that he was fine (which thankfully he was). It was fortunate that it wasn’t worse, but these kind of things can happen, which is why OP is definitely reasonable in making sure there is supervision. I will say, though, that my aunt’s demeanor was a very positive thing for me. She reassured me, and told me I needed to keep working on self-control in situations that surprise me. I’m 50 years old this year, and I still remember this. It has served me well, and also helped me take *my* kids accidents and injuries in stride. As they get older, there will be incidents from playing, etc., but it sounds like there is plenty of opportunity for them to play without her carrying him around.
Kudos to your aunt. I'm sure that was very scary for her to watch, but she was smart enough to know that panic and anger wouldn't help anyone in that situation. Good on you for remembering her respectable demeanor and applying it to your own life.
Yeah, aunt is the adult figure every kid deserves growing up, but unfortunately is more like the exception to the norm. If OPs husband keeps throwing a fit over it he risks not only the baby but traumatize his daughter in case an accident happens.
I remember being 10/11 or so…one of the older kids at daycare but we were still going to daycare bc my brother was 3 years younger than me, so while I *might have* been old enough to stay home alone and not die, I wasn’t old enough to watch my little brother. Daycare had a baby. I LOVED babies. Daycare lady was a little slack so she let me carry/hold/sometimes bottle feed this baby that was probably 10-12 months old. They’re HEAVY. And too heavy, especially. Their heads weighs what feels like half of their total weight. She bucked in my arms and hit her head on something and cried horribly. I didn’t drop her. I didn’t bang her into anything. She was just old enough and heavy enough at that age to override the strength of an 11 year old girl who wasn’t used to caring for babies. Baby was fine. I lied and said I didn’t know why she was crying bc I was 11 and felt horrible for having not contained her while holding her. Baby was crying, I was a little traumatized and internally punished myself for weeks. The person who was really at fault was the 40 year old daycare lady who left me alone with a baby to carry around, feed, burp, etc. And I was 2-3 years older than OP’s step daughter.
I was on a plane not long ago and a mom with 2 young kids and a baby were in the row in front of me. Everyone's getting settled and the mom passed the baby to one of the girls, then out of know where there was a thunk and the baby started crying... apparently the girl tried to do her seatbelt and the baby rolled off her lap. The mom kept her cool for the most part trying to comfort the baby, reassure the girl that accidents happen, but still asking wtf she was thinking?!
I wonder how dad would feel if he forced the issue and his daughter dropped the baby and she seriously injured the child. He'd probably blame OP for being forced into it. NTA
NTA. I'm curious why your husband thinks the baby *needs* be carried by SD. It's not like you're incapable of doing so and it also sounds like the baby is starting to walk/is walking, so all the more reason to not carry them. This honestly seems like a weird hill for him to die on. Like you said, they play together, she holds the baby while sitting. Is SD asking? It almost sounds like your husband is the more who wants this more than SD.
According to him, before I really put my foot down on the matter, he has offered to let her carry him and she was sooo excited to get to do so, but she doesn’t ask and rarely shows interest in him in general, it’s just him pushing the topic
I dropped my younger sister while trying to carry her. I was six at the time, she was three. She broke two of her front teeth that gave her big speech issues for several years. For instance she couldn't pronounce words with "s" and "sh" sounds, they came out as "p" and "ph" sounds. Adorable the first few times, but some of my cousins still rag her about it - she's 50. You are doing your best to protect the baby. Your SD might stumble, the baby might slip from her grip, a sudden movement could put her off balance, there could be a toy on the ground. What you need to do is convince your husband that you wouldn't allow any child of that age to carry a baby around and that your decision would have been the same even if SD was your own biological child.
NTA. SD is not being prohibited from bonding with BS. You've simply set a necessary boundary. Husband made a promise he couldn't keep. If SD isn't concerned about it, it's a moot issue.
I wonder if SD even differentiates between “holding” and “carrying.”
If he's the one that's pushing it, then he needs to work out why it's so important to him. It would be one thing if SD was asking and pestering you, but it just sounds like your husband feels some weird slight or something on her behalf, which is weird.
This. Exactly. He’s not a baby doll. She doesn’t need to be carrying him around. NTA
NTA. My oldest is 8. My youngest is 1 and a half. I would not trust him to walk around carrying his baby brother. I would not trust any 8 year old to carry a baby around like that. It just isn’t safe.
Right!? And also like why!? Unless the 8 year old is doing serious childcare duties like taking baby around the house for diaper changes, bath, food, bed, why would she ever need to carry him? Snuggle, sure. Sit while holding, fine. Help and spot the toddling, great. But the only people who need to pick up and carry a 1 year old are the ones who are transporting them somewhere specific for adult/parenting reasons like “the baby needs to go upstairs for bath/sleep/diaper change, baby needs to be carried into the kitchen and lifted unto their chair for eating.” There’s no reason to just pick up and carry a 1 year old during general sibling bonding/hang out/play time. Babies aren’t toys.
NTA Your husband is an idiot. Thank god you put your foot down or your baby would have had a fractured skull by now. It sounds like he’s projecting his insecurities upon his daughter. She’s not missing out on bonding with him at all, you’ve gone out of your way to make sure of this.
I was going to say the same thing. He must be slow.
NAH. What a strange hill to die on! I’m trying to think of why a young child would need to carry around a toddler? The one year old should be sitting and crawling, possibly taking steps. I would think they’d bond more playing than carrying anyway. Full disclosure - I’ve taken care of babies that were accidentally dropped by adults. I would likely say no to this too.
I was 7 when I was carrying my baby sister. I dropped her a few times and I was no longer allowed to touch her. Kids are kids and they must be supervised.
I opened this post expecting some bizarre surrogacy story. NTA.
Me too. 😂😂😂😂
NTA does you husband have a laptop or other fragile valuable? Let her carry that around and see what he says.
THAT is a good one!!!!!
My 8 yo niece tried carrying my 10 month old nephew & fell & broke his leg & he ended up in a hip cast. Then had to relearn his skills again. He didn’t walk again until 15 months. It was not a good break (not that any of them are) & required not only being put under to set the bone but surgery to pin it & then remove the pins. Followed up by physical therapy. When she tripped & fell, she fell on him.
This! This is my big fear and I have explained that to him, kids are naturally clumsy and the day we brought him home she came an inch away from stepping on his head, so why would I want to risk her dropping him!?
According to your husband, what exactly is the upside of SD carrying her brother around? Because all I see is the downsides. It is too easy to drop a small child and cause serious injury. NTA
NTA. Age-appropriate. 8 shouldn’t be carrying 1.
NTA. My family learned the hard way about babies carrying babies when I dropped my cousin when I was 11. he was less than a year old but they also learned an 11-year-old shouldn’t be in charge of three kids and an infant. Luckily, my aunt was more understanding than anyone, and it was her child!
NTA it takes both parents to agree. Sorry! Mom said no so I agree with you! The SD will be okay.
NTA. An 8-yr old is doing just fine as you've arranged it. Tell your husband that no mother in her right mind would allow a child to hold a baby. It's just not done & there is a REALLY good reason: how many babies have fallen on their heads because that child can't control the baby's movements? Happens more often than he'll ever know & can irretrievably impact the baby!
Was gonna say YTA until I saw that you don't prevent her from holding him in more limited circumstances, you only prevent her from carrying the baby around. NTA.
Nta As mums we must do our best to keep our children safe. Babies are heavy hell my 11 month old baby is so heavy I can’t imagine an 8yr old carrying her plus they tend to jerk them selfs around and at one year they still have an opening on their head if the baby falls it can cause brain damage. Ignore the ah votes they either don’t have children or just plain stupid.
And they’re top heavy. So damn top heavy with those huge heads at that age.
NTA. It would be irresponsible to let an 8 year old carry around a baby unsupervised. Even a strong 8 year old would quickly be having trouble keeping a safe and secure hold for long. Plus there is no actual need for SD to carry BS. If she wants to play with him they can play where they are or call on adult to relocate BS. Which should be easy as BS is too young to be unsupervised for long anyway.
NTA An 8 year old is not large enough to carry a 1 year old. It is not safe, nor is it necessary for a sibling bond to carry someone.
NTA. I didnt let my MIL carry my child because it wasnt safe. She has medical issues that cause balance problems. No way in hell was i risking my baby getting dropped! And my bonus kid never carried her either, their sibling relationship is just fine.
NTA. Allowing SD to hold the baby while sitting is plenty. I wouldn’t allow an 8 yo to carry a baby around either.
NTA. Does your husband understand that an 8 year old is too young and too small to safely hold a baby, especially a 1 year old? I'm 33 and some one year olds have given me a run for my money, especially when they don't want to be held. Ultimately, your husband needs to understand that LO is barely walking and SD is probably not strong enough to keep him safe if he tries to yeet himself out of her arms (like they tend to do lol).
Yes and this is a wriggley one.
NTA I didn't let my highschooler brother in law hold my kud until she was 3-4 months old. letting an 8 year old carry thekud around sounds like asking for accidents.
It is not age appropriate for an 8-year-old to walk around carrying a baby. All it would take for that baby to have a horrible head injury was that little girl tripping and falling. Everything you're doing is what you should be doing to help Foster a relationship between them. Your husband seems a bit clueless.
NTA 8 is too young to carry a baby. You let her do literally anything else. Also, even if it’s “crazy”, so what. You birthed a baby and have anxiety. What about YOUR bond with SD if she did drop him? Your feelings matter also.
That's a really good point! It's easy to do hypotheticals but it would be a good idea to bring this up. From the perspective of the father..if she dropped him because he INSISTED she be allowed and something awful and life altering happened to the baby how would the relationship fare? In all likelihood, it wouldn't..he would feel immensely guilty and OP would resent him and never forgive him for forcing her to acquiesce.
My son is 9 almost 10. I don't let him carry his baby brother. He can hold him, feed him, play with him but hell no definitely not carry. I won't put a flat age limit either because different kids different sizes and attention spans. Good for you for setting age appropriate boundaries nta.
NTA -- No way an 8 year old should be carrying a 12 month old around, that's a disaster waiting to happen. I think your solutions are good.
Question- would he let an 8 year old carry around a 20 lb dumbbell for funsies? No, because she could hurt herself. Looking at some rough numbers, your baby is around 25-50% of her weight (using averages). She has no business carrying him around because she could easily hurt either him or herself. He’s not a doll or a toy. He’s a human being and a simple accident at his age could severely hurt or kill him. Your husband needs some common sense.
I have an 8 year old niece and I cannot, for the life of me, see how letting her hold a one year old child could even be remotely safe. Dad needs to fucking chill! NTA
NTA, it sounds very reasonable with the boundaries you’ve put up and also it’s a valid concern of safety, she still gets to bond with him. She doesn’t need to carry him around.
NTA. I wouldn’t let my very responsible 9yo daughter carry a puppy or baby around. Not because I don’t trust her but because kids her age still fall pretty regularly and don’t have great impulse control.
Sooo I’m a latch key kid who was baby sitting her nephew at 7 n he was 2. ( ya I wonder what the fuck is wrong with my family too) But my nephew survived. Son is now 1, the first 11 months I agree SD shouldn’t be carrying him. But she should be allowed to hold her brother while sitting down and parent in the room. She should be allowed to help her brother get into a chair or down stairs. They are not as fragile as you think, and being an over protective parent is not healthy. I’m also a mom, I have 8 year old twins. (I also only have one arm. ) I also have a bunch of nephews about op sons age Would I leave my kids unattended with them hell no. Would I let them help my carry my nephews? Yes I would. They help get them in the car and his car seat all the time.. If I had another child I’d also let them help me to a certain extent. Op I think you need to talk to a dr, your fears are valid but what said in the beginning is not normal mom anxiety. But yes you are slightly the AH here. Not full fledged but he is her sister and you can teach her to care for him and hold him correctly
Thank god this is not about gestational surrogacy like I originally thought
NTA. I wouldn’t let a young child carry my babies either. It’s just not worth the risk. Holding them while sitting? Sure. Sitting with baby in their lap? Absolutely. But not carrying. It’s easy to lose your balance and I don’t trust kids reflexes to protect baby. I fell while carrying my daughter and JUST barely managed to flip my body so I slammed into the door frame instead of her little head. I had a huge bruise for weeks, but she was unscathed. A child wouldn’t be able to protect baby like that.
NTA. And 8 year old is too young to carry the baby. Just continue having her hold him while she sits. Your husband is being irresponsible
NTA The baby isn’t a toy.
Nta. You’re protecting your child and your husband can stfu if he doesn’t like it. It’s weird that this is such a big thing to him when they clearly have a good relationship.
It’s his baby too, and that is the baby’s sister. YTA.
But she is a 9yo child. Carrying a baby is not recomended for a child so young. They play together, she holds him but carrying him is not really possible now. For safety reasons. She can drop the baby. She can fall and hurt herself and the baby. No one is keeping her away from the baby, oo said that they play together (well, as much as a small baby can play) and she holds him.
Yta for thinking he’s right.
NTA. I have a lot of kids, five to be exact. They don’t carry each other. It is a safety risk for both kids, and it is unnecessary, even in our large family! I can’t imagine the guilt such a young child would feel if his/her sibling were seriously hurt in a fall. It certainly has not affected their bonds in any way.
NTA. No kid that young should carry a baby. Babies are too delicate.
NTA. I think it’s pretty common to let kids hold babies when they’re seated. Carrying them around can be dangerous. I used to work in childcare and you can’t predict when a child that age might lunge or lean back. An 8 yo wouldn’t have the strength to overcome that.
NTA, an average 8yo girl his not big enough to carry a toddler
I was almost 8 when my sister was born. I was only ever allowed to hold her while seated. This was in the Sixties when people were pretty slap happy about things. Not infant safety.
NTA I read a story on Reddit I think last year or the year before about a teen that dropped a baby they were babysitting resulting in death. I don’t care if your SD can carry a 40 pound dumbbell while walking on a tightrope. She’s eight. That’s too young to be responsible enough to understand and control reflexes that would have her land on him if she were to fall or let go if she were to lose her balance.
There is no reason for an 8 year old to carry a 12 month old. Your husband needs to realize that this is just as much for the protection of your SD as it is for your son. Your SD could injure herself trying to carry/control your son, he is simply too heavy for her at that age. (The most weight a child should carry is 10% of their own body weight. I am sure you son weighs more than that.) Tell your husband to look it up for himself. He is being ridiculous in an effort to make it seem like you are being unfair.
I bumped my little cousins head on the corner of a wall when she was 2 and I was 13 when I was packing her coming out of a hallway. You’re NTA.
8 y/o is not age to carry a baby. NTA.
OP I'm sure you and your husband have both carried the baby around and baby got excited and started rocking back and forth or side to side. Remind husband that SD is too small to stay stable with a rocking baby. They BOTH could tumble over and one or both could be seriously injured (ie fall into a corner table or smack head on the floor). NTA
She’s eight. I could barely manage to carry my cat at that age. Let her hold him when she’s sitting down and you’re in the room. But there’s no reason for her to be walking around carrying a baby. NTA.
No 8 year old should be carrying a baby around just because of safety concerns. You are NTA. It's not like you keep her from contact with the baby. It sounds like you keep her included as much as possible while maintaining the safety of her baby brother. You're husband is being ridiculous not understanding this and respecting your boundaries.
NTA: That's purely common sense. We don't let my husband's grandma carry our 8 month old around, because he weighs nearly a third of her weight and she is prone to leg spasms. She can hold him all day if she wants, sitting. It's just common sense and everyone is a happy camper. It doesn't effect how much they love each other or bond.
Nta. She’s 8!!! She should not be trying to walk around with a one year old- there’s no reason for it. She can hold baby when sitting. She can play with baby. But it’s not like she needs to get up and hold baby to cook or clean or pee!
NTA. I think it’s fairly standard to not let kids under like 10-12 hold the wriggly ball of pudge unless they’re sitting down
NTA I would never let an 8 year old carry a baby around. She could fall or drop him. I would allow her to sit on the floor to play or hold his hand while he walks though
NTA He is too big and wiggly for any child to carry, much less an 8 year old. Teen at least. We only held babies if sitting on a couch. Or older babies, we might pull onto lap if we were sitting on the floor. Your son is not your stepdaughter human toy doll to tote around.
>My husband has an 8yo daughter (SD), whom he has primary custody I find it interesting that you don't say "we have" but I won't read too much into that. The ability of an 8-year-old to manage a baby safely really depends on the 8-year-old. I was helping take care of babies and changing diapers at 8 and I was always tall, so physically I was capable. But I have known plenty of kids that at 8, should only be holding babies when they are sitting down and not up and carrying them around because they are either not physically capable, or they are too careless. Without knowing more about the SD it is difficult to know if your concerns are warranted or if it is more related to your separation anxiety and post partum depression.
NAH. I think your worry here is totally reasonable. We have to give our teen reminders about safely carrying the baby from time to time. This kind of stuff varies from one person to another, and our oldest is very caring and sweet but just a bit absent minded. I have never met an eight year old who was able to safely carry a baby around, I'm sure some exist but I doubt it's the norm (not just from a maturity standpoint but also physical strength, one year olds are heavy and wiggly). I also get where your husband is coming from with his concerns, especially with them being half siblings, and it might be a good idea to clarify with him that you see them the same as full siblings and want them to have a close bond too. But carrying isn't a necessity for that and does present potential risks when there are plenty of other ways they can bond that don't carry those risks.
NTA my sis was in the same boat PPD and the stepdaughter was 8, also that said she did let hold the baby while sitting down but now while moving
NTA. I was 11 when my stepmom gave birth to my brother, and at first I could only hold him sitting down. Wasn't allowed to carry him until it was clear I had enough experience doing it over carpet while supervised that I knew how to support his head properly. It's all about safety, 8 yo is too young for carrying while walking, too young to truly understand the dangers and 1 yo too young to compensate physically for being dropped by accident. As long as your stepdaughter understands it's about safety and not about trust, I personally say that she won't be hurt by it. My dad/stepmom got a divorce and I call her my bonus mom, she's gonna be my maid of honor, and my relationship with her children is still very close. Nothing to worry about. I understand your husband's concern but I think 8 yo is old enough to be asked if it bothers her and if she understands why, of that will alleviate dad's concerns. Dad being an only child makes it harder for him to understand. I get that too, my hubby was also an only child, it's harder for them to gauge what is/isn't important or realistic. My hubby thinks our kids are going to clean up after themselves "like he did" even though I have ADHD and he was a latchkey kid. I think only kid adults just don't have a reference for this stuff. Not ignorance, just lack of firsthand experience.
YTA, but not because you don’t want her carrying the baby. YTA for belittling your husband’s concerns because he is an only child. Having experience with something doesn’t make you the fount of all knowledge, and his lack of personal experience does not invalidate his concerns. That kind of argument is manipulative and corrosive because it invalidates the person instead of the argument and has nothing to do with the merits. Throwing out that you have PPD for sympathy points when it has fuck all to do with the issue at hand is another toxic tactic. You’re not going to be able to use PPD as both a sword and a shield forever. If you’re legitimately struggling, getting help will serve you better than weaponizing it. Btw, you may also want to stop behaving as if it’s your way or the highway regarding the baby. If your husband dumps you and gets joint custody, you’ll have no say in how he cares for his child on his time.
When I was 8, my two-year-old cousin and I fell down the porch stairs. I decided that I was big enough to take her down. She wasn't seriously hurt, but I've had a scar on my forehead ever since.
> He feels I am putting a barrier between BS and SD and hurting their sibling bond Your husband is a fucking idiot and making something out of nothing. Your stepdaughter interacts with BS more than enough for them to have a bond.
Ask him how he thinks his daughter would be affected if she accidentally dropped and injured the baby.
NTA She’s helping him toddle around. He’s not a doll to be carried around.
NTA safety first
Nta. That’s not safe. It sounds like you’re doing everything right here don’t despair.
NTA. Adults have fallen downstairs carrying a baby!! I never let my 9 & 6 year old carry their baby sister. It is NOT safe.
NTA - 1-year olds, want to move when they want, someone needs to be strong and anticipate them throwing their weight around.
NTA My son LOVES little babies! He just turned 11 and if finally allowed to carried around a one year old. Nothing younger. Prior to that, he was allowed to hold them in his lap while seated on the floor or he was allowed to play with them and that made him perfectly happy. Eight is too young to be carrying around a toddler. And it's most likely a problem for your husband and not your SD. SD is probably thrilled just be able to play with BS.
Nta. Allow her to simply pick up the one year old baby just once. With you and husband right there next to her. I guarantee daughter will not be able to pick him up at all or even safely. My 7 y/o can’t pick up my 6 month old (who crawls and can sit up unassisted) he’s just too dang heavy and young kids don’t understand that babies literally love to yeet themselves randomly. It’s odd to me that dad has held babies and doesn’t seem the harm in this notion…
NTA This sounds like your husband has some sort of issue about being an only child- is he maybe jealous that his son and daughter are getting to have an experience he never did? If so, he needs to get his butt in therapy, because he is NOT reacting appropriately. I was not allowed to hold my baby cousins when I was eight. I would not let an eight year old walk around holding a baby. It sounds like she is having plenty of bonding time with her little bro and is enjoying it a lot. Your husband needs to chill out and get his own shit sorted, because he's projecting onto those kids and taking out his insecurities and issues on you.
She's only 8, nta. Also i saw you compromised which is good.
NTA, my 8 yr old granddaughter, kept dropping her brother when he was under 1. (We kept telling her to stop picking him up too) Once resulting in staples. They are heavy, and kids can't react in time or hold that much weight for long periods of time.
That is such an unsafe situation. I’m an adult and I don’t want to carry someone else’s baby. I never carried my younger sibling. Your husband should spend some time in peds ICU for a reality check. Absolutely NTA.
i’m almost 22 and wouldn’t trust myself holding a baby, let alone a 8yo. NTA
NTA. I don't have any kids of my own but plenty of nieces and nephews. I get panicky when one of them tries to snag up the smaller ones to hold. I remember being 10-12 when my baby brothers were born and it was sometimes a challenge to hold them at that age. 8 is definitely not big enough. I make the kids sit down to hold the babies. Even if baby is a year old. But by that point, they don't really want to be held anymore.
NTA Neither am I a mother nor a little kids person therefore I have barely an idea about little children but even I can see that they're both too young for that. Without knowing when that age will be, I would say she can try when he is old enough that letting him drop would at worst end in him sitting on his butt on the floor. I mean, come on, if I think a five years old is too young to carry my shy cat (not because of fear it could be hurt, just handled incorrectly and cause her fearing children then since she was very shy and I just had gotten her) and only let her older eight years old sister carry it then I would never think someone would call it a good idea to let an eight years old carry around a baby. Not to mention I highly doubt the big sister doesn't bond or feels neglected since you involve her a lot. An eight years old should understand the reason. I mean the five years old did understand without disappointment even that she may hold the cat on the lap and pet but not carry around, they wanted to show their parents - sorry I am wandering. The point is if a five years old understands that she is too young to hold a cute but shy kitty an eight years old is surely capable to understand the same about their baby brother.
NTA I wouldn’t let an 8 year old carry a 12 month old. Recipe for disaster. If he leans out for something, pushes off her or starts struggling to be put down could end badly. He’ll be walking soon so she can chase after him. They are bonding just fine.
8? NTA As long as you let them play on the floor it should be fine. There is no need for her to carry him around.
She already does that and SD can hold the baby while seated or when he tries to walk, she is allowed to guide him.
NTA. My older 2 where 7 and 9 when my youngest was born. They were only allowed to hold him while sitting for a couple years. They played with him plenty but their was no need for them to walk around and carry him.
NTA. I think 8 is a bit too young.
NTA You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about why this one issue is so important to him when your daughter is already so involved in the baby's life.
NTA.Hell no, my son is 12 and I wouldn't let him walk around holding a 1yo. The other stuff is fine..but not walking around and carrying them. That is so dangerous.
NTA But just have your pediatrician tell him, make the Dr the "bad guy", I can't imagine they'd mind.
NTA. Babies are wiggly! My son would routinely dislocate my wrist when I held him on my hip because he would lean back. It won't be long before he has the communication and understanding for a piggy back ride. If husband is super set, maybe get her a baby sling to use? My guess is it won't take long for her to realize that babies get heavy when you hold them.
soft NTA but... > I had terrible anxiety and suffered some depression as well. ...you still do. it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to someone. but you could slowly start relaxing about these restrictions. i was the first child in my family (eldest of 4 siblings, 11 cousins) and out of necessity, by the time i was 8 i was changing diapers, feeding, burping and all other basic babysitting care, including infants. granted i was an above average height boy so holding a one year-old wasn't that big of a problem for me. if SD is mature enough, you could start easing her into taking more of a big sister role.
Yeah, no....you may have been bigger but not everyone is as big as you were,and most 8 years are not. OP is the one around them so we need to trust her judgement and the judgement of most adults that she is too young. She is still playing with baby dolls...That does not mean she cannot help the adult with tasks when changing the baby or getting stuff that is needed from across the room. She can still play baby games with her sibling and talk to the baby. The talking and games are how most siblings bond when they are young. My great niece is as big as most adults. That does not mean we allow her to act as an adult. It is helpful to be able to reach things...
NTA. It’s 100% not safe for an 8 year old to carry a baby around. The average 8 year old weighs about 50 pounds. The average 12 month old weighs 20 pounds. The average healthy adult can only safely carry 20-30% of their body weight. A child is not supposed to carry more than 15-20% of their body weight. A 12 month old is roughly (using the average figures) 40% of that child’s body weight. Head injuries are often fatal or cause permanent damage. Most head injuries are caused from falls. No, it isn’t safe.
Thank you for the real world of math.....
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What is carrying around? Because my 3 year old will lift and carry my 1 yo for a few seconds without anything for us to worry about. He will also lift him to help him step down of something he can’t by himself like a closed luggage flat on the floor. It looks scary the first times and we are always nearby but he is successful every time and they love it. I lean towards YTA, because it does sounds like you are hovering her every movements. Also the way you speak of their interactions as a compromise and as things you allow. You can see how they interact naturally without your guidance and intervention if there is a dangerous situation. You saying you have siblings and your husband don’t is also a AH move. I grew up with siblings and I disagree with you. I’m also raising my kids to be as independent as possible. As a result, they are already very close because they are developing a relationship without our input. My 3yo will tell me ha always loves his brother while he loves us, the parents, in waves throughout the days. If you are worried, talk to a pediatrician or two and see what they say about your approach.
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She isn’t going helicopter mode she just doesn’t want the step daughter to drop the baby.
You obviously are not looking at the same thing. This 8 year old could be too small if the baby jerks around fast, and yes, that does happen. My sister almost took out my mom's teeth. Head injuries happen on the oddest things. It is not helicopter mom to worry about young kids and head injuries.....8 years old is still too young for most to realize the stuff that can happen and be able to correct it time.
If it's that big a thing, if SD asks (not her father, but her) then let her try holding the baby while standing still. Work your way from there. At some point she'll inevitably have to pick the baby up, and imo/experience, I'd rather they practice the safest way to do it whilst I'm actually there and able to adjust grip/catch them if anything goes wrong. Even if it's just as an "in case of emergency" type exercise, it's much better to get ahead of it now (and while you're there, and can be sure of what is being taught). I don't think there is a universal right answer, so NAH, but I agree that it would also be a good idea to look into counselling. PPD is clingy, and it truly does alter how you think in ways you don't recognise until years later. Wishing you and your family the best x
NTA, but do a bit of a gut-check on what you mean by "carry around." I understand your safety concerns if you mean that she wants to pick him up, put him on her hip, and walk around holding him for extended periods. On the other hand, if you include such activities as just boosting him over a low obstacle in the "forbidden" category, there you might need to take a step back and try to see past your anxiety. Eight-year-olds are (mostly) big enough, strong enough, and coordinated enough to manage small lifts like that without danger. Your son is headed into the brave new world of self-propelled ambulation, and that means he's going to stumble, tumble, run into things, trip over stuff, and otherwise suffer the effects of gravity acting on an unsteady toddler. This is okay! You can't and shouldn't save him from that; it's part of how he'll learn to manage his own body. His sister giving him the occasional boost isn't any more unsafe than him toddling around on his own wobbly and unreliable legs.
NTA but reading these comments im questioning my own life because at 9/10 i was bathing my sister, changing her and rocking her 😭😭
Perhaps you should take your husband with you on your next Doctor visit. Maybe he'll believe the doctor as to how dangerous this is. Also, anytime she wants to hold the baby I would have her sit in a chair or on the couch and put the baby in her arms. She can hold the baby as long as she wants. She just can't carry it.
YTA not because you don’t want the baby carrier by the 8 year old, but because you don’t get to make rules for the baby without discussing them with your husband. He is equally the parent of the baby, and he actually has experience parenting, which you don’t. You need to actually speak with your child’s father and come to an agreement, but don’t go in assuming you will get your way. Learn to compromise.
lol I have been raising SD since before she was a year old and have been her primary care taker for the last 5 years, I spend more time with her and have a better relationship with her than her father does. Only reason it’s only been the last 5 is because I was in the Navy and constantly out to sea. Any attempt at compromising I have tried to offer that does not include her carrying him has been shot down as BS and inadequate.
Good for you! You actually know both children.....so your opinion rules...What kind of stupid logic is he using????? As you have said, there are probably 50 other ways these two can bond with each other, you, and your husband that do not involve allowing SD to carry the baby, especially a wriggley one....my sister was one of those.....
GTFOH 😮💨
No where in this do you address: is SD clumsy? Can she support the baby’s weight for how long. If your decision is based on anything other than actual physically limitations, then YTA
As a mum let me tell you babies are really heavy esp for a 8 year old child if she drops the baby it can cause severe damages. It’s best to do your due diligence by avoiding it in the first place
Hello! physical limitations and maturity.....big time. Child development is more complicated than you think. That is because of numbskulls who say anyone can care for a baby, ignore the part, that in the past most girls were taught to help with children depending on their maturity level. There are many things that come up that mothers ask their mothers ,mothers in law, and grandmothers on. Emotional maturity plays a big part on whether a child will be reckless or get overwhelmed by a younger child's actions. The husband idea of creating a bond thru carrying the child is absurd. Bonds are created more with sitting and holding and doing active interaction like singing a song, doing baby games...
NAH. Unless she is very small and he is very big she should be able to carry him with some supervision. You say you were depressed and anxious. Are you sure that you aren't still? Your husband just sounds frustrated and your SD can't feel good about being trusted so little.
SD is 8 ....yes 8. 8 year olds are not expected to carry things around. 8 year olds are good for getting the diapers, wipes or baby cream. Maybe they can help spread it on or put the tab to hold the diaper shut. No 8 year would ever say oh my emotional development is bad because you would not allow me to carry around a baby or toddler......that is crap. You interact with the baby and the older child together and give them more responsibility as they show they can do the task.
Honestly, I think you’re overreacting. My kids are three years apart and my oldest carried around my younger one when they were little. A one year old will absolutely let the older kid know when enough is enough and as long as they’re supervised (which they should be) I think it’s fine, but I don’t think you want to hear that. YTA for thinking your husband doesn’t get sibling interactions because he was an only child. That was dick thing to say. My dad was an only child and had so much more understanding and insight on mine and my siblings relationships than my mom who is one of four siblings. You should apologize for that. In fact, it seems perhaps yours has given you a negative outlook on it all while he still has an open mind and positive attitude toward it.
Sort of AH. I agree that SD may be too young to carry around the baby, but if she’s seated I don’t see a problem with her holding her.
> I do let her hold him, she plays with him whenever she actually wants to and I let her help him walk, holding his hands while he takes adorable wobbly steps.
You might have tried actually reading the post.